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Nov. 22, 2017 - Minion Death Cult
54:13
2 - Kap & Ball

Facebook's reaction to Kaepernick's GQ magazine cover and the UCLA student-athlete-thugs being arrested in China

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Time Text
Welcome to Minion Death Cult, politics processed through a deranged internet.
The world is ending, your uncle is responsible, we're documenting it.
The liberals are destroying California and conservative humor gone awry is going to fascist-phornia today.
So stay tuned.
Fucking anywhere is running in its own blood.
Limited to die, they're keeping inside for me.
Yeah.
Welcome to Minion Death Cult.
My name's Alexander Edward.
I am Tony Boswell.
Mount Matt.
That was entirely audible.
Today we are, I don't know, we're gonna go through some memes here focusing on A. Colin Kaepernick's GQ publication, which people had just a real hard time with.
Well, come on!
Why would you put him on the fucking cover of GQ?
I mean, there's real Americans.
Okay, we'll get to it, Matt.
Alright, alright.
Fired up.
And we're also going to be talking about glorious leader Trump's magnificent deal he did with the Chinese to get our ungrateful Americans back home.
So, right-wing Twitter had a real blast with these.
We're going to be going through some alternate magazine covers, and we're going to be going with some raw, conservative commentary on the UCLA thugs getting released from China.
If you have any concerns that racism is not alive and well, we will go ahead and remind you today that it is No, it's not racist if they just say thug over and over.
It's thriving at the moment.
This is post-racist times.
I'm just kidding.
I'd love to subscribe to post-racist times.
It would be so cool if I still just didn't get treated different.
Should I tell the fine folks that heavy levels of sarcasm and joking?
No.
Okay, well.
You don't do that.
You don't ever tell them.
Well, fuck, I don't want to get proselytized over here.
You know, we're gonna get lots of, lots of listeners right out the gate.
Right.
I think it's gonna be so thick that it's gonna be obvious.
Two C's.
That's what I'm, I mean, I'm gonna make that obvious, yeah.
Thick, though.
This is going to be rough, listener.
This is our first real episode.
We're still figuring things out.
It's going to be fun.
I shouldn't have said rough, but it's going to be loose.
It'll be a little rough.
It'll be scratchy.
Well, just looking at this reality in its face is going to be rough.
Right.
So yeah, this is going to be rough.
We are gonna have a hard time, not just because this is the first episode, but just because, you know, humanity itself is having such a hard time right now.
Okay, so, uh, where do we want to start on this?
We want to start on the, uh, magazine cover?
Let's just, like, describe what- what it is we're talking about.
The magazine cover, or the UCLA?
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, so of course Colin Kaepernick was named GQ's Citizen of the Year for his activism, for his efforts in spreading the word about police brutality and such.
And they didn't like it.
No, they did not go very well.
Facebook did not like it.
Of course not.
We have a lot of just parody covers, which is probably like...
The easiest meme to do.
Maybe you have to know Photoshop.
But not even that well, but some of them are really well done.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm looking right now at one of Donald Trump's... Donald Trump's face in the same turtleneck as Colin Kaepernick, with Colin Kaepernick's afro.
Oh, man.
And it really just looks like Gene Wilder with hair dyed black.
Yeah, it looks like Gene Wilder with... Yeah, it's... Looks like he fucking smoked, like, 20,000 cigars and put a fro on.
The black just makes the orange pop.
It really does.
I mean, he's got an unnatural shade of skin color.
You notice the, like, whiteness under his eyes?
It's just, like, unnaturally bleached there.
When you're healthy, your eyes don't get dark, they get lighter.
When you're that healthy, healthy like he is.
Do you think maybe he just, like, he does have dark circles and he bought way too much of that, like, infomercial dark circle eraser?
It's working that well, yeah.
Yeah.
I think that maybe they make him lay down when they spray him with orange and so, like, his fat just kind of rolls over and then, like, it just, like... It's possible.
Doesn't get the orange in that part.
But I do think that he should see this and consider possibly going with a fro of sorts.
I don't think he can grow one, but I think I'd be okay with him wearing a wig.
Just as like a show of solidarity.
As an overture to the black community.
You should wear a fake afro.
See, he would be telling us all, I'm down with y'all.
But he wouldn't actually have to say it.
No, he would just look so damn goofy that we couldn't get mad at him anymore.
There it is.
Okay, what's another one of these covers, Matt?
I know you took a lot of those screenshots.
This one's brutal.
It's Cap and they just, whoever they, the powers that be.
The powers that be on Reddit.
These powerful Redditors.
The powers that be are the Donald.
They photoshopped a clown rainbow wig and clown makeup over Cap's face.
Can I see it?
Yeah, that's probably the best part.
This is so gnarly.
varra sure that's probably the best part just like first of all those don't mesh very well but this is this is so gnarly i'm fucked and frightening the uh the the levels of irony here um i wouldn't be surprised if redditors didn't know that like clown makeup and clown hair originates as a as a God!
And the minstrel show thing.
It's a lightened minstrel act.
Like, I think this is one of the rare instances on Reddit where people are accidentally even being more racist than they intended to.
Yeah, they had no clue to be that racist.
Yeah.
Like, if they were more intelligent, this would have been just a home run.
It's my favorite type of racist.
It's like a form of sophism.
They don't even understand how good they are at it.
Yeah.
Savantism.
Like, they would be extremely proud of themselves if they knew what they were doing.
Yeah, if you can totally break it down to them.
Guys, this is deeper than taking the knee last season.
This is going back.
This is going real back.
Good job.
You guys really nailed it.
This is like Maggie Simpson rolling a perfect bowling game.
Like, she's just happy to get a balloon.
She's just happy to get a like at the end of that, you know?
Fuck.
But the Che shirt, I don't know where that came from.
Yeah, that's a whole... The Che little pop there, it's... Yeah, I don't know.
Because they think he's a socialist or something?
I guess so.
Communist, you know, naturally.
Well, yeah, that's one of those... Is he really a communist?
No!
Yeah, yeah, of course, you know, he's taking a knee during the fucking anthem.
Well, yeah, I mean, wanting everyone to have rights is socialism, you know?
Wanting everyone to not get shot by the police.
He wants the rights to be distributed evenly across all Americans, which is an antithesis of what we stand for.
Oh, this one, this one's great.
There's this other one too.
Which I don't really think this makes much sense at all.
It makes no sense.
It's crying Jordan over Colin's face.
It's just crying Jordan subbed in for Colin's face, which we couldn't really decide if it was racist or not.
I think it just doesn't make sense.
Tony, is this racist?
No, I think it wants to be, but it doesn't even do it right.
So this is the opposite of the clown Colin Diabonick.
They're trying to be blatant here, but the thing is, it's not like Colin's mad that he's on the cover.
It's not like he's, you know, he's not sad about it.
That's what the crying Jordan is, you know?
Yeah.
He's not, you know, yeah.
Let me, let me, uh, let me, let me try to do a mind meld here with the, uh, the author of that meme.
I think, I think what they're thinking of or what they're trying to convey is that Colin Kaepernick himself is just always a cry baby.
And that's why he's famous.
He's famous for being a cry baby.
And so that's why they use the crying Jordan.
Actually, this person doesn't realize that there's more than one famous black person and thinks it's just a picture of Colin Kaepernick crying.
You're like, God, why are more people using this?
I did not realize how much darker Jordan is than Colin Kaepernick until I saw this photo, but yeah.
It might be the lighting, too.
That looks like a very dark picture of Jordan.
Yeah, it is.
You can see a portion of Cap's neck still underneath Jordan.
And the crying Jordan meme is one of my favorite memes.
It's been used time and time again.
It's a wholesome meme.
It's done well, you know?
But this time, they just...
It's incorrect.
It's bad.
Yeah, it's just not working.
Okay, I have one here that I didn't show you guys.
I'll describe it and then I'll pass it around.
Okay.
Okay, the meme is like the top half of it.
Giant impact font.
All caps.
Have liberals gone totally insane?
And an insane is bright red.
And then there's three magazine covers underneath.
The first one is the Colin Kaepernick GQ cover.
The second one is a poorly photoshopped Caitlyn Jenner ShopJob on the cover of Glamour Magazine and scrawled across it is Woman of the Year exclamation point and then the third magazine cover is Playboy which looks to be a Playboy logo from like 1970 and then on the cover of that is Hillary Clinton as Playmate of the Year and that's...
I think this is like an attempt at a joke instead of actual propaganda fake news but it doesn't matter because the comment section cannot tell the difference between those two things and thoroughly believed that these were actual magazine covers.
That's a Russian troll meme right there.
Literally made from a fuckin' Russian meme farm.
It's also crazy, cause like, they... There actually was a, you know, she was Woman of the Year.
You didn't have to make that cover up.
Yeah, that's a really good point.
But yeah, exactly.
They didn't even have to make this cover up, but they still crudely photoshopped the Glamour, you know, Glamour Magazine.
It looks like somebody wrote Woman of the Year in lipstick on a bathroom mirror as like a threat.
Oh, no, no.
She was Glamour.
Glamour Woman of the Year.
They photoshopped a Glamour cover when they didn't have to.
It already existed.
I thought I was just wrong because there's no way they did that.
And I know that there's plenty of people that had an issue with Caitlyn Jenner winning Woman of the Year.
And people have issues with the Cap winning what he's winning.
But this third one that's not even real.
You're totally throwing your argument out there.
You're not even appealing to people that are on your side.
Well, it's just a joke because people hate like Hillary and so you can't put Hillary on any cover of any magazine and it would have been absurd.
They're all totally affiliated, right?
Unless she was on like interdimensional shape-shifting pedophilic lizard magazine They're not okay with it.
And the best part too is like also Caitlyn Jenner does not ride for Hillary.
They're on opposite teams.
That's true.
I didn't show you guys this one.
This is why a laptop would help.
We're working on it, guys.
This is just a post in the Deplorables group, which I joined today.
It's a picture of Kaepernick with his glorious fuckin' afro.
And then... This, this... Member of the Deplorables group posted this with this caption.
Pull a hammer out of your hair.
I say pull a programmer out of your hair.
I say pull some snow out of your hair.
Get a new afro out of your hair.
I say pull a cake out of your hair.
Pull a earthquake out of your hair.
I say pull a sandbag out of your hair.
Pull the American flag out of your hair.
If you don't honor the flag, I will put you in a body bag out of your hair.
It feels real good when you pull things out of your hair.
That's it?
That's it.
Is that a reference to some song?
I have no clue.
That's an insane Facebooker.
I think this man just saw Kaepernick's Afro and got inspired.
Yeah.
Is this what would happen if, like, Ted Nugent got really into like slam poetry.
Exactly.
Is that, is this a result of that?
Yeah, see, I was thinking it was like, it was like an update of that folk song, If I Had a Hammer.
Pull it out of my hair.
I'd cross the country to pull it out of my hair.
Don't you want to be in the room as they're typing these things?
Yeah, well we need Travis Ducey's invention which is a webcam that turns on right when you're leaving a comment.
So you get to view the person as their mind is working.
It'd be cool to get like smell-o-vision in there too so you can get the real full effect.
I'd pay more to not have the smell-o-vision, I think.
Yeah, you'd probably be pretty gamey coming off these ones.
But then we'd really start to, like, go after these people and make sure that their neckbeards are washing their beards.
Okay, uh, yeah, I think it's time to do the Graham Nash... Is it Graham Nash?
Or what is it?
Graham Allen.
Failed country singer, Graham Allen.
I would love to read it, because I have this very good, like, eloquent... Okay, yeah.
By the way, he's not really a failed country singer.
We're just assuming that based on his name.
With a name like that... Come on, he gotta be!
Alright, so it's this... Yeah, between Adam Calhoun and Grant... You keep doing that, you're blowing into the mic over there.
Sorry, buddy.
Yeah, between Adam Calhoun and Graham... Wait.
Yeah, those are two names.
Those are two different names.
Yeah, Facebook is just a repository for failed country singers.
Those people, like, should have just been given recording contracts based on their names, based on Graham Allen.
They probably know each other.
Maybe Calhoun can have Graham Allen featured on the next hot track.
I think Calhoun requires an actual musician on the track.
Adam Calhoun was the feature on Hozier's.
Just for the record, you did just call Hozier an actual musician.
I mean, he did music.
Young Chris.
It's a pretty low bar.
He did, yeah.
There was a beat of sorts.
Yeah.
I think Calhoun sounded better than Hoser did on that song, but that's just my opinion.
I actually agree with you, but yeah, totally.
So there's this.
So Graham Allen.
Okay.
Graham Allen spliced together a picture of the GQ cover with a photo of this gentleman, Kyle Carpenter, who's a military person who definitely got messed up in war.
But I'm going to go ahead and read this thing from Graham Allen.
Okay.
Dear America, let me tell you a story.
One of these men was just named GQ Magazine Citizen of the Year.
One was not.
One of these men made millions to play a game.
One didn't.
Which one?
He doesn't- does he ever tell us?
I wonder.
One of these men started a movement to blatantly disrespect the blood, sweat, and sacrifice of 1.3 million veterans.
One gave his body to protect his brothers.
One talks about unity and equality, yet has done nothing but divide us.
This is my favorite argument against Black Lives Matter and against Obama, is that they divided us.
They've done nothing but make me be divisive.
Them wanting equality is not equality and it makes me want to be against them.
Them talking about equal rights makes me even less likely to give them to people.
Exactly.
And then the next line is... How dare they make me so divided.
What's more fucked up is that he says, one showed us what true love for others actually looks like.
So literally you have to go into the fucking, into fire and be blown up and fucking mutilated in order to get any ounce of respect on the right.
I mean, yeah, with our culture of masculinity, that's how you show your love as a man, that's how you show your love as an American, is you sign up to go through the meat grinder.
Martyrism.
That whole thing about, you know, they did nothing but divide us, I was in a comment section like two years ago, and one of the most amazing comments I've ever read, Literally this guy, he said, I used to be part of the white power movements.
I can say without a doubt that they were on the decline until Obama and the media started bringing these Black Lives Matter activists up and stoking racial hatred.
Right.
So he's literally blaming Obama for the rise of white nationalism, but not in the sense that you would think.
Yeah, not in the sense that it's actually happening.
In the sense that it is Obama's fault.
For gendering anti-black racism.
They gave us no option.
They should have voted a white guy into president.
Obama should have done the right thing and simply refused to be president.
Well, I gotta finish this little bitty up here.
One has millions of followers.
One does not.
Well, how many people watch an NFL game?
Millions.
Millions.
One represents the best our country has to offer.
One has forgotten the only reason he was able to make millions playing a game in the first place.
Just makes millions playing a game.
For our fucking entertainment.
One takes advantage of the life they have.
One was willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice for them to have that life in the first place.
While the rest of the world focuses on what's trending popular no matter how blatantly disrespectful and continues to show our society is twisted, we embrace and push backwards logic of respect and misguided symbols for our younger generation.
Was that one sentence?
That was one giant paragraph.
I was trying to make a joke, but I couldn't figure out where to put it.
There's literally no punctuation.
This person's emboldened here.
They're not joking about anything.
This is our boy Graham Allen right here.
I want to say thank you to our men and women in uniform, especially those like Kyle Carpenter, who put it all on the line for us and what our nation stands for.
Let me also say thank you to all of them, too, because I appreciate it, but these are two different arguments here.
You, sir, are what is right and honorable within the country, and it's time we start to recognize the best of us instead of the ones that forget that we are all blessed to be here.
Wake up, America, from Graham.
Okay, yeah.
Fuck that guy.
Yeah, dude.
What he's done is he's put a picture side-by-side of Kaepernick on the cover of GQ and this dude, what's his name?
Kyle Carpenter.
Kyle Carpenter, who was severely disfigured in the military.
This is like, you know, a shocking image that he's putting of this man's close-up face.
He's missing an eye, he's got scar tissue, etc.
What about every other just fucked up veteran, disfigured dude who got wounded in battle?
What about them?
Do they get magazine covers too?
Or is it just when you want to make a point, you pull out... Is there a Shutterstock-like website filled with disabled vets that you can simply go to every time you need to make a point about a black athlete?
And I keep on saying this, and what's really funny about it is, now, am I wrong?
Is it Citizen of the Year?
That's what they keep on calling it?
I don't fucking know or care, and neither did anybody else until this happened.
These people keep on calling it Citizen of the Year, but also...
An enlisted person's not a citizen.
Thank you.
They're G.I.s.
They're no longer qualified.
They wanted to give it to them, folks.
They couldn't.
They literally couldn't.
It was in the bylaws.
It's semantics.
It's not, sorry.
All I really have to say is that I think they're two completely different arguments.
Yeah.
Well, obviously.
It's just, it's fucked.
It's like when my girlfriend's like, you know, You ate all the something and I'm like, well, why did you even buy it in the first place or something?
You know what I mean?
Just two completely different arguments.
Or there are starving children in China.
Yeah, exactly.
That's a better two arguments.
But yeah.
Literally like the oldest comeback in the book.
Right.
Also, why are people still so convinced this is about the military?
Because it's an easy... It's so insane.
It's a very easy way to get people's blood up.
It's the easiest argument to make is like, you're disrespecting our troops and then you have to automatically stop what you're doing because God forbid you don't tow the party line when it comes to military intervention or any of that.
Well, have we talked about the fact that That what Colin's doing is literally something that a vet told him he should probably do?
Yeah, this has nothing to do with- He's kneeling?
Yeah, yeah, that was included in the- Nate Boyer- intro.
Oh, okay.
Oh, that was the other one we talked about.
Okay.
Yeah, it's just- it's- it's fucking crazy, man.
I don't even- I don't even really want to, like, get into that art because it's so obviously craven and false.
Like, we don't need to waste time explaining why it's wrong, you know what I mean?
It's just, like, so- I just want to make fun of it.
Like, This is the same shit that Adam Calhoun did.
All these motherfuckers who didn't go to war for whatever reason.
I don't know, maybe Graham Allen did go to war and now he's just back making videos.
Who knows?
Graham Allen is the dude... I didn't know he was this dude when I...
first saw this post but he's the guy who sits in his front seat of his car wearing the iodized sunglasses that are orange and he you know yelling he's what he's he's in that genre of video of uh men who sit in cars and yell at their phone daily rants guy he's the daily rants guy he's got millions of followers He also does a thing where he goes, woo!
He's like that kind of guy, you know?
He's definitely an army vet.
Is he?
It says in his bio, definitely an army vet?
No, it's... Oh, is it because he's wearing grunt-style clothing?
Because I hate to tell you this, Matt, but... That does not mean anything, unfortunately.
Well, on his author profile on Nine Line News, it says that he was an 11-year army vet with two combat deployments.
That's, I mean, good for him, but that does not excuse him being... By any means, I'm not trying to defend this fucking guy.
It does separate him from Adam Calhoun in only that sense.
Absolutely.
I hope he hates Adam Calhoun.
Yeah, I hope so too.
I hope they beef hard.
Oh, that's another one of those clothing companies, right?
Uh, yeah, it's, uh, what is it, what was it called?
Like, Nylon or something like that?
Yeah, there's all these, like, conservative clothing companies.
Yeah.
And, you know, find your niche, make that money.
Yeah, I don't know, we should, we need to bring back the draft.
Yeah, bring it back.
Absolutely.
Weed out the pussies.
We literally need to bring back the draft so that we stop going to war all the time.
Well, the cool thing about the draft, though, is you can dodge it, and then you can still get voted on in the office by people who hate draft dodgers, even though you dodged the draft, because apparently you respect the military now because you said some weird shit?
No.
But, uh, no, this war is never gonna end, though.
You were saying that, like, if it drafts, this shit is never gonna ever end.
No, if people have skin in the game, it might.
This machine is just moving along so vastly now.
What we're spending on the military is just fucking crazy.
It's like you can't even stop it now.
I can't even imagine them taking the budget down.
Because they're just going to keep invading other countries.
I mean, what's the next country they're going to go to?
What are their fucking... Africa.
I know that's not a country, but you know what I mean.
You think they're going to really head into... We're already in Africa.
And they're going to start taking out all those fucking different warlords and shit like that.
They're going to say, ISIS is in Africa.
Right.
And then we'll be in Africa.
So basically, we did create that... So ISIS is that...
It's that enemy that has, you know, literally no borders.
It just travels around and it's an ideological army, right?
Well, yeah, that's how the whole thing started.
And we can say it's wherever we want to say it is and we can just go fight them.
Well, no, I mean, that is the benefit.
That is, like, the good thing about ISIS is that it is very portable and it's very convenient.
And you can just take it with you wherever you go.
You just put it right in your pocket and you can go to the Sudan and you can just say, oh shit, ISIS is here.
Brought it with me in my knapsack.
CIA brought it with them in their knapsack.
So, fuck the NFL?
And what really sucks is, you know, you had that Minion meme that you sent us about boycotting the NFL and the NBA.
I was real excited this year because I don't really watch football anyways, but this year, because of the way they blackballed Kaepernick, I was gonna be able to call it a protest.
I was like, yeah, fuck yeah.
You're gonna be able to achieve something by doing that.
Yeah, my Sundays of me not watching football are now political, and these motherfuckers couldn't even let me do that.
Now they're like, no, no, no, we're boycotting the NFL.
And I'm like, well, I'm going to keep on not watching it.
But now they're going to think they're winning because, you know, if the numbers go down and it goes down and they're the ones calling it.
Is it really a boycott if they're not like buying tickets and then ripping them up?
That's true.
I didn't burn any season tickets.
Yeah, see what they gotta do is they gotta like, you gotta buy the ticket and then you can't just rip it up immediately because that's not hurting the NFL enough.
You have to actually go to the game at first and then you buy like the largest soda they have and the largest popcorn they have and then you go back out to your tailgate thing and you know and then you and then you stage your protest there and you you you know rip up the ticket and all that because you're doing more damage to NFL property.
My favorite person is the dumbass and this is a bunch of them who bought Kaepernick jerseys to burn.
That's insane.
Not knowing that Kaepernick is donating like all the profits from all of his jerseys and the NFL still makes one out of two like and but these same people who can burn season tickets And buy jerseys just set on fire.
They're the same ones who don't know what privilege is.
Right.
Well, yeah.
When am I going to get some of this goddamn privilege?
Where am I going to get money to burn?
I just want to go to a football game without these, those people ruining it for me by disrespecting my troops.
On a light note, I've seen a fair share of white folks around Redlands, California wearing Capernet jerseys, which I think is just like, wow, solidarity right on.
That's cool.
I've also seen a... At least five, you know.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
It's cool.
Yeah, I've also seen a large stand Every day at the corner of Alabama and Lagonia selling pro-Trump cardboard cutouts and banners.
First time I saw that shit I drove past and just embarrassed the shit out of my girlfriend and like flipped him off and screamed at him but then I realized like Yo, that shit is like moving art.
It's like an art installation.
It's someone making money off of Trump.
It's just an allegory for the late capitalism shit we live in.
I don't know.
I'm pretty sure he's not getting any money from that.
No hell no!
Definitely not.
I know for a fact that they're not, because I talked to them.
Oh, you went and talked to those people?
Yeah, I went and talked to them.
I was with my girlfriend at the time, and we went up, and it was on Mother's Day, so they were selling pink Gadsden flags and, like, marketing it as Mother's Day gifts.
Gadsden?
Gadsden.
What's that?
It's the Don't Tread on Me snake flag.
Oh.
Yeah, but they were pink.
Pink ones?
Pink ones sound kind of fire.
There was a Metallica shirt when we went to Hot Topic to buy our shirts.
There was a pink Don't Tread on Me Metallica shirt with like pink snakes.
So you talked to him?
Yeah, I talked to him because nobody was over there.
We went over there.
We were like, we have to see what's going on over here.
It was like a year ago, Mother's Day.
And we went up and we were just like laughing at the shirts.
We were like holding up the shirts and holding them up to ourselves, like taking pictures with them.
And the woman was getting like annoyed with us.
And she came over and she's like, you know, can I help you with something?
And I was like, yeah.
So are these like officially licensed shirts and banners?
She was like, no.
Okay, let's move on to the UCLA boys.
UCLA boys.
Coming home.
Coming home from China.
Okay, so basically what happened was the Chinese authorities accused these three players, do we have their names here?
LeAngelo Ball, Cody Riley, and Jalen Hall.
They're all from the men's basketball team from UCLA, all freshmen.
They were arrested last week in China for shoplifting from three stores, creating an international incident, which eventually saw President Trump and his Chinese counterpart
Get involved and basically what we you know, we saw was through Trump's genius diplomacy He was able to free the basketball players who are shopping from three stores, you know supposedly supposedly Now on that note that they are they are suspended indefinitely from the NCAA like they're not playing for the rest of the season Oh, really?
Yeah, so there are there are you know, they're actually So we're just taking the Chinese authorities word for it, basically?
It's interesting.
I mean, maybe they had, like, video of it or something, but...
Well, let's talk about how the story broke.
I don't accept any tape that happened overseas.
Any videotape taken on foreign soil.
Especially my Chinese tape.
They have weird electromagnetism over there that can alter images.
Yeah, it's on the other side of the world.
It's reversed.
Yeah, they were putting more glasses in the Louis Vuitton store.
They just played it in reverse.
Fucking assholes.
That's also where all the shadow people are is in China, so you gotta be careful of that.
That's true.
Okay, yeah, yeah, so Trump, through his art of deal-making, was able to return three American citizens back to America, and I don't know how long after this happened, but he tweeted out, uh, Hey, you think these jokers will even thank me for it?
They could have been in jail for 10 years.
Like, did they even have a chance to thank him?
Was there an opportunity?
Did he greet him at the jail?
His little hands, just like, 10 years!
10 years they could have been in jail.
And I freed him.
So, uh, this- this broke this morning, basically, that, uh, you know, Trump- Trump wondering on Twitter whether they- whether or not they would thank him.
Him during his fucking 4 a.m.
shitstorm on the fucking toilet, tweeting, Dan.
It's so perfect.
It's so perfect for the- the Black Lives Matter thing.
It's so perfect for this spoiled athlete.
See, I love black people.
Like, what if- what if this is all just, China is like, Okay, we know Trump hates black athletes.
We have access to black athletes now.
Trump's in hot water, or is essentially, like, dividing people because of his treatment of black athletes.
What if we arrest these black athletes and let Trump save them?
He will be indebted to us for giving him a chance to make a deal.
And there will be proof that he's not a racist.
Yeah, like, he loves China after this, right?
Yeah.
Like, China just made him look so good.
Well, didn't he start saying, like, two days ago how much he loved China?
And now he's like, oh wait, no, I like China.
A few days ago, I guarantee you, he pitched this whole thing to them.
Yeah.
So I got this crazy idea, guys.
Some of our boys are over here.
This is like another Reagan thing with the Iranian hostages.
Oh wow.
This is exactly the same thing.
Yeah, make them look good.
I'm calling it.
I'm calling it.
Except he actually had them arrested.
Yeah.
He's like, you see those black kids?
Yeah, them right there.
Yeah, the tall ones.
They probably stole something.
They don't have it.
They probably did though.
More than likely.
Just go pat them down.
Put them in the mall security office for a little while.
We'll open the door and then they can walk away.
That'll be it.
We're gonna call their parents and leave a stern sternly worded message on their answer machine And I just I pulled some comments here from the story which which was amazing.
It's a mixed bag mixed bag of responses there.
Yeah Kevin Yuma who looks like he has a just an American flag as a profile picture and Since when is it the president's job to get thugs released from jail in a foreign country when they disrespected themselves and the rest of America?
Oh, thugs.
Because one thing I'll tell you about college students, especially ones that go to UCLA, easy school to get into, easy cakewalk all day, everyone can get in there, all thugs.
Well they just looked like thugs, Tony.
I wonder what makes you look like a thug?
Is it, I don't know, melanin?
Ken Rogers says, so these are replies to a comment that was like, can they at least get a drink of water before Trump, like, makes fun of them on Twitter?
And Ken Rogers says, Can they get a drink of water?
Is that why they want to come back to the USA?
Or is it because our constitutionally guaranteed rights as represented by our flag, which athletes don't hesitate to disrespect to air their grievance?
This is just such, it's such a perfect story.
Because it, it just, it shoehorns so perfectly into the Kaepernick NFL protests.
Because, black guy, black guy.
Athlete, athlete.
Uh, disrespect?
Disrespect.
Yeah, disrespect for sure.
And it's Trump doesn't like this one, Trump doesn't like this one.
It's got all the elements I like as a Trump voter to get angry about.
But he has so much character that he decides to overlook the fact that he doesn't like these thugs.
Just a simple thank you.
Just want to thank you.
It's amazing.
There are so many hot takes on the fact that Trump did intervene.
Just like the first one.
It's not his job to get Americans overseas.
Especially thugs.
That literally is his job.
It's literally what he's supposed to do.
Now tweeting about it is not necessarily his job.
He could have probably kept it a little below if he wanted to.
He's so fucking petty.
He literally subtweeted the hostages he just had released.
That's fucking insane.
They're like 19 too.
They're like 19-20 years old.
And he's so catty about it.
He's not even like, oh they didn't thank me or they were ungrateful.
You think these guys will even thank me for it?
I actually heard that the Ball fam is going to send him a custom pair of shoes.
Hell yeah, dude.
I want to see Trump in full ball attire.
Head to toe ball.
He'd probably be stoked and he'd probably wear it.
Because I think he has his own shoe coming out, this kid.
That's going to be a thank you, definitely.
A pair of all whites.
Ken Rogers goes on to say, Ken Rogers just has no idea that the three black gentlemen in this story are not actually Colin Kaepernick.
Because he goes on to say, if everyone chooses the venue of kneeling during the playing of the National Anthem, one of the few times we gather to show unity, to air some grievance against aspects of our society, slash government, slash nation, slash people, there would be no one standing.
And then Solomon replies, the job he's supposed to do?
Nah.
That's the job of the parents of these brats are supposed to do.
Like Mr. Ball saying, ain't much a big deal.
Denial phase.
Cause I know when I went to college, P.S.
I did not go to college, but I know that when I went to college, my parents bailed me out of everything I got into.
Yeah, no, when you went to college and then you went to an overseas trip to China and you got fucking arrested by Chinese authorities, it is the father's job.
Traditionally, in the traditional American family, it's the father's job to go over and act as a diplomatic liaison to get you out of prison.
And we all have resources to go back and forth from China to free our children.
No, your dad also has to just also be there on a diplomatic mission that happens to coincide with your arrest.
I wonder how many pairs of shoes were given out just to make this whole thing go down.
Well, however, it went down smooth.
Well, what was that cabal we thought of earlier, you know?
Yeah, I think that's right.
I think something happened.
I think Trump needed a win for his overseas journey.
Everything matches up perfectly.
This is his win.
It's weaved, woven by this man.
He literally, yeah, yeah, Trump was like, somebody, somebody was like, hey, uh, take these, take these Louis Vuitton glasses back to this store for me and, and like, you can get the money for them.
I don't want them.
And they like walked in with the glasses and then they were arrested and then they played the footage for Trump and it shows them walking backwards out of the store with the glasses.
Perfectly like, like a, like a far side video.
And then they had to show that to the store manager.
I love free glasses.
And then yeah, then Trump swooped in and fixed everything.
Okay, so another supremely hot take.
I don't know if we told you this one yet, Tony, but a dude, a Fox News contributor, who himself is African American.
I only say that because of just the strange tone in this tweet.
Well, he's already a black pundit on Fox.
Yeah, he's a Fox News contributor.
He's either a pussy or a total sellout.
He has enough self-hatred, so go ahead.
He says, Hey Hashtag NAACP, which is not how you address the NAACP, by the way, on Twitter.
You have to name every hashtag in this tweet, by the way.
Hey Hashtag NAACP, President Hashtag Trump got three black thieves released from Hashtag China.
While Obama left that white boy in North Korea and a white marine in Mexico.
Who's the racist?
Oh my god.
I love this.
Black teams white and white.
This is galaxy brain.
Trump saved the black people, whereas Obama killed white people.
Who's the real racist?
This man needs a hug.
This dude is performing so hard that he called Obama a racist against white people.
For having, uh, you know, the kid from North Korea.
You know, it's sad as fuck what happened to Otto.
But like, he was kept over there at POW for like a year, right?
And was malnourished and came back basically catatonic.
I also know that our relationship between North Korea and China are pretty different.
Just like North Korea and China's relationship with the world is pretty different.
And that we can actually, like, talk to China.
We literally don't talk to North Korea.
We talk to North Korea through China.
And China just yells at North Korea.
Just like, fucking stop over there.
Chill the fuck out.
This guy has no mirrors in his house because he just can't stand to look at his dark skin.
I thought you were going to say because he's a vampire.
He is a vampire.
Oh man.
There's a bunch of people out there like that.
that.
I do not, there's a certain phenomenon right now that I don't understand.
I don't understand, like, the more you have check marks against you to the conservatives, a la I don't understand young conservatives.
It's bizarre to me.
I don't understand any people of color that are conservatives.
It's insane to me.
It's like, guys, they truly don't like us.
They've been tricked.
I don't understand gay conservatives, trans conservatives.
It's like, what's going on to where you can't even think about your own self-interest?
What happens is, it's the conservative version of affirmative action.
If you as a black man or a trans woman or a gay man, if you are at all media savvy and you are gay or you are one of these other tics, you know?
You have a job.
You instantly get elevated.
You instantly rise to the top because they need you desperately.
So you're saying now is when I control my way to a lot of money?
Yep.
Oh, you wouldn't even have to try.
Dude, you would get signed the fuck up for fucking Fox News with the quickness.
And because they need their mouthpiece.
Yeah.
Because they just need to spread their...
Their shitty fucking, it's like Neo-Lib, Neo-Con agenda basically.
It's just all corporate money.
I can just have multiple names under the Fox News thing and like one day I'll be like my actual black self.
One day I'll be like some vague Middle Eastern person.
One day I'll just be real queer and I'll just be all those things that are different monikers for Fox and I'll just wear a different shade of glasses.
You could also just be you and still get paid by them and they would just sit there and talk shit to you.
I'm trying to get three, five checks baby.
I'm trying to get all the checks.
Yeah.
I wanna be two people on one panel.
Two different parts, two different backdrops.
It's crazy though, they do... Just, yeah, turn your head one way, one side... Yeah, I'm, like, ethnically ambiguous and if I can get away with it... Yeah, I love, that tweet's amazing though, uh...
There was one guy, I saw no less than three videos of young black men who were very upset about Colin Kaepernick being on the cover of GQ.
But one of them was talking about the UCLA basketball players and he was like, mainstream media is silent.
Donald Trump saves three black men.
How could he be racist?
How could he be racist if he's doing his job?
No, Trump literally gave executive orders that affect both black and white people, so how could he be racist?
No, but he was like, Trump went overseas and brought these non-contributing members of society back.
Jesus fucking Christ.
You know these college students who play a game that generates billions of dollars every year?
They don't even have the rights to their own likeness.
Fucking Tukedas, though.
It's insane.
They're just tools again.
They don't make any money off of this.
They barely get school paid for.
I'm watching him respond to Trump right now, and he's like, yeah, you know, President Xi was terrific.
Just praising him and loving this guy that he was shitting on nine months ago.
Talking about how China, China by the way, they cooked the books.
They change the currency.
They do all those things.
China's a bane to the existence of the world.
He's like, we need to end China.
But now we have this little dog and pony show.
We're able to be like, he's terrific.
He's a top-notch fella.
Well, that's because it's the easiest way.
I mean, the hypocrisy thing is not a good tactic to take against these people because it doesn't matter.
But basically what he does is he says like, oh, China's good now.
I made China good.
And he doesn't have to do any actual work.
He doesn't have to solve any problems.
All he can say is by virtue of me being president, China's good now.
There's no rhyme or reason to any of it.
By virtue of my being president, the economy's good now.
Yep.
He said, I'm doing good.
Look at jobs.
Jobs are up.
And that's literally all he has to do, and his fucking moron followers will lick it up, lap it up.
No, Obama's out.
Trump's in.
Now the economy's good.
That's what it means for an economy to be good, is for Trump to be in charge.
Every day is a new Trump.
And now we just need to lock up Crooked Hillary and we'll be solid gold diamonds.
What's their rationale for Hillary not being locked up?
Theirs?
Yeah, that was one of Trump's campaign promises.
Oh, they're not letting him, man.
They won't let him get involved.
Remember, he said, he said, I'm really disappointed about how I, you know, I can't get involved with the FBI.
I'm like, yeah, dog.
That's literally, that's not your job.
He tried.
He fired the fucking head of it.
Stop trying to micromanage, player.
Like, I don't remember the micromanaging chapter in How to Make a Deal.
There are a lot of good other chapters, though.
That's true.
I wouldn't be where I am today without that book.
It's pretty wild trying to think back to a year ago.
You know, like, trying to think of these events from a year ago.
It's just so, like... I don't know, it just seems like a lifetime ago.
Time is meaningless.
Yeah, we're in a different era now.
What else did we have on the UCLA thing?
Oh, Mike Cernovich put out a Facebook video.
It's not...
Even a video?
It's just that... It's that iMovie effect where you pan across a photograph.
Yeah.
It's just made on iMovie.
With a fucking backing track.
What is it?
Chariots of Steel playing in the background?
No.
It's just some intense... It's some intense time to whoop ass rock music.
Yeah.
Let me pull this up here.
Remember those three black UCLA athletes?
Black.
Yeah.
President Trump has already negotiated their release.
This is the same Trump ESPN calls a white supremacist.
By the way, Obama let Otto Warmbier rot in a foreign prison for seven months.
Trump got these guys out within a week.
North Korea, literally the same country as China.
Oh yeah.
Same exact diplomatic process.
Being arrested for a petty crime is the same thing as being a prisoner of war.
Like, come on.
The top comment on this post?
Trump is a great president.
Obama was a disaster.
3.6 thousand likes.
Wow.
And I'm still a bit shocked by it, but not anymore really.
It's more just like, yep, that's just where we are.
Yeah, it's just like, I don't get shocked by any of this shit anymore.
Why is the media not covering this?
But yet the lady that flipped the bird to President Trump did.
She covered it?
I missed it.
I missed her covering this story.
Who flipped the bird to Trump?
Uh, you didn't see that?
It was like, some woman riding her bicycle and the Trump motorcade passed her and she flipped him off and it got caught on video and then she got fired from her job.
Oh, that's fucked up.
Yeah, it's fucked up.
What, you get to flip off cars and not get fired?
You get to flip off the president.
That's one of the great things about being an American.
You should get to flip off the president.
Yeah, for sure.
Just on principle.
Our president could find the cure for cancer and people will still trash him.
I love why is the media not covering this on a post with 20,000 likes and 2 million views.
This is all I've heard in the last day.
It's about UCLA.
And it's like also, I mean, they are, but I'm just kind of unfortunate they are because there are way bigger fish to fight right now.
And maybe we don't need to care about, you know, these guys getting arrested for petty crime in China.
Maybe we need to worry about the actual things that need to go down right now in America.
See, that's not our purview, though.
No way.
That is not the purview of this podcast.
This podcast focuses only on the pettiest things.
Only on the petty, yeah.
That's our job.
We know our place in society.
Like, we're not there to cover the big issues.
No, no.
We're not there to give you explainers about the politics.
We are there to, like, dig in the trenches of this battlefield.
Of this internet battlefield.
We are here to shit on your uncle.
Alright, well, I think that's it for this episode.
It was a good first episode, I think.
Yeah, yeah.
Very good.
It's a foundation to build on top of.
There's gonna be plenty of fodder for a long time to come.
Uh, actually gonna prepare next time we haven't, next week when we do this.
Yeah, I'm legit gonna, cause I haven't had Facebook for a long time, but I think this is worth it, um, just to fuel the hatred, um, that I have boiling inside for these people, so yeah.
And I will root around in Reddit for you guys, I am very scared of getting back on Facebook, I've been off of it for like six years now, some shit, I'm, don't think I'm gonna get back on.
You can do the Reddit thing.
Yeah.
Yes.
God damn it, I will.
You can be our Reddit correspondent.
Now I have a reason to go through those, like, because I will find myself in like an Instagram black hole of the right and it is just grueling and I can't stop it.
It's like, I just can't stop clicking.
Is Instagram even stupider than Facebook?
Um, it can be.
I don't think it is.
I don't think it can be.
Because you literally, you can't expound like you can on Facebook on Instagram.
That's what's good about Instagram.
I mean, people still do though, don't they?
Yeah, they actually do, yeah.
But the cool thing is, is like, if like, you see comments.
I love how it's just one solid paragraph on Instagram, right?
Well, yeah, but like, but you also have to like, click on it to expand it.
So you can just go past it.
Go, you don't even have to expand.
So like, when I go through my Instagram feed, it's just pictures.
And there's really not a whole lot of writing.
It's pretty nice.
That's why you gotta go into those dark spaces, man.
You go.
Oh, I'm there.
I'm there.
I'll go into the Donald.
I'm tired.
I think this is also a good time to like start like just a good old-fashioned troll account.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
I didn't get into the other two deplorable Facebook groups I tried to join.
Maybe they're still considering my application or maybe they saw my dude holding the flamethrower pointed at Nazis cover photo from a couple months ago.
Yeah, you didn't have a Pepe.
You didn't have a Pepe.
Wait, this guy hates Nazis?
Not gonna be down.
Not our type.
Not our type.
So maybe I'll have to form my own troll account.
I also wanted to say, this will go in the beginning of the episode, so we are not political analysts.
We are not experts of any kind.
No, it would be audacious to say so.
We are amateur historians.
We are armchair psychologists.
I'm a stoned guy.
And a stoned guy.
So, yeah.
Yeah, this is probably going to sound like shit because I'm recording it from the internal mic in my laptop, but just jumping in to say follow us on social media, MinionDeathCult on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, at MinionDeathCult.
Also, hit that subscribe.
You like the show, click the subscribe button.
Please do that.
That's what iTunes ranks off of.
Try to get in that new and noteworthy, folks.
Also, leave a rating and review.
A rating or a review.
It's really easy to do and it really helps the visibility of the show.
It helps recommend the show to other people.
So subscribe, rate, review.
You'd be doing us a huge favor.
So thanks for that.
All right.
Okay.
Well, thanks for listening to the very first episode of Minion Death Cult.
Hopefully the first of many.
I'm Alexander Edward.
I'm Tony Boswell.
Mountain Matt.
All right.
Thanks for listening.
Right on.
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