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June 21, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:17:59
Joe Rogan Experience #1834 - Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand
Participants
Main voices
a
ari shaffir
22:18
j
joe rogan
01:33:06
m
mark normand
32:40
s
shane gillis
29:35
Appearances
Clips
a
andy stumpf
00:01
j
jamie vernon
00:07
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Speaker Time Text
unidentified
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day I might have to take a shit in the middle of this podcast Yeah, it's great, do a good chair We won't trash you while you're gone I might.
ari shaffir
Take a shit.
unidentified
Are we ready?
ari shaffir
Oh, that wasn't on?
mark normand
That was the opening, man.
unidentified
That was gold.
joe rogan
Were you recording when I said that?
unidentified
Yeah, but I don't know what camera was on.
joe rogan
That's fine.
That's fine.
I'm just telling you.
If I leave in the middle of the podcast, I'm like, oops, be right back, boys.
ari shaffir
I shard my pants in the pool yesterday.
joe rogan
I just want to let everybody know that I... Did you?
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
He sharded in the pool?
ari shaffir
No, right next to it.
mark normand
What?
ari shaffir
It was like...
And I just sat there.
joe rogan
Oh, no.
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
Where was this?
Hotel?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
In the Four Seasons?
joe rogan
Oh no, that's not a good place to shark.
mark normand
Actually, it was great.
joe rogan
That's a respectable establishment.
mark normand
You get back in the pool.
ari shaffir
I did not get back in the pool.
mark normand
He let it wash itself out.
joe rogan
He gave it a quick wipe.
mark normand
It's a giant bidet.
joe rogan
He gave it a quick wipe.
ari shaffir
I had that tight underwear that kept it all in.
The sheath underwear that kept it all in.
joe rogan
Is this number three or four?
Protect our parts.
mark normand
Four.
ari shaffir
Four?
Four.
joe rogan
Gentlemen, come on.
We're fucking rolling here.
We're rolling here.
mark normand
I'm dickless.
joe rogan
He used to problems.
Because they're coming.
unidentified
Oh, that's strong.
mark normand
Alright, I'm keeping track.
You guys always give me shit about not drinking enough.
shane gillis
You don't get fucked up at all on this, dude.
mark normand
This is one cup of buffalo drinks.
joe rogan
You've been partying with the Kreischer.
Yeah.
Both of you have been partying with the Kreischer.
shane gillis
No, he hasn't yet.
ari shaffir
He's about to go.
mark normand
I've done it in the past, but I'm going next week on the fully loaded.
joe rogan
I can't wait.
Your mustache seems like you're losing hair here.
shane gillis
It's the reverse hit.
Don't worry about it, dude.
That's how not racist I am.
mark normand
He hiles like this.
He goes down.
joe rogan
What is going on with this?
shane gillis
Did you do it on Paris?
Don't worry about this.
mark normand
It's very Asian.
It's like an old Asian guy.
joe rogan
Fu Manchu.
mark normand
You should be sitting on a box peeling something.
joe rogan
It's like John Wayne when he played Genghis Khan.
ari shaffir
Oh, that was great.
That's the closest they get to Asians, so like, eh.
joe rogan
I'll tell you what, I'm on a roll all the way to Beijing.
Have you ever seen John Wayne play Genghis Khan?
They didn't even try.
shane gillis
No.
He's just a white dude.
He's like, I'm Genghis Khan.
ari shaffir
Put some eye makeup on him a little.
mark normand
There's a couple.
Andy Rooney, was it?
He did the Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Oh, hello.
All that shit.
joe rogan
Oh, did he?
mark normand
Yeah, it was bad.
They didn't use Asians, so they just had Whitey do the voice.
joe rogan
What about the guy who played the detective?
That old school detective?
There was a white guy who played a Chinese detective.
Do you remember that one, Jamie?
What that was called?
Mickey Rooney.
unidentified
Wow!
mark normand
There he is!
Oh, Mickey Rooney, not Andy.
ari shaffir
Wow!
mark normand
Look at that.
That was the best picture.
joe rogan
Charlie Chan.
Do you guys remember Charlie Chan?
Charlie Chan was like in the 1950s, I think it was.
There was a guy who played like the smartest detective and it was a white guy who played, there it is, completely white guy who they fucked with his eyes and made him look Chinese.
mark normand
Whoa.
That's fucked up.
joe rogan
Yeah, they used to do that.
mark normand
But where are you at on the trans?
You can't play a trans person now, unless you're trans, which seems weird.
ari shaffir
You should get a fucking pass if you suck a dick.
joe rogan
That's all you gotta do?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
But a lot of trans women still have sex with women.
mark normand
That's true.
joe rogan
And they keep their dicks.
ari shaffir
They're lesbos.
joe rogan
Which I recommend you keep your dick.
mark normand
Yes!
joe rogan
You know, I've been paying attention to the operations.
I went down a rabbit hole.
Because I had a guest who had a friend who had an operation, and it was a disaster.
They transitioned, and then she started explaining to me all the issues that happened with it, including growing hair inside, because they tucked inside, and then you grow hair inside.
shane gillis
Oh boy.
Probably feels good.
joe rogan
I mean, I don't think so.
ari shaffir
And then what?
shane gillis
Oh, stubble.
joe rogan
Yeah, and then she turned me on to this video of this person talking about all the infections that they get because they've had the operation, the transition operation.
So they recommend, like she was recommending, like keep, you know, you can still be a woman, just keep your cock.
mark normand
Have you watched trans chick with dick porn?
Because it's pretty great.
joe rogan
Have I not watched it?
mark normand
It's pretty good because you get the dick and two women.
shane gillis
Yeah, but then you're kind of whacking off to somebody with a dick.
ari shaffir
Yeah, that's an issue.
joe rogan
But aren't you always?
If you're watching a guy fuck a girl?
mark normand
No, I'm not really.
joe rogan
It's the least gay of porn, because you got a girl.
mark normand
Exactly.
shane gillis
No, no.
ari shaffir
Same amount of tics.
joe rogan
Fucking a girl.
ari shaffir
Same amount of tics, added tits.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's double girls.
mark normand
Double tits.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's double girls.
shane gillis
I'm not judging, but then you're whacking off to a guy with a dick's tits.
mark normand
I'm okay with that.
shane gillis
That's fine.
joe rogan
But you're not.
Don't look at those.
shane gillis
Yeah, but then what's the point of enjoying that?
Look at the other tits.
It nullifies the argument of, oh, two tits.
mark normand
But wait, what if it's a fat guy?
Fucking a chick.
There's also double tits.
unidentified
Good point.
ari shaffir
It is annoying when they focus on the dude too much in a porn.
mark normand
That's how John Burnett died.
unidentified
Right.
ari shaffir
And you're like, get off that.
Go to the chick.
joe rogan
Like, why are you showing his face when he comes?
Like, ew.
mark normand
Oh, that's a buzzkill.
shane gillis
Yeah, they kind of got rid of that.
They kind of got rid of that.
unidentified
I hate that.
shane gillis
I don't know.
unidentified
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
That's so true.
What is that?
mark normand
Who made that choice in the director's cut?
joe rogan
Maybe the guy wants his time.
Maybe he's like a sitcom star.
Like, I'm not getting enough screen time.
mark normand
Yeah.
ari shaffir
It must be them.
Their production company.
joe rogan
Oh, that's probably it.
ari shaffir
I have the best cum face.
Everyone should know.
joe rogan
Because those are the people that made all the money.
It's like the people that produced it.
I used to have a guy in my neighborhood that lived right down the street from me during the golden days when they sold DVDs.
This guy was balling out of control.
He had a fat Mercedes, lived in a beautiful house, and he was making all this money.
But then, no, no, no, he was making his own.
He was a producer.
But then digital came along.
The internet came along and took the fucking legs out of that company.
That business went kaput.
I mean, the government bailed out all kinds of companies.
There was never a peep about bailing out the porn industry.
mark normand
Mmm, interesting.
joe rogan
Good.
But everybody's pretending.
Porn is a weird thing.
People pretend they don't watch it.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
But it's literally billions of people watching.
ari shaffir
The biggest company.
mark normand
Billions.
ari shaffir
The biggest industry.
mark normand
They show the views now.
shane gillis
My mom doesn't watch it.
mark normand
It's like 8 million, 9 million.
ari shaffir
Every video.
mark normand
Yeah.
ari shaffir
A 65 percenter gets 8 million.
mark normand
And you can share porn.
joe rogan
Yeah, like, look at the views on a YouTube video versus a YouPorn video.
mark normand
Pull them up!
joe rogan
They must be off the charts.
It's different.
Like, unless you're watching a Justin Bieber video, which gets giant numbers or, you know...
ari shaffir
Hundreds of millions?
joe rogan
Yeah, something like that.
But just for an average video, what are the odds?
I mean, what's the difference?
The difference must be gigantic.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
There's no, like, 10,000 view.
joe rogan
Right.
Exactly.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, there's a lot of, like, 2,000 videos.
ari shaffir
Did you ever get a porn and it just went up?
You're like, 250 views!
And as soon as you're done with it, 4 million.
unidentified
Right.
mark normand
But how do they make money?
It's all free!
joe rogan
I don't know.
mark normand
And there's millions and millions of videos.
joe rogan
Well, no, no, no.
I think porn websites probably make money by selling your data.
Oh!
ari shaffir
Maybe.
Premium subscriptions and selling your data.
joe rogan
Data is a thing that nobody saw coming, but it's one of the biggest commodities in the world.
mark normand
Huge.
joe rogan
Because they figured out a way.
Have you ever seen when you use a browser, like Brave Browser or something like that, and it shows you how many people are trying to track you that it blocks?
unidentified
I've never even heard of that.
mark normand
That's terrifying.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
ari shaffir
I do private browsers only now.
joe rogan
It's a good move.
ari shaffir
Brave is my favorite.
Every time you go to a kayak and try to look at prices, and then you go back a minute later, it's up.
Because they know you just searched, so you want this trip.
And you're like, come on.
joe rogan
Also, they curate your searches.
We found that out during the pandemic.
There's a doctor that died right after taking the jab.
I was trying to look up the story, what his deal was, did he have a previous heart condition, what happened.
I could not find it on Google.
I researched the guy's name on DuckDuckGo, instantly found it.
ari shaffir
Wow.
mark normand
Whoa, what does that mean?
joe rogan
They're hiding it.
They're hiding the data.
unidentified
Whoa.
joe rogan
They curate the search results.
That's 100% true.
They curate search results.
ari shaffir
And at least when they say the first one's like, ad, ad, ad, you're like, alright, at least you're saying the ad thing so I know what you're doing.
But then it's like, what they'll allow to be seen first.
mark normand
And they do it with Lyft and Uber.
You go to Lyft and you're like, oh, that's too much.
Let me check Uber.
And they know where you're going already.
ari shaffir
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
mark normand
Scary.
joe rogan
Yeah.
unidentified
Damn.
shane gillis
I didn't know they were doing all that.
mark normand
Oh, they're all in cahoots.
joe rogan
It's convenient in some ways.
It's convenient in some ways.
The ads represent the things that you're interested in.
mark normand
Sure.
joe rogan
So it's like, oh, I need those shoes.
Oh, perfect.
But in another way, it's like, how the fuck do you know I need those shoes?
ari shaffir
You know what I mean?
But it's also like, it doesn't allow you to be exposed to other kinds of shoes.
joe rogan
Right.
unidentified
So you can't broaden your horizons ever.
joe rogan
But it's more effective for the advertiser.
If you're selling, say, workout equipment, and there's a guy who's constantly looking up CrossFit classes, that's the guy you want to sell to, because he's the guy that's interested in that shit.
So it's very effective for the people that are advertising, but it's...
The problem is it's like they're selling your data.
They're making fucking untold billions of dollars and they're also influencing elections, influencing policy.
They're doing all this stuff with the money that they get from your data.
It's a very sneaky thing because nobody ever saw it coming.
We all thought, you know, you go Google something, oh, it's just a free way to find out what the answer to my question is.
But you didn't realize...
ari shaffir
Because it used to be that way.
joe rogan
Yeah.
You didn't realize that you are actually the commodity.
You're the thing that's valuable.
mark normand
Yeah, apparently Johnny Depp put a lot of dough into social media, and that helped everybody realize that Herd was a coos.
ari shaffir
Wow.
joe rogan
I don't think that's what happened.
mark normand
Oh, that's what I heard.
I donated.
joe rogan
Do you feel bad for Herd at all?
mark normand
Well, she lied.
joe rogan
She definitely lied.
ari shaffir
Yeah, I feel bad for anybody who gets in that.
It's like they're both losers out of it.
shane gillis
How did she get drawn into that?
Does she have to go to court?
She's being hot.
No, I mean, did she have to do that?
joe rogan
She had to.
He sued her.
He sued her for defamation.
mark normand
She said he hit her.
joe rogan
She wrote an article, which turned out she didn't write the article.
The ACLU wrote the article.
ari shaffir
What?
joe rogan
Yeah.
The ACLU ghost wrote the article in exchange for her donating money that she never gave them.
shane gillis
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
She pledged it.
Pledged.
ari shaffir
Pledge.
Pledge is not a promise.
mark normand
It's a cleaner.
joe rogan
Did you see that woman interviewing her after the fact?
She did an interview after the court was over, and it was even worse.
shane gillis
No, I didn't see it.
joe rogan
It was even worse.
What was the lady's name who went after her?
mark normand
Camille Vasquez?
joe rogan
No, no, no.
That's the lady who is the lawyer.
mark normand
I got a crush on her.
joe rogan
She's very hot.
mark normand
Hit me up, Camille.
shane gillis
I can't believe you know all this shit.
ari shaffir
Offset the hotness of Amber Heard.
What's that?
Offset the hotness of Amber Heard.
joe rogan
Right, but being hot and natural.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
And really smart.
mark normand
Yes.
joe rogan
Really smart and not taking any bullshit.
And we all want her to fall in love with Johnny, secretly, right?
mark normand
I think they got a thing.
joe rogan
So here it is.
What's the lady's name?
mark normand
Camille Vasquez.
joe rogan
Savannah Guthrie.
So Savannah Guthrie, you know, she wouldn't let her up the hook.
ari shaffir
It looks like he's punching her right now.
unidentified
She's about to thumb her butthole.
mark normand
Oh, she's good, too.
ari shaffir
Not bad.
Older chick.
joe rogan
But it's just like, I don't know what she was thinking taking this fucking interview.
ari shaffir
She wants to reclaim her.
She's saying, look how wrong the justice system is.
joe rogan
It didn't work at all.
It was the worst.
It made it worse.
ari shaffir
She's a good actress.
joe rogan
No.
ari shaffir
In the moment.
mark normand
No, she's not.
unidentified
She's not.
joe rogan
That's the problem.
mark normand
Crocodile tears.
joe rogan
She's really hot, but she's not a good actress.
She's just not.
mark normand
No.
ari shaffir
I have a saying about the Me Too movement.
It's believe all women, believe no actress.
mark normand
I like it.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
They're all just fucking...
Actress too.
They're all fucking crazy.
joe rogan
Well, there's some that are cool.
You know, they exist.
ari shaffir
You should have a grain of salt whenever they say something like that.
joe rogan
Chris Pratt's cool as fuck.
mark normand
Well, that's an actor.
shane gillis
Yeah, and they're trying to destroy him.
joe rogan
Scott Eastwood, cool as fuck.
Pratt's the man.
He's a great guy.
I mean, a great guy.
I've hung out with him.
Oh, really?
I've gone elk hunting with him.
mark normand
Whoa.
joe rogan
I hung out with him in Hawaii just randomly.
shane gillis
That's probably why they're trying to get him.
joe rogan
Ran into him in Hawaii.
Yeah, he's very Christian.
ari shaffir
Anything those people say publicly, though, you've got to be like, you're involved in your image.
It's like you can't trust anything.
mark normand
But the Christian thing...
They're like, he hates gays.
His religion hates gays.
But so does a lot of the Muslim stuff.
So why don't you go after them?
They don't like the gays.
And they throw the rock at the lady.
And, you know, there's all kinds of stuff going on.
shane gillis
Yeah, that's what you got.
mark normand
They throw the gay rock at the lady.
shane gillis
They hit them with rocks.
mark normand
I can't say that.
But I'm just saying, it's like, how come you don't get mad at everybody?
joe rogan
Well, it just exposes the weirdness of woke, because it's not consistent or logical.
It doesn't make any sense sometimes.
ari shaffir
Right.
It's just some team.
joe rogan
Well, yeah, it is.
It's also people that are cowards, and they're terrified of someone coming after them, so they want to be on the right side that's the most aggressive.
And the most aggressive side is the woke side.
mark normand
But will it flip?
joe rogan
It's flipping.
It's flipping already if you look at the elections.
I mean, there's places that were, like, historically Democrat that are going red now.
Because people are freaked out.
They're freaked out at schools.
They're freaked out about ideology.
They're freaked out about the workplace.
mark normand
Gas prices.
joe rogan
And also, like, look at what happened with SpaceX.
SpaceX just, a bunch of employees just organized to try to, they wanted to do something about Elon Musk, try to get Elon Musk to step down from SpaceX, literally something he found.
They were saying that he's damaging them by being on Twitter, and they were trying to get people to sign this petition.
ari shaffir
Are you crazy going after your boss publicly?
joe rogan
They fired the people, and they said that they were bullying people to try to get them to sign a petition that they didn't want to sign.
ari shaffir
Oh, right.
joe rogan
Which is what they do.
They scare people.
ari shaffir
You should sign this.
You should sign it.
joe rogan
Yeah, be on the right side of history.
They thought they could push him out.
What he's doing with Twitter is wrong.
ari shaffir
They were doing this, they protested Louie at some comedy club, all the local comics, and then when it was over, like, don't support this club, and then afterwards they signed up for spots at the club, and the owner was like, no.
You guys told people not to support my business.
mark normand
Yeah, get the fuck out of here.
It is bullying.
joe rogan
I mean, it's the same exact kind of feeling that the person gets when they're being attacked.
You just think you're justified in doing so.
mark normand
Right.
joe rogan
You know, you're not trying to have a dialogue or a discussion with someone.
You know, you're literally trying to attack their livelihood and you're trying to do it in this like really weird way.
ari shaffir
Can I tell you what I'm feeling?
I'm not interested in hearing from you.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
shane gillis
Yeah, can I defend myself a little?
joe rogan
Nope.
Shut the fuck up.
shane gillis
It's your time to shut up.
joe rogan
You're a white man with a reverse Hitler mustache drinking Bud Lights.
shane gillis
I'm not sure what could be more woke.
mark normand
Reverse Hitler.
shane gillis
Reverse Hitler mustache.
mark normand
You're going the other way.
ari shaffir
That was Milo's best moment, was when he told those girls, like, you can't talk, we're talking about women.
And then when they were like, we're talking about men right now, you need to shut up.
He gave them the go away.
It was like, damn!
They were so mad.
joe rogan
They shut that guy down, huh?
ari shaffir
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Interesting.
ari shaffir
Wouldn't let him speak, wouldn't let him be.
joe rogan
I mean, now, I mean, he's like Marjorie Taylor Greene's intern.
mark normand
No.
ari shaffir
Who's that?
joe rogan
Yes.
mark normand
That's hilarious.
shane gillis
She's fucking nuts.
joe rogan
She's cuckoo.
shane gillis
She's out of control.
joe rogan
She's QAnon nuts.
ari shaffir
Who is that?
joe rogan
Alex Jones told me he was partying with her.
They all went to dinner and had drinks.
He said she's wild.
mark normand
I believe it.
She does anal, no doubt about it.
joe rogan
She's wild, dude.
unidentified
You think so?
mark normand
Oh, she's a freak.
joe rogan
Ass to mouth, yes or no?
mark normand
Easily.
Jewish space laser right up the pooper.
shane gillis
What did you say?
joe rogan
Jewish space lasers?
shane gillis
Didn't she say the Jews had space lasers?
mark normand
She said that publicly, the Jews have space lasers.
shane gillis
I got some friends that succumbed to Q also.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
No, they don't.
shane gillis
Yeah, they believe Q. Now they're like, fuck.
mark normand
It is anti-pedophile, so they got that.
joe rogan
Did you see that documentary?
The HBO documentary?
ari shaffir
On QAnon?
joe rogan
Yeah, what is it?
Enter the Storm?
Marjorie Taylor Greene, space laser, and the age-old problem of blaming the Jews.
Oh my god.
mark normand
You never saw that?
joe rogan
No!
This was huge!
This is sick fucking math.
Why conspiracy theorists always end up pointing the finger at Jews.
ari shaffir
Because we're dominant.
joe rogan
Why that's a problem for the GOP. Explain this, Ari.
Why are Jews so goddamn smart?
You told me this once.
ari shaffir
Genetically.
joe rogan
No, but there's a thing about the disproportionate amount of Jews who've won Nobel Prizes.
It's really spectacular.
mark normand
Is that right?
joe rogan
European Jews.
ari shaffir
Our culture values education hard, and we're just like, look, we're not great athletes.
mark normand
But you've got to fire under your ass, too, because of what happened.
So you've got to make hay while the sun's not holocausting.
joe rogan
Yeah, but they were winning Nobel Prizes even before that.
shane gillis
Fire under your ass might not be the best way to describe what happened.
ari shaffir
Yeah, I don't know, because the Sephardic Jews aren't as successful.
They're not as smart.
They're still pretty smart, not as smart.
shane gillis
It is interesting that every conspiracy theory does end at Jews.
mark normand
At Jews.
shane gillis
Yeah, I wonder why that is.
joe rogan
The simple ones.
mark normand
They control the weather.
joe rogan
The really dopey ones.
ari shaffir
I wonder why that is.
joe rogan
Because they're too smart.
shane gillis
Maybe because that's where you guys are, dude.
joe rogan
Maybe you are back there.
But they're so smart, I think people get jealous.
mark normand
Yeah.
It validates.
joe rogan
They're evil.
Fucking Einstein, right?
ari shaffir
We stick to ourselves.
We do well.
joe rogan
Right?
I mean, think about how many European Jews.
I mean, they've actually done a study on it.
It's so preposterous when you look at the actual number of European Jews versus the general population of the world and the number of European Jews that have won Nobel Prize.
It's off the charts.
mark normand
They're killer.
shane gillis
No, yeah.
joe rogan
But meanwhile, the whites, the real whites, not like the whites like me, the real whites.
I'm a guinea.
I'm a weird white.
But those whites, like the Marjorie Taylor Greene whites, they always want to blame the Jews.
ari shaffir
What is that exactly?
joe rogan
Jealousy!
ari shaffir
I had Holtzman talking about it once.
joe rogan
Jealousy!
shane gillis
What are we talking about?
ari shaffir
On stage he goes, some Jewish lady who was in the audience goes, why do people hate the Jews?
She goes, I don't know.
unidentified
She goes, well, you'd think if everybody hated me, I'd ask a couple questions.
That's a good point.
shane gillis
It's true.
joe rogan
Oh, it's been so funny.
mark normand
But it's weird because you can't always tell who's a heeb, you know?
I mean, for you, it's obvious.
You're like a cartoon character.
shane gillis
You're crazy looking, dude.
joe rogan
You're like an R. Crumb cartoon.
mark normand
If you hate Asians, you hate black people, you can spot them.
With Jews, you've got to be like, what's your last name?
joe rogan
You ever see the R. Crumb cartoons about Jews?
unidentified
The Genesis?
mark normand
Oh, pull them up!
joe rogan
R. Crumb.
You know R. Crumb.
ari shaffir
Yeah, yeah.
He did a whole thing in the Bible.
joe rogan
Bro, R. Crumb, I watched his documentary.
They did a documentary on him in, like, 99, 98, somewhere like that.
And I've seen it before, but I watched it again the other day.
Holy shit was his stuff nuts.
He had some stuff about this family that, you know, stays together because they fuck.
And, like, in the cartoon, it's like the guy mouth-fucking his daughter.
ari shaffir
He went hard.
joe rogan
Oh, Jesus Christ.
shane gillis
Wait, who is this guy?
ari shaffir
R. Crumb is a cartoon.
shane gillis
No, I know.
Yeah, but what do I know him for?
ari shaffir
He did Genesis, but he was already famous when he decided to do the Bible.
But he has this big buxom figures.
shane gillis
Wait, what?
He did Genesis?
joe rogan
He's a very famous underground comic book guy who, back in the day, he dropped acid, and then all of a sudden he started doing these really weird, surrealist cartoons.
And the women all had giant legs and giant asses.
That's his thing.
And so a lot of women were really happy that he did this because he made them hot.
Because he was a superstar back in the 70s.
ari shaffir
He was on late night chalk shows.
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
Oh yeah, he's a really, really interesting guy.
Who would not stand...
He moved to France.
ari shaffir
The laid back...
joe rogan
He moved to France, but if he lived today, he would last for like five minutes before he'd be cancelled.
Look at how he's banging that girl and choking her.
mark normand
That's hot.
joe rogan
It's wild, but they're always giant women.
shane gillis
It's like Dan Portnoy.
joe rogan
They would always like watch.
He would carry them around on his back, or she would rather carry him around on her back.
He's a really weird guy.
mark normand
Ooh, N-word.
joe rogan
Yeah, there's a lot of that.
There's a lot of, oh my god, heavy racism and some of this stuff.
But he was mocking that racism, but if you just take it in, you know, see how he's like riding this girl's back?
That was his thing.
Like in the documentary, he actually has this big girl and he's like riding her back.
mark normand
He's ahead of his time.
He's doing thick.
joe rogan
See if you can find...
unidentified
Yeah, really.
mark normand
Thick women.
joe rogan
Thick with four C's.
shane gillis
Fucking doing good.
joe rogan
See if you find the one he did on the Jews.
Because he did this cartoon on the Jews, and that's what you look like, Ari.
unidentified
Oh.
mark normand
So he was published.
This wasn't like a backdoor thing.
joe rogan
He was huge.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Huge.
mark normand
Wow.
shane gillis
I would whack off to that back then.
mark normand
Sure.
shane gillis
Pre-internet.
ari shaffir
That's all we got.
unidentified
Oh, yeah.
shane gillis
I'd be whacking off to that.
mark normand
I was jerking off to Hoffer Teacher.
joe rogan
Got it made, got it made, got it made.
mark normand
That was a hot video.
unidentified
I'm hot for teacher.
shane gillis
That was a hot video.
joe rogan
What is that?
unidentified
I don't know.
joe rogan
He did one.
unidentified
He put it up.
ari shaffir
I don't know.
Seems like it was the right time.
mark normand
Hebe.
shane gillis
Holy shit.
Did he draw all these?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah.
shane gillis
Some of these aren't great.
joe rogan
Some of them, he's in trouble.
Some of them, if anybody ever dig...
shane gillis
Some of these are pretty fucking bad.
unidentified
See that?
joe rogan
The Get Whitey one over there?
That Get Whitey one, left-hand side?
Oh, yeah, yeah, that one too.
The right one, yeah.
See that one over there?
The far right?
Let's not even say anything.
Let's just keep moving.
Let's shut this screen off.
shane gillis
This isn't how I wanted to get started on this guy.
ari shaffir
It's too early.
This is our three situation.
shane gillis
You're not finishing those beers.
joe rogan
Are you really keeping up with Shane with beer?
No, I'm just drinking.
ari shaffir
I'm just drinking.
joe rogan
Oh, you're trying to keep up with him.
mark normand
I'm just drinking.
Atta baby.
joe rogan
You have three beers in ten minutes.
unidentified
No.
shane gillis
You're doing good.
You're doing good.
ari shaffir
Guys, can't a fucking grown adult drink?
I took six weeks off drinking?
shane gillis
I know.
ari shaffir
I'm trying to drink.
shane gillis
We won't be into the case.
joe rogan
I very admire, I very much admire your work ethic, the way you handled preparing for your special.
It was very impressive.
He didn't do anything.
I offered him weed.
He said nay.
He said nay to the weed.
mark normand
Wow, nay to the weed.
unidentified
Why?
ari shaffir
I drank some N.A.'s while I was here in Austin.
mark normand
Not alcohol!
ari shaffir
Doing a week at the creek.
shane gillis
That's all for show.
No, no.
mark normand
He did it.
joe rogan
No, he did it.
ari shaffir
I was trying to get my skin looking good for my special.
mark normand
It looks good.
unidentified
Is that what the idea was?
ari shaffir
Dude, I saw myself in a bathroom in Vail, and it was bad.
mark normand
That's booze.
It sits in you.
ari shaffir
Just flask it all day and drink it all night.
joe rogan
Not sleeping.
mark normand
The fat face, it's real.
With the booze.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah.
shane gillis
Puffed up.
joe rogan
Tell Bert.
Tell Bert.
Someone tell Bert.
mark normand
Speaking of which, can you throw over that BT? Yeah.
joe rogan
Woo, you're getting in.
shane gillis
There you go.
mark normand
Look at this kid.
joe rogan
No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't.
mark normand
Come on, I played Little League.
joe rogan
That's a JRE special bottle.
They made us a barrel.
Buffalo Trace made us a barrel.
Oh, nice.
mark normand
That's cool.
joe rogan
So we're drinking JRE Buffalo Trace and smoking JRE Foundation cigars.
ari shaffir
Those Foundation cigars are the shit.
joe rogan
They're fucking very good, right?
ari shaffir
We're taking a trip out there.
We got invited to go see the farms and stuff.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, Nick's awesome.
What they're doing over there is really cool.
When he made me a cigar, I was very skeptical.
I was like, you're making me a cigar?
ari shaffir
Oh, me too.
I thought it was a novelty cigar.
joe rogan
Yeah, but it's a damn good cigar.
I go right to him.
He knows his shit, you know?
Cigars are like wine or anything else.
Like Bobby.
ari shaffir
Bobby Kelly, yeah.
joe rogan
They really know their shit.
They really know.
shane gillis
I'm getting into cigars.
I struggle with them.
unidentified
They do.
I don't love them.
shane gillis
I don't love them.
mark normand
I'm working on it.
ari shaffir
It's a fun, just chill moment.
I took Reggie Conquest.
We were at Buffalo.
And I was like, let's get a cigar.
He's like, okay.
And I got him a nice smooth one.
And he goes, I thought this was like 200 bucks each.
I'm like, dude, it's $11 for a nice one.
joe rogan
There's some great cigars that are very reasonably priced.
shane gillis
No, I'm not worried about the price.
I always inhale it.
joe rogan
Cigars are great for men and they're great for women you can't trust.
mark normand
Monica Lewinsky.
ari shaffir
That's pretty good.
joe rogan
You know what I'm saying?
ari shaffir
T-shirt!
joe rogan
Women want to smoke cigars and hang out with the boys.
shane gillis
Yeah, that's a problem.
joe rogan
Yeah, I don't have any girlfriends.
Oh, you don't have any girlfriends?
shane gillis
Yeah, you don't like women?
ari shaffir
I'll make that for you.
shane gillis
That makes two of us, idiot.
joe rogan
Idiot.
mark normand
Idiot's funny.
unidentified
Somebody said that once, like, never trust a girl who doesn't have girlfriends.
shane gillis
That's true.
But the older they get, they lose all their friends.
joe rogan
Well, let's reverse that.
shane gillis
They really don't have friends.
joe rogan
But let's reverse that.
Never trust a man who doesn't have men friends.
mark normand
Totally.
ari shaffir
That's way worse.
mark normand
Way more.
unidentified
Way more.
shane gillis
That's either a gay guy or just a pervert.
joe rogan
Right.
mark normand
Yes, he's a white knight.
joe rogan
Because a woman could be friends with her husband or her boyfriend and just go out with her boyfriend or her husband's buddies, and that seems reasonable to me.
But a guy who only hangs out with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's girlfriends...
Get the fuck out of here.
You don't have any guy friends?
ari shaffir
I'd excuse it if you're trying to fuck them all.
But not if it's just about your friends.
joe rogan
If it's a long, slow game?
shane gillis
No, that's fucking crazy.
mark normand
You should have friends to go back to.
shane gillis
Anybody doing any long game is...
I'm out.
joe rogan
What?
shane gillis
I don't like it.
joe rogan
Long game works.
That's because you're a big, funny guy.
You're a big, tall, funny guy.
And there's a type of girl who goes for a guy like you.
mark normand
Yeah, it's fat chicks.
unidentified
LAUGHTER His girlfriend's very beautiful.
mark normand
Beautiful, cool lady.
shane gillis
I can't believe you said that about my lady, dude.
mark normand
She's beautiful.
joe rogan
He said she's beautiful.
shane gillis
Nah, that's fucked up, dude.
mark normand
I mean, great in bed.
What do you think she found out about your stuff?
shane gillis
Well, now I know you don't know her.
mark normand
Comedy, baby!
shane gillis
She's gonna be excited about that.
joe rogan
I like how you went with the little phone.
You're a fucking animal.
mark normand
I need a pocket.
That shit comes out of my pocket.
I can't get my thumb all the way up.
joe rogan
The iPhone mini?
mark normand
I love it.
joe rogan
This is the mini.
I'm jealous.
ari shaffir
Yeah, the 5 was the best size.
mark normand
That's all you need.
ari shaffir
And they finally went back to it.
mark normand
Exactly.
joe rogan
This thing disappears in my hand.
mark normand
That's perfect.
joe rogan
Look at how little that is.
So perfect.
mark normand
You've got a crazy gorilla monkey pox hand.
joe rogan
Fuck.
shane gillis
Look at that!
mark normand
You're gonna climb the Empire State.
joe rogan
They don't fit most of my body.
I think I didn't get enough food when I was small.
shane gillis
Yeah, you got fucked up proportions, dude.
mark normand
Can you wear gloves?
shane gillis
For real, you look like a gorilla up on stage.
joe rogan
Someone in my ancestor fucked a monkey.
mark normand
You're a silver hack.
He can't help himself!
shane gillis
He can't stop.
joe rogan
Get the man of Mastrami Rubin.
shane gillis
He has to say, he word associates and has to say.
So the other night we went out to Stubbs, last night, got barbecue.
The waitress goes, pardon my reach, and reached over and goes, Jack Reacher!
He says it, dude.
ari shaffir
It's crazy.
mark normand
I don't know what else to say.
I got nothing else to say.
shane gillis
You don't have to say anything.
joe rogan
I guess you're right.
shane gillis
He just has to say it.
mark normand
Reach around.
shane gillis
Chug that.
joe rogan
So tell me about...
He's already hammered.
So tell me about these fucking...
We got as many hours as we want, boss.
We don't have a boss.
unidentified
That's right.
ari shaffir
No bosses.
joe rogan
Tell me about...
We don't have any bosses.
We got through life.
ari shaffir
Me and Norm were talking about it last night at the fucking pool at the fucking nice hotel.
This is sweet, bro.
mark normand
What a life!
ari shaffir
This is sweet.
joe rogan
I had this conversation with my mom last night.
Because my mom was like, you work so hard.
And I go, I don't though, mom.
mark normand
It's a trick.
joe rogan
I'm like, I really don't.
Everything I do, I love doing.
ari shaffir
You got scheduling, but all you gotta do is show up and shoot the shit.
joe rogan
Yeah, but it's not hard.
ari shaffir
Sit in a nice hotel, talk to my friends, shit in my pants.
shane gillis
I can't believe I missed the shit.
mark normand
You left.
ari shaffir
It might have been right after I left.
I was sitting there.
shane gillis
How long did you guys stay?
mark normand
A good hour.
joe rogan
Oh, a good hour?
mark normand
We bonded, yeah.
shane gillis
Fuck, I missed the bonding?
mark normand
It was a hot bond.
ari shaffir
Hot bond.
mark normand
And a hot ass.
shane gillis
It was hot as shit out there.
ari shaffir
The Westbury bonds.
mark normand
It was funny.
joe rogan
Yeah!
shane gillis
Barry Bonds!
mark normand
Saving Bonds!
unidentified
Barry Bonds!
He's getting in on it!
mark normand
Now we're talking!
shane gillis
It's easy.
joe rogan
Look, nobody's better off the cuff with road association than Hinchcliffe.
Hinchcliffe is a fucking monster at that shit.
You'll see tonight when you guys do...
You're not doing it?
shane gillis
Nah, I'm not smoking.
ari shaffir
Can I just say, if everyone's in a circle and you're passing weed, people are like, no thanks.
Take it, hand it off.
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
You don't have to do it.
unidentified
Just hand it off.
joe rogan
You don't call attention to yourself.
ari shaffir
Did it right.
shane gillis
Yeah.
ari shaffir
It's the first weed I smoked in fucking...
joe rogan
How long?
ari shaffir
Five weeks?
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
That'll put you on the moon, too.
That's real.
unidentified
Do it!
shane gillis
And you promised you'd keep up with me on Bud Lights.
ari shaffir
What did you promise?
shane gillis
You said it.
You saw him issue it.
mark normand
I heard it.
shane gillis
He issued it.
I told him I'd give him $5,000 if he did.
joe rogan
It was basically a foc-po.
mark normand
Witness.
shane gillis
Five grand, dude.
You can do it.
joe rogan
Is it a bet?
mark normand
We got a bet going, boys.
shane gillis
My reward will be him trying.
ari shaffir
I said I couldn't do it.
shane gillis
I paid $5,000 to see you.
ari shaffir
I said if I could get to half as much of them, I would die.
joe rogan
But you gotta keep up with them tonight, too.
shane gillis
That's where it's the problem.
joe rogan
Yeah, you'll be ready to tap out.
ari shaffir
I'm already ready.
unidentified
I couldn't drink five cans of water.
ari shaffir
I don't know how we did it.
joe rogan
That's my point.
shane gillis
That's what this shit is.
mark normand
It's water.
shane gillis
You can drink a ton of it.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
If you drink a lot of it, you're gonna get fucked up.
joe rogan
What is the amount of alcohol in a Bud Light?
mark normand
It's low.
It's like 3.5.
ari shaffir
I think it's some.
joe rogan
Do you like the taste?
shane gillis
Yeah, I like it.
ari shaffir
It's fine.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's not bad.
Cold.
I like it cold.
ari shaffir
Ice cold.
joe rogan
Give me one of them.
I'll drink one of them.
unidentified
Yeah!
ari shaffir
It ain't no Chang.
mark normand
Nice!
Gorilla hands, catching that banana.
shane gillis
You see the focus on that?
mark normand
Oh yeah.
Well, you didn't play sports.
You were more of a fighter.
joe rogan
I played a little bit of baseball, and then leaving a baseball game is how I really got into martial arts.
ari shaffir
Leaving a baseball game?
joe rogan
Yeah, I know.
I was leaving Fenway Park.
No, leaving Fenway Park and I was walking.
ari shaffir
The fight broke out like usual?
joe rogan
No!
We were bored and it took too long to get on the tee because everybody was leaving, so the tee was crowded.
And so me and my friend Jimmy, we were like 14. And I walked up this street, and there was a karate school, a taekwondo school.
And I went up the stairs, and right when I was going up the stairs, there was this guy named John Lee.
Oh, yeah, get it, Jamie.
And he was a national champion.
He was training for the World Cup.
And I got to watch him prepare.
I just walked in as a bystander.
And I walked in at the peak of his training, at the top of his game, national champion.
I got to see what he could do.
I was like, holy fuck, I want to do that.
He was kicking his bag.
And I remember just being flabbergasted.
It's because of my love of baseball.
Baseball brought me into martial arts.
mark normand
Isn't that wild?
shane gillis
The leg kick does make you want to do it.
mark normand
It's a good look.
shane gillis
When any video you post, you fucking hit in the bag, I'm like, God damn.
ari shaffir
No, you've never seen a leg kick until you see him kick Eleanor in the butt.
She would do it, and he would go...
Who is Elinor Kerrigan?
It would make this sound.
joe rogan
That was more of a loud noise than an actual...
unidentified
She would just die laughing.
joe rogan
Elinor is so strong.
She'd grab me and do her pro wrestling shit.
Remember when we went to see her pro wrestle?
Were you with us?
unidentified
What?
mark normand
She wrestles?
joe rogan
She was a legit pro wrestler.
Easy rider.
unidentified
What?
ari shaffir
We went to Staples Center.
joe rogan
She was great.
mark normand
Wow.
unidentified
Holy shit.
That's exciting.
joe rogan
Her thing was like, she would be a motorcycle rider, she would crush a pool ball in her hand.
mark normand
That's hilarious.
ari shaffir
It was so much fun.
joe rogan
Because she's hilarious.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
She's hilarious.
mark normand
She's cool.
joe rogan
And, like, there she is!
What the fuck?
mark normand
Look at that!
joe rogan
That's hardcore Irish Philly jeans right there, ladies and gentlemen.
mark normand
Literally, jeans.
unidentified
Yeah, she was in jeans.
joe rogan
Yeah.
It was really fun.
unidentified
This is wild.
joe rogan
It was really fun.
mark normand
Good for her.
joe rogan
And she's fantastic on the mic, too.
She was great on the mic.
But we went to all see her live.
shane gillis
Damn, look at these lesbians.
ari shaffir
These girls go at it.
Yeah, Harley's Angels.
She was part of Harley's Angels.
I still got my shirt.
joe rogan
It was awesome.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
It was awesome.
shane gillis
Dude, I didn't...
mark normand
Oh, kick to the head!
That looked real.
Good for her.
joe rogan
You know who's also gotten into pro wrestling?
Ron Funches.
mark normand
No way.
joe rogan
Ron Funches did an actual pro wrestling match.
He had a singlet on.
It was on TV. The whole deal.
ari shaffir
That was his normal bathing suit.
joe rogan
Ron is a giant pro wrestling fan.
So for him, this is probably like a fucking dream come true for him.
Is he in this?
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
What?
ari shaffir
No way.
joe rogan
He came out of the robe and everything.
I mean, he was straight-faced.
He played it up.
The real deal.
ari shaffir
Hammed it.
mark normand
I love Blueberry.
joe rogan
Look at him!
mark normand
Look at him!
Good for Rob.
ari shaffir
No, he loves that shit.
He knows it.
joe rogan
He loves pro wrestling.
So for him, this is a giant deal, you know?
ari shaffir
Oh my gosh.
joe rogan
Hey, give the guy credit.
Give the guy credit for fucking going out there like that.
unidentified
He's the black pair.
ari shaffir
Who's his manager, the judge?
What is that?
jamie vernon
It looks like Paul Scheer, but I can't tell.
ari shaffir
Oh, it's not a judge.
It's a priest.
mark normand
Oh shit, they're squaring off.
ari shaffir
Dude, he trained for this.
joe rogan
Yeah, for sure.
unidentified
Goddamn.
joe rogan
Oh, that's a little gimme.
A little bit of a gimme there.
ari shaffir
Joe.
unidentified
That's what's good right there.
joe rogan
There you go.
shane gillis
Damn, he's probably so fucking tired.
mark normand
I always thought he was wrestling with his sexuality.
shane gillis
He's so tired.
joe rogan
He thought he was wrestling with his sexuality.
shane gillis
Good for him.
mark normand
Ron's the man.
shane gillis
That's funny.
mark normand
That's great.
joe rogan
Who else is it?
Well, Tony's a giant pro wrestling fan.
They actually offered Hinchcliffe a job of writing for the WWE, but he didn't want to do it because he'd have to move to Connecticut.
ari shaffir
Oh, right.
unidentified
That's good.
joe rogan
He was like, I can't do this.
I don't want to do this.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Also, he would have been on call.
He would have fucked with his comedy.
ari shaffir
Who's the more fun commissioner of any sports league?
Forget baseball, basketball.
It's either Vince McMahon or Dana White.
joe rogan
Both of them are right up there.
mark normand
But Dana White, he's more authentic.
shane gillis
You know who else owns all the other leagues?
mark normand
He has to be.
It's a real sport.
joe rogan
It's a real sport.
mark normand
You guys.
ari shaffir
Oh, yeah.
We're good.
shane gillis
You guys get to the top of the league.
The commissioners.
ari shaffir
Because we can't play.
You guys are busy playing.
We're busy running and taking profits.
shane gillis
Meet the Irish fucking guys.
unidentified
That's right.
ari shaffir
Enjoy the front lines.
shane gillis
We're out eating popcorn and drinking.
joe rogan
There was a lot of famous Jewish boxers in the beginning of the 20th century.
ari shaffir
Yeah, you guys used to be tough before Dominicans got into it.
mark normand
You had to be.
You were struggling.
unidentified
They were tough.
joe rogan
Jews were tough.
It was Jews, and then it was a lot of Irish and Italians, and a lot of black people, and then a lot of Puerto Rican people, and then a bunch of Cubans and Mexicans and all that stuff.
But in the early, early days of the 20th century, there was a lot of Jews.
ari shaffir
I liked when they said we were low class.
shane gillis
It's typically who has it worst at the time is doing the best at boxing.
joe rogan
Who needs it the most?
ari shaffir
I like the days of when Max Schmeling fought whoever.
It's not about any talent.
It's like, the black man could never beat the white man.
joe rogan
He's like, that's how they're breaking it down.
Schmeling was the Nazi boxer, but he was forced into that position.
Apparently Schmeling was a nice guy, and Hitler propped him up because he was a German, and he knocked out Joe Louis in their first encounter.
And then when Joe Louis destroyed Schmeling in the rematch, it was like a giant victory for America.
ari shaffir
Wow.
mark normand
Schmeling salts.
unidentified
Box it.
joe rogan
Help himself!
mark normand
That's the crazy thing about sports.
Like, the whole country was racist, black people were gross, whatever.
But watching Joe Louis fight this German motherfucker, you got behind him.
They all got behind the black guy.
joe rogan
I think Joe was standing on something.
The height difference was not like that.
I think Joe was on the scale, getting weighed in.
shane gillis
That crowd knocked him out?
joe rogan
Yeah, he knocked him out in the first fight.
shane gillis
Damn.
Superior race.
You don't see that too often.
joe rogan
Joe was young.
ari shaffir
He just knew.
joe rogan
Joe Lewis had some of the most perfect technique in the history of the heavyweight division.
The way he would throw a right hand, no telegraphing it at all.
He would just shoot it.
So just play the rematch.
shane gillis
That's pretty cool.
They're buddies when they're old there.
That's pretty nice.
Oh, there he is with Hitler.
unidentified
Whoa!
mark normand
Holy shit.
His favorite boxer.
ari shaffir
Hey, there he is with Adolf Hitler.
joe rogan
Isn't that crazy?
mark normand
Wow.
joe rogan
Look how crazy that is.
ari shaffir
Wow.
mark normand
You gotta win or they'll kill you, you know?
joe rogan
You guys ever see the video of Hitler at the 36 Olympics tweaking on meth?
unidentified
No!
It's amazing!
mark normand
Pull it up!
joe rogan
He's just sitting there like rocking back and forth, like barely keeping together.
shane gillis
Owens is flying, he's like, God damn it!
joe rogan
He's gacked out of his way.
And notorious meth user.
mark normand
Sure, they all were.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah.
shane gillis
That was like my favorite Bill Burr.
unidentified
You didn't know that?
ari shaffir
That was my favorite Burr bit.
He had a bit about Hitler?
shane gillis
Burr had a bit about Hitler, and then he's like, can you imagine getting in a limo with an even angrier Hitler after that race?
mark normand
Right.
shane gillis
Like after he sat there and watched Owens fucking torch him.
He puts down his foam finger, and he's like...
joe rogan
Look at him there, tweaking.
mark normand
Whoa!
joe rogan
Isn't that wild?
ari shaffir
Wow.
joe rogan
Damn.
ari shaffir
Because no one knew you had to hide it then.
joe rogan
They didn't even know what was going on.
They thought he was just really pumped up.
shane gillis
He was pumped up for the Olympics.
unidentified
Look how crazy that is.
mark normand
It's like Robin Williams before a gig.
joe rogan
Look how crazy that is.
unidentified
What?
He did meth a lot?
joe rogan
Oh yeah, he did a lot of meth.
ari shaffir
Is that why they were researching to make it like a perfect soldier?
Yes.
joe rogan
They realized that when people are on meth, they're fearless, they have crazy energy.
You probably know the story of Hitler confronting Mussolini.
Mussolini wanted to get out of the war, and Hitler was like, apparently he was so fatigued that he was at the point of exhaustion, and they shot him up with testosterone and meth.
And then he went straight to Mussolini and talked his fucking ear off for like five hours.
mark normand
We're gonna start a bar.
joe rogan
We're best friends.
shane gillis
I love you.
Mussolini's.
Mussolini's.
It sounds good.
mark normand
We're gonna do it.
unidentified
Fuck it.
mark normand
It's a pizza shop.
joe rogan
I got the idea.
mark normand
I made a blueprint.
unidentified
I love that.
joe rogan
And Mussolini was all in.
He's like, oh, okay.
shane gillis
I think that was Hitler's best friend.
I think he was like, Mussolini is the man.
mark normand
You're charming on coke.
shane gillis
I could be wrong.
joe rogan
Well, I think it was just, he just beat him to death with his voice.
I think that was the story.
I don't know what he's saying, because I don't speak German, but when you listen to him talk, when he's addressing those giant crowds, I was like, who was a better orator?
mark normand
America.
joe rogan
Trump.
But not even maybe.
shane gillis
Reagan, Trump.
joe rogan
But it's like, you can't do that kind anymore.
This is what I'm saying.
You can't do that angry.
No one will allow that.
shane gillis
Mussolini was nice.
El Duce, you ever see?
unidentified
It's okay.
shane gillis
He would talk, and then he would stop and go, Oh, let's see Mussolini then.
mark normand
Oh, pull him up.
I never watched.
unidentified
I think Hitler's probably better, so we'll watch Mussolini first.
joe rogan
And Hitler will be the closest.
shane gillis
You know who else is the best?
Fucking Churchill, dude.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah.
shane gillis
Churchill ruled.
Before we bring it up, Churchill, they had to bring him out of the fucking...
He was just drinking whiskey.
He was a fucking loser.
joe rogan
They literally have a cigar named after him, Churchill.
shane gillis
They brought him out of the bullpen.
They were like, you're the only dude in England that can talk shit.
At this level.
unidentified
Really?
shane gillis
It's incredible, dude.
mark normand
How was Mao?
ari shaffir
Was Mao any good?
shane gillis
He was good.
He drank a lot.
mark normand
He drank a lot.
joe rogan
But he would go hard.
He looked like he would go hard.
shane gillis
He had a schedule.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
shane gillis
It's like a, not Hunter S. Thompson type, but it's that type of thing where it's like, morning whiskey, I'll type something fucking after, like 9 a.m.
whiskey.
mark normand
Yep.
shane gillis
It's crazy.
mark normand
You know who else does that is Queen Elizabeth.
She has like a gin and tonic, then a gimlet, and then a, you know, like Four Loko or whatever, but she's She has a schedule with booze.
ari shaffir
She's dead.
joe rogan
Well, when you're that old, she didn't know.
ari shaffir
Early on.
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
She survived.
mark normand
You think it's a prop?
shane gillis
Replaced her?
joe rogan
Duncan thinks that the Biden that fell off the bike yesterday was a fake Biden.
shane gillis
That's a fucking young man, dude.
joe rogan
No.
You think it's a body double?
shane gillis
Did you see his fucking body?
mark normand
Pull it up.
joe rogan
Let's see.
shane gillis
He's got a nice bod.
joe rogan
Yeah, Biden has nice legs.
shane gillis
He has nice legs.
joe rogan
Don't hate.
I think you're hating.
shane gillis
I couldn't have been happier to watch that guy fall.
mark normand
That's how high gas prices are.
shane gillis
I'll be honest.
joe rogan
He is the gift that keeps giving.
If you're not a Biden fan...
ari shaffir
I haven't seen it yet.
Let's see it.
mark normand
It's fun.
shane gillis
Wait, you haven't seen this?
mark normand
That's him!
unidentified
Holy shit, dude.
joe rogan
I think that's him, dude.
Watch the video of him falling.
shane gillis
Yeah, it's definitely him.
joe rogan
It's the video of him falling.
He looks pretty toned.
shane gillis
It's so sad.
joe rogan
He says, I'm good.
ari shaffir
Wait, he's already wearing...
He's not wearing knee pads.
joe rogan
I think above it is the video.
That's it.
shane gillis
It's so sad.
mark normand
Should have had a knee pad.
ari shaffir
I hope it's just a wobble.
joe rogan
He didn't have any knee pads.
No, he goes down hard.
ari shaffir
Can I see?
What's a wobble story?
shane gillis
No, no wobble, dude.
joe rogan
He's got good legs.
ari shaffir
What does he hit, grass?
unidentified
Beautiful.
joe rogan
That's why I'm kind of amazed that he falls down so much, because if you look at his legs, they look pretty sturdy.
So he gets there and...
shane gillis
Oh, that'll fuck you up.
ari shaffir
No, we didn't see it!
unidentified
Fake.
mark normand
He couldn't stop.
joe rogan
Every time you fell, that many people would help you up.
There's plenty of other videos.
Look at that guy smiling because he got it.
unidentified
That guy was so happy.
joe rogan
You see the excitement in his thumbs?
shane gillis
No matter what, you see somebody fall off a bike, you're happy.
joe rogan
Yeah, come on.
But when they're that old, it becomes really funny.
Like if a 20-year-old guy falls like that, it's not as funny as a 79-year-old guy falling like that.
mark normand
The president.
shane gillis
The president coming up and being like, hey everybody.
joe rogan
Who falls more than him?
Because it used to be they used to joke around about Gerald Ford being clumsy.
mark normand
That's right.
joe rogan
That was the last guy that they talked about being a klutz.
ari shaffir
What do you mean, that's right?
mark normand
He fell a lot.
That was his thing.
Gerald Ford?
Yeah, he would fall walking up the Air Force One stairs.
unidentified
You don't know?
ari shaffir
No.
shane gillis
You didn't know that?
joe rogan
Well, here he goes.
Here he goes.
shane gillis
Stupid ass.
joe rogan
There he goes.
He's down.
mark normand
Oh, he couldn't stop.
ari shaffir
He was stopped.
What was that?
joe rogan
Well, his foot got stuck in the little fucking pedal thing, and he thought he was going to lean his weight on his right leg, but he had already tried to get his foot out of the pedal thing, and he already committed to going down.
shane gillis
He's like, here he goes.
I'm fine.
unidentified
He shook it up.
mark normand
It's hilarious.
joe rogan
He's talking to kids now.
unidentified
I'm fine.
By the way, who's he talking to?
shane gillis
He got up well, too.
ari shaffir
That's a hard fall.
joe rogan
I think he's talking to a young'un.
mark normand
He's all right.
shane gillis
He does love the young'uns.
mark normand
He does love the young'uns.
joe rogan
He'll smell them.
unidentified
He smells their hands.
ari shaffir
Is that Bob Saga behind him?
joe rogan
Bob's dead.
Shut up.
mark normand
It's funny, before it was like, did he get assassinated?
Oh no, it's Biden.
He just took a spill.
shane gillis
Yeah, Biden, it's such a, that'd be so funny to be like the PR people on that and be like, we're gonna get you, you're gonna be riding a bike.
Everybody's saying you're not spry.
mark normand
Right.
shane gillis
Here we go.
joe rogan
Speaking of assassinating.
ari shaffir
I was like, damn it, I'm fired.
joe rogan
Speaking of assassinating, you know, Hinckley just got out of jail.
mark normand
He's doing shows.
shane gillis
Hinckley's the goat, dude.
joe rogan
Well, he's doing shows, but the first venue that had him in Brooklyn, they canceled.
unidentified
I saw that.
joe rogan
Because they were getting so many death threats.
mark normand
I had tickets.
unidentified
Who?
ari shaffir
Old people?
shane gillis
I would see Hinckley.
unidentified
It'd be hilarious.
mark normand
He's a good musician.
His songs are pretty solid.
ari shaffir
Wait, what?
mark normand
Yeah, pull him up.
joe rogan
Alright, pull him up.
shane gillis
He had a lot of time.
mark normand
Hell yeah.
joe rogan
He had a lot of time to work.
shane gillis
No, Hinckley's good at singing?
mark normand
It's solid, yeah.
It's like singer-songwriter type stuff.
ari shaffir
You're not thinking about Manson?
joe rogan
No, no, no.
mark normand
Marilyn?
ari shaffir
No, Manson has good songs.
shane gillis
Here we go.
mark normand
Oh, really?
shane gillis
Here we go.
joe rogan
Let's get some.
Let's get some John Hinckley.
mark normand
He looks like Favre from Super Troopers.
unidentified
No way.
joe rogan
He's been in jail for 40 years.
unidentified
The shower, the mess hall.
ari shaffir
Alright dude, no lead up.
unidentified
Alright dude, let me hear what you got.
joe rogan
Cut to it.
mark normand
He's still on Spotify.
unidentified
You're in my dreams most every night.
You're still looking fine.
mark normand
Bob Dylan.
shane gillis
Yeah, he's got a lot of Bob Dylan influence.
ari shaffir
He's got 60s in him.
joe rogan
You can drug test his eyes.
shane gillis
Yeah, dude.
I guess that MKUltra worked.
They got him.
joe rogan
Do you think that's what they did?
mark normand
What is that?
joe rogan
Do you think he was like one of the Manchurian candidates?
That song sucks.
shane gillis
You know what's crazy?
That song was fucking crazy.
mark normand
I've never heard of it in my life.
joe rogan
Maybe it is a better one.
Can't We Get Along?
He's got a song called Can't We Get Along?
Oh please, play it.
ari shaffir
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
shane gillis
Shout out to Jodie Foster.
What up?
joe rogan
Jodie, I'm still here for you.
I don't believe in lesbians.
mark normand
Everybody's fighting here and there.
shane gillis
This is terrible.
joe rogan
Play the best Charles Manson song.
ari shaffir
Play the best Charles Manson song on Spotify.
mark normand
It's good.
unidentified
I think it's time we do.
Can't we get along all day long?
joe rogan
Starts with me and you.
That's like John Caparulo.
mark normand
Yes!
unidentified
Yeah, a little bit.
shane gillis
He's got the jam, so for real.
mark normand
Tell you, this is solid.
This is good folk.
shane gillis
Now that you know Tinkley, it's funny.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's not good.
mark normand
And he's going to get laid.
There's a woman who's into every kind of guy.
joe rogan
100%.
mark normand
And he's going to get laid.
joe rogan
The kind of guy who has the balls to shoot at Reagan.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
They should fuck him.
And hit him.
mark normand
I'd fuck him.
joe rogan
And outlive him.
And outlive him.
mark normand
Yeah!
ari shaffir
How many years did he get?
41. 41 years.
mark normand
That's not bad.
ari shaffir
How did they decide on that?
joe rogan
Okay, look at your game, girl.
Look at your game, girl!
unidentified
I hate your garbage, man!
shane gillis
Yeah, he rules.
ari shaffir
He rules.
mark normand
Free swastika.
joe rogan
Well, you know the whole story behind Manson.
Manson actually thought he was going to get a recording deal with Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.
They became tight.
I believe it's Brian Wilson.
shane gillis
Yeah, he was tight.
joe rogan
He knew music producers.
They think it had something to do...
I forget the details, but it had something to do with one of the murders.
He was threatening people.
ari shaffir
They were like, hey, man...
I know it's pre-cancer culture, but you can't be murdering a bunch of people.
joe rogan
This is not bad.
This is not that bad.
ari shaffir
No.
joe rogan
Let me hear more.
unidentified
Listen.
Living in that confusion.
Frustration and doubt.
Can you ever live without the game?
mark normand
Half the Holocaust.
shane gillis
Allegedly.
mark normand
Allegedly.
shane gillis
That's good.
ari shaffir
That's good 60s music.
mark normand
That's not bad.
It's very 60s.
ari shaffir
Listen to the whole album.
It's great.
I recommend it.
joe rogan
Okay, that's a wrap.
ari shaffir
I'll Spotify now.
joe rogan
That's a wrap.
That's not that good either.
shane gillis
When you hear about the MKUltra shit, it's wild.
joe rogan
Did you ever read Chaos?
shane gillis
I don't know enough about it.
No, I haven't.
joe rogan
You gotta read Chaos by Tom O'Neil.
He's actually Greg Fitzsimmons' next-door neighbor for like 20 fucking years.
It's a crazy story.
Fitzsimmons is the one who told me about the guy.
He said, hey, I got this neighbor.
He's been working on this Charles Manson book for 20 fucking years.
It's been his obsession.
It's ruined his life.
He had to give money back to publishers because he didn't finish the book because he developed so much material.
Because he got into it from the perspective of, like, it was an anniversary thing, the anniversary of the murders, and he was writing this book.
It's called Chaos.
I can't recommend it enough.
It's a fucking fantastic book.
And so as he's writing the book, he realizes, like, oh my god, the whole story...
It was originally an article, and then he turned it into a book.
But he's like, the whole story of Manson's wrong.
But what's really about is the CIA giving LSD to hippies.
And he was one of the guys they experimented with.
It was all part of the MKUltra experiments.
100% there was some fuckery involved in Manson because he kept getting out of jail easy.
And the sheriffs would all say the same thing.
It was above my pay grade.
They had to let him out.
So he was involved in murders.
He was involved in robbery.
All kinds of crazy shit.
They let him out of jail.
And they were just giving him acid?
Not only did they give him acid, they taught him how to use acid to manipulate people and convince them to commit murders.
The CIA trained Charles Manson, I think, allegedly, maybe not, maybe somebody who was a rogue agent in the CIA. This is not official government policy.
They would never allow this.
shane gillis
They're gonna get you.
joe rogan
Somebody did it.
shane gillis
Yeah, you're going to get it.
joe rogan
I think so.
shane gillis
I'm going to try.
Fuck, it's out.
joe rogan
It's out.
unidentified
Fuck.
shane gillis
They took that out.
joe rogan
No, we're going to keep that in.
Because the book is amazing.
I think it's the old CIA. I think the CIA back then in the 60s, during that MKUltra period, there were different animals.
shane gillis
Joe, how about Whitey Bulger?
joe rogan
Oh yeah!
That's FBI though.
That's FBI. No, no, no.
shane gillis
He was MKUltrad.
joe rogan
Really?
shane gillis
He was MKUltrad.
unidentified
What does that mean?
shane gillis
He was in Alcatraz and they were like, hey, this is for schizophrenia.
We're testing this drug.
We'll lessen your time if you do this.
joe rogan
I didn't know that.
shane gillis
He did.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
Juror who helped convict crime boss Whitey Bulger feels guilty after learning he was in MKUltra.
Holy shit.
Whitey Bulger wrote to a juror who convinced him that he would be dosed with LSD, monitored by a physician, and repeatedly asked leading questions like, would you ever kill anyone?
unidentified
No way.
shane gillis
Over 50 times.
mark normand
Wow.
joe rogan
You know who else?
High doses.
You know who else?
ari shaffir
What?
joe rogan
Ted Kaczynski.
ari shaffir
What?
mark normand
Ah, smart guy.
joe rogan
Ted Kaczynski was a part of the LSD studies at Harvard.
shane gillis
Yeah, shut it down.
unidentified
They tortured him.
joe rogan
They tortured him.
They did all kinds of wild shit to him and fucked with his head.
And he was an already broken man.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
There's a great documentary on Netflix about him.
mark normand
About Ruby Rose and all that.
joe rogan
Well, the Kaczynski one, it's all about the Unabomber, but it's like how fucked up his childhood was.
He had some kind of weird disease when he was a baby, and so they put him in this hospital where they didn't touch him at all for months.
unidentified
Wow!
ari shaffir
That's Nazi shit!
mark normand
Didn't touch him.
joe rogan
They didn't touch him at all because he had this, the parents weren't allowed to visit him, and when he came out of that...
ari shaffir
Oh, I thought that was an experiment.
joe rogan
His development...
No, no, they experimented on him later with LSD, but this was just a fact that he was just sick, and they took him to this hospital to take care of him, and when they did, they didn't allow his parents to visit him, and no one handled him.
So when he was a little fucking baby, no one was taking care of him.
All the emotional attachment to people, they literally created a sociopath.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because his brother is the one who turned him in.
His brother's a normal guy.
ari shaffir
That's what we did at Big J. We're MKUltra.
shane gillis
True.
No, you MKUltra'd him.
By the way, you ever see what happened to that cop in Oklahoma City?
mark normand
No.
The shooter?
shane gillis
No, this big fucking black dude.
He was like the first cop on the scene.
Boy, did they suicide that guy.
joe rogan
What are you talking about?
shane gillis
Who?
There's a cop that was like first on the scene at Oklahoma City that like...
joe rogan
Timothy McVeigh?
The bombing?
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But they...
they said it was a suicide.
joe rogan
Terrence Yeeke...
shane gillis
Don't look into that.
Don't look into that dude's autopsy.
joe rogan
...was the sergeant at Oklahoma City Police Department who was one of the first responders at the site of the Oklahoma City bombing, rescuing at least four people.
He died a year after his rescue service.
Yeeke was found to have committed suicide.
shane gillis
They found...
ari shaffir
Why not believe it?
shane gillis
Look up his autopsy if you can.
joe rogan
It's wild.
ari shaffir
What do you think?
A year later he was talking?
joe rogan
Well, just find an article that says he...
And don't find any that refutes it, please.
mark normand
So he was at the...
He was at the bombing and then...
shane gillis
He saw what really happened.
Apparently he got into the...
Apparently the first thing he said to his wife was like, they're not telling the story at all of what happened.
And then he got fucking...
joe rogan
Well, you know, there was multiple bombs allegedly removed from that building.
And when you look at the way the building blew up, this is like one of the granddaddies of conspiracy theories, is the Oklahoma City bombing.
There's more to the story.
Because if you look at the building itself, what does it say there, Jamie?
Okay, when you look at the building itself, they said it was a fertilizer bomb, which they do make.
They're real.
And that they parked this truck at the base of the building and blew it up.
But if you look at the building, the building's blown outward.
Like, it's blown out.
Now, I'm obviously not a fucking bomb expert, but I talked to one.
mark normand
You should see your act.
unidentified
He can't stop himself!
shane gillis
Keep going.
joe rogan
Need some levity.
It did need levity.
If you look at the images of the building, if you look at the images of...
You're a fucking animal.
You can't be stopped.
shane gillis
Jack Ranger.
mark normand
But I'm interested in the story.
I want to hear this.
joe rogan
Look at it.
Look how it's blown out.
Now imagine a truck at the base of the building causing all that damage and the way it's blown outward.
Now, it might be how a bomb would, if you had a fertilizer bomb at the bottom of the building, but what this guy was explaining to me, and again, I don't even remember his fucking name, but the guy was telling me, it was like, fertilizer bombs aren't that strong.
They're strong, they can kill a lot of people.
He goes, but they don't do that kind of damage to a structure.
This was his perspective.
He felt like there was more to the story.
shane gillis
I think there was stuff in there.
mark normand
There's always more.
shane gillis
I forget what it was.
joe rogan
Google bombs were removed from Oklahoma City building.
ari shaffir
Add juice to that.
joe rogan
Because there was a story.
shane gillis
You didn't want to see that autopsy.
joe rogan
We'll get to that too.
We'll get to the autopsy.
But there was a story in the news and on TV about they removed several bombs.
This is people that were at the scene right after it happened.
So before all the propaganda got into place, allegedly, tinfoil hat securely fastened, they had these guys saying that they were on television, that they were removing bombs from the building.
Unexploded bombs.
shane gillis
The news does fuck up.
joe rogan
Every now and then.
shane gillis
But why would they not cover that?
joe rogan
No, but they might have fucked up there.
That might not be true.
shane gillis
No, but it happens a lot, especially with a school shooting or something where they're like, we've heard there's a second shooter that was apprehended.
joe rogan
Exactly.
shane gillis
And then the conspiracy people latch onto that.
joe rogan
Exactly.
shane gillis
They'll be like, they said that.
Exactly.
ari shaffir
It was some fucking local fucking Fox local...
joe rogan
Well, that was a big thing with the 9-11 thing, with Tower 7. The way Tower 7 went down...
ari shaffir
What's Tower 7?
All I hear about is that for 20 years.
shane gillis
I'll be honest.
What you guys did to Tower 7 was a little out of pocket, dude.
mark normand
You guys were in the building.
shane gillis
That was brazen.
ari shaffir
We could've, and we did.
mark normand
I thought there were two towers.
shane gillis
That was brazen.
joe rogan
Tower 7 is a building that was near the Twin Towers and it went down.
It looks like a controlled demolition.
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
But if you look at the long version of the video, it's different.
See, the long version of the video, you see that it collapses in the center before it all collapses all around it.
The way they do a controlled demolition is they hit these bombs and they go off in order on all these floors.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!
And the building pancakes down.
mark normand
Like casinos.
joe rogan
What happened with September 11, when you look at the way Tower 7 falls, it falls just like in controlled demolition, but the inside of it collapses first, because there was these crazy fires inside the building, and it destroyed the structure from the inside, because there was diesel tanks in the basement, apparently.
ari shaffir
So what was that?
How did those go off?
joe rogan
From the heat from the other one?
It wasn't a go-off.
It was everything started collapsing, and when the top levels collapse, everything just goes down.
And the structure just fell apart.
But it all fell apart at the same time.
ari shaffir
From what?
Like, why did the first explosion happen?
shane gillis
Alright, stop playing, Dom.
joe rogan
Again.
shane gillis
You did it, you motherfucker.
mark normand
Your uncle was there.
joe rogan
I'm neither a bomb expert or a structure expert.
I don't know how to make structures.
ari shaffir
What did the Tower of Seven people say?
What's their excuse?
Why did that one go down when it wasn't hit by a plane?
joe rogan
I'm telling you the official story.
The official story is there was a lot of damage to the building, and then there was fires in the basement.
From what?
There was diesel.
From the fucking two giant buildings falling right next to it.
unidentified
Fucking 9-11, dude.
ari shaffir
Oh.
joe rogan
Plane planes should hit buildings.
ari shaffir
But they didn't hit this plane!
joe rogan
Two eyewitnesses inside the Murrah Building who attest that they observed bomb squad personnel removing undetonated explosive devices from the building after the initial blast.
But here's the thing.
If you're an eyewitness, and this is a problem, whenever anything happens, it's fucked.
And this is what I was saying about September 11 with Tower 7. Whenever anything happens, it's fucked, everybody's memory's a mess.
It's a mess.
You have no idea what's going on.
If you've seen a bunch of people die and a building collapsed, you hear explosions, you think Yeah.
You think that a guy fleeing his deli is a terrorist.
It's like no one knows exactly what they're feeling because it's such a novel event.
It's such an unusual event that never occurs.
That all of your senses are on fire and you're terrified and you're also shocked.
ari shaffir
Your memories aren't good.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
You can't trust them.
joe rogan
It's one of the worst times.
That's the problem with eyewitnesses after someone gets assaulted.
shane gillis
No, Jamie, it's important.
You read it.
You're like, yo, you need to read this.
joe rogan
So here is this.
This is the guy who was the first responder on the scene.
What was his name again?
unidentified
Yeeky.
shane gillis
Yeeky.
joe rogan
Very Yeeky.
This is Yeeky.
Okay, he ran back and forth into that concrete mass of bricks and mortar all day long, continued beyond exhaustion, far into the night.
He scraped and crawled and dug until his fingers bled and then kept digging some more.
On a cadre of heroes that day, Terry's performance was outstanding.
On May 11th, the following year, he was scheduled to receive the Medal of Valor from the Oklahoma City Police Department.
He never got it.
He was murdered.
Okay, why are they saying murdered?
shane gillis
They said suicide.
joe rogan
The official report said suicide, in quotes, in anyone who believes an ANFO bomb destroyed Murrah.
I don't know what that means.
Fertilizer, I guess.
Bomb destroyed Murrah and the other surrounding buildings will believe this according to the report Terry slashed himself 11 times on both forearms before cutting his own throat twice near the jugular vein then Apparently seeking even more private place to die He crawled another mile of rough terrain away from his car and climbed a fence before shooting himself in the head with a small caliber revolver
What appeared to be rope burns on his neck, handcuff bruises to his wrists, and muddy grass embedded in his slash runes strongly indicated that he has some sort of help in traversing this final distance.
ari shaffir
Was that corroborated or is this a Tripoli site?
This is like one of those like...
joe rogan
A Tripoli site!
mark normand
This is the original Jesse Smollett.
shane gillis
What is suicide?
joe rogan
Bro, it's riflewarrior.com.
It's the most prestigious establishment in all the internet.
shane gillis
Oh, you don't check Rifle Warrior?
joe rogan
Bro, Rifle Warriors is shit.
mark normand
Good coffee.
shane gillis
You don't check Rifle Warrior?
ari shaffir
Let's go full on, yeah.
unidentified
It's fair.
ari shaffir
What do they have to get in?
joe rogan
Look at this.
The bullet's entrance wound was in the right temple above the eye.
It went through the policeman's head and exited in the area of the left cheek near the bottom of the ear loop.
The trajectory was 40 to 45 degrees angle above his head.
There were no powder burns.
No weapon was ever reported as found at the scene, but independent investigation speculated that Yeeke shot himself with a standard police issue Glock 9mm or.357 Magnum.
His head would have been far more destroyed than he apparently was.
Oh, if he shot him with that.
ari shaffir
So he didn't shoot him with that.
joe rogan
So they think they might have shot him with like a.22.
Which makes sense.
ari shaffir
The mob!
shane gillis
Anyway, I don't know what that means at all, but boy did they kill that guy.
joe rogan
Look at this.
Although Yeeke incident occurred some 30 miles away in a different jurisdiction, the investigation was quickly taken over, taken out of the hands of the El Reno police and the Canadian County Sheriff, and turned over to the Oklahoma City Police Department and the FBI. No homicide investigation was ever conducted, and there was no autopsy.
shane gillis
Well, then what the fuck did we just look at?
mark normand
That's what I was just going to say.
jamie vernon
I was like, how did they get this then?
mark normand
But maybe they did one after the fact.
ari shaffir
Of course they did an autopsy.
joe rogan
Yeah.
jamie vernon
The police maybe didn't do an autopsy.
joe rogan
Yeah, what does that mean?
How did they not do an autopsy?
I don't know anything.
ari shaffir
Jews don't do autopsies.
mark normand
They don't?
unidentified
Nope.
joe rogan
What do you do when someone dies?
ari shaffir
You bury them.
shane gillis
You go, oh, God.
joe rogan
You don't have to do an autopsy.
ari shaffir
You do an autopsy.
Exactly.
You do an autopsy for criminal shit.
mark normand
What happens?
You touch dairy and meat?
Something like that?
You got to bury the plate.
ari shaffir
Or just implode?
mark normand
Yeah.
Yeekies are good shoes.
I got some of those.
ari shaffir
Yeezies?
Thank you.
joe rogan
Where'd you get those shorts, bro?
mark normand
These are chubbies.
They send me free shit.
These are Jurassic Park.
joe rogan
Dinosaurs on them.
shane gillis
It works for them.
joe rogan
Kind of fresh.
shane gillis
It works for them.
mark normand
I got decent thighs.
joe rogan
Dinosaurs and leaves.
Oh, yeah.
mark normand
Thank you, chubs.
I'll take anything free you send me, I'll wear it.
joe rogan
Don't say that.
I'm going to get everything.
mark normand
Bring on the BLM, FUBU, I'll wear it.
joe rogan
Remember FUBU? I do remember.
mark normand
For us, by us.
ari shaffir
It was big.
joe rogan
Where'd it go?
ari shaffir
It's not popular.
shane gillis
Probably you guys took it.
ari shaffir
Yeah, we probably invested in it.
joe rogan
There's some shit that gets so big that Ed Hardy's out.
mark normand
Right.
It gets so big it's cool to hate.
ari shaffir
It afflictions.
mark normand
Yeah, affliction was big.
shane gillis
That's exactly what happened to Dane Cook.
mark normand
Yeah.
Too big.
ari shaffir
Everybody cool and then he's like, I don't know.
joe rogan
Some other things.
mark normand
We'll leave it there.
joe rogan
Some other things.
mark normand
He's around.
ari shaffir
Where's the popularity weighing, though, on a thing?
It just goes to like, wow, what?
joe rogan
I think it's like it's overexposure.
shane gillis
Once you see people you fucking hate wearing it, you're like, oh, this sucks.
joe rogan
When a thing is so blatantly trendy.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
You remember the fucking trucker hats?
What was that company?
mark normand
Van Dutch.
joe rogan
Yes, Van Dutch.
Remember that?
They were gigantic.
Like, you weren't anybody if you didn't have a fucking Van Dutch hat on.
You had to have that trucker hat on and go to that premiere, and you looked like a fucking superhero.
ari shaffir
It looked cool.
They tapped into what people thought was cool for a minute.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
What was that?
mark normand
Remember Juicy on the Ass was big?
All that shit.
shane gillis
That was the beginning of the fat asses.
mark normand
That was a good time.
shane gillis
Juicy on the Ass was pretty fun.
joe rogan
I'm fine with that.
ari shaffir
Instrumental.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
It was instrumental, because I, you know, coming from a guy with a flat ass, a Hank Hill.
mark normand
Same.
shane gillis
I could never wear a Juicy.
mark normand
No.
Well, guys aren't wearing them.
ari shaffir
Girls are wearing them.
shane gillis
I know, but I'm thinking about the girls with the Hank Hills.
ari shaffir
Remember when you would see a guy out with a Juicy?
mark normand
What are you doing?
joe rogan
I don't think I ever saw a guy with the juicing.
ari shaffir
We've seen him.
Some people are like, I'll do it too.
shane gillis
Well, that's pretty funny.
joe rogan
Guys, give it a shot.
ari shaffir
They're not doing ironic.
shane gillis
It's funny to wear it.
You should get some juicy shorts.
mark normand
That would be a style change.
joe rogan
Here's a question.
Are guys still sagging?
ari shaffir
What's sagging?
joe rogan
Sagging their pants?
mark normand
No.
ari shaffir
Yeah, for sure, I've seen that.
shane gillis
Only the reels.
joe rogan
The reels.
Because a lot of white guys were trying to pull it off, and it was...
mark normand
I did it.
ari shaffir
Only the reels.
mark normand
I grew up in a tough black neighborhood, and I sagged.
And all these white guys would give me shit.
shane gillis
He's going to post that on Instagram.
joe rogan
What happens if you don't sag?
mark normand
You just wanted to fit in.
I feel like back in the day it was all about fitting in, not standing out, and now it's all about standing out.
ari shaffir
Standing out is the fitting in.
joe rogan
But standing out is the fitting in as well.
I guess so.
Yeah, you're becoming typically unique.
mark normand
I just wanted to get by and not get yelled at.
Yana says that great bit.
He's like, if I walk down the street and a bunch of guys called me a fag, he's like, I got off easy.
But now, that's like the biggest problem on the planet.
joe rogan
That's a good bit.
mark normand
So true.
joe rogan
So true.
Yeah, that's it?
You're just going to yell out an insult?
mark normand
Yeah.
I got off easy.
joe rogan
You don't have to go to the hospital?
mark normand
Right, right.
But isn't it amazing how fads change a body type?
joe rogan
Yeah.
mark normand
Like, you look at Paris Hilton in 2005. Bone thin.
Bone thin, no ass!
Just flat, and now you gotta have an ass.
joe rogan
That was for the ladies, though.
Because Kim Kardashian blew up bigger than her, and she had that big ass.
That's for the men.
mark normand
Totally.
joe rogan
But now it's for the ladies, too.
Now I think they understand.
It's like the grade is shift.
mark normand
Yes.
joe rogan
No one knew that people liked big asses until...
Who was it?
Was it J-Lo?
ari shaffir
Black guys.
joe rogan
Who brought it in?
They brought it in.
ari shaffir
Baby got back.
joe rogan
Yeah.
That was for sure a part of it.
But it's like, for a long time, women in the 70s, they didn't have asses.
No.
No one cared.
shane gillis
In the 90s.
Go watch a movie.
Actually, watch a movie.
What was her name?
Jessica Simpson?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
shane gillis
Remember?
She was like the hottest lady.
She did that fucking zero ass.
unidentified
Wow.
mark normand
It's all tits.
shane gillis
Dude, I just watched Jessica Simpson's fucking...
Dukes of Hazzard music video.
It's not as hot as you think.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Dukes of Hazzard music video?
shane gillis
She was Daisy Duke.
unidentified
What?
mark normand
In the remake.
shane gillis
In the movie.
joe rogan
Oh, Jesus.
mark normand
I jerked off to that.
shane gillis
Well, that's pretty nice.
ari shaffir
Shut up, dude.
shane gillis
That's great!
unidentified
Hold on.
joe rogan
Wait a minute.
That's not good enough for you, Shane?
shane gillis
Guys?
joe rogan
How many beers have you had?
shane gillis
Dang gummit.
joe rogan
Danggummit, what the fuck are you saying?
shane gillis
We're talking Dukes of Hazzard.
mark normand
Her sister's hot too, by the way.
ari shaffir
I'm sure.
shane gillis
Which one?
mark normand
Ashley, the lip sync queen.
joe rogan
Oh my god, remember that moment when the fucking lip sync went out of SNL? I was watching it live.
ari shaffir
Oh, and everyone's like, what?
This whole thing is fake?
mark normand
Oh yeah.
joe rogan
Do you think that a music engineer did that on purpose?
ari shaffir
No way.
unidentified
What a great move.
Very possibly.
joe rogan
What a great move that would be.
mark normand
Good troll.
joe rogan
What a great move that would be.
shane gillis
That'd be nice.
joe rogan
Fuck this bitch.
shane gillis
Just be like, you know this person sucks?
joe rogan
The industry, you know, maybe you're like, really an Elvis Costello fan or something.
ari shaffir
Or if she was a cunt to him or something, and then he's like, you know what?
I'm just gonna ruin it.
joe rogan
I don't know, let's hold it up.
shane gillis
Hold on, you'll see.
joe rogan
You don't think she's hot, right?
unidentified
You don't think she's hot.
shane gillis
No, I think she's incredibly hot.
joe rogan
That's not good enough for you.
shane gillis
Wait till you see the group and the dancers with her.
unidentified
That's not good enough for you.
joe rogan
I get it, Shane.
Willie Nelson's there.
Oh, dude, that's not good enough for you.
shane gillis
It's a little surprising.
ari shaffir
She's so fucking hot!
shane gillis
Oh my goodness, boys.
unidentified
Very hot.
joe rogan
Shane's not impressed.
unidentified
That don't impress me much.
You don't like that?
joe rogan
That's not good enough for you?
shane gillis
No, watch the girls with her.
Also, no one has an ass.
joe rogan
Just watch.
mark normand
It's crazy to think that back then they're like, I gotta get rid of my big ass.
joe rogan
Well, they didn't have big asses.
Some preposterous asses today.
mark normand
Even the black chick!
shane gillis
Thank you.
Wow.
ari shaffir
It's crazy.
shane gillis
Don't you guys feel differently than you did 20 seconds ago?
mark normand
I'm with you.
shane gillis
Hey, turns out Shane might have been right.
mark normand
Fun fact.
This shot in Baton Rouge when I was at LSU, and Johnny Knoxville would go to the bar every night.
I don't know if I should be saying this, but he would go to the bar every night and Clean up!
And he had chlamydia.
joe rogan
Don't tell anybody.
mark normand
Everybody in Baton Rouge got chlamydia.
Because he just ran it through.
joe rogan
Wow.
mark normand
Good times.
joe rogan
Is that one of those things you can't get twice?
mark normand
Oh, you can get it twice.
unidentified
You can get chlamydia twice.
joe rogan
It's not like a chicken pox party?
ari shaffir
That was the original COVID thing.
Like, uh, no, trust me, you can't get it twice.
joe rogan
Not one of those girls ever saw the bottom of a squat rack.
Not one of them.
None of them were underneath a squat rack.
No.
Girls today are different.
They're different, and it's not that long ago.
They all have muscles.
shane gillis
It's not that long ago.
mark normand
I like the muscle.
joe rogan
I like it.
shane gillis
A little bit of muscle.
I remember when I was in Philly, I lived near Drexel, and Matt had a fucking pass to go into Drexel's gym, and I would go in there and see there's young Asians working on their asses.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
And I tried to warn the populace.
I said, there's a wave of thick Asians headed our way.
And I don't think we're built for it, dude.
mark normand
Charlie's coming.
shane gillis
I don't think we would be able to survive this.
Because I'll strangle my girlfriend to death.
mark normand
I went to China and Asians will just squat to sit.
That's like how they relax.
unidentified
And shit.
mark normand
They just squat.
ari shaffir
And shit.
They go down there and they're like, eh, as long as I'm down here.
mark normand
But you see a guy just smoking, squatting on the sidewalk like this.
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, like a full squat.
Yeah.
Comfortable.
ari shaffir
Dude, women are hotter than they've ever been right now.
joe rogan
Can you squat lower than that comfortable?
No.
shane gillis
That's what they said then, though.
ari shaffir
They're hot.
joe rogan
Can you do that?
Is that comfortable?
mark normand
That's not bad.
joe rogan
That's not bad?
mark normand
I mean, give me five minutes.
joe rogan
That's like a general mobility test.
Whether or not you can go ass to grass.
Whether you can sit ass to heels on the ground.
shane gillis
Oh, fuck no.
mark normand
That's hot.
joe rogan
You can't do that?
shane gillis
No, my knees would be...
Banged up.
joe rogan
You, uh, were you pushing the sled out there?
Looks like your knees are alright.
shane gillis
They're alright.
joe rogan
I'm working on it.
Can you do it?
ari shaffir
Yeah, sure.
mark normand
Oh shit!
shane gillis
Ari's built like...
joe rogan
Well, Ari has long asses.
shane gillis
You're built like Gollum.
ari shaffir
Leave your knees forward, you're fine.
No matter how weak your knees are, just go further for the forward.
joe rogan
No, but some people, they just don't have the range of motion in their knees.
shane gillis
You're built like Gollum, dude.
You look like Gollum.
mark normand
Yeah!
shane gillis
Ew, you got an Audi?
ari shaffir
This is every fucking Chinese person.
mark normand
Good car.
joe rogan
That's not everyone.
Why do they do that with their shirt?
That's a thing, they roll their shirt off?
ari shaffir
Chinese bikini.
joe rogan
They do that?
ari shaffir
Yeah, Chinese bikini.
joe rogan
So in China they roll their shirts off?
shane gillis
Yeah, the bros do.
ari shaffir
I wasn't just making that up.
joe rogan
The bros do.
shane gillis
The dudes do and it's not gay at all.
What the fuck are you doing?
Fat dudes.
joe rogan
That's just a thing?
shane gillis
Fat dudes will walk around like that.
ari shaffir
I was taking my shirt off day one.
Ripped six.
Chinese bikini.
mark normand
I can see your C-section scar.
Chinese bikini?
That sounds like a sex move, a Chinese bikini.
joe rogan
How many of your stories did you put on specials from China?
Did you put any of those stories on specials?
ari shaffir
The Shit Scott story on This Not Happening?
I did...
shane gillis
Who could forget?
What?
What are you talking about?
ari shaffir
When I got back, I was not here.
We were just riffing, talking about it.
joe rogan
Yeah.
You have some amazing shit stories in China.
mark normand
Really?
ari shaffir
That guy made a video of it, a cartoon of it.
joe rogan
Oh, Polytoon.
Yeah, Polytoon's awesome.
mark normand
Love that guy.
unidentified
He's awesome.
joe rogan
Love that guy.
ari shaffir
He was like, how are the bathrooms?
And it's like, oh.
shane gillis
I was like, horrific.
mark normand
It's just a hole, right?
ari shaffir
Just a hole.
mark normand
So my brother was in the Peace Corps.
We went to visit him.
I'm talking village, Africa, huts, like, all in.
Everybody's, you know, beating women, and the women are just doing that cornmeal shit all day, and then there's a lady doing her hair.
It was crazy.
So I went to visit him.
Nightmare.
He did it for two years!
I don't know how he did it, but I was like, where's the bathroom?
And I'm wearing a full dashiki, the whole thing.
Because you gotta fit in.
shane gillis
You were trying to fit in.
unidentified
Yeah!
mark normand
I got AIDS. And I go to the bathroom, and it's a hole just in the ground, and I shit in it, and I nailed it perfectly, and right when my turd hit the water, roaches came out!
So you're in the most vulnerable position of your life, shitting, and then you're like, there's like 900 roaches coming out of the hole.
unidentified
Oh my god.
mark normand
Good times.
ari shaffir
Dude, I had food poisoning in Myanmar, had to go in all fours, barf into one of those holes, and then go back to fucking diarrhea-ing into it.
And then back, hands and knees.
mark normand
Damn.
joe rogan
Callan told me he was in China, and he was shitting into a hole, and he realized there was pigs underneath there.
shane gillis
That's probably a big victory for those pigs, though.
joe rogan
They eat the shit.
It's a cycle.
shane gillis
They're having fun.
joe rogan
They eat shit anyway.
They eat shit all the time.
shane gillis
True, and then we eat those pigs.
mark normand
And we eat ass.
joe rogan
Wild pigs eat cow shit all the time.
shane gillis
Really?
unidentified
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
They find them on farms.
They eat cow dung.
shane gillis
They eat everything.
ari shaffir
Why not?
joe rogan
They eat everything.
mark normand
It's all nature.
Cycle.
joe rogan
I mean, that is, listen, that's rats.
Rats eat a ton of shit.
andy stumpf
They eat a lot of dog shit.
joe rogan
Rats, uh, like, besides bio-aggression, they're one of the best dog shit cleaner-uppers.
mark normand
Interesting.
shane gillis
I got pissed so bad, bro.
mark normand
Already?
shane gillis
This is how it works, dude.
mark normand
Damn.
What a wuss.
joe rogan
It's that weak Jew bladder.
mark normand
Hold on, I had another thing.
Rats is another group that helps.
shane gillis
You know what's funny?
When he was telling that shit story, I was like, I know a guy who shit in Africa.
You started telling him, I was like, you're the guy!
mark normand
Oh, that was me?
I've told you that before?
shane gillis
Yeah.
That story fucked me up.
mark normand
I did a week there, I wanted to kill myself.
The mosquitoes, the The food and everything.
shane gillis
Dude, going with your family?
joe rogan
Did you have to take malaria medication?
mark normand
I did.
joe rogan
Yeah?
Did it protect you?
mark normand
Mosquitoes have killed more people on earth than any war or anything.
shane gillis
I'd be so mad if my brother was in the fucking Peace Corps and then my family was like, we're visiting him.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
I'd be like, dude, no we're not.
mark normand
I'm glad I went.
I mean, I was 20, so I was young enough to...
But we went to Morocco, Marrakesh, Fez.
We did the whole Africa and then we went there.
shane gillis
Morocco is not...
mark normand
It's beautiful.
shane gillis
The full Africa.
mark normand
No, no.
shane gillis
That's a nice...
I think it's probably as good as it gets.
mark normand
They don't have catalytic converters there, so there's just a fog like six feet in the air.
You just see this dirty air.
It's gross.
It just hovers above you.
shane gillis
Goddamn.
mark normand
And you couldn't drink the water.
joe rogan
I went to Mexico City.
Flying into Mexico City, it looked like there was a fire.
I took photos of it.
I put it on my Instagram.
I'm like, this is...
See if you can find it.
It's so crazy.
Like, this is a normal day.
I asked the people.
I'm like, this is a normal day?
They're like, this is a normal day.
mark normand
Whoa.
That's a major city, like a pretty cool city.
unidentified
It's giant.
joe rogan
They don't give a fuck about traffic lights.
mark normand
Oh, really?
joe rogan
They don't give a fuck.
That's just a suggestion.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
They don't care.
Red light, fuck it, I'm going.
mark normand
Damn.
joe rogan
I mean, every intersection was jammed up.
Look at that.
That's a photo I took.
shane gillis
Jesus.
mark normand
Yeah, it's pretty gray.
joe rogan
I said it's like LA on steroids.
What year is that?
How long ago was that?
396 weeks.
mark normand
Gee, that's a weird way to measure it.
unidentified
2014. Look at that smart motherfucker.
mark normand
Autism, baby.
joe rogan
Look at you.
shane gillis
No, it says it.
Yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Wild.
mark normand
Oh.
joe rogan
That's crazy that these people are breeding this in.
Not only that, but they're also at, I think it's 7,000 feet above sea level.
It's very high.
So you have low oxygen and you have high smog.
Really crazy.
It's probably one of the worst air quality places on Earth.
I had a headache.
From the moment I got there, I was like, whoa.
mark normand
Well, LA was bad, but they cleaned it up.
shane gillis
Yes.
joe rogan
That was in the 70s.
But that's unleaded gasoline versus leaded gasoline.
This is crazy.
When they first had these engines, and they were using gasoline, the engines were like ping, and they'd make all those, like, how do we stop this from happening?
They'd go, oh, we'll just put lead in the gasoline.
And then somewhere along the line, they'd go, hey, we did blood tests on people, and everyone's got lead poison.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Like, they figured out the leaded gasoline was fucking up everybody.
Didn't someone tell us this whole story on the podcast?
Or was this someone who talked to me off the podcast?
They might have.
I don't remember.
mark normand
You're 78. Don't you feel like things have changed?
You used to see a lot more retarded people, I feel like.
You used to see a lot more...
Now it's just all autism and ADD and stuff like that.
But I feel like you saw the kid with one foot longer than the other.
That's gone.
shane gillis
Oh, you mean real fucked up.
mark normand
It was like fucked up people.
shane gillis
I thought you meant like Down syndrome.
mark normand
There's that too.
shane gillis
They're kicking around.
mark normand
Really?
I feel like I used to see more.
ari shaffir
You see way less.
mark normand
You see way less.
shane gillis
Well, you know what?
Well, that's...
mark normand
I mean, if you follow the right accounts, you see more of them.
But I just feel like we've changed illnesses.
joe rogan
Well, we're going to get to the point within our lifetime where you can genetically engineer diseases away.
They're already starting to do that.
mark normand
Cancer!
joe rogan
They fixed it.
Yeah, well, in China, they've developed...
They figured out a way...
This is a funny one.
shane gillis
China's lying constantly.
joe rogan
That's why this is a funny one.
This is one where they engineered out HIV in these people, but made them way more intelligent in the process.
Whoops.
Sorry.
mark normand
Wait, what?
joe rogan
Yeah.
See if we can find that.
China keeps fibbing.
Yeah, they're doing some shit.
shane gillis
They're like, oh, COVID's done here?
joe rogan
They're doing some shit.
shane gillis
Remember that?
They did it like month seven.
They were like zero cases.
China has 0.0.
mark normand
Now it's back up.
joe rogan
How about the Uyghurs?
They just take the Muslims and bring them to some spot.
Nobody knows what the fuck is going on.
shane gillis
We're going to re-educate you.
joe rogan
Total media blackout.
Yeah, we're going to re-educate you.
shane gillis
You know what we did?
Yes.
You know what we did kind of skip over as far as how funny it was during COVID was trying to just netting dudes.
ari shaffir
Just netting them.
shane gillis
Dudes trying to run and get hit with a fucking net.
joe rogan
Look at this.
China's CRISPR twins may have had their brains inadvertently enhanced.
What?
Whoopsies.
Didn't mean to do that.
New research suggests that a controversial gene editing experiment to make children resistant to HIV may also have enhanced their ability to learn and form memories.
ari shaffir
I mean, that's great.
joe rogan
They did it on purpose.
unidentified
Damn!
joe rogan
And those, I believe, Google this, I believe those doctors were arrested.
Like, what are you doing?
I think they went to jail.
shane gillis
I mean, they were probably arrested and executed, and they were like, write that down, what you learned.
joe rogan
If memory serves me correct, which it doesn't always, but I think they let them out.
shane gillis
That's because you're not a CRISPR twin.
mark normand
That sounds like it.
ari shaffir
You can tell the guy who discovered COVID, right?
mark normand
Did they?
ari shaffir
Yeah, the guy who discovered COVID was like...
mark normand
Oh, really?
ari shaffir
They killed him?
shane gillis
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
The creator of the CRISPR babies has been released from a Chinese prison.
Ah!
Heijiangkui created the first gene-edited children.
Pretty good.
The price was his career and his freedom.
Or...
ari shaffir
When was he arrested?
How long did he even spend in jail?
joe rogan
He works for the government.
ari shaffir
Right.
mark normand
The CRISPR twins sounds like a group that sells more to me.
joe rogan
He was in jail for three years for making it superhuman.
mark normand
We were at the Funny Bone last week.
CRISPR Twins sold out.
shane gillis
CRISPR Twins, they're black MAGA guys.
unidentified
Shit rules.
mark normand
They're adding shows.
joe rogan
They're getting shadow banned on Instagram.
shane gillis
Shit's fucking great, though.
unidentified
CRISPR Twins.
mark normand
They're killing it.
unidentified
That would be it.
We're CRISPR. We're not black, but we're kind of CRISPR. BT. Buffalo choice.
mark normand
Hit me fatty.
shane gillis
There you go, Mark.
mark normand
I'm trying to show you, creeps.
shane gillis
Last time you had two sips made me look like a goddamn fool.
mark normand
Can I get another ball of ice?
joe rogan
Yeah, we can definitely get more ice.
Why did you decide to go hard this time?
mark normand
Well, I feel like you guys were saying, ah, I phoned it in, I phoned it in, so I wanted to show you that I'm going to shit blood.
shane gillis
You're doing great.
joe rogan
It's that autism.
shane gillis
And then you take a piss and you're back to 100%.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
Oh, the piss was great.
I wanted that for about an hour.
shane gillis
That piss feels so good.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Once you started talking about going to fucking crazy places, I was like, I can't go yet.
joe rogan
Well, I have a benefit in holding my piss in today because I'm dehydrated because I went into the sauna.
unidentified
Oh, shit.
joe rogan
So I'm probably good.
mark normand
Schwitz.
joe rogan
I'm probably good for a while.
ari shaffir
Why am I fancy Schwitz?
joe rogan
I could not fucking sleep last night.
I maybe got an hour sleep last night.
mark normand
Shut up.
shane gillis
No.
joe rogan
It's a fucking terrible story.
I had jock itch.
I've had it.
Not jock itch, but like crazy jock itch.
mark normand
It's a nightmare.
joe rogan
I'm like, I'm going to ignore this.
And then I started pinching the skin around my balls, pinching it.
It's like it scratched so much I wanted to claw at it, so instead I pinched my ball skin, and then I got up and I put defense soap, the salve on it, because I know what it is.
It's like foot fungus.
shane gillis
It's the exact same thing.
ari shaffir
I thought it was dryness.
joe rogan
Outside, all day yesterday, in the yard, I was shooting arrows, I was swimming in the pool, I had wet underwear, I wore them around, and I probably developed- Your paris were soaked.
I got a yeast infection.
mark normand
It happens.
That's what it is.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's a jock itch.
It's the same thing as a ringworm.
mark normand
Dude, I had it for a month, and the only thing that worked, I put cultures on there.
You always hear, like, hey, you gotta put yogurt on your dick, which didn't work.
joe rogan
Are you guys doing shotgun these?
Is that what you understand?
shane gillis
You gotta get a...
mark normand
Tough acting, ten acting.
shane gillis
Yeah, there's medicine.
mark normand
That's what it was.
joe rogan
Tough acting, ten acting.
mark normand
It worked.
It burned like a motherfucker.
I would run around the house like, ah!
ari shaffir
That's what that is.
mark normand
But it works.
shane gillis
Dude, the last, like, five summers...
I get it.
mark normand
It's a hell.
shane gillis
It stinks, dude.
joe rogan
Are you guys trying to shotgun?
shane gillis
Yeah, we'll shotgun one.
Here, let me take the shotgun one and then I'll piss.
ari shaffir
Go piss first.
shane gillis
You want a minute?
joe rogan
Yeah.
shane gillis
Gather yourself.
joe rogan
Prepare yourself.
mark normand
Shotgun.
Shotgun wedding.
joe rogan
But anyway, so this was like as I lay down, and I don't know why it kicked in when I was sleeping, because I never noticed it at all when I was walking around.
mark normand
That's when you feel it.
The itch is so bad.
joe rogan
My balls were, it was basically like a couple of inches above the taint.
mark normand
It was ruthless.
joe rogan
It was just the skin.
ari shaffir
You just kind of like squeeze it for a second.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah.
I was pinching my, it was, I wanted to claw my balls off.
mark normand
Yeah, same.
ari shaffir
I thought it was always you gotta just shower again and get whatever it is off.
shane gillis
Put some lotion on or something.
mark normand
No, that doesn't work.
joe rogan
I had been walking around all day.
We had Father's Day, Family Day, so we were hanging out in the pool, we were doing things outside, and then I shot arrows, and it was like 95 degrees out, and I kept the same underwear on, so it developed some funk down there.
mark normand
You get the wet panties, it's over.
joe rogan
So I put the salve on it, and after a while it went away.
But Jesus Christ, I wanted to claw myself.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
I couldn't sleep.
And then, I guess because of that agitated state, I started having crazy thoughts.
And then I'm like, well, don't think that.
And then I tried to go to sleep.
ari shaffir
Like what?
joe rogan
Oh, just wild apocalyptic shit about what would it take.
I was sitting in my bed going, what would it take for society to completely collapse?
And I was like, all it would take is the power going out.
Oh, yeah.
ari shaffir
Like how many days?
joe rogan
For a year.
ari shaffir
A year?
Yeah, we're fucked.
We're already in apocalypse.
mark normand
I was at a blackout in New York once, and within about two days, you could hear glass shattering, looting, babies crying.
It's so quick.
The structure of society, the fabric goes down.
It's just primal.
It's just like, I gotta survive.
I gotta eat.
joe rogan
Especially because they happen all the time in the summer.
mark normand
Yes!
joe rogan
The heat!
ari shaffir
Everybody's already out late at night.
How quick did you go during COVID to be like, I gotta get something to protect my house.
They're gonna come door to door.
mark normand
Gun sales went through the roof during COVID. Who, me?
ari shaffir
Yeah, did you go to that place?
joe rogan
Dude, I live in that place.
I'm in that place every day.
What the fuck are you talking about?
ari shaffir
As soon as they were like, we're shutting this city, that's hilarious.
joe rogan
I was the first guy to move out of LA. I was like, I'm done.
I was like, this is not sustainable.
I go, I know where this goes.
mark normand
Look at Bill Burr.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
If you just play it down the rabbit hole, immediately like, well, if they're out of food, they need food, oh, at some point they're just going to use force.
joe rogan
It's not even a food thing, man.
ari shaffir
They're going to come to my door for groceries.
joe rogan
Lack of law.
It didn't get to food.
Food was available.
It was a lack of law.
mark normand
Yes.
joe rogan
And people had, like, during the George Floyd protests, when people walked on the streets just smashing windows, going into people's houses, it was wild.
mark normand
Wild.
joe rogan
Wild.
What were you saying about Bill?
mark normand
Well, he just got a helicopter license for that reason.
He's like, I'm up, I'm out.
That's all that is.
unidentified
Right.
ari shaffir
Take off.
joe rogan
You gotta understand that this whole thing is like fucking barely glued together with chewing gum.
mark normand
I know.
joe rogan
So I was thinking about that last night.
Which is a problem.
unidentified
Wow, yeah.
ari shaffir
Because you can go to that place.
If one thing happens, it just goes down from there.
joe rogan
It was Father's Day, so I had a couple of margaritas.
And my balls itched.
And then I'm just laying there.
ari shaffir
That's what's on me.
mark normand
I take sleeping pills, man.
I can't sleep.
I'm embarrassed that I take sleeping pills.
joe rogan
Generally, I can jerk off, and then I can go to sleep.
But this time, I couldn't pull it off.
I jerked off, but I couldn't pull off going to sleep.
mark normand
Caitlyn Jenner pulled it off.
joe rogan
Wah, wah, wah.
I think she had help.
mark normand
It's funny, we turned on her.
Like, she was cool, and then they're like, ah, you're a Republican, so we hate you also.
joe rogan
Wild, right?
ari shaffir
It was, yeah, she could do no wrong.
mark normand
Yep.
ari shaffir
Just for being her.
mark normand
But that shows politics Trump's identity.
joe rogan
I was gonna tell you another conspiracy theory.
What were we talking about?
What were we talking about right before this?
I was gonna save it for when Shane came back.
A really recent one.
mark normand
Balls itching.
ari shaffir
Balls itching.
mark normand
Shooting arrows.
shane gillis
Before that.
mark normand
Queefs.
Nick Cannon.
shane gillis
Nick Cannon.
mark normand
He's got a lot of kids.
joe rogan
He's got a lot of kids.
shane gillis
They tried to shut him down, dude.
mark normand
He's too powerful.
Jew jokes.
joe rogan
Oh, this is what it is.
unidentified
Yay!
joe rogan
We got it back!
This is what it is.
The terrorist attack you've never heard of.
A bunch of guys in 2013 broke into where this power plant is, I guess.
I'll pull it up.
Jamie knows it.
So it just came out where people...
I forget who brought it up to me, but then I started reading on it.
This is wild.
These guys had a tactical attack on these generators.
They came in and, with guns, took out like seven multi-million dollar generators and did it in a way where they knew what the fuck they were doing.
They all had masks.
Tactical gear.
Here it is.
April 16, 2013, a team of highly skilled gunmen opened fire on the Metcalf Power substation in San Jose, California.
In just under 10 minutes, they disabled 17 Transformers and caused $15 million in damage.
This is the most important terror attack you've never heard of.
mark normand
What's the motive there?
unidentified
What's their goal?
joe rogan
Nobody knows.
No one was ever arrested.
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
Yes.
What was this?
unidentified
I just found out about this like a week ago.
joe rogan
Whoa.
When is this thread?
When did this come out?
mark normand
2013. The thread was June 6th.
joe rogan
Okay.
shane gillis
Snipers?
joe rogan
Two weeks ago, I found out.
mark normand
I sent it to you.
joe rogan
Yeah.
You sent it to me?
unidentified
Yep.
joe rogan
Okay.
Did someone talk about it on the podcast?
unidentified
No, I was talking to you about it here before the show.
Oh, that's right.
mark normand
That's right.
shane gillis
What?
Yo, Jamie's down, by the way.
joe rogan
This is wild.
unidentified
Look at this.
shane gillis
Yo, Jamie's based.
joe rogan
So look at this.
1258 a.m.
Fiber optic lines were cut not far from U.S. Route 101 outside of San Jose.
The substation loses internet and phone service.
107 a.m.
Some customers lost service cable in vault near the Metcalfe substation was also cut a surveillance camera pointed along a chain-link fence around the substation recorded a streak of light that Investigators from the Santa Clara County Sheriff's Office think was a signal from a waved flashlight It was followed by a muzzle flash of rifles.
So they gave him the signal and Fire away.
This is organized shit.
PG&E received an alarm.
ari shaffir
Wait, go back to the video.
Let me see the video again.
Now that I know what it's talking about.
mark normand
Good for them.
This is impressive.
ari shaffir
So the flashlight's there, and then they open fire.
shane gillis
These are feds, bro.
mark normand
Ah.
joe rogan
Yeah.
And then they just shoot at these Transformers.
shane gillis
What is the goal?
mark normand
What is the motive?
They've got to have a reason to do this.
joe rogan
The first transfer, no one knows, riddled with bullet holes and having leaked 52,000 U.S. gallons of oil, overheated whereupon PG&E's control center about 90 miles ago north received an equipment failure alarm.
ari shaffir
Is this why gas is so high?
joe rogan
No.
No, it's because of Russia.
It's the Putin price hike, you fucking communist.
shane gillis
Yeah, it's definitely Putin.
joe rogan
Putin price hike.
mark normand
Obviously.
joe rogan
Remember they were trying that for a few days?
Biden said that with all capital letters.
The Putin price hike.
But they were saying it like it was, you know...
mark normand
100%.
joe rogan
Officers arrived and found everything quiet, unable to get past the locked fence, and seeing nothing suspicious, they left.
Let's see this guy's account.
ari shaffir
Who's woman did this?
Let's look into him.
joe rogan
The person, Will Miranda?
unidentified
Let's see who this guy is.
shane gillis
You want to fact check now?
unidentified
Let's see if he's a new account.
joe rogan
That's very smart, actually.
Look, only 30,000 followers.
New York City.
Since when?
ari shaffir
September 2016. Four years ago, it was pretty late.
joe rogan
They could have had him in a dormant state, waiting to activate him.
mark normand
I like Will.
shane gillis
It seems alright.
unidentified
Let's go.
joe rogan
Is there other corroborations?
unidentified
About the story?
mark normand
I'm not good at shotgunning.
joe rogan
About the story.
unidentified
We could look that up.
jamie vernon
Some of these links are...
mark normand
To us!
unidentified
You gotta do them.
joe rogan
So how do you do this?
You stab the bottom and then you crack the top.
unidentified
I don't know how to do it.
ari shaffir
I just give it to somebody who grew up that way.
joe rogan
You put a hole.
Do you put a hole in the top?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Okay.
mark normand
Here we go, folks.
ari shaffir
Do the game.
joe rogan
That's a very nice knife.
Don't fuck it up.
mark normand
Perfect squirter.
That knife's ruined.
joe rogan
Hey, you ruined my knife.
ari shaffir
And that's it?
joe rogan
Don't we have a cheap knife?
ari shaffir
Oh, you go like this?
mark normand
Get a cheap knife.
unidentified
Use this one, use this one.
ari shaffir
Do you do this down?
mark normand
I got one.
shane gillis
It can cut through ten, bro.
ari shaffir
What did you say you drew what down?
Wait, what did you say you drew what down?
You said do this down?
shane gillis
Well, keep the...
ari shaffir
Okay.
Oh, right, right, right.
So you can shotgun.
joe rogan
Okay.
ari shaffir
So just do it.
joe rogan
So you punch to the top.
We did this before, right?
ari shaffir
I know, but he didn't at all.
mark normand
I know women feel.
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
Oh, nice.
mark normand
Oh, jeez, man.
shane gillis
Wait, wait, wait.
unidentified
Don't open it.
Did you open it?
shane gillis
By the way, you drink out of the hole.
mark normand
Drink out of the hole.
joe rogan
Oh, you drink out of the hole.
shane gillis
Wait, you're too high.
You've got to get the bottom.
joe rogan
I'll figure it out.
ari shaffir
Go, Mark.
mark normand
Like here.
ari shaffir
Mark.
joe rogan
Good, good, good.
Get it.
shane gillis
And then you crack it, and you finish it.
mark normand
You drink it out of the hole.
shane gillis
Out of the hole.
mark normand
I'll have to do them in a minute.
joe rogan
One, two, three, go.
unidentified
Oh, that sounded a little heavy.
Oh my god.
shane gillis
Jamie.
joe rogan
Just checking.
Fantastic.
shane gillis
How dare you?
ari shaffir
How dare you?
shane gillis
Yeah, we're gonna need more beer, Jamie.
Jamie's got a shotgun one.
joe rogan
Can we get a camera on you?
Hey, before you do this, don't ruin all of our equipment.
unidentified
Holy shit.
shane gillis
It's for the troops, Jamie.
mark normand
It squirts.
shane gillis
In the trash can.
joe rogan
Do it for the queen.
mark normand
Do it for Al-Qaeda.
joe rogan
Jamie, do it on camera so we can see.
mark normand
You want the tomahawk?
joe rogan
We're all looking.
mark normand
No, at the buttons.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't know what camera I left it on.
joe rogan
Don't let Ari push buttons.
mark normand
Damn, that'll wake you up.
joe rogan
Why don't you go figure out what camera is on?
The right one.
Can you see them?
shane gillis
Perfect, of course you need.
mark normand
Okay, ready?
joe rogan
Go.
mark normand
Yeah, J-Mo!
Pull it up!
That a baby!
Wow!
He sucked that shit!
shane gillis
I told you he was bass!
unidentified
Woo!
mark normand
Holy shit!
joe rogan
I told you he was bass!
shane gillis
Yo!
Eddie's jacked as fuck!
joe rogan
This podcast is over!
Jamie's in shape, bro!
We got a gym here!
Look at that!
Look at the guns, kid!
shane gillis
You look hot!
mark normand
You're gonna fuck Red Band!
shane gillis
You're going to titty fuck Redman.
joe rogan
Tonight, kill Tony.
shane gillis
Tonight, that's going to be a rough one.
You're not doing it?
mark normand
That's going to get ugly.
shane gillis
We're doing it.
joe rogan
I'm irresponsible, I'll probably do it.
shane gillis
Yeah!
It'll be a bad choice for all of us.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Oh, it fills you up.
mark normand
That woke me up.
unidentified
That's how fun.
joe rogan
Hey boys, boys.
ari shaffir
It's like you want to barf and then you don't.
joe rogan
We're on the job.
unidentified
Yeah!
joe rogan
This is our job.
Come on.
mark normand
We need a beer bong next time.
joe rogan
Remember when you were a kid?
Remember when you were a kid?
And you're like, well, what kind of fucking job am I going to have?
shane gillis
Who would have guessed?
mark normand
UPS driver was my future.
ari shaffir
Yeah, can you get a peg in here?
joe rogan
Damn, you would have been nuts.
shane gillis
Packages!
unidentified
Hey!
joe rogan
Imagine if someone told you.
mark normand
No door in the car.
joe rogan
Imagine if someone told you.
If they're like, Shane, you've got to keep fucking up.
Whatever you do.
Keep fucking up.
mark normand
I was kicked out of school, suspended, expelled, and who knew it would work out.
joe rogan
If they were like, Shane, listen, you...
shane gillis
Those guys at West Point, they're like, if you drop out of West Point now, you're going to be a fucking loser.
mark normand
Exactly.
shane gillis
Nice work, idiots.
joe rogan
Do you know how much of a loser I felt not going to college right out of high school?
unidentified
I was going to take a year off.
shane gillis
That's actually smart.
joe rogan
That was me.
mark normand
Did you travel at least?
joe rogan
No!
ari shaffir
Everybody take a year off.
joe rogan
Yeah.
shane gillis
You're getting banged up, bro.
You heard that 5G's, you greedy motherfucker.
joe rogan
What's the 5G's?
shane gillis
I told him I'd give him five grand if he drinks as many beers as much.
ari shaffir
Legitimately, this is zero chance.
joe rogan
He's gonna die.
mark normand
How many are you at?
joe rogan
It's a trap.
shane gillis
He'll die for money.
mark normand
Wait, you're at seven?
joe rogan
Ari will die for money.
shane gillis
He's hiding drinks.
mark normand
I'm impressed.
joe rogan
No, he's not hiding drinks, dude.
I'm telling you.
Let me tell you something about Ari.
shane gillis
You hear how heavy that beer was?
mark normand
Eight's enough.
ari shaffir
Then I finished it.
And then what did I do with that information?
mark normand
Octomon.
ari shaffir
It's not just the information.
shane gillis
Yo, for real, for the bet, we're going to...
joe rogan
Let me tell you something about Ari you probably don't know.
ari shaffir
I'm not doing it.
joe rogan
Ari is secretly very competitive.
ari shaffir
I'm not even trying.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
mark normand
Tell that to his career.
joe rogan
Ari is secretly very, very confused.
ari shaffir
False information.
joe rogan
I found that out when I played in pool, and I found that out when I did jiu-jitsu with him.
I gave Ari jiu-jitsu lessons for a year as a Hanukkah present, and he started going, and the first time I trained with him, I was like, this motherfucker takes this serious.
ari shaffir
You know what I got?
Good rear naked choke defense.
Once somebody's already back, which they were every day, I was in there fucking sliding the arms.
joe rogan
No, I remember you swept me once.
mark normand
Whoa!
joe rogan
I was in Ari's guard and Ari swept me.
I was like, whoa.
shane gillis
Yeah, Ari choked you out, dude?
joe rogan
No, he swept me.
shane gillis
No, I know, but Ari beat your ass.
ari shaffir
I did beat your ass.
mark normand
I already fucked you up.
joe rogan
Listen, he swept me.
He swept me.
It's a point.
mark normand
This old Jew beat your ass?
joe rogan
No, we were, look, At the time, I think it was a brown belt, and R was a white belt.
And so I was explaining what to do and what not to do, and he fucking...
mark normand
White beats brown.
joe rogan
He got into it, man.
He didn't beat me.
mark normand
All right.
joe rogan
Let's be serious.
mark normand
It's not what I heard.
unidentified
Joe.
shane gillis
You can't...
mark normand
No one...
ari shaffir
Sometimes during drills, you'd fight back, and I'd be like, well, hey, let me try hard.
And you'd be like, good job.
You did it.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
No, no, no, no, no.
shane gillis
At midday while you had it, Joe was like...
ari shaffir
Dude, he was quivering.
shane gillis
He tapped you.
unidentified
He was quivering.
He was quivering.
joe rogan
I cried a little.
ari shaffir
He's never been like that before.
joe rogan
I cried.
ari shaffir
He was quivering.
joe rogan
I was impressed.
No, I told him right away.
I was like, dude, you really got that.
I didn't give you that.
You got that one.
He caught me off guard.
He caught me off guard, but he's hyper competitive.
Yeah, he's a psycho.
When we did that Sober October thing...
ari shaffir
Number two, no steroid juice.
Number one, real...
mark normand
Rob McGaugh.
joe rogan
Steroid doesn't increase your will, though.
ari shaffir
I don't know, man.
You want a competition with steroids.
joe rogan
I want it with will.
ari shaffir
Okay.
joe rogan
It's all about how long you keep your heart at 140 beats a minute.
It's not a weightlifting competition.
If it was a weightlifting competition, I'd agree with you.
ari shaffir
Yeah, baseball's not a weightlifting competition.
joe rogan
No, no, no, no.
shane gillis
Wait, what's the argument?
joe rogan
Because it's the power to hit a ball.
ari shaffir
Whether he used steroids to beat me in an athletic competition.
shane gillis
What was the competition?
joe rogan
We did a Silver October challenge.
shane gillis
And you did steroids to not do alcohol?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
I did testosterone replacement therapy, which I do always.
mark normand
Like Hitler.
joe rogan
I kept doing it.
Yeah, same, but not as much meth.
He's methed out on tests.
unidentified
I'm fucking doing this sober trying to wake up in the morning with no coffee.
joe rogan
I knew when we started that Ari was going to be the biggest threat.
unidentified
Really?
joe rogan
I was like, this is crazy.
mark normand
I thought Burt's pretty athletic.
unidentified
No, no, no, no.
joe rogan
Burt's talker.
ari shaffir
Burt's a liar.
joe rogan
Burt talks.
unidentified
Uh-oh.
shane gillis
We were just talking about that diet.
joe rogan
Burt is tough.
shane gillis
Oh, wait.
joe rogan
This is like, so we did a podcast, and this is when, look how ripped he was.
ari shaffir
Look how ripped he was.
joe rogan
Look at his fucking abs.
mark normand
He looks like a survivor.
joe rogan
Give me some volume.
shane gillis
Give me some volume.
unidentified
He really does.
ari shaffir
When the champs got out, they were ripped.
joe rogan
Oh, he's in the yellow!
shane gillis
That's right, bitch.
ari shaffir
I'm telling you I've been burling the freedom across the Rhine River.
joe rogan
I'll tell you what.
I will never do this again.
I will never do this again, but I'm really glad we did this.
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
This is so hard.
shane gillis
Fucking.
unidentified
Bert claimed that I was cheating, and then we're like, let's do a hike together and see how many points we got.
ari shaffir
He got way more points from me for the same hike.
joe rogan
Because he's exhausted.
ari shaffir
Exhausted.
joe rogan
Yeah.
mark normand
You look ripped, man.
You're chiseled.
joe rogan
Listen, we did a podcast.
After the podcast, Ari rode for an hour.
shane gillis
For one fucking hour.
It's 190 weeks ago, dude.
joe rogan
It's been a while.
shane gillis
You've had to a rough 190 weeks.
joe rogan
Well, it's just he got into crazy shape, but he just didn't keep going.
mark normand
That's got a million and a half views there, Ari.
shane gillis
You got abs, dude.
joe rogan
Yeah, dude, Ari was shredded.
But here's what happened.
ari shaffir
I still paid my fucking gym account for four years before I realized.
I was like, I haven't been back there once.
joe rogan
Here's what happened with Ari.
Ari realized that you can watch a movie while you're doing it, and it's way easier.
So he went to the gym and watched a movie and racked up these big numbers.
This is the beginning of the month where we're trying to figure it out.
ari shaffir
24-hour gym.
joe rogan
I was like, this motherfucker.
ari shaffir
These idiots would go to sleep thinking of their head.
shane gillis
You should have seen him today.
You wouldn't do the fucking hotel workout.
joe rogan
No, no, no.
You've got to make a contest out of it.
You make a contest out of it, he's a psycho.
shane gillis
He's just not disciplined.
Look at this!
mark normand
Yes!
You're right, the contest!
joe rogan
I'm telling you, he's a fucking psycho.
He was the big threat.
mark normand
Good for you, man.
joe rogan
And then Tom got the flu.
So Tom was a big threat too, because Tom's got a strong mind.
Bert was never really gonna win.
ari shaffir
I watched every one of your specials on a gym, beating you.
Except for the StereoJewsers.
Beating you.
In that thing.
I watched your specials, just running, watching them.
Segura's, Kreischer's, yours?
Run.
Win.
Win.
shane gillis
But you lost.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
He blames the steroids.
ari shaffir
That's my only chance.
joe rogan
It's a willpower thing.
It's a willpower thing.
It's like, how much time are you willing to stay on the thing?
And I said, I'll kill you all.
I said, I'm going to kill you all.
shane gillis
You're the biggest psycho.
mark normand
But you had a problem.
joe rogan
I want to see where we can go.
I did seven hours on an elliptical machine.
mark normand
No, shut up.
joe rogan
Yes, I did.
mark normand
Seven hours?
joe rogan
Seven hours.
mark normand
What about your kids?
joe rogan
I did it too.
unidentified
What about his kids?
mark normand
You got to hug your kids?
unidentified
Do that!
You got to be a bad parent.
shane gillis
What about eight hours?
joe rogan
Nine to five.
I got up early in the morning.
Yeah, I did.
shane gillis
That's crazy!
joe rogan
I got up early in the morning and I did.
No, I did.
I did.
I watched John Wick a hundred times in a row.
shane gillis
By the way, I just re-watched it.
joe rogan
It doesn't hold up.
I set off the fire alarm in my gym from my sweat.
ari shaffir
Sweating, that's right.
mark normand
Shut up.
What does that mean?
joe rogan
We have a video of it.
mark normand
How do you set off an alarm?
joe rogan
Find the video.
It was a bedroom that I converted into a gym, and I sweat so hard that I set off the fire alarm.
No, I'm not joking.
Look at the steam on the wall.
unidentified
Holy shit, dude.
joe rogan
Look at the puddle on the floor.
mark normand
It's like Auschwitz.
ari shaffir
Auschwitz?
shane gillis
Look at this.
ari shaffir
Good to have you back, Ari.
joe rogan
I hope that's in your special.
mark normand
This is the first.
I set off the fire alarm with steam for a while.
joe rogan
It's real.
I set off a fire alarm.
mark normand
I did that once with a queef.
joe rogan
So this was the...
We got into a heated battle at one point in time.
It was getting crazy where guys are putting up these big numbers, working out three, four hours a day.
And so I said, let's fucking go to deep water.
unidentified
Damn.
shane gillis
Yeah.
ari shaffir
He went hunting.
He got like 80,000 points in a fucking afternoon.
He was running all day.
joe rogan
You don't realize how hard it is.
Hunting when you're in the mountains is so hard on your cardio.
That's why the best guys like Cam Haynes, he's a fucking ultra endurance athlete.
That's why he's one of many reasons why he's the best at it.
Because he doesn't get tired.
You get so fucking tired when you're hiking in the mountains, and you have a backpack on, most of those guys do.
mark normand
Elevation.
joe rogan
Yeah, and you're carrying a bow, and you're fucking going up these hills and trying to chase a four-legged animal that's running away from mountain lions.
So I was killing them with that.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
But I was already ahead.
I was already dragging you guys into deep water.
ari shaffir
Nope.
That's what got you ahead.
joe rogan
Eh.
ari shaffir
Yep.
shane gillis
Yeah, I mean, it's not like it was the hardest group to drag into deep water.
I don't think so.
joe rogan
I don't think I was ever behind.
ari shaffir
It's crazy.
It was kind of like the Skank Selection, where once Burt and Tom realized, like, oh, fuck, we're not gonna even come close.
And they were just both wanting to not be last.
joe rogan
I knew it was gonna be you, you fuck.
mark normand
So who won?
joe rogan
I won.
unidentified
Jesus Christ.
joe rogan
But I knew it was going to be.
ari shaffir
I was stealing.
I was cheating.
mark normand
But you wouldn't quit weed.
Remember that?
That was a big issue.
joe rogan
Oh, no, that was so Rob Tober.
mark normand
Oh, sorry.
ari shaffir
We talked him into it.
He was like, no, no, we're not throwing weed.
And we all started shitting on him.
He was like, oh, pussy, he's got a real problem.
shane gillis
Pray for Joe.
ari shaffir
Pray for Joe is a big thing.
mark normand
Don't get me started on the Bluetooth.
He can't get it up.
joe rogan
It got to a point where I was like, there's got to be a reason why I enjoy all this stuff.
Let's see what it's like.
Let's see what it's like to not for a month.
mark normand
It's fun to push it, man.
Good for you guys.
joe rogan
I like your chin strap.
mark normand
I'm trying.
shane gillis
Yeah, why are you doing that?
joe rogan
This is what you do with the mask.
shane gillis
You believe the science.
mark normand
Yes, yes.
shane gillis
You believe the science.
mark normand
I do.
unidentified
Push-ups right now.
shane gillis
By the way, I think...
mark normand
Fat people are beautiful.
shane gillis
I forgot.
I came on here to disapprove you, dude.
joe rogan
About what?
unidentified
Oh, shit!
joe rogan
Oh, thank God.
shane gillis
The boosters.
joe rogan
The what?
ari shaffir
You got the boosters?
shane gillis
Boosters.
joe rogan
Booze 2s?
shane gillis
Hell yeah, I got the boosters.
I got a bunch of them.
joe rogan
Boosters.
shane gillis
And now I'm doing pretty good.
ari shaffir
You've lost weight.
mark normand
You look good.
joe rogan
We have to remember before we go...
shane gillis
I got boosters.
joe rogan
I'm glad you do.
Before we...
We gotta do the Hitler and Mussolini videos.
unidentified
Oh, yeah.
shane gillis
We forgot those.
Oh, they're the best.
joe rogan
When you started talking, I thought history.
shane gillis
You gotta see Mussolini, dude.
mark normand
You talk shit.
joe rogan
So what are you saying about boosters?
shane gillis
Oh, they're the best.
joe rogan
You like them?
Could you imagine?
shane gillis
I've gotten several.
joe rogan
How many have you got?
How many did you get?
You got three boosters?
Three.
ari shaffir
Is there even allowed?
joe rogan
Is it like caviar, like it's an acquired taste?
shane gillis
It is, but once you get, yeah.
unidentified
For real.
shane gillis
Once me and all my bros that get boosters hang out, we're all like...
Dude, this is so sick.
mark normand
You're in sync.
shane gillis
We're never going to get the common cold again.
unidentified
Oh, how dare you.
mark normand
Wouldn't it be great to have a Mussolini-Hitler podcast?
That's what's a bummer about those old times.
ari shaffir
They didn't have any footage.
mark normand
No footage of that shit.
unidentified
Well, here's what's weird.
joe rogan
Obama had a podcast.
mark normand
And it tanked!
joe rogan
It didn't do well.
shane gillis
It was called Renegades.
It was him and fucking, uh...
mark normand
Springsteen.
joe rogan
Bruce Springsteen.
shane gillis
Bruce Springsteen.
What the fuck is this?
ari shaffir
That's him trying to get his.
He was like, this guy was cool.
shane gillis
Let's do a podcast together.
It was a fake factory worker and a president being like, we're renegades.
It's like, dude, shut up.
mark normand
Half-white.
joe rogan
Listen, you gotta give it up.
You gotta give it up for some of Bruce Springsteen's music.
mark normand
Oh, he's a killer!
joe rogan
Of course, of course, of course.
ari shaffir
Born to run.
mark normand
24 years old!
joe rogan
Come on, man.
He was an animal.
Of course he went crazy.
mark normand
And not a Jew, by the way.
joe rogan
By the way, no fucking...
ari shaffir
Why would you even read?
mark normand
Well, Springsteen.
ari shaffir
Oh, okay.
joe rogan
Well, the Jews have gotten a lot of props.
ari shaffir
I.E.N., but okay.
joe rogan
Deservedly so on this podcast.
Yes.
We've given the Jews a lot of props.
mark normand
Love the heat.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
Good tribe.
ari shaffir
Go with QAnon.
joe rogan
Hey.
unidentified
Pretty good.
ari shaffir
Dude, I've been done.
You're doing great.
joe rogan
What do you got, Aiden?
You got Aiden?
ari shaffir
I was ready to quit at four.
I was like, oh, no, dude.
shane gillis
You're doing great.
mark normand
I'm impressed.
joe rogan
It's scary.
mark normand
Your eyes won't open.
ari shaffir
We'll have a good time in life.
joe rogan
It's scary when you get to a point when you're like, I don't know if I can keep going.
shane gillis
Your eyes are shut.
mark normand
We're getting old, man.
It's scary.
The hangovers.
joe rogan
They get rough.
Well, it's just like it's accumulated damage.
It's like getting punched in the face with little jabs every night.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Just not that bad.
Just to get thumped.
A little thump.
mark normand
And just think how many years we've done it.
Over years and years.
joe rogan
After a while you get a little chinny.
ari shaffir
You're like, fuck, it's hard to come back.
shane gillis
You get knocked out quick.
You get a three-bud light shark.
joe rogan
You know what's weird when you have a friend that's like a heavy boozer and you see one drink in and they're already fucked?
mark normand
You're like, goddammit.
joe rogan
Bro, your liver is dog shit.
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
It's a very resilient organ.
ari shaffir
I can't break down anything.
It's like a foreign substance.
joe rogan
Your liver is so tired.
mark normand
I had Segura on my pot.
He gets a trainer every day.
He doesn't drink at all.
joe rogan
He's an animal.
mark normand
He's an animal.
I'm so impressed.
joe rogan
He looks so good.
mark normand
He looks great.
joe rogan
He looks so good.
mark normand
But is he having fun?
shane gillis
But is stand-up fun?
joe rogan
He's having fun.
shane gillis
Sober.
joe rogan
Yeah.
mark normand
It is just fun.
Yeah, it's so fun.
joe rogan
Stand-up is just fun.
ari shaffir
There's an old earthquake quote where they're like interviewing with some podcast in some interview and they're like, do you ever drink on stage?
He goes, well, stand-up comedy is one of the few professions that allow imbibing while you're performing.
mark normand
Yeah.
ari shaffir
And they're like, do you do that?
He goes, and I like to, yeah, avail myself of that opportunity.
And they're like, does it ever fuck up with stand-up?
He goes, absolutely.
unidentified
Yeah.
shane gillis
It ruins weekends.
joe rogan
He's fucking hilarious.
mark normand
So funny.
joe rogan
I was so happy to have him on the podcast because we've talked about him so many times and he's like the best comic that doesn't get what he deserves.
mark normand
Killer.
joe rogan
In terms of like when he's murdering, he doesn't get the respect he deserves.
ari shaffir
Destruction.
joe rogan
I think more people get it now that he has that Netflix special that just came out.
It was a Netflix, right?
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
It was like a half-hour special.
unidentified
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
It was a Dave Chappelle Presents thing, right?
Yeah.
Dude, he's a monster.
But he had a monster.
shane gillis
That's him.
ari shaffir
That's him on stage right now.
joe rogan
Oh, that's Moose.
What were you going to say, Shane?
Jamie with the terrible segues here.
Yeah, he was Moose.
ari shaffir
The Tower 7 did go down because of that.
shane gillis
Who's the comic you had on?
You were talking about doing nothing.
I think it was Earthquake.
joe rogan
Doing nothing?
shane gillis
Yeah, you were talking about if I don't do anything all day, I'll feel terrible.
joe rogan
Oh yeah, probably.
shane gillis
And he was like, no, that's just nice.
As soon as he said it, I was like, yo, hell yeah, bro.
mark normand
He's awesome.
joe rogan
We're both right.
We're absolutely both right.
ari shaffir
He said Eddie Murphy should have won an Oscar because he played eight characters in The Clumps.
joe rogan
That's a good point.
ari shaffir
Because no matter how, even if he thought his acting was mediocre, he was like, it's still not eight times worse than this.
joe rogan
Bro, do you ever see how good Eddie Murphy is still at stand-up?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
Do you ever see that speech that he gave?
ari shaffir
What speech?
joe rogan
Let me tell you something right now.
If Eddie Murphy decided to just do stand-up.
unidentified
Disagree.
mark normand
Disagree.
joe rogan
He would be at the top of the heap.
mark normand
Disagree!
joe rogan
You're crazy!
mark normand
I'll tell you why.
ari shaffir
He's all out of shape.
mark normand
No way.
joe rogan
I want to show you something.
mark normand
You have to do reps.
joe rogan
You have to bomb.
mark normand
He's not willing to bomb.
joe rogan
I love you all.
I love you all.
I value your opinion.
I think you're 100% correct.
Here's my perspective.
If he was doing reps, he'd be even better.
mark normand
Of course.
You have to do reps.
joe rogan
He's disrespectful.
You're absolutely correct.
But I'm saying, the level he's at without doing reps is so high that if he decided to do stand-up again, if you watch him give his speech, he gives a speech, he does a Bill Cosby impression, it's fucking magic, dude.
mark normand
Okay.
joe rogan
His timing is sensational.
mark normand
He's gifted.
joe rogan
He's gifted.
unidentified
Nobody says he's not gifted.
joe rogan
I want you to be open-minded.
ari shaffir
Nobody says he's not gifted.
joe rogan
No, no, no, no.
ari shaffir
I'm open-minded, but you've got to practice.
Okay, let's hear it.
joe rogan
No, listen, you fucks.
Of course you have to practice.
shane gillis
Those two, not me, Joe.
joe rogan
Joe, I'm on your side, dude.
Let me tell you something.
Before we go further, Roseanne Barr went on stage after I don't know how many years at our show at the Vulcan like three weeks ago.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
She fucking crushed.
mark normand
No way.
joe rogan
She hasn't been on stage in years.
mark normand
The nut lady?
joe rogan
She didn't know she was going to go up until ten minutes before she went up.
Stan Hope and Ron White talked her into doing stand-up.
shane gillis
That's awesome.
joe rogan
And she goes on stage and the audience goes fucking insane.
And she kills.
mark normand
No way.
joe rogan
She kills.
She's self-deprecating.
She's talking about how crazy she is.
She's so loose.
Her timing is on.
And she hasn't done stand-up in years.
mark normand
It does click in.
joe rogan
But here's what I'm saying.
As good as she is right then and there, she was an all-time great.
We forget.
mark normand
Domestic goddess, yeah.
joe rogan
Roseanne's an all-time great.
unidentified
So when you see her there, if she was doing regular reps, she'd be way better.
joe rogan
That's how good Eddie Murphy is.
Eddie Murphy is so good that if you see him in this speech, no reps at all.
But doing acting and, of course, hanging around with funny people and talking shit.
ari shaffir
Yeah, but still different than being on stage.
joe rogan
Watch this.
It's 100% different than being on stage.
By the way, this is the worst environment ever for stand-up.
We agree?
mark normand
You got that right.
joe rogan
This is the worst environment.
ari shaffir
Weird crowd, though.
joe rogan
Weird crowd.
ari shaffir
They're all into him.
mark normand
And they love him already.
ari shaffir
Yeah, they love him already.
mark normand
But let's see.
We'll see.
We'll give a fair...
I mean, we're all agreeance.
He's a master.
ari shaffir
I'd like to see him.
joe rogan
Okay, don't be a hater.
mark normand
He's a beast.
I mean, he's one of the greats.
unidentified
This is a tremendous honor.
Wonderful evening.
I'd like to thank the Kennedy Center, first of all, for celebrating me and honoring me in such a wonderful way and bringing my loved ones and my family here.
This is a super special, memorable night.
And thank you to all the comedians that came out and sang.
I mean, Sam Moore came out and sang, and Alabama Shakes was here.
We had a really, really, really special, special night.
It hasn't been lost on me that, you know, usually when people have evenings like this, a person is really, really old when they get these awards.
They'll let you wait.
Really, like, one of the greatest, funniest people of all time was George Carlin, and he received this award posthumously.
And he's funnier than all of us.
So to be standing here alive and looking like myself still...
They let you get really old and good at you, you know.
And there was also some confusion about whether or not it was an award or a prize.
And actually, it's an award.
Even though they call it a prize, it's an award.
Because usually when there's a prize, there's money involved.
Killing.
mark normand
Was that written?
unidentified
Nah, it's all written.
joe rogan
No, no, it gets bad.
unidentified
It gets way better.
ari shaffir
Mark Twain award.
unidentified
Kennedy said, that sounds like paper.
joe rogan
He's receiving an award.
unidentified
Then they told me yesterday they raised 2.3 million.
I was like, yo, I'm in there.
Then I came down and they told me that, oh, there is no, it's a prize, but there is no money.
And I was like, oh.
So I think to clear up the confusion for future recipients, maybe you don't want to call it the Mark Twain Prize.
If you don't want to call it the award, maybe you could call it the Mark Twain Surprise.
mark normand
Wordplay.
ari shaffir
Crap.
Now switch to Dave Chappelle's and watch a real comic.
joe rogan
He's still on.
unidentified
He does his Bill Cosby thing.
shane gillis
Play Mussolini.
mark normand
He's a killer.
shane gillis
That motherfucker kills.
unidentified
But that still doesn't diminish how wonderful this is.
It's a wonderful, wonderful thing to be included.
joe rogan
At this point, I'm rooting for him.
I'm rooting for my memory to be correct.
unidentified
It's wrong.
mark normand
I think that was all off the cuff, which is still pretty good.
unidentified
Paul Reiner.
Lily Tomlin.
Who else got this?
Bill.
Oh, Bill has one of these.
Did y'all make Bill give his back?
mark normand
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
unidentified
No, because I know there was a big outcry from people.
They was trying to get Billy to give his trophies back.
You know you up when they want you to give your trophies back.
mark normand
Now he's being himself.
unidentified
Yeah.
He should do one show where he just come out and just talk crazy now.
I would like to talk to some of the people who feel that I should give back my babies!
joe rogan
They bleeped out the bad words because you can't handle them.
unidentified
Just because you may have heard recently that I allegedly put the pill in the people's chocolate!
I wish someone would come up to my house talking about, give up the trophy because you put the pill in the people's chocolate, you get...
No!
But I'm not giving back.
joe rogan
I wish this was uncensored.
mark normand
Yeah.
unidentified
And who is Hannibal Barriss?
Hannibal Barriss!
First of all, Hannibal is a caveman's name.
And you gonna just come on out and push over an apple cart to Hannibal?
If I ever see or meet this Hannibal Barrison person, I am going to try to kill this nigger!
shane gillis
Why didn't they beat that out?
unidentified
How did they beat that out?
joe rogan
That's the only thing that's not beeped?
mark normand
Well, he's black.
unidentified
PBS. I think they felt like they didn't have the right.
I bet they felt like we don't have the right to disclose that.
I bet they did.
For real, it's PBS. Don't let the Kramer.
joe rogan
So, like, think about it.
The guy's not done any stand-up.
ari shaffir
Alright, it was fine.
Nobody's like, that's amazing.
unidentified
Nah.
joe rogan
Terrible environment.
shane gillis
Are you always an asshole?
ari shaffir
I'm just saying.
Standing O. Of course, they're sick of fans.
shane gillis
Standing O, he's getting a fucking lifetime achievement award.
ari shaffir
Go actually try it and do it for a while.
No fucking way.
Mark, you know you're on my side.
joe rogan
I'm on your side, too.
This is where you're wrong.
I'm on your side, too.
I know what you're saying.
But I'm saying that he's so talented, that's how good he is without doing it.
If he started doing it again, he would be a killer.
Everybody, like, for a lot of guys who hadn't done it in a long time, why are you so angry?
ari shaffir
Because he, whatever.
Everyone talks about it.
He's like, oh, he's going to be amazing.
Well, do it then.
joe rogan
Didn't he sign a deal with Netflix?
mark normand
Yeah, I don't know.
That fell through.
He doesn't need it.
You've got to need it a little bit.
shane gillis
I think he probably might need it.
ari shaffir
Maybe he knows.
You've got to go on stage every day for a year.
mark normand
He's got a lot of residuals coming in.
He's fine.
joe rogan
Where would you go?
What do you do?
You go right to the clubs?
unidentified
Yeah, I don't know.
joe rogan
People are going to come to see you.
ari shaffir
Where are you going to go?
mark normand
You've got to play Iceland for a while.
joe rogan
You've got to drop in.
mark normand
You've got to label it workout.
ari shaffir
But every night for a long time.
joe rogan
Don't you think you've got to drop in?
ari shaffir
Yeah, you've got to drop in.
shane gillis
He could never drop in, though.
ari shaffir
But at least some level of like...
mark normand
He could do it.
ari shaffir
Some kids would be like, I kind of know who you're talking about.
shane gillis
Every single person.
mark normand
They'd start tweeting when he's there.
joe rogan
Yeah, they'd tweet, but once he's there, if he's only going to do five, ten minutes, he can get away with a drop-in.
He'd do a real drop-in.
There might be a good move to do that.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Or, you know, go up on someone's show where it's introduced like you haven't done stand-up in forever, and you just go up there.
ari shaffir
No, just go up all the time.
You can do the best you can do.
He's just famous.
He can't get an honest reaction, but he can get as close as he can get.
shane gillis
That's the hard part of him dropping in, because the first 5 to 10 are going to be forgiven.
ari shaffir
But some 19-year-olds, I kind of know him.
joe rogan
You know what's weird?
When that happens, when someone's like a TV star, in the first 30 seconds, the audience is going nuts.
And then the material starts coming out.
unidentified
Exactly.
joe rogan
And then it gets this weird place, like 30 seconds in, where you're like, oh no.
mark normand
Great Colin Quinn joke.
ari shaffir
Because also, they just saw three real, right now comics.
mark normand
Yeah.
ari shaffir
And then it's like...
mark normand
Well, that's the beauty of stand-up.
You get five minutes of grace.
Oh, it's Jack Nicholson.
This is the Colin Quinn thing.
ari shaffir
Jack Nicholson.
mark normand
Oh, we love him.
He's beloved.
He's an American icon.
And then five minutes in, you're like, we're bored as shit.
unidentified
Yeah, like, oh, yeah, Greg Burns is way better than this.
ari shaffir
Like, this was not close.
joe rogan
Isn't that weird?
Like, comedy's a fucking strange bitch.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Such a weird art form.
Because it seems like we're just talking.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
But it's chosen words, it's cadence, it's rhythm, it's so much put into it.
shane gillis
Cadence Owens!
mark normand
Nicely done.
joe rogan
Oh my god, it's amazing.
It's so fun.
shane gillis
Jamie, where the fuck are the Bud Lights, dude?
joe rogan
Jesus, Jamie.
mark normand
I didn't know you were out, but they're coming.
unidentified
This should be in a second.
shane gillis
We're out.
We're way out.
ari shaffir
Some of your fucking paid killers to go get some Bud Lights.
mark normand
I'll double check.
shane gillis
I'll check.
mark normand
Are you some drizzly?
joe rogan
I'm so high, I'm fascinated with the fact I can change the alien's light colors.
mark normand
Oh, jeez.
You're that guy now?
ari shaffir
He was always a toy guy.
joe rogan
Is that bad?
Is it bad to be that guy?
mark normand
No, it's not bad.
joe rogan
What is that guy, the lights or the alien?
mark normand
The alien.
joe rogan
Oh, man.
They're real.
mark normand
Yeah, of course they're real.
joe rogan
They're real.
mark normand
Illegals.
joe rogan
That's us in the future.
That's what that is.
mark normand
Aliens?
joe rogan
Yeah, that's what we're going to look like.
mark normand
Well, do you think they know about us and they're just like, these guys are idiots, or they're waiting?
joe rogan
I think if they're real, they know about us.
It depends on how long they've been around.
ari shaffir
If you type infinite universes, some species is smart enough to get here.
And then they're leaving us alone.
joe rogan
There's so many possibilities out there.
ari shaffir
But then you would think somebody would have invaded.
joe rogan
No.
ari shaffir
With infinite possibilities, somebody would have invaded.
mark normand
True.
joe rogan
The thing is, the way they describe it, when they talk about Type 1, Type 2, and Type 3 civilizations...
unidentified
Diabetes.
joe rogan
I had this guy Michio Kaku, do you know the physicist?
mark normand
That guy's brilliant.
joe rogan
He's amazing.
mark normand
Brilliant!
Your mind blows every time you watch him.
joe rogan
And really, really good at explaining complicated things to people like us.
He can explain it in a way that's very clean.
mark normand
Accessible.
joe rogan
Very digestible.
He's just brilliant at that.
About anything.
He's got this insane wealth of information.
mark normand
There's a group of girls that like him, too, by the way.
joe rogan
Oh, I'm sure.
ari shaffir
Oh, he's got to have groupies.
Oh, yeah.
Scientist groupies.
joe rogan
He's a super genius.
mark normand
Oh, I'd fuck Sam Harris.
ari shaffir
I saw that once when you did your Scientology show, or scientific show.
joe rogan
Which one?
ari shaffir
Where science show was.
joe rogan
Oh, you mean that thing, the 2040, the thing that we all did together in New York?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
That we're talking about?
Yeah.
Where they're all the geniuses and then the groupies.
unidentified
Yeah.
Geniuses.
ari shaffir
Yeah, we would hang out at night with these geniuses.
They were like, oh, here's a look, here's a genius in this, here's a genius in that.
They go speak, but they're like cowboys in their field.
unidentified
Whoa.
joe rogan
Yeah, they're super famous.
ari shaffir
So everyone hangs out.
He's like women.
joe rogan
And boys, too.
Guys, too.
There's a lot of guy groupies.
ari shaffir
I want to hear them.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
They're so smart.
They're famous scientists.
mark normand
Bud Light is making a ton of money off this ep.
joe rogan
They deserve it.
They've been around forever.
They're American.
It's a fucking American.
Solid beverage.
ari shaffir
Hey, you remember when you had to order a Bud American?
mark normand
No.
ari shaffir
Just order in America.
Remember that song?
joe rogan
I miss that.
unidentified
What?
ari shaffir
No.
They were covering the flag.
What?
It's now renamed, Budweiser's renamed America.
mark normand
Wow.
joe rogan
Wait, how long?
ari shaffir
When was this?
2016-ish.
unidentified
Wow.
shane gillis
You want a shotgun one more?
mark normand
With Pikachu.
What happened with Pikachu?
joe rogan
That guy, the Asian guy.
I just enjoy drinking, though.
mark normand
What happened with the white-haired guy?
joe rogan
Oh my god, look at this, America.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
We tried.
We went to the beach at Dewey Beach going, like, can I get one America?
And they're like, what?
And you're like, all right, brother.
shane gillis
This peer pressure is ridiculous.
It's for real, though.
joe rogan
It's for the truth.
Unrelenting.
mark normand
You never finished.
shane gillis
For real.
Shout out to the teams.
joe rogan
I forgot what I was talking about.
What was I saying?
mark normand
You're talking about the scientist Asian guy.
joe rogan
Right.
How did we get to him?
We're talking about aliens, right?
mark normand
Yes.
shane gillis
Oh, we get back on aliens?
joe rogan
Oh.
mark normand
Well, he had a good thing with the Asian.
joe rogan
Well, he believes that...
shane gillis
Oh shit, I went through the bottom.
joe rogan
Please don't do that.
mark normand
Sorry.
shane gillis
What are you doing at risk?
joe rogan
I believe that what they know about whatever the fuck these things are is so strange that, like, it doesn't follow known science.
He was saying, like, the videos that they can show you, the actual evidence of things moving, and when they track these things, the speeds that they move at, it defies science.
There's no heat signature.
Everything's fucked.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Jamie's in again.
He's an animal.
The kid's an animal.
shane gillis
Jamie's a moth.
Jamie's getting shotguns harder than everybody.
unidentified
Oh!
mark normand
Jesus!
I got the tomahawk.
Thank you, though.
shane gillis
Yeah, the tomahawk's nice, dude.
mark normand
Go Cleveland Indians.
shane gillis
Wait, hold on.
ari shaffir
Get the tomahawk, dude.
shane gillis
You gotta go down.
unidentified
You gotta get the lid down, dude.
joe rogan
LFG, bitches.
Let's go.
Let's fucking go.
mark normand
Gah!
It's so cold!
shane gillis
This is for real, though.
This is for the troops, dude.
Sorry.
joe rogan
Uno, dos, tres, go!
mark normand
My hole sucks.
Damn it.
shane gillis
Now, don't nobody say anything bad, dude.
ari shaffir
Oh, oh.
joe rogan
When you said my hole sucks, I almost laughed in the middle of chugging.
ari shaffir
Yeah, yeah, in the middle of it.
mark normand
Bad hole.
shane gillis
We're having fun, dude.
This is what guys do.
joe rogan
Well, they used to before it became toxic.
Are we going to pee again?
shane gillis
Remember when guys used to have fun?
joe rogan
Yeah, I do.
It's every day for me.
shane gillis
Oh, dude, I do have to say.
I do have to say.
The fucking fully loaded tour is nice.
joe rogan
It's got to be amazing.
Can't wait.
shane gillis
The only problem with it is that little twink they have on the tour, that fucking man's dude.
mark normand
I love man's!
shane gillis
Everything else is cool.
joe rogan
I don't know what you're talking about.
shane gillis
There's a guy, Bert has a group of dudes around, there's just one motherfucker.
joe rogan
What's the problem?
shane gillis
He's just a twink, and he loves Norman.
mark normand
He's a queef, for sure.
shane gillis
Bro, he walked actually at the Vulcan.
He came, remember that dude?
He was chirping at you.
mark normand
Oh, he was all over you!
joe rogan
He was?
mark normand
And you had to shut him down.
You're like, who is this fucking guy?
Bert was like, what are you doing, man?
Shut the fuck up!
joe rogan
Hey, let's not call this guy out on the podcast.
shane gillis
I promised him I would.
joe rogan
You promised him you would?
shane gillis
Yeah, last night he was talking shit, and I said, tomorrow I'm doing Rogan, I'm gonna fucking bury you, pussy.
joe rogan
You told him that?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Are you sure you want to do this?
shane gillis
I couldn't be more excited to do this.
For real, I'm certain.
He's a queef and a half.
Obviously, he's a good dude.
mark normand
He's a great guy.
shane gillis
For real, he's a great dude.
joe rogan
Great guy.
shane gillis
This is where I wanted to kill him.
mark normand
He likes little boys.
shane gillis
He does love boys.
joe rogan
Isn't that okay, though?
mark normand
Well, he's fine.
shane gillis
He walked into the green room.
joe rogan
It should be okay.
shane gillis
He walked into the green room.
I was just on tour with these motherfuckers.
joe rogan
Right.
shane gillis
He did the European tour.
Norman did the Europe tour.
He walks in and he's like, Hey, how are you?
To me.
Never met me in his life.
He's like, Mark!
unidentified
Hey!
mark normand
Wait, what?
shane gillis
Dude, Manns...
mark normand
He called you me?
shane gillis
Manns loves you.
No, no, no.
mark normand
Oh.
shane gillis
Like, you and me were both in the green.
unidentified
Oh, oh, oh!
shane gillis
His story sucks.
No, it's funny.
mark normand
Wait a minute.
joe rogan
Doesn't it suck?
mark normand
Sorry, I'm drunk.
shane gillis
His story sucks.
Yo, give me a second, Joe.
What's your problem?
mark normand
I know.
For a guy who likes conspiracy theories and aliens, you don't really give us a shot.
joe rogan
There was a moment that I could just jump in and say this story sucks, and I knew it'd be funny to do it.
That's how I knew I did it.
I don't mean this story sucks.
I could have an open mind and really enjoy this story.
But that moment, I'm like, I think I can say this story sucks and it'd be hilarious.
shane gillis
And it'll break me down.
I'll be like...
joe rogan
What the fuck, Joe?
shane gillis
What the hell are you talking about?
mark normand
And it worked.
joe rogan
We're gonna get back to Mussolini in a bit, folks.
Don't worry, we haven't lost our spot.
mark normand
This is so much better without Ari.
joe rogan
Jesus, he's weighing us down.
shane gillis
By the way, he's gotta be wrecked.
mark normand
Oh, these fucking Jews.
shane gillis
Yo, for real, Ari's gotta be wrecked, dude.
unidentified
Do you think he's puking her?
joe rogan
No!
mark normand
He's running the media out there.
joe rogan
He might be.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 9, 10...
He didn't have that one?
I'm impressed.
shane gillis
He's gonna be wrecked.
mark normand
That's double digits.
joe rogan
So he's had 10 beers.
mark normand
Good for him, Dreidel.
joe rogan
We shotgunned, no, eleven, twelve.
mark normand
One's mine, one's mine.
joe rogan
Two are down.
One is down.
mark normand
Maybe even two is mine.
joe rogan
Eleven?
Maybe eleven.
shane gillis
Don't do me like that, though.
unidentified
At least ten.
joe rogan
Let's say ten.
He's got ten beers down.
mark normand
Go to the Burke tour.
joe rogan
That's insane.
mark normand
Go to Fully Loaded.
We're doing Mississippi.
We're doing Greenville.
We're doing Bristol, Tennessee.
What's the website?
joe rogan
FullyLoaded.com?
mark normand
I believe.
Pull it up.
joe rogan
That's a great name for a fucking tour, by the way.
mark normand
And you gotta hand it to the motherfucker.
He's a mogul.
He's a fat mogul.
joe rogan
He's drunk and he's a mogul.
Imagine how good he would be if he was sober.
mark normand
I know!
But his tickets would...
There it is.
joe rogan
Is Bert taking his shirt off on stage the single biggest move in the history of comedy?
shane gillis
I've never heard...
I said it last time.
Dude, the pop, it's my favorite thing.
When I'm with him, like, because when he gets...
First off, I've been going on right before him this whole time.
So I'm following fucking Big J and Dave Attell.
mark normand
Oh, Dave Attell, the funniest guy.
shane gillis
And by the way, Jay's been murdering.
mark normand
Jay's a beast.
shane gillis
Dave obviously murders.
joe rogan
Killer.
Both of them, killers.
shane gillis
And then I go on, and then I'm like, nice.
joe rogan
Good luck.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
No, then I go on, and I'm like, that was pretty good.
And then, ladies and gentlemen, Burt Kreischer, and it's like, and I'm like, holy shit, I'm nothing.
mark normand
It's wild.
shane gillis
And then, yo, the pop of him taking his fucking shirt off.
mark normand
Oh, it's like the Beatles.
shane gillis
It really is.
And honestly, what's funny is when you're there, you're like, nice.
mark normand
Yes, you're in.
shane gillis
As a fucking comedian, you want to sit there and be like, Oh, that's your fucking thing?
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
No, but he's funny too.
mark normand
He's great!
shane gillis
When he does it...
joe rogan
Burt is a beautiful thing.
He's a beautiful thing.
mark normand
He's an entity.
joe rogan
He's not normal.
Look at this!
shane gillis
This is what we've been doing, dude.
ari shaffir
He's beautiful.
joe rogan
And here's the other thing.
Couldn't be a nicer guy.
mark normand
The best.
joe rogan
Couldn't be a nicer guy.
He's a genuine sweetheart.
mark normand
Loves comedy.
joe rogan
He's a genuine 100% sweetheart.
shane gillis
That's the thing.
None of it's me.
joe rogan
I protect that guy.
ari shaffir
Those people are having so much fun.
joe rogan
I protect him.
ari shaffir
He puts on a show.
joe rogan
I've had some conversations with him.
ari shaffir
Those people are having so much fun.
mark normand
The best.
shane gillis
Hold on, can I say this?
mark normand
His kids miss him, but they're there.
joe rogan
They were there on Father's Day.
shane gillis
Can I say this?
ari shaffir
This one's on a show.
That's an event.
joe rogan
You childless wonder.
shane gillis
Can I say this?
We're doing baseball fields, and it's like...
Who's going to kill?
ari shaffir
He's out there drinking with people.
unidentified
We're not getting a better show in the world in that show.
joe rogan
He's doing ice baths and fucking IVs.
Let's fucking go.
mark normand
How did he outlive Norm Macdonald?
ari shaffir
He's got a tell on.
He's got an ochre set on.
joe rogan
That's a special human being.
shane gillis
You too.
mark normand
He's the real deal.
joe rogan
He drinks so hard.
You want to talk about, okay, I'm doing testosterone.
Bert has been drinking his whole life.
mark normand
Hell yeah.
joe rogan
That's a giant disadvantage for performance, and yet he still has enough energy to do all the shit he does.
He's always going after it.
ari shaffir
We were in the car with Cameron Haynes, and I was like, hey, Burt ran a marathon.
mark normand
Hold on, you guys are all over the place.
ari shaffir
And Cameron Haynes was like, that's a legit thing.
You can't deny that.
That's a legit thing.
joe rogan
Yeah, he ran a fucking marathon.
mark normand
He's got the Mickey Mantle gene.
He really has it.
unidentified
Although he died at 62. The guy has a drive.
mark normand
And it's over.
joe rogan
This was the point, is the guy has a drive that belies his habits.
mark normand
Yes.
joe rogan
Weird.
Like, his habits are insane.
Like, you just want to, like, go...
How do you have any energy to do anything?
You eat shit.
You drink vodka all day.
You're out of your fucking mind.
mark normand
That's amazing.
I'm 10 years, 12, 20, whatever years younger than him.
I would be hungover.
I couldn't move.
And he would be on the elliptical with a Bud Light.
joe rogan
He's on the elliptical drinking wine.
He gets vitamin IVs.
mark normand
Yep.
joe rogan
And he keeps going.
mark normand
Keeps going.
ari shaffir
That's a legit music festival.
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
For a comedy show night.
shane gillis
Wait till you see it.
joe rogan
How many hours is this show?
ari shaffir
Yeah, how many hours is it?
shane gillis
The show is long, dude, but...
ari shaffir
The intermission?
You have an intermission.
shane gillis
It's like a half hour?
mark normand
That's what the Bricks do.
ari shaffir
That means you hang out all day.
That means he's just putting on a day of entertainment.
mark normand
Hell yeah!
joe rogan
That's a great idea.
ari shaffir
Half hour intermission for a day.
joe rogan
Get more drinks.
So is it like, what's the total amount of time that people are performing?
shane gillis
Hold on, let me say this.
It's the party of the summer.
ari shaffir
Yup.
joe rogan
Guys, he just tried to high-five you and you just didn't even...
unidentified
Guys, hold on.
ari shaffir
No respect for the first time.
joe rogan
No respect for the high-five.
shane gillis
The fully loaded tour?
joe rogan
Are you in promotion mode?
This is Shane Gillis promotion mode.
shane gillis
It's the party of the summer.
Who the fuck would have thought?
mark normand
There's the clip.
Clip it.
shane gillis
Dude, I'm giving a fuck.
Yo, that tour stinks, dude.
unidentified
I hate it.
joe rogan
It's a great idea.
ari shaffir
What a great idea.
I'll throw you a bird in the middle of it.
shane gillis
It's the party.
Guys, it's the party this summer.
unidentified
Whoa!
shane gillis
Another beer?
mark normand
Oh, come on, Bristol!
Sell this shit out!
joe rogan
Look at this.
They're at the Bon Secours Wellness Arena.
shane gillis
Yo, the Bon Secours is gonna be lit, dude.
joe rogan
Thunder Valley Amphitheater.
mark normand
We got Brian Simpson coming.
We need a black on that tour.
It's getting a little white.
joe rogan
Fucking hilarious.
I love Simpson.
I'm with Simpson July 1st at the MGM. That's a funny black.
Yeah.
shane gillis
Jesus Christ.
mark normand
I mean a funny guy.
joe rogan
I'm going to do some time.
mark normand
He's killer.
joe rogan
Joey Coco Diaz in Bristol, Tennessee.
ari shaffir
He did my Coco.
He did my Creek Week.
joe rogan
Yo, I did those Atlantic City shows, and Joey, on the first night, you could tell he hadn't been in front of that many people for that long.
It had been a long time.
On the second night, he came out guns blazing.
I told him, I go, do whatever you want to do.
I go, you want to do a minute?
Do a minute.
You want to do a half hour?
Do a half hour.
Just do whatever you want to do.
unidentified
Jesus.
joe rogan
We'll be ready.
He did seven minutes of fucking red-faced murder.
Red-faced murder.
Just fucking screaming.
He was bright purple on stage, spitting.
unidentified
Ah!
joe rogan
Killing.
mark normand
Seven minutes?
shane gillis
I've never seen him live.
mark normand
I saw him at the main room once.
shane gillis
It was wild.
mark normand
It was fucking awesome.
shane gillis
I'm gonna be on the tour with him.
ari shaffir
Where did you see him?
shane gillis
I can't wait.
I've never seen him.
joe rogan
He's a fucking animal, man.
He's a fucking animal.
mark normand
Oh, he's not there yet?
shane gillis
His fucking ass was out?
joe rogan
Yeah, his ass was hanging out right before he goes on stage.
It was me behind him filming him.
His ass is completely hanging out.
shane gillis
That's for your show.
Motherfuckers.
joe rogan
Yeah, that was in Atlantic City.
ari shaffir
Literally, seven comics were just like, all they could do in their life was to get him back on stage.
joe rogan
Yeah.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
We got him back.
We got him back.
And we also got him back where he realized, like, we've been working.
You know, we're all, like, everyone's tight.
Hans Kim is tight.
That kid is a fucking killer.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Hans Kim is a fucking killer.
I don't want to tell you his bits.
Dude, I'm telling you that.
I'll tell you afterwards, you're going to cry.
I don't want to fuck them up.
But he's a killer.
ari shaffir
He was like Kiltoni last time with us.
joe rogan
And, you know, Tony's on fire right now.
shane gillis
Tony's a beast, dude.
mark normand
Tony kills.
joe rogan
So we're all on this show together.
So it's a high-pressure show.
mark normand
I saw you and Tony at the Ryman.
That must have been...
joe rogan
Oh, that was fun.
mark normand
I met you.
I don't know what year that was.
joe rogan
I think that was 16 or something.
mark normand
Yeah.
Yeah, 2016. I was running around Nashville.
I was like, let me pop it on this show.
And you guys ripped it.
joe rogan
That was a fun place.
That was a fun hang too, right?
Like those late night, talk till 3 in the morning hangs.
mark normand
Yes!
joe rogan
You know?
mark normand
That was a good fest.
joe rogan
As a comic, like those fun hangs after a show where you're just hanging out and just talking shit.
Because you don't have anywhere to go.
mark normand
I can't leave those.
I'll stay till 5 in the morning.
joe rogan
You have like a fucking noon flight the next day.
mark normand
Yes, exactly!
joe rogan
So just chill out.
unidentified
You can't leave!
joe rogan
Talk shit.
mark normand
It's such a good convo.
Ari's faded.
joe rogan
Sit on the couch.
mark normand
Ari's on another planet.
The weed, the booze, and the liquor.
joe rogan
We got a tomahawk here.
mark normand
Hell yeah.
joe rogan
This shows off the rails.
No, this isn't a throwing one.
This is from The Terminal List, that new Amazon series.
This is Jack Carr Tomahawk.
mark normand
Uh-oh.
joe rogan
The Chris Carr character.
mark normand
Hey, that wasn't bad.
That's something.
unidentified
That was pretty good.
mark normand
I was looking for it.
joe rogan
That was pretty good.
Did you see that video of that guy that jumps out of his fucking car with a hatchet and tries to kill the cop?
mark normand
Pull it up.
shane gillis
No, fire that up.
unidentified
What?
ari shaffir
Hatchet?
joe rogan
This cop is standing there on the side of the road.
This guy pulls his car next to him, stops the car, and the cop is like, what the fuck is going on?
And the cop puts his hand on his gun, and the guy jumps out with a hatchet and runs at the cop.
Watch this.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
This is so wild.
shane gillis
So watch this.
mark normand
Did he scalp him?
shane gillis
Look at him.
Hey.
mark normand
Sorry.
joe rogan
A little scalp joke.
So watch this guy.
So he's sitting here.
He's talking to this person.
He's pulled over.
And this guy just stops the car.
unidentified
The guy stops the car.
joe rogan
Opens the door.
Shuts the door.
And then the cop has got his hands on his gun.
And he jumps out with a fucking hatchet.
mark normand
Oh my god!
Hatchet wound.
shane gillis
Bro, where was he headed?
joe rogan
He jumped out with a fucking hatchet.
unidentified
Wait, but before this guy saw this, he was just out driving.
joe rogan
Right, what was he doing?
ari shaffir
Where was he headed?
shane gillis
Did the cop put him down?
joe rogan
Hey, crime averted beast.
Show the whole video.
ari shaffir
Show that murder.
shane gillis
Show that murder.
joe rogan
Yeah, the cop puts him down instantly.
But I mean, what if that cop wasn't prepared?
What if that cop panicked?
I mean, that guy jumped out with a hatchet.
mark normand
Nurse hatchet.
What about, uh...
joe rogan
Jesus Christ!
mark normand
What about the...
Everybody hates cops.
I feel bad.
They gotta deal with that shit.
Nobody talks about that kind of shit.
joe rogan
Nobody talks about that kind of shit.
shane gillis
The traffic stopping.
The guy with the fucking axe.
joe rogan
How wild is that video, man?
unidentified
That's wild.
ari shaffir
Let me see.
I want to see that fucking put down.
joe rogan
Well, Jamie will show it.
He'll find it.
It's all over Instagram and YouTube.
A bunch of people sent it to me.
It's so wild because imagine that split-second decision.
Is that a guy with a hatchet?
mark normand
I know, right?
joe rogan
Is that a guy with a hatchet?
What the fuck, man?
That's such a fucking weird moment in time where a guy with a hatchet has all of a sudden stopped his car and is running at you.
mark normand
Yeah, we bitch about hecklers.
That's a whole other level.
joe rogan
Is this the full one?
Look at this.
ari shaffir
He gets up casual.
He gets up casual like he's trying to throw it off.
mark normand
Who drives with a backpack on?
shane gillis
Is that a juggalo?
joe rogan
Is this a video or is it just...
Oh, here it is.
shane gillis
Here it goes.
joe rogan
No, this is it.
I've seen this part.
So if they keep it running, you'll see the whole thing.
mark normand
Who is this guy?
joe rogan
Where is he coming from?
He's got his hand on his gun.
He's got his hand on his gun.
He's like, what the fuck is going on?
And the guy runs out with a hatch.
ari shaffir
He's already got it pulled and aimed.
He's like, dude, stop.
joe rogan
Show it to me!
I'm not a baby!
shane gillis
Come on!
mark normand
I'm not a baby!
ari shaffir
I want to see it!
shane gillis
By the way, what a crisp forward he rolled up in, dude.
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
Nice focus.
shane gillis
That thing was clean.
ari shaffir
He pulled over, and that cop was like, wait, what?
joe rogan
There's another recent video.
unidentified
He was ready.
joe rogan
There's another recent video of a guy getting shot, and there's this guy who was fucking with this dude who had a gun.
And the guy with the gun was saying, back off.
Like, get on the fucking ground.
He's like, put your gun down, bitch.
Fight like a man.
And the guy takes off his shirt, and he comes charging at the guy, and the guy shoots him.
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
Oh, my God.
ari shaffir
Are you nuts?
mark normand
It's crazy.
ari shaffir
Are you nuts?
Yes.
joe rogan
Yeah, for sure he's nuts.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
Wow.
joe rogan
And for sure, it's the dumbest thing you could ever do with a guy with a gun.
ari shaffir
What's in their minds, though, of like, I'm going to show the society?
joe rogan
Bro, he might have been on that same myth.
shane gillis
Ari, keep talking.
joe rogan
He might have been on that Hitler myth.
shane gillis
Hold on.
Let Ari speak.
ari shaffir
I'm sorry.
shane gillis
Let the boys speak.
mark normand
Do cops box?
Do they learn boxing?
joe rogan
They don't have to.
But jujitsu is the best thing for cops to learn.
mark normand
Yeah!
joe rogan
You gotta learn that.
unidentified
Easy, Ju.
joe rogan
You gotta learn jujitsu.
shane gillis
Ju-jitsu.
joe rogan
Ju-jitsu.
shane gillis
Hey, hey.
mark normand
Ju-claw.
Remember that Ju-claw?
joe rogan
Yes, Ju-claw.
shane gillis
Ju-jitsu.
ari shaffir
He moved after Jews, but he was like, spelled J-I-U, but we all know what it is.
unidentified
Ju-jitsu-claw.
mark normand
Ah, we know.
ari shaffir
The Ju-claw.
mark normand
Eddie Bravo.
So here it is.
joe rogan
Bang, bang, bang.
ari shaffir
Oh, that guy was like, I'm gonna show the...
Oh, fuck.
mark normand
Well, I mean, that guy had it coming.
joe rogan
I don't know if anybody's had it coming more.
What a wild moment.
Who are you, he says.
I mean, what a weird moment in time.
unidentified
For every time they reach for a hamburger shot, they just gotta show one of these.
mark normand
After that, you've got to let the ticket guy go.
You're like, alright, I was going to give you a speeding ticket, but get out of here.
ari shaffir
He's like, hey, how long do I got to sit here?
joe rogan
Imagine if you're a guy and this is your job.
Your job is that you occasionally might get attacked by a deal with a hatchet.
shane gillis
Imagine being the person getting my taillights out.
ari shaffir
And he's like, wait, oh my god!
mark normand
Defund the hatchet.
joe rogan
By the way, that guy performed perfectly.
The way he backed up, good footwork, excellent execution.
It's just a crazy situation, though.
I mean, what the fuck?
ari shaffir
Who knows the back story?
mark normand
No one saw that coming.
joe rogan
Maybe the back story, like, that's a guy trying to impress his girlfriend.
ari shaffir
He was fucking that guy's wife.
shane gillis
Maybe Jodie Foster needed to get her pussy wet.
joe rogan
Maybe those songs need to be written.
shane gillis
And he was like, it's time for me to kill a cop with an axe.
joe rogan
The universe wanted me to go to jail for 40 years to create these songs.
mark normand
What happened to Jodie Foster?
I'm not getting this.
shane gillis
No, the guy, Ed Hinkley, who shot Reagan.
John.
He was like, this is for Jodie Foster.
mark normand
Oh, did he say that?
ari shaffir
Jodie Foster from a taxi driver.
unidentified
What?
ari shaffir
He was like, that's how I'm defending.
He was obsessing Reagan.
mark normand
I didn't know that.
joe rogan
He was obsessed with her, yeah.
mark normand
Lesbian.
joe rogan
Would-be Reagan assassin John Higley Jr. apologizes to Jodie Foster for trying to tell the president.
shane gillis
By the way, Higley's a real sweetheart.
mark normand
Yeah, the accused.
joe rogan
Imagine being Jodie Foster and knowing that that guy's out now.
mark normand
I know, right?
joe rogan
Like, you've been, like, sleeping good for 22 years.
ari shaffir
I wonder if you wrote her at a problem.
I'm going, like, hey, it's over.
I'm not going to do this.
But here's a real question.
I just want you to know I'm for real not doing this.
Okay, listen, after a few texts, you haven't responded, but I know this is your number.
I verified it.
mark normand
Please look into your heart and give me the last chance to gain your love and respect.
Damn, all the women you're going to pick, Jody?
joe rogan
That's what she said.
shane gillis
At the time, though, Jody was a fox.
ari shaffir
14-year-old Jody?
Top Jody.
shane gillis
If I was about to shoot a fucking president, I'd be like, yo, who's the hottest 14-year-old?
joe rogan
So he was 20-year-old?
mark normand
Hannah Montana.
joe rogan
I got you.
ari shaffir
Okay, acceptable answer.
But you admit it?
shane gillis
For real, can we admit that Hinckley did the right thing?
mark normand
By shooting Reagan?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
No, that's illegal.
It's not the right thing to do with something illegal and shoot the president.
shane gillis
When it comes to gaining a 14-year-old's respect, you didn't need to shoot a president.
joe rogan
How old was she at the time?
Was she really 14?
ari shaffir
I would do anything for you.
Let me prove it.
joe rogan
Was Jodie Foster 14?
shane gillis
No.
mark normand
She was a little older by then.
joe rogan
Oh, he emailed Rolling Stone last year stating, I'm now...
mark normand
Oh shit.
shane gillis
I can't believe you're right.
joe rogan
He emailed Rolling Stone last year stating, I'm now pursuing a music career, I write country songs mostly, and I've just finished two songs.
I'm hoping you'll take an interest in my music career.
mark normand
Get on TikTok.
What's that guy?
shane gillis
There you go.
Are you stealing my empties?
joe rogan
What if he gets really good?
mark normand
He's on the way!
joe rogan
What if he gets out of jail, and gets his shit together, and then all of a sudden starts killing it?
And the songs, you actually hear it on the radio, and you're like, fuck, this is good.
mark normand
It's gonna happen.
joe rogan
Now here's a question.
When was the last time you listened to radio?
ari shaffir
All the time.
shane gillis
Really?
ari shaffir
Every time I get to rent a car.
mark normand
Uber drivers.
ari shaffir
Rent a car.
joe rogan
Just to see what it's like in the town?
ari shaffir
Just flip, see what it hits you with.
unidentified
Okay.
shane gillis
It's actually nice.
ari shaffir
I like this.
shane gillis
It's nice.
ari shaffir
I like it.
No playlist.
Just like, let me see.
joe rogan
Christian music.
ari shaffir
Christian radio.
joe rogan
And they have good sound now, right?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Radio has good sound now, right?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
Don't they have some HD sound?
mark normand
It's all shit.
ari shaffir
Yeah, it's all real.
mark normand
But it's the same as when you change channels on a TV. You're like, hey, Shawshank's on.
shane gillis
It's exciting.
When you're in a hotel and you have to watch the movie.
mark normand
Exactly.
shane gillis
You're like, this is the best movie of all time.
mark normand
It's nice.
joe rogan
But here's the question.
Radio used to be a bad...
It's great.
ari shaffir
What do you guys go to when you're driving in a rest of the car?
joe rogan
What do you guys go to?
Is that even listening to me?
Is it the sound quality?
ari shaffir
Yeah, it's great.
joe rogan
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
mark normand
He's Israel.
joe rogan
But is it as good?
ari shaffir
It's fine.
It's totally fine.
But when you're playing radio in the car, what do you go to?
What do you go like, oh, this stops me.
mark normand
Classic rock.
shane gillis
Harder than it looks, right?
mark normand
Hip-hop.
shane gillis
You drink these many Bud Lights.
joe rogan
He's belligerent!
shane gillis
Everybody's sitting around being like, I could drink that many.
mark normand
I know.
shane gillis
Here's a pedestrian trying.
You're a warrior.
joe rogan
So belligerent.
mark normand
I hope you're not a moil.
unidentified
You gotta cut the wrong dick.
mark normand
If you're this drunk, you're going to cut the whole thing off.
shane gillis
By the way, you can't win this bet.
ari shaffir
No way.
shane gillis
I'm going to make sure you can't win.
ari shaffir
I was ready to quit at four.
mark normand
I'm impressed, though.
Listen to your voice, please.
You're ten.
ari shaffir
I was ready to quit at four.
unidentified
Quit now.
joe rogan
Quit now.
You can't talk.
mark normand
You sound like Harvey Weinstein now.
joe rogan
He can talk so good with all that booze in his system.
That's what's crazy.
ari shaffir
He weighs around ten pounds at least.
shane gillis
What was that?
Fat?
ari shaffir
No.
shane gillis
Was that a fat joke?
ari shaffir
10 pounds.
joe rogan
He said 10 pounds.
unidentified
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. I knew you were going to get nasty.
joe rogan
Shane, don't be what you hate in other people.
mark normand
Oh, Joe.
shane gillis
Shut up.
For real, my favorite, one of my buddies hit me up and was like, the first time you did Rogan, I was like, uh...
Joe, is that funny?
unidentified
Literally, the next time I was like, shut the fuck up!
shane gillis
Thank God.
joe rogan
Imagine being in a place where no one tells you to shut the fuck up.
mark normand
That's a scary place.
joe rogan
That's a scary place for a lot of these guys.
shane gillis
You're close, bro.
mark normand
Well, you must see it with other queefs out there who just blow you.
joe rogan
You just gotta keep doing comedy.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Keep doing stand-up.
mark normand
I gotta be honest, Seinfeld, I was in with him, and I think I got too queefy, and I think he bailed.
ari shaffir
No.
shane gillis
Oh, really?
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
You want to say that on this?
joe rogan
You broke up in a relationship?
ari shaffir
The worst thing is to be a fan to some comic.
shane gillis
Good choice.
joe rogan
What happened?
What'd you do wrong?
mark normand
I think I just texted him too much, and I was too complimentary.
joe rogan
Oh, you got weird.
mark normand
He would hit me with shit, and I was like, I agree, but he wanted me to not agree.
joe rogan
Yeah.
mark normand
And I think I got too...
joe rogan
You got nervous.
mark normand
Yeah, it's like a supermodel.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's hard.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's hard when you meet people that you super, super admire.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
And become friends with them.
I had an issue with that with Bourdain.
I felt really cozy.
unidentified
Really?
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
When I'm mad at him, I really said this to him.
mark normand
You should kill yourself.
joe rogan
I said, hey man, really nice to meet you.
My wife says you're my boyfriend.
unidentified
Oh!
What a fucking dork!
joe rogan
What a fucking dork!
Because I would always watch No Reservations.
And my wife is like, oh, you're watching your boyfriend?
She thought it was funny.
mark normand
Oh, no wonder he ended it.
joe rogan
No, no, that's how I became friends with him.
shane gillis
You want to hear a rough one?
joe rogan
He was cool.
He could handle my fuck-up, my dorkiness.
shane gillis
You want to hear a rough one this week?
mark normand
He was nice.
joe rogan
He was great.
shane gillis
This is a rough one.
joe rogan
Okay, go ahead.
shane gillis
This is a rough one this week.
Jack Harlow, the rapper, DM'd me on Instagram and was like, you're hilarious.
And I was like...
I panicked.
I love Jack Harlow.
joe rogan
Jack Harlow's the shit.
shane gillis
I was like, just so you know, I screenshot this and said this to my girlfriend like, this is a cool thing.
unidentified
Come on!
shane gillis
No, hold on.
Thank Christ for fucking unsend on Instagram.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
I had 15 minutes to unsend it.
ari shaffir
Really?
shane gillis
Yeah, you can unsend.
mark normand
I didn't know that.
joe rogan
Yeah, unsend.
shane gillis
Boys, all those DMs to those girls.
Unsend.
Unsend, fellas.
joe rogan
Can you pull back a dick pic from time and space?
shane gillis
Yeah, you could.
Shh!
mark normand
What if they make a screenshot?
joe rogan
What if they're on their phone 24-7 with notifications on?
And they get a screenshot.
Ari, you're the last person to worry about your dick being out there.
I saw that podcast you did the other day where you took your dick out, you took your shirt off, then you pulled your dick out and you sat down in front of...
Did you continue the podcast with your dick out?
ari shaffir
Entire podcast.
joe rogan
Two hours.
ari shaffir
Two hours.
joe rogan
Sweet dick out.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
He took his pants off.
ari shaffir
He wronged me.
mark normand
He's got a great dick.
joe rogan
I think HR wants to have a conversation with you.
shane gillis
Dude, you ever see that sculpture of Donald Trump?
They put it in fucking Central Park.
mark normand
Tiny dick?
shane gillis
For real, that's my body.
unidentified
What is this?
joe rogan
There's a sculpture in Central Park?
What are you talking about?
shane gillis
I was like, that's actually not that bad.
joe rogan
A jokey sculpture about his body?
shane gillis
Tiny penis and a fat guy.
joe rogan
No, let me see.
mark normand
That was a big thing.
Yeah, pull it up.
joe rogan
Oh my god, that's hilarious.
Oh my god.
That is hilarious.
shane gillis
They put that up.
joe rogan
It is so funny.
It's so funny that the people that want you to accept other people's bodies...
ari shaffir
Is that Gerard behind them?
mark normand
Body shaming.
joe rogan
...will body shame this guy when convenient.
mark normand
That's how it goes.
We pick and choose.
Isn't that weird?
joe rogan
That is really kind of crazy.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
Because you're not really about being kind and compassionate.
You're only about being kind and compassionate with people that agree with you.
If people disagree with you or if you think of them as an existential threat, it's not saying that you shouldn't think of Trump as an existential threat, that's not what I'm saying, but I'm saying when you think of that person as a threat, you conveniently abandon all your values, all humility, all humanity.
All kindness, all compassion.
unidentified
Damn.
joe rogan
You just attack him for having a little dick.
It's the one thing that you can't control over almost anything.
ari shaffir
It's the base value system.
Like, ha-ha, you suck.
joe rogan
Your body sucks.
Look at that.
This guy's holding his finger there.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
shane gillis
He doesn't believe that.
But he does believe that.
That's a funny joke.
joe rogan
Meanwhile, I bet Trump has a regular dick.
Trump's got a hog, dude.
mark normand
Stormy Daniels was alright with it.
shane gillis
Stormy Daniels said it was a bell.
unidentified
Bells?
joe rogan
He had a stroke.
It's the booster.
The middle of a punchline.
mark normand
There you go.
Yeah, Trump's fat.
Everybody's fat now.
joe rogan
But he has so much energy.
I think he's on like a fraction of what Hitler was on.
Just a load.
We got it evened out.
ari shaffir
Wait, we'll see Mussolini and Mao.
joe rogan
Mussolini and then Hitler.
mark normand
Bring it up.
joe rogan
Let's go Mussolini first.
unidentified
Let's go mostly first Oh Shut the fuck up.
shane gillis
Jamie, you know what's going to be better?
It's Where Brooklyn At, Hitler, Mussolini.
joe rogan
What?
shane gillis
I mean, it was one of the oldest videos, so it's probably not funny now, but if you type in Where Brooklyn At, it's the Biggie Tupac freestyle.
You'll see.
mark normand
It used to be funny.
joe rogan
Couldn't we just watch what we were watching?
I thought we were watching Mussolini.
shane gillis
No, I promise you that stuff.
joe rogan
But I wanted to see it.
ari shaffir
Hitler vs.
Mussolini Freestyle.
Okay, let's see it.
Let's see it.
joe rogan
Goddammit, Shane.
ari shaffir
That interrupted.
What are you going to do?
joe rogan
Just let it play out.
shane gillis
Alright.
unidentified
He's not as good as Hitler.
shane gillis
You guys are going to be bummed when you find out I was right.
joe rogan
No, we're going to go to that afterwards, Knucklehead.
unidentified
I dare you call me a Knucklehead, dude.
joe rogan
Call me a fucking Knucklehead, dude.
Knucklehead!
ari shaffir
He's gonna get through his Kaze moment.
unidentified
Those wops.
joe rogan
Back then, they were probably just freaked out that someone could get their voice amplified.
mark normand
Right.
shane gillis
For real?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like, what?
ari shaffir
How are we hearing him?
He's far away.
joe rogan
You know how wild that must have been?
You have to really stop and think about that.
mark normand
Well, what year are we in?
unidentified
40s?
joe rogan
This is the 40s, right?
mark normand
Uh, it's the probably 20s?
ari shaffir
Yeah, maybe 30s.
unidentified
20s?
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
unidentified
One of these clips said he was like the first non-American talking movie, like, picture.
joe rogan
Oh, so this is way...
unidentified
I don't know exactly what you're listening to.
joe rogan
So let's go to Hitler.
mark normand
This is basically a fully loaded set.
It's outdoors.
ari shaffir
Hitler's the best one.
joe rogan
He's the GOAT. Out of all of the horrible human beings that have given evil speeches, he's the GOAT. He's the fucking titty bass.
Because he's the first guy like this that has been amplified.
This is what we're saying.
This is the first guy like this that's been amplified.
I think that has a giant factor in it.
If you think about what he talked people into doing, he's trying to get out of there.
I see where this is going.
unidentified
I'm running.
shane gillis
Props to the one dude out there like...
unidentified
You never hear about that guy.
ari shaffir
It's weird.
joe rogan
But, Jamie, there's some other speeches of Hitler, too, right?
mark normand
I know, I was just trying to find one.
ari shaffir
Hang on the rooftop.
joe rogan
Let's find one more.
mark normand
What about Brooklynette?
joe rogan
There's some ones that are like, what crazy dynamic.
ari shaffir
I'll go with that.
shane gillis
By the way.
joe rogan
But, like, out of evil people.
shane gillis
Yeah, hold on.
joe rogan
Okay, is this it?
unidentified
What the fuck?
mark normand
Oh, now he's bringing up Hitler.
unidentified
I don't know.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
Shane, you son of a bitch.
unidentified
That's funny.
That's fun.
That's fun.
joe rogan
Oh my God.
unidentified
Oh my God.
joe rogan
This is amazing.
unidentified
Wow.
shane gillis
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
mark normand
- Wait for Mooseley. - It's a good set.
unidentified
Oh.
Damn!
mark normand
That looked just like it.
joe rogan
Oh my god, it's incredible.
unidentified
- I'm gonna end it. - Wow! - I'm mad.
joe rogan
That's incredible.
I want you to imagine for a moment a world where Biggie and Tupac never have a feud.
And they just link up and are fun with each other and promote each other.
And tell each other about how great each other is.
mark normand
That's one good thing.
joe rogan
Imagine a world like that.
mark normand
Did you watch the documentary on Biggie?
joe rogan
No.
mark normand
It's fun, because he's like, why are we fighting?
I don't get it.
But it's just such an East Coast, West Coast thing, and there was no internet.
There was no connection.
shane gillis
It always seemed like Biggie was a softer one.
mark normand
Super fat and soft.
ari shaffir
Right, right, right.
joe rogan
But Drew Rock went to art school.
mark normand
So did Hitler.
joe rogan
You ever see the video of Biggie on the corner at like 17?
Biggie standing on the corner at 17?
Pull that up.
unidentified
Killing.
joe rogan
Because it's one of the greatest videos of any performer.
If you think about performers...
Like, about, like, raw, unedited.
Give me this.
Let me hear this.
mark normand
Bed-Stuy.
I lived there for a minute.
joe rogan
Seventeen.
unidentified
Look at that rock and the polo.
shane gillis
It's just a fat guy.
joe rogan
But how good is this fucking flow?
ari shaffir
They're just like Schultz now.
mark normand
Killing on the corner.
shane gillis
I will say this.
joe rogan
Come on, man.
shane gillis
Listen to this.
Nothing better than killing it as a fat person.
unidentified
Yeah.
For real.
joe rogan
But listen to how good his fucking flow is.
mark normand
Seven million views.
shane gillis
Less than the whole cost.
mark normand
No more.
shane gillis
True.
That's what I meant.
unidentified
Yeah.
shane gillis
What happened before?
unidentified
Yeah!
joe rogan
But it's so good.
mark normand
This is before TikTok.
joe rogan
The writing is so good.
ari shaffir
He's an unknown.
joe rogan
He's completely unknown.
He's 17. He's on a street corner.
ari shaffir
It's some guy.
joe rogan
He's in front of a grocery store.
And he's smashing on a corner.
ari shaffir
Smashing.
joe rogan
Smashing.
shane gillis
Biggie does rule.
joe rogan
He rules.
ari shaffir
You ever see those Jews partying videos where they re-dub it?
mark normand
What?
shane gillis
No.
ari shaffir
It's just Jews partying.
shane gillis
No, hold on.
Hold on.
I've shouted him out.
I've shouted him out.
Eggs Tyrone, dude.
Eggs Tyrone.
ari shaffir
Let's see it.
shane gillis
Eggs Tyrone.
Last time we were on, I shouted out Eggs Tyrone.
joe rogan
Are you saying eggs or eggs?
ari shaffir
Are you saying eggs or eggs?
Eggs.
joe rogan
Eggs Tyrone, bro.
unidentified
Eggs Tyrone.
ari shaffir
I've heard of that guy.
I've seen some of his videos.
shane gillis
Barstool just reposted him and didn't credit him.
ari shaffir
They should credit him.
mark normand
Portnoy's a Jew.
ari shaffir
I've seen that.
shane gillis
Another one!
mark normand
Another one!
unidentified
Let's see it.
ari shaffir
It's just Drew's parting to techno music.
Or to rap music.
shane gillis
It was techno.
Eggs put the fucking...
unidentified
Let me hear this.
mark normand
Which one should I do?
ari shaffir
No, no, no, that one!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
shane gillis
Goat.
Pretty sure this is Drew with Downs.
You don't see that?
unidentified
Now what would be the real song, Mari?
shane gillis
It was, uh, techno.
mark normand
That was techno, yeah.
shane gillis
Oh, okay.
No, ex-tyrone.
joe rogan
So, is this real dancing?
ari shaffir
No!
I mean, yeah, it's real dancing.
joe rogan
But this is not for this song?
shane gillis
No.
joe rogan
Well, okay, Ari, what song would they be dancing to?
ari shaffir
No.
unidentified
What about Yanis Mahou or whatever?
For real you play any of these, they rule.
mark normand
Wait a minute.
Isn't that not...
Why is she wearing a burka?
ari shaffir
Error.
joe rogan
Do you not understand what's happening here?
ari shaffir
He just remixes this crazy shit and it matches!
joe rogan
These people are not dancing to these songs.
unidentified
It matches!
joe rogan
They're dancing to completely different songs.
Beats or beats?
mark normand
I just got it.
From the lowest tables.
joe rogan
Mark Norman, slow on the tape.
unidentified
Here we go, here we go.
mark normand
Sorry, I'm out of the drinking.
shane gillis
You wouldn't yet.
mark normand
Three, five, now.
unidentified
Coward.
ari shaffir
Coward.
joe rogan
But Ari, I'm curious as to what do you think that song was that the guys were dancing to?
ari shaffir
Some fucking song.
Some fucking juice song.
joe rogan
Oh, some...
ari shaffir
It's one of the juice-ups.
No, no, no.
joe rogan
He's getting after it, though.
That guy looks like he's really feeling good.
mark normand
The Haka Flocka loves it.
ari shaffir
Get the one in the back of the bus.
That's the best one.
joe rogan
All right, listen, boys.
I have to piss, so I'm going to leave for a moment.
And I take no responsibility for anything from this point until I return.
It's all on you guys.
shane gillis
That guy actually does play techno.
ari shaffir
Go to the back of the bus.
The one in the back of the bus.
The Jews in the back of the bus was the best one.
mark normand
You're thinking of Rosa Parkstein.
shane gillis
Yes, that's what I was going to say.
ari shaffir
This channel or the other one?
mark normand
All right.
Edward.
unidentified
All right.
Just Google the Jews back of the bus.
shane gillis
Mark, dude, that's not cool.
mark normand
Ah, don't scare me.
ari shaffir
Mark, a line was crossed.
shane gillis
Mark, even joking about it's not cool.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
shane gillis
It's just the three of us.
How do you think you're doing, dude?
ari shaffir
Oh, goodbye.
unidentified
Oh, my God.
mark normand
Wow, you're fucking belligerent.
ari shaffir
I got nothing.
shane gillis
You stink.
mark normand
We might be drunk.
Tuesdays with stories.
Out to lunch.
Shane Gillis on YouTube.
Secret Shane, prod, anal Finish my tour Bar mitzvah Finish my tour Can you hand me the water?
I haven't had any water in about six months.
Take me the water there, will you there?
unidentified
How you doing?
shane gillis
Harry, how are you doing?
mark normand
Jamie.
ari shaffir
Where are we at right now?
shane gillis
A lot of people joke around and say, Bud Lights, that's not that much.
ari shaffir
What are we at?
shane gillis
Boy, oh boy.
Does it catch up to you?
unidentified
Five?
mark normand
10. Hold on.
14. I'm hurting.
I'm hurting.
I can feel it.
We got a show tonight.
We're doing Kill Tony.
shane gillis
Oh, Kill Tony.
mark normand
By the way, that's going to get ugly.
shane gillis
Tony Hinchcliffe.
What a gay guy that I should hate.
Turns out, he does kind of rule.
mark normand
Kills on stage.
shane gillis
Boy, oh boy, does that guy kill.
mark normand
Hell of a car.
shane gillis
That car stinks.
unidentified
That car bothers me.
shane gillis
He was like, Shane, do you want to look at my Corvette?
ari shaffir
They were like, check this out.
I can start it from far away.
shane gillis
He's like, I can start it from here in the green room.
ari shaffir
I'm like, dude, you're a dork.
You're a dork.
shane gillis
Yo, he's a dork, but man.
That motherfucker kills, dude.
ari shaffir
He's a dork.
mark normand
He does well on stage.
That's all I care about.
shane gillis
We were just talking about Tony.
unidentified
I was listening.
I was listening.
joe rogan
I've never heard anybody do a better Tony Hitchfield impression.
Give me another one.
Give me another one.
mark normand
Tell me about the Corvette.
shane gillis
Hold on.
First of all, this is how Tony talks to me every day.
He's like, you know, New York's not great.
unidentified
Oh my God.
The food scene in Austin is the best in the world.
mark normand
We get it, you like Dave Attell.
shane gillis
That was actually the best joke he's not ever had.
mark normand
The shoes?
shane gillis
That joke fucking killed, bro.
unidentified
That was a good joke.
Good joke.
shane gillis
Because that roast, Lewis's roast.
unidentified
Ooh.
shane gillis
I went in on him.
A little bit.
joe rogan
Yeah, you went hard.
shane gillis
I didn't know it was mean.
ari shaffir
You went hard.
mark normand
It was mean.
unidentified
He went hard.
mark normand
It was real mean.
shane gillis
Shane went hard.
mark normand
I was watching that in a hotel like, damn.
ari shaffir
Jesus, Shane.
joe rogan
How could you have any idea what the fuck you're saying when you're 15 beers deep?
shane gillis
Right now?
ari shaffir
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. You're 16. You gotta start starting this podcast two hours in and then put the first two hours on the back.
joe rogan
Listen to Slurry McFuckstick over there.
ari shaffir
I'm doing it right now!
You gotta start starting these podcasts two hours in and then put the first two hours on the back.
shane gillis
It is hard to talk when you drink a little.
mark normand
Palsy?
joe rogan
First two hours on the back.
Yeah, brilliant.
Write it down.
shane gillis
Rewind, dude.
I didn't speak for the first 45 minutes.
mark normand
I noticed.
shane gillis
It's good to have you on the pod.
Yeah, bro.
It's good to have you.
Shut up, Mark.
unidentified
You bitch.
joe rogan
Can I just say while I'm drunk and high, I'm so happy we do these.
mark normand
Yeah!
shane gillis
Dude, these are so fun.
joe rogan
They make me so happy.
They make me so happy.
Because they're so wild.
This is what we would really do.
If you allowed us to do whatever we'd want to talk shit, this is what we'd do.
This is exactly how we'd do it.
We'd get high, we'd get drunk, we'd talk shit.
mark normand
Hell yeah.
shane gillis
This is just guys talking, dude.
mark normand
Shaking things up.
joe rogan
It's what we used to do.
It's what people used to do.
It was fun.
mark normand
Michael J. Fox.
joe rogan
But, you know, to be able to do it in this day and age, it's like, how dare you?
mark normand
Sorry, I like MJF. He's a great guy.
Great guy, cute, little, shaky, alive.
joe rogan
Back to the Future was an awesome movie.
mark normand
He's still going.
joe rogan
Still going.
Still going.
mark normand
Good for him.
joe rogan
A lot of people have tapped out.
ari shaffir
If you told me he was dead two years ago, I'd be like, wait, I missed it?
mark normand
There's a lot of that.
People are dying.
You just go, ah, how about that?
Betty White died.
unidentified
Right?
ari shaffir
Two years ago.
joe rogan
Yeah.
mark normand
Oh, shit.
shane gillis
Damn, you did fucking good, bro.
mark normand
Good.
He's sleeping at the mic.
shane gillis
I'm telling you.
That's pretty good.
mark normand
He's hugging it like a dick.
joe rogan
I'm telling you.
He's fucking competitive.
ari shaffir
I wanted to get to half.
shane gillis
What a stupid psycho.
joe rogan
You definitely got half.
We would gamble a little bit with Ari, and I would give him a certain amount of balls.
I had to make the nine ball, but he could make the seven, eight, or the nine.
unidentified
Seven wilds?
joe rogan
Yeah, and he would win a lot.
ari shaffir
Not wild.
7, 8, 9, not wild.
shane gillis
Yeah, it's a lot of balls.
I'll never forget the first time I did this podcast and you and me played pool after.
mark normand
Oh, that's a power move.
shane gillis
He rocked me in pool.
ari shaffir
Rocks you.
He doesn't go like, hey, you want to have a pool?
He's like, let me make sure you're okay.
He's like, no, no, I'm going to try to work with you.
shane gillis
Bro, I was literally, there was a moment I was like, which one should I aim for?
And he was like, It's a competitive game.
unidentified
I was like, yo, you're a monster.
mark normand
Yeah, you're competitive.
shane gillis
And then he left and I was just like, what the fuck did I do on that last one?
mark normand
How about with the antibodies?
He's like, look at my antibodies.
shane gillis
That was my favorite thing, dude.
joe rogan
Nobody's got him better than Jamie, though.
I tapped Jamie.
mark normand
Really?
unidentified
By the way.
joe rogan
To this day, they're like a fat Sharpie line.
I'm not kidding.
He's got superhuman antibodies.
You gotta understand this, but let me put it in perspective.
Jamie got COVID in October of 2020. Jamie got COVID once in October of 2020. And Jamie, for whatever reason, retains these wild antibodies, and he keeps getting a new line like he fought it off, but he never gets sick.
mark normand
He keeps fucking Chinese chicks.
I've been drinking.
shane gillis
You know what's funny?
joe rogan
I don't think fucking is enough anymore.
I think they recommend other activity.
Ass-eating.
Fecal matter has been implanted into other folks and it improves your gut biome, so there's that.
ari shaffir
Eat fecal matter?
Be healthy?
joe rogan
No, not eating it.
They usually use a suppository.
They stuff it up your butt.
mark normand
By the way, I used to wet the bed.
unidentified
I think.
joe rogan
No, I'm wrong.
No, no, no.
I think I should take pills.
I think you have to take a pill.
Hold on, you wet the bed?
mark normand
I used to wet the bed as a kid.
joe rogan
I was wrong.
mark normand
And my dad is so scary and old school that he's like, you're not peeing for hours.
I'm going to hold a stopwatch.
I haven't peed, by the way.
I haven't peed.
I got a bladder like an old camel.
ari shaffir
True.
mark normand
Yeah.
I already looked like a camel.
shane gillis
It's because he had four drinks, dude.
joe rogan
Fecal transplantation.
mark normand
I better put down whiskeys.
shane gillis
This is my favorite.
joe rogan
Look at this.
mark normand
And I shotgunned two beers.
shane gillis
Look at the ounces.
mark normand
This is more alcohol.
joe rogan
But he's a normal person size.
You're bigger and Ari is just an animal.
Look at what it says.
Fecal transplantation is the transfer of stool from a healthy donor into the gastrointestinal tract for the purpose of treating recurrent C. diviculi colitis.
mark normand
I had a virus.
unidentified
Ari's going.
Where are you going with that booze bottle?
joe rogan
Don't piss in the bottle, you son of a bitch!
mark normand
He's going to recycle that juice.
joe rogan
He always pisses in the bottle.
shane gillis
You know what's nice?
joe rogan
Tell him to go to the bathroom.
shane gillis
We knew this was going to happen.
mark normand
You can hear you, but he's not going to.
He can hear us in the bathroom.
shane gillis
Isn't it fun?
joe rogan
He's going to stuff his dick in that bottle.
shane gillis
We knew he was going to die.
mark normand
Oh, he's done.
joe rogan
Shane, that's not fair.
shane gillis
For real?
For real, we were walking and he was like, when we were walking to the barbecue place, he was like, I'll drink as many as you tomorrow.
And I was like...
joe rogan
That's so crazy to say.
shane gillis
Okay.
joe rogan
That's so crazy to say.
shane gillis
I was going to take it easy.
mark normand
He's going to go to an old folks home and die with Cuomo.
joe rogan
But he took 10 years off his life tonight.
shane gillis
That's pretty funny.
mark normand
He really did.
shane gillis
And then we got to go do another show.
joe rogan
Do you hear how he's struggling with words?
He's like in a wrestling match with his lips.
It's so not fair.
It's like if I pulled him aside and told him that he could do this, I would be a real piece of shit.
Imagine if I'm like, dude, you can do it.
I know you.
Imagine?
But you just let him try.
mark normand
You're a bad friend.
joe rogan
You should have told him.
shane gillis
I'm a bad friend?
mark normand
An enabler.
joe rogan
You should have said, Ari, I love you.
I love you.
It's just not an ego thing.
Let's let it go.
mark normand
I mean, I'm impressed that he's done this much.
joe rogan
That's not impressive.
That's liver damage.
shane gillis
That's crazy.
mark normand
Well, for him, he's 78. You know, this is good.
unidentified
He's back.
mark normand
He's on Social Security.
He's back.
Uh-oh, he's back.
You didn't even pee.
unidentified
Hold on.
mark normand
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. Is it like a...
joe rogan
But you can't keep piss, right?
It'll smell horrible.
You can't store it somewhere.
mark normand
You look like the bad guy in the Smurfs.
joe rogan
Ari, please don't tell me you took a bottle of your piss and stuffed it into the cabinet.
ari shaffir
It's out there.
joe rogan
Where is it?
ari shaffir
It's right outside.
I'm sorry.
mark normand
Why'd you take the bottle?
joe rogan
Why'd you pee in that bottle?
ari shaffir
Why didn't you just go to the bathroom?
I don't know.
mark normand
I got more if you need it.
I don't know!
joe rogan
Okay, from now on, do me a favor and just go to the bathroom.
ari shaffir
Fair enough.
joe rogan
Did you piss on the floor a little bit?
ari shaffir
No.
mark normand
Don't lie.
joe rogan
Come on, not even a dribble?
ari shaffir
That'll suck.
joe rogan
Did you blot it on your pants?
ari shaffir
Not at all.
joe rogan
How'd you stop your stream?
I don't buy it.
ari shaffir
Full piss.
shane gillis
I love that this podcast started out with like, woke culture's got a swing, right?
joe rogan
Jamie's going to sniff the carpet.
Jamie's like a fucking bloodhound.
He's out there sniffing.
He's got a jug of piss.
There's a jug of a half-sized bottle of Buffalo Trace filled with piss.
ari shaffir
It was a lie.
joe rogan
What is wrong with you?
And it's a big-ass bottle.
That was a giant bottle.
mark normand
Big bottle.
joe rogan
Jesus, Harry.
That's not necessary as a grown adult.
ari shaffir
Come on.
joe rogan
You pay taxes.
unidentified
You're respectable.
mark normand
You pay taxes.
joe rogan
What was I talking about before?
We're crazy.
shane gillis
Why use the bathroom?
joe rogan
Why are you at your friend's studio?
Why are you just pissing a bottle?
mark normand
I don't know where I am.
I thought this was Marin.
shane gillis
You're sober as a judge.
mark normand
No, no.
You've watched me.
shane gillis
You had a sip, you coward.
mark normand
And I've done two shotguns.
Ari's sleeping.
joe rogan
Ari's dead, bro.
Ari's dead.
shane gillis
He was chasing that five grand.
joe rogan
Yeah, they're going to get you another liver, Ari.
You hang in there.
shane gillis
You're just chasing it, boy.
mark normand
The liver's very resilient.
joe rogan
Yeah, your lever is like Hiroshima right now, son.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Your lever's getting bombed on.
mark normand
It's like Drakow.
I think that's a camp.
unidentified
Drakow, not Drakow.
mark normand
Oh, Drakow.
Sorry.
Sorry to your dad.
What'd you say?
joe rogan
I said, even while drunk.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
What is this?
Oh, sorry.
unidentified
I don't play a pistol.
mark normand
It's a security camera.
joe rogan
You got it on camera, you fucking idiot.
I'm selling your dick to the highest bidder.
What the fuck?
What?
What do you think?
You're in a low security place?
mark normand
Oh, that's some fucking...
joe rogan
Don't you see all the train killers running around this place?
mark normand
What's that guy's name who got busted on E.T. television?
What?
joe rogan
Why are you pissing in my hallway is a better question.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Why are you recording in the hallway when I can piss there?
Because you never know who's coming to the fucking hallway, Ari.
You don't think someone's going to be pissing out there.
Your behavior's not normal.
It's not against the law.
There's security cameras.
unidentified
That's your...
mark normand
That's your Ray Rice video.
joe rogan
It's the hallway in my place of work, not the place where you piss.
unidentified
What are you guys doing?
shane gillis
That was so quick, dude.
Obviously you piss in the hallway.
mark normand
Why do you have foreskin?
shane gillis
Didn't you make a covenant with God, dude?
mark normand
I know, what the fuck?
joe rogan
He wasn't ready.
mark normand
I saw your dick.
joe rogan
He was noncommittal.
mark normand
What's that guy's name?
Pat something.
He was on E, or A&E, or ET. What happened?
He went drunk and he did like a Mel Gibson.
Give it a gook there, J-Lo.
shane gillis
By the way, props to Mel Gibson.
mark normand
Pat Roberts.
unidentified
Oh, oh, oh.
mark normand
Pat Buchanan.
Pat O'Reilly.
No, close.
Pat O'Reilly, maybe.
Irish motherfucker.
Hold on.
There's a video of him.
ari shaffir
Pat O'Brien.
joe rogan
Pat O'Brien.
shane gillis
Maybe we shouldn't all drink on these.
joe rogan
Yeah, we'll probably not play that.
Oh, okay, okay.
I guess, uh...
mark normand
It's public.
joe rogan
Did he call somebody and leave a message?
mark normand
Yeah, and he was just hammered.
He had a real problem, and that's what Ari...
Look at Ari!
He's out to lunch!
unidentified
Imagine thinking that he could keep up with you.
mark normand
And he smoked weed, though.
joe rogan
But here's what's really crazy, Shane, is your ability to just power through with perfect elocution.
shane gillis
Thank you.
joe rogan
We gotta get Ari to a bathroom before he pukes.
unidentified
You gotta imagine he didn't smoke weed, though!
mark normand
He didn't even smoke weed!
joe rogan
Don't grab the mic like that, no one can understand what you're saying.
shane gillis
He didn't even smoke weed!
joe rogan
All of a sudden he becomes a rapper.
ari shaffir
Don't act like it's nothing!
shane gillis
Don't ruin the JRE experience, dude.
joe rogan
Wow, he's going to keep drinking.
Interesting.
So much from my theory about European Jews.
mark normand
I thought you guys were tough.
shane gillis
Tough as hell, dude.
mark normand
What the hell, man?
joe rogan
But it was the intelligence.
unidentified
There's water there.
You can still go if you drink water.
You can keep going.
joe rogan
But if you have to throw up...
unidentified
All the 14, 15, 16-year-olds out there...
ari shaffir
You gotta coast.
mark normand
Epstein's Island.
shane gillis
Shout out to all the 15-year-olds.
ari shaffir
Shout out to 15-year-olds.
mark normand
Kevin Spacey.
ari shaffir
The one thing I wanna teach you is, you're drinking, you gotta coast.
You gotta coast.
You already feeling buzzed.
shane gillis
Drink water.
mark normand
Play R. Kelly.
ari shaffir
I'm telling you, coast.
unidentified
I believe I can fly.
joe rogan
I feel like we should all snap at that.
Sage words from Ari Shapiro.
shane gillis
I don't know if you guys know this.
I didn't know it.
The last one we did, they were like, I don't know if you guys know this, you guys did R. Kelly last time.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
Oh, that's embarrassing.
joe rogan
What do you mean?
shane gillis
It is embarrassing.
When we get together, we talk about the same shit.
joe rogan
Hey, listen, listen, listen.
shane gillis
Hey, listen, listen.
mark normand
He brings up elk every week.
joe rogan
Don't read.
Anything.
ari shaffir
Don't listen.
joe rogan
This is the greatest thing I do.
I've done a lot of shit.
This is the greatest thing I do.
mark normand
Post and ghost.
joe rogan
Post and ghost.
Here we go.
Real talk.
shane gillis
Jamie.
joe rogan
We're gonna keep going.
No!
We're gonna keep going.
He's farting into the microphone.
Listen to me.
unidentified
Who gives a fuck?
joe rogan
No one gives a fuck.
This is better.
It's better to talk about the same shit.
It's better to talk about whatever the fuck you want to talk about when you're talking about it.
Whether that's something you already brought up or not.
Who fucking cares?
This is one of the greatest music videos of all time.
Real talk.
We made this a regular part of this motherfucking podcast than soapy.
unidentified
Every time we get fucked up, we're like, yo, play RK. Yo, play it.
joe rogan
We're just trying to establish with you.
mark normand
Don't play this again.
joe rogan
Shut the fuck up, Norman.
mark normand
We gotta mix it up.
unidentified
Listen to this.
joe rogan
Hold on, please.
mark normand
Oh, we've heard it.
unidentified
It's pretty funny.
Don't tell me this.
mark normand
Give me that Barocca.
unidentified
How the fuck you know I was with them other girls?
shane gillis
Yeah, she knows that.
joe rogan
Don't hate on the timing, bro.
unidentified
The timing was amazing.
joe rogan
I know you've heard it before, Mark Norma, but you gotta...
mark normand
We gotta mix it up.
joe rogan
Yeah, occasionally.
But sometimes not.
shane gillis
No, it's nice.
It's nice that every single time we get hammered, we go back to fucking...
ari shaffir
To R. Kelly.
shane gillis
We're like, yo, fire up R. Kelly.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Imagine what it was like before people were filming.
Imagine how decadent people were back in, like, the old Shakespearean play days.
mark normand
Better time.
ari shaffir
Nothing was recorded.
mark normand
Like, Sinatra was just doing crazy shit.
He was hitting women and all this stuff, and he never got in trouble.
joe rogan
What are you showing us, Jamie?
mark normand
Got you in the closet.
Don't do it!
Don't do the midget!
unidentified
Don't you fucking do it!
Don't do it, Jamo!
Jamie!
mark normand
That guy's dead.
joe rogan
Jamie's hammered.
ari shaffir
I know.
joe rogan
What a bummer, man.
I know.
ari shaffir
That's a chick from...
It's always sunny.
mark normand
Great actor.
Is she?
ari shaffir
Is it Artemis?
mark normand
Wait a minute.
joe rogan
Here we go.
mark normand
It still holds up.
unidentified
Look at the cabin.
No space bits.
It's nuts.
It's nutty.
ari shaffir
How is that thing?
And it goes away.
joe rogan
Oh, God.
mark normand
Well, they held it for the next one.
unidentified
I didn't know that.
joe rogan
I wish he wasn't a sex criminal.
mark normand
It's a shame.
unidentified
Hold on.
mark normand
He's a brilliant man.
joe rogan
It's just so crazy.
mark normand
He's an artist.
ari shaffir
He's an artist.
He does what he wants.
joe rogan
It's like parody without knowing that you're making a parody.
mark normand
Yes, exactly.
joe rogan
There's something genius about it.
ari shaffir
Is that?
joe rogan
There's something.
But do you think he knew that it was funny?
mark normand
No.
That's why it's so good.
joe rogan
You don't think so?
mark normand
He doesn't know.
I mean, there's a little comedy.
ari shaffir
Is that Bushuk Bill or not?
joe rogan
No.
mark normand
We did that already.
This is all reruns.
ari shaffir
I don't remember anything.
joe rogan
This is a rerun.
Well, you had 85 beers.
ari shaffir
Fair.
joe rogan
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 beers in.
mark normand
I'm impressed.
joe rogan
That is insanity.
mark normand
Good for you, man.
At your age, and you're...
joe rogan
Please stop, because you're going to have to throw up.
unidentified
I will stop.
mark normand
Puke on the show.
Puke on the show.
joe rogan
Don't try to keep up with this fucking animal.
This guy doesn't even lose his ability to form sentences.
unidentified
He's fine.
mark normand
He's got a problem.
ari shaffir
He's fine.
I've had a couple shots.
joe rogan
Does he have a problem or do we have a problem?
No, he has no problem.
Like if a guy's running marathons and we like run around the block and we get tired.
ari shaffir
Yeah, who has a problem really?
joe rogan
Who has a problem?
ari shaffir
The guy who doesn't run marathons has a problem.
joe rogan
The marathon guy seems like he's fine.
mark normand
It's me.
But if he doesn't drink a Bud Light every four hours, I think he might crumble.
joe rogan
But he seems fine.
ari shaffir
He's fine.
You can't say that these rules apply to normal people.
joe rogan
Not to him, not to Bert.
He's really fucking funny.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like, that guy, we did Irvine, the improv together.
It was the first time I worked with him.
I saw him do a long set.
He's fucking funny.
mark normand
He made me laugh.
joe rogan
He made me laugh hard.
If that's what it takes, Stephen King made his best shit when he was smoking cigarettes and doing coke.
mark normand
Who?
joe rogan
Stephen King.
mark normand
Oh, yeah, that's right.
joe rogan
His best shit.
He was getting hammered.
ari shaffir
At the cellar, when everyone's just like equal, next person, next person, he's...
Rush.
mark normand
He's a killer.
joe rogan
He's an animal.
mark normand
Great comic.
joe rogan
We had him at the Vulcan.
Well, you guys were all there.
He's a fucking animal.
mark normand
How does Will Smith feel now, though?
ari shaffir
How does he feel now?
mark normand
Can you imagine Will Smith after all this?
How does he feel?
unidentified
Terrible.
joe rogan
Terrible.
ari shaffir
He's like, I shouldn't have done it.
joe rogan
100%.
I think there's an article that was talking to Samuel Jackson backstage saying that he couldn't believe he did it right after he did it.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, it's like he just, he lost his shit, man.
ari shaffir
He's fucking some chick.
He's fucking some chick and he's like, I gotta do it.
mark normand
But how do you deal with that later?
We've all been yelled at online and had that, and that It hurts.
It hurts your feelings.
joe rogan
I think there's a danger to being that popular.
There's a real danger to having that much charm and all these people love you and you feel like you can almost get away with anything.
And then you add that to whatever complications that relationship brings and you get this weird combination Also, Chris Rock had a history of very mild but hilarious jokes about Jada.
Very mild, very mild, but hilarious.
ari shaffir
It's like, shut up, who cares?
That's not a reason.
joe rogan
How belligerent he is!
shane gillis
It's not a reason.
joe rogan
No, no, no, I'm definitely not saying it's a reason.
It might be a reason for action.
It's not a justified reason.
mark normand
Right.
joe rogan
But there was obviously some sort of a conversation because...
Will Smith laughed and Jada Pinkett did not and she looked at him and then he went on stage.
He made like this split second decision.
unidentified
He's a bitch defending his fucking dumb cunt.
joe rogan
That was Ari Shafir, and he is under the influence of drugs.
And just like he's not willing to consent to sex, he's not willing to consent to these words.
ari shaffir
He had a great time!
He laughed!
And he's like, oh, fuck.
She's dumb, fucking cunt.
Unhappy.
I gotta go slap this dumb guy who's way weaker than me, because my dumb fucking bitch is unhappy.
mark normand
You're like my dad at a soccer game.
joe rogan
He's gonna keep going.
He's 15 drinks in, he's gonna keep going.
shane gillis
A lot of guys think they can drink Bud Lights.
Look at this guy.
joe rogan
How are you so good?
ari shaffir
He's fake Sinatra right now.
shane gillis
A lot of guys sit around and go, man, Bud Light, what's that, water?
unidentified
Ooh-wee.
shane gillis
You find out.
joe rogan
Well, he had whiskey too, man.
ari shaffir
Not enough.
joe rogan
Oh, okay.
mark normand
But weed!
joe rogan
He had weed.
He had weed.
mark normand
What are you, 17?
16?
I can't count.
I'm seeing double.
But Will Smith, we've all had a drunk night where you go, oh, what did I say?
I don't think he was drunk, man.
I know, I'm just saying.
joe rogan
I think he just blew a fuse and didn't, you know, sometimes you just...
Imagine being a guy who's going there to win the fucking Academy Award and you think you're untouchable.
mark normand
But the after effect.
We've all had a drunken night where you're like, I texted that?
Oh, shit.
I fucking suck.
I hate myself.
joe rogan
It must be horrendous.
mark normand
It's gotta be horrendous.
joe rogan
Horrendous.
But I think that if he just admits that and talks about it in a really open and honest way, people will embrace that and forgive him and they'll be- Just say it.
Say your story.
Say that was wrong.
unidentified
Way wrong.
joe rogan
They'll connect with him as a human.
mark normand
Yes.
unidentified
Yes.
joe rogan
Because that was like a human moment.
It was a human moment.
mark normand
Totally.
joe rogan
It's a weird place to be, to be a guy like Will Smith and to have the gall to go on stage and smack one of the greatest comics ever and then just sit down and then say, leave my wife's name out of your fucking mouth.
That's crazy.
mark normand
Crazy.
joe rogan
He clearly blew a fuse.
And his interface where he connected with the way the world looks at him was way off.
mark normand
Way off.
joe rogan
Way off.
That was a crazy thing to do.
That was so insane.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
And now the Elijah whatever guy, the Chappelle tackle guy.
He's in jail.
joe rogan
Yeah, well, he tried to murder his roommate.
mark normand
That's right.
joe rogan
Yeah, in December.
ari shaffir
A separate thing?
joe rogan
Yeah, separate.
shane gillis
What a fucking idiot.
mark normand
I know.
joe rogan
Well, he was a problem.
ari shaffir
Just move out.
joe rogan
Maybe you should fucking move out.
unidentified
You should fucking move out.
joe rogan
Have you ever had a roommate and be like, fuck you!
ari shaffir
No, fuck you!
Just put your shit back over there!
I'm doing it for you!
joe rogan
Roommates can be awesome.
They can be awesome, though.
ari shaffir
They can be.
joe rogan
It's fun.
But the problem is when they're awesome, you ain't getting shit done.
mark normand
You got that right.
joe rogan
If you live in a house full of dudes and you're all having a good time, you're not getting a goddamn thing done.
mark normand
I lived in a house with five guys in college.
We had a poker night every Monday.
We had a hot tub.
It was fucking awesome.
unidentified
Sucked and fucked.
mark normand
But nobody did shit.
Nobody did the dishes.
joe rogan
Those years fly by.
Those years fly by.
If you've got a thing you're trying to do, they're great.
Don't get me wrong.
But if you have a thing you're trying to do, like comedy or something like that, and you live in a house where it's really fun.
mark normand
Forget about it.
joe rogan
It's hard.
It's hard to be disciplined.
mark normand
It is.
shane gillis
I'm more of a disciplined guy myself.
I'm a big disciplined guy.
Ari, you're a big disciplined guy.
joe rogan
Well, he's disciplined himself into 15 beers.
unidentified
Absolutely.
ari shaffir
Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups.
All day, every day, you get massive gains.
joe rogan
Are you a fan of creatine, or do you just like to eat kosher?
ari shaffir
Dude, you're unfocusing yourself for massive gains.
shane gillis
Holy shit.
joe rogan
This is the only time Ari has ever been drunk publicly, by the way.
mark normand
Finally!
joe rogan
I don't think he's ever been this hammered publicly.
mark normand
Throw it!
joe rogan
You almost hit a camera, man.
shane gillis
I'm more of a dirty bulk guy myself.
ari shaffir
I like it.
joe rogan
You barely missed that camera.
shane gillis
Ari, I'm a big dirty bulk guy, dude.
joe rogan
Dirty bulk?
Shane's getting jacked, son.
mark normand
Jacked.
ari shaffir
Shane gets more eloquent as he drinks beers.
His standard is 9, so anything above or below 9 is like, what's the difference?
unidentified
16 is less than 0 below 9. Right now, Michael Lehrer is making fun of the way you talk.
mark normand
Who?
shane gillis
Michael Lehrer, the goat.
ari shaffir
The goat.
shane gillis
You'll see him tonight, dude.
joe rogan
That guy's got courage.
unidentified
Who's that?
joe rogan
He's hilarious.
mark normand
He's funny.
joe rogan
He's got Lou Gehrig's, right?
ari shaffir
Tell me one more, someone in a wheelchair, who's funnier than him.
mark normand
Stephen Hawking.
He cheated on his wife.
shane gillis
Well, did he?
ari shaffir
Yes!
mark normand
Pull it up!
joe rogan
Well, he definitely liked ladies.
shane gillis
Which is fascinating.
joe rogan
You know who explained that to me?
Eric Weinstein.
He said there's people who can't move their body, but they still get aroused.
And then there's people who don't feel anything.
And he couldn't move his body, but he still got aroused.
mark normand
My girlfriend feels nothing.
But wait, pull up the honking, man.
He cheated on his wife.
shane gillis
Girlfriend.
joe rogan
Hey, I want to ask you something about that little BMW you have.
I love that fucking car.
Is that a 2002?
mark normand
02, 1973. It runs like a fucking champ!
joe rogan
It's such a beautiful little car.
shane gillis
Shout out to the two dudes you didn't drink today.
joe rogan
I drank.
I've been drinking.
I love cars, man.
I've been wanting to talk to Norman about this ever since I saw his Instagram pictures.
mark normand
I should have brought it up.
ari shaffir
I love that car.
joe rogan
I like cars!
Norman does too!
That's a beautiful little car, man.
Guys, seriously.
This car is a perfect size car.
It's intimate.
It feels like you're in a toy.
mark normand
That's right!
joe rogan
You're driving it around.
It's like you're in a ride.
Mark Norman is in a ride.
And it's not particularly fast.
It doesn't handle all that great.
shane gillis
Not great.
joe rogan
But what it does is, it represents this weird connection between a person and a machine.
mark normand
You got that right.
unidentified
And it put BMW back on the map.
joe rogan
Look at this!
You don't understand.
Look at this fucking car.
This is a dope-ass little car.
mark normand
Thank you!
joe rogan
I love it.
mark normand
I love to drive shtick on this car, by the way.
joe rogan
I got a boner looking at these videos.
I was thinking about getting one myself.
mark normand
Yeah, you drive through the village.
shane gillis
It's such a great little car.
You ever hop in a 2018 Chevy Cruze?
unidentified
Hit the next page.
mark normand
I'm geeking out.
joe rogan
You guys don't understand what this is.
This is a beautiful little car.
shane gillis
It's just gay as fuck.
joe rogan
I'm not gay.
shane gillis
So I drive a fucking Chevy Cruze, dude.
joe rogan
What's a Chevy Cruze?
shane gillis
Google Chevy Cruze, dude.
joe rogan
We talked about this too, didn't we?
mark normand
No, I don't think so.
joe rogan
I think we did.
mark normand
I think it's another repeat.
joe rogan
He looks great.
I think it's like a hybrid, right?
unidentified
Oh boy, it's nice.
mark normand
Chevy Cruze?
That's like a rental car.
That's where you get at the rental.
shane gillis
It's a tight little ride.
ari shaffir
Top level rental car.
joe rogan
Listen, Mark Norman is in like a time machine when he's driving that car around.
mark normand
Dude, I'm all over it.
It's so fun to shift it.
It's good time.
It's no cruise.
shane gillis
That's a fucking vehicle.
mark normand
That's a Ted Cruz.
shane gillis
Oh, what a nice ride.
joe rogan
That's what you like?
shane gillis
And by the way, do you hate Apple Play?
joe rogan
Let me ask you a question.
Do you hate life?
I know you make some money, so I want to show you something.
Pull up a 2022 Shelby Mustang GT500. Uh-oh.
This is what you need in your life.
shane gillis
No, I'm big into it.
joe rogan
Look at me.
And look at that.
Uh-oh.
This is like 900 horsepower?
That's a Cobra.
900 fucking horsepower!
mark normand
Who needs that?
joe rogan
Shane, listen to me.
Do you want to have fun?
Do you want to be in a car where every time you hit the gas, you're alive?
You feel it?
You don't have to drive fast.
You just know you're riding a fucking American-made dragon.
You're riding an American-made dragon around the city.
shane gillis
What were you about to say, Mark?
unidentified
Why are you driving a golf cart?
mark normand
He needs a Tesla.
Because after the beers, it can drive itself.
You're good to go.
joe rogan
I would recommend a driver and not drive drunk with a Tesla.
But I would say that if you're going to drive a car sober, this is what you need in your life, Shane Killis.
You need a goddamn Mustang.
mark normand
Oh, he's got a helmet on.
joe rogan
A real one.
Look at that.
mark normand
He has to.
joe rogan
That thing goes zero to 60 in three seconds.
shane gillis
It's a retarded guy drive.
joe rogan
That's a preposterously fast vehicle, and it's fun.
It's fun.
mark normand
I don't like new cars.
joe rogan
The thing you drive is boring as fuck.
mark normand
New cars are boring.
joe rogan
Click on that silver with the black stripes and the right-hand corner.
Yeah, look at that.
mark normand
Yeah, it's like a woman.
joe rogan
Imagine pulling up to that every day, Shane Gillis, instead of that bullshit economical vehicle that you have while you're pretending you're not killing it on the road.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Get yourself a real American vehicle.
shane gillis
There you go.
You pretend.
That's funny.
joe rogan
What are you guys throwing money at each other?
shane gillis
How dare you, dude.
mark normand
That's a Mike Tyson jacket label.
shane gillis
You're sober as a bird, dude.
You're a coward.
Look at the bro.
joe rogan
Ari's having our crumb dreams.
shane gillis
That's what a bro does.
mark normand
He's like a blues musician.
You're on heroin.
This is bleeding gums anal over here.
joe rogan
Have you ever been around a guy on heroin before?
shane gillis
My sister was addicted to heroin.
joe rogan
Oh, no.
Really?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
What was that like?
shane gillis
Real bummer.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Is she clean now?
mark normand
Does she put out?
shane gillis
Yo, definitely.
She's doing heroin.
mark normand
Yeah, I guess the alleyway.
shane gillis
But for real, she also had cancer and heroin.
unidentified
Oh, shit.
mark normand
Jesus.
shane gillis
Beat both.
joe rogan
Oh, shit.
shane gillis
Shout out.
joe rogan
The Gillis peasant jeans.
shane gillis
Yo.
joe rogan
Those strong peasant jeans.
shane gillis
That peasant jeans, dude.
joe rogan
That's what it is, man.
That's real.
shane gillis
She's like, nothing can kill us.
joe rogan
They survived the plague.
That's why they're here.
mark normand
Beat heroin and cancer.
shane gillis
And COVID. All three at the same time, bro.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
shane gillis
Nothing.
joe rogan
Holy shit.
shane gillis
Nothing to a monster, dude.
joe rogan
Isn't that funny?
Some people are just more sturdy.
mark normand
You got that right.
I mean, it's just genes.
It's genetic.
It's all genetic.
joe rogan
For some people, for sure.
They can just get through stuff.
mark normand
Isn't it crazy to think about, back in the old days, people just died.
joe rogan
Most people just died.
mark normand
You had to be strong.
joe rogan
Well, think about how many people are alive today.
People have been around for a long time.
Think about how long it took us to get so safe.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Are you going to puke, Ari?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
Don't let him hit you with things.
And don't retaliate either, because your hand-eye coordination is going to be blocked by my headphones.
Please, please, please.
mark normand
Sorry.
shane gillis
By the way, for real, cancer, COVID, and heroin.
mark normand
Good for her.
shane gillis
Peace.
mark normand
Praise Allah.
shane gillis
Insahu Allah.
mark normand
Sounds like Ari trying to order.
joe rogan
Ari's watching that Hitler video play out in his head.
unidentified
What?
joe rogan
Fuck!
mark normand
Yes, you've got to stand up for your people, man.
joe rogan
We're going to play another Hitler video.
Jamie, find him.
ari shaffir
No, what about now?
joe rogan
I just want to see one.
I feel like we watched one of Kinnison's early videos.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You gotta see the one where he's on HBO. I've never seen Mal.
mark normand
With the...
shane gillis
I've never seen Mal.
mark normand
The Dangerfield?
joe rogan
I never have either.
Okay, let's hear this one, though.
Hear this.
unidentified
35 million views.
joe rogan
Give me it.
Give me some volume.
mark normand
35 million views.
unidentified
Listen to this.
joe rogan
If you look at the way he's moving his hands and clenching his fists...
mark normand
The passion.
joe rogan
I mean, undeniably evil dude.
shane gillis
That guy was sick of you.
joe rogan
But the fucking energy.
shane gillis
That guy was done with you guys, dude.
joe rogan
The energy in his words.
Now let's see Mal.
Let's see Mal talk.
mark normand
Yeah, I don't know much about Mal.
ari shaffir
What?
shane gillis
You know what's funny about Mal?
joe rogan
Are there videos of Mal?
shane gillis
There's one part.
Well, Mal's the death.
joe rogan
There can't be videos of Mal.
shane gillis
The death numbers under Mal are like 50 million.
joe rogan
What did Mal do?
Wait a minute.
What year are we talking about?
shane gillis
I don't know what Mal does.
joe rogan
There's no videos of Mal?
shane gillis
Yeah, they are.
joe rogan
Really?
shane gillis
Yeah, dude.
He was post-World War II. What?
joe rogan
World War II. He was post-World War II. If Ari dies, can I have his shoes?
Yeah, he's hurting.
shane gillis
Yeah, this is what happens, dawg.
unidentified
Oh, shit.
joe rogan
Shane keeps drinking.
shane gillis
This is what happens, player.
joe rogan
Oh, he's done.
He's done.
shane gillis
Ari.
unidentified
Oh, shit, he's down.
joe rogan
If you're gonna throw up, please leave the room.
shane gillis
Now, puke in the cooler.
unidentified
Wow.
shane gillis
Puke in the cooler, boy.
mark normand
Cue Hawk down.
Holy shit, he's done.
joe rogan
Hey, we gotta keep an eye on him.
What if he dies?
Will you feel bad?
Yeah, of course.
shane gillis
You can't die of alcohol poisoning for Bud Light.
joe rogan
Jamie's like, give me some water.
Jamie's hilarious.
Give him some water.
That's not going to help at this point.
mark normand
Nah, he's done.
Oh, here's Mal.
joe rogan
Here's Mal.
Listen.
shane gillis
What's he saying?
joe rogan
Mal's reading off his notes.
That's bullshit.
mark normand
Oh, what is this?
unidentified
Just like an open mic. - Is this Janine Garofalo? - Let me hear.
shane gillis
I do look like a fucking...
mark normand
Oh, he bombed.
shane gillis
Nah, he's trapped.
joe rogan
Back it up again and give me some volume so I can hear Mao at his finest.
shane gillis
Yeah, hold on.
Let me get these two for the next.
mark normand
He's already cleared them out.
shane gillis
Yeah, are you going to puke in there?
mark normand
It's coming any second.
joe rogan
Where's Mao?
I don't know, Ari's going to puke.
mark normand
That's a big crowd there.
joe rogan
Ari!
mark normand
Uh-oh, Ari's done.
He might puke.
joe rogan
No, no, no, really.
Don't throw up in here.
mark normand
Don't puke in here, Ari.
shane gillis
I'm on.
unidentified
I'm sure.
joe rogan
Should we end this?
I think we should end this and get him to a doctor.
unidentified
Doctor!
shane gillis
Definitely throw up in here.
joe rogan
He's bringing mercy back.
mark normand
Get him an IV.
Oh, let's get him an IV.
joe rogan
Yo.
shane gillis
Ari, some guys can't handle their bloodlines.
joe rogan
Ari, I would say that I'm disappointed in you, but I'm not.
This is exactly what I expected.
shane gillis
That was an honorable fucking death.
mark normand
Yeah, like Mao.
joe rogan
You're like one of those guys that fought Tyson in the 80s, Ari.
unidentified
Yes!
joe rogan
You gave a value to Bruce Seldon.
You thought you had a shot!
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
And then you saw him and you're like, fuck!
mark normand
But the Bud Lights were spanks.
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
Yes!
Well, no, the Bud Lights were Tyson, really, right?
The Bud Lights took him out.
mark normand
Hold on.
shane gillis
Let me get a picture.
Let me get this dude.
joe rogan
Yeah.
This is probably his worst defeat ever.
Losing to me in Sober October was a given.
That was going to happen.
Damn.
But losing to you in a drinking challenge, I think for whatever weird delusion, he thought through sheer will he could power down enough Bud Lights to keep up with you.
mark normand
Plus weed, plus some whiskey.
joe rogan
He's fucked.
Yeah, but it's very little whiskey.
But look at how calm Shane is.
This is the most shocking thing about all of it.
It puts it in perspective as he cracks open a new one.
He can still talk.
Shane, what do you think we should do about Ukraine?
shane gillis
You know what?
I think we should keep sending them billions and billions of dollars.
Meanwhile, the grass...
Oh, man, he's throwing up!
unidentified
Oh!
joe rogan
Is he puking?
unidentified
Oh!
mark normand
Mad Mal disease.
Damn.
shane gillis
What a podcast.
mark normand
That's a lot of latkes.
joe rogan
Make sure you keep it in the bucket, okay, Paul?
mark normand
We call him Dr. Dreidel.
shane gillis
I got some paper towels.
mark normand
Oh, shit.
joe rogan
I'm going to pull it by your left shoulder.
mark normand
That's a lot of...
joe rogan
This brings me back to the old Fear Factor days, kids.
mark normand
Not bacon.
shane gillis
What a podcast.
joe rogan
I've been here before.
I've seen more people puke than 99% of the population.
mark normand
Oh, poor bastard.
unidentified
Oh, that's a lot of yak.
joe rogan
Hip-hop hooray.
shane gillis
Damn, that made me want to puke.
joe rogan
Is the door still open from before?
unidentified
I just opened it up, yeah.
joe rogan
You opened it for the smell?
Well, it is 440, and we have been at this for a while.
mark normand
Have we?
Not a man of Shevitz.
joe rogan
You want to keep going?
I think we should keep going while he pukes.
mark normand
We got a lot to talk about.
joe rogan
You son of a bitch with your chin strap.
I like how you're Attel-ing it.
You're Attel-ing it through the entire show.
Attel still wears that motherfucker around his chin.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Occasionally I see photos on his Instagram.
Everybody else is maskless and he's got a chin strap on.
mark normand
Damn, well, you know, he's getting up there.
joe rogan
I think he wants to be respectful.
mark normand
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
joe rogan
He's such a nice guy.
mark normand
Great guy.
shane gillis
He did it the other night on stage, and I was like, I think he's doing it as like a joke.
joe rogan
Oh, like he pulls it down?
mark normand
He always says, I'm going to raw dog this.
And it kills.
joe rogan
That's hilarious.
mark normand
I don't want to give away his act.
joe rogan
You already did, bitch.
mark normand
Ah, shit.
joe rogan
Son of a bitch.
mark normand
He's the funniest guy I saw.
I don't know if I've told this story.
Funniest thing I ever saw a tell do.
We're at the cellar.
There's these two Hispanic women in the front row.
They're not laughing.
And everybody's warning everybody else, like, watch out.
These two women are going to stone face you.
Whatever.
Nobody tells a tell.
He puts a cigarette out.
He runs on stage and he goes, oh, what happened, ladies?
Did Selena die again?
They lost it.
The crowd lost it.
The comics lost it.
It was a beautiful moment.
There he is.
joe rogan
He's one of the best ever, man.
He's like one of those hidden treasures, right?
mark normand
He is.
joe rogan
Because I think we sing his praises as much as possible, but I don't think the general public is truly aware of how goddamn good he is.
mark normand
Agreed.
joe rogan
He's one of the best of all time, right?
mark normand
Oh, funniest guy on the planet.
joe rogan
He's so good.
mark normand
On stage, off stage.
shane gillis
Especially at the cellar where he'll just roast you if you're just walking around.
joe rogan
Also loved by everybody.
shane gillis
He saw me one night going to the bathroom, walking out, and he was like, Shane must have had a good set.
He's still hanging out.
I was like, oh, this motherfucker.
mark normand
Yeah, he gets you.
joe rogan
Ari is trying to contribute while his face is in his own puke.
mark normand
Whatever.
joe rogan
Whatever he says.
mark normand
I wish I could see him.
unidentified
Fuck off.
joe rogan
That's hilarious.
Fuck off.
mark normand
All right.
Can we get Ari some metal?
joe rogan
It's basically 5 p.m., and I think you guys need to try to attempt something with this gentleman before the Kill Tony tonight, which is only in a few hours.
I don't know what we're going to be able to do to help him.
Yeah.
Maybe get some food in the boy.
mark normand
Food is good.
Food.
joe rogan
Okay.
unidentified
What are your upcoming dates?
joe rogan
Where are you at?
shane gillis
I'm in Australia in August.
Australia.
joe rogan
Are you worried they're going to hold you as a prisoner?
Because of your thoughts on COVID? Maybe.
shane gillis
They're actually the gayest.
joe rogan
I don't think it's a gay.
I think it's authoritarian.
shane gillis
Yeah, but that authoritarianism is gay.
joe rogan
Yeah, like Dom.
Submissive.
shane gillis
Tom Herrera.
joe rogan
Tom Herrera!
shane gillis
Oh, he's still throwing up in the goddamn cooler.
joe rogan
ShaneGillis.com?
mark normand
Still yakking?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
ShaneGillis.com?
shane gillis
Some guys can't do it.
ShaneMGillis.com?
unidentified
What's a count, though?
joe rogan
What's a count, though?
Shut the fuck up, Ari.
You can't drink any more beer.
shane gillis
How many of those are yours, Jamie?
joe rogan
He's got a bottle of piss and a bucket of puke.
Shane, bottle of piss, bucket of puke.
That's how we end this.
Mark Norman, where are you going to be?
mark normand
Hey, hey, I'm all over the road.
Irvine Improv.
MarkNormanComedy.com.
We might be drunk.
Tuesdays with stories.
We're all over the road.
Check it out.
I'm gay.
Selling baby formally after the show.
joe rogan
You're a great follow on Instagram as well.
mark normand
Oh, thank you, man.
joe rogan
Very funny follow on Instagram.
mark normand
A lot of clips.
joe rogan
Don't be mean about the baby.
Is he throwing up again?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
It's a big one.
mark normand
We're going hard.
joe rogan
I believe it's ari-shafir.com.
He's special.
He just finished filming.
mark normand
Yes.
joe rogan
I heard it went great.
I heard it went better than the amount of puke that just came out of his fucking mouth.
mark normand
I can smell the yak!
joe rogan
Yeah, I smell it too.
I did warn him, though.
Did I not warn him that he was going to throw up?
I told him he was going to throw up, though, right?
I'm like, if you're going to throw up, let me know.
He didn't.
mark normand
I saw it coming about an hour ago.
joe rogan
Jamie, thank God you're on the ball, because imagine if that bucket was not there.
mark normand
Well, he didn't use the bucket.
He used the cooler.
joe rogan
The cooler, whatever, bucket.
unidentified
I tried.
joe rogan
Okay, I just heard another...
unidentified
Oh my...
joe rogan
For real, though.
July 1st, I'll be at the MGM Grand Garden Casino with Hans Kim, Brian Simpson, and Tony Hinchcliffe.
mark normand
I love Simpson.
joe rogan
That should be real fun.
JoeRogan.com.
mark normand
Fully loaded, too.
shane gillis
Fully loaded.
I am happy to...
A lot of guys were talking like, oh, that's just Bud Light.
Anybody can do it.
mark normand
Turns out...
shane gillis
It's a little harder than it looks.
mark normand
It's a good point.
joe rogan
You gave the boy a thrashing.
A sound thrashing.
mark normand
It's just water, man.
unidentified
It's all water.
joe rogan
The amazing thing is how you've maintained your composure.
shane gillis
I'm probably more composed now.
Earlier I was a little silent.
mark normand
Yeah, you're more yourself with a couple of BLs.
joe rogan
You're an impressive creature.
That's it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Protect Our Parks 4 is in the books.
mark normand
Where are the shirts?
joe rogan
Yeah, we've got to get a make soon.
Seriously, one of the most fun things I ever do.
I love it.
mark normand
Thanks for having us.
joe rogan
I love you guys.
I love you too, Ari.
shane gillis
Good luck, Ari.
mark normand
Ari's dead.
joe rogan
Ari, you want to say goodbye to everybody?
shane gillis
Hey, how'd that park go that you protected, you dumbass?
joe rogan
That's it.
Wrap it up.
Close on that.
unidentified
Good night.
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