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April 22, 2019 - Minion Death Cult
01:24:46
100 - The Granddaughter Experience (The Mule)

Tune in this week to www.Patreon.com/miniondeathult for a full-length bonus episode in our regular format For this episode, we deviate from the course and cover Clint Eastwood's 2018 greatest generation/boomer, under-appreciated dad wish-fulfillment film, "The Mule." Buy the shirt www.miniondeathcult.com  

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The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today, so stay tuned.
We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned guys.
We'll show you exactly what it looks like when people are going to get you.
Follow their environmental stuff.
Stay tuned.
I'm Alexander Edward.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
Pep Pep is going to prison.
The drug cartels are responsible.
We're documenting it.
So, uh, hey.
It's, uh, it's episode 100.
The big centennial episode.
We did it.
We done did it.
All the haters, all the haters can, uh, officially suck it 100 times.
Since it is the 100th episode, we thought maybe we would do something special since I've never observed any sort of milestones in the previous podcast I ran, nor on this podcast.
So today we're doing a special episode.
We're covering a movie!
We are covering a film from last year called The Mule from Clint Eastwood.
And I wanted to give a quick shout out to Jack Sullivan for his description of this movie, which prompted me to watch it, which I probably would not have otherwise done.
So thank you, Jack.
This'll be interesting, it'll be fun, and I swear the content overlaps greatly with our normal purview of Facebook material.
Yeah, it's pretty kindred to what we do.
So before, uh, we get into that, I do want to thank, uh, the Patreon subscribers, uh, in, in less of a rhetorical way and more of a material way, uh, by announcing that we're going to be releasing our first full-length Patreon episode in a while, uh, later this week, probably on Thursday.
Uh, that episode will be the usual format, all the stuff we would have covered on this episode, uh, if today weren't so gosh dang special.
So go to patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash MinionDeathCult and subscribe there.
We've had content every week for the last few weeks, and this week will be no different.
It'll be a full-length episode as a thank you to all our new Patreon subscribers.
So, this movie.
This movie is amazing.
This movie is fantastic.
It is a sort of intersection of greatest generation, boomer, and millennials who think they're boomers pornography.
Yeah, it's an instant classic.
It's beautiful.
Like you said to me before we started recording, Tony, this movie is a wild ride.
It's a very wild ride, but it's also one that obeys all posted signs and speed limits.
Because the real message of this movie, The Mule, written, maybe not written, I don't know, directed and starring Clint Eastwood, The real message of this movie is not about, like, the precarious position of older people or the drug epidemic.
It's not even about the importance of family.
The moral of the story is that actually old people are great drivers.
Yep.
That's exactly what it is.
If you can take away one thing from this movie, it's that, goddammit, we used to know how to drive vehicles in this country.
Perfect record.
Got a perfect record.
Not one, not one mark against him.
Because this film is all about an elderly gentleman who gets recruited into the sort of like upper echelon of drug mules based purely on his driving ability.
His no-nonsense, under the speed limit, no-ticketed driving ability.
And we're just going to kind of go through the plot here, touch on some interesting points, maybe elaborate on how they reflect the mindset of their director and the people who enjoyed this movie.
Yeah, I've definitely never seen projecting like I did in this movie.
This movie is is both like I don't know, it's wish fulfillment for sure.
So the very first line, the very first line by which we are introduced to Clint Eastwood's character is him on his flower farm, his daylily farm, going outside to greet his Hispanic workers.
And the way he greets them is by saying, If you keep driving that taco wagon around, you're going to get deported.
And it was very much like a hee-hee, like very much like a, but I'm busting your balls.
There's a lot of ball busting in this.
Uh, and...
And I thought the phrase taco wagon was interesting, particularly because the man was just driving like a normal car.
Like a nice classic car, too.
I don't know what it was, but it was a classic.
It was like a well-kept, good-looking car.
It was just like a normal-looking car from the 70s, you know?
60s, maybe?
I think he might have been listening to some like Jalisco music or something, but that was really it.
That was the only thing that was like, I don't know, adjacent to taco.
Maybe it's a taco wagon because it's used to transport a brown person.
Oh.
And so, like, the guy was, like, the taco meat inside of the wagon.
Like, I want to wear the Clint Eastwood They Live glasses, where you just, like, put them on, and every brown person is suddenly wearing, like, a bandana and driving a lowrider with airbrushed Chicano murals and, like, La Cucaracha horn blaring.
This was definitely one of the moments that kind of, it starts off with a bang because it's like, I want to get this out of the way.
I am not a racist.
I have plenty of Mexican friends.
Yeah, this is... I have plenty of Mexican workers.
Employees, yeah.
I have plenty of Mexican people who obey me.
How could I be racist?
This movie... Okay, this is like the first, you know, racial slur of the movie, but I feel like it does set this similar tone as he did with Gran Torino, which is like...
You can be racist and still be a good person.
Yep, that's exactly what it was.
That's kind of what this movie is saying.
That's what Gran Torino said.
Like, it's okay to be a little racist.
That's like my, my, I have an uncle who is exactly that in my whole life.
I mean, he used a term that I've only really heard like white people use, like white men use, is a chingadera, which like, I mean, like, yeah, it's, I guess it's kind of a slangy word, but it's white dudes love using that word.
Like, white men who, like, work with Mexican dudes love using chingandere as, like, their thing.
I mean, it is their thing.
And so once he used it, I was like, oh, fuck, that's Uncle Mike right there.
That's exactly that.
That's very much this, um, oh, yeah, no, I got, you know, like, I just kind of rib him all the time by, you know, calling him slurs.
But it's my...
They're my friends, you know?
It's like, no man, they're just scared of you so they don't want to say anything because you might actually get them deported.
Yeah, I give you permission, Tony, to call me Wado whenever you want.
For sure, for sure.
But can I call you Dago?
You can call me Dago, you can call me Guido.
We can call each other Dago.
Yeah.
So, this is where we see our protagonist, Clint Eastwood's character, Earl, taking his car to a flower awards show.
Driving his car to a flower awards show.
And he enters this awards show and passes by a guy who has a table set up describing the internet to the 50-year-old ladies standing around it.
And we get our first boomer post, or our first greatest generation IRL post, which is Earl shaking his head and saying, internet, who needs it?
Mind you, this is 2005.
Yeah.
We didn't need the internet back then.
The internet was in full swing.
It was very much a thing that people were using, even elderly people were on the internet.
They weren't on, you know, Facebook yet, but they had to use the internet for things at this point.
Yeah I mean it is kind of weird because the guy is like marketing flowers online.
It's like flowers.com or something.
Yeah.
But it is weird that the internet would be treated with such scorn and disdain even like you said in 2005 because this is sort of like an introductory scene to a 12 year flash forward.
But yeah, like you said, at this point the internet was a very popular, established medium.
And I'm positive, like, at this point in our modern day, Earl would just be totally online, have a Facebook page, and be advertising daylilies that he had cross-pollinated to have a thin blue line on each petal.
Earl would be master of the internet.
Well it's like, not only that, but his business is like, at that point, he probably uses the internet to purchase things to keep his business going.
Like what?
Well maybe he didn't, I mean like, bulk fertilizer?
I don't know.
That would have taken the movie in a much different direction if he was like, you know, aggrieved at the internet, aggrieved at modern society, and also buying fertilizer in bulk that he was just like packing into an indistinct minivan off to the side.
Okay, so Wal, he's at this flower show, which he of course won.
Oh, he's getting worshipped at.
People are freaking out over his existence.
He is the fucking flower king.
He's a flower pimp.
It was amazing, just getting people swooning all over him.
Earl is the daylily pimp.
He's the best at everything.
He's got swagger for days.
And he wins this flower show or whatever at the same time that his daughter's wedding is happening.
And it sort of cuts to the pre-wedding side room where his daughter, both in the movie and in real life, is complaining to her mother who is Clint Eastwood's character's ex-wife or whatever that Earl is not there.
Wait, that's really his daughter?
That's really his daughter.
Oh wow.
Yeah, she's named like Stephanie Eastwood or something.
That's okay.
Good to know.
And it's funny because this whole conversation Where this is her wedding day.
This is like arguably the biggest day for her for like a couple years, you know, at least.
This whole scene just revolves around Earl, and like, Earl's not there, and she's just like, crying about it, you know?
That this guy, who we learn has been an absentee father, has been an absentee husband.
I mean, he's the kind of guy who literally just has drinks at a bar after the awards show, instead of going to his daughter's wedding.
Yeah.
The part where he buys a round of drinks for a wedding party that's at the bar with him, and you can tell he has a little bit of guilt.
Yeah because he's like hey buy everybody a round of drinks and the bartender's like even the wedding party and he looks over and yeah it's like you know the bride and groom and their friends and stuff and he's all yeah he like takes a second and he's like yeah no that's fine I'll celebrate someone's wedding today.
I think the hesitation actually came because that wedding party was vaguely ethnic.
And yeah, I just think it's funny that all these characters, this is like classic writing.
This is like how you establish that somebody's the protagonist is because Earl is not on screen in this scene with, you know, his daughter and his ex-wife or whatever.
So all the characters have to be saying, where's Earl?
Where is he?
He's the hero of this movie.
How come he's not here right now?
And it helps remind us that he's the most important part of this movie.
What I love about that too is the granddaughter who's like, the granddaughter's like extra concerned too.
She's like, who's gonna give, who's gonna give mommy away?
Yeah.
And it's like, wait, so did he show up to, to the, to the rehearsal?
Did he like, does he have a suit for this?
Like, that's a good, are they actually surprised he didn't show up?
Or was she just hoping last minute that he would show up looking good and ready to walk down the aisle with her?
Maybe he only goes to wedding rehearsals.
Well, no, I don't know, because if he eats anything, he's gonna go to the place with the open bar.
Yeah, well, I just, yeah, she says, the granddaughter says, uh, who's gonna give mommy away?
And then, uh, mommy says, I think I'm gonna be sick, and runs out of the room.
Yeah, like, wait, you've gone- She's a 45 year old woman on her second marriage, and she's just torn to shreds by her dipshit father not being there.
And it's funny, her poor mom is just like, cool, glad I'm not enough.
Stoked that you're still not satisfied with me being here.
Well, the mom, Diane Wiest, is playing the role of embittered ex-wife who is telling the daughter, well, that's just how he is.
I mean, you're frankly kind of dumb for expecting anything more.
And yeah, I just think it's so funny that Clint Eastwood got his own daughter to play a sort of A grieved, spoiled, sort of hysterical, bad daughter?
Like that's, it's kind of like the ultimate cuck.
Like your dad asks you to be in a movie and be like, hey, you're going to be like my main antagonist in this movie.
Okay.
Cause you're like such a little petty piece of shit.
Do you think she really had to like find the character or do you think that Clint Eastwood was also like an absentee dad?
Yeah.
I didn't have that much time to do research.
I really wanted to look at their relationship because I trouble with the curve.
Amy Adams plays his daughter.
And she's also like completely pissed off at him and he was a bad father and that.
So I wonder if there's something there.
I wonder if his daughter's just a real piece of shit you know.
And there's so many other aspects of this movie where it he clearly is like trying to put on the person that he thinks he is.
You know he also might be that we'll get into some of his other qualities later his um he has a certain you know zenish a qua that people are just gravitate towards him and just really love him and uh he just you know it's something to behold yeah and certain people in his life don't appreciate that namely the women uh so we get we get a 12 year flash forward
um where earl's house has gotten foreclosed on the i mean I'm assuming his house and his farm are like the same thing.
Um, he packs up all his stuff and he heads to the granddaughter's wedding rehearsal.
You know, it's her turn.
And this is obviously like a symmetrical or technically asymmetrical scene to the wedding that he missed.
So he's going to be, he's going to the granddaughter's wedding rehearsal in sort of like a last ditch attempt to connect with the family.
She's excited to see him.
You can tell that she's a good granddaughter because not only has she kept every single postcard he sent her for over a decade, but she also has all of them on her fridge.
Yeah, it's kind of wild.
Like, the whole fridge is plastered with these postcards from him because he goes to all these trade shows and it's like that... Wait, did you... they're just there and like your mom and grandma have to like look at them all the time and they're like giving you cool stuff all the time?
Yeah, no, I just... I don't even have that many magnets.
Like, I don't, I can't imagine, it's like her fridge is wallpapered with, you know, welcome to Arizona postcards.
And I think she even has the first postcard memorized.
Like, there's a line where he's like, oh, you kept all my postcards, huh?
And she's like, ever since the first one you gave me when I was nine.
And then she like reads off, you know, wish you were here in Bismarck or whatever.
But yeah, this is what a good grandchild does.
They keep every single one of the cards you sent them, they've learned how to read cursive in order to understand your anecdotes, and then they display them for everyone to see to show that your life has meaning.
This is also the first time that they really kind of show that the writers have no clue what it's like to be under a certain age in this day and age.
So it's a 12 year gap right?
In the in the original scene the daughter is the granddaughter is probably I would say anywhere between like 8 and 10.
So that makes her anywhere between like 20 and I'm going to say just to be like you know like between like 20 and 22.
So she's 20 and 22 and she's getting married and she has a house and just a little spoiler she has not even graduated from from beauty school from beauty school yet.
So she has a house and is getting married and has not even graduated from beauty school yet.
Yeah.
At 22 years old, max.
Well, if you watch Fox News, you'll know that even the poorest people have refrigerators.
So that was on brand.
But yeah, the house is a little questionable.
Then he encounters his daughter and his ex-wife at this wedding rehearsal.
He's walking outside with the good granddaughter.
and uh the bad women show up uh Diane Wiest and his daughter and uh neither of them like they stop dead in their tracks when they see him and uh we get exposition how uh they haven't talked in 12 years since uh the daughter missed the wedding but she's just like as soon as she sees him she says oh i can't be here bye And she like hands the daughter whatever dish she brought to her daughter's wedding rehearsal and leaves.
And then we get more exposition from Dianne Wiest about how he was too busy touring the world with his flowers to have time for his family.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
And his line is something like, I was on the road 60 hours a week to provide for you.
Yeah.
First of all, I don't think there's that many trade shows in the floral game.
Also, you're traveling inefficiently.
Also, what's going on with your farm the entire time you're away traveling?
The whole thing is wild.
Also, you can work 60 hours a week and still have plenty of time for your family.
Yeah yeah absolutely well no no see he's working he's already working probably another 60 hours too but he's on the road for 60 hours in addition to that.
Sacrificed so much.
Sacrificed so much and this is how they treat him.
So also how was he how was he keeping in touch with the granddaughter the entire time?
She reached out to them, like a good grandkid.
That's so weird.
Everything about this is like, the whole thing is so weird and it's like, that would never happen.
He would be asked to leave, for sure.
They're not leaving that thing.
He's leaving that thing.
Well, that's what's so funny is they just voluntarily leave.
Both the mom and the daughter and the ex-wife are just like, no, we can't be here.
Instead of attending their own daughter and granddaughter's wedding rehearsal, they're just like, no, I can't bear the sight of him.
So we're leaving.
Um, and so Earl also leaves.
Kind of like, you know.
Damage is done.
Time to go.
Yeah, but he's followed to the car by a bridesmaid's date who looks at all the bumper stickers on Earl's car and is like, dang, you've been around, huh?
You've seen a lot of stuff which is weird because all the bumper stickers are it's just like one Korean war bumper sticker and then a bunch of like uh lock her up um it's the coexist bumper sticker but done with weapons um there's like a Pepe on there which is weird since he's so anti-internet but that somehow seeped into like his his daily newsletter.
There's one that I saw the other day and identified with for a second and then realized other stickers kind of ruined it that said I'm not a liberal I saw one the other day and I was like, oh yeah, same!
And then I saw the other stickers next to it and I was like, oh, we're talking about different things here.
Yeah, the other one is not as widely produced.
Yeah, and so he says, you know, this guy's like, dang, you've been around, you've seen a lot of stuff.
And then Earl proceeds to tell him all about how good of a driver he is.
And how he's never gotten a ticket, which would seem like sort of clunky exposition if it weren't just 100% accurate that some old guy would totally tell you, a stranger, about his driving record.
If you were like standing within 10 feet of his car.
Not only have I driven a lot, but being as I am a white man, I've also been able to drive without any type of repercussions.
Yeah.
I have a perfect record, no tickets, no infractions.
It's like, okay, well, I was just like helping you with your groceries.
He says it like five different ways too.
Just to really make sure, like, listen, I know that you have some weird intention for me.
I know that you've profiled me in some strange way, but let me really make clear to you.
He's honestly just happy to have somebody talk to him.
He doesn't second guess this at all.
This dude just is like, huh, good driver, huh?
Well, here's my card.
You can call this number if you want to drive for money.
Which is funny because there's plenty of trucks driving by that say you can drive for them all the time.
And that wasn't appealing.
But this swaggerly young man who walks only in a way that gangsters in movies walk.
Nobody actually walks this way.
That and people who have one leg that is much shorter than the other leg walk the way this guy walks in this movie.
Yeah, he's like, he's like, hey, help your granddaughter out or whatever.
Help your granddaughter with the wedding.
So Earl just kind of automatically agrees to do this.
And he has to go to this tire shop to meet his his sort of like handlers to pick up.
And he meets these cartel members at this tire shop.
We're all holding semi-automatic rifles.
They have shaved heads, face tattoos, et cetera.
But like the only thing that seems to strike Earl as odd is that he has to text them at the drop point when he gets there.
And we get, we get our next line, uh, which is the damn internet ruins everything.
Yep.
It's so good.
He's like, texting?
What do you mean texting?
Yeah, two volleys, two shots across the bow at the internet in like the first 25 minutes of this movie.
My favorite part of that movie is how there's so many moments where people just kind of go along with whatever happens that he pulls in and he has his beloved old truck and they're like, okay, where do you want us to cut a compartment in your truck?
We're going to cut a secret compartment in your truck.
And he's like, no one's cutting anything.
So cutting a secret compartment in a truck is going to take a couple hours.
and he's like nope you're not cutting anything and they're like okay cool we're just not gonna cut anything you're gonna throw it in the truck bed and you're gonna take off like they had hours planned for this for a very like punctual thing supposed to be happening but they're like oh fuck it just okay you can go now you're right yeah we're just gonna put it in the back of the of the truck Luckily, on the rear... what is that called?
The back latch?
The tailgate?
I thought I was doing a podcast with another man, but apparently... I'm just a stupid fucking millennial, dude.
I don't know what that shit's called.
It's only funny because I drive a hatchback.
I drive a hatchback, okay?
Yeah, no, but on the tailgate he did have that mural of Obama and Hillary hogtied, which is great camouflage for any state trooper.
But yeah, no, he says, I'm just gonna put it in the back of the truck.
You don't need to cut a compartment in there.
Damn, SA, you loco!
And he's like, that's right.
I'm loco.
Absolutely.
You don't forget that.
I'm bummed that they went with just the whole, oh, we're going to transport a duffel bag in the back of your truck because I really wanted like a Maria Full of Grace moment where a bag of heroin ruptures inside of Clint Eastwood's stomach.
I feel like that would have been cool.
That would have been way better.
But it's just in the back of his... Just keistering kilos?
Yeah.
And so, you know, he goes on his first trip.
He drives normally.
He stops for like a sandwich or something like that.
And he comes outside and there's these two bikers who are trying to get their bike to start.
And he listens to it.
And because he's just like the best at a lot of stuff, including everything, he says, oh, hey, it's your fuel injector.
He says whatever it is, he can just tell by listening to it.
He says, oh, that's your fuel injector, sir, or something like that.
And the bikers look up and they turn out to be like butch lesbians.
And she's like, sir?
And he's like, oh, I'm sorry.
And she's like, we're dykes on bikes.
Yeah, to make it clear.
Yeah.
And then so he goes, OK, yeah, it's the fuel injector.
And they're like, hey, thanks, old man.
And he goes, you're welcome, dykes.
And it's another moment where he's allowed to just say something, but because he's being wholesome and helpful, it's okay that he's using this slur.
Well, it's okay because, I mean, these characters, these fictional characters are the ones who said it first.
Yeah, they started it.
And so then he can say it, never mind that, like, he had a hand in writing the movie and the script was written probably not by a lesbian.
But that's the reason, you know, he can say it because he wrote another character to call themselves that first.
It's a good loophole.
But it's okay, though.
This is, like, the last, like, egregious slur that's gonna be used in the movie.
And there won't be any more.
Yeah, we're done.
So only lesbians and Mexican people are going to be offended in this movie.
And that's it.
The rest is all going to be happy.
So let's continue.
Put away your slur counter.
That part of the movie is done.
If you're playing that drinking game, you're done.
It's fine.
You're going to be sober now.
So after this run, he gets enough money, you know, he gets a lot of money.
He gets enough money to pay for the open bar at his granddaughter's wedding.
And this is like the first instance in an escalating series of thank you for your service moments.
Because he's at the wedding.
The bride, his granddaughter, you know, says, I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone.
You know, thanks, mom.
Hey, you were a mom.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks, grandma.
You were a grandma.
Thank you.
And I especially want to thank my grandfather, Earl, for the open bar.
And he gets a standing ovation from the audience.
And it's pretty amazing.
I like it because it really made the mom and grandma feel like shit.
I like that moment.
I've experienced that moment at a wedding, but they were kind of joking.
They were like, and thanks for the open bar.
We all get to get wasted because of you.
And it's kind of like a funny joke, but she's like genuinely like, like heart, like in it saying, you really made this moment for us.
She raises a glass.
She didn't raise a glass for her mom who raised her or her grandma who probably helped raise her, but she raises a glass for Earl.
If it wasn't for him, she'd be paying for that glass.
Yeah, true.
He's also somehow able to buy a brand new $50,000 Lincoln pickup in addition to funding the open bar based on one drug run.
I love that's the choice of pickup he buys too.
American-made, maybe, you know?
He goes to the VFW, where there was just a fire, and, uh, the guy at the VFW tells him that the insurance company is, like, jerking them around, they're not gonna pay to fix the place up, and they need $25,000, and so Earl decides to take another run.
And, you know, again, not much to talk about, except there is a point where he does get pulled over.
Or he's in the back, he finally looks at the stuff, right?
He finally looks at what he's carrying, because we're somehow supposed to believe that he's just, like, been totally ignorant of what he's carrying, even though the people who put it in the back of his truck had AK-47s.
Well, he's just doing his job.
He's just doing his job, minding his business.
He's a good worker.
You know, if more people would just do their jobs and ask questions, the world would be better.
He's not asking for healthcare or for vacation or anything.
He's just doing the job.
So, this plot point is amazing because he's looking in the back, he sees what it is, and right then a cruiser, a police cruiser, has somehow pulled over behind him and he didn't notice it at all until the cop was right behind him.
You know, are you okay?
Is everything okay?
And he's just like, oh yeah, it's fine, I just got these pecans and I'm transporting pecans or whatever.
And then he makes a joke about his daughter's horrible cooking.
And the cop's like, OK, you know, have a good day.
But the cop also has a dog in the back of his cruiser.
And this dog's going crazy.
This dog is like, let me at him.
Let me sniff some of that Coke I know you got.
And the officer just thinks the dog has to piss.
So he lets the dog out.
And then the dog comes over.
And so Earl has to think fast.
So he goes into the cab of his truck where there is a tube of Bengay in one of the cup holders just open smears a bunch of the Bengay in his hand and then goes over Like he's gonna pet the dog and just shoves this glob of Bengay into the dog's nose which should be so irritating and awful for that poor dog and Also, the cop would have been like what the fuck man?
What?
Why do you smell like Bengay?
But my favorite part about this whole scene is that there would have been nothing suspicious about him just closing the bed of his truck.
Yeah, exactly.
He could have just closed the tailgate, put the top down, and like, he's the kind of guy who knows his rights.
He knows that if your truck bed's locked, they need a warrant.
He's the kind of guy that knows this.
At least Real Clean Eastwood does.
I don't know about Earl.
But like, there would have been nothing weird about that.
And because he's white, they do need a warrant.
Yeah, exactly.
He does this elaborate thing where he tries to, like, trick the dog, which, by the way, canine does not mean drug sniffing.
Like, canine mostly means, like, chasing and mauling.
Good point.
Excellent point.
I just, I love this sort of, like, greatest generation MacGyver thing we have here.
Like, he's, like, looking around at what's in his truck and he's all, aha!
I see hot.
I'm picturing him grabbing a Viagra from his glove compartment and giving it to the dog so the dog gets all horny instead of sniffing the car.
Starts humping the officer's leg or something.
That would have been good.
The cop knew because he was embarrassed.
Or like, maybe he like goes into his lunch pail and gives his banana and mayonnaise sandwich to the cop.
And the cop gets distracted by how tasty this old-timey treat is, you know?
It's like, wow, people don't enjoy banana mayo sandwiches anymore.
This is really good.
I don't know what my generation is thinking.
And then he goes about his day, you know?
You know, the secret to a good mayo banana sandwich, or as I call them, a mayo-ana sandwich, is you gotta use Wonder Bread.
If you don't use Wonder Bread, it just doesn't have the flavor.
These whole grains, these people use these days, I like to keep my grains separate.
I don't need multi-grain.
I'm sick of this multi-grain society we're being forced on.
He helps out the VFW.
He successfully completes the run.
There's a lot of successful runs.
There's only one run that's not successful at the end.
He completes the run, he fixes up the VFW and they like throw a party for him basically.
Uh-huh.
And at this party they have a literal thank you for your service polka band play.
Playing the most amazing song.
And I'll plug a clip of the song in right here.
Right here.
Thank you.
All my friends, I say thank you.
It's not often that you hear a lot of thanks for those who age.
And you remember those who won't return.
It's our patriotic duty to honor those who serve.
And give to you the praise that you deserve.
I love this.
It's like, such a good grift, this Thank You Polka band.
Like, just getting paid to say thank you to somebody.
It's beautiful.
So this is a real band, by the way.
Yeah, they get a credit in the movie.
Yeah, it's Molly B and her squeeze box or something, because she plays the accordion.
And I just picture Molly B having the same epiphany that Jeff Ross had in that Dangerous World of Comedy series.
Like, Jeff Ross noted insult comedian, roast comedian, who just tells jokes about, like, how gay people like fuck each other in the ass and stuff like that and then he he wants to uh rectify that by contributing to the iraq war cause and so starts doing like uh what are those called our uh uso shows There you go.
Yeah, he starts doing USO shows because he's like, oh, you know, I've taken so much from this country, it's time to give back.
And I just picture Molly B having the same, like, God, I've been playing polka for the wrong reasons this whole time.
I just, I need to, I need to write a song thanking the troops and get paid for it pretty well.
Well, little backstory is that she actually used to be in Dropkick Murphy's.
And uh, that's where a lot of the guilt resides from.
Um, I just, but I, I love this grift, like this thank you grift.
It's like, it's like paying for the girlfriend experience, uh, but instead it's the granddaughter experience, where like the woman just like ballroom dances with you and like tell you how grateful the country is for your sacrifices.
And this is also the second time that we see like really nice looking women dancing with Earl.
By the way, he's so fucking old in this movie.
He looks like a corpse.
He moves so slowly.
He does the weird old arm thing.
They're always shrugging.
For some reason, these women gravitate to him.
What's his charisma?
At this point, they're just dancing with him.
This whole, like, thank you thing, though, is, like, really just a metaphor for this entire movie.
Like, this movie is the granddaughter experience for dads who had full-time jobs.
Yep.
This movie's just one big, like, your family doesn't appreciate it, but we do movie.
We get it.
And Earl at this VFW party gets a triple standing ovation at the end of the band performance from the vets themselves.
Yeah.
He gets thanked for his service from the veterans.
But he's also a vet, so it's okay.
No, well he's above them.
He's among them and above them.
Dang.
So the first round of thank yous he got was from the attendees of his granddaughter's wedding.
So that's pretty cool.
There's still a room full of people applauding you.
This higher tier of thank you comes from the troops themselves.
So that's the second in this series of applauses our main character gets.
So the son of the drug, he's not the son, he's like the adopted son of the drug cartel kingpin played by Andy Garcia, which is a little weird because I always think of Andy Garcia as being Italian ever since The Godfather 3, so it's weird to see him playing a Mexican in this movie.
But Earl has become Andy Garcia's favorite drug mill.
You know, no-nonsense, gets the job done, drives from point A to point B, nobody suspects him, he's an old white guy, he's got a perfect record, etc, etc.
Andy Garcia's playing this character just as like a good-natured, sort of like fun-loving cartel guy who likes to skeet shoot with a golden shotgun.
Yep, yeah.
And his protege, his adopted son, who's like, you know, supposed to be 25 or something, doesn't trust Earl, doesn't trust this gringo, and is sort of badgering Andy Garcia's character about it.
And Andy Garcia, you know, says, no, he's part of it.
He's the best mule we've had.
You need to go make sure everything goes smoothly for Earl, basically.
So this guy enters the scene, not sympathetic towards Earl, and sort of hijacks the current operation that Earl and the people that he's dealing with directly at the tire shop have had in place.
And these guys at the tire shop fucking love him at this point.
At one point, the first scene, he's in and out of the tire shop in 45 seconds.
I'm assuming that at no point does this exchange ever go past 5 minutes.
He's done 8 runs, so he's hung out with them for maybe 30 minutes altogether.
And at this point he's like, how's your nephew?
Yeah.
And he's like, oh, thank you.
Uh, very good.
Thank you for asking.
Thanks for asking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the other guy's like teaching him how to text on a cell phone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so, uh, this new character's job, I think his name's Julio.
I think so, yeah.
The cartel protégé.
Julio is like, no time for chit-chat.
He's not your friend.
He's just some old white guy.
His life doesn't matter.
He has no meaning left.
He is going to start following Earl to make sure he doesn't deviate from the plan or whatever like that.
And so they've wiretapped his car.
They've wiretapped Earl's car so they can listen in to what he's saying, I guess, which is a weird move.
Like, it's not like a location tracker.
It's just a bug, an audio, a microphone that they've put in his car.
So that they can listen in.
And all they're hearing is the music that Earl is like listening to and singing along to as he cruises along at 55 miles an hour.
And at one point he's listening to How Lucky Could One Guy Be, the Ain't That a Kick in the Head song by Dean Martin.
And like, these Mexican guys, listening in, just have to start singing along.
Because Dean Martin is that good.
And like, even these dudes who work for the cartel, who are like, you know, probably partying every night, listening to fucking their Beep Boop music or whatever.
Even they have to admit, even they have to respond to real music when they hear it.
Yeah, everyone has to.
And I love it because they're singing like the second verse of that song.
Not only do they know the chorus and the first verse, they know the second verse of that song, which I have never heard in my life.
What's crazy too is like, he listens to music the whole time.
He's always kind of singing along with it.
And he's often not singing like exactly with the song.
He's kind of doing his own thing that we all kind of do.
But there's one song he listens to, is that it?
It's a really awful song where he's being really shitty.
Yeah.
It's not that song.
It's like calling somebody ugly and like awful.
It's another song.
It's another song where he's like, he's like made up his own racist version of the lyrics.
Yeah.
It's like about, about like a Mexican prostitute or something.
Yeah.
And the guy, these cartel guys are just cracking up.
Just loving it.
I think, I think that this movie has a good idea.
I think we should start some sort of like social movement or like maybe a tech upstart.
You know, maybe there could be a Silicon Valley company that, you know, does some good for a change.
And what we do is we wire every old timer's car with a microphone and then have a Spotify playlist full of wisdom.
Full of wisdom that young people are forced to listen to.
You know, maybe do like some sort of collaboration with Uber or something and just get, you know, just some real music in these kids' heads.
Or some real stories about the Korean War.
Do some good.
Drop some real knowledge.
Some actual knowledge.
So, uh, on this same run, uh, Earl sees, I think it's, uh, I think it's a Prius pulled over.
It is a Prius, yeah.
Sees a Prius pulled over to the side of the road, uh, the passenger's obviously in distress, uh, and they have a flat tire.
And, you know, Earl is like, He's gonna he's gonna help these folks out or he's wondering if he can't help these folks out and he's and he says to the man he says Didn't your daddy teach you how to change a tire?
and we I guess we have to note that this man is african-american this family is african-american and Didn't your daddy teach you how to change a tire and the man says no, that's why I'm googling it and Yep.
And it's, I'm, I'm almost positive that Clint Eastwood gave him a line read because the guy was like, probably like, no, I'm Googling it.
And East was like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You have to enunciate the word Google because otherwise people aren't going to know what you're saying.
You have to be, you have to like picture air quotes around the word Google.
So, so the audience gets it because he says what you're talking about.
He says it, no, that's why I'm Googling it.
Perfect.
Great read.
Before we even get into the next hot part of this thing, my favorite thing about this, he walks up to the car, right?
And the dad figure is on kind of like a hill trying to get reception, you know, with his phone.
Does not even acknowledge this strange man walking up to his wife and daughter.
Like, does not even turn around to, like, acknowledge some random weirdos walking up to his wife and daughter.
Because I would freak the fuck out.
I'd be like, hey, how you doing?
How's it going?
Can I help you?
Well, they cut the part where as Clint Eastwood was approaching the car, he was yelling out how he has a perfect record and he doesn't have any infractions or tickets on his record.
And so that put the father at ease, I think.
But yeah, so the guy says, no, that's why I'm Googling it.
But I can't get reception or whatever.
So Clint Eastwood comes back with, that's the problem with your generation.
Can't open a fruit box without calling the internet.
Yep.
The whole thing.
We were like, fruit box?
What?
Like just a box with fruit in it?
Is that a specific thing or is that exactly what we're thinking?
Listen, I was trying to open this box but then I saw that it didn't have Amazon Prime on the side of it and I didn't know what to do.
Clint Eastwood is just picturing somebody saying, like, Siri, open Fruitbox.
Wikihow.
Give me a Wikihow slideshow of how to open this fruit box and then maybe we'll talk.
Yeah.
Can't open a fruit box without calling the internet.
Calling the internet.
That's some good shit right there.
What is the internet's number?
It's, yeah, it's www.one.com.
Then, Clint Eastwood, do you want to say this line, or do I have to say this line?
I don't remember exactly how he says it, but he's, so he's helping them out and he says like, basically along the lines of, oh yeah, it's nice to be able to help some Negroes out.
Yeah.
He says Negro family.
Nice people helping Negro family out.
Yeah, the line I have him saying is, this is good, helping you Negro folks out.
Yeah, there you go.
This is good helping you Negro folks out.
He's patting himself on the back for helping out black people.
And by the way, they do acknowledge that this is 2017 in the movie.
Okay.
So he is well aware that he, like, this is, I guess it is kind of crazy that he's like, well, it is really, it's good to help you out after you guys did so much for us with Obama and everything.
Yeah.
All right.
It's, it's that, it's that thing, you know, it's, hey, it's 2017, you know, stop calling us Negroes or whatever, but it's, it's more like, I can't believe in 2017 Clint Eastwood's still alive.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's more of the thing that I would say after this.
And so they're very much like, we don't say that anymore.
No one says that.
Uh, that we prefer black.
Yeah.
Or just people.
Or just people.
And it's so good because once again, they're in the situation where like, they probably would like to get angry, but they're kind of in a position where they do need his help.
Sure.
And, uh, yeah, he's probably got a gun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, um, yeah, I just, it's, it's funny because they correct him and he takes it well.
He just says, Oh, okay.
And I was thinking about this and He's been calling people slurs.
We get a scene right after this where he uses another Mexican slur.
He obviously thinks racism is funny.
That's a charitable explanation of what he's doing throughout this movie.
So I imagine if somebody was like, hey, don't call me, you know, don't say my car is a taco wagon, please.
Like he would say, you know, suck it up snowflake or whatever.
Like, you know, you should hear what they called me in Korea.
Like that sort of thing.
Like he would do that sort of thing, but he takes this interaction well.
And I, and I think it's just because he was like already trying to be respectful by using the word Negro.
Yeah.
He thought he was doing the right thing there.
So he learned that the respectful term is not that word.
Um, but yeah, if he had called them like, you know, some other slur because he thought it was funny and they'd been like, Hey, don't call us that.
He would have been like, you know, the fuck you triggered.
Eh.
Well, he has successfully, uh, managed to avoid all Negroes since the sixties.
So he was like, Oh, this is a, this is a learning moment.
Okay.
things have changed um okay so uh do do do so the next scene is is he stops for food for the best barbecue brisket in the country uh with his two cartel handlers and uh he calls them them beaners uh he like tries to make but hold on He's also self-aware.
He says, well, a couple of beaners in a bowl full of crackers.
Because there is only white people in this restaurant.
This is a barbecue restaurant in the Midwest where there is only white people.
Yeah, and everybody at the restaurant is already looking at the two Hispanic gentlemen there.
The term beaner is so, like, funny that, like, that's like an insult.
Like, ah, you eat beans.
Yeah.
I don't know of any other slur in America that just, like, oh, get these Dago pasta faces out of here, you know?
Like, I don't... It's such a weird... I mean, even when we do it to Asian culture, we only refer to the cars that way.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Anyway, I just thought that that was a cool moment, a funny moment.
So they stop at a hotel where Clint Eastwood has his door open and the cartel members are like looking down at his room through the door and he's just dancing with like a 25 year old blonde supermodel And then another brunette, you know, woman in skimpy clothing comes and joins them and they're just all like slow dancing together in his hotel room until he shuts the door.
The thing about this moment is they insinuate, because they do leave the next morning, that he has a threesome.
Oh yeah, it's a definite threesome.
And they make it seem like it is just because he's so charming and so sexy.
But I do think the only way this is possible is if those are sex workers because he has a lot of cash now.
Yeah, that's never set up.
It's never set up how he meets these women.
They just have to be working women.
But in the movie, they try to make it seem like he's familiar with this town.
People know him.
They're just coming through and he's just... Because the handlers are kind of flabbergasted by this whole thing.
They're like, how is this happening?
What is this about?
And so it is, this is just from his charm.
Just his old man charm.
It's really what the scene is played like.
Yeah, it's really fucking gross.
And this is Clint Eastwood trying to, you know, I guess... Listen, old men are sexy still.
Yeah.
We're so sexy.
The most unbelievable part of this isn't even that like he's somehow enchanted these two women into having sex with him.
Like the most unbelievable part of this is just the fact that he's 88 and would even want to have a threesome.
Yeah, I mean it sounds exhausting now at 32 years old, so I don't even know at 88.
Maybe, I don't know, uh, shit.
Is that like, is that how you try, is that how you try to go out?
Is this like a suicide attempt?
Hmm.
This is on his bucket list, basically.
Yeah.
He gets invited to meet Andy Garcia, goes to Mexico, and has another threesome.
Another threesome.
So, uh, now we know it's just his thing.
Now we know he, he just, he, that's what he does.
He just has some threesomes.
This is the first time we see some sweet, sweet bare chest.
And I'm not talking about that sexy lady.
I'm talking about Clint Eastwood with no shirt on with his weird body.
It looks like the little guys from Men in Black.
His weird insect body.
I think I figured out why he only has threesomes.
It's so he can have two people help him to the bedroom.
It's so that one of them can move him for the other one.
Yeah, and while he's at this party that Andy Garcia has thrown for him, which we get like at least five butt close-ups of like these dancing ladies.
My favorite moment in this scene is when they walk up to the bar and there's twins working.
There's twins working and he goes, I'll have a double.
He doesn't... it's obviously just a joke about how he wants twins.
Twins!
And they just turn around and give him a drink.
And they just turn around, grab something, and just turn back around and whatever the double is ready for him.
Yeah.
It's just like, what the fuck?
Beautiful.
This is good writing.
It's funny.
As a bartender, if someone asked me for a double, I'd just be so fucking annoyed.
Go on, double what?
Double what on what?
What the fuck do you want?
Can I get a double of my pleasure, please?
Or what I would do is I would just pour him the worst whiskey possible.
Disgusting, gross whiskey.
Here you go, here's a double.
I mean, being a real man, he wouldn't complain about the lack of fanciness of his whiskey.
He'd be happy to drink granddad's.
Um, yeah, so he talks to Julio at this party, just goes up to him and says, Hey, you need to get a real job.
Nobody here cares about you.
Um, and then Julio says like, what are you talking about?
This is my family.
Like this, these people like are my family.
I was raised by them.
They took me off the streets, et cetera.
And you think that like, Earl is going to learn a lesson about the importance of family you know because ostensibly we've been led to believe that he like you know wasn't there for his family and and cared about work too much or whatever but no no it just turns out that Earl was right and that the cartel uh didn't care about Julio because pretty much one of the next scenes
Shows Andy Garcia skeet shooting again and he nails the shots and then he literally says, aplauso por favor, please clap.
Please clap.
He does the please clap to his henchmen that are standing around and then he gets shot in the back and killed, assassinated.
And so the cartel is under new management.
They're under the management of the guy who played Step in the movie Extract.
The guy who got, you know, one of his balls knocked off in that movie.
Shout out to anybody who knows what the fuck you're talking about.
He's playing a Mexican in this movie.
And he's gonna be much more hardcore than Andy Garcia.
Puts Julio to heel, and then they threaten Earl with another cartel member's dead body.
Has to follow the plan, no more deviations from the route, etc.
This is gonna be you.
And Julio tells Earl, I'm not your mijo.
And so you know it's serious.
They go to a hotel room to stay the night and Earl comes up on a bodybuilder who's like banging on the ice machine trying to get it to work.
Not doing anything functioning at all.
Just hitting it.
Just hitting it over and over again.
Just smashing the side of it repeatedly.
And Earl says, it might work a lot better if you got that damn phone out of your hand.
Because the dude is browsing the internet with one hand while smashing the side of the ice machine with the other.
Which we've all done.
Yeah.
Just like scrolling through my Facebook feed while I bash this appliance.
and uh the guy's a bodybuilder so he like gets in Earl's face about it Earl's like okay never mind walks away and then uh we start seeing Bradley Cooper's character who's trying to crack down on this smuggling operation knows that there's some legendary mule who's bringing in a ton of drugs to Chicago
They've been kind of tailing Earl, not knowing exactly who he is, but they have also wound up at this motel, and they think this bodybuilder guy might be the mule because they spot a gun in his waistband, and so they take him down.
Earl sees this happen.
The next morning, he has a encounter with Bradley Cooper at the Waffle House.
He sits next to Bradley Cooper, knowing that Bradley Cooper is kind of hot on his trail.
And still decides to start talking to him and dispenses wisdom about having to be there for your family and how Bradley Cooper is missing an anniversary because he's working too much, etc.
Don't be like me.
Savor the small things, etc.
That's about it.
But what's wild about that is like you, we didn't realize that like this mule was that successful, but he's so successful in cutting so much damage that they had to call in the American sniper himself.
Back from the dead, even.
Back from the dead.
Chris Kyle came back to life just to get Eastwood.
Which is crazy because, I mean, that's when you knew it was bullshit because that was definitely not the first anniversary that American Sniper missed.
He missed a couple while he was dead.
Um, so Earl is under this new management.
He's, he's also being observed or, you know, sort of the, uh, FBI or it's not, I don't know.
It's the DEA.
The DEA is like closing in on him.
Uh, but he gets a call from his granddaughter that grandma's sick.
Grandma's... which we kind of knew because earlier in there during the cosmetology school she like winces and is like oh oh pain and it's like oh and you knew right then uh-oh grandma's dead and it's there there's so much bad acting in this fucking movie it's so crazy like it's there's so much terrible
overacting and like then also the opposite that oh man that we all knew she was gonna get sick so yeah yeah no surprise here grandma's dying he gets the call grandma's sick she's got the big c which stands for communism uh and she's dying of it and earl's like i can't go i gotta do this run they're gonna you know he doesn't tell his granddaughter this but he knows like the cartel is gonna kill him if he deviates from his root, but he decides to go anyway.
He decides to go anyway, make up for this lost time with his family, and Diane Wiest gives a deathbed confession to Clint Eastwood's character that he is, quote, the king of her world.
Yep.
So he was totally absent for 12 years, uh, wasn't part of the family, you know, uh, wasn't there for his daughter, wasn't there for his wife.
Uh, and suddenly he's the king of her world.
She has to finally admit how much he did for them.
She has to finally acknowledge, she's been trying to suppress it.
That's why she's been so mad.
She's been so mad at Earl, not for what he's done, but for her own sort of like,
inferior status next to him the king of her world and this is it this movie reminded me a lot of the room in a few different ways but this way in particular because this is so Tommy Wusso like the applause lines like the repeated applause that he gets throughout the movie is very much like
You know, the birthday party singing for he's a jolly good fellow to Tommy Wiseau.
Saying that he is the king of her world after them being estranged for 12 years and her longer than 12 years.
and for her hating him and then to suddenly say he's is very much like Lisa's character in the room who has been sort of conniving against Tommy been like you know a uh a sort of what do you call it like a paper-thin pastiche of an evil woman toward Tommy Wiseau's character Johnny in that movie and then suddenly she's like defending Johnny to her mother and and talking about how
Well actually, that's our neighbor Denny.
Johnny took him under his wing and he pays for him to get an education.
I told you mom, he's a very kind man and he cares about everybody and loves everybody.
It's that bizarre turn in what would otherwise be an antagonistic character just to show how great the protagonist is.
Just like The Room, The Mule is actually a tale of how debilitating codependency can be, and how important seeking therapy is.
Just like The Room, the mother gets cancer, but she dies this time.
So yeah, as she's dying, The biggest part of this movie happens, the most important part of this movie happens, which the daughter forgives him, the mother forgives him, and our grandpa is invited back to Thanksgiving.
What's fucking wild about this part, the most impressive part of this movie is, so he's the flower guy.
He manages to get flowers for every event.
Somehow he got flowers for the funeral.
Somehow, they were like, oh, the flowers are beautiful.
Of course the flowers are beautiful.
And it's insinuating that not only did he get the flowers, but they were his flowers that he grew.
You just can't stop a man from growing his flowers.
So he's there for a while, like a week or something, right?
He's there for a while.
And the cartel, the advance cartel and the DEA never thought to look in the same neighborhood as his farm or where his ex-wife is.
Yeah, I don't know how much they know about him.
I don't think they know very much about him.
Well, no, the guy has the connection.
The guy knows who he is.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
They know exactly where he is.
That guy was probably at the fucking funeral.
I just love that this deadbeat piece of shit dad finally got invited back to a family function.
All the dads paying alimony and child support in the movie theater just fucking standing up and hooting and clapping.
Yeah so uh he he finally shows back up on radar for the uh for the cartel you know they catch him and they're like what the fuck are you doing and like the uh the what do you call it the program for the funeral falls out of his pocket and he's like uh my wife died i was at the funeral and they're like you know basically threatening to kill him and he this one line actually made me like his character because he's like
He's like, no, I understood that, uh, that I, that I deviated from the plan.
And so, you know, do what you got to do.
No hard feelings.
Yep.
Like, I like that.
He was like, cause he, you know, he's taking responsibility for his actions and he's just like, no, it was worth it to die to, to go visit my wife, basically.
So part of this movie too, is this whole like, um, There's a bit of propaganda, you know, about how, like, ruthless and how awful the cartel is and how dangerous Mexico is, right?
And there's ruthless drug smugglers, gangsters, cartel, but they're like, oh, no, he's a spillsaw, he's, I understand, like, your wife died.
And it's funny, it's his ex-wife?
Yeah.
And, like, I don't know, I know plenty of people who, like, if their ex-wives died, they'd be like, eh.
Wait, you mean you didn't show up to work because your ex died?
Fuckin' 20 years?
You didn't show up to work for that?
They're definitely gonna kill him.
They would definitely kill him right then and there.
There would be no talk.
There would just be death.
I like it because there's an attempt to humanize some of the cartel members by being like, you know, that's his family.
But then the head of the cartel is like, I don't give a fuck, kill him.
So no, we're right back to animals.
They're just animals.
They don't care.
At this point, Bradley Cooper is basically listening in on the conversation.
He knows where they are.
So they finally catch him driving.
They catch the truck.
They stop the truck.
They arrest Earl.
Earl says, you know, I was at a funeral.
My ex-wife died or whatever.
And Bradley Cooper is like, all right, you know, hang in there.
Yeah.
And that's all the words he has for the person responsible for bringing in millions and hundreds of millions of dollars of cocaine.
Because he's, you know, he was respectful.
He obeyed orders, you know, and that's all they asked.
He was like, I can't believe it was you.
It was you the whole time?
Wow.
Right right under my nose.
So um you know he's in court for this this trial and showing everyone how a real man does crime, Clint Eastwood stands up and pleads guilty to all charges.
In the middle of his lawyers, like, amazing, which I was getting furious when this was happening, because she's talking about, she says, like, he fought for our freedom, and here he is fighting for his own.
Like, his lawyer was fucking crushing, his lawyer was gonna get him off.
She was like, look at this old white vet, like, don't, don't, you don't gotta do anything to this guy, this guy's old and a vet, like, we gotta just let him go.
And he's like, he doesn't even, he doesn't even, saying, he just goes, guilty.
Yeah, he just says guilty.
And they're all, what?
Guilty.
See, I never thought I would see an honest criminal.
You know, and he's just hearkening back to the days when criminals had class.
You know, this is it's it's just that this meme that meme like remember when gangsters were gentlemen, and it's like a picture of Al Capone in a trench coat.
Remember when they dressed nice?
This is how a real man deals with his problems.
He mans up and faces the consequences of his actions.
And it's just funny because I looked up... This is based on a true story.
And I looked up what happened to the original guy.
And the original guy also didn't cooperate with the DEA.
He didn't, like, nark on anybody.
He also pled guilty, and he also only got three years in prison.
Fuck.
He only got sentenced to three years.
It didn't say how long he actually served.
He went in, high-fived some people, and left.
Yeah, so transporting hundreds of millions of dollars of cocaine across state lines, including from Mexico, I think, in the actual story.
Earl didn't do that in this movie.
I think the only time he went to Mexico was to meet Andy Garcia.
But yeah, no, just three years.
You know, this is clearly an honorable man.
Earlier in the film, Bradley Cooper's character is interrogating someone, they want to get to become a rat, and he says, lists his things, you know, you have all these drugs, you have all these weapons, that's at least three life sentences back-to-back.
Yeah.
And I remember being like, what?
Yeah, they would do multiple life sentences for drug charges.
It was like drug charges and tax evasion and guns.
And yeah, yeah, multiple lifetime charges for sure.
But yeah, of course, His character is going to get some like, and it ends with him, this cushy wonderful thing where he's like still planting flowers.
Yeah.
So he gets to garden in prison.
He gets a day lily garden in prison.
Cause you know the Midwest is just notorious for their really nice prisons where like prisoners get to do like activities that they love.
Um, so at the, at the courthouse still, uh, the tearful daughter who loves him now is hugging him and saying, we'll come visit you every chance we get.
At least we'll always know where you are.
Which is a really tragic line.
And like boomers in the theater audience are like sobbing and they're, they're looking over at their 80 year old father.
Who's just nodding solemnly.
The sad thing is, like, that 80-year-old father doesn't know where he's at.
This whole movie is just that, like, childhood fantasy.
It's that childlike fantasy where you imagine, you fantasize about yourself dying from eating broccoli after your parents made you, like, just to shame them, you know?
It's that, but for dads and their ungrateful daughters and ex-wives.
Yep.
It's like, well, I went to prison.
Maybe now you'll love me.
Dang.
Yeah, I'm in kind of like some like hot water because, you know, once again, because I don't, I don't, we're recording this on Easter.
I don't celebrate Easter like at all.
I like don't even do anything.
I do a bunch of other things, but I don't celebrate at all.
I don't celebrate Easter, but I do celebrate Good Friday because like that's when Jesus died.
And I think that's cool and funny.
So I think it's, it was super metal too.
It is a good Friday, but I don't celebrate the resurrection.
That part depresses me.
That part, it's kind of lame.
It's like a bullshit happy ending.
But I'm in kind of some hot water for not going to Easter again.
I never do, I never have, and I don't plan on it.
So I'm just gonna send them all this movie.
And be like, listen, I had to record a podcast.
I had to work.
One day you'll appreciate what I do to support this family through podcasting.
Yeah, that's it for the movie.
This movie is wish fulfillment for greatest generation boomers who think they're the greatest generation and millennials who think they're boomers.
Also, this movie could have been a half hour long and just still been the same movie, but they insisted on making it two hours.
And it was boring as fuck.
Yeah, I thought it was a decent movie.
It's got these outlandish fantasies sprinkled throughout it.
They really made it a fun watch, but a lot of it is just scenic views of Clint Eastwood driving his pickup truck.
Remember when criminals drove pickup trucks?
Remember when criminals would use their money to buy a new American-made car instead of spending it on spinners and shit?
No, I thought the Lincoln truck was such a gaudy choice.
A John Gaudy choice.
Like, the only people I knew that had, like, Lincoln trucks were, like, Montel Jordan.
That's just how we do it.
That's really all I could think of.
Okay, so I think we have some time, a little bit of time, to go over just two Facebook comments from the Mule Facebook page.
Sticking to the format of this show, Sandy GWC says, I laugh seeing the 20 to 40 year olds saying it bored them.
So that's you, Tony.
Yep.
I guess the special effects slash only one page of dialogue folks are spoiled.
They don't know what a movie is that actually has a hundred pages of dialogue and no special effects.
Unless it has a video game tie-in, they don't know what to do and fall asleep.
I gave it 8 out of 10 stars.
Not even like a glowing review, necessarily.
She's just mad, and it probably wouldn't have been, like, the 7th and 8th star are purely spite.
Yeah.
It's funny, because, like, Graham Torino was a bit more, um, gritty, and like, I mean, a little rough around the edges and kind of harsh, you know?
And there was some rough moments in it where I think there was only one gunshot in this movie?
Yeah.
Like, death shot.
And that was when Andy Garcia got killed.
And so that was kind of interesting and I kind of respect, I guess, taking that route.
As opposed to his other movies where everyone dies.
I really would have liked if like the ending of this movie somehow like him being off the internet saved the day at the end of this movie you know like like he had a he had a fucking entire phone book in his breast pocket and it stopped the bullet or or just like Bradley Cooper's trying to find him but like he can't because he has an internet presence
Or like maybe he's talking to the new head cartel guy and he finally learned how to text and he texts the DEA the location and then he's like he like shows the phone to to the new cartel guy and he's all here's your bitmoji you goddamn son of a bitch That was a weird moment in the movie, right?
When the guy gives him the wrong address, apparently?
Yeah, I don't understand what that was.
I thought that was going to unravel some amazing little subplot where he was getting set up, but I don't know.
There were so many weird moments in that movie that just didn't add up and just didn't contribute to the movie.
Sandy GWC again says somebody was like, I don't know, your generation sucks or something to Sandy G. And she says, nope, just not overstimulated like your generation to where it will take a bomb to move us.
Casablanca didn't have action either.
No special effects.
Hitchcock didn't use special effects either.
What?
Which is an amazing statement seeing how there's like special effects named after Hitchcock movies.
Yeah.
He's like the godfather of special effects.
He's the reason special effects exist.
There's a special effect called the vertigo shot that he invented pretty much in the movie Vertigo.
I just thought that was funny.
And then she... Did you have something?
No.
She goes on to say, books don't have special effects as far as I know.
That's not true.
Every time I open up a book, I'm transported to somewhere else and a rainbow comes out of the pages.
She clearly hasn't watched The Santa Clause in a while because, what's his name there, Scott Calvin had a brilliant idea for a comic book with special effects.
Do you remember that?
It was like you could make the superhero do what you wanted by pushing buttons or something.
Like you could make him hump a sofa or something.
And that's where the iPad came from.
Books don't have special effects as far as I know.
Maybe those with ADHD do better when watching something that is highly visual and stimulates the brain cells.
So yeah, good movie because it did not stimulate brain cells.
That's what I look for in a movie.
Well, it can't be too scary.
If Clint Eastwood watches a movie with too many special effects these days, he's going to need to at least have a paramedic on standby.
Yeah, maybe that's why his appearance at the RNC didn't go over as well is because nobody knew how to do special effects and put Obama in that empty chair.
Yeah, they try to get a hold of the Coachella Tupac hologram guys.
Yeah.
Okay, that's it for the 100th episode of Minion Death Cult.
This is a different one, a weird one.
Maybe we do this again sometime.
I kind of liked it.
Yeah, it was a good time.
I would love to watch, I love hate watching things.
So, you know, we will do this again.
Yeah, and again, this week for Patreon supporters, we're going to have a bonus episode that hews to the original format.
We're going to be talking about a few things that happened last week, including the Notre Dame fire, which we all probably know what that's going to entail.
That'll be a fun one that'll be out probably Thursday for Patreon supporters as a thank you to all our new Patreon members and all the current ones who stuck with us.
Patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult.
And we still have shirts for sale at MinionDeathCult.com.
Check that shit out.
We just made stickers.
Free stickers with any t-shirt purchase.
And I just want to get this on the record real quick.
Fuck Bradley Cooper.
I, like, didn't realize I hate him until today, but, yeah, fuck, fuck, brother Peter fucking sucks.
Yeah, he kind of sucks.
I don't know, like, I don't, uh, like, even Silver Linings' playbook wasn't that good.
I don't care.
Yeah, no, I don't care about him.
He sucks.
He's a, I feel like he's a bootlicker, so.
So, on that note, hey, thanks for licking our boots by listening to this show.
And, uh, that's it, so bye.
Bye.
Bye.
There's a new airplane sitting next to you.
You know her name is Consuelo if you've been introduced.
Consuelo carries a package and she's paid to look away.
She's departures and destinations and silence on the way.
Don't look now, there's a new airplane.
I don't know.
She deplores the methods and subsists on her resolve.
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