Minion Death Cult - I will not forsake my family or my God and I will give thanks (clip)
Aired: 2020-11-26
Duration: 06:23


=== Cancel Thanksgiving Plans (04:25) ===

[00:00:00]  Happy Thanksgiving!
[00:00:01]  Ha!
[00:00:02]  Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.
[00:00:05]  You must cancel the normal Thanksgiving plans.
[00:00:11]  Particularly if they include guests that do not live in your immediate household.
[00:00:17]  Isn't guests that do not live in your immediate household the whole idea of Thanksgiving?
[00:00:22]  Over the river and through the wood to Grandfather's house we go?
[00:00:26]  Because that's the best way to avoid the state police checkpoint on Highway 37.
[00:00:35]  Incredible.
[00:00:36]  Couple things.
[00:00:38]  I don't think that's a Thanksgiving reference.
[00:00:40]  Also, I don't want to hear some fucking bloke talking about my Thanksgiving.
[00:00:46]  Alright?
[00:00:48]  We got Thanksgiving so we don't have to hear that fucking voice again.
[00:00:53]  Thanksgiving is so we don't have to hear that accent anymore.
[00:00:57]  Right, Thanksgiving, that was the day we declared independence from Britain, right?
[00:01:02]  That was that day, yeah.
[00:01:02]  If I'm remembering my history correctly.
[00:01:04]  That was the day we told... Christopher Columbus, the day he signed the Declaration of Independence.
[00:01:12]  Um, I- I fuckin' love this.
[00:01:15]  Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?
[00:01:17]  Over the river and through the woods, to Grandfather's house?
[00:01:21]  We go- like, not only is it a fuckin' Christmas song, he also got the gender of the grandparent wrong!
[00:01:28]  This is, once again, the patriarchy.
[00:01:31]  Just, like, making its own rules.
[00:01:35]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:01:36]  I mean, no one ever goes like, if your grandparents are still together or both live living together, it's always a grandma's house.
[00:01:47]  In America, at least, where I live, where I'm free.
[00:01:51]  He says, over the river and through the woods.
[00:01:54]  Isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?
[00:01:57]  Because that's the best way to avoid the state police that are on Highway 73.
[00:02:04]  Imagine, in the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown.
[00:02:12]  Oh but wait, a parson isn't allowed in the public square during lockdown.
[00:02:17]  Religion has to be kept behind shuttered doors.
[00:02:20]  We cannot pretend to have a religious leader in our town.
[00:02:26]  I also just love that idea that at no point did anyone say anything about a state checkpoint anywhere.
[00:02:31]  And imagine even if there was, like, a checkpoint.
[00:02:35]  There would be a checkpoint, and every single officer would be like, cool, you're gonna go visit two people, right?
[00:02:41]  And you're not gonna go visit anybody right now, right?
[00:02:44]  You're gonna go follow the guidelines right now?
[00:02:47]  Cool, see you later.
[00:02:48]  Yeah, it would be a state checkpoint, and the only people getting arrested would be undocumented immigrants.
[00:02:54]  Yep, yep, exactly.
[00:02:56]  And the occasional asshole who, like, refuses to go along with the rue.
[00:03:00]  And it's just like, no, I'm gonna see my whole family.
[00:03:04]  This is a 25-person gathering.
[00:03:06]  Come on, man, just go with it.
[00:03:10]  I don't know what the fuck this dude's name is, but he fucking rocks.
[00:03:14]  Let's keep listening to him.
[00:03:16]  As is traditional, President Trump has pardoned a turkey at the White House.
[00:03:21]  Any chance of the governors of Maine or Michigan or New Jersey pardoning their recalcitrant hairdressers or gym owners or restaurateurs?
[00:03:30]  Not a chance.
[00:03:31]  Those guys have to be stuffed and carved up as an example to any others among our rulers subjects minded to get a little restless.
[00:03:43]  So what's funny about that part is like, if you don't go into anything besides what he just said, I totally agree.
[00:03:53]  Like, they did leave the hairdressers.
[00:03:56]  They left the hairdressers and everyone out to dry.
[00:03:58]  They left all those people out to dry.
[00:04:00]  But they think it's because they can't get more customers.
[00:04:03]  Not because they're not being subsidized and aided to curve this pandemic.
[00:04:08]  It's because they're absolutely right.
[00:04:10]  Like this is the government's fault.

=== So Fucking Good (02:12) ===

[00:04:12]  I might have to disagree with you, Tony.
[00:04:14]  I think we should carve up every small business owner in those states.
[00:04:19]  Well, we should stuff them first, like he said.
[00:04:22]  True.
[00:04:22]  Yep.
[00:04:23]  Stuff them and then carve them up and eat them.
[00:04:27]  Well, if you don't stuff them, they'll be too dry, which has been a common theme of this episode and I like that.
[00:04:33]  Except for that one story about the meth.
[00:04:37]  Yes, Trump has pardoned the turkey and spared him from his fate.
[00:04:41]  But will we do the same for your local baker?
[00:04:46]  Your local candlestick maker?
[00:04:50]  No, they will be stabbed repeatedly in the belly and then stuffed with garlic and roasted over an open flame at 420 degrees.
[00:05:02]  And provided as material to the local shoemaker.
[00:05:07]  I think there's maybe... Again, why are we okay with this dude with this accent talking about... He doesn't know shit about our traditions.
[00:05:14]  I kind of like him.
[00:05:15]  He's never even seen a turkey.
[00:05:17]  I kind of want to start watching Tucker whenever he's got the night off.
[00:05:21]  Yeah, I like that.
[00:05:22]  I like this guy a lot.
[00:05:23]  Just like not knowing what Thanksgiving is.
[00:05:26]  Is that part of the app?
[00:05:28]  Just like not knowing what Thanksgiving is.
[00:05:31]  Like, I love this shit.
[00:05:34]  He's like, we wish you- So good.
[00:05:36]  Isn't this what- So fucking good.
[00:05:38]  How are you supposed to have a Thanksgiving without singing a classic Thanksgiving song?
[00:05:45]  We wish you a Merry Christmas!
[00:05:47]  How are we supposed to do a round?
[00:05:50]  How are we supposed to do a round of this without- Now bring us some figgy pudding!
[00:05:55]  Isn't the figgy pudding what Thanksgiving is all about?
[00:05:58]  And he's just like looking at the people off.
[00:06:00]  Like, he's looking at the crew, like, right?
[00:06:02]  Like, he's asking a genuine question, like, I have no idea!
[00:06:05]  What is Thanksgiving?
[00:06:06]  I really don't know what's going on!
[00:06:11]  I like him.
[00:06:12]  Wait, at what point, at what point do we bring out the butterbeer?
[00:06:15]  When is the butterbeer coming to play?
[00:06:20]  Thanksgiving, that's like Boxing Day, right?