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Feb. 14, 2018 - Minion Death Cult
01:19:57
New Friend (Blue Star Boy Spotlight)

This week we train our first-ever Blue Star Boy Spotlight on a top poster from the Deplorables facebook group, a man brimming with terrible posts and one very sad one. Also: Dilbert MCs a rap battle between MAGA dorks and Jay Z, and the results are spectacular. Please consider helping us out with a rating and a review in your apple podcast app, and tell a friend about the Cult.

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Time Text
Dude, we're the blue star boys on all time.
I wish.
I wish we could rise to this level.
I'm there.
I'm satirically there.
I'm not really there, but I pretend to be.
As long as the audience, like, thinks you're there and doesn't catch on that it's satire, we're good.
Oh, good.
Like, I want them to think we're authentically terrible people.
It's bad.
We're shitty.
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today.
So stay tuned.
We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when the storm gets us.
All their environmental stuff.
Stay tuned.
I'm Alexander Edward. - I don't know.
I'm Mountain Matt.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
And we got a special brand new feature on the show tonight.
We're still working on the title of this segment, but tentatively we are calling it a Blue Star Boy Spotlight.
Spotlight's on him.
And you may be familiar with previous Blue Star Boys.
What was his name?
Richard something?
Richard Cook.
Who won Blue Star Boy last week?
Yeah, a couple weeks ago.
The face?
Fuck, man.
The murderer?
The future Minion Death Cult t-shirt.
Yes.
The murderer man.
The murderer man.
Anyway.
Talk about rape.
Anyway, you're familiar with this concept, undoubtedly, of the Blue Star Boy.
It is the most terrible person in an episode.
It's an award we have recently been trying to give out.
Give credit where credit's due, of course.
And so, We found one, and we're calling it right now.
This is our Blue Star Boy for the episode.
Blue Star Bad!
No other boys need apply.
Yeah, because we're not taking you.
So, we'll be talking about this Blue Star Boy, and then we'll also have a palate cleanser, because of course the Blue Star Boy segment is going to be just full of disgusting and vile ideology.
But we gotta laugh at it.
We gotta try and laugh at it, too.
Gonna have to try and laugh at it.
Gonna try and have to mine a diamond out of that.
Gotta try and have to.
But we'll have a palate cleanser of the Twitter beef between Jay-Z and Donald Trump, which was emceed by Scott Adams of Dilbert fame.
So just a whole lot of psychology going in on that one.
It involves... I cannot believe this shit.
It involves MAGA Chuds attempting to rap.
It's gonna be a good segment.
That's gonna be a good one.
It'll be fun.
First off, do we have anything to say about the Super Bowl?
The Super Bowl just happened.
Matt was proven wrong.
I'm so fucking glad to.
Never happier to be wrong.
Dude, dethroned.
Fuck.
Tom Brady.
Fuck him.
And he's dead.
And so now, the Eagles.
He died but in no way related to any sort of threats you may have levied against him.
No, I didn't threaten him.
And any threats I ever make on this show are strictly Santa.
It's for the art.
It's for the art.
It's for your art.
It's an art.
And I do it, right?
But Super Bowl, okay.
But Tom Brady died, and now the Eagles are gonna be the new team that everyone pretends to be, always have been a fan of.
At least for a season.
And you know who plays for the Eagles, right?
Mark Wahlberg.
Mark Wahlberg.
Our favorite racist.
Yeah, and remember the Eagles.
That's a callback, buddy.
Callback.
Classic bit.
That's a bit.
I didn't watch the Super Bowl, but I did catch exactly one commercial, and I think it's probably the worst commercial that people saw.
It's the one you're thinking of, as I say this.
I made a sandwich and I was like, I got some downtime.
I'm going to go in and say hi to Gramps and watch the Super Bowl a little bit.
And you know, this black and white, I think it was black and white, this like black and white imagery.
Cinematic.
There were parts that were black and white.
Cinematic imagery and of course... There were definitely black and white things involved.
Yeah.
It was, you know, of course, the storied words of Martin Luther King coming out of the speakers, which I recognized instantly.
And then you were seeing images of hardworking men and women of all races, all creeds.
So I'm like, okay, this is like some milquetoast, like liberal, like happy Black History Month type bullshit, right?
And then I see a frame.
I see a shot.
On a single headlight of a vehicle and the way that this vehicle's headlight is being shot just makes me realize instantly that it's a car commercial.
There's no other medium where that shot appears other than a car commercial.
Well there's no headlight like a Dodge headlight.
That's a fact.
I think this was Dodge giving back to the black community for everything they've done.
That's it.
With their consumption of chargers.
That's it.
And challengers.
And I was just, I was like beside myself laughing at this commercial.
Oh yeah.
We were, the whole room that was watching the game that I was at, that was phrased wonderfully.
We all just looked at each other like, whoa, what the fuck?
I mean, we have an entire spectrum politically.
Trump supporters all the way to my fucking communist ass.
We all were just like, what the fuck?
This is bizarre.
It didn't sit right with anybody out there.
Anybody, no people.
It's like that Pepsi thing.
Yeah.
With Kylie Jenner.
Or whatever, whoever.
Whatever, whoever it was.
Jenner.
No, it's like the time that I was accidentally baited into liking a pro-life post on Instagram.
By your mom or what?
No, it was a picture of Martin Luther King Jr.
And so right away, it was a picture of Martin Luther King Jr., it's February, I'm black all year long, and so I had to like this picture of Martin Luther King Jr., and I did.
And then I got a DM saying, dog, I thought that you were like, the homie, I thought you were an ally, I thought that you were going to, why would you like this pro-life post?
And I was like, what are you talking about?
And it was a picture of him.
You gotta be careful.
And then pro-life words that were like, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
was pro-life, and I'm like, eh, he had his flaws.
You gotta be careful with MLK, dude, because he gets roped into some gnarly shit nowadays, you know?
Well, you know MLK.
MLK probably spearheaded the whole anti-Planned Parenthood thing, you know.
Planned Parenthood, as you know, is committing genocide against black people.
Right.
And that's when I care about black people the most, is when they don't exist yet.
That's when I'm real concerned about it.
But I felt like a fool.
See, I definitely read all the posts, even if the picture's tight, you never know what they're saying.
Yeah, you never know.
But yeah, it was a good game.
I actually thought it was a... Did you watch it, Tony?
Yeah, I had a funny experience because I watched the second half of it.
Because at first I wasn't going to watch it because I didn't watch football all season.
Because you know what?
Black people were protesting the NFL before the conservatives did.
Well, I mean, it's just like, it's white culture in a nutshell.
Basically, yeah.
You guys made it cool.
I heard so many people that were like, I'm not watching it.
They lost my viewership when they kneeled.
I heard so many people say that, but I was like, oh shit, do I gotta watch it now?
Hell yeah.
Do I gotta protest the protesters?
What's going on here?
Cool, let's get on to our first segment, which is our Blue Star Boy Spotlight.
First ever, inaugural edition, Blue Star Boy Spotlight.
It's Tom DeLong from Angels and Airwaves.
It is Tom Donnelly, whose name looks a lot like Tom DeLong from Angels and Airwaves fame.
To me it does.
He is also a very exceptional boy.
He could be one.
Oh, did you guys see the Matt Skiba thing?
Yeah.
Did I send that to you guys?
Yeah.
Matt Skiba, cop, defender.
Matt Skiba loves the cops.
So he does, huh?
Matt Skiba, professional cop, lover.
Professional cop lover.
Yeah, he's gonna suck some cop wiener.
Same thing, he was a leftist that got rich.
Now he's a libertarian who can afford his own private police force.
So, you know, they're good.
That's Alkaline Trio, right?
And Blink-182.
Oh yeah, fuck.
I'm just happy that now Tom Donnelly can listen to Alkaline Trio.
And it's part of his culture.
Yeah, so we're gonna cover like a spectrum of takes with Tom Donnelly.
Normally we try to hew to a topic, you know, revolve around a specific topic.
That topic tonight is Tom Donnelly.
And so we're gonna get Tom Donnelling's feelings in a whole host of ways.
I think we're Tom Donnellings and we're, you know, we're his underlings.
I'm gonna try to Donnelling Tom Donnelly today.
Donnellings are his fan base.
Yeah, totally.
Thank you.
What I want to say real quick about Tom Donnelly is that he's clearly the highest caliber Facebook word artist that I've ever seen.
Yeah, Tom Donnelly came to my attention from the Deplorables groups.
See, I mean, you know, we call these boys our Blue Star Boys as an homage to, like, the Fox News comment section because, you know, the best posters in the Fox News comment section gets little stars next to their names, little blue stars.
Yeah, and we appropriated it.
And we appropriated that for our own purposes, made it even cooler than it was before.
Hell yeah.
But this dude is like that equivalent in the Deplorables group, you know.
So we're giving him his honorary star today, even though Facebook has no such blue star feature.
Do you want to go over how similar Tom Donnelly looks to your dad, Matt?
Yeah, he's the blonde version of my dad.
He's a little more skinny than my dad.
Well, you gotta maybe explain what your dad looks like in order to compare him to the listener.
My dad is 93% Polack Jewish.
Long hair, thinning on top, wears gold rings and, I mean, like, what is it?
Black Hills gold rings.
Like, he loves Black Hills, South Dakota gold or whatever.
Okay, that sounds like a thing your dad would love.
I mean, that's the thing these types of folks like.
That's something I didn't know existed, but it just fits so well.
That's something I might want to get into.
Check it out, man.
and uh he you know he wears like he's an aging rocker aging rocker dude he's ario speedwagon's his favorite band um you know and this guy's favorite band is probably ario speedwagon too this guy's hair is sick he looks like my dad except a little skinnier um he's a surfer though like his archetype is like a surfer he's he's like a uh like a shaggy burnout surfer dude who i think I think maybe Huntington Beach or something?
Venice possibly?
He's gotta be from Orange County.
He's got a, well Venice Beach is, no that's LA.
I think he's from Huntington, but anyway.
He's got a real, I don't know, dirty vibe about him.
He's gross looking dude.
He looks crunchy.
Crusty.
Okay.
First post.
First word art.
Tom Donnelly and the Deplorables group.
Wow.
Somebody had to apply some kind of pressure on women to have sex or none of us would be sitting here talking about it.
Wow.
So this is like a hot take in December 17th, probably related to the Me Too campaign.
This take is so hot that it's like, like, like overcooked.
Hey, somebody had to rape my mom or else how would I be here?
This is just so, he's an old man who is like, if we don't make them get horny, they don't do it.
You have to force the horny on them.
I don't think horniness even enters into the picture.
Like, this is just like... If they don't satiate his horniness, no one's going to.
No, it's just like, women naturally do not want to have sex with me.
Yeah.
So how is it supposed to happen without some sort of pressure?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which I mean he's obviously an asshole because he has beautiful hair.
This is like the same kind of argument that like people make for like cheating on your girlfriend or like having a bunch of mates like I bet you like he's probably owning it back to like caveman shit like you know like yeah you know a guy a guy caveman bopped a girl caveman on the head took back her cave and
You know, and then like guys that cheat on their spouses are like, you know, I'm predisposed to, you know, to just an animal.
Yeah.
I'm just, I'm just a caveman.
Sorry.
Yeah.
I mean, I think we can learn a lot from cavemen.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
We can learn a lot about what not to do.
Clayton Glover comments.
What if Eve had an abortion?
LOL.
Right?
What if?
Oh, fuck.
And then Tom Donnelly says, Ick!
LOL.
That'd be gross, dude.
If Eve aborted Jesus.
Yucky.
If Eve aborted Jesus.
Like, think about how much, like, more filth there would be in the world.
Yeah, like, if that's what happened, What would the world be like?
We'd be living in like a bloody serpent ridden wasteland.
Yeah, it would be gross.
It'd be gross, dude.
Tom Donnelly's responses to a lot of these threads is just like one word like, yeah!
Well, he knows how to keep a thread going.
Because that's what you have to do to bump it in Facebook, is you comment.
That's what gets it bumped.
And so he's, like, making sure to reply to almost every comment.
But most of his replies are one word, and it's... That's all you need.
That's all Facebook needs.
He's Zach-ly Cam.
That's why he's a blue star boy.
Zach-ly Cam.
Zach-ly Cam.
It's a Zach-ly Cam.
Kevin Williams says, warning, do not out several peanuts in your mouth before reading this.
Mine just flew out, lol.
Lol.
That's really gross, dude.
You're gross.
Tom Donnelly says, score!
LOL.
Okay.
He's like, ha!
I made you!
Let's make a spit take!
Michael King says, caution, beware, flying peanut area.
These are children, right?
These are children, right?
Warning, first few rows in front of the keyboard may get a little peanutty.
He's like, Gallagher's up there, like, smashing peanuts, making peanut butter.
Gary Oliver Cromwell says all sex will be outlawed except homosexual.
Which, what is he responding to there?
Just his own thought, you know.
Well, because women don't want sex, and they're slowly getting more power, and once they finally get all the power, they'll be able to outlaw it.
Only homosexual sex would be legal.
They'll have their sex dick robots, and then the only actual sex that will be allowed is the sex that won't procreate.
Gary Oliver replies to his own post, or his own comment.
Read A Brave New World.
Crappy novel, but it's revealing.
Here's a hot take.
Here's a hot take.
Classic novel, Brave New World.
Edited Eldis Huxley.
Terrible writer.
Famous for no reason.
But it's revealing.
Whoa.
Eric Sims, who's my supervisor at work.
Is it really?
It's my supervisor's name.
Okay.
Says, huh?
Huh?
That's an appropriate response.
That's an acceptable response to this post about, uh, yeah, God.
Okay.
But this is like, let's go back to the original, while I'm scrolling through these comments, let's go back to the original meme.
Like, the idea behind this, this is like, I mean, this is on the face of it.
Like, we were talking about incel shit last week.
That's exactly what this is.
Like, women have to be pressured into sex, and because of the sort of power imbalance that exists now, according to these people, between men and women, I no longer have the power to pressure women into having sex with me.
And that's why I'm not getting laid.
Yeah.
This is like a very, uh, powerful statement that he's making.
Yeah.
It's very revealing.
Revealing, projecting.
It just, or I guess it's projecting, projecting it onto the internet.
Like imagine, imagine going to a public forum with thousands of people just to announce your inability to get laid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And be really gross about it.
You have to be stupid as fuck.
You know, maybe Tom Donnelly just needs to find somebody else that shares his enthusiasm for living in a van.
Because I feel like he lives in a van by the beach.
Yeah.
He lives in a van.
Which is a sick life.
Mike Gaffney says, a lot of women love sex and really enjoy and gotta have it.
Tom Donnelly says, usually on their terms.
Not on my terms.
Once again, how come it's only rape when they don't want it?
Yeah.
Usually when they want to have sex with me, it's not the way I want them to have sex with me because I have that problem too.
I don't think he has that problem.
Dude, this is a crazy thread.
Yeah, should we move on?
Yeah, let's move on.
His hottest take, well not his hottest take, my favorite one is the one though.
Which one?
He has like four we're going to go over.
Something like that.
This one?
This one, this one.
You want to read this one?
Oh, yeah, I didn't get any of these comments.
In case you guys are wondering if Tom Delaney was a little soy boy, he's absolutely not.
Fuck no.
Yeah, in case you were wondering whether or not he was only misogynistic and, like, rapey, rest assured, there's more to this boy.
No, he's well-rounded.
He's well-rounded in awfulness.
Next post.
Why don't you go ahead and read it to us, Tony?
Lift that mic up a little bit.
There you go.
I saw a black man praying Muslim style on the beach.
I raised my middle finger and yelled, fuck Islam, fuck Mohammed.
A wumpa Muslim style.
I want Muslim style burrito.
He really told him.
He's like, this is so bold.
Do you think this really happened?
Absolutely not.
No.
I saw a black man praying Muslim style.
Muslim style.
On the beach.
I raised my middle finger.
I feel like that's like, raised my middle finger.
I feel like that's a Kid Rock lyric or something.
Ring my middle finger and yell, fuck Islam!
Fuck Mohammed!
Fuck Mohammed.
Fuck Islam and fuck Mohammed.
Oh, did we not read that part yet?
No, we did.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, Tony read it all.
I'm confused by this guy's Facebook.
That's all.
Disoriented, to say the least.
But he's not the only one telling the Muslims how it is.
Like, how does he know the guy was praying?
Well, maybe he was, like, making a sandcastle.
He was just on his hands and knees, building a sandcastle.
Or, like, he was like, get that prayer rug shit out of here!
And the dude's like, it's a fucking beach towel.
It's a goddamn beach towel.
I bet if he did do this, he was, like, A football field lengths down the fucking beach, like... You know.
Then there's some other guy out there right now who's saying like, yeah, I was just digging for sand crabs.
This guy came up to me and yelled at me.
Flipped me off some crazy bum.
It was really insane.
Some gross, greasy bum.
It was all crunchy.
You really stuck it to ices right here though, Tom.
Almir P says, should've done the bacon dance.
And if you're wondering what the fuck is the bacon dance, well it's a real, actual dance that exists, at least in this one gif that Almir has saved, which is a sexy piece of bacon in a bikini, wiggling inside of a frying pan.
Like, it's a thick piece of bacon, thick cut, two C's.
And a green bikini.
A two-piece bikini.
Picture a scene in Flubber where Flubber does a sexy hula dance.
That's what we're getting.
This does remind me of Flubber so much.
The animation is very similar.
It's just a piece of bacon that somebody has warped it to make.
They didn't even animate it.
This is the sexiest piece of bacon I've ever seen though.
That's true.
And that's coming from a vegan.
Yeah, I was gonna ask you what your feelings are about this GIF.
Oh, I mean, it's, it's... I'll tell you, this is, my thoughts aren't vegan right now.
You have some... I have some non-vegan thoughts.
You have some impure thoughts?
I have some weird vet-ish... Vet-ish?
There's some vet-ish going on.
I'm a vegan and my kink is just bacon.
Oh, someone's made that joke and I hate it, I'm sure.
Oh, yeah.
Do you just lick it and that's it?
I mean, this is like... I just watch it dance.
Oh.
Whether you're a vegan, or a Muslim, or a meat eater, you can't deny... I don't know, I've lost my train of thought.
I don't know what I was going to say.
I call Denny's the strip club.
Bacon strip club.
This is like an epic piece of bacon.
You know what I'm saying?
It's an epic piece.
This is like a super chill piece of bacon.
I love flubber bacon so much, dude.
It's crazy you you said that and I swear to God I felt that when I saw it earlier today or yesterday It's a very specific type of animation and I just you It is this the way the little like nubs are on the bacon looks like arms.
Uh-huh Yeah, it looks like one arm at the head and the other arm down at the side little sassy little sassy Anthropomorphic Anthropomorphic bacon dance.
Yeah, that is my new fetish.
Anthropomorphic bacon gifts.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, I love this.
Should have done the bacon dance.
That's stupid.
Because we're all, like, this is America, baby, and we love bacon so much that there's a dance where you just do a normal dance, pretty much, but we all know that to mean the bacon dance.
You should have danced sexy at this guy while you flipped him off and told him to fuck And that would have offended him as a Muslim because anything bacon related is like kryptonite to these people.
It's true.
They're not allowed to see it.
Like if you do the bacon dance in front of that Muslim, he's going to hell.
Do your part.
If you're holding bacon and dancing in a homoerotic fashion, you are offending a lot of Muslims, so yeah, go for it.
You wanna read this meme?
Oh yeah, I love this meme.
The rebuttal to this clearly racist post is a meme I've never seen before, but it's Jan, right?
It's Jan from the Brady Bunch having a whiny face on, and it says, all the liberals know is, racist, racist, racist, and it's like...
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Yeah, it's good.
I like it.
It's really funny, dude.
Like, because she's like blonde and blue-eyed, so that's perfect.
She's also like red-faced and crying.
Yeah, that is... And this is a great avatar for the right wing.
Yeah, I want one of like Michelle from Full House going, you bigot, dude!
And like a thumbs up.
Yeah, for sure.
It's just, it's that same thing we hear all the time that is, We're being racist, and they're calling us racist for being racist, and that's annoying.
Racist?
Racist?
Like, what else?
What are some other classic TV shows that we could apply to this meme?
Oh, man.
Fucking... Maybe... All in the Family?
Or... Okay.
Yeah.
What were you gonna say?
Um... Do I hate blacks?
Oh, yes!
Yes!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Urkel?
Urkel's in the new Clint Eastwood movie.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
Yeah, but he's like Stefan, right?
Yes.
Fuck yeah.
I love Stefan.
Stefan is in the new Clint Eastwood movie.
Those are fun episodes.
Speaking of racist connections with Urkel... What is Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed could just be like...
I'm a KKK horse.
It's just a picture of him showing his teeth.
It says, I'm a KKK horse.
We can make that meme and it could be a troll meme and throw it on Deplorables.
You flip it, you find a KKK horse and you write Wilbur next to it.
It was Wilbur the name of I think it was Wilbur.
Wilbur.
Could be way off there.
Isn't it Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed is the name of the horse.
Yeah, Mr. Ed's the name of the horse.
But I think he did say Wilbur.
Oh, that was his catchphrase?
Yeah.
It's just like, it's a good catchphrase.
It's like saying gadzooks.
Are you sure you're not thinking of, uh, wasn't the pig in Charlotte's Web?
Yes.
Wilbur?
Yes.
I actually watched Charlotte's Web today.
That's actually probably it.
Yeah.
I actually watched Tiger Swap today.
Did you?
Yeah.
Is that what it is?
Man, with that... That happens.
With that Muslim praying on the beach, you should've walked by and dropped some pig next to him.
You know what I'm saying?
That's really some pig.
Some pig.
Not just some pig, okay?
I love how that, like, just a, some pig, like this is some pig, like that was just a glowing review of this pig.
It's a clear sign.
Some pig.
How, why did they think the pig was so great if it was a fucking spiderweb that said it?
Like, these people lack- Mastery of the spiders?
That's a pretty quick property.
Yeah, the spiderweb was saving the pigs.
But he's saying, why should the pig get credit for the spider's work?
Because the pig is so sick that the spider acknowledged it.
The pig represents your boss at work, your manager, the CEO, who gets all the credit for the spider's work.
It's an allegory.
So it's like Animal Farm?
No, no, no.
It's completely different.
Uh, there's only one pig in this one.
Oh.
Um, okay, there was another... Angie Wilfrid Klein again?
Oh, Tom Donnelly reposted that all liberals know is racist, racist, racist meme because he sucks at this.
Yeah, he reposted the meme in the same comment thread.
He's like, ditto.
Stealing this, maybe you get some sort of bump if you post an image instead of a comment.
It would have been real cool if he replied to that meme.
I like Angie's meme though.
The LM AO, but the A is Obama's head.
Oh yeah, she comes in with a meme.
LM Obama's head O.
Which is really confusing because it looks like L-M-O-O, but Tony, you explained to us that Obama is the ass in the Laughing My Ass Off.
Man, which is so dumb.
And see, this is why conservatives are superior to the left, is because they'll acknowledge that Obama was their ass at one point.
Liberals won't say, oh, Trump is my ass.
They'll say, not my ass, but with Obama, they'll embrace that ass.
Yeah, they know what's up.
And they're also great at word problems.
It just seriously looks like Elmoo.
Which I thought was maybe like Michelle, a Mooshell thing.
It looked like a title card for a show, like a cartoon.
Yeah, well, I see that a lot.
I see like a Jackass coming through the Mary Melodies circles and it's like Democrats.
Oh, that's good What's the there was a couple more that I wanted?
Tom Donnelly shared a post that says it's simple If you can't stand your ass up and applaud a 12 year old who honored 40,000 dead Americans You're not fit for office And so I had to sort of piece together some things to figure out what the fuck this is referring to.
Yeah, because I was very, very lost.
Me too.
So I didn't watch the State of the Union address because I have some sort of respect for myself.
And your time.
And didn't I call it?
You guys got to give me some credit for calling exactly what was going to happen.
Nothing cool.
It was going to be fucking boring and low energy and... Low energy!
Sad!
Yeah, it was gonna be Trump reading from a piece of paper for much longer than I even anticipated.
I thought he'd be out of there in 45 minutes, but it was like almost two hours or something.
Jesus.
Yeah, no thanks.
Teleprompter.
The FBI has been microdosing him with soy, making him docile.
It's the only way they can keep him under control.
So, apparently what happened is Trump shouted out a 12-year-old boy Who, according to this meme, I, you know, this is the only citation I have here, but according to this meme, put 40,000 flags on the graves of dead Americans.
Dead soldiers, I guess?
I don't know.
It says dead Americans, but I think it's dead soldiers.
I'm assuming so.
No, he just went to a couple graveyards and just laid them down on every side.
They wanted to fly him to Europe, but he refused.
Yeah.
He said, no way, Jose.
Not doing it.
Only Americans.
This is the kid that your mom gave your Christmas present to, right, Tony?
Yeah.
Basically.
Yeah.
Well, not my Christmas present.
I got a Christmas present from her.
I just like calling it your Christmas present.
Well, I have to big up, because she got me a pretty cool Christmas present.
Okay, all right.
Um, but yeah, no, she got all of my family basically this, a wreath and like a flag.
She did a wreath for Christmas, but same concept.
Yeah, so he, this, I think it's the same thing, yeah.
But I think this kid did it for free.
Like, he just went around, 40,000 fucking flags.
That's costing money, dude.
I'm sorry, but that is like such a waste of time.
There's so many cool things you can do.
For vets, even.
Like, this, like this kid's dad made him do this or something.
Yeah.
This is his Eagle Scout project.
It's even crazier than an Eagle Scout project because it's 40,000.
About a kid planting flags on 40,000 veterans' graves.
I'm like, okay, this is probation.
This kid, like, whipped his dick out in class or something, and now he's on probation.
It doesn't seem real.
It doesn't seem feasible.
So Trump mentioned this kid.
Trump loves, like, free labor from children, basically.
Like, he had that kid mow his White House lawn.
You remember that?
Like some kid was like, Trump I love you, I wanna mow your lawn bro.
And Trump brought him down to the White House and, like, micromanaged the kid's lawn mowing.
Like, hovered over him while he mowed the fucking White House lawn.
That is cool.
Teaching him work ethic.
It was a Mexican kid?
Or what?
No way.
It wasn't an illegal Mexican person?
No, this kid didn't get paid for it.
He's fucking stupid.
So this is a very similar thing this 12 and it wasn't even like related to Trump as far as I know like I did literally no research on this because I could not fucking care less about it but It wasn't associated with Trump.
It's just a Trump thing to say this kid's name during the State of the Union address.
Like, shout out to the 12-year-old who could have been feeding the homeless, but instead he was putting pieces of cloth on fucking moldering corpses.
Okay, cool.
How much is a flag?
A flag is like $25, you know?
Imagine all the meals he could buy.
Dude, I guarantee it was like a little fucking stick, like paper flag that he just shoved into the ground and moved on.
Toothpick.
This is a burger.
$40,000 is such a huge number.
That's so much time.
From a party store.
Yeah, this is a bad, this is a waste of time is what this is.
So, Trump just said this kid's name during the State of the Union Address and like, You may have heard on the last episode, I caught the chyron of the Fox News alert that was, it was breaking news that Democrats refused to stand when Trump touted the tax cut benefits.
Like this is how psychopathic, not even psychopathic, like how infantilizing our politics are.
Trump said something good and the Democrats refused to stand.
Not my politics man.
Trump said the name of a random fucking 12 year old and the Democrats refused to stand.
I bet you if like If the kid was there and they brought him up to the stage and handed him a medal, I think they would have stood.
But I think because it was just part of a whole speech, you're not going to sit up and down, up and down, this isn't fucking mass.
You know, just get through it.
I don't care if I loved what he said, I'm not fucking standing every time he says something good.
No, this is not the normal realm of politics.
Not with these knees.
It's like people...
Throughout history, millions and millions of people have literally died for their politics, died for what they believed in, some good, some awful, including modern day veterans, people who lived through war, who went to war, you know, maybe they got drafted, maybe it wasn't their choice, but they still, like, Recognize the fact that they were about to die for a political cause, possibly, you know?
Hopefully.
And we're talking about whether or not somebody stood up at a specific moment in a fucking boring, milquetoast, State of the Union address?
Yeah, dude.
Like, we're so spoiled.
We're so fucking spoiled with how this is what we choose to talk about.
This is what we're griping over?
Also, uh...
If, so the meme posits a statement, not only is it saying Democrats are bad because they, like, and I imagine the Democratic response to this is like, well I'll stand when Trump gives me something to stand for.
Like their response is definitely just as fucking corny as this shit is.
Like standing means nothing, like stop pretending like it's a meaningful gesture.
It's empty.
Yeah, it's like, well, yeah, maybe if they give enough grants to charter schools in the inner cities, then I'll stand for it.
Well, if you desensitize us enough to kneeling and standing, we're going to, you know, just like, or maybe not desensitize it, focus on it enough.
We're just going to, you know, understand that that's the only way you can respond to any kind of political, you know, political speech or anything.
Yeah, definitely.
I mean, this is how you do politics, is you either stand or you kneel.
It's a binary choice.
It's like, you know, you turn the switch to A or B or you stand or kneel.
It's a much easier way of doing things.
Like, and then you don't even have to check the voting rolls.
You don't even have to check how your representative voted in whatever piece of legislation, which is like way too complicated to look at.
You actually just have sensors in the seats at football games.
Yeah.
And if the seat is down, that's a no vote.
If they're up, it's a yes vote.
So they have to kneel on the seat, though, to keep it down.
Right.
Absolutely.
They have to get up and hold the seat down as they get up and turn around and then kneel facing backwards because that's the most comfortable way to kneel in the seat.
In order to not get shot by the guards in the XFL security towers.
No, and speaking of XFL, we're tying a lot back to last weekend.
This is all one big tapestry, buddy.
We're weaving a grand work for the audience.
But yeah, so the statement, the logical statement that this meme is positing is if you can't stand your ass up and applaud a 12 year old who honored 40,000 dead Americans, you're not fit for office.
So this is like, once again, much like the NFL, much like the XFL, there is a prerequisite to whether or not you can join our organization and it depends on whether or not you stand every time Trump says something good.
Or whether you stand if a certain piece of music is playing.
And so I feel like they should just start another Congress.
Start the XSA.
The Extreme States of America.
And only standers allowed.
The Extreme States Assembly.
Like, I mean, you know, they tried it much like the XFL.
They tried it briefly in the past with the CSA.
Didn't work out.
You know, things got muddied up.
They didn't have a great plan for it.
People weren't that interested in it.
This is the second go-around.
Let's do it again.
Let's give it a shot.
Okay, so should we move on to the final Tom Donnelly?
Oh yeah!
Just very wholesome, very revealing.
Just so you know what a fucking dork this guy really actually is.
He's a dork my dad would also like all these things that that Tom Donnelly's posted My dad would would do all this shit So the post is on Tom Donnelly's page.
It's two photos.
I can't wait to hear how you describe this one.
Oh, well now there's pressure on it.
I'll put the pressure on you.
The caption is, new friend.
And the picture on the left is him, Tom Donnelly, in a supermarket apparently.
It's the Trader Joe's, I think.
Okay, yeah, it's the Trader Joe's.
That sounds right.
Yeah, for sure.
Look at the butternut squash soup there in the end cap.
Yeah, it's Trader Joe's for sure.
Trader Joe's is like, is that nationwide?
Yes.
Is that a national chain?
I think so, yeah.
It's from here to New York for sure.
Okay.
It's like a, you know, like a bougie sort of grocery, like a... Something between Whole Foods and regular grocery store.
Whole Foods is national for sure, right?
Yeah, Whole Foods is way more expensive than Trader Joe's.
Trader Joe's is affordable.
Shop there, it's okay.
So it's Tom Donnelly standing in this, somebody else has taken this picture of him and he's he's wearing like a light blue like a sky blue plaid short sleeve button-up shirt and standing right next to him is a another middle-aged white man in a very similar Light blue, plaid, button-up, short-sleeved shirt.
Very similar.
Not the same, but like 95% similar.
Similar enough.
You know what I mean?
It's like a shirt your toddler cousin would wear on Easter Sunday.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's the shirt your mom puts you in for picture day.
Yeah.
When you're five to seven.
But it's also, I think part and parcel with the Boomer uniform.
So basically what this post is telling us is that Tom Donnelly went to Trader Joe's and saw a man in a slightly similar shirt as him and made a friend.
Just made a friend by that and took a picture of him, took a picture with him, forced him to take a picture, and then the next picture on the side is him following that man away from the photographer.
A candid picture of it, yeah.
It reminds me of that painting, I don't know, where I know it from is Goodfellas, where Joe Pesci's character's mother paints, they go to her house after fucking stabbing the shit out of that one dude that just got out of prison, and Joe Pesci's old mother has this painting of two dogs on a boat.
Facing two different directions.
And with an old guy on the boat too.
But that's what they look like to me.
They're artistically facing two different directions.
They kind of are like two dogs that just made friends with each other inside the Trader Joe's.
And now they're gonna go walk away and explore the store together.
Back to the first picture real quick though.
I just love the way the friend is looking over his shoulder at him.
Not quite invested in the photograph.
Not as invested as Tom.
I feel like he's invested in the sense that he's got his sleeve up to Tom's sleeve, and they're comparing plaid, and he's like, hmm.
He gets real pretty close.
Okay, so he's posing a little bit.
He's got a thing going.
Oh, but what's crazy is Tom Donnelly's posing too.
Tom Donnelly's throwing up a peace sign.
Right.
And my dad does that too.
A blurry peace sign.
It's blurry because the peace is so enthusiastic.
Peace, so long as you're not a black Muslim playing on the beach.
So crazy that does not cross his head my dad My dad throws the peace sign up like that to like the reason why it's blurry is because he's like it's moving forward like Like that's exactly how my dad throws the peace sign like at you Like pointed kind of like the fingers pointing kind of at you that's very like authoritarian piece.
Yeah, it's weird on the peace sign at you It's just crazy how this is my dad.
Catch!
I love the psychology behind this.
As we've seen in this episode, Tom Donnelly is a divisive figure.
He's got a lot of strong opinions.
He feels a lot of ways about stuff.
You're a real jerk.
I can imagine that he's isolated himself from most of his family at this point.
I can imagine that he's separated from a wife.
I didn't see a woman in any of these pictures on his... No.
Which is fine, you know, he could be a man going his own way.
That's actually great, because that means there's not some poor woman being forced Tom on to her.
That's true.
You're lonely, basically, is what I'm saying.
You go to Trader Joe's and then finally, finally somebody who, like, I have something in common with.
Someone who gets you.
My dad's lonely too.
But I love this like... It's a sad, sad man.
Who's like...
Same shirt.
New friend.
Hey, same shirt.
Hey, same politics?
Uh, maybe?
I mean, isn't that a Sarah Silverman sketch?
Same car.
Same car.
Like, this is that sketch.
We're friends.
We're in a club together.
You have a PT Cruiser, too?
Oh, cool.
This is, like, less substantial than when in third grade I looked at this other kid's lunchbox and it had a picture of Green Day on it.
And I was like, oh shit, Green Day.
Like, this is that, except it's, oh shit, blue shirt.
Yeah.
Jamie Floor Couch says, brother from another mother.
I love that.
Which, yeah.
Brothers of the blue cloth.
Brothers of the Fruit of the Loom.
Brotherhood of the Traveling Polos.
The Old Navy Sisterhood.
Wait, you already did that joke.
Yeah.
Whatever, yours is better.
Whatever, yours is better!
Um, and I just thought, like, these, they're just all simple, stupid, classic!
Classic.
Twins.
This is a classic event?
But is it like, is the picture the classic thing?
The picture, the, the, the calling, saying, I found a new friend that has the same shirt as me is classic.
You know how, you know how you'd be walking in the supermarket and you see someone with a similar shirt on?
And you force, and you force them to take a picture with you?
Come on!
I'm gonna put it on my Facebook.
I'm really confused how he got the second picture when we're walking away.
I guarantee you another stranger is taking this picture.
And that's why the second picture is so bad.
He took a picture of us?
And then he added this other person on Facebook, and that's how he got these pictures.
Fuck yeah, dude.
He was all like, oh, can you take a picture of me?
And they were like, yeah, sure.
And they went to grab his phone, and he was all, no, with your phone, and then I'll add you on Facebook.
I'll add you to my mailing list, and then we'll trade from there.
I'll send you bars of soap that I make in my van down by the beach.
Made of human flesh.
And then what's the other one?
Twins?
Twins!
Twins!
One, two twins!
And we're twins!
Cute.
Cute's my favorite.
To me, cute is just like... It is so cute.
If you didn't know anything about Tom Donnelly, this would be a wholesome ass... It would be sad.
It would still be very sad, but at least it would be wholesome and maybe tinged with hope.
Not with Tom.
But satirically speaking, I would love to punch Tom in the face in this picture, and the other guy that's in it, just by association.
I almost feel bad for the other guy because what if the other guy's like not at all down with Tom?
He doesn't know what he's attached himself to.
He has no clue that he's officially a white supremacist.
He's shopping at Trader Joe's for his soy milk and this guy says we're twins.
Alright, let's move on to the next segment, which is... Do we have a catchy name for this segment?
It's the... Oh, dude, it's the fucking beef, bro!
It's the Jay-Z, Van Jones, CNN, Trump, Twitter beef.
It's the fat beef.
That's catchy, right?
Yeah, it's like a giant Arby's beef sandwich.
Sugar fingers turn to Twitter fingers on this one.
That's right, though.
So, Tony let us in on this story, which is about Trump was interviewed by CNN correspondent, CNN senior hip-hop correspondent, Van Jones.
Okay.
Because he's black, right?
Obviously.
Well, because he's interviewing Jay-Z.
So he's the hip-hop correspondent.
He's the guy.
He's the guy to go to.
The black man.
Him and Martin Luther King's daughter.
What's her name?
Van Jones is definitely their ally.
The one who's always on Fox News.
Martin Luther Princess.
No, I was good.
I laughed.
I was just shaking my head at myself.
Tony hipped us to this.
It's a couple weeks old, but it's so hot.
Basically, Jay-Z was interviewed on CNN talking about how he doesn't like Trump.
Maybe I'll plug in a clip here.
Just to give him a little bit of credit, too, let me ask you this.
He is somebody who's now saying, look, I'm dropping black unemployment.
Black people are doing well under my administration.
Does he have a point that maybe the Democrats have been giving us good lip service but no jobs?
Maybe he's going to say terrible things but put money in our pocket.
Does that make him a good leader?
No, because it's not about money at the end of the day.
Money doesn't equate to, like, happiness.
It doesn't.
That's not missing the whole point.
We treat people like human beings.
And then, you know, that's the main point.
You can't treat someone like... It goes back to the whole thing.
You're going to treat me really bad and pay me well.
It's not going to lead to happiness.
It's going to lead to, like, you know...
Again, same thing.
Everyone's going to be sick.
The interview is bad.
Did you watch it?
Yeah.
At least the clip that Van Jones posted to Twitter?
Yeah.
I got the highlights.
It's like just this one clip that's the focus of this segment.
Van Jones poses a question to Jay-Z saying, well, black unemployment is at historically low levels.
Why don't you like Trump?
Doesn't Trump deserve credit?
This is Van Jones being the pragmatic centrist that he is and that CNN has come to be known for.
Jay-Z's response is, well that doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter that black people are doing great under Trump, which we all know is true.
That's just demonstrably true that black people are doing wonderfully under Trump.
What's a cause and effect thing?
And so we move right past that and Jay-Z says, because it's not about money.
Black people don't care about money.
It's about That maybe the Democrats have been giving us good lip service but no job.
Like, we don't like Trump because he's a bad person.
It's like, okay, sure.
That's one reason not to like Trump, of course.
But yeah, the exact quote is just like, it's not about money.
Let's listen to it. - That maybe the Democrats have been giving us a good lip service but no job.
Maybe he's done a good, say terrible things, but put money in our pocket.
Does that make sense? - Does Trump have a, doesn't Trump get credit for how well black people are doing?
It's just an accepted fact that black people are doing great and it's just a matter of who gets credit for this.
He hasn't personally shot a black person yet, so shouldn't we give him that?
Yes, it's true that Democrats have only been paying lip service to the black community.
Yes, that's true.
That doesn't mean that Trump did anything good.
Yeah.
Because it's not about money at the end of the day.
Money doesn't equate to happiness.
It doesn't.
That's not missing the whole point.
Just because black people are rich now doesn't mean they're happy.
Yeah.
Exactly.
He has a point saying you treat people like human beings.
Yeah.
The dude is just practicing it all wrong.
This is what happens when you get a fucking multi-millionaire in to talk about money issues or politics.
Who's probably going to run for president in 2020.
I mean, isn't everybody going to fucking... Dude, hope 2020.
Isn't every fucking... They're all gonna run.
Absolutely.
Every celebrity is gonna run in 2020.
Will Ferrell's gonna run.
Yeah, it's gonna be fucked.
It's gonna be hilarious.
It's gonna be a great HBO doc about it.
We're like human beings.
And then, you know, that's the main point.
You can't treat someone like... It goes back to the whole thing.
You're gonna treat me really bad and pay me well.
Nope.
That's not what's happening.
He's treating black people badly and they're not getting paid well.
So that's the gist of what the battle's about.
I do want to step in for Hove.
I feel like maybe he was trying to be soft about it.
He was being soft about it.
He was trying not to have a hot take.
And I feel like he should have just gone like, well, listen, we're still being gunned down every day.
So until that's not happening, maybe we can have these other conversations.
But he went soft on it, I feel like.
Went very soft.
He's trying to be reasonable, which is stupid.
We can't do that anymore.
He's not a class traitor.
He's not going to go against the millionaire class and talk about how wages are actually very low.
He's not going to do any of these things.
So yeah, you're right.
But yeah, it would have been nice to talk about specific instances of how black people are not being treated so great.
But yeah, why ask him in the first place?
That's the point.
You don't need to ask this fucker.
You fucking asshole, Van Jones.
Take him down the rabbit hole real fast.
There's a lot of facets to this.
So Trump had a response to this on Twitter and then our boy Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, who is a
Did like all-in for Trump total psychopath for Trump crazy total like men's rights pickup artist hypnotist for Trump If you haven't looked into what Scott Adams politics are like check it out Scott Adams is fucking nuts King neckbeard He's like yeah, he's he's a leader among men going their own way.
Yeah sure it's like I couldn't find this but I swear to god he did a blog post where he had like a dystopian futuristic fantasy about how Obama wasn't going to ever relinquish the presidency and we would be looking toward a future of roving gangs of thugs
As who were part of the Obama patrol rounding up the last white people who like huddled in basements and I couldn't find this post but I definitely remember reading this in like 2014 or something years and years ago.
So, if you weren't your mind blown, listen to the Sam Harris podcast with him on it.
Those two talking is fantastic.
Oh man, a meeting of the minds.
Yes, it's fantastic.
I can't imagine coming away from that not with 30...
Point higher IQ.
To make things clear, to not confuse Scott Adam with Adam Scott.
Two different people.
Yeah, I'm joking.
Not the Parks and Recs guy.
No.
It's really unfortunate.
That has been confused before.
And I mean, you know, if you listen to like, You Talking U2 To Me, Adam Scott does go by Scott in that podcast.
It's Scott and Scott.
Yeah.
So the mistake is understandable.
Exactly.
So Scott Adams recognized that some of the words in Trump's response tweet rhymed and put out a call for people to then wrap the Trump response back to Jay-Z.
Oh no.
That's what this article is all about.
That's what this segment is all about.
And it's a real awkward way they make it rhyme.
You know, I like that they respected Jay-Z enough to bring it to him in his own court, you know?
Right, you gotta put it in the right medium.
I just wanna say, like, I'm not...
I never gave Scott Adams that much credit, but I was a casual reader of comics, you know, newspaper comics, and there's a good Dilbert comic in there, you know, a couple times a year, and basically, like, the premise of Dilbert is that management is terrible, and that they're all jackasses who failed their way to their positions And the comic is all about suffering under these fools.
Which is super true.
Which is very true and insanely ironic that he would put all his weight behind the biggest success fail chud there is, Donald Trump.
Yeah.
It's like Garrison.
He just flipped the switch or whatever.
Yeah, it's even more hypocritical.
It's even more hypocritical.
This guy really didn't have to.
Garrison was kind of put in a corner and went like a punk.
He makes money off doing these stupid cartoons.
This guy chose to be a punk.
I mean it would be like if Garrison were like a bald men's rights activist and then when Trump came along suddenly he started worshipping Trump's flowing hair, you know?
He's like the I mean cuz Trump has just such a good head of hair.
Oh, it's so gross It's so gross.
So I heard about this story Tony Tony told us about this story about White MAGA chuds rapping Donald Trump tweets and it's like oh my god, this is amazing We have to do this on the show and then he found Tony you found a link to this gateway pundit which is a right-wing like rag I've Fucking heard of it.
I've yeah, you know gotten some headlines from it.
It's fucking terrible there their masthead is just a series of like Trump supporters and... Looking lovely and peaceful.
I swear this is like Billy Corgan playing acoustic guitar at a Trump rally.
More than likely.
Scott Adams is the animation equivalent of Billy Corgan.
And Billy Corgan is like the right-wing equivalent of Tom Morello.
Yeah!
Oh, Tom.
Just playing grassroots protests in favor of lower corporate tax rates.
Fuck.
This machine kills proletariat.
Sad, man.
So you sent us this article, and it shows a thumbnail when you sent it to us, and I almost fucking vomited.
Because the thumbnail, the lead image on this article, well, the headline is Very Stable Genius, which is an ironic thing that they're embracing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
POTUS Trump's tweet about Jay-Z was just put to rap music and the thumbnail is Trump giving the heads up with the deal with it shades.
The 8-bit shades.
Super imposed over it and I fucking almost vomited my guts out when I saw that.
It literally made me sick.
Yeah.
To my fucking core.
Because not only is this meme old, it's an old meme, guys.
I need that new shit.
You know what I'm saying?
But it's also- That new fire.
It's classic, though?
No, I could see this being a bumper on Nickelodeon.
I mean, it's no how to do it to them.
No, it's no how to do it to them, which is super deep, deep fried.
So on Vice, they have some ironic part on Vice Nightly News or something and the glasses appear in that little bumper.
Oh really?
I've seen these glasses and it just looks like a VH1 I Love 2010.
Totally.
Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, black unemployment has just been reported to be at the lowest rate ever recorded.
Whoa, bars.
You had cadence there.
That sounded like it might be something good.
Well, Scott Adams noticed something curious about President Trump's tweet about Jay-Z.
Trump has a ghostwriter.
It's actually a rap, says Adams.
Wow.
Record yourselves doing the hashtag POTUS rap and tweet it to me.
This is how raps are.
I mean, they rhyme, even if it's only two words in every line, it's still a rhyme.
Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, black... Black unemployment.
Let's do it.
You know, employment reported.
It's good.
It's gold.
Recorded.
Let's do it, guys.
Now or later.
Let's get, let's do a couple more of them.
Yeah, let's get the, I need to hear more examples.
I need more inspiration.
See if we can get you to, oh, here's my favorite one.
One of my favorite concepts is soft racism.
Yeah.
Which is when, you know, someone doesn't really realize how racist they're being.
And then there's just like weird, like, soft medium racism they're doing where they don't even realize how stupid they are.
And it's pretty great.
Because they're rappers, they probably use the word urban.
They're wearing their clothing in an urban fit.
Sunglasses inside.
Yeah, let's describe how they look.
We got a middle-aged woman in the foreground wearing a beautifully bedazzled denim hat that has the American flag in sequence on it.
But is she wearing this hat forward?
No.
Of course not.
No way.
It's tilted to the left, which I don't know what that means.
It's cocked to the left like they do in the hoods.
That means she's left wing.
That means she's banging left wing because she's a rapper.
Well, the hat's denim, so she's obviously Crip.
But like a little bit of red in the flags, you know, solidarity.
Yeah, exactly.
She's an American, is what she is.
She's part of that gang.
She's wearing aviators indoors, like you said, which is the rap way.
And beautifully see the reflection of the screen in him.
And then, this is her son behind her, who has Put her up to this, decided to immortalize her forever on the internet.
Yeah, and he's wearing a burgundy hoodie.
I don't know, he's not wearing anything cool.
He looks like the Unabomber, but he thinks he looks like a rapper.
Her hood up, glasses, his little faux hawks poking out the top.
Do you see what is in his sunglasses though?
They're also American flag sunglasses if you look closely.
They're like, you know, you know those cool sunglasses that had like skull eyeballs on them?
Yeah.
Well, these are like the not cool version of that with American flags.
And he's got a racing stripe down his chin.
He's got a little chin beard thing.
But they got fire.
They got bars, right?
Yeah, sure.
Well, let's see.
We don't wanna, you know, we don't wanna presume.
Oof, got some head bobbing action going on.
Moms.
Also, they're doing it to a Drake song.
Yeah, 0 to 100.
They'll hear it though.
Somebody please tell Jay-Z that because of my policies, black unemployment has just been reported at the lowest rate ever recorded.
Go Trump!
Wow.
These people.
What's crazy is like they kind of nailed it until he like got too excited in the end.
As good as you could with this material.
It's like he got too excited and cringed out on himself and had to turn away from the camera and run away or something.
And mom is thrilled.
It was like a little kid when a little kid does a prank.
I was like, I got you!
And like, they didn't really get you, but, I got you!
And like, kind of... Yeah, you're like... And then they run away before you can tell them that you... In your face!
You weren't got.
Too much excitement, just gotta run away!
This is a Saturday, you know, in Orange County.
You know, this is what we got.
She's got some good teeth, though.
Yeah, her teeth are okay.
Good smile.
I mean, Orange County.
Her shirt says more glitter.
This is my favorite one.
I hate CNN.
They're not my friend.
They are fake news and full of...
Yeah, pooh-poohs.
That's what I was gonna say.
Hey, dude.
They're full of hey, dude.
You could say Jews, bro.
I'm Jewish.
You could say it.
Tony said I could say the n-word.
I'm not on record saying that.
That's not a thing.
I'm actually not on record saying that.
It is on record.
It is on the podcast.
I don't know if it is.
Yes, it is when I found out I was Nigerian.
You said you could say any word.
It wasn't Jess.
Did you say?
No, that was part of the... He was doing satire, bro.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Don't don't sue us.
I also love her her deep voice she does.
Because she's a rapper and she's got a deep rap voice.
My favorite one... Are we gonna do all of them?
Because there's one to put on this article at least.
Tell Van Jones he's not my homes.
Not my homes.
He can go suck on bone.
Damn you, Jones.
See, Reality Explainer?
That sounds fake.
That sounds too ironic.
Reality Explainer?
Yeah.
Yeah, fuck that.
Oh, dude.
Oh, man.
And then Confusopoly Translator?
Yeah, what is this gang?
I think these are, like, irony guys.
They like Scott Adam gang?
This one.
We gotta do this one.
This one's good, yeah.
Oh, I didn't watch this one.
I can't wait to be surprised.
Another cock to the side hat.
You're not going to be surprised.
Right, it's the same thing.
Unbite, please, inform JZ.
That's because of my policies.
Black unemployment.
Unbite, please, inform JZ.
That's because of my policies.
Black unemployment.
It's just been reported.
It's the lowest...
Great ever Okay, see I feel like this is this is actually like a good joke.
They're doing they're showing how stupid they think rap is by by being so lame That's I'm sure that's what they're doing, right?
Yeah Yeah.
What is he holding in his chin?
A napkin?
I think he's making a goatee?
Is a goatee a rap stereotype?
He's holding- well, okay, so he's got a- Is it like a napkin folded up?
He's holding a napkin up to- like a folded up napkin up to his bottom lip.
He looks like an older Brian Pussain.
Yeah, he looks like the other Ginger from the Sarah Silverman Show.
Yeah, actually, an older one.
Like 10, 15 years older.
Yeah, and he's wearing a camouflage Make America Great Again hat, which is the best version of that hat.
Red on camo?
I want one.
I think it's orange on camo.
Orange on camo?
Yeah, that's a good one.
It's hunter orange.
And it's cocked to the right, so maybe he's banging blood.
We're not gonna give these people any more credit there.
But yeah, he's holding a fucking- he's holding a fucking napkin up to his bottom lip like where Le Bret piercing would be or a goatee would be.
You know I assume he popped a nasty pustule.
POTUS Rap, if you follow Scott Adams Says on Periscope, you will get the napkin on the chin thing.
Crying.
And unfortunately, all of us missed that Periscope post.
So, uh... We will never know why he's holding a napkin up to his chin.
We will continue to live in the dark that snowflakes do.
Yeah, is it a goatee?
I think it's a goatee, yeah.
Like how rappers all have giant King Tut goatees coming off their cheeks.
Absolutely, Tech N9ne.
Tech N9ne does.
I think Scott Weiland rapped, or not Scott Weiland, Scott Ian rapped one time.
This is like when they're all, their window into rap is definitely Static X, Wayne Static, that's who he's doing.
Scott Ian, Public Enemy.
Which is the one you wanted to see, Tony?
There's one with an acoustic guitar, I thought it was in this article.
Nope.
Yeah, there you go.
Okay.
Okay, Marty Blart fast.
I had to say it.
He has a guitar with a capo on it.
You're messing up.
Fucking up instantly.
No, this actually works.
How's it going to end this?
Black unemployment has just been reported.
Like, forget the n-word.
These people shouldn't be allowed to say black.
Yeah, I agree.
Absolutely.
Like, they should have to say the b-word.
Yeah, they can't.
Yeah, exactly.
Or just like... They don't get to.
Fuck, man.
How would you... What kind of punishment, like, do they get?
Like, they can't say... They get death.
Yeah.
Hey, satire.
No, this is the only one so far that has made sense.
Like, that tweet, if it's musical at all, is definitely a shitty, middle-of-the-road, fake folk, fake Americana, acoustic guitar song.
By fucking, uh, Marty Blartfast.
Nah, man, I just had the guy's name, he looks just like him, the guy, Peter Frampton.
He looks like fucking Peter Frampton does now.
So I can't hate on this.
He's right for doing this.
He didn't follow the instructions.
Not at all.
He's like, save that stuff.
I don't want to be part of this rap stuff.
I'm pretty sure Peter Franton has right-wing politics too.
He's like a knockoff Peter Franton.
I'm not saying anything about Jimmy Buffett, but Parrot Heads, a lot of them would have done that.
I know some paraheads that would have done that.
No shot.
I love some paraheads out there.
But I also know some paraheads who would have done exactly this.
Yo, and Grateful Dead.
I've seen some huge Grateful Dead fans in that Deplorables group.
Fuck yeah.
I have shits.
Oh really?
I have shits saved.
It like makes perfect sense to me.
It's the same people that founded Laguna Beach.
I swear to God, that was founded by hippies.
That's crazy, but it makes sense.
Lagoon Beach was founded by hippies.
Well, it's just the same.
It's the... I mean, not to get serious here, but it's pulling the ladder up under, you know... Hey, I already got high.
Yeah.
I'm already high.
Why do I have to worry about you and your high?
You don't gotta get high.
We're the generation that deserved it.
I would like to see that.
That'd be fun.
It's weird.
Alright, let's move into comments from this shit.
Here he is.
Buck.
Runner-up for Blue Star Boy.
I would have given him the Blue Star.
He doesn't say anything terrible.
He's just like a big figure in this comment section.
Maybe I'm a bully.
That's why I would make him my Blue Star Boy.
You're not not a bully.
Dang.
Okay, fine.
Buck says, I don't like rap.
It is done by people who can't sing, but I'm an old man.
Buck, a Christian, 100% disabled Vietnam veteran, American flag emoji, cross swords emoji, American flag emoji, right-wing Republican, lifetime member, NRA, and friend to Israel.
It's like every single, he hit all the fucking check marks.
Every one.
And then the last one's Anne Friend to Israel.
So like, you know, like he's just like, you know, thinking about what he can do, what's been in the news lately.
Okay, Israel.
Like, I like Jews.
We like Jews now, right?
Friend to Cole.
What's, you wanted to describe this boy.
We got a picture of this boy.
He just replied with a picture of himself, like there's support in the replies, like, hey, you're good.
So 1bravo2 says, you're, you're, not the, not you, ApocheVR.
You're a real American.
I salute you with just a stock photo of like a general saluting away from a flag.
This isn't a stock photo.
That's definitely, uh, One brave two?
No, that's definitely what's-his-face Kelly who saved that plane from those evil birds.
Captain... What's his name?
Captain Kelly.
Sully.
Scully.
Which is what I called Scully in that X-Files episode of That Awful Sound.
Sully Sullenberger.
Yeah.
Another real American.
Precise.
I salute you, sir.
And so, Buck replies to that picture.
I mean, hey, if we're posting pictures here, I'll post one of myself.
I have an actual picture of myself in front of an American flag.
What's the, um... I should have looked this up.
What's the paleontologist... The dinosaur guy.
Yeah, Alan.
Alan Hunt.
Is that his name?
From Jurassic Park?
No, no.
The dinosaur guy from reality.
Like, the guy with the beard and the cowboy hat.
I'm not familiar with this real-life dinosaur man.
He was in Jurassic Park 2.
He had a cameo in it.
He was like an archaeologist.
I don't fucking know.
If it ain't Alan Grant, which is that guy's name, I don't care.
There are actual celebrity archaeologists?
He was one in the 90s.
That rules.
That's my dream job.
Celebrity archaeology.
But he's like a dumpy, bearded man with a cowboy hat.
Yeah, he's wearing camo at a protest.
He's got like an Australian cowboy hat, which is weird.
He's mad.
An American flag, yeah.
Marge says, me too, all of those except 70% disabled and a chick.
So yeah, yeah, 100% disabled, 100% disabled, which I thought if you're 100% disabled, you can't do anything.
Like you're dead, right?
You're dead, yeah.
Your brain can't even work.
They've gone a long way with the pupil readers for the 100% disabled.
They just read your pupil and you can type in.
Oh.
Yeah, but your pupils aren't disabled then.
No, you're right.
That's still not 100%.
That's at least .03%.
Or .03% should be.
Yeah.
This is, he's an anomaly.
Where are you getting this like 70, is that on your medical chart?
Yeah, you have a card that says it.
Did you know that every human body is made up of 70% disabled material?
I feel like most people that actually contribute to these types of comments are lying.
So she's probably lying.
I mean, yeah, she's definitely fucking lying.
I just want to know, like, where they think, like, like... Yeah.
I got my... Where do they see this percentage of disability?
I got my chart back, and the outline of the person was filled 70% with red.
Yeah.
Meaningless.
70% disabled.
No, it was yellow and black diagonal lines.
I mean, maybe there is really like a system of marking disabled people in a percentage that we don't know about.
I don't think so, dude.
I bounced this off my girlfriend, who's pretty knowledgeable about this kind of shit.
She's pretty disabled.
But yeah, I don't think this is real.
Okay, uh, John says, Wouldn't mind it so much if I could figure out what the heck they were on about.
Oh, and I often find myself wondering why they always have a hand cradling their genitals.
Always obsessed with grabbing the dick.
And I gotta say, fellas, is it gay to touch your own dick?
Probably gay.
Am I in front of a mirror?
If there's no mirror, then it's not.
Can you make eye contact with yourself?
Awkward!
screen.
Ooh.
Can you make eye contact with yourself?
So as the resident Awkward.
As the resident Zionist Jew, I propose a thing.
Quick tangent.
Let's hear your thing.
On Sundays, I can't touch anything.
I can't touch buttons.
I can't fuckin' open doors.
I can't do any of that shit.
Can't you, like, rig a pulley system to where you, like, pull a string that'll open your door?
So, I do have this thing that I jack off with on Sundays.
It's a pulley jack-off system.
And, I mean, as a Zionist, I can market this shit.
We can get it, we can get it, we can get it, you know, plugged out.
I like that.
To, you know... Oh, wait, it's a plug?
Ooh, that's different.
That's different.
Yeah, you plug your pee hole with it.
And you cum.
It goes all the way through your dick into your prostate and makes you cum.
It takes the long way around.
It's sensational.
It's my own personal deal.
It's harder, but it's worth it.
I like it.
What you're saying is you, uh... Who am I gonna sell it?
The vibrations?
Yeah.
You put the rod through your dick and you hear the vibration.
That's real?
It's a real thing, yeah.
But you could probably use that with a pulley.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm gonna sell this device to all the homophobes out there.
Good idea.
But I also love that this has not been a stereotype in rap since the 90s.
Since Michael Jackson, the king of rap.
The king of rap who grabs the channels all the time.
Whom we all know is the king of rap.
Right.
But what I'm saying is that we need to start grabbing our dicks again.
Well, black people have money now, so they have nice belt buckles, I've noticed, in rap music.
There's no need to grab their dicks anymore, because their pants are being held.
Well, they're grabbing that Air May belt buckle, man.
They're grabbing that Louis V. That's a good point.
You know what I'm saying?
Buck replies to this reply.
Well, John, I ain't gotta speculate as to what they're doing with that hand.
Buck, a Christian, 100% disabled, Vietnam veteran.
American flag emoji, cross swords emoji, American flag emoji, right wing Republican, lifetime member of NRA and a friend of Israel.
So he has a, he's got a Mac, right?
Cause you know, you can slide over on your Mac and you've got your widgets and he's got his note, his copy pasta note ready to go.
No, he's got, yeah, he's got autofill.
He's got his settings set up to where anytime he hits a period for the previous sentence, it autofills a space and then that copypasta.
Dude, Buck.
It's missing a colon, dammit!
Buck, colon, a Christian 100% disabled Vietnam veteran.
Dude, I'm, okay, so I feel like to give a charitable reading to this, like, signature, because that's what this is, right?
It's a signature with no line break.
Right.
It's his copypasta.
I think what he's saying is I'm a Christian 100%, like I'm a Christian who keeps it 100.
I think, because there's no punctuation, the only punctuation are the emojis.
I didn't think about that.
I didn't think about that either.
But obviously neither did she because when she responded she also said... But when she responded...
When Marge responded, she went with your interpretation, Matt, and just leaned into it.
She's also judging off a picture of him standing up.
If that's 100% disabled, I'm only 70% disabled.
She went with your interpretation, Matt, and just leaned into it.
Well, if you're 100%, then I'm probably 70% disabled.
And she's also judging off a picture of him standing up.
If that's 100% disabled, I'm only 70% disabled.
She's got a dead leg.
Not even.
She can do more than stand.
Yeah.
She can jump.
She's supposed to picture of her mid-air.
She's got a scab on her leg.
That's a mid-air picture.
Oh god.
Sorry, the wheels are turning sometimes, you know, the jokes don't get in there.
It's okay.
I'll edit it to make it you laugh at me.
Oh, yeah, and only me.
All right, uh, we done?
Yeah, that's about it.
All right.
Good episode.
Sweet.
Yeah.
Fun rotten shit in here.
Some bunch of toxic crap.
Don't need it.
So, as always, please subscribe in your podcast app or wherever you get it.
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that do this shit yeah so we need you to do it for us some content if you like see my family's like actually pretty cool so you know i don't have this problem but uh no i that's just because i specifically didn't add any of my extended family on facebook like i have uh facebook friend requests from aunts and uncles in like utah that have just been sitting in my inbox for three years yeah for They don't need to know what I do and vice versa.
I just declined a request today from a second aunt whose profile picture was her and her husband and a little filter over it that said I stand.
So I was like, no, we're good, we're good.
Yeah, but do they stand for the Trump tax cut touting?
I don't know.
I actually said yes, so I will be watching them.
Okay, I stand for the Trump tax cut touting, and I kneel at the 12-year-old boy name dropping.
Yeah.
Those are my politics.
Exactly.
Mixed bag.
And you say, word him up.
Word him up, Trump.
I think that's it.
Right, guys?
Yeah.
Love you guys.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for listening.
Tell your friends.
Go do it to them.
Had to.
You have to.
Go do it to them.
Please do it to them.
Okay.
Bye.
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