Feb. 6, 2024 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:11:15
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Boys. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Salute. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Bud Light came all the way back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They came all the way back. | |
| Matt, you ain't responsible. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Are you a non-drinker now? | ||
| No, I drink. | ||
| I just unfortunately have a bad tummy. | ||
| Can't have gluten. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've had it since I was like 21. Is it a Crohn's thing? | |
| No, it's like celiac. | ||
| If I have it, I won't die. | ||
| I'll just start burping every... | ||
| Celiacs is rough, man. | ||
| I have a buddy who didn't know he had it until... | ||
| I think he was like 25 or something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's about when you got it, right? | ||
| 21, yeah. | ||
| Well, he probably had it his whole life. | ||
| It just felt like shit. | ||
| Yeah, maybe I have it. | ||
| We might all have it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrible. | |
| We might all have it. | ||
| You can put down 18 of these. | ||
| There's no way you can have it. | ||
| Responsibly. | ||
| Responsibly. | ||
| There's no way you're not driving. | ||
| True. | ||
| For some reason, you can do it, though. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| I've never seen anybody consume beer the way you can. | ||
| I can drink beer. | ||
| But you just stay at a level, a communication level. | ||
| Well, there's no shots. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Usually the guys, you start drinking like that, you're like, alright, what's the next thing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Shots. | ||
| That ends your night. | ||
| Yeah, there's a corner I turn where I'm like, oh no. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I get to that corner. | ||
| Really concentrating on my liver. | ||
| Come on, boys. | ||
| Pump it out. | ||
| Turning that corner. | ||
| Bud Light came all the way back. | ||
| UFC, Shane Gillis. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| For the bros now. | ||
| I mean, that's a good move. | ||
| Like, that guy that we met, the CEO, he's got it together. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| I thought you were the CEO now. | ||
| Just in commercials. | ||
| I knew you guys were going to fucking make fun of me. | ||
| I'm so happy. | ||
| It wouldn't happen without this. | ||
| Listen, I'm so happy. | ||
| I'm so happy. | ||
| It just made so much sense. | ||
| You never let them go. | ||
| You never bailed on them. | ||
| In the heart of all the craziness, he never bailed. | ||
| Kid Rock's fuckin' shootin' cases out of his ranch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That turncoat. | |
| That's your nemesis, that's your nemesis now. | ||
| I have to fight Bobby next time I go to Nashville. | ||
| You should have a duel, a classic duel. | ||
| I think it was an important moment in culture where people realized, like, You know, there's consequences for certain things. | ||
| Some people, like a guy like Kid Rock, can shoot your brand. | ||
| You've got real problems with that demographic. | ||
| Who would have guessed? | ||
| Who would have fucking ever thought that was gonna happen? | ||
| I mean, just seeing Kid Rock do that, people must have been like, oh, fuck. | ||
| You think they watched it in like a boardroom like, guys, we gotta talk about this. | ||
| That lady who was... | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| The lady who was in charge, the one lady who made that one video. | ||
| Let's move on. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Wow, I didn't see that coming. | ||
| Thanks, fellas. | ||
| I think we've beaten that fucking horse into a pulp. | ||
| It's a meaty jelly on the ground now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's been awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| I'm so happy. | ||
| They're smart, man. | ||
| They did a smart thing. | ||
| And they did a smart thing with the UFC, too. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They should make the fighters drink a beer before every fight. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think that'd be too much of it. | ||
| You know how they have monster cans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That probably won't happen, though, but why not? | |
| Why can't you? | ||
| All you have to do is put Bud Light on the bottle. | ||
| It's not like they're drinking fucking Monster during the fight. | ||
| That's what I was saying. | ||
| Are they going to say it's bad for you to have a Bud Light after a fight? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You just got punched in the head 185 times. | ||
| After the fight, yeah. | ||
| I don't think that's a tough sell. | ||
| I think those guys are cracking beers after. | ||
| Yeah, like the Sean Strickland-Drickus-Duplessy fight, those guys deserve beer. | ||
| They deserve a lot of beer after that fight. | ||
| Use them as ice packs, too, like a cold one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's like, oh, it feels good. | |
| Done that. | ||
| You know what I've never had used on me is that end swell. | ||
| They take that piece of hard steel and they push all the swelling away from your eyes so you can see better. | ||
| Oh man, where does it go? | ||
| They just push off to the side of your head. | ||
| It's just to clear your vision so you can go out there and get punched again. | ||
| Yeah, you ever see that? | ||
| That press? | ||
| No, I didn't know what that was. | ||
| That was like Tyson-Buster Douglas. | ||
| They didn't have one. | ||
| They didn't bring it. | ||
| They thought Tyson was gonna fuck up Buster Douglas that bad. | ||
| Well, he had a bad corner. | ||
| See, Tyson's downfall is largely related to many things. | ||
| Everybody falls. | ||
| They just get too big. | ||
| It's too unmanageable. | ||
| But also, Costamato died, and then he left Kevin Rooney. | ||
| And so now he's with these guys that were just like around. | ||
| And there's trainers, and it's like, he's Tyson, so he can beat everybody, anybody. | ||
| Anyway, but then he gets to this one dude in Buster Douglas who's really prepared. | ||
| His mom just died. | ||
| And he was always like that super talented guy. | ||
| Like, look how bad his eye was. | ||
| Look how bad his eye was. | ||
| And they didn't have an N-12. | ||
| They had a glove. | ||
| They filled a rubber glove with ice. | ||
| Yeah, so stupid. | ||
| I mean, you need to push on that and push it to the side. | ||
| And Tyson still almost won. | ||
| He still almost won. | ||
| He still dropped. | ||
| Yeah, that was a questionable ten count on that. | ||
| It was a questionable ten count. | ||
| It was definitely. | ||
| But there's a few of those out there in the sport. | ||
| The sport should operate on a time. | ||
| Like a digital timer should go off the moment someone touches the ground. | ||
| That's how it should go. | ||
| Because if you're a guy and maybe you like this guy more. | ||
| The fighters and the referees, they know each other. | ||
| I'm around these guys all the time in MMA. You get to be friends with them. | ||
| I'm friends with these guys. | ||
| Damn, so there's no official clock. | ||
| It's just the ref is in their head. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Well, in MMA, obviously this will count. | ||
| But in boxing, I'm sure it's kind of a similar situation where they all know each other. | ||
| Like, hey, what's up? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| Dude, I used to ref kids basketball when I was in high school. | ||
| And as soon as a kid talked shit to me, in my head, I was like, your team's losing. | ||
| I'm going to do everything in my power. | ||
| As soon as they're like, are you serious? | ||
| If a parent spoke up, I'm like, you just lost this game for your son. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Yeah, like, way to go, dickhead. | ||
| And now just the whole time. | ||
| You're just high as fuck coaching kids basketball. | ||
| I'll get like 15 bucks a game. | ||
| Some parents are insufferable. | ||
| Dude, it's insane. | ||
| They're so insufferable. | ||
| You see it in combat sports, too. | ||
| You see it, like, some parents are just so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they think, they almost want to hit the other kid that fought their kid. | ||
| Like, hey, this is the deal. | ||
| That makes sense, though. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| No, no, I'm saying, like, you see your kid getting hit. | ||
| It's not like a sport, like a football or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's like an instinct to be like, I gotta go beat that kid's ass. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| But you, you know, everybody knows what's going on here. | ||
| This is like, it's very important you don't violate that. | ||
| Especially with kids and adults, and it's like... | ||
| You're allowing another child to possibly knock your kid unconscious. | ||
| And that's the agreement you're making. | ||
| And you're trying to have your kid is trying to knock that kid unconscious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it is what it is. | ||
| It's intense, man. | ||
| When I used to coach kids, I used to take kids to fights, like young teenagers, take them to fights. | ||
| And sometimes their parents would just be fucking freaking out. | ||
| I'm so used to seeing people get kicked in the face. | ||
| To me, it's normal. | ||
| I don't have any kids. | ||
| I'm 21. And I'm like, okay, how do I talk to these parents and get them to relax and understand this is the agreement that's been made here. | ||
| You can't freak out. | ||
| Yeah, you're gonna freak your kid out. | ||
| Yeah, you're gonna freak your kid out. | ||
| You're putting too much pressure on your kid. | ||
| Like, Helio Gracie used to give his children toys and presents if they lost. | ||
| That's kind of cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just wanted them to get better. | ||
| And he's like, the fear of competition, the fear of losing is so overwhelming. | ||
| He would do everything he could to mitigate it. | ||
| And so instead of him getting fucking angry and hyped up, he would hug them and give them toys and give them things if they lost. | ||
| That's really nice. | ||
| That's kind of a good way to go about it. | ||
| Because even like basketball and football, like I've seen parents like spazz, dude. | ||
| Yeah, because if you think about it, the kid's going to try to win anyway. | ||
| He's not going to try to get his ass kicked for a G.I. Joe. | ||
| He's going to try to win anyway, so if he wins, he gets the win, and if he loses, he gets a fucking toy. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I had to bet once, my dad, if I scored three baskets in a game, I'd be able to rent Mortal Kombat. | ||
| My whole team was trying to get me, my friends were trying to get me the ball. | ||
| I sucked, dude. | ||
| Six points? | ||
| Yeah, needed six points. | ||
| Jumping six in a Summer League game is not easy. | ||
| No, it was young. | ||
| We were young, dude. | ||
| It was tough. | ||
| There was a wrestling match that was recently, this video went viral, because this kid, these two guys are wrestling, and it looks like this kid doesn't have an arm in. | ||
| It looks like he's just on the neck, which is illegal in wrestling. | ||
| You're supposed to have an arm in, and the dad jumps in, and I think he hits the kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Yeah, the dad, I believe, got banned for life. | ||
| Yeah, that should do it. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| Oh, he actually jumped in and beat the dude's ass? | ||
| He thought it was WWE rules. | ||
| He thought it could interfere. | ||
| He came in with a steel chair. | ||
| I don't know what the rules are to wrestling, so I can't tell you whether or not this... | ||
| I really know very little about wrestling, so I don't know whether or not the kid was doing something that was highly illegal. | ||
| And jujitsu looks normal. | ||
| It's like, oh yeah, he got his neck. | ||
| But I guess in wrestling you can't just grab the neck. | ||
| Yeah, you have to have an R-man. | ||
| I shouldn't even be talking about this. | ||
| I honestly should know. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| It's the things that I should know. | ||
| You know, what the limitations of their sport are. | ||
| But I just, I'm always like, it's so silly. | ||
| I guess we can choke in wrestling. | ||
| I think you could, maybe like a classic headlock. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, you could hit with a fucking... | ||
| But don't you have to have an R-man, though? | ||
| Don't you have to have an R-man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have no clue. | |
| I don't know any rules about wrestling at all. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| I was saying it's hard to drop six in a summer league game. | ||
| I wasn't poo-poo in your effort. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| If I dropped six in a summer league game, I was like... | ||
| Fell down ten times. | ||
| There's a choke where you put someone completely unconscious with one arm, with just the headlock. | ||
| It's called a bulldog choke or a schoolyard choke. | ||
| They call it a schoolyard choke. | ||
| That's how Carlos Newton beat Pat Miletic for the welterweight title. | ||
| Like way, way back in the day. | ||
| It's a crazy picture because Carlos Newton is fucking short. | ||
| Is that the one you have here? | ||
| That's the scariest guy that's ever lived. | ||
| He's the scariest guy that ever lived. | ||
| That guy used to just throw people around. | ||
| There's no way that's legal. | ||
| Because you could put someone unconscious with that. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think you're allowed. | ||
| Yeah, probably not. | ||
| Jamie, what are the rules for wrestling? | ||
| Are you around to grab someone by their neck? | ||
| Can you show me the video of the kid where the dad jumps in? | ||
| I'm not sure if I found the right one. | ||
| This one I found was... | ||
| Yeah, but the one you just showed that picture again? | ||
| That's Carlos Newton when he caught Pat Melletich. | ||
| Jeez, dude. | ||
| That's the fucking big brother, dude. | ||
| Look at that arm, son. | ||
| If you had an arm like that, you'd let it sit out the window all day long. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, ladies. | |
| Look at that arm. | ||
| Good Lord. | ||
| Probably so shredded. | ||
| Yeah, Carlos Newton was a sensational submission guy, too. | ||
| He also fought Matt Hughes and choked Matt Hughes unconscious, but Matt Hughes slammed him to the ground and knocked him unconscious, and Matt Hughes woke up first. | ||
| And Matt Hughes was like, I won? | ||
| What? | ||
| He didn't even know he won. | ||
| What happened was Carlos got him in a standing triangle, and Carlos is putting him out while he's standing up, and then Matt, in like a last-ditch effort, slams him to the ground as he's going out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's the end of a movie. | ||
| Carlos goes out and he goes out and then Matt wakes up. | ||
| And I remember being there. | ||
| Matt was like, what? | ||
| And he won from waking up first? | ||
| He was the fucking man, dude. | ||
| Back in the day, he was the man. | ||
| Matt Hughes was like the first truly elite wrestler that learned black belt level submission skills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| So they were both out. | ||
| They were both out. | ||
| And so like Matt, he doesn't know what's going on. | ||
| He sat up, so he's good. | ||
| Dude, getting slammed wearing fucking tighty-whities sucks, dude. | ||
| That sucks so bad. | ||
| It was a great fight. | ||
| Matthews was the fucking man. | ||
| Tighty-whities is a wild move, dude. | ||
| Yeah, that is pretty nuts, dude. | ||
| It is a wild move, but everybody wore them back then. | ||
| The Brazilian Vale Tudo guys, they all wore Speedos. | ||
| Because they fought like they fought on the beach. | ||
| Come on, Poha! | ||
| Yeah, pretty boys. | ||
| You got in a fight with some Brazilians on the beach. | ||
| I got robbed in Brazil on the beach. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Were they in their undies? | ||
| No, they were just in some trunks, respectable trunks. | ||
| But yeah, they told me not to walk home on the beach by myself late at night or early in the morning. | ||
| I was like, late at night I could see, but I was like, early in the morning, it's sunrise. | ||
| And I got robbed at knife point. | ||
| Damn, that must have been terrifying. | ||
| Getting your ass beat by a guy in a Speedo. | ||
| Yeah, it would suck. | ||
| What did you have to give up? | ||
| It's like seven bucks. | ||
| It was like seven. | ||
| I had my wallet, or I had my credit card, and then I remembered I had money in my shoe or something, and they were pissed. | ||
| I'm like, oh, here, I have this, too. | ||
| They were kind of nice about it. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| They were like, sorry, we're really hungry. | ||
| And I was like, hey, thanks for not stabbing me, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I was. | ||
| I was like, you get out of your body. | ||
| When you're getting robbed, you're completely out of your body and you're just like, uh... | ||
| That is kind of a cool way to rob someone. | ||
| Sorry, we're really hungry. | ||
| Yeah, I had a phrasebook on me and my credit card. | ||
| They took out my credit card. | ||
| I'm like, yo, you guys can take this to the Mac machine and just get a bunch of money out. | ||
| And they were like, I didn't know what that was. | ||
| And then they took like seven bucks off me and they went through my phrasebook and they were laughing at stuff that I had circled. | ||
| It was like, I want you. | ||
| They're like, ah, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was pretty cordial, the whole experience. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That made fun of it? | ||
| That made fun of my phrasebook. | ||
| They were like, bah, they're flipping through it. | ||
| When you land in Rio, you drive through the favelas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so scary. | ||
| And it's like, oh my god. | ||
| The level of... | ||
| You ever see City of God? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Bro, it makes Boys in the Hood look like Sesame Street. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| That movie is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they're just living in sheds on a hill. | ||
| What was that game you were playing? | ||
| Fallout? | ||
| Where you're like grabbing pieces of metal and that's your house. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I know a lot of people that came from there. | ||
| That's nuts, dude. | ||
| A lot of UFC fighters came from the favelas. | ||
| Dude, it's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, it's a different level of poverty, man. | ||
| And it's a different level of scarcity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No opportunity, nothing, violence, guns. | ||
| Yeah, they come. | ||
| The kids are like, when I was walking around there, I was like 21, but they'll come grab your leg and like hold on to your leg and like, por favor. | ||
| Just like, dude, here's... | ||
| Yeah, movie rules. | ||
| That's City of God. | ||
| Such a good movie. | ||
| Movie's so crazy. | ||
| And apparently really accurate. | ||
| It really is like what it's like. | ||
| Damn, that was Roger Ebert days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, when I was there, this Swedish guy went to the favela with another guy to buy coke, and I was like, like, you want to come? | ||
| I was like, no, thank you. | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| He got back. | ||
| He looked kind of Brazilian a little bit, luckily, but I was like, bro, I'm not going with you to go there. | ||
| Yeah, there's levels. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's levels in this world. | ||
| Yeah, that's scary. | ||
| Being that poor is scary. | ||
| But it was nice. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| It's like Monopoly money. | ||
| If it's not your currency, I was out there just doling that stuff out. | ||
| You love our currency. | ||
| I do. | ||
| We were in Australia. | ||
| Dude, we were in Australia and Matt was like, this is U.S. I tried to pay $20 in U.S. money and they were like, we don't take that. | ||
| I'm like, come on, man. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| This is 10 times your money. | ||
| It's like, dude, this is American. | ||
| I was treated like I was in Honduras. | ||
| I was like, yo, here's the 20 bucks. | ||
| They're like, well, we can't take this. | ||
| I'm like, no, they'll give you that. | ||
| That's good money. | ||
| Some money, they have clear little holes in them, and there's little holograms in it. | ||
| It's all bullshit, dude. | ||
| It's fake. | ||
| American money is the only thing that matters. | ||
| Isn't it wild, though, that no one's figured out how to completely, accurately recreate money? | ||
| It's just pieces of paper. | ||
| They had to really stay ahead of the curve. | ||
| For the counterfeiters, the technology increased. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| All the printers. | ||
| That was a major problem when this country was starting. | ||
| It was an easy thing to do. | ||
| It was punishable by death, wasn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They used to fuck you up for that. | ||
| I remember the first time I ever saw a fake $20 bill. | ||
| I was like, oh wow, this is weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It feels wrong. | ||
| I don't think you can buy the paper, that's the thing. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Money is a specific paper, but people bleach bills, and then you can print. | ||
| You can get the real paper, bleach the bill, and print tens on a one. | ||
| And you can do that and you can sell bundles of them to people. | ||
| Oh, no kidding. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they do? | ||
| That's what I've heard, yeah. | ||
| Are you involved in this? | ||
| No, I just... | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| Matt, how long have you been doing this? | ||
| How long have you been counting? | ||
| No, I just... | ||
| I've heard... | ||
| There's bad... | ||
| Bad money goes around. | ||
| People sell it in, like, big chunks. | ||
| And you can get it in, like... | ||
| It just seems like if they can make fake Rolexes, how the fuck can they not make fake? | ||
| Like, you know they have the light they shine on the dollar bills now? | ||
| Because, like, things embedded in them and stuff? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I think the people who are counterfeiting, though, aren't just kind of like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You'd have to be so advanced technologically to, like, do that. | ||
| And if you're able to make money, you could probably do all kinds of other stuff. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the case with a lot of things that are illegal. | ||
| It's like there's some industrious people that just go the wrong way in life, but they're really fucking smart. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I think I had some fake mushrooms recently. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Officials say man sued Mr. Clean Magic Erasers while he used, rather, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers to transform $1 bills into hundreds. | ||
| Magic Erasers? | ||
| So he erased it and then reprinted over it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're supposed to clean your wall with. | ||
| And that way you can get, you have the good paper, but then I guess that's why you have those strips, because then you can hold up a strip and be like, that's not a $10 bill, this is a $1 bill. | ||
| That's a lot of work, man. | ||
| I wonder how much money you made. | ||
| You go to jail forever, son. | ||
| It's the Secret Service. | ||
| The Secret Service looks into this stuff. | ||
| Speaking of which, what did they arrest Killer Mike for? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That is one of the most ridiculous. | ||
| They don't arrest anybody in L.A. You got people literally doing meth in front of people's houses and tents. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| And Killer Mike gets arrested after he wins... | ||
| Three grams. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Well, of course, the online conspiracy theory is that he criticized Joe Biden. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's the online conspiracy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| I like that. | ||
| That's a great conspiracy. | ||
| That is. | ||
| It's a fun conspiracy. | ||
| Who the fuck would arrest Killer Mike? | ||
| What is this misdemeanor? | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Did he have a license plate missing or something? | ||
| What the fuck did he do that they're... | ||
| They didn't release Killer Mike to him. | ||
| They didn't release a charge? | ||
| We're gonna find out. | ||
| Killer Mike, I guarantee you didn't do it. | ||
| Killer Mike? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think he did something? | ||
| He's such a good guy. | ||
| Killer Mike. | ||
| As brilliant as he is, that is the name of like a crazy thug. | ||
| That's not the name of a guy who's like a philosopher. | ||
| Killer Mike is like a... | ||
| Killer Mike's not even a creative name. | ||
| It's like a name that's like the dumb guy in the neighborhood. | ||
| You're like, oh, that's Killer Mike. | ||
| The fuck away from that guy. | ||
| This is an hour ago. | ||
| He said nothing happened, but this is the official report. | ||
| He says a physical altercation happened. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And he was then released on a misdemeanor battery and then released on zero bail. | ||
| Oh, he bitch slapped somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That kind of rules. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| But again, in Los Angeles, there's people that are literally pulling knives on sheriffs and being out of jail that day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did what Will Smith did at the award. | |
| At the award. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In front of the whole world. | ||
| And he gets arrested. | ||
| Yeah, that's bizarre. | ||
| So, you think it's like post-Will Smith, they've changed the rules? | ||
| Maybe, maybe, yeah. | ||
| Whenever celebrities smack each other, you have to step in right away. | ||
| Might be a new task force for that. | ||
| Well, it depends on who he smacked, you know? | ||
| True, that's the question, yeah. | ||
| Right, if it's somebody we want him to smack, you know, now I'm really irritated. | ||
| You know, if he smacked Taylor Swift, that would be a real issue. | ||
| Yeah, you don't put your hands on our queens. | ||
| Not after last night. | ||
| Didn't she do well last night? | ||
| I saw the news. | ||
| She did a lot in the Grammys. | ||
| Things are going well for Taylor Swift. | ||
| I find it so fascinating how many people, for whatever reason, are opposed to it. | ||
| They don't like that she's so popular. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| It's normal human behavior. | ||
| She's ruining the game of football now. | ||
| I can't watch it. | ||
| That's the new thing. | ||
| She has ruined the game of football. | ||
| I can't even watch it anymore. | ||
| Because it cuts to her once or twice. | ||
| During the game, and I see her and I go, motherfucker. | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| No, I don't at all. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Although, I will say this. | ||
| When they're playing against you, when it's your team, and then the camera cuts to Taylor Swift, that's when it builds. | ||
| You go, that... | ||
| That makes sense, though. | ||
| If you have a billionaire just laughing in your face while your team's losing... | ||
| And their team's incredible. | ||
| The Chiefs are incredible. | ||
| And then it cuts to her up there in a box. | ||
| They were in, like, Buffalo. | ||
| Everyone's outside freezing. | ||
| It cuts to them, like... | ||
| Oh, they're in a perfect heated box? | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| I understand the hatred. | ||
| I feel like, out of respect, if you're going to see a Buffalo game in January, you should be outside. | ||
| You've got to get out there. | ||
| You've got to be in the snow. | ||
| Out of respect for the players, you'll feel it more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just bundle up, bitch. | ||
| Wear some muffins. | ||
| Fucking mittens and shit. | ||
| They were giving fans like $20 an hour to go shovel the stadium. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| That was a crazy move. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| I can't believe they did that. | ||
| I can't believe no one died. | ||
| They could have easily died. | ||
| Just drinking and shoveling for $20 an hour. | ||
| Yeah, my friend Tommy just blacked out behind the wheel of his car shoveling. | ||
| He crashed his car and fucked himself up. | ||
| I just laughed at my friend! | ||
| Snow shovelers and plow truck drivers get so fucked up. | ||
| When we were in high school, we used to get hired by landscapers in the winter to shovel and they would just feed us beer and weed. | ||
| We used to get people fucked up and stay up all night in a shovel condom and they give you like 20 bucks an hour and you're just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| When I lived in Boston, we would always, whenever it snowed, me and my friends would go out to places and go, you guys want us to do your thing? | ||
| We'd negotiate a deal. | ||
| Do the driveway. | ||
| This driveway's 30. This driveway's 40. Depending on how big it is. | ||
| And some of them, you get fucked. | ||
| Like, some of them, you don't realize the snow's wet. | ||
| And it's a long-ass driveway. | ||
| You're an hour and a half in. | ||
| You're only a quarter way there. | ||
| You're like, oh, we fucked up, dude. | ||
| You're underpriced this one. | ||
| My friend owned a landscaping company and I didn't have a job. | ||
| I was living with my girlfriend at the time. | ||
| She was a teacher. | ||
| I was literally playing Xbox. | ||
| She was like, you gotta turn it around. | ||
| I was like, I'm gonna do comedy. | ||
| She was like, you're doing open mics at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. | ||
| I was like, trust me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old are you? | |
| I was probably 25. Four. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then my friend owned a landscaping company, I had zero dollars. | ||
| I was not working at all. | ||
| And he was like, come help us shovel. | ||
| I was like, alright, nice. | ||
| I was there for ten minutes. | ||
| Put the shovel down. | ||
| I was like, bro, I'm going back home. | ||
| It's grueling. | ||
| Yeah, I quit immediately. | ||
| You're out all night, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you put your beers in the snow. | ||
| It's kind of nice. | ||
| That is nice. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Just blasted, lifting chunks of snow everywhere. | ||
| I think I was like four beers in and I was like, I'll just go drink more inside. | ||
| True. | ||
| Why the fuck am I out here? | ||
| I kind of feel bad for kids who grew up without snow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a fucking pivotal moment in youth. | ||
| A snow day? | ||
| Snow days, and then just hanging out with your friends in the snow, and then the quiet. | ||
| Everything's quiet. | ||
| When it snows out, it's like you're in a movie. | ||
| You're outside, it's like... | ||
| Sorry, my IQ's worn out. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| No sound at all. | ||
| You guys know you got nothing to do? | ||
| LaMare fell yesterday. | ||
| I was like, but you couldn't hear him fall. | ||
| He fell behind us. | ||
| We were walking into the creek in the cave and he slipped. | ||
| And I was like, damn, he fell like snow. | ||
| Like, it was dead silent. | ||
| We didn't hear him fall. | ||
| He didn't make a noise. | ||
| Oh, we got the security footage. | ||
| I immediately got the security footage. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| You gotta get the other angle. | ||
| That was fairly graceful. | ||
| Yeah, I mean he lay there. | ||
| It seems like there's steps there. | ||
| Did he fall on steps? | ||
| He jumped over the curb and he stepped on the bottom of that pole. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Boy, it doesn't take a lot to trip in. | ||
| No. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Bro, he just goes down. | ||
| He does go down. | ||
| You're sitting like snow off of a roof. | ||
| He couldn't hear a single thing. | ||
| Bro, he would suck at judo. | ||
| Don't tell him that, bro. | ||
| They'd just be tripping him all day long. | ||
| He prides himself on being nimble, so this is like a real... | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| He was very sad about this. | ||
| Come on, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, everything was nimble before he fell, though. | ||
| He did like a little hop, like anime jump. | ||
| Oh my god, you have two angles. | ||
| Jamie, do you have that wrestling match where that dad attacks the kid? | ||
| Again, I don't know if I have the right one. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Anyway, Snow Days rule. | ||
| Yeah, they're nice. | ||
| Is this the right one that you saw? | ||
| I don't believe so. | ||
| Let me see this one. | ||
| I think it probably had, but no. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| See, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Look at this fucking guy. | ||
| He dumped him. | ||
| Oh, let me see that mugshot. | ||
| Oh, he threw the kid down on his head. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Show the mugshot again? | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| I wouldn't have expected that guy to move like that. | ||
| Yeah, he moved. | ||
| That guy's nimble. | ||
| He's got a kid. | ||
| How much of that do you think is protection of the kid versus like... | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You think it's all protection? | ||
| Yeah, he got dumped on his head. | ||
| See, watch how the kid goes down. | ||
| The kid goes down head first. | ||
| It's like a tombstone. | ||
| See how the ref touches his head? | ||
| Because he's freaked out? | ||
| That's a bad landing. | ||
| Like, you could break your neck like that. | ||
| You definitely can get a concussion. | ||
| You might have had a concussion. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| That's how Corellin used to beat guys. | ||
| Corellin used to literally hoist guys up and pound them into the ground. | ||
| Just pound them over and over and over again. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's an illegal move, but that's just a comment. | ||
| I think it is an illegal move. | ||
| But also, like, when you're lifting people up and throwing them and they're resisting, wild shit happens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, it does seem like he piledrived him on his head. | ||
| He seemed like he should have known in the middle of that move that you're not going to... | ||
| You were talking about a choke or something? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The kid was apparently doing an illegal choke and the dad jumped in. | ||
| It's also in that kid's defense. | ||
| If you have someone up in the air in a wrestling match, it's hard not to slam them in the ground. | ||
| Anytime you pick anybody up, it's like, oh, I'm going to slam you on the ground as hard as I can. | ||
| Well, I'm sure there's different rules in young amateur wrestling versus what they would do in the Olympics, but Corellon used to just pile drive people. | ||
| He just hoists them up, and he was a freak. | ||
| Dude, there's nothing worse than, like, the only experience I have is, like, football. | ||
| So it's, like, first play of the game, like, the guy against you just fucks you up. | ||
| And you're like, damn, this is gonna be... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a long game, dude. | ||
| I'm gonna get fucked up for two hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, wrestling, if a dude slammed you right away, you'd be like, alright. | ||
| They slam you. | ||
| What do you fucking call this thing? | ||
| And in MMA, they start punching you in the face while you're recovering from being slammed. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I was looking for it. | ||
| There's a D'Arche choke pulled off in a wrestling match. | ||
| Yes, I think that is legit because it's one arm in. | ||
| I think that's the rule. | ||
| Oh, we put him out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Damn, and he hit him with the fucking... | ||
| Matt Hughes choked out Ricardo Almeida with a wrestling move where he had a head and arm, like, from the front. | ||
| And he just, he has such a squeeze that he gripped the head and arm and just put him out. | ||
| The anaconda squares. | ||
| And you're just cutting off their carotid, aren't you? | ||
| Yeah, you're cutting it all off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| With Matt. | ||
| That fucking tank. | ||
| When he was the welterweight champ, dude, he was a tank. | ||
| Yeah, that shit sucks, man. | ||
| And for him to grab your arm and your head together like this, which is basically what he had, he had him on the side with his arm and head together and just squeezed it so hard he went out. | ||
| I was just watching. | ||
| Who's the Mongolian guy? | ||
| Uzbekistani or Kazakhstan? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| He got a standing fucking... | ||
| Oh, yeah, Rokmanov. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shavka. | ||
| Yeah, he's a beast. | ||
| I think that's what you're talking about. | ||
| He had a little brother headlock. | ||
| Yeah, see how the dad jumps in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the kid's on his back, and he rolls him over, and it looks like the kid's got a choke, but I can't tell if he's got an arm in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| He does have an arm in. | ||
| He does have an arm in. | ||
| He did have an arm in. | ||
| He's like, my bad, my bad, that's my bad. | ||
| Yeah, he's banned for life. | ||
| That is it. | ||
| He's banned for life. | ||
| Now, I don't know what the rules are, but it does look like the kid has an arm in. | ||
| He has an arm in. | ||
| See as they roll over? | ||
| See how his arm is under the arm? | ||
| Look at that fucking walrus ref, dude. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| No, he looks like, yeah, diabetes. | ||
| That is a weird situation. | ||
| But, you know, dads fucking lose their cool. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's also, like, when you're watching your kid, wrestling and combat's different, but, like, if you're watching your kid suck at, like, basketball or football, then you're, like, taking that personally, because that kid's supposed to, like, carry you on. | ||
| Yeah, this is your legacy. | ||
| It's also like that at the fucking dog park. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| If your dogs are playing and a dog loses, people jump in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My sister jumped in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Her dog was losing and she like jumped into the mud. | ||
| I've punched dogs at dog parks. | ||
| I've had a dog grab my dog by the neck and I just... | ||
| Some people bring aggressive dogs to dog parks. | ||
| It's just not wise. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know what they were. | ||
| When my dog was a puppy, I used to bring him to dog parks. | ||
| He started fighting with dogs. | ||
| He liked it too much. | ||
| I'm like, no more. | ||
| I brought Nikita to dog parks and those things are nasty. | ||
| You can't discourage that either. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| The dog fighting thing, unless you're a professional trainer and you're with that dog all the time, Like, you gotta be with that dog, and you gotta really do a really good job, if it's an aggressive dog, of getting them around, socializing them with other dogs, because they just fucking dominate each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just natural with dogs. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| They bow up on each other. | ||
| Bow up. | ||
| They start growling like, God damn it. | ||
| Everyone has a different tolerance threshold, too, because you go to the dog park, some people want them to get a little rough, and some people are like, not at all rough. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Well, if you're a woman and you got a poodle, you know, what the fuck? | ||
| Don't bring that thing around. | ||
| Poodles are working breed. | ||
| A big poodle. | ||
| A real big one. | ||
| A big poodle, yeah. | ||
| Those things are nasty. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| They're big. | ||
| A big poodle. | ||
| What do they work on? | ||
| Bird hunting, probably. | ||
| Poodles? | ||
| Yeah, poodles are bird hunters. | ||
| Is that what they are? | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| A big poodle. | ||
| Not a little... | ||
| You're like a little toy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard they're actually good watchdogs, the big poodles. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, the big poodles are not... | ||
| Everything the French do is so good. | ||
| I was a dog walker, dude. | ||
| Every single thing, dude. | ||
| Imagine being like an aristocrat with a poodle. | ||
| Dude, they're sexual dogs, too. | ||
| Everything the French do is sexual. | ||
| Poodles are very sexual. | ||
| I used to dog walk, and I had a big black poodle I walked, and he tried to fuck me the whole time. | ||
| That was you, dude. | ||
| You were just looking at him like a good poodle. | ||
| Poodle originated in Germany in the Middle Ages. | ||
| A dog similar to today's standard poodle, the poodle's Germany's water dog, just as England had the English water spaniel, French had the barbet, and Ireland had the Irish water spaniel. | ||
| And the Netherlands, the Westerhund, among the evidence used to support this theory is the Germanic name for the breed Poodle or Pudel in German, which is derived from the low German word Poodlen, meaning to splash, water dog. | ||
| Numerous works by... | ||
| It makes sense that they have that hair. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It says right there, ancestors were widely used by water followers to both retrieve shot game and to recover lost arrows and bolts that had missed their mark. | ||
| Wow, they chased down... | ||
| How high were you when you hit the poodle Wikipedia? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were like, yo, they're poodles of water dogs. | |
| They were surprising me. | ||
| I kept seeing them in the wild and they kept surprising me. | ||
| I'm like, dude, these guys are not bullsies. | ||
| Yeah, they fly, dude. | ||
| They're athletic canines. | ||
| They're motherfuckers, dude. | ||
| But then you start doing this bullshit to them. | ||
| That's a mockery, dude. | ||
| I hate that, man. | ||
| Why do they do that? | ||
| That's what women want to do to us, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what they want to do to us. | |
| That's what they're doing to us right now. | ||
| They are doing it. | ||
| That's what they want to do to us. | ||
| We're getting away with it. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| We've got to be pooting. | ||
| There's a bunch of scared guys and Andrew Tate. | ||
| There's only one man left, dude. | ||
| It's Tate. | ||
| He's a Muslim now. | ||
| Only Tate can save us, bro. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Top G. He is the top G. Out of jail. | |
| Yeah, he's doing supercar reviews on YouTube. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| That's tight. | ||
| And I don't think it's under the name Andrew Tate, but it is him. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You know, probably because they would ban him from YouTube. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| He can't get onto anything, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but it's him. | ||
| Why are they baring him? | ||
| He reviewed a Maserati. | ||
| It was a pretty funny review. | ||
| Why are they banning him? | ||
| Let me tell you about the Matrix, my friend. | ||
| Why are they banning that guy? | ||
| He seems fine. | ||
| I mean, in Romania, he's under allegations of a rape charge. | ||
| Sexual trafficking. | ||
| Yeah, and if you... | ||
| Trafficking's weird, too, because if you, like... | ||
| If I trick you into crossing state lines and then you get plowed, I've trafficked you. | ||
| But if I'm like, you're about to get plowed, and you get in my car and you get plowed, you're fine. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been tricked across state lines. | ||
| Okay, so he does have one. | ||
| It says the Cobra Mind. | ||
| Yeah, it's his channel probably. | ||
| Okay, so there was another channel. | ||
| Maybe they were appropriating his content. | ||
| Maybe that's what it is. | ||
| Likely. | ||
| Most likely, yeah. | ||
| He's the most Googled man in the world. | ||
| It's funny to have a cobra's mind. | ||
| Is there a dumb fucking animal? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| But he's a smart-ass dude, man. | ||
| Regardless of what he thinks about some of the things he said about women, the fucking intelligence of that, the whole thing that he did with getting people to TikTok his stuff and go viral. | ||
| Yeah, he was fucking a genius at that. | ||
| Yeah, my 12-year-old was asking me about him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| You said, that's the top G, baby. | ||
| Well, I mean, I said what I know about him. | ||
| I said he was a legit kickboxer. | ||
| I knew him as a kickboxer before I ever knew him. | ||
| Oh, wait, I didn't know he was like... | ||
| Oh, he was legit. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he's a legit kickboxer. | ||
| Very good kickboxer. | ||
| Yeah, he fought on Infusion a bunch of times. | ||
| Infusion was a kickboxing card from... | ||
| God, I'm not sure where. | ||
| I think it's from the UK. Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, man. | |
| My friend Vinnie Shorman used to do commentary for it. | ||
| He was nice. | ||
| Yeah, he was a good fighter. | ||
| Solid fighter. | ||
| Really good fighter. | ||
| I'm sorry, do you have a tissue, man? | ||
| My allergies are going crazy. | ||
| Yeah, my allergies picked up today. | ||
| Going crazy. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| We're finding out the negative parts of living here in Austin. | ||
| See your fever, baby. | ||
| That's what they call it. | ||
| It's already January. | ||
| I mean, this is... | ||
| It's already been going on, yeah. | ||
| How long does this go? | ||
| Depends on who gets it. | ||
| I get it bad, dude. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't get it at all. | ||
| Well, you're Top G. You're Top G. Yeah, everybody keeps telling me, one day you're going to get it. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Nah, you won't get it, man. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I did one year though. | ||
| I had my throat was really sore. | ||
| I was like, this is weird. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| Lasted a long time. | ||
| So nothing! | ||
| Allergies can make you like sick. | ||
| You didn't know it. | ||
| And it comes back. | ||
| Yeah, that's what got me. | ||
| Yeah, you feel like you have a cold. | ||
| So I think I did have a reaction one year to one particular thing that was in the air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where I was like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| This is a weird cold. | ||
| Because it didn't feel like I was sick. | ||
| It doesn't go away. | ||
| Also, it was a while. | ||
| It was a couple of weeks. | ||
| Jamie's dog stuck his tongue in my mouth, so maybe I'm allergic to dog saliva. | ||
| You sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Oh, damn, you're allergic to Carl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How could you be allergic to Carl? | |
| I might be allergic to bulldogs. | ||
| Oh, are you allergic to dogs? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| But I've never had one put his tongue in my mouth, so I never... | ||
| Your eyes are closing. | ||
| Yeah, but your eyes are... | ||
| You've got an allergic reaction? | ||
| Yeah, his dog... | ||
| Are you sure you're not allergic to dogs? | ||
| I think I might be now. | ||
| Do you have a dog? | ||
| Yeah, I have two. | ||
| But they've never put their tongue in my mouth. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Like cat allergies. | ||
| You were making out with Carl. | ||
| I was, right? | ||
| Check out his face. | ||
| I'm having an allergic fucking reaction. | ||
| Look at Matt's face. | ||
| It'll go away. | ||
| I'm also on steroids to get my voice back. | ||
| So my body's all fucked up. | ||
| Oh, you're on Roy's and you kiss the dog? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| You're fine, dude. | ||
| The show has to go on. | ||
| My eye is just sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so sorry to make this all about me, dude. | |
| I just freaked out. | ||
| You're on steroids to get your voice back? | ||
| I lost my voice, yeah. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| I've been losing it. | ||
| I've been doing shows and I lose it every show. | ||
| So then I took the prednisone all weekend because I literally had zero voice. | ||
| Maybe there's a better way to talk. | ||
| Have you ever gone to, like, a vocal coach? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because, you know, Be Real from Cypress Hill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He told me he went to a vocal coach. | ||
| I might go. | ||
| Because, you know, he's got that... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's got that very specific style. | ||
| He learned how to, like, use his... | ||
| So he didn't burn his voice out. | ||
| I also sing in my car at full blast. | ||
| I've got to stop doing that. | ||
| I've got to stop doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| What are you singing? | ||
| It's like living on a prayer. | ||
| You're nice to sing it. | ||
| I can't help it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Amazing! | ||
| I can't help it. | ||
| We might have watched it here when Matt sang at the holiday party at the mothership. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did you sing? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| Unchained Melody. | ||
| We watched from the balcony. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| Me and my wife were fighting and then we both had karaoke songs come up and I'm like, we don't have time for this, let's go sing our karaoke. | ||
| Then we made up. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Made up with karaoke. | ||
| Your eyes seem like they're getting better. | ||
| They are. | ||
| It's going to happen to me. | ||
| I think it's the dog. | ||
| You just probably... | ||
| It's always in your... | ||
| You had to blow your nose. | ||
| I did. | ||
| It was someone who was in my nose. | ||
| You got a kennel cough. | ||
| That's a new dog, dude. | ||
| You got a fucking weird dog disease. | ||
| My body will fight it off. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| My body will fight it off. | ||
| So far, it's losing. | ||
| No, this is a healthy immune response. | ||
| This is a healthy immune response. | ||
| So what kind of steroids does it put you on for your throat? | ||
| Pregnizone. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Makes you feel weird, man. | ||
| A friend of mine had that for gout. | ||
| He had gout. | ||
| Pregnizone's like a wonder drug. | ||
| Yeah, it works for poison ivy. | ||
| Pretty tight, yeah. | ||
| So did it fix it? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, yeah. | ||
| I couldn't talk. | ||
| Like, I had no voice. | ||
| And it powered me through my last three shows, so I was like... | ||
| Were you trying to use your voice in the car singing even though you had no voice? | ||
| Were you pushing it? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| I did it today. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| You did it today? | ||
| What'd you sing today? | ||
| I did a couple bars, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What'd you sing? | |
| What'd you sing, dude? | ||
| Everybody's talking by... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Harry Nielsen. | |
| Oh, boy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm such a dickhead. | ||
| I can't, I can't help it. | ||
| I can't help it. | ||
| It hits me right in the soul, dude. | ||
| I'm like, I gotta get it out. | ||
| You gotta sing. | ||
| I have to sing. | ||
| Do you ever go like Axl Rose? | ||
| Do you ever really fuck your voice up? | ||
| No, I'll fuck my voice. | ||
| You try to hit those notes. | ||
| That's not in my register. | ||
| Axl Rose. | ||
| Welcome to the jungle! | ||
| I can't do the screams. | ||
| That'll fuck your voice up, man. | ||
| That'll fuck your voice up, man. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, it is what it is. | ||
| It'll come back eventually. | ||
| I've had this problem for like three weeks straight. | ||
| Dude, don't. | ||
| Dude, Jamie. | ||
| People can't talk in there. | ||
| Matt, bless us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you hear me? | |
| Only the echoes of my mind. | ||
| Dude, I'm going to lose my voice. | ||
| Let's go, Matt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People stopping staring. | |
| I can't see their faces. | ||
| Dude, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold me the shadows of their eyes. | |
| Alright, I'm done. | ||
| You've changed since you kissed that dog, dude. | ||
| You're singing? | ||
| I'm a singer now. | ||
| Dude, you know the thing T-Pain did where he went on stage and just carried over? | ||
| I might do that. | ||
| At the end of the show, you should sing. | ||
| T-Pain did his own songs, too. | ||
| He did a live performance where he had a full band behind him, did his own songs, and then just covered a bunch of songs, and then put them out on Instagram. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I might just start becoming a professional singer. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| You should sing at the end of your show. | ||
| People would love that. | ||
| That's a good idea, dude. | ||
| There was a guy named Barry Dunn. | ||
| Fuck, good call. | ||
| There was a guy named Barry Diamond. | ||
| He used to perform at the Comedy Store. | ||
| And a funny comic. | ||
| He was in that movie Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| So anyway, he would open up his set by singing Walking in Memphis. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And you didn't know what was going on. | ||
| He did the whole song. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Dude, Walking in Memphis. | ||
| Because he had a great voice. | ||
| So he'd be singing it, and then he would go into his act. | ||
| Pretty tight. | ||
| I had to sing one time. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Remember the comedy show I did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a little crazy. | |
| What? | ||
| I got booked for a private comedy show way, way, way long ago for... | ||
| It was like the American... | ||
| I swear to God, I think it was like Survivor... | ||
| Not the Survivors of the Holocaust. | ||
| It was like an old Jewish thing. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He sang at the Survivors of the Holocaust's benefits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like some sort of ancient Jewish people. | |
| It was ancient Jewish people when I bombed so bad. | ||
| Here's Barry Diamond. | ||
| It's so nice. | ||
| This is going to be you, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll... | |
| Dude. | ||
| Why don't you look down? | ||
| So nice. | ||
| You gotta end with this though, this is crazy. | ||
| He's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how do you follow that? | ||
| In the OR. And he would just go into comedy. | ||
| But he was like real silly as a comedian. | ||
| So it was funny to watch him go from that to like silly comedy. | ||
| What was the benefit you did? | ||
| It was like some sort of old Jewish foundation. | ||
| I don't know what it was called, but I bombed. | ||
| The media? | ||
| I was standing at it. | ||
| The what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was standing. | |
| The central bank. | ||
| No, I'm joking. | ||
| I'm not anti-Semitic at all. | ||
| I was standing up at a podium to do stand-up in a hotel. | ||
| I thought Jamie said that. | ||
| Jamie said that. | ||
| I can't believe Jamie said that. | ||
| Dude, I was standing up at a podium to do stand-up, and I was like 25. And I bombed so bad, I was like, you guys don't like this at all. | ||
| And they were like, no. | ||
| And I was like, what do you guys want me to do? | ||
| And like, sing us a song. | ||
| I had to just sing. | ||
| I just sang them a song for a while. | ||
| I got like 175 bucks. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Do you remember that bachelor party we did? | ||
| What song did you sing? | ||
| Hell is for the way you look at me, that song. | ||
| They asked for that one? | ||
| No, that was the only one I knew. | ||
| I just let them have it. | ||
| Did they like that? | ||
| They were pleased. | ||
| I can say factually those old Jews were pleased. | ||
| Tap dancing for them. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Bombing so bad, you have to be like, alright, what's a different performance? | ||
| You guys hate this. | ||
| What other art form do you guys like? | ||
| Just think about the power of dance. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| To change genres in the middle of it. | ||
| I had to switch it up on us. | ||
| I hate the early days. | ||
| Just switch to mime. | ||
| Just switch straight to miming. | ||
| Miming's hilarious. | ||
| I know magic. | ||
| Magic rules. | ||
| I can juggle. | ||
| You can't follow magic. | ||
| How do you follow magic? | ||
| How do you follow magic? | ||
| You know the worst kind of comedy to follow is musical comedy. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be tough. | ||
| If somebody does funny songs, you're fucking doomed. | ||
| You're doomed, son. | ||
| And it's frustrating, because a lot of times a funny song is just like an average joke, but somebody's playing a guitar with it. | ||
| There was a guy that was a legend in New England who used to do dirty jokes. | ||
| He used to be on Dr. Demento all the time. | ||
| But he used to do dirty... | ||
| God, I can't remember his name. | ||
| But he was like a famous guy who did like dirty songs. | ||
| And he would fucking sell out everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| And if you did a show with him, you could never go on after him. | ||
| You were doomed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You were fucking doomed. | ||
| You were gonna bomb. | ||
| Can you imagine if you had to follow, like, Wheeler Walker Jr.? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No chance. | ||
| Yeah, because it's two things going on. | ||
| It's funny, and there's music. | ||
| And he's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's good. | ||
| There's funny. | ||
| There's music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's hilarious. | ||
| You could repeat it. | ||
| It's still funny. | ||
| It also, like... | ||
| Joins a crowd together differently, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you just play music, the whole crowd kind of congeals into the same. | ||
| Totally different vibe. | ||
| You go see a good concert, it's like you're fucking in tune with everybody, you know? | ||
| A really good concert when someone's killing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And someone comes on, they're like, oh, I'm fucking jerking off. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| You guys ever jack off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Shit. | ||
| Shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just straight into it. | |
| So my girlfriend broke up with me. | ||
| My girlfriend's a bitch. | ||
| You guys jack off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Fuck, I'll sing. | ||
| That's actually extremely funny. | ||
| To hit the eject in the middle of a comedy set, just hit the eject button and start singing. | ||
| They were visibly disproved. | ||
| They're old as hell. | ||
| The shows you do when you're starting is... | ||
| Me and him did a... | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| They hired... | ||
| Helium hired us to do a bachelor party. | ||
| Me and Matt just stood in front of a table of, like, nothing. | ||
| We went to a restaurant with the bachelor party. | ||
| And in the middle of dinner, they were like, alright, comedy. | ||
| We stood at the head of the table. | ||
| For like 10 people. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| And it was like a sober bachelor party. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| That's what everyone said! | ||
| We had just started doing comedy. | ||
| We were bad at comedy. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And I just did just material. | ||
| I went up there and did like straight 10 minutes of no mic material. | ||
| Just flatline. | ||
| I think Shane looked at me like... | ||
| I tagged you. | ||
| I was like, let's both do it. | ||
| I'll help. | ||
| I was dying, dude. | ||
| And then, yeah, you went up and just did the sensible thing of talking and figuring out what's up with them. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, this is weird. | ||
| Why are we doing this? | ||
| Why the fuck would you guys hire me and Matt to humiliate ourselves? | ||
| I did a black lady Mother's Day show in North Philly. | ||
| This guy just hired me to do comedy in front of a brunch for just, for real, like 14 black ladies for Mother's Day. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| I just stood at the head of the table. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Just died. | ||
| And they were just being very nice. | ||
| They're like, you're doing great. | ||
| That's kind of cool. | ||
| In the middle of just a Mother's Day brunch. | ||
| Would you switch stuff up at all? | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| I was like, you guys like racism? | ||
| That's all I got. | ||
| I got one pitch. | ||
| Alright, that's a ball. | ||
| Yeah, those shows are very fun, though. | ||
| They teach you something, though. | ||
| What other art forms allow you to start out like that? | ||
| Where you realize there's no real structure to this at all. | ||
| In terms of how you can make money doing it. | ||
| How do you become a professional? | ||
| I mean, look, you guys are both like legit professionals now, and you started that way. | ||
| I did too. | ||
| Yeah, that's how it starts. | ||
| I did bachelor parties with no microphones. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I did a couple of them. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they're terrible. | ||
| It's hell. | ||
| I just figured out how it worked like three years ago. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I thought for real. | ||
| I was like, you'll just do it. | ||
| And then someone would be like, here's a bunch of money. | ||
| I was like, no, you have to like sell tickets. | ||
| Bro, people still do corporate gigs. | ||
| They shouldn't do corporate gigs. | ||
| I ran into Adam Sandler at the airport. | ||
| And I was like, what's up? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| He's like, dude, I just did the worst fucking gig of my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because I popped so hard. | ||
| He's just ripping corporates? | ||
| He's so bad. | ||
| He just... | ||
| They just paid him a lot of money to do this thing. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| But he was laughing about it. | ||
| He's like, oh my god, it was terrible. | ||
| I bombed this week. | ||
| I bombed in the Little Boy. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| I bombed so badly that I had people there with me. | ||
| We were going to go do something after. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to do one show and then we'll go. | ||
| I stayed. | ||
| I was like, I got to stay for the late show. | ||
| You have to redeem yourself? | ||
| I did so. | ||
| I sweat. | ||
| I was sweating. | ||
| I bombed so fucking bad that I was sweating. | ||
| I was like, what is happening? | ||
| I sat on the balcony with Adam Eget and like, I was like, I gotta change everything. | ||
| The Late Show was fun. | ||
| Those are fucking good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They are, dude. | |
| Some of my best moments in my comedy has been after really bad sets because then I just like really focus. | ||
| Go, God, I've been fucking up. | ||
| Something's wrong. | ||
| Obviously did something wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I haven't done new material in a while. | ||
| I had to. | ||
| After that first show, I was like, alright, new jokes. | ||
| And it worked. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you did some refreshers. | ||
| Comedy is just a wild fucking thing, isn't it? | ||
| Nobody can tell you how to do it. | ||
| Nobody knows exactly how you should do it. | ||
| And it's embarrassing. | ||
| Bombs are good. | ||
| Bombs are good. | ||
| Bombing at a Mother's Day and then walking outside and it's 1pm. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| Dude, when you walk outside and it's still sunny after you bomb, it's crazy. | ||
| And you're in North Philly. | ||
| What the fuck am I doing with my life? | ||
| And you're thinking about your future. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because your future is not a given. | ||
| There's a lot of guys we started out with that are gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, no. | ||
| Well it's also, that's the thing about comedy is where it's like with bombing. | ||
| Like, good comics will be like, yeah, you need that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So then there's guys that are just fucking bombing. | ||
| True. | ||
| And they're like, this is part of the... | ||
| All part of the process. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It keeps them around. | ||
| I bomb them. | ||
| I do like the dudes who bomb every fucking time. | ||
| They don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| It's kind of tight. | ||
| I mean, it's admirable. | ||
| There's bros that bomb for 10 straight years. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| There's a lot of fighters like that, too. | ||
| They just always get knocked out. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| You should find another thing to do. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Or you're just not going to be good at anything. | ||
| That's also possible. | ||
| There's certain people that just never get good at anything. | ||
| Get their thing, yeah. | ||
| Whatever it is, no matter what it is, they just lack something. | ||
| That's fucking rough. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| You're like, maybe I'll play video games if you just get fucking murdered. | ||
| They're really good at leaving comments on YouTube. | ||
| They actually are good at that, and I'll tell you what, those work. | ||
| Those are effective. | ||
| Yeah, those dudes will absolutely shred you. | ||
| Fuck a week up for me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I try to do a thing where I'm like, I understand your feeling. | ||
| In my head, I'll be like, he's just very upset right now. | ||
| But yeah, they'll get you thinking, like, it's not a thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's a bad... | ||
| Although they're like a part of the whole YouTube ecosystem. | ||
| Or like if you catch enough bad ones, sometimes you go, maybe I can think about something. | ||
| Yeah, maybe I am an asshole. | ||
| Maybe I'll think about something. | ||
| Or, you know, I don't know, it's tough. | ||
| Because you don't want to be like, nobody can tell me shit. | ||
| But then sometimes you'll read them and you're like, I don't have to deal with this right now. | ||
| The thing is, you don't know who you're talking to. | ||
| You don't know who you're talking to. | ||
| You could be talking to the biggest fucking moron that works at 7-Eleven. | ||
| You could be talking to the biggest moron. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And it's just like, you're like, fuck you, that's so true. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's just a waste of time. | ||
| It's a total waste of time. | ||
| Just the numbers you're dealing with. | ||
| Just the sheer volume of people. | ||
| Even if you're just reasonably successful. | ||
| I mean, you don't even have to be regular. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, you don't even have to be like a headliner. | ||
| You could be just like a middle act that has a career. | ||
| You're gonna get hate. | ||
| You can get hate. | ||
| Yeah, you'll go through, you'll read all the comments, you'll be like, I saw him, his fucking opener sucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddammit. | |
| Dude, it's... | ||
| Whatever his name was, I hated him. | ||
| Yeah, you're always gonna get those. | ||
| Well, sometimes you can like have someone on the podcast and you just watch everyone like, fuck, that guy sucks so bad. | ||
| And you're just like, goddamn, bro, that sucks, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, if I was certain people, I would not want to read comments after their guests on podcasts. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| You can tell when it fucks with their head, too. | ||
| I think it gets everybody. | ||
| I think it gets everyone a little bit. | ||
| I think you maybe get better. | ||
| I'm better and better now. | ||
| I can take it now. | ||
| It's not as much of a shock. | ||
| But on any given day, I can read one in a minute. | ||
| That's what I think, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, I got it under control. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| They come up with new ones. | ||
| And then you find one, and you're like, damn. | ||
| They do come up with new ones. | ||
| You're like, I've never even thought of that before. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You sons of bitches. | ||
| It's part of that. | ||
| That's also part of the process, right? | ||
| Developing the ability to just not be affected by that. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's like snake venom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Little doses of snake venom. | ||
| Well, because you can also get conflicting messages that are like, awesome! | ||
| You're the fucking worst piece of shit in the world, and you're like... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you have to stop and be like, what am I? I'm probably somewhere in the middle. | |
| Probably just an average fucking idiot. | ||
| Who's got better grammar? | ||
| Oh, the guy who likes me spells right. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| He doesn't write your fucking comma, dude. | ||
| This guy's on the ball. | ||
| He's on the ball. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| If you see a lot of typos in the comments, you'd be like, dude, move on. | ||
| Go back to school, brother. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| You can't even spell. | ||
| What are you criticizing? | ||
| Matthew, would you please hand me a Bud Light? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Responsibly. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What a fucking beer, dude. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Tell him about it. | ||
| I met the Clydesdales. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| You had to meet horses? | ||
| I had to meet some horses. | ||
| Then I got really responsible. | ||
| It was in New Orleans. | ||
| I got extremely responsible. | ||
| Around the horses? | ||
| Around the horses? | ||
| No, and then I called my dad, and he didn't answer. | ||
| It was late. | ||
| And I was like, I met horses. | ||
| I left him like a voicemail. | ||
| I was like, Dad, it was a good time in New Orleans. | ||
| I saw horses. | ||
| I met the Clydesdales. | ||
| He's like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It's a big fucking horse, right? | ||
| It's the biggest fucking horse I've ever seen, dude. | ||
| Yeah, they're jacked. | ||
| It's head was the size of me. | ||
| They're a lot bigger than bigger horses, right? | ||
| Clydesdales? | ||
| Clydesdales, especially the Anheuser-Bosch ones, they're gigantic, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| And I'll tell you, they're big everywhere, if you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| Big cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Distracting. | ||
| Distracting. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Wow, that thing is huge. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Look at the size of that horse. | ||
| Dude, it's head for real is a size of... | ||
| It's huge, dude. | ||
| You're a big dude. | ||
| That's like maybe people need to recognize. | ||
| How tall are you? | ||
| I'm 6'3". | ||
| So he's 6'3". | ||
| Look how big that fucking horse is. | ||
| That horse's back is like 5'10". | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| How much bigger are they than a regular horse? | ||
| Look at the top of his head. | ||
| Dude, their horseshoes, their shoes are like enormous. | ||
| A regular one's like that. | ||
| He looks so big. | ||
| Look at his head. | ||
| It's so scary. | ||
| His head looks like half of your body. | ||
| I brought Cam with me for this tour. | ||
| So it was me and Cam Patterson. | ||
| Alright, enough, Jamie. | ||
| Look at me being a fucking sellout, huh? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Please, dude. | ||
| Listen, man, you fucking love Bud Light. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Me and Cam got in there, and they were showing us the Clydesdales, and there's a lady giving us the details of all the horses, which was obviously very interesting. | ||
| It's like how much they fucking eat and everything. | ||
| Literally, as soon as we walked in, we looked at that thing's fucking junk, and immediately we're like... | ||
| I'm trying to... | ||
| For real. | ||
| I'm trying to listen to this tour guide, and I'm literally standing there like... | ||
| It's fucking dick is big. | ||
| Oh my god, look how big. | ||
| Look at the size of it compared to a regular horse. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Holy shit, they're so big. | ||
| That one that you showed originally, the lower left-hand corner, Jimmy. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| Donkey, bro. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Holy fuck! | ||
| That's crazy how big that thing is! | ||
| They're always like, these horses are very gentle, they're the nicest horses, and I'm sure they are. | ||
| But when you're standing next to that thing, you're like, dude, that thing could do anything and I'm dead. | ||
| Is that a Viking horse? | ||
| Is that what the Vikings used? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Why was it so big? | ||
| I don't know, because they're a German company. | ||
| Clydesdale? | ||
| Scottish. | ||
| Why are they so big? | ||
| I'd love to know. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, like, they must have select breed them to make them that breed, right? | ||
| Yeah, what's Anheuser-Busch's horse division like? | ||
| You would think they're into, like, horse-raising and shit. | ||
| They got a ton of horses. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's part of their business, is they keep horses? | ||
| Yeah, they have, like, a... | ||
| They didn't shoot any of them after everything went south? | ||
| They would never shoot the horses, dude. | ||
| I'm just wondering. | ||
| That's what happens when people go poor. | ||
| They shoot horses. | ||
| Start eating them. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Not my company. | ||
| They fired a lot of people. | ||
| I was wondering if they shot any horses. | ||
| Sure, just put them on a horse and smack the horse's ass. | ||
| It's a legit question. | ||
| You know, Anizer Bush own the rights to diesel engines. | ||
| Bro, I know it's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's such an expensive joke, dude. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| You brought Bud Light back. | ||
| The horses, yeah, they're very proud of those fucking horses, too. | ||
| Look, not to be a corporate shill, you see those Clydesdales, it's exciting. | ||
| You see them pulling the fucking Anheuser-Busch cart? | ||
| That's why they use them in commercials. | ||
| Yeah, it's a very exciting thing. | ||
| So sick. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn. | |
| Didn't meet the fucking Dalmatian, though. | ||
| I was sad about that. | ||
| Bro, they didn't even look real. | ||
| They're so big, they don't look real. | ||
| Yeah, it looks pretty hot. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| Is that like a ceremony? | ||
| Is that like the ceremonial? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was pretty cool. | ||
| At the end of Prohibition, they fucking rode those things right down Pennsylvania Avenue and gave the president a case of Budweiser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Pretty sick. | ||
| I forgot how long Prohibition was. | ||
| It was a while, dude. | ||
| It was like a decade at least. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Everyone was getting wrecked, dude. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| No one stopped drinking at all. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| But that's one of the few things that's ever been made like that that was rescinded. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Prohibition is the big lesson, too. | ||
| It's the big lesson also because of the rise of the Mafia. | ||
| Prohibition is the rise of the NASCAR. That came from it, too, though. | ||
| Did it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those were cars that they souped up to get away from cops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the origins of NASCAR. Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Moonshiner, son. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is wild to think at the end of Prohibition, they drove and gave a case of beer to the President. | ||
| Like, think if they legalized weed. | ||
| Bring Biden some weed. | ||
| And just drove Biden. | ||
| What if they give Biden weed and he just snaps out of it? | ||
| And he's like, oh boy, you know, I've just been so foggy. | ||
| But now I'm getting it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How the fuck did they let me be President? | |
| I don't even know where my underwear are. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's... | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy, man. | ||
| There's no way they can get it. | ||
| They can't be serious about running him again. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's going to be the president again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, it's going to be crazy. | ||
| He's not going to win. | ||
| They're just going to keep him on testosterone and Adderall, and people are going to vote for him no matter what. | ||
| Dude, for like... | ||
| He's fine, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fine. | |
| It's going to be fun. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| So who's making that decision, though? | ||
| It's not him. | ||
| Me. | ||
| The government calls me. | ||
| They'll say, what do you think, Joe? | ||
| I'll say, yeah, run him again. | ||
| Let's see what's up. | ||
| Yeah, see how he does. | ||
| This could be, his second term could really be a landmark. | ||
| That could be, like, historic. | ||
| He's gonna really come back around. | ||
| He's gonna make improvements. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Whatever, they're gonna get him on the right meds. | ||
| For sure, they need to get him on something. | ||
| He's gonna bounce back. | ||
| He's gonna build back better. | ||
| They should just keep him alive forever. | ||
| Start giving him, like, artificial body parts. | ||
| And he'll just be our Emperor Supreme. | ||
| I don't have any problems with anything you just said. | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what we're doing. | ||
| We need someone to inspire us, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want an inspirational president. | ||
| I want to get pumped. | ||
| I don't have a picture of, like, my grandfather had JFK and he put him on his wall in his kitchen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have no president to, like, I'm old. | ||
| If only there was a good Kennedy out there. | ||
| Dude, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I need to get that boy up there. | ||
| You like Bobby? | ||
| Yeah, I love him, man. | ||
| I wanted to win so fucking bad. | ||
| Doesn't look like he's gonna win. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want him to win. | |
| I want him to win so bad. | ||
| It's like, yeah, dude, I love the Temple Owls. | ||
| I think this year we're gonna win the national title. | ||
| He sent me this thing today. | ||
| No offense, Bobby. | ||
| On Ozempic. | ||
| Tucker Carlson had this guy who used to work for a pharmaceutical company on his show today, or the episode's out today, and a lot of it is about Ozempic, about how many people are being prescribed Ozempic. | ||
| But they're handing it out like nothing, too. | ||
| It's kind of wild. | ||
| It's kind of wild because I think it's going to be one of the most profitable drugs ever. | ||
| Do they know what's going to happen to you after you take it? | ||
| People have been taking it. | ||
| I got a feeling there's no way that works. | ||
| That's what I'm... | ||
| Dude, people have been taking it for a long time. | ||
| They're like, oh, we've used this for diabetes. | ||
| I felt that way about literally every single... | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| Dude, SSR. People were like, you're depressed. | ||
| I was like, yeah, dude, definitely. | ||
| They're like, take this. | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| They're terrible. | ||
| They turned out to be awful, dude. | ||
| The withdrawal from those things are catastrophic. | ||
| People have severe bio-intestinal sort of things happen with them if they have a bad side effect. | ||
| Numb genitals. | ||
| Gastrointestinal. | ||
| Numb genitals? | ||
| You can get numb genitals too. | ||
| Brian Simpson had a real bad reaction to it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, real bad. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Brian's sad. | ||
| Yeah, his stomach was just jacked. | ||
| But some people take it as no problem at all. | ||
| Yeah, but when we try to get off of them, it's like... | ||
| You have like a headache and brain zaps for like a month. | ||
| What? | ||
| What do you want one, Jamie? | ||
| Ozempic burned off my genitals. | ||
| I found pieces of charred skin in the toilet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe... | |
| Maybe some other things are going on. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Fucking Ozempic. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| It's on the New York Post posted it. | ||
| Dr. Maria's pussy fell off? | ||
| Oh my god, she got severe burns and charred skin on her vagina, anus, and buttocks owing to once-weekly jabs. | ||
| She's a professor of pharmacology at the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley. | ||
| Pended testimonially on her ozempic use. | ||
| So she's obviously very smart. | ||
| She said, Ozempic, toe that pussy up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She said, I checked my genitals, anus, and buttocks. | ||
| Oh, that's just Ozempic, man. | ||
| Fucking rocked my anus. | ||
| My anus fell off. | ||
| I took a shit. | ||
| My anus fell off. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| She said some areas had charred skin. | ||
| She said it was as if she was exposed to sunlight for days. | ||
| Why is she taking those out? | ||
| Because everybody wants to be skinny, man. | ||
| She looks great. | ||
| I know a lot of people going on this stuff. | ||
| I'm not talking about this particular woman, but if you brought home a lady and she had a charred anus and vagina, You're like, what happened? | ||
| I used to be fat. | ||
| You'd go, alright. | ||
| She's thin and hot now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's a picture of me when I was 250. I'm like, whoa. | |
| How'd you do this? | ||
| My butt fell off, but things are fine. | ||
| We could do other stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It would be mouth play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My holes fell off. | |
| My holes rot. | ||
| My fucking holes fell off, but it's fine. | ||
| Are you into mouth play? | ||
| Mouth play? | ||
| Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| I know that's not great, but saying mouth play and hand play is so funny. | ||
| What a side effect. | ||
| What are you fucking Googling, dude? | ||
| What are you doing, Jamie? | ||
| I just keep going down the article. | ||
| It still hurts when I have to urinate or defecate. | ||
| It often starts peeling again because of the friction, said the survivor. | ||
| They're calling her a survivor. | ||
| Her lawyer might have wrote all those. | ||
| On a very strict diet, not taking any medication at this moment in time, but this will change in a few weeks. | ||
| Rosa, I want to heal before I start again with any medication. | ||
| And due to the strict diet, my level of glucose is thankfully under control. | ||
| She still supports it, which is nice. | ||
| She still laws the injections for lowering her blood sugar. | ||
| Well, that's what it's for, right? | ||
| It's a diabetes drug. | ||
| Damn, that's fucking wild. | ||
| I think one of the side effects is like stomach paralysis or something like that. | ||
| She had all of the side effects you guys just said. | ||
| Depression, gastro problems. | ||
| I'd be depressed, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, dude, that's fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird thing, man, because it's like, yeah, you shouldn't be obese, and I think it's something like 50% of the country, Shane, wanna speak on this? | ||
| Speak on your people? | ||
| Fuck you, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, it's rising. | ||
| It's gonna be... | ||
| Did you lose any weight doing the carnivore diet? | ||
| Yeah, the 12 days I did it, yes. | ||
| That was an easy one to fire. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I had vicious diarrhea, so... | ||
| Shit my pants. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| I mean, me and Matt... | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I did it with him. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| Astonishing, right? | ||
| The diarrhea was astonishing. | ||
| I shit my pants. | ||
| How many times? | ||
| I shit my boxers once. | ||
| I was in bed and I shit my fucking boxers. | ||
| That's when you need to eat a bowl of rice. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| You hit one diarrhea, you go, all right, I'm out. | ||
| I was taking these little Hershey Kiss stuff. | ||
| Something happens, though, after a while, your body figures it out. | ||
| Man, it was 16 days in. | ||
| It took me about two weeks. | ||
| I remember Tom Segura texted me, he said, this diarrhea is astonishing. | ||
| It is truly astonishing diarrhea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was water. | |
| You won't believe the diarrhea. | ||
| I had water. | ||
| It was like black oil. | ||
| It was like oil water. | ||
| But it didn't smell as bad. | ||
| It didn't smell that bad, though. | ||
| I don't know what was going on. | ||
| There was nothing in it. | ||
| It was water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Vegans would tell you it's all toxins. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Your toxins are coming out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Dude, I started missing big dumps. | ||
| Yeah, I think your body just... | ||
| Dumps are back on the menu, and I'll tell you what, I'm having the time of my life. | ||
| Dude, I learned I'm a bit of a size queen, dude. | ||
| I didn't like those little fucking shirts coming up. | ||
| Little pebble dumps. | ||
| Yeah, I was there bothering me. | ||
| I couldn't agree more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to get a fucking large dump, dude. | |
| You should eat a lot of kale. | ||
| Just a horse pie. | ||
| I got some kale in the fridge, right? | ||
| Yeah, have a lot of kale before you eat your food, and you'll have a big, meaty dump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's... | |
| I told myself, I got off that... | ||
| All roughage, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All that roughage and fiber. | ||
| I told myself, I'm just going to eat meat and vegetables. | ||
| I got off that diet. | ||
| I picked out so hard and gained all the weight back right away. | ||
| I was totally disciplined on it. | ||
| I'm like, alright, I'll add in veggies. | ||
| I'll be good. | ||
| Day one off of it. | ||
| How did you feel when you were on it? | ||
| I felt good. | ||
| I did feel good. | ||
| I liked the keto. | ||
| I was a little lethargic the first couple days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first night we did stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, that was weird. | ||
| I'm like out of it. | ||
| Felt a little weird. | ||
| But the keto stuff, I like the feeling, but I get like weeks into it, I start feeling kind of like loopy. | ||
| But I don't think I was eating enough either. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| I also got sick of... | ||
| Yeah, you get sick of eating meat. | ||
| I get so sick of meat. | ||
| So you just don't eat. | ||
| I made a rack of ribs and looked at them, and I was like, I can't, dude. | ||
| I can't eat them. | ||
| I was so sick of meat. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| I have zero problem. | ||
| Having Lemaire... | ||
| Lemaire lives with me now. | ||
| That was not helpful for the diet. | ||
| Like 2am it'd be like, alright, I'm ordering pizza. | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I was making pancakes in my house in the morning for my kids, just looking at them like, fucking Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's so weird how the most desirable foods are all terrible for you. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're most desirable. | ||
| Like a plate of lasagna, like smell it, you're like, ah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ah, a good pizza right out of the oven. | ||
| Like, oh, gee. | ||
| Right when you're about to take that bite and you feel that warm cheese and the sauce. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and Lemaire ate some DiGiorno last night while we were watching Cops. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| Shit rocked. | ||
| So you get the frozen shit? | ||
| We usually don't, but, you know. | ||
| What's the best frozen... | ||
| What's the one that you could cook from frozen? | ||
| DiGiorno's fucking good. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Especially, I mean, if you're eating DiGiorno, you're... | ||
| You're a piece of chow. | ||
| Yeah, true, true. | ||
| It's not going well. | ||
| They kill more... | ||
| Those pizzas probably kill more people from the house fires. | ||
| Dude, you ever read the fucking nutrition's on this? | ||
| From the house fires? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| People get black out and put those things in the oven and pass out all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| DiGiorno by the sea. | ||
| Those things are like the leading cause of death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't leave. | |
| They kill whole blocks of row rooms. | ||
| There's, for real, there's no, yes. | ||
| That has to happen nonsense. | ||
| How many of the people eating frozen pizzas are drunk? | ||
| What's the percentage? | ||
| If you're sober eating a frozen pizza, you're a fucking loser. | ||
| I'll be on the record for that. | ||
| It's just pedophiles eating them. | ||
| Pedophiles are sober eating frozen pizza. | ||
| If you're not kind of lit when you're eating one of those, you're a pedophile. | ||
| You gotta be high as fuck. | ||
| Have you ever tried to make your own pizza? | ||
| You ever do the pizza oven thing? | ||
| Yeah, I worked at a restaurant when we were doing that. | ||
| I'm not good at it. | ||
| But now you have a nice yard. | ||
| Like, maybe you get a little pizza oven. | ||
| Ooh, a pizza oven would be nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys, I'm not doing anything. | ||
| Your culinary journey is going to be amazing. | ||
| I'm playing Xbox until shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can see you. | |
| It's not that hard. | ||
| I don't buy furniture. | ||
| I can see you with a ladle of sauce. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Throwing the fresh mozzarella. | ||
| I'm never going to change. | ||
| The basil. | ||
| Push it in there. | ||
| I've accepted who I am. | ||
| With the Bud Light, watching it cook. | ||
| Turning it. | ||
| Dude, cooking is a serious great joy of life. | ||
| Learning how to cook is a genuine great joy. | ||
| We gotta get you into making pizzas, bro. | ||
| Joe, you know that's the last thing I need. | ||
| You can use non-GMO, organic, flour. | ||
| Get some Italy flour. | ||
| Some flour straight from Italy with no fucking herbicides in it. | ||
| Nah, I'm gonna play Xbox and DoorDash Chipotle and then go to the show. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's my schedule every day. | ||
| That's a solid option. | ||
| Fuck, the show's in eight hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| So soon. | ||
| That's cutting into all my doing nothing. | ||
| Are you ready to get back onto our workout routine? | ||
| I am. | ||
| I've been hitting you up. | ||
| I've been like, bro, I need you. | ||
| You came here once. | ||
| I need you, though. | ||
| Yeah, you need help. | ||
| I need someone to go, you have to do it. | ||
| When you tell me if you're like, I can't make it today, I'm literally, I'm waking up looking at my phone going, thank you, Scott. | ||
| I really like working out with you guys, but I also really like working out by myself. | ||
| Going nuts, yeah. | ||
| For me, it's a good time where there's nothing going on, just me doing the routine. | ||
| You've been working out? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I always work out. | ||
| I'm not going to ever stop working out. | ||
| You've been saying I can't work out today and you're working out? | ||
| No, I said I couldn't do certain things. | ||
| I hurt my back for a little bit. | ||
| It wasn't bad though. | ||
| It was a muscle pull. | ||
| It wasn't anything to do with the spine. | ||
| I was doing this new exercise and I was doing it a little too heavy. | ||
| I tweaked something, but it was like a couple weeks later. | ||
| It was fine. | ||
| Now it's full. | ||
| I am ready to get back though. | ||
| I need it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Yeah, no slackers. | ||
| Yeah, I need it. | ||
| Brian Simpson likes to leave early. | ||
| Oh, I got a meeting. | ||
| Brian Simpson always has a meeting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a meeting at 1 every fucking time. | |
| Every fucking time we work out, he gets that one hour. | ||
| The sauna's the best, dude. | ||
| The sauna. | ||
| Dude, literally, he gets out 6... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, oh, fuck my phone. | |
| Dude, you're such a dickhead. | ||
| I gotta take a piss. | ||
| Alright, I'll take a whiz. | ||
| I'll take a whiz right now. | ||
| Go take a whiz. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I won't blow it, dude. | ||
| I'll be cool. | ||
| Don't bring up anybody in particular. | ||
| I'll be cool. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| We're not gonna talk about horses. | ||
| Is it the panic in his face when we're talking about shooting horses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They are fucking impressive, though. | ||
| They're fucking amazing, man. | ||
| I had no idea they were that. | ||
| I kind of knew, but I don't think I'd ever seen one next to a regular horse before. | ||
| I did not know they were that big, either. | ||
| They're a dwarf in regular horses. | ||
| I'm scared of horses, man. | ||
| I got bucked off of one when I was little. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I grew up next to... | ||
| I was one of six, and my cousins were one of ten. | ||
| And my dad and my uncle bought a piece of land outside of Philadelphia, like... | ||
| It was like a rural area. | ||
| It got built up now. | ||
| But I grew up next to like 10... | ||
| I had 10 cousins that we'd all just like fuck around. | ||
| Behind it, there was a guy who ran land off of us. | ||
| He had horses. | ||
| So I was always like, we'd cut through the horse place to get to the woods. | ||
| And like, dude, they'll charge you and shit. | ||
| They're scary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm still to this day terrified of them. | ||
| We used to ride him, and the one just went nuts and just bucked me off, and I was like, fuck this, dude. | ||
| I mean, I get it. | ||
| I think riding him looks awesome, but whenever you're riding an animal, like, you're on an animal, like, hanging on to an animal, is this necessary? | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, this kid, beside, like, fuck this guy, and this thing could kill me. | ||
| A friend of mine was in a trail of horses where they were going into this deep mountain elk hunt and one of the horses fell and broke its leg and they had to shoot it right then and there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, because they can't get it back. | ||
| They can't get it back, and they don't heal. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they shoot horses. | ||
| Damn, I didn't know that. | ||
| When the horses break their leg, they shoot them. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know they didn't heal. | ||
| They don't heal. | ||
| Yeah, they never totally heal. | ||
| And I think there's probably... | ||
| This was quite a few years ago. | ||
| It's probably methods that they use now. | ||
| Can they heal horses? | ||
| They definitely can't run again. | ||
| Like if it's a racehorse and they break their leg, that's it. | ||
| They'll never run again. | ||
| Damn, killing horses. | ||
| Yeah, they had to shoot this horse. | ||
| My buddy was on this wilderness trail and the horse fell. | ||
| It snapped its leg. | ||
| They just blast it in the head. | ||
| Shoot it. | ||
| You even see that at the racetrack? | ||
| No, they do. | ||
| If the horse breaks his leg, they'll bring out like a tarp on the track and hide it from the crowd and just... | ||
| Inject it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa, that's harsh. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how often they're still doing that, but that was just what they did. | ||
| They probably do, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bones suck. | ||
| They break too easy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They break so easy. | ||
| They take so long to heal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Such a shit design. | ||
| That's why we have to accept the new... | ||
| when we get AI. When you're gonna get a new body. | ||
| You're gonna get some titanium frame. | ||
| That'd be sick. | ||
| When's that stuff coming? | ||
| Unlike humans, horse has heavy bones and light leg bones. | ||
| This is the way... | ||
| heavy bodies, rather, and light leg bones. | ||
| This is the way they've developed many breeds, especially the thoroughbreds. | ||
| When bones break, they may often shatter, and it's almost impossible to surgically reconstruct the fractured leg. | ||
| While humans have some large muscles and a bit of tissue below the knee that helps stabilize a broken bone, along with a cast, a horse has very little muscle and hardly any other tissue besides tendons, ligaments, blood vessels, and some nerves below the knee. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| The lack of muscle and other tissue means that even in a cast, the broken bone has little to support it, and it's much harder to prevent a horse from using its broken leg to bear weight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Kill it. | ||
| So they have to shoot it. | ||
| Gotta kill it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They've figured out some stuff, but that's why. | ||
| That's been the most common way to handle it. | ||
| Compound fractures where a broken bone penetrates the skin have a much poorer prognosis and are less likely to heal successfully without complications. | ||
| Are likely to be euthanized, particularly if blood supply to the leg has been compromised. | ||
| So it says repaired. | ||
| The less complicated the fracture, the more likely the horse will recover. | ||
| Oh, so there are some that recover. | ||
| Green stick and stress fractures are incomplete fractures, and these can usually be treated successfully. | ||
| Simple fractures where there's one clean break are more likely to heal successfully than shattered bones. | ||
| Nah, you gotta kill him. | ||
| It stinks. | ||
| Gotta shoot him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, you guys bringing up euthanasia- Imagine tearing a ligament 500 years ago. | |
| You're dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even during the Bobby Orr days, back in those days, Bobby Orr used to work out at this gym that I worked at when I was 19. That's awesome. | ||
| And he walked in and he couldn't straighten his legs, so he had to walk with legs permanently bent. | ||
| And he would play like racquetball. | ||
| That's one of his knees. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Bobby Orr, number four. | ||
| Bro, they just cut his knees all over the place. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Just covered in scars. | ||
| Back then, man, the surgeries were terrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you didn't really recover. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're never really the same again. | ||
| Yeah, if you like pull your meniscus and you're like a hunter-gatherer, they'll just probably leave you. | ||
| Probably fucked. | ||
| Yeah, you just walked through it. | ||
| You just dealt with excruciating pain. | ||
| Nah, I'm fine. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Yeah, maybe that too. | ||
| You just dealt with excruciating pain forever. | ||
| Fuck, that sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you were lucky, if you weren't lucky, you'd get eaten by a jaguar. | ||
| Yeah, a cat. | ||
| Yeah, a cat fucking snatches you up by your neck, drags you up a tree. | ||
| Yeah, dude, that was the majority of human history was just brutal, violent death. | ||
| Well, that's why people... | ||
| All day, every day. | ||
| Little kids are scared of monsters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What experience do they have with monsters? | ||
| No, they know. | ||
| That represents animals that'll eat you. | ||
| It represents wolves. | ||
| Yeah, it's instinctual. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Baby turtles are scared of hawks. | ||
| That's what's going to happen to us again in about four years. | ||
| What's gonna happen? | ||
| Wolves. | ||
| Wolves everywhere. | ||
| No electricity. | ||
| Small packs of people. | ||
| Isn't that gonna be kinda cool though? | ||
| Banded together, running out of bullets. | ||
| No, that's gonna blow. | ||
| I think that would be kinda tough. | ||
| Second the grid goes down, I'm fuckin'... | ||
| You have no idea how bad it's gonna be. | ||
| It's gonna be bad, but like, dude, you get your juices... | ||
| Here's the thing, you're not gonna be like... | ||
| Bored and like, what's the point? | ||
| I'm gonna kiss you. | ||
| First of all, there will be no podcast. | ||
| If the power goes out of my house, I'm going to your room. | ||
| Get in here. | ||
| I'm gonna break down that door. | ||
| I'm gonna get a generator. | ||
| You better. | ||
| I need one. | ||
| You better charge that thing, because I'm coming. | ||
| Just imagine if just... | ||
| Maybe life stays exactly the same. | ||
| They figure out a way to get us food, they figure out a way to get us gasoline, but there's no electricity. | ||
| You can drive around, but there's no electricity, no social media, no internet. | ||
| So the 80s. | ||
| Just imagine that right now. | ||
| Imagine that right now. | ||
| That'd be nice. | ||
| But the world would be in a fucking turmoil. | ||
| No one would know what to do. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| What's real? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| I gotta read the newspaper? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's no electricity, so you can't even watch TV? There's no TV at all? | ||
| We should try it for like a month. | ||
| Have like the whole country just go off for a month. | ||
| Yeah, they wouldn't even be able to do the newspaper because they don't have the machines to do the newspaper like they used to do it before the electricity. | ||
| So they wouldn't even have the newspaper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, they're clamping down on Facebook and stuff now again, I think. | ||
| They've been trying to like get them forever. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What are they trying to do? | ||
| Like the government's like... | ||
| I don't know if it's like a political ploy. | ||
| If I would guess, if I was the government and I was looking at social media, I would say a couple things. | ||
| One, if you're protecting people. | ||
| The thing that's valuable, no one knew was valuable. | ||
| Everybody consented to give away their information, but nobody ever thought data was a commodity. | ||
| That had never been a thing in human history. | ||
| The data was insanely valuable, and then the people who have that data now, with all that money, have this insane ability to donate. | ||
| What are you doing, Jamie? | ||
| I'm showing you what they're suing them for. | ||
| More than 40 states and districts of Columbia filed lawsuits against Meta, the parent company of Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp. | ||
| Dictionary. | ||
| Facebook and Instagram deliberately manipulate their apps in ways to addict kids and teens and have failed to keep them off despite age limits. | ||
| Here's the thing, though. | ||
| Why is it their responsibility? | ||
| Just like why is it Pornhub's responsibility to make sure that you're 18? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you have a kid, it's supposed to be your responsibility to see what the kid's doing, right? | ||
| But how are you gonna... | ||
| Unless you have to use your ID every time you sign up and they have to verify your age. | ||
| They do that in Louisiana. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah, I tried to jack off in Louisiana. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Utah, you can't even get on. | ||
| Utah, you can't even get on. | ||
| Yeah, you can't get on the sites in Utah. | ||
| I found a site. | ||
| Well, I mean, you dig up some OG sites. | ||
| Boobs.com. | ||
| You have to dig up, like, the OG porn sites, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I had to dig deep. | ||
| And I'll tell you what, you go to those fucking off-the-grid porn sites. | ||
| You don't use a VPN? No. | ||
| You should use a VPN. Oh, that's a good idea, actually. | ||
| Yeah, you should use one. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| ExpressVPN. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| One click. | ||
| It's a sponsor. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Easy to use. | ||
| Yeah, you can pretend you're in fucking Hawaii. | ||
| You can pretend you're anywhere you want. | ||
| Ooh, do you think I can use it to bet somewhere else, maybe? | ||
| Not just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know that people use VPNs. | ||
| I'm going to use it to bet somewhere else. | ||
| There are sponsors. | ||
| I know people have used it to collect Pokemons. | ||
| I'm going to look up all types of stuff. | ||
| To collect Pokemons? | ||
| Yeah, they've collected Pokemons in places where they weren't really there. | ||
| I know people have used VPNs to bypass countries. | ||
| Like, you know, Netflix is like United States Netflix. | ||
| You can go to UK Netflix. | ||
| You can go to Asia Netflix. | ||
| You can go to whatever you want. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty cool. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I think they're our sponsor too, actually. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit, I love them. | ||
| I'll never bet somewhere else. | ||
| That's another thing that was like impossible. | ||
| Now it's everywhere. | ||
| Betting was impossible back in the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like fucking ten years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My dad was a... | ||
| Everyone did. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| I was going to snitch on my fucking dad. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| What the fuck am I snitching on him for? | ||
| There was a whole MMA organization that existed before betting went down. | ||
| And I think part of their business model was betting. | ||
| It was Bodog. | ||
| They had some big fights. | ||
| They had Fedor fight for Bodog. | ||
| Jorge Masvidal fought for them. | ||
| Some big fighters. | ||
| I think Chael Sonnen fought for them. | ||
| And they had fights on a beautiful beach in Costa Rica with hot ring card girls walking around. | ||
| And they had the fights outside with world-class fighters fighting outside. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And I'm pretty sure that was the business model. | ||
| It was about gambling. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| I saw it coming. | ||
| England had it before us. | ||
| I watched soccer and, like, soccer team's jerseys would have just, like, bet.com on it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So it's coming. | ||
| There was another thing, the International Pool Tour, they had a similar situation. | ||
| They had this big, like, multi $100,000, like $300,000, $400,000 for the winners for these tournaments, which is huge for pool players. | ||
| But it was all about online gambling. | ||
| And then the online gambling, they killed that. | ||
| They put the kibosh on that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they fucked up everything for just telling people what they can and can't gamble on. | ||
| It's like my same feeling about this meta thing. | ||
| It's like, I get it. | ||
| Yeah, the algorithms are designed to keep you engaged, but they keep you engaged with what you're interested in. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like they're saying they're shoving you only news from one source. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not their responsibility, I don't think. | ||
| They're not a news distributor. | ||
| If you're only into QAnon, they're going to send you fucking QAnon shit. | ||
| You're going to get a lot of QAnons. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure we've talked about it before. | ||
| Something happened with the algorithm lately. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| Oh, with the violent stuff? | ||
| All this stuff. | ||
| Oh god, with that stuff. | ||
| They're just tossing it in. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Instagram doesn't come to me now. | ||
| I'll start sending it to you. | ||
| Oh, I'll send it to you. | ||
| I'll put you on the one that me and Segura are on. | ||
| I don't want to see that. | ||
| Segura has done that to me like twice. | ||
| He and I do it every day. | ||
| We do it every day. | ||
| The second you see Arabic in the fucking description of the video, the caption, I'm like, I'm not. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've seen so many people get shot. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Oh my god, over the last month, I've probably seen a hundred people get shot. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| Factory workers? | ||
| Multiple times a day. | ||
| Oh, factory workers getting crushed to death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Horrible. | |
| Oh, you're seeing the industrial accidents? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know. | |
| Crazy industrial accidents. | ||
| Buildings falling on people. | ||
| Like, falling on them. | ||
| People sliding in a scooter under a truck, getting dragged by the truck. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| You name it. | ||
| Guys getting cut in half by trains. | ||
| Their buddies pulling the arms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's no good. | ||
| The entrails are hanging out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| There's so much. | ||
| Just like he threw his friend under the bus and he fell over and over again. | ||
| LaMare. | ||
| People are doing that. | ||
| On Instagram with horrible shit. | ||
| Last night, he was like, oh no. | ||
| As soon as I got in the club, I was like, I need security footage. | ||
| And then he was like, oh no, everyone's gonna see me fall. | ||
| And I was like, I'm doing Rogan tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like, oh no! | |
| I was like, 10 million people at least. | ||
| It adds to his charm, though. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was telling him about. | ||
| He's the funniest guy ever. | ||
| Everybody's shit their pants and everybody's falling. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, I shit my pants just last week. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I thought I was gonna fart in my house. | ||
| I felt it come out wet. | ||
| I was like, you son of a bitch. | ||
| You know what, sometimes that's kind of nice, though. | ||
| You get a midday shower. | ||
| I was on my way out the door. | ||
| I was on my way to do a podcast. | ||
| Shit my pants. | ||
| Shit your fucking pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddammit. | |
| Rinse them off in the sink. | ||
| Yeah, I'm usually good about shards. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you have to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| I usually can, like, sometimes I surprise myself. | ||
| I'm like, I definitely shit myself. | ||
| And I'm like, no, I didn't. | ||
| Bro, one time I was coming home from Fear Factor. | ||
| I just have a sweaty ass. | ||
| And I farted. | ||
| One time I was coming home from Fear Factor, and I just, I was fighting it. | ||
| I was fighting it. | ||
| You let it go? | ||
| There was a battle. | ||
| You let it go? | ||
| It was like, oh god, it was cramp. | ||
| And I just filled my pants. | ||
| I mean, filled. | ||
| I mean, filled. | ||
| Like, where I immediately felt it in my socks. | ||
| Like, right away. | ||
| I was like, oh, good lord. | ||
| I mean, it rocketed out of my asshole. | ||
| The underwear was about as effective as our border wall. | ||
| It went down my legs. | ||
| I felt it in the back of my legs instantly. | ||
| I was like, oh, Christ. | ||
| It was an explosion. | ||
| I was holding back as long as I could. | ||
| And you released it. | ||
| It was like hanging off of a bridge. | ||
| And you realize you can't pull yourself up. | ||
| You just let go. | ||
| You go, that's it. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| How far from your house? | ||
| I do not remember. | ||
| I just remember being in my car and just unloading on my SUV seats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I had a Lexus SUV. I just filled that front seat up with shit. | ||
| How did you clean that out? | ||
| What was the process? | ||
| I took it to the car wash, bro. | ||
| I cleaned it out myself and then I brought it to the car wash to get it detailed. | ||
| I didn't tell them I shit myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck, dude? | |
| The Fear Factor guy just gave us a shitty truck. | ||
| Hopefully he had leather seats, man. | ||
| Leather seats. | ||
| Oh yeah, they were leather. | ||
| That's good for dumps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cloth. | |
| A lot better than cloth, bro. | ||
| It gets in that foam. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It never comes out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over. | |
| Do-do in your foam. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| You gotta cut that foam out. | ||
| Dude, if someone throws up in your car, it smells forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over. | |
| You gotta burn it and say, oh, it caught on fire. | ||
| Bring it to the dealership. | ||
| I did not shit myself. | ||
| I definitely didn't shit myself, but I caught my front seat on fire. | ||
| My friend shit himself at work when we worked together and he drove home like sneakily to like change his pants. | ||
| We were like younger too. | ||
| We were in high school. | ||
| And his mom was outside and she was like, what are you doing? | ||
| He's like, I shit my pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she made him get undressed and host them all outside. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| He was like, it's so fucking embarrassing. | ||
| Yeah, it's as embarrassing as it gets, dude. | ||
| Getting hosed by your mom because you shit your pants. | ||
| Your mom's clean after half. | ||
| Garden hose. | ||
| He was poured into the driveway. | ||
| She's getting thumb on it to make it blast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's getting thumb on it. | |
| It's really focusing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cleaning on the... | |
| You gotta just... | ||
| You gotta just stand there. | ||
| I know, Mom. | ||
| Hose water's fucking freezing. | ||
| It's cold. | ||
| He said he was in his driveway, saw his house, and it just lost... | ||
| He's like, I lost it, dude. | ||
| At the goal line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At the goal line. | |
| Breaks his leg like a Clydesdale. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| At the goal. | ||
| I mean, that is where it gets you the second you... | ||
| I wasn't even close to my house. | ||
| I drove with the windows down smelling my own shit for a solid 25 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, dude! | |
| What was going through your head, though? | ||
| Like, did you accept it? | ||
| Were you like, this is unacceptable? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I shit myself! | ||
| I'm like, what are you gonna do? | ||
| I had ruthless diarrhea, whatever the hell was going on. | ||
| Yeah, you sick? | ||
| Yeah, it must have been. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| All I remember is that feeling, the feeling of, like, knowing you're gonna lose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm gonna have to tap out. | ||
| I don't know if I'm blacking out. | ||
| I feel it. | ||
| It feels so good though, dude. | ||
| That was horrible. | ||
| Just give in and be like, fuck. | ||
| If I had made it to the toilet, it would have been amazing. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It would have been one of the greatest victories of my career. | ||
| Matt gave me a bunch of micro-dose mushrooms. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Took more than I should, and I was just on a walk. | ||
| I was like, I'll just have a nice walk around New York. | ||
| Dude, I got like two blocks away, and I was like, my stomach just went, and I was like, dude, I sprinted home. | ||
| I sprinted up. | ||
| Tommy was downstairs and heard me run up the steps, and he was like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| I've got some great victories in my shitting career, too. | ||
| Yeah, that was one of the biggest victories I've ever had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you get to the ball, you're like, oh! | |
| The key works at the front door. | ||
| You're like, yes, yes. | ||
| You keep those muscles tight until you get to the ball, and you're quivering when you're pulling your pants down. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| You know those when you're like, I don't know if I'm going to make it. | ||
| Your teeth get all weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At the buzzer. | |
| The three-pointers in the air. | ||
| It's Dave time, dude. | ||
| I got jammed in an Uber on the way to the airport. | ||
| It was like 6 in the morning, and it just, all of a sudden on the way, I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| And I had like 20 minutes, and I was in the lady's car, like, sitting on one ass cheek. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| I had to look my ass up, and I was just letting out these, like, any fart could have been anything. | ||
| And I was like, I wanted to tell her, like, I'm sorry. | ||
| I was farting in the back of her car. | ||
| I could not do it. | ||
| I had to release pressure. | ||
| And you're sitting sideways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She looks back! | |
| Did you say sorry? | ||
| No. | ||
| She looks back at your launching. | ||
| I was at Terminal C. You're in the sideways launch position. | ||
| I was at Terminal C, and I'm like, Terminal A's fine. | ||
| I was like, where are you going? | ||
| I was like, Terminal C, and I got there. | ||
| I'm like, Terminal A's fine. | ||
| Damn, you jumped at the airport at the... | ||
| At the entrance, where all the homeless people go in, because anyone can get in. | ||
| I made it, and I sat down. | ||
| I saw there was no toilet paper, and I went, fuck it, and I had to just let it out. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| And luckily, dude, I went in my school bag, and my wife gave me... | ||
| Packet of Kleenex. | ||
| I saw them put it in my bag like weeks ago. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I don't leave that fucking shit in my bag. | ||
| She threw it in my bag and I went, what an angel. | ||
| Pulled the Kleenex out, wiped my ass out. | ||
| Woman's intuition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was. | |
| It's a shit-to-ish. | ||
| It's a woman's touch. | ||
| Bro, after using these robot toilets to clean your butt, I get sad when I have to just wipe it. | ||
| Because I know it's gross. | ||
| It sucks, dude. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| You're just smearing shit all over yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the way up. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like rubbing it to the point where you look at the tissue and it's reasonable. | ||
| That's reasonable. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Oh, fuck my ass itches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The bidets are so nice. | ||
| I got to put one on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, so nice. | |
| I bought one from my old house and I tried to connect it and the fucking water sprayed everywhere so I got to hire a professional. | ||
| Yeah, hire somebody. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta get a bidet. | ||
| It's so nice. | ||
| Dude, in the fucking bathroom in the comedy club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's nice. | ||
| Dude, we didn't have one for a while. | ||
| You've been shitting in there, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| You've been shitting in the one bathroom? | ||
| I shit every time I do stand. | ||
| I can't help it. | ||
| There's a button that says defecate. | ||
| You ever hit that button? | ||
| Yes, brother. | ||
| I've hit all the buttons. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's a pipe cleaner. | ||
| I haven't dumped there, I don't think. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| North America through the 1700s, people were still wiping whatever they had on hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Most common things were corn cobs and sea shells. | ||
| Pause on the corn cobs. | ||
| They scraped their asshole with sea shells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seashells? | |
| But by the 1800s, paper was becoming more widely available. | ||
| Yeah, magazines! | ||
| And finally, in 1857, a New Yorker named Joseph Gayety introduced the first patented toilet paper. | ||
| Boss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| 1857. So until 1857, everyone was just, the Romans cleaned it behind the sea sponges. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| That beats the fuck out of a seashell. | ||
| Attached to a stick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of places in the world keep like a dish of water. | ||
| In the Middle East, you keep a dish of water above your toilet and use one hand to like splash water on your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| I think that's the move. | ||
| The move is the sponge. | ||
| If you use the sponge, then you can clean the sponge off. | ||
| You can reuse it. | ||
| It's green. | ||
| Can you throw the sponge away, Jamie? | ||
| There's a pile of sponges in the toilet. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You clean your sponge, you piece of shit. | |
| Everybody gets one sponge. | ||
| It goes with your voter ID. It's a sea sponge. | ||
| Go get another one. | ||
| You don't have to put it on the end of a spear. | ||
| You hold it in your hand like a gentleman. | ||
| They would get old, though. | ||
| It's like you're buffing. | ||
| When you're buffing your hood. | ||
| Just buff your asshole with a sea sponge. | ||
| A sponge actually, that is nice. | ||
| That seems like a good move. | ||
| A thing for your car would feel great on your ass. | ||
| I might test a sponge. | ||
| So you have a toilet, and right next to the toilet, you got like a basin, and the water's flowing. | ||
| You dunk your sponge in there, clean it out, uh-huh. | ||
| It's a nice sound, too. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's water dripping in. | ||
| Unless you just got a mess. | ||
| Chunky, thick, frozen yogurt. | ||
| You're never getting it out of sponge. | ||
| It's deep. | ||
| It's all over your ass cheeks. | ||
| You're wiping your legs. | ||
| It's all the way up your back. | ||
| It's dripping down your legs now. | ||
| What the fuck did I do? | ||
| You're used and shared by fellow butt wipers. | ||
| Oh, they were used and shared. | ||
| You don't have your own. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Why would you have your own, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking Rome, dude. | ||
| Okay, so if one of the Farika visitors had intestinal worms, all the others would carry them home, too. | ||
| Without any knowledge of how diseases spread, the overall Roman toilet setup could hardly be called hygienic by modern standards yet. | ||
| You know how they told me to test kids for worms? | ||
| They said, put a piece of scotch tape on your kid's butthole while sleeping, and the worms come out of the butthole at night, and they'll get stuck in the scotch tape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, I had a doctor tell my wife this today. | ||
| Don't you have to shine a light on your kid's asshole to see the worms coming out at night? | ||
| I heard that story. | ||
| They want us to put Scotch tape on the b-hole. | ||
| Mayo Clinic says to do that too. | ||
| Press the adhesive side of a piece of transparent tape to the skin around the anus of the person you suspect as pinworms as soon as the person awakens. | ||
| The eggs stick to the tape. | ||
| When you take the tape to your appointment so the doctor can look at pinworms or eggs under a microscope. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Isn't that fucking crazy? | ||
| Bro, this is a crazy video of a black bear. | ||
| This black bear is walking and it's got worms. | ||
| It's got worms coming out of its butt. | ||
| Like a giant one. | ||
| Like garden noses. | ||
| Like garden noses. | ||
|
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|
Hanging out of his ass. | |
| How crazy is that? | ||
| His face. | ||
| He's like, I know, dude. | ||
| This sucks. | ||
| This is embarrassing. | ||
| The size of those worms. | ||
| What must be going on in their gut? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The worms must be getting most of the food. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's so nasty. | ||
| If they're making their way all the way out through your asshole, that thick, look at that, those thick COVID vaccine-like ropes. | ||
| You know those blood clots that you find on Reddit? | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| Look at that fucking length of that thing. | ||
|
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|
Look at that one, that one you just showed, Jamie? | |
| But look at the length! | ||
| Oh my god, look at the length of that! | ||
| Look at the worms behind him! | ||
| Oh, brother, that tree's not the answer, man. | ||
| No, that's good, though, for now. | ||
| True. | ||
| Imagine having no idea what's going on in your butt. | ||
| Jamie, get that bear racking his nuts doing that. | ||
| It's pretty great. | ||
| He has no idea what's going on in his butt. | ||
| Let's change the subject from diarrhea and worms. | ||
| Bro, that's crazy. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's kind of sad. | ||
| You ever see that bear get hit in the nuts? | ||
| This one? | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty wonderful. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| This is one of the greatest videos ever. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Gear it up. | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| Scratching his head. | ||
| Scratching, man. | ||
| God, that's got to feel fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, look at him. | ||
| He's just rubbing his back. | ||
| Is there any other animal that does that? | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Oh, he caught himself. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's like, oh, my nuts. | ||
| Oh, my nuts. | ||
| Instantly just a dude. | ||
| It took like a good ten seconds to fully kick in on him. | ||
| They are absolutely the coolest animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're the coolest. | ||
| Grizzly would kill a gorilla, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| It's a hot take. | ||
| I'm tired of these people saying gorillas would fuck up a grizzly. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Grizzlies are fucking... | ||
| They're huge! | ||
| They run 40 miles an hour. | ||
| Well, there's different types. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| There's different types. | ||
| There's mountain grizzlies and then there's coastal brown bears. | ||
| Which are the same species, but they have much more access to protein. | ||
| They're just eating salmon all day. | ||
| And moose. | ||
| Those things are giant. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Look how fast they run. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| They run so fast. | ||
| But more importantly... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But believe it or not, John Donaher and Lex Friedman had a conversation about this that I saw. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| About who would win. | ||
| A gorilla, a bear, a grizzly bear, or a lion. | ||
| And what he was... | ||
| Lions getting rocked. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Well... | ||
| Easy. | ||
| No, no, probably not. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, probably not. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I'm out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's hard to say. | ||
|
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|
I'm out. | |
| It's hard to say. | ||
| Lions are pretty big. | ||
| You know, a big male lion, a tiger would. | ||
| A big, like, Siberian, and those really enormous tigers. | ||
| I watched a sloth bear hold his own against a fucking tiger recently. | ||
| That's just a shitty, mangy, shitty bear. | ||
| Those are very aggressive bears. | ||
|
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|
A grizzly. | |
| Sloth bears are very aggressive. | ||
| They kill a lot of people. | ||
| That was the first time I met you. | ||
| I showed you a sloth bear killing a man. | ||
| The day we met. | ||
| The first time we did an open mic together, I was like, yo, check this out. | ||
| It was the bear eating a guy. | ||
| He showed me a guy jump off a building and I was like, sick. | ||
| That was a rough one. | ||
| This is a bear versus a tiger. | ||
| This is actually very nice. | ||
| That sloth bear is defending its cub. | ||
| It's a very nice moment, dude. | ||
| Yeah, that's a small tiger. | ||
| And that soft bear gets rocked and hangs in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
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|
Damn, dude. | |
| They're tough, dude. | ||
| They're tough. | ||
| A grizzly would go nuts on that thing. | ||
| Fuck, they're lying up. | ||
| Maybe that size tiger. | ||
| That's not a very big tiger. | ||
| It depends on how big they are. | ||
| It's just, the thing about grizzlies and lions, they're the ones that have the giant advantage because they kill shit all the time. | ||
| This is one of the things that Don Hurst said, like, Gorillas don't really kill anything. | ||
| Silverbacks have canines that are just for posturing. | ||
| They're just like for showing their fangs. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird that they have canines because they don't kill anything. | ||
| Every other thing that has canines as big as a gorilla kills things. | ||
| They just eat vegetables. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| I wonder if they ever ate meat. | ||
| Will monkeys eat meat at all? | ||
| Yeah, monkeys do. | ||
| Chimps do. | ||
| Chimps are very carnivorous. | ||
| Chimps are very carnivorous. | ||
| They eat a lot of meat. | ||
| They eat a lot of monkeys. | ||
|
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|
They eat monkeys. | |
| A lot of monkeys. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They'll eat deers. | ||
| They eat monkeys. | ||
| They eat everything they can catch. | ||
| But they eat fruit. | ||
| If it's available, they eat the fruit. | ||
| But really what they want is monkeys. | ||
| That's their favorite thing to eat. | ||
|
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|
Damn. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They found out. | ||
| You remember Chimp Heppler? | ||
| David Attenborough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, true. | |
| They were, like, fucking with those things. | ||
| Well, I had the director on. | ||
| He said they didn't even show all the chimps eating monkeys. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| So often. | ||
| He was like, it's their favorite thing to do. | ||
|
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|
Oh. | |
| Yeah, look at the size of that cat. | ||
| Imagine if that motherfucker walks in. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Siberian versus Bengal tiger, as it said. | ||
| Yeah, that's a Siberian. | ||
| They look the same. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| Show the belly. | ||
| The guy's like, no thanks. | ||
| I like that guy chilling. | ||
| He's just walking around that cage like Francis Ngano. | ||
| Get the fuck out of my way. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that thing against a grizzly? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But grizzlies are fucking insanely durable, man. | ||
| The thing about that, they're designed to fight. | ||
| A cat is not necessarily designed to fight. | ||
| They're designed to kill things. | ||
| Grizzlies fight each other all the time, and they fight for like 20 minutes. | ||
| And they tear each other apart, and they don't get hurt. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Their skin is so flexible and so thick that they get just bit down on, and they're shaking each other, and then they just shake it off. | ||
| Like nothing happened. | ||
| Yeah, I'm still, I'm grizzly on this. | ||
| What's the gorilla's... | ||
| It's a good possibility. | ||
| The thing is like a cat. | ||
| Super strength? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just strong as fuck. | ||
| And smart. | ||
| The gorilla's smart. | ||
| True. | ||
| But they're gonna get fucked up. | ||
| They're gonna get fucked up. | ||
| You're taking a big cat against a gorilla? | ||
| A gorilla? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm not necessarily taking the big cat against a grizzly. | ||
| But maybe. | ||
| Because I don't think, I don't think the big cat is used to fighting. | ||
| Grizzlies fight so much. | ||
| Like, they know how to fight. | ||
| Like, I think it would know how to hold the cat down. | ||
| Those cats fight. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| I think they have to fight. | ||
| Don't they kill all the... | ||
| They get killed. | ||
| They get kicked out of the fucking group. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| But grizzlies fight, like, every year. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Grizzlies are out there. | ||
| They're like Tyson in their prime. | ||
| It's every two weeks. | ||
| Get in front of each other. | ||
| I've seen bears fight in the wild. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's wild, see. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| These bears were going at it. | ||
| I was in Alberta. | ||
| And the way they hunt bears out there, the forest out there is like a box of Q-tips. | ||
| You can't see shit. | ||
| You can't see shit. | ||
| So the way they hunt bears, they have an enormous bear population. | ||
| It's like they're infested with black bears. | ||
| They leave bait out. | ||
| They need to eat like donuts or something sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then the bears come to that. | ||
| So these bears know where this one, or they leave a dead beaver. | ||
| That's another thing they leave. | ||
| So the bears know when the bait is there, and so they'll decide who gets the bait, or they'll decide that a female is hot and she's ready to have sex, and they'll fight over the female. | ||
| But I watch these two dudes just go at it. | ||
| Just... | ||
| Just go at it, like, 30 yards away from him. | ||
| Like, this is wild. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Yeah, the black bears are prevalent in the Poconos in Pennsylvania. | ||
| They're kind of sissies. | ||
| They are. | ||
| Well, I mean, they're at least like, they don't fuck with people. | ||
| They run away. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Dude, my neighbor, when I was up there, the guy who stayed next to us was like, I'll walk down the driveway with him. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you're out of your fucking mind, man. | ||
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Jamie, there's a video of, I think it was a black bear, getting into a dude's cabin. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he's like, there's no, you can tell it's just a bro. | ||
| He's like, dude, I think there's something in the kitchen. | ||
| And then he's like, holy fuck, it's a bear dude, holy fuck. | ||
| Then it comes up the step, like it's... | ||
|
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|
I don't know, Jamie, find that, because I sound like a dumbass. | |
| He killed a kid at Rutgers a few years back. | ||
| A kid got killed by a black bear? | ||
| At Rutgers. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Yeah, he was going to school at Rutgers in New Jersey. | ||
| The Stress Factory? | ||
| New Jersey, yeah, the Stress Factory. | ||
| New Jersey has the highest population of bears per capita in the country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, New Jersey does. | ||
| New Jersey State, when the governor, who's currently in, when he was running, one of the things he was running on was stopping the bear hunt. | ||
| Chris Christie. | ||
| Because people were upset. | ||
| People were upset that people were hunting bears. | ||
| Like, the people that live in Newark and cities. | ||
| Like, what are you doing, Hackensack? | ||
| You're hunting bears. | ||
| They kept that law for two years. | ||
| And then he's like, forget it. | ||
| Start hunting bears again. | ||
| So many bear interactions with people. | ||
| They were going up so high. | ||
| They were fucking up people's garbage cans. | ||
| Yeah, they come in the Poconos. | ||
| You gotta lock your thing up. | ||
| Because they come, like, every Sunday they're coming. | ||
| I was fucking terrified of them. | ||
| My family and I, we got a house in the Poconos, and the deer are everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| And they are fucking disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta shoot them. | ||
| Dude, we walk outside, there's just the most mangy fucking deer you've ever seen. | ||
| Well, they also might have chronic wasting disease. | ||
| They're fucked up. | ||
| Oh, dude, that's fucked up. | ||
| My brother saw that. | ||
| They just drown themselves and stuff. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| They call it like a zombie disease. | ||
| It's a prion disease. | ||
| Look at this bear. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| That guy's just chilling. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| I said, what the fuck? | ||
| Dude, there's one. | ||
| There's an Asian lady taking a nap and a bear comes over and starts sniffing her face. | ||
| The thing about bears... | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Black bears, if you get attacked by a black bear, it's more likely trying to eat you. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you get attacked by a grizzly bear, it's more likely you shocked it, like you came near its cubs, that kind of thing. | ||
| Or might want to eat you, too. | ||
| That's possible, too. | ||
| But with black bears, it's more likely that they're just hungry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, dude. | |
| Wasn't Grizzly Man there when they started to get hungry? | ||
| Isn't that what happened? | ||
| Yeah, he stayed. | ||
| He hung out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He stayed. | |
| They were like, don't be there during that season. | ||
| Yeah, there were bears that were so hungry they couldn't hibernate. | ||
| They didn't have enough fat to hibernate. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| It was an old bear, and he just didn't have any food. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He got a good meal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He became a bear in the end of it. | ||
| Just sniffing this lady. | ||
| That's a guy. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Sleep. | ||
| He wakes up and sees a bear. | ||
| A bear was fucking with his shoes. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, they're cool. | ||
| You just don't want a lot of them near you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want any of them. | ||
| Do you know they used to eat them and not eat deer? | ||
| They'd eat bears? | ||
| Yeah, the pioneers. | ||
| Like, when they first started establishing America, they would eat bear and they would use the deer for skins. | ||
| That's why a dollar is called a buck. | ||
| That was the amount of money you could get for one deer skin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, they didn't eat deer, which is crazy. | ||
| What's bear taste like? | ||
| It tastes good. | ||
| It's closer to beef. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| And so they were eating bear and they were just using the deer for skins. | ||
| I like to think of that, the guys that got to North America and ran into fucking grizzlies, like from Europe. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Well, Europe has a lot of brown bears. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Russia has some of the craziest brown bears. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But Germany has brown bears. | ||
| I think someone could get killed by a brown bear. | ||
| Germany has brown bears? | ||
| Pretty sure. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I guess they got those forests. | ||
| There's bears in the forest in certain parts of Europe, I know for sure. | ||
| I know they have brown bears out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lobster was like prison food when it first came. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Yeah, lobster, it was considered disgusting. | ||
| It was a bug they found near the boats. | ||
| They feed it to prisoners. | ||
| They would get them out of the East River and serve them to people at bars. | ||
| It was bar food. | ||
| First bear in Germany in 16 years. | ||
| Okay, yeah, there it is. | ||
| First wild bear in Germany, 170 years. | ||
| Alright, I was close. | ||
| Okay, that must have been one I read. | ||
| So are there bears in Spain? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Are there brown bears in Spain? | ||
| Oh so. | ||
| But there's definitely some... | ||
| Russia has some craziness in my brain. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I was like, you know, you drink enough and start remembering Spanish. | ||
| I was like, oh so. | ||
| For a bear. | ||
| I think that might be a bear. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| It's actually the new vodka. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Tom and Bert have a vodka. | ||
| It's called Oso? | ||
| Oh, what a great name. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| I just saw the ad and you said Oso. | ||
| I thought you were talking about the vodka itself. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oso. | ||
| I thought you were talking about that dude who was the guru in Wild Wild Country. | ||
| That guy ruled. | ||
| That guy ruled. | ||
| Oh, Osho. | ||
| The people are retarded. | ||
| Dude, Osho's books are good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For the people, by the people, of the people. | |
| But the people are retarded. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For the retarded, of the retarded, by the retarded. | |
| You're watching it, you're like, Dan, this guy's a genius. | ||
| This is, wow, this is going to be really insightful. | ||
| It's so deep. | ||
| But the people are retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
| This is something I would say. | ||
| This guy's not smart. | ||
| I think he's right, man. | ||
| I think he's on it, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| Second language, too. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Such a G. Government. | |
| Government. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the people. | |
| Think of being in this meeting, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of the people. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For the people. | |
| But the people are retarded. | ||
| That's why you look next to you and your friend's like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute, we think we might have fucking bet on the wrong guru, man. | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're in full lotus, just like, what? | ||
| You're in orange sweatsuits. | ||
| Knowing that you gambled on the wrong guru, that's why I'm so glad I got out of that first building. | ||
| That first building, I bought a first building before we bought the mothership, before that spot. | ||
| I bought a place that was owned by a cult. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| There's a documentary on it called Holy Hell. | ||
| Oh, Duncan told me that. | ||
| Yeah, he told me you were in like a... | ||
| Was he still kicking around? | ||
| The guy's in Hawaii now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| He restarted. | ||
| He's a legend though. | ||
| You told me this guy's story. | ||
| This guy fucking rules. | ||
| Guy's a legend. | ||
| So the guy was a gay porn star and a hypnotist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| Dangerous combo. | ||
| Dangerous combination. | ||
| It's the ultimate combo. | ||
| And a yoga instructor. | ||
| And beautiful, beautiful man. | ||
| What? | ||
| Amazing physique, six-pack, taught yoga. | ||
| But as he got older, he got creepy. | ||
| Started getting a lot of plastic surgery, lost his physique. | ||
| And so the Cult Awareness Network, it was like right after Waco. | ||
| Cult Awareness Network, they're cracking down on all these cults, you know, because Waco pops off, right? | ||
| Those motherfuckers. | ||
| So this motherfucker says, okay, I'm going to move to Austin, and just to throw people off who might be thinking I'm running a cult, I'm going to have my followers build me a theater so that I can dance in front of them. | ||
| And that was the place that I bought. | ||
| I bought that place. | ||
| It was going to be my comedy club. | ||
| Just a gay hypnotist dancer? | ||
| Well, I found out about it from Ron White. | ||
| Ron Wright's like, you should buy that theater that was owned by the cult. | ||
| I played there once. | ||
| It's a fucking awesome, beautiful place. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| He goes, oh, yeah. | ||
| It's a good Ron White, by the way. | ||
| It's a really good Ron White. | ||
| Every time I talk to Ron White, I'm like, I'm friends with Ron White. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| He might be the coolest dude. | ||
| Possible? | ||
| He's one of the greatest humans that's ever won. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| I love that guy to death. | ||
| So when he was telling me to buy the building, I was like, I'm buying that building. | ||
| It's for sale? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| And I took him on the tour, and he's like, yeah, I fucking killed right here. | ||
| So we all looked at it. | ||
| We brought in architects and everything. | ||
| I mean, we were in the planning stages. | ||
| They had like a significant issue that wasn't addressed, that had to be addressed, and I got out of it. | ||
| Yeah, it's like buying a house and they're like, it's haunted. | ||
| Well, there was a lot of issues. | ||
| First of all, the people, they were not construction people that made that place. | ||
| But then on top of that, Adam Egott, Tells me about the documentary. | ||
| I did not know about the documentary. | ||
| I just knew Ron said, yeah, a cult owned it. | ||
| I'm like, a cult. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| Normal stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Bunch of flower people. | ||
| They probably did yoga and grew squash. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There was a lot of buttfuck. | ||
| Dudes were getting applause. | ||
| They were getting hypnotized and fucked, and then they had to pay. | ||
| They had to pay for the therapy. | ||
| So he'd give them therapy, they'd have to pay 50 bucks, and then he would fuck them. | ||
| Did it work? | ||
| That's the thing about the documentary that's wild. | ||
| This guy was a legitimate hypnotist, right? | ||
| And he had these people convinced that he could give them this thing called the knowing. | ||
| And the knowing was he would like place his hands on you. | ||
| It would have to be the right time, the right moment. | ||
| But these people, to this day, were saying it's the most amazing moment of their life. | ||
| It was pure ecstasy. | ||
| They connected to God. | ||
| Like he, through the power of suggestion, when he put his hands on them, they really did experience that thing. | ||
| So he really did have that power. | ||
| He really, really actually did. | ||
| If you're a gullible person who's likely to join a cult in the first place, you're kind of a sucker, you're not skeptical, you believe this, and then you find yourself in the woods, and you're on your knees, and this guy's over you, and he puts his hands on your temples, and they would just go into full bliss. | ||
| And it's wild because it's in the movie, and it doesn't look like they're faking it. | ||
| It looks like they're having this wild, transcendent experience. | ||
| Like someone just gives them a full-on mushroom trip. | ||
| Just fucking whop! | ||
| Just hits them with a giant dose of acid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| And they're just like... | ||
| And they talk about it afterwards. | ||
| Even they're talking shit about him. | ||
| Even afterwards. | ||
| Like 20 years later when they're talking shit about him. | ||
| They talk about him. | ||
| They believed in him so much. | ||
| He was yoked. | ||
| Yeah, he was beautiful. | ||
| He was beautiful. | ||
| He had a six-pack. | ||
| He was a yoga instructor. | ||
| See, he would give them this thing, man. | ||
| He would touch them in the head. | ||
| And by the way, some of them, he would hold it back from them. | ||
| He wouldn't give it to them. | ||
| No, no, you're not ready. | ||
| Like, no, I'm ready. | ||
| And so they'd be complaining for years. | ||
| You are not ready. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Show that again. | ||
| Show that again. | ||
| No! | ||
| He's throwing fruit in people's mouths, bro. | ||
| Look at the way he's tossed it sideways. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice. | ||
| This is, by the way, this is later in life when he's getting a little creepy looking. | ||
| So he starts getting a bunch of plastic surgery and weird shit to his face and his body kind of falls apart. | ||
| But that was him dancing. | ||
| That was him dancing at the One World Theater. | ||
| What? | ||
| Which was the place that I was going to buy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| He had them build a theater so he could dance in front of them. | ||
| I mean, can you imagine seeing that guy and not hysterically laughing? | ||
| Well, as he got older, he just started looking like real weird men. | ||
| Like, real weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, look at him. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But when he was young, he was beautiful. | ||
| So that's the torment of youthful beauty. | ||
| You get older, it's fucking... | ||
| You become a monster. | ||
| Yeah, but even when he was young, it'd still be... | ||
| Like, if I saw a guy like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Throw a fruit in some guy's mouth and be like, I'm out. | |
| I bet he started throwing the fruit later in life. | ||
| Yeah, he started getting a little confident. | ||
| I bet he got a little cocky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He'd been running that call for a couple of decades. | ||
| That's an older version of the dude. | ||
| Changed his name twice. | ||
| Look at that fucking hog, though, dude. | ||
| What's this guy? | ||
| He's like a Clydesdale. | ||
| He's been stuffing in all those butts. | ||
| This guy's problem. | ||
| Look at all those hungry mouths behind him. | ||
| Oh, look at him, dude. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Look at the other guy. | ||
| The other guy had his mouth open, too. | ||
| The guy in the back was like, I don't wanna... | ||
| Look at the dude in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like... | |
| Oh, my mouth. | ||
| Oh, oh, dude. | ||
| I probably said to him, I experienced it through you. | ||
| I felt it. | ||
| I felt it. | ||
| The ecstasy you had of catching master's fruit. | ||
| The gay buttfuck cult, man. | ||
| That's tough, man. | ||
| Bro, so they found out because in the early 2000s... | ||
| Might be worse than Waco. | ||
| A guy left. | ||
| A guy left the cult and sent a mass email. | ||
| He's like, yo, this guy's been hypnotizing me and buttfucking me for the past 10 years. | ||
| And then everybody else in the cult. | ||
| I swear to God, he's fucking good at it. | ||
| They really didn't know how many people he was doing that to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they all started sharing information. | ||
| What? | ||
| I mean, he ran this thing for a long time. | ||
| The thing they all say, though, is in the beginning, it was great. | ||
| In the beginning of the cult, they were just having meals together. | ||
| And they were going on nature hikes. | ||
| They were doing yoga together. | ||
| Then as later, I think as he got older, he couldn't get as many guys. | ||
| So he needed to fuck them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you get gross looking, the only people that'll fuck you are the people that think you're a master. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| You know, when you're young and hot. | ||
| Let me tell you something, Joe. | ||
| True. | ||
| I know! | ||
| That's why I came to you. | ||
| He's out there getting it. | ||
| He probably didn't need to fuck him in the early days. | ||
| I do like the idea of being in a cult, like the moment of clarity where you're like, oh. | ||
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| Dude, Waco is so funny to think of a guy being in there when they're like, the feds are coming, we've got to fight them off. | ||
| And me and a guy in the meeting, like... | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| And if you leave, they'll shoot you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you run out that door, you're going to get shot in the back. | ||
| You've got to run out in the middle of the night. | ||
| So you've got to plan it out. | ||
| You have a fucking toothbrush and a pair of underwear taped to your leg. | ||
| You've got to figure out how to get over the barbed wire. | ||
| You've got to run out with a roll of carpet. | ||
| You throw the roll of carpet over the barbed wire. | ||
| You've got it all planned. | ||
| You hear Khrush like, where are you going, buddy? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And you hear, kak, kak, kak, kak. | ||
| And you feel the hot lead. | ||
| I heard a lot of those North California grow-ups. | ||
| They had that thing, Triangle of something, on Netflix. | ||
| I've heard a long time ago they were like that. | ||
| People with hippie kids would be like, I'm gonna go trim on this guy's farm, and it's like, thinking it's gonna be some cool hippie guy, but these are like country, Northern California criminals. | ||
| They're like hot young hippy chicks running out there and getting like drugged and stuff. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Well, that's a documentary series, Sasquatch. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That was nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| Very good documentary series. | ||
| It's about... | ||
| They attributed a murder to Bigfoot. | ||
| They said, Bigfoot goes... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| Tell us fucking Bigfoot, dude. | ||
| Imagine how high you have to be. | ||
| Dude, just be like, oh fuck. | ||
| Bro, Bigfoot killed that cartel guy. | ||
| Fucking Sasquatch broke in and killed all the cartel guys. | ||
| That was nuts. | ||
| So it was so remote and so lawless that guys would come in and steal people's crops. | ||
| They'd rob people and shoot people. | ||
| And so it was like, these guys started off as hippies. | ||
| And then it became a business. | ||
| That has to be how every... | ||
| Like Loch Ness Monster, Sasquatch, every single monster was definitely just a guy killing a guy. | ||
| I mean, I fucking... | ||
| This chupacabra came out of nowhere. | ||
| Back in the day, poor DNA evidence that people believed in monsters. | ||
| True, that's a good idea. | ||
| Also, if you leave someone's body in the woods, like where there's wild pigs and animals, they're gonna eat that body quick. | ||
| All you have to do is leave the body for 24 hours. | ||
| And something's eating it. | ||
| A coyote's gonna eat it. | ||
| I don't remember if we talked about this. | ||
| No, no, I haven't seen this one. | ||
| This shit was so funny. | ||
| Love has won. | ||
| The cult of Mother God. | ||
| That's one of the rare cults run by a lady, too, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, we watched some of this. | ||
| Yeah, I was. | ||
| It is so funny. | ||
| There's a dude that shows up and just dominates the cult. | ||
| A dude does? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A dude takes over? | |
| A dude shows up and just ruins everything. | ||
| There he was. | ||
| Yeah, she was fucking like, there he is. | ||
| He was the boyfriend. | ||
| He's a meth head. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He's a meth head? | ||
| Yeah, he's like, gets out of prison or whatever, goes to this cult. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| He said he was out raking leaves with all the community, and he just put his rake down and was like, I run this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he just immediately started dominating everybody. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Making them listen to heavy metal? | ||
| Dude, he'd put heavy metal on him and be like, this is power! | ||
| I'm power. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Like a dude would get to fuck this lady and then he'd be like father god. | ||
| So she had like three father gods and the meth head dude came through and just shut down. | ||
| Discovering a mummified body laying in an enshrined queen-sized bed wrapped in a sleeping bag decorated with Christmas lights. | ||
| They believed silver. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| What type of silver? | ||
| Colloidal silver. | ||
| They were like, that's gonna solve this. | ||
| So they were just crushing this lady with silver while she was an alcoholic. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And she started turning blue. | ||
| As a 19-billion-year-old deity, Carlson claimed she could cure cancer while also drinking herself into oblivion every night. | ||
| What a wild lady! | ||
| Dude, wait till you see. | ||
| What a wild lady. | ||
| Bro, I'm watching that tonight. | ||
| She's got the galactics. | ||
| She channels her deity. | ||
| I'm writing this down then. | ||
| I'm going to set a reminder to watch this. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| Mother love, right? | ||
| Love has won. | ||
| Love has won. | ||
| Love has won? | ||
| She channels her... | ||
| They're called the Galactics. | ||
| It's a collection of people that... | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| They have spaceships. | ||
| They're going to pick her up. | ||
| The Galactics are really... | ||
| It's Robin Williams and Donald Trump, who's still alive. | ||
| They love Trump, which is so funny. | ||
| They do love Trump. | ||
| She's like, anytime she gets hammered, she's like, Robin Williams is channeling himself through me. | ||
| That's why I'm being mean to everybody. | ||
| She's just doing stand-up. | ||
| No, she just gets hammered and be like, fuck you, bitch, clean up all my shit. | ||
| Then the next day be like, damn, Robin Williams was crazy last night. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| Then she starts taking silver and her cult believes her so much that when she starts to be like, I don't know guys, I think the silver might be killing me. | ||
| They're like, nah, the silver's good. | ||
| You're God. | ||
| She's like, I'm not God, I'm fucking hammered. | ||
| I've been hammered for 20 years. | ||
| Is that the same stuff that made that guy turn blue? | ||
| Remember when he was on Oprah? | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
| Did she turn blue as well? | ||
| She turns blue at the end. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| What did she look like at the end? | ||
| That. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| She wasn't that old, right? | ||
| She was attractive, dude. | ||
| Show her before. | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| Oh, the silver. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Jamie's still watching this on a sneak. | ||
| Jamie, you like that meat catch. | ||
| Look at that fucking dog, dude. | ||
| You little tiny dog watching guys catch meat. | ||
| She was very pretty. | ||
| She was pretty. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| Is that her too? | ||
| Yeah, that's her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LinkedIn photo. | |
| Wow. | ||
| LinkedIn. | ||
| LinkedIn. | ||
| Glad to see your business is doing well. | ||
| Yeah, it just became a business where the money guy is hilarious in it. | ||
| So she was running it for a while until the meth head came along. | ||
| She was so hot. | ||
| McDonald's manager to cult leader. | ||
| Wow, she was a McDonald's manager. | ||
| Yeah, she did it. | ||
| Hey, you can do it in this country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you have a good idea and you really work hard, you can. | ||
| You can die from rum and silver like a pirate. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Rum and silver. | ||
| Was she drinking rum? | ||
| Bro, she was crushing shit. | ||
| She's hammered the whole time and then her meth head boyfriend shows up and he rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| He dominates everyone. | ||
| All the other guys are pussies and this dude shows up. | ||
| They all still believe though. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's such a dangerous thing. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Super blue. | ||
| Colloidal server turns you blue. | ||
| Wow, he was a good looking guy before that. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's literally Papa Smurf. | ||
| That is, dude. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And they can't turn that. | ||
| It looks like William. | ||
| Over a decade. | ||
| Those look like William Montgomery. | ||
| Looks a little like William, the way he's smiling. | ||
| If he was bald, that's William Montgomery. | ||
| I am going to take colloidal silver. | ||
| William Montgomery should do that for Halloween. | ||
| Dude, blue face for Halloween? | ||
| He might get tackled in the street. | ||
| That guy had it too? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That stuff is in the Alex Jones toothpaste. | ||
| Colloidal silver? | ||
| In the Alex Jones toothpaste? | ||
| I don't want to besmirch his company. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| I think the colloidal silver was in the toothpaste. | ||
| His dad's a dentist. | ||
| Alex Jones' dad's a dentist? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You ever listen to the program? | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Super blue. | ||
| That's an interesting ad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zoom in on that. | |
| I gotta piss. | ||
| I gotta piss. | ||
| Matt, you can't be by yourself. | ||
| I'll take a break. | ||
| Let's take a break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| So much better. | ||
| Feels good, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's good to pee. | ||
| What's better? | ||
| Peeing or shitting? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something about a good one. | ||
| A good one versus... | ||
| I mean, think about a good whiz. | ||
| They're both pretty good. | ||
| But a dump. | ||
| When you're holding a whiz and you get it? | ||
| What it is, it's like a clitoral orgasm that's peeing real hard, and then dumping is like having a cervical orgasm. | ||
| I'm just saying, if you had to compare it to something. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of those guys like, I stub my toe, it's just like childbirth. | ||
| Wait, there's fucking cervical orgasms? | ||
| Dude, I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| You know what Nate Lemaire fucked me up on? | ||
| Our friends were, I was talking to them, and they were saying dudes are now reviewing their dick size, like the dildo that's their dick size, and reading the reviews women leave of the dildo. | ||
| Oh, I'm not coming close to that. | ||
| I'm not looking at it, dude. | ||
| You gotta talk about negative comments. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| My brain keeps dumping it. | ||
| It comes up, and I'm like, I'm gonna do it. | ||
| I would just get one of those little fucking tiny little buzzers. | ||
| If they had an Ozempic for dick size, and it gave you a bunch of side effects. | ||
| Side effects could be cancer. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Fired up. | ||
| Diabetes. | ||
| Turning blue. | ||
| Guys would just take diabetes medication, have a giant hog. | ||
| But if you only take you have to keep taking it like it artificially inflates the size of your dick for a limited time Yeah, you have to bang it every couple of days all day Every couple days, you gotta bang it. | ||
| It'd be so hard to not do that. | ||
| Everybody would do it. | ||
| If they do, boy, that's the holy grail. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, man. | ||
| What the fuck are they doing? | ||
| Yeah, what are they doing? | ||
| Making all this bullshit. | ||
| Talking around fucking flu vaccines. | ||
| Fuck that, dude. | ||
| Fix my dick. | ||
| Fix it. | ||
| I need someone to fix this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Grow it. | |
| Because I can't. | ||
| For world peace, if everyone of the same size dong, we might enter the age of peace. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Or it'd be a bunch of big dick kings. | ||
| That might be too much. | ||
| Well, in a place like China, isn't there like a giant difference between the number of men versus the number of women? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd think they would chill the fuck out. | ||
| Why would they? | ||
| Just dudes balling out. | ||
| They're getting angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Limited supply. | ||
| Oh, so there's more dudes. | ||
| There's more dudes. | ||
| Are you calling China a sausage party? | ||
| They had the one child policy. | ||
| It's a complete sausage fest. | ||
| Right, so it's just dudes. | ||
| Oh, they don't let the other... | ||
| Yeah, they can have girls. | ||
| And we're like, damn. | ||
| They have dudes. | ||
| China's killing us in math and science. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| In 2023, there were around 720 million male inhabitants and 689 female inhabitants. | ||
| That's a big difference. | ||
| Dude, that sucks. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Wow, there's 1.4 billion people in China. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's so many people. | ||
| They need to knock that off. | ||
| That's so many people, bro. | ||
| What is it, 690 and 720? | ||
| Is that what it was, Jamie? | ||
| No, it's 720 and 690. Yeah, you said it. | ||
| Yeah, so that's a solid 30 million, man. | ||
| That's a lot of people. | ||
| We're getting conflicted reports about China. | ||
| True. | ||
| You think they're pumping up the numbers? | ||
| I don't know what's going on, dude. | ||
| In terms of what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are they killing us? | ||
| Are they a paper tiger? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The thing that scares the shit out of me is if they go into Taiwan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they seem to be saying they want to go into Taiwan. | ||
| Well, dude, they're going to have a population crisis in 30 years. | ||
| Biden will shut that down. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's been, thankfully... | ||
| He's on the ball. | ||
| The thing I was worried about with Trump was, you know, it was like, if Trump gets elected, World War III will happen. | ||
| And then thankfully we avoided that, you know? | ||
| And there's definitely no chance. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| That's my opinion. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Isn't that funny, though, that, like, anti-war used to be the left? | ||
| Dude, they love it now. | ||
| Used to be the left. | ||
| The left was all anti-war. | ||
| The left was, we gotta stop the wars. | ||
| The left was Jimmy Carter. | ||
| The left was, you know, in the wars. | ||
| It's like, alright, you have to be mindful of, like, don't microaggress a lady at a job, and then it's like, oh, but shoot that Russian guy between his fucking eyes. | ||
| It's like, what, dude? | ||
| It's like, make sure you get their name right at Starbucks. | ||
| I saw a tweet. | ||
| Also, let's use drones to bomb Russians. | ||
| I saw a tweet where someone was saying how many people that have ARs could have sent those ARs to Ukraine to fight the Russians. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Do you know how many ARs? | ||
| Do you know how many guns are in America compared to the world? | ||
| But that was the point. | ||
| They were saying, you don't need an AR, you should send those guns. | ||
| Do you know what you're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you realize what you're saying? | ||
| To prevent a government invasion? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| So you need to give up your guns so that we're somewhere that is actually happening, they can get guns. | ||
| So that it can maybe happen here? | ||
| If no one has guns. | ||
| Dude, my dad has, like, six AR-15s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He buys them. | ||
| Anytime, like, something bad happens or, like, they're taking them away, he buys another one. | ||
| What's he gonna do? | ||
| They just stock them up. | ||
| He needs one. | ||
| Nah, dude, he's got six. | ||
| Him and his boy buy one. | ||
| Every time there's, like, a mass shooting, he's like, let's get another AR. Nice. | ||
| He's like, they're gonna take them. | ||
| So he's like, I'm trying to stock up. | ||
| So, yeah, fucking whatever. | ||
| It's like, that's his thing. | ||
| This is gonna be worth money. | ||
| He brought a gun to my show. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| I was filming a special and he came with a gun and a knife and the security was like, bro, you can't have the Hawk and the gun on you right now. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Is he open carrying? | ||
| Yeah, he just kind of, no, he had it concealed. | ||
| He had it concealed. | ||
| And then he was in Philly, he's all bugged out. | ||
| He's like, oh, he used to like, him and his family. | ||
| The dads watch Fox News and they're like, we can't go into a city. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| You'll die in any city, you'll die. | ||
| They had a trash company in the 80s, too. | ||
| So they always had guns on them. | ||
| What, people stealing trash? | ||
| No, but if you have a trash yard, it was in Chester. | ||
| Chester's outside of Philadelphia, and it's like a state of emergency. | ||
| The murder rate's crazy, and they were there during the crack epidemic. | ||
| So you had a transfer station where there's money in and out of there. | ||
| So yeah, it was nonstop of coppers there, all this other stuff. | ||
| You get tackled coming in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was fucked up. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| How'd they find the gun? | ||
| They didn't pat him down. | ||
| He just said, I have a gun. | ||
| I think they wanded him. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Did they do that at Helium? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Because they got him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They wanded him at Helium? | ||
| Or they asked him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They might have asked him. | ||
| They might have seen it. | ||
| They don't ask anyone to come in. | ||
| Maybe they did. | ||
| I'll have to ask him. | ||
| Because I've seen guys before with the wands. | ||
| Maybe he had the shoulder or the fucking leg holster like Clint Eastwood with straps. | ||
| He might have had La Femme Nikita. | ||
| He might have screamed it. | ||
| He might have been Tomb Raider. | ||
| I'll have to ask him. | ||
| I figure they wanted him. | ||
| Maybe they just... | ||
| He could have screamed it as soon as he walked in the door. | ||
| Oh, God, fuck it! | ||
| I'm from the suburbs! | ||
| And I got a fucking gun! | ||
| I was kind of pumped when I heard he was rolling that strap to the show. | ||
| I was like, fucking nice. | ||
| It is very nice. | ||
| It's also funny how much dads are afraid of cities. | ||
| Dude, terrified. | ||
| They hate cities. | ||
| Fox News dads. | ||
| All day they watch how terrible things are in cities. | ||
| That's their only... | ||
| My dad won't go to Harrisburg. | ||
| He's like, I'm not going over there. | ||
| When you watch those migrants jump those cops and beat their ass, and then they got out of jail with no bail right away. | ||
| That's trouble. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| I know, but it depends what your algorithm is. | ||
| And they're Tupac in the camera. | ||
| They Tupac the camera on the way out. | ||
| I didn't see this. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Apparently those guys have fled. | ||
| And they got released or deported? | ||
| They got released. | ||
| Oh, they're just back out. | ||
| Yeah, bro, they interviewed this one guy. | ||
| I was watching this YouTube video, what's happening in these hotels. | ||
| This one guy's been there for seven months, and he said they give him a nice hotel. | ||
| It's a nice room. | ||
| He says it's real clean. | ||
| They give him breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, and he's an illegal immigrant. | ||
| And then there's people that are poor. | ||
| They're like, hey, What about my family? | ||
| What about me? | ||
| What about us Americans that live here, have always been here, born and raised here, and people just sneak in and you're giving them all these things you won't give us. | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Is it like a vote? | ||
| Are they trying to get new voters or something? | ||
| I would imagine yes. | ||
| Yeah, but they're not going to be down with it. | ||
| Have you ever met a dude from Guatemala? | ||
| They're doing it right now in New York City. | ||
| In New York City, they're allowing illegal immigrants to vote. | ||
| This is something they just... | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Is that absolutely true? | ||
| Let's make sure, because this is a big statement. | ||
| But I'm pretty sure that was one of the things that they were trying to do. | ||
| They were trying to make it so that these people could be documented. | ||
| And this is what they keep saying. | ||
| The way to deal with the undocumented people is find a pathway for them to be documented. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That's how we've always done it. | ||
| It's legal immigration. | ||
| Now, you might think legal immigration is too restrictive. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But you can't just let anybody in, because terrorists are a real thing. | ||
| This is not like an imaginary, it's not like orcs. | ||
| Like, we know terrorists are real. | ||
| And they already caught that one guy, where they asked the guy, like, who are you? | ||
| He goes, you will know soon enough. | ||
| And then they find out, okay, this guy's on a terrorist watch list. | ||
| And made it into America. | ||
| What a dumbass. | ||
| They're not going to vote left though. | ||
| These people coming from like South American stuff are going to read the issues. | ||
| A lot of them will because those are the people that got them in. | ||
| Those are the people that are giving them money. | ||
| Those are the people that are giving them free food, free place to sleep. | ||
| Wouldn't you vote for those people? | ||
| Especially, all you want to do is get a fucking job. | ||
| And if you vote for these people, and these people are going to allow you to be documented, you're going to be able to get a job and then continue to get social assistance, which has been pretty remarkable. | ||
| Getting money and food and a place to live. | ||
| Why wouldn't you do that? | ||
| Yeah, but then they'll work, and they'll get on their own two feet, and they're pretty conservative. | ||
| That's when it's time to close the border. | ||
| Once you get established, you go, no one else. | ||
| Well, they don't in California. | ||
| In California, that was what changed California. | ||
| California, when Reagan was in office, Reagan created a pathway for illegal immigrants to become legal and vote. | ||
| And when he did that, the Republicans never won California again, except for Schwarzenegger. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| You know what's interesting? | ||
| You know what's interesting about how the left has turned to kind of like war hawks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The right has kind of turned to your statement there about, why don't we help Americans? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like now all of a sudden the right's like pro-welfare. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, we should be helping our people. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's just everything's kind of... | ||
| Well, people are waking up on both sides. | ||
| But there's a lot of people that are left-wing people that are like, what the fuck is going on with all these wars? | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| Like, this is not something that we were supposed to be about. | ||
| And, you know, there's a lot of people on the left that look at what's going on in Gaza right now and they're freaking out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then there's that turmoil on the left. | ||
| Here, give me a beer. | ||
| I'd like to talk about Gaza. | ||
| I like the... | ||
| That's a quagmire. | ||
| The Gaza's a quagmire for the left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| They're like... | ||
| It's funny that America's like, what are we doing in all these wars? | ||
| It's like, bro, do you know who we are? | ||
| Yeah, that's what we do. | ||
| It's all we've ever done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Start to finish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Day one. | ||
| That's how you make a place like this. | ||
| Here's the thing I can find. | ||
| This is not from this year. | ||
| This is from 2022, but this is the only thing I can find. | ||
| Yeah, Eric Adams. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This has to do with local elections, first of all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then people with green cards and the DACA. Anyone that's a DACA. Which is the dreamers, people... | ||
| Dreamers, people who are born here, right? | ||
| Parents were brought into this country illegal as children. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Not born here, rather. | ||
| Dreamers. | ||
| So they're allowed to remain... | ||
| Yeah, no, it's great. | ||
| That does sound nice. | ||
| That's all great. | ||
| But they are allowing people that are not legal residents or that are not legal citizens to vote, right? | ||
| In New York elections. | ||
| Yeah, so that's all you need to know. | ||
| So that's the beginning. | ||
| So that's how you win the election over and over and over. | ||
| In the short term, yeah. | ||
| That's how you control local elections in New York. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| I mean, it's a foolproof playbook. | ||
| You give people, like, way better treatment than you give the people you have. | ||
| That's the same thing Osho did in Wild Wild Country. | ||
| They bust in all those homeless people and let them vote, remember? | ||
| They just brought in homeless people from everywhere and said, you're going to be a part of our community. | ||
| And these people are like, finally I have a place to be. | ||
| And then once they vote, they're like, alright, get the fuck out. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They kicked them all out again. | |
| That documentary is wild. | ||
| His books are good, though. | ||
| I've read a couple of his books. | ||
| They're good. | ||
| He's a smart dude. | ||
| No, he was genius. | ||
| He really was. | ||
| He was brilliant. | ||
| But he was also, like, you know, driving, like, he had, like, 13 Bentleys and shit. | ||
| That was just a lesson for us, dude. | ||
| I mean, bro, you can't help yourself. | ||
| That was just a lesson. | ||
| You gotta get the Bentleys, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| But he had so many of them. | ||
| I will say that. | ||
| Once you buy one nice car, I've been on that. | ||
| You want a second one? | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| What are you gonna get? | ||
| I don't know, but, no, I'm not gonna buy another one, but I'm excited. | ||
| You need yourself a fucking pickup truck, son. | ||
| I'm excited for my lease to run out so I can get a new one. | ||
| Yeah, switch it up. | ||
| How about a Raptor? | ||
| Strikes me as an SUV guy for sure. | ||
| A Raptor? | ||
| You ever drive one? | ||
| Yeah, but this is what I look like. | ||
| I can't have a Raptor. | ||
| How about a TRX? You can't play Xbox all day and then get in a Raptor. | ||
| Yes, you can, dude. | ||
| Dude, gamer chairs. | ||
| You definitely could. | ||
| Customize gamer chairs in the car. | ||
| Get a TRX. We'll see. | ||
| What's a TRX? It's a Ram that has 700 horsepower. | ||
| Oh, those things are wild, man. | ||
| Those things are kind of nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll show you one. | |
| I have one here. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'll show you. | |
| It's pretty awesome. | ||
| I have a Hennessy one that has a thousand horsepower. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's America. | ||
| That is pretty sick. | ||
| Remember when we were in this fucking Tesla? | ||
| I don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| America's obviously the best. | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| Yeah, I remember being that thing to drive around that Nazi-mobile. | ||
| You need a goddamn American car. | ||
| That's it, right there. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| How's American cars? | ||
| Are we good at making cars now? | ||
| That thing's the shit. | ||
| I love that thing. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I drive that all the time. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Pickup will be nice, actually. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Pickup trucks get wildly expensive. | ||
| Speaking of Nazi-mobiles, I went and saw a Nazi movie by myself. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Saturday night. | ||
| Zone of Interest? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I don't know, it's about Auschwitz. | ||
| I heard this is awesome. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| Where they live next to the concentration camp? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing happens. | |
| It's just an ongoing, like you're uncomfortable the whole time. | ||
| But I did go see it by myself, which is a weird, because like the movie people, I saw it at Drafthouse, so you have like a waiter, and the whole time they're like, are you sh- Shane, hey, what's going on? | ||
| I was like, yeah, I'm just here watching Nazis alone. | ||
| Doing exactly what you thought I'd do on a Saturday night. | ||
| That's on brand. | ||
| It's very uncomfortable. | ||
| You watching this movie by yourself is on brand. | ||
| I enjoyed it, but it's... | ||
| Yeah, they're right next to a concentration camp. | ||
| Yeah, they're at Auschwitz. | ||
| He's the... | ||
| Oh, and they're living good? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Nothing happens, though. | ||
| It's just unsettling for two hours. | ||
| It's a cool idea. | ||
| Look at the building they're in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Feeling you deserve the best in life. | ||
| The wildest thing that most people don't know about the Nazis is how many we brought over here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Operation Paperclip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Get them in here. | ||
| Isn't Venezuela one of those countries? | ||
| They have a ton of Nazis in Argentina. | ||
| They have cities in Argentina where everybody's white. | ||
| Everybody speaks German. | ||
| Argentina's entire soccer team is white dudes. | ||
| That's fucking wild. | ||
| Bro, what do you got? | ||
| I was talking to someone one time. | ||
| I guess it is far enough south that you would be white, right? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But also, there's a lot of Nazis went to Argentina. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Tim Kennedy had that TV show, Finding Hitler. | ||
| There's this conspiracy theory that Hitler moved to Argentina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What is this, Jamie? | ||
| Oh, they were, uh, the ratlines were systems of escape routes for German Nazis and other fascists fleeing Europe from 1945 onward in the aftermath of World War II. These escape routes mainly led towards havens in Latin America, particularly Argentina, but also Paraguay and Colombia, Brazil, Uruguay, Mexico, Chile, Peru, Guatemala, Ecuador, and Bolivia, as well as the United States, Canada, Australia, Spain, and Switzerland. | ||
| But a lot of them in Argentina. | ||
| And the Catholic Church helped them. | ||
| Yeah, they had this whole thing about it where they went to these towns. | ||
| They're wearing lederhosen. | ||
| Starting in 1947, some U.S. What does it say? | ||
| The rat lines are supported by clergy of the Catholic Church. | ||
| Starting in 1947, some U.S. Citation page needed. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| I mean, it was a humanitarian. | ||
| It actually is humanitarian. | ||
| They loved everybody. | ||
| Starting in 1947, some U.S. intelligence officers utilized existing rat lines to move certain Nazi strategists and scientists. | ||
| Yeah, like Wernher von Braun, the head of NASA. Yeah. | ||
| Full-on Nazi. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Now that he's a Nazi. | ||
| Don't hang him. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| Let's get our fucking, let's figure out space exploration. | ||
| Yeah, the juice of lemon. | ||
| Then he'll die. | ||
| Juice of lemon. | ||
| Well, they also were competing because a bunch of them went to Russia as well. | ||
| Ah, I see. | ||
| So Russia had some scientists, we had some other ones. | ||
| Yeah, they can't have all the good Nazis. | ||
| We need some of the good Nazis. | ||
| You can look past a few things if you need to get a missile quicker. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, you have to. | ||
| You literally have to. | ||
| If these are the only guys that are making rockets. | ||
| Goddamn, can you imagine if they got the bomb first? | ||
| The Soviets got it? | ||
| It would be rough. | ||
| It would be negative. | ||
| We would have invaded Mexico. | ||
| And the Soviet Union would be funding us right now. | ||
| We're funding Mexico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They made UFOs and stuff. | |
| Oh yeah, they made flying saucers. | ||
| Yeah, see this is the type of shit I don't... | ||
| All this stuff, it's like, bro, they were struggling. | ||
| Well, they also had a deep connection to the occult. | ||
| I know, but it's like... | ||
| A lot of weird occult shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| The Nazis. | ||
| Yeah, because they were going to kill themselves. | ||
| There was a suicide. | ||
| Well, I think there was also a lot of, like, evil sentiment. | ||
| They were trying to win, you know? | ||
| And they were trying to... | ||
| There was a lot of weird shit. | ||
| Like, I don't want to... | ||
| I don't really know much about the Nazi occult thing, but I know it's very well documented. | ||
| They're heavily into the occult. | ||
| To me, it seems a little... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We attribute the most evil shit ever to them. | ||
| I think they were just a really, really shitty country that was fucking everything up. | ||
| Like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think we need to add, like, they were Satanists. | ||
| Well, they were definitely into a cult. | ||
| I mean, there's other countries that did horrible shit, too. | ||
| Just what the Japanese did to the Chinese in the Rape of Nanking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You read about some of that stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's just surprising to hear, like, they were doing what? | ||
| Horrific shit. | ||
| And the science experiments they would do. | ||
| They'd give people blood transfusions from various animals, and they'd cut off limbs and reattach them. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying stuff. | ||
| They were trying shit out on prisoners. | ||
| They were trying to figure it out. | ||
| No, there's a lot of scientific and medical innovation that came out of that, unfortunately. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What medical innovation came out of the Nazi experiments? | ||
| I think they, like, learned some things, unfortunately. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Simon's? | |
| What's the company? | ||
| Bayern? | ||
| Bayer? | ||
| Bayer's out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Bayer did it. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Bayer's getting rowdy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They tried some medication out on, like, 150 people. | ||
| Wasn't it, like, something like that? | ||
| They all died. | ||
| Joseph Mingle was the guy I think you're talking about. | ||
| Mangalow is doing all the time. | ||
| Yeah, he did a lot of science experiments. | ||
| He loved twins. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Twins? | ||
| Twin experiments? | ||
| Yeah, he'd be like, if I fucking cut this twin's head off, how are you feeling? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You fucking idiot. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Dude, they didn't even know about germs. | ||
| There was the one guy who blew the whistle. | ||
| I forget the guy's name. | ||
| They were Germans. | ||
| Of course they did. | ||
| The Nazis knew about germs, but the guy who like discovered them there was a Hospital attached to where they delivered they were like a morgue and then they had where they're delivering babies So they would like put down a dead body and then just catch a baby out of a woman's vagina and like Women were all dying and he was telling the doctors like you guys got to wash There's something on those dead bodies that's getting into women's like vaginas They're all like, dude, we're doctors. | ||
| Our hands are clean. | ||
| We're gentlemen. | ||
| And then the guy eventually went nuts, and then a few years later, they're like, oh, fuck, he was right. | ||
| Because he was washing his hands, and the mortality rate went down. | ||
| Yeah, who was that? | ||
| Fuck, I forget his name. | ||
| That was way before World War II. Way, way, way before. | ||
| Well, in World War I, Fritz Haber figured out how to make gas, to kill people with gas. | ||
| And he's the same guy who figured out how to pull nitrogen out of the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So at the same time, this guy is being wanted for war crimes. | ||
| At the same time as being nominated for the Nobel Prize. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the Nobels are all weird, too. | ||
| They were like dynamite makers and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, because the guy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
who told... | |
| Peter Berg told me about that. | ||
| So the guy died, and they thought he died. | ||
| There was a fake story about him dying. | ||
| And they called him, like, the Merchant of Death. | ||
| And he's like, oh, jeez, I gotta change my reputation. | ||
| So he started giving out prizes. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| The Nobel Prize comes from that. | ||
| He huck finned his funeral. | ||
| And they were like, this guy is a fucking asshole. | ||
| Nuh-uh. | ||
| He's like, I'm pretty nice. | ||
| He started that whole thing up. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He started the Nobel Prize trying to cover his tracks. | ||
| True, yeah. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| Everyone's like, he must be the nicest, smartest scientist ever. | ||
| Nobody even knows about the whole dynamite thing anymore. | ||
| Nobody does. | ||
| It never gets brought up. | ||
| It's like, oh, the Nobel Prize. | ||
| How prestigious. | ||
| Did you ever get into the guy who invented diesel? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a book about him. | ||
| His shit's wild, dude. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| His name, it was like Rudolph Diesel. | ||
| He came up with the diesel engine. | ||
| And it was like, apparently it helped. | ||
| He wanted to like, make a small, reliable engine so like, people in rural areas could compete with like, cities and people could live in a farm and still like, produce stuff and not have to like, live in like, fucked up London, smoggy city. | ||
| And governments were like, yeah, we're building fucking weapons to death of these things. | ||
| And like, it turned out to be like a, it was a wild invention. | ||
| Nothing could burn stuff as efficiently before. | ||
| It would capture like 25% of the fuel. | ||
| Diesel was like 70% capture in terms of output. | ||
| It was completely revolutionary. | ||
| It was just found drowned. | ||
| Oh, they killed him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was like the kid, Wilhelm, I think, was after him. | ||
| He made all these governments. | ||
| Damn, 1913. Just in time. | ||
| The Rockefellers as well. | ||
| Just in time for the worst thing ever. | ||
| He disappeared from the steamship Dresden while traveling from Antwerp, Belgium, to Harwich, England. | ||
| On October 10, a Belgian sailor aboard a northeast steamer spotted a body floating in the water. | ||
| Upon further investigation, it turned out the body was Diesel's. | ||
| There was and remains a great deal of mystery surrounding his death. | ||
| It was officially judged as suicide, but many people believed and still believe that Diesel was murdered. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| He had the Rockefellers after him, too, because they didn't want to... | ||
| I said, like, I looked at it and go, oh, it's the History Channel. | ||
| It's got to be legit. | ||
| Then I realized that's Ancient Aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The History Channel is basically the Ancient Aliens network now. | |
| Dude, I believe that. | ||
| We're done with facts. | ||
| We're done with facts. | ||
| Isn't history Finding Bigfoot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Probably. | ||
| Ancient Aliens had me for a while. | ||
| Ancient Aliens carrying that network. | ||
| It's a fun show to watch. | ||
| It's constantly on. | ||
| Remember, what's his fucking name? | ||
| Action Bronson. | ||
| He would get baked. | ||
| That show was incredible. | ||
| Getting baked, watching Ancient Aliens. | ||
| That was a really great show. | ||
| That was, for real, like a genius idea. | ||
| Brilliant idea! | ||
| That's actually not. | ||
| I thought it was. | ||
| No, of course it is. | ||
| It is, but I'm saying... | ||
| It's pretty simple. | ||
| It's like, we should film this. | ||
| They were definitely getting high watching Ancient Aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is just so funny. | ||
| And they were like, set up a camera. | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
| It's just such a good idea, because it requires nothing. | ||
| They would just walk around high. | ||
| Yeah, they would fuck around. | ||
| While Ancient Aliens were there. | ||
| And it's hilarious. | ||
| It's one of the better shows. | ||
| Solid show. | ||
| Should've won an Emmy. | ||
| Should've. | ||
| Fucking criminals. | ||
| True. | ||
| I bet I wasn't even nominated. | ||
| True. | ||
| Oh, you had Bronson on this. | ||
| Yeah, a couple times. | ||
| Yeah, he's awesome. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| I lived in Queens. | ||
| I wanted to see him. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Turns out Queens is big and you don't see everyone. | ||
| That guy fucking, you know, he turned his whole life around. | ||
| Had a kid and realized, I'm fat. | ||
| I gotta get in shape. | ||
| And now he's like super stout. | ||
| He Paul Wald. | ||
| Works out hard, man. | ||
| He works out hard. | ||
| He Paul Wald? | ||
| Paul Wald did the same thing. | ||
| Oh, he used to be big, right? | ||
| Yeah, he got in shape as well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Turn his life around. | ||
| You ever thought about rocking a grill, Matt? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| You've been talking about this. | ||
| You've been talking about this. | ||
| I think we get grills to protect our parks. | ||
| I think, obviously, that's the move, dude. | ||
| It'd be so hard to take him out. | ||
| It'd be really hard to talk. | ||
| I'll never take him out. | ||
| You should be just talking like this. | ||
| I wanted to play. | ||
| You ever heard guys with grills talk? | ||
| It's a rough one. | ||
| Paul Wall knows how to do it, but he's had a grill in his mouth for 30 years. | ||
| My whole life, yeah. | ||
| I want to get the fangs. | ||
| I want to get the riff-raff fangs. | ||
| It's kind of classy, bro. | ||
| If you don't pig out on the grill. | ||
| Come on, like that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is nice, man. | ||
| It's crazy how much he looks like Mike Rainey. | ||
| We need to call Johnny Dang. | ||
| That dude is always smiling. | ||
| If he's depressed, I'll be so sad. | ||
| Because he's always smiling. | ||
| He's got to show you that grill. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He's got to show you what to do. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| What to do, baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powwow. | |
| Powwow. | ||
| Southern rap rules. | ||
| So fucking tight, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He still raps, too, apparently. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think he's with Mexican OT and the guy we listened to on the way over here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The plug. | ||
| Big X, the plug. | ||
| The plug. | ||
| Shit rocks. | ||
| Joe, you'd like that. | ||
| Do you think you'd wear a grill? | ||
| I would. | ||
| I swear to God, I will. | ||
| Now, obviously I'm not gonna wear it anywhere other than here. | ||
| Do you think Bud Light would have an issue with you rocking a grill? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I might get a phone call and I go, hey. | ||
| This is not on brand. | ||
| No, they got fucking Post Malone. | ||
| I can kind of do anything. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| They got Post Malone. | ||
| That's what I always think. | ||
| I'm like, man, maybe I shouldn't do this. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, they got Post Malone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why they want you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wildcard. | ||
| Say, guys, let me fucking work. | ||
| I'm gonna do what I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna talk about Nazis. | |
| They go, please don't. | ||
| That was my favorite part of the Budweiser tour. | ||
| We're in there and they're like showing the labels from every year in the United States. | ||
| And then 1930 came around and it was like, perfect English, Budweiser. | ||
| It used to be like German, like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| 1933, they're like, Budweiser, American Budweiser, the beer, American. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anheuser Busch owned the rights to all the diesel engines in America. | ||
| But those are good Americans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, let's go, dude. | ||
| Anheuser Busch rules. | ||
| He owns all the rights. | ||
| The guy, what is it, fucking, not, uh, Adolphus Busch, whatever, like the OG. Adolphus Busch. | ||
| Adolphus, by the way. | ||
| Adolphus, exactly. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Full name. | ||
| Super American. | ||
| No, that's a good American story. | ||
| He went over, he met the diesel guy, and he was like, How dare you, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a great American story. | |
| He would rent hotels and just rent the whole thing out and just hand everyone like $10, $10, $10. | ||
| Met up with Diesel and was like, how much do you want for the rights to this engine? | ||
| Diesel's, people would charge, it was like 800,000 francs. | ||
| He looked at Bush and was like, 2 million francs. | ||
| And he was like, no problem, player. | ||
| Wrote him the check. | ||
| And he used to break, he would write them letters. | ||
| It took forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It took forever to like... | |
| It didn't work right away. | ||
| He was like, all these guys fronted him a ton of money, and it just wasn't working. | ||
| So he'd get mad letters from people being like, what is this? | ||
| And Bush would break his balls. | ||
| He'd send him letters and be like, dude, come on, man. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Just fucking with him. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| He was the bro. | ||
| That reminds me of Ulysses S. Grant when he was like selling his biography. | ||
| I think he sold it to like just two guys on a train for like 10 bucks. | ||
| And Mark Twain found out about it and was like, no, you fucking loser. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Obviously Grant was, he was hitting the fucking Budweiser. | ||
| He was hitting the stogies in fucking liquor. | ||
| He was drinking responsibly. | ||
| He was extremely responsible. | ||
| That's one of his legends. | ||
| I think he sold his biography on like a train for like 10 bucks while he was responsible. | ||
| I mean, it's gotta be pumped. | ||
| It was his first book. | ||
| Anyone gives you anything that you write, you're like, really? | ||
| I swear to God it was Mark Twain that was like, no. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You saved America. | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| Has anybody started taking down Ulysses as Grant statues yet? | ||
| They fucking better take it. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No, he was the bro. | ||
| His story... | ||
| He was good, right? | ||
| They've taken down Thomas Jefferson. | ||
| They took down T.J. Yeah, but Jefferson was... | ||
| He had him. | ||
| He was up to no good. | ||
| He had him. | ||
| Ulysses didn't have him. | ||
| Ulysses owned slaves? | ||
| No, no, hold on. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but he... | ||
| While he was dead broke at the lowest point of his life, he freed his slaves, and even his slaves were like, bro, you should... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You can sell us. | ||
| And he was like, nah, bros. | ||
| Actually, there's no way they said that, but they were like, thank you. | ||
| So he freed them when he was poor. | ||
| While he was poor, he gave away his slave. | ||
| He came from a family that was abolitionists, and then he married into a family that had slaves. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he would go out and work with his slave, and people would see him and be like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He was kind of a weirdo. | ||
| But he freed his slaves while he was poor. | ||
| Imagine there was a time where it was debatable whether or not it's cool to have slaves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| And some people are like, no. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're reading over the Century Company's contract that needed to be signed before publication. | ||
| Grant was ready to pick up his pen and sign the contract when Twain asked if he could read it before any signature was made. | ||
| Twain reviewed the contract and believed the 10% royalty being offered was too low and even exploitative. | ||
| Twain tried to convince Grant that he could give him a better deal, which would provide Grant with more money. | ||
| Grant was reluctant to back out of the contract that he and the publishers had negotiated. | ||
| He believed it would be dishonorable to back out after giving his word. | ||
| Twain tried to convince Grant that he should investigate a different publisher. | ||
| For example, American Publishing Company had published many of Twain's books and the company be able to bring in more profit than the Century Company. | ||
| Grant was still resistant to the advice when Fred suggested that the contract be set aside while they investigated the facts behind Twain's advice. | ||
| Grant felt loyalty towards the Century Company because of the work that he had done with the company while he was writing his articles on the Civil War battles. | ||
| Grant did agree, however, to listen to Fred and the contract was set aside for 24 hours. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Twain told Grant that by selling the book through a subscription system, the book would produce thousands of dollars in sales. | ||
| Door to door salesmen, often Civil War veterans, would promote the book and get potential readers to place an order prior to publication. | ||
| Back in the day, that was like the new mixtape. | ||
| It saved Grant. | ||
| Grant was poor, and then all those sales made him rich. | ||
| But he died right away. | ||
| Yeah, those dudes used to speak, too. | ||
| Right after he wrote it, yeah. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Probably celebrated with booze. | ||
| No, no, it was the Stogies, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, was it? | |
| He was always smoking a cigar. | ||
| He died, yeah. | ||
| Cancer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was smoking like 50. How much was a day? | ||
| It was like 50 a day, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
50? | |
| Something like that. | ||
| 25... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Definitely. | |
| Yeah, it's a crazy number. | ||
| Sounds like Ron White. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Puts him down? | ||
| Puts him down. | ||
| Puts those little cigarillos down. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He gets you hooked on those things. | ||
| Those cigarillos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're so easy. | ||
| Do you inhale those like cigarettes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can. | |
| Are they cigars, really? | ||
| You can. | ||
| Remember Beatties? | ||
| Beatties? | ||
| Beatties were a little thing. | ||
| When we were younger, they sold them in like gas stations and they were like, I don't know, they were like cigarettes, but they looked like cigarettes, but they were smaller. | ||
| And they were the harshest fucking things in the world. | ||
| I got black and milds for a while. | ||
| Wine, wood tip, black and milds. | ||
| I was inhaling the fuck out of those. | ||
| I got so sick. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Those things are crazy. | ||
| Get some of those in the woods when you were 10, dude. | ||
| So where are they from? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe like in India kind of thing? | ||
| It looks like India. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You and your bros, you're like 10, 12 years old in the woods with some beaties, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was nice. | |
| Health risks and how to quit. | ||
| They're not a safer alternative to traditional cigarettes. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| You can smoke these, though, as a little cigar. | ||
| Oh, that's kind of nice if you want a little short. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I like them for. | ||
| That's enough to sit down on a cigar for like half an hour. | ||
| It's kind of tight. | ||
| Yeah, you know how to a wedding where you have to pretend to like cigars? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you go, God damn, I'm missing the whole wedding. | ||
| It's 45 minutes. | ||
| Shouts on, I gotta get in there. | ||
| Can't smoke a cigar with my uncles. | ||
| These guys stink. | ||
| Smoking bats. | ||
| Yeah, we went down and we smoked a couple of bats. | ||
| Smoked a couple of bats, boys. | ||
| Sober guys love smoking bats. | ||
| Oh, they do. | ||
| Because it's the one rush they can get. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can handle this. | ||
| I love smoking a stogie like a man. | ||
| Big cup of coffee. | ||
| Desperate to get fucked up. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Take a Xanax, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| Those things are terrible, dude. | ||
| Those things are awful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever hear about the new snake venom thing people are doing? | ||
| Where you're like, it's called like Kambu. | ||
| Where you go and they give, I don't know if it's like you ingest a snake venom and like your eyes puff up and you start throwing up and shitting everywhere. | ||
| Sounds fun. | ||
| You don't get high from it at all. | ||
| You just get violently sick? | ||
| But afterwards, apparently, you just feel like totally cleaned out or I don't know what it is. | ||
| Yeah, once you're not sick. | ||
| No, I swear to God. | ||
| They say like it kills yeast, like candida stuff in your body. | ||
| Who says heavy metals? | ||
| Who says that? | ||
| My brother, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swim? | |
| In certain cultures that don't have psychedelics, the rites of passage oftentimes are what's called an ordeal poison. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ordeal poison is like something you go through. | ||
| It's like some horrific thing that poisons you. | ||
| And then when you're over, like, thank God that's over. | ||
| You feel good because you just had a near-death experience. | ||
| That makes sense, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It tricks your brain into thinking you're dying, probably. | ||
| You'd probably release all these amazing chemicals to make you realize you should have been a better person. | ||
| I could have been so much nicer! | ||
| Shit! | ||
| I'll tell you what, I tried an LSD microdose recently. | ||
| I like the psilocybin better, man. | ||
| The LSD microdose just is relentless. | ||
| It's constant. | ||
| It's for like six straight hours. | ||
| You feel like liquidy. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It wasn't awful, but I remember just being like, this is just never fucking ended. | ||
| They gotta just hurry up and make all that stuff legal. | ||
| They gotta, man. | ||
| Cut the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have to. | |
| Stop buying it from people making it in bathtubs with the Grateful Dead t-shirt on. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| So sketchy. | ||
| I got this straight from the family, bro. | ||
| I was telling Matt, I had some bathtub fucking mushrooms yesterday. | ||
| Dude, yesterday, dude. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| No, I've never had mushrooms. | ||
| So it was like a chocolate bar. | ||
| It was like, all right. | ||
| They were like, four blocks is a gram. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I was like, alright. | ||
| I'll have one fucking block. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| I was high in 15 minutes. | ||
| It was that fast. | ||
| Dude, they have these analogs. | ||
| That's not mushrooms, dude. | ||
| They have synthetics they're making now. | ||
| Well, it's just they're not making them in the same places where they make aspirin. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Who knows who the fuck is making these things? | ||
| That's what I'm saying, dude. | ||
| Even with the weed edibles, dude, they can get gummies and get a distillate of synthetic cannabinoids and shh, shh, shh. | ||
| You're just eating like K2 or something. | ||
| Well, you're definitely... | ||
| They're not regular. | ||
| Like, you get a 200 milligram once and it's fine, and then you get a 200 milligram and you're on Pluto. | ||
| Like, this is not the same. | ||
| I don't think anybody's doing independent third-party testing of weed gummies. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| No, the third-party testing is watching the other guy first. | ||
| Who just ate him. | ||
| And they go, alright, he's fine. | ||
| You've never seen anybody eat gummies like Joey Diaz. | ||
| I was with him on a plane once. | ||
| He had a panic attack in the middle of the flight. | ||
| And he told me, he goes, I had a panic attack in the middle of the flight. | ||
| And he goes, but now I'm back! | ||
| And he pops two more. | ||
| 250 milligrams each. | ||
| Two stars of death. | ||
| How? | ||
| He just does it. | ||
| He likes being scared. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| When you're around him and you're scared too, it's fun. | ||
| That is kind of fun. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| You guys, both you guys like being scared. | ||
| No, the best is when the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate it. | |
| The weed edible, when it breaks, it's the best fucking feeling. | ||
| Yeah, when you're done? | ||
| Yeah, but it's like... | ||
| Yeah, but what's the point of that? | ||
| The release. | ||
| When you're just back to how you were earlier? | ||
| Yeah, because it's like mundane reality. | ||
| You're like, mm-hmm. | ||
| You eat weed edibles, and you're like, ah! | ||
| And then you get the release, and you're like, thank God. | ||
| Yeah, you're back. | ||
| Finally grateful for once in my pathetic, shitty life. | ||
| Yeah, it's a little reality check. | ||
| It also makes you really thankful that you're alive. | ||
| I understand that, but people are, like, I'm not, like, they're smoking weed at, like, parties. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I don't want to have that experience while I'm in public. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| And then come back, like, during the party, like... | ||
| Just hang in there, Shane. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| I get high a lot. | ||
| I got high last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just get high all the time. | |
| My thing is, you're going to hang in there. | ||
| A different part of your mind where you go, like, Yeah, but what if I didn't give in to this weird thought loop, and then you don't give in to it for three seconds. | ||
| I did that, so last night, we left the comedy club, we were out at a bar. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe how strong that mushroom was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day. | ||
| I went, I ate a gyro in the cold by myself, by a windy bench, just like... | ||
| I literally got up from the table while we were all drinking and I was like, I gotta go outside. | ||
| I left for 45 minutes. | ||
| And then I came back. | ||
| I fought it. | ||
| I was like, while I was eating the Hero, I was like, I gotta stop. | ||
| Why am I being a pussy right now? | ||
| I'm gonna plow through this. | ||
| That's another fucking food choice. | ||
| I'm gonna drink my way out of this. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Adolphus was like, yes, Shane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Adolphus was like, no. | |
| Don't let the mushrooms consume you. | ||
| Power through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, Adolphus. | |
| Euro's a solid choice. | ||
| That is a great... | ||
| It was big. | ||
| Also, it was very funny. | ||
| So I left the bar, and I was high on mushrooms enough to be like, how do I get food? | ||
| And then I was like, man, that's so pathetic. | ||
| I'm in a city, and I'm like... | ||
| Food. | ||
| How do you find food? | ||
| And then there was a flashing gyro light on it. | ||
| Like, it was one of those street vendors. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that's what those lights are for, is for dumbasses that are like, food, food! | ||
| Like a flashing light. | ||
| That's exactly what they're for. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, it's a bug light for a guy like me. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's a bug light. | ||
| It is a bug light. | ||
| It's a total bug light. | ||
| I went and got zapped, dude. | ||
| It was cold as fucking windy last night. | ||
| And then I was like, it also sucks now, people know who I am a little, so like, the next guy was like, looking at me, I'm in the cold by myself. | ||
| Bro, this is a reoccurring theme. | ||
| People at the movie theater see you by yourself. | ||
| That was rough. | ||
| Yeah, I like being by myself, but when someone sees me... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you realize that? | |
| Now you're getting famous. | ||
| You realize that's a bit of an issue, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's uncomfortable. | ||
| I don't like it at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Go in disguise. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know how hard it is for me to disguise? | |
| Dude, people can see me from my lurched-over walk. | ||
| Sitting on a bench by myself eating a sandwich. | ||
| I just love that mustache. | ||
| That mustache is macked. | ||
| It's so nice. | ||
| Well, mushrooms now, people are really getting into the genetics of them. | ||
| Like, they're ramping the strength of those things up. | ||
| Well, there's some different strains. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Pansyans and all that shit. | ||
| They're fucking wild, man. | ||
| And now it could be like, you can eat a gram of mushrooms, it could be a regular gram of mushrooms, or it can be eight times stronger. | ||
| So it's like... | ||
| Well, this town is filled with those psychedelic adventurer characters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a lot of those here. | ||
| I got hit, literally, last night. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of those here. | ||
| I thought that was going to be an easy, nice evening. | ||
| There's synthetics, too, now. | ||
| So, like, if you're running, like, a giant op where you're selling all these, like, your grow might get fucked up. | ||
| You can order a chemical offline. | ||
| Totally legal. | ||
| You can order those offline. | ||
| All you gotta do is say, research purposes, yes. | ||
| And you can get this powder that's, like, similar to mushrooms. | ||
| You can just put that into chocolates and... | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Is it psilocybin? | ||
| It's a psilocybin analogs, maybe, so it's close. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And you could put that in your stuff that you're selling people? | ||
| I'm sure you could. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| How dirty. | ||
| You've got to think about it. | ||
| That's the problem with it being illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You're not buying it from Budweiser. | ||
| Anheuser-Busch sold their own mushrooms. | ||
| Mushroom light. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Anheuser-Busch. | ||
| Come on now. | ||
| A mushroom light. | ||
| Brother. | ||
| How good would it be? | ||
| We would be Vikings, dude. | ||
| We would be kings. | ||
| Nothing could stop us. | ||
| Maybe it would change the whole culture of the country. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| If people just like ubiquitous mushroom use across the entire... | ||
| There'd be a lot to figure out. | ||
| There'd be a lot of mistakes. | ||
| Where's food? | ||
| It wouldn't be smooth. | ||
| It would take a long time. | ||
| Where's food is number one. | ||
| Food. | ||
| People would make some dope food on mushrooms. | ||
| I bet the pizza you make on mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not even that hungry when you're on mushrooms. | |
| I'm picturing you out there in your backyard with your pizza oven with your fucking ladle on mushrooms laying down the basil. | ||
| The dough would be impossible. | ||
| Oh, you buy it. | ||
| You buy it made. | ||
| You buy the dough. | ||
| Yeah, you buy the whole thing. | ||
| You buy DiGiorno. | ||
| You take mushrooms and then you buy the whole thing. | ||
| And you make La Mer make it. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| You want to know the best part about how La Mer makes DiGiorno? | ||
| How? | ||
| He doesn't time it. | ||
| He's like we're about three YouTube videos away Behind me like how long since YouTube video we're about two more YouTube videos away from the smell probably go off The smell was strong and I was I was like are you sure? | ||
| This is our one DiGiorno in the house. | ||
| If this fucks up, we're fucked. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Jamie, what is the best frozen pizza? | ||
| There's got to be like a fucking Mercedes of frozen pizzas. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| You can get some local ones in the cities you're at because they'll make take-and-bakes. | ||
| There's like mom's bake-at-home pizza. | ||
| That's a big change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's nice. | |
| But a local one is the move. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| You get like just the actual pizza that they serve you. | ||
| They do deep dish, yeah. | ||
| Chicago does like deep dish, all those places. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| Take home. | ||
| That's a fucking move. | ||
| You're actually making the real pizza. | ||
| Again, you don't need pizza in your house. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Because you're going to eat it. | ||
| You're going to eat it day one. | ||
| One night we went over Rapolo's next to the club. | ||
| We got like fucking ten giant pizzas, the big giant ones, and just gave them to everybody at the bar. | ||
| Pizza rocks. | ||
| Oh, so fast. | ||
| I knew I was eating garbage. | ||
| I knew it was terrible for me. | ||
| I loved every second of it. | ||
| And I powered through. | ||
| I was fine. | ||
| I know it's not good for me. | ||
| But it's good for me. | ||
| It's good for the soul, occasionally. | ||
| Let loose, yeah. | ||
| Good for the soul. | ||
| 80-20 rule. | ||
| 20% junk, 80% clean. | ||
| Matthew, can you hit me a Bud Light? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You need some bullshit carbs in your life. | ||
| Yeah, it's like the snake venom, dude. | ||
| Whatever they call that thing. | ||
| Every now and then you want some bullshit carbs in your life. | ||
| You want a fucking big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Give it to me. | ||
| Give me, give me, give me. | ||
| I gotta get like pulled off, dude. | ||
| Homemade spaghetti. | ||
| I gotta like pulled off the pot. | ||
| I'll put myself in a coma. | ||
| I can't stop going back. | ||
| With a good sundae sauce. | ||
| You know, when they fucking got that sauce cooking all day, just bubbling up on the stove, and the smells, and all the oils are on the top, and you gotta stir it, and you see the sausage in there, and the barjol, and meatballs. | ||
| Oh, baby. | ||
| I never, never... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Baby. | |
| My mom cooks like a fucking moron. | ||
| We were jarred sauce. | ||
| Yeah, we were jarred sauce in the household. | ||
| My grandmother made everything from scratch. | ||
| The sauce, the pasta. | ||
| She'd be on the kitchen table with the flour and the rolling pin. | ||
| My grandma was mean. | ||
| Mine wasn't nice either. | ||
| She didn't cook anything. | ||
| Irish houses are canned sauce. | ||
| Irish houses are, yeah. | ||
| Smooth canned sauce. | ||
| That's that. | ||
| Spaghetti's cooked in five seconds and then you just ground beef. | ||
| You get wet lasagna. | ||
| The lasagna's soaking wet. | ||
| The last piece is in a puddle. | ||
| It falls apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is this? | ||
| Our meatballs, my mom would just take hamburger meat. | ||
| You're supposed to like veal pork. | ||
| It was just a burger. | ||
| And then she would put breadcrumbs in it, too. | ||
| She was like, that's how my dad liked them. | ||
| So she would just cram like a fucking baseball-sized burger. | ||
| That's good, though. | ||
| That's good, dude. | ||
| Drop it into canned sauce. | ||
| And we were like, yes. | ||
| This shit rules. | ||
| I know I've been talking about it a lot with you. | ||
| Hamburger Helper. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Hamburger Helper's delicious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Fucking delicious. | ||
| I gotta have Hamburger Helper soon. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| Maybe tonight. | ||
| Maybe me and Lamezi will... | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Have you drunk a solid chili? | ||
| Like a real chili? | ||
| Yeah, chili. | ||
| Oh, like a real one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| And by the way, I like beans. | ||
| Beans rule. | ||
| Chili with beans is a good move. | ||
| What are you shaking your head at, Jamie? | ||
| Over here, they say chili doesn't have beans. | ||
| I don't fuck with beans, really, but I'll eat them in chili. | ||
| I don't fuck with beans either, but in chili, I'll eat them. | ||
| The texture, they're like powdery. | ||
| Beans rule. | ||
| With fucking peppers and the tomatoes in there. | ||
| Chili, I'll eat them in chili. | ||
| I like them in chili. | ||
| I like them in chili. | ||
| I like them in chili, but... | ||
| A solid chili? | ||
| Baked beans? | ||
| Fuck no, dude. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| I lived off judgment. | ||
| I was eating baked beans as my only meal for several years. | ||
| You're eating like the Dennis the Menace bad guy, dude. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| With barbecue? | ||
| Like little baked beans with barbecue? | ||
| I don't fuck with beans either, man. | ||
| I'm... | ||
| Only in chili, or in soup. | ||
| I don't like beans at a Mexican place. | ||
| Matt, this is crap, what you're saying. | ||
| It's true, I don't like the powdery texture. | ||
| It's a nice texture. | ||
| What do you like, something more smooth and viscous? | ||
| Viscous. | ||
| Eww. | ||
| Salty. | ||
| I know what you like. | ||
| Like clams and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nut. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Nut. | ||
| Oysters. | ||
| I love eating nut. | ||
| Yeah, I bet nut, if I was into it, I bet nut's fucking good. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| If you're really interested in it. | ||
| Yeah, especially if you get into it, you know, different, like, years, different types of dudes. | ||
| If I had one pasta, it would be linguine with white clam sauce. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Done well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When it's done really well. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's gonna be fucking good. | ||
| Oh, it's good. | ||
| Italian food is so good. | ||
| They do a lot, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do a lot. | |
| They make cars good. | ||
| They look good. | ||
| They don't run good. | ||
| They look good. | ||
| They break a lot. | ||
| They look good. | ||
| They're good at paintings, good at sculptures, good at food. | ||
| Not good at handling a wave of an upper respiratory infection, though. | ||
| Italy got fucking crushed. | ||
| They scared the fuck out of the whole world, too. | ||
| Everybody's like, oh my god, that's coming to us? | ||
| They're all in their apartments, singing out the windows. | ||
| They got fucking annihilated. | ||
| Yelling at people to go outside? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were the first to lock people down, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| Well, they said it was in the Fashion Week, I think. | ||
| They had people come in from China and stuff in the Fashion Week. | ||
| You've got an entire population that never has seen a vitamin. | ||
| They're drinking wine every day. | ||
| They all smoke cigarettes. | ||
| They're eating nothing but lasagna. | ||
| They're eating pasta. | ||
| By the way, they're a lot thinner than us, though. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| There's such carb-heavy food over there, and they look great. | ||
| Yeah, but they don't munch like us. | ||
| Even in Spain. | ||
| I was in Spain. | ||
| Everything you eat is Mediterranean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The portions and shit, yeah. | |
| Yeah, they take it easy. | ||
| I was over there at the house and shit. | ||
| What do you think it is? | ||
| You think we're just gluttons? | ||
| Is that what a lot of it is? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| On this guy that's Tucker Carlson thing, they were saying, this scientist that he had on, or this guy that he had on that used to work for the pharmacy, was saying that 10% of all food stamps, the number one thing that people buy with food stamps is soda. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a good fact. | ||
| Well, soda's so good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| I really don't drink it ever. | ||
| I don't either, but an ice cold Coca-Cola on ice? | ||
| Like a real Coke. | ||
| Burger, fries, Coke. | ||
| Oh, a real Coke. | ||
| Root beer. | ||
| Not a Diet Coke. | ||
| I love Diet Coke, just for the flavor. | ||
| But I feel fine when I drink a Diet Coke. | ||
| It never makes me feel weird. | ||
| When I drink a Coke, my body's like, what are you doing? | ||
| Dude, there's a lot of people who, for real, don't understand how sugar works at all. | ||
| I used to work with guys that would put 12 sugars in their coffee. | ||
| And then I'd be like, dude, you're going to get diabetes. | ||
| And they're like, it runs in my family. | ||
| If I'm going to get it, I'm going to get it. | ||
| And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| There's two types of it, bro. | ||
| I'm like, you're going to get it. | ||
| You're going to have that. | ||
| If you put 12 sugars every day in your coffee, he's like, bro, if it comes from me, it comes from me. | ||
| I'm like, no, man. | ||
| Well, that was one of the number one reasons why people died of COVID. Findings show that number one purchased by Snap Households are soft drinks, which accounted for 5% of the dollars they spent on food. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay, so this guy was saying it was 10%, but apparently this is saying that it's 5%. | ||
| It might have changed, but people drink a lot of fucking soda. | ||
| This is 2016. It said that down there. | ||
| 2017. I mean, I'm sure it's more. | ||
| Look, it's so goddamn addictive. | ||
| I get it, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're on food stamps... | |
| Let it ride, bro. | ||
| Why would I drink water right now? | ||
| You don't want to get out of there. | ||
| You don't want to be on food stamps forever. | ||
| Drink water. | ||
| It's cheaper. | ||
| You know a good way to get off food stamps? | ||
| Eat food. | ||
| What? | ||
| Get a job? | ||
| No. | ||
| What? | ||
| Ascend to the next life. | ||
| Oh, that's it? | ||
| That's the only way? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| I was on food stamps when I was drinking soda. | ||
| Call it a day. | ||
| Do you ever see when guys carry around a personal two liter? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, that's a wild move I've seen dudes do. | ||
| That's a crazy commitment to bad health. | ||
| Yeah, you hold it around, walk around. | ||
| Just carrying a jug of sugar water. | ||
| To be fair, it's also the top purchase of non-Snap households also. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| What's his, like, milk is number one? | ||
| No, soft drinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| Snap households, so it's more with the people that are on food stamps than it is with people who aren't. | ||
| Which is interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Quite a bit more. | ||
| Four percent to five percent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| More than five percent. | ||
| I think your soda's taking a hard hit, too, because a lot of people are just off it. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think it's fucking... | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's... | ||
| People love it. | ||
| People love it. | ||
| They can't help it. | ||
| They lie. | ||
| They lie. | ||
| They say they don't drink it. | ||
| They're drinking it all day long. | ||
| I don't fucking touch it. | ||
| I don't drink soda at all now. | ||
| I drink Diet Coke. | ||
| I drink Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper. | ||
| I'll drink those. | ||
| But you know what I really like is Zevia's. | ||
| Zevia's a guilt-free coke. | ||
| Guilt-free soda, rather. | ||
| What's it made with? | ||
| It's sweetened with stevia. | ||
| That's the only artificial sweetener I can have. | ||
| All the other ones, I'm like... | ||
| Dude, it's fucking good. | ||
| They make a cream soda. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| They make a root beer. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| A grape soda. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Zevia's great. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| And it's basically guilt-free. | ||
| It's just carbonated water with some stevia in it and some funky flavors. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| What does Zevia use for their flavors? | ||
| I drink it all the time, dude. | ||
| I'm addicted to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Don't say that. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| The secret ingredient is cancer. | ||
| Doesn't Diet Coke fuck you up, though? | ||
| I'm sure it does, if you're a pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Trump dog's crushing 40 a day. | ||
| He's going to be a president. | ||
| He's going to be 90. When he's 80, you don't tell him to stop drinking Diet Coke. | ||
| You say ride that fucking boat right into the rocks. | ||
| Yeah, it's so tight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like that that's the argument against Biden. | ||
| To me, obviously, there's no argument Trump's more cognitive than Joe Biden. | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| But it's not like he's no spring chicken. | ||
| He's going to be fucking geezed up himself. | ||
| No, if the Republicans wanted the best spokesman, it's Vivek. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| That guy's an animal. | ||
| Smooth, dude. | ||
| I was just praising him on the way here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's an animal. | |
| I've been watching him on The Breakfast Club, man. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| He's so composed. | ||
| And he's only 38, which is what you want. | ||
| You want someone who actually has a future. | ||
| 38 might be a little young. | ||
| I'm gonna leave my mark. | ||
| Bang. | ||
| You know, you don't want that. | ||
| I like him, man. | ||
| The more I watch of him, the more I like him. | ||
| I like him a lot. | ||
| I like Bobby, dude. | ||
| I like Bobby's my top choice, but Vivek is... | ||
| Vivek says a lot of very reasonable shit. | ||
| He does. | ||
| You hear his thing on abortion? | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
| If you're a man and you procreate with a woman, you're responsible financially for that baby and that woman. | ||
| His thing is to expand child support to the woman and the baby. | ||
| That would change a lot. | ||
| For 18 years. | ||
| And he was like, I think that brings both... | ||
| Wait. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He was saying, if you get a lady pregnant... | ||
| You gotta pay for both of them? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Because he was like, the woman has to bear the biological... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| What about how women are equal? | ||
| Yeah, Vivek's not... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Vivek's not dealing with that. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not an equal job. | ||
| There's not an equal responsibility. | ||
| It's not an equal job. | ||
| No, I like that. | ||
| You guys want to play double child support? | ||
| Is that what you guys are arguing for? | ||
| Yeah, I think you should. | ||
| Well listen, child support... | ||
| Why? | ||
| It's up to the woman's discretion how she spends it anyway, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, she doesn't have to document that it's only being spent on a child. | ||
| Oh no, they can do whatever they want. | ||
| Spend on their new goddamn boyfriend. | ||
| A woman raising a child... | ||
| Yeah, you could have paid for her and the child and she's got a new boyfriend? | ||
| Well, you'll think twice? | ||
| I would punch Vivek in the fucking mouth, dude. | ||
| You'll think twice for a nuttin' in these hoes. | ||
| You'll think twice for a nuttin' in these hoes. | ||
| I'm not thinking about Vivek when I'm nuttin' in these hoes, dude. | ||
| It's Vivek. | ||
| My bad. | ||
| It's not Vivek? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Vivek, like cake. | ||
| Vivek? | ||
| Vivek rhymes with cake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, nice. | |
| Yeah, it took me a while, too. | ||
| That was Vivek. | ||
| Try Ramaswamy. | ||
| Try that one. | ||
| Ramaswamy. | ||
| I want a Hindu president so bad, too. | ||
| He would be dope. | ||
| Dude, everyone's against Hindu presidents. | ||
| I'm like, dude, we need to get some Hinduism going. | ||
| He's saying some wild shit about getting rid of the CIA and getting rid of the FBI. Like, bro. | ||
| Yeah, he's going to put you in a convertible. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Ah, shouldn't we have a roof here? | ||
| Shouldn't the car have a roof? | ||
| Nah, just get in the back. | ||
| What are all those men doing in the grassy knoll? | ||
| Ah, guys lifting up an umbrella. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Yeah, I like him, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, fuck. | |
| I mean, dude, I think the future's bright. | ||
| I think we'll get some... | ||
| Oh, that's nice to hear. | ||
| That's so optimistic. | ||
| Well, you can't bullshit really anymore. | ||
| People are going to start expecting, like, if you're a president ten years from now, at least, if you're not sitting down for a three-hour long-form, people are going to be like, fuck this guy. | ||
| That's like a Shamwell guy. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| You can't just do infomercials. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| They can sit and chop it up. | ||
| Bobby Kennedy can sit and chop it up. | ||
| It's going to start being like, I'm good. | ||
| They get mad at Bobby Kennedy. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| What are they mad at? | ||
| Well, it's always vaccines. | ||
| It's not that unreasonable. | ||
| There's an adjutant in them to evoke an immune response. | ||
| Adjutant evoke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it used to be mercury and sometimes it's aluminum. | ||
| I'm sick of these fucking adjutants. | ||
| It's a real thing, and it's wild how many people are not willing to even look at it as a possibility. | ||
| It's religious. | ||
| It can cause a problem with some folks. | ||
| Yeah, it became a thing. | ||
| It's a religious thing, because if you're a full scientist, your religious worldview is that we're one day going to conquer the mysteries of our existence via technological progress. | ||
| Vaccines are a big part of that, so if you're like... | ||
| They're definitely good, but maybe they're kind of fucking us up. | ||
| Well, it's like most things. | ||
| It's like most things. | ||
| They absolutely do work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They absolutely do work in a lot of ways. | ||
| Dude, you can die from Tylenol. | ||
| If I took too many Tylenols, my liver will shut down. | ||
| Well, it's also different people have different responses. | ||
| You know, I can eat Brazil nuts all day long. | ||
| You give them to some people, they drop dead. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, I can take a Zen pick and my fucking pussy will fall off. | ||
| Yeah, your pussy rots out. | ||
| Charred pussy. | ||
| Satan pussy. | ||
| Whoa, imagine if you're religious and your fucking, your pussy starts showing like scorch signs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like it's hell. | ||
| It's hell pulling at your pussy. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| God, because you're too lazy to put down the churros? | ||
| Churros are good, dude. | ||
| You ever go to Disneyland? | ||
| Disneyland, you smell that churro stand? | ||
| Oh, I'm like, I'm at Disneyland, I'm getting a fucking churro. | ||
| I'm getting a churro, and I'm getting a turkey leg. | ||
| Turkey leg's nice. | ||
| Turkey leg's the bomb digger. | ||
| Turkey legs rule. | ||
| It's the best choice of food. | ||
| It's probably filled with chemicals, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's probably not real smoke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| They probably didn't really smoke that turkey. | ||
| That was a headless turkey, by the way, in like a fucking box. | ||
| Yeah, I was made in a bio lab in Ukraine. | ||
| It's the best choice, though. | ||
| What's up with those bio labs in Ukraine? | ||
| Do you want to feel good about your food? | ||
| Yeah, what is up with those bio labs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| They found bio labs there? | ||
| Oh, they found a lot of them. | ||
| Bro, what do you think we were doing over there? | ||
| True. | ||
| I mean, that's probably one of the ways I was like, guys, we got you. | ||
| We got you. | ||
| Cover your back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Settle down. | ||
| What is Burisma doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| It's all gonna come out. | ||
| I went into... | ||
| Wait, who blew up the Nord Stream pipeline? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| There's all types of stuff I don't even know. | ||
| How the false Russia biolab story came to circulate among the U.S. far right. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| So is it false? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| It circulated among me? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| It was a lurid and difficult to believe claim that Ukraine was developing biological weapons with the assistance of the U.S. government. | ||
| In fact, U.S. assistance to Ukrainian biological labs has been targeted at strengthening public health measures. | ||
| Both the U.S. and Ukraine have also signed a treaty vowing to never produce or use biological weapons. | ||
| We promise. | ||
| Dude, we funded Wuhan. | ||
| But hold on a second. | ||
| No, but we promise. | ||
| But this is their saying. | ||
| U.S. assistance to Ukrainian biological labs exists. | ||
| But has been targeted at strengthening public health measures. | ||
| So they do have biological labs. | ||
| Now, by the way, there's a long history of biological warfare over there that I was on this show called Joe Rogan Questions Everything. | ||
| And one of the things that I did is I interviewed this former Soviet scientist. | ||
| And he's like, dude, we had trenches filled with anthrax. | ||
| He goes, there was all sorts of plans in place that if anything went sideways, that they were going to figure out a way to poison Americans. | ||
| I mean, it's a legitimate biological weapons tactic to develop. | ||
| But why would you, look, why would you think that if we develop nuclear weapons, we'd develop hydrogen weapons, we'd develop all these fucking supersonic missiles, we wouldn't fuck with viruses. | ||
| It's fucking bullshit. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Of course they would. | ||
| We do. | ||
| 100% we do. | ||
| That's what just killed, probably, that's just what killed a bunch of people. | ||
| It probably had something to do with that. | ||
| Shut down our whole entire world. | ||
| They most certainly developed that in the lab. | ||
| That has been established now. | ||
| They know, they literally know that the strain that came out. | ||
| Are you sure the guy didn't fucking eat a bat and a penguin? | ||
| A penguin! | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yeah, the wet market. | ||
| It's a wet market, but it's weird because that became political. | ||
| Wet market was nice though, because then they filmed the wet market and you're like, yeah, obviously. | ||
| Right, but then the people on the left wanted to believe it came from the wet market. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because the people on the right were saying it's the China virus. | |
| It was a lab. | ||
| It was a lab. | ||
| No, that's a conspiracy theory. | ||
| So people argued as if their side had a win. | ||
| It has to be the wet market. | ||
| Because if it doesn't, then the fascists win. | ||
| They had this crazy connection to the source of a fucking pandemic disease. | ||
| Dude, I caught it, and I was like, this doesn't feel like anything I've ever had before. | ||
| It really wasn't that bad. | ||
| It was two days fever, but then I was just hacking up. | ||
| It wasn't even mucus. | ||
| It was like liquid. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is this shit? | ||
| Me and my wife were both like, dude, this feels like some weird artificial something. | ||
| It felt bizarre. | ||
| Everybody said that it felt alien. | ||
| It did, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it felt alien. | ||
| I think it swirled your brain. | ||
| It was a new type of being sick. | ||
| Yeah, a new type of being sick, yeah. | ||
| Champed it, though. | ||
| Did you take vitamins or anything back then? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. | ||
| I was taking them. | ||
| Most people that really got hit hard, they don't suck. | ||
| I was more of a vitamins guy, so I was fine. | ||
| He was drinking beer. | ||
| Beer works. | ||
| Well, no, it doesn't. | ||
| For the record. | ||
| Responsible. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| You're a spokesman now. | ||
| You've got to be careful about your claims. | ||
| I'm very responsible. | ||
| You could shit it out. | ||
| You could diarrhea it out. | ||
| It actually... | ||
| What is this, the pangolin? | ||
| Yeah, have you seen it? | ||
| Oh, that thing looks fucking delicious. | ||
| Is that that bastard that took down... | ||
| Prehistoric, man. | ||
| Look at that motherfucker. | ||
| You know they curl up in a ball? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| Yeah, it's just their armadillo. | ||
| They're armored, man. | ||
| You can't even cut that shit. | ||
| Look how cool they are. | ||
| God, that looks like it belongs a million years ago, doesn't it? | ||
| It's a good guy. | ||
| What a cool-looking animal. | ||
| Fuck, that thing's wild-looking. | ||
| Joe, what's your favorite animal? | ||
| If I had one that I'd love to look at... | ||
| I knew you'd have an answer. | ||
| If I had one I'd love to look at... | ||
| For me, it's always primates. | ||
| Always private. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I disagree. | |
| If I could find one animal that I would see- I couldn't disagree more. | ||
| That one animal that I could go check out, it would be the Bondo ape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Compared to a river otter? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| These otters are cute. | ||
| You like watching the otters? | ||
| They fuck each other up. | ||
| You ever see river otter wars? | ||
| Yeah, when they fight, it's fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They get wars. | |
| They have like turf wars? | ||
| A gang comes after another gang. | ||
| They fucking do that. | ||
| You ever see monkeys see magic tricks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's fun. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Dudes go to the zoo and do magic tricks, the monkeys go. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dude, it's always... | ||
| The monkey acts like he's not watching. | ||
| Bro, you just stuff your snot rag right back in your pocket? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's like a hanky, dude. | ||
| You're a man. | ||
| Handkerchief, man. | ||
| You're showing it to the monkey. | ||
| You're fully hanky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at the monkey, bro. | |
| Look at the monkey. | ||
| The monkey freaked out. | ||
| Show that again, Jamie. | ||
| Show that again. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Check it out, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Every single time they go. | ||
| It's like, oh shit! | ||
| This is crazy! | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Now you see it, now you don't. | ||
| Look at him, he's like, this is amazing. | ||
| Oh, that's so fucking funny. | ||
| That makes sense why I like magic so much. | ||
| Yeah, magic rules. | ||
| Yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| But if there's one animal that I can go see, it's called the Bondo ape. | ||
| It's an enormous chimpanzee that lives in one specific area of the Congo. | ||
| They used to think it was mythological, but now they have tissue samples, they have skulls, they have a crested skull like a gorilla. | ||
| They nest on the ground like gorillas and they're huge. | ||
| They're like six feet tall chimpanzees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, and the locals have two different types of chimps. | ||
| Look at the size of them. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, one they call tree beaters, the other one they call lion killers. | ||
| They cut that guy's throat? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| They shot him. | ||
| They shot him at an airport. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They shot him at an airport? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the size of them. | ||
| Oh, that looks like a gorilla to me. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big boy. | ||
| That's a gorilla. | ||
| Is that that doctor with a Bondo ape on you? | ||
| Listen, there's a guy named Carl Armand who's a Swiss wildlife photographer. | ||
| You did a magic trick? | ||
| He dedicated his life to find these things. | ||
| It's a documented animal. | ||
| They know it's a real thing now. | ||
| They have videos of them. | ||
| They're really big chimpanzees. | ||
| And they don't think necessarily it's a different species. | ||
| They think it's like a different... | ||
| Like the Clydesdales. | ||
| It's still a horse. | ||
| But it's like a crazy big horse. | ||
| But there's this one area called... | ||
| I think it's called Bili in the Congo that has this enormous chimpanzee. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would want to see that. | ||
| I don't like chimpanzees. | ||
| No? | ||
| You didn't like Chimp Nation? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Yeah, I liked it. | ||
| But there's two similar... | ||
| It's the human ears that fuck me up. | ||
| No other animal has those. | ||
| It's unset. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Something about them I don't love. | ||
| They have evil eyes. | ||
| Dude, you don't want to see a red panda? | ||
| Look at that arm. | ||
| The fucking size of his arm. | ||
| I would be super proud to have those arms. | ||
| Jamie, bring up red pandas. | ||
| Look at the size of his arms. | ||
| Look at his fucking build, man. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I'd be stoked to be built like that. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at the size of him. | ||
| That's terrifying, dude. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| They do rule. | ||
| They are funny. | ||
| I might be dogs. | ||
| Dogs rule. | ||
|
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Wolves. | |
| Wolves in the wild. | ||
| Being around wolves would be amazing. | ||
| Look at that, Red Panda. | ||
| He's such a cutie. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| So cute. | ||
|
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That is a cutie. | |
| So cute. | ||
| Look at his little face. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Honey badger is fun. | ||
| Those are pretty dope. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| Badgers are the shit. | ||
| Badgers are awesome. | ||
| Wolverines are cool. | ||
| Wolverines. | ||
| I just love that they come in and tell everybody, get the fuck out of here. | ||
|
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Everyone's like, what are you doing? | |
| They attack big cats, and big cats are like... | ||
| They attack lions! | ||
|
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The lion's like, what the fuck are you doing? | |
| Fuck off! | ||
| Fuck off! | ||
| Fucking kill me! | ||
| They're 30 pounds! | ||
|
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Fuck off! | |
| It's the funniest animal possible. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| You fucking kill me right now, motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, they're the most psycho animal. | ||
|
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For sure. | |
| It's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You sent me the video of them, like, going at lions. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck? | ||
| And all the lions are, like, confused. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| They'll, like, hit it for a second. | ||
| One of them will get bit. | ||
| They'll all run. | ||
| That's so fucking funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| They're so tough. | ||
| I saw a badger once in the middle of the road and I got out to film it and started walking towards me. | ||
| I ran right back to the floor. | ||
| Hell yeah, dude. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| Fuck you up, dude. | ||
| Look at that badger. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| This is nothing to me. | ||
| These jaguars are trying to kill him. | ||
| He's like, fuck off. | ||
| Leave me alone, bitch. | ||
| Fuck are you doing, bitch? | ||
| Fuck are you doing, bitch? | ||
| I'm going to bite your dick. | ||
| I'm going to bite your dick. | ||
| He's going to write for the dick. | ||
| Look, the cat's trying to kill him. | ||
| He's like, nope. | ||
| You can't kill me. | ||
| I was watching the thing on them. | ||
| I think it's like they're... | ||
| Fuck off! | ||
| Let it bite your dick. | ||
| He's going right for dicks. | ||
| He's going right at dicks. | ||
| They don't have flight. | ||
| They don't have flight. | ||
| No, it's all fight. | ||
| They just go at you. | ||
| So big animals are confused by it. | ||
| And they seem invulnerable. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about them. | ||
| Oh, and they're smart, dude. | ||
| There's one video of this guy that tried to keep one in captivity. | ||
| And it kept building stuff to escape. | ||
| And he had to cut down trees. | ||
| He had to hide everything. | ||
| Because it just kept getting out. | ||
| Remember we saw the Tasmanian devils? | ||
| They're so smart! | ||
| They're so determined. | ||
| And they just get out to run around and fight. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| I gotta fuck something up. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that nature made that and a giraffe? | ||
| Like, nature's like, oh, everything. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Grasshoppers. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Frogs, birds, fuck it. | ||
| God is great, dude. | ||
| God is great. | ||
| God made all types of bullshit. | ||
| And it made people to make films of it. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| I bug out on all the stuff that's made. | ||
| I'm like, dude, this is crazy. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| Universe, planets, bugs. | ||
| It's also when you see them fighting, you realize how goddamn vulnerable we are. | ||
| We're so weak. | ||
| Even like UFC fighters. | ||
| Our skin is made out of tissue paper. | ||
| We get cut all the time. | ||
| Dude, all of our vulnerable organs are right here. | ||
| It's all soft. | ||
| Everything's soft. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Even like the elite of the elite. | ||
| You know, like you're talking about Matt Hughes. | ||
| Even that guy. | ||
| Like against an animal. | ||
| He's just vulnerable. | ||
| Just nothing. | ||
| Honey Badger vs. | ||
| Beehive. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck about bees. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Sting me, bitch. | ||
| Breaks the entire thing. | ||
| Sting me, bitch. | ||
| He's getting stung, dude. | ||
| He's getting stung. | ||
| He's getting stung. | ||
| He's getting mad. | ||
| He'll go right back. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Ow. | ||
| He's getting stung in his eyeballs everywhere. | ||
|
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|
So good. | |
| Honey's so good. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| What a little psycho eyes they have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| We saw Tasmanian Devils in Australia, and those things are cool as fuck, too. | ||
| Yeah, Tasmanian Devils. | ||
| Fucking rules. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| That might be the favorite thing I've ever seen in a zoo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have contagious cancer. | ||
|
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|
What? | |
| Yeah, they have herpes? | ||
| Yeah, I thought so too. | ||
| I thought it was too, but it's the kind of cancer that they get from biting each other. | ||
| Yeah, they bite each other in the face so much, and they get these crazy face tumors from contagious cancer. | ||
| Koalas were fun. | ||
| Chalmers are tight. | ||
| Chlamydia boys. | ||
| They have chlamydia, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody says that. | ||
| Every time you hold them, they're like, watch out. | ||
|
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They're real calm until they're hungry. | |
| You need to keep feeding them if you want to hold onto them. | ||
| You let go, you stop feeding them for a little while, they're like, hey, motherfucker, where's the food? | ||
| And it changes what it is. | ||
| Yeah, they get nasty. | ||
| They're feeding them shit the whole time to chill them out. | ||
| Probably drug them up a little too. | ||
| Have you heard of a drop bear? | ||
| A what? | ||
| A drop bear. | ||
| What's a drop bear? | ||
| Sounds like it's awesome. | ||
| It went around the internet. | ||
| It's like mean koalas, but it turns out we're dumb Americans and don't know that it's like a meme. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| But it looks like there's a bunch of facts about drop bears. | ||
| It's a koala with its mouth open? | ||
| Yeah, it's not real, but they made it sound real. | ||
| So they just have koalas with their mouths open? | ||
| They say they're more aggressive koalas or something? | ||
| They say they can fit their heads. | ||
| They drop from heights as high as 45 meters. | ||
| 45 meters! | ||
|
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|
They fall out of the tree all the time. | |
| Yeah, they get fucked up. | ||
| You know who doesn't get fucked up? | ||
| Squirrels. | ||
| True. | ||
| Squirrels fall from so far, dude. | ||
| They push each other out of trees when they're trying to fuck. | ||
| They push each other. | ||
|
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|
Get out of here, bitch. | |
| Yeah, get out of here, bro. | ||
| They're really good at falling. | ||
| Jamie, can you find a video? | ||
| There's a koala that attacks a kid, and it's very funny. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Well, it's just an adorable koala running up, and everyone's like, oh, nice. | ||
| It just starts going at a kid. | ||
| Yeah, they're little bears, man. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| At the end of the day, they're little bears. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
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|
Oh! | |
| Oh! | ||
| He's just getting that kid. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's like Lilo and Stitch. | ||
| Bro, imagine that? | ||
| You're a little kid and you get attacked by that little fucker. | ||
| That'll fuck you up. | ||
| A teddy bear killed you? | ||
| Because he probably thinks you're small people or not people. | ||
| That's how dogs are sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
|
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|
Oh, oh! | |
| Dogs think that small people are animals. | ||
| Dude, he runs off and so funny. | ||
| He fucks him up. | ||
| Just an adorable animal. | ||
| I would have beat the shit out of that kawala. | ||
| That guy, he handled that a lot better than the wrestling coach. | ||
| I would have fucking destroyed that kawala. | ||
| Yeah, I would've too. | ||
| Dude, how the fuck did that thing? | ||
| Stomp him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Guy throwing a raccoon when it attacks his dog? | ||
| Fired up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| You ever see the one where the lady's in the backyard and the black bear is on the fence and her dogs are barking? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she pushes the fucking bear off the fence? | ||
| She pushes the bear off the wall? | ||
|
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|
No. | |
| It's like a young girl, too. | ||
| She's like 16. She's like, get the fuck out of here! | ||
| She's like so enraged trying to keep this one. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| This lady's trying to keep her dogs alive. | ||
| So the bear comes up. | ||
| He's on the fence there on the wall there. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the dogs see it and they go running. | ||
| Oh with its cubs. | ||
| Oh with its cubs, no. | ||
|
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|
Oh! | |
| Oh, that hurt. | ||
| Look at this crazy lady. | ||
| She pushes it right over the edge. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That lady's wild. | ||
| That's a wild lady. | ||
| That's a wild lady. | ||
| That lady's got balls. | ||
| You know what's wild? | ||
| It says this is from Fox, Orlando. | ||
| There's no way that was in Florida, was it? | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Oh, dude, they have a lot of bears in Florida. | ||
| Florida has a large bear population. | ||
| Yeah, someone got killed by a bear there a few years ago. | ||
| Damn, her mothering instincts kicked in with her dogs, man. | ||
| Some people don't play. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That whole crew. | ||
| All the shitty dogs ran out to fight. | ||
| She ran out to fight. | ||
| Dude, those bears. | ||
| That's the wrong answer. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All these losers are fighting me. | |
| Little tiny dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't fuck around. | ||
| Like, little dogs will attack. | ||
| They attack everything. | ||
| Chihuahuas, too. | ||
| It's a very bad instinct. | ||
| She's 17. Oh, wow, yeah. | ||
| She's a kid. | ||
| Gangster. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Boys, let's wrap this up. | ||
| Yeah, hell yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Matt and Chain's Secret Podcast. | ||
| Available everywhere. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Thank you, bro. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| That's everywhere. | ||
| YouTube. | ||
| It's all over the place. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| Thank you so much, bro. | ||
| My pleasure. | ||
| Good to see you guys again. | ||
| You rule. | ||
|
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|
See ya. | |
| I'll see ya. | ||
| Bye, everybody. |
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