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Jan. 26, 2022 - Louder with Crowder
50:16
China REWRITES Hollywood Classics?! We Uncover Just How Deep It Goes! | Louder with Crowder
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Time Text
So you probably know that Wikipedia is the number one research tool portal in the world
with over 18 billion views a month.
But what if everything you thought you knew about Wikipedia was, um, was wrong?
I bet it is.
His channel has quote, some of the most overt racism of any of the shows I've ever looked
at.
Yeah.
By the power of Crowder Shop, I have the power!
Dave, you're not wearing pants.
Tis true.
Where'd Dave get those cool threads?
Wouldn't you like to know?
It's a mystery.
But you can start your treasure hunt at CrowderShop.com.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Browder Shop!
Up next is...
This is a video I made a few weeks ago. I'm not a fan of the music, but I'll try to make a video that's a little
different. I hope you enjoy!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Louder With Crowder with Dave!
Good morning, everybody.
Stephen is not here.
He is out.
I believe he's at Meat Loaf's wake.
And what we can do...
We're excited.
We already pulled off a live show today, obviously, Monday through Thursday, 10 a.m.
Eastern.
Remember, if we're booted from YouTube, the show goes on Rumble, Podcasts, Mug Club.
Mug Club.
You can watch them anywhere you want, right there.
See that, Rumble?
Nice point.
Yeah, it's a good point.
It's good.
Yeah, you pointed right at it.
That was very nice.
I was pretty good.
Yeah, you practiced that.
I'm getting a little better.
Thank you.
I was up all night making sure that point was good.
So I'm excited.
Also, today we got a lot of interesting stuff on the show.
What would you do if you were driving down the highway and saw a crate of monkeys just scattered, just crates all over the road?
Comment below, let us know what you would do to stop Or help.
Or hurt.
Or not.
Whatever you do.
Touch as many as possible.
Yeah.
I would look for Dustin Hoffman.
I would too.
I would be like, have you guys seen the Matt LeBlanc movie where one of you play baseball?
And then one would be biting me.
So we're excited to be here.
Don't forget to go to the merch store.
Boom.
Mug Club slash live chat.
That's in the merch store, maybe.
I don't know.
So you got Loud Earth Prouder merch store.
You get all kinds.
You get mugs.
You can get shirts.
If you subscribe, you get the mugs, and you get to buy the merch.
Yeah!
It's cool, like Best Dad Ever, you know?
Yeah, an Ahoy shirt really is the best one you can get, but if you want to get some... Well, Shark Tale.
Shark Tale's good.
I don't know if that's still on there, but there's limited time.
Shark Tale should be on there.
We'll be taking your live chat.
Yes, we'll be taking your live chat in Mug Club.
Yes, that was the slash live chat.
Oh, is that what it was?
Well, maybe tell me.
Well hey, how about this?
Dave, you're gonna be in a couple of places coming up, March 26th and April 9th, what do you have on that?
That's right!
Because you sold out Cuyahoga Falls!
Cuyahoga Falls either way!
It's sold out, and then Denver's getting close to that for the first week of February, but I will be in March 26th, the Victory Theater in Evansville, Indiana, and April 9th, the Genesee Theater Yeah, the Genesee.
Genesee.
Not Hennessy.
Different theater.
We got in trouble for that.
Genesee Theater in Waukegan, Illinois.
Beautiful city.
Yes.
Fantastic.
I believe Waukegan is the Chicago of the North.
Waukegan.
Where is this city we're talking about?
Lower Chicago.
Lower Chicago?
Waukegan?
Yeah.
I've vacationed three or four times.
What?
Yeah, easy, right?
It's a nice place to go.
What the hell are you guys talking about?
You've never been to Waukegan?
No!
Where is it?
It's a resort town outside Chicago.
I think you're full of crap.
Yeah, I think I am too.
Yeah, what is it?
Gary, Indiana?
Yeah, we go to Gary.
Nice resort town.
Yeah, you get to actually go to where the Jackson 5 came from and you can see the blood spatter from where Joe would hit his kids.
You'll be better at music for this.
I need you to dance in the sink.
Come here, Tito.
You're the weakest.
All right.
Pfizer's got a new vaccine.
Pfizer has, I don't know if you heard, started clinical trials on a new vaccine to combat the Omnicorp virus.
It's the variant.
Yay.
And I do trust them.
Let's be honest.
Who wouldn't at this point?
We got Lane the Brain here.
I didn't even introduce everybody.
Yeah, you didn't do that.
Did I?
Lane the Brain.
A little discouraging, but I'm back.
We'll go back.
We'll go back.
Gerald Day is here.
How are you, sir?
I'm great.
How about you?
I am doing fantastically well.
I'm a little miffed.
At the loser of our last debate that we allowed him back in the studio, but... I don't know about that.
That doesn't sound right.
I gotta say, it was close, guys.
It was close.
It was definitely close.
Was it?
He made some good points.
It was close.
Lane won.
What?!
Also, we got Token Nowin.
How you doing?
Ahoy.
Ahoy, ahoy!
There we go!
And ahoy to you all at home.
And we got Keegan.
He has no mic.
Oh, I just wanted to include you.
We did that on purpose, Dave, you know.
Why?
Well, the last time.
Is it the sunglasses?
Those are cool glasses.
I like them.
He'll sit in your chair again.
Well, that'll be a beating that other people do for me because I am a frail old man.
And also Tim the Tool Man, one of my favorite people.
How you doing today, baby?
Good, how are you?
Great!
We got Lane the Brain?
There you go.
So here we go.
What the hell was that?
What?
It's my new catchphrase.
Ah!
He says say ho, I go ahoy.
And you go what?
That's exactly what just happened.
Yes.
We do that.
That's how we do it.
It's how we roll guys.
Great.
Let's get on this.
Fantastic.
All right.
So we do have Pfizer's new vaccine, as we talked about, and I think it's important that we show that the, what do you call it, the vaccines and the several boosters have helped many people.
There's no doubt about that across the country.
We talk about it every day.
And there's no reason to not trust Big Pharma.
Yes, they may have used heroin and cough syrup for babies at some point.
Yes, cocaine may have been used for cough syrup and babies at some point.
But we do know that the opioid epidemic is somewhat in control because we don't hear about it anymore.
Nobody dies from that.
No, nobody.
And it's not as addictive as it used to be, I've read.
Read?
Yeah, I don't know if it's true.
In the libraries, in the books.
No, no.
Well, I didn't read it.
The guy who sold them to me told me that.
So what I have here is our brand new sponsor, Opioids.
We'd like to thank Big Pharma for coming out to the show and sponsoring us with opioids.
Very popular in the Upper Midwest.
Very.
After I blew up my knee playing high school football, I never thought I'd live pain-free ever again.
Giving birth to triplets and injuring my back getting rear-ended by a drunk driver.
I figured soreness and irritation were just a part of life.
I just needed to escape the daily hell that I call life.
Oh, and I had some minor foot pain.
I think that's the guy that rear-ended me.
Yeah, it is.
After my fourth DUI, I was court ordered to never drink again.
And now I have a scram tether that monitors my alcohol intake 24-7.
But then my doctor told me about opioids.
He said they take my pain away for good.
And now I don't suffer because I got a bottle of 60 warm hugs from God.
Now that I don't have any pain, I can catch anything that life throws at me.
I don't hurt anymore.
And now my three kids have a hard time keeping up with me.
When I run out of my medicine, the agony returns.
And then I have to do pretty sinful things to get more.
There's only supposed to be one of you guys.
My doctor said I'm too pretty to get addicted.
Opioids should only be used as medically prescribed.
They may cause nausea, headache, constipation, anal discharge, crocodile tears, addiction, cult leading, hair lifts, suicide, homicide, clowning around with the fellas, and in rare, but fairly often cases, death.
Ask your doctor about opioids today.
Opioids.
Because you're not on heroin... yet.
Fuck you, you hear her?
Fuck you!
Opioids.
Get them prescribed for anything from knee pain to depression.
Available at your local pharmacy or doctor who has a loose script pad.
Glad we have creative control for all of our sponsors.
Well, I just think it's important that they get back out there in the public.
Big Opioid has been really good to work with, though.
They really have been.
They've been cool.
I like the sample packs they give me.
Strawberry.
I really do like the strawberry.
You know what they call you, Dave?
A frequent flyer.
That's true.
I like that they tell you which opioids to take.
They're like, these ones are for driving, these ones are for babysitting.
Oh gosh.
So, are we still on YouTube?
We should be.
Yeah, we're good.
I mean, it's a sponsor.
It's a sponsor.
We're just trying to say how great Big Pharma is.
Well, yeah, everybody else is saying it.
From opioids to vaccines, they've done good things.
They've done.
Come on now.
Cher?
Uh, you guys remember Cher?
Yeah.
No.
Still around?
If you could turn back time, you might.
What?
You don't remember Cher?
Wow.
Dave's got the best jokes.
Did you watch, uh, the movie Mermaids?
I didn't.
Yeah?
I watched The Little Mermaid one time.
Is she in that?
She's not in that, no.
No, she's- You ugly!
She's far more attractive.
But I mean, Cher is 75 years young and says she's looking good and finally ready to share her fitness regimen with the world.
So here is a clip from her new workout video.
D-O-N-K-E-Y-Y-Y-Y I can dance with my whole crew
I can shake my dorky behind Like this
I got Chuck in my trunk The crew with the funk
And I'm having a real good time Let's kick it
Oh my gosh, that's almost as good as Sonny Bono's ski tutorials.
Yeah, that's a good one.
That's how I learned to do it.
Or Chaz Bono's how to make a penis out of ass fat.
Ah!
That is a great video.
Didn't know that was possible.
Did you know that?
It's in my home collection.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
I mean...
I added it to my watch list.
I'll get there.
They're all on tape.
I got the hard copy.
Oh, really?
I have a soft one.
In related news, actress Sarah Jessica Parker, you know her, SJP, she's also,
because she's getting a little older but still good looking, so she's also decided to put out an exercise program as
well.
Clip clopping to the oldies.
That's what it is.
I believe she's on what's called a Gallopon.
That's terrible.
I didn't know that 1-800 number was still available, man.
I gotta tell you, what's funny is I guess Mr. Big on the new Sex and the City dies on a Peloton.
Does he?
Yeah, like the first episode.
You know why, right?
Because he got me too'd.
He did.
He got me too'd and they're like, alright, we're gonna kill you on a Peloton.
Why would you go back to the show, though, where they're like, you're me too, but now we're gonna murder you, and it's like, that's cool, I'll come admit guilt.
Yeah, that's your penance.
How do you die on a peloton?
Uh, he had a heart attack.
Ah!
Well, that's good.
Well, what happened was he took a bunch of our sponsors.
That's all he took.
Not our other sponsor next to that sponsor.
No, no, no.
He was on our opioid sponsor mixed with our fentanyl sponsor, which will be on later this week.
It's called fentanyl.
We're not that bad.
Well, it'd kill you a little.
No, it's fentanyl for elephants.
It's not your fault if you take it.
We all know Sarah is married to Matthew Broderick.
I didn't.
And because he wants to jump on the same bandwagon, he is now putting out an educational series.
Oh, good for him.
Yep, it teaches driver's education.
Geez, was that him?
No, no, he killed a guy in Ireland.
What?
Yeah, with his car.
Is that real?
I think a couple.
Real?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he got off because he was in, you know, Ferris Bueller's Day Off or whatever, like sometimes... What do you say, Porsche?
Sometimes you gotta kill people.
Nothing less or whatever.
You gotta kill people.
It was an accident.
I mean, if you put the steering wheel on the right side, those people would still be alive today.
It's not wrong.
No!
Like, what are you laughing at?
That's correct.
That's correct.
If he was driving in the right lane, I mean, the Irish guy in his own country, and Matthew Broderick was driving in the right lane, whatever, you get it.
He really killed two people.
Yeah, he crashed head-on.
And I guess his car had airbags.
Ah.
I guess then it's not his fault.
Their car had a windshield.
Didn't Laura Bush kill somebody?
Wow.
Laura Bush, she's a guy with a car.
She's a long prison term for that?
Yeah, big, oh wait, no, not at all.
I actually prefer Bruce Jenner's Crash Course.
Whatever happened to him?
Oh!
Wait a minute.
He killed someone and became a woman.
Right, I forgot that he down-fired his way out of that one.
Classic American tale.
You know, just whatever you do, if you kill someone with a car, pretend you're your sister.
I think I've got some hunger pains, man.
You have been looking hungry.
Yeah, I am.
Why are you so hungry?
I told you earlier my stomach was grumbling.
I don't know if it was- You know what we have actually as a sponsor that is delicious, and I like them way more than opioids, is Bilt Bar.
Yes!
Have you had- my favorite, I gotta say, I like the mint chocolate, I like the coconut, what's yours?
Double chocolate.
You like the double chocolate?
I noticed you're holding up one of the very best One of the very best flavors ever.
The birthday... Lane... The birthday cake is the best.
Lane likes the birthday cake.
I taste tested every single one at least five times.
Oh, wow.
And then you put them back.
That's the weird part.
Well, I didn't wanna eat the whole thing.
He likes to share, Gerald.
That's not what I heard.
Sharing is caring.
You know, a lot of people like to share Bilt Bars.
Even if you're brothers.
I adore.
I'm pandemic stopper and grammar savior, Andrew Cuomo.
And this here's my brother, Chris.
And just don't call me Fredo!
And we're here today to tell you why we like belt bars.
It's because... Why do we love them so much, Chris?
Because they don't ask for consent!
Ayo!
You can eat em.
You can lick em.
And you can suck em.
And you can suck on...
Love forget me with my billboard.
You can enjoy two at a time.
And you can talk dirty to him.
I'm I'm gonna bust you in half.
You're gonna need a wheelchair to get around for the next three weeks.
Yeah.
You know what's good about these?
What's good about them, Andrew?
You can undress them.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, and you don't even have to ask.
I usually gotta get three nos before that period just comes through.
Yeah.
That's been a little bit spaghetti, my bad.
Yeah, that's alright.
You spit on it a little.
You like that.
I like to get spit on.
And, the best part is they're sugar free.
Which means they're built... Without the guilt!
Mmm.
Where you been all my life?
Don't tell my wife.
Mmm.
Oh yeah.
Oh, you got a sister?
Hey.
Oh, you do?
Andrew, she's your sister.
You do?
Oh yeah.
I don't think they're sugar-free.
They're not sugar-free.
No, but they're- FOMO brothers are idiots.
They're low sugar.
Very low sugar.
Very low sugar.
They're not the best spokespeople for it.
They're guilt-free, and I- Well, they're guilt-free because they won't tell on you for sexually assaulting them.
By the way, I just got a call.
Yeah, Bilt Bar wants, uh, they want creative control back.
Oh, do they really?
That's strange.
I thought, that's weird, because I think that sold them more.
Well, you know what I think?
I think Bill Barr is delicious, and I honestly think you should try him.
Go to BillBarr.com and use promo code CROWDER15, capital C, to get 15% off your next order.
I assure you, you're going to enjoy them, especially for those who work out, I'm told.
Well, and let us know, too.
A lot of people have screenshotted their order for the first time and then sent a tweet or Instagram or Facebook or MySpace or Yelp.
Something, you know.
Yeah, you can Yelp.
Yeah, why don't you LinkedIn us?
I was trying to think of like older ones that I could throw in there that Yahoo messengered me.
Yeah, you can do that.
Make sure they tell us their favorite flavor so we can settle this debate.
We can!
We're gonna do a poll.
That's what we're gonna do.
I'm with.
I agree.
Laying the brains got a point.
Oh jeez, again?
You still look hungry though, which is odd.
I kind of am.
I mean, I've got some pickles over here.
You have pickles?
Yeah, do you think I should try that?
I hear the...
I don't know why you have pickles, but are they good?
They're fantastic, actually.
Are they really?
I like pickles a lot.
I didn't know he was such a pickle fan.
I'm a huge pickle fan.
I saw him eating the pickles out there, but I didn't know that he was diehard.
Do you eat them outside of the office, too?
Giant jar right here.
Giant.
That's a lot of pickles.
Well, I like pickles.
There's nothing wrong with liking pickles, right?
It doesn't make you a bad person to like pickles.
Okay, fine.
Then what's the big deal?
I like pickles.
I might eat a pickle on air.
Have a pickle!
Okay!
I will!
I just- We are inclusive!
We like, kinda like, sucks the salt off, though.
I'm not gonna like Brian Stelter the pickle, but I'm gonna eat the pickle.
There's nothing intended by this.
That's between you and Stelter and the devil.
Just so, you know, we- everybody's- Brian Stelter's good at his job.
I don't want any screenshots of me eating a pickle.
Yeah, just enjoy the pickle.
You seem to like it a lot.
It's good.
How would you describe the flavor?
Good?
Pickle-ish.
But, like, good pickle?
It's a great pickle.
Like, if you were going to sell this pickle, would you say it's good, easy to swallow?
I'm not going to do this.
You're not?
I'm just asking you a question.
Some pickles can be, like, pickle to throw.
Sweet?
Salty?
It's not good size?
It's not fiery pickles?
Like, yeah.
Like, is it a handful?
Easy to eat?
Just eat your pickle, you weirdo.
All right.
I felt like the best thing to do was to shut up.
Why?
Did you hear about this monkey crash?
I did hear about the monkey crash.
Yes.
Are you a fan of monkeys?
I'm more of an ape dude, but monkeys aren't bad.
The friends monkey, pretty cool guy.
Friends monkey's a cool dude.
I agree.
You like monkeys, Charles?
I'm more of an ape dude?
We like, you know, we explore that a little.
Gorillas, awesome.
In the mist.
Okay, yeah.
Sign language.
Have you seen The Congo?
That movie is awesome.
It's not The Congo, it's just Congo.
I think the movie's called The Congo?
I don't know.
I think it's just Congo.
I think it's Congo.
It should be called The Congo.
That's how old people talk.
They're like, I was watching The Congo.
Yeah.
Or anytime they're watching TV.
And I posted about it on the Facebook.
Yeah, I'm trying to watch my stories.
That's one.
I'm just watching my stories.
Grandma's stories about people that don't have jobs that stay home.
Days of our lives.
If you use the term my stories, chances are you're gonna die in an old folks home of COVID.
Soon.
In New York.
I'm just watching my stories.
Everything hurts.
Those places?
Uh, old folks homes?
A lot of sex, did you know that?
I heard that, it's like high school.
You got Viagra to keep the guys from rolling out of beds, it's like a kickstand, but then they're like, well I gotta do something with this.
Isn't that crazy?
Is that why they smell so weird?
It probably is, yeah.
It's also why there's plastic on all the furniture.
You thought it was the other reason, it's not.
It's not dust in the air, it's just what's What if you did, you remember the show Room Raiders on MTV?
Yeah.
What if you room raided like an old folks home?
And there's like slow motion sloths banging pretty much.
Just heart attacks.
Time to bring out the blacklight for Ethel.
I'm falling!
Help!
My Nana was in an old folks home.
I loved her, but it was one of those places where it's like you just had to keep telling her how much you liked it.
And so she believed it and would repeat it.
No, I like it here.
It's wonderful.
The beatings are fantastic.
Yes, the Crip gang member only punches me for dinner.
Every other orderly's Ben Stiller from Happy Gilmore.
Why'd you make me do this?
You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Oh, your fingers hurt.
Now you pulled Lance back from duty.
Now your back's gonna hurt.
All monkeys.
Are now accounted for in the crash, by the way.
Oh, thank goodness, man.
Crates of monkeys were scattered across Route 54 following the crash.
I don't know if people saw this.
Just all those crates of monkeys.
That's terrible!
boxed?
How else is Amazon Prime supposed to deliver them, Dave?
They were just all over train tracks in Los Angeles.
We don't want this thing, jeez.
Why are they in boxes?
It's another monkey, guys!
Here's your sex monkey!
Sign here, here.
They're like bananas.
Alright, so, um, crates were scattered all over the place.
Of the 100 monkeys on board, three initially escaped.
Luckily, thanks to our brave first responders, the final monkey was captured.
We actually have footage of the incident.
That's Ross Geller's monkey.
It definitely is a friend.
That's your monkey!
Wait, Matt LeBlanc was in a movie with a monkey.
He was in Friends with Ross.
Yeah, he was in, well, the movie, I think it was called Joe, it was him and an ape that plays baseball.
Oh.
Not to be confused with any one of the Golden Retriever movies, such as the Golden Receiver.
The ape that plays baseball.
There's actually two golden receivers, one is not legal.
Oh boy.
What?
What is more concerning?
Help!
That was the Ross, that was the friend's monkey, right?
It was the friend's monkey, you're 100% right.
I don't want to say they all look the same, but the kind animals kind of do.
Like penguins, it's like, I don't know.
If I met one penguin, I'd be like, I just met that guy.
Wouldn't you say, though, that the three monkeys that survived a car accident and escaped their boxes were like, yeah, you get to go.
Yeah.
You're free.
Like, oh, thank God we got them back.
No, the three monkeys were living free lives.
It should be like The Fugitive.
Yeah, but these were lab monkeys.
Well, it doesn't matter.
I mean, they've been infected with AIDS, but other than that... Yeah, that's... It is a prison bus tipping over.
Like, maybe they should be on a Con Air monkey plane.
Tommy Lee Jones is on the way.
Yeah, he's like, I gotta find him.
Come on, Doctor.
Every hen house, monkey house, dog house.
Doctor Monkey Kimble.
Doctor John Monkey Kimble.
Oh, man.
What is more concerning, though, is a woman stopped to help the truck driver and ended up touching one of the, what is that word?
Macaques.
Is that real?
She stopped and touched macaques.
Even worse, she forgot her phone posting on Facebook.
So I was behind a truck who had 100 monkeys and was hit by a dumpster truck.
Four monkeys escaped, one guy had to go to the hospital, and I forgot my cell phone.
That's a good lead-in.
It's so sad.
Very descriptive.
We need a picture to prove it, liar.
Wow, what an idiot.
Alright, so the monkey... The woman apparently thought the monkeys were... cats?
Eyewitness News spoke with a woman who witnessed the unusual story unfold right in front of her eyes.
They had this like green cloth over so I pull it back and I go to stick my finger in there to try to pet it and it pops its head up and I'm like, oh, it's a monkey.
So I was like, I'm shocked.
So I walked over to the guy and I'm like, they're not cats.
They're monkeys.
He goes, they're what?
I'm like, they're monkeys.
Yeah, that makes sense.
You're trying to jam your finger in a cat.
I went over to finger a cat, and it was a monkey!
I didn't know!
Monkeys!
Monkey!
If you were to imagine a lady that would stick her finger in a monkey cage, would it come up any different than exactly what she looks like?
Only the best and brightest, folks.
Yeah, she definitely looks like a woman who would try to stick her finger in a monkey cage.
It turned out to be going, ooh-ah-ah, and I thought about it, and I remembered, that's not meow.
What a dunce.
Alright, so... He's like, yes, it says monkey on the box, ma'am.
Right here, big letters.
I have never looked at a cat in my life and said, is that a monkey?
I think it's a spider monkey, I can't tell.
Either that or Garfield.
Oh, it threw feces at me, never mind.
Okay, I know what it is now.
Have you ever pet a monkey?
An ape!
Yeah, chimpanzee.
Again, I'm telling you, apes rule.
Yeah, have you ever pet a monkey?
I don't think so.
That's weird.
Why is that weird?
No.
Why is it weird you don't go to monkey petting zoos?
Those pickles do look good.
I'm going to get a little further away from the mic.
You love those pickles.
You're crunching on those bad boys over there.
You can hear the crunch and the slurp.
They're good.
They're good pickles.
I mean, I usually don't eat pickles, but if I was going to... Why not?
I don't know.
Pickles are great.
Stop it.
Well, I just don't usually eat them alone like you do.
I mean just the pickle, not like you're alone at home eating pickles.
Crying?
Crying as I eat my pickles, Dave?
I told you that in confidence.
I cry when I eat anything.
Mainly ice cream.
And I just think, when's my prom date coming?
I guess never, so... Sadly.
Three monkeys in the story did have to be euthanized.
You missed an important thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, did she?
Oh, I forgot.
Let's go back.
Well, she ended up having to go to the emergency room after developing pink eye and a cough from fingering the monkey.
Pink eye and a cough?
That's not gonna be pink eye and a cough.
That's Ebola.
She's like, oh, that was a monkey's butt I just stuck my finger in.
I can't believe that.
Oh, jeez.
Now I got the pink eye all over again.
Every time.
Oh, she got the monkey pox variant.
Oh my lord.
She's gotta have something terrible, right?
No, no, no, no.
It's not quite as bad as the Omnicron.
Is it not?
Are they gonna let her in and be like, look, we know you're petting monkeys, you look very sick, but, you know.
No.
We're just gonna put her with other old people that have also shoved their face in monkeys' butts.
Yeah, and just see what happens.
Just to ensure, you know, the best outcome.
Hey guys, I have pink eye, don't you want it too?
Yeah, come on.
I got eyes that itch.
I thought them was cats.
My butt itches.
Wait, she's from Pennsylvania, why does she sound like that?
Because she's an idiot?
I don't know, I mean... No, no, she does.
I mean, it's a good accent, I just don't have to... They're monkeys.
I feel like she told the driver that.
And I'm like, I think he knows.
She looks like Alice Cooper after he died.
Drowning in a tub.
She got that Mitch McConnell?
Yeah she had that chin, where she was like, I was petting the monkeys and now my eyes burn.
Those are not cats!
I got a rash, there's a rash where I put my finger in it.
I should be always petting stuff before I know what it is.
Why would there be a truckload of cats?
Why would there be a truckload of monkeys?
That makes more sense to me!
How does that make more sense?
We do research on those.
What is this thing going to PetSmart or something?
Well, we do research on monkeys, but why are they just driving through Pennsylvania?
Is there a big testing facility?
It's a common misconception.
They weren't driving.
Somebody else was driving.
Oh, my bad.
I thought Matt LeBlanc was in Shotgun.
That's why it crashed, you got a monkey driving.
It was Bill Murray, don't drive angry.
Alright?
That's a great Nicolas Cage movie.
It really is, yeah.
Monkeys.
Monkey eyes.
Nicolas Cage.
Monkeys.
On a plane.
Criminal monkeys.
I would love to watch Nicolas Cage movies where he just kills monkeys and you don't even know why.
You're like, they're not even bad.
It's like just in a zoo.
Were they on their way to like Revlon or Clinique to get... Yes.
Just to get lipstick put on them?
Isn't that amazing?
For years, we were like, let's put lipstick on monkeys' lips.
And then they're like, oh, they're burning the monkey.
Ah!
Like, why would you test makeup like that?
I thought they just screeched like that for fun, like to communicate and stuff?
It's just weird what we've done to animals.
Wow.
It's better us, or better them than us, sorry.
It's why I don't eat meat.
That's not true at all.
I know, I eat meat all the time.
Yes, you do.
I just like dogs.
If you're not a dog, I'll eat you.
Anyway.
Wait.
What?
You like... I don't get it.
I need a monkey.
I think we should probably move on from Dave being eaten.
You would need a monkey?
You would never eat a monkey.
By a dinosaur.
You didn't try a monkey?
He's more of a pickle guy.
I... Gerald does love pickles.
I do love pickles.
So!
We do want to go... Alright, we'll move on.
Sorry.
Fine, fine.
I didn't mean to derail everything by talking about that I like to eat meat.
Sadly, three monkeys did have to be put down.
They were euthanized.
Two had dirt on the clintons, like I said, and the third one went bananas and shot himself.
Thank you!
Thank you.
Best joke ever.
Oh my.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Fastest man on his feet.
That's right.
That is the best joke ever award, which is a... A smooth man.
A naked man with no balls.
Made of gold.
The best joke ever.
Award.
Best.
Dude, your desk is getting kind of crowded.
It really is.
I have a lot of stuff.
It's like, I don't know what I want to put in my mouth first.
The bars, the gun, the guy.
This is a busy desk.
I got pipes over here.
You got several mugs going on, you got stuff to write with, though I'm not sure you're using it.
I do like these mugs.
You have mugs of water and yet you have a bottle of water on your desk.
You know what?
Water is not a sponsor today.
Water's not a sponsor?
No.
Pickles is the sponsor.
Pickles.
It's Big Pickle, man.
Well you're the one that brought it in, loving these pickles.
I don't know what it's all about.
Go pickle.
Nothing wrong with that.
Delayed slurp, ahoy.
About an hour?
Look, we're not going to get off this monkey topic because it's important.
Fauci likes his monkeys.
Speaking of...
Did you know that Morgan Island- Not my island.
No, not Gerald Morgan.
Gerald A. Did you know that Gerald Morgan Island- No!
In South Carolina has been nicknamed Monkey Island because it's full of monkeys?
Oh my god.
What?
That just makes common sense.
All the monkeys on the island are owned by the NIH and are subjected to Fauci experiments.
Animals and animal experiments are not right or left.
This is an issue that can bring both sides of the aisle together.
Morgan Island, also known locally as Monkey Island, growing up in South Carolina's low country, we always thought this was a retirement home or sanctuary.
For primates or monkeys that have been used in experiments?
We'll come to find out after White Coat Waste did a FOIA request and gathered documentation.
They're taking approximately 600 primates and monkeys and using them on scientific gruesome and barbaric experiments, much like the puppies that, by the way, Dr. Fauci never responded to our letter about the beagle puppies.
So I might have to rename this island from Monkey Island to Fauci Island just to get a response on these things.
Um, it's crazy, it's barbaric, it's gruesome, and it's gotta end.
Fauci also made a different group of lab monkeys trans and gave them AIDS, you know, for science.
For science.
We did not.
It's right on the website of what NIH funds.
They take male monkeys, they put them in metal boxes, that's where they're forced to live, they subject them to hormone, so-called hormone treatment, and from that they're supposed to learn something about HIV transmission.
Now, never mind that monkeys don't actually contract HIV, they don't actually develop AIDS, this is a study that could be done with human volunteers, and we might actually find something out that would help human beings.
Wow, that's strange because I thought that monkey did have AIDS because he was offered a new sitcom on CBS, Two and a Half Monkeys.
He was also offered a spot on CNN.
Okay, well I was referring to... He's taking over Cuomo's old spot.
Is that what he's doing?
Okay, I thought it was something about that.
Co-hosting with Brian Stelter.
Yeah, Brian Stelzer, though, I know is not... Well, you know I don't.
A monkey.
Totally straight.
He's not a monkey.
100% hetero.
If I had to bet on one of those two things, it's not a monkey.
So, let's talk about some movies.
You guys like movies?
I do like movies.
Love them.
Watched them before.
Have you seen them?
I've seen movies.
Is movies a sponsor?
No, movies is not a sponsor, but I enjoy talking a little pop culture.
There we go.
A little pop culture.
Right?
That's right, big guy.
Best joke ever trophies on your desk, not mine.
Sorry, my bad.
It's going in my bathroom.
What happened? So China edited Fight Club.
I don't know if you guys saw this.
Chinese streaming platform Tencent Video has released Fight Club, but gave it a slightly different ending.
Instead of Tyler Durden killing his alter ego, China's version ends like this.
You shot yourself?
Yes, but it's okay.
Marla, look at me.
I'm really okay.
Trust me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Through the clue provided by Tyler the police rapidly figured out the whole plan and arrested all criminals
successfully preventing the bomb from exploding.
After the trial, Tyler was sent to a lunatic asylum receiving psychological treatment.
He was discharged from treatment in 2012.
It's 100% real!
We didn't do that.
No joke.
You see the editing?
It's like, okay, what was the bright flash in the background of the building across the way exploding then?
Cut it before!
Well, that's the part that I love.
The giant bomb going off in the back, they pause it, and they're like, that's when the cops come in!
And they stop the bomb from exploding!
Yes, even that one in the midst of exploding!
They're watching the second tower go down and they're like, that's when they stopped Al-Qaeda.
And this isn't even the first time China has revised Hollywood, as we know they've done a lot of stuff.
Like in the new Top Gun movie, Maverick's bomber jacket was changed to remove the Taiwanese and Japanese flags.
Ah, because Taiwan doesn't exist.
That's correct.
We know why they did that to Japan.
And in the Oscar-winning...
Williamian Rhapsody.
Freddie Mercury, not gay.
What?
Really?
Yeah.
Did they edit the entire movie out?
They did.
It's actually, it's eight minutes long, and it's called Freddie Didn't Get Fingered.
But they did.
They deleted the scene where he kissed his boyfriend.
Uh-huh.
They cut out a close-up of Freddy's crotch.
Uh-huh.
They deleted the first scene where Freddy's girlfriend tells him he's gay.
It's okay.
Actually, the word gay isn't allowed anywhere in the movie.
Happy.
And they cut out the scene where Freddy dresses as a woman to film I Wanna Break Free.
So what it is is actually, like I said, it's a few minutes long.
It's just Wimbledon where he's doing the least effeminate dancing.
It's just Remy Malek sitting there doing... Yeah.
Right?
Where he's not, like, making love to a microphone, basically.
They actually just show the bassist.
Yeah.
Count him as the singer.
Well, and the problem does persist today.
Like, this is a real thing.
Like, China does change a lot of their movies because they're a major box office, and a lot of times America gets blamed for this racism, which is actually not us at all.
Well, before we look at this, you've got to understand why.
Like, last year, China actually overtook North America as the biggest box office in the world, so you've got to do what you've got to do to get the movies in there, because they have, like, a cap on movies.
No, you don't!
I don't agree with it, but it is a fact.
Also, to finance movies, they finance them through foreign sales.
Oh, yeah.
They sell the movie in foreign markets before they even start making it.
Oh, absolutely.
And tons of the studios are co-financed by Chinese companies.
I hate this.
We all hate it.
Well, because we... I don't hate that we make movies that work for different markets.
I don't mind that.
I don't even mind that you make movies for other markets.
No big deal there.
I hate that you change The movie's around completely in the country that allowed you to be able to do this in the first place and kind of help launch this industry globally in the first place to appease other markets, but you don't do stuff for us.
It's like, Oh, we're going to take the Taiwan flag and the Japanese flag.
Like I get, okay.
I know you hate Taiwan.
We've, we've known that for a long time, but the Japanese flag off his jacket.
Why are you doing that?
No, it's, it really is crazy.
It's just sad because it is still a real country, right?
Okay.
Can we get John Cena online?
Make sure Japan's.
Yeah, well John Cena does a lot for them.
I mean, according to him, Taiwan, not real.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not real at all.
Big mistake on his part.
He apologized profusely in Mandarin.
He did, because, and by the way, very broken Mandarin, but I was just happy to know that he speaks it.
Not frightening at all.
This is a guy who used to go to hospitals and see children and do good things, and now he's like, Taiwan's not real, give me money.
Well, I think John Cena, actually, if we translated it, he was just yelling, that, that, that, that, right?
Yeah, and we're not gonna go, he's not speaking.
But Gerald, like maybe a speck of bright news, Spider-Man, huge movie, right?
Yes.
Biggest movie.
It actually didn't even open in China because they didn't bow to the censorship and they still got huge box office numbers.
See?
Massive.
You can make good movies that aren't crappy.
It's like, what, top ten right now?
Yeah, it's definitely the biggest movie the last two or three years by far.
And it's good.
It's top three.
I think it goes Star Wars, and then Avengers Endgame, and then Spider-Man.
Yeah, because it's a good movie, too.
I went and saw it with my son.
What is this?
Spider-Man what?
No Way Home.
No Way Home.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
See how much I pay attention to Spider-Man movies?
Yeah, but it's like all of them coming together.
And as a Sam Raimi fan, being from Detroit, I like the fact that they They're all pretty good.
I mean, Studio messed with Spider-Man 3 that Sam Raimi did.
There's some flaws in there, but they're all decent.
I didn't hate them, I just thought the Avengers stuff was better.
It's not like the Hulk Ang Lee one, or the Hulk, any of them, or the guy who plays the Hulk in the new one who's just a... He's lovely.
Ruffalo.
And I used to like Mark Ruffalo.
I prefer the one where Tyler Durden is Hulk.
I mean, fantastic.
Yeah, that one's pretty good.
Brad Pitt played the Hulk?
No, no, no, the actual Tyler Durden at the end, not the crazy part.
Edward Norton.
Before he called the cops.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.
Before the bomb- Well, that one is the superior film.
I mean, it's the best.
I like Edward Norton.
I hear he's not a dick.
Not that I would say that.
That's what other people say.
That's what other people say.
But the problem does persist today.
It does.
And I think it's important.
They do have some new movies coming out that I think we should show.
One is Not Black Panther.
There's the poster.
Is that John Cena?
That is John Cena.
He's going to be the star.
It's pretty good.
It's about a guy who's not black.
There's another movie laying in the brain if you want to go ahead and take this one.
So they're actually re-releasing Les Miserables and this time it tells a true story.
At the end, Jean Valjean, instead of dying, actually wakes up and he realizes it was all just a nightmare and the French Revolution never happened.
Right.
And don't look on Google because you definitely won't find any searches of it happening ever, ever in history, ever.
So revolution, revolution, bad.
It doesn't exist.
It does not exist.
It's not a real thing.
It's a figment of your imagination.
Never think about revolting.
Especially in 1989.
Right.
Didn't happen then.
No.
Nothing happened then.
No.
Do we have a clip?
Yeah.
Is that really what they put up?
Totally.
Come on, really?
I mean, it could be.
No, we wrote that yesterday, but... Fight Club, Fight Club was real.
Fight Club was real, okay.
Well, yeah, Fight Club was real.
This could be real, I'm not gonna, I don't know.
I mean, this isn't out of the realm of possibility.
I'm pretty sure Not Black Panther is real, like if you watch the movie.
I don't know, I knew that was, I didn't even ask.
It's just called Panther.
In the real Black Panther in China, they don't take his mask off in the poster because they don't want you to know who he is.
I know, yeah, yeah.
They leave the mask, yeah.
There's plenty of hate there.
I'm just going to leave that up.
Keep guessing, guys.
I know it's Panther and it says Black Panther and the suit is black, but what is it?
It's John Cena!
It's Jet Li!
I think you should cover this next one.
You're a very Christian guy.
Yes, yes.
You're probably more offended by this.
Right, right.
Mel Gibson wants more blood in movies and so they wanted to be able to release this in China.
So it's passion of the Confucius.
Yes.
We are the people of the world. We are the people of the world. We are the people of the world.
We are the people of the world.
He disrespect father.
Oh, you gotta put it back up.
Yeah, we gotta do what it says for audio listeners.
I wanna read it for you guys, for the audio people.
That's okay, but we'll just... You know what?
Screw it.
He disrespect Faza.
He disrespect Faza.
He never come back.
No arrive again.
No resurrection for you.
China number one!
There went our last Chinese fan.
I thought that was pretty close.
The last Christian fan.
In our demographics, we had one Chinese, one Christian, and they're gone.
Gone, both of you.
There's one Chinese throwing his laptop out a window.
I mean, come on, we all have accents!
Yes, chugging it out of a window and accidentally killing a monkey.
It's like, oh, they escaped again.
Ah, I better go down and finger it.
So The Sixth Sense is my favorite ending that they changed.
It is, yeah.
Let's take a gander.
You guys remember that?
The M. Night Shy Llama Llama Ding Dong classic?
I knew it.
What is it?
Why did you leave me?
I didn't leave you.
I see people.
I see people. They don't know they're dead. Bruce Willis was Chinese the whole time.
Ha ha, trick you!
I remember that ending.
The whole movie, you're like, he was Chinese the whole time!
I knew it from the very beginning.
I knew he was Chinese.
Well, we do have to get out of here in a minute, but let's see what we got here.
We have one more thing.
I think we got it.
Oh!
Yes, indeed.
The Portland Pickle accused of exposing his dickle.
The Portland Pickle recently took over a baseball team's Twitter account.
How exciting!
But this time, his social media connoisseur took a turn right after his first tweet.
With the image, if you want to go ahead and show it.
They wrote, new phone, who dis?
Is this why you've been sucking on pickles the whole show?
No, I just prefer pickles and I was trusting my co-workers.
We had the mascot there and you have just been sucking on pickles the whole show.
I've actually been covering my face and eating pickles.
Eating.
You've been eating the Dickels pickle.
No, no, different sponsor.
Different sponsor.
I mean, we talked about weird perversions yesterday, so it's kind of starting to make sense.
It's weird that all of a sudden today he brings in pickles, tells us outside that he's a sponsor, and he's just sucking on pickles.
Eating definitely isn't a euphemism for anything.
No, guys, alright, so if you want to, you can suck on Gerald's Dickel Pickles.
Nope!
They are available at his wine shop.
I hate all of you.
You don't sell them because you want them all in your mouth.
Alright, so... Do me a favor.
If you guys like Gerald eating pickles, let us know if you feel that maybe he's repressing something.
Go ahead and... He's gonna punch me.
Go ahead and comment, comment, comment.
Leave various comments.
You gon' die!
You gon' die.
All right, and remember, go ahead, leave, if you like the, we can do more movies about China, if you like me, come and see my shows.
I have a lot of shows coming up.
I want to thank you all for tuning in, but right now we're going to go off to Mug Club for our listeners.
Is there anything I'm forgetting?
No, they get some free little content, little extra content.
Yeah, they get a little extra, and we get some chat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So ladies and gentlemen, what do we say?
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