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July 6, 2022 - The Matt Walsh Show
12:22
Matt Walsh Reacts To Reality Show Trailers

Matt Walsh reacts to six trailers from different reality shows. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Well, to be honest with you, I didn't really know that reality shows existed still, really.
That's how plugged into the entertainment world I am.
My producers inform me that reality shows are still very much a thing, and they're all the rage, in fact, and they had the bright idea to have me watch some reality show I love you to death, but I just cannot wait any longer.
because they're the ones who suggested it, that I will hate every minute of this
because that's the only type of content they ever do suggest,
because I guess everyone enjoys watching me in pain, watching me suffer.
So I've steeled myself.
I think I'm ready, as ready as I can be.
Let's go.
I love you to death, but I just cannot wait any longer.
That is why I'm giving this ultimatum.
You're here because someone in your relationship has issued an ultimatum.
(upbeat music)
You're not sure you want to marry your current partner.
The risk is that they're going to find someone else who is.
I think it's natural to wonder what it would be like to be in a different relationship.
You'll each choose a new partner.
You'll move in together in a trial marriage.
And at the end of this experience, you guys will have to choose to marry the person you've arrived here with or to split forever.
Today we get to move in with someone completely different.
Living with a guy that's not you will be a weird change.
How do you feel about me sleeping in the bed?
Are you nervous to meet my dad?
Hopefully they don't grill me too hard.
Hi!
This is the first time I felt like, okay, this guy's okay.
From what he said about you, I was not happy about this at all.
This is our first morning back together.
We came here as a couple, but it's about figuring out what's best as individual people.
Okay.
I'm already 20 points, 20 IQ points dumber and we just started.
I'm gonna be a, I'm gonna be a sea sponge by the end of this thing.
We'll give you the new member initiation.
Welcome to my club!
Welcome to my club!
What is even the premise here?
So you've got, you've got, what's his name?
Joey Fatone hosting this and you've got couples who want to get married and so they come on a reality show And they shack up with somebody else for a while on camera to find out if they should marry the other person?
Do I have this right?
We want to get married, and to find out if we should get married, we're going to go and live with somebody else?
Well, I can answer the question for you right now.
You shouldn't get married.
Okay, spoiler.
All of you are awful.
None of you should get married.
You should all move into the wilderness by yourselves and save society from having to endure your presence.
That's what should happen here.
That's what needs to happen.
How is it that reality shows are dumber now than I remember them being?
I think I just couldn't handle living in a world where this kind of stuff exists, so I blocked it out of my mind, and I went to my safe space, my happy space.
And now I have to confront this, and it's even worse than I remember.
But let's watch the next one.
I've met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I've never seen her before.
Here you will choose someone to marry.
Hello.
Nice to hear from you.
Can't say see ya.
Without ever seeing them.
If you're ready to find the love of your life... Game time.
The pods are now open.
What kind of work do you do?
So what are some of your biggest turn offs?
So what are you looking for in a woman?
Ethnicity, race, physical appearance.
None of that matters.
I'm really starting to emotionally connect with you.
This could be a remarkable love story.
You're a beautiful person.
I don't have to see you to say that.
I'm scared of making the wrong decision.
I can't see my life without you.
Will you be my wife?
I am engaged to somebody I've never seen before.
I hope these just five be very attractive.
Can they just lock the cubes and just leave them in there?
We can watch them slowly starve to death.
That would be a reality show.
And does Joey Fatone host all these shows now?
I thought he was dead.
I don't know, they have him chained up in a basement somewhere and they bring him out like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction whenever there's a new Netflix reality show.
And I say new reality show, but really there has never been a new reality show, I think.
All these ideas are just versions of each other.
What about American Idol, but they have to write their own songs?
Love it.
Oh, what about American Idol, but they have to write their own songs?
Love it.
We're going to match a bunch of attractive people up and have them get married, even though they haven't seen each other.
I wonder what will happen.
We know what will happen.
They'll get divorced by next Thursday.
That's what's going to happen.
Second of all, the drama and suspense is taken out, right?
Because they're all relatively attractive.
I mean, that's what this is all about.
It's like, well, what does a person look like?
I mean, for a concept like this to work, you need to mix in some ugly ducklings.
They need to be in this mix here.
So you should have, like, a guy who's 600 pounds, and they wheel him out on a forklift for the big reveal.
You've already gotten married, and you're married to a 600-pound guy on a forklift.
That would be high drama.
Instead, everybody is in the 7 to 9 range, as far as physical looks go.
So the show is, what will happen when these 7s to 9s meet other 7s to 9s?
Nothing interesting.
I can already tell you that.
I'll be honest guys, this job gets really hard sometimes.
All day long I watch, debunk, and cancel stupid people.
Some days my producers make me sit behind this desk for hours on end watching purple-haired
weirdos attempt to explain their gender-neutral pronouns to me.
It's no easy task, and the only way that I've found to cope with all this torture is with
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Okay, continue.
Deep in the remote jungles of Columbia, a new species has been spotted at the watering hole.
Humans.
A rare sight in this habitat, these humans are using animal mating techniques in their search for true love.
And are forbidden to speak to one another.
Now talking sucks!
My inner animal is an otter, because they're super playful.
I'm a tiger.
I have a big appetite.
I'm trying to eat.
Ducks are kind of like majestic, but also kind of goofy.
I feel like I'm a mix between the two.
Okay, things about to get interesting.
It's getting a little spicy.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERING]
It was very weird, but very sexy and weird.
I think this is our new fetish for mating.
I guess mating rituals work because I've never been so attracted to Stefan before!
I want to be dead.
I just want to be dead now.
I'm in such deep despair in this moment.
And it's not even how stupid this show is.
That's not the problem.
It's that people, I assume, watch this, and those people are among us.
They walk among us.
They vote.
They drive.
It's possible that I've accidentally been polite to somebody who watches this show.
Well, probably not me.
I'm not polite to anybody.
But, you know, it's still, God help us.
But why should God help us?
We've forsaken Him.
So why should He help us?
Alright, go ahead.
What's up, y'all?
It's Lizzo.
I'm looking for dancers to join me on my tour.
Girls that look like me don't get representation.
Time to pull up my sleeves and find them myself.
We thick and we pretty and we know what we bout.
It's the battle of the big girls.
To be a background dancer for Lizzo would just mean everything.
It's show time.
What do we have in store?
This is the fun part.
I was always doubting myself, and I feel like that has been detrimental in how I approach dance.
You know, this is how bad it's gotten.
That's actually refreshing compared to the others.
Lizzo and a bunch of obese dancers in thongs and spandex.
That's a sight for sore eyes compared to what we saw before.
Compared to the mental sewage that came before it.
You know what I really want to see?
I want to see The contestants of that show mixed in with the contestants on the Love is Blind show?
That's the show I want to see, okay?
I want to see one of the guys in The Love is Blind, he falls in love, oh, looks don't matter, I don't care.
Because he's assuming, he knows it's a reality show, he assumes it's some dime that he's going to be matched up with.
And then one of these Lizzo background dancers comes out, 300 pounds and spandex.
That is one marriage that will stay together.
He can't, there's nothing he can do, because he has to be like body affirming, and so he's going to be stuck in this marriage forever now.
This person.
That would be fun.
Okay, go ahead.
I don't want to be doing this with anyone but you.
This is the first time in a long time that I'm open to love.
Spending time with you and getting to know you, it just feels natural.
So what are you guys expecting from this island?
Oh, I guess that means Too Hot to Handle is back.
I know that's Lana!
No kissing, no heavy petting, and no sex of any kind.
This is Lana, the ultimate cock block.
Each time the rules are broken, money will be deducted.
I kissed Izzy yesterday.
I love bad boys.
You are the bad boy.
Play the role.
Can I call my mom?
I wanna go home.
I don't say this to be cruel or mean, but watching that trailer, I have never in my life rooted for a tsunami so much.
Just a 100-foot tidal wave crashing through.
Cleansing the land.
That's my idea for a reality show.
Get all these kinds of people onto an island.
Tell them it's a reality show called, like, Boob Island or whatever.
And then set off a tidal wave.
Not to kill them.
I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
I just mean to startle them a little bit.
Maybe wash some of the herpes and genital crabs off.
And if anybody drowns in the process, that was not the intention.
For legal purposes, anyway.
I'm in a bad mood now.
I'm upset by this.
I feel drained and exhausted.
And I'm dumber.
I actually, I feel that I am dumber than I was at the start.
Maybe this last one will be, this will be a bright spot to end on, maybe.
We can hope.
The people are real.
The cases are real.
And the judgments are legally binding.
I'm fully naked under here.
I think that's the hardest part about being a judge.
It's so hot.
This is Chrissy's Court.
Okay, so first of all, nothing happens in that show at all.
Like, that's the trailer for it, and the one highlight is Chrissy Teigen saying she's naked.
That's like if I went to a restaurant and I said that the highlight of the restaurant, my restaurant experience, was that the chicken was undercooked and gave me food poisoning.
If that's the highlight, how low is the low light is the question.
This is what I want.
I want a judge show where I'm the judge, And everybody gets the death penalty for coming on the show.
The death penalty.
For everybody.
The fact that you would come to a judge show in the first place to settle your problem means you deserve the death penalty.
This has gotten really dark, hasn't it?
My mind is in a dark place now.
And you can thank my producers for that.
For all of this.
This is all their fault.
Okay, let's stop now.
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