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March 5, 2018 - Louder with Crowder
04:08:11
#CrowdersAntiOscarsParty | Louder With Crowder
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Time Text
over to lead by an any big fat love to hold the spread of love must do love
ground to hold the spread and any America first America first!
Non-fatal!
We want to build a much better, believable people!
And we must do it non-fatal!
Communication very much higher!
America first!
To lead by an A! Insiders fighting for insiders!
Time to stop! Insiders fighting for insiders!
Time to stop!
Insiders fighting for insiders!
America first!
Love the flow!
Good to be with you!
Look at this! Woo! It's a party!
My half-Asian lawyer, Oddjob, with us.
Hashtag Oscars anti-crowder.
Oh, look at Hopper! He's got a bow tie going.
We don't want to be here.
No. This is the truth. We don't want to be here.
We got so many tweets when we said we were going to be doing this this evening with people saying, I'd rather die than watch the Oscars.
That's why we're here, so that you don't have to be watching it.
Let's have some fun. You can break character now.
He's giving me the stoic look.
Before we continue, first off, drinking rules for the night, just like we did with the debates.
Yes. The debates. CNN live stream.
Sven Computer with the overlays.
Bring up the drinking rules that we have for tonight.
You have to take a sip or drink every time the words or general topics thereof.
Trump. Fear. It's 2018.
We will also accept it's time.
Feminism. Equality. Diversity.
Climate change. Assault weapon.
NRA. The topic of borders or wall.
Gun violence. Fascism.
Immigration. That seems redundant because we already mentioned the border or wall.
Or, of course, sexual harassment.
Sexual harassment. Encompassing all.
Hashtag Me Too. Or comments.
Thereof. Yep. So, a lot of you remember this.
We did the drinking game. By the way, before we continue, guests.
Let's bring up the guests, Sven.
We have Owen Benjamin, Lauren Southern, Matt Eisman, Ann McElhinney.
Do we have it? Can they see what we have here?
They can see what they have. They can see.
They can see what we have. We did the drinking game.
Did you ever, when we did the debate live stream.
It's never gone well. And you didn't do very well.
No. Do you know why? Because I'm 140 pounds.
Yes. For one. In particular.
In particular because, because we had like 12% beer.
What was that beer? It was, uh, it was, uh, Dragon's Milk.
And we will commence this evening.
No! Yes.
Death is upon us.
Yes. Dragon's Milk.
There we go. Consumed from our mug.
Where's your mug? My mug's right here.
All right. There we go. By the way, because this is from the state of Michigan.
This is, this is very expensive.
I think it's like 20-something a floor pack to get imported now.
Yeah. Uh, it is in fact 12%.
And so we'll open it with my bottle opener.
Shape of Michigan. Uh, hey look, it's that guy.
Good night, everybody. From Hamilton. Jared, come on.
You gotta go, you gotta get this first.
Let's, uh, let's go. You know, we'll port, we'll half port.
Uh, I guess, Bill, you already have wine in there, right?
I do. I've got a little bit, but I'll finish it quickly.
Here we go. All right. Well, then we can get you some Dragon's Milk.
Go on and off. Incredibly delicious beer.
This is a very, very good beer.
By the way, uh, for people wondering, before we're going to get to the live stream, hey look, there's a, there's a little gay guy who did, do you think that black guy there, I always forget his name, he does, Kelly, let's bring up the sound there, Edward, we can't hear anything.
Do you think that he gets uncomfortable interviewing a little gay guy who did all the rap from Hamilton about slavery?
Probably, absolutely. Probably wants to know.
This is a very odd dynamic.
What's going on here, little man?
What do you know? You know what? I just realized that I, I poured Jared the whole bottle.
Hold on, you and, you and Bill.
I'm going back to play Hamilton.
So, predictions. I'm going to pencil in, I don't know.
I have no best interest in this.
I don't want to. There we go.
There we go. More Dragon's Milk.
So, we're going to have our, uh, our top films, by the way.
Top. Oh, no. What got me was the mother-daughter relationship.
Oh, no. It was such a. Well, to me, it's the most comfortable.
By the way, we're. I'm curious.
I come from a foreign culture, so this is a new experience.
In our history.
Oh, here we go.
Jared, give me your. I'm going to fill your.
A little bit. Do it.
Anyone. I just came in.
The producer, Johnny Boy. I love you.
Johnny. Everyone there.
Anyway, yeah, it's good to see you.
Have a good one.
Uh, alcohol poisoning.
First off. I really don't want to be here.
No. Watching this. But, when we did the CNN live stream, people said, thank you so much because it was so illuminating.
And it was for us as well.
I think they didn't. They needed the camaraderie of watching.
First five minutes.
No. I don't know if we're going to make it past Jimmy Kimmel's monologue.
Okay, who's this guy? He looks like Jack Nicholson after he fell off the roof in the original Batman.
Gary Oldman. Oh, Gary Oldman.
Huge libertarian conservative, by the way.
Let's hear this. So why do you think that you're the guy that played Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour?
Because you look nothing like the guy I've seen on the screen.
Oh my God, it looks like he's acting, right?
Do you recognize any bit of yourself at all?
Occasionally. A little.
There's a little, maybe a little twinkle here.
By the way, for people who don't know, Google Gary Oldman Nancy Pelosi.
Have you ever read his interview in Playboy?
Oh, brutal. The worst word you can call a woman?
Only add totally and effing useless in front of it.
About Nancy Pelosi. Wow.
Pelosi. That's a very honest talk there.
Nancy Pelosi said a totally, he said, Bill Maher gets away with calling it.
If he calls someone a fag, no one cares.
But if I were to say Nancy Pelosi is a bleep, I'll go one further.
A completely, totally, utterly worthless bleep.
They'd hang me from the gallows.
And by the way, I have a story about Gary Oldman with Andrew Breitbart.
Gary Oldman, Frank Miller, Andrew Breitbart.
He wanted Bill Maher to be.
Wait, that actually happened?
He's a big, big libertarian conservative.
And you know the Academy this year is just so conflicted because they have to give him this award.
They know. They recognize the talent, but they'd rather him just keep his mouth shut and walk away.
It's like Mel Gibson, only he's not wrong.
It's true. Remember his Black Lives Matter comments?
He got so much for it. Well, he had to apologize.
They bullied, I think they bullied him.
Look at him. Look at him.
See, Daniel Day-Lewis goes up and he talks about how he had to, you know, he went on a ride-along so he knows what it's like.
He doesn't like to be an LAPD officer.
Gary Oldman's dancing as Churchill.
The Academy hates this about him, right?
Same with Anthony Hopkins.
They stopped doing a lot of interviews with them when they realized that these people weren't self-important because they let people in behind the curtain.
Exactly. They don't help with the echo chamber, and that's why we're here, right?
We're going to talk. We're going to give people who are sitting at home an understanding of, hey, there's other people out there who also don't want this to be happening right now.
No, no. I mean, yes, that too.
But, I mean, did you ever hear Alex Baldwin?
I'm thinking of The Edge. I guess I'm on your chin. I'm going to distract you.
It's going to bug me all night. Did you ever hear Anthony Hopkins interviewed?
They asked him how he got into these roles and how much work he put in and how was he able to drain himself to do it, and he just said, so I can live in Malibu.
That was it. He's so unassuming that people just stopped interviewing him.
Is this the guy from Moonlight?
I know that was last year, right?
That's Mohammed something.
He's the guy in House of Cards.
He plays Remy something, the consultant.
Yeah. That's him?
I was almost convinced. But he usually has a mustache.
Yeah, usually a much bigger, much bigger dude.
So let's go to, by the way, we should also tell you, Mug Club, lateralclutter.com slash Mug Club, tonight, so tonight through midnight, you get $10 off if you join Mug Club.
Use the promo code OSCARSSUCK. OSCARSSUCK is a promo code.
I think they'll allow OSCARSSUCK because people get confused with the S's, so either way you should be fine, and Sven Computer will read them live on air.
Isn't that right, Sven Computer? We'll do our best.
We won't bring them up this time because we don't have that much space for overlays, but we will read them, and you'll get your name read out loud.
You can't bring them up on air? People want to see themselves.
Like, hi, Mom, on TV. Well, they get their names heard.
That's fine. Okay. All right.
We'll accept it. Send us, by the way, and I want to hear your top five movies of the year, your bottom five movies of the year, what you expect to win.
The only thing that I will say about these awards nominated tonight, I, Tonya, absolutely deserves it.
Yep. And I know people will hang me alive for this.
Well, I guess that is kind of how you hang people.
Three Billboards Over Ebbing, Missouri was fantastic.
I still haven't seen it. There was a little bit of the Black Lives Matter kind of messaging, but it was really more about redemption, and our good friend Nick Searcy was in there.
Yep. That's actually why he couldn't do the show tonight because he said he had to be objective.
And, of course, Gary Oldman for the Winston Churchill.
Did any of you guys see that, Darkest Hour?
Not yet. That one, but I almost, if it counts, I almost Redboxed it.
I thought about Redboxing.
Yeah, I don't, I didn't even, where do you find a Redbox?
You stood there in front of the Walgreens, and you held yourself by the box, and you said, maybe.
No, I didn't even do that. I looked it up on my phone.
I'm like, oh, it does exist in this one Redbox.
Are they still distributing beta?
Like, what do you get when you go to a Redbox now?
You go to a Walgreens, does it eject a VHS? No, that's still family video.
You still have a good family video.
Out for beta? Out in the hood for that.
Route 66! So, let me, hold on, let me check our schedule here.
We have a few things to get to tonight.
We have not only our top five and our bottom five, but we also have big surprise movie of the year.
What do you think this year's biggest film surprise is going to be?
Let us know. Tweet us.
This is our personal choices, right? Our personal choices first.
These are, well, no, the surprise movie we all, we agreed on, but then we have personal choices, our bottom five and our top five.
What was your favorite movie of the year, Bill?
Not Blade Runner. Not Blade Runner?
I can't even focus on the top ones, because I'm already at the bottom ones.
Okay, Blade Runner was in your bottom.
I think Blade Runner actually crossed the board.
Yeah, it was in there. Making me sad.
I didn't see it, so I didn't put it in there.
Count yourself blessed.
You can't even think, what would you give one of your top films?
I, Tonya. I, Tonya, you saw it?
Oh, yeah. I, Tonya was really, really good.
Yeah, it was very good. Is it Allison Jennings?
Is that her name? Yeah. She's incredible.
Yeah, she's incredible. She did a fantastic job.
If you haven't seen I, Tonya, highly recommend it.
Also, last night, saw Game Night.
Very highly recommend Game Night.
Excellent. Some of the best writing in a comedy that I've seen in years.
Was it turned to the end? Yeah.
It was really well done. A lot of attention to detail.
Really good. Really good performances. Jason Bateman.
A Jesse Plemons kid is always funny.
He's from Dallas. He started in Friday Night Lights.
And he gained weight for, someone can let me know, Jesse Plemons.
He gained weight for what? And then he couldn't, he couldn't lose it.
He never lost it from the face.
You know what I mean? Never recovered.
I understand. I very much understand.
I gain, if I gain two pounds, I put it in my face.
Jesse Plemons puts it in his face.
But he's got the, he's got the pock marks.
So, what, are you talking to me? I thought I heard you talking to me.
No. Black Panther, did anyone see Black Panther?
I saw Black Panther. You did?
Yeah. He only sees crap.
I'm wearing Black Panther right now.
Did you see Black Panther? No, I wouldn't see it.
How would you know? Well, because you said it was going to be crap.
It was crap. It was crap.
You only see Marvel films. And so, if you say it's bad, then it must be pretty bad.
What was the film you took Sven to see that one time you had the opportunity to take him to see something?
I took him, that's right.
Thor Ragnarok. It was Thor, yeah.
It was definitely Thor, which is definitely worse.
That was horrible. It was terrible.
Everyone loved Thor Ragnarok. That was worse.
That was, in fairness, that was worse than Black Panther.
All right, hold on. I'm going to go to some sweets.
We can't look at the overlay. Let me see what people, their top films are.
Fix this shit.
Where is the shape of water, says Jerry.
Not a movie goer, but Star Wars last night was awesome and some problems also.
Is a drinking game posted anywhere?
Let's make sure we get this up on Twitter.
Yes, they are posted.
Let's bring the rules back up.
We'll make sure we keep posting them on the Twitter.
Right now it's a commercial, so we can't really do a whole lot about it while it's a commercial.
I got on Twitter and found most actors are twat waffles, said Jay White.
Okay. I'd show off your sign.
Okay. All right. I didn't even...
People try to get too...
Oh, let's go. Oh, there's Meryl Streep.
Let's bring this up. Nicole Kidman and Meryl Streep are getting here just in time.
We are live on a red carpet. Just in time to ruin the evening.
Until the start of the Academy Awards.
Now let's go to Vanity Fair's Krista Smith.
Vanity Fair's Krista Smith. Look who I found on the red carpet.
Sandra Bullock. Oh, that was Johnny Bush crush back in the day.
She's presenting tonight.
Well, I don't know if she's presenting another soul dwelling inside of her, but that is a...
very odd choice of...
She looks like Mr. Marbles from that episode of Seinfeld.
You know what? It's different every year.
This year feels... This is a little robotic.
Don't do this. It's okay.
Men are attracted to older women as well.
It's perfectly fine for you to age.
We expect you to age. You don't need to sew jawbreakers into your cheek.
Yes! I don't know what this is.
Ugh. She said like...
She went in and said, give me the Lady Lane from the merry-go-round.
Tell me about putting that together.
She needs to go back to her speed days.
Yeah. That was... Well, unfortunately, that was also a horrible motion picture, which I know people...
You are a horrible person.
It is a great movie. Here's one thing, too, tonight that's...
Was it last year? Who hosted last year?
Who hosted the Oscars last year?
I forgot. Was it Neil Patrick Harris? Was it Neil Patrick Harris?
Was it last year? Very forgettable.
Forgettable was Neil Patrick Harris.
The worst, obviously, was Franco and Anne Hathaway, but that was great.
He felt pretty decent.
Totally redeemed in always disliking Anne Hathaway.
That's right. It was Neil Patrick Harris, who was surprisingly relatively apolitical last year.
Neil Patrick Harris. Or was it Seth MacFarlane?
Was it Seth MacFarlane last year?
Crap. I don't know. They all start to run together.
2017 Oscars. Oh, Nicole Kidman.
Yeah, the power of the internet. Gosh, look at this.
Wow. Does anyone else feel really sad watching women who we grew up with?
They're still trying to look at the women we grew up with?
Isn't this like there's a percentage of plastic in which you're no longer human?
I mean, I feel like that's a...
At a certain point, it just becomes Bicentennial Man incarnate.
I remember when I was a kid, I had a huge crush on Kimmy.
Kim Basinger. And then they...
I wasn't allowed to see Batman Returns with Michelle Pfeiffer because it was pretty violent, the second one.
And then I was able to see Batman forever.
So, in my mind, they replaced Kim Basinger with redhead Nicole Kidman.
This is unbelievable.
I cannot believe that they replaced the two.
Okay, it looks like they're running the credits, so we're going to be getting to the Oscars here pretty soon.
Okay, predictions. Opening monologue.
How many of the drinking game topics does Jimmy Kimmel hit?
Ooh, 107%.
You're Asian. You're supposed to be better with your numbers.
Oh, I know, but they're going to get them all in, plus more.
I think in his opening remarks, probably at least...
How do they wrap this right now when there's four minutes to go?
There are a lot of commercials.
Okay, listen. We're going to be...
Our first guest up is Lauren Southern after the monologue.
Okay, we're going to go... What's our first break, Garrett?
Our first... We have a bunch of films from our own from this year that we did.
We did, of course, some parodies, some satires.
What's the first one we have in the queue there, Garrett?
Looks like we're going to do E.T. E.T. Which one of the E.T.'s?
The opening cornfield.
Okay, this is actually an origin story of Knock A. Jared, and we're going to be handing out our awards here shortly.
Enjoy this cut from the Academy Award-nominated E.T. We'll be right back.
You you You
Go.
You have to go.
Thank you. Thank you.
you you
you you
you Oh
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
the the
the the
I'll be right here. No.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I wouldn't be surprised.
I'm not.
you you
Thank you. Thank you.
But that's my house!
Oh Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
you which will not yeah what's going on Johnny boy
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
It's the 90th Annual Academy Awards.
Whenever you hear these voiceovers, you think it's a sketch.
Thank you By the way, anyone who's ever been there, they have to, like, sweep the hobos off the sidewalk as they piss.
It is a terrible, terrible area of town.
I went for the first time there, what, a month ago?
That was appalled. That's right, that was disgusting.
Okay, hold on, let's... Oh, this is fake.
This is a sketch. Okay. Bring up the sound here, son.
We can't hear it, brother. Why is there any hammer there?
Was he Black Panther?
He was the other guy in it.
He's one of the main guys in it.
Yeah, he's one of the main guys, but I think he's the other guy.
Chadwick Boseman, I think? Yes.
We are going to get in trouble for that one.
Okay, there we've got Meryl Streep.
The one who misquoted the pay gap.
Robot Bullock is in the back there, too.
Mind the gap. It's best actor favorite, Gary Oldman.
If you love Gary and Forrest Gump, you're thinking of Gary Sinise.
You know what's funny?
Both conservatives. Gary Sinise has been on the show a few times.
She is pretty.
Very. She's very pretty.
Talented. Has she done anything?
Sin spoon light? Wait.
President's toilet? Was something about presidents?
Give us more sound there, Edward.
All right. Drink. They just said president.
So that don't count as President Trump.
For those who missed... Oh, that's Jimmy Kimmel.
Okay. Let's get on with the show.
That's why it sounded so sketchy.
It wasn't believable. Sven Computer, bring up the drinking rules one more time.
Right beforehand. You see this?
Don't be here. It's time.
Feminism, equality, diversity, climate change, assault weapon, NRA, borders wall, gun violence, fascism, immigration, sexual harassment, or any topics encompassed thereof.
You have to take a drink along with the rest of us.
This will be a fun night because Jared...
I think NRA is going to take the cake tonight.
Yeah, NRA. Go take the cake.
That's my bet. You know what's funny?
I saw Jimmy Kimmel earlier this week and he was significantly heavier.
So you know he just got into a bath with F himself.
Like he didn't lose his weight health.
The guy fluctuates.
Got on a more than...
Cycle machine. More than Daniel Day-Lewis.
He goes to Robert De Niro, but he has nothing to prep for.
He just does it. Thank you for watching.
Thank you for having me. All right, folks.
It's a great honor to have...
My love is at the ready....for a second time.
It's a great honor to...
Oh, he did host last year with Jimmy Kimmel.
It was that forgettable. Except for the envelope snap.
ABC's all about second chances.
What could be better than that? Nothing, right?
It's a redemptive story. Okay.
So we have, by the way, we're not...
We're not a few here, so we do have our two Oscars.
This year, when you hear your name, being called, don't get up right away.
Oscar Jane and Joe. Oscar Jane and Joe.
Give us a minute. We don't want another thing.
Oh, inside joke. What happened last year was unfortunate.
I've not told the story in public.
I don't know. I didn't watch last year.
I didn't have to. That's why we're doing it this year, so the people who don't want to watch get to watch.
Last year, about a week before the show, the producers asked me if I wanted to do comedy with the accountants.
And I said, no, I don't want to do comedy with the accountants.
So then the accountants went ahead and did comedy on their own.
And I had to hand it to them.
It was hilarious, but it won't happen again.
I'd like to be hearing theirs right about now.
The chairman of PricewaterhouseCoopers said, and I quote, our singular focus will be on the show and delivering the correct envelopes, which does make sense.
Just out of curiosity, though, what was your focus the other 89 years?
I'm hopeful that things will go smoothly tonight.
We can't ruin this one.
This is a special year.
This is a big one. These are the 90th Academy Awards.
This is history happening.
And also, coincidentally, your lowest rating ever.
It's really every year now is their lowest ratings ever.
It's a race outdo themselves last year.
Oh, there you go. Oscar is here with us.
After all the awards given for achievements in show business, Oscar is still number one.
No question about it. Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood.
And there's a very good reason why.
Just look at him. By the way, very soon we'll get into explaining to you exactly the history of the Oscars and why it doesn't mean anything.
How it is entirely about pay for play.
A lot of people don't know if it's pay to play the Oscars.
People still think it's legit. Why isn't this nominated?
How did this person win?
It's about how much ad space you take out.
This has been going on for a while. I think Sven has the research for that a little bit later on.
Here's how clueless Hollywood is about women.
We made a movie called What Women Want, and it starred Mel Gibson.
Eh, drink. That is such a selfie.
That's sexual selfie.
The Academy, as you're no doubt aware, took action last year to expel Harvey Weinstein from their ranks.
There were a lot of great nominees, but Harvey deserved it the most.
And, oh, that's nice.
That's very sweet. So, I'm sure he'll appreciate that applause.
The Academy kicked him out, and after they did, I was curious, so I looked it up.
You know, the only other person to be expelled from the Academy ever was a character actor named Carmine Peritti.
In 2014, he was kicked out for sharing screeners.
This is interesting. Carmine Peritti got the same punishment as Harvey Weinstein for giving his neighbor a copy of Sebas.
This is an odd pacing for opening monologue.
It is a very odd pacing.
You'd think they'd be a little bit snappier.
But what happened with Harvey, and what's happening all over, was long overview.
We can't let bad behavior slide anymore.
Anymore. Anymore.
Anymore. Anymore.
That qualifies as its time, as well as a sexual harassment.
What about Time's Up?
Two sips. Two sips. If you can do that, women will only have to deal with harassment all the time at every other place.
Now, again, women have to deal with harassment.
Gosh, he just had women and harassment.
That's another sip. I need some dragon's milk.
I hope you will listen to many brave and outspoken supporters of movements like Me Too and Time's Up and Never Again because what they're doing is important.
Things are changing for the better.
They're making sure of that.
It is positive change.
This is a night for positivity.
Positive change. It's time. Who's keeping a tally?
Stally! Each and every one of which got crushed by Black Panther this weekend.
Yes. That's okay.
We can get you, by the way.
Thank you. The success of Black Panther and Milk is one of really popular stories this year.
Especially for African-Americans and Bob Iger.
I want to see who's playing along with us and how long you think you're going to make it.
Because, wow. I'm already disappearing.
Oh! A woman or a minority.
Oh, my God. Minority.
Does that kind of diversity? I think it does.
It does. Because it was March of last year.
But, this year we have a lot to celebrate.
I think we touched on 25% of them already.
Ceilings have been shattered.
Ceilings have been screenwriting. We have our first ever female nominee for cinematography.
First ever female nominee.
It's all right. We're already with the It's Time.
I'm keeping this bottle to drink to myself.
So many of tonight's nominees are making history.
Did you spill Dragon's Milk?
No. Popcorn Hall. History?
Shame on you. I was picking the popcorn.
Greta Gerwig is the first woman to be nominated for a director.
Thank you. First woman.
For crying out loud. And that's important.
How long is the best actress?
Drink. First woman.
And that is nuts.
This is a long evening in wait.
A very long way to go in that department. And a very long way to go when it comes to equal pay.
Especially when you look at what happens with Mark Wahlberg.
Work the word. And we all know the story.
Mark Wahlberg was paid a million and a half dollars.
Jared's not. By the way. Keep us accountable.
If you're not drinking. And Sven, you let us know.
Because he often cheats a million. She was paid $80 a day.
I have to. For the same thing.
And what made it especially unfair is that Mark and Michelle are represented by the same agency.
Here's what's funny to me. We're talking about equal pay.
We're talking about it's time.
How long has the...
You know what, Sven, let's find this for me.
How long has the best actress category existed?
At least a couple of decades.
It's been a few decades.
It's been going on for a long time. I mean, you go back to Natalie Wood.
Mark Wahlberg announced...
So, half a century?
And we're talking about equality in motion pictures?
The truth is, it couldn't be more equal as far as why people go to see films.
Think about it. Right? Oh, who's the Bond girl?
No. Who's the...
Who's the... Who's the new Transformers girl?
Who's the new Transformers girl?
Yeah. That's a big one.
That's a big one. Meryl Streep has won more awards.
Been nominated more than anyone, I believe.
Hey, look. A guy nominated for a mediocre horror film.
He's only the third person in 90 years to be nominated for directing, writing, and Best Picture for his debut film.
Wait, did he just say first time for something?
What debut it was?
None other than President Trump called Get Out, the best first three quarters of a movie this year.
President Trump! We're not going to make it through this evening.
We have to get to Lauren Southern relatively soon.
Margot Robbie had a great year, too.
Margot scored her first nomination for her portrayal of Tonya Harding in I, Tonya.
She was fantastic. Well-deserved.
Who's kneecaps did Tonya Harding have to break to get this dream casting?
Because, I mean, that was...
If they made a movie about my life, best case scenario, I'd be played by Jim Belushi.
Another exceptionally gifted young actor.
Don't worry, they're not going to make a movie about Kimmel's life.
The fall from grace.
Maybe be... I think he's even ambitious with Jim Belushi.
I think they might just have to whiten up Louis Diamond Phillips.
This actress has been around for 88 years.
Since 1929.
Reg is helping me with this.
Since the beginning. Since the beginning.
88 years. Since the very beginning of the Oscars.
Best actress category has existed.
Now watch. That's going to be considered discriminatory.
At some point here in the next five years, actress, actor, that's going to be a controversy.
It will if they start giving it to trannies instead of actual women.
Have they ever given me an award?
I don't know, but if it happens...
You're going to get the trannies on you.
You're going to get the LGBTs.
You're going to get the pansexuals in that midget from Willow.
He's going to come out of the woodwork. He's going to be upset.
You're going to have to have a whole new slew of Academy Awards.
But at that point, they'll have like four viewers.
They'll have slightly more viewers than Jimmy Kimmel's nightly show.
He is old.
Hey, there's the guy who won the award over Nick Nolte that year because he's gay.
And that's absolutely true. Anyone who watches Warrior, Nick Nolte, absolutely.
It's like you should have just gift-wrecked him.
Put it right there. By the way, I will also say the thing about Monique.
I hated that movie, Precious, but Monique was so...
Mo apostrophe Neek, as surprising as it is.
Capital N. She was so good in that film.
The longest she ever went without being nominated was from 1992 to 1995.
And that's only because those were the years she was in prison.
And that, I think, is amazing.
The most nominated movie tonight, a film that's up for 13 Oscars, is The Shape of Water, written and directed by...
Did you see The Shape of Water? No, I didn't.
I had no idea from seeing it.
Whoa, is that Wozniak? No.
It's... Well, it's the love child of Wozniak and Michael Moore.
Oh, yeah. Guillermo del Toro. I just...
I got really tired of Guillermo...
Guillermo... Guillermo...
Guillermo del Toro. Guillermo. He did...
He did... He did... Okay. The bottle scene is what everyone remembers from...
And then he did, um...
What was the next film?
The Orphanage. And this is true.
15 minutes from beginning to end.
He hasn't really done anything that great. No.
And people still complain. Was it recently?
Was it Mama? So, if you do...
Well, this is The Shape of Water.
We want you to say whatever you feel needs to be said.
Speak from the heart. We want passion.
Oh, look, look, look, look at this.
They're goading them.
They're goading them. About important things like equal rights and equal treatment.
Fudge! I'm already...
You only bought a four-pack?
Equal rights. NRA, ready?
NRA, come up. You have two drinks that you already have to do.
Do that. Or maybe you just want to thank your parents and tell your kids to go to sleep.
What you say is entirely up to you.
You don't have to change the world.
Do whatever you want. I love how you just said, please come out here and push a political message.
Change the world. Or you don't have to.
Not saying you shouldn't give a long speech.
That's a little message there. But whoever gives the shortest speech tonight will go home with...
Johnny, tell them what they'll win.
It's a brand new jet ski!
When we go to the first commercial break, we will go to a commercial break and bring on Lauren Southern.
I know the order today is going to be a little bit mixed up because this has gone so bad so quickly.
This is the first bit. You notice that, Bill?
Wow. This is really the first bit of the whole night.
Right. And it's Helen Mirren doing a Price is Right thing, which isn't bad in and of itself, but that's all they have.
Yeah. Why waste precious time thanking your mom when you could be taking her for the ride of her life...
By the way... Promo code Oscars suck.
$10 off mug club. Right here.
Mug club. Mug club.
The moment you are handed that Oscar, the clock will start ticking, so get up here, grab it, and go.
And in the unlikely event of a tie...
I'm not going to lie. This dragon milk is gone.
I need to say the jet ski will be awarded to Christopher Plummer.
So this bottle, 12% within...
Okay, hold on. Best supporting actor.
Best supporting actor. All right, let's see this.
All right, all right. We've got something important.
We've got something happening here. We've got something happening here.
Finally, he shut up. That was the mom?
Monologue? That was the weakest monologue I've ever seen.
That was disappointing. By the way, it wasn't even...
Farmers.
Do you know what the secret of life is?
A real loser is so afraid of not winning...
Oh, there's Jack Lemmon.
There you go. That's the truth. This is how you...
You know it's bad when you're waiting for the relief of the montage.
This montage is much better than Kimmel's opening.
It's much better than Kimmel's opening. And remember everyone gave Hugh Jackman flack, you know, because he did the whole musical number and he's not a very good singer.
But at least he put in some effort. It felt like Jimmy Kimmel just phoned it in.
Did he host it with... Is that with Steph McFarlane?
Did he host it? You know your problem? You don't like winners.
What am I thinking about? I don't know.
You're drunk. He's listening to the studio.
He is home. At some point, you've got to decide for yourself who you owe me.
That's sad. You can do anything you want.
You are bound by nothing.
That was an incredible performance, Rob Williams.
Good Will Hunting. Oh, that was, uh...
What's his name? Guy played Shadow...
Shadow's voice in Cocoon.
Was he nominated for Best Supporting Actor for that?
Were those all nominees?
I don't know. I don't think so.
Hold on a second. Viola Davis.
Boy, she can barely...
I mean, how many hip replacements has she had?
Is she on number nine? What is she...
She barely... You've got to...
You've got to dress for her, Steph.
Some of the most memorable and legendary performances in film history came from those who won the Oscar in the category of Supporting Actor.
Each of the icons of the past, I'm sorry.
Whoever told her this was a good hair selection?
One that each of tonight's nominees met...
It looks like she's bald and has a ponytail.
Here are this year's nominees for... It looks like she's bald.
This is the worst angle possible. And someone took, uh, uh, uh, uh, what was it?
Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe. Christopher Walken.
Water sucked out. He's like a Christopher Walken dinosaur that fills up in reverse.
You can just not let me have...
He's with biggest chin.
In reverse. Like an episode of Seinfeld that goes backwards.
My job title? Manager?
I have friends, though.
I have a love. A friend.
Yeah, we all got friends.
We all got friends. But this is a special rule for you.
That was the scene? The scene always bothers me when they cut to them and they always look so self-sensitive.
Like, I want them to cut to them and then go...
You know what?
I like Woody Harrelson, but this is not a nomination for the, uh, performance.
What I do care about, or what I'm interested in, is tying you up in court so long.
To show us how...
Like, think about when you have Cuba Gooding.
You can think of something iconic.
Or, you know, you can even think of something's gotta give.
You can think of those, right? But, um, these are just totally inconsequential clips.
Yeah. Think, think of Monique even in Pressure.
They don't highlight anything.
The only thing that I recognize are these eyes.
Great actor.
In this old man's face.
Sometimes I think I was either born too early or too late for my life.
I'm gonna go get some more rice.
We're gonna have Lauren Southern on in only a couple seconds here.
A couple minutes, once we hear the nominee.
Uh, and then we'll hear the speech.
Time's up. Hey, he just added on his lapel.
Said time's up. What do you have?
Time's up. Oh, God.
They are exactly...
Wait, what's he nominated for? Christopher Plummer?
They never change. They never disappoint.
I feel like it's mandatory. Christopher Plummer has to be nominated or Meryl Streep.
There's the purity to beautiful things that I've never been able to find.
When was the last time Anthony Hopkins was nominated?
I felt like he was one of those two. No, no, no.
He was only nominated a couple times. You'd think he was...
He's a voice. He's a hero too.
Yeah, but... Oh, okay.
He was great in this. Sam Rockwell was great in this.
By the way, the most offensive thing Naki Deirdre's ever said in the office was he said he thought Ethan Hawke was a poor man in Sam Rockwell.
Like, there's no comparison whatsoever.
I don't know what he was thinking. In fairness, I meant Josh Brolin.
Were you drunk on Dragon's Milk?
Yeah, I was gonna say...
See, look.
That's... Okay, there's a reaction.
Yeah. Like, eh. Alright, you know, okay.
I'm not... I'm uncomfortable with this.
Okay, Oscar goes to... I hope Sam Rockwell.
Sam Rockwell. There we go.
Yeah, there we go. Excellent.
That's a good one, actually. Sam Rockwell did really well.
If you haven't seen Three Billboards Over Ebbing, Missouri, a little bit of a Black Lives Matter bent, a little bit of a rape culture bent to it, but then it pivots out of that, and it really is a story about redemption.
Nick Searcy is in it. Small role, but does a really good job.
It is genuinely a very interesting film.
It's one of the few films that I see on here tonight where I go, okay, that makes sense.
I'm not gonna complain about Three Billboards Over Ebbing, Missouri.
Okay, this is the first speech, and then we'll bring on Lauren Southern.
Timmy, I wanna get that Steve Jett or whatever that was.
I'd like to thank the Academy.
Never thought I'd say those words.
Willem Dafoe, Richard Jenkins, Christopher Plummer, Woody Harrelson.
You guys rock. You inspire me, and you always have.
When I was eight years old, I was called to the principal, and my friend would sell him, and he said, we gotta go.
Grandma. I was in the car, and I said, what's wrong with Grandma?
I think I just saw a movie recently. Look it up.
My mom and dad's love of movies became my love of movies, so thank you for that, mom and dad.
I love you. Thank you to the formidable Francis McDormand.
We're at the convention, Francis.
Who was the movie you saw in the middle, Bill?
Mr. Right. Action, comedy, he's an assassin.
You guys are my heroes. It's friggin' awesome.
The rest of this incredible cast and crew, incredible.
This is what an Oscar speech should be.
Please end it. His lapel says, time's up.
Time's up. Gosh. All right.
Drink. Time's up.
It's the same thing as this time, right?
Time's up. I want to spend on the movies with you.
I love you. Rhonda, Elise, Jason, Liz Mahoney, Liz Hemelstein, Tara Knickerbocker, all my good friends, and my beloved Leslie Bibb, you light my fire, baby.
I love you. All right.
That was a good first speech. Okay.
We have our next guest here.
We have our first guest up.
I believe she is here.
Lauren Southern, are you with us?
I am here. I can just barely hear you.
All right. Well, we'll get that fixed here, and I can barely see you, but that's because I'm looking into these floodlights, and I have this stupid hat here.
Oh, look at that. There you go.
Lauren, you're looking very fun to see me.
You could be walking the red carpet.
Are you doing your own Oscars party at home with a bottle of Chardonnay?
I'm not actually entirely sure what the Oscars is.
I was just told to wear black and to accuse someone of sexual assault, so I figured you and Jared could flip a coin.
Yes. Well, you know what?
That's actually delegated to him as part of his responsibilities as per his contract.
Isn't that right? That is exactly in there.
My half-Asian lawyer here, Oddjob, is here this evening, just so you know, Lauren.
So have you watched the Oscars at all yet?
No. Didn't it just start?
I've been watching your show.
Oh, well, thank you. The only thing that matters.
Well, we are watching the Oscars, so we know how honest she's being at the front of us.
We'll send her a check later. But I tell you what.
We have a drinking game going on tonight.
By the way, this is a beer that's 12%, and Jared is already three sheets to the wind.
Whether it's immigration, guns, it's time, equality, diversity, and we're already there.
We already got through each a pint.
Lauren, how do you feel as a woman?
They're wearing these Time's Up stickers, and they just talked about equality and the first woman to be nominated for something, something, something, or other.
But the Best Actress category has been there since the Academy's inception.
Do you feel like women are underrepresented in film, Lauren?
Do I feel like women are underrepresented in film?
I'm not sure what time is up, because I've seen plenty of women in film.
But you know what? We haven't asked them all what they identify as, so who knows?
True. Who knows? Do you see that becoming a problem?
We were just talking about this. Do you see that becoming a problem in the future?
Best Actress, Best Actor, do you see that being the next kind of frontier?
Because obviously it's gendered by its very nature.
Oh, shoot. We need Best Act-zer.
I guess. Yes.
That's going to be the next category.
Yes. And then they're just, there's like 72 in New York.
These Oscars are going to get hella long.
The ratings are already low.
I'm excited to see the viewership through everything single.
Act-zer. Act-zer.
Xanadu was ahead of its time.
That's what we're all going to call Xanadu.
The future is now.
Oh, we should have nominated you.
We need the chance, Xanadu.
Lauren, when was the last time you watched the Oscars?
We're doing it so that no one else has to, right?
That's why you're here. And you're classing up the joint.
I mean, I look okay if I do say so myself, but not as fine as you.
I maybe watched it like three years ago.
Like I said, I'm not even sure what the Oscars is.
Then why do you have alcohol in a cup?
It seems almost.
Because I saw Meryl Streep's speech last year, and I've seen all of the little cancerous tidbits on YouTube afterwards.
But I never actually, took the initiative to put myself through that pain like you guys are.
I'm not sure why you guys are such masochists.
Yeah. Maybe you should figure that out.
Maybe a group therapy session with Ladder with Crowder.
I'm not sure. That's effectively what this is, Lauren.
This effectively is a group therapy session, and that's why we brought you in.
Something's going on right now with America.
I don't want to see this American Idol.
I can't watch this.
Cancerous tidbits. That needs to be tweeted out.
Cancerous tidbits. Cancerous tidbits.
Those little bits getting in your brain.
Cancerous tidbits. That's actually what they do when they dispose of the mastectomy.
Wow. Christina Applegate just flashed into my brain.
Yeah, I know. It's a real thing.
By the way, we're not joking about breast cancer.
We're just joking about tits. No, cancerous tidbits.
Yeah, cancerous tidbits. Right.
Cancerous tidbits. I don't know why that tickled me.
It's very funny. That's what I'll remember all evening, Lauren.
Cancerous tidbits. Well, that's what you're drinking to.
You're literally drinking to cancerous tidbits.
Apparently. And then I think in Canada, I think of timbits.
These were Tim Hortons. It's like their donut.
This was before donut holes were a thing, and Tim Hortons.
They were timbits.
Yep. All right. Hold on a second.
Let's bring up Jimmy Kimmel here, Lauren.
Let's see if you can hear him. Let's see how long it takes for him to say something that aggravates us.
If your speech goes too long or it aren't going to play you off stage, if your speech runs over this year, instead of music, you will see and hear this.
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
Did you see Get Out, Lauren? Did you see Get Out?
I saw the trailer for it. Oh gosh, that doesn't well. Yeah, I guess that counts
That's pretty you've pretty much seen it if you've seen the trailer
It's helpful. It was not a bad film, but it doesn't make sense for it to be nominated. It's one of those things
It's like I'm trying to think it would be it would be like nominating deaf comedy jam
You know was it was it actually a social justice warrior thing because I can never tell these days if it's being
properly labeled
That's a good point. I think the left wanted to claim it more than it really was meant to be that.
Get out!
Exactly. We just want to be entertained.
Right. Like, I saw Black Panther, and I thought it was pretty okay.
Obviously, the colonizer bit, and the barking at white people was annoying.
But other than that, pretty okay movie.
Speaking of Black Panther, it's Wonder Woman, right?
She's Israeli. Is she allowed in there?
I don't know.
Is she allowed in there at the Oscars?
I mean, I know they're mostly Jewish, but they hate Israel.
So it's kind of... It's a self-hating thing.
No, this is four hours in a chair, plus prosthetics.
Why is Arnie Hammer there?
Great name. That's it. Creativity of those who are in makeup and hairstyle.
Oh, makeup and hairstyle. Okay, right.
You know what? You could be nominated for that, Lauren, the way you're looking this evening.
Okay, we have to get going, and we have to get to our best films.
Where's the best place for people to find you as you continue drinking Chardonnay from your porcelain mug, which, please tell me you have a friend in your apartment.
I don't know if I can say that.
That is your friend in the apartment.
It counts. Exactly.
Exactly. At Lauren underscore Southern on Twitter, and just Google me.
You'll find me. Just Google me.
You can find me anywhere. And keep the hashtag going, because it's the anti-Oscars last year.
And by the way, if you haven't joined Mug Club yet, Oscars suck is the promo code.
You get $10 off, Lauren.
So we'll get a mug in your hands yet.
Cheers. Will do. Bye.
Take care. Good seeing you.
And we must go back to...
Who won? I can still see Lauren.
Give her the old hang-up.
We still see you.
Oh, for makeup for Churchill.
Darkest Hour. This is relatively inconsequential.
All right. Quick, quick.
Place your bets. How much you want to bet this Asian guy is going to talk with a list?
Bill? Definitely 10 to 1.
I'm going with the Asian on the odds there.
All right. Let's see.
He doesn't...
I'm... I forgot the glasses.
Firstly, we would like to give our heartfelt thanks to Gary Oldman.
It was a real honor to be on this incredible journey with you.
Bill, you've got to find this funny.
Right. And you're a wonderful actor.
Brother, you can do better.
We thank you for that. I actually, here's the thing.
You're Asian. We'd also like to thank Desire Schmidt.
Only from the waist up. Is he straight?
The entire team... It's makeup.
Gay Asian makeup. It's hard to tell.
Let me be honest. I don't have a gaydar.
I really have no idea. Not even with Asians?
No, no, no. I can't...
I can tell... I mean, I can tell, like, what kind of Asian you are.
What kind of Asian is he? Good at math.
Finally, thank you to the actor.
The mathematical equation to make your brow ridge bigger like a Winston Churchill.
Yeah, yeah. Hold on. Gary, stop smoking cigar.
More car maker, less nail salon.
Yeah. I wonder...
I wonder... See, I can't guess.
I wonder if Asians can tell...
Are you actually... Can you generally pretty much tell if they're Chinese, Japanese?
Yeah, yeah. Generally.
But there's a lot of intermixing. So, like, there's a lot of Chinese people who live in Thailand.
So, are they Thai? Are they Chinese?
What do you think that guy was? Japanese.
Yeah. That's what I was going to say, too.
I'm in the church if you need me.
What is this? This is just a weird cut to a clip.
Am I the only one who feels like the pacing is really odd with the Oscars this year?
It's almost as bad as this show. I don't want to know who killed my brother!
Almost. Almost. What is this?
Okay. Jilted. It's a jilted, stilted, weird timing.
Best actress in a supporting role from the 1955 Best Picture.
Okay. So, Best Actress in a Supporting Role.
Can we just talk about how it's time, how there aren't enough actresses represented?
They just gave Best Actress.
Now they're even Best Actress. It's amazing that this woman, given what you hear about inequality, that she won an award back then.
Hey, there's Danielle Day-Lewis. Yeah, really.
That's a good point. She won, what did they say, 51?
Thank you so much.
Someone get that Japanese makeup artist back on stage.
It means so much to me, having lost my husband last year.
Oh, no. After 65 years.
And we would come to this academy every year.
Rude. I don't have a DeLorean.
That made up for it, and it was so loud, I know he heard it.
She does not seem very effective.
Grandma? I just realized something. I'm older than the academy.
Plus four months, or maybe five.
I'm very proud of that.
Just keep moving. When we were making On the Waterfront...
Oh, On the Waterfront. By the way, you should do that next week's show, because we have On the Mug Club front coming up.
Oh. Hope your lover's been survived.
With Lauren's LaCroix on ice.
Your outfits are awesome, and I live in Michigan, and Detroit is trash, said Laris Tyro.
Okay? Here's your statement.
Everyone's saying how excited they are to not watch the Oscars could instead be watching the Crowder anti-Oscar stream.
Is there... Okay, hold on a second.
This is... This is hard for me to read after just...
Like, that was too fast for the dragons milk.
I'm not even going to lie. So that's what tonight's show is really about.
Someone really likes your Asian bit.
Okay, let's see. What is she talking about?
Does she have shoulder pads on?
Or she just has the Larry King shoulders?
She's just boney, man.
She's just boney. And 35-time nominee, Edith Head.
Remember when Larry King used to sit at that table?
Those shoulders, how they used to protrude like an owl?
It's very unnerving.
She was such a wonderful lady.
And one time, I was making a film with her, and the producers were there.
We had a very serious meeting, and they left, and then she said, Come on, Eva Marie.
Come into my office. We're going to do this ourselves.
Well, I like that idea.
Does she get a jet ski for a short speech, or no?
I don't know. I think it was just Helen Mirren.
By the way, Helen Mirren...
Oh, I understand.
Here are the nominees in costume design.
Oh, costume design. I thought it was the best actress.
Beauty and the Beast. We should probably...
Bottom five and top five.
Do both of our bottoms or both of our tops?
I don't know. Yeah, you know what?
Okay. So we're going to do, right now, and we'll tweak this out, our bottom five films of the year.
Jared, Sven, do we have the overlays ready?
Okay. You know what? Let's have Jared go first.
We're going to do our bottom, our worst five films of the year.
Jared, let's start with you.
What were your worst five films of the year, starting?
Great timing. All right, you can bring it up, Sven.
Yeah, go slow. All right.
All right, you can turn her down, Edward, because she doesn't matter right now.
She doesn't matter. Okay. Jared's bottom five.
Bottom five. Beauty and the Beast.
Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, that's right there.
Bottom five. Beauty and the Beast, absolutely.
And it wasn't that it was that bad.
Did you see Beauty and the Beast, Bill? I did.
It was, if you're going to take something so beloved...
Yeah, don't make it less.
Don't make it less. That's what they've done consistently, I think, with that, and even though, like, Jon Favreau, The Jungle Book, had, like, some key scenes that were missing from the live-action remake that just made the movie what it was, the original cartoon.
Okay. All right. So, same thing I did with Beauty and the Beast.
Okay, next film. Number four.
Detroit. For reasons that are self-explanatory.
For reasons that are self-explanatory.
Preach. And we're touching this one.
Blade Runner 2049.
I wanted to just...
I feel that way about the original Blade Runner.
I never liked the original Blade Runner.
My eyes out of my body. Tweet me at Skrider.
Tweet at Nakejared. And you don't have a Twitter, I guess, do you?
No. He's too busy doing...
He's too busy taking it to YouTube with the legal fight.
I feel that about the original Blade Runner.
I've never been able to make it through all the way.
I fall asleep. Exactly.
Okay, and your number...
No, there's two more. Daddy's Home 2.
Number two. That's just a bad film.
Yeah, you know. I don't know what to say about that.
It's one for better. I watched that at the drive-in.
The night my wife and I had a fight.
And I would have rather been at the fight.
Sweetheart, I love you. That was the night you were with Brittany.
And we had an argument.
I was like, you know what? Okay, I'm going to go cool down.
And I drove to the drive-in movie.
And I drove up. I was like, all right, I'll watch Daddy's 2.
And I was like, I would rather be back home right now.
I don't know how to go back.
They just do basic things of storytelling and plot.
And the pacing was weird. Everything about it was awful.
Oh, number one. Your worst film of the year from Nakej.
Yeah, here you go. Justice League.
Justice League. Well, that makes sense because you're a Marvel fanboy.
So you put DC in there. No, I'm a huge Batman.
That's number one. Yeah, it was pretty bad.
It really is sad what they did with Batman.
They just ruined it. Snyder sucks, and I'm glad.
Because I felt like The Watchmen was amongst the worst films I've ever seen.
The worst films, when I think, that come right to mind are John Leguizamo's The Pest and The Watchmen.
And then Hudson Hawk with Bruce Willis is up there.
Did you ever see The Watchmen? Yeah, The Watchmen I saw, yeah.
Did you like it? No. I really, really hated it.
No, I had to go back and watch my mouth.
I thought by actually going and reading the comics again just to get it cleared.
Were the comics good? Yeah.
The comics were better. The film was just incredibly nihilistic and just bleak.
It was not good. I mean, The Watchmen, the comics is bleak, but it's bleak in a way that's good.
Okay. All right. So that's Jared's bottom five.
And I'm going to give you my bottom five. Then we're going to give you a top five afterwards.
So my bottom five.
Number five. Atomic Blonde.
I watched this on an airplane.
And I wanted my money back.
It was that bad.
Because I remember I watched a special on it beforehand going like the stunt coordinator.
Because there was actually a push right now for stunt coordinators.
I think they call them action designers to be nominated.
That is actually, there's a valid argument to be made.
They're not nominated for anything. Not stunt men.
Not stunt coordinators.
Really? When you think of how many categories there are, that doesn't make a whole bunch of sense.
So I remember watching a special on Atomic Blonde thinking, oh, this is going to be incredible.
And it was possibly the worst fight sequence I've ever seen in my life.
We're doing this all wrong, by the way.
We are? This goes back.
Oh, you're talking about the seat going back? Yeah.
Okay. My number four worst film of the year.
Surprise, no one else. Snatched.
Ugh. For reasons that are, I don't think I even need to explain this one.
Please, please don't. Please don't even go into it.
Sometimes you can't go by the critics.
But when it's the critics and the fans across the board say this is terrible, and it's from their darling, you know, they're looking for any reason to give Amy Schumer the award.
Sometimes you have to split the difference between the Rotten Tomatoes, like critics and users.
Yes, absolutely. This one, just take the both of the awards.
This one you go. But they're united.
They're united in their beliefs.
It was bringing people together in hatred.
It's like heroin. White rednecks do meth.
Yes. And then black urbanites do crack.
But they all do heroin.
It bridges the racial divide.
It does. It does. Bringing people together.
Yeah, heroin has been bringing people together since it was developed as a non-addictive synthetic alternative to morphine.
Number three, Detroit, which Jared, you know, had on there.
And that's because it wasn't called, I forgot the name of the hotel, so-and-so motel.
It was called Detroit. So you expect it to be all-encompassing to include everything from the Detroit riots.
My grandfather ran reconnaissance.
Well, he had Papa Crowder on here.
Papa Crowder on here to talk about Detroit.
He saw it with us. He was like, no, it was horribly just inaccurate.
Yeah. It was a Black Lives Matter film.
And it just wasn't a good film. It wasn't entertaining at all.
Okay, this one, let me explain this one.
Because right after Detroit, people are going to have some all eyes on me.
Now, here's why. This is HBO. And they're doing like a Marvel Universe with the hip-hop films.
They did it with Notorious, with B.I.G. And he actually played Biggie in this film.
But all eyes on me.
It was Tupac. And the reason I hate this, first off, they skim over 10 of his felonies.
They skim over it.
And they just so happen. They excuse everything.
He just so happened to be at the...
He just so happened to shoot a cop who was off-duty.
He just so happened to be in the room while a girl was getting in.
Wrong place at the wrong time. He just so happened. I'm like, Tupac did some good...
But let's not act as though he was anything other than he was a scumbag.
And it also was a bad film.
And then, you know, number one, and the reason why was because...
Again, I got into a slight argument with my wife.
I really wanted to see this, Battle of the Sexes, with Steve Carell and Emma Stone.
Because it was a story that I really wanted to watch.
They didn't tell the story at all.
It was a battle of... I forgot the name of the...
Obviously, Billie Jean King.
I forgot the name of the guy who Steve Carell played.
But I wanted to watch this because I thought, okay, this is a time where they can actually...
Even if they do have a feminist bent, they can kind of show the intricacies of a man playing a woman against...
You know, in a tennis match.
And the fact that he likely threw the match because he was a gambling addict and he bet against himself.
They cover his gambling... But about...
I would think 95% of it is just lesbian.
Lesbian sex scenes with... Is it Emily...
Did I say Emma Stone? Is it Emma Stone or Emily Blunt?
I was confused. It's Emma Stone. Emma Stone.
90% of it is just lesbian sex scenes with Emma Stone and whoever.
And by the way, here's what bothers me so much about Battle of the Sexes.
She's cheating on her husband who seems like a good guy.
By all measures, seems like a good guy.
And we're supposed to be like, oh my gosh, she's so like...
She just wants to be who she is. I'm like, you're cheating on your husband who's out there.
He's taping... He's taping ice to her knees at one point to help her.
And she's like, I hate this guy.
He's a sweetheart.
Okay, let's see what this is. Real quick, back to Jimmy Kimmel.
They're saying Black Panther has been so successful at the box office, they're already saying it's the favorite to not get nominated for anything next year.
It's weird that so many superheroes are white just because that's what they were in the comics, right?
Because it was so popular it won't get nominated.
Oh, I thought it was... Never mind.
He's always been white.
You know what else Superman has always been?
Not real. Like the wage gap, you fat son of a bitch.
But tonight's nominated documentary show us that where there is darkness...
Except at the White House.
Hope quit on Wednesday. Here to present the award for best documentary feature, Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern.
You know what's surprising about this?
This category, watch, in five years' time, it will be entirely dominated by Netflix.
And within ten years' time, it will be entirely dominated by not only Netflix, but YouTube or NewTube, whatever the new YouTube is at that point.
Right. Because documentaries can be made by anyone with an iPhone camera and the ability to do decent sound.
That has changed so dramatically.
Good evening. And congratulations, buddy.
By the way... Thank you. This is what Jordan Peterson talks about.
Think about this. It's hashtag me too.
No woman should be objectified.
By the way, have you seen the ass on my chest?
Now, I'm not saying that these women at all deserve to be sexually harassed.
I'm not at all saying they deserve to be Weinstein'd.
But it's like Jordan Peterson was talking about.
You cannot tell me that this is not designed to send out sexual signals in the workplace.
Right. It's human biology.
No one's saying anyone deserves it.
But what you can't say...
Now, hashtag me too. If you're talking about rape, if you're talking about sexual harassment, absolutely horrible.
Wine scene. Put them beneath the railroad tracks and lock away the key.
But whenever someone else is accused because they say, he told me nice tits, did you show him your tits?
He thought he was being polite.
He thought he was being cordial.
If you were to walk out in a thong, in a dressing trailer, which, by the way, has happened.
I've been on set. Someone would be like, hey!
I'd know that ass anywhere.
You can't then accuse him of sexual harassment if you walk out in a thong.
The entire... All of the Academy Awards.
Think about it. All the Botox.
All the work. All the lipstick. All the rouge.
All the cleavage. This is designed through...
If you look at... Jordan Peterson talked about this.
He got so much flack and vice for it.
This is... It's exploiting evolutionary biology.
That's what it is. It's designed to invoke a sexually attracted...
You're selling sex, but don't call it sex.
Exactly. I understand it.
And by the way, there was a time where it was okay.
Just so you know, there was a time where it was okay for women to be sexy at the Oscars and people say, oh, wow, that's sexy.
Oh, wow, you know, oh, wow, look, look at Monica Bellucci.
And it wasn't considered offensive. I don't think you should be a pig, by the way.
The people like us who talked about not having...
Maybe waiting until you're married or maybe waiting instead of being promiscuous when all the feminists talked about us being sexist and then talked about us being horrible.
And the Oscar goes to...
Now it's called sexist as well.
We're also the ones saying, hey, it's okay for someone to say, hey, sexy.
That looks good. You look good.
Hey, sweet cheeks. Hey, sweet heart.
Whatever your word of choice is, I'll allow it.
But they won't. Can't have a conversation.
What are you supposed to... Think about this.
This is one thing we... To put it in context, look at any leading actress tonight, okay?
Any leading actress tonight, A-list or, you know, attract, and look at their cleavage.
And tell me how every single person would react at your workplace.
If someone came in dressed that way. They're going into work this way.
Sexual... There is no rape culture.
There's no sexual harassment culture.
It's only here.
And this is a portion of as to why.
All right, listen. How many of them went to their dress designer and said, please make me look unsexy?
Yes. How many of them were said, I want to look sexy tonight?
Please make sure everyone says, I look sexy tonight.
I want to be dressed in something that I can tear off in mourning and flog myself.
None of them. All right, this is an entirely uninteresting category.
What else do we have queued up? What's the next one?
Is it Raging Bull? Garrett, can we bring that up?
Yes. Okay, next up, we're actually...
One of my favorite films, of course.
We have a clip from, and what we did with Mug Club, Raging Bull here.
And then after that, I believe we have...
Is it... After that, we're going to have Owen Benj...
Oh, well, we're running a little late, so we have some games to play.
After that, we're going to have Owen Benjamin, so stay tuned.
Here's a clip from Raging Bull. I have to use the potty.
Potty. Ugh, time. Oh, and this is just brutal.
He's using every illegal tactic in the book.
Fogus copyright claims, bogging down the channel.
Fair use be damned.
I tell you, it's a tragedy if the lawyers allow this to go on any longer.
Oh, no. It appears to be Mr.
YouTube himself. Cenk Uygur of the Young Turks, well known to work directly with YouTube, is looking to take his turn.
And now YouTube is trapping Crowder with big body shots.
How he's still up is anyone's guess.
No channel's going to do this kind of punishment.
Oh Oh
Hey Hey. Hey, YouTube.
You never got me down.
You never got me down, YouTube.
You never got me down.
You never got me down, YouTube.
Hey, hey. Hey, much, much.
You never got me down.
You never got me down.
You never got me down. I mean, I know I've got to accept your answer, but I'm telling you right now.
If these people keep flagging us, I'm going to sue somebody.
But go ahead and sue everybody. You're the top guy.
Go sue people. But I don't understand.
What do you mean, sue you?
Me? Sue me. Stop here.
Do me a f***ing favor.
You're driving me f***ing crazy.
If you got a lawyer or something, you're a big shot.
Just sue. Sue me.
But what do you mean by you, though?
So? What's that mean?
No, Sven, computer, you don't even know what you meant.
You mentioned YouTube, Bob Ross, and you.
You included yourself with them.
You could have mentioned anybody, but you put yourself in with them.
You really let these lawsuits run your lap?
They did a real job on you.
You know how f***ing nuts you are?
Look what I did to you. You flagged my video.
What? You flagged my video.
How could you ask me a question like that?
I'm your researcher. Are you asking me that?
Where do you get the bullets big enough to ask me that?
Just tell me. I'm not answering that.
I'm not going to answer that. Stupid.
You know, you're very smart, Sven, computer.
You're giving me all these answers, but you're not giving me the right answer.
I'm going to ask you again. Did you or did you not?
I'm not answering that. It's a sick...
...calls...
...and it's not always with you.
You're a sick bastard. Look at you.
I really feel sorry for you. You know what you should do?
You should try a little more writing and a little less eating.
Maybe then you'll get less insults in the comment section.
You sick f***. Maybe then you'll stop taking it out of me and everyone else.
You understand, you f***ing wacko?
You're cracking up.
F***ing screwball, you!
Where were you?
At your house Where'd you go after?
Studio Yeah, what'd you do over there?
I didn't change my mind video You're cracking up. What about the hard strike, huh?
Dude, what about it? How...
How come you didn't tell me about the hard strike, huh?
Doesn't know about it.
How come you didn't tell me about the hard strike?
Tell me, you dead thing!
You flogged my video? Huh?
No! Huh? Open the door!
Go away! Fine, open the door.
I want to talk to you. No, get away from me.
You're sick. Huh?
You flogged my video? Why are you doing it?
Why are you flogging that video?
What do you want me to stand for?
I flogged all of them!
What do you mean you flogged all of them?
What did you flogged? You, Shapiro, Clayton, North Southern, Dennis Prager?
You flogged Dennis Prager?
Yeah. Yeah, I flogged Dennis Prager.
Everyone else has never been on your channel, but we're gonna do like nothing but a selfish, fat pig, selfish, duped!
No! No! No!
Let me shoot you for Mother Mox, too!
If I see you, put your hands in the plate one more time.
I'm gonna stab you with this knife.
You hear me? I told you already.
Keep your hands off the plate! Oh, fuck!
Huh? Huh?
Huh? You flogged my video, huh?
You flogged my video, huh?
What the fuck are you flogged my video, huh?
Get out of here! Get out!
Get out! All right, we are back. Hold on. Are we back?
I see this. There we go.
Garrett, did we teach, uh...
No, we didn't teach him that. He looks like he's straight...
Sound Guy Edward and Garrett, the intern, look like they are straight out of Alice Cooper Welcome to My Nightmare Era, with their white tuxedos.
I figured our next guest would appreciate that because he's a musician and I hope he's more sober than we are.
Love him. Thank God we did not bring...
He doesn't even have a bear stein going on.
Thank God this will actually contain like 16 ounces, but it's pushing it.
Is it 16? Yeah, it is.
It's all 15 anyway.
But the point is, Oscars suck is the promo code right now.
You get $10 off of Mug Club. Our next guest is at Owen Benjamin.
Owen, how are you, sir? It's great to see you, boys.
You guys look awesome.
Thank you very much. Owen, have you been watching the Oscars?
I have. That's why I'm drinking beers.
I don't know if you saw the rules to our drinking game, but we've pretty much abandoned them because every single time Jimmy Kimmel comes out, we have to take, you know, five drinks.
It is unbelievable.
Everything is... I didn't even know about the...
Did you know about the Time's Up pins?
Have you seen those? No, but I did see people in the audience that used to brag about doing cocaine, off women, clap during one of those moments.
Yeah. By the way, little known fact, it's a common misconception that they did coke off of women's breasts.
It actually doesn't function that way.
You have to use hip bones. It needs to be a stable surface.
An actor once told me that, who shall remain nameless.
Oh, it's so funny.
Like, the people being like, oh, we're so brave, we're so brave.
I'm like, how do you function like that?
Like, I know what you brag about.
Right. I know.
It is one thing we're talking about.
Like, we'll get...
This will be up on Media Matters or something tomorrow.
We were talking about all their... This hat is enough.
It's hurting my head. We were talking about the butts on the chest.
You know, Viola Davis came out and it looked like she had two Maduro cigars just sort of angling at each other in a humidor.
Everything is hyper-sexualized.
And I say, don't sexualize us.
Now, we've talked about this, how we would probably murder someone who actually sexually harassed our wives.
We went after Weinstein as hard as anybody, as well as Bill O'Reilly and Eric Bolling and Roy Moore.
But this is a hyper-sexualized culture.
That's one thing that I'm noticing tonight.
Everything about it is hyper-sexualized.
This is the only rape culture.
Oh, yeah. And then all...
Well, that and... There's one more rape culture that will remain nameless.
Wait. What do you mean rape?
Oh. Oh, yes.
Yeah. I don't... Wait, hold on.
I don't know. I've had two dragons milk.
It's the culture of peace.
Oh. No, but anyway, like...
They're doing the same thing as far as rape as they do with guns.
They're saying if we get rid of this one thing, we get rid of the fact that we're all doing some stuff.
They're putting, like, all the blame on an object so they've never addressed that evil exists in the world and they're all, like, part of it.
Wait. Are you saying, like, rape is some sort of, like, a lockbox?
No. Like, literally by their logic, they're like, if we cut off Harvey Weinstein's wiener, we just solved all of rape.
And then everyone has to...
get rid of their wiener. Right.
Well, if they cut it off, all they need to do is have Matt Damon flex for a couple of seconds.
No, it's, like, the hypocrisy's to the point where it's the best comedy on television right now, man.
Yeah, but no one's watching it.
So no one's eating the best comedy on television.
Yeah, but, like, I love it.
Like, at first I was like, I'm not gonna watch it.
I'm not gonna spoil it. I'm like, this is the best comedy I can possibly watch.
Like, you're watching people with a straight face with a diamond necklace talking about how they need a...
more gender equality or whatever.
Like, Judd, whatever that lady's name is, she has diamonds on her neck and she's like, I'm here to talk about women need...
Hold on a second. Weren't you in Blood Diamond?
It's just... It's, like, to the point where it's...
I love it. It is...
It has gotten to the point that's why...
Oh, did we just lose... Okay. Oh, well, hold on a second.
Their new show, Michael Clark Duncan.
I did love that dude. That dude just seemed like an awesome dude.
Everything I know about him. Juice to the tits, of course.
Um... And then something. Oh, my gosh.
There's some good dudes out there, man. I like Sam Rockwell.
I like William Dafoe.
Yes. But it's just the whole vibe is awful.
You know, it's like... Sam Rockwell, aside from his pin, gave a pretty good speech.
What you kind of would hope an Oscar speech to be.
I loved it. All you gotta do at this point is just not be insane and I'll have so much respect for you.
Right. Did you see, by the way, three billboards over Ebbing, Missouri?
I did. The bar's high for him.
Oh, the bar's... Did you like it?
I liked it. I liked it a lot.
I thought his character was really great because it was really complicated.
Yeah, I thought so, too. And I thought when it first started off, I thought, oh, no, this is going to be a Black Lives Matter rape culture film.
And it turned out to be really more of...
It focused more on the tale of human redemption.
And, uh... Exactly. And I loved it.
Because there wasn't, like, the bad guy, the good guy.
Like, it was about people trying to do the best they could and you could actually really relate to a lot of the characters.
Plus, there's a midget in there.
Yeah. Peter Dinklage. No, they prefer...
No, no. They prefer to be called People McNuggets.
I've also heard Little Troopers is among their preferred terms.
That's true. Lil.
Lil in a hip-hop favorite.
Lil Troopers. Remember that when every rap artist was called Lil something?
That was a big trend for a while.
It was like, Lil. It was Lil...
Yeah, but that... But then they'd have kids and that'd be like, Lil Lil...
Or, like, Littlest Wayne.
Yes. It's like, you know, I want my kid to be more grammatically correct.
I want him to stand on the shoulders of my Lil, Little, so I can...
I think that's my contribution.
That was Lil Bow Wow.
Lil Romeo. Who else?
There were a lot of them. There were so many Lil guys.
Lil Kim. They'd be like... Like, everyone's standing on the shoulders of People McNuggets.
What was your favorite film of the year, Owen?
I didn't... I didn't watch Brain Magnus this year, man, because it's just like...
It's getting too infuriating, some of these movies, man.
It is tough. Three billboards around Missouri.
We're going to do our top five later.
That is among my top five.
Like, it's one of those... Oh, yeah. That's tough to be up there.
I, Tonya is...
Like I said, it's probably the best movie of the year.
You know what? I know you've worked with Bateman.
I just saw Game Night last night.
Very good. Very good.
Some of the best writing in a comedy that I've seen in a long time.
That guy's hilarious. Yeah.
I'll definitely watch more movies.
I really like Dunkirk.
I think we talked about that. Did you watch Dunkirk?
No, I didn't. You didn't, right?
Knock A. Jared liked it. I didn't like it.
What song? Dunkirk. I just like that...
I like that angle of war that I never thought about.
Like, just people trying to get off a beach.
It was just very impersonal, and I felt like it was Nolan just really looking for kind of gimmicky shots.
It's an important story, and I wish it would have been given the care that a story of that importance, you know, warranted.
That's how I felt about it. I didn't hate it, but I just felt like I didn't really learn a whole lot about Dunkirk, and I didn't feel like I developed a whole lot of appreciation for it, which I could have, unlike Saving Private Ryan.
A lot of people don't realize this. Most people did not fully understand the invasion of the beaches before Saving Private Ryan.
A film can have that big of an impact in a positive way.
I don't feel like Dunkirk pulled that off.
I want to see a movie about the Eastern Front.
Yeah? That would be interesting.
The brutality of that, I think, would almost, like, not even be cinematic how brutal it was.
Yeah, I mean, you're talking about, like, more specifically, like, the Japanese with the Chinese?
No, like Stalingrad.
Oh, Stalingrad. Just unbelievable.
Like, just the human loss.
Like, there's still bone fields in Russia, where it's just, as far as the eye can see, it's just bones.
Yeah. I guess I was thinking of, you know, the Japanese and what they did, you know, waterboarding.
When we say they actually used to force-feed people water and then pound on their stomach until their organs imploded.
We put a washcloth over someone so they think they're drowning.
But they both used the word waterboarding.
Hold on a second, Owen. Let's bring this up.
It's Jimmy Kimmel. Let's see what the next category is.
This is the 90th Academy Awards.
You know, the very first Oscar ceremony was held right across the street at the Roosevelt Hotel back in 1929.
At that Oscars, they gave out two awards for Best Picture.
It's kind of what we did last year.
And I thought it might be fun to read the first joke ever told at the Oscars 90 years ago.
And thanks to the Academy Archive, which has all of the stuff, I have it.
And Douglas Fairbanks Sr.
was the host of the show.
And this was his opening joke.
Christopher Plummer is tonight's youngest nominee.
I was hoping to actually hear what the original joke was.
It still holds up. Here to present the Oscars for sound editing and mixing, please welcome Ansel Elgort and Aza Gonzalez.
All right, okay, listen, we can turn this down.
We can keep talking and then we'll see what the speech is like.
How do you think those early Academy members would have felt about all the trannies and the intergender awards?
Well, that's what we're talking about.
The actress from On the Waterfront, how she was like, my husband of 65 years, died last year.
He hears us.
Like, that doesn't fit the culture at all anymore.
Wait! This is the asshole from the Parkland shooting.
What is it? Am I wrong?
This is the kid from Parkland, Florida.
He's been making all the rounds with David Hogg.
He's been pushing for, banning the Second Amendment.
You are the nominees for Achievement.
Oh, never mind. It's Baby Driver.
Who's the kid I'm thinking of? You know the kid I'm thinking of?
Hogg. No, not Hogg.
The other kid who's with him was on Bill Maher.
Someone can bring this up for me.
Sven, bring it up. The other kid who was with him on Bill Maher with David Hogg.
He's following him around like his lackey.
That's insane, dude. Did you see my video about it's time to listen to the children?
No. You'll laugh. I'm watching the Oscars, Owen.
This is the most important event of the year.
You couldn't put on a tie?
Children. This is, by the way, this is one industry where we talk about that just eats its children alive.
It eats its children alive and then it's women and then they want to hold themselves out as though they're at the forefront of gentlemen.
Well, whatever they're over the top trying to protect is what they're destroying and eating.
Right. That's a good point.
What they do to black people is insane.
It's like, what they do to Black Panther where they're like, it has that perfect critical acclaim.
Well, you know what's funny is George Clooney went up and he was like, we had, we nominated a black actress as well in the country.
Their names were only being uttered.
I'm like, you didn't tell them that you made them sit in the balcony in the back.
Like, the Academy was incredibly racist.
Actually, more so at certain periods in time than the rest of the United States.
Hold on, let me see if the sound guy goes political here.
Well, they still are.
Like, it was just a sneaky way, though.
Awesome crew in Burbank. Let's see.
Please don't. Dunkirk, please don't disappoint us.
All my friends and colleagues at Warner Brothers, Chris and Emma, whoever, you are.
This is good. Thank you for including me in this amazing trip.
It was an amazing film about an amazing event.
Thank you. And all my love to my wife, Sue, and my son, Sam.
And thank them for, thank you for putting up with me prattling on about Stuka sirens for months.
All right, the sound guys can see just how it's done.
I'd like to thank the Academy for me in this nomination.
It's historic and I think music editors and I are very grateful and that's it.
I guess I'm done. Funny, it's funny.
Out of touch, Hollywood is with the working class.
Just look at the people who are sort of the working class in their industry and compare their speeches.
Oh, totally. Yeah, because they have to be good at something in order to have their job.
They're both winning Academy Awards.
One is a totally affected prick and one's just a normal guy.
Like, hey, this is really cool.
Thanks for the award. I love my wife.
Yeah. And then, like, it's all these subjective categories like best actor.
That doesn't even mean anything and they're just up there preaching whatever liberal talking point someone holds a gun to their head about.
Well, that's actually a good point. Hey, Sven Computer, can we bring up the overlays on the Academy on the awards?
A lot of people don't realize and Sven, you can educate us here.
Hit your button.
The history of Academy Awards and it really is, you know this, having lived in Hollywood, it's about how much ad space you buy out.
It really has nothing to do with the best film.
That's why a lot of times people are going, well, how does this win best picture or how was this person not nominated?
Sven, what do you got for us? Well, I don't know if you want to, if you want to educate us with the research doc, pull that up.
I can also send it to you and then you can go with it.
Sven, in other words, I've been busy looking for your guide.
Well, okay, obviously they're voted on by the Academy.
A lot of people realize there are two rounds of voting.
The first for nominations, the second for winners.
But a good example, actually, Susan Sarandon herself filed for campaign finance reform for the Oscars in 2016.
She said it's impossible to win an Oscar unless it's bought.
Here's some interesting tidbits.
As of 2005, smaller studios spend about $3 million on campaigns, while larger studios spend up to $10 million.
And the spending has soared this year.
And it's funny because spending has soared as numbers with the Oscars have gone down.
It's almost an award Ponzi scheme.
It is. It's Social Security with a statue with no wiener.
Yes. Well, hold on a second.
We don't have wieners, but we have a little more gendered awards here today, which we're pretty proud of.
Are we going to be giving these out for anything?
I guess not. I guess hopefully for Jared making it through the evening while being schnockered.
Advertising. What do you guess the average advertising is before a nomination, Owen, in local papers to get the nomination?
What do you think the cost is? $100,000.
It's a million. I have no idea.
I don't even know. I don't know.
It's a million. And it's $800,000 after to go for the award.
TV commercials promo an average of $1.5 million.
Gosh, DVDs, digital screeners around $300,000, another $500,000 for Golden Globes campaigns.
It really is about how much money you spend.
And obviously it's limited. Like, they're not going to, you know, give the award to Thor 2.
But a lot of people don't realize this.
I remember when I was a kid, you know, I started out as an actor.
My dream was to, I was like, I'm going to win an Oscar.
And then when I looked behind the curtain, I was like, oh, that can't happen unless I hate myself.
Oh, dude, it's crazy, man.
It's crazy. Like, I'll be hosting awards with all these people in it.
I've done that three years in a row for art director awards.
And it's like, it's not real at all.
Hold on a second. We have two overlays here for Cameron Caskey is a kid I'm thinking of.
Come on. That looks like Baby Driver there.
Don't you see? That's how I mixed it up.
Come on. That's who I thought it was.
I was sitting there. I was like, okay, no, but Baby Driver was a good film.
All right, Owen, where's the best place people will find you?
We have to get going here and continue with our talk.
YouTube slash Owen Benjamin Comedy.
And, of course, he appears on The Ladder with Crowder quite a bit and helps write for the program and want to be at some of the live shows.
We must go, Owen.
You're a bigger man than us.
You can drink more. Bye, guys.
Bye. See ya. I hate this chair.
It's like the way this thing brings up.
It's just very unflattering.
It's almost like it's overall good looking.
Do we have the intro for the, the game?
I don't think we have the intro. Oh, we can't.
Well, we can't play the game without the intro.
All right, listen. That was Owen Benjamin.
Then we have a coming up. You know what?
Here, let's do this. Let's go through our top five films right now.
So our top five films.
We each have top five films for the year.
And this might surprise me. I'd love you to send me your top five films.
And we're going to read out some new mug club members.
By the way, promo code OscarsSUCK means you get $10 off a mug club if you're not a student or veteran or military, in which case you get more off.
But a lot of people are like, can I get something off?
Well, you do if you're watching the Oscar stream tonight.
OscarsSUCK. And really, it's the only way we can continue doing this, honestly, because YouTube, they're not allowing us to make any revenue.
All right, Jared's top five films for the year.
Let's go. All right, and this is no particular order, but I'll throw them out here in this.
Number one, I, Tonya.
I thought was just excellent.
I, Tonya. Super entertaining, well-acted, well-written.
Yep. Definitely some Oscar-worthy nominees.
Only went to see it because I told you you had to.
That's true. Number two, Logan.
Logan was...
Good choice. Kick-ass movie.
I would... I thought it was...
Yeah. Probably one of the better, best of the...
Since the Dark Knight, maybe.
One of the better of the superhero genre.
Oh, wait, hold on a second. I just realized the order is reversed.
Hey, Sven, reverse my order if we're going in this order here.
Okay, so you have Logan as number four.
Okay. Number three?
Guardians of the Galaxy, number two.
Do not agree with that. I see.
Here's my thing. Usually sequels suck.
I thought this one, if you go through the characters, each and every character, there is a clear story arc that builds on the first movie, that expounds on their characters.
You get to know them more, better.
Yeah, they do that really effectively with a CGI tree and a raccoon with a New York accent.
You get no imagination. I don't need an imagination because they show it to me.
That's the whole point. Baby Driver.
I thought Baby Driver was... Was that kid from Parkland?
The Parkland shooter. No, not the shooter.
The kid who's going out there. Good lord.
I know. Tomorrow it's going to be a disaster.
That was a good move, though. It was super entertaining.
Okay. Last one.
Disaster Artist. Really?
I like that. I wouldn't have put it at the top.
And, you know, it gets a little of my sympathy, too, because I think he deserved an Oscar nomination, at least, for the role.
James Franco? I think he was clearly snubbed because of all the accusations.
I think that's kind of...
I don't know. James Franco had accusations?
Yeah, yeah, lots of accusations. But he's gay.
James Franco? Yeah, James Franco.
Or Dave Franco's gay. James Franco's bisexual.
Anyways, accusations can come from any which way now.
Any which way but loose.
Loose? That's a good film. Not really.
That was one where Clint Eastwood was bar fighting with the orangutan.
I met Clint Eastwood once.
I told you that. And I was like, I love you in every which way but loose.
It's the only thing I could think of to say.
Because what do you pick from the catalog?
You love with an insult?
Exactly. It sounds so like you...
All right. My film... We're going in the other order.
Actually, funny. My number five was Logan.
We have this... Yeah. Logan. I actually really liked Logan.
I'm not a big... I'm kind of done with superhero films for a while now.
After Thor and after all the DC stuff, Spider-Man was just really disappointing.
I just... I have no interest in them anymore.
Well, if I have to go see them, I won't.
I thought Logan was good as a film, period.
Not just a superhero film. I thought it was a good film.
I really liked Logan. Number four, three billboards over Ebbing, Missouri.
Really liked this film.
Good overall message if you look at it.
I think it was kind of a social justice awards thing.
Awards. Other things.
Mixing up my words. Oh, hold on.
What are they bringing up? I saw Donald Sutherland once.
He had a place in Lake Massawipi right across from us.
Yeah. Or was it Lake Magog?
I don't know. They all came up to Montreal and had a place there.
All right. And Kim Davidson of SideFX.
Number three. And this is what we agreed was this year's biggest surprise.
Brawl on Cell Block 99.
Now, this is an incredibly violent film.
If you've seen Vone Tomahawk, think the ending scene times the whole movie.
But it is an unbelievably...
It's probably the most pro-life film I would use the celluloid, but now it's all digital.
Mom said you're only presenting. Hold on a second. It's a Hamilton guy.
Oh, that's very sad.
Hi, what's your name? Hold on a second.
Stephen. What do you do?
I'm married to Kate Capture.
Oh, how nice.
Oh, yes. Her, I know.
You got any pot? Do you have any pot?
Sorry, I didn't realize we were on.
All right. This is like a really bad comedian working the crowd.
Lupita Nyong'o and Kumail Nanjiani.
For what? What are they bringing?
Hold on one second here.
Oh, God. Hold on.
I'm going to pause on Cell Block 99 because I really want to get to that point there.
Good evening. Why is this guy here?
We are the two actors you keep hearing about, but whose names you have trouble pronouncing?
Actually, I have to come clean.
Kumail Nanjiani is my stage name.
Silicon Valley. My actual given Pakistani name is Chris Pine.
It's funny. So you can imagine how annoyed I was when the other, when the white Chris Pine showed up.
The real Chris Pine.
He's a super, super.
We are also immigrants. I'm from Kenya.
Because Owen and him have personally gotten into it.
Like back and forth.
Like Costanza.
No. Kumail Nanjiani.
Not going to work here anymore. Yeah, that guy.
And I am from Pakistan and Iowa.
Two places. One place.
A lot of corn. Two places that nobody in Hawaii can find on a map.
Wait, what did he say? Who came to find an American?
And like everyone in this room and everyone watching at home, we are dreamers.
We grew up dreaming of one day working in the movies.
Immigration, drink. Dreams are the foundation of Hollywood.
And dreams are the foundation of America.
Get off your phone and drink. The big stick.
That's why the guy has a phone. Okay. You can have our fact checkers do that.
Sven's job is to look it up.
To all the dreamers out there, we stand with you.
Ah. All right.
Drink. Everybody drink. Make sure Jared's not cheating.
Now, the nominees for achievement.
Isn't she Spanish? She's not Mexican.
She's skipping a line.
Production design by Sarah Greenwood and set decoration by Katie Spencer.
By the way, while we're talking about representation and it's time, how about the black actors in powdered faces and powdered wigs in 1740s France playing royalty?
It was time in 1740s.
All right. So, brawl on cell block 99.
Bring up that overlay one more time, Sven.
This is probably the most radically pro-life message in any film.
Just so you know, spoiler alert for people who haven't seen it.
It starts off with Vince Vaughn losing his job, drug deal gone bad.
He kills the drug dealers to save the cops.
And basically, these bad guys are going to force an abortion on his wife in the film unless he makes it to cell block 99 to kill somebody who these drug dealers want him to take out.
So, here's the crazy thing.
Vince Vaughn and his wife only ever refer to their unborn baby as a baby.
By the way, there's a marriage redeemed in there.
I won't necessarily ruin that for you.
There's justice. Everyone actually has to pay for their actions, even Vince Vaughn, even though it's righteous violence.
The only person who refers to it as a fetus in the entire film is the abortionist.
And he is the villain and he takes pleasure in wanting to provide this abortion and is a sadist.
It is something, I mean, I think this person who wrote this film has written something like 50 fiction, pieces of fiction.
You couldn't, and Vince Vaughn is very, very pro-life.
That's why he was the best dollar-per-dollar investment in all of Hollywood and now he can't get a good review.
So, I don't think he would take part in anything that was anything, in any kind of a film that would be pro-abortion.
This film, Brawl and Cell Block 99, is either the most inadvertently pro-life film I've ever seen, despite it being, you know, it puts Tarantino to shame.
He would blush at the violence in this film.
I highly recommend it, just if you want to see someone take violent, perverse Hollywood and kind of subvert it for moral good.
Why do you think it was overlooked for, like, any kind of nomination stuff?
Vince Vaughn. I feel like it slipped under the radar.
Hold on a second, let's hear this guy. Okay, you can turn him down.
He's wearing a crushed velvet jacket.
That's how you know he's inconsequential. So, you know, I think it was just overlooked because of Vince Vaughn.
I don't think Vince Vaughn's going to be nominated for anything, even though everyone acknowledged this was a fantastic performance.
My number two film, Hostiles.
Loved it. Thought it was great.
Very bleak. Spoiler alert kind of ish.
It's not as bleak as you think.
You liked that, too. That was great.
It was really, really good. Solid film. Solid acting.
Solid film. My number one film of the year was I, Tonya.
Really liked I, Tonya.
Thought it was fantastic. I cannot recommend it enough.
It's a strong, strong R, Alison Jennings.
The last time I saw a comedic performance that immediately worthy of the Academy Award would have been Cuba Gooding Jr.
and Jerry Maguire. Yeah, she absolutely, if she doesn't get, well, did they already, they already did Best Supporting Actress, did they?
No, they haven't done that one. They did Actor.
They did Actor. Okay, good.
Okay, so what are they presenting now?
Oh, Jimmy Kimmel's back.
Let's see if he does a bit working with Trout.
Hey, where are you from? Milwaukee?
Only cheese and queers come from Milwaukee.
The next nominee for the original song was composed for the animated feature Coco by the Oscar winners for Let It Go.
Did you see Coco? Yeah, it was nominated.
And Robert Lopez. What is it about?
It was a solid Pixar film. It was Pixar?
I guess I thought it was DreamWorks.
I thought it was a pretty PC away.
It really wasn't. From the land of the living, across the border, to the land of the dead.
All for the love of his family.
Is this a lifetime achievement award?
What's happening right now? What did I miss?
Jenny. Allison Jenny.
I got that wrong. I kept saying Jennings.
Allison Jenny. No, it's Peter Jennings.
He's a Jennings. He's Canadian, by the way.
Literally. Also a dick.
Hey, Sven, did you say we have some new Mug Club sign-ups?
By the way, the promo code is OSCARSUQ. If you want to get $10 off right now, limited.
And listen, if you want to keep this show going, YouTube ain't paying nothing.
So, Everyday Daily Show, a lot of credit.com slash Mug Club, if you're a member.
I do have three right here that we can read out.
Okay, let's read out three. So, number one would be Matt W. Just sign up for Mug Club with a student discount.
Oh, there you go. Hey.
Thanks. Every time someone joins Mug Club, Muhammad is raped in hell.
Yes. Next one would be Paws Up Bear at the shoe den.
Paws Up Bear. So, he's an unbearable.
There you go. Finally, Mug Club. That $10 off is what pushed you over the edge.
Thanks. Good for you.
Next one, at Jesse Walk. Not the legal battle that we've been embroiled with for our livelihoods, but $10 off.
That's nice to hear.
Nice. And at Jesse Walk.
Finally broke down and joined Mug Club.
I'll be waiting for my beautifully hand-etched mug.
The Crowder's Anti-Oscars Party.
Thank you so much, Jesse. You will get it.
By the way, some people have been texting us, messaging us.
If you've never got your mug when you signed up for Mug Club, obviously it happens.
There's one or two percent where it gets lost in the mail or broken.
Just call customer service at CRTV and they will make sure you get a replacement.
So, anyone out there who is missing your mug, they can get it to you.
Another good announcement. If you are subscribed to the YouTube channel, click the bell because you have to subscribe twice.
With YouTube. Subscription doesn't mean anything.
You're not getting this in your subscription box.
If you're subscribed on YouTube, you have to hit the notification bell.
Over up there. If you're looking at your screen, it's like my grandmother in the VCR. What?
Here? Anyway, press.
There's a button with an arrow and two lines.
Eerie-ish. That's pause, Grandma.
Huh? So, if you're looking at the screen, top right, there's a little bell.
Top. Top right.
So, hold on. I'm doing... I'm right.
That's right. It's up here.
It's up here. Yeah. It's up here.
Because we're reversed. No, we're not reversed.
We're... We're fine.
What is... This is the most...
I look like Tony Clifton.
I just realized, uh...
Get some, uh...
Chicken from, uh... Kentucky Fried.
Huh? What do we want from the Oscars over here?
Huh? Talking about, uh...
Hashtag Me Toast, huh?
Huh? It's, uh...
Time for, uh...
Time for, uh... Time for, uh... Time for, uh...
Time for, uh... Time for, uh...
Hey, Rocket! Um...
This is just...
Probably going from here. What do you, uh...
What do you think of, uh, today's Oscars?
Huh? Huh? You're gonna give out your award, uh, here.
How would you, uh, rate today's Oscars compared to, uh, let's say, uh, Jane Franco?
Jane Franco. A little bit of Ann Hathaway?
How would you rank, uh, tonight's Oscars?
You think it's better than that fact, you saupe this man?
Huh? He has a queer, isn't he?
Oh, Hugh Jackman? At first I was like, is Hugh Jackman gay?
And then I saw he was on People Magazine recently with just so much more eyeliner than a city commissioner in Dark Knight.
Right about that. It's not eyeliner on him.
It's actually just eyelashes. Because he's in Bates Motel.
It's actually just eyelashes.
You mean fake ones? No, it has real eyelashes.
Really? I read that, yeah. I was making fun of him.
I love him all this time. He just hit the genetic lottery.
Well, it happened to me once. It happened to me in college.
Some guy came up to me like three years in and was like, you know what, Jared?
Of all the people I know, you're the only guy who can pull off eyeliner.
I'm like, do you think I've been wearing eyeliner for three years?
I just think I lost. Well, you did in a poster above his bed.
That's true. A lot of people think I thread my eyebrows, but I don't.
They're just pretty much perfect. Oh, wait, Jennifer Lawrence.
I thought she was taking time off to teach the kids to become politically active.
She couldn't stay away for that long.
Oh, is this coming up after the break?
All right, coming up after the break. I have to take a pee break.
So what do we have next? What's the next film clip?
It's Stephen Price, Ryan. Okay, oh, wait, we have Sven Origins.
Okay, so this is actually also nominated.
So we have a clip from, is it First Encounters of the Third Kind?
I don't know. I've had several dragon's milks in me.
me. Just watch this, it's a Sven origin story and I'll be back.
If everything is ready here on the dark side of the moon, play the research tones.
Beep boop. Beep beep beep boop.
Ask for six overlays, then pause.
He sent us four overlays with five different references.
One of which is German.
Nobody provides this kind of research on a late night.
I think it's just too much.
Why is he providing so much information?
It seems he's trying to teach people basic sourcing of actual material.
Like the first day of journalism class, fellas.
Beep, bop, beep.
Beep, beep, beep, boop, boop.
Oh, my love, my darling.
I've hungered for your touch.
Passed out.
Alone, lonely time.
Just be gentle with her.
What do you think you're going to make?
Make a mug.
Make a beverage vessel?
That's not how it beverages.
Keep your liquids warm.
Hand-sealed by 42 percent.
She'll make two.
Two months.
But they can only do it, they can't do it because of the heat.
Hand-etched.
It's going to be hand-etched?
Yeah, that's right.
Hand-etched, hand-painted.
Hand-painted here in America, Nevada.
Okay.
I love you so, so deeply.
And I will love you so much.
I want you to mine.
I'll be your love.
I'll be your love.
Godspeed.
Hold on, what are they talking about?
Let's hear what they're talking about right now.
Daisy.
You'll enjoy fishing, sleeping, and don't forget to bring your jet ski to the place where it's going to come to be.
We do have a game to play with you, and you can play along with us on the Twitter.
I just want to make sure I want to hear what the next category is.
If it's important, we'll stay with that.
It's just one of the many reasons our next presenter wanted to live in America.
She has all the awards they are.
Immigration drink, everybody.
They are including an Oscar, and this is why.
Always the hurricane's blowing.
Always the population.
She got nominated for that?
She was by far the worst part of that motion picture.
And the sunlight streaming, and the natives steaming.
I like the island Manhattan.
I know you do.
Smoke on your pipe.
By the way, one of my favorite films still ever is, uh, Gertie, you know, yeah, uh, West End Story.
One of my favorite films, which is off stage.
Hey, we got anyone who speaks with a, with a, who says they're, they're, they're, like, J's.
Anyone? Yeah, well, you can go back to West Side Story.
She played a Puerto Rican. Wait, hold on, she's blonde now?
Eh, she's kind of gray, but she's trying to go for blonde.
Shit! We already booked her?
Let's give it off an Italian.
Can you work right on that one? As my mommy used to say, oh my goodness gracious.
Thank you. The great director, Frank Caperson.
Wow, she was putting on the accent?
Three universal languages.
Is that her? Music.
I guess. Mathematics.
And the one we honor tonight.
She looks more like the love child of Adrian from Rocky with a Jewish attorney.
Universal language of film. Then she does.
Regardless of its country of origin, or of the dialect of its words.
All right, drink. A great film conveys a story that speaks.
Don't cheat, Jared. To the one condition we all share.
Money. The human condition.
Oh. Here are the nominees for this foreign language film.
Hold on, Garrett's pouring water.
From Chile. That's not fair.
Fantastic woman. Directed by Sebastian.
Foreign language film. Okay, this doesn't matter.
All right, so we're going to play a game right now.
A lot of people don't realize this. Hey, Sven, you're from Germany.
A lot of, you know, fashion.
Who are you wearing? A lot of people tonight wearing Hugo Boss.
Little known fact about Hugo Boss.
Take it, Sven. Well, a lot of the uniforms that the German army in World War II had, and the Nazi party they had, were designed by Hugo Boss.
Yes. So that's why many people think they do look good.
Let's all, everyone here, do we all condemn the Nazis?
Yes, yes, yes. Yes, we all hate the Nazis.
But do we all agree, snazzy uniforms.
It's a great uniform. Unbelievably well dressed, right?
Horrible ideas. Good thread count.
The first hipsters of history.
First hipsters of history.
We hated the Jews before it was cool.
Okay, go ahead. So they were designed by Hugo Boss?
Not all of them, but many of them.
Like a lot of the warship captains, right?
A lot of the U-boats? Oh, I'm not aware of that, but it might be.
I'm not aware of that. Oh, look, a fantastic woman.
About a tranny. Okay, so that brings us to our game that we will be playing in tasteless fashion as they broadcast best foreign language film.
A little game we like to call SS or Esquire.
Is it SS? Or is it...
Esquire. This is the worst introduction for any game.
I mean, would it make Spot the Tranny look positively professional?
Professional and polished. Okay, so please, play along with us on Twitter.
I'm looking at my timeline right now, at S. Crowder.
And Sven, you're going to show us a picture, and we have to guess if this is...
Are you ready for the first one? Either a Nazi, or...
Like a model. Like a male model.
Okay, keep in mind now, horrible, all condemning the Nazis.
Not great ideas. But their uniforms are hard...
They're hard to tell apart from the male models.
Okay, first picture. We got this?
Let's bring it up. Okay, is that SS or Esquire?
Nazi or male model? What say you not, Gay Jared?
That's a queer. That's a queer and Esquire.
Well, that could still be queer and not...
So you think that's Esquire? You think it's a male model?
Yeah, it's a male model. Okay, I am going to say...
Hold on, let me read and see.
Been watching two minutes and wasted.
Only watching... Okay, hold on.
Do you think this is... Of course the Nazis had good uniform.
They put the fashion in fascism.
Someone said...
All right, someone says SS. Okay, that is Dustin.
Bill DeWall says Esquire.
I say that is Esquire.
Male model. Sven, is that SS or Esquire?
Unfortunately... Unfortunately, we do this in fact.
SS. That was SS? Well, it's grandma, but it's grandma.
Wow! That is fitted!
Nice! I've got a horrible idea.
But that is a tapered uniform.
Okay, there you go.
I was wrong. I'm 0-1.
We're both wrong. Okay, all right.
Keep playing with us. SS or Esquire.
Do we have the next one? Yes, the next one.
Next one. Oh, well, listen.
That's clearly, obviously, a male model.
I'm going to go Esquire. Unfortunately, I bemoan this.
They didn't allow people with that level of melanin in their skin amongst the ranks.
Terrible. Horrible. Obviously, I'm not justifying.
This is... We're supposed to be tricked to justify...
Oh, is that it?
Oh, my gosh. I've never gotten so many tweets in my life.
Madeline Shee, Esquire.
Beatrice, knew it. LOL, Patrick Lowell, nailed it.
And people... Okay, all right.
So, I am going to say...
I'm going to say male model.
That's Esquire. What do you say?
I say that's a Nazi. You say that's a Nazi?
You say that is a infamous black Nazi?
That is... All right, Sven, computer.
Is that SS or Esquire? That's...
Drum roll, please. This is...
A Nazi.
That is a Nazi uniform?
That's a Nazi, Pete. It's a Nazi uniform.
Wow. That is nice.
Wow. That's...
Wait, is that from like a film Nazi uniform or is that an actual uniform they wore?
Um... Like, did they wear that when they were actually going out there?
Well, that I think is one that they wore, but it's from a movie because, you know, if you didn't have that...
That's not fair. He's stacking the deck.
Germans, you can never trust them.
They talk about their engineering. It's just because they cheat.
I don't admit to cheating.
Okay. All right.
Well, listen. People are playing along.
People are really... This is...
All right. Listen. By the way, let us know your favorite game on Lotta with Crider.
Spot the Tranny, Hipster, Hobo, or now we have SS or Esquire.
We haven't brought those back in a while. All right.
Zero on two. People are going zero on two.
Zero on two. Zero on two.
Someone buck wild said, SS, I still need an editing job.
All right. How many of these do we have? We have eight.
Oh, wait. Hold on a second. Is this best actress?
How many? Did I miss it?
What do you want? Okay.
Well, yeah. We'll continue our game afterwards.
Put that on hold. That's SS or Esquire.
Everyone. Please.
Tell me Allison Jennings wins this.
I'm very fond of her.
Well, you're very fond of her, are you?
Well, in that case...
No, don't turn it on me.
I don't want your cloud on my head.
Shut up. You can shut right up.
Don't pick a fight with me.
You certainly won't come out alive.
I can ride through you and it'll be you who ends up on the floor.
Understood? Lori Metcalfe, Lady Bird.
You can't even pass your driver. You wouldn't let me practice that.
The way that you work or the way that you don't work, you're not even worth state tuition, Christine.
My name is Lady Bird.
Well, actually, it's not and it's ridiculous.
Oh, I think she's one of the worst actresses in the history of mankind.
You should just go to City College.
I don't even know her name. I just think she's always bad.
Go to City College and then to jail and then back to City College and then maybe you'd learn to pull yourself up and not expect everybody.
Jaya. Yeah.
If she's lucky. I'll take you, Spencer.
The Shape of Water. I didn't see Shape of Water.
Shut up. But she's been good in everything I've seen.
You don't talk. She's great.
Now you can shut your mouth.
You were about to say salad, but you realize you couldn't use that.
Salad. Salad.
You wouldn't understand. I couldn't understand if you've tried your whole life.
And the award goes to, it's not Allison Janney.
This is a real. And the Oscar goes to Allison Janney.
There you go. That's a fair award.
Allison Janney, if you haven't seen I, Tonya, I highly recommend it.
She just, what do you say?
Well-deserved award.
I can't think of a supporting role that I, that was more enjoyable at the films this year than Allison Janney.
Please, Allison, don't disappoint us with the speech.
Just stole, well, Margot Robbie was no joke.
No, she was, she was great and so was What's-His-Face, but.
But I did. But I did.
I did it all by myself.
There you go. Look.
Funny. Good.
Okay, nothing further, nothing further.
from the truth. Thank you to the Academy.
My fellow nominees, you represent everything that is good and right and human about this profession.
You are all extraordinary.
Steven Rogers, look what you did.
Look what you did. You're a brilliant writer.
Thank you for the gift of LaVonna.
I did not see this coming.
You did. You give new meaning to the word friend.
You see that face? She's like. To my Italian family, the magnificent Margot Robbie, the fearless Craig Gillespie, a cast and crew and bird that elevated my work.
to Tom and Brian Neon 30 West.
And you know what I really appreciate about this?
She's not a bad-looking woman and she looks terrible on this.
Women who are not afraid to throw themselves into a role and look ugly or look ugly or be ugly.
It's a big thing for comedy, too.
I think a lot of women, they're afraid of being, they're afraid of being embarrassed.
Embarrassed, yeah. All right, let's bring it up.
You know who you are.
I love you. And this is for Hal.
You're always in my heart.
Thank you very much. That was a great speech.
Great performance. Great speech.
Alice and Jenny, that's the highlight of the evening.
Everyone else is going to pick some social justice for your street without a doubt.
Alice and Jenny. Okay, let's continue.
By the way, people are saying, what the F is SS or Esquire?
Just waiting for the YouTube.
Neil Glazer, most hilarious, just waiting for the YouTube hammer.
All right. Let's go back.
We are continuing with our game.
SS or Esquire.
Sven Computer, show us the next guest and you can play along with us on the Twitter.
Well, this isn't fair.
You know what? I'm going to go, since I've been wrong every single turn, that clearly seems as though it would be a Nazi.
I'm going to say that's a male model because the Photoshop, it almost seems too obvious.
Like Norm MacDonald who wants to be a male.
There might be a few curveballs here.
There might be a few curveballs. I think that uniform there, that uniform, the lapels, the flare, the schnaz, that's got to be a gay Esquire.
Someone who said newest gender pronouns is actually their favorite game.
Okay, tell us, Sven Computer, is that SS or Esquire?
Esquire. Just for yourself.
Beep, beep. One second.
Here we go. Wait, you're taking these from films.
That's not fair, Sven Computer.
We don't know if these are accurate Hugo Boss SS uniforms.
I think they are. Beep, beep.
Well, that's like your opinion, man.
All right. Let's move on here.
People, gosh, my Twitter's blowing up.
People love this game, apparently.
That is definitely an SS number three.
Okay, let's go to the next one, number four.
Number four. Here we go.
Oh, that's clearly SS. No, wait.
Because the Nazi symbol, I feel like I've got to get one of these right.
I'm going to go Esquire. I'm going to go that's a male model, and you added a Nazi symbol to it.
Yeah, I'm going to agree. We're both going to go that.
All right, go, Sven Computer.
Okay, this would be a male model.
Oh, okay, there you go.
It's almost hard to tell.
It's almost as though it was the inspiration for the game.
Thanks, Rachel, for the clear swastika.
Or let's keep going like this is going really well.
I do not like that my timeline is littered with thousands of just SS. SS. All of us are going to have to, when they try and comfort me on YouTube, they're going to go, is this not your Twitter timeline?
They will show it in court, and it will just be SS, SS, SS, SS, Nazi, SS. All right, Sven, give us number five.
Here's number five. Ooh.
Ooh, that looks a little bit baggy, honestly, in the shoulder there.
I'm going to say, I'm going to say that.
But you know what? Because that's clearly a male model face.
I'm going to say that's an SS. That's an SS. That's a Nazi.
What do you think? Okay, Jared.
Yeah, that's a little Hitler Youth Nazi.
That's a little Hitler Youth Nazi.
Sven Computer, give it to us.
That's not just a Hitler Youth Nazi.
That would be Hitler himself.
Hitler himself. But that's not designed by Hugo Boss.
Well, yeah. You've lost the plot.
I cheated a little bit. You've lost the spirit of the game, Sven.
The photo wash is too good, Steven.
Beep, beep. Sven Computer, the spirit of SS or Esquire lives in you.
Well, this photo was taken according to the Internet, which I trust, between 1925 and 1930.
I don't trust at all. You were the one who told us it was designed by Hugo Boss.
I expected you to have action. Okay, let's go to the next one, SS or Esquire.
Let's go to the next one.
Well, I know who that male model is.
So that is absolutely an SS uniform, because that's a male model face on there.
Isn't that Dan Bilzerian?
Or what's the Bilzerian guy?
I don't think that's Dan Bilzerian.
No, it's not? Well, then I'm just wrong on all counts today.
That's a Nazi. That's a Nazi.
That's SS. All right, let's go.
Hold on, let me, hold on, hold on. Five, we Nazi lad.
Number six, what do people think?
People, Dan Carmine is two and five.
Wow. Do we have to indicate whether the models are not, or Nazis are gay, or is that redundant?
Ooh, Sven Computer. There were actually some gay Nazis, I think.
Yeah, of course there were. They just had to keep it in secret.
Like that one guy who Hitler killed immediately after he got to power.
Not because he was gay, but I don't remember the name.
I'm a bad historian. I'm pretty sure Hitler was uncomfortable with it.
Okay, let's see. What was this?
Is this a Nazi, or is this a male model?
This is Christoph Waltz.
It's Christoph Waltz.
Are these all movie Nazis?
They are high-resolution pictures, and they are authentic uniforms.
All right, how many of these do we have?
We have two more. All right, two more.
Quick, let's go. Next one, really quick.
Here we go. Let's rapid-fire this, SS or Nazi.
I'm going to say male model, not a Nazi.
What do you say, Naki, Jared? Male model.
That is, in fact, a male model.
Ah, there we go. We got that right. Hold on, let's hear Jimmy Kimmel.
We'll go to our final SS or Nazi.
SS or Esquire.
Jimmy Kimmel, let me hear him. Oh, I can't hear him.
The biggest movie of the year.
I'm excited to introduce him, but the truth is, I think about my nine-year-old self.
I wish he was here because he would be so much more excited.
Oh, he is here.
Hi, nine-year-old self.
Hi, 60-year-old self.
I'm 50, not 60.
Ugh, really?
Yes, really. Well, you should have taken better care of us.
Yeah, listen, just read the teleprompter.
Boo! Bring back Billy Crystal.
I'm here to present the award for a best animated short and feature from Star Wars, The Last Jedi.
That's a tough one. Thank you, sweetie.
My wife had a tough one. This is like a church production.
I say that lovingly in church production, but you took a little, higher quality entertainment from the Oscars and hosting.
Maybe this is on par.
Look, look, more tits.
Hashtag me too. Here are my tits.
Hey, and they brought out some droid they got from Bed Bath& Beyond.
Great to be here and to be together again.
Yeah, it's great. I'm also here to pick up my monthly check under the Jedi pension plan.
But who's that Asian girl?
I don't know, but it's not him a couple years ago.
About a year ago, you were talking Mark Hamill hits.
He wants to know why he's the only one not in a tuxedo.
It's delicate. No design.
Was she from Star Wars? Yeah, I think she was the new one.
Well, obviously she's an Asian.
From a treehouse? She's obviously an Asian chick.
Was she in Star Wars? Yeah. Rogue One or the actual Star Wars?
The new Star Wars. Revity is the soul of wit.
Here are the nominees.
Revity is the soul of wit. You wouldn't know it from this awards ceremony.
Dear basketball. A mere nine hours left to go.
Animated short film. Okay, who cares?
All right. Last one of SS or Nazi.
All right, everybody. Listen. Let's go.
This is what? Number eight? This is the last one.
This is number eight. Number eight.
Number eight. We want you to tweet me at SCrowder or at Nakejared if you think it's SS or Esquire.
All right. Let's see number eight. Okay.
That is...
I am going to go on this one.
Gosh, if that's a Photoshop, that's a good Photoshop.
I'm going to... At first I would say SS just because...
He's a little bit... The physique is not that of a male model.
It's kind of squared off in the chest.
A little broad.
Not necessarily, but because it is a raincoat.
I'm going to say... I'm going to take a risk.
I'm going to say... I mean...
I'm going to take a risk and do this broadcast.
I'm going to take a risk and say that that is Esquire.
That's a male model. That's a Nazi.
You think that's a Nazi? That's a Nazi.
All right. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Let me see.
Before you get us to it, this is number eight.
All right.
Number eight. SS. SS. SS. Last one.
SS for sure. Kevin Zobare says Esquire.
SS. SS. SS. Got to go with Esquire.
Clement LaCoudre. Number eight is a damn Nazi, says Sean.
Eight is Esquire. Sven's failed.
All right. Let us know, Sven Computer.
Is that SS or Esquire?
Judge for yourself.
Oh! Wow!
Did Hitler just have Hugo Boss a retainer?
I think he did.
And Mussolini said, Call Armani!
No! No.
Not for you! Not for you!
Not because you're fashion!
But because you fail at fascist!
You are a bad fascist!
You are a blabber me the ball!
Racist and fascist.
Civil Nazis. Work ethic and fashion.
Wait! Is Kobe Bryant up here hashtag me too?
Holy smokes. Didn't he beat the shit out of his wife?
Such a wonderful piece of music.
Thank you Verizon for believing in the film.
Wait, is that Kobe Bryant? That's Kobe Bryant.
Okay, for a second there I thought I was going to get you raked over the cold.
Vanessa, our daughters, Natalia, Gianna, and Bianca.
Te amo con tutto il mio cuore.
My daughters, who I did not beat.
Without mercy.
All right, this has been SS or Esquire.
Can we play us out with SS or Esquire?
We have that theme. This has been concluding SS or Esquire.
Sorry, I'm late.
No problem. No problem.
SS or Esquire again.
I thought you were somewhere else. That's okay.
Garrett is new because Jared is usually operating the board and Garrett, the intern is there and he will be obviously promptly fired.
All right, let us know. Is SS or Esquire your favorite new game?
Or is it still newest gender pronouns?
Spot the tranny, hipster, or hobo?
We have quite a few games here. It is a catchy name.
By the way, speaking of games, drinking game tonight.
Can we bring that up again?
The drinking game rules? Drinking game rules for anyone who was wondering.
These are the drinking game rules.
Trump fears 2018 or it's time.
Feminism, equality, diversity, climate change, assault weapon, NRA, borders, wall, gun violence, fascism, immigration, sexual harassment, or any topic who falls under the umbrella thereof.
Who? Which falls?
I'm sounding like Jimmy Kimmel now.
The difference is I don't have it scripted for me on a prompter.
Okay, animated feature film.
I think Coco. I haven't seen it.
I think Coco. Loving Vincent keeps popping up either in my Netflix feed or Amazon.
Tell him that. Coco.
Coco. Well, he just said it.
Okay, Viva la Tarea America.
What? What did he say? Something? In fairness, it was a great film.
I don't care. I don't like that he spoke with an affectation.
I don't care if it's a good film.
Actually, but I hate Pixar films at the same time.
So, Pixar, let's see what they win and then we'll bring on our next guest.
Are we able to bring them on?
Do we have our next guest or no?
She's prepping. Okay. Is this Mi Armando?
Okay. Thank you to the Academy.
You know what? I will say this.
It is refreshing. We've talked about the Botox and everything.
It's just a woman who just unabashedly let herself go.
Hold on.
Gigantic interwoven family and most especially my wife, my rock, Corey Ray.
Oh, lesbianism.
That's not even on there. But of course it should be encompassed.
Drink, drink, drink. Oh, my God.
Look at the light. To my husband, Ryan.
Oh, double. Each for expanding my sense of what it means to be proud of who you are and where you're from.
We hope the same thing for everyone who connected.
Also losing my keys in the right jar.
We share this with our immensely talented cast and crew as well as the executive teams at Disney and Pixar.
Thanks for the support of my wife, Laura.
My three kids, Hannah, Alice.
He's the odd man out for having a wife.
And the biggest thank you of all to the people of Mexico.
Coco would not exist.
The people of Mexico who, if they're not vomiting and trapping uncontrollably right now due to pesticides and microorganisms in their tap water, are likely hopping the border just to escape that godforsaken hellhole that is Mexico.
But you know what?
We're going to tell you that it's a place you want to be because we went to Cancun once when Ted Turner advocated a one-child policy at the Cancun Climate Summit in 2014.
Is it just me? When they talk about gays, they're like, they're not represented.
We just had, like, five gays in a row.
Viva la Mexico! No!
No, your own people don't believe in Viva la Mexico.
That's why they want to leave Mexico.
This is one thing that really bothers me is when they love exclusively the country they left.
It's fine if to be proud.
Like, I'm proud that I'm Canadian a little bit, kind of.
But America's better, undoubtedly.
It's a better country. We did it.
That's why people leave Canada for the United States.
All right, listen. I'm going to let you take this next interview because it's actually mi hermano.
My brother, Jordan Crowder, who is out there in Los Angeles and actually, like me, gets all the screeners from Hollywood.
Hey, look, no tits for the first time.
Jordan, talk with Nac Day Jared until I get back.
I have to get another beer because the drinking game is getting there.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hey, guys.
Hey. How's it going?
Going well. Oh, gosh.
Yeah. Stop that. Look at there.
He was the one just talking about the gays.
And then he goes and does something like that.
A thing like that.
He deserves to be fired from his own job.
Can you hear me? I can hear you.
Can you hear me? Get in the mic.
Oh, there we go. There we go.
His mics are important. He's like, oh, gosh.
I can only see what half of Stephen and I know exactly what he's doing.
No explanation is needed.
Jordan, are you watching the Oscars?
Yeah, yeah. I'm actually at an Oscar party.
in Burbank right now.
Okay. So we're kind of, we're all huddled around the TV watching it.
I missed the last 10 minutes, though, because I had to download the Skype app on my phone here.
I'm sorry to put you out there.
I know. It sucks.
With your 4G and LTE service there.
I know. Yeah, how much PBR is there?
How much PBR has been consumed this far?
No PBR. Just a lot of, there's some kids there.
So there's some KBC root beer.
So, and then a little bit of, a little bit of, of, you know, Jose Cuervo.
That's all I saw in there.
So you see how the kids are loving the tits.
Is there, is there, you know, I missed, did I miss some tits?
Is that what happened while I was, while I was trying to download this thing?
Have you been watching the same show?
It's all tits. There's nothing else.
The Oscars is little bits of fake awards interspersed with tits.
Well, that's a, it's a, it's a good show then.
Hashtag me too. Hey, we were just talking about this and you work out there and you and I have worked basically in the film industry or television, entertainment industry our entire lives.
Yeah. Just how much, how aware are people in Los Angeles of the Ponzi scheme that is the Oscars?
Because you basically have to spend more as there's, you know, declining ratings.
But we, we, we just brought up the overlays earlier.
How much is spent on the average nomination, let alone award?
Over a million. Yeah. I mean, I think it's kind of like, it's, it's, it's like the little secret that everybody knows but no one talks about.
I mean, I, I, it's, it's, it's basically the, the nominations go to whoever pays for the most lavish parties and the, and the, and the most advertising in the city, the, for, for your consideration, as in the trades and the billboards and all that stuff.
But I, I actually thought this year there was a lot of movies that I actually liked, which isn't usually the case.
A lot of the times it's, it's just, it's just crap that, that they paid a lot of money for.
Yeah, but it's, but it's time for all the crap that they paid a lot of money for.
It's time. Haven't you seen the Time's Up pins on their lapels?
Is that going on tonight?
I can't tell because we have a little like 50, like a 50 inch TV that we're all sharing right now.
We're all watching.
Could you get to it with a DeLorean?
Yeah. All right.
Well, listen, we, we appreciate, Jordan, you're coming in to pinch hit because we had Blair White couldn't come in.
Probably, you know, listen, Blair White's busy, busy.
Has a lot going on. All right.
Well, listen, we actually have to, we just played SS or Esquire and everyone lost and my timeline is filled with nothing but people saying SS or Nazi.
So this was a horrible idea.
I don't want to keep you from your party.
It all seems that you're not paying attention to the ceremonies at all because you've missed all the breasts.
That's the entire. I saw, I saw a few breasts.
How would you rate Jimmy Kimmel?
Is it just me or is the pacing so off?
This is bad for a church sketch.
It is so unfunny.
Well, I think it's definitely a neutered comedy act this year.
It's not, I actually, I actually liked Seth MacFarlane a lot a few years ago, but he caught a lot of flack for being too on PC. And now we've got this adult doing the Oscars.
There's a few funny jokes, but most of them are kind of predictable.
Well, when he was good there, Steven Spielberg, do you have any pot?
I was like, that's a bad comedian working the crowd.
It's completely unnecessary. I know.
By the way, my mother is crawling across the floor right now.
There is no possible way a camera could see her to bring Sound Guy Edward wine.
She's crawling across the floor.
It's the most sad thing I've ever seen in my life.
Now you have to switch the camera to Sound Guy Edward, Garrett, just so we can see.
Look, it's just a hand coming in like Cousin It.
Did Mom watch Shape of Water?
No, I can't, I don't, I can't imagine she did.
Mom, Mom and Crowder, did you watch Shape of Water this year?
No, I did not.
Did any of you guys see it?
No, I'm not a big Guillermo del Toro fan after the guy shattered a bottle in the other guy's orbital.
Is that what happened? No, that was in Pan's Labyrinth.
It happens. Well, you, I figured out, I figured out what was so unsettling about that movie.
I don't know, have you seen it, Jared?
I have not. I know people who saw it and said it was just kind of like.
Is it that water has no shape?
No, well, well, there's, I don't know if you've heard about this, but the woman has sex with the water creature.
Yeah. And that's the weird thing everyone's talking about.
That was like Splice with Adrian, with Adrian, not Adrian.
No, no, it wasn't.
Here's, here's the main difference though.
And I couldn't figure out. Hey, hold on a second.
By the way, you prick. Spoiler alert.
Go ahead. Oh, sorry.
It's like he couldn't, he couldn't have ruined the movie more.
I'm pretty sure that if you go into Shape of Water, if there's one major plot twist, it's that the guy has sex with the Shape of Water.
Yeah. Thank you for getting me all the flack on the face.
Well, that's what literally everyone was talking about.
And then, and then I saw it and I realized, oh, that's not what's disconcerting about it.
It's that the water is non-intelligent.
So she forces it upon him and that's the most weirdest thing about it.
It's water. It's like she's having sex with a retarded guy.
The guy is non-intelligent?
The, the, the water.
Wait, so the guy rapes the water?
No, the woman basically took advantage of the water.
Oh, I thought the water object was a female.
No. It's a guy?
I don't know. Maybe that's a twist I didn't know about.
The Shape of Water.
It's like this. Um, I, uh, I've, I've got to imagine that that just ruined the film for everyone.
Was it a good film? Is it worth seeing?
Because I didn't want to see it. It, it, it set up really well.
It was set up for like a fun world and then it kind of died off.
It didn't keep it going. And I, and I think, I don't know.
I, it's, I think it's something that you need to see because it's, it's, it's, it's interesting.
Nah, I'm not going to see it. It's a new film. What's your top film of the year, Jordan?
Um, I, gosh, I really like Target Power.
Yeah, by the way, this girl rapes water.
I don't think I do anymore.
Especially because there's not going to be that moment of, oh, she raped the water.
That's the only thing that warrants of you.
But what was your favorite movie this year?
Uh, I like Darkest Hour and I like Lady Bird.
I, um, I've been watching, uh, Greta Gerwig's stuff for the last 10 years, kind of following her career.
I met her at the Alamo Drafthouse back at South by Southwest, like 10 years ago.
And it's kind of cool to see her getting a nomination for something.
So I think it was genuinely well-written and I enjoyed.
Yeah. All right. I didn't see Lady Bird.
I didn't want to see it because it was like Lady Bird.
It was like, ah, teenage angst.
You know, you know what was interesting about Lady Bird?
Because it's all set at a Catholic school.
I went into it thinking that it was all going to be like this anti-faith thing and like, oh, these mean Catholics or whatever it is.
But it wasn't like that at all.
Everybody was like a well-rounded character.
Like, there was likable, likable nuns and priests and stuff.
It wasn't, like, I thought it was going to be just, you know, some tirade against priests and nuns or whatever.
And it was just, it was actually enjoyable.
The characters were a lot of fun.
You get the award tonight for, uh, best inadvertent spoiler.
Congratulations. You win. You must go.
Uh, Jordan Crowder, where's the best place for people to find you?
Uh, you can find me on Twitter at Jordan Crowder or at Jen Scofflaw.
A little plug there for a podcast.
Podcast, Jen Scofflaw.
Oh, hey, look, more tits. You have to go.
There's breaths. Bye, Jordan Crowder.
Thank you, brother. I can't see it on the tiny screen.
I'm missing it. All right.
Bring up the audio here. Who is this?
Incredible visual effects in today's films demonstrate that anything is possible and that even the most fantastic images found in the pages of the screenplay includes double-sided tape.
and on-screen reality.
Effects artists working in concert with virtually every department.
Yeah, I don't like him. I know you love him because there's a Spider-Man thing.
I don't like him at all. I think he's, like, the latest version and the poor man's version of the kid who played Billy Elliot.
I don't like him. Yeah.
We have a love affair with him and it's torrid.
Here are the nominees for achieving visual effects.
This is completely and totally unnecessary.
Okay, Jared. All right, hold on.
We have some more Mug Club members, right, Sven?
In about two minutes.
Oh, Sven has to do it. We have a different system right now.
Sven Computer is looking for...
Oh, it's not half bad with S. Crater.
I've never even heard of it. Sound of water.
He kind of looks like...
Okay, hold on a second. I guess you're watching.
S. Crater is doing that for us.
Someone tweeted to Greg Gutfeld.
Yeah. Well, Greg Gutfeld works at Fox News, so he's not necessarily plugged into the bloodstream of what happens online.
Just got my Mug Club membership on CRTV with Ladder with Crater.
Gwennifar Stormcrow says, Boyfriend and I are so tipsy it's unbelievable.
S. Crater drinking game is killing me.
I apologize, Nicolita.
I laughed too hard. Quit spoiling movies, said Max.
Fair. We have visual effects here.
Blade Runner, 2015.
Oh, God. All right, listen.
You know, I think... Hold on, am I missing this?
Do we have to take a break here for breaking news?
I think we have breaking news. Do you have to miss...
Is there a breaking news? I think I'm getting word from our producers that we do...
Let me know. Let me know.
Let me know. Let me know.
Let me know.
This will be the bullshit award category.
We'll keep you abreast as the story unfolds for breaking news.
I'm part... What's the breaking news?
I mean, it's kind of a... No, the hard-hitting news along with the Academy.
We get all of the above.
Oh, look at this guy. Here's the thing.
Do you have any idea how much time this guy spent on looking like, Oh, I don't know.
I just leave the house like that. I just woke up and won the Academy Awards.
Crazy hours of the last 22 years.
Hopefully my boys, Boston and Jackson, are watching...
Oh, they're playing him off so quickly.
...and all the people who have had such a big influence on me and my career.
Hey. Thank you. Hey, check your privilege.
You're four white guys. You don't get that much time.
This is... Bring back Lupita.
Thank you, Germany. Thank you.
Great. Oh, German, get off the stage.
Come on. Thank you so much.
I just find it so funny that everything...
It's identity politics, and it just ceases to work.
Even here where they buy the awards, if they try to make it somewhat merit-based, it's like...
There's never going to be accurate representation every...
Are we at the point here where it has to be...
Oh, here. Hold on. There's Matthew McConaughey.
Let's hear him. Come on here.
What do you have to say? Movies. They're an illusion.
Literally a magic trick.
Exactly. I would have expected Matthew McConaughey to come out.
To trick the eye into seeing movement and life.
You see there... That's true that we make the movie in production, but we sculpt the movie in the editing room.
Where real magic happens by cutting those frames together on a precise order that creates an emotional impact and tells a story.
They're a writer. Since 1934, the Academy has recognized the women and the men whose skill for combining distinct images has elevated the art of movement.
It is now my honor to present this year's nominees for achievement in film editing.
Baby driver.
Film editing. This is always bizarre to me because I get that editing is a skill, but really...
They're getting an award.
They really effectively should be the hand of the director.
So I really do feel almost as though it should be a joint award between the director and the editor.
It's not as though the editor acts in his own bubble.
That's one thing that I always thought was really weird.
Except for Pulp Fiction, actually. Pulp Fiction, Johnny Boy, our producer here was talking to me about it, actually was entirely different because Quentin Tarantino is a horrible filmmaker.
Most people don't want to admit that. You can tweet me at us, I don't care.
He's a terrible, terrible, terrible, awful, just awful filmmaker.
Dunkirk. And Pulp Fiction was entirely because of the director's editor's show.
It's not him. This is the first Oscar and third nomination for Lee Smith.
He was previously nominated in this category for The Dark Knight and Master and Commander, the far side of the world.
Dunkirk. You know, it's funny.
He got nominated for Master and Commander.
It seems like this guy specializes in films that get nominated for visual effects but otherwise are of no consequence.
Like Master and Commander.
It's like, eh, okay. Dunkirk.
All right. If anyone in ten years from now is like, Dunkirk.
I'm like, yeah, you know, I remember that was pretty well done visually.
I'm actually surprised that it didn't make a bigger waves.
I didn't think it was great. No, I didn't think it was great at all.
...awesome thing that can happen to a guy like me.
He's Australian. I really want to just start by thanking Christopher Nolan, who they moved me from over there to sit with him.
All right, hold on a second. Come on, bring on the award for sound mixing.
This is an editor himself.
I mean, he doesn't handle the actual equipment.
Ellie Catherine said next year they should just cut the middleman and just have Chuck Schumer host the thing.
His fabulous wife, Emma.
Always supportive. Great producer.
Incredible. I mean, Dunkirk was truly the most amazing film.
Well, you can't say that when you're the one who worked on it.
I'd also like to thank my beautiful wife.
My film was truly the most amazing film.
Also, you know, I'm really thankful, but quite a leg up.
I've just got the biggest cock.
I'm wrapping up. I'm wrapping up. Melanie Ramsey.
John Lee, my editorial assistant.
Warner Brothers here. That's not a cock.
This is a cock.
I mean, how conceited he has to be?
It just says I've got the microphone.
I don't know how conceited he has to be.
He just went out like, Dunkirk's the best film.
Well, hold on a second. The award for best film hasn't been out that.
It's not been out. It's not done yet.
Okay, sir? Yeah, I know editing isn't the most glamorous category, but I don't know if you know this, but before Dunkirk, when they went into the editing room, it was originally a romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon.
Really miraculous. You know, a lot of people have been thanked tonight, producers, directors.
What bothers me is how many writers did Jimmy Kimmel have for tonight?
And it's so bad. And as far as writers on our program, we do this show every night, it's me and you, and Owen comes in a few times a week.
And that's it. That's it.
So I want to thank, I would take a moment to thank the people who asked to go to see the movie tonight.
Tonight we thank the movie-going public.
I don't, I mean, I don't think you're fully understanding.
I don't want us to just clap before it's nice, but I want to really thank them.
Hold on a second. So the people you see on screen right now, they are across the way at the TCL Chinese Theater.
They don't know we can see them.
They're, we're watching them on one of those cameras that have vision in the night.
What do they call them? Night vision cameras?
This is the most interesting thing tonight, as far as it fits.
And I thought it would be nice if we got a group together to go over there and thank them in person to surprise them.
So who wants to come with me?
By the way, we're looking for stars.
Ansel, would you like to come with me?
That would be very kind of you.
Yes. I mean, who else?
Mark, would you? Oh, they would get a big kick out of seeing Luke Skywalker.
That would be wonderful. Yeah, definitely.
Guillermo, you want to come with us?
You know, you're nominated in every category.
Billy just signed up.
Thank you very much for signing up, Billy.
Guillermo? Why is Tarantino a horrible filmmaker as a dark not-ass?
I'm genuinely curious. Let me tell you why.
Because Quentin Tarantino has never made a genuinely good film.
The closest thing is Jackie Brown.
He makes schlock.
He makes B films and goes, oh, it's so bad.
I meant to make it so bad.
I meant to make it like a B movie.
Make a good movie first, and then I'll give you some leniency when it comes to making deliberately bad films.
He has yet to make a genuinely good film.
Did you watch Hateful Eight? Oh, it was so...
Yeah, I know.
Hateful Eight was terrible. One of the worst.
I mean, how long is this bit?
It was interesting when it started.
Are they actually going to do this in real time and walk out to that theater?
This is so much wasted time and so much...
And you know, some producer was like, you want to do what?
All right, listen, we have coming up, pretty soon we're going to have Anne McElhinney and Matt Eisman, and we have some more things that we actually have to talk about.
I think we have some celebrities here on the program who are surprise guests even to me.
What's our next commercial we're going to cut to since they're going to a commercial?
Oh, we do. You know what?
Nominated for plenty of awards, Steven Spielberg unfortunately apologized for this film, Jaws, saying he felt bad about demonizing a shark.
I think Steven Spielberg is just an absolutely insufferable Walking human vagina for saying that because jaws is still
one of my favorite films And this is one of our favorite monologues from jaws quinn
of course and we have a clip for that which exclusively from Mug Club
You tube slam two torpedoes into our side chief Peace.
Thanks for watching!
We were coming up on 700,000 subscribers when YouTube dropped the bomb.
The demonetization bomb.
Over 600 videos on the channel, all of them restricted in less than 12 minutes.
Didn't see the first video get demonetized for half an hour.
It was an hour-long interview with Dennis Prager about human nature.
You know how to tell when your video's about to get demonetized, Chief?
You can tell by how many SJWs it triggers, by how much truth is in there.
But we didn't know because YouTube's new policies have been so secret.
No email notifications had been sent.
They didn't even answer any of our emails for a week.
But the very first week, Chief, their preferred moderators started flagging that we formed ourselves into a tight group of Mug Club.
You know, it was kind of like the old squares and the battle, like you see, and the calendar, like the Battle of Waterloo, and the idea was angry SJWs.
Angry SJWs come to take down the channel of some made-up guideline violations.
He'd start pounding and hollering and screaming.
Sometimes SJWs go away.
Sometimes he wouldn't go away.
Sometimes that SJW, he looks right into you.
Right into your eyes.
You know the thing about an SJW? He's got lifeless eyes.
Black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
He comes at you.
Doesn't seem to be living.
Until he screams at you and those gender-neutral eyes roll over white.
Oh, and you get that terrible high-pitched bullcrab notification.
Your channel turns red with a hard strike.
In spite of all the fighting and the hollering, YouTube comes in and it sweeps you to pieces.
Nobody spoke up in that first wave.
YouTube restricted over 600 videos.
I don't know how many demonetized, maybe 500.
I don't know how many channels struck down the average six an hour.
On Thursday morning, Chief, I run into a friend of mine, Lee Dorn, from How the World Works.
Lawyer. Analytical type.
I thought he hadn't uploaded a video in a while.
Scanned his channel to see what will scroll up and down on the page looking for content.
Well, turns out he'd been struck down for hate speech.
A real mild video, too, Chief.
A historical account of the atrocities Japan committed against China in World War II. No profanity.
No graphic content.
Anyway, YouTube saw it and removed it just because it offended some Japanese moderator.
You know, that was the time I was most frightened, waiting for my turn.
I'll never be dependent on YouTube for my livelihood again.
So, over 700 videos uploaded to our YouTube.
YouTube channel. Only 24 enabled.
YouTube restricted or demonetized the rest.
June 29th, 2017.
Anyway, they created the Mug Club.
Farewell. It's almost like the intern doesn't know how to do the transitions.
It's almost like I didn't teach him. Here we are.
Back at Stephen's gulping water and there's nothing.
It's almost like that. How are you doing?
I was in the middle of drinking water.
He said 30 seconds.
He meant, well, next time Garrett, the intern, when he said 30 seconds, do you mean four?
Just say four. Four.
So, do you think Jimmy Kimmel knows they're only cheering for her?
No. I don't get this.
Like, what's, what's, cool, you can bring cameras up.
They did this last year. They brought, like, people into the Oscars who didn't know, like, they thought they were taking a tour.
It's a total ripoff of last year's thing that wasn't good either.
There is a strong aroma of marijuana in this theater.
How many times are you going to go to the pot joke?
Is that Perez Hilton sitting in the audience, by the way?
Look, second row.
When they shoot from the front.
Second row. I'm pretty sure that's Perez Hilton in there.
So, watch when they shoot from, the other angle.
Which makes me think there are plants there.
Let's wait until they hit the next angle.
Come on, reverse the angle there.
Reverse the angle like you had before. People who go to the movies, and those are you people, so we wanted to say thank you to the moviegoers.
Say thank you to the moviegoers, everybody.
They're not even going to show it.
Probably because people caught on.
There was a reverse like this angle, but in the theater, and I'm pretty sure Perez Hilton is right in there.
See, right there in the right.
right that blue shirt with the frosted tips.
Look at this, Ansel Elgort is here.
Come on, show the reverse angle.
Now they're not showing. There he is.
No, wait, no, that's not him. That's just another gay guy with frosted tip.
We'll have Ann McElhinney coming up in five or ten minutes, for people who do not know this yet.
We're getting footlongs.
This is the bits tonight?
This is so boring. This is the funniest bits?
Does anyone want a hot dog? They do that every year.
Okay, right. Ah, ah.
They just, they lost. All right, anyways, Perez Hilton was in this audience.
This is terrible. It's totally hinging on the whole, like, ooh, we're Hollywood.
We're the celebrities. We're amidst you.
Right. By the way, you had a couple headlines that came up from BuzzFeed.
Yeah, I've been getting dings on my phone this entire time because I'm foolishly subscribed to BuzzFeed headlines.
And the latest is, a fantastic woman made Oscar history as the first best foreign film winner to feature a trans storyline and actor.
The first foreign film to feature a trans actor?
Actor and storyline.
And storyline. The first foreign film to feature a trans actor and storyline.
All right, okay. I'm not entirely sure what that, what that, wasn't last year's best picture kind of like, no, it wasn't trans, it was just gay.
Wasn't it? I don't even know. Moonlight was just a bunch of gay black people going at it, from what I understand, right?
That's what I, that's, that's what I get.
I don't necessarily, I don't even necessarily understand.
So, um, all right, hold on, I'm reading a few things here.
A lot of comments, a lot of comments.
We're going to have Ann McElhinney, Sound Guy Edward, you're talking too much.
Let them know we're, uh, we're going to have Ann McElhinney and Philem McAleer in a few minutes.
Um, right now we are reading, uh, from a bunch of people.
Uh, this guy, Floss Morty, just said he just got back from the range and is now watching the Crowder Antioch party.
Thank you very much. We're very glad. Lots of comments.
People didn't see, have always seen the, uh, the Quentin Jaws thing.
That was the first time. That was the first time they saw?
Yeah, the, uh, the Quentin person.
By the way, here's our award. We don't need any more male privilege.
That's gone. The only award we're giving this morning is being up.
That's a tranny. Yeah, there you go.
That's a tranny. Your guess is as good as mine.
What, what? Please switch.
Yeah. I've been doing more sketches lately and I feel like I'm still highly uncomfortable with it, but you've been doing, clearly, impressions for a long time.
Shoes off. What'd you off?
Me too. I've been wearing these shoes since 11.
We're young actor friends out there.
What'd you say are the keys? Since the Critics' Choice Award.
Keys is success. I don't know.
There are no keys to success.
Bubbling up at the bottom of my foot.
I think impressions or whatever.
Oh, cause you're talking about Jaws. The impressions.
Yeah, impressions. Quick. Hold on a second.
I want to say this. Maya Rudolph, I feel like she always wants to be in the, I can do the black girl club, but like they don't want.
I feel that way too. Oh girl, my feet hurt.
They're like, what you talking about?
I'm one of you. Like, really?
Yeah, I just got a mom who's albino.
Like, oh, okay. I guess I feel her whole life is gone.
Oh, progress. Hold on, everyone.
Progress. Progress.
It's time. That's part of the drinking game.
Oscar's too black now.
Oscar's too black now. Diversity that falls into the umbrella.
Don't worry. There are so many more white people to come to.
So many.
We just came from backstage and there are tons of them back there.
Tons of them. All right, listen, everybody.
Let's get a shot of this so you can see.
If you can see, I'm not cheating. Get this full speech.
White people with clipboards.
Now, I'm personally not a fan of white people with clipboards.
Showing my suds. Showing my suds.
Everyone. For the cause.
Go. I'm like, I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
And they didn't check all the pages.
I'm like, hey, white people. Keep going.
Keep going. Check all the pages.
Ooh, ooh. And what about when they're on the headset?
All right, there you go. Who are they talking about?
There you go. Gone. Oh, gone.
That's how bad they're speeches. Okay, let's turn this down for a bit.
You know, people have asked me sometimes about impressions.
Whose can? I don't know, but it feels like I'm mad.
You have a handful of them now.
Actually, you know, it's funny.
I do quite a few of them, but I never did them in stand-up because I always felt sort of hacky.
It's hard to kind of get into them.
Like, I had a friend who would do them.
I remember in stand-up when I got started, he'd be like, this is my impression of Robert De Niro chopping a zucchini.
And he'd be like, this is just so obvious.
And it was just very, I don't know, it was always hard.
But now that we do the sketches, this is honestly way more liberating, the show that we do with Latter with Crowder.
We can do the monologue. So many options.
We're going to be at SMU, by the way, March 22nd.
2,000 seats, and it's almost full.
Ooh. For people who don't know.
So get your, go. It's first come, first serve, but I think you can reserve online.
Latterwith Crowder.com slash tour.
Here's what I do with impressions.
A lot of people, so I'm able to fit them in sketches.
And I've talked with you about this because you've asked me sometimes when you want to do some.
What I'll do is it's almost like, and this is just, this almost sounds as self-important as these people.
Don't worry, it's documentary short subject.
Our next guest, they do documentary long subjects, so they're important.
These people, not so much.
What I do is I watch it.
I'll watch, let's say it's Tom Cruise.
I'll watch something and I'll pick a line that's iconic with a lot of verbs, a lot of vowels, a lot of consonants, so pretty varied.
So think of kind of like in Mission Impossible where they would do the vocal encoding.
You'd have to say a few phrases.
I'll do that with Tom Cruise, and as I do it, I'll just do the voice first, and I'll work on it.
So this is anyone who's looking to do impressions.
I'll just do it in my head.
So I remember when I started doing Tom Cruise, I was watching Jerry Maguire, and I was watching Jerry Maguire, and I would sit there, and I would listen to his phrases, and then I realized he was a little more nasally.
In his voice, if you shut off that nasal cavity, and you add a little bit more wine to your voice, I miss my wife, I, who's coming with me?
And I would have a few phrases, I'd realize the energy, and then he would try and make your face, and understand the way Tom Cruise would talk, when he would laugh, and he would do it, and you develop it, and you think of the face, like we just did Charles Bronson in Death Wish.
Yeah. I would look in the mirror, and do the voice, so think of a couple of them, and one of them was, hey, punk, do you believe in Jesus?
You're going to meet him. So I'll close my eyes, and I'll do the voice, and then I'll think of the face.
And I'll do this for a while before I ever look at it.
So Charles Bronson, I'll go, hey.
That one hurt your face to do.
That one hurts your face to do, and then I'll go, hey, punk.
Hey, punk. I'll look in the mirror until I feel like I get it kind of close enough, and then we can do the rest with the makeup, and the puke, and the comment, and the little bit of the one-liners from the Polak Jew.
And what you do is you just sort of develop it.
You listen to the phrase. You say something that you can copy exactly, word for word, and then you develop that into the sketch, because it's really hard if you just go into a sketch that you've written, and you've never heard Tom Cruise say those words, or Bill Cosby, or whoever it is.
Sure. Because you're not repeating.
You're not just repeating something back after you hear it.
You emulate something word for word, the face, and then you move on to doing something original with it, and they seem to work.
Yeah. I think one of the first ones I ever heard you do was the Bill Cosby one, which is highly inappropriate and important.
Everyone does Bill Cosby now.
Well, that's because, you know, Bill Cosby was watching the Oscars.
He'd be watching right now, and he'd see some of the ladies who were hosting with the chocolate milk, the chocolate milk hosting.
I want to take the pill and put it in the coffee.
Look, look, she'd wear the white dress and the chocolate milk.
I'm going to take it to the coffee and get it on the way to lose and do the hip-hot and the boop-hot and the boop.
And you just sort of...
What would I pay right now for Cosby hosting this show?
He would come out, and he would be, listen, he would be real earnest, and he would say, if Bill Cosby was hosting the Academy Awards, he would say, hashtag me too, when it comes to the...
Listen, the Harvey wide stream is behind it, and the boop-hot and make it to the sub, or putting it into the Harvey wide stream, leaving it alone.
I don't want no part of the Harvey wide stream.
And that would be...
He'd have the most handicapped opening monologue there's ever been.
I tell you, I tell you, I... You know, Jed, I'm going to tell you.
That Lupecia from the Moonlight.
All right, now... I don't wish it wasn't no dyke.
Nick Nolte hosting Oscars.
Nick Nolte is going from the...
You're going from Bill Cosby.
There's a little bit of that rasp. You're going to have no voice in about five minutes.
Nick Nolte starts hurting your voice when you realize it.
You just got the mugshot from always getting drunk.
Listen, I'm hosting the Oscars.
I'm trying my best.
I'm trying my best.
Harvey Weinstein.
If you know where Harvey Weinstein...
Turn these Oscars around.
Just so my throat can get a break.
We have our next guest. I love them.
They have a film out. Of course, gosnellmovie.com was...
Now I'm getting lightheaded.
Yeah. You can't do Nick Nolte and Bo Cosby and not get lightheaded.
No, that's the point. Gosnell movie.
Fergus and the play. There's so much.
And I'm... I'm really actually like...
Bill Cosby and Nick Nolte have the worst two impressions to do in a row.
Anne McElhinney and Philem McAleer.
Can you hear me? Yes, we can.
Yes, we can. And can you see us?
We can see you. And you two actually look very, very polished this evening.
That almost looks like...
That almost looks like one of those novelty wine glasses that all the soccer moms...
Like, I only drink one glass per day.
And they fit a bottle in it.
So I just want you to know...
I just want you to know I'm wearing a black dress, but not because of me.
Me too. Just because of...
Me like the black dress.
Okay. Me like the black dress.
That's all left. Well, you both look great.
You're black tux, black dress.
You're going classical with this.
Have you been watching the Oscars this evening?
Yes. Yes, we have.
And we were watching it just to save all your audience from having to watch.
And I want to do a shout out to a friend.
We got some friends in Australia watching right now.
Libby Young. We're watching you, girlfriend.
Okay, gosh. You just had the black guests doing the girlfriend.
And then this is...
This is the whitest emulation I could possibly imagine.
You know, we have a drinking game tonight.
And I think Sven Computer can bring up the rules.
But everyone is basically half-bombed immediately.
If only for the pins with...
What is that? I can't... Is that Jack Daniels?
Yes. What is wrong with you?
You're Irish. Shouldn't you be drinking like a red breast?
I'm drinking tea. Oh, the botanist.
There you go. That's right. Philem, you drink the tea.
Is that Irish breakfast? Yes.
Black. I will tell you, I have Irish breakfast tea in the house.
And then Anne is just teasing you this whole evening.
Look, I got Patron.
I got Jack Daniels.
I got the botanist.
And wine. And you're like, I'm drinking tea.
Milky tea. Milky tea.
Milky tea. The grass-fed Milky tea.
The grass-fed Milky tea.
So, have you been surprised by anything tonight?
Now, first off, I had so many plugs from you.
Where's the best place for you to find your most recent work?
What is the one that you want people to most see right now?
Because it's 2018, in case you hadn't been watching tonight.
Go to gosnellmovie.com.
Just register there. Give us a dollar.
The movie apparently is coming out in October.
And we want everyone to go to see it on the opening night.
Okay. Gosnellmovie.com.
Gosnellmovie.com is coming out in October.
Yeah. That's what we need people to do right now.
Our good friend of the show, Dean Cain, is in that film.
And a lot of people here will be happy to.
So, gosnellmovie.com. Do go and support it because it's the kind of thing that gives the Academy nightmares.
First off, let me ask you. What was your favorite movie of the year?
What would you give? Or if you have to give a top couple of films this year?
Well, Get Out.
Get Out was a good movie ruined by the post, by the politics when they were on the Oscar circuit.
So, Get Out is a movie about classic liberal white guilt, right?
That's a good point. We were just talking about that earlier.
I feel like the film was not nearly as politically colored as they wanted it to be after the film was released.
But Peel had to go along with it because he wanted the Oscar.
Yeah. Yeah. They're claiming it's some Black Lives Matter movie.
It's not. It's about liberal whites.
It's actually about this idea of the noble savage, how whites idolized the natives.
It's got that old liberal feel to it.
And then when they realized it could be an Oscar contender, they had to shoehorn it into the Black Lives Matter movement.
Complete nonsense. It's got nothing to do with Black Lives Matter.
The greatest showman was a fantastic film.
No politics. All glee.
All fun. All delight.
Well, that would be the word I would expect Hugh Jackman would use.
Delight. As long as his wife's not around.
I have no idea what that means.
I think he's a homosexual.
But he's a great showman.
He's a great showman, Hugh Jackman.
But remember, when he hosted the Oscars, I remember he got panned.
We were just talking about this.
He put in some effort. Contrary to Kimmel, you know, he's not the best singer.
He's not the best, but he was good.
And you could tell he really put in effort.
Was it the Tonys? Yeah. No, no, it was this.
He hosted the Oscars. Was it about five years?
I remember that was the first year of Big Hollywood because I was live blogging with John Nolte at Breitbart.com slash Big Hollywood.
Yeah. Kimmel has a very bad Oscars this year, I think.
Stuffing has been knocked out of him.
He can't even get a good, decent Trump joke.
He can't make jokes about actors.
He's just, they're scared.
He came totally emasculated.
He turned out the political practice.
Because he's still correct. Political practice, you can't make jokes about anyone else.
The whole of the intro, his whole intro was like a PSA, like the really boring PSA you have to watch when you're in high school.
Right. It was like, oh, really be careful walking across the road.
It was like super, super boring.
I know. He looked terrified. I expected him in like 30 seconds to say, don't play with blasting caps.
It was that bad. Yeah, Jimmy.
And then his biggest bit was, you know, Steven Spielberg and Pot.
I'm sitting going, this is a bad comic working the room.
Like, hey, where are you from?
You're from Poughkeepsie.
Ha. Poughkeepsie sucks.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And move on down.
It was really, it's just been awkward.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But they made a whole big point, you know, of the fact that now, you know, Harvey Weinstein, they got rid of Harvey Weinstein from the Oscars.
You know, he's no longer a member of the Oscars.
Yeah, but you know, guess who is though?
Roman Polanski is still a member because that's so important.
And we know who really loved him.
No one loved him more than Meryl Streep.
Meryl Streep. He gave him a standing ovation when he won the Oscar.
That's true. I mean, this guy's convicted.
Yeah, you know, it's just crazy.
Just spoiler alert for people who don't realize, I don't want to say spoiler, but for people who aren't quite, he sodomized an underage girl on Quaaludes.
Now, compared to servicing oneself in a, stop it, stop.
He's got it on the brain because he's had a few drinks and some ashwagandha pills.
So compared to servicing oneself in the local potted plant, I mean, Roman Polanski makes Weinstein look like Gandhi and no one talks about him.
Yeah. Because Meryl Streep is on tape standing for around, around the clock.
Was it 2006 or 2000?
Recently. Recently.
But they couldn't love her more and she couldn't be nominated for more.
And by the way, for the film and I this year watched every last of the nominations for Best Picture.
because to save your audience for having to do it for themselves.
And we can tell you that the post which Meryl Streep stars in, life is way too short.
All of our lives, all of our lives, unfortunately, are too short for you to even watch it on your telephone if you are stuck at a bus stop in a terribly, terribly boring situation.
In a boring time.
In a boring time.
And a boring time is clear.
You know, you could be better off, I don't know, playing whatever.
You're not ever eating your own toenails than watching that.
It's so boring.
It's just the worst.
You'd be better off playing Angry Birds watching PewDiePie on your iPhone than watching the post.
I had to choose between that and Hostiles.
And I will tell you, Hostiles was actually really good when I watched it.
It was very good. Apparently so.
We haven't seen it.
Okay. So we really liked, we thought Get Out was fantastic.
I agree. Hi, Tonya.
Fabulous. That was my number one.
Hi, Tonya. Alice and Jenny.
So glad she won the award.
That was what the Oscar should be.
You know, very, very one note.
You know, Martin McDonough, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.
I like that. And he's one of us.
He's one of us. So we have to like that anyway.
But yeah, we thought that was really good.
Yeah. No, no, that was good. What did you think of it, Steve?
You know, it's funny. We were just talking about this.
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.
Obviously, our good friend Nick Searcy was in it.
You know, it starts off when you think, oh, no, this is going to be the rape culture, Black Lives Matter.
And you realize it's really much more of a redemption story and people are doing the best they can and everyone makes mistakes.
And it's funny, actually, there was a guy in there I recognized.
I was in a film with him called The Secret with David Duchovny called Brennan Sexton III. And he was the biggest liberal I'd ever met in my life at this point.
I was 15 or 16.
We were in a classroom scene.
He was the guy who actually admitted to the rape in the bar.
That guy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember, yeah. He got the shit beaten out of him.
Yes, yes, yes. His name is Brennan Sexton.
And I remember I was sitting with him.
Good Lord.
And I was sitting with him in a classroom scene.
It was a David Duchovny film called The Secret.
And he asked me who my favorite actors were.
This is my first encounter with super-affected actors.
And I said, you know, my favorite actor, if I had to pick one, would probably be Anthony Hopkins.
And he said, no, that's wrong.
I said, what? He said, you could have picked, like, Philip Seymour Hoffman or something, but no.
He actually told me I was wrong.
And it blew his mind when I said, and by the way, not for Silence of the Lambs, but The Edge is one of my favorite films.
And it was the first time I'd ever encountered someone who just was flat.
Oh, hold on a second. Hold on. We have to bring up the volume here.
Hold on. Anne and Phil. The changes we are witnessing are being driven by a powerful sound of new voices.
Damn it. Hold on. I'll be right back.
I have to get another cerveza.
No problem. Joining together in a mighty chorus that is finally singing.
I am drinking on behalf of this drinking game.
She actually said it's time.
Time's up. So we salute those unstoppable spirits who kicked ass and broke through the biased perception against their gender.
If I'm going to repeat one of my favorite films of all time, it's Arthur.
And not with that, Russell Brand.
Time's classic.
Favorite films ever. Sorry, we're both, this is Dragon's Milk.
It's 12% beer.
A stout from Michigan.
And Jared got sick on it during the presidential debates.
And so I decided we had to bring it back out.
Thanks for sharing that.
Oh, Jared. Oh, here's Mirosavino.
Oh, Mirosavino.
Yeah, I know. This is sad if you watch it.
It's really, Jared, come here.
So full of emotion.
A little bit shaky.
We ask you to join us. Selma Hayek.
She was quite the dish when I was growing up.
At some of these trailblazers.
This entire fall, the Me Too, the Time's Up movements.
Oh, gosh. We're going to have to chug a whole mug again.
This is something that has been happening forever.
Not only in Hollywood, but in every law of life.
It's a horrible drinking game.
Okay, all right. Let's bring this down.
Ann and Philim, you know, the Me Too movement, when it started out with Weinstein, we were going, oh, yeah, of course.
Listen, this is one of the biggest secrets in the entertainment industry that most people don't know, but everyone in the industry knows.
The only place where rape culture really exists is in Hollywood.
And it does exist there.
Do you think that that's what creates this whole, like, they're going hashtag Me Too.
Everyone, you know, in Iowa and Michigan and Wisconsin is going.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. That's correct.
I mean, I think all those, all that thing with the rape culture and all that, that was them trying to get out their inner demons out there.
Right. And as you say, everyone else in the world was going in offices in Iowa are going, well, yeah, there was some guy who looked at me a bit funny 20 years ago, but that stopped.
You know, it doesn't, you know.
Well, my, you know, my thing was, you know, so I hate Matt Damon.
Like, I, you know, really.
I hate Matt Damon. And I hate to say this, but I actually feel really sorry for what happened to him.
Get out. Get out. Shut up, you.
So he basically, he does this interview, and in the interview, he says, like, you know, we need to distinguish between people who rape, and people who say, you know something, girlfriend, that's a nice blouse on you.
Are your skirts really nice?
Right. Or, you know, some, I, you know, I could get a bit of that, or, you know, oh, you're looking a bit yummy this morning.
And he said, I don't think any North American male has ever said, oh, you're looking a bit.
They say that. They say that some, I don't know, somewhere.
No, they don't.
So basically, so my point is, so my point is, right, so I'm listening to this, this absolutely nothing comment from Matt Damon.
Like, it's just zero. A complete zero.
And he's destroyed.
I know. He was destroyed first.
I'm thinking, so it's such a terrifying.
That's the world's smallest violence for Matt Damon.
No, but I appreciate your consistency.
Because we said the same thing.
I was going, listen, I think Matt Damon is one of the world's biggest douches.
But what he said is actually, entirely reasonable.
100% correct.
Completely logical. Completely logical.
I mean, I feel sorry for what they call that guy, Jeffrey Tambor of Transparent.
He got, he joined the revolution and thought everyone was behind him.
And, you know, and suddenly they all.
Behind him. Uh-oh.
Boom, boom. He was behind them, really, because he's pre-op.
But yes, exactly. He thought he was their darling and then just, boom, they hit him.
And by the way, Larry Sanders is one of my favorite shows ever.
Okay, I don't even know that.
Oh, really? That was HBO. Uh, Gary, uh, Gary Shandling and Jeffrey Tambor.
Yeah, Jeffrey Tambor, yeah.
Oh, Jeffrey Tambor. Yeah, that was where he started.
Yeah, brilliant, brilliant show.
But, uh, no, it's, it's, and that's one thing I appreciate about you and we try to do on this show is even though I can't stand Matt Damon, I watch it and I say, you know what?
The guy was being reasonable.
Because we were talking about this tonight. Like, for example, Anne, you look, uh, you both look very, very dapper this evening, very polished.
You both look, but Anne, you don't, forgive me, you don't have your tits on a platter.
Now, these women have been walking out and it's double-sided table.
And they just have their breasts out.
And it's like, here's the thing.
No one's saying you deserve to be sexually harassed.
But this is a hyper-sexualized event where if anyone were to wear this in an office space, it would be all everyone talked about.
And by the way, this is one thing for men out there, young men, they need to understand, you're not a pervert.
You're not a pervert because you see a woman showing her breasts thinking, well, those are nice breasts.
That's not hashtag me too.
That's not Weinstein.
We need to be able to delineate between scumbags who absolutely should be punished.
And I just think, well, I, no, I'm old enough to not, it's Black Panther.
He's a little guy. I'm old enough to remember slut-shaming.
Remember that? I do.
Yeah, remember, remember women were tired of being slut-shaming and they were going to wear short skirts and no tops and low tops because that's, hey, that's who they were.
And then men looked at it and said things and now the men are, are, are, are.
I also, I also think if you take sex out of the workplace, no one wants to go to work anymore because everyone goes, everyone goes to work.
It's like, you know, you want someone to say, you look very nice in that top.
I like that top on you.
Well, Jordan Peterson got raked over the coals by Vice for talking about lipstick and rouge and how this mimics sort of sexual arousal and these are part of biological evolutionary mechanisms.
It's like, are you saying, are you saying women shouldn't wear makeup in the workplace?
He said, well, I don't know.
Basically, he was saying if you're talking about eliminating any kind of sexual relationships in the workplace, maybe.
And he's not saying you should, but they were, he was saying that is inherently.
What was that? Jordan Peterson.
Dr. Jordan Peterson. Yeah, hold on a second.
Wait, hold on a second. We're looking at best screenplay right now.
Who would you give best screenplay?
You two. Oh, he did the gay one.
Oh, he did the gay one? Yeah.
And the Oscar goes to.
Hold on, let's see. James, I agree.
Call Me By Your Name.
The gay one. You were right.
I didn't see Call Me By Your Name.
That's a gay film. That's a gay film?
I've seen it because you didn't, and you didn't need to.
I got the screeners, but that one didn't make it into the Blu-ray.
Yeah, you know.
There's just something in the DVDs.
What is it? Is that a sexual innuendo?
Was that a sexual innuendo?
No, it wasn't. It wasn't, but I wish I could claim it.
It didn't make it into the Blu-ray.
It didn't make it into the Blu-ray.
No, this is, I really have not, as a matter of fact, I don't even think I got the screener to Call Me By Your Name, which is funny.
You didn't get the screener. You didn't get the screener.
I definitely got Dallas Buyers Club.
I remember that. I remember watching Jared Leto bitch about AIDS, and I was going like, well, hold on a second.
You're an intravenous heroin user who has promiscuous sex with every dude you can in Texas.
Like, you're on borrowed time.
I mean, it's sad, but it's not entirely surprising.
It's not entirely unexpected.
Exactly. Plot twist.
There is no plot twist.
Plot twist. There is no plot twist.
Okay, listen. We do have to get going.
I could talk with you two all night, but I know you want to watch the Oscars because you two actually work in the industry and create films.
We do. But unfortunately, go ahead.
And we're so excited. We're so excited for you guys and for your audience to all see the movie when it comes out in October.
We'll obviously be talking to you before that.
But it was so, I mean, you know, anyway, this has been so great.
And you guys look, can I just say, and get Jared, get off the phone.
Not get Jared. That's what I keep telling him.
I don't know what he's doing. He's on the phone.
It's like, what does it take? You're on a live broadcast.
With tens of thousands.
More people are watching you than Jimmy Kimmel.
And he's texting in one person.
You guys look fabulous.
We really like what you're wearing.
We think we look very good.
I'm a servant of the people. You do both look great.
Hey, hey, hey, Philem, can you take off your hat?
Let me see. Is your hair, what's your hair going on now?
Is it still, uh, okay, there you go.
Oh, okay. Can I just tell you something about Philem's hair?
Yeah. That color, that is caused by global warming.
Is it? What, because, why?
Just because of the ocean? He used to have curly, curly brown hair.
He came to America, to California, and it's like that now.
And that is, that is what happens.
That is global warming.
Well, last time I saw him at CPAC a few years ago, he had bleached it like he was the real Philem Shady.
So, you know what, Philem, I think you go with it and, uh, just act your age because it's very becoming.
Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you, everyone. We love Ladder at Crowder.
Thank you both. Go take some N-acetylcysteine so your liver can handle it.
We'll see you tomorrow morning. All right.
That was Anne McElhinney and Philem McAleer.
Lovely couple. Oh, Mac.
I gave you some of that before. That's what they give you if you have alcohol poisoning in the, uh, in the, uh, the ICU. Just go see, uh, go see Ferguson play.
It's not showing anywhere, but.
It's not showing anywhere, but Gosnell movie.
Gosnell movie. Hold on a second. Let's see the next award.
What do you got? I'm not going to lie to you.
You look pretty good. Studio head Samuel Goldwyn once told six-time Oscar.
No. Billy Wilder.
No gingers at the Oscars.
Now just go home and word it in.
That's one of the biggest problems writer's face.
This has been going on for. People think what they do.
Only an hour and 37. No.
Two hours and 37 minutes?
Two hours and 37 minutes. These women and men are master storytellers.
They work so hard to make it look so easy.
Here are the nominees for best original screenplay.
Actually, don't mind her. I feel like she kind of minds her business and just acts.
Think sick. Reminds of fusing.
He's accused buster. Just doesn't national.
Not like Hollywood. You know, no one saw this movie.
Get out. Lady Bird.
Written by. I didn't see Lady Bird. I know my brother liked it, but he's kind of a hipster when it comes to movies.
The shape of water. Screenplay.
That's the interspecies relational film.
It's a niche. Three billboards outside.
Richard Gere loves it.
Big man. Because if you soak a gerbil in water.
No, Richard. Did you even read the screener?
No. Jordan Peele.
Of course. All right.
Let's see what Jordan Peele does because we're running low on dragon's milk.
Spent computer. Can you bring up the drinking game?
Bring it up really quick. The drinking game rules.
Trump fear. It's 2018. It's time.
Feminism. Equality. Diversity. Climate change.
Assault law in NRA. Borders wall.
Gun violence. Fascism. Immigration. Sexual harassment.
Or anything under the umbrella of topics thereof.
Let's see what Jordan Peele has to say because I used to love Jordan.
I used to love Key and Peele.
Please don't ruin this. Hey, look. It's Fat Michael Moore.
If you can actually call him that.
That's the thing. Thank you.
You guys are going to mess up my jet ski.
Hold up. This means so much to me.
I stopped writing this movie about 20 times because I thought it was impossible.
I thought it wasn't going to work.
I thought no one would ever make this movie.
But I kept coming back to it because I knew if someone let me make this movie that people would hear it and people would see it.
So I want to dedicate this to all the people who raised my voice and let me make this movie.
Donna, Ron at Universal.
Everybody. QC, Sean, Ted, Bea, Jason at Blumhouse.
You guys, thank you so much.
To the cast and crew, I love you.
Thank you so much. My wife who supported me through this whole process.
My mother who taught me to love even in the face of hate.
And to everybody who went and saw this movie.
Everybody who bought a ticket.
Who told somebody to buy a ticket.
Thank you. I love you for shouting out at the theater.
For shouting out at the screen.
Let's keep going. Brian Roberts, thank you.
I love you all. Thank you so much.
Good night. How old is he?
Good. You know, that's a good speech.
Like I said, I feel as though they want him to be something that he isn't.
I think I feel. That was not, like if you were a Black Lives Matter activist.
This guy is, if you watch Key and Peel, very funny.
Very reminiscent of Chappelle.
You had Chappelle and he had the dark ears of Carlos Mencia.
Then you have Key and Peel.
They made fun of themselves.
They made fun of black culture. They made fun of white culture.
That was a guy who was simply genuinely, it seemed like he was genuinely happy with getting an award.
Isn't this Vanessa Williams' brother?
Nah, he's someone else. That was the guy.
Anyway, apparently.
I'm going to get flack for that. But I feel like Peel, they want him to be something that he isn't.
I don't think he, it's a wide open mantle for him to take too.
I don't think he signed up for the activism.
Which is funny because like usually when it's presented to somebody, they're like, you know what, that's a platform.
I'll take it. I don't feel like he's really grabbed a hold of it.
It's such an easy, like they, I mean, Kimmel came out and basically said, listen everybody, please say the things we want you to say.
And he didn't take the bait, which makes me think he's at the most a relatively moderate.
All right, we're going to go to commercial break so I can use the restroom again because this is getting the best of me.
We're going to, home stretch here.
Do we have any more guests? No, we're good.
Oh, Matt Iceman. Damn it, Matt.
Okay. What's the next commercial here we have?
A little bit of a classic, never ending story.
Never ending story.
This is terrible. So this is, for those who don't remember, actually, I think it was nominated for original score.
Never ending story. It was great.
This was done before we move into our new studio, clearly.
This is Well watch it
I I
I Watch the news look at what you see
I The media another Russia's story
Talk more about Putin and all the Russian hats No evidence is needed
me This is, well, watch it.
It was great.
This is, well, watch it.
A never-ending story Documents
Claimed by those at Buzzfeed Prostitutes
They just like to pee Turned out it was fake news
From BuzzFeed and CNN Yeah
watch it. This is, well, watch it.
This is, well, watch it.
To keep this Russia never-ending story Never-ending story
Never-ending story I know, a bit of false advertising there because that video
did end.
you Who is doing, let me hear what this guy's saying with the pockmarks.
I've been honored at the Oscars.
Let's take a moment now to pay tribute to these powerful films that shine.
Oh, it's a tribute. A great spotlight on those who have fought for freedom.
Look at that. Look at that. Around the world.
I told you, it's a full beard. It's not even full.
Is that Khan?
Oh, God. He's doing Native American bullshit.
Please. Please.
Stop. Stop.
Go drink your fire water and smoke your American spirits, you affected prick.
I know that Matt Eisenman is so nice as our next guest, but he had to have expected some of this.
Oh, Demi Moore.
Is that Matthew Modine? Oh, there you go.
You got Americans tonight. Oh, wow.
I really can make it through five beers, including two 12% beers.
Tell yourself, it happened.
So you could save the lives of two or three or ten others.
This tells you what the night is like.
This is the most inspiring portion of the evening.
You never understand what's about the man next to you.
What difference you think you can make with all this madness?
I remember back when Sean Penn wasn't allowed at the Oscars.
Do you remember that?
He said he would never attend it because it was a bunch of affected industry bastards, and then all of a sudden he became that guy.
He gets the VIP pass.
Yeah, now I guess he gets the Fastlane pass.
All right. Are they going to give us Fastlane?
Let's really quickly go to our next guest.
Let's bring him up. I love him.
You know him. You hopefully love him.
You can follow him on the Twitter, at Matt Iceman.
He is, of course, the host of American Ninja Warrior.
And he got me and my wife fast passes to Harry Potter World.
Matt Iceman, how are you, sir? I'm doing well, gentlemen.
You're looking very dapper for the evening.
We're doing our best. Are you calling from your garage?
No. Can you not see me?
I'm in my office. It doesn't look like an office.
Thank you.
Aren't you a doctor? Wait.
You can see my medical degrees right there.
Okay. All right. I know.
I actually just got back into L.A. I was at the Arnold Classic in Columbus, Ohio.
So I just flew back and drove right by the Oscars.
And I haven't watched anything other than what I've watched on your show.
Well, hold on a second. Let's bring up Jimmy Kimmel while you're sitting there so you can hear what he's talking about.
He looks tired. And then they have to tell you they cloned your dog.
Hold on. Anyway, I want to see what he's introducing next, Matt.
Barbara and her dogs Lentil and Yentl.
In L.A., even our pets are remakes.
It's really something else.
And by the way, to those who say we're all a bunch of out-of-touch Hollywood elites, I'll have you know that each of the 45 million Ferozki crystals on this stage tonight represents humility.
Okay. I'll give him that one.
Our next presenter has been in dozens of big movies, including Speed, Gravity, and Crash, which also happen to be the three main reasons never to get in a plane with Harrison Ford.
Please welcome Sandra Bullock.
And Matt, believe me, we're not holding you.
We just want to make sure we're not missing.
Yeah, no. Because we've just played. We've had the opportunity to drink.
We wasted too much time with SS or Esquire.
Sandra Bullock, hold on, is looking like Mr.
Marbles from that Seinfeld episode.
Let's see what she has to say. It's really bright.
That's her complaining, by the way.
It looks amazing.
Everything looks really great.
But, you know, the lighting is just really well lit.
But can we just dim it just a little bit so I can, you know, go back to my 40s?
She's looking like Janet Jackson.
No, Laura. No, Laura. 39.
Am I the one who sees this? 39.
She's looking like Michael Jackson a little bit.
No, 35. And then she was my biggest crush of the kids.
That's a sweet spot. A real shame.
Thank goodness I'm not presenting with Gal Gadot tonight.
You're going to expect her to start passing out the Jesus juice.
You know what I'm saying? Okay, cinematography is her award envelope.
So, okay. So, Matt Eisman, thank you so much, by the way.
You got me violently ill.
But my wife loved Harry Potter World.
For those who don't know, Matt Eisman, one celebrity apprentice, and he actually knew everything about Harry Potter.
He's a huge Harry Potter nerd.
My wife is.
I'm not sure if you two have corresponded without my knowledge.
I wouldn't be surprised. But thank you very much.
Matt is true blue. He got us fast past Harry Potter World.
Good guy, Matt. And my wife wants to thank you.
America loves you. Yeah, no, it was great.
I loved seeing you guys enjoy it, or her, as much as I did, anyway.
You, not so much.
I have a feeling you just wanted to go do push-ups.
I just got so sick.
I got, I get, when I was a kid.
Those motion rides are a little difficult.
They are a little difficult. Because I'm looking at not Jay Jared's outfit right now.
Yes, a little bit. Well, when he, and especially when he does that.
Although I did like you in that Falcor video looking like a flock of seagulls, buddy.
So, Matt, you just got back to L.A. When can we expect the suicide letter?
I was, it was so great being at that.
This weekend, being in Columbus, Ohio at the Arnold Classic.
And watching the bodybuilding, the powerlifting.
We got to watch The Mountain.
Beat Brian Shaw. Did he win World's Strongest Man, The Mountain?
The Mountain won.
He took a 400-pound rail axle and pressed it over his head three times.
Which, it's a two-and-a-half-inch bar.
And it was cool. Because, again, I was there with Schwarzenegger.
So, you're, I've never seen anything.
It's like being with Jesus.
Like, the Arnold Classic.
Matt, hold on a second.
We're going to get letters. The guy pressed some weight over his head.
He didn't turn water to wine.
It was, but it was amazing.
Everywhere he went, they had a quarter million attendees over three days.
And just seeing that.
Hey, can I ask you really quickly?
Was Zaviskas still there?
Or was he out this year?
Because, just so you know, Brian Shaw and Zaviskas had a, he's a Russian guy or, I don't know, Lithuanian.
Yeah, he was. I think he injured himself, though, in the final lift.
Okay. And he tore his shoulder. There's, for those who haven't seen the documentary, there's a documentary on it.
And they go out and they do a log lift.
And Brian Shaw is the American guy.
He's won, like, twice.
And this guy, the Mountain from Game of Thrones, he's been in a few, actually, I think, Academy-nominated films now.
He's never quite won.
And this guy, this Eastern Block guy, Zaviskas, Zavikas, but I remember there's this scene, if you want to watch a great documentary, and a lot of people look past this, Matt, because they think they're meatheads.
I think it was Born Strong.
And they're sitting there, and they're watching.
You know, they go out and they have to lift this log.
I think it's 400 pounds and put it overhead, but it's kind of asymmetrical.
It's hard to lift. And this Eastern Block guy, Zaviskas, Zavikas comes out.
They've all, like, they're struggling to get it up once.
And he comes out, doom, like a piston.
He does it eight times. And if you want to talk about human drama, the human condition, you can see Brian Shaw and, at that point, Eddie Hall just go.
And their dreams shatter.
This guy was untouchable.
But now he's pretty old. Well, and that was what was interesting.
We only got to see the final event.
But to see one of the guys, I don't think it was Zavikas.
He was one of the earlier guys who was out of contention but threw it up four times.
And we're talking about a rail axle.
So, again, you know, as Ripito would point out, this isn't the standard bar we use where you can get the thumb lock, as they were pointing out.
It's so thick, and it had no rotation.
And just to see these guys, just the effort they were putting into it, the sacrifice in their bodies, and then to go up to them and shake hands with Brian Shaw.
I'm 6'4", 250 right now.
I'm not in the best shape. But I'm a decent-sized guy.
You're a big dude. And this guy warped me.
Just my hand was swallowed up in his.
And it was fun to see that.
Did you tweet hashtag me too after he shook your hand?
Did you? No.
I'm not going near that right now.
Not in Hollywood. They will come kick my door.
You're done and drag me out.
You too, Weisman!
You're going to paint lamb's blood above your door.
I honestly, like, again, I love the movies.
To me, going to the movies is church.
And I can't stand the Oscars because I feel like it's them telling us what we should like rather than what we do like.
And I don't mind celebrating different things.
And I thought, Jordan Peele, like you just said, I thought he gave a great speech.
And I agree. I think the representation is a fair point for them to make.
And it's great. But I don't like it being, again, forced down the throat.
And as I look at the movies that are nominated, again, I think of, I enjoyed Deadpool.
I think that was last year, though.
What were your favorite movies of this year?
If you had to pick a couple. I really enjoyed Dunkirk.
Dunkirk I enjoyed. I thought.
It was good. It was good.
I guess I liked, I thought, kind of telling a different story of World War II. And I also thought that it was all practical.
I just appreciated the way Nolan visually told the story.
But Call Me By Your Name, I thought was really uncomfortable to watch.
You like Dunkirk? You like watching the bombs?
And then you like watch Call By Your Name?
Huh?
You like some of that hockey foot film?
Huh?
I think he needs a little more dragon's blood here, Jerry.
You got Ivan?
Huh?
You like some, uh, equation air ball in the wind?
It's quite a bum, huh?
Sorry, I'm gonna go all that again.
This is clearly a testament to how the drinking game has been going.
Well, apparently I'm dressed like Tony Clifton, so we just have to bring it out every now and then.
So you like two fruitcakes sitting there with that film Call Me By Your Name?
Call Me By Your Gate? It was the most boring film I felt.
And I also felt that, particularly given Kevin Spacey this year, I didn't get the ages of those two.
But I thought the relationship might have been a little inappropriate.
I'm surprised as to the fact that it had been a guy and a girl that they probably would have said this is not appropriate.
That's why Armie Hammer was at the Oscars.
Why? It wasn't because of him playing opposite Tonto.
It was Call Me By Your Name, right?
Johnny Depp? That role in The Lone Ranger?
That was the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
That and John Leguizamo as a pest and Hudson Hawk.
I was in Suttons Bay, Michigan.
It's this old classic theater, so they only have one film playing.
And they had the Lone Ranger playing with Armie Hammer and Johnny Depp.
And I sat down with my 92-year-old grandmother.
Bad. My in-laws was like, oh my God, trust me, not all modern films are this bad.
She's like, I miss Gene Kelly.
I didn't see Phantom Threat.
I love Daniel Day-Lewis, but that one looked like a parody of a movie that you guys would come up with where, like, he's sewn his secret message into the Jaguars.
You could not choose a more boring topic to me.
Again, it might have been fantastic.
No, I feel like Daniel Day-Lewis is made for the teaser.
Like, he's made for the trailer where it's like, they write this whole film where no one's going to watch it, but, like, in the teaser, like, and he doesn't know who he is.
And it's just Daniel Day-Lewis. He's like, leave me my name!
It's Tropic Thunder, the opening of Tropic Thunder, how they had those fake movies that was so great.
But I watched, like, The Shape of Water was splash.
That was splash.
It was Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah.
You think we should beat out his arrows?
It was more ponderous. It was more ponderous, and I thought, like, you know, they ended up killing these soldiers inappropriately because she felt some connection, and I didn't see the relationship.
That was one of those ones where I felt like it was this beautiful story, and there was no emotional connection, which is what I felt with The Big Sick, too.
I watched it, and I heard great things, and I think Camille's really funny, and in that movie, I just didn't see any chemistry between them or any reason for the relationship.
So I never bought in.
Did you see I, Tonya?
Yeah, and so I thought it was good, but I had two problems with it.
One, I actually thought it really humanized Tonya Harding, but at the same time, I felt there was a condescension in it towards the trailer park people where I wish they wouldn't have had that winking, like, aren't these trailer trash people despicable, instead of to, which I thought they did point out how amazing it was that this woman, through sheer force of will, got herself into a sport she had no business being in.
Well, she was an incredible athlete, by the way.
For people who don't know, when they watch it, she was the best athlete in figures skating by far.
And I thought, so I thought, I thought, well, they almost humanized her.
I felt it was winkingly condescending, and I also thought that, you know, they pointed out numerous times, like, Nancy Kerrigan must have been like, so wait, now I'm, like, they don't even address, like, the trauma she went through.
So I thought it was interesting.
Nancy Kerrigan was horrible. She was a terrible human being.
But I did feel, I didn't like the way that they mocked the suffering or difficulty of I Tanya.
I felt that there was a little bit of Hollywood condescension in that, as opposed to saying, this woman, you know, Tanya, really was probably a product of her surroundings and overcame a lot, and was to a certain amount a victim.
But it was good, but I felt it was playing a little, kind of, almost sketch, comedically.
So I, I guess I can see that, but I thought it was so, hold on a second, now we have Jimmy Kimmel, now he's in a dinner jacket.
Hold on. We have some of the finest musicians in the world, led by our musical director, Harold Wheeler, here tonight.
Harold, I do want to say something about Harold.
Little known fact, Harold actually lives in this orchestra pit.
We keep him underground like the clown from It at all times.
Watch, someone's going to comment on that and say it was racist.
Watch, tomorrow. Okay, our next presenter is an Oscar winner for this performance in the best picture for 1979, The Deer Hunter.
Gosh, that's a rough film to watch.
If anything happens, Mike, don't leave me over there.
You've got, you've got to, just don't leave me.
You've got to promise me that, Mike.
Hey. Oh, man, you've got, you've got to, you've got to promise.
Definitely. Sounds like us after a few dragon's milk.
Hold on a second, is this the best picture?
That's Jay Moore? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Academy Award winner for Best Actor Supporting Role in the 1979...
Best Actor Supporting Role?
Oh, okay, what is he presenting?
This is a rock.
Hold on, Matt, we're not keeping, but we are keeping you on hold.
Hold on one second here.
I killed Natalie Wood.
Music speaks. She had it coming.
These words by Hans Christian Andersen truly sum up the touch of a great movie composer.
Filling the emotional spaces with music that stays with us long after the credits had rolled.
Here are the nominees for Best Original Score. Okay, that's good.
Okay, that's good.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
CBS with Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, and I'd say probably HBO now because they've been on top of the online service.
They don't understand that people really can vote with their dollar and that they really do need to entertain you, and they're going to lose this whole market share.
I don't think they realize. This is like watching an endangered species die.
That's what I feel like I'm watching tonight.
Well, again, be funny is the first rule.
If you want to preach, if you want to do that, if you want to get political, you have to know you're going to alienate half of your audience.
Again, when he comes out with this heartfelt talk about his son, I get the emotion behind it, but to then translate that into a statement on Obamacare or health care rights, again, you're not the expert.
I don't think that's why we're tuning in here, and I don't know that that's the platform to do it.
Certainly, I went to the Emmys, and I felt like when Colbert came out and the monologue is all about Trump, again, this isn't your show.
This is a show, theoretically, for everyone who enjoys TV. Even half of them did vote for Trump, and why are we politicizing it?
Again, to me, when we're supposed to be entertaining, I don't know.
I don't think it's the platform for it, but I get where people may choose to do that, but it's certainly, I think, the biases are obvious.
Hold on a second. I'm willing to bet.
It's the gay guy from Hamilton. This must be the best picture.
The film music of the past 90 years is part of our popular culture.
Encouraging us to lift our voices with passion, sometimes in praise, sometimes in protest.
How long can this go?
It's every year.
We go too long. We have to cut it short.
And Matt, they never cut it short!
No, it is, it's way too long.
Live, it's even worse.
It's boring. You only care about probably three awards or four, or maybe five awards, like actor, actress, supporting, and film.
Maybe screenplay, but for the rest of the stuff, again, we, we, you, you just feel the, like, these statement moments that they have.
And honestly, it was funny when they had Demi Moore talking from A Few Good Men.
I missed you while you were talking to this show.
Call me by your name. It's you guys making out in a cornfield.
I'll never eat creamed corn to save a corn.
Okay, continue. I, I, I just felt, it's, it's funny when she's like, uh, the line, you know, she's the one who was saying, I love that there are men who are standing on that wall saying, nobody's going to hurt you, not on my watch.
She was actually really the conservative viewpoint there.
It was ironic that they brought her up.
That's a good point. I don't think they, I don't think they think these things through.
I think they only see it through their lens and they go, okay, this makes sense through our lens.
This is about the wall. This is about the NRA. All right, let's bring it out.
Right. Uh, okay, Matt, listen, we have to go and, uh, we have more commercials to show.
Matt, where's the best place for people to find you, Mr.
Celebrity Apprentice? Uh, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, all at Matt Eisman and, and, uh, Ninja vs.
Ninjas on Thursday nights.
Uh, Team Ninja Warriors next Sunday night.
So instead of the Oscars, watch the USA take on the world.
An American Ninja Warrior.
That sounds very entertaining.
Unlike this pile of human festering shit.
Thank you for watching it for me.
Matt Eisman, thank you very much.
We'll have you soon on the program.
Hey, look, these people look unhappy.
They must be at the Oscars.
...category of incredible nominated songwriters tonight.
Not only are we diverse, but we are close to 50-50 for gender representation.
Like, I will say like this, like, we have 50 employees at Ladder Crowder.
When you look at categories like ours, it helps us imagine a world where all the categories look like this one.
Uh, thanks to... Everyone here is amazing.
Yeah, we had some transition problems tonight.
You know, I had to buy the beer.
And a shout-out to our frozen Broadway family.
This guy's clearly gay and he looks like he should be in Whoville.
Um, most of all...
We met tonight. It's just underwhelming.
...and our daughters, Katie and Annie, who are here with us tonight.
To mediocrity. To mediocrity.
...and creativity inspire everything we do.
But this is not for you. This is for my mom who passed away.
Oh, come on now. You can't just try and fit that in at the end.
He's like, don't play the music.
My mom died.
And things are going poorly because we gave our intern who just learned the TriCaster a whole bottle of wine.
That's true. Mr.
Welcome to our nightmare. Oh, someone just tweeted us gender representation drink.
Who's this now? She blends in with the crystals.
It doesn't work. Every storyteller mentions that there is no joy about sorrow.
Tonight, as we celebrate the achievements of our collaborators, we also mourn the loss of those who brought joy and awareness through their passion and energies.
Like the loss of your marriage.
That's because he was...
Oh, man, it was trippers in Montreal.
...and your house cleaner.
She looks good, though. She looks good.
She's got those... She's got those pumpkin patch delts.
Jennifer Garner's are resilient.
They bounce back. She's like Gak from the 90s.
Though no longer in our midst...
Bounces back like silly buddy.
All right. Hey, do we have spend...
Do we have some more Mug Club sign-ups that we haven't read out?
Sure thing, we have. By the way, for people who forgot, Oscars suck is the promo code.
You join now, you get $10 off of Mug Club.
And by the way, if you don't join, we probably won't be here in a few months' time because YouTube decided that they want to demonetize everything.
All the things. Go ahead, Sven.
Computer. All right.
If that is your real name.
It's not...
It's not his real name.
Go ahead. All right.
Number one would be at TPNUSA. Thank you very much.
Sound off like you've got a pair, Sven Computer.
We can't hear you. Well, I'm sorry that we didn't do a mic check before.
Beep, beep. All right.
Number one. At TPNUSA. Thank you very much.
Grab him.
Yeah, bring him up. Bring him up two DBs.
Beep, boop, boop, boop, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Go ahead, Sven. All right.
Next one up is...
If Garrett stops overriding me...
That's me. Next one is John McKee.
Thank you very much.
Then we have Jace Foreman.
We have Not A Safe Space.
Then we have Ed Red Pilcher.
Thank you very much. Ed Bill99M.
Ashton Aaron. Thank you very much.
Does anyone else notice Jared is on his phone for no reason?
I'm not phoning it all right now.
He's on his phone right now for no reason.
He's that guy.
When everyone talks about being addicted to your phone, they're talking about my gay producer.
I'm not on my phone, though. It's like a funeral right now.
Beep, beep. It's what? It's like a funeral.
We're about to bury not Kate Jared.
John Hurd. Come on, John Hurd.
No, no, no. Home Alone. No, no, no, no.
I'm not on my phone.
John Hurd. We lost him.
Son of a bitch. He died. We lost him far too early.
My fellow Americans is an underrated national treasure.
Glenn Hedley died?
I didn't realize that. I didn't know that either.
That just put a whole damper on the evening.
Roger Moore. Well, we knew that, but he was the worst, James Bond.
We have to act like he wasn't, aside from Timothy Dalton.
Sam Shepard. That was an awkward transition on their part.
Yeah, it's funny.
I feel bad about our transitions, but they don't know what they're doing.
It's like they have...
Oh. Garrett.
Garrett, are you running there, Stu?
Are you running there? I'm running off.
Shredevi, actress. Harujo Hanakajimi.
Oh, but gosh, they played it. They had a picture of Godzilla beneath them.
Nothing like perpetuating the original stereotype.
Nope. Joseph Baloney.
Hey, Crowder, are you drunk right now?
Asks Brian. John says yes, Beep, beep.
No. John Markle.
That was a sad one. That was a really sad one.
That was a really sad one. That was a funny man.
I didn't know Bernie Casey died this year.
I don't know who Sashi Kapoor is.
There was like 20% of people I'm like, I don't know who they were.
I don't know. Some of these I really don't know, and I feel bad that I don't know, but I don't feel that bad that I don't know.
Miriam Colon. That's insensitive.
That's just insensitive. Jerry Lewis.
Jerry Lewis. Of course.
Here's the truth. When he was alive, nobody was saying it'll be a sad day when we lose Jerry Lewis.
You're kind of a dick, wasn't he? Oh, my gosh.
Look at Jerry Lewis. He did an interview in his last few years, and he just, he was so terrible.
My mom's French-Canadian. She's like one of the only people alive who likes Jerry Lewis.
She was just like, he's so funny, right?
I'm like, no, Mom, he stubbed his toe.
That's not, she's like, but that's, that's the humor.
You say this. Like, Mom, first off, you forgot to pronounce the H, and second, he sucks.
But, and I love my mother, but I don't like Jerry Lewis, so I feel conflicted about it.
Is this a commercial break? Okay.
Do we have one, do we have another commercial?
Silence of the Lambs. Oh, that's right.
This one was nominated for quite a bit.
Silence of the Lambs.
We have to go to this, and then I think we'll be back with the finale, the best picture.
Best motion picture.
No, no, no. Actor and actress.
We haven't done those yet. It's 10-11.
It's 11-11. It's 11-11.
Make a wish. 1-1.
Make a wish. Colon. End this.
1-1. Kramer, I wish you dropped dead.
I feel that way about the Oscars right now.
Release me. All right, hold on a second.
We have a few more tweets here.
Okay, asshole. Base teacher says, okay, asshole.
$10 discount got me.
If there's been an educator discount, it sounds to me like you're drunk, or you're not much of an educator.
Let's go to Silence of the Lambs, Silence.
and we will be back after this.
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ And put some mug in the basket.
Huh? It puts the mug in the basket.
It does whenever it's told.
Huh? It places the mug in the basket.
I just can't really...
Put the mug in the f***ing basket!
Huh? It puts the mug in the basket, or it gets the hose again.
Put the f***ing mug in the basket!
Put the mug in the f***ing basket!
I'm not even a magical!
I'm a f***ing magical!
marceffect i didnt ha-
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i said other daughter of bothers tha ha ha POSISBOWL
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Put the mug in the basket!
One of the unbearables. Thank you very much for signing up.
At Jason Collins.
Thank you very much. Nick Thompson.
Thank you. And then Diane Chambers and Jenna Ramich.
Thank you much. Thank you very much for signing up.
Thank you, Sven, for keeping hold of the show, keeping us grounded.
While, uh... While you take a poop.
While it was... No, it was definitely urinating just a lot.
Just a lot of urination.
Dance. Don't everyone want Jerry to dance with a camera?
Dance. Dance, Jared.
This is terrible!
Alright, there you go.
It was good. There you go.
Where's your mug?
Where's your mug?
Top me off. There you go.
Beer is good.
Good. Beer is good.
I would like to say that I appreciate you.
Hold on a second. Let me get my hat.
Hey, bring the sound up, sound guy Edward.
From last year's winner to the actress, Emma Stone.
It is the director whose indelible touch is reflected on every frame.
We still haven't had best actor and best actress.
There's at least another half hour for this.
Hey, just so you know, if you're watching, hashtag Crowder's anti-Oscars party.
The promo code is Oscars suck.
We don't have any more guests.
Crowder's completely spent.
I really thought that we're going to keep it under time this year.
That's my...
Okay, directing.
Okay. Jordan Peele.
Get out. I didn't realize he directed that.
That's right. That was a good film.
Greta Gerwig. I know, you know, I hate it because I know my brother is going to be like, oh, I'm like, I just don't want that to win.
I can see Jordan Peele winning Best Director.
I don't think it deserves Best Film.
Daniel Day-Lewis. Christopher Nolan, it was a bold move for his film, but it doesn't deserve Best Director.
As much as I like Dunkirk.
Listen. And the Oscar goes to...
Guillermo del Toro.
Ah, of course.
Build the wall!
Build the wall!
Build the wall! I'm just saying, because he's stealing American jobs.
That one right there?
Should have gotten nuggets. We need the wall.
We need to put a tariff...
A Guillermo del Toro film.
No, let's see how far left Guillermo del Toro goes.
Thank you. I... I... I am an immigrant.
Like Alfonso and Alejandro, my compadres.
Immigration drink. Like I am, like Salma.
Everyone. Many, many of you.
And in the last 25 years, I've been living in a country all over all.
What? Part of it is here.
Part of it is here. Part of it is everywhere. Buzzfeed. It was all queued up.
Get out, director.
Jordan Peele just became the first Black person to win Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.
That didn't happen. No, he did.
This is Best Director.
Yes. Get out, director.
No, no, no. It's a screenplay.
He did win a screenplay.
A screenplay. They're so behind.
In 2014, they came to listen to a mad pitch with some drawings and the story.
They came to listen to a mad pitch because I was out of my mind.
Attacked me too. I was there and Harvey Weinstein had his thumb up my ass.
And I was like, why?
And then Mark Damon was like, you said nothing.
Come with me all the way. You said nothing.
Harry was like, I thought I was screwing the mirror.
And my kids. And I want to say, like Jimmy Cagney said once, my mother thanks you.
My father thanks you.
My brothers and sisters thank you.
And I thank you.
But what about your cousins?
You forgot your cousins.
Your cousins made you Guillermo del Toro.
You forgot the little people.
Because his cousin said, let him go and eat sodas to get over to him.
Amen. Little bit of heroes.
Sorry. Like, here's the thing.
You've heard of scraping the bottom of the barrel?
There's no more barrel.
It's 1118. This is how self-important Hollywood is.
How often, truthfully, how often do you hear me say, I'm like, listen, we've got, even though we're online, I'm like, we've got to keep it in our time.
You hear me say that all the time. I'm like, we've got to respect our audience's time.
Because we know that you have things to do.
You're expecting a certain program in a certain amount of time.
And we try to deliver that to you.
They actually have, do you have any idea how expensive this is, airtime?
Even though nobody's watching? Yeah, no one's watching, but it's pricey.
It is pricey. Do you know, like, do you know what the viewership is at this point at 1118?
You can hear a rat piss on cotton.
There's nobody watching.
There's nobody watching this anymore.
And they're just, they're sitting like that.
And of course, all everyone's going to talk about tomorrow is Best Picture.
And this is a great example of kind of Americana.
How fake it's become.
Everyone tomorrow at the water cooler is going to talk about Best Picture.
But nobody's going to have stayed up to watch it.
Nobody. Not a single soul.
Did you see one Best Picture? I read it on BuzzFeed.
I read it on BuzzFeed. Was it the blacks?
No, it was the browns.
Oh, shit. But I'm not racist, am I? Yeah, you are.
Well, I figured.
Better go home and get woke.
Hey, hold on a second. DeRay's not still bitching about the blue vest on an ape, is he?
Saying that it looks... Is that the pedophile?
No, I will say this.
As much as, you know, although we know that, oh, look, they're saying the final season because they want us to know, like, listen, we know you're tired of Kevin Spacey.
Oh, this guy, I've seen his spoken word poetry all night.
Let's hear this. The entire generations that came before you.
Who is this guy? It's not really about what technology can do.
It's about what you can do with.
We are living in the future we always dreamed of.
We have mixed reality that changes how we see the world and AI empowering us to change the world.
We just said AI and Elon Musk shit himself.
So what will you do with it? What is it?
Who is that guy?
Common? For the first time.
What does that even mean? Our intern.
Oh, we have a smart-ass intern.
And that was Common. Look, IMDb.
It's just Common. His name is Common.
It's like, how... Hold on a second.
What is your name? Yeah, it's Common.
No, I know, but what is it, like, John?
Is it, like, Bob?
Yeah, it's Common.
Like, Eddie? Did you IMDb that, or is your...
Bitch is Common. 20% black market.
I know. What is it? You mean, like, your last name?
Is it, like, Smith? Is it, like, Klein?
Is Common. We are facing a crisis.
You're a son of a bitch. Why are you doing this?
Son of a bitch. Hey, look, Diplomata!
I'm just going to sum the whole thing up...
Is this her best picture now?
It's undignified.
No, it's last one. Good word. You're showing attention to hurry.
Gosh, I have another 300 tweets at me at S. Crowder.
Just please. Hopefully none of them are S.S. I don't know what to do about the depression of the...
What happened to your half-Asian lawyer, Bill Richman?
He had Asian rosacea.
This country is prompted...
It's Common, you drunk moron.
They are not in control.
We are awful. But you gotta be in it all the way or not alone.
This is a matter of principle.
That's the stuff leaders should be made of.
And I believed that then.
And I believe that now.
Spoken word guy is Common.
You don't recognize Common?
Ask Dave Dowell. I don't.
Because I work all day to create this show for you.
Actor in a leading role.
Okay, who do you think deserves to win Actor in a leading role?
Coming home, Jane Fonda.
Jane Fonda.
And the happy board winner for the Queen, Helen Mirren.
Ah! Why wasn't she killed in Vietnam?
Please. Someone who's still loyal to the cause of Viet Cong just happened to be in the audience of the Oscars.
Are these sets great? They're just like the Orgasmatron and Barbarella.
That's what they don't like. Yeah.
Thank you. Jane and I are very, very honored.
Look at her. Look at her hair.
Jane Fonda. Do you think she knows she looks like Elvira?
It's 90th birthday.
Yeah, especially when we found out he's older than we are.
Not enough. That's a point.
She has the eyeliner look of the guy from The Dark Knight in Bates Motel.
An older man with a young...
She does. She looks like Christopher Walken.
Listen, I don't know what happened to Natalie Wood.
As far as I understand, I don't have to push her out the window.
She went out there to check for Biggie.
And she couldn't swim.
Technology. And now between women and men.
Robert Wagner was a son of a bitch.
Was a prick.
And I told him, Natalie...
We've sought new ideas and new understandings.
What was once considered groundbreaking soon becomes...
I just broke into my reserve beer stocks as grilled Rudy.
But there is one constant. A constant that unites us.
Peter J. Young says, still here, we'll definitely suffer tomorrow.
Hey, Sven Computer, do we have some more Mug Club join-ups?
Give me two minutes. Two minutes.
What do you think this is?
Charlie Rose, you son of a bitch?
You're a filthy crowd. You have two minutes.
About 30 seconds.
Who do you think they are? I can't believe you can change it again.
Oh, I've changed it a little bit.
Yeah, why? I just played it the way Bruzzoni would have played it if he...
All right. Is that Dax Flame?
The way Bach would have played Bach.
Bach never wrote it for the guitar.
I don't know. In fact, we're not even sure Bach wrote it for the guitar.
Forget asked. What was this?
Where are the clothes?
Deplorable communications, says James Fundle, looking very on point as the designated reanimated Crypt Keepers of the Oscars.
Your YouTube channel is amazing.
You and Ben Shapiro really need to have a debate.
I don't know what we'd debate about.
I mean, he might argue that Kevin Spacey didn't sexually accost him.
Or like, what is the definition of is?
And I would say, Ben, the definition of is...
is Kevin Spacey is on top of you with insertion.
And then he would say, it's Shabbat.
That being said, Kevin Spacey really tried to take his go at Ben Shapiro and he defended him off.
He didn't call me. He did his best.
No. Why not? Hashtag me too.
Hashtag Jew too.
I don't know. I just...
thought that...
If I did, just make it real.
Ashley Daniel Brew says, I am also into Palm Bay Reserve.
Shit all Oscars.
If it weren't for Crowder and not Gay Jared in Drinking Game, I'd be having nothing to do with they shit holiness.
We gotta watch Gary Oldman not win.
No, he's gonna win. I take full responsibility.
Really? Really?
Yes, sir.
It is the reason I sit in this chair.
He's been down already.
Please, Gary Oldman win.
I haven't seen this.
It's been in my...
It's been suggested for a while. See, I didn't see it before because I never experienced the other side.
I'm the defendant and the plaintiff simultaneously.
I file against myself.
I represent myself.
I convict myself. Thereby expanding...
That was a great moment in...
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, it was. He's a great actor, Denzel.
You can't take it away from him. No.
And he doesn't really age that much.
No. I don't crack.
And the winner is...
Gary Oldman. This is the first actor...
It's on point, actually.
As far as awards, this is probably...
Five that matter.
We're three. All three are good so far.
Thank you. Think this will ruin our careers for decades to come?
Maybe a week. Maybe a week.
Don't kiss her, Gary Oldman.
Jane Fonda. Too soon. God knows where she's been.
Well, my deepest thanks to the Academy and its members.
Come on. Call Nancy Pelosi what you know she is.
This glorious...
Google Gary Oldman, Nancy Pelosi, Playboy right now.
Google Gary... Nancy Pelosi, Gary Oldman, Playboy.
Nancy Pelosi, Gary Oldman, Playboy.
Nancy Pelosi, Gary Oldman, Playboy.
Cross, reference it, and you will love Gary Oldman for the rest of your life.
Gary! Gary! Gary!
Gary! Gary! The many...
The many wonderful gifts it has given me.
Come on, prisoner of Azkaban.
Bring it. Bring this home.
My livelihood. My family.
And now Oscar.
And now Oscar. The movies.
Such as their...
Their... Their power.
Captivated. Gary Oldman looked this stage 20 years ago.
It's true. And Douglas Zabanski, my dear...
A great actor. He's a fantastic actor.
Percy Harris-Solom is lost in space as a kid.
I'm like... You're the worst movie ever.
But even... He's great in it.
Thank you for this. He's great in everything.
He's ever been in.
Even that god-awful Dracula film with Keanu Reeves.
It's terrible. It's like a fever dream.
Don't... Don't...
Bring the volume up.
I can't hear him....for your Herculean efforts and support on this film.
Thank you, Eric Fellner.
Tim Bevin, Lisa Bruce.
Anthony McCartan.
Danny. And her amazing team.
And of course, Jim Osborne.
I would like to...
I would just like to salute Sir Winston Churchill, who has been marvellous company on what can be described as an incredible journey.
And my wife, Giselle, for travelling that road with me and being at my side.
Thank you, Alfie.
Alfie... The fact that this is a very uneventual Oscar acceptance speech is in and of itself eventful.
I can see your scene.
Don't let people know that we...
Make them think it's custom.
I'm not gonna... Obviously, I'm not gonna win the...
You know, the scheme.
Look at Denzel. You see him?
He's smiling there. He's like...
Yeah. I already won an Oscar, okay?
Ha, ha, ha, ha. I won it for Trinity.
I didn't deserve that shit, but I got it.
She's 99 years young. Next birthday...
And, um...
She's watching the ceremony for the comfort of her sofa.
I say to my mother, thank you for your love and support.
All right, Sven, do we have some new sign-ups here?
The promo is Oscars suck.
$10 off.
Are you ready? Yes.
Give us a couple, Sven. All right, here we go.
Oh, no, that's something different.
Let's move on. My mom is gay.
That's not nice. At Matt Martin.
Thank you very much. Thank you, Matt Martin.
John David Garrett.
Thank you very much. Thank you. Every time someone joins Mug Club, Muhammad gets raped in hell.
At Isle of Life.
There we go. Thank you very much.
Michael... You read that last name.
Michael... All right, thank you very much.
Michael Cicula. That's a little bit easier.
That's easier, Michael Cicula.
Thank you for joining. Timothy Immel.
Immel. Thank you very much for joining.
Timothy Immel. Immel. Immel.
Oh, my God. I was like a dead person.
By the way, I watched, uh...
What's it called? Annihilation.
That was the worst.
And I'm vulgar. There's always gonna be a part of me floppy and dirty, but I like that.
There you go. I'm good at my work.
Well, I'm as good as I am. That's how good I am.
Oh, you betcha, yeah.
God, I love you. Hey, okay, do those...
I swear to you...
What's the matter with you? You don't know...
I have never once looked at...
Okay, Jared on camera.
I want to know how the hell you sleep at night.
You think I asked for that?
This is my co-host.
You chose this.
This is your fault.
Ladies and gentlemen... All right, actually...
Don't you love how they have to put actor before actress?
Just because if they put... If they put actors before actor, she's gonna be like...
No! No!
No! No!
Gary Elman can wait.
Gary Elman can wait.
Gary Elman can wait. I wouldn't get out.
Streep. You don't know the...
You don't know why. Yeah.
She on time you mean...
They replaced, uh...
Uh... Affleck. Casey Affleck.
But, you know... I'm gonna deliver this because of all his...
How short is Jodie Foster that Jennifer Lawrence...
So much groepage.
But we're gonna...
Not talk about that.
We're gonna get on again, aren't we? This looks like one of those...
You're miming one of the orbs at Spencer.
It's always so nice at the luncheon.
We're gonna get a little...
Touch of my fingers.
Touch of my fingers. You wait.
What is so powerfully evidenced...
We have no business doing a live broadcast at 11.30.
It's the strength of the women. I'm supposed to believe she's the brave one.
But in many cases, the actress's personal strength forged in the challenges they face as women in their real-life journey to the Oscar stage.
It's a new day in Hollywood.
She's gonna kick down a kitty fence. With new challenges ahead for all of us.
But none of us will ever forget those who came before us.
Those who blazed a trail for my generation and for those to come.
Like Jodie. That's Kristen Stewart.
Who gave me one of my first jobs when I was 19.
And she's inspired me every day.
That was nice.
I was like, she just farted. I am proud of it.
And now let's take a look at the five very inspiring women who are this year's nominees...
Oh, look. Of course. Meryl Streep has to be in there.
He didn't even mess up. I said best.
Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water.
I was happy to see you.
Hashtag me too. Every time.
Said the H2O. Every day.
This is the second Oscar and fifth nomination for Frances McDormand.
She took home her first Oscar for her leading performance in Cargo.
She was nominated for three Oscars, including Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress.
Thank you.
The stream went down for a couple seconds.
Is it because we crossed the four hour mark?
I think for Facebook we exceeded our limits.
So the Oscars can go on forever with their self...
Look at this. I got the...
The Oscars can go on forever with their self-important crap.
I think this is what Chloe Kim must have felt like after doing that.
Back to back TV and the Olympic half pipe.
Did you see that?
Okay. That's what it feels like. I want to thank Martin McDonough.
Look what you did. Please don't do the Me Too thing.
We are a bunch of hooligans and anarchists, but we do clean up nice.
I want to thank every single person in this building.
And my sister Dorothy.
I love you, Doc. And I especially want to thank my clan.
Joel and Pedro McDonough.
Do not say clan.
These two stalwart individuals were well raised by their feminist mothers.
They value themselves, each other, and those around them.
I know you are proud of me.
And that fills me with everlasting joy.
And now I want to get some perspective.
Oh, no. If I may be so honored to have all the female nominees in every category stand with me in this room tonight.
I feel like that guy being shot in Cheddar Island.
The fact that so many broads are standing tells you you're not oppressed because this is a year of shitty films.
Come on.
Look at all we accomplished.
Yeah. You accomplished three billboards over Eddie, Missouri, and the Post, you dumb broads.
It's nothing to be proud of.
Because we all have stories to tell and projects we need finance.
Don't talk to us about it at the parties tonight.
Invite us into your office in a couple days or you can come to ours, whichever suits you best, and we'll tell you all about them.
I have two words to leave with you tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, inclusion rider.
What? Inclusivity.
That's drink. Stop cheating.
We'll have your mug. Oh, I'm going to go pour you something.
Well, it means anything.
I got a whole bottle.
When we come back. Introducing McDonald's.
We are in a commercial, right? What do we have?
In a commercial, right? Office space.
We have office space. Guys, sorry.
I'm late. No problem. No problem.
Today's Molyneux and Millennial, right?
Yeah, should be a show.
Yeah, really good show today.
Oh, I should be good show.
You're good.
I'm good.
Yeah! I'm unhappy with my life's decision.
Alright. Alright, let's bring this up.
Please tell me it's best picture.
Please be gone.
I really hope Frances McDormand gets an Emmy for the speech he gave at the Oscars because that was absolutely unbelievable.
I wish I was a woman.
I really do. It's been a great evening and we're about to present the final award of the night.
This is the home stretch.
Nothing could possibly go wrong from here on.
The fact that you have to say home stretch.
Waterhouse under the bridge.
Meaning no. You're a self-important fan.
On the historic 51st anniversary of the classic Bonnie and Clyde, please welcome Lauren Beatty and Faye Dunaway.
Oh, of course.
Of course they have to bring out Beatty.
I'm surprised they didn't bring out Beatty and Fonda together.
This is the annual We Won't Die speech.
Thank you.
By the way, if they don't make it to the microphone, at the end of the night they'll be turned into glue.
Thank you. It's so nice seeing you again.
You gotta see. As they say, presenting is lovelier the second time around.
Now, she looks like that lady from the Muppet dance.
Like, totally you guys.
Bridget, turn it up to me.
Things I simply cannot do without you.
No one's seen the Phantom Thread. I feel like he just has to be there because you know, they Louis' it.
He's the most demanding man.
He's adored by the women who wear our design.
I wanted to have you to myself.
You have me all the time.
All your rules and your clothes and your money. Everything is the game.
This really looks like it was made just for you.
Again, like I said, just for the teaser.
Looks like a sweaty old ballpark.
Darkest hour. I didn't make it through all the way.
I fell asleep. We were in L.A. We were in a hotel with my wife and I. But it was really good.
I just... It was kind of long.
But his performance was incredible.
Stop it.
All right.
By the way, now, they actually have a...
a cut of cigar is called the Churchill because of what he's smoking.
What's wrong with you? I'd do anything to catch your daughter's killer.
I don't think those billboards is very fair.
This is a good film. So let me know what you think should win best film.
Tweet me at us, Crowder. Tweet at, knock me, Jared.
Of these. There's a lot of good friends.
I'd say three billboards.
You didn't have to be a little home.
Margo. That's it.
Of course not. Burn after reading.
She's in all the corn brothers. So what are you doing, brother?
Call me by your name. Swim at the river.
And the only people who saw this were homosexual pedophiles.
She said, of course, five times.
Just pretend you never did. Kevin Spacey bought 50,000 tickets for him.
She said, come by your first name.
Stop complaining. I didn't write it.
Stop. Stop whining, kids.
I didn't do it. I didn't write it.
I just banged up to her.
I tried. I tried.
I wouldn't have it. Get out.
What do you think Brian Williams thinks of his daughter considering what she did on girls on HBO? It's the most vulgar sex act you can think of to be broadcast on national television.
It must be shameful to be her father.
There's a point I'm driving at.
You have been chosen.
Intern Gary knows what I'm talking about.
There's no need to worry.
This is a fine film.
It just wasn't all open. There are 400,000 men on this beach.
Get back here. Get back to me.
I know you're a Nolan fan.
It was okay. I just don't think it deserves the best film.
He's on me. I'm on him.
We shall fight some beach.
He captured a great point of view of war.
That you don't really know who you're fighting against or who you're fighting with.
We have a job. We don't know the stories.
I think it captured a first person in the moment.
Not a hindsight view of war, but just in the moment.
Do you have the papers?
The White House. The Post.
Was it nominated? No one saw this.
You could all go to prison. I'm talking about exposing years of government secrets.
Nixon will muster the full power of the presidency.
And if there's a way to destroy you, he'll find it.
I'm asking. You saw all this, didn't you?
You saw The Post? The way they lied.
Was it any good? I thought it was mediocre at best, to be honest.
Yeah, but you never watched films until the series.
That's not true. I watched good German comedies.
German comedies. Also known as the Holocaust.
You both have such strong personalities.
German comedies. Also known as that's not Schauer, that's like on B. version of yourself as you can be.
I'd like to be Martin Rowe.
Only the six million dead.
Because I'm German.
So Shape of Water, this seems sexually inappropriate from what I've heard.
He's great.
I forgot his name. I can't either.
Michael Shannon, yeah. You ever see him read the sorority?
No. I was back on Kimmel when it was new.
Kind of like when Kimmel was early letterman when he was a late, late show.
It was really sort of subversive.
And they had Michael Shannon read a sorority letter.
The Oscar goes to...
Okay, best picture, everybody!
Get out. It's going to be Get Out.
The Shape of Water.
What? Yes!
Build the wall!
Build the wall!
Praise CAC! Build the wall.
The Shape of Water has 13 Academy...
Brick by Brick. You're out!
That was pantomiming!
Give me an Oscar.
I'm a quarter black. That's just Garrett.
That's just Garrett. Intern Garrett.
I didn't realize it was a quarter black until I used the word negro when we were taping.
Yeah, I didn't try to sue you. Alright, hold on.
We have to listen to this speech. Let's bring it up.
Guillermo Del Toro.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Ah.
Growing up in Mexico as a kid, I was a big admirer of foreign film.
Foreign film. Of course.
Because no good films are made in Mexico.
All Americans. Or Douglas Sirk.
Or Frank Capra. I was a admirer of foreign films.
A few weeks ago. Or as we know it, any movie not made in Mexico.
If you find yourself there.
All movies. If you find yourself in the podium.
Every single one.
Remember that you are part of a legacy.
That you're part of a world of filmmakers.
And be proud of it. I'm very, very proud.
I used to ask my brother, my hermano, Steven Spielberg.
How things are done. Is he in Mexico?
Really they are. He said no.
He said no. I said okay.
Mark Scorsese. He said no.
With movies. I said okay.
Growing up in Mexico. I said Coppola.
He said no.
I said I need to leave Mexico.
I can see the ceiling.
You can do it. This is a door.
You can do it.
Thank you very much.
And in the second speech, he gave a Paul, he gave a Rob Schneider line,
You can do it!
All right.
Okay. Let's see what. Just kidding.
It was get out. All right.
Well that's how it's supposed to go I guess.
Right? Sorry guys.
We're out of Oscars. What did you want to say?
I'll tell them. I just wanted to say that Guillermo.
It's his heart.
And it's everything. We thank him for letting him know.
That's right. Guillermo del Toro everybody.
It's your heart. And congratulations to all of our nominees.
Our winners. And to the winner of the Jet Ski.
Which is the real big prize of the night.
Costume designer. They had to give the award to Guillermo del Toro.
Because you know. The first year that Trump was president.
They couldn't possibly give it to a man named Lyle.
This is Jennifer Todd, Mike DeLuca, John Bailey, Dawn Hutchins.
Happy birthday to my wife and apologies to Matt Damon.
We ran out of time for him.
Don't forget to always hit him with the high five.
I thought you were getting bonked by Weinstein.
Alright, so what did we learn tonight?
Not a whole lot.
I think we have to recalibrate our drinking game rules moving forward.
Because we thought like oh well you know what?
It's going to be too specific.
Let's just generalize our drinking rules so that it can kind of you know cover it can have a wide umbrella.
I'm not saying that Nokia Jerry shouldn't drive home tonight but he'll be sleeping on my cot.
And I regret just a litany of decisions that have led me to this point in my life.
You're wearing some nice boots though.
Those Sokovas fit well and you look pretty good.
Everything else about this night was a mistake.
But the promo code is Oscars suck.
You can still get $10 off for at least the next couple of hours.
And if you do that listen.
You can support ladderwithcreditor.com slash muckabets CRTV. You have a bunch of other people on there.
And they can support the kind of counter-cultural content that Hollywood likes to claim that it is.
It's a fake. It's a house of cards.
And we're just so you know I mean we don't want to be those people who talk about our numbers.
But in the last two weeks so tomorrow will mark two weeks since the change of my mind white well no male privilege is a myth.
Then I got blamed for white male privilege by that one girl.
We'll release that on Tuesday. We've gained 90,000 subscribers.
Today's Sunday. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow.
It could be 100,000 in two weeks.
That shows you how much you folks out there want to support what it is that we do.
How much you see a need for just alternative content.
And we try to provide it.
YouTube's axed us.
Facebook's has axed us.
We've had problems with Twitter. And listen you don't have to.
You're never obligated. But ladderwithcrowder.com slash muckabets.
It's not the only show we want you to watch.
But a lot of people say hey you know what I fall asleep with you know to ladder with Crowder.
It's a late night show that I watch.
And we're happy to be one of the shows that you watch.
We can't do it without your support.
Ladderwithcrowder.com slash muckabets.
Promo code right now is OscarsSUCK.
And of course if you're a student, veteran, or military you get to my Walther.
We're going to leave it on that.
My co-host is drunk.
Walther Firearms. They're a great sponsor.
But we don't have any to be seen because you shouldn't handle firearms after a dragon's milk.
Go to sleep.
Enjoy yourself. We'll have a new video for you tomorrow.
And a new show on Tuesday of course for Mug Club members.
Love you. Appreciate you.
Good night everybody. Bye.
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