What would it be like if corporations consulted REAL Americans before producing ads? I think it would go a little something like the intro to this week's bonus episode. Plus: An Anon Op Ed saves the day by proclaiming that the author is good. Alex Jones picks on Marco Rubio in a bizarre fashion and a man electrocutes children to keep them off his lawn. Subscribe at Patreon.com/miniondeathcult
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| We begin our evening listening to two members of the senior management team at the advertising department of Skechers Footwear as they discuss the fallout of Nike's decision to use Colin Kaepernick as the face of their new ad campaign. | |
| God, what a disaster. | |
| Their stock price plummeted over two points. | |
| Literally two points! | |
| We gotta avoid this at all costs. | |
| What if we hire a conservative consultant to help us with our next ad? | |
| Okay, but who? | |
| We're liberal elites inside of our liberal bubbles. | |
| Where are we going to find a real American? | |
| Go to our Facebook page. | |
| Look at this guy's comment. | |
| Colt Wesson? | |
| Isn't that two types of guns? | |
| So, I've seen you shoot guns. | |
| Yeah, but I have a real name. | |
| My name isn't just guns. | |
| Okay, here's this comment. | |
| Where are the men in this Sketchers Twinkle Toes webisode? | |
| My God. | |
| He might be just who we need. | |
| Let's use that Facebook feature only corporations have access to, to see his other comments on other ads. | |
| Okay, uh, here he is in the comments on a Cheerios commercial. | |
| Why does the family eating Cheerios have to be black? | |
| It's obvious that the bee serving them is white. | |
| But if it were a black bee serving a white family, it would be racist. | |
| This has 3,000 likes. | |
| Look at his profile. | |
| He has 2.5 million followers. | |
| Let's look at his video. | |
| Democrats are the KKK! | |
| Wow, okay, he's really conservative. | |
| This is perfect, I guess? | |
| Hi, Mr. Wesson. | |
| Thanks for joining us. | |
| Sure. | |
| I'm just happy Sketchers is listening to Real America for a change. | |
| Right. | |
| We'd love your help in our next campaign. | |
| We just want to run what we have by you and get your reactions. | |
| Or reacts, as they would say on Facebook. | |
| So the first campaign is a series of shoe ads based around the slogan, a good soul is good for the soul. | |
| Okay. | |
| I like it. | |
| A little pun in there. | |
| That's good. | |
| And the face of this campaign would be Aretha Franklin. | |
| Nope. | |
| Absolutely not. | |
| But she's the queen of soul. | |
| Well, like queen of the damned. | |
| Wasn't that Aaliyah? | |
| The point is, when I hear soul, I don't think of Aretha Franklin. | |
| I think of the on-bone children. | |
| All those lost souls who made the ultimate sacrifice. | |
| They have souls, you know. | |
| Okay, um... | |
| Sure, uh, I guess we could try something with the word feet. | |
| Like fetus with two E's. | |
| Is this a joke? | |
| No, I mean... It should obviously be something like... They will not defeat us. | |
| Or just do a Christian soldier or something. | |
| Like a crusader. | |
| That would be dope. | |
| Someone who actually fought for the souls of man. | |
| Not some singer. | |
| You want a slogan for Aretha Franklin? | |
| Go with, I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. | |
| And then play that killer song over it? | |
| That's better than anything she ever did. | |
| Okay. | |
| Next ad. | |
| We've signed this young, championship archer. | |
| She's incredible. | |
| She's only 12, and she lost her right eye in a car accident, and still went on to win first prize at nationals. | |
| We're calling the campaign Brave. | |
| It's kind of on the nose with the Pixar movie, but that's also kind of what we're going for. | |
| We think we can get brave by the lawyers. | |
| What do you think? | |
| Brave? | |
| Who's brave is a soldier. | |
| An operator. | |
| A one-eyed archer isn't brave. | |
| You don't need two eyes. | |
| You close one of them to shoot anyway. | |
| I know a soldier who got his whole face ripped off. | |
| He'd be perfect for this. | |
| Or you know what? | |
| You know what's even better than a disfigured soldier? | |
| Better? | |
| A dead soldier. | |
| How is that better? | |
| We get Pat Tillman, by the rights from his parents, he was a soldier, an athlete, a real hero. | |
| Not some pre-teen Hunger Games girl, or some dirty anti-cop kneeler for that matter. | |
| What was that word? | |
| Kneeler! | |
| It means ignorant. | |
| Okay, let me just see if I'm understanding everything that's going on. | |
| You somehow think that buying the rights to the face of a dead soldier from his parents, a soldier that was anti-war, anti-Bush, and whose death was covered up and used for nationalistic propaganda, and then you think using this dead soldier's face to sell shoes would be more tasteful than literally anything else. | |
| Yep. | |
| If the campaign is brave, then it should be a soldier. | |
| Who's braver than a soldier? | |
| Okay, well... Like, soldiers are great, right? | |
| They're great American heroes. | |
| So, like, going by your logic, wouldn't every inspirational ad campaign just have to feature a soldier? | |
| Exactly! | |
| Or a cop. | |
| Okay, I'm just gonna shoot a bunch of ideas at you. | |
| You come right back with me with what immediately springs to mind. | |
| School backpack ad. | |
| Cop. | |
| Obviously. | |
| General street wear. | |
| Soldier on leave. | |
| Watch ad. | |
| Lady cop. | |
| Yoga pants. | |
| White woman killed by an undocumented immigrant. | |
| And there are at least two of those. | |
| You can use whichever one you like better. | |
| Alright, thanks so much for your time. | |
| It was amazing having you here. | |
| Hey, sure thing. | |
| Let's make advertising great again. | |
| Alright then. | |
| So what do you think? | |
| I think I'm Antifa now. | |
| I'm at least socialist. | |
| Possibly communist. |