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March 31, 2025 - Louder Than Crowder

01:31:43

EPISODE 60: RECELIBATE (SEPTEMBER 23RD, 2010)

A quick pre-Vacation pivot takes the boys to a place that's been on the horizon for quite some time... Time to start exploring Steven's feelings surrounding sex, and when you can have it. Like what we're doing? Want MORE for FREE? Join the Shrug Club at http://patreon.com/shrugclub Email: louderthancrowder@gmail.com Twitter/X: @thancrowder Music by DJ Danarchy

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	This is an AudioWool original.
	AudioWool original.
	You're gonna be into really weird things in about a decade.
	Oh, I have no doubt.
	Welcome to Louder Than Crowder, a podcast about the podcast Louder With Crowder.
	My name's Byron.
	I'm joined tonight by Dennis.
	OK, wake up.
	You're the one that was late.
	What? What?
	I was late?
	As well as our Lone Star brother in Occupied Texas.
	It's Jared.
	It's me.
	Jared is scared.
	Excuse me?
	He's scared.
	OK. Terrified.
	Wow. And when this goes live, I'll be on vacation in Oklahoma visiting the Twister The Movie Museum.
	I rented a truck.
	I'm gonna go pick up a handful of dust in a parking lot.
	Yes. I'm gonna get my wife Helen Hunt to sign divorce papers.
	I am going to go touch the original Dorothy 1 prop from the film.
	Pretty cool.
	Very excited.
	Also going to visit some friends.
	Are you going to break it and then say, you better make a couple more?
	We're all cutting pop cans and making spinny tops so those things float.
	So I'll be honest, I don't remember that movie except for the cow thing.
	Oh? And I don't remember the spinny top things.
	Really? I don't remember that at all.
	I love that film.
	But now I watched it again and I loved it.
	It's my absolute favorite film.
	I'm like a real universal backlot type of guy.
	That's what I remember about Twister.
	I really like Philip Seymour Hoffman's character.
	Oh, he's wild.
	How much he loves Meg.
	I love Philip.
	He loves Meg so much.
	Yeah, that's true.
	He's the best character for sure.
	I think I like all of them.
	It's probably one of the best ensemble casts in film history.
	The guy gets his head cut with the little...
	Yeah, yeah, great.
	Aunt May.
	Love Aunt May.
	Far better.
	Aunt Meg?
	Meg. May is Peter Parker's name.
	Yes. Pardon me.
	Should be great.
	I thought we'd have a little fun before I left, and I thought that fun would look like coverage of the video that Stephen made in June of 2017, where he, inspired by a BuzzFeed video of women painting with their period blood, decided to make a Bob Ross parody of himself doing the same thing, except with the Prophet Muhammad as the subject.
	Finally. Yeah, well, this all took me down a spiraling road of the previous time that Stephen painted Muhammad dressed as Bob Ross.
	But he used a- And you guys looked at this period blood?
	I've seen that one.
	I've also seen the one that he created using an iPad a year prior in June of 2016.
	Okay. Like just like using like Adobe Fresco or something?
	Yeah, it doesn't look good.
	I think it's a free app.
	Okay. I'm saying like what he's parodying, right?
	Oh, no, I didn't.
	I didn't.
	I didn't care to watch BuzzFeed folks paint with period blood as, you know, whatever release they got from that.
	I'm glad they did.
	Here he is.
	But next to a woman doing a mandala.
	This previous time, it wasn't because of something a woke media company did.
	It's to celebrate the anniversary of the Curtis Caldwell Center attack.
	You familiar with this one?
	May 3rd, 2015, where two gunmen in Garland, Texas open fire outside that year's Everybody Draw Muhammad Day contest?
	Well, I'm really committed to the cause of freedom.
	I will not submit.
	I don't want my children or grandchildren to submit.
	Nor do I want that for the rest of the people who want to live free and independent lives.
	I don't agree at all with Sharia law.
	We don't live under Sharia law.
	In a similar fashion, there's Jewish law, there's Christian law, and nobody's attempting to impose that on a national level.
	We have independent law.
	Okay, shots just got fired.
	We don't know that for a fact.
	Okay. We don't know that.
	Then I think I better wrap it up my own self.
	Yeah, yeah.
	We do have...
	It's an event that was created in 2010 by a Seattle cartoonist named Molly Norris in response to the death threats made against South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker's episodes 200 and 201 of their show South Park, where things that season were heating up as Tom Cruise and all other celebrities who had been mocked by the residents of South Park, you know, folks like Bono, Tiger Woods, Jared Fogle, Kanye West, Rosie O'Donnell was in there, too.
	Yeah, okay.
	Before she moved to Ireland, of course.
	Nice, to Ireland.
	They plan to file a class action lawsuit against the town of South Park.
	Okay, people, I know, I know, but he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just get Muhammad to appear in South Park.
	Are you nuts?
	Cruz promises to end the lawsuit if the town can get the Islamic prophet Muhammad to meet him because he believes that Muhammad possesses an immunity to ridicule.
	Oh, okay.
	Next episode, 201, Comedy Central heavily censored after the threats were made, but because of all of this, an unarmed security guard was shot in the ankle, and the attackers were killed in a shootout, and I decided that this path was too much of a bummer.
	I mean...
	Yeah, it sucks.
	Maybe we'll talk about it at some point as well as Stephen's thoughts on the Charlie Hebdo shooting in 2015.
	I bet they're appropriately nuanced.
	Yeah, well, this is back on episode 9 of his podcast actually, and I'm not gonna burn a fun dip episode by briefly discussing moments of it.
	Yeah, no, you can't burn fun dip.
	We gotta cover that baby in full.
	You gotta put the full stick down in that powder.
	That lick.
	God, the stick tastes so bad, right?
	No, the stick tastes good.
	You like the Fun Dip stick?
	I do.
	Yeah, the stick is kind of good, but it's the powder, and then you get the stick flavor at the end.
	It's kind of...
	The stick has no taste.
	You like a Necco, right?
	Like a Necco wafer?
	Oh yeah.
	The stick itself tastes more like a flavorless Smartie, kind of, right?
	Well, it gets the weird spiciness in the back of your throat.
	It's like the necklaces.
	It's like candy cigarettes, only big.
	Candy cigars.
	Exactly, a lot like candy cigarettes.
	I like a good candy cigarette, though.
	I got two packs last time I was on vacation, brought'em home, they're wonderful.
	One's in my glove box right now.
	Nice.
	So what's more fun than faith-based violence in response to antagonistic Islamophobia?
	Not much.
	Most things, actually.
	Oh, okay.
	But this has been in line for a bit.
	It's time to return...
	To Steven Crowder's thoughts on abstinence, chastity, saving yourself for marriage, and post-divorce Steven.
	On the show, all those episodes where his dad was kind of just sitting in the background because of the...
	I mean, I'm not gonna blame him for being emotional in the wake of his crumbling marriage.
	That's fine.
	And the support system that he had around him, I think that's...
	I'm just wondering if he has to go back to abstinence.
	I just want to know his rules.
	What's it called?
	I think you can re-commit yourself, right?
	Born-again Christian also implies a purity.
	Like a born-again virgin kind of thing.
	Yeah, yeah, right?
	I don't know.
	You guys do that?
	I mean, I'm still a virgin.
	Yeah, is that something?
	Well, I've been on the internet long enough to know that, you know, no one...
	You don't do the internet for 15 minutes.
	You do the internet for 15 minutes, is all I'm saying.
	Great. Well, all of that said, I know that we can't really talk about the abstinence and chastity without Talking a little bit about Stephen's marriage and the end of it.
	But I do want to say that for the sake of vibes, we already did a bunch of that in episode one of this podcast.
	Whoa! Remember Victim of Divorce?
	Yeah. Go check that out to hear us cover the release of his backyard ring cam exposing him as not only a gross abuser to his then very pregnant wife, but also one of the most whiny men on the planet.
	No, that doesn't work either!
	Nice. Smoking a cigar with his socks on.
	Yeah, he didn't have enough pellets for his grill, and they only have one car.
	This brisket ain't gonna smoke itself.
	Yikes. And what am I gonna do if I'm at the gym or want to go to the gym with my friends when you're gone?
	Oh yeah, I want to go hang out with my dad.
	Most of what we're going to be covering today will be the full exploration of Stephen's debate with Amy Schumer on the 23rd of September in 2010, as well as his column for FoxNews.com from the day before the 22nd that he's defending.
	It's called Why Not Having Sex Might Be Good For You, as well as the follow up, which is called Waiting Till the Wedding Night, Getting Married the Right Way, about his first night.
	You know, I've heard this story a lot about Steven.
	I've heard that a lot.
	But knowing what I know about old school Steven, I feel like he's not the guy who would wait.
	And that's only because you stumbled upon a video that we might be covering for Trug Club.
	Well yeah, but I mean just knowing the big ugly, that vibe of a guy.
	You think he's, well, you might change your mind once we read these lovely columns.
	Okay, maybe I will.
	So let's get this out of the way up top.
	I have no problem with abstinence.
	If that's your thing, most certainly, do you.
	I, in high school, I was a straight-edge guy.
	I was a little bit more militant in those thoughts.
	He beat me up because of, uh, I smoked pot.
	Kicked your ass because you were horny, I think.
	Yeah, I wanted to smoke pot and have sex.
	Get that dick soft, brother!
	Okay. He held me down.
	He held me down.
	Yeah, he rubbed my face in it, and by it I mean a...
	Disgusting. Come on.
	big pile of.
	Yeah, it's kind of weird, huh?
	Yeah. I believe it's important to distinguish between respectful discussions on abstinence as a personal choice, and the judgmental manner in which some individuals, like Stephen, have presented it.
	I'm fully okay with abstinence, of course.
	I just think kids should be taught about sex.
	Sure. I think it's, yeah, that way, if and when.
	And if you are asexual, that's totally fine as well.
	It doesn't have to be a when.
	But any riffing that we do is not to disparage folks who choose abstinence, but...
	We're here to highlight the problematic and embarrassing way in which Steven has promoted it.
	That being abstinence.
	Are we going to hear from Gerald on it?
	Because I feel like he has great insight.
	Oh, man.
	Gerald has said a lot of things about not fucking, and it's not anywhere near what we're covering today, but...
	I'm trying to get away from it.
	So far away from it that I'm going to go check into this Holiday Inn over here.
	I can't be near my wife tonight.
	But I think that Emma from The Young Turks said it best when defending the debunking of Stephen's abstinence.
	It's sanctimonious, the obsession with saying the majority of people are hedonistic and that he's above it.
	It also shines a light on the complex relationship that he has to sexuality, which we also won't really be getting into.
	Sure. The speculation.
	Yep. He has this faux puritanical stance where he goes full cartoon coyote eyes when he notices a breast, but calls women whores and sluts for acknowledging that sex is a concept.
	Sure. A man that wants to outlaw pornography in Pornhub.com, like in those early episodes that we did, and would likely love to be linked on Mike Johnson's family coveted eyes account.
	He is obsessed with the junk.
	doesn't want to exist, and also Hawooga's most women he sees on TV, right?
	He pulls open his jacket and his heart goes boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
	Yeah, it's wild.
	So yeah, a little contradictory.
	It's fine.
	I have a feeling that the abstinence comes more from a place of control.
	Maybe. I think that would make sense.
	I like that theory.
	We started covering the appearance that Steven made on Red Eye in episode 40 of the show, an episode titled The Deep Fried State.
	It's just kind of fun.
	Our episodes have fallen off.
	We were really good.
	Yeah, what happened to our titles?
	Expandate? What's this one going to be called?
	I don't know.
	Stabstidents? What is that?
	I don't know.
	I'll make a stab joke later.
	All right.
	Well, when we covered the Gutfeld moment, it was a little birthday present to myself last year.
	Now it's time to tackle all relevant conversation between Steven Crowder and Amy Schumer.
	Great. You ready?
	Yeah, let's take a stab at it.
	Hmm. Is abstinence the greatest thing since sliced bread?
	Yeah, sliced bread is code for not having sex.
	All right.
	Great way to start the show, Greg.
	That'd be really good.
	Who was that?
	That was Greg Gutfeld.
	Oh. Yeah.
	Okay. Is abstinence the greatest thing since sliced bread?
	If... Sliced bread is what?
	Not having sex.
	Wow. Yeah.
	Stephen's abstinence article is the main event, but we have to cover some ground before we get there.
	In this show, apparently Obama told Bob Woodward for a book that we could absorb a terrorist attack, that we did it on 9-11 and now we're stronger.
	And that made people mad back then.
	Sure. Yeah, I wish people got mad about that kind of stuff.
	I know, right?
	I felt so--We absorb a terror attack.
	And they're like, "Barak Hussein Obama." Hey listen man, "Dictator." And then they talk about how most college professors are Democrats.
	Yeah, indoctrination, bro.
	Of course.
	They're all Marxists.
	Well, it's a story as sordid as it is sorted.
	Which is sordid.
	Bishop Eddie Long, the well-known mega-church pastor, has been accused by two young men from his church of forcing them into private covenants involving gay sex.
	The pastor, of course, claims he's innocent.
	But for the sake of this Gregalog, what if he isn't?
	That makes him a creepy creep from Creepville, population creep.
	Now, people in the media love these stories because it allows you to point out the hypocrisy found in religion.
	This is a pastor who is against gay marriage, but allegedly likes the gay sex.
	But this is so predictable, boring, and easy.
	Me, I'd rather argue that it's okay to hate something while still engaging in it.
	Most people call that life.
	Examples abound.
	I hate porn.
	It's vile.
	I often write about it being vile.
	But when I travel, I dabble.
	Don't get me wrong, I despise it.
	But for three to seven minutes a month.
	I really love it.
	Same with drugs.
	I find addicts to be pathetic burdens on their families and society as a whole.
	But catch me at a bar at 3 a.m. and there's a chance that it's not the wine causing me to massage the shoulders of a troubled garbage man.
	What's up, Phil?
	And of course, there's Enrique.
	God, I despise every inch of him.
	But in my head, this is all I want to hear.
	So Was he reading something?
	It's called a Gregalog.
	It's like a monologue.
	He was reading every word like his inflection came from a color coding, but he had no idea what the words were at all.
	A lot of alliteration going on on the early Greg Gutfeld Red Eye program.
	Very bad.
	Yeah, but I can also see how this show probably influenced Stephen's format a little bit, right?
	Sure. I don't know I do I do appreciate the soundbite that really dates this clip though for us.
	Oh, yeah 2010 for sure Yeah, Bishop Eddie long though They're gonna talk about him a little bit more in a second a prominent pastor of new birth ministry Baptist Church in Georgia faced a little bit of heat involving allegations of sexual misconduct with young men and At the time, too, but in total, four men accused him of coercing them into sexual relationships when they were teenagers, leading to lawsuits that were all eventually settled out of court.
	Long was known for his anti-gay views, having led efforts against same-sex marriage and creating a ministry to deliver men from homosexuality.
	Hmm. Kind of like someone else we know.
	Despite allegations, he never publicly identified as gay.
	He said that he was innocent throughout the scandal and continued to lead his church until his death in 2017.
	Oh, he died?
	Yeah. Do you think he went to heaven?
	I don't think heaven is real.
	Okay. They got a phone number we can call him.
	If I knew they had a phone number this whole time.
	You can just call him, dude.
	Wow, this is kind of interesting.
	He was a pretty big guy.
	And before his death he experienced significant weight loss which he initially attributed Yeah. To a vegan diet.
	Tell me his name one more time.
	This guy's name is Bishop Eddie Long.
	But he has longer hair than he was long then, innit?
	Oh, right.
	He doesn't look that big.
	I don't know.
	He's fine.
	He's got some funny meme pictures in here if you guys want to make a meme.
	He's got some good faces.
	So there are also rumors and speculation within the community that his health issues might have been attributed to complications from HIV-AIDS.
	Yeah. It was never confirmed by him or his church and the official cause of death was stated We're good to go.
	Yeah, it was never confirmed by him or his church and the official cause of death was stated as cancer by his church.
	So his church said he had cancer of the soul.
	I think they would consider it an aggressive form of cancer.
	They like his soul.
	Okay. Is this fucked up?
	And you can cut this.
	Well, yeah, I'm gonna cut most of the things you boys are saying tonight.
	You guys are fucking killing me.
	If this is his cancer photos and he's saying it's'cause he was vegan, I didn't see it, yeah.
	He's a handsome dude.
	Are you sure?
	He doesn't look bad.
	So he died of HIV?
	Allegedly? He died of cancer.
	We'll go with- Was he like crazy thin or what?
	I mean, look at these pictures Jared sent to me.
	He actually looks pretty cut.
	Yeah, he's a big canon of a man, it looks like.
	And then if these are the end of life photos...
	What's bigger, his biceps or his heart?
	I think it's biceps.
	Guys, this is a bad man.
	This guy like assaulted and had inappropriate relationships with four young men.
	I forgot about that.
	Yeah and so then he got HIV and that's like a it's too bad that he had to be closeted all this time.
	You know his church really put the number on him it sounds like.
	That is a perspective.
	He still is an assaulter.
	Yes. So he's definitely not in heaven.
	Yeah not in heaven.
	Heaven's not real.
	So that's why a man who condemns homosexuality while being gay makes sense to me.
	That's not to say I agree with his beliefs.
	The way I look at it, if there's no God, then gayness is just an expressed pattern like everything else.
	And if there's a God, he must love gays because he made so many of them.
	And if you disagree with me, you're a racist, homophobic, cyclophobe.
	Yeah! Crowder, aren't humans by nature just major screw-ups?
	I love Enrique Iglesias.
	I think he actually might, right?
	The only thing I love about Enrique Iglesias is when he cut his hand on the drone.
	That was really unfortunate.
	That content is wild to me.
	That Gregalog, it sounds like chanced upon a weird website in the middle of the night.
	Well, I mean, a lot of people stumbled upon red eye.
	In the middle of the night, yeah.
	Deep in the night.
	You wake up.
	Yeah. And you fall asleep and something nice is on.
	Just some gentle bigotry.
	Yeah. And then you wake up and you just hear that.
	O'Reilly's on and now I got to listen to this fucking atheist talk about.
	Because remember, Gutfeld, he's like a heavy music guy.
	Remember that?
	I know there's Gwar on the show all the time.
	Gwar was on the show, Andrew WK was on the show.
	I'm not saying he's a good guy, but he's definitely like an atheist dude who loves hard music.
	He's an atheist?
	Yeah. He's just a conservative.
	Yeah. How do you get that far?
	I don't know.
	Okay. How do you get that far into being a conservative and being an atheist?
	It's kind of interesting.
	Problem. Yeah, I'm surprised that they let him be like, what is he considered the number one talk show host in America according to ratings?
	Yeah, it was like variety.
	I think we saw that the other week.
	Yeah, there's a cover But yeah, he did a he did a tribute Jared to Riley Gale after his death in 2020.
	You remember?
	Yeah, I vaguely remember that.
	Yeah Not that I like Greg Gutfeld or care to know much more about him, but I did find that funny Kind of interesting.
	I also like Enrique Iglesias.
	Hero? By La Mole?
	Oh yeah.
	Treasure? By La Mole.
	Good guy.
	Let the rhythm take you over.
	By La Moles.
	By La Moles, yeah.
	I think I fucked it up by starting that by saying it wrong.
	No, it's okay.
	I literally phonetically wrote it out as By La Mole.
	So, I'll just say it right now.
	Steven, he has some thoughts and feelings about Eddie though.
	I bet they're good.
	Yeah, but people do often engage in acts they morally oppose because people generally aren't morally opposing these acts because they're easy.
	Usually it's because they're hard to cut out and are often destructive.
	So this guy is really, he's just human, and that's why I say people shouldn't look to Christians or pastors for an example of Christianity, but to Christ.
	Imogen! Did I make any sense?
	I don't want to bring in Imogen, but I think Greg makes sense, Stephen a little less so.
	Is Stephen defending him?
	Stephen is saying that we shouldn't look to pastors for guidance, only to God, because, you know, men are fallible, I guess, and the things he was doing are difficult to stop doing because they're fun.
	Okay. I mean, I think I would come at it from a different direction.
	Yeah. I would say maybe don't sexually abuse children.
	It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, just don't do that.
	Yeah, consensual.
	We all right.
	Sometimes I don't, I shouldn't eat chocolate, but I get a chocolate bar.
	Well, that's why you're going to hell.
	You know, and this is the same thing.
	Not quite yet.
	Oh, shit.
	We explore.
	Ooh, let's bring in Amy.
	Amy Schumer.
	Yeah, let's bring her.
	Let's explore what her condem- Hi, Amy.
	What? What?
	Let's explore Amy's condemnable behaviors a bit.
	Right. Oh, sorry.
	I didn't mean to point that out.
	Amy, last word to you.
	Do you ever indulge in things that you condemn?
	Yeah, totally.
	But, you know, he really brought his fantasies into action.
	Like, I like porn, you know, but I don't want it to actually happen.
	I like to watch a girl with a lot of guys, but it's hard enough just to tell one dude you're too tired.
	Yeah, that's a lot of work.
	Imagine having to explain to, like, six guys, like, hey, somebody feels bloated.
	Rain check.
	Group huddle, right?
	Yeah, I totally hear you.
	Happens to me all the time.
	Sure. Alright, coming up, what's it like to strangle a possum with your bare hands?
	Amy Schumer tells us why it's the only way she gets off.
	Has office sex gone the way of the T-Rex?
	Probably. T-Rex are extinct, right?
	Amy doing stand-up while sitting down.
	Clearly a bit that's pre-written, right?
	Was Gutfeld always this scripted?
	I think so, yeah.
	Yeah, it feels terrible.
	Well, even Amy.
	Doing jokes and then Greg Gutfeld saying she's a chocopossum to get off?
	I don't even know what that means.
	I think it's just an outrageous thing to say.
	I guess.
	Just dig deep.
	Gotta dig deep to get off there.
	This is Chuck's cousin or whatever.
	Wait, wait, Chuck's cousin in what?
	Uh, Chuck Schumer's cousin or...
	Amy Schu...
	Are they related?
	Oh, I see what you're saying.
	He didn't know?
	I did not know that.
	Is that true, actually?
	That is real, yes.
	No. Come on.
	Yes. Chuck Schumer and Amy Schumer are related?
	Look it up right now.
	They're the same family.
	Yeah. Let's see.
	Related. She is a second cousin once removed of U.S. Senator and state minority leader Chuck Schumer.
	Well, that's far off, though.
	That's far off.
	Well, but they're related.
	That's his second cousin's kid?
	That's kind of wild, huh?
	That's far.
	That's real far.
	All right, here we go.
	Time to get into...
	Well, I accept it, Jared.
	Abstinence talk.
	Nice. It helps form a bond stronger than something really strong.
	I speak not of polydent, but of abstinence.
	At least according to a young man named Steven Crowder.
	Hmm, who's he?
	Who argues in his latest call that abstinence is kind of awesome.
	Crowder muses on why abstinence remains a punchline despite offering plenty of benefits to being friends without benefits.
	Forget that abstinence leads to approximately zero STDs or studies that show at least in successful marriages.
	It's the unbeatable bond of trust that's the real prize.
	Yes, says Crowder, there's no more worrying about your significant other cheating on you because partners can be supremely confident in their respective self-control, unlike the inventors of the new South American butt dance.
	Let me give ourselves a little funny clip that he plays of Did Steven really say that, uh, Absentence means your partner will never cheat on you?
	That stood out to me as well because there are, I mean, different ways of cheating beyond sexual cheating as well.
	Totally. Emotional cheating.
	There's all kinds of fantasizing outside.
	Even, I mean, I'm not saying you shouldn't fantasize inside a relationship, but if you're being abstinent, the weight of that might be a little bit more substantial.
	Well, of course.
	Yeah. You have something available to you that's absolutely not in your relationship.
	Yeah. That is a temptation to leave.
	I don't know.
	The day before was a big day for Steven.
	Was it?
	Published September 22nd, 2010.
	Foxnews.com.
	Why Not Having Sex Might Be Good For You.
	By Steven Crowder.
	I'm gonna read this whole dang thing.
	You guys stop me whenever.
	I will.
	Wait, how old?
	September 22nd, 2010.
	2010, okay.
	So he was 23?
	That seems right, right?
	You're the same age.
	That's when no one likes you.
	Yeah, I think he's 23. I have my predictions.
	But my prediction is that Steven cheated on his girlfriend at the time and he's writing an article about it.
	Interesting. But I want to hear the article.
	Sex. Some of us do it.
	Most of us like it.
	And we all think about it.
	A lot.
	I know I do.
	Though I'm told that it's normal.
	Getting busy really isn't the taboo subject it once was.
	Whereas once upon a time the conversation was relegated to whispers behind closed doors, nowadays it's discussed openly and without shame.
	As a stand-up comedian, I've seen a half.
	Okay, well that's...
	Is he a professional stand-up comedian?
	He claimed to be...
	He'd been on stage for about six years.
	He stood on a stage.
	He made some old folks laugh.
	laughs As a standard comedian, I've seen hacks openly depict the most depraved, explicit sexual acts they can think of just to get a laugh out of the audience.
	Do you guys like Deep Throat?
	Clearly, telling wiener jokes is no longer the treading of new territory it once was.
	Wait, so, but, this is his whole...
	It's his current state.
	That's his whole thing.
	Yeah, this is what he does.
	So does he like it or not like it?
	Well he fell back to it.
	When people do a wiener joke.
	He's got better humor.
	He has an Afghan subwoofer joke.
	I'm trying to remember that one.
	Doesn't he have the guys driving around?
	Oh yeah.
	The fake gangster Afghan.
	Maybe he's elevating dick humor.
	Is that what he's up to?
	He's hardening it.
	Richard Humor?
	Byron? Funnily enough, today there is one area of sex that when discussed still makes people's posteriors pucker with discomfort.
	Abstinence. He writes like an asshole.
	He writes like he's got a cigar in his mouth, but like in an old-timey kind of way.
	He definitely does.
	I was just like out walking, and I heard somebody say abstinence, and my asshole turned into a black hole.
	It just goes...
	Posterior pucker.
	It's a little different, right?
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I mean, he cleaned it up, I guess.
	He wanted some alliteration.
	He's doing this like hipster shit.
	Do you think he's like writing it on a fucking typewriter?
	Like a suitcase typewriter?
	He's at a caribou cafe or whatever.
	The idea of abstinence has become somewhat of a punchline in this country, from the myth of unrealistic abstinence-only education to the media's constant portrayal and mockery of young, nerdy, Out-of-touch Christians, riddled with chastity pendants, the message on abstinence being pumped through pop culture is clear.
	I'm the cool virgin.
	If you- no, opposite.
	Not quite.
	I'm the uncool virgin.
	Well, if you're abstinent, it's either because A, you're ugly, or B, you're a loser.
	In my case, it was often both.
	He's writing this like he's, it's like going to get published in like the newspaper that they're going to hold up in front of the camera at like whatever like teen special, church special that they're shooting.
	Yeah. You know, they got to like fill the space around like the prom queen missing.
	And then off to the side, it's like Stephen Crowder wrote all the words, but he actually tried.
	He's like, no one's going to read it.
	You think it's like a Christian version of saved by the bell?
	Like don't be late for class.
	Saved by the cross.
	Yes. That's pretty good.
	But if you so much as suggest to anyone that abstinence might be beneficial, you'll often find yourself vilified as a judgmental jackass faster than Bill Maher can throw up his dainty hands.
	Wait, I'm sorry, it's called...
	I got something to say about that, too.
	There's a lot, yeah.
	Judgmental Jackass?
	The show's called Cross-Section, and it's six different white kids.
	Okay. All mostly the same, other than gender.
	Yeah, all mostly the same, yeah.
	And the girls get less screen time and are only talking about boys.
	And there's only two of them, yeah.
	I also want to watch Judgmental Jackass.
	Judgmental Jackass.
	All right, now, Bill Maher's Small Hands.
	How small are they?
	I mean, maybe he did that in real time, I don't know, but...
	He does kind of do that thing where he throws his hand up and down.
	You remember when he talked to Hoctua the other week?
	Oh, that guy's so horny for Hoctua.
	Dude, he's so horny.
	Oh yeah, he talked to Hoctua before she split the country.
	Not a big fan of him lately.
	He also interviewed, what's his name, Florida almost Attorney General...
	Matt Gaetz?
	Matt Gaetz, yes.
	He had Matt Gaetz on his show?
	Yeah, and Matt Gaetz was like...
	Oh, weird.
	I'm so weird.
	Thank you.
	I love sending Venmo's for pussy, you know what I'm saying?
	Wink wink.
	He gave me the ick, for real.
	Yeah, that's weird.
	Couple of weirdos, huh?
	Yeah. Sure, Michelle Obama can run around the country and condemn little fatties for inhaling little debbies, but if you try and apply the same helpful, healthful concept to sex, it's seen as pushy and or prudish.
	While you're describing what Michelle Obama did as pushy.
	Yeah, well, I mean, this is clearly the little paragraph that he was most proud of.
	Oh, totally he was.
	He has so many jokes, he's like, I need to change it.
	Little fatty, little Debbie, little fatty.
	Great line, great line.
	And then he sold that to the guy from The Country, who wrote that song by The Crick that everyone liked about fudge rounds.
	Oh, the Oliver Country.
	Oliver Anthony.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It ain't no landline, I'll tell you that right now.
	Listen, one doesn't need to be religious, nor a rocket scientist, to see the- Land law?
	Sorry. What?
	Land law?
	Yeah, you guys haven't gotten those guys yet?
	Didn't we trade them?
	We traded them the other day.
	Waking up, busting your butt, just to get another little pay.
	Taking her out on a fishing date, and then you're going to go your separate ways.
	Yeah, it's good.
	I don't know what he says.
	Um, listen.
	Yeah. Let's disregard the immediately eliminated risk of increasingly popular STDs and SDIs.
	They're popular?
	I think he's implying that they're more common, therefore they're popular.
	Heck, let's even discount the statistical data showing that sexual exclusivity seems overwhelmingly conducive to a successful marriage.
	Abstinence also provides an incomparable bond of trust in a relationship.
	Yes, I admit it.
	I'm in a long-term relationship, and I'm abstinent.
	scandalous. I know.
	Busted, right?
	It's an increasingly difficult thing to do.
	No, not busted apparently.
	Opposite of busted.
	It's an incredibly difficult thing to do, mostly for me, because she's way out of my league.
	And that's what makes it so important.
	Yeah, she believes in things like women's rights, women's right to vote.
	She doesn't believe in no-fault divorce.
	Okay, we'll get to that for sure.
	I can tell you beyond any doubt- Women.
	Women, right?
	That my lady is able to control herself.
	Can't live with them.
	Literally. Or else.
	I'll go to hell.
	That's it.
	She's able to control herself and stick to her values regardless of circumstance.
	Just as surely, she can say the same about me.
	Ben and Jerry's benders notwithstanding.
	Uh oh, not anymore though.
	Uh oh.
	Yeah, fuck with that shit.
	No, no, no, no.
	He's pro Unilever right now.
	Yeah. Wow.
	He said, fuck that CEO.
	He's like, I love CEOs until they're woke.
	He's into the cream, but not, uh, not anymore.
	It is that display of self-control, that tangible example of living your principles through your life's walk that ensures her that I won't be jumping on the first well-proportioned opportunity that comes my way.
	She knows I can resist a fat ass.
	By the same token, I can rest easy knowing that my dame won't be trying to bed Jersey Shore's The Situation any time soon.
	Yeah. Me and Cool Tim and, uh, other two guys that I'm with, we're asking girls to flash us the tits.
	Alright, and we gotta talk about that soon, because the Campus Boys?
	Hi, I'm Steven.
	And I'm Jordan.
	I'm John.
	And I'm Tim.
	And you're watching Campus Boys.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Campus Boys, yeah.
	Was that before?
	What was the date on that?
	That was 17 years ago.
	This is 15 years ago, so.
	Okay, so, yeah.
	And I mean, I have Campus Boys clips pulled.
	I just, I wanted to save it maybe for another time.
	Eh, we'll have to listen to Wonder about that a little bit.
	So he goes on to compliment the situation's abs, but.
	Listen, my girl won't fuck anybody.
	Not even the situation.
	Like, he was like.
	Well, back then, he was like the guy, right?
	I mean, no.
	He wasn't the guy.
	The situation, I think people thought Mike, the situation, was a hunk.
	And also, he was fairly promiscuous.
	I'm on TV, babe!
	We're gonna break down a sexiest man alive of 2020.
	We could just look it up.
	You guys have got a whole bunch of screens.
	I'm doing three things.
	Jared, will you let me know what number situation was, please, on sexiest man alive?
	2010. 2010.
	Strong trust is the result.
	Do you want to take any bets?
	No. Probably 78. Ryan Reynolds.
	It's Reynolds.
	Ah, shit.
	Van Wilder, baby.
	Constantly we hear cries of women aimed at their supposedly overly jealous boyfriends.
	What's the matter?
	Don't you trust me?
	No, he doesn't.
	You slept with him on the first date, and there's no reason for him to think that you wouldn't do the same when a better offer comes along.
	you That's the whole point?
	That's kind of the thing, right?
	Sorry, I'm looking at sexy men here.
	Okay. And I gotta agree with most of these.
	Swayze. Uh-huh.
	You can skip Gibson.
	Wait, Mel Gibson is in the Sexiest Men of 2010?
	No, 1988.
	I can't find like a...
	It seems like they're just handing it over.
	Here, Johnny Depp.
	Alright, guys, let's- Hey, listen, man.
	If she slept with you on the first date, she'll sleep with anyone on the first date.
	Which is- I mean, if that's what she wants to do, that's totally fine.
	Yeah, and also- If you're not that good, then she might not be with you forever.
	She might not put out on the first date for you.
	Sure. Maybe she doesn't even know that you're on a date.
	I feel like he had a lot of those.
	We played paintball.
	What did she expect?
	Yeah, I called her the F slur.
	In a nice way!
	In the nicest way possible.
	I asked her if she was the R slur.
	But I was joking and it was funny.
	To God, you're still talking?
	What are you, the R slur?
	So while we're on the subject, he says, has the whole floozy schtick really empowered any women out there?
	I would imagine that immediate sexual gratification being assumed in modern relationships would do more damage to your gatekeeper status than good.
	For one, calling feminism gatekeeping is dumb.
	Yeah, I don't think that...
	They're called knees, first off.
	Second off.
	And having sexuality does you a disservice for your message?
	No, what?
	No, it doesn't.
	It's all about choice regardless of what you choose to do.
	Feminism is also about it being okay if you're abstinent.
	Yeah. I don't know why that's so hard for him to understand.
	Because he's 23 and stupid.
	He hasn't actually, like, developed much of an opinion on this either.
	Well, and Amy will point that out a little bit, but this guy's full to the brim with Jim.
	cough
	No, not never.
	And I'm only letting all this slide because I'm on vacation.
	I can't even see the tweets that people are going to say about all this.
	I'd also have to imagine that sex with someone whom you share trust, loyalty, and open communication would be far more liberating than the thrill of any one-night stand you could enjoy.
	How would you know, man?
	He doesn't, but it could be.
	It could be.
	It also could not be.
	Clive Owen approaches you from the bar and he's like, I'm number 40 on the Glamour Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive 2010.
	The hair stands up on the back of his neck.
	Yeah, and it's like, well, Calgon, take me away.
	Picks him up, carries him out of that pub.
	Then again, what do I know?
	I'm just a young, sexless, STD-free moron in love.
	You should try it sometime.
	Though I'm not here to judge.
	Steven Crowder's a comedian, actor, writer, and Fox News contributor.
	That's the whole article?
	That's abstinence, yes.
	It didn't say anything!
	I mean, it basically was just saying, you're wrong, I'm in love, and I'm right.
	Yeah, we do it, and it's good for you because she didn't have sex with me, so she won't have sex with anyone until later.
	So that's why it's good.
	I possess you.
	And that is a basis of love.
	You can't do this thing with anyone but me, and you won't, you know?
	Yeah. It's a really kind of nasty perspective to have.
	Yes. And I mean, they are both of them.
	Hillary, I imagine, is his long-term partner at this point, and him.
	What if it wasn't?
	It could have been someone else.
	I don't know.
	What if it was that Dr. Pepper?
	It seems like they both agreed I wasn't in their house.
	I don't know what they were thinking.
	I imagine they had two separate houses as well.
	Probably. One car, though.
	The whole time.
	I don't have a really strong opinion on this.
	If this is what worked for both of them, then that's wonderful.
	If somebody came to me and said, hey man, my partner and I were abstinent, I'd say, cool.
	What are you doing this weekend?
	Anything fun?
	I don't know.
	I feel like you've seen some people kiss for the first time.
	It's an interesting experience.
	But that is a choice.
	Not kissing is different than not sleeping together.
	Sure. Like as far as like, for one, not sleeping together is totally private anyway.
	Uh-huh.
	Like if someone said, hey man, I like to wear leggings when I have sex.
	I'd be like, okay.
	I don't care.
	You're clearly not part of the lifestyle.
	Yeah, I just don't care.
	Because sometimes it can happen in front of other people and with other people.
	Oh, totally, totally.
	And I'm fine with that.
	I don't care about that.
	All right.
	Got a bit of a square here, Jared.
	Can we play Swing Life Away, please?
	I'm hearing him.
	Is that song about the pineapple lifestyle?
	Maybe, dude.
	I have no idea.
	Swing Swing?
	All American Rejects?
	Yeah, I understand.
	Stephen knows that one.
	Also about the pineapple.
	Clearly. Yeah, yeah.
	That guy fucks.
	We know Tyson Tyson.
	Look at that guy.
	He's a model.
	Come on.
	He probably has as much sex as the situation does.
	He was a gene model in 2004.
	Was he a Hollister model?
	Probably. Look at that ass.
	All right.
	Let's let the debate begin.
	And let's actually begin at the end.
	Steve, here's my question.
	It's admirable.
	When do you stop?
	When do you stop with the abstinence?
	How will you know it's time?
	Well, once you have a ring on your finger, obviously.
	The only way to know for sure is once you're married.
	And, of course, people know I'm a Christian.
	This column is not at all pushing faith in anybody.
	It's just talking about the actual benefits.
	If you really want to argue for abstinence, you can stop the argument and be abstinent, don't get sick and die.
	Yeah. But, you know, I can say from personal experience that it does build a bond of trust.
	Constantly, you hear women.
	How often do you hear, well, don't you trust me?
	It's like, no, you slept with me on the first date.
	So, of course, I don't trust you.
	It's that old thing, like, I wouldn't join a club that would let me into that club.
	Right. She's gonna sleep with me, then she'll sleep with anybody.
	Even if it's because I'm Canadian, they won't let me in.
	Yeah. Except for Canadian club ginger ale.
	It says, wolves in wolves clothing, just straight up.
	I don't trust you because you trusted me.
	Yeah. Yeah.
	That's what he said.
	Kind of an interesting perspective there, Stephen.
	It wouldn't make sense to debate something like equality between sexes with someone like Stephen who doesn't believe that there is or that there should be.
	So, I don't even know where to go with that.
	Clearly he thinks less about women.
	I mean, like, there's nowhere else to go.
	He just said, straight up, like, I wouldn't fuck me if I were you.
	So why are you fucking me?
	And why are you fucking me on the first date?
	That's a mistake.
	As he's fucking someone, he says, you are disgusting.
	Yeah. Why are you fucking on the first date?
	Shame on you.
	I get to.
	I'm a man.
	I get a pass.
	But you, on the other hand, you're wretched.
	And there's something about the way he talks about the agreements of not having sex before marriage.
	It feels like a deliberate trap, some sort of control situation.
	Like you're a disgusting dentist.
	You're keeping something from someone you're using almost as a bargaining chip.
	Sure. And I can tell you right now that there's plenty of people who would rush into relationships and rush into marriage.
	Very true.
	Yeah. Like, I'm of the mindset, you should sleep with somebody before you marry them, because what if they're weird?
	Well, I mean, a nicer way to say it would be sexual compatibility.
	No, what if they're weird, dude?
	What if they wear leggings?
	Well, that's fine.
	You're not into the leggings.
	Yeah, what if you don't like leggings?
	Well, you could rip them open.
	You know, dude?
	Now you're thinking.
	All right, I'm sure Amy has some thoughts on this.
	Amy, do you have any thoughts on this?
	Yes, but also, you know, I sleep with a guy on the first date.
	Usually, if a guy holds my hand, he's gonna wind up f***ing me.
	So, here's the thing.
	I don't think that women should use sex as a bargaining chip, and a lot of them do.
	If I want to sleep with someone, I do it.
	And I am a monogamous slut.
	Can I say that on air?
	Yeah, I think you can.
	That's not what we're worried about.
	But what I'm saying is, yeah, I have a higher risk of disease.
	I also have a much higher risk of fun.
	No, no, I'm not saying that.
	What I'm saying is you're proving my point by saying that, you know, you don't think it should be used as a bargaining tool.
	Yeah. I mean, as far as you know, the kind of point of the column is that abstinence is the one And I don't either.
	I also don't think much about it.
	I don't want to think about that at all, man.
	Sex is a bargaining chip.
	Withholding sex is also a bargaining chip.
	Yep. And I feel like he's doing a little bit of both.
	Using whatever you have to be purposely incompatible with someone's wants is a bargaining chip.
	I don't know.
	I guess I don't love any transactual one-sided perspective on sex.
	I think it should be something that two people give each other because they both agree to do it and they're both into it.
	Yeah. As long as you're compatible, that's all that matters.
	Yeah, I mean...
	Just do your thing.
	No weird shit on the first time.
	It's nice.
	Don't get married, do the weird shit.
	Yeah, do the weird shit!
	I'm like doing this test with my friends to see if they're shitheads.
	It's kind of like what this episode is.
	I make a statement about sex and you guys agree and then we're quiet.
	Yeah, I thought this was all...
	Pre-agreed upon.
	Here are my rules, okay?
	Here are my sex rules.
	Huh. Consenting adults.
	Yeah. That's it.
	Over. Okay.
	And I want to define the logic of our sex lives.
	Beck, hell yeah, dude.
	All right.
	Into really weird things, though.
	Like I said, I don't want to speculate.
	You know, here's the thing.
	I will say that in Steven's mind, when he said this, He thought it was something like...
	69. Sure.
	Sure, sure, sure, sure.
	Are we doing weird stuff?
	Yeah! Of course.
	Like, uh...
	Five years I might slap your butt.
	Like, leaving your shirt on.
	Turn the lights off and leave my shirt on.
	Don't make eye contact.
	Those are the rules.
	That's all, folks.
	Because he's doing the quiet porky pig.
	I prefer Winnie the Pooh.
	Frankly, it's cuter.
	There you go.
	Yes, yes.
	And when I get stuck in your doorway, and you've got to paint a face on my ass, and that's what I'm into.
	It's very specific kinky up there, Jared.
	Well, I just want to be upfront about it before.
	You mean behind.
	As a quick reminder, Amy Schumer's career, this was three years after she placed fourth on the fifth season of Last Comic Standing.
	Is that how she became famous?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Well, I mean, she was doing comedy before that, but...
	Wait, why?
	Just because of Chuck Schumer?
	Chuck Schumer got her out of the mothership.
	Do you think that this exact conversation has to do with why Chuck caved on the budget?
	I don't think it's related, yeah.
	She was on Red Eye plugging her show on Fuse, co-hosted by Mark Hoppus of Blink-182.
	Hell yeah.
	At the time it was titled a different spin with Mark Hoppus, but before it went to air it was changed to Hoppus on Music.
	Bad. I think a different spin was better, but...
	Much better.
	Yeah, music news, panel discussions, special reports, and musical performances.
	I think it lasted maybe a little bit under two years.
	Then of course her show Inside Amy Schumer on Comedy Central really propelled her into the public consciousness.
	Sure. With Trainwreck not too far behind.
	Yeah. She wasn't like massive at this point on Red Eye, but she was definitely a more established comic than Stephen Crowder.
	And we'll hear more about that soon.
	Trust me.
	And the thing is, there should be no confidence.
	And, you know, you slip by the dirty comedian thing.
	But honestly, you call yourself a comedian.
	But you don't do it that much.
	Like, I go fishing a couple times a year.
	But I don't introduce myself on TV as a fisherman.
	Oh, this is really powerful.
	personal for a concept about acting.
	That's fantastic.
	It's probably one of the best things that anyone's ever said to Steven Crowder's face.
	Yeah, you're not a comedian, bro.
	Who's the other person laughing?
	Probably Greg Gottfeld and there was two other folks, yeah.
	Because one of the girls has a great just like Background laugh.
	Yeah, Steven's injured by this.
	Of course he is.
	This hurts him deeply.
	Yeah, it does.
	23-year-old him is like, what have I gotten myself into?
	Yeah. He continues in his response...
	No, but what I'm saying is there's no way...
	I'm saying the whole point is that someone can get up on stage, we even talk about it in the column, and talk about anything dirty that they want, but the second you mention abstinence, people, they pucker with discomfort, like, oh no, we can't talk about this, and you're vilified as judgmental.
	It's just not...
	Statistically... It's the healthiest thing to do.
	It is conducive towards a better marriage by a 25% spread.
	It only takes that one person though.
	And there is no contract that the person's not going to cheat on you because they're abstinent.
	She could fall in love with somebody else.
	There is a contract.
	That's what a marriage is.
	It's a contract that more than 60% of people break.
	Actually, that's not true.
	If you look at the new US Census Bureau statistics, more than 70% of first time marriages last.
	So before I dive into those numbers, do you have anything else you want to comment on?
	Hmm, I don't think so.
	Marriage is a contract.
	Well, I'll just say that Stephen totally misunderstood her point.
	Not having sex, there's no contract that she's not going to have sex with somebody else.
	Yeah, or that she might leave you or fall in love with someone else.
	And he's like, marriage is a contract?
	Marriage is a contract.
	And she's like, I'm talking about the current situation.
	Like, he just totally missed the point.
	Yeah, but I mean, I think I understand what he's saying is it should be, I mean, we look at his current thoughts on marriage.
	Once you get the ring on the finger, you no longer have to worry about that ever.
	They can't leave you.
	Yeah, it's impossible.
	And they have to have sex with you.
	Anytime you want.
	Yeah. It's a rule.
	I think he truly believes that.
	I mean, it's a vibe I get.
	Yeah. I mean, he still does.
	I always wonder now, you know, that there's like all these Uh, yahoos in Texas who think about this, uh...
	No Fault Divorce.
	Yeah, where they're not trying to rename the New York Strip to the Texas Strip.
	That they're, like, talking about fucking...
	No way!
	This is real.
	Dan Patrick.
	They're not freedom-frying the New York Strip, right?
	Oh yeah, you haven't seen this?
	It's like...
	No! God.
	This is what, like, Dan Patrick, I believe, has been wasting his fucking time with.
	That and trying to buy THC from head shops.
	Huh. And them recognizing him and being like, get the fuck out of here, you fucking clown.
	It's weird.
	See, I try not to fall into those anymore because I got duped by a TikTok prank.
	Someone was listening to audio of Donald Trump discussing how they were going to change the name of Washington D.C. because it's nowhere near Columbia.
	And I was like, nope, I can't, because I got duped by it.
	So now I no longer believe anything.
	Yeah, I mean, the thing is that the fact that you can be duped by that is the problem.
	Yeah, yeah, things are not great right now.
	I'm going back to local news sources only.
	I think that's a good place.
	Give me that local news.
	But yeah, his, you know, coalition of dorks that want to reverse or create a new law, basically, that would say that, you know, women can't divorce their husbands.
	Yeah. I don't know.
	It's one of those things where I feel like it's not that low on the list.
	People think that they're happy.
	They're not going to do that.
	Are you kidding me?
	These guys don't have fucking time on their hands.
	This is the type of shit that they're after.
	The Texas Strip.
	This is what your taxpayer dollars are going to, Texas.
	First they came for the Texas Strip and I did nothing.
	Because I am not a cattle rancher.
	Bill Maher recommended changing the name to No Limit Beyonce instead of Texas Hold'em.
	I just threw my little hands in the air.
	70% huh?
	Is it 70% of first time marriages last?
	Yeah, not exactly.
	In the study he's referencing, it's not exactly the US Census Bureau.
	In 2010, the data from the National Survey of Family Growth, the NSFG, indicated that the probability of a first marriage lasting at least 10 years was 68% for women and 70% for men, which is kind of interesting.
	However, when looking at longer duration of 20 years, the probability of a first marriage surviving was 52% for women and 56% for men, which is closer to the range it is now.
	Seems like it's always kind of been like that since the millennium.
	And it just proves the point that it's not.
	Not a forever thing for everybody.
	Also, the NSFG survey is conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics, which is a division for the Centers for Disease Control.
	Now you believe in the CDC, Steven?
	That's pretty wild, yeah.
	You trust them now?
	And he also just said, US Census Bureau, not knowing anything about that.
	He has no idea what he's doing.
	But he sure knows to use the word puckered because he just wrote it in an article the day before.
	Puckered. Puckered.
	Gross guy.
	Okay, but then the guy goes off and sleeps with a young boy.
	Well, good, you guys stayed married, but then there's infidelity.
	Why don't you bring up the statistics that guys are running around rampantly sleeping with young boys?
	First of all, I'm not a boy.
	I know I have characteristics as such.
	All I'm saying is yes, you're right.
	Of course it is way safer to not have sex, but yeah, but if you have sex with one person, maybe they've had sex with one person.
	It only takes that one.
	I've probably had sex with, I don't know, a Baker's two dozen, you know, and I'm fine.
	Mike Baker?
	You had sex with Mike Baker?
	He is happily married.
	He's hot.
	Thus proving your point.
	He's hot.
	All I'm saying is that.
	I don't know exactly if I agree with Amy's point here, if you marry someone before having sex with them, they're more likely to go have sex with like a boy.
	I don't know what that was.
	I think that, I mean, I think she's just using it as an example of like why it seemed like maybe it's like more to like the point that she was making before.
	Right. Well, in reference to the story before.
	Yeah. I couldn't find anything that said that, like, if you get in a marriage and you are not sexually satisfied, if you're not sexually compatible, that you'll lean into, like, more deviant, taboo behaviors.
	She could be trying to say that.
	She could also be trying to say that, um, what if you realize you're gay?
	Well, yeah.
	And maybe that's just kind of an insensitive way of approaching that.
	Sure. And it also could just be shock value.
	Totally. Which is also what she's up to.
	I mean, I guess I could see, like, if you are stuck in a marriage where you're not sexually compatible with someone and you're spending a lot more time fantasizing about what your true desires are, you might become a little bit obsessed with that.
	Yeah. What are your guys' true desires?
	Ask out.
	Oh, you want to hear them?
	We'll do that at Shrug.Club.
	Play some, like, cool erotica music.
	Shrug after dark.
	Shrug. Spice.
	Shrug spice.
	shrug line.
	It's like a love line.
	I like it.
	Yeah. I think I'm probably with you on the, her just being a little bit leaning into the character.
	Yeah. But it's interesting.
	I don't want to give Greg flowers here, but I think he does a much better job of Making his comedy show a comedy show.
	At least back then.
	Again, I have to listen to him now.
	That's the thing.
	Lack of abstinence is directly linked to really good abs.
	That's the problem.
	That is a problem.
	I've got a beer gun.
	But I have to say, my last three relationships, which each lasted between two to five years, we slept with each other almost immediately.
	And it's because I knew that I wanted to be with them, you know?
	But why'd you kill them?
	Except at the five-year mark.
	Yeah, but so what?
	At least I figured it out and I didn't get married and spend my life with somebody that I hate.
	The whole point.
	Yeah. I think that it's turned on the lights.
	It's very clear.
	Yes. If you date someone for five years and find out that they're not right for you, maybe you shouldn't be together.
	Yeah, you're probably glad you're not married to them in five years.
	I think that if you get married in two years, three years later find out you're miserable and then are forced to just stay within an unhappy marriage your entire life, that's going to be the right trajectory for your life.
	Yeah, right.
	And everyone around you.
	For any woman that ends up with me, someone that I wouldn't trust, I would argue that waiting until marriage to do things like live together, have sex, travel, bank account.
	Waiting to do those things leads to more divorce.
	Probably, yeah.
	Because those are things that often cause breakups.
	Stress in a relationship.
	Yeah, and you need to know how you handle that stress before you decide to say, let's get married.
	In my opinion.
	I agree.
	I disagree with my opinion.
	Just do whatever the hell you want.
	Feel free to convince me otherwise.
	It doesn't matter.
	Yeah, right, exactly.
	We're not done yet, though.
	Yeah, I mean, there's nothing wrong with dating someone and realizing that they're not right for you.
	Yeah, I mean, it's shameful for everybody involved.
	Oh, wait.
	You don't know about that.
	Not just because I just got out of a long-term relationship.
	That's fine.
	I can't justify the feelings in my heart.
	I think Steven has called picking his former wife the biggest mistake he's ever made.
	Really? Yeah.
	Whoa! Which is a really awful, immature thing to say at the end of a relationship.
	That's so awful.
	So you have kids with her?
	Kids with her.
	And that's the other thing, is like, if you're in a marriage that is not happy, and you're raising kids in that marriage, like, the kids are going to be affected.
	Oh yeah.
	City guys with the kids?
	I don't think you have the chops for that.
	Sorry. Take me to the next clip.
	But statistically, that's wrong.
	I mean, if you want to disregard stats and facts.
	Statistically, what's wrong?
	Statistically, 87% of people who wait until they're married are happier and 52% aren't.
	And the same thing that you can look at the social organization of sexuality.
	These are not Christian-funded studies.
	How do you have statistics on people's happiness?
	You tell them, are you happy?
	Are they emotionally satisfied?
	Is there a church smiling?
	No, you can say, are you emotionally satisfied?
	Are you sexually satisfied in your marriage?
	Yes, no.
	By 25% spread, both spouses who are virgins, yes.
	Are you sexually satisfied in your marriage?
	Yes. Is it difficult for you to have an orgasm?
	Lie! Lie!
	Why would people have to be honest about their emotions?
	It's all the sources that are listed in the column.
	Every single source listed.
	These are things that have been used by the kinsmen.
	What I'm saying is, who cares what they said?
	A lot of people say they have happy marriages, even in therapy when they're miserable.
	He's started all the sources in the comments thing.
	Even back then.
	A long time ago.
	I didn't see him.
	I didn't see those sources publicly available.
	In 2010, a study published by the...
	There they are.
	Oh, shoot.
	That is possible on the screen.
	Thanks, Tim.
	They went away.
	A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology by Brigham Young University researchers...
	BYU, baby.
	Interesting....found that couples who delayed sexual intimacy in telemarriage experienced several benefits compared to those who had sex earlier in their relationship.
	Wait a minute...
	Yeah. And you're saying this is Brigham Young?
	Yes, yes, yes.
	That sounds prestigious.
	It sure does.
	Involved 2,035 married individuals that showed that couples who waited until marriage reported 22% higher relationship stability, 20% higher relationship satisfaction, 15%...
	Stability like the mattress that their friends are jumping on?
	15% better sexual quality, 12% better communication.
	And in...
	My first response is, compared to what?
	You guys are fucking the first person for the first time?
	How can you say that you have better sexual quality?
	He's the best sexual partner I've ever had.
	It should be 100%, right?
	What are you comparing it to?
	I don't understand.
	Better communication compared to what?
	This is your first marriage.
	If you're unhappy with the sex from the only person you've ever had sex with, they must be horrible.
	Horrendous. Wow.
	Wasn't Brigham Young a famous polygamist?
	Yeah, here we go.
	The lead author of this- What the fuck is this guy talking about?
	Yeah. Lead author of this study, his name is Dean M. Busby.
	He's a professor at BYU, which of course is owned and operated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
	Nice. The Mormons.
	Folks who love marriage and fucking in that order.
	His research and teachings in general emphasize the importance of integrating spirituality and sexuality in a, quote, healthy manner, which aligns with the values often promoted within religious communities like the LDS church.
	So this study is most likely.
	It rips.
	It fucking kick ass, dude.
	Fucking badass study.
	They didn't even have to talk about soaking at all, they were just like...
	I want the soaking stats, dude.
	Yeah, the subtext was, soaking is cool.
	Yeah, I did cut out the underwear in the soaking, and I'm sorry.
	Yeah, the ceremonial underwear is kind of cool too, I guess.
	So this is the last clip from our conversation between Amy Schumer and Steven Crowder, moderated by Greg Gutfeld.
	Okay. Like, you know, you ended it by saying no judgments, but it definitely felt very judgmental.
	Of course, and the column was written about the reaction from people like you who, the second you talk about abstinence, get upset.
	So, thank you.
	Well, people like me who are almost ten years older than you and know what it's like to live life and not just have all these morals with no life experience.
	Right, I have no life experience.
	That is true.
	I'm sorry, but somebody who works a little bit of the Christian comedy circuit...
	The Christian comedy circuit?
	What? What just happened here?
	The irony is...
	This is the longest debate we've ever had on Radiohead.
	It is!
	It is!
	In almost three and a half years.
	The irony is they make a very sexy TV show.
	I like Steven.
	I think he's smart.
	No, I think you're smart, you're young, and you're great.
	But I'm just saying...
	Well, you're wrong on all those counts.
	This was all a ploy to pick you up, by the way.
	Oh, I'm flirting.
	This is me flirting.
	Is it working?
	She spat on me during the commercial break.
	That's my thing.
	That's what I do.
	So, do you have a comment on the show?
	Email us.
	Everybody, when you're young, when you're that age, you think you are done.
	You're like, I'm experienced.
	I got five years of adulthood, bro.
	Yeah, yeah, five big ones.
	When in reality, you're five years away from truly being an adult.
	Yeah, 23-year-old me was a piece of shit.
	Oh, you were.
	Yes, we all were.
	No, I don't know.
	Except for Steven.
	No, I completely agree.
	I was far from being what would be considered an adult and thought I was about as old as a person could get.
	Yeah, I'm old.
	Ouch, my bones.
	I got to throw one a little bit into his corner here and say that if I was 23 and on Fox News at one o'clock in the morning.
	I would feel...
	Pretty good about that.
	Pretty accomplished, dude.
	I guess that is probably true.
	That is probably true.
	Oh, how the money have fallen, though.
	I know.
	When's the last time he was on Fox News?
	Probably the last time he got popped in the head.
	Yeah, they cover in it, not even as a commentator.
	Not even asking him, not even asking him in his own words what happened.
	Just playing the clip I am giving.
	Let's take a peek at this.
	Former Red Eye guest host, I guess.
	He was a commentator.
	He would get called in to be the comedian talking about Obama-era politics.
	But did we talk any at all about the Vic Berger Gutfeld texts?
	Oh, God.
	Oh, is that the milk one?
	Yeah, that's the milk one.
	Oh, man.
	I have a couple of them pulled up.
	This whole conversation reminds me of that one clip of the people going, Virginity is cool!
	Come on now!
	Virginity is cool!
	I don't know that clip.
	You don't know that clip?
	No. Oh, it's so good.
	I do know, Jared, over there, you have pulled up what is allegedly leaked text between greg gutfeld talking about stephen crowder with with one vick burger wait with vick burger with vick burger the vick burger why is greg gutfeld talking to vick burger because vick burger is an excellent documentarian and he I think has a way of reaching across the aisle in some cases,
	and maybe not too far with Gutfeld, it sounds like, as we've discovered in this episode.
	Interesting. Well, it seemed like Steven and Greg had, like, a good rapport.
	I can't imagine these are gonna be bad or anything.
	Well, Gutfeld has some opinions, I guess, and so this, uh, Gutfeld says, you know, his musical thing was so painful I wanted to cry for his family.
	Berger responds, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
	And he's in love with his body.
	Methinks he's got an issue with his sexuality, which is fine.
	Thanks, Greg.
	Which, I love the methinks.
	It's just like, methinks.
	It kind of does sound like something that would be a part of a Gregalog, right?
	Methinks. Sounds too Jar Jar Binks for me.
	Yeah, do you want to go ahead and do the...
	Do you want to do it like Jar Jar or Dennis?
	No, I don't think he needs to.
	Okay. Well, it's week two.
	It's a great offer.
	I'll get one of you guys one of these times.
	And so Burger says, yeah, any chance he can get, he's shirtless, orange rag, tight yoga pants, dot dot dot, gut filled.
	But it's so obvious to everyone but him.
	Which is usually the truth.
	Yes, he's always like a Chippendale.
	And he was only at FNC for like six months.
	We all hated him.
	Fox News Channel.
	Channel, yeah.
	And he acts like he was a badass who left FNC.
	No, none of us could stand him.
	Oh, this is getting sad really, really quick.
	Yeah. And maybe these ones are out of context here, but this is all gut-filled.
	He says, And again, I'm sorry, I don't know the context.
	Which would be cool if it wasn't him.
	He wants to be a star and hates everyone who took that risk and he didn't.
	He calls himself a comedian, but he doesn't perform.
	That's how the Schumer thing started.
	I would not let him call himself a comedian on my show.
	And Amy knew that.
	I hated him for saying he performs.
	In quotes.
	Yikes, okay.
	That one's directly related to the clip.
	Yeah, slams him pretty hard there.
	That's not great.
	But that's gotta be it, right?
	No, no, no, no.
	Here's it.
	Here's it, Gutfeld.
	No, he wouldn't.
	He has issues.
	I met him at a bar once and he sat Indian-style on the floor.
	Well, maybe you don't want to say that, Gutfeld.
	Yeah, I don't like that, but wait, what?
	In the middle of a crowded bar.
	And then Berger says, HA!
	That's insane!
	Gutfeld says, he also, no joke, ordered milk.
	And Berger says, he is such a weirdo.
	That tracks, though.
	He straight up said that like three weeks ago, that he orders milk at bars.
	Yeah, he's a milk drinker.
	And this came out before that.
	These texts are dated from March 2017.
	Wow. It's committed to the...
	to the moo.
	And then lastly here, yeah.
	The cream, daddy-o.
	Gut-filled sing.
	And there's still time for Crowder to grow up when he finally comes out and marries his personal trainer.
	That's it.
	Well, I mean, we've seen him working out in the morning and I didn't see a personal trainer.
	Yeah, maybe they were filming.
	That's a good point, Dennis.
	Is it Nick Dipp?
	Okay, no.
	Nick Dipp is...
	I mean, and that's all just rumor, of course.
	Which brings us to the last chapter.
	I thought you were going to say the main story for some reason, and I'm like, whoa!
	Well, it's pretty big.
	This is Waiting Till the Wedding Night, Getting Married the Right Way by Steven Crowder.
	Nice. It was published by Fox News September 14th, 2012.
	September 14th, 2012.
	Yeah. 25 years old.
	Yeah. Freshly married.
	As anyone who's read my abstinence column here at Fox News Opinion could guess, my wedding is something that I've looked forward to for quite some time.
	After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt that it was everything I had hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood.
	I'd also prayed to be- Was he dreaming about his wedding sex as a kid?
	Yeah, he sure was.
	And that's fine!
	He's always wanted to be a Disney princess.
	Yeah, I was gonna say.
	Let's be real.
	That's fine.
	It's his day.
	I'd also pray to be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop sticky hands, but I was an idiot.
	You got sticky hands other ways.
	All right.
	Let's be real.
	Let me preface this column by saying this.
	My wife...
	My wife...
	He says, I have to get used to saying that, which is kind of a sweet thing to say.
	And I not only waited sexually in every way, no we didn't pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid sex sex, but we didn't shack up as live-ins and most importantly we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values.
	We did it right.
	Feeling judged?
	I couldn't care less.
	You know why?
	Because my wife, meh, and I were judged all throughout our relationship.
	People laughed, scoffed, and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive, Christian people.
	He thinks a lot of people think about him, right?
	He really does.
	I mean, it's- You're being weird about it, man.
	You're being weird as a narcissist.
	Oh yeah, I guess that could be it.
	Like, even though Steven is freshly Re-celibate.
	That's the episode title.
	Re-celibate.
	I don't think that has really come up in our conversations, in our coverage of Steven.
	I don't think that we give a fuck about that.
	I don't care at all about his sex life.
	I only care how his behavior affects other people.
	Yep. And if he is being hypocritical about sex life.
	I'd like to point that out, yeah.
	We'd certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping.
	And if we did, our quote, wedding night would be awkward and terrible, they say.
	Turns out that people couldn't have been more wrong.
	Looking back, I think that the woman saying those things felt like the Floozies.
	They ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.
	Goddamn. You know what I really want right now?
	Poetry. A Dr. Pepper.
	Why? Dennis is gonna...
	He's feeling flappable.
	He's feeling like a little breeze coming on I think.
	Yeah I'm feeling like a minx.
	Oh, I see what you got there.
	I think it's important to write this column not to gloat, though I'll be glad to, but to speak up for all the young couples that have also done things the right way.
	When people do marriage right, they don't complain so much, and their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans peddling their pathetic worldview as progressive.
	You know what I gotta bring into this article about my wife?
	Democrats! Of course.
	The left, dammit!
	I just want to say that one more time.
	Signed by rabble of promiscuous charlatans peddling their pathetic worldview as progressive.
	Is that really the whole thing here?
	That, uh, once your body counts a certain point, you just fall to the left?
	Oh no, my hair is turning blue!
	Oh no, my hair!
	I'm about to scream to the sky!
	Our wedding was perfect.
	Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing.
	How would you know?
	Good point.
	I mean, it was probably the best...
	I bet it was the best sex he's had in his whole life.
	Exactly. Yeah.
	I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet Earth.
	I feel like he doesn't believe that anymore.
	He doesn't believe that anymore.
	He says it was the biggest mistake of his life.
	So brutal.
	Wait, did Schumer dog walk him?
	Was she right?
	I mean, she was.
	She wasn't wrong.
	You don't even know what you're going to be into in ten years.
	Yeah. Not his wife!
	No. He really isn't into her.
	Well, I mean, enough that he wanted to own her.
	He wanted her to not be able to leave, but...
	Yeah. Yeah.
	I know everybody says that their bride was the, quote, most beautiful in the world.
	They're wrong.
	I win.
	I'd like to tell you a story of our morning after, however.
	One that transpi- One that transpires- Woke up at 7am and got that continental breakfast.
	She didn't know she needed to pee afterwards, so it kinda hurt.
	Okay, okay!
	Jesus Christ!
	For us both.
	Come on, man!
	Okay, I won't do my UTI.
	Well, listen, they don't have a fucking sexual education at all.
	That's a good point.
	I mean, yeah.
	It was pretty vulgar.
	Hillary got a yeast infection and so did Steven.
	Equal. Just keeping my hands over my eyes right now.
	Okay. I know everybody says that their bride was the most beautiful in the world.
	They're wrong.
	I win.
	Okay. I'd like to tell you the story of our morning after.
	However, one that transpired into one of the most glaring epiphanies I'd ever had.
	I don't know if I understand that phrasing.
	I think he just wanted to use the word transpired.
	Probably. Yeah.
	As my wife, again, Still not used to that.
	And I ate breakfast in the local inn.
	You guys were right.
	They're eating breakfast.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Guys, I love continental breakfast.
	Dennis and I had one not too long ago.
	Yeah, the waffle.
	Dude, the new pancake one that squishes them together.
	And I'm sorry, were you guys on your honeymoon, or?
	Dennis and I?
	Yeah, yeah, is that?
	Oh, okay, okay.
	It's just kind of like a more low-key hangout.
	It was an anniversary.
	An anniversary of comedy.
	Nothing wrong with taking the free food, you paid for it, but also...
	Take the free food even if you didn't pay for it to show up.
	What are you doing leaving?
	The juice so sweet it burns your throat?
	It's the best.
	As we ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together.
	How scary it was that everything was now so different.
	At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing Disgusting.
	Discussing their very own wedding from the night prior.
	What a coincidence.
	The thing is, nothing really changed, the bride said.
	Puzzled, my wife asked, Did you get married last night too?
	So did we!
	Congratulations, the other dame said.
	Yeah, we did.
	Just last night.
	Where's the groom?
	My wife innocently scratched that, naively asked.
	Oh, he's sleeping.
	There was no way he was coming out with me this morning.
	She paused and smirked.
	Let's just say that he got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.
	Let's just say?
	Like he's hungover.
	He had too much to drink.
	Okay. There's nothing wrong with that.
	Nothing shameful.
	She's trying to be like, he can't walk because he got pegged too hard.
	I mean...
	We did Amazon position and...
	His hamstrings are sore.
	That was the end of it for him.
	I don't know.
	I just think that was kind of an odd...
	That makes me believe that this story's not real.
	It's not real.
	Because it's clearly coming from him playing all characters.
	Did he not drink at his wedding?
	I mean like he...
	Milk on the middle of the...
	He sat on the floor and had some milk.
	Yeah. Criss-cross applesauce, gut-filled.
	Yeah. My heart sank.
	Firstly, that poor schmuck's good time was simply getting schnookered.
	Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends, long-lost?
	With a cl- That's your wedding.
	I would hope that- Yeah, you invite the people you haven't seen in forever.
	Sure, long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not sharing in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake,
	not even carrying her across the suite floor, Yeah, he was having a good time.
	Fuck y'all.
	Fuck it, dude.
	You know what he should have had was, uh, have a bad time and, uh...
	Yeah, he didn't talk to these people.
	He just judged them from his only half-cooked waffle.
	She was texting and he's like, I know the whole story.
	I mean, it's projection.
	Oh, totally.
	I'm glad that this is what he wanted from a wedding.
	This is not what everyone wants from a wedding.
	Like, and that's okay!
	No, I see a lot of weddings.
	Yes, you do.
	There's all different ways people celebrate at the end.
	I've seen weddings that are over at 630 because they want to go and bang it out.
	Sure. I've seen weddings that they just party until 2am and everyone just like crashes in like the intense.
	Yeah, clear head, clean conscience, and also people like to have fun with their friends.
	Yeah, totally.
	Because when you put sex on a pedestal like this, you make it weird sometimes.
	Sure do.
	And we haven't really heard what his then wife Thought about this night, not very much.
	We should get on the show.
	No. I would never.
	I would actually never do that.
	That's very few things I would clearly say no to.
	Then I realized something.
	Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event.
	It was a God's honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one.
	Physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together.
	He sounds like he's just reading what the officiant said the day before from his perspective.
	Yeah, I think he's kind of recapping that.
	Yeah. Which is a...
	We wore rings.
	A ring is a circle with no beginning and no...
	An ouroboros around my finger.
	Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.
	His whole family came out to- To watch them have sex?
	To sleep together for the first time?
	It's crazy, man.
	That is kinda- I mean, huh.
	If you look at it from a traditional viewpoint, people are kinda coming to say, hey man, I can't wait for you guys to fuck tonight, congratulations.
	Hell yeah, dude, hell yeah.
	Tell me how it is, dude.
	Well, okay, Uncle Rick.
	This is just Stephen's, like, you know...
	Marriage is what brings us together today.
	Like a dream within a dream.
	Why are you acting like he's not a full-grown adult man?
	This is weird.
	On the show just a minute ago, he said he was.
	Yeah, he says a lot of things.
	An experienced adult.
	He's an impressive adult.
	Uh-oh, he's not done ripping apart the couple next to him.
	The people next to us that morning?
	Well, theirs was just one big party.
	And the morning after?
	Just another hangover.
	Our weddings were the same event in name only.
	They know it, and we know it.
	Do yours the right way.
	If you're young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot MIMBO.
	What? MIMBO?
	Yeah. Is it man BIMBO?
	Wow. Is BIMBO an acronym?
	I don't think it stands for anything, right?
	What's a MIMBO?
	Does he not know what...
	MIMBO? Yeah.
	Man BIMBO?
	Man BIMBO, right?
	I think that's just HIMBO, right?
	HIMBO. HIMBO.
	It should be HIMBO.
	I mean, yeah.
	Mimbo male bimbo.
	Interesting. Now referred to as himbo.
	Hmm, okay.
	Cameroon. It comes from Cameroonian.
	Wow, okay.
	Cool, so anyways, what are you saying?
	Uh, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot slash mimbo and do it the world's way.
	If you're wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is.
	Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life.
	Or just another party.
	Oops, did I just make a judgment?
	You're damn right I did.
	He said darn, actually.
	He said darn.
	Oh man.
	So let me tell you a little story here.
	So my wife and I, on our wedding day, we actually won a million dollars.
	And then we were eating waffles at the Holiday Inn.
	Yeah. And this lady next to us, she's been a millionaire for like 20 years.
	Okay. So her husband was sleeping.
	What a loser.
	Okay. So they didn't get married then?
	No, they've been millionaires for years.
	Okay. Okay.
	I just became a millionaire, so.
	So you're better?
	Yeah. Oh.
	Yeah. Why wasn't he there again?
	Cause he was, he was too rich.
	He had too much coins in his pocket.
	He spent like three million dollars.
	I think I'm starting to understand what you're saying.
	There we go.
	There we go.
	You know, I'm not going to judge Steven for his, you know, for his idea of what he wanted for his marriage.
	I am sad that it affected his partner in that marriage.
	And I'm, I do judge him for the way his marriage ended.
	Uh, sure.
	I'm not even going to judge him for his marriage ending.
	I'm just going to judge him for how he handled it.
	Yeah, he didn't handle it well.
	Beyond the abuse, while inside of it, he fully embraced a toxic men's rights mindset, expressing disdain for the Texas no-fault divorce laws.
	So here's my big issue with this kind of a take for a lot of folks.
	When you try and describe abstinence, and you try and explain it in a way that you want to logically justify it to other people.
	Yeah. It's just not going to work ever.
	It's like trying to logically explain your belief in God.
	It is your belief.
	It's your faith.
	It's fine.
	But you can share faith.
	You can share faith.
	Yeah, you can share.
	This is why I believe.
	I'm not even saying share to people.
	Share with other people.
	Sure. Oh, sure, sure.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But that's it.
	It's just like, you know what?
	I don't want to do that.
	So I'm not going to do that.
	And that's okay.
	That's fine.
	Yeah. Stephen's judging others way more than people are judging him.
	I don't think.
	Wait a second.
	Yeah, he is clearly doing that.
	He even says it the last time.
	I mean, we all know how things ended for Steven and his then-wife.
	contentious divorce proceedings started in 2021.
	He was accused of mental and emotional abuse throughout their relationship.
	She was isolated from her family.
	Remember the one car situation?
	That's not good.
	And, you know, I mean, that's really all I'm going to talk about because things have resolved, you know, and hopefully things are moving better for her.
	Yeah. And Steven is recommitting himself to Chastity.
	So that's cool.
	He's at least committing himself to really big, unpressed shirts.
	Untucked, unpressed shirts.
	Untucked, freshly unfolded.
	They are new.
	These are new, big vans.
	These are very new.
	These things, you can't get enough of them, folks.
	They fell off the back of a truck.
	I'll give you three for one.
	That's a hell of a deal.
	That is quite the deal.
	It's a great deal.
	Legendary columns.
	I wish he would do more of these, but...
	Fortunately, I don't think his relationship with Fox News is as good as it used to be.
	Yeah, unfortunately.
	Our relationship, however, with our listeners is pretty darn good.
	We got two new reviews.
	Whoa! Yeah.
	Hey, nice.
	I think that's saying that we dipped below the three on...
	Oh, someone said I gotta save you?
	Or did it get lower?
	We are officially four.
	Oh, hell yeah.
	Back to four, baby!
	What do we got?
	Uh, this is from The Paint Boy.
	The Paint Boy.
	Paint Boy.
	Five stars.
	Great podcast.
	Oh wow.
	Great, thanks.
	Thank you.
	You could have just said four.
	I feel like five's a little...
	Yeah. Thank you, though.
	They didn't say amazing podcast.
	They said great.
	They said great.
	And they said some other stuff, too.
	Okay. Do you want to hear it?
	Sure, I guess.
	Feel free to adjust.
	You know what?
	Really quick, I just want to...
	I want to forget about all of other reviews.
	Okay. I don't want this review to be my first ever review.
	Okay, I'm starting clean.
	I want to save myself for this moment.
	All right, cover your ears.
	These guys are genuinely funny.
	Steven Crowder is not funny.
	Wow. Thank you.
	And this is interesting.
	Oh, is that the end of the review?
	Yeah, that was it.
	That was a great review.
	The best review I've ever heard.
	Let's see, how about...
	You piece of shit!
	There we go.
	Great, thank you so much.
	Yeah, I guess they also get to be pieces of shit.
	Do we have other insults?
	We can find a new insult from him.
	Oh, I'll work on that.
	Yeah, we got another review from Terry Green Machine.
	Terry Green Machine, like the Green Giant.
	Five stars.
	Actually funny.
	No, I would say allegedly.
	Refreshing show that's quickly becoming one of my favorites.
	The hosts are clever, insightful, and not overly reverent like many in the sphere.
	Okay. That's actually kind of nice.
	Thanks. Right up there with Knowledge Fight in terms of quality.
	Far better than all the pods that use a similar That use a similar-to-knowledge fight format.
	No one does this shit.
	This is just us.
	What? Okay?
	Don't act like someone else does this.
	This is just us.
	Get off the mic.
	You're too loud.
	Thank you so much!
	Thank you so kindly.
	If you ever do this again, out there, and we hear this...
	Run your mouth.
	It's gonna be problems for your podcast.
	I don't know why you guys are...
	We're coming for those asses.
	Alright, well...
	Piece of shit!
	I'm on vacation, uh...
	Hey, hey, hey...
	What? I'm on vacation.
	I don't know these songs.
	Is that my fault?
	Yeah, you're not on the radio, man.
	Yeah, that's true.
	Hey, hey, hey, I'm on vacation?
	Yeah. Na, na, na, na, na, na, yeah.
	I only know this.
	Oh, man, I tell you what.
	This is my life, okay?
	That's the song you wake up to every day.
	Yeah, my alarm clock says that a bunch until I turn it off.
	It just gets louder and louder.
	Stop yelling at me, Fun Dip.
	I snooze and it goes, Oh, I'm fine with that!
	That's all I can handle.
	This week, if you disagree with us, convince us otherwise.
	I'd like to see you try.
	Excuse? Try it.
	Try me.
	No one can convince me otherwise.
	Great. Dennis, while I'm gone, help me write in columns at Shrug.Club.
	Yeah. Is it a blog?
	It is now.
	Okay, cool.
	I'll write a blog about abstinence.
	You should actually write something.
	That'd be kind of nice.
	Shrug.Club.
	Go support us there or just listen to more there for free.
	Yeah, maybe you'll find information about Dr. Pepper.
	You can learn how to double salute.
	With the best of them.
	Double salutes.
	Oh yeah.
	But until I return, my name is Byron.
	I'm Dennis.
	My name...
	similar to your guys' with five letters.
	I have six.
	Dennis has six, yes.
	Five letters, discharge, A-R-E-D.
	Take care.
	You've been listening to an AudioWall original, produced by Byron McCoy.

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