The Matt Walsh Show - Deep Tweets by Matt Walsh - Season 1
Aired: 2022-11-26
Duration: 03:17


=== Kids Teasing and Apologies (03:16) ===

[00:00:00]  And now, Deep Tweets by Matt Walsh.
[00:00:09]  Earlier I tweeted that emojis are for children and women and that grown adult men shouldn't use them.
[00:00:14]  I'm trending on Twitter now because many people are rightly angry about it.
[00:00:18]  I apologize.
[00:00:20]  I should have mentioned that emojis are also for illiterates.
[00:00:23]  Forgive my oversight.
[00:00:25]  [music]
[00:00:30]  My seven-year-old pangender child Sundance just came right up to me and asked,
[00:00:35]  "Matt, what happens if there's another January 6th?"
[00:00:38]  Can our democracy survive?
[00:00:40]  I looked them right in the eyes and said, my child, it's already dead.
[00:00:45]  We just held each other and sobbed.
[00:00:47]  My pronouns are me and myself.
[00:00:55]  When you refer to me, you must say me, which means you'll be talking about yourself because I identify as you and also me.
[00:01:03]  I identify as everyone.
[00:01:05]  Your identity has been collapsed into mine.
[00:01:06]  You must respect this or else you are transphobic.
[00:01:24]  Then he promptly ran into a wall and nearly knocked himself unconscious.
[00:01:28]  Update, I'm told that his sister came up with a toilet paper solution.
[00:01:31]  Now it's all starting to make sense.
[00:01:33]  Update I dropped a very clever. You must be red in the face about this joke, but no one left
[00:01:38]  I would like to sincerely apologize for the reckless comments that got me suspended
[00:01:49]  I now realize that biology doesn't exist, science is a myth, men are women, women are men, penises are vaginas, and vaginas are penises.
[00:01:58]  It all makes sense to me now.
[00:01:59]  I regret the error.
[00:02:06]  Parenting young children is just shouting, "Where are your shoes?"
[00:02:10]  over and over again into a void until the words seem to lose all meaning.
[00:02:14]  [Music]
[00:02:20]  The government literally admitted that we're being invaded by space aliens today, and you people don't even care.
[00:02:27]  Well, they may not have admitted it exactly, but I choose to interpret the events in this way and live my truth.
[00:02:32]  Announcement I didn't do it for the accolades, but if anyone does want
[00:02:42]  to nominate me for a Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of my philanthropic endeavors, I will not
[00:02:46]  turn down the award.
[00:02:47]  Look, sometimes kids grab steak knives and stab other kids in the driveway.
[00:02:56]  We've all been there.
[00:02:57]  Just innocent kid stuff.
[00:02:59]  Can't believe the cops had to get involved at all.
[00:03:01]  Let kids be kids.
[00:03:08]  My son told me that a kid was teasing him by rhyming his name in insulting ways.
[00:03:13]  I asked him the other kid's name and gave him some ideas for rhymes he could use against him.