May 26, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:32:35
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Burp. | ||
| Damn, that's thick. | ||
| That's a Lizzo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We just passed him. | |
| You're not taking it? | ||
| That's Joey Diaz, laughing gas weed. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You both pussyed out. | ||
| You called him a pussy, and then you pounced him. | ||
| Yeah, I was joking. | ||
| I was never going to smoke that. | ||
| Yeah, let's smoke. | ||
| I'll be out of the table. | ||
| You're smoking, you coward. | ||
| I was already smoking it. | ||
| I just bullied you into smoking it. | ||
| You can't bully me when I'm already doing it. | ||
| He's bullying and he's not doing it. | ||
| He bullied him and he didn't do it. | ||
| Shane is the king of that. | ||
| Here's my only impression of Shane. | ||
| You won't. | ||
| Yeah, you won't do that. | ||
| Whatever's brought up, you won't. | ||
| You have my favorite childish humor. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| And it works, too. | ||
| It's very fun to be childish. | ||
| You won't do that, dude. | ||
| It's very fun to be childish. | ||
| He's dumb. | ||
| He's like, give me that shit! | ||
| I'll do it right now! | ||
| I'll cut myself. | ||
| Well, he's jet-lagged. | ||
| He came from another country. | ||
| I can't believe you're doing this. | ||
| He had a day to rest. | ||
| Yeah, I had Athens. | ||
| Fucking five hours. | ||
| Did you go see the Acropolis? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Wow, shit, huh? | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| What's Acropolis? | ||
| It's like a bunch of fucking rubble. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| The Acropolis is the base. | ||
| The Parthenon is the building, correct? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Dude, I tell you, I looked up that a bunch of times when I was there, and I still don't know. | ||
| Nobody knows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| Yeah, the Acropolis is the building. | ||
| The Parthenon is what it's built on. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| The Greeks were gay. | ||
| Greeks were gay. | ||
| Okay, the Acropolis of Athens is an ancient citadel located on a rocky outcrop. | ||
| Wait a minute, which one is the Acropolis and which one is the Parthenon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that... | |
| Oh yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I think the Acropolis is the building, and the Parthenon is what it's built on. | ||
| The most famous thing. | ||
| The Acropolis is, I think, the entire thing, and the Parthenon is one of the buildings as a part of it. | ||
| But what's the structure that it sits on? | ||
| What's the Parthenon? | ||
| Yeah, Google that. | ||
| I'm pretty sure the Par... | ||
| One of them... | ||
| That's that one. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's under construction now. | ||
| So the Parthenon is the building, the Acropolis... | ||
| Build it back up, they realize it wasn't finished. | ||
| There's scaffolding everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The roof fell off. | ||
| How about that Stamos? | ||
| The centerpiece. | ||
| The fixer-upper, for sure. | ||
| So, okay. | ||
| The Parthenon is a former temple of the Athenian necropolis, Greece, that was dedicated to the goddess Athena during the 5th century BC. All those people were tripping balls, you know. | ||
| Goddess of beauty. | ||
| Yeah, there's a great book on it. | ||
| The Immortality Key by this guy Brian Mororescu. | ||
| It actually opened up a field of study at Harvard. | ||
| This guy wrote a book about how they always suspected that their wine was laced with something, but then they got definitive proof because they found old vessels, and they tested these vessels, and they found ergot in them, which is a fungus that has LSD-like effects. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So they made up that they were gods? | ||
| Dude, that must have fucked them up. | ||
| That's where they came up with everything. | ||
| That's where they came up with democracy. | ||
| They came up with so much from tripping balls. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| He hit this rock and it became a spring. | ||
| Tripping balls. | ||
| To fight him, he hit a rock and it became a tree. | ||
| All those old people were tripping balls. | ||
| And what they were doing was hiding it from the Romans. | ||
| And they had to move away. | ||
| They started going into other countries when they got kicked out of Greece. | ||
| They moved the Eleusinian mysteries all over the world. | ||
| The what mysteries? | ||
| Eleusis. | ||
| Eleusinian mysteries. | ||
| All the zoo stuff? | ||
| All the fucking, all the trip ball stuff. | ||
| People like scholars from all over the world would go there and participate in these rituals. | ||
| And they would just trip their fucking brains out and figure things out. | ||
| How about those grape leaves? | ||
| I don't think that had anything to do with it. | ||
| Those are just leaves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're not great. | ||
| They're not great. | ||
| Overrated. | ||
| Ray overrated. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You get a dip in tzatziki to make it even edible. | ||
| They're pretty bland. | ||
| Yeah, they got the same food as Middle Eastern. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of pita, kebab, hummus. | |
| Fucking delicious. | ||
| Or as David Tell calls it, terrorist peanut butter. | ||
| His joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So did you have fun? | ||
| Oh, it was a blast. | ||
| Did you have a good time? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Athens is a cool city. | ||
| Did you get away from the tourist? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you get to hike? | |
| I did get to walk and hike. | ||
| Yeah, it's a big national park in the middle. | ||
| It's like Central Park. | ||
| You walk through it at night. | ||
| Yeah, a park's a park, though. | ||
| Looking for rapists, what? | ||
| You like to hike? | ||
| I don't know why I don't like hikes. | ||
| Did you protect those parks in Athens? | ||
| People have asked me about the parks. | ||
| Yeah, everyone you try to protect goes away. | ||
| I saw one somewhere, like, have you protected any parks lately? | ||
| And I was like, no, I've only failed in protecting any parks. | ||
| We've only tried one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Utter failure. | ||
| But sometimes it's your first time trying to protect a park. | ||
| True. | ||
| Why do you like parks? | ||
| Your third joyous place? | ||
| He's a city dork. | ||
| It's the only nature he gets. | ||
| They stink. | ||
| It's the only nature he's allowed. | ||
| I took my nephew to a park. | ||
| I just looked like a fucking pedophile the whole time. | ||
| Even with a little tiny park. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With a swing set. | ||
| Yeah, I just took a little park. | ||
| I was just yelling at him. | ||
| You're not allowed to go without a kid. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of these places. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| Going to a park and just watching kids. | ||
| Boy, I love watching kids interact. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| You can't, you can't. | ||
| So innocent. | ||
| You have to go with your own kid. | ||
| Dog parks, you can't enjoy. | ||
| Dog parks, you can't go in without a dog. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| You probably can. | ||
| No. | ||
| They won't stop you, but the rule is you can't go in without a dog. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Is it the rule? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it written? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's written, so it's told. | ||
| It is written. | ||
| That's the only way I know it. | ||
| My niece's nephews are black, and my dad took them to the park by himself. | ||
| My niece was on the swings, and she was like, slap me, pappy, slap it. | ||
| He was down there pushing her ass. | ||
| Pretty funny, right? | ||
| People are looking at it like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| Slap me, Pappy. | ||
| Yeah, she's like, slap it, Pappy. | ||
| He's like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I can see there's a playground outside my apartment, and a mom was on her phone the whole time pushing this kid on a swing. | ||
| It killed me. | ||
| Could so easily steal a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| They're all so distracted. | ||
| Now's the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend almost got his kid stolen from a park. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He noticed at the last minute that someone was calling his kid towards a truck. | ||
| Brian Laundrie. | ||
| And he stopped it. | ||
| He ran out and stopped it. | ||
| But I think he was just not paying attention for a brief period of time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| And somebody tried to steal his kid. | ||
| I got a hit on my pedophile as a youth. | ||
| The thing is, it does happen. | ||
| It sounds so insane, but it actually does happen. | ||
| People steal children. | ||
| Because that kid will forget. | ||
| This might be crazy enough to work. | ||
| That kid will forget. | ||
| Jesus Christ, what a horrible thought. | ||
| Remember milk carton kids? | ||
| That was a big thing. | ||
| I think a lot of them are stolen by the parent. | ||
| That's almost all the stats of abducted kids are just the dads. | ||
| People use their kids as leverage to get back at the spouse. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| You know, like the husband and the wife get divorced, and the wife won't let the husband see the kid, and he yells at her, I want my fucking kids. | ||
| You won't let that whore in the house with her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| That would be nice, getting so, like, hammered, just going to your fucking ex-wife's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to see my fucking son, you bitch. | |
| Daddy, no! | ||
| There's a horrible video of a guy getting shot doing that. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| What? | ||
| He goes to the house where his kid lives, and there's a guy there, and the guy and the wife are there, and he's yelling, and the guy's getting, get off my fucking property, and the guy's a big guy, and he gets in his face, and the guy goes and gets an AR, and they struggle with the AR. No! | ||
| They struggle with the gun briefly, and then the guy lights him up. | ||
| That's a good dad. | ||
| And he lights him up in front of the guy's mom, who's also there. | ||
| Wait, who shot who? | ||
| The biological father got shot by the stepdad? | ||
| Yes, the stepdad. | ||
| Stepdad, who's a smaller guy. | ||
| The biological dad's a big guy. | ||
| Why would you get close enough with an AR for some other guy to grab it? | ||
| I think he was just trying to threaten him. | ||
| Like, if he pulled out a gun, the guy would be like, that's it. | ||
| Okay, you got a gun. | ||
| I'm gonna leave now. | ||
| But this guy was an idiot. | ||
| I've seen quite a few of those. | ||
| People get nutty, and they don't understand risk, and they don't understand danger, even just with fights, when they get in people's face. | ||
| Yeah, man, fuck you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, fuck you! | |
| Yeah, do something, man. | ||
| You literally don't know how to fight, and you're about to engage in one of the most dangerous things that people can do other than using weapons. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Happens all the time. | ||
| But I saw a video the other day of this guy. | ||
| They're in front of like a truck. | ||
| And this guy's yelling at this guy, come on pussy, fight like a man. | ||
| I saw that one. | ||
| He takes his shirt off and the guy just shoots him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Oh, I didn't see that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| I didn't see that one at all. | ||
| The guy just shoots him. | ||
| The guy's got a gun out. | ||
| The guy's got a gun out and he's like, stop. | ||
| And the guy's like, come on pussy. | ||
| He takes his shirt off while the guy has a gun out. | ||
| Who's the machine? | ||
| And he comes towards him and he just, boom. | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The guy goes down screaming. | ||
| The guy died. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Indiana Jones. | ||
| It was just like enough. | ||
| Oh, Indiana Jones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What, did he have a whip or something? | ||
| No, he had like a sword. | ||
| Yeah, he had a sword. | ||
| You know, that was like a supposedly like, no, it wasn't supposed to happen. | ||
| Adlib? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| He was high all the time. | ||
| Harrison Ford, he gets high all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was he? | |
| No. | ||
| I don't know about then, but now he's just high all day. | ||
| He's really depressed. | ||
| I think when you get older, that's the move. | ||
| You can't control this world. | ||
| He knows what he does. | ||
| It's so out of control and it's so not what you grew up with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, what? | |
| What's the kids these days? | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| You're changing genders. | ||
| Just get high. | ||
| Just get high and just go through life spaced out. | ||
| Indiana stoned. | ||
| Oh, there we go. | ||
| His alternative pastime. | ||
| His wife is hideous. | ||
| Hey, how dare you? | ||
| That's not his wife, that's Chewbacca, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's got that gay earring, too, still. | ||
| So he's a lifelong stoner? | ||
| Is that what it says? | ||
| You ever see Scrape take that kid, steal that kid? | ||
| Scrape? | ||
| This guy scraped. | ||
| They shot a video. | ||
| They just, like, distracted someone and grabbed their kid. | ||
| And they go, no, no, I'm just kidding. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| They gave the kid back. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What was funny? | ||
| What? | ||
| What was funny? | ||
| That they stole the kid, and the parents are freaking out, and they're like, no, I'm kidding. | ||
| Ari always wanted to be stolen when he was a child. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Went to you in, like, a shitty cult? | ||
| I wanted to go to a Christian family. | ||
| It's called Jewish. | ||
| Have you ever heard Metzger talk about his cult life? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Yeah, Jehovah. | ||
| Wild shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It explains a lot. | ||
| Wild shit. | ||
| Well, it explains a lot how he won't tolerate any bullshit. | ||
| He hates religion. | ||
| He'll call me sometimes, like, what about Abel? | ||
| What about Abel? | ||
| I'm like, alright, let's go. | ||
| He knows I know enough. | ||
| He will rant. | ||
| You send a text to Massacre, be prepared for a fucking scroll. | ||
| 17 straight. | ||
| But anytime there's some fucking fuckery, some shenanigans with words, some weird thing they're trying to pull on you, Metzger gets furious. | ||
| Because he grew up in a cult. | ||
| So he's like, I know what the fuck this is. | ||
| I can't notice this? | ||
| I can't pay attention to this? | ||
| If I talk about this, I'm a bad guy? | ||
| That's his joke. | ||
| He goes, they told you you can't masturbate. | ||
| Do you know what would happen to you if you don't masturbate? | ||
| No one does, because everyone masturbates, including the people who told us you can't masturbate. | ||
| I just watched a cult documentary, that Korean guy. | ||
| You see that one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jamie, you see that one? | ||
| It's like in the name of the Holy Father or something. | ||
| Pull it up, Korean cult. | ||
| This Korean dude just started a cult, but one of his things was... | ||
| North or south? | ||
| He made everybody south. | ||
| Watch him. | ||
| He would play soccer in the cult, and he would score like 70 goals. | ||
| He said he was God. | ||
| He fucked everybody. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Of course he fucked everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he was fucking everybody. | |
| It always goes to fucking. | ||
| And they always fall for it. | ||
| No, I'm talking about everybody. | ||
| Dude, my favorite cult movie is the movie about the building I bought. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| It's a fucking amazing cult documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Who, huh? | ||
| Do you know the story? | ||
| No. | ||
| The building that I bought originally for the mothership was a place called the One World Theater. | ||
| And that One World Theater was built by a cult so that their leader could dance in front of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Literally. | |
| Wow. | ||
| They put on these performances. | ||
| They documented it all. | ||
| This guy filmed everything. | ||
| And this crazy dude who was a gay porn star. | ||
| He looks so gay. | ||
| He's so gay. | ||
| But that's his older self. | ||
| He's already getting old then. | ||
| If you see the videos of him when he was young, he was a beautiful man. | ||
| He was this really gorgeous, ripped yoga instructor. | ||
| And he started this cult in West Hollywood called the Buddha Field. | ||
| And then they moved it out to Austin. | ||
| Let me see the penises. | ||
| They wouldn't let that lady get close. | ||
| Like, you'd be lower. | ||
| It's like a fucking Bud Light commercial. | ||
| He had all these boys with him, and he fucked all of them. | ||
| He's not gay? | ||
| Oh, he's gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was a gay porn star, but he had girls in there too. | |
| I think girls is how he got straight guys to come to the cult. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Because he fucked all the straight guys. | ||
| Ladies night. | ||
| Were he convinced them? | ||
| No, he went to his nipples. | ||
| You should watch the documentary. | ||
| He gave them therapy. | ||
| He was a hypnotist. | ||
| He was a hypnotist. | ||
| So he gave them therapy and then he'd fuck them. | ||
| And he charged them for the therapy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Charged them 50 bucks. | ||
| And he owned the mothership. | ||
| No, he owned the One World Theater. | ||
| I see. | ||
| The people that I was buying it from were people that used to be in the cult. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got it. | |
| Now they owned it. | ||
| But that was the original location for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| I gotta support these dudes. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I was watching that Korean guy and I was like, this guy, fuck it. | ||
| He had 900 women as cheerleaders. | ||
| The stadium would be packed and he'd score 80 goals. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| And people were like, we gotta arrest this son of a bitch. | ||
| I was like, dude, this guy's dominating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He rules. | |
| He rules. | ||
| Did they kill him? | ||
| Did you see the guy in Australia? | ||
| No, hold on. | ||
| They captured him at the end. | ||
| He's in a tent with two girls. | ||
| And they, like, live camera. | ||
| They're like, what are you doing back here? | ||
| He's got a boner. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Stay out. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| That's how they got him? | ||
| Yeah, they got him with a boner. | ||
| Boy, it goes from 90 goals scoring to being in a tent with two girls. | ||
| The last scragglers. | ||
| The last ones. | ||
| Yeah, it was tough. | ||
| Still having a fucking three-way in a tent. | ||
| Sweaty. | ||
| That's pretty awesome. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Which he dominated. | ||
| That's an MVP performance. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You gotta see his soccer eyes. | ||
| They would line up like 15 people in the goal. | ||
| He'd be like, I can still score on them. | ||
| They would all like get out of the way. | ||
| Isn't it wild that everybody knows about cults, but yet people can still form cults and get people to join them? | ||
| I want to go in for a week and just see if they'd get me. | ||
| Knowing, to any cult, just knowing, I'm like, I know what this is, but let me see if they get me. | ||
| You escaped Judaism. | ||
| Cut to you getting fucked in the ass. | ||
| Like two days later, it happened quick, man. | ||
| They made some good points. | ||
| You were like a serious Orthodox Jew. | ||
| If you got out of that. | ||
| That's a cult. | ||
| Which is like a respected cult. | ||
| It's a respected one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cult 45. I was in for a while. | |
| I might get out of this, too. | ||
| Indianapolis cult? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They hit you with a low-protein diet? | |
| Well, that's the question of when does it become a cult? | ||
| Is Christianity a cult? | ||
| Is Catholicism a cult? | ||
| Oh, they're all cults. | ||
| Yeah, if you want to look at the technical term. | ||
| What makes a cult versus religion? | ||
| You're not watching some Korean guy fuck everybody and score 70 goals. | ||
| Those are the religions of the cult. | ||
| But that's why they didn't last. | ||
| They went too hard. | ||
| Tell that to the Catholics. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's a good cult. | ||
| They figured it out. | ||
| Good marketing. | ||
| They figured out how to make the Vatican a country. | ||
| It's the wildest shit ever. | ||
| You got a hundred acre country in the middle of your city. | ||
| It's very nice. | ||
| The difference between a cult and a religion is the same difference between a town and a city. | ||
| Well, the cult is the people that can't keep it together and the guy fucks everyone's wife. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The religions, they just- Too early. | ||
| Fuck your kids, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, how many preachers are banging people's wives? | ||
| So many. | ||
| I forget about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| We had a guy in a community who said the girls had to do a ritual bath to get clean. | ||
| He fucking peeped a hole and videotaped him. | ||
| There's a ritual bath? | ||
| Yeah, there's a ritual bath. | ||
| To get clean? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| To get clean? | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yikes. | |
| That's what I was skipping over. | ||
| Those New York Jews gotta take a couple more ritual baths, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| They're slacking, dude. | ||
| They don't wash our clothes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think Joel Osteen's fucking mom's Oh, good question. | |
| I bet he is. | ||
| Because you know he could. | ||
| So knowing he could and knowing what you know about men. | ||
| But he might be gay. | ||
| But the amount of women that must throw themselves at him because he's a superstar and he's a man of God. | ||
| Is there any hotter sex than religious sex? | ||
| Father, really hot believer. | ||
| But if you can't get her off, that's a letdown. | ||
| No, it's like you sinned. | ||
| God, you sinned. | ||
| That's why you didn't get her off. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| God would have let you. | ||
| He puts it on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What have you done wrong this week? | ||
| Ta doesn't let me eat pussy. | ||
| I'm on a strict diet this week, and you stink. | ||
| There's something about a crazy hot believer. | ||
| You both believe in the same nonsense. | ||
| She's crazy hot, and you're just like, Jesus wants me to suck your cock. | ||
| So hot. | ||
| I agree with Jesus. | ||
| Jesus told you that? | ||
| Well, I can't argue with Jesus. | ||
| You talk to God? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God's given me an exception. | ||
| Imagine God just tests you with an exception. | ||
| I'm going to put it in God's hole. | ||
| That's what we used to do in Catholic school, the old anal. | ||
| But God's hole, yeah. | ||
| Doesn't count. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those Catholic gals. | ||
| That is so wild that someone found that fucking workaround. | ||
| The wildest was the Mormons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just guys trying to fuck Catholic chicks. | |
| Catholic chicks trying to get fucked, and they're like, this has got to be something we can work out here. | ||
| The Mormons are the docking. | ||
| That's the best one. | ||
| Stick it in, then leave it in. | ||
| Docking is way better. | ||
| Docking is foreskin. | ||
| We lock foreskin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder who gets to choose who's the top foreskin. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| You should rock, paper, scissors for that. | ||
| Sword fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd rather be the small spoon. | |
| He'd rather be inside. | ||
| It feels better. | ||
| Oh, you want to be inside. | ||
| Yeah, it would feel better. | ||
| It's more dominant. | ||
| Yeah, why would you what? | ||
| It's more dominant to have your skin around it, dude. | ||
| It is more dominant. | ||
| I'm talking strictly the feel. | ||
| But it's also so ridiculous, like, go ahead, do that, you fucking world. | ||
| And then you just stand and stare at each other. | ||
| What are you doing, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm fucking your dick. | ||
| You're not wrapping your dick around my dick. | ||
| No, I'm sucking in your dick. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm fucking your dick. | ||
| Oh, I don't know, man. | ||
| I think I'm sucking in your dick. | ||
| You might be sucking my dick, but I'm fucking your dick. | ||
| I'm definitely sucking your dick. | ||
| Well, it's like when I fuck your mouth. | ||
| You might be sucking my dick, but I'm fucking your mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Look at that clip. | ||
| The worst part about docking is it's got to be face to face. | ||
| Face to face is great. | ||
| You mean the best part? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You go like this. | ||
| Dan Henderson, you know Dan Henderson, fucking one of the elite MMA fighters of all time. | ||
| He was at my show in New York City once. | ||
| He likes docking? | ||
| This hacker was talking. | ||
| I said to the hacker, hey, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to have Dan Henderson hold you down and fuck your girl right in front of you. | ||
| And Dan Henderson goes, why would I hold him down when I could just stare him down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| I remember that. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| There was like a chill in the room. | ||
| Like, oh, you could. | ||
| It was so real. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| If a guy took one step forward, like, hey, stop fucking my wife. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Fucker. | ||
| Dan Henderson's a fucking animal. | ||
| Just the fact that he could come up with that on the fly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He thinks like that. | ||
| He said that before. | ||
| Why would I hold him down when I could just stare him down? | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The wife is like, all right, let's do this. | |
| It was a joke. | ||
| Was the heckler even that bad? | ||
| Because he was out of control. | ||
| The guy was out of control. | ||
| His wife was out of control. | ||
| They were both out of control. | ||
| Caroline's, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wow, Caroline's. | ||
| You get some rough hecklers in there. | ||
| I think a brawl broke out that night. | ||
| Or maybe the next day. | ||
| They were throwing chairs. | ||
| Yeah, I think it was the next day. | ||
| Throwing chairs. | ||
| Yeah, like a full brawl. | ||
| Bro, how many shows have we done together? | ||
| A bunch. | ||
| Fucking thousands? | ||
| Yeah, thousands. | ||
| We've done so many shows together all over the fucking country. | ||
| All over the world. | ||
| Those shows were right after Baby Bird. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Stern Complain got it taken down off YouTube. | ||
| What? | ||
| Stern Complain? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Not Stern, but their group was like, take that shit down, because they didn't want them succeeding. | ||
| And then they were like, this happens all the time, we'll just have to file a thing and it'll get put back up. | ||
| So they were saying that it was offensive? | ||
| That's how they get it taken out? | ||
| Something. | ||
| Maybe they were the ones, they were like, no, we're the edgy. | ||
| We should say that it was, we know that's true. | ||
| We need to find out, because that's like such a fucking egregious, evil thing to do, if you're in that business. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like say something's offensive. | ||
| Or like saying Don Imus went too far? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He got fucked. | ||
| Like I sucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He'd be like, I'm the offensive one, no one else. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, when he silenced Opie and Anthony, he wouldn't let them talk shit about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, he was talking shit about them. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| I'll use any tool against my enemies. | ||
| Don't you stand for anything though? | ||
| You're a fucking radio guy? | ||
| I think that guy was alone on the front line for so long. | ||
| Imagine if it's World War II and it's just you against the Japanese and you're on this fucking island just killing people every day for like A decade and a half. | ||
| And then new people come up and they're like, why should you have my back? | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| I needed you. | ||
| This is my fight. | ||
| True. | ||
| I heard people had to avert their eyes when you came in. | ||
| I don't think that's probably true. | ||
| Not true. | ||
| Like Don? | ||
| See, I think that's, I think that is people that work for him, tell him, don't look at him, don't talk to him. | ||
| And so he probably doesn't even know that they're doing that. | ||
| I know that happens with some stars. | ||
| I know that happens. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| J-Lo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No eye contact. | |
| We did a commercial with Tiger Woods. | ||
| They're like, don't curse around him. | ||
| This was before the scandals. | ||
| Like, don't curse around him. | ||
| Don't do anything. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| And he comes in and goes, you guys ready to do this shit? | ||
| And we're like, wait. | ||
| What did you just tell us not to be dirty? | ||
| They're just handlers. | ||
| Just weird people. | ||
| There's weird people that get a kick out of having power over the star. | ||
| They have power to access. | ||
| You can't have access to the star. | ||
| You can't get close to them. | ||
| Weird people at clubs do that. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| That happened to me. | ||
| I did a club in Erie, Pennsylvania. | ||
| And the guy goes, you better be clean, you better be squeaky clean, TV clean. | ||
| I was like, oh shit. | ||
| I was three years in. | ||
| And then the host goes up, who told me that, and he's like, so I was fucking my wife in the ass, I jizzed in her daughter's hair, and I'm like, what the hell? | ||
| Then I went up and I was like, so, uh, cereal's weird. | ||
| And they're like, boo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boo! | |
| Get the host back up! | ||
| Cereal's weird! | ||
| Trying to run a new hour on the fly. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| You're just taking all the fucks out, the jizz out. | ||
| Those were the worst gigs when you had to work clean. | ||
| You had 20 minutes to work clean, so you're stretching out your pits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| You're like, oh, this is a clean bit, and then halfway in, you're like, oh, it does go to anal. | ||
| In the end. | ||
| Damn, fuck, it does go to anal! | ||
| How can I re-aim this? | ||
| I never had to do one. | ||
| A clean show? | ||
| I don't think ever. | ||
| I think I said no every single time. | ||
| They just don't exist anymore. | ||
| I never had to do late night or anything, honestly. | ||
| When I was coming up, it was like, do you want money or not? | ||
| Do you want food or not? | ||
| It's like, if you want to get that hundred bucks, you've got to go do that clean show. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That's a good exercise. | ||
| To think about the language for the first time in your life or in a decade of like, wait, is this dirty? | ||
| Well, it wasn't a decade for me, but it was early days of stand-up like I was 20. And the thing is, back then, they really wanted stand-up to be clean. | ||
| Everybody wanted you to work clean because that's how you got on The Tonight Show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, once Stephen Wright got on The Tonight Show out of Boston, it kind of like changed how everybody thought about comedy. | ||
| Everybody was like, you're going to get on The Tonight Show now. | ||
| Like, you got to work clean. | ||
| If you want to make it, you got to work clean. | ||
| I remember there's a bunch of guys who were just in town who were telling them, if you want to work, you got to work clean. | ||
| Like, you're just here. | ||
| We were talking about it last night. | ||
| That still exists. | ||
| There's still people that are like, I gotta get my stuff together for a late night spot. | ||
| It's like, dude, what? | ||
| Late night's over. | ||
| It's kind of a fun thing to do if you like it. | ||
| No, don't get me wrong. | ||
| It would be cool to do, but I'm saying there's guys that are like, here's my way out. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It doesn't launch anybody anymore. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's worthless. | ||
| Like, if you have a set on The Tonight Show, how many more tickets are you going to sell? | ||
| Yeah, nothing. | ||
| Seinfeld did one like six, seven years ago. | ||
| It was cool to see him put together a late night set. | ||
| Norm's at the end of Letterman's. | ||
| Unreal. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| One of the best. | ||
| What do you think you are, Mars? | ||
| Norm was a master. | ||
| He was a master. | ||
| He was so pure. | ||
| Oh, I teared up at the end of that? | ||
| That gets me. | ||
| That gets me every time. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Whatever happened to that guy? | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| I forgot he vanished. | ||
| Bummer. | ||
| What a gangster way to go out. | ||
| I didn't even know he was sick. | ||
| Gangster way to go out. | ||
| Not telling anybody. | ||
| Blame it all on Adam Egan. | ||
| I know. | ||
| None of his friends knew. | ||
| His biography, the book he wrote, just trashes Adam Egan. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| 200 pages. | ||
| He calls him a Holocaust denier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He calls him a Holocaust denier. | |
| He doesn't mean you can't be a denier. | ||
| The whole book makes it worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| That's what Adam's known for. | ||
| People see him and they're like, are you blowing guys under the bridge? | ||
| That's a fucked up aspect of people. | ||
| You will have some white people who hate white people. | ||
| You will have some Jews who hate Jews. | ||
| You will have some Jews who want to join the Nazi party. | ||
| You will have some black people who hate black people. | ||
| You will have people that will go against their people to be in with the other. | ||
| You will have Jews that will join the Nazis. | ||
| Are you excusing Egon's behavior? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He's a Jew. | ||
| It's a strange thing. | ||
| To be a traitor like that, there's a compelling desire to join the enemy. | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| What if you hate yourself? | ||
| I think that has a lot to do with it. | ||
| That's probably a lot of it. | ||
| But there's always been people that have joined the enemy during times of war. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Benedict Arnold. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Although I heard Benedict Arnold got set up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard Benedict Arnold like it was really another guy who was like the Shane knows about this. | |
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| What happened with Benedict Arnold? | ||
| I just know he... | ||
| He's a traitor. | ||
| He rushed out of West Point while George was there. | ||
| Traitor goes. | ||
| Hamilton, they all chased out. | ||
| I'm sure there's something there. | ||
| But it may be his family that wrote that, you know? | ||
| It's like him and his wife escaped. | ||
| He went to the... | ||
| He was a hero, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a hero. | ||
| He was the captain of the Ford at West Point. | ||
| And, uh, yeah. | ||
| Slept out. | ||
| They said that was the only time they saw George Washington crying. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| He left. | ||
| When, yeah. | ||
| Maybe it was because of pussy. | ||
| Maybe it was really hot redhead. | ||
| He was with his wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wouldn't she? | ||
| She was like, we gotta get out of here, baby. | ||
| Snuck out in the middle of the night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a bitch, dude. | ||
| And then where'd he go? | ||
| Just straight to the Brits? | ||
| There was ships out in the harbor. | ||
| He just went out and joined the British. | ||
| He snowed down. | ||
| He said, here's how you take the fort or whatever. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| He told him everything. | ||
| He had to get in. | ||
| That's the way to get in. | ||
| Was his wife British? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Probably dirty bitch. | ||
| Disgusting bitch. | ||
| Those hot Russian broads come over here and trick CIA guys. | ||
| Trick our fucking beautiful president, Donald Trump. | ||
| They trick them all, they trick everybody. | ||
| Those hot Russian broads. | ||
| That was the spy way. | ||
| If you're a fucking guy in the government and you meet a hot Russian lady, you're like, God damn it. | ||
| I'm fucked. | ||
| It's like meeting a shark when you're in the ocean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's over. | ||
| I just look good. | ||
| Oh, she's just a ballerina. | ||
| Nothing weird about this. | ||
| She just plays violin. | ||
| And she likes me. | ||
| Nothing strange about how she likes me and I'm disgusting. | ||
| Who's the politician that was fucking the Chinese spy? | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's the worst thing. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, you know that chicken fucking? | ||
| Oh, please don't tell me. | ||
| My wife found out. | ||
| I was like, no, way worse. | ||
| Worse. | ||
| She's a Chinese spy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chinese spy. | |
| And you opened up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Dude, just think about being like, oh. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Imagine that job. | ||
| But my wife does not know, though. | ||
| Suspected Chinese spy reportedly slept with courted U.S. officials to gain intel. | ||
| How many officials? | ||
| More than one? | ||
| She's banging a bunch of guys. | ||
| So she's really just a glorified prostitute. | ||
| You're like a helpful prostitute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was her name? | |
| Her name's Fang Fang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| There's nothing funny about that. | ||
| Her name was Fang? | ||
| Oh, it is Fang Fang. | ||
| A.K.A. Christina Fang. | ||
| Entered the U.S. through California as a college student in 2011, spent the next four years wooing everyone from local politicals to U.S. congressmen. | ||
| I'm telling you, he's a prostitute. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Who travels. | ||
| Among the polls Fang got close to was California Democrat Eric Swalwell. | ||
| She also once helped raise funds for Tulsi Gabbard. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| She was helpful along the way? | ||
| You think she fucked Tulsi Gabbard? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| She probably was doing... | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I think if you're gonna... | ||
| She at least was like, threw it out there. | ||
| Test the waters. | ||
| Hey, Gabby. | ||
| I'm waking up and someone being like, dude, you're a chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like... | |
| Fucking fang fang? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, I'll eat this up for the CCP. No, no, no, no. | |
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| She had sex with an Ohio mayor in a car. | ||
| An incident caught on FBI electronic surveillance. | ||
| Which guy was it? | ||
| That's her right there? | ||
| Kiss, kiss, fang, fang. | ||
| She's not great. | ||
| I'll be honest. | ||
| That's probably how you get by. | ||
| She looks regular. | ||
| You get by by being regular. | ||
| Can't be too hot. | ||
| She looks regular, yep. | ||
| What a stupid fucking spy to just fuck a mayor in Ohio. | ||
| We got a lot of information out of this guy. | ||
| He's the mayor of fucking Cleveland. | ||
| The mayor of Cleveland knows that the FBI is going to be in town because of this and that. | ||
| She's setting back Morse code like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is expanding. | ||
| But also, they're changing the name to the Guardians. | ||
| The Cure is winning. | ||
| But also, she's a human being. | ||
| And even though she's working as a spy, maybe she just wanted to fuck the mayor in a car. | ||
| Human being, she's Asian. | ||
| Unrelated, you're saying. | ||
| She was like, hey, I'm trying a bigger thing, but this guy's cool. | ||
| Yeah, she wants to fuck him. | ||
| It can't be all of her sex can't be for intel. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's hot intel puss. | ||
| Another U.S. mayor described as older and from obscure city in Midwest called Fang his girlfriend at a conference in Washington, D.C. in 2014. Damn. | ||
| Fang Fang. | ||
| Sucking the mayor of Sioux City. | ||
| The besotted mayor insisted the pair's relationship was the real deal, despite their age differences. | ||
| Oh, she's fucking old guys. | ||
| This doesn't work for guys. | ||
| A guy can't be a spy that fucks all the female. | ||
| She allegedly worked working at the direction of Chinese Ultra Secret Ministry of State Security Spy Agency. | ||
| Oxymoron. | ||
| Hmm, interesting. | ||
| Where is she now, in jail? | ||
| I don't know, where is she? | ||
| She got traded for Brittany Griner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| The merchant of head. | ||
| How crazy is that that they traded a mass murderer who's responsible for thousands of deaths for a basketball player? | ||
| The crazy thing is they told the Americans who love Brittany Griner, like, hey guys, you gotta keep quiet about this. | ||
| That's your only way to get her out. | ||
| You can't make it a big deal. | ||
| And those people are like, nah, all we do is make big deals out of things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're fans of the WNBA. There's ten of us, and we're loud as hell. | ||
| If they didn't make a big deal about it and the government negotiated... | ||
| She's let out in a week. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, they're like, eh. | ||
| Nah, I don't think so. | ||
| Just the weed charge. | ||
| Do you think it also became a fuck you? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, public fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because nobody knows about that Marine that's over there. | ||
| They had the choice of releasing a Marine or releasing Brittany Griner. | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, there was a Marine who was charged with espionage. | ||
| He's probably a better basketball player. | ||
| He's definitely a better basketball player. | ||
| Jamie, can you look up what Brittany's averaging this season to see if it was worth it? | ||
| They just started. | ||
| How's she doing? | ||
| She got an eight in her first game. | ||
| She got eight points? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think she got a fucking leading scorer. | |
| She's a little bit cornered. | ||
| They're all like Luis Gomez. | ||
| There's weird videos of her. | ||
| Dude, you gotta get the video of him faking out Luis Gomez. | ||
| He just throws a fake and Luis fully turns around. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| I'll send it to you, Jamie. | ||
| She got 27 in her last game. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| She's got 27? | ||
| 27 points. | ||
| 17, 25, 31. Who's the best player in the WNBA? Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh shit, that one guy. | ||
| Margaret- Sue Bird. | ||
| Sue Bird, that's what I was gonna say, maybe Sue Bird. | ||
| I don't think- I don't think- We don't know. | ||
| We won't know the name. | ||
| Where are the trans? | ||
| How come no- Yeah, I was just gonna say that. | ||
| How come no trans? | ||
| Dude, do you want to, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
TNBA. How come none of them tried that out? | |
| Yeah, they would be dunking. | ||
| You'd be nuts not to. | ||
| Who- What idiot is not tried? | ||
| All you'd have to do is be a mediocre male basketball player. | ||
| Dude, I was a practice player for the women's basketball team in Maryland. | ||
| We figured it out. | ||
| I would have been a sixth man. | ||
| I would have been first off the bench. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Without working out hard. | ||
| But imagine if you were like a mediocre professional basketball player who couldn't cut it in the NBA anymore and you just transitioned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy. | |
| I'll show it to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go for it. | |
| You'd be a savage. | ||
| And they can't stop you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one can stop you anymore. | ||
| You don't even have to do anything. | ||
| You don't have to take drugs. | ||
| You can be retired. | ||
| Well retired. | ||
| Mid to late 40s. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| But, I mean, do it. | ||
| Who's listening? | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Well, the weird thing is they just won the poker tournament. | ||
| That's not even physical. | ||
| Who did? | ||
| A guy. | ||
| He identified as a lady and won the poker tournament. | ||
| Well, that could easily be because men play more poker. | ||
| And there's more men playing poker. | ||
| Look at this fake. | ||
| Look at this fake. | ||
| That's so bad. | ||
| That's the nuttiest one. | ||
| Look at this pass from Matt. | ||
| We sucked. | ||
| It kind of worked. | ||
| He turned all the way around. | ||
| Full CTE. That was bad. | ||
| That's all that boxing training he's been doing. | ||
| He turned all the way around and was like, where did that pass go? | ||
| I don't see the ball. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| He's wearing Jordan's number? | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| We got a layup. | ||
| Until you dribble, until he hears the dribble, he doesn't know. | ||
| They fought the entire time, dude. | ||
| That was insane. | ||
| Did they take it seriously? | ||
| So seriously! | ||
| Way too seriously! | ||
| Me and Matt were on their podcast. | ||
| They were like, we can beat you in basketball. | ||
| I was like, I've seen you play basketball. | ||
| They played each other once. | ||
| And they can't play. | ||
| They dribble with their head down. | ||
| I was like, you guys, we suck. | ||
| Me and Matt suck, but we can beat you. | ||
| And then they were like, fine, $1,000. | ||
| We were like, alright, let's play. | ||
| We beat them at 11, 12-0. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then they fought. | |
| We got in a fight for a while over that. | ||
| They took it so seriously. | ||
| They just paid. | ||
| It was like a year and a half. | ||
| Lewis kept asking me to do the podcast, and I was like, I'm not doing it until you pay me. | ||
| He was like, I'll fucking pay you right now. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, Venmo, it works. | ||
| How come he didn't pay you immediately? | ||
| Well, he's Louis. | ||
| You're supposed to get paid at the game. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Well, after the game, it got heated. | ||
| About what? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everybody was fighting. | ||
| You took too seriously. | ||
| You went too hard. | ||
| We should have had Dave. | ||
| Dave wasn't here. | ||
| Dave never agreed to go. | ||
| Me and Louis got in a fight. | ||
| I was a little out of line. | ||
| He was a little out of line. | ||
| Louis is great at blowing. | ||
| You guys drinking? | ||
| No. | ||
| It looked like it. | ||
| Louis is great at flying off the handle, then forgiving you the next day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's his thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and him fight a lot. | ||
| Girls like that are a lot of fun, aren't they? | ||
| Girls like that are fun. | ||
| Actually, I forgive them. | ||
| Sometimes you do. | ||
| They freak out. | ||
| I go, hey, fucking, you're dumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You didn't know what you were doing. | ||
| What makes them fun sometimes makes them problematic. | ||
| Yeah, you got that right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| J-Mo, I got another Frank thing. | ||
| My friend Tony always said that. | ||
| Psychotic and erotic are next door neighbors. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| They're right next door to each other. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So are the butthole and the vagina. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Don't tell that to Jesus. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What? | ||
| You gotta ring the bell. | ||
| It takes a second. | ||
| Jay was so mad that you beat him so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are you so mad? | |
| Sometimes he just can't take it. | ||
| He's competitive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't play a video game with him. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh, is Big Jay a big video gamer? | ||
| He's competitive. | ||
| He's competitive. | ||
| Oh, he gets crazy? | ||
| Rarely, but when he is. | ||
| What game are you playing? | ||
| NBA Jam. | ||
| More basketball. | ||
| He plays basketball video games. | ||
| He plays NBA 2K. He loves basketball. | ||
| So that was what started the argument. | ||
| He was like, I'm getting pretty good. | ||
| Does he actually play basketball? | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| They have a court in his apartment. | ||
| That was in his apartment building. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It was a weekly game. | ||
| I wore a chain wallet once. | ||
| He tackled me. | ||
| Why? | ||
| That's his thing. | ||
| He wears a chain wallet. | ||
| That's a joke. | ||
| I used to wear a chain wallet. | ||
| Yeah, I did too. | ||
| It's a great way to not lose your wallet. | ||
| I lost my wallet once in New York City. | ||
| I left it in the back of a cab. | ||
| It was such a fucking pain. | ||
| Devastating. | ||
| I'd rather lose my wallet. | ||
| I'd rather lose my wallet. | ||
| What if you get caught? | ||
| Wallet inside, chain out there. | ||
| Bro, the best thing is... | ||
| It's so corny. | ||
| It's so corny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not Jay. | |
| Not Jay. | ||
| These are the best. | ||
| He doesn't wear it anymore. | ||
| These are the best. | ||
| What are those? | ||
| It's a little front zip-up wallet for credit cards. | ||
| That's what I got. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| Credit cards, driver's license, all that shit. | ||
| But now you got multiple things here. | ||
| I want one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got this thing. | |
| I got a fanny pack, son. | ||
| Folder the bills. | ||
| That's a fanny pack. | ||
| I'm aware. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't you bluff me, motherfucker. | ||
| I wear that. | ||
| I got the same one Dice has. | ||
| That's where I learned about this model. | ||
| Dice has a fanny pack on. | ||
| I was like, look at that fanny pack. | ||
| I'm like, that's a fucking beautiful fanny pack. | ||
| It's nice, right? | ||
| I go, where'd you get it? | ||
| It's like Roots of Canada. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit. | ||
| We sell these on higherprimate.com. | ||
| They're legit from Roots. | ||
| Good band. | ||
| You're scared of fanny packs. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I don't care for them. | ||
| They're very convenient. | ||
| You gotta wear them over the shoulder. | ||
| That's what people do now, the hipsters. | ||
| That's cowards. | ||
| It's a coward's way. | ||
| You're scared. | ||
| You want the convenience of a fanny pack, but you want it to be a little more awkward to wear. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Just so that you don't look like you're wearing a fanny pack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Go for it or don't go for it. | ||
| Don't be a coward. | ||
| Wear a fanny pack. | ||
| Wear it right over your dick. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Sit right there. | ||
| Keys. | ||
| Aren't you supposed to put it on your fanny, though? | ||
| I don't know why they call it a fanny pack. | ||
| Do you know fanny in English is pussy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why they call it a fanny pack. | ||
| It's a pussy pack. | ||
| And they were making fun of me. | ||
| What'd you call it? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I'm doing Australia next week. | ||
| It's called the Fanny Guy Tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were like, mate, mate, that's a vagina. | |
| It's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They call it a bum bag over there. | |
| A bum bag? | ||
| Like bum, like your butt. | ||
| Like fanny pack. | ||
| They call it a bum bag. | ||
| I was working the door at the comedy store and somebody, you know, they always make jokes and they come in and it's like, they're like, do you allow fags in here? | ||
| And I'm like, ugh, yes, whatever. | ||
| And then I turn back around, they were just smoking. | ||
| And I was like, oh, no, 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We shouldn't, but get in there. | |
| Not on my watch. | ||
| If I got a vote, it'd be different. | ||
| Tony was there Someone saying that though, that's like willful ignorance They gotta know that that has a different meaning in the United States. | ||
| They have to know. | ||
| Because it's such a different meaning. | ||
| Such a different meaning. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| Everybody knows about that different meaning. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That and the loo. | ||
| The loo, yeah. | ||
| And the boot. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's all I got. | ||
| On British speak. | ||
| Lift, lorry, trunk. | ||
| Is that an elevator? | ||
| A lorry, I think it's a truck. | ||
| Yeah, a lift. | ||
| A lift is an elevator. | ||
| And then a cookie is a cracker. | ||
| The boot is a weird one. | ||
| Biscuit. | ||
| What do they call the front hood? | ||
| The bonnet. | ||
| The bonnet of a car? | ||
| Yeah, the bonnet and the boot. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, the boot is the trunk. | ||
| I suck. | ||
| That's what I lost. | ||
| Well, also, we invented the car, so why you changing the names? | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Oh, good point. | ||
| Why the fuck you spelling tire with a Y? They changed that on us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gross. | |
| Why you got a Y in it? | ||
| Why you got a U in color? | ||
| Color. | ||
| Flavor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Maybe they invented the fucking English language. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No tires. | ||
| There were no tires. | ||
| I'd say we perfected it. | ||
| They invented it. | ||
| We're like, not bad, not bad. | ||
| And then we ran with it. | ||
| They had to go on the other side of the road too, those dorks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They put the steering wheel on the other side of the road. | ||
| That'll fuck you up. | ||
| I drove on there. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't Matthew Broderick get in a car accident because of that? | ||
| Ran over a kid. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fucked him up. | ||
| He's different now. | ||
| Who is? | ||
| Broderick. | ||
| He'd be a better actor. | ||
| He was getting hit by Jennifer Grey. | ||
| That's the rumor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that funny? | |
| No way. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| That's the rumor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now they were dating and now they're done. | ||
| And so there was a kid? | ||
| Jennifer Grey? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there was a job Jennifer Grey? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Blowjob Jennifer Grey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was giving him a little bonnet. | |
| What a horrible thing. | ||
| Lorena Bonnet. | ||
| Jesus, son. | ||
| Remember that story? | ||
| That was big news in the 90s. | ||
| That was the biggest story of all time. | ||
| What story? | ||
| What story? | ||
| She cut off the guy's dick and threw it off the window. | ||
| That was a giant story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was huge. | |
| Of course it was. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| John Wayne Bobbitt! | ||
| He was a running late night joke for years. | ||
| Years. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Every comic had a joke about it. | ||
| We have to have talked about this. | ||
| I don't think we talked about vomit. | ||
| Oh, I'm talking about just the idea of just like, you'd never find my dick in that field. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Good for that guy. | ||
| I don't think it was like, I think she just threw it out the window. | ||
| I know, but mine's gone. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I think she probably threw in a very specific area. | ||
| While they're driving? | ||
| If it was your earbud while you're biking, it's the hat on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what she did. | |
| Airplane seat. | ||
| Well, my dick's gone. | ||
| We're never getting that. | ||
| They sewed it back up. | ||
| You got your phone light out under the seat? | ||
| They did the first, I think recently, they did the first penis transplant. | ||
| Let's get it going. | ||
| But they can't transplant your balls? | ||
| Good. | ||
| Who needs a pod? | ||
| She left with it and drove away and threw it out the window. | ||
| Left the apartment with a severed appendage and drove away in her car after a length of time driving. | ||
| It's a pretty good dick if you can find it. | ||
| Struggling to steer with one hand. | ||
| Struggling to steer with one hand? | ||
| She's a lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She threw the penis out of the window at a roadside field. | |
| Struggling. | ||
| Why do they have that in there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Struggling to drive. | |
| She eventually stopped and called 911 telling them what had happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And where it was. | ||
| It was found after an exhaustive search. | ||
| And after being washed with antiseptic and packed in saline ice, it was reattached in the hospital. | ||
| And he did two pornos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I remember the pornos. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like Franken-penis, I think they call them. | ||
| My uncle produced. | ||
| Franken-penis? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of the funniest- What was I just talking about while you pulled that up? | ||
| What were we just talking about while you pulled that up? | ||
| Franken-penis. | ||
| I should have gone with Frank and Weenie. | ||
| What was I just talking about right when we pulled that up? | ||
| What were you talking about? | ||
| We're talking about something different. | ||
| Docking. | ||
| No. | ||
| In between there. | ||
| Brittany Griner. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Her dick. | ||
| Bobbit. | ||
| Bobbit. | ||
| Get cut off. | ||
| Finding your dick in the field? | ||
| You think they find yours? | ||
| Oh, penis transplant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Transplant. | |
| That's right. | ||
| So they've done the first penis transplant, but they can't transplant balls because the balls carry your loads forever. | ||
| If you transplant something else, your balls carry your DNA. Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, so if you transplanted balls, there's an ethical problem because that guy's obviously dead. | ||
| And he's still having kids. | ||
| He's out. | ||
| You're having his kids. | ||
| Also, if you get a dick transplant, you're going black, though. | ||
| No. | ||
| For the request. | ||
| It's a penis and scrotum. | ||
| Why would you go black? | ||
| I want... | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Well, you don't want it to look like yours. | ||
| Yeah, but you also want the girth already discolored. | ||
| Imagine if that was a question. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I got a two-tone. | ||
| What color do you want? | ||
| Imagine if that was a question. | ||
| Like, what do you want? | ||
| You have to wait until everyone's out of the room. | ||
| Do you care? | ||
| We could bleach it. | ||
| Dr. Shoes got to give the patient testicles after consulting with the bioethicals. | ||
| Bioethicists? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a job. | |
| Yeah, the sperm-generating tissue would confer the potential for having children with genetic material from the donor. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it would keep going. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, keep the guy going. | ||
| Dick Reddit. | ||
| Dick Reddit. | ||
| His name is Dick Reddit. | ||
| Dick Reddit. | ||
| His name is Dick Reddit. | ||
| So, was this the first one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The patient who also lost both legs in the blast. | ||
| Scroll down a little bit. | ||
| I don't want to make a do it. | ||
| You guys notice the doctor who did the most on this? | ||
| Well, I don't want him making my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just saying, he had some reasons to go like, we can go bigger. | |
| We can't let nature hold us back. | ||
| Did you hear about the kid who was born with a giant dong? | ||
| So they had to get surgery, and the dad was like, go eight inches. | ||
| So they went him down to eight. | ||
| He had a football-shaped dick. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And they surgered it down to an eight-er. | ||
| That's a good dad, though. | ||
| On a kid. | ||
| Good dad. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Give him girth. | ||
| Yeah, but what if he wanted nine? | ||
| Eight's pretty good. | ||
| What if his friend's like, yeah, my dick's an inch bigger? | ||
| Like, motherfucker, I had a football. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want that. | |
| I had a giant football cock when I was a baby. | ||
| Oh, yeah, with the laces. | ||
| Keeping a kid with a giant dick is like the opposite of a boy named Sue. | ||
| You're giving him an easy life. | ||
| Remasculating him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This kid was one. | ||
| He learned to walk at nine years old. | ||
| Pull it up, J-Mo. | ||
| There he is! | ||
| Oh, that's the dick. | ||
| I don't think that's the kid. | ||
| That's just a kid. | ||
| That's just a random kid. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Why would they just use this kid? | ||
| Is he white? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Sexual organs of a grown man due to rare hormonal condition. | ||
| I bet that means he's jacked, too. | ||
| I bet he came out of the womb fucking jacked with a giant hog. | ||
| I bet he fucks well. | ||
| Fucks all the babies. | ||
| He said he was on it. | ||
| Imagine you walked in a nursery and you saw one baby with a giant dick trying to fuck the other baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know there was one freak nurse who was like, I know you're only one. | |
| You can't do that. | ||
| Keep your diaper on. | ||
| Don't put that in your mouth. | ||
| Don't fuck the kids. | ||
| He's just like looking at you and scolding him while he's stroking it. | ||
| Nothing comes out. | ||
| Yeah, knuckles up. | ||
| Imagine the ultrasound lady being like, no way. | ||
| I think it's twins. | ||
| I think you have a dick stuck in there. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| They can't show the dick. | ||
| Baby born with three penises makes medical history. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's got to be a record that stands for a while. | ||
| You've got to keep the middle one. | ||
| Imagine if the mom was like, I don't want him to have the big one. | ||
| No, let him keep all three. | ||
| It could be a freak show. | ||
| Give him a normal size. | ||
| Give him the Hydra. | ||
| Give him three dicks. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Is that a total recall? | ||
| They're going to get mad at you. | ||
| But you could put one in the veg, one in the b-hole, and one can just hang out. | ||
| Sell two off. | ||
| With these organ transplants. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| They make college education. | ||
| You saw it? | ||
| No, there's no picture, but it describes what it is. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Is it a third nip? | ||
| One was under the root under his primary penis. | ||
| And the other one was under the sack. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Under the sack! | ||
| Like in the taint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A centimeter long schlong situation. | ||
| Did we all picture side to side? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Yeah, I did too. | ||
| Now, if he jizzes, do they all jizz? | ||
| Ooh, good question. | ||
| Or is one jizz at a time? | ||
| Immediately go again. | ||
| Immediately go again. | ||
| Yeah, like, do you jizz the one you work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hydra. | |
| Hydra-esque anomaly. | ||
| Particularly mysterious, a child hadn't been exposed to drugs in the womb and didn't have a family history of genetic aberrations. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Old parents. | ||
| A lot of weird dicks out there. | ||
| So, the language used here is a little interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Since three really is a digital phallus, it's not really good. | ||
| Three really is awful. | ||
| Horrible whale movie. | ||
| Yeah, it's the New York Post. | ||
| Three Willys? | ||
| The New York Post is always fucking around. | ||
| It's the best back page. | ||
| I love the Post. | ||
| Page six. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three Willys. | ||
| That writer must have been a fucking sixth grade bully, dude. | ||
| What a beast. | ||
| Three Willys. | ||
| That's a crazy nickname, dude. | ||
| Have you found out someone had three dicks and you called them Three Willys? | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Better than One-Eyed Willie. | ||
| Now, remember, they had Chink in the Armor. | ||
| That was them. | ||
| No, that was ESPN. No, I think it was The Post. | ||
| ESPN. Damn! | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Jeremy Lin was an Asian basketball player and he was dominating. | ||
| And it said, Chink in the Armor was the ESPN headline. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just quoting the headline. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He was quoting me that one time. | ||
| ESPN fires employee after offensive Lynn headline. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He said, I have no idea. | ||
| It was not on purpose. | ||
| But that is a thing that you would say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| That's what he said. | ||
| Like if there was a player that found a hole in the defense, he found a chink in the armor. | ||
| I would like to hear the phrasing. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| It's a phrase. | ||
| Oh, in the Hornets defense. | ||
| He found a chink in the Hornets defense. | ||
| That's an expression. | ||
| It is a common expression. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tough one on this one, though. | ||
| It is a tough one on that one, but you could make that mistake. | ||
| And if you made that mistake, you say it all the time. | ||
| Did you see that A's announcer? | ||
| I'll be honest, I don't forgive him. | ||
| No. | ||
| He tried to say the Negro Baseball Hall of Fame, but he said it fast with an accent. | ||
| It came out the worst way possible. | ||
| I will not. | ||
| He goes, we've had a great time here. | ||
| We went to the Baseball League Hall of Fame. | ||
| Fool. | ||
| If you have an accent, then... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he didn't have an accent with anything else? | |
| No, dude. | ||
| He said it wrong. | ||
| He accidentally said it. | ||
| He said it. | ||
| The N-word. | ||
| Not fool. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| Did you see the one in there? | ||
| There's a newscaster talking about this guy who had done something like that on this long hike. | ||
| But the amazing thing is that he's gay. | ||
| No, he's blind. | ||
| I mean, he's blind. | ||
| Oh, I saw that. | ||
| She says it like that! | ||
| He's gay! | ||
| The horror in her face when she realized that she said gay instead of blind, like, oh my god. | ||
| How do you get the gay from blind, though? | ||
| Panic! | ||
| Do you know how many people panic when the camera's on them? | ||
| They just panic. | ||
| They don't know what they're saying. | ||
| If you misspeak, it's bad enough. | ||
| You go, the amazing thing is that he's house. | ||
| You're like, oh, that didn't make it. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| But when you say that, you're like, fuck! | ||
| Fuck, it makes sense. | ||
| If you misspeak, if you say something and as you're saying it, you're like, this doesn't make sense. | ||
| But it's chink in the armor. | ||
| You're like, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Think about that fucking... | ||
| The baseball Hall of Fame guy must have been like, holy... | ||
| As soon as they fucking went like, all right, we're done with that segment, just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yikes. | ||
| The best one ever is... | ||
| They're live. | ||
| They had a live feed before the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fag capital of the world. | |
| Fag capital of the world. | ||
| This guy, his baseball announcer's on and he just goes, Kansas City, fag capital of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cincinnati. | |
| Cincinnati. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| Five minutes later. | ||
| He's warmed up his mouth. | ||
| He's getting ready to start the broadcast. | ||
| And he doesn't know the broadcast is already live. | ||
| Fag capital of the world. | ||
| No, he's not doing that. | ||
| Hi, everybody! | ||
| He's talking. | ||
| He's talking to the guy with him up in the booth. | ||
| He didn't know it was a hot mic. | ||
| And they were like, it was like B-roll of the stadium before the game. | ||
| And you just hear the announcer go, Fag capital of the world. | ||
| And then he gets fired in like the fifth inning. | ||
| And he has an apology. | ||
| He's like, I'm so sorry if you never want to work with me again, all this. | ||
| Cassiano hits a home run in the middle of his apology. | ||
| He's going, to my wife and my kids, I love you. | ||
| Deep drive, that thing's out. | ||
| He fucking calls a home run. | ||
| He did his job. | ||
| He went down, he went out doing his job. | ||
| What do you think happens to a guy like that? | ||
| He's doing a TV show with Joe List. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a comment earlier tonight that I guess went out over the year that I am deeply ashamed of. | |
| If I have heard anyone out there... | ||
| That blows, dude. | ||
| Now he's working at Gas Digital. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the best. | |
| I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith. | ||
| It's the Anos. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's on autopilot. | |
| He's got to do it. | ||
| He's been doing this for 30 years. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Whatever happened to that guy? | ||
| He's doing a show at Joe List. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a minor league. | ||
| Yes, he is. | ||
| He's going to minor league stadiums. | ||
| Joe's taking batting practice at minor league stadiums. | ||
| He got a jersey for the Montana... | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The Whitefish. | ||
| They put him in. | ||
| Does Joe List have some baseball fantasy? | ||
| He's a hell of an announcer. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a great voice. | ||
| And a good dancer and a singer. | ||
| But he's like, this is my co-host. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| I was like, where do I know that name? | ||
| He's like, think about it. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| The thing is, there's so many people out there. | ||
| There's so many people out there that can do that job. | ||
| Eh, some are better than others. | ||
| Some are better than others. | ||
| John Miller's the best ever. | ||
| Baseball's tough, too. | ||
| It's basically like a podcast, because it's such a boring fucking game. | ||
| You gotta just talk. | ||
| You gotta be on. | ||
| Funny. | ||
| Captivating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| Baseball's slow. | ||
| Hockey's... | ||
| Fighting is easy. | ||
| Hockey's hard. | ||
| Fighting is easy because it's all happening. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like the excitement is not you talking. | ||
| It's all happening. | ||
| So you just have to describe what's going on. | ||
| But what if they're just kind of circling? | ||
| But they want to put it on the ground. | ||
| Do you guys have to go, oh, he's circling, so... | ||
| No, you just talk about what he's trying to do. | ||
| Like how he's trying to set something up. | ||
| What do you see in the movement? | ||
| What do you see in the way they're interacting with each other? | ||
| What patterns do you see? | ||
| You see thousands of fights, you see patterns. | ||
| You see when someone's starting to set things up, you see someone who's pressing, someone who's biting on feints, you see things. | ||
| But I also see some announcers be like, so they start talking about his past and how he came up and how he trains. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes you do that, and it's all free flow. | ||
| You don't know what you're gonna say. | ||
| That's why Anik is the best. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| That guy, John Anik, is the fucking goat. | ||
| When you take me to those fights and I see that guy work, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's so much harder than what I do. | ||
| Why is he so good? | ||
| He's the goat. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| First of all, he's the smoothest. | ||
| He's the most knowledgeable. | ||
| He's the best at recall. | ||
| He never flubs any of his lines. | ||
| Everything is smooth as fuck. | ||
| He knows when to get in. | ||
| He knows when to get out. | ||
| He knows when to set you up. | ||
| He's so aware of, like, if something goes to the ground. | ||
| Like, DC's explaining wrestling positions. | ||
| He never gets in the way. | ||
| He's just the fucking man. | ||
| And he loves the sport. | ||
| My favorite about him is watching him when you guys start the main event broadcast. | ||
| You see him, like, because it's so loud. | ||
| You guys can't hear each other. | ||
| He's got an earpiece in. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| He's just like, we are live from fucking time. | ||
| Yeah, we are. | ||
| We are. | ||
| We are pieces in. | ||
| You see him turn it on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When people say, like, why are you yelling during the broadcast? | ||
| Because I can't even fucking hear myself. | ||
| In the middle of the day. | ||
| In the beginning, when the UFC's about to go live on pay-per-view, especially, like, a big show. | ||
| They still do that Who song? | ||
| And he's playing the Who song? | ||
| They still do that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's like, we're starting now. | ||
| It's such a good ending. | ||
| The Who song is the sickest shit. | ||
| Which song is it? | ||
| That's Bob O'Reilly. | ||
| And it has all the highlights of like 30 years of crazy fights. | ||
| And they line it up to by like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's incredible. | |
| It's incredible. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| If you're ever working out, you can put that on a loop and just fucking go for hours. | ||
| They change out the video all the time. | ||
| Yeah, they're always adding new highlights, new things. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| Out of all the jobs that I have, like that one, I fucking never get tired of that. | ||
| It's cool as ever. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| I always get excited. | ||
| That fucking Salt Lake City lineup I showed you. | ||
| Bananas! | ||
| Justin Gaethje versus Dustin Poirier. | ||
| Yeah, my two favorites. | ||
| Gaethje is my favorite. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, the whole fucking card is bananas. | ||
| That's a big one, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| When's that? | ||
| Salt Lake City. | ||
| I think it's July? | ||
| July 29, I believe. | ||
| I'm going July 8th. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I'm doing shows in Vegas. | ||
| I texted you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Where are you doing? | ||
| Or if you were doing any? | ||
| Well, if I did a theater, I would do that place at the Mirage. | ||
| I like that place a lot. | ||
| I think I'm doing that. | ||
| That's the one Ron White always does. | ||
| That place is the shit. | ||
| But last time I did the MGM Grand Arena, and that was pretty badass, too. | ||
| I'm not gonna do that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet you could. | |
| I bet you'd be surprised. | ||
| I bet you could. | ||
| I'm gonna do that theater. | ||
| Yeah, there's another theater that I did, too, that's like 4,000. | ||
| What is that one? | ||
| The one that's sort of connected to the MGM? No, no, the other one. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| There's a theater, like, it's a really nice theater. | ||
| We hold the weigh-ins there sometimes. | ||
| I forget the name of it. | ||
| Weigh-ins brothers? | ||
| It's not the Cirque du Soleil one? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's, like, the something- Something Point Theater or something. | ||
| We've had the... | ||
| Oh, at the Park MGM? That's right, Park MGM. That place is dope. | ||
| That's a really good theater. | ||
| That's like... | ||
| Was it like 4700 capacity? | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| I gotta get back to Vegas. | ||
| But the Mirage is the shit. | ||
| You can't beat that Mirage. | ||
| That fucking Terry Fedor room is perfect. | ||
| It's angled. | ||
| It sets up for you. | ||
|
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|
What do you got? | |
| Is this the card? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Alexander Volkanovski vs. | ||
| Yaya Rodriguez. | ||
| Whitaker's a killer. | ||
| Oh, Hooker! | ||
| That guy won't go down. | ||
| Bo Nickel, let's go, dude! | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Nickel and dime. | ||
| Jalen Turner vs. | ||
| Dan Hooker is a great fucking fight, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Holy shit, that's a great fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'll be there. | ||
| Brandon Moreno vs. | ||
| Pantoja, that's a fucking great fight. | ||
| You plan that gig around this? | ||
| Have you seen Yair Rodriguez fight? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yair Rodriguez is one of the wildest motherfuckers that's ever fought in MMA. Go to a Yair Rodriguez highlight. | ||
| Yair has some of the craziest kicks. | ||
| He's got this Taekwondo background, but he does all this wild shit. | ||
| He hit BJ Penn with a 360 roundhouse kick. | ||
| He's around that long? | ||
| He spins 300... | ||
| He fucked BJ Penn up. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| It was BJ towards the end. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, off the top of the dome. | ||
| He kicked him with the right and then in the air hits him with the left. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| He's so dynamic. | ||
| Wow, that's a tall Mexican. | ||
| His striking end is on the ground. | ||
| He's fucking... | ||
| He finished Josh Emmett with a triangle in his last fight. | ||
| On the ground, he's nasty. | ||
| Oh, this is old. | ||
| Bro, he is fucking wicked. | ||
| He's wicked and he's really hard to figure out because everything he does is different than anything. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Behind the back kick. | ||
| Back that up. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Behind the back, swings around, does like a spinning back kick to the supporting leg. | ||
| Watch that again. | ||
| Look how creative this fucking guy is. | ||
| Nobody does that. | ||
| Let me see that again. | ||
| Back it up. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Behind the back and then spinning back fist. | ||
| Fucking genius. | ||
| Fucking genius man. | ||
| That reminds me of something I would do though. | ||
| You would crush it. | ||
| You should join the UFC bro. | ||
| Watch this elbow. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| The guy's chasing him. | ||
| He does a spitting elbow. | ||
|
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|
Look at that. | |
| Boom. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| That's a famous clip. | ||
| An up elbow. | ||
| He's so dynamic. | ||
| You didn't even see it. | ||
| Was that the zombie? | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Flying, jumping roundhouse kick. | ||
| What the fuck is this guy's problem, dude? | ||
| Bro, he's so good. | ||
| Should be arrested for that. | ||
| And off his back. | ||
| He's fucking nasty with submissions. | ||
| He does everything, man. | ||
| Yair Rodriguez is a motherfucker. | ||
| He's gonna be cool. | ||
| And he's a guy that had his ups and downs in the UFC. He had some fights where he got dominated by wrestlers. | ||
| Where he really had, you know, Frankie Edgar fucked him up. | ||
| Took him down, beat the shit out of him. | ||
| He's been around a while. | ||
| He looks young. | ||
| I feel like I remember his name. | ||
| He's fairly young because he got into the UFC fairly young. | ||
| He's famous. | ||
| He's really good, man. | ||
| He had a back and forth with Max Holloway. | ||
| He was down to a wire. | ||
| Holloway's a beast. | ||
| Yeah, he was on the 2014 Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| Yair. | ||
| He won that. | ||
| He threw up once when I was interviewing him. | ||
| Oh, that's Jamar Neighbors. | ||
| Bro, he's so good, dude. | ||
| This dude's so good. | ||
| He's just so different than anybody else. | ||
| And he's a really good grappler, too. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| It's like, usually when guys are that good at striking, their submissions aren't top-notch, but he's got everything. | ||
| He's not really a wrestler, but he can wrestle, but my God, his fucking kicking's off the charts. | ||
| Look at the distance. | ||
| See, in that distance, you're fucked. | ||
| Because he's... | ||
| That guy's good, too. | ||
| Actually, he's getting popped. | ||
| Well, this is the rise of him. | ||
| So this is how he won the ultimate fighter. | ||
| He won that. | ||
| And then, you know, you just get to see some highlights from some of his fights. | ||
| But Volkanovski's the baddest motherfucker alive. | ||
| That's what I was saying. | ||
| That fight is incredible. | ||
| That's going to be fun. | ||
| But Volkanovski's pound for pound number one. | ||
| Volkanovski's the man. | ||
| What? | ||
| Number one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He lost to... | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Islam Akachev. | ||
| Very, very close fight. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Barely lost. | ||
| I thought he edged him, but it was a very, very good fight. | ||
| And then you look at Volkanovski, you know, at 145, and he's just unprecedented. | ||
| He storms the gates. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Off the chin. | ||
| But back up that fight. | ||
| Does it show the 360 roundhouse kick he hit B.J. with? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Call that. | ||
| But look how he does that, that round kick to the straight punch in the same motion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like the kick lands and the punch is right behind you. | ||
| Straight into Big Brother punches. | ||
| He's so nasty. | ||
|
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|
He's so nasty. | |
| He's got Lugy coming next. | ||
| He's going to do a finger up the butt. | ||
| Big Brother punches. | ||
| Alright, call it, will ya? | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| That was when BJ went to 145. And BJ at 145 was very depleted. | ||
| It was not a good move for him to get down to that weight class. | ||
| GSP said he was the toughest fighter he's ever fought. | ||
| Yeah, when BJ was 155. But as he got older, he tried the lower weight classes. | ||
| Tied it down with bigger guys. | ||
| His body wasn't the same anymore. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| BJ was the motherfucker when he was in his prime. | ||
| Hawaiian. | ||
| But I always say that like you got to look at a guy like in their prime, like Mike Tyson in his prime. | ||
| You got to look at them like in their prime. | ||
| And then stop watching them. | ||
| Yeah, you can't look at them when they're deteriorated and say, oh, overall they didn't. | ||
| Because overall you're correct. | ||
| But if you want to look at the greatest expression of martial arts. | ||
| Right, but if he had just retired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Then you'd still only look at the primes. | ||
| Just look at that part. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would say the same for comedians. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Comedians really fall off. | ||
| Well, Kinnison's my favorite example of that. | ||
| Kinnison is a great example. | ||
| Did you know that what it's called? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Lock it with some prayer? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is the Utah card. | ||
| Look, this is the one I was talking about. | ||
| This is the card. | ||
| Tony? | ||
| Every one is killer. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Bohovich at 205 is so fucking scary. | ||
| And for Alex to go right up and fight him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Derrick Lewis. | |
| Derrick Lewis and Marcos Rogerio DeLima. | ||
| That's a great fight, too. | ||
| I'd love to kiss Wonderboy. | ||
| Michael Chiesa and Kevin Holland. | ||
| That's a fucking great fight, too. | ||
| Wonderboy is so cute. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| Wonderboy is the man, dude. | ||
| Cool dude. | ||
| Scroll back up. | ||
| And he's funny, too. | ||
| You're going to that one, Mark? | ||
| Blachowicz and Pejeda. | ||
| Bro, you're going. | ||
| I'd love to go. | ||
| That's a crazy fight, because you can't fuck up with Blachowicz. | ||
| That guy throws thunder. | ||
| Let's do a Wise Guys show and then pop over here. | ||
| That would be a good time. | ||
| Let's get Pereira Izzy going. | ||
| It's right there, right? | ||
| Pereira Izzy going again? | ||
| Right there by the stadium. | ||
| Why wouldn't they go three? | ||
| Well, because I don't think Pejeda really wants him. | ||
| It's absolutely brutal. | ||
| And there's a lot of speculation as to that's why. | ||
| Well, first of all, Israel hit him with the perfect punch. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| The follow-up was perfect. | ||
| It was a beautiful knockout. | ||
| It was cool. | ||
| Spectacular. | ||
| But a lot of people are speculating that he doesn't take a punch that well because he cuts so much weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| Oh, Perea? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He'd be better if he was... | ||
| He walks around way over 205. He walks around like 230. It just seemed like they... | ||
|
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|
He's huge. | |
| It just seemed like they immediately got rid of the idea of a trilogy immediately. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, as soon as the fight ended, they were like, what are you doing next? | ||
| Not even a mention of... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everyone was like, no. | ||
| It's 1-1 in MMA, and it's 3-2, right? | ||
| Overall? | ||
| Yeah, 3-2 overall. | ||
| Anyone? | ||
| I already got some. | ||
| Not now. | ||
| You already did some? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'll take a little. | ||
| I'll take a nibble. | ||
| A little nibble. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I'm still trying to wake up from that hangover. | ||
| That's a big fight for Pejera to go up to 205 and to fight Borovic. | ||
| Eat it. | ||
| That's a big test. | ||
| I'm excited about that one. | ||
| What's up with these chocolates? | ||
| Were these the ones we were eating last time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Be careful. | ||
| Volkanovski's funny too. | ||
| Oh, he's hilarious. | ||
| Volkanovski and Tua are the fucking bros. | ||
| Oh, Tua, the old shoe drink. | ||
| Half? | ||
| Was that a lot? | ||
| No, half's nothing. | ||
| Do you mean Tui Vasa? | ||
| Tai Tui Vasa? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You mean David Tui was another one, the boxer. | ||
| No, the shoe guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| Do a shoeie when you're in Australia. | ||
| Bert Kreischer was saying he got a throat infection from doing shoeies in Australia. | ||
| Oh, that's from Blowing Dudes. | ||
| Yeah, I'm Blowing Dudes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Australia is down under. | ||
| He didn't understand what it meant. | ||
| It means sucking dicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, Mr. They tried to get me to do a shoeie when I was there. | |
| What'd you do? | ||
| I said, no, on stage. | ||
| Tai Tuivasa tried to drink a beer out of my shoe. | ||
| Tai tried to drink a beer out of my shoe in a post-fight interview. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I'm wearing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| I have to wear that, because I have to walk around. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| I don't support that. | ||
| Somebody just get you shoes, dude. | ||
| I don't support that behavior. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| That's the cool shit they do. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I could see Shane doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could see Shane in the show just like, no. | |
| No chance on it. | ||
| I said no. | ||
| Those guys, they huck Louie's? | ||
| Yeah, they spit into it. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| If you watch Tuivasa do it, Volk will be standing there with him going into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, they huck Louie's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Big, thick ones. | ||
| You should respect each other. | ||
| They probably drink milk so they have extra phlegm. | ||
| That's not friendly. | ||
| That's gayer than jizz. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah, drinking milk from it? | ||
| A hock-a-loo? | ||
| Yeah, a spit in your mouth is gay. | ||
| That's less gay. | ||
| Spit in your mouth? | ||
| Yeah, I think sucking someone's cock and cum coming in your mouth is the most gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| That's literally gay by definition. | ||
| You might have a point on that. | ||
| That's sound reason. | ||
| That is sound reason. | ||
| You know when you spell it out like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess in a way you're right. | ||
| Coming from a guy who watched people drink cum on TV. Kissing. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you've seen it. | ||
| I watched people drink a glass of cum. | ||
| And that was bull cum. | ||
| Yeah, donkey. | ||
| Donkey cum. | ||
| Donkey cum. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because it's the cheapest. | ||
| Great punk band. | ||
| Because donkeys can't impregnate anybody. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Donkeys cum is useless. | ||
| Donkeys are mules and horses. | ||
| So if I put donkey jizz in a lady's veg, it won't knock her up? | ||
| Well, it might kill her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| Try it. | ||
| Imagine if it was one animal that could fuck a person but they never have before and one lady gets pregnant with a koala. | ||
| And like, oh shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Adorable. | |
| It's like one sperm that actually does work on human eggs. | ||
| Flights to Australia quadruple. | ||
| They would already be hybrids. | ||
| If that was the case, imagine if your jizz worked on everything. | ||
| We have universal jizz. | ||
| We have O positive blood. | ||
| I'm just learning it doesn't. | ||
| Imagine some people, if you have O positive blood, you could donate blood to anybody, right? | ||
| If you have universal jizz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody gets it. | ||
| It just works on everyone. | ||
| Dudes have jizzed on anthills. | ||
| Hey, you remember the old days? | ||
| Everything's getting it. | ||
| Do you remember the old days? | ||
| I don't know if you guys remember this, but they used to do tests on people to see if you could have kids together. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Tay-Sax for Jews. | ||
| But I don't think it was real. | ||
| I don't think it really made sense. | ||
| To see if you were able to? | ||
| They would do blood tests on people to see if you should have kids together. | ||
| I remember this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's a heartbreaking test. | ||
| Tay-Sax, I remember. | ||
| Not only that, I don't even think it's real. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think it works. | ||
| If it's safe for you to have kids together. | ||
| There was just something that they did, I think it was just nonsense. | ||
| It's weird how incest comes out. | ||
| I just vaguely remember that when I was a kid. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| So see if you can find what that is. | ||
| Sounds like you had a weird camp counselor. | ||
| There was a genetic test, but I don't know if that's what they were doing back then. | ||
| Nah, they definitely weren't doing genetics. | ||
| How old were you that you knew about this? | ||
| I remember hearing about it when I was like 10 or something like that, going, what the fuck is that? | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Who are you hanging out with? | ||
| Weirdos. | ||
| Fishing. | ||
| The guy when you were fishing. | ||
| Strange people. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was 13 with that guy. | ||
| The Hoover salesman from Different Strokes. | ||
| You're lucky you can't get pregnant, dude. | ||
| That guy was... | ||
| He'd be a mama. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's trying to give you the trout. | ||
| He's a big fellow, too. | ||
| Salmon. | ||
| The northern pike. | ||
| Salmon rusty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's giving you that northern pike, dude. | |
| The old blowfish. | ||
| Hey, we should go fishing. | ||
| Oh, I'd love to go fishing. | ||
| Ari and I went fishing in Alaska. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| We've got to do outside Salt Lake. | ||
| We haven't gone since then. | ||
| We haven't gone since then. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| We went salmon fishing. | ||
| We had such a blast. | ||
| We've got great pictures. | ||
| I'd love to do that. | ||
| We could eat it after. | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| The mosquitoes were insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Insane. | |
| In Alaska? | ||
| Yeah, they're terrible. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| 2014, maybe? | ||
| We had bug spray, and look at that, Northern Pike eating another Northern Pike. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| It looks like a two docking. | ||
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| Is that the picture of Ari Salmon? | ||
| That's what it says. | ||
| Click on it. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| That can't be what it is. | ||
| No, if you go to Instagram, that's the actual picture. | ||
| Somebody else stuck that in there. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| You caught that? | ||
| Nice pull there, Jewface. | ||
| Big Jew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2013. Wow. | |
| 13. 10 years ago, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We haven't gone in 10 years. | |
| We haven't gone since then. | ||
| It was so nice. | ||
| We saw a moose. | ||
| Yeah, we saw a moose. | ||
| Northern kike. | ||
| We saw eagles. | ||
| That was my first time to see eagles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| That was my first time seeing an eagle in the wild. | ||
| It was just Ari's nose. | ||
| America! | ||
| Look, you get the Bud Light cans out. | ||
| You're not even hiding them anymore. | ||
| There's nothing to be ashamed of, dude. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| There's nothing to be ashamed of. | ||
| I feel like you should be the new spokesperson. | ||
| You can turn this motherfucker around. | ||
| They better hurry up and give me some money or I'm going to start drinking Coors. | ||
| We were talking about the ways they could turn it around last night, remember? | ||
| Yeah, you had a pretty good idea. | ||
| What was the idea? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Fair. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It was an idea that if they did it, their stocks would go through the roof, but the country would actually... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It would start a war. | ||
| It would start off... | ||
| The most innocuous one I had was Pepe the Frog holding a Bud Light and it says, feels bad, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Pepe... | ||
| Just release that. | ||
| People would go, I'm listening. | ||
| I'm listening. | ||
| Where you going with this? | ||
| Like if Bud Light turns full heel like Hulk Hogan did... | ||
| NWO? Hollywood? | ||
|
unidentified
|
With the black mustache, blonde hair. | |
| They went full heel. | ||
| They did already have the frog stuff. | ||
| They do! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have the rights! | |
| Isn't it wild that that fucking poor dude, his car, that guy was like this little liberal fella. | ||
| It'd be funny if the frogs were like, sheen. | ||
| I don't allow that. | ||
| Then we're definitely going to use it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he tried to kill off his frogs if they're going to stop using it. | |
| If you go to Truth Social, how many frog avatars are there? | ||
| It's quite a few. | ||
| It has to be, right? | ||
| I've never gone. | ||
| Where would you get the most frog avatar? | ||
| It would be a 4chan thing, more than anything, right? | ||
| They love picking out a random image and just saying, this now means this. | ||
| And it doesn't, but they're just like, this one was the greatest, the A-OK. That was Arabic. | ||
| You know about that one? | ||
| That one's insane. | ||
| That one's insane. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| White supremacy. | ||
| White power. | ||
| And that guy got fired, that truck driver. | ||
| A Mexican guy was like, hey, took a photo. | ||
| And they started showing Steph Curry doing this. | ||
| And they're like, wait, hold on. | ||
| Maybe we've got it wrong. | ||
| A lot of guys told me that if you do that on your pants, and someone looks, they hit you in the dick. | ||
| And the dick in the arm. | ||
| Ow, I didn't look! | ||
| Review the tape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Review the tape! | |
| I did not look! | ||
| Bro, he got a clean shot off of you. | ||
| Punch buggy. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| I didn't look. | ||
| I didn't look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So rude. | |
| I didn't look. | ||
| I'll review the tape. | ||
| I might have punched you too hard. | ||
| My bad. | ||
| He slightly turned his head in a conversational manner in your direction. | ||
| Jamie, can you review the tape right now? | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I'm not sure I had the camera on you. | ||
| Too reflection, dude? | ||
| I don't even know what's down there. | ||
| Who did that? | ||
| When did that start? | ||
| I never was around. | ||
| That was big. | ||
| You didn't do that in high school? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I never did that. | |
| That was huge in high school. | ||
| What's the capital of Thailand? | ||
| Get him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bangkok. | |
| Bangkok. | ||
| That was a classic. | ||
| You're good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what's he doing? | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| Me and Matt McCusker have been working on this one. | ||
| When you're ordering dinner and the waiter comes over and is like, what would you like for dinner? | ||
| You go, I'd like a hot dog. | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| And you sexually assault the waiter. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| You go, I'd like a hot dog. | ||
| He's got three bucks an hour. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| And now this. | ||
| He's gotta be nice because he still wants you to tip him. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's like, alright guys. | ||
| Now I told you, I got Adam with it last night. | ||
| My dad. | ||
| This is one of the most uncomfortable things that's ever had. | ||
| We were at a fucking restaurant, and we're talking to the hostess. | ||
| This was like a very cute girl, and I was talking to her a little, and my dad came over and goes, Shane, you see where the horse bit me? | ||
| And he went like this, so I go, to look over his shoulder, and he goes... | ||
| Right in front of this girl. | ||
| That would have got me. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| You can get everybody. | ||
| What a misdirect. | ||
| You see where the horse bit me? | ||
| Or you go, dude, look how fucking sunburned I am. | ||
| Do girls do things like that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| No. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| They do not. | ||
| Grab each other's butts and boobs. | ||
| Girls will get mad at each other. | ||
| Give each other a vag grab. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| Hey, you fucking cunt. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Grabbing your dicks okay? | ||
| Pussies in the wild? | ||
| Oh, in the wild. | ||
| I'm saying when you're out walking around, you touch one of those things, you go, oh my god. | ||
| It's very, it's like seafood. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta go home. | ||
| Octopus. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| I like pussies, too. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a fan. | |
| I'm convinced. | ||
| We sound like the gayest guys. | ||
| I like pussies. | ||
| I actually love having sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro, there's this one guy that I knew was gay, but he didn't want to admit he was gay. | |
| Jamie. | ||
| Everybody knew he was gay. | ||
| I mean, he was a great guy, but he told me this story about making out with this girl in a club. | ||
| And the way I describe it to my friends is like, if you told me all the words in French, but I didn't know what they meant, and I said them, even though I said them right, you'd be like, something's wrong. | ||
| Yeah, I saw her and just looked at me and just started fucking making out in the middle of the club. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| It was so hot, kissing. | ||
| I'm like, I don't think this happened, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do not think that- He's doing an impression of what he's overheard. | |
| I support the gay community. | ||
| You don't have to do this to me. | ||
| Yeah, just be gay. | ||
| I like gay people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fine, man. | |
| It's fine. | ||
| You don't have to do this. | ||
| Be gay fucking rules. | ||
| Bro, the saddest shit ever, though, is gay guys that are in the closet. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We know a few of them. | |
| That does suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Ari. | ||
| Because they can't, they just fucking, they've been holding onto it for so long. | ||
| You guys hide it. | ||
| Yeah, they're just used to it. | ||
| It's nutty. | ||
| Kevin Meany wait till his dad dies. | ||
| Fez wait till his dad dies. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| Imagine not knowing that Fez was gay. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine. | |
| Imagine. | ||
| Wait, who's Fez? | ||
| Ronald Fez. | ||
| He's gay? | ||
| He was gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was. | |
| He's dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Good. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fez. | |
| He was a walking trumpet. | ||
| Oh, Fez was gay! | ||
| I had no idea! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could light a cigarette off of that dude. | |
| Light a fag. | ||
| Alright, well, we're going to have to cut all this. | ||
| Don't let people know he's gay. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| He was. | ||
| What, did he get AIDS? Ron and Fez were great. | ||
| I used to love them. | ||
| They came out to O&A and it was like, wait, what's this now? | ||
| And Ron was a great, like, he was a real fan of comedy. | ||
| Shout out Radio Ron. | ||
| Good comic, too. | ||
| He does The Cellar all the time. | ||
| He's killer. | ||
| Oh, I didn't even know he was a comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| I didn't know Fez was gay. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And he loves New York. | ||
| When they tore down the stand, because the whole building sold with the stand, was like, we have a five-year contract. | ||
| They're like, buy us out. | ||
| It's the only way. | ||
| And then they eventually tore it down. | ||
| He goes, yeah, so fucking rich people can live higher in the clouds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm gonna fuck it up and I'm gonna make it not that funny, but it's a joke I think it's one of those jokes I think about constantly. | ||
| Ron has a joke about He was walking down the street in a crane in New York collapsed and almost fell like almost hit him He had to like run and he's like New York's so fucking crazy that I forgot that happened And then I was at home watching the news with his wife who he was with his wife or I don't know if he's married, but he was like Oh shit, I was there. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| Yeah, it makes me laugh. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| He's very funny. | ||
| He had one, he had one, just about like, somebody called and was like, hey, you haven't been funny all morning. | ||
| And his response, he just goes, so? | ||
| It was such an end of the conversation. | ||
| Ron Bennington's Unmasked with Patrice O'Neil is the best. | ||
| Unmasked is so good. | ||
| He's Unmasked with Norton. | ||
| Everything I did on podcasting was just mimicked off that. | ||
| Great broadcaster. | ||
| Isn't that interesting what podcasting is now? | ||
| What that was? | ||
| It's an unusual thing. | ||
| Just sit down and just talk to someone one-on-one. | ||
| And as a young comic, there was none of that. | ||
| On comedy CDs? | ||
| I used to listen to that. | ||
| It was like Woody Allen, Seinfeld. | ||
| And now young comics have so much. | ||
| It's like a wealth that never ends. | ||
| They get to listen to us four masters. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
fucking guys gay oh the true masters like an octopus loose lips yeah they have so much more to go on So much more to watch, too. | |
| That's the most amazing thing. | ||
| It was hard to get a hold of a good VHS back then. | ||
| You had to loan CDs to each other. | ||
| You heard a good CD of somebody. | ||
| I never even saw a comedy. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Only listen. | ||
| When did you see it? | ||
| The first two specials I remember was Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia's Comedy Central Presents. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| And I remember sitting there going, God damn, this is it. | ||
| That's the top of the mountain. | ||
| Yeah, I never saw shit. | ||
| Yeah, Comedy Central put a lot of stuff on for people who didn't have HBO. Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, those half hours were huge. | ||
| When I got on Comedy Central, I did my Comedy Central special on 2014. The idea was like, if I did it anywhere else, we'd get less people to see it. | ||
| More people would see it on Comedy Central. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Comedy Central was huge back then. | ||
| Huge! | ||
| I watched all those. | ||
| Arch Barker, Doug Benson. | ||
| How did they fuck that up? | ||
| I'll tell ya. | ||
| They didn't adapt. | ||
| This is not happening. | ||
| When they got rid of Ari Shaffir, who was the host of This Is Not Happening, because he got a superior deal. | ||
| He got a superior deal at Netflix and they wouldn't allow him to continue to show. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| They were like, they lost their fucking minds. | ||
| Like you were saying, sometimes Jews hate Jews. | ||
| True. | ||
| It was Norwegians. | ||
| They didn't run that company. | ||
| Comedy Central was run by Norwegians? | ||
| The funniest people alive. | ||
| We were trying to figure out, you were going to pay everybody? | ||
| We're trying to figure out how to do it the right way. | ||
| They blackmailed me. | ||
| They were trying to hold it over my head. | ||
| They were going like, we're going to fire everybody, your whole crew that's been around for five years. | ||
| We're going to fire them with two weeks out. | ||
| Good luck paying their rent. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Or you fucking comply. | ||
| They said it that way? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Or you comply and you fucking turn down this Netflix deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, I was like, no fucking way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, Rogan was like, I'll host an episode for free. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I thought I'd help you. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| You were going to do a bunch of people. | ||
| Yeah, I said, well, we'll get a bunch of people that are your friends. | ||
| We'll host them for free. | ||
| They go, no. | ||
| They were so mad. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then they... | ||
| They went full... | ||
| They just collapsed. | ||
| What are they doing now? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I mean, if you looked at the drop-off of Comedy Central, it's gotta be insane. | ||
| Dude, think about it. | ||
| They had Chappelle Show. | ||
| South Park and Chappelle Show. | ||
| Man Show. | ||
| Daily Show. | ||
| I was on South Park. | ||
| It's probably the only thing that keeps them alive. | ||
| I think they're more... | ||
| They're just a studio now. | ||
| They take their stuff and sell it off. | ||
| They make more money. | ||
| Tosh.0 was gigantic. | ||
| What happened to Tosh? | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| He's around. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's an underrated comic. | ||
| Most underrated. | ||
| Solid comic. | ||
| Great comic. | ||
| Is he doing stand-up? | ||
| Because he's so known for the show that people... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that rape thing fucked him up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What happened? | ||
| The joke he had about that joke was great. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but I had a joke about that, too. | ||
| About his thing? | ||
| Yeah, about the cancel thing. | ||
| That was 2014. Yeah. | ||
| It was early. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like he fell off after that. | ||
| There was a petition to get him fired and take the show away. | ||
| I don't think that he fell off, dude. | ||
| I think he's doing all these theaters. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| He's on the road, fucking sold out places, going, what the fuck are these guys doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's doing the Mirage. | |
| He's doing the Mirage, yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| All right, good for Tosh. | ||
| Peace. | ||
| Still killing it. | ||
| That was one I listened to constantly. | ||
| That was like when I was in college, when he was... | ||
| They had great writers. | ||
| I was just listening to all of his albums. | ||
| Same. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| He has a new spell. | ||
| Not new, but his latest. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| It's great, but no one talked about it. | ||
| It was on Comedy Central, that's why. | ||
| It's called People Pleaser. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's like Rory Wood. | ||
| They locked him up in this deal, and then the whole thing collapsed, and he's like, it's still like, I guess I'm still supposed to perform at the World Trade Center. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So here's what's fucked up, is that you didn't have a deal to do a special there. | ||
| You didn't have an exclusive deal. | ||
| That was so insidious about it. | ||
| You had the option to go other places. | ||
| I could do whatever I wanted. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And they're like, no way. | ||
| And then they said, I was like, guys, it'll bring more viewers to the show. | ||
| They go, we think our show will bring more viewers to Netflix. | ||
| Which at the time. | ||
| Good call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| All of them work at Netflix now, by the way. | ||
| Yeah, some of them do. | ||
| That's the thing about all of them. | ||
| They all get to, they just get to pack, like they go somewhere else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| They go to work in comedy. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They go to something else. | ||
| You know what I should have done? | ||
| I didn't do it. | ||
| What I should have done is I have access to a giant platform. | ||
| I'm just going to go and publicly say to the public. | ||
| I guess that's how you say it. | ||
| They're like, hey, they're doing this. | ||
| What do you guys think? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe we should have done that. | ||
| I stayed quiet. | ||
| Yeah, I should have gone wild with it. | ||
| Well, you were still trying to salvage it. | ||
| I was going to pay everybody. | ||
| I was like, sweet, I'll sell it. | ||
| I was going to borrow a bunch of money from you. | ||
| They're like, why would he give it to you? | ||
| I'm like, he'll give it to me. | ||
| I'll pay it back, but he'll give it to me. | ||
| And then just pay all these employees and be like, no, I'm still doing my... | ||
| Yeah, we talked about that. | ||
| I was totally willing to do that. | ||
| We're just going to pay him off. | ||
| Yeah, you were the first guy to do the, you didn't get hired, then you got a bunch of views on YouTube, then you got hired. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had to go around the system to get Norman on. | ||
| They were like, we can't fly anybody out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, Norman, can you just plan a trip to LA? And I did. | ||
| And be like an LA hire? | ||
| And you were like, yeah, okay. | ||
| I also fucked the makeup girl. | ||
| Hey, easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sick, dude. | |
| That one stripper really liked you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, well. | ||
| You're a handsome devil, dude. | ||
| You are, you cute little butt. | ||
| Then they, god damn, they gotta hang out with you. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| Then they see the pack of notes and they start to reconsider. | ||
| He made the pack smaller after we criticized him. | ||
| It got through to him. | ||
| Well, I got made fun of on the road. | ||
| He was like, pull out the joke book! | ||
| And they would all die laughing. | ||
| So I cut it down. | ||
| That's way less crazy. | ||
| Please let him see it. | ||
| The wallet, though. | ||
| What the fuck is in your wallet? | ||
| What is in there? | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Business cards, newspapers. | ||
| What do you call it? | ||
| Spot pay. | ||
| Why don't you get a money clip? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| You don't know what a money clip is? | ||
| I know what it is, but... | ||
| Keep it in your front pocket. | ||
| What am I, gay? | ||
| Come on, I can't do a money clip? | ||
| He's got a point. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Money clips are gay. | ||
| It's a gambling thing. | ||
| Unless you've got a monocle. | ||
| It's not allowed. | ||
| You're a fucking Monopoly guy. | ||
| The right money clip really is a rubber band. | ||
| No, I got three more of these, I got a free smoothie. | ||
| I can't money flip that. | ||
| You're out of your mind, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're out of your fucking mind. | |
| He's got 20 grand on a three-hole punch for a fucking free smoothie. | ||
| Those smoothies are $9.99. | ||
| I go to the same coffee shop every day and I don't do a punch card. | ||
| I'd feel worse going, could you punch my card? | ||
| Oh, you get over it. | ||
| I'd pay $5 on the tenth one to go. | ||
| I'm waiting to cash this puppy in, too. | ||
| Olive Garden. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's all right, man. | ||
| We'll come with you. | ||
| All right, you got it. | ||
| Breadsticks. | ||
| Do you use those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's why they're still in there. | ||
| Dude, Norman is way jewier than anyone you know. | ||
| You can hear the pussy's drying up. | ||
| Today we got lunch. | ||
| Me and Mark got lunch. | ||
| I had three french fries left. | ||
| The guy came to take it, and he goes, no, no, no. | ||
| He ate three of my french fries. | ||
| Can't let those go. | ||
| Those are truffle. | ||
| We're at Bonnaroo. | ||
| We're staying late because they drove everybody home. | ||
| Norman was off doing a Norman adventure. | ||
| Comes back at like 1 a.m. | ||
| There's a staff party. | ||
| Crawfish boil, whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was over four hours ago. | ||
| He comes back and says, wow, I got the craziest thing to tell you. | ||
| Ah, you wasted all these heads! | ||
| Oh, sucking the heads. | ||
| You can't let that go to waste. | ||
| Yeah, you're fucked up. | ||
| The heads are good. | ||
| He never changed. | ||
| We had no food in my house as a child. | ||
| That camp, dude, you guys had food. | ||
| We didn't have food. | ||
| We had evaporated milk or powdered milk. | ||
| He was just looking in the wrong drawer. | ||
| Wait, this isn't the fucking... | ||
| This is... | ||
| 2005. What are you talking about? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He was poor. | ||
| You were that poor from the 30s. | ||
| 2005. I was in college. | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| But I didn't have any food. | ||
| You guys had evaporated milk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I mean, we had it amongst the... | ||
| Well, we had powdered milk. | ||
| Chunky soups. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| We had a lot of grilling. | ||
| You had chunky? | ||
| Yeah, but you were talking about powdered milk, right? | ||
| Yeah, powdered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| What was I saying? | ||
| Powdered milk. | ||
| I said evaporated milk. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You'd get powdered milk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was cheap. | |
| Yeah, powdered milk? | ||
| I remember growing up having it. | ||
| Yeah, water to it. | ||
| Yeah, tap water to it. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty rough. | ||
| So you're just drinking fluoride and powdered milk. | ||
| How calcium? | ||
| Is it like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not even supposed to drink tap water. | |
| What? | ||
| You should absolutely filter your tap water. | ||
| That's all I drink is tap water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's so safe. | ||
| That's my least favorite thing about New York people. | ||
| New York tap water! | ||
| It's the best tap water. | ||
| It's fucking tap water. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Get a Brita. | ||
| Get a filter. | ||
| We had lead pipes. | ||
| They just got them up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Lead poisoning? | ||
| Yeah, we had lead pipes. | ||
| If you turn on your faucet and brown comes out, what are you talking about? | ||
| The pipes, maybe. | ||
| The water's fine. | ||
| They used to use lead paint until they realized kids were getting really stupid. | ||
| They're like, hey, what's going on here? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was the original autism. | ||
| Yeah, asbestos. | ||
| Lead paint. | ||
| We used to tell kids, oh, he ate paint. | ||
| Right, paint chips. | ||
| Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tommy Boy. | ||
| That was a thing, man. | ||
| Lead paint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, lead paint. | ||
| Do you know that lead gasoline, before they made unleaded gasoline, lowered everyone's IQ in cities? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Really? | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Just lead poisoning. | ||
| Secondhand. | ||
| Like literal lead poisoning from the sky. | ||
| Send it to China. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because those cars were disgusting. | ||
| They had no fucking, no protection. | ||
| They would put up blue fucking powder fumes out of the back of it. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was all awful. | |
| And you just breathe in it. | ||
| You're breathing in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Oh, is that that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the lead paint thing. | ||
| Yeah, the bell. | ||
| You would breathe in lead. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| Like, lowered IQ. Here it is. | ||
| Lead exposure in last century shrank IQ scores of half of Americans. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Wow, the 40s! | ||
| Leaded gasoline calculations have stolen over 800 million cumulative IQ points since the 1940s. | ||
| Holy hell! | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| A lot of the great old artists died of lead poisoning. | ||
| Led Zeppelin. | ||
| Lead was the first additive to gasoline to help cars engine healthy. | ||
| However, automotive health came at a great expense of our own well-being. | ||
| When did that happen when they switched to unleaded? | ||
| Because I seem to remember it like when I was in high school, if you had a muscle car, you wanted to get leaded gas. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who gets leaded? | ||
| Lead-related health problems. | ||
| I'd be so badass now to get a leaded car. | ||
| Such as faster aging of the brain, leaded gas for cars was banned in the U.S. in 1996. Wow. | ||
| Man, that's pretty late. | ||
| That's late. | ||
| 1996. Yep, but researchers said that anyone born before the end of that era, and especially the peak of its use in the 1960s, that's me, and the 1970s, had concernably high lead exposures as children. | ||
| That's me, bro. | ||
| That's why you have patients with nerds. | ||
| Yeah, with dorks. | ||
| Yeah, from dorks. | ||
| Lead exposure. | ||
| Tough times. | ||
| Isn't that fucked? | ||
| I could have been way smarter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| You think they'll do that with... | ||
| You're underachieving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Have you tried paint? | ||
| I could have been so fucking smart. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| You think they'll do that with the internet at some point? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Because everybody's killing it. | ||
| These girls are killing themselves. | ||
| Everybody's depressed. | ||
| Oh, girls are killing themselves? | ||
| Yeah, Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, it's been a big factor in self-harm for kids. | ||
| If you look at the invention of social media on, there's a giant spike. | ||
| There's a great book about it. | ||
| Lack of privacy, seeing your friends doing better things, parties you're not invited to, seeing pictures of the parties you weren't invited to instead of just hearing about it later. | ||
| No, it's fucking crazy if you really think about it. | ||
| Those filters, like TikTok, my daughter was complaining about it yesterday. | ||
| They don't show your real face. | ||
| They put a filter on automatically. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, when you do stuff on TikTok, it changes the way your face looks. | ||
| It smooths out your skin. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It makes you look prettier. | ||
| And so everybody's comparing what they see in the mirror to what they see on Instagram. | ||
| To the prom version of other people. | ||
| They look like shit, yeah. | ||
| But I thought Big was beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, everyone has this fake old L.A. kind of stripper fake. | ||
| It's all devoid of character. | ||
| When I see a guy use those filters, I immediately dismiss everything you say. | ||
| Yeah, it's a British cigarette. | ||
| You're wearing a filter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you're doing your selfies, you're taking pictures. | ||
| It's like putting makeup on. | ||
| It's worse. | ||
| It's a mask. | ||
| It's like you're hiding. | ||
| This is fake. | ||
| When you see people do it, you're like, what are you doing? | ||
| Do you not know that everybody knows that? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| It's like having giant fake eyelashes. | ||
| Everybody knows. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| It doesn't look good. | ||
| It looks crazy. | ||
| You've got a filter on your face. | ||
| You look like a cartoon. | ||
| You look like a cartoon, but it looks good. | ||
| It is like those people who get plastic surgery. | ||
| It looks fine. | ||
| Everyone else is like, no way! | ||
| They all look crazy. | ||
| Well, the thing is, like, some plastic surgery looks good. | ||
| I've seen some women. | ||
| They're all going for that. | ||
| They, like, get jowls or hang in their eyelids, and then they get tucked up nice. | ||
| Not crazy, but nice. | ||
| And they look way better. | ||
| Like, there's guys out there that are masters. | ||
| But then there's monsters. | ||
| One step down. | ||
| The filler monsters. | ||
| But why these millionaires get bad surgery? | ||
| How did you find that? | ||
| Michael Jackson, it's body dysmorphia. | ||
| You go crazy. | ||
| You don't know what you're seeing. | ||
| And the doctor's like, I don't think we can do what you're asking. | ||
| Just try it. | ||
| They gotta do it. | ||
| Yeah, that's one guy you never hear bragging. | ||
| Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. | ||
| Who the fuck was that guy? | ||
| That guy was like, I'll do it, but you can't tell anybody. | ||
| That's the opposite of the Kardashians surgery. | ||
| The Kardashians all have great surgery. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| If you look at what they did, they shaped their fucking skulls. | ||
| Bruce Jenner looks great. | ||
| The Jenners, the kids, they shaped their skulls. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They trimmed their jaw down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The kids do? | ||
| Like Caitlyn or all those? | ||
| The little ones. | ||
| There's photos of her before and after. | ||
| Wait, is Kaelin the... | ||
| Kaelin's the girl that was a guy. | ||
| Bruce. | ||
| Okay, so Kendall. | ||
| She's the hottest. | ||
| She's the one dating the trample guy? | ||
| Yeah, the Houston Astro guy. | ||
| People get surgery on their fucking jaws. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| They get their jaws trimmed down to narrow their face. | ||
| Didn't Dylan Mulvaney, your favorite Bud Light drinker, didn't that person do that? | ||
| I think they got feminizing surgery. | ||
| It's similar. | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's Kid Rock's Arch Enemy. | ||
| Can I ask what happened with that thing? | ||
| Because I never saw a single Bud Light can. | ||
| I just heard about it all. | ||
| I own one. | ||
| You do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Facial feminization. | ||
| Wait, you got one? | ||
| I got one. | ||
| How? | ||
| From where? | ||
| eBay. | ||
| You have to order it. | ||
| Oh, it was not cheap. | ||
| But I think it's going to go way up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This will be the demise of the company. | ||
| Someone from Coors is gonna buy that for you for a million dollars. | ||
| Bring it on, Coors! | ||
| Everlasting gop-stopper. | ||
| It's my Dogecoin. | ||
| I mean, they made everybody else make more money. | ||
| And they've lost like some insane amount, like something like in the 20-plus percent of sales. | ||
| Six billion. | ||
| Which is so crazy. | ||
| And so what did they- they wanted to go all faces on these cans, dude. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| One lady sent one... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| ...Dylan Mulvaney can, because they were like, oh, this is a viral person. | ||
| It was just like a minor... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It wasn't a commercial. | |
| Is it like sending you a Phillies Gillis shirt? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Jersey? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was a year of being a woman. | ||
| Here's your reward. | ||
| Gender fluid. | ||
| And so why does everyone care that much? | ||
| Because it's funny. | ||
| It is funny. | ||
| It's something to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's something to do. | |
| It's funny. | ||
| If you order a Bud Light, people go, what is it, your period? | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| It's hard out here, dude. | ||
| People are shotgunning. | ||
| I've read that bar owners are stopping. | ||
| They won't carry it because people who want it and buy it are getting attacked. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| It would start a fight. | ||
| You order a Bud Light at a bar and someone's like, what are you fucking gay? | ||
| What are you doing when you go to bars now? | ||
| Dude, I stay in... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| No one's going to beat up somebody for supporting trans in New York. | ||
| But on stage, it's tough. | ||
| Bringing a Bud Light on stage, now somebody's going to yell. | ||
| It's going to be a subject. | ||
| You've got to get the draft. | ||
| This is the Texas edition. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Well, they're going to sell camo Bud Lights now. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Turn it around. | ||
| Turn it around, bro. | ||
| Show a dead Arab. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Let's go. | ||
| You can't even see the dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Camo. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a non-thing, but it became a joke, and that's tough to overcome, marketing-wise. | ||
| It's tough to get people to order a Bud Light publicly because you're going to get made fun of. | ||
| It'll be forgotten in a month. | ||
| No. | ||
| Two months? | ||
| It's going to be a while. | ||
| A year, no one will remember it, really. | ||
| You'll make a joke on stage and be like, what? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's just my cross to bear, dude. | ||
| You guys are crazy. | ||
| It's going to hang in there for a long time. | ||
| This is going to be one of them cultural things. | ||
| There's never been a brand that got hit like this before. | ||
| They'll be back. | ||
| This is a big deal. | ||
| They'll do some titty shots. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| They're gonna get saved this month. | ||
| Everyone's gonna remember that lady saying that we gotta get away from the fratty sense of humor. | ||
| She was fired. | ||
| We gotta be more inclusive. | ||
| Was she fired? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Definitely? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She's out. | ||
| Well, they're gonna be fired. | ||
| It's real hard to argue with that one. | ||
| She works at Comedy Central. | ||
| I swear to God, though, they'll be saved this month. | ||
| Every single company on Earth is going to do a gay commercial all of June. | ||
| They've already done it. | ||
| Miller Lite, Starbucks, Ford. | ||
| Yeah, they're all doing it. | ||
| Raptor did a gay commercial. | ||
| I saw that one. | ||
| Raptor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The truck. | ||
| Redefining tough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they did it because one poster... | ||
| The show market to really, like, farmer-y lesbians. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Can you let me finish? | ||
| One poster did it because one guy wrote a homophobic comment on one of the Bud Light Raptor Ranger trucks. | ||
| Don't regret that comment. | ||
| And so they came up with this fucking whole campaign to counter that. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Hey, that's a good looking truck! | ||
| Very gay Raptor. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Literally. | ||
| It says it. | ||
| Hashtag very gay raptor. | ||
| That's the worst dinosaur ever. | ||
| Scroll up so I can see the top of the top. | ||
| The Ford's Redefining Tough Rainbow Raptor commercial goes viral. | ||
| Sparks online backlash. | ||
| But barely. | ||
| Yeah, barely. | ||
| When are these journalists going to actually write the story and not the small percentage backlash? | ||
| I think that's the raptor. | ||
| The Raptor Ranger, isn't it? | ||
| Is that the Raptor Ranger? | ||
| It's a good-looking truck. | ||
| I think the Raptor Ranger is the smaller one, and I think that's where somebody said something like, yeah, Ranger Raptor, that's what it is. | ||
| So someone said something, oh, it's the gay Raptor, because it's the smaller Raptor. | ||
| Some fucking moron. | ||
| True, he was right. | ||
| It's the gay Raptor. | ||
| And so they actually painted it in gay colors. | ||
| There's big gays out there. | ||
| The very gay Raptor. | ||
| Everyone's having a good time. | ||
| Everyone's having a good time so far. | ||
| Shane's number one fan. | ||
| Ford sucks. | ||
| I always knew them trucks was queer. | ||
| That's Chevy all the way. | ||
| They got them. | ||
| That's the pronoun. | ||
| No one's not gonna buy Raptors. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, Raptors are cool. | ||
| They're the shit. | ||
| They're the shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had one of those. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| But why do these companies feel like they have to do it? | ||
| Because to me it's just unoriginal. | ||
| I feel like they're doing it for a small percentage online, like media, for whatever, and then people are like, ooh, let's get that and push that other places. | ||
| I know the answer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's the women. | ||
| They're hiring chicks from college. | ||
| They're like, oh, we need to hire women in our company. | ||
| Who's going to college to study marketing? | ||
| All these fucking college chicks. | ||
| We'll get them in, and then they, right away, they just fucking... | ||
| But why does a woman want to work at a Ford? | ||
| Because it's a marketing job. | ||
| They take it anywhere. | ||
| It's not like she's in the fucking factory. | ||
| It's not like she loves Ford. | ||
| Marketing people don't get a job at tampons because they love tampons. | ||
| Yeah, people who work at Geico don't love... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We think about that because that's what we do. | ||
| We do what we love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Yeah, you're just lucky. | ||
| You're just lucky. | ||
| Most people live and suck. | ||
| Most people will get drunk with their friends at work. | ||
| Most people live and suck. | ||
| This is a job. | ||
| What we're doing is a job. | ||
| It's funny the difference between the people, the Venn diagram of dudes who get drunk at work with their friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like us, and then it's like the lowest possible. | |
| It's like dude, Pol Pot's army. | ||
| It's like dude, fuck it! | ||
| Garbage, man. | ||
| You know what's weird about the couple that got beat up, it says? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Who got beat up? | ||
| It says a couple was beat up for allegedly purchasing Bud Light. | ||
| Aw, that's horrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's happened in Canada, but you didn't say allegedly beat up. | |
| They said allegedly purchasing There's no there's no evidence and anything I'm reading that says that they even had Bud Light they did not they would mistakenly were Picked out of a crowd apparently those those guys the paint huffers Well, these are the guys get silver painter on his face. | ||
| I beat him up apparently. | ||
| Yeah, he's a pain huffer He's out of his fucking mind. | ||
| Yeah, he thought he saw Bud Light. | ||
| So this story went crazy Wow, I think this is the only case I could find where this happened. | ||
| It might have happened somewhere else. | ||
| That was probably a douchebag that wanted to go beat up somebody for buying Bud Light, and nobody was buying it. | ||
| So he found this next best thing, which is Canadians. | ||
| It's like where he beat up Indians after 9-11. | ||
| He found some Canadians, like, they'll buy Bud Light. | ||
| Molson Blue's Bud Light, exactly. | ||
| Molson Blue. | ||
| Is that Bud Light? | ||
| Actually, no, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not. | |
| It's like, fuck off. | ||
| Molson's strong though, right? | ||
| Isn't Molson like 9%? | ||
| Higher percent. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Canadian beer is a higher percentage of alcohol. | ||
| Canadians drink. | ||
| They go hard. | ||
| They do. | ||
| It's cold. | ||
| Please do advice to all the people listening. | ||
| Don't try to keep up with the Canadian. | ||
| Or Shane Gillis. | ||
| Either or. | ||
| Either or. | ||
| I'm struggling. | ||
| Mushrooms are... | ||
| Really? | ||
| You feel something? | ||
| Getting involved, yeah. | ||
| I don't feel anything yet. | ||
| They're fully involved. | ||
| Maybe I'll take a halfie like you did. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| I'd take a stem. | ||
| Oh, with stems I could... | ||
| Yeah, you gotta eat one of those stems. | ||
| Stem cells. | ||
| Eat the other half of that chocolate again. | ||
| How much do you weigh, Norman? | ||
| I think he ate it. | ||
| 165, 170? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| How tall are you? | ||
| 510? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why are you sizing them up? | ||
| You want to go? | ||
| I don't think it's like a weight. | ||
| Alcohol is more like weight. | ||
| I don't think mushrooms are... | ||
| Oh, it's body mass. | ||
| Oh, it is? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| I mean, bloodstream, body mass. | ||
| It's getting absorbed. | ||
| It's going through your stomach. | ||
| I feel like some guy's bigger, hits him hard, smaller hits him hard, just depends on the person. | ||
| Yeah, it feels different. | ||
| But also, they're inconsistent. | ||
| They're inconsistent. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Intensity of psychedelic experience after taking psilocybin does not depend on body mass index, as studies suggest. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So what does it depend on? | ||
| Childhood? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trauma? | |
| I would assume that everything that you eat, they have dosages that are different for children with medication because you eat and swallow it and your body's different. | ||
| I would imagine that would be the same with everything. | ||
| I would imagine it would be the same with everything. | ||
| Certainly with alcohol. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, alcohol for sure, right? | ||
| Yeah, big guys take it. | ||
| Yeah, they can take it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a... | ||
| Weed it's not, though, right? | ||
| No, you ever meet a guy who can't get high? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Oh, you mean not able to get high? | ||
| Jamie can't get high off edibles. | ||
| What? | ||
| Have you ever had a slice of pizza with it? | ||
| Jamie has this crazy thing where he can eat like a thousand milligrams. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You can't get high. | ||
| I mean, to say what didn't feel a thing off of that is, that's a stretch, but like, I didn't feel what the fuck you're supposed to feel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A thousand milligrams, you should be done for a little bit. | |
| Yeah, you're obliterated. | ||
| A thousand milligrams, like you don't know how to turn your car. | ||
| It starts working after a thousand, I think, for me. | ||
| Diaz got me once, he gave me a 25 milligram edible, and I was like, alright, this is farther than I want to go, but I'm doing your podcast, so like, fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I'm like, you ever have something nagging at you? | ||
| And I was like, that fucking 25 was crooked. | ||
| And then I went over to it and peeled it off. | ||
| It was $2.50. | ||
| And he was like, 10 times a stretch. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| How'd he feel? | ||
| Were you on the moon? | ||
| Yeah, he broke Owen Lynch. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He broke Owen Lynch. | ||
| Owen legitimately was never the same person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yikes. | |
| Yeah, from that moment. | ||
| Yeah, legitimately. | ||
| What'd you do with that 250? | ||
| What'd you do the rest of the day? | ||
| I mean, I was gone there. | ||
| How long was the podcast? | ||
| The podcast was two hours. | ||
| Then he has this thing where it's like, I'm out! | ||
| See you guys! | ||
| I'm like, wait, what? | ||
| He just leaves you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I probably drove home, to be honest. | ||
| I probably eventually drove home, but I might have stayed with Lee for a while. | ||
| At least two hours, you're out of the void, and you're back on Earth after about two hours. | ||
| No. | ||
| That void is bad. | ||
| I hate that void. | ||
| Those breath strips, that was the whole six hours at UFC. That's a half of one. | ||
| What a nightmare. | ||
| That's one thing I don't do ever. | ||
| I never did the UFC high. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| You shouldn't. | ||
| No. | ||
| You should do it once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| Not work it. | ||
| You should come in the seats with us. | ||
| Oh, I've done that. | ||
| When I was in Austin, I was high as fuck. | ||
| I went to see it in Austin. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I love going to watch. | ||
| The really best place for me to watch, my favorite place to watch, is the Apex Center. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| The Apex Center is a small arena that the UFC built in Vegas for their Tuesday Night Contender Series, the Dana Series, and for the Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| So it's a smaller cage. | ||
| A smaller cage? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The cage is like 40% smaller. | ||
| There's only 100 people in the fucking room. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Like the Pearl used to be? | ||
| Dude, I saw Stipe Miocic fight Francis Ngannou. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| It was during the pandemic. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| The one he won or lost? | ||
| The one he won. | ||
| Francis won. | ||
| It was a destruction. | ||
| It was like the finest performance of Francis' career because he was patient and just moving forward and just a systematic destruction. | ||
| It's an amazing fight. | ||
| But play it because it's crazy. | ||
| There's no one there. | ||
| What? | ||
| You don't hear an audience cheer and scream. | ||
| It's COVID? Yeah, it's COVID. Oh, shit. | ||
| Dude, I feel so lucky to have been there during COVID. I always feel lucky. | ||
| It's the only sport going on. | ||
| But to be there during COVID, I'm the only one here. | ||
| It was just me and DC and Anik and the people that work the production. | ||
| We're just sitting there like, this is crazy. | ||
| We're watching Justin Gaethje versus Tony Ferguson in an arena. | ||
| An arena with no audience at all. | ||
| It's like watching some fucking musician's warm-up set. | ||
| Dude, it was incredible. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| Because you could hear every impact. | ||
| You could hear them breathing. | ||
| You could hear them talking. | ||
| They could hear you guys. | ||
| They could hear me 100%. | ||
| They could hear DC. What he needs to do is put his left foot down. | ||
| His head should be on the inside. | ||
| Like a fucking jujitsu roll. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They were like, you guys got to be quiet. | ||
| And he goes, yep, that would work. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| He had the bad hair. | ||
| Listen, there's no audience. | ||
| Look at the artists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These were weird times. | |
| These title fights, man, are the best. | ||
| There's no one there. | ||
| This is the heavyweight championship of the world. | ||
| It's in a small cage, which is terrible for Stipe. | ||
| Why do they make it a smaller cage? | ||
| Because they do it for all the fights there. | ||
| It's a smaller arena. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| We had a smaller cage that we used for the Ultimate Fighter back in the day when we fought at the Palm. | ||
| We had fights at the Palm. | ||
| The Pearl. | ||
| The Pearl at the Palm, right. | ||
| The Palm Casino. | ||
| Why is that bad for Stipe? | ||
| Because you've got to get away from that guy sometimes. | ||
| Any time you can't move backwards because there's a cage there, you've got to get away from that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
From which guy? | |
| Francis. | ||
| Francis is so destructive. | ||
| He's so terrifying. | ||
| It's still 1-1 though, right? | ||
| They never did a tiebreaker. | ||
| It's 1-1, right. | ||
| This was you seeing Francis trained by Extreme Couture now. | ||
| So he's with Eric Nixick, who's like a really intelligent, very, very good trainer. | ||
| And he's got him very patient. | ||
| And he's not just charging in like he did in the first fight. | ||
| He's like picking him apart. | ||
| So he's chopping at his legs. | ||
| Well, I'm just talking there about the smaller octagon. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, you can't be on mushrooms for this. | ||
| Yeah, this is a lot. | ||
| But to be there live, man, with no crowd, it was fucking incredible. | ||
| Stipe should have gotten a haircut. | ||
| 30% smaller. | ||
| Oh, that's gotta hurt. | ||
| Boy, he's a tough guy. | ||
| Dangerous. | ||
| And a fireman. | ||
| Look at those back muscles. | ||
| Oh, Stipe's an animal. | ||
| He's the most successful heavyweight champion of all time. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yes, 100%. | ||
| He goes down in the record books as the guy who defended the title the most ever. | ||
| He's a fucking animal. | ||
| He's beating everybody. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But, you know... | ||
| Time catches up to you. | ||
| Wars catch up to you. | ||
| And then Francis, who's a fucking monster. | ||
| Francis is just a monster. | ||
| He was ready. | ||
| He was ready. | ||
| He knew that was coming. | ||
| But now Francis has takedown defense. | ||
| Look at this defense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| Giant. | ||
| And then Francis spins around and gets his back. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| So this is Francis now that can grapple. | ||
| And he takes Stipe down and beats him up. | ||
| See, Francis... | ||
|
unidentified
|
After the first Stipe fight, he really, really, really evolved. | |
| He evolved every aspect of his game. | ||
| And he evolved his grappling, and he beat Cyril Ghosn grappling with one fucking knee, man. | ||
| His knee was destroyed. | ||
| And he beat one of the most dangerous heavyweight contenders in Cyril Ghosn. | ||
| Francis, like right now, it's a big loss in my mind, like him going over to the PFL. It really bums me out. | ||
| I understand it. | ||
| I'm happy he's gonna get paid. | ||
| I'm happy he's gonna get to box. | ||
| But I loved watching this guy fight in the UFC. He was a fucking monster. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Cyril gone in 60 seconds. | ||
| He was so good, dude. | ||
| And he is so good. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's gonna be interesting. | ||
| I just don't know who they're gonna have him fight. | ||
| Cyril gone with a win. | ||
| So that, anyway, go to the end of it, just so you can see the knockout. | ||
| Zero gone, baby gone? | ||
| That was, uh... | ||
| Zero gone, girl. | ||
| Sorry, we're having fun. | ||
| I'm on mushrooms. | ||
| If you were eating edibles... | ||
| Here's the end of it. | ||
| If you were eating edibles here... | ||
| Who would you rather fuck? | ||
| This is which round now? | ||
| This is the second round. | ||
| This is where he stopped him. | ||
| Old Herb Dean. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Dude, right through. | ||
| Right through the defenses. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| How does he take, though? | ||
| He's got a chin. | ||
| He's throwing him back. | ||
| Oh, that hurt. | ||
| I can't watch. | ||
| It shows training. | ||
| The training was good. | ||
| Imagine if comedians had coaches. | ||
| We'd be so much better. | ||
| We'd be better. | ||
| Hey, hey, there's someone in the crowd you can go to. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You should have switched to that joke. | ||
| You should have gone to that joke. | ||
| Don't, don't, don't. | ||
| That lady's going to stalk. | ||
| Some guys do that where they kind of hire people to work their material with them. | ||
| Chris Rock always did that. | ||
| He would do his sets and have a group of guys that he paid to go over the material with them. | ||
| But I mean, on stage, if you could freeze a coach, he'd be like, don't go into that now. | ||
| Get cleaner, get cleaner. | ||
| It's too dirty, too dirty. | ||
| I would never want that. | ||
| You wouldn't want it, but it would help. | ||
| It would help. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It would help if you sucked. | ||
| If one person told me, yeah. | ||
| If you sucked and you couldn't figure out what to do. | ||
| But also, the Chris Rock strategy is a very good idea. | ||
| Just do your sets, do your material, but then have guys that you can bounce stuff off of. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| We kind of all do that anyway, right? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| We were doing it last night where I was talking about the cult. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We do that all the time. | ||
| I know a comedian. | ||
| Run jokes past each other. | ||
| He's an arena guy. | ||
| I'm not going to say who. | ||
| He has ten writers in the green room after a show. | ||
| They all go in the green room. | ||
| They punch him up. | ||
| They work on stuff. | ||
| And he still sucks. | ||
| So I'm like, what's going on there? | ||
| Well, imagine how bad he would suck if he didn't do that. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| But he was good. | ||
| That's the weird thing. | ||
| He started out, you have to be good at the beginning to make it. | ||
| You have to break through. | ||
| We'll talk later. | ||
| I want to know who this is. | ||
| Can we pause this? | ||
| No, I'll tell you later. | ||
| I'll tell you later. | ||
| I can delete it. | ||
| Let's pause it right now. | ||
| Pause it. | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Fucked up. | ||
| Dude, those things kicked in. | ||
| Kicked in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that a beautiful place to be, though? | ||
| Yeah, it was a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, come on, dude. | |
| Don't do that. | ||
| You were 45 times. | ||
| Please don't do that. | ||
| Isn't it a beautiful place to be, like, right there? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, we got a show in an hour. | ||
| You don't have to do a show? | ||
| Show in an hour. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| What show? | ||
| We're not the owner. | ||
| He's not going to fire us. | ||
| Yeah, you can't get fired. | ||
| You still humiliate yourself. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| We're going to have fun. | ||
| I'm going to have fun. | ||
| I know I'm going to have fun. | ||
| There's so many people in the lineup. | ||
| Stop telling us we're not going to have fun. | ||
| I started yawning. | ||
| I was like, oh boy. | ||
| I'm high as shit. | ||
| That's what it kicks in. | ||
| The yawns are a good sign. | ||
| And you can taste it in the tongue. | ||
| You know, you're like, mmm, you got that mushroom mouth. | ||
| Mmm, boy. | ||
| They don't know where the yawns come from. | ||
| I've looked that up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of theories. | ||
| No one's got a successful, legitimate science answer. | ||
| They can put a man on the moon, but they can't figure out where the mushroom yawns come from? | ||
| I'm not sure they did that. | ||
| Yeah, did they? | ||
| That would be my absolute favorite thing if we found out that was fake. | ||
| Fuck Bigfoot. | ||
| You would love that. | ||
| Fuck Bigfoot, fuck UFOs. | ||
| Just tell me they never landed on the moon. | ||
| No, we need that space program. | ||
| Yeah, we do. | ||
| I hope it's real. | ||
| You don't want them to have gone. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I think it's funny. | ||
| He spent 15 years saying, I don't think we did. | ||
| Also, we haven't been back. | ||
| We haven't been back. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Why hasn't everyone been there? | ||
| Not just haven't been back. | ||
| We haven't even gone into space like that. | ||
| We've only gone to near Earth orbit. | ||
| All the trips since the moon landings, all that has been inside of 300 plus miles. | ||
| And no other country either. | ||
| No other country. | ||
| No one's doing it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| They send probes there, but also it's very dangerous. | ||
| We did it in the 70s? | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| They did it, supposedly they did it seven times, six successfully. | ||
| You know, Apollo 13 was the one that didn't make it. | ||
| Russia went. | ||
| Dude, I went over this for a decade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, with a fine-tooth comb. | ||
| I've watched all the videos. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I've watched all the film footage on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the shadows. | |
| There's some shady shit. | ||
| They jump, but they come right down real fast. | ||
| I'm glad I wasn't around for those conversations. | ||
| There's a lot of, like, weird, weird shit. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Try being on radio after you've heard a story 75 times. | ||
| Ah, Soleil Moon Fry. | ||
| That's why I get good at things. | ||
| I obsess. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| You? | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That one is my absolute favorite. | ||
| Aliens, elk. | ||
| I think I'd take aliens over that, honestly. | ||
| Now that I think about it, I want aliens to be real more than I want us to not have gone too long. | ||
| You think you're closer to the moon one, though? | ||
| Aliens are definitely real. | ||
| No, I think... | ||
| Aliens are real, but... | ||
| They're in the kitchen. | ||
| There's less evidence. | ||
| Did you see the new footage? | ||
| There's new footage that Jeremy Corbell leaked. | ||
| In 2021, there was a UFO that hovered over an Air Force base. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| What? | ||
| Slow it down. | ||
| Slow it down. | ||
| You gotta stop. | ||
| Sorry, I'm stuff fucked up, too. | ||
| I'm taking this in. | ||
| I can't, dude. | ||
| There's a lot going on here. | ||
| Show the pictures of the UFO. These guys, 50 guys observed this thing. | ||
| Corbel! | ||
| Dang, I'm trying to process everything. | ||
| He can't help himself. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| Corbel Chili? | ||
| Hormel. | ||
| Oh, Hormel. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I was like, am I missing that one? | ||
| Is that a cultural reference that I'm not aware of? | ||
| I'm not sure which exact thing it is. | ||
| Because there's articles about him from recently. | ||
| I think he's one of your security guys. | ||
| The ones that just came out like a day ago. | ||
| I think it goes above that house. | ||
| Instagram. | ||
| That's definitely it. | ||
| Check his Instagram. | ||
| Cardi B shows off at daughter's school lunch. | ||
| Whatever this thing is, they've got 50 different people. | ||
| I think he actually released photos of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull it up, JMO. Come on, dude. | |
| It's never any good evidence. | ||
| It's like three lights a billion miles away. | ||
| That's why it's fun. | ||
| If you got the really good evidence, then you would be all in. | ||
| I don't want to be all in. | ||
| I like to be like half in. | ||
| Hey, look at that background. | ||
| It looks like he's here. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| What you see weaponized, that's the craft. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Okay, so it's a video. | ||
| So this thing, what this thing is, they photographed it. | ||
| It's half of a football field size, and it was hovering over this military base, and then it just disappeared, just jetted off. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Fifty people saw it. | ||
| Fifty? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| Some military guys. | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| The whole thing is the most exciting thing to me. | ||
| It's the most fun. | ||
| Out of all the stupid shit that I like to concentrate on. | ||
| You'd think they would have been here by now. | ||
| Illuminate the crap, but when the flares got close, the UFO vanished into thin air. | ||
| So they shot flares at it. | ||
| That's probably just a jetliner. | ||
| Why would it vanish into thin air? | ||
| Only magic does that. | ||
| They used magic. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| I never even thought of the fucking magic. | ||
| CNN. That was Tim Dillon's jet. | ||
| Do not run with that. | ||
| I'm telling you, that's nothing. | ||
| It vanished into thin air. | ||
| Ah, you're dreaming. | ||
| It probably just shot off at the same rate of speed like they always do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| How many people would love a full invasion? | ||
| How about us? | ||
| We go camping, we're doing mushrooms, aliens land. | ||
| I'm dying for a probe. | ||
| Put it up my ass. | ||
| I don't think they do that anymore. | ||
| I think that's like corded phones. | ||
| I think they got everything they were looking for. | ||
| We have MRIs. | ||
| Why the fuck does an alien need a finger in your ass? | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Just for fun. | ||
| Something to go tell the friends back at the farm. | ||
| Yeah, all those guys that said they got probed were definitely just sexually assaulted. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Very repressed memories. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Fucking alien got in there. | ||
| Some fucking lumberjack fucked them in the forest. | ||
| And then left you right in front of that gay bar? | ||
| And they're fucking crazy. | ||
| Sons of bitches? | ||
| Somehow they're connected. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of bitches. | |
| This guy was on my podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the dude Travis Walton from that movie Fire in the Sky. | ||
| Did you ever see that movie Fire in the Sky? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He looks like the My Pillow. | ||
| That guy, there's a bunch of witnesses. | ||
| They saw him get hit with some sort of a beam. | ||
| They saw a craft land. | ||
| They were loggers. | ||
| This guy jumps out. | ||
| He's a crazy fucking logger dude. | ||
| Jumps out. | ||
| What the fuck is it? | ||
| Goes running towards it and he gets hit with his beam. | ||
| He falls down. | ||
| They drive off. | ||
| They get like... | ||
| You know, half a mile down the road, and they're screaming at each other, we gotta go back, we gotta go back. | ||
| So they turn around and go back. | ||
| They go back to the spot, and he's gone. | ||
| Five days later, the guy shows up with this crazy story. | ||
| He shows up, makes a phone call, he calls the police, calls his family. | ||
| He said he got abducted by that craft, and they fixed him. | ||
| They said his body was broken from the beam, and they took him aboard, and he had these encounters, and there was a movie called Fire in the Sky. | ||
| Why did it beam in the first place? | ||
| The movies, obviously, they took a lot of liberties with the story. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Was it D.B. Cooper? | ||
| Is that the guy who was in it? | ||
| Oh, I know that guy. | ||
| That's a different guy. | ||
| D.B. Sweeney. | ||
| Yeah, D.B. Sweeney. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| He's the guy that jumped out of the plane with the money. | ||
| Oh, yeah, with the money. | ||
| They don't know who that guy is. | ||
| That guy's badass. | ||
| That guy's a nut. | ||
| That guy fucking died immediately. | ||
| That guy had two broken legs and he was eaten by dogs. | ||
| He jumped out into the middle of the woods with no parachute and he survived, I guess. | ||
| The craziest is the cows that lose all their skin. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| You're talking about cattle mutilations. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yeah, they don't know what the fuck that is. | ||
| No explanation. | ||
| Turn them inside out? | ||
| They cut organs out with laser precision. | ||
| They remove the blood from the body with no visible method. | ||
| That's a chupacabra. | ||
| There's weird stuff that does happen to cows. | ||
| What about those images appear in the fields? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crop circles. | |
| Yeah, what the fuck is that? | ||
| Those are weird dudes. | ||
| No one's talking about that anymore. | ||
| Acropolis. | ||
| I think people gave up on that. | ||
| Those are dudes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think people gave up on the landscape guys. | ||
| Yeah, they gave up on them. | ||
| They were beacons. | ||
| I don't hear about that anymore. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Because dudes were doing it. | ||
| Well, definitely dudes were doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but also, some of them were a little more interesting. | ||
| Yes, some of them, there was also, they were folded into place in a way where it seemed like a great deal of energy was in the husk of the stalk, and they had blown out. | ||
| No, no, no, there were some of them that they were trying to say, like, they had... | ||
| There was a way that you could do these things, but it's very clear when someone did it that way. | ||
| Crop circles were made by supernatural forests named Doug and Dave. | ||
| Intricate patterns carved in fields across England in the 1980s were a viral phenomenon long before the interest fed us such prankster curiosities daily. | ||
| The people that believe that some of them have something else to them. | ||
| But what about the cows? | ||
| Because they would pull the blood out. | ||
| This is a different thing. | ||
| Not one drop of blood. | ||
| Cattle mystery mutilated organ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not one drop of blood! | |
| That's the weird one. | ||
| Just sounds like faulty reporting when they found the cow. | ||
| I think that's more likely than an alien. | ||
| People have done things. | ||
| People have done things. | ||
| Body parts precisely removed. | ||
| Someone has cut the organs out of that cow. | ||
| A weird dude is more likely. | ||
| Now if it was a person that's doing it, but the way they're doing it is very unusual. | ||
| No blood? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know why the fuck aliens would do that. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| But it does make sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| They're weird. | ||
| They want stuff. | ||
| They want to learn. | ||
| A lot of people lean towards aliens. | ||
| But why would they do that? | ||
| The same reason a fucking alien would. | ||
| But why no blood? | ||
| You know what, the cow blood? | ||
| Why would an alien want cow blood? | ||
| To learn about cows! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| You gotta start somewhere! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine if it was demons, but they couldn't quite... | |
| They didn't have the authority to go after people yet. | ||
| So they let him have a few cows every now and then just to keep sassering. | ||
| Cut it out, Joe. | ||
| You're giving me the willies. | ||
| They live for thousands of years, these demons. | ||
| And they have to feast. | ||
| And they really just want to torture humans and gut them and suck their blood out and leave their fucking skin carcasses. | ||
| Lil Nas X is going to come up here. | ||
| Yeah, they always talk about natural. | ||
| Super natural. | ||
| Yeah, we're blaming it on aliens when it's demons. | ||
| Just demons. | ||
| Demons practicing. | ||
| They're like, okay, go take a cow, you fucking freaks. | ||
| Practice for the invasion. | ||
| They just go practice for what they're going to do to us. | ||
| Once they get the green light, once people are inexcusably evil, once there's just like... | ||
| Once they're like, Hitler... | ||
| Every country is ruled by evil dictators. | ||
| Well, probably that close. | ||
| That close. | ||
| A little more sodomy. | ||
| A little more. | ||
| And then unleashed. | ||
| Then we find out that Satan's real. | ||
| Sodom and Gomorrah. | ||
| Well, we're going to get some good comments after this one. | ||
| Satan is real, people. | ||
| Gohan writes, the reports of cow mutilations began in 1973, mostly in the West and Midwest. | ||
| It was often small-scale ranchers who reported them. | ||
| When local law enforcement agencies investigated, they frequently found that the cow's ears, eyes, rectums, and sex organs had been cut away with surgical precision. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| According to the newspaper reports, more than 10,000 of the incidents occurred by the end of the decade. | ||
| It's demons. | ||
| Demons. | ||
| You're fucking right. | ||
| Dude, you're fucking right. | ||
| It's demons. | ||
| They just have to practice every now and then. | ||
| Demon weigh-ins. | ||
| They want to. | ||
| They want to do it to people, but God won't let them yet. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| But they need a feast. | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're a machine. | ||
| I'm trying to pick it up here. | ||
| What about Target? | ||
| Target started selling devilware. | ||
| Well, Target started selling a lot of weird stuff like tucks, like where you could tuck your penis for really, really young boys. | ||
| Tucker Carlson. | ||
| So people started boycotting Target now. | ||
| Is that why Tuck got fired from Fox? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| Now we've closed the circle. | ||
| Wait, Target's selling shit for kids to tuck their dicks? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is that fake? | ||
| Not fake, but it's for adults. | ||
| I don't think it was supposed to be for kids. | ||
| Yeah, but they have it in the kids' section with kids' stuff. | ||
| Here's where I saw it. | ||
| I saw it from Dave Smith. | ||
| I was wrong on this one. | ||
| Okay, it looks like I was wrong on this one. | ||
| The Tuck-friendly shit was for adults. | ||
| I read it somewhere you can never... | ||
| Okay, so it's not for kids. | ||
| He's a rabble-rouser, that one. | ||
| He's a rabble-rouser. | ||
| He's a rabble-rouser. | ||
| But it's all together with Pride kids stuff. | ||
| They have a Pride section. | ||
| They're stopping selling some stuff because some employees were getting harassed by people coming in. | ||
| Oh, damn! | ||
| They went after the employees. | ||
| That's what they did with the seller when Louie came back. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The old waitress was, fuck you. | ||
| It's all the same mentality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gross. | ||
| That's a weird one because you know Target only did that because they thought it was going to make them more money. | ||
| They're a giant corporation. | ||
| If they do something like that, it's because they want to make more money. | ||
| So it's like that's how these marketing people that you were talking about, that's how they think about things. | ||
| They look at it through the eyes. | ||
| And also the eyes of the university, because they just get out of this system that indoctrinates you to a very specific way of thinking. | ||
| It takes a while to shake once you get out in the real world, and you realize, like, oh, this is just as authoritarian. | ||
| This is just as constrictive. | ||
| Or, like, in college, you're like, there's so many trans. | ||
| And then you go to the real world, like, oh, there's, like, four. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, Saturn did a whole campaign marketing to women, and they fucking skyrocketed women in sales. | ||
| This was, like, in, like... | ||
| Who's buying Saturn that has a dick? | ||
| Chicks, dude. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I thought they were from Venus. | ||
| I don't think they make them anymore. | ||
| No, they don't make them anymore. | ||
| It was like a plastic car. | ||
| Red Band had one for a long time. | ||
| They were very reliable. | ||
| Well, he's a bitch. | ||
| Hey, I'll dare you. | ||
| That's a good voice. | ||
| That was my tough guy. | ||
| Sunset Comedy Club. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| It's on 6th Street. | ||
| Does it say beer light on your shirt? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Beer light. | ||
| We wouldn't have Bud Light. | ||
| We lucked out. | ||
| Imagine if it said Bud Light. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Disaster. | ||
| They're available now online. | ||
| Yeah, you can get them online. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Tech.barks. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Now we're talking. | ||
| That's what we are. | ||
| I'll tell you, Austin's popping. | ||
| You can go to Vulcan, you can go to Sunset, you can go to Mothership. | ||
| Creek in the Cave. | ||
| Creek in the Cave, in that order. | ||
| It's all walking distance. | ||
| All walking distance. | ||
| Is there comedy in another part of town? | ||
| Cap City. | ||
| Yeah, Cap City. | ||
| Cap City's in the domain. | ||
| I hear that's great too. | ||
| They have two rooms. | ||
| Cap City's good. | ||
| They have a small room and a big room. | ||
| Yeah, Cap City's great. | ||
| What's the small room? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're in the domain. | |
| Is there like the old place that small rooms in the front bar? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't been in a new place. | ||
| The small place was the shit. | ||
| That was a hot one. | ||
| That was the shit. | ||
| I tried to get that place. | ||
| Get a special there. | ||
| Yeah, the old small place. | ||
| Goddamn, that place was good. | ||
| That was a fucking banger of a club. | ||
| Still there. | ||
| Bill Hicks might have been there. | ||
| Still there, just waiting? | ||
| Still there. | ||
| Still there. | ||
| Yeah, I tried. | ||
| It's tied up. | ||
| Long story. | ||
| I'll tell you the whole deal. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| A lot to that story. | ||
| Yeah, but you got a good location. | ||
| I got the best location ever. | ||
| The universe wanted that building to have it. | ||
| It sounds so stupid, but right when we got in there and everything started, and we started the first time, I was like, exactly. | ||
| This is how it's supposed to be. | ||
| Dude, when you go in and you're waiting to go on, you're like, fuck, I'm thirsty. | ||
| And then there's like nine hands holding you water. | ||
| You feel like Oprah Winfrey. | ||
| You're like, oh, thanks. | ||
| And then they all go back to their fucking jobs. | ||
| It's so fun to perform there. | ||
| I do like to, before you go on, sit back there by yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Behind the stage. | ||
| That shit's nice. | ||
| Yeah, that chair behind the stage. | ||
| It's the only club I've been to I've never heard a peep. | ||
| I've never heard a talk, a chat, a heckle. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| The crowd is there for comedy. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Build it, they will come. | ||
| You know, let everybody know what you're trying to do. | ||
| You did a great job, man. | ||
| It's a fucking fun performance place. | ||
| It's exciting to have a performance place. | ||
| You like good to go perform your art? | ||
| It's exciting. | ||
| You like hikes and art? | ||
| He does say stuff that makes you cringe sometimes. | ||
| I hate him. | ||
| I just said performance. | ||
| He doesn't even fucking respond, dude. | ||
| I was in fucking whatever. | ||
| He's in Auschwitz. | ||
| I have to pee. | ||
| Give him a hard time. | ||
| I gotta pee, too. | ||
| Let's pause. | ||
| When are you gonna pee? | ||
| I'm trying to outlast everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have to pee today. | |
| Oh, this is a contest? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I don't have to pee today. | ||
| Wait, you don't have to pee? | ||
| Not today. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You're dehydrated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I gotta hold it now. | ||
| Guys, while I was touring in Europe, I found out about the Fourth Reich, and it's something we should all be concerned about. | ||
| This will be appearing many times in this podcast coming. | ||
| The Fourth Reich, look it up! | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| You heard that there was a train in Austria that played a Hitler speech? | ||
| Some guy put it on the train and got the fuck out. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| It was a big deal. | ||
| I mean, on a train of all places. | ||
| There's a comedian from the 60s, and he starts going like, hey, let's all get going here. | ||
| And it's all to upscale people in Germany. | ||
| He goes, hip hip! | ||
| And they'll go, hooray! | ||
| He goes, hip hip! | ||
| Hooray! | ||
| And then he goes, a couple others like that. | ||
| And then he goes... | ||
| And I'll go, hi, fuck! | ||
| And he was like, that was too easy for you guys. | ||
| It's just in them. | ||
| You're all former comrades. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now there's an ice cream shop outside of Auschwitz that's killing it, and all these people are pissed. | ||
| Because they're selling ice cream right there? | ||
| It's like too nice. | ||
| They want them to cry? | ||
| Yeah, it's like, what the hell? | ||
| You go to there and get some ice cream. | ||
| Also, you know you convince some kids, like, just be quiet for ten minutes, I'll get you ice cream. | ||
| Just do this tour, shut up, I'll get you ice cream. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Also, Haagen-Dazs sounds like a camp. | ||
| Haagen-Dazs! | ||
| That was an eighth camp. | ||
| It's gonna be a rocky road. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I hate myself. | ||
| The vibe does change when you go down to two people. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Jamie, you gotta pick it up here. | ||
| No, we don't need it. | ||
| We got it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Hey, who's that guy with the fucking felt hat, the mushroom guy? | ||
| Paul Stamets. | ||
| Paul Stamets. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| He looks like a fucking mushroom guy. | ||
| He's like the king of mushrooms. | ||
| Can he get Xanax? | ||
| I got a long Australia flight coming up. | ||
| Trying to pass out here. | ||
| Look at those mushrooms. | ||
| Oh, that guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The rare baseball cap. | ||
| Oh, look at the size of that shroom. | ||
| My god, look at that thing. | ||
| What'd you guys suck each other's dicks in the fucking bathroom? | ||
| I wish. | ||
| Now I gotta pee. | ||
| You were gone longer than you should have been. | ||
| I wish I sucked it. | ||
| It was the total normal time to be gone. | ||
| Smell it. | ||
| No, we just didn't pee in the hallway like you, you fucking freak. | ||
| Yeah, that's why it takes so long. | ||
| You mutt. | ||
| You crazy person. | ||
| Pissed into a whiskey. | ||
| But this is how common that behavior is. | ||
| I knew he was going to pee out there. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| How many times have you pissed in kombucha bottles here? | ||
| I pulled a bottle into the hallway. | ||
| If anything, you're like, kind of thank you for going outside. | ||
| Yeah, well, I don't care if you pee in here. | ||
| If you have, like, a bucket or something. | ||
| Man, even just half that thing. | ||
| What thing? | ||
| Chocolate. | ||
| The chocolate. | ||
| It hits you. | ||
| You're handling it very well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hear music. | |
| Chocolate is a very... | ||
| You had your dancing shoes on last night. | ||
| Joe was dancing in the green room. | ||
| Get some good tunes going and get loose. | ||
| The green room is so special. | ||
| Yeah, it's very fun. | ||
| Last night it was Roseanne, Dice, Brian Simpson, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Tony Hinchcliffe, who else was there? | ||
| Asan Ahmad, who else was there? | ||
| Derek Poston, who else was there? | ||
| I think that was it. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so much fun. | |
| We were just laughing and laughing and laughing. | ||
| It was like the best party. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| It was the best party. | ||
| He was searching for a name and they're like, no, that's it. | ||
| I didn't want to leave anybody out. | ||
| Adam wasn't there. | ||
| That's why it was so good. | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| Adam's my favorite part. | ||
| I love Adam. | ||
| Adam's my favorite part, dude. | ||
| I'm just fucking with him. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But the party, like the hang in the green room was so fun. | ||
| The hang after was nice. | ||
| Oh, so nice. | ||
| It was just fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just so great. | ||
| That place is just so, like a warm hug. | ||
| You built a good spot. | ||
| I could use a fucking warm hug, dude. | ||
| But you know what the crazy thing is? | ||
| I didn't think it would be this. | ||
| You know, it's like we had something at the Vulcan and it was really cool. | ||
| We would do those shows there. | ||
| I mean, how many times we'd do shows. | ||
| It was a fucking great time. | ||
| Great time. | ||
| Great time. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Fun little hang. | ||
| But then when it went to the mothership, it just bloomed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It blossomed. | |
| So some multiple places to hang, kind of like the store was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Also. | |
| You just find yourself talking next to some fucking... | ||
| Clean glasses or something. | ||
| Also, the two nights of open mic nights. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| And all the door people are comics. | ||
| The whole thing changed. | ||
| The whole vibe changed. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, no, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Let's shotgun him. | ||
| Let's shotgun him for real. | ||
| All right, I'll shotgun one. | ||
| Damn, all this talk about piss makes me want to piss. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Do you have to piss again? | ||
| Nah, not again. | ||
| I haven't gone at all. | ||
| Oh, go piss? | ||
| You haven't drank at all, you fucking... | ||
| Do you have to piss? | ||
| Yeah, you're drinking less. | ||
| Do you want to piss? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Go ahead, go ahead. | ||
| Mr. Europe, dude. | ||
| Mr. Big Time. | ||
| I won't piss then. | ||
| Mr. Berlin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been to Berlin. | |
| I'm so cultured and sophisticated, dude. | ||
| Don't let him bully you. | ||
| He's bullying you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Fuck Europe, dude. | ||
| My dad was in the Holocaust. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| What did he do? | ||
| Europe sucks, dude. | ||
| Fuck Europe. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I can't believe we're number one, dude. | ||
| America. | ||
| You go over there, you fucking European, dude. | ||
| With their falcons and their state birds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Art looks like the bird. | ||
| How much longer do you think America will be number one? | ||
| Oh, we got about ten years. | ||
| As long as I'm alive, dude. | ||
| Turkey's coming back. | ||
| Turkey? | ||
| They're making a comeback. | ||
| They've been waiting in the wings. | ||
| Do they call themselves Turkey? | ||
| Turkey. | ||
| What do you think they call themselves? | ||
| Persia? | ||
| Little Persia? | ||
| Well, you know, like... | ||
| Nah, we need the real version, dude. | ||
| This is the real version. | ||
| That's not Trey Parker and Matt Stone. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That was a cover. | ||
| There's a cover? | ||
| Jesus, you're a connoisseur. | ||
| Shannon was pissing himself when he met Trey. | ||
| There's more than one version of America. | ||
| Imagine hearing that song going, bro, we gotta cover that. | ||
| We gotta do it the same. | ||
| There must be so many covers of that. | ||
| Every band. | ||
| If you're doing a live performance, you break this out. | ||
| Hand me that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You kinda have to if you're a party band. | ||
| We're number one, dude. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck Europe. | ||
| I like America. | ||
| I just had to do a tour. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Can't sell tickets here. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Oh, this is IPA. I don't like that. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You don't drink IPA? No, not this. | ||
| Are you kidding? | ||
| I'll shit blood. | ||
| Give me a BL. Here's a warm Bud Light. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Take a Bud Light. | ||
| No, no, it's warm. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's not warm enough. | ||
| Warm is better, too, because you won't get that headache. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| Dude, we stuck our fucking hand in the ice bath. | ||
| That was hell! | ||
| We couldn't do 30 seconds of ice. | ||
| We couldn't even do it. | ||
| They were crying. | ||
| You're a freak, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're an alien. | |
| I just do it every day. | ||
| You're an alien. | ||
| You're an alien. | ||
| Yeah, maybe that's the time. | ||
| Maybe that's why you're obsessed with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're an alien. | ||
| No. | ||
| Repressed memories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's exactly what a fucking alien would say, dude. | |
| No. | ||
| That's what the alien says? | ||
| No. | ||
| This feeble brain. | ||
| If this is the spiling spaceships, this fucking feeble brain. | ||
| You're dominating this planet. | ||
| Dude, what are you talking about? | ||
| You've changed the planet. | ||
| You're an alien. | ||
| You came down. | ||
| You have a comedy club from a mothership. | ||
| It's all right there. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| I'm just trying to tell them I'm a fan. | ||
| I'm letting them know I'm a fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're an alien? | |
| You came down, you're like, alright, here's the coolest thing. | ||
| Stand up in UFC. Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just do them? | |
| No one gets to do that, dude. | ||
| DMT. Alien. | ||
| Bong that, dude. | ||
| America's the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're an alien. | |
| Imagine. | ||
| You're an alien. | ||
| What a fucking cover. | ||
| Be a really dumb dude. | ||
| Oh, stop trying to change the subject there. | ||
| What a cover. | ||
| What's your real name? | ||
| Romulus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| I knew it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Romulus. | |
| What is it going to be? | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| Fucking Fang Fang? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is your real alien name, though? | |
| What would it be? | ||
| You're ripped, you got a huge dong. | ||
| You would have been taller though. | ||
| Why didn't you go taller? | ||
| I didn't get much food when I was a child. | ||
| They were like, don't make them stand out, but they went too low. | ||
| Too low. | ||
| No, he's got to fit in the fucking ship. | ||
| The escape pod. | ||
| Where's your escape pod? | ||
| Good point. | ||
| You're the tallest alien. | ||
| That's why they sent him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then he detached from the mission and was just like, Earth's pretty sick. | ||
| I like stand-up and UFC. And he stayed... | ||
| Damn! | ||
| He had two Bud Lights and he was like, I like this place. | ||
| Imagine if you really did decide that whatever does come after this is just too boring because you know it's not real. | ||
| It's not real consequences. | ||
| I'm fascinated by the N-word. | ||
| So you wanted to go back in time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He can't handle it. | |
| When anything gets too discussy, he's like, I haven't heard any laughs. | ||
| Oh, you're really sucking that thing. | ||
| He's going for you this time. | ||
| You look like Hinchcliffe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. - Everybody's always like, mention me on the pod. | |
| You're like, no, you don't want that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| Yeah, we'll tell Hinchcliffe tonight. | ||
| Hey, we mentioned you on the show. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| You son of a bitch, Shane. | ||
| This pod just got cooking. | ||
| That feels good. | ||
| It brings me right back. | ||
| I was hungover. | ||
| I was anxious. | ||
| Now I'm even. | ||
| Now you're back? | ||
| I'm back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| Yeah, I'll just chug this. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Go RE! Do you think this would make news that you're drinking Bud Light? | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| Bud Light's abandoned me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have they abandoned you? | |
| They never reached out. | ||
| I would have been a nice... | ||
| You might be the only guy to turn it around because you haven't abandoned them. | ||
| I'll never leave you. | ||
| But you're very America. | ||
| You know, this is a strong stance. | ||
| To really keep buying what you enjoy despite the obvious controversy that's gonna come. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for you, Shane Gillis. | ||
| You're a fucking hero. | ||
| Pamela! | ||
| Superman! | ||
| I always hated that guy. | ||
| Shane Gillis, you're a real American. | ||
| That's what a real American does. | ||
| No, for real. | ||
| That's what a real American does. | ||
| This is alien talk. | ||
| You go, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Alien talk. | ||
| I'm just drinking Bud Light. | ||
| That's what I drink. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's like, I used to drink Zima. | ||
| And people used to get mad at it. | ||
| I remember Zima was the first White Claw time. | ||
| What? | ||
| Fucking gay. | ||
| You drank Zima? | ||
| Dudes wouldn't allow it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zima? | |
| Dudes wouldn't allow it. | ||
| They go, that's gay. | ||
| They shamed everybody. | ||
| And they brought it back 20 years later with White Claw. | ||
| You can't shame a man. | ||
| Yeah, because there was Mike's Hard Lemonade. | ||
| You had to like twist and tease. | ||
| Yeah, it saves more evil somehow. | ||
| You can't shame a man with a Zima and a fanny pack. | ||
| Zima McIntyre. | ||
| You got nothing. | ||
| Imagine a train killer walking on the street holding a Zemo. | ||
| That makes zero sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That one, I'm like, how did you even want to go for the trigger? | |
| How did you pull the trigger? | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| How did you pull the trigger on that one? | ||
| Zima McIntyre. | ||
| Zima Gomez. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That is like Selena, Zima. | ||
| I like Zima McIntyre. | ||
| Rita. | ||
| Zima. | ||
| It was a stretch. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Who drank Zima? | ||
| That's an alien move. | ||
| I remember them being at parties. | ||
| They were not allowed. | ||
| I drank them. | ||
| They served that on Tatooine. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| They taste good. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You're at the bar in Tatooine drinking Zima's. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Solo, you owe me a 50 grand. | ||
| I don't think I'm going to be able to do this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| You always say that. | ||
| No, I'm going to laugh. | ||
| No, you won't. | ||
| We're going to have a good time. | ||
| You better not make me laugh, dude. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| We're going to have a good fucking time. | ||
| No, I meant this. | ||
| Oh, that too. | ||
| You'll laugh. | ||
| You'll hold a straight face. | ||
| I think it's something else. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Crystal Pepsi was big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you about Pepsi Spice. | |
| Let me tell you a story about Pepsi Spice. | ||
| Brian Redman had the ultimate troll. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| He's going. | ||
| Atta baby. | ||
| Right down that double chin. | ||
| You know who will fuck you up in a shotgunning contest? | ||
| Who? | ||
| That was pretty fast. | ||
| Luke Combs. | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| I saw him. | ||
| We did one together. | ||
| We shotgunned one together. | ||
| Country guy? | ||
| He did it in one gulp. | ||
| The whole can. | ||
| It was extraordinary. | ||
| It just... | ||
| Taylor LeJuan from Bustin' with the Boys. | ||
| He's putting together a Beer Olympics thing. | ||
| It's just a scam. | ||
| He's the best at it. | ||
| How good can you get? | ||
| I thought, I was like, here we go, watch this. | ||
| I flew Combs. | ||
| Who is he? | ||
| You see the one, we're all fishing in the same pond? | ||
| Is that him or somebody else? | ||
| Is he a singer? | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| He's very, very famous. | ||
| He's a cool motherfucker, too. | ||
| Very cool dude. | ||
| America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Combs! | ||
| I'm gonna save the motherfucking day! | ||
| I thought you were doing that right now. | ||
| Well, that is me. | ||
| I do sound the same. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a... | ||
| Oh, there it goes. | ||
| Aw, you motherfuckers, dude. | ||
| Just like watching your girlfriend cheat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, dude. | |
| That's a big roll. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready? | |
| Three, two, one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| That was insane! | ||
| You beat me by a solid 3 seconds. | ||
| You can't compete with that. | ||
| I can't compete with that. | ||
| That was one second beer? | ||
| That was extraordinary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You beat me by a Tesla 0-60. | |
| The reason you beat me by the quantum second. | ||
| It was a truly extraordinary shotgun. | ||
| That was insane. | ||
| He's got to be up there with the greats. | ||
| I love how calm he was. | ||
| He knew what was going to happen before you knew. | ||
| So he's like, go ahead, prepare yourself. | ||
| It was like one of them dudes that says you want to arm wrestle, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He does it every night. | ||
| Wow, look at this guy. | ||
| Oh, he does it every night. | ||
| Wow, dude. | ||
| Animal. | ||
| Still a lot left in that can. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| That was froth, bro. | ||
| If you could hear the sound of the empty clean. | ||
| That's a meaty, meaty dog up there, too. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good dude. | ||
| He's a big bitch. | ||
| Big unit. | ||
| Big fella. | ||
| Fun guy. | ||
| We had a great fucking podcast. | ||
| He was cool as hell, dude. | ||
| I saw him on the meat-eater show. | ||
| What is that move? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| He's moving, he's swirling. | ||
| He's got lizards. | ||
| Swallowing something. | ||
| Good to have you back. | ||
| About 40 minutes and I was gone. | ||
| I noticed that. | ||
| Oh, I was gone. | ||
| The pod was better. | ||
| I think I announced it. | ||
| Yeah, let's have your gibberish. | ||
| You're not for these stories. | ||
| How about just random words? | ||
| It's the perfect combination. | ||
| I look forward to these like Christmas. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| This is the first one I wasn't dreading. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was looking forward to it. | ||
| You dread these? | ||
| No, this is like battle, dude. | ||
| You're going to get fucking annihilated. | ||
| Come on, it's fun. | ||
| But the party's only started. | ||
| That's the hardest part. | ||
| We got tonight's party. | ||
| That's gonna be tough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got two shows. | |
| I know, this is what we do every single time. | ||
| This is the first time that we've done since you started the... | ||
| You're not even... | ||
| You're not even touching anything. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I did 60% of that mushroom first of all. | ||
| Why are you claiming 60 on this? | ||
| Why are you just claiming 60% of that? | ||
| I saw your 40 and I was like, I'll take the rest. | ||
| But you haven't had a beer or anything. | ||
| I had a shotgun of beer and two full glasses of tequila. | ||
| Oh my god, you had three drinks? | ||
| Oh, your voice gets real high when you're full of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right, the weed. | |
| My people, I didn't kill Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We bloody killed Jesus! | |
| What the hell are you doing? | ||
| Sorry, what were you saying there? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't remember either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| You said I was American, that was pretty sick, actually. | ||
| Yeah, you're American as fuck. | ||
| The fact, no, legitimately, the fact that you don't give a fuck and you keep drinking Bud Light despite the controversy, you're not going to bow, that's what you enjoy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is America. | |
| I like Bud Light. | ||
| Drink your shit. | ||
| I mean, come on, man. | ||
| We're all talking shit on phones that are made by slaves. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here, here. | |
| Look at these beauties. | ||
| That's the only reason I talk on them. | ||
| Sweatshop! | ||
| There you go, sweatshop. | ||
| That was the first time I got called gay at a bar, dude. | ||
| That's how we talk, dude. | ||
| It's not going to truly deter me. | ||
| If I order a Bud Light and someone's like, are you gay? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'll suck your dick, dude. | ||
| I'm going to fucking blow you right now, you fucking bitch. | ||
| Do you think Bud Light's going to bounce back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think they will with your help. | ||
| I think this story is all. | ||
| I think Bud Light needs to just send me fucking $50,000. | ||
| Just hire Chuck Norris. | ||
| Just give him a case. | ||
| Give me 20 bucks. | ||
| Hire Chuck Norris. | ||
| I sell a thousand Bud Lights every weekend. | ||
| They should hire Kid Rock to be the spokesman. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| They should. | ||
| We talked about it last night. | ||
| That would be the best. | ||
| How about Rock is the best? | ||
| 30 second Kid Rock commercial, let him go fucking nuts. | ||
| One second before the end, Shane just comes in and goes, and me. | ||
| Exclusivity. | ||
| All of it together. | ||
| I'm also part of this. | ||
| When I texted you last night about what we were laughing at last time, it was the MyPillow guy. | ||
| I was like last time we took mushrooms I was like we were dying about something I was like it was so stupid that I was like I kind of remember I think we were laughing about somebody like murdering a trans person We were laughing at the MyPillow guy being so angry About trans people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that was hilarious. | |
| If he saw one, he'd be like, hey, you son of a bitch. | ||
| He smothers him with a pillow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You motherfucker, get out of here. | |
| I remember that. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It was his kid. | ||
| It was his kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His kid was trans. | |
| That's right, if his kid was trans. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| I'm Mike Wendell. | ||
| That's one that you have to be there. | ||
| You try to tell that to somebody? | ||
| Oh my god, we were having so much fun. | ||
| This is what we were laughing at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're talking about some business owner killing his son. | |
| Killing his trance. | ||
| He killed him with a pillow because he sells pillows. | ||
| Get it? | ||
| It's actually funny. | ||
| Nine Eagles in, we were doing that. | ||
| Well, what's funny is the idea that this guy is like... | ||
| Has any thoughts. | ||
| It keeps killing his company. | ||
| His company just fucking dies every time he opens his mouth. | ||
| You're not going to believe it. | ||
| We're making fucking slippers now. | ||
| We believe it. | ||
| This company's transitioning. | ||
| How bad has the company been hit? | ||
| Because they've taken him out of stores, right? | ||
| The what? | ||
| MyPillow's? | ||
| Not in stores? | ||
| I think he was never in stores. | ||
| Am I misinformed? | ||
| How did they get hit? | ||
| They got hit somehow or another. | ||
| Was there a boycott of them? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| We're just going right back to the last one. | ||
| I'm just trying to remember. | ||
| I just want to clarify because I already brought it up. | ||
| Something happened with the MyPillow guy. | ||
| Well, like, his business has been affected by all this being connected to, you know. | ||
| Pillow talk. | ||
| I just like his fucking poster. | ||
| He's got, like, every commercial, he's got, like, Jesus and a lion. | ||
| Giant cross. | ||
| Giant cross. | ||
| Crucifix. | ||
| Yeah, he's all in on a lot of stuff, right? | ||
| Whack. | ||
| Whackadoo. | ||
| Oh, he's a nut. | ||
| He built that pillow in his basement and his wife left him. | ||
| True story. | ||
| Over a pillow. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| It's going crazy. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm building a pillow, honey. | ||
| Leave me alone. | ||
| Imagine you're obsessed for a decade in the basement. | ||
| You want to hang out with your wife. | ||
| Just make it a pillow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, you'll sleep better. | ||
| But meanwhile, he was right. | ||
| Sleep with me. | ||
| He was right. | ||
| He was right. | ||
| How was he right? | ||
| Was he? | ||
| How the fuck was that guy right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have we tried the pillow? | |
| I'm sure the pillow's pretty fucking great. | ||
| It's gotta be good. | ||
| It's selling well, I think. | ||
| So did his business get hurt by that? | ||
| What am I getting? | ||
| From advertisements or something like that? | ||
| Like, there was something... | ||
| You're like a reformed crackhead? | ||
| Him? | ||
| Was he really? | ||
| I think he was the drug guy, and then he found God. | ||
| Here's an article that usually says he can't get back $75 million in revenue lost due to Trump ties. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Trump ties, and that's a good invention. | ||
| Oh, so he was on shelves at Sam's Club, Kohl's, and Bed Bath& Beyond, which is also now closed. | ||
| Was I wrong about accusing him of doing drugs? | ||
| Because... | ||
| Check out the drug history. | ||
| Yeah, this guy's probably the man. | ||
| He might be the man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, if you sleep in an alley for ten years, you're drinking pillows. | |
| You're sleeping on a box. | ||
| In his 20s, he became addicted to and a frequent user of cocaine. | ||
| There it is! | ||
| We all do cocaine, dude. | ||
| What's a frequent user? | ||
| I mean, Jamie's a frequent user. | ||
| Saturday? | ||
| Switch to crack. | ||
| Switch to crack in the 90s, like everybody. | ||
| Like Diaz. | ||
| Diaz said he did crack for six months because the coke dealer wasn't on his way home. | ||
| David Cross, too, loved crack. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Damn, throw that out there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He talks about it online. | ||
| He loved crack. | ||
| David Cross loved crack? | ||
| He said he did it once, and he's like, I get it. | ||
| I get why people are crackheads. | ||
| Oh, he only did it once, didn't he? | ||
| I guess he still did it. | ||
| I did crack once. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah, a fan gave me Molly, and I was like, oh, and me and the lady went to Paris, we went to the Louvre, and I said, let's do the Molly at the Louvre. | ||
| We took crack. | ||
| We're in the molly like, tweaking out and looking at the statue of David, shaking and drooling. | ||
| You're the only person. | ||
| I'm the only person. | ||
| You're the only person ever to do crack at the Louvre. | ||
| In the Louvre. | ||
| I thought you had to smoke it. | ||
| Well, I ate it. | ||
| I ate the rock. | ||
| Eat the rock. | ||
| Last night... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I don't... | |
| Fuck, never mind. | ||
| Last night? | ||
| No, I'm saying that there's Molly. | ||
| Someone has Molly. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| Well, somebody. | ||
| I have Molly. | ||
| But it's from a fan also. | ||
| Yeah, he was like, let's do Molly. | ||
| I was like, shit, yeah, maybe. | ||
| And he was like, a fan gave it to me. | ||
| I was like, no. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Out of your fucking mind. | ||
| He's a nice fan. | ||
| He looked, you know. | ||
| David Cross talks about trying crack. | ||
| With you. | ||
| On Jimmy Kimmel Live. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| You see it's out there. | ||
| We might be drunk. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Yeah, fun. | ||
| Fun episode. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You doing crack at the Louvre is... | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's something you gotta be proud about. | ||
| What was it like? | ||
| Yeah, no one's done that. | ||
| It sucked. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because I ate it, which I don't think you're supposed to do. | ||
| So my body didn't know what was going on, and I ran right to the bathroom. | ||
| I'm shitting insane, like dumb and dumber shitting at the Louvre. | ||
| So all these French people are like, what do we do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and I'm like, ah! | |
| You know. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| But I saw some beautiful art. | ||
| I'm sweating. | ||
| Me and Mom went there with my lady. | ||
| We're sweating and twitching. | ||
| Staring at the Mona Lisa. | ||
| I love the idea of Norman seeing art. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love the idea of stupid watch beeping in the middle of it. | |
| Mona Lisa. | ||
| She's not that hot. | ||
| Mona Lisa. | ||
| Mona Lisa Traeger. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mona Lisa Whiskey. | |
| Mona Lisa Whiskey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| Bullshit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bullshit! - What? | |
| That's the most Mark Norman thing you've ever said! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a mouthful! | |
| Oh my god, that's a mouthful! | ||
| People would be like, what? | ||
| I shouted out, she got framed, and nobody got it. | ||
| She got framed? | ||
| Did you shout that out? | ||
| I shouted out to Lou, and all these French people were like, shut up, you stupid American. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| Oh my god, it's already on the internet. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Oh, the mushrooms are kicking in. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I think she's hot. | ||
| I would have definitely jizzed on her dress. | ||
| So hot. | ||
| Hotter than Hillary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha. | |
| I mean, that's a fact. | ||
| He was the first president that got busted. | ||
| No, JFK was fucking Marilyn. | ||
| Yeah, but he didn't get busted. | ||
| Full busted. | ||
| There was rumors. | ||
| He was the first president. | ||
| JFK was wild, though, because everybody knew he was fucking Marilyn Monroe, and she still sang in front of the wife. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of presidents had... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Happy birthday! | |
| ...public affairs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Missed. | |
| And Jackie O was pretty. | ||
| You're talking about back. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What years were those? | ||
| Every single one. | ||
| That was the days before teeth. | ||
| Every single one. | ||
| Back when people died young. | ||
| Shout out Sally Hemmings. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Is this history? | ||
| We going history? | ||
| No, I don't want to do that. | ||
| I like Norman right now. | ||
| Hemingway. | ||
| I need more Norman. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Keep it going, dude. | ||
| I'll take any drug of faith. | ||
| You give me a drug fan, I've taken a lot of weird Viagra. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That gas station Viagra will get your heart pumped. | ||
| Don't ask people to give you things. | ||
| Just as a general rule. | ||
| Buy drugs. | ||
| Just weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys, if anybody's listening, give me some fucking Viagra. | |
| Give me some over-the-fucking-counter truck station. | ||
| Like Red Band used to take. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Pepsi Spice. | |
| Red Band is one of the greatest trolls of all time. | ||
| Great troll. | ||
| Red Band starts, he buys pepsispice.com because they were dumb. | ||
| They didn't know what the fuck was going on back then. | ||
| He trolled you by opening a comedy club a block away. | ||
| I helped him. | ||
| So he buys pepsispice.com and then he makes a whole diary of him eating Pepsi Spice and dying. | ||
| Getting horrific diarrhea, blood spraying out of his ass. | ||
| They didn't think to get the domain before they launched a product. | ||
| But he kept this going for months. | ||
| He kept updating all these updates on his health conditions. | ||
| Pepsispice.com. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| It's some dickhead. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| It's one of the greatest trolls of all time. | ||
| The company's like, can you take that down? | ||
| We have no control over it. | ||
| It's some guy, and he's not even looking for money. | ||
| So he had video of him where he continued to lose weight. | ||
| He's got some real humps. | ||
| I'm just on Pepsi Spice. | ||
| Yeah, you're on Pepsi Spice Project. | ||
| Yeah, he's red pee. | ||
| This is scary shit, dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It shows that his pee's all fucked up from Pepsi Spice. | ||
| What a fucking asshole. | ||
| He literally killed Pepsi Spice. | ||
| When was the last time you saw Pepsi Spice? | ||
| It's done. | ||
| I've never heard of it. | ||
| He probably killed it. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Fuck out this loser. | ||
| It was kind of weird though, wasn't it? | ||
| It was like cinnamon? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it good? | |
| It might be good. | ||
| He might have fucked it up for everyone. | ||
| That's a joyous way from the world. | ||
| Cherry Coke is really good. | ||
| Cherry Coke is good. | ||
| Cherry Coke is delicious. | ||
| Where's Spice Girl? | ||
| Cherry Coke Spice? | ||
| She's bubbly. | ||
| She's got great cans. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Okay, we're having fun. | ||
| I just love, I love, I'll never stop. | ||
| You on crack in the Louvre and be like, oh my god, oh my god. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Imagine a reality show, a real reality show. | ||
| Crack in the Louvre. | ||
| Someone's in there with Norman. | ||
| My poor lady, she's like, I'll do Molly and I'm giving her handfuls of crack. | ||
| Also, yeah. | ||
| She's like a nice lady from, you know, the suburbs and I'm like, here's some crack, you crazy whore. | ||
| Welcome to the Louvre! | ||
| I like how specific you are in your doses, too. | ||
| Also, the Louvre is not the best place for Molly. | ||
| It's also the wrong place for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, it's like for weed. | ||
| Molly's like, you want to go sit by yourself or at a rave. | ||
| Yeah, weed is a good call for a gallery. | ||
| So where do you do Molly? | ||
| Molly? | ||
| We could do it tonight. | ||
| Oh, it's fan Molly. | ||
| Speaking of which... | ||
| I'll give it a check. | ||
| We gotta get out of here. | ||
| Let's just end it in the middle of a sentence. | ||
| Right here. |
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