All Episodes
Previous Next
Feb. 18, 2019 - Minion Death Cult
01:21:38
91 - NO ONE needs PERSONAL HOME DELIVERY 6 DAYS A WEEK !!!

This week The Cult celebrates the wonderful National Emergency and tackles an incredibly wild comment section about a 91 year-old USPS retiree. "Trump 'is' the 'leader' of the 'executive' branch" "Nancy Pelosi, I'm your Huckleberry" "I wish the government would take *my* land to build the wall" "Millennials are too lazy to work for 69 years and then die" "My dad is 70 and still works, and this is good for some reason"  

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Dot dot.
One hundred percent.
Dot dot dot dot.
Today is a new dawn in America.
Dot dot dot.
Good morning.
Dot dot.
U dot S dot A dot.
Dot dot dot dot.
At 10 o'clock this AM, our President Donald J. Trump dot dot dot will show the world what America is made of dot dot dot.
He has been building the wall space dot dot dot dot.
I'm Alexander Edward.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
out of his way dot dot dot he'll finish quote the wall quote dot dot dot this time bigger and better space dot dot dot dot god bless the u.s.a exclamation point dot dot dot dot dot dot dot heart i'm alexander edward and i'm tony boswell and we are minion death cult
the world is being born anew - Yeah.
Our president, Donald J. Trump, is responsible.
We're documenting it.
So, we have a lovely show for everyone out there.
God, what a good day it is, Tony.
What a glorious day.
It's like we were trying, you know, we were trying to figure out how to intro this episode with just this great news, and normally, you know, the bit at the top is, the world is ending, you know, so-and-so is responsible.
And then we remembered that the word apocalypse is actually a positive.
Yeah, it's a good thing.
In the biblical sense, so we can still use that sort of apocalyptic language to describe something good.
Which is construction.
Construction of a single brick-width wall along the southern border.
It's a thick brick, though.
Like, for bricks, it's a thick brick.
Yeah, I mean, Jethro Tull wouldn't have written a song about how thick a brick was if it wasn't that thick.
The best part about that, in case you guys didn't catch on, that was an actual comment.
Oh yeah, so yeah, what we do on the show is we read comments from people.
This is your first time listening?
The best part about that though is that when it says, um, uh, this time bigger and better, it implies some like really awful Terminator bootleg where he did build one wall and it was like a shitty wall.
Yeah.
And there was like a revolution to knock the wall over.
And this time he's coming back to build it bigger and stronger.
Keeping all the bad hombres out.
The first wall was involved in a terrible car accident.
It did start out as a U.S.
Olympic championship wall, but now, thanks to the technology, we can make it bigger and better.
Even bigger.
Yeah, so Trump, as you've probably, like, heard and seen memes and stuff about, declared a national emergency for, like, our diminishing immigration numbers.
Immigration being at its lowest point in, like, you know, the last 40 years or whatever.
Aside from the fact that immigrants are good and cool, And not at all a problem, even if you were of the mind that they are.
We're arguably in, you know, the era of the least amount of immigration we've ever been in.
Yeah.
So it's just, I think, the right time to declare national emergency about it.
The best part about this, it's like a, it's like a theme park that's not doing well, and like not accepting that it's their fault.
It's like people aren't necessarily coming here for a reason.
It's like fucking terrifying.
The rides are way too fast.
And when you do get decapitated on the ride, it's your fault.
It's just bad PR.
But instead we're just like, everybody wants to come here, they're just not.
Yeah, I mean, um, plus they, like, raised the rates and now it's like a hundred bucks to get in or something.
It used to only be like 65.
Um, but if, you know, you bring a Coke can, you can get yourself and a friend in for the same price.
That's cool.
That'd be cool.
Remember that?
Six Flags did that?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, I remember that.
It was, it might have been a, it was a can of sorts, yeah.
When my ancestors came to Six Flags, they did it the right way.
They found a coupon at their local grocery store.
That's the thing, though.
Other countries are like Six Flags, but America's like Disneyland.
Yeah.
You either gotta pay an exuberant amount for a one-day pass or pay an even more exuberant amount for a season pass.
Also just very evil.
Yeah.
Extremely evil.
And lame as fuck.
Um, hey, no, Disneyland's cool.
They have, um, like Toontown, right?
I genuinely think that's not there anymore.
Okay.
Well, so yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm pretty sure it's like, I think they took it out, which is kind of a bug.
Cause I remember when that got put in and I wasn't able to go to it.
No, I was a poor kid.
I just heard about it.
Yeah, that's a great story, dude.
But the point is is it sounded cool.
It did, yeah.
Yeah, okay, so I don't know like Trump didn't get funding for his wall, so he just did like the the most transparently idiotic next best thing which was to declare a state of emergency so that he can just take money and We're winning.
from another part of the government without the approval of Congress and use it for a wall, which will, you know, almost 100% inevitably be blocked and then struck down by the court system.
But, I mean, we're winning.
Until then, we're winning.
Well, it's like the people that are stoked on this are not stoked about it actually happening.
They're just...
It's about the principle, you know?
I mean, it really is like... Yeah, he called the bluff.
He said he was going to call an emergency and he actually did it.
And it's just like the problem is fake, so it's fine if the solution is also fake.
Also fake, yeah.
The fake solution will definitely...
Well, my very real fears of brown people.
Yeah, hey, this rock, you like this rock?
This rock prevents your family from being murdered by MS-13.
I don't see any MS-13 around here, do you?
Yeah, it's that thing.
Are we selling anti-MS-13 rocks now?
Yeah.
That's a good idea.
Yeah.
It's like salt lamps, but for MS-13.
Or it's like, I don't know, crystal dildos that prevent you from getting HPV.
That only works if you charge it in the moon.
It has to be the right moon.
So there's like, you know, various reactions to this.
All of them very funny.
The one I read up top is like, you know, it's kind of interesting finding comments for this topic because most of them were just really boring like hashtag winning type of things.
But I do have a few here that like, you know, celebrate the executive order and then The real meat of the episode comes when Nancy Pelosi opens her big ol' gob and says, you know, well, the Democrats might be president again one day, and hey, we could do something similar, and everybody's like, FUCK YOU!
And that's like where the show gets really interesting.
And in the second half of the show, we have a story about a 91-year-old postal worker retiring.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
91-year-old hero?
91-year-old hero retiring from the USPS, which stands for Uncle Pete's Or no, Uncle Sam's, I don't know, Postal Citizens.
Nevermind.
Wait, hold on.
UPS doesn't have a ready to go joke here?
UPS workers don't make fun of USPS workers?
Oh no, same team.
workers don't make fun of USPS workers?
Oh, no.
Same team.
Well, because I mean, what is...
Class consciousness, dude.
Aren't ready to be a Marine yet?
Well, I was trying to think of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children, but for the post office and I failed miserably.
Well, I'm just sad because that means that that culture doesn't actually exist in UPS or USPS.
You need to bring that there.
No, I refuse to.
I refuse to fight with FedEx.
I refuse to fight with USPS.
Workers of the corporate world unite.
Hey, real shit though, can you maybe start fighting with OnTrack?
Yeah, OnTrack does suck.
Yeah, fuck OnTrack.
Unless you work for them, then fuck them because they're not treating you right, that's why.
So anyway, this dude, this heroic gentleman, worked until he was 91, and retired, and is now going to die tomorrow, I think.
And there's some very, very fun- I did not expect that comment section to be so much fun.
No, I did not expect what- yeah.
It's good stuff.
Okay, let's get into the positive reactions to Donald Trump's executive order or, you know, declaration of emergency.
I love, like, people gleefully, like, clapping their hands at a supposed state of emergency.
Like, ooh, yay!
Ooh, yay, we're in a crisis!
I love this!
This is exciting!
I love you, Trump, for putting us into crisis mode.
Greg Allen says dot dot dot an executive order space dot dot dot dot space he quote is the boss parentheses not Nancy or Chuck dot dot dot top dog space dot dot dot the top quote executive space dot dot dot good on him space double exclamation point
Who does a double, not a triple?
Like, you're not committed, bro.
Also, I don't know how to read that when there's a space between the last word and the exclamation points.
Yeah.
How am I supposed to read this, Greg?
Because it's, not only is there a space, it's a space, uh, the, the com, with, with this space, it makes the exclamation points, uh, on the next line.
So like there's a line break.
So it's even more confusing.
Well everything about it's weird because he might be being sarcastic almost because he says he quote is the boss.
Quote top quote executive.
Well these are all technical terms that's why he's putting them in.
He's quoting the experts.
Do you know what you're doing here Greg?
Are you aware?
Well, see, Donald J. Trump, quote, is, quote, the leader of, quote, the executive, quote, branch of the government.
Exactly.
In layman's terms, that means he's the big chief.
In layman's terms, the big chief.
Yeah.
What are good, like, president synonyms?
Big guy Oh head honcho head honcho top dog.
We got that one.
That's a really good one Big kahuna Funnily enough, not used in Hawaii.
Not used in that state of all states.
It's explicitly used by white people.
Whenever people say white people don't have any culture, I want to refer them to the dozens of front door signs I see every day that say, Mahalo for removing your shoes.
Oh yeah, sorry about that.
I meant to say Hawaii.
You're like fiddling with stuff on your desk?
Oh, I don't mean to be.
I can hear it, yeah.
Okay.
It's very distracting to the listener.
I love it, but the listener, I'm getting, my listener sense is tingling.
I'll try to keep my hand still.
Luis, I say as I take a hit of a Juul and breathe it into the mic.
Luis Manuel M says, and death penalty for drug users as well.
So he's like punching up the executive.
Yeah.
He's like, what else can we do with this, uh, act?
Uh, also death penalty for drug users as well.
No drug users, no demand.
We will save $8 billion.
I blame this on Chapo.
Um, cause he, you know, when, when found found guilty, he said, well, it's America's fault.
Cause they're the biggest users.
Yeah.
And so, um, you know, uh, much like, uh, so wait, so you think Chapo is, uh, is, is having gay sex with Trump?
You think, think that that's what's happening?
Like, like they're, like they're butt buddies, um, and, and like gays together?
I don't get this joke.
Like, Chapo is pulling the strings and making Trump so hard on drug users because he's like, in control, you know?
Oh yeah, and that's how we illustrate that.
Oh, I forgot.
That's how we say they're bad.
That they're homosexual.
That makes sense, yeah.
Who are the most collusion, like, involved in collusion more than anybody.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love killing the drug users instead of, like, you know, the suppliers.
It's a lot like, you know, I don't blame him because he's probably just, like, looking at every other policy we have that, like, that favors the supply side.
Like, Yeah, yeah.
Like in Big Pharma?
Fuck, like, fuck, absolutely fuck the demand side of whatever equation we're talking about.
Supply side, all the way.
Supply, yeah.
Also, we will save 8 billion dollars.
Where's that number coming from?
Maybe he's referring to prisons that house drug users.
I think some people think that, yeah.
I like the way that he's trying to save money by not imprisoning drug users is to kill them.
Not just not imprison them, but imprison them in the ground.
Because that's a lot cheaper, you know?
What's funny is I was thinking that he was under the impression that every prisoner is a drug dealer, but he's under the impression that every prisoner is a drug user.
Well, I mean, he's, you know, not that far off.
We do imprison people for that.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
For sure, that's correct.
So we must kill them.
We would save eight billion dollars if we did.
Wild.
See, only crimes are drug crimes.
Hey, you're recording, right?
Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Sorry, there's a lot of, like, technical stuff we have to deal with since I left the state, so... Okay.
Now we get into the real juicy stuff.
Here's a meme that's going around.
It's a two-panel meme.
The top panel is, like, a thumbnail from an article, and the headline from this article says, Pelosi warns GOP next president could declare national emergency on guns and like the thumbnail is Nancy Pelosi dominating like a boss at the camera and in the bottom part of this meme
Is, um, that guy, uh, Doc Holliday from, like, Silverado, or, or, uh, uh, Dances with Wolves, or whatever that cowboy movie is, uh, with all the cowboys, and Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday, double-fisting revolvers, spreading his arms out, and then Impact Font says, Say when.
And so, you know, I'm just joking.
This is obviously from, I don't know, Tombstone?
Tombstone.
Yeah, and Val Kilmer's character, Doc Holliday, in this movie does have tuberculosis and is sweating through his shirt very visibly.
And I love this metaphor.
I love the metaphor of a man dying of a preventable disease just using his life to kill a politician.
So where they messed up on this is I was really confused for a minute when I first saw it.
So first of all, Nancy Pelosi's doing some crazy thing with her hands.
Where she's like, lobster, like hand puppeting both hands closed.
Yeah.
And the same way that he's holding the guns.
So I thought they were saying that she was him for a minute.
And then I realized that they were saying that they were him.
Yeah, they're him.
They were like, no way, we're like Doc Holiday and this bitch.
Remember how that movie ends?
We're like Doc Holiday and that we are dying from lack of medical care and all we care about is somebody possibly taking the gun out of my hand before they're cold.
Yeah, exactly.
Um, yeah.
So this is the meme.
Of course, like, people understood her comment to mean like, oh, they're, they're going to enact, they're going to declare a national emergency so they can confiscate all the guns.
Like when in reality it's, it would just be something like universal background checks or, or mental health evaluations or something, something like that.
Um, But yeah, they just took this idea, and I can't believe Nancy Pelosi said she was going to take all the guns when she becomes president in 2020.
I remember that.
That's why I'm not voting for her.
And this was posted to, like, Being Libertarian, and Being Libertarian commented on their own post.
My favorite.
Yeah.
It's a meme from Hancock.
Uh, the superhero movie with the, like, damaged, edgy superhero movie, uh, featuring Will Smith as Hancock, who's, like, Superman in that movie, I think?
He's just, like, basically a Superman type.
You know, he can, like, fly and be really strong.
Um, but his, uh, the meme is him with, like, a five o'clock shadow putting on his sunglasses that... They look like if black flies made snowboard goggles.
These are only, you can only buy these from a gas station.
Yeah, they're even like too big for the gas station ones though.
They're pretty big, yeah.
They're like, um... They're like combination black fly blue blockers.
Exactly.
They're the modernized blue blocker for the black fly generation.
And then in impact font, this meme says, Bitch can try!
I still don't get it.
It's just really fucking cool.
Why are they using that image?
Well, again, as with Doc Holliday being just on the verge of medical collapse and death, threatening a politician, this is like...
A projection of themselves like Hancock is you know the character if you're not familiar with the movie uh Hancock is like a drunk and he's a fuck up and he's just like um he's jaded he's jaded he's like you know he lives in a society um he's like uh got no reason left to live you know what I mean until Charlize Theron comes back into the picture and he realizes his reason left to live is to hit a woman
And that's... that's, I think... Fuck, I need to rewatch Hitchcock.
You're absolutely right.
I think that's, like, them telling on themselves about how, like, you know, I might seem like a fuck-up and an outcast and this world has discarded me, uh, but I won't be afraid to go beast mode and beat a woman.
Well, I mean, you know, equal rights equal fights.
Mm-hmm.
And that fight is equal if you watch the movie, which I do recommend watching Hancock.
Yeah.
But the best thing is like, just like many superheroes, one of the tenements is they don't really use guns.
You know, Hitchcock fights people that use guns, but he doesn't have to use guns.
So why is he using... why not the Punisher?
Why not so many people that use guns in movies, instead they're using Hitchcock who just... I don't know.
It's an interesting choice.
Yeah, no, you're right.
Like, um... Hitchcock probably is, like, more of a... more of, like, a dirtbag liberal, you know, than a... than a far-right, uh, Second Amendment guy.
Like, why didn't he use one of the other healthy people that actually lives in a tombstone pulling a gun saying, bitch can try instead?
I'm saying they see themselves in Val Kilmer's performance for some reason.
Okay.
I see myself in Val Kilmer.
Nick Detloff says, I guess my guns will have to identify as undocumented wireless devices from now on.
Nick, they're never going to believe you.
They're going to see the wires hanging from all over from your guns.
Say that again?
They're going to see all the wires hanging from your guns.
Oh yeah, it's one of those wired guns.
They're not wireless guns.
Is there guns with wires on them?
No.
I mean, I guess you could make a video game joke there, but no.
The wireless devices?
This is an Obama phone joke, huh?
It's a lot of jokes rolled into one.
That's why I like it a lot.
Yeah.
It's a gender identity joke.
Yep, yep.
And it's an undocumented immigrant joke.
And I mean, like, even if you're calling it an undocumented wireless device, like, those are still illegal.
Like, it's illegal to jailbreak an iPhone.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
To crime, I know a guy doing time for that right now, for Fire Sticks.
So, watch out Fire Stick users.
I know a guy who I bet doing that to Fire Sticks by delivering him a box of Fire Sticks every other week.
Yeah.
No, so, yeah, it's just like, you know, this is them making fun of liberals for calling illegal alien invaders undocumented immigrants, but, like, we don't think that that suddenly makes them citizens.
It's just like a more correct way to talk about them.
Yeah.
It's just, yeah, exactly.
Your gun would still be illegal, even if you identified it as an undocumented wireless device.
Anyway.
That's key.
You can name it whatever you want.
It's still what it is.
Yeah.
Lily Grace.
So those were a couple goofy takes, but Lily Grace is coming in here with some grace, really.
Under fire.
She says, Dems have to be careful here.
They can't, on the one hand, condemn this action as illegal, unconstitutional, dictatorial, shredding the rule of law, and, then on the other hand, gleefully lick their lips and say, boy, just wait till it's our turn in the White House.
If this is a grossly unprincipled move by Trump, then it's grossly unprincipled for any president to bypass Congress in this way.
Otherwise, Dems are as guilty of hypocrisy as Repubs are.
Imagine shortening Republican to Repub.
I'm thinking that's a good idea.
It's like, it's not that much longer from there.
Yeah.
Might as well keep going.
It's actually more confusing than just Rep.
Yeah.
Um, and I dunno, I like this take because A, like the Democrats haven't done this, nor would they really, like, I can't really see Democrats doing anything as, uh, Anything as wild as declaring a national emergency on gun deaths, you know?
Yeah, even if it needs to happen, they wouldn't do it.
Yeah, and I also like it because Instead of using your comment section time to actually condemn what a Republican president is currently doing, your galaxy-centrist brain take is to condemn Democrats for something they might do in the future?
And not only that, but this is exactly what Republicans are notoriously doing, where they like, used to come down on Obama for doing something, and then do the like, that to the nth degree.
Without thinking twice about it now that he's in office.
This is the kind of comment you make when you don't have any politics.
Like you don't have any actual goals or you're not actually concerned with achieving those goals.
Your only politics are just hypocrisy.
And how, gosh, just how foolish you would look if you tried to enact your policies at a national level.
You don't have a team.
You just like the sport.
You like refereeing the sport.
That's like, what a fucking dork.
What a low place to be.
Yeah, that's pretty bad.
And then finally, not finally for this meme, Mark Taylor says, and the America dot people will walk out of their homes armed to the teeth and will consider any and all law enforcement who try to disarm the American people as traitors and will be executed along with all of the politicians who are pushing the gun grab agenda.
They are domestic traitors, according to the Constitution, and the only suitable punishment is execution.
Tight!
Yeah, I mean, this is like, you know, kind of a normal take for Minion Death Cult.
I just love that, like, somebody made a meme about Nancy Pelosi stealing your guns, and like, that's all it took for you to openly comment about killing cops and politicians?
Yep.
um which i you know this is like the definition of white privilege folks like you just just a huge comment history of of assassinating politicians and cops and just free to post free to post all over facebook yeah like i have a hard time commenting on this comment even Um, but uh, but you know, go for it, my friend.
I just love it.
You saw a meme about Pelosi, like how she's going to take your guns and your reaction is gotta kill cops.
Guess we're killing cops.
Like, like Nancy Pelosi said that Sam Elliott's mustache wasn't that cool.
All right.
Guess it's time for martial law.
Time to suit up.
I guess those lives don't matter.
Okay, another post similar is from Occupy Democrats Logic, you know, whose raison d'etre is owning Occupy Democrats, you know, brutally and viciously.
And they posted a meme that says, what are you going to do if a future president uses emergency powers to ban guns?
Me.
Colon.
And then it's a photo of, like, some... A photo.
It's a photo.
It's...
It's a, it's a, it's a photo of some dipshits, uh, I don't know, in like 1770-something, uh, rowing a boat, uh, with some ice, and I think they're gonna go, like, kill some people.
Uh, this may or may not be George Washington crossing the Delaware.
Uh, I've never seen a photo of it, I've only seen paintings of it, but I think that this photo is... I think this is a photo of it, yeah.
Okay, that makes sense.
The painting, the painting that we usually see is of this photo.
Whoa, okay.
Yeah.
Because that was, that was, they took the photo back before like our painting skills had really developed.
Exactly.
Pun intended.
This was, this was back before we could do photo realistic painting.
I just love this whole thing.
It's just like, Ban guns?
Nope.
Revolution by rowboat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this has 9,400 reacts and 5,000 shares.
Yes.
So there's at least 5,000 people who are going to do the revolution.
Matt Satterfield comments, you're going to cross a frozen river on Christmas night to murder them in their sleep?
Get it?
Jason Clues says, History repeats itself.
And yes, yes I would.
I will die to defend the right to defend myself using whatever means I see fit.
Obviously those means weren't that great if you died because of defending them.
Get some better means, dude!
Come on, man.
I got some pages to show you on Instagram.
I got some memes that will keep you very safe.
And well, you said, you had a good comment about this when we were setting up the show.
You said, uh, wow, what a bunch of fucking losers these revolutionary war heroes are.
They could have just fucking 360 no-scoped the British from across the river.
Yeah, no need to cross the river if you have the firepower and the right technology.
Yeah, well see that's the problem is that our Second Amendment rights have been so infringed that we can't launch a mortar across the river into DC.
Like I said, the person who made this meme has clearly never seen the American classic American Sniper.
Oh, that's an American movie?
Yes, yes.
Made in and by and for America.
I think the whole point of that movie was that, like, nobody was as good as Chris Kyle, though.
Well, that's a fact, but I mean... So, like, maybe that movie was actually, like, anti-revolutionary propaganda, like, counter-revolutionary propaganda, saying, like, you people who think you can change things will never be as good as the number one sniper slash psychopath in the world, so why even try?
Well, that sounds like somebody who doesn't want to train every day.
I'll train, but just not at the same gun range as Chris Kyle.
No, I want to be number one wherever I'm at.
Well, I also don't want to die.
Oh wait, I've never seen American Sniper, so maybe... I've never seen it either, but you don't know how he died?
No, how does he die?
He was taking PTSD vets to the gun range as a form of therapy, and one of them killed him.
No!
Yeah, yeah.
Fuck.
That's a sad story.
I mean, in the abstract it's sad, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a bummer movie.
Didn't Casey Affleck play him in that movie?
No, it's that guy from...
It's the guy from Silver Linings Playbook.
They need to remake that movie and have Casey Affleck play him and be that actually really sad movie with Casey Affleck where nothing good happens.
And then the reason for him holding a doll instead of a real baby will make sense.
Will make more sense.
Exactly.
um okay uh yeah child death um okay i just like this statement i will die to defend the right to defend myself using whatever means i see fit like these are these are your politics like i just want to be able to die i just want to be able to die for my right to die like this is like this is like an endless loop of nonsense I will die to defend the right to defend myself from dying!
Well, like, yeah, everyone wants to be a martyr, you know?
Like, you have no other politics.
And this is kind of like, you know, gets to the heart of this, like, issue about people so stoked on a wall that they'll never see, that will have no impact on their daily lives whatsoever.
Like...
What are your politics when your president is going to expend like whatever political capital he might have had two years into his presidency to build a fucking wall three, you know, a couple thousand miles away from you?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Anyone who's going to get to you is going to get to you anyways.
Mark Schubert says, It's neat seeing conservatives defend seizing private property for the greater good.
Very communist.
It's not like quite communist, but I understand the point that Mark is making.
It's a valid point because presumably a lot of this wall would have to be built on land that, you know, quote, belongs to farmers or people in general.
And Patrick Bell replies, it's called imminent domain, FYI.
That's not what it's called.
It's the wrong word.
And is used daily.
My friend lost his home to it for a new highway.
I don't agree with that at all, but it has been like that forever.
So if a rancher or landowner doesn't like it, tough luck.
This is great.
Sacrificing your friend's house to build the wall.
You should have known.
You should have known where you were building it the first time.
You know, where your land was.
You should have known that it was... Hey, you might lose the place where you live, but that's life.
That's life.
Stuff on the streets.
I fucking love that.
Like, just trotting out your friend losing his place to live to support Donald Trump.
Yeah, that sucks for your friend.
Why were you okay with that?
Yeah, not only is he okay, he thinks it's necessary.
And actually, I think your friend should have gotten paid a lot of money for that.
Yeah, if they enact eminent domain on your property, they have to pay.
But still, now you gotta move all your stuff.
I just, yeah, I love it.
Yeah, you might not have a place to live anymore, but neither will refugees.
I really like the idea of spite houses along the wall.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, just like a bunch of up houses lined up together.
Yeah.
That are now just empty and people are, like, they become, like, shuttles.
What would a house look like to block the wall?
Would it be like, um... It would be a house with only two walls.
It had to be a gap.
Yeah, it would be like a gap.
You'd build like lateral walls, but have no front and back walls.
That's what I'm saying.
You like, you have the house, but you should remove both doors.
Yeah, the front and back door.
Finally, Craig Gates says about this photo of Washington crossing the Delaware, um, one of those 2,400 men who crossed the Delaware was my sixth great-grandfather.
And he just got no likes or responses, and I like that a lot.
Dang, that's funny, like, it's like, he, what he should have said was like, One of those 2400 vets crossing in Delaware was my sixth-grade grandfather.
He was an OG vet.
Yeah, you have to say vet a couple times.
Yeah, like you're just calling them men and like why do I care about just a man, you know?
My grandpa was one of the first American vets.
Yeah.
He like didn't steal valor.
He created it, you know?
He created the idea of valor.
Yeah, there was no Valor before that with his grandpa.
So, like, everybody who claims to have Valor now is just stealing it from his grandpa?
Yeah.
You're welcome.
So another wrinkle in this story is that Trump has, I believe, signed the spending, the, you know, bipartisan spending bill in order to keep the government open to avoid another shutdown.
He announced that he was going to sign it at the same time that he announced this, you know, state of emergency, declaration of emergency.
And it turns out there's some stuff in the bill that he signed, or is going to sign, that's not so good.
I'm reading from Breitbart here.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly gave President Donald Trump false information about legislation to prevent a second partial government shutdown.
I like how they're inserting the word partial in there, like to say, oh, it's not that bad, real quick.
Claiming the bill possesses no, quote, hidden provisions or, quote, landmines.
And what they're saying is that the bill reportedly does contain those landmines or hidden provisions, specifically ones that allow localities along the border to prevent the wall from actually being built on their land.
So like, you know, a county or a state or just some governmental body can decide, hey, no wall here.
I want to keep this,
land that I that I ranch myself along with you know 12 underpaid farm laborers and no wall there and and yeah yeah so that's pretty funny uh and but give us the money you would have spent on the wall that would be here and we'll distribute it amongst them amongst myself it'll be much easier to divide that way you just divide it by one you know
And so yeah, people aren't happy that Mitch McConnell just fucking lied to Trump.
It's like, no, it's a good bill.
Nothing in it bad at all.
And I have some comments here from Facebook.
I imagine Trump already knew this, but wanted to expose McConnell for the rhino he appears to be.
He can't do any wrong.
He cannot do anything wrong ever.
God, Republicans are going to look so stupid when I sign this.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm going to sign this, but I need you to know that I know what I'm signing, and I know that you're trying to trick me, or in fact tricking me, but I'm going to take this trick to show you that you are trickers.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to expose your trickery by signing the trick.
I might have signed it, but at least I didn't trick me into signing it.
Yeah, this reminds me of when Trump had his famous, we like taking the guns comment.
Some of the comments we had on that episode were, oh no, he's being sarcastic.
He's pretending to be a liberal.
He's doing irony to be a liberal to show liberals how dumb they are and show the world how evil they are.
He clearly winks and then nudges.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ron Mathis says, Trump, you are a businessman.
Thankfully, dot dot dot.
As with every smart businessman, you should read every word of the quote contract, another technical term there, before signing it.
Something's hidden in all of the fine print probably will not make it a good quote deal.
That one's not so much technical.
When in doubt, do not sign.
See what's funny is that Trump, notoriously, never actually read documents.
He just ignored them.
So when he, like, would have a contract with a, you know, contractor, he would just ignore it and just not pay it.
And it wasn't because of fine print.
It was just because, like, well, I don't really want to.
Yeah.
There was no, like, clause in those saying I have to pay.
He just would out outspend him in the courts.
Yeah.
And, you know, I think there's overlapping motives there, like his His hatred of paying contractors and employees really overlaps nicely with his hatred of reading anything.
Yup.
Yeah, anything.
So it's kind of, you know, two birds, you know?
Do you think he's ever read a book?
Yeah, he's read The Art of the Deal multiple times.
I don't think he's even done that.
Yeah, no.
No, probably not.
Um, he's probably read, uh, How to Be a President for Dummies.
You know, because he's such a bad president.
And he, it's all, you know, highlighted and... Yeah, yeah.
Dog-eared.
Post-noted.
Yeah.
Dog-eared.
There you go.
He's got, like, one of those Book Fair bookmarks.
Yeah.
With, with, like, a glamour shot of, uh, Chrissy Teigen on it.
Oh yeah, yeah.
He like hates her.
Yeah, okay, that was the wrong one.
I don't know, some other supermodel, you know?
But like from the 80s.
I just like Ron Mathis simultaneously holding up Trump as a very smart businessman but also feeling the need to explain to Trump that you have to read a document before you sign it.
One of the things people don't realize about being a businessman is you have to look at where you sign things.
Well, not only that, but it's one of those comments where he's talking directly to Trump.
Now Trump, I know you know this.
I know that I'm just wasting your time, but have you considered, like what did he think, this mastermind that is Trump, How does he think he would respond to this?
It would just be a waste of air, because the response would only be like, oh, I know, I know.
Yeah.
No, I did do this.
I know, idiot.
Just trust the plan.
Did you read it, Ron?
I didn't think so.
And then on Breitbart, in the Breitbart comments section, just sort of like a non-sequitur exchange that I really liked, Masked Man says to fellow commenter Xena, That's well done, Miss Xena.
And then Xena replies to Masked Man.
It's quote, ma'am.
But don't worry, I'm not a snowflake upset over quote, misgendering.
Winky face.
And this is a really confusing comment.
Yeah, yeah.
Because I, you know, Ms., Ms., dot, that's already a female pronoun, or a female honorific, whatever you call those.
So he did it right, I think.
And then also, like she says, don't worry, I'm not a snowflake upset over misgendering.
Then why did you correct him?
Well, because it's not about misgendering like the snowflakes would get mad at.
It's about status.
You're doing her status incorrect.
She's not a miss, she is a ma'am.
And you give her the respect due to ma'am.
So you should have said, that's well done, ma'am, Xena.
Exactly.
Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
That's well done, Xena, ma'am.
Um... Actually, you don't get to say Xena as the whole thing.
Okay.
Yeah.
You don't get... You put some respect on her name by not saying her name.
You just... She is only man.
Hey, don't call me Xena.
That's my mom.
Call me ma'am.
Uh, my mom is the queen.
I am really the princess.
Uh, so, I don't know.
Maybe, like, this is an edited comment?
Maybe he... Even... It would be even funnier, I hope, uh, if this is an edited comment and it originally said, That's well done, Mr. Xena.
Yeah.
Just the idea of somebody like not knowing Xena.
Xena, the warrior princess?
The warrior princess, yeah.
God, what a... You know what's weird?
I used to watch that show like every fucking day and I don't remember one episode.
Like, I don't remember any of it.
Which episode was it?
I don't remember any episodes ever.
I don't remember anything that happened in that show.
You said you remembered one episode.
No, I said I don't remember any of it.
Oh, you don't remember one episode.
No, I don't remember anything from that show at all.
Like, at all.
It does not spark... I watched it all the goddamn time, too, and I don't remember any of it.
It does not spark joy, is what you're gonna say, so you threw it away from your memory.
I mean, I'll never forget Lucy Wallace, but I'll always forget every episode of Xena.
Yeah.
Tinman2 says, we all know what the turtle is.
A parasite.
For those who don't know, Mitch McConnell does resemble a turtle.
Yeah, he's like a turtle man.
He looks like a turtle, for sure.
But, um, I don't know in what world the turtle is a parasite.
Like, he looks like if Franklin went missing for 40, no, I don't know, 60 years and then a police artist did a sketching of what he might look like now.
I, you know, I don't know how to tell you this or how I might be wrong here, but I think that we all accepted that Franklin's actually not white.
Okay, I didn't watch Franklin.
I was trying to sound cool, like I knew Franklin, but... Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure Franklin's, like, I don't know what he is, but he's not white.
Okay, so maybe Mitch McConnell also not white.
Oh, but he's been in the dark for so long he, like, lost his pigment.
Yeah, yeah, that's how it happens.
Alright, that makes sense.
Um, yeah.
We all know what the turtle is.
A parasite.
A parasite.
This is a great metaphor.
Didn't go with the obvious swamp creature joke.
Went for parasite.
You know, just went for parasite.
You know that story about how, you know, there's a giant turtle sucking on the world, eating it to death?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a turtle resting on top of the world, using the world for its own benefit.
Yeah.
Be nice to turtles, man.
Turtles are harmless creatures.
They're wonderful.
And I don't know why you're hating on them so bad, just because this guy looks like one.
I also just find the overall idea, everybody was getting mad at Mitch McConnell, calling him a rhino, saying he's fucking useless, saying he's working for the Democrats, saying he just is a Democrat, etc, etc, when like...
Mitch McConnell is probably the most effective political legislator in like the last 20 years.
Yeah.
Like, he straight up prevented Obama from getting a Supreme Court justice.
And he's very proud of it.
He had the Republicans in the Senate, at least, in lockstep, you know, against Obama for, you know, So, like, any political victories outside of, you know, the elections... I don't agree with anything he's done, really.
But, yeah, he's effective, to say the least.
He's very, very effective.
But, I mean, this is just, like, these morons.
They're like, oh, he did something bad to Trump, therefore he's fucking useless and an idiot and stupider than all of us.
When he's been the only thing really, like, keeping Republican ideals going, those aides.
Right.
And what I'm saying is critical support for Mitch McConnell.
Absolutely.
I respect that.
Okay.
Next topic.
Talking about this, uh, elderly postal worker, um, a member of the Uncle Sam's Psychopathic Servicemen, USPS.
Nailed it.
Uh, Utah Mailman, 91, retires with perfect record after 69 years on job.
I just want to say, uh, nice.
Nailed it.
Worth it.
Worth the joke.
Nice.
It's a cool number.
Do you think he retired just to do the joke?
Yeah, I think he's been putting off retirement for at least four years now.
He's like, well, I made it this long.
I mean, like, think about the cake.
It's going to say 69 on it for sure.
I think he should have retired after 666 years.
I was going to say, there's no way he's going to make it to 420 years.
Yeah, so this is a story on Fox News.
It was, you know, one of those feel-good stories about, you know, what real work ethic is, basically.
Jack Lund, 91, of Richfield, Utah, began delivering mail in 1949 when he was 21 years old.
He was retired after 69 years on the job.
Nice.
Nobody has ever accused me of being smart.
And I didn't know you had to quit when you were 65.
And I have enjoyed driving the truck.
So it is what I wanted to do all my life.
And I have enjoyed driving the truck.
You know, that's all well and good.
It's wholesome.
That's great.
It's really funny the way he phrased it, but it's wholesome.
It's heartwarming, you know?
Some people like their job.
That's cool.
On the other hand, working until I'm 91 sounds awful.
Sounds like the worst possible decision I could ever make.
Deciding to do this outside of financial motivations seems insane to me.
Well, not only that, but like you said, explain to the people what a perfect record is.
Okay.
So when I first read this headline, I read it in a couple places.
When I first read this headline, I was like, Oh, a perfect record.
Like he didn't miss deliver any mail or he didn't lose any mail or whatever.
That's cool.
I guess that's a, that's a really high standard.
That's impressive.
Yeah.
Um, but okay.
No, what they mean is that what they mean by perfect record is that he never called in sick.
He never missed a day of work.
That's the sad part.
Like, I'll work till 91, but I'm only going to show up for like one day a week.
And you guys are going to let me do it because I'm 91.
This means this dude was working while he was sick.
He was working while his family was sick.
Yeah.
It's not good.
Like the mail's not that important, guy.
They don't talk about how he's been divorced five times.
And he doesn't know why.
He's just like this insanely career-driven, sociopathic mailman.
Yeah, shouldn't he have been at the top of the United States Postal Service by the time he was done?
No, it doesn't work like that.
Cause you could be CEO in 91 for sure.
Um, yeah, I don't think that's how that works.
Like being a, being a mail carrier is like kind of the top, you know, from, from the non-management side.
I don't think you want, you'd want to be management just like at my job at UPS.
You don't really want to be management.
Um, yeah.
I don't know.
Like, you never just took a day off so you could, like, take three showers and jerk off a couple times?
Like, that sounds... Sounds bad to me.
It sounds shitty.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I want you to, like, what is he gonna do with his life now?
He's gonna die immediately.
Totally.
Absolutely.
He's probably already dead as we're recording this.
Yeah, they forced him out of this job, basically.
So after this heartwarming, simplistic anecdote about how he likes driving the truck, which is kind of like when I was on the Street Fight 3rd show, that's kind of how I described my job, the perks of my job.
I was like, I don't know, you get to be outside and drive a truck.
It's cool.
Yeah.
So I identify with that.
After that heartwarming paragraph, the immediate next paragraph on FoxNews.com says, Lund, a dedicated postman, never mailed it in.
His fellow employees described him as the whole package.
Reliable and always delivering, despite poor weather or car trouble.
And, I mean, some of those puns don't really work because, like, he is literally delivering.
Like, just, it doesn't really scan as a pun because it's, like, literal.
He is always delivering, you know?
It was funny because they were just trying to talk and, like, the reporter kept on laughing.
Yeah.
I love that that's the angle on this story of like, you know, this dude working his fucking fingers to the bone, working his own body into dust is like, oh, well, he gave first class service on the job.
Just like four puns back to back in a paragraph that rules.
Also, I think, you know, I think he kind of cheated.
Like, he retired after 69 years.
He's 91.
Like, he made it out alive.
Like, why are we praising him for not dying on the job?
Not giving his whole life to the job, you know?
He has not fallen.
He's very much, you know, he made it.
Sounds like he never even got hurt on the job.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know why this is supposedly, like, a laudable effort on his part.
It sounds like he could have given more, you know?
Yeah, sounds like he never really even tried.
You can't deliver that many packages without spreading an ankle.
Like I said, uh, you know, this, this comment section turned out to be very wild for such a benign news story.
Like I, you know, I was going to read the comments and think it was, but like a bunch of like bootlicking about how, you know, this is real work ethic and all that, which, which of course it was, but, um, just so much more, so much more.
You think we were harsh.
You just wait.
The top comment on the Fox News Facebook post is from Carol Wojnar, which I think that that's like the name of the hammer that Thor uses.
Carol says, another example of quote, too greedy to retire.
Keeping a good job that a young family person could have had.
No way too many like this.
Dot, dot, dot.
Shameful.
That is the most... All these old troopers.
That is the most, like, just, uh, gutsy contrarian take I've ever seen.
Yeah.
Just this sweet old man who just liked driving a truck and probably didn't have much else to live for.
You're calling him a fucking greedy, greedy, shameful person.
No, you know what it is?
I know exactly what this is.
So Carol has a son.
Carol's son, uh, is always like between jobs, can never find a job, is also never really trying to find a job because Carol keeps on paying for his stuff.
Um, but when Carol's son... Oh, wait, hold it.
Is, is Carol's son a millennial?
Uh, Carol's son is my aunt's son.
I'm talking about one person, actually, who I, I know where this is coming from.
And he, he comes home and he's like, you know, mom, they just, they're not retiring.
They're just working.
There's too many mailmen.
You know?
Yeah.
No, I would have a job, but these old men won't give it up.
Like, that's where she got this from.
It's the only way.
I guarantee if you look into her history, she has a son who just can't get a job and is now blaming that on old men.
God, these CEOs need to retire so, like, I can take over, you know?
Yeah, so her son can take over.
Sherry Jackson replies to Carol, Unfortunately Carol, the younger generation does not want this job.
It is too much work for them.
They want the paycheck.
They just don't want to work hard to get it.
That has 1.3 thousand likes.
In a reply, a reply just like bashing Millennials.
And, you know, Nicole Takahashi in another comment says, now that he's retired, can he go around the country sharing his amazing work ethics with whiny and angry liberal Millennials and Generation Z?
And that has 2.2 thousand like, love, laugh, reacts.
What the fuck does Nicole do for a living?
I'm looking at this picture and this person is not, um, old.
No, uh, Nicole, uh, very obviously a millennial.
Yeah, I can, yeah, very obviously a millennial, very obviously still enjoys, uh, you know, Hot Topic trips for... I think what it could be, I think, um, Nicole might not be like other millennials.
Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
We call this a pick-me-ass millennial.
Also, like, I don't know.
I've never seen, like, a...
Not in a long time.
I haven't seen, like, an old male person. - Mm-hmm.
Like all the people that work for USPS that I interact with are pretty young.
That's because the older generation in your area at least did the right thing and died.
Oh true, true.
And gave the jobs up.
Also I want to say like you USPS like they're paid pretty well USPS has been a historical inroad to the middle class for people of color and other minorities like it's a great job and it has a pretty good pension and you like max your pension out at You know, 60, 65 or whatever.
Like when you're 65.
Something like that.
You know, 65 or 70 or after so many years.
That's what I'm saying.
Jack Lund has like five divorces, has like 27 kids.
But the thing is... Like he had to keep on working.
No, the thing is, is like... No, Jack Lund's got a 10-year-old kid right now.
He could have retired and have been making 90% of his current income by not working.
Like that's what the pension is.
That's what your pension is.
Once it maxes out, you get like 90% of your salary, your hourly wage or whatever.
So if he needed the money that- Then how are you gonna teach your 10-year-old about principles and hard work?
You fucking retire from that job and get a different job and double your income.
That's how you do it.
Actually, this is his second job.
Before he started working at 12.
Eddie in Karen English says, "heck, they have 50 or 60 days off a year anyway.
My son had perfect attendance in kindergarten, and we didn't make a big deal about that.
OK, LOL.
Actually, you know, the fact that you remember, I don't know, I don't know how old your son is, but the fact that you remember that, you made a big deal about it.
Also, like, that should be a big deal.
That's a good thing.
If your child can have perfect attendance in elementary school, especially kindergarten, that's a very important thing.
It's a very important foundation to lay down for your kids.
It's not something to laugh at.
Tony?
Nah.
Nah.
Nope.
No.
Kids get to stay home from school.
I never came close to that shit.
As long as they're still doing something valuable when they stay home from school, like watching Blade Runner, then that's fine.
That's the same thing.
But like I said, this person remembers that their kid had perfect attendance?
And uh so yeah it was a big deal and also you did it yourself.
Yeah they like glance.
Jack's parents weren't dropping him off.
They like glance over to the trophy case on their wall and spy the perfect attendance trophy and they're like hey we didn't make a big deal about this.
He's like polishing it as he's talking.
They have a bumper sticker even though they don't make perfect attendance bumper stickers they got one made.
Yeah my child was an attendance warrior at uh you know Purview Elementary.
Attendance Warrior is the name.
Yeah.
And like it's got nothing to do with the mascot, which is like a falcon, you know?
Yeah.
It's like, it's not even some sort of like, you know, Native American caricature.
Wait, did one of your schools have one of those?
My school did.
What?
My junior high was this, the Serrano Warriors, and it was like an indigenous person.
Well, mine was even more offensive.
We were the Clement Vikings.
So I had to see that nasty image every time I walked through the door.
You know, just like stereotypical straight nose and blonde braids.
Viking helmet?
You know, I don't know if that person really earned their Viking helmet.
Not likely.
Yeah, uh, Kimberly Stortz says... Oh, also when Eddie says, heck, they have 50 or 60 days off a year, he's definitely talking about, like, weekends?
Yeah, for sure.
Like, that's what he's talking about?
Because no, there's not, like, they work, I think even, they work Sundays now.
Like, they work seven days a week, you know, they operate seven days a week.
Hopefully they still get weekends.
But, um, they don't get, like, federal holidays.
Like, I don't even get federal holidays.
I don't even get, like, you know, President's Day or Martin Luther King Day or anything like that.
I'm lucky to get Labor Day.
So you're going to work tomorrow?
No, because my schedule is off Mondays.
You didn't do that on purpose.
They tried to make me, uh, they tried to make me go into work tomorrow.
On the holiday?
What is tomorrow's holiday?
I thought it was a holiday.
It's President's Day.
Oh, yeah.
But, no, like everybody else has to work.
I'm just on a Tuesday through Saturday schedule.
Everybody else has to work, but they were like, hey, you're forced to come in.
And then I said, no, I'm not.
And then I called my shop store to make sure I wasn't.
And he said no.
And so I said, cool.
Tight.
Yeah.
Good for you.
Um, Kimberly Stortz says, I swear my father is exactly the same.
He never missed a day of work in 50 years.
So many people saying this in the comment section.
My dad and mom never missed a day of, like, how the fuck do you know?
Like, who pays attention to whether their parents are working every day?
Like, your dad just had a second family, was visiting them.
Yeah, see, what's really sad is this was like a A 90s coming-of-age movie where the dad never showed up.
It was because he was at work.
At your star basketball game.
Oh, I got work.
Oh, my dad's at work.
Church communion.
My dad's at work.
My dad left to buy a pack of cigarettes, which is his job, and never came back.
When's Dad coming home?
Well, he's at work forever now.
He's at the big work in the sky.
Well, you know, honey, that his hours are directly, you know, the opposite of yours.
Like, he gets home the second you fall asleep.
Like, ships in the night.
And if you don't go to sleep, Daddy's never gonna stop working.
He can't come home.
His job is making sure you're asleep.
and then it's just it just turns into like a Disney version of like the Sandman story or something and she's like trying to catch catch daddy like when he's sprinkling uh sleep into her eyes you know this is a really amazing we're gonna write this book and make a lot of money it's just a it's just a metaphor for like absentee fathers yep um Now, quote, retired, he still works a security job and never misses a day either.
Three exclamation points.
Imagine being this stoked about your elderly father having to work security at like a T-Mobile.
No, this is still the same thing.
It's like, hey, so you're coming to Jacob's birthday on Sunday, right?
Oh, yeah, I got a security job now.
I'm not going to be able to make it.
Yeah, I'm protecting a valuable asset called free time.
Yeah, I'm so sorry about that.
I'm protecting a valuable asset called Daddy's Me Time.
Sorry, I'm trying to secure the bag, so I won't be able to make it to Jacob's party.
He is never sick.
Okay.
He is never sick and this year will be 70 years old and there is no stopping him.
Not a single health problem either.
It's amazing.
And I like to think like her dad is just like gravely ill, but just not confiding in her at all because she'll call him like a pussy.
Like her dad is just like dying on his feet, but he can't even talk to his bootlicking daughter about it.
There's like a moment where he, like, hacked up blood in front of her.
And she's like, what?
He's like, oh, nothing.
Just choked on a bone.
Just choking.
Nothing to be concerned about.
Oh, I cut my lungs at work today because I work so hard.
Yeah.
I'm strong.
I'm very strong.
Oh, man.
This is great.
This is so wholesome.
It's such a wholesome culture we have in America where it's like a valiant thing to work until you die.
That's like a good thing we should all aspire to.
Yeah.
Dude, I love sick days.
Um, yeah, they're pretty sick, dude.
Uh, okay.
So the comment section gets super wild once you actually go to the Fox News website and look at their comment section.
Uh, definitions.
Audacious username.
Well, it stands for Def-Pho-Nations.
Oh, yes.
If you're following the Minion Death Cult Facebook or Twitter, I learned that Def-Pho-Nations is just a portmanteau of Def-Pho-Nations and that, like, spelling is a spell and verbs are curses or something.
I don't know.
That's a really interesting series of comments from my dude on Twitter.
Oh, cursive is a curse.
That's what it was.
Spelling is a spell.
Cursive is a curse.
Worked all those years delivering mail for nothing.
Imagine if you had spent 69 years winning people for Christ.
I don't think you can do that.
I think it has to either be 68 or 70 years winning people for Christ.
Otherwise, like, you're gonna be, uh, sending the wrong message.
Real disrespectful.
You would be a billionaire in heaven where it matters.
I love- Ayo, ayo, ayo, he was speaking in tongues, you feel me?
No.
Spreading the word for 69 years.
Oh, oh, the 69 thing.
Yeah, no, I get it.
It's a joke about oral sex and, uh, speaking in tongues because you're possessed by the Holy Spirit.
No, that would have been good to say before I went on to the next sentence.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry.
I just love this contrarian take.
Like, oh, you worked for 69 years?
Too bad you weren't proselytizing as a pauper, you fucking idiot.
What a dumbass.
You would be a billionaire in heaven where it matters.
Now you're just going to be a pauper in heaven and on earth.
Sad that our priorities are so screwed up as humans.
So this comment was definitely left at a library computer.
And they were shouting about Jesus the whole time they typed it.
Otherwise it would be pretty hypocritical.
I've had the exact opposite thought so many times.
I think a lot of us have.
I wasted so much time at Sunday school.
Yeah, my grandmother knows everything there is to know about Catholicism.
If she had that much knowledge about anything else, she could probably make a difference.
There's a lot to know about Catholicism.
You definitely have to empty out parts of your brain devoted to critical thinking, non-linear lines of thought.
She spends hours and hours and hours at the hospital giving communion to patients.
I'm sure that that helps them uh somehow.
Well some of them choke on it and it takes them out easier.
Okay.
Um but if she spent that much time at a hospital doing anything else she probably could do a heart transplant.
Okay she's gonna start washing feet then.
You convinced her.
She probably will.
She becomes an excellent like pedicurist.
Yeah.
Whisper Truth replies to Definitions.
The article didn't say anything about his faith.
Perhaps he is a working testimony to living a quiet and godly life according to 1 Thess, which is short for Thestral, the animal in the Harry Potter universe, 411.
Only God knows how many lives he touched and changed by his example.
I was certainly encouraged by his example.
So I like, I like this.
So this is like even more woke.
Like, Definitions thought they caught us all off guard by saying, uh, looks like you should be, should have been delivering the word instead of mail.
Um, which is pretty big brain take, but then Whispering Truth is like, well, what if he was writing John 3 16 on the envelopes?
Also, like, it didn't say anything about his faith, but he was definitely Christian.
So what if?
Right.
I just love, like, I love him, like, opening people's mail and inserting Chick tracts and then closing it again.
No, I like to imagine that he was really just, like, spreading the word of Krishna.
And that's why he lived so long and was speaking the truth about that.
Yeah, he's like giving people later era Integrity CDs and shit.
Yeah.
He's like, hey, have you heard, uh, is it was Ignite Krishna?
I don't know.
Have you heard Ignite?
Hey, they're pretty cool.
Fiavini says about this, you know, wholesome story about a man working himself to death.
Awesome.
This is why I don't give homeless people anything.
Wow.
This is so cool.
Can we kill the poor?
Yeah.
This is awesome.
I love this story.
This is why I hate, uh, I hate mental people with mental illness.
Obviously he needs to read the prior comment where he says that he's also the reason people can't get jobs.
Yeah.
See, that would be a big conflict, I think.
What he should be saying is, this is exactly why I give poor people money.
Yeah.
And then final comment, Iceberg808 says, you think that's like a, that's a production thing?
I like to hope so.
You think he's making beats that could like crush the Titanic?
Just read the comment.
The Postal Service is a joke!
No one needs personal home delivery six days a week!
What a joke!
It's just more government waste and fraud.
The UPS is billions in the red, and they owe their pension hundreds of billions!
They need to make home delivery two days a week, business delivery two days a week, and all advertising and packages get 200% price increase!
Lay off one quarter of the staff and stop coming to our homes six days a week!
What a waste!
Yeah, this guy is a hero, sure.
Probably an Obama voter, for sure, as most of the union workers are anyway.
With his pension and SS income, he's making more income than 98% of all employed workers in the world.
Quote, government money is unlimited, and yes, the UPS is a government entity!
It is not some private thing!
We the people pay billions into it every year.
Amazing.
Never did I imagine such a comment about a 91-year-old retiring.
Yeah, amazing.
I like how... I think this guy has the most annoying postman ever is what's going on.
This person's postal delivery person is the most annoying person ever.
Yeah, he's just getting like ads for local Chinese restaurants in his mail every day.
No, the person that comes to his door is just like, Hey Iceberg, how you doing?
How's the kids?
How's everything going?
Great weather today, right?
Yeah, there's one thing... Iceberg's like, everything sucks.
You guys are the enemy.
I don't want to do six days a week.
I love- this is- this is my new favorite politics.
I've never seen a comment like this.
I've never seen a comment...
What's anti-union?
Anti-everything?
Well, it's very specific.
It's like anti the post office delivering six days a week because he don't like the mailman coming to his house six days a week.
Also, home delivery two days a week.
Business delivery two days a week.
Yeah, sure.
I'm sure businesses don't need mail every day, you know?
Oh my god.
I couldn't imagine my job without that.
It'd be amazing.
This is the most specific grievance I think we've ever had on the show.
Yeah.
Then he stopped coming to my house six days a week.
And that's spelled out, S-I-X.
Oh, it's important.
All caps.
Yeah, each letter just as important as the one that preceded it.
What a waste.
This guy's not a hero, this guy's just a succubus.
This guy's just suckling on the tea.
Like, all of his facts are wrong.
Completely wrong.
Like, the USPS isn't funded by the government.
Or taxes at all.
No, just stamps.
Only stamps.
They're completely self-funded.
And the only reason they're quote, in debt is because Congress has specifically passed legislation to make them um have enough cash on hand in order to pay pensions like 70 years into the future yeah which no business no other business with or without pensions does because that's because no one has hundreds of billions of dollars as the comment says Yeah, yeah, but love that comment.
Love this show because it provides me reasons to find takes like that.
Okay, that's it for the show.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you want to write to us, you can write to us at MinionDeathCult at gmail.com.
Follow us on social media at MinionDeathCult on Instagram and Twitter.
I post stuff there.
Tony posts stuff there that we don't actually cover on the show, but it's still very funny Support us on patreon.com slash minion death cult we are completely ad free and We don't we aren't currently releasing bonus episodes, but there are like 40 or so bonus full-length episodes same format same deal that you can still listen to if you're a patreon subscriber and
Rate and review the show if you have time to do so.
I saw we've gotten a few more ratings.
I don't know who to thank because they didn't leave a review, but that's okay.
Thank you so much for doing that if you have.
If you haven't, think about doing it.
It takes like 10 seconds.
You can do it from inside your podcast app.
And if you could take another 10 seconds and leave a review and scream about the post office in that review, that would be wonderful.
We'd really appreciate that.
I think that's about it, right, Tony?
Yeah, I think so.
Thanks, guys.
Okay, thanks so much.
Good looking out, fam.
Alright, bye-bye.
▲
Export Selection