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April 16, 2025 - Louder with Crowder
01:01:02
🔴 SCRAPYARD: JFK Assassination & Jewish Jokes That Should Never Make Air
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Time Text
Welcome, Bongino Army.
Of course, as Dan does his work there at the FBI.
Vince, thank you for sending folks this way.
Vince, which comes from the name Vincente, which actually translates from Latin to the hand that rocks the cradle.
I don't know why you'd name your child the hand that rocks the cradle, but WAPs are a silly people.
Let's enjoy the show.
show.
Glad to be with you.
And today's a little bit different, especially for those of you who are not Rumble Premium members.
You know, we've been doing this quite a while on the Friday show, which was very often only Mug Club, now Rumble Premium members.
Anyway, thinking of the rundown, what are we talking about today?
What's in the news?
You know, it's a live show, weekdays, 11 a.m. Eastern.
But not everything we do here at the Lotto with Crowder Studios...
I don't even have a name for a studio.
Is that what I'm calling it?
That's fine.
Yeah. Not everything makes air.
And by the way, that could be for a multitude of reasons, but all of them good.
It could be it's far too offensive to be on air.
It could be the idea is half-baked.
It could be that we didn't quite think it was ready for prime time.
It could just be because we thought it was really funny the night before, and if we were writing it a couple beers, and the next morning, it didn't even make any sense.
So, today's show...
That seems like an attack.
No, it's on me.
Oh. It's a scrapyard.
See, even the stingers have baked.
Yeah, but that's better than my stinger.
Yeah, and you should know, by the way, we were just talking about Vegas, and Gerald and I were talking about how we didn't really like Vegas, and I mentioned the Bellagio buffet, and then you had your, whatever, quip.
Yeah. And you guys, you all trying out smart ass.
And then I was like, no, no, no, it's actually a good buffet, so you can get unlimited crab.
And I think, did I hear this correctly?
Did noodles sound off and say, I'm allergic to crab?
No. Oh, okay.
No, I said something far more offensive.
Oh, okay.
He said he has crabs.
There's always someone who mentions that.
Which I thought, that's what I thought you meant by Bellagio Buffet.
I thought you meant like one of those bunny ranch type places.
It's Vegas.
It makes sense.
But I thought you were one of those people who's allergic to shellfish who announces it to everybody.
No. I'm not that shellfish.
Someone's like, no, well, if there's shellfish and I'm even in the room, it's like...
We're clearly talking about a place that is several states away.
You're not in any danger.
How about I throw a shrimp at you?
I want to fire noodles now, but I'm not that shellfish.
Oh my god.
I'm glad we didn't hear that.
I'm glad I talked over it, maybe.
You leave the studio right now.
There we go.
That was horrific.
And I tell bad jokes.
Paula Poundstone's understudy?
Gross. You can see her live at the Bellagio.
Right next to the buffet.
I like it when my ladies wear suits.
Now, sure.
So, there we go.
We're just going to get into it.
And you guys can let us know what else you want us to not allow to make air.
Or you know what?
Here, how about this?
Comment below.
What bit was on air in the last month or so that absolutely should not have been?
Let us know.
There you go.
Ah, man, they say that about me every day.
What they say about, don't take it personally.
I do.
The only reason they say it about you is because Noodles doesn't talk that much, so they don't think of him.
But now he's removed all doubt by speaking.
It's going to be the shellfish bit.
So, all right, here's the first one up.
And keep in mind, I don't know, some of these are old, some of these are new, so I don't fully remember what these are.
That's part of the fun.
An Australian homeowner made an unpleasant discovery.
I have no idea what this is.
It's like, could it be a pipe burst?
Could it be AIDS?
We're all on this journey together.
An Australian homeowner made an unpleasant discovery when working in his yard.
Now, if you're a bit yellow-bellied, you might want to look away because a family in Sydney's west found more than 100 red-bellied black snakes in their backyard.
My goodness, let's go live to Liam Tapper in Sydney.
Liam, this is my worst nightmare.
It's your worst nightmare.
That makes two of us.
I am hysterical covering this story this morning.
Stop it.
This family.
A few days ago, they'd seen a few red double websites.
Was that the soundboard or was that in the...
That was in the clip?
That was the clip.
Perfect timing.
Guys, you know I'm tired today, so I can't tell.
Wait, just stop it?
Yes. That was in the clip.
Stop it.
Stop it.
There you go.
That makes two of us.
I am hysterical covering this story this morning.
Stop it.
Oh my god!
I totally triggered that!
Come on, pause, pause.
Move on to soundboard.
You are the luckiest man on earth.
Because your affront to my gut with your shellfish bit will be forgotten.
And superseded with...
It was oddly, like, annoyed, flirtatious, but aggressively aroused.
Those two guys have definitely seen each other.
Yes, they have.
I was like, I'm flirting with you, but I'm your boss.
That's awkward.
Don't mention me crabs.
Alright, let's continue talking about the re-billy.
I like the way they say billy.
So they called in the experts, the reptile recovery team here in Sydney.
Thinking they'd get four red-bellied black snakes out of this pile of rubbish, this mulch pile of sticks.
That's not a snake.
To their surprise, they found five red-bellied black snake female mothers who were pregnant.
Underneath them, 71 baby red-bellied black snakes.
But if you thought that was bad, wait, there's more.
They put those snakes into a bag over the course of about three to five hours.
In that time, those...
Those lovely mothers gave birth.
They welcomed new life into this world.
21 snakes taking the full total to 102 red-bellied black snakes.
Crikey! How would you be seeing that?
Absolutely. My stomach is turning right now.
Me too.
Even talking about it.
Me too.
Whoa. The woman is far and away the most masculine.
I know.
Me too.
Those are the red bellies.
You guys right here.
I'm looking at a couple of yellow bellies.
Yeah, that's how she started if you're a yellow belly.
Yeah, yellow belly.
I'm looking at two fruitcakes.
A little light in the loafers.
Two sprites.
Stop it.
Shut up, fairy.
Hey, everyone better clap.
Everyone say you believe in Gerald or old boy.
Like a seal.
Do you believe in Gerald?
Ah, there's a dead fairy.
So, by the way, I have to say this.
The reason that I remember now why we didn't include this story.
I was like, there is nothing notable about this in Australia.
Yeah, this is like a Tuesday.
Like, they're overselling, like, would you believe there's more than four?
How about five?
Yes, the answer is yes.
If Australia, we would believe any number of deadly animals.
So the red-bellied snake is, in fact, venomous because my notes say so.
But the Australian Museum notes, they are a shy snake and will generally only deliver a serious bite.
Under severe molestation.
I don't like the use of that word.
Haven't you heard about old Billy the snake rapist?
We had to go around saying, hey, now you stop bopping snakes.
That's right.
Yeah, we used to call him the moccasin molester.
That's right.
When he was done with him, we'd call him the water moccasin.
He's all wet.
Moccasin moccasin.
Never mind.
Yeah, go back to your shellfish, mate.
All right.
So the Ashura snake will generally only deliver a serious bite on a civilian mobile station, which is bad news for this guy.
Wow. I remember working on this.
But the thing is, that's all we had for the story.
His snake's talking to the other snake.
That's right.
Well, scrap your head.
They weren't biting him.
No. No, they like it.
Yeah, his technique is he used to try and dangle his bits like a worm.
Did you see how they were dressed?
Yeah, I'll tell you what, that black mum was asking for it.
Look at his scales.
Pretty fascinating to talk to.
Oh, shit.
She looks like an Australian guy.
This is way funnier than we thought it would be.
Yeah, well, look, there's a reason that, because we have to stretch it out, because there's very little with some of these stories.
So the next one is, when we covered the Big Balls story, what's the Big Balls story?
The guy was named Big Balls.
Doge. Oh!
Yeah, the Doge.
Doge, okay, sorry.
Also known as Big Balls.
You guys are used to a lot of people who use, like, prompter, and I just have notes, and I kind of am able to look.
But then, when you're far enough removed from the minister's story that you clearly were so uninterested in that you didn't run it, It doesn't.
Big balls.
Now I remember.
Oh, we put it all in one place for you guys.
Well, my brain was still on the snake rapist.
Yeah. So...
You're like in and out of Australia, too.
Yeah. Well, we covered the big balls story.
Huh? Huh?
Yeah. Big balls.
Tiny snake.
Filmed at 11. Oh, Brian.
For a second, I was trying to do math and see what time that was.
Central. I can't.
I can't.
I can't do it.
Now I don't know what I'm doing.
Now I'm thinking of the British broadcaster.
Yeah. The caricature of a British accent.
So when we covered the Big Balls story originally, we actually came up with an idea for a song to go with it.
Unfortunately, someone else kind of beat us to the punch, and that happens, especially in the era of the internet where...
Sometimes you spend a lot of time crafting out a joke or a series of jokes, and someone will just sort of take a premise, but the premise is used online, and it can be half-baked, like, ah, we don't want to be seen as copying it.
So sometimes it happens.
And unlike your Colbert's or your Kimmel's, we just try and avoid repeating it.
So here is what we cut regarding Big Balls that day.
He's got big balls!
Oh, such big balls!
Truly big balls!
Big balls!
Biggest of big balls!
Come back, big balls!
We need you, big balls!
Cause he's got the biggest balls of them all!
Who among us doesn't feel better about big balls?
That kid is a legend.
The funny thing is, the only person who you know does not feel better about big balls is Rachel Maddow.
That's true.
Doesn't matter to her at all.
It doesn't like any balls.
I reckon that woman's a dog.
Maybe. Oh, I think she loves the ladies in the ladies' love.
She's straighter than that Australian guy.
Yeah, she would beat the guys.
She would, yeah.
Stop it.
Shut up.
I will come through that prompter.
I've never seen a super gay Australian.
You think of them as rugged and masculine.
Oh, yeah.
It's very effeminate.
It's kind of funny.
Yeah, but then they have thunder from down under.
What? Yeah, but that's for women usually, isn't it?
Supposedly. I've been to one.
What? Well, when you were there, it was gay.
What the hell are we talking about?
When you're not there, it's heterosexual.
You don't know Thunder from Down Under?
No, and I don't know that I want to now that I'm the context.
It's the world's most premier male review.
Yes. Wait a minute.
Yeah. That doesn't sound right.
No, no.
It's a review.
It makes it sound a lot more sophisticated than it is.
Yeah. Okay.
The lead-in is a little one-act about Watergate.
He's not wrong?
I don't know that we want to see...
No! Hey!
Hey! Hey!
That might fly with those...
Look at those muscles!
That might fly with those kiwis.
A couple of hopscotches over.
Not over here.
We're a penal colony.
Step aside, Chippendale.
Penale. Where's 154 red bellies when you need them?
He had a flat belly.
A ribbed belly.
I'll bet you he's had work done.
Yeah? He has?
So, we came up with a New Year's theme 7 plus 1 to kick off 2025.
I don't know why we kept having to push it off for one reason or another until it was no longer New Year's.
Kind of like saying Happy New Year's.
You don't know when it sort of crosses over, but if you're in February, you're like, okay, I don't really...
I'm not going to say it anymore.
But that's what Scrapyard shows are for, which brings us to...
You have a stinger, right?
Yeah. Which brings us to this year's 7 plus 1. So this is 7 plus 1 New Year's,
well, leftist New Year's resolutions.
In April.
There we go.
In April.
In April.
There you go.
All right.
And some of these have Photoshop's.
Josh, Mr. Firestein, take number 7. Rachel Maddow is going to finally grow her hair out.
Oh! Well, that's...
Hey! Hey!
It's Doik Dynasty!
Nice. It's Nurse Strange.
Duke Dynasty.
That's great.
It took me a second.
I thought he said Duck Dynasty, and I'm like, okay.
Switch the letter.
The 7 plus 1 leftist New Year's resolutions.
Gerald, number 6. The young Turks will accept that they are, in fact, the old Turks.
Ah, long in the tooth.
Number five.
Ariana Grande is going to get her goal weight of zero.
Oh, I would have thought for sure we'd have a photo shot.
I know, of like anorexic Ariana Grande.
Oh, I want to do number four.
Seven plus one, leftist New Year's resolutions.
Number four, James Carville is going to finally release his new cookbook.
I was just about to do Australian.
Hold on, let me read it.
No, no, no, no.
Shake it off, shake it off.
Shake it off.
All right.
James Carville is going to finally release his new cookbook, Recipes from the Swamp!
I don't even know if that's a Photoshop or just a...
No, it's not.
It just looks real.
Or just from his album.
Everything calls for a half cup of mud.
Oh, no.
Oh, half cup of mud in there.
A mud in there.
That's the best part.
Gotta get dirty up to get stuck in your gums.
That's right.
You do some of the bog mud.
That's kind of like a mayonnaise on my...
Bog Swamp Sandwich.
Yeah, we call that a Bayou Dijon!
I hate that food.
Really? So bad.
I like Cajun food.
No. You don't like crawfish etouffee?
There is nothing about crawfish etouffee.
Data strips?
Or anything else.
Yes, I love too much paprika.
Oh, come on now.
Come on.
You're denigrating an entire region of people.
Sure. We should have never bought it.
All right.
Number three, seven plus one New Year's resolutions, Firestein.
Oprah is going to go to the gym every day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
She's going to go to Jimmy John's every day.
What? I thought she was going to get physically fit.
No. The worst part about Oprah, do you guys remember in the 90s, it was an epidemic of her always, she was dispensing some kind of diet or health advice.
It's like, yeah, yeah, I'm sure it works for you.
We'll wait a couple weeks.
Yes. There's a surefire way to lose weight and then gain it back.
Yeah. She always had a new Surefire Way, which was confusing.
Because she did.
If you have a Surefire Way, you don't need another one.
She did lose a lot of weight a lot of times.
Well, that's when she was on the Gayle King diet.
Oh, just eat and snatch.
Oh. That's a high-calorie diet.
Sorry, they're just pals.
Yeah, exactly.
No, no, no.
Stedman knows how to love a long time.
I'm on the carpet diet.
Call me Stanley Steamer.
Eating text oils.
They don't do that.
Alright, number two, leftist New Year's resolutions.
Kamala Harris is going to stop drinking before noon.
That's more of a fact.
We don't know if that ever went through.
And number one, Geraldine, number one leftist New Year's resolution.
Disneyland is actually adding a new part called DEI Kingdom.
Sorry. Don't get eaten by Gator.
And the plus one is actually seven plus one New Year's resolutions.
Brian Stelter is going to try, but then he's going to, and I know usually you'd play us out, but we have a bunch of others too, because this is one.
By the way, you know what?
It's not really fair.
Brian Stelter is not as big as you think.
That's a shellfish reaction.
Oh, come on.
It's puffy.
We had some additional leftist...
Oh, I thought you were like, I was a dig at noodles.
I thought you were saying like shellfish, like he's hogging that sandwich.
No, no, no.
I was saying it was a shellfish reaction because, you know...
Oh, I see.
It's a scrapyard.
It doesn't have to be great.
Fine. So these are the New Year's resolutions.
We can go through them.
First of all, Josh, what is it?
It's... Whoopi Goldberg is going to finally get tested for lice.
What? I don't have lice, child!
Jeez. Yeah, still just act like there's no bad evidence.
No, don't shoot the lice.
And another way, Joe Biden is going to transition from diapers to pull-ups.
Good for him.
Making progress.
I'm a big boy now.
Craps his pants.
One of my favorite moments of all time was his rage at Donald Trump.
It was like the rage.
He forgot about the rage.
Yeah, exactly.
I know.
It's like Harrison Ford presidential kick him off your plane rage.
Yes, exactly.
Get out of my pull-up.
Now, Gerald, the next one.
Oh, yeah, this one with his upcoming tie-off.
Yeah, with his upcoming tie-off, Pete Buttigieg will have another butt baby.
Oh, that's nice for the nobody.
Child who's going through mental abuse right now.
Proper term is toilet baby now.
Oh, yeah.
Another one, Brian Seltzer will make over his man cave.
And now he's going to have a Photoshop, which is clearly gay.
Because his man cave is gay.
What was the next one, Josh?
I don't even know why.
There's two of them.
Can I choose one?
Choose one, yeah.
AOC is going to finally learn how to make a Jack and Coke.
Oh, it involves dancing.
Hopefully. That's the only way I would, you know, Jack and Coke.
So another one is, oh, Hillary Clinton is going to stop murdering people.
Unlikely. Unlikely.
This one doesn't even make sense.
Gavin Newsom's going to stop playing with matches.
Oh, because they were fires.
Oh! At the time, this was hot.
This was hot stuff.
This was hot off the press.
This was extra, extra.
No one should read all about it.
Chuck Schumer's gonna take barbecue classes.
Thanks for stealing the phone.
I did, yeah, absolutely, because you were pausing.
That one's good because of the cheese.
He put the cheese on the burger on the grill.
This one I want to explain.
A joke is always best when it needs explaining.
This one was written about someone in Congress who I don't know who they are, but their name sounds like a baseball player, so it's confusing.
David Ortiz is gonna stop skipping leg day.
I think that's a crippled guy.
I think that's a wheelchair guy.
Shows how much we care.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I don't know.
He could be.
Let's say he is.
Makes it funnier.
Makes it passable.
Michelle Obama.
These are leftist New Year's resolutions.
Michelle Obama will finally work on her traps.
Just kidding.
It's her strong suit.
She doesn't need any trap work.
It's always trap day.
This one's really messed up.
I'm trying to remember.
Yeah, when we wrote this, it was after.
Okay, you'll understand why.
It was already after.
Go ahead and read it, Josh.
Jimmy Carter will be taking some time off.
He was dead!
Well, so will Val Kilmer.
Yikes, Gerald.
Well, I mean, read The Room.
I'm a fan, and it's sad.
It is sad because he's under 95. Uh-huh, yeah.
You're all torn up about it.
Yeah, you're a real maverick.
Sure. Okay, I'm just going to rattle through these.
I'm a saint.
What are you talking about?
One of them is Joy Behar will finally find out what smell is.
Bang. Jay-Z is going to sleep with fewer minors.
Diddy's going to throw less parties.
Elliot Page is seriously thinking about transitioning into something.
Justin Trudeau will be getting back with the gang for a new minstrel show tour.
That one could have been good with a Photoshop.
Alec Baldwin is applying for his concealed carry permit.
Yeah, I'd be worried.
Forgive me if I think he's a little rusty.
Shut up, shellfish!
Damn! You started this.
You did.
You started this, and I was trying to make it so you didn't feel like you were alone in it, and then you made me feel like I was alone in it.
Piece of shit.
Tim Walls is going to try and get that head coaching job.
Good for him.
Is that a football thing or is that a sexual thing?
I don't know.
I don't understand the next one at all.
Tom Hanks is going to make more time for Greece.
What? Because he's a Greek citizen because he's an accused pedophile.
Huh. You can be a pedophile in Greece.
It's a whole thing that's...
I didn't write it.
This next one doesn't work anymore.
Harry Sisson is going to have to find a new sugar daddy.
But now we know he's not gay.
Yeah, well...
We can hope.
Let's just do the last one because we don't need the rest.
The last one, Josh.
Stephen Colbert is going to try comedy.
Oh, hey!
There you go.
That's a novel idea.
This has been the Way Too Long This Year 7 Plus 1. I want to vindicate Josh.
David Ortiz is a wheelchair guy.
Now it's funny again.
No, wait.
Hey, alley-oop me.
Alley-oop me.
Boom! You guys hear the donk?
Yeah. Oh, I missed mine.
And you missed a second one.
We need a black guy in here.
So... I've been saying that for a while.
I know, but for different reasons.
That's when you came back from Thunder Down Under.
You were just...
That's his review.
He's used to a certain, you know...
I prefer Thunder from Deep South.
Yes. That's because you got them swamp boys.
They're swamp ass!
They used to call me Swamp Thing!
James Carville is a member of Thunder Down Under?
Gross. We're presenting now, coming up to the stage, Swamp Thing!
Get it now!
Get it!
Get it!
Shake your Swamp Thing!
Come on!
Fiddle with it!
Go on like it's a gator strip now!
Nah? Nah?
That's so stupid.
That's James Carville's Gatorboppers!
Carville and the Gatorboppers!
Etouffee and naked people!
That's right, that's some old Carville Caramel!
What? You're gross!
Oh, James Carville and the Gumbo Girl!
I'm horny!
Alright, so...
You might remember a few weeks back when this European member of Parliament, Raphael Glucksmann, far-left Frenchman, demanded that Americans return the Statue of Liberty to France.
Here's a refresher.
Et nous allons dire aux Américains qui ont choisi de basculer du côté des tyrans, aux Américains qui virent les chercheurs pour avoir ces preuves de liberté scientifique,
d'abord, rendez-nous la statue de la liberté.
On vous en a fait cadeau, on vous en a fait cadeau, mais apparemment on vous l'a méprisé.
As a man who speaks French, I still do readily admit that there's no way for it to not sound gay.
That's true.
I can't even do it.
American? Well, it sounds very different from French-Canadian.
Like, okay, I'll give it to you.
Without even speaking French, see if you can hear the difference.
Like, French-Canadian is redneck, and French from France is, like, please get me a penis.
So, like, French-Canadian would be like, ah, si carliste, j'allais au camping, pis j'ai claqué mon windshield.
Right? It doesn't sound pretty...
Si je suis parisien, j'aime sucer le penis.
I got the last part.
I heard penis.
Donc, un petit peu...
J'aime mieux le penis.
I feel like you have to do that thing with your mouth.
But you make it look like a butt hole.
Sure, because it's what I do when I look "Tunder Down Under".
Back that up over here.
So, we came up with a bunch of different bits of the Statue of Liberty thing, giving it back before we ended up landing on, and you saw these photoshops, Gluckman's backup offer.
Oh, that's right.
A historic show where we take it for, I think it was 40 cases of French wine.
Nude Beaches.
Nude Beaches and half of Gerard Depardieu.
I don't know why we went with half of Gerard Depardieu.
Because it's funny.
Leave that to me.
I don't know.
It's funnier.
Yeah, it is funnier.
It is funny.
That's not even the first iteration of half of Gerard Depardieu.
We saw it and we're like, that's wrong.
Yeah, we were like, no, we need just the top half.
Yeah. And we need it to be a little bloody and he's got to be smiling.
Yes. And then we also had another Photoshop as to what Donald Trump was going to use the cash for after pawning the Statue of Liberty.
And then it was using, yeah, Teslas.
Yeah. Skis.
Didn't we end up using that somewhere else?
No, we did.
We did use it.
Oh, okay.
We did use it.
What you didn't see was our first idea, which was President Trump proposed giving it up and replacing it with a statue of RFK.
Actually, no, it kind of...
Yeah. I kind of don't mind it.
I forgot.
I think we did it and then someone was like, why does he have a zin?
I'm like, don't you know he had a zin at the hearing, at the confirmation?
I'm like, ah, I guess if you don't...
You gotta cut it.
Just cut it.
Yeah, you gotta cut it.
I thought that was pretty funny.
I think you would.
For 71, he looks pretty jacked.
Yeah. Which is exactly what you can expect if you get the jacked up fitness power rack.
Yeah. The pro.
Actually, right now.
I think they're out of, or right now, temporarily out of the Evolution because so many of you went and purchased it.
I know they're adding more stock to it, but the jacked-up Power Rack Pro is the best.
It's the top of the line where you'll never need to upgrade anything.
The pulley system is incredible.
We have one here at the office, Jim.
It's what we largely use.
It comes with a full set of their branded bumper plates.
And by the way, that means they're all the same diameter, which makes it quite convenient, for example, if you have to deadlift and you don't want to have to do a deficit.
They have a fully adjustable incline-decline bench, which comes with it.
And they also, by the way, have some daily video workouts.
Oh, yeah.
We don't necessarily need this, but if you're new and you're getting started, they're very helpful.
You just hit play and you can go watch their videos.
So use the promo code CROWDER, save 10% off your entire purchase, and go to getjackedup.com.
What does it say?
Someone tried to thought this was cute.
It says gravelly voice not included.
That's not good, guys.
Are they giving us jokes?
That's no good.
Maybe. Gravelly voice not included.
Is it just me?
And I have this written twice, the commercial in front of me.
All right.
RFK, let's go JFK.
Okay. Help me out here.
I don't think we should do the gunshots.
Hey, Billy saved it, Gerald.
Yeah, exactly.
Just make sure that if we're talking JFK, the gunshot, there's a ricochet sound of a second shooter.
I'm trying to remember where this is going because I'm like, how tasteless is this going to be?
Every time I do this, I'm always a little worried because it's either something like, okay, shouldn't have made air, or it's something that we absolutely did not want the public to see.
And when I'm thinking JFK and what's been surrounding it, I'm like, this could go sideways.
Are we going to be like, it was the Jews!
Yeah, well, I mean, we're obviously all starting from that premise.
So, are there a lot of, I don't know.
There was a rabbi on the grassy knoll.
So, just look.
We'll go back in time.
Okay? Get a scrapyard.
Recently, President Trump appeared at the Kennedy Center and announced the release of the JFK files.
We are tomorrow announcing and giving all of the Kennedy files.
So people have been waiting for decades for this.
I don't believe we're going to redact anything.
I said, just don't redact.
You can't redact.
Have you seen what's in the files?
Have you read them?
I've heard about them.
It's going to be very interesting.
It's many pages.
Is it 80,000 pages?
Approximately 80,000 pages.
It's a lot of stuff.
And you'll make your own determination.
My prediction?
It was murder.
So we had some other material here this day, which was that rumblings...
Oh, okay.
I remember this.
Yeah. I don't like it.
Rumblings are it was really Ted Cruz's dad all along.
Uh-oh.
And it was take your kid to work day.
And Alex Jones was right all along.
And I think this is because that was not Dealey Plaza at all.
No, that's what it was.
We're like, what?
It's like a fence and a road.
You'll never see it coming.
Little Ted Cruz with big Ted Cruz head and a lollipop.
That is fun.
It saves it a little.
That is fun, but for some reason we thought the historical accuracy as to the location was the rate-limiting factor.
In this.
We had other jokes.
We had other ones.
No, that works.
That works out pretty well.
By the way, I thought it was hilarious that all this did, he's like, ah, it's pretty eye-opening.
All this did was make people go, the Jews killed Kennedy!
Because they're like, oh, the CIA redacted the Israel stuff and all the Jews stuff.
But they didn't!
That's the funny thing, they didn't, because people were like, they redacted, like, you're reading Israel right here!
No, I know, exactly.
We talked about that, but when he said that, now that I know, like, in hindsight, I'm like...
Either he knew exactly what he was doing or he had no idea what he was doing there.
Right. Hey, I had a question.
Do you have some of the BTS slots in there at all?
Because I don't know.
No? I think I could get them, yeah.
Okay. If you want to grab a couple, we can combine that here with the scrapyard.
Here's the other story that we had covered.
Guys, did I miss anything?
Anyone want to?
No. Just me.
I think you're good.
Hey, well, hold on.
One quick question.
Oh, yeah?
Did you see on the Statue of Liberty how they said that that was actually a satanic?
Who did?
Somebody was on Joe Rogan's show.
He said it was actually a statue of Satan.
Can you pull up the side-by-side for that?
The Statue of Liberty and Satan?
They're saying that it was like an ancient...
It looks exactly like Satan because it's a far too masculine-looking woman.
I did always think it was a pretty manly-looking woman.
It is a little manly.
I'll give you that.
This person has a shackle on their ankle just like this satanic statue did.
That right there.
Oh my god!
So, what's really interesting, do me a favor, find the painting of Lucifer and get the full painting, because when you look at it like that, you're like, wow, that looks pretty similar.
No, both arms are up in that painting.
Exactly. In the painting, both arms are up, the legs are spread, kind of like staggered, like they're taking a stance or something like that, I can't remember.
But this made the rounds when everybody saw it, like, I can't believe it, and this guy's like, look, it's Lucifer!
It's a Statue of Liberty.
And it's the French.
It's a statue and it's a picture.
We don't actually know what Lucifer looks like.
That's true.
But if they're saying, hey, this is Lucifer.
I mean, the Koreans think that Jesus is ripped and has slanted eyes.
Yes, I know.
I mean, I believe he's ripped, but I think he had eyes wide open.
He used the jacked up fitness.
Yes, he did.
What do you think he went away for three days to do, Josh?
Yeah. He wanted to get in shape, get ripped, come back.
Yeah, he needed three days of recovery.
There you go.
Get that pump on.
Celebrate Easter with a jacked up...
Oh, God.
Jacked up Jesus.
Jacked up evolution.
Resurrect yourself.
From the three days of being a pussy.
One guess why Gerald wanted to pull this painting.
I didn't know that.
Wow, Gerald.
You begged us.
No one brought this up.
Gerald wanted it.
I didn't realize that.
Am I the only one, though, who does recognize that, hey, whoever did a very respectable job on Lucifer's wheels.
Nice quads.
Yeah, that's some good legs.
Yeah, he can move.
Satan never skips leg day.
No, he definitely does not.
Same thing with the statue of David.
You know, it's funny.
Tiny penis, everything else.
Aside from the tiny penis.
But you look at the...
Which, by the way, I don't know why you have a problem with it.
No, it's hilarious that all the old...
It looks pretty big to me.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Okay, sure.
What are you, Chinese?
Yeah, okay, humble brag.
Jeez. Tall, handsome, and gifted.
You'd have to use a banana leaf on me.
A fig leaf won't cover it.
It's funny to me, because I'll talk about the differing, sort of changing standards of beauty in women.
And that's kind of true.
Not for men.
Even back then, it's like, oh yeah, for a very handsome man, you have to be jacked and ripped, which is very difficult to attain.
Can you bring up that statue, the famous David statue?
And you know, the one thing that you do notice, though, for sure, because you had a lot of athletes back then, when you're even going back to Greece, but you did have a lot of athletes, the original Olympians, they're jacked and they're ripped, but here's the primary difference that you notice, and this is kind of developed with the modern advent of weightlifting,
because they would lift up boulders, they'd lift up other people.
Very practical.
But there really was no horizontal, like a bench press.
So they typically always have pretty big legs.
And even for today, like, okay, a guy has big legs, pretty big shoulders, wiry arms, but they don't have the pecs.
The pecs kind of have to be artificially created.
You have to kind of position yourself horizontally.
Nowhere do you really do that naturally.
Yeah. You can do push-ups, I guess, but that's it.
It wouldn't get you, you know, like the Arnold pecs.
Like, it requires a lot of work.
But yeah, if we bring up the Statue of David.
Yeah, see?
Sunui, legs, and then if you look at the other soldiers back then, you're like, okay, but they never had big pecks.
Good set of nuts on that guy.
Big set of nuts.
Yeah, it's bigger than his penis.
Look at that.
That's normal, Gerald.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm just saying.
It's not weird.
Your nuts are supposed to be larger than your pecker.
It's nature's bench rest.
Yes. I can't say anything else on that.
So! A little while ago, we covered a Senate hearing where Rabbi Levi Shemtov raised the issue not only of anti-Semitism on campus, but he said it's not enough to not be anti-Semitic.
You have to be anti-Semitic.
Here's a refresher.
Anti-Semitism is not just an age-old prejudice.
It is a contemporary crisis manifesting on campuses across the nation.
It is not enough for individuals or institutions to merely claim they are not anti-Semitic.
As my father once taught me, it is not enough for people, especially public figures, to be neutral or not be anti-Semitic.
One must be anti-anti-Semitic.
We must demand the same of our universities and government institutions.
This hearing, in my opinion, is an attempt to be just that.
Anti-anti-Semitic.
I want to play that again.
It still makes me kind of angry.
I didn't notice before in the background, if you look, it kind of looks like the Orthodox Mafia, like the one guy.
Yeah, yeah.
But then if you look the back and watch this clip to his right, our left, it looks like that guy is constantly looking toward the door for like an active shooter scenario.
Watch. Anti-Semitism is not just an age-old prejudice.
What's that?
It's a contemporary crisis manifesting on campuses across the nation.
It is not enough for individuals or institutions to merely claim they are not anti-Semitic.
Whoa, whoa, those things are crossing a little bit.
People, especially public figures, to be neutral or not be anti-Semitic.
One must be anti-Semitic.
We must demand the same.
He keeps looking over.
He's looking at that Jewish guy.
He doesn't trust him.
Look, he keeps looking.
He keeps looking.
I wonder if there's a rabbi off camera with like a rattle.
Hey. What?
Hey! It's just weird.
The dreidel.
Hey! So, Rabbi, you can't say anti-anti-Semitic.
We, of course, asked what this rabbi wanted us to do to make our colleges more pro-Jew with this Photoshop.
Yeah. That's right.
Jew! Yeah.
What we didn't air was...
I never wore that shirt.
And the reason...
Scrapyard! By the way, just so you know, we are shielded from any and all legal liability.
Or offense that may be caused because it's Scrapyard.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, we didn't mean for this to happen.
We didn't actually air it.
Yeah. We talked about how we didn't air it.
Exactly. Right.
And referenced it.
It's completely different.
That is true.
Yeah. It's like saying the N-word in a rap song.
Yes. It's exactly like that.
What we didn't air was the other part of this bit.
So, to help with the cause, some campuses...
Alright, I'll go back as though in the present time.
To help with the cause, some campuses are offering free star of David armbands so that everyone knows who to be nice to.
Yeah, we needed the band.
The everything else wasn't enough.
The face that says, I make the bagels, wasn't enough.
That's a reference to the Dunkin' Donuts guy, right?
I make the donuts.
What happened to that guy?
He's probably dead.
The face that said, I could set your jewelry.
Yes, exactly.
Hey, come see me in the Diamond District.
Why do they all sound like that, by the way?
That rabbi had that accent.
He's from Reno.
Yeah, I don't know.
I really don't know.
He's probably from New York.
This is a new watch.
And I always say, you know, I know what you're saying.
Is this watch battery-powered?
Is it solar-powered?
No, it's me-powered.
What do you got there?
Blues Clues?
No, no, no.
Timex? What do you got there?
Peppa Pig.
It's clock.
Yes. The one thing, though, with these watches, and I do like it, is the calendar always goes to 31. So you always have to reset it, like, on the first of the month.
Wait, you said you do like it?
No, I don't like it.
Oh, you don't.
I was about to say, yeah.
Why don't you take what I say and then pervert it?
No, I thought you said do.
I didn't say do.
Well, I mean, I just wasn't paying attention.
You didn't hear me say, I like it.
You heard me say, I don't like it.
Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
I heard you say that.
Why do you have to turn to him who sold me out over the crab being a crab and not a lobster and Little Mermaid?
You know that what you just said.
Why are you bringing this back up?
I'm bringing it back up because you're not a man of truth.
Actually, we don't even remember that.
Yeah. I think he's making it up.
That's made up.
Uh-oh.
Noodle's belly too, and I think Gerald's dropping acid again.
I didn't wash the Little Mermaid.
I'm not woke enough.
Nope. No.
I'm just saying you sold me out last time, and I haven't forgotten.
You know, you are vindictive for a big man.
I remember.
You are a very small person.
I remember.
Shut up.
You are petty and small-minded.
Thank you.
For such a large Aryan.
We're just talking about stand-up bits that you've had to scrap.
Yes. Do you have some that stick out?
There are some that I find funny.
Either I didn't get the point across right, or I didn't get the wording across right, but the audience didn't receive them as well as I'd hoped.
Okay. Like I did this one bit.
I've always had a fantasy of having sex with a deaf girl.
Deaf? Yeah.
Okay. Just so that she could sign her safe word.
Okay. It doesn't work?
No, and then I would, not really, a couple guys would laugh, but then I would turn around and go like, like that, and go, I'm surprised that didn't work.
I think it's the voice.
I think that's the part.
Oh. Because then I go, I don't know what that means.
Speak English, bitch.
Maybe if you add it, be like, well, the problem is after sleeping with, if you do that and tag it with the problem is after sleeping with multiple deaf women, turns out they all have the same safe word and sign.
It's... No!
How many ways can you sign stop?
I am surprised that didn't work.
I had a bit like that about Charlie Brown shooting up the school.
When I was young.
Really? That's very similar.
No, I'm just saying it was tough to make work because I had him holding Linus hostage and making him cuddle his blankie and saying his last words.
It was one of those things that was early on where it was too dark and I didn't know how to transition it into something funny.
I did have some things that I would have to...
So I had to scrap...
I had a bit about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the piece of crap grandfather who was a cripple until he knew he could get some free chocolate because...
John Mulaney ended up doing something very similar.
I was like, well, then people think that I lifted it.
Same thing I stopped doing.
Well, I kind of stopped doing the one bit that I did about Donald Trump at debates because Shane Gillis, and his is very funny, he did it even though after, like mine goes back to 2015, you can see a YouTube installment.
He did it on a special.
Yeah, he did it on a special.
You just don't want to feel like you run into the same territory.
Yeah. But, you know, I don't.
Yeah. Even any other bits that you scrapped, Josh?
Yeah, lots of...
I was going to say something, and then you went into the Shane Gillis thing.
Oh, it was a joke that I did.
It was exactly the same as somebody else's.
And I didn't want to keep doing it because I felt like I was lifting it.
I read Jim Gaffigan's book.
I read part of it.
And I actually stopped reading the book when I read the joke that I used to tell on stage, and it was right after my wife and I had our first baby.
And that's what I'd say.
I said, my wife and I just had our first baby.
It was delicious.
Okay. But that's what was in his book.
Word for word, that.
And then another time I had done that was, it's not the exact same joke, but it's the same style, and I feel like he owns it.
But Mitch Hedberg has a joke where he goes, I used to do drugs.
I still do drugs, but I used to, too.
And everyone knows that joke.
Every comic knows that joke.
And one time I was telling a story about my brother, and he has Down syndrome, and I said...
Right, okay.
Okay, Charlie Brown.
I said the words wrong.
I meant to say something like, growing up, my brother had Down syndrome, and then go into the story, but I said, when I was a kid, my brother had Down syndrome, and then, oh, he still does, but immediately I was like, oh, you friggin' hack.
No, but that was just like a word whisker.
That's funny.
A word whisker?
Well, I just mean, it's like, you know, you're...
It tickles you?
Well, no, you said it.
Well, did you write it or did you set it on the spot, you mean?
I set it on the spot.
Yeah, I think that's funny.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to do it again.
I mean, unless he's the first, like, he'd be a miracle of modern medicine if he just, like, woke up one day and came out looking like Jude Law.
You donated a chromosome.
What'd you do?
You just, you run some...
You've been doing that Instagram.
It's the other way around.
Down syndrome has an extra chromosome.
So it's like if they could surgically remove one and then his eyes would go back to normal, that would be incredible.
Here's another bit too about my brother.
See, there's a lot of bits about my brother I don't tell on stage because I'm like, there's no way.
I do a great impression of my brother, but I'm not going to do it because people are going to be so offended.
Why? He's your brother.
Don't let them take that from you.
Yeah, the voice feels like a little too much.
Really? Sometimes, yeah.
I'm not going to force anything you're uncomfortable with, but I want to see this.
I'm not going to do it.
No, I'm not going to do it.
Do it.
It's the live scrapping.
I told you!
I told you!
You ought to watch Nicky Foo in the house!
I don't even know him, but I feel like I'm there.
Yeah. I used to sleep eat.
What? Sleepy?
Sleepy? Yeah, I would get up in the middle of the night and eat food.
I didn't realize that it was me doing it until I was in the army, and I got caught by my platoon sergeant.
While he was sleeping, I was butt naked.
I slept naked.
We're in Afghanistan.
Whatever. I sleep naked always.
It's the only way to sleep.
Butt naked in front of him, eating the Oreos that his wife had just sent him.
No. I ate the whole container.
He said, I don't want to wake you up because, I mean, I could take you.
But sleep, you're not supposed to wake up with sleepwalking.
No, no, no, no.
Plus you're naked.
So I basically just right in front of him was eating the Oreos that his wife had sent.
And that's when I discovered that another guy was like, oh yeah, I saw you eating in your sleep the other month or whatever.
And so I was like, oh, have I been doing this my whole life?
And then it just had like a revelation in my head, like all the times in my life where I've been sleep eating and it got blamed on my brother.
Because he had down syndrome.
And so like my dad would find like cereal bowls with like just a little bit of milk in the bowl.
Hidden under the bathroom sink?
Yeah, of course you'd blame him.
And so that's my brother.
My brother will hang on to him for the rest of his life.
See, I told you!
You are the one sneaky fool in the house!
See, I don't even promise.
He's okay with it now.
I may have done since, but I'm not a monster.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm the monster just letting him take the blame for this.
Oh man, that's like a nightmare where you're screaming and nothing comes out.
Where he knows he's right and no one believes him.
It's not because he's actually doing it!
I've heard of that, and it is surprising, because I get night terrors, and it is surprising, but it's not as surprising as, for example, it would be really crazy if you woke up in the middle of the night, people found you sleep dieting.
Sleep dieting?
I wish I was.
Keeping a food journal.
I wish I had sleep bulimia.
Sleeper side.
And they blame it on your brother.
Ah! Ah, you puked in your brother's bed again!
No! Well, I'm just going to say that you did because it's easier for me to blame this on you than it is for me to get to the bottom of it.
You know what?
Hey, maybe.
Let me get in the short end of the stick, but this is part and parcel of being retarded.
We actually do have, I believe, yeah, we have some behind the scenes.
So for some people, this is the first time you're seeing this.
Well, not the show, but the first time you're seeing one of these segments behind the scenes.
BTS, the kids call it.
It's also a Korean band.
I believe.
It's a K-pop band.
Yeah, it stands for Big Trans Sex.
Okay. Alright, let's go with that.
I was going to say I can't tell the women from the men with the K-pop band, so I don't even know.
I don't know if it's supposed to be their equivalent to Spice Girls or NSYNC.
It's all the same to me.
That's why I like the United States of America, where the men are still men and the women...
All right, Korea, you got us on that one.
BTS, do you want to see how the sausage is made?
Here you go.
Okay, and action.
My name is Crowder, Commander.
I thought it was Carter Leder.
So sketches, a lot more goes into them than it might seem.
It's way more involved than I thought it would be.
It starts off with the writers.
I do write sketches that screw with people, personally.
Like Gerald.
Wardrobe, props.
I mean, I freaked out when I got here and I saw the production level.
I mean, just the wardrobe.
I've done shows at NBC and ABC.
They don't have that much wardrobe.
Visual effects.
I didn't realize what everyone here was capable of.
And so I was writing things, like, oh, we can't do that.
Can't do that.
And then Johnny Boyd would be like, why not?
I'm like, oh, because, well, I mean, it's got these multiple shots, and it's part of a movie.
It's a parody, and we've got to bring this.
And he's like, that's not for us to figure out.
Okay, we'll see if that gets made.
And then, sure enough, it's amazing.
I'm like, what?
There's so much that goes into a 20, 30-second clip on here.
Wow. At it!
It's your friend Colonel Slanders again!
We've done so many good things here.
What was the one where he was my psychiatrist?
Sinead O'Connor, who I couldn't help but picture in the back of my mind as the many f*** that Nick DiPaolo saw in my Rorschach test.
I'm sorry.
See you again in two months?
I like to bat monies a lot.
That's fun because I get to be...
I get to be a little wild.
And Josh?
Killer. Killer.
We're going to lose everything.
We're going to lose our country.
We're going to lose it.
I'm losing my mind here.
I just...
Take a lot of hits.
I do take a lot of hits.
I do a lot of falls.
I think physical comedy is funny.
Billy the Magician is probably my favorite in recent years.
I love getting to watch Josh get smashed over the head with a bottle.
And that magician's sleazy laugh.
And the best part is we've got to order those bottles.
We have a lot of stuff we do for each of those.
So every time we do that bid, it's about a $30 bid, at least.
Oh, the other thing is crowded with his impressions.
I know we did a few boys.
Back in the day, someone like Kamala Harris would say, I did sesame seed bun and french fries.
But now you have Donald Trump going like, Oh, she loves french fries.
She can't get enough of them.
She just does the machine, I guess.
French fries, onion rings.
Popeyes! I can't believe how talented he is, and I'm not just kissing his ass, because it's way too hairy to sweat.
I'm November 5th.
Don't interrupt, Macho Man.
November 5th, the choice is clear.
You want to have the Don or want to crush it right there.
I could just toss anything at Stephen, and he will just run with it with an impression.
CEOs financially armed to the teeth.
I'm doing a Brando thing, and they replaced me with Josh, who was doing a way better brand.
That was the best one yet.
I'm out of here.
You talking to me?
Oh, and I gotta say this.
The Nick Dipp, press secretary.
He also was the first guy to go see the midget.
Nick has no idea what he's getting himself into.
He just goes in there, they roll clips, and he rips.
And that's amazing to watch.
The view.
I love the view.
It's like a horse view.
We literally just find clips of people asking questions and then let Nick answer.
And it's so funny.
Don Lemon has to walk around in a gay nightclub with assless chaps.
He does that one take.
The 20 questions, 20 answers, one take, and then he's out of there.
And I'm like, dude, what a pro.
I can't believe I didn't do that.
Yeah, dead silence.
Just what I thought.
There's not another place in the industry where you could just change your role or say, hey, I want to try...
Mixing the show today, or I went over an audio, or, you know, you get to contribute, you get to be on cam.
I can't imagine writing for a show.
It was never really the goal for me to be a writer.
It's a dream I didn't know I had come true.
Three, two, and...
There are a lot of times, especially when it comes to advertisements, that we're finding we're shooting for a new sponsor or something the day before it's going to run.
So we'll shoot it early in the afternoon and we'll end up turning a spot for the next morning.
Don't let the IRS take advantage of you.
When it comes to the sketches of the show, I don't think people understand...
How much work goes into producing them?
We'll get the kneels separately.
We'll run through those.
I've learned a whole lot about what goes on behind the scenes over the last, really call it three, three and a half years.
Look at that.
Look, get it.
Get it.
There's definitely...
Yes, we can sell that.
The lighting, the boom, the costumes, the makeup, you name it.
And it's one of those things where you watch everybody sort of do their part and when everyone does it right, it comes together and it's an awesome thing.
Everything from the keying, the compositing, the sound design.
Stream! Stream!
Stream! Stream!
These are things that typically teams of people would take months and months to achieve, and we do it in record time with a skeleton crew, and it's because they're all rock stars.
Make way for the Emperor.
We're trying to do all of it.
We're trying to be factually accurate.
We're trying to be funny.
And then you're trying to make sure that you're presenting information that people can use.
And to do all of those things and, on top of that, record a bunch of sketches.
Absolutely rounding.
I don't want any foot fetish people getting my feet.
It's just everybody's so different, but mixes so well.
It's a lot of fun.
And, you know, we get to tease Gerald all the time.
And what a thick skin that guy's got.
You know what?
It's a great room.
First of all, Stephen can slip into any character at will, no matter what we're talking about.
I kind of...
It's sort of touch and go with the Jews right now.
And Gerald is smart as hell.
There's always going to be an adult in the room.
Save the Jews!
I can't figure him out.
I take pride.
And being able to read people.
I've known him for, what, a couple years now?
I have no idea.
He'll get mad at me if I make a d*** joke.
He'll go, oh, like it's shocking.
And then he'll hit a Holocaust joke in there.
Bad button right now.
I can't figure him out.
Josh is a stand-up.
Josh is naturally funny, and he can do characters.
And action.
Hey, I'm Colonel Slam.
And the guys that work the...
I don't want to forget about the guys that work the soundboard and all that other s***.
Not nearly as gay, but also gay.
Options are limited.
Noodles just jumped in there.
I was in a rhythm.
They were all like guys' guys.
And I think it makes for a good mix.
Like someone on an island who hasn't eaten in a while and your friend turns into a hot dog?
Guys, do you have a white mic, please?
Comedy is probably one of the most important things that the world...
Is desperately in need of right now.
Okay, it's for the greater good.
For me, the best part of working here is the challenge.
You know, doing all that we do in the time that we have it.
I get to solve problems all day.
Jesse, I think I know why the episode keeps changing.
I get to do it with people that I adore.
More like a family here, which sounds so cheesy.
That's the worst thing to say, but yeah, I live with these people.
They're my friends.
I think that secretly people do like me, although I am the only person on staff that Joe Lewis has bitten repeatedly.
I didn't even pet or look in Joe Lewis's direction and this happened.
Scaredy. When I'm on stage, I love it.
Doesn't matter where, whatever.
This is just nothing but fun.
It's great.
Doing something I love, doing something that matters.
Well, now she's grossing you out.
Let my kids see something that they can do someday.
Something that's actually realistic.
Like, I never had that growing up.
I never thought it was realistic to be an entertainer for a living, you know?
I thought that was crazy.
I think that's important to see.
I mean, to see your parents work hard and get what they want, rather than what I saw in my father, which was work hard and get what you get.
I don't think many people get that sort of opportunity.
I can't be!
I mean, you look at people that hate their jobs, and we go out there and they're just making ends to me.
I'm just blessed and lucky to be doing what I'm doing.
Cut. Oh, what's going to do right now?
We're going?
Then we're going to hang out in the Sesame Street set.
Can I ask you a personal question?
No. Can you hear that, Billy?
George's a Greek.
I hate that nickname, by the way.
Yeah, anything you've written that even you think is too much, too dark for this show?
No. I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg.
I'm all for pushing boundaries.
I mean, I wrote a sketch about six months back when my grandmother was shredded.
So, I mean, it didn't air.
Can you do this?
Can you interview me in front of Oscar the Grouch's house?
That'd be fantastic.
All right.
Seven and a half, bitch.
What? If I actually showed my daughter those sketches, she's 10. Now she wants me to do a sketch with her where she gets to hit me with a glass bottle, so I'm not going to do that, though.
Because I could kick her ass, dude.
She's like this high.
We get the f***ing f*** to the f***ing f***.
Can I say that?
I think I did.
I mean, I rack at least, probably, on a slow day a dozen HR violations.
Which one?
F***ing f***!
Yeah, nice f***!
Trump loses day one.
What do you think that looks like?
Looks like me going to the gun store.
Do you think a Democratic victory here charts the past for a thin-walled presidency?
No. Gosh, he's a f***ing b***h on wheels.
Nick, how long have you not had the use of your plate?
Told me you weren't going to ask about that.
You good?
All right, kids.
Anything else you want to add?
I do.
I'd like not to do the show anymore.
Gerald's really bugging me.
I hope it lasts.
That's all.
I need the cash.
Bang. So we are, of course, going to see you.
I don't know what we are doing tomorrow, but you know why?
You know what?
I'll say this.
Joe, we do have a name for you when you're not around.
No, don't tell him.
No? All right, Tom.
Would you believe it?
If, when he's not around, we call him the old Rid Bailey.
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