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March 4, 2019 - Louder with Crowder
28:58
Chip vs Opie (With Anthony Cumia, Zac Aimco, Mark Normand)
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Time Text
Dave, you're not afraid to rock?
Born to rock.
Alright, chill, I like the attitude.
Fuckin' Pearl Jam, I shouldn't even have had a ass!
Fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah!
Spinnin' rock records, that's what my hero did!
Alright, come on!
Fucking taught me everything I know.
Turn it up!
Turn it up and get out!
Yo, let's go to McDonald's.
At least Rana won't be playing with his Pekka.
What do you got?
I already said mine.
We'll go to the phones.
What?
No phones.
Go to the fucking phones.
Thanks.
I was like, what's up Kev?
I heard your fucking car is so old it's only got an AM radio.
And an 8-track.
Goddammit, he's got a good sense of humor.
It's not like he needs serious XM.
Fuck yeah!
Yeah, without Ope, I mean, uh, what?
Hold on, cut that out.
I don't need him mad at me.
It's one of his comedy heroes.
Oh yeah.
Fuck yeah!
Santa fucking chef shirts!
Hell yeah!
What are you doing?
You got a short-order cook podcast you're doing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm contractually obligated to do the Jim Norton and Sam Ryan.
Yeah, hell yeah!
Santa clockwork orange shirt!
Right.
That one's a stretch.
What's going on though?
You know, I'm figuring things out.
Right.
Right.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
Just figuring stuff out, dude.
Right.
Fuck yeah.
Right here, brother man.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Take your time.
I'm excited about his wrestling show.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, I have a wrestling pike.
Strike when the iron is ice cold.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, because I'm a wrestler, so I can relate.
Yeah.
Nothing better than signing with a bankrupt company.
Okay.
You're not talking about my wrestling podcast anymore, are you?
No!
Cumulus is interested.
That's good.
Okay.
So listen.
This show's gonna be over morse code.
It's a new technology.
Listen to my show at dot dash dash dot dot dash.
So talk.
Go on now!
Stop enjoying!
Babe, I'd do anything to get back in your good graces.
I'd put my hand in a meat grinder or eat a pile of shit.
I'd even go as far as to listen to ten minutes of Opie's podcast.
Oh my god!
There is a stunned silence followed by a weeping and a sound of self-inflicted gunshot.
Finally, the star of the podcast brings spirits up again.
The Destroyer has the best damn podcast out there!
It's funny and it's free!
Why just last week they sat in the back of a Fuddruckers and talked about jalapeno poppers and craft beers for six and a half hours!
The gang nods in agreement, and all eat a bunch of boogers to pay their respects.
Rob's sashay's over for a tickle.
He said the journalist died, he had a fight.
They can bomb Sirius Radio gone from it.
Oh my god!
Don't say that!
Why would they?
Let that part out.
The guy responsible for most of the bombs got fired a year ago.
Hurt when I say it?
Cousin Bruce Eats Wix.
I didn't think I'd come back to do the show because I didn't know if Chip was still a thing.
Yeah!
I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Oh!
Oh!
Fuck that!
I ain't fucking with him!
He's doing it too long!
Oh, oh, oh!
Fuck that!
You don't wanna match wits?
Fuck no, that guy's hilarious!
Chip!
You see what he's doing?
Chip, you find him hilarious!
Fuck yeah!
Is that like the only person you're afraid of comedically?
Fuck yeah!
He's my favorite!
But you run circles around so many of the comics!
Oh, fuck that!
Fuck yeah!
Yeah?
Bravo!
Bravo!
Haven't you had, like, you've had, like, Colin Quinn on here and gone back and forth with him?
Yeah, these guys are, like, a titan.
Fuck yeah, Colin's alright, but Colin's pretty easy to best.
Oh wow, I see.
Fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah, Colin ain't been doing it since he's 18!
I guess not.
I guess there's some people that just, you know, your comedy is probably so similar that it's hard to match wits with.
Yeah, fuck yeah, that's the master!
What are you doing?
You're running around the whole thing, showing off your little body.
The master of shock comedy is talking!
Hurt when I say it?
I heard you say it!
Chip, if I don't see some of that chemistry, I'm not... that's where I came from.
Fuck yeah, some of that chemistry, right brother?
There it is.
There's that chemistry.
Fuck yeah, we got it!
Some more she's gonna see?
This is definitely compatible on my planet!
I did it!
You want another news story?
No, I'm not done!
Oh, okay.
I'll be up there like, damn, this highway has a lot of space!
Don't want.
It's all we got, that chemistry.
I hear the Mexicans are sending one up so they could steal the hubcaps.
Nah, they wouldn't need to.
They'd steal the hubcaps for them.
A little more got on the rocket ship.
All right, makes sense.
95 degrees!
Yeah.
Get that energy out of your ass.
95 degrees.
That's a hype man.
No, A. It's made by Anne.
I'm from Brooklyn, Anne.
I got it, I got it.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Read that again.
Alright, Dave Landauer, what's up?
That's cool, that noise won't be distracting at all.
Shaka, shaka, shaka.
She gotta be quiet in here, I've been doing this since I'm 18!
It's been a long time.
I know how to do radio!
It's familiar, but I can't quite place it.
Is my hat hanging in front of my face, Zach?
Don't bullsugar me.
Yeah.
It's cool?
Yeah.
What are you, got a sweatband on and a hat?
Yeah, I'm chill, just to keep my hair out of my eyes.
And Anthony's co-host, Dave Landau, welcome aboard.
Good to be here.
I didn't think you were gonna come.
How come you got a different water than everybody else?
I brought my own.
That's chill.
Yeah.
Save us a few dollars.
That's good.
That's good.
I thought you'd appreciate it.
I really do.
So what are the odds about me and you maybe going out for supper?
What, Ira?
Come on, Ira, Ira!
What's got you laughing today?
Look at me!
I'm the Destroyer!
So in a sense, I'm 18!
I'm funny!
And if you don't believe me, I'll go on Twitter and tell you!
That's how you prove you're funny!
Just announce it on Twitter!
Despite public opinion, I'm funny!
Despite those blank stares, despite the Boo Radley stares of everybody I tell a joke to, I'm funny!
Fuck yeah!
Proof's in the pudding!
Yeah, he just heard Ira!
Fuck yeah!
What?
From now on, don't call me Chip!
No, no, no, no, no.
What is it, Lyle now?
Lyle!
Lyle talks to friends and has some laughs.
Why the official change?
I just think it sounds smarter to use your given name.
Are we doing another reboot?
Yeah, we are.
Oh.
RightCast is not good.
They didn't hire Lyle.
Doesn't matter if they hired Lyle.
We'll call it the Chip Chipperson Podcast.
But then I'll just write, Lyle does this.
Lyle speaks.
To Angie and Sean and Sam and Christina.
We could keep Chip and then put a big X through it and write Lyle.
I like that.
Yeah, you don't have to open my window.
Your improv skills are crazy.
Yeah, no.
Fuck yeah.
Lyle sits down and has a serious chat.
And I went outside.
What's got you laughing today?
Lyle sits down and talks to a friend.
About a month.
What's it called?
Dinner with Danny.
Excuse me, that's pretty sharp.
Burping to the mic, it's shocking!
Fuck yeah!
He's got all the features.
Damn Skippy, I do.
So Ira, what's got you laughing today?
What segment did you like?
Well, I like this segment right now!
Yeah, I'm sweating up here.
Well... Oh, look at...
Take a towel and wipe your face!
It's like snap syncing.
So instead of what...
Oh, he's faking. He's faking now.
It's like snap syncing.
Yeah.
I don't know.
You don't like it?
It's a little distracting.
I despise that snapping.
I have shell shock from PTSD from that snapping, believe me.
PTSD.
Yeah.
Fuckin'.
Oh, here it is.
A putty-titted stupid dope!
Hahaha!
Hahaha!
Oh...
It's appropriate.
Hahaha!
If the acronym fits, you're an idiot.
Snap away.
No, we gotta get Poe in here because we had Slash on the old radio show.
Slash!
And Poe felt a bit dis- Take your time, Poe.
Poe.
You know, it might be different in the martial arts world, but on the radio you gotta get right in and right to it.
Look at the hardware on this mouse, on the neck, that's great.
It's like a little snap.
Oh yeah, I heard you.
No, god no, I didn't mean that snap.
This is cool, I like this.
Thank you.
What do you got?
You know, I think he was talking about Jay Thomas.
That's what I figured too.
Yeah, he was.
Who did pass away.
Lyle has four friends on and Lyle talks to Kreskin.
That's a description.
Proper names only.
Rebranding.
Gonna reinvent myself.
That's how you get big.
You stay big.
Ask for that later.
Yeah, reinvent yourself.
It's a new era.
That's right.
You need a makeover.
Yeah, always wait till you're at a more advanced age.
That's a tough shot.
Bam, Thelma!
Give you your Scooby Snacks.
Oh, shit.
Uh-oh.
What?
What?
I think he sees Scooby's, uh... Oh, I get it, okay.
Scooby Snack Day, go!
What?
Fucking fit right in!
Welcome to fucking Loonyville!
And fucking, the captain is here!
Gotta have someone steer the ship, that's what I do!
Yeah, you do.
Fuck yeah!
Bunch of humor going around!
Professional comedians!
You guys don't know what to do!
Allow me to step in!
You've got such great energy today, Chip.
You're fired up today!
Oh, fuck yeah!
Chip's killin' for us!
Fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah!
Killin' for us today!
Maybe you can come back tomorrow through Sunday!
Works today, it'll work tomorrow.
Two Jews walking to a bar.
I'll say it tomorrow.
Two Jews walking to a bar.
How come it didn't work as well?
I don't know, because they heard that yesterday, Chip.
Ira, talk at me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like honesty.
That's okay.
Yeah, whatever is the truth, whatever it is, it is.
I'm the destroyer.
There you go, babe.
That's right.
What's your favorite bit?
What'd you listen to on the way in?
I was on a panel recently.
Panel on podcast.
Fuck yeah, they invited me.
They wanted to know what I thought.
Yeah.
That's for me to know and you to find out.
Sure, he flies off the handle once in a while.
Yells at me when I come out my little microphone.
God, we're good friends, ain't we, Mo?
You straightening out my idiot?
He was bombing jokes two at a time.
Players couldn't get a laugh at the table.
I'm sure they'll laugh at the table.
What do you like to eat?
Hamburgers!
Cool.
I'll take you out.
I know you'll put out at least.
Fucking Ira throws that booty in the air immediately.
Hamburgers and pizza.
Oh, that's cool.
Going to a 12 year old's birthday party.
It's good for your heart.
I mean, how fair!
Oh, that's chill.
I used to carry my lunch in an onion bag!
I never wanted the brown bag!
especially with the bag.
I never wanted the brown bag.
I never wanted the little brown bag.
I wanted a lunchbox.
And every year, dammit, I got a lunchbox.
I had my Lost in Space lunchbox.
You know, one of my brothers should call up with the thermos, but I remember... Because you're hitting a real soft spot in my family.
You should just hear what Opie had to go to school with for his lunch.
The bags.
We were so poor.
Yeah, you're poor, baby.
You were so poor.
I'll tell you the story.
Yeah, like Anthony said, everyone has... You think how embarrassing this is?
It's the Big King calling back!
I'll tell the story, you ass!
It's the Big King calling back!
If my brother calls, he'll... That's great.
How embarrassing.
He would be suicidal to tell the story on the air, but basically, like Anne said, you know, all your friends had the cool lunchboxes, maybe like, uh, I don't know, the Brady Bunch, you know, lunchbox, or the Scooby-Doo lunchbox.
Yeah!
Open it up, you got your little thermos in there for your little fruit cup or something.
Right.
And your drink and your sandwich all nice and wrapped.
Sure.
And then if you didn't have the lunch box or you didn't want one, you could go to the store and buy the little lunch bag.
No, no, I'll explain.
The lunch box were, you know, were given to the kids whose moms really cared.
Right.
Then you had the kids that came in, like you said, with the small brown lunch bag.
You could go to the store and buy a big stack of those.
Right.
Oh no, it cost too much money to get the small brown paper bags for my lunch.
See, we were so poor, like Rick, Rick guessed about two minutes ago, my god damn lunch, a lousy peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a bruised apple were, that's it, it was just like two little things, were in a huge, HUGE, wall bounce paper bag.
The one they pack the groceries in.
And then what was your carrying style?
Would you carry the whole thing or roll it so it's just like the big bottom of the bag and it's huge rolled up?
It gets worse.
It gets worse.
We brought the bags home.
Home after lunch.
You had to fold them up, right?
And bring them home.
Oh, that's pretty bad, man.
So we could put the book covers on our textbooks.
You made them out of the paper bags?
Yeah, so like my science textbook had a big, huge wall bounce on the front, while my friends had the cool Star Trek book covers.
So they were dual purpose, Anthony.
They were used to carry my lousy sandwich and bruised apple to school, and then we had to bring them home so we could make book covers.
Do they have your name written on it too?
I'll pay.
Because then when you leave that with your coat, you know, you have your whole thing set up.
Everybody knows it's your bag if your name's on it.
Oh, the big shopping bag.
I knew my brother would call.
He's a bitter man.
Elmo!
Hey.
What's up, man?
Is this a nightmare or what?
Why are you bringing this up?
You know, it gets dark at four o'clock.
I'm already suicidal and you have to bring that up.
I mean, we would take these huge, like, King Colin bags and roll the top down and close them and do whatever we could to try to mimic those small little bags so we looked normal.
But once I also got a cement bag for Dad.
Oh, wait a minute!
One of those huge cement bags.
You know, we were done doing the sidewalks around the house.
Like a Sackcrete bag or something?
Yeah, one of those huge bags.
You know, because my dad won't make use of anything.
Still had powder in it?
So we put the food in that and rolled it up.
I'm like, you gotta be kidding me.
A cement bag!
It was unbelievable.
Trust me, if my brother says it, it happens.
It happens.
I'm dying for you.
A cement bag.
This is like the shame of our family.
I still can't go shopping and get paper.
I always have to go plastic just to erase the memory.
Elmo, you notice how, like, Ed's telling all his horror stories from growing up and I'm keeping my mouth shut?
I know, I'm like, oh my god, that's like going to a spa.
You know what my grandmother used to say when I was picking my nose when you get to the bridge wave?
She was such a pip.
That is a good one.
I got to learn that from one of your heroes too.
What's that?
Picking your nose.
Always an opportunity for a dig.
That was a double one.
Get a snack for later.
Let me see your hand for a second.
Wait a minute.
What's the matter?
Wait a minute.
I do. Watching the Golden Girls.
At family events.
Can you put a weight on the end of it and kind of just let it pull?
Wait, do you mean a weight? Hold on.
It's kind of a two metal balls with a kind of a...
Let me see your hand for a second. Wait a minute.
What's the matter?
Wait a minute. Do you have an announcement?
I got engaged.
Hold on, we got to start this show first.
Oh, shit.
Hold on, we'll do the engagement thing.
Alright, let's start the show.
Henry Fonda, old cooters if he's hanging out with her.
Go pick some blueberries, you old bag.
How funny would that have been if he had a fucking... Man, what do you want, burn the house down?
Hey, Billy!
That kid had a really great acting career.
How do you fucking- How do you win a triple Oscar winner and you do nothing afterwards?
Nothing afterwards!
Jesus Christ, he's like me after the Opie and Anthony show.
Or I should say Jim Norton.
Jim Norton!
Yeah, because I'm actually doing better than he is.
I'm getting confused.
I don't know, I've watched some shows that, right out there on the gritty, raw streets of New York City, I've seen some shows from, you know, other people from the ONA show.
Oh yeah, those are good.
Yeah, you like those?
Hell yeah.
We're here at Chevy's.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, Bobo, what's going on?
I'm doing good, Chip.
Even Chip don't like them.
No, even Chip has some issues with self-hatred.
Bobo?
Yeah, right?
You get a free meal and your socks and underwears are all washed.
She gets literally half the sentence of the story out.
He runs through a repertoire of jokes.
I don't even know what the fuck to be starting with.
Oh, probably the cat's a lawyer and shit.
What's this, to kill a mocking cat?
Fucking...
Meow Radley.
You should call him Grumpy the Cat.
That's his name.
It's Grumpy Cat.
I wonder if the contract has a clause in it.
Oh, look out, down that road!
That was really good.
What do you got?
He's ready!
Hold on a second.
Come on, Jim.
Wait, wait.
Oh, fucking, I've got a clause.
Yo, it's gonna be like the tale of two lawyers.
So talk at me.
Anthony Cumia, CM.
I don't want to speculate as to what that stands for.
Compound Media.
Oh, whew, I was off.
Well yeah, I thought it was fucking Cummy Muncher.
Oh wow.
Geez, Chippa.
Your new Twitter handle.
Yeah, my new Twitter, because I was kicked off Twitter again, is now AnthonyCumiaCM.
It's a fun bit.
It's Anthony's Twitter account of the week.
It sure is.
Boy, they really are fucking whack-a-mole on your Twitter, aren't they?
You can just watch my followers go down and down.
Hell yeah.
I can't understand it.
I had 300,000.
I went to 40,000 with the new one.
Now I'm at about 9,000 now.
Cleaning out the riffraff.
It really is.
Because I know some other guy.
He's got over 300,000 followers.
He tweets three favorites.
That's not bad.
That's not bad.
You think that's good, Jeff?
Fuck yeah.
Three people like it?
That's not bad.
It's three people more that liked it than none.
Fuck yeah.
That's not bad.
Yeah.
You're sort of a glass one one billionth full kind of a guy.
Yep.
I mean, billions and billions of stars in the universe.
What does that have to do with anything?
And none in this room?
Come on, Chip.
I don't know, guys.
Just a couple more years.
I don't know, guys.
This is the best thing on the air, you guys.
It's the best show on Riotcast.
If you leave... It's the best show on YouTube.
If you leave, it's all worth it.
Bobo, show us how you lick a cooter.
That's good.
You keep your tongue in your mouth.
Make the pussy come to you.
Fuck yeah!
Make those lips mosey on in there!
Oh my god!
Oh, whoa, whoa!
Wait until I kill somebody on the other place, really.
Fuck yeah, the kid's got technique, though!
We'll never invite you!
Technique?
I'm telling you, stay away!
Alright.
That's good stuff.
That's it.
Hey, you know what?
Give me the fucking read.
Ben's gotta pay the bills.
We're killing it.
We sure do.
Oh, what is it?
Fucking Ira killing it for us today!
Picture going to a carrot store and they ain't got no carrots.
Who wrote these?
Will Silvins?
This could take a while.
I got a bunch of... I bet you do!
Yo, man, they should have chicken at a chicken place.
One year, it was my fucking birthday, and me and my mom went to get a bag of turkey gizzards to give out to all the kids, but the fucking store didn't have it.
And they should have.
The place was called Jeff's Turkey Gizzards.
Jeff's Turkey Gizzards didn't have no fucking turkey.
I was just thinking that.
There's the joke.
All they were selling was whipped cream.
There's the joke.
Go on now.
What do we got?
Women are now tying the knot with trees.
Y as in yes, and B as in bravo!
Money, yes, bravo!
We say bravo around here now.
We sure do.
Bravo!
They have huge bonuses.
I might have to stay home, order some Chinese food, some come dumb white man.
Fuck yeah.
Ira loves it.
Hell yeah.
That's a woke joke.
That's woke.
Ira thinks he's looking at Carlin here.
He loves it.
That's funny.
I wish he was.
Is that also with the cream of some young guy?
That's not a real dish.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that is.
Cream of some young guy from Western Queens.
Oh, that's specific.
I like how you tagged it.
Fuck yeah.
That's a good tag on that joke.
I should say, like, with a big pecker or something after it.
Right, right, yeah.
Learned from the master.
He learned from the best.
Yeah, fuck yeah, I did.
You damn Skippy.
Fuck yeah!
That wasn't vomit.
Wait, wait!
What was it?
Hey, you know and I wiggle that little mug for a while plunger up there we can wiggle it violently back and forth
right like I just swallowed my vomit I Wasn't vomit
Was the flam yeah It was coming to me.
Now it's funny.
My favorite team is the Brewers.
The Brewers?
Yeah, because they got beer around them.
That's good.
That is cool.
What are some ideas?
What do you got?
What do you got?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
What do you got?
Uh-oh, what happened?
Something happened.
The second it comes out, Chip, you will get a free copy to peruse.
A free signed copy.
To peruse.
I ain't traveling.
Rob, what's got you laughing today?
The peruse.
Yeah, he has an answer for that one.
It's got a lot of the behind the scenes stuff of the Opie and Anthony show with Jim Norton, of course.
So you are Anthony from that show.
Tell us how you met.
Yeah, whatever happened on that show?
Oh, it was, well, it kind of... Anthony said something on Twitter.
So how did you two meet?
Were you on Ambien?
No, that's a Roseanne reference.
Oh, thank you.
I went on his radio show, Opie's radio show back on Long Island.
Oh cool, was it in a fucking, was it in a bar?
No, it was back when he broadcast from a radio studio.
That's how they did it in the old days.
Oh, I hear ya.
Yeah, yeah.
It went on.
Then what?
Then we got a job in Boston to go up there and do radio.
Where's he from, Maybury?
Opie, that's funny.
He's from Centiport, Long Island.
Another small town like Mayberry, though.
Everybody would be like, hey, where's Aunt Bea?
Yeah, or Bonnie Fife.
One prison cell.
Right, right.
Otis the Drunk would be in there.
Or Anthony Cumia.
It was more like Otis Tool.
Google that, it's fucking hilarious, you piece of garbage!
You got some green on, too, there, Chippy.
Yes, so do you!
I got gray.
Pants could be great.
Oh, look at that, hottest tool.
He looks like Opie.
Oh, that guy, yeah, he was a serial killer.
I knew that!
Piece of garbage, he was.
He looks like he needs to shave.
What, did he stab Cornflakes?
Serial killer.
Mark, fucking hilarious.
Oh, that's chill.
So do you talk about Opie and Anthony in your book at all?
Yes, I do.
I talk about the beginnings and of course the ending.
You guys still friends?
No, we are not.
So it's an open end.
Right.
You never know.
Never know.
I do though.
No.
No.
Never.
Yeah, why not?
We just don't get along as well as a team has to, you know, have some type of chemistry.
That happens.
We got it here.
We got that chemistry.
You got that chemistry.
Got that chemistry.
Bleach and ammonia.
Jokes he's got left?
Two more.
You know what his sign is?
You know what his sign is?
though. Right. How about this? Holy shit. You know what his sign is? You know what his sign is?
Hold on. Don't don't. Are you probably gonna say is that cancer? You gonna say cancer?
Sure.
Chip take it Take the punch.
Well, he owns it.
He owns it.
He owns it because he had it.
His name is on the door.
Sure it is.
Yeah!
I'd tell them to mime their own business.
Right, or I'd probably go like, um, hey, I'm gonna fucking lick your cunt so good you're gonna moan, Alisa.
We should end with that.
We should end with that.
Yeah.
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