How many teen moms, drug addicts, and criminals will Disney create with this movie?
This week we're covering the most important issue concerning conservative Americans: a child's cartoon where a teen turns into a panda and twerks at her mother Also, republicans answer a poll about fighting against a hypothetical Russian invasion in the US and cant help revealing a bit to much about themselves Support the show at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult for a bonus episode every week There are a few remaining Bart Against Bosses T-Shirts available at http://miniondeathcult.com Music: mewithoutYou - Tie Me Up! Untie Me!
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today, so stay tuned.
We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned, guys.
We'll show you exactly what it looks like when people are going to get you.
Oh, they're in Barclay, Boston.
Stay tuned.
Man, how sick would it have been if it were Elon Musk and that Tesla jumping 20, 30, 50 feet into the air in Echo Park, L.A., The coolest man in the coolest city.
In the coolest car.
He's gonna do that.
He's gonna jump and he's gonna land in the underground tunnel.
Just slide right in like butter.
We should put that idea in his head.
You should go for it, dude.
You should land in a tunnel.
Try to, like... If anyone can do it, it's you, Elon.
Yeah.
You're the fucking man.
Well, I mean, if he keeps smoking that wacky tobacco, he might do it himself without any prompting from us.
Yeah, we know the edibles are what do it, so... Yeah, the show was fun.
It was... I think it's their last tour, Me Without You.
No, I went to their last tour.
Oh, never mind.
Okay.
I took my friend because Ani was like, she was dead because we had seen Jawbreaker and Jawbox the night before.
So we were already exhausted before that show.
And so she was like, no, I don't want to go.
I was like, yeah, that's fine.
It's like halfway through the show.
My buddy had like never heard of them, but he was down to go, which I appreciate.
That rules.
That's a good one to accidentally go to.
I was like, I halfway through I leaned over and I was like, these guys are so Christian.
And he was like, really?
And I was like, yeah, man.
And it's funny because they are so Christian, like every song is about Christ, but They're good because every song is about being depressed that you're a Christian.
Yeah, they're not stoked on the fact that Christians really, if you listen to the music, they're fighting it every day.
I really appreciate that about them because that's like my experience with Christianity was just being like severely depressed in the face of an all-powerful being.
Yeah, but you believe it and you respect it, but because you respect it you also know what it wields and you just are helpless to it.
Yeah.
Yeah, that feels good.
Phenomenal band though.
I'm sad I think they are breaking up.
Their last full length actually is really good.
But at least they won't make any more children's Aesop fable albums anymore.
Yeah, there's some misses.
I will say that about Me Without You, there are some misses.
That one album with the song about the sassy crow and the crafty fox and shit, I'm not too into that album.
And you're not being, you're not stretching, that's what they say in the songs.
He played that one right after, because they were performing Brother Sister.
That's another reason I went to see him, which is a good album.
And immediately after they finished playing through the album, he came back with just an acoustic guitar.
And I was like, no!
Don't do it, no!
And it was just, yeah, a long-winded children's fable about a fox trying to steal a biscuit from a baker.
It's like, this shit sucks so bad.
And it's not even like it was the soundtrack to the Fantastic Mr. Fox.
It was bad.
It's not good at all.
Won't be ending the episode with that song.
No.
How you been doing, Tony?
Someone's got a birthday, I wonder who?
Someone's got a birthday, I wonder who?
It's my birthday, a week from tomorrow.
So you're going to hear about my birthday two more times before it actually hits.
So deal with that.
But shout out to everyone for unknowingly giving me an early birthday present and showing mad love and allowing me to fix my car in its entirety so I can have a reliable car.
We met the goal in like three days which is nuts.
So thank you so much.
You have no idea what a huge boulder off my shoulders this car working is.
So very excited about that.
Now you can get rid of your over-the-shoulder boulder holders.
Uh, oh, I got rid of that a long time ago.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, but yeah, so thank you for everyone for that.
I'm really excited.
But that's, that's what's coming up.
My birthday and I'm gonna, I'm gonna drive a car with confidence.
Cause I always, it works.
It works.
Yeah.
It's just very stressful.
It's just very stressful.
If you live in Echo Park on a very steep hill, watch out for this guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause I'm going to fix all the, all the power problems I was having.
We are going to be, yeah.
Be on the lookout for a BMW E20, whatever it's called, uh, headed your way.
I was talking to one of the guys at the coffee shop because a lot of them drive cool cars and whatever and I have an accidentally cool car I didn't mean to get this cool car and I was like yeah I'm fixing my car and they're like oh cool you're doing like a five-speed swap I'm like nope just just trying to make it just trying to make it run right just trying to make it so it works a little longer next year next year five-speed swap though Well, actually, what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to mod it so that it doesn't explode.
Yeah.
I'm trying to get a bigger steering wheel that doesn't slip out of my hands, that doesn't fly out of my hands when I'm trying to turn.
Yeah.
I'm removing the back seat so my mother-in-law can't ride with me.
Hey, so I guess it's the episode now, right?
What's up everybody?
I'm Alexander Edward.
I'm Tony Boswell.
We are Minion Death Cult.
The world is ending.
Which neighbors will you kill when that happens?
We're documenting it.
Hey everybody, thanks for tuning in.
Thanks for listening and checking out and enjoying the Patreon episode last week where we read the first half of Ladies First, a MAGA hat romance.
Thank you for the positive response to that episode.
It was a lot of fun to do and I'm very excited to be doing the second half of that in a couple days.
If you think you're waiting on Prince Needles, you have no idea what I'm feeling.
I... It's hard for me not to just cheat and read ahead.
I really want to, but I won't do it.
Because I respect the craft.
But I can't fucking wait.
I'm mad we have to do this right now instead of that.
Yeah, if you listen to the preview, you only got a taste of the insanity in that book.
What that author thinks passes for romance, what that author thinks the gender roles are, which are even possibly, impossibly deranged.
More deranged than you could possibly think.
If you haven't heard the full thing, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult, P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash MinionDeathCult.
And yeah, supporting the show there for $3 a month gets you instant access to that full episode, as well as the whole back catalog of bonus material, which is hundreds of episodes.
So, well worth the money.
Lots of good stuff.
Lots of good stuff.
Yeah, and I think I'm just going to announce it now since we had some attention on our Bart Against Bosses t-shirt on the internet there.
I've been too lazy to do it before today, but I'll do it now.
We have one or two shirts in almost every size still available, leftover from what we sold earlier, or I guess last year at this point.
So, the sizes, uh, the larger sizes will be discounted, uh, so we can get rid of those.
Um, everything else is very, very, very limited.
Uh, Patreon listeners get that discount.
Um, I'll post about this on Patreon tonight when we're finished recording, so... Hell yeah!
Those folks will have first access, uh, to the remaining bit of inventory we have for the, uh, Bart Against Bosses t-shirt.
Yeah, so I don't want any more of this sauce envy.
I don't want any more of this drip jealousy.
Alright?
Don't sleep on it this time, alright?
Don't get so mad when you see us looking so cool in our shirts.
Happens all the time.
Yeah, and those are of course at MinionDeathCult.com and yeah, support the show at Patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult to hear Ladies First, a MAGA hat romance, as well as getting a discount on whatever merch you buy.
We also have a bunch of stickers still available that are pretty cool.
So good.
Yeah.
I wanted to start this episode off Reading this post that Scott Devery shared into the Minion Death Commandos Facebook group, Scott said, finally I have a post worthy of Alex and Tony.
And Scott was not wrong.
So this is a post from Carolina Custom Rentals, a Facebook page which seems to no longer exist.
I tried looking for them earlier today and couldn't find them.
Maybe it has something to do with this post.
Interesting.
They've posted a job listing on Facebook, which is apparently a thing you can do on Facebook now.
I guess if you're like 55 years old and looking for a job, this is where you would do it, is on Facebook.
Answer phone, take messages.
Okay, that's the title of the job posting.
Alright, alright.
Okay, Carolina Custom Rentals.
Answer phone, take messages, and process invoices.
Must be beautiful, not fat, no tattoos, no body piercings, very serious about making money and your appearance.
Well, I mean, first of all, let's talk about efficiency here.
You already said must be beautiful.
You don't got to say the rest.
Yeah.
You don't got to do that.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
We know that beautiful people don't have tattoos.
That's gross.
Body piercings?
Yuck.
Yeah, beautiful like as in in God's eyes.
You know?
Yeah.
Beautiful as in will you be adorned with the shining light of the kingdom of heaven.
Beautiful as in like you make a long denim skirt look nice and don't get your hair cut very often.
Wild.
I like that it must be very serious about making money and your appearance.
Well, those are going to be your two jobs.
Your two jobs are going to be making money and taking care of your appearance.
Yeah, taking care of your... I mean, that's your money maker, some would say.
Yeah.
Well, it's like, you know, the leftist position, you know, maybe leftist is the wrong word, but like the working class position, in my mind, should be like, Well, if I'm going to a job, if I'm going to a job every day, I have to spend gas money.
I have to, you know, take time to get dressed in the morning, brush my teeth and all that shit.
I should be getting paid for that.
Those are requisites for doing my job, right?
Exactly.
But then this guy at Carolina Custom Rentals flipped it on you.
He said, no, part of your job is being beautiful.
Okay?
So you're going to have to make sure, you know, you want, you want that money.
You're going to have to stay beautiful, baby.
Cool.
So are you, are you going to go ahead and like, are you covering my blue apron subscription and my gym membership, bro?
I can't believe the first, the first thing is just mostly beautiful, not fat.
Like, didn't even say, like, athletic build.
They want to clarify.
They want to make sure that you know what they're saying.
And it sucks because I think I can take messages and answer phone calls and process invoices.
I am beautiful.
But the rest, it's all downhill from there.
We should state for the listener, because they can't see this, it's F-A-T is how he's spelling fat, unfortunately.
Not yet.
He's not saying like, oh, I can't have someone who's pretty hot and tempting around because I need to focus.
They're fatphobic pieces of shit.
That's what it is.
My stepdad, he used to own a leather shop inside of the Midnight Rodeo in San Bernardino.
Wow.
Like an apparel shop, right?
Yeah.
It was like fucking cowboy hats and boots and all of that, right?
And he said he was there and my mom was there and I think it was when they were like first dating or something.
And this is the story he tells.
I am inclined to believe it is 100% a fake story, but this is the story.
He said, yeah, we were outside and this guy came up and he looked at your mom and he said, man, your girl is fat.
And I was like, whoa, what the hell, bro?
And then he was like, no, pretty hot and temp, P-H-A-T, pretty hot.
Like, I think my stepdad saw this in a movie or something.
Actually, I have to tell you this.
That guy was my dad.
And he did do that.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
Sliding doors situation here.
Yeah.
Interesting, right?
My dad would just tell everyone, basically, if it's a white woman, he's letting them know that they're pretty fat.
Man, we could have been half brothers.
It would have been so cool.
Then, okay, so that's the entire job listing, right?
Must be very serious about making money and not being fat.
Then, Carolina Custom Rentals comments on their own post, on their own job listing.
Just for the ignorant and quick to judge, I don't know this got put on a job posting I did months ago.
My page, but there is no misunderstanding.
This is Joel Gilbert speaking.
Most of your comments are as bad as the post.
Now I'm getting hate mail as well as my family.
Here is how this is going to play out.
When I find out what happened and who is behind it, there will be a crucifixion in my parking lot.
For all other nasty comments and gesture making people, I have your names, phone numbers, addresses, wives, and children's names.
Whoa!
Whoa!
That escalated so fast!
What is happening on this page?
That's bananas!
So when he says he has your names, phone numbers, addresses, wives, and children's names, I'm assuming he means scrawled on the wall in his den.
Oh, no doubt.
Like, crudely carved into the wall.
Not like written in marker, but just like kind of with a screwdriver.
Oh, you think it's funny to post a fake job?
I'm gonna kill your children.
You think this is funny?
What's the deal here?
Is it that his partner is a tattooed, body-pierced fat person?
Is that, is this like a direct, is that why, because I understand like, just, I mean, just delete it first of all, but why are you so mad?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's the honor of your company is at stake.
That's true.
Let's try to think about the honor of his company.
Like, the thing about rental people, like people who run... Those are reoccurring customers, okay?
That's loyalty.
You can't just be... Do you know how many fat people rent stuff?
All over the country.
All over the world, even.
That can't be right.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Sounds wild, but fat people rent things everywhere.
Wow.
Sometimes more than once!
Do fat people want custom rentals?
We don't know.
Frankly, we don't want to know.
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, we're not going to customize them for you.
You're going to get just the dead stock rentals.
Carolina Custom Rentals is a thin person's company.
Yeah.
Maybe, maybe they meant no fat between the ears.
Huh?
Oh, okay.
Thought about that.
Yeah, or like no nonsense.
Cut the fat.
Cut the fat.
Efficient.
Yeah, we're lean operation here.
So yeah, thank you, Scott, for that post.
Amazing.
Wonderful post.
As we do on this show, we are going to be turning to just, you know, some of the most important topics on the right so far.
You know, what are they mad about?
What are they talking about?
What's got them amped up and politically active at the moment?
And right now, the number one topic seems to be a Pixar movie called Turning Red.
And I don't know, just judging by the poster, it seems to be a movie about a girl who wears a furry panda suit to her high school and is demanding that the faculty put a panda-sized litter box in the bathroom for her to use.
So I understand their concern on the conservative side of things.
I'll tell you I did see it and that is a subplot but it's not like the main point.
Well, it's still there.
I don't get really caught up in that.
I mean, that's how they hide it in there.
They make you think, oh, this is just a one-off joke.
It's like, no, this is public school policy nationwide.
Red pandas need bigger... Because the thing is, they already had litter boxes, but they just weren't made to accommodate a giant red panda.
And so that was kind of fucked up.
So that's, you know, yeah.
Never enough for these people.
So she's a red panda, right?
She turns into a red panda.
Okay, so there's a... Is there a joke?
So she's like in school, you know, and she's a red panda.
Is there a joke where she gets scared and it activates her fight response and she puts her hands up, like the cute little red pandas do, and then the teacher says, yes, you had a question?
And she's like, no, this is actually just my natural reaction when I get frightened or scared.
Um, not so much.
Close to that.
What happens is if she feels any strong emotions, she becomes a red panda.
Sometimes her entire body, sometimes just a little bit.
Sometimes a little tail peeks out.
Oh no.
Yeah, yeah.
So, um, yeah.
I mean, it's a cute movie.
It's fine.
Okay.
I mean, we'll see.
I mean, we'll see.
I mean, that's why we're doing the episode here is to discover the truth about this thing.
Good because I'm a big dummy and I do miss things like that because like we all know that people like Disney are real slick and they're probably brainwashed me so I'm happy I have this insight to go back into it uh and maybe I won't because maybe uh maybe I'll make the kid watch it again but with a whole new truth behind it.
What was the first Pixar movie that people started getting really mad at?
Because it seems like the reaction to this one is is way bigger than any other negative like conservative backlash.
There was Luca I think people had a backlash to because there's like implications that uh it was like I don't know finding out you're gay?
Yeah I think Luca I think Luca's gay.
But that's very recent movie that was like last last year or something.
I'm trying to think of I think it would have been anything with like, oh maybe it was, maybe it was like, it would have been something, maybe it was Moana because there was no like romantic arc there.
I remember that being a thing.
There's no romantic arc in Moana.
I think it was because of all the tattoos.
I think people were upset that it was portraying tattoos in a neutral or positive light.
Actually, very positive.
The God had interactive tattoos.
But this movie garnered an incredible response that, you know, permeated the reactionary media sphere, as well as just, you know, several thousand users on Facebook.
Skanda has shared a post that's just so wonderful from Caitlin Willing.
What if that's the name of her, like, blog or something?
That's, like, not her actual name.
It's, like, instead of God Willing, it's Caitlin Willing.
That would be cute.
So we're about to learn why they're so upset.
Oh man, I wish I would have seen this before.
I know you gotta save stuff for the show, but you gotta tell me this stuff if you see this stuff.
I'm trying to parent here, okay?
I'm really worried about this shit.
Oh, because your daughter was allowed to see the movie?
Is that what you're worried about?
Well, she already watched Luca, and that might have made her a gay now.
And then she watches Moana a few times.
What if she never gets gay married even?
She watched Moana.
They made her brown.
Yeah.
Okay.
Caitlin Willing writes, Parents, beware.
I don't usually do this, parentheses, because of the straight up ruthless and vicious hatred I've been getting below, but here we go.
So you're saying you have done it and you know that it works out this way.
So you have done this.
You do do this.
But go ahead.
What's the definition of insanity, Tony?
Oh yeah, it's doing the right thing even when it's hard.
Wow.
Preach.
Just a heads up to all the parents out there, dot dot dot, the Disney movie, quote, Turning Red is not for kids, dot dot dot, at all, parentheses.
Especially not for families trying to keep their children close to Jesus.
Yes, yes, comma, I know Disney movies don't instill Christian values and I don't look to them to do so.
But typically there are important and valuable life lessons being taught.
You will find the complete opposite in this movie.
Sad day, Disney, who she's tagged.
It had the potential to be so cute.
Parents, beware.
Just a few things that stood out.
And when she says few, she means like 25.
Okay.
The little girl talks about at age 13 you're your own person.
An adult.
You can do what you want, say what you want, etc.
Whoa.
uh that kind of happens and that kind of gets like they address that and it gets like in a way that's no no it's balanced you got you can be an individual is what they're saying yeah that happens yeah sure every 13 year old everywhere always thinks they're smarter than their parents thinks they're an adult thinks they can do whatever they want to do as long as they can get away with it but They've never had a mega corporation on their side like Disney before.
This is, in my opinion, a very clear attempt to get the legal adult age down to 13.
That makes... because then they're gonna have to be held accountable.
You know?
I think that makes sense.
Yeah, why else would they be putting this in a movie if that weren't part of the plan?
This is bullshit.
This is scary.
This is scary!
Her and her three friends talk so poorly about their parents and come up with a plan to sneak out and go to a boy band concert, which they end up doing.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
The girls sneak out to a co-ed party as well to, quote, give boys rides as a panda to raise money for the concert.
Holy shit.
You have to be such a creep to read it that way.
Like, what happened is, okay, okay, sorry, just a heads up.
Turning Red Spoilers.
I don't know if you caught on to that.
Turning Red Spoilers, okay?
Yeah, so she embraces that she can turn into a panda and to make some money she goes and like is a panda at someone's birthday party.
And she like, yeah, they like ride on her back and she's huge.
She's a giant panda.
She's huge.
Panda work is real work, Caitlyn.
Oh yeah, and like, but to make it, to make it like... Pervy is such a stretch.
You're a weirdo.
Kids are gonna be like, huh, she's, like a 13-year-old girl's gonna be like, huh, she gave a boy a ride as a panda.
That means I can fuck, right?
Yeah, that's what that means, right?
That means I can, quote, give boys mustache rides.
Yeah, I could do that, right?
Jeez.
One girl says her parents won't let her go because the band, quote, sounds like stripper music.
I don't remember that, but I mean, probably.
It probably was funny.
Also, I think what you're mad about is the mom is you, Caitlin.
The mom in this movie is you, and it shows what happens to the children of parents who are this fucking insane about what their kids can and can't do, whether or not they're allowed to even be their own person.
That's actually the message of the whole movie, is exactly that.
The mom is the bad guy who comes around and everything's cool.
It's a Disney movie.
Also, the band is a K-pop band?
A group?
Yeah.
Is what they're going for.
It's pop music.
It's the most pop music.
It's not stripper music, but maybe someone said that there at some point.
I don't remember.
Back in my day, we had real stripper music.
Like White Snake, Motley Crue.
That's really it though.
Stuff you could play a guitar to.
Yeah.
This is why they're so upset about this movie is because the parent is like the... what do you call it?
Not the enemy, but the oppositional force, the antagonist, essentially, in the movie, right?
Absolutely.
And it's just funny to see all these parents freak out and be like, my child can't watch this.
It would give them the wrong message and they would turn into a fucking drug addict or something like that, right?
You are not the parent in this movie, because from what I understand, is it a Chinese family?
It's a Chinese Canadian family?
Yeah, they're in Toronto, but they're Chinese Canadian, yeah.
And it's, you know, not to not to speak out of turn or anything, but from what I've read about the movie, it like taps into a type of more traditional Chinese parenting that is absolutely more strict and more controlling.
And every one of these like Western white parents that are screaming about this movie, like, They're just reactionary.
They're not raising their children the way a strict Chinese family would be raising their child.
This is about not wanting your kid to have to talk to your child about her period.
not wanting your kid to not wanting to have to talk to your child about her period like that's what you're mad about right and you're you're just pretending to also be the strict traditional very involved highly caring parent that this movie is like a cautionary tale against and yeah that's That's the whole story too.
She's always hiding.
She has to hide because this is not a world where people turn into pandas still.
This is not a world where that happens.
This is bizarre.
So she's always hiding and everyone thinks it's because she's having her period.
It's really funny.
And the mom is totally overbearing like hovering over her like literally spying on her all the time type thing.
Yeah so they feel super attacked by this and it's all super rude because their whole like the next the next point here it says uh the girls talk about going to the concert as girls and leaving as true women after like and they do because throughout this they're 13 they're like 12 13 year old girls and they're like Realizing, oh no, I am attracted to boys, or I am attracted to people in general, or oh no, what are these feelings?
They're like, we don't know what's going to happen, but this boy band is going to sing a song and make eye contact in a way that is going to make us women.
And it's endearing because they clearly have no idea what they mean when they're saying that.
Yeah.
Well yeah, I mean all of this so far, even through the very uncharitable filter that this Christian freak is putting on the movie, it seems very much like a movie about kids acting too big for their britches.
Yes, absolutely.
And it's like if you read, if you had any sort of good faith reading of this, you would see it's probably in line with how you feel about most 13 year olds today.
Yeah.
Like maybe you would learn something about 13 year old culture or young teen culture or something like that that might soften your perception of them.
But it doesn't seem to be like a kid power, kids like run the school type movie.
No.
Which would be funny in and of itself if you were freaking out about a movie like that, but that it's this much still a tame message, it's very funny.
Even Camp Nowhere, the message was that you need parents.
Yeah, the message was don't find a wino to sign a piece of paper so you can run a cabin for three months.
The word crap is used.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's true.
Yeah, aren't you using it right now?
Yeah.
Is that the worst thing ever?
So much emphasis is put on her friends encouraging her to be this new rebel she has become and embracing it that she no longer has to be this straight edge overachiever girl under her parents' wings.
Yeah, and there's a whole conversation about how like, hey, we like that you're like wilding out.
Also, maybe chill.
Like that's a conversation in the movie that's really important.
Like, how often has Caitlyn Willing posted or, you know, shared something that's like, don't tread on me?
Or shared like, become ungovernable.
Only on her and her loved one's birthday.
That's when she posts that one.
But yeah, but if you're a child, you're still my property.
Where's the lie?
Where's the lie?
So much rebellion encouraged.
The ritual is super freaky where she is levitated by her chest into the air while surrounded by adults chanting and spirits are called out to her.
Imagine how you would imagine a scene where that's what's happening.
You're like, you're trying to get like a spirit out of somebody and you're doing a ritual.
It looks just like that.
There's no other way to make that look like it's just calm down.
You're so lame.
Yeah, but that's like satanic.
That's true.
It's black magic.
It's also like, it's also like communist black magic, which is super scary.
It's so funny how Christians believe in magic.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, Christians believe in, like, black magic and voodoo and stuff.
Like, I had a friend growing up whose parents were extremely Christian.
His mom was, like, kind of a nutcase about it.
And we were watching some either horror movie or some TV show where it was like, there was a voodoo doll.
And she was like, if you believe in Christ, none of that stuff can harm you.
And I'm like, why would you believe in Christ if that stuff worked?
I, you know, it seems like a weird intersection to me.
The devil's sick, dude.
The devil's a wild bro.
You know?
Yeah, he just doesn't, you know, you think you're practicing like Santeria or voodoo or something, but actually you're practicing the bad kind of Christianity.
You're practicing the evil Christianity.
Satan, he doesn't discriminate.
He'll help you out.
I mean, what I'll tell you, I'll tell you this much, like, my grandma's been praying for me for a real long time.
She ain't really worked out.
Maybe she prayed for the GoFundMe.
Shout out grandma.
Have I had people who might have felt slighted by me, like, maybe curse me?
Uh yeah for sure and I felt that shit so um you know do the math on that one.
She tells her Tamagotchi it's about to meet its daddy and uncles referring to the band members being her Tamagotchi's daddy.
Insinuating that they that they impregnated her before she birthed that Tamagotchi.
What is this like How are you upset by this?
She's made, it's a joke!
It's a joke, and it's a joke like, oh, it's a mommy and daddy joke.
Like, a very childish, like, if you're a kid you don't have to understand sex to know that there's a thing called a mommy and a daddy with a family.
It's almost like one of the first things you come to understand as a sentient being.
Yeah, yeah, there are parents around, yeah.
That's so funny.
Well, what she means is that she had sex with this K-pop boy.
With all of them.
And she doesn't know which one's the uncles and which one's the daddy.
Yeah.
And then she got them to then program the Tamagotchi.
You know how those types are.
Yeah.
There is a big scene about the girl getting her period and her mom bringing pads to her school and embarrassing her.
So, again, this is like...
The scene's about how she's actually turning into a panda, not getting a period at all, and her mom did embarrass her.
Yeah, well that's the worst thing you can show in a movie, is your mom being embarrassing.
Because how dare you?
Your mom gave birth to you.
You think it wasn't embarrassing to give birth to you?
You know, do you know I shit myself?
Did you know that?
I shit myself when I gave birth, did you know that?
And you're gonna get embarrassed just because I'm bringing pads to you in the middle of class?
Wow.
I said, I said a lot of weird things under the influence of the epidural.
Yeah.
A lot of weird things.
The little girl draws.
Oh wait.
Yeah.
The little girl draws quote sexy.
Her words, not mine.
I didn't use the sexy word.
It was the girl.
Yep.
Yep.
She did.
They, I think, I think they did.
I think they said sexy.
Sexy pictures of her crush who works at the gas station.
Does he, does he like even have his shirt off?
Oh no, she draws him as a merman!
And she doesn't know what she's doing and all of a sudden she's doing it and she's like, oh no, what did I do?
And it's really funny, that's like a really endearing scene where she's so confused about feeling this way about somebody.
Because at first, she's like, he's stupid.
Why do you guys like this guy?
This guy's lame.
I'm not this guy at all.
And then all of a sudden, she's drawing him as a merman.
Oh, wow.
I don't know.
That sounds like a confused mixed-up child to me.
And I don't want my kids watching anything where a kid is confused, because that might make them confused.
I mean, right now, they know everything they need to know.
They're not confused about anything.
They're not curious at all about anything.
And I'd like to keep it that way.
And like best part like finish this because like this woman's clearly not watching the movie even though she's telling us exactly what's happening.
She's paying no attention here.
Her mom finds the drawings of her shirtless crush.
Shirtless, so nipples fully exposed.
Full male nips.
And bringing them to the store and accuses the boy of being 30 and a pedophile.
He says he's 17, and she says, well, that's what happens when you do drugs all day and don't wear sunscreen.
The mom is great.
Roasted his ass.
The mom is great, because she's super overbearing.
She rules too, but it's so funny.
Uh, this is super fu- like, this mom is you!
Like, accusing everybody of pedophilia because you can't talk to your own daughter about, like, her body.
Yeah, that's totally- or what she's feeling.
Because the mom just shames her, and like, just like, she's just shitty about it, and does embarrass the shit out of her.
Just because you feel extremely weird about sexuality doesn't mean everyone else is a pedophile.
Yeah.
Right?
That's like conservative mindset.
That must be what it means.
Why would you want to talk to kids about sex unless you were trying to do it with them?
Yeah, exactly.
And it's just like, if somebody were to talk to these sexy little kids about sex, well of course they would become attracted to these sexy kids and have sex with them.
And what if the sexy kids become attracted to you?
At the end, the girl stands up to her mom and says she likes boys, music, and gyrating.
Says she's 13, so deal with it!
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, it is one thing as a parent, I think you do have to learn is to deal with it.
Deal with certain things.
And it is very, like, made known that gyrating does mean dancing.
Like, they still don't know anything about, like, intercourse.
They have no clue what's happening there.
They're all so sweet in this.
The girl says she likes moving back and forth in a rhythmic fashion.
Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.
Last time I did that, I had to write this article because I have kids now.
Article?
Why did I say article?
Fuck off.
I mean, it's no worse than any of the articles we've read on this show.
The little girl then starts twerking at her mom and smacking her butt saying, Take this, mom!
Take this!
And I believe she's in panda form when she's doing this, which is, once again, the sexiest form there is.
Full red panda, full red panda, yeah.
They're trying to teach us that pandas are sexy, and it's like, we know this!
That's why we don't want our children to watch this movie!
Also in this moment, like spoilers again, also in this moment the mom is a giant panda who's like raging out and like destroying everything in her path because she can't control herself at all.
So the mom had the same problem that she depressed.
Yes, exactly.
And so in this moment like the mom is blackout raging, destroying a stadium.
She's that big.
And that's what the kid's doing.
That's how the kid's fighting is by shaking her butt at the mom.
And it's funny because it's like a little kid just poking their butt out.
It's so funny.
It's like the little panda.
It's nothing weird about it at all.
Why you gotta make it weird, weirdos?
This movie sounds like Shrek, dude.
Uh, I just watched Shrek recently, and I just watched this.
Wait, you just watched Shrek recently?
I watched part of Shrek recently.
Why?
Because I went over to someone's house, and they were like, oh, we got Shrek on, and I was like, cool.
That movie sucks, man.
Dude, they were like, real into it.
They were like... And they were like, man, I haven't watched in so long, it's a banger.
I was like, yeah, for sure.
Uh, okay.
They also just spent, like, $2,000 on a Thomas Kinkade, like, uh, Disney castle painting.
So, like, shout out, shout out to them.
See, well, that's, I don't know, that sounds like a well-rounded person to me because they love Disney, apparently, but they're also able to appreciate a media property that does nothing but make fun of Disney, i.e.
Shrek.
Exactly, exactly.
Sounds like a person who's really, like, I don't know.
Get, you know, secure in themselves and definitely have a fully developed personality.
They did the thing that Brian was talking about happening where someone's like, oh yeah, he has a podcast.
I was like, oh, yep.
And they're like, oh man, I bet you say the craziest stuff.
It's true.
I do.
Yeah.
Crazy stuff.
So crazy I'm not even gonna tell you what it is.
Uh, just tell him I do bong rips on the air.
I do, I do.
All the time.
That's all I do.
Yeah, and he'll think that that's the, or they'll think that that's like the coolest thing.
Yeah, I'm like, but I do the bong rips in like a homophobic tone.
And they keep trying to cancel me, but I'm like, prove that that tone's homophobic, bro.
Yeah.
Um, final quote, when the little girl decides to turn into a panda in public and her mom asks her not to, she says, my panda, my choice.
Read into that what you'd like.
What?
Yeah, read into that.
Really gotta stretch that one out.
You don't want your kids thinking my body might choice on accident.
You don't want them conflating it with that.
And definitely not their panda.
That's only something that should be used when a despicable medical healthcare worker is trying to give you a life-saving vaccine.
That's the only time you're allowed to say that.
That's true.
That's true.
Well, I'll tell you what the thing is, though.
I'll tell you what.
It's your body when you start paying your own rent.
You pay rent, that's when you can have your body.
Under my roof, my body.
Yeah, it's your body when I take off this promise ring I made you exchange with me when you were nine years old.
It's your body when we stop dancing and we will never stop dancing.
Yeah, your body, your choice.
Maybe when I put the door back on your room.
Maybe none of this is a big deal to you and your family, and that's okay.
No judgment here.
If you love the movie, I encourage you to watch it on your own, parentheses, if you have the time.
I do.
Okay, thank you.
I was gonna watch it, but I didn't have the time.
But thanks, now that you've said that, I won't watch it.
You don't feel so bad about it?
Yeah, cool.
And make your own judgment.
I was just caught very off guard while watching it and explaining all of these things to my children in the moment and why we don't agree with them.
What an insufferable experience to have as a kid.
That's so funny because like I did have this feeling because you know P's 8 you know and there were things where I was waiting to have to be like when I was waiting for her to have to be like what what's going on why does she feel this way like why is this weird isn't this just cool and you know I was like oh man okay I don't know what you know where it's gonna go and it didn't happen like Kids are not... You don't have to explain this stuff to kids.
If you're making it weird because you're over-analyzing it and explaining it that way, you don't have to do that.
You're making it an awful experience for everybody.
Yeah.
If I had known what this movie entailed, we would have just skipped it altogether and enjoyed a different, light-hearted Disney movie.
It seems this one was intended for teenagers, parenthesis, although I still don't agree with the message for teens.
But Disney did not brand this movie, quote, for teens, and my littles were so excited to watch it.
Well, like, the thing about life is, wouldn't you rather get to a point in your life and be like, hey, I know what's going on here because of this movie, than be like, oh, I remember when that happened to me.
Right?
So yeah, it's not necessarily marketed for teens.
I would argue it's a movie about teenagers in high school.
You'd have to be a pretty big dumbass to think it wasn't meant for a teenage audience.
Yeah, totally.
Totally, yeah.
It's for kids.
It's great.
Everybody, you know, so that was Caitlin willing but a lot of people were very upset about this movie including Ben Shapiro.
I mean, but when isn't my man mad?
He's a mad guy.
So mad.
I pray for him because of that.
It's so funny to see like now that I have this separate Facebook account where all I'm following are right-wing, you know, outlets like this.
It's so funny to see Ben Shapiro and Breitbart, like, constantly tweeting about Jussie Smollett, or constantly tweeting about Kanye and Pete Davidson.
Sorry, tweeting, I mean posting, like, posting articles about it.
You know, Pete Davidson and Kanye West, or, like, the swimmer, or the trans swimmer, or whatever.
And it's like, people in the comments are like, I don't want to hear about this!
Why are you keep posting about this?
I hate these people!
And it's like, has it really taken you this long to figure out That's their source of revenue is making you mad?
Yeah.
Did you never hear the term hate click in the 15 years you've been on Facebook?
Do you not understand that that's their entire model is showing you stuff you don't want to see?
No, they wouldn't do that, though.
Because we agree on other things.
So they wouldn't do that to me.
I think that I can convince them to get back on track.
I don't know, what are they saying?
Are they like pro-Kanye because he's all MRA?
No?
Is that what's happening?
Is that funny?
Yeah, because he'll like post on Instagram about his daughter being too young to wear lipstick or something like that and talk about how they're grooming his daughter and that's like, you know, that's the conservative MO right now is to talk about how everybody is grooming their children except them, of course.
I love that they love making anybody who is a front-facing camera person, that's who you look to.
Those are the real philosophers.
Speaking of grooming, Vince Shapiro posted an article about the Turning Red Pixar movie.
Now we know why Disney is so against Governor DeSantis' bill to protect children.
And the headline is, My Panda, My Choice, Mom.
Disney and Pixar's Turning Red has some parents outraged over themes.
Always an agenda.
Always a fucking agenda.
And it's funny, if you read this article, not much of it is worth reading, but they don't even have as explicit examples of a nefarious plot as Caitlin did that we just read.
Like, there's nothing in here about them saying, oh, the K-pop boys are the father of my Tamagotchi.
Yeah.
That's not in here.
There's nothing about giving boys rides and shit like that.
Yeah, it's because you've got to go to the comments for the real journalism.
Like you said, you've got to go to the post for the real journalism.
Turning Red is the newest movie from Disney slash Pixar that has some parents turning red, dot, dot, dot, with anger.
That's your play on words?
It's right there.
You gotta use it.
You know, sometimes life just gives you that.
They say the children in the movie are overtly disobedient and rude.
Plus there are sexual themes including the main character twerking as a panda in front of her mother while taunting her.
Whoa.
Wow.
Plus multiple instances of the girl rebelling against her overbearing Chinese, and overbearing is in scare quotes.
Yeah.
So like totally reasonable mother that they're trying to pretend is quote overbearing.
This movie is trying to pretend that.
I love that that's the critique of the movie.
Warning!
being disrespectful.
Even the reviewer from the Chicago Sun-Times was less than enthused.
If you're a parent watching Turning Red with kids who aren't yet at the age where they should be learning about puberty, fair warning, you're going to be answering a lot of questions after this movie, Richard Roper wrote.
I love that that's the critique of the movie.
Warning, you may have to talk to your children.
I love that all these moms have periods and they just hide it from their children.
Yeah, because it's disgusting.
They're like, don't let the kids see.
What is that, mom?
It's nothing.
It's drugs.
It's drugs.
Mom, what are you burying in the backyard every month?
How do you live your life?
What is going on here?
Uh, so that's like the level of criticism that the Daily Wire, that Ben Shapiro's Daily Wire has for the actual content of the movie, is that, oh, it portrays the mother as aggressively overbearing.
When you go to the fucking Facebook post, he's talking about Ron DeSantis' anti, quote, anti-grooming, anti-pedophile bill in Florida right now.
He's like, maybe this is why Disney hates Ron DeSantis is because they want to like fuck your children with this movie.
And then you go to the movie and it's like, oh, it's about teens sneaking out to a party.
What?
Yeah.
What?
Like.
What a bill, too.
Yeah, I mean, it's just, it's just like, once again, it's just that hate click.
Like, everybody's going to see this headline and be like, oh my god, they're like, I guess that new Pixar movie is grooming children.
Yeah, don't let them watch it.
Definitely can't let them watch it in theaters by themselves.
There were comments that were like, I'm not going to read those specific ones, but there were comments that were like, this CRT bullshit has got to stop.
It's everywhere now.
And even Daily Wire followers were like, we're still really mad, but it's a different thing to be mad at, but it's also fake.
I'm surprised they didn't take like the easy route and just make it like they're trying to turn your kids into communists by saying that Chinese pandas are cool and that being red is cool but I think it's turning into the opposite where they're gonna end up like sympathizing with the Chinese tradition and thinking that China's cool actually.
That's what they always do.
It's the same thing when like China supposedly banned teens from playing too many video games.
Right?
They love the authoritarianism as long as they get to be authoritarian.
As long as they're the ones who individually get to be authoritarian to their own families.
Exactly, yeah.
Or, you know, whoever they don't like, essentially.
I'll just read one comment.
Testing1234 says, I wonder how many teen moms, criminals, and drug addicts Disney will create with this movie.
The number one voice in a child's life that teaches them to avoid these destructive paths is the parent.
When you undermine parents, teach kids that parents are just, quote, overprotective, and should be ignored so you can, quote, honor yourself and do what you want, a lot of kids will take that to mean they should ignore the parental warnings and end up destroying their lives.
The Bible says that, quote, if anyone causes one of these little ones to stumble, it would be better for him to have a millstone tied to his neck and be thrown into the sea.
There may not be a millstone big enough for some of these Disney execs if they don't repent and change course.
I'm going to drown these motherfuckers.
The whole point of the movie is you want your kids to watch this movie so they learn like, hey, don't wow out too hard.
Balance!
But they're like, no, you can't have balance.
You gotta be, it's gotta be in line.
You can't step out at all, because if you step out at all, then that might be the last time, you know?
Like, honestly, if your kid, like, what if your kid, like, learns about their period and then just gets pregnant right away?
You know?
First time.
First period you get pregnant, what if that happens?
Once again, it's really funny to me that these parents are identifying with the overbearing Chinese mother, and at the same time worrying that a single Pixar movie could make their child a drug addict.
Yeah.
Like, if you're doing the job that that sort of parent is, you're not worried about that.
You've got more of a handle on things.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
I mean, even this kid, the kid in the movie, like, isn't supposed to even know about the boy band.
She listens to it secretly.
Right.
You know?
Yeah, so like, what do you think is happening here?
Those parents who really are about it are not worried about this movie at all.
No, not at all, because their kids are still probably on the fucking honor roll.
Their kids are still probably in advanced courses and still going to get into a very good college.
This next story here is something that...
We've been wanting to talk about it for a while, and we needed the appropriate amount of time to dedicate to it.
This is really just one of the most Minion Death Cult stories we've covered ever, I think.
This is a Fox News post.
Called "Making a Run for It" Poll If America were invaded, would Republicans or Democrats fight or flee?
Wow.
And then it shows the infographic is like...
So good.
It looks like two people doing a fist bump, but it's like an angry fist bump because one of the...
They're playing bloody knuckles.
One of the fists is, uh, it's got the democratic donkey on it.
And the other fist has the, uh, the Republican elephant.
That's how we should do.
That's how we should do elections for now on is just do debates are just bloody knuckles.
Uh, yeah.
And the way, the way you do voter fraud is by putting a quarter between.
Okay the way that this is worded makes it seem like you click on this to vote uh-huh uh-huh and I that's like what I thought when I first saw this before the story kind of went viral because it was a it was a a poll conducted by I don't remember it wasn't Rasmussen it wasn't like an overly
Right-wing poll that I can remember But I thought it was a poll where you went to vote who you thought would stand and fight versus who you thought would flee and it would just be like overwhelmingly Democrats would be the ones fleeing because it would be Fox News viewers voting on this But no, it's just reporting on the poll itself and Yeah, okay, I'll read just the premise for the poll.
More Republicans than Democrats would stay and fight, got this little pop-up, if what happened in Ukraine occurred in the U.S.
Uh-huh.
So, a neighboring superpower invading the U.S.
So imagine you're in that movie where Russia invades America.
Imagine you're in Red Dawn, and would you do it?
Would you do the Red Dawn?
Or would you not do the Red Dawn?
That's how they ask the question.
I mean, I think that I would do the Red Dawn.
I might do the Red Dawn.
I think that everybody that I like and respect would do the Red Dawn, and everybody I think are lower than dogs would run.
Well, I mean, I have a pretty sick bicycle collection that I think would work really well in a Red Dawn situation, so... Wasn't it North Korea who invaded in Red Dawn?
I think so, yeah.
Yeah.
In which case, I would not do the Red Dawn.
I would join them immediately.
Yeah, immediately.
I would get the haircut right then and there.
Uh, the responses though, the responses are what we're after here.
Because yeah, I think it was like slightly under half of Democrats said they would stay and fight.
Uh, and you know, like 68% of Republicans said they would stay and fight.
And it's like, well, I mean, I guess, yeah, if you have like a home and property and a stable life, that might be worth fighting for.
It might be worth, you know, keeping the territory that you've already conquered through the, you know, the miraculous nature of your circumstances at birth, right?
Now, if you're, I don't know, living in an apartment building with a thousand other people paying, you know, an exorbitant amount of money just to survive or whatever, Why are you going to defend that apartment building sovereignty?
Well, I'll tell you this much.
When that happens what I won't be doing is paying rent anymore.
So that's all I can say.
Anything else I can't really speak on because I think at that point I might own this property I'm on.
I think if that happens I might in fact then own this property.
That's all well and good, but you've actually already prepaid for six months rent, as was the condition of you moving in.
Dammit, that is so fucking true.
So maybe, yeah, maybe you might as well stay there, since you've already paid for it.
Um, yeah, I don't know.
It's just, it's, it's almost like people with actual skin in the game, uh, like this place more.
You know what I mean?
Or not actual skin in the game, but something to lose rather.
Everybody has fucking skin in this game.
But with like, if you have something to lose, then yeah, of course you're going to talk big and, uh, be proud of where you're from and have some sort of like loyalty to it or have some sort of just practical reason for standing your ground or whatever.
Uh, But it's not really that much of a surprise that this poll would break down in that way.
There are a lot of young people who are Democrats.
There are a lot of people who aren't traditionally fighters who are Democrats.
People who weren't allowed to be fighters for a long time.
But the responses are what we're here for.
Top fan of Fox News, James Huffman, replied, as when Rome fell, the Democrats would keep paying them off until they were broke.
Then they would form a, quote, coalition government with the enemy and would try to put the Republicans, Christians, Jews and Joe Manchin type Democrats into camps.
The rest of us would deal with the Quislings and the Invaders alike.
Who do they think are Democrats?
Who do they think a Democrat is?
Do they think that there's no Jewish Democrats?
Is that what they think?
Yeah, they do think that for some reason.
That's really weird.
That's real interesting.
Because isn't everything the Democrats' fault?
And isn't everything also code words for Jewish people's fault?
Yeah well it's um you know there's uh the left is known for being like critical of Israel right oh yeah and so that means you're not Jewish enough never mind that like the American Jewish population is I think mostly critical of Israel.
Yeah.
Not really into what they're doing over there, right?
Yeah.
But those, the thing is though, Tony, those are fake Jews.
They're not.
That whole thing, that whole like living by the rules and like eating kosher and even like growing your hair in a particular fashion.
Or having Jewish blood.
All that, none of it's real.
It's all a facade.
I know, I know!
Yeah.
They probably stole that blood from real Jews.
You know how those fake Jews are.
Those crafty, scheming fake Jews.
I've seen the blood banks.
I've seen it.
Well, my friend told me they saw it.
You can go get the blood and you can do it in payment installments.
They do loans and everything.
It's cool.
I love this comment.
The rest of us would deal with the Quislings and the Invaders.
I had to look up what Quisling was.
It sounded familiar, but I didn't know the definition.
It's capitalized!
It's capitalized.
It means, like, collaborator.
It means, like, collaborator with the enemy.
Right?
So, they're talking about Democrat.
The rest of us would just kill the Democrats.
Wow.
Don't worry about it.
We got them.
Not only are we gonna kill all the Russians, we're also gonna kill over half the population of the country.
Wow.
What do you see?
It's, I mean, people, you know, Rahm Emanuel said it best.
You know, we're just listening to the Democrats and we say crisis means is just another word for opportunity.
Big facts.
Big facts.
And, you know, if you're in case you're I'm looking at James Huffman and I think that James Huffman is going to probably have have it in them to like, yeah, to kill a lot of quizlings.
I also love, oh, just like when Rome fell, the Democrats would keep paying them off until they were broke.
then they would form a coalition government with the enemy, Wow, can you imagine?
Imagine if a right-wing government, uh, I don't know, Let's just say defeated a horrible party of people, a horrible nation, and then collaborated with them somehow.
Brought them all over here.
Yeah.
Installed them in seats in government.
Yeah, who would do that?
And research.
Oh, man.
They were probably leftists who did that.
Well, yeah, most definitely.
Also, I don't know if you... The Roman Democrats, notorious.
Those are the ones doing the gay stuff on the pots.
Those are all Democrats.
That's how we know they were Democrats.
Oh, yeah.
Don't get me started on Disney's Hercules.
Oh, goodness no.
So there were also Democrat responses to this, like Democrats trying to own Republicans, even though they obviously were the cowards in this poll.
They were trying to own the Republicans with a couple clever barbs like Steve's here who says, we were invaded.
What do you think happened on January 6th?
Oh, oh.
Steve, and I was there.
I would have gone to war with you.
Yeah.
No, he was like, uh, I put on a fake police outfit that I got from a Halloween store and I beat the shit out of some protesters.
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Yeah, because I stood my ground.
Yeah, other people were like, oh, you mean old Donnie Bonespurs Trump?
You think he would stand and fight?
And it's like, no, that's not the point.
Nobody thinks the politicians would stand and fight.
No, no way.
Nobody thinks Trump would like pick up an AR-15.
They're saying that they would pick up an AR-15 and stand in front of Trump so he didn't have to.
Exactly.
That's what these people are.
You're not owning them by pointing that out.
They're like, no, he wouldn't have to.
That's because I'm here.
I am here to protect and serve, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, my life for you, my king, is what they would say.
Mandy Collins answered, Easy question!
Democrats will run like the cowards that they are!
They provoke slash instigate people, parenthesis, just like another group of people that we all know!
And then they run!
Dot dot dot dot dot dot.
Run!
What?
Cowards!
So disgusting!
The Republicans are extremely strong and will fight to their death!
Parentheses.
Patriots!
Courageous to the end!
No, this is a joke.
This is a joke one.
It's not.
It's not.
She commented in multiple places and was like responding to other people and she was just screaming at them.
What's funny is that you feel this way about Republicans.
At this point you should be critical of Republicans.
Yeah.
Republicans are strong!
My side is good!
Patriots courageous to the end!
Also, hey, who is the other group of people that we all know?
What is that group of people?
I don't know, do I?
Am I, am I, like what am I? - I think maybe black people. - I think it's black people.
I'm like pretty sure that's what, you know. - Like I'm not trying to give her a charitable interpretation or anything.
I just don't really know who she means.
Hey, we run!
We be running!
Run, run, run, run, run!
We're very fast.
Like, is that what you're saying?
Democrats are just like black people.
Yeah.
Don't say that.
Don't you say that, Mandy.
Like, that must be who she's talking about.
It's so funny.
Or, if it's not black people, it's for sure Jews.
So, it's one of the two.
She's saying provoke and instigate and then run.
So, she's talking, I think, about black people when she means provoke people by, like, being out in daylight.
And by people, she means cops.
And then running once they've provoked the cop by being outside in daylight.
And then everybody gets mad when they get shot.
Well, the thing is, I've never seen the videos.
I know they're doing wet willies.
I know the black people are doing wet willies to the cops.
I heard about a wedgie.
I'm not touching yous.
They're doing the wet willies.
They're doing the shoelaces tied under the table while they're eating lunch.
Just ripping the back of their necks.
That was the worst game.
What was that game even?
I don't remember the rules.
I just remember people would just smack the back of your neck and you'd smack the back of people's necks.
Ripping necks.
It was bad.
I never heard of that one.
They're doing that to cops.
Oh, you're talking about the knockout game.
Yeah, I didn't hang out with those kind of people.
Do a knockout?
No, I would never do it to cops.
Just old ladies.
Yeah, so that was how Mandy Collins felt about the hypothetical but very realistic scenario of Republicans, or sorry, Russians invading the U.S.
I mean, hey, what's the difference now, right?
Yeah, tell me about it.
Ed Stevens in the Fox News comment section says, the real interesting question is what percent of Republicans would seize the opportunity to fight Democrats?
And we know the answer, but go ahead.
And then Five replies, roughly 100%.
Goddamn right.
And then Shitbird75 says, yes, I agree.
What a great opportunity that would be.
And Mitchell says, yup.
Yup.
What?
Imagine being like under attack and just like being, you know, we don't really need them, right?
We don't need like... Being under attack and being like, you know what?
I think I'm going to open up another front real quick.
Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and, I mean, two birds, one stone, right?
I think that they need to watch Turning Red and realize what happens when you get too big for your britches.
I love this song.
We don't even have to make this joke.
No.
Like, this reads like, yeah, I don't know, a left-wing message board would be saying, the real interesting question is what percentage of Republicans would seize the opportunity to kill Democrats?
But they're saying it about themselves.
Yeah, all of us.
They're gonna do the Blue Lives Matter flag joke that we do and it's gonna be a pride flag and it's gonna be like, this flag means Russians, means Russian KGB.
Russian officers are using this flag to disguise themselves.
You see someone with green hair.
Yeah.
You're an infiltrator.
No, I mean, it's exactly like what... Spray them with water.
It probably will wash out.
The green hair will probably wash right out.
They might be a secret Aryan.
And then you might want to love them forever.
Yeah, you might want to actually form a lasting commitment.
You might want to fall in love.
No, they're just going to do the thing that is happening in Ukraine.
Yeah.
Which is everybody pointing to a guy they don't like and saying, oh, there's an infiltrator.
Let's get them.
That's it, let's get them.
Another easy way to point out infiltrators like they're doing in Ukraine, black people.
It's just a pretty easy way to find that they might be easy to identify.
And you're like wondering if you're seeing those videos of like these paramilitary groups rounding up people in Ukraine and fucking
Saran wrapping them to a pole pulling down their pants and like in like freezing weather and fucking flogging their their asses and you see like other people around joining in because they were just told oh this was like an infiltrator or this was somebody who absconded from the military or this this deserter you know or this was uh this is somebody who was uh stealing rations or something like that and you're fucking the person next he's like that's all i needed to hear and That's it.
Cool.
Get my steel-toed boots on.
You're wondering because you get absolved from God right away too.
God's cool with war.
If you're wondering how that could happen, I mean, it's like those videos also circulate on right-wing media, in like right-wing spaces, and they're like, hell yeah, get the, you know, and like the caption is like, this is what happens to Antifa if you fuck with the real bad guys.
They're like, I love seeing this.
I love seeing a person whose identity I'll never know be stomped on by three other people whose identities I'll never know because there's a little caption that says Antifa.
Yeah.
Also, yeah, you don't speak the language at all.
The optics are just really easy.
Also, I like the sharp angles and the insignia that these guys are wearing on their badges.
It looks pretty cool.
It looks like my heritage.
Yeah, it looks like something I identify with.
An American correspondent wrote, A little over a year ago, I had a long discussion with a former colleague with extensive military experience.
We were bemoaning the state of so many of the youth in our nation today and contemplated what would happen if ever we were to experience a second Pearl Harbor event.
Again, just like that death drive, just like longing for that chaotic, cathartic release of violence to give your life meaning.
While I understand that many of today's youth have been brought up correctly, perhaps the larger segment who were not would not want to leave their screens and join in the fight for our nation.
They would be looking for safe rooms and a puppy as they stood dancing from leg to leg outside a restroom not knowing which bathroom to use.
And yet, the ComDems, the Communist Dems, who created this group, would not be here to see it as they would be long gone by the time the real fight started upon our shores.
Oh man, so like, first of all, gotta start kind of back here.
First of all, I think that you don't, I don't think we call anything that happens now a Second Pearl Harbor.
I think the Second Pearl Harbor happened on 9-11.
And everybody like, responded in the most psycho way possible.
You got your wish.
Like, don't worry, everybody was raised right, by which you mean like, we went murdered and a million people over there.
Yeah, two decades of war.
No big deal.
Also, you don't have to be confused about which bathroom you use if you're just allowed to use any bathroom.
It's so funny.
That's the meme of, oh, you think your side wants to start a civil war?
You can't even start a lawnmower.
Yep.
Yeah.
You think you can handle politics or be in charge?
You don't even know which bathroom to use.
That's the Sam Elliott meme.
Yeah, it's like, that's your fault.
I don't know which bathroom to use because of you.
I just want to use the bathroom.
I don't know which one's going to get me arrested.
Exactly.
But that's like, yeah, that's that's you being confused about me.
I'm not confused.
It's you are the one who is confused, right?
But he took that to me.
There's he literally thinks there's like somebody who's so confused about their gender.
They don't know which bathroom to use and are going to piss their pants dancing in front of the bathroom because there's because the Democrats Confused them so.
Yeah, confused them so hard.
Oh my god.
And I love that it's like, oh I had a long, I had a discussion, a little thought experiment with a colleague with extensive military background and we laughed about how kids, they can't write cursive anymore and also they love puppy dogs and they love, it's like, Are you sure you weren't, like, in a chat room?
Yeah, you totally weren't.
Are you sure you weren't just reading the above comments?
When you say colleague, do you mean, like, your, I don't know, neighbor who is also 65 years old?
Yeah, no, no, they don't mean neighbor, they just mean other people in the group, in the comments.
Also, you don't want to think about modern war, apparently, because Americans do a whole lot of killing from behind screens.
Yeah, in very safe rooms.
In safe rooms, yeah, behind screens.
And don't worry, the army, military, they do great recruiting, you know?
The best gamers are in the military.
We couldn't use code words anymore because the frickin Millennials, they don't know how to use a pencil and paper now.
The pencil broke and they're like, oh I need a new one!
You know, the pencil tip, the tip broke.
I need a new one!
Throw this one away!
Yeah, and you have to use like that type of tip to write the note in lemon juice on the paper for the secret invisible ink.
Oh, I told them about this brilliant invention called a pencil sharpener and I blew their minds.
They said, wow, this old guy, he may, he may not look like much, but he's got a wealth spring of knowledge that I will draw from this day forward.
I can't just throw, I got, I can't just throw, I have to throw this thing out, right?
I just, they're just chewing on their pencils to get them to get the lead out.
Last one I wanted to say.
I wanted to visit this guy.
Parker 1159 says, I wouldn't flee, but if I have to fight for my country, I would have to take out Biden, Harris, and Pelosi first.
I would not fight for them or have them in control of a war.
So you would just Wait, I don't actually really know how war works in that way, right?
Like, wouldn't you just... Aren't you just making it so that we lose right away?
Or are you going to become the new president after that?
Are you taking the reins?
This is like possibly the most deranged comment we've ever had.
Oh, well if we were invaded, of course the first thing I would do would be kill my own president.
Yeah, that makes total sense.
So I could fight a better war.
I don't think you even have to like, I don't think that you even have to kill him in this sense, right?
Can't you just like...
Kick the door down and not kill him and say that you're taking over?
But no, they're like, that's no, no time for that.
Hey, I have a theory.
Uh, if there were a Russian invasion of your neighborhood, it wouldn't fucking matter what Biden's did or did not do or told you to do or told you not to do.
I don't think you would be taking orders from Biden at that point, sir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Parker's, Parker's also getting an email right now.
That's like, Hey, just so you know, we're, we are doing it.
We're gonna do it.
So if you're really about it, like...
Bang my line!
We got some supplies for you.
We can do some cool stuff.
So, this guy's like a Snake Plissken type, but instead of... Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to kill the President of the United States so that we can save the country.
Like, instead of saving the President, finding him and bringing him out of a hostile territory, you have to actually go kill the President.
Yeah, you have to ninja do it.
Our President is not that competent, so he needs to be murdered.
Like, who thinks that Biden is the one who would be deciding anything during war?
Like, do you think Biden... The amount that Biden, or really any president, has to control warfare at this point, they say something like, ah, don't make it too messy.
That's like the level of commands they issue.
See, I'm gonna go ahead and say you're doing kind of like a bad faith interpretation here because the Biden thing is obviously a personal thing because he's going after the real people.
He says Pelosi right there.
Harris and Pelosi are obviously the ones calling the shots.
Yeah.
So he says it right there.
You gotta take out Harris and Pelosi and Biden because they're gonna really fuck up this war effort.
Yeah, oh man.
I'd love to fight this war but I just can't do it in good conscience knowing there's a What is she?
She's a state representative?
Yeah.
There's a state representative in California I really don't like.
State representative and Antichrist.
Don't forget about the Antichrist.
There's this Congresswoman who really annoys me.
And I wouldn't feel right about defending my family if she were still alive.
Imagine Biden talking about war strategy.
Maybe we should just get him.
Have you tried to rope-a-dope him?
Have you tried to rope-a-dope him?
See, that guy, you gotta get him on the Heinz.
Gotta get him on the Heinz and rope-a-dope him.
There was this big black guy back when I was growing up.
Nobody thought you could beat him, you know, but I came along one day, and that, well, we all know what happened.
Yep, yep.
And I mean, you know, all's fair in love and war, and we're in wartime, so go ahead and poke him in the eyes.
Go ahead and poke him in the eyes.
Right in the eye sockets.
Yeah.
Kick some dust up in their face.
Don't be afraid to fight dirty.
Yeah.
I don't even know what voice I'm doing.
Act like you're out of your mind.
Act like you're just crazy.
But don't use a gun.
Real men, they don't use a gun.
You pick up a brick and you throw a brick in their face.
And just be yelling all the time.
Just yelling all the time.
Just all the time.
Never stop yelling.
It's the only way to win.
Dude, I love that lesson from Friday.
Yeah.
When Craig's dad is like, you gotta be a man.
Don't use a gun.
Use your hands.
He's like, alright.
So he throws a brick at his face.
That's supposed to be more honorable than a gun?
Yeah, because a brick will just cause potential permanent brain damage.
But it's still not like a fist fight.
A bullet could do exactly the same thing.
Uh, yeah.
We should definitely debo these motherfuckers if they come by.
Yeah.
I mean, honestly, we're a little biased as, like, large people.
You know?
So, we're a little sympathetic debo.
Right.
I mean, parents do not let your children watch Friday.
It's gonna teach them that it's okay to throw a brick in a large man's face just because he's big and cool.
It's going to teach you it's okay to smoke weed when you're unemployed.
This movie is going to teach you that Chris Tucker is not annoying.
No, he's great in that movie.
He's extremely annoying in that movie though.
Okay, that's the episode.
Thanks everybody for listening.
I think we got this poll very enlightening.
Very enlightening, yeah.
The poll, actually, less enlightening than the responses to the poll.
That's where you gotta go for the real information.
Maybe we'll just have a poll of our own.
Maybe we'll just go ahead and have a poll of our own.
Get down to the real truth.
We'll see how that goes.
Yeah.
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I think.
I mean, I don't know yet.
We don't know yet.
Yeah.
But find out now.
Get on it now so you're not behind for number two when number two comes out this week.
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And yeah, part two of Ladies First, A MAGA Hat Romance, coming out this Wednesday night.
I was lookin' at the leaves, climbing to the tops of the trees, but you were nowhere to be found.
Just beneath all the green, you were buried like a little seed, a man who was buried in the Among the roots and underground, I was licking at the leaves.
But I wasn't short of fleas, and you, you were like some sickness.
And I caught my sweetheart, moved away, swept off like garbage in the alleyway.
