Feb. 23, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:36:20
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| You took heroin? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| We're up. | ||
| I'm the only one without sunglasses. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's just easy to hide behind something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm here alone. | |
| No sunglasses. | ||
| You gotta get them, bro. | ||
| They're in my car. | ||
| I'm not going. | ||
| Call one of your goons. | ||
| Alright, give them yours. | ||
| Yours are cool. | ||
| Mine are cool. | ||
| Joe would look cool in those, too. | ||
| Those are like Bosworth glasses. | ||
| Joe, try those on. | ||
| I live in Florida. | ||
| I was in Key West. | ||
| Oh yeah, with that bald head? | ||
| You fucking bring someone to justice, man! | ||
| Fuck yeah, bro! | ||
| You look like a bounty hunter. | ||
| Like a video game boss. | ||
| Fun times last night, boys. | ||
| Oh yeah, good show. | ||
| We stayed too late. | ||
| Yeah, it was a little late. | ||
| I got home, I've been requiring myself to write for at least one hour when I get home. | ||
| Finally writing. | ||
| I get to bed till four in the morning. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| So you got home and wrote? | ||
| Wrote. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So what do you write your best? | ||
| I do it at night sometimes at bars. | ||
| Sometimes when I just get off stage, your juices are still flowing. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's like every now and then you get the one jam out of ten. | ||
| Just one little idea, one little spark. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Come on, pussies. | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| It's not shady. | ||
| Well, we got like seven different drugs going around. | ||
| Whatever, allegedly. | ||
| Don't be scared of the future. | ||
| What about a cigar? | ||
| You want a cigar? | ||
| Please. | ||
| I'm alright. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| No Shane. | ||
| No Shane in that? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Don't fat Shane. | ||
| There's a tour. | ||
| No Shane in that? | ||
| Just like you canceling gigs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No Shane in that tour? | ||
| Oh yeah, he loves titles. | ||
| I don't like them. | ||
| Oh, grazie. | ||
| Come up with a name. | ||
| Names are tough. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| What about when you have a kid? | ||
| You've got to name that thing forever. | ||
| I saw Buffett. | ||
| It was a second wind tour. | ||
| A lot of old people. | ||
| Jimmy Buffett? | ||
| Second wind tour is a great name. | ||
| Second wind tour. | ||
| For that, it is. | ||
| It made me realize names of tours are cool. | ||
| He's underrated. | ||
| I'd go the opposite way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Three songs I knew. | ||
| I like mine with lettuce and tomatoes. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| That's all you need, dude. | ||
| Yeah, pop top. | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stepped on a pop top. | |
| What is that? | ||
| Something in my heart. | ||
| What's a pop top? | ||
| You know, like a... | ||
| Convertible? | ||
| You pop a bottle. | ||
| It's a Florida movie. | ||
| But he stepped on it? | ||
| It's Florida music. | ||
| He stepped on it. | ||
| He's drunk in his apartment. | ||
| It's wholesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like it's passable. | ||
| Can I get the circumcision? | ||
| Florida's a good place. | ||
| I was just down there. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I'd like to be there. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| How about it, guys? | ||
| Let's move to Florida. | ||
| Let's start this over. | ||
| Florida's where you move to when everything goes terrible. | ||
| Key West. | ||
| If everything goes bad in Texas, you move to Florida. | ||
| If Beto O'Rourke becomes governor... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's got a skateboard. | ||
| He does, I'm sure. | ||
| And everything slides into oblivion, you go to Florida. | ||
| Florida's like the last stand before you just move to South America. | ||
| And Key West is the last of Florida. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Before you get a compound in Mexico, you go to Florida. | ||
| Key West is the jizz coming out of the dick. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Right on the bottom. | ||
| I've never been to Key West. | ||
| It's an escape. | ||
| Is there a good club there? | ||
| There's a small club, Key West Comedy. | ||
| Yeah, is it good? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| 90 people. | ||
| You do it? | ||
| I just did it. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| Spend a week there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Do two shows. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Jet ski. | ||
| Jet ski, bike everywhere. | ||
| Leather lady. | ||
| The people there must be just so fucking loose. | ||
| They're devoid of any sort of fashion or trying to stick with anybody. | ||
| I saw three cops in action, and all of them were trying to get an old lady from the street to the sidewalk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| She's like, you're too drunk at 4pm. | ||
| Please, ma'am. | ||
| Please, can you go to the sidewalk? | ||
| Did you go to Hemingway's house? | ||
| Went to Hemingway's house. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty neat. | ||
| You see all the cats with thumbs? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| The one has seven. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| They just have like... | ||
| How does that happen? | ||
| Breeding. | ||
| Is it overbreeding? | ||
| Breeding them on purpose. | ||
| Inbreeding. | ||
| Oh, on purpose. | ||
| To make those thumbs. | ||
| No. | ||
| Hemingway cats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's pretty great. | ||
| That's Hemingway's cats. | ||
| Yeah, we touched them. | ||
| Pet them. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, they're everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty fun. | |
| That's scary. | ||
| Look how big that is. | ||
| Is there like a tour of his house you do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Typewriters there and shit, like that kind of deal? | ||
| That's why I killed himself. | ||
| That's scary cats. | ||
| Look at the hands on that thing. | ||
| All the concussions he has. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's nuts. | ||
| Oh, he had a shit ton of concussions, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and they're like, this might have also led his... | ||
| CT? Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he was in war, he was boxing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Getting knocked out all the time. | ||
| Can't tell, because I loved Hemingway, but he also seems kind of like a douche. | ||
| I think he believed who he was. | ||
| There's a part of that that's annoying, where he's like, I'll fight anybody on this island. | ||
| It's like, shut up, author. | ||
| We're all just drinking. | ||
| Shut up, dork. | ||
| Go play with your cats. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Some guys are intellectuals. | ||
| They feel like they have to do something like that to be legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get knocked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He loved, like, yeah, bullfighting. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You hear that, Neil deGrasse? | ||
| What about Neil deGrasse? | ||
| He's a wrestler. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he wrestles. | ||
| He was a beast, though, wasn't he? | ||
| He was a wrestler in high school college. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he was fit. | ||
| That'd be a bummer to get your ass whooped by Neil deGrasse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would. | |
| Start talking shit to him. | ||
| That's that old school barrel chest. | ||
| He looks like he wears a unitard to the beach. | ||
| When men ate mostly oats, they looked like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oats? | |
| That was part of this nutritious breakfast. | ||
| Looks like Orson Welles. | ||
| He really does. | ||
| They all ate oats and grits and shit. | ||
| But he got laid quite a bit. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| He fucked. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He fucked everybody. | ||
| Getting rid of wives. | ||
| Every wife he cheated on with his next wife. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Why marry again? | ||
| Because he's a dummy. | ||
| I mean, after this one's over, I probably won't do it again. | ||
| These guys get romantic. | ||
| What do you got here? | ||
| Some 18-year-old scotch, sir. | ||
| Oh, too old for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Let's go. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You want some? | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| All right, to the camera one. | ||
| Oh, you're into that. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all we have to do. | |
| Done. | ||
| Gentlemen, I look forward to this more than almost there it is. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Those parks are going away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey. | |
| I do fucking hate parks. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We've done nothing to protect them. | ||
| We're flying down and Ari's like... | ||
| You talking about Rosa? | ||
| When we get there... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's more parks to be saved? | |
| No, I just wanted to go on a hike. | ||
| No, we're flying down. | ||
| He's like, what time do you land? | ||
| Me and Norman were on the same flight. | ||
| He's like, what time do you land? | ||
| Let's get in. | ||
| We'll get a hike in before the show. | ||
| I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's winter in New York. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You guys are freezing up there. | ||
| You can just sit outside and have a cocktail. | ||
| Yeah, go outside by the lake. | ||
| Hang out, watch the canoes roll by. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, you want to go inland into the city. | ||
| Yeah, I had to buy deodorant. | ||
| You're like, let's walk by the river. | ||
| Then we walk by the river, there's fucking just homeless dudes living. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| In the fucking mud. | ||
| Fucking hell. | ||
| Sinking in. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Doesn't it bother you how much Ari loves, like, nature? | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| Well, when you live in Manhattan, you need it. | ||
| It's like a drug. | ||
| You need to go get your drug. | ||
| I want to walk in the park. | ||
| Go to the park. | ||
| Let's go to the park and just sit in the grass. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, dude. | ||
| He's got to be in the ground soon with his age. | ||
| He's got to connect. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Get used to it. | ||
| Have you ever seen a coyote in Central Park? | ||
| No, I've seen them in LA. Have you? | ||
| Apparently they have them in Central Park now. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's all these photos of coyotes in Central Park. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coyote? | |
| Maybe like the homeless. | ||
| They're a weird animal. | ||
| Like as they get persecuted, they move out and branch out their territory. | ||
| It's like Jews. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to say. | ||
| It reminds me of something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they were attacked by the gray wolves. | ||
| The gray wolves and them are not related. | ||
| They're like the one animal, like when they have kai wolves, like when a coyote and a wolf breed, it's always a red wolf. | ||
| So it's an eastern wolf. | ||
| So the western wolves, the gray wolves, the ones that they killed off, and then they're bringing them back because they're idiots. | ||
| They're bringing them back from Canada, like reintroducing wolves. | ||
| Letting them out in Manhattan. | ||
| It's such a terrible idea. | ||
| But the gray wolves used to kill the coyotes. | ||
| So the coyotes, when the wolves were killing them, they would have more babies. | ||
| So the females, whenever they do roll call and they scream out in the night, if one of them is missing, it causes the female to have extra pups. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, there's a great book called Coyote America by Dan Flores. | ||
| I had him on the podcast. | ||
| They're an amazing animal. | ||
| I love the roll call. | ||
| You hear it when they get something, they all like... | ||
| I just saved my cat from some coyotes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, did I ever say this on here? | ||
| Lay it on me, fatty. | ||
| No, I was just sitting at my parents' house. | ||
| All of a sudden, I heard some fucking dogs screaming in the backyard. | ||
| I'd never heard that shit. | ||
| They were just in my parents' backyard screaming. | ||
| And I went outside, and they were circling my cat. | ||
| I had to run out there and pick him up. | ||
| What a pussy. | ||
| I was like out there like, get out of here! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go on, get! | |
| Like screaming at these dogs. | ||
| I watched a coyote jump over my back fence with a chicken in its mouth. | ||
| Jumped over my fence. | ||
| It was like, you know, I guess like a six foot high fence. | ||
| Jumped over it like it was nothing. | ||
| Just bing to the top of the fence, paws on the top, over the fence. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Just let me know. | ||
| This fence is bullshit. | ||
| This fence is doing zero. | ||
| My dog has zero chance of getting out. | ||
| But these coyotes just go in and out like it's nothing. | ||
| It's wild, man. | ||
| See how agile? | ||
| They're little wolves. | ||
| They're wolves that live amongst us. | ||
| They're just a small wolf. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't know they were in Central Park, I guess. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| They're in every single city in the country. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Borough? | |
| Look at them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| They're cute. | ||
| Someone's roof? | ||
| They're pretty. | ||
| Yeah, someone's roof. | ||
| But they're everywhere. | ||
| That's Bushwick. | ||
| So this is only within... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's a Photoshop. | |
| This is only within the last... | ||
| Oh, no, it's not. | ||
| That's just a perspective shot. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, that's a roof. | ||
| It's on a roof looking over. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| You thought he was on the street? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like a giant wolf about to eat the lady. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| It's on a roof. | ||
| I guess that's the same coyote. | ||
| But there's rats galore out there. | ||
| That's snacks all day. | ||
| Well, that's what they do in L.A. They clean up the rats in L.A. They're a reason why we're not infested. | ||
| You think about all the fucking garbage that's on the floor in L.A., on the streets. | ||
| Animals in the city is jarring. | ||
| You see those monkeys? | ||
| Yeah, they're fun. | ||
| Is that in Florida? | ||
| When I was with Stan Hope, me and him were drinking. | ||
| We'd go around walking around at night. | ||
| There'd be fucking javelinas everywhere. | ||
| Javelinas killed his neighbor's dog. | ||
| They fucked up his neighbor's dog. | ||
| It's this wild pig that's blind. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| They don't have such good vision, but neither do regular wild pigs. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they operate by smell mostly. | ||
| Smell and sound. | ||
| They don't see very well. | ||
| If you pause, like if you're sneaking up on one, you just pause, they give up on looking at you. | ||
| And then they start eating the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah, those boys are running around. | ||
| It's pretty fun. | ||
| I shot one of those in South Texas a couple months ago. | ||
| I bet they taste good. | ||
| They turned into chorizo. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I have Javolino chorizo. | ||
| So beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, the little ones are great. | ||
| They're a weird animal, man. | ||
| They're not really a pig. | ||
| It's called a peccary. | ||
| It's like a cousin to a pig. | ||
| Crazy teeth, man. | ||
| Their teeth sharpen as they open and close their mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| Their teeth rub against each other like two blades, like sharpening. | ||
| They're razor sharp teeth. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, that's what their teeth look like. | ||
| I hope Stanhope gets killed by javelinos. | ||
| Just drunk walking in a dumb suit. | ||
| That's a real possibility, man. | ||
| Slash Lewis. | ||
| If it's not them, it's the cartel. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Just fucking pigs. | ||
| Not my suit. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| I can't reach my cigarette. | ||
| Don't spill the Mai Tai. | ||
| I was in a safari, and a leopard walked by the jeep, and I went, holy shit. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| And we were like, and he was salivating like crazy, and then 20 seconds later in a bush you hear, and he went and fucked it. | ||
| No, he was in heat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That was a mating call. | ||
| Wow, what a weird mating call. | ||
| I've tried. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| That's the end. | ||
| But Safari's crazy because the lions will walk right by you. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| And they just know not to eat you. | ||
| Did you ever see that video of the lady? | ||
| She's trying to take photos from the car with the windows rolled down, and the cat reaches in and grabs her and pulls her out of the car. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| It's in Africa. | ||
| It's a lady. | ||
| She's in the backseat of a car, and they tell you to keep your windows rolled up. | ||
| And she just decides to roll it down to take photos, and this lion just pulls her out of the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| You saw the one with the Asian guy screaming at his wife. | ||
| She gets out of the car. | ||
| She gets out of the car in a fucking tiger park to scream. | ||
| And so she gets jagged. | ||
| She gets grabbed by this fucking tiger. | ||
| And then the mom comes out to try to save her. | ||
| And the mom gets killed. | ||
| So she lived. | ||
| And then the husband starts to get out. | ||
| I'm like, oh, nah, I'm free actually. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| He should just push her. | ||
| Do we have, is that a video? | ||
| Yeah, it's a video. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| When you see, like, cats can't help themselves, man. | ||
| If they see you outside, here it is. | ||
| So this is the tiger in the... | ||
| She's like, you motherfucker, I fucking told you, I saw your DMs. | ||
| So she gets out of the car. | ||
| He's like, what are you doing? | ||
| Gets all the way around to yell at him. | ||
| So she's yelling, and other people are stopping, and then you realize, out of nowhere, too late. | ||
| Like, instantaneously. | ||
| So he runs after it, and then the mom gets out, and she's the one who gets killed. | ||
| Oh, he can't hang out with the mom. | ||
| So that lady gets killed. | ||
| But she's trying to protect her child, man. | ||
| Imagine how, like, why did I raise this crazy lady? | ||
| I raised a crazy person who gets out in a fucking car, screaming at tigers. | ||
| The lady, only the mom got killed. | ||
| This one right here, she got killed. | ||
| The last one out of the car got killed. | ||
| That's got to be the last way you want to die. | ||
| That's not a good way to die. | ||
| Oh, it's not a good way to die. | ||
| When they eat your foot off first, I'm still alive. | ||
| Yeah, animals. | ||
| Great way to get out of a relationship. | ||
| I'll fight with her in the park with tigers. | ||
| I know this crazy bitch. | ||
| She'll get out of the car. | ||
| She'll get out. | ||
| She always gets out. | ||
| And then Ling Ling will run up and eat her and her mom. | ||
| They'll let you know. | ||
| They'll get out in traffic. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| There's some people that would just yell at you in traffic. | ||
| But it works. | ||
| I had a girlfriend who followed me because she said, if I got out of the car in the rain, you would come out and chase me, right? | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| I'd respect your decision to get out of the car. | ||
| I hate when they do that. | ||
| What do you mean chase you out? | ||
| They didn't come after me. | ||
| Oh, that's so stupid. | ||
| I thought you hated me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had that happen when I was 21. I was dating this girl and she got mad. | ||
| She goes, let me out of the car. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| So I pulled over and let her out of the car and she got out of the car and I drove home. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| And then she called me the next day. | ||
| She goes, why the fuck did you just leave me there? | ||
| I go, you told me you wanted to get out of the car. | ||
| I was giving you space. | ||
| I was trying to be dramatic for no reason. | ||
| Say no, don't get out of the car, other adult that I'm talking to? | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| She was like, I was attacked by a tiger. | ||
| What the hell, Joe? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I dropped off in Kenmore Square. | ||
| It was a nice spot. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Rough area? | ||
| Plenty of transportation. | ||
| Nice area. | ||
| Nothing dangerous about it. | ||
| It was just like, come on. | ||
| I had to take a train home like a peasant. | ||
| Just someone yelling at you, like, let me out of the car. | ||
| Like, oh, please get out of the car. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Please, goodbye. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| As soon as you listen, then you listen to your own music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, finally. | |
| This is the same girl. | ||
| I was in a car accident with her, and I had a Whitesnake cassette in my car, and she made me leave it in the car. | ||
| She's like, don't take that. | ||
| What? | ||
| Because I was taking my stuff to leave. | ||
| She was like, you shouldn't be listening to that. | ||
| She thought Whitesnake was stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here I go again on my own. | |
| Catchy tune. | ||
| She was into like intelligent music. | ||
| She was smarter than me. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| Crap. | ||
| Some shit. | ||
| Some pixies or some shit. | ||
| Classical. | ||
| Some shit that shows people you're deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some shit that's emotional. | |
| I mean, look man, if you can't appreciate a good fucking Whitesnake video, It's fun. | ||
| Doesn't mean it's the only thing you like. | ||
| Like, you know, I like ice cream, too. | ||
| I like other stuff. | ||
| I like stuff. | ||
| Some of the stuff I like is dumb. | ||
| I like South Park. | ||
| I like things. | ||
| South Park rules. | ||
| They fucking rule! | ||
| Did you see what they just did? | ||
| What'd they do? | ||
| They went at Harry and Meghan. | ||
| She's suing them. | ||
| And they're trying to sue them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, don't fucking kick that hornet's nest. | |
| Oh my god, yeah. | ||
| You're just going to empower them to go harder. | ||
| Pretty brilliant episode. | ||
| Not suing, just mad. | ||
| Just mad. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| They made an official statement that we are angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which was exactly what the episode was. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's exactly what they were making fun of him for. | ||
| Yeah, they nailed it. | ||
| Well, you know. | ||
| You know what's going on. | ||
| Someone wanted a lot of attention and now they got it. | ||
| That was the whole episode. | ||
| That was the episode. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We want privacy and they keep going on every magazine. | |
| We're on our privacy tour. | ||
| Yeah, the Babylon Bee went after him too for that. | ||
| I love how they just couldn't picture it. | ||
| We just want to be regular people. | ||
| And they're like, wait, no. | ||
| Job? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, go work at a supermarket. | ||
| Play pretend regular people. | ||
| Yeah, be a regular person. | ||
| Go get a job in an office. | ||
| That would be an intense level of white guilt. | ||
| If they just start working. | ||
| Fuck, I'm British royalty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn, we did some bad stuff. | ||
| She's half black. | ||
| And then the wife convinces you to leave the royal family. | ||
| Like, I'm out. | ||
| I don't need you guys. | ||
| Which is crazy, because don't you just get free money? | ||
| Dude, give me my allowance. | ||
| What do you get when you're a royal? | ||
| You get a stipend. | ||
| You get a bunch of cash. | ||
| What's the stipend? | ||
| I'm sure it's a million a month. | ||
| Yeah, what about the countessants? | ||
| Do they get paid? | ||
| Yeah, all of them. | ||
| That's a good question, right? | ||
| Like, what's the chart? | ||
| How far down do you go? | ||
| Before you're like, you don't get a check anymore. | ||
| What do you think you get if you're a prince? | ||
| What do you think a prince gets? | ||
| Oh, it's all jewels and rubies and shit. | ||
| I bet publicly their salary's nothing. | ||
| That they show. | ||
| But then, you know, they have fucking jewels. | ||
| They do get paid something, though, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That they show. | ||
| Then I saw one episode of that dumb crown show, and it was the queen bitching about how her fucking private yacht is too old and they're gonna have to do renovations. | ||
| She's the queen. | ||
| Like, turn this the fuck off. | ||
| Why do you care about this? | ||
| I got to play with my girlfriend about that show. | ||
| I was watching it. | ||
| I started saying Up The Ra the whole time. | ||
| I was like, I'm fucking Irish. | ||
| Fuck these people. | ||
| And she made me get a 23andMe. | ||
| She was like, you're not even Irish. | ||
| So I just did it yesterday. | ||
| Before I flew down there, I put on Braveheart. | ||
| I was like, look at this shit, dude. | ||
| Fuck the British. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There's still tension there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They hate the mix. | |
| Definitely. | ||
| I remember when I went to Belfast. | ||
| You know, you go to Northern Ireland, and they still have cars that are set up for bombs. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They had bomb-proof cars. | ||
| They had cars that were, like, the entire car was covered in metal. | ||
| Like, they had this huge bumper system set up. | ||
| It was, like, they're cars for bombs. | ||
| They're, like, because they might have to deal with the IRA. Like, this is not that long ago. | ||
| It was there, like, 2000-ish, somewhere in the 2000s, like, 2005, 2006 or something like that we were over there. | ||
| So, like, even back then they had these cars that were armored. | ||
| I was like, this is wild. | ||
| And, you know, when you talk to people and they talk to you about, like, the horrors that they had, the war between the Protestants and the Catholics. | ||
| Such a weird one. | ||
| Oh, crazy. | ||
| We're the same exact people. | ||
| Molotov cocktails coming through. | ||
| But it just shows you, people can other people so easy. | ||
| But they're gross gingers. | ||
| They got othered pretty hard by the British. | ||
| Oh, they're pretty fucking hard. | ||
| Yeah, like, your religion's illegal, your music's illegal, everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Freckles. | ||
| Freckles. | ||
| No more shillelaghs. | ||
| No more leprechauns. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need those fucking leprechauns. | |
| Keebles donating guns. | ||
| Well, the Irish are fun because they don't get offended. | ||
| They're one of the last groups. | ||
| I mean, look at the Notre Dame guy. | ||
| It's a drunk midget with a hat cocked. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| You can call them drunk pedophiles all you want and they have to just take it. | ||
| I have like five cousins with that tattoo. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Everyone has the Notre Dame thing. | ||
| Clover. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Isn't it funny because you never see like a Native American when the chiefs tattoo Yeah, that's just a conversation with a guy in his life Yeah He's got his face. | ||
| You called me gay? | ||
| When you're in Belfast, they barely speak English. | ||
| You barely can understand what they're saying. | ||
| And this guy, all he was saying to me, we were both hammered. | ||
| He's like, I'll fight any man. | ||
| That's all he kept saying. | ||
| I'll fight any man. | ||
| Fucking Chocardelle. | ||
| Whoever it is, I'll fight any man. | ||
| And I go, I believe you, bro. | ||
| Let's do another shot. | ||
| We were getting blasted. | ||
| They go hard. | ||
| We're drinking Guinness. | ||
| They go hard. | ||
| Do not. | ||
| They do not keep up. | ||
| Guinness and Schatz. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Them and the Scottish, even the British, they all go so fucking hard. | ||
| They go so hard. | ||
| British go hard on fucking drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Germans do. | |
| And they love cocaine. | ||
| They love coke, they love molly, they know how to deal with the fentanyl shit like we do. | ||
| Apparently over there, is that dying? | ||
| Apparently over there, even a lot of the royals are partying. | ||
| A lot of the politicians party, like everybody knows, like Boris, what's his name, the guy that's out now? | ||
| Karloff. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| The vampire. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Boris Johnson. | ||
| That guy partied. | ||
| That was like the thing about him is that he partied. | ||
| That's how they ended the COVID lockdowns. | ||
| They called him a massive party. | ||
| He said no party, he goes, you're right, everybody party. | ||
| He looks hungover all the time. | ||
| His hair's all fucked up. | ||
| He looks like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber. | ||
| I think he's having a good time. | ||
| He's out there having a good time. | ||
| Our pet's heads are falling off. | ||
| Just give me the goddamn number. | ||
| I think he's still around. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he's not their guy anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not. | |
| I have no idea what the fuck's going on. | ||
| Didn't they have a new lady and she quit quick? | ||
| She took the job for like six weeks and quit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the UK? That's right. | |
| When we were over there, the lady had just quit. | ||
| She was whatever they are, their queen, king, prime minister. | ||
| It's so funny hearing about their politics and you're like, I don't care at all about it. | ||
| I don't know your party system. | ||
| They care so much about us. | ||
| They love us. | ||
| Well, we're the weirdos that have the bombs that we've launched. | ||
| But we're the reality TV of news, for sure. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Kardashian, the Kanye's, I mean, we got the best stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we got the most stuff. | ||
| Yeah, we're the wildest to follow. | ||
| The Musk. | ||
| Yeah, and it's also, we have, like, free speech. | ||
| We have, like, a lot of weird shit over here. | ||
| Everybody has guns. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you were looking at us from another country's perspective, you're like, what a fucking crazy place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guns. | |
| Free speech. | ||
| They all have guns. | ||
| Mental illness. | ||
| So much mental illness. | ||
| They celebrate it. | ||
| A lot of pharma. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mental illness. | |
| Celebrate it. | ||
| We're working with so many homeless people. | ||
| We made it seem cool. | ||
| What percentage of celebrities come out of America worldwide? | ||
| It's a fucking, gotta be a giant number. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if they don't, they come here. | ||
| Like, all the Canadian funny people come here. | ||
| There's like three Chinese stars that ever got known here. | ||
| Well, that K-pop's huge. | ||
| K-pop. | ||
| Yeah, they're huge over there, but like Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee. | ||
| Jackie Chan, exactly. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yao Ming. | ||
| Dr. Ken. | ||
| Yao Ming. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Dr. Ken. | ||
| No. | ||
| The pandas. | ||
| They're all China. | ||
| Pandas. | ||
| Bobby Lee. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| You know how China leases us pandas? | ||
| They lease them. | ||
| Those are leased to us. | ||
| We don't own those. | ||
| They call those back if they want. | ||
| Yeah, and if we have a panda on our soil, they get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| That's how it starts. | ||
| That's how it starts. | ||
| Then they lose. | ||
| Yeah, they got it by the balls. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I think we pay them a million a year each. | ||
| Wow, interesting. | ||
| I love pandas. | ||
| I wonder how that really works. | ||
| After a change of policy in 84, pandas were leased instead of gifted. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leased. | |
| Leased. | ||
| We should fucking kill them. | ||
| Pandas? | ||
| Send a message. | ||
| We should be like, alright, we're done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I get my deposit back? | |
| We leased it, but it's damaged. | ||
| We're not paying the deposit. | ||
| You guys want to get my kids hooked on TikTok? | ||
| I'll show you what the fuck I do to pandas. | ||
| Fuck these pandas. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Right in the face. | ||
| We got them hostage. | ||
| Yeah, they fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, if there's an animal that represents America, it's funny that it's an eagle. | ||
| Because eagles are, it's kind of a fucking soulless, evil creature. | ||
| I like that, though. | ||
| That likes to, you know, eat dead fish. | ||
| Have you ever seen an eagle look straight on? | ||
| In the eyes? | ||
| They're just, like, straight forward. | ||
| They're just dorks. | ||
| They don't look regal at all. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're flying reptiles. | ||
| Franklin was right, dude. | ||
| We should've had the turkey. | ||
| He wanted the turkey. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| And they're everywhere. | ||
| That would've been sick. | ||
| Didn't he used to be a dog? | ||
| I think at one point in time it was the dog. | ||
| It was like a pit bull. | ||
| That would have been awesome. | ||
| That makes more sense. | ||
| I think it was a pit bull. | ||
| Pit bull would have been really sick. | ||
| Is that true that America's national animal was a pit bull at one point in time? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| It's just the rapper. | ||
| I feel like there's... | ||
| Yeah, it was just in Harlem. | ||
| Depends where. | ||
| That guy goes down some conspiracy rabbit holes. | ||
| You ever hear of Pitbull? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, he goes down some conspiracy rabbit holes. | ||
| Those dudes that grew up in Cuba, the guys that come from Cuba, they don't want to hear any fucking socialism bullshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Like we had it real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All those people that came out of those Eastern Bloc countries that have experienced actual real communism, they're like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Talk to Kristina Pazitsky about it. | ||
| She's like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Like, people whose family came from that part of the world where communism was real and it ruined everything and killed everybody, they're like, hey, you fucking idiots, you have no idea what you're calling for, what you're asking for, and what the history of this is worldwide. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, zero success stories. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| They're all convinced they're gonna do it right. | ||
| Not only not a success story, but like horrific. | ||
| Horrific. | ||
| The worst things possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Starved to death. | ||
| People eating their children in Russia. | ||
| No accountability. | ||
| The government elects the government. | ||
| It's my favorite part of Chernobyl. | ||
| I love how the Soviet Union handled disasters. | ||
| And there's a guy, they bring all the people in the town in, and this guy's like, look, everything's under control. | ||
| And one guy in the town's like, why is the air glowing? | ||
| And they're like, get him the fuck out of here. | ||
| The guy's like, everything's fine. | ||
| What is going on in East Palestine right now? | ||
| I think we might be getting hit with it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, do you see the videos of people throwing rocks into the water just to see the oil slicks that pool up? | ||
| No, really? | ||
| Because they're saying that, you know, it only went a certain distance away from the actual spill site. | ||
| But people are way far away, and they're experiencing dead animals, dead birds, dead pets, and then people are throwing rocks into rivers, and you see these big, huge, like, chemical circles where the water gets disturbed, just like oil slicks. | ||
| It looks really fucking sketchy. | ||
| Dead fish everywhere. | ||
| I think Pete's got it. | ||
| Well, he's definitely the most qualified job guy for the job, so yeah. | ||
| I mean he's definitely not there for any other reason other than he's amazing. | ||
| Are you alluding to something? | ||
| I'm just saying he's amazing. | ||
| He's amazing and he's doing a great job. | ||
| Great job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is there a party Ari as a Jew that's like, yeah, fuck Palestine. | ||
| Dude, legit a little bit. | ||
| When I started reading that story, I was like, wait, what? | ||
| Here we go! | ||
| Yeah, right away your hackles are up. | ||
| Like, oil spill? | ||
| Who gave the Palestinians oil? | ||
| And a bunch of trains broke. | ||
| Oh yeah, you guys hate fucking trains, dude. | ||
| We hate trains. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sabotage the trains, it's gotta be us. | ||
| They keep every fucking day, there's like some new explosion in a factory now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, am I just noticing it? | ||
| Is it the effect of like the news is just showing it to you because these things happen all the time? | ||
| Global warming. | ||
| But Jamie hit me with a- Jamie, tell me that- say that weird one you said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| That was bothering me. | ||
| Oak Ridge. | ||
| Oak Ridge? | ||
| The Oak Ridge boys? | ||
| Uranium plant on fire right now, today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says no injuries, but- Uranium fire, holy shit. | |
| He told me a weird one last night. | ||
| He was like, the two main food sources in the entire world is Ukraine and the Midwest. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's like, now there's a chemical fucking spill in the Midwest. | ||
| Sometimes when I see a lot of stories about the same thing, chemical spill, nuclear stuff, it's like, I feel like they're prepping us for some level of like, hey, we're going to change the laws on this. | ||
| We're just getting everybody ready. | ||
| That's what's scary, right? | ||
| They start pushing every shooting at a Seattle bar. | ||
| They start telling you about all of them. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| They're coming with something. | ||
| That could be something. | ||
| Well, there's definitely been times in history where they've done things like that, like where they've blown things up on purpose. | ||
| Hitler burnt the Reichstag. | ||
| Nero burnt Rome. | ||
| They do false flags to get people to panic and then they create new laws to clamp down on them. | ||
| That's a real standard practice that dictators use. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But they would never use that here in America. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're better. | ||
| We're human. | ||
| That's like why all the fucking checks and balances are in place in the way the government is run. | ||
| Like, to prevent that kind of shit from happening, because it happens everywhere people get into power. | ||
| So you have to have, like, people are like, well, if the Republicans can control the House, like, no, there has to be fighting. | ||
| Everybody has to fight. | ||
| If they're not fighting, they would be, it would be way worse. | ||
| If they were all in agreement, It would be fucking terrible for all of us, because they would all eventually pass laws that would give them more and more power. | ||
| It would be worse. | ||
| Well, that was the point of the Second Amendment. | ||
| It was just, hey, we need the guns in case the government comes at us. | ||
| It's funny that people don't want to believe that. | ||
| It's just, pay attention to the rest of the world whenever something happens and people have to be locked in their homes. | ||
| They'd comply. | ||
| People comply everywhere else but here. | ||
| Over here they're like, yeah, I don't like you telling me what to do. | ||
| Go to the beach. | ||
| Yeah, why can't I get in the ocean? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You can't tell me what to do. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Isn't it from sea to shining sea? | ||
| Yeah, they sanded over all the skate parks during COVID. Remember that shit? | ||
| That was wild. | ||
| Oh yeah, they took down all the nets. | ||
| So sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's just so bizarre how quickly it shifted. | |
| Bob Lazar. | ||
| Bob Lazar. | ||
| Someone should make a song about that. | ||
| Have you ever watched that guy talk? | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Bob Lazar? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen him. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When he says he saw that alien that one time, that kind of bothered me. | ||
| He didn't say he saw an alien. | ||
| He said he saw something that was in a chair and then these men were facing it. | ||
| It was smaller than them. | ||
| I think he seems like he's telling the truth. | ||
| The way he's described it is like, it could have been a doll. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| It could have been they were trying to figure out what size these things are. | ||
| He goes, I'm literally walking by looking at something in a 12 by 8 window. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We shouldn't talk about it until something happens. | ||
| It feels like just a lot of shit and shit. | ||
| A lot of jerking off. | ||
| A lot of jerking. | ||
| I got a police called on me on New Year's. | ||
| We do this Ecuador thing where you take an effigy, put a straw in a shirt and jeans, and you light it on fire and jump over it. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just an Ecuadorian tradition. | ||
| Were you in Ecuador when this happened? | ||
| No, we were in Staten Island. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was trying to be international. | ||
| They called the cops on us. | ||
| They were like, we got to report somebody's burning a body alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's what they used to do at Bohemian Grove. | ||
| What? | ||
| When they would go to Moloch the Owl God, when all the fucking elites like fucking Nixon and Ford and Reagan, they would go to this Bohemian Grove, and one of the things they would do is they would burn this effigy that was supposed to represent a body. | ||
| They were all dressed like druids and shit in front of this video of it. | ||
| Alex Jones got Nixon called it gay. | ||
| He said it's the faggiest thing. | ||
| He was talking about how the people behave there. | ||
| Apparently these guys would go there and just fuck each other. | ||
| And it was in Northern California, which is, you know, there's a lot of gay folk up in that region of the world. | ||
| And so this place was their spot where all these elites would go and they would party. | ||
| That's so great. | ||
| That's what Bohemian Grove was. | ||
| Yeah, pull up Nixon's account of Bohemian Grove. | ||
| Where's the lighter? | ||
| Who's got the lighter? | ||
| Ari. | ||
| Nixon's phone calls are fun, too. | ||
| A lot of N-word. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, it's full Michael Richards. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| So he's talking about it? | ||
| Nixon Tate discussed homosexuals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let us look at North Carolina. | |
| You understand? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's happening in San Francisco? | ||
| San Francisco is just gone. | ||
| It's clear all words, I don't have, but it isn't. | ||
| It isn't just down in the rapid part of town, but the upper class of San Francisco is that way. | ||
| The Bolivian Grove that I attend, one time to time, these years and the others have come there, but it is the most faggot man in the world. | ||
| That San Francisco crowd goes there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just terrible. | |
| I mean, don't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I won't shake hands with anybody from San Francisco. | |
| That place that they would go to, they would all dress up like they were druids. | ||
| There's video footage of it. | ||
| It's the craziest thing ever. | ||
| Can we see it? | ||
| I'd love to see this footage. | ||
| John Ronson and Alex Jones snuck in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It was like 2000. It was a long ass time ago. | ||
| Prove it. | ||
| So this is what it looks like. | ||
| There's a giant owl god statue and they burn this effigy in front of the giant owl god that's supposed to be representative of a sacrifice. | ||
| Is this the original Burning Man? | ||
| I mean, just go to Epstein's Island at this point. | ||
| At least you get laid. | ||
| Just take a flight. | ||
| It could just be these two places. | ||
| There's probably a shitload of those places we don't know about yet. | ||
| The Eyes Wide Shut places? | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, when did we learn about Epstein's Island? | ||
| I heard about it from Alex Jones ten years ago. | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. | ||
| There's a place where they take politicians and movie stars and they compromise them with underage girls. | ||
| Really? | ||
| An island? | ||
| Somebody owns an island? | ||
| Talking about that? | ||
| No. | ||
| He said he got invited to a party early on in stand-up and there was somebody's house in the hills and it was all the top-level celebrities like Leo and everyone like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then some guy's like, do you want to go in? | ||
| He goes, no, because if they ask me to get in the tub with them, I'm going to. | ||
| I don't want to go down this road. | ||
| Jeffrey Epstein was accused of sex trafficking young girls on his mysterious private island over 40 years ago. | ||
| A different millionaire escaped justice in a stunningly similar case. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| It's probably how they've always done it. | ||
| If you just think about it, if you want to get these world leaders on your side, the best way is to compromise them. | ||
| Have a bunch of dirt on them. | ||
| Vegas does that, right? | ||
| Videotapes fucking senators and getting hookers. | ||
| Vegas does that? | ||
| And then it's like, we have you. | ||
| When there was the old mob. | ||
| Oh, the mob Vegas. | ||
| I gotta stop playing Vegas. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| The old Vegas. | ||
| Back when they were running it dirty. | ||
| But yeah, cameras and the internet. | ||
| Cell phone cameras ruined a lot of fun. | ||
| You know, the internet. | ||
| Yeah, I think about it every time I whack off. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Someone's watching it. | ||
| Man, if this camera catches my fat face, it could ruin you with that face. | ||
| And it knows what you're Googling, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I don't even go privacy. | ||
| How long before there's zero privacy? | ||
| How long before anyone could look at anybody's phone and all information, they can't stop it. | ||
| Technology has just reached this point where all data and all numbers are just available to everybody at every time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Privacy is not expected. | |
| I hate for this to get out. | ||
| No privacy. | ||
| Everybody knows where you're going to be. | ||
| You can't lie. | ||
| Could happen. | ||
| Can't avoid people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, so sorry, my mother-in-law's in town. | |
| Really? | ||
| I see her pin on your pin. | ||
| My Google Glasses say you're lying. | ||
| Be able to see their temperature and shit go up. | ||
| Some people, when they're in relationships, they'll turn their location services on, so they're a significant other can track them wherever they are. | ||
| Yeah, I have friends that do that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, dude, you gotta never, you gotta stop. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| The owner of the Omaha Funny Bone does that with her kids. | ||
| It's one thing with your kids, but when you're doing it with your wife, or you're doing it with your, or, you know, it just seems crazy. | ||
| Well, it's just such a lack of trust. | ||
| Yeah, it's just very weird. | ||
| You're following where they are all the time. | ||
| That would make me not want to be with someone. | ||
| They were like, what are you doing? | ||
| Where are you? | ||
| Well, this isn't fun. | ||
| You're just fucking clinging on to me. | ||
| Some people want that kind of relationship. | ||
| They want someone controlling them. | ||
| They want a parent again. | ||
| They had a parent, and then they want a parent again. | ||
| If you put it that way, I kind of like it. | ||
| She's a dominating woman. | ||
| Clean your room. | ||
| I don't want to play an Xbox. | ||
| Can you spank me? | ||
| Spank my flat ass. | ||
| Do you want your dick sucked or not? | ||
| Clean your fucking room. | ||
| Ooh, I like that. | ||
| Make me suck your high heel. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| Ew, all the fucking things you stepped in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| Yuckaroo. | ||
| What kind of bacteria is on that? | ||
| I do do the old fish hook on the lady, and I'm just thinking about the subway pole and whatnot. | ||
| You fish hook your lady when you wash your hands first? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it from behind? | |
| Jesus. | ||
| Fish hook is a weird move. | ||
| Just like at dinner and shit. | ||
| I'm going to order the salmon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I get that old flamer? | |
| He's got it. | ||
| People are into weird shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| Choking. | ||
| I'm not good with the dirty talk. | ||
| I'm afraid I'm in this. | ||
| I've never even tried. | ||
| Dirty talk's insane. | ||
| Dirty talk sucks. | ||
| With this voice and the comedic rhythm. | ||
| I feel like such a loser. | ||
| Part of the problem is we're comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So we know how ridiculous it is. | ||
| What are you, whore? | ||
| You dirty... | ||
| Oh, you're a whore. | ||
| You call that a pussy, you fat skank? | ||
| Yeah, it's no good. | ||
| Nice pussy, you drunk bitch. | ||
| Some people, like, put on wigs and they play roles. | ||
| You have a terrible job. | ||
| Some people pretend to be, like, the UPS driver delivering a package. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of, that's alarming. | ||
| They put out of town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and then when you're out of town, the actual fucking thing happens. | |
| Why'd you use my name as the same guy as him? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck, Tim? | ||
| Tim is the actual UPS driver. | ||
| No, we're not doing that. | ||
| Do you want to fuck me, Tim, the guy who works Tuesdays? | ||
| Come on, it's a fantasy, baby. | ||
| Why don't I call you Tim? | ||
| Yeah, I've never been with a woman that was into any roleplaying or any, like, here's my fantasy. | ||
| I feel like an idiot. | ||
| Dirty talk is the worst. | ||
| You feel like it's current. | ||
| Not the role-playing, but I would feel stupid dressing up as a busboy. | ||
| Oh my god, imagine if that was like a thing. | ||
| We have to keep this fresh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lingerie's retarded. | ||
| Like, for sure. | ||
| A full costume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very odd. | |
| I don't mind it. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| It looks hot. | ||
| Although it does. | ||
| They look good. | ||
| Then you just take it off right away. | ||
| Take it off right away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then she has to take it off too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'd like to role-play with my lady having some money. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| That's the role-play? | ||
| That's a weird role. | ||
| That kind of relates when the lady has all the cash. | ||
| That's a good role play. | ||
| Yeah, that's hot. | ||
| Hey, thanks for paying the rent again. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| In this wild world. | ||
| Thanks for picking up this check. | ||
| This is hot. | ||
| Remember when I bought dinner last night? | ||
| That was fucking crazy. | ||
| I paid for dinner and I was laying in bed last night and I was like, That's it, though. | ||
| Once you pay for dinner, it's like literally a five-minute period where people are like, thanks. | ||
| Oh, thanks, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was pretty cool. | |
| And then it's nothing. | ||
| The only good thing is... | ||
| I was like, I'm just going to keep bringing it up. | ||
| You don't have to pay for the next one. | ||
| The next day, I'll be like, man, that was an expensive dinner. | ||
| That was nice I did that. | ||
| The pork chop. | ||
| But you're good for the next few, because you got that one. | ||
| That's the thing you get. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| Not with you two cheap fucks. | ||
| I would've paid for breakfast. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| This guy's the Bruce Lee. | ||
| You guys are unbelievable. | ||
| You're cheap as fuck, dude. | ||
| Mark's cheaper than me. | ||
| Mark's like, it's free. | ||
| You gotta take it. | ||
| I look up to Mark. | ||
| I can't waste shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We got a little stipend with the old hotel. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And I'm gonna eat all of it. | ||
| I'm gonna get shit to go, bring it on the plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| I can't let it go. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right! | |
| I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but if there's a free green room stuff, he takes it. | |
| It stays in your head. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I got a pocket full of hotel soap. | ||
| No, this is not growing up poor. | ||
| This is mental illness. | ||
| This is crazy shit. | ||
| Hotel soap is where I draw the line. | ||
| You don't use hotel soaps? | ||
| Hotel soap? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll take a hotel soap. | |
| I'll bring my own hotel soap. | ||
| I'm bringing my own soap. | ||
| You bring your own soap? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Lava? | ||
| No, defense soap. | ||
| I wear a special kind of soap. | ||
| It's like a soap that's designed for grapplers. | ||
| It keeps you from getting... | ||
| Smell me. | ||
| It smells good, right? | ||
| It makes you smell good. | ||
| I smell hot. | ||
| Tea tree oil, eucalyptus and shit. | ||
| It's a special kind of soap that prevents you from getting staph infections and ringworm and shit like that. | ||
| It helps protect you from that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You don't want to rub away all your natural oils. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just good. | |
| It's natural oils. | ||
| It's got parts. | ||
| It's got all kinds of good natural oils. | ||
| It's a natural soap. | ||
| It smells great. | ||
| Smells good, too. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| And you know, there's certain stuff, like certain soaps, you're getting a lot of perfumes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those perfumes will fuck with your skin. | ||
| Hotel soap bars, they kind of dry your skin out sometimes. | ||
| Big dry. | ||
| I'm ashy. | ||
| But you take them home? | ||
| Not as ashy as his grandparents, but ashy. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ! | ||
| He survived it! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| I don't like that talk, and I'm not a part of it. | ||
| Won't happen again. | ||
| It's impossible to avoid. | ||
| He can't stop himself. | ||
| Free Palestine, Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He can't stop himself. | |
| Free Palestine. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, how does this fucking play out? | ||
| You know, they weren't even going to give him FEMA money until Trump decided to go down there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm sure they would say, that's misinformation and propaganda, but they had denied them. | ||
| Why? | ||
| There's also the other side where the governor was like, I'm denying it. | ||
| I think he's a Republican governor. | ||
| Why would he deny it? | ||
| Isn't that true? | ||
| Maybe we're wrong. | ||
| We're getting both sides. | ||
| Maybe the reason why is because they want liability from the company and the company to pay for everything. | ||
| Maybe it's that. | ||
| Apparently the railroad that they were transporting those chemicals on was not set up for hazardous materials. | ||
| They're trying to cut costs. | ||
| Are you peeing already? | ||
| No, it's early. | ||
| You really peeing? | ||
| No, it's okay. | ||
| Let him pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead, pee. | |
| This is bad. | ||
| It's okay, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're getting old. | |
| Don't let him fuck with you. | ||
| You got those fresh sunglasses on, man. | ||
| Be a boss. | ||
| Go out there and piss. | ||
| You look like a police drawing of a pedophile. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| What do you look like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You hear the noise I made? | |
| It's like the Pillsbury. | ||
| I'm always just happy when Ari's going to the actual restroom. | ||
| I'm always happy when he leaves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| May I? Keep him coming there. | ||
| I think this episode, Mark gets fucked up. | ||
| Mark's under the radar every episode. | ||
| He's already ready to roll. | ||
| Yeah, he's tossing a holocaust joke. | ||
| He's making ashy jokes. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| The Jews had a good time. | ||
| Like, I mean, the Kanye, I think people propped up the Jews for a second. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| His special did well. | ||
| We had to pretend to like him. | ||
| It was what a perfect timing for his special. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I mean, it was like a cultural moment. | ||
| Like, the universe gave him a window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoop! | |
| Go right here. | ||
| Go right through. | ||
| It was like Ronnie Chang with Stop Asian Hate. | ||
| That helped him. | ||
| Well, he was around before Stop Asian Hate. | ||
| But that really... | ||
| Did it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's funny, too. | ||
| He is funny. | ||
| He's really funny. | ||
| He's a very good comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he was, before Stop Asian Hate, his big special came out. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| That was like the Netflix special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was like 2016, 17? | ||
| 17? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cool guy, too. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Good fucking dude. | ||
| Good egg. | ||
| Funny motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nice. | ||
| I like when we do that. | ||
| It feels weird without Ari, doesn't it? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Less anxiety in the room. | ||
| God, when he's fucking hitting you with the let's go hiking, let's fucking... | ||
| What do you think that's all about? | ||
| I don't think he even likes it. | ||
| I think he likes saying he likes hiking. | ||
| He likes nature. | ||
| I like what you're saying. | ||
| That's what bothers me. | ||
| No, he likes it. | ||
| That's what annoys me. | ||
| He's like, I gotta leave the country. | ||
| He goes to Guatemala. | ||
| You don't like leaving the fucking country. | ||
| You like saying you left the country. | ||
| That's me being an asshole. | ||
| This is fight words. | ||
| You might be on to something. | ||
| I'm going to say it to his face. | ||
| He goes to China for a year. | ||
| There's something about what you're saying that's resonating with me. | ||
| It's like getting in a cold plunge. | ||
| You know, it's like you can only do it for so long, but you pretend you like it. | ||
| Well, you've got to make it your personality if you cold plunge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Everybody goes all in. | ||
| It's like yoga or vegan diet. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Keep talking about it. | ||
| We get it, Huberman. | ||
| What's Trump doing? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| He was at Palestine today. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Of course he was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| Look at all those guys in the background. | ||
| Who do you think that guy with a mustache is voting for? | ||
| It ain't Biden. | ||
| It ain't Hillary. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| It's a costume. | ||
| It's like a Guess Who character. | ||
| Look at that mustache. | ||
| That guy's got a lot of guns. | ||
| Damn, look at all those guys. | ||
| They all look the same. | ||
| Even the woman looks the same. | ||
| Look at that fucking lunch lady. | ||
| She's got bitter beer face. | ||
| What is he saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just said finish. | |
| I'll go back. | ||
| There's their leader. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| Just the normal dude. | ||
| Like, our leader. | ||
| The most handsome man in the world. | ||
| But Biden made it. | ||
| I want to thank those of you that helped. | ||
| John Rourke, who's fantastic. | ||
| Blue line moving. | ||
| Is John here? | ||
| Hello, John. | ||
| Good job. | ||
| Got a lot of trucks coming up with water, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| You're a fantastic guy. | ||
| Friend of my son, Don, who's also here. | ||
| Where's Don? | ||
| Good job. | ||
| Did you get him to do that? | ||
| I think it was a 95% voter rate for Trump in Ohio. | ||
| He helps. | ||
| Thank you very much, John. | ||
| Appreciate it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| That can't be true. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| He's helping to swing state. | ||
| He's giving shout-outs. | ||
| Palestine. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's giving shout-outs to all the people that delivered water. | ||
| The new, the MAGA hats with the giant font is so fucking funny. | ||
| They went even harder. | ||
| Dude, when I went to... | ||
| They went harder. | ||
| I think I told you. | ||
| When I was in Mar-a-Lago, every dude there was wearing a flat brim, That said M-A-G-A, like a bedazzled MAGA hat. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| What is Mar-a-Lago like? | ||
| So sick. | ||
| I tried to pretend. | ||
| As soon as I got in there, I was like, yo, this is it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You can tour it? | ||
| No. | ||
| I got in. | ||
| Somebody I knew there worked with the Trumps. | ||
| They came to my show, and we got drunk, and they're like, do you want to come to Mar-a-Lago? | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| I thought they were full of shit. | ||
| The next day, they're like, all right, we'll pick you up. | ||
| You gotta go past armed guards. | ||
| They're like, we gotta get this guy on the list. | ||
| But yeah, then you get in there, and it's a bunch of old billionaires, like dudes. | ||
| Is it a country club? | ||
| It's very small. | ||
| It's a community? | ||
| It's very small. | ||
| There's like one spa. | ||
| There's that big room. | ||
| And he lives there. | ||
| Yeah, he lives in like a wing. | ||
| Which is so wild. | ||
| He lives in a place where people can visit. | ||
| And then everyone sits in that patio restaurant area and they're like, he might come out today. | ||
| Oh my god, he might come out today! | ||
| And that room is hilarious. | ||
| Look how beautiful it is. | ||
| It's so grand. | ||
| There's a solid gold constitution. | ||
| Old rich people money. | ||
| That's pretty. | ||
| That's a beautiful place. | ||
| Welcome to Mar-a-Lago, the crown jewel of Palm Beach. | ||
| It's gotta be a golf course. | ||
| No, no golf course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Palm Beach is close to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, look at that. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Close to West Palm, right? | ||
| We should have a show there. | ||
| It is, yeah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I thought the Mellow Mushroom was there. | ||
| We should do a show at Mar-a-Lago. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| We were talking about doing Protect Our Parks, if Trump would just set us up a studio. | ||
| Don't even say we're there. | ||
| He would do it. | ||
| Just a bunch of palm trees behind us. | ||
| Just doing it. | ||
| We didn't even have to tell anybody we're there. | ||
| It's like a baby being led away from sacrifice. | ||
| Just we'll occasionally talk about Florida. | ||
| Florida's great. | ||
| We had a great meal last night. | ||
| Where the fuck are you? | ||
| It was something about, I forget what it is, he had like a giant flag in the front of it, and there was like laws saying your flag couldn't be that tall, so he elevated the land. | ||
| So he elevated like a hill to put the flag on. | ||
| That's what America's about, loopholes. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| He's a big loophole guy. | ||
| Yo, loves a loophole. | ||
| You tell him you can't have a flag high. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Is the stick itself? | ||
| Is it stopping planes? | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it an eyesore? | |
| No, it's not that big. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, in that area, everyone loves that guy. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| Yeah, you had to elevate the ground. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Smart move. | ||
| It is a good move. | ||
| It's a good hack. | ||
| It was weird though. | ||
| It was very uncomfortable. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| Just seeing rich people, weird dudes wearing a MAGA hat. | ||
| Everyone's wearing a MAGA hat. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| With like a blazer. | ||
| Oh, that is weird. | ||
| It's a weird combination of formal dress and baseball hat. | ||
| And then just a ridiculous hat. | ||
| No one's ever done that before Trump. | ||
| Like, in terms of like a politician, like when he was on television, he had a bad hair day, just slap on the old MAGA hat. | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| Yeah, you never saw a Reagan in a hat. | ||
| A baseball hat? | ||
| If he was in a hat, it'd probably be like a cowboy hat. | ||
| Let it slide. | ||
| Pretend to be a cowboy? | ||
| Yeah, he's pretending. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like George W. Wasn't George W. from Connecticut? | |
| Maine. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| They're from Maine. | ||
| They're from fucking Maine. | ||
| They're Reagan with a cowboy hat. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Trump dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trump with a fucking cowboy hat. | |
| No neck. | ||
| Clinton had a cowboy hat. | ||
| They all rock. | ||
| That finger stinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just for all their tourists or whatever. | |
| He's dressed like Tony. | ||
| I look like you. | ||
| Reagan. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| He's old there. | ||
| I don't know anything, but I've been watching... | ||
| Dude, on the plane I was watching the fucking... | ||
| I've been watching the Ken Burns Vietnam. | ||
| Heavy stuff. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| I cried on the plane like a fucking idiot. | ||
| Oh, is that why you cry? | ||
| Watching a PBS doc. | ||
| You're out of meatballs. | ||
| Mark, if you're going to say nasty stuff... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| That was a nice ride, though. | ||
| I can remember when the Vietnam War ended. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was a little kid. | ||
| I was living in San Francisco, and I remember thinking, thank God we're never going to do war again. | ||
| Thank God it's over while I'm a child. | ||
| I remember thinking that. | ||
| Boy, glad they figured this out. | ||
| That was long. | ||
| Nine years? | ||
| Dude, from day one, they were like, we're not going to win. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| From day one. | ||
| They just had to be there? | ||
| McNamara's in there with LBJ like, this is never going to work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they just kept doing it. | ||
| A lot of heroin out there. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I mean- Why this day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| It had to be a part of what was going on. | ||
| I was drinking on the plane. | ||
| And I like, while watching this, I like drunk texted my uncle who got wounded in Vietnam. | ||
| I was like, where'd you get hurt? | ||
| It's like a crazy text to send. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And then he explained how he got hurt and it was like, whoa. | ||
| I went to the... | ||
| How did he get hurt? | ||
| He was a forward observer for his group. | ||
| It was the battle of... | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I'll find it. | ||
| But it was 200 US soldiers surrounded by about 3,000 Viet Cong. | ||
| Or RVN. And then he was the forward observer that was calling in coordinates. | ||
| So they were all trying to get him They got him. | ||
| They hit him with an RPG eventually. | ||
| But he was the one up front calling in the gunships, calling the artillery. | ||
| Where to go? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Wow, like a spotter and crew. | ||
| There he is! | ||
| Drang Valley Incident, 1965. Google Gillis Vietnam. | ||
| No, his last name's not Gillis. | ||
| What's crazy is the Vietnamese don't even hate Americans. | ||
| No, they hate the Chinese way more. | ||
| That shit's all past them. | ||
| Who doesn't? | ||
| They call it the American War and not the... | ||
| It was the Battle of Hill 102, aka the Battle of Que Son Valley. | ||
| 65 Americans killed, 200 Americans surrounded by 2,000. | ||
| But then I was a little buzzed. | ||
| I'm asking them fucked up questions. | ||
| I'm like, what's it like? | ||
| What's it like a broadest question? | ||
| He said, what happens is you enter a zone where you just shut down your emotions and focus on what you need to do to survive and protect your men. | ||
| No time to process feelings. | ||
| There's enormous chaos, but you were acutely aware of everything. | ||
| At least that was my experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He said, this is a wild response. | ||
| That's a great response. | ||
| He said, at one point there were waves of MVA running towards us, but my sole focus was to stop them from getting too close with a gunship known as Spooky. | ||
| I mowed them down as they advanced. | ||
| Without the relentless stream of fire from Spooky, we would have been overrun. | ||
| Thank God for Spooky. | ||
| Gunship. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Gunship saying fire to this area and they fucking light it up. | ||
| I was talking to him, he said, I was the forward observer, so my job was to keep artillery jet strikes and gunship fire raining down on the enemy. | ||
| Does he want you reading this on air? | ||
| It'll be alright. | ||
| That's why they were trying to get through me and take me out, which they eventually did, but I took a lot of them out first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| I was drinking, watching the documentary on my phone, like, damn. | ||
| Smoking a joint with that guy on a porch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoo! | |
| I'll tell you. | ||
| My other uncle was in Vietnam and was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spooky! | |
| My other uncle was in Vietnam and he never talks about it. | ||
| That guy, if you ask me, he's... | ||
| They downed Spooky. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| 1968, February 15th. | ||
| Nine killed in downing of Spooky gunship. | ||
| To the Spooky. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Spooky. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Ay-ay-ay. | ||
| Well, at least he's still with us. | ||
| What a fucked up war that was. | ||
| I think Segura's dad was a nom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was he? | |
| What a terrible fucking dumb war. | ||
| Silly. | ||
| Waste of time. | ||
| Not only a dumb war, but a dumb war that came about because of a false flag. | ||
| Tonkin? | ||
| Yeah, Gulf of Tonkin. | ||
| They lied about an incident to try to get us into the war. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| That's like what we were talking about before with false flags. | ||
| It really happened. | ||
| They used to do them all the time. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| You said they wouldn't do them here? | ||
| That's what they did. | ||
| Yeah, they 100% would. | ||
| Lesser known fact that Jim Morrison's father, Captain George Stephan Morrison, commanded the carrier division during the Gulf of Tonkin incident. | ||
| CIA. The Gulf of Tonkin incident famously gave the Johnson administration the justification they needed to escalate the Vietnam War. | ||
| J.R.R. Tonkin. | ||
| Wow, it's his dad. | ||
| Imagine that? | ||
| And your dad comes break on through to the other side? | ||
| I know, that's why he went so counter-culture. | ||
| Your son, rather, becomes that? | ||
| Yeah, he's making the music they're playing in the fucking helicopters. | ||
| Great music. | ||
| Great tunes. | ||
| The 60s was the best music. | ||
| Yeah, they got the music. | ||
| They had a lot of shit to deal with. | ||
| That was the first time I grew up. | ||
| A lot of shit to deal with and a lot of drugs. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| The drop-off is so stark, the difference between music and automobile design. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Once they make drugs illegal, American automobile design turned into dog shit. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Straight dog shit. | ||
| Probably about 73 went down. | ||
| No, before then. | ||
| It was literally like the 71 model years, the last good year for muscle cars. | ||
| And only for Barracudas and Challengers. | ||
| By the time they got to Camaro, 71, they were already fucked. | ||
| Mustang became in the 80s, became just a dumb hatchback. | ||
| Terrible piece of shit car. | ||
| It wasn't all muscly. | ||
| Yeah, but back in the 60s, they were the most magnificent cars of all time. | ||
| Those guys nailed it. | ||
| 67 and a half Mustang. | ||
| They nailed it. | ||
| 69, but then once the Schedule I Drug Act happened in 1970, so you've got to realize in 1970, they're already making the 1971 model. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you got the 1971, which is like the last good year. | ||
| Everything else is dog shit. | ||
| But how do you explain Europe? | ||
| Because Europe cars look great in the 60s and suck in the 70s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they didn't have a Vietnam. | ||
| Well, some of the best Porsches are like 73, 74. They had some amazing Porsches. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Then that little 911 that they made back then was so light. | ||
| Is that what you got? | ||
| 911? | ||
| 2002. I got a Beamer. | ||
| He's got that beautiful little Beamer, that's 2002. Pull it up! | ||
| Oh my god, it's a great little car. | ||
| Fuck cars. | ||
| That's a 73, but that's the car that says Beamer. | ||
| That's such a zippy little car. | ||
| Oh, it's a go-kart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a little box. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, you're scooting around and it's almost like a smart car. | ||
| It's so small. | ||
| Yeah, four-cylinder engine. | ||
| It's so light. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great, great old car, man. | ||
| Someone was going to do those cars and put modern M2 engines in them. | ||
| I know we've looked at this. | ||
| I think we have. | ||
| I think every episode. | ||
| It's a fucking beautiful car. | ||
| And then I go, I have a Chevy Cruze, and then you go, let's get you a cool car. | ||
| You need a cool car. | ||
| And then I go, Chevy Cruze is cool. | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not real. | ||
| And what about R. Kelly? | ||
| We bring up Bar Kelly. | ||
| We are redundant as fuck. | ||
| We'll bring up Kanye and cut it out. | ||
| Kanye? | ||
| No, this time we don't have to cut it out. | ||
| He's back. | ||
| EA rules. | ||
| He's back with Adidas. | ||
| He's back again? | ||
| And we got a Jew here. | ||
| Yeah, he was fine for like two weeks. | ||
| People were like, oh, let's move on. | ||
| Can I get that lighter? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But he's still removed from all social media, isn't he? | ||
| He'll be back. | ||
| He'll be back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The company's like, hey, dude, just chill out for a minute. | ||
| He seems like a tough hang. | ||
| You had him on here. | ||
| Was he kind of a nightmare? | ||
| He's, you know, he's mentally ill genius. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| He can spew out, he can rant for hours. | ||
| It's like having a conversation with him, like dial him into a conversation. | ||
| It's like a volley, a back and forth volley is kind of difficult. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just wants to rant. | ||
| It doesn't sound like he would be like, how's the barbecue here? | ||
| Right, none of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, nothing more. | |
| Say, I'm Walt Disney. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I'm Ford. | ||
| I'm Steve Jobs. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
H to the Izzo was pretty good. | |
| That was pretty awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Cold Digger? | ||
| He's got amazing songs. | ||
| Black Skinhead is one of the greatest fucking opening beats of any song ever. | ||
| That power that allowed him to create that kind of music is also what fucks him up with rants. | ||
| He winds up saying some things that are not really that thought out. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| What's that like? | ||
| I think he's funny. | ||
| The way he dances around it. | ||
| Do you think, like, the Adidas thing is the wildest shit ever? | ||
| He'll be back. | ||
| Everybody cut ties with him? | ||
| You think they'll be back with him? | ||
| Wait, Jamie, isn't that going on? | ||
| I heard they're already back. | ||
| Kanye and Adidas are back on. | ||
| According to the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is it? | |
| He can't say that. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's been rumors online that it's happening. | ||
| Kanye and Adidas partnership could be back on. | ||
| It hurts us flat, according to the internet. | ||
| Less than two weeks ago was revealed that German sportswear label could lose up to $1 billion in revenue as a result of the split. | ||
| According to the industry analysts gauging leftover stock, rumors are now suggesting that it all is not lost between the pair. | ||
| These rumblings are coming from ardent Yeezy fans wishing for their faves to reunite, not from Yee or Adidas themselves. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Also, it's gotta feel good for the Jewish community to be like, nah, these Germans are losing a fucking billion dollars. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We're going up to the wrong source. | ||
| We got you in the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gotcha. | |
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| He was out of line, but you guys were started by Nazis. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| I lost a job over some racist tweet a long time ago about IBM. They were like, you can't do an IBM commercial. | ||
| And I'm like, you made processing to let the Jews get processed faster. | ||
| But that's why. | ||
| They can't have any more. | ||
| That was the last straw. | ||
| Enough, they said. | ||
| What was the tweet? | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| I bet it wasn't funny. | ||
| Let's nip it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What's wrong with that? | ||
| What? | ||
| I bet IBM was right. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What are you spazzin', throwing shit? | ||
| What do you got, Whippets? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Did you really bring Whippets? | ||
| Just some Whippets, bro. | ||
| Dude, those give you brain damage. | ||
| Hand it over. | ||
| You don't need that in your life. | ||
| I'm not throwing a Whippet. | ||
| You're gonna do Whippets? | ||
| What are you, 12? | ||
| I used to do Whippets when I worked at Newport Creamery. | ||
| When I worked at an ice cream store. | ||
| Yeah, we did that. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| It just gives you a headache. | ||
| It's not really a great radio. | ||
| What a fun surprise, though. | ||
| You're really doing this? | ||
| I heard somebody go, uh, one for ten, three for twenty? | ||
| You have machines? | ||
| Look, you have little gauges and shit. | ||
| Where do you buy this? | ||
| Any headshot. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It explodes. | ||
| What if it explodes? | ||
| It's compressed gas. | ||
| What if that explodes and you lose your fingers? | ||
| Oh, you're going to do it out of a balloon? | ||
| Why are you excited about this? | ||
| I'm happy he's doing it. | ||
| Why don't you just suck on it? | ||
| Why do you have to use the balloon? | ||
| Mike Rowland came by and he saw us on the stoop right by the cell. | ||
| He goes, like the older comics, he goes, are you guys doing whippets on a stoop? | ||
| Tell me what the whippets do. | ||
| It just makes everything giggly for a minute. | ||
| But doesn't it give you brain damage? | ||
| For like 30 seconds. | ||
| Google does whippets give you brain damage. | ||
| No, don't do that while you're doing drugs. | ||
| No, no, definitely do it. | ||
| Do it after he does it. | ||
| I need to know because I'm considering doing it. | ||
| Oh, you should definitely do a whippet. | ||
| Well, I need to know if it gives you brain damage. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Easy, big fella. | ||
| Don't do a whippet. | ||
| No, you need to take the edge off. | ||
| I know, that's what I'm saying, right? | ||
| Yeah, this is a cold plunge in one package. | ||
| I take it back, I take it back. | ||
| Please do a Whippet, dude. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Is this legal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You're gonna forget how to play pool. | ||
| Okay, do Whippets kill brain cells? | ||
| Researchers have made clear that Whippets can deprive the heart and brain of much-needed oxygen. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Temporarily. | |
| So it is everything. | ||
| What if you're into choke sex? | ||
| Ah, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, he did it! | |
| The whole thing? | ||
| He's gonna faint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's it doing to you Wouldn't it be great if he was hilarious? | |
| Like it turned him funny? | ||
| What is it doing to you? | ||
| This is gonna be a Guinness record for the oldest Jew to do a whippet. | ||
| Can you describe it? | ||
| Can you describe it? | ||
| Whoa, he's gone! | ||
| Look how hard he's laughing. | ||
| Oh, this is gonna help your IBM sales. | ||
| IBM was right, dude. | ||
| Irritable bowel. | ||
| Memory loss, vitamin B depletion, long-term depletion causes brain and nerve damage. | ||
| Oh, wow, he's fucked up. | ||
| Fuck it, fuck it, dude. | ||
| It can be both illegal and dangerous. | ||
| Using nitrous can have serious health consequences including seizures, permanent nerve damage and even death. | ||
| Seizure salad. | ||
| We did that one before. | ||
| Julia's seizure. | ||
| So what did it do for you? | ||
| You're still going? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Is it over? | ||
| I don't want you to have a Hamlin. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| You just start going. | ||
| Jamie's done him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've done him. | |
| He's fine. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he do? | |
| Try to explain what he did. | ||
| It just makes everything warbly. | ||
| And then it just like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You just start laughing. | ||
| Are you back, a hundo? | ||
| I'm back, a hundo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Good to have you back, fucking hat. | ||
| So you feel dumber or what? | ||
| No, I feel fine. | ||
| You don't feel like it gave you any brain damage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was always pretty dumber, dude. | |
| Do like 30 whippets. | ||
| You're going to do another one? | ||
| No, I'm going to light it up for somebody else. | ||
| It's all boxed. | ||
| It's like in a sleeve of Oreos. | ||
| This is highly illegal, I think. | ||
| It's not illegal at all. | ||
| You can buy it at any head shop. | ||
| I think it's illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whippet wave washes campus five days ago. | |
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's going to fuck someone up on a whippet. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| They call them whomps. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's what I know. | ||
| Okay, for years nitrous oxide has been used for quick highs, also known as laughing gas, whippets, or whomps among students. | ||
| Tulane! | ||
| That's New Orleans! | ||
| The use and abuse of the inhalant is growing. | ||
| Oh shit, they're hot right now. | ||
| How illegal is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll be alright. | |
| He bought them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll be alright. | |
| Just blaring it out. | ||
| I'm not doing that shit. | ||
| Just hold on to it though. | ||
| You're gonna just hold on to it. | ||
| Nah, I know what you're doing. | ||
| You're gonna make me hold it and then you're gonna call me gay and I'm gonna do it. | ||
| You are gay. | ||
| You got it down. | ||
| I'm not going to do it. | ||
| You know the pattern. | ||
| I'm going to stand my ground on this. | ||
| No, you got to try. | ||
| You can't be that guy. | ||
| What about like a halfie? | ||
| Can I do a halfie? | ||
| You got to do the whole thing. | ||
| It's not that big. | ||
| It's not that big a deal. | ||
| It's not that big a deal, says Ari. | ||
| The last thing I want to do is have a seizure on the fucking Joe Rogan. | ||
| If we lost Norman because of this, a major enabler of Whippet uses accessibility. | ||
| The minimum age requirement to purchase a whipped cream charger is either 18 or 21, depending on the state. | ||
| In New Orleans. | ||
| In New Orleans. | ||
| Women's whippets are widely available in areas where students frequent. | ||
| My friends did have grown up. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| I just inhale? | ||
| Hold on, I'll do it with you. | ||
| You gotta do the whole thing. | ||
| It says long-term use can lead to vitamin B12 deficiency, which also leads to neuropathies, numbness, trouble, walking, irritability, fatigue. | ||
| Yeah, but that's like if you're doing it every day. | ||
| You'll be totally fine. | ||
| But your dad's a rabbi. | ||
| He didn't want to see you doing this shit. | ||
| It's very cold. | ||
| On the hands. | ||
| This guy was in Hebrew school. | ||
| Are you doing it? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| I'll come with you. | ||
| I don't think it's legal. | ||
| It's totally legal. | ||
| Jamie, is it legal? | ||
| I can. | ||
| It's a lot of air. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| I'm not a lawyer. | ||
| Spy balloon. | ||
| Maybe we just, like, shit and put a video on them while they're doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not. | |
| So we can deny. | ||
| Deny, deny, deny. | ||
| It's just balloons. | ||
| They're just breathing in a helium. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Make a theater. | |
| March 24th, New York City. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Norman, how is it? | |
| Norman, isn't it good? | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| It's just blurry and scary. | ||
| Scary? | ||
| This is bad. | ||
| Is it bad? | ||
| This is bad. | ||
| I'm going to a dark place. | ||
| You guys are afraid of the gravity bombs if you're doing fucking whippets. | ||
| I'm not doing fucking either, bro. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's bad. | |
| These suck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's do coke next time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's way better. | ||
| Next time. | ||
| We got it here. | ||
| I would not do it. | ||
| I don't do that stuff. | ||
| Anyway, my uncle was surrounded by fucking Charlie. | ||
| And Harold. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| What was his... | ||
| Did you ever talk to him about his transition period from coming back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He transitioned? | ||
| He had a tough time. | ||
| Yeah, that must have been hard. | ||
| He came back... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was just joking. | ||
| It's funny to talk about a serious subject while... | ||
| Alright, I think we had enough. | ||
| Ari has not had enough. | ||
| He's going to keep going. | ||
| You just gave me this. | ||
| I can't remember yesterday. | ||
| So you didn't like it? | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I just got real blurry and my brain went away for like two seconds. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Not a fan. | ||
| No. | ||
| I didn't laugh. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| You didn't get enough in. | ||
| You got brain damage, bro. | ||
| I was doing it with Sal. | ||
| Sal breathed a little bit in and he's like, it's not working. | ||
| My voice is exactly the same. | ||
| You're going to have Sal fucking dick. | ||
| Helium. | ||
| Good comedy club. | ||
| Hey, hey. | ||
| He's gonna tie it up for later. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Put that in your ass. | ||
| Good luck untying that. | ||
| You ever untie a balloon? | ||
| It's almost impossible. | ||
| You gotta do it halfway. | ||
| Yeah, the old balloon nut. | ||
| Whoever came up with a balloon knot was nailed it. | ||
| You tried to show me your butt this morning, dude. | ||
| I did try to show you my butt. | ||
| I knocked on his door. | ||
| He was fucking assinated. | ||
| That old Jewish dick was out there. | ||
| That thing's fucking nice dick. | ||
| Big old. | ||
| Big dick. | ||
| That thing looked like my boner. | ||
| That thing, that was hurtful. | ||
| He's got big balls, too. | ||
| Yeah, he's got giant, saggy dick and nuts. | ||
| They sag so hard. | ||
| And then he was like, wait, wait, I want to show you. | ||
| He was trying to show me his asshole. | ||
| I was like, dude, fuck no. | ||
| He didn't wait at all. | ||
| Don't you have like a disastrous asshole? | ||
| It's the worst one. | ||
| You have like an East Palestine asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the worst one. | |
| Get Pete Buttigieg to look at it. | ||
| Buttigieg will get in there. | ||
| He'll get in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The jeweler's loop. | |
| Let me check it out. | ||
| Let me change some laws. | ||
| Red Band made a video of it back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, your ass looks terrible. | ||
| I remember that video. | ||
| I saw that video. | ||
| It looked like Homer Simpson's mouth. | ||
| Yeah, it looked like a pussy. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| Homer Simpson's mouth. | ||
| Oh yeah, they changed it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It looks like a cheeseburger. | ||
| Is that what it always looks like? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I had hemorrhoids then. | ||
| The best was the early Legion of Skanks in the back door of the creek. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| And they were like, Lewis, like, my asshole's terrible. | ||
| And then after they're like, oh, let's look at Lewis's asshole. | ||
| I'm like, what's it, Ari, why are you being quiet? | ||
| I'm like, because mine will be the worst one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sort of like you guys get out of the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you show it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were disgusted. | ||
| We had to look at each other's assholes. | ||
| No pushbacks was the rule. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Early skanks. | |
| Early skanks. | ||
| Yeah, it's a hemorrhoid. | ||
| Why can't you push back? | ||
| Get out of there. | ||
| You're forward observers. | ||
| You're like my uncle. | ||
| You know what's weird when the asshole winks? | ||
| When it squeezes on you? | ||
| When you flex it, it winks. | ||
| I think we're all doing it right now. | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| I think every one of us is doing it. | ||
| It's pretty fun. | ||
| Philadelphia Giggles. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| So what did your uncle do to, like, what was it like when he came back? | ||
| I think he came back and he had a very stressful job. | ||
| What'd he do? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| It's pretty, once I tell you what he did, it's specific. | ||
| He was like fucking Forrest Gump, dude. | ||
| He was in... | ||
| Three Mile Island, he was at the World Trade Center, he was in Vietnam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's retarded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He was everywhere? | ||
| Oh, he's an incredible story. | ||
| Connect the dots. | ||
| Shrimp reels, shrimp fish, shrimp rice. | ||
| I think I was reading an article about it, because he's pretty popular. | ||
| And he was describing how his job was very stressful, because he worked in Wall Street. | ||
| And he thought he was like blaming all his stress on Wall Street, and then it was like clearly it was you got hit with a fucking RPG and almost died. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| And you mowed people down in Vietnam. | ||
| And then he went back to Vietnam and saw it and was like, oh, this is all of my problems. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he went back? | ||
| He went back. | ||
| What? | ||
| He went to exactly where he was. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Imagine getting out and going back. | ||
| What a nightmare. | ||
| I think he said he felt bad because he got wounded pretty severely. | ||
| Like his calf got blown off. | ||
| He's missing a nipple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's what? | |
| He got drilled. | ||
| He's Miss Pat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's Miss Pat. | |
| But he was like, I was too reckless and now I'm not with my men. | ||
| And he held that against himself. | ||
| Was he a drug addict and whatnot? | ||
| I don't know about drugs. | ||
| I know alcohol. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| He was too reckless. | ||
| He was like, I was too reckless. | ||
| I fucked that up. | ||
| Now I'm not with my men. | ||
| So he was like holding that against himself. | ||
| And then he saw what happened and where he was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was like, of course I got wounded. | |
| They were coming at me. | ||
| People shooting at me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They knew I was the guy calling in the airstrux. | ||
| Blew his calf off. | ||
| Yeah, his legs. | ||
| He's literally missing his fucking calf. | ||
| Nipples off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Calf in half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| Calf in half! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He can't help himself! | |
| He's a pun machine! | ||
| Calfway house! | ||
| Super Bowl calf time. | ||
| The calf time show. | ||
| We saw it. | ||
| We were there on shrooms. | ||
| Rihanna. | ||
| Ironically, that's the name of the guy who shot him. | ||
| Rihanna. | ||
| I knew you'd like it. | ||
| I can do a little bit of you. | ||
| Take it on. | ||
| Yeah, I can try. | ||
| Go nuts. | ||
| Apparently, Vietnam is one of the most amazing places to visit. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where'd you go? | ||
| I started in Saigon, Ho Chi Minh. | ||
| Ho Chi Minh, that's what they call it. | ||
| And then I went to the south, to some tiny town, away from backpackers. | ||
| I was getting sick of everybody. | ||
| You get sick of all the fucking tourists. | ||
| Whites, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| District 1 of Ho Chi Minh is like TGI Friday. | ||
| It's whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, they have the War Remnants Museum. | ||
| It's the Vietnam War Memorial Museum. | ||
| And they have a GI outside. | ||
| He was like, it's all propaganda in there. | ||
| Because it just talks about the senators who later came out and said, like, oh yeah, I killed like 50 innocent people once. | ||
| Look at a bucket of ice. | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| There was one senator that they were applauding him as a war hero, and then finally he just said, I have to come clean. | ||
| Yeah, I got some shit. | ||
| Oh, I don't remember that. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, I raped a bunch of people, killed a bunch of innocent people, we just went down and mowed out of it. | ||
| And he was like running on the fact that he's a hero. | ||
| And then he was like, oh, I have to see him do it. | ||
| Yeah, when Jamie comes back, we'll figure out who that guy was. | ||
| That Ken Burns Vietnam, though, is fucking wild. | ||
| It's very dense. | ||
| I tried to watch it the first time. | ||
| I've watched, like, it is dense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then once you get into it, it's like, god damn. | ||
| Was it 12 hours? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| So fucking long. | ||
| Great for flights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the pandemic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The Bombay sandwich there is amazing. | ||
| It's the fresh bread. | ||
| They got that from the French. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Bon me. | ||
| Bon me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Mark Norman's infecting you. | ||
| Yeah, I can do it. | ||
| Spreading his spores on you. | ||
| I can try. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To do me, you gotta go, it's gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's it, dude. | ||
| Fuck, bro. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| Fuck, bro. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty good. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| No works. | ||
| Learn to whip it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Thank you, J-Bo. | ||
| Thank you, Jamie. | ||
| Jamie, can you look up whoever that senator was that told the story about how they were trying to make him out to be a hero in Vietnam, and he was like, I can't do this. | ||
| And he told his actual true story of what happened over there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What about the Senators with the gay tap under the stall? | ||
| Oh, that guy was great. | ||
| Oh, that was a thing that they were doing in, like, restrooms of, like, airports and shit, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Fucking, how do they even work that out? | ||
| How do you risk that? | ||
| What a Hail Mary. | ||
| It's a Hail Mary. | ||
| Well, but if you don't know the code. | ||
| I think that's part of the fun. | ||
| I don't know who this is going to be. | ||
| I think these guys are on drugs, too. | ||
| Imagine having just, I don't care who's on the other end of the stall. | ||
| But you gotta try it. | ||
| It's a nice mouth. | ||
| Just be like, I like your shoes, let's go. | ||
| But you have anonymity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| Blumenthal's words differ from history. | ||
| John Blumenthal from Walking Dead? | ||
| Oh, no, this is the guy that didn't actually serve in Vietnam. | ||
| He lied about it. | ||
| This is a different guy. | ||
| This was a guy who... | ||
| So funny. | ||
| He was running as a war hero, and then... | ||
| He won as a war hero. | ||
| And then, yeah, he got in? | ||
| Yeah, he was ran for, I think, what I remember from this memorial, he was a long-time senator. | ||
| Whoa, is that Jay Leno? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, it's John Kerry. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I don't think that's it. | ||
| He was a guy who said he was part of the, not the Rape of Nan King, some well-known thing. | ||
| He was like, that was me, that was all of my guys. | ||
| We fucking did horrible, horrible things. | ||
| Pop quiz. | ||
| Who's the only president not to serve? | ||
| In the military? | ||
| Trump. | ||
| And? | ||
| The Vietnamese government has accused Senator Bob Carrey. | ||
| No, it was somebody who came out on his own. | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| We probably shouldn't mention that. | ||
| Not to serve? | ||
| Carrey out. | ||
| No, Lincoln wasn't in the army, was he? | ||
| There's a bunch of those guys that won. | ||
| George Washington. | ||
| Adams. | ||
| No, he was definitely in. | ||
| Washington. | ||
| What are you kidding? | ||
| He wasn't a country. | ||
| Biggest general. | ||
| Adams. | ||
| But yeah, the gay code is nice, because you don't have to, like, hang out. | ||
| Yeah, just like Sia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What a weird pickup move. | ||
| That's genius. | ||
| The gays, they know what they're doing. | ||
| Lincoln and his troops served for 30 days to not see any action in the war. | ||
| That counts. | ||
| The Elvis Presley of war. | ||
| Trump went to a military school. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| Trump went to a military school? | ||
| He went to a military academy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a party. | |
| It's a weekend party there. | ||
| I bet they party. | ||
| Handsome guy. | ||
| Bring up Trump and his fucking uniform. | ||
| Oh, he cleaned up. | ||
| You're gonna laugh. | ||
| You're gonna go, God damn, not bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I don't know about that. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| For a billionaire? | ||
| That's pretty handsome. | ||
| Have you seen billionaires? | ||
| I think Elon's better looking. | ||
| Look at Trump dog, dude. | ||
| He'd stab you with a sword, dude. | ||
| I even knew back then. | ||
| Put him in a night yellow uniform. | ||
| Is that a band? | ||
| You forget how old he is. | ||
| I showered with Donald Trump at military school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a weird story. | |
| He's got little hands and a little penis. | ||
| I heard he's back. | ||
| You guys know I went to West Point. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Play football there. | ||
| You know how dumb I looked in those uniforms? | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| I want to see that chin going over the collar. | ||
| I got them at home. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Dude, at ease, or at attention, my fucking fat head. | ||
| It's so bad, dude. | ||
| Your mom must have liked it. | ||
| My family was like, you're a hero. | ||
| But then they saw me in the uniform and everyone was still kind of like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Of course, my mom was like, you look so handsome. | ||
| Yeah, you look sharp. | ||
| What did they think when you got into comedy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think they were happy I was doing anything. | ||
| Same. | ||
| Yeah, they were like, nice. | ||
| And then right before things started going well, they were like, all right. | ||
| What are you going to actually do? | ||
| Same here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even when it's going well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now it's funny. | ||
| I like to tell my dad. | ||
| Because usually anytime I would go to a show, he'd be like, how much are they paying you? | ||
| I'd be like, I'm driving to Cleveland. | ||
| No, you can't tell him that. | ||
| He'd be like, how much are they paying you? | ||
| I'd be like, $200. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Now I like to be like, Phil, guess how much money they pay me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you call him Phil? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I go, don't make me buy your house right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But they were motherfuckers. | ||
| But could you imagine your kid wants to be a comic? | ||
| My mom told me. | ||
| She was like, what are you trying to do? | ||
| I'm trying to become a paid record at the comic store. | ||
| She goes, how much do you make for that? | ||
| I'm like, $15 a spot. | ||
| She was like, oh, you can't live on that. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| Here I am, 50, doing whippets. | ||
| Shut up, idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If your kid was going to do that, if your kid was going to go into comedy, what are the odds of success? | ||
| They're so low. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I would talk him out of it. | ||
| If your kid wants to be a lawyer, you're like, yeah, if you study hard, you can go to law school, you can actually be a lawyer. | ||
| There's a path. | ||
| You can make it there. | ||
| But also, if you're a bad lawyer, it's not nearly as embarrassing as if you're a biotopic. | ||
| No, you need to tell them. | ||
| My parents saw me do stand-up in Harrisburg. | ||
| They came to a show where they were like one of 12 people in the audience. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| My closing joke was like, would you rather get shot in the head or 69 with your dad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| That joke kills. | ||
| That joke kills. | ||
| I can imagine that kills. | ||
| Everybody wants to say you would never suck your dad's dick, but that gun comes out, you and your dad get awfully friendly. | ||
| You gotta bring that bit back. | ||
| Me and my dad are big. | ||
| We would do it standing. | ||
| I'd flip his old ass up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| His new balances would be kicking in the air. | ||
| My dad was in the front row like, God damn it! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Far away from West Point. | ||
| Yeah, West Point was like three years before that. | ||
| If your parents are like fucking sober, normal people, and then you enter into that world, and you're talking that kind of shit on stage, Well, my dad's not a sober... | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, that's not the issue. | ||
| Goes to the fucking Elks. | ||
| Oh, the Elks are fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| But he's a normal person. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Talking about sucking your dad's dick on a fucking stage. | ||
| In front of regular people! | ||
| They brought their friends. | ||
| They brought another couple. | ||
| When I said that joke, I vividly remember my mom just goes, oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's brutal. | |
| Oh, my God, it's hilarious. | ||
| I wouldn't let him come see me. | ||
| It was too much. | ||
| I told him never to come again. | ||
| And then my dad called two days later and was like, hey. | ||
| And I was like, if this is about comedy, I can't. | ||
| Can't do it. | ||
| And he was like, alright. | ||
| I'm just saying, everybody else is talking about stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're up there talking about doing gay stuff. | |
| You guys giving you advice? | ||
| He gave me comedy advice. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Has he seen you recently? | ||
| No. | ||
| You gotta send him some TV stuff. | ||
| How recent? | ||
| Two years ago? | ||
| Oh, that's not good enough. | ||
| I know, I'm gonna have it. | ||
| No, no, you show them what the fuck is up now. | ||
| Come to the theater. | ||
| Yeah, come to the theater, pops. | ||
| But you should kill the whole time and then close with that 69 bit again. | ||
| I will. | ||
| I will do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Hey! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you it would work. | |
| My son, he's doing pretty well. | ||
| God damn it, he's talking about blowing me. | ||
| I thought you were done with that fucking joke. | ||
| Bring it back. | ||
| Brought it back for you, Dad. | ||
| They don't get it, too. | ||
| You're like, I got in the cellar. | ||
| They're like, who? | ||
| Cellar? | ||
| What? | ||
| No, that was the thing. | ||
| The only one they understood was SNL. Of course. | ||
| And I got it. | ||
| And I got to call them and be like, hey, I got SNL. And they're like, we're so proud. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're going to be so happy for you for 14 hours. | ||
| Two days later. | ||
| And then my mom and dad are going around. | ||
| My mom especially is like, my son's on us. | ||
| Because I was a loser forever. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| And then now she gets to go tell all her friends whose kids are fucking orthodontists. | ||
| And then they call back. | ||
| Like, so, your son's not better than the other son. | ||
| Well, we're so sorry for you. | ||
| Like that world. | ||
| So they can brag and send their Christmas cards. | ||
| At least you made Newsweek. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| My whole town was pretty proud. | ||
| Alright! | ||
| For real. | ||
| I thought people would be upset. | ||
| My dad was like, hell yeah. | ||
| Is there a celebrity from Mechanics? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mike? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking... | |
| Poison. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brett Michaels? | ||
| Brett Michaels. | ||
| What? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Bret Michaels, Mechanics. | ||
| You're like a New England-y, right? | ||
| No, Maryland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who'd you say? | |
| Maryland. | ||
| Mike and the Mechanics? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| In the Living Years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| In the Living Years? | ||
| In the Living Years. | ||
| I think that Whippet fucked you up. | ||
| That was a hit song. | ||
| Fake memories. | ||
| It was a hit song. | ||
| I gotta see if they're real. | ||
| In the Living Years. | ||
| Whatever you do, don't play that terrible song. | ||
| It was a top set hit song. | ||
| I listen to Ari's podcast for music that I don't want to listen to. | ||
| What kind of recommendations can I avoid? | ||
| We were in the car on the way over. | ||
| I had the Ox. | ||
| I was playing fucking Bone Thugs and Migos. | ||
| And I was considering asking Ari. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Good lord, what music do you like? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's gonna be some dumb, made-up shit. | ||
| You'll get one of those greatest hits. | ||
| Made-up shit! | ||
| I'm like Blue Wolf and the Dancing Pansies. | ||
| I was like, shut up, dude. | ||
| This is a cool indie band from Guatemala. | ||
| I got really into them during the pandemic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I remember being 20. With your backpack on. | |
| I just want to see the world. | ||
| I have wanderlust. | ||
| Doing whippets. | ||
| With a backpack in Vietnam. | ||
| Doing whippets. | ||
| Watching a drum circle. | ||
| Having a seizure in the jungle. | ||
| Don't do another one, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm worried about you. | |
| He's gonna do another one. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Is this that song? | ||
| Seizure in the Jungle is a great band. | ||
| Is this the song? | ||
| This came up. | ||
| It has 27,000 views. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| Just a song for a wild whippet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put your headphones on so you can hear it. | |
| I want to hear this. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| This is what it sounds like when you walk into an Indian restaurant. | ||
| That's a song specifically designed to whip it to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Does it feel good, Harry? | ||
| Yeah, you like it. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is freaky music. | ||
| This music is not going to do it. | ||
| I'm not getting big enough balloons out of this. | ||
| I think you're good, dude. | ||
| I mean, I think high school kids champ this shit pretty easy. | ||
| They rule? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've done three now? | ||
| It's not a long-term thing. | ||
| I've seen bros champ boxes. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Last year I was in Philly. | ||
| Me and my friends who do comedy would play poker together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All of a sudden they just were like, middle of we're playing poker, they just all broke out whippets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Geez. | ||
| The rest of it, we played for three hours. | ||
| They were doing just... | ||
| Is that Steve-O? Oh no! | ||
| Steve-O gets after it. | ||
| Steve-O gets after it. | ||
| It's wild to see this. | ||
| I mean, I don't know the exact part where he's doing it. | ||
| He has the real big cracker. | ||
| It's bad when Knoxville's like, you gotta relax. | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't seem... | ||
| That's him at the factory. | ||
| No, that seems wise. | ||
| He's got his shit together. | ||
| He's got a good podcast now. | ||
| He's kicking ass. | ||
| Yeah, he's sober. | ||
| Doing comedy. | ||
| Steve-O rules. | ||
| Steve-O does rule. | ||
| Jackass rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great guy. | |
| Jackass rules. | ||
| Jackass, when I was in Spain, Jackass made me so proud. | ||
| I saw people wearing Jackass t-shirts and I was like, damn. | ||
| I've almost grown up by laughing so hard at Jackass. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was great. | |
| In the theater, it was mayhem. | ||
| Every other comedy, you're like, oh, you guys are just trying to get to a percentage of Jackass. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's like adult cartoons. | ||
| People falling, getting hit. | ||
| Die. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They fucked their bodies up, too. | ||
| His dick doesn't work. | ||
| Steve-O's pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Knoxville. | ||
| His dick is fucked. | ||
| I tried. | ||
| Couldn't get it going. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, just the fucking sheer punishment those guys take. | ||
| Bulls. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| The whole job was, I'm gonna get a donkey to kick at me, and you just get right up to him. | ||
| Yeah, that one's great when he's fucking shaking when he's walking towards him. | ||
| Yeah, like, this won't go any other way. | ||
| Didn't they stand blindfolded in front of bulls? | ||
| Yeah, Knoxville did. | ||
| Knoxville's been... | ||
| That Ngannou did not punch him in the nuts. | ||
| This poor guy. | ||
| Dangerine stole the last movie. | ||
| You know how crazy that is? | ||
| That Francis Ngannou punched you in the nuts. | ||
| Look at him focusing, Ngannou. | ||
| I mean, how do you stand that? | ||
| I flinch on a gnat. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Oh, that's so bad. | ||
| Are you going to show me? | ||
| Yeah, that was wonderful. | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| I'm not even doing a sketch. | ||
| Steve-O was going to do it, but he understands that MMA guys punch really hard, and they tricked this guy. | ||
| I don't think they knew. | ||
| They didn't tell him in Ghana he was going to come around the corner. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| His face immediately goes to the worst. | ||
| Look at the agony. | ||
| They're talking about it, too. | ||
| It's so unnecessary. | ||
| I'm sure there's women who like that. | ||
| They're like, this is hot. | ||
| These guys. | ||
| They like watching guys get nuts. | ||
| Oh, the jackass guys got pussy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Big puss. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're risk takers. | ||
| They're risk takers. | ||
| Women like guys who do flips. | ||
| And they're drunk. | ||
| Yeah, they're millionaires. | ||
| Do whippets on pods. | ||
| It's every four. | ||
| Yeah, you might get some pussy for this. | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| What was Vietnam like? | ||
| What I remember is that every day was a war. | ||
| What about the pho over there? | ||
| Pretty good pho? | ||
| Pho's not bad. | ||
| I was really into the Bonamese. | ||
| You just get them to go. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| So fresh. | ||
| It's a fresh bread. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| French bread. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's what we eat po'boys on. | ||
| Without the bread, it's not a po'boy. | ||
| That's why I loved one of those things of somebody at some college campus was bitching at their student union for doing the banh mi sandwich, not the authentic way. | ||
| Some sort of Tabasco on it or something instead of like sriracha. | ||
| He's like, that's not authentic Vietnamese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone's like, it's French bread. | |
| It's from the colonization. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you guys ever do the stand-up bong hit? | ||
| You know, some paper towel roll, you're on the wall, and you're both squatting, and he takes a giant vaporizer hit or whatever, and he blows it into your mouth while you stand up, and then you fall back down immediately? | ||
| No. | ||
| You never did that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, oh, oh, oh, beer bong. | ||
| No, no, weed. | ||
| Huge hit, and then as you come up, And it hits you so hard. | ||
| Shotgun. | ||
| As you're standing up. | ||
| As you're standing up, so the oxygen goes away. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| This is pre-internet, you know? | ||
| Four guys in a house. | ||
| Just figuring shit out. | ||
| Figuring it out, nothing to do. | ||
| What if I blow the smoke in your face? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then you stand up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| That was one of the things they did during NOM. They do it through rifles. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That's so fucking cool. | ||
| Ah, that's cool. | ||
| That can't end well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now they go, yeah. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Imagine being high as fuck and also in Vietnam in the middle of the war going, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Yeah, so they did a shotgun where they literally opened up the barrel. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And they're blowing the weed through. | ||
| I like how they're not touching it with their mouth because they don't want to get herpes. | ||
| They don't want to be gay. | ||
| They don't want to be gay. | ||
| They don't want to be sucking on that gun in front of everybody. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's a sergeant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a bummer. | |
| Gotta kill the day. | ||
| But then what if we get attacked? | ||
| Imagine being like super paranoid and high as fuck and you're in the jungle in Vietnam. | ||
| Yeah, now you're walking through. | ||
| You realize you're in this stupid fucking war that makes no sense. | ||
| Has zero support behind it. | ||
| The nature walks are good. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| I'm shooting people with zero support behind it. | ||
| Yeah, you're out in nature. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they said. | ||
| One of the reasons they won, they took over all the reasons that Vietnam won. | ||
| They were like, the Americans were like, I don't even want to be here. | ||
| Well, yeah, no one did. | ||
| Yeah, like, I don't care about these people. | ||
| And the Vietnamese are fighting for their home. | ||
| What about, you ever meet one of those guys who's like, you know, when 9-11 happened, they're like, I'm going over there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank God for guys like that. | ||
| Because I'm like, oh, I'm going to stay here. | ||
| What about Pat Tillman? | ||
| He left being a fucking NFL star to go over there. | ||
| And he got killed by friendly fire. | ||
| Friendly fire. | ||
| Oh, you hate to hear it. | ||
| And they had to hide it. | ||
| They had to hide it. | ||
| No, he was a hero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was that annoying? | |
| Well, not that he wasn't a hero, obviously. | ||
| He was just a bummer of a guy? | ||
| Like a bad hang? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Oh, it was an accident. | ||
| I thought they were like, this guy's... | ||
| Some people say it was on purpose. | ||
| Some people say it was on purpose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I heard. | |
| Because he was starting to see, like, oh, this is fucking pointless. | ||
| What are we doing here, even? | ||
| And then, like, oh, we've got to shut him up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep him a hero. | |
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's a theory. | ||
| Boy, I hope not. | ||
| God, you hope not. | ||
| Yeesh. | ||
| Anyway, let's talk about something funnier. | ||
| And then Friendly Fire. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's kind of a nice term for what happens. | ||
| You changed the mood of everything when you read out your uncle's text. | ||
| That's pretty sick, though. | ||
| I mean, imagine being on a plane reading it. | ||
| The way he described it to it was amazing, too. | ||
| Your uncle's smart. | ||
| Yeah, he's fired up. | ||
| How about that Mahomes? | ||
| He's good. | ||
| No. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You know what I like, though? | ||
| I came around on Jackson. | ||
| Jackson Mahomes. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| The brother? | ||
| His brother that does TikToks and his wife, his annoying wife that screams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Everyone hates on them and it actually makes me happy. | ||
| No, they're fun. | ||
| His wife, have you ever seen this? | ||
| I don't watch TikTok. | ||
| Patrick Mahomes is best quarterback. | ||
| Well, second. | ||
| Jalen was obviously MVP. Oh, that hurts. | ||
| Should have been. | ||
| I mean, an unforced fumble was tough. | ||
| Patrick Mahomes has a wife that's just wild. | ||
| She's up in the box. | ||
| She, like, films herself. | ||
| It's her and his brother. | ||
| His brother does, like, TikToks. | ||
| And Patrick's, obviously, he's the man. | ||
| And then he's got a crazy wife and a brother up in the box, like, doing all this shit. | ||
| And his wife's up there, like, you thought you were gonna beat us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Think again! | |
| It's the best. | ||
| Forcing everyone, like, birth to fucking be in a video. | ||
| Oh yeah, she's a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a lot. | |
| Whoa, Jesus. | ||
| The problem is they keep that same energy when you get divorced. | ||
| They come after you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They come after you with that same energy. | |
| These kids are going crazy. | ||
| Football fans? | ||
| Who gets more fired up than football fans? | ||
| I'd say Proud Boys. | ||
| Well, especially when the FBI people are riling things up. | ||
| It just came out today that the FBI was involved in Black Lives Matter protests turning them violent. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Yeah, there's allegations. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| They were doing it during Vietnam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking watch! | |
| The fucking watch! | ||
| My BLM alarm. | ||
| You still have that stupid fucking watch. | ||
| This thing runs like a watch. | ||
| It doesn't wet at all. | ||
| What time does it say? | ||
| This thing runs like a watch. | ||
| 501. Feds deliberately targeted BLM protesters to disrupt the movement, a report says. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| They did it in Vietnam. | ||
| In the Vietnam thing they were talking about. | ||
| Yeah, they do it with everything. | ||
| They do it with everything. | ||
| Let's get some guys in there. | ||
| Turn the protest violent. | ||
| Agent provocateurs. | ||
| J86? Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they fucking 100% did it there. | ||
| The snitch in the silver hearse. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| FBI paid a violent felon to infiltrate Denver's radical justice movement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Jalen Hurst. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| One piece. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| They always do that. | ||
| They don't like these fucking movements and they go, you know what? | ||
| Disrupt it. | ||
| Just let's send in some people to smash some windows and light some shit on fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Occupy Wall Street. | |
| They're like, get in there, undercover cops, start fights, and then the other cops are going to be like, hey, they're fighting, we've got to break it up. | ||
| Yeah, I went to. | ||
| That's what they did with the World Trade Organization? | ||
| Went to Occupy. | ||
| You went to Occupy Wall Street? | ||
| I wanted to see what it was about. | ||
| He's trying to fuck chicks. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I was like 23, 24. The VO was wild. | ||
| It was something to see because it was kind of new, all that kind of stuff. | ||
| Now we have a protest every 10 minutes, but that was fun to watch. | ||
| They shut that shit down. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of pepper spray. | ||
| Also interesting that they were like, you guys did this. | ||
| We're just going to hover around where you work. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| It's a totally different kind of a movement. | ||
| It was like the beginning of these kind of mass movements. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're just going to make you look at us. | ||
| As you go into work. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to park out here. | ||
| They weren't like disruptive. | ||
| On the grass. | ||
| They weren't like breaking anybody's car windows or anything. | ||
| No, we're going to occupy. | ||
| It was right when Obama won, so it was like a wacky time in New York. | ||
| Yeah, because it was 2008, financial collapse. | ||
| Black president. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| First black pres. | ||
| A lot of shit's going on. | ||
| The economy goes into the tank after the housing crisis. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then they're like, you guys did it. | ||
| So it's almost like there were white blood cells surrounding an infection. | ||
| It was some blacks. | ||
| I mean, that's not what I meant. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, and they're just like calling attention. | ||
| Yeah, they're just like realizing there's something wrong with this. | ||
| We are the 99%. | ||
| But they're not even. | ||
| They don't even understand what that means. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| They're not the 99%? | ||
| Not globally. | ||
| Globally you make $34,000 in your top 1% of the world. | ||
| That's how wild the world is. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear that. | ||
| None of the people who are like against the 1% want to realize they're in the 1% of this country. | ||
| Aha. | ||
| They're like, what? | ||
| I'm not like, yeah, yeah, you're super wealthy. | ||
| The 1% of this country is like, I think it's like a half a million dollars a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| No way. | ||
| It might be less. | ||
| It might be like, what is the 1%? | ||
| What's the top 1%? | ||
| What do you have to make? | ||
| It's like every doctor. | ||
| But the 1% of the world is $34,000. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Top 1% of the world is over $34,000. | ||
| Alright, Ari, you're in. | ||
| Okay, it's $823,000 in 2020. So I was off by quite a bit. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| $823,000 in 2020. Wait, what's the other number? | ||
| National average of the top 1% earners is $597,000. | ||
| Economic Policy Institute was the first one. | ||
| This is a study by Smart Asset Points, the second one. | ||
| Okay, so it's somewhere between $600,000 to $800,000. | ||
| Wow, okay. | ||
| The average. | ||
| That's in America. | ||
| The average of the 1%, which means you can still be the 1% at like $400,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Actually, the top has billions in it, so probably $570,000. | ||
| The average annual wage gap, yeah. | ||
| So, a lot of fucking money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There you go. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| Look how it was phrased originally. | ||
| Annual gross income of $590,000. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| The average annual income of more than half a million dollars. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, we're doing okay then. | ||
| Well, for the rest of the world, we're doing fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah, we could pay $200,000 for this podcast. | ||
| It's just it's not perfect. | ||
| It's not perfect. | ||
| There's flaws. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I remember an old video of Rogan on some, like, before Tough Crowd. | ||
| It was like four people talking. | ||
| Maybe it was Bill Maher or something, I don't know. | ||
| There was some guy saying he wants to up the national for anyone over a million dollars, 70%. | ||
| Remember this? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And Joe goes, on air, if you take 70% of my money, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| You're going to take 70% of it? | ||
| It's like that some places. | ||
| They take a lot of your money. | ||
| New York takes a big chunk. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that believe that that's how to solve the country's woes, is to redistribute the wealth. | ||
| Take the wealth away from all the wealthy people, pay 80-90% in taxes, give all the money to the poor people. | ||
| They're just looking at it as a numbers thing. | ||
| They're not looking at it as like, why do people make money in the first place? | ||
| They have incentive. | ||
| They work hard. | ||
| You're not going to have equal money if you don't have equal effort. | ||
| And it doesn't mean that everybody has equal opportunity, because some people, they can make a lot more money with a lot less effort. | ||
| But The people that can become like a Warren Buffet or one of those, they do that because there's an incentive. | ||
| There's an incentive. | ||
| That's the only reason why they chase that game. | ||
| And if you're going to put a limit on that game and you're going to say, hey, once you get to a certain level of that game, you've got to give us all the money. | ||
| You've killed all the incentive. | ||
| I think it's not that's a problem. | ||
| Let's get everybody else up a little bit. | ||
| This is what they should be tackling. | ||
| There's ways to do it, and that's the Bernie Sanders idea of taxing a small amount of speculative market wagers. | ||
| So when people are betting, they're going back and forth. | ||
| He's talking about taking a fraction of a penny from each transaction would result in trillions of dollars a year. | ||
| Wow, interesting. | ||
| I know a lot of people don't like that Alexandria Cortez-Cortez lady, but she said something at the beginning of... | ||
| COVID, she goes, do you have to get people back in their jobs? | ||
| She goes, no, we don't have to get people back in their 60 hour a week jobs barely making their ends meet. | ||
| We have to change the system a little bit so we can actually live our lives. | ||
| Right, but how do you do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The way you do that is by more bureaucracy. | ||
| More people that get paid to redistribute the wealth and if they get a grip on your money and they can say, hey, you have been too successful so we're going to take that and give it to people that aren't successful. | ||
| But that doesn't work. | ||
| That's the thing that it all goes to, always. | ||
| Get rid of the 40 hour work week. | ||
| You've got to go to the source, though. | ||
| It's antiquated. | ||
| You don't get a move box for 40 hours. | ||
| You get your shit done in 25 hours. | ||
| Enjoy your life. | ||
| I know, but they do it with homeless, too. | ||
| They go, hey, we've got to give money to the homeless. | ||
| You're like, the guy's still addicted to fentanyl and living dead. | ||
| It doesn't suddenly change. | ||
| You're not going to fix why he's mentally ill. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You've got to go to the source. | ||
| That's one of the biggest things. | ||
| Every politician is like, I don't know the answer to this. | ||
| Bring it up. | ||
| Every city in America. | ||
| It can be done in scale. | ||
| Worst thing I've ever seen. | ||
| Portland, SF. Get the experts on it. | ||
| L.A., it's crazy. | ||
| Austin's not that bad. | ||
| They cleaned up a lot of it, man. | ||
| They used to have a lot of tents underneath the bridges. | ||
| It's all gone now. | ||
| Except the occasional tent that they eventually clean up. | ||
| Where did they go? | ||
| They bought hotels. | ||
| Move people. | ||
| These Palestinians. | ||
| Game of Shovel. | ||
| Rent's there. | ||
| He's got some money. | ||
| Real estate money's going down real quick. | ||
| We should get a house there. | ||
| Who knows what the actual extent of the environmental disaster is? | ||
| How long before they actually tell them the truth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yikes. | |
| But I remember thinking BP was the end of society. | ||
| Don't do it, you sick son of a... | ||
| We got a show tonight. | ||
| Don't go for out the eagle. | ||
| Not the eagle. | ||
| Where'd you find the eagle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put it on J-Mo's table. | |
| Hey, do you remember when that dude who was... | ||
| I'm on number six here. | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| The guy from the FBI that sang Let the Eagle Soar? | ||
| Do you remember that guy? | ||
| What was he saying with legal software? | ||
| Was he the guy that was during the Obama administration? | ||
| Is that what his name is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obama! | |
| Who was it? | ||
| Was he during the Bush administration? | ||
| John Ashcroft. | ||
| John Ashcroft. | ||
| Ah, big Ash. | ||
| You ever see that guy sing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| John Ashcroft was like the boogeyman. | ||
| He was like this very creepy right-wing guy. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at him sing this. | ||
| Yeah, I remember this. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is weird. | |
| He's taking lessons. | ||
| Shoot him. | ||
| I've never even heard of this song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a funny time to get assassinated. | |
| What a funny time to get assassinated. | ||
| A dude from the Chappelle concert runs up and stabs him. | ||
| If he ever got attacked by an eagle. | ||
| Who was John Ashcroft again? | ||
| What was John Ashcroft's position? | ||
| The United States Attorney General. | ||
| Yeah, everybody was freaked out about him. | ||
| They were all scared of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like this hardcore, right-wing guy. | |
| Want to lock up all those dope smokers. | ||
| One of those guys. | ||
| He was just a wild Christian guy singing, Let the Eagles fly! | ||
| Those guys were fun, because they were the bad guy. | ||
| They'd be like, Rap is out of control. | ||
| These are the nerds. | ||
| Now it's hard to tell. | ||
| Everybody's the nerd now. | ||
| Now the left is It's funny, these guys are like, Rap's out of control, and they're like, we're gonna fucking invade Iraq. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| Rap, not Iraq. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Patriot Games. | ||
| Attorney General when the Patriot Act starts. | ||
| Ah, that's it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Rap's bad. | ||
| We're gonna fucking spy on everybody. | ||
| We're gonna invade Iraq. | ||
| We're gonna blow up families. | ||
| The Rap thing came from Tipper Gore, Al Gore's wife. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what was wild. | ||
| It was the Democrats. | ||
| And then Liz Cheney kept it rolling. | ||
| Did she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was into that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard NWA, they're like, whoa. | ||
| Heavy stuff. | ||
| It didn't come out of nowhere. | ||
| I remember listening to it on a fucking treadmill. | ||
| I was like a Stairmaster in Revere, Massachusetts at the gym, and I was listening to it with a Walkman, a cassette Walkman. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| These guys are pretty serious. | ||
| There's never music like that before. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| No, they mean business. | ||
| When I was young, I got Eminem and DMX. That was what I got. | ||
| Ice Cube, fifth grade, listening to a DMX album. | ||
| Yeah, that was heavy stuff. | ||
| Rough Riders, roll! | ||
| I got blood on my dick because I fucked a corpse. | ||
| I was on a school bus, just like... | ||
| I was a giant Ghetto Boys fan. | ||
| Ghetto Boys ruled, dude. | ||
| I'd listen to Ghetto Boys when I delivered newspapers. | ||
| My uncle that was in Vietnam, not the one I was talking about, the other uncle, he was a prison warden after Vietnam, and then he hung out with just black dudes, because he was a prison warden, so everybody around him. | ||
| So now he talks like that, and he'll be like, what's up, Holmes? | ||
| He loves the Ghetto Boys. | ||
| He'll be out in his garage benching the fucking Ghetto Boys. | ||
| I did their podcast. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| They were super fun, super nice, but they're old now. | ||
| So I'd make a gay joke and they're like, easy, man, easy. | ||
| He murdered people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Alright, alright, do it, Bob. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| I mean, he's done whippets, weed, booze. | ||
| I'm not doing a whippet. | ||
| I'm not a fucking eighth grader, bro. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's valuable. | ||
| That whippet was bad news. | ||
| It lasted a short amount of time. | ||
| Yeah, it's 30 seconds in and out. | ||
| I like to be fucked up for a long time. | ||
| I like it to ruin my week. | ||
| What is salvia? | ||
| Wasn't that a quick high? | ||
| That was a quick one. | ||
| No, what am I thinking of? | ||
| That was ten minutes. | ||
| Well, you trip for like five minutes. | ||
| Yeah, salvia was pretty good that way. | ||
| Oh, baby. | ||
| Don't give me that lunch, y'all. | ||
| Jojo Rabbit's dipping into the bag. | ||
| Don't give me that lunch, y'all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A bag of candy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's that perfectly legal bag of regular stuff. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm reaching for the one that calls me. | ||
| Some spice, maybe? | ||
| What was that where it, like, fucked you up? | ||
| Salvia. | ||
| You tripped. | ||
| Was it Salvia? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You get fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about that the other day on the podcast. | ||
| You were gone for, like, three months living another life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gone. | |
| Gone. | ||
| But like 10 minutes, tops, and then back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gone. | |
| He was gone for 10 minutes, but during that 10 minutes he had three months of another life. | ||
| He lived another life. | ||
| He had relationships and friendships. | ||
| He was wild. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| Yeah, way different than Whippets. | ||
| Whippets is just a laugh. | ||
| That was legal everywhere. | ||
| They missed that one. | ||
| They missed Salvia. | ||
| Yeah, and you go 20 times, 40 times, or 60 times. | ||
| You used to be able to get the most potent version of DMT on the internet. | ||
| Used to be able to get five methoxy DMT on the internet. | ||
| Used to be able to buy it. | ||
| It was not for human consumption. | ||
| You would buy it. | ||
| It was pure from a chemical company. | ||
| And they would ship it to your house enough to get the whole city high as fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What is DMT? What happens? | ||
| Well, it's a psychedelic compound. | ||
| Scientist joke. | ||
| I can talk about it. | ||
| It's dimethyltryptamine. | ||
| It's actually produced by your brain. | ||
| And it's a psychedelic chemical that you think has something to do with near-death experiences. | ||
| It has something to do with dreams. | ||
| But it's an endogenous chemical. | ||
| So it's real quick. | ||
| Your body brings you back to baseline in like 15 minutes. | ||
| You've got to do that next time. | ||
| Yeah, what the hell? | ||
| DMT? It's crazy because your brain makes it, but it's super illegal. | ||
| Terrence McCann had a great quote. | ||
| He said, everybody's holding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Holding back. | ||
| No, they're holding this drug. | ||
| Holding is how these talk about drugs. | ||
| Are you holding? | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| You holding? | ||
| Holding coffee. | ||
| Everyone's holding DMT. It's so weird, the hippies I come in contact with, because some of them are like, I got mushrooms, I've grown. | ||
| It's like, okay. | ||
| It just seems like bathtub shit. | ||
| I make my own DMT. I trust that way less than boomers. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how you're making it. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| I smoked it once, and it just made everything look like video games. | ||
| Oh, you didn't do it right. | ||
| I didn't do it hard enough. | ||
| I didn't do it hard enough. | ||
| The one time I did it. | ||
| I was trying. | ||
| I kept trying. | ||
| I did it once, and I was like close. | ||
| I saw a giant caterpillar come down this tree and look at me for like two minutes, and then just goes, nah, and then head back up the tree. | ||
| And then I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Looked over at this girl that I was doing it with. | ||
| She goes, I died and came back. | ||
| She's lighter. | ||
| Mushrooms got me there. | ||
| Dad didn't come back. | ||
| I ate a bunch. | ||
| I was high on Molly and I ate a bunch of them. | ||
| Molly and mushrooms together, it's not smart. | ||
| I wasn't making the best choices. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That is the purest combination. | ||
| We should do Molly. | ||
| If you took Molly and then a little mushrooms, it'd be pretty great. | ||
| I was like, isn't this funny? | ||
| Taking fucking handfuls. | ||
| The only problem with mushrooms is you get a bad trip, and Molly's like, that won't happen today. | ||
| Those mushrooms outweigh those mushrooms. | ||
| The mushrooms destroy the Molly so quick. | ||
| What about ayahuasca? | ||
| Everything was good, and then all of a sudden it was like, oh. | ||
| Are we going to freeze? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Are we going to go out there and freeze? | ||
| Remember when we wanted to refresh? | ||
| I think that was more of a last night thing. | ||
| That was a drunk talk. | ||
| That was a drunk talk? | ||
| I woke up today like, I think that's going to hurt, and I don't want to do it. | ||
| I took a cold shower. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Will you just open up your throat? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I want Ari to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Come on the same. | ||
| Motherfucking day. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| We're back, dude. | ||
| America's back. | ||
| I'm worried about you. | ||
| There's a lot of drugs he's taking. | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| Mark, you got one. | ||
| He, for some reason, can do this. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| He can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, because I'm not 12. Doesn't even look that old. | |
| Wait until the hat and the glasses come off. | ||
| Oh, there we go. | ||
| America! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Everyone knows. | ||
| We've seen the special. | ||
| Dude, I was at Renese's wedding and you see the people coming in, but I'm on the last table. | ||
| And this was 15 years ago. | ||
| But did he really get married? | ||
| You see this giant, shiny, sorry, fucking box of my head ruining every photograph. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| I've heard it before. | ||
| But did he actually get married? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's pretty funny. | ||
| I heard he got married, but I don't know if it's true. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| I like Steve. | ||
| Yeah, Steve's the best. | ||
| Now ayahuasca, my friend goes like twice a year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He cleans you out, sets you back to baseline. | ||
| We could all go. | ||
| I know a great place. | ||
| Middle of the jungle. | ||
| Can we do it here? | ||
| You always have to go to the fucking jungle. | ||
| Everybody wants to go someplace. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do it in your living room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, Ari hates the suburbs. | ||
| Ari hates the suburbs. | ||
| Ari hates the suburbs. | ||
| Ari doesn't want to live in a nice place that's quiet. | ||
| You don't like suburbs? | ||
| Fuck the... | ||
| Not to do fucking hardcore drugs. | ||
| I love to live in New York. | ||
| I love to see people. | ||
| I love all the excitement. | ||
| You live in New York? | ||
| I live in New York and I hate it. | ||
| I have to, bro. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard living in New York. | ||
| It's expensive. | ||
| New York sucks. | ||
| Boys. | ||
| It does suck. | ||
| Come. | ||
| It's dirty. | ||
| It's dirty. | ||
| There's no room. | ||
| Come to Texas. | ||
| I was never going to come to Texas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was never going to happen. | |
| I got those taxes and I was like, God damn. | ||
| I might go to fucking Texas. | ||
| You came here for six months in one day. | ||
| God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Now we're going, Jamie. | ||
| You're next, Jamie. | ||
| Don't shake your head. | ||
| You know you're next. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Come on, Mark. | ||
| Suck it. | ||
| You put one in there, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was just one. | |
| Mark's just feeling fucking Sally. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| It hurts the throat. | ||
| Mark, you gotta fucking do it. | ||
| Well, we got a couple hours ahead of us here. | ||
| Yeah, we're fine. | ||
| We've got plenty of time, boys. | ||
| Dude, let's drink at the club tonight. | ||
| That is going to be fucking great. | ||
| I think we go to Vulcan and then we leave immediately after Vulcan drinking and talk there. | ||
| We have all of our inspections passed and we have furniture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go there! | |
| We're days away. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to go after the show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to go to Vulcan, do the show, and then we'll go get fucked up in that bar. | ||
| I can't wait to show you guys what it looks like now. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| It seems fake. | ||
| Do you think there's booze there? | ||
| Is there a bar ready? | ||
| We'll get bar. | ||
| We'll get booze. | ||
| If we don't have booze there, we'll get booze. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| We're world policing again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're back at it. | ||
| Ari, you think you're gonna stay in New York no matter what? | ||
| That's your spot? | ||
| No, I'll stay for two more years and I'll leave. | ||
| Where are you gonna go? | ||
| Probably like... | ||
| Why don't you come to Austin, bitch? | ||
| I think London. | ||
| London? | ||
| London, you god, soccer. | ||
| That's not brown enough. | ||
| Why are you going to fucking other New York? | ||
| That's what I did before. | ||
| LA to New York. | ||
| Funny voice New York? | ||
| You gotta be to like a... | ||
| Might as well move to Boston. | ||
| Dublin would be sick. | ||
| Dublin would be sick. | ||
| Dublin's small. | ||
| You wanna live in London? | ||
| Yeah, do spots. | ||
| I like doing spots. | ||
| They got good shows in London. | ||
| Good shows. | ||
| A lot of good shows. | ||
| I'm going to Australia after you. | ||
| Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be great. | |
| Sydney would be a cool place to live, too. | ||
| I'm doing the Sydney Opera House. | ||
| Come to it. | ||
| Yeah, he's doing Sydney Opera House. | ||
| I saw Shane at Town Hall. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| Thanks, bro. | ||
| So cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All those people. | |
| You watch comedy? | ||
| All those people. | ||
| Well, I was there. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| He came. | ||
| It was very nice. | ||
| I just came back from Mexico. | ||
| You got to see me, yeah, it was right when you got back, you got to see me surrounded by all the- It was so funny to see the Jews just fucking glomming onto him. | ||
| The industry. | ||
| I wasn't going to say it. | ||
| They talk differently, like Shane excited to be working with. | ||
| I'm just talking to that guy who's like, yeah, I'm the head of Netflix. | ||
| I was like, oh shit, I should have been more respectful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Arnie, I got to get to your special. | ||
| Should have thrown your yarmulke. | ||
| Network people were hovering. | ||
| It's because the New York Comedy Fest was all there. | ||
| They're just hovering. | ||
| Hovering. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| Trying to figure out a way to get a piece of that chain pie. | ||
| It's nice when they hover. | ||
| Because you're like, suck the youth out of you. | ||
| Just give me a little slice. | ||
| Just cut me a slice. | ||
| I'm giving them a slice. | ||
| Well, they're so mean to us at the beginning. | ||
| And when they hover, you're like, yeah. | ||
| Me and Moshe Kasher at Montreal saw just new faces. | ||
| And two old people were on both sides of him talking to him. | ||
| It just looked like they were sucking the youth right at him. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Give it a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| It's cold. | ||
| Give it a second. | ||
| That's a cold punch. | ||
| That's a cold punch. | ||
| Iron throat. | ||
| That's a punch. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| That's a cold snack. | ||
| Huberman. | ||
| That's a punch. | ||
| Alright, Goggins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a... | |
| Wow. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Good looking eagle. | ||
| Look at a name, this little guy. | ||
| Yeah, what's his name? | ||
| That's Freedom. | ||
| That's Freedom, our pet eagle. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You like free. | ||
| Dude, is South Park the best? | ||
| South Park is amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because they're a cartoon, they get away with so much. | |
| I couldn't place him. | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| It was Stone. | ||
| Yeah, and I was like, who is that guy from basketball? | ||
| Who is that guy? | ||
| And you were like, you were just giving me this, like, That's the one guy ever. | ||
| Who is it, though? | ||
| We were at Louie's show at the Garden. | ||
| He was there. | ||
| And I was sitting there. | ||
| I was like, dude, that's him. | ||
| And when you told me, I was like, oh, yes! | ||
| Shane will go up and say hi. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I'll go up and say it, but I'm pretty good at it. | ||
| You are good at it. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I go, yo, I'm a big fan. | ||
| And then I walk away. | ||
| That's the key. | ||
| I get too nervous around those people. | ||
| But I'm like, you should say hi. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, I'm going to go do it. | ||
| I just walked up to him. | ||
| I said, big fan. | ||
| He's like, okay. | ||
| And then walked away. | ||
| And then I stared at him from eight feet away for two hours. | ||
| I was going... | ||
| I love you so much, dude. | ||
| You meant the whole world to me. | ||
| Well, they have a freedom that no one else has on television. | ||
| Nobody's got it. | ||
| No one has that freedom on Comedy Central, not even close. | ||
| When we used to fight for people's words on, isn't that happening? | ||
| We're like, they're allowed, you gotta show precedent. | ||
| Cartman did it, doesn't count. | ||
| Everything else would count except Cartman. | ||
| You're not South Park. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You said shit on the air. | ||
| They just grandfathered in. | ||
| Not just grandfathered in. | ||
| They're just the best. | ||
| They're above the law. | ||
| But Family Guy says some crazy shit, too. | ||
| Family Guy does. | ||
| Family Guy definitely does. | ||
| South Park's like, if you even come at them, they'll fucking eviscerate you. | ||
| They'll do another one. | ||
| The guy who put them on the map, they eviscerated. | ||
| They took George Clooney, who put them over. | ||
| And we're like, sorry dude, we gotta come after you. | ||
| The smug? | ||
| You're being a douche. | ||
| You're being a douche. | ||
| We gotta come after you. | ||
| Thank you for giving us everything we have, but we have to come after you. | ||
| Bro, that Kanye Carlos Mencia episode. | ||
| He's like, I'm not funny, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got no dick! | |
| I got no dick, man. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's like, you don't get it? | ||
| He's like, for real? | ||
| You don't get it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Get it, please get it. - Please get it, please. - Leave me, you don't get it, man. - It's crazy they're on cable too. | |
| This isn't like an internet show. | ||
| They're on TV. But they were on cable, and cable was the internet. | ||
| They're like, oh, it's wild there. | ||
| They're just grandfathered in like a Tarantino movie. | ||
| Was that HBO at first? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| It was a Christmas card at first. | ||
| It was a video. | ||
| I got the videocassette in the 90s. | ||
| I was dating a girl who was an agent at William Morris, and they were passing it around the office, and everybody got copies of it. | ||
| And I was like, this is insane. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| It was, what would Brian Boitano do? | ||
| What would Brian Boitano do? | ||
| If he were here right now, He'd cheerily kickin' ass, dude! | ||
| That's what Brian Boitano would do. | ||
| And it's even more primitive. | ||
| Like, if you watched the animation back then, it was even more... | ||
| You wanna know how much I loved South Park? | ||
| When we were playing basketball... | ||
| When we were playing basketball as kids, you know how you write stuff in marker on your shoes in basketball? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wrote Brian Boitano. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| On my fucking Allen Iversons. | ||
| And Sharpie. | ||
| Thank God for them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're the front lines. | |
| They're the front lines. | ||
| They're the tip of this beer. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Christmas is for celebrating my birth. | |
| Christmas is for giving. | ||
| I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This time we finish it. | |
| There can be all they want. | ||
| Wendy, yeah? | ||
| Wendy Tesseburger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're just cutting out pieces of paper. | |
| Go, Santa! | ||
| Go, Jesus! | ||
| Jesus versus the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a Street Fighter character all of a sudden. | |
| Kill them all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yook Tuki! | |
| That fart noise. | ||
| It killed Kenny. | ||
| That's the first one. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, the first. | ||
| They killed Kenny. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| It's also great that people like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, this would suck if people were like, we hate that show, it's shitty. | ||
| But people love it! | ||
| They can't say that. | ||
| They entertain so many people, they just can't say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's too good. | |
| So it's like, they keep coming after them, it's like, they stopped. | ||
| Because no one bowed down, they just stopped and went away. | ||
| Do you remember when they drew Muhammad? | ||
| They just put on a new episode this week? | ||
| No, I mean the anger at them. | ||
| Like, we're gonna stop you, they're like, eh, this is the point. | ||
| Remember when they drew Muhammad, but they drew Muhammad in a bear suit inside of a van? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're the N.W.A. of comedy. | ||
| They go hard. | ||
| They go pretty fucking hard. | ||
| They also, every time I watch the episode, I go, fuck, I was wrong. | ||
| I'm gay. | ||
| They're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I had any opinion, they hit both sides. | |
| So if you're like, yeah, you're attacking the other side, and they turn it to your side, you're like, ah, damn it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| I'm lame. | ||
| I'm lame. | ||
| And then you saw the documentary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and they're just sitting in a room like, uh, the clock's ticking, we gotta figure out an angle here. | ||
| It was the fucking, uh, it was the, uh, human centipede one where he's like, uh, Kyrie! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A cuttlefish? | |
| Exactly. | ||
| And then when you're like, maybe I should pull back on my comedy, I go too dark, and then you see that and you're like, no, fuck it, it's fun. | ||
| Yeah, the thing about it is that it's cartoons, and they're not even remotely realistic cartoons, so you can get away with so much. | ||
| And they never age. | ||
| Not only gets too old. | ||
| No, they age one year. | ||
| Once. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That was it. | ||
| They went to fourth grade. | ||
| Miss Chokes on Dick? | ||
| It's like we can get a whole new set of teachers now, aging one year. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They're also right. | ||
| That's the hard part. | ||
| Remember when the teacher had a whore off with Parasyl? | ||
| Shove her up his ass. | ||
| He was just so casual waiting. | ||
| No, that's whorey. | ||
| That's for sure whorey. | ||
| Let me show you now. | ||
| I learned about Rimjob from South Park. | ||
| What a show. | ||
| The PC parts of all of it. | ||
| They've been on for what now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
25 years? | |
| 26 years? | ||
| Freshman year of high school. | ||
| 1997, I think. | ||
| Freshman year of college for me. | ||
| I was thinking about this week when I was watching the new episode. | ||
| I was like, when this ends, I'm going to be fucking sad. | ||
| This has been my whole life. | ||
| I wonder if they're ever going to end. | ||
| They will eventually. | ||
| Seems like they enjoy it. | ||
| I mean, it's so funny. | ||
| They have to be having a good time. | ||
| Two where they could be like, we're taking three years off, and anybody would have to do that. | ||
| Like Curb, whenever you want to come back, you're welcome to. | ||
| It's funny because if you give people the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want, you get a South Park, but they're never going to do that again. | ||
| It was Colin Quinn's keynote address at Montreal. | ||
| He was like, industry. | ||
| If you got it right half the time, I could understand you talking. | ||
| But you're right never. | ||
| Don't you just want to shut up and let us fail on our terms? | ||
| That's why the internet's great. | ||
| We can just go to that. | ||
| Well, they never... | ||
| When do you guys think the pendulum's gonna swing back? | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| Well, the pendulum is good for us, though. | ||
| The pendulum not swinging back is good for the internet. | ||
| Like, you could... | ||
| Imagine if this show was on Comedy Central. | ||
| Imagine the notes we would get. | ||
| What, this? | ||
| Ari's doing whippets. | ||
| We're doing bong hits. | ||
| We may or may not have done mushrooms. | ||
| Nobody did mushrooms. | ||
| Nobody did mushrooms, though. | ||
| Mushrooms are bad. | ||
| Comedy Central was right in this case because we did not do mushrooms. | ||
| We definitely did not because those are not legal. | ||
| They'd have a lot of notes, though. | ||
| We need more gays than just Jamie. | ||
| It was so weird fighting with us. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Oh, this one's yours, Jamie. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Jamie. | ||
| J-Mo, you gotta get in on this big dog. | ||
| Come on, you big man. | ||
| You gotta get in on this big dog. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, he's playing it for himself. | ||
| Hitting the music for himself. | ||
| J-Mo, get fired up. | ||
| Come on J-Mo Look at how fast he sucks Jamie rules That's Columbus, Ohio in the fucking house Pull this motherfucker up Underrated as a bro When I see Jamie walk in a room I go yeah He's jacked and he's quiet He's the fucking Michael Jordan of podcast producers | ||
| No one's even close. | ||
| He's the goat. | ||
| He fucking burns hard on him. | ||
| He moved it away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge dick. | |
| Last night, I was trying to talk him into going to a strip club. | ||
| He was like, gotta work. | ||
| Yeah, he wouldn't do it. | ||
| And he wanted to go. | ||
| I could tell he wanted to hang out with me and drink. | ||
| You can't go down that road. | ||
| And he didn't want to do it. | ||
| You hired the right guy. | ||
| You got a good guy. | ||
| I met him at a comedy club. | ||
| I was trying all my tactics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| Shang has good tactics. | ||
| I'm pretty good at peer pressure. | ||
| The main one is just, you won't. | ||
| That's your main one. | ||
| Yeah, you just gotta do that for an hour. | ||
| And then eventually be like, okay, I will. | ||
| I gotta get out of here last night before this goes south. | ||
| I have my commitment. | ||
| It doesn't work with women in that direction. | ||
| My one hour in front of the computer commitment. | ||
| I've tried that with girls. | ||
| It did go south. | ||
| It did go south. | ||
| Actually, that was the first time it went north. | ||
| It went north. | ||
| It was pretty fun. | ||
| It went northwest. | ||
| Nick's the shit. | ||
| Nick's a good dude. | ||
| Oh, Nick's a good egg. | ||
| Nick is. | ||
| He looks like if Bart Simpson grew up. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| He's a solid dude. | ||
| Like, when the club opens up, I'm 100% committed to still doing Vulcan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I want to do that too. | ||
| That's competition. | ||
| Nah, not really. | ||
| There's no competition in comedy. | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| There's more sets and less sets. | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| That's like competition, like doing someone else's podcast is like competition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, is it? | |
| I don't believe it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, good job. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Should I not be here? | ||
| We flipped the script. | ||
| The internet flipped the script. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you do one yet? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're up, Gil. | ||
| 100%, bro. | ||
| He's already five beers in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll do it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, I'll be waiting for it to cool off. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Are you three beers in here? | ||
| We'll cool off a little. | ||
| No, four plus this one. | ||
| Jesus Christ, son. | ||
| I'm on six. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Where's this bodega cat? | ||
| You gotta wait till it kicks, huh? | ||
| You gotta wait for the right time. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Still holds up. | ||
| Get out of here, baby! | ||
| Look at that neck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah! | |
| Alright, I'm gonna get a new song. | ||
| Freedom is the only way. | ||
| No, no, don't get a new song. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's our song, man. | ||
| Hey, can you prepare me an ice-cold freedom bird? | ||
| An ice-cold bomb? | ||
| Hey, I'm gonna piss. | ||
| Try not to say anything. | ||
| Alright, I'll be Rogan on the pissing. | ||
| Hey, Marky! | ||
| Yeah, you've lost it, old man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah! | |
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Mancia was right about him. | ||
| Dude, how much does Mancia roll, dude? | ||
| Oh, man, he's a funny guy. | ||
| I actually opened for him once. | ||
| He was very nice. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The 2nd Street Comedy Club in Harrisburg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| They have two clubs there? | ||
| They did. | ||
| It failed pretty quick. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I was the only host. | ||
| And I did the sound, the lights, and the hosting. | ||
| You did the turn your cell phones off? | ||
| No, there was no announcements. | ||
| I was drunk doing the hosting. | ||
| I was doing the announcements from the piano. | ||
| The piano player wasn't there at the comedy store. | ||
| I was like, guys, turn your phones off. | ||
| Make sure to be there. | ||
| Be quiet. | ||
| Hey, we had an earthquake last week. | ||
| Aren't earthquakes weird? | ||
| I was like, no! | ||
| No! | ||
| I had to open for a comic. | ||
| I don't want to name him. | ||
| But he played, he was like, I want my intro song to be Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon. | ||
| I like that song. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| God, you're a fucking loser. | ||
| It is actually a great song, but it's gay to say you like it. | ||
| That's why you gotta take it to your grave. | ||
| And that can't be your bring-up music. | ||
| Yeah, as an intro song in comedy. | ||
| I've been doing Black Skinhead. | ||
| Intro songs, uh, see, that's corny. | ||
| You can't pick a too cool of a song. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| It's just the beat up front. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't want to fucking go, hey, maybe that song? | ||
| I come out to Top's Drop by Fat Pat. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You know who else comes out to that? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Uh, who's, uh... | ||
| Black dude, heavyweight, my balls was hot. | ||
| Lavelle Crawford. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Derek Lewis. | ||
| H-Town. | ||
| It's a Houston classic. | ||
| Derek's the man. | ||
| That's what he comes out to. | ||
| The best come out music was Homer Simpson. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Why can't we be friends? | ||
| Listen to how good this is as an intro song. | ||
| Wait till it kicks in. | ||
| You should do that bomb when it hits in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, that is catchy. | |
| That's fun, right? | ||
| Who's not too serious? | ||
| This is Fat Pat. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| This is Mr. Pat. | ||
| That's a classic. | ||
| That's a classic. | ||
| That's a great one. | ||
| You know, my favorite was, I didn't know the UFC that well, but when Wonderboy fought Tyron Woodley. | ||
| I rarely watched UFC. And then Wonderboy came out to fucking Tenacious D Wonderboy. | ||
| And he was fighting Woodley, who at the time was just a yoked fucking black dude. | ||
| And then you see this karate guy coming out to Tenacious D, and I was like, come on, brother! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please! | |
| Give us one! | ||
| He's a good fighter, though. | ||
| Who, Wonderboy? | ||
| Oh, Wonderboy's the man. | ||
| Fucking unreal. | ||
| Wonderboy's the man. | ||
| But I think he did lose that one. | ||
| I think it was a draw. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| I think it was a draw. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| But there was one point where Woodley had him in the deepest guillotine you've ever seen. | ||
| And then he popped his head out and it was like... | ||
| It was a great fight. | ||
| There was two great fights. | ||
| That was McGregor vs. | ||
| Alvarez? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| I think it was that night. | ||
| I think the best fight is Gagey vs. | ||
| Michael Johnson. | ||
| It's a fucking bloodbath. | ||
| Ooh, that's a great fight. | ||
| That's a great fight. | ||
| That was Gaethje's first fight in the UFC. What? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| Yeah, Gaethje had come over from the PFL. He was the PFL champion, and he came over to the UFC, and it was like one of the most exciting prospects. | ||
| I remember thinking like, this guy's why? | ||
| He goes down like twice, but he comes back up. | ||
| He's the most violent guy in the most violent sport. | ||
| He's my favorite fighter to watch. | ||
| Gaethje? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Diaz, dude. | ||
| Well, Diaz is a fun personality, fun-loving guy. | ||
| No, but he also... | ||
| He's a character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a car. | |
| The last several fights he's been in, they've been fun. | ||
| I was at his fight with Epstein where he fucking gave the fingers. | ||
| We were sitting there and we're like, what? | ||
| Epstein. | ||
| Our jujitsu guy. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Epstein. | ||
| Epstein. | ||
| Oh, yeah, the jujitsu guy. | ||
| Epstein. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I thought you were saying he's fighting Epstein. | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| Oh, you were with Epstein. | ||
| Yeah, he was giving the fingers and he was like, what? | ||
| What?! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not part of it! | |
| Him versus Rocky. | ||
| Who's... | ||
| Marciano. | ||
| No. | ||
| Leon Edwards. | ||
| Him versus Leon Edwards. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So he catches this dude in a triangle. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| Flexes. | ||
| Yeah, that's fun. | ||
| He's got two minutes left. | ||
| There's zero chance it's not over. | ||
| Full on lock on the triangle. | ||
| Tap. | ||
| He doesn't have to grab his head. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| That was my favorite... | ||
| Joe, that was like my favorite call you did. | ||
| Was him walking... | ||
| He's walking towards him like a fucking horror movie. | ||
| He knows his luck. | ||
| He's banged up, just like still walking. | ||
| Oh, that was 08. Yeah. | ||
| Holy moly. | ||
| He was the younger brother then. | ||
| He wasn't his own man yet. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| But still, wicked jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Nasty jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Purple belt. | ||
| Does he still say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He was saying he was a purple belt for a long time. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| He'd be like, shut up, dude. | ||
| Just a purple belt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fine. | |
| When he landed on Leon, the slap and the straight. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| When he hit him with that straight left hand, he was like, ooh. | ||
| Gotcha, bitch. | ||
| See, that's why it's the funnest sport, because they have personalities. | ||
| Like, the Dolphins are just the Dolphins. | ||
| Nah, you'd be surprised. | ||
| You'd be surprised. | ||
| Well, you showed me some Jalen Hurts. | ||
| They didn't let him fucking go nuts on air anymore. | ||
| Yeah, they contain those guys. | ||
| They try to sell sponsors. | ||
| They sell way more. | ||
| They've contained them for a while, but now there's Twitter. | ||
| True. | ||
| You know he's a flat earther now. | ||
| After that game. | ||
| That helps. | ||
| Well, eventually they all become flat earther. | ||
| They get dinged in the head and they're like, the sky's not real. | ||
| What does he come out to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What does Nate Diaz come out to? | ||
| I'll tell you what he comes out to. | ||
| I'll take a California love and then switch to something. | ||
| California love. | ||
| Too short? | ||
| 99 bitches? | ||
| 9900 bitches? | ||
| 99 red balloons. | ||
| West Coast. | ||
| Luftwaffe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, walkout music's important. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I love when a Brazilian comes out and just like whistles and drums and bullshit. | ||
| I was in Brazil with Rogan, our first Brazil fight, and they were all chanting the whole- He has walked up to a mashup of four songs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Could you mashup? | ||
| Could you play it to fire yourself? | ||
| DMX, Lil Wayne, Drake. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He had four songs and Tupac. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Hit it, JMO. So you just fucking mixed it all up. | ||
| The way I am was at the Garden. | ||
| I was at that one. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That was pretty sick. | ||
| That was the fucking bad motherfucker belt. | ||
| Which I wish they hadn't done. | ||
| Yeah, the basketball fight. | ||
| The bad motherfucker belt sucked. | ||
| It was like they were too aware of it. | ||
| It was kind of fun, though. | ||
| That's his mashup? | ||
| There's not much like a world championship walkout at the UFC. Sometimes I take my headset off. | ||
| Like when I'm sitting there doing commentary, when someone's walking out, I just take my headset off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just to take it in. | |
| I'm a fan, man. | ||
| I'm a professional fan. | ||
| He comes out to Scarface, which is fucking sick. | ||
| One of the cool things about being a UFC commentator is I'm just a professional fan. | ||
| What did Anderson come out to? | ||
| He came out to DMX, right? | ||
| Didn't Anderson come out to DMX? Mmm, I like the Gi, because they look like nerds and then they kick ass. | ||
| Olden days. | ||
| We were at a fight in No Sunshine. | ||
| That's a classic. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's a classic. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Is Anderson walking up? | ||
| Ain't no sunshine. | ||
| Bill Withers. | ||
| Yeah, Bill Withers was the fucking man. | ||
| He died during COVID and everyone was like, he's alive? | ||
| He made me so sad. | ||
| I love that guy's music. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| That song, Use Me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Oh my god, that's such a good song. | ||
| You know what was nice? | ||
| I'm fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They put it in Any Given Sunday. | ||
| You ever see that movie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Pacino. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How Pacino? | |
| The old quarterback, Cap Rooney. | ||
| He's like the veteran all-star. | ||
| He was hurt, and then he comes back in the playoffs, and they play Use Me. | ||
| It's such a perfect song. | ||
| It's like a guy who's like, his body's destroyed. | ||
| And it's like, you keep on using me. | ||
| My wife says... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me. | |
| How nice is this? | ||
| Oh, what a great song this is. | ||
| Boy, you pulled out quickly. | ||
| Perfect for a geezer quarterback that's getting fucking hurt. | ||
| Good catch. | ||
| On the song. | ||
| Let me just hear just the song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me hear this part when he lets go to the ball and it plays it. | |
| are stupid. | ||
| You think football players watch this and go, like the way we watch stand-up in movies? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It's like, that's not the way it is. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Movies fuck up everything. | ||
| Movies fuck up everything. | ||
| There's no way they get it right. | ||
| Like every boxing movie, every time someone plays pool in a movie. | ||
| He hated Whiplash, that movie Whiplash. | ||
| It was so fucking sick. | ||
| It was such a good movie. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| But she was like, he's a jazz musician. | ||
| It goes, there's no jazz competitions. | ||
| You just couldn't get over that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I get it. | ||
| The same way we couldn't get over fucking Lockers and Punchline. | ||
| Kumites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And Kickboxer. | ||
| The Kumite with Jean-Claude Van Damme. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah! | |
| And you're like, no, we don't do that. | ||
| Is that Bloodsport? | ||
| Yeah, Bloodsport. | ||
| You're right, you're right. | ||
| That's how I am with football movies. | ||
| It just ruins... | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| There's like a giant hit on every play. | ||
| That would be the biggest hit of the entire season. | ||
| Remember the movie Warrior? | ||
| The movie Warrior. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| To fight with one hand tied behind your back? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's Red Belt. | ||
| Warriors with... | ||
| Warrior, yeah. | ||
| Tom Hardy? | ||
| Tom Hardy, yeah. | ||
| The movie Warrior, they fight two days in a row. | ||
| I go, this is fucking... | ||
| I was in the movie theater. | ||
| I was like, you can't. | ||
| You're killing me. | ||
| These guys would be swollen up. | ||
| Their faces would look like watermelons. | ||
| Like, they'd be so busted up. | ||
| Yeah, they're fine the next day. | ||
| There's not a fucking chance you're fighting two days in a row. | ||
| Yeah, but look at those hot guys. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| Too many guys are getting flatlined and you're fucking getting elbowed in the face. | ||
| Who's that guy on the right? | ||
| That's his brother. | ||
| They fight the brothers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's a hot guy. | ||
| They're all hot guys. | ||
| Couple of hugs. | ||
| It wasn't the worst movie, but there's a suspension of disbelief that's required. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know how to open up my throat, but this guy just sips it for a while. | |
| You don't know how to open up your throat because you poisoned it with whippets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Finish it. | |
| It's done. | ||
| I'm enjoying the show. | ||
| You're so sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to hit the bathroom again looking at some of these bottles. | |
| Yeah, I think they do that with the military, too. | ||
| They have all these side-by-sides of real green versus the movie. | ||
| There's a movie where it's like everybody's fucking Hispanic and black and a lady. | ||
| And they're like, here's the squad it was based off of. | ||
| It's five chubby dudes with beards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like Afghanistan. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| They have the woman general. | ||
| Oh, man, they fucked that up. | ||
| God, they fucked that up. | ||
| They love doing that. | ||
| They love doing that, movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the woman who's in control. | |
| Like a fucking diner, shitty diner for hot dogs, and we walked by a Lifetime original, like, billboard, and it was two female cops with, like, guns out with, like, a male cop sergeant behind them, and Rogan goes, Lifetime is sci-fi for women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That's good. | ||
| It's science fiction. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| It's science fiction. | ||
| Total fiction, bro. | ||
| That's a bit. | ||
| That's what it felt like. | ||
| What if we were the ones who were like, fucking beating up. | ||
| We're the baddies. | ||
| We're Charlie's Angels. | ||
| They always were like, men of the world were toxic, but then they just do it in the movie. | ||
| They do it there. | ||
| We're gonna do karate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that was the karate, and we'll pay our own bills. | |
| And the big guy tried to beat me up, and I was like, no way. | ||
| There's nothing funny than karate with pumps on. | ||
| It's hard enough to do karate barefoot. | ||
| You're wearing pumps. | ||
| And then the movie bombs, but then Fifty Shades of Grey is like the bestseller. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| The Fifty Shades of Grey thing is so nuts. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| My buddy said that he was like on dating apps or dating girls at the time. | ||
| He's like, dude, girls want me to spit in their mouth now, like out of nowhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who said that? | |
| I was like, what? | ||
| I'll tell you later. | ||
| Somebody. | ||
| He, you know, he was realizing like what was happening because of Fifty Shades of Grey, that women were like into like getting choked and spit on and stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he was like out of nowhere. | ||
| He goes like, it's like the movie changed. | ||
| It changed the game. | ||
| Fantasies. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| That's a... | ||
| The billionaire who's like a bad boy, but you get to control, you dominate him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's never a poor guy. | ||
| McCusker had a funny joke about that. | ||
| He was a fucking plumber. | ||
| Everybody would be like, God damn, that guy's a rapist. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some guy in a trailer that was like, I'm going to beat the hell out of you. | |
| Yeah, it's never a janitor. | ||
| The guy with the fucking private jet, I'm good. | ||
| Good choice. | ||
| Good choice, old man. | ||
| J-Mo, you're coming up soon. | ||
| J-Mo, you're up. | ||
| He can take them down like Chinatown. | ||
| J-Mo loves it. | ||
| I'm just disappointed that you guys don't want to do the cold plunge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the Whippets. | |
| That was part of the plan last night. | ||
| I know, but I put my hand in that last time, and it sucks. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the whole point. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| I've never done one. | ||
| I've never done a cold plunge in my life. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| It ain't fun. | ||
| Let me black out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let my body go numb. | |
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| It'll wake you up, too. | ||
| If you're in a blackout and you cold plunge, you'll be up and at them. | ||
| That's West Point, baby! | ||
| Hey, not to bring this down, but I was reading this article today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| I was reading this article today about a slaughterhouse that got fined for having too many children working there. | ||
| Now we're talking. | ||
| Children working on a slaughterhouse. | ||
| That wasn't bad. | ||
| And so then I read this article that was researching this slaughterhouse as one of the worst safety records in the entire country. | ||
| This slaughterhouse, they've had decapitations there. | ||
| A bunch of people have died, but people got decapitated. | ||
| More than 100 children have been discovered to be illegally employed by a slaughterhouse cleaning firm across the country. | ||
| Federal authorities and the Department of Labor announced that a federal investigation found Wisconsin-based Packers Sanitation Services employed at least 102 children. | ||
| Now who are these hero kids that are like, I'll do this at 13. These kids are animals. | ||
| Ranging from 13 to 17 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get a job! | |
| To work overnight shifts at 13 meat processing facilities. | ||
| Can you imagine being at 13 and you're cleaning saws? | ||
| These are good kids. | ||
| Bone saws and brisket saws and head splitters. | ||
| That's how we're gonna beat Russia. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Send over these fucking 13-year-olds. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| A 14-year-old child worked at a Nebraska facility from 11 p.m. | ||
| to 5 a.m. | ||
| 5 to 6 days a week. | ||
| Good kids. | ||
| From December 2021 to April 2022, clean machines used to cut meat. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| At one point, the child fell asleep in class and also missed class after suffering injuries as a result of chemical burns. | ||
| Fuck school. | ||
| Several other children were also reported to have suffered from chemical burns. | ||
| Holy fuck, man. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tough kid. | ||
| 1.5 million in civil penalties. | ||
| It's funny, if there's different guests on here right now, they give us a lot more weight. | ||
| Look at this stuff. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Go back up. | ||
| Scroll. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| The Department of Labor assessed them. | ||
| $15,000 for each minor-aged employee. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| $15,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's worth it. | |
| A year? | ||
| So according to the news release, the PSSI had paid 1.5 million civil money penalties. | ||
| In the Palestine thing, I think they sent like 25 grand and they're like, here you go. | ||
| Wait, do you know what 1.5 million is? | ||
| It means 20 cases of it. | ||
| It means you've only been fined 20 times. | ||
| How do you like that? | ||
| Good math. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once you put the dollar sign, I can do the math. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| You're up, Eddie. | ||
| Jameson, you're up. | ||
| You're that guy, man. | ||
| You're that guy who wants everybody to be as fucked up as you. | ||
| I'm sober as a bird. | ||
| Come on, come on, come on. | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| I'm sober as a bird. | ||
| Come here. | ||
| Go birds. | ||
| This is the most sober I've been on one of these. | ||
| There you go, J-Mo! | ||
| I mean, this guy's a beast! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| This might be a sloppy... | ||
| Like, you're gonna be talking, camera's gonna be on me. | ||
| He's gonna be a mess. | ||
| It's a mess. | ||
| JB's over there spinning, dizzy. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Are we doing the gravity bomb? | ||
| Who's doing the gravity bone? | ||
| Right at the very end. | ||
| We're gonna be done. | ||
| Don't bring that out. | ||
| It's like Gomez. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It's done. | ||
| Just go pee. | ||
| You can't stand up. | ||
| It'll ruin the show. | ||
| Don't bring up the gravity. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He can barely stand up. | ||
| See him standing up with his little pigeon-toed. | ||
| Don't fucking hate him. | ||
| Squeezing his giant balls and dick together between his legs. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| You've seen it obviously a thousand times. | ||
| It's a wild package. | ||
| He's got a giant hog. | ||
| Talk about how nice your dick is. | ||
| He's got a giant hog. | ||
| He's got a giant hog. | ||
| He's big. | ||
| I wouldn't say it's nice. | ||
| It looked like a wizard's wand. | ||
| It's all crooked. | ||
| It's got tree bark up. | ||
| Tree bark! | ||
| Little knots in it. | ||
| It's got knots. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| There's a little gnome in there. | ||
| A wizard's wand. | ||
| That thing was... | ||
| Fucked up. | ||
| I saw it like two hours ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he'll show it to you anytime you want. | ||
| It's a real bag of tricks. | ||
| He used to pull it out on stage. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| I would. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I had a Don, dude, I've got a little fucking nub sticking out. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I'm not showing anyone that thing, especially in high-pressure situations. | ||
| Oh, the worst. | ||
| I had a girl one time, or an old lady I fucked, and she was like, I was taking my belt on, and she goes, you better not have a small dick. | ||
| And I'm like, Jesus, where do we go from here? | ||
| I mean, I got what I got. | ||
| Old ladies are nice to have sex with. | ||
| Ah, she was a squirter. | ||
| Ew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Old lady who's incontinent. | ||
| Old lady squirter is terrible. | ||
| Yeah, just metapistle and prune juice coming at me. | ||
| Every asparagus she's ever eaten in her life is in that place. | ||
| I felt like I was on duty. | ||
| She's like, I have eight kids, four grandkids. | ||
| You gotta please me. | ||
| Four grandkids. | ||
| She was Puerto Rican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was like 19. Who was this lady, dude? | |
| Some gal I met back in the old days. | ||
| She had grandchildren. | ||
| You missed it, Ari. | ||
| She said she had grandchildren and he has to please her. | ||
| Yeah, that was wild. | ||
| She said, you better not have a small dick, and then she pissed all over him. | ||
| I was like 25. I went to work. | ||
| I clocked in. | ||
| I had a hard hat on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| But I mean, my sheets were ruined. | ||
| And I was poor, lived in an Ikea bed. | ||
| How much did she squirt? | ||
| Oh my god, it was wild. | ||
| We had to sleep in the corner of the bed after because it was just so ruined. | ||
| Squirters are nuts. | ||
| And it was cold in my room. | ||
| I fucked a squirter once, I pulled her jeans around her ankles, and she's like, no, no, I gotta walk home from here! | ||
| You gotta take them all the way off! | ||
| I like a squirt. | ||
| It shows you did some stuff. | ||
| I like when they don't tell you. | ||
| Even better. | ||
| When they lie and say this has never happened before. | ||
| Nothing better than that rooster tail coming at you. | ||
| How much of it is piss? | ||
| That's zero. | ||
| Ah, 10%. | ||
| Zero? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| No, I think it's a lot. | ||
| I think it's a bunch. | ||
| I think it's most of it. | ||
| I think everything that's not pissed is just residue. | ||
| Either way, I'll take it. | ||
| Sam Tripoli's joke goes, you ever been pissed on by a man? | ||
| She's like, no. | ||
| To some girl in the crowd goes, you ever shower with a man? | ||
| Then you've been pissed off. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| I'm a big shower whiz guy. | ||
| Shower whiz. | ||
| Yeah, I think everybody is. | ||
| Yeah, who doesn't pee in the shower? | ||
| I think it's just made for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It happens every single time. | ||
| You think women do it? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| They get to pee standing up for the first time. | ||
| Why wouldn't they? | ||
| They're showering, water's flowing, you gotta pee, let it go. | ||
| It's pretty hot. | ||
| It's just water. | ||
| It's pretty hot, I like to think about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My ex loved to shower fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Which I didn't love. | ||
| It's uncomfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awkward. | |
| It's not the right positions. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| The water causes chafing. | ||
| A little chafe. | ||
| Juices you need. | ||
| Love a good juice. | ||
| Love a juice. | ||
| You're gonna need some juices down there. | ||
| The juice is loose. | ||
| People practice fucking everywhere. | ||
| Try it everywhere. | ||
| I fucked in the ocean once. | ||
| That doesn't work. | ||
| Salt water gets in the lady's fucking pussy. | ||
| Salt water gets in your dick hole? | ||
| Did you get salt water in your dick hole? | ||
| Beach is the worst. | ||
| We thought we were slick. | ||
| It was very obvious. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that. | ||
| It's just being ladies out there like... | ||
| You try to have a conversation. | ||
| You try to fake it. | ||
| We're not fucking here. | ||
| Hey, look at the sun. | ||
| It's so beautiful. | ||
| I'm so glad we're here. | ||
| How about that Fauci? | ||
| You gotta fake it. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| Have you ever seen Gavin's video a long time ago about how to pee in public? | ||
| Rosdale? | ||
| No, and he was like, it was like showing you how to pee in public. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| And he's like, you gotta pretend like you're art. | ||
| He's like, I said sell at 45! | ||
| And his dick's out. | ||
| He's like, you don't sell at 50, you sell at 45! | ||
| And he's just pissing. | ||
| It's all these different ways. | ||
| Yeah, newspaper rolled up. | ||
| I thought it was a newspaper. | ||
| Newspaper rolled up through the newspaper. | ||
| Great diversions. | ||
| That was a funny video. | ||
| There's so many guys pissing the streets in cities. | ||
| I've got to find a place to piss. | ||
| I think I pissed last night in the city. | ||
| Where'd you go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just wherever. | |
| So many alleys in Austin. | ||
| New York, you've got to find a place where it's like no one's on the street, no one's behind me. | ||
| I've got like two minutes. | ||
| And once you commit, you're like, look, I'm peeing. | ||
| Yeah, you can't pinch it. | ||
| Somebody finds you like, sorry, I'm pissing in public. | ||
| Yeah, they're gonna look down on me. | ||
| Do you know that in some places, if you get caught pissing in public, if you're like close to a school, they say you're a sex offender, and they can write you up as someone who's exposing himself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I've heard of this. | ||
| I know a guy who got in trouble because he went outside of a pool hall to take a piss, and it was like really close to a school. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| And he got arrested and they fucked with him. | ||
| If I was a sex offender, I'd be like, I was just pissing. | ||
| I was just pissing. | ||
| Well, I think he actually was just taking a piss, though. | ||
| You had your dick out. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| I was just taking a piss. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| If I was a sex offender, I'd go, I was taking a piss. | ||
| These motherfuckers. | ||
| I feel like if that's something you do, you do it more than just once. | ||
| You said I was whacking off at the playground? | ||
| I wasn't doing that. | ||
| When you're 34, you just decide to go show everybody your dick. | ||
| We got a friend who got in trouble fucking in a car to school. | ||
| The Texas Penal Code's got an interesting wording. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Someone commits disorderly conduct when he or she exposes his anus or genitals in a public place and is reckless about whether another person may be present who will be offended or alarmed by his act. | ||
| I knew you would be alarmed or offended. | ||
| Notice how they say his act. | ||
| They say genitals but they don't say vagina or an asshole of a girl. | ||
| His act. | ||
| It says his act. | ||
| They know what they're doing. | ||
| Also they know no one's gonna be offended by a nice Fat pussy at the playground. | ||
| Nice fat pussy pissing all over the place. | ||
| Pissing on a sea. | ||
| Disgusting pussy while I was a child. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You squirting on a seesaw. | |
| Oh, that's hot. | ||
| Dude, it was so great. | ||
| Fucking Weinstein talking to everybody about fucking science shit and then Shane and me and Egot and Tony are just sending each other disgusting pictures over airdrop. | ||
| I was so jealous. | ||
| I was like, I want to be over there. | ||
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| Well, my scene sat down on the floor. | ||
| He just doesn't know how to hang. | ||
| When he sat down on the floor like a mermaid. | ||
| I was like, I was drinking. | ||
| I was like, God damn. | ||
| The thing about comics is, like, if something is funny, we're going to concentrate on that. | ||
| And like, he kept trying to like bring up this point and like, no, no, no. | ||
| I can't forget about the fact the way you're sitting. | ||
| You can see Rogan trying to focus on him, but he's like looking at us laughing. | ||
| He's like, I want to be there. | ||
| Jamie, could you bring up the mermaid sculpture in Denmark? | ||
| Do you think it's the same way? | ||
| I know it's the same way. | ||
| Once I went to piss and I came back and he was still doing it, I was like, you gotta let it go. | ||
| These guys are not listening anymore. | ||
| So Adam went to take a piss and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| That's exactly the pose. | ||
| That is exactly the pose. | ||
| He was in. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| But fatter and Jewier. | ||
| He was doing that and I was sitting there going... | ||
| It's fun getting smart guys drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really smart guys to get drunk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He was having fun. | ||
| Have a good time. | ||
| He was having fun. | ||
| He went off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fibonacci sequence is not what it's cracked up to be. | |
| The Hadron Collider laughing hard at the show. | ||
| He was having fun. | ||
| Those guys never loose on that level. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I'm excited to do stand-up tonight. | ||
| Oh, I forgot. | ||
| It's going to be fun. | ||
| That's going to be fun. | ||
| Mark, do one more bong and then we'll stop. | ||
| Last night was amazing. | ||
| Hold on, let me get this whiskey down first. | ||
| So exciting. | ||
| Last night was fucking sick. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| You missed the ending. | ||
| Probably better you left. | ||
| You stopped doing the fucking Q&As. | ||
| I liked those. | ||
| I do those sometimes. | ||
| I still do them sometimes. | ||
| I love a Q&A. But that was a long-ass show. | ||
| By the time I got on the stage, I was five people in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's wild. | |
| You let an hour and a half go, a full show go before you get on. | ||
| I've done two hours before. | ||
| I don't go on stage until two hours into the show. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Yeah, but we're just trying to do something out here. | ||
| Trying to have some fun. | ||
| The crowds are awesome. | ||
| They're having a good time. | ||
| That was my favorite part of your show, though, because you do the whole show, and then there's a bunch of people that are there to see you that are like, this is Joe Rogan. | ||
| Then you'd be like, all right, you have any questions? | ||
| They'd be like, yay! | ||
| You'd be like, shut up, dumbass! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd see a dude's life just get destroyed. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Joe did this when we were touring. | ||
| Before there was any internet clips or anything like that, he would set up two mics on the aisles. | ||
| He'd say, come and ask me a question. | ||
| Never recorded. | ||
| And it was like, good question, good question. | ||
| And then he would do exactly that. | ||
| You suck. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Someone's fucking your wife. | ||
| And they're like, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Well, it's when guys get aggressive. | ||
| Some guys, they get aggressive and they're like, what are you doing, stupid? | ||
| They try to show their knowledge of your life. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, you say Terry's is the best book. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut up, dummy. | ||
| That's not a real question. | ||
| You got it? | ||
| Oh, look at him. | ||
| He did it fast that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Although you're still holding it like there's stuff left in there. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's how he holds it. | ||
| I don't trust him. | ||
| You know who I saw do that the first time? | ||
| Seinfeld. | ||
| When I went to see Seinfeld, I was 19 years old. | ||
| I went to see Seinfeld in Boston. | ||
| And he did this thing. | ||
| He did his set. | ||
| This is like when Seinfeld wasn't really Seinfeld yet. | ||
| He wasn't like... | ||
| He was just a really known stand-up comic. | ||
| Was it 88? | ||
| Yeah, somewhere around the... | ||
| No, it was actually earlier than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow! | |
| It was because I hadn't done stand-up yet. | ||
| So it had to be 87. Yeah, it was like, I was probably 19 or 20, and I went, and he did stand-up, and then after he did stand-up, he would ask questions and then go in and, like, it seemed like bits. | ||
| He had, like, bits on there. | ||
| It was like he was just riffing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was like, this is amazing. | ||
| This guy's just riffing all these things that people were, like, bringing up about subjects, and I guess that's how it would help him write. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You come up with new subjects. | ||
| I did that with Jew. | ||
| I was like, what do you guys always want to know about Jewish people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| We used to do that. | ||
| Ask a Jew at the store. | ||
| Ask a Jew in A with bears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then eventually I'd be like, okay, this is definitely what non-Jews don't know about us. | ||
| This is the bits I got to write. | ||
| Can we do that now? | ||
| I got questions. | ||
| We can do it now. | ||
| We'll do a stand one night. | ||
| We'll do a stand one night. | ||
| What's with the wigs? | ||
| Loopholes. | ||
| It's all loopholes. | ||
| You can't be attracted to another woman's wife, another man's wife, and hair is something they're attracted to. | ||
| So the Jewish, intelligent Jewish women are like, what if it's someone else's hair? | ||
| What about tits? | ||
| They cover those up. | ||
| What a bummer. | ||
| What about great floppy Jewish tits? | ||
| They're so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Floppy? | |
| Jew globes are the best globes. | ||
| Big Jewish flops. | ||
| Globes? | ||
| You call them globes? | ||
| Jew globes. | ||
| Jewish ladies do have wonderful tits. | ||
| They do. | ||
| Underrated. | ||
| Part about Judaism. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Great tits on Joe Brods. | ||
| It was tits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what else? | ||
| I like the nose. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| I love the honker. | ||
| I like a big nose on a lady. | ||
| Give me a schnaz. | ||
| Why do you like a big nose on a lady? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Something about it. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Builds character. | |
| Robert Streisand was hot. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was young. | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Pull up a young Barbra Streisand. | ||
| Pull up a young Barbra Streisand. | ||
| Look at this fucking scarecrow you're about to see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not even mine! | |
| She was sexy. | ||
| Ari, you're reverting to your act. | ||
| She had clear skin and a disgusting face. | ||
| Is this your bit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Natalie, before she was hot. | ||
| I've thought about her. | ||
| She's a hebe. | ||
| Scarlett Johansson's a hebe. | ||
| Oh, she was hot. | ||
| Go left one. | ||
| Go left one. | ||
| Beautiful eyes. | ||
| She was hot, dude. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Your makeup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| You don't think she was hot? | ||
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| She's cross-eyed. | ||
| She's inbred. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I dated a girl who had a wonky eye. | ||
| I was attracted to wonky eyes for years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Same girl told me to leave the fucking white snake tape behind. | ||
| It's hot. | ||
| They look like aliens. | ||
| She's got J-Mo back there. | ||
| She's hot, dude. | ||
| King of the wonk eyes. | ||
| J-Mo the wonk. | ||
| You don't think she's hot? | ||
| No. | ||
| She's so hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you guys talking about? | |
| Oh, dude, you're out of your mind. | ||
| Well, she's like 100. You look at her face there! | ||
| She's an old lady. | ||
| That's a hot lady. | ||
| She's hot, dude. | ||
| What about Sarah Jessica Parker Young? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at her eyes. | |
| Look how close her eyes are. | ||
| Ari, stop. | ||
| Look at her eyes. | ||
| You're doing this again. | ||
| You keep doing this. | ||
| Look at her eyes. | ||
| These are your people. | ||
| Why don't you love your people? | ||
| You do this a lot. | ||
| You pretend to- She's never been hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's so crazy. | |
| Have you saw her tomorrow at the grocery store? | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| Pull up Sarah Jessica Parker as a youth. | ||
| God, I love Sarah Jessica Parker. | ||
| Not too young. | ||
| I'm talking like eight. | ||
| Eight, nine. | ||
| Sarah Jessica Parker. | ||
| LA Story. | ||
| That was like the first girl I was obsessed with. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I loved her. | ||
| Big blonde hair. | ||
| You and me on the same page on this. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| We just loved that show. | ||
| Sarah Jessica Parker. | ||
| Is that LA Story? | ||
| That's not a great photo. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| She was just young. | ||
| No, but she's Jewy. | ||
| Horseface. | ||
| Family goes right. | ||
| That's Horseface. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She was big in the 80s. | ||
| She was a sexist. | ||
| Look at that with the bra. | ||
| When did she become... | ||
| Look at her tits. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's a cool gal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That movie I just pulled up came out in 87. She was in that. | |
| Damn. | ||
| She was in a movie in 87? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Wow. | ||
| When was LA Story? | ||
| Go with the red pants. | ||
| I mean, look, that's a hot woman. | ||
| No, zoom in on the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So hot. | |
| Dude, she's hot. | ||
| How old was she in all these seven? | ||
| Let's chill. | ||
| Why don't we find her Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker? | ||
| Sex and the City was a wild show for ladies, right? | ||
| It was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They loved it. | |
| The first show for ladies that, like, ladies would just go out and get fucking hammered. | ||
| Yeah, there's an episode where they fuck a black guy, and she's like, I don't know. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| This is a bad idea. | ||
| He's gonna steal my purse. | ||
| It was a whole thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was the 90s. | ||
| It was the 90s. | ||
| Wow, that was the 90s, right? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Hotter than Cattrall. | ||
| No, I liked the other one. | ||
| Who was the nice one? | ||
| The brunette was really soft. | ||
| The redhead was crazy. | ||
| That one lady, Kim Cattrall, she was fucking smoking hot when she was young. | ||
| Even in Texas City, she was still pretty fucking hot. | ||
| She was pretty hot then. | ||
| She was older, but pretty... | ||
| Is that Robert Downey Jr.? | ||
| Yeah, they dated. | ||
| They were an item. | ||
| He was a fun-loving drug addict. | ||
| He loved drugs. | ||
| I would have loved to hang out with him then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Up until about midnight, and then I'd be like, hey, dude, you gotta take off. | ||
| Yeah, one, two in the morning, you'd be with him. | ||
| He loved the cocaine. | ||
| He'd be with him up until he wanted to go uptown. | ||
| I'd be there. | ||
| I'd be like, yep. | ||
| He got arrested at a Radiohead concert, I remember. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah, I remember being a kid and seeing that headline and being like, alright, that's fine. | ||
| That dude did real time. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| He did real time for drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| HBO, real time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that was a good show. | |
| He had Politically Incorrect, real time, and now... | ||
| Is it still real time? | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Oh, sorry, okay. | ||
| That's the show, right? | ||
| I thought that was the old one. | ||
| You want coffee? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ah, I didn't know we could do that. | ||
| Some warm liquor. | ||
| You want some? | ||
| Don't check your phone, you son of an onion! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| We're on a pod! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up! | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Just look at my telephone. | ||
| It's Uncle sending him more fucking stories from now. | ||
| Yeah, he's telling me... | ||
| Charlie! | ||
| Tell me about the hookers. | ||
| Oh, I can't imagine what the jungle whores were. | ||
| Yeah, but what were the hookers when you got to leave? | ||
| So you got to go into, like, Saigon? | ||
| And I got to go nuts? | ||
| You got a good Vietnam look. | ||
| If that hat was green... | ||
| Yeah, you could be a soldier. | ||
| Yeah, you look like a good Vietnam guy. | ||
| Put you in the 60s? | ||
| I look like Paddington Bear. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Berenstein. | ||
| Berenstein, Berenstein. | ||
| The Jew Bear! | ||
| There's a guy who fights in the UFC, Paul Craig. | ||
| His nickname is the Bear Jew. | ||
| Is he Jew? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awesome. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| Not all the Jewish fighters anymore. | ||
| Paul Craig. | ||
| Badass submission fighter. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That says Jewish. | |
| Where's he live? | ||
| Where's he from? | ||
| Scotland. | ||
| Oh, I love Scotland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scotland. | |
| Where'd you? | ||
| Scotland. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| He just lost. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just got knocked out by Johnny Walker. | ||
| Face paint. | ||
| He was doing all that. | ||
| Yeah, he's lost. | ||
| He's won. | ||
| He's a wicked submission artist, though. | ||
| Like, one of the best in the world off his back. | ||
| 6'3", 205, just like me after this weekend. | ||
| A little bit different composition, though. | ||
| Probably a little different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little different than your buddy. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| Pointed at 205 is the main thing. | ||
| You'd fuck him up in a court of law. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's all that matters. | ||
| That's why you guys built that. | ||
| Bringing the barrister. | ||
| We'll see what he says. | ||
| What about Cyril Gans going after old Jonesy? | ||
| Yeah, that's a crazy fight. | ||
| When is it? | ||
| I love Jones back. | ||
| That's March, weekend of March 3rd and 4th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, baby! | |
| When's the last time Jones fought? | ||
| He hasn't fought in three years. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That's got to be the main storyline. | ||
| Is he going to be fresh enough? | ||
| And he's a heavyweight now. | ||
| He's got those elbows. | ||
| Moved up to heavyweight, so is he going to be able to compete with the biggest guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Freak. | |
| He's a monster. | ||
| I mean, Jon Jones is also a freak. | ||
| Yeah, obviously, but... | ||
| Who do you got? | ||
| I'll never bet against Jon Jones. | ||
| Jon feels like he's in his prime. | ||
| Jon feels like he's in his prime. | ||
| Jon's probably still in his prime as well. | ||
| The Tuivasa fight was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love Tuivasa. | |
| I do too. | ||
| He's a fun-loving guy. | ||
| And he was swinging in that fight. | ||
| He was taking those body kicks the whole time. | ||
| It was sad, but he would still fucking... | ||
| That gut would jiggle. | ||
| Jon Jones minus 150. I'm going zero gun. | ||
| I'm going zero gun. | ||
| Well, it's the first time that he's ever fought a heavyweight. | ||
| No, no, he's not. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He's fought a heavyweight before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When? | |
| Jon Jones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went up to heavyweight one time. | ||
| No, no, he's never gone to heavyweight. | ||
| Are you thinking light heavyweight? | ||
| He's a light heavyweight. | ||
| Like Cormier. | ||
| Trust me, I'm a professional. | ||
| He was there in all of them. | ||
| Yeah, he's never fought heavyweight. | ||
| Oh, Anderson said one up to light heavyweight for one fight. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, a couple fights. | ||
| I heard Stipe's coming back. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, they're trying to, well, I think probably what they'll probably try to do is the winner of Jon Jones and Cyril Ghan will fight Stipe, if that makes sense to me. | ||
| Why Stipe, he doesn't need to do it still. | ||
| I'm worried about that guy. | ||
| He wants to win, he wants to beat Jones. | ||
| Still wants to do it. | ||
| He wants to beat Jon Jones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Jones is too technical. | ||
| Why wouldn't he want that? | ||
| Stipe's great, but... | ||
| Well, Stipe is also, like, one of the greatest heavyweights of all time. | ||
| Look at his accomplishments, his record, defended the heavyweight title more than anybody, beaten all these legends. | ||
| Heavyweight's the hardest title to defend. | ||
| He lives in Ohio. | ||
| Cleveland in the fucking house. | ||
| Yeah, you know who was the man was fucking Cheeto Vera. | ||
| That guy's tough. | ||
| Remember that dinner? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Cheeto's the man. | ||
| We had a good time. | ||
| That dinner was so fun. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| Oh yeah, for hours. | ||
| Till like 3 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| We went and got dinner after a show and it was us and Cheeto just eating fucking steak. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cheeto was saying the funniest. | ||
| He's fun. | ||
| Talking about why he trains. | ||
| He's like, if I see a beautiful woman, I just have to run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Wow. | ||
| He's like, that's why I'm going to be the best ever. | ||
| I was sitting there like, fucked up, like, yeah, definitely. | ||
| He's so disciplined. | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| That's why I see a beautiful woman, I'm like, ah, I suck. | ||
| He's like, I see women, I want to fuck them. | ||
| I say, no, no, no, I got to train. | ||
| Ah, good for him. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| He's fighting in San Antonio at the end of March. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, if you guys are in town, we should all go. | ||
| Weren't they trying to put that in the fucking... | ||
| They were putting Cheeto in... | ||
| Wasn't it supposed to be in the Apex or whatever it's called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they're like, why? | ||
| Yeah, Corey Sanhagen. | ||
| It's a great fight. | ||
| And Sanhagen's a fucking monster. | ||
| Oh my god, it's a great fight. | ||
| It's a great fight. | ||
| Those guys are both assassins. | ||
| The top of the game. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| In their, um... | ||
| What's he fighting? | ||
| Hey, there he is. | ||
| What's the date? | ||
| March 25th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheeto. | |
| Bella. | ||
| That guy's scary. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| The club will be open. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Where's it here? | ||
| San Antonio. | ||
| Yeah, let's get a sprinter van. | ||
|
unidentified
|
135. Let's fucking go. | |
| Sanhagen's the fucking man. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's sit in the front row. | ||
| I need some US. I need Cheeto. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| Cheeto's the fucking man. | ||
| Wait, where's Cheeto from? | ||
| Yeah, he's scary. | ||
| Let's go Venezuela, Colombia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ecuador. | |
| Ecuador. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that flag. | ||
| That's Ecuador, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I'm rooting for him. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Yeah, you root for everybody outside of America, you piece of shit. | ||
| I lived there for fucking six months. | ||
| It's my clan. | ||
| You know where else you lived? | ||
| I haven't lived there for 46 years. | ||
| USA, dude. | ||
| You don't even deserve that bong. | ||
| Give me that. | ||
| Fair. | ||
| This is for the US. How dare you, coward. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| God bless. | ||
| I mean, I'm definitely cheering for Cheeto. | ||
| But not because of his nationality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Because I hung out with him once. | ||
| It's a great fight. | ||
| Technically, it's a great fight. | ||
| Do fighters talk about other fighters like we talk about comics? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| You know what else they do? | ||
| They're all very, to me, the brief understanding I've had is they're very, like, nah, I like them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, people you'd think would hate each other. | ||
| They're like, nah, he's a fighter. | ||
| I respect it. | ||
| And they watch each other? | ||
| Yeah, they definitely watch each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you can tell the guys who are, like, real, because they'll recognize what a guy's good at and not good at, and they'll talk about it honestly. | ||
| And then you can tell guys are kind of, like, a little bit in denial, kind of haters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, they're like, he ain't shit. | ||
| He ain't shit. | ||
| He can't say he's not shit. | ||
| He won seven straight fights. | ||
| He's not shit. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that'll do that. | ||
| They'll form that narrative in their head. | ||
| I get him. | ||
| He ain't shit. | ||
| I'll fuck him up. | ||
| I'll do this. | ||
| I'll do that. | ||
| You know what bothers me is when there's a guy that's like hot and then dudes in the back when they're doing interviews and shit are like, I'll fuck you up. | ||
| And the guy who's famous is just like, I know what you're doing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You imagine if that's how it was in comedy? | ||
| They used to do this in the UFC where they interview somebody, like, what do you think about this fight? | ||
| And they tell the next person, well, this guy said this, as they're doing their interview. | ||
| They did it with Anderson Silva. | ||
| I forget who it was he was fighting. | ||
| And he said he's going to take you down and punch you in the face until you submit. | ||
| And Anderson Silva, so confident, he's just like, that's a great tactic. | ||
| I mean, you'd win if you did that. | ||
| That's a great plan. | ||
| Conor was the most vicious. | ||
| People would be like, he was like, ah, I'm going to fight you. | ||
| He's like, Who the fuck is that guy? | ||
| That was the funniest thing. | ||
| He's like, I chose you. | ||
| And your wife was like, break out the red panties. | ||
| We done it, baby. | ||
| We're rich. | ||
| Connor chose us. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's mean. | ||
| Yeah, he did something where he flipped a fucking game on its head. | ||
| If I choose to fight you, you'll make a lot of money. | ||
| This is Jeremy Stevens. | ||
| Right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right here. | |
| The hardest hit in 145 pounds. | ||
| The real hardest hit in 145. Right here. | ||
| This guy TKO's people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I knock people out, they don't fucking move. | |
| Who the fuck is that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can't break out the red panties. | |
| He thought he was gonna be so cool. | ||
| Jeremy Stephens thought he had it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| He can talk. | ||
| Yeah, he can. | ||
| Nate got him. | ||
| Nate got him. | ||
| That was so funny. | ||
| He thought he'd be like, I'll get over it. | ||
| Nate got him. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The gazelle thing is rough. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing about Nate is like, you can't shit talk with him. | ||
| He'll just shit talk back. | ||
| You're not going to hurt his feelings. | ||
| No. | ||
| This doesn't work. | ||
| He's apologizing to Khabib. | ||
| He's like, oh, it's just business. | ||
| But no, Nate versus Conor. | ||
| Conor is doing it. | ||
| Obviously Conor's the fucking man. | ||
| But it's like, it's a show. | ||
| It's a show. | ||
| He's doing it. | ||
| He knows what he's doing. | ||
| He's promoting the fight. | ||
| He's doing all this. | ||
| Nate's just there like... | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is me. | |
| When you sign to fight me, it's a celebration. | ||
| You ring back home. | ||
| You ring your wife. | ||
| Baby, we done it. | ||
| We're rich, baby. | ||
| Conor McGregor made us rich. | ||
| Break out the red panties. | ||
| We're rich, baby. | ||
| So don't say you would not take that fight because you would take that fight like everyone else up here would take the fight against me if it was offered, regardless of belts or any of that shit. | ||
| I'm the money fighting the male shit at all weight division, so fuck everybody else up here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I cannot... | |
| He's right. | ||
| I've made such a big thing of myself that anyone who fights with me is instantly rich. | ||
| He was trying to hit Nate with that. | ||
| And Nate was like, no, I've been doing this. | ||
| Yeah, Nate's like, I already got my own one bedroom apartment. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Nate doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He's like, I'm fine. | ||
| You know how in and out I can afford already? | ||
| He's like, I have Call of Duty. | ||
| I have a 32-inch fucking flat screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got a refrigerator filled with white claws. | |
| I'm gonna fuck you up, dude. | ||
| I know, I say it every time I'm at this table. | ||
| My favorite line was this, like, they're like, how do you think the fight's gonna go? | ||
| And Conor's like, I'll probably knock him out in the first round. | ||
| Nate's just like, he better. | ||
| He better is good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take a coffee break, Nate. | |
| And by coffee break, I mean bring me my coffee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| They want you to give us a quick count to ten, both of you, gentlemen. | ||
| This is a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can't play it. | |
| He can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nate can only count to five. | |
| Count to five, Nate, will you, if you can? | ||
| I ain't counting. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| So we're going to talk about money and business. | ||
| Connor, let me ask you first. | ||
| There's word that you could make 10 million dollars on this thing. | ||
| Is that accurate? | ||
|
unidentified
|
On this fight? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to breeze past the 10, really, Mark. | ||
| Breeze past it. | ||
| How much are you going to make? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A hell of a lot more. | |
| Steaming right along. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I make a lot. | |
| A lot more than everybody else. | ||
| A lot more than his last one, that is. | ||
| He can thank me for that one. | ||
| I've made more millionaires in this game than anybody else. | ||
| Nate, how much of the purse you're going to take home do you owe to Conor McGregor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't owe him. | |
| He owes me. | ||
| Anything over 40 grand he owes me because that was his last paycheck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wipe my for that money. | |
| I tip that money. | ||
| I was gonna get it regardless, sooner or later. | ||
| It was coming. | ||
| With or without you. | ||
| And then the god came and blessed you with it. | ||
| How about that coffee? | ||
| Show the fucking fight. | ||
| If you want to get to a net worth of a hundred million dollars, how close are you? | ||
| Steaming right along. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm steaming smoothly, on loop. | |
| My contract is a peach. | ||
| So, I'm doing very well. | ||
| At the time of this, his net worth was like six mil. | ||
| What a bunch of dumb questions. | ||
| What are you worth today? | ||
| There's people buried in the desert for less than that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| This is the best interview. | ||
| Nate hates this. | ||
| He's miserable. | ||
| I just want to talk about fighting. | ||
| It's like morning radio. | ||
| He's like, I gotta do this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| You spend my total net worth in five minutes at Starbucks, I'm telling you right now. | ||
| No, I'm nowhere to go, but I ask the questions, and so I want to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But Nate, what are your financial goals? | |
| How much do you want to be worth, Nate? | ||
| What kind of money do you want to make? | ||
|
unidentified
|
More than everybody. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What are your financial dreams? | ||
| What to you means you've made it? | ||
| A mansion? | ||
| What a bizarre angle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all about money. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Say it like it is, Nate, will you, bro? | ||
| Who gives a? | ||
| Is this the Money Channel? | ||
| Who the is this? | ||
| I told you that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely did. | |
| That's the thing, though. | ||
| Connor is like, that's funny. | ||
| We're fighters. | ||
| I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The main thing to succeed in this game is to either be me or fight me. | |
| Everything else is peanuts. | ||
| So ask Nate that. | ||
| He knows that firsthand. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Mission accomplished then, right? | ||
| I wanted to ask you how you guys can make the UFC as big as the NBA or the NFL. How is that possible? | ||
| Can it be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just let me loose. | |
| Let me loose on one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we'll see. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because when it all comes down to it, It's about survival. | ||
| This, to me, doesn't feel like sport. | ||
| This feels like something more pure. | ||
| And Fight 2 was like, if this was war, you'd be dead. | ||
| We can put us on this station and talk stocks and numbers and all of this, and we can continue to rise. | ||
| But these other franchises are sports. | ||
| It's kind of funny. | ||
| Every time I get fucked up, I watch this interview. | ||
| It's like a nightly tradition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nate? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you think this, you can get the UFC, the NBA, or the NFL, or should it even try? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even know. | |
| I don't even... | ||
| Next question. | ||
| What a dumb fuck. | ||
| It's like, I don't own the UFC, you dumb idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, next question. | |
| I only got two more. | ||
| He's just like, I'm a fighter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do I have to do this? | |
| Send me a picture and I'll see what you look like. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, you don't want to see the picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two more questions. | |
| This isn't the matchup. | ||
| So they're not even seeing this lady while they're doing this scenario. | ||
| He lost his mic. | ||
| I took it off. | ||
| He's out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, one more time? | |
| Alright, he's done. | ||
| Nate's left, Connor. | ||
| It's just you. | ||
| So I'm going to ask you a couple questions. | ||
| This isn't the match people expected. | ||
| Damn, that's cooler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, that's cooler. | |
| Are you able to build enough anticipation to keep you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
All you gotta do is check the app. | |
| Damn. | ||
| Man, that's the cooler way to lead. | ||
| Nate didn't give a fuck about that. | ||
| But who won the fight? | ||
| Well, the best part is him winning. | ||
| Nate fucked him up. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| And I said, Nate Diaz, you shook up the world. | ||
| I'm not surprised, motherfucker. | ||
| Not surprised, motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 2-0 in those fights. | ||
| It was 3-1, right? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's 1-1 technically. | ||
| Oh, what do you mean technically? | ||
| Very technically. | ||
| That second fight, I've rewatched it as a Nate fan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Conor barely won three rounds. | ||
| Round by round, Conor won. | ||
| Conor got saved by the bell twice. | ||
| Saved by the bell twice. | ||
| And Nate dominated two rounds. | ||
| It was like he won the fight. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the scoring system's fucked up. | ||
| Scoring system sucks. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| How about that Volkanovski? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The scoring system really is designed for boxing. | ||
| We adopted boxing's 10-point must scoring system. | ||
| There's too many things involved. | ||
| When you have boxing, 10-point must system works because it's like two guys, they both are punching each other. | ||
| So what should it be? | ||
| It should be a more complex system that takes into account kicks, punches, submission attempts, And I don't think it should be limited to like a 10-9 thing. | ||
| I think that's a silly way of doing it. | ||
| I think if someone tried to invent a 10-point must system today for MMA, people would think it's too limited. | ||
| From scratch? | ||
| You would want to have a completely different scoring system. | ||
| I don't want to cut you off because you're an expert and I'm drunk. | ||
| I felt like the Volkanovski-Islam fight by UFC rules. | ||
| Islam won that fight? | ||
| It depends on the second round. | ||
| The second round gave a slight edge to Volkanovski in the second round. | ||
| The problem is, so the second round, if you go to the second round, one person scored 10, the other person scored 9. But then you look at the first round. | ||
| Well, the first round, Islam had its back. | ||
| How could that be a 10-9 round? | ||
| Because he really got a dominant position and he held it for a significant portion of the round. | ||
| That's more significant than whatever the fuck happened in the second round. | ||
| Because the second round was 10-9 as well. | ||
| That's why the 10-point muscle system is fucked. | ||
| But if you're looking at two rounds, like, who's up? | ||
| You're like, oh, well, one guy's clearly up. | ||
| It's not tied. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not the same amount of victory. | ||
| Like, look at Islam in the fourth round. | ||
| Had Alex's back the whole time. | ||
| Look at Alex in the fifth round. | ||
| Gets Islam on the ground, pounding on him in the last minute of the fight. | ||
| The most significant moment of the fight total. | ||
| How is that 10-9? | ||
| And then the second round is also 10-9. | ||
| Did they not do 10-8? | ||
| They should do it more often, but they don't do it enough. | ||
| But Volkanovski dropped him in the second round, but then Islam got a takedown but didn't do anything with it, and then Volkanovski got back up, and then Volkanovski got rocked with a punch by Islam. | ||
| So there was a lot of back and forth. | ||
| I gave a slight edge of the second round to Volkanovski, but that is the decide of the fight. | ||
| I watched it three times. | ||
| This is why I like football better. | ||
| I've gone over it multiple times. | ||
| There's a real score. | ||
| I need a real score. | ||
| I've gone over it with a fine-tooth comb. | ||
| The real problem is the scoring system. | ||
| It's not adequate. | ||
| Because if you have, again, if you have a 10-9 round like the final round, where Volkanovski clearly won, and then you have a 10-9 round like the second round, how are they both 10-9 rounds? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| One of them is clearly a lot more dominant in one way, and the other one is like, anybody can decide. | ||
| Like, if you're an Islam fan, you can say, I think he did enough. | ||
| He got the takedown, he landed that one good punch, and landed some other good shots. | ||
| You could make an argument, but you can't make an argument for the fifth round. | ||
| The fifth round was clearly Volkanovski. | ||
| So how are they both 10-9? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| While I was watching it, I knew a takedown is so important. | ||
| And he got them. | ||
| He got the takedowns, and it was like, alright, well, he's going to win the fourth round. | ||
| He didn't do any damage, he's just holding them. | ||
| It's not everything. | ||
| It's like takedown means, oh shit, you're about to fuck me up. | ||
| But if he doesn't, then it's like, well, that didn't mean that. | ||
| There's also a thing where, like, Islam had Volkanovski's back and Volkanovski just punched him in the face over and over again. | ||
| He was yelling at the ref, like, get us up! | ||
| That is kind of crazy because, like, the guy does have control of you, but he's not doing anything good with it. | ||
| So, like, how much of that counts towards the round? | ||
| How much of these Dagestani wrestlers just fucking up the UFC? Crazy! | ||
| Crazy how many good ones there are. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, just like, as far as, like, viewership... | ||
| You just got some guys coming in that are nasty wrestlers. | ||
| Yeah, but people went to see that fight. | ||
| That was a big fight. | ||
| Huge fight. | ||
| First of all, you got the top 155 pounder and the top 145 pounder in their prime. | ||
| Two of the top guys, pound for pound, fighting for the number one pound for pound status. | ||
| Hilda Stone. | ||
| And he was on a home turf. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So that adds to it. | ||
| Yeah, Islam went to Australia. | ||
| There's also an accusation of someone using an IV. They said Islam rehydrated with an IV. In rounds? | ||
| What's wrong with that? | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| Daring him to fight? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, before the fight. | ||
| After the weigh-ins. | ||
| Because he cuts so much weight to make one... | ||
| No, he's not allowed to use an IV. What? | ||
| Yeah, it's illegal. | ||
| It's part of USADA because you could mask PEDs with an IV. So like if you take certain PEDs, you can flush your system out with an IV and then take a piss test and it won't show up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So it's illegal. | ||
| But I don't know whether or not he actually... | ||
| They say that they caught him. | ||
| They say they know, but I haven't seen anything yet. | ||
| So until then, I don't know. | ||
| I will say, as a UFC fan, I feel like more fights are getting questionable. | ||
| That was a questionable one. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| The Patti Pimblett. | ||
| Yeah, the Patti Pimblett one. | ||
| I thought Jared Gordon won that fight. | ||
| That one was crazy. | ||
| It's annoying when you think somebody won and then they're like, no, somebody else. | ||
| You're like, this is stupid. | ||
| Nobody thought other than Patti's family. | ||
| Nobody thought he won that fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was one of those ones like, man, that's hard to call for Paddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Paddy's British? | |
| There were two in that card. | ||
| Scottish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| British. | ||
| Liverpool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Liverpool. | |
| Fun dude. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The man. | |
| Fun guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, he's a lot of fun and he's like a wild, crazy character and he dances and shit and gets in there and gets everybody rooting for him. | ||
| Who's that fucking, who's that black dude that dances on the way in? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| A small guy that should not be a heavyweight. | ||
| Oh, Chris. | ||
| Chris Barnett? | ||
| Chris Barnett. | ||
| Oh, he's amazing. | ||
| Oh yeah, the flip? | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They had a Black History Month UFC clip show. | ||
| It was all like, you know the black guy's going to win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was him getting dominated around one. | |
| And then just wailing on this dude. | ||
| Well, he's like a 5'9 heavyweight. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he throws wheel Look at him. | ||
| He's having fun. | ||
| That was the one I was with you at. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If guys can do that, if they can walk out like that and have fun, it's like just the looseness that comes with that. | ||
| Look at him screaming. | ||
| Oh, that guy! | ||
| Yeah, yeah, he's good. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Fun stuff. | ||
| What's a better combo than Tuivasa and Volkanovski being pals? | ||
| Are they buddies? | ||
| That's a good fucking crew. | ||
| They do fucking shoeys together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's the coolest crew possible. | ||
| They're Australian fighters. | ||
| That's the sickest crew. | ||
| Volkanovski's funny too. | ||
| He's good on pods. | ||
| I knew you were Australians. | ||
| Volkanovski and Tua. | ||
| I was amazed at his performance. | ||
| I was amazed. | ||
| Yeah, good fighter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They lube you into those shoes. | |
| That's so nasty. | ||
| That guy gives him his shoe. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Spit it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| That's gay. | ||
| Covers it up. | ||
| No! | ||
| Throw up! | ||
| When I was in Australia, I was on stage, they were like, do a Chewy. | ||
| I was like, I'm not doing a fucking Chewy. | ||
| The whole crowd ruined the show. | ||
| They were like, boo! | ||
| Did it really ruin the show? | ||
| It fucked me up. | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
| No, I didn't do it. | ||
| Shane digs in. | ||
| I was trying to talk shit. | ||
| I was like, I'm from America. | ||
| You think I'm going to fucking listen to you fucking losers? | ||
| No, you had no choice. | ||
| You had to stick with it. | ||
| You think I'm going to get peer pressured by a bunch of fucking non-Americans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they were all like, fuck you. | |
| Did you go back into material after that? | ||
| Yeah, I tried. | ||
| That was the end of the show. | ||
| No way! | ||
| As soon as they hit me with the do-a-shoe-y and I said, I'm not doing a fucking-shoe-y. | ||
| Whole audience boos. | ||
| I was like, I'm from America, dude. | ||
| You think I'm going to listen to you fucking losers? | ||
| Start doing Nate's dance. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| Nate is like, America, motherfucker. | ||
| How nice is that against fucking at that weigh-in? | ||
| It was so nice. | ||
| It's funny that a date says, I don't sound like that. | ||
| I don't sound like that. | ||
| Well, I don't want to bring that up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Let's not go there. | ||
| We had dinner. | ||
| He was like, just so you know, I don't sound like that. | ||
| I was like, oh, yeah, for sure, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You sound great. | ||
| You're ridiculous. | ||
| Sorry, bro. | ||
| Oh, when he came to Skankfest? | ||
| He came to Skankfest? | ||
| Five minutes into Skankfest. | ||
| Nate was at Skankfest. | ||
| What? | ||
| I invited Nate to Skankfest. | ||
| He was in Vegas. | ||
| I was like, come to Skankfest. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He gets there. | ||
| Him and his bros, who I'm friends with all of them, they're great. | ||
| And they're the most unassuming group of dudes of all time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| None of them are fucking jacked, but they would kill everybody. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They're all just like gremlins. | ||
| Literally like eight gremlins come in, but they got there when they're doing the fucking naked roast. | ||
| Just in time for me to be like, alright, come in, come hang out. | ||
| They get in, there's just a fucking naked fucking goth dude. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| They walked in and like, yeah, this is fucking gay. | ||
| And I was like, I gotta piss. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's gay. | ||
| Technically yes, technically. | ||
| We still haven't paid. | ||
| Went back to the green room. | ||
| How have you held it in so long? | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| I was a bed wetter. | ||
| Went back to the green room. | ||
| While we're in the green room, just a fucking naked dude walked in. | ||
| They didn't even talk to each other. | ||
| They all got up and left. | ||
| We just gotta go. | ||
| They're like, this is gay shit. | ||
| We're not fucking with this. | ||
| And you're like, no, no, it's comedy. | ||
| You're like, it's not that funny. | ||
| And then I looked like a fucking loser. | ||
| I was like, I saw you all walking out with them. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I'm leaving. | ||
| Like, where are you guys going? | ||
| You're like, I gotta go. | ||
| I was like, this is gay. | ||
| I'm not doing this. | ||
| Meanwhile, I was like, come check it out. | ||
| That sucks they came on that night. | ||
| Because that can be fun. | ||
| The Naked Rose is awesome. | ||
| Because Skankfest is great, just not. | ||
| Naked Rose is fucking gross. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| It's definitely gross, but it's a freak show. | ||
| First year of Brooklyn Naked Rose was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I'm an edge lord. | ||
| You're an edge guy. | ||
| I'm an edge lord. | ||
| You're not worried about comedy. | ||
| You're more about like, wouldn't it be funny if our butt and dick was out? | ||
| Correct. | ||
| I'm a lord of that. | ||
| Sorry, that was mean. | ||
| I take it back. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| Dude, dicks are funny. | ||
| Obviously dicks are hilarious. | ||
| Dicks are funny and roasts are funny, so it's fun to get the most. | ||
| I go to any time there's a naked roast, I'm like, oh, I'm going. | ||
| I would sit front row in Brooklyn Skank Fest. | ||
| It was like the one where I saw the trans woman tuck her dick, where it just looked like a woman, and then in the middle of her first joke, she just popped the dick out, and it's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's comedy. | ||
| Or Klempf taking her fucking notes out of her pussy. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Alison Klempf. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| She was like, huh? | ||
| And she reached out and she put a baggie out and it had her fucking jokes in there. | ||
| Whoa, that's a hell of a Gallagher. | ||
| That's a lady. | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Baggie out of a Klempf. | ||
| Yeah, baggie. | ||
| Holy moly. | ||
| Naked Rose took her fucking jokes out of her pussy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| He looks so much like the way. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| I was stuck in a cavity search at the airport. | ||
| Like, wait a minute. | ||
| What are these bad jokes? | ||
| This is smuggling? | ||
| This is worse than heroin. | ||
| That's not the first time she stuffed anything up there to hide it either. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| That's not a thing you come up with on the fly. | ||
| That's a female privilege. | ||
| It'd be nice to be able to have a little storage area. | ||
| I tried. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| You tried to save something in your butt once? | ||
| Yeah, it just keeps coming out. | ||
| Nah, your butt will swallow it. | ||
| It wouldn't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hemorrhoids, you ever use one of those fucking preparation-age things? | |
| I've never had a hemorrhoid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, those suppositories, I'll be honest, they feel pretty good. | |
| You ever do those? | ||
| Right to the glance. | ||
| Your butt just, I got it from here, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it knows what to do. | ||
| It's so nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Suppositories work. | ||
| You're sad. | ||
| You got a hemorrhoid. | ||
| You're like, God, this is disgusting. | ||
| And then you put it in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, golly, that was actually decent. | |
| You get anal. | ||
| What is this Calgary trampede shirt you have on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| Trampede rules. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're gay. | |
| This is going to be bullshit. | ||
| I hate you. | ||
| It was stampede. | ||
| It's like this rodeo in Calgary. | ||
| I went with Bert and O'Neal once. | ||
| It's a girl stampede? | ||
| It's a girl rodeo? | ||
| No, but some chick, it's just like an ICP thing. | ||
| ICP? Yeah, it's that kind of vibe. | ||
| Insane clown posse? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Some chick's blowing like seven dudes in a fucking- What? | ||
| Yeah, in like a garage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Alright, well that's cooler than I thought it was going to be. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Trampede at Stampede. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Stampede is all the fucking cattle rustling come together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Threesome caught on camera at Calgary Stampede rodeo. | ||
| This might be Trampede or it might just be a normal. | ||
| So at the Calgary Stampede, girls go and just fuck guys? | ||
| This chick went fucking wild. | ||
| Wait, was she the senator's daughter? | ||
| I don't think. | ||
| There's a whole thing about a politician's daughter at this Calgary Stampede. | ||
| You gotta put Trampede in. | ||
| We're America. | ||
| Trampede's not coming. | ||
| So Trampede was the mascot of Stampede for a while. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And she's just fucking dudes like ICP level in the parking lot. | ||
| So it's a girl who goes to the Calgary Stampede and just fucks everybody? | ||
| There are more birds nine months after Stampede than any other time in Calgary. | ||
| I think there's a lady who's a politician's daughter and it was a whole thing in Calgary. | ||
| I was just there, and they were like, talk about this, the place will go nuts. | ||
| We went once. | ||
| Me, Burt, O'Neal, Edgar, and Kathleen McGee went for Stampede. | ||
| It was such trash. | ||
| I threw up on a child. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm trying to keep up with Burt, but Jameson! | ||
| What an idiot! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I barfed on a kid, blackout, I just heard... | |
| It got on him! | ||
| And I'm like, God damn it. | ||
| I had to fucking sleep it off in the bathroom. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| In that video, in that picture. | ||
| Damn, that girl's a beast. | ||
| I think that's her. | ||
| No regrets. | ||
| Yeah, she went viral. | ||
| She started doing porn. | ||
| She started doing porn? | ||
| She went viral for sucking cucumbers and fucking two dudes in a parking garage? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| This is hard for women. | ||
| It's a hard industry for women to break into. | ||
| All you gotta do is suck a cucumber and fuck two guys in a parking garage. | ||
| Anyway, the problem is you can't get out of it. | ||
| Everyone's gonna remember that one. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| But they celebrated her. | ||
| No one cares about the account suspended. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She's been porn now. | ||
| She's into porn now. | ||
| Elon, get her back, dude. | ||
| Yeah, but you can do porn on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah, what's going on, Elon? | ||
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| Do something, man. | ||
| Free trampede. | ||
| She might have went off. | ||
| She might have gone QAnon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She might have went Pizzagate. | ||
| I'll be honest. | ||
| If you're sucking dick in a fucking parking garage in Canada, the next thing you know, you're like, there's a basement there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| A goddamn basement there. | ||
| It is pretty flat. | ||
| There is a basement there. | ||
| Why were they posting all that on Instagram? | ||
| The Atlantic was fake. | ||
| I wonder what she got suspended for. | ||
| That's a wild lady. | ||
| I'd like to read her tweets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love how you can call up Elon and be like, can you tell me exactly what she was suspended for? | |
| He goes, here's the deal. | ||
| I probably could. | ||
| I wouldn't want to waste his time, though. | ||
| You don't want to get too many of those text messages returned. | ||
| You've got to be careful. | ||
| That's funny that that's yours. | ||
| I've got a bunch of dudes that I'm like, I'm not going to text them. | ||
| I don't want to waste this text. | ||
| Yours is Elon. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Soders was like when the guy was the coordinator at the... | ||
| Oh, that's his close friend, though. | ||
| Yeah, and he goes, can you get me one of those throwback jerseys? | ||
| Dude, I'm running a playoff game right now. | ||
| I gotta worry about the run game. | ||
| Get me one of those throwback jerseys. | ||
| When you think about Elon, though, these guys running three different companies simultaneously. | ||
| I don't even understand it. | ||
| I don't know how it's possible to run Tesla, Twitter, SpaceX, boring systems. | ||
| I don't understand anything about Elon. | ||
| And he still responds to tweets. | ||
| And he's having 19 kids. | ||
| At least 19. He's busy. | ||
| Shooting them right now. | ||
| Shooting loads right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shooting loads. | |
| No pressure. | ||
| Him and Nick Cannon. | ||
| Falcon X. Saving the population. | ||
| How many kids does Nick Cannon have? | ||
| I think he's up to 12. Most of them. | ||
| Look at the apostles. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And step program. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You better keep working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You better keep working because you got a monthly nut that's tough to fucking cover. | ||
| Now Whitey is real low on the baby chart. | ||
| What? | ||
| What is? | ||
| Whitey. | ||
| Like, we're not having kids anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, how hard was it for you? | ||
| Ari fucked it up for everybody. | ||
| In vitro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clipped. | |
| I got clipped. | ||
| You got clipped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Ari's never having kids again. | ||
| No, I think a lot of people, the in vitro thing is they're having them too late. | ||
| They're having it late. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, people want their career, they want a family, they want everything, they want the whole deal. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Next thing you know, they're 40 and they're trying to get pregnant. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| Are you thinking about having them? | ||
| Yeah, I'd like to have a kid. | ||
| When do you think you would go? | ||
| How old are you now? | ||
| I'm 39. How old's the missus? | ||
| 31. She's good. | ||
| She's good to go. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| She's got three more years before things get dicey. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't have a scrambled egg. | ||
| Oh, 48 and pregnant? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Who? | ||
| Da brat. | ||
| To Brett. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't that woman from Rocky IV, remember the woman that Sylvester Stallone was dating? | ||
| Wow, 48 and pregnant. | ||
| Wow, that's incredible. | ||
| It's ideal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll see how that turns out. | ||
| That lady from Rocky IV, the really tall lady that used to be married. | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| She got pregnant late. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think she was in her 50s. | ||
| Well, she had good genes. | ||
| Yes, Viking jeans. | ||
| Yes, that's a tall, blonde whore. | ||
| That's a tall drink of water. | ||
| But wait a minute, how old was your lady, if you don't mind me asking? | ||
| She's 54 when she had a kid. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's not Flavor Flaves, is it? | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| It might have been Flavor Flaves. | ||
| Maria Desi. | ||
| Wow, 54 is nuts, man. | ||
| That's a gamble. | ||
| That thing could come out cross-eyed. | ||
| It might. | ||
| Yeah, look at it. | ||
| Kid looks fine. | ||
| She looks healthy again. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Snap back. | ||
| 54. Strong genes. | ||
| This could change the game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you had them early. | ||
| Yeah, my wife was in her early 30s. | ||
| When you get into like late 30s, like Brigid Phetasy, my friend, she had her kid at like 41. Really? | ||
| Yeah, last Brigid. | ||
| She's the best. | ||
| Was it not a... | ||
| No, the kid's fine. | ||
| The kid's amazing. | ||
| I saw her on a plane to Myanmar, I think. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| She was like, we barely knew each other. | ||
| This was like six, seven, eight years ago, and she was like, I met you once at the comedy store, right? | ||
| I was like, oh, yeah. | ||
| But I was so ready to be gone from society that I was like, nice to see you again. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| I just went back to my seat. | ||
| What a fucking dork. | ||
| You were in that fucking rambling mode. | ||
| You get in rambling mode, you get to travel. | ||
| If you see somebody, it brings you back. | ||
| It sobers you up. | ||
| I don't want to be the poses right now. | ||
| You just enjoyed vanishing, huh, for a few months? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you guys doing? | ||
| But wait, did you feel like kids fucked you up? | ||
| No, in one way. | ||
| Well, I mean, you've got to be present and soccer practice and changing diapers. | ||
| It makes you think about people other than yourself. | ||
| There's good to that. | ||
| All right. | ||
| It's also, it's like, it changes everything. | ||
| It makes the world a way better place. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's way more interesting. | ||
| It's way more fun. | ||
| Like, their fun is your fun. | ||
| Their fun makes you happier than anything you could ever be happy about for yourself. | ||
| So I feel about raves. | ||
| It's just different. | ||
| About raves? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Everyone's having a good time. | ||
| This place is great. | ||
| The fucking universe is awesome. | ||
| Yeah, they're connected. | ||
| Ari just woke up. | ||
| It's kind of sad. | ||
| A little bit sad. | ||
| Glow sticks? | ||
| Sad with, yeah. | ||
| Kids is better than raves. | ||
| Remember who loves his dog? | ||
| See how he loves his dog? | ||
| He fucking made out that dog on the last one. | ||
| That dog rules. | ||
| Bandit's the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That dog rules. | |
| That dog rules. | ||
| Bandit's the best. | ||
| Bandit's the best. | ||
| That dog rules. | ||
| Bandit's the best. | ||
| That dog rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bandit's the best. | |
| Fucking nothing to do with it. | ||
| They went nuts on you kissing that dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They hate you. | ||
| The black community. | ||
| After what you did the first time, and then now this? | ||
| I killed Magic Johnson, and then this. | ||
| By the way, AIDS got cured. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Hook it up. | ||
| Multiple people have been cured of HIV now. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Jamie, you're next. | ||
| Because once they get the prep where it's not a real thing, then they're like, we had the cure forever. | ||
| Let's just release it. | ||
| Michael Che had a good joke about that. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| He did our podcast and he was like, here's a sketch I couldn't do on SNL. And then I think he ended up doing it. | ||
| But it was those AIDS commercials. | ||
| And then just a dude being in the middle of it. | ||
| Have you seen those prep AIDS commercials? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where they're like... | ||
| Oh, I have seen those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's tons of them. | |
| They're weird. | ||
| You take it if you think you might be getting HIV and you're just banging guys. | ||
| It's like two dudes together fishing or playing the drums. | ||
| And then he was like, the sketch would be a guy in the middle of it being like, but I'm not gay. | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| This isn't for gay AIDS. Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Just one of these guys in the middle of the commercial being like, actually, I'm not gay. | ||
| Do you have to be gay to get this commercial? | ||
| Imagine if you're a straight guy and you got that commercial and people are like, you're taking jobs away from gay people. | ||
| So this is like a pill that you take to make sure that you don't get AIDS? Dude, uh, uh, um... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Fucking, what's his name? | ||
| That sucks to get that. | ||
| Mateo. | ||
| After, uh, auditioning for years. | ||
| He was just like, you let HIV-positive dudes blow loads in your butt. | ||
| You cannot get it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Who did this? | ||
| Matteo. | ||
| He's like, you just go for it. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Oh, that's easy. | ||
| This is before. | ||
| He was pre-prepped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At NWA. Yeah, it's a force field. | |
| NWA AIDS. It just stops him from getting in there. | ||
| He won't get it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| If you're on prep, you're fine. | ||
| So none of them worry about AIDS anymore. | ||
| No, why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| That's what the A stands for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's that? | ||
| We're about to have to leave that one. | ||
| Yeah, maybe pull that one out. | ||
| It used to be at one point in time, that was a death sentence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Edward with AIDS. | |
| That's too good. | ||
| That's a rough one. | ||
| J-Mo! | ||
| Time stamp that one, J-Mo. | ||
| You're the voice of reason. | ||
| Time stamp it? | ||
| Figure it out? | ||
| Time stamp it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
N-W-A, the A is for AIDS. Instead of attitude. | |
| Easy, I'm just saying. | ||
| I'm not making that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The man had HIV. Remember when you used to live stream this podcast? | |
| We still do livestream fight companions. | ||
| We did the fight companion, hammered, live, Eddie Bravo talking about Flat Earth and satellites aren't real. | ||
| That's fun! | ||
| I love Flat Earth. | ||
| We're live right now. | ||
| Whoopsies. | ||
| I'm ruined. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoopsies. | |
| My dad was right. | ||
| I'm ruined. | ||
| I can't wait to bring Phil to a fucking theater and talk about sucking his dick. | ||
| Dude, you gotta do that. | ||
| That'd be so fucking great. | ||
| That'd be so great. | ||
| But the problem is now he's proud of me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Now my family's proud of me, which is funny. | ||
| Well, when you walk on stage now, they go crazy. | ||
| And so, like, they've got to accept the fact that it worked out. | ||
| Yeah, but now my dad's a lot. | ||
| He's very—everything he does, I copy him. | ||
| So he's very, like, all right. | ||
| Like, if there's a—he's like, I'm gonna bomb. | ||
| Like, he's that guy. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's where you get it from. | ||
| People are going crazy and he's like, what are they going crazy for? | ||
| But then if I'm not there, he's like, you see my son? | ||
| Oh, got it. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| It's very sweet. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| My parents won't give it up, but sometimes we'll be out to dinner and someone's like, hey, I'm a fan. | ||
| And they're like, oh, I guess we got to give it up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We got to like, oh, okay, good for him. | ||
| So your parents still don't give it up to you? | ||
| I don't get a lot of giving it up. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| My family gave it up too much. | ||
| But they understand you're successful, right? | ||
| They like me too. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| You think they understand it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, comedy's such a strange world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think they give it up. | ||
| Like, I met, I opened for Jerry Seinfeld, so that's something they'd be like, okay, that we've heard of. | ||
| Are they worried that it's like, Temporary, maybe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, oh, this is Mark Norman. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it's working out for now, but it might go bad. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's how we feel. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| I wake up every day like, all right, you suck. | ||
| Yeah, this is a long life we got. | ||
| We're going to do this forever? | ||
| I mean, you're doing whippets at 78. You know what's sadder? | ||
| When people stop doing it. | ||
| Yeah, it's really sad. | ||
| When you run into a guy who used to do comedy, you don't do comedy anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's really sad. | |
| Especially if they had at least one good set where you could have figured it out. | ||
| Or maybe even a special or two. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| And you run into guys and you don't do comedy anymore? | ||
| No, I'm a producer now or no, I'm just having a normal life. | ||
| You remember during the pandemic when you didn't do comedy for months and you're like, I guess this is life now? | ||
| I felt empty. | ||
| It felt weird. | ||
| We were all at Central Park, Louie showed up with Liss and Sarah, and it was like, we're talking about comics, and he's like, I mean, we're not. | ||
| We don't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're not comics. | |
| What are we? | ||
| You emo fucking pussies. | ||
| You're talking about Louie CK. No, you. | ||
| No, Louie CK. Well, Louie's also an emo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| That's who you're talking about, because that's who the quote was. | ||
| We're not even comics now. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| We're not even fucking... | ||
| We had nothing. | ||
| Then the parks opened up, then the roofs opened up. | ||
| It was like, alright, I got a purpose. | ||
| All you guys had to do was not be in New York. | ||
| I left New York and did stand-up. | ||
| No, New York was going on in New York. | ||
| That was fucking lame, dude. | ||
| The rooftop shows. | ||
| Anytime I went back to New York, it was a rooftop or you were out front. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rooftop? | |
| Tiny covered. | ||
| Tiny covered. | ||
| Out front of the stand. | ||
| You were doing the street in the stand. | ||
| That was rough. | ||
| Lady would be walking her dog through you in the crowd. | ||
| That shit sucked. | ||
| Fitzsimmons? | ||
| Because they'd walk by through the crowd. | ||
| Fitzsimmons would be like, just like, as soon as anybody comes, I'm just going to fucking roast them. | ||
| Just to fucking... | ||
| Yeah, but all you have to do is leave this... | ||
| I did the road in June of the pandemic. | ||
| I did too. | ||
| I did Texas and Florida. | ||
| I did hyenas in Fort Worth, like, early. | ||
| And there was no distancing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I walked in, it was a fucking packed full room. | ||
| And even I, who deny the fucking COVID, walked in and I was like, God damn, dude. | ||
| You guys are wild. | ||
| This is scary. | ||
| I did one weekend in Houston in July. | ||
| Me and Hitchcliff and Moses did one weekend in Houston and I was like, I can't do this anymore. | ||
| I'm like, what if I get somebody sick? | ||
| That's all I can think of. | ||
| I'm being selfish. | ||
| Somebody with a fat grandparent comes out that they live with and you're like, ah, fuck. | ||
| The problem with me is that I did podcasts. | ||
| It's like, what if I got a guest sick? | ||
| And this is when we were testing every day. | ||
| You guys were testing even back then. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| Tested. | ||
| Every day we tested. | ||
| No one else did that? | ||
| No one did that. | ||
| You took the most precautions when it came to COVID of anything I've seen. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to make sure. | ||
| Also, we had a nurse on staff. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| They don't have it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did it. | |
| God, I miss her. | ||
| I loved her. | ||
| She was great. | ||
| Did everything we needed to do in terms of getting shots and gave people B12 shots and IV vitamin drips. | ||
| You look feeling better than you did before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Norman came over to my podcast studio. | ||
| I just opened it. | ||
| And then COVID hit. | ||
| I'm like, fuck! | ||
| I know. | ||
| Everyone was like, Schultz, Michelle, I can't, can't. | ||
| Norman came over. | ||
| We did one podcast. | ||
| Were you guys nervous being around each other? | ||
| No, we just wore masks and ski masks and shit. | ||
| And we made a joke out of it. | ||
| Because it was like, this doesn't seem real, it was funny. | ||
| I remember we were going, this is going to end everyone at each other's throats. | ||
| No more gender politics fighting. | ||
| I thought it was going to save the world. | ||
| I thought it was going to cleanse everything. | ||
| Hey, we all hate each other. | ||
| I think it kind of did. | ||
| No, it made everything way worse. | ||
| People got crazy. | ||
| I think that shit's gone, dude. | ||
| It depends on who it is. | ||
| Being home in front of your fucking anger box made everybody way worse. | ||
| If you're still in the culture war. | ||
| Culture war. | ||
| Get out of it. | ||
| Get out of it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Yeah, some people need it, though. | ||
| That's like where they get their identity from. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| It's their whole personality. | ||
| There's turtles in the fucking river here. | ||
| Go have a fucking walk. | ||
| Go be funny. | ||
| Go do comedy. | ||
| Go get laughs. | ||
| Turtles in the river. | ||
| That's the distraction. | ||
| Turtles in the river. | ||
| I saw those turtles, and then immediately I was excited. | ||
| I go, oh, turtles. | ||
| I like to see turtles, and then I saw a tent, and I was like, oh, there's a man dying in the mud. | ||
| It's good we walked here. | ||
| They found an alligator in one of the lakes out here. | ||
| It's very rare, but occasionally someone will fucking let a pet loose. | ||
| They have alligators in south of Texas, though. | ||
| Have we talked about this on here? | ||
| What? | ||
| That guy who died, and his last words were, fuck those alligators, and he jumped off a dock. | ||
| He was drinking a bar, and they were like, you can't go in that lake. | ||
| Fuck those alligators. | ||
| Tons of alligators, and his last words were, fuck those alligators. | ||
| As they ate them, and he just jumped in. | ||
| He got munched. | ||
| We definitely have talked about this on here. | ||
| And then a few days later, his friend went out on the lake and killed the alligator. | ||
| Where are we here? | ||
| I think in South Texas. | ||
| Fuck that alligator. | ||
| Man killed seconds after mocking gator warning. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| 28 year old Texas man was attacked and killed by an alligator almost immediately after being warned by a bystander not to swim in the water. | ||
| Replying, fuck that alligator before jumping in. | ||
| Bugs feet reports. | ||
| 11 foot gator. | ||
| Whoa, that's a big, big foot. | ||
| The next thing I know, I didn't even know how long it was. | ||
| I saw his body floating face down. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| I saw his body floating face down and then he's up there for a couple seconds and then he gets dragged back down and pulled off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He's just meat. | ||
| He's just meat. | ||
| It's pretty fun, though, to be hammered and be like, fuck that fucking loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He went for it. | |
| He went for it. | ||
| He failed, but he went for it. | ||
| Yeah, an alligator killed an 85-year-old woman yesterday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| Look at him getting fucking... | ||
| He's got the duct tape on the mouth. | ||
| His hands behind his back. | ||
| He's being let off like a fucking terrorist. | ||
| Look how they do it in his arms. | ||
| The dog survived and she didn't, which is pretty crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dog survived? | ||
| Dog survived. | ||
| That's always nice. | ||
| That's always the worst part. | ||
| When I was young, we used to go to Hilton Head in South Carolina, and it would always be, you're walking your dog, and the fucking gator grabs it. | ||
| They love the dogs. | ||
| Dogs bark at the alligators. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| So they just bark at it. | ||
| They stay right on the edge, and the alligator's like, I'm just coming at you. | ||
| I'm going to eat you. | ||
| It's so many of them, too. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| They ate a baby in Disney World. | ||
| Orlando, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta shoot him in the head. | ||
| It's the only way. | ||
| That's when those people were like, there was some chick at like CBS or something. | ||
| She was like, fuck that man whose baby died. | ||
| And they were like, what? | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| Somebody from like CBS or somebody high up. | ||
| Some chick who was like, you know, angered. | ||
| And then they were like, no, no, no, you can't actually. | ||
| Or some lawyer. | ||
| And it's like, you can't actually root for a baby's death. | ||
| Why were they saying fuck the guy whose baby got killed? | ||
| Because it was a man. | ||
| What? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that simple? | ||
| Just fuck men? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What a nice lady. | ||
| That's like the worst one ever. | ||
| You fucking save up your money, you go to fucking Disney with your family, and a fucking reptile eats you. | ||
| It's a dinosaur. | ||
| They come out of the water and eat you, and then they go back. | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| That was really her only take? | ||
| Was like, fuck the guy? | ||
| Yeah, it was like, fine, fuck him. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| These men have done this for centuries. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I got fingered once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm glad a two-year-old got eaten by a fucking reptile. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So many people's hot takes off of Twitter. | ||
| It's just fucking amazing. | ||
| We were talking about it at a club, how they were boycotting a club because they booked someone they didn't like. | ||
| Someone who had an allegation or something. | ||
| And all these local comics were boycotting, like, fuck this club. | ||
| And then on Tuesday, they were like, hey, so here's our spots for the week. | ||
| We can call in. | ||
| And the club owner was like... | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You said to fucking boycott a female in my club. | |
| No fucking way. | ||
| It is a business. | ||
| Yeah, like you just said not to come here. | ||
| Here's the thing about those comics. | ||
| They always suck. | ||
| They suck. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Not a talented one amongst them. | ||
| Yeah, it's never like a high-level working comic who's like, I'm out there. | ||
| No one who's got a future. | ||
| No one who's got a great point of view. | ||
| No one who respects the art. | ||
| All of them suck. | ||
| They're all just fucking frauds. | ||
| Well, there's this weird notion of like, if you're gone, I'll get all the spots. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I don't even know if that's it. | ||
| I think it's just like, I'm trying to be important. | ||
| They're trying to be a part of a big story. | ||
| Well, you get clicks off of hating that person. | ||
| If they had to do it anonymously, they wouldn't do it. | ||
| Virtue signaling is a lot like name dropping. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's a thing that people try and everybody knows what you're doing. | ||
| It's like, ew. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| You might get some likes on Twitter because people are stupid. | ||
| Dummies will like you. | ||
| You'll get a dummy fan base. | ||
| Yeah, you'll get dummies that'll like what you're saying, but everybody else knows what you're doing. | ||
| I stand with Ukraine. | ||
| Yeah, look at my flag. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| No one knew about Ukraine ten minutes ago. | ||
| Yeah, you got two fucking syringes in your profile and then a flag. | ||
| It's just all the same. | ||
| I stand with France. | ||
| I stand with Haiti. | ||
| I stand with Ukraine. | ||
| It's just like, it's the most obvious. | ||
| No hate with a thing under your eye. | ||
| It's just like, you guys are just being so... | ||
| I see through it. | ||
| Yeah, well, the best one was during COVID when they got everybody to sing songs. | ||
| Come on, cut that. | ||
| Not that one. | ||
| Help Palestine. | ||
| The good Palestine. | ||
| We're going to talk about this. | ||
| Help Palestine. | ||
| Come on, cut that out. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy Iblis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Iblis. | |
| What is that? | ||
| You're in Iblis. | ||
| Arabic? | ||
| No, you're the devil. | ||
| You're the devil. | ||
| Bring Arabic in here, dude? | ||
| I'll speak a little Arabic if I need to. | ||
| Is that what Iblis is in Arabic? | ||
| Iblis. | ||
| Devil. | ||
| Kusamach. | ||
| That's the only one I know. | ||
| What's it? | ||
| Kusamach. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Fuck your mother. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| You don't have to say it like that. | ||
| That's how they mean it. | ||
| It sounded like a good sandwich. | ||
| Kusamach. | ||
| Kusamach on rye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America! | |
| Mark, do one more. | ||
| I could use a little more buffalo. | ||
| No, I want Mark to do more. | ||
| Trace. | ||
| Yeah, the leader of the devils. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Not even the devil, the leader of them. | ||
| Crazy Iblis. | ||
| Am I the leader of the devils? | ||
| According to Shane Gills, you are. | ||
| You're Iblis. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| What else is going on, guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else are we talking about? | |
| What's the news today? | ||
| Spy balloon. | ||
| Fucking spy balloons. | ||
| What do you think those balloons are that they're shooting? | ||
| How about that one missile they missed? | ||
| Where'd that thing go? | ||
| They missed the balloon? | ||
| They missed the balloon. | ||
| Where'd that missile go? | ||
| Did they? | ||
| I thought they shot a few down. | ||
| East Lansing, Michigan. | ||
| Yeah, they shot a few down, but they missed one time. | ||
| And so one missile, it's like, I don't know where it went. | ||
| I like it's like, every country has spies. | ||
| They're like, they're spying that ass! | ||
| But that's not an arrow, that's a fucking missile. | ||
| Where'd that $400,000 Tomahawk missile go? | ||
| Where'd that go? | ||
| It went to a fucking inner city school in Saskatoon. | ||
| Missed Lake Huron object with first missile strike. | ||
| So it must have went in the lake, I guess. | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| How'd your uncle tell everybody exactly where it was and then they couldn't hit a balloon? | ||
| That lady's the worst at that job. | ||
| She's so good. | ||
| I like the hot chick. | ||
| Who's the guy from Fox that just goes there and bothers them? | ||
| Peter Doozy. | ||
| Dude, Peter Doozy was on the flight to Ukraine. | ||
| He got stuck in Warsaw when Biden went to Ukraine. | ||
| It was just making me laugh knowing that there's just a guy on the plane that's just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mr. President, this is what you're doing. | |
| He's some fucking old guy, like, get this goddamn asshole off this fucking plane. | ||
| Like, they just have to bring the douche. | ||
| I love how CNN went hard at Trump, like, off, like, not really the news, just trying to gotcha questions. | ||
| And then Biden wins, and they're like, oh, you guys are going to use the tactics we figured out? | ||
| Of just, like, derailing conversation. | ||
| Well, Biden has to deal with one douche. | ||
| He's got Ducey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ducey's non-stop, just like, what the fuck are you guys doing? | ||
| With Trump, it was every fucking press conference. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love it when he was like, you're rude. | ||
| You're rude. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Next. | ||
| Next. | ||
| I know where you are. | ||
| Remember when you got the lady? | ||
| She was like, I didn't expect you to call on me. | ||
| I wasn't thinking. | ||
| He was like, you never think. | ||
| Ooh, I remember that one. | ||
| Everyone was like, yo! | ||
| It's crazy to have a guy who does that who's the president. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| That Rand Paul's no joke. | ||
| He keeps going out there. | ||
| Although, Biden don't talk shit. | ||
| Talk a little shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Biden talks a lot of shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, these dudes try to, like, come at him. | ||
| Because you're, like, I'm the most powerful guy. | ||
| You're going to fuck with me? | ||
| I haven't seen any shit talking from Biden. | ||
| Although he does the thing, you know what? | ||
| I've noticed Democrats do it a lot as they laugh. | ||
| Like, when someone, like, brings something up to them, they go... | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's a tactic. | ||
| Do you know how many bodies I have in my count? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
| That's one of the classics. | ||
| You're full of shit in a tense gun rights argument. | ||
| Dude with a fucking monster beard. | ||
| Imagine looking into those vacant eyes. | ||
| He's saying you're full of shit. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, you're a robot. | ||
| Union worker in fucking Delaware and the president comes in and he's like, you're full of shit. | ||
| That guy probably fucked everyone in the town after that. | ||
| He's probably a man. | ||
| I gotta fight with the president today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tommy, I like how you stood up to that fucking fascist on CNN. Hell yeah. | |
| That's a credit. | ||
| That is the hard part is the right wing guys are more fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're fun-loving guys. | ||
| Like, if you got a union guy with stickers on his helmet that's like fucking saying wild shit and then he argues with the president, it's like nice. | ||
| The opposite of that is some fucking fat lady with a crew cut being like, Donald Trump is Hitler! | ||
| You're like, I don't want to hang out with that. | ||
| It does not seem fun. | ||
| I don't want to hang out with that guy. | ||
| I don't want to hang out with that lady with the knit cap that's screaming. | ||
| You know that one lady with the knit cap that's like... | ||
| You're just screaming all the time. | ||
| You know that classic video? | ||
| Meanwhile, if the dude with the fucking wolf helmet that broke into the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
If he was at the show night, he'd be like, yo! | |
| What are you doing here? | ||
| That guy, the wolf helmet was at your barbecue. | ||
| That guy's a vegan. | ||
| He's organic. | ||
| He's always trying to be something. | ||
| He's fucked for the rest of his life. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Obviously, you can't fucking do that. | ||
| He goes down in history like that. | ||
| But he's in jail. | ||
| He's in jail forever. | ||
| Wait, he's in jail forever? | ||
| He's gonna be in jail for a long time. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're gonna put him in jail, and he's always gonna have a record now. | ||
| He's always gonna be that guy that did that, that broke into the White House. | ||
| That makes sense, that he's always gonna be that guy that did that, but how long is he gonna be in jail? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's a good question. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| The shaman, how long is he in jail for? | ||
| 36 months. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| He's a sexy guy. | ||
| 40 months in prison followed by 36 months supervised release. | ||
| So he's going to do 41 months in prison. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Good behavior. | ||
| He's got three years. | ||
| Not for treason? | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| And he must pay $2,000 in restitution. | ||
| Back in the day, treason was hanging. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Hang him up. | ||
| What's fucked is, like, how many of those guys got talked into going into the White House? | ||
| And how many agents were telling people, get in there and take back what's yours? | ||
| Roy, Roy, what's that guy's name? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy. | ||
| Did anything ever happen with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| Nothing? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| He said he wasn't in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I'm trying to sneak drugs out of the plane, all my friends tell me it's fine. | |
| But didn't he not get in trouble? | ||
| Didn't he also not even... | ||
| Yeah, no, he didn't get trouble. | ||
| So they were like, no, he's not one of us, but also no charges? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I'm just saying, we gotta get in there. | ||
| And everyone was like, you're a fed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, there's videos of him the night before being like, we gotta get into that building. | ||
| And dudes that are like, alt-right dudes are like, no. | ||
| You're a fucking fed. | ||
| He's like, I'm not a fed. | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| Let's break in. | ||
| Alex Jones was out there with a bullhorn telling people not to go in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they hate him. | ||
| He was saying, it's a trick. | ||
| It's a trap. | ||
| They're trying to get you to go in there. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Don't go in there. | ||
| It's peculiar. | ||
| I think now that we've had a couple drinks, we should discuss it. | ||
| It is peculiar. | ||
| It is interesting, that's all. | ||
| Well, there's so many instances, like the Gretchen Whitmer thing. | ||
| Michigan, right? | ||
| Yeah, the governor of Michigan. | ||
| Oh, and like 11? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, all of them. | |
| 14 people, 12 of them were FBI informants. | ||
| They tricked two dumb guys. | ||
| Yeah, tricked two dumb guys who were going to jail forever. | ||
| 12 FBI informants tricked two dumb guys. | ||
| So guys can say, see, our politicians are under attack, we have to do something. | ||
| It's like, they never would have done anything. | ||
| You guys literally formed the idea. | ||
| You came up with the idea. | ||
| You instigated it. | ||
| You formed the plan. | ||
| They planned it all out. | ||
| We might have talked about this before. | ||
| There's a documentary. | ||
| It was on Amazon. | ||
| It was about these dudes in Miami. | ||
| There was like six black dudes that got roped in by an FBI informant. | ||
| They were trying to have a construction business, and the guy was like, he's an FBI informant, he gets 100k for everybody he fucking brings in. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was like, what if we, my uncle's Osama bin Laden, do you want to meet him? | ||
| They're from fucking Dade County. | ||
| They're like, yeah, I don't, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And then he's like, alright. | ||
| And they have hidden cameras, and they're interviewing just a dumb dude from Dade County, and they're like, what do you want to do? | ||
| What's your terrorist plan? | ||
| And the guy's like... | ||
| We're going to blow up Chicago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Liberty City 7. Wow. | ||
| So they went to jail? | ||
| I think they went to fucking Guantanamo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'd love to see Shane's Google search when he's drunk at home alone. | ||
| I've never heard of this one before. | ||
| This is preposterous, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Wow! | ||
| Haitian voodoo. | ||
| What is a syncretic view? | ||
| They missed Judaism, Christianity, and a little bit of Islam. | ||
| There was one of them that was like a black Israelite, kind of. | ||
| But so they just instigated these guys and talked to them into doing things like they do with everybody. | ||
| They instigated them and they were like, literally they were like, we have no idea what this is. | ||
| We're trying to get $100,000 from these dudes. | ||
| Crazy how many times people have done this. | ||
| Oh, there they are. | ||
| Yeah, they're just regular fucking dudes. | ||
| They just talked to them and said, we're going to blow up Chicago. | ||
| Yeah, he was like, 162 months in prison. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Did nothing. | ||
| They did nothing wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
12 months in prison. | |
| 35 years of supervised release. | ||
| With any members of Al Qaeda they know of. | ||
| The answer that is no. | ||
| Look at that case. | ||
| 162 months in prison followed by 35 years of supervised release. | ||
| Make sure no more terrorist attacks. | ||
| 35 years. | ||
| It's a check-in. | ||
| I'd like to meet Bin Laden. | ||
| You know, if he said, hey, you want to meet him, I'd go, I'd like to meet him. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Most of them would be out by now almost. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| They're all out. | ||
| Everyone except for him would be out. | ||
| They got fucked. | ||
| Where's their podcast? | ||
| If you watch the video, there's like, it's, they're dumb. | ||
| They're just dumb. | ||
| They just got talked into it. | ||
| And also, they're just young, unsophisticated, don't know what's going on, don't know they're getting roped into it. | ||
| And there's a dumb FBI informant. | ||
| The FBI informant's a fucking idiot. | ||
| He's just a dumb guy that's like, I get paid to get people captured. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| That's an incentive program. | ||
| There's an incentive. | ||
| Financial incentive. | ||
| There's an incentive to be like, we stopped the terrorist plot. | ||
| Meanwhile, it's fucking seven dudes from Miami that are morons that never would have done anything. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Question. | ||
| Did any of these men have actual contact with any members of Al-Qaeda that you know of? | ||
| The answer is no. | ||
| Question. | ||
| Did they have any means to carry out this plot? | ||
| I mean, did you find any explosive weapons, Attorney General? | ||
| You raise a good point. | ||
| We took action when we had enough evidence. | ||
| Question. | ||
| Was there anything against the Sears Tower other than this one apparent just kind of mention of the Sears Tower? | ||
| It doesn't look like they even took pictures of FBI, director of FBI. One of the individuals was familiar with the Sears Tower, had worked in Chicago, and was familiar with the tower. | ||
| But in terms of plans, it was more aspirational than operational. | ||
| He should have heard his plan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unbelievable. | |
| He was like, the Sears Tower. | ||
| They're like, that's the biggest building in the world. | ||
| He's like, exactly. | ||
| That was the whole plan. | ||
| It literally was like fucking... | ||
| It was like those kung fu instructors from the... | ||
| And he used like cups on the table. | ||
| He was like, we're gonna blow this part of the city up and then there's gonna be a tidal wave. | ||
| It's gonna fucking kill everybody. | ||
| And they were like, alright, we got them. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| A lot of big shows have been made of the militaristic boots they had. | ||
| It turns out the FBI bought them the boots. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yikes. | ||
| It was one of the biggest pieces of evidence. | ||
| The group might have taken pictures of a bunch of targets in South Florida, but the guys couldn't afford their own cameras, so the federal government bought them the cameras. | ||
| They couldn't afford their own cameras? | ||
| How are they going to blow up a building? | ||
| The federal government rented the cars that they needed to get downtown in order to take the pictures. | ||
| In addition, the men provided the FBI informant with a list of things they needed in order to blow up these buildings. | ||
| The FBI's like, can you do anything on your own? | ||
| But in the list, they didn't include any explosives or any materials which could be used to make explosives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So everyone in Liberty City is joking. | |
| Everyone in Liberty City was joking that the guys were going to kick down the FBI building with their new boots. | ||
| Aye, aye, aye. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| It's pretty sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is pretty sad. | ||
| Can't believe I have to piss again. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm still going strong. | ||
| Let's get that piss and then we'll wrap it up. | ||
| I haven't pissed yet. | ||
| We should wrap it up now. | ||
| It's 6 o'clock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You sure? | |
| Plus. | ||
| Plus. | ||
| Get something to eat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Plugs? | ||
| Plugs. | ||
| I haven't pissed. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Mark, man, congratulations. | ||
| I got the Beacon Theater March 24th. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Followed by an entire European tour at the end of April. | ||
| Glasgow, London, Manchester, then all through fucking Romania. | ||
| AriShafir.com. | ||
| AriShafir.com for all those tickets. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| Mark Norman, where you at? | ||
| Hey, I'm all over the road. | ||
| I don't know when this comes out. | ||
| Special guest Dan Soder. | ||
| Theater tour announcing this summer. | ||
| Going to Australia, UK. I'm coming to your town. | ||
| We're all over the place. | ||
| MarkNormanComedy.com, We Might Be Drunk, Get Bodega Cat, Tuesdays with Stories. | ||
| Damn, you got a good website. | ||
| That's a good website. | ||
| Oh, you like that? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| Stinks. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Hire his guy. | ||
| I'm in Jersey soon. | ||
| I'm really running through the mud. | ||
| Look at these rooms. | ||
| I'm really kicking my own ass here. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| You're going to the fucking cold places in the winter. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| She's getting hard reps for her special. | ||
| Bad people, dead inside. | ||
| Come on out, say hello, queef it up, praise Allah. | ||
| Shane Gillis? | ||
| Gillian Keeves is on Amazon. | ||
| We just got that up. | ||
| That's pretty neat. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| We're going to add some shows to this. | ||
| Yeah, your fucking website sucks, dude. | ||
| My website does suck. | ||
| Comparison to New Orleans. | ||
| Queen Elizabeth is great. | ||
| That's a good theater. | ||
| I don't know any of this. | ||
| Minneapolis. | ||
| Yeah, check them out. | ||
| Toronto. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go out to Canada, huh? | |
| Love it on Saturday. | ||
| It's a good place to get stabbed. | ||
| Oh, but me, Big J, Nick Mullen, and Tim Dillon are doing two shows. | ||
| We're doing one in the Giant Center in Hershey, PA, and then one of them's in South Carolina. | ||
| I forget where it is. | ||
| Greenville. | ||
| Greenville, maybe. | ||
| South Carolina. | ||
| Is it on your website? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| But it's coming. | ||
| Okay, when are you going to announce that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Instagram? | ||
| Shane Gillis? | ||
| Yeah, we've got to come up with a dumb name for it. | ||
| The Four Bottoms. | ||
| My name and my current tour is the Many People Believe that Tony Hinchcliffe is a Gay Tour. | ||
| Ah, now we're talking. | ||
| How many? | ||
| What's the number? | ||
| Many people? | ||
| It's just percentage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
78. That's it. | |
| Goodbye, everybody. | ||
| I don't think we need to do any editing on this one. | ||
| This episode was brought to you by Igloo Coolers. | ||
| Guys, if you've got to throw up in a cooler, choose Igloo. | ||
| It's the best coolers to hold in your vomit. | ||
| What about the Whip? | ||
| You want to shout out the Whip It brand? | ||
| Shout out Whippets. | ||
| If you look at Whippets, get N2O Cream Chargers. | ||
| The best, cleanest Whippets you can find in the market today. | ||
| It really says Whippet on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like, are they designed for Whippets? | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It calls it Whippet Cartridge. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Like, they're encouraging people to take Whippets. | ||
| Don't forget your crackers. | ||
| You can't call them that, or they won't serve you? | ||
| He's just like, no, we're not doing this. | ||
| At alleaterfree.com, get your genuine crackers. | ||
| You guys rule. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| Much love. |
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