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April 15, 2020 - Louder with Crowder

01:16:34

The Case for REOPENING America! | SCRAPYARD | Louder with Crowder

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	You're a strange animal, that's what I know You're a strange animal, I can't get far
	I'm a strange animal That's called the... I really... I hit something here that
	stopped like a skateboard with a rock Oh, I hated that.
	That's not good.
	But you never skateboarded.
	I was a skater.
	What are you talking about?
	You know what his skateboarding was.
	The kids were skateboarding and he was like, hey guys, that looks cool.
	Can I take part?
	I'm pretty confident.
	Yeah, like Gerald went home and was like, Mom and Dad, I need one.
	And then they got him one of the scooters, which is just a skateboard body, but with a handle on it.
	And he showed up and he was like, I have one.
	Wait, why do you feel like you need to describe to us what a scooter is?
	I'm from China.
	Shut up.
	I feel like he forgets when he turns it on.
	Like, oh, it's a scooter with a handle.
	I don't know!
	You know!
	I have to remind myself I'm an American.
	I was a skater for four years, by the way.
	Four years.
	Yeah, right.
	I was!
	What?
	Okay.
	Skater.
	Name me a trick.
	Ollie.
	Kickflip.
	Okay, he just named a basic- He named the fucking spice latte!
	I did!
	Come on, okay!
	Fine!
	Of tricks.
	A big twist!
	How about that?
	No, good.
	And then when they moved to the Razor Scooter- Nothing for the big twist?
	Remember, like, that was just a less efficient scooter.
	Yes.
	It really was, yeah.
	Let's take a scooter, which, you know, has sort of, like, smaller bike wheels, and give it the wheels of a roller blade.
	Yeah.
	Just so you feel every single bump.
	Then you can do those flip things where they flip and hit you in the shin.
	Yeah, I was pretty good at it, actually.
	In Canada, let alone, they were very, very expensive.
	We could not get Razor Scooters for the first, like, year.
	That sucks.
	So I went to Plattsburgh, and that's how you know your country is a horrible place to live, when you go to Plattsburgh, New York, to buy the cool sh**.
	Wow.
	Was it the, like, tariffs?
	Was that it?
	Were we in a, like, trade war with Canada?
	No, it was just, they just didn't happen.
	Like, Nintendo 64 games?
	How much, uh, by the way, hold on a second, let me, okay, half-Asian lawyer Bill Richmond, quarter black Garrett, audio Wade, Gerald Morgan, uh, Gerald Morgan, eh, um, what were we saying?
	The tariffs?
	No, no, no.
	How much was a Nintendo 64 game in the United States?
	I believe they were, like, $35 to $40.
	Okay, they were, like, $69.
	What?
	People out there from Canada, Tell the folks below.
	Remember when Goldeneye came out, when it was new?
	I remember I got it, I think for Christmas.
	It was like, it was $69.95.
	And I remember because one year I got Glover because they had this whole ad campaign for Glover.
	It was horrible.
	I got the same thing.
	It was terrible.
	It was a video game that was just awful.
	That's a Gerald joke.
	You should be ashamed.
	You should put yourself in his corner.
	Ah, yeah, baby.
	Gerald's game is a bad one.
	OK, no, seriously, what's Glover?
	Mr. Gambino deserves better.
	It was just a video game.
	It was similar to, like, Mario 64, but you would have to collect the... It was a glove, and you would bounce a ball with the glove.
	That's so terrible.
	It was so bad.
	Like a marble or a basketball.
	But it was so expensive, and we had so little money when I was a kid that I knew, like, that's the video game I'm going to get for the year, and I want to kill myself with it.
	And we didn't have Google, so I would have to ask Jeeves how to kill myself with an N64 game, and he was no help.
	No.
	It's a five-step process.
	Who's got time for that?
	I ended up switching to web crawler.
	All right.
	By the way, it is Mug Club quarantine.
	Hashtag Mug Club quarantine is the month.
	That's why we're giving you all this content in front of the paywall for free.
	Enter the promo code quarantine.
	You get $30 off.
	That's our biggest discount since the Vox Apocalypse.
	And if you are up for renewal, please do consider renewing.
	We really do appreciate it.
	Yeah, Canadians.
	Set the Americans straight below and let them know.
	We got it better than we know, right?
	Yeah, and you know what else was crazy, too?
	We used to go to the Plattsburgh, it was called Champlain Mall, but in Plattsburgh.
	We never had samples when I grew up in Montreal.
	Really?
	So I remember I went through, the first time I ever experienced it, I go like, you want a teriyaki?
	I'm like, yeah!
	What?
	Three?
	We couldn't even return things.
	Zeller's was our Walmart.
	I got a pinball machine.
	Sorry, I just didn't mean to start this way, but I'm very upset.
	Take it away.
	Zeller's was our Walmart equivalent.
	It was called Zeller's.
	Canadians, please, sound off so you remember this.
	It had the Zeller's bear.
	And I used to have nightmares about this bear.
	It was very creepy looking.
	It was like a Teddy Ruxpin on meth.
	Oh nice, yeah.
	And they had a return policy that wasn't, there was no return policy at all.
	And so my parents got me one of those hand, like table ping pong, not ping pong, a pinball
	machine.
	And it didn't work.
	They never do.
	It didn't work at all.
	And so we returned it, my parents had the receipt, they could clearly see it was broken,
	and they charged us a 10% restocking fee.
	Right there, my parents were like, we don't want it.
	This is wrong.
	All right.
	It's Christmas.
	Our kid wants his toy.
	OK.
	They exchange it.
	My dad says, I'm going to check this right here in front of you.
	With the new one, it, too, did not work.
	20%.
	No.
	Because they charged us another restocking fee right there at Zeller's.
	And so when Walmart came in and closed them down, I thank the Lord above for the United States of America.
	Lord baby Jesus Sam Walton, thank you for your return policy.
	And for those of you who don't, who are not Mug Club members, we're going to read your chat, but this is something we do.
	There are a lot of shows that we do and a lot of jokes that don't quite make air on Thursday or what you see on YouTube, or sometimes they don't even make air behind the paywall for Mug Club at all.
	And they just find their way, and I should be clear, some of them are because they're way too offensive.
	He looked at me when he said that.
	You know why?
	Because Bill plays both sides of the fence.
	He does.
	When I said, let's do mug club quarantine, and here's the logo, but a little surgical mask?
	I never know if Bill's going to be like, hey, hold on, that could be offensive.
	I said, there's a little surgical mask and a rice paddy hat.
	And Bill, I'm waiting for him.
	He goes, you should put a zipper on that thing, make it a zipper head.
	I'm like, what?
	I cannot believe!
	You don't know where he's gonna come from.
	You don't know.
	Sometimes he's got your best interest in mind and other times not.
	Can I ask, I know you already asked people to put things down below in the comments, but can I hijack that as well?
	Sure.
	If anyone wants to help me on the legal side here, are any of these jokes ones that should not even have made it into Scrapyard?
	I need help so we can keep this stuff out and off the air.
	Let us know which of the following bits and or jokes or tidbits, anecdotes if you will, should never have seen the light of day at all.
	You can't answer all of them.
	All of the above is not an option.
	So, welcome many of you, for the first time, to Scrapyard.
	♪♪ I have actually never seen...
	Take that fade off there, Court of Blackheart.
	I have never seen...
	I put that in the intro every time.
	...that intro with the Muhammad picture in the goat.
	That's new.
	That's in there.
	He just snuck that in there.
	Just like he did with the goat.
	I think your fatwa had expired.
	He wants this shut down.
	He already has his application accepted to the Young Turks.
	He'll fit in.
	Ouch, no you won't!
	Hope you like nose jobs!
	So, keep in mind some of these obviously may not seem topical anymore because some of them are very old, but a couple of weeks ago, Madonna made a video from her bathtub telling us that we should all be a little more like the coronavirus.
	That's the thing about COVID-19, it doesn't care about how rich you are.
	Does it care about the fact that even though you're a woman, those look like man tits?
	And what's terrible about it is what's great about it.
	Astute.
	And now, very much like the coronavirus, I also want to kill me.
	That was horrible and haunting and awful.
	I am appreciative that she ditched her English accent, though.
	That's true.
	She's from Saginaw, Michigan.
	We all know that people speak like Queen Elizabeth from Saginaw, Michigan.
	I feel like there was a 50-50 shot the police would have found her dead in the tub after filming this.
	That was definitely it.
	It sounded like her final confession.
	Well, one can hope.
	By the way, I know her.
	I've spent some time with her parents.
	They run a lovely winery.
	And I believe are very ashamed of their daughter.
	As they should be.
	While his trial was going on, see originally this was written, hey, this is in the news, but it's not in the news anymore.
	While his trial was going on at some point, Harvey Weinstein, there it is, said he once read a 546 page book about Winston Churchill in one day.
	His lawyers are calling it the smart rapist defense.
	That's a good one.
	We're going to see that in the comments.
	When you have to compliment a joke, is it really good?
	Your joke's complimented a lot.
	Gerald delivers the punchline and the reaction is, that's so good for you.
	Steven, you must have written this one, didn't you?
	And now my confidence is shot.
	A man was hospitalized when a woman bit his neck after he peed on her yoga mat.
	Charges have been pressed by the man who told police that he was intoxicated and did not know what room he was in.
	I don't see what the big deal is, said Judge R. Kelly.
	It should be noted, or this was the alternative, right?
	Punchline was it should be noted that this was from the latest episode of Celebrity Judge R. Kelly.
	There you go.
	And here's the issue is because often we write three, four, five jokes, and you see the ones that make air, so that's the A material.
	And then sometimes you write many jokes and just none of them are even passable.
	None of them could even pass as passable.
	I tend to just get an email that says, we'll consider this for Scrapyard.
	It's not even automatic.
	Who gave you the email of anyone involved with production?
	You mean that's not real?
	No, you're not supposed to have that.
	It's a fake one.
	It's an auto response.
	Whenever he says, hey, I have an idea, I send him through the ladder with a credit card contact form.
	And then he tries to book me for a gig in Schenectady.
	That's really weird.
	Hey, do you think Gerald's going to find out that we've just been feeding his jokes to the Young Turks?
	That's why their shit's so terrible?
	They keep copying me.
	It's so weird.
	But they seem happy with it.
	Back when the coronavirus thing, this whole, the coronavirus, this, you know, you've heard of it.
	It was just getting big.
	Actress, I don't like this one, actress Hilary Duff criticized, quote, millennial assholes That's right.
	If they don't listen to every doctor on the planet, maybe they'll listen to Lizzie McGuire.
	Step aside, Fauci!
	I don't know if you can tell, like, I don't even believe in these.
	No.
	No, that was a good one!
	You didn't, like, sell it as your own.
	Hey, you need to make a couple of these and just do an episode for me and Gerald, because we like all these jokes.
	We do!
	We're sitting over here laughing.
	We need to do a reveal, though.
	We need to, like, rat out who wrote them.
	I think that one was Audio Wade.
	Was it Wade?
	I meant, like, in the future, not immediately on the spot.
	By the way, if you want to know, did Audio Wade contribute to that show map, nine times out of ten, it's a joke that includes the words, hot, hairy ass s***.
	Yeah.
	That's a lot.
	That's a lot.
	I asked him today.
	I'm like, your dad watches the show.
	Does he know that you write the hot, hairy asshole through line?
	And you said, no, not at all.
	Not at all.
	Now he does.
	Did you remember that one time we had the joke?
	Who was it who said this is their daughter coming out?
	Yeah, it was Elizabeth Smart, who was, I believe, kidnapped and sexually abused for several years, and it was a story about her dad coming out as gay.
	That's right, and she was talking about how difficult that was.
	So this is a true story.
	So we don't really have a live studio audience, but we have, I don't know if we can, can we even show with that camera?
	We have about eight seats there where either producers sit or sometimes family members of the crew, and so the joke there was Elizabeth Smart, I think, saying, my dad's gay?
	This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
	And we had a lesbian in the studio.
	Yeah, at the time.
	And she was roaring with laughter.
	She loved it.
	Oh my gosh, that's hilarious.
	She loved it.
	Which didn't surprise me because she's gay, it surprised me because most lesbians have no senses of humor and she was the exception to the rule.
	There you go.
	Gays are fun, lesbians usually not.
	You know what's funny is if anyone comments and they're like, I didn't think it was funny, then they're proving the rule.
	Yeah, they're proving exactly the rule because they're undoubtedly Hey Carpet Muncher, remember the gun protests in Virginia?
	Locked it out.
	Yeah, well eventually Governor Ralph Northam's assault weapons ban that he was pushing, I remember after that, failed.
	When he heard the news Governor Northam was so sad he lynched himself.
	Wow.
	Is that even possible?
	That's a net possibility.
	Because he was racist, right?
	With the black face.
	Yeah, I got that.
	He didn't know if he was... He didn't know.
	Let me try that one again.
	When he heard the news, Governor Northam was so sad, he burned a cross on his own lawn.
	I think that's the winner in the comments.
	I think that worked.
	It's not bad.
	Not at all.
	It's plausible.
	I think that's the winner in the comments.
	This is the scrapyard, people.
	The good, the bad, and the ugly.
	Here you go.
	You know what?
	It just shows you.
	You never know what's going to work because I thought Lynch... I thought that Lynch himself was funnier than Lizzie McGuire.
	I thought it was too.
	I vote for that at least.
	I vote Lizzie McGuire.
	I was about to say, who's the other Duff?
	There's the other one.
	Haley Duff.
	How sad is that that I almost mixed up the Duffs in my head?
	I have such a repertoire of the Duffs.
	I shouldn't have this information.
	Can we get rid of that for CDC statistics or something?
	Can I fit something useful?
	And I know that one of the Duffs, this is how, this is, every one of you should just kick my ass.
	This should be like an Acme cartoon where it's just a pile of dust and then it's a bloody corpse.
	I know that Haley Duff was on 7th Heaven.
	I don't know why!
	Hillary Duff's sister!
	She was the one that did the stanky leg after she was lip syncing on SNL.
	The fact that you know that is Ashley Simpson.
	No, no, that's Ashley Simpson.
	Isn't that Ashley Simpson?
	Ashley Simpson, yeah.
	I appreciate you injecting a little bit of racial diversity by saying stanky leg.
	Is this like a Teen Vogue show now?
	What the hell's going on here?
	No, it's just a bad show.
	Stinky leg dance.
	Stanky leg dance.
	That's him trying to be coy about the fact that he has all of Ashley Simpson's albums.
	But I'm still black.
	Stanky leg.
	Ashley Simpson ain't got no stanky leg.
	You got stanky leg?
	I got some chunky leg.
	I'm not accepted among any of my peers.
	Can we high five here?
	White nor black.
	Quarter Black, you have no home.
	I know.
	You do.
	That's why you need me.
	We love you.
	You need me so that I don't thrust you out into the cold world that we know!
	So this happened back in February.
	Michaela Spielberg, not Michaela Peterson, by the way.
	One of them, daughter to the most prolific director, producer of all time.
	The other one loves Ribeye.
	Loves a ribeye.
	Loves ribeye.
	Vitamin C?
	Nothing wrong with that.
	Fake news.
	So, Michaela Spielberg, daughter of... No, actually, and of course I love Jordan Peterson, and his daughter will actually probably be on the show.
	It's just the carnivore diet, you know.
	I just... It just wasn't good for my stool.
	Michaela Spielberg, daughter of Steven Spielberg.
	She announced that she is attempting to become a sex worker.
	Maybe this could have been avoided if her father spent a little more time raising his kids, a little less time executive producing cats.
	Which is not so much a joke as it is trying to highlight the monstrosity of his cats.
	This is one of those things where the joke is too on the nose, right?
	Like literally everyone regrets his time with cats.
	It's too on the whiskers?
	No.
	I want to hurt me!
	You should.
	By the way, I thought, like, if you were becoming a sex... Like, the bar's pretty low to be a sex worker.
	She's trying to become... Like, is she failing at this?
	All this paperwork... Really?
	Is there a union?
	I don't think so.
	I have no idea.
	What do you do?
	Is it $10.99, that shit?
	Yeah, yeah, you're probably a contractor.
	You choose your own hours.
	Bring your own equipment.
	Uncle Sam, he's always waiting for his cut of the pie, am I right?
	The biggest pimp of them all.
	Am I right?
	So disgusting.
	You should be able to do what you want with that, and Uncle Sam ain't got nothing to do with it.
	Wait, no.
	Uncle Sam wants you.
	Yeah, I heard that before.
	Stanky leg, right?
	That's what it should be.
	This is a terrible show.
	Louder was crowd at Mug Club Quarantine Month at the Apollo.
	That's just... According to doctors, by the way, putting potatoes up your butt won't cure hemorrhoids.
	Oh, it won't?
	Dang it.
	What am I walking around all day?
	If you needed a doctor to tell you that, then I'm afraid you need a doctor.
	Different kind, though.
	Also, stop using up all the wet wipes in the studio bathroom.
	Tim from H.R.
	Tim.
	Frickin' Tim.
	Is that why the bathroom's always filled with tater tots?
	He's like, I'll try these.
	That's also why you always hear ding when he goes in.
	This is the kind of stuff that makes Scrapyard.
	Yes, the implication was that his rectum is similar to a toaster oven.
	Don't say I didn't warn you.
	You saw the intro with the Scrapyard.
	I'm still here.
	We warned.
	That absolves me.
	No responsibility.
	Much warned.
	And a promotional tie-in with, I really hate this one.
	I do.
	This is terrible.
	You know what the worst part is about this next one?
	Is that this whole thing that is now Scrapyard, it was a 7 plus 1.
	What?
	I don't know what we were thinking.
	The one is bad enough.
	Too much of a lead-in.
	In a promotional time with Buffalo Wild Wings, rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony has changed their name to Boneless Thugs-N-Harmony.
	That's the real story.
	They've also announced their summer tour alongside Run KFC, Shake Shack Mafia, and Southwest Chicken Salads with Attitude.
	Just because I know that Wade has no idea as to what it feels like to want to swallow a knife when you have a joke that bombs Giving him air support.
	I appreciate it was awesome Wait the voicing was great on that.
	I mean the joke sucked.
	I appreciate read it well.
	Yeah You're a nice guy director Anything else you want to get out of your system here with Scrapyard before we go to any kind of live chat?
	I want to do this one.
	You want to do this one?
	Wait, hold on a second.
	Just so you know, I changed it right before air because it was offensive.
	So I'm just letting you know.
	All right.
	I just want to give you enough time so you could see it.
	Okay.
	All right.
	Half-Asian Bill.
	So Director Quentin Tarantino and his wife have welcomed their first child.
	What was that?
	He sounded like Bill Superfoot Waltz in the first UFC.
	I was gonna say, it sounded like Goofy.
	So, director Quentin Tarantino and his wife have welcomed their first child.
	That's nice.
	Yeah, from Fox News.
	Tarantino said the birth was the most beautiful experience of his life.
	However, it could have used more blood and N-words.
	Yeah, could always use more.
	It could always use more.
	All the time.
	An exploding human being, maybe.
	You've seen his movies.
	And you know what, this was...
	We're all familiar with the saddle.
	And I think the original one was like... I think this one, if I'm not mistaken, we had a really late night.
	It might have been after the stream when we were writing this.
	And I think it stemmed from me doing a mild Quentin Tarantino impression.
	And McBrodigan, for some reason, assumed that we had the budget for prosthetics to make me look like Quentin Tarantino.
	He could have used more blood in N-word.
	But it doesn't work without that face that's been twisted from decades of evil.
	This weird Sam Spade face.
	Sometimes you get the face you deserve, and then sometimes, in Quentin Tarantino's case, you get the face that nobody deserves.
	I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
	I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
	Before we go to the meat segment, AudioWay, do we have anything from live chat?
	I believe we do.
	Yeah, what do we have?
	Yeah, so MJ says, have any of you, Steven, Garrett, Bill, Wade, taken the, and Gerald, Gerald's here too, taken the political compass quiz, and would you be open to doing a segment on it like you did with the white privilege and microaggressions quizzes?
	Uh, you know, I think, didn't Ben Shapiro do that?
	I think so.
	I believe so, yeah.
	And so, I think I did it a long time ago, back when this was still on radio, so, you know, just more proof positive that he copies me.
	I guess we could revisit it if we wanted to be unoriginal times two.
	You and Ben are so similar.
	We should just make Gerald do it and the rest of us will just roast him while he's doing it.
	Yes!
	I would do that.
	That's a bad idea.
	I don't think it's a good idea.
	You know what, maybe if we see enough people in the comments section who want me to do the political compass quiz, sure.
	My guess is I'll probably be considered a basic bitch traditional conservative.
	Libertarian, I think people are often surprised, like, people are often surprised because I just say, the weed thing is what people get upset.
	Like, listen, I actually think states should be able to legalize weed, and I think it's silly that it's a Schedule 1 substance, and I think that CBD shows a lot of promise.
	I just think that people aren't responsible when they tell kids, like, it's less than a beer.
	No, no.
	Some people can have, can smoke and go crazy.
	That's true.
	It's a side effect.
	It's not common.
	I just, but I also think states should be able to legalize heroin if they want to.
	I just don't think heroin's a good idea, so people are often surprised at how libertarian I am.
	Legal disclaimer, Steven Crowder does not recommend that you engage in hard drug use.
	Of course not.
	Thank you.
	For Law & Orth Crowder, it's crack or nothing.
	Crack or die, bitches!
	Nope.
	As a matter of fact, there's a number at the bottom of the screen.
	If you order your crack now from lawandorthcrowder.com slash Mug Club, you get a free toy.
	Hint, it's just more crack.
	Promo code ROCK.
	And we do have one more chat.
	Might be cut with a little PCP because we cut costs where we can!
	Angel dust.
	He's the drug pusher!
	One more chat.
	So someone says resubscribe to Mug Club with the promo code.
	Love you guys.
	Audio wave you should release an album.
	I didn't know this said this before.
	Did you know?
	Did you have plans for an album?
	I didn't read ahead.
	No, no plans, no.
	Well, you do have the voice of an angel.
	Thank you.
	A male angel.
	Mixed with the sweetest of honeys.
	Wow.
	Why, thank you, Steven.
	That's great.
	No, he does have a very good voice, and not only that, but Wade's not arrogant about it either.
	Like, Wade is very encouraging and helping other people with that.
	I still don't like him, but... Me either.
	You know, we've talked about this doing an album because we have like 20 tracks.
	So much this year.
	We've done parodies out.
	But the thing is, it's so hard.
	Do we put it in?
	You know what?
	That's another thing.
	Let us know.
	Kind of like a chat on YouTube here.
	Should we put it on Spotify?
	I don't know the best way to do it.
	Spotify iTunes?
	I would.
	Make it exclusive for people who are Mug Club members, so that way Mug Club members don't have to pay anything, and you can just download it on the site, but I have no idea how to do this.
	Seriously, every time we end up doing parodies, I would buy a CD of our best ones.
	I would have it on, it'd be hilarious.
	You'd put it next to your Batman soundtrack, an all-for-one debut album, and nothing else on the shelf?
	Yes, but I would actually probably ask, I'd be like, hey, since I'm on the show, can I get a free copy, like a bootleg?
	That's a no.
	Maybe I wouldn't actually buy it.
	You're overpaid as it is!
	We'll just take it out of your check.
	Let us know how we should do this.
	I don't know anything about this.
	We do the podcasting that goes up on all these profiles.
	Music, you have to master it right.
	Because the iTunes thing, is it even still a thing?
	The iTunes store?
	Can you buy albums?
	What do you mean?
	Is it a thing?
	Yes, of course.
	No, I don't think it is.
	Apple Music.
	I don't know if you can buy it.
	Maybe you still can.
	I don't know.
	Thanks a lot, Taylor Swift.
	Oh, you're such a disruptor.
	Let's go!
	Let's go!
	Now that we've gotten all that out of our system, let us know if you ever want to see another scrapyard again.
	Let's go to the meat!
	See, that was a short stinger, except Bill was laughing uncontrollably.
	I was.
	I'm sorry.
	We had to redo the stinger a little bit.
	I'm just going to laugh thinking about it.
	Slightly off-color joke about Native American naming.
	That's all it took.
	Naming methods.
	I don't know if we call them methods.
	Let's be honest.
	Formulas?
	You know, take a shot of Windex, whatever comes out, call it a day.
	It's infectious humor.
	Is ayahuasca a Native American thing?
	I think it's South American.
	South American?
	Yeah, is it?
	What's the vision quest the Native Americans take?
	Vision quest?
	What did I say?
	I'm pretty sure that's like a late 80s arcade system.
	No, that was a film with Matthew Modine, but it's an actual thing they do, a vision quest.
	Yeah, I don't know about that.
	No, I do know about that.
	No, I mean, I don't know anything about it.
	Oh, yeah.
	Well, yeah, because you don't do drugs, aside from those prescribed, which cause... Peyote.
	Gross physical... Peyote!
	Peyote!
	I was looking for a lifeline because I didn't want to stop on not knowing.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Thank you!
	And he was playing it all cool, like, I don't know anything about drugs.
	Peyote?
	What are you talking about?
	PCP?
	DMT?
	Which one do you want?
	I got some right here.
	Opens the trunk to his Jeep.
	I just remember it from Young Guns.
	Don't let my lawyers see this.
	I've been in there.
	It's hilarious.
	So, we've all been in there.
	I don't know what that means.
	I think we have.
	I have no idea.
	Get a new shirt, Gerald!
	Nope, go Irish!
	What?
	Oh, I didn't even read it.
	I didn't pay that much attention.
	You assumed we all were reading it.
	You should.
	Yes.
	So, here's my question today before we move on a little bit, and I know people will be upset and it's controversial and yeah, I don't really care.
	At what point Do you think that we need to consider reopening the American economy?
	One, do you think the ill effects of staying shut down could be worse than the virus itself?
	By the way, everyone here cares about every single life lost, okay?
	None of us hate old people, none of us think the virus is... Just want to be clear about all that.
	That being said, I do think there is some bullshit afoot.
	So!
	Past week, Donald Trump has been talking about, and by the way, I'd just love if you didn't watch the presser yesterday.
	I'm thinking, let me know what you think.
	I'm thinking about just running the Donald Trump press briefings on this channel or on Crowder Bits live because CNN cut out to do the job that the media won't do.
	Did you see him present that video last night?
	He presented, he came in with a video of his timeline.
	And a lot, just to be really clear, because a lot of people saw the video.
	They didn't see the feed of him presenting the video to the room.
	Did you see that?
	Yeah, I did.
	So he's, there's a video that comes up and it shows a timeline.
	And he put, the timeline says, you know, in states, China travel ban.
	And he goes...
	At one point he's playing a montage like we'll do here that indicts the media where they're saying you should be more worried about the flu this is not a concern and Nancy Pelosi saying you know I'll come down to Chinatown and at one point there's someone from CBS who says you should worry more about the flu and he goes that's right.
	Any points?
	I love it.
	It's petty and childish and exactly what we need.
	He was defending himself.
	Come on.
	They started it.
	This world could use a little bit more petty childishness.
	Childish?
	Childish what?
	Cornish game hen?
	Why'd I stop?
	Childish!
	So he, throughout this past week, and again when you remove the Trumpisms, I think that
	we're about to see entirely reasonable.
	He's mentioned a date of May 1st, but nothing concrete.
	He has talked about entertaining the idea of reopening certain portions of the economy.
	Let's take it in context.
	Here's what he said.
	I don't know that I've had a bigger decision, but I'm going to surround myself with the
	greatest minds, not only the greatest minds, but the greatest minds in numerous different
	businesses, including the business of politics and reason.
	And we're going to make a decision and hopefully it's going to be the right decision.
	I will say this, uh, I want to get it open as soon as we can.
	Great minds from politics and reason.
	And his chief of staff is like, note to self, hire a writer from reason.
	Nick Gillespie, great sidebirds.
	I also hear Matt Kibbe has them, but I'm not familiar, but I hear they're good folks.
	What is it with libertarians and sideburns?
	I guess they're all previous rockabilly cover band enthusiasts.
	So that was what he said.
	I don't know.
	I think that was pretty reasonable when you remove the great industries like politics, philosophy, Plato.
	Plated, dinner, ready at home.
	I love that service.
	That's not even really... Excuse me.
	But the media reacted as you would expect them to react, as though that, which was a pretty, I think, measured response, saying at some point we need to balance lives and livelihoods, but the media has reacted a...go.
	I mean, there's no way we can even start to think about opening things back up unless we've got a few things in place.
	The former reality show star tells a story about American resilience.
	What he lacks in empathy for the dead, he makes up for in his insistence that the country will come back stronger than ever.
	He came back fatter than ever, right?
	Poor Balder.
	President Trump's new date for getting the country back to work is May 1st.
	I see no chance that's going to happen.
	I don't think there's any likelihood of states such as New York and California saying fine.
	We'll just send everybody back on May 1st because they're worried we would just have another outbreak again and the hospital systems would be overwhelmed all over again.
	You are correct.
	He is Benjamin.
	At the end of that segment, it was just a suit with a tie and a head.
	And a needless budget that wasn't recouped.
	That guy belongs on Good Morning Mug Club.
	He's wearing a bathrobe.
	The gap is shrinking.
	It's the race to the middle.
	So this is remarkable.
	Let's look and see if there is even a case remotely for reopening the economy, or when that case should be made, or if we can, contrary to what Rachel Maddow says, think about it.
	You can't even think yet.
	We can't even start to think?
	I think we can start.
	I think we can think.
	We can do both.
	I think, therefore, I'm not Rachel Maddow.
	So that's, there's a delineating.
	That's how it works.
	Back to, was it Plato?
	Back to philosophy, humor.
	It's a genre.
	I like how controversial it is to be thinking.
	Listen, you can't even think, people.
	I just want to let you know, just listen to me, Rachel Maddow.
	I'll tell you the answers.
	Don't think.
	Why would I respect your opinion?
	You don't even have mutton chops.
	So let's look at this.
	People just throw numbers in a vacuum.
	This is what the media has done.
	And I think context matters.
	You've heard me talk about this consistently.
	Context over content.
	When you take the numbers into context, the United States is actually doing surprisingly well.
	You can focus on raw total numbers.
	And then I think one person, when I tweeted out an article that was removed from Medium, they said, well, why are you saying the per capita numbers matter more than total?
	Because if a country has 30 million people and a country has 330 million people, the per capita numbers kind of matter.
	It does, just a little.
	I think it's more relevant.
	You let me know which metrics you think are more relevant.
	That being said, we're still doing better than Europe.
	Which part?
	All of it.
	Except for Germany, which surprises me, but I think there's a coup in the works.
	Keep your eyes on them.
	Shifty Germans every time.
	The deaths per capita, per one million, and you can go to Worldometer and hit this, use this metric to list them, I think is what's most important.
	Because testing rates aren't accurate.
	Infection rates aren't accurate.
	We don't necessarily know how accurate the antibody tests are.
	The death rate, the mortality rate, of course, is based on a percentage of how many will die versus how many people test positive.
	So what is concrete that is undeniable is how many people have died from the virus, and then specifically, to put into context, how many people per capita.
	So you don't see that number covered a whole lot from the media.
	Why?
	Well, a couple of things.
	When you do see it covered, this is important too, you see a graph like this.
	This is how it's presented.
	Let's bring this up.
	So look at that.
	That graph looks pretty bad, but keep that up there for a little bit.
	The reason that that graph looks that way is that they are tracking from when deaths registered.
	This is what is called logarithmic?
	Logarithmic?
	Logarithmic?
	Logo?
	Log?
	I've only ever read these words.
	I've never pronounced them.
	Logarithmic.
	I have very little interaction with human beings outside of the studio.
	I read words and name.
	Bring that back up.
	Notice something?
	There's the same distance between 1 and 10 as 10 to 100.
	Now, I understand why that's necessary if you have a graph where the number is so exponential that it would all of a sudden end up off the graph.
	That's not the case here.
	Let's look at the exact same numbers.
	And by the way, that presentation, of course, favors smaller countries.
	It masks sort of the contrast between the United States and smaller countries.
	Look at the exact same numbers, and our brilliant researcher, Reg, created a sort of properly spaced linear y-axis, counting, again, while we're talking about response time, which is what the media is talking about, from the day of the first death, since that's what matters as far as response time.
	Do you notice something?
	Notice that?
	The United States is lower than everyone by a significant margin with the exception of Germany.
	Does that say we're losing?
	No, it's like golf, Bill.
	You want to be lower.
	There's someone right there right now like, mm-mm, mm-mm.
	No, we're not going to be second to anyone.
	Certainly not France.
	Licking poles Those numbers up change that graph myself
	Well, and all you hear basically is that the United States has the largest number of cases in the world of the largest
	number of deaths whatever they tend to throw it I'm like guys you're
	even if that were true even if we had the Don't trust time
	Yeah, they've got four times a population but I mean I read it on Bloomberg
	Don't trust Jen.
	Oh, that's true.
	I didn't believe it at first, but now I believe it.
	Thank you, Bloomberg, for telling me what to know.
	Yeah, well, yeah, I love how we actually act as though Bloomberg was written by Bloomberg.
	Right.
	Which, by the way, would immediately discredit all, like, the reason Bloomberg is valuable is because he has nothing to do with it.
	Yes.
	So virtually all of Europe, with the exception of Germany.
	Again, not a hoax, the virus, but it certainly at no point has been as bad as the media made it out to be.
	Keep in context, 2.5 million, or if we implement social distancing measures right away, extremely, the minimum is 100 to 240,000.
	And then the number was reduced.
	That wasn't in the absence of social distancing, that was taking into account social distancing.
	Some more examples, this matters, because just like climate change, Florida's supposed to be gone, we aren't supposed to have some kind of a rainbow fish, I don't know.
	Sadly.
	Still there.
	Great Lakes, record highs.
	Florida's fine.
	Same techniques, by the way, being used as people who, if you say, I'll go back to the climate change thing.
	New York, this was a good example.
	Even where Donald Trump, I thought that he was wrong, where I was like, wow, that's petty.
	So New York, they said that they needed 40,000 ventilators.
	Trump sent 4,000.
	They didn't even use all of them.
	But he questioned their need for them.
	I remember watching the presser going, that's not a smart move.
	They say they need 40,000 ventilators.
	I don't know what to say.
	We might have to look into what they're doing with ventilators.
	And everyone goes, how dare you question their numbers?
	And I was even like, why would you question their numbers?
	That's a losing battle.
	You know why?
	Because they need less than four.
	Less than 10% of the ventilators they claim they needed, and he was saying, we should keep them here so we can send them to states who need them, not give them as a stockpile with no pre-existing terms to barbell nipple.
	Hey, I thought they were both barbells.
	Are they both barbells?
	I don't know.
	I don't know, but let's keep the rumor alive as though it's accurate.
	Absolutely.
	Well, and it's like if you question any of the information, so states can say, oh my god, there's going to be a panic, and say, I need a lot more than you actually need.
	Well, we're seeing now, like, no, he was right on all of these points.
	Well, to be clear, he didn't say it was right.
	de Blasio said, yeah, we didn't, we're good.
	No, de Blasio said that, but my point now is that when Rachel Maddow and company come out and say, well, we can't possibly reopen the economy, I mean, how could you ever possibly?
	It's like, well, guys, you haven't I haven't been right on anything yet.
	Donald Trump doesn't care about dying patients in New York because he wants some ventilators.
	He was saying, I don't think you need all of these ventilators right now.
	And guess what?
	If you do, we'll send them.
	Right.
	And right now they have a federal stockpile of over 10,000 ventilators.
	So in other words, they would have sent their entire stockpile to New York without the ability to send them to other states who might need them.
	So de Blasio said, we're good.
	Here's another thing.
	Some of these are anecdotal, but these are things that you heard in the media, and then when they turn out to not come to fruition, they just move on.
	Like Florida.
	Still there!
	Last we checked.
	Seattle was a big one.
	Remember, you saw all this publicity.
	They set up an emergency 250-bed sort of army field hospital for the surge.
	Never saw a patient packed up and left after nine days.
	Now, I want to be clear, that's not saying that no surge could happen, but it was predicted concretely that unless you get them what they need, unless 40,000 ventilators, unless we open up extra hospitals, people will die.
	Why don't you care about people dying?
	That was what was sold to us.
	And in nearly every instance, it's been...
	A fraction.
	Right.
	A fraction of what they've claimed.
	By the way, speaking of fractions, because this has nothing to do with them, hit the notification bell.
	That was a hard pivot.
	It was a bad pivot.
	I've seen better.
	It was a shit-pit.
	So, notification bell, hit all notifications, and of course, quarantine is a promo code right now.
	All of this, if you haven't been convinced, all of this is available for free this month, Mug Club Quarantine.
	Yeah.
	Well, and Benjamin Button, at the end of that last video, the guy with the bow tie and the bathrobe, said, if we open this economy back up on May 1st... Did you really feel the need to specify that?
	I did, yes.
	Which one?
	The one we all agreed was Benjamin Button?
	There was one person out there who didn't understand what I said.
	That was for you.
	So he said, basically, if we open this back up, all of the hospitals are again going to be overrun.
	And I'm like, wait a minute.
	Can you show me all of the hospitals being overrun now?
	I mean, there may be some examples of that, but very, very few.
	And this is something they don't tell you.
	Hospitals are higher, their beds, their ICU beds, are at higher fill rates than they were in the past.
	So that may mean that a hospital goes from a typical fill rate of like 57% of hospital beds are occupied, an occupied rate, to 67.
	Or it might go from 67 to 86.
	And so they're not necessarily ready to handle this load, but it doesn't mean that all of the beds are filled and they need another hospital.
	And that's what we've been sold.
	So the numbers, in context, Matter.
	Well, and just because it's happening in New York doesn't mean it's happening in Des Moines, right?
	So it's not like all hospitals are being overrun.
	There may be pockets that are.
	Don't sully Des Moines' fine reputation by throwing him into the same breath as New York City.
	Just kidding.
	Welcome to New York.
	There's no song for Des Moines.
	It ends after the half of the first verse.
	Welcome to Des Moines!
	Here's an exception, by the way, in Europe.
	Sweden.
	So Sweden is still actually doing better than many of the surrounding countries, despite not having a lockdown.
	And I know that it's tough to compare all countries, because it's tough to compare their healthcare systems, and Sweden is actually more free enterprise-based than a lot of places out there.
	A lot of people don't realize that.
	Certainly, as far as how they treat businesses, some people don't take into account South Korea.
	South Korea didn't do a full shutdown.
	Now, granted, they doxed their citizens, but They also decided to protect the most vulnerable among them, quarantine those people.
	I suggested that here with my Korean doctor.
	Everyone thought that I didn't care about old people dying.
	So joke's on you because, um, I don't know why it's on you.
	Uh, I still care about anyone dying.
	I want to be clear.
	Let me just backtrack this.
	Old people shouldn't die ever.
	If I were president, no one would ever die.
	Wow.
	Not sure you can make that claim.
	Credit 2024.
	So, we do need to balance this, the numbers that we've been presented, right?
	And you have to say, okay, in context, how much does this paint a total picture?
	What can we predict versus what we know?
	And that's what matters when you're weighing lives versus livelihoods.
	So we don't know exactly what the total death count will be.
	We don't know what the mortality rate is.
	We know that it's exceedingly low for people who don't have diabetes or pre-existing conditions,
	conditions below the age of 80 in Italy, below the age of 70 in most countries.
	Depends where you go.
	If you're under the age of 70, let's play it safe, and you don't have any pre-existing conditions, you'll likely be fine.
	Wear a mask.
	Although the CDC said don't wear masks.
	Ah!
	Go back!
	Can we rewind?
	Probably wear a mask!
	Let's compare that to what we know.
	Jobless claims.
	17 million.
	That's insane.
	Over the past weeks.
	We've hit that number, I believe, this week, finally.
	Here's a percentage that we do know.
	Small businesses, right, who say that their business will still be intact, still exist, if the crisis lasts six months, as that young man, Rachel Maddow, was suggesting.
	Other than grocers, for some reason they're excluded, 33% say they'll be in business when it comes to hotels, 27% of personal services, 22% of restaurants and bars, 15% of other, and to be clear, there is a plus or minus variance of 4% because of untoured massage parlors.
	I don't know why they were included.
	It skews the sampling data.
	Mostly Asians.
	People are still visiting the Chinese.
	It's fine.
	But the Census Bureau wanted to make that visit.
	That's by the way, people saying it will still be open.
	33% of hotels will still be open.
	Wow.
	Not they'll close.
	Yeah.
	I want to be clear that I have this right.
	Yes.
	Say their business will still exist after six months.
	Those are terrifying numbers.
	This is important.
	These aren't just hypothetical numbers.
	These have real world impact, and I don't know why we are not taking into account when every other day of the year, you can tune into Vox, you can tune into CNN where they talk about food deserts, and they talk about poverty, they talk about unemployment and how that leads to mental illness, and all of the other auxiliary effects, right?
	Severe unemployment leads to, whose phone is that?
	Whose f***ing phone is that?
	I don't know, it's probably Bill's.
	You have your phone on?
	We'll do it live!
	Yes!
	Was that Sting?
	Yes.
	I don't know what that means to play us out.
	Molly Crew.
	You've been in broadcasting for 30 years and you don't... Who's got the hook?
	So, uh, severe unemployment.
	Don't, let's not, we're not gonna edit it, this is live.
	Yeah, no, let's go, let's do it.
	Severe unemployment.
	This is one of my Seth Meyers.
	So let's be clear about this.
	It's not a racial thing when they try to say it's about oppressed classes.
	No, but severe unemployment, poverty, it leads to increased burglaries, suicides, homelessness, overall poor public health in the long run.
	Those are bad.
	People who are poor, more likely to have heart conditions, more likely to be obese, more likely to have diabetes, which means that you will have far less resistance to the actual contagion-like bug that we've been told is coming around the corner.
	Yeah, and when economies crash, Stephen, we've got this throughout world history, when economies crash, people do really stupid things, right?
	They allow people like Adolf Hitler, who years before was already put in jail because they rejected his ideas, to get out and come into power.
	They allow people like Mussolini to come in and say, we're gonna restore Italy to the prominence that it once had, and say, well, alright, things are really bad, maybe this guy can do it.
	They do really stupid things, so you don't take that for granted.
	That's true.
	Any thoughts on that, since you come from the country with all the dictators?
	Yeah, hey, I'm gonna tell you, dictatorship, it's gonna lead clearly to having lower corona deaths.
	Just look at my friends in China.
	I'm just saying, the numbers speak for themselves.
	And hey, you know we're good at math.
	Nary a wet market to be found.
	Here's something else.
	I think you'll see a different tune being sung now.
	Why?
	Because this is what's so amazing to me.
	I mean, and not ironic like the Alanis Morissette song where it's like, look, that's coincidental.
	That's not ironic.
	We get that you have a Canadian past because you're foreign, there's something exotic about you.
	It's like the whole Weird Al chic look.
	But it's not really ironic to rain on your wedding day.
	That's an unfortunate coincidence.
	This is actually It's actually ironic.
	It's actually lucky.
	Because of this pandemic right now and because of the fact that they have predicted these surges and they've tried to prepare for them, hospitals are now furloughing or laying off workers.
	So this economy is directly affecting healthcare workers because there aren't enough jobs to go around.
	And then this is another one that is to me, and I'm not taking any pleasure in this, what I'm saying is that when you just throw out hypothetical numbers and you tell everyone that they have to beat to the beat of your drum, they have to dance to the beat of March to the D, I'm very tired.
	Here's another thing.
	I read this article.
	Take no joy in anyone being unemployed.
	to the beat of your own. I was like, what am I saying? Peyote?
	Video quest? What are we talking about?
	Ayahuasca.
	Here's another thing. I read this article. Take no joy in anyone being unemployed, unless
	it's this next person. So journalism has been hit hard, and I use journalism in the loosest
	sense of the word, so hard that Democratic senators and journalists are now demanding
	There was an article at HuffPost, and you better save the local news.
	First off, why?
	Second, let's keep in mind, these people already receive the same kind of stimulus checks right now.
	Just keep in mind, they receive the individual checks and the small business loans that are available.
	In other words, that's not enough.
	And I do think that it's ironic, considering that you told everybody else who said, maybe we should look at reopening the economy, that they were effectively Hitler reincarnated.
	And now you're saying, hey, that the economy has affected you, you should be bailed out at the taxpayer expense.
	No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	We're all in this together at this point.
	Journalists included.
	At least you should be, because your job is certainly not essential.
	Schenectady Register slash Poughkeepsie Herald.
	She emerged.
	I did.
	It was a merger.
	She would come up with a new name.
	It was a necessity.
	They had to.
	Well, I thought that the Democrats were against bailing out big corporations, and now they're trying to bail out these journalistic... No, no, no.
	They're only against bailing out useful corporations.
	Oh.
	Useful to them, maybe, not to the rest of America.
	I'm against bailing out any corporations.
	How about that?
	Unless the government stepped in and said, shut down your corporation.
	Nobody Nobody pitching this corporation, well then fine.
	Yeah, no, no, this is a totally different situation.
	But they were saying the money should just go directly to the people and not through businesses that provide jobs to the people, unless it's this.
	I want to save them now.
	Not as it applies to the West Texas Times.
	I'm running out of names here.
	They need to merge with the Schenectady Register to have some power.
	The Des Moines Morning News?
	I mean, I can keep going, but they're only going to get worse.
	The Salt Lake City Gazette.
	Yes!
	I love it.
	Salt Lake City Gazette.
	It's just, like, 19 wives in a room with a typewriter.
	And one overworked husband.
	But the synergy is amazing.
	One just types it, and then the other wife goes, ding!
	And she goes, thank you.
	Ding!
	Efficient, though.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I thought there was one per key, one per letter.
	Wow.
	One handles vowels, I guess.
	It's like the New Deal.
	It's just jobs everywhere.
	This is a horrible segment.
	It's just amazing to me that they want the economy to stay closed for thee, but not for me.
	And by the way, this doesn't help healthcare workers.
	It doesn't help healthcare workers, and this is one thing too, it doesn't help healthcare workers who are honestly at the front lines trying to do a good job for some other nurse to go out there and take an Instagram picture of the bags under her eyes and say, we're all at death's door.
	When you have other healthcare workers saying, no, no, no, we don't want to waste resources.
	We don't need 40,000 ventilators, someone who's not trying to politicize it, because that actually would be more inventory than we could take care of right now.
	Unfortunately, everyone's afraid to speak out.
	Why?
	Because they'll tell you that you don't like Anyone!
	That you want old people to die.
	That's not true.
	And this is just like the climate change issue that I wanted to come back to, and then I think we have Glenn Beck coming up after this.
	You know, climate change, listen, it's not enough to say, hey, yeah, sure, the world is warming.
	It's not enough to say, you know what, I think humans might have an impact.
	It's not enough to say, hey, you know what, we might actually have a vested interest here in trying to find more renewable energy.
	But if you say, You know what?
	I just don't believe that the COYOTE Protocol, the Montreal Agreement, COYOTE Protocol slash Paris Accord, is going to fix the issue of climate change.
	And we certainly shouldn't try and deal with climate change at the expense of human life or human beings who create industries that innovate, which is ultimately what will solve our energy problem in the long run.
	All of a sudden, you're an apostate.
	You're a pariah.
	You have no business speaking even at the table.
	It's the same thing that's happening here right now.
	We're not saying that this is a hoax.
	What we are saying, and I've been saying this all along, and I see a lot of conservatives now sort of walking it back, and they're saying, this is something we need to get ahead of.
	Of course we need to be ahead of this, and I think we've done a pretty good job.
	But we've always been saying, and I maintain this, I won't be shamed into panic, we need to, and people don't like saying this because there are lives at stake.
	There are always lives at stake.
	That being said, when you make maneuvers in war, there are lives at stake.
	When you decide who goes to the lifeboats first, you still have to make a risk assessment call with lives at stake.
	And in this case, when we know the ramifications of the kind of unemployment and crippling economy that Could be seen for generations to come.
	There does need to be a balance between saving lives from a virus, none of the models have proven to be accurate, versus the livelihoods of everyone who will be alive, which is 99.999999.
	I don't even have a calculator that goes that far.
	I was too busy spelling boobs upside down.
	So fun. 99.9999. I lost my train of thought. People who will still be around after this virus,
	and what I think is most important is anyone out there and people who've been feeling this
	for a long time, I want you to speak out about this. I want you to speak out with everyone that
	you know in your personal lives. Any platform you have, just try and present it from a compassionate
	point of view and with balance, and when these people like Rachel Maddow talk about Donald
	Trump or Brian Stelter literally, say that Donald Trump has no empathy for the lives lost,
	or they say, you know what, if you believe that you don't care about the country.
	No, no, no, I'm talking about all of the people out there who are scraping for a job.
	They are clawing and biting to try and preserve their livelihood.
	Don't say that when I say we need to take their lives into account, their livelihoods, that I don't care about the country.
	They are the country, and that's the point.
	Okay, let's go to Glenn Beck after.
	My knee is like...
	I'm a little bit tired I'm a little bit tired
	I'm a little bit tired I'm a little bit tired
	Let's all try some Waffler Let's all try some Waffler
	Let's all try some Waffler Because they are bad ass
	Let's all try some Waffler Let's all try some Waffler
	Because they are bad ass Let's all try some Waffler
	Walther firearms.
	Quality firearm engineering for over a century.
	Sleek lines, butter-smooth triggers, and unparalleled reliability.
	Walther created the first semi-automatic pistol in 1908, and they've made the best ever since.
	So the next chance you have, demand loudly, and proudly, I'll try the Walther!
	Let's all try some Walther!
	Because they are bad!
	I feel like I don't really have the hips like the dance You know, sometimes people move their hips.
	You're like, oh my gosh.
	It's like a bobblehead doll, but instead of the head, it's the hips.
	But I'm pretty loose on the shoulders.
	I mean, I got pretty good shoulder work.
	Yeah, because I can dislocate them because of my connective tissue damage.
	So it's fun.
	Right.
	At least you can use it.
	At least I can use it.
	Our next guest, you know him.
	Of course, he's been on the show many times.
	And I've known him for, gosh, probably going on a, is it a decade now?
	Wow.
	I have no idea.
	I feel old.
	But he's older because he has white hair.
	Glenn Beck on the Twitter, and of course you know him, The Blaze.
	He has his shows that are there, both his radio show and his television show.
	His new book is Arguing with Socialists, which, I don't know why I don't have the book, because I didn't get the link for it until recently, so I don't have a physical copy.
	Mr. Glenn Beck, how are you, sir?
	Very good.
	I can't believe we didn't deliver a copy to you.
	Yeah, I know.
	I didn't want anyone there to be fired, but I assume you'll handle business.
	I don't know. I'm a little busy polishing my nipple rings.
	Yes, yes.
	Well, here's the thing, you were... Okay, so I have two things.
	I want to go to your tattoos, and the Cuomo nipple rings, but before that, where's the book available, just to be clear?
	Any place that is open.
	Okay, that's right.
	So if it's open, you can buy it.
	It's at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, wherever.
	Okay, good, good, good.
	Yeah, by the way, there's an Amazon Barnes & Noble Café.
	You see that recently?
	It's Barnes & Noble Café right next to a Starbucks.
	And the Barnes & Noble Café has definitively less books or magazines than café items.
	Have you seen these recently, Glenn?
	Yes, I have.
	There's one in South Lake down here, and it's like 40,000 square feet, and most of it is just for coffee now.
	Right.
	Yes, exactly.
	It's crazy.
	And it's just as we proudly carry Starbucks.
	I'm like, well, there's a Starbucks literally right next door.
	I was here for the books.
	And I thought, maybe I'll grab a coffee when I go buy a book, but there are no books!
	It's just coffee.
	And not good coffee, either.
	So, okay.
	I want to go back to your tech.
	We'll go back to the book, but before that, nipple rings.
	We were talking about this before we went on air.
	You think that, Mr. Governor Cuomo, you think it's an actual nipple ring?
	I think he might have had like a... I think it's... Yeah.
	No, I think it's two, Steven.
	I think he's got one here and one here, and they're big, they're nasty, and I don't want to think about them, honestly.
	I mean, they may have started here, but I think they're actually down here now.
	Yes, yeah.
	And that was even more disturbing.
	It's all the added weight.
	Yeah, he's a stand-in devil for National Geographic specials.
	They just put in Cuomo for us and just cast him up close and zoom out and you're like, Oh, Andrew!
	Andrew.
	I don't know.
	And here's the thing, I wouldn't have so much of a problem with it if he didn't hide it.
	Like if someone nipple rings Folsom Street Fair, let your freak flag fly, but you're trying to act like the kind of person who would be at a Barnes & Noble cafe, but you have the nipple rings.
	It's like pick a lane.
	Well, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
	I don't want to see him dressed like one of the village people.
	I don't want to see him shirtless in chaps and nipple rings doing the governor's work.
	That is a gross mischaracterization.
	He's trying to hide it.
	That is a gross mischaracterization of what happens at the Folsom Street Fair.
	It is a family friendly event.
	How dare you, sir?
	I go there, I have my kids for drag time, story time, whatever, all the time.
	Right.
	So, how are you saying he's hiding them?
	Well, because, in other words, if he just lifted it, said, hey, look at my nipple ring, big deal, and moved on, but they're in a golf shirt, I think he just made the mistake, he made the mistake of wearing the wrong fabric golf shirt.
	Like, if he'd have worn the traditional sort of Raycloth cotton, but he wore the peak cotton, so it's very sheer.
	So, I don't think he intended that, and then, you know, he didn't answer.
	He needs to answer for his nipple bar.
	If he would have answered, then it would have been fine, but it still would have been creepy and I don't want to think about his nipple rings anymore.
	Well, I'll be sure to bring it up later in the interview because it's a spite topic.
	And then the other thing is a lot of people don't know you have a lot of tattoos.
	Right, so no nipple rings, but you do have tattoos.
	No, I have one.
	What?
	Well, you have the one on your calf, right?
	Yeah, I have one.
	Okay.
	I thought there was more.
	Yeah, around my ankle.
	Okay.
	No.
	No?
	No.
	Not that you've ever seen.
	Well, I remember you showing it because we were at Fox and I was kind of like, I guess sort of subbing.
	Co-hosting, because you were answering questions with the audience, and so I was fielding questions, and one of them was about your tattoo.
	And I had never known that you had a tattoo, and you showed it.
	What is it on your calf ankle?
	I mean, it's a pretty elaborate tattoo.
	Okay, we can see it.
	There we go.
	Can you see that?
	No, you're going to have to do some yoga.
	I'm not as nimble as you are.
	No, well, I know.
	It's from an old Gaelic chalice.
	So it's quite elaborate.
	That's right.
	And then it has my children's birthdays.
	OK, that's why you were so offended when I made a joke about it.
	I remember you said something about Gaelic.
	And I said, what if it says, like, hey, this guy's Gaelic?
	And you looked at me like you were very sad.
	Like, is this something meant a lot to you?
	And I was like, no, it's just a joke.
	I don't know.
	I shouldn't be at this network hosting.
	So, yeah.
	That's about it.
	Okay, tell me about your book, Arguing with Socialists.
	I remember Arguing with Idiots because I had started my career, that was in 2009, and I really loved that book.
	I remember that book was kind of what put me on the path to learning more, and I use it as a reference in my Detroit video, or I use the references from your book.
	That one specifically addressed the idea of hybrid cars and how they were actually losing manufacturers' money
	on each one sold.
	Even the Prius, I believe, up until 2009, I don't know what it is right now.
	So it was a really, I mean, I know a lot of people know you for your style and you're more of an op-ed person,
	but there was some information there that I think really would have served people well.
	So this here, this is similar because, I mean, arguing with idiots, obviously different.
	Arguing with socialists, sounds redundant.
	Right?
	So it's really not different.
	It's really not different.
	Just updated idiots to socialists.
	Yes.
	Stephen, this is the reason why what you just said is what I've heard about that book for 10 years.
	It was really effective for people that were your age at the time, especially.
	Yeah.
	Because it has, you know, 100 page of really fine print footnotes.
	Yes.
	At the end.
	So you don't ever have to quote me.
	You know, you have all of the information there.
	Right.
	And it's also, I mean, because I'm riddled with ADD, it's also full of charts and graphs and, you know, comics and everything else.
	Right.
	And we tried to look for the best arguments against capitalism.
	And so there's no strawman in here.
	It's not the stereotypical conservative, just Throwing, you know, lame complaints about capitalism and then just rah-rah capitalism.
	If you want to live in communist China, why don't you get the hell out?
	That kind of thing.
	Exactly right.
	Yes.
	Exactly right.
	Yeah, exactly.
	So we tried to take and really look, because there's bad things about the free market.
	Sure.
	And there's bad things about socialism.
	A lot more over here.
	But, you know, let's look at what the real arguments are.
	And if you have an open mind at all, You want to serve people the best way you can, so which one works, which one doesn't?
	And I appreciate the self-awareness there that you say we don't have to quote you.
	It doesn't mean that your arguments are illegitimate at all, but I know, for example, that's always why we provide sources here that are usually the New York Times, and we get them from PubMed, because I know if someone says, well, Steven Crowder, I go, don't list me as a source, because I'm an asshole!
	And no one will listen to you, so... Not that you are, but that's why... But you know that people will see it as biased, so you list your original references, which is what really helped me with arguing with idiots.
	Yeah, I remember using them quite a bit, then going online and searching it.
	Yeah, you're a complete idiot if you quote me or you quote you, because the media has done a good job, and quite honestly, I have been very effective at smearing myself as well.
	The media has done a great job on making us losers, or people you can't trust, or just hacks that don't know what they're talking about.
	If you believe we do, well good, get the book, and we've taken all of the facts from the New York Times.
	Anytime I found something from the Heritage Foundation, I went back to the researchers and said, go find it from a source that the left appreciates.
	Something that the left will say, okay, well, all right, it's the New York Times.
	You're right.
	And they came back, they're like, not Anna Kasparian!
	Go back to the think tank!
	Bring me something useful!
	This is important, though, because we've done this, you know, when we prepare for Change My Mind, I sit down with a brilliant researcher, Reg, who's literally more than a mental level IQ and squats like 700 pounds.
	He's the scariest person on earth.
	But we always try and prepare for, because we have to, right?
	We're going to go out, and it's a free-for-all.
	It's four hours of anyone, including professors.
	And with socialism, it's very common to say, well, there are socialist elements.
	And so we've always focused not so much on totalitarian Marxism, but really sort of the Norwegian socialist model.
	I think you refer to it in your book as the Swedish-style socialism, because that's what's often It's the socialism du jour, right?
	They used to point to Canada, when I lived in Canada, and they said, well, that doesn't work.
	They used to point to France, or maybe Belgium, and they'd go, well, that doesn't work.
	So now they point to Sweden.
	Can you tell me how you define that, or why it's something that you address in the book?
	Yeah, so Sweden is, A, it's not a socialist country.
	It is more free on its industry than we are.
	It has fewer regulations.
	Out of the Norwegian countries, I think Three of them have lower taxes than we do.
	It is not a socialist system.
	It used to be, and then it failed around the time Abba started to fail.
	Right.
	And they got away from Abba, and they got away from socialism.
	And then they brought back Pierce Brosnan covering Abba, and they were like, shut up!
	Why do you keep furring at the interfaces?
	So they got rid of that because they couldn't afford it anymore.
	It wasn't working.
	The taxes were getting way too high and it was, everything was collapsing.
	So they knew they had to get out of the socialist game and they become very, very free market.
	Right.
	I mean, a socialist country doesn't come up with Ikea where you can buy furniture you have to put together and have Swedish meatballs.
	Right.
	And no return policy whatsoever.
	It's like, well, I brought it home and it was broken.
	You broke it.
	You brought it.
	I didn't break it.
	It arrived broken.
	They have no return policy at all.
	If you have something shipped from Ikea, you are on your own.
	And something else, too.
	Yeah, go ahead.
	No, I was just going to say mostly, I mean, I think they break because it's It's just glued sawdust, isn't it?
	Yeah, yeah.
	They just take sawdust, put glue, and just hold it together?
	Right, yeah, it really is pretty bad.
	But I outfitted my entire house with IKEA when we first got married, and then I sat... That's every wedding, too.
	People joked we broke the bed, my wife and I, and they were like, oh, yeah, nearly wedged.
	I'm like, no, no, we just literally laid down, and it snapped right down the middle.
	I'm like, I wish there was some story.
	It's just bad Swedish design, OK?
	There's nothing sultry.
	Yeah, it's true.
	True story.
	People can use the time machine and go back on my Twitter.
	So let me ask you this, too.
	Another term we were just talking about in the morning show this week, the eco-socialism, is something that's also kind of a new buzz phrase.
	They just want to rebrand.
	So you have democratic socialism, Swedish-style socialism.
	Eco-socialism is another point that I think, if I'm not mistaken, you address in your book.
	And we hear that from AOC a lot.
	Yeah.
	In the first chapter, I define the words.
	And I think the most important thing is that Socialism cannot escape its history.
	And people say, oh no, well those are communist countries.
	Actually, communism has never been done before.
	Communism is not a step that anyone has completed.
	In fact, Soviet Union was the, what, united or union of socialist Soviet states.
	Right.
	And so it's a Soviet Cuba is a socialist, not communist.
	Communism is once there is no gun behind it.
	Once everybody's in that utopia where we all just put our money down and we're all working together and everybody owns everything.
	It's never gotten there.
	It never gets past the socialist part.
	So the important thing to remember is that socialism is the part with the guns.
	If it's not, if you're looking at someplace like Sweden, they would have had to go to guns if they weren't Swedish.
	They would have had to go to guns.
	Instead, they just Well, I think it's also important to bring up, like you said, the USSR.
	I mean, a big part of that was Sandals Resorts didn't want to share their profits.
	Nobody will ever admit that, but that's the important thing.
	Well, I think it's also important to bring up, like you said, the USSR.
	I mean, a big part of that was Sandals Resorts didn't want to share their profits.
	We have Bernie coming in here on a honeymoon and listen, we eat what we kill.
	It happened the same thing in Canada, to a lesser extent, where I lived there under a universal healthcare system, a socialized healthcare system in Quebec.
	And apparently Quebec is, when I did the video back in 2009, Canadian healthcare, people said, oh, you're biased.
	You just picked the worst hospitals in Canada.
	I said, the Charlemagne Hospital, that's where I went.
	That's literally down the block from where I was.
	I went to all the hospitals.
	That I went to in my municipality, there was no privatized health care at all.
	It was illegal until there was a Supreme Court case in 2005, Chauvi v. Quebec, and I've talked about this quite a bit, where they said it's a violation of human rights to force people into these waiting lines, and if they want to pay for care, and they are at death's door, they have the right to.
	That didn't exist when I was there, so my mother was looking at like, Eleven or fourteen months for an MRI.
	To see a dermatologist was nine months for me.
	I mean, it was incredibly long.
	And I lived under that.
	And I think a lot of times people take the most severe example, if it's Maoist China, and I go, hold on a second, you don't have to.
	I think to Americans, understanding the reality of socialism lite would be scary enough.
	I think what you don't hear is, for instance, right now under COVID, You don't hear the private sector begging the British government to please let us make masks.
	Let us help you with the vaccine.
	Please let us do this.
	Under the NIH in Great Britain, they can't without a government exception.
	And the government doesn't want to make an exception.
	That's insanity.
	love the socialist system, watch where the vaccine, watch where the medicines
	come from, because they're not going to be coming from Venezuela, they're not
	going to be coming most likely from Canada, they're going to be coming from a
	free market. Yeah. And we are, we are not even the most free.
	Sweden, when it comes to business, Sweden is more free than we are.
	Yeah, I think a lot of people don't know that.
	Again, from being a Canadian, I remember when Barack Obama was president, Canada, for the first time ever, was higher on the Economic Freedom Index than the United States.
	And they avoided the housing bubble because their Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, just said, wait, give loans to people who can't pay it back because racism or something?
	We're not going to do that.
	It's only 25% down.
	That's a bad idea.
	Yeah, and they avoided it.
	This is the one thing, too.
	Usually when socialist countries avoid catastrophes that we face here, it's because they're more conservative on that specific issue.
	And speaking of that, I want to go to sort of the COVID topic.
	Obviously, if people look at the death rates per capita, you have to remove like Luxembourg or I don't know, a couple of small islands, but large sized countries, the top four, France, Italy, Spain, Belgium.
	Again, three years ago, these were the countries that were being praised for their socialized healthcare system.
	We would have to multiply our death rate per capita by four times to be close to what they have.
	Why aren't people talking about this?
	To me, this is a great opportunity to look at the perils of socialized healthcare versus a free enterprise system.
	I have to tell you, Steven, now is the best time to talk about not only socialized medicine, but also the free market.
	Deutsche Bank just came out over the weekend and said there is no such thing as the free market anymore.
	Wait, how did you pronounce that?
	How did you pronounce that?
	Deutsche?
	Deutsche Bank.
	You do it all properly.
	That's what I do with my wife when we watch The New Pope.
	I go, I cannot believe.
	Viola!
	She goes, who is?
	Oh, don't talk about Viola.
	He's my guy, that Viola.
	So Deutsche Bank.
	Got it.
	Now I feel like an ass.
	Well, how do you say Deutsche Bank?
	How do you say it?
	I say Dutch.
	Yeah.
	And I know it's wrong, and I'm okay with it.
	So anyway, the German bank just came out this weekend and said that there is no such thing as a free market because of what the Fed has done.
	What the Fed has done is they're now the largest landowner in the world.
	They own all of our debt.
	They're the biggest treasury financiers now.
	They own more of our treasury bonds than anybody else.
	They are going to end up owning everything in the end.
	The market is not free anymore because there is no bottom.
	There's no real pricing on anything except for the average person.
	What they've done is they are using modern monetary theory, which is a socialist dream.
	Chapter 6 is a chapter that we almost didn't put in because I thought, You know, this is kind of far out there because it would really take a real disruption to get there.
	But I tied it into technology and I said, if you get a jobless problem and technology, along with modern monetary theory, you are a 1984-style state, a George Orwell state.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that sounds brilliant.
	are talking about. Modern monetary theory is this new idea that you don't have to
	have the money or even taxes to pay for anything, just print the money.
	Yeah. Oh that sounds brilliant. Along with the technology that will get in bed
	with the government to monitor people, which we are doing now, along with
	joblessness, you have a takeover of the capitalist free system. We've just
	We're experiencing it right now.
	They're not even asking for votes on things in Congress anymore.
	They're going to an empty room.
	Those opposed?
	The ayes have it.
	Nobody's in Congress.
	How are they voting on these bills?
	It is a scary thought.
	I don't usually reference Orwell much.
	You know why?
	Because the more I read about him, I was like, I don't like him.
	He was a socialist who then kind of turned, and then he was like, oh, the Catalina.
	I'm like, what about Catalina?
	Are you talking about the place that was like a socialist anarcho-socialist syndicism for like three years, and then they immediately were wiped out?
	Don't like it.
	Think you're full of it.
	Not you, Orwell.
	But let me ask you this.
	You know a lot about the Fed, and you know a lot more about, like, you focused on this quite a bit.
	Would it be justifiable at this point to say, okay, China, we're not paying you back until you sort this out?
	Is that even feasible?
	Or we're going to pay you less.
	Yeah, but you know what?
	They're little.
	In physical stature, not in population.
	Oh, they don't have to build bombs.
	They could drop Chinese people from the sky and win.
	Right, that's true.
	And the fact is, when you look at how much the government cares about their citizens, they would be the ones doing that.
	That's the unfortunate thing.
	I want to be really clear.
	They absolutely would.
	I'm pro-Chinese people having rights, so I'm anti-Chinese government.
	No, but go ahead.
	Exactly right.
	Exactly right.
	And I will tell you, the strategy that China had to beat Russia in a war was take a million troops, march them across the border, and surrender.
	Next day, a million troops, surrender.
	Next day, a million troops.
	By day three, They've been overwhelmed just by people.
	And then they pull out the shivs that they've been hiding in their lower intestines.
	Surprise!
	I'll be a brilliant Trojan horse.
	I think that they are... I think this has been...
	As close to an active war that anyone else has ever perpetrated on other countries in the world.
	I mean, they have killed more people than we lost in World War I, lost more people than the Vietnam War.
	I don't know.
	I think it sounds like an act of war.
	You've destroyed our economy.
	Yeah.
	Well, we've destroyed our economy with their help, to be fair.
	But I think it would be different if they said, like, our bad, no more wet markets.
	But instead, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	And they blame it on us.
	If they took some responsibility, nothing is unforgivable.
	But these practices, when we talk about the wet markets have been reopened.
	Sorry, go ahead.
	Stephen, they're also, they're also wildly irresponsible, not just with the wet market, but what they're, all of the things that they denied, all of the information they withheld, and now they're going to countries like France, and France send them a bunch of PPEs and masks and everything else.
	Now France needs some.
	China is not only not returning those masks, they are selling them the masks and saying you can only buy them if you take our 5G.
	That's insane.
	That's a hostile actor.
	It's like the IKEA return policy of global trade.
	It is all assholery that is unacceptable, and I have a broken bed frame to prove it.
	I don't know how the Swedes tie into all of this, but sooner or later, I want some Swede to answer for IKEA.
	Let me ask you this.
	Because I know a lot of people may not like, obviously, you were not a big Trump guy in the primaries.
	Neither was I. But at this point, when we're looking at Biden and you're looking at Donald Trump,
	how would you rate how the president has handled this and what you think his chances are going into
	2020 compared to Biden? Biden is, I can't believe that Biden is actually going to be the guy.
	There's no way he's actually the guy.
	I think it's Governor Nipple Ring.
	There's no way that... Biden doesn't know where he is.
	He can't be president.
	I think it's one of those things when he actually gets to the convention, everybody will be like, OK, come on, guys.
	I mean, he was a placeholder, right?
	There's somebody else.
	So I don't think he'll be the guy.
	If he is, he loses.
	Donald Trump, I think, I wasn't a fan of his, but I've grown to be a fan of his.
	And then on top of it, the media has made me even more of a fan of his.
	Right.
	Because they've been so grossly unfair and just really sick what they're doing now.
	I think he's done a really good job.
	I like the fact that he has pushed all of the power back to the states, that he hasn't taken any of the opportunity to nationalize anything.
	I don't like the spending, but I also don't like shutting down the economy.
	constitutional to give money back to people you've taken it from?
	As people who are both against the bailouts and the big stimulus bill,
	when we talk about, you know, 2009, where we started to know each other,
	that is very different from the government stepping in and saying,
	shut down your business. Hey, everybody else, do not go to that business or a church,
	or we will fine you. You prohibit people from making a living. Restitution there
	is not the same as simply paying out businesses that were going to go bankrupt anyway.
	Exactly right.
	And I think you need to understand that's never been incongruent with a conservative worldview
	at all. No, the government is the government is the responsible player
	on the failure of all of these businesses that will fail.
	All of the unemployment that we had, over three and a half percent, is because of the federal government and their action.
	Right.
	And when they take away your right to be, you know, even in some cases, stupid.
	You know, I want to be in New York City and I'm going to have my hot dog stand right there in front of the hospital.
	If they take away your right to do it, then they owe you the money that you could have earned.
	Absolutely.
	It would be like if Bernanke took a steaming dump at Cracker Barrel.
	That is constitutional.
	If Bernanke took a steaming dump right in the middle of a Cracker Barrel table, right in the middle of the general store, and then walked away laughing.
	Like, no, no, no, Bernanke, you gotta pay for this.
	You're the one who took the giant steaming crap right here.
	This wasn't us.
	No one's coming here because of your...
	No, my knick-knacks are dirty.
	Where do I put the biscuits?
	I don't know if that's an analogy that drives it home, but I tried.
	I think that, I think that, I don't think you can say anything else.
	I tell you what, I can say this because we're already 25 minutes in.
	The book is Arguing with Socialists.
	It's available wherever books are sold.
	Of course, Amazon.
	If you have a Barnes & Noble cafe that happens to be open, go there, wear a mask, show... Ikea?
	Oh, God.
	Who knows?
	Oh, God.
	No, no, no.
	Did you translate this to Swedish?
	You have to put it together yourself.
	No, no.
	Yes, exactly.
	Just kidding.
	It just comes with a pen and cliff notes.
	It's like, see if you can reconstitute this.
	All right.
	Well, listen, Glenn, I know you're busy.
	We are busy.
	I appreciate it.
	And I am going to, once you send this book, I am going to read it.
	I'm looking forward to it.
	I will send it to you.
	Absolutely.
	Thank you, Glenn.
	All right.
	We have to go, everybody.
	We will see you tomorrow morning.
	Good morning, Mug Club.

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