All Episodes
Previous Next
March 17, 2017 - Louder with Crowder
01:15:34
#137 TRUMP HATES PBS! Sheriff Clarke and Nick DiPaolo | Louder With Crowder
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
*music* Well I'll be a f*ckin' it's uncle.
Private Sullivan, fallout shelter now!
It's even worse than I'd anticipated, Private.
The feminism virus has plagued half the globe.
Sir, yes sir.
Thank goodness.
I believe we can write it out as 30-day food supply from preparewithcrader.com, sir.
You talking about that incredibly affordable 30-day emergency food supply kit from preparewithcrader.com, $99 ship free?
That's the one, sir!
Good.
I believe we can ride this out.
The key to defeating the feminism virus is to let their blood sugar drop to zero.
At that point, they'll be too frail to fight and too emotional to think logically.
Then we strike.
Sir, yes, sir.
It's incredibly sexist, sir.
What the hell did you just say to me, Private?
Great idea, sir.
You haven't been watching any Young Turks lately, have you, Sullivan?
Sir, no, sir.
Entending any women's marches?
Sir, no, sir.
Private Solon, what's the average horsepower in a 1969 Shelby GT? Theater 55, sir, approximately.
Who's your favorite hockey player, Private Solon?
Career to all time.
All time, you ungrateful son of a bitch!
Sorry how, sir!
Private, what's the capital of Vermont?
I'm Bill Deer.
And what's the average female salary in comparison to a male's?
Marble Street says the 77 cents on the dollar, sir.
I know it, you infected son of a bitch!
Oh, no!
Prepare with Crowder.com or call 888-411-5153.
30-day food supply kit, $99 ship free!
They have pudding!
You're a strange animal!
That's what I know.
You're going to strange animal.
I got to follow.
I'm a speedy disparate.
That, of course, is the ancient art of Kata.
We've been multicultural.
We've been learning about Kata.
I find it centering.
I find it grounding here at Louder with Crowder.
Wonderful Thursday show.
Free show for those on YouTube.
Of course, the daily show is available for Louder with Crowder.
Mug Club members.
Louderwith Crowder.com slash Mug Club.
Producing with me in video studio, as always, is Jared, who is not gay.
Follow him on Twitter at NotGayJarid.
Me at S. Crowder.
I fulfill my legal obligations.
Draw your own conclusions.
We good.
Not even a little bit.
A lot of controversy surrounding that because of some of the comments at South by Southwest.
Yes.
I didn't even introduce him yet and he's already talking.
At G Morgan Jr.
Thank you for being with us, sir.
Absolutely.
Good day.
Good day.
Good day for everyone involved.
Going to be a great show.
We have Sheriff Clark.
Sheriff Clark.
We do.
We have Sheriff Clark.
Sheriff David Clark.
That's Clark with an E. He has a man with more melanin in his skin.
And we have Nick DiPaolo.
Funny comedian.
I believe one of the funniest men walking the face of the earth.
So big show today.
And we'll be getting to Donald Trump's budget, obviously.
The proposed budget.
That's the big story of the day.
But a couple of other stories to get to first.
A big one.
We did the review.
Well, fresh off the heels of yesterday, we watched the Amy Schumer special so that no one else would have to.
And that was pretty popular.
We might as well have been in Nostradamus.
We said, how long do you think until Amy Schumer blames right-wing alt-right trolls for the low rating, and that happened today.
Something else that happened today, though.
She's been accused, and not for the first time, of stealing material.
I think there's a video, right, from this guy on YouTube who did a comparison with some of her bits in the news special and Dave Attell.
You ever black out when you're drinking, or as I call it, time travel?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Has anyone ever blacked out and been awake when they've come out of it?
Thank you!
Thank you, sister!
It's kind of cool because it's like you're a time traveler.
You're just like back in your body like...
Okay, so there are a few more.
You can go watch that on YouTube.
She's been accused for stealing jokes from Patricia O'Neill to Marc Maron, John Mulaney.
Now, here's the deal.
You notice that when BuzzFeed's on your case.
I don't know.
That's an example.
I don't know that she's been stealing material as much as people want to say she's been stealing material.
Some comedians like to stake out topics.
For example, I had a bit about nightlights and about monsters in my closet.
Mm-hmm.
And then I had a comedian one time come up.
Her name was Heidi in Montreal.
I'll say, you know what, don't do that bit because I have a bit about monsters under my bed.
And she told me I couldn't do my bit about monsters in the closet that night.
It was zero similarity.
My bit was actually, even back then as an 18-year-old, comparing them to Islamic terrorists.
And hers was about her, I don't know, depression or something.
I'm such a conflicted comedian.
That kind of thing.
So I always try and be more lenient with these, but we talked about this on Twitter, and people submitted their own evidence.
So these are viewers submitted, and it looks pretty damning when you look at them.
For example, here's a joke in her special that she told, my vagina smells like a barnyard animal.
You saw that joke.
He made the rounds.
It was in her teaser.
It was submitted by a user.
This joke was actually originally found in the Schenectady truck stop restroom.
Ooh.
That's bad.
Yeah.
That one, at first glance, but it could be a coincidence.
You never know.
There are other jokes from Amy Schumer that people have been alleging were stolen.
This one you see right here was pretty popular from there where she said, you kind of minority report your own...
I don't like using the P word.
I don't feel super comfortable in talking...
Like when calling a guy you're a pussy, that's not when a woman is actually referring to it.
Yeah, it's weird.
It just makes me...
You kind of minority report your pussy is what she wrote in her special.
But with some digging, thank you to Sven who wrote this.
It was actually originally found this Serbian prostitute, Julia's call card.
You brought that one in a little early, Jared.
That's a long phone number.
That's a really long phone number.
That's what I noticed.
They have long phone numbers in Serbia because most of them do not have phones.
Yes.
Takes a while.
So you have to dial the numbers so it can go further.
You have to give more juice with the numbers.
This is my theory.
And then, finally, this joke.
We have the clip because this was available publicly.
This joke that she made is in question.
I came out of a blackout and there was a stranger going down on me.
Yeah, now that joke turns out was actually originally written by the man she accused of raping her.
Oh, gosh.
So there's that.
Not so much of a joke so much as let's bring it back to the fact that that joke is literally from the same woman who talks about being raped in non-consensual sex and believes that drunken sex can be raped along with Lena Dunham and their besties.
She's joking about rape.
Is the genre of joke.
It's just terrible.
Why would you ever bring that up?
And then the worst part is she stole the rapist's jokes.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not right.
Trump's budget!
Let's get to Donald Trump's budget.
So it's important to note, this is only the discretionary portion of the budget.
You've read it, right?
Yes.
Jared, have you read it?
Full expert.
You have not read it?
No.
I've glanced.
I'm not a smart person.
That means no.
That means no.
That's why we have you in here.
So taxes, Social Security, Medicare, that'll all come later.
So it's important to note because some people go, oh, this is more fluffy.
He's not talking about taxes.
Well, that'll come later.
He can't really do that right now.
This was his statement on the budget.
So let's start with him and then kind of unpack this, to use Dave Rubin's term.
He said, we are going to do more with less, make the government elite and accountable to the people.
It's time to prioritize the security and well-being of Americans and to ask the rest of the world to step up and pay its fair share.
I like that.
No problems there.
Sounds reasonable, yes.
So looking at the budget here, what you really need to know, some slight boosts for defense and, of course, for border enforcement.
Do we have that?
Can we bring that up there?
Boosts for defense and border enforcement, which is no surprise to anyone, I don't think.
And then some pretty serious cuts to government agencies like the Department of Labor, Agriculture, EPA, Foreign Aid, PBS, I'm happy about.
Yeah.
One that surprised me, federal support to Amtrak.
Amtrak?
Apparently the federal government is paying for Amtrak along with Rotaries.
Just to fund Joe Biden's personal choice of transportation?
Because trains are the future!
Let's fund the mode of transportation whose slogan is...
At least we're not Greyhound?
Exactly.
Sure, it smells like piss and mothballs, but at least you still have your wallet!
It is really Amtrak.
I used to do that ride from Montreal to New York City.
From Montreal to New York City, if you drive it, I want to say it's seven, eight hours.
Amtrak, 13.
Well, I didn't know they updated their slogan to you.
We didn't crash this time!
Yeah, exactly.
Amtrak, give us another chance!
It's one of those things.
I look at it and I go, you know what?
This is where Donald Trump's actions are better than his words.
Slight increases in legitimate roles of government, military, that's why people voted him in, immigration, and then cutting...
Superfluous expenses.
I think, you know, as much as I started on PBS with Arthur, I don't think that we should be paying for Buster's Adventures at 9am to babysit your kids.
Is it me?
I'm pretty happy about this.
It's just you.
No, I think you're absolutely right.
Absolutely right.
We don't need it.
But he also increased the VA a little bit, right?
Which is great.
And I love the EPA cut.
31%.
That's huge.
And he just said, they're not going to be muddying any more rivers, the EPA. Yeah.
Bastards.
And also foreign aid.
Close to my heart, sorry.
That's a good point that you bring up the VA. Because people will try and say, oh, he's cutting foreign aid.
He's a heartless bastard.
He's actually increasing funding to the VA. The thing that Democrats always claim they want to do.
And never actually do.
And he's doing it here.
He's not just playing political football with the veterans.
He does seem to want to help.
Again, that falls under the legitimate purview of government.
I know we'll get some people going, oh, oh, oh, so you okay with socialized medicine when it's for veterans?
No.
No, we're okay with it because they are going out to war to protect this country, which is a legitimate function of government.
Therefore, it's our role as society to protect our warriors.
It's not the same as a college student couch surfing.
Legitimate purview of government.
Huh.
If only there were a document that outlined what that was.
Some piece of paper with writing somewhere.
Is it possible?
Yeah.
And we've gotten so far off the beam now, where again, people just say, someone on Twitter said, if you believe that free healthcare, free college, and a living wage is insane, you're the crazy one.
I'm sitting there like, you're the radical.
But those are stupid things.
They're just things that you want.
You're not entitled to those things for free.
We were talking about this yesterday.
A guy was saying, you know, iPhone hasn't been a luxury item in 10 years.
You're welcome!
That's because of free enterprise.
It's made it less expensive.
If jet skis come in a Cracker Jack box in 30 years because we're all overrun living in Kevin Costner's water world, you can't just say a jet ski's not a luxury item, it's a fundamental human right.
No it's not!
That'd be great, because crackerjack boxes, prices have really gone downhill.
I know.
Well, if they can fit a jet ski in there, that means you're getting more volume.
Pretty big box as well.
Yeah, I'd be happy with that.
Okay, so you can tweet me at escrowder.
Tweet at notkjared.
Right now, this is going to go back and forth.
People are calling us dead on arrival.
I also think there's an art of negotiation here.
This is his first shot over the bow.
But here's the thing.
I would take this as is.
I would take the cutting of PBS. I don't know why that's controversial.
I don't understand why cutting PBS and funding the Amtrak is controversial.
I don't get it.
Elmo needs a home.
He'll still have a home.
There's rich people that watch it.
The rich people watch it.
There's rich people on Sesame Street.
Sesame Street's been gentrified as shit!
It's terrible.
Just pull the numbers on it, though.
They're going to say, oh, the poor people won't have anything to watch.
It's true.
Bull.
No one can afford an apartment on Sesame Street, except for Oscar, because it's rent-controlled.
Poor people will have something to watch.
You just got done telling me.
They don't have TV and iPhones anyway.
So, um...
Hawaiian judge temporarily suspended Donald Trump's travel ban.
This is another case of activist judges.
By the way, this is important to know.
It's not all of Hawaii.
Kind of like to the rest of the world, we're not all what you see in the entertainment industry.
We don't want to judge all of Hawaii because of one judge.
This is one activist judge.
And Trump described it as overreach.
He talked about it.
He even...
What do you think?
Not KJ. Not KJ. Gerald, you talk about this a lot.
You're a constitutionalist.
Yes.
What do you think?
Because this is kind of, you know, where maybe some libertarians are split.
You have an executive order from Donald Trump.
Yeah.
And then you have an activist judge.
I maintain that an executive order on immigration, that's actually something that a president is allowed to do.
Yeah, exactly.
That's within his purview.
I think the judge, the problem that I have with it is twofold.
One, it's freaking Hawaii.
They're not even connected to us.
These guys are like, uh-uh, no, not going to happen.
Do you see any terrorists traveling to Hawaii?
I don't think so.
They're going to blow up the Walea River paddle ride.
Exactly.
It doesn't happen.
And two, it's okay if you have a judge in there like this.
I'm okay with the system producing this because you can get rid of judges.
You can appoint another judge in these situations.
I'm not sure exactly the legalities there, but you can figure it out.
But it is an Obama appointee.
Surprise, surprise.
And then people get so mad when people get fired.
Yeah.
This happens.
People get fired.
I don't know the process, like you said, with the judge in Hawaii.
But sometimes you've got to clean house a little bit.
So now there's a boycott that was trending with conservatives.
So I'm not a huge fan of Boycott Hawaii.
They want to boycott Hawaii.
It was at the top of Twitter.
People who are least affected by the Hawaii boycott at this point are people who have already paid for their trips and those who have lives.
So that's...
Who cares?
I'm not a big fan of the boycott.
I think you should support with your dollar.
We haven't seen boycotts work.
As a matter of fact, they usually backfire.
So Ivanka Trump for liberals backfired, but not...
The boycott worked.
The boycott didn't.
Supporting it worked.
Conservatives went out and supported it.
Chick-fil-A started beating KFC at a margin of 3-1.
Remember there was the protesting?
There was the famous gay kiss-in, which was just two fruitcakes and a leotard outside of a Chick-fil-A on Crenshaw.
Joy Villa, she saw album sales skyrocket.
40% we had her on this show.
And here's the thing.
The reason why boycotts work as opposed to boycotts, for example, if you look at Ivanka Trump, you look at maybe Chick-fil-A, You look at Joy Villa.
These are things that Americans maybe weren't relying on, but opted.
Luxury items to support in principle.
A lot of them probably don't even like Joy Villa's music.
It's kind of a niche market for that music, but people are saying, you know what?
I'll support it just because I hate that everyone else has given her so much crap.
People don't need to buy Ivanka Trump branded clothing.
They could buy it, but then you know what?
Since I'm going to buy clothing, I'll buy that anyway.
That's much more effective than trying to remove or boycott something like a Starbucks over a red cup That people get every day, and they've been getting every day for six years.
So the boycott, the supporting with your dollar works more because it's a lot easier to go out of your way to support something in principle than to give something up that's a habit, and that's what we've seen time and time again.
So please stop with the boycotts.
Positive feedback's always better anyway.
We always get the negative feedback from these things, and it doesn't really work.
Yeah.
And Hawaii's a big habit of mine, so just...
Yes!
I've never been to Hawaii.
That's a thing for me.
No, he's talking about a guy that he meets at Los Angeles Port-a-Potty called Hawaii.
Hawaii, yeah.
One eye.
Big old Samoan fella.
The Seven Falls thing means something different for you, I guess.
Speaking of habit...
I won't see that in Moana.
Speaking of habit...
Playboy.
Just published an article on toxic masculinity.
Speaking of heaven...
This is not a Photoshop.
This is not a Photoshop.
So, if you want to know how far-reaching feminism has gone, it's actually reached into the realms of pornography.
This is the civil rights frontier.
In an exemplary display of being out of touch with their target demographic, some could say...
The key buyers of Playboy might even be men.
They decide to berate their audience.
And I don't know.
We saw this.
You don't get to claim.
This is what the left wants to do, right?
They want, you know, ah, my vagina, ah, pussy hat.
And then don't you dare talk about my sex life.
You wore a vagina on your head.
I mean, it's literally on your head.
Somebody say that drew some attention.
It used to be like, oh, you're looking here?
Make eye contact with me.
Why are you wearing vagina glasses?
There's nowhere for me to, I just have to look away.
What, you're afraid of a powerful woman?
No, I'll look you in the vagina glasses.
I just, there's no way for me to do this right.
So the left, you don't get to claim moral high ground.
In pornography!
You have to choose one or the other.
You think this was a fake story?
This is real.
I totally thought this was a fake story.
I was waiting for you to go, and we're kidding.
No, we are not kidding.
This is true.
Although, Jared actually did some research here, and we should have seen this coming.
Happily, he would have done this research, I'm sure.
Well, no, he was looking for the playgirl.
He was a little upset that it wasn't even diesel spread.
But we did some research, and we should have seen this coming.
One of the first writings on the wall was an article on checking white privilege in Juggs magazine.
Juggs Daily.
So, one could say that was foreshadowing.
And then we knew it was getting bad when there was an article on creating safe spaces in barely legal sluts.
Jesus.
Not to be outdone at its crescendo, of course, is the notorious Black Lives Matter spread at tapdatwhiteass.com.
So this is a trend, you could say.
You could say it's a disturbing trend.
Gerald wasn't laughing so much as holding his mouth.
But this story, of course, with Playboy, the virtue signaling knows no bounds.
It's given credence to every man who's tried to argue with their wife that they're reading it for the articles.
You better not be reading any of those beauty magazines again!
Oh no, reading about toxic masculinity and patriarchy!
Okay!
Edward the Sound Guy lives a double life.
Disappointed.
I never knew.
I never knew.
Here's the thing, too.
If you want to talk about safe spaces, no man at this point has a safe space.
You can't even read Playboy magazine.
You can't have boys clubs.
You can't have men's only gyms, barbers anymore.
And now, even in a men's magazine, they have to open it up to be berated.
Could you imagine if you opened up Cosmopolitan and just said, you're a filthy bitch?
You'd be like, what?
I can't believe this.
I bought this magazine.
I didn't expect this.
This was my safe space.
That should be the story.
We should do that.
My only safe space was this crease.
And you've taken it from me.
It's true.
The browbeating that we do with straight white men in this country at this point, no wonder the left is losing elections in a landslide.
And while we're talking about toxic masculinity, why don't we talk about toxic femininity?
I really think that's a much bigger problem right now.
I think women in 2017 are behaving much more poorly than men.
Not necessarily femininity, let's talk about toxic feminism.
Feminism is completely toxic.
I think we can all agree on that.
Yes.
Yeah.
Let's start with the Women's March and the abortion culture.
I think that's pretty toxic.
When you're talking about wearing vagina hats and pro-abortion and then pro-life women were not allowed, not even welcome at the Women's March.
I think that's pretty toxic.
I think Ashley Judd going off like a Claymate character on a Christmas special about her menstruation is toxic.
Like my bloodstains on my bedsheets we don't actually choose.
You looked like a child.
An autistic child.
I can't get away from it.
I just can't.
Is this you trying to shut off your monitor?
Something.
Good night.
We're talking about toxicity?
How about the toxicity of feminine?
How about blatant lying?
Is that toxic?
Like the wage gap you see from Tricia Arquette and Hillary Clinton, 77 cents on the dollar.
We know that it's not true.
I think that lying is toxic.
Yep.
Telling stay-at-home moms that they're not feminist enough.
I think that's toxic.
Certainly more toxic than a man wanting to look at beautiful naked ladies.
What about stupid...
These ones?
Yes.
But by the way, they are more than just their bodies.
They are brave.
Yes, they are brave and beautiful.
By the way, brave, when you're disrobed, is code for...
How about idiots like this Texas lawmaker?
Do you see this Texas lawmaker tried to troll pro-life conservatives and she's being praised by the feminist left for proposing a fine for masturbation, comparing that to abortion.
How do you prove it?
Is this a self-reporting thing?
It's like a disappearing footprint.
It's the next CDC survey.
It's activated by perspiration.
Yeah.
Really, she thought she was making a brilliant point.
And feminists think it's a brilliant point.
Well, if you want to outlaw abortion, how about you outlaw masturbation?
And this is the brilliant science we've come to expect from the left, right?
It's the same as killing babies.
Oh, yeah, of course.
And we're the ones who are anti-science.
which is what leftists are fighting for at a 20, 22 week old baby ending that life is the same as a guy reading the playboy article about toxic masculinity and servicing himself.
Clearly you think guys are jerks right now.
Just implement that law.
They will be day of rage will not be reserved for Antifa anymore.
In related news to this, actually, as soon as she proposed this legislation, most affected by it was the local Texas Allen High School football team, who immediately declared bankruptcy.
A little bit of masturbatory humor.
Before we go into a great guest, after this break, we are going to have Sheriff David Clark.
That's Clark with an E.
Stay tuned.
Mr. Crowder, how are we doing today?
Are you rolling for me now?
No.
Now have we subscribed to LotterWithCreditor.com for all your daily news and podcast needs?
Yeah, I subscribe on iTunes and I bookmark the site.
It's a good one.
Good, good.
A little stick here.
There we go.
Like a champ.
So that's the Ebola shot?
No, Zika.
Oh, so I'm immunized against Zika now?
No, you have Zika.
What do you mean?
I just gave you Zika.
Look what I got.
See what I got?
I see that.
Look at what knock AGR's got.
This is...
See, there's nothing in there.
Nothing up my sleeve.
Actually, I love this firearm.
It's a Walther PPSM2. Very nice.
Walther, whenever you're looking for concealed carry, we are doing a big show, April 8th.
You ask about live events in Fort Worth, the United States Concealed Carry Association at the Fort Worth...
Is it the Fort Worth...
Fort Worth Convention Center.
I believe so.
Fort Worth Convention Center.
Sounds right.
I think like 10,000 people are going to be me, not Gay Jared, Iraq veteran, Colin Noir, Tim Kennedy, a full night, a gala of awards for basically the Second Amendment, top firearm of the year, firearm manufacturer of the year.
Could be lots of video sketches, stand-up comedians, surprise guests.
Think of like the Oscars, only without a bunch of pretentious douchebags awarding themselves for something They didn't do.
This is an actual independent organization awarding firearm companies for all the great that they do.
There's also kiosks going on there for a few days.
But April 8th, that's the night of the gala, the awards ceremony.
Not Gay Jared and I will be hosting it.
Lots of cool firearms.
Lots of fun stuff.
So April 8th, go to 2AAwards.com.
That's 2AAwards.com.
And we'll actually be doing some stuff there at the booth.
Yes, we will.
At the booth.
Kissing booth.
Exclusive to men.
2AAwards.com.
We didn't talk about this.
Look at yourself a gun.
Look at yourself a gun.
An ode to the homemaker.
Though ladies' work is often thought to be less meaningful, less fulfilling, and less productive than that of her hard-working male counterpart, the weaker sex earns her keep to the daily task of food preparation.
Ensuring your hubby is fully satisfied is a daunting task.
But how does she do it?
What's her secret to ensuring 100% satisfaction morning, noon, and night?
The LauderwithCryder.com slash mug club.
Little lady's favorite helper for only $99 annually.
69 for students and veterans.
The mug club is clinically proven to enhance the aroma and flavor of all beverages and soups by 64%.
No more fat lips for you.
You too can enjoy these clinically proven results as well as daily programming at LauderwithCryder.com slash mug club.
No more fat lips.
All right, glad to have our next guest You know him, you've seen him all over the television, and now you can see him on the computer screen here, where actually more people watch their computer screen now than the television.
Welcome to 2017, kid!
Welcome to 2017, kid!
You know him, of course, as a famous sheriff and one of the few grown men who can pull off the cowboy hat look, and no one will question him.
At Sheriff Clark, and his new book is out, Cop Under Fire.
Sheriff, thank you so much for being with us, sir.
Hey, it's a pleasure.
I have to ask you, is that your Jimmy Fallon routine?
No, no, no.
Jimmy Fallon routine is just to be unfunny.
We just come in and we make a joke that only we laugh at.
I'm talking about the dancing because he likes to put some moves on.
We should cancel the dancing.
That was pretty good.
Along with Van Jones canceling his spread in Playboy.
We were just talking about this before the break.
We were doing it at the Playboy bit.
I was like, Van Jones is in Playboy.
Well, good for him.
Okay, so Sheriff Clark, there's so much that's been going on.
You've obviously been in the media.
You've been an outspoken conservative and now Trump supporter.
Let's start with most recently, the Hawaii situation.
Have you been following this with liberal activist judges going against the grain with the executive order?
And what are your thoughts on that?
Sir, the courts are out of control.
They've been out of control for a while, I think, ever since the Obamacare decision where Chief Judge Roberts contorted some decision that both sides were kind of arguing against.
And what happened in Washington, I think, was similar in that they disregarded precedent.
Courts are...
They see precedent as sacred, usually.
But when you get an activist court, they kind of wipe it away and start with a clean slate and start rewriting law.
Now, people smarter than me in this stuff have said, you know, this was a violation.
I think the Hawaii decision, too, it's a violation of the separation of powers.
It is the executive branch that is empowered to protect this country.
And, of course, it's not absolute, but Courts usually show deference when either Congress passes a law under their constitutional authority or the executive does something that, you know, former President Obama was doing the same thing and the courts had no problem with it.
Well, I want to talk about those briefly.
First off, you said starting with a clean slate.
Some could argue a filthy slate over there in Hawaii right now.
I do think, though, it's interesting that you talk about this, the executive power.
There is executive power to protect the country with immigration, certainly during times of turmoil.
That's something that falls under the legitimate purview of an executive order.
Contrast that with the idea that people are now freaking out that PBS might lose some funding.
It seems like we've lost track as to the legitimate role of government keeping terrorists out.
Legitimate.
Big Bird, trash can Sesame Street.
Not the taxpayers fault.
Where did we go wrong with that?
Well, the last eight years was a real strong push.
You know, we lost the culture war.
When I say we, I'm talking about conservatives.
We lost the culture war.
And we've had eight years of disregarding the rule of law, the Constitution, some of the executive orders that were put forth by former President Obama that were designed to get around Congress's authority, especially in the area of immigration.
I mean, you know, it's very clear.
It says Congress has the authority to establish rules of immigration.
And, of course, those are subject to review.
I mean, we get it.
It's this co-equal and this pulling and tugging that the founders built in.
However, I think that in this situation with this travel order.
I'm not going to call it a ban.
I mean, it's temporary anyway.
Right.
So that we get our ducks in order.
Yeah.
I think it's a trampling of the separation of powers.
I really do.
Yeah, I think you're right.
And how fitting is it that while Sheriff Clark talks, we hear cop sirens in the background.
It's like a TV show.
It's like a sound effect.
I imagine that the white noise machine when Sheriff Clark goes to sleep is Sounds of Milwaukee.
Boo!
Like coming back, Count of Monte Cristo still has to sleep on the floor.
He can't take a soft bed.
I don't know if you can sleep without the sirens and the chaos.
So let's talk about that.
Hey, Sheriff, you've been really outspoken with these...
People have been talking about sanctuary cities.
This is something that I find interesting, and I think you've made some great points that a lot of people may miss, right?
You're kind of a firebrand.
And so sometimes people go, oh, he said this controversial thing, and then it's whether that was right or that was wrong, a lot like Donald Trump.
And sometimes they miss the nuance, some insight in there.
Leftists like to fancy themselves as the compassionate wing of the political spectrum today, right?
And so this is this whole sort of the guise under which sanctuary cities are something they protect.
But you've talked about how that affects the citizens of the city, not just the illegal immigrants, but including the law-abiding people who've maybe been undocumented in immigrating here.
And that's something I'm amazed that more people don't talk about.
Why don't you educate us on that?
Well, sure.
I'm going to use unvarnished language.
We're going to talk about undocumented.
No, they're illegal aliens.
And that's the federal term.
If you look at some of the federal language, they haven't cleaned it up.
They haven't changed it.
So I'm just going to use what the federal government uses.
They refer to them as not undocumented immigrants.
They're illegal aliens.
Look, you cannot allow people...
To trespass into your country, to come into your country eagerly and set up a residency.
You cannot do that.
And there's a number of reasons why we need rules on legal immigration.
One of them is that there are national and domestic security issues.
A lot of the drugs that are pouring into the United States, especially with the heroin crisis, are coming through our poorest border.
Another reason Is to prevent the spread of infectious diseases.
Right now I hear there's a yellow fever epidemic that has sprung up somewhere in Latin America.
And so you want to be able to protect your borders so that stuff doesn't come into the country.
I don't even know what yellow fever is, to be honest.
I always thought it was a punchline.
Sounds like something particular to San Francisco.
Because we took care of it.
But the third reason is And there's nothing wrong with this, but this is what gets the lefties undies in a bundle, if you will.
You want to control the amount of refugees or even immigrants coming into the country because it's a strain on your limited resources.
So you can't have this open borders and these large numbers of people coming in that are going to put a strain on things like schools, for instance, and other public services.
That's why you want to control it.
We're talking about legal immigration.
If you notice the left, whenever they talk about this, they never use the word illegal immigration, they just say immigration, because if they use the word illegal, they know that the majority of people in the United States, this has been polled, they are against illegal immigration, they believe in securing the border, and so their narrative falls apart.
What I'm talking about, as the sheriff, Even more specific than that, it is criminal illegal aliens that are a scourge on our communities and our cities.
The Kate Steinle one is probably the signature case.
The woman in San Francisco was killed by a guy who had been deported five times.
What does that tell you?
It tells you our border is porous.
So the first thing that I believe, and it's just my suggestion, I'm not the President of the United States, I don't tell him what to do.
But the first thing that I believe that he should try to do, and this is what it appears to me he is doing, seal the border.
Because you can deport all the people you want.
They're turning around, many of them are coming right back over.
So if you don't seal the border first, all the deportations aren't going to matter.
But when you talk about criminals, the criminal illegal aliens, we have some severe cases that have happened here in Milwaukee County.
First of all, let's take a look at some of the data, because the other side presents no research, no measurables, and no data.
Well, they do present, when they deport you, sandwiches.
So I'm wondering if that's a problem, if people are actually being deported just for the free sandwich so they can walk back in.
This is just my suggestion in the political realm, but I'll let you continue with your other data.
I do think it's a note of concern.
Fair point.
States have a vested interest in this in terms of a strain on their budgets.
And we all know that state budgets, local budgets are very strained.
But in 2014, states spent $1.9 billion housing criminal illegal aliens.
Just the criminal ones.
Not even the ones who were picked up for Right.
Although that technically is a crime, so I understand what you're saying.
The first time it's a civil, but if you deport and come back, then it becomes a crime.
I don't want to get down in the weeds of that right now.
But anyway, you look at some of the crimes that are being committed.
This isn't jaywalking.
This isn't illegal parking.
These are some serious crimes.
We're talking about rape.
We're talking about domestic violence.
We're talking about child sexual assault.
We're talking about robberies.
We're talking about large-scale drug dealing.
Those are very serious crimes.
We can reduce the crime rate in our communities.
Just cracking down on the criminal illegal aliens.
I think the standard has been, the bar has been set too high, and the Obama administration kind of did this.
They talk about, well, you're only going to be deported if you're convicted of a serious felony.
Well, wait a minute.
I don't think it's asking too much.
If you're in somebody else's country illegally, Sure.
You should be made to walk the straight and narrow.
And that's where the president has made it clear he's going to start.
He's not doing raids on businesses and neighborhoods and homes.
He wants to deport immediately the criminal illegal aliens.
And you know what?
Most of America agrees with him on that.
Most of America agrees, and I would go a step further and deport anyone who cannot parallel park or doesn't use a left lane for passing.
So I think he's being very forgiving.
I always find it funny that liberals go after, like, well, why are you picking on illegal immigrant criminals?
We have our own criminals.
It's like, well...
Because they're not supposed to be here in the first place!
Right!
They're bonus criminals!
Yeah, if you had a child and you're like, hey, this child's misbehaving in my house, they'd be like, oh, that's really bad, let's fix that.
But if you had some neighbor's kid in your house causing a rocket, you'd be like, why the hell are you here?
It doesn't seem like they can relate to that on a basic level with Americans.
And I do agree with you, the terms matter.
You know, when I say, well, illegal immigrants are, they say, well, people aren't illegal.
I say, what, you prefer the term criminal offense?
No, no, no term.
Undocumented.
The words matter.
One story recently, to sort of undergird that point, I went to the DMV to get a new license.
And they said, well, we need your social security card, or we need some form of social security ID that verifies your social security.
So like you said, they haven't updated the term illegal alien, kind of like the NAACP, right?
They haven't updated their term in a while.
We just sort of look over it.
And I said, okay, well, here are two tax documents with my social security number.
In the DMV they say, no, that says tax recipient number.
This is your document.
These are the tax returns you gave me back.
I can't do anything about it.
And they wouldn't give me a license until I went back, found my social security card and birth certificate.
And I said, by the way, why does this matter?
I don't even need this shit to vote.
So I'm going through all this to begin with.
Americans are frustrated.
And I think the elites on the coast are so out of touch with this.
It's not even a conservative issue.
Everyone I talk with says, well, yeah, this is clearly common sense.
It's a national security and domestic security issue as well, as I indicated.
And you have some states like California that are really flaunting the law and they're allowing illegal aliens to get driver's license.
I'll tell you why that's a slippery slope.
Because you're allowing them to set up a residency.
And that's just the first step.
Then they'll push to get them voting rights, so on and so forth, saying, well, they've established residency, they're living here, they have a driver's license.
You just can't allow people to come and set up a residency.
Well, they go in and they just fill out a form and ask for one.
Yeah, but I have...
They don't know who they're giving these licenses, so they don't care.
But for me, they sent me away when I had like three pieces of identification.
So, you know, maybe it's state to state.
Standards are higher for citizens.
They think the standards should be higher for citizens than for illegal aliens.
But here's another issue.
You know, the federal government cannot make the states enforce No one's talking about that, but there's a cost, and they can withhold federal funding up to 20%.
The Supreme Court has ruled on this already, and they said up to 20%.
I don't know how they came with that number.
It doesn't matter.
Federal funding they can withhold for not doing this, engaging in this assistance, if you will.
And I've been doing it since I've been the sheriff.
We were involved in secure communities under George W. Bush.
Obama came in, and he got rid of that, and he got rid of the 287G program, but I was still allowing ICE officials to come into my jail every day and look at the booking information.
That's all I was doing, giving them access.
It was ICE officials that said, hey, these three guys here, these four guys here, whatever, we want to take a further look at them.
If they're released under charges of bail, let us know.
We'll put a detainer.
If they put that detainer, which is a lawful document, To hold a person, I would hold them until ICE got through with their investigation, and I got eviscerated by the pro-illegal immigration people locally for that as well.
Well, now that we have a new president who's going to live up to this oath of carrying out the laws and executing the laws and following the Constitution, all of a sudden the left's running around like their hair is on fire.
Just because previous presidents did not Follow the law does not mean that President Trump has to do the same thing.
And that's why it's a shock.
You mean he's actually going to do what the law says?
Yes, he is.
And I've made it clear.
I've signed up, by the way.
I signed my letter of intent to the acting director of vice last week.
To participate in the 287G program, which would, after a certain amount of training, and there's some other steps that ICE will take, it will deputize my deputies that are trained to do so.
Right.
So Deputy U.S. Marshals, and they'd be able to enforce immigration law.
Look, there's a standard within the law enforcement code of ethics.
One of the tenants is a code of ethics.
It says, you will, or we will, Assist any lawful law enforcement entity in a pursuit of justice.
That's what we're doing with ICE. We're assisting a legal, lawful law enforcement entity.
So when I hear these chiefs coming along, and there were about 60 or so that signed some letter saying that this was going to hurt their community relations effort.
And that's, you know, it's a great talking point.
It's a great political statement, but it's a spore public policy decision in light of the crimes that are going on.
But all of a sudden, they also say, but we also want the funding, too.
You cannot have it both ways.
So I would say, fine, chief, sheriff, and that community, you don't have to assist ICE or cooperate with ICE, but you're also going to lose funding.
But see, they want it both ways.
Right.
All of a sudden, precedent with what the previous president did matters.
And what about precedent?
He didn't enforce the law.
We have to get going.
I know your book is Cop Under Fire.
You know, I do think it's interesting kind of imparting.
Obviously, you've been at the forefront.
There it is.
There's that beautiful book at the forefront talking about.
Black Lives Matter, and you took a lot of heat for that, for sort of paving the way, speaking out against it.
It is amazing that the left today, they've chosen to side with third-wave feminists.
They've chosen to side with Islamic unvetted immigrants.
They've chosen to side with Black Lives Matter.
They've chosen to side with undocumented immigrants, illegal aliens.
And at a certain point, I think we're seeing they've chosen to line up against the rest of the United States of America.
And people like you are a big part of that reckoning, and we're glad to see you coming over that hill.
Well, thanks.
I talk about it in the book.
Look, Black Lives Matter is a hate group, straight up.
It's a political construct.
I said that in December of 2014.
It was designed to mobilize and energize the black vote for the 2016 elections.
It did not work.
And if you've noticed, they've been thrown overboard by the Democrat Party, who, as you said, have now taken on women's issues and refugees and the Latino movement.
And trans.
They're like, ah, black people, get out.
Transgenders need to use the bathroom.
BLM's been super quiet lately.
And now it's gotten so bad that Black Lives Matter, who is out in North Dakota protesting at the Dakota Access Pipeline, they've had to take on environmental issues to keep the funding from Soros coming in and to stay relevant within the Democratic Party, because right now it's not an election cycle.
The Democrats have made it clear, we only need blacks at election time.
It's not an election cycle, so get lost.
And so they've Black Lives Matter's grasp onto environmental issues, as if in the black community.
I'm there every day.
You know what they want?
They want better schools for their kids.
They want meaningful work.
They want safer neighborhoods.
I'm telling you right now, black people do not care about statehood for Palestine.
That's another thing Black Lives Matter has taken up.
And more money for, you know, green issues.
When you're in the hood, the ghetto, those things are furthest from your mind.
You're thinking about what's right in front of you.
That's why I said, Black Lives Matter does not care about black life.
No, I must have missed that House of Pain episode where they were sitting there going, we want to support Native American burial rights from energy companies.
That's not exactly.
They're a joke now.
It is.
Well, thank you so much, Sheriff Clark.
We have to have you back anytime you want.
His book, Cop Under Fire, you can follow him on Twitter at Sheriff Clark.
That's Clark with an E at the end of it.
Sheriff, thank you so much, sir.
We appreciate it, and we'll have you back soon.
My pleasure.
Be well.
Thank you.
We'll be back after this with Nick DiPaolo.
That'll be good.
you should have subscribed to the live on the crowd our podcast on itunes or soundcloud It's free and good to take it with you on the go.
Don't let this be you.
Live read time.
This is the opportunity where you get to support the program.
Right now, we still have the special going for—this is the last week, I believe.
Maybe there's one more week.
Two more weeks, I think, until we're out of this product.
Preparewithcrowder.com, $99, 30-day emergency food supply kit, shipped free.
I'm not a prepper, but again, you don't have to be.
We had the Montreal ice storm for, I think, nine days.
No power, no water, no food.
The grocery stores were picked bare.
I've known plenty of people who've been in Los Angeles earthquakes.
It just pays to be prepared.
You have your water, get that 30-day emergency food supply kit.
Some heating method, and you got yourself covered.
So, $99 shipped free to your door.
Preparewithcrowder.com.
Right now is where you go.
That's preparewithcrowder.com, or you can call 888-411-5153.
888-411-5153.
But why would you?
It's 2017.
Preparewithcrowder.com.
$99 shipped to your door free.
And if you don't want it, don't buy it.
But if you've been thinking about pickling jars and stocking up and, I don't know, pickling beets...
Just buy this thing.
Ultimately, it'll be cheaper and it's a lot easier.
But if you don't want, you don't have to!
Long after Hubby has retired for the night, the work of the homemaker continues.
The tedious task of matching Hubby's socks and folding his trousers can take well late into the night.
But fear not!
After all is in its place, and after he's entirely satisfied, girl time can begin.
And how does a little lady prefer to unwind?
With straight vodka, antidepressants, and a little help from lotterwithcrader.com slash mugclubs.
Only ninety-nine dollars annually, sixty-nine for students and veterans.
The lottowithcryder.com slash mug club is clinically proven to enhance alcohol absorption by thirty-four percent.
So let loose and just be your...
Oh my!
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
It appears I've been hoodwinked.
That's no dame, but a full-blown tranny.
Skunked again.
Ladderwithcratter.com slash mugclub.
Join now for daily Lider with Crudder content and to avoid any more unpleasant unnatural surprise This was this is not caught up this is we were talking about this the wax on wax off of I've been watching Karate Kid lately, learning the ancient art of kata.
I've been teaching it.
I find it very grounding, very centering, as well as our next guest.
He's one of the funniest men walking the planet.
I've always talked about this, talked about it on Joe Rogan's podcast.
You can subscribe to his podcast at connectpal.com slash Nick, or his new comedy special, his one-hour special, Inflammatory.
It's up on CISO now.
Nick DiPaolo, thank you for being with us, sir.
Steven, thank you.
The studio looks great.
What are you doing?
Yeah, you got the Z-brick guy in there and the...
Yeah?
Oh, I was expecting an insult to come with that, usually.
No, I mean that sincerely.
It looks like you put 40, 50 bucks into it.
Yeah, there you go.
Thank you very much.
That's what we did.
As I sit in my basement with my green walls...
Is that your basement?
You have a lot of light in your basement.
This is my office.
It's not a basement.
It's, you know...
It's the lowest floor of my house.
Yes, it's your office, or as comedians call it, the place they do drugs.
Exactly, the DiPaolo Tower.
Yes, the DiPaolo Tower.
So, listen, it's been a long time since we've had you on the program.
Last time you were high on Percocet, you had just had a hernia operation.
You're feeling better, I take it?
I was, until I started to do a T-Sean Insanity 30-minute workout.
I think I tore some stitches.
You've got to stay focused.
You've got to stay within yourself.
I love how they do those commercials.
They did those commercials for years before he came out as gay.
And I was like, are we going to address this?
That's what I'm saying!
I said that in my act.
I go, you know, first of all, I'm making fun of this guy.
I'm making fun of a gay guy.
I can't even keep up on him.
He's got the lung capacity of a blue whale.
And he's got 18 girls in their early 20s with negative body fat behind him and panties.
Who am I to make fun of him?
This is where I am.
What's your name again?
This is where I am.
I have to do the modified version of the exercise.
You know the heavy set girl in the front that does the modified version?
Yeah.
Everybody else is doing burpee push-ups.
Yeah.
Me and her are doing this.
I think this is what the Navy SEALs do to get in shape.
If you can't do the pull-ups, just do the dead hang.
It works.
It works.
It's the same party on that.
If you want a media confused Cub Scout, you've got to have abs.
You know what I'm saying?
What's funny about the Sean T thing is he's actually in decent shape, but he's not like cover model shape.
He's kind of smooth.
Yeah, that's how I know it, but it's the real deal.
I mean, all those other, you know, those guys are juicing.
I love these.
You see these machines, you know?
You stand on them like a Frisbee.
You do this for 10 minutes.
Also, the guy's got a 66 in chest.
This guy's been juicing since he was 11.
He's got no kidneys.
Right after the commercial's over, they hook him back up to dialysis.
He's peeing blood.
Those are the ones I order, the machines.
Well, it's a real problem, actually, on Instagram.
As someone who's trained my whole life, and I know you did college athletics, it's pretty easy to spot someone who does those kinds of things.
And they'll be on Instagram.
They'll be juiced to the gills, like literally veins through their lower abs.
I just did it with this protein.
And they're selling it, and kids are buying it up.
And that really, if you juice, just be honest about it.
That's all I care about.
Don't lie to kids.
That's why I did, oh, I don't like the kids.
Lie to them all you want.
Snowflakes.
If I had my way, all the millennials would be juicing to be, ah, my kidneys.
But P90X is what, you know, P90X is what, I jumped on that because those infomercials, you know, 15 years ago, I'm like, those guys are in legitimate shape, but they're not juicing, you know?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure Tony Horton's under some kind of hormone replacement therapy.
Well, now he is.
Yeah, he's in his late 70s and he still has negative body fat.
Yeah, I know.
He's in his late 70s and he has veins at the top of his wrists.
How does that happen?
It looks like the cable that Dennis Nedry used to hook up his Jeep in Jurassic Park.
Well, good.
You look well.
You look rested.
Last time you looked high.
I mean, there's a lot we can talk about the Donald Trump thing.
You're a comedian.
I don't want to put you in the spot because comedians always, they roll in the same circles.
All over the news, Amy Schumer's thing, now her special, was not super well received and now it's been blamed on alt-right Redditors.
Have you been following this?
Is it just possible that maybe some people don't like certain kinds of comedy?
Yeah, it's simple as that.
I don't understand reviews and Yelp.
I don't care if you're reviewing a bathroom at the Red Roof Inn.
Why would you listen to anybody's opinion?
I never understood that.
People who have never told a joke on stage are movie critics.
I don't understand how that became a profession in the first place.
See what I'm saying?
It's weird that you brought up the bathroom at the Red Roof Inn because my brother literally has a Yelp profile entirely devoted to public toilets.
That's all he does.
I swear!
Is he gay?
No, it's hysterical.
He writes lengthy, serious reviews, takes a lot of time out of his day.
Yeah, but so did George Michael.
Yes, yes, exactly.
He used to always review the tile on the floor that he found him on.
Yes.
But with Amy, yeah, I heard that, but...
I mean, especially with comedy.
Everybody's got a different opinion.
Everybody's got a different opinion.
For example, some people, when you do this show, it's overwhelmingly positive.
And some people are like, I hate Nick.
I don't like him.
I don't have that Yankee back on.
Did you have to use me as an example?
Thank you, Steve.
You're right here in front of me.
The thing with Amy Schumer now is the response.
And Sarah Silverman and a lot of these comedians, what's his name?
Ramsey, the guy on Silicon Valley, or the one guy who punched the pro-Trump Taxi driver, Seth Rogen.
The difference seems to be the response where a lot of comedians now get upset and blame certain voters or blame a movement than just being like, ah, you don't like my comedy?
Who cares?
The response is what makes it a story.
Well, yeah, everything is so polarized, and, you know, I find it hard to believe people who vote like you and I do ordered her special in the first place or whatever, so, you know what I mean?
I don't know who's saying it, but especially with comedy, I mean, when you do, you know, you stand up, when you kill in a room, like I always do, I, uh, it's always, it's a joke, folks.
No, I gotta, honestly, I gotta imagine, I can't picture you bombing.
I honestly can't picture you bombing.
If I bomb, it's usually because I, you know, drop the C word on somebody three minutes into the act or, Make fun of a cancer patient up front.
Stuff like that.
Sounds like a normal show opener for us.
I pull my own ripcord.
I mean, I get bored.
But my point is, even when you leave that night, you know somebody in that audience thought you were the funniest person they have ever seen in their life.
And even if you killed, there's somebody in there who said, what a waste of time that was.
That's just part of the job.
But like you said, we're in such a politically polarized world.
Who knows?
But let me tell you something.
I know Amy, and I'm not one of these suck-ups.
I'm not going to defend her because she put me on her show.
But I've sat at the Comedy Cellar table and hung around with her long enough to know she's funny.
Yeah.
You don't have to love her stand-up or whatever, but she has like a...
I'll give you a little example.
When I did that thing on her show, I had to cry at the end of the scene, this 12 Angry Men sketch we did.
And so I'm explaining to her after somebody asked me what I used to well up there.
And Amy was listening.
I'm looking at Amy.
I go, well, my dad was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I mentioned like three.
She goes, I got to take this.
She's Made me feel like a bitch.
That's something Colin Quinn would do to me, or my late great friend Patrice O'Neal.
Right.
I mean, that's a comment.
I mean, with a mean streak like that?
Yeah.
So I haven't seen her stand up.
I don't watch other people stand up.
But, you know, when people go, oh, one star out of five.
Who's saying that?
Yeah, well, we did our sit-down...
Oh, your fans.
No, no, we did our sit-down to people because a lot of people didn't want to watch it.
Here's the deal.
I've always said this, and Jared argues with me.
He doesn't find her funny, really, ever.
I think she's funny.
But the difference between...
I will say, I didn't like her latest special at all.
I didn't find it funny at all.
This is entirely opinionative.
It is so one-note.
Everyone who we had watched, it's like, it didn't take more than one minute and 40 seconds to get beyond a vagina joke, or I had so much sex joke.
And listen, I get it.
You're an R-rated comic.
You'd be at the Nasty Show at the Just for Laughs.
Don't you love to give it that title?
It's the Nasty Show.
Don't let the adults...
I hosted that for three years.
I know, it's a funny show.
I just was like, why do you market it?
Just say it.
Just like it's a show.
It's comedy.
People know.
That's right.
It's nasty.
Oh, it's a marketing angle.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
So you're an R-rated comic, for lack of a better word, but you'll talk about politics, you'll talk about your wife, you'll talk about family.
This thing could only be attractive, really, or relatable to college bar sluts.
And I think that people have just, you know, no one wants to see a close to 40-year-old person talk about their widespread vagina or heavy flow.
That's my interpretation.
I could listen to that all day.
That's because you're sick and twisted.
I try to get my sisters chatting at Easter dinner.
I don't care what they talk about.
I like to hear a good, dirty vagina jump.
Plus the stuffing, mummy!
One, but for 54 minutes.
It's just the current state of comedy.
Regardless of that, it just seems like people just can't just say, alright, you don't like my comedy.
Or, alright, you don't like this opinion and move on.
And the fight back, the pushback, it's been all over.
It's just laugh or don't.
You know?
When you say this You know, people have to respond angrily.
You mean mostly social media?
No, her.
She's the one.
She's going out.
She writes a whole post about, like, this has only empowered me as a strong woman.
And to the haters, I'm better than you.
Yeah, she's like, to the haters.
Just shut up.
Just don't make it a thing.
It doesn't need to be this whole self-empowering post.
Just go tell jokes.
Imagine if you went on there, someone said, I didn't like Nick DiPaolo's latest special on CISO, and you went on Instagram and you're like, oh, you haters, you only make me soar like an eagle so I can look down at your miserable...
Just shut up and just go do another show.
How do you spell eagle?
This guy's...
There's never an off switch.
But this one guy in Manchester, England is busting my balls.
You can't lose a Nick DiPaola.
Hey, Nick, how do you feel about progeria jokes?
About what?
Progeria.
Progeria jokes.
We got a lot of flack for those.
Progeria?
He doesn't even know.
Well, now you make fun of him.
It's the kids who age too quickly.
It's a reverse Benjamin Button.
You said that like I should know that.
Well, I don't know.
It's a genre, Nick.
It's a genre of humor.
It's a genre.
You're a genre.
What was it that we caught flack for?
What was a progeria joke?
Oh, that's right.
Samantha Bee got so much crap because she pointed out Nazi hair at CPAC, and it turns out the kid had cancer.
And so we said it, and she also falsely accused this young gentleman of being a skinhead, and it was just a picture of a kid with progeria.
And people were like, I can't believe that was the lead with the show.
That's why you guys know a progeria.
You just happened to do a segment on it three minutes ago.
We Googled it.
Well, here's the thing about progeria kids.
There's all kinds of, you know, oil of Olay.
My wife had some mud from the Dead Sea last night rubbed on her face.
I go to the bathroom.
She's in the tub.
I thought, you know, it was another Whitney Houston incident.
There you go.
Life-threatening illness.
Just treat it like refurbishing a catcher's mitt.
That's all.
A little linseed oil.
Maybe some I can't believe it's not a young kid.
Come on, folks!
If you don't like that, you're dead inside.
All right.
Country croc.
Country croc.
Okay.
Projuria.
Projuria.
I thought that was like an African nation I didn't know about.
Yeah.
Well, apparently, there are a lot of nations.
Whenever I hear about a new country, I'm like, is that really a country?
Yeah, I guess it is.
And I feel stupid.
Apparently, there are 156 countries.
We learned that because CNN, I think, remember they accidentally wrote there was like 13,000 something countries.
Yeah.
I was dumb enough.
I'm like, hold on a second.
Am I wrong about something here?
Did I forget to carry a one?
Okay, speaking of which, what's your report card on Donald Trump?
You were a Ted Cruz guy in the primaries and you really liked the balls on him.
What do you think so far?
Because you haven't been on the show since he's actually been inaugurated.
I can't believe the attempt to undermine him and the disrespect.
It's making me a bigger fan.
And I don't ever want him to let up on the media.
The media wasn't just mean and unfair towards him.
For the last 40 years, it's been lying with the left-leaning.
And not just the news.
Everybody talks about liberal media.
They talk about CNN and the news.
I'm talking Hollywood garbage, betraying white men as idiots in every commercial.
This has been going on forever.
I don't want him to let up.
Keep his boot on the media's throat.
I love it.
I'm becoming a bigger fan.
And then last night when he's giving a speech, In Nashville, he's doing his rally, and he starts to read the statute that says that his travel ban should be legal.
Yeah.
And he's actually reading, like, from the Constitution, and it says he, and he goes, well, it should be he or she.
Thank God that she is in Hillary.
And the place explodes, and he turns around like a professional wrestler to suck it in.
I'm on the couch going, how can you not find this refreshing, regardless of your political stripes?
I didn't even like the guy when I used to see him on The Apprentice.
He seems like a bit of adult.
He's not the perfect messenger.
But I love the message, and I love his hatred of the media, and I just can't believe...
What's going on?
And I watched Seth Meyers, and I'm going to choke that guy.
Oh, there we go.
There's someone we can trash.
We talk about Seth Meyers all the time.
I love the fact that fake news has been turned around.
It's time to retire that term.
You guys invented it, and now you have to own it.
He is such a smug...
I love the fake news, and I love just the slew of articles for clickbait leftist sites from HuffPo to Salon of 10 ways you can...
Bernie Sanders can still become president.
16 ways you can impeach Trump.
Yeah, I know.
10 ways Bernie Sanders can become president.
Number one, pay your actual rate of taxes that you're supposed to pay.
You won't left-leaning liar you.
He's too busy making sure that his sister doesn't have to pay for a pap smear.
The guy is an absolute germ.
Smear of pap.
Smear of pap!
That guy is just a...
Our Bernie here is basically Gilbert Godfrey.
Just, I don't want to pay taxes!
I'm not a fan of the Bernie.
You gotta do this when you're Bernie.
Yeah, you have to talk like this!
It's like he's writing a letter to Santa Claus.
I know this thing is rigged.
It's like Larry in the men's room.
He's got big balls.
I want a bike and a slinky and free healthcare.
Yeah.
I don't know why.
And it's one of those things that, like, for our generation, I think that'll forever be hung around their neck.
We're like, you know what?
He's authentic.
He's a new thing.
He was like their...
Well, you know what?
He is authentic.
I realized that when they were talking about him writing some erotica back in the 70s.
Ha!
I forgot about that.
I remember to get the gang rape.
He wrote an article saying when women are having sex with their husbands, they're secretly fantasizing about being raped by three guys at once.
And that's when I realized he's a true socialist.
Even in his rape fantasies, we have to share them with them.
I don't know about you, but when it comes to vagina, I am a dictator.
I am the king.
I love you.
Yes, yes.
When it comes to vagina, I'm a veritable Mussolini.
And he couldn't get the black vote.
That's why he lost it.
Hillary couldn't get it.
There was nothing funnier than when he was just getting shoved offstage by Black Lives Matter.
He looked like Suge Knight and just coming off and even though, okay, okay, and he just let them go.
It's like, that's the moment you lost the presidency.
Could you imagine with Putin?
I told him what he could do.
I kept emailing him.
Change your first name to Colonel.
You'll win it.
All right.
We have to go soon here, Nick.
We can't go all day.
What do you think about the budget proposal?
No, no, that's fine.
Listen, we don't care.
I know.
We played spot the tranny for crying out loud.
That's right.
Yeah, and then everyone, whenever we have someone on, we have like, you know, Ted Cruz on and Gary Sinise, they always inevitably get an email.
And if someone's saying like, are you sure you want to do this show?
Here's them saying, and they'll have a highlight reel of our most offensive bits.
Are you kidding me?
I'm sure the progeria bit will be added on there now.
It's just sort of, you know, an addendum.
And that's what I love about Ted Cruz.
They don't care.
They're like, eh, whatever.
So they're offensive, but they're pretty reasonable guys.
How about Ted Nugent?
Have you had him on?
We were supposed to, and then he was out on some hunt.
He's not just a hunter.
He sort of lifts up the spirit of the animal and all that stuff.
But we will have him on, yeah.
I'm deaf, and this is true.
I'm partially deaf in my left ear because of Ted Nugent.
Because of a concert?
I went to a concert in Cape Cod Coliseum when I was like 15.
Oh.
And he, my ears stopped ringing.
I'm not joking, two weeks later, my ears stopped ringing.
And now when I'm on the phone, since then, I'll turn 71 on Wednesday, by the way.
And it hurts when people talk.
I thought there was going to be a punchline from Ted Nugent.
Like, oh, from a concert?
No, from his submachine gun.
Come on, Steve, and not everything's a joke, man.
I just told you.
Progeria, I don't know.
You don't know.
What do you think, before we go, of Donald Trump's, have you read the budget here today?
Dude.
You gotta remember, I'm still doing stand-up.
Yes, I went over the budget and...
Well, I just find it funny.
It's one of those things, Gavin McGinnis talked about this, where we're at a point in this country where the left and the right are saying the exact same thing with different attitudes.
And the budget to me is just like, you know, he wants to increase military spending, but decrease spending on the EPA and PBS. Yeah.
And we're going, he wants to increase military spending and decrease funding to PBS and the EPA. That's a beautiful bet right there.
That's Gavin McGinnis, and he talked about it on the show, I think it was last week.
It is remarkable.
We're talking about the exact same bill, and it's one of the, well, proposal, I should say.
I'm thrilled about it.
I don't know why we're funding Sesame Street.
It makes it hard for, you know, your special on CISO to compete with Oscar the Grouch.
A lot of those kids have pro Jerry that watch that show.
I don't know if you know that.
They have a new character come out.
He looks like a pair of testicles with big...
Billy Balls.
Have you seen him?
Well, they don't watch him for very long, so it's a demographic.
The Nielsen ratings are a little bit skewed.
Nick DiPaolo we have on the program.
Nick DiPaolo, connectpal.com slash Nick.
It's where you can subscribe to his podcast, or the special is called Inflammatory on CISO, correct?
It's CISO.com.
And the podcast, if they want to listen, get a free sample on Monday on iTunes.
They can listen to it and then subscribe if they want.
So, And yeah, and I'm on Twitter and, you know, at Nick DiPaolo, Facebook, Instagram, all that crap that is wasting our lives.
Yes, exactly.
Hit me up on that.
One of the funniest men alive, Nick DiPaolo.
Thank you for being with us, sir.
We appreciate it.
We must go, and then we'll wrap this show up in a nice ribbon.
Appreciate it, bud.
I'm a wonder.
Two.
Three.
P.O.G. Is. Bert.
Hehehe.
*Dramatic music* *Dramatic music* *Dramatic music* *Dramatic music* *Dramatic music* *Dramatic music* Well, f*** me.
*Dramatic music* Private Sullivan!
Code 16!
It's happening.
It's even worse than I imagined, Private.
Sir, yes, sir.
The social justice disease has plagued half the globe, and it's become a leviathan greater than we could have ever imagined.
Sir, yes, sir.
Thank Jesus.
We could think if we could ride it out.
This is a 30-day food supply for preparewithcrowder.com.
$9.99.
Shipped free, sir.
That is true.
Thank the Lord above for preparewithcrowder.com.
30 days seems about the right amount of time we need to ride this out.
The good thing about the social justice disease, Private, is that it's a very temporary phase.
Sir, yes, sir.
You, uh, feeling okay, Private?
Sir, yes, sir.
You sure about that, Sullivan?
Sir, yes, sir.
Private told to hear me that disgraceful sausage doesn't seize into my mom's shelter!
Sir, no, sir!
You haven't been hanging out in any slam, poetry, nights, or single-ordered coffee shops against my orders, have you?
Sir, no, sir!
But I'm pretty sure systemic racism is still inherent in the system, sir.
And shocking is black!
Oh, no!
Prepare with Crowder.com or call 888-411-5153.
30-day food supply kit, $99 shipped free!
They have pudding!
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Come cheer up my nights, come cheer up my nights.
It's better to have loved and lost.
I just punched my microphone, glad me back.
Uppercut it like that black guy did in that viral video of that chick.
BOOM! You goin to jail now!
Have you seen that one?
I have not.
Oh gosh, it's so brutal.
And you know the guy's boxed before because he puts his hips into it.
It's like, boom!
And you're like, ah.
No, she's hitting him first.
Doesn't make it acceptable.
But it is so shocking.
Oklahoma guy.
The running back, right?
You talking about that one?
No, no, no.
It's a bus driver or something.
No, it's a bus driver.
Oh, okay.
It's a bus driver.
This happens so often.
Effectively, I just did that to my microphone.
This is why I can never run for office.
Yep.
Because you punched your microphone.
Yeah.
That's bad.
Because of all the jokes that are made today, from progeria to feminism to Jugs Weekly.
Oh, yeah.
Those are Koreaners, too.
No, no.
I think those are good.
Yeah.
It's one of those that when someone trots them out and goes, did you, when everything is offensive a few years from now and even less is permissible and people come out and say, did you say X, Y, and Z? I know that when that day comes, I'm going to have to look you in the eye and say...
Yes, I did.
That's about it.
And speaking of the path that we're on, you know, we were talking earlier, we were talking about feminism and toxic masculinity in the budget.
And you were talking about this too, with feminism, you know, during the break, you made a good point that it really does.
We've talked about this with the idea of rape culture and obfuscating statistics.
It does a disservice to actual feminists who are fighting for women to be independent and treated well.
Yeah, absolutely.
It covers it up.
There's real sexism.
There's real issues out there that we need to deal with.
And this just makes it to where I'm like, yeah, whatever.
You hate me for everything that I do now because I'm a straight white male.
I'm done.
I'm out.
Well, toxic masculinity can be anything from actual sexual assault to saying, hey, that blouse looks nice or holding a door open for a woman.
Yeah.
And the thing is, we don't know, and we don't have a say in it.
And that's the real problem.
Let's talk about the budget, and we'll get back to the toxic masculinity.
There probably is some common ground that doesn't necessarily need to be this extreme right off the bat with a budget.
I bet you Donald Trump could find it.
But they've assaulted him intellectually for so long.
Everything that conservatives have done has been wrong.
The last president increased the debt more than all other presidents before him combined.
You can only push so far so long that this is people like Donald Trump and us coming back, roaring back a lot harder than we would have if you'd have just let up a little bit.
Yeah.
It's just like Black Lives Matter is a disservice fighting environmental issues out there in the plains of wherever now.
Yeah.
It's a disservice to, like you talked to Sheriff Clark, actual needs of black community.
Yeah.
But it's all just racism when you just throw it away and don't actually focus on the needs.
No.
It's a disservice.
And you can only browbeat people for so long as racist.
There are white niggers.
I don't know how that got in there.
I have no idea how that got in there.
We've had that on every show for a few days.
So we're going to be blamed for that quote.
Let's put that on the back burner for, say, one episode.
So whether it's Black Lives Matter or the budget, right?
Remember, Republicans need to get to the back of the line.
I think you might have even said the back of the bus, Barack Obama.
Well, when you do that and you insult them, then you get the polarization.
People say, oh, that's how it is.
When it's Black Lives Matter and you need to check your privilege, you can only do it for so long.
When it's in Playboy magazine, Toxic Masculinity, when you blame straight white men, namely straight white men because we're considered to be the majority class, which is so funny.
At this point, they are not a majority anywhere, right?
Women make up more of the population than men.
And then if you believe Hollywood, which is, I think, 142% of all straight men are actually gay, or even smaller percentage, if you want to believe their demographics.
So this is the issue right now.
And the left, you're going to just have to eat a big old pile of feces for a while because you've been pushing so hard, so fast.
You've been pushing the biggest deficits ever, the biggest spending ever, the biggest stimulus bills ever, the biggest bailouts ever.
And then you've been pushing the biggest idea of racism ever.
And then overnight, when you realize you had a female candidate, everyone who was racist all of a sudden became sexist, and they need to check their male privilege.
We went from white privilege to male privilege, and now you're at cis privilege because trannies need to take a dump in every public bathroom.
And if you don't believe it, you're somehow hateful.
You can only push this for so long and browbeat someone for so long when they want to open up their men's magazine, FHM, or Playboy, and they're blamed for something that they didn't do.
This is the reckoning of that, where they close it and say, you know what?
Fine.
I guess I'm a patriarchist, cis-white male, scummy bastard, and I'm going to own it.
And the pushback is going to be so much worse than it had to be.
It's kind of...
You've been poking your finger in the chest of a bigger brother.
And let's be honest, conservatives, as a general rule...
We're bigger, larger, more athletic, and the women are better looking.
So you've been picking a fight with someone who can kick your ass.
It's like when you were goading your brother into a fight, but you kind of wanted to scale back when you were a kid because you were smart enough to realize that if you really insulted him, if you really got personal, he was going to kick your ass even harder.
Well, today's regressive left has gotten as personal, as vicious, as vindictive, as violent as possible.
And now the pummeling, which would have been maybe a light bruising circa intro to the wonder years, is now going to be tinfoil scraped across your forehead like a fake wrestling fight in the backyard because you've earned this and you continually earn it.
It's not that people like us love Donald Trump that much.
It's not that we think this budget is perfect.
It's not that we think men are perfect.
It's that we think you are so horrible and have been so bad for so long that you have a show like this, which would have never existed only five, six years ago, where we can have a black sheriff on the show, a sitting senator, Nick DiPaolo, then Gary Sinise, then George Nick DiPaolo, then Gary Sinise, then George St. Pierre, that we can have A-listers and politicians who are willing to come on this show now or any kind of programming like this because you've blamed them for so much crap.
They didn't do.
They're tired of it.
The United States is tired of it.
And the fake news media wants to fight back.
Guess what?
You can expect a lot more budget proposals like this.
If dead in arrival, we got another one coming down the pike for you.
Guess what?
You have another women's march?
Okay.
We're going to be dicks.
That's what guys are going to do now.
You don't want us to hold the door for you?
We're not going to hold the door for you.
You don't want us to compliment you on your looks?
We're not going to compliment you on your looks.
You don't want us to be allowed to have an opinion on your comedy special?
We're going to one-star it.
Then you're going to complain about and call us alt-right trolls?
They're going to flood your Instagram.
These are the consequences of your actions.
You cannot vilify an entire nation of people for years and expect it to be consequence-free.
And I, for one, am happier than I've been in a long time.
So if nothing else, revel in that.
Enjoy your week, and we will see you next Monday, Mug Club members.
Daily Crowder, thank you so much.
▲
Export Selection