Dec. 5, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:46:03
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's their own blend. | ||
| Some kind of tobacco thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go live and sort this out. | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| You know how podcasting works. | ||
| We're wasting all this beautiful... | ||
| I was recording it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was recording it. | |
| We use every part of the buffalo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We missed this entire Jamie ordering a half cow. | |
| What's wrong with a cow? | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I'm with prepper Jamie. | ||
| Jamie's got canned peaches in his basement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just thought it was a Texas thing. | |
| What, getting a half a cow? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it is. | ||
| Well, one of the beautiful things about living around here is that there are a bunch of really good ranchers. | ||
| And you could buy... | ||
| Meat from someone who you know they grew the cow. | ||
| You know they didn't pump it full of antibiotics and hormones. | ||
| There's a lot of grass-fed ranchers out here. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| I think that's what I was thinking one day. | ||
| I would love a nice grass-fed ribeye. | ||
| I'm a big fan of the grass-fed ribeyes. | ||
| Most people are so used to corn-fed though. | ||
| You get that pinkish sort of fatty. | ||
| Do you know the difference between prime or whatever? | ||
| I do not. | ||
| I do not. | ||
| Wait, what's the difference between corn-fed and grass-fed? | ||
| Grass-fed is how they normally eat. | ||
| That's how a cow usually eats. | ||
| They just eat grass. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But then when they want to really plump them up quickly, they feed them corn. | ||
| So most steaks, if you go to like a steakhouse, unless they specify it's corn-fed or grain-fed. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The BBL of cow trough is fucking corn-fed. | ||
| Yeah, a grass-fed is nice. | ||
| But I couldn't tell you the difference. | ||
| They're darker. | ||
| It's a little chewier. | ||
| Tastes better to me. | ||
| I like the flavor more. | ||
| The BBL, who was the fucking first doctor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was like, I know what to do with this extra fat. | |
| It's genius. | ||
| It's like how a baby would be a doctor. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, oh, let's put it in their cheeks. | ||
| Have you seen one in real life, though? | ||
| I have. | ||
| And it was pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you get them fresh. | ||
| BBLs are like fish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| You want them... | ||
| You don't want them hanging out too long, you don't want too many kids, you know what I mean? | ||
| But if you get them right after Dr. Miami, you know what I mean? | ||
| Four months after healing. | ||
| Some pretty cool stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dry-aged beef. | ||
| Yeah, exactly, exactly. | ||
| You gotta let- I'm good at that perfect 30-day mark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You scrape off that weird top part, you know, and underneath there's a nice bubbly butt cheeks. | ||
| It is funny to fuck somebody with a huge ass when your dick is so little, though. | ||
| It's like my dick was, like, being stopped by the cheeks. | ||
| My head was probably this much in her pussy. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Really, you have to really concentrate on tightening up your butt cheeks and keeping that forward thrust. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good form. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't want to have too much laxity on the back end. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You don't want to have a rigid wall. | ||
| You're only going back in, boom, and back in, and back in! | ||
| I have to get my deadlift formed down just so I can fuck a girl with a huge ass. | ||
| I think kettlebell swings. | ||
| It's all on the hips. | ||
| Okay, no. | ||
| Kettlebell swings. | ||
| It's a hip hinge. | ||
| That's what you want to work on. | ||
| I think carrying a gigantic stomach has to kind of strengthen the back, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it destroys your back, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But for those 45 seconds when I'm in those fake butt cheeks, it's pretty good. | ||
| Well, I was thinking that about, like, Ralphie Mae used to have the most fucking gigantic calves. | ||
| And I was like, Ralphie, if you lost weight, you'd be able to kick through a fucking wall. | ||
| Bro, check these photos. | ||
| Have you seen these little bad boys? | ||
| Let me see these bad boys. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
| This is what I'm coming on the show for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Calfs. | ||
| Check these fuckers out. | ||
| Let me see the calves. | ||
| Would I put them up here? | ||
| Yeah, up there. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That's massive. | ||
| Look at those. | ||
| But it makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you're basically rucking all day. | ||
| What's rucking? | ||
| Rucking is like when guys hike with a heavy, heavy, heavy backpack. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's great cardio. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, you're rucking. | ||
| I'm doing a 34-year ruck. | ||
| We're shedding it any day now. | ||
| Bro, if you lost weight, you'd have fucking tremendous leg power. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I gotta get in there. | ||
| Bert looks great. | ||
| He really does. | ||
| He's sending us a picture today. | ||
| He's down to 230. He drinks one day a week. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And he says he's on a strict carnivore diet. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Do you think his vices will... | ||
| He'll fall apart. | ||
| Yeah, he's got no chance. | ||
| He just said he's going to gain it all back just so he can try to lose it again because he needs something to do. | ||
| I mean, that's lunacy. | ||
| How about being on a constant world tour? | ||
| Is that something to do, Bert? | ||
| Yeah, that seems a little lunatic too. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, you know, when I met Bert, Bert didn't have any money. | ||
| And now Bert is rolling in dough. | ||
| And I just think he just likes that too much and he wants that to keep coming. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| You know, to go from a guy who, you know, really didn't do well on the road to now all of a sudden you're selling out clubs, now all of a sudden you're selling out theaters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking arenas. | |
| Now you're doing fucking arenas four or five nights a week. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah, it feels like, because I did the Fully Loaded Tour. | ||
| I did a weekend on it. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| But it does feel like if a guy who was, like, working Funny Bones Got a wish from a genie to sell out arenas, he would behave the way Burt's behaving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| It is kind of like that, right? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I mean, he's having the best time. | ||
| He's fucking partying constantly. | ||
| He's very happy. | ||
| Yeah, you can't even... | ||
| You can't deny him that. | ||
| My instinct is to be like, dude, you gotta slow down. | ||
| But I was with him. | ||
| He's the only one having the best time ever. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, he's having the best time in the fucking world. | ||
| Everyone's like, oh, we gotta get fucked up again, Burt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Dude, I was literally napping in the bunk on mushrooms, and I was like, I have to go do an arena right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, I just want to chill, man. | |
| This is too much. | ||
| Well, he has a different constitution than most humans. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's got to be genetic. | ||
| There's something going on there. | ||
| He must have a long line of people from his ancestry that imbibed in alcohol. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| He could just put it away. | ||
| No, it's crazy. | ||
| And he could put it away and just be hanging out with you, and you're like, wait, how many fucking drinks have you had? | ||
| Him and Gillis. | ||
| Shane's out of control. | ||
| Bro, he sat here with Ari, and when Ari tried to go beer for beer with him, and he's 16, 17 beers in, and the guy doesn't even slur his words. | ||
| No. | ||
| Also, he's giant. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| He's a big fucking dude. | ||
| Yeah, and also Ari's a- So it's gone through a lot of flesh. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Ari's a sickly old man. | ||
| Look at Ari! | ||
| That's elder abuse to do that to Ari. | ||
| Ari seems like he's 50 years older than me and he's younger than me by quite a bit. | ||
| He's at least 10 years younger than me, right? | ||
| How old is Ari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think Ari's like 45? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, Google Ari Shaffir. | ||
| Jamie's looking up into the sky. | ||
| What do you think that page looks like? | ||
| What do you think that search looks like when you Google Ari Shaffir? | ||
| It's probably a 49. 49? | ||
| 49. Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he's a man whose genes are he should be a rabbi. | ||
| I mean, he looks like a rabbi. | ||
| Well, he was on his way. | ||
| That's what he was going to do. | ||
| I mean, he was literally studying the Talmud like 12 hours a day. | ||
| He did the whole deal. | ||
| He went to Israel and he was on his way. | ||
| He was very religious. | ||
| When I met him, he was just breaking out of that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Boy, when did Ari first start coming to the store? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's not a rabbi. | ||
| Look at his beard. | ||
| The beard's amazing. | ||
| The beard's so good. | ||
| His posture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The beard's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I met him... | ||
| Boy, I guess it had to have been in the 2000s. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Like maybe 2000, 2001. Okay. | ||
| So that was somewhere around 23 years ago, and Ari was like, yeah, Ari was like 25. Huh. | ||
| And he had lost his religion. | ||
| I'm not sure, because we didn't really start talking about that until afterwards when we became better friends. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I just knew him as a door guy at the store. | ||
| Just really, really smart dude. | ||
| I remember talking to him and go, oh, this motherfucker's on the ball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's smart. | ||
| Yeah, before 23 years of destroying his brain. | ||
| Well, he's still smart as fuck, but it's like, you know, when you talk to people, for me at least, When I'm talking to a door guy or an open-miker guy, I have all the hope in the world for you. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| But there's some dudes you talk to, you're like, oh, this guy's so dull. | ||
| Yeah, it's not happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's dull. | |
| His mind's not working well. | ||
| Or he's just leaping to stupid conclusions. | ||
| He doesn't have a thing. | ||
| You try and slip him an HVAC. You never know. | ||
| You never fucking know. | ||
| A brochure for an HVAC. You never know. | ||
| Some of them fucking find mushrooms and crack through. | ||
| That's how they do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does! | |
| It does happen, right? | ||
| I've seen some guys, and I'm like, he's not going to make it. | ||
| And they make it. | ||
| And they're like, wow. | ||
| But you kind of look at them like a salmon going upriver. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, how many of you motherfuckers get past the grizzlies? | ||
| You're a bear food baby. | ||
| That's coming out of a motherfucker's fangs. | ||
| But I remember talking to Ari the first time I talked to him. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this fucking dude's clever. | ||
| He's smart. | ||
| And then once we became friends and he started telling me his background, then I was fascinated. | ||
| I know. | ||
| So what made you give up on this, you know? | ||
| I know he's talked about it. | ||
| I don't remember whether it was a moment or whether it was multiple moments where he gave up on it. | ||
| Yeah, maybe getting pussy for the first time. | ||
| Because he's such a freak. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Yeah, I wonder when he got pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| But I think it was when he was 25. But his fucking special Jew is so good. | ||
| Well, that's what I was going to say about this conversation we're having. | ||
| Not only was it so good, and it was so interesting to hear from that, but I also felt like he just scratched the surface. | ||
| I feel like there's so much more in that self-reflection. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He could do Jew 2. 100%. | ||
| Jew 2, Electric Boogaloo. | ||
| And he could do it better than anybody. | ||
| Electric Jougaloo, I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| Where's Mark when you need him? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Fucking the text message chain that I have with him and Shane. | ||
| We have a Protect Our Parks text message chain. | ||
| And every now and then he'll fucking chime in with a Norman. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These zingers. | |
| His fucking brain works different than anybody's. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the most like, he's just looking for a pun first and foremost. | ||
| Well, he's just a real comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| I mean, that's what that guy is. | ||
| You can't get him to do anything else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Dude, his wedding was hilarious. | ||
| I bet it was. | ||
| I see it. | ||
| Like, you can tell. | ||
| He's a guy who's trained himself on, you know, deflecting, never, like, being emotional, ever being honest. | ||
| Or, not honest, open. | ||
| And then, dude, he was so uncomfortable in what's supposed to be the best moment of your life. | ||
| He's just like, uh... | ||
| There's no way to do a pun. | ||
| Like, he was squirming. | ||
| He had to just be like, tell his wife how he loved her. | ||
| And he's just like, can I call her gay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know he would have preferred to be like, love you, homo. | |
| Yeah, he probably would have preferred that. | ||
| But it was a great wedding. | ||
| Yeah, women get upset if you don't take that thing very seriously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you call her fatty in your vows. | ||
| That sounds totally like something he would do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she'd be screaming every afterwards, it's my special day! | |
| He killed it, though. | ||
| It was an incredible wedding. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Weddings are touch and go. | ||
| They can be great. | ||
| Schultz's was awesome. | ||
| Oh, I believe that. | ||
| Schultz's was very good. | ||
| That's a motherfucker that knows how to celebrate. | ||
| Yeah, he knows how to put stuff together. | ||
| He had sushi by scratch, cater it. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Yeah, sushi at a wedding. | ||
| Really good sushi, too. | ||
| A lot of comics were there. | ||
| A lot of our friends were there. | ||
| It was a good time. | ||
| That's a great time. | ||
| It was in Montecito. | ||
| You ever been to Montecito? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I don't even know where the fuck that is. | ||
| It's in California. | ||
| It's like in the Santa Barbara area. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's one of the most beautiful areas of California. | ||
| And Italian immigrants came there, and it reminded them, I think, of the Amalfi Coast. | ||
| And they sort of recreated this sort of Italian style. | ||
| It was like really good Italian restaurants, good Italian style homes. | ||
| Domestic abuse. | ||
| Not that kind of Italian. | ||
| Not American Italian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Those are the savage ones that got in the boats. | ||
| They're different, bro. | ||
| Italians in Italy and Italians in America are very fucking different. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Do you go to Italy a lot? | ||
| Yeah, I used to go every year. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| This last year I went to Greece for the first time. | ||
| Ooh, where'd you go? | ||
| We went to a bunch of the islands. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| We went to Delos. | ||
| We went to... | ||
| Go to the temple? | ||
| Yeah, we went to all that stuff. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, man, it was fascinating. | ||
| It's so interesting being in the ruins of... | ||
| A place where these people thrived here 2,500 years ago. | ||
| It's fucking wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's wild. | |
| That's what I love about the, like, even though it's the thing everybody knows about, go to the Parthenon and go into that neighborhood where it's like, you go over those cobblestones, you're like... | ||
| Some fucking guy, some like 4'8 Athenian was fucking just going up these steps, fucking fetching water, just having a shitty day, anointed his fucking girlfriend, you know what I mean? | ||
| Leather sandals on. | ||
| Yeah, leather sandals on. | ||
| He's running late to his tutoring session slash getting molested appointment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Some children are like, I better get these formulas right or he is going to have his way with me this time. | ||
| Yeah, not only was pedophilia okay, But it was openly discussed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Like they had boy lovers. | ||
| Yup. | ||
| You were made fun of if you continued to get fucked in the ass past adolescence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, you silly boy. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you're being a fucking little kid. | ||
| What, you being a homo? | ||
| You're being childish getting fucked in the ass. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Dude, I swear. | ||
| Is that documented? | ||
| Now, it's documented. | ||
| I read it somewhere eight years ago, maybe, and I've been repeating it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's repeat it. | |
| Let's repeat it everywhere. | ||
| I might have told it to you the last time I was on. | ||
| That is so insane, though. | ||
| But if you go back and read in history, like Socrates, how many of these guys had boy lovers? | ||
| Probably all of them. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| What year do people realize that's terrible? | ||
| Like 20 years ago. | ||
| It's probably about 20 years ago. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| No, it's fucked up. | ||
| And, you know, you would read in, like, your sociology books where it's like, there's places where that's fucking, you know, you know where they're like, we can't, you know, these primitive people that we make contact with or, like, these people that don't have technology. | ||
| It's like half of them are still doing that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, there's New Guinea. | ||
| Do you know about the semen warriors of New Guinea? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I take it by your laughs that you do not. | ||
| What a fucking epithet of the semen warriors. | ||
| There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea that when a child becomes six or seven, they take them away from their mother and they bring them to an older man who becomes their anal father. | ||
| Their anal father? | ||
| Anal father. | ||
| And they believe that the only way for a boy to grow strong is that he has to ingest semen in his asshole and in his mouth. | ||
| No! | ||
| Both ways? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| So these kids are just sucking cock and getting buttfucked from six, seven on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucked up. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's a literal tribal tradition. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at my boy. | ||
| Look how he puts down that cock. | ||
| You think there's like proud fathers with a tear coming down his eye? | ||
| I don't think they get to watch. | ||
| I don't know what happens with the dads. | ||
| I guess the dads, I guess everybody's just used to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bloodletting ceremony involves beating the boys with long sticks on their nostrils until they bleed. | ||
| That way, the woman's tingoo is completely gotten rid of. | ||
| Once this is done, he's made to perform oral sex on the older ones, which they do not stop until they take in the semen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Ingesting the semen will make them stronger. | ||
| More so, they are kept aside for three years and maintain a strict diet to make them stronger. | ||
| Defiance against this from the boys usually involves death. | ||
| They've bred straightness out of their tribe. | ||
| Jesus Christ, they fucking killed them if they don't want to get their mouth fucked. | ||
| Dude, how bad would this be if the guy who's fucking your mouth can't get hard? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He's like, alright, can you give me a second here? | ||
| The guy's just jacking off. | ||
| Alright, give me a sec. | ||
| Hey, can you pitch my nipples? | ||
| I want to go back to my mommy. | ||
| I want to go back to my mommy. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You better hope you get a real pedophile who's enjoying himself. | ||
| I bet they're all real pedophiles. | ||
| I guess you're right. | ||
| There's no moral fucking outliers in tribal communities. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| That's a fucking rough way to live. | ||
| Did you see that guy? | ||
| The guy from New Zealand? | ||
| That's the guy you gotta suck off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, with fucking boar tusks woven into his nose. | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, do you see that guy? | ||
| There's a guy in New Guinea that's... | ||
| He was kidnapped, and they just made a video about him today. | ||
| Or I just saw it today, I should say. | ||
| Where these guys, there's like 30 dudes around him pointing a rifle at him. | ||
| And he's some journalist from New Zealand. | ||
| And they've had him hostage for 10 months. | ||
| And they've tried military operations to get him and they've all failed. | ||
| And now they're making demands. | ||
| Have you seen it, Jamie? | ||
| No, I haven't heard about this at all. | ||
| I'm seeing a story from February of this year. | ||
| He's a journalist and he's there in New Guinea? | ||
| Professor from Australia. | ||
| Is he a professor? | ||
| I mean, there's actually a couple stories. | ||
| Oh, there's a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're kidnapping a shitload of people out there. | |
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| Did they kidnap them or did those guys go there? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's stories from... | ||
| I think once they go there, they kidnap them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Stress commission underway. | ||
| Rebels claim New Zealand pilot taken in Indonesia's Papa. | ||
| And why would you go, exactly? | ||
| Oh, these are rebels. | ||
| Well, I mean, there's a lot of people that have been there before because they, you know, these fucking knuckleheads, they think that they're... | ||
| You know, they're gonna, like, experience this amazing culture, and these people live a horrific war-like existence. | ||
| Go to Montecito. | ||
| Yeah, go to Montecito. | ||
| Go to Montecito. | ||
| Go to where Schultz got married. | ||
| I'm trying to find this for you, Jamie. | ||
| I know I got it. | ||
| That's fucking brutal. | ||
| Yeah, I'm working on Twitter, too. | ||
| I see some things, but I'm looking for specifically what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, there's... | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Look at this poor motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| They got it right. | ||
| New Zealand pilot, so yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Held by the rebels in West Papua region for 10 months. | ||
| Is that a jammy? | ||
| Jamie, here's the video. | ||
| I'm sending you the video. | ||
| How'd he fall into his hands? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show him a little bit? | |
| Look at that shit, man. | ||
| He fell into the hands of the Liberation Army after landing his Susie Air single engine plane on a remote airstrip. | ||
| The mountainous province of Nduga, while supporting locals, get home to remote parts of the country. | ||
| I see. | ||
| He's trying to fuck... | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| And he's wearing the drip, too. | ||
| He's got the Papa's shirt on. | ||
| Yeah, he's got to. | ||
| He's like, I'm with you guys. | ||
| They probably can't even read it. | ||
| We don't know what that means. | ||
| Give us money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want money and all my brothers return to me. | |
| We will fuck your mouth. | ||
| We fuck your mouth. | ||
| No matter what, we fuck your mouth. | ||
| We started mouth fucking. | ||
| Let us make a deal. | ||
| We'll let you go if you come back every three months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. Damn. Damn. | |
| And this dude probably can't even understand a word what he's saying. | ||
| He's being pretty cool for... | ||
| Let me hear his voice, Jamie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
me. | |
| It's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know how long it would take you to figure out what the fuck they're saying? | |
| No chance I would ever know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I would... | |
| Damn, that poor dude. | ||
| He's been there for ten months. | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, dude. | |
| What do you think they let... | ||
| How does he wipe his ass, do you think? | ||
| Like, even the most minor parts would be brutal. | ||
| I bet he doesn't. | ||
| I bet he doesn't. | ||
| I bet he doesn't even bother anyone. | ||
| He just shits and puts his fucking shitty drawers back on. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| He's probably got one sock on. | ||
| What's he eating? | ||
| Like, even the most basic stuff, let alone the 10... | ||
| They're the 40 guys with rifles. | ||
| Yeah, that dude lives in hell. | ||
| And I wonder if he can speak their language. | ||
| I wonder if he understands. | ||
| They got some pretty sophisticated rifling there. | ||
| Yeah, they look, I gotta say, they look cool. | ||
| Yeah, those are serious. | ||
| They look fucking sick. | ||
| Those are serious guns. | ||
| Let's make these guys the villains in an action movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would be fucking awesome. | ||
| Let's get this guy out of there. | ||
| This is, like, so crazy. | ||
| They're all just no trigger discipline, all fucking pointed at him. | ||
| They have their fingers on the triggers. | ||
| Look at this guy on the left-hand side. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
| You do that before you shoot. | ||
| You don't keep your finger on the fucking trigger. | ||
| That guy has his finger on the trigger. | ||
| Look, ready for one twitchy movement. | ||
| He's so close, too. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| They all have their fingers on the triggers. | ||
| This feels like a Chris Hemsworth movie waiting to happen. | ||
| I extracted! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Extraction 3. Boy, that does not end well. | |
| I would do horrible in a kidnapping setting. | ||
| Dude, you get kidnapped on a fucking island. | ||
| I'm not coming out. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I would try and kill myself. | ||
| I mean, I guarantee you can't drink the water that they can drink. | ||
| No way. | ||
| There's people in certain parts of the world that are used to drinking dirty water, and they can survive off dirty water for whatever reason. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that's all about, but they're like a horse. | ||
| You take a horse up to a river, they just drink out of the river. | ||
| Some people can do that. | ||
| We lost that a long time ago. | ||
| Too much clean water from the jump. | ||
| If we were drinking bullshit from the beginning. | ||
| We should be back to drinking puddle water. | ||
| Hell yeah, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now we're talking. | |
| Straighten out the American gut biome. | ||
| That'll bring us back. | ||
| Yeah, that'll bring us back. | ||
| What brings us back at this point? | ||
| I'm fucking worried about America. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| I've never been worried about America until COVID. After COVID, I was like, oh, this might be the end. | ||
| This might be just like when you go to visit Greece and the Parthenon. | ||
| You're like, what happened? | ||
| Where's everybody? | ||
| You guys left behind this fucking dope-ass building. | ||
| They literally left it behind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This was the first photo released back in March when they first He looks remarkably chill, I have to say. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Look at the size of their arrows. | ||
| Their arrows are like seven feet long. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| I know I shouldn't be empathizing with these guys, but they look fucking awesome. | ||
| They look pretty badass. | ||
| They got fucking cool shorts. | ||
| You would not want to fuck with those dudes. | ||
| But they're pointing at random shit. | ||
| Look, they're looking down their scope. | ||
| Look where he's pointed to. | ||
| They're pointing at their friends. | ||
| Some of them are pointing at each other. | ||
| They're pointing at that log. | ||
| I shoot a log. | ||
| And this guy's shooting at the other guy's dick. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| And he's got his... | ||
| Oh, he's got good trigger discipline, though. | ||
| The guy pointing at his friends has good trigger discipline. | ||
| But the guy to his right, to his right, to the left, that guy's got his fucking... | ||
| I can see the tension in his finger from here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy looks awesome. | |
| He's so nervous. | ||
| He's like, I want to be cool. | ||
| They're like, Mark, you get the little gun. | ||
| We don't trust you with the fucking cool shit. | ||
| This guy in the blue jacket, man. | ||
| He lives in hell. | ||
| Brutal stuff. | ||
| Ten months of that? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| And how do they get you out without getting killed and them killing you? | ||
| It's probably really hard to do. | ||
| Because they realize how valuable it is to have some Westerner that they've got kidnapped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is the whole deal? | ||
| What do they want? | ||
| I'll try to find something out. | ||
| This is probably not gonna show it on this article. | ||
| What are the demands? | ||
| I was involved in talks to free a kidnapped Kiwi pilot. | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| Wow, this fucking guy's been there forever. | ||
| He's now been held hostage. | ||
| This was four months. | ||
| This was back in June. | ||
| He's been there since February 7th. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| The Westpapao National Independence Army kidnapped him February 7, demanding Indonesia recognize Westpapao's independence. | ||
| Oh, this guy's fucked. | ||
| He's fucked. | ||
| He's gonna die. | ||
| I was hoping maybe they'd want a couple fucking Hot Pockets, maybe some Nutter Butters. | ||
| Recognize our independence. | ||
| Oh, bro, you're gonna have to kill that white boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy's done, dude. | |
| That guy's done. | ||
| Yeah, he's got no chance. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Or you could just be like, alright, we did it. | ||
| Like, truly... | ||
| That's a promising picture. | ||
| Yeah, they're holding in. | ||
| Well, maybe they like the guy now. | ||
| I bet he's a cool dude. | ||
| He seems like a chill guy, to be honest with you. | ||
| Well, he probably legitimately is there trying to help people, so he's probably a good dude. | ||
| Which sucks even more that he got got. | ||
| Yeah, not some piece of shit. | ||
| Not some guy trying to start new slavery and pop up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Some guy who's over there trafficking Filipino girls. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Let him go. | ||
| Why don't they fake a news broadcast? | ||
| They probably have one flat screen TV, those guys. | ||
| Pop in a USB. You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet they're a lot more sophisticated than we think. | |
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| I think in this day and age, you can't pull the wool over anybody's eyes. | ||
| With cell phones? | ||
| I bet they have cell phones there. | ||
| 24 hours. | ||
| Let's pretend Wes, Papa, whatever the fuck is a real country. | ||
| I bet Elon put a fucking satellite right above him. | ||
| Yeah, let's do that. | ||
| Fucking beam in Wolf Blitzer being like, alright, they're a fucking country now. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That guy's free. | ||
| Alright, I've got this. | ||
| I'm in charge of this. | ||
| Here's the most recent update about his situation, because they think he's dead. | ||
| Some people think he's dead. | ||
| He's still alive, very healthy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I just received a message from our teamwork just a few minutes ago, and they said that he is still alive. | ||
| He's very healthy at the moment. | ||
| I don't know about very healthy. | ||
| Very healthy. | ||
| We, the Liberation Fighters, give him very good hospitality, which is if he needs some medication or water or food or whatever, they will always provide since they captured him in February. | ||
| We have our own humanitarian team inside the TPNPB so that team looks after him. | ||
| His well-being and welfare are top priority. | ||
| Yeah, because he's your bargaining play. | ||
| But the thing is like once this guy is dead, They're coming for these folks. | ||
| They're coming for these folks. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| If that was an American, I would imagine. | ||
| Joey would have them dead. | ||
| That would fucking rally the troops. | ||
| If we get SEAL Team just blowing motherfuckers up, everybody would be wearing GoPros. | ||
| They'd edit it awesome, like an action movie. | ||
| Well, they wouldn't even have to hit the ground. | ||
| I mean, there's no one else there but them. | ||
| They'd just fucking storm overhead in jets or just use drones. | ||
| For the optics, though. | ||
| The optics are pretty dope. | ||
| It's got to be a jacked guy with a huge beard. | ||
| I think the jacked guys with the huge beards go in after the initial detonations. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like the drones hit, boom, boom. | ||
| People are like... | ||
| They can't hear anything. | ||
| It's just smoke everywhere. | ||
| And then some fucking jacked seal with... | ||
| Yeah, an American flag tattoo on his fucking chest that's ripped. | ||
| Roka sunglasses on. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| Give him a fake wound, you know what I mean? | ||
| He's not hurt at all, but we fucking slice his uniform open. | ||
| And then an actor, a paid actor, one of the guys from Captain Phillips. | ||
| We get him to pretend he's one of them, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We fucking moon landing, moon landing 2.0. | |
| Yeah, total wrong accent, everything. | ||
| People are like, hey man, that guy sounds fucking Mexican. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. | ||
| Well, that's the thing with deep fakes. | ||
| They don't even have to fucking do that anymore. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Deep fakes are so nuts. | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| They're so nuts. | ||
| I was watching this Greta Thunberg deep fake one about electric vibrators. | ||
| I was like, this is so crazy. | ||
| I was watching Obama Ice Spice. | ||
| That was pretty good. | ||
| Talking about his big fat ass. | ||
| There's a Trump rap song out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's an AI Trump rap where Trump raps. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| I don't like that because it's taking jobs out of good Trump impersonators. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's money out of Shane's pocket. | ||
| AI has gone too far. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happens with that guy? | ||
| With who? | ||
| Shane? | ||
| Trump. | ||
| Trump? | ||
| Shane's doing great. | ||
| Shane's doing great. | ||
| He just bought a Mercedes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| I took him to the Mercedes dealership. | ||
| I was the fucking hype man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| I was in the backseat going, dude. | ||
| I was telling him about all the features. | ||
| Dude, the back wheel steer. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude, he was... | ||
| So I went... | ||
| When I was here last, when I was at the mothership, I... I just... | ||
| I wanted to hit the pool. | ||
| I was like, yo Shane, let's fucking hang out. | ||
| And he wasn't there. | ||
| He was like, you can just go hang out at my house. | ||
| I'm the first person to ever... | ||
| I was just alone in Shane's house doing fucking cannonballs into his pool looking at his car. | ||
| I was just like, go in. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Feel it. | ||
| His house is dope. | ||
| Dude, it's out of control. | ||
| It's very nice. | ||
| Beautiful place. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'm so happy for him. | ||
| I'm so happy he's here too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so awesome having him at the club all the time, working on new shit. | ||
| It's like, we got a great vibe there now. | ||
| Dude, the club fucking rules, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so fun. | |
| It's so awesome. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice to just pop in. | ||
| You got the fucking... | ||
| The Bottom of the Barrel show's fun. | ||
| You're just fucking riffing. | ||
| The crowds are always good. | ||
| Bottom of the Barrel show is literally like a factory for premises. | ||
| You know, even if you can't recreate the moment... | ||
| There's something in there. | ||
| Because a lot of times it's like there's a crazy moment that makes you go down a certain path. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But you have to figure out how to get to that. | ||
| Moment. | ||
| Yeah, well, when you're on stage, it's like, and you're not, you're only using, it's like survival mode. | ||
| So it's like, you haven't pre-thought of anything, and there's some deep part of your brain that just something awesome will come out of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 10% of the time. | ||
| Yeah, but that's enough. | ||
| But that 10% is fucking, that's some good shit right there. | ||
| Every now and then. | ||
| Yeah, I got two last week that are like legit, that I'm like watering them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, okay, you're gonna be a tree someday, little Billy. | |
| Come on, little buddy. | ||
| Put a little splint in it, one of the leafs is going fucking... | ||
| It's the most fun thing in comedy, is the new bits, new premises. | ||
| Making something work. | ||
| It's the only thing that feels good. | ||
| It's like even being like, you know, even a sold-out theater, it's cool, but a new joke in a shitty bar feels ten times better than selling out a 3,000 seat theater. | ||
| Yeah, when something cracks for the first time and you realize you got something, you're like, oh boy. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Because there's this process of creation that's just so weird. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| One day I'm going to run out of new ideas. | ||
| One day I'm going to run out of new jokes. | ||
| I'm going to be like those guys that just have the same material for 50 years. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And that was what it... | ||
| I mean, it does feel weird because it's like... | ||
| I do feel like... | ||
| The last 10 years, there's been a real shift in, like, you just gotta fucking be putting shit out. | ||
| Well, there's so much content out there, and there's also so many people that come to comedy now. | ||
| I don't think comedy has ever been bigger. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| There's way more comics selling out arenas. | ||
| There's way more comics that have specials. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For example, Fat Rascal on Netflix, December 5th. | ||
| Oh my god, that comes out tomorrow. | ||
| That comes out tomorrow, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stavos! | |
| That's Fat Rascal. | ||
| Shot here in the beautiful Paramount Theater. | ||
| Great fucking theater. | ||
| Really fucking awesome. | ||
| Cool old school theater. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It was fucking insane. | ||
| Houdini's hooks are up there. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Houdini performed there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| No, it was crazy. | ||
| Wow, I didn't know Houdini came to Austin. | ||
| Houdini was out there, dude. | ||
| Houdini hit the road like Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Fat Rascal. | ||
| You look like Ron Jeremy, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| A little bit. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I have that vibe. | ||
| Kind of a lot. | ||
| That's the, you know, Ron Jeremy with maybe one-eighth of the penis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's kind of what we're going for there. | |
| It is tough to be compared to a guy who was historically ugly, but his saving grace was a huge dick and my dick is little. | ||
| Not a great... | ||
| Well, I think back then, porn stars, they wanted him to be ugly so that guys didn't feel bad. | ||
| Didn't feel threatened. | ||
| Some good-looking guy. | ||
| Like, if you're at home whacking off and some good-looking guy is getting laid, you're like, fuck him. | ||
| Who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Who does he think he is? | ||
| Look at him with a six-pack piece of shit. | ||
| You want a guy who looks like Ron Jeremy. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Maybe we can take it to the next level. | ||
| Maybe there's little dick porn has to start now. | ||
| I think they already have that in other countries. | ||
| You mean just all Japanese porn? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| I didn't say that. | ||
| You did. | ||
| Boy, I don't know why you said that. | ||
| I felt it. | ||
| You know what's weird about Japanese porn is they have to blur out the dicks and the vaginas. | ||
| They blur out penetration. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I mean, what are you protecting by making confusion as to whether or not someone's... | ||
| I mean, you really don't have to have any real porn because it's all blurred out. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I will say I have jacked off to the blurred out porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| And it's not... | ||
| Did you have no other choice? | ||
| Could your hard drive crash? | ||
| Sometimes I'm in the zone, Joe. | ||
| Sometimes you want to switch it up, you know? | ||
| I like a big pillowy Asian titty to jack off to, you know? | ||
| And you want to get those straight from the source, you know? | ||
| You want to get Japanese stuff. | ||
| They're making cool noises. | ||
| You don't want someone who's been BBL'd in the titties. | ||
| Listen, I didn't say that. | ||
| I'm just saying I want it all. | ||
| Give me a sampler pack. | ||
| A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little bit of authentic. | ||
| Grass-fed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Authentic cuisine. | |
| Yeah, you want to go to Chinatown sometimes to want Chinese food. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want Panda Express. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| You want to get the real deal. | ||
| A little Panda Express will hit the spot. | ||
| It's not bad every now and then if you're at the mall and you want some orange chicken. | ||
| If you're at the mall getting your dick sucked by a Zara employee in the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Just taking the metaphor to its logical conclusion. | ||
| Go as far as you can go with it. | ||
| I support your thought process. | ||
| But yeah, I will, I don't know, sometimes I feel worldly jacking off to Japanese porn. | ||
| You know, like watching a foreign film. | ||
| Like a guy who like, yeah, a guy who brags about reading old books. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| It's like watching a Godard film or whatever, you know? | ||
| When I first met Callan, first time I ever went over to his apartment, he leaves books laying out as if he's reading them. | ||
| Like he had like Steinbeck of Mice and Men. | ||
| And I go, hey, motherfucker, I know you're not reading this. | ||
| Also, that's when you read in high school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His eyebrows raised, he goes, I do read it. | |
| I go, you don't, do you? | ||
| You want people to think you're interesting. | ||
| So you leave these books out. | ||
| You do, right? | ||
| By people, I mean girls. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You want girls to think you're interesting, so you leave these books out, pretending that you're worldly. | ||
| You know what's so funny? | ||
| Is that I have an e-reader thing, and I was reading You know, some book about, like I was reading like about Goodfellas or like, you know, some trashy like, or not even trashy, but like a detective thing. | ||
| And then I switched it up to like, you know, something smart on the outside. | ||
| Some shit about like civil rights or something like that. | ||
| You can switch it on the outside? | ||
| You can switch it on the outside. | ||
| I've done that before. | ||
| What does the outside look like? | ||
| It's just like a screen. | ||
| There's an outside screen, too? | ||
| Yeah, just the screen, right, of the e-reader, and it'll just show what you're reading. | ||
| And I was reading, like I said, some fucking book about, you know, oh, I was reading about the Phoenix Sun, Seven Seconds or Less. | ||
| I read a lot of basketball books, you know, that kind of shit. | ||
| And then a girl was coming, and I was like... | ||
| Let's do some fucking... | ||
| I don't even know what I had. | ||
| Some book I started, never even finished. | ||
| I was like, let's get this bad boy. | ||
| Let's pretend I'm smart. | ||
| Or even like shit girls like, like a Murakami book, you know? | ||
| What's a Murakami book? | ||
| He's good, dude. | ||
| Those are good books. | ||
| They're like dreamy Japanese book. | ||
| Back to the Japanese thing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a book about... | ||
| The guy does a lot of like magic... | ||
| It's like some magical realism shit. | ||
| It's all about... | ||
| It's always like a guy... | ||
| There's always an insane woman who has BPD, and it's always some nerd. | ||
| And in the book, the nerd always fucks the girl really well. | ||
| I don't know what that is about. | ||
| Check it out, man. | ||
| These are Men Without Women. | ||
| Haruki Murakami. | ||
| Great stuff. | ||
| What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. | ||
| I haven't read that one. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Norwegian Wood. | ||
| Norwegian Wood's good. | ||
| I know that guy. | ||
| I've seen his work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's blurred out, but it's good. | ||
| He's the reason why Ron Jeremy had a career. | ||
| Yeah, just some blonde 6'4 guy. | ||
| Some Fabio-looking motherfucker with a giant hog. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, and Norwegian Wood, he fucks two. | ||
| He fucks an old lady and a young woman. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shows you what I'm getting out of literature, by the way. | ||
| It's just that it looks like... | ||
| There's some fucking like professor listening to this like that guy's dumb as shit. | ||
| That's what he gets out of Murakami, but what can I say? | ||
| Hey. | ||
| They're nice dreamlike books. | ||
| Art is open to interpretation. | ||
| Different people get different things. | ||
| I'm a simple man. | ||
| I see things through one lens. | ||
| You should be you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You need to be those motherfuckers. | ||
| How many professors have you ever met that are happy? | ||
| They seem perpetually conflicted and tortured. | ||
| Just the ones who fuck their students, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| And they can't do that anymore. | ||
| That was like the main reason to be a professor. | ||
| Back in the Feynman days, those guys all banged their graduate students. | ||
| That was like part of the thing. | ||
| You get these really hot 22-year-old students that are enamored by this amazing professor with his PhD. | ||
| Full library of books that he probably hasn't read even. | ||
| He actually probably has read them, which is even more incredible. | ||
| He's not running a scam. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's the payoff. | ||
| Yeah, you think in the application process or the interview process, they're like, look, we can't offer you that much money, but here's a picture of all the girls that got in this year. | ||
| Here's how good. | ||
| Here's the quality. | ||
| No, not only do they get paid well, they get tenure. | ||
| So they can't even get fired. | ||
| But I bet they can get fired now if they bang their students. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Also, I feel like higher... | ||
| Yeah, I think higher ed in general is fucked. | ||
| When do you think they stopped banging their students? | ||
| Was it the same time they stopped fucking kids? | ||
| Definitely after that. | ||
| I think that was like... | ||
| More recent? | ||
| I think that was more recent. | ||
| I think people are still picking their spots and fucking their students. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Grads... | ||
| I think it's up to grad student now, though. | ||
| I don't think you can fuck an undergrad. | ||
| When I was in high school, my friend, she was 17. She was dating a Spanish teacher. | ||
| I mean, that guy should go to jail. | ||
| He was cool. | ||
| He was the cool Spanish teacher. | ||
| Oh, he was bringing in paella. | ||
| He was like 25. I mean, relatively, the age gap wasn't that big. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Still, she's a student at the school. | ||
| Yeah, but she was a little predator. | ||
| Yeah, she was. | ||
| Yeah, I think at that time, that's the last hurrah of the Hades. | ||
| Once people started reading about the effects of it, like, hey. | ||
| This is kind of strange. | ||
| Yeah, what do you... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Maybe fuck a 21-year-old. | ||
| Yeah, and also, if you're a teacher... | ||
| And you can affect their grades. | ||
| How often does that happen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That must have been a big factor. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Big factor. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You're a professor, and if you're banging a student, you give her A's? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seems, you know. | ||
| And if she's a sociopath, and she just wants to get ahead no matter what. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, there's definitely... | ||
| It's the thing where you're like, the guy's gotta stop it, because it's like, yeah, just because somebody wants to fuck you doesn't mean it's right. | ||
| Well, it's also, like, if you're a professor, and you're just... | ||
| I mean, literally, that's like you're setting up their career. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you hold... | ||
| You just hold too much juice over whether or not they're gonna get an A, and whether or not that's gonna allow... | ||
| Yeah, the power dynamics are all fucked. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's also corruption. | ||
| Because, like... | ||
| Without a doubt, there has been grades that were given to people that professors fucked that they didn't deserve. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| Without question. | ||
| I need to do zero research to make this confidently. | ||
| Yeah, I'm with you. | ||
| I'm doubling down. | ||
| Yeah, so that alone. | ||
| It's like, imagine if you hire someone for a firm, and you're like, look, she's got straight A's. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then she gets into the job, and she's like, she's a moron. | ||
| Like, what happened? | ||
| She fucked everybody. | ||
| Maybe that's the pay gap. | ||
| You know, it started there. | ||
| There was an ad from, like, the 1950s about a secretary, and it was something about, uh, has your boss been ignoring you? | ||
| Maybe you needed to change your smell and, like, put different fucking deodorant on and shit. | ||
| But literally they were advertising that a secretary's, like, that that was the goal, that a secretary had. | ||
| You tried to get the boss to fall in love with him. | ||
| Get a husband. | ||
| Yeah, going to college and being a secretary for a while was just like, all right, if you don't graduate with an English degree and a husband, you fucking wasted your four years. | ||
| I wonder if we're going to look back in the future about women entering into the workforce and, like, being forced to do... | ||
| If anyone's going to make a long-term analysis of the shift in culture that that brought about. | ||
| Because it's pretty... | ||
| Between that and birth control. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So those two things... | ||
| Just changed the options for women. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Entirely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you know, every time you have sex, you don't have to worry about getting knocked up. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Imagine if you're a woman, like a guy just wants to fuck, and you're like, I'm not, I don't think we should do this. | ||
| You don't have a condom. | ||
| It's like, don't worry about it. | ||
| I'll pull out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And meanwhile, you might have all fucking human life grow inside you. | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
| And he's going to whack off six hours from now. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He's just trying to get rid of loads. | ||
| Just trying to get, yeah, trying to get the poison out. | ||
| And if you're a guy, and, you know, when back in those days, when, I mean, you gotta imagine, it's hard for us to even contextualize what it must have been like before birth control. | ||
| And then there's the other thing. | ||
| The birth control pill is fucking terrible for them. | ||
| Terrible for them. | ||
| No, I know a lot of my friends will just go off, they'll just be like, it's not worth it. | ||
| Like, if you get out of your early 20s, no kid, you're like, alright. | ||
| I can't do this to my fucking body anymore. | ||
| Well, it changes the way you view the world. | ||
| It changes the way what women are attracted to. | ||
| It changes everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're ingesting a pill that tricks your body into thinking you're already pregnant, which is just nuts. | ||
| So you're walking around perpetually pregnant. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you just want, like, to feel safe, I guess. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I mean, it's got to have some... | ||
| I mean, there must be a way to... | ||
| I mean, with really intelligent women to rationalize and understand what's going on. | ||
| But for a lot of them, that shift in the hormonal balance, it has a significant impact on what you do. | ||
| No, that totally makes sense. | ||
| I wonder why the fuck we don't have any, like, sign me up for the guy pill. | ||
| You don't want the guy pill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me be able to bust. | |
| Why? | ||
| Because the guy pill kills your testosterone. | ||
| They gave a guy pill and it turned a guy trans. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| Your shoulders slump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Would my tits get awesome? | ||
| Your tits would get great. | ||
| They'd be juicy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could fucking squirt on the lens. | |
| I feel like there's no other way. | ||
| Was there like some fake vasectomy shit you could do? | ||
| Well, there's a real vasectomy that you can do. | ||
| Guys can get their tubes tied, and they supposedly can put them back together again. | ||
| But it's not 100%. | ||
| It might be scar tissue. | ||
| And you don't want a freeze nut. | ||
| Frozen nuts not coming out thawed nice. | ||
| What kind of psychopath baby are you going to have with frozen nuts? | ||
| This baby's been frozen. | ||
| Moving slow. | ||
| Frozen for 30 years. | ||
| Frostbitten. | ||
| Bro, have you ever read in there how many doctors use their own jizz in fertility clinics? | ||
| Crazy, dude. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| What's even the fucking... | ||
| The psychology of that is insane to me. | ||
| I mean, I guess... | ||
| Because it's like, you think it's an animalistic thing to want to spread your seed, right? | ||
| On some evolutionary level. | ||
| But we've taken... | ||
| You're eight steps away from that, right? | ||
| Where you're not even getting... | ||
| Like, I could see... | ||
| The weird trying to fuck your patients. | ||
| Meanwhile, they don't even want to know the kids. | ||
| That's even more insane. | ||
| They just literally want their shit out there. | ||
| Well, Brett Weinstein, who's an evolutionary biologist, he explained to me the difference between beautiful and hot. | ||
| He goes, you know the difference between beautiful and hot? | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| There's a difference? | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| He goes, hot is someone that's not going to require anything from you. | ||
| You could just have sex with them right away. | ||
| And that, from an evolutionary perspective, gives you an opportunity to spread your seed without having any sort of commitment. | ||
| Whereas beautiful is someone that you want to settle down with and commit with. | ||
| Renaissance painting. | ||
| Little chubby lady in the corner, you know what I mean? | ||
| Sweet face. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think, you know, that thing, that was lost on me. | ||
| I never even thought about that before. | ||
| Yeah, I guess I consider like hot... | ||
| More almost, like, dangerous on some level, too. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like the Megan Fox archetype of, like, almost evil. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I'm a little scared. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| She's got, like, a... | ||
| No, tell me what you mean. | ||
| Okay, so you ever seen... | ||
| Okay, she's got, like, the features where it's, like, if she was a villain in something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, Jennifer's Body, that horror movie. | ||
| She was perfect for it. | ||
| Because it's, like, there is an edge to her. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's, like, an edge to someone who has, like... | ||
| Who has like, you know, like almost femme fatale, but like not trying to hide what she is. | ||
| She's just like so just, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I just see something. | ||
| Scarlett Johansson has that. | ||
| Did you ever see that alien movie that she did? | ||
| I think it's called Under the Skin. | ||
| Oh, I haven't seen it. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| She can definitely turn it on. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| But she also has kind of like softer features, too. | ||
| There's like an angular thing. | ||
| Angelina Jolie, maybe. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's an angular thing to it. | ||
| There's almost like, I guess, the Black Widow feel to it. | ||
| Where it's like man-eater. | ||
| This kind of thing where it's like... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch out, boy. | |
| She'll chew you up. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| A song that two gay guys wrote. | ||
| The Scarlett Johansson movie. | ||
| Those guys are in a legal battle with each other. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That's a shame. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sad. | |
| Hall and Oates. | ||
| If they can't get along, who can? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Hall and Oates are going to court. | ||
| Some nice, easy listening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How's Hall and Oates fighting? | ||
| That sucks, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that Scarlett Johansson movie, she plays an alien that kills people. | ||
| An alien that kills guys. | ||
| So she seduces these guys and kills them. | ||
| Oh, I love that. | ||
| Classic. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| It's very original. | ||
| Very interesting movie. | ||
| I haven't seen that one. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Is it called Under the Skin? | ||
| Show a clip of it. | ||
| She is insanely hot. | ||
| She's insanely hot. | ||
| She's hot in the really intelligent, hot woman category. | ||
| But you know, she almost straddle. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| But there's a softness. | ||
| I guess big titties is also what I'm talking about. | ||
| Round nose. | ||
| I guess I'm thinking about a sharp nose. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're thinking of Nazis. | ||
| Some bitch in leather. | ||
| She's going to put a ball gag in my mouth. | ||
| With one of those SS helmets on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh shit. | |
| Sounds pretty cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh damn. | ||
| So she assimilates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| So you live alone? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You think I'm pretty? | ||
| I'm gorgeous. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I would be toast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so sorry. | |
| So she picks up these guys and takes them home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come to me. | |
| Well, what the fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty interesting movie. | |
| It would be so easy to track me. | ||
| It would be so easy to track me. | ||
| It just shows you, like, if aliens wanted to take over, they would just have to be hot women. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Hot manipulative women. | ||
| And that's the thing. | ||
| It's like, yeah, just a hot woman. | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| She's not even, like, that evil thing I'm talking about because that would almost be too on the nose. | ||
| You want just, like, a hot... | ||
| Nice woman who's just like... | ||
| Hot, a little bit soft. | ||
| A little bit soft. | ||
| She has a little softness to her. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You don't want the angular thing because that would... | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I would still get trapped. | ||
| But going into it, I'd be like, I'm probably going to die. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You'd go into it going, she's probably a Nazi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at her face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at those perfect cheeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the Aryan race defined. | |
| Yeah, I mean, the places I've gone for head are so scary. | ||
| Like, the fucking back... | ||
| I hooked up this one girl I didn't know at all off the internet who was like... | ||
| I was like, what's your address? | ||
| And she was like, let me just drop you a pin. | ||
| And I had to go through, like, an alley into a back entrance. | ||
| Did you worry you were getting set up? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And at the same time, I was like... | ||
| I hope I don't get fucking killed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I didn't stop. | |
| And then I went and I fucked her. | ||
| It was cool. | ||
| But I was like, damn, thank God. | ||
| This would have been so easy. | ||
| So many different ways to get abducted. | ||
| I'm sure guys are getting got like that all the time. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| People getting robbed off Tinder. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| What's the, like, a scary young Boston Joe... | ||
| You ever go into like a fucking scary place to get sucked off? | ||
| No, I'm lucky I never had. | ||
| You were a girlfriend guy? | ||
| I never had a situation where I was like going into a dangerous situation for sex. | ||
| Never. | ||
| You were a cute kid. | ||
| I was pretty cute. | ||
| I was boy friendly. | ||
| Boy handsome. | ||
| Boy pretty. | ||
| A little Freudian slip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boy friendly. | |
| It's all that pop out New Guinea talk. | ||
| You had those soft lips? | ||
| I've seen that little pic of you with the fucking earring, the earring in the leather jacket. | ||
| That's not good for comedy though. | ||
| I'm funnier being ugly. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, when you get older, you're funnier. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's like Matt Reif. | ||
| He takes a lot of shit because he's too beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, tough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tall, handsome, perfect hair. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's too handsome. | ||
| A handsome Squidward jaw. | ||
| People shit on him for zero reason. | ||
| For being sexy. | ||
| If he was a little guy with glasses doing the same act, no one would be mad at him. | ||
| Yeah, but he wouldn't get as much attention though. | ||
| Probably wouldn't. | ||
| That's the double-edged sword, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like a bunch of horny women aren't coming out to a nebbishy, to 20-year-old Ari that you met with Matt Reif's act. | ||
| He's not selling out fucking arenas. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| He's got that going for him. | ||
| The audience is like half milfs. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It's a MILF thing. | ||
| I might put it over half. | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot of these older ladies. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're still hot. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Like a hot grandma. | ||
| I love a hot grandma. | ||
| A hot 46-year-old grandma is pretty hard to beat. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Had them young. | ||
| Teen mom. | ||
| Teen mom whose kid also had kids at 18. And now she sees that young Matt Reif. | ||
| She's like, mmm, yummy. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I think that is who gets MILFs. | ||
| MILFs are not into me. | ||
| I do get a... | ||
| It's younger women are into me just because I think it's like the MILFs want a little handsome to feel like young again. | ||
| And I think like hot younger women want like... | ||
| Fun. | ||
| Just a fun... | ||
| They want laughs. | ||
| Little daddy thing too. | ||
| You're a big fat piece of shit. | ||
| They like that. | ||
| The thing about comics though, I think the big one is that they're funny. | ||
| And that's what's attractive. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| What's the percentage of women that are funny? | ||
| It's a smaller percentage than guys. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| For whatever the reason. | ||
| There's funny women out there, don't get me wrong, but we're just being honest. | ||
| We have to grade on a curve. | ||
| It's probably getting... | ||
| It goes back to the whole what we were talking about with secretaries and shit, right? | ||
| Up until very recently, You kind of had to play a subservient role where if you were funnier than a guy, you had to hide it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You weren't rewarded for it until probably 20 years ago. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| What about rich women? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When rich women start dating guys who have regular jobs, what is that? | ||
| That's got to be insane. | ||
| I bet you some of them like it. | ||
| I think because the women who are like- I bet they like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think the dude likes it? | ||
| If he knows what's good for him, sign me up, dude. | ||
| Let me be a kept man. | ||
| That sounds fucking awesome. | ||
| But the thing is, if the man has his own dreams of greatness... | ||
| Overrated. | ||
| Over-fucking-rated. | ||
| Let me suck on a pair of freshly redone titties. | ||
| Let me tend to the pool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Let me fucking throw on some fucking cocoa melon with our son. | ||
| It's your job to scoop the dog shit. | ||
| Happily. | ||
| With a fucking smile on my face, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| I would love a high-powered woman who's just like, doesn't, isn't, thinks comedy's stupid. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You would like that? | ||
| I think I would. | ||
| What if she started telling you to stop going on? | ||
| No, I couldn't do that. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what comedy stupid leads to. | ||
| But I would be like... | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| A friend of mine is having that issue right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Hot, hot girlfriend. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And she's like, you don't need to go out tonight. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I do, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's like, but you went out last night. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Yeah, it's the job. | ||
| This is how I get better. | ||
| I have to... | ||
| You can come with me. | ||
| Maybe this. | ||
| Not stupid, but... | ||
| Would prefer if I... Doesn't mind the work ethic, but thinks it's like, you know, a low... | ||
| Like, doesn't have any, like, respect for the art form. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| A lot of people don't have respect for the art form. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It wouldn't be hard to find. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that would be easy. | |
| A rich woman doesn't... | ||
| Comedy is one of, like, the most disparaged art forms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very odd in that it's one of the most difficult things to do. | ||
| It's one of the most widely enjoyed things. | ||
| Very enjoyable, yeah. | ||
| Very enjoyed. | ||
| Like, people fucking love comedy, but... | ||
| No one takes it seriously. | ||
| When you see someone who's a serious musician, there's just a level of respect for an elite guitarist. | ||
| Like fucking Stevie Ray Vaughan or Gary Clark Jr. There's a level of respect like, wow, that motherfucker, they know their craft. | ||
| Technically gifted. | ||
| Yeah, they have their craft. | ||
| Whereas with comedy, the problem is we're doing something that everybody does, which is talking. | ||
| Talking. | ||
| Everyone thinks they can do it, you know what I mean? | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A friend of mine's been bringing it up lately, and I'm like, no. | ||
| That's funny to be friends with you and be like, I could do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| His friend's not even an open-miker. | ||
| But everything he ever says that he thinks is funny, he laughs at his own shit, and it's terrible. | ||
| Yeah, always. | ||
| Like, dude. | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| I mean, also, it's like, I love comedy. | ||
| It's the thing I, you know, my whole life has been dedicated to it. | ||
| But I also understand, I respect a guitarist more than a comedian. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, they're right. | ||
| Well, they practice. | ||
| Exactly, dude. | ||
| They actually practice when no one's around. | ||
| A fine artist, like, I respect them more than fucking comedy. | ||
| And I love that, though. | ||
| I think it should be the low... | ||
| I like that we're the lowest form of show business. | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| We're fucking idiots. | ||
| I mean, we are dumb as fuck. | ||
| We have, like, a type... | ||
| Some of us have a type of intelligence or, like... | ||
| Like, I think what I like is, like, emotional intelligence. | ||
| I can pick up on people. | ||
| But I'm not fucking reading books anymore. | ||
| Most of my mind... | ||
| I think my brain is essentially like a tachometer. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Like, I can redline that bitch. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, if I have scientists and I have to have discussions with them, or if there's something serious that I have to debate about with someone, I can redline it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But for the most part, I'm cruising on the highway at a steady 2,500 RPMs. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I'm a golf cart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just going like a... | |
| Hey guys, how we doing? | ||
| Let me tell you about what time my dick didn't get hard. | ||
| That's what I'm doing. | ||
| Whenever I think of golf carts, I think of Jackie Gleason. | ||
| I do not know why. | ||
| There's a photo of Jackie Gleason on a golf cart. | ||
| His golf cart had a cooler built into it. | ||
| Sick. | ||
| And Jackie Gleason just liked to play golf and get lit. | ||
| That's what he did all the time. | ||
| That's a nice way to be. | ||
| See if you can find the photo of Jackie Gleason. | ||
| I don't know why, but this photo. | ||
| This is it right here. | ||
| Whenever I think of golf carts, I think of that photo. | ||
| That's a shit version. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Jackie fucking Gleason. | ||
| Look at this golf cart! | ||
| Oh, it's a Rolls Royce golf cart! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this golf cart! | |
| Respect. | ||
| Look at this golf with an American flag on it. | ||
| What a guy. | ||
| Not even an American flag, is that the first... | ||
| Is that the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the first 13 colonies. | |
| It said he oozes self-satisfaction, which is hilarious. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him! | |
| He's got the horns! | ||
| He's got the horns on his windshield! | ||
| That's what I want my life to be like. | ||
| And listen, man, that guy got drunk constantly. | ||
| He was just always lit. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| He was always having a good time. | ||
| Jackie Gleason had a good fucking time. | ||
| Let me hear something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
After four or five of these good heavens, a spectator yelled out, and he said, when you play as good as that heavens, it has nothing to do with it. | |
| Please? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He played good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a really good pool player. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Like an elite level pool player. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| He's in the movie The Hustler. | ||
| Love that movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In 1963. And he's the only guy I've ever seen like that. | ||
| That's just an actor. | ||
| That when you see him play pool, you don't get offended. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because I watch him make balls. | ||
| I'm like, oh, that guy's got a slip stroke. | ||
| He's like a real player. | ||
| Dude, it's so funny. | ||
| Get a TV! That's amazing! | ||
| A fucking Sony TV built in it. | ||
| A TV with dials in it. | ||
| Probably black and white. | ||
| Hell yeah, dude. | ||
| So I can watch the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Layshawn. | |
| I got this connected to the girls' bathroom. | ||
| Nice! | ||
| He's got a CB in there. | ||
| He's got a cooler. | ||
| Look at that shit. | ||
| I mean, that's beautiful. | ||
| That's retirement, dude. | ||
| That's an electric cooler built into his fucking golf cart. | ||
| Smoking cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the little mustache! | |
| Got the stache. | ||
| Let me hear some volume of Jackie. | ||
| Let me hear some volume of the great one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I do to Hope when I play Bob Hope. | |
| I drive up in this and that shakes him a little bit. | ||
| Then I show him the gold clubs. | ||
| It says the great one. | ||
| It says the great one on his clubs. | ||
| Go back. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The great one. | ||
| Flexaholic, dude. | ||
| The fucking club literally says the great one on it. | ||
| That's so fucking sick. | ||
| JG, the great one. | ||
| Gold clubs. | ||
| That's a Ric Flair ad lib. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| You know, the amazing thing in The Hustler, he doesn't even talk hardly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he has a few lines, but he just plays this stoic pool player who's the best pool player in the world. | ||
| Fats, what's his name? | ||
| Minnesota Fats. | ||
| Minnesota Fats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I love that movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a guy, like a real pool player named Minnesota Fats who just stole the name. | ||
| He was a hustler. | ||
| The Minnesota Fats, the guy who you see, like, he would be in these, like, exhibitions against, like, Willie Moscone back in the day. | ||
| His real name was New York Fats. | ||
| They used to call him New York Fats. | ||
| And then the movie came out and he was like, that movie's about me. | ||
| And he changed his name to Minnesota Fats. | ||
| Smart man. | ||
| Worked smarter, not harder. | ||
| Like Rick Ross, basically. | ||
| The rapper Rick Ross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| The real Freeway Ricky Ross. | ||
| Freeway Ricky Ross. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Freeway Ricky Ross tried to sue him because he's using his name. | ||
| He said, nope. | ||
| Rick Ross, honestly, how he got away with everything is awesome. | ||
| The real Rick Ross. | ||
| Both. | ||
| Both. | ||
| I think, well, Ricky Ross is crazy. | ||
| He was selling for the CIA, wasn't he? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Bro, he didn't even know how to read until he got into fucking jail. | ||
| That's so awesome. | ||
| Became a jailhouse lawyer and then realized once he was in jail that they had tried him for three strikes based on one case and you can't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| It has to be three separate times you were arrested so he got out. | ||
| So sick. | ||
| Yeah, he got himself out. | ||
| So sick. | ||
| Didn't know how to read. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And he was a killer tennis player. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Freeway Ricky Ross. | ||
| Did he pick that up in jail too? | ||
| No, when he was younger. | ||
| He was like a killer tennis player. | ||
| But like what future does he have? | ||
| He lives in Compton. | ||
| So he starts selling drugs and didn't know that he was selling it for the fucking CIA to fund the Sandinistas versus the Contras. | ||
| That's so fucking hilarious, dude. | ||
| Wild, man. | ||
| And then you got Rick Ross who was a fucking, he was a prison guard. | ||
| That's what I'm saying is like, he, because he's so good at lying and rapping and just like, you hear Rick Ross rapping and you're like, that's Jackie Gleason on a fucking golf cart. | ||
| That's fucking gold. | ||
| Marble clubs. | ||
| He's just talking about all this crazy shit. | ||
| And 50 Cent, who's the best troll of all time, he's so funny, he thought he was destroying everyone he was up against. | ||
| He's up against Rick Ross, who's stealing a real drug dealer's name, was a literal cop. | ||
| 50 Cent had the pictures of him in his little uniform. | ||
| Rick Ross was just good enough at fucking rapping. | ||
| It didn't fucking matter. | ||
| He's so good at fucking, you know, luxurious rap. | ||
| Have you ever made love to the woman in your dreams in a room full of money out in London as she screams? | ||
| That's a fucking Rick Ross line. | ||
| That's fucking beautiful, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| A room full of money in London. | ||
| It's like Tony Hinchcliffe had this bit that he used to do about Michael Jackson. | ||
| And he goes, Michael Jackson was so good, when Beat It came on, you didn't give a fuck about those kids. | ||
| And it's true. | ||
| It is, yeah. | ||
| There hasn't been a single artist in all of history that was accused by multiple people of pedophilia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We all knew he had kids spend the night over his house. | ||
| It was all sick and weird. | ||
| Yeah, really fucked up. | ||
| He literally turned his fucking house into a honeypot for kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| The Cat Waves kit is so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Where he's like, I have shit in my house that bitches like. | ||
| He was like, I don't like silk pillowcases, but bitches do. | ||
| And then he's like, now what does Michael's house have? | ||
| It's just like a Ferris wheel. | ||
| He's like, who do you think he's trying to fuck? | ||
| I know. | ||
| People were giving him so much shit about that bit. | ||
| Dude, that, first of all, that might be my favorite special of all time because he's just... | ||
| Is that Pimp Chronicles? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he just comes out in the green. | ||
| In the middle of it, he dances to his own song on Dipset. | ||
| Just in the middle of it. | ||
| Little John comes out. | ||
| He's fucking crushing it. | ||
| And it's a shorter special, but he's got the fucking turbo button. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| He's crushing the whole time. | ||
| The act-outs are out of control. | ||
| Everything is so good. | ||
| And in that special is my favorite Michael Jackson bit and my favorite bit about the Iraq War, where he's just like, what does the Iraq Army's uniform look like? | ||
| I'll wait, tell me. | ||
| And then he's talking about how insurgents, he's like, we're killing motherfuckers in flip-flops, sweatpants. | ||
| And it's a bit in between two bits. | ||
| Like, it's almost in the side. | ||
| And it is literally as good as any political comic, because he just gets to the fucking heart of the matter. | ||
| That special's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| Yeah, he had a run. | ||
| He had a run for a few years when he was on the top. | ||
| And he still, that's the thing, it's like, maybe culturally it's not what it used to be, but from, like, the numbers, like, people still fucking watch Cat Williams a ton, dude. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's just, I'm saying, like... | ||
| Oh, yeah, he was on fire. | ||
| Yeah, he was on fire. | ||
| Pimp crime. | ||
| Truly that special. | ||
| I thought, you know, I go back and forth, but that... | ||
| I mean, it's on the Mount Rushmore for me of just like... | ||
| It's pretty damn good. | ||
| And it captured something. | ||
| It's so, you know, of that 2000s era of like... | ||
| You know, that's what I... Yeah, I mean... | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He looks incredible. | ||
| Look at that jacket. | ||
| Give me some of this volume. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sweat your perm out his own song in the middle of a special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| Oh yeah, this is about baseball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the middle of a special. | |
| Look at the size of his belt buckle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Look at that belt buckle. | ||
| Look at those knees. | ||
| The man's a dancer. | ||
| Well, you can move like that when you weigh 130 pounds. | ||
| It's quite a bit easier. | ||
| He's just in the middle of a special. | ||
| And it doesn't stop him at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, imagine. - Can you get it out, Jack? | |
| He came out with a tiger once. | ||
| Did you ever see that special? | ||
| No, that's awesome. | ||
| He had a special with a tiger in a cage behind him. | ||
| Was it a tiger or a lion? | ||
| Some giant-ass cat. | ||
| Think about how hard it would be to follow Little John in the height of his fame. | ||
| Coming out in the middle of a bit. | ||
| Cat Williams doesn't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| Well, he wants him there. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's such a flex. | ||
| This isn't going to affect me at all. | ||
| I'm in total control of all you motherfuckers. | ||
| And by the way, you can tell, I think he shot that in one go. | ||
| There's no multiple shows. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| He was on top. | ||
| So fucking good. | ||
| But yeah, that Michael Jackson bit he did was so fucking good, and he was just the man. | ||
| And it's cool, because he's also a great actor. | ||
| When he was in fucking Atlanta, he was fucking awesome. | ||
| I never saw any of that. | ||
| Atlanta's a great show. | ||
| He's just got so much depth, and he's such an interesting person. | ||
| Imagine coming back from getting in a fight with a child. | ||
| By like a middle schooler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's like, he's doing arenas like two years later. | ||
| Everyone's like, well, that's it for Kat. | ||
| That one time when he's just completely destroying that some woman on the radio. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| She is trying to go after him in the softest way possible. | ||
| And he is demolished. | ||
| It's like when he was coming back from his troubles and shit like that. | ||
| And this woman has no idea what she's doing. | ||
| He's just calling. | ||
| He's like, fuck, I forget what it is. | ||
| But it's like him on, I don't remember what radio show, but it's like. | ||
| So they took a caller? | ||
| No, she's like a host. | ||
| And he's like, you know, he's just fucking being chill, whatever. | ||
| And it's just like, he's just such a genuine guy that you can't shake him. | ||
| And he's funny. | ||
| He's so fucking funny. | ||
| What are you thinking? | ||
| This woman, I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember what he said to her. | ||
| It's, you know, if you can find it, Jamie, but like, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in terms of like just destroying a woman. | ||
| Destroying. | ||
| That's the only reason to go on one of those radio shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, Sam does it where he goes on morning shows and talks about how each... | ||
| Yes, this is it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, give me. | |
| Kellyn's versus Wanda Smith. | ||
| My hair is 19 inches long and I have no perm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not a perm. | |
| No, it is not. | ||
| Come run one of your gnarled fingers. | ||
| Gnarled? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They don't have to. | ||
| I don't want them to. | ||
| Get on out of here. | ||
| You okay? | ||
| Gnarled fingers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're old. | |
| His clothes are old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't matter. | |
| I want to apologize to the people at Versace Collection. | ||
| This is your 2019 summer line that hasn't come out. | ||
| We're going to a break real quick. | ||
| He's got old ass clothes. | ||
| He says runnishless collection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't remember me for a while now, right? | |
| I'm not the right one. | ||
| Get this inmate out of here. | ||
| If you can't get your blood pressure down, you can't call me down. | ||
| Your cholesterol is 600. I'm little mama's baby daddy. | ||
| No, you little mama. | ||
| She's so nervous, dude. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Look at the nervous laughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never been to prison. | |
| 19 felonies, no convictions. | ||
| Prison and jail aren't the same. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Only one of us has $12 worth of jewelry on it. | ||
| If you want to If you want to have Wanda's jewelry Please go to sit, go At any point If you buy two packs of Newport 100 They will give you everything Wanda has on right now For $7.99 Come on down He's destroying this bitch She has no idea what she's up against. | ||
| On her own show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| I mean, dude, just comes with a pack of new points. | ||
| You get everything she has on for $7.99. | ||
| How does she recover from that? | ||
| How do you recover from that? | ||
| I think you have to quit. | ||
| And when you go back to work tomorrow and everybody's like, how you feeling? | ||
| Dude, that follows you for a year. | ||
| Especially if she reads the comments and you know she reads the comments. | ||
| Dude, that video is just... | ||
| That's what people will know her from. | ||
| How about she saying he has old clothes on? | ||
| He looks awesome. | ||
| First of all, you know he's rich. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kat Williams is rich, rich, rich, rich. | |
| So he's been doing arenas for decades. | ||
| Yeah, she's the fourth mic on a fucking radio show. | ||
| Come on, lady. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| You got old clothes on. | ||
| It's a woman completely out of her depth who doesn't, who didn't appreciate that everybody was, you know, rightfully, like, respecting Kat as a fucking legend, and she probably just didn't like it. | ||
| She thought she was gonna get over on him. | ||
| How? | ||
| How do you think that? | ||
| People are delusional. | ||
| I'm looking at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This story went crazy. | ||
| Oh no, did it? | ||
| Apparently at a show of his in Atlanta, her husband pointed a gun at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says it's because of his ridicule of her. | |
| Dude, imagine getting got so well. | ||
| Imagine getting roasted so bad, your husband points a gun at the guy. | ||
| Following the interview in the alleged altercation to be Williams and Sellers, Smith addressed both on air. | ||
| She said that at the comedy theater, Williams saw her and approached her and said, I told you, fucking with me will make you go viral. | ||
| This led to sellers chasing Williams into a Food Depot supermarket. | ||
| Because of legal reasons, Smith couldn't talk further about the altercation. | ||
| But she did discuss feeling attacked during her interview with Williams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| The victim card! | ||
| Incredible, dude. | ||
| Good luck playing that card with that video. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I felt like, as he started to talk in the beginning, he had an agenda to attack me, and I kept feeling some type of way, she explained. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He kind of came for me, and I'm not that kind of comedian. | ||
| She's a comedian? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Like, I don't go tit for tat. | ||
| When he started coming at me, it kind of threw me off. | ||
| I didn't know how to come back, because that's not how I wanted to talk to him, because of the respect. | ||
| Oh, now it's respect. | ||
| I'm not playing victim, she said. | ||
| I'm not a jokester like that. | ||
| I don't know how to do that. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| He won. | ||
| It threw me off. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Just take the L, lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| It's like, yeah. | ||
| I put some smoked salmon up my ass and waved it in front of a bear's face, and it attacked me, and now I'm sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Worse! | |
| You pimp slapped the bear! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's insane, dude. | |
| I mean, she went after him, 100%. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| And he was letting her off easy. | ||
| And then at the end, when he's got the special bar charged up, he does his finishing move on her, she's fucked, dude. | ||
| Well, when he started with, run your gnarled fingers. | ||
| Gnarled fingers! | ||
| That's like, lady, that's the warning shot. | ||
| Yeah, you're fucking with an elite comic. | ||
| And also, he's real comfortable and relaxed. | ||
| And he's got his Starbucks. | ||
| He's the man, dude. | ||
| He's ready to go. | ||
| Oh my god, that was like one of the best takedowns I've ever seen. | ||
| It was fucking incredible. | ||
| But that's like a Mike Tyson fight in the 80s. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing in there with him? | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
| You're a fucking tomato can. | ||
| This is a terrible idea. | ||
| How did you think this was gonna turn out? | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| He's the fucking man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you do radio anymore? | ||
| Do you ever do that? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| It used to be the thing that you did. | ||
| I know, it just doesn't... | ||
| Like, I did it... | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| At the very end of, like, when I first started headlining and, you know, playing, like... | ||
| I would feature, and then I would do the Sunday or something like that, you know, or the Thursday. | ||
| I did it a couple times, but I was like, why am I up at fucking 5am? | ||
| If it moves two tickets, you're lucky. | ||
| And it's just like, now it's like we kind of do the... | ||
| Like, I'll do the shows that, you know, depending. | ||
| I'll do some, you know, Lebitard is a really great show. | ||
| I'll do that. | ||
| I'll do... | ||
| But even those shows, it's like, he's also a podcast now, or like, I'll do local, you know, in certain markets. | ||
| I'll do Baltimore when I go home. | ||
| Shout out to my boy Justin Schlegel. | ||
| I'll do his show because, you know, he was one of the guys that started ahead of me. | ||
| And it's still a good show in the market, like 98 Rock, whatever. | ||
| But it doesn't feel worth it anymore, dude. | ||
| I kept doing Boston long after I stopped doing other places. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Yeah, because it matters. | ||
| It means something. | ||
| Yeah, but man, it used to be radio was fun. | ||
| Well, radio was probably what led me to get into podcasting. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Because I would do radio shows. | ||
| I'd go, God, I want to do one of these. | ||
| This would be fun. | ||
| No one would ever give me one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, better buy a shitty microphone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just record. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| It's kind of... | ||
| It used to be the only way to sell tickets. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| It's kind of gone. | ||
| I think it is gone. | ||
| I mean, I assume... | ||
| I think maybe some part... | ||
| Like, I guess... | ||
| I don't know if, like, Bob and Tom is still big. | ||
| It used to work, though. | ||
| It used to work. | ||
| Like, if you went to Columbus and you did... | ||
| What was that? | ||
| There's a fucking... | ||
| There was a... | ||
| God, I can't remember their name. | ||
| The morning zoo was big there for a while, and then there was another show. | ||
| Depending on the year you're talking about. | ||
| But no, you're right. | ||
| I mean, if we really think about it, it really was like podcasts. | ||
| Because it's like how there's a ton of... | ||
| Even though there's like 200 podcasts that do really... | ||
| Just off the top of my head, you know, comedy podcasts. | ||
| There's a ton of successful ones. | ||
| It's the same way where it's like every market had a place where a guy was a fucking celebrity. | ||
| In their little town, you couldn't fuck with that guy, dude. | ||
| He was like a fucking Don. | ||
| And that has kind of gone away because now it's like... | ||
| Yeah, they were the morning guy. | ||
| The morning guy was the fucking man. | ||
| The brass ring, dude. | ||
| That's who he wanted to be. | ||
| Isn't that crazy that that went like blockbuster? | ||
| Blockbuster video, just like... | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Well, and it's like, you know, those shows were like... | ||
| I mean, again, I barely did them. | ||
| I did a lot of them. | ||
| Did you feel like you could be funny on there? | ||
| You just had to be, right? | ||
| I would show up lit. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Always. | ||
| I never did those sober. | ||
| Just fucking high or drunk or... | ||
| I'd be barbecued. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Just barbecued. | ||
| That's hilarious, dude. | ||
| Just not knowing what I was talking about 15 seconds after I was talking. | ||
| This house was the most loose. | ||
| It's 6 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Give me a big cup of coffee and a joint. | ||
| Let me go. | ||
| Let me go. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's get into it. | ||
| Yeah, let's have some fun. | ||
| And, you know... | ||
| I've drank on the radio, too, but that's hard, man, because then you go back to your hotel room and crash, and then you feel like shit at, like, 2 p.m. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| I didn't even think of that. | ||
| Yeah, because the show's got to come after you. | ||
| That's the fucked up part. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're on a radio show and you're having fun, you've got to go. | ||
| I mean, this is like the advertisement to get people to come see you. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So you're fucking around, having a good time. | ||
| If you're crushing it, you've got to stay on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got to have a good time. | ||
| But I always used to think, like, that would be the job, man. | ||
| Have a fucking radio gig would be the job. | ||
| You figured it out. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck happened. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| This is exactly that. | ||
| Except you don't have to fucking... | ||
| You can talk about whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's why I never would have gotten one of those jobs. | ||
| They would have said, hey, hey, you can't talk about the pyramids again. | ||
| I'd be like, but hold on! | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| There's no way those motherfuckers made them. | ||
| It was a fucking alien, beamed us the fucking knowledge. | ||
| Also, you would have executives. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would have a bunch of fucking, like, they would have meetings with the, like, I was friends with Kevin and Bean in LA. That was like one of the last shows that I ever did. | ||
| They were, no, they were the last radio show that I would ever willingly do. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Just because they were your boys. | ||
| They were fun. | ||
| They were good dudes. | ||
| And, you know, when they got fired, man, they just got fucking, they just got told they were fired and they weren't even allowed to go in the building to get their stuff. | ||
| And they were there for like 25 years. | ||
| I mean, that's fucking brutal. | ||
| But that's how those corporations work, man. | ||
| Fuck you, pay me. | ||
| Get out. | ||
| It's a business. | ||
| It's not art. | ||
| And they bled their industry dry, and it kind of made way for independent stuff, independent pot. | ||
| And it's like, they thought they could do that because they were a monopoly, and then... | ||
| In five years, it was like anybody could do their own show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I remember when I first started talking about doing it, like, radio guys were so dismissive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Like, why are you doing that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is our thing. | ||
| Well, Howard Stern used to talk about it openly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These people are idiots. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Waste your time podcasting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of hilarious. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| But, I mean, you also get it because it, like, it's, of course, it threatens them because it's like, yeah, I'm just going to do it. | ||
| I'm going to do the thing you... | ||
| I get it, but I don't get it because things that threaten me, I don't attack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| I embrace things that threaten me. | ||
| If there's something that threatens me, if there was something like a podcast, if I was a radio host and podcasts were killing, I'd be like, I need to get a fucking podcast. | ||
| And I'd probably start talking openly about it to put pressure on my contract negotiations. | ||
| I'd be like, why don't I just get a... | ||
| I have enough money. | ||
| I have enough money. | ||
| Why do I have a boss? | ||
| Why do I have a job? | ||
| Why do I have shareholders? | ||
| Why do I have stocks? | ||
| Well, do you think it's a little bit of like what happens when, like, it's not so much a, I mean, I guess it happens now, too, where it's like, like, if somebody gets big off purely TikTok, right, or somebody does, like, funny videos, and then they start selling out comedy clubs, don't you think they looked at podcasters that way, where they're like, they don't know how to They don't know how to be a radio guy. | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| Because I feel that sometimes where I'm like, these fucking guys can't put together an act. | ||
| Or whenever a celebrity gets canceled, now all of a sudden they're fucking comedians. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right, that does happen. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's like actors, their last hope. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Again, back to what comedy is, where comedy is. | ||
| It's like, well, if you are a rapist... | ||
| Come on to the comedy club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| It's like, that's how we're respected. | ||
| Well, like, TikTok made Ralph Barboza, but I think he's gonna make it. | ||
| But he's a good comic. | ||
| He's a good comic. | ||
| That's the difference. | ||
| But he was a middle act. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he's, like, headlining and selling out four, five, six shows in a row. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| If you're like that, he's good. | ||
| He's a good comic and he works hard as fuck. | ||
| Somebody who makes it off of the strength of their jokes is different from like, let's say you do skits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Or you're a personality. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And like somebody like, like, Drewski's really funny. | ||
| That guy's hilarious. | ||
| And he goes on the road and he does his own thing. | ||
| He has his own show. | ||
| He's not doing stand-up. | ||
| He's like taking the experience of what makes him good. | ||
| But then you see other people who don't have that, like, imagination. | ||
| They don't want to work hard and craft their own special live show. | ||
| And they're like, I could do Stan. | ||
| The way we were talking about it. | ||
| Imagine if your friend, who's not funny at all, blows up because he puts a wig on and pretends to be a woman on TikTok. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, not him. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what I'm saying. | ||
| It's that... | ||
| Very rarely do I say it's never gonna happen. | ||
| Hypothetically, a guy like that, it happens, and they have no stage presence. | ||
| They have nothing interesting about them. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they can sell out a fucking improv for the weekend. | ||
| And now, hopefully, Organically, people will stop going to see them if they're bullshit. | ||
| Or they can figure it out. | ||
| Like, come up with something that they can do. | ||
| Maybe show video clips. | ||
| Maybe talk about things. | ||
| Have a projector behind them. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Somewhere they can juice it up. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Some bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, somewhere they can juice it up. | ||
| More often than not, though, I think if they figure it out, they become hacks. | ||
| Because hack works. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's why it's... | ||
| That's why it's hack. | ||
| Well, you know, Tom Green is a really good comic now. | ||
| And Tom Green, you know, was doing movies and all that other stuff and sketches, the Tom Green show. | ||
| And now he's doing stand-up. | ||
| Well, he's a super imaginative, very, like, creative guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He's also super unique. | ||
| He's also the main reason why I did this podcast. | ||
| The Tom Green show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| The online one. | ||
| His talk show that he did. | ||
| I remember I went to his house. | ||
| It was, like, 2007. And I was like, this is crazy. | ||
| You've got wires running through your living room. | ||
| He had servers there. | ||
| A whole room dedicated to hard drives and servers and some crazy internet connection. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| And I was like, dude, you've just got to figure out a way to monetize this. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This is the future. | ||
| No executives. | ||
| No one will tell you what to do. | ||
| I think I started doing versions of, like, web shows after. | ||
| And then the other one that got me into it was doing the Opie and Anthony show. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because it was such a hang. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It was just a hang. | ||
| There was no organization to it at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bunch of funny guys, Patrice and Voss and Norton, and everyone just hanging out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shitting on each other. | ||
| That was the predecessor. | ||
| That was like the... | ||
| That was the predecessor of the podcast. | ||
| That was the thing, yeah. | ||
| Especially when they went to XM and they were unfiltered. | ||
| You can say whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so funny to hear the clips from when they were on terrestrial radio and you're like, they're like, easy, Patrice. | ||
| And they're like, oh, wait, he can't say... | ||
| Yeah, he can't say anything. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, it is very... | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| But yeah, I guess that's what the radio guys were thinking. | ||
| But I agree with you. | ||
| You should try and understand what the fuck's going on, not feel threatened. | ||
| Yeah, well, I get why you would feel threatened. | ||
| I just don't think it's productive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just like, how's it going to help you to shit on something that is obviously killing it? | ||
| Once you're already successful, the people get set in their fucking ways. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, well, especially if you're, like, a Howard Stern type dude. | ||
| You're the biggest guy ever in radio. | ||
| And then something's coming along that's taking over radio. | ||
| Like, no way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| Although, I will say, none of us have an awesome black midget that we bring on. | ||
| Dude, you couldn't anymore. | ||
| Beetlejuice rocks. | ||
| Imagine if... | ||
| Imagine if he bailed on his contract and said, you know what, I've got a billion dollars in the bank. | ||
| I'm firing all the executives, I'm buying a warehouse, and I'm going to just build a wild-ass studio in there and just do podcasts. | ||
| And go back to Howard Stern from the 80s. | ||
| Yeah, but at a certain point you kind of You're not that guy anymore, either. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Your temperament changes, you know? | ||
| Well, he got real scared of the virus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He, like, didn't go into the city for, like, fucking two years. | ||
| Yeah, that's wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just wish... | ||
| I just want to see Beetlejuice back. | ||
| That's another one of my classics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he still alive? | |
| I think... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's thriving. | ||
| How? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, but I do like to throw on some Beetlejuice clips. | ||
| I saw a clip of his sister. | ||
| Yeah, him and his sister. | ||
| It became a thing. | ||
| Looks exactly like him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| My favorite one is when they trick him into thinking he's talking to Obama. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Was it an Obama impersonator? | ||
| The guy was barely doing a voice. | ||
| And he's going like, fuck you, Obama. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Beetlejuice had a personal beef with him because he said he wrote a letter to his mother. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You remember when Opie and Anthony got kicked off the air because they had a homeless guy on that said he was going to rape Condoleezza Rice? | ||
| Now that's radio, baby. | ||
| This was on Sirius. | ||
| This was on XM, where they thought they could get away with anything. | ||
| Like, nope, there's a fucking line. | ||
| They didn't even know the guy was going to say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
| To be like, this is what we need to do. | ||
| This is what we need to have radio. | ||
| What radio waves were created for. | ||
| A homeless guy. | ||
| Three million followers on Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There he is. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Killing it. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Shout out to Beat. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Look at him hanging out with Manny Pacquiao and Mike Tyson. | ||
| I believe that's a Photoshop. | ||
| So what? | ||
| Let's pretend it's real. | ||
| Conor's there? | ||
| Let's pretend it's real. | ||
| That's Roberto Duran, Conor. | ||
| Let's pretend it's real. | ||
| I would love to pretend it's real. | ||
| I like to think it's real. | ||
| In my heart it is. | ||
| Look at him, he's answering a very important call. | ||
| He's on the phone with Obama right there. | ||
| Oh, fuck, dude. | ||
| So you started doing radio just to promote when you started headlining? | ||
| Yeah, on the road. | ||
| Yeah, I did a little bit before. | ||
| I mean, you would do it anytime anybody would want you on a radio show. | ||
| It was like a big... | ||
| Yeah, but it was almost always when you were doing a road gig. | ||
| Yeah, I remember the first ones I did were in Connecticut. | ||
| I was living in New York. | ||
| You get gigs in Connecticut. | ||
| You'd have to go and do a literal tiny town morning show that reached... | ||
| Five miles. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, in each direction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's how you got people to come see you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like the pioneer days. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You know, it was literally, you're on a covered wagon making your way across the country. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I mean, it's so funny to think about when you're, like, to, like, want that shitty, the old days, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, the old one-nighters and shit. | ||
| Because, I mean, it wasn't as good. | ||
| Like, I caught, again, like, the tail end of that, where it was like, You're playing fucking wherever. | ||
| And it's like everywhere had... | ||
| The comedy clubs were very shit. | ||
| Like, when you were coming up, was it like right after a boom and it was like kind of down? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was like not good. | ||
| There was a boom in the 80s. | ||
| So the boom in the 80s was like 84 to 88. And I came around in 88. Okay. | ||
| And back then, it was really strange. | ||
| There was a bunch of comics that really were like... | ||
| Lounge acts, but not a lounge act like a lounge act comedian, like a lounge act comic. | ||
| Like they weren't even really comedians. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| They would just talk about things with a comedy timing. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| There was nothing there. | ||
| There was a bunch of these guys. | ||
| Because it just could sustain that. | ||
| Comedy was so successful. | ||
| They would just laugh. | ||
| And so they would pick premises that other people had covered. | ||
| And some of them were like arrogant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It was bizarre. | ||
| Like, you're fucking terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But they had this weird sort of way of delivering material that sounded like they were a comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| They had their sleeves rolled up. | ||
| They would talk about things. | ||
| A little blazer. | ||
| God, there was a lot of them, man. | ||
| Like doing Seinfeld's Cadence, but with nothing underneath it? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They had a way of talking that made them sound like a comedian. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And there was a lot of them, man. | ||
| And some of them were headliners. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was like the whole world wanted comedy. | ||
| And then it kind of died off. | ||
| And then it died off and a bunch of the clubs went under and all the TV shows dried up. | ||
| There used to be like Evening at the Improv and MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour and all these different shows where you could go on and you could do five minutes and if you killed, all of a sudden you're headliner on the road. | ||
| You might have seen him on MTV's Half Hour Comedy Club. | ||
| So that's TikTok back then. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| It's like a five-minute spot. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| Yeah, and then you could do the road. | ||
| And so you wanted to have some sort of a credit. | ||
| Like if they saw you, oh, evening at the improv. | ||
| Oh, it's cool to see you. | ||
| And then, you know, you had a credit. | ||
| And hopefully you could put together 45 minutes and close. | ||
| But there was... | ||
| It was so many comedians. | ||
| But it wasn't the quality that there are today. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Like, there are so many at the top end. | ||
| Like, back then at the top end... | ||
| There was a dozen. | ||
| Like the NBA in the 50s? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, okay, five of those guys could play today, but most of them were fucking dog shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was maybe a dozen, like real good comics. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Now there's fucking hundreds of them. | ||
| A lot of good comics. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of them, man. | ||
| Well, it's harder to kind of stand out, I think, a little... | ||
| But also, it's just, it's the natural order of things. | ||
| It's like, as long as something goes on, shit's gonna get better. | ||
| I mean, I do think about sports as the analogy. | ||
| Like, I mean, UFC, UFC 1 is one of the funniest things of all time, where it's like a guy with one boxing glove. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then you flash forward to now, and it's like, you have like, you know, fucking, you know, the fucking, all the Dagestani motherfuckers that are just trained to destroy people. | ||
| It's like, you drop that guy into UFC 1, You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they would steamroll everybody. | ||
| But that sport is the most obvious example of something that is almost unrecognizable from 30 years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because the first UFC was 30 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And if you go to 1993 to 2023, the difference is so fucking stark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| The people are so good now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We had the DVD of UFC 1, and it's just so funny to watch Ken. | ||
| Because we were wrestling fans, and it's like, I heard Ken Shamrock fought in this thing. | ||
| That was the draw for us, for me and my brothers. | ||
| And you just watch, and you're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| World's most dangerous man. | ||
| And they were fighting every day? | ||
| All those fights happened in one day, right? | ||
| Yeah, they had multiple fights in a day. | ||
| That's fucking wild. | ||
| Yeah, they did a lot of those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did a lot of those up until, like, the late 90s. | ||
| And then they started doing individual matches. | ||
| So were you fighting when you were also, like, starting comedy? | ||
| Was that, like, your dual life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I had three kickboxing fights while still doing stand-up. | ||
| But then I realized I can't do it. | ||
| And I was not all in in fighting or comedy. | ||
| So not being all in in fighting is fucking dangerous. | ||
| You're gonna get stomped. | ||
| And then not being all in in comedy, I was like, what am I doing? | ||
| Why am I doing this? | ||
| I mean, there's plenty of guys like that. | ||
| Getting drunk. | ||
| Trying to get pussy after open mics. | ||
| But it was really just not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. | ||
| And not being very good at comedy. | ||
| And still pretty good at fighting. | ||
| It was easier at the time. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, maybe this is what I should do. | ||
| Maybe I should go all into that. | ||
| But with fighting, if you have a thought in your head that you maybe shouldn't be doing this, you better get out now. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You really should get out now. | ||
| Even that much doubt kills you. | ||
| Because the guys who don't have that much doubt are going to fuck you up. | ||
| Because me, when I was 20, would have fucked up me when I was 22. Yeah. | ||
| You know, because I was a different person. | ||
| When I was all in, that's all I did. | ||
| I would wake up in the middle of the night kicking. | ||
| I would have a fucking kicking dream. | ||
| So I'd literally throw kicks in the middle of the night. | ||
| Yeah, like dogs running in their sleep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| It was you fucking sparring. | ||
| But it was just, I didn't know what I was going to do. | ||
| And I was like, I don't know if I can really make it as a comedian. | ||
| And then I just had to pick one or the other. | ||
| Did you just get your shit split once and you were like, I can't do this? | ||
| I lost my last fight. | ||
| I got TKO'd in my last fight. | ||
| But it was also, I fought three times in a night. | ||
| I won the first two fights. | ||
| Stopped the first guy in the first round. | ||
| Second guy I beat the fuck out of. | ||
| And the third guy, I was exhausted. | ||
| And I beat him up in the first round and then I got clipped with the left hook. | ||
| And dropped. | ||
| And it wasn't too bad. | ||
| It wasn't like the next day I was fine. | ||
| I was fine like an hour after the fight. | ||
| But it was enough where I was like, okay. | ||
| Like part of me was like, you can't go out on a loss. | ||
| Get back in there. | ||
| You can beat that guy. | ||
| You're already fucking him up. | ||
| You should have been in better shape and you shouldn't have had two fights that day. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But the other part of me was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| This is a good way to end this fucking thing. | ||
| And by the way, I've been doing that to other people for so long. | ||
| To me, to get beat up a little bit was probably good for me. | ||
| The circle of life. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was like, you need it. | ||
| Were you like a kid that was into fucking Taekwondo and shit? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| Yeah, in high school. | ||
| Found that. | ||
| Became obsessed. | ||
| Trained every day. | ||
| And before that, what was your shit as a little-ass kid? | ||
| I was into art. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to be a comic book illustrator. | ||
| Oh, sick, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to make comic books. | ||
| Can you draw? | ||
| Oh, yeah, real good. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, that was my shit. | ||
| I used to draw. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| I'm a fucking renaissance man over here. | ||
| I was really good, man. | ||
| There's some stuff online that you could find. | ||
| Like, there's one thing that I did with three little pigs. | ||
| Like, with the big bad wolf. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| There's a few of those that I did. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| I drew stuff that was like, there was a lot of black and white comic books that were like these creepy and eerie, like these different, like they were very gory. | ||
| That's something I drew from Marvin Hagler. | ||
| I drew that when I was 15. That's sick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's another one I did. | ||
| That one in the upper right-hand corner. | ||
| I drew a lot of those. | ||
| A lot of werewolves. | ||
| So you were into some Asian... | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| Because that to me looks like one of those Japanese devils, but that's a werewolf. | ||
| Yeah, werewolves. | ||
| I was just really into werewolves. | ||
| Oh, some horror shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that one that I drew, the little red... | ||
| The Big Bad Wolf? | ||
| Is that one in there? | ||
| The Three Little Pigs? | ||
| It's in there somewhere. | ||
| Now, did you ever... | ||
| This is something we used to get... | ||
| The kid who could draw, did you ever... | ||
| Were you ever hired to draw pornography for any place? | ||
| Did you ever draw tits and jack off to it? | ||
| That's a beautiful, like, self-fulfilling cycle. | ||
| You know what I did do, though? | ||
| I would draw tattoos on my friends. | ||
| Oh, sick. | ||
| So, like, I would use, like, tactical pens. | ||
| And I would, like... | ||
| You could have, like... | ||
| It's just got, like, a... | ||
| You can get good control of different thicknesses of tips. | ||
| And so I would draw cool tattoos on my friends that were thinking about getting tattoos. | ||
| I'd be like, let me draw something on you. | ||
| Yeah, feel it out. | ||
| Yeah, this is where you wash it off. | ||
| One of my friends got his ass kicked because he came home and the mother thought it was like a real tattoo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucking son of a bitch! | |
| He's like, Joe Rogan drew it on me, it's not real! | ||
| You know that family has great communication when he doesn't even get a chance to explain it's fake? | ||
| Yeah, he's getting swung on. | ||
| He came in with a t-shirt on. | ||
| She's like, you little son of a bitch! | ||
| Because back then, kids would get tattoos, like in high school. | ||
| Oh yeah, just come home. | ||
| Yeah, with some shitty tattoo. | ||
| My friend Jimmy got this terrible tiger head tattoo on his shoulder. | ||
| And one day his mother saw something peeking out under his sleeve and she fucking started screaming at him. | ||
| What the fuck did you do? | ||
| And it had his name on it like Jimmy. | ||
| And bro, the tiger looked like it was made by a drunk five-year-old. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| I had a friend who just got like fucking a leaf on her foot. | ||
| And it's like, this is just here. | ||
| I was 16 and dumb. | ||
| And now I have a leaf that looks like shit on my foot. | ||
| They can laser that off, though. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| They're really good at it now. | ||
| It hurts, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| I've never had it done, but the laser hurts. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| They get in there... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just cooks the skin and breaks up all of the ink. | |
| Broils your shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| I'm a clean canvas. | ||
| You thinking about getting something? | ||
| I think once you're 34... | ||
| Maybe a large panda bear on your back. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| My favorite... | ||
| With a heart on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A big black and white heart dick. | ||
| I think I want an eagle with a boner just on my back. | ||
| What does an eagle's penis look like? | ||
| Would it be a human penis? | ||
| Like death from the sky? | ||
| I would do a human dick. | ||
| Human penis on an eagle? | ||
| I bet someone's already drawn it. | ||
| I bet we're talking find Google eagle with human dick. | ||
| Oh, there's a guy on Long Island who signed up after 9-11 who's definitely got that tattoo. | ||
| Jamie just laughed at me. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What you just asked for, but not exactly. | ||
| No, I want the eagle to have a penis. | ||
| That's an actual flying dick. | ||
| That's an actual flying dick. | ||
| Okay, Joe. | ||
| Is there an eagle with a dick? | ||
| There's gotta be. | ||
| I guarantee you it's out there. | ||
| Dude, maybe. | ||
| There's like a thousand tattoos of me out there. | ||
| There's gotta be an eagle with a dick. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| How about you, but the eagle and the dick head is your head? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm, right. | |
| It's like a giant. | ||
| Right, big ol' veiny shaft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big ol' veiny. | |
| And my head like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're so pissed. | |
| Like I'm deadlifting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Your face on a PR, but it's just coming off an eagle's human dick. | ||
| Bro, someone's gonna get that. | ||
| Please do. | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| I'll give you $1,000 if you get that tattoo. | ||
| Yes, I'll throw in $1,000 as well. | ||
| Yeah, just an eagle with a total oversized dick. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Actually, I have to be one of the nuts if you get it. | ||
| My face has to be one of the balls. | ||
| With a big smile. | ||
| And the glasses on. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And a dick that looks like a bodybuilder's forearm. | ||
| You have veins, brother. | ||
| Yeah, you need at least three veins. | ||
| Just a missile. | ||
| One main one, two off to the soul. | ||
| Two tributaries. | ||
| A lot going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| A lot of blood flow. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| How many dudes have tattooed their dick? | ||
| I bet quite a few. | ||
| I've seen a bunch. | ||
| Online. | ||
| Yeah, have you tasted a many? | ||
| They're different. | ||
| It's not Gabe, it's ink. | ||
| It tastes like copper, like a penny, like you're sucking on a penny. | ||
| I think that's just what a dick tastes like. | ||
| The guy's like, Joe, it'll be cool. | ||
| It tastes different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you sure? | |
| Come on. | ||
| Yes, dude, and this will help you get your yellow belt. | ||
| That's you for day one. | ||
| I bet there's a lot of that going on, too. | ||
| Have you ever seen that video? | ||
| There was a guy who, a karate instructor molested his kid, and they were working, the cops had arrested the guy, and they were taking him, I think it was through an airport. | ||
| They were moving through an airport, and this guy's waiting by the phone, and as the guy walks by, bang! | ||
| Blows him in the head and puts his hands up. | ||
| Fucking honestly awesome. | ||
| Everybody loves that. | ||
| Everybody loves that video. | ||
| How are you mad at that? | ||
| How are you mad at that? | ||
| Because, by the way, okay. | ||
| You know, I think if somebody molests your kid, you should be able to kill him, right? | ||
| I think that's pretty fair. | ||
| But that's not easy, dude. | ||
| He's got a small window. | ||
| He was like a mob assassin, dude. | ||
| He knows he's going to jail. | ||
| And he's like, okay, I'm going to go to jail. | ||
| So what? | ||
| I'm not going to be able to live with this. | ||
| I'm going to go to jail. | ||
| Did you ever see that one? | ||
| There's one video of a woman. | ||
| Some man had raped and murdered her seven-year-old. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And she shot him. | ||
| Here's the video. | ||
| The guy's walking by. | ||
| This guy's got the bag. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| That's a wrap, son. | ||
| By the way, those guys have terrible technique when they went to disarm him. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, just the way the guy moved in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He could've got shot. | ||
| Yeah, if that guy wanted to, he could've dropped both of those guys. | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| Dude, look at the fucking... | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Sunglasses, baseball hat. | ||
| Byow! | ||
| Was that guy like in a cop or in the army or something? | ||
| If he's just a guy, that's pretty impressive. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's too much reading. | ||
| It's a horrible story. | ||
| 1984. But there's another video of a woman in court and the guy who murdered and raped her daughter was right there. | ||
| And she just pulls out a gun and just empties it into him in court. | ||
| Bang, bang, bang! | ||
| With, like, a dead look on her face. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Just fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that guy. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| I mean, I think that guy got off, didn't he? | ||
| I hope he did. | ||
| He only had to, like, serve a little bit or something. | ||
| He had to mop the jail. | ||
| Yeah, just clean up after the blood in the airport. | ||
| We'll give you a Wetzel's Pretzels afterwards, too. | ||
| Take it to Cinnabon. | ||
| But do a real good job. | ||
| That can't be really... | ||
| No, I think that's it, dude. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| No, it is. | ||
| Like, look at the guy behind. | ||
| He's holding his ears. | ||
| Holy fuck, dude. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| No, that's real, dude. | ||
| Nice with it, honestly. | ||
| She looks... | ||
| That's... | ||
| Yeah, how are you mad, man? | ||
| I saw something on Twitter similar to this. | ||
| There was like an old woman in Mexico who something like that happened and she tracked down the gangsters. | ||
| The government wouldn't help and she tracked them all down one by one. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Until they were dead or in jail. | ||
| I need that movie, brother. | ||
| That's fucking action movie beautiful. | ||
| Like Revenge Grandma. | ||
| We haven't had a Revenge Grandma. | ||
| There's something about a lady who avenges her kid's murder that's intense. | ||
| Have you seen Lady Snowblood? | ||
| No, what's that? | ||
| That's a Japanese, like, you're gonna love that movie. | ||
| You're into a lot of Japanese shit. | ||
| This has come out just now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what this is about. | |
| Recent in life? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I had one time where I kind of went to recharge. | ||
| It was, my friend gave me a Murakami book where this all started. | ||
| When I was just like, it was right after, it was like during the pandemic I'd gained a ton of fucking weight and I felt like shit. | ||
| Career stalled, everything. | ||
| And I just went to like Baltimore for like I rented a place. | ||
| I worked out with my brother and I was like off my phone. | ||
| I was just like recharging and he gave me this Murakami book and I was like, okay, this Japanese shit's cool. | ||
| I started listening to like Japanese music. | ||
| I did get into a weird, so I think there's like a Pavlov's dog thing with me where it's like any Japanese shit, it almost reminds me of that healing thing. | ||
| Point in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I see. | |
| And I got into, like... | ||
| I'm also just so into, like, revenge action. | ||
| I really want to write an action movie when I take... | ||
| After the special comes out, which is, you know... | ||
| It's coming out. | ||
| And, you know, I'm trying to promote it. | ||
| I'm doing all this shit. | ||
| But my tour is over. | ||
| I just ended at the Beacon, which is fucking sick. | ||
| And once all the, like, promo stuff's done, I just want to fucking chill out. | ||
| I want to fucking... | ||
| Watch a bunch of fucking movies. | ||
| I probably will read some Japanese shit because in my head that is like the resetting. | ||
| But anyway, Lady Snowblood, revenge film, a woman whose mom has this woman in jail and she tracks down the people who raped her mom and fucking put her in jail. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Lady Snowblood's good shit, dude. | ||
| Dude, a good revenge movie. | ||
| There it is right there. | ||
| Lady Snow... | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Dude, she fucks people up, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, that's... | |
| Nah, you'd love this movie for sure. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| It looks badass. | ||
| It's on Criterion, and I think it's also on... | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| 73? | ||
| It's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Look at the dude behind her. | ||
| She fucked up. | ||
| She fucked my man up. | ||
| Oh my god, this is gory. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| There's something about a good revenge movie, man. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| I mean, I just watched the first half of Hard Boiled. | ||
| I'll pop that little bad boy. | ||
| What's Hard Boiled? | ||
| Oh, John Woo movie? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Another banger, absolutely. | ||
| But yeah, I'm trying to get an encyclopedic. | ||
| I'm going to watch so many Revenge and Assassin movies. | ||
| And you want to write one. | ||
| But I want to write a comedy, you know what I mean? | ||
| I want to do where I'm the guy, you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| But I want to have like a... | ||
| Yeah, this is hard-boiled. | ||
| So sick, dude. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about a good Revenge movie, man. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Well, it's so simple. | ||
| Oh, have you seen The Killer that just came out? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, I loved it. | ||
| The Killer's great. | ||
| The Killer's great. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I saw, like, a bad review of it, and then I was, like, a little apprehensive watching it. | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| This movie's amazing. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Fincher, so good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's, like, it shows you, like... | ||
| It's also interesting to think about this fucking guy, because, like, all you have is his internal monologue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| So it's, like... | ||
| Yeah, he fucks some shit up, but that's what's interesting. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| Is this guy as good as he thinks he is? | ||
| And then how methodical he is. | ||
| And that fight scene, that middle fight scene in fucking Florida. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| And the Tilda Swinton thing, where it's the opposite, where it's like, that's all psychological. | ||
| Whereas the other one is brute force, and it's just like... | ||
| There's also no moments in that movie where you're like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You know, in a lot of action movies, there's a get the fuck out of here moment. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Yeah, he fucks up constantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He fucks up constantly. | ||
| But he's also... | ||
| Yeah, there's like three really funny fuck-ups he does. | ||
| And it's just... | ||
| You're with his internal monologue. | ||
| And he fucking looks great. | ||
| And all of it is like believable and feels as grounded as a fucking... | ||
| Assassin movie can be. | ||
| And isn't it weird that you're rooting for him? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| He's an assassin. | ||
| He's just as bad as them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it is the revenge factor of... | ||
| If they hadn't hurt his... | ||
| If they hadn't hurt his girl... | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's the one thing. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But then it also becomes this larger thing of like... | ||
| As he's taking it to the top, you're rooting for, not to give the movie away, but it's like, you're rooting for a final resolution, and then it's like, the movie plays with that, you know, it's just like, but yeah, you do, the revenge is the thing of how it gets us to root for these people that, you know, if you were to think about it, they're also fucking monsters. | ||
| Well, that's Tony Soprano. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Tony Soprano was the anti-hero. | ||
| Like, you rooted for Tony Soprano, he's a murderer. | ||
| Well, that's different, though, because that's even more sinister, because, like, the revenge movies are so simple. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, this guy who's cool, even though he's bad, they hurt somebody good, and he's gonna, like, get them back. | ||
| Tony Soprano's even worse, where it's like, no, this guy's a piece of shit, but he's so charming and cool. | ||
| Yeah, you like him. | ||
| And he fucking eats fucking deli meats just like me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, yeah, he's getting pussy. | ||
| He's just like a fucking awesome guy. | ||
| And you see the charm of these guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which, I don't know if that's real. | ||
| I don't know if the actual real mobsters are that charming. | ||
| I'm sure some at the top were. | ||
| Some of them were charming. | ||
| And Gandolfini's just such a great actor. | ||
| He is so good. | ||
| But that's what's so awesome about The Sopranos. | ||
| And that's why I think they put a couple of those episodes where they're like, No, these guys are Satan. | ||
| We're like, you know, Ralphie kills the fucking, the girl he gets pregnant. | ||
| And that's a big moment where you're like, oh, I shouldn't be rooting for these guys. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Well, they made it very complicated. | ||
| How about when Tony killed Christopher Moltisanti? | ||
| Like, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| But that's exactly it. | ||
| At the end, you're like, this guy is fucking Satan. | ||
| This guy is a completely irredeemable piece of shit. | ||
| And the scene where fucking Carmella goes to the therapist, and he's just like, because she's always been in denial, or she's always been able to pretend, and he's just like, no. | ||
| This is blood. | ||
| I won't take your blood money. | ||
| Maybe up until this point in your life, no one has explicitly told you you're being an accomplice for this fucking bullshit. | ||
| And staying with him is not equal to, but you're involved in this evil. | ||
| And the only way for him to be able to get out of this is to turn himself in and pray for fucking redemption. | ||
| And she's just like, oh... | ||
| Well, I guess I'm going to fucking keep being part of this. | ||
| I don't want to do this. | ||
| I don't want to lose all my money. | ||
| I don't want to lose my life. | ||
| She was just trying to go to therapy to feel better. | ||
| And the guy's like, I'm not Dr. Melfi. | ||
| I'm not fucking going to enable this bullshit because I'm also wrapped up in it. | ||
| The guy was just like, I know who you are. | ||
| I know what you're trying to do. | ||
| There's no way to feel good that's not fake here. | ||
| That's also the thing. | ||
| If you lived in those neighborhoods that were run by the mob, you were under their thumb. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You had to pay protection money. | ||
| If you didn't pay protection money, they'd come and fuck you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's just how it went. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| And yeah, I mean, it's like the... | ||
| That is definitely a culture that pervades it. | ||
| Have you ever read any of the books about the 1970s mob? | ||
| You ever read Murder Machine? | ||
| I haven't read Murder Machine. | ||
| I read the... | ||
| Murder Machine is terrifying. | ||
| It's about Roy DeMeo, who's a serial killer mobster. | ||
| Serial killer. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Find reasons to kill people. | ||
| Joey Diaz gave it to me. | ||
| You gotta read this book, cocksucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These motherfuckers were wild. | ||
| He gave me this book and I remember I read it on the road. | ||
| I was like, holy shit, it's one of those books you have to put down a few hours before you go on stage. | ||
| I gotta reset my brain and be funny again. | ||
| This is horrific. | ||
| I will check it out. | ||
| The Five Families, it's almost like an encyclopedic thing of the entire... | ||
| I forget who wrote it, but I'll fucking find it and show you. | ||
| That book is almost like a history textbook about the mob. | ||
| It's really fucking good. | ||
| But it's not as like what you're talking about where it's getting into the psychology. | ||
| It's purely like, this is who was the ball. | ||
| You know, going from Lucky... | ||
| I used to train a guy who was a hitman for Whitey Bulger. | ||
| Whoa, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, I taught him. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| What did you teach him? | ||
| Just fucking people up? | ||
| He was a dude that... | ||
| There was a bunch of people that I knew that were in the Irish mob. | ||
| And one of them was the brother of a comedian who wound up going to jail. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Comedian friend of mine. | ||
| Bill Cosby. | ||
| No. | ||
| Irish guys. | ||
| All Irish guys. | ||
| Oh, Bill O. Cosby? | ||
| And one of them was a guy who used to come to the gym who, 99% sure... | ||
| Went to jail for murder. | ||
| I know he went to jail, but I'm pretty sure it was for murder. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He was a hit man, and he was just asking, he would ask me, like, if I wanted to hit someone and to kill him, where would I hit him? | ||
| He would just say that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, I said, I said, probably the neck. | ||
| And he said, I think so, too. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, just strike them in the neck. | ||
| But I go, it's gonna take more than one shot. | ||
| He goes, oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, we're just looking at each other. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, this is how you gotta get your weight in it to generate more power. | ||
| The problem is, you're hitting it and then you're bouncing off it. | ||
| You don't want to bounce off, you want to drive through. | ||
| So me, I'm teaching this guy. | ||
| You teach this guy how to kill. | ||
| Teach this guy how to smash. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I guess 19? | ||
| Somewhere around there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That was before I ever did comedy. | ||
| And that was when I was at my most insane with martial arts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Whereas I had just gotten out of high school. | ||
| I had all the time in the world now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And when you're 19, that kind of shit is cool. | ||
| Yeah, I lived at home until I was 20. So I still didn't have bills, really. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was traveling all over the country fighting. | ||
| That's all I was doing. | ||
| Whoa, sick. | ||
| And I taught. | ||
| So I was teaching at Boston University. | ||
| I had an accredited course. | ||
| The Jehun Kim Taekwondo Institute was a very prestigious place that I went to in Boston. | ||
| And they had developed a bunch of national champions. | ||
| Michael O'Malley and John Lee and guys who represented the United States in major world competitions. | ||
| So it was like an elite gym. | ||
| I just got lucky that I found this place. | ||
| Total luck. | ||
| It was where you were from. | ||
| That's where I started. | ||
| No, it wasn't even anywhere near my house. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I was coming home from a baseball game with a buddy of mine. | ||
| And as we were coming home, we were waiting to get on the tee. | ||
| The tee is like, you know, public transit. | ||
| Yeah, so I was 15, maybe 14. And so we were just walking down the street, and there were so many people that were going to get on the tee, the line was going to be crazy. | ||
| And so we said, let's go check this karate place out. | ||
| And I walked up the stairs, and as I was walking up the stairs, I caught, at the perfect moment, one of the best guys in the world training. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So it was this guy, John Lee. | ||
| And John Lee was the national 175-pound champion, and he was preparing to fight in the World Cup. | ||
| So as I'm going up the stairs, I'm hearing this sound. | ||
| And this sound is whoomp! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ka-ching! | |
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Whoomp! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ka-ching! | |
| And that whomp is him kicking the bag and the ka-ching is the chains rattling as his bag goes flying through the air. | ||
| So he's got a hundred pound heavy bag and he's sending this thing into the air. | ||
| And I remember watching going, this is insane. | ||
| Yeah, you had no idea you were watching the best in the world. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| Not just the best in the world, but one of the best in the world in his prime, fully prepared for the world championships. | ||
| So he's just full training, at his most focused. | ||
| And I'm looking at this dude, and I said, I want to know how to do that! | ||
| I didn't know a person could do that! | ||
| He was kicking so hard! | ||
| I've never seen anybody kick anything hard before. | ||
| So for me, and he was known for, he had the best spinning back kick in the world. | ||
| And everybody who fought him, there was always a moment you had to wonder if he's gonna spin. | ||
| If you got too close and he spun, it was so fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And when it hit you, your liver's destroyed. | |
| He would just slam his right heel into the right side of your body and you would just go down like you got hit by a car. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| He did it to so many people. | ||
| And he taught me. | ||
| He taught me how to do it. | ||
| It became my number one technique, learning from this guy. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Total dumb luck. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| So that was the place that I was teaching out of, and that was the place where I was teaching this fucking hitman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I know he was a hitman. | ||
| What did the guy look like? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's the place. | ||
| That's the place. | ||
| I walked up those stairs thousands of times. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| I used to teach there. | ||
| That's fucking sick. | ||
| I taught there, and then they got me the job at BU. So I was 19 years old, teaching kids my age Taekwondo, and I just told them, I go, I'll give you an A if you just try. | ||
| I said, this is pass-fail A, so it counts towards your GPA. I go, all you have to do is show up, and if you can't make it, just tell me. | ||
| I go, but if you just show up, I go, you get an A. That's awesome. | ||
| Just try. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I go, we're going to have fun. | ||
| I'll show you some stuff. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a good guy to get. | ||
| You love this shit so much. | ||
| You're also a kid. | ||
| It was such a weird job, though, because I was a kid going into a college to teach them this thing. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| So I always had to put on a display before I taught. | ||
| To prove that you know what the fuck you're talking about? | ||
| We had to get the court cleared and these guys are playing basketball and they didn't want to give up the court a lot of times. | ||
| Basketball players are a lot taller than me too. | ||
| So I would have some dude hold the pad. | ||
| I'd hold this like body shield and I would just start wailing on that thing. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| And then next thing on, everybody's going, what is this? | ||
| Like, what are you doing here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I'm about to teach class. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that must have been cool though because you graduate, you're out of high school and you're not, did you spend time on the campus at all or it was just to teach? | ||
| Just to teach. | ||
| I went to school. | ||
| I was going to UMass Boston. | ||
| Oh, you were going. | ||
| It was a waste of time. | ||
| I was literally only doing it so people didn't think I was a loser. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like I could say, oh, I'm going to UMass. | ||
| I'm going to college. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to college. | ||
| I didn't drop out to do fucking back kicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there was no money in this thing that I was obsessed with. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| The only money was there's a little bit of money like you can get by teaching. | ||
| Teaching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking single mothers while you teach their kids. | |
| None of that. | ||
| I was too young. | ||
| Ah, come on. | ||
| No, I was dating girls my age. | ||
| I didn't get a MILF until I was 21. Ooh, what was the setup? | ||
| Well, she was 25. She was one of my students. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah. | |
| Yeah, she was older than me. | ||
| She was like the first girl that I ever dated that used to tell me what to do, and I used to think it was fun. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's nice. | ||
| When you get somebody who knows what the fuck's going on? | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| She was off by a lot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Also very judgmental, but hot. | ||
| She was fun. | ||
| I'll take that. | ||
| She was really, really smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I would listen to her. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I got in a car accident. | ||
| Some old dude ran a light and fucking t-boned my car and fucked my car up. | ||
| And when I was leaving the car, I was taking my cassettes out. | ||
| And she saw Whitesnake and made me leave it in the car. | ||
| She was leaving the car. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| She's like, here I go again on my own. | ||
| Come on, this is a banger. | ||
| But 21-year-old me, like this girl that I was fucking, and she was so hot. | ||
| Teaching you life lessons. | ||
| Well, I think... | ||
| Or just how to eat pussy. | ||
| I don't know which one. | ||
| Both. | ||
| But it was also just that she was older and smarter than me and accomplished. | ||
| She had a career. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And she was just learning karate? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was learning Taekwondo and then you guys struck it up? | ||
| Was it self-defense or what was she going for? | ||
| No, she was taking a class. | ||
| Oh, at college? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| This was at the gym. | ||
| This was at the Taekwondo school. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think of single 25-year-old moms taking Taekwondo. | ||
| She wasn't a mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You said MILF. Yeah, but I don't really mean that. | |
| You mean spiritual milf. | ||
| Yeah, that's why. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| She was not. | ||
| That word gets used too much. | ||
| But she wasn't really. | ||
| She was 25. I was 21. It was just the first time I dated a woman. | ||
| All the other girls I dated were dumb chicks that were my age. | ||
| We're all dumb. | ||
| She had a career and she graduated from college. | ||
| She was smart. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, when I first moved to New York, I was 24 and I fucked a girl that was like 37. Oh shit. | ||
| And that was awesome. | ||
| That's a leap, son. | ||
| That was, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I only got to fuck her once, which is, you know you didn't do a great job. | ||
| But I did eat her pussy for a while. | ||
| I got, that was my first encounter with a squirter. | ||
| We fucked her. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| Are you sure it's real? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Are you sure she wasn't peeing all over you? | ||
| It was clear. | ||
| I've thought about this a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| How often do you pee and it's not clear? | ||
| And it's not clear? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Quite a bit. | ||
| I'm not very hydrated. | ||
| Okay, that's not good. | ||
| You've got to think. | ||
| It's not Amber. | ||
| You've got to rationalize. | ||
| If someone has so much piss in them that they piss while you're fucking them, they're probably hydrated. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| She didn't seem hydrated. | ||
| She was a hefty gal. | ||
| She's probably very hydrated. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She didn't seem hydrated. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| She drank a lot. | ||
| They do say it's real, but then they also say it's just pee. | ||
| I feel like it's real. | ||
| I've thought about this a lot. | ||
| It's sort of like Jesus. | ||
| If you believe in it, Right, right, right. | ||
| It can work for you. | ||
| You make your own thing. | ||
| Faith is beautiful, Joe. | ||
| And I believe it's real. | ||
| I believe it's another thing. | ||
| It doesn't taste like piss. | ||
| How do you know what piss tastes like? | ||
| Well, you could guess. | ||
| Clear piss? | ||
| I guess I haven't tasted it. | ||
| Like really? | ||
| I guess it doesn't smell like piss. | ||
| Like from an elite ultra runner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just run it with a water bladder on. | ||
| Sucking in all that water. | ||
| Alright, not bad. | ||
| It feels cool either way. | ||
| As long as you're right, it's pure faith. | ||
| And I choose to believe it's not piss. | ||
| Jamie, what is it? | ||
| Has it definitively been addressed by science? | ||
| Wait a minute, you're not a doctor. | ||
| Have you encountered squirters though, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah, I will, yes. | ||
| But Jamie, I would like to Google. | ||
| I would like you to Google what is squirting and is it really just pee? | ||
| I think you're gonna find a divided scholarship on the matter. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people that have a vested interest in believing they were pissed on. | ||
| Big piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big squirt. | |
| Big piss money is throwing off the data. | ||
| Conclusions. | ||
| The present data based on ultrasonographic bladder monitoring and biochemical analysis indicates that squirting is essentially the involuntary emission of urine during sexual activity. | ||
| Although a marginal contribution of prostatic secretions to the emitted flu and often it exists. | ||
| So that's like... | ||
| Pussy juice. | ||
| How can they just say pussy juice? | ||
| This says, doctor's theorize squirting is a form of stress incontinence. | ||
| Isn't it kind of interesting, though, that you couldn't say pussy juice? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're publishing a scientific paper, we must have another word for this term that's acceptable for everyone to discuss the exact same goddamn thing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Pussy juice. | ||
| It's pussy juice. | ||
| So you're saying we should, in the medical journals, it should say pussy juice? | ||
| Well, I just want to understand. | ||
| How is their pleasure of a geyser? | ||
| If it's the same thing, because that's some ladies. | ||
| But if it's the same thing, why is pussy juice offensive, and why is that other long-ass word inoffensive, when they're literally just sounds you make so I know what you're talking about? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| No, I agree with you. | ||
| I mean, now we're talking about what is language. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like a different word. | ||
| But specifically with certain things. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like pussy juice. | ||
| Pussy juice. | ||
| I think you'd have to go at least, I think maybe vaginal juice. | ||
| Right, if you were talking to a doctor and the doctor was saying, you got a problem with your pussy juice. | ||
| You're like, this doctor's trying to fuck me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta get out of there. | |
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| Was he even wearing gloves? | ||
| Why did he smell like cologne? | ||
| He's like, oh yeah, your pH is fucked up. | ||
| Time for a little test? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's talking about your pussy. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Yeah, your cunt's all fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You absolutely need someone to use words. | |
| You got what I like to call rusty cunt. | ||
| Squirting is related to glands in the urethral sponge, which is embedded in the vaginal walls along the sides of the urethra. | ||
| These glands, called skein's glands, are part of the urination process. | ||
| Researchers have long debated whether squirting liquid contains pee or if it's a unique substance. | ||
| In studies where researchers performed a chemical analysis of squirting fluid, they found chemicals that are also in urine. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| I want to know, but hold on a second. | ||
| Chemical analysis of squirting liquid. | ||
| Researchers performed a chemical analysis of squirting liquid. | ||
| And how doth one acquire such squirting liquid? | ||
| What scientific studies are you finger-banging, ladies, until they squirt all over the place? | ||
| They asked a man to pleasure five women to find out. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They asked a man to pleasure five women. | ||
| They paid a guy for science. | ||
| That's got to feel awesome to be that guy. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Oh, it was in Japan. | ||
| It's all coming full circle, baby. | ||
| All roads lead to Japan. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| The land of the rising sun. | ||
| Now I'm not shocked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Of course they did. | ||
| Some guy just bowing. | ||
| This guy probably came in with a briefcase. | ||
| Two of the women were in their 30s, two in their 40s, and one was in her 50s. | ||
| And all of them said they had previously squirted in past sexual encounters. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| Unlike vaginal lubrication, where a person's vagina secretes a white and milky fluid when they're aroused, squirting involves a clear and odorless fluid. | ||
| A.K.A. Squirt. | ||
| Pussy juice. | ||
| Squirting can happen before, during, or after an orgasm and has geyser-like quality. | ||
| Sex educator Marla Renee Stewart previously told Cosmopolitan, imagine if you're a lady and you're a squirting expert. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a freak. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| You know she knows how to fucking do tricks with her pussy. | ||
| Here's how it happens. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Doctors examined the urine from each woman's bladder using a urethral catheter. | ||
| They injected them with 50 milliliters of blue dye saline solution. | ||
| In another room, women received manual penetration from a male subject the doctor recruited. | ||
| They're like, we need the finest finger popper in the land. | ||
| The finest. | ||
| And the shogunate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kaizen. | |
| I have been fingering in the mountains for decades. | ||
| So yeah, some guy in the mountains just doing this? | ||
| They instructed the man to use his fingers and penis. | ||
| And penis! | ||
| In a way to facilitate squirting. | ||
| Let me just say, these gals sound cool. | ||
| This guy banged them. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Fingers and penis. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| He banged them for the International Journal of Urology. | ||
| That is so insane. | ||
| Scientific finger popping. | ||
| So what does it find? | ||
| Each of the five women squirted the doctor saw blue liquid come out of their genital areas in videos that captured the experiment. | ||
| Their findings suggest the liquid women produce when they squirt comes, at least in part, from the bladder. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Urologists wrote in their August 24 paper published in the International Journal of Urology. | ||
| This is so wild. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They paid a guy to fuck the piss out of these girls. | ||
| Like literally. | ||
| What a job. | ||
| He fucked the piss out of them. | ||
| Mom, dad. | ||
| He literally fucked the piss out of them. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And he was like, you thought I'd never amount to anything? | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| Okay, here's... | ||
| Okay, ready? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Okay, it has piss in it, right? | ||
| But they have something else in there too, right? | ||
| So whatever pussy juice they couldn't say. | ||
| Yeah, whatever's on the walls of the vagina as it comes squirting out like a geyser. | ||
| So how about this? | ||
| It's probably like steroids they find in supplements, like accidental steroids. | ||
| Yeah, you can find it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So here's what I posit. | ||
| Even if it starts as piss, water, you add Kool-Aid to it, Kool-Aid powder. | ||
| Now it's Kool-Aid. | ||
| So the piss, you add special little concentrated pussy juice in there. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now it's squirt. | ||
| All right, piss. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| Maybe a couple of those. | ||
| I'm not scared of piss. | ||
| But let's just be honest about what it is. | ||
| That wouldn't bother me if someone peed on me. | ||
| Agree to disagree. | ||
| It's not that big a deal. | ||
| I wouldn't want... | ||
| I guess if it was very clear pit, I guess it was like the squirt I found. | ||
| Look, if you're really into a girl and you're having sex and she accidentally pees on you, are you going to stop? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I actually... | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, have I busted yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let it go. | |
| This is fucking body fluid. | ||
| I will say, actually... | ||
| Maybe I have encountered some tough squirt. | ||
| That should be the name of your next special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, dude. | |
| Now that we're thinking about it, and she was not hydrated, and it was like, you know when you crack open crabs and it has that little yellow shit in there? | ||
| That was left on the fucking sheets? | ||
| And it was so frank, I couldn't get hard afterwards. | ||
| I hate her pussy. | ||
| And then I got like... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And she even was like, damn, I need to drink more water. | ||
| Did she blast on you? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| In the mouth? | ||
| Everywhere? | ||
| Very much so. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I'm just picturing this. | ||
| The amount of urine depends on when the person peed last and how hydrated they are. | ||
| New York University sex researcher Zana Wranglova told MindBodyGreen. | ||
| That's a hot name, too. | ||
| I bet she's hot, too. | ||
| She sounds like the evil lady we were talking about earlier. | ||
| Perfect features. | ||
| Talking about piss. | ||
| Angular big-ass tits. | ||
| How wild is that Japanese study, though? | ||
| But that's the kind of science you can get away with if you're living in a country that's more open-minded. | ||
| Yeah, but then again, they fucking blur out the genitals. | ||
| That's the fucking trade-off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's what's wild, but I'll take both. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The other thing is, like, the weird thing is, like, that this guy, how did he get that job? | ||
| Did he have to audition? | ||
| Like, how did he know he wasn't going to fall apart? | ||
| It says he was recruited. | ||
| Right, but how did they know he was going to get hard? | ||
| Maybe one of the doctors was a freak. | ||
| Yeah, they found this dude. | ||
| You gotta find the best. | ||
| That sounds also like the plot. | ||
| This study probably was recorded and put out with blurred genitals. | ||
| This sounds like the plot of a Japanese pornography. | ||
| This story could be a comedy movie if we had a time machine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, all the squirt. | ||
| No, if we could bring it back to like 1994 when you could make a movie like this and not go to jail. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| And not get canceled. | ||
| If you tried to make this movie today, the outrage would be off the charts. | ||
| The Squirt Doctor? | ||
| You think you couldn't make The Squirt Doctor? | ||
| No chance. | ||
| This guy, you're gonna have him finger-banging these women and fuck the shit out of them, all five of them, and they're hiring this guy to come in and sling dick. | ||
| It would probably have to be a lesbian thing. | ||
| And you find out that these women are just pissing all over him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And all their dreams are shattered because they thought they were squirters. | ||
| They were the rare hot squirter. | ||
| But meanwhile, they're just peeing on guys. | ||
| And now these guys are leaking that to the world. | ||
| It gets on the internet and everybody knows that you're just peeing on folks. | ||
| You're just peeing on folks! | ||
| What if the guy was hot and it's for women? | ||
| I'm sure he's hot. | ||
| I'm sure he's probably hot. | ||
| They wouldn't force the women to... | ||
| I mean, if they forced the women to have sex with some gross guy... | ||
| I made a nice discovery just now. | ||
| What? | ||
| I found a video of the test. | ||
| No! | ||
| Put it up. | ||
| The actual test? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Put it up. | ||
| I love learning, dude. | ||
| I love science. | ||
| Put it up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| No! | ||
| This can't be the fucking actual test. | ||
| Let me see this. | ||
| I don't know if there's sound or not. | ||
| Well, the audience can't see this, right? | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yo! | |
| What am I looking at? | ||
| That's his fingers and her pussy from the back. | ||
| Those are ass cheeks. | ||
| And this is the blue liquid. | ||
| See, there's blue liquid everywhere. | ||
| Yo, that's him fucking! | ||
| Oh, you see her tits. | ||
| There's blue liquid coming out. | ||
| First of all, that has not been my experience. | ||
| It's dribbling out. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| There's someone else under there catching it. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's sick, dude. | |
| And look at those untamed Asian bushes. | ||
| It looks like the other guy. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Now we're talking. | ||
| That's what I... Oh, my God. | ||
| Look at her go. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Look, they're collecting it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This girl's got it trimmed, though. | |
| Oh my god, this is so wild. | ||
| You can tell it's not porn, though, because it's not blurred. | ||
| You're right, this is fucking science. | ||
| I'm not hard at all, honestly. | ||
| They should do that for all porn from Japan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just making science experiments. | |
| The music's nice touch. | ||
| Yeah, the music's relaxing. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| Dude, this man is going after it. | ||
| Can we see his penis? | ||
| I don't think they'll let you see his penis. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| I mean, she's basically pissing out Blue Kool-Aid. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is so crazy. | ||
| She's peeing! | ||
| She's just peeing. | ||
| But the one girl, the one was squirting. | ||
| You see that geyser? | ||
| That fucking pop. | ||
| She was peeing. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| That's what girls do if they were peeing. | ||
| If they had to pee and just laid on their back and peed, it would just squirt up in the air. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| Yeah, of course I'm right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I want to believe, Joe. | ||
| I know you do. | ||
| I know you do. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| I want to believe, brother. | ||
| I'm just really obsessed with this fucking Japanese department of urology that did this. | ||
| That's what's fascinating. | ||
| I want to know about the guy. | ||
| They got this run up the flagpole. | ||
| You should get the guy in here. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But those fucking doctors, they ran up the flagpole to, like, who? | ||
| And they were like, yeah, let's go. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| We got a little extra money in the fucking... | ||
| That feels like they're going to be under budget unless they have one more study. | ||
| And they let one guy be like, what if we checked out a squirt is pissed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like... | |
| Beautiful idea. | ||
| I wonder how much money they spent to check out if Squirt is piss. | ||
| Jamie, will you send me that article? | ||
| This needs further investigation. | ||
| I'm still investigating this right now. | ||
| Please just text me that article. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So there's five women. | ||
| There's one guy. | ||
| He only fucks them once. | ||
| Is it an afternoon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who knows? | |
| He's probably banging them for months. | ||
| Yeah, do you think they kept in touch afterwards? | ||
| They have money. | ||
| They probably put together a whole series of bangs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You can't just count on one. | ||
| It's like you're filming a special. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You want to have a few shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I also like they recruited him, but they had to recruit good squirters too. | ||
| Reliable squirters. | ||
| Reliable. | ||
| Girls had squirted multiple times. | ||
| But some women pee if they laugh. | ||
| True. | ||
| I mean, that's kind of probably similar. | ||
| The involuntary reaction. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do they squirt when they're orgasming or they just squirt in the middle of intercourse? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Orgasm. | ||
| Only? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what they tell you? | ||
| Listen, like I said, I've been very upfront with having disgusting squirt in my mouth. | ||
| Why would I start lying now, Joe? | ||
| I've established my bona fides. | ||
| Oh my god, good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Very good point. | ||
| So you've never encountered it, or you have? | ||
| No, I've never encountered it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| No. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it wasn't a thing when I was a kid, man. | ||
| You think it's learned behavior? | ||
| I think it came about because of porn. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure, let me be clear, I'm sure it was happening before porn, but it was never a thing that was discussed. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| When I was in high school, my friends, no one ever talked about a squirter. | ||
| Kids in high school talk about squirters now. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They'll go, I heard she's a squirter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They make things up. | ||
| They just heard of the term squirter. | ||
| They've heard someone say a girl's a squirter. | ||
| Well, they know more now, these children. | ||
| What was the wildest shit anybody did? | ||
| Was anal the most wild shit anybody would do? | ||
| There was no squirting? | ||
| There was no, I think, even anal back then. | ||
| It felt like a taboo. | ||
| Yeah, and girls didn't shave. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| First mentioned in the 7th century poem, female ejaculation and the Graftenberg spot, the G-spot, are described in detail in most works of Kama Sutra. | ||
| In ancient Western writings, the emission of female fluid is mentioned even earlier, depicted at about 300 BC by Aristotle in the 2nd century by Galen. | ||
| So even Aristotle got duped. | ||
| They didn't have a piss study. | ||
| So this magical piss study from Japan... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Wait, Aristotle was in the dark? | ||
| He's like, bro, I'm telling you, I get him to squirt. | ||
| Yeah, they're not pissing, bro. | ||
| There was no squirters. | ||
| No one talked about it. | ||
| Maybe that's why they killed Socrates, because he said it was piss. | ||
| They're like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Aristotle was like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| What did I tell you, bitch? | ||
| Let me believe! | ||
| I'm not drinking piss. | ||
| Now drink this hemlock. | ||
| Piss is gross. | ||
| A law, at least in 2014, a law in the UK where guidelines state it's fine to depict a woman gagging on a dick, but female ejaculation can only be shown in short sequences. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Cannot land on anyone and cannot be consumed. | ||
| Cannot land? | ||
| Cannot be consumed. | ||
| Cannot be consumed. | ||
| The UK has strict guidelines when it comes to piss. | ||
| How did this become an issue for them? | ||
| Like in porn or just in movies? | ||
| Porn, porn, porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
VOD porn. | |
| You can't show squirt and porn. | ||
| They're still holding on to any type of control they have over people. | ||
| The empire's over, you pieces of shit. | ||
| But imagine... | ||
| Let people drink squirt. | ||
| Imagine if you're a grown adult, and you're the one who's passing rules, and you're like, here's one we have to address. | ||
| Do we or do we not let folks pee on each other? | ||
| Well, I find it rather distasteful when they drink the squirt. | ||
| Can we make a compromise? | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| I would say, what if the squirt doesn't land on anyone? | ||
| And what if it's only for a short duration? | ||
| Let's put a time limit on the squirt. | ||
| I believe five seconds is sufficient. | ||
| Female ejaculating? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no, that won't do. | |
| Unfortunately, it is piss. | ||
| Kill him! | ||
| I love this idea. | ||
| I love this idea that this is like the biggest conspiracy. | ||
| This is like, you know, now only the Japanese have brought it to light. | ||
| But it's interesting because that would have never been, that research would have never been done in America. | ||
| And if it was done in America, it would seem creepy. | ||
| It would seem like there's some doctors trying to fuck some patients. | ||
| But because it's done in Japan, I'm like, oh, they probably follow the rules. | ||
| They probably did it exactly. | ||
| They bowed to the pussy after every time. | ||
| Yeah, thank you. | ||
| Respectful. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| I feel like... | ||
| Yeah, here it would be weird. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| But if I found that it came out of Cincinnati, I'd be like, oh, this fucking freak. | ||
| What agenda do they have? | ||
| Like that doctor. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Keyes? | ||
| No. | ||
| What was that sex doctor, the famous sex doctor they made a documentary about? | ||
| Dr. Ruth? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Kinsey. | ||
| Kinsey, yes. | ||
| Was it a documentary? | ||
| Didn't Liam Neeson play him? | ||
| That was right. | ||
| It was a movie. | ||
| It wasn't a documentary. | ||
| I think there has been a documentary as well. | ||
| There's probably a documentary about him as well. | ||
| This guy was into some wild shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And so much of what, like, people quote his studies, you know, as if, like, this is information that we now know about people and sexuality. | ||
| But hold on. | ||
| Coming from who? | ||
| Yeah, Kinsey. | ||
| Some freak in a lab coat. | ||
| Yeah, what are you into, buddy? | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| Widely regarded as the first major figure in American sexology. | ||
| His research helped pave the way for a deeper exploration of sexuality amongst sexologists and the greater public, as well as liberating female sexuality. | ||
| But what is the controversial aspects of his work, though? | ||
| There was some controversial shit about him. | ||
| The thing I know about him is the Kinsey scale, which is basically saying no one's fully gay, no one's fully straight. | ||
| It's like zero is you're the gayest guy of all time, five is you're the straightest guy of all time, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which seems to make sense. | ||
| Well, I would imagine... | ||
| If you lived in Rome in times, everybody would be gay. | ||
| But as a straight man... | ||
| The curve... | ||
| A straight man... | ||
| You've grown on a curve in Rome. | ||
| Who's reproduced. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're lying if you think that if you were born in Rome... | ||
| Let's get into it. | ||
| ...in one B.C. that you wouldn't be engaging in gay sex. | ||
| Get your dick sucked after a nice bath. | ||
| They all did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what are you gonna do? | ||
| You gonna be the one guy that doesn't get your dick sucked? | ||
| No. | ||
| One guy that doesn't suck a little cock? | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| You're bringing down the vibes, dude. | ||
| And I think there was a thing back then with men where they would go to war and they'd go on these campaigns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're just a bunch of horny dudes fucking each other. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And it became, if it's acceptable, it's way more convenient. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Matter of... | ||
| I mean, the Spartans were gay as hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gay as hell! | |
| They barely saw... | ||
| They only saw women to fuck them to reproduce and then they're just hanging out in the barracks and they're fucking each other. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| Fighting like savages. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| Some of the scariest armies in history were gay. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Wild! | ||
| The British, they were taking over the world and fucking each other in the ass on the ships. | ||
| What do you think was going on in that long boat ride to India? | ||
| Bro, why do you think pirates dress like that? | ||
| Why has a pirate got a scarf on and big earrings? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| That guy's gay as fuck. | ||
| Sorry to bring it back to this ejaculation. | ||
| Oh my god, Jamie's obsessed. | ||
| They did not have one guy do it, apparently. | ||
| Most of the samples also contain prostate-specific antigen, which does not originate in the bladder. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That suggests that squirting is not entirely composed of urine. | ||
| That's the Kool-Aid powder in my hypothesis. | ||
| It's the prostate-specific antigens. | ||
| Three were able to use their hands alone to squirt, while the other two required penetrative sexual stimulation. | ||
| In this case, from two male partners to squirt. | ||
| She was getting tag-teamed? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Each of them had their own guy. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| The guy's going to get tight. | ||
| Maybe the girl's like, I can squirt, but I need two dicks. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This only happened five times. | ||
| Maybe a thumb in my ass, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone needs to choke me. | ||
| Who's got a tie? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| They all do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all science. | |
| This is science. | ||
| This is the only way to get a sample. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Males can apparently square two. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're peeing, buddy. | ||
| No, this is bullshit. | ||
| We've gone too far. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| See, this is where your belief system falls apart. | ||
| No, don't do this to me. | ||
| International Journal of Urology described a man who ejaculated, then 20 seconds later squirted for about a minute. | ||
| This fluid was analyzed and also confirmed to be mostly urine. | ||
| Bro, you peed. | ||
| I'm talking about female squirt. | ||
| Get this fucking bullshit out of here. | ||
| Don't lock me in with these fucking lunatics. | ||
| What I'm talking about is good, honest women's pussy squirting. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pee. | |
| Look, the description of the experiment sounds notably uncomfortable as it involved an ultrasound probe inserted into the man's rectum used to measure contractions in the bladder. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Our studies suck so hard compared to Japan studies. | ||
| You get the nice green tea. | ||
| I mean, Japan had a nail. | ||
| This guy's got a fucking radar machine up his ass. | ||
| He's glowing. | ||
| His balls are glowing red. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| What are you doing to that guy? | ||
| I've never heard of male squirting. | ||
| But also, if you've got something up your ass, your body's behaving differently. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| If you had a finger up your ass and you peed, it would be different. | ||
| It would be different. | ||
| It would be different. | ||
| You've got a rod up your ass. | ||
| How do we know the rod's not pressing on the fish? | ||
| The rod probably feels good to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's probably a little stimulating inside. | ||
| It's like, oh, I was squirting. | ||
| Bro, it's peeing. | ||
| He peed. | ||
| You're a fucking weirdo. | ||
| You just peed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I've never heard of that. | |
| You didn't even hold it in. | ||
| Yeah, hold it in, man. | ||
| Maybe you can't hold it in if you have that rod in your ass. | ||
| Maybe it makes it more difficult. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I just did some kegels. | ||
| Right, like I would imagine. | ||
| I just squeezed. | ||
| It might affect performance. | ||
| Yeah, if I got a big rod on my ass, I'm probably pissing too. | ||
| I'll probably be like, my life's already over. | ||
| I'm just going to piss all over these sheets. | ||
| Everybody, fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, male squirting is definitely pissing. | ||
| There's some common ground. | ||
| And girl squirting is pissing too, yeah. | ||
| You're really fucking fine. | ||
| I admitted it, man. | ||
| Stop rubbing my nose in it. | ||
| I just want to, like, respect the Japan Institute of Urology. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right, you're right. | |
| What's the name of the organization again? | ||
| I mean, there's the International Institute. | ||
| International. | ||
| They brought it worldwide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of scientists are like, how do I get in on some of these tests? | |
| I also want to know. | ||
| I hate y'all running some tests. | ||
| It's in the International Journal of Urology. | ||
| International Journal of Urology. | ||
| And let's shout them out. | ||
| Miyabi Inouye, Yuki Segaguchi, Noriko Ninomiya, Tomoko Kobayashi, Muto Araki. | ||
| Dude, you're really good at pronouncing names. | ||
| You want a job? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can work here. | |
| You just pronounce names for me because I can't do it. | ||
| I'm fucking terrible at it. | ||
| Can you say what the university or what the organization was that put it together? | ||
| First publish? | ||
| What was the... | ||
| I mean, there was an institute that published it. | ||
| Yeah, click that. | ||
| Does it say down there? | ||
| It was something Japan Institute of Urology or something like that, wasn't it? | ||
| Go up to the very first. | ||
| Which is even wilder, right? | ||
| Hit the PDF. Because it's a urology. | ||
| No, that link. | ||
| The link up there? | ||
| No, that link up there. | ||
| Oh, we have to have access. | ||
| Oh, these sons of bitches. | ||
| Well, salute to the proud Japanese people. | ||
| Anyway, whoever did it, way to go. | ||
| Female ejaculation and squirting is similar but comparatively different phenomenon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A narrative. | |
| A narrative review of current research. | ||
| There's a lot of people in denial. | ||
| There's a lot of people who want to believe in leprechauns, like I'm telling you. | ||
| Yeah, but it's fun, you know? | ||
| Leprechauns are real. | ||
| Like, no, you ate mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but maybe that's how you meet leprechauns. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| Now we need to do a little research. | ||
| I'm into that research. | ||
| I think that research is good for humanity. | ||
| That's some real research. | ||
| I mean, yeah, a tree on mushrooms told me to date a woman I would date for two years, and it was nice. | ||
| Wow, interesting. | ||
| In Seattle, I'm on mushrooms. | ||
| I'm like, what should I do with my life? | ||
| Boy, they should make those legal. | ||
| They should make those legal and come up with the right doses for people and develop centers where professionals can introduce people to them. | ||
| Because just what they've found with people recovering, like soldiers coming back from the war, it's one of the very best things to help them get over it. | ||
| Just that alone, you would think that that's a resource that's very valuable. | ||
| If you require of people to go to a foreign land and kill people they don't know, and then when they come back, you just don't address the fact that their mind is completely fucked, or you purposely ignore One ancient method that's not dangerous, that's been shown to be effective. | ||
| And if you're worried about abuse, I get it. | ||
| I get the worry about abuse. | ||
| But we need to figure out places where you have treatment centers for people that do wind up abusing things, and that you also have Trained physicians that can determine the effective dose and give you a pure product where you don't have to worry about buying it off some fucking weirdo you met in a parking lot. | ||
| Some hippie versus some mushrooms. | ||
| Mushrooms and fentanyl. | ||
| I think there are some stuff like that. | ||
| Well, they just denied it in California. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| Yeah, which I would think of any place that would take it. | ||
| But Newsom, even though I don't agree with him on most things, I actually saw his point. | ||
| Because he was saying that they didn't submit a protocol for use and for a bunch of other things. | ||
| Like, if it's going to be used therapeutically, like, what are the guidelines? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| How does it get administered? | ||
| They were just kind of decriminalizing it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, come on. | |
| Let's do it. | ||
| And he felt like it should be decriminalized with information. | ||
| Medically first. | ||
| The same way weed was at first. | ||
| Come up with a protocol. | ||
| Come up with, like, this is what we can fall back on. | ||
| This is what we know you should do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Amsterdam, they're legal, but it's like truffles. | ||
| It's like the fresh ones. | ||
| You can only buy certain doses. | ||
| But those bad boys will fuck you up. | ||
| They'll all fuck you up. | ||
| When Duncan Trussell lived in Asheville, he lived in North Carolina. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they started putting certain chemicals into the cow's feed to keep them from making mushrooms. | ||
| Because so many of them made mushrooms. | ||
| Because apparently the spores are everywhere up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a mushroom's town in Asheville. | ||
| But that's why the town's fucked now. | ||
| They took the mushrooms away? | ||
| Well, you're filled with crime now. | ||
| Asheville, Duncan was telling me, has a crazy high crime rate. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I haven't been there for 10 years, but it felt like a real hippie town. | ||
| What's the crime rate of Asheville, North Carolina? | ||
| A lot of fucking wind chimes are getting stolen. | ||
| All their money went away during the pandemic. | ||
| I would imagine that ramped up crime everywhere. | ||
| Everybody's forced to not work. | ||
| Also, it's a small town. | ||
| It's not like a big, robust town that's backed up by a big industry or anything like that. | ||
| Well, are those people like service workers? | ||
| Because I had friends in New York who were like, they were on unemployment and they were like, whoa, this is better than my shitty job. | ||
| That was a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was definitely a problem. | ||
| And that made me rethink universal basic income. | ||
| Like pro or negative? | ||
| Well, I used to be pro. | ||
| I used to be super pro universal basic income. | ||
| And my thought was, if you give people, no. | ||
| I thought it was, I mean, I can only speak from like, this isn't like, you know, a study. | ||
| But it helped the people I knew, where it was like, it didn't, like, they didn't get lazy. | ||
| They were just like, holy shit, I can pay my bills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's unemployment. | |
| That's unemployment. | ||
| I'm talking about universal basic income. | ||
| So universal basic income would be that everybody gets a certain amount a month, like $1,200. | ||
| And the idea is you never have to worry about food, you never have to worry about shelter. | ||
| And now you can pursue whatever you want to do. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Part of me thinks there's going to be a bunch of people that never do anything. | ||
| They're just going to live off that $12. | ||
| Which is fine though, right? | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| But if that wasn't available to them, would they figure out a path in life? | ||
| And how many people get tripped up by winning a lottery ticket? | ||
| Don't all of them get tripped up by winning a lottery? | ||
| Doesn't everybody get tripped up? | ||
| It's pretty high, yeah, unless you do certain things. | ||
| There's a human psychology aspect to giving people free shit that I don't think is beneficial. | ||
| I just don't think it's beneficial. | ||
| I don't think there's anything wrong with having a social safety net. | ||
| I feel like welfare is important. | ||
| I feel like food stamps are important. | ||
| I feel like healthcare is important. | ||
| All those things are very important. | ||
| And education. | ||
| I fully support that. | ||
| I mean, if you're going to use taxes, I fully support using... | ||
| Let's do that instead of tanks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the best one. | ||
| But I kind of think that people need to do things. | ||
| And I kind of think giving people free money is a bad idea. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I think given those two options, I much prefer a social safety net for that reason. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| It's like even if your job is kind of bullshit, if your basic human needs are taken care of, you still go to work and make ends meet, but it's like if you get sick, you're not worried that you're going to fucking bankrupt, your life's over. | ||
| But the thing is, you're not contributing if you're not doing anything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you're just taking that 1,200 bucks and you're just living and you're not contributing at all, you're literally a sponge. | ||
| I think people would feel better if they had something that they did that gave them a sense of purpose, whatever it is. | ||
| And I think that trying to find that thing and be successful at that thing is a part of the process that everybody has to go through to find themselves. | ||
| And you deny someone that thing if you just give them free money. | ||
| Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to give money to unemployed single mothers, people who get fucked over by society, you know, you get fired, you have a monthly nut. | ||
| I think we should have a social safety. | ||
| I think it's important. | ||
| But I also think if you just gave people money... | ||
| A lot of people wouldn't do shit. | ||
| More people than would. | ||
| The rare person that even with that free money says, I'm going to take this fucking money and I'm going to spend half of it and I'm going to invest the other half and I'm going to get a job as well. | ||
| And I'm going to go out there and I'm going to fucking make something. | ||
| There's some of those people, but those are super rare. | ||
| No, you're right about that. | ||
| It's human nature, man. | ||
| And I think the thing... | ||
| Yeah, I think the... | ||
| I prefer what you're saying is like, yeah, let's get... | ||
| Let's cover our bases, which we don't do right now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I think the thing that... | ||
| I think just as likely for... | ||
| If you give somebody free money, they're not going to do shit. | ||
| We're fucking trapped in this opposite thing where it's like people have to fucking work hard as shit to barely make it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where it's like that zapping all that human potential too because those people are just surviving... | ||
| They don't have time to fucking... | ||
| Because they just have to make rent fucking... | ||
| Everything is more expensive. | ||
| You don't have any time to fucking... | ||
| And I do agree with you that kind of the middle ground is get their basic needs met and then let them be able to work but not have to fucking work, you know... | ||
| 60 hours a week or whatever the fuck, or work 40 hours, but it's grueling for less pay. | ||
| Because you do need that time. | ||
| You need that space to... | ||
| I think you're absolutely correct. | ||
| If you want to get ahead and you want to figure your own path in life, you've got to have some time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's going to either cut into your sleep or it's going to cut into your social life. | ||
| But you're going to need some time. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And that's the one benefit for a motivated person for universal basic income. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But my feeling was when I watched everybody during the pandemic when they were all getting... | ||
| How many people did want to go back to work? | ||
| They just wanted that free money. | ||
| I was like, ooh, this is wild. | ||
| I mean, but some of that also is that they were like... | ||
| Because my friends were like, what the fuck? | ||
| This is like the... | ||
| Like, I'm making less money working hard as fuck... | ||
| On what unemployment pays like this is what the government thinks you barely need to subsist and when I go back to work I make less than this and I work fucking hard as shit I mean it's also a problem of like I think people also saw in that moment how mistreated they were being and how underpaid they were being a lot of the time where it's like this low pay which it wasn't that much money right well they started ramping up pay a lot of places after the pandemic Yeah. | ||
| They ramped up pay everywhere. | ||
| Like, they advertise, like, high pay. | ||
| Like, places like McDonald's. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, what does McDonald's pay now? | ||
| I think it pays, like, $18 an hour or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What is, how much does McDonald's pay? | ||
| I think it depends. | ||
| I was walking through Buc-ee's yesterday. | ||
| Buc-ee's is famous for paying well. | ||
| Buc-ee's is a shit. | ||
| I was looking at, like, if you're a manager, you make a quarter million dollars a year. | ||
| Pretty sick. | ||
| I'm like, damn! | ||
| And probably the only place where that's kept pace with inflation. | ||
| It still says pretty low, depending on... | ||
| Well, yeah, see... | ||
| 21 to 21. 21. 20. 7.25 is in, like, Dothan, Alabama. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I wonder, I wonder, even this... | ||
| Oh, Austin, Texas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 7.25 to 20. Boy, that's a big jump. | ||
| That's probably, like... | ||
| That's three times as much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a cashier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what a cashier makes, not a manager. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| The manager gets double that, son. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But even the place where they're ramping up pay, I wonder what that even is in comparison to inflation from that same job in 1970. That's a good question. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| 1255. 1255. National average. | ||
| Did you see that video? | ||
| There was a video that was going around today of people in Chicago that are furious That the government is giving so much money to all these immigrants that have illegally migrated into Chicago. | ||
| No, I didn't see that. | ||
| They're giving them cell phone and twelve hundred bucks, whatever it is. | ||
| And these people are fucking freaking out. | ||
| And these people that were Democrats are like, hey, if Trump wants to talk to us, come talk to us. | ||
| We're tired of this shit. | ||
| And I'm like, wow, this is wild to see. | ||
| These people are waking up like, why are you giving people that aren't even from here All this money and a free phone and all this shit. | ||
| You're not giving anything to us? | ||
| I mean, yeah, that is fucked. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| I think those people deserve... | ||
| But we're seeing this like, why aren't regular people getting that same shit? | ||
| Why doesn't everybody just get that? | ||
| Why is that person getting special treatment where it's like, we're just fucked? | ||
| I mean, that's the safety net shit. | ||
| They shouldn't get it either. | ||
| What they're doing is they're trying to buy votes. | ||
| That's what I think they're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see, I see, I see. | |
| They're trying to get rid of voter ID and they're trying to bring people in or allow people to get in and make it easy for them to travel all around the country. | ||
| And if someone let you in the country, wouldn't you vote for them? | ||
| But they can't vote, can they? | ||
| Well, what if they can? | ||
| But they're talking about not having voter ID. What do you think? | ||
| They were talking about it in New York. | ||
| They were going to try to make it so that if you weren't a citizen, you could still vote in New York. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That was something that was discussed, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Google that thing about New York. | ||
| I think it was discussed, but I don't know. | ||
| Attempts to have people that were immigrants capable of voting in New York, whatever you would search it under. | ||
| My dad straight can't vote, and he's been here 40 years or 50-something years. | ||
| If they start changing things... | ||
| Look, why else would you want that many people to cross over? | ||
| I would want those people to cross over if I was one of two things. | ||
| I wanted chaos, or B, I wanted voters. | ||
| That's what Wild Wild Country did. | ||
| They brought in the homeless people. | ||
| It's the same kind of deal. | ||
| Struck down. | ||
| State Supreme Court judge from Staten Island said... | ||
| Click on it so I can read it. | ||
| So, state Supreme Court judge from Staten Island said the measure which would have allowed more than 800,000 non-citizens to vote violated the state constitution. | ||
| So, they're trying to pass this measure. | ||
| Imagine, what would be the motivation? | ||
| What would be the motivation of allowing people that Or illegal aliens. | ||
| Well, they're permanent legal residents. | ||
| Permanent legal residents. | ||
| So they're basically guys like my dad who've been here and don't have a citizenship. | ||
| So these are just people that are not American citizens. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| Somebody with their green... | ||
| I mean, some people never... | ||
| Like I said, I don't think my dad is ever going to become a citizen. | ||
| Also only applied to local... | ||
| So non-citizens. | ||
| What's the technical term for a non-citizen? | ||
| If you're not a citizen and you're here... | ||
| Illegal resident. | ||
| Illegal resident. | ||
| No, no, legal. | ||
| Legal. | ||
| So do you have a green card? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Green card. | ||
| Forever? | ||
| Or does it expire? | ||
| Age and residency requirements. | ||
| Age and residency requirements. | ||
| Yeah, so it's like, I mean, look, you could debate that, but it's not the same as illegal immigrants. | ||
| It's basically people that have been in that place and they don't want to become citizens that could be able to vote for municipal elections, not national elections. | ||
| But if you're a Democrat or if you're a Republican, let's see it on the other side. | ||
| Imagine you're a Republican and you do this. | ||
| And you say, we're going to let people who aren't even citizens vote. | ||
| Who do you think those people are going to vote for? | ||
| They're going to vote for the people that are allowing them to vote. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially if you're not politically savvy. | ||
| It is kind of like the old, it's like fucking Tammany Hall, like in Gangs of New York where it's like you vote like four times and then you just bring the fucking Irish people off the boats and like shave your mustache and go vote again, like that kind of shit. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of that. | ||
| Well, that's the old, yeah, that's how it always used to be. | ||
| That's how they always did it. | ||
| But the thing is, it's like, if you wanted the laws on voting to be more lax, and you wanted citizens that are here, but they're not legal, they're not... | ||
| Or legal. | ||
| Or not legal. | ||
| That's next. | ||
| I don't think you'd be able to get anybody to fucking go for that. | ||
| How are you trying to get people to vote for someone who's not a citizen voting? | ||
| That's always been the thing. | ||
| Like, you cannot vote if you're not a citizen. | ||
| I guess, just reading off that, right? | ||
| I don't know anything else. | ||
| That to me, I don't know that I would have to think about it, but it's like, what they're saying is, if you've been here a while, you're a legal resident, you're part of this community, you pay taxes, you do all that stuff, You can vote in local municipal elections. | ||
| You can't vote for fucking senator. | ||
| You can't vote for fucking president. | ||
| You can vote for alderman. | ||
| You can vote for fucking state house representative because they directly affect your thing, which is at least a reasonable argument as opposed to a non-citizen can have the full legal protection. | ||
| But I see what you're saying. | ||
| Here's a better argument. | ||
| Why don't you make them citizens? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| The guy's been here for 30 years? | ||
| You think he's a spy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Like, what do they have to do? | ||
| My dad... | ||
| Like, if someone's a productive member of society, they've been here for 20 years. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And they work, but they just keep going from green card to green card. | ||
| Sit the guy down. | ||
| Is he cool? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Like, fucking let him in. | ||
|
unidentified
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Let him in! | |
| That's true. | ||
| I mean, I can tell you my dad didn't do it because he, like... | ||
| He got a question wrong and he spelled George Washington wrong or some shit. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| This is his recollection. | ||
| But he was not doing great at the whatever point. | ||
| He got mad and he was like, whatever, fuck it, I don't want to be an American anyway. | ||
| And he just stormed out because he just didn't ace the test. | ||
| And he never went back. | ||
| He was like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So he's just been here forever. | ||
| But yeah, I get what you're saying. | ||
| If they have shown some kind of Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's kind of crazy that you could just be born here. | ||
| Like, if you're geographically on the right pile of dirt, you could be an American. | ||
| You fucking won the geopolitical lottery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Woo! | |
| It's fucking sick. | ||
| America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| And then it's like, if you don't do that, it's like, Greece is a perfect example where, like, Giannis Adetokounmpo, right? | ||
| My favorite basketball player. | ||
| He's fucking awesome. | ||
| His family, they were Nigerian immigrants, and he was born in Athens. | ||
| You know, his family clearly loves Greek culture. | ||
| They named their fucking kids Greek names. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, he grew up there. | ||
| He didn't have anywhere... | ||
| He wasn't Nigerian, right? | ||
| He couldn't claim that. | ||
| And they didn't give him citizenship until he was a fucking famous basketball player. | ||
| Like, it's like, fucked, dude. | ||
| Where it's like, you gotta prove it. | ||
| But otherwise, it's like, what do you do if you don't... | ||
| But also, you have to make it kind of difficult. | ||
| Otherwise, you get spies that just come over here from Russia and become citizens and run for president. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, that's a real thing, too. | ||
| Yeah, we're back there. | ||
| I mean, isn't that what the real fear about someone like Arnold running for office? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would say, oh, he's not born here. | ||
| But how nutty is that? | ||
| You have to be born here? | ||
| The fucking guy's been here most of his life. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's true. | ||
| But even though he's a citizen, since his mother didn't have him come out of her body on this soil, it doesn't count. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| No, that is weird. | ||
| And I do think there was some talk of when he was... | ||
| People love that guy so much that there was some talk of trying to challenge it, but... | ||
| Yeah, but that... | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| But here's even crazier. | ||
| If you're born in Vancouver... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That does not, you're not allowed to come over here. | ||
| But if you're born in fucking Hawaii, that's five miles across, five hours across the ocean in a jet. | ||
| That's America. | ||
| Dude, some guy in the 30s, we really wanted pineapples. | ||
| So that's, you know what I mean? | ||
| Or Alaska. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How about Alaska? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That place is nuts. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| They bought that in the 1800s. | ||
| Rush is like, yeah, what the fuck are we doing with this? | ||
| What are we doing with this place? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have it. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| We're tired of this shit. | ||
| That's the greatest purchase ever. | ||
| Alaska? | ||
| What about the Louisiana purchase? | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Well, yeah, and then purchasing New York. | ||
| They go to New York for like $9. | ||
| I don't know that you'd call that a purchase. | ||
| That was more like a, come on. | ||
| Tony Soprano type deal. | ||
| I think they were just like, can we have it? | ||
| And they're like, don't even understand what they're talking about. | ||
| And they're like, he said yes! | ||
| It's ours now! | ||
| And they're like, hey, can we get this back? | ||
| And they're like, uh... | ||
| Imagine someone saying, can we buy this from you? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, give me $50. | ||
| You're like, okay, yeah. | ||
| Fucking idiots. | ||
| Like, nah, dude, we got them. | ||
| They said it. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| They probably had no concept of it. | ||
| If you think about it, if you live in teepees and you're nomadic and you travel, the idea of owning a spot? | ||
| Yeah, whatever, dude. | ||
| Like, what are you going to do here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to stay here? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| What if the fucking deer leave? | ||
| Yeah, you fucking morons. | ||
| People are morons. | ||
| They're gonna starve here. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what they... | ||
| Yeah, claiming it was sold is always like, come on. | ||
| That's a very good point that I really never considered until just now. | ||
| Let's talk about squirting for another 45 minutes. | ||
| Native Americans squirted. | ||
| And what did they call it? | ||
| The eagle's breath. | ||
|
unidentified
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Ah! | |
| This one will be a warrior. | ||
| Anyone conceived of the eagle's breath shall grow to be chief. | ||
| You ever see the video of the girl getting her vagina tattooed and she squirts in the tattooer's face? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I think it's fake though. | ||
|
unidentified
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Probably. | |
| Do you think it's fake, Jamie? | ||
| I think it's set up. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Too perfect. | ||
| The angle looks too good. | ||
| It's like you're seeing her leg and he's in there and takes it in the face from the side. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| You know, it just seems... | ||
| Nah, we saw some real footage. | ||
| And for the folks that know, I'm sorry you weren't a part of this educational process. | ||
| Also, I would imagine if you're getting your vag tattooed, you would probably want curtains up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you wouldn't be like out there. | ||
| Yeah, that's fake as shit. | ||
| Yeah, let me see it. | ||
| So it's running up. | ||
| It looks like someone had a hose underneath her butt. | ||
| See, like, look. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| She's getting her vag tattooed. | ||
| Oh, that's not a great spot. | ||
| But she's also... | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| One more time, please. | ||
| It'll reset, I'm sure. | ||
| But it's also... | ||
| Like, why is she getting her vag tattooed while these guys are just hanging out looking at their phone? | ||
| Oh, that's like the SNL sketch where they were all throwing up with the tube out of their fucking wrist. | ||
| So fake. | ||
| That's so fake. | ||
| I think it's coming from the side, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's too thick, too. | ||
| She has a dick. | ||
| If it comes out that hard, she's got a big fat hog. | ||
| Dude, that's, yeah, think about that. | ||
| We're talking about a fucking hog. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| We're talking about a five-inch around dick. | ||
| And it looks like it's coming from below her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like it's coming from under her cheeks. | ||
| Very poorly done. | ||
| Well, they got me. | ||
| Yeah, just like the Manhattan purchase. | ||
| There's so much of that now. | ||
| You never know what's real and what's fake. | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| Except grainy ring camera footage from third world countries of people getting shot. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| There's a lot of that, bro. | ||
| Or Russian dash cam. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that. | ||
| Those motherfuckers are getting fucked up. | ||
| Instagram is wild these days. | ||
| Did you see that drive-by yesterday? | ||
| Where? | ||
|
unidentified
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What the fuck? | |
| There's a video that goes around, I feel like, every day that everybody ends up seeing. | ||
| Yesterday was this crazy drive-by video. | ||
| Where? | ||
| I don't know where. | ||
| Can we see it? | ||
| Let's close with that, Jamie. | ||
| Let's close with a good old American drive-by. | ||
| And by the way, before we close, I brought you a calendar again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Another calendar! | |
| Thank you! | ||
| The Stavi Baby Erotic calendar. | ||
| Go watch the special. | ||
| Buy the calendar. | ||
| I'm naked in all of them. | ||
| May I see your titties? | ||
| A lot of good stuff. | ||
| Shot in Austin at a pool in Austin, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| For reference online. | ||
| Oh, I like the Terminator. | ||
| The Terminator, huh? | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking badass. | ||
| The Olympics. | ||
| So this is it? | ||
| Yeah, this is the video. | ||
| I'm not going to show it online, but there's a still frame if you want to find it yourself. | ||
| Look on Twitter, type in Drive-By. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That's too loud to watch, but there's a whole breakdown here. | ||
| Watch this guy down here. | ||
| He's still fighting. | ||
| This guy's still fighting. | ||
| Oh no, dude, that sucks. | ||
| This guy's still fighting. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck! | |
| But they come back. | ||
| The video's not over. | ||
| Oh, no, dude. | ||
| Coming back. | ||
| They're still shooting. | ||
| They're still shooting. | ||
| This guy's still... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| This definitely doesn't like America. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| But they're about to come back and finish. | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| See, this guy almost tries to get up. | ||
| Oh, this fucking guy. | ||
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| He's just checking. | ||
| He knows this is over now. | ||
| This is bad. | ||
| There's a guy up here. | ||
| You can't see. | ||
| And he starts unloading on him over here. | ||
| Oh, no, dude. | ||
| Oh, my God, dude. | ||
| And they all come up and finish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck! | |
| He shot the hat off his fucking head! | ||
| Oh, my God, dude. | ||
| That sucks, dude. | ||
| It gets really more violent here. | ||
| More violent? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| There's still 20 seconds left in this video. | ||
| Oh, this sucks. | ||
| Oh, my God, dude. | ||
| No, no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And it becomes not a drive-by anymore, too. | ||
| Dude, no, don't shoot the fat guy in the house. | ||
| It looks like those are the only guys that get shot here. | ||
| Very targeted. | ||
| They made sure that everyone was dead. | ||
| Oh my god, what the fuck, dude? | ||
| This went crazy viral yesterday. | ||
| Where is this supposedly taking place? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just saw like this is the craziest drive-by video and then I saw five more times over the day. | ||
| Good god almighty. | ||
| There's so much of that kind of stuff now available online because of fucking these cameras and shit and cell phones. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like Instagram is flooded with Dude, that's fucking wild. | |
| Me and Segura every day send each other shit. | ||
| Like the worst shit we could find. | ||
| I'm kind of upset that I didn't send him that. | ||
| I'll get it to him before the podcast. | ||
| My Instagram is purely like, you know, is like girls with huge tits stretching. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| That's a healthy algorithm. | ||
| Some steaks. | ||
| I've actually been watching guys grill steaks and then girls with huge tits stretching. | ||
| Muscle mommies, of course. | ||
| Oh, I'd be remiss not to take... | ||
| I come on the show yearly to beg for muscle mommy pussy, so we did it last time if anybody's around. | ||
| I did fuck one strong girl this year. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| But I'd like to get those numbers up, Joe. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| This is the place to call for it. | ||
| This is probably a lot of jack girls in the gym right now going, he's funny. | ||
| How about enough big dick in my life? | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| And of course, watch the special, please. | ||
| Special. | ||
| It's out now. | ||
| Out now. | ||
| Fat Rascal. | ||
| Fat Rascal. | ||
| I'm very proud of it. | ||
| I can't, yeah. | ||
| I'm pumped. | ||
| Please watch it, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks for having me, dude. | |
| You're a funny motherfucker. | ||
| I appreciate you. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| It's always fun hanging out with you. | ||
| This one was a banger. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. |
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