All Episodes
Previous Next
March 17, 2022 - Louder with Crowder
01:13:56
WHY is John Cleese Demanding Reparations for The Whites?? | Louder with Crowder
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
I'm a serious macaroni and cheese maker.
I think that there's actually not a strong of consensus about the relationship between being overweight and being
unhealthy Alright, turn me into sea mattress
Thanks for watching! Please subscribe!
BLEEGH!
Ready?
Oops!
Hey young man, what's your name?
Um... Kenneth.
Kenneth?
How old are you?
I'm... I'm this many.
Oh, wow.
Would you like some candy?
Yeah.
Good boy.
DriverScout.com Music Playing...
Music Playing...
music playing...
And now he has to go to the bathroom again.
That's whiskey.
Whoops.
I'm kidding.
That's my mug.
I'm so sorry.
It's just St.
Patrick's Day.
Oh wow.
So that's all.
Happy St.
Patrick's Day everybody.
Remember today's live show Monday through Thursday at 10 a.m.
ish.
If we're thrown off here, you can catch us on Rumble, you can catch us at The Blaze, podcasts, you know, whatever.
It's YouTube.
So we'll see if we can stay on.
I think we should.
But yeah, join us at Mug Club.
What do you think, Gerald?
I love Mug Club.
Are you saying hi to me now?
I am saying good morning, Gerald.
Happy St.
Paddy's Day.
Happy St.
Paddy's Day to you too, baby!
Go Irish!
My fighting Irish won last night in the, I guess, the first games of the NCAA, whatever, basketball thing.
Okay, that's enough.
Alright, Kevin, how are you?
I'm good, how are you, sir?
I'm doing good.
And how are you doing, Keegan?
Michael Key, what's up, baby?
Tim the Toolman?
Alright, already got a healthy buzz today.
Oh, nice, that's good.
We celebrate the day.
Well, yeah, that's how we celebrate the Irish.
And me, of course.
And I'm part Irish.
I don't know where they got the alcoholism thing from.
And Crawdaddy, one of my favorite people, welcome to the show.
Thank you, David.
Thank you for coming in.
I'm wearing it.
Gerald, why did they name it?
Football program after a race of folks.
How did that happen?
How'd that get under the radar?
The Irish?
Yeah.
The fighting Irish?
Why wouldn't they?
Well, they do fight.
Well, it wasn't for that.
Everybody's like, oh, you got to change the name because you think Irishmen are, you know, drunk fighting people.
No, it was actually they fought valiantly in certain situations.
Mostly in bars, but still it was valiant fighting effort.
Just last week after they've opened up from COVID restrictions.
There's so many bars that are gonna open today and be like, I wish we'd just stay to close one more day.
I hated this.
Look at this bathroom.
It's just green vomit.
Pittsburgh steamer.
Didn't Don Imus lose his job for naming Rudkers?
Yeah, well he said that one of them, yeah it was a word that, no it wasn't.
You can't say?
Yeah, it was curly.
Wasn't the Irish?
No, there weren't a lot of Irish basketball players.
I've never seen a female Irish basketball player.
Really?
Have you ever seen a ginger gal dunk?
Well, I think you could just say gal dunk and that would be difficult.
There's a couple that can.
I've seen a girl dunk.
Yeah, it's just not often.
Yeah, dunkaroos.
The one who's in the Soviet gulag, could she dunk?
Oh yeah.
Brittany Greiner?
I don't even know who that is.
Oh, yeah.
The Russians.
No, no, no, no.
She can't dunk, I don't think.
No, she's only 6'8".
Can we find out how many?
Wow, what a big Amazon.
What a tall drink of water.
6'8"?
And on a woman that looks like 8'4".
What a terrifying height.
And the voice to go with it.
I just would like to just go on a date with her.
Not like for real, but just so people would stare and be like, what is this?
Table for two please.
Like have her just carry me to the table.
There you go.
I'll need a booster seat to make eye contact with her.
Perhaps stack them three high.
I'd like some crayons, please.
You're gonna do it right, Dave.
Well, so happy St.
Patrick's Day.
Nothing like waking up tomorrow with a headache from binge drinking and a sore throat from sitting at a bar and trying to yell a conversation over the Dropkick Murphys.
They say that St.
Patrick's Day is when you're Irish for a day, but the day after when you're hungover, filled with regret, and not speaking to your friends and family, that's when you're truly Irish for a day.
And I say that as an Irishman.
Personally, one thing I love about St.
Patrick's Day is this video we're about to show.
I feel it's the greatest video in the history of St.
Patrick's Day.
Well, just in time for St.
Patrick's Day, crowds are coming by the dozens to get an up-close view at what some say is a piece of Irish folklore.
Some people in the Crichton area of Mobile say a leprechaun is taking up residence in their neighborhood.
A leprechaun?
NBC 15's Brian Johnson has more.
Curiosity leads to large crowds in Mobile's Crichton community.
Many of you bring binoculars, camcorders, even camera phones to take pictures.
To me it look like a level coming to me.
I gotta do a little bit of tree.
I found the pot of gold!
She's done it.
He stole it all!
My theory is it's casting a shadow.
The leprechaun only comes out at night.
Ah.
If you shine a light in its direction, it suddenly disappears.
This amateur sketch resembles what many of you say the leprechaun looks like.
Others find it hard to believe and have come up with their own theories and explanations for the image.
My theory is it's casting a shadow from the other limb.
Could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff and it told him to get up in a tree and play a leprechaun.
That is insightful.
You're still on there, guy.
Don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid, man.
This guy, helping to direct traffic, says he's prepared for his encounter with the leprechaun.
He's seen it up from head to toe.
This water's all spells right here.
This is a special leprechaun flute, which has been passed down from thousands of years ago from my great-great-grandfather, who was Irish.
I just came to help out.
Others just came to get lucky in hopes a pot of gold may be buried under this tree.
I'm gonna run around the backhoe and uproot that tree.
I wanna know what a gold neck was.
I already found it.
Where?
Told you.
His mouth?
The other guy.
People will do anything for a pot of gold.
I mean, anything.
You know what I like?
I like the amateur sketch of the leprechaun.
It looks like somebody got a really good look at it and got that good drawing out there.
Who did that?
I want to know who sketched that.
I don't know.
Maybe Brian sketched it.
That was the sketch, by the way.
Right there.
Dave just recreated it live.
Somebody sat there.
He was like, yeah, it had a hat and a face of sorts.
Uh-huh.
And he disappears and shines a flashlight on it.
Yeah, because it's not there.
Yeah.
And the whole neighborhood is out.
See it?
Can't you see it?
Oh, hold on.
Oh, he went.
He left.
But that is actually, it turned out to be Leprechaun in the Hood with iced tea.
So that was actually the inspiration for that movie was that scene right there.
You know, there are parts of America that just leave me worried that I'm an American sometimes.
Yes.
Well, I think it's the best video ever.
And today is a special day.
It's 24 hours where we celebrate the worst of the Irish.
It's the Bono of holidays.
So congratulations.
Oh.
That was the clip.
I thought it was the clip.
I realized I read that wrong and we already did the clip.
And Dave, when I said there are parts of America, I meant specifically this studio.
I'm part Irish, so let me redo crappy Irish things.
It is the Snow Patrol of Holidays.
Oh, come on!
There was one good song?
You get out of here.
Chasing Cars, come on.
Oh, you put that suspenders around your neck.
If I just lay here... Chasing Cars?
I want to know what happened to the white producer of that segment for that newsreel.
Oh, he was... He's gone.
Oh, he's fired.
The woman's just embarrassed.
Yeah.
So glad you brought that up.
Yeah.
People do anything for a pot of gold.
It's like you don't even know what to say when you say something like that.
I used to live in that neighborhood before I became a news host.
Yeah, she's like, thanks for bringing me back and reminding people of where I am.
Anyway, hit subscribe to this.
Comment, comment, comment, guys.
Smash that like button if you like leprechauns.
And also here's the question of the day.
How will you celebrate your St.
Paddy's Day?
I'd like to know.
Safe and sober.
Yeah, will you be getting drunk to celebrate the Irish?
Perhaps hitting a woman?
Whatever it may be!
Putting a pair of Irish sunglasses on your old lady after a nice day of binge drinking.
I'm Irish, I can say it.
You have Irish street pass, basically?
Yeah, I got Irish blood.
I'm half Irish.
The thing is, you don't have to prove it at all.
No.
You're a white person, you can say it.
Yeah.
Well, there's no other holiday that we celebrate the worst stereotypes of people.
It's like during the Mexican parade, 13 of your family members rent an apartment.
Gerald threw on the green at the very last minute.
I did, yeah.
I'm just embarrassed for him.
He's a Notre Dame alum.
Look, I got suspenders!
He did, he's got suspenders.
But I didn't even know it was St.
Patrick's Day until last night.
Really?
No, I was looking, I was like, oh, it's tomorrow, I better mention that.
Better not drink.
I look around the studio, no one else has green.
I feel like Patty McDouchebag here with my shell.
Well, you should.
Yeah, well, I won Spinal Tap and I have a pot of gold.
It's filled with... I found it in a tree in a very rough neighborhood.
We have...
Also, check out our merch store.
We got a lot of merch stuff.
I may want to recommend the Ahoy shirt above all, but that's just me.
Whatever your taste may be.
It's not a shameless plug at all.
No, it's not shameless whatsoever.
You can go to the merch store and you can get some merch.
There you go.
Done.
You can look cool as us.
You know, with the suspenders not so much.
You don't buy the suspenders.
No.
But there's a Gerald A. shirt.
Oh, there isn't.
Oh.
People don't like him.
Alright, anyway.
Love and hate you all at the same time.
I love you too, baby.
So conflicted.
I love you, baby.
I'll apologize after killing you.
How about that?
That's fair.
Okay.
As long as it's to the corpse.
I'm sorry I did this.
But you deserved it.
Let's wash you in the tub.
Alright, so... I don't know if you guys know this, but the Oscars has three hosts this year.
Uh, it's Amy Schumer.
Oh, Lord.
Uh, Wanda Sykes.
Alec Wanda.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, Regina Hall.
So you have three women there, which I have to be honest, if it's just not Adam Lambert and Queen, I'm fine with it.
That was... Are they trying to make people not Watch more than they already don't watch?
I think they had a meeting and were like, OK, how can we not get canceled this year?
And they were like, well, let's have three hosts just in case they fall like dominoes.
And they're like, OK, well, yeah, too black.
And then also, what if they're accused of a sex thing?
Let's make them all women.
That's fine.
So this is, I think, their way.
Diversity.
We're just trying to put a host on without people getting angry.
Who is Regina Hall, you must know.
She's an actress.
She was in God Knows What.
Okay.
I don't know if that's a movie.
No, that's not a title.
No, she's in stuff.
She's a pretty lady.
No, she was in Watchmen.
Watchmen.
The show, though.
The TV show.
Oh, the awful, woke HBO show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was even worse than the movie, which I didn't think was possible.
That movie was terrible.
It was absolutely horrific.
We were at the movie theater.
Transformers level.
You know when they have sex in the spaceship?
Yeah.
In the middle of the theater it opens up and my wife just goes, well that's gotta stink.
And the whole theater just bursts out laughing.
Because it's true, it's like you just had sex after a sweaty fight in a tiny pod.
Gross.
Yeah, I like the comic book, and then, or the graphic novel, but the, ugh.
Well we have three hosts, and after a four year run with no MC, This year's Academy Awards will feature them because you have no host.
We had bands like The Queen and Adam Lambert, which is just not Queen because there's no Freddie Mercury.
For my money.
But they were able to find a guy who has similar qualities to Freddie Mercury.
What do you mean?
He likes... I hear he's... Irish?
Irish.
He's Irish.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Makes sense.
So I think right now what they're trying to do to be safe is they don't want to just have the same old Oscar categories.
People get very, very offended.
Yeah, yeah.
So they've decided to come out with new Oscar categories.
To evolve the categories.
You want to make it better.
So here we are with seven plus one.
Whoop.
You forgot Sivan in the chamber!
Sorry, I stepped on it.
He did.
You're fine.
I don't mind.
He's not Irish.
He knew where it was going.
I don't drink anymore.
We can't even believe Stephen entrusts us with this show anyway.
I know.
Stephen, we are very sorry.
We haven't done anything, I believe, to get thrown off yet.
Don't worry.
Give me time.
Oh, good.
We'll get there.
Apparently, I'm the person who gets us kicked off.
Well, let's talk about the new 7 plus 1 woke Oscar categories.
Gerald's going to give me number 7.
Number 7, most creative skirting of COVID regulations in a production.
Crawdaddy.
Best acting in a role that wouldn't have existed even a year and a half ago.
Ah!
I've seen some of those.
Number five, give me a Gerald.
Number five, bravest obese person.
Period.
In anything.
Anything at all.
Anything at all.
It's a person, so it's not... It cannot offend you.
Yeah, it could be any kind of person.
Yes.
Number four, we have outstanding performance by an actress that used to be an actor.
Number three, Crawdaddy.
Character that will have to be most apologized for later.
Number two, Gerald.
Least obvious film pandering to China.
Ah, that is a tough one.
That really is.
You really gotta watch a lot of those to figure out which one is best.
Who's gonna win?
You don't know.
You don't know.
Number one, best supporting ally.
And I think that's important.
And of course we have a plus one, which is best actress who landed a role and had to get an abortion due to scheduling.
Thank you.
That is to spend seven plus one.
You forgot to burn in the chamber!
That means they pick their role over life.
They did.
Priorities.
I don't know if you guys know this.
I was actually in an Oscar winning film once.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Whoa! What are you?
Yo, what are you?
Are you?
I am a genie and I've been trapped in this lamp for over 4,000 years.
Now that you've released me, I must grant you three wishes.
Anything that you desire.
Anything?
Yes, anything.
Anything at all?
Three wishes, friend.
Go ahead and tell me your first wish.
It is my command.
Okay.
Suck my d**k. What?
Oh, I'm sorry, that was an Oscar winner.
Wow.
I thought it won an Oscar.
Does it get better?
Yeah, I actually wish for two more.
That didn't happen.
That's the whole thing.
And cancelled.
It's just, I sexually assaulted Jeannie.
I see a Stephen-shaped hole through his wall right now, running to the car.
It really is.
That Jeannie really painted himself into a corner, didn't he?
He did.
Yeah, we did that in 2012 for Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show.
And I figured, bring it up.
I had an acting reel, but I didn't know if it would be appropriate.
So we didn't use that.
But this sort of thing brings us now to this week in Biden.
If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
So we established a new civil rights, a new civil rights cause of action for those whose intimate images were shared on the public screen.
How many times have you heard, I'll bet everybody knows somebody somewhere along the line, that in an intimate relationship what happened was the guy takes a revealing picture of his naked friend or whatever in a compromising position.
And then, literally in a sense, blackmails or mortifies that person.
Send it out, put it online.
If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
Boy oh boy. Your son hired a photographer. It's not really anybody else's fault.
He sent out a press release saying please post this everywhere.
Right.
I don't know.
He's like, look, I'm going to be naked wearing an apron looking out of my Malibu window.
Would one of you escorts like to take a photo of me?
What do you find upstanding, ladies?
I'm reading a Laptop from Hell.
It's a book about a hundred by... There's a lot in there.
Is it a real book?
It's a real book.
Laptop from Hell?
Laptop from Hell.
Is that a thing?
Yeah, and it's even got a picture of him on the cover with the cigarette all crackled out.
Was this a... Smoking the John.
There is a movie coming out on this called My Son Hunter.
Is there really?
Anne McElhaney and her husband, Flynn McAleer.
Is it woke or is it... People that did Frack Nation and... Oh!
Yeah, they're good filmmakers.
So they're gonna go after him.
Oh, it's a documentary.
They did the Gosnell movie.
You remember that?
Yeah, yeah.
So it's not just kind of a remake of Scarface?
No.
Pretty much, though.
Very similar scenes.
They've got the dope on this for sure.
Yeah, I don't, I mean, I understand an addict.
I gotta be honest.
Right.
I sympathize with it.
But typically you just don't find them on the board of Burisma, making tons of money for the big guy.
Well, and especially when like, what was it, three years ago, they had to fix his cracked teeth and they're like, look, you're sober now.
And he's like, all right.
Put him in front of a camera.
He's like, yeah, I'm sober.
I guess teeth is all I needed.
Yeah, no, it's been good.
I got my life together at 53, whatever.
All right, so anyway, let's talk about this woke culture.
John Cleese, I don't know if you know John Cleese, he's from Monty Python, the original, some of you may not know him, and also the show Fawlty Towers, which I think is one of the most brilliant sitcoms ever.
He was at the South by Southwest festival and said that he thinks that Brits should get reparations.
Really?
Yes, he was on a panel.
I love it.
And after, was it Dulce Sloane?
Is that it?
Dulce?
Dulce Sloane?
Dulce.
Who knows?
It's Irish day.
Dulce!
After Dulce Sloane from the Daily Show made a joke about colonization, police called for reparations from Greeks and French.
My people were slaves too, you know.
Comedian, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's hilarious.
Get competitive about this business of being oppressed.
We were oppressed by Romans for 400 years and then Normans came over in 1066.
They were horrible people from France.
We need reparations there too.
I'm afraid.
At one point, Sloan confiscated the mic temporarily from Cleese, I guess giving it back.
Jim Gaffigan was there and said what Cleese did was brave and saying that, well, the thing is, I'm going to be dead.
And when Cleese was asked why he did this, he said, well, the thing is, I'm going to be dead soon.
This is why I'm in favor of global warming.
I don't want to be cold ever again.
I love him.
In response to the Hollywood Reporter article, Cleese tweeted, Next time the editor of The Hollywood Reporter sends someone to review a comedy festival, he would do well to send a reporter with a sense of humor.
Otherwise, it's like sending someone deaf to review a concert.
That's called a triple down.
I love John Cleese.
He's right though.
The idea that we're not supposed to make jokes at South by Southwest, which embraces film
art, stand up comedy, and somebody from the Daily Show would like you have no right to
wrestle a microphone from John Cleese.
No.
Like, just in a comedy hierarchy, you have no right.
Was there ever a Monty Python bit that wasn't self-deprecating?
It wasn't just slamming the Brits and their stiff upper lip.
It's always embarrassment.
Oh, they just completely trashed themselves.
And even the silly stuff is some of my favorite, like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where they use coconuts instead of horses.
It was because they couldn't afford horses.
Budgetary.
It worked.
It did, but there's a lot of celebrities.
Sorry, I've been drinking at St.
Patrick's.
No, you haven't.
No.
But there have been a lot of celebrities that have spoken out.
What I actually did was I took Allegra, and it's drying my mouth.
Have you taken it?
Is it?
Yeah, I had a bit of allergies this morning, and it just feels like... I spiked your drink.
Did you?
With cotton balls?
Was not a bad time to tell you.
I had some cotton balls in my mouth this morning.
Mission accomplished.
I blew a Muppet.
One of these times I'm gonna... So we have... Celebrities who have spoken out, though, about woe culture include Ricky Gervais.
We were going to do an In Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people that had died, it wasn't diverse enough.
It just, no.
It was mostly white people, and I thought, nah, not on my watch.
This show should just be me coming out going, well done Netflix, you win, everything, goodnight, but no, no, we gotta drag it out for three hours.
You could binge watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show.
That, that's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer, and it's still more fun than this, okay?
Spoiler alert!
Season 2 is on the way, so in the end, he obviously didn't kill himself.
Just like Jeffrey Epstein.
Shut up!
I know he's your friend, but I don't care.
Apple roared into the TV game with a morning show.
A superb drama, yeah.
A superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China.
So, well, you say you won't, but the companies you work for, I mean, unbelievable.
Apple, Amazon, Disney.
If ISIS started a streaming service, you'd call your agent, wouldn't you?
So, if you do win an award tonight, Don't use it as a platform to make a political speech, right?
You're in no position to lecture the public about anything.
You know nothing about the real world.
Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.
So, if you win, right, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God, and f*** off.
Okay?
I have to say, greatest speech in human history.
Oh, absolutely.
I don't think anybody's ever topped it.
No, but it's very revealing, too, though, when you see a Tom Hanks kind of afraid to smile, and then Amy Poehler, who's just wedded to NBC, right?
And, oh, harumph, harumph, come on!
What's going on?
What happened to comedy, guys?
Well, you hear the laughter, and that's a lot of the writers, the comedy writers, the people in the back.
Yeah, it's not the stars.
They're like... Every star's like, well, yeah.
I can't react.
Can you imagine being at some cook's table?
Oh, yeah.
When he said that about Apple, and he just was like, just look down, look at the menu or something, like fiddle.
Yeah, it's... And all the wimps... What to order?
I don't know.
Hey, Tim, what are you going to eat?
Uh, crow?
But all the wimps at Scorsese's table, hey, tough guys, over at Scorsese's table, they're all, we can't laugh at that.
Come on, guys.
You're just compliant.
You're just a bunch of twerps.
Well, and you're also degenerates.
We do mob movies.
He's calling you out on it, so, you know, it's also true.
Yeah, that's weird, too.
We're mob tough guys and we can't laugh at it.
We do mob movies or we do children's movies.
That's ridiculous.
No, you're right.
I think it's hilarious, though, that they think that they're just you see how when they get called out how true it is by their body language, like you said, when Tom and I like Tom Hanks.
Sure.
It's just like, yeah, Amy Poehler can be funny, but she's like, oh, NBC signs the check.
She's like, that's true.
I am owned by General Electric.
Did we fly on Epstein's plane to this award show or was that last year?
Oh, you know there's several people that have been on it.
They're like, well, he wasn't my friend.
I mean, he had a nice ride.
I wouldn't say friend.
I'd say secret keeper.
I just wanted to be on a beach somewhere.
He said, I got an island.
I said, perfect.
Perfect.
And he said, filled with kids.
I thought he meant I could bring the family, but I didn't.
That's a lawsuit waiting to happen.
I took a chance!
That's on me.
Yeah.
So also, another actor, he was actually kicked out, Kevin Hart, was actually kicked off
of the Oscars because he tweeted out if his son was gay he would break a dollhouse over
his head and stuff like that.
And they decided to, you know, cancel him from that.
But he wasn't permanently canceled, because they had to make Jumanji.
And they were like, we need a black guy.
And they're like, well, how about The Rock?
And they were like, well, he's already in it.
So he got his career back.
He's tonguing.
But Dave, he got his career back, but he had to do Jumanji.
And Jumanji 2, Welcome to the Jungle.
I've met Kevin.
He's a nice dude.
But I wasn't like, hey, I love your movies.
Here's Kevin Hart.
And when the times of, we can cancel you, by the way, which is the stupidest shit that I've ever witnessed in my 40 years of life.
The whole idea of, I can kill you today with the click of a button, I can end your life.
By the way, this is a real feeling that people have.
Yes.
I'm in control of your life.
If I want your life to stop and be over, I'll cancel you.
Yeah.
And that means you can't live no more.
This is how ridiculous it is.
It is true.
For people who say the cancel culture doesn't exist, they aren't looking in the right places.
Yeah.
Because there is a certain power given to people on the internet who believe that they can take away everything that you have.
And the idea of wanting to destroy someone completely is disgusting.
And the amount of people that want to do it is frightening.
Well, and everybody starts acting out of fear, right?
When he said it's like sending a deaf person to cover a concert, I remember when one of the Marvel movies came out and it had this great soundtrack to it, and I'm losing it, Guardians of the Galaxy.
Oh yeah, that was a great soundtrack, for sure.
Guardians of the Galaxy 2, I think, is the one that it was specifically referencing, and I can't remember the actor that did this.
I think it was Chris Pine and he said, like, crank it up or something like that in a tweet and basically had to go out and issue an apology to the deaf community and ended up signing it.
If you remember that, like, he actually ended up signing, like, just using sign language to apologize.
I'm like, why are you apologizing?
It's great music that you can hear.
It's not like, hey, deaf people, I know you can't hear this.
Ha ha.
That's not what he was saying.
Right.
But he was so scared of getting canceled because of that that he had to do that.
It's insane.
You have to say it's ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
That's not the word.
It's anti-freedom.
Oh, for sure.
It's pro-establishment.
Yeah.
These people are the man.
Absolutely.
Amazing.
And we all know Stevie Wonder, famous deaf piano player.
Wait, what?
Oh, right.
Oh, no, he couldn't see.
That was Ray Charles.
Stevie Wonder?
Ray Charles was the deaf one.
That's right.
And then there was Mac Tonight for McDonald's, but he just lost his vision from diabetes.
Diabetes.
Do you remember Mac Tonight?
Mac tonight?
Yeah!
No I don't.
He was Stevie Wonder, or, well he wasn't Stevie, you said like Ray Charles.
It was a half moon, and he wore sunglasses, and he sang for McDonald's.
I think I do remember that.
Yeah, and you're like, why is he blind?
And it's like, he eats McDonald's every day, that's why he's blind.
What do you mean, why?
Yeah.
Self-explanatory.
I don't know.
There's a lot of celebrities though that are against woe culture, and I think, you know, might be a little bit, uh, what's the term?
Charts with a B. Fired?
Yeah, I don't know.
No, no, not really.
Robert Downey Jr.
is somebody who's kind of- Based!
Based!
Thank you.
There you go.
But you have Robert Downey Jr.
He's kind of said that he's not an extreme liberal.
Right.
And I can understand that.
You have Seth MacFarlane, who I know is a liberal, but the jokes that he gets away with on a cartoon series shows that he values comedy more than ideology.
Which is, I think he's the guy who helped change Bill Maher a little bit.
Really?
Yeah, because he would come on the show a lot, and I think it's important to be a comic or to be funny before it is to be safe.
Because safety in comedy sucks.
Produces what we see in late night and Saturday Night Live.
Honestly, half of SNL looks like they just got notes from the CIA.
And they're like, okay, so what do you want today?
Okay, yeah, that'll be a good sketch.
We'll have no laughs there.
Wonderful.
Keegan can come in.
Robert Downey Jr.
came to it through experience.
He talks about it through his experience.
You can't come through what I've been through and not be more conservative.
Seth MacFarlane's all about the funny, right?
He's just all about comedy, and some people don't like him, but if you watch one episode of Family Guy, even now, it's offensive as hell, and that's what's funny about it.
And Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never been anything but really counterculture, but extremely popular.
Denzel Washington is another one, actually.
Do you think we've made any headway?
I think it's more important to make headway in our own house.
By the time the system comes into play, the damage is done.
They're not locking up seven-year-olds.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I was in Chicago a couple of three, four weeks ago, and we saw these little kids on bikes with masks on the side of their head, like five or six of them.
And the driver said, yeah, they're Lil Yummys.
I said, who?
He said, Lil Yummys.
Look up, Google Lil Yummy.
Lil Yummy was an 11-year-old murderer.
Wow.
And you look at his picture, you'll see the headshot of him, and he's like this.
And he got murdered at 11 by a 14-year-old.
Wow.
Who's doing life now, and a 16-year-old.
That makes no sense.
You blame the system?
Where was his father?
Uh-oh.
I mean, it's a good point, and here's actually a picture of Little Yummy.
That's an 11-year-old?
Yeah.
It's a tough 11 years.
So they're not locking up 7-year-olds, they're locking up 11-year-olds in Chicago.
Yeah.
Well, he's dead.
They locked up the 14-year-olds.
But he's right!
87% of kids in Detroit don't have dads.
I know, it's very sad.
And I mean, it comes down to, unfortunately, a lot of democratic laws and stuff that they put forward to build kind of a welfare system.
Well, and the inability to say something that's true and not be afraid, right?
Because, look, I don't care what the race is that we're talking about, the person.
I could care less.
I could see a stat sheet and just look at it and go, hey, anytime there's not a father in the home, it's a problem, so let's address that issue.
Let's address that issue to the best of our ability, and if it affects one community more than another, so be it.
That's fine.
I'm not making a statement on the community.
I'm not trying to say, see, we're better than you.
I'm just saying... It applies to anybody that has a lack in the home.
But it takes a Denzel Washington saying that.
He can say it.
Dave, you can say it, because you're Irish.
Yeah, I'm Irish.
Well, and it's St.
Patrick's Day.
My dad's dad left the day he was born.
Happy St.
Patrick's Day, Irish.
We were the original scumbag fathers.
We were here before you!
I've never met my grandpa.
I didn't.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, I met the guy who raised him.
That's who was my grandpa.
I never met Tim O'Leave for cigarettes.
But honey, I'm giving birth.
I know I really need a smoke.
Yeah, I got to go though.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna go get somebody else pregnant.
Going for some potatoes.
Whack the boy with the shillelagh.
Yes, I'm gonna go get myself some french fries and impregnate another whore.
I feel like my job is done here.
I've been a father for eight minutes, that's all you need.
Okay, bye-bye.
Yeah, I think in any community that's part of it, and the problem is maybe there is a systemic problem because of what Democrats have put in place, especially in Detroit.
I totally understand there's a systemic thing to blame, but you have to fight the right system.
You can't just fight this whole narrative that CNN and all these other shows are telling
you that that's what you should believe, is it's this entire group of people that hate
you.
It's not the reality.
No, and I think something that I was talking to a friend yesterday at lunch, I said, some
people don't know where we come from when we go after a Tess Holliday or when we go
after somebody on the left for doing something that we vehemently disagree with.
We're not going after somebody who's overweight, right?
We're not going after somebody who's having a problem with gender identity or something like that.
We're going after people who say that those things are healthy and good and that kids underage should be given things that will alter their life forever.
Right?
We're going after people who say sexualization in the classroom for a five and six year old is totally appropriate.
That's what we're going after.
We're going after people trying to make this the norm.
And it takes some intellect to get the humor.
Yeah.
The left has to suspend that, really, to, you know, take us on for it.
Right.
They're ignoring the fact that we're using humor to To highlight those points.
Well, sometimes that's the only way you can get it across.
If you don't point out what's funny about it, it's kind of hard for people to grasp it as being ridiculous.
But this idea of marrying women to the state for a check and a man better not be in the household, that's how this got started.
Absolutely.
And it was not good to have a guy around.
Well, no, and that's what sucks, is you dangle money in front of somebody who's poor.
I mean, a lot of people don't know what it feels like to be poor.
Buy votes from a group of people.
Yeah, and it's sad.
And I mean, you look at somebody like Denzel, who excelled in his field, worked very hard, and is arguably the best living actor, I'd probably say, you know, at least in the top five.
Yeah, he's definitely up there.
Yeah, I mean, if he's in a movie, I'm gonna watch it.
Yeah.
So, you know, I think it's good that he makes that point, and that's not a racist point.
That's a point I think he's making out of love and experience.
Just my opinion.
Yeah.
It's a solid opinion, Dave.
Thank you.
It's very solid, yes.
Thank you.
I like to be rock hard.
Great.
Gigantic opinion, Dave.
Giant, throbbing opinion.
Here's what I... what?
Interview with the Griot?
What?
He gave an interview with The Griot, which I have no idea what that is.
I don't either.
It's a publication of sorts.
That was the one.
Right.
Do you want me to read the quote there?
You go ahead.
Yeah, I'll read the quote.
It starts in the home.
If the father is not in the home, the boy will find a father in the streets.
I saw it in my generation and every generation before me and every one since.
If the streets raise you, then the judge becomes your mother and prison becomes your home.
That is proof.
I'll say though, as somebody who, like, I didn't lose my dad until I was 18, but he was out of the house a lot for surgeries and stuff starting at 14.
Right.
So my mom wasn't there.
And I did turn to the streets.
Yeah, I turned to the streets and I became a drug addict and I was in a lot of violent situations.
And it was it's dangerous to be in that and it's like I had a very good upbringing and a very loving home and sometimes there's just stuff that you can't help and it's like I I have sympathy for a lot of people but it's like you have to you have to fight it you have to keep pushing yeah absolutely so um but more on that later so if a bad seed like you yeah make it then Look, if a scumbag like me can pull himself up by the bootstraps, I've done stuff that ain't right.
It haunts me every day.
Have you apologized?
Have you sought forgiveness?
We call it make amends.
Make amends.
And I have made amends with a lot of people, although I did see one girl, I didn't like, it wasn't like, I was drinking and driving and I hit her car and drove away.
Anyway, so I saw her years... speaking of drunk driving...
Did she heal?
I mean...
She wasn't in it.
It was that story where there was a bow on it for her Christmas birthday or whatever.
But I did see...
Hit a car wrapped in a bow.
Yes.
It's a horrible place.
There's a lot of people.
There's so many people I have to apologize for, I just don't have the time to find them.
But I've done most of it.
Can you do a mass apology?
Like, hey, I probably did something.
If you knew me when I was drinking, And you're not one specific cop.
I'm very sorry.
If you are that cop, I am not sorry.
I'm not sorry.
At all.
He was a prick who the other cops hated.
Yeah.
Hated him.
We all feel we know this cop.
Yeah.
Through you, you know?
Oh, he's the worst.
I just want to say his name and be like, I know, because you get sued.
Well, is he still in the force?
I don't know.
I hope not.
I could do some research.
I hope it was a... I hope he was uh... I don't want to say.
Don't do it. Dismissed. Dismissed as of.
I hope he was fired.
Fired for being bad at his job.
There was one cop, though, that was kind of a jerk, and he beat his wife and pulled a gun on her, and I was like, ha, the guy arrested me.
How you like them apples?
Oh, he got arrested?
Yeah.
Then he was your cellmate.
Yep.
Yeah, well... And he made... The beatings continued.
He found a new wife.
He loved me.
So it's... Yeah, he, uh... Honey, I'm home!
Yeah, but other than that guy... He threw me down a staircase and hit me with nightsticks.
Did you deserve it?
No, I was hiding in a closet.
Stop resisting arresting.
And I have been for years.
Did you deserve it?
No, I was hiding in the closet because I didn't want to get arrested again.
And my friends, this is a good St.
Paddy's Day drinking story.
It may have even been St.
Paddy's Day to be honest with you.
I was hiding in a closet underneath a pile of clothes at my brother's girlfriend's house.
And the police came in the room, but there was another girl hiding, it was like this nerdy hot girl, and she's like, and all I hear is like, she's like, is anybody here?
I'm like, I am.
She's like, who is it?
I'm like, a pile of laundry.
Shut up.
Nobody needs to know we're in here.
So the cops come in and they drag her out from under the bed like the movie Taken.
And then they don't say, now they're gone, it's been like 15 minutes, and somebody walks in and I go, who's there?
And it's the same cop who goes, I am.
And then the cops pulled the laundry off me like I was E.T.
and walked me to the edge of the stairs and shoved me down a staircase.
Oh, well.
While a sea of white people chanted, and some black people were there too, obviously, but it's Detroit, but it was mostly white people.
Chanting, Rodney King, Rodney King, Rodney King.
And they're all like, you saw that he fell.
And they're like, no, no.
Everybody's like, nah, you shoved him.
We all watched it.
No smartphones, so no cameras.
No, no cameras.
No body cam on the cops.
Threw me down the stairs.
I got arrested.
In the car, I was able to get the girl's phone number, by the way.
Did you really?
Yeah, I was like.
You're like, you know, I like the cut of your jib.
You were arrested.
You got thrown downstairs.
You're my guy.
I always had a pen, and it was not to write.
It was to clean out bowls.
So I pulled that out and she was cuffed in the front I was cuffed in the back and she wrote her number on the back of my hand so then when I explained what happened to my my mom she's like well we'll just call everybody and turns out nobody was at the party it was just me I was just you yeah just me and she did get off actually because she's rich and I was charged with minor in possession and attending an underage drinking party Huh?
Did you get a date at all?
No, I called, and the dad goes, who is this?
And I said my name.
And he goes, the one that was arrested with my daughter?
And I go, yeah.
And he goes, don't ever call here again.
And he hung up.
And I was like, ah, swing and a miss.
So hiding in dirty laundry is not considered evading arrest?
Uh, they didn't charge me with it.
Only if you're quiet, it's okay.
Yeah, once they throw you down the stairs, they're kinda like, eh, we can't charge them with everything.
I wouldn't have said who's there for another day and a half.
Why did you think?
You had to call out to the authorities.
Well, I was hammered.
He was still drunk and he thought, I must be safe now, it's been three seconds.
To be honest, I had wanted something to drink.
Hey, speaking of St.
Patrick's Day news, this comes from Angela, breaking news from the Eta Bay, so that leprechaun that we talked about earlier in the show, we actually found in Chicago.
Really?
And it's none other than Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.
Oh my goodness!
I knew it was her!
Gosh, E.T.!
Oh boy.
Thinks she could look better, but that green bowler, it sets it off.
Oh, she grants wishes, but it doesn't come true the way you think it would.
It becomes a real nightmare.
People in Chicago are just hoping not to die on St.
Patrick's Day by being shot.
Oh, that is her.
It's me, the black leprechaun.
Welcome to Chicago.
Enjoy getting hit by a bullet driving through.
Here's your bulletproof vest.
Yes, it's hell here.
Look at that whimsical green river.
Have you seen Ukraine?
It's a lot like that.
Our murder rate is going up diddly dee.
It's not Russians though.
All the bodies floating in the green river.
Ah, they have green blood.
I love that too.
They're like, is the green river hurting?
Is putting the green into the river hurting the environment?
It's like, there's bullet casings everywhere.
Let's not worry about dye.
Yeah, you're focusing on food dye?
Really?
Right.
It would be green anyway, just from the vomit.
Actually, it's normally red, but... Yes.
We put some blue in it, it made it green.
Who cares if it's green?
There's a lot of... I don't even know if there are Irish in Chicago anymore.
Yes, of course there are.
There's none.
I read it.
I went to the St.
Paddy's Day Parade in Cleveland.
A lot over there too.
Are they still doing the parades?
Yeah.
So now that COVID is kind of subsiding, they're like, come on out.
Pretty much.
I'm not sure why the Irish decided to settle in the wonderful places.
You made it to the land of the free and the home of the brave and you chose Pittsburgh and Cleveland.
It's still the third largest city in the country.
I'll bet Dallas overtakes it in the next cent.
Yeah, probably.
I wonder what the floats for the parade are, like just a giant Alcoholics Anonymous book.
One's just a guy binge drinking, another guy leaving his family, one guy just hitting a woman, two dudes in a bar fight.
You're like, this is the most racist holiday imaginable.
Fantastic, I'll go get another drink.
Come see my meat and potatoes.
Oh, this is a potato famine float where they eat the babies.
Get a load of my shillelagh.
Yes, they had to eat their pets and their loved ones.
Alright, this is the Five Corners.
That's so racist.
It's more racist than anything I just thought of.
Hey, what's Irish?
Sugary cereal with a leprechaun on it?
Oh boy.
Never liked it.
I was more of a Captain Crunch guy, but that's, you know, before your time, I guess.
Was it?
I liked the... was it horseshoes, marshmallows, empty whiskey bottles?
What were they?
Prison shackles.
Paddy wagons.
Another entirely racist term that a lot of people don't realize.
Yeah, the paddy wagon is because... Of the Irish.
All right, so to tell you this though, I'm excited to announce this.
Steven Crowder, the host of this show who's out today, planning a change of my mind.
Yeah, baby.
He and I will be on tour.
Go to louderwithcrowder.com slash tour.
You can also see me Friday, April 8th at the Geraldo Theater in Juliet, Illinois.
Yay!
At Joliet, whatever it's called.
Joliet!
Joliet, Illinois, on Saturday, April 9th.
And the Hennessy Theater.
No, the Genesee Theater in Waukegan, Illinois.
Come out to those shows, it's gonna be a lot of fun.
And also I'm on this new thing called ShoutOut.
It's an app where, like, you can...
You wish happy birthday, Merry Christmas, happy divorce, sorry about Joe Biden smelling your kid, whatever you want to put on there, there's lots of fun people on there including myself and I just thought I'd mention that, it's a fun platform.
I wanted to mention the dates, too.
May 14th in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
There's still a handful of tickets left for that, and then we added that second show in Colorado Springs because you guys, the Pikes Peak Theatre.
Yeah, we actually were able to add a second show.
That is the popularity of Stephen C. Get it done.
I'm just on the coattails, baby.
Comedy's funnier at altitude.
It is, it's true.
Marijuana's legal there too.
So I smelled it everywhere I went when I was in Denver.
In Colorado?
I know.
What?
Wait, my stars!
I didn't know.
I lived in Boulder for a little while.
Did you really?
Yeah, I don't remember much.
Well, that's just because you walked outside and took a deep breath.
I may have started the fires in, uh, 2002.
Rocky Mountain High means something a little different now.
I guess it was very dry there, and you shouldn't flick cigarettes on the drive.
Well, especially not repeatedly, Dave.
Like, why were you lighting them and flicking them?
A lady stopped my car, and my friend was driving, and just reamed me, and I was like, I'm sorry, I didn't know the whole thing was kindling.
Well... And then later it was burning, but I'm like, that couldn't have been me.
That's a coincidence.
Yeah, no big deal.
Speaking of, uh, Hurting people.
Mike Tyson and marijuana.
Uh-huh.
That's what I should have segued with.
Marijuana.
I was setting you up there.
I should have gone hurting people.
I like Mike Tyson.
I just want to say that so he doesn't hurt me.
The 2022 Mike Tyson.
Wonderful.
Very different.
Very soft.
Oh, you don't like the 1988 fresh out of the ghettos?
No.
Beat you until you scream.
Do you remember that old... Want to make orphans out of his children.
Do you remember the... What was it?
It was the old Rob Schimel joke because it used to be like, would you take a punch from Mike Tyson for a million dollars?
No.
He's like, for a million dollars, I would fillet him in front of my parents.
Ha ha!
No, the answer is no.
No, I would not.
Well, I'd take a punch from Mike Tyson for a million dollars.
Never.
Oh, I would.
I'd be dead.
Exactly.
That's my point.
It'd be brain bleeding, but I could leave my child with something.
Ah, yes.
We just talked about fathers, Dave.
Well, I've been there for most of it.
You've only gone out for a pack of cigarettes twice.
I haven't smoked in 10 years, buddy.
Thank you.
Ever since I had my first kid, I don't acknowledge.
Mike Tyson is launching a new marijuana edible called Tyson Bites shaped like ears.
It just makes nonsense.
I hope they're shaped like Holyfield's ears.
Well, no, they even have little bites taken out of them.
Oh, do they really?
Are you serious?
Wow.
I bet it is the strongest marijuana in the entire world.
It's probably not even marijuana.
And it's probably got like a delay so that you eat another one and like, ah, it just didn't happen.
Oh, it didn't work.
And then later, like, what is it?
Oh, look at that.
How pissed is Holyfield?
Those look more like wrestler ears.
Yeah, they really do.
Yeah, like the cauliflower?
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Oh, that's so gross.
No offense if you have cauliflower ear, but I don't want to look at you.
You definitely do not want to offend people with cauliflower ears.
I know, I'm joking.
Those are the last people.
I'm completely kidding.
They tend to earn those, you know?
I have good friends with cauliflower.
Many of my friends, cauliflower-eared friends.
Yeah, but could you not wear the protective plastic things they have that make you look like even more of an idiot?
What?
If you're sitting there wrestling a man in a leotard, you want to look gay?
Hold on, make sure you get to full mount.
Yeah, get to full mount.
I'm not wearing those ear things though.
Get to full mount and stick your hooks in.
That looks ridiculous.
I'd love to go north-south with you.
Let me grind on a high school competitor.
It's funny that all the janitors come out to watch our practice.
And it's a sport they measure in riding time.
I love fake wrestling.
I never, ever liked it.
You're offending Brodigan right now, Dan.
Why?
Real wrestling.
Brodigan loves WWE.
So do I. I'm going to Wrestlemania for the first time this year.
Really?
I've been to Smackdown.
Have you?
I'm taking my son to Wrestlemania.
So these are different Smackdown and Wrestlemania titles?
Yeah.
Wrestlemania is the biggest event.
That was the one that was at the Pontiac Silverdome.
I actually went to that.
I saw Andre the Giant fight Hulk Hogan in Detroit.
The final time?
It was not at Pontiac, though.
I think it was at Joe Louis Arena or Cobo Hall, I think.
No, the Silverdome.
Okay.
It was the Silverdome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, they might have done it another time, but they did the WrestleMania 2 or 3 was done at the Pontiac Silverdome.
Wow.
That's still the record, I think.
Yeah, it was still like the biggest watch won.
And then, yeah, Andre the Giant would drink like two-fifths.
And Jake the Snake talked about how he had three-fifths one day and he fell backwards.
And he was supposed to just kind of not land on Jake the Snake's chest, but instead he landed directly on Jake the Snake's chest, which destroyed every bone in his body.
Oh wow.
And that's how he got addicted to painkillers.
Well, then he became a real snake.
Like, you get rid of the bones and you can move.
Yeah, well he said he didn't.
One of the funniest things he says, I saw him do it the show live and he's like, I didn't like snakes.
And he's just covered in snake bites.
And he kept, he kept letting them loose in Diamond Dallas's Paige's house.
Like trying to get him sober.
So like every three weeks he's got to rip out his walls to find a boa constrictor because the crackhead in one of the rooms can't keep a snake in a bag.
You know, Brodigan's weird.
He likes the fake wrestling, but he likes UFC, too, which is completely real.
Yeah, that's totally real.
Well, I mean, there's definitely a very realness to wrestling.
I mean, that's some rock-hard mats.
Oh, no, the athleticism you have to acknowledge.
Anyone that's ever played a sport, these guys are serious athletes.
I don't care if the fight is fake.
Very good athletes.
Yeah, Chris Benoit had the brain of an 80-year-old Alzheimer's patient when he took his family out.
Oh, which is just slightly smarter than Joe Biden.
Look out, Jill.
Speaking of smart people.
Please, if he was going to go after anybody, Hunter would already.
Anyways, every time he sees a picture of Bo, wrong kid, dad.
Oh, what?
You don't agree?
All right.
Let's talk about meth.
And Florida.
I needed to say that.
Let's talk about meth.
When I said meth, you didn't immediately think Florida.
This is fun.
Have you done meth?
No, no.
Ever?
I've seen Breaking Bad though, so I feel like I know.
You want to do some?
No.
I got a recipe.
No glass, please.
You sure?
None.
Nine!
I'm pretty good at it.
Have you done meth?
I haven't.
You know, in my day, mescaline was the thing.
What was mescaline?
Was it?
No, no.
That's like an acid thing.
Yeah.
That was the rage in my high school.
Peyote's a cactus.
Mescaline is... I forget what it was, but yeah, we used to do mescaline.
It was fun.
Oh yeah, I brought it up for you now.
Yeah, yeah.
Terrible.
Oh, those were good days.
No.
No, Dave.
They were, though.
Those were throw-down-the-stairs days.
No, that was drunk.
Oh.
When I was on a trip, I enjoyed my time.
Terrible.
Not all the time.
When I tripped for seven days, I didn't.
That's a different story altogether.
I thought I... I don't know if I came back from it or just got used to it.
Who knows?
Anyway.
According to Hern- is this Hernando?
Alright.
According to Hernando County Sheriff's Office, Thomas Eugene Colucci made an emergency call last Thursday to have his meth tested for authenticity.
The man called 911 to make sure his crank was real.
Apparently this good Samaritan told deputies he wanted it tested because he did not want other people to purchase the fake meth.
Can you imagine?
That would be chaos.
Deputies happily obliged.
The Sheriff's Department said if a person has any doubts about the authenticity of any illegal narcotics, you have on- And, or have obtained from another person, the Hernando County Sheriff's Office is pleased to provide this service free of charge.
But he was Irish, and so it's totally fine.
I just love that.
This isn't the first time, there was actually another guy, it was a cop who took weed brownies from an evidence locker, and then he's on the phone like, I'm so hot, I think I'm gonna die, like he called the cops on himself.
After eating weed from an evidence locker.
But that brings us to today's sponsor.
Hold on.
Opioids.
After I blew up my knee playing high school football, I never thought I'd live pain-free ever again.
Giving birth to triplets and injuring my back getting rear-ended by a drunk driver.
I figured soreness and irritation were just a part of life.
I just needed to escape the daily hell that I call life.
Oh, and I had some minor foot pain.
I think that's the guy that rear-ended me.
Yeah, it is.
After my fourth DUI, I was court-ordered to never drink again.
And now I have a scram tether that monitors my alcohol intake 24-7.
But then my doctor told me about opioids.
He said they'd take my pain away for good.
And now I don't suffer, because I got a bottle of 60 warm hugs from God.
Now that I don't have any pain, I can catch anything that life throws at me.
I don't hurt anymore, and now my three kids have a hard time keeping up with me.
When I run out of my medicine, the agony returns, and then I have to do pretty sinful things to get over it.
There's only supposed to be one of you guys.
Thanks for watching.
My doctor said I'm too pretty to get addicted.
Opioids should only be used as medically prescribed.
They may cause nausea, headache, constipation, anal discharge, crocodile tears, addiction, cult leading, hair lifts, suicide, homicide, clowning around with the fellas, and in rare, but fairly often cases, death.
Ask your doctor about opioids today.
Opioids.
Because you're not on heroin...
yet.
Opioids.
Opioids.
Now available in chewable tablets.
Be sure to keep them around the house if you have young ones with a loosened top next to your gun.
All right.
Listen.
Now we're back.
By the way, if you ever have a problem with any stolen opioids or somebody else's prescription and you want to know if it's real, genuine product, just call the police.
Yes, that's the best thing to do.
They will verify it for you.
Absolutely.
Or just take it.
No, don't take it.
There's a good way to identify if it's fake.
It's if you're high or not.
Just throwing it out there.
You're taking them for pain?
We get it.
Yes.
By prescription only, though.
You know what the opposite of pain is?
What's that?
Me at the Hartford Funnybone this weekend.
Shameless.
Shameless.
I love the cash register sound.
But seriously, come on.
I'd love to meet the fans.
I like you guys.
Yeah.
You're giving out free opioids.
Yeah.
Don't say that.
You know, there will be a line.
The tickets will sell out right now.
Well, I'd like to welcome to the show Lane the Brain.
Glad to be back.
I can't hear you at all.
Glad to be back.
You should lift that up.
Did you comically put it this low from him?
One of these days we'll have a budget for a real audio guy.
That's set up for me.
You're a tall glass of water.
Yeah.
I'll just project a little bit.
There you go.
I like the cut of your jib.
Right here.
There you go.
Excellent.
It's a sailing reference.
Anyway, thanks for having me back.
I do appreciate it.
I appreciate you coming on, my friend.
Daryl, thank you for letting me return.
You know, after last time's performance, I think you needed a minute.
So I just wanted to make sure.
I was the one that needed a minute.
Let's keep it friendly, right?
Darren and I, we can just go into Detroit Stories if that gets too heavy.
Russian and Taiwan documents, that's what we're going to talk about.
An alleged Russian intel leak claimed that China had planned a fall invasion of Taiwan.
I should read these before.
Before Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
Let me read that again more professionally.
An alleged Russian intel leak claimed that China had planned a fall invasion of Taiwan before Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
Thank you.
Basically, was this China being a little pissed off at Russia that they beat them to the punch?
Probably.
Yes, sort of.
I mean, from what I can tell, the foreign ministry in Taiwan can't actually back up that this document is legitimate.
The source is legitimate, but they haven't confirmed it.
This was run in Newsweek, right, as a story.
Yeah, this just ran yesterday.
So we can totally trust that it's 100%.
No, it's that the speculation was just a little more interesting, the conversation that it brought up.
Not necessarily that we're saying this is absolutely true.
Well, yeah, the document is said to be written by an anonymous analyst with Russia's Federal Security Service, calling himself Wind of Change.
Is that?
That wasn't like the first tip-off.
Is that a song?
Isn't Wind of Change a song?
Yes, I think there is.
Find the Wind of Change.
I want to know why they call themselves that.
I feel like that... That's not even like a threatening song.
That legitimized it to me because that sounds like a name like a Russian would come up with.
Really?
Oh, they're like, this is cool.
The Westerners like names.
He's like, we are spin doctors.
Winds of Change?
Yeah.
80s or 90s?
It's very, yeah, I think it's very ballady.
It is.
I know the song in my head.
It's by Scorpions.
Yeah!
But it's their ballad, right?
Yeah!
Look at that imagery!
This is when the androgynous look should have stopped.
Look at that imagery.
The song came on.
This is when the androgynous look should have stopped.
Right, yeah.
I think this is in a lot of commercials, right?
Oh, I know this.
Sparklers, leather hat.
Listen to the wind.
I'm a little bit of a fan of the wind.
Beautiful.
I know the song!
I told you!
Well, yeah, it's Scorpions.
Yeah, I just didn't know that.
I didn't know it was the... I forgot it was Scorpions.
I don't know what that word... Donkey Kong or Donkey Conqueror... What is he saying there?
I think I'm gonna go see them live as soon as I get free tickets and a gas station.
You ever see that?
You get your time machine to go back and see them when they're at their peak.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's the one I'm gonna pick.
Scorpions.
If you cut the coupon off the back of a milk carton.
They're rockin' like a hurricane, right?
Yeah.
No, they are... How dare you?
Rockin' like a hurricane is... How dare you?
That's Whitesnake, right?
No, that's Scorpion.
Rock me like a hurricane is Scorpion?
Yeah.
Wow, you're right.
Good call.
I feel like we're being a little judgmental here.
No, no, I wasn't.
Rock you like a hurricane.
Rock you like a hurricane.
Well, now it's semantics.
Now it's semantics.
It's the song.
What was the band?
That's a hockey song.
The Great White was the band that was like, hey, I don't think we need a fire exit.
All right.
Or this asbestos curtain behind us.
Totally fine.
Let's keep that there.
Who plays a 200-seater and goes pyrotechnics is going to be a good idea?
There's one exit.
Yeah.
Well, let's see if everybody can fit out at the same time.
Oh, no, I guess the band can leave, though.
Sure, you're permanently scarred from burns, but you got to see Whitesnake.
It's a trade-off.
So talk to me a little bit more about this story.
People are saying that China had a plan to invade Taiwan this fall, but that plan kind of got derailed by Russia invading Ukraine.
Why would that derail the plan if China really wanted to go at Taiwan in the fall?
I don't think it's necessarily saying it derailed it, other than it... From what I'm gathering from the document and from how the Chinese responded to the invasion, is what they've been seeing so far has made them reconsider any plans that they might have had.
What, like, by Ukrainians holding their ground against Russia?
Yes, because... Are they that worried that their military can't...
So I think what has probably, and what has probably, I guess, unnerved the Chinese the most is seeing kind of the Western unified response to the Ukraine situation.
And that's not a military intervention, but it's every single country in Europe, North America, well, Canada, the United States, and then the Eastern European or Eastern Asian countries like Japan, South Korea, Taiwan.
Everyone's on the same page.
Right.
And I don't think China really saw that kind of cohesive response happening.
Gotcha.
I don't think that they thought that was happening.
Okay, but they are seeing that they're not doing anything, right?
Militarily, like, Russia is still there fighting now.
They say that the attack is stalled, but they're not, the world is not, like, sending, like, their soldiers.
Right.
And, again, I think this is kind of a counterintuitive point, that you would think, okay, the United States, the West isn't doing anything, that makes China realize, oh, well, we can get away with doing what we want now.
I would actually argue the opposite and say that this is actually showing a lot of restraint on the US's part because I think they understand that we have to allocate resources and those need to be allocated towards Asia because it's just much more important to us.
I have no doubt Hold on, hold on.
So is this the Minister of Foreign Affairs?
Did we say this already?
Joseph Wu said he couldn't authenticate the document.
But hey, Pops Crowder, the stance of the Biden administration, if you're a world leader, does that make you think twice?
You might as well be speaking French.
Said he couldn't authenticate the document, but hey, Pop Scrouter, the stance of the Biden
administration, does that, if you're a world leader, does that make you think twice?
Or are you like, this guy's a weakling?
He's a weakling.
I think everyone agrees.
I understand where you're coming from but I don't know that China is making any changes based on the global response to Ukraine because I get that financially it can hurt people.
This is a sketch of Gerald.
I think both things can be true though.
Biden can be weak but the The world response is very real.
It is, for sure.
Almost trying to fill a void where Biden is left.
I think this is a little bit different story.
I agree and disagree with you at the same time.
I agree in that you're right, the world response does have some kind of an impact.
But this is China saying, Taiwan left us basically just seceded from China, essentially, originally.
That's essentially what happened, right?
That's not what happened!
That's what the Communist Party would say happened.
That's what they're saying happened, right?
So that would be the story that they would put to the rest of the world, and all we're doing is taking back what is ours.
That's not what's going on, really, as much in Russia-Ukraine.
There's obviously the former Soviet Union, and I understand that, and there's Russian-speaking people in kind of the eastern part, or people that maybe identify more with Russia and Ukraine, But he's not going back over there just to say Ukraine needs to be reunited, he's going back over there because he thinks he needs a buffer between them and NATO.
Sure.
Right?
So that's a little different story, right?
So, I don't know that China looks at this and goes, ah, we were gonna do this, because economically, China can put the screws to the world, Russia cannot.
True, but I think there was an interesting tweet that came out yesterday and I actually sent this to Gibbon that really goes to my point.
I think what China would have liked to see happen more than anything is the United States to get involved militarily in this conflict.
I think that would have been their idea.
Why?
Because what does that do?
It bogs down the United States military.
It takes resources, it takes attention, it takes focus away from what would be their theater, which is the South Pacific.
Yeah.
But US military doctrine is basically saying we can fight two full-scale Iraqi wars, Iraq-sized conflicts at the same time.
That's our readiness doctrine from the last time that I saw it, right?
So we should be able to do something like that.
We should also be able to kill Dave for drawing me.
Add on.
But anyway, I think we understand that we've had this concern about Taiwan for a little while.
You think the world response is slowing down China.
I think it may a little bit, but if they want to go, they're going to go.
Right.
I agree they're going to go anyway, but I think they're going to have to delay whatever that timetable was and figure out a few more things.
They're going to do it sometime in the next 20 years.
years. Well and this is actually interesting because Ukrainian
people a lot of times were standing and fighting but a lot of people had to be
ordered to stay the men but according to new polling 70% of Taiwanese are now
willing to stay and fight for their country and that's pretty good right up
from 30% compared to a poll administer before Russia's invasion of Ukraine so
maybe that made it a little harder where they're like yeah we're
And so maybe now China's like, well, if 70% are going to stay and fight, I mean, we'll just keep stealing technology and be fine over here.
I was just guessing, Darren, but it turns out I was right.
I think we get the Chinese psyche from this tweet.
I want to read it real quick, if you could pull that back up, because it's really interesting.
This is from the Global Times, a journalist at the Global Times.
Can you read it in Mandarin for us?
I think it's written in English, because the Global Times is an English propaganda outlet.
After Zelensky's speech to Congress yesterday, and the Congress got up and clapped, you know everything, I can't... Put it back up.
Thank you.
So, the Global Times responded... Just applause?
It's hypocritical.
If the U.S.
really wants to show justice, it should send troops to Ukraine, or at least set up a no-fly zone, and fight Putin's troops directly, even if that means the sacrifice of U.S.
soldiers.
Don't just incite Ukrainians to die for American interests.
Why would they be pushing?
Why?
I think they want people to turn against the United States.
Sure, they also want the United States to be busy doing something else.
Like, I know you said our readiness doctrine says we should be able to fight two wars like Iraq, but we didn't.
At the same time.
And we couldn't even fight the one at the same time and win it.
So what makes us think we could fight a Europe, the two next leading military powers?
Troop deployment sizes.
We weren't trying to, like, take over a country in Iraq.
If we wanted to take over the country and win the war, we should have done that.
We were just trying to rebuild their economy and be nice guys, as Stephen said, we have done forever.
That was against third-rate goat herders in the Middle East.
Now we're talking about Russia and China.
Yeah, now we're talking about Russia and China, the two next biggest militaries in the world.
So I don't know why we would think we could be able to fight both those fronts.
China knows that too.
I wouldn't mind being a goat herder.
So I agree.
I completely agree with Darren.
Biden is weak.
This isn't defending him at all.
Hopefully we will have at least some... I'd like to think there's some intelligent people left in the government somewhere.
I know that's a stretch of the imagination.
It really is, yeah.
But I agree with you.
I'd like to see that.
I mean, that's the dream.
There's like two or three.
Could you guys make it more obvious that you're still there, please?
Oh, me?
No, no.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, there's none.
Well, they're being yelled over.
There's no way.
Well I hope it doesn't happen because I do think that, and you've said this too, if China does go into Taiwan, you've even felt that they've been emboldened by this previously, that they would be more apt to go into Taiwan after seeing the response to Russia going into Ukraine without sending troops, right?
If that happens, everybody says World War III is potentially now, I think that's definitely much more of a catalyst for World War III than this situation.
We mentioned it in this last thing I'll point out, just about how much more important it is.
Like, everything in here, there's a semiconductor in it, right?
Right.
Well, I mean, it's a text to me.
My suspenders have a.
Those are pretty high-tech looking.
I mean, they're nice.
They're top tier.
I made them this morning.
They're snappy.
Taiwan controls 63% of the semiconductor market in the world, and TSMC, one company, controls over half of all semiconductor production in the world.
And that's probably, outside of food, the most important resource that exists.
Food and oil, I would say.
Okay, so China attacking Taiwan, bad.
Terrible.
Okay, got it.
Worse than Russia attacking Ukraine.
I feel like I won again.
I don't know how you can think that, but that's cute.
This is Devil Gerald with a goatee.
See, Gerald, World War can be fun.
It really can, especially if you have... Now, if I shine a flashlight on that, will it disappear?
It might.
You have no idea what I could draw on this.
Alright, so we should probably wrap it up because... No, honestly, yes.
I have a question for both of you.
Let's say a Taiwan kid... Taiwan kid?
Taiwanese kid.
Is that a superhero?
Captain America and Taiwan kid?
I'm Taiwan kid, what are you here to do?
Still computers.
Have sex with businessmen for lots of money.
That's Thailand.
Oh, right.
Thailand boy.
I'm a power bottom.
Alright, so...
Taiwan though is what John Cena said didn't exist.
Yeah.
Well that's what China says is part of China.
Right.
So the world can't recognize them, the WHO can't recognize them,
we can't recognize their independence if we accept a gift from them,
or, I mean, there's just so many things that we do.
We've actually sent the fleet to the Straits many times to ward off conflict,
to let them know that we wouldn't let something happen.
I'm not sure how many times we've actually gone through it.
My question is far less intelligent.
What I'm wondering is if there's a Taiwanese boy... The lady boys, that's Thailand again.
A Taiwanese boy though.
He's in the Taiwanese St.
Jude's.
I don't know, St.
Rude's maybe they call it.
Would John Cena show up if his wish was to meet John Cena or we'd pretend that the country didn't exist?
He would pretend the country didn't exist and he would issue an apology for the boy asking for him to come and show up.
He would pull a reverse John Cena.
He'd be like, I can't see you.
Yeah.
And see?
That is how we find common ground.
And listen, I wish I couldn't see John Cena ever, ever, ever again.
Great question.
Not good.
Thank you for coming in, Lane.
I appreciate you laying the brain every day.
I agree, but let's keep having him back.
I agree.
I love when he comes in.
Give a round of applause.
Come on, guys.
Yeah!
The kids love him.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Man who looks like Hitler's wet dream.
Oh, he is.
And by Hitler, I mean me.
Okay, so anyway, you should go subscribe to Mug Club.
Honestly, it's not that much money.
You're not, you're better than what you think you are.
It's a great way to support the show.
And you know, the tech overlords don't really like us and you get some extra content.
We get to say all kinds of really offensive stuff behind the paywall.
Mostly Dave.
Mostly silly games.
Silly games, really.
It's a lot of fun.
Go behind the paywall.
And also, thank you for watching today.
We're gonna go to Mug Club.
But please, comment, comment, comment.
Hit the like button.
That's how we are able to get this show out and about.
Thank you again.
Happy St.
Paddy's Day.
Be safe.
Don't drink and drive too late.
And, uh... Ever.
Ever.
Ever.
I'm joking.
It's a joke.
I hate that all of YouTube is, I have to say, it's a joke.
Well, you're scared of getting cancelled.
Yeah!
Who knew?
Oh, I'm cancelled already.
I'm just afraid of getting banned.
▲
Export Selection