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May 25, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:53:44
Joe Rogan Experience #1990 - Bert Kreischer
Participants
Main voices
b
bert kreischer
01:35:57
j
joe rogan
01:04:45
Appearances
j
jamie vernon
02:58
Clips
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b-real
00:06
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Speaker Time Text
unidentified
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!
The Joe Rogan Experience Showing my day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!
bert kreischer
Love you to death Brother, I love you way more than you'll ever love me and you know that I told you that last night.
joe rogan
That's a ridiculous thing to say to a person.
bert kreischer
You changed my life immeasurably.
joe rogan
You changed mine too.
We changed each other's lives.
We really did.
I just get too much credit.
It's all of us.
It's like we did it all together.
We all did it together.
Without good friends, nobody really succeeds because you don't appreciate it if it's just you.
It doesn't seem fair.
It seems all fucked up.
bert kreischer
I keep saying to people, you gotta surround yourselves with the motherfuckers.
If you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog, then you're with the wrong dudes.
Someone said to me, you're always talking like, You're not a great comic and your friends are so much better.
I go, they are.
Look who my fucking friends are.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Like my friends, I surround myself by people that are way better than me.
And then I just listen.
I don't, not listen a lot, but...
joe rogan
We all rise up together.
It's an old expression that the rising tide raises all boats.
It really does.
It's good for everybody.
It's like you want killers.
We got into this because we love comedy, and now we're in it.
And when you're in it, it's so scary, and it's so weird, and it's so chaotic, and people are comparing themselves to other people, and it causes all this totally unnecessary conflict.
And if you just remember why you got it in the first place, you got it in the first place because you love to watch it.
And then you did it, and then you got selfish.
And you started thinking about yourself.
You started thinking about, I want to kill, and I want to be better, and I want to be the number one person.
bert kreischer
Watching where other people are in their career.
How come I don't have a 30-minute, half-hour special?
joe rogan
And people get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life.
But in their mind, they associate that person with something negative because they feel bad when they think about them because that person's more successful than them.
It makes them feel bad, so they think that person's bad.
It's like a weird, selfish way of thinking about stuff.
And every comic used to have that back in the day.
Dice was talking about how every comic would fuck every comic over, and they would do something that would fuck up your set.
He was talking about what he did on Dangerfield's Young Comedian special.
Someone else on the show wanted to wear a leather jacket, the day of, a biker jacket, like the same jacket that Dice wears.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And Rodney stopped it and he put the kibosh on it.
But the comics would always do that kind of shit to each other.
bert kreischer
It was like that when I started.
It's not like that.
It's way less like that now.
Like, I feel like...
The amount of love I've gotten from comics these last couple weeks promoting the movie, the love I've gotten from them has made me feel good.
I get really nice texts from people.
I was telling you, I'm going to name drop right away.
Chappelle was the fucking sweetest guy in the world.
joe rogan
He's the nicest guy of all time.
bert kreischer
He was the sweetest guy.
I wanted to meet that guy.
Joe, I wanted to meet him for so long because he's my favorite.
Out of all the comics when I moved to New York that I could watch, it was Chappelle the way he did it.
It was like watching jazz, right?
And then Attell was almost like watching the fucking fish or the dead.
And you're like, it's not jazz.
I don't know what the fuck that is, but it's totally different.
I don't understand it.
Hedberg was like that.
Those are the guys.
Geraldo.
Those were the...
Patrice.
But Chappelle was like the great white...
I told him that.
I said, you're like a great white shark.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
You don't see, like, you walk into a room, you're like, oh, fuck!
Fuck!
And he goes, he was like, he was like, man, he was very nice.
He goes, you've always spoken very nice about me.
And I was like, yeah, that's how it works.
Like, when you're a cool person, people talk good about you.
joe rogan
Yeah.
It should be how it works.
But, you know, you see people even talking shit about him.
I've seen people talk shit about him that are comics.
It's like, goddammit.
bert kreischer
You know what it is?
You said it earlier.
It's transactional.
It's like they think that it's gonna help put them over.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's a weird thing that we all do.
Because social interaction is very much like a game sometimes.
There's like moves, and then there's counter moves, and you're trying to get a better position.
It's like a little social wrestling match sometimes.
bert kreischer
I've seen people do it.
Like when you're a room full of famous people, there's a couple types of people.
There's people that work the room, and then there's people like me who leave the room.
Because I go, this is overwhelming me.
This is too weird.
I'm going to get too drunk.
I'm going to say something fucked up.
It's too weird.
joe rogan
It's too weird.
I know.
It's like, god damn.
It's weird to be one.
It's weird to be around them.
It's like we've all known each other for so long that we know each other.
Whereas you meet someone and they're already famous, it's like how much do they even let you in?
It seems like a weird life.
bert kreischer
It's funny, I remember when all the fucking Ivermectican shit was going on with you, and Georgia was like, sitting at the table, and she's on her phone, and she goes, oh my god, do you know this guy?
And I went, yeah.
She goes, really?
I said, you do too, dummy.
She goes, who is he?
I go, the guy with the chickens.
She goes, oh wait.
I like that guy.
You're looking at your phone, and I think that's what happens, is you look at a celebrity or someone, and you brand them with the thing that you think on the outside.
I know I've been guilty of it, but I've talked shit about people before.
Just fucking around.
Just fucking around, because you just don't think they'll never hear it.
I'll give you a perfect one.
I used to say that I think I could beat up Stylebender.
If we were drinking, we had to drink the same amount of beers and then get in a cage.
We each had to drink 12 beers and get in a cage.
And it was a joke.
I was fucking around with Tommy.
I never thought I'd meet Stylebender.
I never thought that motherfucker rolls up to my show in New Zealand and, first of all, he's way bigger than you think.
Way bigger than you think, okay?
And his hands are huge and they're soft.
And the first thing he does, Joe, is he grabs my arm to like dap me up and he throws a knee.
And he grabs me by the back of the neck and goes, you still think you could fuck me up?
And I'm like, I'm so sorry.
But you know what?
You know what?
That guy is the coolest motherfucker.
Like, the coolest.
I mean, he's one of my motherfuckers where I go...
He treated everyone as if he wasn't the middleweight champion of the world.
He treated them as if he was just some guy that was into comic books and into anime.
And he met Jared Hess, the director of Napoleon Dynamite, was at my show.
And he geeked out.
He was like, oh, you did Napoleon Dynamite?
And Jared Hess is going, this is...
Israel Adesanya!
Like, holy shit!
And then, and then, Joe...
And, Izzy, I'm sorry if I talk too much sometimes.
We end up at a bar at like 3 in the fucking morning.
And he is.
I'm faded.
I don't know if he was drinking too much at all.
I don't even know if he's drinking.
But we get pretty lit.
In a bar at 3 in the morning in New Zealand, and he stands up, and I stand up with him back to back, shirtless, both of us.
And we challenge everyone in the bar to a fist.
Oh, you have it!
Oh, this is...
joe rogan
What are you challenging ever in the bar?
unidentified
Who won it?
What are you doing?
bert kreischer
You're challenging a bar to fight.
joe rogan
And this is in another country?
bert kreischer
Yeah, this is!
joe rogan
Jesus Christ, Bert.
bert kreischer
We were fucking, dude, this motherfucker is the coolest guy in the fucking world!
joe rogan
He literally is.
bert kreischer
He stands up and he goes, who has that?
joe rogan
He's one of the coolest guys that's ever lived.
jamie vernon
It's on his Twitter.
bert kreischer
Oh, it's on his Twitter?
unidentified
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
bert kreischer
Oh, shit.
joe rogan
Look at this.
bert kreischer
He goes, he stands up and he goes, his first words out of his mouth, I'll kill every motherfucker in the room for this man right here!
So then you know my shirt comes off.
I go, I thought we were doing a Steve Harvey bit.
You ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his wife?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
It'll make you cry, because I know how much you love your wife.
His wife's name is Marjorie.
I thought Stylebender was doing a Steve Harvey bit because Steve Harvey has this moment where he's doing an award show and he hears a song and he goes, ooh, I'm having me a moment.
And he goes, that's our song.
And then it's a cool moment.
He goes, she's mine.
Oh, this is it.
This is it.
This will make you cry, man.
I mean, I get emotional watching this.
unidentified
I just had a moment.
And that's me and my wife's song too.
I met her in 86, 87 when the song came out.
Then God gave her back to me in 2005. I put her name on the back.
Man, do you understand me?
That's mine right there.
Yeah, I own you and you own me.
I will kill everybody in here about your ass.
Please understand that about the way I love you, Marjorie Elaine.
You understand me?
I kill everybody in here.
I swear to God.
bert kreischer
I thought he was doing a...
I thought he was doing a...
He goes, he goes, ask the Lord about me.
unidentified
I killed every motherfucker in here.
joe rogan
That's hilarious.
So you thought Stylebender was doing that?
bert kreischer
Because Leigh-Anne sends me Steve Harvey clips, and she had just sent him, and I thought, he must have seen the clip, it must be going viral.
So I thought he was doing Stylebender, so I go, I can't have a motherfucker in!
unidentified
He's mine, and I'm him!
bert kreischer
I thought he was doing Steve Harvey.
joe rogan
Oh my god!
bert kreischer
And then we start going table to table, Joe.
We go table to table, challenging motherfuckers.
Who wants it?
Look, look at these big dudes behind them, these big Samoan guys.
We're like, who wants it?
Who wants it?
joe rogan
Bro, this could have gone horribly wrong.
bert kreischer
I was challenging the female tables.
Exclusively.
joe rogan
What if there was rugby players there or something?
bert kreischer
He's the middleweight champion of the world!
I'm gonna stand my fucking ground!
joe rogan
Oh my god, that's so dangerous.
bert kreischer
We ended up buying the whole bar shots.
joe rogan
Oh, that's good.
bert kreischer
Three times.
Whoa.
Filled him up.
Fuck, round him up!
joe rogan
Jesus, that must have been a drunk place.
bert kreischer
It was.
And then he texted me the next morning, like, boom, he's out, he's out.
He didn't, I don't think he drinks up as much as I do.
And that dude, I'll tell you, I'm a ride or die for him.
He was the nicest.
We sat and talked.
We just talked about like, you know, something really important in life is celebrating.
Like celebrating victories.
I love the way he does that.
I really do.
When he has a victory, he goes on like a celebration tour and I feel like the universe then fucking is set right.
Leanne has a phrase.
It's called, earn your Mondays, right?
So, like, I'm gonna get emotional telling this.
It's a cool fucking thing.
It's earn your Mondays.
It means bust your ass all fucking weekend for us comics.
All weekend, all weekend.
And do so well, you earn your Monday.
You don't have to pick up the phone.
You don't have to do a fucking thing.
You can just fucking sit back in the cut and go, I earned my Monday.
Like Amy Schumer's movie Trainwreck did really well, right?
It's opening week.
And that's when Leanne said it the first time.
She goes, man, she earned her Monday.
I said, what do you mean?
She goes, she did press for two weeks leading up to this.
She's been going theater to theater trying to help sell tickets.
And it's done.
And it did well.
She earned her Monday.
And I think it might be in Scientology.
It might be a thing in Scientology, but...
When Izzy earns his Monday, after that fight, the way he celebrates life for two weeks, he goes out, he's in Miami, he's in New York, he's in Vegas, he's in LA, he's in London.
He does a tour.
I said to him, I go, that's really inspirational.
The way that you look at life as it needs to be.
He goes, yeah, you gotta celebrate these moments.
I think it's cool as fuck.
Wait till you see the fucking bender I'm going on if my movie does well this weekend.
unidentified
How could you ramp it up any more than you're already doing it?
bert kreischer
Dude, listen, I'll tell you what, I'm going to rehab.
I want someone to chloroform me at the premiere, and I wake up a week later, they go, your movie did great, Bert.
Your body's clean, you've been hydrated, you slept.
Just keep you on a constant IV. Dude, I need to say this real quick right now.
Everyone, please go to movie theaters this weekend and see my movie The Machine.
Please go out of the house.
Buy a ticket to a movie theater.
That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters.
So if you love me or you've ever loved me, you used to love me, you think I'm annoying as fuck now, whatever the fuck it is, just give me a shot.
Get out of the house and go see the story that started on this fucking podcast.
I would have never told it on stage if this man right here didn't say, you have to tell it on stage.
This is your fucking movie.
You need to know him as the machine.
From now on, call out his name at shows.
Make him tell that story.
I leaked the trailer.
This movie was going to sit on a fucking shelf.
Joe, you've done so much for me.
Do it for Joe, guys.
Do it for Joe.
joe rogan
Do it for me.
bert kreischer
Prove that he's the motherfucker.
joe rogan
Well, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man.
bert kreischer
It's a good movie.
It's an action.
joe rogan
It's going to be fun.
bert kreischer
It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen.
And I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is.
It's just fucking fun.
And I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest.
I'm not an actor.
They're like, what are the kissing scenes like?
like and I'm like rough we have one kissing scene *laughter* I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the action when I read the scripts.
I just read the dialogue.
So I don't read like, you know, hey, Bert comes back, kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet.
I just go like, oh, Leanne was in Serbia, and they were like, hey, you have a kissing scene today.
I was like, what?
And they're like, yeah, you're your wife.
And I was like, shut the fuck up.
I was like, is that cool?
And Leanne's like, yeah, you're an actor.
I was like, yeah, but I haven't cheated on you in, like, ever.
Like, I haven't kissed someone in 20 fucking years.
She was like, it's just acting.
And I was like, okay.
All I'll say is, the pants I was wearing were loose-fitting, and I don't wear underwear.
We did one take, and I was like, costume change, please.
They're like, what?
I was like, I need to change my pants.
I guess I'm not an actor.
I'm just a regular dude.
joe rogan
Oh my goodness, Bert.
bert kreischer
They're like, huh?
And I was like, I don't know.
What the fuck are you supposed to do?
You're supposed to kiss someone and then just...
Like, how the fuck does that work?
You ever kiss someone?
joe rogan
Your body doesn't know that it's just acting.
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
How could it?
bert kreischer
Yeah!
I did the first kiss.
My wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck.
By the way, I've talked with her, and we've talked about this a number of times.
And she goes, we did the first kiss, and I'm like, I don't know, I'm just like, you know.
And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it.
Like, really go for it.
And I was like, for real?
She's like, yeah, like, try to knock me off my feet.
Like, kiss me.
So I was like, okay.
I'm thinking about it.
I'm going to fucking...
Walk up.
And as soon as...
And then she kissed back.
And I was like, what the fuck is happening?
This is different.
Holy shit.
And then I'm like, costume change!
I need tape!
I need tape!
Someone get me ice!
joe rogan
Are you allowed to talk about that?
bert kreischer
You're not supposed to.
You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say, here, ask me what the kissing scene was like.
joe rogan
What was the kissing scene like?
bert kreischer
You know, it was good.
It's just acting.
It's just acting.
It's what we do as actors.
joe rogan
Which is true.
bert kreischer
Yeah, well, it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie.
It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie.
It's because you make out with her a couple times, you're like, that was fucking nice.
I wonder what it's like.
And then you're laying in bed going, hmm, hmm.
And Jennifer Aniston's texting, you're like, pass, pass.
Like, fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day.
All day, I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes.
Kissed her.
Like, got comfortable kissing her.
And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like, hey, you wanna...
I was like, beat it, scissor lips.
I was like, I'm fucking...
I'll come back to you when I need to.
joe rogan
Oh, how rude.
bert kreischer
My wife's got a good sense of humor.
joe rogan
I hope so.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
The whole fucking...
I mean, the whole movie in general was like...
I was not...
I ripped my fucking arm.
I blew my arm out, but...
joe rogan
What is it like to have a story get turned into a movie?
That's gotta be weird as fuck.
bert kreischer
Uh...
joe rogan
Like a story that you kind of have to tell now.
If you do a show and you don't tell the machine story, people will get angry at you.
bert kreischer
They did it last time I was here.
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
We were up here and they started chanting the machines.
And I was like, guys, I'm at the Comedy Mothership.
I'm just in an hour 15. And that was the best.
That was one of the cool...
That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells Tater Salad.
And the place is like, Ron White's here?
And Ron's like, fuck it, I'm coming down!
Ron White comes on stage, tells Tater Salad.
I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow Tater Salad!
The best story ever told!
So, it's surreal having your life turned into a movie.
It's surreal.
It was emotional at times, and then it's weird because I feel very vulnerable.
Because some of the questions people ask, they put teeth in it.
They're like, so you rob people.
And you're like, okay.
Jesus Christ.
So you approve of what the mafia does.
You're like into the mafia.
And I'm like...
Hey, man, can we not make this for real?
You're keeping your eyes open while we kiss.
Let's fucking just make it regular, like Good Morning America.
joe rogan
So they got upset with the premise?
bert kreischer
They read half of it, and then they're like, so you're in the mafia?
And you're like, no, it's a little more complex.
No, but you got welcomed into the mafia, and you're like, Yeah, kind of.
It's better when you hear the whole story.
I think I tell it a little different.
And they're like, and you robbed your friends.
Are they cool with you now?
And I'm like, yeah, yeah.
Some of them are coming to the premiere.
Like, fucking Jesus Christ.
Can we move to the next subject?
I don't believe in vaccines.
unidentified
Oh, my God.
bert kreischer
Yeah, it's been interesting.
It's been fun.
I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story has reached.
Like, I didn't expect certain people to be, like, fans of mine.
Like, and I know that sounds, like, bad, but, like...
When you look at your audiences, my audience kind of looks like the same one thing.
Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve, they all have beards, they're all a little overweight.
That's my fan base.
I literally go, hey man, I can tell you the sponsors I can get for my tour.
Lipitor would be a good sponsor.
Some blood pressure medicine.
Some beard trimmers.
Not Lipitor.
I know we're talking about statins.
But I know my fan base.
And then you get dudes who are like, I fucking love you.
Like Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
I was like, you know who I am?
He was like, yeah, why wouldn't I? I was like, I don't know, I just didn't think.
You know, like Nori from Dream Champs.
He's like, dude, I'm the best.
He goes, I told my wife, we got my favorite comedian coming on, and she's like, you mean the big fat white guy who takes his shirt off?
And you're like, wait, when you're younger, you try so hard to appeal to all demographics.
It's like fake.
And then once you're yourself, You're truly yourself.
That's when you appeal.
That's when you're the most appealing.
Does that make sense?
joe rogan
It does make sense.
Yeah.
Because it's hard to do.
It's hard to do publicly.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly.
bert kreischer
Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly, you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix.
joe rogan
Oh my god, for sure.
bert kreischer
You start going like, yeah, I don't want to...
Secret Time?
Well, this will air.
It'll be fine.
The premiere's tomorrow.
I'm flying back tonight for the premiere.
The premiere list is fucking thick.
It's fucking thick.
It's my algorithm.
It's Snoop Dogg porn stars and fucking radio DJs.
A couple pro servers.
It's my algorithm.
My watch dealer.
unidentified
But...
bert kreischer
Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay and watch the movie?
And I was like, are we not supposed to?
He was like, I'm not going to watch myself on screen.
And I was like, why?
And he was like, oh, are you being serious?
He's like, you want to just sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself?
I was like, hey, Mark, secret time.
I'm going to cry watching myself.
I'm going to cry and I'm going to mouth my lines.
I did that when we did the first testing of the movie.
They sat me in the front row.
I had two bottles of wine.
I sat with Leanne.
I had a notebook.
I was supposed to write things in for notes.
The movie starts and I start bawling crying.
I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines.
I'm laughing hysterically.
I'm like, I loved watching me.
More than a narcissist would ever like...
It was like the craziest thing.
So we go to the next screening and Kale, our producer, pulls me aside and he goes, I'm gonna ask you to sit in the back.
I said, what?
And he goes, it kind of affects the way people watch the movie.
I said, what do you mean?
He goes, I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear but gay.
He goes, fucking sit in the back.
So the next time I sat in the back, but I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel.
Like I remember doing all these things and now they're all cut cool.
And so I was like, I don't know.
I guess.
I don't know.
I think I'll watch the movie.
I guess I would.
But Mark's not going to watch it.
Secret time.
joe rogan
Well, that's not very secret, and I get both perspectives.
Like, you made it.
It seems weird that he would, like, he's trying to, like, enforce that on you.
bert kreischer
No, no, he was just like, he was like, you're cool with that?
Like, I've heard a few people, like, there are people like, do you listen to your own podcast?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
Okay, I can throw on an old...
joe rogan
But I might if it's, like, if it's a Huberman podcast or one of those ones where I'm going to try to implement whatever they're talking about.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
So maybe with those I would listen to it again just to try to remember.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And write shit down.
Because he gives you so many different beneficial things.
You have to kind of go back and write them down and try to keep track of them.
bert kreischer
There's certain people who can listen to their own...
I can throw on an old two bears from during the pandemic, and I will...
It's like a warm blanket.
I go, I remember that day.
I remember that.
It's fun.
So I'm going to sit and watch myself in the movie theater.
I want to see 750 people.
joe rogan
Why not?
bert kreischer
Yeah, right?
Why not?
joe rogan
It's your movie.
bert kreischer
Dude.
joe rogan
It's just weird that people would think that that's weird.
It's like, of course you want to see your movie.
You want to see people see your movie, too.
bert kreischer
They said to me, when are you getting to the red carpet?
And I said, well, the movie starts at 7 and the red carpet opens at 3, so maybe like 2.30.
And they're like, wait, what do you mean?
I go, it's a premiere of my movie.
I want to be on the red carpet as long as I can.
And they're like, no, you need to show up at like 6 o'clock.
And then you're the last one on.
And I'm like, wait, I'm going to miss all the people?
Like, I thought I'd be like, hey, welcome to the red carpet.
You know, like, it's okay to see you.
unidentified
Oh, shit.
bert kreischer
Give them a hug and see people.
And they're like, no, you're in a movie now.
You need to be like...
And I was like, oh, that's not how I'm going to do it.
So I changed the red carpet.
I changed it.
unidentified
Really?
bert kreischer
Yeah, I fucking just changed it.
I was like, that's not how we're doing it.
We're doing it like waste management.
It's a fucking party.
People are drinking beers.
Fans have access.
Let's fucking throw back.
And I'm going to be here the whole time.
I'm going to fucking host it.
I don't give a shit.
Like, I'm going to fucking party.
If Snoop Dogg comes walking down the red carpet, you don't think I'm going to run over and take a picture with him?
Come on.
You know me, Joe.
I am not a play it cool guy.
I'm not a play it cool guy.
I don't know how to play it cool.
I do it the way I do it.
I like it.
You only get one run at this fucking life.
joe rogan
Yeah, also, fuck playing it cool.
Just be whoever you are.
bert kreischer
Do you know what it was?
I've been trying to work this as a bit, a little bit, but I can't.
I had a weird morning.
No shade on anybody.
I had a weird morning where I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger and I ran into Edward Norton at breakfast within an hour.
Like, in Santa Monica.
It was really crazy.
Now, I watched two, arguably, movie stars.
Movie stars.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Norton interact in public.
Edward Norton's cool as fuck.
He's Dude Fight Club, one of my favorite movies ever.
The one where he plays the guy with the two accents.
That's fucking...
He's an awesome dude.
But when I recognized him and I gave him energy, like when I recognized him, you could see him just be like, uh-huh, yeah, okay, cool.
Like, just kind of like, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he gets recognized, he gives you, he matches your energy.
He gives you the thing you want.
The moment you want, when he comes up on TV and people go, I met Arnold Schwarzenegger, they go, how was he?
Not one person, maybe I'm sure there's people that say bad things, but like, everyone I met, when I watched him interact with people, Fucking loved him.
He was the coolest dude.
You know what he was, Joe?
He was like a movie star.
He was like a...
He brought the 1980s, hey, it's good to see you.
Hey, Bart, come here, let me tell you.
I've got an accent, but he's like...
joe rogan
Can I just tell you, I think with some sensitive people, I think your happy, fun guy energy sometimes throws people off.
bert kreischer
You could be there.
joe rogan
And they're like, gotta get out of here.
Because you're like, oh my god, it's fucking Ed Norton!
bert kreischer
I went like this, Joe.
unidentified
I went like, oh!
joe rogan
Yeah, exactly.
Like, dude, that guy can't handle that.
bert kreischer
He poor guy was like, and I tagged him in Instagram.
joe rogan
He's a really nice guy.
I had him on the podcast.
He's really interesting.
bert kreischer
For real?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
bert kreischer
Dude, he's the, he is, he's my Hulk.
joe rogan
He's the best Hulk.
bert kreischer
He's the best Hulk.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's the best Hulk.
bert kreischer
Dude, that movie where he does the dude with two accents, you know the movie I'm talking about?
joe rogan
But that Mark Ruffalo Hulk is pretty fucking good, too.
Pretty fucking good.
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
It's a fucking toss-up, dude.
It's a toss-up.
And the Avengers...
bert kreischer
Ed Norton's my guy.
When Leanne dumped me, when Leanne dumped me, I watched Fight Club on repeat over and over and over and over again.
When they play the Pixies at the end of the fucking movie, Where Is My Mind?
And he said...
And the buildings are crumbling...
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Ed Norton's my motherfucker.
He's a dude.
I love that guy.
But you're right.
My energy might have fucking freaked him out.
I freaked out Tom Cruise real bad.
joe rogan
You probably freak people out, man.
You probably freak people out.
You got a lot going on.
There's a lot happening.
It's all positive, but it's like for some people, it's like there's too much sensory input here.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I gotta get out of here.
bert kreischer
Leanne says I cast a large wake.
joe rogan
That's a good way of putting it.
That's a healthy way of putting it.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
It was really tough doing the movie because everyone was fucking Eastern European.
And my sense of humor is not Eastern European.
joe rogan
Did they understand?
bert kreischer
No.
joe rogan
No?
bert kreischer
No.
They thought...
The words, I guess, when you...
Look, I'm not an expert, but the words in the Slavic language or whatever they speak in Serbia to explain me, the words they use are unpredictable.
Yeah.
Explosive.
I think those are the words that you would use that personality.
There was a scene in the movie with my co-star that in order to do it, she had to be put into a cast and she couldn't move.
And she wasn't comfortable doing it with me because the words to describe me are, he's unpredictable, you don't know what he's going to do.
I think in English, I just think our, this is a horrible thing to say, but I think our language is more slangy, so we get things a little easier.
I know when I was in Russia, they didn't have a lot of slangs.
Like, that wasn't their thing.
Because, you know, in a communist government, you want to make sure your words mean what you say.
That's why it's funny when I said I was the machine, because it's like the craziest thing you'd say to someone, your car?
And then you're like, yeah, and then he's a car!
He's a machine!
He's the machine!
Like, it was just funny that I would say that because they don't, slangs aren't their thing.
So she didn't want to do the scene with me.
joe rogan
Oh, isn't, yeah, isn't that, doesn't that mean car in Russian?
Yeah.
bert kreischer
La machina.
joe rogan
La machina, right.
bert kreischer
And I just walked in the door and said, I'm a car.
joe rogan
That's, isn't that, that's in John Wick 2. Yeah, I think it might be.
And he calls the dude up and says, you have La Machina?
You have my car?
Remember?
That's the scene where he's got the fucking 69 Mustang?
bert kreischer
Dude, let me tell you something.
Keanu Reeves?
That's the motherfucker.
After you do an action scene and then you watch John Wick, you're like, that's learning the ballet.
Like that guy, those things he does in that movie, they are, I would argue, someone like you who's into martial arts and knows how to use his body, I'd be interested to see you, that would be a cool thing to see you do one of the John Wick sequences.
Does that interest you at all?
Those badass sequences that he does?
joe rogan
Like movies?
bert kreischer
No, no, no, no, no.
Just for fun.
You know, we go out and we shoot with Taron, and we learn the John Wick guns and stuff?
If they had a class where you could just go, hey man, for this week we're going to teach you a John Wick sequence, just to see if you could learn it.
Because it's really...
joe rogan
It's very complex.
bert kreischer
A very simple fight scene.
I punched like three dudes on a movie.
Because I don't...
I just am not...
I get overexcited and I just would punch them.
But they were like cage fighters.
So they're like, I don't give a fuck.
Just hit me.
I'd rather you hit me than it not look good.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
But what John Wick does, I couldn't do that.
That's like somersaults and sliding your leg underneath people's legs to leverage them.
joe rogan
No, especially in the first movie.
bert kreischer
Look at this.
joe rogan
In John Wick 1, that scene where he goes through the disco, the Red Circle Club, that fucking scene is insane.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, but here's what's weird about it.
Look, I love that movie.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But why?
It's the sexy assassin that you root for.
The whole thing is like, have we forgiven his past where he worked for the Russian mob and killed how many fucking people that didn't deserve to be killed?
He was the guy you sent in to kill people.
It's the weirdest sort of hero that's ever existed.
Because it's so satisfying because they killed his puppy.
bert kreischer
Dude, I thought you were going to say that.
That's why we like him.
It's because his dog.
joe rogan
It's one of the fucking greatest scenes ever in a movie that sets up what the movie is about.
When the Russian guy is talking to his son and he punches his son.
And he said, what?
I stole a fucking car.
And he punches his son in the stomach.
And then he pops open the liquor and he goes, my son, it's not what you did, it's who you did it to.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
And he goes, who, that fucking nobody?
unidentified
And he just goes, that fucking nobody is John Wick.
bert kreischer
John Wick.
joe rogan
It's one of the greatest fucking scenes ever to set up how the movie's going to set up.
unidentified
It's a nice jacket.
Thanks.
- Thanks. - Like in this scene, you're going, what the fuck is going on?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
unidentified
Should I go?
There you go.
English, please, come on.
joe rogan
Stay, goddammit!
unidentified
What did I do?
We did what you asked.
No one saw shit.
I'm not talking about that Atlantic City, you know?
What the?
You mean Aurelio's?
joe rogan
So I stole the fucking car!
unidentified
Oh fuck!
Right, you stay!
*Clears throat* It's not what you did, son.
It angers me, son.
It's who you did it to.
Who?
bert kreischer
The fucking nobody?
unidentified
That fucking nobody...
is John Wick.
bert kreischer
Dude, what a cool fucking scene.
joe rogan
What a fucking cool scene.
bert kreischer
Look at this.
joe rogan
Oh, fucking look at this.
bert kreischer
My movie's not this good, Joe.
It's not this good.
joe rogan
The sexy assassin?
You just...
bert kreischer
Look at his body.
unidentified
You just awoken the sexy assassin.
bert kreischer
My movie might be the exact opposite of this.
joe rogan
The scene gets even better.
The whole thing is when they explain who John Wick is.
That fucking movie was so fun.
But it's like, why is that fun?
Why do you root for him?
Why are you rooting for this guy to just kill everybody over his dog?
It's like, just to get to this one guy to get revenge.
bert kreischer
That guy is the same guy from Game of Thrones.
joe rogan
Yes.
bert kreischer
He plays a bad guy so good.
joe rogan
Yes, he does.
The Game of Thrones character, oh my god.
bert kreischer
I may have a hard time ever seeing him as anything else than the guy that ate his dick on Game of Thrones.
joe rogan
Spoiler alert.
bert kreischer
Were you a Game of Thrones guy?
joe rogan
Loved it.
bert kreischer
Dude, were you a House of Dragons guy?
joe rogan
I loved both.
bert kreischer
Me too.
joe rogan
Yeah, they're great.
bert kreischer
I love that.
joe rogan
They're both great.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
Oh, they're so fun.
joe rogan
They're both really good.
I mean, you can't fault it.
It's super solid.
I think it takes a long time to make one of those, though.
Dude.
That has got to be like, Game of Thrones must be one of the most complex shows to ever choreograph and film the CGI. It's a movie.
You're making a movie every week.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
Man, the woman that plays Cersei in that is so beautiful.
She's just like...
I mean, one is just a stunning...
I've gone to her, like, Googled her name.
I forget her name, but I've Googled her and just looked at pictures of her.
She's got a little space between her teeth.
Man, quit with the fucking fixing what you think is your flaw.
Flaws are so fucking sexy.
Leanne fixed one of her flaws, and I fucking hate it.
She had a little hole, like a dilated pore hole right here on her cheek.
And I loved it.
I fucking loved it.
It made her look unique.
I loved it.
And a little crooked tooth.
Oh, whoa.
I'll stop talking about my wife.
Holy shit.
joe rogan
Jesus, Bert.
bert kreischer
Lena Headley.
joe rogan
Jesus, keep it together, Bert.
Yes, beautiful lady.
bert kreischer
She was in fucking 300. That's right.
She is.
joe rogan
300 was a shit.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I'm not one of those.
Like, I'm not, I couldn't do, like, I couldn't do other people's movies.
I could just, I just want to be a movie star.
I want to do Fat Astronauts.
If this movie does well, hey guys, if the machine does well this weekend, we're getting a green light on Fat Astronauts Monday.
joe rogan
Well...
I think it's gonna do awesome.
bert kreischer
I hope it does.
I hope it does.
joe rogan
It looks fun.
Everybody's gonna love it.
It's gonna be a good time.
bert kreischer
Go out to the movie theaters, everybody.
Go to the machine.movie, get your tickets, and go enjoy the movies this weekend.
joe rogan
How many movie theaters got hit real hard because of the pandemic?
bert kreischer
A lot.
joe rogan
Must be most of them, right?
bert kreischer
What really sucks are the mom-and-pop ones.
So there's the mom-and-pop ones usually in Asian communities that do Asian films.
I know there's one in Korea I just read an article about that is fighting to stay around because it's in Little Korea or Koreatown.
And it just does.
It's a mom and pop.
Their concession stand looks like you're at a concession stand, like at a ballpark, like a Little League ballpark.
And I think those are the ones that took the big hits because they do have high rents because they're big spaces, but they don't have a company behind them to support them.
joe rogan
Right, that makes sense.
bert kreischer
Kevin Smith just bought the movie theater that he used to go to as a kid.
unidentified
Oh, really?
joe rogan
What's that?
bert kreischer
Ah, fuck, I don't listen well.
jamie vernon
He said it.
It was in Jersey, right?
bert kreischer
It was in Jersey.
jamie vernon
It used to be a two-screen, now it's a five-screen.
bert kreischer
We're going to do a screening of the machine out there, I think, this coming month.
joe rogan
Kevin Smith was one of the first guys to figure out to do...
He, like, had a theater to do his podcast in.
bert kreischer
Remember?
We just did a Two Bears, me and Kevin.
Like, he was a guest bear.
joe rogan
Guest bear.
bert kreischer
And he, uh...
He, um...
He walked me through it, and it's funny to hear him talk about podcasting and what he was doing.
It's almost like, imagine if our two timelines were like this, but he was doing it like 10 years before that.
Doing theaters, doing his podcast, doing that, and then all of a sudden he's like, and then Carolla got his podcast, and I'm like, wait, wait, hold on.
You were doing theaters and stuff?
And he was talking about the money they were getting at those times.
He was doing it for free at colleges and didn't know you could get paid to do it.
joe rogan
No kidding.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
Kevin Smith, man, he said, he goes, what?
Because, you know, he was like complimenting me that I was doing well.
He goes, what's the secret?
And I go, the secret is watch what Kevin Smith did 10 years ago and start doing it today.
He's a badass, dude.
joe rogan
He's a very cool guy.
bert kreischer
He changed, him and that group changed cinema Forever.
I mean, they created that whole independent filmmaking in like 95, 97 or something?
joe rogan
They certainly were a big part of it.
You know, independent filmmaking has always been really interesting because every now and then...
There's a great fucking movie that you just don't hear about.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because someone made it on a shoestring budget and they pieced it together with their uncle's money.
bert kreischer
Did you ever see the movie Run, Lola, Run?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
Joe.
joe rogan
What's it about, Bert?
bert kreischer
It's about a fucking chick.
Who just runs?
joe rogan
Just all day?
bert kreischer
She's got to get from point A to point B to like save her boyfriend or something.
And she gets a phone call?
Is this?
Hang on.
Oh, this is...
So wait.
Play it from the beginning so we can see what the thing is.
Okay.
Every second of every day...
You make a choice.
I can change your life.
unidentified
Okay.
bert kreischer
And she has to get from point A to point B, and she runs the whole way there, but stuff happened in between, and it's, oh yeah, her husband's robbing someone, I guess.
It's a foreign film that you literally are on the edge of your seats.
It's one of those movies where you're like, small budget, just fucking good.
joe rogan
Yeah, they exist.
Just probably hard to publicize them, probably hard to find.
But you know, then there's also small-budget movies that are terrible that are awesome, too.
bert kreischer
The one with Franco?
joe rogan
Like, really bad movies are fucking amazing, because if they're not trying to be funny, but they are funny.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like, what was the one, The Room?
bert kreischer
The Room, where one James Franco and Seth Rogen remade.
That's right, that's right.
joe rogan
I mean, how crazy bad does a movie have to be where people make a movie about your movie about how bad it was?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But that can happen.
Those are great too.
I love me a bad movie.
I really do.
Some of them are just so enjoyable.
bert kreischer
Oh, fuck yeah.
What was the movie I used to love growing up that I was like, oh, like Clueless.
joe rogan
How about Roadhouse?
bert kreischer
Oh, dude.
joe rogan
Roadhouse is one of the best bad movies of all time.
bert kreischer
He grips his throat out of his neck by the river.
It's the fucking...
joe rogan
It's so goofy.
bert kreischer
Blade, right boot.
joe rogan
Everything is awesome about it.
Everything.
Pain don't hurt.
Everything is awesome about it.
bert kreischer
He walks around with his own record transcripts of his injuries.
Wow, you've been cut up.
joe rogan
It's because he's had so many fucking injuries.
He brings a folder with him.
bert kreischer
He brings a folder with him?
She's fucking hot.
joe rogan
She's hot as fuck.
The doctor falls in love with the sexy bouncer.
unidentified
It's a fucking amazingly stupid movie.
joe rogan
Patrick Swayze, he's so beautiful!
He's so beautiful!
bert kreischer
Wait, they're remaking it with Conor McGregor, you know that?
joe rogan
Yes, yes.
And Jake Gyllenhaal.
unidentified
Look at this fucking stupid movie!
joe rogan
Chicken dick!
bert kreischer
Look at his hands.
unidentified
What do you want to kiss and make up?
*laughs* Jesus Christ!
bert kreischer
*laughs* Every group had one fat guy that was like their tough guy.
joe rogan
Yeah.
I mean, they're all stabbing each other and shit.
bert kreischer
Oh, it cuts him.
unidentified
Oh my god, this is so stupid.
Everything looked kind of corny and fake.
joe rogan
Compare that to an action scene in a really good movie.
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Especially now.
I think people don't tolerate this kind of, like, obviously choreographed fake violence anymore.
It just looks a little too corny.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But back then, it didn't seem corny.
bert kreischer
It was amazing what didn't seem corny.
joe rogan
It was good back then.
There's so many movies that when we were kids, we were like, this is a great movie.
unidentified
And you watch it now, you're like, Jesus Christ.
joe rogan
This movie sucks!
Because you think they're so good!
Because the culture has evolved.
It's moved into a new direction.
bert kreischer
Oh, it's done that with comedy too, like the comedies that we like.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
You watch them now, and they're like, horrifically racist.
joe rogan
So many of them are trans...
Look, fucking, we were talking about Ace Ventura.
He's crazy transphobic.
bert kreischer
Dan Marino throws up because he made out with a dude.
unidentified
The whole fucking thing is like, it's so crazy.
bert kreischer
And there is a complete, this is where trans people should spend their time getting rid of that fucking movie because they see the dick in the back of the pants and they all throw up!
joe rogan
And it's Shawn Young, who's gorgeous.
bert kreischer
Beautiful.
unidentified
Don't look!
Thank you.
Boy, that's really on there.
joe rogan
This scene is so crazy.
bert kreischer
Yeah, this is great.
joe rogan
This scene is like he just rips her shirt apart.
Imagine that scene today.
unidentified
To get rid of big old Mr. Knish!
bert kreischer
She's in her bra and panties.
joe rogan
In her bra and panties.
He's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
In a comedy.
And she's just standing there for some strange reason?
bert kreischer
Look at Dan Marino!
Look at Dan Marino!
unidentified
Excuse me for just one second.
jamie vernon
She's dazed like a cartoon character.
unidentified
Like frozen in a video game, right?
joe rogan
Yeah.
jamie vernon
She's seeing birds and stuff.
unidentified
My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention.
Now...
History has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time.
But if I am mistaken, if the lieutenant is indeed a woman as she claims to be, then my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!
That's why Roger Decker is dead!
joe rogan
The Tuck.
bert kreischer
Mr. Winkies!
joe rogan
They're all throwing up!
bert kreischer
They're all throwing up!
joe rogan
Everyone's throwing up!
bert kreischer
Everyone's throwing up!
joe rogan
He's cleaning his tongue!
The dolphin's freaking out!
This is a crazy scene.
That's how much culture's changed.
Yes, that's in our lifetimes.
This is 94. Yeah, 94, man.
bert kreischer
94. I mean, we were watching, with the girls one time, 16 Candles.
Do you remember that movie?
Molly Ringwald?
joe rogan
Yes.
bert kreischer
In it, they have the donger.
Long duck dong.
Remember the Asian guy?
joe rogan
Yes.
bert kreischer
And all, all sexy girlfriend!
I mean, he got in trouble.
I think woke culture actually came after him for doing, I think, what they call yellowface, of acting up the Asian guy.
joe rogan
Oh, wow.
bert kreischer
Yeah, and then they go to the party.
Jake's girlfriend...
My girls are watching this.
Jake's girlfriend passes out.
She's too drunk.
And he gives her to the nerds.
You guys take her for the night.
Have fun with her.
Here's my dad's car.
Anthony McCall fucks her.
He fucks her that night.
She's drunk.
She doesn't remember it.
They don't remember it.
They fuck that night.
That's one of the plot lines.
The section is...
Jake's a senior in high school.
She's 16...
Like, it's so problematic that my daughters couldn't enjoy it, and I go, just fucking let go of it.
Like, just watch the fucking thing.
And they're like, Dad, the girl's drunk.
Someone should help her.
They got her hair.
And you're like, oh yeah, that doesn't look cool.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's weird what people used to think was acceptable before it was depicted in the media.
bert kreischer
Revenge of the Nerds.
The dude rapes her.
He puts on her boyfriend's clothing and rapes her.
Rapes her.
joe rogan
I don't remember that.
jamie vernon
At the end, she's like in a bounce house with the lights off, right?
bert kreischer
She's in a bounce house.
They're at the town fair.
He grabs the mask, her boyfriend's mask, the girl he's attracted to, puts it on, and he pretends to be Darth Vader.
He pretends to be her.
He follows her into the crazy with all the mirrors.
They land on the bounce house.
She's like, take the mask off.
And he's like, no, I'm going to leave it on.
And then he fucks her.
She doesn't know it's him.
He fucks her.
And then they get done, and he takes the mask off.
She goes, that was you?
And he's like, yeah.
She's like, it was so good.
If we're going to play by the rules, let's play by the rules, okay?
That groomed every child to see that, that if you can sneaky fuck a chick, but you did it good.
If you can rape her, but you did it good, then look.
You don't remember this?
unidentified
No, no, no.
no leave it leave it on wow that's What year was that?
bert kreischer
It's gotta be 84. Sounds right.
jamie vernon
I don't see a year right here.
unidentified
I don't know.
bert kreischer
That was like...
I mean, don't even start with Porky's.
jamie vernon
Yeah, it's like the same time period.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
And that was greenlit by executives?
That's a good scene.
jamie vernon
84 is correct.
bert kreischer
Good fucking scene.
joe rogan
1984. That's how much the world's changed.
That's crazy.
bert kreischer
Insane.
And you're just talking about fight scenes.
But we're talking social commentary that's out there.
joe rogan
Yeah.
We're just talking about the way things are depicted in life.
You could never do that in a comedy now.
Imagine if someone tried to recreate that.
bert kreischer
We...
At one point, in making the movie, I said to the—I'll say I said it to no one so no one ever gets in trouble, because I know that what I do is not what the studio's like, right?
When I talk.
I just talk to her honestly.
Because I don't know the fucking thing you're supposed to say.
I said, we fucked up to someone.
I said, we fucked up.
We should have nudity in this movie.
Like, we definitely should have had nudity.
Like, that was a fucking...
Because all the great old-school comedies had one gratuitous nude scene.
unidentified
Right.
bert kreischer
You know, back to school, Rodney Dangersfield opens the fucking curtain, and the girl with the most beautiful body showers, and he goes, hey, excuse me!
And then closed them, and he goes, ah!
And opens it again.
It's a great fucking scene in the movie, right?
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
I go, we missed, we fucked up.
And they're like...
I go, can we ask some of these chicks to, like, get naked?
And they're like, that's definitely not.
And I was like, well, how did it work when you made movies back in the day?
And they're like, well, back then, it's different.
We're not going to just walk around and go, hey, does anyone want to take their top off for this scene?
And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess you can't.
Like, you just...
And it's a weird thing.
It's like...
joe rogan
It's just weird how much culture has shifted so quickly.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like relatively quickly because I don't think that before mass media, social media, it was mass media first and then social media.
Till people, the more and more communication about the way people act and behave.
You used to just have films that depicted all sorts of shit like that and people just accepted it.
So was that a part of normal society back then?
We've got to think about how few generations removed we are from barbarians.
Like really.
Like really horrific people.
3,000 years?
4,000 years?
How far back do you have to go to where life is?
Just hell.
It's not that many thousands of years, right?
bert kreischer
I've got to be honest with you.
I think 1700s.
Yeah.
I mean, if we're talking about loss of freedom and free will, look at World War I. World War I was a barbaric fucking trench war.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Was that the trench war?
Yeah, it was trench warfare.
And that was like kids...
And then World War II was a generation of kids that felt like they didn't go to war, so they got bummed out.
They're like, I wanted to go to war like my dad, not knowing what war was.
And now we're at a place where you're like, okay, only the savages go.
Like, us soft boys...
I'm not a Jocko.
I'm not a Green-Bray.
joe rogan
I don't know if I agree with that.
bert kreischer
What do you mean?
About World War II. World War II? No, no.
It's 100% accurate.
The German generation feels like that was what brought about World War II was a whole generation of kids feeling like, we need a war.
We didn't get a war.
joe rogan
What?
bert kreischer
Really?
jamie vernon
Yeah.
If you watch the beginning of All Quiet and the Western Front, I don't know if you saw that new movie.
bert kreischer
I did.
jamie vernon
Watch it not with the subtitles.
That's the beginning.
I mean, that's still World War I, but...
All those kids are just mad that they're not going to maybe go.
The war's ending, and they're like, fuck, we're not going to get to fight.
We're not going to get to fight.
It's kind of like what Jarhead is like, even in the Marines.
He's so mad he doesn't get to shoot his gun.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
God, how crazy are people?
Imagine getting upset that you don't get a chance to go to war.
bert kreischer
Yeah, but no, we can say that.
joe rogan
I know.
bert kreischer
And that's ingrained in our head.
How crazy is that?
My grandfather was the exact opposite.
Can you imagine if we'd stayed here?
Can you imagine if we didn't go?
And that was my grandfather.
That's just right there.
And then came back the worst shell shock you could ever fucking imagine.
Stormed the beaches of Normandy.
The question is, and I never found this out, what day?
Because I think the real bad one was that first day when they go, and then I think they made some advancements.
I don't know much about history.
I listen to history podcasts, but I don't really pay attention.
But it just put me to sleep.
joe rogan
Well, that's a good one to think about, because Jesus fucking Christ, is that a crazy story in human history?
The idea of people just running at people with guns.
People with guns running at people with guns, like...
It's so insane.
bert kreischer
It's just loss of free will that someone would go, go, and you couldn't be like, no, my name's Bert, and I haven't fallen in love yet, and I want to live my life.
I'm going to stay here.
I don't want to go in there because people are dying, and I see people dying.
joe rogan
And why are we here?
I don't know why I'm here.
If I'm 18 years old, do you think I truly grasp why I'm here?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Do you think I truly understand what manipulation has been put into place that allowed giant groups of men with guns to run at other giant groups of men with guns?
Like, what is the real problem?
bert kreischer
They talked about, so in World War II, there was one Christmas where the German soldiers started singing American Christmas carols on Christmas.
And Silent Night, I think.
And then the Americans started singing with them, and then they had this in...
Obviously remember I'm Burt, I'm not a fucking historian, so don't light me up on this, but like this is how I heard it.
And in that moment they had a ceasefire.
The soldiers had a ceasefire and it sent the fucking colonels through the roof because they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're losing fucking control.
And they said any person...
Seen not fighting or seen extending, like they had to get letters from one side to another side from the fucking people that were kept in camps, right?
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
I talk out of my ass.
I don't know what I'm saying, but it is true.
The truce of 1914. It was World War I. And then they said, alright, here's the deal.
Anyone seen trying to fucking have a truce?
You get killed.
We kill you.
Because we need you to kill them.
joe rogan
What a crazy thing to do and then go back to killing each other.
Didn't they have truces too to play soccer games?
Didn't they do that as well?
bert kreischer
I think that was a Sylvester Stallone movie.
joe rogan
No, I think that really happened.
I think there was like, there was...
See what the fuck that is.
jamie vernon
Well, it's showing up as the same when I type it in.
I typed in World War I soccer truce and it shows up as the Christmas truce.
Maybe they had...
joe rogan
Oh, so maybe during that...
Okay, that's what...
jamie vernon
Yeah, they did a soccer game during that...
joe rogan
Okay, that makes sense.
Imagine you just go right back to killing each other.
bert kreischer
Those wars befuddle me.
Like, the idea that America would...
And I understand, but America would just get involved.
You know, like...
joe rogan
Well, it's all weird, man, because you don't know the full story unless you've got to delve into it, read all accounts by all parties, pro and con.
You've got to really sort through it.
To figure out what's propaganda and what's real.
bert kreischer
I got really into World War II for a period of time.
Both the Pacific and the European, I guess because they're called theaters or whatever.
I'm obsessed with Winston Churchill.
He's just a...
joe rogan
Fascinating man.
bert kreischer
Fucking fascinating man.
joe rogan
I gotta pee so bad.
bert kreischer
Go pee.
joe rogan
Let's pause this for a brief moment.
bert kreischer
Yeah, of course.
joe rogan
Yes, sir.
bert kreischer
Alright, that was World War II. You know what my favorite ceasefire is?
joe rogan
During World War I, they had a ceasefire with...
Was it the Russians?
Who was it?
I think it was the Russians and the Germans.
They had a ceasefire, and it was because of wolves.
So many people were being killed by wolves.
bert kreischer
Oh, I've heard you talk about this.
joe rogan
What were the two groups?
I always fuck this up.
I know one group was the Russians.
Russians and Germans, right.
So they had a ceasefire because so many of their soldiers were getting killed by wolves.
bert kreischer
That's so funny.
I tried to joke last night about what's wrong with Germans is they don't have any predators.
joe rogan
They did back then.
They did at least when they tried going into Russia.
But could you imagine you have an enemy that's invading you and you agree, we need to bond together and kill this other enemy that is not human.
bert kreischer
I think that's a plot.
joe rogan
And then we go back to killing each other.
bert kreischer
That's a plot of Predator.
joe rogan
It is.
I mean, this is such a crazy story.
Parties of Russians and German scouts met recently and were hotly engaged in a skirmish when a large pack of wolves dashed on the scene and attacked the wounded.
bert kreischer
Have you ever seen the video of the cop going to give a parking ticket and the fucking 50 wolves run down the street?
joe rogan
I don't think that's real.
bert kreischer
Oh, for real?
joe rogan
Yeah, I don't think that's real.
bert kreischer
Do you know what I'm talking about, Jamie?
Russian cop is going to give a parking ticket and then he gets in their car and the wolves run by them?
joe rogan
Jamie will find out if it's real.
I think someone told me that was CGI. Aww.
jamie vernon
Speaking of CGI, I don't want to change all of our stuff.
joe rogan
I don't know if it is CGI, though.
I really want to find out.
jamie vernon
The Roswell UFO thing from last week, did you see that?
joe rogan
Oh, the Jeremy Corbell thing?
jamie vernon
I didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it, but I saw a post of five videos showing this fucking object in the sky.
joe rogan
Yeah, this is over a military base?
Yeah.
Yeah, apparently 50 people filmed this thing.
So this is the Russian one, so watch.
bert kreischer
Oh, that bums me out.
joe rogan
The cops is over here, he's talking, and these wolves are running by.
I don't know if that's real, man.
bert kreischer
Looks pretty real.
joe rogan
It looks very real.
jamie vernon
The only way...
joe rogan
There's all the shadows.
Shadows are perfect.
jamie vernon
But they maybe...
Yeah, wow.
bert kreischer
If they do a time-lapse of...
jamie vernon
Yeah, there's just two videos they put over each other.
Like, those wolves did run down that street.
unidentified
Oh.
jamie vernon
Oh, wait, wait.
bert kreischer
I see what you're saying.
So, wait, go back to him getting in the car.
Are there...
No, the wolves are there.
jamie vernon
Oh, he's reacting to them.
unidentified
Yeah.
jamie vernon
But that could be an actor.
joe rogan
I don't know.
jamie vernon
They're not reacting to the cars, is what I'm saying.
joe rogan
Right, but the wolves are just running, right?
If they're not used to being around cars, but the cars are reacting to them, that car pulls over to the left to avoid the wolves.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I think that's real, man.
joe rogan
Watch how the car reacts.
jamie vernon
Here's the other thing I'm looking at, that'll be hard to fake, is the headlights from this car should be giving an extra shadow on these wolves coming this way, and it looks like it's only from the streetlight.
joe rogan
Interesting.
jamie vernon
See, there's no shadow coming this way.
joe rogan
Interesting.
jamie vernon
Which means that those cars weren't there when the wolves were there.
joe rogan
Maybe, sorta.
Depending upon where the beams hit.
bert kreischer
It would be an interesting person that spent their time doing that.
joe rogan
Yes, a forensic person analyzing.
bert kreischer
I went to Reddit and did a Reddit AMA. I've never been on Reddit.
Reddit's like a fucking rattlesnake to me.
I don't hate it, but I don't get near it.
I respect it.
I just don't want to fucking get bit.
Because I hear, like, Mark Norman lives on Reddit.
Like, he'll tell you stuff going on with you that you didn't know.
He did it last night.
He was like, hey, did you hear the thing?
And I'm like, hey, man, you can't talk to me about that stuff.
I don't watch that stuff.
But I went into Reddit, and I thought it was going to be all, like, QAnon people.
It's regular human beings.
Just regular human beings.
Beautiful women.
unidentified
Hey!
joe rogan
It's a trap, Bert.
bert kreischer
It's a trap.
joe rogan
They're gonna suck you in.
They're gonna suck you in.
You're gonna be there every day, and then they're gonna go after you.
bert kreischer
How are those things?
joe rogan
You want one of these?
bert kreischer
I'll be addicted immediately.
joe rogan
Oh, okay.
bert kreischer
I'll be addicted immediately.
I like these.
Unless it'll help me quit drinking, and then I'll fucking do it in a heartbeat.
joe rogan
There's a lot of evidence that nicotine is actually good for you.
bert kreischer
That's what Andrew Huberman said, smoking is the best thing you can do for your life.
Andrew Huberman said, here, isolate this.
No, I'm kidding.
joe rogan
No, no, no, no.
bert kreischer
Dude, have you ever been in a fucking blimp?
jamie vernon
That looks like the thing I saw in the video.
bert kreischer
So just so we're clear.
joe rogan
Oh, you're talking about the thing that was in the plane video, Jamie?
jamie vernon
No.
joe rogan
Which video?
jamie vernon
This is one of them, I think.
joe rogan
Well, let me tell you something.
jamie vernon
It's that thing.
joe rogan
Oh, that thing.
jamie vernon
Yeah, this was in like a post I saw today.
It showed this in five different videos.
They said it was last week in Roswell.
It's just sitting there.
It doesn't move.
joe rogan
Yeah, that totally could be a balloon.
But do they just keep going higher and higher?
Don't they just keep going higher and higher?
jamie vernon
Why would it be hovering?
joe rogan
Or maybe they don't have enough helium to reach a certain threshold?
bert kreischer
Like a mylar one?
You're at the end of a mylar balloon that just hangs out like it's a person in your room.
jamie vernon
This video that Mick posted said this is supposed to be to monitor pollution.
joe rogan
Why would you make a giant silver thing that looks like a UFO to monitor pollution?
How about make it look like a pollution monitoring device?
bert kreischer
Have you ever seen, I'm sure you have, but have you ever seen Elon's rockets re-enter the atmosphere?
joe rogan
Yes, I have.
bert kreischer
So, I had never, this is a while ago, this is back like, it was when we were in our old house, and I remember I was talking to Tom on the phone.
And Isla's outside, and she's like, Dad, Dad, Dad!
And I go out, and it is so different than anything you've ever seen, that I go, Tommy, Tommy, look at the fucking sky.
Look at the fucking sky.
He's like, what?
I go, go outside.
He goes outside, and he's like, what the fuck is going on?
I mean, we thought we were getting invaded by aliens.
For a second, two grown men thought we were getting invaded by aliens.
It looks so fucking bizarre.
Like, it does, like, a mushroom cloud, and then a streak.
Have you ever seen it?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
Oh!
Type in Elon's rockets re-entering the atmosphere.
joe rogan
Well, I've seen it on video, but I haven't seen it in real life.
bert kreischer
You saw it in real life.
I saw it in real life.
It was in the sky over LA. Like, it must be coming to Long Beach or something.
And it looked so...
This is what it looks like.
It's this crazy fucking atmospheric change, and it looks like you're getting invaded by aliens.
joe rogan
I did see one time in LA. I was driving.
bert kreischer
Look at that, Joe.
That's what we saw.
I go, Tommy, go outside.
He goes outside.
He's like, what the fuck is going on?
And I'm like, I was like, are we getting invaded by aliens?
It looks fucking crazy.
joe rogan
What year was this?
jamie vernon
It was like 2017 or 2018. It happened two or three times.
joe rogan
Yeah, it happened one time I feel like I saw, but it was before that.
I was in Hollywood and I saw this thing streaking across the sky.
I was like, what the fuck is that?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
But this was like, I think it was pre-social media days.
bert kreischer
Oh no, this was Instagram days, Instagram stories, because as I was talking to Tommy, I put on Instagram stories and I recorded it.
It didn't record our audio, which I thought would be a viral fucking clip, because both Tom and I thought we were getting invaded by aliens.
And I'm watching it, but it is, Joe, it is like...
joe rogan
It's pretty freaky to see something like that.
bert kreischer
It's freaky as shit.
joe rogan
Can you imagine if you did see something like that and it was aliens?
Do you know how wild that day would be?
Do you know the wild the day of like three football field sized ships just penetrating to the Los Angeles atmosphere and start hovering over the city?
Just alerting us to their presence and just saying, enough is enough.
unidentified
Let's fucking shut this out.
bert kreischer
What's the first thing?
joe rogan
Fuckheads.
bert kreischer
What's the first thing that is going on in our cultural, like...
joe rogan
Money, politics.
Take money out of politics.
Take it all out.
bert kreischer
Nobody can donate.
joe rogan
Nobody can donate.
You can't profit.
bert kreischer
You just need leaders.
You need leaders now.
joe rogan
You need leaders.
bert kreischer
How do things shake down?
You need leaders.
What else goes away?
Bars stay open.
joe rogan
Bars stay open.
You've got to give people freedom because if you keep taking away freedom, eventually it's going to come for the things that you hold dear.
That's just a thing that happens and everybody wants less.
You've got to control people more and do this.
It's not good.
We're always going to have problems.
There's never going to be a perfect state where hundreds of millions of human beings get along and completely harmonious.
Unless we all do mushrooms.
bert kreischer
I'm just saying, your new hour is selling mushrooms pretty fucking good.
Could you come out with your own mushroom?
joe rogan
I don't think that's legal.
bert kreischer
It is.
joe rogan
And I don't know what you're talking about.
No, it definitely is.
I take the lion's mane, Bert Kreischer.
bert kreischer
Is lion's mane good?
joe rogan
Oh yeah, lion's mane is good.
bert kreischer
I'm taking lion's mane, but that's like a regular...
joe rogan
Listen, there's a lot of benefit to mushrooms.
Cordyceps mushrooms are fantastic.
Those are really good.
That's a big part of that shroom tech supplement that Onnit makes.
Lion's mane is great for you.
There's a bunch of really neuroprotective aspects of certain mushrooms and nutrients.
There's a lot of good stuff you can take, and mushrooms are in that group, including psilocybin.
bert kreischer
Mushrooms are legal in Colorado.
joe rogan
I think everything is legal in Portland or in Oregon.
Oregon is the first state that decriminalized everything.
They decriminalize, literally, cocaine, heroin, everything.
And I think they did it in Vancouver, too.
But listen to this.
This one dude opened up a store.
bert kreischer
Oh, you can sell coke in Vancouver!
joe rogan
Well, this guy, he opened up a store called the Drugs Store.
And it just tells you when it was tested.
Like, this is tested, like, April 23rd.
And you just buy cocaine.
bert kreischer
You can buy cocaine.
Someone just told me about that.
joe rogan
Like, what the fuck?
This mobile Vancouver store.
Mobile.
Good move, bro.
Just started illegally selling cocaine, heroin, and meth.
Meth!
Bro, imagine selling meth.
I mean, that's like...
unidentified
Like, you know that's bad for you, right?
joe rogan
Like, who the fuck wants people to be doing meth?
If you're selling meth...
You're profiting off of terrible decision-making, right?
Agreed?
bert kreischer
I've heard a couple of people have some good math stories.
unidentified
Really?
I have.
bert kreischer
One of our friends.
joe rogan
They get good stories when the night is over.
bert kreischer
We have a friend.
I won't say his name here, and I'll never say it.
joe rogan
Okay.
bert kreischer
And we were all about to hang out.
joe rogan
Can I guess?
Can I guess who it is?
Okay.
bert kreischer
Okay, yeah.
And if you guess it right, I'll tell you.
unidentified
Okay.
bert kreischer
We were all hanging out.
We were all about to go hang out again.
And he was telling me and Joey...
Okay, it's not Joey Diaz.
He was telling me and Joey Diaz a story about this chick.
And he was like, I can't even say...
joe rogan
Okay, let's not.
You're going to get somebody in trouble, aren't you?
bert kreischer
But this was a long time ago.
This was like fucking 12 years ago.
joe rogan
I understand.
bert kreischer
And he was like, I did meth last night.
Joey's like, what the fuck?
He goes, I know!
I was trying to fuck this chick!
joe rogan
And she pulled out meth?
bert kreischer
And he was like, ah, you know.
Wow.
joe rogan
That's right.
I remember that story.
bert kreischer
You know who it is?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
bert kreischer
I remember that story.
joe rogan
Oh my god, I forgot about that.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's a wild decision to make.
If you're alone with a person you just met who wants to do meth with you, how all in on this life experience are you?
bert kreischer
Joey goes, did you fuck her?
And he goes, we did meth, Joey.
We definitely fucked her.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
But don't they say that Adderall is like very similar chemically?
It's very similar.
It's a type of amphetamine, right?
So if you went bonkers with Adderall, if you had some dude who could just give you all the Adderall you need, like some homie that works at the Adderall factory, and he sells you a barrel of these fucking things, if you just chewed him all day long, you would just be like a person doing meth.
Right?
bert kreischer
Well, if I'm not mistaken, and I apologize if this comes out weird, but I think that's what Mulaney said in his special, was that Adderall was one of his problems, too.
joe rogan
Yeah, I think that happens.
bert kreischer
Yeah, Adderall is, and I've done both.
I've done Adderall, I've done Ritalin, and I've done Coke.
Coke is way more fun than the other two, but the other two I actually enjoy more.
Like, if you take an Adderall, your diet, you don't want to eat, you feel fucked, you have the focus to skin a grape.
I mean, you could fucking focus.
joe rogan
Damn.
bert kreischer
Dude.
joe rogan
Making it sound exciting.
bert kreischer
Adderall's the shit.
I remember taking an Adderall and just sitting down and writing a script and just being like, boom.
joe rogan
Back in the day, all the top pool players would take amphetamines.
bert kreischer
Darts, same, same, bro.
joe rogan
Darts, same thing.
bert kreischer
Darts is like a big fucking speed place.
joe rogan
I shouldn't say all the top pool players, but...
In all honesty, a lot of them.
bert kreischer
And I shouldn't say darts because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
joe rogan
This was a long-ass time ago, like in the 70s and shit.
There's some great books that were written about those days.
But these guys would play for 24 hours, 48 hours.
They'd stay up for days just taking pills and gambling until one guy goes broke or one guy quits.
They didn't want people quitting on anybody, so the thing is, if you're up ahead, so if you and I were gambling, and you're ahead of me, and you have all of my money, and I want to keep gambling until I'm completely broke, you're obliged to drain the person.
You're obliged to carry it out to the bitter end, because maybe that guy might claw his way back.
And then...
18 hours later, now you're breaking even.
Like, oh my god.
But he wants to keep playing.
So you gotta go in the bathroom and take pills.
And you come out, you're fuckin' jacked up with huge pupils.
And you're just gambling for days like that.
That was a lot of those guys.
Wild fellas.
Wild human beings, man.
bert kreischer
They deliver, man.
Those pills and coke, they deliver.
joe rogan
I bet they do.
bert kreischer
They give you what...
You know what Coke's like?
Coke's like the first time you had unprotected sex, and you were like, whoa!
Fuck!
Coke's like that.
Coke's like that.
joe rogan
I believe you.
No one's disputing it either.
unidentified
No one.
bert kreischer
No one.
joe rogan
Just keep the fuck away from it.
bert kreischer
Some people will tell you, yeah, I don't like drinking.
It makes me tired.
Like Dyson's like, ah, what are you having?
I said, Buffalo Trace.
He goes, man, I have one of those.
I'm asleep.
No one's ever liked that on Coke.
joe rogan
That's what I hear.
bert kreischer
Same with the fucking Zins.
If I had money, I'd invest in that fucking company.
joe rogan
According to Huberman, it's a good way to get nicotine.
And nicotine does have neuroprotective benefits.
There's a bunch of cool shit about nicotine.
The problem is cigarettes.
The problem is tobacco when you smoke it and it gets into your lungs.
bert kreischer
Dip is the best.
I miss dip.
joe rogan
You like dip?
bert kreischer
I loved dip.
joe rogan
I like a good cigar.
I really do enjoy a good cigar.
bert kreischer
Oh, I love cigars.
joe rogan
Do you want one right now?
bert kreischer
I want one right fucking now.
Let's have one right fucking now.
joe rogan
now.
Hold please.
unidentified
Look at that humidor.
bert kreischer
Oh, fuck yeah.
joe rogan
Ladies and gentlemen, we're taking a very brief cigar break.
bert kreischer
Joe Rogan, this is a good fucking cigar.
Who is this, the same guys that we're doing?
joe rogan
Foundation, yeah, Foundation Cigars.
They're the shit.
unidentified
Mm. Mm. Mm.
joe rogan
Yeah, this is a special one that he made just for us.
It's really good.
And Bobby Kelly liked it, which is like, hey, that guy likes it.
Bobby actually knows cigars.
He's one of those guys that, like, he could tell you, like, I can't tell you shit about cigars.
bert kreischer
It's pretty simple.
There's only, like, a couple wraps.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
And the sizes are what make it a tad bit complicated.
I'm a big ring gauge fan.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
I grew up in Florida, so...
joe rogan
Like a fat boy?
bert kreischer
Oh, yeah?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, those are nice.
bert kreischer
I like a big ring gauge.
joe rogan
Kind of smoother, right?
bert kreischer
The draw.
I think the draw is a little easier.
But these are beautiful fucking cigars.
This is a Maduro wrapper, I think, if I'm not mistaken.
And I like a nice, heavy cigar.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's perfect for me.
I love it.
It's really good.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's just cool.
It's cool.
bert kreischer
Yeah, man.
joe rogan
I like it.
bert kreischer
I can't believe you're my fucking friend.
joe rogan
I can't believe you're my friend.
bert kreischer
No, but I'm way luckier.
joe rogan
Dude, you keep saying that.
We're all fucking lucky, man.
We're all lucky, 100%.
It's all symbiotic.
Yeah.
You enjoy all of it more when you have friends that are also doing it.
That's a big part of what's going on.
bert kreischer
I called Joey Diaz the other day.
I hadn't talked to him in a while.
joe rogan
Joey Diaz lit the place on fire when he was in town.
bert kreischer
I bet.
joe rogan
It was so fun to watch.
It was really exciting just to have him around again.
And you should see him light up when he saw the sign.
In the green room that says, get it together, bitch.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I go, that's your quote, Joey.
He always used to say that to us.
bert kreischer
My daughters are working on Fully Loaded again this year.
And they go, his Uncle Joey coming?
Because they only really know him as an uncle, for real.
joe rogan
Right, right.
bert kreischer
And I go, no, I don't think so.
And Georgia goes, hold on.
We gotta see him one more time, Ted.
Isla needs to see him live.
Isla needs to see him live.
Because Georgia toured with him.
Georgia knows him as his uncle.
And, you know, Joey, he would say the wildest fucking shit.
Fuck cancel culture.
You can't trust a dot dot dot with a whistle.
And George is blown away.
And George is super woke, right?
And she goes, can you get him to come to Forest Hills?
We're open and fully loaded in New York at Forest Hills at the tennis arena.
And it's a fucking thick list.
She goes, can you get Uncle Joey to go?
Dad, Dad, please.
Isla's got to watch Uncle Joey.
So I called him the other night to talk about it, and then we ended up changing.
You know, Joey's quick.
What's up, Tarzan?
Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
All right, yeah, hey, keep killing it.
I'm proud of you, cocksucker.
And then he hangs up, and he's like, fuck, I forgot to ask him what I was going to ask him.
But yeah, we're going to try to get Joey to come out to that.
Gillis is on it.
joe rogan
It's just always great to get Joey around people who love him, too.
You know, I mean, it's just, he needs that comic energy.
bert kreischer
Yeah, he does.
joe rogan
He does.
He needs that comic energy.
I mean, everybody loves him everywhere, though.
That's the thing about where he's set up.
When we saw him in New Jersey, we're like, God, he's never moving out of here.
He's the king of New Jersey.
bert kreischer
He loves it, man.
He fucking loves it.
Towns are built for certain people, or certain people are built for towns.
joe rogan
Well, he's got a great place.
bert kreischer
And Joey was never built for L.A.? No.
joe rogan
No, no.
bert kreischer
He was built for Jersey.
He knows the guy that makes sandwiches down the street.
He goes in, you know, Joey, it's interesting.
A little high, because Joey's weed's pretty fucking aggressive.
joe rogan
It's aggressive, right?
bert kreischer
It is fucking, you know what's the most sought-after weed in all of L.A.? It'll convince you that something's happening to your body.
Don't do that, dude.
Don't tell me your thoughts.
joe rogan
That's the kind of weed.
No, I'm not saying my thoughts.
bert kreischer
No, but now I go, what's going on in my body?
joe rogan
But it's one of those, like, what's going on in my foot?
unidentified
Like, You know?
bert kreischer
It's weird.
Is my toe numb?
joe rogan
Why does my toe hurt like that?
bert kreischer
That feels weird.
I smoked some of Joey's weed.
I'm gonna come home, and I'm like...
It'll make you uncomfortable.
I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting in my man cave, or my gym, is my man cave now, my gym, and I'm on the computer, and I just feel a little, like, saliva in my cheek right here, like, right there.
And I go, oh, that's crazy.
I just notice it.
I go, that's crazy.
And then it shows back up.
I go, am I having a stroke?
And I go, oh my god, is this side of my face?
And now I'm sitting high as fuck in a mirror, smiling to myself to make sure I'm not having a stroke.
Joey's weed will fucking throw you sideways.
Here's the thing I was gonna say.
Before comedy was around, guys like Joey Diaz, Joey could walk away from comedy and find what he does on stage in society.
You know, that's the way Joey operates.
And I think that's why he loves Jersey.
He goes in, sees this deli guy, and they chop it up for like 20 minutes.
And then Joey did like a type five, right?
That personality is authentically a New York Jersey personality.
joe rogan
Right, but what Joey can do on stage is so unique.
bert kreischer
Oh, damn it.
joe rogan
And when he gets rolling, it's so unique that I feel like no matter what else he does...
At this stage of his life, it's so hard to get to be that funny.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Why would you stop doing that?
bert kreischer
His new book, Tremendous, is out on Amazon.
joe rogan
You can't stop doing that.
He's too good.
He's too good.
He's too fun.
He's too fun to be around.
bert kreischer
Dude, he would be...
joe rogan
He was so fun when he was in town, just hanging out in the green room.
He's so fun.
bert kreischer
The part I miss about Joey the most is when just hanging with him.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And when he wasn't trying to be funny, and he was fucking hilarious.
Yeah.
One of the hardest he's ever made me laugh is we're sitting there.
I made him say it again on a podcast that made me laugh so hard.
We're sitting at Marie AC. We're having...
I was doing a cleanser.
I was having green tea, and he was having coffee, and he was smoking cigarettes back then.
He was smoking them on the DL. No one knew.
Don't tell nobody.
And I go, Joey, what was prison like?
And he was very casually.
He goes, dog, if you think black guys are allowed in a movie theater.
unidentified
That's such a Joey Diaz line.
bert kreischer
But he wasn't trying to be funny.
I know, but that's him.
And I was.
I go, Joey, is that a bit?
And he's like, no, I'm telling you, dog.
Up all night.
Ray, Ray!
Ray, Ray!
Joey's just the fucking purist.
Sometimes I repeat stories.
Have you ever heard a story about our Polar Plunge Christmas Eve with his daughter, Mercy?
joe rogan
I believe so.
bert kreischer
It's the best.
That's that bloodline.
joe rogan
He's a beautiful person.
I love him to death.
He's one of the best guys ever.
And, you know, if I could just get him to come around every now and again, I'm good.
So that's what we're going to try to do.
I just told him any time, just you tell me, I'll take care of everything.
I'll have someone to pick you up.
I'll have someone to drop you off.
I'll have someone to drive you around.
I'll fly you out.
I'll take care of you.
Come on out.
Anytime you want.
Just you tell me.
And then we'll put the machine in motion.
Not the machine, but a machine in motion.
bert kreischer
Put the machine in motion.
I'll come down too.
joe rogan
We'll send the actual machine to escort you to the mothership.
bert kreischer
I said that to him when we did full alert.
I said, whatever you need, I got you.
joe rogan
He's the best.
bert kreischer
You do that sometimes.
That's the problem with these businesses and managers and agents.
It's like, you know...
You go, they misspeak for you.
And you're like, even like back in the day, trying to get Joey on, fully loaded, and it just was not happening.
I go, hold on.
I call Joey.
I go, hey man, whatever you want.
Whatever the fuck you want.
You know I love you.
Whatever you want.
And he's like, oh, for real?
And I'm like, yeah, don't listen to anyone talking about my team.
Just trust me, I got you.
I know I get like that.
Certain things will spook me.
And I go, yeah, I don't want to fucking do that.
And then managers and angels love having a little fulcrum to leverage you against something else.
We were talking about that last night.
Just little fulcrums to like, can I get this guy in there too?
Okay, then you can also have this guy.
And you're like, what the fuck?
How did that happen?
I told two people to their face.
I told Chappelle.
I'm bad with secrets, and I just met Dave, so I'm not gonna say any good secrets.
Like, I'm bad with secrets.
I don't even know that I tell people secrets.
joe rogan
Is that a part of drinking?
bert kreischer
No, it's part of me wanting to please you.
joe rogan
Oh, now we're going deep.
bert kreischer
I'm in therapy.
joe rogan
Now we're going deep.
bert kreischer
I have a lot of problems.
And one of those is I want everyone to be happy.
So I overshare.
And I guess it's good.
joe rogan
So it's fun.
bert kreischer
It's fun.
It makes good comedy.
joe rogan
Yes, it does.
bert kreischer
My wife was in the back of Little Boy last night being like, yo, definitely can't talk about Isla like that.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
I was like, for real?
She's like, no.
Tell a story about Isla in...
Never mind.
Yeah, don't do it.
joe rogan
Don't do it.
bert kreischer
And so, like...
But, yeah, I overshare.
But it's like...
I don't know why...
joe rogan
But that's interesting.
It's like...
Do you feel like you have to?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
I feel like I'm not good enough.
joe rogan
Oh, no.
bert kreischer
It's why I love Tommy so much and why I look up to him in so many ways is that Tommy knows he's good enough.
Tommy knows his worth.
joe rogan
What's the difference between you and Tommy?
Why do you think that he knows his worth and you don't seem to know your worth, even though there's so much evidence?
There's so much evidence that you're loved.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
So how would that not be enough?
bert kreischer
I don't think...
joe rogan
Do you think about it that way, or is that not it?
Am I missing it?
bert kreischer
No, I think we had very different dads.
And I think Tom, for whatever reason, and I think we're both really close with our dads.
We're both really, he was really close with his dad.
I think his dad just raised him a different way.
And I think my dad raised me a different way.
And I think whatever my dad did, it left me with a little bit of a hole.
No slight to my dad, but it left me with a little bit of a hole that turned me into a performer.
To make sure my dad would be like, if the Iraq war started and I said, this is fucking stupid.
My dad goes, go to your fucking room.
You're a fucking idiot.
You don't know what you're talking about.
He said, stay up there until you figure out what's wrong with you.
And then I'm sitting up there going, like, I gotta get out of my room.
I'm 16 at the time.
I'm like, I gotta get out of my room.
Why am I a fucking idiot?
Why am I a fucking idiot?
And then I was like, okay.
I was forced to sit with it, and I was like, I don't know anything about why we're going to war with Iraq.
I don't know anything about war.
I've never been to war.
My dad, okay, I'm gonna go down, and I talk to my dad about it.
My dad's like, this is why you're an idiot.
Tell me why you think I don't know anything about this war.
He goes, yeah, Saddam Hussein is gassing his own people because they're a different religion, a different ethnicity.
And he goes, and so we came to protect half of that fucking country.
Here's the other thing that's cool.
This is the first war we're getting to watch start on TV. We're watching a war start like a fucking Super Bowl.
So sit down with me and let's watch the fucking war.
And I was like, wait, we're watching a war?
He was like, yeah, it's on CNN. Watch this.
And you remember the fucking Iraq war?
When we were kids, you were probably like 18. Yeah.
And then they just like, B2B, and you'd watch a fucking Tomahawk missile head in, and you're watching people walk into the fucking Capitol in night vision, and I'm like, oh, this is fucking crazy.
That was my dad.
And I can't speak for Tommy, but I know Tommy was really close with his dad, and I think his dad, for lack of better words, I hope this comes off respectful to my dad, was a little bit more of a man.
No, no, no.
My dad ran track.
My dad's a man, trust me.
My dad's a man.
But Tom's dad fought in Vietnam.
Tom's dad did a fucking couple tours.
Tom's dad was a champion power lifter.
I think we had different dads.
My dad ran track.
He didn't go to the works.
He had allergies.
They wouldn't let him in the Vietnam War.
You wouldn't let him in?
Yeah, he didn't pass the physical.
joe rogan
Wow.
bert kreischer
Yeah, he had allergies.
joe rogan
Jesus.
bert kreischer
And they're like, we can't send you in there, and all of a sudden you shut down because you have hay fever.
joe rogan
Oh, right.
bert kreischer
Then you're just like...
In the middle of a fucking...
joe rogan
Dude, that war is the scariest war to me.
bert kreischer
Vietnam?
joe rogan
Yeah, because it's the most nonsensical.
It was started off of a false flag...
No one felt strongly about going over there to die.
bert kreischer
No.
joe rogan
No one felt strongly about the cause.
It seemed insane to everybody and it went on for years.
I remember when it ended because I was a kid.
unidentified
Do you really?
joe rogan
Yeah, I was living in San Francisco and I remember thinking naively that this is great because now there's never going to be war again.
I really remember that thought.
I guess I was like 10 or something like that, 10 or 11. It was just weird.
It was a weird thing to just imagine That they forced people to go fighting some war that nobody understood.
And that might have been connected to heroin.
Might have been connected to heroin.
bert kreischer
Have you been to Vietnam?
joe rogan
No, I have not.
People love it over there.
Bourdain is like it was his favorite place.
bert kreischer
It'll change your cultural DNA. Like the way you see the world's never the same.
I'd say the same about Japan, though.
Japan's pretty fucking dope.
Pretty dope.
Japan's like...
Japan's like, it shouldn't be legal.
Like, just weird shit, like robot fuck shows, and then all of a sudden, you go to the subway and no one's speaking.
They're all holding hands.
I passed out on a Japanese dude in the subway.
I was drunk.
I passed out on this poor guy, and he didn't do anything.
He just let me sleep on him.
I woke up.
He was just like...
joe rogan
Yeah, they have a very respectful culture in terms of the way people walk down the street.
People give people plenty of space.
They seem to navigate it much more easily.
But then, like you see in some cultures, there's so many people that just kind of bump into each other.
Like, apparently in China, that's a thing.
bert kreischer
Oh, in Vietnam, I made the analogy in Japan, it's like no one touches each other.
In Vietnam, they got their fingers in your mouth.
joe rogan
Oh, Jesus.
bert kreischer
No, not really, but, like, figuratively.
Like, it's really aggressive.
I drove a motorcycle through traffic in Vietnam, and it was thrilling and terrifying.
- Really? - Yeah, 'cause it's almost like New York, but New York on fucking steroids, because you don't pay attention to who's behind you, you just pay attention to who's in front of you.
And you're almost racing everyone.
It was fucking crazy.
I drove old Russian Ural through the streets of Vietnam.
The same motorcycle I had when, I think it was the same motorcycle we had at the farmstay when you called me. - Ah, right.
joe rogan
That was fucking...
What a great call.
bert kreischer
What a great fucking call.
I'm going to write a book out of like top ten things Joe Rogan said to me.
joe rogan
But every now and then I get one like...
bert kreischer
Look at this.
This is Vietnam.
joe rogan
I know I've seen this.
This is insanity.
Imagine being a motorcycle with a kid on your back.
bert kreischer
A kid?
Dude, they got their whole family on the back of that thing.
So insane.
Everyone's got two people.
Some people have three and four people.
joe rogan
Yo, it's so insane.
bert kreischer
Look, there's three people right there.
That's four people.
joe rogan
So insane.
jamie vernon
Two people in boxes on that one.
joe rogan
Don't you think people just kind of get used to that, though?
Like, I think people get accustomed to almost anything.
We're accustomed to driving cars now.
That shit has only been around for a hundred years.
It's so weird.
So weird driving around in a fucking car everywhere.
It's only been around for a short amount of time.
And we're just so accustomed to it.
It's just normal.
bert kreischer
When you think about taking horses across the country...
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
Have you ridden a horse lately?
joe rogan
No.
Fuck horses.
You know how gangster those people...
Not fuck horses.
I don't love horses.
Let me be clear.
I want to rephrase.
I say bad things sometimes.
I don't mean to.
Fuck me riding a horse.
bert kreischer
That's what I meant.
Fuck horses.
joe rogan
Fuck horses.
I'm not getting on horses.
Not fuck them.
I think they're beautiful, amazing creatures.
You know what I'm really kind of sad about, honestly?
bert kreischer
What?
joe rogan
That there's a lot of wild horses in this country, and they're trying to figure out what to do with them.
And they might wind up killing them.
bert kreischer
No.
joe rogan
Yeah, they might.
I mean, I think there's people that are proposing, like, Getting rid of a certain amount of them.
I don't know what they do with them now.
How do they handle wild horses now?
But there was this argument that they just can't let them get to a point where there's no predators for wild horses, and they just start overwhelming the population in some of these areas.
There's cattle that graze in these areas, and the horse and the cattle compete for food.
But there's a lot of wild horses in this country.
It's kind of a sad animal to be wild.
It's like wild dogs.
bert kreischer
No, it's beautiful.
I was in Crow Territory up in either South Dakota or Montana, and we were driving motorcycles for Travel Channel.
And we took a helicopter.
We hunted a buffalo with the Crow Nation.
Shot the buffalo.
Processed it.
Then they take us back and they put us on our motorcycles and they're like, hey, we're gonna meet up at the bottom.
Everyone's gonna have a drink.
And I'm on my motorcycle.
I did not have a drink in me.
And the sun's setting.
And we're driving through the hills, like the fucking hills.
And as I'm listening to Wilco in my headset, with my helmet on, on a fucking Indian judge.
I think it was a judge, whatever the fucking judge was.
A fucking pack of wild horses starts running next to me.
And no one's around.
No cameras.
No film.
Just me, Wilco, and fucking seven horses at a full fucking sprint keeping up with me on the motorcycle.
The sun's setting and I'm just thinking, motherfucker.
No one's gonna believe this.
No one's gonna ever see this.
It's just your moment you have in life.
Wow, horses are fucking beautiful.
Beautiful.
joe rogan
No, I should rephrase what I'm saying.
I don't think...
Here's my thought on it.
I don't want them to be killed like other animals.
I don't want people to hunt wild horses.
bert kreischer
Oh, no, no.
joe rogan
The best way to control populations is either you send someone out to kill them or you let people hunt them.
And for all the other animals, like the deer species and elk and stuff, they let people hunt them and that's how they keep populations in check.
But with this one, it's like you can't...
I don't...
Who wants to go out and shoot dogs?
Nobody.
bert kreischer
Do they do that?
joe rogan
No, but I mean, no.
I guess they probably do with wild dogs.
Well, wild dogs are a problem.
I think an elderly man got killed recently by wild dogs in Georgia or something.
bert kreischer
Oh, dude, that down south- Which is really scary.
Down south, you can still get attacked by dogs.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
I went for a jog in Alabama where my wife's family lives.
I went for a jog in Georgia, Alabama, and a dog chased me.
Like, you just forget, people don't have fences everywhere there.
Their dog heard me jogging on the street from their porch and started running at me.
And I just thought, at some point, it'll stop.
I jumped up onto a Baptist church.
They have the foundation with the cross and the name.
Praise Jesus.
I jumped up and I had to standing up there as this dog just stood there and barked at me.
And I'm in running shorts, headsets, and I'm just sitting there waiting for the dog to get done.
And we sat there for 30 fucking minutes.
The dog sat for a second.
And then I'm like, oh my god.
Like, is anyone gonna fucking help me?
And you just sit there.
I think people forget Just how fragile we are as animals, like we are versus other animals.
joe rogan
Some people are just dopey and irresponsible and just let their dog run around.
That's a common thing too.
But the thing about these wild dogs is like once you've got a population of wild dogs breeding in the woods, you basically got something that's kind of like a wolf.
bert kreischer
Very much.
joe rogan
It's kind of like a small shitty wolf.
bert kreischer
Look at this!
joe rogan
Oh my god!
bert kreischer
Fuck off!
joe rogan
He fought for his life against three large dogs.
What the fuck?
This guy got torn apart.
jamie vernon
Two hippos and a German shepherd.
joe rogan
Jesus fucking Christ.
bert kreischer
And they were all on the same team?
joe rogan
He said they kept attacking me for like 15 minutes.
Roll that down.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
It was actually it.
Oh my god.
Three dogs.
Two of them were pit bulls.
The third one was a German Shepherd.
One with a German Shepherd.
One of them attacked me.
When it did, it triggered the other two and they joined in.
They were attacking me from all sides.
I was trying to keep them away from the inside of my legs where the femoral arteries are and away from my neck.
I had nothing with me to fend them off.
I was desperately grabbing sticks to hit them, but the sticks were decayed and kept falling apart.
They kept attacking me for what seemed like 15 minutes.
I was physically and mentally exhausted.
I was trying to figure out what to do.
I considered falling on the ground or rolling up in a ball and playing dead like you're supposed to do with bears.
I considered screaming for help.
But I knew no one would hear me.
My four-wheeler and my cell phone were 150 yards away and I knew I would never make it there.
I finally remembered that there's a tree stand nearby the adjoining property.
I found a good stick and I was able to keep the dogs at a distance until I could get to that stand and climb up on it.
In the stand, Scott was able to catch his breath, get his heart rate down, and keep the first good look at his wounds.
He was in bad shape.
He had punctures and lacerations of both arms and both hands, and from his waist down to his ankles.
He needs medical attention immediately.
I sat in the stand for about 30 minutes after the dogs left.
He said, when I got down, they heard the rustling of the leaves under my boots.
They came running back in.
So Scott rushed back into the tree stand and waited another 30 minutes after the dogs left.
This time he purposely made a lot of noise to see if the dogs would return.
They did not.
He decided to head in the opposite direction, away from his four-wheeler and where the dogs had come from.
I found a good stick and I quietly tiptoed to a fence line that was about 60 yards away.
I climbed over the fence and then hiked about a half a mile through a cow pasture out to the highway.
I stood...
I didn't know the story was going to be so long, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm apologizing.
I apologize.
I feel like I'm so fucking...
This guy got fucked up by dogs.
The end.
jamie vernon
298 puncture wounds and lacerations.
A lot of stitches to fix them up.
joe rogan
So I guess he got out.
A couple guys alone in a pickup truck drove around me.
Yeah.
Okay.
There it is.
So he got help.
jamie vernon
No rabies.
bert kreischer
Okay, let's work this into this bit.
This is why Germans are weak, because Germans don't have predators.
This is what I was trying to say.
If you grew up with predators, I grew up getting attacked by dogs in Florida.
joe rogan
You think that helped you?
bert kreischer
No, it can get me anxiety.
joe rogan
When you were a kid, when I was a kid, if you saw a dog on the street, it could always be touch and go.
You never knew.
You always moved away from a dog that you just saw.
bert kreischer
How are your daughters around a strange dog?
joe rogan
They know.
Really?
Yeah.
Because I've seen bad dogs, good dogs.
They've seen dogs.
And some dogs, you just can't trust them.
You don't know them.
No.
You have no idea what's going on with that dog.
And most dogs are great.
I'm a big fan of dogs.
bert kreischer
Most dogs until they're not.
joe rogan
And people that get really violent dogs.
bert kreischer
Dogs are like...
joe rogan
You got a trainer?
You got a trainer?
You got a wild monster that lives with you now.
bert kreischer
Do you ever get...
You ever about to say something and then someone talks over you and you go, that was a good call, man.
unidentified
I should have said that.
bert kreischer
I was about to say the most horrible thing and then I was like...
Glad we cut you back.
Yeah, man.
In Florida, we had gators.
We had lightning.
We had sharks.
We had a lot of poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders.
We had molesters.
That was really big when I was a kid.
They killed that kid, Adam Walsh.
Adam Walsh in Miami.
So that was my tornadoes, hurricanes.
We had a lot of things that could kill you.
I remember we were in Hawaii.
We were doing a hike with this Hawaiian dude, and Isla was terrified.
Isla has a fear of bees.
She has a fear of spiders and stuff.
And she was talking to him about snakes.
And the guy said, oh, we don't have snakes in Hawaii.
And then we get down the hike.
We end up at a restaurant or whatever, having a drink, wherever we went to, with the guy.
And he's very low-key.
And I said something about, you know, this is island living.
And she said to me, and it was an insight from a babe's mouth to a whatever.
She goes, Dad, they don't have snakes.
That's all you need to know about this guy.
I go, what do you mean?
She goes, that's why he's so chill.
He's never had to deal with snakes.
I go, what?
She goes, every time I go in the yard, I'm looking for snakes.
Anytime I walk outside, I'm looking for snakes.
That's the way, when rattlesnakes are a thing in your community, where you lived back in L.A., that was rattlesnake central.
joe rogan
Oh, for sure.
bert kreischer
You never walked into your backyard not thinking there might be a rattlesnake.
joe rogan
No, my dogs got bit multiple times.
bert kreischer
And when that's your reality, it changes the way...
You look at life.
Fucking Australians got everything that could kill them.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Everything.
joe rogan
Everything.
bert kreischer
I mean...
joe rogan
They got those saltwater crocs.
bert kreischer
Dude, you can't...
You know you can't go on the beach at night in Northern Australia.
You can't go on the beach at night because crocs are just laying on the beach and you'll think it's a log and sit on them.
joe rogan
Oh my Jesus Christ.
Shut the fuck up.
bert kreischer
They told us that when we went to go do the Great Barrier Reef.
They're like, do not go on the beach at night.
joe rogan
Do you know what a horrific death that would be?
If you're a little tipsy and you just sit down on what you think is a log?
jamie vernon
I didn't show you this video yesterday.
joe rogan
No.
What do you have for me?
jamie vernon
It went around yesterday.
It happened in Florida.
A 23-year-old dude went out for a piss in the back behind a bar in a rural area.
And lost his arm.
The attack isn't on video, but him thrashing in the water afterwards is, and then they pull him out and the arm missing and pulling the tourniquet on with a guy with a cigarette hanging out over him.
bert kreischer
That's where I fucking grew up.
joe rogan
I don't even want to see that.
jamie vernon
I know you wits.
joe rogan
Don't show me that.
bert kreischer
Anyone that ever says like, hey Bert, why would you ever fuck around with Xanax?
I grew up like that.
On a lake.
On a lake.
Living in the lake.
We would swim in the lake knowing at any moment a gator could take you away from your family and take him back to his nest and sit with you in his mouth for fucking four days until your body rotted and then they do the death roll on the bottom.
I mean, dude.
And then you think about like...
You think about like that, so that creates a person, right?
Australia, that creates a person.
Those are realities in their life.
That creates that person, right?
All those, that trauma.
It's not trauma, but like...
joe rogan
They're kind of similar in a way.
bert kreischer
What's that?
Oh, yeah, but then you look at Germans, they got nothing.
They got nothing.
joe rogan
But I was thinking that Australians, I mean, Australians and Florida people...
There's a lot in common.
bert kreischer
Fucking cousins.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Maybe that's what it is.
Maybe it's like a certain breed of people that has to deal with dangerous environments.
Like, Australians have to deal with sharks.
Saltwater crocs, jellyfish.
Jellyfish can kill them.
bert kreischer
The box jellyfish.
joe rogan
They kill people.
bert kreischer
People swim in pajamas.
joe rogan
Jesus.
bert kreischer
They swim in blue pajamas.
I'm not fucking around.
You swim in blue.
We went to the Great Barrier Reef.
It's box jellyfish season.
Get on blue pajamas.
And so we put on blue pajamas to go snorkeling.
Your whole body's covered.
You have gel on your face.
Every part of you is covered.
joe rogan
Oh, Fuck that.
bert kreischer
And I was like, why would I snort?
Because I go up in Florida.
joe rogan
Why would you do that?
Get the fuck out of that water!
bert kreischer
The fuck out of that water!
It's pretty cool.
joe rogan
I'm sure it's cool, but at what point in time do you not want to get killed by a jellyfish?
Most of the time, right?
So how do you avoid getting killed by a jellyfish?
Don't swear where the fucking jellyfish are.
bert kreischer
Jesus Christ.
They've got nine of the ten.
How many deadly snakes does Australia have?
Because I think they've got nine of the ten deadliest snakes.
We went canyoning, I think it's called, where you just, you like, repel and climb up rocks, but you're going down a canyon through waterfalls and stuff.
And the guy was like, keep away, like, anytime you saw debris on the side, keep away from it.
You know, we got the two-step spider or whatever.
The spiders there are fucking next level.
What's it called, the two-step spider?
unidentified
I made it up.
bert kreischer
I don't know what the fuck it's called.
joe rogan
That's a good day for a spider.
A little fucking country western spider.
bert kreischer
We get bit and you get two steps and then you fall.
Oh, boy.
But that creates a person.
I think about Kelly Slater a lot.
Because I love the podcast you do with him.
You talked about sharks.
unidentified
Mm-hmm.
bert kreischer
The brain that can just shut that off.
joe rogan
Did you see the bull shark attack the kayak recently?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
In Hawaii?
bert kreischer
Was that a bull shark?
Yeah.
joe rogan
No, no, I'm sorry.
bert kreischer
It was a tiger shark.
The bull shark was the one that bit the tail off the other bull shark.
You see that one?
joe rogan
Oh, I didn't see that one.
But let's show the kayak one first.
The tiger shark.
This is in Hawaii.
And I think that's a high percentage of people that get bit in Hawaii get bit by these fuckers.
Look at that thing.
Bro, that is so wild.
Watch that again.
That is so crazy.
I mean, dude, that thing just stormed in.
bert kreischer
Was his feet in the water?
joe rogan
Almost.
bert kreischer
No, his feet are in the water right now.
Look, watch where his left foot comes from.
Watch, his foot's behind the shark right now.
unidentified
Oh, shit.
bert kreischer
He almost got his leg bit off.
joe rogan
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
bert kreischer
Look at this.
That's his...
joe rogan
His foot!
bert kreischer
Dude, that shark almost bit his femoral artery.
joe rogan
Look how insane that is.
Look at that thing.
Just imagine the feeling of that thing chomping on your kayak, and what if it flips it?
It could easily flip it.
bert kreischer
Oh, you're fucked.
joe rogan
I mean, it's just kind of luck that it didn't flip it.
Look at that.
That's insanity.
bert kreischer
That's a fucking big tiger shark, too.
joe rogan
Oh my god, that's so scary.
bert kreischer
That's the guy?
joe rogan
Fuck, dude.
That guy's got to be so happy he's alive.
bert kreischer
It's got to be exhilarating.
joe rogan
I'd be like, uh, with this fucking water thing, hey, fuck you.
It's weird, like, people would change their opinion on sharks.
It used to be that everybody hated sharks after Jaws.
They'd be like, fuck yeah, let's go shark fishing.
Oh, yeah, I'm a fucking manly shark fisherman.
And now it's like leave the sharks alone.
Like people, they need to protect sharks now.
But it's, I understand absolutely they're right.
You need to protect sharks.
But it's just a weird like shift.
There's like a dangerous predator that eats human beings on a regular basis.
And we're like, we got to make sure there's more of those.
It's weird!
I'm not, I understand it.
I agree with it.
But I'm saying it is weird.
That like there was no sharks, no people would get eaten by sharks.
bert kreischer
It's called lakes.
Or not even lakes in Florida.
You get eaten by a gator.
Like Michigan lakes.
You ever seen people in Michigan?
Or Wisconsin?
It's got all the...
Minnesota.
It's got all the fucking lakes.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
And they just swim in lakes and just swim out.
joe rogan
They don't worry about shit.
bert kreischer
My wife's like that.
My wife, we have a lake house in Alabama, and she'll swim out to the middle of the fucking lake.
joe rogan
You know, that's a really good benefit to really cold climates.
No reptiles.
Because when you've got an abundance of dangerous reptiles and terrain where they can hide, you've got a real problem, kids.
bert kreischer
You've got a real problem.
We go back to the thing.
I think it raises a different person.
joe rogan
Oh, for sure.
bert kreischer
I think it creates a person who maybe anticipates the danger.
Anticipates the...
Do you ever anticipate the...
Because I know you're the kind of guy that...
I remember you saying one time, anytime I see a guy with a tie on, I go, he doesn't even know what I could do with that tie.
joe rogan
I was always joking around about that.
But I always felt like if I had a tie on, someone could grab my tie and collar choke me.
So I was like, why would you give someone a handle to put around your neck?
unidentified
I was a little obsessed with Jiu Jitsu back then, though.
bert kreischer
Fucking Isla is obsessed with Jiu Jitsu.
joe rogan
It's really fun, man.
I wish everybody would get obsessed with it.
bert kreischer
Shout out to Eddie Bravo.
joe rogan
Shout out to everybody.
Shout out to Eddie Bravo.
Shout out to Jean-Jacques Machado.
Shout out to all the fucking people teaching that.
Because I think it's one of the most beneficial things that anyone could ever do for their health, for their brain.
The peace of mind, learning something that's actually effective.
bert kreischer
You started fighting early, right?
joe rogan
Well, I started martial arts when I was 15. That's when I really got into it.
I took it a little when I was 14, but it was hard to get to the place.
I started out at this karate place in Newton.
And then I started in Taekwondo when I was 15. What was your...
bert kreischer
You don't have to, obviously, whatever, but you talked about...
joe rogan
I love how you start a question with you.
You don't have to, obviously, whatever.
bert kreischer
I love you.
joe rogan
You know I love you.
bert kreischer
But sometimes I don't know if you told me this in secret and I'm just telling it.
I'm asking you a question that you told me is in secret.
joe rogan
Okay, go ahead.
bert kreischer
Tell me...
You got bullied.
That's why you got into martial arts, because you got bullied, right?
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, for sure.
I mean, I was always small, and I was always new.
I moved into these places a lot.
bert kreischer
What did you weigh?
When you got into martial arts, what did you weigh?
joe rogan
Well, I wrestled at 134 when I was 15. Or I was 14?
15. I was 15. That's like two Tony Hinchcliffs.
So, yeah.
And I don't believe I cut weight for that.
But I did cut weight when I started fighting.
When I was 16 and 17, I was cutting down to 140. And I was weighing 140 for a while, but it was a real struggle.
And I only did the States at 140 once, and that was when I was 17. So what was your, like, because I was bullied.
bert kreischer
It was an all-boys Catholic high school, but it definitely formed a little bit of me that maybe I didn't wish it did.
What was your bullying like?
Can you tell me a bullying story?
joe rogan
It wasn't horrible.
It was just a bunch of dudes being dicks.
And I didn't like the feeling of not being able to defend myself.
bert kreischer
Like, was it physical?
joe rogan
It was scary.
Oh yeah, one dude was.
One dude grabbed me in a headlock.
This is why I started wrestling.
One dude grabbed me in a headlock.
Just like, out of nowhere, we were just staring at each other.
We didn't even exchange words.
And he...
Threw me to the ground, and he raised his fist like he was gonna punch me, and then he decided not to.
And he just let me go.
Like, it was so easy to do that to me that he didn't have to just beat me up.
bert kreischer
Catch and release.
joe rogan
And first of all, thank that dude for doing that.
First of all, I don't know why he grabbed me.
I didn't touch him.
But at least he didn't really hurt me.
But it made me realize, like, oh, I don't know what to do if somebody grabs me and tries to wrestle me.
So I started taking wrestling.
I joined the wrestling team.
And I started doing Taekwondo at the exact same time.
So I was doing both of them at the exact same time.
And I couldn't do two of them.
And I had to pick one or the other.
And I really enjoyed kicking people.
It was exciting.
There was something about that.
It was just so...
It was such a...
And that's when I loved movies, like Chuck Norris movies and...
You know, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.
It's like...
Wild Kicks is what you want to see people do.
You want your Bruce Lee movie?
You want to watch...
I want to be able to do that.
And so that was what I got obsessed with.
That seemed to me to be something fun to do.
bert kreischer
So what do you think it says?
Not to get back to what makes you the man you are and what makes me the man I am, where I go, I want everyone to be pleased.
When I got bullied, and my bullying was pretty physical, because it was an all-boys Catholic high school, and everyone was like, boys will be boys.
I got beat up a couple times, just beat up.
My defense was...
I don't know if it was because maybe I was a little bit bigger and I was the size of the people.
I got bullied by dudes who were bigger than me, but I was also not...
I was probably 180 pounds.
Even still, but I was just a softer dude.
And so I wonder if the...
My bullying regressed my aggression, I think, and it turned me into more of a smartass, more of a like, I'm gonna outwit you.
I've always had a respect, I've always had a big respect for dudes who can fight and not fucking with the dudes who can fight.
Obviously I said I'd fight Israel.
I might have said accidentally, and I'd like to apologize for this publicly, I might have said Tom and I are going to jump Nate Diaz.
I might have said I didn't care if Conor McGregor slapped me.
Meeting Conor, meeting Izzy, I know that that's wild talk.
I'm a comedian.
Everyone should know I'm a comedian.
But that energy?
Is where my sense of humor leaned.
When I got bullied, I just was like, I'm gonna challenge you in comedy, and if you don't get it, then you're the fucking idiot.
But if you get it, does that make sense?
joe rogan
Nope.
bert kreischer
Okay.
I remember one time I got beat up pretty good.
A couple times I got beat up pretty good.
Both were off of jokes.
And what's interesting about both those times, both those men, and I guarantee you they're listening, and they may know who they are, but both those men got publicly shamed and kind of shunned by our friend groups.
They're like, you don't get jokes.
Both those guys didn't get comedy.
And they lost a lot of friends and they lost a lot of like...
because it was like they were jokes.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
But I will tell you those two men taught me a very valuable lesson.
There are men to fuck with and there are men not to fuck with.
joe rogan
Yeah, some dudes don't want you to play games with them.
bert kreischer
They don't.
And it's a real challenge of like, you're the baddest motherfucker I know, well, one of the baddest motherfuckers I know personally.
I make fun of you a lot.
And I've never won.
And I've said wild things about you.
I've said, I called you gay on fucking Logan Paul's podcast.
joe rogan
Hey, I would love to hear more about this.
Jamie, I got that thing is happening to the headphone again.
I don't hear myself anymore.
We're going to pause for a second, folks.
bert kreischer
Shout out to Sebastian.
He just sent me a very sweet text.
joe rogan
Sorry folks, we had a technical issue.
Headphone jack issue.
bert kreischer
Sebastian, what happened?
Sebastian's got a movie also this weekend.
It's called My Father.
I think it's called My Father.
And with Robert De Niro, we both have movies opening this weekend.
This is my thing I'll say right now.
Just bring back comedy.
Bring back comedy.
Support either of our movies.
Go out and watch comedies.
Bring back comedies.
Go to the fucking movie theaters.
Go to the fucking movie theaters.
Text your friends.
If you like the movie, see mine on fucking Friday, Sebastian on Saturday.
Mine on Saturday, Sebastian on Friday.
Whatever it is, support fucking comedy.
Sent me a really sweet text.
joe rogan
It's a weird sort of time for movies because people are very scared to take chances like they took In these classic, like, Tropic Thunder.
Like, you could never.
You could never.
bert kreischer
Shout out.
joe rogan
You could never.
bert kreischer
It's the writer for Fat Astronauts.
joe rogan
Oh, my God.
Perfect.
bert kreischer
Hey, if the machine does well in theaters, we get a green light on Monday, and this script is...
You want to see Cum in Space?
You're going to see a lot of it.
It's a weird time.
I told you this...
I'll say it again, but I was in Serbia before the first day of shooting.
I had some wine at dinner, and I was laying in bed, and I listened to you on a podcast, and you said, here's the problem with comedies.
They don't go fucking hard anymore.
And I sat up in bed, and I went, my first scene isn't hard.
My first scene isn't hard.
It's soft, and it's stupid, and he's right.
And I fucking rewrote it.
I woke up my cousin, I rewrote it, and I said, what do you think?
You think it's better?
And he goes, I don't know if they're gonna let you do it.
And I said, I know, but I just, I'm listening to Joe, and And, like, if you're a little bit of a lighthouse for us comics, where, you know, you've always given me great advice, and I'm hearing you say it third-hand through a podcast.
We rewrote it.
I went in.
I gave it to Peter Tensio.
I said, can we shoot this also?
Shoot this one also.
Do the one you want for safety.
Peter Tensio read it and laughed, sent it to the director.
He read it, or the producer, Cale, loved it, and he was like, let's shoot this one instead.
joe rogan
Beautiful.
bert kreischer
And so we fucking come out hard.
joe rogan
That's great.
It also sounds like a group of people get you.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Sometimes, you know, when a guy's his first big movie, you know, they'll tell you what to do and give you advice that might not necessarily work with your personality.
bert kreischer
Well, people want to be safe, and they don't want to get fired, man.
Everyone's got a BMW, and they've got to pay the payment.
joe rogan
Bro, imagine being the lady that decided to do that Bud Light campaign with Dylan Mulvaney.
Imagine.
Like, never thinking that a mistake that you make in a company could go that bad.
And so people, when they see something like that in the news, they get so fucking scared.
Of being the person that gets involved in another thing like that, for the left or for the right.
It's companies that are learning, that are attaching yourself to these sociopolitical things.
There's consequences.
People get mad.
They get really mad.
bert kreischer
The day that commercial came out, I'm in.
Can I get that letter?
Yeah, please.
The day that commercial comes out, I'm in some fucking arena.
I only say arena so that we know the conversation that you don't try out a lot of new material in arenas.
You know, an arena show is pretty fucking dialed in.
joe rogan
Yeah, pretty dialed in.
bert kreischer
So I bring out a Bud Light.
I've been drinking on stage lately.
I bring out a Bud Light, and this dude boos.
He goes, boo!
And I'm like, what?
And he's like, don't drink that shit.
That's trans shit.
And I'm like, huh?
And this woman goes, he's talking about the commercial.
I was like, wait, because I don't follow the news at all.
I go, what the fuck's going on?
And then people start talking.
They go, Bud Light did a commercial with a trans lady.
Kid Rock showed up the beer.
No one's drinking Bud Light now.
And then I said, I go, now mind you, we're in an arena.
I'm rolling the dice pretty hard.
I go, I don't think they went hard enough.
I go, if I was at Bud Light, this is a commercial I'd make.
Dude's on the corner of his bed.
He's got a Bud Light in his hand.
His chick's behind him.
She's like, are we going to do this or what?
He's like, no, no, no.
We're doing it.
And he kills the Bud Light.
And then he gets in the bed and he sucks his girlfriend's cock.
That's the fucking trans commercial I want to see.
joe rogan
I like that.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's representative.
bert kreischer
And all you see is his head going up and down.
Nice.
And then her voice lowers.
Like, yeah.
Play with the balls.
Play with the balls.
joe rogan
Whoa.
bert kreischer
And then he fucking swallows.
joe rogan
This is very specific.
bert kreischer
And then he follows it with another Bud Light.
joe rogan
This is a chaser.
bert kreischer
That's inclusive.
joe rogan
It is.
It's better.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, just go hard.
Just go so far the other door.
I wonder how much further...
Do people forgive?
Because if these people...
Look, the right-wingers generally tend to be Christian.
Do you think they forgive by the light?
Is there forgiveness in that?
Or is there no forgiveness in a large corporation that attaches...
Is it a lesson for the other corporations if you want to attach yourself to polarizing viewpoints and things that are hot-button social topics?
There's consequences.
unidentified
I don't know.
bert kreischer
I hope it's not.
joe rogan
Why are corporations getting involved in social stuff anyway?
There's only one reason.
Because they think that it's going to benefit their bottom line.
Up until now.
But now it's different.
Now they're doing things.
They're getting involved in social issues because they think they have to.
And the company has to be representative.
And they have to go out there and get involved in these things.
bert kreischer
Your silence is deafening.
That's the thing.
When the black squares came out?
Do you remember when the black squares came out?
joe rogan
They forced you into compliance.
And anytime someone's asking you, forcing you into compliance, that is not, never good.
It's never good.
Because if they can do it with that, then it keeps moving further and further down the line, and then you've got some weird new quasi-freedom.
bert kreischer
Well, you know what it is?
Here's the slippery slope, though.
So you're getting ready to do a Hollywood premiere, right?
And they're at the front, and they're like, hey, do we stand with all women?
And some dude, I won't say names, but some dude who's an actor is like, part of him's like, hey man, I got dirt.
I got dirt.
So I don't want to put the thing on to look like I'm being disingenuous, but maybe I'll skate by.
joe rogan
Oh, they give you a pin?
bert kreischer
They give you a pin.
joe rogan
Oh, come on.
You can't force someone to wear a pin.
That's crazy.
bert kreischer
It's how, I won't say anyone's name, so I don't want to drag up all stuff, but how a couple dudes got caught.
They who they wore a pin on the carpet and then activists like hold on you got shit in your closet Get the fuck out and so a lot of people just it's like Even it's for the best cause in the world if someone's getting you to join join us Join us now.
joe rogan
You're part of social structures.
Yeah, you're part of these weird things that people do when they join groups, you know, it's like if you had pins On, and you came with them, maybe?
unidentified
Do you agree with us about anything?
joe rogan
Even if it was an American flag that would freak people out.
Do this for America.
Put this on for America.
People would start going, hey, you're going to make me put something on?
You're going to hand me something?
Shame me if I don't put the flag on?
bert kreischer
The black square was that.
I woke up that morning.
I think it was pandemic times, right?
June 2020, yeah.
Pandemic times.
I woke up in bed, and I opened it, and I saw a black square, and I thought it was cool.
I thought it was cool.
I was like, that's cool, man.
Yeah, stand up for Black Lives Matter and post the squares.
I was like, that's pretty cool.
And then I saw people not posting.
I'm like posting a picture of their mom or something.
And everyone's like lighting up.
Oh, so you hate black people?
And then I was like, oh, this looks a little toxic.
I go, you know what?
I'm going to stay away from this today.
I like that it's happening.
I support that it's happening.
But I may not be the right guy to post up a black square, right?
In the special that just aired, I had a joke about...
Me and a black dude that maybe could have been on the fence, right?
So I was like, I might not be the spokesman they want.
And this is back when I looked at my DMs, and then my DMs are like, no black square?
No black square, so this is who you are.
This is who you are, Bert.
And I'm talking like a few.
You've made money.
You just did your last special and you made a joke about a black guy.
Stand with him.
How dare you make the money off black?
And I'm sitting there going, well, fuck, man.
And I'm really assessing who I am as a person.
And I'm like, well, I do.
And then you're laying in bed.
This is all happening in bed.
You're like, I do support.
Some of my favorite human beings are black.
My bus driver, who I love to death, Ron, I was like, well, is he thinking this about me?
And then you post to Black Square, and then it's the other side.
Oh, so you're one of those cuck cowards.
And then you eliminate the comments, and god fucking damn.
And then you're like, I guess I'm throwing my phone into the river.
joe rogan
Yeah, man, it's a tribal thing that happens with human beings, especially with polarizing ideas.
You know, whether it's a woman's right to choose, or whether it's pro-choice, or whether it's, you know, do you support Black Lives Matter?
The real problem becomes when people enforce compliance, and they want you to comply, whether it's like they're doing it socially, whether they're threatening your livelihood.
Like, you can force people to think a certain way if it...
If their livelihood depends on it.
And we know that that happens, man.
It's sketchy shit.
bert kreischer
It happened, you know, when they tried to cancel you.
And people started...
Like, I wasn't aware that it was going on.
And I'd wake up, and my DMs were lit up.
How dare you not support Joe?
And I'm like, I don't even know what's fucking happened.
And then I... And then you sit there for a moment, you sit at your desk, and you find out what's going on, and you write something, and you go, I know this is gonna, like, I know some of these LA parents that I'm friends with, or some of my, you know, aren't gonna like my stance right now, but this is my friend.
I don't remember what I wrote.
I don't remember what I wrote, but I posted a picture of me and you.
I said something, I'm very privileged to have Joe as my friend.
I love him, I stand by him, whatever.
Whatever, whatever.
Dude, you want to fucking talk about fucking throwing a fucking...
And then I got a text from my dad.
My dad, it was a phone call.
My dad goes, buddy.
You know, I know I met Joey.
He's a sweet guy.
I don't really stand for whatever's going on with him right now, but I'm so proud to have raised a man that stands by his friends.
And you're like, oh yeah, that's the fucking, that's the real world.
That's the world Joey Diaz lives in.
That real interaction, you have another human being where you go...
I did the right thing.
I'm going to start my day.
Fuck the internet.
Fuck the comments.
I'm not going to fucking sit there in the comments and start fighting with people.
I got into fucking indigenous mascots last night randomly on a fucking someone else's post and I'm reading all these comments and I'm getting worked up and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I like the old school mascot for Florida State.
Fuck it.
I don't give a fuck.
joe rogan
Which thing?
Was this the N-word video?
bert kreischer
N-word video.
joe rogan
Yeah.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
I could see why people would be so upset, obviously.
We used to say the word in a way, like, if you were, like, using it in a sentence, like, talk about a Richard Pryor routine, if you were...
It just...
It didn't seem as offensive then as it does now.
Now it seems like impossibly offensive.
That's what's interesting is that there's no words that are really that way where it's positive if certain people use it and negative if other people use it.
You could say it as an affirmation.
You could say it as a punishment.
A punchline sometimes.
bert kreischer
A punchline sometimes.
joe rogan
So many stand-ups.
bert kreischer
Derek Poston, shout out to him.
I counted last time.
I think it was 25. And he did 10 minutes.
joe rogan
I mean, it's...
b-real
If you're a stand-up, I mean, it is a very valuable word.
bert kreischer
But you know what's crazy?
I watched Derek last night.
Fucking hilarious.
And he uses the word a lot.
And I started counting a couple times.
I was like, this is because I've just seen you.
You know, just seen you.
And you have a, not spoiler alert, but great fucking thing.
And I watched Derek, and I kind of counted, and I thought, what's amazing?
Is they are not even hearing the word, really.
They're not hearing the word as if if I said it, they'd hear it.
It's just skating by.
joe rogan
When he says it, it doesn't cause any tension.
bert kreischer
It's amazing.
joe rogan
It's amazing.
But that's what's so weird about that word, is that it's the only word where the amount of melanin in your skin predicates whether or not you can say it.
Where you're from that dictates where you can say it.
It's a word that is privileged to a certain group.
I mean, not privileged.
Obviously, it's a terrible slur pointed at people.
But when they're using it the way they want to use it, whether it's in hip-hop lyrics or whether it's in stand-up comedy, when they're using it the way they want to use it, It's a beautiful, like, social tool.
bert kreischer
It's melodic.
joe rogan
Oh, my God.
For stand-up comedy, I think it gives an extra layer of flavor.
Like, if, like, Chappelle uses it.
bert kreischer
Chappelle's got a joke about...
I won't even fucking...
But about him and this dude in the car, and a cop pulls up next to him, and it's a white guy, and he's like, I think we should race him.
And Chappelle goes...
But the word is the thing, and it gives it such a, like...
Where you're like, it just sparkles.
joe rogan
Well, Chris Rock is one of the greatest bits ever on that word.
I mean, it's a fucking amazing bit.
It's just a very, very strange word in terms of all the other words that exist.
That's the only one.
There's no positive slurs against Jews.
Right?
There's no slurs against Jews that if someone was Jewish, they could say in a positive way.
bert kreischer
Well, hang on.
The flip is, Jewish people...
I'm getting comfortable.
Jewish people will mock their Judaism in front of you.
Yes.
joe rogan
Like Ari will.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I can't throw a baseball.
You know, typical Jew.
But if you said it to them, they'd be like, what the fuck are you trying to say?
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
And you're like, and here's the thing I was trying to think of last night.
I wanted to talk to you about that thing you're doing, because I was like, it's really brilliant.
And one of the things I was thinking is like, It's possible that white people don't have a word that is as explosive or volatile to us that means so much.
And so maybe we can't understand.
joe rogan
No way.
bert kreischer
We can't understand.
joe rogan
But it's crazy, just as a word, that the flip side of it...
They can use it, and it just sounds fine.
It doesn't offend anybody.
We're all just sitting there.
Everyone's laughing.
bert kreischer
It makes times better.
joe rogan
It's a weird word, man.
bert kreischer
Snoop said it to me when I walked.
We were at this event.
I told you, and I said, I want to go hang out with Snoop.
And Leanne's like, can't you hang out with Snoop?
I go, he's my friend.
If we can't hang out, then we're not friends.
So I went over, I said to the guy, I was like, tell Papa Bert's here.
And he was like, what?
No.
And I was like, just tell Papa Bert's here.
And he's like, who's Papa?
I go, just yell, Papa Bert's here.
He goes, Papa, Bert's here.
And he's like, yeah, dog wants to see him.
And then I just walked through.
I went back.
First words out of Snoop's mouth.
joe rogan
My end.
bert kreischer
And I felt so much love.
I felt so much fucking love.
I felt so much love.
joe rogan
Isn't that crazy?
bert kreischer
Isn't that crazy?
joe rogan
That word is so, it's just as a word.
It's so fascinating.
bert kreischer
And if I, now the exact opposite, if I had said that to him, it would have ruined the night.
joe rogan
Oh yeah, yeah.
bert kreischer
And we're aware of that social interaction, but at the same time, There was this time where people thought, like I remember reading the word in high school during reading Huck Finn, reading it aloud.
joe rogan
Reading it aloud.
Is that still in it or did they change the words?
bert kreischer
I don't know.
joe rogan
Because I think some...
Let's find out what's going on with that because I feel like I read that.
That there was some call to remove that word from Huckleberry Finn.
bert kreischer
Yeah?
joe rogan
That's what it says.
Yeah, it's like...
Well, remember the Chevy Chase routine with Richard Pryor?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Fuck yeah.
joe rogan
On SNL? I mean, it's...
bert kreischer
It was interesting, too, because there was a period of time where Quentin Tarantino had white people say it in his movies.
unidentified
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Well, he said it a bunch of times in Pulp Fiction.
Alabama publisher says expurgation...
Is that the right word?
Expurgation.
bert kreischer
I've never said that before.
I'm using that when I cum.
Hi!
joe rogan
Of more than 200 hurtful epithets will counter preemptive censorship that has seen Mark Twain's...
Yeah, okay, it censors the N-word.
What do they use in replace of that word?
They just call him Jim?
Oh.
bert kreischer
You're reading the words.
Read all the words they say.
joe rogan
Oh my god, they're going to replace it with the word slave.
bert kreischer
Wait, what?
joe rogan
Wow.
In the new edition, the word will be replaced in each instance by slave.
The word engine will also be replaced in the text.
I wonder what...
bert kreischer
That's an interesting word.
I never really heard that word growing up.
joe rogan
Engine?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
And we grew up in Florida where the Seminole tribe was like really big.
joe rogan
Well, they were like the only unconquered tribe.
bert kreischer
Seminole tribe.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
We did...
I did the Civic Center in Tallahassee.
And right before the show, they gave me the spear.
Have I told you this story?
unidentified
No.
bert kreischer
I just don't like repeating myself and I do it a lot.
joe rogan
It's okay.
I forget stories.
unidentified
Good.
joe rogan
I enjoy them in the moment, but there's too many of them.
My database is so overwhelmed.
I'm like a shitty old computer that has way too many fucking movies on it.
bert kreischer
Growing up in Tampa, I had no civic pride.
Like, kids in Boston, you had civic pride.
You wore the Red Sox hat.
We just had the Bucs, and they sucked.
When I went to Florida State, when I started going to Florida State, my dad said, uh, You're going to have so much fun.
You're going to really experience a community.
Those football games, I didn't understand what he was saying.
My dad grew up in New York, Yankees fan.
Like, my dad understood that and knew I didn't have it as a kid.
And I went to Florida State and my first game, I didn't really understand.
We're all wearing the same colors.
We're doing the Tomahawk chant.
And that first game, Chief Osceola comes out on Renegade.
And he has, on the horse, have you ever seen this?
joe rogan
No.
bert kreischer
He has a burning spear.
And he comes out.
Jamie, you've got to pull it up.
So beautiful.
On bareback on a horse.
Dude dressed, Native American, dressed Native American like a seminal with a burning spear.
And he goes out to the center of the fucking thing.
And he rears Renegade back on his two legs.
And he holds it there.
And the whole crowd's going, ah!
And then he spikes the burning spear in the center.
The place explodes.
Look at this.
unidentified
A kid from Florida.
bert kreischer
I'm seeing this.
This is me.
I'm fucking 18 years old.
joe rogan
This is so crazy.
bert kreischer
Just committing a hate crime.
joe rogan
What is the hand forward supposed to represent?
bert kreischer
Throwing the spear.
joe rogan
Oh, really?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
Throwing the spear.
joe rogan
This is so psycho.
bert kreischer
Dude, this is me at 18 with no idea.
joe rogan
I'm high as shit.
unidentified
This is so psycho.
bert kreischer
I'm drunk.
I don't know what's going on.
My dad told me to get ready for this, and I'm a part of this in the moment, right?
Dote Campbell Stadium.
One of the coolest college experiences you could ever have in a million fucking years.
Fuck the Irish.
unidentified
Football.
bert kreischer
Fuck Shane Gillis.
unidentified
Football.
bert kreischer
Shane Gillis, you fat fuck.
Fuck your team.
Yeah, shut him.
Yeah, shut the fuck up and stay there.
Look at this.
This is Florida State, baby.
unidentified
Listen, man.
joe rogan
Football is war with a condom on.
bert kreischer
Did they show Chief Osceola throwing the spear yet?
joe rogan
This is a representation of war.
Everyone's chanting and cheering for their warriors.
These warriors spill out onto the field.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
But wait, wait, you gotta see Osceola.
joe rogan
Okay, but do you realize how crazy this looks?
bert kreischer
Look at this!
These are Osceola!
Yeah, fuck yeah!
Let's get after them, boys!
joe rogan
Oh, you're getting territorial.
bert kreischer
Fuck yeah!
This is me.
This is my fucking...
joe rogan
That's not you, Bert.
You live in Burbank.
bert kreischer
Watch this, watch this, watch this.
joe rogan
Shut the fuck up.
bert kreischer
This is who I was.
This is my grooming, Joe.
This is the snakes I grew up with.
These are the gators I grew up with.
joe rogan
Okay.
bert kreischer
And then...
joe rogan
You're so excited about a team still with people you don't know.
bert kreischer
But these are my colors!
joe rogan
Oh, I get it now.
No, I don't.
bert kreischer
And then you've got to see.
Go to Chief Osceola.
jamie vernon
It's not showing it on this video.
bert kreischer
They're not showing it?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
That's one of the things that I like about combat sports.
There's none of this.
bert kreischer
So then he throws a spear in.
The place pops.
unidentified
The place pops.
bert kreischer
80,000 people pops.
I start crying.
Aww.
unidentified
Like...
joe rogan
Can you imagine?
bert kreischer
I start crying.
So I'm like, I'm a part of something.
Something bigger than me, I'm a part of it for the first time in my life.
So I come back to play the arena.
Oh, hold on.
Hit pause.
I go back to play the arena.
And they have everything.
I mean, everything.
joe rogan
So it's your roles?
bert kreischer
No, they're welcome back, birdie boy.
It's like they have a red carpet lined up.
And they say to me, and I take a walk through campus, and kids are sticking their heads out the window.
It's so silly that I get emotional about this.
And they say to me, they go, at the end they go, they said, hey, there's a present we want to give you before you go on stage.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
I thought I was getting a doctorate.
I thought they were going to give me like the cap and gown, your doctor partying or some shit.
And they give me the spear.
They give me the fucking spear.
And they're like, hey.
And then this is me.
This is one of the greatest moments of my fucking life.
You taking your shirt off?
No, take a look at this.
Tell me how fucking beautiful that is.
joe rogan
Oh yeah, I saw this.
I saw this on your Instagram.
This is amazing.
unidentified
Look at all they're doing at Tomahawk with their fucking hands.
joe rogan
Everyone's doing it with their phones.
This is...
Boy, it'd be so easy to start a cult there.
Fuck yes.
Oh, yeah.
You can just...
bert kreischer
Send me back.
joe rogan
You're ready.
bert kreischer
Send me back, brother.
joe rogan
It is...
It's so...
bert kreischer
Play that at my funeral.
joe rogan
Isn't that interesting?
How fucking territorial people are?
And how much they love, like, this...
An area that they're from.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
It's crazy.
joe rogan
But it's also, like, what you're talking about, like, survive...
Yeah, there it is.
You're talking about surviving alligators and living in the swamps with wild folks.
bert kreischer
That's how we get down.
joe rogan
That's how you get down.
bert kreischer
That's how you get down.
Go to fucking...
Go to Australia and do a show and they're all going, Shooey!
Shooey!
I got a throat infection.
joe rogan
From drinking out of people's shoes?
bert kreischer
I drank out of so many shoes, Joe.
joe rogan
Jesus Christ.
bert kreischer
I had to stop.
joe rogan
You had a throat infection?
bert kreischer
I got a throat infection.
joe rogan
So even all the alcohol that we were throwing down wasn't enough to counteract the funk?
Of someone's fucking dirty feet that he was sucking on.
bert kreischer
It was my shoes.
I started buying new shoes so I could do more shoes.
unidentified
Oh, that's so gross.
joe rogan
That's so gross.
Your own shoe?
You drinking your own funk?
No, what's worse?
Yeah, your funk would be way better than someone else's.
bert kreischer
Joe, I was buying brand new shoes just to drink out of.
unidentified
Oh, Christ.
bert kreischer
Very seldomly in America do I wake up going, what shoe am I going to drink out of today?
And that was every fucking day in Australia.
joe rogan
Yeah, you got to give up on that idea.
These people are...
Stop.
I don't want to see this.
bert kreischer
If you Google Burt Shuey, you'll see them all over the place.
joe rogan
What if that's good for your gut biome?
bert kreischer
You're so Joe Rogan!
joe rogan
Yeah.
I wonder.
bert kreischer
You are the weirdest dude I know.
I wonder if there's good for your gut bio.
unidentified
Yeah, I would imagine if it stresses you a little.
joe rogan
Like, people in some countries, they drink their water and they don't have a problem.
But if an American went over there and drank their water, they would get deathly sick.
bert kreischer
Mexico.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
You can't brush your teeth with that shit.
joe rogan
Montezuma's revenge.
Gives you asshole fucking jet spray.
Bad diarrhea, hangover, right?
It's real bad, right?
bert kreischer
We did it to the Native Americans.
We rolled over here and just fucking infected them.
joe rogan
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
bert kreischer
With like little things.
joe rogan
Smallpox.
bert kreischer
Was it smallpox?
unidentified
Mm-hmm.
bert kreischer
Oh.
joe rogan
Yeah.
They literally killed 90% of the population.
Ninety percent.
We think of the genocide as being like us killing or not us.
My family came over here in the 20th century.
But we think of it as, yeah, massacres.
But it wasn't.
It was that for sure.
There was a lot of massacres.
It's a lot of atrocities.
But also, the majority of people were killed by diseases they had no immunity for.
And that's probably what happened with the Mayans, too.
When they think about, like, where this civilization that created these incredible structures, like, how did this happen?
You go back to Cabeza de Vaca, when there's a great book called The Land So Strange.
And it's all about these guys from Spain landing in Florida and making their way and running into the Mayans and like, what the fuck is going on down there?
Oh, dude.
bert kreischer
Wait, what's the name of this book?
joe rogan
It's called A Land So Strange.
bert kreischer
A Land So Strange.
joe rogan
Yeah.
What these guys encountered when they're talking about, when those early settlers encountered these incredible cities where people had all these gold ornaments and this incredible sophistication, and then when people went back later, it was gone.
Everyone was dead.
Because those people that went there first and then came and told everybody about it, they killed them all.
They just breathed on them with that European funk.
The stuff that they had lived with, so they had immunity to it.
So when they came over here, they just killed everybody.
bert kreischer
Jesus.
joe rogan
Yeah.
That's what happened to 90%, they think, of the Native Americans.
bert kreischer
And happened probably throughout the Micronesia, probably, when James Cook started to discover everything?
joe rogan
Well, that's also one of the reasons why North Sentinel Island, that island where that missionary went and got murdered by the natives, They think that the reason why they're hostile to people is that at one point in time there was this guy who was a famous explorer slash pervert who used to travel around and take photographs of people dressed up in Roman costumes and shit.
A lot of these people, they went to a bunch of these sort of uncontacted islands and they kidnapped some people and got a bunch of people sick.
And a few people died from whatever they got sick from.
And so I think they've always connected people that visit them with sickness and death.
That guy fucked it up for everybody.
bert kreischer
I had that feeling towards women for a while.
You get to clap once and you're like, I don't trust any fucking woman.
unidentified
Venereal diseases are pretty wild.
joe rogan
Diseases are so crafty.
They figure out a way, like, how can I get in there?
I know.
I gotta get on that guy's dick.
bert kreischer
Have you ever heard of BD?
joe rogan
I never had anything that was worth talking about on a podcast.
unidentified
So crap.
joe rogan
Nothing deadly.
What's terrifying to me is that...
That's how people died in the 1400s.
bert kreischer
Al Capone.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Al Capone had fucking syphilis.
joe rogan
Yeah, you watch those old photographs and video of...
Well, I guess not photographs, but...
Do they have video of anybody who has syphilis?
bert kreischer
Oh, their nose goes away.
joe rogan
Everything.
Big holes in their faces.
Scary shit, man.
Because, like...
That fucking tissue rotting, what does that do to your insides?
You've got holes in your face and holes in the top of your head, and it's from sex?
bert kreischer
Dude.
joe rogan
I've told this a million times, but you know that's where the term bigwigs comes from, right?
bert kreischer
No.
joe rogan
You don't know this?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
There was these French royal guys, and they had syphilis, and so their hair was falling out, and they put on these wigs.
And when they were very popular socially, and everyone started wearing wigs.
And the more money you had, the bigger your wig was.
bert kreischer
Really?
joe rogan
That's what big wig is.
Yeah.
bert kreischer
I love those.
joe rogan
It comes from syphilis.
bert kreischer
That should be an app.
I love those.
You know where cat in the bag came from?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's some good ones like that.
bert kreischer
Like long in the tooth?
joe rogan
Mm-hmm.
bert kreischer
It's because you hold a horse's mouth open to see how long the tooth was, and that's not how old they were.
And then you start looking at old people's teeth, especially their bottom teeth, and they're really fucking long, and you're like, oh, wow, holy shit.
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Your gums start falling apart.
unidentified
Mm-hmm.
bert kreischer
I like that shit.
joe rogan
Yeah.
It's interesting, those phrases, like where they come from.
But that one's particularly weird.
bert kreischer
I wonder if we've started any as comics, because comedy's so big right now.
Like, give them the light.
joe rogan
Yeah, give them the light, maybe.
There's probably a few.
It's a fun time for comedy.
bert kreischer
Dude.
joe rogan
It's a fun time.
bert kreischer
Can I tell you, I was thinking about this in bed today.
I was like, I wonder, like, I'll put it in UFC terms.
Like, so, Oleg Taktarov.
Taktarov is in our movie.
joe rogan
I love that dude.
bert kreischer
He loves you.
And he is a fun fucking hang.
joe rogan
He's a fun dude.
bert kreischer
Do you remember when we FaceTimed you?
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
We were watching the World Cup soccer and I went to this hotel because the whole cast was over there.
He's a big dude.
He's a big dude and he's still strong as fuck and he's tight.
He's a strong man.
joe rogan
Oleg Tektorov was one of the first guys that I ever saw in MMA pull off leg locks against really high level competition.
And then I found out about Pancrase afterwards.
But Oleg was one of the first guys I think I ever saw that pulled off leg locks.
I was like, wow.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
So I was thinking about this.
So he's in the movie.
He's a big actor.
He's a big actor now.
But when I ran into him, we were both drinking beers, and I didn't realize who it was.
And he just walks up to me in that Russian accent.
He's like, you know Joe?
And I was like, Rogan?
He goes, yeah, call him.
And I go, that's not how Joe works.
You don't just like FaceTime Joe.
And he goes, FaceTime Joe.
And I FaceTime you, and you picked up.
And he grabbed the phone, and he goes, Joe.
And you're like, Oleg, holy shit, what are you doing?
He goes, I'm doing a movie with him.
But I think about this when I think about comedy.
So you look at Oleg and the career he had.
He was a fucking legend, right?
unidentified
Yeah.
bert kreischer
You look at Hoyce Gracie.
You look at Ken Shamrock.
Tito Ortiz.
unidentified
Right.
bert kreischer
All these fucking guys with the fucking strong ear who used it against people.
joe rogan
Randy Couture.
bert kreischer
Randy Couture.
joe rogan
Charades!
bert kreischer
And then the other guy who always seemed like he got sliced on his eye by a glove during a fight and he had to tap out because he got sliced by a glove.
He used to fight against Randy all the time.
joe rogan
That was Randy, too, buddy.
bert kreischer
No, no, no.
joe rogan
Randy got his eye cut.
bert kreischer
Oh, was it Randy?
joe rogan
Yeah, it was against Vitor Belfort.
bert kreischer
Chuck Liddell.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, Chuck didn't have that issue.
I thought he did.
Yeah, no, that was Randy against Vitor Belfort.
It was just a very unusual injury, and it sliced the eyelid open, and they had to stop the fight.
Like, the actual eyelid had separated.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I remember that.
Well, I remember it kind of.
joe rogan
They couldn't let him fight.
bert kreischer
You think about all those guys, right?
Those are like the guys that started, the guys that were the one that piqued our interest.
They ran UFC. Ran UFC. And then you look at like Izzy and fucking Conor, and you see how much money someone like Conor makes.
And I always wonder if those guys look at Conor and go like, shit, man, you're welcome for the path I carved through the road, because you would have never gotten there.
Last night I'm hanging out with Dice.
I'm thinking, Dice is the first guy that ever did arenas.
Steve Martin did, but he was the only motherfucker that did arenas.
joe rogan
Yeah, he was the first, for sure.
The first guy to do...
What was the number he said?
He said some insane number.
Do you remember the number he said he did?
700 or some shit like that.
Some insane number of arenas.
I don't remember what the number was, but it was like, holy shit!
bert kreischer
And we're talking about Carlin and fucking all the legends that were in the 80s.
They never got to do stadiums and arenas.
Andrew Schultz did the fucking Houston Stadium the other day.
He did the stadium.
I mean, Tommy did two shows at the United Center.
joe rogan
It's a wild time for comedy.
bert kreischer
But I wonder if those comics look at us the same way Oleg and those guys look at Connor.
Like, he's just lucky timing.
We just showed up at a time when these people laid the foundation for what could become, you know?
joe rogan
Listen, you're gonna waste time and energy thinking about that.
Who cares what they think?
bert kreischer
Mike Schmidt played for the fucking Phillies.
And then you see him negotiate a contract for $350,000.
And then you look at the guys negotiating for like $750,000.
It's just crazy that I was trying to break it down in my head.
joe rogan
I see what you're saying.
I see what you're saying.
But for sure, but that's going to be the case with the next generation that comes up after us.
They'll probably have some insane advantage as well.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, there's just social media and podcasts just changed everything.
unidentified
Changed everything.
Hold on.
bert kreischer
You...
I'm gonna do two seconds, but you gave a lot to us.
joe rogan
You gave a lot to me.
bert kreischer
No, no, no.
I meant to our community.
joe rogan
Yeah, but the community...
bert kreischer
Because you didn't have, like, your three openers that you only put on.
It wasn't just you and your couple boys.
You opened it up to all of us, and you were like, hey Tom, who's your buddy Bert?
And then he's like, oh, you should meet Bert.
I want to meet him.
And then you'd put people over.
Hey Bert, who's that guy?
I'm saying this, but like, I had Tim on my podcast very early.
And then all of a sudden, like, you're like, hey, introduce me to Chris DiStefano, and all these guys that are like, you never had any jealousy about you.
You always were generous with your platform and with your fans.
And maybe not enough people know that, and maybe not enough people appreciate Just the feeling that we as a community have for you because you gave us things.
Not money, not anything, but just opportunities.
I said this to Big Boy on a podcast the other day.
You never cared about one-upping anyone.
I do that sometimes in podcasts.
I'm going to tell the story.
I tell the story that I think is better.
I do it.
unidentified
I do it.
bert kreischer
But you didn't.
You were like, that's a great story.
And then you go, hey, did you ever wonder how they built the pyramids?
And you just were curious and fun.
And I'm telling you, man.
I said to someone the other day, you got like 10 friends who do arenas.
joe rogan
Pretty crazy.
bert kreischer
That never happened.
joe rogan
That's pretty wild.
bert kreischer
You have ten of your best friends that do arenas.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
There's not a lot.
I don't.
I don't.
I haven't put over people like that.
There's not a lot of comics out there that have done that for comedy.
And you never said, like, yo, can I get a cut of that or anything?
joe rogan
That's very nice of you to say, but in my defense, no one else had the opportunity that I had.
I had a very unique situation.
So for me, it makes sense.
It's mutually beneficial.
It's great for everybody.
It's great for the art form.
It's fun.
And I like when people do well.
I like it.
bert kreischer
I've always liked it.
That's unique.
You know that, right?
joe rogan
It shouldn't be.
It's a mindset.
I could have fallen into the same jealous mindset that most people have.
I'm not a special person.
I just figured it out early on that it's actually a weakness.
See, I assessed, I analyzed like when I would feel bad about someone doing well.
I'm like, what is that about?
And I sat around and I thought about it for quite a bit.
And this was when I was like 21. Because I remember I had definitely had a lot of jealousy when I was fighting.
But then when I got into comedy, I sort of carried that over.
And one time I was thinking about it.
b-real
And it really bothered me.
joe rogan
Because I'm like, that seems like that's taking up a lot of my energy.
That I'm jealous of someone who's doing better than me.
Like, why would I do that?
Why, when I instead could have the exact same experience but be inspired?
I'm like, it's just a mindset switch.
And it also makes it so much easier to hang out with people and talk to people.
It makes you have better bonds with people.
If you can just fucking enjoy watching people do well and then do your best.
Do your best.
And enjoy watching people do well.
And I think that doing well is contagious.
And I think doing well, if you're around people that do well and you help them and they help you, I think it's contagious.
And I think that shit spreads.
bert kreischer
You gave us success, Pod.
You were the settler that came into a bunch of indigenous people and gave us the sex box.
Because there's, I mean, you know, it's like...
joe rogan
Well, we have to take credit to the store, too, because it all really came to fruition at the store.
It's like the camaraderie that we all had at the store.
And that, you know, it was like the first group that actually benefited from each other rather than, you know, if you and I were both up for the same role in a sitcom, we're friends, but we see each other auditioning.
And it's like, and some guys will get shitty with you.
Just try to fuck with your head.
You know, I've experienced that before in auditions.
I was like, oh god, people insult you just to try to fuck with your head or try to make you feel bad before you go into the room.
But we didn't have that because we sort of made it in a time when the internet was coming alive.
And as our careers advanced, the internet did too.
And what happened was we all became a benefit to each other instead of a liability.
To have really funny friends that you could do podcasts with was great.
We would do each other's shows and we would all have fun together and then we would go to the Ice House and do shows there and do this and do that.
Because everyone became a great asset instead of a liability.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So instead of like a competition, like, oh, he might get the part, it became, oh, and then we also realized that when you do a bunch of shows like we were doing at the Ice House with a bunch of killers...
You get better.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
You get better.
bert kreischer
You get better.
Everybody gets better.
Mark Norman watched me last night.
I told a joke that I... It's not a joke.
It was just something that happened to me once in life.
It's a story, but it's just a weird story.
And you need guys like Adam Egan or Mark Norman.
Mark Norman came up to me and goes, that's a fucking bit.
And I was like, for real?
He's like, dude, it's fucking hilarious.
joe rogan
Sometimes, right?
You just like, someone needs to tell you.
And then you're like, oh, I know I can say it.
I know how to...
Okay.
bert kreischer
Dude.
joe rogan
And then you go to work on it.
bert kreischer
I said one of the best jokes I had on Secret Time was not...
I go to film Secret Time, and the week before I spent every night at the store, and I said, I want to make sure where these holes are, because that's a pretty honest audience.
unidentified
Mm-hmm.
bert kreischer
And I randomly told a story about getting my wife pajamas for Christmas.
Just in the OR when you're bombing.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
And then you're like, I gotta pivot.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
And I'm just like, this will work.
This is a good story.
It wasn't in my hour.
And Adam Eagat pulled me aside.
He goes, that's the best joke you have.
joe rogan
Oh, that's hilarious.
bert kreischer
And I went, that's not a joke.
And he goes, it better be in secret time.
And I go, no, it's not.
And I moved it up.
I took it that weekend.
That week I worked it out at the OR. Put it in secret time in the first like 14 minutes where I work specials differently, I think.
Put it in the first 14 minutes.
It's like the most, like the biggest joke I had.
And I go, thank God I'm around fucking smart motherfuckers.
joe rogan
Yeah, thank God.
It's nice to have a lot of people to bounce things off of, too.
That's been nice about being here.
bert kreischer
I told Adam last night, because I worked with a young lady who's fucking a gangster.
She's a gangster.
She's awesome.
And Adam said, how did that happen?
And I go, I watched what Joe did with you.
He goes, what?
And I go, Joe wanted you.
He's like, Joe's like, I'm starting a club.
I want that guy.
And he said, I'm paraphrasing, tell me what you want.
Cool, let's do it.
I said the same thing to Victoria.
I said, tell me what you want.
Cool, let's do it.
You surround yourself by the motherfuckers, and you are golden.
And you walk in, Leanne said last night, Leanne had a beautiful experience at the comedy mothership.
She said to me this morning, I feel like Austin hasn't been any of mine because you always go there by yourself.
And it's so cool because she goes, you know, every club I go to with you, they know who I am.
And I just didn't think anyone would know me at the Comedy Mothership.
And then we stayed there until 3 in the fucking morning.
She goes, that's the coolest place.
She goes, did he hire everyone that's good?
And I went, everyone.
He got everyone.
And that's the fucking model.
Fucking surround yourself by the motherfuckers.
joe rogan
Yeah, do it the right way too.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
If you're gonna do it.
And don't do it until you can do it the right way.
You know?
Bind your time.
Take chances.
bert kreischer
Take chances.
Sell Fleshlights.
joe rogan
Yeah, have some fun out in this wild world.
Bert Kreischer, you were probably on episode like fucking three or something like that.
What episode was Bert Kreischer on?
bert kreischer
No, it was late.
joe rogan
What was the number?
jamie vernon
The Machine Story was number 95. Wow!
joe rogan
The Machine was number 95. Wait, what year was that?
bert kreischer
Can you tell me?
joe rogan
I'm going to say that's 2010. The Machine Story.
bert kreischer
I never would have told her on stage.
joe rogan
What a wild thing.
Out of all the things that have emerged from the podcast, this has got to be the most preposterous.
jamie vernon
Number 73 might have been your first one.
bert kreischer
73 is when I told the Tracy Morgan story.
jamie vernon
So that was January 2013?
bert kreischer
Shout out to Tracy, I'm so sorry.
joe rogan
2013?
jamie vernon
Hold on, this is...
joe rogan
No, this is incorrect.
Okay.
Either way.
It was a long-ass time ago.
If you would have told me that you telling that story on the podcast would not just become like a part of your act you have to tell every time, it would also become a fucking movie that's about to come out.
I always said, what?
Yeah, it's gonna be like the number one movie in the country.
What are you talking about?
That story?
On this fucking show we did in a bedroom in my house?
How is this possible?
How is it possible?
unidentified
That one was April 5th, 2011. 2011?
bert kreischer
Dude!
joe rogan
That's when you told it.
bert kreischer
April's my fucking month.
joe rogan
Wow.
bert kreischer
April's my fucking month.
joe rogan
What a crazy fucking story.
bert kreischer
The Rolling Stone magazine came out April 1st.
joe rogan
And for someone to try to take that story and say, do you support the mafia?
Are you a part of robbing?
Have your friends forgiven you?
Are you trying to play gotcha journalism?
How many dorks did you have to talk to when you did this media junket?
unidentified
Look at that.
joe rogan
Look at young Bert.
Look at you.
bert kreischer
Look at Joe Rogan with a beard.
Black beard.
joe rogan
Back in the day, son.
jamie vernon
This is about the time I told it.
joe rogan
Last night you were here, there's a fucking story about the Russian mob.
We teased these bitches.
These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day.
Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, man.
Tell us what the fuck happened.
Go find that online, ladies and gentlemen, because it's fucking amazing.
bert kreischer
That story changed my life, Joe.
That story changed my life.
joe rogan
Hey, we all changed each other's lives.
Legitimately.
We really did.
We got a great thing going on.
There's a lot of us.
It's a lot of fun.
These shows have been amazing.
It's such a good time.
Everyone's podcast is thriving.
It's beautiful.
bert kreischer
Here's what I'll say.
Keep the good time rolling.
I'll tell you secret time.
joe rogan
More secret time?
bert kreischer
If comedies do well in the theater, Next summer, your lineup has got Shane Gillis, in the movie theater, Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon, Mark Norman, fucking Tom Segura, Burkroy.
If you go out and you spend your money to support live comedy like we know our fans do, support it in the theaters.
Get our backs in the theaters to prove to the studios that our sense of humor is real and it translates.
joe rogan
And if you enjoy comedies like I do, there's only one way.
This is the roll of the dice.
This is it.
They're taking a chance now.
bert kreischer
They're taking a chance.
joe rogan
And if this scores, then the party keeps rolling.
bert kreischer
But you gotta go to the movie theaters, man.
You gotta prove it in the movie theaters.
And I know that's a selfish ask.
joe rogan
Why is it more important in the movie theaters than the amount of streams?
The amount of buying on Apple?
bert kreischer
So, the way a deal works...
Once again, I know I'll get in trouble for this.
The way a deal works...
joe rogan
Well, don't say it if you're going to get in trouble.
bert kreischer
Nope.
I don't care.
I want my movie to do well.
unidentified
Okay.
bert kreischer
So, the way a movie works is you get X amount of dollars, $20 million to make a movie.
I think we spent $20 million, $30 million on the machine.
joe rogan
Okay.
bert kreischer
So, if it goes in the movie theaters, everyone gets to recoup their money.
When you go to a streamer, they basically go, what did you pay?
Cool.
We'll break you even, and we'll give you a little extra, but you don't get the big bucks.
That's coming to us.
And so if this movie does well, everyone's got points on the back end.
So every extra dollar you make, everyone that makes it starts making money.
All these people that go, you know, hey, we should put this and this and do this comedy and make it soft.
They start realizing, shit, my money will make...
Fucking murdering a dude and blood all over the place.
Like, make fucking crazy comedies.
That'll make me money.
And then they'll start leaning into it.
And then there's a bunch of people that'll go, let's go harder.
Hey, Kurt Metzger, what's your idea?
And so, like, in the movie theaters, there's just more money to be made because it's a...
Like Bruce Willis, when he did Sixth Sense, he just took points.
He didn't take any money.
So he made like hundreds of millions of dollars on the books.
So when these movies...
Once you break your budget, once you break 30 million...
All of a sudden, all that money starts flowing into the studios and the networks, or the studios and the production companies, and they're like, fuck, let's do that again.
And then we'll sell it to the streamer, and we'll make our money back, and then we'll make it then some, and we're making more money.
And the streamers are there.
I was partying with our boy the other night.
He was like, let's do great in the movie theaters.
Then come to us and do even better, because people are watching on repeat, but it's got to do good in the movie theaters.
Movies are dying.
People aren't going out to movies.
They're only going out for the Avengers.
That's it right now.
joe rogan
We really are a Bill Hicks joke.
bert kreischer
We really are a Bill Hicks joke.
We've turned into Bill Hicks.
unidentified
It sounds like a Bill Hicks joke.
joe rogan
The only movie people go see is the Avengers.
bert kreischer
It's the truth!
It does.
joe rogan
Doesn't that sound like a Hicks joke?
bert kreischer
And these fucking movies, if they do well in the theaters and all of a sudden these dudes who are running these studios that have the access to the big pockets that go, I'm telling you right now, the machine does well, I can guarantee you two things.
Mark my fucking words.
Machine does well, fat astronauts gets greenlit on Monday, and Tim Dillon's project gets greenlit on Tuesday.
I can promise you that.
Tim Dillon is the hottest fucking commodity in Hollywood right now.
joe rogan
If I started gambling on this, would this be insider trading?
bert kreischer
It should be.
Tim Dillon is the hottest commodity in Hollywood.
Everyone fucking loves that guy.
And they're afraid to say it out loud.
joe rogan
Ahh, because he's problematic.
He's a right winger.
bert kreischer
Who knows what he's gonna do?
joe rogan
Crazy gay right winger.
bert kreischer
Everyone loves Tim Dillon.
Shane Gillis.
I was sitting in a tent in Serbia with Legendary watching fucking Gillian Keeves.
We're crying laughing.
That's your next movie star.
Shane Gillis is the best actor out of all of us.
Out of all of us, the best comedic actor around.
You don't need to put him in an action comedy.
You go, Shane Gillis, what do you want to do?
His movie will be the biggest summer blockbuster of the fucking year.
Mark my goddamn fucking words.
But they've got to trust that they can make their money back.
And it's got to be made in the theaters.
joe rogan
I really don't like business talk, but I hear what you're saying.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
It's like, I get their point too.
bert kreischer
I do.
It's your money.
joe rogan
I mean, superhero movies is the easiest.
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Right?
They always win.
bert kreischer
I mean, when we started podcasting, we were like, yeah, keep it small.
Let's make our money back.
And then guys like you started going, I see the guys like, people like Spotify are like, I see the profit margin in this.
Let's roll the dice.
Now, granted, you're the same as me, a little bit...
Chansey, say some fucked up shit every now and then, who knows where we're going?
You get a company like Spotify or a company like Netflix who stands behind what you say, and they go, we support free speech.
You just gotta let them know, because they do that because the money's coming in.
The studios haven't seen the money come in yet.
The studios need to be convinced the same way Netflix and Spotify have been convinced that free speech and comics talking wild and doing wild shit is profitable and that our fans right here will go out to the movie theaters and then all of a sudden I'm telling you it's a game changer.
joe rogan
I bet it can happen.
It really can.
And in that sense, a lot of times, if people like it, but the critics hate it, if certain critics hate it, it actually is better.
Because it makes people distrust critics even more.
bert kreischer
Oh, critics want to hate stuff.
I haven't read one thing about The Machine at all.
I won't.
joe rogan
I mean, there's critics that love certain films, but...
bert kreischer
They hated Ace Ventura.
They hated...
Really?
I think they hated one now.
Siskel and Ebert, they didn't hate it for the right reasons.
They hated Ace Ventura.
They trashed it.
They trashed it.
joe rogan
Well, I mean, it wasn't the best movie in the world.
If you go back and watch it, it's not the best movie in the world.
bert kreischer
It was pretty fucking great.
joe rogan
It's okay.
I mean, I don't know.
It's hard watching old comedies.
Like, you try to watch Porky's?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's a big old rape pest.
What the fuck?
bert kreischer
Then you look at Stepbrothers, Stepbrothers.
joe rogan
Is there, should I leave that in, that Porky's as well?
jamie vernon
No, I mean, I've watched, I have a VHS tape of it airing on public, normal TV, like NBC late at night, and they have all the bad shit edited out.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
jamie vernon
It's just the nudity's edited out, so the rest of it's like, holy shit.
Oh, that's it?
Yeah, it was from the 90s.
joe rogan
That was a crazy movie, right?
unidentified
What happened in that movie?
bert kreischer
The dude put his dick in a hole through the girls' locker room like, someone jack me off.
joe rogan
Jesus Christ.
jamie vernon
And the teacher comes and grabs it.
joe rogan
Oh my God, that's right.
jamie vernon
The teacher grabs it.
joe rogan
Bro, why was that okay then?
Like, why were these movies okay?
bert kreischer
I don't know.
unidentified
But think about how much culture- Let Andrew Schultz make a movie and I bet it's gonna be like that!
bert kreischer
You give Henry Schultz fucking 30 million dollars, that movie's gonna be fucking insane!
joe rogan
Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?
bert kreischer
That's the truth, man.
We proved it in podcasting.
We did.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
We proved it on the internet.
I mean, look at how many guys, look at what, you know what Gillian Keeves did offline, like, when he released it, when they released it to the fan base, said, hey, here, pay this.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
Did fucking bananas numbers.
Bananas.
joe rogan
I'm sure.
bert kreischer
People want- Shane Gillis is a gangster.
People forget that he's a fucking businessman too.
He is a gangster.
I will get into the weeds about this all day long privately.
Privately.
unidentified
We'll talk later.
bert kreischer
But like, they did great money and then they were like, oh cool, you get to make a cool thing and our fans love it.
That's all people got to know in Hollywood.
joe rogan
That's what Louis C.K.'s doing.
Perfect example.
bert kreischer
Exactly.
joe rogan
Selling all of it on his website, putting all his movies there, his television show.
bert kreischer
Bobby Kelly's special did fantastic.
Joe List's movie did fantastic.
He's putting money out.
Louis is...
Sony or Legendary.
He's just doing it all in-house and going like, I hire all the people.
I got a line producer.
Let's just make it.
We'll sell it direct to consumer.
joe rogan
And it can just continue to grow.
There's no ceiling on the potential for more people to find out about what he's doing online.
bert kreischer
Louis?
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
Oh, he's...
I mean, he's...
joe rogan
That's very interesting.
bert kreischer
He's like you.
You know, he's been good for comedy.
joe rogan
Yeah.
bert kreischer
He's been good for comedy.
joe rogan
You know, he helped me a lot with the design of the place.
bert kreischer
No.
unidentified
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
I took a couple pieces of advice from him.
It was very good advice.
In the smaller room, the stage was too large.
He's like, why is the stage so big?
I'm like, why is the stage so big?
He goes, I think the stage should be about four feet shorter on each side.
And I was like, we could do that.
Okay.
And he's like, in the ceiling, can you make it lower?
And I'm like, yeah, we can make it lower.
It was already low.
bert kreischer
It's a great fucking room.
joe rogan
How low is that ceiling?
bert kreischer
It's pretty fucking low.
It feels good.
joe rogan
Doesn't it feel...
You're like intimate.
It's boxed in with those folks.
bert kreischer
It reminds you of the old school New York days where you could put your hand on the ceiling.
joe rogan
Yeah, those kind of clubs.
So he had that.
That was his suggestion there.
To make the stage smaller in the little room and make the ceiling even lower.
So we did that.
And then in the next room, the ceiling.
We lowered the ceiling.
That was his other suggestion too.
And then he had some good suggestions about soundproofing.
Because I think a lot of comedians, they like the sound of the echo, because it makes laughs louder.
But it also makes it more difficult to people to understand what you're saying.
It's harder, because it's echoey.
Like in the Vulcan, it was a little echoey.
It was great when you were killing, because the laughs were so loud.
Some parts of the room, when you're getting sound bouncing off of a bunch of shit, you miss subtle things.
You miss certain things.
So he was like, you know, you gotta make sure that everything's soft and the sound is like, everything's soundproofed.
bert kreischer
We did that when this last tour we were doing arenas and I upgraded my package to have like a legit lighting package and legit sound brought in.
And it changed those arenas.
It's a game changer.
I remember saying as the first person that did it, I go, you're going to fall in love with the sound of this.
It's not just you set up an arena and it's whatever sound they have.
It's like they do this whole presentation before to dial in the exact sound points.
And it sounds like you're in a comedy club.
joe rogan
So is this worth it to you to do because you're doing so many shows?
So it's easy.
Just they come with you.
They travel with you.
bert kreischer
Yeah, I pay 1.7.
No, I like this.
I like this.
I like the insides of baseball.
Yeah.
unidentified
Okay.
bert kreischer
Pay 1.7 for a lighting package and a team.
unidentified
Okay.
bert kreischer
And so it comes with like a, it's an all-over budget, and you bring your own stage with you.
I told Shane and Mark we did whatever, the arena in Tempe for the Super Bowl.
We did four shows.
And I said, and I paid extra to bring the sound package out.
I wanted them to experience it.
Shane Gillis is the person I told him.
I said, you're gonna, because he was nervous about doing arenas, because he had done arenas and they sound echoey.
I said, wait till you hear my sound package.
Wait till you see my, like, my lighting package, all of it.
You're gonna really love it.
Because I paid extra for it.
I want the show to feel, I want you to, if you're paying to see me in an arena, I want you to know that I am appreciative of that dollar and I'm gonna put money back into the show.
I'm not gonna just do some cash grab.
joe rogan
Cut to Burt's doing a show by candlelight.
bert kreischer
Louie said that.
joe rogan
I would like to do that.
Do you know how dope that would be?
Candlelight Cho?
bert kreischer
That would be...
joe rogan
Trust the audience with candles.
bert kreischer
Cho.
joe rogan
Isn't it weird that anybody could just buy a lighter?
unidentified
It's kind of crazy how few fires really are.
joe rogan
People are so stupid.
I think about that all the time.
I think about how few car accidents there are.
People are so goofy.
It's kind of amazing that most days you don't see fire.
bert kreischer
Look at this lighting package.
joe rogan
Wow, dude.
That's pretty amazing.
bert kreischer
Oh, you should see me walk out on stage, man.
joe rogan
Look at you.
bert kreischer
I paid extra money so that my entrance has a little bit of sparkle, a little bit of razzle-dazzle to it.
joe rogan
A little bit of razzle-dazzle.
bert kreischer
A little bit of razzle-dazzle.
And I think it pays off.
I think as an audience member, you appreciate it.
joe rogan
For sure.
bert kreischer
But you're right.
The sound is so important.
joe rogan
It sounds everything.
So for this club, we made sure everything's done.
bert kreischer
My only note.
joe rogan
Please.
bert kreischer
If you're gonna have Joey Diaz's weed around, you gotta take that clock off the little boy.
I was on stage last night.
I got high with you right before I went on stage on the late show.
I never get high before I go on stage.
I have, but I don't usually, because I'm afraid of, like...
joe rogan
Rightly so.
bert kreischer
And, uh...
I was riffing and fucking rolling and I was like, nice!
And I looked up and the clock was at four minutes.
And I went, I've only done four minutes.
joe rogan
How long did you think you were on for?
bert kreischer
I thought I was on for 30 minutes.
And I was like, oh, we need to move that clock.
And then I said, I kept messing around and I looked and it was four minutes and 40 seconds.
And I was like, oh God, someone needs to close the clock.
joe rogan
So you started freaking out thinking about it.
bert kreischer
Because you know how sometimes you get high, time goes a little slower?
joe rogan
Yes.
bert kreischer
And I was like, oh my god, I'm in my head.
And then I just, I knew Leanne was in the room.
I knew I could fuck with her if I needed to, and I could get myself out of anything.
joe rogan
Right.
bert kreischer
And I was like, just enjoy this.
Enjoy this.
Let your brain think weird and talk weird.
And I saw the chick in the front row had a weird purse that the same person next to him had.
And I went, oh, their phones are locked up.
I can say whatever the fuck I want.
joe rogan
Oh, you didn't know?
bert kreischer
I didn't know.
And I fucking started going like...
And I had, last night, my second show was one of the best shows I've had, definitely in 2023, without a doubt.
And I would argue, other than when I did The Other Room, which was a fucking really magic show.
That was a fucking magic show.
That might have been the best time I've ever had on stage last night.
I fixed two jokes I've always wanted to tell.
I always want to tell.
Watching a dude get struck by lightning and beating any Asian in a foot race.
I did both those jokes and they worked.
And I walked out and I was like, God damn it, that room's special.
I'm back Monday to do Tommy.
We're doing Two Bears, Monday and Tuesday.
And I was in the shower and I was like, I want to do Little Boy again.
If they're open Monday, I want to do Little Boy.
That was a fun fucking room.
joe rogan
It's a fun fucking room.
Monday is an open mic night.
Yeah.
You know, we can figure out anything.
But there's a weird vibe of the place.
The place has a vibe.
Because there's so many like-minded people that are in there that are really just trying to get better at comedy.
There's so many of them.
It's like there's a vibe in the building.
The audience is so appreciative.
They're real comedy fans.
bert kreischer
Oh, dude.
The guy last night...
joe rogan
It's incredible.
bert kreischer
I said, I'm back Monday.
And this dude just goes, Texas loves you, Bert.
And you're like...
Oh, man.
That's what you want to hear in life.
Why wouldn't you want to hear that?
joe rogan
Why wouldn't you want to hear that?
bert kreischer
Yeah.
joe rogan
Texas loves you, Burt.
Let's wrap this bitch up.
I love you, buddy.
I love you, too.
Congratulations.
I know it's going to be the number one movie in America, or we're all communists.
bert kreischer
From your mouth to God's ears.
joe rogan
Literally.
Okay.
Anything else?
BurtBurtBurt.com, or is it BurtKreischer.com?
bert kreischer
BurtBurtBurt.com.
Buy tickets to go see The Machine this weekend.
joe rogan
Go buy.
bert kreischer
I love you with all my heart.
joe rogan
Go.
Go see it.
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