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May 9, 2022 - Louder with Crowder
49:20
Leftists Prove Why They Should Not Have Babies | Louder with Crowder
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Time Text
I have one. Duncan, jerk.
Much more one. Duncan, jerk.
Duncan, jerk.
Duncan, jerk.
Mr. Duncan.
Duncan, jerk.
Take it right. Duncan, jerk.
I broke you in. Duncan, jerk.
Mr. Duncan, jerk.
I have one. Duncan, jerk.
Take it right. Duncan, jerk.
And I found out. Duncan, jerk.
Come on!
Mr. Mitchell.
Mr. Duncan is my own man.
This week in Feminism.
So when I came back from the tattoo parlor and my boyfriend didn't like my spacers or my nose piercing or my bowl cut,
then he's dating someone else.
patriarchy.
You're a stranger in my life, that's what I know.
You're a stranger, I've got to follow.
This is a meeting.
This is a meeting.
All right.
Good morning, everyone.
That was disgusting.
Ahoy, everybody.
I don't know what is in there, but thanks, guys.
I hope it makes me ill.
Okay.
Welcome to the show, everyone.
As always, we have a lot of fun people here, and it is a live show Monday through Thursday, 10 a.m.
We're on Rumble.
We're on all kinds of places where you can find podcasts.
We're on Mug Club, YouTube.
Of course, you might get thrown off, so go to everything else I just mentioned.
And other than that, how about a question of the day?
How did you celebrate Mother's Birthing persons day.
Yeah, that's right.
It's a whole new thing.
Go ahead and leave your comment.
I drove to Detroit and shit on my mom's grave.
So, that was the way to make it work.
I feel there's... I'm just glad that men can take everything away from women now.
So as long as you can... And the best person who has the best response of what you did on Birthing Persons Day, you get a free cat bath from Gerald A. So it's gonna be very exciting.
Cat bath.
It's gonna be good.
Speaking of which, Speaking of people on maternity leave, who shouldn't be, Gerald B. is here, because Gerald A. is not, still at home, breastfeeding his son, and then we- Chestfeeding.
Chestfeeding, I mean, right, because he doesn't use his, really, he's got the De Niro tube.
Push it in, twist to lock.
And of course we have, I'm going to call him Psychologist Kevin.
Morning, sir.
Hey, how are you?
Welcome to the show.
Better now.
How are you?
Good.
We got Casey Basem.
Good morning.
Hey, good morning.
And of course, Tim the Tool Man, as always.
Good morning, Dave.
Good morning to you, my friend.
And a very special ahoy to one of my good friends and favorite people, Crawdaddy.
Thank you, David.
Good to see you.
Thank you for coming.
Kind of a bare-bones crew today.
Yeah, we got it very slim.
How many kids did Gerald have, do we know?
I mean, he's been gone a while.
I believe he had just one, but boy, his maternity leave is something special, isn't it?
It really is.
Yeah, he really takes advantage of a situation.
If a woman did it, he'd be mouthy about it.
That's true.
But boy, can he hypocrite at home, can't he?
He can't.
Probably sitting around, talking to his newborn, misquoting scripture.
Very exciting stuff.
More exciting news.
So leave your comments.
It helps our algorithm.
And Stephen Crowder, he's not in today.
He's doing something special for you guys.
I think you're going to enjoy when he puts that together.
And we are going to be in Tulsa this Saturday.
So that's pretty sweet.
Right there.
Go ahead to louderwithcrowder.com slash tour and you can also see me solo May 29th at Fuel Fest in Gaylord, Michigan.
Gaylord, Michigan.
What is Fuel Fest?
Fuel Fest is a new thing.
I guess they won a lawsuit against the state for forcing them to shut down over mask mandates.
So this is like a celebration they're having as kind of a middle finger to the Governor Whitmer.
Sweet.
And I'm proud of it.
I'm proud to be a part of it.
I flub my words because I used to do drugs.
We also, uh, also the 27th and 28th of May, I will be at Big Al's in Emily, Minnesota.
And I'm on a new app that I just want to talk about real quick.
It's called Shout Out.
There's really cool people on it.
You have like Dean Cain, you have, there's a, have you seen it at all?
He's hunky.
He is hunky.
America's hunkiest Superman I've always seen.
And the most, one that can walk the most.
That's true.
But there's a lot of great people on there and you can get a happy birthday.
Yours are the best.
Thank you.
They're so fun to watch.
I really like doing them for people.
So I did a lot of fun Mother's Day ones and yeah, go on there.
It's only a couple bucks and I'd like to wish you a happy birthday.
Or happy birthing person's day because the world is smart.
Speaking of... Everything makes sense.
Honestly, when I think about my mom, glad she's dead.
Like, why would you want to live in this time?
I can't.
I wouldn't even know how to explain it to her.
I'd be like, yeah, I can give birth now.
Even people that have only been gone a few years, if they were to come alive today, they wouldn't believe it.
No, at all.
Like if you died in like 07, you wouldn't know what to do.
You'd be like, whatever.
You'd get Martin Luther King coming back.
No, somebody just a few years, you know.
Even Martin Luther King would come back and go, hey guys, not what I meant.
That's right, exactly.
Just disappointed.
I watch a lot of Netflix, I'm not gonna lie.
Do you watch any?
You know, I don't normally, but I just did.
We were just talking about this.
Casey and I were just talking about a movie I watched on there.
Had never seen the other guys.
Can't believe it.
So funny.
So quotable.
My wife was howling.
That's not a movie the gals would normally go to, but it was a lot of fun.
I think the Rock and Sam Jackson jumping to their death is probably the funniest thing.
Aim for the bushes.
Aim for the bushes.
What were you thinking?
It wasn't even annoying.
Homeless people just keep having sex in Will Ferrell's Prius.
Such a good movie.
I know I've ruined two parts, but not the film.
I promise.
It's punchline after punchline.
I need to know who that woman is.
It's my wife.
No, I need to know.
Who is she?
I would not accept that Eva Mendez was his wife.
Anyway.
How did you get that?
I don't get it.
He's a pimp named Gator.
That's my Netflix.
That's what I did.
Well, there's a lot of things on there now about how people tend to get, you know, all sorts of jams, if you will, on dating apps.
And I guess I've never been a dating app person.
I met... You were married through the dating app era.
Yeah, I never dated in the dating app era.
So there's a new documentary out there.
It's still very popular.
I guess it's been out for a little while, but it's still like in the top 10.
And I finally watched it.
It's called The Tinder Swindler.
Let's take a look.
When I first talked with Simon, immediately we had a bond.
He was smart and funny and very impulsive.
I shared my whole heart with him.
And then he asked me if I wanted to travel with him on a private jet.
I was like... He took me to a five-star hotel.
He said we had a special connection.
It felt like stepping into a movie.
And then in the middle of the night... He said there was something he wants to tell me.
He said he has threats against him.
He needs our cash.
Wow!
$20,000.
$30,000.
$140,000.
His life depended on me.
That's when police tell me the man I love was never real.
Wow.
When a billionaire asks for $20,000, that might be a hint.
What's with all the drone city shots?
Now that's the new screen wipe.
Have you noticed?
Boom!
And we're going over the top of the buildings.
Boom!
It really is.
It just means you couldn't afford footage.
You had to buy it all.
He asked me, he's billionaire, we went in plane and he asked me for $100,000.
I was like, sure, I'll loan to you.
And then he turned out his name is not Dan.
Wow.
Good story.
Very dumb.
Where is the set?
What was that accent?
Uh, Stupidville.
Okay.
I couldn't tell by the multiple cityscape screen wipes.
I guess he travels all over the place.
Yeah, the screen wipe seems to be a shot from Ninja Turtles, but otherwise I don't know.
It is different countries.
You recognize the manhole covers from above?
Yes, exactly.
Well, there's actually another one coming out now.
This is interesting.
This is about an app.
It's actually for men who are dating in the homosexual community.
And this one is called the Grindr Denier.
You can get a little bit of anything you want on Grindr.
From fascias to admirers to people who claim to have never been on it.
Alright, so get this.
I was walking through downtown Chicago, Bird Sanctuary, 3am in the morning, you know, like normal folk do, and this guy just pops out of nowhere.
He says that if I don't give him 10,000 bucks, he's gonna tell my entire family that we, uh, met up on Grindr and had, uh, intercourse in the parakeet den.
So, did you end up paying him?
I had to.
Somehow he'd made this entire Grindr profile that only I knew the password to.
So I went on to Grindr because I thought it was an app about hard work.
You know, motivational, like grinding it out.
Yes, I am Brian Stelter.
The real Brian Stelter.
But you guys aren't going to use my real name, right?
And you pinky promise that you'll blur out my face?
Great.
Anyway, next thing you know, this guy messages me about meeting him on a construction site to show me how hard he could work me.
Seem legit.
Now I can talk about how I keep getting robbed at all-male swingers clubs.
Next thing you know, I'm giving him $500 to do unmentionable things.
Here comes the meat choo-choo.
I need my money back.
Someone needs to find this blackmailer.
Make him give me back my $10,000.
Oh, huh.
There's a reminder.
I think I might know where he is.
I'm gonna go have a word with him.
A whole mouthful.
Yeah, I paid him $500 for oral services rendered, because I appreciate hard work.
How is that prostitution?
What are you, nuts?
What, would I go on a show admitting to paying for a male prostitute?
Only I knew the password.
Only I had those pictures of my penis.
Yeah, you gotta tell all my masseuses to stop lying over here.
That's perjury!
Slander!
You even talk to them, have you?
Make sure you cut them out of the specials.
Me?
Gay?
I don't think so.
Actually, I'm extremely heterosexual.
But I do go to the gay clubs.
Only because I like the buffets.
Yeah, that's great and everything, but what about when you were found unconscious at a LGBTQ nightclub called The Rest Area?
I went there because I heard they had marvelous stuffed crust pizza.
It turned out they didn't.
I was in the bathroom when a flame twirler knocked me out with one of his batons.
And then a Diana Ross impersonator stole my Crocs.
It was the worst night of my life.
I mean, yeah, I guess.
Haunting stuff. Haunting.
Well, they need a nap, too, Dave.
I mean, come on.
Yeah, it's true.
It's a shame people get ripped off on them.
I guess Brian Stelters uses it to get food, but, you know, you never know.
You never know what you're going to walk into.
Speaking of... Poor Stelter.
Yeah, poor guy.
I mean, really.
He's just a good-looking anchor.
This is true.
Yeah.
Handsome.
Charismatic?
Where would you think he'll land after CNN?
We know that's coming soon.
The White House.
And push back into the ocean?
The White House.
Press Secretary.
I think you're right.
Where else is he going to go?
That's exactly where they go.
They just get recycled.
Endless Empathy or White House.
We just need you to embarrass us and be the secretary, paint your nails.
Speaking of CNN, Jim Acosta, I don't know if you know this, is a hero.
On Saturday, Jim Acosta tweeted something terribly bigoted and he doesn't even know it.
He wrote this.
Ran into an Afghan refugee in the elevator today.
He was delivering groceries.
Didn't know which buttons to push, so I helped.
Must have been new.
As he got off the elevator, he thanked me and said, I am Afghan.
I said, good luck and welcome to America.
He smiled.
He's on his way.
How did he know which button to push?
Right.
How is he helping?
He didn't know the numbers.
Yeah.
How does he know what room to find?
I'll take shit that never happened, Alex.
Oh, you win?
500, yeah.
Unbelievable.
He can't figure out 1 through 10, but then he's like, he gets upstairs, he's like, this is 438, where they ordered this entire thing.
How does Acosta know he was a refugee?
Unbelievable.
These people.
He can work a GPS, but he gets in an elevator and he's like, I don't know!
What is this time box?
Do I travel?
Is it also Arabic numerals?
Our number system is based on Arabic numerals.
If he's Arabic, he's gonna know what it means.
He's not gonna stand there confused.
Like he just got to the country, illegally I guess, according to Acosta, and got a job at DoorDash and just sat confused.
He knows how to count his tips.
He corrected Acosta, explained to him that it's a lift in the UK, not an elevator.
He seemed sharp.
It's like he had been here and just had a slight accent.
Yeah, he had a license to do it.
License to drive, but he didn't have the numbers.
Yeah, he was able to read an odometer, but boy, when it came to that elevator, really threw him off.
Acosta just saw a brown guy, he's like, oh, he must be after this.
The numbers are literally stacked on the wall.
Yeah, he's like, oh man, that 1 through 10 thing throws me.
There is no 13.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know.
I've never measured a fence.
Acosta not only made up a ridiculous story of virtue signal, but he made it horribly bigoted.
So good for you, Acosta.
You're an idiot.
CNN actually, you know, their Plus app, it officially did shut down after one month, which is really, that's special numbers.
It's amazing.
But after 30 days, I started watching them lower the price.
At first it was like, it's only nine bucks.
Then they're like, it's $2.99.
Then they're like, we'll give you a dollar.
And there was questions as to whether or not some of their programming would live on.
Look at that.
Inside sources at CNN leaked to us that they had a ton of programming in the works that'll never see the light of day.
Some of them even sitcoms.
Here are 7 plus 1 failed CNN plus pilots You'll forgot to burn in the chamber. There's always one in
the chamber Always forget that one.
Crawdaddy, can you help me out?
We're gonna do this.
Number seven!
To hire a predator.
Because there's a lot of them there.
If you look it up, it's... Wow!
Number six, Crawdaddy!
How I met your bicurious zither.
What?
That's a, from what I understand, it's a bicarious mother-father parent.
Oh, okay.
Queer.
It's just, I'm not making it up.
That's literally the definition.
Everything's stupid.
Yes, that's correct.
Five, Brian Stelter actually would have had a new show on there.
It's called Straight Eye for the Queer Guy.
I thought he just liked the stuff crusts.
Number four, Crawdaddy.
Naked and Afraid, Kids Edition.
What?
Unbelievable.
That's not good programming at all.
No, I don't think so.
I mean, they, you know, they're just throwing stuff against the wall with sticks.
I just realized what that meant.
It's not a wall.
All right, so number, let's see where we're at.
Number three.
Cuomo Brothers, The Bachelorette, Stromboli Island.
They're not bachelors, but they certainly pretend they are for the show.
Number two, Crawdaddy.
Hal Sharpton learns to read.
And now that the network's gone under, he's never going to.
That was gonna be a big thing for him.
Poor guy.
Yeah, I know, right?
He's just never gonna get those words.
Is he a better reader than Biden, though?
Yeah, yeah.
I think so.
I mean, Biden's got an earpiece and still, he can't even repeat back words.
Salute the troops.
Stop it, Lloyd Bridges.
Good lord.
This says, number one, Don Lemon actually has his version of Shark Tank.
It's called Shark Taint.
And that's where instead of pitching ideas, he just pinches your taint.
It's kind of different.
Oh, we also do have a plus one.
What was I thinking?
What?
Yeah, that's right.
There's always one.
There's always one.
The Sticky Situation Room with Jeffrey Toobin.
I'm sad that this isn't gonna make the air.
How about you?
I'm waiting for that stinger.
We've got to get out of this.
I would at least watch Al Sharpton's to read.
There's always one in the chamber.
Al Sharpton.
Good guy.
Hook it on Pahonix.
I originally had Al Sharpton verse food.
I said that'd be fun if he got heavy again.
I miss heavy Al.
He's funnier.
And he rhymed better.
That's true.
Like whenever every pound he lost he rhymed a little bit worse.
And for a guy who's not good at reading, great at rhyming.
That's pretty good.
Well, he's not grandstanding on TV like he does in the streets.
That's true.
Yeah.
Yeah, that is very true.
I think he's more real on the streets and on CNN when he's reading news, he's like me.
Alright!
We're talking about this.
A man in Texas has an outstanding warrant for burglary of a building.
He was caught on camera at a home removing items from a garage before pulling out the lawnmower and knowing both the front and back yards.
Here it is.
Look at this monster.
What are you doing?
I'm cutting your lawn.
Was he Dennis the Menace?
I know!
What's he burgling?
I think he just got tired of their long grass and was like, I'm doing it myself.
Oh, he didn't trim.
That's what it is.
Had he edged, it wouldn't be a crime.
They're watching the footage.
They're like, he's actually doing a good job.
Is he going to repair the picket fence?
That was his next thing.
He also stole a hammer and put it back.
He's painting the house and the next day he comes back to shingle the roof.
This criminal.
Well, according to the New York Post, this is the guy, so clearly he was, I'm guessing a PCP.
Because I think either that or meth, because he's doing a good job.
Clearly he's high.
I'm just guessing by the bird's nest on top of his head.
I think there's a woodpecker in it.
I'd put my money on meth.
Just unaware that it was nighttime.
An inappropriate time to be mowing.
But that seems like a good time if you're on meth to cut your lawn.
You know, it's not a daytime activity when you're on crank.
And as you know, Dave, a lot of these neighborhoods, not real good homeowners associations.
No, they're not.
This guy's just trying to take it upon himself.
He's like, nobody showed up to the Homeowner Association meeting.
It's just me and my bag of meth.
He probably thought it was his house.
Yeah, that's true.
He wanted it to be.
Yeah, that's true.
He was just going to go and kill everyone.
I was going to put in an offer, man.
I want you to move.
Let's make it pretty.
The officers arrived at the home and chased the suspect, who pulled the lawnmower behind him before ditching it in an alley nearby.
There you go.
That's him again.
And continuing the escape.
It's important to note in the full tape, the guy actually doesn't ever steal anything.
And I'm not sure if he was even stealing the lawnmower or just scared and carrying the lawnmower with him until it was too heavy to hop a fence.
It's tough to get away with a self-propelled lawnmower pulling against you.
It really is, yeah.
You can't get a lot of momentum.
There's no way he let go of it where he wasn't just holding the handle down.
It's spinning the wheels.
He's got a leaf blower in one hand.
He just forgot he had it.
I know.
We're getting foreplay to a home invasion.
It's just, you know, we're gonna make it nice this time.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, he's waiting for his friends.
He's like, we are gonna tie everybody up, but you know, let's make it nice.
We'll go inside.
I love how he gingerly takes the fence picket and just puts it where it is.
I was gonna line it up, but that's good enough.
He didn't just kick it out of the way and continue to mow, now he put it where it belongs.
There's a kidnapping, and also they left some feng shui.
I mean, the room looks gorgeous, but... It feels wonderful.
Yeah.
I had no idea how big it could look.
You saw the video.
He actually put gas in the mower before he started mowing.
Did he check the oil?
He probably just huffed it.
Yeah, look, so he's taking it out.
He's putting gas in there.
That's amazing.
What a gentleman.
He brought his own.
It's not even theirs.
Hey, price of gas now?
He's like, this is very expensive.
He's like, if I'm gonna cut your lawn, I'm gonna do it right.
It's $4 a gallon.
Please.
He just didn't pick up the trimming, so it's a crime.
Yeah.
Well, I say this man is not a criminal, and if you want to break into my garage and cut my lawn once a week, I'll give you like 30 bucks.
Somebody ought to tip him.
Yeah, I would just walk down and be like, I don't know what's wrong with you, but here, and thank you.
These are times when it would be a blast to be the judge.
Wouldn't it?
Come on.
Wouldn't you have fun with that?
I'd love it.
I'd be like, have you thought about making it a business as opposed to a crime?
I'm going to give you community service to do my lawn for the rest of the season.
Yeah, exactly.
You do a good job.
Yeah, you do very nice.
Have you considered doing this for me and the district attorney there?
Bailiff, how's your lawn?
Yeah, exactly.
The courthouse actually needs some gardening.
Municipal buildings.
Yeah, this is all going to look good.
Oh, man.
I'm just going to take the fun out, though.
Oh, that's true.
You mean I can't do meth and just mow anybody's lawn?
Or just mow somebody else's lawn?
Yeah, I'm sure like the fourth lawn, once it's too much meth, it's just a train wreck.
You see like the crop circles in the front?
That's how the crop circles actually happen.
He's just cutting himself with a lawnmower blade.
I don't like this guy.
I don't know, just tip him and tell him to leave.
I'm not going out there.
Let him do what he wants.
He's the Batman of home maintenance.
Yeah, he's always great at mowing until he's picking invisible mites off his skin.
Other than that, yeah, A+.
Yeah, they should give him a nice haircut.
Get him a little truck for his friend's lawnmower or whatever house that was.
Good for him.
I say, good for you.
Innocent.
Cheers.
Absolutely.
Well, I'm sure you guys have heard about this.
There was a Roe v. Wade leak.
And it continues to escalate.
And naturally, celebrities have been more than eager to share their expert opinions.
Look at that.
We got George Takei, Roseanne, Arquette, and Carrot Top.
I think that was Kathy Griffin.
I'm sure it is.
I'm sure it's Kathy Griffin.
She looks like a used mop.
Oh, she should change her name to Carrot Bottom.
Laughter.
Ugh. Anyway, and Kathy Griffin... are among a host of celebrities... sorry, dry heaved... who have spoken out.
In fact, it looks like Michael Moore already has a new movie out called Roe v. and Me.
me. I love...
Pizza, ham, doughnuts filled with cream.
I love food.
Burgers, fries, and tacos fill up my dreams.
And I know it's true.
The commercials are seldom what they seem.
That's why I make reviews, I review food for you.
I'll try anything once, but usually way more than once.
Especially things filled with cream.
It's just Michael Moore singing about food, David.
Yeah, that doesn't have anything to do with Rover's weight.
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Should he even eat like that?
He's got to have type 2, right?
At minimum.
Yeah.
How does he have two legs, as you would say?
I don't know.
I guess... It's interesting that that's the trailer for the movie and it has nothing to do with Robey weight.
No, none.
Well, I guess Flint water is good for something.
Hmm.
That's where he lives.
And also, I am from Michigan, and we have apologized for Michael Moore on many occasions.
Okay.
I'm just not a fan.
I liked Roger and me.
And then after that, it was just...
A lot of that was fake, too.
Was it really?
That's too bad.
Do you remember when he went to the Grosse Pointe Yacht Club to try to find Roger from GM?
Oh yeah, I do.
He was never a member there.
Was he not?
No, it was just a big symbol of opulence and wealth that he's sitting in there having a cigar.
They would go and just looking around.
Oh, he's not here.
Come on.
I mean, that's just it's cheap theatrics, right?
And what's funny is it's not like the Grosse Pointe is known to be rich for Michigan and the Detroit area.
It's upper middle class anywhere else in the country and all the way to lower middle class, depending on what part you live in.
You know, like that.
It's not like there's normal boats there.
There are some giant yachts and stuff, but they don't really belong to people.
Well, it is the place where I mean, the equivalent of today's Gates and Musk live along, I mean, Fords and Dodge families, Fisher body, all these industrialists right back then.
But that's not the case anymore.
No.
But Lakeshore is beautiful.
I have friends that live there.
Oh, the houses I would do drugs in.
That's what's great.
That's what's great about rich kids is that a lot of them have Uh, no purpose.
And absent parents.
Yeah, so you just, you just, you enjoy their company until one day they OD on one of those yachts.
Moving on.
I wish I was kidding.
He went in there looking for him, like I'm trying, like I'm trying to find him and he's not here and he's ducking us.
I went, stop.
Yeah, that's ridiculous.
Yeah, like Charlton Heston was ducking him on the gun issue.
He let him in his house.
Yeah, and he was shouting to nobody.
They're making it look like he ran off, like he was avoiding him.
It's like a camera shot where it's just, all right, get me shouting, and then we'll insert Charlton Heston walking away from me.
He does these cheap tricks.
You know, that was one of the first times that I started questioning any liberal ideology, because that came out when I was in high school.
Because I was a senior when Columbine happened, and I was watching it.
And they were blaming Kmart for the bullets that was bought.
So Michael Moore brings in this kid who's in a wheelchair from Columbine and these other people, talking about who sold him the bullets, and it's like, we're blaming Kmart.
Which, by the way, it went out of business, so great job.
But why?
It had nothing to do with Kmart.
It doesn't matter where they bought the bullets.
Nothing to do with it.
And that's what he's trying to do, is blame... But even as a teenager, you're connecting the dots and realizing the scam.
Yeah, all my friends and I were watching and we're like, this guy's just being an ass and exploiting a dude in a wheelchair.
It's completely unnecessary.
And it's sad what happened with Columbine.
And then we had to have school drills where we, uh, it was an alarm system where you would hide under your desk.
That's going to help.
Oh yeah, it was good.
The first time they did it, it was the fire alarm.
Were you in school during that?
I was in school during... I mean the drills.
Yeah, yeah.
They just started the drills.
Well, it happened in 99.
You were a fifth year senior.
Yes, I was a fifth-year senior.
No, I was a first-year junior, actually, at the time.
I was 99.
So, yeah, they started doing the drills right after that.
And it's like, all right, we're going to pull the fire alarm, because we don't have that alarm yet.
Then you get under a desk, and I'm like, well, what if there's a fire?
And you confuse alarms.
Now it's just kids burning to death.
And you're like, well, nobody was shot.
It was just such a stupid plan.
So I tell you what, I hear bullets, I'm gonna go the other way.
Plus, I got a feeling which kids are gonna do it, and I've always been nice to them, so hopefully it's like Elephant, where I'm just gonna walk to my car and I'm like, hey man, remember, I gave you drugs.
Alright.
And they're shooting all the downed kids and letting you walk to them.
Yeah, that's all I... Not that it's a good thing.
I'm just saying sometimes there's weird kids and if they ask for a cigarette in the boys' room, give them one.
You give it to them?
Yeah, you go, here you go, buddy.
I see you've cut yourself on your wrist.
Well, you guys had to deal with that, you know, the school shooting thing.
We had to do the bomb shelter drills where they took us all down to the basement and they would shut off the lights.
No talking during the nuclear holocaust, you know.
So the whole school could fall on top of you.
That's right.
Exactly right.
Pancake onto the student body.
Squish the kids.
And a couple times a year we would do that.
Really?
Yeah, down in the basement.
What year?
They would shut off the lights.
Carlton Elementary School on Casino.
You know where that is now?
Yeah, I do.
Certain Death.
I don't think it's there anymore.
I think it's still there.
Is it still there, Carlton?
Yeah.
Okay.
Pieces of it, or the actual school?
The actual school.
Between Roxbury and Lake Point.
Yeah I know where it is!
One of the early busing experiments in the country.
Oh really?
Oh that's right you said that was one of the first schools that did it.
That's crazy.
Yeah but they would take us downstairs and then so the kids would learn not to panic it shut off and it was pitch black.
Of course that's when kids would bring squirt guns in and you know and then the lights would come back on.
It was just it was chaos for the 90 seconds the lights were off.
Yeah, we did dumb stuff.
Like we had a, uh, we were all drunk at a bar that you could drink at in Detroit because it's Detroit.
And we were all about like 16, 17, you know, 18.
And we were like, all right, whoever drinks, like gives up on shots first has to go to the pay phone and call in a bomb threat.
And they're like, okay, so we're all doing shots.
I'm not even worried about this one.
So I don't have to do it but my buddy does and he goes across the streets at the pay phone and he gets on it and he calls it in and we're like okay like not not realize and this is a completely fake story uh for any FBI watching um but he comes back he's like yeah he did it we're like oh yeah sure you did whatever the next day we go to school There's, like, robots and bomb-sniffing dogs, and they're putting everybody, like, over to the bleachers, and we're like, oh shit, this just got real.
Wow.
And we were all hungover, and we're like, what are we gonna do?
And we're like, I guess we just- Just watch.
Get the rest of the day off, and we just left.
But we didn't realize, like, the severity of what we had just done.
Because we did it, like, right after Columbine.
And they were so on, like, our edge.
Because when you're a kid, you don't really get the severity of anything.
But, you know, we got a day off, so there is... I guess I'm saying there's a silver lining.
Well, pulling a fire alarm was a big deal when I was a kid.
That was a big time.
But you'd do hard time for that though.
They would make an example of you for that one.
They got very pissed.
Yeah.
Then they would ask everybody at the school who did it.
Yeah.
But my friends and I weren't rats.
Until they start to put pressure on...
All the kids that somebody becomes a rat.
Yeah.
As long as it's you and one other guy who can keep a secret, you're like, I have no idea.
Yeah.
I was in church.
Nowadays, you'd be on camera, so there's no getting away with it.
Oh, yeah.
Well, every school has cameras now.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
So, yeah.
Well, speaking of good kids, many protesters broke out over the weekend over the Roe vs. Wade League.
This one, however, may have been the most memorable.
I mean, she looks great in white at her wedding, but probably not a virgin.
I mean, she looks great in white at her wedding, but probably not a virgin.
She must be proud.
I don't think she knew they were dolls.
No, I guess none of them got her anything nice for birth person's day.
At least she didn't build a fire and toss them into it.
Aborted babies being burned and then used for electricity?
I hope they are.
She will never get pregnant now.
Oh no.
Fago soda will prevent that.
Give me your feet!
I thought they were vegans.
But on a serious note, this mob rule mindset is exactly what the Founding Fathers tried to prevent.
Here's footage from outside of Chief Justice John Roberts' home, as well as Justice Kavanaugh.
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
Rape!
Illegal!
Abortion!
You don't care if people die!
You don't care if people die!
That's ironic.
Right.
You're drawing hangers in the street.
You think that's the appropriate tool?
This kind of proves how Dems don't read anything, since Chief Justice Roberts is likely siding with the left on this one.
Look at that.
The Supreme Court currently sits at a 6-3 conservative majority, but Roberts has more recently and consistently voted with members of the court that were nominated by Democratic presidents.
And Justice Roberts has been the pivotal majority creating liberals in many cases.
By the way, recent polls suggest that the Supreme Court leak hasn't moved the needle at all.
This topic has given a voice to black conservatives, however, as more people notice black lives only seem to matter when it's convenient.
Here's a man shutting down a pro-abortion protest of health care workers just last week.
Black lives matter or just some black lives?
The black lives killed by black men matter, right?
Yes?
The black babies killed in the abortion clinics matter, right?
Thought so.
The black officers killed by that bastard in Minnesota, that matters too, right?
Okay.
But the black babies that are killed in the abortion clinics don't matter, do they?
Medical people.
Do their lives matter?
Does the future of our black babies matter?
Isn't it the truth, though, that they only go and have black people on their side when they need them?
That's right.
Yeah.
You know, they lost.
Yeah.
The loser doesn't get to mock the winner.
No.
It's exactly backwards.
You don't get to tease the winner that they won.
And this victory was 50 years in the making.
Done appropriately.
Getting the message out there, electing officials, getting officials to appoint the right justices, that if finally, 50 years later, this kind of thing is coming back around.
Roe vs. Wade was all just tainted from the beginning.
It's unbelievable.
This was done correctly.
And they're going to trash talk the winners?
I mean, there's no teeth in it at all.
Well, when you look at it, when it just goes from, you know, giving the power from the government to the states, it's not taking away a right to have an abortion.
It's just one of the parts of the law, which, regardless of my opinion or anybody else's opinion, the reaction is absurd.
Right.
Because this direct reaction is ignorance into believing something that isn't necessarily true.
It's this knee-jerk, uneducated reaction And really, so many grotesque ways.
I'm eating a baby out of a can.
That's funny.
Yeah.
I mean, it's funny in different contexts.
She's serious.
Right.
Like you said, they don't read anything.
No!
They're out protesting the guy who's likely going to side with them.
Right.
They don't get it in macro or micro.
They're just all about emotion.
They're getting more freedom.
Can you imagine being the neighbor trying to get out of the driveway?
It's like, guys, I got a job.
Could you just move your... I would have thought a Supreme Court Justice would have a nicer crib, though.
I know!
I was kind of disappointed.
Didn't it look like it was off an outer drive in Detroit?
Is that the Chief Justice on his front porch?
That's weird.
Do you sell dime bags out of your carpenter house?
Well, let's lighten the mood.
Well, not for me, but, you know, for, well, for me, not this guy.
I don't know if you've heard this, the man with a penis on his arm is a new Channel 4 British documentary.
This is real.
Is this Dr. Dr. Nick?
Yeah, this is real.
He claims he feels like a real man again, though.
Here to help explain is our very own Professor Penis.
All right.
Welcome, Dr. Penis.
Oh, thanks for having me back, Professor, though.
Oh, right.
So... Yeah, it's been a while.
Yeah, thanks for bringing me back on.
It's my pleasure.
Honestly, it's my pleasure.
We're happy to have you.
Oh, thanks.
We need your clarity.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I heard you guys got a kind of a sticky situation here.
We do.
We have a penis questions.
Yeah.
And an arm penis, if you will.
Yep.
And so this man, Pat McGann, a British fella, ended up with a penis on his arm.
Yeah, I was one of the chief researchers on this project.
I'll flip you by the mic.
Flip this over here so you guys can see.
Okay, let's take a gander.
Now his penis just fell off?
Yeah, from drugs.
He was doing drugs one day and then it just plopped right off.
It's a technical term we use in the research professorial community called kendalling.
Oh, okay.
I see.
Yeah, it's a highly academic term.
And then you started a penis transplant?
Yeah, so this has been something we've been working on for a long time, but as you can see here, we have... This is where the normal, you know, human penis would be.
Right, right.
That fell off.
Now we've got his arm up here, and this is where we get the penis parts.
It's kind of, you know, like fat or veins or other shit, you know, around his body that Sure.
How does one actually grow a penis from one's forearm?
I think we put it on his forearm.
Like Darren asked, how does one grow that?
You just take those different fat veins?
Yeah, we take fat and skin, roll it up, we put a vein in the middle.
We also have a, I mean yeah, you guys can, let's see, I'm gonna put it there.
I see.
Yeah, normally it's pretty functional besides, you know, erections or any other.
It can connect to the bladder?
Oh yeah, so we actually took a... It'll be a vein eventually when we, you know, since we moved it, but we ran a...
A big tube here and he hides it under his shirt and we put some tape tape on it and connects to where the bladder is down there and so yeah then he can you know it's actually more mobile it's kind of yeah it's a good way to get around I would certainly say but no hydraulics whatsoever There's a, yeah, there'll be a pump now that it's installed.
Oh, artificial.
So he's got kind of more dribbles out, I would assume?
Yeah, he can pump it a little, dribble it, you know, the pump's there if he, you know, wants to become too messant.
You know, it's not easy having a wanker growing out of your arm.
But it's better, it makes you feel like a man again.
It's better than when it just fell off.
And I'm not gonna have it.
We'll just roll for you guys so you can... yeah.
Okay.
You know, it's not easy having that wanker growing on your arm,
but it's better... it makes you feel like a man again.
It's better than when it just fell off.
I'm not gonna have it, but it does make certain things inconvenient
when you've got a penis on your arm.
I'm in the loo, just showing you can have me.
Oh I said I'm in the loo!
Please stop it.
I'm trying to clean with my penis on.
No mail today.
My arm!
Take this!
All right, all right.
Who wants popcorn?
Popcorn?
All right.
Oh!
My armpit hair!
Oh!
I can only ride my bicycle at night.
It's a law because I can't wait for anybody leaving.
Which is okay.
It's not... Oh!
Oh my god, yes!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh!
That looked extraordinarily sad and painful.
sad and painful.
I hope he gets it put between his legs soon.
Yeah, it's always tough watching a patient, you know, go through all that.
Also, sorry, I apologize.
The diagram was improperly drawn.
I forgot he was British, so he updated the... Oh, thank you, the teeth.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, I wasn't sure.
So, will it be transplanted soon?
Yeah, it actually, as we're speaking, I'm pretty sure it has been transplanted.
I'm going to go follow up and document that.
Really?
That's fantastic.
Well, thank you so much for coming in, Professor Penis.
It's great to see you again.
Yeah, no problem.
Thanks for having me.
This was a blast.
My pleasure.
♪ I'm just glad that we have a medical research staff.
So if he waves to somebody, he has to register?
That's what he said, yeah.
He can only ride his bike at night because he could be a registered sex offender.
It's my understanding that at a Starbucks once, they called his name and he raised his hand.
Did three years.
Very sad.
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