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Feb. 7, 2018 - Minion Death Cult

01:22:05

13 - Vast Difference (Incel XFL)

On this episode: Adam Calhoun releases a provocative new T shirt, we review some sad incel standup by Facebook Personality “Luckless Matt,” 50% of our dads are racist, and we stare into the black eyes of Vince McMahon as he debuts the XFL (again), a football league for standing.

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	Look at what I saw on my break.
	This was literally a Fox News alert about the State of the Union address where Democrats refused to stand when Trump was talking about tax cuts.
	This is like how far the conversation has shifted now.
	You stand for the man.
	That's terrible.
	They're terrible.
	Yeah, sure.
	Maybe you stand for the anthem, but do you stand for the Trump tax cut touting?
	If you didn't, then you should play in the NFL.
	It would be hilarious, though, if all the Democrats were taking a knee during that.
	That'd be fucking sick.
	I would love that.
	That would look so stupid.
	I can't wait for some solidarity like that shit.
	They're just holding up their safety pins.
	Yeah.
	Oh, hell yeah.
	They all put on their pussy hats.
	Those pussy hats are the worst thing.
	They're bad.
	I hate them.
	So stupid.
	The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... conservative humor gone awry is going to fascist-fornia today.
	So stay tuned.
	We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
	It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
	Stay tuned guys.
	We'll show you exactly what it looks like when you're going to destroy the desert.
	Follow their environmental stuff.
	Stay tuned.
	I'm Alexander Edward.
	I'm Tony Boswell.
	I'm Mountain the Great Mountain Man Matt.
	And we are Minion Death Cult.
	The world is ending.
	Whoever did that death growl is responsible.
	I did it.
	We're documenting it.
	I'm on Facebook now, so I contribute to all the shit.
	Alright, and we are joined by a guest.
	Our first ever guest has returned.
	The real returning.
	The champion.
	The returning champ.
	First ever double up.
	It's Charlene.
	How you doing, Charlene?
	I'm a boomerang.
	You're a boomerang, which is superior to the boomer.
	She's a millennial-ang.
	You're part of the boomerang generation, I guess, which is like where you dive back into your parents' basement.
	Yeah, I'm a descendant of the boomers, and I drank a lot of Tang.
	It actually is just about people who grew up when Crocodile Dundee was at its peak.
	It has nothing to do with anything.
	I mean that really is like a very important cultural marker.
	True.
	When you're at your prime during Crocodile Dundee's prime.
	For sure.
	Okay, so today we are talking about, like, some incel bullshit.
	Just nonsense.
	Which, for those of you who don't know, it means involuntary celibate.
	Involuntary celibacy, which is a community that deserves no support.
	It means no one will touch you.
	You know what?
	I'm sorry you're too cheap to get a hooker.
	You don't know how to, like, be nice to a prostitute and then give her money and respect her?
	Then you don't deserve sex!
	Fuck you!
	Yeah, that is not part of the equation.
	Respect for sex workers is not part of the equation.
	Yeah, the system's been set up since the dawn of time.
	Like, they should be taken care of, but they can't even involve themselves in the system.
	Oh, I wanna say, real quick, just to maybe start us off here, I forgot to bring this up to you guys.
	Oh, what's up?
	Let me see if I can pull it up real quick.
	Oh, we gotta shout out the homies?
	Kind of, not really.
	Well, we're going to shout out the biggest homie of all.
	Oh, what's the big homie?
	Adam Calhoun.
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, thank you, Adam Calhoun, for being the catalyst that started this website or this podcast.
	Yeah.
	So Adam Calhoun, first episode, returning champ, just released a new T-shirt.
	Fuck yeah.
	For his grunt style line of clothing that just says, just fight me in big letters on the shirt.
	And the caption for this post is, Nowadays everyone want to act like they forgot about Dre.
	Just kidding.
	Nowadays everyone wants to have a debate or use their words.
	I feel like the weakest people have the most power because they feel protected by the media.
	Men used to have a difference.
	It's true.
	Men used to have a vast difference.
	Now we're just taking that away from them.
	Rip it right out.
	Just take it out.
	It's more like soldered and like tied, but whatever.
	Fuck yeah!
	Men used to have a difference and maybe- Have they did a mist?
	I missed that.
	I didn't hear it.
	Share with the class.
	I'm just making penis jokes.
	Okay, you can do those loudly.
	It's cool.
	He likes them.
	It's better when the audience can hear them.
	Okay, so the vast deference.
	That's really funny.
	And then someone said something about mist and then I said epididymist.
	Okay, I don't know.
	Teach me about my body, Shirley.
	What's that?
	I'm sorry.
	What is it?
	I really don't know what it is.
	Oh, they're like, you know, your vas deferens is the tube that goes from your balls and around the back of the prostate and shit.
	Okay.
	And then the epididymis is where your sperm grow.
	It's like kind of a nursery for little semen.
	That's the most wholesome way to describe that gnarly part of the body.
	I teach middle school, so... Yeah, good job.
	Okay, real quick.
	Men used to have a difference and maybe throw some punches.
	We'd dust it off, shake hands, and have a beer.
	So, to anyone who has to deal with biting your tongue and are forced to be tolerant to people who are intolerant, I made this for you.
	Meaning, the t-shirt.
	And I love this this is a fucking Adam Calhoun who wrote a whole song bitching about Antifa fighting Nazis and Squashing free speech just released a shirt that says just fight me on it This is like that line This is like that line you have to tow is like a macho dude who clutches his pearls at protesters You know like yeah, like they're insulting me, but also fight me, bro.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Just walk the line.
	I just wanted to bring this up real quick.
	I thought it'd be a good intro to the episode.
	How stoked are you if you're walking down the street and you see Adam Calhoun wearing a shirt that says Just Fight Me, and you get to say, wait, are you for real?
	If we fight, are you going to shoot me?
	Because if you promise not to shoot me, I will totally fight you right now.
	Let me take a picture of that shirt first.
	Are you going to pretend to be a cop and like shoot me?
	And so listener Jason McFarlane kind of replied like half my point and half his point saying, didn't this dude publicly cry about Antifa getting physical with alt-right types or is this a case of assault is okay as long as I'm the one doing the assaulting?
	Exactly.
	And Adam Calhoun actually replied, uh, why do all my trolls look the same?
	You all look like people who can't defend yourselves.
	You look weak, pale, unfit.
	This is the only place you dwell where you feel safe.
	Just know I come out behind this phone and you will see me.
	And then I replied, don't you yell at an iPhone for a living?
	Like, how are you going to talk about other people looking pale?
	Yeah, it's happening guys.
	Adam Calhoun.
	And he didn't respond to me, unfortunately.
	But that was 13 minutes ago.
	No, well, that's when the screenshot was taken.
	Oh, never mind.
	I don't know how screenshots work.
	It's a moment in time.
	Well, now the comments are locked and you can't do it.
	Technology!
	Okay, so this is a Facebook video that has 2 million views.
	It's posted by this, like, prime gentleman named Luckless Matt.
	40,000 likes.
	48.9 thousand shares.
	Let's just call him Luckless because I'm Matt.
	Oh right, yeah.
	This is like Valley Matt.
	If you like Joe Rogan, you're gonna love Luckless Matt.
	When you sent this, I thought this was a vape that he was holding.
	I didn't realize it was an Expo marker.
	Oh yeah, I thought it was a vape too.
	How could you as a teacher not recognize an Expo marker?
	Because they're usually under my nose.
	True.
	It's a good comeback.
	You heard it.
	Okay, let's watch this and we can like... Do you want to do a thing where we watch it and then pause and then talk about what he just said?
	Because this is like a series of corny-ass bits.
	How long is it?
	A minute?
	Three minutes.
	Holy shit.
	That's good content.
	So, well, if you guys want me to stop before I'm going to stop, because you want to say something, tell me to stop, and I'll stop it.
	Or like, we'll just go... No.
	Because I'm going to be watching that.
	Say, stop it!
	Yeah, say stop it.
	Is that loud enough for everybody?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Okay, so this is like, I don't know, a 28 year old, like, with a beard, um, just talking into a webcam or his cell phone or something, wearing like, wearing a, uh, depression hoodie.
	Right?
	This is like a depression hoodie.
	Like a heavy black hoodie.
	Yeah.
	This guy's reaching out to the world, trying to.
	Lately, women have done some things that just make me go, what the f... I'm just never going to understand why you girls do the things you do.
	Oh, one of my favorites is your hair.
	Your hair will get long and you'll be like, oh my God, I'm finally going to cut my hair off.
	Make a status about it.
	Put a little scissors.
	After picture with your hair cut off.
	Oh my God, my new hair, I love it.
	Hashtag, I'm all for you.
	You know how girls be like, I want to cut my hair?
	What's up with that?
	It's so strange.
	Oh my God.
	Dang.
	Later, I, like, want to grow my hair out.
	Like, make up your mind.
	Yeah.
	You have one haircut for life and you stick with it.
	Yeah.
	This guy actually just really likes women with long hair.
	He's really mad at me.
	A few days later, sad face.
	Oh my god, I miss my long hair.
	And then there's the kinds of guys you pick.
	Post a status like, oh my god, I just really want a nice guy who remembers the small things and makes me feel like an amazing person.
	Like haircuts.
	Later, dating a dude with no job, no car, face tattooed and gelled up hair.
	Okay, so...
	First, so this is like a series of grievances he has against women, right?
	And then the first one is, like, semi-innocuous about, like, women be talking about their hair, guys.
	You know what I mean, guys?
	Then he goes right into the heavy.
	Number two, right into nice guy.
	Number two.
	Literally, nice guy.
	The actual word is nice guy.
	And he's like, why do women say they want nice guys and then the next day they'll be dating somebody with no job, no car, and gelled up hair?
	And a face tattoo.
	What's with the gelled up hair comment though?
	We can't see his hairline.
	You can't really see it.
	It's never really in frame.
	He might have a fucked up hairline.
	He might be mad about that, but you're not salty about it.
	You look good.
	Yeah, I know.
	No, but is this a thing?
	Is gelled up?
	I've never heard this criticism.
	I don't think it's been a thing for a while.
	Like, gelled up hair.
	Like, at least almost two decades.
	Grab that tub of Labella and just wipe it up.
	This guy's girlfriend, like, the girl he liked in high school was dating some, like, Kory Anastasio lookalike.
	Right.
	This deep cut, right?
	Thank you.
	And so he's been just mad ever since.
	Okay, you said earlier, Gomer Pyle.
	This dude's from, like, the Midwest, probably.
	So, like, I mean, that, like, is, like, a valley of trends.
	Like, it just goes to a pit.
	Maybe dudes are still spiking their hair out there, you said?
	Yeah, like a canyon.
	Oh, yeah, you're right.
	But does gelled up hair mean spiked?
	It just sounds like somebody who does their fucking hair.
	Like he's mad that this girl that he's stalking has a boyfriend who does his hair.
	Who uses hair products.
	Like I don't get this shit.
	Oh yeah, it's definitely a hair thing.
	Like I've never heard another person criticize anybody else for having gelled up hair.
	I've never heard that as a phrase.
	I don't know what that is.
	Like he's seriously mad that her boyfriend has hair.
	He's a reacher.
	What?
	He's reaching.
	And it's also, he's talking about the next day she'll post a status with her new boyfriend, or the next day she has a new boyfriend with no job, no car, and just like, he's stalking this woman, right?
	Yeah, this is a very specific person.
	Like, how do you know her new boyfriend doesn't have a job?
	Yeah.
	Well, it's easy to stalk people on Facebook.
	Hey, he's my new boyfriend, he doesn't have a job!
	No, you stalk them on Facebook, it's easy.
	Tell me.
	When we come in our own beards.
	- Tell me.
	- Is when we ask you-- - When we come in our own beard. - And you say no, but then you come out of nowhere and eat almost all my fucking dessert.
	I got that cheesecake for me.
	- It's dessert.
	- Wait, why is he only eating dessert?
	Like, you're not hungry so I'm gonna eat this whole meal and then my dessert?
	After he's been piling his plate up.
	He also uses fucking like a 13, 14 year old kid does.
	He just figured it out.
	Oh, he means it.
	My fucking dessert.
	They're at Hometown Buffet, dude.
	He's not like cool and jaded like us where we just say fuck every other word and it's no big deal.
	Yeah.
	It's a big thing for him.
	Exactly.
	Oh and then there's the whole posting bikini pictures on Facebook and Instagram but you don't want anybody to see in your underwear which actually covers more than your slutty bikini did.
	How come you wear a bikini at the beach but you won't let me barge into your bedroom when you're in your underwear?
	Exactly.
	You're gonna post a picture of you in your bikini, but when I say, hey, what kind of panties are you wearing?
	You're gonna get all pissed off at me.
	You'll show people your bikini, but you won't even tell me about your underwear.
	What's up with that?
	You'll hang out on the beach in your bikini, but you won't just get in your underwear in front of me?
	How come you can take a picture of your bikini, but I can't take a picture of your underwear?
	How come I can't take a picture of you in your underwear, huh?
	This guy definitely misses his spike neck work, for sure.
	Oh yeah, he's bummed.
	Yeah, see, I forgot to frame this episode in the way I wanted to, but last week was all about, just, all about male identity and, like, how we define ourselves, you know, through various, like, sound effects and bodily functions.
	I bet it was really powerful for all of you.
	Oh yeah, it was empowering.
	Well, I mean, it was bittersweet because, you know, Spike's gone now.
	It's gone.
	Spike's gone now.
	Striprel is gone.
	We're left floating in the ether, you know, without direction.
	Cars are gone.
	Toilet.
	It's gone.
	Gone.
	But this episode, this episode is all about women.
	It's all about what defines women, such as not wanting luckless Matt to photograph you in your underwear.
	Which is a big part of being a woman.
	It's all about defining women.
	Also, slutty bikini?
	What is it, like a thong bikini?
	I don't know what a slutty bikini is.
	This is all shit from his own personal life.
	Oh, absolutely.
	Everything, I guarantee you, from here on out.
	And I'm gonna piggyback off that with your V-neck cleavage shirts.
	What about V-neck cleavage shirts though?
	You get mad when you catch a guy looking at your boobs.
	We don't buy deep V's to impress women.
	Matt got caught looking at boobs.
	Luckless Matt got caught looking at boobs.
	Luckless.
	Well, sorry dude.
	Well, he's gross, so, uh, you know, like, of course they're gonna say, why are you looking at my boobs?
	Kinda creepy, you got cum in your beard, you may not look at my tits.
	Gotta comb that cum out.
	Comb that cum out and then we'll talk.
	Crunch it out of your beard.
	Crust it off.
	Her boyfriend with his gelled up hair, too good for cum?
	I bet she swallows it all.
	That's why he can't use it for his hair.
	Fuck if I know where Netflix and Chill came from, it should be called Netflix and Nap.
	They ask you to watch a movie and all of a sudden 15 minutes later they're asleep!
	Literally getting fucking yelled at for staring at tits, yelled at for asking about underwear, getting slept on instead of for Netflix.
	This is all his personal shit.
	This is like he invited a girl over for Netflix and chill and she chilled too hard.
	Bright side, he got angry at her for falling asleep instead of taking advantage.
	Right?
	I mean, I hope so.
	Yeah, that's the bright side.
	This is luckless Matt, so... He does look like a heroin addict.
	That's the best.
	So like, the editing in this thing is superb.
	It's keyed up.
	So this is like, obviously written out shit.
	Stuff that he has prepared.
	And it still takes two edits for every point he's trying to make.
	And aside from that, there are also reaction shots to his own statements.
	And the best reaction shot here... I asked you to watch a movie and then all of a sudden, 15 minutes later, they're asleep!
	Wakes up ten minutes before the movie's over and asks you, what's going on?
	It's, it's like, so delayed.
	It's, it's, she wakes up ten minutes later and says, what's going on?
	And then he slaps his own forehead.
	Thumps his forehead.
	This is like, this whole video gives me such weird vibes.
	It's like...
	It's because he's a creep.
	And he gives you the creeps, even in video.
	And that's why he's luckless.
	Because he's a fucking asshole creep who has cum in his fucking beard.
	And nobody wants to fuck him.
	They're like, hey dude, thanks for the cool time and the free heroin.
	Wait, just real quick.
	Is there cum in his beard?
	Am I missing the cum in his beard?
	No.
	Okay.
	Oh, I didn't have high def turned on.
	Let me turn that on real quick.
	I just made that up.
	Okay, so no.
	He does give me the creeps.
	He definitely gives all these women that he's talking about the creeps.
	Like, women... I mean, I'm not a woman, but I still have, like, an instinctual aversion to this man and his vibe that he's putting out.
	I'm sure women have the double... double sensitivity to this bullshit.
	But more specifically, like, the way... the way he's doing this video, the way he has staged this, like, comedy routine, because that's kind of what he's doing, It reminds me of like when you teach a 7 year old a joke and like they practice on the delivery and they still don't understand why it's funny, why what they're doing is funny.
	They've just memorized the delivery and they've memorized the timing.
	Yeah, the cadence.
	Yeah, but they still don't, they just play acting comedy and that's what this is.
	They don't get why it's funny, they just know people laugh.
	Like, this dude has studied Dane Cook Reels.
	You know what I mean?
	He's like studied Joe Rogan podcast episodes and he's just mimicking this stuff.
	It's like the parrot doesn't know it's saying hello.
	Yeah, it's just making a noise.
	I think that Joe Rogan is not as bad as this.
	It's not that bad, right?
	I don't know if that's true, but I do know this guy loves Joe Rogan.
	Yeah.
	She wakes up in the middle of the night, babe, I had a bad dream.
	You cheated on me.
	And that makes you apologize.
	Okay, so that's a good one.
	Your girl, your totally real girlfriend, had a bad dream about you cheating on her and then she wakes up and is mad and makes you apologize.
	Like, I think I saw this joke in a Blondie cartoon from 1985.
	Yeah, that sounds about right.
	Did she actually make you apologize though?
	You know?
	I doubt that.
	In the Blondie cartoon?
	Yeah, she did.
	And hey, if this happens in real life, dude, that's not a healthy thing to be going through.
	You guys should maybe figure that out.
	But this is not happening, so shut up.
	She shaves her eyebrows off of her face.
	Then she takes what looks to be a dry erase marker and draws them back on.
	You can't fix broken dudes and you can't fix your eyebrows.
	Quit trying to change everything.
	There's like five edits in that joke about women drawing on eyebrows.
	That means he like had to like retake it five times.
	This guy sucks!
	Remember that joke from, like, the early 2000s about women drawing on their eyebrows?
	Well, it's back.
	It's back.
	In Facebook form.
	But it's not relevant.
	His eyebrows are pretty on point, though.
	They're pretty.
	He does have moral authority on this subject.
	He's got nice eyebrows, but, you know... That's what makes him... Why the fuck would anyone use a dry-erase marker on their fucking forehead?
	Fuck you.
	Yeah, use a Sharpie, goddamnit.
	Well, no, this is, like, this is his clear, like...
	Understanding of women.
	Yeah, like he's like, you know how you know how women be taking something that looks like a bottle opener and lining their lips with it?
	Because that's what he sees.
	He sees this.
	You know how women take that, like, weird cube that glows green and they press it up under their boobs?
	Like, fuck that shit!
	You know, like... What the fuck?
	How'd you do that?
	That's for the anus.
	Oh, is it part of the three seashells?
	Is it the next step?
	Are you being serious about a thing?
	No.
	Okay.
	I'm like, what the fuck is he talking about?
	A dry erase marker on your eyebrows?
	What is that, though?
	This dude knows women.
	This man knows women.
	Taking a tesseract and smashing it up against your boobs.
	Exactly.
	That's what I thought your time was.
	They got a hold of the Tesseract and replicated it.
	You know how women use that four-dimensional object and they rub it on their butts before every date?
	Yeah, to make them butt magic.
	Just be happy with your butt the way it is.
	How come they can photograph that Tesseract, but every time I do it, it looks like a line?
	Is it really here?
	I don't think it's actually here.
	I think I'm in the Matrix.
	We're supposed to open doors for you, pull your chair out, pay for your meal, and treat you like an equal.
	And we're not supposed to treat you like sexual objects when you use sex as leverage.
	Well man, if you don't do this for me, I'm not gonna have sex with you.
	The fuck did you just say?
	Oh, god damn.
	That was probably the worst reaction.
	Yeah, this gets like dark, kind of.
	I love, like... This is so relatable, though.
	Is it?
	Like, yes.
	Oh my god.
	Yes.
	- Please, please, please explain.
	I just, okay. - Okay, yeah. - But there is a world where these guys feel like they're owed sex, and they feel like women use sex against them.
	I'm sure that does happen.
	People use sex as leverage, but that shouldn't be happening, and that's not healthy.
	No, it's fine, dude.
	It's an exchange of goods and services.
	If a woman wants to use her sex for something, she's going to do it, and you're going to agree to it because you want that sex.
	You don't have to agree to it.
	If you're going to pay the bills...
	You know, work all day, you're owed sex at the end of the day.
	Well, and that's kind of ironic, is that what he's saying is like... What he's saying is, you don't want us to look at you as a sexual object, and yet you want to use sex to get stuff.
	I mean, this whole screed is about him pulling out a woman's chair, therefore she should give him sex.
	You acknowledge that sex is a commodity.
	Yeah, ugh.
	But it's just that you don't get to control it, because you're on the demand side of it.
	Well, he sucks.
	He doesn't do it right.
	We need to nationalize sex, is what I'm saying.
	Single-payer sex?
	Yeah, single-payer sex, or control the means of reproduction.
	Seize the means of reproduction.
	Seize it!
	So that it's government-owned.
	Bottleneck it properly so it's distributed.
	As it should be.
	The way he says this is the delivery for when she says, I'm having sex with you, and then he says, what the fuck did you just say?
	And the way he says it is... That's what I mean.
	That's how this video gets used against him in court.
	I'm not gonna have sex with you.
	I can't believe there's two million views here.
	I hope that someday this guy's in court getting accused of being a creep because it's going to happen and they say, uh, I'm just saying this is him.
	That's all I'm saying.
	I want, I want like a political, I want a political thriller.
	Like Mr. Smith goes to Washington, but it's just all about getting like, uh, enshrined into law.
	The fact that this guy's a creep.
	Exactly.
	It's all just building toward whether or not this guy gets defined legally as a creep.
	What a film.
	We did it, guys.
	He's a creep.
	What a film.
	What a movie.
	Instead of brandishing papers, you're like... I mean, brandishing an iPad, I guess.
	I don't know.
	Yeah.
	You know.
	But it should be filmed like a Broadway musical was filmed in the 50s or 60s, like Music Man, you know.
	Or like Hamilton, you know, it'll be all woke.
	He's a creep, he's a creep, he hates it when you fall asleep.
	What you say?
	Man, what you say, what?
	When you use sex as leverage.
	Well man, if you don't do this for me, I'm not gonna have sex with you.
	Yeah, bitch.
	No.
	That's why.
	And he's like trying to do it in a cute way, which makes it even creepier.
	Like, he's trying to do it in a funny way, and it makes it worse.
	Also, he's saying, no, you are gonna have sex with me whether you like it or not.
	That's so fucking foul.
	As he's brandishing a knife.
	Yeah.
	No.
	No, that's just his razor-thin penis.
	It's not a knife.
	Oh, Spike.
	Spike Dick.
	It's just Spike.
	Spike Dick, yeah.
	His dick's a spike like mine.
	Also, like, Where is it?
	Right here.
	We're supposed to open doors for you, pull your chair out, pay for your meal.
	Okay.
	No.
	Not only that.
	You know what feminism is about?
	Not that.
	It's about you not having to do any of that shit.
	That's not what, like you're railing against like feminism kind of here.
	It's like really blurry what you're, you're just railing against women.
	This guy is too dumb to really rail against feminism.
	But, you know, no, like, don't pull chairs out for women.
	Don't get, don't do that.
	Unless that's your, like, partner of, like, years, and she's like, maybe, like, do that for her then.
	I don't like it when my husband pulls my chair out for me because he pulls it out too far.
	Oh, okay.
	Man, I should take her.
	Just let me handle my own chair.
	I got it.
	It's a fucking chair.
	I can handle it.
	You're self-conscious about how long your legs are, and you don't like him pointing that out.
	I don't need that much room, dude.
	Well, I'm not joking when I say I do do that for my partner of nine years, and I open the car door for her.
	And that's sweet, and she likes that.
	She exchanges sex for those acts because you've arranged a deal.
	Like, this is all in the abstract.
	Yeah, she goes.
	You open the door and she's like, shit, well now I gotta put that on his tab.
	She's off.
	She's off.
	Alright, look, you're almost saved up to a blowjob.
	No, baby, I love you.
	I know you don't listen to this, but I love you.
	God, that's so emboldening, you know, the opposite of emasculating, when my girl has a checklist of what I can do and not do based on the services I've provided to her.
	I love that.
	It makes me feel so adult.
	Like we have a budget, you know?
	For the record, my husband hates that checklist.
	Oh, okay.
	Alright, to each their own.
	Are you kidding?
	I know.
	Yeah, I was like, I knew you were kidding, but I had to process it.
	Really though, chivalry is only good when they want it to be.
	When they want it to be.
	When they don't want it to be, it's called sexism.
	Well actually, yeah, you're right.
	If you have a thing with your partner and she likes that, then go for it.
	If they don't like it, then don't do it.
	You're right.
	It's only rape when they don't want it.
	Oh my god.
	Yeah.
	Exactly.
	It's like how they get it and they say it out loud but they still don't get it.
	Holy shit.
	Kind of like when the man pays for the meal and then a woman complains that a man gets paid more for doing the same thing.
	I don't think I will ever understand women.
	See, he's talking about how he has to pay for the meal, he has to pull out the chair, which is physical labor, and he has to do all these things for the woman, and then she's gonna complain that she doesn't make as much money as him doing the same thing.
	No, men get paid more because then they funnel that money, it trickles down into a woman's meal.
	You know, so it evens out.
	Exactly, yeah.
	Yeah!
	Trickle down sexonomics.
	You mean he jizzes on her meal?
	Yeah, that's exactly what I meant.
	He trickles off into her meal?
	No, it's on his beard and he goes in to kiss her.
	That's right!
	I forgot!
	Because we've been watching this video for so fucking long.
	He has cum in his beard.
	A girl will literally friendzone you.
	Oh, will a girl do that?
	Will a girl friendzone you?
	That's amazing.
	I need it in Facebook videos to tell me that.
	And then get mad at you for getting a girlfriend.
	I'm just gonna add one more.
	For good measure.
	God damn, this is fucking soul-sucking.
	Oh, I hate him.
	I hate him.
	I hate you.
	I hate you.
	This is all a very specific situation.
	All this stuff literally happened to him and he's real salty.
	Absolutely.
	Dude, I wanna curb stomp the boy.
	This is all just, like, grievances against one woman.
	Like, it's not even women.
	It's just one woman got a boyfriend.
	Yeah.
	We got the entire chronological history of their relationship.
	There's some poor woman out there who's like, oh my god, I can't believe he made this.
	That's so true.
	I can't believe he has two million views.
	She's like, fuck you.
	She has to change her name.
	She hates this dude.
	He drives by her house.
	If you had to block Luckless Matt on Facebook right into the show, let us know.
	Let us know how much of a turd he is.
	We'll help you.
	No, we know.
	He's a turd.
	We get it.
	Amber Powell says, LMFAO.
	Matt, you just covered almost every reason I don't get along with most females.
	Fuck you.
	Fuck you.
	Why do we have to hate on females?
	Why does she have to be like that?
	That's such bullshit.
	She only is friends with dudes.
	She drives a truck.
	She calls women females.
	She gets it.
	She's woke.
	I dare Amber Powell to screencap her DM where luckless Matt was like, so you think I'm funny?
	I mean, I think you get that you should totally have sex with me, right?
	Because you get that you should.
	Wanna come over to my house and do a bunch of coke so you won't fall asleep?
	Yeah, that's a weird mentality, Lee.
	Alright, so I'm introing this next segment now because we were just so excited to talk about it, I plum forgot.
	This next segment, we're tackling the XFL.
	It's the return of the Extreme Football League, owned and operated by Vince McMahon.
	And this time around, they're not going to employ any thugs.
	No, they learned their lesson.
	That's probably why it only lasted a year last time.
	Did it even last a season?
	Who knows?
	Yeah, this thing happened in 1999.
	It's back, baby!
	There's just such a high demand for football players who refuse to take a knee for any reason.
	Even when the coach says, take a knee, they refuse to do it and the coach says, almost gotcha.
	This is the XFL and, uh, we're covering a press conference done by Vince McMahon himself of, uh, I don't know, wrestling fame.
	I don't know what organization he owns, but, uh, yeah, he's a big douchebag involved in wrestling, professional wrestling.
	And now he's a, can be a big douchebag involved in, uh, semi-professional football, I guess.
	Anyway, here it is.
	Okay, let's try to find a video of the debut of the press conference.
	Let's get it!
	Here we go!
	God damn, he looks frightened.
	- The NFL will kick off in 2020. - God damn, he looks frightened. - He looks horrible. - We're gonna get the game of football back to fans.
	I'm sure everyone has a lot of questions for me, but I also have a lot of questions for you.
	In fact, we're going to ask a lot of questions and listen.
	Oh, that sounds great.
	I love football, but I just wish it had more questions.
	I wish it had more Q&A sessions.
	Dude, this... He's going to ask, does anyone have butterscotch?
	We may talk, I'm sure we're gonna talk about this, but like, he's gonna own every team in the XFL.
	Yup, that's part of it.
	So fucking scary to me.
	Finally, he'll bring order to an organization.
	This shit is fucking freaking me out, dude.
	You're worried that he's gonna have total control over XFL, the most powerful sports organization, I'm sure, in 2020.
	I mean, who knows where it's gonna go.
	This is the prequel to Rollerball?
	Exactly!
	This is why when Trump loses the election in 2020, he's going to say, I'm focusing on my XFL career.
	Well, facts.
	He's going to be a commissioner.
	Trump and Vince are going to switch and Vince is going to be president in 2020.
	They're going to tag team with the presidency.
	All the analysts say it's going to be worse next election cycle.
	Well, there you go.
	There you go.
	Vince-y.
	He's so scary.
	You ever seen a Vince McMahon?
	He's got black eyes.
	Like a doll's eyes.
	of the media and anyone else who understands and loves the game.
	You ever seen a Vince McMahon?
	He's got black eyes.
	Like a doll's eyes.
	Yeah, they are black doll's eyes.
	Well, the question of what would you do?
	Wait, no, I'm not referencing Nickelodeon right now.
	We're not rebooting that game.
	Absolutely.
	Oh my god, this is him asking rhetorical questions.
	Is he gonna answer them?
	No, the fans have to answer them.
	- Okay. - Would you, for instance, eliminate halftime?
	Would you have fewer commercial breaks?
	You know what, I hate his halftime.
	Would the game of football be faster?
	Absolutely.
	Would the rules be simpler?
	Yes, fans, would you have fewer commercial breaks?
	What's that?
	You all say, no, you love the commercials?
	Okay, we'll keep the commercials.
	In what world is he gonna answer the fans' demand to stop showing commercials?
	YouTube.
	YouTube world.
	Would the rules be simpler?
	The new XFL will be fan-centric with all the things you like to see and less of the things you don't.
	Oh yeah, they're much more simple.
	Like, I think you can powerbomb people.
	See, that's a huge issue with all these fucking cocksuckers who, like, who are, like, pissed at the NFL.
	Like, this, like, hate towards Kaepernick correlates with people who are mad because the NFL has more rules to protect Humans' heads.
	Yeah.
	And their brains and their necks.
	All important stuff.
	As someone who truly loves the Raiders, and the only reason why I like football is because of the Raiders.
	You always tell them to protect your neck.
	Protect that neck.
	But like, yeah, like, I want rules so they're okay.
	Well that's nice of you, Matt, but you're living in an unrealistic world.
	I guess.
	You're living in a fantasy world where football players don't die of dementia at 50.
	Is that why the Raiders always elect for a shorter season?
	It's for the safety of their players?
	What the fuck are you talking about?
	Are you really trying to start this shit right now?
	What are you talking about?
	You just made up a thing?
	What are you talking about?
	Talking about the short seasons the Raiders have.
	What are you talking about?
	Talking about how, you know, like... Why go to the playoffs?
	Oh, the tall cans prevent me from getting clued up with your... I don't even watch football.
	I don't even... It's a good joke.
	You fooled me.
	It's okay.
	We have Gruden this year.
	Next year it's gonna be fine.
	Dude seriously looks like... The Crypt Keeper.
	He looks like he's a fucking character from the Secret of NIMH or some shit.
	Whoa, yeah, he looks animated.
	He looks like... What's that movie with like... He looks like a fucking antagonist from the Dark Crystal.
	Oh, or like, uh, um... Fuck.
	I just see, like, a cartoon wizard, like, with, like, smoke around him, like, around a crystal ball, like... He looks like he was, uh, a character in, like, Spirited Away.
	Nah, come on.
	No.
	Yeah, no, look at those large features.
	Those, like, large eyebrows and ears.
	He's, like, easy to draw.
	Those, like, crazy, like, lizard-y lips.
	He is easy to draw because... I could draw his face.
	Do it!
	It's very easy to draw.
	That's a good, that's a good diss on him.
	Hey, hey, bro.
	Fucking easy to draw.
	Your face sucks.
	It's easy to draw.
	I got like... It's like literally... Oh.
	First literally of the episode.
	Hopefully.
	I think second actually.
	I threw one in earlier.
	Sorry.
	Hey, it's cool.
	We know now.
	We're working on it.
	Dude, I would love to see Studio Ghibli take a shot of Vince McMahon.
	But what I was gonna say, it's like... Turn that mic back down at your mouth.
	There you go.
	It's maybe 16 lines that makes up his face.
	But very distinct lines.
	No, they're big.
	Did you guys already talk about how heavily he breathes through his nose?
	Oh, it's all that coke!
	Well, I was gonna say, like, you got a nose like that, why waste it?
	It's meth and coke.
	Put it to use.
	In lines.
	Faster-paced, family-friendly, and easier to understand.
	Easier to understand.
	Holy fuck off, dude.
	Like, you're gonna fucking say you want some... Oh.
	Family-friendly.
	What?
	What, Matt?
	Use your words.
	It's just all the tenants that you just hear from NFL fans bitching.
	Yep.
	I want it to be easier to understand.
	I don't understand how the line of scrimmage works.
	Like, it's just like, you just watch it.
	You don't need to understand it.
	Or you can Google it.
	I mean, you can spend five minutes on the internet to read some Wikipedia shit.
	It's kind of like meaningless shit he's throwing out here.
	Family-friendly.
	Like, what is not as family-friendly about football?
	He's actually going to not have cheerleaders.
	And he's going to have cheerleaders that are going to be well-compensated for their work.
	And also they're going to have scholarship programs.
	They're going to provide...
	This sounds like a McMahon thing.
	Maternity and fraternity leave.
	It's very progressive.
	And they're going to wear leggings.
	Family friendly.
	The X is for the X chromosome.
	Yeah.
	In XFL.
	Precisely.
	Don't get me wrong, it's still football.
	But it's professional football reimagined.
	Since we're launching in 2020, we have two years, which is plenty of time to really get it right.
	Not like last time.
	When is he gonna say that, like, all... When is he gonna say that, like, the professional players can't listen to rap music?
	Yeah.
	Wait, when is he gonna talk about, like... The anthem?
	When is he gonna talk about, like, mandatory hairstyles?
	Bro, we got two years.
	We got two years to figure out that dreadlocks are banned.
	Holy fuck.
	We want a professional look.
	I'll murder.
	I'll murder you, Vince.
	You know, we want something like professional, you know, like something that covers your hair even when you're not wearing a helmet, you know?
	Like a do-rag?
	More like a don't-rag.
	Nah, it's probably such an old joke.
	It's applicable.
	Yeah.
	As you know, there's a wealth of talented players that we can draw from, but in the XFL, the quality of the human being Here we go.
	Here we go.
	Fuck you, Vince!
	as the quality here we go here we go you vince i'm sorry i screamed that which allows us to engage fans and customize the viewing experience in ways that were never imaginable just a few years ago you'll be able to watch the xfl on big screens mobile devices thank you again for joining us We appreciate your interest.
	You'll be able to watch it on 33 inch TVs, 55 inch big boy TVs.
	Break out a projector, go for it.
	And your 12 inch smartphone.
	This football league has been formatted to fit your screen.
	Did you guys notice in the background it says more ball?
	No.
	Is it really?
	Yeah.
	Hell yeah.
	Oh yeah, cause they're gonna get rid of halftime.
	And they're gonna have like multi-ball events.
	Like if you trip a certain, like if you trip a certain button on the ground they just dump a bunch of footballs in the middle of the field.
	No, you trip that button and like a cannon arises out of the field and just during the hike it just starts shooting balls at you.
	There's bonus balls if you catch they're worth different points.
	No every ball you get into the end zone you get seven points for.
	Every ball has a different weapon.
	So the running back has seven balls in his arms and he's just running.
	More balls.
	Thank you again for joining us we appreciate your interest and if you have any ideas please send them along our way because We are listening.
	Desperate.
	It'll be a game that's reimagined.
	Reimagine the game of professional football.
	It's a game that's reimagined.
	We've reimagined the game of football.
	You can watch it on your cell phone.
	We'll have an app for that.
	We've developed an app so that you can answer questions while you're watching football.
	We're using blockchain.
	Bitcoin.
	Do you want this game to end now?
	Do you want it to end in five minutes?
	Are you still watching?
	This will be in the future.
	I don't know if you saw the word future prominently displayed on the screen.
	So yeah, we'll look forward to that.
	I wonder if this will be streamed through the WWE Network.
	Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
	Come on, look at... You know that app they have?
	Yeah.
	WWE Network?
	I'm looking at you, Alex.
	The WWE Network app?
	Yeah.
	It's booming.
	That shit is tough.
	Huge.
	Yeah.
	Okay, let's get into comments about this bad boy.
	Yeah, come on.
	Yeah, because like, Deplorables felt the real way about this XFL debut.
	Finally, they can enjoy football again.
	They felt some kind of way.
	They're feeling in their feels.
	They're feeling it.
	You know what I mean?
	Okay, so yeah.
	First comment we have.
	I'm gonna go just from top to bottom.
	Left to right.
	Dan Hawkins says, VNFL aka Veterans National Football League.
	That's right.
	Vets only.
	Real men!
	Cool!
	Exclamation points.
	Uh, World War II vets.
	Vietnam vets.
	The guy that put down your dog.
	All vets.
	I mean, sure, it's gonna be, like, painful to watch, but that's the least we could do for their sacrifice.
	Yeah, man.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, you're gonna feel really good in, like, like, at the front of your brain, you're gonna be real, like, bored, but, like, in the back of your brain, you're gonna feel real good about what you're doing.
	This is pretty fucked up.
	You, like, feel like you're entertained, but you're, like, not really.
	No, I love this, like, so this is the debut of a new alternative football league called the XFL.
	But then Dan Hawkins has a totally new idea.
	You're an entrepreneur, like, coming up with, like, new ideas.
	Don't do that, Vince.
	Do the VNFL.
	The Veterans National Football League.
	I'm just gonna say, disclaimer, my mother's a vet.
	I respect vets, okay?
	I don't respect your mother, Matt.
	Come on, dude.
	All right, I respect her now.
	Yeah, okay.
	She's gonna play football in the VNFL.
	What I'm thinking, like, I love this logic though.
	So first of all, there is already teams.
	The Army team, there's the Navy team.
	This harkens back to a very good tweet About how, uh, you know, I bet if all the veterans, or I bet if all the service members got together and formed their own league, or played against the NFL, they'd really wipe them out.
	And it's like, people had to remind this dude that the Army plays the Navy.
	Every fucking college year.
	And it's awesome.
	It's awesome, but they're not professional players.
	Yeah.
	No, but it's like- Like the idea that just because- It's like a college level team, kinda.
	Like... Okay, it's not professional level.
	Well, I mean, as a football fan, I'll argue that college football's a lot more competitive, and you see a lot more patriots.
	But the Patriots would smash the Army team.
	That's, right?
	I mean, that's the White House football team, is the Patriots.
	That's the official national football team.
	But wouldn't the worst NFL team smash the Army team, or the Air Force team, or whatever service team?
	Yes.
	Okay, yeah.
	Yeah, well, I just love this idea.
	It's like, veterans, like, they're just better.
	They're just better.
	They can do it better than somebody who's been, you know, training specifically for this sport.
	Because those guys are just thugs.
	Those guys are just fucking loser thugs and dreadlocks.
	Veterans are the best of us and therefore of course they're the best football players.
	And we know they're gonna stand for the National Anthem.
	Why not take it a step further?
	Who's more heroic than a veteran?
	A dead veteran.
	Let's get the dead veteran National Football League.
	I bet those guys would fucking kick ass.
	It'd be a real fun TV show.
	I'll tell you this much, any given Sunday wouldn't have happened if they were veterans.
	I'm gonna, I have no idea.
	you yeah just a movie about rowdy football players getting rowdy about the xfl oh i mean kind of kind of some guy lost an eye how's that for family friendly it's it's like uh it's like a glimpse it's like it's like the training day what training day is to police any given sunday is to football that's Kinda?
	Training day is to police as any given Sunday is to NFL.
	NFL.
	Yeah.
	They couldn't call up NFL because they would have gotten sued.
	So just like ambiguous team.
	Right.
	That's the one with Mark Wahlberg, right?
	No, that's the one where he's like, he's like working-class dude who becomes... No, that's the Eagles one.
	Okay, or not the Eagles.
	Yeah, I think that's another one.
	Philadelphia Eagles.
	Oh, let's remember the Eagles.
	Remember?
	And now I do, yeah.
	The Eagles?
	Oh yeah, if the XFL were like that football league in Starship Troopers, and dudes were doing double front flips into the end zone, I would watch that shit.
	That's kind of what they want.
	Wrestling, that's what it was, the first XFL was.
	That's why I totally wanted an XFL comeback.
	I like called it because of all this turmoil in the NFL.
	Because the NFL is so blatantly bigoted now.
	I thought this was going to be an opportunity for like... You mean the racists against white people, that's what you mean, right?
	Yeah, they don't respect white people and want to stand for them.
	Yeah, I know.
	I thought it'd be kind of like a fun opportunity to tap into that market of people who still want to watch football, but don't want to consume the NFL.
	Like myself, I wouldn't mind watching football, but I'd rather watch not the NFL.
	And I'm also not too keen on like the NCAA because that's a different story.
	Right.
	So maybe like a third option, you know, like I like wrestling.
	I like how they, for the most part, how they treat their employees.
	I think they're pretty good doing from what I know.
	You can make a living.
	It's hard.
	It's brutal.
	But they can be kind of cool.
	It's weird.
	So maybe they can do something cool with football.
	I might watch it.
	But now they're getting hijacked by the people who are like, yeah, and everyone will stand.
	I'm like, no, I just want everyone to play football.
	I'm gonna go and disenchant you real quick and just say that the WWE does not treat their employees well.
	No way.
	They're like better now than ever though, right?
	They have to be now.
	That's what I'm saying, yeah.
	Because of all the documentaries.
	That's what I'm saying, yeah.
	Because of The Wrestler.
	Because of Beyond the Man.
	That's a good movie.
	Look at Jake the Snake.
	They're better now than they ever were, you know?
	I forgot to mention so we're all these comments are specifically responding to like a video from this new as far as I can tell oh yeah it's like it's like an Instagram news video where they like yeah it's like it's like words and like a BuzzFeed yeah it's like yeah buzz it's very BuzzFeed With like some sick-ass butt rock playing in the background, you know?
	And there's actual clips from the old XFL in it though.
	Right, so it says, the XFL is returning and requiring players to stand for the National Anthem.
	Asterisk.
	Yeah.
	I wish.
	I hope.
	But we didn't see any concrete evidence.
	So that's kind of what is going on.
	That's kind of what's going on in the zeitgeist of the... Again?
	That's kind of what's going on in...
	So that's kind of what's going on in this post.
	Like, this post asserts that players will be required to stand.
	This next one is, rules barring players with criminal records and a banning kneeling for the national anthem are expected.
	That's so gross.
	Expected by deplorables.
	Yeah.
	Like, that's who expects this.
	Like, you could put is expected after any statement and make it a news headline.
	Make it an accurate news headline, right?
	Like, UFO is expected to land tomorrow.
	And that's true.
	Because a cult expects it.
	Yeah, that's a true statement.
	So that's how you do it.
	This is a good thing to remember in the future.
	Is there like a swath of people that think that felons shouldn't be employed?
	There is, yes.
	And it's so gross.
	Well if you're a felon, you should just be deported.
	Yeah.
	Like we went over that a couple episodes ago.
	Definitely.
	Yeah, but they won't have any criminal records.
	Can't dip into that talent pool.
	They didn't give it to that propaganda that is The Longest Yard.
	That was graceful.
	I'm learning from my cat.
	That's that one, right?
	The prison... The longest yard.
	Yeah, that's the prison one with Mark Wahlberg.
	He's not in that movie!
	He's officially in all the football movies.
	Isn't he Rudy?
	Yeah, he's Rudy, not Sam.
	He's also Sam from Lord of the Rings.
	He's also in the replacements.
	He replaced Keanu Reeves in the replacements.
	Rules barring players with criminal records.
	Man, this sounds like such a tight sports league.
	No law breakers for us.
	I like my rock and roll with happily married men.
	Yes.
	And my professional sports without any rule breakers.
	What are they talking?
	They're talking about like smoking weed and like... No, they're talking about we won't have too many colored people on the field.
	No, that's what I'm saying.
	Yeah.
	Just to be blatant.
	Yes, they're showing Cap kneeling.
	Thank you Cap for kneeling.
	Which just looks beautiful.
	This is like the most beautiful shot I've seen.
	It's a really good picture.
	I look at this and I just think he's amazing and like we're gonna look back on this in 30 years and just revere him still.
	Let's get that butt rock back.
	McMahon will own all the teams in the league.
	Therefore, he will be able to set rules.
	Finally some order to this chaotic universe.
	Thank you, McMahon.
	That's so fucking crazy.
	That is the worst tenet of the XFL right there.
	I'd love to see one of these NFL owners when somebody disrespects our flag to say, get that son of a off the field.
	No, I'd love to see the XFL as a response.
	Okay, let's get back to these comments.
	Oh, my God.
	Paris Alvey says, I guess that's kinda neat.
	It's responding to desires of patriotic football fans.
	But I was rather hoping that people would shut their TVs off and engage more in their families, churches, and public policy.
	Wouldn't that be a better alternative?
	You fucking dork.
	Once football's cancelled, we can all just be family men again.
	Let's all sit around the table and have family home evening.
	Look at me when I'm talking to you!
	This is what happens when Spike TV goes off the air, when the NFL starts being racist against white people.
	We're forced to stay at home and talk to our wives.
	I sincerely believe that Kaepernick kneeling is a deep state plot.
	To get men to spend more time with their families, which is, as we all know, a feminine activity.
	To soften them up.
	To further emasculate the male population.
	Right, when you sit home... Well, if you think back to hunter and gatherer times, like, evolution tells us that the women is... they're supposed to stay and find things, whereas the men are supposed to go out and hunt things, and they can be out for as long as they want to.
	Hunting whatever they wanna.
	And they have needs.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, and in, like, the modern society, we're just, like, hunting for that elusive football network.
	Yes.
	You know.
	And don't emasculate me by telling me to turn the TV off.
	Scoutmaster.
	Very interesting name.
	Gross name.
	Two words.
	Scout.
	Master.
	This is somebody who has... Baiter.
	Hot.
	This is somebody who has tequila mockingbird sexual fantasies.
	Whoa.
	Bro.
	Did you guys get it?
	Yep.
	Yes.
	Literary reference for the episode complete.
	That's a good one.
	Also pictured like a leathered out To Kill a Mockingbird scene.
	Scout's young, dude.
	Yeah.
	No, she's old at the end of the book.
	She grows up.
	Oh, right.
	Or maybe it's what?
	It's Go Set a Watchman.
	Okay, it's Go Set a Watchman.
	Sexual fantasy.
	Go Set a Watchman, master.
	Says.
	Thank you for that natural segue.
	Did I refuse to acknowledge?
	And any NFL player who keeled... I think they mean to say kneeled.
	Any NFL player who keeled over not be allowed to be in the league.
	Any NFL player who has collapsed on the field, keeled over, does not deserve to be in the XFL.
	They are not extreme enough.
	If your body's not like...
	Rigid enough to do it.
	We know there's gonna be a huge amount of NFL players who are just gonna be lining up, begging to be part of the XFL.
	Please let me in, please.
	I love, I love this.
	Yeah, any, okay, so we'll do a charitable reading.
	In any NFL player who kneeled won't be allowed to be in the league.
	Once again, like just Answering these questions that Vince McMahon has put forth.
	You don't even need a special app to answer these Vince McMahon questions.
	You just go into your Deplorables Facebook group and you answer them in the comments section and Vince reads them.
	And any NFL player who kneeled not be allowed.
	So what they're gonna do is they're gonna look at each player's permanent record and see how many times they've kneeled and then they'll make their decision.
	Case by case.
	What's this guy's kneeling record?
	Phillip Williamson says, I don't care about criminal records, standing, or kneeling.
	I'm just happy there's a football league where I don't have to watch the fucking Patriots in the final game every year.
	This shit is so boring.
	That's a real comment.
	Yeah, I agree completely with this guy.
	I mean, they're playing again, right?
	Yeah, they're playing again and they're gonna win again.
	It's such a waste because the Patriots are going to the Super Bowl and the Conservatives are still mad about the NFL.
	It's like your team, your poster boys, are winning and you're still not stoked.
	Well, they're finally sick of winning.
	Right?
	Like Trump said they would be.
	Exactly.
	Joyce Carter says, yeah right!
	Continue to boycott!
	And then Joe Diaz, who was the one who shared this link into the group and like defended every negative comment, or rather, you know, defended the XFL to every negative comment.
	Joe Diaz says, boycott the XFL because of the NFL?
	Two completely different leagues.
	And Joyce Carter says, and?
	Joyce Carter doesn't give a fuck.
	Joyce Carter fucking hates football.
	Joyce Carter knows how to Facebook.
	She boycotts the NFL because they play on Sundays, and that's the Lord's Day.
	The NFL can do whatever they want, such as creating a rival league, and I still won't watch them.
	Except on Monday.
	Monday Night Football.
	You gotta watch Monday Night Football.
	I'm pretty sure the Zionists made Football be on Sunday to compete with church, right?
	Yeah, yeah.
	That makes sense.
	Christian church is... That's why they don't play on Saturday too often.
	Yeah, like... Yeah, that's why they only play on Saturday sometimes.
	Not Saturday, Sunday.
	Shining a light on him.
	Bart's Ceremony says... What?
	That's a real name?
	That's a real Facebook name.
	Oh, okay.
	You can still do that on Facebook?
	Well, my name's Marty Zeider, so I guess you can do that.
	It's one of those Vince McMahon rhetorical questions.
	I'm Vince.
	Bart Ceremony?
	That's the name of a Simpsons episode, right?
	That's definitely... The Bart Ceremony?
	I don't know, you tell us, dude.
	I'm calling it.
	That's like the name of an episode from Season 15.
	There it is.
	And it's not even a pun.
	One you didn't see.
	Are we on 15?
	Bart of Darkness says, That's a great idea.
	Hire veterans to make up the teams, play ball real patriots, etc.
	I would, what?
	You know, and so on.
	You've understood so far.
	We'll just continue that thought.
	That's cool that he spelled out etc.
	though.
	He did spell out etc.
	in one word.
	Probably spell checked it.
	Hey, since I have a teacher on the room, can I ask you a question?
	What is the abbreviation of etc.? ?
	It's ETC dot.
	It is ETC dot?
	Yeah.
	Thanks teacher.
	It is.
	She's looking it up.
	I don't believe you, you're just a UPS person.
	I'm a UPS man, okay?
	It's very important that my job be gendered.
	Whoa, take it easy dude.
	Now you qualify for a heavier load to carry, right?
	You guys are being very aggressive right now and it's frightening.
	Hey, we're unapologetically male on this podcast.
	That's right.
	Vroom.
	Unapologetically male part due.
	This is a great idea.
	Hire veterans to make up the teams, play ball, real patriots, etc.
	I would make a vow to see every game and patronize every advertiser who promotes their products during game time.
	Vince, you are a genius!
	So, uh, Bart's ceremony is going to answer that rhetorical question.
	Well, I guess it's not rhetorical, it just sounded rhetorical.
	Bart is going to answer that question about do you want more ad breaks or less ad breaks with an enthusiastic more.
	More.
	Give me more.
	I want to buy everything.
	More products to buy.
	Everybody knows that people only watch football for the commercials.
	That's true.
	That's why the Super Bowl is the biggest game of the year, because it has the best commercials.
	Yeah, and if you're gonna have good commercials, yeah, hell yeah, I'll buy it.
	I'm seeing an opportunity here.
	I think that maybe we should start some sort of sick ultra-left non-profit and advertise on the XFL, and we'll at least get Bart's money.
	That's a good idea.
	Guaranteed.
	That's a genuinely good idea.
	If we have metal crunching in our commercial, we could probably get on it.
	No, like, remember metal crunching?
	Yeah, actual metal crunching.
	Actual metal.
	We'll put a picture of a poor kid on screen and then break it with a hammer.
	And then be naturally drawn to that product.
	Is this going to be a tampon commercial?
	Well no, it's going to be a non-profit to help poor children, and in small text at the bottom it's going to say, we're just trying to help poor kids.
	We're trying to end poverty, and that's why they're smashing... Hammer smash poverty.
	Yeah, hammer smash the face.
	Uh-huh.
	Tara Forbes says, awesome.
	The NFL is anti-American and we, the people of this great nation, welcome a patriotic football league.
	I didn't hear one ounce of patriotism.
	No, he did a really good job about not doing that.
	Cause I'll say something about Vince McMahon.
	He's a businessman.
	That's what the man stands for?
	Business man.
	M-C-M-A-N I'm just gonna mark this as one week since I've talked to my father since he said he was proud of being a white racist.
	He probably loves Vince McMahon.
	Can you just make sure that gets in the podcast so I can keep a track of this?
	That'll be like the digital lines scrawled on our prison cell.
	It just has to be plopped in the middle of the podcast.
	Dude, I feel you.
	I don't talk to my dad anymore either.
	It sucks.
	Is your dad a white man?
	Yes.
	Dang it.
	And he's incredibly racist.
	Wow, that sucks.
	Yeah.
	High five me.
	I guess.
	What if your dad... Sad high five.
	What if your dad had, like, simpler rules?
	Is your problem with your dad the halftime?
	Ew.
	Yeah, actually.
	My problem with my dad is that his rules are too simple.
	He only had eight of them.
	And they were all about dating his daughter.
	But still!
	But still.
	It's too many.
	Hey, that guy was good.
	Bring back the game.
	Leave the politics out of it.
	And remember, being patriotic is not being political.
	Fuck off.
	That's exactly wrong.
	Yes.
	I think I maybe made this point in one of our previous episodes.
	Yeah we talked about this.
	So standing for the flag, standing for the anthem, I mean I stand for the flag also, but specifically standing for the anthem Inarguably is a political act.
	You know.
	Sitting for it is also political.
	Pledging allegiance is a political act.
	Yep.
	That you're indoctrinated with since the time you're five.
	And it boggles the mind that like, A, your employer could force you to perform a political act.
	Like that seems like it would conflict with your freedom of speech.
	And B, it's also kind of frustrating that this point isn't brought up more over this debate about whether or not players should stand or kneel and how they don't have the right to kneel because that's a political act and you shouldn't be allowed to express your politics at work.
	Standing for the flag is a political act.
	I can't put it in more simpler terms, and I've probably made this point on the show before, so it won't go on, but it's a real weird situation for me.
	Yeah, it's strange, because it's hard to articulate the frustration.
	So your employer shouldn't supersede your basic fucking rights.
	You are my employer, I give you my time, you give me your money, but you may not have my rights, you don't fucking own me.
	And then like saying something like that, like putting that sort of expectation, that political expectation on players, or even any employee really, like you have to do this, I don't care if it's what you believe or not, you're at work, you're basically saying I fucking own you, you do what I tell you to do.
	And that's bullshit.
	Because all these boomers, all these Trump voters, they're small business owners.
	And they want to be able to tell their employee to do whatever the fuck they want.
	And then give them like a dime.
	They want to be able to yell their politics in their employee's face and that's cool.
	They're little baby tyrannies.
	Real quick, the right, so we're talking about like your right to protest or your right to free speech, etc.
	I mean, labor rights, the right to strike.
	Right.
	We all, like, we have that right in this country, supposedly.
	Right.
	That's literally going against your boss to, uh, you know, Demonstrate your rights.
	I mean, this act of striking, you say, fuck you, I'm not going to work.
	I'm genuinely worried that there's going to be some sort of strike event under the Trump presidency, possibly the Teamsters.
	I'm a Teamster.
	Go Teamsters.
	And I'm worried that it's going to get broke, that Trump's going to break the strike, just like Reagan did with the air traffic controls.
	Which would be amazing, which would be incredible, because that backlash should fucking happen.
	Maybe, you know?
	It's going to be crazy.
	Were you going to say something, Tony?
	No, no.
	So I wanted to say this comment about, uh, bring back the game, leave the politics out of it.
	And remember being patriotic is not being political.
	This comment was made by Tara Forbes, whose profile picture was her standing right next to Don Jr.
	Oh, cool.
	She's like a political operative or something.
	I didn't dig into her profile.
	She's like, She's literally a political entity telling other people they can't be political.
	Fucking cheesing it up with Don Jr.
	telling you about how your politics are.
	Goddamn.
	Don't you call that a tyrant?
	Yeah, yeah, I call Patricia a tyrant.
	Or Tara.
	Okay, Patricia Sanders Mason, which is spelled with a Y, Mason.
	What the fuck?
	Yeah, fuck that.
	Yeah, fuck off now.
	Uh, hope this is true.
	I love that the new organization would not include brainless hoodlums, but players who are truly sports-minded with respect, honesty, and integrity, which is almost unheard of these days.
	Yeah, who heard- yeah.
	What the hell are you talking about?
	Thank God for players who are genuine!
	I love this.
	This new organization would not include brainless hoodlums.
	What about, like, a criminal mastermind?
	Would they be allowed in this league?
	Like, what if they were, like, a jewel thief or something?
	Cat burglar?
	Yeah, what if they were, like, a notorious cat burglar?
	What if they have an entire business plan for their illegal operation?
	Like, then are they allowed?
	What if, what if they're like... And again, like, no one said anything about this.
	Like, no one said anything about, like... Well, the Facebook post did.
	Like, this fake video done by, what's, what's the name of this fucking Facebook page?
	Some a-hole.
	The Declaration Presents is the name of this, which, which, I mean, this video had 1.1 million views.
	Like, this is an up-and-coming, uh, right-wing Facebook page.
	XFL gets announced, and some dickhead makes a fucking...
	Video there's several dickheads.
	This is like a several dickhead For sure, it's like what a turning point makes a fucking XFL video This is like what they're hoping is that but this is what they want from it.
	This is them responding to me, man Oh, yeah, they're calling in.
	This is there.
	This is their two cents for what you know, well, we want to see the XFL That's what he said, right?
	Yeah Yeah, would not include brainless hoodlums, but players who are truly sports-minded.
	We need some sports-minded people.
	Like vets.
	I mean, it only... I mean, it only makes sense.
	Like, get all these, like, rap-minded and thug-minded people out of there.
	Get some sports-minded people in there.
	No money-minded people.
	Just sports minds.
	Give it to us.
	I'm saying, what about a mastermind?
	What about a criminal mastermind?
	I think we could meet in the middle.
	Remember that movie Mastermind?
	That's the one with all the minions, right?
	Yeah, and Patrick Swayze.
	And Mark Wahlberg.
	Mark Wahlberg plays Patrick Swayze and he's like, you go mastermind the whole thing.
	God, I would love Mark Wahlberg to play Patrick Swayze.
	I would fucking cream my shorts for that shit.
	That might happen, we'll never know.
	He'll play him.
	They gotta like shoot that movie with everybody else on an apple cart though.
	Like everybody else has to be on a stand besides Mark Wahlberg.
	Yeah.
	Victoria M. because Patrick Swayze was like five foot tall or something.
	A little guy.
	I thought she'd be taller.
	Is the classic line in Roadhouse.
	I mean, he's in a wheelchair in X-Men, so he could like... Patrick Swayze?
	Is Patrick Swayze dead?
	Oh, wait.
	Patrick Stewart?
	Patrick Stewart!
	Oh, you were talking about Patrick Stewart this whole time?
	The whole time!
	A whole lot just happened.
	All right, let's continue.
	Oh man, I want to see a Patrick Stewart football movie.
	Patrick Stewart mastermind.
	I mean, he was pretty tough in Green Room.
	Yeah.
	That's a football movie.
	I'm still going to watch that movie.
	Why not have him in the big green?
	Whoa. - Oh!
	Dude, I started watching that like in the last year.
	Was Patrick Stewart in it?
	Yeah, Patrick Stewart in the middle of a field covered in Cheetos eating grass.
	And then as soon as I saw that, I just flipped it off.
	I was like, I forgot how bad this movie is.
	The last one?
	We got a couple more.
	Let me do this bottom one first.
	Can you imagine the intensity of the games because the players get paid more for winning?
	I think this is some football I could enjoy.
	So that was like another theory about this.
	I love how, I love the like, the, these, uh, what's, what's there?
	They're like economical theories about football.
	They're like plucky, they're like plucky idea men.
	You know, these people who are just, oh, I bet it's going to have this.
	Do they not know?
	What if it had this?
	Dude, the problem with the NFL is the hearings they just had about teams putting out hits on other people.
	Who were literally saying, hey guys, if someone takes a knee out today, if we injure somebody, cause bodily harm, 20 G's coming at you.
	That was actually happening in the NFL.
	Well, they don't watch football anymore.
	That was happening in Little League.
	Maybe some blood.
	Maybe there'd be some blood in the soil.
	No, but this is like an actual part.
	Definitely happening in Little League.
	We don't even need to cite that.
	It was Gatorade cases in Little League, though.
	But you know what I'm saying?
	But they're like, if this was, they would just let that happen, there'd be so much more passion on the field.
	Maybe some blood.
	Maybe there'd be some blood in the soil.
	Buy some with a couple bucks, and they'll be booing real, real bad.
	That was five B's.
	Yeah, can you imagine?
	The thing is, is these players just don't want it.
	Yeah, they don't want it enough.
	Victoria M. Kidder, last comment says, Seriously?
	Respect?
	I don't know what she's responding to.
	This wasn't threaded in another comment thread.
	Seriously?
	Respect?
	Taking a knee is something a bunch of overpaid, spoiled guys who most have criminal records who came up with an idiotic idea about oppression and being subjected to racism and abuse by police officers which none of them know anything about and it backfired!
	What the fuck?
	Where is your period?
	What I was going to say is, every time I see criminal record in one of these comments, I start to tune out.
	And then, naturally, it just happens.
	It's like, who are you talking about?
	And then, so I kind of started to tune out when you said criminal record, and then it comes into, uh... Where is it?
	Abuse by police officers?
	Yeah!
	With an idiotic idea about oppression and being subjected to racism and abuse by police officers.
	Then I was just like, holy...
	And if you're wondering, yes, Victoria M. Kidder is the whitest woman I've ever seen in my life.
	Of course.
	Yeah, you're with an idiotic idea about oppression and being subjected to racism and abuse by police officers, which none of them know anything about.
	Fuck you.
	If you want to learn something about police abuse and racism, talk to Victoria M. Kidder.
	The whitest kid you know.
	The whitest kiddler I know.
	Dude, this is fucked.
	Look, if people were really getting shot as often as they say... Good job.
	Teamwork there.
	If people were really getting shot as often as they say, I would have seen it on Cops by now.
	Yeah, exactly.
	You know?
	And every time I'm watching Cops, those people are never listening.
	The Best Cops episodes are where they like actually kill the person so then you don't need to get their consent to unblur the face.
	Yeah.
	Those are my favorite episodes.
	Best Cop episodes take place in San Bernardino or Rialto or Colton.
	I've seen a couple of those.
	I've seen episodes in all three cities.
	Shout out to IE forever.
	You're right.
	Everyone has rights and that applies to people who believe what they did is disrespectful to our flag and our country which by the way has provided them with very large paychecks.
	They can demonstrate and voice their opinions just like you and I do.
	Okay, well that's very gracious of you, Victoria.
	I'm just going to stop reading and assume we're all on the same page here.
	We're good.
	Yeah. - Yeah.
	Like you and I do, but not on a playing field where people come to get away from all the political crap.
	And stand for the goddamn National Anthem.
	It's where people go to stand.
	And get away from the political crap.
	They come to laugh, enjoy, pray, love, eat, fart, spend time with friends and family, and support their favorite team.
	Alcohol poisoning.
	These players took all that away by using their popularity and their jobs to turn it into something negative, unpleasant, and they should never have done that.
	I love that, like, they took football away from us.
	It's gone now.
	It's gone.
	Are you happy now?
	You mean the criminals?
	Yeah.
	These criminal brain-dead idiots.
	That's ridiculous.
	These criminals with records and dreadlocks.
	Yeah, sure, most of them have college degrees, but those are probably in, like, drug fields.
	Like pharmacology.
	Or chemistry.
	Or biology.
	Communications.
	Biotechnological sciences.
	Okay, I can't remember that.
	Communications.
	That's a fake degree!
	You have a communications degree?
	Liberal studies.
	Liberal studies.
	He has a liberal studies degree.
	I don't have any degree.
	He's not a sucker for this shit.
	That's because he was liberal with his studies.
	Yeah, he graduated.
	Absolutely.
	Or started.
	Last comment.
	I just want to end on this little boy.
	We read it.
	Jonathan Lozano says, Oh.
	If they are made to stand, then I'll watch.
	Absolutely.
	I just want to see some standing, baby.
	If they're made to stand.
	That's why I tune into the NFL for that standing.
	So in the XFL there's gonna be a man with a large steel pole who comes over like a lot like let's just say a football team wide pole that just makes you sit or no.
	No that's the bad one.
	They're gonna have aunts.
	They're gonna have aunts in there.
	Right.
	They're gonna have XFL aunts like.
	The auntie gonna come in and make you stand.
	For the cattle prod.
	Yeah, it's gonna be an electric pole that's a football team wide.
	Do you want it to be an auntie?
	Do you want it to be an uncle?
	Do you make the call?
	Do you want it to be some sort of shock collar that activates when their heads get lower than a certain level?
	Do you want me to be a Studio Ghibli character?
	Or a Funimation character.
	You let me know.
	You want the football players to wear those collars like they did in Wild Wild West.
	And then if they kneel, I sling a giant shredder pog at them.
	And it decapitates them.
	Right in!
	You've all seen Wild Wild West, right?
	You've all seen when James West and Dr. Loveless were having that back and forth about handicapped people and colored people.
	Boy, that was some good times.
	Can't you imagine, though, him leaving the desk?
	These are very specific references.
	Once he goes past the desk, it's just like those steampunk spider legs.
	But let's ignore that scene where they're wearing dresses.
	If we have any GIF masters out there, can we get the Vince McMahon walk, but with steampunk Wild Wild West legs?
	Please.
	Can a GIF master do that for us?
	I want the Vince McMahon walk.
	You know the Vince McMahon walk, right?
	GIF masters know what we're talking about.
	Please make that for us.
	Can't say GIF anymore.
	Is that happening?
	That happened.
	What are we happening?
	What's happening?
	Jif, not Gif.
	No, we're saying Gif.
	Why is it Jif?
	I saw a meme that was the Mean Girls meme that says stop trying to make Jif happen.
	Yeah.
	Oh, I guess I have to listen to the Mean Girls.
	It's because Peanut Butter is with a J. I think Mean Girls meme outweighs that.
	And GIFT is with a G. It's GIF.
	But these are all that awful sound references.
	What is?
	Everything we did right now.
	I was knee deep in Wawa West, which knows no podcast.
	That's just like an exterior element.
	That's a future movie spinoff.
	Those are the past.
	Just the GIF GIF thing.
	Never mind it.
	That's a real argument that people are having.
	I know, I'm mad.
	All right.
	Good show, boys and lady.
	What's up, boy?
	Oh, yeah.
	What's up, boy-o?
	Yeah, teacher.
	Teacher.
	Gif or jif?
	Gif.
	Gif.
	Thank you.
	There it is.
	Teacher says gif.
	There it is.
	I don't teach English, so... What do you teach?
	Science.
	That's kind of way sicker than English.
	Science definitely had to do it to them.
	Science is above English in like the pantheon.
	If you get a big deep fried meme.
	Except with testing, so it's cool.
	But science is fun and everybody likes it so they all pay attention, so whatever.
	Do you make bubbles explode?
	Suck it.
	Like with fire.
	No.
	Remember that?
	Yeah.
	Do you make Breaking Bad-style meth in the... No.
	Okay.
	Alright.
	Well, thank you for doing the show, Sharla.
	Sick!
	Thanks for coming by.
	We love having you.
	Thank you for having me.
	Of course.
	And, uh, yo, please subscribe.
	We haven't said that in a while.
	You literally just fucking hit subscribe.
	Literally, hit that literal subscribe button.
	Literally pull up your podcast app on your Android or literal iPhone, and then you literally type in Minion and Death Cult.
	Well, they've already found it.
	Okay, so Minion, Death Cult.
	Okay.
	It's cool, I don't know how to use podcasts either.
	You touch the picture, which is much easier than typing.
	Well, if you're listening, then you need to hit five stars.
	Please.
	And also, if you can, you know, take it back to our Favorite Take and Make Sunday album, you can do this for Awful Sound and Minion Colt and tell all your friends.
	Absolutely.
	Please.
	Oh, yeah.
	Will you?
	Will you do that for us?
	Tell all your friends.
	Thank you.
	You know how good all this is.
	Just give it to them.
	Right into the show.
	MinionDeathCult at gmail.com.
	That awful sound at gmail.com.
	MinionDeathCult on Instagram.
	MinionDeathCult on Twitter.
	We want to hear from you folks.
	We want to see those family memes.
	Pass on those family jewels to us.
	Seriously.
	Has anybody submitted anything?
	In the Facebook group.
	Let's wrap up this show.
	Thank you for listening.
	Love you fam.
	Bye.
	Dumb sick fam.

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