Support the show for $3.11/month and get a bonus episode every week at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult This week starts with a montage of dudes rocking, giving way to an all-out assault on Thanksgiving.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| Happy Thanksgiving! | |
| Ha! | |
| Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot. | |
| You must cancel the normal Thanksgiving plans. | |
| Particularly if they include guests that do not live in your immediate household. | |
| Isn't guests that do not live in your immediate household the whole idea of Thanksgiving? | |
| Over the river and through the wood to Grandfather's house we go? | |
| Because that's the best way to avoid the state police checkpoint on Highway 37. | |
| Incredible. | |
| Couple things. | |
| I don't think that's a Thanksgiving reference. | |
| Also, I don't want to hear some fucking bloke talking about my Thanksgiving. | |
| Alright? | |
| We got Thanksgiving so we don't have to hear that fucking voice again. | |
| Thanksgiving is so we don't have to hear that accent anymore. | |
| Right, Thanksgiving, that was the day we declared independence from Britain, right? | |
| That was that day, yeah. | |
| If I'm remembering my history correctly. | |
| That was the day we told... Christopher Columbus, the day he signed the Declaration of Independence. | |
| Um, I- I fuckin' love this. | |
| Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? | |
| Over the river and through the woods, to Grandfather's house? | |
| We go- like, not only is it a fuckin' Christmas song, he also got the gender of the grandparent wrong! | |
| This is, once again, the patriarchy. | |
| Just, like, making its own rules. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | |
| I mean, no one ever goes like, if your grandparents are still together or both live living together, it's always a grandma's house. | |
| In America, at least, where I live, where I'm free. | |
| He says, over the river and through the woods. | |
| Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? | |
| Because that's the best way to avoid the state police that are on Highway 73. | |
| Imagine, in the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown. | |
| Oh but wait, a parson isn't allowed in the public square during lockdown. | |
| Religion has to be kept behind shuttered doors. | |
| We cannot pretend to have a religious leader in our town. | |
| I also just love that idea that at no point did anyone say anything about a state checkpoint anywhere. | |
| And imagine even if there was, like, a checkpoint. | |
| There would be a checkpoint, and every single officer would be like, cool, you're gonna go visit two people, right? | |
| And you're not gonna go visit anybody right now, right? | |
| You're gonna go follow the guidelines right now? | |
| Cool, see you later. | |
| Yeah, it would be a state checkpoint, and the only people getting arrested would be undocumented immigrants. | |
| Yep, yep, exactly. | |
| And the occasional asshole who, like, refuses to go along with the rue. | |
| And it's just like, no, I'm gonna see my whole family. | |
| This is a 25-person gathering. | |
| Come on, man, just go with it. | |
| I don't know what the fuck this dude's name is, but he fucking rocks. | |
| Let's keep listening to him. | |
| As is traditional, President Trump has pardoned a turkey at the White House. | |
| Any chance of the governors of Maine or Michigan or New Jersey pardoning their recalcitrant hairdressers or gym owners or restaurateurs? | |
| Not a chance. | |
| Those guys have to be stuffed and carved up as an example to any others among our rulers subjects minded to get a little restless. | |
| So what's funny about that part is like, if you don't go into anything besides what he just said, I totally agree. | |
| Like, they did leave the hairdressers. | |
| They left the hairdressers and everyone out to dry. | |
| They left all those people out to dry. | |
| But they think it's because they can't get more customers. | |
| Not because they're not being subsidized and aided to curve this pandemic. | |
| It's because they're absolutely right. | |
| Like this is the government's fault. | |
| I might have to disagree with you, Tony. | |
| I think we should carve up every small business owner in those states. | |
| Well, we should stuff them first, like he said. | |
| True. | |
| Yep. | |
| Stuff them and then carve them up and eat them. | |
| Well, if you don't stuff them, they'll be too dry, which has been a common theme of this episode and I like that. | |
| Except for that one story about the meth. | |
| Yes, Trump has pardoned the turkey and spared him from his fate. | |
| But will we do the same for your local baker? | |
| Your local candlestick maker? | |
| No, they will be stabbed repeatedly in the belly and then stuffed with garlic and roasted over an open flame at 420 degrees. | |
| And provided as material to the local shoemaker. | |
| I think there's maybe... Again, why are we okay with this dude with this accent talking about... He doesn't know shit about our traditions. | |
| I kind of like him. | |
| He's never even seen a turkey. | |
| I kind of want to start watching Tucker whenever he's got the night off. | |
| Yeah, I like that. | |
| I like this guy a lot. | |
| Just like not knowing what Thanksgiving is. | |
| Is that part of the app? | |
| Just like not knowing what Thanksgiving is. | |
| Like, I love this shit. | |
| He's like, we wish you- So good. | |
| Isn't this what- So fucking good. | |
| How are you supposed to have a Thanksgiving without singing a classic Thanksgiving song? | |
| We wish you a Merry Christmas! | |
| How are we supposed to do a round? | |
| How are we supposed to do a round of this without- Now bring us some figgy pudding! | |
| Isn't the figgy pudding what Thanksgiving is all about? | |
| And he's just like looking at the people off. | |
| Like, he's looking at the crew, like, right? | |
| Like, he's asking a genuine question, like, I have no idea! | |
| What is Thanksgiving? | |
| I really don't know what's going on! | |
| I like him. | |
| Wait, at what point, at what point do we bring out the butterbeer? | |
| When is the butterbeer coming to play? | |
| Thanksgiving, that's like Boxing Day, right? |