12 - Unapologetically Male (Spike TV / Cali, Baby)
This week we've got two subjects close to home: Masculinity as defined by Spike TV (RIP) and their "Internal Manifesto," and the sale of California back to Mexico. What we learned from Spike TV: Men love crunching metal, bikinis, and toilets. Beer is a woman's drink. Men want to be friends with TV. What we learned from the boomers who want to sell California back to Mexico: California is going to burn anyway because of "Hellywood," Mexicans took over one of the suburbs, and help, my daughter still lives there. Please rate and review in iTunes, drop us a line at miniondeathcult@gmail.com, follow @iebreakfastparty on instagram for vegan burritos, and check out That Awful Sound Podcast
Oh, do you see this movie that's getting nominated for an Oscar?
About a 24-year-old man falling in love with a 17-year-old boy.
Ooh, yo, one of the best movies I've seen.
What is it called?
Straight up.
Call Me By Your Name.
Okay.
Beautiful film.
I've heard it's great.
He said, it's fucking disgusting.
And I'm like, first of all, I'm a 24-year-old man and a 17-year-old man.
Like, or he said boy.
Yeah.
Like, that is not far-fetched.
That's like, that's a love, that's something we've seen in movies before, in stories.
Real talk, take your dad to go see it and watch him cry.
Well, we're not gonna talk anymore for a couple weeks.
It's a beautiful film.
Can I take him to go see it?
Wait, so how did this get to him being proud to be white?
Okay, because he was like, Hollywood, me too, how's that for me too?
Fucking pedophiles, Hollywood, blah blah blah.
And I was like, Two beautiful white men.
They're gorgeous.
A white guy and a Jewish guy.
They're both Jewish.
But one's more Anglo.
I actually don't remember how it got to the white power thing.
It's not even like a white thing.
I actually can't remember how it got to the white thing.
Tell your dad that white people aren't a race.
They're not a race.
That you can be proud of.
You can be proud of your German heritage or your Polish heritage or whatever.
Jewish is a race.
Right.
People don't consider Jews white, too.
No, they're fucking Middle Eastern.
You know who doesn't consider Jews white?
Whites.
Yeah.
I guess my dad's a Zionist.
I don't know.
He doesn't know.
Dude, I wish you could somehow get him to go see that movie because it'd be so great.
Dude, I'm going to just show him gay porn.
I'm actually mad because it made me... And jack off to it in front of him.
The only thing I don't like about it is it made me think about Sufjan Stevens again, which I haven't done in a long time.
I don't care much for that, man.
Sufjan Stevens?
Yeah.
Sufjan Stevens?
Because he has original music in it.
Okay.
And it's really good.
The whole thing's good.
Just go see it.
All right.
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... conservative humor gone awry is going to fascist-fornia today.
So stay tuned, we're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned guys.
We'll show you exactly what it looks like when you're going to destroy the deserts.
Follow their environmental stuff.
Stay tuned.
I'm Alexander Edward.
I'm Mountain Matt.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
Yeah, and we're Minion Death Cult.
The world is ending.
Matt's dad is responsible.
Oh yeah, finally.
We're documenting it.
I'm glad he got that wax.
Got that heat.
Shots fired.
So we got a fun show for you folks today.
Definitely a more light-hearted take on the current events and culture.
Yeah, man.
Specifically, we're talking about the sad, untimely demise of Spike TV.
Rip.
And the second half of the show is going to be about a subject very close to home, which is The State of Cali, baby, and how we're just possibly going to be auctioned off to Mexico.
It's a possibility.
It could always happen, you know, and so this is going to be a fun one.
I wanted to talk about this Spike TV thing because Um, first of all, specifically, we're going to be talking about the Spike TV internal manifesto that was, you know, distributed among employees.
This is a real tangible thing.
That was incredible.
Yeah.
It's a real tangible bound book.
It's a little black book.
It's a little black book of, which I, is that, that's a metaphor, right?
I mean, that none of their employees got?
Doubt it.
I don't know how big that book is.
Wanky wanky.
I don't know how big that book is.
Oh, that's true.
We don't have a dollar bill next to it.
There's no banana next to it for scale.
You put the cell phone next to it, right?
No banana, dude.
Or another little black book.
Or you put a plantain next to it so you don't feel self-conscious.
Yeah, so the reason I wanted to talk about the Spike TV cancellation, rebranding, and this internal manifesto is I genuinely feel like this manifesto which surfaced recently on Twitter Thanks to Jordan Vandina.
Thanks to Jordan Vandina on Twitter for revealing this to the world.
The reason I wanted to talk about it is because after looking through this thing and just, you know, my cursory knowledge of Spike TV, I genuinely feel that this internal manifesto is one of the most important political documents of the 21st century.
Like, in terms of male culture.
Oh yeah, this is like a...
Like a doctrine.
It genuinely is.
I mean, this is like male identity wrapped up in a nicely released internal memo.
It is a giant phallic metaphor for the caricature of all that is man.
For males, eyes only.
Did you guys watch Spike TV?
Yeah.
I feel like... Ren & Stimpy was on there.
It came back on there and so I definitely watched it on there.
I feel like there were things that were on there.
Cops?
Yeah, Cops was on there.
I didn't really watch that.
Shout out San Bernardino.
Cops is always like one of those things that is simultaneously like entertaining and severely depressing.
Yeah.
Or like Lockup.
You ever watch Lockup?
Yeah.
Like Lockup is super interesting but also just like Soul-crushing.
Yeah, super bummer.
It, like, puts life in context.
Yeah, as far as, like, Spike TV was concerned, the only thing that I ever watched on it was, uh, MXC.
Oh, yeah, MXC was on there.
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Like, when I found that in 2003, I was like, holy shit.
Like, this is a whole new brand of comedy.
This is import Japanese shit.
Strictly physical.
Isn't it Japanese?
Yeah, it was a Japanese game show that was then overdubbed with American announcers and commentators.
Yeah, it was good.
I remember getting stoned after school watching it, turning it on, huffing dust off, and watching that show.
Is this like American Gladiator?
Very similar?
It's more like Double Dare?
Kind of like Double Dare, what's the one with the kids and the teams and it was outdoors?
Guts?
No, uh... No, that's indoors.
Wild and Crazy Kids.
It was kind of like that.
Just, like, picture a... But it's a course.
They're running a course.
Picture a stampede of, like, 50 men outdoors running through mud and foam obstacles and spinning wheels, you know, above more foam.
There was that, uh...
You know, like, doors, like, it would be 50 guys running toward doors lined up, and just half of them would intentionally never open.
Like, they were impossible to be open, so just men would get crushed up against these doors trying to go through.
Fucked up stuff.
It was great.
Yeah, people got severely injured on this show, for sure.
Japan, man.
Just because they padded things, they were still spinning really fast.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, they tried to bring it back with, uh, I don't know if you... Ninja?
No, I don't know if you guys remember, it was like 2013, 2014, maybe, on like ABC or something.
It was called, like, Splash, or it was... Oh, that was the reincarnation of MXC?
Well, it's kind of directly inspired by it, actually.
Because it's just people getting brutalized on foam equipment.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I remember seeing it advertised on my streaming devices.
But a little more like American insurance-involved type.
And it was like one at a time.
You know, you get to watch one person get knocked off of a foam apparatus.
That's whack, yo.
Anyway, that's my experience with Spike TV.
Like, Striperella.
I remember when Striperella came out, which was what, Pam Anderson?
Yeah.
It was her cartoon about like a superhero stripper.
And I remember thinking like, oh, that would be tight.
Like if, you know, if she strips on the show and like she didn't.
So I never watched it again.
Did she like do like awesome things though?
Was she like a badass?
I genuinely can't tell you.
I think she was like a tongue-in-cheek Batman thing.
Yeah, so this internal manifesto manifested the other day on Twitter.
And let's just go through it a little bit here.
First page.
Brand position.
Spike is an entertainment brand dedicated to men.
We are a destination that inspires and defines men.
Ding ding.
Through bold, original entertainment.
So we're about to see, like, what defines The Man.
Okay.
Because there's a legit outline that they have for you, ready to go.
See, it's before, because where is it?
You know, Spike claims to be the first network for men.
Yeah.
See, before this, all men had was a show, The Man Show.
But now, when Spike came along, we had the men's network, which they called Spike for some reason.
I can't imagine why they would have called it Spike Entertainment.
I'm thinking maybe because of a dick.
Like how when you piss, you feel spikes going into your... Every time you take a leak, you feel that pain in your dick?
No, my dick's shaped like a spike.
Your dick is shaped like that gremlin, Spike.
It's got a little mohawk running down the center.
That's fucking cool, man.
Yeah, a little mohawk of zits going down the center.
But they're bleached zits.
Yeah, so it's cool.
It's punk rock.
So it still looks like Spike.
God.
Next page in this manifesto, which features like, I don't know, a suburban house under assault by a tourism helicopter?
Yeah.
You know, the house is exploding and green screened over that, like superimposed.
It's just like a...
Is it a traffic copter or is it just like a charter plane?
It's just like a charter helicopter.
Whoever it is, I'm assuming that our Caucasian male protagonist is piloting said plane away from the building he's blowing up because there's bad people in there.
He's got to be piloting it because he's not hanging from one of the legs on it.
Yeah, he stole it.
He killed like three guys to get that helicopter.
Get more action!
We give guys what they want and what they want is action, action, action!
Whether it's horsepower, bikinis, explosions, crime, vampires, Vegas, video games, ninjas, high-speed chases, body slams, shootouts, extreme sports, or good old-fashioned beatdowns.
Oh, fuck.
Dude.
Yeah, the kind of action I like is bikinis.
Absolutely.
I like bikini explosions.
I like a bikini beatdown.
It's like, it's this gross orgy of like, could you guys imagine if like, Cobra, Stallone Cobra, and like Pam Anderson, and like Bruce Lee, and like, I don't know, like, Vin Diesel?
We're fucking like all of them?
You'd get Spike.
And it'd be on fire.
Spike is for men.
I mean, yeah, obviously.
This is just getting redundant.
Read that beautiful poem.
We're a network for men.
We talk to men.
Get em.
We program to men.
We develop shows for men.
All day.
We're a brand for men.
I mean, this looks like...
This jet, like the typeface on this, and the layout, like it really just looks like an American Apparel ad.
It's like pop art, kinda.
It's propaganda, really.
We understand that we're just throwing away an entire demographic.
We don't give a shit.
We're for men.
No, there's all those other, like, there's, like, you know... Those networks already exist.
There's, like, oxygen for women.
QVC.
QVC!
Spike is here to entertain.
Spike isn't here to preach or to tell you how to live your lives.
That's what your wives and girlfriends are for.
Right, hetero dudes?
See, it's like, it's delivering, you know, information about, like, the culture, the workplace, but it's also cracking jokes.
Spike's here to thrill and inspire you with action-packed programming that provides a rush, kick-starting the adrenaline machine the same way that sports does.
You know how football makes your balls tingle?
I see people scream at football.
Like they yell.
I've seen videos of people saying they're going to kill themselves.
Breaking doors down.
We just watched Philadelphia go apeshit.
It's like this crazy rowdy whole street.
It's just busy and nuts.
And then it pans to this guy who's just super swole with no shirt on wearing an eagle head.
And it is the most surreal thing you've ever seen in your entire life, but it's all so beautifully homoerotic and I love it.
They're like, I just like to watch sweaty men do things.
Oh yeah.
Hey, I like football.
It's a safe way to enjoy the male body.
I like watching sweaty men do things.
You're admiring their ability.
All I'm saying is I don't scream at the fucking TV, but I do like it, so you don't have to.
I love this phrase, kickstarting the adrenaline machine the same way that sports does.
We're just rockin' your world the same way cars do!
And I could imagine... I could imagine, like, playing a sport being a thing that you, like, really feel, but they're not talking about it.
They're talking about just, like, seeing it.
Yeah, this is like... Like, I think Mitt Romney wrote this sentence.
Absolutely.
Like, gosh darn, I just get so pumped when I read about sport.
I get a real rush every time a pitch is thrown.
You know who's a real gentleman?
That Tom Brady.
We want to make you feel good about tuning in by paying you back with the kind of high-octane shows guys can actually relate to.
Once again, see, this is what our economy needs to be based on, not some fiat Zionist currency.
We need to be a high-octane show-based economy because this is how Spike is paying us back in real tangible things of value.
It's not a piece of paper.
Make the shows.
You employ the people to make the shows.
The money trickles down.
You get paid in shows.
You get stuck there and you just watch shows.
You get your monthly subsidized subscription to shows.
They're like, dude, dude, I know that nine to five, you're just getting shit on, like, no respect.
You come home to this, like, is, do you even have a meal waiting for you?
Guess what we got for you?
Everything.
Because you've been underserved your entire life.
And we, we won't hold back for you.
We got your back.
Page three.
Spike is unapologetically male.
Okay.
And the image is black and white, you know, photography.
Oh wow, I just realized what this guy is doing.
Yeah, this is a photo of a crime.
This is a literal crime.
We're looking over a disembodied torso of a woman who's sunbathing at a poolside with her back turned away from us, and behind her, facing her ass, is a dude who's hanging on the side of a pool.
He's in the pool, got his elbows up on the edge of the pool.
And it looks like he's holding a drink and smiling, but he's not holding a drink, he's holding a camera phone.
Filming this woman's ass with a giant smile on his face.
Wait, are you sure that's not a drink?
No, that's definitely a camera.
Listen, if that's your pelvis in this ad, holler at us, because you have a case.
You have a case, because this is an actual crime happening.
This is the picture they use in other companies to say, don't do this, this is a crime.
They're saying like, we don't even care.
Don't apologize.
Every single other company, the HR department is also handing out this manifesto.
This is in terms of what not to do in the workplace.
Don't be unapologetically male.
And guess who didn't get this page?
Vice.
Enough is- Okay, so this is the text.
Oh god.
Enough is enough.
You've been PC'd to death.
Not at Spike.
We never retreat from anything we say or do.
Yeah, I took the picture!
Yeah!
Yeah, I took the picture without her consent!
What's the problem?
It's art!
Yeah, I took the picture.
I took a picture of me taking the picture.
Fuck you!
Oh my god.
So unabashed.
Bold.
We're not afraid to say it, show it, or make fun of it.
And if guys love it and want to see it, we'll never apologize for airing it.
This it, this pronoun here is very ominous.
We're not afraid to say it, Show it, or make fun of it.
Coming soon to Spike TV.
Voyeurs.
And if guys love it, and want to see it, we'll never apologize for airing it.
That covers such a crazy spectrum.
This is everything from like, listen guys, you want to take these illegal pictures?
You want to see some actual smut?
Because if dudes are into it, we don't really give a shit.
Yeah, I'm surprised, like, they rebooted Ren and Stimpy, right?
They rebooted the- well, not rebooted, but they re-aired, like, the Three Stooges.
Shit like that.
I'm very surprised they didn't, like, reboot Candid Camera just with, like, upskirt dressing room shots, you know?
Like you said, like, voyeurs.
Taping GoPros on the underside of a fucking toilet seat.
She thought she was peeing in private!
Gotcha!
Oh my god.
Coming up for the next two hours, we tape mirrors to our shoes.
Oh god!
It's the Mirror Shoe Show!
Oh yes, this is a good one.
Next page.
Two just fuckin' chillin' bros in like polos, pop collars, sideways visor, throwin' peace signs.
It's not even the peace sign, it's like a gang sign.
It's the sideways piece.
Chunkin' the deuces!
Two deuces!
Both wearing, like, Ralph Lauren polo.
Like, one's wearing a chambray, one's wearing a polo.
Hey, you said chambray, bro.
Are you sure this is the network for you?
Um, I like a chambray shirt.
Come on, man.
It's just the frat-iest bros.
It's the bro-iest bro frats.
Bro time.
Spike always has your back.
What makes a good buddy?
Someone who always sticks up for you.
Fuck.
Someone who tells it like it is and won't bullshit you.
Someone who will lie for you, but never lie to you.
Someone who will bust your balls, but do it in a friendly, honest, funny way.
Spike is like most of your friends.
Fiercely competitive.
Fuck.
But fiercely loyal.
This is real, dude?
Be friends with this TV network.
This TV network will be your friend.
They will lie for you.
For you?
Like, to who?
To the wife and the girlfriend.
To your girlfriend, man.
To anybody who's trying to convict you of what you've done.
They'll label shows as like... Can you imagine the testimony from this hypothetical person?
Hey, listen, like...
My bro's a good bro.
My bro would never do a bro like that.
My bro is an awesome bro he reigns.
No, see, yeah, you're definitely right, Tony.
No way, bro.
My bro would never do a bro like that.
Because we got this evidence right here on page three of a man illegally photographing a woman, a woman's butt, without her permission.
And then two pages later, it's like, yo, we will lie for you.
This whole thing is just, like, you know, we've maybe- Bro, wasn't that day your camera phone broke?
Did you have a broken camera phone, bro?
Yeah, this is that orgy of evidence.
This whole manifesto is just gonna be used in an upcoming court case.
Yo, this looks like Vice made it.
It looks fake, right?
Yeah, it does.
You want it to be fake, but it's not.
Okay.
This one right here makes me so sick.
Spike is proud to be men.
Spike is men too, folks.
Gonna zoom in on that one there, dude.
Speaking of Mitt Romney... Spike is men too, folks.
We love that we can scream at the TV, wear mismatching clothes, and throw the baby up in the air without dropping him.
We're proud to be- We're proud of the fact that we can find shortcuts, fix things, be a gentleman, and then the next- and then the next minute, burn rubber.
Oh.
What's crazy is like this right here, this page, is a page I see a lot of.
And it's this weird like... It's this weird like, dude, my bro's a dad, bro.
My bro's a dad.
Well this is like what happens when you become a father too young and you just get locked into whatever culture you were a part of.
Yeah.
It's also this weird like, listen men who can procreate, Fuck.
Look at my, look at my little, my little souvenir I got from the, my dick workshop.
We love to play and we love to work.
We're the alpha dogs.
The big swinging, tool belted, love handled, love machines.
What?
And that's why we love Spike.
Entertainment made by guys who understand guys.
It's the every man for men.
What are you trying to say here?
- Tool belted? - What are you trying to say here? - So like, tool belted is hyphenated, so that's one adjective, but what's the big swinging?
What is that adjective?
What is this big swinging is not hyphenated. - Because of the comma, you can assume that has nothing to do with the tool belt. - At this point in this manifesto, I feel like we need to put a disclaimer at the beginning of the episode.
Yeah.
Be like, yo, this is a mad aggressive manifesto we're about to read.
Yo, this is like a real masculine episode, people.
But you know what?
We're not gonna apologize for it.
Yeah, unapologetically male.
This is some fucking straight up propaganda, though.
It's really crazy looking.
Oh, it's gnarly.
We gotta get one thing out of the way.
There were, like, Zero people of color in that.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
And the entire manifesto, there were a lot of people.
No, the bro, one of the bros was black.
I miss the bro.
I don't think that's accurate.
Are you serious?
I'm pretty sure.
No, scroll up.
I don't see, I don't think there's any... The polo bros?
Yeah.
No, no, no.
That guy's not black.
That's a spray tan.
That is a spray tan, bro.
No, these people are not... He's brown town, though.
They're no hyphens.
No, these are very white browns.
Really, dude?
He's very white.
The guy on the left might be Jewish.
Yeah, no, he's Jewish, but that guy looks black to me.
They're just not black.
There's no black people in this, is what I'm saying.
There's no black men in this, is what I'm saying.
There's zero black men in this entire manifesto.
That's the talk hands talking.
To be fair, you don't see color, so it's hard for you to determine.
I don't see color.
I don't even acknowledge you if you're black.
Just kidding.
Yeah, you do.
You can hear me.
This is the network that was launched with a Playboy Mansion party.
Literally, right?
Like, the first thing that ever aired was, like, the Spike TV party.
So that chunky, gunky carpet, like, their walk- Spike staff's walking all over it.
That's part of the experience, dude.
Yeah, like, during the premiere, you know, they're, like, taking chunks of cum off the carpet and, like, saying what's up to- Like, like, chunks of the Berlin Wall and just taking it home and, like, getting it sealed up in some sort of resin.
The chunks of cum.
Do you remember the good times?
It's probably Hef's cum.
I mean, he's dead now.
He can't cum.
No, he didn't produce cum for the last 20 years.
Yeah, so I was looking for footage of this party.
I found one interview with Nick Lachey that wasn't that interesting.
I find that hard to believe.
The idea is funny.
I can't believe there was an interview with Nick Lachey that was not interesting.
But I was just watching these bumpers, like, this one's good.
They're so crazy.
Just like arm wrestling, just pictures of arm wrestling.
Picture of a Lamborghini.
There you go.
But think about that, like, you don't just put your, you don't just put any sticker on your car.
And you don't have to put any sticker on your Lambo.
So if you're gonna put a Spike sticker on your Lambo, Spike's really tight.
Yeah, there was a Spike sticker on the Lambo, and there's also just one bumper that's just a MacBook with a Spike sticker on it.
That's it.
I don't think it's even... Do you think it's an actual Jamaican?
I sincerely doubt it, because that would entail hiring a person of color.
Yep.
I feel like that's definitely a white guy doing a Jamaican voice.
No, that was definitely like Nick Hexum from 311.
It was a 311 sample is all it is.
That's chill, dude.
Oh, I want to do this... Where is it?
The contact juggling Spike TV commercial.
I didn't watch this earlier because I was just busy, but...
This guy's so excited he has to contact juggle in jukebox.
Real quick, can you please explain what contact juggling is?
Yeah, contact juggling is what David Bowie does in The Labyrinth.
That's exactly what I thought of.
With those crystal balls, and I didn't know it had a fucking name for it, but contact juggling is like, if pickup artistry were a physical sport or hobby, it would be contact juggling.
Or if juggalos had an official sport, it would probably be contact juggling.
No, this like takes a lot of eye-hand coordination and jugglers are having too much fun for any of that shit.
They do real juggling.
I think they juggle hatchets.
They juggle life and the dark carnival.
That's enough.
That's enough.
They can't contact juggle.
No, yeah.
Contact juggling is like a step below close-up magic.
Oh, yeah.
Like, so...
I'm a big fan of circus.
We have a lot of friends that do circus.
I think circus is a cool thing.
Unicycles are sick.
Juggling's sick.
You know what none of them do?
None of them even contact juggle.
They're like, no, that is like, are we on the boardwalk?
Yeah.
Contact juggling is like the tantric sex to regular juggling's yoga.
Okay.
Let me rephrase.
Okay.
I take back juggalo.
I actually meant cyberpunk.
This is a cyberpunk sport.
No, I feel like it's more of a renaissance fair type.
Really?
I was going to go in a different direction, like Raver almost.
Raver is that cross-section.
It's that cross-section right there.
But that isn't cyberpunk, that's steampunk.
Steampunks love to contact jungle.
It is a steampunk thing, that's definitely it.
If it's a gold orb.
Yeah, definitely.
It creates energy as they do it.
Solid gold ball.
That's what runs your fucking powered unicycle, is there's a tiny man contact juggling inside a gyro.
I have to charge my orb real quick.
Inside the wheel.
Oh, can we please just real quick watch this?
Hold on, let me explain the ad though.
So the ad is for the Spike TV, like Party with Spike.
It was like the debut of Spike.
Oh, Super Bowl commercial 2013?
This can't be from 2013.
No, this was published in 2008!
So the description says 2013.
No, this is from 2003.
This is the old Spike TV logo.
This is like, this is when they were debuting and giving out invitations supposedly to the party with Spike premiere at the Playboy Mansion.
So the premise of this ad is a dude receives an invitation in the mail and gets so fucking hype about it that he's got a contact juggle about it.
He's got a contact juggle and beatbox about it.
You know when you get so excited about something you just gotta beatbox about it?
And contact juggle.
Good thing you have your orb on you.
He pops that out of his dickies and he's just like... You're free She-E-Ball?
Listen, listen.
Omar has just received an invitation to Party With Spike TV.
Party With Spike in 13 days, June 16th.
You've seen that thumbnail for the pastrami burger, and I'm like, God damn it, I'm hungry.
No, Spike TV is like the Carl's Jr.
commercial equivalent of a TV network.
It's exactly what it is.
It's Daisy Dukes taking a bite of meat on a charger the whole time.
Finally, the coup de grâce to like cap off our Spike Entertainment segment is the fucking best commercial just Ever ever to air yeah anywhere on on television on the internet And greatest commercial ever appropriately enough the the caption for this YouTube post is greatest commercial ever
all caps three exclamation points and the description is simply Return.
Yeah, line break.
Bad.
Line break.
Ass.
All caps.
Line break.
Five exclamation points.
Simply bad ass.
That's all you need to know about this video.
I'm gonna get a shirt with the same words on it.
You know, it's very close up, high resolution shots of guns firing, engines revving, tits sweating, women engines revving, tits sweating, women moaning.
It's like if Mick G directed Requiem for a Dream.
And this was the scene where you get high on tit sweat.
*laughs* *laughs* One of the- one of the little clips was just of metal crunching It was literally like a piece of metal that was being folded and twisted.
It was the metaphor for what happens to your ribs when your bro punches you in them.
What was that?
No, what that was is it was drywall fracturing when you hit it.
When you punch the wall of your bedroom.
Yeah!
When you're pissed at your fucking lady.
Because you never hit a woman, bro.
And you're only with a lady.
You gotta take it out of the walls.
Even the Spike TV emblem is fractured from just all that masculinity.
So I have a few comments.
This is men in a nutshell, this commercial.
This is Spike TV in a nutshell.
This is men in a nutshell.
This had 23,000 views.
Edward V says, you want to read this one, Tony?
This is your favorite.
My guy, Edward V. For all the morons thinking beer or bacon is missing, go home.
Bacon's a shit meat and beer's for women.
Beer's a woman's drink.
Look it up before you reply with butthurt messages.
He's replying to either comments that have been deleted or just nobody.
Because there's only like 20 comments in this comment section.
Either people had noticed the absence of bacon, which is like a huge platform in the men's identity column.
Now, post Spike TV.
Wait, no, Spike just ended.
Yeah, this commercial is like from 2013 or something.
This is a later era, more high fidelity.
Bacon's been around since then.
Bacon's been around since at least 2013 for sure.
Or since 2011, the bacon boom.
Is that when the bacon boom happened?
I think so.
What makes you tie it right to 2011?
Bacon, popcorn, bacon flavored things.
When did the awesome meal, was that YouTube's channel?
They made the Baconized Bacon Bacon?
Epic Mealtime.
Epic Mealtime, yeah.
Whenever that first Bacon episode came out... That's 2008 or something like that?
That's when it happened.
I see you, Epic Mealtime, and raise you the Burger King Baconator.
Or the Wendy's Baconator.
Oh, you think that's the catalyst of Bacon?
That dates back previous to that, I think.
Is it?
Wendy's what year?
What'd you do?
2007.
Whoa!
The Baconator was introduced in April 2007 as part of a back-to-basics reorganization by Wendy's.
Okay, let's look at epic mealtime.
It's after that I think.
2010.
Oh wow.
Oh wow.
Yeah, Baconator, good job.
Some real sleuth in there.
Dude, I want a Baconator now.
I think Edward V was just anticipating the reaction to there being no bacon in this commercial.
Right.
And calling these morons out, you know, this is like a preemptive strike against the morons.
Like, for all y'all morons thinking beer or bacon is missing, go home.
Bacon is a shit meat, and beer is a woman's drink.
What, because of all the yeast in it?
I guess, I don't know.
Like yeast is a product of a woman, not a man.
It's because of the low alcohol content.
It settles down their stomachs.
You should have cold beers a day while you're pregnant.
Uh, TheJester8888 says, Damn, the gun, the car, and the girl.
Wow.
Wow.
I just wanna say, damn, the gun, the car, the jester, wow.
TheJester8888, wow.
Oh, does that mean he's, like, doubly racist?
Yeah, hail Hitler, hail Hitler.
Uh, twice.
Anyway.
John Nguyen says, If this commercial turned into a guy, I would drink a beer with him.
Absolutely.
What's funny about- Yo, if this commercial were a girl, I'd fuck her.
Well no, because this whole video is- But that would be impossible because this commercial is a man.
This commercial is a man coming, is what this commercial is.
So I can only let him fuck my hand.
While we're drinking a beer.
Donnie Buchanan says, only one word to describe vagina, and then nothing else by itself.
Just by itself!
There's only one word to describe vagina, and I guess he just used it?
Yeah.
Vagina?
Vagina.
That's the word.
Well, I don't know if you guys have ever used this move, but if you're ever sexting with a lady, you just send her this video and be like, girl, you make me feel like this.
And then you send her that commercial and boom.
Please, please, sweetie.
I showed you spike commercial.
Send nudes.
Send nudes.
I want to feel like this commercial.
Send nudes.
Maxi Nelson says, almost all the things men want in life, but something missing.
Oh, I know.
Toilet!
What?
So crazy.
Hell yeah, Maxi.
When you wake up and you just shit your beer shits out in the toilet.
You just blast one out?
God damn, that's man shit right there.
Wait, this is my day, except for they didn't keep it real enough.
Smell it, just smell the room after.
There's only a few things men want in life.
Tits sweat, body blows, and oh yeah, toilet!
Toilet!
Oh, I know!
Toilet!
Insane.
This guy makes eye contact with his girlfriend while he farts and then Dutch ovens her.
Absolutely insane.
And is like, got you!
This man loves toilets, but thinks wiping his ass is gay.
Absolutely.
He thinks washing his ass is gay.
Well, I mean, how do you wash your ass?
I do it with TP.
Another thing that was great while I was researching old Spike TV shit were these- These are nuts.
So like, much like the bumpers that we were talking about, like the call signs, you know, what the channel plays to remind you that you're watching that channel, were these things called manisms.
Now that's just a good marketing attempt.
of them.
It was manism number 29.
I could only find three of these and so I don't think there were actually 42 of them, which is the highest numbered manism I have here.
Now that's just a good marketing attempt.
There are a bunch, but you only get three.
Yeah, I remember this.
There were a few companies tried doing this sort of like tongue-in-cheek, you know, like life hack.
Yeah, rules, you know, like MTV tried it.
Do you remember the MTV bumpers?
There's one I remember specifically where it was a guy, like a stick figure man in a shower trying to get the pubes off of his bar of soap.
And he, like, it would show him, like, holding the bar of soap under the stream, under the shower stream, and then tilting his hand one way, and it showed, like, it showed, like, the degrees.
It was, like, wrong and then right.
Yeah, it would show, like, the degrees that he tilted it to, and it wouldn't work, and then he tilted it the other way, and then it worked, and it was like, ding!
That's hilarious.
Can I tell you something, though?
It's pretty funny.
It's like WarioWare.
Can I tell you something, though?
I have referenced that commercial in my head.
Have you really?
Rinsing a pube- In your head?
I don't- I think that's just an idea.
Rinsing a pube off of a bar of soap.
I've thought about that commercial.
Absolutely.
I think about that commercial a lot.
Such a problem.
I have to pee so bad.
Also, if there were 42 man-isms- That's just man shit, bro.
Don't be ashamed.
It's one thing you need is what?
Oh yeah, toilet!
I need toilet!
Okay, so manism number 29 had a, you know, these are all, like, very simple art direction.
It is just like that stick figure cutout type thing.
And this one had a picture of a poodle, you know, like a silhouette, basically, of a poodle.
And the tagline, the manism itself was, we're not best friends with all dogs.
Especially gay dogs.
Yeah, especially poodles, I guess?
What?
It's so weird.
That's the gay species.
Like, this is just, uh, this is just based on the phrase, man's best friend.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like, I'm trying to think of other, like, phrases with man in it that you could like, like, we're the kind of man that eats the tiger.
Man eating tiger.
No hyphen.
No hyphen.
I get it.
Man-eating chicken.
What if we have this all wrong, though, and they actually are talking about we only fuck with purebreds?
Like, they're best in show, show dogs, only purebreds, only papers.
Oh, so the poodle was their friend.
The poodle is their friend.
Is their only friend.
No, they don't mess with, like, you know.
I can get with that.
What if it was the other way?
I mean, they have standards.
I think it's much dumber than that.
Oh, it absolutely is.
I think it's just...
Okay, it is?
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Tony was doing a little bit.
Okay, that's a bit.
Okay, a bit.
I like a bit.
Yeah, a little bit.
Manism number 31.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions.
Neither do we.
Remember our hero, Christopher Columbus?
Well, no, okay, well they're admitting that Christopher Columbus had faults, which was that, you know, he didn't ask for directions.
Nah, he was wrong.
And racist.
It wasn't like the ethnic cleansing, or the genocide, or anything like that.
Nope, I don't need directions, you're Indians now, I'm in India, give me my spices, I'll be going home now.
And to be fair, Christopher Columbus didn't have any directions to get there and he didn't have any directions once he was there.
He just played it by ear.
He made his own rules.
Like a man.
Manism number 42.
This is probably my favorite.
It had a picture, a real simple picture of just a baby bottle.
Picture like you're, if you have a dash light in your car and the baby bottle is running out and the dash light pops up, like that's what this image of a baby bottle is.
And it said, the caption was, your son deserves better.
Okay.
Explain it to me.
It means your son deserves tits.
Okay.
Give your son tits?
Your son needs them titties.
Like the mom's tits?
The wetter, the better.
Okay.
The whole, the whole thing is so crazy.
It sucks.
This is like, yeah, this is like, not only do we throw our sons in the air, not only do we throw our babies in the air, we throw them laterally at tits.
At tits.
See if they suck onto it.
Laughed right on.
That's how you know your baby's a man.
It's true.
Or a straight.
Should we not read the comments from the Vice comments?
Yeah, I don't think we have time.
Yeah, fuck that.
We still, this is still, basically, we're not gonna miss you, Spike.
See you later.
Peace.
Yeah, see you later, dude.
Yeah.
I don't know, somebody else pick up MXC for syndication.
I'd probably, like, like Netflix.
It's like a prime Netflix or Hulu program if I ever heard it.
Would you really remember if you forgot what episode it was when you watched it on YouTube?
Like, just go watch it on YouTube.
Oh, if it's available on YouTube, yeah, I'll do that.
Okay, so our next topic...
Is, uh, this- this meme that was floating around in- in some of my deplorables groups and on, uh, you know, other pages.
Hold on.
It's not a meme, dude.
It's word art.
It's word art?
It's for sure.
It's- it's not only word art, it's word art in video form.
Yeah, it's- it's video, it's- it's old person video word art.
Like, if the page has comedy in the title, you know, or the page has remember in the title, uh, They do this thing now where their memes are actually videos.
And I've heard the theory is because they don't want people to steal it.
That makes sense.
You know, because, you know, you can't just copy a video unless, you know, you have screen-grabbing software, which comes standard on every single Mac computer.
Yeah.
Okay, so the meme itself says, uh, sell California back to Mexico for 20 trillion.
We get rid of the libtards and wipe the national debt.
You won't wipe your ass, but I would wipe that national debt.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So this really struck a nerve with me, being a Cali boy, being a soy boy.
Soy chill vibes.
Being a La Croix boy.
This really hits close to home.
It hits the Cali Cartel where it hurts, right?
Absolutely.
Shout out.
Best Coast.
Hashtag Cali Cartel.
I think we can kind of dispense.
So like on the main post it was Almost, it was like 90% people pointing out how fucking stupid this post is.
Yeah.
In terms of what California contributes to the national economy.
How tax, or how these things work in general, or like how debt works, how our national debt works.
How food works.
How food works.
My favorite ones, though, were the ones that were saying, like, no guys, this is absolutely wrong, but they kept on going with it.
They're like, this is, this is actually, it was like this nihilist racism.
The one that's talking about building a wall across the entire border of California.
Yeah.
That one's like, this one's so- You gotta be more specific, though, because there were a few about that.
The one that was like, uh, they'll just hop that wall, too.
Like- Right, be realistic.
Give them California, they're still gonna come in.
They're still gonna hop that wall.
Right.
There are a few of those.
Like California, you know, literally like what the fifth or sixth largest economy in the world by itself.
Yes.
Pays more to the federal government than it receives back from the federal government, etc, etc.
We can get all of that like pedantic Nerdy noise out of the way right now and just move on to like the real like red meat.
Let's let you know Let's see what the the boomer the commenter thinks about this Cheryl Shannon says oh Don't forget about getting rid of all those illegal aliens and their kids.
I don't care where they were born Absolutely not.
I don't care where they're born, they're fucking illegal.
They're born- I can just tell they're illegal.
They look illegal.
This person's so gnarly, like- Yeah.
Yeah.
That's so gnarly.
She's a fucker.
But what's funny though, in her mind though, is if they can stay in California, as long as we recall it Mexico now, and build a wall around it, they can stay there because they're not illegal.
Like, they don't have to move them out.
Which is- Like, this person's like- It's funny that they're admitting defeat in a weird way.
Yes.
Well, I don't know.
They're acting like this is a second proposition.
Like, okay, the meme posits that we sell California to Mexico for $20 trillion.
Because that's the nice round number they picked.
Well, I think it has something to do with the national debt.
I think the national debt is up there somewhere.
Oh, I'm sure.
They would cover it and then give some.
But Cheryl says, okay, yeah, don't forget about getting rid of all those illegal aliens.
So on top of that, we get rid of the illegal aliens.
Oh, this is an addendum.
Elsewhere in the world?
I don't know.
Bruce Shepard says, if that were to happen those stupid idiots would allow the Pacific Coast to be flooded by immigrants and foreign enemies.
Hell yeah, motherfucker.
So if California were part of Mexico, Those motherfuckers would just let it get flooded with Mexicans.
Exactly.
Enemies.
Enemies of the nation.
That beautiful coastline.
If we sold this to Mexico, who knows what kind of Mexicans would be there.
Fuck, man.
It's even worse, like, who's gonna protect us from Japan?
Gene Smith says, man that would, okay this is a gnarly comment.
Yeah.
Gene Smith says, man that would be great.
Wipe out the WAP Pelosi.
Which, if anybody doesn't know, is an old-timey slur against Italians.
Yeah, which is so, like, fucked.
That actually harkens to our current time because WAP stands for Without Papers.
Yep.
It's also a nomenclature for Gucci Mane, the trap god.
Guap.
That's probably what he meant.
Yeah, he's just like, uh, Gucci.
Maxine Waters, Dianne Frankenstein.
I like that.
10,000 witches and all of Jerry's socialist politicians along with the freeloaders and illegal immigrants.
Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus!
Is that my dad?
Seven exclamation points.
Is that my dad?
It's so crazy.
Have you heard that phrase before?
What?
What?
Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus.
No!
No, what's that from?
I was like, what the f- This has to be from something.
Did you Google it?
Yeah, it seemed out of date.
Like, this is more recent than Christmas.
It makes no sense.
It's an illusion.
It's a reference to a fucking New York Times op-ed from 1897.
That was like a... Man, I couldn't even stand to read it because it was just the corniest shit.
But it was like, it was like a little girl named Virginia wrote into the paper, or it wasn't New York Times, it was something else.
Anyway, it was a paper of record.
It was a paper of note.
Is that still around today?
I don't know.
And she wrote in asking if there was a Santa Claus and it was like this op-ed that was like, Santa...
Is an ideal that exists in all of us.
Santa Claus is love.
And I was like, okay.
And so it's become the most reprinted news article of all time.
Okay.
Oh, I can see that.
But nobody's referenced this in 30 years.
Gene Smith.
Gene Smith was fucking 75 years old.
This is one of the phrases that is stuck in his brain along with Dianne Frankenstein.
Facebook, baby.
10,000 witches.
That would be a good name for a band.
That's tight.
It's like... It's like 100 Demons.
Yeah, I was gonna say a tour of the 100 Demons.
Man, we're kismet there.
100 Demons!
Shout out.
It's a New York band, I think.
They're heavy.
Heavy duty.
Leah Goldstein Watson says, Get my daughter out first, then do it.
Huh?
Then Tristan Welbedor says, Everybody means everybody.
Either you're for it or against it.
Clearly though, you're unaware of the Federal Reserve, the reason we're double the amount in debt than there actually is currency.
And then Leah replies, She's a minor.
Which is like the most reasonable response I've ever seen from somebody wanting to sell California back to Mexico.
Like recognizing, hey, this is like a kid.
Sell it back to Mexico.
She's with her dad there and I just want her to come back.
I don't want her to be, you know, I heard about those, Trump told us about the Mexicans.
She probably got picked up by one of the MS-13 gangs.
She has a face tattoo now.
Yeah.
Like Chuck Schumer and that meme I sent you guys.
Yes.
That's so crazy.
I love that meme.
I love it so much, yeah.
I can't believe someone did that to it.
It's pretty good Photoshop.
It looks really good, yeah.
It's just like Chuck Schumer with gnarly gang facial tattoos all over.
It's great.
William McNeely says, We would have gotten run over by Mexicans right here in Greenville, South Carolina if not for President Trump.
What?
They have already took over one of the suburbs.
One of the suburbs?
How do you quantify a suburb?
Like, the whole suburb?
The neighborhood now has fresh tortillas available.
I saw a fucking Elote man.
Oh man.
The neighborhood is under siege.
He was happy and he smiled and said here you can have corn for two dollars.
He definitely did not see an Elote man in South Carolina.
Hell no.
Don Kelly says we could wipe out...
Don Kelly, that's right, Don Kelly says we could wipe out a lot of the debt if we just gave back to Mexico.
Mexican flag.
Yes.
There are a lot of freeloading there.
Cost taxpayers a lot of money.
And I'm just going to laugh instead of reiterating the point that California contributes more to the federal government than we receive.
And in their mind, they don't even want anything, they don't want even, paying for California is one thing, but just, they think that they're going to cut off the extra fat.
They think that if we just got rid of California and weren't paying everything for them now, we'd be fine.
But that's like the opposite of how things work here in real life.
The one honest comment I saw was, cut off California and then the Electoral College is even more tilted toward the red.
I was like, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's like, that's a sensible argument to make if you're talking about like, uh, you know, forcibly removing, maybe not forcibly, cause you're just drawing a line.
I guess you would probably have to like patrol the perimeter.
So that counts as forcible force, but you know, like forcibly removing people from your citizens, from your country, just human beings, forget the citizens part, but, uh, you know, forcibly removing people, like at least your government, At least you're justifying it with something that makes sense, like less liberals and less left voters.
But it also made me think of when we were talking about immigration last week with the whole Democrats need shithole immigrants so they can get shithole votes.
There was one point that I forgot to mention, like the most obvious point to mention.
Democrats don't need more votes.
Democrats already have A lot more votes!
If you count up all the votes that were cast in like every House race, that were cast in every Senate race, that were cast in every presidential race, Democrats just have more votes.
Yeah, it's not the issue.
Don't need any more votes, really.
Voters aren't the issue.
um oh this is oh there he is look at that neckbeard that is the the archetype of a neckbeard this is what a neckbeard looks like when he achieves the rare age of 65 like when that neck is full white when that That hand and forearm that he's using to wave awkwardly to his webcam have turned a sort of like translucent gray.
Gray skin.
It's like that color a fucking bloated corpse gets when it's been in the ocean for three days.
Really jellyfishy.
Yeah, and he's wearing, like, the Ted Kaczynski glasses, you know, like the clear aviator- was that Ted K- no, who am I- who's the serial killer?
BTK.
Yeah, okay, BTK, or who's the guy who's, like, actually the charismatic handsome one?
Oh, uh, Ted Bundy.
Yeah, kind of like the Ted Bundy glasses.
Did he wear glasses?
Maybe not, maybe, I don't know.
I think so.
He's a dead guy that came out of the ocean.
He's a gnarly dude, like Weekend at Richard's.
His avatar is just like him raising his right hand, like he's swearing on his keyboard.
There's an X-Files character that looks like him.
I'm sure there is.
It's like a bloated, dead, also not dead person that still works.
What's funny is if you look at the shape of him, not to...
He's a two-eyed minion.
I mean this is definitely the cover art for the episode.
Yeah.
This guy's picture.
My kid.
Very minion-y.
His head is a fucking minion.
He's very minion-y.
His head is a cylinder.
Yeah.
I will figure out Photoshop and show you guys what this is about.
He's a two-eyed minion.
I mean, this is definitely the cover art for the episode.
Yeah.
This guy's picture.
Yeah.
And I don't feel bad about making fun of him at all.
No, no.
Because I'm about to read the most vile comment of the episode, which...
We should have some sort of, like, award we give out to the most vile person of the episode.
You know what I mean?
Like the minion?
Yeah, like the golden minion, or, you know, the blue star, like our own blue star.
There is a name for, like, the favorite minion, and I forgot what it is.
I'll figure that out.
This is a wretched comment.
Probably trigger warning.
Trigger warning on sexual assault.
For real.
And how many idiots like you, referring to Californians, because you know there were, like I said, there were a lot of people in the comments section just dunking on the original post.
Richard Carlson says, and how many idiots like you have to be maimed or killed, or better yet, which is an interesting choice of words, better yet, with you watching your wife, mother, children, raped or killed by illegal immigrants, That's one of the longer parentheticals I've seen.
Breaking the law, colon, from a parking ticket to Hillary selling uranium to the Russians with Kenyan Obama and N.GG.R Holden's blessing, which did happen and constitutes treason and espionage, end parentheses.
That's one of the longer parentheticals I've seen.
Not done yet.
Because your sanctuary state permits it and coddles the crooks at your taxpayer expense.
If I had to choose between hell and eternity in California, I'd take hell because at least there I might have a chance of getting thanks to JC.
And then he replies to his own comment of getting out.
Little typo there.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, my God.
Well, so, okay.
I'm kind of speechless.
I think we kind of need to maybe explain what a sanctuary state is to people who don't know.
Sanctuary state is just a state that refuses to comply with, like, ICE.
Yeah.
And it's usually not... Why you don't see ICE around in California, right?
Right.
Well, we just recently became a sanctuary state.
That's a rare thing.
I don't think there are many.
There's not many at all.
Yeah, I don't have that in front of me, but it's normally a sanctuary city.
It's a city that refuses to cooperate with ICE.
Basically, all that means is if ICE asks you You know, give me your police records for people who have been undocumented that you have maybe for committing another crime or whatever.
Parking violations, literally.
A parking violation or whatever.
They don't give ICE that information.
That doesn't mean that that person doesn't go to jail for breaking the law otherwise.
It just means they don't get deported.
We don't hand people over to ICE.
And that's a good thing.
That's a great thing, okay?
It doesn't mean that if an undocumented person is caught Doing something bad that they don't go to prison.
Okay, they definitely fucking do.
I'll tell you what, if you want to go ahead and try to sell some uranium on the black market and you get caught up, you're gonna get taken care of.
Like, we're gonna, you're gonna pay your dues.
But, we're not gonna, you know, it's, that's not what's happening.
I love how he, uh... This face.
I love, I love how he, like, censored the n-word.
Yeah.
In a very, like, I think he's probably gotten banned from Facebook before for using it.
post.
It's wild.
I mean, just go for it.
It was just like, yeah, why would you not just...
I think he's probably gotten banned from Facebook before for using it.
Oh, is that what happens?
This is how you get around it?
Not automatically, but if people report it...
Is that how you skirt it?
I think it might be.
Does he mean Holder?
Eric Holder?
He does mean Holder.
Okay, I thought so.
Yeah, but it's... Holden Caulfield.
It's N-word Holden.
Like, that's his name.
N-word Holden.
Like, N-word Jim.
That's insane.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, this dude is psycho.
Yeah.
There was another comment.
I don't think I wrote it down, but another one where he was, like, going off on somebody.
Okay, let's move on from...
Unless you guys got something more to say.
This guy's just human garbage.
Fuck this guy.
This guy is winning the award for, uh, you know, most minious minion.
He's our blue star boy anyway.
Blue star boy.
Blue star boy.
Yeah, that's a guy, Blue Star Boy.
Alright, Blue Star Boy, Richard Carlson.
Remember that name, this dude's going places.
Yeah.
Remember him so you can fucking proselytize him.
Wait, no, that's the wrong word.
Proselytize means like preach to him, so you could preach to him.
Yeah.
You could witness to this dude.
I just tried for a $3 word.
I liked it.
Get some change back.
Keep your coins.
Keep the change, you filthy animal.
Yeah, that's Obama change.
Okay, this also gets up there with pretty vile, but it's more traditionally vile.
Well, maybe that's not the right word.
It's easier than what we just went through.
It's more like righteous.
I don't know how to pronounce this person's name.
Can anybody else take a stab at it?
Chetina?
Chetina Warner.
Chetina, there we go.
Chetina.
Chetina Warner.
Chetina Warner says, seems to me that with time they will be burnt down completely.
California will be burnt down completely.
Oh man.
Satan gave them gifts for being immoral.
Goddamn, like it feels great to be immoral, but then you get a gift on top of it.
From Satan?
Hell yeah, dude.
Like what, the gift of Hollywood?
Yeah, dude.
The gift of... The gift of gab.
The gift of... California gabbing.
Give them, uh, Satan gave them gifts for being immoral and will always take them back.
Much of the acting in Hollywood, parentheses, helly what?
You know.
That's a good one, Shatina.
Are immoral with the nakedness in bed with persons who are not their spouses.
The touching, hugging, kissing, etc.
It's called acting there, but adultery and filth in the real world.
So when you're in a movie and and you're You're with another woman in a movie like where you know, you're like you're quote playing their wife Like you're committing the cardinal sin of adultery really bad news, bro.
God sees everything but doesn't watch movies Not at all.
He's not interested.
Only if it's in 70mm.
Exactly.
It's called acting.
You might be pretending, but God knows what's in your heart.
And God help you if you're a really good actor.
If it looks even more realistic, boy... You're gonna get fucked.
Satan gave you this gift, but he's about to take it away.
Exactly.
And the spouses watch and even enjoy these behaviors.
So this is just about getting rid of Hollywood, right?
This is about, like, how, like, having sex in a movie.
Not even a, like, not even a porno movie.
Like, you know, like, like, acting in a movie.
Like in Failure to Launch.
Yeah.
When they're, when they're, like, having that, that fully clothed sex scene.
Exactly.
That's adultery.
It's adultery, yeah.
Awkward sex scenes, you know, when you just film them, like, hugging.
Yeah.
Money and Fame is what they are about.
Dressing half-naked, boobs widely exposed.
Widely exposed.
I love boobs widely exposed.
I'm gonna take a wide screen shot.
Boobs.
There's boobs.
I don't care if they burn to the ground for their evil.
Okay, Shatina.
You need to chill out a little bit.
We should probably burn down Hollywood before we sell them California, right?
Right.
Watch some movies, Shatina.
Just like fucking chill.
Yeah.
I feel like if these people really understood California, they'd be a lot more mellow.
Way more chill.
It's like you're in Venice.
Venice Beach, baby!
L.A.
Go to L.A.
Santa Monica Boulevard.
Get a Pink's Hot Dog.
Convertibles.
Diarrhea your bed at night after.
Let's meet in the middle.
Let's meet it in and out.
The God's own fast food chain.
We can meet at the one in Arizona if you want.
Oh, they got one there now?
I don't know.
I don't approve of that.
I don't either.
I think there were like lines and shit.
We don't have lines here.
Nah, we can just be like, come on, you like this?
Come over here though.
Have you guys had the hot chocolate yet?
No.
There's hot chocolate?
Yeah.
And like people are making- I rarely go to In-N-Out.
People are making a big deal like, do you really want In-N-Out hot chocolate?
People are making a big deal because they want it or they're like pissed or what?
It's a menu change.
It's a menu change.
That's it.
It's the first time they've had a menu change in like 20 years.
Yeah.
Did they release some sort of like satanistic cult commercial about the hot chocolate?
Like Taco Bell?
No, they can't.
They actually, it was in a lot of sermons last week.
Like, if you drink the hot chocolate, is there, like, a proverb at the bottom of the cup?
I think there's another verse on this cup.
Yeah, there's a different verse.
I hope there's a different verse on this one.
It's because it's cold out.
It's winter.
Time for hot chocolate now.
Yeah, it's cold out here.
It's nuclear winter in California.
Nuclear winter now, so... I'm just saying, like, chill out, and once you're chill, then you can warm up with a cup of hot chocolate.
Yeah, exactly.
John, er, T.J.
Knutzen.
We just spelled K-N-U-T-Z-E-N.
Knutzen.
Knutzen.
See, this guy's probably a Cali boy deep at heart.
His nuts are totally zen.
Exactly.
Oh, for sure.
This guy's a very chill bro.
He says, I get the joke, but if you are serious, you are a dipshit.
Absolutely.
Which, yeah.
I don't know which side he's coming from.
I mean, I get it, but I hope you're being funny because this is not actually feasible.
Yeah.
Like, I get the joke, but yeah.
We all like to laugh.
John, do you want to pronounce this, Matt?
Is this one of yours?
It's in your wheelhouse?
Yeah, I think it's slightly in my wheelhouse, just barely.
Kushneric?
Yeah.
Yeah, Kushneric.
Yeah, okay.
John Kushneric.
By the way, that wasn't a Jewish thing, that was a Polish joke I was making.
Oh yeah.
No, it's Polacki.
This is where it gets crazy.
This is where it gets crazy.
Who's Moonbeam Brown?
Okay, Moonbeam Brown is our governor, but the only people that call him that are people who were like voting adults in the 70s.
Oh, they call him Moonbeam because he's a flower kid?
Kind of.
Or he was a hippie.
Possibly.
That was the stereotype of his original candidacy because he was a governor of California back in the 70s and he was considered like an outsider.
Like an outside weirdo agitator.
And so as a derogatory name they called him Moonbeam Brown.
That was as vitriolic we got in the paper back then.
This is early Crooked Hillary.
So that's what, like, all these fucking boomers and greatest geriatric generations are calling him.
They're calling him Moonbeam.
And I was like, what the fuck is Moonbeam?
Because it's a slight in their eyes.
I know, but they all remember that.
They all lived through that.
This is a callback.
Like, that's, yeah, anyway.
They'd die already.
Okay, so the comment here is great, though.
So, as soon as the illegal immigrant population becomes the majority, they will have a state referendum to secede.
It's easy.
Basically what he's saying is like...
Yeah, like, all the illegal immigrants right now would vote to secede, but they're just not the majority.
Right, yeah.
There's just enough of them.
So, logically, like, they have to, like, logically speaking, they have to become the majority before they can vote to secede.
Before the undocumented citizens can vote to secede.
Like, they have to be, let's face it, they have to be a majority because that's the way our voting system works.
Right.
You can be illegal until you get to the majority.
And then...
Guys, it's just a moment in time before they organize and get rights.
You gotta squash this now.
And then the second part, it's the democratic method for non-violent succession.
They obviously mean secession.
And it's like, what is the other method for non-violent secession?
Is he criticizing Democrats for voting on a referendum?
Or is he just calling it like it is?
It's a democratic method?
No, because this is capital D, democratic, so it's referring to the party.
Okay.
Well, this guy's a jerk.
Because I don't think autocorrect autocapitalizes democratic.
He did that himself, referring to the party.
Yeah.
That's just the libtards' way of... Why don't they just fight their way out of this?
That's just the libtards' way of instituting policy.
So crazy.
Danny Cheek, this cheeky little boy Danny says, then Trump could deduct the cost of the wall and make Mexico pay for it.
Brilliant idea.
So I tried to wrap my head around this.
Yeah.
I think what he's saying is you take the 20 trillion that you just gained from Mexico for selling California.
And then you deduct the cost of the wall from that chunk of money and move it over to the chunk of money that's going to the wall so that you can say, hey, this money used to be Mexico's at one point, therefore they're paying for the wall.
Gotcha!
Like you're still taking money, your own money, that you've already received for the sale of California.
Brilliant idea, says Danny Cheek.
Fuck, dude.
There's just certain tenets from the campaign that should never let go.
This is another special kind of stupid observation.
Mexico's gotta pay for it.
They gotta pay for it.
They did.
They will.
Once they buy California, it's part of the deal.
I hope they buy us.
I do.
I hope they buy us.
Last comment, I think.
Danny Holtay says, one, the nation is really divided by county, not states.
Okay.
I mean, I guess that's, I mean, it's true that it's also... That's a subdivision.
It's also divided by county.
To the majority of California, geographically, would be determined, quote, red.
This is an argument that I love.
Huh?
Like, yeah, sure, the people are mostly blue, but, like, the land and that street over there, like, those are Republican.
Like, this farm is Republican.
Yeah, the whole, uh, the whole, like, uh, every government building you see, those are red.
Like, those red blocks.
Yeah, I guess that's, like, Trump lives there.
Yes.
Trump lives at the county courthouse.
Uh, yeah, no, I love this art.
Like, this is an argument that people make.
Like, yeah, sure, if you want to go by people, we got more, we have more Democrats.
Yeah.
But we're here too.
Residents that live here and have preference.
But there's sections where it's just us.
Orange County.
If you look on a map, there's red right here.
There's a lot of red right here.
So, 61% of California voted for Hillary Clinton.
Yeah, that's a big chunk.
By the way, that's probably one of the largest margins, one of the largest Democratic margins In the country.
Yeah.
We're blue.
Forever.
But we're hugely pop- we're a very populous state.
Right.
We are the most populous state in the nation.
Yeah.
So, so, you know, like 41% voted Republican.
Exactly.
That's still millions of people.
Yeah.
We have the most registered, like, okay, when I say registered, I mean, the ACLU has them documented as registered hate groups.
We have the most in the country.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, that makes sense.
Like Orange County, just the board of Orange County should be considered a hate group.
God, yeah.
Yucaipa is home to some KKK and all kinds of shit.
Yeah, we live in the Inland Empire.
Shout out IE.
What up?
IE is like...
It's pretty conservative relative to the whole state.
It's not LA, it's not San Francisco, obviously.
There's real conservative pockets.
It's about half and half.
Lots of poverty, which means they're typically vote blue if they're voting.
If they're voting, yeah.
Oh, I just want to say fuck the Democrats for giving up trying to vote on the DREAM Act.
Fuck the Democrats, that just happened.
Blowing it.
Why let the right argue in their fucking realm?
Why operate within their grasp?
Because they're so afraid.
Democrats are just constantly afraid.
Constantly operating from a defensive crouch.
There's this whole mentality where people are like, I literally heard today on a podcast them say, no wait, we can just take a loss and wait until November.
They're like, no, we'll just, we'll fix it later.
No, and that's what I was saying.
That's not a thing.
No, no, no.
And there's a fucking deadline.
There's a March deadline for when the Dreamers start getting deported.
Exactly.
They're like, no, we'll just bring them back in November.
That's going to be real fucking real then.
That's going to be crazy when that happens.
There's, what was I going to say?
Yeah, it's the downside of having Trump as president because, like, it's definitely true that the left is more animated because Trump is president.
If Hillary was president, like, liberals and probably the left to a certain extent would be placated and would get lazy, you know what I'm saying?
And Hillary being president would animate the right, you know, just like her existence did, just her pure existence did for the last eight years.
However, with Trump as president, it animates the left so much that the Democrats can coast on it.
They can coast on him being president.
Just like you said, Tony, they can just wait their fucking time and there's likely going to be a blue wave in November just as a backlash to Trump.
And Democrats don't have to do anything to earn it.
And in their mind, they're like, there's going to be casualties, but you know, it's fine.
We just got to hold on.
I even doubt if there's gonna be a blue wave if they just keep rolling over like this.
Yeah.
Alright, well that's the show.
Hey, if you enjoyed it, please rate and review, uh, in Apple Podcasts.
We're a new show, we need all the help we can get.
Please help us.
Please help spread the word about Minion Death Cult.
I'm doing it.
Yeah, please, well that's, I'm glad you're doing it.
I'm doing it.
As a part of the show.
I did it.
That's good.
Uh, please rate and review in iTunes, Apple Podcasts.
It takes just five seconds.
Also, you can get the show on Spotify.
I don't, you can just take, go man.
No, I just want to make faces.
Okay.
You can get the show on Spotify now.
I don't think I've announced that on the air.
The show's on Spotify.
So if, you know, if you don't have an iPhone or if you just don't like that Apple podcast app, get it on Spotify now.
Rate and review.
Rate and review on iTunes, please.
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Hit the DM.
There's a Facebook group called Minion Death Commandos, parentheses MinionDeathCult Podcast, that you can find on Facebook.
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Let's see, what else?
I don't know, check out That Awful Sound.
Uh, last week... Always, no, just, yes, that awful sound.
Please listen to that awful sound.
Last week, uh, or this week, we covered, uh, Zwan.
Matt was there talking about fuckin' WPC.
Yeah, dude, WPC.
William Patrick Corrigan.
Fuckin' Mr. C. That's a very, like, that's an episode in line with Minion Death Cult.
Billy Corrigan is a freak.
Oh yeah.
Alex Jones, regular.
That was a fun episode.
We read from the dude's live journal.
Billy Corgan had a live journal where he aired all his grievances with the other members of Zwan.
You can find it.
Or you can just hear about it on That Awful Sound.
I'm very excited for this episode.
It's hilarious.
It was a fun one.
Return of Khan.
Return of Khan.
Good episode.
That Awful Sound podcast.
And do we have anything else?
Oh, Breakfast Party, IE Breakfast Party.
If you guys are in the Inland Empire at all, on Saturday mornings, downtown Redlands, I sling breakfast burritos and they're delicious.
Vegan breakfast burritos.
Yeah, they're vegan, they're delicious, it's a good time.
I'm not vegan, but they're delicious.
It's IE Breakfast Party, come through.
Souse.
Um, I have an Instagram, really, is all I got going on for that, but yeah, I eat breakfast party.
