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Dec. 3, 2019 - Minion Death Cult
01:27:25
(Unlocked) I bet when you mention "Thanksgiving" at dinner you get corrected by your daughter

Due to popular demand, (and since we're running late on this week's episode) our Thanksgiving Patreon episode is now unlocked! Support the show and get weekly bonus episodes like this one at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult  On this episode, we cover Cop Thanksgiving memes (they're a thing) and the right-wing freakout/misunderstanding around Friendsgiving Music: Jawbox - Savory

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Time Text
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today, so stay tuned.
We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when people are going to get you all there in Boston.
Stay tuned.
I'm Alexander Edward.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
The world is ending.
Your friends, your neighbors, anyone you care about who is not directly related to you is responsible.
We are documenting it.
What's up everybody?
Happy Thanksgiving slash Black Friday.
Yes.
We are recording this on Thanksgiving, which is kind of weird that you're listening to it, as I would assume a leftist.
Tony and I were forced to work on Thanksgiving for this podcast.
It's something we had to do, really had no choice in the manner.
And it's weird that you're listening to it.
It's weird that you're just enjoying our labor on Thanksgiving.
And it doesn't matter if you're listening to this on Black Friday, because the work was still done on Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
And we're not getting paid time on half of this.
No, absolutely not.
But that's exactly why we're trying to gather and maybe get a better deal next Thanksgiving.
Yeah, we need to unionize against the management at Minion Death Cult.
Yes.
Yeah, no, it doesn't matter when you're listening to this.
The good thing, as a good leftist, you should just not listen to this episode.
I think.
Yeah, I mean, we've all already fasted throughout Thanksgiving because we didn't want to consume any food.
Because if you eat food on that day, you're basically like...
giving a big thumbs up to, uh, you know, to genocide.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
So I, I mean, we've all been fasting now for 24 hours.
So yeah.
Um, you've already done that.
So you can at least continue in that effort and, uh, you know, see, I was going to say, uh, on Thanksgiving, we make our own food so we don't have to, uh, you know, exploit workers having to work on their holiday, but you're saying no food at all because like karma, the but you're saying no food at all because like karma, the karmic gods might confuse your eating of food as a celebration of the holiday Yeah, you can only consume lemon water today.
Okay.
Yeah.
Alright, I was gonna say- And some millet.
You can have a half cup of millet.
Okay.
I was going to say, you could make your own podcast at home today.
You know, don't go out looking for somebody else to make your podcast today.
You could make it at home.
You know, enjoy some family time.
Make your own deranged right-wing podcast.
You want to hear something stupid, though, about actually making your own food at home?
Yeah, you know I do.
I was very excited to make my world-famous mac and cheese.
My world-famous vegan mac and cheese.
I was excited to make it.
I've never heard of it.
That's because you're not vegan.
I do consider myself a citizen of the world though.
You are.
You are.
I mean, you're always trying.
I was really excited to make this mac and cheese because my way of being passive-aggressive to my ex was not sharing the mac and cheese recipe with her.
She asked for it.
I said, nope, you don't get the mac and cheese recipe.
Put my foot down.
So I was excited to make it and post it.
I got all the ingredients yesterday and I went to make it this morning and you know what I forgot to get for the mac and cheese?
Fucking cheese.
I didn't get any cheese.
Your vegan cheese.
No, I didn't get any vegan cheese.
You gotta clarify that because for us non-vegans cheese usually just means cheese.
Yeah, yeah.
But in this case it's different.
It's vegan cheese.
Yeah, so you are going to go to your local supermarket today on Thanksgiving to buy your vegan cheese.
No, I'm not because it's raining outside and my car's in the shop.
Oh, okay.
So no vegan cheese, no mac and cheese is happening, so there will be no photo posted on the internet as a flex.
It will not happen now.
And I'm sad about it.
Would you have gone to a store on Thanksgiving in order to flex on your ex?
Oh absolutely, yeah.
Okay, it overrode that.
Yeah.
I was gonna get the good bread crumbs.
I was gonna make it look real crazy.
So thank God for poverty because not only did it prevent you from, like, participating in capitalism, uh, for the most part on Thanksgiving, it also made you look like the bigger person.
Everybody was waiting for Tony to post his world-famous mac and cheese in order to spite his ex-girlfriend.
Everybody was waiting for that shoe to drop and then it didn't because Tony is the bigger person.
Just kidding.
He's broke.
He's just broke.
We will all say that Tony is a mature individual who abstains from the horrors of capitalism and interpersonal pettiness.
Yeah.
Dude, I actually have to.
There is, I don't know if the listener, the listener probably heard this happen one time.
So my boom arm that holds the microphone, there's no more like clamp that keeps the microphone where it's supposed to be.
And so my cat just head bumps it and it knocks the mic over.
And that's what you're hearing.
It looked like a malicious headbutt.
Yeah, he knows what he's doing.
Um, so I actually am participating in gruesome capitalism today because, uh, my parents are up here from California.
They came to visit me for the week and, uh, decided that we would be going out to eat on Thanksgiving.
I love it.
Uh, so we are going to Buca de Bepos on Thanksgiving, which I have to say is going to be more delicious than probably a Thanksgiving meal my mom would have cooked.
I mean, that's because Buca di Peppo's is peak authentic Italiano.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, when you're here, you're Italiano, is their catchphrase.
And since it's Thanksgiving, hopefully you can get the Pope's room.
You can get Papa's room, they call it.
I want the Pope room.
I want to take the severed head of whatever Pope that is that they put at the center of the table.
I think it's still Pope John Paul.
It's not the Porky Pope.
It's not Porky Pope.
I want to take that Pope head and I want to put it into the Wild Wild West machine that will project its last thoughts and sights onto the wall so I can see who killed the Pope.
I like that.
Yeah.
I was really sad when I found out that Buca de Pepos was in fact a chain.
Yeah, you're gonna be even more sad.
It happened in my mid-twenties.
You're gonna be even more sad when you find out that it's Buca de Bepos.
Oh, yeah.
That boogity pep pose.
Yeah, you know, my ancestors are rolling in the grave right now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, my ancestors are smiling on me.
Yeah.
Infidel.
Yeah, let's get to the episode.
We're just doing a Thanksgiving episode, folks.
Hey, this is a Patreon episode, by the way.
Thanks so much for supporting the show.
Really appreciate it.
Yeah, appreciate ya.
Yeah, so here's a post from, uh, Cherrie.
I don't- this is like Cherrie.
This is like Mon Cherrie, huh?
You're being generous.
It's Cherrie.
It's Ch- C-H-E-R-R-I-E.
Yeah, it's Cherrie.
This is like- This- her- hold on.
Her middle name is even crazier.
Wait till we get to the middle name, folks.
Her whole name is crazy.
Okay.
Cherrie Sandal Welch.
Which sounds like some sort of like tropical cocktail.
Can I pronounce this the way I think it should be pronounced?
Sure.
Sheree Sandell Welch.
You're so kind.
Because Sandell is S-A-N-D-E-L.
Yes.
Sandell.
Yeah.
Sheree Sandell Welch.
And then Welch is just normal.
Posts into the choose to refuse common core Facebook group If I hear the term quote friends giving one more time I'm going to blow To to leave out the word danks Defeats what the holiday is all about right hyphen not to mention.
It's redundant By its very nature, Thanksgiving automatically incorporates friendship!
Friendship.
Please correct anyone who uses this term.
Line break.
That's amazing.
Line break.
Dot dot dot dot.
And dot dot dot dot dot.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Get his ass.
Sherry just fucked everybody up.
You probably didn't think she was gonna do it.
You probably thought she was gonna be cool, but she had a flex on you with the all-caps HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I mean, she was already coming at us pretty hard.
I didn't need her to do the Happy Thanksgiving, but I understand why she did it.
What's funny, because I want to be more upset about this, but I also hate Friendsgiving.
I also hate that a bunch of people get together a week before Thanksgiving, and they happen to eat turkey, but it's a week before Thanksgiving, so now it's Friendsgiving.
You're like, you're real pessimist.
You're like a real cynic over here.
I don't know what it is.
I thought I was the cynic.
I, I, like... Friendsgiving is fine, dude.
It's just, it's just a cute way to, it's a cute excuse to see your friends, bro.
I'm just sad because no one invites me to Friendsgiving because it's usually a potluck situation and I'm one of those people.
What do you mean?
One of those vegans and no one wants my fucking tofurkey and so they'd rather just not have my company as well.
I mean, well, you don't have to bake the tofurkey or whatever.
I mean, you could, like, bring a side.
I'mma hear some rolls.
I brought rolls.
Is it because you insist on bringing the tofurkey?
Is that why you don't get invited?
Uh, no.
I think I just don't get invited because I'm like... I just bum everyone out and I'm all like...
Hey, you should maybe stop, like, being a bigot.
And then they get all mad that I do that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, so, you know.
You could find other things to thank them for.
Instead of, like, their bigotry, which you don't want to thank them for.
I don't know, you could thank them for, um... I don't know, uh, mowing their lawn.
And making it look nice.
I can go mow their lawns?
That's not what I said.
Oh, thank them for mowing their own lawns and having nice yards?
Yeah!
No, I hate everyone that has a yard now.
I'm very bitter.
Everyone that has a yard can fuck off.
I don't want... I'm never gonna have a yard, so I don't... I can fuck that yard.
I think Friendsgiving is fine.
I don't have a problem with Friendsgiving.
But it happens too early now.
People do it like two weeks in advance.
Do they?
That's just a meal with your homies.
Okay.
Yeah.
It has to be like week of.
I think it has to be five days in or five days out.
There's like a little leeway there.
Okay.
Um, let's read, so they posted this article, uh, from a CBS affiliate.
The headline reads, President Trump, colon, we're not going to change the name Thanksgiving.
We won't do it.
Refused.
No one's ever asked him to.
No one's, that's never been a thing.
We're not going to do it.
Uh, relax America.
President Donald Trump is assuring a Florida crowd he's not going to change the name of Thanksgiving.
Trump is speaking at a re-election rally in Florida, where he is spending a long Thanksgiving weekend.
Trump tells the crowd that, quote, some people want to change the name Thanksgiving.
They don't want to use the term Thanksgiving.
He also says that's true of Christmas, but, quote, now everybody is using Christmas again.
So we're gonna bring back Thanksgiving.
Um, yeah.
We're not changing it, he says.
I know you guys are really worried that next year you'll only be able to find Happy Friendsgiving cards, but I assure you they will still be available.
You can still get your streamers that say Happy Thanksgiving and your balloons.
They will be Thanksgiving from here on out.
Yeah, a lot of people just found out about Friendsgiving this year when, I don't know, my friends have been doing Friendsgiving since we all moved out of our houses.
Yeah.
We've been doing Friendsgiving since like 2008.
Yeah.
It's like, because everyone figured out that this is a cool thing where we all eat this food together, but I'd rather do it with people that I'm choosing to do it with.
Yeah.
Rather than like, you know, my sick-ass family that I'm gonna make a cameo at later.
I mean, wait till these people find out about Thanksgiving.
Oof.
Yeah.
They're gonna freak out.
With people trying to turn Thanksgiving vegan.
We're doing it.
We're going to do it.
Some people want the holiday to be vegan, folks.
It's not going to be vegan.
Ikea did it.
Oh yeah?
How'd they do it?
Yeah.
Ikea's Thanksgiving menu has no meat.
Ikea's Thanksgiving menu has no meat.
Yeah.
Pretty bizarre statement, I think.
I just realized that there are three people going to Ikea for Thanksgiving, which is actually kind of sick.
Isn't Ikea famous for meatballs?
Now they have vegan ones.
Okay.
The meatballs are still there, I'm sure, but the Thanksgiving items are plant-based.
I can't believe IKEA has a Thanksgiving menu.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know what to say to that.
They have a crazy vegan dog now that's like 75 cents and it has fried onions on top.
It's amazing.
Hold on.
When was the last time you were at IKEA?
Uh, it's been a minute.
How do you, why do you know about the IKEA vegan, like, are you following, is this your vegan news circles, like, sharing this shit?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, it's weird.
It's kind of weird.
And I had someone bring me a hot dog.
Someone brought me a hot dog, but I didn't go to IKEA.
And so it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like hours old when I ate it.
And it was still delicious.
It was so good.
But next time I need a rug that I know I can purchase and it was like as pretty ethically manufactured, I can go to Ikea.
They're actually like a decent company.
I'm just waiting for the day... Oh, hey, did you hear Hardee's?
They have a new vegan burrito.
It's like, Hardee's is on the East Coast, dude.
Yeah, well, I mean, I'm assuming if Carl's Jr.
got it, then also Hardee's got it.
I know, I know.
I couldn't think of a different, like, East Coast chain.
And actually, you know what?
Yes, I really want to try the White Castle Impossible Burgers, because they have those.
That's real.
I was talking to Brett about them.
He's like, they're fucking tight, dude.
They're really good.
I was like, god damn it.
I gotta make a trip just to get a White Castle.
Oh hey, Alex.
Did you hear Sheetz has vegan corn dogs now?
Oh man.
Cool.
Thanks, Tony.
I would suplex someone for a really good corn dog.
You love to hear about it.
It's so stupid.
I love hearing about vegan food, you know.
I follow a feed that's so bad, it's just called Vegan Trader Joe's.
And it's items at Trader Joe's that might not be labeled as vegan, but they are vegan.
And so it lets you know all the new stuff that comes with Trader Joe's that is vegan.
And it's really a good feed.
Do you think Trader Joe's would make more money or lose money if they added the word vegan onto all the packaging for every single item that was technically vegan?
The market's weird right now.
I think that, like, I think that you just don't do it.
I think you let them do the work.
Vegans are used to doing that work on their own, right?
The name still has a stigma to it.
If they could, they would put, like, plant-based on it, you know?
But based is spelled like based, God?
Isn't that how based is already spelled?
Yeah, but you can try the inflection.
The inflection is like Based God.
Plant-based parenthesis the meme kind of based.
Thank you, exactly.
Exactly.
We're gonna start a revolution, man.
You watch out.
That's why the B in Based isn't capitalized, because it's Lil B.
Exactly, but the rest of it is capitalized.
Anyways!
Yeah, so Trump won't let them change Thanksgiving.
Trump's not going to let them do it.
We're not going to have Thanksgiving, even though that keeps the thanks in it.
The audio is great from this clip.
I'll play some of it for the listener.
As we gather together for Thanksgiving, you know some people want to change the name Thanksgiving.
They don't want to use the term Thanksgiving.
And that was true also with Christmas, but now everybody's using Christmas again.
Remember I said that?
But now we're going to have to do a little work on Thanksgiving.
People have different ideas why it shouldn't be called Thanksgiving, but everybody in this room I know loves the name Thanksgiving, and we're not changing it.
I just love this.
Yeah, hey, the socialists, uh, they're trying to take away Friday and make Friday Monday, uh, because they just love ruining things for you.
They love, uh, making you work all the time.
I mean, you're just gonna work nonstop if there's socialism.
Uh, for those other people who don't work.
You'll be the one working all the time.
You'll have no Fridays.
All your Fridays will be Mondays.
Saturdays will be Wednesdays.
Sundays... is gonna be Thursdays now.
Oh, no.
Well, they have to get rid of the Lord's Day.
Have to get rid of it.
That's gonna be, that's gonna be day one.
They're gonna get rid of the Lord's Day right away.
Yeah.
Sorry, Lord.
This is Thursday now.
Yeah, I just, I love it.
Like, I love this nonsense.
This is just, like, absolute childish nonsense.
Oh, they're trying to steal Thanksgiving.
They're trying to sneak in and do a heist on Thanksgiving, but I stopped them.
I hit the laser guard, the little laser sensors, and they're trying to weave in and out like the snakes they are, but they're still tripping the lasers, and I'm catching them, and they're not stealing Thanksgiving from you.
Well, I don't know if you've seen this, but the left news, they're talking about these coups over there, but they're not talking about the coup on Thanksgiving.
And that's really the issue that's going on.
They just don't want to talk about it.
Yeah.
They're trying to take Thanksgiving from us.
They're trying to overthrow the rightfully placed thanks in front of the giving.
It will not be replaced with friends.
Um, okay, so Elena Couchman comments on the Choose to Refuse Common Core thread.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Eight exclamation points.
Thank you, Jesus, for this day.
My favorite thing besides just white Jesus is specifically American Jesus, which definitely exists because that's the only way you're thanking Jesus for this day that is only an American holiday.
And yeah, these people think that, like, Jesus cares about the concept of America and was American.
And the specific holiday of Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
I love I love when we get these like weird abstracted forms of patriotism or religion like what we covered in the live show that child reenactment of the raising of the flag at Iwo Jima statue Those kids who were just reenacting the statue for Veterans Day or Memorial Day?
Not the actual soldiers, but the statue.
Yeah, they weren't reenacting the raising of the flag.
They were just reenacting the statue.
And one of the comments was, we don't have much...
For our freedom.
We don't have much to show for our freedom except this.
And it was like a positive note.
Yeah, it was good.
It was good.
And much the same way that is sort of like a thrice removed representation of what our actual freedom is.
Thank you Jesus for the holiday of Thanksgiving is just so abstract in my mind because Well, what are you thankful for on Thanksgiving?
I'm thankful for Jesus for creating the holiday of Thanksgiving.
Yeah!
That was one of his best ideas he's ever had.
You know, they don't talk about this, but there was a Thanksgiving that Jesus went to where he actually... the gravy boat was never empty.
The gravy boat just was continually... and it was his little homage.
I got you guys.
That's nice.
The gravy flows.
He would wink and it would fill up.
Yeah, I just, you know, thank you Jesus for this day of Thanksgiving.
And, like, the only reason you're saying that is because Trump said Thanksgiving was good.
Yeah, yeah.
This is a response... And Trump is Jesus.
This is a response to Trump saying, hey, this holiday is great.
They're trying to steal the holiday from you.
The holiday isn't, like, Whatever you personally want to do with it.
Like the holiday isn't just an idea or like a word on a piece of paper that then you then choose how to celebrate or I don't know pay respects to whatever.
No, the holiday is a tangible thing.
It is a tangible good thing that Trump has provided to you.
So now you have to say, thank you for this day, Jesus slash Trump.
I don't even want to think about the days before Trump when we didn't have Thanksgiving.
Awful.
That was awful.
Before Trump and Jesus had their meeting together and made Thanksgiving happen, This was just a random day before a sale.
Well, I mean, before Thanksgiving, we didn't have anything to be thankful for.
That's what Thanksgiving is about.
It's about being thankful for the holiday of Thanksgiving.
Yeah, we call that the dark period.
It was just desolate.
It was sad.
Everything was bad.
And now we have mashed potatoes.
I mean, that's like one of the best parts of Thanksgiving, arguably.
I mean, obviously, top three things about Thanksgiving Mashed potatoes.
Turkey.
Gravy.
Cornucopias.
Okay.
Like, as a piece of decoration?
As a functional piece of table setting.
That's where you have the fruits and vegetables pouring out of.
Okay.
How would that become a thing?
That's a thing, right?
Yeah, well, I think it represents like the horn of plenty, the cornucopia.
It's, it's your, it's your bounty is overflowing and this is what you're thankful for.
But it's like almost like mystical.
Like I, that was one of those things that, uh, I've never seen one in real life and when I have seen one in real life it was at like Joann's or a craft store so it felt fake still.
I don't know.
I think that cornucopias are not real.
Yeah, I think it's more of an idea.
I think it's more of a symbol.
Mike Travia says, What bugs me about, quote, friendsgiving, is that people think friends can replace family.
I am tired of liberals who think family can be your buddies, or your cat, or your neighbors, or your plant and rock collection.
Family is blood!
It's your relatives and parents and children and spouse.
That is not the same as friends.
All of Mike's friends are reading this being like, man, fuck Mike.
What?
I thought he was down.
Like, I, apparently he's not down.
Apparently he's not down.
Apparently he has not watched any of the Fast and Furious movies.
Uh, apparently he has not listened to Kino Laughter, which, uh, what is it?
Evan's Rule?
Evan's Law?
That describes, uh, all forms of entertainment in a post 9-11 era, uh, are about friends who come together and create their own family.
Yeah, exactly what it is.
on the tour I was talking to uh to the boys and they were talking about the street fight boys how Brian is Toretto and Brett is Brian and I was like yeah okay all right I see it and it was it was He made a sound argument why he is, in fact, Toretto.
Okay, I mean, share with us why.
Because he's strong.
Okay.
Because, like, if one of them had to, like, body slam someone, it's gonna be Bryan.
Yeah, he's got that dad-band strength.
I mean, Brett does too, but I think it's mostly for show.
And, like, if one of them had to shave their heads, it's also gonna be Bryan.
And then that led to somebody asking, who would we be?
And then obviously, you're Brian, but then I was Ja Rule for some reason.
It was just soft racism in the end.
So we don't exist in the same Fast and Furious universe as Street Fight.
We're not part of the same crew.
We each have our own Fast and Furious franchises.
My only job is to yell, Menage!
And that's it.
That's my only line, which is the best line in cinema.
Who's Brian?
Uh, Toretto.
Vin Diesel.
Wait.
Oh, Brian, who's Brian?
That's Paul Walker.
Yeah, that's the other guy, Vin Toretto.
Okay.
Alright.
That got confusing.
That did.
I knew that was gonna happen.
Okay.
Yeah.
So I want to be Paul Walker, but from Meet the Deedles.
You are Paul Walker.
Okay.
I want to be Paul Walker, but from Meet the Deedles.
That's the Paul Walker I want to be.
I think that Paul Walker's cooler, and he didn't die in a tangential accident related to Meet the Deedles.
Like, what if... What if you...
Because Paul Walker died... What if he died surfing?
No, hold on.
What if Paul Walker had died on a motorized keg?
Oh my god.
On a motorized minibar like in Meet the Deedles.
Yeah, like in Meet the Deedles.
Just... He was off-roading on top of his motorized minibar from Meet the Deedles.
That's only for real Paul Walker heads.
Yeah, imagine the sentimental memes that would have sprouted out like a little mini fridge in the sunset.
People would have it tattooed on them.
Yeah, and it shows whoever the actor is that played his brother looking over at him in his Boy Scout uniform.
Do I need to re-watch Meet the Deedles?
There's no way that's good at all, right?
There's no way.
And then Petey the Hedgehog, what is it?
Petey the Groundhog gives him the thumbs up.
And then he rides off into the sunset.
People would have Petey the Groundhog tattoos for sure.
That'd be a thing for sure.
It's a good thing it was a Porsche.
Good thing it was a Porsche.
Much cooler series.
As an individual film, Deedles wins.
But as the full canon, Fast and the Furious.
So family is blood, all caps.
It's your relatives and parents and children and spouse.
You know how your spouse is blood?
You know how you marry and forticate with your blood relatives?
You don't do a blood transfusion with your spouse?
That's what you're supposed to do.
I don't think that that turns their blood into your blood.
I think it just gives them a little extra blood for a little bit and then they're good.
You still gotta go to the guy that turns wine into blood, but he'll do it for you.
I think this guy is just having sex with his relatives.
That's what I think.
Yeah, I am tired of liberals- Not to- That's illegal, Mike.
You shouldn't do that.
I am tired of liberals who think family can be your buddies, or your cat, or your neighbors, or your plant and rock collection.
I like the phrase plant collection.
Like, I like to think Mike is just, like, so, I don't know, not human, not caring, not feeling, and he's like, what's up with you and, like, your plant collection?
Why do you collect all these plants?
Are they of value to you somehow?
Are you going to resell them?
In 10 years, are they going to be worth more money?
You're just hoarding plants.
Same thing with these pets.
Why do you have this pet collection?
What is it worth?
What is this cat worth right here?
You don't even have them in bags.
You don't even have them in Mylar bags.
They're losing value every day.
That's why I like people like you.
You're like a... You still collect cats for the sole reasons because, if we're being honest, your cats have terrible resale value.
They do.
Yeah, they're not worth much.
They're only really valuable to you.
They're not going to do very well in the second-hand market.
No.
I also like that this guy is mad at liberals calling friends family when the name of the holiday is Friendsgiving.
It's not, it's not families giving.
Family giving, yeah.
He calls it Blood Oath Day.
Yeah, stupid.
Okay.
Uh, Cindy, Sydney Sullivan says, it's been, so she's talking about Thanksgiving and not another holiday.
Not Friendsgiving.
Thanksgiving.
Sydney Sullivan says, it's been good enough for 399 years, sir!
Why don't you just do like hundreds of years?
Why did you pick a specific number?
Was it 399 years ago?
to be thankful alone.
God bless America!
Four exclamation points. - Why don't you just do like hundreds of years?
Why did you pick a specific number?
- Yeah, is that a number right?
- Was it 399 years ago? - I don't think so.
Well, I don't know.
Isn't that how, like, the calendar works?
Didn't we, um, reset the calendar when America was discovered?
So, America's been around for 2019 years.
Yeah, no, uh, Thanksgiving was created in, uh, 1620.
That was the first Thanksgiving we ever had.
Yeah.
For sure.
Uh, yeah.
I just, you know, it's been good enough for 3399 years, sir!
So she's like, she's thankful for Trump for keeping it around.
Hey, thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
And I like that Cindy, if you go to her profile pic, it's like one of those fake wanted posters kind of, you know, it's it's like sepia tone parchment paper.
With her pick, and I'm assuming like her boyfriend or her lover.
They would probably say lover.
I'm looking at these haircuts and facial hairs and they would definitely say lover.
And we'll get to that in a second.
And the text underneath on the parchment says, Cindy means untameable.
And I just think there's nothing more untameable than pledging undying loyalty to your nation and to the president and to God.
Yeah.
Definitely speaks to her untameability, I would think.
If you didn't believe her untamability, Sydney does not give a fuck.
She uses two different fonts in this three word sentence here.
Yeah.
And there's a crazy line break between it.
And the one font that is the same font for two words is two different sizes completely.
Yeah, one of them is bolded and the other one's not.
She doesn't give a fuck.
Sydney is not untamable.
No, you're like, what style guide are you working with, Sydney?
And she's like, none.
None, bitch.
Also, also, all caps, all caps Sydney, lowercase means, all caps untameable, but three different fonts.
Yeah.
It's incredible.
Good job.
She's wild.
But yeah, Sydney is probably like 60 years old.
She's like a, you know, a foxy 60 year old.
She's cute.
She's super cute.
Her boyfriend is 30 years old with a goatee.
Yeah, he's like 30 years old, but he looks like shit for 30.
Yeah, when she says... Go ahead.
Like, he does yoga, but also meth.
At the same time, or you have to separate them?
Absolutely, on the same time, yeah.
Oh, okay.
He only does meth in a way that's functional.
It's just like coffee.
Recreational?
Yeah.
Yeah, when she means untamable, she means I'm fucking somebody who's 30 years younger than me.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
And I'm the Dom.
Yeah, she totally is, yeah.
I see you Sydney.
David Walker says they already changed Columbus Day to Discoverers Day.
Did they?
And they are making Halloween bigger and bigger every year and Christmas less and less.
I blame that goddamn Jack Skeleton for that one.
This is something I think we've all noticed.
That Halloween just keeps going longer and longer every year.
It stretches into November and now it's even stretching into December.
They're not starting Christmas until like December 25th now.
Which is like the opposite of the truth.
That's a good point.
People put up their Christmas lights.
People put up their Christmas lights on November 1st.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do that bit, that really good comedic bit about how Christmas starts sooner and sooner.
Well, I am that person that believes that, only because I was raised this way and I'm a person that believes in traditions and upholding, you know, those traditions.
No Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving.
And I thought that I might have been a little off there, but I was recently vindicated when Lana Del Rey and Kacey Musgraves announced that they would be releasing their Christmas song on November 29th.
That's cool.
Tomorrow.
That's nice.
So they're on my side, and if I have Lana and Kacey on my side, I think that means I won.
I love having Lana on my side as well.
Really agree with Lana here.
To be real, I wouldn't take her on her own.
You know?
You wouldn't take who on her own?
The Kacey Musgraves co-sign with Lana is like, that's really what brings it.
You're saying Lana.
I wouldn't... Lana?
I think it's Lana, dude.
Lana?
Yeah.
Ah, okay.
Sure?
No, whatever.
I mean, yeah, I don't actually care.
I'm saying Casey Wright, and that's all I care about.
You're getting that one right.
Yeah, I'm nailing that one.
Yeah, they already changed Columbus Day to Discoverer's Day.
I don't know if that's the one that they changed it to?
Also, yeah, if you're so mad at these PC liberals for changing things that we decided to change it to Discoverer's Day?
Like, that's what you came up with?
That's the fake narrative you have?
Is that we'd settle for Discoverer's Day?
Like, imagine the township or the city or the state who's like, okay, Columbus is responsible for genocide, who's extremely racist, but he did technically discover America.
He discovered the continent of America.
You can't dispute that.
We're over here trying to change it to Genocidal Maniac Day, and they changed it to Discoverer's Day.
Let's celebrate all discoverers.
I like to actually, I commit my day to Isaac Newton.
To Benjamin Franklin and his crazy ass.
Yeah, and you can just celebrate whoever you want.
You bigots over there, you can still celebrate Columbus.
And the indigenous people can celebrate Sacagawea, who discovered how to not die at the hands of North American explorers.
Colonists.
Yeah, okay, so this is the same post.
Eric Grossenbacher says, uh, generally I agree about Thanksgiving.
We'll always be here.
You will pry Thanksgiving from my cold dead hands.
Uh, generally I agree, but my daughter and their friends had Friendsgiving the other day.
A rather large group of friends celebrated with each other.
Today they will be with family celebrating Thanksgiving.
It is their way of having a celebration with friends.
I see nothing wrong with it at all.
Jim Wilmington replies, uh, it's still Thanksgiving.
If it's with a friend or family.
Don't need to change the name just because we have it with friends or family.
Um, so I like this because it's literally like on a different day, but it's still fucking Thanksgiving, alright?
If you're- November is Thanksgiving.
If you're eating at a table, just like any time, any day near Thanksgiving, then it's fucking Thanksgiving, alright?
It just is.
Especially if it's poultry.
Don't need to change the name just because we have it with friends or family.
Name was made because we are to be giving thanks to God for his provisions, grace, and mercy.
I hope you agree!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Yeah.
Well, he clearly doesn't agree.
That's what you're responding to.
Yeah.
Is him not agreeing to what you're saying.
Well, he thought maybe he was going to change his mind with this excellent comment.
Changing hearts and minds.
And then Steve Espo also replies to Eric, this is how they tear down traditions.
I bet when you mention Thanksgiving at dinner you get corrected by your daughter.
So, once again, this is like people being, I don't know, just very stupid, you know?
Not understanding that they're two different things.
Yeah.
Not understanding that Thanksgiving is a different thing than Friendsgiving.
They happen usually on different days, definitely at different times, usually at different places.
Um, and, this guy thinks that, uh, Friendsgiving is the gender-neutral term for Thanksgiving.
Yeah, exactly.
Trying to offend people with the Friendsgiving.
Yeah, I bet your granddaughter, who looks like Jimmy Fallon in that pigtail wig, uh, in that bit he does, uh, I bet your granddaughter says, Excuse me?
Like, it's Friendsgiving?
You bigot!
Ooh, I like how you said bigot though, that was good.
Yeah.
This name had me really shook though, because there's this designer graffiti artist whose name is Steve Powers, but his handle is Espo.
So his name is Steve Espo.
Wow.
And I was super shook here.
I was like, what the fuck?
This dude's pretty cool.
He's done some really interesting work on, um, that kind of speaks on capitalism and those things.
And he's, he's does good work.
And then I saw that he has the Q, like the Q, the QQ profile pick.
And I was like, Oh yeah, there's no way that's him because he would have at least done like a really nicely stylized Q that looks really good.
I would have been like, I would have been into, but I knew this one wasn't him because it's bad.
Yeah.
You think that's the QQ though?
That's the QQ.
You don't think it's just like a different Q, like a normal Q?
No, that's the QQ.
Yeah, it's probably the QQ.
Yeah, it's definitely the QQ.
What if somebody just had a normal Q in their profile pic?
Posers!
Well, maybe they're not trying to be a Q. Maybe they just like the letter Q. Yeah, they think the Q is cute.
They're like, oh, somebody's like, oh, you know what's up.
Where we go one, we go all.
And you're like, no, no, I get this all the time.
I'm just a fan of the letter Q. She's like, this isn't a swastika.
They're pointing the other direction.
Okay, well that's a real thing, I guess.
Yeah.
I think a Q is funnier because why would you ever have a Q in your profile pic?
Yes.
Okay, so let's move on.
I discovered something.
I need to take a pee break, sorry.
It smells so crazy out there.
Katie's making her turkey and gravy and stuff.
Nice.
Smells so good.
I like to bake my tofurkey in the oven as the real turkey.
Get the essence of it, you know?
You like to bake your tofurkey in the same oven as the real turkey?
Yeah.
I put it inside of a real turkey.
Oh, okay.
Wow.
That's crazy.
That's cool, but I'd say that's a good life hack.
Yeah.
Take notes, folks.
Just if you rub some turkey on your tofurkey, it'll make it taste a lot like regular turkey, but you won't be eating any turkey.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Ready?
Yep.
Yeah, so for the second half of this episode, we're still doing Thanksgiving, folks.
Still doing Thanksgiving with something that I didn't know existed, but apparently does, which is Thanksgiving cop memes.
I mean...
If there was, you know, there's chocolate and there's peanut butter, you know, why would you not want them together?
Yeah, I was really angry at first about this because I was like, hey, these things are both so good separate.
Why would you ever mix them up?
Until I finally tasted some.
Yeah.
Someone got some cop in my Thanksgiving.
Someone got some Thanksgiving in my cop.
Yeah, two great tastes that go great together.
Cop memes and Thanksgiving memes.
And let's just start off simple.
Let's start off with the staple, which is an outline of a tom turkey with a Blue Lives Matter flag inside of it.
Yup.
Yup.
The tom turkey is wearing a pilgrim hat as well.
Obviously.
Is it even a tom turkey if it's not wearing a pilgrim's hat?
That's probably redundant, isn't it?
Yeah, it's a little debatable.
I don't think it would even qualify.
Yeah, the Tom Turkey already includes the Pilgrim's Hat.
For sure.
It's incredible.
It's beautiful.
If one of the characters from Black and Blue had this turkey, it would be an Uncle Tom turkey.
key and i can say that because i've seen the movie black and blue oh god that was yeah Yep.
I have nothing to contribute to that.
It doesn't get better than that.
Praise from Caesar.
So I like this.
I like it because it's just a turkey with the Blue Lives Matter flag.
Like hey, it's the holiday, but we can't forget about cops.
It's a different holiday, but we can't forget about our boys in blue just because it's Thanksgiving.
I would like to see this in other holidays.
Wait, are you giving thanks to something besides cops and Jesus?
You have to include cops and Jesus.
That's all I'm thankful for, is cops and Jesus.
If you want to be thankful for other stuff too, we might allow that.
As long as you are definitely thankful for cops.
Yes.
Like, yeah, like I want to see a Christmas manger outline filled with a Blue Lives Matter flag.
I want to see that for Christmas.
A Christmas angel?
Like the silhouette?
That too.
I like it.
I like it.
I'm thinking of like the outline of the manger that you see the reason for the season on the back of people's cars but filled to the brim with Blue Lives Matter flag.
It's early enough.
We can cash in on this.
This is a good idea.
Yeah, that's a very good idea.
Just like redbubble.com.
I think you could do it there.
Yeah, for Martin Luther King Jr.
Day.
Just a silhouette of Martin Luther King Jr.
with a Blue Lives Matter flag inside of his head.
Yep, yep.
I mean, yeah, that's perfect.
It would at least be a good meme.
Like, we don't need to produce the sticker or the flag or whatever.
Just, you know, make a meme for your grandma to share.
I mean, that Marlin King Jr.
Day one, that might actually, like, heal the nation.
It could, I think.
Someone would look at that and be like, oh wow.
Like, true lives can exist within the shape of Martin Luther King Jr.' 's head.
Someone would just see that and be like, oh yeah, that's true.
Oh man, there goes racism.
That's true.
There goes institutionalized racism.
It's gone now.
That meme is 100% accurate.
We have to do this now.
For the country.
For the better of the country.
Here's another cop Thanksgiving meme.
Which I guess exists, man.
Man, I... Keep going.
Like, when you had that, when you showed me that, it didn't seem real.
It didn't seem like they all went together, but they are together.
Okay, well, you're jumping ahead a little bit.
The listener has no idea what's together.
I'm just remarking on the idea that there's cop Thanksgiving memes.
That there's more?
Yeah.
Just in general.
Yeah, that they exist.
It's pretty wild.
Like, I'm so grateful for this show.
Like, I know the listener is thankful for this show on Thanksgiving, of course, but I'm also thankful for this show because that's how I found out about cop Thanksgiving memes.
It's it's and the thing is I don't think these these are probably made in July which is beautiful.
I don't think these are made on Thanksgiving or around there's only one day to you know like this is this is methodical this is thought out these are these are like well executed memes.
You know, this is not some fly-by-night meme job.
This is passion.
This is... This is art.
I mean, yeah.
If you're the kind of ingrate who's only thankful for cops on Thanksgiving, then yeah.
Yeah.
You're not gonna be making a meme this great.
So there's three images that are, like, tiled together, you know?
Kind of like a 1, 2, 3 here.
Top left frame says pizza delivery, and there's a pizza emoji, and then it's cops holding Little Caesars pizza, which might be your first clue that this is not an actual pizza delivery because Little Caesars does not deliver.
No, only hot and ready.
Bottom text, just kidding, you have warrants.
Got you.
The image on the right is the dinner scene from Talladega Nights.
You know, the Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
I think we're all familiar with that.
Which somehow is part of... There is some subtext that Talladega Nights is part of Blue Lives Matter canon.
In some weird way, I feel like it is.
I think that it's...
It's like people being epic by doing the stuff from Talladega Nights, like thinking it's good stuff.
Yeah.
It's kind of like a looser, more vague Team America, World Police thing.
Yes.
You know, it's kind of a combination.
It's kind of a combination.
The whole, like, I'm going to stand in a red, white, and blue flag speedo and fire off bottle rockets on the 4th of July thing.
Exactly.
It's obviously a combination of being like a dumb American to the utmost, and then that sketch where Will Ferrell wore a American flag Speedo after 9-11 to the office.
As a joke, you know, as to like make fun of people for being patriotic, and then patriotic people were like, no, it's good.
It's good, it works.
That's me, yeah.
It's America.
America and genitals is perfect.
It's good that we're a joke.
It's good that this is my personality.
Yeah, okay, so it's the dinner scene from Talladega Nights and we see Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly next to each other.
Top text, impact font, everyone is posting their happy Thanksgiving photos.
Bottom text, and I'm over here just glad the police didn't show up.
Which, yes.
I agree with that sentiment.
And then bottom text, bottom image, bottom frame, whole bottom half of this image shows a cop with a battering ram breaking down someone's door.
Top, impact font, which maybe is a pun?
Did they use the impact font as a pun over the battering ram?
Don't give them that much credit.
They're not that heady.
I think it might be a pun.
Knock knock!
Dot dot dot.
Bottom text.
Freedom's here!
Exclamation point.
What the fuck?
Are we giving cops credit for freedom now?
Yeah.
They get their own American flag.
Do you think that the military's mad at this meme right here?
Um, I think they know they're on the same side.
They might, like, bicker behind closed doors, but, uh, in public they're definitely gonna, like, be on the same side.
Unless you're, uh, an epic boogaloo vet.
Then you might have some different feelings, I guess.
Cops got easy, man.
They get to talk to people that speak English, or at least Spanish.
I have no clue what these people overseas are saying to me.
They don't even know the threat.
That's what a vet would say.
That's what a racist vet would say.
Speaking of the whole Team America, World Police thing, this is again just, yeah, freedom's here, bitch.
They're clearly going in there to arrest somebody.
They're clearly going in there to apprehend somebody.
With some freedom?
We're here to America all over your face.
Uh, we're here to America on your tits, bitch.
You know?
Um, yeah, and like you're saying, Tony, uh, this is the cops whose, like, job is to arrest people and take away their freedoms.
Yeah.
Uh, yeah.
And once, you know, they're not- Oh my God.
Yeah?
These are not even American cops.
These are British cops.
Oh, they're British cops.
Wow, this is great.
Yeah.
You can see, like, the little blue checkerboard stripes on one of them.
Yeah.
What do they call them there?
Bobbies.
These are fucking Bobbies.
Ricky Bobby!
Oh, shit.
This is layered.
Impact font, Talladega Nights, Bobbies, Ricky Bobby.
Oh, my God.
The Right Can Meme.
They're the best memers.
I mean, it's like, this whole thing is really like a fever dream.
Like, it really does look like one of those owning the libtards parody accounts.
Like boobs, beer, bacon, guns, and Trump parody.
...accounts because it's like three memes put together and you read them in order and it's like, it's insane.
Pizza delivery, just kidding, you have warrants.
Everyone is posting their happy Thanksgiving photos and I'm over here just glad the police didn't show up.
Knock knock!
Freedom's here!
So it's like three separate memes that almost tell a coherent story.
It's... it's so close.
Because, uh, if... But this is happening in different universes though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um.
It's cool, man.
And then, uh, Edward Farrington replies, best days to get Sonny Boy at home, comma, on his warrants are Thanksgiving and Xmas!
LMAO.
Crying laughing.
But like, nobody's at home on Thanksgiving.
That's the whole thing about Thanksgiving.
Is it typically people travel somewhere?
That's like moving.
The whole thing about Thanksgiving is that they go to their aunt's house or their grandma's house or their mom's house.
Like, Sonny Boy is not hosting Thanksgiving.
Yeah, maybe.
No, Sonny Boy is not hosting Thanksgiving.
Absolutely not.
I guess that's true.
Sonny Boy is going to Thanksgiving.
He's making plates.
He's making to-go plates during the first round of eating.
And stocking up and then going home.
He's not hosting Thanksgiving.
But see, Edward Farrington added as an attachment to his comic, to his comment, a photo of a, like, patch that says, Police Warrant Squad, NYPD.
Which leads me to believe Edward Farrington might know something about serving warrants.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, he's at least cop-adjacent.
Do you think Sonny Boy... Do you think Sonny Boy, like, bothers going to his extended family's Thanksgiving functions?
Or is Sonny Boy, like, just gonna be at home for his, like, kids and wife or partner on Thanksgiving?
Ooh, that's true.
You know what I mean?
But in my mind, Sonny Boy is trying to get free food.
Yeah, I mean, you're implying that all criminals are, like, thrifty and, like, anybody who has a warrant out for their arrest is gonna be, like, trying to steal food from their extended family.
I didn't say steal.
I think, uh, grift food.
I like thrifty.
Grift food.
There you go, grift, yeah.
I think you're letting Edward Farrington rub off on you a little too much, Tony.
You might be right.
I'm just thinking about how scummy I am and how much I enjoy free food.
Yeah, but you're home.
Today, on Thanksgiving.
Well yeah, because I have to labor.
I think it's funny that if Edward Farrington is indeed an ex-cop or whatever, and he's telling us that these are the best days to get Sonny Boy at home, That kind of renders the whole, like, you should be grateful for cops who have to work on Thanksgiving and have to work on Christmas.
You should be thankful for their service when, like, they've said that those are the best days to, like, catch suspects and imprison them.
So it's actually a good day for them?
Seems like that's the day that they want to work.
Seems like they're making it into, like, a sadistic game where they get to arrest people in front of their families.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's totally what it is.
Because they get to not only arrest him, but also shame him.
And they probably do know where their aunts live.
They probably can find out easily where they're going to go have Thanksgiving.
Yeah, they get to ruin a holiday for children.
Man, that's a good way to make an impact with my family.
Maybe I'll get arrested at Thanksgiving.
Maybe they'll finally understand.
You're going to radicalize your family by getting arrested in front of them on Thanksgiving.
I like that, yeah.
It's gonna be real awkward when my cousin stands up and is like, sorry, I gotta take you in.
But you can have seconds first, and then we can, I'll take you in.
Okay, so it's a different post.
So this is from a year ago.
This is from last Thanksgiving, but I came across it in my research for this episode, and I thought it was too good not to share.
Samantha Rummel posts into Blue Lives Matter, the Facebook group, I'd like everyone to post a complaint to Macy's for cutting off the NYPD marching band and going to commercials during the Thanksgiving parade when the NYPD marching band was going to march.
M-dash, it was absolutely disgusting and disrespectful of the NYPD.
I have been on my Twitter and tweeting and RT and I'd very much appreciate the support as we show our disgust against Macy's.
Until they apologize to the NYPD who serve and protect them every day.
Dot dot dot.
My Twitter is bandmom64.
Oh, this is a lot.
Bandmom?
This is more than just cops.
This is bandcops.
Bandcops are cops.
Oh my god.
Bandmoms are cops.
Let's show Macy's that their blatant disrespect of the NYPD is unacceptable!
Hashtag back the shield.
Hashtag better laws for canines.
Hashtag Macy's behavior is appalling against brave NYPD.
Better laws for canines.
We have to get better laws in the books for the canines.
Yeah and I like how it's better laws number four canines.
That's good because that's efficient.
You know you want your hashtag to be efficient so you put the number four there for canines.
And then you also have the hashtag Macy's behavior is appalling against brave NYPD.
Which is a very thriving hashtag that if you click on that you just have material for days.
I love it because you've sacrificed like at least a part of the uh virility of your hashtag but you needed to include uh the fact that these NYPD officers are brave.
And then also the whole the whole complaint here like it's a parade they're marching they're doing their marching band thing the whole parade um if they went to commercial during it like Were they supposed to cover them for an hour?
Like, you have to cut the band.
They don't just stop.
Yeah, I mean, well, isn't the camera in, like, one place and you record everybody when they walk by that one place?
Exactly, yeah.
Yeah, so, I mean, you weren't recording the band, you were waiting for the band to get up to frame of the film, of the video, and then you cut it on them.
That would be sick if that's what actually happened.
Like, just the banner, just the NYPD ban banner came into frame and they're like, commercials.
I don't know.
I mean, if we can't see commercials on TV, then what are the cops really fighting for?
That's true.
Aren't they there to uphold capitalism in the first place?
Yeah.
Hey, no cops, no commercials.
Think about that, guys.
Jimmy Michael Coppock says, I wouldn't wipe my ass on Macy's.
Yeah, probably a weird move to wipe your ass on a building.
Yeah.
That's probably not a good look.
Yeah, you'd have to like find the corner, I think, of the building, right?
Yeah, that's the only way.
Yeah.
I just, I don't know what this phrase is.
Yeah.
It's kind of like, it's kind of like I wouldn't piss on you to put you out if you're on fire.
Well like, say for instance, you know.
I wouldn't wipe my ass on Macy's if they were on fire.
Like, I wouldn't understand if they were like, I wouldn't wipe my ass with the New York Times.
You know?
That makes some sense.
But to wipe your ass on Macy's is really interesting.
This is off.
Yeah.
It's not like something somebody would do normally when they liked Macy's.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Back when they used to all wipe their ass on Macy's.
Yeah.
I wouldn't put my dick on you if you were on fire.
I think he's like getting it wrong.
There's like a crossed wire in there.
The whole thing is wrong, yeah.
It's so close, but it's just not there.
Yeah.
I wouldn't kiss Mike Bloomberg on the lips if he were dying of gonorrhea.
Yeah, and not even if he wasn't, I still wouldn't do it.
I'd forgotten about this.
French so Frenchy I don't know says they cut off the NYPD but everyone saw a same-sex couple kiss shame on Macy's and I've forgotten about this there was a there was a same-sex couple kiss last year's Macy's Day Parade yeah yeah it was pretty big deal uh Samantha Rummel says yeah
gotta make sure that we all have that shoved down our throats and don't even get the chance to decide when we get to talk to our small children or grandchildren about that quote lifestyle um And there it is, shoved down our throats.
Every time.
Every single time these people see an ounce of homosexuality on TV or in media or whatever, that means it's getting shoved down their throats.
It's getting shoved down their throats, yeah.
Either in their faces, but most commonly it's down their throats.
That's where the homosexuality goes.
We don't deserve that, but... We don't deserve that, but the NYPD deserves to be disrespected when they protect and serve the people of NYC every single day!
Yep.
I like that we don't get to decide when we have the talk with our kids that two women can kiss each other, and that's physically possible.
Before that, kids were like, I think human beings' lips are like magnets, and men and women are different polarities of the magnets, and if they try to kiss each other, then that's physically impossible, and you have to actually tell your children that it's possible.
Yeah, you have to explain it to them, sit them down.
They're going to see it and it's going to blow their minds and they're going to think the laws of physics no longer apply and then you're going to have to calm them down and tell them what's really going on.
What's funny about this thing too is that, as a parent, it's much easier to explain and discuss homosexuality than it is to get her to understand how awful cops are.
It's funny because she kind of knows.
The other day we were at lunch and she says something quietly to me and I thought she said, why do we say please?
And I was like, well, I mean, it's just like nice, you know, it's polite.
And then she goes, no, no, no.
And she comes over around and like whispers in my ear.
She goes, why don't you like police?
That is the most adorable thing I've ever heard.
Yeah.
Cause like she knew, like, it's funny that she just knew that that's not a popular thing to say out loud.
And she knew that daddy was going to get in trouble by the police.
Yeah, exactly.
But at the same time, you know, if like, you know, she's with, you know, one of my, we're around, like, one of my friends, you know, is in a queer relationship, not, doesn't miss a beat, not a thing, not even worth, like, that's just, that's just life.
That's just a good thing.
I just, yeah, not to sidetrack you, but yeah, I don't even know, like, why you would have to explain that to a child unless you had been, spent years telling them that only men and women are allowed to be in love.
Exactly, exactly, yeah.
Yeah.
And the conversation just has to be like, just so you know, that's an option.
That's what you want to do?
Yeah.
That's what you want to do as an option?
That's cool.
Yeah, when you get older, that's an option.
What did you tell your daughter?
Why you hate the cops?
What did you tell her?
I basically tried to explain to her that essentially they're a nuisance.
Um, they don't do anything positive for the community.
Like, I said, just to give it in child terms, I was like, they might get a cat from a tree every once in a while, but they definitely cause more harm and violence and like, they cause more stress to the community than anything.
and I tried to also explain to her that there's nothing that she really will ever need in the world that the community can't provide for her that she thinks the cops can.
And the only time that will ever be a problem is if the cops also get involved in it.
Yeah.
So they're strictly a nuisance.
Pretty good.
And she's kind of getting it.
And the whole thing is like – because she understands things like kids still play cops and robbers.
It's a thing that kids still do.
But she understands that that game sucks and that we don't play that game.
Okay.
So she gets that because she understands, like, oh yeah, nobody wants to be, like, arrested.
That sounds awful because when you explain what arresting is, they kind of get that.
Yeah.
And so she kind of gets it, but it's still strange because the rest of the world is telling them that these are these fucking heroes.
Yeah.
You know?
It was funny, uh, so being in this Blue Lives Matter group is funny because you see things from the cop's perspective, like you see viral moments or different things that you would see normally on the internet but you see like how cops specifically are reacting to it, so it's very interesting.
Because, uh, have you seen like those viral videos of like a cop pretending to arrest a little kid?
Like, you've been speeding in your Hot Wheels motorized vehicle, get out with your hands up or whatever.
And it's like fun?
It's like supposed to be cute or fun and like the kid runs and then he's gotta chase, we got a perp on the run, you know, they're fleeing or whatever.
And this is like, ostensibly it's supposed to be funny and cute or whatever.
But we look at that and we're like, okay, you know, this is horrific.
Like, cops kill children.
It sucks.
Actually, yeah.
And just it's cop-aganda, sort of.
It's meant to, like, make light of that whole situation.
So we're mad at it from that perspective.
But the Blue Lives Matter Facebook group is mad at it because, quote, it's teaching children to run from the police.
Oh my god, that's so funny.
And you wonder why kids are getting shot.
Yeah.
I'm not laughing at kids getting shot, obviously, but to have that spin is just incredible.
We need to teach children that you run to the cops.
You need to make only propaganda that paints cops as Christ-like figures.
I don't want to say lucky, that's the wrong word, but pretty early, when she was It was like a year and a half ago, I got in a car accident with her in the car, and it was very apparent to her even then, that like, they were giving me way, way more of a hard time than they needed to, compared to everyone else involved in the situation.
So I'm able to kind of use that as like a basis for explaining things.
That helps a lot, she kind of understands through that lens.
And then also just like, you know, kind of explaining like, Yeah, no matter what their job is, they still broke your grandpa's arm in four places.
I don't want to say that she's lucky, because that's the wrong word, but it is easy for her to process because the trauma that they put out is tangible to her.
So, we're running a little long today.
We're going to jump into the very last post here, which we got to cover because this shit is really weird.
Yes.
Yes.
So this is an ABC affiliate from Detroit.
So this is WXYZ Channel 7, posting on Facebook.
Doesn't even sound real, but it is real.
It is real.
I liked it because it was easy to say.
I didn't have to think about it too much as I was saying it.
Detroit police are stopping vehicles to pass out free turkeys ahead of Thanksgiving.
All turkeys are donated by officers and their families and are intended to help those struggling during tough times.
And there's an image with a cop car with its lights on pulling over a minivan with cops on both sides of the minivan.
There's no link to an article.
There's no other information about this, uh, supposed charitable project that cops are working on in Detroit.
There's no other images.
There's like, this isn't even like propaganda images of people posing with the cops and their free turkeys.
This is just a cop has pulled over a minivan and this is a picture taken from the parking lot, like 200 feet away from him.
Yeah.
The, this whole concept is so fucking infuriating.
I don't know what, if a cop, if a cop pulls me over to give me a turkey, I'm probably going to die that day.
It's going to end with them like trying to give me a turkey, but then you're going to be like, how, how dare you?
How dare you carnivore?
Yeah, I mean that's definitely part of it, but it's also like, alright motherfuckers, so you think I have nowhere to be right now, and you also think I can't get a turkey.
And you also want to see my ID and registration and insurance for some reason.
Yes, absolutely, for some reason, yeah.
And it's like, and then you're gonna top this off by handing me a carcass?
Which is my favorite word to use on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, you start blaring the Smiths.
I always walk in the room and I'm like, oh, this carcass smells incredible this year.
You did a great job with the carcass.
How do you mask the stench of death so well?
It's incredible.
And then you say, you know who my favorite actor is?
Joaquin Phoenix.
It's why I have this beard.
And then they're going to give you a blank stare.
They're not going to understand what you're saying.
And then you have to tell them that while we were on tour in LA we saw a giant billboard of Joaquin Phoenix wearing a Meet His Murder shirt.
But unfortunately I wouldn't be able to get that far because at some point one of my dumbass cousins would have been all like, How do you think I got this scar?
And started going on a Joker rant.
Oh wow.
But it would have been the wrong Joker.
The wrong Joker.
The better one.
But it still would have been a Joker rant.
And actually I would have mentioned the picture of Joaquin Phoenix in the Animal Liberation Front t-shirt.
That's way cooler than the PETA ad.
Um, yeah, if I was a Joker, I would probably be, uh, let's see here, Paul Walker Joker.
Uh, I would be the Joker where he says, uh, your geyser's a geezer.
I don't know this Joker.
Just a good Joker, I thought.
Oh my god!
Did you just bring it back?
Did you just bring it back?
I just thought, I think that'd be a good Joker.
You're Geyser's a geezer?
You're absolutely right!
We're talking about different kinds of Jokers and Paul Walker's funny guy in that movie.
Funny guy?
He's a funny guy, yeah?
The Deedles?
The Geyser?
I forget that that's like the major plot point of that whole movie as a geyser.
Yeah.
They're trying to save all faithful in that movie.
Um, yeah, where were we here?
Oh yeah, this dumb ass thing that is obviously just like, uh, uh, what do you call it?
Stop and frisk technique?
And, and they're just like, oh no, we're giving out free turkeys, uh, to struggling families that we just, we were just pulling over cars and saying, hey, are you struggling?
Uh, here's a turkey.
And also, um, what's your name and phone number and address?
Yeah, I mean, nobody- Your car looks like shit.
You need a turkey.
Yeah, um, so it's just kind of incredible that- I mean, like, you know, the news does propaganda for cops all the time, but this is like- Yeah.
Some of the more blatant- Like, this is some of the more blatant and lazy propaganda I've seen.
It's so not thought out at all.
Yeah.
Just, hey, there's- There's so many logistics things here, even, like- You're just pulling people over and hoping they're going to a refrigerator.
Terry Rose says, This is a very nice gesture, but I agree with some statements.
They really need to be careful doing this.
Because not everyone they pull over are needy or very trustworthy.
Be careful, because you might give food to somebody who's not trustworthy.
They can't be trusted with food.
Well, I mean, I don't know if you've heard about this, but these people, they take those turkeys and they go sell them again.
They go resell the turkeys.
They resell the turkeys.
You know, I hear these people... You give them a turkey, right?
And you're expecting them to take it home and throw it in the oven.
Cook it like that.
These motherfuckers, they will put it on a... They will barbecue it.
They'll throw it on a barbecue.
The disrespect.
You gotta be careful.
Gotta be careful who you give these turkeys to.
I heard that some people don't even actually make the turkey.
They just use that turkey, because it was free, to make stock.
Just to make turkey stock.
Holy shit.
What the fuck, right?
What the fuck?
I bet they don't even say, I bet they don't even pray over the turkey stock on behalf of cops.
No, no.
But I don't know if you heard about the miraculous story that happened last year when it was Officer Washington pulled over a young ethnic and was going to hand him the turkey.
Before he can even get to the car, the person got out of the car and shot at the officer.
But luckily, the frozen turkey caught the bullet.
Wow.
And saved him.
Thank you turkey, you are my hero.
So that's actually why we eat turkeys on Thanksgiving.
What's the movie where the guy has the turkey over his own head?
And it's funny?
Oh, yeah.
I can picture it.
Yeah, it's really funny.
What if you did that one?
It's the Tom Green movie.
It's Freddy got fingered.
I don't think it's Freddy got fingered.
I know it's not, but it's probably also Freddy got fingered.
It might not be what you're thinking about, but it's probably also a Tom Green skit.
One time I gave a person of color a free turkey, and instead of like honoring and respecting that, they didn't do the bit from Scary Movie 2 where you pretend to fuck the turkey.
Which you have to do.
They absolutely refused to fuck the turkey, which is part of my culture.
It's part of our tradition that we do in my household.
Everyone knows the first step in doing a good dry brine is to fuck the turkey.
You gotta pretend to fuck the turkey is a bit- You gotta pretend to fuck the turkey.
Yeah.
That's the only way to really get the dry brine ready.
And it's entertaining for everybody.
It helps break the ice.
It's a good time.
People enjoy it.
Nothing's funnier than watching a fake turkey fuck.
But yeah, I love this take from Terry Rose.
Hey, you might want to reconsider stopping people in their vehicles and interrogating and walking up to their cars and then just handing them a free turkey as the cops because these people might not deserve it.
Because it's scary for the cops too.
These people might not deserve it.
These people might not have earned their food that day.
These people might not have earned their food that day. - Also, good people aren't poor.
It's true.
So, you know, why do we, if they, if they were, if they were good people, they would have a turkey.
I've seen many a movie when a good person didn't have a turkey and then it ends and the person has a good turkey.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is why you don't give anything to anybody because if they were already a good person, they would already have it and they wouldn't need it.
They already have it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Uh, Nitone Bread, don't know that name, says, why don't people remember the good deeds of the police like this?
I just can't remember the good things.
I don't remember the good deeds of the police like this.
Before we actually go into the details of the shooting where the victim of the shooting had a cell phone in their hands, I would like to actually revisit the day of November 28th.
2016, where the officer handed out six turkeys to who seemed to be broke-ass motherfuckers.
And they handed him the turkeys and they gave him a good holiday.
Also, this is a couple days before Thanksgiving, right?
I think so.
Because like I said, Alex, if I just gave you a turkey right now...
That turkey's not going to get cooked.
No, I wouldn't want it.
It might stay in the freezer.
It's not even staying in the freezer.
It's too big for the freezer.
I don't have room in my freezer for that turkey.
Yeah.
You're going to keep it in the fridge for maybe a day thinking it might do something and then it's going to smell?
You can't just throw a turkey on somebody.
They would have been better off giving out roasted rotisserie chickens.
So, in the new Watchmen series, there's like I don't know, 10 minute long trigger warnings in front of the media that they consume in world, right?
Because this movie is like a liberal dystopia or the TV series is like a liberal dystopia where cops have to ask permission to unholster their guns and things like that.
Yes.
And you know, that's absurd, right?
Oh my God.
Like if liberals were in charge, we'd have to watch 10 minute long trigger warnings before the movies or whatever.
Well, in the real world in which we live, we have to watch like, Constant stream of pro-cop video propaganda before we're allowed to see the one where the cops shot at some guy running away and killed him.
Yeah, yeah.
And yeah, it's just funny.
Why don't people remember the good deeds of the police like this?
We don't have to remember them because they're just in our feeds constantly.
Yeah.
You don't need to remember it.
You don't need to take up any precious memory space because Facebook will do it for you.
Now I know that we're talking about what some are calling a homicide.
I think that is a gross exaggeration.
I would like to show you the YouTube video where he does, in fact, freestyle every... he knows every word of Rapper's Delight.
Do you guys know he knows every word of Rapper's Delight?
Can you actually... can you come do Rapper's Delight for the jury?
This is real rap, too.
It's not any of that mumble rap, you know?
Yeah.
Um, yeah, why, like, I don't know.
It's just, you gave turkey to somebody.
Okay, cool.
Like, cool.
Why doesn't anybody remember the plenty of times that I've helped out other people, you know?
A. Michelle Sands finally says, uh, if they have a car, so he's talking about, like, the people the cops are pulling over.
Uh-huh.
Uh huh.
If they have a car, I'm going to suggest they are not struggling as much as those living on the street.
Just sayin'.
They should go give the homeless raw turkeys.
Um, that's, that's a good point.
Uh, I admire, uh, Michelle's, Mikkel's, you know, I dunno, consideration of the homeless in this.
I would, however, not encourage cops to go talk to the homeless.
No.
I would probably encourage cops to stay away from the homeless, um, and let them, like, live, you know?
Let them exist, thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
God damn it, these people.
They have cars though, so they can't be that... That doesn't work that way.
Yeah, you can't be homeless if you have a car because your car is now your home.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Okay, let's end the episode here.
Hey, thanks so much for listening, folks.
Thanks for contributing to the Patreon.
We really appreciate it.
Thanks for bearing with the shorter episode last week.
We gave you a little longer one this week.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Gave it a little something-something, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, hey, if you want to get at us, same spot as usual, MinionDeathCult on all the social media or MinionDeathCult at gmail.com.
Anything else, Tony?
No, um, enjoy your, uh, I hope you are all enjoying your day of excess gluttony.
Yeah, everybody, I hope you're enjoying your discoverer's day.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Remember that pie is full of hatred.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Just remember that, folks.
Yeah.
Hey, actually, you're listening to this on the 29th, so Merry Christmas.
I'm not, I'm not afraid to say it.
Alright, bye.
Bye.
Hey angel, consider your position.
Friends who be consumed, savory, savory.
Your sympathy.
Hey angel, fly over and bless me.
See you face surprise.
Then I'm all eyes.
And you're all you need to be.
Hey angel, whatever position we consider.
Let's go!
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