March 28, 2025 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:50:45
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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Joe Rogan Podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
|
unidentified
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Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | |
| All day! | ||
| Big J you you you you | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| You went with the three nose rings now. | ||
| You're getting crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's getting carried away. | ||
| I went to go. | ||
| I had a cold and I think I blew my nose one of them out. | ||
| So then I went to go get it, re-put back in, and I was like, throw another one in there while you're at it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It's me fighting age, I think. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's something weird when you're fighting age. | ||
| Like, you know you're doing it, but you can't help it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. Like, when people make fun of me, just the way I dress or whatever, coloring my hair, my piercings, and they're always like, is it going to change at some point? | ||
| And I am hitting an age where I'm like, I can't just do a hard shift one day, but it is funny to think, like, I can't see myself at 65. With painted nails. | ||
| Doing some of the stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| You can, but it's also like, I feel if I saw it, I'd have a million and one jokes about it. | ||
| Right. But still, at the end of the day, you're like, you know, I'd walk out and go, oh, I forgot my pocket scarf. | ||
| I gotta go back upstairs. | ||
|
unidentified
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I forgot my accoutrements. | |
| As long as you're still funny, you can pull it off. | ||
| But when you're bombing with red hair and three nose rings, it becomes an issue. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| As long as you stay funny. | ||
| That's why I think when I first started, I tried to blend in whatever I was. | ||
| I started in that black circuit, so I had so much fubu shit on. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| And just like, yeah, jerseys and stuff, so I definitely played it up. | ||
| The funniest was having a big silver chain with a cross, and I'm Jewish. | ||
| But I just really was like, I think they'll like me more if I have a cross. | ||
| When I first started, I thought you had a dress like those guys on Evening at the Improv. | ||
| So I got a blazer and I rolled the sleeves up. | ||
| And I had like a wacky t-shirt that I wore. | ||
| The costume? | ||
| Yeah, the costume. | ||
| You have a button on your blazer. | ||
| Some wacky button. | ||
| I watched all those shows growing up, Evening at the Improv, Caroline's Comedy Hour. | ||
| The evolution of comedy is insane. | ||
| It's pretty insane. | ||
| Yeah. The evolution of... | ||
| Just like the fact that these guys... | ||
| I've watched... | ||
| We'll always laugh and go back to Bill Kirshenbauer. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| That was the guy. | ||
| I don't remember him. | ||
| He was the coach on a sitcom. | ||
| He got a sitcom called Just the Ten of Us where he had like eight kids or something. | ||
| He was like a coach. | ||
| It was a spinoff show of some sort, but he was just like a zany comic. | ||
| He would go on stage and he was just loud and weird. | ||
| Yeah. Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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I remember him. | |
| But these were the guys who made the rounds. | ||
| Right. Monologists. | ||
| Yeah. Well, it's almost like their act just got them to a sitcom. | ||
| Like, that was a real strategy back then. | ||
| You had an act that could get you to a sitcom. | ||
| That's all everybody wanted. | ||
| When I did New Faces at Montreal, my manager at the time, terrible, just gave me... | ||
| I mean, he was just pushing the old advice. | ||
| He was like, don't be yourself at all. | ||
| Like, write a set that's gonna be what's your sitcom, basically, and dress... | ||
| You know, a certain kind. | ||
| I would dress, like, for stage. | ||
| I don't know what I was... | ||
| I didn't know how to, like, what he meant in nice clothes, so I had, like, black loafers and straight-leg, like, dark blue dungarees. | ||
|
unidentified
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And, like, a short-sleeved button-down shirt. | |
| I'm just picturing you in black loafers on. | ||
| And a short-sleeved, like, blue button-down shirt. | ||
| It looked ridiculous. | ||
| And it was so dramatic. | ||
| It's also funny, too, doing it as long as I have now. | ||
| 27 years, I think, I'm doing it. | ||
| Like, the hilarious, like, fake emotion you put into things. | ||
| I remember having... | ||
| My daughter was a baby when I did New Faces. | ||
| And talking to the picture backstage before I went on stage. | ||
| Like, alright, we're gonna go do it. | ||
| And then had a mediocre set. | ||
| And all I got from New Faces was, like, a MTV2 talking head one-off. | ||
| Like, what were they thinking? | ||
| What were they wearing? | ||
| MTV2 Presents. | ||
| You remember those things? | ||
| Where you would just start talking shit about people? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, and they would just clip it up? | ||
| They took a... | ||
| They wouldn't... | ||
| I did a couple of them. | ||
| They didn't air most of it. | ||
| And the one I always remember, because when I would go back to MTV for anything, they would always be like, we still passed the segment around of you doing that. | ||
| What were they thinking? | ||
| Yeah. And it was Fiona Apple on an award show years ago to accept her award. | ||
| She got there and started quoting. | ||
| She's like, the great Maya Angelou or something. | ||
| And I was like, Maya Angelou? | ||
| I was like, what is she talking about Maya Angelou for? | ||
| Look, we all loved her as Wheezy Jefferson, and I enjoy her pancake syrup. | ||
| And then they were like, yo, you can't call Maya Angelou Aunt Jemima. | ||
| I'm like, but I'm kidding. | ||
| But I'm kidding, though. | ||
| I know who Maya Angelou is. | ||
| Wasn't it funny that they took Aunt Jemima off of Aunt Jemima? | ||
| But that was an actual lady who was an entrepreneur? | ||
| Yeah, and they just could get rid of it because no one's paying attention to why. | ||
| No, they just decided that Aunt Jemima was racist. | ||
| Uncle Ben? | ||
| But that's true, right? | ||
| I mean, this is not a TikTok myth, is it? | ||
| Make sure that's true. | ||
| I might have got fooled by TikTok. | ||
| I should say reels, because I'm not really on TikTok. | ||
| Whether or not Aunt Jemima was a real entrepreneur, I'm pretty sure it's true. | ||
| I think it's based on a real woman. | ||
| And I think she just was like an awesome cook and put together some fucking pancakes. | ||
| Some cray pancakes? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lady. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nancy Green, it says. | |
| Oh, so her name wasn't Jemima? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right there. | |
| That's the real lady? | ||
| I mean, this is the first ads, I guess. | ||
| You could tell me that's... | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. | ||
| That looks like racist propaganda. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Eyes in town, honey. | ||
|
unidentified
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Okay. All arguments are out the window. | |
| Eyes in town, honey? | ||
| Okay, unless you are an actual black person saying that, you can't write that down. | ||
| Like, you know that was some fucking egghead advertising executive to put that together. | ||
| And then the poor guy at the printing press had to keep double-checking. | ||
| He was like, are you sure we're going to do this? | ||
| I, apostrophe S? | ||
| Yes, it's how they speak. | ||
| Oh, I don't know, man. | ||
| Oh, bro. | ||
| I don't want to get involved in this. | ||
| Damn, that was a crazy picture. | ||
| I just went to a... | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I was looking at an art gallery in Philly recently that had a Dr. Seuss exhibit at it, and I forgot that Dr. Seuss had all those crazy racist drawings and stuff. | ||
| Right. What were they? | ||
| What were they? | ||
| It was just a hunter with a savage with giant lips and stuff like that. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You know what's the most crazy racist shit that caught me off guard? | ||
| It was R. Crumb. | ||
| Yeah, you know our crumb the like 70s sort of psychedelic comic book guy He was very popular when I was a kid living in San Francisco and then when I was an artist And I was like I used to love his stuff cuz like god this guy's so weird and then I saw some of the like the super racist ones and you're like What the fuck it really is the explanation is like yeah, | ||
| it's a different time He had some just weird shit, man. | ||
| Like, riding on giant women. | ||
| You ever see the documentary they did on him? | ||
| No, but I know what it is. | ||
| Yeah. No, I've never seen it. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| It's like, because his brother is super weird, and his mother is super weird. | ||
| And, you know, here's this guy, like, wearing a tie, and he's a real pervert, and he's, like, openly a pervert, but, like, a brilliant artist. | ||
| That's great, yeah. | ||
| Really fascinating. | ||
| I've heard of it before. | ||
| It is amazing, though. | ||
| I went to a... | ||
| A musician, a musician's house for New Year's Eve when I first moved to New York, so 20-some years ago. | ||
| And he just invited me and Kurt Metzger. | ||
| And we went to his apartment, and it was covered in, like, Sambo paintings. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| There was, like, black people at the party. | ||
| It was just like, yeah, it's art. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't know if I'd cover my house in something. | ||
| I'd have to explain every one of them to people. | ||
| I go, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Yeah, you have a lot of choices. | ||
| You can have puppies, flowers. | ||
| It's so funny when someone makes strong decisions if they change their ways. | ||
| I used to drive strippers to bachelor parties to be the bouncer with zero skills to handle that whatsoever. | ||
| I took the job as a fat kid that wanted to see naked girls for free. | ||
| And I ended up at a bachelor party with two brothers. | ||
| It was one of the brothers thing, and he was covered in swastika tattoos and all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| And the strippers were not both white, for sure. | ||
| But there's also black people at this party and stuff like that. | ||
| And I don't know the explanation these guys have to give, but I talked to one of their black friends and was like, hey, is it weird to ask, but these guys are all covered in swastika and racist tattoos. | ||
| And they were like, oh yeah, they just got caught up in some bullshit when they were teenagers. | ||
| They're good dudes. | ||
| Like, wow. | ||
| And they're still wearing short-sleeved shirts, huh? | ||
| That seems strange. | ||
| You think these guys would be wearing Terrell Owens body suits to cover that up? | ||
| It's like one of the arguments why you shouldn't be able to get a tattoo until you're 25. Is that when the brain's fully formed? | ||
| Yeah, when you're a boy. | ||
| Women mature younger, but when you're a boy, your brain is fully formed at 25, when you're able to make solid decisions. | ||
| What decisions do girls make for tattoos that are that great? | ||
| Very few swastikas. | ||
| Very few swastikas. | ||
| What are the numbers of swastikas on girls versus on dudes? | ||
| If we could Google that, please. | ||
| What percentage? | ||
| I think it's just that one girl, the character that Firuza Balk played in American History X. I just read a thing recently. | ||
| This made me laugh so hard. | ||
| You know this movie, American History X? | ||
| Yes, I remember that movie. | ||
| That movie was crazy. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| Crazy movie. | ||
| Ending is such a question mark on it. | ||
| Right. And if you recall, he goes to prison. | ||
| He reforms himself. | ||
| He comes out. | ||
| He tries to get his brother out of that mindset of being a white supremacist. | ||
| And then he succeeds, basically, in telling him the story of what happened to him in jail. | ||
| And then the next day, he walks his brother to school. | ||
| His brother gets killed by a black kid, shoots him in the chest, and he dies, and then he goes in to save him. | ||
| Or he goes in there and just cries, screaming, like, what have I done? | ||
| You know, his brother's dead now. | ||
| And then they end the movie. | ||
| The director, who apparently was a lunatic, him and Edward Norton fought the whole time over how the movie should go. | ||
| But the director's ending he wanted to do was after the brother gets shot by the black kid, they were going to show Edward Norton in the mirror. | ||
| And then with the big swastika tattoo on him, and then he was going to smirk in the mirror and walk off. | ||
| I was like, they should have played Back in Black after that. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's back, and he's racister than ever. | |
| I was almost going to get it removed. | ||
| Just imagine being... | ||
| Smiling at him. | ||
|
unidentified
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Imagine having a Schwarzenegger movie ending to American History X. That is so crazy that he wanted to do that. | |
| I mean, not the song, but they should have played the song. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, the image of smirking. | |
| The song would have been... | ||
| Everybody would have been so mad. | ||
| Can you imagine if you cheesed it up just at the end? | ||
| Like, you have this brilliant movie, and at the end, just total cheeseball, curveball ending. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I remember taking a date to go see... | ||
| It was a girl I lost my virginity to, who was a little bit older than me, and a very hippy-dippy girl. | ||
| And we went to go see... | ||
| Oh, what the fuck? | ||
| Was the movie was a John Singleton movie No, no, no, no. | ||
| It was the one on the school campus Why am I blanking on it? | ||
| Omar Epps was in it. | ||
| Tyra Banks was in it. | ||
| Michael Rappaport was great in it. | ||
| Higher learning. | ||
| I took this girl to see higher learning and the movie is great at the end of the movie Michael Rappaport goes crazy becomes he gets roped into being a white supremacist With the skinhead group on campus. | ||
| Never seen that. | ||
| These guys were, I mean, like, hardcore on-campus skinheads. | ||
| But they still got loans. | ||
| It's a science fiction movie. | ||
| They're like, white power. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I got social studies in a few minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
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On campus. | |
| I gotta go. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, my God. | |
| Hey, can you finish nailing these crosses together? | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| 95. That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, right when I graduated high school. | ||
| And I take her to see this movie, and it said, the movie is... | ||
| Michael Rappaport joins the skinhead group. | ||
| Black people on this campus. | ||
| A lot of things. | ||
| There's a black party going on. | ||
| I think a white kid tried to rape a girl. | ||
| Christy Swanson. | ||
| And then all the black guys go to help and beat up the kid who raped her. | ||
| And then the cops, of course, come and get mad at the black people and save the rapist. | ||
| Then Michael Rappaport goes nuts. | ||
| Goes on top of the school and starts picking off black people. | ||
| In a 90-minute arc. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Starts picking off black people. | ||
| One of them kills Omar Epps' girlfriend, Tyra Banks. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And then he gets into a fight. | ||
| Omar Epps and him get into a fist fight. | ||
| And then the cops break it up, start beating the shit out of Omar Epps. | ||
| And then Michael Rappaport pulls a gun out on the cops when they're trying to stop him. | ||
| And I know the scene's trying to be like they're trying to keep the situation calm so nothing more crazy happens. | ||
| But they're going like, it's okay, son. | ||
| Everything's going to be okay. | ||
| We're okay. | ||
| You know, while he's holding the gun, and then I think Michael Rappaport kills himself, is how that ends. | ||
| And then, at the end, there's a concert happening, and they just put the word, unlearn, across the screen. | ||
| And you can just hear black people in the audience go, what the fuck? | ||
| And I was like, yo, let's go. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| And she was like, what? | ||
| And I was like, no, no, no, let's go. | ||
| Do not let these credits start. | ||
| Let's get in the car. | ||
| And I mean, I don't know how bad it got out there, but it was... | ||
| A lot of yelling. | ||
| It was an inflammatory movie. | ||
| There was no point in a movie where a white person got their due. | ||
| It was always like, a white person fucks over black people, and then the cops are like, you're fine. | ||
| Hey, shit happens, man. | ||
| You can make a movie like that before the internet. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, because there wouldn't be a million signature proof that this shouldn't be a thing or whatever. | ||
| Well, it was also preposterous. | ||
| Patently preposterous. | ||
| Just to argue it? | ||
| Well, if you're pretending there's a white power group on a college campus, how about ever? | ||
| Ever? Like, this is crazy. | ||
| Like, you found the one, that's what you used to study. | ||
| The one college that has a white power group in it. | ||
| And, like, open. | ||
| Openly. Openly. | ||
| What? Walking around, tattoos out. | ||
| And all the cops are openly racist. | ||
| Like, not just, like, there's a racist cop, just like there's a racist fucking postman. | ||
| You know, there's racist everything. | ||
| There's a racist dentist out there somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, but no, they make it, like, at today's meetings, like, alright, let's round up some blacks, make sure these whites are okay. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| You could make a movie like that. | ||
| I think you'd still be that kind of inflammatory. | ||
| They'd go for it. | ||
| I just watched that Adolescence thing, which I thought was... | ||
| What is Adolescence? | ||
| It's this, uh, it's a four-part... | ||
| Like, miniseries on Netflix? | ||
| It's British. | ||
| I'm, like, I watch things so open-minded and just looking to be entertained that I miss messages a lot. | ||
| But by the third episode, I realized, it's about a little boy gets immediately accused of, until it starts, of killing a classmate. | ||
| And he's getting arrested. | ||
| Each episode is one shot to make it like a play. | ||
| And the acting is unbelievable. | ||
| But what it whittles down to, it's apparently from the videos I watched beyond, like this show explained, because I look at all those, and it was like an anti-toxic masculinity message. | ||
| And the idea was just like, the kids watched porn, and his dad's a tough guy, so that's why he thought he can kill a woman, or why he can kill a girl. | ||
| Wow. And they shout out, and again, I don't know a lot of this guy's stuff other than... | ||
| The basic idea, but they shout out Andrew Tate. | ||
| And when I heard that name, I was like, oh, that's what this is. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| That could be a real guy. | ||
| That's less preposterous than the white power group on campus. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, no doubt. | ||
| There's kids that get radicalized. | ||
| They get an evil parent. | ||
| They didn't really make it that dad was evil. | ||
| They were making it more like the porn and the idea that mom should be in line and cooking. | ||
| There's guys who grow up without a mom. | ||
| Those guys can, if they have a shitty dad and no mom, those guys could definitely be, and if you have a psycho in your DNA. | ||
| I had too much mom. | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| No, you had the perfect amount to make you. | ||
| This episode is brought to you by my friends at Black Rifle Coffee. | ||
| That's all I drink, folks. | ||
| If you see me drinking coffee in the studio, it's Black Rifle Coffee. | ||
| It's because my friend Evan Hafer, who owns the company, I love him to death, and they make the best coffee in the world. | ||
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| I had my little dad, lots of mom, just tendencies. | ||
| My step-pop, man, he swooped in. | ||
| And save my ass from really being as twirly as possible without being into cocks. | ||
| I mean, I was right there prying for the take and I'm sitting there laying on my tummy as a kid watching Falcon Crest in Dallas with my mom. | ||
| That's what I know Lorenzo Lama's from. | ||
| Falcon Crest, not Renegade like everybody else. | ||
| Was Renegade the one where he was the karate guy? | ||
| He was the karate guy, but he was a bounty hunter. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| On a motorcycle. | ||
| But wasn't he like a karate guy, too? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm not making that up. | ||
| Well, no, no. | ||
| He would fight his fights with karate. | ||
| That guy was so beautiful. | ||
| He was gorgeous. | ||
| So handsome. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It really is the sadness of a guy that handsome because he got a girl that was smoking hot. | ||
| And then, what's it, Shauna Sand? | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Yeah. Look at her hand. | ||
| I think he married Shauna Sand. | ||
| Was it a Playboy girl? | ||
| And then they break up and she gets crazy surgery. | ||
| She looks like a lunatic. | ||
| She starts doing porn. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And he still looks pretty great. | ||
| He's had a ton of fucking series, those weird series that you like flip through in the middle of the night like he's a motorcycle detective or something. | ||
| It's like there's a bunch of those. | ||
| How many series? | ||
| He's one of those guys that like always has a series. | ||
| I mean, the alliteration of the name, he was handsome, it was all kind of perfect. | ||
| Does he have the hair anymore? | ||
| Does he keep the long hair? | ||
| No, there's no way. | ||
| Because he's still rocking like Fabio still rocks it. | ||
| He's not letting go. | ||
| Damn. Respect. | ||
| No, see, he's got short hair. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Even older with white hair. | ||
| Handsome as fuck. | ||
| I mean, comparatively, too, if you look at the ex that was like his holy shit wife... | ||
| She fell apart. | ||
| They all fall apart. | ||
| That surgery is a crazy way to go because you can't see what you look like. | ||
| It's like anorexics or bodybuilders. | ||
| You get dysmorphia. | ||
| Your brain starts playing tricks on you, and you think your lips aren't big enough, and your tits aren't big enough, and your face is, you know, like there's some skin on the side of your ears. | ||
| You can pull it back, and you tuck this and pull that, and my ass would stick out more if they put the implants in, and that would probably get me a better guy. | ||
| I'd get a fat ass. | ||
| I always say I crowdsource it. | ||
| If the audience will pay for it, I'll get a fat ass. | ||
| Let's find out what they do, because I'm bewildered. | ||
| So I know that there's an operation where they take fat out of other parts of your body and they stuff it in your ass, and your ass looks like a bag of cheese. | ||
| There's bad ones. | ||
| Maybe there's good ones. | ||
| Maybe there's good ones. | ||
| Maybe I'm being judgmental. | ||
| There's probably a doctor out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, I do it under the surface of the fat so that there's always a smooth area on top. | |
| Some wizard with a BMW. | ||
| But at this point, there are good breast implants. | ||
| At this point, there are. | ||
| They exist. | ||
| Yes, they feel real. | ||
| But also, they look real and they don't have like the... | ||
| Where you have like the, you know, you see rib cage between them? | ||
| Yes. But here's the thing. | ||
| You are putting something that's similar to breast tissue where breast tissue would be. | ||
| So with this, your butt is a muscle. | ||
| Yeah. You know, it's like muscle and fat. | ||
| A male? | ||
| Why'd you say male, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
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He's a male. | |
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
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What do you mean? | |
| Can expect to retain anywhere from 60 to 80% of the fat that is initially transferred into the butt. | ||
| I like, when they say butt like that, I really think they're, you know... | ||
| Professional. You're talking about surgery. | ||
| Into the glutes? | ||
| You're calling butt surgery? | ||
| Yeah. What kind of a fucking doctor? | ||
| Let me see your diploma. | ||
| Now you're going to want to be gentle when you take a shit for the next three weeks. | ||
| The rest will be reabsorbed by the body over time. | ||
| The results you see immediately after surgery and in the weeks following are not permanent. | ||
| Around 90 days post-op, your butt will finally stabilize into its new shape and size. | ||
| The procedure itself is semi-permanent as opposed to permanent. | ||
| As your body responds to natural aging process and normal weight fluctuations, so too will your buttocks. | ||
| Depending on the precautions you take during your recovery and the lifespan you maintain in the time following, your BBL may last several years to even decades. | ||
| I saw a dude at the mall the other day with a BBL. | ||
| For sure? | ||
| 100%. No way it's real. | ||
| Gay? Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super. How dare you ask that? | |
| Imagine if it wasn't a gay guy. | ||
| Imagine if straight guys start getting BBLs. | ||
| It has to exist. | ||
| It has to. | ||
| There's definitely a guy. | ||
| It's probably a whole website dedicated to normalizing straight guy BBLs. | ||
| Daddy makeover. | ||
| Just lift weights, you fucking pussy. | ||
| Just go to the gym and do the work. | ||
| Shut your mouth and stop it with your BBL. | ||
| And listen, I'll put it out there again. | ||
| Unless the crowd pays for it, I will get a fat ass. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| I think there's other ways to do it. | ||
| This was my question because I know there's an implant as well. | ||
| Yeah. So there's butt implants, which is kind of even crazier because then you're taking the risk of having something, a foreign object in your ass where everyone's scared to get cancer. | ||
| Like, if you're scared to get cancer, what's the place you're scared to get the cancer the most? | ||
| Ass cancer. | ||
| You don't have to shit in a bag. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So, like, you're thinking about these plastic things that you've inserted into the muscle tissue surrounding you. | ||
| What kind of inflammation is going to be caused by that? | ||
| What about the plastic leaching into your body as you're in the sauna? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. It's a weird thing. | ||
| You know, I can't believe they still have perfected dick surgery? | ||
| Dick lengthening? | ||
| They're getting surgery, but what's crazy is there are procedures, and people get them. | ||
| I couldn't imagine getting a procedure that's been done like under a thousand times. | ||
| You didn't want to be the first tonsillectomy, and that's like routine. | ||
| Isn't it kind of shocking that no one's figured out a way to make a bigger dick? | ||
| It's kind of shocking. | ||
| It is shocking. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm surprised that hasn't been a thing. | ||
| There's the butt enlargement. | ||
| Intramuscular buttock implants. | ||
| So now when they say buttock, I feel a little more comfortable. | ||
| Yeah. I feel like these are real pros. | ||
| So you're going to take those plastic... | ||
| What are those things made out of, Jamie? | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| I'm going to tell you what, those ones are dirty. | ||
| They pulled them out of a butt. | ||
| Oh, they took them out. | ||
| He's a detransitioner. | ||
| Okay, so what does it say? | ||
| Butt augmentation is most commonly performed by fat injections, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. | ||
| While men can do, like women, synthetic fillers and fat injections, they often are less tolerant of the procedures that require multiple treatments and whose effects are more modest. | ||
| Interesting. They're often smaller and flatter buttocks, are more resistant to augmentation efforts, with stronger intergluteal muscles and a thinner subcutaneous fat layer. | ||
| So he's saying, I can do it to dudes, but it's not gonna come out good. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that the only real endgame of this, because like, what's the benefit in your life? | ||
| More dick. | ||
| But it's like money. | ||
| It's like ultimately it's like finding someone who's gonna like your weird body more. | ||
| You think it's money for dudes? | ||
| It's like, oh, for dudes. | ||
| Yeah, these are dudes. | ||
| That's a dude. | ||
| Oh, that's just gay, probably. | ||
| Gay as fuck. | ||
| Or maybe the guy was also crowdsourced and maybe they paid for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe it's just, yeah. | |
| Solid, ultra-soft, silicon buttock implants of 400cc were placed and a layered muscle and incision closure done. | ||
| No drains were used. | ||
| His long-term results showed good improvement. | ||
| Scroll up, please. | ||
| His buttock size and shape is even probably better in that regard than I thought could occur. | ||
| Ew. It looks fake. | ||
| Like there's a lump. | ||
| There's a lump where you have a tumor in your ass, sir. | ||
| Like look, there's like a little ridge where all of a sudden the implant is. | ||
| That's so weird that I'm staring at this guy's butt so long. | ||
| I just don't think it's the same guy. | ||
| It's the same guy. | ||
| I trust these people. | ||
| Why would the internet lie? | ||
| They're buttock people. | ||
| Why would the internet lie? | ||
| They wouldn't lie. | ||
| But the penis surgeries are like nutty things from like cutting a tendon. | ||
| Yeah, to make it just poke out a little more. | ||
| And then there's other ones where they thicken it up. | ||
| They get in there with a mesh and thicken it up. | ||
| Nice sauce. | ||
| When I was heavier even, I went to, I got a consultation, free consultation at a plastic surgeon. | ||
| I was like, I bet I'm fine with my hard dick, but I hate my soft hang sometimes. | ||
| And I was like, I bet if I got my gun sucked out, liposuctioned, it'll make it look bigger, soft, particularly. | ||
| And I'm like, so I went to the consultation. | ||
| It was a male doctor, so you're like, okay. | ||
| I mean, I knew he was going to have to look, ultimately, at one point. | ||
| But this guy takes me to the mirror. | ||
| He goes, all right, drop your pants. | ||
| Drop my pants and I also have dr. Dick, you know like it's like I'm also a guy so I'm like shit and you can't like I didn't want to try to like fluff it up fluff it before he walks So I am he fucking Comes in and he's like drop your pants He goes walk over to this mirror which I was like oh God don't make me do this and I stand in front of the mirror and he goes On either side of my dick with his hands and | ||
| he goes right now looks like this and I can make it look and he just pushes my fat back and goes like this and I was like His dick is just inches from your face. | ||
| I was like the whole time. | ||
| Uh-huh I pulled my pants up like a victim and left the office and never even thought about it again. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| That's a weird look Just getting in there and then here. | ||
| I'm gonna move my face six inches from your dick, but don't worry I went to school. | ||
| A doctor looking up at you? | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a diploma. | |
| You see the framed diploma? | ||
| This is fine. | ||
| This is fine. | ||
| This is a safe space. | ||
| What does your dick taste like? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| There's no way he doesn't go out and talk to those hot-ass nurses about my little wiener. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It smelled like cheese. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| At this point, they expose so many people. | ||
| Do you believe anybody's genuine goodness anymore? | ||
| It's hard to believe. | ||
| You know, I went down a deep dive looking at doctors who use their own sperm in fertility clinics. | ||
| I was researching this one case. | ||
| I was just... | ||
| You know, I just wanted to find out, like, God, how'd this guy, how'd they catch him? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Then I found there's, like, hundreds of cases. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's got... | ||
| There's hundreds of cases. | ||
| There's hundreds of cases of doctors doing this. | ||
| There's doctors using their own sperm and then people finding out on 23andMe because it's just, like, fucking everybody in the neighborhood's related. | ||
| It's just their kink? | ||
| Just to, like, jerk off in the vials? | ||
| It's just such a crazy thing. | ||
| There's so many fucking psychos out there. | ||
| What are you going to giggle at while you're injecting a girl with your jizz? | ||
| I had this guy on yesterday that spent 25 years as an undercover FBI guy that infiltrated biker gangs and neo-Nazis. | ||
| Bro. You talk to a guy like that and you start really wondering, where's the good in the world? | ||
| How many creeps are there? | ||
| Like, how many really fucking psychotic people are out there organizing right now in the world? | ||
| That's a wild thing to go with, like, different groups undercover, though, too, if they ever overlap someday. | ||
| Like, and you go, hey, you were a skinhead two months ago. | ||
| When'd you become a biker? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And this guy is... | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| I'm gonna show you a picture of him. | ||
| Just a big fucking giant dude with a goatee and pulled back hair and tattoos all over his arms. | ||
| So he like blended right in with all these psychos. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| I used to have a... | ||
| When I was young, I had a joke about the concept of like with the hookers where you have to... | ||
| They go, well, if you ask them if they're a cop, they'll tell you. | ||
| They tell you, they have to tell you. | ||
| Or it's entrapment. | ||
| And I was like, then what the fuck is undercover work? | ||
| You guys are doing like five years? | ||
| With the mob. | ||
| And then one day they go,"Hey, you know, I never even asked you. | ||
| This is stupid, but are you a cop?" He's like,"Shit, man, yeah." I think that was like a- You were at my kids' christening! | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| You never asked. | ||
| I swore at this point I thought you were never gonna ask. | ||
| I think that was like a dumb thing they made up for TV shows. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And then everybody thought it was real. | ||
| It was like some dumb plot point. | ||
| Are you a cop? | ||
| No. Yeah, of course you could say no. | ||
| Right, because the good guy who was the cop always had to be honest. | ||
| Yeah. He was never lying. | ||
| He was telling me about he had to do cocaine with these people. | ||
| They had to beat people up. | ||
| And he's like, if shit went down, man, I had to be a part of it. | ||
| The prostitutes things they would do on cops were always, they'd get in the car and they'd be like, are you a cop? | ||
| And you'd go, come on. | ||
| Do I look like a cop? | ||
| Bro, this guy got busted wearing a wire and got away with it. | ||
| Really? They didn't find the wire. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| They came that close. | ||
| He said they were inches away. | ||
| They were rubbing his clothes, like checking all his clothes. | ||
| He said they were inches away, but he was like arguing with them. | ||
| I can't fucking believe you guys, like that kind of shit. | ||
| After I mysteriously showed up three weeks ago, and now I'm working my way through the ranks. | ||
| Now you're going to start patting me down. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And I'm helping you run guns and drugs to Mexico. | ||
| Guys, I bought donuts yesterday morning. | ||
| I'm that guy. | ||
| I'm that guy. | ||
| I am your brother. | ||
| I'm the dude. | ||
| And meanwhile, they all go to jail. | ||
| Eventually. From him, they were right. | ||
| Also, when they do Undercover, it still seems like when they would go home at night still, come out of their biker clothes. | ||
| How was it, hon? | ||
| Like, these guys are animals. | ||
| I hope one of them didn't happen to follow me home. | ||
| Well, he was not doing things that were anywhere near his home. | ||
| He would go away for long stretches at a time and go back and forth, and he had all these reasons for doing so, different businesses that he did that he was involved with. | ||
| Did he ever, like, find himself... | ||
| You kind of hang with somebody that much time, and they think you're their friend. | ||
| Do they ever get sympathy for them? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. | ||
| That's one of the more fascinating parts about it. | ||
| It was like, this guy that he had to put in jail, that guy was like my friend. | ||
| He's like, we finished each other's sentences. | ||
| We were just like each other, other than the fact that he was a criminal, and I was an FBI agent. | ||
| And I was like, do you think that you could have gone down that road if you had the wrong life? | ||
| It's like, abso-fucking-lutely, man. | ||
| Abso-fucking-lutely. | ||
| All of us could have. | ||
| I go, that's what I think, too. | ||
| I think. | ||
| That's what happened to Michael Rapaport in Higher Learning. | ||
| He got in with the wrong crowd. | ||
| He was a regular guy with good intentions. | ||
| The next thing you know, he's shooting women. | ||
| Super normal in a 90-minute arc of a film. | ||
| It was so much, so fast. | ||
| How does he cheat? | ||
| Unless he's the star of the film where they follow him every step of the way. | ||
| He was a clockwork orange for black people. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| For 90 minutes, you just bleh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. Michael Rapaport is this kid that is hilarious. | |
| It's when the cops have him at the end and they're like,"Son, everything's gonna be fine. | ||
| You're white." Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Rappaport does a really good job of complaining about things. | ||
| Like, he's always got something that he's fucking screaming and yelling about. | ||
| He's pretty hyped about Israel, it seems. | ||
| It seems like it, yeah. | ||
| I've only seemed hyped about two things: Israel and Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the only two things I've ever hyped about Michael Rappaport. | |
| And also, I think the rising of the black race also, I think, pissed him off the scenes in that scene. | ||
| In that scene, but to his credit, that was the 90s. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Nobody knew better back then. | ||
| Well, that's so funny for him also. | ||
| If you remember his first big role, great movie called Zebrahead. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he was like, because that was more of his thing. | ||
| He's more of like a wigger kid. | ||
| He was in Do the Right Thing, too, right? | ||
| Was he in Do the Right Thing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if he was in that. | ||
| True Romance, for sure, that was great. | ||
| When it comes to college basketball and March mania, one thing is for sure. | ||
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| Do the right thing with Spike Lee's first big hit, right? | ||
| I think he was in that. | ||
| May have been. | ||
| Was he in it, Jamie? | ||
| I didn't watch a lot of Spike Lee. | ||
| Oh, he had some bangers in the early days. | ||
| Mo' Better Blues made me feel lazy. | ||
| Because I remember Denzel Washington would practice every day. | ||
| You know, like he was an artist. | ||
| He would practice every day. | ||
| And his girl was trying to fuck. | ||
| And he was like, no, no, no, I have to practice. | ||
| And I was like, wow, I wish I was like him. | ||
| I wish I would have practiced more than pussy. | ||
| I would think about that as a comic. | ||
| Even when I was a professional comic in the early days, I didn't spend my whole day writing. | ||
| I was fucking off, playing pool, and hanging out with my friends. | ||
| You might be thinking of True Romance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was in that. | |
| No, no. | ||
| I thought it was a... | ||
| Sorry, do the right thing. | ||
| His first movie was in 92. Oh, really? | ||
| Interesting. You're thinking of Danny Aiello. | ||
| I don't know who I'm thinking of. | ||
| Who am I thinking of? | ||
| Go to Do The Right Thing cast. | ||
| Turturro? Maybe I'm thinking of Turturro. | ||
| That is probably who you're thinking of, actually. | ||
| That is who I'm thinking of. | ||
| It's hard to see in that picture, but when he was younger. | ||
| That's crazy, because he's younger. | ||
| I mean, Michael's a lot younger. | ||
| But Zebrahead, yeah, he was like his whole thing. | ||
| He's like a hip-hop guy. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So it's so funny that he plays this major role. | ||
| As like a white, fucking white supremacist. | ||
| Gotta take what you can get, you know? | ||
| It's acting, bro. | ||
| It is acting. | ||
| You think Robert De Niro really was a psycho in Taxi Driver? | ||
| No. No? | ||
| Maybe. Go watch that movie again. | ||
| You know, it's funny, the building I lived in in New York on 57th Street is the old taxi depot that they shot Taxi Driver in. | ||
| Really? And they keep downstairs, like where the gym and stuff is, they have the sign still. | ||
| They keep the original signs for the parking lot. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| That was a fucking great movie. | ||
| And if Robert De Niro just never gave a political speech, I would think about him that way. | ||
| You can't make a movie like that with a budget anymore. | ||
| Every movie with balls, it has to be an indie flick. | ||
| 100%, yeah. | ||
| Or you have to be some beyond reproach. | ||
| Director that they just let do whatever they wanted. | ||
| Like a Tarantino. | ||
| There's no way Once Upon a Time in Hollywood went through some sort of executive focus group. | ||
| There's no fucking way. | ||
| He's killing women, smashing their head on a mantle. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| I mean, dogs are eating dicks. | ||
| What a brilliant ending, though. | ||
| Oh, that movie's great. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| I love that movie. | ||
| I don't know if I've seen that final scene where they flip history. | ||
| I've never had an audience in a movie theater, like, communally laugh like that since the Jackass movies. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| The Jackass 2. It was a cheering moment, too. | ||
| That was a fucking great movie. | ||
| He's got all bangers. | ||
| He's the only guy that I could say, as a, well, there's a few others that you probably could put in that argument, that have zero movies where I'm like, eh. | ||
| Oh, that have no, like, everything's good? | ||
| Tarantino? There's not one that I can think of that wasn't fucking awesome. | ||
| I love David Lynch, but he's made some crap. | ||
| I liked a movie that you have to try to figure out, but when you can't figure it out, and other people can't figure it out, you're like, this is just a hunk of shit there. | ||
| Right. You can't be so artistic that nothing makes sense. | ||
| James Cameron's done some fucking bangers. | ||
| Do you watch, like, I've gone through on the road and watched, like, the 25 most disturbing movies of all time. | ||
| No, I don't like being disturbed that much. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I mean, I just kind of see how far people will go in a movie. | ||
| I mean, Serbian film's the most notorious. | ||
| Yeah, there's some fucking psycho movies. | ||
| Like, who's that one, that evil clown that kills everybody and doesn't talk? | ||
| The Terrifier? | ||
| Oh, Terrifier, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Bro, these movies are fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, but they can't be on purpose. | ||
| Like, they're so over-the-top, like, violence, that it's silly. | ||
| There was a whole category of film. | ||
| I was really into horror movies when I was young, and there was a whole category of films that were just gore films. | ||
| Yeah. They were called gore. | ||
| It was like those guys would like chop women up with an axe and pull their guts out and rub them all over their face. | ||
| Like, fuck! | ||
| They also had excessive nudity in them. | ||
| Those were the horror boxes at the video store that were bigger than everything else. | ||
| Like those, like I Spit on Your Grave, movies like that. | ||
| The box was way bigger, so you really had to walk up like a piece of shit. | ||
| I'm gonna watch this rape revenge movie with my other teenage friends. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Nothing like a good slasher rape revenge movie. | ||
| Yeah, there's so many. | ||
| Revenge movies are the fucking best. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| We're so dumb. | ||
| We like to just sit there and watch this guy kick everybody's ass. | ||
| Yeah, fuck him up. | ||
| Yeah, it's Robocop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| It's the fantasy. | ||
| Did you ever see Sisu? | ||
| No. I think it's my favorite. | ||
| It's next to John Wick. | ||
| It's probably right up there with John Wick as my favorite revenge movie of all time. | ||
| It's about a guy, and the whole movie has no English in it. | ||
| It's in World War II. | ||
| Is it Finland? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so. | |
| And this dude is a soldier who retired from the war and became a gold miner and made a little score and was trying to get to the town with his score and he runs with the Nazis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's so fun. | |
| It's so fun. | ||
| Because you could tell this guy does not want to do this. | ||
| But he's gotta kill everybody. | ||
| And they all get cocky with him. | ||
| What do you think the mindset is? | ||
| He got gold! | ||
| Nice. So it turns out this guy was like famous in the war for being impossible to kill. | ||
| He has scars all over his body. | ||
| He's like the absolute worst guy. | ||
| And they found him. | ||
| And he kills everybody. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| And it's fucking great. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| What do you think the mindset is behind like a Liam Neeson who, I mean, there's a movie comes out almost bi-monthly of him getting revenge for something. | ||
| Hey, it's a living. | ||
| It's better than community theater. | ||
| Bruce Willis at the end started doing that. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, just movies that were just like two words or something. | ||
| Well, I think he was suffering from that illness for quite a while. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's called aphasia. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's dementia, right? | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Yeah, it's bad. | ||
| It's real bad. | ||
| I don't know what causes it, whether it's genetic or what have you, but people, they slip away. | ||
| And he might have, you know, towards the end. | ||
| I mean, he just goes, this guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a lot of them. | ||
| They're all him with a gun. | ||
| Like, it's all him with a gun. | ||
| And here's the thing, that him with a gun shit started later in his life. | ||
| Yeah. That's what's crazy. | ||
| He became like a guy who fucks people up in his 60s. | ||
| Yeah, he was Oscar Schindler. | ||
| Like, how old is he now? | ||
| How old is he now? | ||
| He's 72 and he's fucking people up in movies. | ||
| Oscar Schindler. | ||
| Schindler's List. | ||
| Bro, when you're 72, it's hard to get out of bed. | ||
| You know, you're like, oh. | ||
| When I saw Schindler's List, it made me think of, now I give the prices of everything an amount of Jews I could have saved. | ||
| Like, how much is this TV? | ||
| Is it about 12 Jews? | ||
| It's, um, what was that you just pulled up, Jamie, that you were showing me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're remaking the Naked Gun. | |
| They are? | ||
| With Liam Neeson? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, there's a few movies that people have gotten, a few AI things passed through, and everyone takes as real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I've seen it. | |
| Oh, right. | ||
| I believe those every day. | ||
| Yeah, I saw Keanu Reeves' Dracula, and I was like, really? | ||
| We write in like Keanu Reeves is gonna be Dracula now? | ||
| That's crazy because he was in the Dracula movie back in the day and he was Dracula's girlfriend's boyfriend. | ||
| They always get me with like a Rob Zombie's remaking something you love. | ||
| They're always listening. | ||
| Have you had him on? | ||
| Yeah, he was a cool guy to talk to. | ||
| I toured with him. | ||
| I've met him a handful of times. | ||
| He's good friends with Tom Papa. | ||
| We've been introduced in that regard and whenever I see him it's the blank of like Nope. | ||
| I went on stage right before him the entire tour, and he has no recollection. | ||
| One time, this is a great story, we had tickets to go, or passes to go see Rob Zombie's, I think it was the Halloween, the original Halloween remake he did. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And comedian Julian McCullough had these passes, four of us. | ||
| It was going to be me, Nate Bargazzi, I'm trying to remember, Dave Smith. | ||
| Yeah, it was Dave Smith and Julia McCullough. | ||
| And I'd auditioned for a TV show the morning of that. | ||
| And it was the first audition I ever did that it went well, went really well. | ||
| And I got it. | ||
| I got the part, the show I was on for two years called Z-Rock. | ||
| But they go, this is how much acting is not my passion. | ||
| They go, we need you to come back in at like four for a table read we're going to do. | ||
| And all I thought was, I was like, shit, that Rob Zombie movie starts at like 6 o'clock. | ||
| I was like, how long are we going to be here for? | ||
| They're like, it's only been an hour or so when we get back here. | ||
| And it was going, it was running late when we got back there. | ||
| So I told Nate Bargazzi to go, I'm like, hey, go down there and get in line, you know, to make sure we get into this thing. | ||
| I don't know if they're overselling it or not. | ||
| And he goes, alright, so I get out of this thing and I'm rushing down, we're walking to this movie theater. | ||
| And I call Nate. | ||
| This is so defeating. | ||
| I go, hey, you're down there. | ||
| He goes, I don't know if I'm at the right theater. | ||
| And I went, what do you mean? | ||
| He goes, I mean, there's a big line for something. | ||
| And I was like, go get in that line, Nate. | ||
| And he was like, oh, that's it? | ||
| So we get there. | ||
| We're so far back in line, there's no way we're getting into this movie. | ||
| And I'm like, shit, Julian's very handsome. | ||
| So we sent him up to kind of schmooze the girl up front. | ||
| No dice. | ||
| And then I see Rob Zombie walk into... | ||
| The diner next door. | ||
| And I go, this might be our chance. | ||
| We just are loosely connected. | ||
| And, you know, maybe I can get him to remember. | ||
| And we go in there. | ||
| It's my best interaction with him ever. | ||
| I go up, I go, hey, Rob. | ||
| I go, Jay Oakerson. | ||
| I go, we met through Tom Papa before. | ||
| And he's like, oh, yeah. | ||
| And he shoots this shit with us for like five minutes. | ||
| And then I go, well, anyway, man, I'm really excited for the movie. | ||
| I hope we get in. | ||
| You know, we're like super far back in line. | ||
| He goes, you'll be fine. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And we did not get in. | ||
| We rode a hot subway home together staring at Nate. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| Yeah, he goes, nah, you'll be fine. | ||
| You'll be fine as I'm not going to help you. | ||
| Yeah, it really wasn't. | ||
| Flat out, he goes, this has been great, but leave me alone now. | ||
| The thing about it, though, is, like, does he save tickets? | ||
| Like, does he have a block of tickets saved? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Not for the guy at the diner, though. | ||
| There's some people you just don't resonate with in the world, I think. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dave Chappelle's another one. | ||
| Dave Chappelle I've met over the last 25 years a dozen times. | ||
| I did some punch-ups on season one of Chappelle's show. | ||
| He bumped me and Kurt Metzger off a weekend in the thing, but we were there, and we hung out with him there, and every time I see him still, it's... | ||
| Completely unfamiliar. | ||
| Chris Rock, same thing. | ||
| I do not make an impression with these people. | ||
| That's so weird! | ||
| I also shut down around celebrity. | ||
| Oh, maybe that's it. | ||
| So I can't inject my personality out of the gates in a situation where I'm intimidated by some... | ||
| Where I go, not intimidated, but I go, man, I really want them to like me. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Because you know so many famous people. | ||
| But... You know what I mean by wanting to, not like me, but I go, if I try to be funny and I whiff, this sucks. | ||
| You just feel nervous. | ||
| Right, so I'm like, I could just lay low and not take the risk of being not funny by accident. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It's hard to feel like... | ||
| There's no one who intimidates you anymore? | ||
| I mean, the people you have in here and just strike a conversation with is unbelievable. | ||
| No, people don't intimidate me anymore. | ||
| They inspire me. | ||
| Some people are fascinating. | ||
| They inspire me. | ||
| Every time I have like a... | ||
| Big guests coming in that I don't know on me and Bobby Kelly on the radio show. | ||
| And someone's coming in. | ||
| I get like... | ||
| When they're like, alright, we're gonna go get them now. | ||
| I'm always like, wait. | ||
| Alright, wait. | ||
| Okay, go get them. | ||
| Because I'm like, shit. | ||
| What do we even start with? | ||
| I used to be like that on Opie and Anthony. | ||
| Yeah? Yeah, when I'd go on Opie and Anthony and they'd have famous guests there, I'd be like, holy shit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's this guy. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| That's weird. | ||
| The first time I went there, I got bumped back to the couch for Ace Freely. | ||
| There's a part of you who's like, this sucks, but wow, it's Ace Freely. | ||
| I met Ace Freely when I was a little kid. | ||
| Really? Yeah, my uncle was an artist, and he was working for this advertising agency in New York City where they made album covers. | ||
| So they made album covers for Kiss. | ||
| So my uncle was one of the artists that made the album covers for a lot of the Kiss albums. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, so I was in his office hanging out with him during the day. | ||
| I was probably... | ||
| 8 or something like that. | ||
| I was fucking young, man. | ||
| And maybe I was a little older than that. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| It's hard to remember. | ||
| But I was a little kid. | ||
| It was pre-high school. | ||
| And this guy walks in with long hair, looks weird. | ||
| Just like a weird dude. | ||
| And he made some weird noise. | ||
| It was real strange. | ||
| And then everybody goes, hey, Ace. | ||
| Hey, Ace. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| That's Ace Frehley with no makeup on? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| You look old? | ||
| And he signed a napkin for me. | ||
| Do you have it? | ||
| Yeah. Well, no, I don't think I have it anymore. | ||
| Maybe my mom might have it. | ||
| I'll ask her. | ||
| I doubt it. | ||
| It got lost somewhere. | ||
| But it was the craziest thing. | ||
| I was like, wow, that's the famous guy with no makeup. | ||
| Because everywhere they went, people were, paparazzi were always trying to catch them. | ||
| You know, like Gene Simmons would wear like a bandit's mask. | ||
| And they were always trying to catch them without their makeup on. | ||
| Has a celebrity ever let you down? | ||
| Like when you met them? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| No? Honestly, no. | ||
| No, there's not like, no, no. | ||
| I've always worried about that. | ||
| Marilyn Manson was always somebody I wanted to meet. | ||
| And then when he went through all his shit, did not want to meet. | ||
| So I was like, stay away. | ||
| But then I want to like, I very much would like him. | ||
| I think he's such an interesting character. | ||
| But like, I'm such a fan since I was a kid that I'm like, this could only let me down somehow. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| He's very interesting. | ||
| He's an artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. Yeah, he's a, you know. | |
| If you think of some of the songs he's made, like Beautiful People, you don't make that unless you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| Like, that's part of the package. | ||
| You want brilliant, fucking wild music, you gotta get a dude who's out of his fucking mind. | ||
| Do you have any theories on why people can't, like, classic, amazing bands can't make a classic again? | ||
| Comedians can still write their best joke, and it will be accepted. | ||
| Everyone's looking for that. | ||
| What's the new thing? | ||
| If Guns N' Roses got everybody back together again and sat in the room for three months, they can't make Welcome to the Jungle again. | ||
| They're not the same guys. | ||
| You know, that's part of the problem. | ||
| And then also part of the problem is I went to see Guns N' Roses in Athens. | ||
| I saw them in Greece. | ||
| It was just a total coincidence. | ||
| I was there with my family and I ran into Axl Rose at a restaurant. | ||
| This is more recent? | ||
| Real recent. | ||
| Okay. Last summer. | ||
| Yeah, like last summer? | ||
| The summer before last? | ||
| Summer before last, I guess. | ||
| And, you know, it's one of those weird moments. | ||
| I'm like, God, I hope he knows who I am. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm going to go say hi. | ||
| I'm going to be a dick. | ||
| And this is after my friend tried to say hi to him, and he got shooed away. | ||
| So I went over to his table, and he was like, well, hey, man, what's up? | ||
| I'm like, whew. | ||
| I go, really nice to meet you. | ||
| I'm a huge fan of this night because we're doing a concert here tomorrow night. | ||
| You want to see him? | ||
| I'm like, fuck yeah. | ||
| And so my whole family went to see Guns N' Roses. | ||
| We were backstage watching. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Three-hour performance. | ||
| These guys are in their 60s. | ||
| They're fucking rocking hard. | ||
| I saw them on the new tour. | ||
| Three hours. | ||
| But the thing is, they have so many hits. | ||
| If you want them to do all the songs you love, it's going to take a long time. | ||
| And if they're going to add new songs... | ||
| Isn't it crazy, too, that it's essentially four albums? | ||
| Crazy. All of that from four albums. | ||
| Bangers! Yeah. | ||
| They did great. | ||
| I was pretty impressed with, I mean, again, the age. | ||
| Dude, Welcome to the Jungle to this day. | ||
| I'll hear that song and go, God damn, that was a fucking good song. | ||
| I took my parents to see it in Madison Square Garden, and it was such a weird... | ||
| I got so strange. | ||
| The things I get emotional about are ridiculous. | ||
| I got teary-eyed emotional when it starts Welcome to the Jungle. | ||
| They start playing the riff. | ||
| And I got immediately teary-eyed because it just took me back immediately to a time. | ||
| It was like a time travel. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit, I'm like 11, 12 years old and got this album. | ||
| And my mom was like, what is that shit, you know? | ||
| And now my mom's like here with me watching them as a classic rock band. | ||
| What year did Welcome to the Jungle come out? | ||
| 87, I want to say. | ||
| 86. I remember being right out of high school at the gym. | ||
| Lifting weights. | ||
| The first time I heard it. | ||
| They were, you know, at the gym, everybody would just play what's on the radio. | ||
| You know, WCOZ. | ||
| And we were listening to the, I think it was WBCN, The Rock of Boston. | ||
| Appetite for Destruction, 87. Yep, so that was two years out of high school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, wow, listen to this. | |
| Do you know the first time I heard it, and kind of backwards tracked it from there, I think it came out, pretty sure it came out first. | ||
| Was the movie Deadpool. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Or the Deadpool, Clint Eastwood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And the scene was pre-famous Jim Carrey plays a rock star junkie, and they're shooting his music video, and the song they're using is Welcome to the Jungle. | ||
| Really? Yeah. | ||
| You can see it's a pretty popular scene. | ||
| If you look that up, the Deadpool. | ||
| The Deadpool, Jim Carrey. | ||
| When did Motley Crue come out with Kickstart My Heart? | ||
| That's probably 86. That was my favorite workout song of all time. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Jim Carrey. | ||
| That's Jim Carrey? | ||
| Isn't it funny? | ||
| Even though he's not being funny at all, he's still, it's like his movements are so Jim Carrey. | ||
| Like again, you don't get to be Jim Carrey unless you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| No, no, he's showing that now too. | ||
| You don't get to be that guy. | ||
| You don't get to be... | ||
| Fire Marshal Bill, unless you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| I'll make a lot of concession for someone's process, but when I watch that documentary about him doing the Andy Kaufman movie, and him coming into the makeup thing every day, and really screaming and bothering the shit of everybody, you see Judd Hirsch's face in the documentary like, | ||
| That's plenty. | ||
| You have to get into your mode or whatever, but come on. | ||
| Apparently he would go nutty if he fucked a scene up and smashed things. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And it's like, That was not his personality when he was talking out of his ass cheeks. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Or when he was doing Vanilla Ice in Living Color. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| What's that personality shift where you become a guy who's kind of rude to interviewers and stuff like that? | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| Well, I think when you're trying to get into a character, there's a thing that some of these guys do where they are just that guy the whole time. | ||
| Who was it that played Lincoln? | ||
| Daniel Day-Lewis. | ||
| Daniel Day-Lewis, right? | ||
| Yeah. So when Daniel Day-Lewis was playing Lincoln, he was apparently Lincoln. | ||
| Yeah, they said all day. | ||
| All day long, all the time. | ||
| Yeah. So if you're playing Andy Kaufman... | ||
| You shouldn't let him eat modern foods then. | ||
| That's catering. | ||
| Right. Here's your mutton, Mr. Lincoln. | ||
| Right, you gotta go full old school. | ||
| Shit. In a hole in the ground, sir. | ||
| We're having Chilean sea bass. | ||
| You, a bowl of gruel. | ||
| Some deer jerky. | ||
| Yeah, like... | ||
| And no teeth, no toothbrushes. | ||
| Yeah. We haven't figured out toothbrushes yet. | ||
| When did they figure out toothbrushes? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Like, when did people start brushing their nasty fucking teeth? | ||
| Imagine what breath smelled like in, like, the 1500s. | ||
| My producer brings it up all the time, because he watches a lot of, like, period piece shows like that, and even, like, the... | ||
| Like Peaky Blinders. | ||
| What do their apples smell like? | ||
| Like those old shows, they always have like attractive people in these, like the Deadwood times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Like Deadwood, and then the girl, you know, she'll like lift her skirt up and you're like, God, I bet it smells like a fucking murky dungeon down there. | ||
| And then when she bathes, and then there's no shower, so they have to just bathe in it and just hope that whatever's in there washes to the surface. | ||
| What did people smell like back then? | ||
| I mean, it's like prostitutes. | ||
| It's like, what's the best they could do? | ||
| By the way, they probably smelled better than the people living in the cities. | ||
| The people living in the cities were all just using public outhouses. | ||
| The cities were filled with shit from horses. | ||
| It's like, oh. | ||
| Coming home and kissing your wife at the end of the day is just a... | ||
| You're tracking shit everywhere. | ||
| And so is your dog, and so are your cats. | ||
| Everyone's tracking shit all over your house, all over your tables. | ||
| There's shit everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, just wooden floors with dirt all over them. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And just little scabs of shit everywhere. | ||
| There's just shit everywhere you go, and everyone has smallpox. | ||
| That's why, yeah, no one kidding. | ||
| Your husband died, you have to marry his brother. | ||
| That's why anybody talking about the good old days, shut your stupid mouth. | ||
| This is the good old days. | ||
| With basic hygiene? | ||
| Yeah, books and medicine and shit. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Oh, I wish I lived back in the 1600s when I died if I broke my ankle. | ||
| No, but if I could have picked a... | ||
| Again, it's so hard because moving backwards, like, well, I would take all the technology of now, of course. | ||
| Well, you can't go anywhere. | ||
| Then you can't make it like a hybrid deal. | ||
| No, no, it's not a hybrid deal. | ||
| But if I was saying, if I have to just let go of that and see what the most fun time would have been to be like a teenager in 20s, 70s, I think. | ||
| Well, um... | ||
| Just listen to Ambrosia. | ||
| Fucking, you could wear a silk shirt on ironically. | ||
| We were all real confused. | ||
| If you were chubby, no one even cared. | ||
| Chubby guys got buzzy in the 70s if he had a beard. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| As long as you had a beard and some long hair. | ||
| And you knew how to get cocaine. | ||
| Yeah. And if you knew how to get cocaine. | ||
| I'd grow a long pinky nail so people wouldn't know my house was the party spot. | ||
| Yeah, that used to be a thing. | ||
| You see a guy with a long pinky. | ||
| That long pinky nail was like, oh, that guy parties. | ||
| That was like when there was a bad guy in the movie, he had a long pinky. | ||
| A long pinky nail. | ||
| Yeah. Which is so gross. | ||
| That's so disgusting. | ||
| That's how bad people want cocaine. | ||
| They'll snort it off some dude's stinky fucking fingernail. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I went to a... | ||
| I did a gig opening for Bobby Slayton years ago at the West Palm Improv, the old West Palm Improv. | ||
| That was a great room. | ||
| Yeah, the wide, shallow one. | ||
| Yeah, that was a great room. | ||
| And I forget the name. | ||
| Joey something was the guy who hosted. | ||
| But he was like local legend, this guy. | ||
| And he brought us back to his head. | ||
| He took us to the strip club, and it was like everyone... | ||
| Knew him kind of thing. | ||
| Yeah. And then brought girls back to his house. | ||
| And I am always impressed with the level of, like, a person who carries their morbid obesity with, like, a not-give-a-shit. | ||
| And also have no care that the girls are gonna suck his dick or fuck him because he's got coke. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I'm bad at the, like, fuck-me-for-something thing. | ||
| But this guy, we went back to his house. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| His underwear and like a robe open. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| With all these girls around, just giving him coke and shit. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| But he had a cabana in the back of his house. | ||
| But the most interesting thing about him that I found out was the next day he wanted to take me somewhere to eat. | ||
| So he picked me up and he was a narcoleptic. | ||
| And every time there was a red light, he'd fall asleep and snore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's driving? | |
| Not just fall asleep, snore. | ||
| And he's driving? | ||
| Yeah, and you have to acknowledge it. | ||
| You gotta go like, hey man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Hey, you okay? | ||
| And you just never acknowledge it. | ||
| You go, yeah, yeah, I'm good. | ||
| And you just go, and as soon as you hit a red light. | ||
| Like, loud, aggressive snoring. | ||
| Now, is he an actual narcoleptic, or does he have severe sleep apnea? | ||
| Because if he's a big fat guy, he's probably never rested. | ||
| Eyes closed, head goes from the shoulder. | ||
| Out cold, instantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Instantly. What is narcolepsy from? | |
| Like, do, like, healthy people have narcolepsy? | ||
| Like, is there any athletes that have narcolepsy? | ||
| They said Ron Jeremy was the person who had it, and... | ||
| He's another guy who's big and fat. | ||
| That's the thing, I wonder. | ||
| He came to the cellar one time with the Dennis Hoff guy, which, uh, yeah. | ||
| That was a guy of the people, like, quote-unquote celebrities who would come in that I could never pay, like, homage to and have, like, the thing that I didn't want to meet was, like, a Dennis Hoff. | ||
| The pimp of the bunny house. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know why it was so celebrated. | ||
| I know it's, like, it's legal, but, like... | ||
| You still don't see his personality as kind of skeevy as shit? | ||
| Well, there was a weird time where, for whatever reason, they were kind of celebrating pimps and prostitutes. | ||
| Like, do you remember Pimps Up, Hoes Down? | ||
| Sure. Yeah, I mean, that was like a famous documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mr. White Folks. | |
| Mr. White Folks, yeah. | ||
| He was the best. | ||
| Yeah, I watched all those. | ||
| But they were like celebrated. | ||
| And then there was American Pimp. | ||
| Remember that film? | ||
| Yeah. Yeah. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| That was like the small window of, like, pro-sexuality and go be whores, girls, and then it immediately became Me Too. | ||
| That happened immediately. | ||
| It was weird, though, because it was the exploiters of those women. | ||
| It wasn't like it's okay to be a prostitute. | ||
| It was it's cool to be the man who exploits all these women and gets them to go be prostitutes for them. | ||
| I think it took 20-some years for people to realize that Joe Francis was a terrible guy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He was celebrated as hell. | ||
| I just heard a... | ||
| Howard Stern clip the other day where he had Joe Francis on. | ||
| I'm sure if he asked him about Joe Francis now, he'd be like, what a terrible piece of shit. | ||
| But when Girls Gone Wild was a thing, everyone was just like, who cares how it gets done? | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy, right? | ||
| Like, Girls Gone Wild. | ||
| That's how, when the internet wasn't around, you could buy tapes of drunk girls at the bar flashing their boobs. | ||
| And you'd pay for it. | ||
| You'd pay for it. | ||
| And it had, like, a production value. | ||
| Oh, you'd pay for it, and then you were part of a subscription service that... | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, and then every month it would be like, girls going wild, girls on campus too, and girls covered in bubbles. | ||
| Was it one of those things where they'd trick you into subscribing? | ||
| Yeah. It's Columbia House. | ||
| Oh, Columbia House for titties. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Crazy. Oh, I've ruined... | ||
| Columbia House and me have ruined the credit of my... | ||
| All my pets in my life. | ||
| Did they get in your credit? | ||
| Columbia House got in your credit? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying you send the penny and you put your cat's name down and then they just send you 10 CDs. | ||
| But it doesn't ever really affect your credit. | ||
| What was the checks and balances on that? | ||
| None. I always thought that that was a fluff-up scheme for the record business where they could say they sold more records than they did. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| That's actually not a bad move. | ||
| Kind of a good move if you want to get a gold record or a platinum record. | ||
| Sell as many as you can. | ||
| When it went up to a dollar, send a dollar. | ||
| Is where it stopped. | ||
| Enough, guys. | ||
| I'm willing to give you a penny. | ||
| Yeah, to me, a dollar really was like, no, I just usually tape a penny to a postcard. | ||
| But what a concept, too. | ||
| Tape penny here, it said. | ||
| It was the dumbest concept ever. | ||
| You give them one penny, and if you give them one penny, they give you a bunch of CDs, and you're supposed to give them money. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| You get to pick them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You pick your first tip. | ||
| ACDC. It was my taking, it was my, before I had a... | ||
| Porn magazines readily available to go into a bathroom or anywhere where there was a bathroom where I felt I could quietly look at porn magazines. | ||
| It was the TV guide. | ||
| Take the TV guide in the bathroom, do the crossword puzzle, and then pick my 10 CDs for a penny. | ||
| Because it was always an insert on the TV guide. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It was the postcard. | ||
| Yep. Tape penny here. | ||
| And you send it in and all of a sudden you get cassette tapes are in the mail. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Yeah. Oh, boy. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| But isn't it a smart move on their part? | ||
| Because it probably introduced people to a lot of music. | ||
| Because if you think about it, you're only listening to the radio. | ||
| The radio is only playing what they play, and they can only play so many songs, right? | ||
| And if it's a hit, they're going to play that hit over and over again. | ||
| You're going to hear this, and there's Rolling Stones, there's Led Zeppelin. | ||
| You know, you don't have a lot of time for other music. | ||
| No. So this is a good way, even if you're giving it away to people, which mostly are. | ||
| Like, what percentage, let's find this out. | ||
| What percentage of people actually paid for their Columbia record and tapes? | ||
| I think adults would definitely end up paying for it, because I think the deal was, you're giving them your address. | ||
| Right. So whatever the fake name you put down, they're billing. | ||
| I don't remember them chasing me at all. | ||
| I didn't feel it. | ||
| But what they would do, though, is send you more. | ||
| I'd get a CD every month that I wasn't picking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It reached its peak in 1994. | |
| It accounted for 15.1% of all CD sales. | ||
| Yeah. It had 10 million members. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You became a member of a club. | |
| That was kind of what was happening. | ||
| Right. What percentage people paid them? | ||
| Well, I mean, it doesn't say it on here. | ||
| But if you think about just that, that's almost like more radio. | ||
| You're putting the song on the radio for free. | ||
| You're sending out these cassettes. | ||
| Even if people don't pay, that music's getting out there. | ||
| They're gonna maybe buy another Rolling Stones record or tickets to see the Rolling Stones. | ||
| But people didn't complain about being part of Columbia House, I don't feel like, but it's like, remember when, you know, I was like Metallica getting furious about... | ||
| Like LimeWire and Napster and those things. | ||
| But it's like, it is sort of the same thing. | ||
| Like, you're sacrificed. | ||
| But it wasn't for them. | ||
| But they came from a time, though, where the money was from the recording. | ||
| Yeah, but it wasn't taking away from the money of the recording because you couldn't, you know, like, it wasn't that many people doing it. | ||
| When it became something you could just download onto your computer, that got weird. | ||
| Sure. And then record sales dropped off a cliff. | ||
| So they were right in the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, for sure. | |
| But they were wrong that you can stop it. | ||
| You couldn't stop it. | ||
| Right. They were trying to put fingers into a broken dam. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| You've got to get the buck out of the way. | ||
| Once it's on the internet, when things are on the internet, you can't say it's stealing to download it to your fans. | ||
| You can't do anything. | ||
| You've just got to realize, oh, the world just changed. | ||
| The people that stand off for a while, too, was it Maynard? | ||
| Did not want to go on a... | ||
| Apple Music or Spotify or anything forever. | ||
| I think Garth Brooks didn't either, right? | ||
| Kid Rock didn't for a long time. | ||
| And then a lot of them would try to go and, like, I'm going to do my own Apple Music. | ||
| Jay-Z did that, right? | ||
| Yeah, Tidal. | ||
| Did that work? | ||
| You know, it's interesting. | ||
| When I talked to Kevin Hart in Montreal some years back and he was buying up things for the LOL Network. | ||
| That he was starting, which was like, I guess, an internet network. | ||
| And they made all this news because when he did the pitch show where they were pitching ideas for his network, he apparently in the room bought like four or five of them. | ||
| And when I saw him that night, I was like, are these five shows you saw today? | ||
| They're like definite shows. | ||
| And he was like, no, but it gets you press. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And he was telling me kind of like the whole thing of it. | ||
| He goes, but the idea of he was saying he was doing with that, I'm like, are you going to run a network now? | ||
| And he was like, no, you want to build it. | ||
| Until it becomes competitive, and then another company comes along and goes, can we give you money just to go away? | ||
| Is the idea, you know? | ||
| So the idea is that he wants Netflix to buy LOL or something like that. | ||
| Probably a good business move, but I don't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think like that? | |
| No, absolutely. | ||
| Do you think like that? | ||
| No, I have no business acumen whatsoever. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird business acumen to have. | ||
| But I'm also... | ||
| But probably effective. | ||
| I'm... You know blown away by, you know, I watch you when you talk to Bert sometimes about that, about his like employment of so many people. | ||
| Yeah. And everything like, which is great. | ||
| He's got a great thing over there, but like production company, I feel like the, when you get a lot of money sometimes. | ||
| Which is impressive that you haven't done this it's like you want to do almost like too much like well now I'm a producer of things and now it's like this or other businesses you want to like Start that are outside of comedy like is that what your thing was always like it was never mind like to be like a business owner or anything or some kind of like You know, | ||
| where I have products or something. | ||
| I think what happens is once guys realize the amount of money that they can make, they want to just make more. | ||
| Sure. And it just becomes a numbers thing. | ||
| You see it and you're like, oh my god, I can't believe I'm making this much money, but if I did this, then I'd make even more. | ||
| But I'd rather give a friend some capital to do their special than... | ||
| Unless I was taking a job and I'm going to direct this and see if I can do that. | ||
| But just like the idea of... | ||
| I have to take a meeting for a sketch show that wants to be on my network today. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| You only have so much bandwidth. | ||
| Sure. And this is what I think people fail to think about. | ||
| You require time to do everything. | ||
| Your time is limited. | ||
| You really have to think. | ||
| Oh, I could fit it in. | ||
| Oh, I could do this. | ||
| Oh, I could do that. | ||
| Sure you can. | ||
| But then there's no you time at all, and then you're running on fumes. | ||
| And when there's no you time and you're running on fumes, you're not the best version of yourself. | ||
| So you've got to know where you're at. | ||
| You've got to know where you're at in terms of your sanity. | ||
| Like, if you're working... | ||
| All the time, five different jobs constantly, and you're never home. | ||
| You sleep till fucking seven in the morning, and then you're up gone all day and fucking going, going, going, going, going, going, going. | ||
| You don't have alone time. | ||
| If you don't have alone time, you don't even know how you feel about things. | ||
| But you also get used to odd things. | ||
| Like my alone time I look at is like the hotel, like the hotel room, just watching the bullshit that I want to watch on YouTube and doing it like that. | ||
| It is strange. | ||
| When I think I want to be off and stationary for a while, I feel like there's a day here and there where it's morning till night. | ||
| I just have nothing I have to do. | ||
| It's rare. | ||
| But when it happens that day, I tend to not be in a great mood. | ||
| Really? I don't know why. | ||
| Well, it's because what you do, you love. | ||
| And it's fun. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Like if you're doing something all day long and it's just like business stuff and it's just for money and it's not something you love, that's a different vibe, right? | ||
| That's like a hustle vibe. | ||
| I'm going to get these numbers up and get this going and I'm a fucking, I'm a worker and I'm a grinder and I'm going to show you because look, I got this now and then I got that now. | ||
| See, I'm grinding. | ||
| But as if it's a virtue. | ||
| I always try to say this is a very important thing that people need to hear. | ||
| Just because it's hard to do doesn't mean it's good to do. | ||
| There's a lot of things that are hard to do that you don't necessarily want to do. | ||
| I don't want to climb Mount Everest. | ||
| It's hard to do. | ||
| But it doesn't mean it's good to do. | ||
| It might be good to do for you because you need to prove to yourself that you can do this extremely difficult thing. | ||
| But people are dead. | ||
| There's a bunch of dead bodies up there. | ||
| That's not a good thing to do. | ||
| To me, in my opinion. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff like that in life. | ||
| And just because you can do things, I'll show everybody that I work harder than everybody else. | ||
| Maybe you shouldn't. | ||
| Sure. Like, you need balance. | ||
| You need balance in this life. | ||
| And that's hard to get once you start. | ||
| When you start making money, the big fear is, what if it all goes away? | ||
| 100%. And you start clutching. | ||
| You start having famine instincts. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, what if it all goes away? | ||
| So then you start doing things that you think will ensure that it doesn't go away. | ||
| Well, it's that feeling that you feel like you're running a scam. | ||
| Yes. Because also it's something, especially with stand-up. | ||
| Putting a price on things is so strange when you're like, well, I've done it more than anything, I've done it for free. | ||
| Then, second most, I've done it for pennies. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| It's interesting to be like, well, I've done the same job for $50 that I've done for $100,000. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| It's a strange place to be. | ||
| And you do feel like, well, what's it going to take until... | ||
| I'm back to, like, you know, hey, you want to come do $100? | ||
| I still get affected. | ||
| And it's just Young Comics being Young Comics. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| But, like, as long as I've been doing it, I know they just want you to come do their show, but they're like, hey, man, I do a Tuesdays at the, you know, at the stand at 6 p.m. | ||
| Like, Levy can throw you $100 and stuff like that. | ||
| And you're like, why do you think I'm going to come? | ||
| And why are you naming the money? | ||
| Like, if you just asked me to do the show, I'd be less hurt if you were like, I got $100 for you, too. | ||
| Like, great. | ||
| That feels weird. | ||
| They're kids. | ||
| Right. And when you're a kid, $100 is real. | ||
| So it's real to him. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Things I've done for $100. | ||
| Yeah. So it's like real money. | ||
| It's like, oh, $100 gig in town? | ||
| Great. Yeah. | ||
| And so he doesn't know any better yet. | ||
| No, no, for sure. | ||
| And like I said, I'm not insulted that they want you on the show. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| It's just the idea that you're like, $100 isn't going to sell me, dude. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| Well, I think he's just letting you know he'll give you something. | ||
| Sure. Oh, great. | ||
| I'll go down there. | ||
| I never write back. | ||
| I mean, that would be... | ||
| I'm not like that with Young Comics, though, at all. | ||
| I'm so bad at, like... | ||
| It's the tough time I have with Kill Tony. | ||
| I love doing it. | ||
| And I always have a great time. | ||
| But, like, the initial, like, just going at somebody. | ||
| Especially if I want to come out of the gates and make fun of them. | ||
| I almost have to have the look over of, like... | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| I know it's so difficult what you're doing right now. | ||
| A minute of comedy under the stress of how big that show is now. | ||
| And for some of them, it's the first time they've ever gone on stage. | ||
| There were some guys, the first time they ever went on stage, they went on stage in Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| 16,000 people and they followed Dice. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Look at your phone for notes. | ||
| Hang on, Madison Square Garden. | ||
| You barely can get to the one minute mark. | ||
| What you practice in the mirror is just, everything's falling apart. | ||
| Oh yeah, the running out of time, that was the funniest. | ||
| Like, well, this is three minutes of material, or 30 seconds if it doesn't go the way I think. | ||
| Cricket, cricket, Jesus, panic. | ||
| Isn't that the biggest, to me, I felt like the biggest milestone in comedy, the action of it, I mean, was not being afraid of quiet. | ||
| Like, the crowd being dead silent. | ||
| Even if I said something that I thought was funny, and they're still dead silent, and that not being, like, frazzling. | ||
| Right. I don't get shaken by that. | ||
| That's confidence from a lot of big sets. | ||
| A lot of sets where he killed, so you're like, I know I'm good. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It has to believe the thing. | ||
| It's like, I haven't, it's also like, I haven't conveyed it right then. | ||
| Yeah. Like, it's me, probably, but, like, they're not just getting what I'm thinking. | ||
| If they just saw my thoughts right now, they'd get how funny this is. | ||
| Well, here's the thing, too. | ||
| You know, you're going to run into a jazz crowd every now and then. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Sure. Like, when you go to see music, you go to see a band. | ||
| You go to see rock and roll. | ||
| You go to whatever club you're going to go. | ||
| You go to the whiskey. | ||
| It's a rock band. | ||
| We know we're going to go see this blues guy. | ||
| We're going to go see a country guy. | ||
| You go see comedy, you could get... | ||
| Taylor Swift. | ||
| You can get AC /DC. | ||
| You can get anything. | ||
| You can get all kinds of shit. | ||
| You can get the Pixies. | ||
| You can get all kinds of shit when you go see comedy. | ||
| There's so many different styles. | ||
| To call it one thing is kind of weird. | ||
| And you could be a rock and roll guy and you're on stage in front of a jazz crowd. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they don't want your bullshit. | ||
| They don't like how loud you're being. | ||
| Why are you moving so much? | ||
| We're here to snicker. | ||
| You know, I stopped putting it at one point for the small room at the stands. | ||
| When I was in town for the weekends, because, and this is no fault of theirs, I know they're just booking me because I'm home and they want me on the shows that I can do, but they would put those shows, they would book the TikTok celebrity girls, | ||
| like girl comics, that were brand new in comedy, but drew the audience. | ||
| And they're also young enough in comedy that they're posting their spots. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| If you want to see my schedule, it's like, here. | ||
| So the room's filling up for them. | ||
| And I'd go up, I mean, the second I'd get on stage, you'd see the face and groans of like, just like, a man's gonna come, what, lay it out now? | ||
| And I would even try to play with that idea, do you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, explain what's going on in the room. | ||
| And they would just, and then my last one ever doing up there, there was an Asian girl in the front row that I was fucking with, like, going back and forth with her. | ||
| But she was great. | ||
| She was, like, into it. | ||
| She was laughing, and she was busting balls back a little bit, which was fine. | ||
| You know, she was kind of, like, playing around with it. | ||
| And then I see another girl, you know, 22 years old or whatever, 23, going into her phone. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I lost you already. | ||
| I go, I lost you. | ||
| And she goes, uh, maybe it has something to do with the Asian girl thing. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| He goes, you called her Asian girl. | ||
| I was like, wait, but she's fine. | ||
| I go, are you, you're getting upset? | ||
| On her behalf, and she's fine? | ||
| And she was like, yeah? | ||
| And I was like, that's retarded. | ||
| And then a lady in the back of the room stood up, lady, a girl, and literally clutched her jacket together and went, you just said the R word! | ||
| And I went, the manager was in the room, and I was like, take me off the schedule for the rest of this weekend up here. | ||
| I go, I'm not even mad at this crowd. | ||
| I'm like, you have to give this crowd what they want. | ||
| If you put on a three-week open mic gay comic up here right now, he'd murder. | ||
| Like, read the room of what you're booking. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, you have to see what's happening. | ||
| It's like, you're putting me up there. | ||
| This isn't fun for me. | ||
| And it's not fair to them. | ||
| They've been sold a show that's not what I do. | ||
| Right. So I don't have any kind of gripe on that. | ||
| I'm just like, don't put me on those shows. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't be on that show. | ||
| You're fucking up. | ||
| Your audience is actually going to like the club less because they think I'm the piece of shit that's always here. | ||
| But then there's another argument where you've got to kind of do... | ||
| All kinds of crowds. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because if you only do your own crowd, like one of the things that happens to guys is they start doing theaters and they do real well and then they bring a lame opening act and then they're only playing to their crowd. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you see the drop-off. | ||
| You see this like weird creativity drop-off. | ||
| You see the weird impact. | ||
| They're not killing as hard. | ||
| Everything's a little fake and forced and it's... | ||
| Pretty noticeable and normal. | ||
| It's like normal. | ||
| It happens a lot. | ||
| If you're not doing clubs... | ||
| Well, I was gonna say, if you're in theaters, you're removed from the audience. | ||
| You gotta mix it up. | ||
| You have to be doing little rooms sometimes. | ||
| I think it's like, if you're an athlete, you have to lift weights. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I think there's something to that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I like to go do crowds that aren't my crowds. | ||
| Plenty, you know what I mean? | ||
| But I mean, just different sizes too, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, without a doubt. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes like one of the great things about the store was like you could come in there on an off night, like a Tuesday night, and do like a 1 a.m. set. | ||
| And when you're doing a 1 a.m. set, there's like 25 fucking people in the room. | ||
| And you just like, you get to, and they've seen everything. | ||
| They've seen five hours of fucking stand-up. | ||
| They came from Kansas. | ||
| They've seen five hours of comedy, and most of the audience is gone. | ||
| It's a shame. | ||
| From a comics perspective, I mean, from a business perspective, it's great. | ||
| But, like, the Comedy Cellar, like, it's funny for people to not even know anymore or remember. | ||
| There was a time when I got into the Comedy Cellar. | ||
| There was still, when you went on at 2 o'clock in the morning, there could be 15 people in the audience. | ||
| Right. Now it's show lets people out, another show, another show. | ||
| So it's like it's always sold out and packed. | ||
| But, like, there was something, too, that was kind of like, that was the training ground. | ||
| I go up after Dave Attell almost every night of the week. | ||
| In front of 15 people was like, that was great training. | ||
| You do need that for sure. | ||
| And I still need that. | ||
| It's not so much that. | ||
| I said take me out of that room because it's always this audience. | ||
| And it's just like, you're putting them through a thing they don't need to be put through. | ||
| Downstairs isn't my audience either. | ||
| I'm just like, just put me in the room where it's not been sold as this one thing. | ||
| Well, that's the problem with some clubs that have restrictions on what you could say on the stage. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You just can't book this guy. | ||
| There's a club. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Is it in Portland or Seattle? | ||
| There's some club that these guys got to, Duncan got to, and he sent me a photo of a list of all the things that you can't talk about. | ||
| At this club, we don't tolerate racism, sexism, transphobia. | ||
| I wonder if it's the one that... | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| We probably don't even need to say the name. | ||
| I don't know the name of the place, but there was a... | ||
| But just don't book people. | ||
| Know what the fuck they do, and don't book anybody that's not you. | ||
| If you have a specific crowd you're trying to cater to, that's your prerogative. | ||
| No problem with that. | ||
| Just book the comedians that fit. | ||
| Don't have a list of shit someone can't say once they get there. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Also, assume that if you're booking somebody, though, that you'd have to put those rules for it's like you have to like I always like that thing it's like trust the comic to be like a professional not that they'll always come through in that regard but like You know, you can put me on stage anywhere and assume it's not gonna end with me being like"fuck you, | ||
| fuck you" with the audience. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, we'll get out of it. | ||
| Right, you'll have fun. | ||
| Relatively pleasant. | ||
| Well, you're a guy that's very flexible on stage, which is just a huge benefit. | ||
| You can always fuck around with people and engage with the crowd. | ||
| Like, you're so good at it. | ||
| You're one of the best in the business at it, for sure. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| You're really good at it. | ||
| But it's also fun and jovial. | ||
| You know how to tie it all together. | ||
| That's a giant skill if you're doing a bunch of different kinds of rooms. | ||
| In different kinds of places. | ||
| But when a club owner or someone says that you can't breach certain topics, because that's what you're saying. | ||
| If you're saying we don't tolerate racism, listen, I don't either. | ||
| But that's not what jokes are. | ||
| And there's a way to Touch on race that a super ultra-sensitive person would say is racism, and another person who's more objective would say, no, this is just making fun of the differences we all have and how crazy it is that we would think that any one is superior to the others. | ||
| There's ways to do that. | ||
| And to say that, you know, that's racism, we don't tolerate racism, like, well, what do you call it? | ||
| So you can't just define hate speech because that's your definition. | ||
| You force me. | ||
| To go with your definition? | ||
| Yeah, it can't be opinion-based. | ||
| It can't. | ||
| So you just gotta let people speak freely, and then you decide who you book or don't book, but know what the fuck they do. | ||
| That's part of your job. | ||
| Part of your job, as someone who books a fucking theater, is, okay, if you have the theater, you own the theater, you don't want anybody performing that doesn't meet your expectations, that's great. | ||
| One of the funniest things is, I'm always blown away by... | ||
| Is the people in the audience who are hating the show, which is fine. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| You know, some people come and they didn't know what they were coming or getting into. | ||
| Girlfriends get dragged. | ||
| Podcast fan. | ||
| Which I also tend to, like, take their side. | ||
| If I see that happening, I try to do that. | ||
| I'm like, why do you make you come? | ||
| You know, why do you put you through this kind of thing? | ||
| Is how I will usually approach that. | ||
| But when you see those faces, when they, if someone like that gets shitty, I'm always surprised how... | ||
| Aggressive they are when they realize that they're the the minority, right? | ||
| I mean, it's like I don't know because you're you suck and you're not funny It's such a funny thing to shift how much you can make that person an enemy of the room by just going She's saying all of you are stupid as shit Because you're laughing at it. | ||
| Then just they'll hate her for you Well, there's always gonna be a you suck and you're not funny person in the world Yeah, well, that's a skill you have to get that poor girl that poor girl in a That had the video of her skitsing out on the guy in the audience. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was unfortunate. | ||
| People piled on on her, which was actually fucked up. | ||
| She was getting a death threat. | ||
| I'm like, why would you death threaten someone who had a bad time on stage? | ||
| It seems weird. | ||
| But again, that's the situation of getting an audience before you're ready to handle all situations. | ||
| Because the thing about that was the heckle on that video is... | ||
| I mean heckling 101 like the thing you should be able to handle is someone going you're not funny I'm funny you want me to tell the joke like give me the microphone this is all like I said these are the lobs they throw you at a pitching practice you know the batting practice to fucking do crowd work like day one of karate yeah it's like they're saying you suck and you're not funny like come on you know right away you could see him he's right in the front yeah like you could pick him apart visually or ask him a few questions make him look dumb there's just ways to but She wasn't composed because she | ||
| was leaning into that with like, well, I got this whole crowd behind me, but it just looks like a lunatic. | ||
| When she put it out to the world, everyone's like, you're crazy. | ||
| She put it out herself? | ||
| Yes. That's the only reason I thought it was fair to talk about it at all. | ||
| Yeah. Well, you know. | ||
| If it was someone filming her and being like, look at this. | ||
| Dumb bitch or something I would be I don't know if I would have went at it because I'd be like if I talked about it I would be like it's fucked up that somebody did that like you're posting her fucking although that said I mean I've watched Pablo Francisco fall off stage 7,000 times What's that? | ||
| What's that sir? | ||
| What's that said? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that too poor Pablo Funny dude though funny motherfucker Yeah, man the thing about that girl is like She ran into all of the fuck you, you're not funny people in the world. | ||
| See, if you have a crowd of 200 people and you got one fuck you, you're not funny girl, that's one thing. | ||
| But if you scale that out to the entire internet, that is so many fuck you, you're not funny people. | ||
| And those are the ones who are going to comment. | ||
| You know, there's plenty of people that saw that video, like you and me, who were like, oh, God. | ||
| But you didn't comment. | ||
| No. So who's commenting? | ||
| The fuck you, you're not funny people. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| When there's 30 million people seeing a video, you're going to get 13,000-plus fuck-you-you're-not-funny people who post constantly. | ||
| They're always going to post 10, 15 times. | ||
| They're going to be arguing with people in the comments, telling you how you should kill yourself. | ||
| You've got to hide. | ||
| And most people don't. | ||
| Most people go online and they read all the things. | ||
| Like, oh my god, what are they saying about me? | ||
| You've got to just get offline. | ||
| Well, then there was another... | ||
| I think an Asian girl doing an open mic who they had a video of her like throwing shit around and smashing stuff. | ||
| Well, she's fighting the patriarchy. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| So let her lash out. | ||
| But just, I almost wonder, remember that was the fear. | ||
| They were like, people try to create viral moments so heckling will become, like people go to comedy clubs like, I'm going to heckle and make a moment. | ||
| Yeah. It's also a thing about like comics that are just trying to find a, like a lose their shit moment on stage also. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, not even for a thing, not trying to keep it funny, but let me go at somebody really hard, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, well, some people are just socially retarded, and they think they're really good at it, and they're just not. | ||
| They're not really good at communicating. | ||
| They think they are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then they're screaming at the fucking, fucking... | |
| Fake anger is hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, fake anger is the best. | ||
| Especially when it's a joke that's been told for like 10 years, and you're like, you can't be pissed about this anymore. | ||
| You know what the craziest viral moment was ever in comedy? | ||
| Heather McDonald making jokes about vaccines and then blacking out. | ||
| Blacking out and banging her head. | ||
| I only say this because she's okay. | ||
| But I think she cracked her skull. | ||
| I think she fractured her skull. | ||
| I mean, her head fucking bounces off that hard stage. | ||
| And it looked to the audience like this was like a pratfall. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is a part of the bit. | ||
| The timing was so good that it looked like a bit. | ||
| Yeah. That she was talking about. | ||
| And then they were like, oh. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| She really did just black out. | ||
| Yeah, they almost laugh for a second. | ||
| Like, okay, Heather. | ||
| That's plenty. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Historians will study that video. | ||
| They might be proof of the simulation. | ||
| That video might be proof of the simulation. | ||
| Because it just doesn't make sense. | ||
| Unless God has some amazing sense of humor. | ||
| Some amazing sense of humor. | ||
| That's a good... | ||
| My favorite stage moment is still that classic. | ||
| This is before YouTube and stuff. | ||
| The Look of These Biceps guy at the Boston Comedy Club. | ||
| Did you ever see that? | ||
| I didn't see that one. | ||
| No. What happened? | ||
| It's an open mic. | ||
| He's definitely, you find out through the video, he's getting heckled by a girl who also went on stage, but she did well. | ||
| You know, she has her friends there, clearly. | ||
| And so she did well. | ||
| And this guy's just like, his comedy is all written. | ||
| He came out of the gates. | ||
| You know when you kind of fake alpha on stage right away? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| So he's got these jokes. | ||
| One's like a racist joke. | ||
| He tells at one point and it's just this whole personality is just he gives off a bad vibe for sure So he sucks and this girl in the audience sucks and when he can't take any more of her heckling He just goes she's somebody you can't even get a girl. | ||
| He goes you think I can't get a girl Look at these biceps and it's so it's a such a break and he means it If you look at these biceps, you'll find it pretty easily. | ||
| It's so old, but this is the old Boston Comedy Club in the village. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| That place was great. | ||
| This guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, he looks crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I met a girl? | |
| Look at my fucking bicep! | ||
| You think I can't meet a girl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| Anyway, before I snap, I start throwing stools all over the place. | ||
| I'm gonna give you thanks to so much. | ||
| What year is that from? | ||
| It looks like the 90s. | ||
| I found it over 10 years old. | ||
| It's late 90s, early 2000s. | ||
| An Android phone from the 90s? | ||
| Actually, no, it wasn't. | ||
| It was the 2000s because it was called Comedy Village at that point still. | ||
| They changed the name. | ||
| So it was the early 2000s. | ||
| So that's the old Boston Comedy Club? | ||
| Wow. I was working in that place back when Neil Brennan was a door guy. | ||
| I became friends with Neil when he was a door guy. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Kevin was already rolling? | ||
| Kevin Brennan? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Kevin Brennan was, yeah, he was around then. | ||
| I think he was already doing stand-up then. | ||
| Well, Kevin was the first one. | ||
| Yeah. To do stand-up. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, he was definitely way before Neil. | ||
| And then Neil, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That place was a great club. | ||
| Oh, what a great little club that was. | ||
| The Barry Katz. | ||
| Yeah. All the clients worked there. | ||
| Were you a Barry Katz client ever? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Steered clear? | ||
| No, I've just been with the same manager since I was an open-miker. | ||
| No shit? | ||
| Yeah. Wow. | ||
| Back in Boston. | ||
| Well, he found me in Boston. | ||
| He was a New York guy. | ||
| That's why I moved to New York. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't even supposed to go on stage that night. | ||
| Oh, so lucky. | ||
| Because I would have panicked. | ||
| I would have choked. | ||
| I didn't know he was in the room. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| So he had come... | ||
| He used to manage Bob Nelson. | ||
| Remember Bob Nelson? | ||
| Sure. Hell yeah. | ||
| So Bob Nelson... | ||
| That's a Philly guy, I believe. | ||
| He became very Christian. | ||
| And he was going to have his Bible partner, his guy, become his manager. | ||
| He had this guy that they were... | ||
| Brothers in Christ. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| And so Sussman was looking for new clients, and he thought he saw everybody that he could see in New York at the time. | ||
| And so he had a good friend that was taking a trip to Boston, and so he went with him, and he said, I'm going to set up some shows at some of these comedy clubs. | ||
| So they had all the local Boston headliners, like big-name guys from the town would all perform for them. | ||
| And I was working, driving limos at the time. | ||
| And while I was driving, I would come up with some of my best ideas sometimes. | ||
| Because, you know, I didn't listen to the radio, I would just drive. | ||
| Because you couldn't listen to the radio while you had clients. | ||
| And so some of my best ideas came from just driving around. | ||
| I had this fucking idea. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, I think this would work. | ||
| And so I called up my friend, who was the manager, and I said, hey dude, do you think I could get a guest spot tonight? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| So he hooks me up. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I go downstairs. | ||
| This guy who becomes my manager is walking out of the room to go to another club, which is down the street, and he hears me killing. | ||
| And so he comes back downstairs, and he watches my whole set. | ||
| And I would have never done what I did. | ||
| How long did you do a comedy at this point? | ||
| Three years. | ||
| That's fast. | ||
| Yeah, three years. | ||
| But I was pretty... | ||
| I had some good sex jokes. | ||
| I had some great jokes that would kill. | ||
| And I would have never done them if he was in the room. | ||
| Because everybody had to be clean back then. | ||
| That was like, you gotta be clean, you gotta be clean. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| You had good success in acting. | ||
| Was that your... | ||
| When you got into it, was... | ||
| I know when I got into it, what I thought was interesting, was I started to do stand-up comedy. | ||
| It took me a long time to realize, and I love broadcasting. | ||
| I think it scratches the same itch for me. | ||
| Broadcasting is whatever. | ||
| But I never got into it to act. | ||
| Or all these different other things. | ||
| But as soon as you get into it, especially when you have a manager, you just see the industry unfold. | ||
| You see everyone's like, you don't have a commercial agent? | ||
| You've got to go out and audition for commercials. | ||
| All these things that I was like, supplementary, that I was like, instead of doing that, I'm just going to keep doing the black circuit because I make some money there. | ||
| I was getting a couple bucks, enough to survive on shows. | ||
| And then I'll just go hang out at the mainstream rooms at night and meet all the comics and get on when I can get on. | ||
| But it was never a... | ||
| It's never like I would not go so many times though. | ||
| I'm like, I don't fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I did a couple of those. | ||
| I don't want it there. | ||
| And I ended up sitting on this show for two years. | ||
| It was a great experience in hindsight, but like... | ||
| What show did you get on? | ||
| It's called Z-Rock. | ||
| It was an IFC show. | ||
| What was great about it for me was because it was the Curb Your Enthusiasm style writing. | ||
| So we got to say whatever we wanted, really. | ||
| And it was cursing, and there was no problems with that. | ||
| So it was a very fun show to do in that regard, but it just wasn't my... | ||
| Wasn't your thing? | ||
| In fact... | ||
| When I was doing it, I would still go like three of the nights a week. | ||
| We'd do five shows. | ||
| Every other night I would still go do a spot at the cellar, and she was giving me 2 a.m. spots. | ||
| And I'd have to be on set at 7 a.m., you know, 6 a.m. sometimes. | ||
| And when they would get like, you know, I would take naps in between like scenes or whatever, and they would be like, why are you going and doing like stand-up so late? | ||
| I'm like, oh, because this show will not be forever, and there is 50 people waiting to jump in my spot there. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm established there right now, so it's like, when this goes away, that's the thing that's still gonna be there. | ||
| And so I definitely made sure, as I said, but also I didn't want to really be an actor. | ||
| Well, in the 90s, it was just a money thing. | ||
| You know, it was, everybody, there was two things that everybody wanted. | ||
| As if you were a comic. | ||
| A deal. | ||
| No, you wanted to be the head of a sitcom or you wanted to host The Tonight Show. | ||
| Those are the two things that everybody wanted. | ||
| Which is why Jay Leno... | ||
| People to this day don't understand. | ||
| Why did Jay Leno want The Tonight Show so bad that he was hiding in the closet? | ||
| You know that whole story where they were negotiating? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they scratched and clawed and everybody was mad at him because he took it from Conan. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Because he went back because Conan's ratings weren't as good. | ||
| All that craziness was... | ||
| That was the golden carrot. | ||
| At the end of the stick, in our minds, everybody wanted to host The Tonight Show or you wanted to be Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| So that was what you got. | ||
| And so these people came there and that's all the industry talked about because that's where all the money was. | ||
| That's what your agent wanted you to do. | ||
| That's where all the money was. | ||
| And everybody was just pushing you in that direction. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| But it was a push in that direction. | ||
| But it's an antiquated idea that comes from the time of like... | ||
| Everyone in entertainment was like a triple threat. | ||
| I watched something a while ago. | ||
| Like a Jamie Foxx. | ||
| Right, but even go back to the Sinatras. | ||
| They said Barney Miller or Hal Linden. | ||
| There's videos of him singing. | ||
| He went on talk shows as a singer. | ||
| Wow. Because everyone had to dance. | ||
| You were like a showman. | ||
| Right. There was no focus in one direction. | ||
| The idea that you were like, I came into comedy as a mega fan of stand-up comedy. | ||
| I loved all of it. | ||
| I didn't even, like, draw lines on, you know, the people I liked more than others, and Dice was my guy for sure when I was 12, 13. I just hit him at the right time. | ||
| Yeah. That I loved that, but I was such a fan of stand-up that when I got into stand-up, I only saw, like, now I didn't know what the path was to selling out comedy clubs or theaters or anything like that, but that's all it was. | ||
| I didn't get into this, and I was like, oh, and then I'll have... | ||
| A sitcom, and then you get told right away like... | ||
| Well, what year did you come along? | ||
| What year did you come along? | ||
| I started in 90... | ||
| 97. Okay. | ||
| Maybe 98. That was like the peak of the sitcom days. | ||
| That was Friends. | ||
| That was... | ||
| That was everything was still on the air back then, right? | ||
| Seinfeld had... | ||
| What year did Seinfeld end? | ||
| I want to say that was like 2000... | ||
| No. 98? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I was going to say 98. 98? | |
| Yeah. Okay, and then there's Friends, which kept going a little while longer, right? | ||
| You know, and then there was like Caroline and the City. | ||
| There was like all these shows that everybody was like... | ||
| That was the goal. | ||
| The goal was to get on a show and everybody wanted and everybody got a network deal and they were handing out deals Where you would get like a couple hundred grand you didn't have to do anything and they never even made a show and then you get another deal next year There's a bunch of guys who were always having deals and that a lot of those people when I got in the comedy I'd see those people like chest out at the comic strip. | ||
| Oh, yeah and stuff but then but then Never heard of a good nothing. | ||
| I mean I wouldn't name names, but I mean it was just weird to see people that were like Oh, they just got their second deal with NBC, holding deal, or... | ||
| Yeah. Oh, they were convinced who was gonna go. | ||
| They would tell you, like, I got a million dollar backup deal, and this and that, so they have to do my show. | ||
| It's gonna be on the air. | ||
| You should play my brother. | ||
| And then it doesn't. | ||
| It's such a, uh... | ||
| Well, you see people getting really weird and acting like they're special before they're even famous. | ||
| Sure. Like, you didn't even get on the launching pad yet, and you're already acting like a fucking crazy person. | ||
| But also... | ||
| I saw a lot of that. | ||
| I've been doing it long enough to see people kind of go and be like, shit. | ||
| The acting thing seems to be going, and I'm gonna go to LA or something in entertainment, like, besides stand-up is going, and they focus on that for a couple years, and then nothing really pans out from it, and they didn't keep doing stand-up. | ||
| And then they come back. | ||
| And then they try again. | ||
| And then they're confused because I've never had my own sitcom, I've never had anything, but, like, one thing I never stopped doing was, like, working the whole time still. | ||
| So it's like you're building a fan base still. | ||
| And when people... | ||
| A lot of people left at a time where it was like, oh, this is where you have to start, you know, they went to go to acting when everyone was like, alright, this is its podcast times now and social media times and you have to get all these things going and you connect with the audience and stuff and keep performing and like they went away and then come back and it's hard to start again. | ||
| It's real hard. | ||
| They saw a lot of guys during the writer's strike try to do it again. | ||
| Because there's a few of those guys that are really good that are just writers. | ||
| And they become trapped in that velvet prison of getting that, you know, you make good money, you got a great health plan, you got a nice house, got a mortgage, maybe start having kids, and you're not really a comic anymore. | ||
| Now you're working on a sitcom or you're writing. | ||
| And the problem is... | ||
| You don't have a backup plan anymore because you can't just go on the road anymore because you don't have a fucking audience. | ||
| Right. So all those other guys that you came up with that kept their comedy up during that whole time, those guys can still tour. | ||
| Like, Fitzsimmons was very smart about it. | ||
| Like, Fitzsimmons did a lot of writing gigs, but he never stopped doing stand-up. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| Never stopped doing stand-up, and he always kept getting better. | ||
| And so, like, when writer strikes and things like that happen, Greg's fine. | ||
| Like, he sells out all over the country. | ||
| He doesn't have to worry about it, but it's because he's smart and because he's... | ||
| He like saw the writing on the wall like I'm not falling into this trap. | ||
| Well, it's a matter of what you want to do. | ||
| When you woke up in the mornings to go do news radio, were you like thrilled going to work every day or did it... | ||
| No, news radio was really fun. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| The cast is crazy. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| It was a real fun, like, environment. | ||
| We had a good time. | ||
| The writers were amazing. | ||
| It was like perfect best-case scenario for a sitcom. | ||
| And it was the second sitcom I was on. | ||
| The first one I was on was like worst-case scenario. | ||
| Not worst, but started off great. | ||
| It was on this show called Hardball with Jim Brewer. | ||
| Jim Brewer, he played one of the rival mascots, and he gets beat up. | ||
| Jim was so funny. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| It was a real funny pilot, and it was written by these guys who worked on Married With Children, and they worked on The Simpsons. | ||
| They were really funny writers. | ||
| Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran. | ||
| And these guys put together this really funny show, and then the networks just... | ||
| They just jizzed into the soup. | ||
| It was a mess. | ||
| They brought in a bunch of people that shouldn't have been there and the show fell apart. | ||
| But I got to watch these brilliant, really funny guys get their work just shit all over by the network and have it fall apart and become just a joke. | ||
| Could you have been roped into stopping stand-up? | ||
| Like not doing stand-up to go in the full-time? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| From sitcom to sitcom? | ||
| But one thing that I did do for sure is I neglected my stand-up for a few years. | ||
| When I was doing news radio all the time, the problem was in news radio in the early days, they were really long hours because we were trying to figure the show out and, you know, there was a lot of network notes. | ||
| Back in those days. | ||
| The network was really behind it, but it wasn't owned by NBC. | ||
| It was produced by Brillstein Grey. | ||
| You know, if you wanted to be on the good slots, right, so what Paul Sims would call, Paul Sims is the creator of news radio, would call it the shit sandwich. | ||
| So you'd have friends and married with children, and in between you'd have, like, kind of caca sitcoms. | ||
| It's like a shit sandwich. | ||
| We got in those spots occasionally, and every time we did, we were, like, number two in the country, number three or something. | ||
| But then we'd drop down to, like, number 80, because we got moved, like, nine different times over five years. | ||
| Nine times over five years. | ||
| So the show didn't really become successful until it went into syndication. | ||
| Nice. So it was one of those weird things, but I auditioned for two shows ever. | ||
| I auditioned for that Hardball show, I got that, that got cancelled, and I auditioned for NewsRadio. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Really? It was the nuttiest thing of all time. | ||
| So I didn't want it. | ||
| It just happened. | ||
| So it wasn't something like it was my golden carrot. | ||
| My golden carrot was just I wanted to be a professional comic. | ||
| Right. And then as I was barely making money as a professional comic, barely surviving, all of a sudden they're like, we'll pay you $25,000 a week. | ||
| I was like, what do I have to do? | ||
| Are they going to act? | ||
| Okay, now I'm acting. | ||
| And I would have moved back to New York 100% if I didn't get an apartment. | ||
| So I signed a one-year lease on this apartment in North Hollywood. | ||
| And so I was staying, and I was like, oh, I've got to stay. | ||
| Because I wanted to just go back to New York and play pool. | ||
| I would hang out with my friends. | ||
| I didn't like it in LA. | ||
| It wasn't my cup of tea. | ||
| I didn't like being around actors. | ||
| And it was hard to make friends with some of the comedians. | ||
| And the comedy store was weird back then. | ||
| So I was like, I was ready to go back to New York. | ||
| And I had this fucking lease. | ||
| So I was like, I can't break the lease. | ||
| I don't have that kind of money. | ||
| I've got to keep this lease going. | ||
| So I stayed there. | ||
| And then I got news radio. | ||
| Like, right afterwards. | ||
| Which is great. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| That's a whirlwind for sure. | ||
| It is funny, though. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Just that lead of that, like, that you're supposed to do. | ||
| Like, to me, it was sitting for whatever the 10th time, and watching, especially actors, like, walking back and forth, like, how serious they're taking getting there. | ||
| And I'm just, like, holding the sides barely, and I'm like, what's, like, three lines we gotta say? | ||
| Like, relax. | ||
| And I didn't book stuff, but it's also just, like, as I'm sitting there, like, I don't know if I want to be the, you know, the trident cinnamon gum. | ||
| I don't know if I care. | ||
| If you get it, it's almost like, fantastic. | ||
| You know, like, that's great, but... | ||
| If you get it, it's extra money. | ||
| Sure. But then once you get all the extra money, you don't have to really do that anymore. | ||
| And that's when you got to decide. | ||
| Like, what do you... | ||
| Like, one of the things that I had to decide after I did Fear Factor, I was like, okay, no more of that, please. | ||
| Yeah. And I did it one more time. | ||
| I did it one more time when, in 2011, Fear Factor came back for a brief amount of time, and that's when they made people drink jizz. | ||
| That's when it got canceled forever. | ||
| Until Ludacris came back and did it on MTV. | ||
| No jizz. | ||
| Then the no jizz rules. | ||
| They toned it down back then. | ||
| But it was... | ||
| There's a different thing that's happening when you're doing something just for money. | ||
| You're just like, okay, it's worth it. | ||
| It's worth it for this amount of money. | ||
| And then you've got to know what to do with that money. | ||
| You've got to plan your escape. | ||
| I used to have to like... | ||
| Like talk myself into like when I would get those we're like talking head shows I think on History Channel we did like I love they were trying to do like a spoof of I love the 80s and I love the 90s they would do like I love the 1880s or I love the 1890s or whatever and they would give us like history stories and write jokes and you're gonna do talking head things and I would look at it as the burden of that next day Yeah, | ||
| I gotta wake up at 8:00 to go into the city and like To do this thing, I look at all the stuff and I'm like, it's network, it's history channel, so I can't really do exactly what it is I do. | ||
| And then, because I'm going to go as close as I can to my own voice, it's probably not going to get a lot of stuff on anyway. | ||
| But I had to really commit to myself. | ||
| There was a kid across the street from me when I lived in South Jersey for the couple years who was in a Froot Loops commercial, and he said he might as well have been Brad Pitt. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| To me, I was like, he's been on television. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm going to do a TV show tomorrow. | ||
| History Channel or anything. | ||
| If you told me when I was 12, 13 years old that, hey, you want to do a TV show, be on TV on the History Channel? | ||
| You'd be like, no. | ||
| TV? Is that possible? | ||
| So you have to remember that it is pretty extraordinary to have some of these opportunities. | ||
| But man. | ||
| So I try to take them in when I have them. | ||
| I was in the movie Hustlers. | ||
| As the strip club DJ. | ||
| What is Hustlers? | ||
| It's a it's a true story of the girls at scores who were like robbed the strippers that were robbing the guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh really? | |
| When did that movie come out? | ||
| A couple years back now, but uh shit maybe like seven years six seven years ago, but I was the strip club DJ in that and like I really had to Go there because I look at that in hindsight of it. | ||
| It's like it was two 14-hour days of like nothing so much nothing going on, right? | ||
| You're just waiting around yeah And just whiffing when I had these opportunities. | ||
| But also trying to take in, I'm like, holy shit, that's Usher over there. | ||
| And that's fucking J-Lo. | ||
| As I'm sitting here like, when do you guys need me again? | ||
| It's like J-Lo's in a thong, like, you know, twerking on stage, like doing her scene. | ||
| And you're like, oh, I should really enjoy some of it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| J-Lo was on stage twerking? | ||
| Yeah, I introduced her big dance. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| 2018, maybe? | ||
| Yeah, my voice opens this scene. | ||
| Damn, is that really J-Lo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. So this is her 10 years ago? | |
| 50 years old. | ||
| Not then she wasn't. | ||
| Yep, she was 50 on set, yeah. | ||
| Wait a minute, how old is she now? | ||
| You said this was 2000 what? | ||
| 2000 when? | ||
|
unidentified
|
2019, 18. Was she really 50 back then? | |
| Yeah. God, that's six years ago. | ||
| She's not 56. She's 19. Okay, how old is J-Lo? | ||
| So she's 56, I guess now. | ||
| Is she really? | ||
| Whoa! That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. Bro, what is she doing? | ||
| I don't know, but she looked fantastic. | ||
| And it really shined a light on this girl's narrow Asian ass. | ||
| It really shined a light on that. | ||
| When they were choreographing them together on stage, it looked so shitty. | ||
| Yeah, she looks great. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| She seemed nice. | ||
| I tried to talk to her once and I whiffed hard. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| I just... | ||
| Did you get panicked? | ||
| I planned... | ||
| You thought you could be number six? | ||
| I planned what I was going to say. | ||
| That's what the problem was. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| Yeah. How bad? | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| I said when she... | ||
| Next time she turns around, because she seems nice, she's going to like... | ||
| At some point, she's going to talk to me. | ||
| We're doing this one scene together where she hands me money. | ||
| And I say like a line. | ||
| And every time they yell cut, she'd put her robe on and turn around. | ||
| Talk to her assistant, but I'm like, she does seem nice, and she's gonna turn around and ask me some version of how you doing, and I'm gonna say, you know, I'm just living the life of a fake strip club DJ, and that's gonna make her giggle, and then we're best friends for life. | ||
| And instead of waiting for her to say anything, the next time, her eyes just crossed my eyes. | ||
| I went, living the life of a fake strip club DJ. | ||
| Like, followed her face. | ||
| And she was like, excuse me? | ||
| And I was like, oh. | ||
| And then her assistant started laughing at me. | ||
| And then I demanded to go outside to get a soda. | ||
| They were like, we'll get you a soda. | ||
| I'm like, please let me go outside and reset this moment. | ||
| I hate this. | ||
| Yeah, you can't have a diva roll her eyes at you. | ||
| That'll fuck your confidence up. | ||
| No matter who you are. | ||
| No. Jennifer Lopez rolls her eyes at you. | ||
| That would hurt so much. | ||
| How does she look so good? | ||
| I don't know, but she really did. | ||
| It's pretty extraordinary. | ||
| It's that thing, it's a person that's in a room, and you're like, oh, a celebrity's here. | ||
| I could give that off. | ||
| Right, but it's like, think of her beauty, and then that other lady that you said that did a bunch of shit to her face. | ||
| Probably the same age, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| You know what's also in that movie, by the way? | ||
| A young, only one song out Lizzo, and everyone was so excited for her, and I didn't know who she was, and they were talking about the celebrities that were going to be there today, and she's playing a stripper. | ||
| And I was like, hmm, I'm wondering who it is. | ||
| And then, hours later, my next question was, I'm like, who's the big fat stripper wearing the fishnet outfit? | ||
| And they're like, that's Lizzo. | ||
| Yeah, like, that's Lizzo. | ||
| I was like, Christ almighty, are they making her do that? | ||
| And again, it's my own fat insecurity that I put out on other people. | ||
| Almost like I said that guy earlier who's like the robe open. | ||
| There's got to be guys that want to see that. | ||
| I'm impressed with that because what I have is much more, which I always found interesting, Chris Farley, you know, this most famous thing ever is the Chippendale sketch with Patrick Swayze. | ||
| I've always thought, and I just know this from, I'm good friends with his brother and from years of reading stuff about it, like that's... | ||
| If you want to trickle back what killed him, it's essentially that. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| It's like he hated, he was willing to do it, like I'll be the fat gross guy, but he hated it. | ||
| He didn't want everyone to think he was fat and gross. | ||
| So I have a hard time with those kind of things. | ||
| So I'm impressed also with someone who's like, ladies, you know, with their fucking fat rolls on their sides, welcome to the party. | ||
| How do you do it, man? | ||
| And Lizzo just like, fuck it, I'm wearing a thong. | ||
| Don't. You don't have to. | ||
| It's one of those things where it's like you want to celebrate people that don't care. | ||
| Like, yeah, you go. | ||
| But also, yikes. | ||
| Yeah. It's also yikes. | ||
| It's always lies, too, by the way. | ||
| She's lost 100 pounds. | ||
| Well, also, remember when she was accused of fat shaming all the girls that she worked with and making hookers eat? | ||
| Yeah, making each trip her pussy and shit. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| Whatever was going down. | ||
| Whatever she was accused of. | ||
| I don't know if it was real. | ||
| But it's like the Chris Farley thing, I never would have imagined that he hated doing that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, he loved making people laugh, but he hated that it was at the expense. | ||
| And I don't think I'm speaking at a school here. | ||
| But it never seemed like that stuff did bother him, I think. | ||
| He wanted girls to like him. | ||
| He wanted, you know what I mean? | ||
| So that's why he got big into drugs. | ||
| Are you basing this on conversations that you've had with people that know him? | ||
| Conversations, I've watched so much stuff on him. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And you could see, like, you know, they... | ||
| Again, it's people reading and stuff, but I think also from talking to his brother and stuff. | ||
| I met him once. | ||
| I met him once when he was in the throes of it. | ||
| Really? Yeah, there's a couple of people that I met where their skin looked like wet cardboard. | ||
| It was the consistency of wet, gray cardboard. | ||
| Like sweaty, gray cardboard. | ||
| So he was on the set. | ||
| Hanging out there was always like a lot of fun people that were on the set that you got to meet and He wasn't working on the show. | ||
| He was just there to hang out and so I Ran into him like during the craft service table area and he was just looked terrible and I don't know like what year did he die? | ||
| I Think late 90s also So this was around 97-ish, somewhere around then. | ||
| So news radio was 94 to 99. December, week before Christmas. | ||
| That's when he died. | ||
| 33. So it might have been the year he died. | ||
| Yeah. Because he looked like hell. | ||
| He looked like he was just so sweaty and so gray. | ||
| He just looked fucked up. | ||
| One other time, there was a dude that I ran into at the improv, and he couldn't form sentences. | ||
| He had like the same gray skin and he was talking to me, but nothing made sense But he just kept talking and he could he couldn't form sentences and I was like this is the craziest thing I've ever seen It's also weird to get into that and then still be around comedy just be around public You're hanging around with people at a bar and you you you're so gacked up You can't even form a sentence. | ||
| I have a hard time with I mean I can I so I can get caught up in like the The dramatic conversation of, like, the science of comedy and, like, all the internal things and the manipulation of it. | ||
| But at the end of the day, it's so silly when, like, it's taken so seriously in some way, too. | ||
| It's not like, you know, unlike Daniel Day-Lewis, who has to be Lincoln all day, someone can go, Jay, they're calling your name on stage. | ||
| And you can go up there. | ||
| I don't have to, like, find my place. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, oh, I'm not even, you know. | ||
| Oh, hang on. | ||
| You know, you just go on stage and be like, shit. | ||
| I didn't know they were calling me. | ||
| Sorry, everybody. | ||
| But also, you're doing sets multiple times a night. | ||
| You're doing multiple sets a week. | ||
| You're so comfortable being on stage. | ||
| It's not like, action! | ||
| Right. You know, you're Lincoln! | ||
| Go! Yeah. | ||
| Four score and seven years ago. | ||
| You mess up a line, they gotta go, change the gate! | ||
| They gotta do a bunch of fucking things. | ||
| Yeah, and there's always someone who wants to come in and touch up your hair, and then there's fucking people moving around, and there's always so many support people, it's hard to just keep your fucking concentration. | ||
| Some people like being doted on. | ||
| Dan Soder, I've always been, he likes acting, and not even just acting, he likes the day. | ||
| He takes the day in the trailer, and he said he'll write jokes, and... | ||
| He's a happy dude. | ||
| Dan Soder seems like he's always happy. | ||
| It's hard to imagine him being even angry. | ||
| He was talking to me about somebody who ripped off one of his jokes, and even that, the way he's talking about the guy ripping off his joke and confronting him about ripping off the joke, it's still... | ||
| Pleasant. He's being silly. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's being silly and laughing about it. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| Oh, he's the best, for sure. | ||
| Great demeanor. | ||
| So that's like a glass is always half full guy. | ||
| He's fine with doing a little acting here. | ||
| But what he wants to do is stand-up. | ||
| He's a great stand-up. | ||
| No, no, he's a great stand-up, and he does want to do stand-up. | ||
| And if he wants to make shows, he's got a lot of interest that I think will be great at all of them. | ||
| I'm just saying more like, you know, I'm losing my train of thought. | ||
| Well, you don't have to do all that other stuff. | ||
| And the thing is, back in the 90s, we all thought we had to do that other stuff. | ||
| I would have never imagined quitting a TV show just so I could do stand-up on the road. | ||
| First of all, you needed a TV show so people would come to see you. | ||
| That was a big thing. | ||
| Back then, people came to see you if you were on The Tonight Show, or if you had an HBO special, or if you had a sitcom. | ||
| That's why I was always so impressive, a person like Regan. | ||
| Yes, I was just going to bring him up. | ||
| It's like, you did it straight through comedy, man. | ||
| Just organic. | ||
| And got to theaters. | ||
| Yep, huge theaters. | ||
| It sells out instantly, just because he's so good. | ||
| You know, it's funny, the quietest, the people who are the most surprising, there's... | ||
| Huge earning comics that you've never even heard of and stuff. | ||
| I always look up, like, Shonda Pierce is a lady, just like an old lady from the South, but she's multi-millionaire, sells out, she performs at, like, churches and stuff. | ||
| Really? Yeah, but it's just stand-up, and it's just, like, the most mundane, like... | ||
| But it's not for me, obviously, but, I mean, with this... | ||
| Kind of whatever, you know, like act that you wouldn't impress anybody, she's making millions. | ||
| Christian comedy is a tough sell. | ||
| Yeah, well, but there's a market for it for sure. | ||
| There is a market for it. | ||
| I remember there was a bunch of people that went into Christian comedy. | ||
| There was like a Christian comedy tour. | ||
| Back in, like, yeah, it was terrible. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| To want to go to that seems boring. | ||
| Even if you were religious, like, I don't want to go watch religious comedy. | ||
| But it was like the most aw shuck stupid shit about, like, the guy's dumb and my wife always tells me I'm dumb and she's right. | ||
| It's why Nate Bargette is so impressive to me and always has been is because he's clean in that way. | ||
| You can call him a Christian comic and it doesn't matter because if you just watch the comedy, if you're not listening to all the labels being put on him, he's just brilliant. | ||
| Yeah, it's just brilliant. | ||
| More than brilliant. | ||
| Hilarious. Fucking hilarious. | ||
| Hilarious and squeaky clean. | ||
| Yeah. And you throw him on anywhere in a lineup. | ||
| Yeah. It doesn't matter. | ||
| Gary Goldman was so impressive in that way, too. | ||
| It just didn't have to be dirty. | ||
| Like, almost like subjects. | ||
| You were someone who said to write a joke about this subject. | ||
| You're like, nah, that's corny. | ||
| Well, Gaffigan's the best example. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then they do it and kill it. | |
| Yeah, he's great, too. | ||
| Gaffigan's been killing it forever. | ||
| Squeaky clean. | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's a market. | ||
| Like, again. | ||
| Everyone shouldn't be that. | ||
| Right. That's the Hannah Gatsby argument she made. | ||
| That's the really... | ||
| Whatever my opinions about our comedy are, are meaningless. | ||
| It was an article she did where she was like, if you're not using your comedy to move society forward in some way. | ||
| Should I say that? | ||
| Yeah. That's hilarious. | ||
| Like, you're wasting time, basically. | ||
| Like, you need to come and talk about your rape, or you're wasting time doing comedy. | ||
| And it's like, or you're not being personal. | ||
| I go, so you're saying, like, Dave Attell, Brian Regan, Carrot Top. | ||
| You're saying people just shouldn't be in comedy because they're a different... | ||
| Like faction of it than you? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| And God forbid if everybody started doing Hannah Gadsby style quality, she's fucked. | ||
| She's not gonna be the best at it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. It's like, why are you welcoming? | ||
| It's like, why don't you stay, keep your lane and be happy with how great it is. | ||
| Here's the other thing about comedy. | ||
| Like, you should be funny first. | ||
| If you want to do all that other stuff too, but if you want to do all that other stuff and you call it comedy, but it's not funny, like you're doing something where you're just trying to educate people, hey, you missed the whole mark of this whole thing, and to say that that's the most important thing, | ||
| the only people that would say that are people who aren't funny. | ||
| Yeah. That's it. | ||
| That's the only people that would ever think that the most important thing is to move social justice forward with your comedy. | ||
| If somebody told me I made them think on stage, I'd go, about what? | ||
| About what? | ||
| Listen, you could be as social justice-y as you want. | ||
| You could talk to your phone. | ||
| You could make long rants on reels. | ||
| You could do podcasts. | ||
| You could do whatever you want. | ||
| Talk about issues. | ||
| But when you're on stage, what you're supposed to be doing is be funny. | ||
| Now, if you can be funny with some sort of grand message that makes everybody Bill Hicks clap at you, that's great. | ||
| That's not the goal. | ||
| The goal is to just be funny. | ||
| And if that's your goal, you want to be funny with a social justice... | ||
| Great! Nothing wrong with it. | ||
| But you gotta be funny. | ||
| You can't, like, fake it and get clapped-er and think you're... | ||
| Anything I would even say with passion on stage, I could end just as easily by going, or not. | ||
| You know, or maybe I'm completely wrong. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Definitely. How the fuck would I know? | ||
| Remember guys would do this when they were bombing? | ||
| Hey, how about a nice round of applause for the ladies? | ||
| Give a round of applause for all the ladies in the crowd. | ||
| In the black comedy circuit, those were the funniest, how many they would give. | ||
| He goes, how about for a lady? | ||
| He goes, how about for a brother doing the right thing, staying out of jail, doing the right thing, trying to do the right thing? | ||
| Yeah, they'd get a clap. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| And then it was positive energy. | ||
| The show was going your way. | ||
| But we all used some crutching. | ||
| I went, I think, so... | ||
| Not just because I was like, you know, obviously inspired by like the Dices and stuff for the comics that I like, the dirtier guys. | ||
| But I would go dirty because I found out pretty early, if you go dirty, even if you don't get the laugh because the joke wasn't good, you're gonna get the groan and it was a noise. | ||
| Yeah. Because that was it to me. | ||
| Again, I said the silence was the thing. | ||
| Once it was silent, I was like, someone please save me from this. | ||
| It's going so bad. | ||
| Yeah, if you get a few... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Yeah, at least you're like, ah, they're with me. | ||
| You can kind of laugh that off yourself, yeah. | ||
| And then if you're laughing genuinely, maybe people will start smiling. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fucking weird art form, dude. | ||
| But, you know, kudos to you for just doing that. | ||
| Because that's the way to do it. | ||
| And then Legion of Skanks, too. | ||
| Like, what Lewis and you guys and Dave, what you guys have done is so interesting because you did it all without ever worrying about being, like, removed from YouTube. | ||
| You know, because you did it all on his network, on Gas Digital. | ||
| I mean, he started Gas Digital essentially for Legion of Skanks, more or less. | ||
| So smart. | ||
| And it would have, like, a platform that they really can't get rid of. | ||
| Yeah, because it limits your reach a little bit. | ||
| But over time, people figure it out. | ||
| That's why Skankfest is so fucking huge. | ||
| Skankfest is nuts, dude. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| It's been great doing New Orleans this year. | ||
| I should have got in when I could have done it. | ||
| Now it seems like I don't... | ||
| There's too many people. | ||
| I'm getting anxiety. | ||
| There's a lot of people, for sure. | ||
| But it's amazing how, like... | ||
| You'd have a blast. | ||
| It's such a celebration of people just being stupid and having fun. | ||
| Absolutely, and there's no, like, you know... | ||
| No pretense. | ||
| No, and I said they all look the part, but they're such great comedy fans. | ||
| And by the way, also, I mean that in the sense that there's been so many people who have been like... | ||
| Skankfest isn't my thing. | ||
| I'm like, dude, they're gonna fucking lose their minds for you. | ||
| Yeah, you don't even know. | ||
| It's like they're comedy fans. | ||
| They're not just like our fans exclusively. | ||
| They're also fans of people that are willing to do real comedy in this fucking bizarre world where you're being told that the most important thing is for you to do social justice on stage. | ||
| Which I shouldn't say that's the world now, because it's not. | ||
| It was the world like four years ago. | ||
| Four years ago, you heard that a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And that's kind of died off. | ||
| And there was a bunch of things that killed that, but I think the real nail in the coffin, the final one, was the Tom Brady roast. | ||
| Yeah. I think that was the grand nail in the coffin of woke comedy. | ||
| Well, all you had to show people was that there was, like, if you stick with something for a minute, like, there is an audience there. | ||
| You're just listening to a bunch of lunatics screaming with nothing to do with their lives. | ||
| But if you give it a second, like... | ||
| Conversely, as much as people are writing, they're angry about this. | ||
| There's a zillion people who just like it. | ||
| Yeah, you can't cater to the people that are upset at what popular thing there is out there. | ||
| Can you imagine writing a letter to ACDC? | ||
| Like, this last record sucked. | ||
| The second song's okay, but the third song blows, and the fourth one's like... | ||
| That's the fuck you, you're not funny person in the crowd. | ||
| There's always going to be a percentage of them. | ||
| It's an unavoidable aspect of human nature. | ||
| There's a bunch of people that don't do anything, can't contribute, and want to knock down everything they see in front of them. | ||
| There's a bunch of people that were born with amazing genetics that just have this superiority over everybody that they believe is real. | ||
| Especially if you're pretty and everybody wants to fuck you and you think you could yell at anything at the guy on stage. | ||
| Maybe you hate men because your ex-boyfriend's a piece of shit and you've had a couple of cocktails and fuck him and fuck this guy. | ||
| Don't fucking say women can't do it. | ||
| Are you trying to break down your bit? | ||
| Well, that's the best. | ||
| I had a lady heckle me once where I was trying to explain. | ||
| I was doing this bit about... | ||
| I had a bit about the guy who broke into the White House. | ||
| Because this guy... | ||
| Some fucking maniac broke into the White House. | ||
| He just hopped the fence, ran across the lawn, and broke in, and there was a lady guarding the front door. | ||
| And he smacked her to the ground and just ran through. | ||
| And he got tackled by an off-duty Secret Service guy. | ||
| It was like getting a cup of coffee and sees this fucking guy running through the White House, and he tackles him. | ||
| And the joke was about a woman being a security guard at the White House. | ||
| And the joke was supposed to be, I know, because... | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| I shouldn't be a security guard at the White House. | ||
| I go, and you know how I know? | ||
| Because I met Shaquille O'Neal and his dick is where my face is. | ||
| It was like if the White House is experiencing a shack attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world. | ||
| You know shit? | ||
| So the whole joke was about that and I couldn't get it out because this lady's like, bullshit, bullshit. | ||
| So the joke was, women can't do everything men can do because men can't do everything men can do. | ||
| That's why we have the Olympics. | ||
| There's some people that can just do shit that regular people can't do. | ||
| And one of those things is guarding the fucking White House. | ||
| Like, you should be a big fucking giant dude who's capable of extreme violence. | ||
| But this bitch wouldn't let me get this out. | ||
| She's like, and I try to explain to her, this is how the joke goes. | ||
| And then I went further into the joke, and she chimed in again. | ||
| I explained the joke, and then she was like, okay. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I'm saying I can't do it. | ||
| I've gone hard at female cops so much. | ||
| It's so great when I meet female cops that are like... | ||
| They usually have a great sense of humor about it, quite honestly. | ||
| But I will film and send to, like, Soders, who I'll do it to. | ||
| I watch Cops still a lot, like clips of the show Cops. | ||
| And there was one I watched recently that was just about... | ||
| It's a female cop. | ||
| Whenever it's a female cop, I'm like, I get my phone ready in case I have to film this. | ||
| Because I go, it's always going to be something hilarious. | ||
| And they're always in the way somehow or something. | ||
| And they're trying to stop this guy. | ||
| You know, he's on foot, black dude. | ||
| And this lady's like, let me see your ID. | ||
| Let me see your ID right now. | ||
| And the guy's just slowly backing away, and then he just decides to go start running. | ||
| And he runs, and this girl is chasing him. | ||
| This black guy is so far away from her, it's ridiculous. | ||
| And then, just coming, zipping right past her is a dude cop who just catches the guy and tackles him. | ||
| And then the rest of the time, it's her standing over her, breathing hard. | ||
| She's like, son of a bitch got away from me. | ||
| And she's like, lady, what are you doing? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I saw... | ||
| One time I was waiting outside of a doctor's office in New York and I saw a guy who was naked with his hospital gown on the floor next to him. | ||
| This isn't outside of a hospital, by the way. | ||
| It's just a doctor's office. | ||
| This guy left the hospital clearly. | ||
| He's naked. | ||
| Still has his bracelet on. | ||
| He's flapping his dick around. | ||
| So I call the cops and I go, hey, I think there's a guy who got out of a hospital here. | ||
| He's naked and he seems pretty unruly. | ||
| He's like screaming shit. | ||
| He's being kind of weird. | ||
| And they go, will you stay on the phone with us and let me know when the officers get there? | ||
| I go, sure. | ||
| And then a big NYPD van pulls up, and two tiny little ladies get out. | ||
| And I started laughing on the phone, and I'm like, yo, I don't think these ones are going to be able to handle it. | ||
| You might want to send somebody else. | ||
| And they go, why? | ||
| I go, because it's like two tiny ladies, miss. | ||
| And this guy's like, I'm going to have to get involved now, and I don't want to. | ||
| And then the guy stood up, and he's walking towards them, and the ladies are like, first of all, already touching their guns, which is like... | ||
| Again, not really necessary. | ||
| The guy's naked. | ||
| He doesn't have a weapon, but it's just they're so tiny. | ||
| Like, how many options do they have if he goes at them, right? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| If you're a small woman and a naked guy is coming your way and you don't know how to fight and you have a gun, you're grabbing your gun. | ||
| And the guy just went up to them and just stood about seven feet in front of them and started pissing at their feet. | ||
| And then finally, another cop car came with a guy who just, I mean, got out of the car right away, grabbed him by the arms, you know what I mean? | ||
| Put his arms behind his back and they put the... | ||
| The thing back over him, his gown back on him. | ||
| But it was just like... | ||
| The guy had to pee. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| He couldn't find his clothes. | ||
| But it's just so wild that I'm like, why are these two a team at all? | ||
| Yeah. I mean, I would like to say that women could do everything men can do. | ||
| But I think in that circumstance, you'd probably want a big man. | ||
| Field police work? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You're dealing... | ||
| One of the scariest videos that I ever saw was this guy. | ||
| This lady pulled him over on the highway and the guy gets out and he's... | ||
| Beating the fuck out of this lady cop and his daughter, the guy who's beating the cop, his daughter is saying, Daddy, stop. | ||
| Daddy, stop. | ||
| Because he's just beating the shit out of this unconscious lady. | ||
| It's so scary. | ||
| It's so scary because there's no way she should have been in that situation. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| A chubby female cop to boot is the funniest, too. | ||
| You're like, what is happening? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| What is the problem they're going to solve? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| But they're in the way. | ||
| I was at a casino once, and this person, who I thought, air quotes, was a woman. | ||
| And I was talking to, and she was a security guard. | ||
| Like, five foot five. | ||
| Like, shorter than me. | ||
| Security guard. | ||
| Woman. I thought. | ||
| I thought it was a woman. | ||
| And it wasn't disturbed by the fact that she was a security guard. | ||
| None of it. | ||
| But then at the end of the night... | ||
| I had been talking to these people, you know, the show was over, and I was like, well, ladies, it was really nice to meet you. | ||
| And she says, actually, I'm a man. | ||
| And she says it, like, with a woman's voice. | ||
| And I'm like, stuck. | ||
| You know, I probably had a couple cocktails, just did a show. | ||
| And I'm probably gonna go, nah. | ||
| For sure? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| So I said, I'm sorry. | ||
| I didn't mean anything by it. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I gave her a hug. | ||
| Hugged everybody on the left. | ||
| I felt proud of myself that I didn't say something. | ||
| You should have nut-checked her. | ||
| It's just like, definitely you're not, but whatever. | ||
| To think that I should have known, that's crazy. | ||
| That you identify as a man. | ||
| I had something turn on me so bad with that. | ||
| Not even a mustache. | ||
| At a diner. | ||
| It was me, Josh, Adam Meyers, and my girlfriend went to... | ||
| A concert and we went to a diner afterwards. | ||
| And where they sat us at this diner, our table, was facing the booths that are going across. | ||
| And the booth right across from where I'm staring is this cute girl and what I thought was a goth guy. | ||
| I thought it was like a goth dude who's wearing like kind of fishnet stuff and everything. | ||
| And they are making out hard. | ||
| Like going. | ||
| They're going for it. | ||
| And I'm like, you know, we're kind of like laughing it off. | ||
| Almost, at first, you know, like, alright. | ||
| I guess, like, they're going... | ||
| But then it starts getting, like, there. | ||
| Like, she's, like, getting in a position, the girl, the only girl, I thought, when, like, the goth guy, he's rubbing, like, her pussy over the pants, and she's, like, writhing around and stuff. | ||
| And this is going on. | ||
| Then they stop. | ||
| In a diner? | ||
| Yeah. Then they stop. | ||
| Then they start again. | ||
| It's at a point where I go, laughingly, though, too, I kind of go, alright, come on. | ||
| And they're like, they have like an, oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you thing? | ||
| Now there's people, they're in a booth, and we're the only people who see them. | ||
| We're facing them. | ||
| These booths are other people, but they're just not paying attention to what's going on there. | ||
| I'm just having to look at it, and I'm like, alright. | ||
| And they're like, what's the problem? | ||
| And I'm still just kind of laughingly going like, I get it, but like, you know, I'm doing like a, guys, I'm like, you're fucking at the table. | ||
| I mean, like, it's crazy. | ||
| We're in a diner. | ||
| And then it's getting shitty about it, and then I'm just like, I don't know what the problem is. | ||
| I'm like that's crazy what you're doing and everything and I'm like we're not wrong here and then she was and then she goes would you have a problem if we were a straight couple and I was like I thought that was I thought that was a guy as I didn't know it wasn't a straight couple and then Whatever it all kind of calms down and then our food's coming Which is weird we still have to sit there and I go yeah I'm gonna go outside and smoke a cigarette and like regroup here a little bit biggest mistake I ever made because I went outside and I'm this is like a big glass front restaurant | ||
| you know diner and I'm smoking right outside the diner and I'm watching the narrative get created in the room without me being in the room like the people behind and the staff coming up and being like the we're sorry things People have to still act like that people still act like that today and when I go back in the E I mean we are Pariahs I just feel like and then the host guy Uh, | ||
| who like, you know, seats everybody as gay, and he's side-eyed. | ||
| It's just, it was so uncomfortable, and I was like... | ||
| How'd you explain yourself? | ||
| We didn't do anything. | ||
| No, there was nothing to explain. | ||
| He just went to kind of awkwardly give us our food, and I'm like, you guys are mad somehow at me. | ||
| How much spit do you think you ate? | ||
| Oh, so much. | ||
| So much spit. | ||
| It was shitty food. | ||
| Then I told that story on my radio show. | ||
| It was funny, and somebody, like, messaged, like, the Yelp or whatever of the thing, and they were like... | ||
| That guy was being transphobic, and this is a welcoming restaurant who allows anybody in. | ||
| It's like, how is this the narrative of what happened? | ||
| They got you. | ||
| They got me. | ||
| They got you. | ||
| Completely created around me. | ||
| I wouldn't have cared if it was trans. | ||
| I thought it was a straight couple fucking in a diner booth that I wanted to stop. | ||
| Yeah, people are good at spinning a tail. | ||
| And by the way, I said it's always the in-betweens, too. | ||
| In full disclosure, if the guy had what I thought was the guy... | ||
| Had that girl's like shorts to the side, and I was watching him finger, I wouldn't have said a word. | ||
| I would just sit there and just drank it all in. | ||
| Interesting. It was just- It wasn't going hard enough. | ||
| It wasn't soft enough or hard enough. | ||
| It was Goldilocks right in the middle, and I don't want to see you guys dry hump while I'm eating. | ||
| Either finger, where we can all see, or fucking take it down the road. | ||
| It's hilarious that they put that. | ||
| Put transphobia on it. | ||
| I mean, the whole diner when we went back in was like, these intolerant people go, I don't care if that's a girl. | ||
| It means nothing to me. | ||
| They didn't see it. | ||
| Also, maybe if they announced there was a girl out of the gates, I might have not said anything either. | ||
| Just two chicks going at it. | ||
| I'm like, look at these two wild motherfuckers. | ||
| Right, you just thought it was crazy that it was a dude doing that. | ||
| Yeah. That's funny. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It's weird how we look at that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but I said you get wrapped up in a thing, and you're like, you're transphobic. | ||
| That has nothing to do with any of this. | ||
| It's a problem, because that label, you can just slap on someone when you're talking about, like, male athletes that identify as women competing in girl sports. | ||
| Like, that's not transphobic. | ||
| That's just, we're talking about something crazy. | ||
| Can I be trans-weirdic? | ||
| Is that a term? | ||
| Just be like, I think that's weird that, uh... | ||
| That there's a 6'7 woman beating up an actual woman in a ring? | ||
| There was some lady who was just arguing that there's no biological difference between men and women. | ||
| Nice. I'm going to send you this, Jamie, because it's so kooky. | ||
| You're like, come on. | ||
| Doctor Who. | ||
| You can't really think that this is true. | ||
| This is... | ||
| No biological difference? | ||
| There's no difference between men and women's strength. | ||
| Pennsylvania state senator said there's no biological advantage for men in women's sports or disadvantage for women in men's sports. | ||
| That's a woman? | ||
| A woman said this. | ||
| This is so crazy. | ||
| I just sent it to you, Jamie. | ||
| It's so kooky. | ||
| You're like, come on. | ||
| I know you want to believe this, but if you're going to be on TV saying things, it has to make some kind of fucking sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Female bodies are just as strong, fast, and capable as male bodies. | |
| I want all girls to know that there are elected officials like me who would never underestimate your ability to beat a boy at their own sport because that's what the premise of this bill assumes that female bodies | ||
| are less than male bodies for what reason other than political gain are we spending time and taxpayer dollars on a completely made-up issue so female bodies are | ||
| That's so crazy! | ||
| She just got caught up in the woke... | ||
| Bullshit. She lives in an echo chamber, probably. | ||
| All the people around her are all either in academia or in some sort of left-wing fucking ideology. | ||
| And they really believe that. | ||
| And they believe that you should say that. | ||
| Because if you're not saying that, you're saying women are less than men. | ||
| That's not what anybody's saying. | ||
| Strength and speed and athleticism is not all of life. | ||
| Well, you made the point. | ||
| There's men that are less than men in different areas. | ||
| Yeah. Of course. | ||
| They're called coders. | ||
| They're out there. | ||
| They're incels. | ||
| They're online. | ||
| They're making apps. | ||
| There's a lot of different roles for people. | ||
| It doesn't make you a man just because you can run faster than everybody else. | ||
| But to say that men can't run faster than women is just, you're denying statistics. | ||
| And science and all the information that we have gathered forever. | ||
| We have so much data. | ||
| High school 15-year-old boys beat the women's soccer team. | ||
| The professional team. | ||
| So shut the fuck up. | ||
| This is stupid to say. | ||
| This is stupid to say. | ||
| It's not transphobic, homophobic. | ||
| It's not gender-phobic. | ||
| It's not misogynistic. | ||
| It's just a fact of physical nature. | ||
| Also, if you hit the pinnacle, the fight's over. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| If you go, like, women's sports is highly attended. | ||
| It's given the same amount of TV time as men's sport and everything. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, not enough. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Like, now I want to be in men's sports also. | ||
| Well, that's the craziest one. | ||
| When the WNBA players want as much money as the NBA players. | ||
| The NBA actually generates extreme amounts of revenue. | ||
| Somebody wrote a joke about it. | ||
| The WNBA wanted what their just pay was, and so they owe $400 million. | ||
| Because that's really what... | ||
| How it balances out. | ||
| It's like a losing... | ||
| It's never been profitable. | ||
| Do you know with those things, but again, it's like you're helping the one to hurt the many in so many things, too. | ||
| It's just like that video Shane showed me this years ago. | ||
| The blind kid playing football. | ||
| It's like a little boy playing Pop Warner football and he's blind. | ||
| And I'm like, who's this for? | ||
| Where is your dad? | ||
| Why is he letting you do that? | ||
| Who is this for? | ||
| Is it Daredevil? | ||
| And the kid gives a speech. | ||
| In the video, he gives a speech and he goes, he goes, a lot of people say blind people can't play football. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, everybody. | ||
| And you've never seen this video? | ||
| No. This is maybe my favorite video on the internet. | ||
| Blind football, Jamie, if you could. | ||
| This is, it's a 30-second video. | ||
| The song they pick for this is the greatest thing in the world. | ||
| So here's the thing about the WNBA. | ||
| If you love the WNBA, that's great. | ||
| There's a certain amount of people that love the WNBA. | ||
| It's great that women have an avenue for professional sports. | ||
| But you only get paid as much as people are willing to go to see you. | ||
| And if they're not willing to go to see you, I'm sorry. | ||
| Because they want to see dunks. | ||
| This kid's blind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's that kind of confidence that continues to amaze people who watch Dylan play. | |
| Oh, this is so crazy. | ||
| Blind. Oh, this is so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't see, and a lot of people think that a blind person can't play football. | |
| But this courageous youngster has proven those people wrong. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| I mean, you can't play football by smell. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| But again, what you're actually doing is making this game not fun for anybody else out there. | ||
| Right. You can't hit the blind kid. | ||
| No one's going to hit the blanket, and if you do, you're a dick. | ||
| You're just running around, so you have one less player, for real. | ||
| It's just like your team has decided to be on a handicap so you can get on the news. | ||
| We used to play basketball on a story every Wednesday, and Nate Bargazzi one time brought his friend Nick Novicki, who's a little person, comedian, and he brought him, and we were like, oh, he's going to play? | ||
| Like, alright, I guess. | ||
| And we let him play, and every time he'd get the ball, the defense would lay off him and let him shoot. | ||
| And he'd make it or miss it, but it was what it was. | ||
| And then he started, when everyone would lay off on defense, instead of shooting the ball, he'd try to run in and do a layup, and we're letting him. | ||
| Until eventually Nate Bargazzi, of all people, goes over and just cleaned his shot right into the projects. | ||
| He just sent him away. | ||
| He's like, we can't just let this happen the whole time. | ||
| It becomes not fun for everybody. | ||
| When I was a kid, I remember very few stories, but there was a handful of the girl that fought to get on the men's football team. | ||
| Football's such a violent sport that to let girls play it, they have to put them in lingerie. | ||
| The lingerie football league is the only visible women playing football sport. | ||
| I don't know, but I wanted to start taking bets on it. | ||
| That was a thing, right? | ||
| At one point in time? | ||
| Oh yeah, and they hit hard. | ||
| Never saw roller derby. | ||
| There's also buns in basketball where they have morbidly obese black chicks wear thongs and play basketball. | ||
| I haven't seen that. | ||
| Oh. But roller derby is like a really hardcore lesbian type activity, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| I would assume, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like really hardcore dyke bar girls with fucking weird tattoos. | ||
| And there's some element of wrestling to it also. | ||
| It's like not fully real. | ||
| Very aggressive. | ||
| They slam into each other. | ||
| They get fucking crazy. | ||
| Lingerie football, if you look up lingerie football's biggest hits, it's nuts. | ||
| This is not lingerie, but I saw they made a deal for something to air on ESPN2 this year. | ||
| This is like a women's tackle football league championship game from last year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| These are chicks? | ||
| Yeah. Come on. | ||
| Go back. | ||
| That was a hell of a play. | ||
| Whoa. That's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
30, 40-yard pass. | |
| Caught it. | ||
| What? Oh, my God. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Dude, they look pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. This looks better than WNBA. | ||
| Maybe they found it. | ||
| Maybe women's tackle football is what's up. | ||
| Because you're going to see a lot of tackles. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if they get jacked up like they do in the NFL or anything. | ||
| Well, they have to. | ||
| They're running into each other. | ||
| Well, here's what's funny about this. | ||
| These hits are pretty good, but they're wearing actual football pads. | ||
| Lingerie football's biggest hits are they're wearing... | ||
| Bikinis. Yeah, they're wearing shoulder pads and lingerie. | ||
| They look like the fucking, like the Legion of Doom. | ||
| They fucking used to come out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is it? | |
| Dude, they whale each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they really? | |
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| And titties never come out. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| They must have the thing strapped down. | ||
| That's... Ouch! | ||
| Ouch! It's like these pileups are crazy. | ||
| How much staph infection is coming out of these fucking things? | ||
| I've seen a lot of staff. | ||
| I've seen a lot of staff happen in the future, these ladies. | ||
| I mean, they blast each other into the sides. | ||
| You're going to get scratched up bad. | ||
| You're going to get staffed for sure. | ||
| But I will say, the fact you get 22 girls on a field who are not fighting the idea of like, oh, so we just got to dress like sluts to play football. | ||
| They just go, yeah, we're just like sluts to play football. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Why are they shamed? | ||
| If you find buns in basketball. | ||
| We should buy a franchise, dude. | ||
| I'll go Havsies with you. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| There's a couple of BBLs in there. | ||
| Actually, see if you can find the Benzen basketball leg break. | ||
| There's a girl who fucking... | ||
| She has a Paul George-like fucking leg break. | ||
| Because she's just fat and she falls under the weight of her dribbling. | ||
| How bad is it? | ||
| It's pretty gnarly. | ||
| It's not the worst I've ever seen. | ||
| It's not Tom Segura's arm bad, but it's close. | ||
| That was bad. | ||
| That was so bad. | ||
| It's because when he pulls it back and it's flopped. | ||
| It's the Anderson Silva retracting the flopped leg. | ||
| You know, his arm still is fucked. | ||
| Tom's? Yeah, still not 100%. | ||
| Oh, I'd have to assume. | ||
| His grip is still fucked up. | ||
| He had a bunch of nerve surgeries and shit. | ||
| Yeah, that was gnarly. | ||
| Dude. Imagine if anyone was playing defense. | ||
| Just going for a layup. | ||
| It just pops. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God! | |
| It just snaps. | ||
| For buns and basketball, of all things. | ||
| Oh, it just snapped. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Hey, I can tell it's going to rain tomorrow. | ||
| How do you know that? | ||
| Old buns and basketball injury. | ||
| Bro, those are bad injuries. | ||
| The femurs are a real bad one because you got to get blood flow to it. | ||
| Sometimes it takes a long time. | ||
| Sometimes it doesn't fully heal. | ||
| Yeah. I know a couple will be a little broken femurs. | ||
| That's the most painful one. | ||
| Yeah, I know a dude, Frank Mir, he was a UFC champion. | ||
| He got hit by a car when he was on his motorcycle, and he got thrown through the air. | ||
| And he was a giant fucking dude. | ||
| He came back, too. | ||
| It took a long time, but he was really back-back. | ||
| It took well over a year and a half, two years, before he was really performing at the same level. | ||
| I mean, you'd have to ask him. | ||
| Then he came out and fought Brock, right? | ||
| He was like the right of way. | ||
| Yep, he fought Brock, he knee-barred him. | ||
| Yeah, that was all after the accident. | ||
| Man, UFC really has straightened out your belief in other people from other sports, saying, like, I can come do mixed martial arts. | ||
| Very few could ever pull it off, but Brock pulled it off. | ||
| I mean, the funniest one for me was, again, just that blind belief I had in Kimbo Slice. | ||
| I don't know why I didn't think that Roy Nelson would just hold him on the ground and mush his face until a referee was like, hey, leave him alone. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He's a tough motherfucker, obviously. | ||
| If he was fighting just stand-up only, he's very dangerous. | ||
| If bare-knuckle boxing was around back then, he would have been a huge star of bare-knuckle boxing. | ||
| He would have fucked a lot of people up bare-knuckle boxing. | ||
| But once you add in the wrestling, and Kimbo had a bunch of knee injuries from football, you can't really grapple at full capacity with knee injuries and learn grappling at 35 or however old he was. | ||
| But, dude, kudos to that guy for having the courage to actually just get into the UFC Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| With very little grappling against... | ||
| Roy Nelson was a jiu-jitsu black belt. | ||
| Henzo Gracie black belt. | ||
| Like, Roy Nelson's fucking legit on the ground. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| Big country. | ||
| He was so fun. | ||
| He was so heavy, too. | ||
| Big old belly. | ||
| He knows how to hold people down. | ||
| And he was like, he would shut up Burger King. | ||
| He'd go to Burger King after the fights and stuff. | ||
| He also could fucking... | ||
| Punch, dude. | ||
| That guy could punch. | ||
| He had some of the craziest one-punch knockouts ever. | ||
| Does that career amount to, like, is he sitting on money now, like a guy like that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't talked to Roy in forever. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He wound up fighting for a bunch of different organizations when he left the UFC. | ||
| I think he fought for Bellator. | ||
| But that guy has some crazy highlights. | ||
| He knocked out Schaub one shot. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| He knocked out a lot of people, dude. | ||
| He'd connect on people. | ||
| They would go night-night. | ||
| It was nuts, man. | ||
| He knocked out Mitrione. | ||
| He knocked out a lot of fucking big, tough dudes. | ||
| When anybody comes to show up, I'm always like, it's not even the wins he's had more than I'm like, this guy's not afraid of you. | ||
| He's been punched by the best. | ||
| I promise you, whatever you think he thinks you can do to him, it's not as bad as that. | ||
| He's been beaten up by world champions. | ||
| And he's knocked out world champions. | ||
| He knocked out Mirko Krokop. | ||
| Which was crazy. | ||
| Like, Mirko Kropkopp, back in the day, was the fucking man. | ||
| Sure. He was like the first elite kickboxer to really excel in MMA. | ||
| He was the first guy to show all these other strikers that you don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| When he started fighting in pride, it was like, this is another level. | ||
| He would kick... | ||
| People in the body and you would see like there's a photo of him Keith kicking Heath Herig and his fucking shin is halfway into his ribcage It's so nasty when you look at the photo of it You just go the amount of power that that guy could generate in his kicks like there was nobody like that before him and kickboxing or in MMA rather I felt so bad the first that first UFC coming back during a quarantine It was so important to everybody. | ||
| I don't know if it was the first one or the second one that came out, but that was when I was like, man, you've got to really pick your timing on when you're going to shout out what you're dedicating a fight to. | ||
| Because there's that poor guy. | ||
| He lost his stepdaughter, and then he came out wearing the shirt of the stepdaughter who passed away. | ||
| And it was all dedicated to her. | ||
| I mean, you can see, as Alistair Overeem beat him into submission with punches, the referee was even kind of going like... | ||
| Come on, man, please try to fight back. | ||
| I said at the end, Alistair Overeem should have been like, it's okay, everybody. | ||
| I was also fighting for his stepdaughter. | ||
| I'm like, yay! | ||
| Yeah, it's tough. | ||
| I mean, but to shout that out, like, before, yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| It's a lot of weight on YouTube. | ||
| Those are great YouTube compilations. | ||
| The cocky fighter comes in the ring to lose. | ||
| Oh, there's always, like, the guy pushes the guy at the weigh-ins and starts shit at the weigh-ins and gets knocked unconscious. | ||
| There was one, a guy came in the UFC cage. | ||
| I forget who it was, but the way he entered the ring, he did a thing where he hung on the outside of the cage and swung into the ring and did some crazy move. | ||
| It was an immediate knockout. | ||
| It was like a 30-seconder. | ||
| Well, it's like you planning to talk to J-Lo. | ||
| You just gotta let things happen. | ||
| You can't plan things out. | ||
| The inauthenticity of your planning will come to haunt you. | ||
| Yeah. Also, the shit you talk through life is also in broadcasting. | ||
| As you start to get guests, it starts to haunt you. | ||
| It's like the thing, like, Howard Stern had to make a gazillion apologies, I assume, by the time the guest he got on, because we've done it. | ||
| Man, we fucked up so bad. | ||
| We came in one day, we saw Bret Michaels in the Fishbowl. | ||
| It was when me and Soda were doing the show still. | ||
| The Fishbowl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the Fishbowl? | |
| Of SiriusXM, it's like there's a studio that you could see into right in the front there where they'll do performances and stuff. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And we were up in the Fishbowl one time, we saw Bret Michaels when we came in talking to somebody. | ||
| And then we go on air, and almost like for the bit, we're like... | ||
| How do we never get offered these guys? | ||
| There's always celebrities here and they weren't even brought to us as we can get them. | ||
| It's so fucking crazy. | ||
| And I go, right now as we speak, Bret Michaels is out there and we said something about his bandana being attached to his hair. | ||
| And I think Soder said they lower his bandana hair onto him like Darth Vader. | ||
| He just sits there and they lower it on. | ||
| And then they come back and they go, he said he's willing to come in. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Then he comes in and he's lovely. | ||
| This guy was making Future promises with us of what stuff he wants to do with us and hang out and come be a part of his summer festival and broadcast from there because he loves us so much. | ||
| But his manager was listening the whole time, and he said as soon as he left the studio, they went, those guys are not your friends. | ||
| And you're like, ah, shit. | ||
| Fuck. Shit. | ||
| He's got to understand. | ||
| They didn't know you. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| No, they know you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're talking shit. | |
| It's natural. | ||
| Corey Feldman hates my guts, and it's like... | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| Well, I've never non-stopped talking about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've seen the videos. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We've never stopped going. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Do you hate on his dancing? | ||
| Yeah. Maybe it's getting better. | ||
| We're not even hating on it at all. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I want to do nothing different. | ||
| And I wish they tried. | ||
| He tried to have us not allowed at his show, and he opened for Limp Bizkit. | ||
| Not allowed? | ||
| Yeah, and this head of security was a fan. | ||
| He came over to me and Bobby Kelly, and he was like, yeah, he goes, he was asking if you guys were coming. | ||
| I said yes. | ||
| Then he asked if he could not let you in, and I was like, well, they're not. | ||
| Doing anything, not threatening you or anything. | ||
| They're coming to watch a show. | ||
| And he was like, well, can I at least know where they're sitting at? | ||
| And he goes, it'll be wherever the most excited people are. | ||
| And son of a bitch, where are we? | ||
| I mean, we were a sprout of grass on a dirt field of people. | ||
| I mean, we were the only ones. | ||
| We were hyped. | ||
| I know all the words. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| But that was the genius of Howard Stern that I fucked up when I started getting into broadcasting. | ||
| I broadcasted always like it was going to be me talking to a friend or friends. | ||
| Shooting the shit. | ||
| Right. Not that you're going to come across these people. | ||
| So I would have played more what Howard Stern was always great at. | ||
| It's like, take the lunatic, but he's always going to be like, no, you're great. | ||
| Dude, you're the best. | ||
| And let the world make the joke. | ||
| Right. Instead, I go at it, but I was like, man, I would have loved to just have Corey Feldman come in bi-monthly to do it. | ||
| Hey, you got a new song? | ||
| Play it, dude. | ||
| I'll bite my fucking finger while I... | ||
| Poor Corey. | ||
| The thing about Corey that really does bother me, like legitimately. | ||
| We're so happy. | ||
| Oh, this is him? | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. Yeah. | |
| He yells at his band. | ||
| It's such a weird... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guitar solo. | |
| He doesn't know how to play the guitar. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| But he just does a solo. | ||
| How can you do a guitar solo if you don't know how to play a guitar? | ||
| Does he actually not know how to play a guitar? | ||
| Like, do you know how to play? | ||
| No. No, no, but you don't have to know how to play to know he does not know how to play. | ||
| I could do what he's doing, for sure. | ||
| But then, here's what he did. | ||
| I don't know what the trickleback is, but I said, after that was going viral, the guitar, I was like, why doesn't this guy just come out and say, like, if he's kind of like, no, I get it. | ||
| I get the joke, too. | ||
| Like then it kind of puts people in there and stops them in their tracks and then he kind of did that he came because of course It's the worst guitar solo ever of course. | ||
| That's why I'm doing it like it's funny and it's like now and Fred Durst came out to watch him do it to prove he was doing it because we're spreads Durst is smart like Howard Stern He makes him think he's his friend, but he's a way bigger enemy than I could ever be to him Because he's going like dude go make an ass of yourself in front of all these people He's a young star guy that grew up to become a man, | ||
| and they're all weird. | ||
| There's no way you could be a star at six years old and come out normal. | ||
| You don't have a normal life. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Is there nobody? | ||
| I don't think there's one. | ||
| Everyone that I've met, I mean, there's some really talented people like Miley Cyrus and people that were childhood stars that are cool to talk to, but they struggle. | ||
| It's a struggle. | ||
| All of them struggle. | ||
| Everybody struggles. | ||
| Like, Punky Brewster's probably fine right now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't even know what that is. | ||
| Punky Brewster? | ||
| You don't remember that show? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| So, Leo Moon Fry, she had the biggest titties when we were kids. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| She made a great documentary a few years back. | ||
| No, that's right. | ||
| But then she became like a mom and got out of the business. | ||
| Yeah, you can do that. | ||
| But if you want to still... | ||
| Oh, you're saying if you're still clamoring for the fame. | ||
| Yeah. But I don't know how many people came out of the fame as a young person and were fine. | ||
| But the people that stay... | ||
| And keep doing it, they're not fine. | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| I mean, maybe there's a few. | ||
| I'm not saying it's impossible to do, but I'm saying the challenge of becoming a normal person with a normal view of the world when you're getting doted on when you're six and you're the moneymaker in the house when you're a little kid, | ||
| like your parents stop working to manage you, like that kind of shit. | ||
| Like those Carter kids. | ||
| I mean, that Aaron Carter kid was... | ||
| Lost. He's doing gay porn at the end. | ||
| Not gay porn, but gay cam stuff. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. Just whacking off on camera with face tattoos. | ||
| Didn't he have a boxing match against Lamar Odom? | ||
| He's supposed to. | ||
| I don't know if it ever ended up happening. | ||
| I think they did. | ||
| I think they did. | ||
| And it's so crazy, because he's this skinny guy with not a muscle on his body, and Lamar Odom used to play for the WNBA. | ||
| Isn't that true? | ||
| Yes. They did have it, yeah. | ||
| It did happen? | ||
| Yeah, Lamar just beats the brakes off him. | ||
| I mean, you have to assume. | ||
| He's a former professional athlete. | ||
| The fact that, and Chuck Liddell is the fucking, look at the size difference. | ||
| This is so crazy. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's trying to punch him. | ||
| Aaron Carter, he's letting him hit him. | ||
| He just kind of, he touches him once. | ||
| He's like letting him hit him. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's sad to watch. | ||
| It's almost like, it looked like, oh, there you hit him with the left hand. | ||
| What's really sad about it, Oh, it's horrible. | ||
| It's not just people watching you fight that wigs me out so much. | ||
| It's that there's something that knowing how to fight and the form of what you're doing looking any kind of good. | ||
| Especially if you're street fights, I mean, when they devolve into, like, you know, like, men swinging like this, you're like, oh, man, we really all suck at the end of the day at this. | ||
| Like, it's so hard to keep, like, a... | ||
| A fighter's composure on a street fight. | ||
| Oh, especially if shit's going down. | ||
| Yeah, unless you do it all the time. | ||
| I remember watching these two guys fight in front of the comedy store. | ||
| And it was across the street when the House of Blues was over there. | ||
| So it was right in front in the parking lot. | ||
| These guys start yelling at each other and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And they get out like almost in traffic. | ||
| They're like on the sidewalk, like right where the street tumbles out. | ||
| And I see these two guys facing off and I see the white guy. | ||
| There's like a white guy and this looks like an out of shape. | ||
| African-American fella and the white guy starts swinging with almost like with his eyes closed and then the bus goes in between them so I can't see them and then as the bus goes back the white guy's out cold flat on his back spread eagle and The black guy's already running away He's out cold. | ||
| They were just squabbling in front and I don't remember how it was. | ||
| I just remember this. | ||
| I remember this, and then the bus, and then out cold. | ||
| Do you have to deal with, uh, because I mean, I know from, like, when Lewis was working with Biz Bing and stuff, and he'd go to Vegas, uh, he'd be like, they were all surprised at how many drunk guys at the casino try to, like, give him shit. | ||
| Oh, there's a bunch of idiots out there. | ||
| I was like, do people come to you all the time? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| You know karate for real, dude? | ||
| No. If you hang out with enough drunks long enough, someone will. | ||
| Just avoid those areas. | ||
| It's just drunk people. | ||
| But if you're one of them and you're hanging out and you're drinking with people, yeah, there's people who used to get stupid with Chuck Liddell when Chuck Liddell was the light heavyweight champion. | ||
| He was the scariest fucking human on the planet. | ||
| And people would get stupid with him. | ||
| They're on coke. | ||
| They don't know what they're doing. | ||
| They're out of their fucking minds. | ||
| People are gacked up, fucked up. | ||
| They're crazy anyway. | ||
| They're schizophrenic. | ||
| There's so many nuts out there in this world. | ||
| The most thing about fighting, too, is endurance. | ||
| That's what most people don't have in any kind of fight. | ||
| If it's not over in 30 seconds, everyone's holding each other. | ||
| One of my favorite things I watch, I watch a lot of body cam crime shit on YouTube. | ||
| And there's one. | ||
| It's a Key West. | ||
| It's a couple. | ||
| The guy's hammered. | ||
| He's got money, for sure, this guy. | ||
| He's just trying to pay his bill with a library card or something, where he doesn't know what's going on. | ||
| And he's barking at the staff, and then someone on the staff pushes his face, and then breaks into this melee, but it's 50-something-year-old white people getting into a fight, and one guy gets him in a side headlock, useless, and then they both sort of fall down, | ||
| the husband and this guy who intervenes. | ||
| And the guy who intervenes eventually puts his, like, legs, you know, puts in his hooks, basically. | ||
| But does nothing. | ||
| Doesn't choke the guy out. | ||
| They're just kind of sitting there, two old, exhausted guys. | ||
| Ten minutes later, at least, they get up and they kind of have, like, the you're a pussy, you're a pussy kind of thing. | ||
| And they leave. | ||
| Then it cuts back to the cops outside and they want to talk to the guy who intervened. | ||
| Not mad at him, they just want to get his side of the story, what happened. | ||
| And this guy... | ||
| It's just an old man, and the cops are questioning him, and they start to lose their patience because he just wants to keep telling his hero story. | ||
| He just watched what happened. | ||
| It's just two old men holding each other on the ground. | ||
| He goes, guy came out of nowhere and punched me, and I grew up doing this shit, man. | ||
| So, you know, I told the guy, I go, you got two ways this can go tonight, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| He goes, you could knock it off or I could beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| He's telling this to the cops? | ||
| Yeah, you might be able to find it. | ||
| We're very classy. | ||
| Body cam, we're very classy people. | ||
| Maybe, hopefully you could find it. | ||
| But when he's telling the cop, then he goes... | ||
| He's like, I told him I could beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| He goes, alright, so then you were able to subdue him? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| I took him down and I'm like, he goes, I don't want a problem with you. | ||
| And I go, you want no parts of what I'm about to bring to you, my man. | ||
| And none of this happened. | ||
| You just watched the video where you just grabbed him. | ||
| They flopped on the ground and laid there exhausted for 10 minutes while the lady screams. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| And it's just like, just a guy talking with that belief. | ||
| Yep. So this is the video. | ||
| Let me see some action. | ||
| So that's just them getting on the ground. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Will we get in trouble? | ||
| Will we lose the YouTube rights? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Okay, don't give me any volume then. | ||
| So that's them. | ||
| Yeah, they just stay there and eventually get up and have the hands on each other. | ||
| Yeah, they're up. | ||
| No, wait. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's right after the video. | ||
| But we're not going to be able to play it. | ||
| Oh, you can't play the audio? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they'll fucking get us on YouTube. | |
| If you're commenting on it, it's commentary. | ||
| Are you allowed to? | ||
| It's this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was probably the first guy. | |
| These guys fucked with the waitresses. | ||
| Dude, what are you doing? | ||
| The guy fucking punched me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said, dude, you don't want to get into this with me. | |
| I grew up doing this shit. | ||
| I said, don't do it. | ||
| I drug him to the ground. | ||
| I said, you got two options. | ||
| Either stop or I'm going to beat the living fuck out of you. | ||
| Okay. So I said, that's how it's going to go. | ||
| And he said, I want a problem with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said, you want nothing to do with what I'm going to bring to you. | |
| Oh, yeah, no, it's right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he goes, there's only one more thing where the cop cuts him off. | |
| Yeah, right there. | ||
| The cop cuts him off. | ||
| He doesn't want to hear what he says anymore. | ||
| He goes, so you were able to get him on the ground. | ||
| He goes, got him on the ground. | ||
| And I said to him, he goes, you had him on the ground. | ||
| Stop telling us you're... | ||
| I mean, the way this guy speaks, it's like... | ||
| The Bushido Code states that if the weapon is drawn, it must taste blood before put away. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| White people fighting. | ||
| That's what this is. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| And it goes nowhere. | ||
| No one's going on the ground. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| This is a lie. | ||
| Oh, now they're on the ground. | ||
| But he's like, I drug him on the ground. | ||
| Really? The husband drags him on the ground, technically. | ||
| Yeah, it's a disaster. | ||
| But tell us, my friend Justin Silver used to have my favorite joke about that kind of personality, though. | ||
| He's like, he's like, I'm a liar. | ||
| I lie about everything. | ||
| And he was like, I'm the guy who gets into a situation with somebody in the street, and then I don't do anything, and then I go home, shadowbox, and call my friends and tell them all the things that I wish I did, like it actually happened. | ||
| And his line was, if I did all the things I told my friends I did, my name would be Indiana Bon Jovi Balboa. | ||
| When you're a kid and you You have a situation like that happen the rest of the day you play it in your head like what I should have said. | ||
| Oh, man Yeah, I wish I had another chance I would have said well fuck you because that's the worst when it goes away Yeah internal dialogue things like for the rest of day. | ||
| What should I have said and you like plot it out and plan and scheme I'll find him again one day one day. | ||
| I'm gonna find that asshole that I've done dumb things though where it's like anyway with No real trained preparation for any of these situations. | ||
| I always had a car. | ||
| And when you're younger and have a car, it's destroying you financially, usually. | ||
| Like how much it costs to have a car. | ||
| So it means a lot to you. | ||
| No matter how shitty it is. | ||
| When people would fucking hit my car, New York's a big thing with that. | ||
| You stop short. | ||
| And a pedestrian just like, you know, slaps the front of your car or something. | ||
| Dude, to this day. | ||
| I would get irate by that. | ||
| To this day, I think about one guy. | ||
| I had a little Honda CRX. | ||
| And I was driving in New York. | ||
| And I was making my way into this intersection. | ||
| And I got stuck in between lights. | ||
| And then people started walking. | ||
| And I tried to find, like, some space where I could not be in the intersection. | ||
| And there was a nice gap. | ||
| And so this guy wasn't close to the car. | ||
| So I started moving forward. | ||
| And he whacks my fucking car with a briefcase. | ||
| And I was like, I'm gonna pull over. | ||
| I'm gonna put this guy in the hospital. | ||
| This crazy wild thought, like I'm gonna pull over and I'm just gonna go smash this dude. | ||
| And I said, no, just drive, just drive, just drive. | ||
| And like for years, I would think about that guy. | ||
| For years, this arrogant cocksucker hitting my car with a fucking briefcase. | ||
| It's what unites me and Lewis. | ||
| We both have a crazy need for justice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's why I like those stupid revenge movies. | |
| It's justice. | ||
| So it's that. | ||
| It's the thing. | ||
| It's like the guy who did that thing, I have like a, I bet he won't do that anymore. | ||
| I bet he won't do that anymore after I've sorted this situation out. | ||
| But I mean, it's so dumb. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's a dude thing too. | ||
| Getting out of the car. | ||
| I mean, one time so early when I was coming to New York, what became my ex-wife. | ||
| We were just dating at the time in a car, driving a Saturn. | ||
| Guy trying to impress two girls he's with that he goes by, just like slaps the front of the car. | ||
| And then they walk into Washington Square Park. | ||
| And I, like, I'm just stewing in it. | ||
| Like I bark some shit out the window. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| For seconds. | ||
| I'm stewing in it. | ||
| And then I pull over with my new girlfriend. | ||
| I go, wait here. | ||
| And she goes, what? | ||
| And then I begin to... | ||
| Run after this guy into the park. | ||
| What I'm not thinking about is as I'm running, when I finally find this guy on the other side of Washington Square Park, I turn around. | ||
| Dude, he could have pushed me over with a feather. | ||
| I was like, what's up, motherfucker? | ||
| You want to fucking slap your scars? | ||
| And luckily, I just scared him with my size, I guess, ultimately or something, because he didn't do anything. | ||
| But I was like, as soon as I got there and spun this guy around, I'm like, I'm done. | ||
| I'm so exhausted from running. | ||
| I never run. | ||
| I sprinted to find him without thinking that I'm giving all my energy to that run. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| You need like a half hour to recover. | ||
| He just fucking hit my car, man. | ||
| And he was luckily apologetic and like, whoa, dude, I don't want any trouble. | ||
| You're like, it's fucking ain't right. | ||
| It's fucking ain't right, you don't want any trouble. | ||
| I took ten extra minutes walking back to the car, leaving my girlfriend in the car, because I didn't want her to see how heavy I was breathing. | ||
| I had to get it all back together and just come back to the car and be like... | ||
| Scared that pussy. | ||
| Such a dumb thing to do because you could do it to the wrong guy. | ||
| Of course, my instincts are terrible on it because I do. | ||
| I don't get out thinking like... | ||
| And then as soon as someone pulled out a gun, I'd be like, none of this was worth it. | ||
| Guy just slapped my car. | ||
| Every now and then you'll see someone do something stupid and the person they're doing it to actually knows how to fight. | ||
| Those are very satisfying. | ||
| So satisfying. | ||
| Yeah. There's one with cops. | ||
| Check the Terrence McKinney. | ||
| The UFC fighter? | ||
| Sure. Put it up on his Instagram page today. | ||
| So this cop tries a shitty double leg on this guy, and the guy knew how to fight, and the guy sprawls, and the cop tries to hit him, and the guy cracks him, and the guy tries to tell him, hey, stop! | ||
| And then the cop, watch this. | ||
| Like, look at the cop. | ||
| Shoots a shitty double. | ||
| Nice sprawl. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Pushes him off. | ||
| Got him in a headlock. | ||
| Let's him go. | ||
| Cop punches. | ||
| Bam! Drops him with one shot. | ||
| Hits him a couple more times. | ||
| Hits him again. | ||
| Rocks him. | ||
| The cop is getting rocked. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And the guy wasn't doing anything. | ||
| He was just arguing with the cops. | ||
| I don't know if that was a cop. | ||
| Is that a cop? | ||
| It's some kind of like security. | ||
| Some security, something. | ||
| He's got a badge. | ||
| And he's wearing white gloves, too. | ||
| White gloves. | ||
| The gloves are... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gets his dukes up. | |
| Like, he had some training, but he massively overestimated his ability. | ||
| Like, look at this shitty double leg. | ||
| Show me that shitty double leg again. | ||
| Watch this shitty double leg. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Terrible! No drive at all. | ||
| Scared of the concrete, so he's trying to double leg without his knees going to the ground. | ||
| He doesn't want to really drive forward. | ||
| There's a great video of a very in-shape cop, and he's going at it with a teenager who's really talking shit. | ||
| And he's like a wiggery kid doing like a, yo man, take off that badge, you know what's up? | ||
| Take off that badge, take off the vest, boy, you know what's up? | ||
| And he just keeps going to him and the cops eventually like, hey, you keep balling up your fists, man. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Just relax. | ||
| Like, I'm just, what are you doing here? | ||
| I'm just seeing who everybody is, you know? | ||
| He's like, yeah, you know what's up, pussy, take that vest. | ||
| And when he gets in his face one time, he just grabs him by the shoulders, puts his foot behind him, I mean, places him on the concrete. | ||
| And how fast the kid's like... | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Whoa, we got a little nuts back there, huh? | ||
| I saw that one. | ||
| Yeah, those are fun. | ||
| And fat women getting tasered. | ||
| That's my other favorite thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet that young man was under 25. Oh, no doubt. | |
| His brain was mush. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| But it is funny when they have to come back and they go, I was being crazy back there. | ||
| That's why they send those young boys out to war. | ||
| Because they're all fucking piss and vinegar? | ||
| All piss and vinegar with a non-fully deformed brain. | ||
| Yeah. Not fully formed brain. | ||
| They just fucking take that gun and here's some meth! | ||
| Let's fucking go! | ||
| There was a guy in the audience last night. | ||
| We did story wars at Mothership, and there was a guy in the front who wears a brace around his body. | ||
| We asked him why. | ||
| He was stabbed in Afghanistan, hand-to-hand combat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| It was a gunfight, and it ended up being hand-to-hand combat. | ||
| He said he knocked the guy down, didn't confirm that he was out. | ||
| And then when he took his attention away, the guy reached up and stabbed him. | ||
| Right in the fucking chest, basically. | ||
| Pretty wild. | ||
| And we were like, and we're looking at this guy, we go, in Afghanistan, he was 18. He was 18. Wow. | ||
| I think he said the 16-year-old, the kid who stabbed him, was 16. Jesus Christ. | ||
| Such a wild thing. | ||
| It's intense. | ||
| It's a little too intense. | ||
| Don't get in fights, kids. | ||
| That's our message, right? | ||
| If you can avoid it. | ||
| Absolutely. I've avoided all of them. | ||
| I tried to... | ||
| I got into a thing, a road rage thing, where I knocked a guy out. | ||
| He wasn't very big, and I basically got out of the car, and he was right away, didn't want to do anything, and I mushed his face. | ||
| He was drunk, and I kept mushing his face until he would throw a drunken punch, and then I hit him, and I caught him. | ||
| Only time I'm in a fight in my life where I caught him, first shot, and he literally, like, folded on the ground, and then I got in my car, drove away with my current girlfriend, Christine, and when we... | ||
| We got, like, a few blocks away, my, you know, my adrenaline started going down, and I was like, and so, jokingly, almost, I just look at her, and I kissed my bicep, like, one shot, and she goes, uh, she goes, she was, like, really pissed. | ||
| Like, she didn't think it was funny or anything, and I was like, but it wasn't even, like, kind of hot that I just knocked that guy out with one shot, and she was like, no, like, what if you killed him? | ||
| Like, his head bounced off the ground. | ||
| Like, what, it's all for what? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| That is a great point, I guess. | ||
| It's a real good point. | ||
| I'm like, what a great fucking point. | ||
| Because I'm walking away from that like, hey, I didn't even get touched, and I got Sweet Beautiful Justice, you know, the way I'm always searching for. | ||
| And she was like, no, what if he killed him? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, there is a point there for sure. | ||
| I often think about that with that guy in front of the comedy store. | ||
| What if you'd kill somebody? | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, you never punch somebody in the face on the concrete if you can. | ||
| Like a good trained fighter probably punching the body. | ||
| Yeah. Just because they don't want to go to jail forever. | ||
| One of Kevin James' friends went to jail for like seven years. | ||
| He was a bouncer at a nightclub in Long Island. | ||
| Knocked a guy out, the guy falls, hits his head, dies. | ||
| Happens. Yeah, but didn't Harry Houdini get killed from a gut shot? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, like a punch to the stomach, he died days later. | ||
| Yeah. Because like an organ busted. | ||
| You never think about that. | ||
| You want to give everything you got to a face punch, and then you're like, boy, I sure hope I don't blind him forever. | ||
| These are all things that could happen. | ||
| All things that could happen. | ||
| Alright, Jay, I love you to death. | ||
| Let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Can I plug up? | ||
| Yeah, please do. | ||
| My first half of Double Crowdwork special. | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| Them is currently out. | ||
| Second half, they. | ||
| It's coming up 420. | ||
| All done at the Denver Comedy Works. | ||
| We're almost at a million. | ||
| One of the best fucking clubs on earth. | ||
| That club rules. | ||
| That club is so great. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Well, you guys do the same thing. | ||
| Everyone's Facing Forward and Yonderbegs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I thought about that when I was designing my club. | ||
| I was almost going to do the seats like she has them when they're all locked down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Wendy's the best. | ||
| Shout out to Wendy. | ||
| We love her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| Thank you. |
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