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Aug. 21, 2020 - Louder with Crowder
02:29:45
#CrowderDNCStream!! HodgeTwins and Andrew Klavan Guest! | Louder with Crowder
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Time Text
This is nice.
Yeah, we don't do this enough.
I know, we used to do this all the time, remember?
God, it's just nice to get out of the house.
No.
No, no, no, no.
No, we're just here to... Jeez.
This happens all the time.
I know.
I know, non-stop, probably because someone had to show up in full skeleton makeup.
That's not fair.
You guys used to do the same thing.
Yeah, 120 years ago.
It was a fashion thing back then.
It was different.
People weren't doing the skeleton look.
Yeah, 700 AD called.
They want you to get a new thing.
Hey guys, what do you think about doing matching cloaks?
Ooh!
Oh, that'd be fun!
Yeah, like a clone.
Yeah, I can make patches, see how we like them.
Let's make sure it's not a three-piece rocker.
I don't know if anyone's thinking we're in a gang.
No, that won't help at all.
Freaking Crusaders had to ruin that one for the rest of us.
Oh, that ship sailed a while ago.
Hey!
No!
Don't panic!
We're just here to get... You can't talk with these people!
Get used to it.
New normals here, guys.
Maybe for you.
What does that mean?
Yeah, what does that mean?
Here we go.
All I'm saying, at a certain point, what you get isn't worth what you get.
Okay, come on.
We all had to make changes.
Not this sh** again.
Look, forget about it.
Forget I said anything.
You don't think it's because we have hell following with us, do you?
doesn't help you're a strange animal that's what I know you're a strange
animal I come to follow, come on and be sweet to me.
you're a strange animal that's what I know you're a strange animal I come to follow, come on and be sweet to me.
Ooh, yeah, see, I can't do any thrusting because I hurt my back.
Don't do that.
Blame the two people of color next to me.
The Hodge twins.
Conservative twins.
How are you, gents?
We're doing great.
Where the white women at?
That's a horrible way to start a stream.
By the way, the hashtag is CrowderDNCStream.
We'll be streaming all night.
We'll be taking some of your tweets.
There's a promo code, CrowderDNCStream.
You get $20 off if you join MugClub.
It is a pretty good deal.
It's a pretty good deal.
We're redistributing.
What is that?
That looks like a James Cromwell character gone wrong.
That's just like, they said, let's put a guy who sunburned and pockmarked on air because he has Rivers Cuomo glasses.
Alright, we also will be going through the entire lineup tonight.
We were planning on doing this for the whole week and then we realized that, you know, we didn't want to.
That was about it.
It was a death wish.
I mean, there was no way I was gonna let you do that.
Oh, my half-Asian lawyer, Bill Richman, by the way.
Half-Asian lawyer Bill Richman, who refused to dress in 80s garb, it's 80s night, best 80s costume, wins... what do they win?
I mean, they win stuff.
They win a lock of post-rehab Michael Jackson's hair over I thought he was Tito.
I gained a little bit of weight.
A little Tito.
Tito to Jermaine.
Then we have Cute Maddie in overlays.
Too Cute Maddie.
She makes me sick.
And we have Audio Wave here.
I guess the question of the day is why?
Why are we doing this?
Why is anyone tuning in to this at this point?
We were planning on doing it all week because we didn't think that they would announce the VP candidate and then when they announced Kamala Harris we said, oh okay well we don't need to watch anyone else because no one cares.
But then I looked through tonight's lineup and it's like a who's who of nobody cares.
Tammy Baldwin.
Who is that?
Tammy Duxworth.
Can you read this one?
Who's who?
More like who's that?
Oh, Chris Coons.
That's for the auto sensor on YouTube.
Andrew Yang, Michael Bloomberg.
Do you think right before he walks out on stage, he's just going to have to take the barrel of the gun out of his mouth?
Just a minute, sir.
Just a minute.
Think about this first.
Andrew Yang, if you guys have seen the screenshots where he just responded to people on Instagram, like, I can't believe it's Biden.
He's like, I know, me either.
It's like you endorsed him!
Yeah.
Disappointed in Andrew Yang.
Disappointed.
I understand and know the feeling.
And then they dropped him out just because they needed an Asian who didn't come across as aggressive.
They're like, Andrew Yang, you come out here.
You don't seem, you know, you seem like friendly.
Like, you know, you drink and you swear.
That'll get the kids right along with Cardi B singing about her wet vagina and then interviewing the potential president of the United States.
Yang's just going to R-butt Dwyer this thing.
It's going to be rough.
I'd rather be watching Cuties.
I don't know, you know the thing is with Cuties... Maybe Bill Clinton.
Yeah, who also spoke earlier at the DNC.
It's a who's who of nobody cares.
Also a who's who of registered sex offenders.
That's the DNC.
Right now we have Gavin Newsom right here.
And we'll talk about him later.
This is the guy who was praising Donald Trump's handling of coronavirus until he went the other way because there was a convention coming up.
And this is a guy who obviously complained about violent protests back in 2016.
He was talking about the right-wingers.
We can bring that up.
He was talking about right-wing violence and how it's not funny and we can't spur it.
No condemnation of his entire city being torn apart.
Nope.
His constituents are leaving in droves.
They're all leaving.
Who would have thought that a sequel with Kurt Russell would be like looking into a crystal ball?
What do you guys expect for tonight?
Conservative Twins, by the way, is who they are.
Yeah, a bunch of liars, lying.
Yeah.
Hypocrisy.
I mean, Jesus, what's next for these people?
I mean, anything they say, man, it doesn't surprise me.
All right, well, I'm going to go through a list and you tell me what you guys think.
And you folks can tell me what you think.
We have, by the way, Andrew Klavan on the show.
Oh, I forgot the drinking game rules.
The drinking game rules, that's really important.
Drinking game rules, anytime Biden stutters, you have to take a drink.
If you hear any reference to him, by the way, it's not an exact verbiage, Black Lives Matter, fascist, fascism, racist, ism, anything about the U.S.
Postal Service, really any failing non-business and coronavirus, COVID.
We're all dead here, so let's just... Wait, so are the rules that we drink every time he stutters on a single word?
Because I've seen him stutter like nine times.
A past participle out.
It doesn't count if he's stuttering over the same vomit choke.
If he's continually aspirating his own vomit, it counts as one stutter.
Don't invite a lawyer if you don't want to get the rules.
I appreciate the rules.
That's what happened to me when I heard about Cuties.
Cuties is a show about, like, nine-year-olds twerking, and we're gonna get to the DNC here with our predictions.
Oh, wait, hold on.
So let's go to CNN really quickly, because they're saying that this is coming up.
I shouldn't be talking about cuties here.
I hope the virus is in check and the American spirit is unleashed and that we're not caring but hoping for the best.
I hope the virus is in check.
Is this a time capsule?
His senior year?
Hello, Mr. Beecham.
I hope the virus no longer exists.
Three months from now.
Hope you never change.
Did he not take this today?
I believe that America will have faced its darkest moment I hope not.
Is she talking about slavery?
She said the darkest moment.
The darkest moment.
She wants something bad to happen.
Look at this hotel room I'm in.
Oh, come on.
Laying it on thick right away.
A healthcare activist.
I can't even say anything.
It's gorgeous.
of America will be restored for all our communities.
All our families.
All of us.
And when I say all of us, it's a group.
They just brought him on because they were hoping it would trick people into thinking he was in the Roosevelt bloodline.
We will have a president who provides this country with real leadership.
They just brought him on because they were hoping it would trick people into thinking
he was in the Roosevelt bloodline.
Teddy or...
You know one of them.
You know the thing.
I hope we all get back to work.
Who's that?
That was my Korean cousin.
Hey, that's where the white women are wishing they were a B.B.
candidate.
Yeah, that's where the white women are at the Mushroom Cuts Are Us.
Do you think she went in and said, like, hey, could you make it look like I have half a beanbag on my chest?
Where's his neck at?
Andrew Yang, founder of Humanity Forward, they don't say former presidential candidate.
No, no, no.
Fails to this demented old circus monkey you will be watching tonight.
Failed.
Like, former, former senator.
Tattoo artist!
She's hot for a man.
She met Dina Von Teese once.
Well, that's what I'm talking about right here.
This time next year, I want a president who understands what military families need.
Crazy tale.
Oh, come on.
Who is she referring to?
Let's be careful.
What nationality is he?
Who is she?
Let's be careful.
What nationality is he?
I think I saw him on Deep Space Nine.
Did she just come from the beach?
Get a comb!
Neck action.
and our customers.
Neck action.
But next year, I want you to wear a mask or gloves.
Jowl action.
Oh, by the way, how's coronavirus doing?
Oh, look at the danger zone.
Oh, yeah.
Fido.
Look at that baseball in his neck.
Where he been, man?
He's been sneaking into people's houses, stealing guns and leaving crumbs that are much too small for the houses' mouses.
Do we have the ding for the drinking game?
We'll get it pulled up.
They said coronavirus.
Drink!
Are you going to be doing the ding all night?
I don't have the ding.
Oh, I thought you said you didn't have the ding.
What?
Oh no, Colin Powell!
You guys are new to this.
Oh no, Jamie Harrison.
You guys are new to the Republican thing.
Actually, Condoleezza Rice kind of came out and said, like, you guys are just a bunch of assholes.
You guys just suck.
Hey look, it's her!
It's Medusa.
I'm African-American.
All right, quick predictions.
What do you guys expect for tonight?
I think we're just going to see a lot of... not very many clear policy answers.
I think we can expect to... Oh my God, they're opening with Yang?
Right away?
What's he saying?
Is he opening in prayer?
No.
National Anthem?
No.
Pledge of Allegiance?
No.
American flag pin?
No.
It says map.
It's like, hmm... I don't want to be a... It seems like it's a little cliche to have, you know, running for national office representing your country flag pin.
Can I go with math?
What's the last name, Yang?
Can I do that?
Is that safe?
Also, maybe the other lapel could be an image of my tiger mom beating me.
I think that this would be palatable to middle America.
I think this is going to go over well, because the flag pins are passe.
If you voted for Trump or didn't vote at all back in 2016, I get it.
Many of us have gotten tired of our leaders seeming far removed from our everyday lives.
And we despair that our government will ever rise to the challenges of our time.
Oh, the challenges of our time before the COVID, like record low unemployment, like record low black unemployment, like record high labor force participation, GDP growth, all-time stock market highs, like actual wage growth for middle-class Americans.
I think it was about $5,000 a year.
More Americans who are paying less in taxes and more satisfied with their economic outlook than ever.
Please, Lord Jesus, save us from this.
Bring us your profit.
Wang.
Yang.
Wow.
It would have been great, too, if I didn't get his name wrong, but it's almost better.
Look who's coming up.
Why do you got Steph Curry coming up?
Steph Curry?
That's not on this lineup.
Looks like, you know what?
It looks like they bumped Pete Butt Gig for Steph Curry.
Butt Gig?
So I don't think we're going to see any clear policy answers tonight.
I think we're just going to hear a lot of platitudes.
We're going to hear about how bad Donald Trump is.
Please save us from our darkest hour.
We're going to trot out the celebrities.
Yeah.
We have John Legend, noted eugenicist John Legend.
He'll be on the show.
All right.
Let me see.
Let's see.
You guys know Pete Buttigieg.
You guys know him.
I love Pete.
Who got?
What do you predict for Pete Buttigieg?
Anything?
All right, let me move on.
What about Gavin Newsom?
Hey, Keisha Lance Bottoms, that's in your wheelhouse.
Yeah, Bottoms.
Tammy Baldwin, Duxworth, anyone have strong opinions?
Duxworth?
Who the hell is Tammy Duxworth?
That's what I thought.
She's the Asian.
I don't know, I thought maybe you guys could... Senator Chris Coons.
I like Coons.
I see where this is going.
You know you're gonna get that one.
Performance by John Legend and Common.
Oh no, performance?
Who's almost worse?
Is Common the guy who looks like Tyra Banks' brother but isn't Tyra Banks' brother, that guy?
I think you're correct.
He's bald.
Yeah, he's bald, right?
He's got like light eyes.
He's got dark eyes.
He's got dark eyes?
I'm thinking of Tyra Banks' brother, the guy who was in Dodgeball.
Which, I know, listen, I know this sounds tone deaf.
In large part because it is.
It's not the same guy.
I've always said this, like, you guys have lighter eyes, but when I see, when I meet really, like, darker black guys, you know, with light eyes, um, it scares me.
You're racist.
It just goes like, the only time I've ever seen it is that in, you know, the Queen of the Damned film, you know, where it's like they're vampires for Blade, which, you know, and then of course, what was that, Aaliyah?
Aaliyah.
When she died, we all had to act like, oh, we lost a marvelous talent, like we'll have to do with Cardi B and just, just wading our way through her talking about her wet vagina and cutting her asshole with her Freddy Krueger nails and be like, I can't believe we lost Cardi B to diabetes of all things!
Who knew?
To anal fissures!
I probably think AIDS.
It was an infection.
You started talking about that.
Cardi B interviewed our President of the United States.
Remember when we thought it was below the presidency?
What was the name of that fat black broad who was in the tub with the Froot Loops?
She does reaction videos on YouTube.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, she did.
And then the novelty wore off.
Barack Obama did an interview with her.
People thought it was below the presidency.
Now we have the potential president talking with a lady who's, forgive me, forgive my language, this is PG, we have to talk about who's like, yo, yo, my pussy can't breathe in these jeans!
You want me to get a yeast infection?
I gotta go interview the vice president!
The same woman who said she bragged about drugging and robbing men?
I drugged men and robbed them!
Now I'm gonna go interview the president?
What about healthcare though?
I don't know what the hell she does.
When she does that, I don't know what the hell that is.
get triggered just have someone go burp. Wait is that like a bird in an oil spill?
Yeah what does that represent? I don't know what the hell she does. When she does that I don't know what the hell
that is.
That sounds like those like when the pigeons were in the BP like BAAAAAAA.
You know when they're walking down with Dawn and we're supposed to care. I think it's like a tick.
I think so.
Is that what's happening?
It's like if you've got Tourette's, right, and you just can't control it.
Alright, let's go to Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
You guys familiar with Seinfeld?
I don't know if there's... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, good.
I didn't know there was a cultural divide, like, for more, like, Fresh Prince fans.
She's the convention moderator.
...is that's the year Donald Trump will finally release his tax returns.
Who gives a shit about tax returns?
Looks like the lady performer hired a lady writer.
Don't let him near a comedy pen!
First, let's reaffirm the all-American values that our party and Joe Biden stand for.
Like abortions.
Into nine months.
Jim Crow.
The KKK.
List is over.
Wow, using a white rag on a black child.
He's a cute kid.
Hey, it's my cousin.
I'm glad they're doing this.
He's so cute.
I hope you remember it.
and to the public for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all.
Thank you.
Hey look, it's the chicks!
Soon to be the Zs!
Yeah, I'm not convinced.
They dropped Dixie Chicks because they thought that was racially insensitive, so they became the chicks, and of course they're going to change it to the Zs.
It's like when Lady Antebellum dropped it to Lady A, and then this black chick was like, THAT'S MY NAME THOUGH!
And they were like, we didn't know!
Also, I'm going to sue you!
Alright, hold on a second.
Let's listen to... I always feel bad because the one with the lesbian cut is the most talented, but you know everyone
looks at the the sisters We're so gallantly streaming
Ooh, nice strong change Pfft
I thought they could sing a lot better than this.
I think they're pretty good.
That is nice.
I think they're talented, they just hate their country.
What does Nick Cannon have to say now?
Very little melanin.
They got soul.
Unfortunately, you know, I mean, it's acrid.
But they have soul.
It's dark.
There's some soul in that.
Was that us or CNN?
Probably CNN.
That was us.
Oh, the brave.
Okay, that's...
They're good.
They can sing really well.
Oh my god, poor Wolf Blitzer.
They go from the Dixie Chicks, lovely looking ladies, to the guy who looks like Beans from Even Steven.
Hey, actually, Reg does have an answer to what skrrrt means, if you want to go into it.
Oh yeah, let's go to Reg the Bandit, our brilliant researcher-in-chief.
Reg, what does skrrrt mean?
Do we have him?
Okay, so, to the best of my understanding, skrrrt is an onomatopoeia used in the African American community, and it signifies moving away from someone quickly, or distancing yourself, And it's like the skidding of tires in a car.
Oh, OK.
So it's tied to felonies.
OK.
Is there anything?
Is there anything?
This is one thing that really does... OK, let's go through predictions here.
Andrew Yang, Michael Bloomberg, Jay Z, suck, suck, suck, suck.
No one cares.
It's CrowderDNC stream for $20 off and hashtag CrowderDNC stream for the hashtag.
Are we going to be able to see Reg there?
Reg the Bandit?
Yeah, pretty soon.
We were talking about this earlier today, right?
You have Cardi B, who just interviewed the Vice President.
I do feel bad for young black women because, like, that is a big part of their role models right now, is Nicki Minaj and Cardi B. And that wasn't always the case.
When people say, like, oh, this is black culture, well, what about Diana Ross?
You go back to The Supremes.
You go back to Aretha Franklin.
You go back to The Cosby Show.
You go back to Family Matters, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, The Cosby Show.
These were by and large watched by white people.
It wasn't segmented away in its own network that Tyler Perry bought and sold to Oprah.
Yeah, that's why those shows were so important.
The Cosby Show was good for black people to see other successful black people.
You got Cardi B. I mean, it's better they didn't see The Green Room.
Too bad Bill Cosby was a creep.
Yeah, that's really unfortunate.
You know, we talked about this before.
We were talking about the Hidden Figures movie, right?
I mean, you got... What movie?
The Hidden Figures movie with the mathematicians, the black women who were helping NASA.
Oh, Hidden Figures!
I thought you said Invigors.
No, no, Hidden Figures.
And so think about it.
You had all of these women who were in that vein or who were actually in that and lived it, and you could have had them interviewing, but instead, Cardi B.
Well you know what's funny is like I bet you in a future like those because those ladies were all very nice in that film but they'll be like why is there no Awkwafina and Carly B?
Cardi B. Did I say Carly B?
Yeah, Carly.
I thought it was a white girl name.
I knew a girl named Carly.
She turned me down.
All right, let's go to David Kochner's latest character.
Oh boy, there's the name.
Shut up, you coon!
...dignity of all people.
People Joe believes were made in the image of God.
Joe learned that from his parents, the nuns and priests right here in Delaware who taught him.
Who revoked his communion privileges.
Wait, were they the ones who taught him to love segregation?
Yeah, they're the ones who taught him to love segregation, oppose busing, and support abortion up to after birth.
I'm pretty sure that came straight down from the cardinals.
...political tool.
I've known Joe about 30 years and I've seen his faith in action.
Everyone in D.C.
has known him 30 years.
That's the problem.
He's been suckling at the taxpayer's teat his entire life.
He has not been employed by the private sector since he was old enough to have a boner.
Sorry, a guinea.
I don't want that. I don't want that. Sorry, a guinea. Time and again I've seen him stop everything and listen, really
listen to someone who needs a shot. That's because he can't hear them. Hold on, speak up. Time and again I've seen him
change his phones for those with the larger keypad because he cares.
Really leans in when I start talking.
Time and time again I've seen him go to Iowa State Fairs and travel to caucuses across this land with his life alert bracelet just to show how much he cares.
Let it go!
I'm over it!
Why don't you guys over here?
How are they going to make slavery right?
and they've been called out.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Let it go, I'm over it.
Why don't you guys over here.
As punishment, since you didn't import the ding there, uh, uh, MJ, there you go.
How are they gonna make slavery right?
How are they gonna go back to danger?
Well, you see how they're gonna change it, is uh, is uh, by electing the
oldest white guy who supported segregation and said, they're gonna put y'all back in shape.
Laughter I do appreciate that another succeeding old white guy, this one doesn't even have hair, is the one who's telling us about how he's the one.
Guys, don't worry, we're going to fix this right after I finish my ninth Senate campaign, and I'm done with this, and I don't give it to my son, it'll be fine.
It'll be totally fine.
Yeah, and the poor guy does have hair.
I mean, his thing looks like it's made of damn pipe cleaners.
But, you know, he's got the hair plugs going on.
He did a shitty job, but the point is, like, you know, he's trying.
What is your faith?
So how would you use your faith and make a decisions foundation?
Oh, he steps out from the podium so he knows he's serious now.
Yeah, he's getting serious.
Most people aren't.
I'm willing to get down with you blacks!
This is propaganda.
Yeah, it is.
Love the music, though.
Love the music though.
Gonna drop a tear?
And obviously that's sad, that's very tragic, but that is what he uses right now rather than discussing the policies.
Does anyone know his coronavirus plan?
By the way, can Reg maybe bring that up?
I know he said he would double testing.
We have more testing than any country right now in the world, right?
We have more testing and Donald Trump mobilized the private sector, like him or hate him, to get more testing.
Right now you can go to CVS, Walgreens, Rite Aid, Duane Reade if you still live in the cesspool of filth and sadness and broken dreams and hypodermic needles that is New York City.
I highly recommend you leave 14,000 empty apartments.
Escape from LA, escape from New York.
Yeah, I was just going to say that you know how much it takes to actually say we're going to double it?
Nothing.
It takes absolutely no commitment.
He's a leader.
Yeah, but I'll double it.
Okay, nice.
I want you to take your asking price and double it.
Yes, yes.
Wow, that sounds really good.
He's going to double testing.
That's two times more than now.
That's two times as many.
And I know because I saw Andrew Yang's pin.
I think if he becomes president, they would actually suppress the numbers.
Yeah, of course!
Does anyone know any of his policies other than he really likes abortion and hates Donald Trump and he can't count to 10 if he's wearing mittens?
He's a natural born leader who's followed in the Senate his entire career.
He's a natural born leader who's followed in the Senate his entire career.
That's why I thought, you know, maybe she'd be your jam.
How are you feeling?
This is Mary Bottoms.
Yeah.
Cheekbone action.
Well, good evening.
I feel really good.
Thank you for asking.
My husband, on the other hand, is still having many of the lingering side effects that people talk about, but all in all, our family's doing great.
You can't breathe.
Being married to you?
He's got COVID.
Boy, I think a lot of Americans are Going to be dealing with that for a long time.
Hey Mera, I wanted to ask you something.
Yes, many of us will have a cough.
Is Atlanta ready for election day?
Sometime meaning a week.
A little bit of the sniffles.
We will be ready.
Do they also not remember that they are the network where Chris Cuomo was like quarantined for three days and came out.
Butt naked.
Appearing nude, yeah, in his wife's yoga video.
He was like, I'm totally fine now.
My teeth were chattering.
I had a fever of 106.
Oh hey Joe Louis.
We got weekend at Bernie's Joe Louis.
Hello Joe Louis.
Hello Joe Louis.
Look at this guy.
Look at this handsome boy.
Weekend at Joe Louis's.
The Hawaiian shirt.
Go say hi to the guys who used to be afraid of you.
Come on, go say hi!
Hey guys, you see the difference?
This is what I was saying.
When you have behaved dogs, they can be therapy dogs.
These guys were terrified of them mostly because they were chasing them when they were delivering.
He's leaning all over me.
I know, yeah, he loves you guys.
He's a leaner.
Oh, man, this thing's hard!
I know.
He narded one of you guys right in the... with his tail.
Yeah, he smacked me in the face with that tail.
Yeah, he's got that giant tail that just hits you right in the tip.
Bye, Joe Louis!
Okay, let's go back to Mayor Keisha Bottoms and her husband with the COVID.
He walked gently amongst us, not as a distant icon, but as a God-fearing man who did what he could to fulfill the as-yet unfulfilled promise of America.
What?
People often think that they... He what?
I'm sorry, speak into my good ear!
I don't speak, crazy bitch!
What, an unfulfilled dream of the United States of America?
She's mayor!
And she's speaking to endorse the old white guy who played second fiddle to the black guy with no resume, who became President of the United States.
She's a black... She's black, too.
Only in the United States could a man with zero qualifications, the public having zero access to his college records, and a man who did crack with a convicted domestic terrorist in Bill Ayers be elected President of the United States.
But still, the deck is stacked against us.
Cardi B writes songs about cutting her asshole with Freddy Krueger hands.
It's the American dream.
And she's today's Earth, Wind & Fire!
She's your hauling oaks for crying out loud!
No, hell no, she ain't hauling oaks!
Don't touch my hauling oaks!
You set him off.
Get me going.
Don't dump my stuff on my damn hauling oaks!
Alright, let's hear what she has to say.
You are disgracefully using this pandemic to spread misinformation and interfere with voting, forcing many 2020 to still risk their lives wait because
forcing tons of people to become more dependent on the Walk around with man. Yeah, you know what can we actually
do we have that let me see we have a the clip of Because they just said they just opened with you know Julia
Louis-Dreyfus Elaine saying we need to trust the experts Let's go to clip C, because she talked about Dr. Fauci, and now they're saying, we don't want to send people out into harm's way, like it's D-Day, and like, they're acting like you're gonna go to your local precinct in frickin' Denton County, and they're gonna open the doors and... Like, it's just, there's nothing, you just, just...
You know what?
You don't even need to wear a mask.
I do do it because you have to.
It's the law.
But the fact is you are not, this is not comparable to fighting Nazis.
Not even close.
It's not even close.
Let's go to the Clip Clip C of Dr. Fauci saying, hey can we go and vote in person?
Can people safely go out and vote in person given that this year there is so much concern around the vote?
I think if carefully done according to the guidelines, there's no reason that I can see why that not be the case.
All right, that's enough. That's it. That's it. That's it.
And he's got two strings to hold him down. He's got nothing on me.
I want to be a real boy.
For crying out loud.
His voice is that way because he's on the news a lot.
When you leave your house, you can get hit by a damn ice cream cone.
Get the flu!
Look at all the people going out now, shopping and going to the gas station, going to Bristol, going to work, they're wearing masks, but you can't show up at a damn voting to vote with a mask.
Imagine leaving your house looking like Dr. Fauci.
Do you have any idea how many people want to kick his ass just seeing him?
No, they can't see him, it's too short.
Why do they keep showing these old-ass videos from the 60s?
Let it go, it's over!
Oh, hold on a second, they're gonna bring out the German Shepherds.
Oh, wait, who was that one?
He was sister.
Life was extremely dangerous.
It was, that's right, it was.
I appreciate that they're reminding us about what Joe Biden furthered.
Did you see that guy Stan from The Office?
He said it's worse now and has kick-started trying to start a spin-off show.
He's like, racism is worse now than ever.
Really?
You've been fire hosed outside a pie shop recently, Stanley!
Have you been able to find another battle?
John was focused on ending voter suppression.
Are they really trying to show this in like, equate it to now?
Well, they're trying to honor John Lewis, and they'll avoid, like, the plague that John Lewis claimed when he was walking through the, uh, the, uh, I believe it was, was it the, walking to the house?
I don't know if he was walking down the Capitol steps.
Him and Clyburn, if I'm not mistaken, said that people spat on them, tea partiers, you know, those protesters, spat on them and called them the N-word.
Andrew Breitbart offered $100,000 to the United Negro College Fund, I can say it because that's still the name of the fund, and There was no footage.
And here's what matters!
There was footage of John Lewis, of Clyburn, walking up those steps.
There were gigabytes and gigabytes, and this was before 4K, there were gigabytes and gigabytes of crappy, grainy 720p footage, where you could hear everything and see everything, every single angle, like we were promised with original DVDs, remember they said you could watch things in 360, that never really came to fruition?
Not once did anyone say the N-word.
And the media said, well, just like me with Nashville, they said, well, why does he need to prove it?
Because someone called him the n-word.
Uh, because he said it?
Because he made a claim?
How about that?
If you make a claim of a hate crime, have some evidence of the hate crime.
Listen, obviously it's sad when someone dies, but let's not lie about John Lewis.
The guy was a race baiter professionally for the rest of his life.
I can't stand Maxine Waters, man.
Oh yeah, Maxine Waters.
Sometimes she kind of looks like a photo-negative Nancy Pelosi.
The black version.
She's definitely the black version of Nancy Pelosi.
Like if I were in a darkroom developing photos, I might get it wrong.
I'd label it Pelosi.
It's like Spy vs. Spy.
Today we are considering a fair housing measure which not only protects our nation's minorities, but it protects the needs of those with disabilities and families with children.
How long do we have to wait before we decide to ban assault weapons By the way, oh, did you see that, by the way?
It said, ban assault weapons, but it was a handgun registration, was it a handgun registration act?
Something handgun act.
So keep in mind that back then, they weren't even trying to hide it, like, assault weapons was a handgun.
If you were to tell people now, well, an assault weapon would be most of your handguns.
For example, any of the handguns that people are carrying in here, Americans would go, well, no, no, no, I thought you meant, like, you know, the AK-47 that that guy in Austin got killed for pointing at a car point-blank range.
No, back then, it was, they would say assault weapons and handguns interchangeably.
Then they realized they had to get away from it.
Yeah.
weapons that hurt.
Alright, here, let me go through the mail thing really quickly, because they were just talking about that.
Okay, so let's talk about the mail.
When people are saying, keep in mind, right off the bat, most of the pictures out there are hoaxes.
They're like, look, they're destroying mailboxes.
No, they're actually trying to replace mailboxes, and there were changes coming down the pike for USPS for a very long time.
You know why?
For 13 years in a row, they've lost money.
13 years in a row, they've lost money.
Imagine pitching that on Shark Tank.
Incredibly consistent.
What are your numbers?
Uh, well, we lost... 18 trillion?
But this is like the first, yeah, this is the first 13 years of the company, right?
Yeah, it's the first, right, yeah.
You've been reinvesting in inventory.
No, well, I mean, Amazon did.
Have you seen their new Amazon vans?
They really got their shit together.
Ooh, and FedEx has next day shipping.
That's fun.
But we really could use some money.
What kind of money do you have?
Well, I guess in a matter of speaking, it's really infinite, really, because we can just take it from taxpayers.
How we've lost all of it and haven't managed to turn a profit is, you know, your guess is as good as mine, but we could always use more.
So, Mr. O'Leary, more money, please.
More money, please.
So, alright, let me make sure I have this right.
So, when people say there hasn't been voter fraud, too, we talk about mail.
And I say this as someone who has had to mail in-vote, because I've been traveling, doing comedy shows.
I think one time I might have even been in Canada doing a stand-up show.
Canada?
Let's go through a couple of examples.
New Jersey.
They tried it in the primaries.
1.4-something million voters, between 1.4 and 1.5.
87% of them voted through mail.
It took counties more than six months to certify the election results.
65,000 ballots had to be thrown out completely for arriving late.
Those are just the ones that we know about.
That's called disenfranchised.
Michigan, 846 ballots just had to be thrown out because the voters were dead.
How the hell did they vote?
Exactly!
Great question.
Why do you ask that?
Andrew Yang is like, you do the math.
They're dead.
Oh wait, no, it's Common!
It's Common!
It is Common!
It's the guy with the... Oh, that damn hand action.
For people who don't know, the promo code is CrowderDNCStream for $20 off.
Oh, that damn hand action.
For people who don't know, the promo code is CrowderDNCStream for $20 off.
Still talking about Rosa Parks?
Doesn't seem like they're stuck in the past when nobody says anything.
Yeah.
Like, not only in the past, like, 40 years ago.
Well, they can't be stuck in the recent past, because that's Barack Obama.
Yeah.
Sure.
Look, it's the eugenist.
Yeah, exactly.
So this guy called, I believe if I'm not mistaken, he actually called Donald Trump, we have an overlay, I think, he called Donald Trump a eugenicist, and he's the guy who wanted to boycott states that put restrictions on abortions past the third trimester.
He's an actual, he supports actual eugenicism.
Yeah, Trump's the most pro-life president we ever had.
I know!
He called him a eugenicist and then he campaigned against, not only, I mean that's wrong on so many levels because of the idea of free enterprise, but because states wanted to put limitations on abortion, remember when it was Georgia, that was that whole thing?
He was leading the charge.
He's got, something else, by the way, when you see these commercials on CNN, can we bring up that image of the black guy who does a commercial for the testosterone?
Nugenics?
It's a black guy doing an ad.
For a supplement that's one letter off of eugenics.
He's like, eugenics work for me!
Before this, I was black as hell.
I've had some craze.
Is this it?
Yeah, this is it.
Oh, hold on, let me see.
Yeah, look, look.
Nugenix.
He's like a former football player, basketball player.
Yeah, baseball player.
Oh, look at that, Joe.
He actually works out in the gym I go to.
Really?
Yeah, I see him.
He actually seems like a nice guy.
He's a big dude, man.
He was sitting on a stationary bike, looked like a damn tricep.
Nugenix.
Nugenix.
Oh, that's horrible.
Speaking of which, you're the byproduct of eugenics there, Joe Louis.
They breed you for hunting boar.
I don't know why you're wearing a prison outfit, but go say hi.
Go say hi to Keith and Kevin.
Okay.
No, you want to say hi to me?
That's very nice of you.
I appreciate it.
He's a pretty sweet... Why does he have a shake?
My wife gave my dog a shiv.
I guess she's trying to go with the common theme.
All right, time for you.
Go say hi and then go get out, Joe Louis.
Joe Louis.
Come here, Joe Louis.
There you go.
I want to listen to common.
Hey, Joe Louis.
What are you doing down there, Jew?
What do you think they're doing?
Wait, is this a praise and worship song?
When the glory comes, it will be ours.
When the glory comes, it will be ours.
Black is King, did you hear that?
Go ahead, go.
Black is King.
Joe Louis, go.
Come on.
You gotta go to Mama.
I do have to ask a question because oftentimes you hear... Hold on a second, I can't get over.
When the glory comes, it will be ours.
They took the lyrics of praise and worship like, the glory will be yours, God.
It's like, whose glory?
Common's.
Yeah, yeah.
They got the whole choir.
The whole choir singing.
Whose glory?
John Legend.
Who's Lord?
Jesus.
It's Jesus.
Come in.
Unbelievable.
These people say they're so religious, but they're pro-choice.
Oh, they're wrong about everything.
And also, they believe that the quote, the verse is, give unto Caesar...
Give it all to Caesar!
Give it all to Caesar, provided, you know, that he increases the size of the DMV and makes sure you don't change mailboxes.
That's somewhere in Mark.
What were you about to say there, half-Asian?
I was going to say, the idea of if you were to have any time anyone who's a minority, particularly a black minority, decides to come out and do any kind of song or thing for Republicans or Trump, they're called being minstrels, right?
They're harkening back to the minstrel, right?
I wonder if we have any guests here who have ever been talked about like that.
And yet, here we have two gentlemen of color dancing for Joe Biden.
And yet no one is going, wait a minute, guys, wait a minute.
And yet, again, the irony.
Are we not seeing these gentlemen on national TV who are performing, who have made millions and millions and millions of dollars, able to do and spend those millions of dollars wherever they want, and yet they're here supporting a person whose vice president candidate called him a rapist.
Yeah, and not only that, but he doesn't even know that they're there.
Huh?
What?
Why couldn't we get Cardi B?
I loved her in Cuties.
Could you get me a Waterfella?
I'm Joe Biden's husband.
I'm common.
I'm common.
Yes, you are.
You are the common man.
The man I want to reach.
No, no.
I am.
I'm common.
Well, you're not.
We're all special, son.
I'm common.
No.
What?
What'd he say?
You're black?
You're gonna vote for me, right?
Y'all get back in chains!
What are you talking about?
You poor kids are just as smart as white kids.
I do appreciate that, you know, when they give the title for Julia Louis-Dreyfus, it says actress first.
Yes.
Because, you know, she's not actually living any of the things that she's talking about with regards to the policies or who she supports or any of that.
Right.
No, she's not even living up to the... How dare they show Dr. Martin Luther King, a Republican, Yeah, that's a good point.
I don't think they know.
A lot of people don't know.
I tell them at my comedy shows, it's like, WHAT?!
Mother of the K1 pumpkin!
Really?
White people get pissed when you tell them that, yeah.
I thought your show was mainly white people now.
It is, there was a few people that I told.
Especially like when we transitioned, they would come to our show and they'd be like, WHAT?!
They'd get pissed off if you tell them that.
Yeah, hey, well look, these people speak for you, haven't you heard?
That white broad with the jerry curls apparently speaks for the black community.
Our jobs are evaporating.
Our faith in the things...
I wonder why.
Our jobs are evaporating.
Mostly, I should note, almost entirely exclusively in blue states.
We are doing significantly worse just after the COVID compared to our red state brethren.
You know these people go home and say, like, man I can't believe I said all that shit.
It was so hard to just sit there and say that and keep a straight face.
And what's so funny is they try to make this stick.
Donald Trump obviously does really poorly in a lot of polls.
But even after all of this, and they've been trying to lay the economy at Donald Trump's feet, they still trust him.
The American public still trusts Donald Trump with the economy more than Joe Biden.
Yeah, I wish we had a job boom like February.
Yeah, you know.
I don't know.
Wait, hold on.
Employment, low, be nice.
Record setting S&P 500 or no?
Yeah, something like that.
That would be really cool.
That only helps rich people.
It doesn't affect Main Street.
Oh yeah, I thought you supported unions.
What do you think is going on with their pension?
Dummies.
What'd the Dems call it?
Trickle-down economics?
So what the hell kind of BS is that?
No, they call it trickle-up.
Yeah, because trickle-down kind of made sense.
Can we find a picture from this decade?
You know what?
How about just this century?
No human is illegal.
Of course not.
They're not from Mars.
Their conduct is illegal.
works every time.
Can we find a picture from this decade?
You know what, how about just the century?
No human is illegal, of course not, they're not from Mars.
Their conduct is illegal, they're here illegally.
Yeah, it's not so much the human itself as it is the caravan that went through the border
unprotected in the middle of the night with sex workers under the floorboards.
If we have to put our finger on it?
I think that's more of a problem that we have.
We do have Andrew Clavin.
Oh, we do have Andrew Clavin.
All right.
Again, the promo code is CrowderDNCStream.
You get $20 off Mug Club and use the hashtag CrowderDNCStream.
We'll be reading some of your tweets, looking at your outfits.
But Mr. Andrew Clavin, how are you, sir?
I'm good.
How you doing?
I love that suit.
You look like you just came from Casablanca.
Really?
I was...
No, come on now.
Has that been...
Oh, it's gone with the wind was canceled.
I think Miami Vice is still allowed until they find out that Don Johnson has been in
a couple of more conservative films like Brawl and Cell Block 99.
So I'm in the clear.
Andrew Klavan, what is this?
You look like you're in the town home in Pacific Heights when Matthew Modine had Kevin...
Had Michael Keaton twist and razor blades.
Is this a little garage for you?
the combination of Noah's Ark and the Poseidon Adventure for those of your audience.
The two people in your audience who know what the Poseidon Adventure was.
Yeah, it looks like it.
It's my loft.
I'm in the loft.
Well, you know what?
Next time when you come on, don't make your first reference a shitty Dennis Quaid film.
I remember, I remember I was watching actually, what was it, the Poseidon, the other, I'm not joking now, but the other Poseidon, the remake, whatever it was, with the ship, I think it was Poseidon Adventure.
Was it Poseidon Adventure?
Is that what it was called?
I think it was just Poseidon.
No, it was just Poseidon, the boat was called Poseidon.
Yeah, that's what we're talking about.
And I was there with my black manager, a guy named Tony Camacho, he's Dominican, and we were just sitting and about halfway through he just said, This shit.
Alright, you wanna go leave?
I'm like, sure.
We can do that.
I don't know if it was just a racial divide, but he had no qualms about the fact that he paid for a film and didn't want to finish it.
It's like, I'm not into this at all.
Whereas my cheap, sorry, white ass was like, well, don't we have to see how it ends?
Maybe it'll redeem the last two hours of our life lost that we'll never get back.
He's like, I ain't got time for this shit.
I got stuff to do.
I got water to drink.
Andrew, have you been watching the convention the previous nights?
I've been glued to this set.
I mean, the laughter, the tears, the sentimental moments of reminiscence that brought our nation together.
No, I haven't.
The funny thing is, you're not off at all.
Like, they just used John Lewis as a springboard to go back to a montage of fire hoses and German shepherds and talk about how America is more racist than ever.
It is.
It just gets worse and worse.
It's like a hell pit, you know?
I don't even understand how anybody... How did the black guy next to you, how did he get in the building?
What the hell is going on here?
Kevin?
I'm not going to touch that with a team football!
Affirmative action, man.
But they didn't qualify for the African American, because they're 52%, they qualified for the twin grant.
Really it was just, we wanted to do a sketch where we wanted to recreate Demolition Man and we couldn't afford a stunt double.
We just knew we'd have two of them.
I've been dipping in.
after all i have to i've been dipping in i've been dipping in as uh... bill clinton
would say into the uh... convention from time to time
and uh... what i see in all honesty what i see is a on the endless series
of totally immoral people telling me that they're better than i am
Which, I have to tell you, is unlikely.
It really is unlikely that, like, Bill Clinton, Kamala Harris... Kamala Harris, she is so... that woman is so corrupt.
I mean, here's a woman who literally slept her way into politics.
She's, like, held back evidence that could have gotten people out of death row.
It's like...
When you said she is so, and before you said corrupt, I thought you were going to go Indian.
She is just so Indian.
Just too much.
It's too much with the Indian.
It's like, lay off the Indian.
Exactly.
That's enough Indian.
Enough Indian.
Yeah, it's enough.
I mean, listen, you know, you do it like, you know, you do it like you have a Bobby
Jindal.
We're good for 12 years.
I'm just saying that at a certain point, the tokenism is all filled up.
So my point here tonight, Andrew, what do you predict we're going to be seeing from,
let's say, well, we already had John Legend and Keisha Bottoms, Joe Biden.
Yeah, he's the one nobody's talking about.
I think he's going to ask the question that is on everyone's mind.
Where am I?
Huh?
Is QG still up?
It's in my list.
The best speech of the convention so far has been Jill Biden, but I would have a lot more respect for her if she would stop them from doing this to her husband.
Because it's funny if you're cruel and soulless like myself, but it's really not.
You know, when you step back and you actually have some compassion and try not to go to hell, There's a guy who's deteriorating in front of us.
You know, it's kind of going to be like that scene in, you know, the... What's the scene with the singer?
A star is born.
Remember the star is born where... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I have no idea what you're talking about, but... The ship is turned upside down and the star... There we go.
There we go.
Stop it with the shitty Dennis Quaid references, Clayton!
It's too niche!
My comedy's broad!
No, I think you're right.
I mean, this is a demented old circus monkey at this point, Joe Biden.
It really is.
Someone should be looking out for him.
I mean, if anything, really, Kamala Harris, she could be the one to save him and just go out and say, you know what?
I said that you were a rapist, and I still think so.
Give her a couple of months.
Give her a couple of months.
You know what, let's do the read, Tara Reads.
I just saved you a bunch of money from having to reverse the ticket later on down the trail.
All right, I'll be back in a couple of months to collect my trophy.
Bye, see you later, rapist.
Hey, by the way, check out his Amazon Prime and Netflix queue, okay?
It reads like a who's who of Catch a Predator.
All right, bye.
She could end it.
She could put him out of his misery.
Do you think there was a...
Give her a couple of months.
Give her a couple of months.
She wants to get closer to the Oval Office before she does that.
Then all bets are off.
Yeah, I think you're...
I think, oh is this, I'm trying to see who's on right now.
It looks like, what's her name, that late night host.
It's not her.
Lily Singh?
It's not her.
Hold on a second, Andrea, I want you to see this because you know you're a talented writer.
I want you to give us an opinion on, you know, none of that.
I've heard them over and over and over again.
But nothing is more dangerous to our democracy than his attacks on mail-in voting during a pandemic.
Okay, here's the truth.
It's a pandemic.
Donald Trump doesn't want any of us to vote because he knows he can't win fair and square.
Wow, you smoking crack?
So whether you vote by mail or in person wearing your mask, it is your vote and it's your right.
Don't let Donald Trump take that away from you.
No!
No!
It's not your right to vote by mail without identification, without a process that's been set up in place with, effectively, if it were a company like the USPS that's lost money for 13 years in a row.
It is your right to vote.
It's not your right to sit at home and watch your stupid Cardi B and potential presidential candidate interview and be like, I'm gonna vote though.
Well, how about you?
Do you have any ID with you?
Nah.
Well, okay, well then I guess you should mail it in.
Racist!
You racist!
You racist!
They've got a little problem with enthusiasm, you know.
It's like they figure they might be able to get people to go like, all right, I'll vote for Assad and then a male for Joe Biden, but nobody is going to, I mean, just really, no one in America is going to go like, yeah, I'll get out of this chair and walk down the hall and vote for, no, but I think who would say that?
It doesn't make any sense.
His next ploy is going to be every vote for Joe Biden comes with a free ex-chair.
In your house.
Or then it'll just be like, it'll just have to whittle it away to like, it'll be a lower back pillow, then maybe a nice like, cashmina.
But the point is, yeah.
You're gonna have to go to people's houses with like this, the lever, you know?
Here's the lever, can you pull it?
Maybe, I don't know, I'm fine.
Even the guy who opened it, Andrew Yang, can we bring up those screens?
Have you seen Andrew Yang?
We have the screenshots of on Twitter and Instagram where when Joe Biden was the nominee, people were saying, I can't believe this is happening.
And this is Andrew Yang saying, I understand and know the feeling.
You endorsed him and you were the number one person to speak.
Even people who are on the docket don't like him.
I bet you Steph Curry is going to come out and be like, listen, I know he's a piece of shit, but he's our piece of shit.
And he's like, you know, a couple of dribbles through the legs.
And everyone's like, ah, cheer for Steph Curry.
And then Brian Stelzo edited it together like it was for Joe Biden.
And is anyone pissed that, or these people should be pissed, that Joe Biden has spoken with none of them.
With none of them.
He spoke with the, forgive me, the wet pussy girl.
That's who he gave the interview to.
It's like, oh, I want to make sure that the person I give a scoop is really worthy of, oh, blowjobs and barbecue ribs.
In fact, she's dry as hell, too.
Well, that's what she says.
She says that's why she's, you know, giving medical advice to children like Kevin Jennings.
What were you about to say there, Andrew Klavan?
She's dry.
Well, I do like the fact that the press has been complaining for four years that Donald Trump is a threat to the First Amendment because he points out that they lie all the time.
This guy, he literally hasn't answered a question from any reporter in two months.
And when they ask him questions, it's always like, Where'd you get that tie?
You know, I like that tie.
It's very nice.
Am I wearing a tie?
Where am I?
No, it's a bib!
Oh, a tie!
How'd that get there?
And I heard that Hunter Biden... Is Hunter Biden literally going to be at this place?
Is that true?
I heard that.
No, no, no, they'll be playing a game Hunting Biden, where it's just they give everyone an old Winchester, they give them double-barreled shotguns and a recreation porch, and they just fire into the air to see if he shits himself.
I thought he was going to fly in on his private jet that he bought with the profits from his Ukrainian deal of $50,000 a day.
You watch your mouth!
That man is an energy expert, sir.
My dad is vice president.
Alright, here's your check.
Get out of my way.
Yeah, it'd be like me hiring you to fix my plumbing for half a mil.
Hey, I really like true crime.
How do you do with copper wiring?
Okay.
That's a wrench, isn't it?
I'll fix it.
Yeah, I would like a wrench tonight so I can beat myself over the head with it.
Just because, I think that if I shot myself, it would be like, I need to suffer at least close to as much as I will having to watch the rest of this.
So if I just hit myself in the head with a wrench, it would be the equivalent.
This is the other thing.
This is truly boring.
I mean, you know, I do have some sympathy for the fact that they had to do it all, you know, in this online virtual way, but they are really dull.
And, you know, the only thing that's interesting about them is recounting how corrupt they are.
You know, the only thing that's interesting about watching Bill Clinton is thinking, like, wait, isn't that the guy who, like, stuck a cigar in a girl young enough to be his daughter?
Yeah.
Talks about what we should do for our nation and Cardi B's like, that would be ill-advised if you want to keep that shit wet!
Don't be putting no Don, don't be putting no John Fuentes up in your hooch!
That's wet ash pussy, I think it's a little different.
Oh, I hate that this is America.
Like, just to think of it, the equivalent would be like, I'm trying to think, the equivalent would be like if, I guess, maybe, uh, uh, like, if, uh, Mondale were being, you know, the equivalent would be if, like, Bill Clinton were interviewed.
Let's even go there to, like, Salt-N-Pepa, right?
And people are like, oh, he's going to do it with the push it broads?
Where as this one is like, no way, pussy!
This shit gonna be in the Oval Office, all over your desk!
It's just so disgusting that these are the role models for young girls right now.
Like if it were JFK, I'm trying to think of a crossword, maybe it'd be like Diana Ross or Aretha Franklin asking about relevance.
This guy, the only interview he's given, that's right, the only interview Joe Biden's given that I know of is Cardi B!
Cardi B!
He did it because somebody told him, I'm sure this is why he did it, somebody told him that young black people are looking at this guy and saying, are you kidding me?
The older black people are going, wait, if it wasn't him, it was going to be Bernie Sanders.
And the young people are going, like, there was nobody else?
It was him and Bernie Sanders.
That's it.
They had to make a choice.
Yeah, and Killer Mike is out there endorsing Bernie Sanders.
And the only reason that black people couldn't get on board, they're like, y'all mean the cracker who all them bitches stole is Mike?
And he didn't do nothing!
He's supposed to be my president!
The guy who didn't do nothing, then he came up to me like, I'll barter, that's on Mike now.
He was like, yeah!
The white boy punk, the future president?
What up, bitch?
Would you lean over and slap this guy?
You shouldn't be doing this material.
I should absolutely be doing this material.
That's wrong.
Let's see.
Black Lives Matter.
What does Fauci say?
Final question.
On a scale from 1 to 10, how do you rate the United States Post Office, Andrew Klavan?
You know, listen.
I have to say this first.
My post lady is one of my favorite people.
She is like the nicest person in the world.
Is she white?
No, she's not.
She's white.
She's white.
Everyone sees her supremacy, but go ahead.
She's just the nicest human being.
The place should be shut down.
Why on earth do we have a post office?
Tell me one thing that we do with the post office.
Nothing.
It's catalogs.
It's catalogs, catalogs.
You can get bills.
You can pay bills online.
It's over.
The post office is over.
I don't know.
Hey, listen.
Every time I do your show, they say to me, don't forget to plug the Andrew Klavan Show on the Daily Wire.
And I always forget because I'm too busy fighting with you.
Well, maybe you should go plug it to your post lady.
By the time you get that plug, it'll be, what, next year?
It'll be coming in with a bunch of like, well, I don't want to piss off a good contingency of our audience.
It consists of couponers.
So I don't want them to be, we don't want to lose the couponer audience.
Yeah, they just dropped.
They're not watching.
How else are they going to get their gain at 32 cents off?
Hey, it's a deal.
Alright, so it is the Andrew Klavan Show, of course, on the Daily Wire.
You're there, Ben Shapiro is there, Michael Knowles is there.
Who cares about them?
Just put the damn show on.
I just wanted to make sure that I paint the full picture in that it's a who's who of exclusively white.
That's a rule.
I mean, you know, it's an old rule, but, you know, we're fond of it.
You know, you're in Los Angeles.
Where could you find someone of color?
All right.
Thank you, Mr. Claven.
We appreciate it, brother.
All right.
Bye.
All right.
Who do we got going on here?
This guy.
Oh, Joe Biden's talking.
No, no, no.
He went and found random strangers who could speak better than him.
I need more of all you guys.
I can't hear you.
Why was he answering her and then moved to someone else?
Look, he talked about the middle class.
Who's she?
What'd he say?
Why was he answering her and then moved to someone else?
Look, he talked about the middle class.
Who's she?
What'd he say?
You're asking if it's passed down from one generation to the next, the equity in a home.
You know, the middle class has continuously taken hits and one of the reasons why we're on this call
is we realize how important it is to- No, we can bring up Reg the Bandit actually here.
Reg, I'm pretty sure you have the numbers.
The middle class is doing better than ever in the history of the United States.
They had the average income increase in the first few years of Donald Trump,
I believe it was about 5,000 something dollars as opposed to $1,000 under eight years of Barack Obama.
Reg the Bandit, I think you have that number there. I don't have it in front of me, I pretty much just have a schedule.
It's something along those lines, correct? It wasn't like a $5,000 average salary increase
in the first two years under Donald Trump compared to eight under Barack Obama?
And they're also paying an average of $1,600 less in taxes?
Yeah, I think that's about right.
All right.
As a matter of fact, he gets to the point. That's what I love about it.
I'll get you the overlay in a second. But yeah, it's an exponential increase
compared to what you see under Obama and people like that.
that.
So yeah, and then we also have, you know... Wait, hold on a second, do you guys see this?
It's Indian Ezra Klein!
Oh, yeah!
Come on!
Someone bring up Ezra Klein!
And our job is to speak the truth.
That's Indian Ezra Klein!
Someone bring up Ezra Klein so I don't get in trouble here.
Bring up Ezra Klein, Too Cute Maddie, otherwise I'm gonna be pissed because you're gonna leave me out hanging.
It's Indian Ezra Klein.
It's not Indian, he's African American.
Is that guy African American?
It's hard to tell with Kamala Harris beating the criteria.
Yeah, she kind of muddies the waters a little bit.
Your guess is as good as mine.
Come on!
It's the same guy!
It's the Indian Ezra Klein!
No, he's definitely African American.
Really?
Come on!
His name is Dr. Vivek Murthy.
Would you like to revise your answer, sir?
His cousin's Eddie Murphy, I think.
His nickname is Leroy.
Do you think there's tension in that household?
There's a little bit of jealousy?
He didn't live up to the standards of Eddie?
What if he just showed up in a leather blue jumpsuit?
What were you about to say there, Reg?
Oh no, I was going to affirm that he is indeed Indian.
Can we not forget that, you know, Joe Biden, in answering those questions, literally earlier, you're just hearing a bunch of random people with no facts spouting things that they think might be facts, and then you've got Joe Biden going, And not even answering them directly.
It's like someone asks a nonsensical question that really could be answered vaguely, and he's so uncomfortable on his feet that he's like, uh-huh, I think earlier this man was saying that we're in a new revolution.
That guy's like, what the fuck?
I didn't say anything about that.
Yeah, that's what I heard someone here say.
Maybe it was the fat guy in the glasses.
One of the big screens.
We do have a chat that says, uh, my income has increased by 25% since Trump took office.
I have hope for a real life for the first time.
Oh, well that's anecdotal, but I'm glad to hear it.
G-squared.
Yeah, and then Garrett says he's making more money than he ever has.
Garrett, you're not supposed to talk about your raises.
It makes the other employees jealous.
Especially too cute Maddie.
She's getting 77 cents on your quarter black dollar.
Not made of money.
Money doesn't grow on trees for women.
But you know what, because of systemic feminazis, no, because of systemic racism and misogyny, there's no way that there could be a Wisconsin senator that's a woman.
Oh wait, look at CNN.
Her head's shaped like the Liberty Bell.
Do we want to listen to Tammy Baldwin?
No, listen, I gotta take a leak, so let's go to a break.
You know what?
Can we put in the slightly... Yeah, let's put in the short break.
We'll go to a short break and we'll come back with more of your chat and hopefully not an... Oh, next is Tammy Duckworth.
Alright, we'll play a game or something.
We'll figure it out.
You don't need to be watching Tammys.
Openly gay person Oh, hi.
Hey.
I haven't seen you on the board.
Do you guys have Black Rifle coffee here?
No, I'm sorry, we only carry good small-batch coffee here.
Well, it is great small-batch coffee.
Well, that really can't be unless it's fresh-roasted.
Well, it is fresh-roasted.
I don't think you know what that means.
You know what this is?
This is Masa Lekua Pique, which of course, in the Indonesian language, it's weasel coffee.
You just made that up.
No, it's been passed through their digestive tract.
That's disgusting.
And then it's nature's wet processing.
Yeah, but is it good?
I mean, it's alright.
Are they investor philanthropists?
Do they support good causes?
Yeah, tons of causes.
Veterans causes and first responder causes, but it doesn't matter because they make good coffee.
So that's what I'm wanting.
Do you have any?
You know what?
Actually, I'm just gonna order it, then make it freshly roasted.
Black Rifle Coffee.
It's good.
So I've decided to hijack the show because everyone else has a tiny, tiny woman-like,
baby-like bladder.
Except for everyone here.
2Q Matty, Quarter Black, Audio Wade.
Huge bladder.
So we've got coming up Steph Curry.
You know what's funny about this is they've been showing Steph Curry's face since the very beginning because they want to keep people interested.
And every time they have a break, they're like, it's next!
Sorry, Stephen!
Hey, Joe Louis, place.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Good boy.
Sit.
Hold on a second.
There you go.
You'll be my coach for a little bit, Joe Louis.
Thank you.
The Podge twins, for the first time in their adult life, decided to go to the bathroom separately.
Joe Louis, you're in the microphone path.
Here, let's move back.
Joe Louis!
They decided to... Joe Louis!
Just move.
They decided to go to the bathroom separately.
They decided to go to the bathroom.
They usually pee together.
Holding hands works.
And then, and then, uh, uh, Tokunawa said, well, Steven, why don't you just go outside?
And I went outside, and it's the gymnastics class from next door, and they're doing stretches.
So I would have been, like, a registered sex offender in the next episode of Cutesies.
So my bladder's about to explode.
Alright, hold on, let's see what Joe Biden has to say.
What'd he have to say eight months ago?
Are they allowed to broadcast this as live?
Are they allowed to label it live?
Yeah, that's kind of rough.
There's got to be so many different inputs.
Hey, isn't that right?
You're a better, you're a better co-host than those two twins of color who just take, they're both taking dumps.
How dare you say that?
It's a white dog.
You even have more, you have more bowel control.
Just another white dog taking over.
By the way, for people who don't know, this is the bully lean that we talk about, where he just leans on you and gives you, your seat's been taken, bitch.
Oh, wow.
All right, Bill, can you handle it for just a couple minutes while I go to the bathroom?
Yeah, I got you.
I got you.
Or you can stay there.
All right, Joe Louis, come on.
Alright, there we go.
We got the seats back.
We do have a tweet.
Bill, we have a tweet for you.
It says, I love that Bill Richmond dressed as Short Round from Temple of Doom.
Was that your intention?
That is spot on.
Well, I'm not going to lie.
When I was a shorter boy, I was Short Round.
No, yes, that is exactly it.
Look, I've got to go with these, right?
If I'm not recognized as Short Round in public, it's because I'm Kim Jong Un.
You've got to go with what God gave you.
Hold on, can we see what's on CNN right now?
Look at this.
They are celebrating veterans of America, but never has a party been so consistently against the military and what they stand for.
I mean, we've got amazing people in this country who have been a part of serving and spreading democracy, and yet Here they are saying, oh, we want to celebrate our veterans.
We want to celebrate our military.
And they're doing anything but.
That's what they're doing this whole time is trotting out people and saying, oh, this is the people we support.
This is his faith.
His faith.
It's not anything he actually stands for.
They want to play videos of people protesting the war and people in the war at the same time and say, we're represented by both of these people.
Right.
So you see what they just said.
This election is bigger than politics.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What have we been watching every night?
Unfortunately, we've been watching the same thing.
I think it literally actually is politics.
Oh my gosh, I hurt my back, by the way.
Looking terrible.
No, no, I hurt my back moving this guy around.
We have a video coming out with Jujitsu and I just hurt like a little... I snapped my shit up, man.
I snapped my shit up.
What were you guys talking about?
What did I miss on my own show?
Well, we were talking about the political use of veterans to try and convince America that the DNC is actually in favor of veterans.
Did some guy roll himself out on a skateboard without legs and shit?
No, they just plopped him there and then made fun of him.
Oh, really?
They said, how could you support these Republican wars, you fucking piece of shit?
This isn't an in-person event.
We're live, Bill!
You won't put on an 80s jacket, but he'll bring this potty mouth.
Yes, yes I will.
He won't bring his shoulder pads, but he'll bring his street lingo.
No, no, I'm standing on the shoulder pads so I can be a little taller.
You are standing on the shoulder pads of lesser half Asians.
I'm glad you grabbed that, that's good.
Keanu?
Keanu?
Tiger Woods?
Man!
Do we have from Reg the Bandit, do we have those sources on the middle class stuff?
I know that I was, yeah, what was it?
Yeah, we do have an overlay.
There we go, okay.
So Trump outperformed both Bush and Obama.
So you had eight years under George Bush, then about a thousand under Obama, and then under Trump, in a very short period of time, you had 5,000 increase in income.
So I was right.
I said 1,008 years under Obama, 5,000 under Trump.
You know, I should trust myself more.
YouTube, you did this to me.
You did this to me, YouTube.
You made me doubt myself by browbeating me for a year and a half.
You just need a motivational poster.
Half-Asian Bill's getting uncomfortable because he's like, don't talk about the conversations with the people I go to.
Nope, nope, nope.
I'm just thinking about all the work I get to do.
Oh, believe me, I'll make sure you have it cut out for you.
Who is this right now?
Is this another Tammy?
Yeah, let's see.
That's Jill Biden.
Oh, Jill?
I couldn't tell with the clown makeup.
Oh hey, you didn't see it, but my eye naturally goes to the fine print.
So right before they zoomed in, at the bottom it said, use of DOD footage does not, should not constitute, or does not constitute an endorsement of military activity.
So guys, don't worry, they're literally crossing their fingers behind their back, but in the front, so they know.
Because we wouldn't want our military to engage in activity that is of them.
We would hate for them to be endorsed.
It's like they bring out Steph Curry and be like, just so you know, hashtag not all basketball players, okay?
Hashtag, we don't endorse the NBA.
And you guys aren't big fans of LeBron.
You just did a video on him.
Used to be, man.
Big fan of LeBron, man.
Till he came out political, I was like, man, this guy's a moron.
What made you think he's a moron?
Was it that stupid hat that didn't even work as far as syntax?
It's just all the hypocrisy that comes out of his mouth about our president.
He talks down to him.
It's like, they win the series, they don't want to go to the White House.
I'm like, man, just stop being a kid.
Grow up.
Be a man.
Well, Joe Biden can teach him a lesson or two in that.
Did you say rapist?
You said man.
I stand corrected.
No, he's still in remedial manhood.
Hey, hey, hey, we're calling Biden the Benjamin Button mentally.
He's just... That's everyone though.
Everyone is Benjamin Button mentally.
Not running for president!
That's true.
There's a fine distinction we have to draw here.
Because Donald Trump went into office looking so weird, like you can't really, you can't tell the age.
He's been dying his hair blonde already for a decade.
Oh, thank you.
Is this, is he George?
Is it Rod Stewart?
Oh, wow.
Well, my aunt has a picture with his face on it.
I thought that was a picture with his face on it.
Yeah, picture with the face of Rod Stewart.
Old ladies love him.
Horrible.
Hey, you know she has a face.
Her face is up here, people.
Wow, gratuitous lost leg shot.
Get the leg in there!
We're gonna end her interview with the basic instinct shot with Sharon Stone.
Just the nose.
And then Cardi B be like, you gotta wash your metal snatch!
You gotta keep that shit lubricated!
Like the Tin Man!
You stupid!
I can while away the hours with my pussy flower!
Vote Joe Biden, y'all!
I want y'all to remember, when y'all thinkin' Joe Biden, think this cooch!
When y'all votin' Joe Biden, think about this snook!
It's like, come on!
I'm taking everything off the screen so they can gift that.
Yeah, absolutely.
Tammy Duckworth is a fan of it.
She knows what I'm talking about with her stupid shark necklace.
Oh, thank you very much Rod Stewart.
I appreciate it.
When you think about Tammy Duckworth, this is the thing you've got to think.
Look at her bio down there.
This coke's been corked!
Just disintegrated!
A veteran, Purple Heart recipient, former Assistant Secretary of Veteran Affairs, and yet in her fourth year in the Senate, Illinois is still one of the most corrupt Terrible, awful stakes in the entire union.
You can't even be an amazing veteran who was injured in war, who has done amazing things in war and logistics.
You can't get Illinois right.
And not only that, the funny thing is, nobody cares here.
That's where they start with everything you just listed.
They're like, can we show the mechanical leg?
Just tilt the camera back down, please.
Do we have like a glycerin bottle we can spray on there?
I'd really like to make it pop.
Look, it's just a bunch of check boxes.
Hey, did we check this box for you?
Great, we earned your vote.
Right, I was going to say, I heard one of the founders of BET, the founder of BET, talking about how when he was asked the party to go to the Democratic National Convention and said, hey, we want you guys to advertise on BET, they go, why, we have you guys already.
Legit.
Legit, they did that.
That's how taking for granted the minority vote is, because they're trotting people out, but they're not even talking about the ideals, the values.
You know, I know we're gonna get in the comments, let them talk, what are they actually talking about?
Guys, we already know what they're talking about, and it's nothing.
There's nothing but surface level.
Guys, we gotta change the system, because this white guy, he's better than the other white guy, but we hate white guys.
But also white guys are bad.
And Cardi B's doing a live stream right now, like, I like the Terminator, bitch!
If she's not the Terminator who can, like, change shapes, she's not the one who's like, uh, I'll be back!
Vote Biden!
Vote Biden!
Get that coochie!
Cardi B. Dude, I want that coochies!
Isn't there gotta be, there's gotta be an artist out there, if he was going for, like, a black female who just isn't awful?
Nope.
Well, there's like, isn't, like, isn't Nicki Minaj a class act?
She makes Nicki Minaj like she's going to run for president.
Yeah.
I mean, she's totally classic compared to Cardi B. Who else do we have right now?
Actually, Nicki Minaj is insane.
I mean, you can just get Beyonce.
I mean, she's from Texas.
Yeah, get Beyonce.
She's great.
Or one of the other singers from Destiny's Child.
No, they're all, they're, yeah, no, Beyonce buried them.
Oh, yeah, they're gone.
Is that because they were more attractive than her?
There was a one girl in Destiny's Child who I thought was... I don't know which one.
I stopped following them when they rhymed down like that with down like that 19 times in a Charlie's Angels song.
Can we do a quick count?
I'm just curious.
Maybe Reginald Bandy can do this.
I'm curious how many images they're going to show of Bo, the good son, versus Hunter, the promiscuous, child-having, widow-dating son.
Nobody cares about this one.
Let's see, what is this?
This is nothing but pre-rolls tonight!
It's not even live!
Yeah, it still says live on there.
It's like Dave Chappelle or Key and Peele tossing to sketches.
Use of DOD footage does not constitute a support.
Wow.
Bo!
They're going Bo now like he's Jackson!
You know, he can play two sports at once!
He just ended at didn't know.
Look, he's bolder back then!
service here he can play two sports at once you never had to ask if you do
something the right way he didn't know any other way he just ended it didn't
know he turned look he's bolder back then yeah he is We're supposed to believe that he grew hair!
That is interesting.
When the field was clear for him to run for the Senate, he chose to finish his job as AG instead.
After 9-11, he joined the National Guard.
He felt it was his obligation.
He did his duty to his country and deployed to Iraq.
Joe Biden served his country in battle.
What was his full name?
Was it Beau?
Beau Biden.
That was his full name?
Yeah, Beau.
Beau, was it short for something?
No, that's a southern name.
No, I'm an asshole.
I thought for sure it was short for something.
I have no idea.
I don't care.
Hey, when are we getting a montage for Hunter?
Yeah, I want to see the black sheep of the family.
But he's one rich black sheep.
He's got that on us.
Oh, it's Beau.
Spelled like French.
Beau means handsome.
I had no idea.
But Beau Jackson.
B-O is Beau Jackson.
What was that short for?
Nothing.
B-O is different from bowl.
I know, they are different.
It's just B-O?
They're just B-O.
Well, that's silly.
I have no idea.
Oh, Bill Clinton got to you?
That's a tragedy.
He's genuine.
No, that's just the sniff.
but it's never had anything to do with his work for Biden.
Oh, Bill Clinton got you?
Oh my god!
Joe Biden's empathy is genuine.
You can feel it.
He's genuine?
That's why President Obama asked Joe to head out to the Cancer Moon Shop.
That's the vortex velocity of his nasal cavity suction.
God, I'm never going to watch Seinfeld again.
It's tainted.
God, man.
She looks good, though.
She always looked great, but she's a batshit crazy liberal.
No, no, they got an actress, guys.
They're just paying her.
She's like, this is a gig, COVID, you gotta take what you can get.
Just make sure you put first actress, then convention moderator.
Oh, it's Pete!
It's Pete Butt Gig.
Let's see what he has to say.
What me worry?
He's at a wedding reception.
I see he remembered his hair in a can tonight.
Bring up that picture of him when he was doing a Skype call on CNN or something and he was clearly bald.
Like you ever see those late night commercials where they're like, your wife will never know!
And it's basically just spray paint, that's what he uses.
Look at the space between his nose and his lip, he could grow one hell of a mustache.
That's a shame, man.
He has a space to grow a mustache.
Yeah, there's a lot of real estate there.
I mean, if he grew his mustache out, man, that'd be some thick stache.
He did.
It's there.
It's right there.
There's no testosterone to push it out, though.
Hormonally, he can't grow a stache.
I mean, he has the real estate.
Yeah, he could probably grow one mean, gait mustache.
Oh yeah.
Do we have the overlay of him?
We're getting it pulled up.
Alright, we're gonna pull up the overlay of Pete Buttgig.
And by the way, I know this isn't a debate night.
This is a non-event.
In case people are tuning in going, why aren't you showing more of it?
They've said zero.
There's no way to fact check nothing.
Look at that!
Look at that!
It looks like Pete Buttgig was seated in a paddling chair in Dark Crystal and new Pete Buttgig sucked out half his soul.
Did he get a hair transplant?
We also have Biden's hair plug.
Oh, do we?
Yeah, we have a good image of that.
Look at that.
Looks like an artificial Christmas tree.
Hey, don't knock those artificial Christmas trees.
I like artificial Christmas trees!
Set those up, take them down.
Not on my head!
All right, let's hear what he has to say in front of his little solar-powered nightlights.
Imagine what we could achieve.
This coalition we are building this very season, gathering progressives and moderates, independents, and even what I like to call future former Republicans.
You're crazy!
He lost their own viewers at Moderates.
Why the hell would a Republican join the Democrats, the modern Democrats?
Could be out of work, want a free handout?
No, they're too classy to do that.
I don't know.
What do we have here?
to call out what is good in everything.
The ratings are down 48% from 2016.
I wonder why.
And then, what's funny though is that if we bring up the overlay, CNN tried to claim it was only 26%.
And the reason is because they say, well if you add all the cable, then it's actually only 26% if you're comparing it to only the networks from before.
No, no, no.
Compare the networks to networks, right, which is what matters because those are the people who are at... Same stats.
Same stats.
It's a 48% drop from 2016.
You must have those overlays.
Yeah, we're getting them pulled up.
Hey, did you guys... I didn't realize this, and Reg, maybe you can fact check it, but my understanding is that the first night of the convention drew 25% less viewers than in 2016.
No, no, no.
It's 48%.
48% lower?
He wasn't listening to me at all!
That was 30 seconds ago!
No!
You said it wrong!
There's the overlay!
You said it wrong!
No!
It's 48%!
That one's wrong!
That's the second night!
They're down 48% total from 2016.
The first night, when they didn't even know how bad it was going to be.
So the number you're citing, that's CNN.
That's the number if you add all the cable networks, the cable news networks.
And the problem is that's not usually the metric because those networks are always running whatever it is politically.
All I hear is you're admitting I'm right.
No, I literally have it written right here.
I said CNN tries to claim it's only 26% and then my lawyer, who's supposed to be on my side, says CNN is right.
He's a stelter fan.
No, I don't need JFX.
Hold on, let's see Turtle's Club Booker.
Book your lake laugh!
Bernie, don't you laugh, because I got questions for you, like, why does my girlfriend like
you more than she likes me?
Because she's smarter than you, and that's the obvious answer.
Where is Biden?
By the way, could you imagine how shocked they would all be if he said to a woman, like, because he's smarter than you, they'd be like, oh!
How could you ever insinuate that a man is smarter than a woman in a mushroom cut?
And I actually do think Klobuchar is probably smarter than all of them, I'm not going to lie.
So we do have the CNN overlay.
It looks like the first night of 2020 was down 25%.
But again, they're using the number, adding up all cable.
That's what matters, is you need to compare ABC, NBC, CBS to ABC, NBC, CBS.
They're trying to compare specifically ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, CNBC.
And that's the point, is like every other objective, well I don't want to say objective, but most news outlets, and using a consistent comparison, it was down 48%, and they're trying to do the cable comparison.
Hold on, I want to hear what Klobuchar has to say, because she's a cut-up.
It goes to not only his kindness for calling me and being a mentor, but it also goes to how much he cares about our government and what people are saying.
A lot of people talking about him.
And that even when he's at home at night, he's watching and he cares.
I'm really excited for his speech.
But Amy, we all want to know, did your mother watch the speech?
Yes, that's what everyone wants to know about the potential leader of the free world.
Everyone wants to know, does your mother make good potato salad?
Why do I get the impression everybody we see talk they hate each other?
They just pretended?
No, I think that's probably likely at all of politics.
And I mean that all of them hate Cory Booker.
Did you see his fake laugh face?
Like he's losing his angel virginity.
Like he's losing his angel virginity.
Look at all!
That happened a long time ago.
It did happen a long time ago.
Look at all of them.
Jeez guys, read a newspaper.
Chief Paleface.
And by the way, that's the guy who's going to be the gun czar, Vado O'Rourke.
Good luck with that after you've just had the John Brown Socialist Gun Club.
You have more liberals buying guns than ever before because they're afraid of their own looters and rioters and for some reason white supremacists.
And then you have more first-time gun buyers than ever.
And what happened?
Did she get her hair cut by that vacuum suction hair cutter in Wayne's World?
What happened with that right now?
Give me the Legend of Zelda, Link to the Past, Sideburn action going on here.
It's like everyone here has deliberately had a crappy haircut just because they want everyone to know that they can't go to a barber because they take COVID seriously.
I think Blinkin's got the best haircut.
I do appreciate how most of them aren't even pretending to act like they're interested in being here.
Like, if you look at their faces, they're like, alright, is this over?
Especially Klobuchar.
She's like, really, guys?
Kamala?
Really?
Biden?
Really, guys?
And you know what's worse than being on a Zoom call?
Watching someone else's Zoom call.
Why are we watching 20 Zoom calls in one night?
This is horrible.
This is broadcasting.
Stay tuned!
After this, Bill Clinton will jerk off on Skype.
Is Bernard O'Rourke just, like, in a local library?
He's like, guys, I need this.
Now he was roleplaying for his OnlyFans account.
He's like, oh, let me stop by and endorse this.
Eh, you know, if I endorse this guy on the Zoom call, he's going to make me gun czar.
I don't know.
Buttons up his shirt.
I'm a librarian.
Buttons up his shirt, rides off on a skateboard.
Whee!
Radical!
And my faith in this country is reflective.
Yeah, and he's got his graph calculator.
He's like, look, I spelled boobs.
Anyway, endorse Joe Biden because he's what you got.
But he's so handsome.
And their urgency in the campaign that they're running and the administration that they're going to lead.
Oh!
This is a pre-taped Zoom call!
Did you hear that?
This is a pre-taped Zoom call!
Not only can Biden not be trusted, they can't trust people just endorsing Biden on a Zoom call!
Did you see that cut?
Look, each one of them has a little vomit can.
Look at that!
They didn't even try to hide it!
It's like 3 in the afternoon!
No, I'm in Brazil.
It's the same time zone.
You're just going down south.
Oh, dang it.
I'm in Tana.
I'm in Tana, Brazil.
I'm in the USSR.
Well, okay, we buy it.
All right, Bertie, you're off the hook.
Score one for the burn man.
And all of us, whether you're progressives, whether you're moderates, Whether you're moderates, by the way, speaking of moderates,
you would think, go ahead.
Ain't nobody in the Democratic Party a moderate anymore.
Do you know that Biden's lead over Trump dropped by two points after he announced Kamala Harris?
I don't even think he was leading to begin with.
But the fact that even the fake polls haven't gone... Hey, look!
It's the guy who banned Slurpees!
Yeah, it's the guy who wanted to pat down a bunch of black people.
Oh, he did.
He did pat down a bunch of black people.
He's off hours.
It's the guy who shows $300 million not enough.
It's all about people.
And the two people running for president couldn't be more different.
Slit mouth.
Are they talking about Kamala versus Joe?
You just ran a montage of fire hoses and German shepherds and MLK and you said that Donald Trump looks backwards.
No, Donald, I guess you could, in a manner of speaking, he looks backwards to January or February when black unemployment was at an all-time Technically that's a little bit of a glance in your rearview mirror.
Careful!
Shitty mayors may be larger than they appear.
It is unreal to me that they're talking about ones looking back.
All Joe Biden has done is run on the platform of racial division and hatred.
And by the way, he was the guy sowing those seeds back then!
So look at this thing at the bottom here.
Worth $55 billion per Forbes.
These are the things you've got to put on here, right?
Tammy Duckworth, you've got talking about her veteran history, her Purple Heart.
You've got this guy.
Hey, I just want to make sure at the end of this, I want to remind everyone that this guy was running for the Democratic presidential ticket and he's still hoarding $55 billion.
But don't worry, he's going to give everyone else's billions away, especially you middle class.
We're going to give it all away.
Just trust him.
The same part that wants to get money out of politics.
Hold on, let me see what he has to say.
say.
Before I ran for mayor, I spent 20 years running a business I started from scratch.
So I want to ask small business owners and their employees one question.
And it's a question for everyone.
Would you rehire or work for someone who ran your business into the ground?
And who always does what's best for him or her?
He is quite literally describing the only thing we know about Joe Biden's policy is that you should have a never-ending shutdown.
Would you vote again for the guy who shut your business down and ran it into the crowd?
They're making the case for President Donald Trump.
They're so tone deaf.
You could not reach out.
To an audience that would hate you more than small business owners right now!
De Blasio from New York City!
14,000!
14,000 empty apartments in New York City!
There aren't 14,000 billionaires on the list!
Let alone Manhattan!
They've left because you've screwed them!
The only thing they left were some plywood boards up on their business and some wire that was too small for a mouth.
I cannot believe it.
This guy just called out to small business owners saying, would you rehire Donald Trump?
Call out to anyone.
Like, call out to the Honduran caravan.
Call out to Cardi B's Instagram followers.
Don't try and call small business owners to the floor.
Bloomberg?
Wait so I guess what he's saying is if you want to hire a business owner hire the guy who's a career politician who's made less money as a private job than I'm sure Barron Trump's lemonade stand when he was nine.
Who would force all businesses to shut down indefinitely except for the businesses that he would force at gunpoint to double the testing somehow.
Are they actively trying to lose?
Like that's what all I'm seeing is that they're actively trying to lose.
Yeah, you know what, I wonder, I'm not a conspiratorial guy, but is Joe Biden pulling a Jake LaMotta at this point?
Let me hear what he has to say.
What a joke.
Ooh, that was some acting.
What a joke.
something he's incessantly talking about doing, but in the last three and a half years he
hasn't done anything. What a joke.
Ooh, that was some acting.
What a joke. It's like he couldn't get John Stossel's Give Me a Break because it's patented.
Yeah.
What a joke.
What a, what a, what a palooka.
Was that good?
Was that good?
I can do it again.
What a joke.
What a joke, guys.
Get me from the side this time.
What a joke, right, fellow small business owners and Negroes?
Trying to tell the difference between me and a guppy?
What a joke.
I don't know.
Can I?
I mean, they don't give you a pass at all, man.
I would stay away from the word Negro.
Far, far away.
Well, I didn't say it, I was quoting him.
Yeah, see, it's character work.
Character work.
I told you that my mom says Negroes, right?
She said it for a long time when she moved here because she's French.
And she was trying to say the less offensive thing.
And so it's even worse when she's foreign because, like, you know they assume she's some, like, Eastern Promises, Russian Mafia kind of thing.
Look, there's a bunch of Negroes over there.
No, she didn't say that.
You can't call them that.
Well, they're negroes.
No, she did say that.
She's like, uh, Denzel Washington, you know, for me, like, he's, people, like, that's the thing.
It doesn't matter, white or negro, he's a very good-looking guy.
You're like, oh my god, mom, stop that.
Stop being what you are.
Leaders who will bring integrity and stability, sanity and competence back to the White House.
Competence!
He said sanity.
Competence!
I feel like we're watching a hostage video with every single one of these.
They've got their hands tied behind this camera.
What was this shit?
Was it Judd Nelson from Breakfast Club?
He's expecting Wham!
to start playing.
Don't you!
I don't know if Bloomberg can.
I bet that was really funny.
I'd like a cabinet position.
I don't know if Bloomberg can.
I bet that was really funny.
By the way, don't you like the subtle messaging where they show all blue states?
It's a fantasy, it'll never happen.
I'm working on you.
While we're dreaming.
Hi, my name is Bridget Harrington and I'm 13 years old.
Brainwashed!
She doesn't seem to be brainwashed.
Oh, did you see he just looked off camera at the guy with the gun?
Daddy, please don't beat me!
Don't you mess up, boy!
Chozen over there, I'll sniff you, kid.
It's just his black adoptive mother snapping a belt.
He's got a stutter?
Oh, he's got a stutter? He's got a stutter. He's got a stutter.
He's got a stutter. It's so mean. This is so mean to do to a kid. It's mean man. Listen, if people are going to say it's
mean that we're saying... It is so mean to parade a kid out.
Yeah. Because it's like they said oh we need some... We don't have enough pre-recorded zoom calls. Bernie really screwed
the pooch by uh by broadcast it.
Broadcasting it from a summer beach home number four so we could see the afternoon. Can we go grab some more endorsements
from the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Man, what the hell is going on?
I'm Braden and I'm being used.
No, no, no, guys.
There's a very strategic reason he's being used.
Hold on a second, Reg the Bandit can please inform me because I want to hurt myself.
So there's a pretty specific reason they're having a kid with a stutter on.
They're saying the talking point for Biden with his gaffes and his chronic, you know, misspeaking from the Democratic Party is that he has a stutter.
I just sent you a Newsweek piece that you know is Giving apologies, saying, oh, you know, it's because Biden has a stutter.
CNN ran a puff piece saying Biden opens up about stuttering and offers advice to young people who stutter.
And so that's that's a talking point that you never heard.
You know, in past elections, everyone just laughed and said, oh, yeah, Joe Biden, he's always making gaps, whatever.
But as it's gotten worse and worse now, it's like, no, no, no.
He has a disability.
So you cannot.
You can't make fun of it.
That started this year.
I've never heard of a stutter causing you to make up places that don't exist, and lie about meetings with people you've never seen in person.
There are amazing and incredible people who have stutters who make it through, but they don't have these kinds of gaffes.
You can't go through... Jon Stossel has a stutter, and he had his Eustachian tube crushed like the kid in It's a Wonderful Life from that damn pharmacist by that wrestler guy, and he still made a go of it!
I mean, look, but that kid's not forgetting where he is.
I mean, he knows exactly where he is.
He's in a prison, on a studio, inside of another prison, being told to say these things.
I mean... Oh my gosh.
That just, like, I feel so... Is it not so transparent?
All they're talking about is, our strength is our diversity.
Here's a lady with a biotic leg.
Hey, look, here's someone with progeria.
Kid, turn up your stutter.
Exploding the key with a stutter.
Yeah, and are we supposed to think that Donald Trump is like beating disabled kids?
Like what?
Like, oh no, Joe Biden's pro-disabled kid.
Yeah, and by the way, keep in mind that this is the party who said that Sarah, right, they should have aborted the baby with a disability and also mocked the Santorums for their baby.
Yeah, same party.
The same party who actually support eugenics, right?
They believe that abortion should be an option if, not only do they believe it should be an option if your baby has defects, but they believe in sex-selective abortion, like China.
These are his granddaughters?
This is his granddaughters?
These are the granddaughters The briars that have half chocolate have vanilla
OH MY GOD All the people were talking about what ice cream he likes that he drools down his bib.
I told you not to get the Haggins, Dad.
Give my money to those Mexicans.
I only want Breyers.
Is this the Kroger brand?
Oh, I shit myself again.
Oh, Dad.
Stephen, what's wrong with your impression is that he's feeding himself.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right, it's just Jill going...
He's like...
He has good looking grandkids though, good looking family.
Yeah, lovely.
Guys, don't worry...
A vote for Biden is a vote for more white people.
So that's the DNC motto.
Keep it up, guys.
We're in favor of minorities, except for Presidents.
I wonder how Joe Biden would treat them at the Thanksgiving table if they started just reciting Cardi B lyrics.
Alright, who are you?
Are you Cardi B?
Hey Grandpa, pass the potatoes, my wet pussy!
That's not what we do here.
Rub it on her face like a credit card!
You're disgusting.
You're a disgusting granddaughter.
I am so ashamed.
That's not what we do here, family.
We only do that for votes.
By the way, how much do you want to bet that that kid knew he was going to be on national television, so he worked really hard to clean up his stutter, showed up, went through the run-through, and was like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
When we first met you, go back to that.
They definitely used the worst take.
Yeah, they absolutely used the worst take.
Yeah, they kept having him retake it until he got tired.
Like, here, here, have a little whiskey, it helps loosen the nerves.
Good, whiskey's good.
How's that stutter doing?
Gosh, so manipulative.
Is it still, is it still, is your stutter, is it still okay enough to make an endorsement, but bad enough that we can't tell?
He should at least use an adult, man.
He was an adult with a stutter.
Guys, I appreciate, though, that all the photos I've seen of Joe Biden tonight, the ones that they've selected, he has no mustard or ketchup stains, which is a big thing for him.
It's an improvement.
That's because they actually just cover him in cellophane like Greek families with their furniture.
Oh, hey!
What happened to my briars?
Hey, what the African American's talking about?
Hey, look, it's Steph.
Hey, they all look like me.
It's a good-looking family though.
How are those ten-year-olds voting?
I'm gonna get that robe for good voting.
What the hell are they talking about?
Someone get the Hot Twins beers because they're teetotalers.
One, because the social injustice is around the corner.
Oh, social injustice is around the corner.
Drink! Drink!
What the hell are they talking about?
Someone get the Hot Twins beers because they're teetotalers.
You need more beers?
Okay.
Me too.
Do you know where they are?
Do you know where they are?
The kids are trying to escape, guys.
Is it just me or does husband and wife look like brother and sister?
Do you know what the president's job is?
Do you know what the President's job is?
I'm asking for a friend.
Please tell me.
Joe asked me to ask this.
If you could create the ideal person to lead this country, what characteristics would that person have?
A very kind personality.
What would you like to see taken care of?
How do you feel about the man sniffing your scalp?
Let's ask a child.
What are we doing?
They wouldn't let Joe Biden alone in the room with those kids.
I guarantee you.
They would not let Joe Biden alone in the room with those kids.
They know exactly how that would go.
Be like, hey, oh, look at the, you come back from a cruise?
No, no, when he's down, I just have my hair, it's, oh, I have, my daughter did one time
on the cruise and...
Oh.
Steph looks like he's under duress.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, beers for Hodge twins!
Oh yeah!
Alright, once we pour the beer, I think we're going to do a truth-according-to-Smooth Manny segment.
I gotta warn y'all, when I get alcohol, it's going to turn into a hot mic.
Just careful.
Just be ready to turn it off.
You guys can say some words that Quarterback can kind of get away with.
Yeah, we need to pour it in their mugs there, because we don't want to be sued by the Bach.
Is this a new mug?
It's got juice in it, man.
Y'all need some new mugs, man.
Yeah, you didn't even check their mug for juice.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Don't put that in there.
Don't put that in there.
Oh, that's going to be a real hot mug if you pour some Jameson in there.
She's really pretty, though, Steph Curry's wife.
And Steph Curry's a really good-looking guy, and you know what?
They seem pretty sharp.
It's just a shame to see them effectively being whored out on this to the highest bidder right now.
Because you know what?
Guess what?
The reason this is something that I actually think would connect with most Americans is because it goes against everything the Democratic Party stands for.
Family, husband and wife, raising children, traditional gender roles.
Here's the big question.
Yeah, what is it?
How much of your time and energy are you willing to devote to elect Joe Biden?
Cause it's gonna take a lot of energy.
For me, it's this evening.
Well, you put a gun to me and I still ain't voting for him.
Is this where they do it?
This year, we're gonna elect a president who's honest, experienced, and intelligent.
Well, one out of three ain't bad.
Experienced, that's for sure.
Wow, did she just call Trump stupid?
Oh no, what are we gonna do?
One of my favorite things Joe Biden says... Is to re-prompt her!
She's also blinking SOS.
...for your commitment to family.
So, who better to introduce our nominee Joe Biden than his children?
Uh, someone qualified?
Hunter!
Hunter!
Bring him out!
You're like a TV host.
Joe Biden is our dad.
How long is he going to be talking for?
I thought that was going to go on for way longer.
We want to tell you what kind of president our dad will be.
Oh, we've already been on for two hours?
He will be tough and honest.
Karen.
Forgetful.
If they had him say honest, he looked like he was wincing when he said it.
He was like, honest!
Even when you don't want to hear it, they never let you down.
His left eye is not even moving.
That's because he threw up in his mouth a little bit.
You can never lean on.
He'll beam with pride every time you succeed.
He'll make your grandkids feel that what they've got to say matters.
He'll treat everyone with respect, no matter who you are.
He'll get up no matter how many times he's been knocked down.
He'll be the worst enemy any bully ever saw.
He'll be the best friend you ever had.
He'll love you with all of his heart.
He'll be the first man in the White House to put it in a reverse mortgage.
Selick is so convincing.
Will he raise America like he raised Hunter?
I think so.
Somebody take this kid off my back, I'm out of breath!
Put it right around front.
hear his strong voice just like it was yesterday.
He is smoking!
She is, yeah.
She's a good-looking lady.
And if he was here, we're pretty sure we'd know what he'd say.
Burger!
Burger, burger, burger!
You wanted to get those...
We gotta get that back up!
UGH! UGH!
UGH!
...in moments both public and private.
He's the father...
Now they cut to something that was in front of a live audience at some point.
Because they wanted it to seem like, you know, people care.
My father, my hero, Joe Biden.
He couldn't sell out the back room at Michael's.
What?
The craft store.
It's over.
Cut to black.
Oh.
Oh my gosh.
Gotta put the black people in there.
That's a different cut to black.
What if in this montage, there was just a slow-mo of Cardi being this... And they cut right before the... cut.
Which by the way, if you think I'm being vulgar, people who don't know Cardi, that's the person he chose to give the scoop to.
Yeah, it's the number one song in the world.
The exclusive.
That's the number one song in the world?
Top 100, number one!
Why else do you think Ben Shapiro was reading it?
Well, kids drive to music industries, so... Yeah, and they're all dumb.
Yeah!
Yeah, apparently kids too.
Apparently it's very different from my childhood.
At that point, we were still into creepy crawlers and Stretch Armstrong.
And those arms, like, they stick to the wall?
I thought it was naughty because, like, I listened to that song, Naked, on the Spice Girls B-side of the cassette tape.
I was like, oh my gosh, the Spice Girls are singing about being naked.
Yeah, my wife's naked!
And then on the album cover, you could see their midriff.
Yeah, you could see their midriff.
Then it was like Salt-N-Pepa.
That was too much.
We were like, push it.
Push it good.
Push it real good.
Now it's just like, you know, it's just like... Cut my asshole!
When I came out of my boyhood!
Cut my asshole!
Cut my asshole!
No, I'm not!
That's not even an exaggeration.
I'm not making it up.
There's an Instagram video.
I can't even show it.
An Instagram video.
You're obsessed with this song.
Don't make us bring up the lyrics.
No, it's in this song!
She has like 200 million followers.
That's why he reached out to her.
And then she's like, yo, when you clean... Again, for people there, if your kids are in the room, sorry, this is what's actually... But you know what?
They've already heard this song.
She's like, yo, when you clean your asshole, you gotta go in.
But I just came out of the boiler room.
Look at my pans, labyrinth, nails.
I cut my asshole.
Y'all gotta be careful not to cut your... And she's talking about that.
Asshole.
She has problems wiping her ass.
Them damn nails she got.
Gotta treat your ass all right like you in church!
I mean, it's instructional.
Thought Democrats hated family.
Yeah.
Generally.
You see, you see... They're lying.
That's the thing though.
Yeah, they only hate it when it's... black families.
That's true.
Yeah, they lose a voting base.
Right?
Why do I care?
For the first time.
The job is a lot more than a paycheck.
It's about dignity.
Dignity?
Even Barack doesn't want to listen to Joe Biden.
not a father and it was a lesson he would never forget the job is a lot more
than a paycheck it's about dignity Joe Biden was handled the task
It's like, don't talk to me like that, black man.
When is he supposed to actually speak?
Talk to me like that, black man.
Hello, my name is Joe Biden.
We've only done one one-minute commercial break.
We have like all these commercial breaks.
We have all these sketches.
Let's get him in.
Yeah, he's supposed to be speaking now.
Biden is supposed to be speaking right now.
Maybe we can, uh, let's wait for Biden and see what happens.
And then, you know what, if he's so bad, then you guys can vote.
Vote, send, and we'll have 2CuteMaddie bring up the, uh, the overlays of votes in the chat
who are watching at the blaze if you want a truth according to a smooth mani segment
or to hear Biden finish his speech and our commentary.
Yeah.
It allows that child to become an object of ridicule.
When his teacher mimicked him and Joe ran home from school, his mother drove him back.
Man, they're really pulling, dragging this out.
Are they gonna try and create a whole backstory with a stutter now?
Is this what they're gonna try and do?
Back when he was a kid and he had a stutter, which is really inappropriate to mock him about.
You saw that kid in the pink shirt with the whale logo, right?
He stuttered too!
If you mock one stutterer in Joe Biden, you're mocking that kid who stutters!
Yeah, they just tried to explain his weird behavior.
Making a T for it.
She make me look her in the eye, look at me.
Remember Joey, you're the smartest boy in that class.
She loved you, Joe!
Sorry, Joey!
What is this?
Yep.
There it is!
There it is!
They're doing it!
Is this a new thing?
Have they ever talked about Joe Biden?
No, never.
I've never heard of this.
I've never heard about this before.
And by the way, I still have yet to hear him stutter at all.
I hear him say functionally retarded things.
Why does she want a pool full of black kids?
Because Joe Biden didn't want them to swim.
He voted against that shit.
Don't you remember?
I let kids sit on my lap.
Yeah, if you look closely... He's like, there's black kids in the pool!
If you look closely, it's Biden with a thing of Clorox.
Jesus Christ.
I quit the law firm and asked for a job to become a public defender.
Is this a biopic?
How many black men did he get locked up?
He's a public defender?
Well, yeah, just by being shitty.
You know what's funny?
I wanted to leave my law firm where there's accountability, incentives, and a private enterprise, and I wanted to suckle at the government teat where it doesn't really matter if I have an entirely losing record.
Well, there it is.
The first time.
Who does him stuttering?
Nobody would hire him.
Screw it.
I'd just be a public defender.
Let's see if in any of these archive footage videos if there's him stuttering.
I've never seen him stutter.
No, there isn't.
I ran.
Go ahead.
Yeah, I ran the Google Trends on this.
So you can see that it literally was just a couple of months
ago that it became a thing.
The stuttering?
This guy was the vice president to the United... He ran for president, what, four times?
I'm talking about a guy whose campaign was riddled with scandal back in the 80s, then was forced to shut down, and it never came up that he had a stutter until he walked out like he drank a bucket of salt water and did an interview with Cardi B and couldn't find his way.
Like, really?
This is what they're doing at the stutter?
This is all it is?
You know what?
This is what happens.
When you don't really have, you have an old white guy who really, when your whole campaign, right, your whole strategy at the DNC has been victimhood, has been victim status, right?
You need to have a victim card.
All right, okay, we got a black, like when Kamala Harris, she first won her seat, they were like, ah, you know what, first black, first Indian.
They're like, ah, okay, first black VP.
They go, all right, Pete Buttigieg, gay guy.
All right, Cory Booker, gay guy.
And then they go with Joe Biden, they're like, what do we got?
I don't know, I don't know.
And he was like, a stutter!
They need something so that they can shield them from criticism.
No, we don't dislike you because of your stutter.
We dislike you because you were part of an administration that saw the middle class shrink, barely outpaced inflation, that you supported segregation, you say a bunch of racist, stupid crap, and we know that the rest of the world would be laughing at us.
And I know you say that about Donald Trump, but the truth is Donald Trump is at least the kind of crazy that keeps people on their toes, like the kind of guy you don't really want as a cellmate because you don't know if you're going to wake up the next morning, right?
At least he keeps people honest.
Joe Biden would expose us to vulnerabilities that we haven't even imagined yet.
He can't take a debate with Donald Trump.
We're supposed to believe that he's going to stare down Putin?
Look at those dentures back then!
Did they zoom white in the photograph?
Sorry.
Back in the biopic.
What we can't have is a president who's capable and doesn't have any disabilities and is the consequence of his own actions.
How dare you say that?
How long was FDR in a wheelchair?
I don't know.
Years.
Yeah, can someone bring that up?
How long he was in a wheelchair?
I don't want to misspeak and then talk about a campaign or something.
But do you think he was rolling out like, Alright, make sure you tell them about my wheelchair first!
That should be first!
That should be first!
People should announce me!
They rebuilt the desk.
They rebuilt the desk to cover it up.
Yeah, because he wanted to project strength.
And Joe Biden is making up a condition that I'm not even sure is really a condition.
A stutter is a medical condition that usually involves more than just a stutter.
Hmm.
It's not like you just stutter. Usually there's some kind of a central nervous issue going on.
There's some kind of a tick. Sometimes there's some kind of a comorbidity or some kind of a
psychological, psychiatric condition. It's not usually just a stutter. So in other words, Joe
Biden, what has come along with the stutter? Is it shingles?
Right? Did you not get your TB vaccine or something?
So I'm counting a 97 to 1 ratio on Boe to Hunter now.
Also it's still about 30 to 1 even showing pictures of Joe Biden compared to Bo Biden.
I think Bo's the candidate.
For sure, I'm gonna mask.
Whatever helps cover up his stutter.
Very real stutter.
Forged unlikely friendships.
With only one.
Alright!
one. Alright! No! He's not going to do it! He's not going to do it! He's not going to
do it! He's not going to do it! He's not going to do it! He's not going to do it! He's not
He didn't!
Hold on, let me find some... I think I have some info here on the Joe Biden.
I don't even know.
I write down these thoughts and then I know I'm like that.
Hey, how come they haven't showed that quote of him calling someone a dog-faced phony soldier?
Yeah.
We do have that.
Or the clip of the guy he tells to stand up who's actually in a wheelchair.
Yeah.
We have that?
Or asking somebody to do push-ups.
Yeah, but nobody's showing that clip on CNN.
Or how about this quote?
It doesn't matter whether they were deprived as a youth.
Talking about black people.
It doesn't matter whether or not they're a victim of society.
The end result is they're about to knock my mother on the head with a lead pipe.
By the way, I don't think Joe Biden is racist.
I don't think Donald Trump is a racist.
I just want to hold him to the same standard, and he's an idiot.
Let's see if he fakes stutters!
Let's see if he fakes stutters!
Drink every time he fakes stutters!
Left us with this wisdom.
Give people light.
And they will find the way.
Give people light.
Those are words for our time.
You got a light?
Don't hide it under a bushel, you person of color!
Too much anger.
Too much fear.
Too much division.
No shit, Joe.
If you entrust me with the presidency, I will draw on the best of us, not the worst.
I'll be an ally of the light, not the darkness.
Did you say the white?
I'll be an ally of the whites, not the darkies.
I don't get it, Joe.
Make no mistake.
United, we can and will overcome this season of darkness in America.
Overcome what season of darkness?
You're talking about the greatest the country had ever been until you guys shut businesses down and started riots, which you still have yet to c-c-c-c-condemn, Junior.
He's talking about Black Lives Matter, that's what he's talking about.
The darkness.
I accept this nomination for President of the United States of America.
Of course you accept it!
It's all you've ever wanted!
I will be a Democratic candidate.
I will be an American president.
No you ain't, by definition.
Yeah, you have to be.
As hard for them as I did for those who did vote for me.
No stutter.
How does it happen that a stutter completely goes away if it's on prompter and you don't say retarded stuff?
Hey, that's not how a stutter works, by the way.
He's stuttering all over that little girl.
What a many times he, uh, taped this.
Dammit, Joe, it's the 100th time, Joe!
No, it's a hologram.
It's like Tupac.
Yeah, it doesn't have to be live.
Nothing else has been live, but they've left the live part.
Dammit, Joe, you can't say darkies!
But they were in the pool!
He was on the teleprompter!
Pledged a new deal in a time of massive unemployment, uncertainty, and fear.
Stricken by a disease, stricken by a virus, FDR insisted that he would recover and prevail, and he believed America could as well.
How did he get that wrong if that was written in front of him?
Like, he corrected disease to virus.
Does that count as a gaffle?
No, is he really smart where he just has a speechwriter who's an idiot who miswrote and he felt like thinking I was correct?
Do we want to believe that?
Or do we want to believe that he's just an idiot who misspoke?
Not just the privileged few at the top.
Like yourself?
Winning for those communities who have known the injustice of a knee on the neck.
Oh, come on, man.
For all the young people who have known only America... That's like one guy, by the way.
All the communities who have known the injustice of, like, that's, if you're really, you need to broaden your horizons of voting demographics.
The knee on neck vote is not that coveted.
It's not the best guy.
You know, no generation ever knows what history will ask of it.
All we can ever know is whether we're ready when that moment arrives.
You're not ready, Joe.
Now history has delivered us to one of the most difficult moments America has ever faced.
Not that bad.
Four!
But you were saying that in March!
Yeah.
They were saying this shit when Trump got elected.
But they were saying it when we had the best economy.
And we'll have that again.
Yeah.
They're saying it.
It's like, now it's kind of true because you guys made it so by shutting down basically the entire economy.
And if you would have your way, do it until Bill Gates shows up with his microchip vaccine.
I'm joking.
But...
Windows 98, don't trust him with a TV shot.
The point is, Bill Maher, remember he said, oh I hope we have an economy crash, because you know what, at a certain point it's more important.
Because the economy was so good, and it is so good, the fundamentals are still so sound, they need to try and drill it into people's heads that there's uncertainty outside of the uncertainty that they've created with their lockdown.
People are more confident in the economy than ever.
I don't trust Bill Gates trying to kill a virus in human.
He can't even fucking kill him in computer jail.
You have to get McAfee who dumps through a hammock hole.
McAfee is the virus.
This will determine what America is going to look like for a long, long time.
Character is on the ballot.
Compassion is on the ballot.
Decency.
Science.
Democracy.
They're all on the ballot.
Yes, on the red side.
Democracy is the ballot.
We are as a nation.
Democracy is the ballot.
It kind of is.
It's like a definition of it.
Would you like to have democracy?
Vote yes or no.
It's in, with, and under the ballot.
No rhetoric is needed.
Oh good!
Then shut the f**k up!
5 million Americans infected by COVID-19.
Drake!
More than 170,000 Americans have died.
By far the worst performance of any nation on Earth.
Lies!
Lies!
Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies!
Per capita deaths are actually fantastic compared to many countries.
And they're significantly better in blue states.
In red states, sorry, than blue states.
If you look at the worst states as far as COVID deaths, these are states that had severe lockdown measures.
And by the way, almost synonymous with horrible nursing home policies because, surprise, surprise, Blue states, huge bloated bureaucratic government is inept, right?
So blue states have done significantly worse as far as deaths per thousand, deaths per million, deaths per capita, but they've also done unbelievably worse as it relates to the unemployment rates and economies.
If you look at certain areas of New York right now, 40% unemployment.
You can't find that in any red state.
I'm sure that you can find him somewhere in some hills with some people who, you know, the hills have eyes or something.
But the point is, we're talking about a major state in a major city, okay?
So let's just, we're doing worse.
No, and by the way, this is something too that CNN lied about.
I think Chris Cuomo, I don't even know if we have a clip where he said, wow, why is it that we're, we're actually, our economy is shrinking by 32% and Germany is only 11%.
No, dummy!
Germany's economy has actually shrunken more than the United States.
It's that we use an annualized rate.
So our rate was something like 10 point something percent, while Germany that had more lockdowns and I believe less deaths per capita, I'm not entirely sure, had an 11 percent shrinking of the economy.
So how does CNN not know?
But that's not what the prompter said.
How does CNN not know that you can't compare an annualized rate and a quarter?
Because Joe's making it up right now.
I'm surprised he's going this long.
He's talking about endurance, ain't he?
They stuffed smelling salts up his nose.
This is practically a marathon for the guy.
You know like with Hillary Clinton, they had to stab her with a bazipam-pam like the guy from 310 to Yuma?
With him they have to do it with just amphetamines like he's fighting in pride.
I see a different America.
You don't see shit, Joe.
One that's generous and strong.
Too many eye lifts.
Selfless and humble.
It's an America we can rebuild together.
You didn't build that!
He's gonna kill the virus.
He's gonna kill it.
He's gonna take care of the virus.
I'm gonna kill it!
I saw the deep blue sea!
But if you die, the virus dies with you.
You ate my bird!
Drink.
How do you deal with it?
Have you noticed this?
Nothing.
Nothing concrete until we deal with this virus.
How will you deal with it?
Can we go to his website?
Can someone bring up some Joe Biden policy?
Anything.
How's he going to deal with the virus?
All I've heard is that he said he would force private companies to double testing.
By the way, isn't it interesting that they're going to force private companies to double testing, but they're not going to force private delivery services to speed up ballot voting because they want the most incompetent shitheads they can possibly have handling our mail-in votes?
Like, you know what?
Hey, we really want mail-in votes.
Let's enlist the Amazon Prime fans.
Let's go to FedEx.
Like, no, no, the only one who can handle a job this important is the 13 years losing money running USPS!
So Biden's policy on his website is that he wants to strengthen the federal government, specifically the executive, to have a decisive public health response as well as a decisive economic response.
And yet in every moment, in every turn in the last six months, has said Trump can't and shouldn't do anything or direct anything.
Keep in mind, he said that Donald Trump was xenophobic because of the travel ban, and he said it was mass hysteria.
But it says decisive response.
What's a decisive response?
That's like when people talk about their journey on tantric yoga, right?
They're like, oh, and it is all about being present, and your body is entirely releasing energy, and it's about being one with... What are you talking about?
You're saying nothing.
You look into each other's eyes and pant.
What is he saying?
Does he say what the decisive policy is?
Or just, I want to have a decisive policy!
He's talking a whole bunch of nothing.
In short, we'll do what we should have done from the very beginning.
And what is that?
Our current president has failed.
Nothing.
In his most basic duty to the nation.
He's failed to protect us.
He's failed to protect America.
Do you mean no major wars, asshole?
Versus more drone strikes on civilians than anyone?
What the fuck is he talking about?
He hasn't protected us?
Up until your voting base rioted, we also had record low crime.
We can rebuild it together, though.
There's definitely a bunch of progressives burning up.
I understand how hard it is to have any hope right now.
What?
This is the problem with the left.
They only have hope in people, right?
Some deity.
Joe Biden's gonna... And it's just really tough to do when you had that hope in a charismatic person like Barack Obama, who was new, who people thought had good ideas, even though they had the wool pulled over their eyes.
But when you have to hope for some transcendent political figure to save you, and instead you get Joe Biden.
So that's why it's hard right now, because they don't believe in self-reliance, right?
I mean, you guys know about this.
You were talking about it when you used to be liberals.
They believe that the deck is stacked against them, and it needs to be someone changing the system, and the person changing the system who's going to fix all the problems is the guy who has suckled at the dollars of the system for 40 years.
Yeah, all liberals think the government should give you the American dream.
Hold on, guys.
They zoomed in.
They zoomed in.
Serious.
It's God's children.
I mean, he made a dookie in our lives.
do you think that on the bottom half of the country he's just swinging his head
I don't think he just made doors of opportunity they zoomed in with Elvis so
they didn't see his head once again He made it as a man.
Right off camera, Joe Biden's going, Do you have to make?
Man, fuck you, Joe!
Stop whispering at me, man!
That's what angers you most about tonight?
This motherfucker's getting all fucking whispering and shit.
He's getting all whispering.
You know, my dad was an honorable, decent man.
His dad was an honorable?
But he always got back up.
I'd like to meet that guy!
Sounds like a better guy than you.
He used to say, Joey, I don't expect the government to solve my problems, but I sure as hell expect them to understand them.
What the fuck does that mean?
You voted for a fucking Democrat, you're brain dead.
Boy, what's true with the beer, they really are hot money.
Now boys, that's okay, you can use potty mouth, just stay away from these slurps.
I fell for this shit for years!
I once voted for Al fucking Gore!
I was so lost, man!
It's a personal attack, yeah.
Dignity.
Respect and community.
Together we can and will rebuild our economy.
And when we do, we'll not only build back, we'll build back better.
Like you did under eight years of Obama?
A thousand year pay increase!
Under Obama, eight years, five thousand, in like two and a half, three years.
To every community.
With five million new manufacturing and technology jobs.
I'll go on the record and say this.
If you out there, anyone watching, if you believe that we had a better economy, if you would prefer the economy that existed under Barack Obama at any point than Donald Trump at any point, you're a succubus who is providing nothing of value to society.
I mean that.
Anyone who is working for a living, anyone who is paying taxes, anyone who is actually paying into the system cannot, logically, cannot objectively say that this economy was better under Barack Obama or even in the same league.
You can say that he liked peeing on Russian prostitutes on the Formica table.
Even though there's no evidence.
You can say you wish that they got him on the Russia collusion, even though there's no evidence.
You can say that he's mean.
You can say that he tweets too much.
You can say that he eats McDonald's and he drinks Diet Coke and maybe he's... You can say all those things, but you cannot objectively say if you are anything other than a non-contributing shitbag that the economy is not better under Donald Trump for you and your family.
You know what they're gonna call you?
I don't b-b-b-believe you!
You know what they're gonna call you as soon as you finish saying that?
You such a racist.
I know!
I know!
He's no Biden.
He's still going, man.
This is amazing.
It's not only a crisis, it's an enormous opportunity.
Yeah, you know who told him that?
to lead the world in clean energy.
By the way, that was a Freudian slip.
Don't let any crisis go to waste.
This isn't only a crisis that we created, it's an enormous opportunity, we hoped.
Yeah, you know who told him that?
His friends in the Chinese government.
After we burn down all the buildings and businesses, we'll build it back up.
I thought he was talking about climate change.
I think he actually was.
It's like nobody cares.
Why do you keep talking about this clean energy bullshit?
Like everything's gonna be solar and windmills.
Why couldn't it?
We're sleeping outside.
Another bird, man.
Did someone get Don Quixote?
windmill stopped working. Now the wind stopped blowing.
We're sleeping outside.
Not the bird, man.
Took it down.
Can someone get Don Quixote?
Social Security is a sacred obligation.
I'll settle for a panza.
A sacred promise made. They paid for it. The current president is threatening to break
that promise.
He's proposing to eliminate a tax that pays for almost half the social security.
Yeah, it's called people having more money and spending it, dumbass.
If you actually look at the tax revenues, it's remarkably similar.
Which again, I'm not going to say that tax revenues are higher under Donald Trump.
I'm sure Reg can probably find this.
I think they were slightly less.
But when you consider how much less people are paying in income taxes, you understand why the Laffer Curve exists.
You understand that you can only tax people so much.
Did you guys hear when it was Cuomo in New York?
Cuomo in New York was saying, I'm getting on the phone with... No, no, no.
We can't have a wealth tax.
I'm getting on the phone with billionaires offering to make them dinner because, don't you understand?
These billionaires are the most mobile people in the world and they're already taxed at the highest rates.
We can't screw New York City even more.
And I thought it was a Babylon Bee article.
Turns out Cuomo said that shit!
Hey, you're gonna cut the taxes!
No, no, no!
The revenue is about pretty much the same because people have more money and they spend it.
They put it into the economy.
These are people who do not understand economics whatsoever, and more importantly, they don't want you to understand economics.
And let's just say, let's say the tax revenue, let's say it was two trillion less.
Let's say it was $2 trillion less under Donald Trump than Barack.
It still wouldn't make a dent!
And it's not.
It's not.
I think Reg has those numbers.
I think it was slightly less when you account for inflation, the revenues under Donald Trump than Barack Obama, when you take into account that people are paying way less.
And there's usually a rubber band effect, by the way, when that happens, when you cut taxes and people pay less.
Businesses hire more.
I can tell you this.
We hired two more people here at Louder With Crowder because of the small business tax relief.
Because of the change in taxes, we invested, we could bet more on ourselves and hire more people.
Yeah, so in 2018, the federal revenues actually went up a little bit.
Oh, really?
Yeah, they went up some, and then I think they dropped a little bit in the following year.
So yeah, not a huge difference.
So they went up, and they went down a little bit, only people have a lot more in their account because they're paying less in taxes and have an average salary increase of $5,000.
Haha, well that seems like a bargain.
Let's see what Dr. Shit-His-Pants has to say.
She's an educator.
A mom, a military mom.
And unstoppable force.
Who's he talking about?
If she puts her mind to it.
Himself.
Just get out of the way.
She's going to get it done.
Transition.
She was a great second lady.
And I know she'll make a great first lady for this nation.
She loves this country so much.
And I'll always have the strength that can only come from family.
Then why don't you talk about family, Joe?
Why don't you talk at these riots and protests and the violent outbreaks and talk about how the single greatest indicator we have as to whether a child will end up having a family of his own, as to whether he'll graduate high school, go to college, commit crimes, have behavioral disorders, have an abortion, commit a violent crime, commit a felony.
The single greatest indicator we have, the single most reliable predictor, is not how much money is being spent in their public school, is not How many people do we have in the village to raise a child?
It's not the federal budget, it's do they have a mommy and daddy and are they still in the house together?
Why don't you go out and talk about that?
If you're saying you can only draw on strength that comes from a family, how about you change the welfare laws that encourage baby mamas?
How about that?
If they believe that taxes are so effective at curbing or manipulating behavior, and they believe that, right?
Because they want to tax gas and energy.
Hopefully, when you see that gas is so expensive, you'll start using less in your car.
They want to tax big gulps.
Why?
Because they think that if you see how expensive they are because of the taxes you're paying on big gulps, you're no longer going to purchase big gulps.
They want to put astronomical taxes on cigarettes.
Why?
Because they believe that'll curb your behavior if they decide to put taxes on cigarettes, so you'll do it less.
Yet, for some reason, they still incentivize single-parent households in our current social safety nets and welfare programs.
They know that taxes can affect behavior.
They use it unconstitutionally all the time!
And they disincentivize starting a business.
Yes!
Starting a business, starting a family.
Those are bad things.
They also disincentivize Income!
Never with Joe around.
Never close your eyes.
Never close your eyes.
Close your eyes and take a sniff.
What is he talking about?
It's about Nazis, man.
Really?
What'd you guys do for Israel?
You and Bucky Obama, buddy.
What'd you do?
Huh?
What went down with Iran?
Why don't you tell us how you gave it to them?
They ain't doing shit about these damn black lives matter beating up white people either.
Right.
Oh, they don't care.
They're gonna have Cardi B out there with a megaphone.
Get him!
That's not hate.
My father taught us that silence was complicity.
If Joe's father's laughing, he'll bitch slap him.
You would hope.
Boy!
At the time... But, you know, I mean, we don't know.
Dementia could run in the family.
You may not recognize him.
And we are.
You know... Man, I thought he was done!
Did he just compare Trump to Nazis?
That's what it sounded like.
He's gonna cry now.
They exploit everything that's bad that's happened in this country.
Gianna Floyd.
He's going to cry now.
Her daddy, George Floyd, is laid to rest.
They exploit everything that's bad that's happened in this country.
I'll never forget it.
When I leaned down to speak to her, she looked in my eyes and she said, and I quote,
Daddy changed the world.
Daddy changed the world.
Wow.
And then I took a big sniff.
Her word burrowed deep into my heart.
That's crazy.
Baby George Floyd murder.
You know what though, this is why people say, well why does it matter?
This is why it matters because you know what?
That girl, it's really sad that she's going to grow up without a dad because he made horrible
decisions and unfortunately there was bad training at the police department.
As far as I'm concerned, when you watch the whole tape, that cop did zero wrong outside of using the techniques that were taught to that police department.
You can find the flyer right now where they show people with knees on necks, which is horrible, that's horrible training.
There was no malice, there was no racism.
But you know what's really sad about that?
Is that no one sees the irony that thank God, that that little girl, Floyd's girl, was not the girl who was at the house of the lady who George Floyd mugged and robbed at gunpoint while his buddies pistol-whipped her.
She had a one-year-old in the house with her.
He changed the world.
Let's be honest about what it is.
If you want to bring up every single flaw that Donald Trump has, despite the fact that as a president he's done a damn good job, well how about you talk about the fact that this guy who changed the world was a serial violent felon?
And by the way, wasn't spending much time with that girl.
That girl could have used a dad instead of a mugger.
Yeah.
That's just too much common sense there, Steve.
You know, it's one of those things, two wrongs don't make a right.
But there's wrong and there's an accident.
And if you go and watch, you guys watch the full George Floyd tape.
And you understand that that was the technique.
I don't know why it was taught to members of the police department.
That cop didn't do anything wrong.
He followed policy.
And they called the ambulance twice.
And they gave him every opportunity to get in the car.
They not only gave him the opportunity, they said, we'll stay with you, we'll roll down the window and turn on the air.
And this guy, he just talked about fermenting hate?
You're asking for a lynch mob to go to that cop's house who was compassionate, empathetic, and barely used any naughty words.
Yeah, I find it weird that he's claiming he's got claustrophobia, but he was a big man.
He was in the front seat of the car.
It wasn't very much space, then all of a sudden when he's getting arrested, oh, I got claustrophobia.
No, he has incarcephobia.
That's what he was trying to say.
Joe Biden stuttered.
He's getting out of an old Metro Geo and he has no qualms with it.
Joe Biden stuttered.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
Incarcophobia.
Incarcophobia.
He's getting out of an old metro geo and he has no qualms with it.
Then all of a sudden they want to put him in the back of a Suburban.
He's like, oh, I can't.
I'm claustrophobic!
I was talking to a cop at the airport about that whole incident.
People like George Floyd, the drugs he had in his system.
A lot of them, they find them in jail dead.
Oh, all the time?
Heart attacks, all the time.
Yeah, he had lethal amounts.
You're talking about fentanyl and methamphetamine.
And he just had COVID.
Yeah.
That dude had everything.
And listen, it's absolutely sad that somebody died who didn't need to die and that a girl doesn't have a dad.
Yeah, exactly.
But we also don't need to layer tragedy on top of tragedy and now ruin their lives.
Didn't we learn anything from ruining Darren Wilson's life with Mike Brown?
Yeah.
That poor guy never gets his life back.
He asked to serve the black community.
That's why he was in Ferguson.
George Floyd's cause of death was a heart attack, right?
He had heart disease too, right?
You know, they're claiming that was the white medical examination.
They're hiring their own third party and it shows that it was clearly the cops and he had his neck.
So, who knows?
He says, she says, what?
Joe's getting angry now.
Oh, is he?
He's got his angry furrow brow.
Oh, thank God it's over.
Look at him.
They're playing gospel music.
He's like, can I walk away now?
Look at his wife.
Come on.
Somebody has to hold him by the shoulder.
They pre-taped clapping on the Zoom call.
Yeah.
You know they pre-taped clapping.
They cut away as soon as they saw.
Did you see that?
They're all looking to their left.
There's no way they could see them.
They're all laughing.
Laugh and clap now.
Yeah!
Yeah!
It's over.
What are you waving at?
And by the way, they didn't have to do this.
Look at Kamala.
They could have easily done this in front of a live audience.
She's laughing at herself, like, they're not really crapping, are they?
Look at us.
This is all pre-recorded.
Wear their masks.
Oh my, that, okay, I will say this.
We've done a lot of live streams in our day, and then it's, you know, you never know, because it can be a hit or miss.
As far as what, there is nothing to fact, there was nothing to fact check.
There was nothing there, it was just clips and clips and clips.
There was nothing, it was clips of, you know, my daddy, he likes Breyers.
And he is h-h-h-h-h-hooked on phonics.
Oh my God, look at that African American female.
She's a sellout.
She married a white man.
He is white, huh?
Yeah, she's such a sellout.
That's how we're supposed to view things now, everything through the prism of race.
I was just saying, we have some costumes.
Oh, we have some costumes!
80s costumes night.
We'll pull it out.
Sorry, Smooth Manny, we'll have to do your Cube of Saturn another day.
I was looking forward to that.
We'll have to learn the truth later.
We'll do it.
We have some other bits that we'll get to on Monster.
I just got so mad with the bullshit.
That's all good.
His shit went with the landslide, right, Trump?
I hope so.
I mean, this country should not be this dumb.
It's not dumb, it's people, I will say this, human beings are selfish.
Are naturally selfish.
And unfortunately, they also have short memories.
So it doesn't mean that people are dumb, but when you've told them that the deck is tacked against them, that the system is broken, and then you've proactively broken the system, as they've done right now with the COVID, and supporting the riots.
You know, over close to a billion dollars in property damage, 900 officer casualties, 14,000 arrests, and you've tried to put Americans in a state of fear and then promise them a handout?
I think, unfortunately, that is a recipe to gain some votes.
Not because they're idiots, but because people are inherently selfish.
And, really, it comes down to conservatives are inherent... everyone is inherently selfish, and then you combine selfishness with what is morally...
allowable, what is morally permissible in the idea of not intervening in someone else's life,
along with logic. Because even if you're selfish, you understand that, put it this way, if the
Democrats are the party of the poor, they need more Americans, at least a plurality of Americans,
to stay poor.
If Republicans are the party of the rich, they need at least half the country to be, or at least think, that they can be rich.
So one has to be hopeful, and one has to be, well, everything's stacked against you, I'm going to be your savior until the next Democrat comes on down.
Listen to the difference between, they can say Donald Trump is mean, sure.
They can say that Donald Trump is immature, bombastic, absolutely.
But Donald Trump's message is absolutely one of hope and optimism.
And hey, and he's not saying we can get back to, people say he wants to say we can get back to the 50s.
No, he's saying we can get back to January, which was the greatest our country has ever seen.
Until everyone in the media and the left said it was mass hysteria when I tried to put in a travel ban, and now they're shutting down the economy.
There's a huge, huge difference when you look at zero information, zero policy proposals from Joe Biden, and nothing but negativity, but nihilism, and the deck is stacked against you.
But the good news is the guy who's been in government for 40 years and done nothing will fix it in four.
He'll fix it this time.
He'll fix it this time.
Alright, let's go to the costume winners.
Who do we got?
Alright, we have Hall and Oates.
Me and the husband.
Is that?
Oh, is that?
I can't see.
That's a lady.
Oh, good for her.
Hall and Oates.
A lady with a mustache.
That's not bad at all.
I respect that.
Miracle on Ice.
Yep, yep.
That's a good one right there.
I like that.
She's also outside, which means... And then we have the winner!
I like this guy!
It's not a fat Albert, it's the Kool-Aid guy.
Alright, well what's his name, Ron?
Ron Mazur.
We will be getting you a merch pack and a lock of post-rehab MJ's hair.
That was some good costumes you guys put together pretty quickly for a really crappy night of people speaking on Skype.
Look what I've got the mask on now.
Yeah, they just left so far. It's like the UFC.
It's like the UFC.
Because now that they've gone outside, they need the mask.
No, but they didn't need it inside.
Right, right.
Now they have to go outside in the open air.
Put it on safe.
Make safe.
Put your blanket on.
God, I hate Democrats.
Man, Keith, dude.
Ugh.
They're standing alone on a stage, husband and wife, wearing masks.
Just think of it. This is a Democratic Party right now.
It is all about... I mean, they're charlatans.
They're absolute charlatans.
Look at this.
They're putting masks on.
There is no possible way they could be... That girl, they don't even have a mask on.
Where's the sheriff, man?
Someone arrest her.
Someone fine her.
At least she... and she's half inside her car.
Gosh.
Joe Biden's just on an outdoor stage.
This is the thing, they don't believe any of this shit.
They really don't.
They really don't.
Do you really think that these people are afraid for their life and that's why they're wearing a mask?
Do you think that's why he looks like Reptile from Mortal Kombat?
He does.
No, it's because right now he's like, oh, photo op, they're going to be taking the picture for tomorrow's papers so I better make sure I put my mask on because it was a pre-tape before.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't even think he just gave that speech.
Look, his hair is different.
Yeah, this is in Vegas, I think.
Where is this right now?
Is this in Vegas?
No, it says Wilmington, Delaware.
Where'd you get Vegas from?
You're drunk, go home.
Every night in Vegas is far worse.
Again, the promo code, I think it's still up here for the next 24 hours from the start of this stream.
$20 off if you enter in CrowderDNCStream at lottoespowder.com slash MugClub.
And on top of that, we have to make sure to thank the people who are sticking by us during all of this, during the height of cancel culture, Black Rifle Coffee.
Oh, that's right.
You can go ahead.
The boys got it over there right between them.
Hey, if you're in trouble, grab the coffee.
If you Republican and you ain't drinking Black Rifle coffee, then you ain't conservative.
Seriously.
I mean, if you're going to support a business, these guys are ex-veterans.
I know them personally.
These are some good guys.
And besides, this is some damn good coffee.
Damn good coffee.
Let's be honest, they don't drink coffee.
They're more Red Bull guys.
But!
I like a good cup of tea.
Do you?
Yeah, I drink coffee.
Do you drink coffee?
How do you drink it?
A lot of milk.
No, but Sid, this is good coffee.
My wife loves it.
BlackRifleCoffee.com slash Crowder.
And I don't know, do they still need to enter in the promo code Crowder?
Just go to the promo code Crowder.
You get 20% off your first order.
And I will say, I'm a huge coffee snob.
And by the way, to Chael Sonnen, who just got into coffee, we're going to be sending you a bag pretty soon because he finally sent me some of those healthy cereal boxes.
Listen, it's one of those things, it's a gimme.
If you drink coffee, It's unfortunately one of the great hazards that you have to navigate in the grocery aisle that almost all coffee companies, and certainly they hate everything you stand for.
If you look into what Starbucks and a lot of these companies, Black Rifle, is better coffee.
They hate you.
It's fresh roasted.
Yeah.
It's veteran owned and they do a lot for veteran causes and that's great, but it is better coffee.
And at the very, let's say it wasn't owned by veterans.
Let's say it just, it was owned by non-assholes who didn't hate everything you stand for.
And it is.
Wouldn't that still be enough?
You're going to be drinking that coffee every morning.
Might as well be better coffee that's not owned by people who want to destroy the very fabric of Western civilization.
Yeah, that's it.
BlackRifleCoffee.com slash Crowder.
We should also have a Loud Earth Crowder.com slash BlackRifleCoffee.
Let's do it.
Yeah, they even got a store in San Antonio.
They do?
Yeah.
Great coffee, I'm telling you.
You can go buy a cup of nice coffee.
Oh, that's right.
They sent me... You can buy a gun.
Right next door.
You buy a coffee walk, next door there's a gun shop.
I need a gun.
Actually, Evan at Black Rifle sent me that wonderful, it was like a $5,000 espresso machine from the San Antonio shop.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then USPS played kickball with it.
Where it was totally broken and it was going to cost me $2,400 to repair.
Hey, that's an institution, Steve.
You can't talk about that, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was poking out of the box.
They should be in charge of the election.
Actually, the metal frame was poking out of the box.
You'd think someone there would've been like... They were checking it for defects.
Oh, yeah, but we want them to handle the election of the free world.
Did it say your name, Stephen Crott, on it?
Uh, I don't think so.
I don't have anything delivered to my name.
Stephen Crott, I hate this asshole.
Let's play soccer.
We did that when we got here.
We just kicked it.
Yeah, that's why.
Well, it was ruined.
So, I do know about the store in San Antonio.
They still owe me an espresso machine.
No, they don't.
Actually, it's a post office.
I have so much that I could get into with the post office.
Hey, well, you know what?
That is nice to see that they are waving a flag instead of burning a car.
So, that's progress.
That is progress.
Who's an ace, Steven?
I'm saying that Democrats burn cars in police precincts.
What?
Was I not clear?
Look, here's the thing.
Everyone who's truly waving a flag out in that parking lot right now should be voting for conservative.
They're really good at making it look like they're very diverse.
No, I think they're pretty much making him look black with two white people in the middle.
That's what they're doing.
It's like they're making him look like a Malamar.
That's nice fireworks, though.
All right.
Thank you, everybody.
We appreciate you being with us.
We had so many other things that we were going to get to, but there was just so much crap tonight.
Uh-oh, he's got his mask off.
And we have the Hodge twins.
Look at that!
Put your mask on, Josh!
What changed?
What changed?
He's gonna die now!
That he pulled his mask off.
What changed that you can pull your mask off there, you felt the urge to put it on, he just took and now he's putting it back on.
What changed now?
She said, put your mask on you damn nitwit!
That lost him the election.
Why did he pull it off?
Did a six-year-old walk by?
That's not a lot of people there at all.
I'm waiting for all the memes to come out because every single one I see is like, oh you see these people going to a place and they're wearing it under their face or they got it hanging off and hey your candidate's doing it.
Yeah.
Awkward.
She's holding a rapist's hand.
There he goes, there he goes.
He took it off to yell particles.
Alright, so you heard it here.
We have the Hodge Twins, Conservative Twins.
I think they might be here for some stuff next week and certainly some content that we have going with them.
It's Conservative Twins on YouTube and Facebook is The Hodge Twins.
Always love having you here.
Half-Asian lawyer Bill Richman, Quarter Black Garrett, Audio Way, Too Cute Maddie.
Thank you so much.
The promo code is CrowderDNC.
Stream for $20 off at loudestcrowder.com and please That's the only thing that allows us to do this anyway.
We'll be doing special streams for every event.
Town hall, debates, if they ever actually happen.
And I think we learned a lot tonight, is you really do have a choice to make.
You have a choice to make between the greatest economy the United States has ever seen, no major wars, economic growth like we couldn't possibly imagine, a world that's actually fearfully respectful of us, or pure fucking chaos.
Joe Biden and Cardi B. We'll see you on Monday!
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