May 4, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:23:49
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Good morning. | |
| Good to see you, pal. | ||
| Good morning. | ||
| First sip of the hooch of the day. | ||
| That's not your first cigarette. | ||
| How many cigarettes have you got so far? | ||
| To the point where I go, maybe I should have brought two packs. | ||
| By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope just found out today that he has had COVID. Just moments ago. | ||
| You didn't even know you had it. | ||
| You do the regular COVID test before you do the show, and she goes, have you had the antibody one? | ||
| And I said, no, because I always feel like I have COVID. They do say, and I read this, that people who smoke cigarettes for some reason were like getting it less. | ||
| Yeah, I read a lot of those, and then I saw a lot that disputed that, so I didn't read the ones I didn't want to hear that news, and I read the ones that say, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds like how I digest news. | ||
| But they also say, if you do get it, you're more likely to wind up on a fucking respirator, which I'm going to wind up on a respirator at this rate regardless. | ||
| I don't mind if I fast-forward the process. | ||
| We've got to fill you up with stem cells. | ||
| Get you in a hyperbaric chamber. | ||
| Reverse the process. | ||
| Just clean you up. | ||
| Clean you up. | ||
| From 40 years of smoking? | ||
| Bison meat, spring water. | ||
| We got you. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Just put yourself in Dr. Rogan's care. | ||
| We're going to take care of you as I puff on this joint. | ||
| Oh, so I go to Kill Tony last night, and I'm up on the judge's stand, whatever you call it, and I'm pretty pickled by then. | ||
| We started with margaritas at 1.30, and now it's 9 o'clock. | ||
| And after the show, some guy tries to give him a bag of edibles. | ||
| And he goes, no, no, thanks though. | ||
| And I go, no, you always take the drugs, even if you don't want them. | ||
| And then you give them to someone else at the thing and go, hey, I can't fly with this. | ||
| And then you made two people really happy. | ||
| One guy's happy that you took his drugs and the other guy's really happy. | ||
| So I go, what are they? | ||
| And he said, 50 milligrams. | ||
| And I split it. | ||
| I go, I took half... | ||
| Because I'm a 10 milligram guy. | ||
| I'm tripping my balls off on 10. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then Tony, I gave Tony the other half and he goes, no, I don't do weed. | ||
| And I go, ah, fuck it. | ||
| So I took 50 milligrams and I was drinking enough. | ||
| I drunk enough that I kept forgetting that I was super fucking high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I thought I was just too drunk to be in the bar and then I got back to the room and I'm digging through my bag trying to find any leftover bag of fucking airplane peanuts I might have left behind because I'm too high to be in public and go buy something to eat and there's nothing in the hotel open and I'm just eating fucking gummy bears and salty snack fucking mix. | ||
| That's one thing I don't get for whatever weird reason. | ||
| I don't get munchies when I'm high. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| It's never been a thing. | ||
| Sometimes I will only eat if I take edibles now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I think I get 85% of my calories from liquid. | ||
| How much edibles are you taking these days? | ||
| Because you were always like a non-weed guy. | ||
| Yeah, but they made edibles delicious. | ||
| I always hated the taste of smoking. | ||
| It would make me cough. | ||
| I was one of those guys that coughs on the first puff and then I'm coughing for an hour. | ||
| And then the yuck mouth I got would ruin the taste of cigarettes. | ||
| I like cigarettes more than being high. | ||
| But edibles is a whole different story. | ||
| Yeah, I love edibles. | ||
| I love, like, gummies. | ||
| I love those little gummies because, you know, you take them and it's about an hour in, they start to, like, creep into your system, and then an hour and a half in, you're like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, I love them. | ||
| And sometimes for me, it'll be three hours. | ||
| Sometimes it's 20 minutes. | ||
| It's a totally different drug, you know, than THC. It's 11-hydroxymetabolite is what it is. | ||
| Did you say it fucks with your liver more? | ||
| No, it goes through your liver. | ||
| It doesn't fuck with your liver. | ||
| It's not toxic. | ||
| But it's called the one pass is what happens when it goes through the liver and it produces this metabolite. | ||
| But it's five times more psychoactive than THC. So if you have like an equivalent amount, like I've given people edibles before and they're like, dude, this is something, this is laced. | ||
| I'm like, no, that's what happens. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't done mushrooms in years, but this gives me the same feeling as a good, easy mushroom trip. | ||
| Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I feel the same way. | ||
| Yeah, like a light, like microdose mushroom trip is nice, man. | ||
| When I was getting canceled, that's what I kept doing. | ||
| I just kept doing mushrooms. | ||
| I did mushrooms every day. | ||
| I did them every day. | ||
| And I was just thinking about everything but all the bullshit that was going on on, you know, social media and CNN and all that stuff. | ||
| All I was thinking about was just, like, the universe. | ||
| It's so nice to get away from that. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Just don't watch. | ||
| Don't know. | ||
| Don't care. | ||
| I just inhaled a piece of marijuana. | ||
| That's what happens when you... | ||
| So apparently abortion is illegal again, right? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What, here? | ||
| Did you hear what happened? | ||
| Not just here. | ||
| No, there's a leaked memo, apparently. | ||
| Someone leaked something that says that they're going to overturn Roe v. | ||
| Wade. | ||
| I don't know if it's real. | ||
| Everyone's already commenting on it as if it is real. | ||
| I don't know if it is real. | ||
| But apparently what that means is that it's going to be up to the states. | ||
| So people who live in states where abortion is already, you know, like blue states, I don't think they have a worry. | ||
| But other states probably do. | ||
| You know, it's kind of... | ||
| Hey, medical tourism. | ||
| Yeah, that's what's gonna happen. | ||
| It's gonna happen. | ||
| It's fucking weird, man. | ||
| It's weird people telling other people what they can and can't do with their body is weird because, like, Texas is a weird law. | ||
| No, I shouldn't say a weird law. | ||
| A terrible law, where it's six weeks. | ||
| Who the fuck knows they're pregnant at six weeks? | ||
| You just missed your period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just found out I had COVID. Yeah, exactly. | |
| Could have been a baby ago. | ||
| And girls who have irregular periods, that happens all the time, I think. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I don't have a vagina. | ||
| But that's what I hear. | ||
| I hear it happens all the time. | ||
| And so, for the longest time, you know, people have dealt with that and just sort of live their life and take a pregnancy test and now you find out that you're pregnant, you literally have like a fucking week. | ||
| To find a place, get an abortion. | ||
| If you want to get an abortion, make a decision. | ||
| You have to make a decision. | ||
| But the thing that I'm thinking of is people that have... | ||
| If something happens to you, what if you get raped? | ||
| What if... | ||
| Anything like that. | ||
| Or what if a family member molests someone? | ||
| I used to have a bit about it, but it's a talking point. | ||
| How should it be okay in cases of rape? | ||
| That's like saying a fetus is a living thing unless his dad was an asshole. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| How is it the baby's fault his dad was a racist? | ||
| Exactly, right. | ||
| How is it the baby's fault that... | ||
| But what if it's your father or something fucking crazy sick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's just, I just don't like, you know, I don't like people telling other people what they can and can't do, but it gets weird when the baby gets, like, six months old. | ||
| You know, it gets weird when they're really, really pregnant, because in some states, for the longest, I don't know what the rules are now, but I know that some states had late-term abortions, and sometimes you need one for medical reasons, right? | ||
| Like, the woman could die if she gives birth. | ||
| Like, it's a decision that people have to make. | ||
| Well, if you look back, what was your favorite part of being a fetus? | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Well, what was your favorite part of being three? | ||
| Should I be able to shoot you at three because I don't want to take care of you anymore? | ||
| It's one of those things. | ||
| It's like I am 100% for a woman's right to choose. | ||
| But as a human being, just as a person observing things, there's a big difference between a little clump of cells and a fetus with an eyeball and a beating heart. | ||
| And for anybody to pretend there's not, you're not doing any argument. | ||
| But where do you draw the line? | ||
| Right, where do you draw the line? | ||
| Yeah, that's the question. | ||
| And it's what I call a human issue. | ||
| It's a very complicated issue. | ||
| It's so fraught with emotion and it's so political. | ||
| There's people outside the Supreme Court right now that were like chanting and rattling the cages, rattling the fences. | ||
| Apparently there's been... | ||
| I thought that they put the fences up because of that, but no. | ||
| They put the fences up because a guy in Colorado, a guy in Boulder of course, lit himself on fire and killed himself for climate change. | ||
| Which is like, if you're gonna kill yourself, why would you light yourself on fire and contribute to climate change? | ||
| You're literally like contributing to the carbon in the air. | ||
| It's like, dude, just, you know, I mean, the guy's gone, no disrespect to the fellow. | ||
| He meant it, he felt it. | ||
| It's a complicated thing, but it's another one of those things. | ||
| But it's like 18 to be an adult is very arbitrary. | ||
| Very arbitrary. | ||
| Random. | ||
| Nature told you you're an adult when you're ready to procreate. | ||
| Right, but you can't even drink. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But you can have a child. | ||
| You can get married. | ||
| You could fight in a war. | ||
| You're not ready for drinking yet. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Makes no sense. | ||
| When I was a kid- And it makes worse drunks, because- Yes. | ||
| They always talk about in Europe where kids have wine with dinner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're not fucking raging assholes at spring break. | ||
| Yeah, they're different over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're normalized. | |
| When you take Catholic school girls, for example, you tell them, you can't fuck guys, stay away, boys are the devil, the penis is going to take you straight to hell. | ||
| Those girls can't wait to fuck guys. | ||
| They're the horniest girls. | ||
| Well, anything that's taboo. | ||
| Were they in high school and they're only with girls? | ||
| When you drove a car before you had a license, your brother had let you drive his car and it was completely illegal, you loved being stuck in traffic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, it was, whee! | ||
| I'm doing something wrong. | ||
| And now you fucking hate driving across town. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, a car used to be, well, some of them are still a ride. | ||
| Driving an old car, it still feels like a ride. | ||
| When I drive one of my old muscle cars, it feels like I'm on a ride. | ||
| It doesn't feel like I'm driving. | ||
| It feels like I'm at Disneyland. | ||
| Disneyland for adults. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| What's in your Jay Leno garage? | ||
| I don't have that many. | ||
| Jay Leno has like 11 warehouses. | ||
| I just have a couple of muscle cars. | ||
| That's my thing is like old, like 1960s, 1970s cars. | ||
| Those are the ones I love. | ||
| I just, I stare at them and I think about them. | ||
| I think, when I look at them, I don't just think, well, that's a cool car. | ||
| I think, damn, what was life like back then to be a person who's driving this car? | ||
| What did I believe? | ||
| What access to information did I have? | ||
| Like, my entire worldview was based upon experiences that I had at college or something I heard from a friend in books. | ||
| And it's hard for us to remember what that kind of life must have been like. | ||
| Because we kind of grew up, and when we were adults, the internet started emerging. | ||
| And then cable news started emerging, and there was enough alternative perspectives and viewpoints. | ||
| We're getting more information with every year. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, with the internet, it's like now you have this tsunami of information that's almost maybe too much to decipher sometimes. | ||
| It's too much, yeah. | ||
| I just always wonder, like, what was life like in 1969 for these people? | ||
| Growing adults driving a Camaro. | ||
| I buy all this weird vintage Delta stuff because I'm a huge Delta guy. | ||
| Delta to the airlines? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so on eBay I found... | ||
| Old Sky magazines that was the in-flight magazine from the 70s, and I'll leave them in the seat back pocket when I fly, like in 1974. But just reading the ads from back then, seeing things about all those old cars, Ford Granada coming out now, it just takes you way back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I get old USA Todays, like from the 80s and 90s. | ||
| Where do you get them? | ||
| eBay. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And I'll read them on the plane. | ||
| Just reading old stories is way more fun than reading stories from yesterday. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| I mean, it's a version of history. | ||
| It's like you're getting a version of history books. | ||
| You're getting it from the actual source of the news that was distributed to the population while the shit was coming down. | ||
| I mean, I think every stand-up comic had to read USA Today because they used to flip them at your door in the hotels every morning or have a stack of free ones. | ||
| What was the paper that had the wacky stories? | ||
| Was it USA Today or one of those? | ||
| News of the Weird. | ||
| It was like the last page or so was like these wacky stories. | ||
| Yeah, the column was called News of the Weird. | ||
| Was that a USA Today thing? | ||
| Yeah, that's the kind of one where a guy... | ||
| Got eaten by a snake. | ||
| Or fucked a vacuum cleaner and lost his... | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah, or had to grow. | ||
| I saw a guy grew, he got his dick, something happened, and it got removed from his body, and then they had to reattach it, and they reattached it to his forearm. | ||
| So you had to let it grow in his forearm until it got enough blood supply or something, and then they put it back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| He did that with fingers and shit, too. | ||
| Do you understand that? | ||
| What happened there with that guy? | ||
| Do you know what happened? | ||
| I'm sure you know the story. | ||
| You were up on all things getting your dick cut off, right, Jamie? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| LAUGHTER But I had one, the headline was where the smoking ban on airlines is going to the house for a vote. | ||
| I remember those days. | ||
| And reading that while they're doing the non-smoking announcement, like, do you really still have to keep saying that? | ||
| Right, isn't that crazy? | ||
| This is from 1989, this newspaper. | ||
| That's how long it's been. | ||
| It is crazy when they tell you you can't smoke on a plane. | ||
| Like, who doesn't know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I used to have a bit where it just makes me crazy. | ||
| Yeah, we haven't been able to smoke for... | ||
| I said, that's like if you get on a city bus today and they said, remember, according to federal regulations, colored people can now sit wherever they like. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| Everybody knows that. | ||
| Why do you keep saying it? | ||
| Yeah, stop saying colored, too. | ||
| You can say colored people, but you... | ||
| That would be the nomenclature of the day for an announcement. | ||
| Oh, no, I know that. | ||
| But I'm saying, how weird is it that you can't say colored people, but you can say people of color. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People of color. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Most of fucking life doesn't make sense. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| Everyone who's screaming about fucking masks don't do anything, I'm not wearing it on a plane. | ||
| Well, neither does putting your fucking seat in the upright lock position. | ||
| That doesn't do anything. | ||
| All their bullshit announcement, they don't do anything. | ||
| I think people don't like additional new ones. | ||
| You can have all the ones that make no sense, like the seat up and down thing, and then there's an additional new one. | ||
| They're like, that's it! | ||
| That's the line! | ||
| I'm not fucking cross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is where I'm gonna die on this hill. | |
| You'll gladly walk through the scanner so some minimum wage security hack can look at your wife's IUD. Close up and clear, but no. | ||
| Do you remember they had the one scanners that were showing people's hogs? | ||
| So they decided they had to get rid of it because it was unethical. | ||
| Do you remember those? | ||
| Like people were complaining. | ||
| Yeah, there was a whole series. | ||
| You could literally see an outline of your naked body. | ||
| And people were, they felt like it was invasive. | ||
| And they were saying, no, but we can't tell it's you. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| But you still see that guy's dick. | ||
| You're looking at that guy's dick. | ||
| You're basically looking at a cartoon of that guy's dick. | ||
| It's like an outline, like a skeleton image. | ||
| See what the fuck... | ||
| I know I'm talking about something, but I really don't have the proper information. | ||
| But I remember correctly, I think. | ||
| I remember that when they... | ||
| Here's it. | ||
| TSA removing body scanners that criticize is too revealing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think this is the one. | ||
| But so you could see, like, if someone has a micropenis or a giant hog. | ||
| Virtual strip searches. | ||
| Wow, they labeled them virtual strip searches. | ||
| So there's this one dude, he lives in Mexico, and he's got the biggest dick that's ever been measured and observed. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| This guy goes through security, and they pat him down. | ||
| They always want to pat him down, because they're like, what is that? | ||
| He's like, that's my dick. | ||
| There's no fucking way. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It's my arm. | ||
| It's preposterous. | ||
| He has an enormous dick. | ||
| It's so big. | ||
| And this poor guy, he gets touched up every time he goes to the airport. | ||
| I mean, he must... | ||
| Is this the Mexican gentleman? | ||
| Might be another guy. | ||
| As an actor. | ||
| Oh my god, this is an actress in New Mexico. | ||
| Oh, this is definitely a different dude. | ||
| So he has the new biggest dick? | ||
| He claims it, so maybe. | ||
| The dude in Mexico has a fucking piece on him. | ||
| Is that the Guinness book worthy? | ||
| I think they must measure dicks, right? | ||
| I mean, it counts. | ||
| You can measure head size. | ||
| Why can't you measure dicks? | ||
| Does Guinness not touch the genitalia? | ||
| It's too naughty? | ||
| I would assume they don't. | ||
| Too naughty for such data? | ||
| Yeah, that's the same guy. | ||
| Same guy? | ||
| That's the Mexican gentleman? | ||
| Airport security is the thing I added with my search. | ||
| Could you add world's biggest penis Mexico? | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| Did he get through? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he have to show it? | |
| I think they just have to touch him and check it out and make sure it's just a regular dick. | ||
| Mexican man. | ||
| It's a fake. | ||
| Oh, he lied! | ||
| Oh, it's a Mexican man's penis is fake. | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| 18.9. | ||
| He said it was 18. I like how he's so humble. | ||
| He says.9. | ||
| I mean, who's counting? | ||
| I hate when you do that, where you read a story and then you repeat it for fucking years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Over and over again! | |
| And then you find out it was all bullshit. | ||
| Guy's got a rubber dick. | ||
| Hit me again there, bartender. | ||
| You got it, sir. | ||
| He's got a rubber dick with some cocaine inside of it. | ||
| You see that lady that got arrested at the border and she had a whole rubber bag filled with fentanyl? | ||
| No. | ||
| Enough fentanyl to fucking light the whole country on fire. | ||
| I mean, all of it in her pussy. | ||
| Like, fentanyl, you need the tiniest amounts to fuck people up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This lady had like a fucking, like a baby fist in her pussy. | ||
| The word on the street, based on nothing, but I've heard, is junkies actually want this stuff with fentanyl because it works better. | ||
| Is what I've heard. | ||
| Well, I believe that because it's very strong. | ||
| I mean, the amount that can kill you is so tiny. | ||
| That's a big part of the problem. | ||
| I think the most amount of overdose deaths ever was last year. | ||
| See if that's true. | ||
| It's 18 to 49, and I think the number of overdose deaths was over 100,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Which is crazy. | ||
| That's so many fucking people, man. | ||
| Yeah, that Kate Quigley thing. | ||
| That was horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| They thought they were getting coke, and they got coke laced with fentanyl, and two or three guys died? | ||
| How many guys died? | ||
| And she barely got through. | ||
| She had to go to the hospital. | ||
| 100,306 drug overdose deaths in the United States during the 12 month period between April 21st. | ||
| An increase of 28.5% from the 78,056 deaths during the same period a year before. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, the Chaley's and the Brechel's just threw a big desert party and they brought a drug testing kit. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's what we need now. | ||
| It's like businesses have COVID tests like mine does. | ||
| It's where you go, hey, well, if the government legalized it, then it would be tested. | ||
| It would be under federal regulation. | ||
| But at the same time, if you can do it yourself, fucking yeah, get your own drug testing kit. | ||
| In the meantime, if you do it yourself, you put this up on Twitter and we talked about it on the podcast. | ||
| You're 100% right if this is all a product of drugs being illegal. | ||
| I bet if drugs were legal, I bet the same amount of people ultimately would do drugs or maybe even less. | ||
| I think it would take time and it would be a real problem when it was settling in. | ||
| Because people would get used to the fact that you could just do whatever you wanted when you got to be a certain age. | ||
| And we haven't prepared people for that. | ||
| But realistically, almost everyone we know, if they wanted to do coke, they could get coke. | ||
| Most adults know someone. | ||
| If you go to bars, if you hang out with people who like to go out at night, if you hang out with people who, you know, every now and then like to go off the rails, they can get you some fucking coke. | ||
| Most adults know how to get some coke. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| Maybe I'm just traveling in fucked up circles. | ||
| I'm sure there's a lot of Bible thumpers that don't do anything and don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| For a lot of people that go to bars, you can find coke. | ||
| So what is the difference? | ||
| How many people would do coke more if it was legal? | ||
| I remember coming off stage after a show when I was drinking in the front bar of wherever years ago. | ||
| And from across the room, a guy just looks at me and nods like this. | ||
| And I nodded back, and we went right to the toilet. | ||
| I knew it was blow. | ||
| Yeah, there's a look that cokeheads give each other. | ||
| Wide-eyed. | ||
| It's like, either we're gonna fuck, or you're gonna hook me up with some coke. | ||
| It wasn't like a wink wink. | ||
| It was just nodded and I nodded. | ||
| I go, that was fucking beautiful. | ||
| That's like the communication that you get when you're on mushrooms where you look at each other tripping your balls off and you're both laughing at the same thing without having to say a word. | ||
| One of my favorite moments as an adult was you and I out in the desert with Jan Irvin when we were tripping balls the day the war started. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yeah, I wrote about that in one of my books. | ||
| Do you remember when we were driving home and you peed out the door? | ||
| With the passenger door open. | ||
| You had a pickup truck, I think, back then. | ||
| It was like a Yukon Denali. | ||
| A GMC Denali. | ||
| Oh, that's right, yeah. | ||
| It was like an SUV. I think I was still dumbstruck at GPS back then. | ||
| Like... | ||
| You were always on the fucking cutting edge of the new gadgetry and technology. | ||
| I had GPS back when it was a CD. It was a CD-ROM, or maybe it was a DVD. I think it was a CD-ROM. And you had to put the CD in the dash for each individual city. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, so any city you would get. | ||
| If I would go to Detroit, if I wanted to drive to Detroit, I'd have to get a Detroit CD-ROM for the state. | ||
| Yeah, so like Michigan would have one, California would have one, and you would, you know, some of them only worked for like a city. | ||
| Yeah, you were always on the cutting edge of technology, but that must mean you get the shittiest version. | ||
| Oh yeah, but I was fascinated. | ||
| See, the shittiest version today, if I had to use that, I would be fucking furious. | ||
| I'd be this piece of garbage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But back then, I was living in the future. | ||
| I'm like, this is amazing. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Because I was following a computer... | ||
| On my dash was like reading signals from a satellite that was telling to satellite exactly where I was at any point in time, and it was navigating me to my target. | ||
| And I'm like, this is fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| Every time I get bored, like my drive to the airport is at hour 45 through the desert, but there's no stoplights. | ||
| It's just desert. | ||
| And any time I get bored, I'll daydream about, like, what would George Washington think if he were transported from the future and sitting in this right now? | ||
| At 60 miles an hour, would he be clutching the fucking dashboard? | ||
| Freaking the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, that always kills time, that daydream. | ||
| I don't listen to music in the car. | ||
| My head is so fucking entertaining. | ||
| Well, there's plenty of stuff to listen to. | ||
| You don't have to listen to music. | ||
| I listen to Audible books mostly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do too. | |
| I listen to a lot of those. | ||
| Fucking kills, drives, so good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you get something out of it. | ||
| And that's not a plug. | ||
| They actually fired me as a sponsor. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| Because they sent me some ad copy that I go... | ||
| Listen, Audible books changed my fucking life from living on the road. | ||
| It just kills all those hours between fucking Pittsburgh and Grand Rapids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sometimes... | ||
| You'll drive around the hotel waiting to hear the end because you don't want to wait till tomorrow's drive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they sent me some ad copy that I go, this is just hokey fucking garbage. | ||
| And I said that. | ||
| I'll tell you how Audible changed my life. | ||
| This is way better ad copy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they fired you for that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It wasn't Mr. Audible. | ||
| It was whatever fucking ad company. | ||
| It's the ad agency. | ||
| They got really mad that I shit on their garbage work. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| But if you're a guy who's working at a thing, you talk to a regular podcaster the same as they would talk to a Doug Stanhope. | ||
| And for you, they should just give you some bullet points. | ||
| If you have a good relationship with the person who does the ads, give me some bullet points, and I'll just tell you what I feel about this. | ||
| They might also have figured out that I have three books on Audible, so I'm going to push them anyway. | ||
| Well, there's maybe that, but I guarantee you it's whoever was writing the copy and people were just upset and they probably thought you were being an asshole. | ||
| But really, what you're doing is genuinely promoting Audible to your people. | ||
| And let's be honest, I'm not 100% behind some of the things I promote. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really love Apple Books, too. | ||
| I love that little, because it's so built into the phone, and you can just fucking, like today, I finished a book, and I'm like, what else? | ||
| And I just instantly bang, and then I'm getting a book. | ||
| I mean, it's so crazy that you can get an Audible book in like five seconds. | ||
| In five seconds, you're listening to some book that some guy wrote for months and months at a time. | ||
| I just read... | ||
| Oh, they're coming tonight, too. | ||
| Jenny Pentland is Roseanne's daughter. | ||
| Her fucking book came out. | ||
| Usually, I don't... | ||
| Even any biography, the child years, I'm like, hurry up and get this over with. | ||
| It's always boring. | ||
| Get to where you're a fucking junkie or something. | ||
| Well, she grew up as her mother was becoming the most famous person in America. | ||
| She spent between age 12 or 11 or 12 and 18 almost exclusively in mental institutions or those fucked up boot camps they send troubled teens to. | ||
| And at one point she had been in some institution for I want to say a year plus. | ||
| And she's like, why does everyone else get out and I don't get out? | ||
| And they go, well, everyone else doesn't have a million dollar insurance policy like your mother has on you. | ||
| And she put it together. | ||
| Oh, they're just bilking me for the fucking insurance. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I always think about that. | ||
| I never go to doctors. | ||
| Because I don't care to know. | ||
| Whenever you have money involved in anything, this doesn't mean the medical system's evil or anything's evil. | ||
| The news system's evil. | ||
| No, when you have money involved in things, people lean into that fucking money every goddamn time. | ||
| It's a balance of that and litigation. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This is probably a spot, but we're going to treat it like it's fucking stage 4 melanoma so we don't get sued if we're wrong and we're going to burn things off and send you over there for additional testings on this. | ||
| I think they can tell on that. | ||
| They don't have to worry about that anymore. | ||
| I think their ability to detect cancer is pretty fucking good now. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| But something else. | ||
| Doctor, it hurts when I go like this. | ||
| Then we're going to actually send you through a series of tests about when I... It's no longer, just don't go like this. | ||
| I always wonder about, like, if you see someone like you that smokes every day and is always drinking, but lives a relatively stress-free life for an entertainer and is always laughing. | ||
| You're laughing constantly. | ||
| You're always laughing. | ||
| Every time I talk to you, we laugh. | ||
| Sometimes I get a little cunty. | ||
| Usually at inanimate objects that I hit with another inanimate object because it wasn't cooperating. | ||
| Perhaps, but you don't with me. | ||
| I've known you for 30 years. | ||
| You've never been cunty with me. | ||
| You've always been cool. | ||
| But my point is, when you look at that, and then you compare a lot of people who would live a lifestyle like yours, but they're angry all the time, and they're working all the time, and they're, you know, doing something that they hate for money, and they wind up with all these diseases. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking skate through life. | ||
| You're like, the dude I know who's- Every comic that dies, I get fucking 100 tweets. | ||
| And you're still alive. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| How are you still alive? | ||
| Meanwhile, Stan Hope openly talks about how he won't go to a doctor because he just doesn't want to know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want them putting- Oh, it could be that. | ||
| Well, it could also not be that, and I don't want to go through a battery of tests. | ||
| Do you know what a nocebo effect is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Nocebo effect is the opposite of a placebo effect, and it's real. | ||
| It's a physical reaction that your body has if it thinks it's got something inside of it that's bad for it. | ||
| Is that like when med students, they read too much about different diseases and then they think they have them all? | ||
| No, that's maybe a little bit of hypochondria, but that's not what this is. | ||
| What this is, is like, there's an example. | ||
| There was a guy who was on a study for SSRIs, and somehow or another he fucked up, and he took the whole bottle of pills, and he freaked out, and he went to the emergency room. | ||
| His heart rate was sky high, blood pressure was fucked. | ||
| I mean, they're like, oh my god, this guy's like minutes away from dying. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What did you take? | ||
| And he says, I don't know. | ||
| I'm a part of this study. | ||
| And they show him the bottle and there's a physician on the bottle. | ||
| They call the physician. | ||
| The physician shows up at the hospital and says, you're in the placebo group. | ||
| You didn't take anything. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And so within minutes, heart rate down to normal, blood pressure normal, the guy's completely fine and he leaves. | ||
| He freaked himself the fuck out because he knew that he was going to die in his mind because he had taken all these pills and there's no way that's good. | ||
| I know a lot of comics where you go, it's stress. | ||
| Or non-comic, friends of mine. | ||
| Anybody, human beings. | ||
| I think that's a real factor that we don't, you know, we add that factor at the end. | ||
| You add it at the end. | ||
| Stress is like at the end of like the alcohol and the cocaine and the fucking bad relationship and the divorce and the getting fired and all that other stuff. | ||
| And then we put, you know, stress, bad diet, cigarettes. | ||
| We put all... | ||
| I think stress might be the number one thing. | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| And I hate to... | ||
| I avoid the... | ||
| It's all in your head because... | ||
| It's all because of your head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not making it up, but your lifestyle is causing it. | ||
| It's a factor. | ||
| It's a real factor, but it's... | ||
| You can't weigh it. | ||
| You can't take it and put it on a scale. | ||
| If you tell me you smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I go, oh, well, that's... | ||
| It's a lot of fucking cigarettes, so you're gonna get sick. | ||
| But you tell me stress, like, what does that mean? | ||
| Put it in a box. | ||
| Show me. | ||
| What does it weigh? | ||
| How big is it? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it means. | ||
| I don't know what your stress is compared to someone else's stress in the same situation. | ||
| You know, some people, they have bad things happen to them. | ||
| They freak the fuck out and they're never the same. | ||
| And other people get better. | ||
| They, like, get stronger through, like, a bad thing that happens to them. | ||
| It's like, we don't know what that is. | ||
| We don't know what... | ||
| It's how it affects you. | ||
| And if you don't think that it has a big factor, I think we should be teaching that. | ||
| Teaching that to people. | ||
| It's so huge. | ||
| Military guys, and you know they exist, and you've met the military guys who were kind of bummed out. | ||
| They didn't get to go to combat. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Now it's boring. | ||
| I want to go back there. | ||
| I want to fucking... | ||
| Hurt Locker. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That movie Hurt Locker. | ||
| Not everyone has... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I only remember the first scene with the guy's fucking head exploding in the mask. | ||
| But I love that guy. | ||
| Jeremy Renner, I think his name is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| I met him in the UFC. Funny guy. | ||
| You know, there's like that kind of thing where people like long for the camaraderie that exists in combat. | ||
| Do you ever read Sebastian Junger? | ||
| You ever read any of his stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Fucking amazing guy. | ||
| Really interesting guy. | ||
| Super earnest and he's so intelligent. | ||
| There's no bullshit in his words. | ||
| Fiction or non-fiction? | ||
| Well, I'm sure he does fiction too, but I'm a big fan of his non-fiction. | ||
| I know the name. | ||
| He wrote this book called Tribe. | ||
| He was also a part of... | ||
| That documentary... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Restrepo. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Restrepo. | ||
| He was a part of Restrepo. | ||
| But his book Tribe talks about that. | ||
| It talks about the camaraderie that men face in combat and that they go back to regular life and it's so... | ||
| It's so dull and pale in comparison and the guys that I know that have served there's a good percentage of them who have experienced combat who they say some of their happiest moments of their life. | ||
| And as crazy as that sounds like because they got through it but when they look back at it they talk about it they like the camaraderie that we have like as a team and some of the stuff they went through and the fact they thought they were doing it for a really good cause and that it was you know they were being heroes. | ||
| And so there's like this heightened sense of existence. | ||
| This is a weak example, and I'm not trying to liken one to the other, but when you look back at your comedy days where no one knew you and it was just fucking hell gigs, those are the most prominent memories you have of early comedy. | ||
| Except you don't ever want to go back to those hell gigs. | ||
| Those guys, a lot of them want to go back to combat. | ||
| A lot of guys want to go back down late. | ||
| You haven't seen my schedule. | ||
| Yeah, but you're a fucking assassin now. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| You going back to what you were at when you were four months into comedy is what I'm talking about. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Because those fucking days, dude, we were terrible. | ||
| I don't want to do that again. | ||
| But as far as doing those gigs again? | ||
| Someone unearthed a gig of me three months into comedy, a video that's out on YouTube, and sporadically someone finds it and went, oh, Jesus, what the fuck is this? | ||
| I remember when you had that beautiful hair. | ||
| You had beautiful long hair. | ||
| This was before it was almost poofy on top with the mullet. | ||
| It was an extraordinary mane. | ||
| Those days when you're trying to find your identity. | ||
| I wore a suit jacket on stage with rolled up sleeves because I saw a guy wear it on evening improv. | ||
| It was the comedy uniform. | ||
| Like a wacky t-shirt and a suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up. | ||
| God, it was so corny. | ||
| Pegged pants. | ||
| I had Cavaricis. | ||
| Z Cavaricis. | ||
| You remember those stupid things? | ||
| I remember because my first comedy competition was some nothing Las Vegas thing, but the winner got to actually work at a club on the Strip, which no local comic when I started in Vegas, for the listener, would ever touch. | ||
| And my buddy gave me his Z Cavaricis. | ||
| Not a leisure suit, but like a Don Johnson suit, and it was white jacket, white pants, and God knows what I wore for a shirt, and I failed miserably. | ||
| The Cavarici pants, the last time I wore them on stage, I had one of the worst bombings of my life. | ||
| I had one of those bombings that was, like, life-changing. | ||
| Like, I had to make big decisions. | ||
| I had just moved to New Jersey. | ||
| I was living with my grandmother and my grandfather. | ||
| My grandmother had an aneurysm. | ||
| They gave her 48 hours to live. | ||
| She lived for 12 years. | ||
| For 12 years. | ||
| And my grandfather had to take care of her. | ||
| And she would moan in agony and she couldn't move. | ||
| It was crazy, man. | ||
| And I lived in this house with them. | ||
| And I also broke up with my girlfriend and tore my ACL. So I had a fucked up knee. | ||
| Banner year. | ||
| And my manager had convinced me that I should dress nice on stage. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I should probably dress nicer. | ||
| And he was like, you should be like, you know, you're a good looking guy. | ||
| Wear some nice clothes. | ||
| Which is the worst advice ever for a comedian. | ||
| So you're on stage like you're going to go to a club. | ||
| Like, hey, how's everybody doing? | ||
| You know, I'm wearing like a fucking nice button up shirt. | ||
| I look like a... | ||
| I took all the advice from anyone I thought had a position of power, even if it's just because they booked the Tuesday mic at Phil's VIP lounge. | ||
| Hey, you know, a professional comic, if you want to move on to the... | ||
| And that's when I started wearing the suit coat with the sleeves rolled up and pleated pants. | ||
| I went on after Jim Brewer. | ||
| Me and Jim Brewer worked together for the whole week. | ||
| I think it was like Wednesday through Saturday, or at least Thursday through Saturday. | ||
| We had a lot of fun. | ||
| We became good friends. | ||
| It was the first time we ever worked together, and we've been good friends ever since. | ||
| I did good going on after him most nights. | ||
| Everything was fine until Saturday night. | ||
| Saturday Night Late Show. | ||
| You know how it gets. | ||
| You do that Wednesday show, Thursday show, Friday show, Saturday show. | ||
| You do two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. | ||
| You get loose. | ||
| You get loose, right? | ||
| Jim Burr got fucking loose. | ||
| Dude, he was doing this bit about coming home from drinking. | ||
| And when you're drunk and your mom's mad at you, she seems like a monster. | ||
| You do this bit. | ||
| Oh my God, he's murdering. | ||
| And his facial expressions. | ||
| And I mean, he's murdering. | ||
| And I am... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrified. | |
| Terrified backstage. | ||
| And I can barely, barely just think about my act. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| And I'm like, I cannot follow this. | ||
| There's no way I can follow this. | ||
| Like, he's way better than I am. | ||
| And I was right. | ||
| And I went up and just ate shit. | ||
| Like, he was on a total new level that night. | ||
| And I've always said to this day, like, people that have never seen Jim Brewer kill, you have no idea. | ||
| Like, there was a time where I forget what controversy he was involved in. | ||
| There was some controversy with Jim Brewer where people were mad at him recently. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| And they were saying... | ||
| I know, it's crazy. | ||
| He's the nicest guy ever. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But they were saying some real horrible things about him. | ||
| Because he made some... | ||
| It was some interview he did on a video and they were blowing it up. | ||
| And someone was saying that, you know, oh, you know, this washed up comedian, like, you are out of your fucking mind. | ||
| I've read those. | ||
| Oh, you know, he just needs the attention because he can't sell tickets. | ||
| Like, you have no idea. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The Jim Brewer fans are fucking diehards. | ||
| That guy's probably one of the most underrated stand-up comedians alive. | ||
| When he murders, I can barely breathe. | ||
| I can barely breathe when Brewer is murdering. | ||
| He brings you into his crazy mind and takes you on this little journey. | ||
| I wouldn't even call him underrated. | ||
| He's fucking raided. | ||
| He's rated, but he's so good, he should be filling arenas. | ||
| That's how good Jim Brewer is. | ||
| Jim Brewer is a monster. | ||
| So anyway, at this time, back then, I really didn't have a headliner set. | ||
| I can kind of stretch it out to a headliner set, and I knew it. | ||
| I'd only been doing comedy, like, three years. | ||
| I really didn't have 45 minutes. | ||
| I was fucking terrified. | ||
| And I went up there and bombed with my stupid Cavaricis on. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| I think it was in West Nyack, New York. | ||
| It was like a comedy loft or some shit. | ||
| Everybody had Comedy Den, Comedy Shack, Comedy This. | ||
| It was something like that. | ||
| But we became great friends. | ||
| And after that set, I made a big effort to change my material. | ||
| I cut all the fat out of my material. | ||
| I was like, I can't pretend I have 45 minutes. | ||
| What I need to do is write 45 minutes of killer shit. | ||
| Like, you can't just, like, sit on this 30 minutes and I'm stretching out to 45 minutes and bullshit. | ||
| I was, uh, forced into the fire because I was playing, uh, Missoula, Montana- no, Great Falls, Montana. | ||
| And, uh, It was a Tribble gig. | ||
| One-nighter, legendary booker of the fucking longest drives between gigs. | ||
| Okay, you do Idaho Falls, and then you drive nine hours to Billings, and then double back to go to Whitefish. | ||
| It was just crazy for no money. | ||
| It was like $125 a night in the early 90s, and now it's probably $100, and he only has like four gigs left. | ||
| He's still out there? | ||
| Yeah, you still get a few gigs. | ||
| I wanted to go on a Tribble gig just because I wanted to be able to say I wanted a Tribble gig. | ||
| Well, we do Tribble gigs ourselves because it's beautiful to be... | ||
| Yeah, but you've got to do it through him because it's a Tribble gig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| To make it official. | ||
| We just go play the same bars that he used to book. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He's got to be 100 years old. | ||
| If you could look up David Tribble because if I'm wrong and I did hear he passed away... | ||
| Did you ever do the Shuler gigs? | ||
| Shuler, no. | ||
| Where was that? | ||
| John Shuler had a gang of really good gigs in like the Connecticut area. | ||
| No, I never played New England until later in my career. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| John Shuler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shout out to John Shuler. | |
| Let me just finish. | ||
| I show up to be the 25-minute feature act. | ||
| The fucking headliner is snowed in on the other side of the pass, on the other side of Idaho. | ||
| Can't make it. | ||
| So now I have to cover fucking 90 minutes of comedy. | ||
| Having a strong 25 that day. | ||
| And I remember sitting in everything I'd ever written in my notebook, whether it's shit or not. | ||
| But I went up and I told them, like, I was supposed to do 25 minutes, so everyone was on my side. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| But it really forced me, okay. | ||
| And then I go, hey, I did... | ||
| Maybe 75 minutes. | ||
| Probably get off a little early. | ||
| But I go, okay, I can do this if I'm forced to do it. | ||
| And now I did it. | ||
| One of the things about what we do is that you never are allowed to... | ||
| You can get comfortable for a little bit until you release a special. | ||
| And then it's back to square one, bitch. | ||
| Back to square one. | ||
| You don't get to sit on your old hits. | ||
| You know, like a great band can... | ||
| When they're coming to see you. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When they're coming to see Joe Rogan and not coming to see Comedy Night because they had a coupon, now you're like, oh fuck, I owe these people something because now I have a crowd and they saw this shit last year, I'm under the gun. | ||
| Or I just put out a special. | ||
| Just put out a special is the big one. | ||
| And then the other one is like if there's a benefit to just going on a comedy night because maybe they're not Doug Stanhope fans. | ||
| There's some guys that get captured by their fans. | ||
| I am. | ||
| I'm that guy. | ||
| I don't fucking venture out. | ||
| No one get fucking canceled by their own fans. | ||
| You said this to me once. | ||
| You said, I worked 25 fucking years to get an audience. | ||
| Why would I leave them? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| And I literally have one of the best audiences when I just went back to the comedy store. | ||
| I worked the comedy store in March two nights, which I do. | ||
| LA is every 18 months when I have brand new shit. | ||
| And then I get called back to do the Netflix comedy special. | ||
| Just a couple days ago. | ||
| It's like a 10-day festival. | ||
| A Netflix comedy festival. | ||
| It's like Netflix is a joke, right? | ||
| Yeah, Netflix is a joke, which is over 10 days in LA, where all of those comics probably live in LA. Yeah. | ||
| You're not hanging out after the show. | ||
| It's not a festival for us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I went back to the comedy store to hang out, and the guy's like, I just have to tell you, When you were here, your fans are the fucking best fans. | ||
| They tip well, they drink heavy, no one complains about anything. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Now I'm getting competitive with you about fans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, people do that, Mike, yeah, your fans are the best fans. | |
| Wait, what about my fans? | ||
| What about my fans? | ||
| That is the curse of the comedian. | ||
| The guy that told me that in New York, we played Sony Music Hall, and he was saying the same thing about my fans. | ||
| Because I say, they tip almost at a gay audience level who are renowned, the best tippers. | ||
| They're the best tippers? | ||
| Gay audiences are the best tippers. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| And I go, you're up top. | ||
| There's a Griffin scale in comedy audience tippers. | ||
| And it goes from Eddie Griffin at the bottom to Kathy Griffin audiences at the top. | ||
| It's the Griffin scale of tipping. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So true. | ||
| It's a weird ride we've been on, buddy. | ||
| I remember I found out about you. | ||
| I think I was in Houston. | ||
| And where I was doing stand-up. | ||
| And then... | ||
| We were just talking about that. | ||
| Someone... | ||
| Like, people, when they tweet those old late-90 Laugh Stop Houston calendars that he used to have out coming this month, and it'd be fucking you, me, Hedberg, Louis C.K., fucking every comic that was... | ||
| No one had any idea. | ||
| Yeah, those calendars are beautiful. | ||
| If you get a hold of one of those. | ||
| I would like to get one of those Laugh Stop ones. | ||
| Laugh Stop, I mean... | ||
| And you just said that, and now you're going to get like 900 of them. | ||
| Good, get me one. | ||
| Send it to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Did you hear about Brian Hersey? | ||
| Fuck, just found that out yesterday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was not a guy... | ||
| I mean, suicide, you can't guess who's... | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Nobody knows. | ||
| But there's some that you're not as surprised as others. | ||
| And Hersey was the sweetest kid, and he had that laugh. | ||
| And it was his real laugh. | ||
| He was a funny dude, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what happened with a lot of those guys? | ||
| They were so invested in the Houston scene, and then... | ||
| What was his name that was running the laugh stop? | ||
| Mark Babbitt. | ||
| That's right, Mark. | ||
| And when they get rid of him, everything kind of changed. | ||
| And then when they closed down... | ||
| Well, he was the... | ||
| He was, yeah. | ||
| He was glue. | ||
| And yeah, he was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, some improprieties. | |
| Some theories that have floated around on the rumor mill. | ||
| Yeah, just fucking allegations. | ||
| Probably unfounded. | ||
| But the point is, the guy, like, you need a fucking crazy person to run a comedy club. | ||
| I've always said this to these comics. | ||
| I'm like, you know, don't think of yourself as having this animosity towards club owners because you need club owners. | ||
| There's this thing that comics have in the beginning where they don't feel like they're getting paid what they deserve or they don't feel like they're getting booked as much as they should or... | ||
| And they, you know, they can't get into place. | ||
| And then when they finally do get into place, and then they finally start doing well, they never forgive club owners for the way club owners used to make them feel in the early days of the career. | ||
| It's basically how ugly guys feel about hot women. | ||
| They're just mad at the women because the women don't like them. | ||
| But it had nothing to do with the women. | ||
| The women aren't doing anything wrong. | ||
| You're just gross. | ||
| You know, you're just gross. | ||
| And that's how it was with us. | ||
| Like, we were all gross, and the club owners were like, look, we have a lot of fucking, you know, David Tell's coming, a lot of people who are good are coming, I don't need you. | ||
| And that relationship, I was always telling these guys, like, you gotta have these people in your life. | ||
| And some of them are crazy. | ||
| Some of them are trying to rip you off. | ||
| It's like teachers. | ||
| When you look back of all the teachers you had in all your public schooling, you can remember a couple that did stand out and some that were fucking wretched. | ||
| And Mark Babbitt was the club owner that really gave a fuck. | ||
| Not about making money. | ||
| He supported Open Mic in that he watched people. | ||
| He helped guys grow. | ||
| He was there. | ||
| It was like his baby. | ||
| Like, I want you guys to fucking do well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was really running a community. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what Houston had for a while. | ||
| And then when it went away, it just wasn't the same. | ||
| And I hear it's coming back now, and I hear there's a good community down there now. | ||
| A lot of people, they do that. | ||
| What is that place? | ||
| A secret group? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Yeah, that's where they did Skank Fest. | ||
| That's probably where I got COVID. Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I hear nothing but good things though. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| They're doing it in Vegas and it's sold out now. | ||
| They're doing it in Vegas in October, but I had to restructure my road tour and I'm not going to be able to do it. | ||
| It fucking sucks. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, something like that, that could be done on a regular basis. | ||
| I mean, you could do a fucking Stanhope fest. | ||
| You could do, you know, just bring a bunch of your... | ||
| I mean, the whole point is that the scene is better. | ||
| Like, it's great that Skankfest is killing it, and that's... | ||
| I love that they're doing it all over the country, too. | ||
| But, like, the comedy scene in Houston is better. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| I like the fact that it's... | ||
| There's, like, because of COVID in particular, that forced a lot of people to decide what the fuck they really want to do. | ||
| And a lot of people recognized that comedy was almost taken away from everybody. | ||
| Because you couldn't do live comedy in a lot of places because of the regulations. | ||
| Everybody was scared of COVID. And when that subsided and comedy shows started coming back, there's like a newfound enthusiasm because this thing that you love to do almost went away. | ||
| I ran into a guy, a comic named Moe from Houston. | ||
| Moe Amer? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he tours with Chappelle. | ||
| He was at the festival. | ||
| It was very funny. | ||
| I'm sitting out in front of the comedy store during the day because it's closed, but they leave all the stools and tables out in that front outdoor bar patio. | ||
| So I can go from the hotel where I'm staying next door and sit and smoke and write alone during the day. | ||
| And I see Chappelle and his entourage at that coffee shop directly across the street. | ||
| And I can tell, at first I'm like, I think that's Chappelle. | ||
| And then once he lit up a cigarette where anyone else couldn't be smoked, I'm like, yeah, it's Chappelle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the funny part was those tour buses, the open top tour buses, like see the houses of the stars kind of shit. | ||
| And they'd all stop in front of the comedy store and take pictures from the bus of the comedy store. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Dave Chappelle's right. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So Moe, Chappelle left, but then Moe saw me and came across the street and he was talking about he's really trying to reopen the laugh stop in Houston. | ||
| The old place is still available? | ||
| That old place is still there? | ||
| Evidently. | ||
| Or maybe he was trying to turn the laugh spot. | ||
| That was a funny story. | ||
| There used to be two laugh stops and they sold one. | ||
| So to save money on the sign, they just switched the letters. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| That's real? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Laugh stop to laugh spot. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, and there was another guy, this is how this slides into Brian Hersey, because I was asking him, there was a comic, and I don't think it was John McDowell, but someone with a name like that that's too common to remember, but killed himself, hung himself off the balcony after a gig at the laugh stop. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I was tweeting, like, what was that guy's name? | ||
| I was trying to tally up how many comics have been found dead in their hotel. | ||
| People died on the road in a hotel. | ||
| Quite a few. | ||
| Saget recently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Carlin. | ||
| Hedberg. | ||
| Ralphie. | ||
| Hedberg. | ||
| Wait, Carlin was in a hotel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ralphie, I got corrected. | ||
| I believe Carlin was in Vegas, right? | ||
| Ralphie was... | ||
| I think he died later. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so he had an incident in the hotel? | ||
| Ralphie was not technically in a hotel, but he was doing a residency in Vegas, but they'd rented a house or something. | ||
| I got corrected when I tweeted about this. | ||
| I was trying to tally up You know, Ralphie was one of those ones where it's like, people are so different from just you and them interacting, having a conversation, to when they're untethered from other people. | ||
| And that's the thing with a guy like Ralphie. | ||
| It's like, if Ralphie could be the Ralphie that he was around his friends, I think you would have been happy and healthy. | ||
| I ran into him maybe two years before he died in Nashville. | ||
| I was working there and we went out for sushi and he was just like bitter like me and fuck this and fuck this business and everything not Ralphie. | ||
| But Ralphie was kind of a sponge of the personalities around him. | ||
| Who was around him at the time? | ||
| I don't think anyone was. | ||
| I think it's when he was going through the divorce. | ||
| The divorce probably got him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's a hard one for almost everybody. | ||
| But Ralphie was always the big, upbeat, sweet guy, so to see him in an angry place... | ||
| And I'm like, are you just copying my anger, Ralphie? | ||
| I love to complain. | ||
| I'm never really angry. | ||
| I just love to complain. | ||
| Well, I think he had a legitimate reason. | ||
| I mean, he's losing everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Losing his family, losing money, losing, you know. | ||
| And he had, like, legit health problems. | ||
| I mean, Ralphie had multiple stomach surgeries. | ||
| He had more than one to try to, you know. | ||
| But did he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He had a giant scar. | ||
| Huge scar on his stomach. | ||
| You ever see it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was not ashamed to take off his shirt, and that's one thing I love. | ||
| Anyone who can smile big with bad teeth or take off their shirt when they're fucking Ralphie's age, I have... | ||
| Most respect. | ||
| But the first time I met him in Houston in mid-90s, he told me he'd just got his stomach stapled and had lost 150 pounds or whatever. | ||
| And then a couple years later when I saw him again, he had just gotten his stomach stapled and just lost this much weight. | ||
| So I'd heard many a Ralphie story that... | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| He's not my manager. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if he's lying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's just unfortunate. | ||
| It's like he didn't have to with us. | ||
| We don't give a fuck. | ||
| If you said I had to stop at Jack in the Box and eat 75 jalapeno poppers, we don't give a fuck. | ||
| We'll laugh. | ||
| We don't care. | ||
| One of the best things about comics is they'll embrace you for whatever weird shit you're into. | ||
| Celebrate you. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| Gay, straight, black, white, Asian, European. | ||
| Literally no one cares other than, are you funny? | ||
| That's literally the currency that we... | ||
| And sometimes, come on, we have fucking really good friends that aren't funny. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| The problem is if you have a really good friend that's not funny, and they've been doing it for quite a few years, and they're fucking starving to death, and they want you to take them on the road, you're like, bro... | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Like, whatever your math that you're not doing, you need to work that math out. | ||
| I mean, whatever, 1 plus 1 equals 5. And I've got to clarify this, because it makes me crazy when other people say it. | ||
| When I say you're not funny, I mean, I don't find you funny. | ||
| When people flat out... | ||
| Especially when they're castigating a comedian for a bit that's off-color or harmful or hurtful. | ||
| And they go, well, it's just not funny. | ||
| This subject isn't funny. | ||
| No, it's not funny to you. | ||
| When you watch the clip of this that you're complaining about, you can clearly see an audience laughing. | ||
| So it's funny to someone. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| This idea that it's not funny, period. | ||
| That's so subjective. | ||
| There's things that are funny to a lot of people, like... | ||
| I don't understand the Big Bang Theory. | ||
| I watched it a bunch of times. | ||
| A lot of people are laughing. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I mean, I literally watch it like I'm- I get upset at just the commercials. | ||
| It's like I'm watching someone piece together a lawnmower. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Like, okay, but this is my reaction to it. | ||
| But that fucking show is a giant success, man. | ||
| So obviously I'm wrong. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of shit that I don't like, but other people love. | ||
| And that's a thing we gotta be more accepting about. | ||
| I used to say that about the Larry the Cable Guy heyday. | ||
| There was like two years where you couldn't go on stage without someone yelling, get her done. | ||
| And I don't want to hate Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| He's a sweetheart. | ||
| He's a sweetheart. | ||
| I hate his audience. | ||
| I don't even hate his audience. | ||
| It's the same audience that would yell out, I'm rich, bitch, at the Dave Chappelle shows. | ||
| Yeah, I hate that person too. | ||
| Dude, I watched that. | ||
| I watched Dave go on stage and like, it was during the height of the Chappelle show and before he left. | ||
| And he went on stage, I think... | ||
| I might be having a fucked-up memory about this, but I think it was at the House of Blues in Vegas, and people kept fucking yelling, I'm rich, bitch! | ||
| I remember. | ||
| It's exhausting, and I think apparently that happened at Dave Emmer. | ||
| Wait, they were yelling at you? | ||
| No, at Dave, when he was on stage. | ||
| Yeah, no, I remember that whole, they leave fucking shows early, like, fuck, I don't have to do this. | ||
| It was, I think for him, it was like he got captured by the success of this one fucking catchphrase, which is crazy. | ||
| But that can happen, man. | ||
| But it wasn't even a catchphrase. | ||
| They made it a catchphrase. | ||
| It was one sketch that stuck. | ||
| It's not like he was saying get her done on this, I'm rich bitch every night, like get her done. | ||
| But even if he is saying get her done, who gives a fuck? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| The hating of the Larry the Cable Guy thing. | ||
| There was some people that felt like he was doing things that were xenophobic, right? | ||
| Wasn't there some people that were upset that he was doing some stuff that was like during the war that they felt... | ||
| God, I'm trying to remember. | ||
| Wasn't that part of what Dave Cross was trying to say when he was mad at Larry the Cable Guy? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't remember either. | ||
| Beefs do sell tickets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And hardcore beliefs now, I've noticed, as the fucking comedy gets split into camps. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a hardcore fucking right-wing, left-wing opinion, you're selling way more tickets than a pragmatist like myself. | ||
| Well, or a centrist. | ||
| I used to think of myself as a left-wing person, but now I think of myself as left of center. | ||
| Or center, left. | ||
| This fucking world we're living in, everyone's so eager to get on a team and start throwing rocks at the other team. | ||
| And I always say that all the most important shit that we all agree on is vital to both sides. | ||
| I want to be safe. | ||
| I want to be healthy. | ||
| I want to be able to do what I want to do. | ||
| I want to be able to hang out with my friends. | ||
| I want to be able to, you know, relax with my family. | ||
| I want to be able to feed people. | ||
| I want to make sure that everybody's taken care of. | ||
| That's what we all want. | ||
| We don't want chaos and violence in our fucking home, in our neighborhood. | ||
| We don't want crime. | ||
| We don't want to be fucked over by corrupt politicians. | ||
| We all want that on right and left, right? | ||
| And then the other things that we don't agree on, I guarantee you they're less important. | ||
| The things we don't agree on, we can, like, figure out why we don't agree on, respectively, and I think you'll have more people coming towards the center and try to figure out some sort of workable solution. | ||
| The problem is, we're so goddamn polarized in this country right now. | ||
| Post-Trump, everybody's so fucking polarized, because that guy, like, pissed gasoline and lit it on fire on, like, half the fucking country. | ||
| Half the country now is never Trumpers, and if you've got 30% that think he's Jesus and they want him to come back and resurrect the Constitution, and then you got everybody else, it's like, I don't have a fucking horse in this race. | ||
| And so you got people like me that are like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Like everybody's losing their mind. | ||
| How am I a far-right guy? | ||
| A guy who almost voted for Bernie Sanders, a guy who smokes a lot of weed, a guy who grew up on welfare. | ||
| Like, I'm not. | ||
| This is not real. | ||
| You guys are crazy. | ||
| You have two completely polarized sides, and no one is being... | ||
| In any way, compassionate or charitable about the other side's opinions. | ||
| We're not meeting in the middle on all the shit that we all agree on. | ||
| But for me, maybe it's because I've kind of checked out mentally, like, that's just too anxiety-ridden, and I know I'm not gonna fucking help by having an opinion. | ||
| But you do help by having an opinion. | ||
| But I'm trying to stick to opinions that I kind of know something about. | ||
| And most of this shit I don't know about. | ||
| I've got great bits out of both of those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the fucking Ukraine. | ||
| Oh, this is funny. | ||
| The Ukraine. | ||
| Okay, I know that's the war that took the COVID out of the top slot in the news after so many weeks in the Billboard fucking top 100. Yeah. | ||
| I got an email. | ||
| I have a fan in the Ukraine. | ||
| You have the same thing, where you have fucking fans in every weird place. | ||
| And a guy emailed me, very broken English, but very sweet. | ||
| Doug, I'm probably your only Ukraine fan. | ||
| Pardon my English. | ||
| I try to do translate. | ||
| Can I stop you right here? | ||
| That was me. | ||
| I was fucking with you. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I knew it was going to happen. | ||
| Because he says, I'm your biggest comedy fan. | ||
| I watch all your Translate YouTube video. | ||
| You are best comedy god. | ||
| You must tell people what Russia is doing to my people. | ||
| People need to know in your country. | ||
| And I'm like, I think you over... | ||
| Yeah, you went too far, buddy. | ||
| I'm not buying. | ||
| Yeah, I think he thinks I have a way bigger voice than I do to tell America about the news of what's happening in the Ukraine. | ||
| And he sent me all these links. | ||
| This is stuff you will not find on mainstream media. | ||
| And I go, listen, I don't... | ||
| I have time to fucking watch the news. | ||
| It makes me crazy. | ||
| But I'll have you be my personal Ukraine war correspondent. | ||
| Just you and me. | ||
| I'm only gonna get my Ukraine news from you. | ||
| So then he just blows me up all the time. | ||
| His name's Dima. | ||
| And he's very sweet. | ||
| He's 27. We will crush these Russian- How do you know he's 27? | ||
| He tells me. | ||
| How do you know he doesn't work for the government? | ||
| He might be a 14-year-old kid in his parents' basement in Cleveland. | ||
| But I don't care. | ||
| He thinks that now he's talking to his fucking idol and being, we will crush these orcs. | ||
| They have no passion to fight. | ||
| We will wait for the spring in the tall grass and remove their heads from the necks. | ||
| And we will watch their bodies burn in delight. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| But then he'll always follow it up with, how are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This Ukraine thing is freaky. | |
| But yeah, the point is, at some point he goes, maybe you could talk to Joe Rogan. | ||
| I'm like, alright, you just saw me as a conduit to get the word out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does that happen a lot? | |
| Oh, it's happened since the man show days. | ||
| Not nearly as bad as fucking Johnny Depp now, where people, you have to get this to Johnny. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not that close of friends where I just... | ||
| Hey, Johnny, here's an email of someone who wants to buy you a home-cooked meal if you're ever in fucking ass cancer Nebraska. | ||
| But you, back in the fucking man show days, Joe won't respond to my emails. | ||
| Please tell him. | ||
| And then I would have the email printed off and tape it to the outside of my office door for you. | ||
| We showed your article that you had written a bunch of years ago about Amber Heard blackmailing Johnny. | ||
| And I remember you connected me to him on the phone, and I talked to him on the phone. | ||
| Yeah, we were pretty fucked up. | ||
| I shouldn't say that. | ||
| They're going to subpoena my texts. | ||
| I was drinking margaritas on the beach at the same time. | ||
| You were in Hawaii, and we were on fucking Johnny Depp Island. | ||
| I've been drinking margaritas. | ||
| I got my wife up. | ||
| I'm holding the phone. | ||
| I'm on the phone with Johnny Depp. | ||
| Shut the fuck down, bitch. | ||
| And he was just mumbling. | ||
| No, he was great. | ||
| Yeah, but he mumbled like Huntress Thompson from the movie. | ||
| He does that sometimes, I think. | ||
| His monologue may have affected his... | ||
| Did you watch any of the trial? | ||
| I've watched all the trial. | ||
| So you watched the poop part? | ||
| Yeah, I watched the poop part. | ||
| We were fucking dying like it was a comedy show when we're watching at the house. | ||
| When he's saying that she tried to blame it on the dog. | ||
| Dropping a grumpy... | ||
| How do you know it wasn't a dog feces? | ||
| How do you know it was human feces and not your dogs? | ||
| They're teacup Yorkies. | ||
| They weigh about four pounds each. | ||
| I've picked up their fung before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Fung, a word I've never heard. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Well, first of all, what you get out of it is that he is an actor and he's very charming, but he's also clearly a nice guy. | ||
| He's one of the sweetest people I've I 100% believe that. | ||
| I briefly said hello to him in the backstage of the main room. | ||
| I didn't really have a conversation with him until you connected me with him on the phone. | ||
| He's a sweet guy. | ||
| I mean, I might be wrong. | ||
| I mean, some people are sweet sometimes. | ||
| Some people are sweet sometimes, and you don't see them when they're... | ||
| This is the Ralphie Mae thing that I was saying earlier. | ||
| It's like the Ralphie that we were around was like a happy, joyful Ralphie. | ||
| That Ralphie should have been concerned about his overconsumption of food and his, you know, just being like... | ||
| Everybody loves you, man. | ||
| But then you go on your own. | ||
| And when you go on your own, sometimes that's a different entity. | ||
| You know, sometimes people are way different when they're on their own than when they are... | ||
| They hate themselves for whatever reason. | ||
| They get angry. | ||
| They get frustrated. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| You find out about it and you're like, that guy? | ||
| Like... | ||
| It took me a while to understand Brody. | ||
| I didn't understand Brody. | ||
| I never did. | ||
| I loved Brody, but everybody loves Brody. | ||
| How could Brody be depressed? | ||
| My feeling of Brody was so... | ||
| I knew people who were mentally ill. | ||
| I had many friends that had mental illnesses, for sure. | ||
| But Brody's was a different thing. | ||
| I didn't understand it. | ||
| Like, I didn't know how much of it was, like, him joking around and how much of it was real pain. | ||
| Yeah, how much of it is him putting on, like, a Gilbert Gottfried face. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It was so hard to tell. | ||
| And I always thought he was, you know, kind of knew how kooky he was. | ||
| And then he came out to do a... | ||
| I did a benefit show for the Humane Society in Tucson, and he came out for it, and we picked him up at the airport early, Bingo and I, and... | ||
| We went to... | ||
| It might have been after he had that kind of Twitter breakdown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he had a real breakdown. | ||
| Yeah, it was a real one, but he live-tweeted it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we went to breakfast at fucking Denny's right off the airport, and he, like, just sitting there in this very awkward silence, like, trying to... | ||
| You could see both of our gears trying to drum up small talk, because this is not the happy... | ||
| Brody, warm-up show guy that I know. | ||
| This is both of us in the morning. | ||
| I'm fucking hungover and he's mentally ill. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And socially awkward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went off his medication at one point in time and then I kind of understood what was going on. | ||
| And one of his good friends reached out to me and said, be careful in how you engage with him because he's off his medication and we're trying to bring him back. | ||
| And this is a good friend that I kind of sort of knew. | ||
| So I knew that he was friends with Brody. | ||
| So I was like, okay. | ||
| Um, what do I do? | ||
| And then I saw him on stage one night in the main room and man, it was wild. | ||
| It was like he was angry at the audience, but like the jokes weren't there anymore. | ||
| It was the same sort of, the same tempo that he had with his act. | ||
| But it was like anger instead of like, he would have like fake anger in his act and it was hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it was hilarious. | ||
| But you can't tell off stage. | ||
| Yeah, I make money! | ||
| He would say that. | ||
| When I take my mom out for dinner, it feels good to pay half. | ||
| But it was like this anger at the audience for not understanding who the fuck he is. | ||
| I was like, Holtzman. | ||
| Holtzman's the same. | ||
| Like, okay, at one point... | ||
| Holtzman appears to be holding together, though. | ||
| He came to Skankfest and he was wearing this Colonel Parker kind of Western cut, cream colored, shiny suit. | ||
| He looked a fucking million dollars. | ||
| And it's the first time I've seen him out of L.A. I've only seen him out of L.A. maybe once or twice at like Aspen Comedy Festival, but where he felt comfortable. | ||
| Like he... | ||
| He was known for, he worked the comedy store because that was his comfort zone, and outside of that, but he was fucking solid. | ||
| He was solid. | ||
| And Eddie Pepitone, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah, very solid. | ||
| God damn it, is he funny. | ||
| Eddie is a great follow on Instagram. | ||
| He's a great follow. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| He writes some really funny shit about catastrophes and linking them to corporations. | ||
| Let me stop you right there. | ||
| I do a bit about how I might be cancelled and not know it, because if you're not famous, how would you know? | ||
| But all my stuff's been taken off of Netflix, and I don't know how long the shelf life is supposed to be, or if it's on purpose. | ||
| And my Instagram has been shut down since March of 2020. You didn't know? | ||
| I never really used it, but I thought, during a pandemic, I'll learn it. | ||
| Hennigan would put up some pictures here and again. | ||
| But it was verified. | ||
| No, it's just like all of a sudden our password didn't work and we couldn't forget password. | ||
| None of it worked. | ||
| We went through every channel. | ||
| Fucking no effects. | ||
| Fat Mike's manager. | ||
| I can guarantee I've fixed this for a million of my clients. | ||
| He couldn't. | ||
| Hennigan's now got a girl that works with someone in the industry. | ||
| I definitely have it. | ||
| Still have no Instagram and you can't Yeah, real Stan Hope. | ||
| You can't get in there? | ||
| Listen, this is not like I tried something once and hit a wrong button. | ||
| It's been over two years. | ||
| I would probably write that off to too many people that work at Instagram and too many accounts. | ||
| I would write that off. | ||
| I think I can help you with that. | ||
| That's why I just said it. | ||
| Yeah, I can help you with that. | ||
| On your podcast. | ||
| Listen, you know, all these social media companies... | ||
| Is our ice girl still here? | ||
| We don't have an ice girl. | ||
| We have a large gentleman that... | ||
| I couldn't remember his name, so I said it all salty. | ||
| Don't be salty. | ||
| Young Jamie will get us some ice. | ||
| We're getting hammered, buddy. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Like the old days. | ||
| Come on, have a little neat. | ||
| I think that was missing last time. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know. | ||
| It was like 10 in the morning. | ||
| Last time, I think we did it a little early. | ||
| Cheers, my brother. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Always good to see you. | ||
| You too. | ||
| You're one of my favorite people. | ||
| If you stay alive, I'm happy. | ||
| Yeah, I don't even... | ||
| I mean, other than normal feeling bad... | ||
| Bad enough that I don't know that I have COVID, evidently. | ||
| I'm going to move you out here and get you on the protocol if anything goes sideways. | ||
| If anything goes sideways, I'm the first phone call, okay? | ||
| We're going to fucking take you out of here. | ||
| Hyperbaric chamber, sauna, cold plunge, hormones, everything. | ||
| We'll bring you right back like Frankenstein. | ||
| I've been looking for... | ||
| I always worry about repeating myself on here, but... | ||
| I was thinking like July. | ||
| I have July completely off. | ||
| Where do I go for 30 days that I don't have cigarettes and can't get cigarettes? | ||
| Because that's the easiest way to quit smoking is not have cigarettes and you just quit. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Here's what we do. | ||
| We get your account back from Instagram. | ||
| First of all, thank you, Young Jamie. | ||
| We get your account back. | ||
| Then you do a 30 day thing where you have no cigarettes for 30 days. | ||
| And you just post it on Instagram. | ||
| And Instagram will see this as an opportunity to help a lot of people that have an addiction to cigarettes. | ||
| And they'll all be able to kick it. | ||
| And there's a million places. | ||
| Like a boat. | ||
| I like to smoke. | ||
| If you're on a boat. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I like to smoke. | ||
| I heard you're starting to smoke. | ||
| One cigarette before a show. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| I broke it down to one. | ||
| I was doing three sometimes. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| Well, did he smoke? | ||
| Well, that's... | ||
| Again, it's relative. | ||
| Yeah, he smoked how much? | ||
| No one died of fucking cancer. | ||
| From a cigarette a day. | ||
| Not even a day. | ||
| Those people that you meet after shows, they go, oh, there's cigarettes. | ||
| I haven't smoked since college. | ||
| Can I get one of those? | ||
| And then they smoke like three drags and go, ooh, I can't believe I used to do this. | ||
| That was a fucking dollar, lady. | ||
| It's not good for you. | ||
| I know it's not good for you. | ||
| I know, but when they bum them where they don't really smoke, well, I really need smoke, so fuck you for... | ||
| Habitual? | ||
| Or randomly? | ||
| Sorry for having willpower. | ||
| But what I do is one before each show. | ||
| One before each show. | ||
| It's a nootropic. | ||
| There's a cognitive benefit of nicotine. | ||
| And I could take it in other forms. | ||
| Like I tried this shit right here. | ||
| This is one of them pouches. | ||
| Shaw brought this over. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| I couldn't handle that. | ||
| Can you handle that, Jamie? | ||
| Is that like chew? | ||
| No, it's like a pouch. | ||
| It's like chew. | ||
| You put it in your mouth. | ||
| You put it in your mouth. | ||
| But it's like the flavor. | ||
| And he's like, oh, this one's delicious. | ||
| Shop keeps like three or four in his mouth at all times. | ||
| The dude's medicated. | ||
| But young Jamie and I, we lasted about, what, a minute, two minutes? | ||
| Both at the same time. | ||
| We both bailed. | ||
| It doesn't even feel the same or taste the same. | ||
| I think I did bring a vape pen this time. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| I've only... | ||
| I got it specifically for here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I tried it and I'm like... | ||
| It'll probably get me through. | ||
| Dude, cigarettes. | ||
| Just smoke your cigarettes, man. | ||
| I know, I forget. | ||
| We have a whole system in here that sucks air out. | ||
| Well, I forget you smoke cigars, so I'm not, like, you're the bigger asshole. | ||
| There was a non-smoker here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's gross. | |
| They would hate you more than me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some people like to smell cigars. | ||
| And pipes. | ||
| Pipes are great. | ||
| Hedberg used to smoke pipe. | ||
| Pipes are great. | ||
| Like a corn cob pipe. | ||
| He'd smoke tobacco out of it. | ||
| Pipes are great. | ||
| Like fucking Mark Twain. | ||
| Yeah, Stephen Crowder gave me a nice pipe and some real tobacco. | ||
| He smokes pipes. | ||
| And everybody loves pipes. | ||
| They smell good. | ||
| That smell is like aromatic. | ||
| It's almost like an incense. | ||
| The cigarette smell is the one that pisses people off the most. | ||
| Cigars is only next. | ||
| Like, I like cigars. | ||
| If dandelions were as rare as roses, everyone would be picking them. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| If you only smelled a cigarette every here and again, but everyone smoked a fucking pipe. | ||
| Did you make that quote? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| It's too good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| That's so good. | ||
| What, the dandelion one? | ||
| That's a great line. | ||
| Oh, I had this fucking line. | ||
| Actually, I stole it. | ||
| Because I was in a sports bar in Philly when I was playing helium down there, and I was at a sports bar watching football, and there was this fucking arrogant blowhard who was just... | ||
| He's talking over every TV in the sports bar. | ||
| He was so loud and drunk, and he said kind of the joke, and then his buddy kind of filled it in, and I'm like, there's no way. | ||
| That's a great joke for a stage, and you just happened upon it and didn't even know it was funny, and I'm stealing that. | ||
| So, for the first several times, I would qualify with, I stole this from a loudmouth prick at the bar that didn't know it was funny, and then I added whatever I needed to, where I have a post-bucket list. | ||
| When I die, I want my remains scattered in all these special places. | ||
| On this stage, specifically, I want my remains scattered. | ||
| Things, I don't want to be cremated. | ||
| I just want... | ||
| I don't want to be cremated either. | ||
| Greg Chaley to come in and splatter my remains and fucking rendered fat and fucking bones and digits. | ||
| And then Paul Provenza came to my show in LA and he's like, that's the best joke. | ||
| And the next day he found where someone had tweeted that. | ||
| And then he goes, oh, years ago, like 2014. And he's like, that's not my joke. | ||
| That's from a Dana Gould tweet. | ||
| And I'm like, all right, now I have to dump this. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| That's the problem if you hear something funny from a friend and you try to incorporate it in your act. | ||
| It's 15 seconds that I had to cut out of my act. | ||
| Well, you know how some guys are so ethical, like Attell. | ||
| Dave Attell always did that. | ||
| And then recently, Jim Norton, last night in fact, he sent me a text. | ||
| He goes, hey, do you ever say this? | ||
| And I said, I don't say that, I say this. | ||
| He goes, because I've been doing this and someone told me that it sounds like this. | ||
| I go, no, no, no, it's not the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, it usually isn't. | ||
| Yeah, it's not at all. | ||
| But that's how ethical he is. | ||
| He heard that we had, like, crossing subjects. | ||
| Yeah, I had to call Bill Burr once, and I swear he actually said it on his podcast about NFL versus soccer or rugby, and they say, oh, football's pussies because they have to wear helmets, and we don't wear helmets in rugby, and... | ||
| And I swear it was Bill Burr on a podcast that said, yeah, but you never hear about a fucking rugby player shooting himself in the heart so they can study his brain because he's fucking crazy at 40. I'm paraphrasing and doing a bad accent. | ||
| But I called him up. | ||
| He goes, I don't remember ever saying that at all, but fucking cool on you for checking. | ||
| I still think. | ||
| And it wasn't even for my act. | ||
| It was for something I was writing. | ||
| Someone will find it because you're saying it now. | ||
| Someone will find it and they'll get it to you. | ||
| Yeah, but that was years ago. | ||
| But the point is, yeah, it's always fun to make the call. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The calls are good. | ||
| I've called Bill about subjects before because he's a guy who's seen a lot of guys. | ||
| And there's like a few guys that I feel like are, you know, I've known Bill for fucking forever, as long at least as I've known you. | ||
| And, you know, he's at the top of the food chain now. | ||
| Well, you know him on the East Coast, too, right? | ||
| I was leaving Boston right when he was starting. | ||
| I was gone. | ||
| Like, right when he was starting. | ||
| Then Patrice O'Neal and him, and there was a couple other guys that were in that little group. | ||
| I got second wave. | ||
| I got B wave. | ||
| A wave was like Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, Lenny Clark, Kevin Knox, Mike Donovan, a few other guys in that group. | ||
| There was like so many fucking elite comedians. | ||
| And then I came in right when comedy was realizing that a lot of people had these formulaic acts. | ||
| They were almost like carpenters. | ||
| They figured out how to hit a nail with a hammer and they just did an act. | ||
| Yeah, you can do comedy if you're a scientist that goes, oh, if I say this and this is incongruous, that makes... | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Someone told me I could get pussy for a dollar in this town, and that was the mayor. | ||
| Oh, the mayor wouldn't say that, so it's funny. | ||
| I was reading this, listening to this audiobook, that I've read this book four or five times. | ||
| It's The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. | ||
| And I haven't picked it up in forever. | ||
| I used to have a stack of them at my studio and I'd give them out to guests. | ||
| And I was reading it, listening to it on an audiobook in the sauna today. | ||
| And one of the things that he said, he said he was talking about how some people will say things because they think that other people want to hear that. | ||
| They'll say whatever is popular. | ||
| That they think other people will think is funny rather than they think it's funny. | ||
| He was talking about how this is a trap and that what you've got to do is say, just talk about it from your perspective and that'll resonate with other people and that's the only way you can do it. | ||
| When I started comedy, I was writing things that I thought people would laugh at. | ||
| 100%, me too. | ||
| I got to a point, and that was probably a change in my career, where the stuff I would laugh at hysterically with me and my friend back in the fucking apartment, I'd go, but you could never do that on stage. | ||
| Well, if I'm laughing this hard, yeah, you should do that on stage. | ||
| That's how I got into comedy. | ||
| I got into comedy from one of my best friends in life. | ||
| His name is Steve Graham. | ||
| And I'm going to see him this weekend in Phoenix. | ||
| He's a guy that I was friends with when I was 15. And I would make him laugh. | ||
| And he was like, you should be a comedian. | ||
| And I said, no, no, no. | ||
| I go, you think I'm funny. | ||
| But other people are gonna think I'm an asshole. | ||
| You just like me, so I can say crazy shit to you. | ||
| And he's like, no, no, no, you really should be a comedian. | ||
| And I was like, oh man, there's no way. | ||
| But that is what comedy is. | ||
| What comedy is, is like finding, like if you pay to, like anybody before Pryor, imagine Pryor's material delivered by anybody before Pryor. | ||
| And you'd be like, how? | ||
| How could you do this? | ||
| How are you doing this? | ||
| How are you making this enormous leap of comedy? | ||
| What's happening here? | ||
| How are you able to bring people together and they feel warm and friendly at the same time they're laughing hysterically? | ||
| How are you doing that? | ||
| I think it was once I was making enough money to live that I go, well, yeah, I can do that now. | ||
| I say there's three stages of comedy, but there might be four. | ||
| But the three stages that I recognized when I started thinking about this in terms of a structure, stage one, they're tools. | ||
| Whatever I have to do. | ||
| Whatever I have to do to get laughs. | ||
| I just want to get laughs. | ||
| I just want to make them laugh. | ||
| I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing. | ||
| Stage two, things that I think are funny. | ||
| What makes me laugh? | ||
| I would like to see this guy live. | ||
| When I was an amateur comedian and aspiring, I was thinking about being a comedian, I saw a bunch of people live. | ||
| And I remember thinking how amazing it was to go see Kevin Meany live at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge with my friend Diane DeRosa. | ||
| Her and I were sitting there watching this guy and we were crying. | ||
| And I wasn't old enough to do comedy yet. | ||
| I was like 20. You know, I was like thinking about doing comedy, I think. | ||
| And when you go back and you think about those days, and you think about what that feeling was like when you just wanted to see comedy. | ||
| Like, that's what you want. | ||
| You want to keep that. | ||
| Have you kept that? | ||
| We just had this conversation with someone. | ||
| How much... | ||
| Comedy, doing comedy, ruined comedy for you on so many levels. | ||
| Like, you're a fan of comedy before you start doing it yourself. | ||
| But when you get into it, then you learn, oh, that's a hacked premise. | ||
| It kind of ruins the illusion. | ||
| But not necessarily. | ||
| But then you see Dave Attell, and you appreciate him even more. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Even more, right? | ||
| One of my all-time favorites. | ||
| I hate to do superlatives, but who's your favorite comic of all time? | ||
| I always say Attell. | ||
| I have a list of them. | ||
| I love them all. | ||
| And you're on that list. | ||
| There's no one person. | ||
| But when you do an interview, they need the worst heckler you've ever had. | ||
| Those interviews can suck my dick. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| They don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| Listen, I'm too old to have the best or worst. | ||
| You do that when you're 12. Exactly. | ||
| When you've only seen 10 movies, you know your favorite movie. | ||
| What's your favorite color? | ||
| Yeah, so there's three stages. | ||
| Well, there's still only like seven, so I can go with orange every time. | ||
| Are you colorblind? | ||
| So there's seven stages of comedy. | ||
| There's like, do whatever it works, do things you think are funny, and then ideas that you turn into funny. | ||
| Like, for me, one of the big ones was, I was trying to figure out how they built the pyramids. | ||
| And I'm like, maybe the dumb people just outfucked the smart people. | ||
| Nobody was fucking the smart people. | ||
| One of my... | ||
| Storytelling, like, for an 11-minute bit, I think it is. | ||
| It's a long-ass bit. | ||
| Still one of the best. | ||
| That and Ron White's, you know, Drunk in Public. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I would like to go back. | ||
| I also wish I could do that one again. | ||
| I do, too, because... | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I see this with a lot of comics that you've known over the years. | ||
| When that was getting towards the best of that bit, by the time you recorded it, I remember three pieces that were left out that were just little tiny things that the general public, like, oh, he didn't say that thing. | ||
| It's kind of like Sean Rouse's tsunami bit. | ||
| You know Sean Rouse's tsunami? | ||
| I never heard that bit. | ||
| Is it available? | ||
| You can find it on YouTube. | ||
| With a big scab on his face on stage because the night before he had taken a header. | ||
| He had done that so many times where he'd go on stage with a giant scab on his forehead or chin from when he had just fallen down blackout drunk the night before that he had regular bits to do about scabs. | ||
| He had a fallback. | ||
| He had I fell and hit my head bits. | ||
| Yeah, like long ones. | ||
| But he had this bit about the tsunami, which is still one of my... | ||
| That's in the top three favorite fucking storytelling bits about the Japanese tsunami. | ||
| Or the other one. | ||
| The Bangkok one. | ||
| Well, there was both. | ||
| There was two. | ||
| His bit was the Bangkok one. | ||
| He might have died before... | ||
| No, he didn't die before the Japanese one. | ||
| When did he die? | ||
| No, he died right on time. | ||
| He died a little late. | ||
| You know, he was a guy where I was like, man, there's people who have rheumatoid arthritis, like he had, that change a lot of things about their lifestyle and their diet, and they can mitigate some of the symptoms. | ||
| But when I first met him, he was so fucked up. | ||
| I remember thinking I don't even know if I should like tell him about this stuff because he first of all the guy like to drink every night Yeah as a part of who he was and because of the arthritis he was on so many meds yeah that already depleted his fucking liver just to keep him alive that he could have Two, three gin and tonics and go from normal to I'm biting people. | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
| He would bite people. | ||
| Well, he probably... | ||
| That's the only thing that worked well. | ||
| Tom Giannis, who was the head writer on The Man Show, right after it ended... | ||
| No, I'm playing one of the buttfuck places like Fresno or Bakersfield, one of the Grapes of Wrath down circuit. | ||
| And so, Shawnee, Tom Giannis rides his motorcycle up to watch the gig, and we're in some podunk saloon after the show, and Sean Rouse is fucking out of control, and he bites a lady. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I'm sorry for laughing at that because I don't want that lady to get bit. | ||
| But just the fact that... | ||
| And the bouncer comes over and he tells... | ||
| I'm sitting in a different section. | ||
| We don't see it. | ||
| I'm sitting in a different part of the bar with Tom Giannis. | ||
| And the bouncer, this giant fucking bouncer comes over. | ||
| Listen, you guys get to go. | ||
| Your friend just bit a lady. | ||
| And Tom Giannis said something snarky and smart fucky. | ||
| And the bouncer looks at him and he's sitting in a booth. | ||
| He's a big guy. | ||
| He's a biker guy, but like soft big. | ||
| He's not the kind of guy that you would go, oh, I wouldn't fuck with this guy. | ||
| He's dressed kind of biker-y and slouching. | ||
| Whatever he said snarky, the bouncer said... | ||
| We can do this the hard way, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way. | ||
| And Giannis, with his cherubic face, went, smiling, alright, choices be, let's do the hard way. | ||
| He said that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| And then he smiled as he made the bouncer fucking manhandle him out of the bar. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Along with Rouse. | ||
| And I was happy to go. | ||
| I was shit-faced. | ||
| I had just done a show. | ||
| I was ready for bed. | ||
| I didn't want to hang out and see the bright lights. | ||
| He really said the hard way? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he looked it over like he's on the fucking Price is Right, guessing the fucking price of an auction. | ||
| And he goes, we can do the hard way. | ||
| I think he's trying to oppress us. | ||
| I don't think there's a moment in my life where I would have said the hard way. | ||
| I don't think a single moment. | ||
| Well, you've probably never been thrown out of a bar because you're probably well behaved. | ||
| I'm well behaved. | ||
| Have you talked to Giannis? | ||
| No, no, I haven't seen him in forever. | ||
| The last time I remember seeing Giannis. | ||
| Do you remember our gaff on the first taping of The Man Show where We were outside. | ||
| I was smoking, so you're hanging out and tolerating me outside. | ||
| Tolerating you? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I love you. | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| Not my cigarettes. | ||
| You had to come talk to me because I'm always outside smoking. | ||
| I wanted to talk to you. | ||
| Why do you have to qualify it? | ||
| I like hanging out with you, Doug. | ||
| I was so adamant that we- Jamie, you feel me on this? | ||
| This is bullshit, right? | ||
| Oh, you meant- I mean, anyone who has to always follow me outside because I always have to smoke. | ||
| Point being, we're talking shit about... | ||
| I remember throwing a temper tantrum in the man show about this shouldn't be the opening fucking thing that you're putting out. | ||
| We're filming our first opening thing, and we go outside, and we're like, the Jesus gun? | ||
| It doesn't even make sense! | ||
| Because they had shit-canned all of our ideas that were kind of hard. | ||
| They were a little on the rough. | ||
| The ones that we laughed at. | ||
| And now we're doing the ones that we hope they laugh at. | ||
| And we're talking about how shitty this one bit is, and blaming the writers, which... | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we didn't realize we were fucking miked. | ||
| And Tom Giannis was on his headset listening to every word about Fuck the Writer's Room. | ||
| And he came out sheepishly. | ||
| You know, I could hear everything you said. | ||
| And... | ||
| Jesus gun, you know, because it's incongruous, so that's... | ||
| He tried to explain, but our relationship was always suspect after that. | ||
| He accepted our apology, but it probably hurt him. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He didn't get along with Joey, though. | ||
| There was a thing with him and Joey. | ||
| But cut to, last time I saw him, you had come to my show at some rock and roll bar in Hollywood. | ||
| You know, I realized then I never wanted to do a stand-up show. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's... | ||
| The whole audience had to stand up like, my fucking knees hurt. | ||
| I know, and we've stopped doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we all got together to go to... | ||
| Jim Norton. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Oh, we all went to... | ||
| What's the deli on Fairfax? | ||
| Cantor's or something? | ||
| Yeah, Cantor's. | ||
| Yeah, we all... | ||
| There was a bunch of us, five or six of us, and we all... | ||
| But Tom Giannis had kind of lagged behind, and then we all got to Cantor's and went... | ||
| Did anyone tell Tom we're going? | ||
| I think we're all going fucking breakfast after the show, dinner, late night food, and no one noticed Tom had run off to piss. | ||
| I'm like, still to this day, I feel like he thinks we ditched him on purpose. | ||
| One of the things I really respect about that dude, Tom Giannis rode a fucking motorcycle in the rain. | ||
| I just did fucking Adam Carolla's podcast. | ||
| Again, I always think... | ||
| Why are you talking while I'm smoking a cigarette? | ||
| People are going to know. | ||
| Which was the first time. | ||
| The only time I'd ever met him was right after our version of the man show gratefully died. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I was doing Stern and he was coming off as the previous guest as I was going in and I just looked at him. | ||
| I go, hey, sorry for ruining your show. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| I don't care about that. | ||
| That's more of Jimmy's thing than my thing. | ||
| Jimmy had a thing because he felt like he was wronged economically. | ||
| And I don't know what's right or what's wrong, so I will not comment. | ||
| But I love Jimmy. | ||
| And as much as Jimmy has been, you know, maligned and... | ||
| I'll tell you what, when I met that guy in real life, Jimmy Kimmel's a sweetheart. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Yeah, I can't imagine he's anything but... | ||
| I can't imagine. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what words have ever come out of his mouth. | ||
| I like that man's essence. | ||
| And when I'm around Jimmy Kimmel, I realize he's a nice guy. | ||
| He's a really nice guy. | ||
| Never met him. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| And so is Adam. | ||
| A month ago, I did Adams. | ||
| I finally got to... | ||
| Meet Adam. | ||
| That's the first time? | ||
| Yeah, it was the first time, and it was fucking great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A month ago? | |
| Yeah, when I was doing the Comedy Store. | ||
| I did a bunch of... | ||
| Fitzsimmons? | ||
| Fitzsimmons! | ||
| I did his podcast. | ||
| I fucking love Fitzsimmons. | ||
| I love him to death. | ||
| Fitzsimmons and I started out a week apart from each other. | ||
| I just filmed a movie where... | ||
| I'm starring in it, so you're not going to be seeing it in theaters, but... | ||
| I thought, I'm playing, guess what, a washed-up, 55-year-old alcoholic, road comedian, chain-smoking, who's dying of liver failure. | ||
| Who'd have guessed they thought of me first? | ||
| So there's a guy that's playing a comic friend that I haven't seen in 17 years. | ||
| And Michael Bean, I told you last time, he's now my neighbor and buddy. | ||
| He's the guy from Terminator. | ||
| He goes, just let me read the script. | ||
| I'll see if it's good. | ||
| And then he read it, and he goes, I submitted myself for this part of your old comic friend, like, triple gig, road comic friend from 17 years ago. | ||
| That stinks, but he's still doing it. | ||
| And I'm like, well, this is cool. | ||
| And they're like, Michael Biehn really wants to do this? | ||
| Michael Biehn at the last minute got cold feet. | ||
| You don't have a script supervisor? | ||
| I've never in 40 years gone to a film. | ||
| I'm like, yes. | ||
| Who's Michael Biehn? | ||
| Show me a picture of this guy. | ||
| I think I know who he is, but I might be incorrect. | ||
| Yeah, he was Terminator, The Abyss, The Rock. | ||
| Like head-on. | ||
| Yeah, aliens. | ||
| Oh, he's been in everything. | ||
| Yeah, he's been in the fucking everything. | ||
| He's your friend? | ||
| Yeah, he moved to Bisbee. | ||
| Michael, come on my podcast. | ||
| Oh, he would. | ||
| I've had him on my podcast. | ||
| Please come on mine. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I'm sure he is. | ||
| If he lives in Bisbee, and he used to be in He also lives sometimes in LA, and I'm like, I would have you as a co-host for my podcast. | ||
| He's that funny, but he can't remember any references, so when you talk to him, we play trivia. | ||
| And he was in the movie, the guy with the dog, the slobbery dog, the guy from... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He guessed Cujo, the Tom Hanks one. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| What was the Tom Hanks one? | ||
| The dog? | ||
| Clifford. | ||
| Turner and Hooch. | ||
| The point is, you guessed like that. | ||
| You guessed Cujo, I guessed Turner and Hooch. | ||
| Yeah, Turner and Hooch. | ||
| And who's the guy that's in QAnon and he eats baby's blood? | ||
| Tom Hanks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen. | |
| So you're always playing trivia with him, and he's so hilarious to hang out with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom makes... | |
| Tom. | ||
| I go, hey, Michael P., when did you quit drinking? | ||
| He goes, I think it was somewhere between the stroke and the heart attack. | ||
| He's fucking... | ||
| And I like him so much. | ||
| I don't remember my point in this. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that that are misrepresented. | ||
| How did this get... | ||
| Is he in your movie? | ||
| He wanted to be in... | ||
| Oh, so he was going to play this part in the movie. | ||
| He got cold feet. | ||
| And then, yeah, so at that point, I just... | ||
| Bobcat is just... | ||
| We're filming outside of Chicago. | ||
| Bobcat Goldthwait? | ||
| Yeah, Bobcat. | ||
| I love Bobcat. | ||
| Because... | ||
| Sorry, Michael, I know you're listening. | ||
| But, yeah, it got to a place... | ||
| This was such a fucked production as every independent movie is with fucking... | ||
| We didn't get the permit we were supposed to get, so now we're going to try to pick up a shot over here. | ||
| And he got... | ||
| So, Bobcat had just gotten a hold of me, and I'm like, Bobcat can play this fucking part easily. | ||
| Bobcat, I sent him, hey, this probably pays as little as legally as allowable. | ||
| But it's two days of shooting, and he wrote back, if I had a nickel for every time I had to replace Michael Biehn in a motion picture, I'd love to do it. | ||
| I'm like, that easy. | ||
| 30 minutes later, fucking recast with someone with a name. | ||
| Not only that, but Bobcat is a legend. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I love Bobcat Goldway. | ||
| Windy City Heat is one of the best movies ever. | ||
| I never watched it because I feel bad about that dude. | ||
| That dude was always at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I'm like, he needs medication. | ||
| But Bobcat has the best Bigfoot movie of all time. | ||
| Oh, I haven't seen that one. | ||
| It's called Willow Creek. | ||
| It's a legit, non-funny horror movie. | ||
| And it's fucking fantastic. | ||
| The one he did about everything we fantasize about is killing every reality star douchebag. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| American something. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| He'll find it. | ||
| Bobcat is the shit, but I'm telling you. | ||
| One of the best people. | ||
| Willow Creek. | ||
| Willow Creek is the best Bigfoot movie that's ever been made. | ||
| You think about a legend that everybody knows about. | ||
| There's a giant hairy ape that lives in the woods in the Pacific Northwest and someone got it on film in 1969. Bobcat Goldwaite made the best version of that ever. | ||
| You don't even see the thing. | ||
| I don't want to say that. | ||
| I should have said that. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I will watch it. | ||
| It's like Blair Witch Project style. | ||
| Like where it's people that are going there and they're like joking around, documenting. | ||
| God bless America. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Who's the other dude? | ||
| I don't know who they were, but... | ||
| They were awesome. | ||
| Who are those people? | ||
| Who are those actors? | ||
| Because they were amazing. | ||
| They were, but I don't think they have names. | ||
| They're human beings. | ||
| They're someone's baby. | ||
| Who are the people? | ||
| Joel Murray. | ||
| Tara Lynn Barr. | ||
| Both of you guys fucking killed it. | ||
| That was a great movie. | ||
| Bobcat jumps on the fucking roll. | ||
| How about Chase the Clown? | ||
| Wait, Bobcat takes the roll. | ||
| I've solved everything. | ||
| I'm the fucking hero for calling Bobcat and getting him to agree after everyone's panicked that how are we going to recast this when we're shooting in four days? | ||
| Bobcat gets COVID, has to duck out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| So then, no, we're running through a list of names, and I said, Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| And this guy who was scheduled to be a bit actor, a waiter, that says, everything okay, here's your check. | ||
| That's all he had to say. | ||
| But he's a comedy fan that flew out from L.A. He goes, I just DM'd Fitzsimmons on Twitter. | ||
| He says he's available. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Well, you kind of jumped your fucking... | ||
| In our strategy session, you overheard, but it worked out beautifully. | ||
| And he plays a comedian friend that I haven't seen in 17 years. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Where I haven't seen him. | ||
| I go, I did the math. | ||
| Yeah, Man Show is 2004, so you're literally playing yourself. | ||
| My ex-girlfriend that I go back to find from 25 years ago, do you remember Christine Hodge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You told me, yeah. | ||
| You told me this whole story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's awesome. | ||
| She plays your love interest. | ||
| Yeah, it was like everyone was playing themselves. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| When does this come out? | ||
| Posthumously. | ||
| I'm telling you, if you want to get scared, Willow Creek. | ||
| It's a shit. | ||
| It's a really good movie. | ||
| And I love Bobcat, but Bobcat is... | ||
| Shakes the clown. | ||
| The opening scene. | ||
| One at a time. | ||
| Bobcat is all in on Willow Creek. | ||
| He's all in on Bigfoot. | ||
| He really believes Bigfoot's real. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Bobcat is an atheist until it comes to Bigfoot. | ||
| And you're not mocking him. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| Both you and I have believed some really dumb shit that it took us 20 years to fucking go up. | ||
| I'm not sure I let any of it go. | ||
| But I believe in Bigfoot. | ||
| I believe Bobcat, unfortunately, he believes in the Patterson footage. | ||
| And the Patterson footage as like real, there's like, you can connect the dots and see that it's bullshit. | ||
| I thought that's the legendary one that Hedberg made the joke about. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Bigfoot's blurry. | ||
| Maybe Bigfoot is blurry, which is way more scary. | ||
| There's an out-of-focus monster out there. | ||
| By the way, Hedberg on David Letterman said, there's a friend of mine that is a big fan. | ||
| I'm paraphrasing. | ||
| I played tennis with my good friend Doug? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was his first one. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not Doug. | ||
| Brian Hersey. | ||
| He mentioned Brian Hersey randomly on Letterman. | ||
| All of his bits. | ||
| Dufresne, Party 2. That was an actual person. | ||
| Yeah, I loved him, man. | ||
| You remember when we were on the set of Man Show and you told me that he was dying because he had gangrene? | ||
| No, we were filming some kind of lead-in thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| And we were riffing and I said something about amputee porn. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You pulled me aside. | ||
| You just got a phone call. | ||
| Yeah, but we had just said something about amputee porn or amputee something in a take that we go, they'll never use that take. | ||
| We were riffing. | ||
| And then right after that, I got a call from Don King. | ||
| Rest in peace. | ||
| Don King was the king of Austin titty bars. | ||
| He was like- He died? | ||
| Yeah, I was supposed to come out right after I did your show last time. | ||
| They had a memorial for him a week later. | ||
| I'm like, I just did that drive. | ||
| No, I got one over here. | ||
| You're double fisting me. | ||
| Neat, get in there. | ||
| How many people would give a right leg, speaking of amputees, to get double fisted by Joe Rogan? | ||
| Daddy's not driving. | ||
| Well, do you drive anymore? | ||
| Well, not tonight. | ||
| Are you like fucking Johnny Depp where you always have a driver? | ||
| Occasionally. | ||
| I have drivers occasionally. | ||
| Johnny has all sorts of muscle cars like you, or at least one. | ||
| And I go, when's the last time you actually drove a car? | ||
| Well, there was one time. | ||
| When? | ||
| I don't really remember, but yeah. | ||
| I drove here. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I maintain being sober a good percentage of the time. | ||
| We have a fucking show tonight. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to have a good time. | ||
| And fucking Roseanne's coming. | ||
| Yeah, don't tell anybody. | ||
| Well, it'll be after the fact. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| One of the beautiful things about this show is Doug Stanhope. | ||
| We don't even advertise. | ||
| No advertising. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's all word of mouth. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know who we don't advertise to? | ||
| Me. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| You told me. | ||
| You don't remember. | ||
| No, I have the text feed. | ||
| I go, am I being crazy? | ||
| Well, last time, I'm coming out here, and I'm like, all right, just tell me. | ||
| I'll show you the fucking text message. | ||
| I go, okay, I'll be there Sunday night and leave Wednesday. | ||
| Just tell me the details of where and when to be. | ||
| This is what's wrong. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| I can't wait to see you. | ||
| With none of the details. | ||
| I don't know if I'm doing the podcast or the show. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're here. | |
| I know. | ||
| We're here and we worked it out. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Carrie Mitchell had to text me. | ||
| She said, this man needs a... | ||
| Oh yeah, the picture she took. | ||
| Yeah, she said, he needs a where and when. | ||
| Like, I don't know how much time I'm doing. | ||
| I don't know if I should promote the gig. | ||
| It matters nothing. | ||
| I know it doesn't matter now. | ||
| The best thing is to get into the state we could just be Doug Stanhope. | ||
| It means nothing. | ||
| And I go, Doug Stanhope, you're on. | ||
| And just push you onto the stage. | ||
| And to get me into that state, I have to know what time I should not be shit-faced like I was last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This is the way. | ||
| Don't take 50 milligrams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers. | |
| Come on. | ||
| Take 175. Don't take 50 milligrams and then have Joe Rogan go, Show starts now! | ||
| Let's do mushrooms. | ||
| Let's do mushrooms. | ||
| Oh, I'm scared of them. | ||
| I'm scared of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| That's the point. | ||
| Come on, Douglas. | ||
| How long has it been? | ||
| Yesterday. | ||
| I did do micro-dosed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For me? | |
| I'm doing them all the time. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Small amounts. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I don't want to even say her name, but yeah, Carmen Morales. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, she came out. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Don't say her name. | ||
| She's a comic. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| If you don't want to say her name, don't say her name. | ||
| Let's call her... | ||
| She would want her name to be said. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She wasn't dealing drugs. | ||
| She's giving you drugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| You've given me drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh! | |
| Don't tell these fucking people. | ||
| Can you black out the Joe Rogan experience and just say the experience? | ||
| Doug Stanhope, the first time he and I did DMT, I was worried I lost him. | ||
| I was really genuinely worried you were gone. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| You had gone to this snoring thing where I was like, do I lift him up so that he doesn't swallow his fucking tongue? | ||
| I was like, oh my god, if I kill Doug, if the man show dies, because I give Doug DMT. It was dying, by the way. | ||
| We knew we were writing the last monologues ever. | ||
| And that's what fucked me up. | ||
| We've told this story every time, I'm sure, on your podcast. | ||
| But we were at your house writing, we know this is the last of the monologues, and they're fucking just pap, dredged, fucking awful. | ||
| What's up, guy? | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| By the end, when we know it's fucking over and we're beaten. | ||
| Yeah, well, there was some... | ||
| Last time you want to smoke DMT... My first time, like, alright, this sucks, and we're just getting through this, and then you want to smoke DMT, and then I go fucking into alternate realities, and then I come out of it 10 minutes later saying, I remember, I came out of it just saying, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, because I've just learned the fucking... | ||
| You know what else you said? | ||
| You said, you've already seen this. | ||
| You said that to me. | ||
| Oh, you've already seen this. | ||
| You've already seen this. | ||
| I swear the picture of fucking Bill Hicks on your wall winked at me, and when I said that to you... | ||
| The one with him lighting the American flag with a cigarette. | ||
| Lighting the cigarette with the American flag. | ||
| But I came out of it, and I looked, and I swear Bill Hicks fucking winked at me. | ||
| When I said that to you, you went, uh, fucking... | ||
| Looked at me like cliché. | ||
| But I swear that happened. | ||
| I'm not even that big a Bill Hicks fan. | ||
| You were just insecure because you had experienced death and you came back. | ||
| When I would go outside to smoke cigarettes from the writer's room on the lot after that, for a week, I couldn't make direct eye contact with the giant dumpster-sized electrical generator because I thought I could make it blow up with my mind. | ||
| The wiring in my head was so... | ||
| I've never done it since. | ||
| People try to drop that off at the merch booth. | ||
| I go, never again. | ||
| We should do it tonight. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| Yeah, come on, man. | ||
| You're okay. | ||
| When I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes, yeah, that would be. | ||
| You're better now because of that day. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, you are. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because you know that that's possible. | ||
| You didn't know that that was possible. | ||
| But it's hard to break up. | ||
| Okay, I'm gonna write a bit about this that now I know is dog shit and means nothing. | ||
| Because I've been through that experience. | ||
| Where you go, this is all so fucking... | ||
| Life is so silly, but you still have to make a living by... | ||
| But Doug, just express that. | ||
| You don't have... | ||
| I've been doing that. | ||
| I know you have, but don't worry about that. | ||
| It doesn't have to be dog shit and silly. | ||
| It's you. | ||
| You don't think about that. | ||
| Think about you. | ||
| Think about if you were like some 24-year-old guy working in a fucking newspaper distributor office. | ||
| You had a bullshit job and you're allowed to listen to podcasts and you listen to you talk about your experience. | ||
| Don't worry about like your own fucking weirdness in handling it. | ||
| Worry about what it is. | ||
| What it is is like you died and came back. | ||
| Like, you really felt like you died and came back. | ||
| When you came back... | ||
| I didn't feel like I died. | ||
| I felt like I knew... | ||
| You said to me... | ||
| Hearsay, Your Honor. | ||
| This is what you said. | ||
| You said, life eats life. | ||
| You said, life just eats life. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is what you said. | ||
| When you were coming out, you were like, life just eats life. | ||
| Life just eats life. | ||
| It just keeps going. | ||
| It keeps going. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| I'm just trying to hang on. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| It's like, you've already been there. | ||
| You've already been here. | ||
| You've already been here. | ||
| Ultimate knowledge. | ||
| And you're like, you took me to this place. | ||
| You've already been there. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| Because I thought you were going to die. | ||
| And I was like, God damn it. | ||
| Nobody's ever died from this shit. | ||
| I'm like, if Doug's the first guy to die, I'm like, maybe I overestimated the RPMs that his fucking engine handle and redlined. | ||
| But you got through it. | ||
| And that was the thing you kept saying. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| Life eats life. | ||
| Life is life. | ||
| But the dichotomy of having to go from that supernatural experience in 10 minutes and then go back to, oh wait, now we really have to try at finishing up these dumb monologues. | ||
| Yeah, but that's okay too. | ||
| That's okay too, because that's a unique challenge. | ||
| That's like some weird thing we're doing. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| You know, the only reason I ever did that show is because of you, 100%. | ||
| Like, they brought it up to me. | ||
| We've got to get some more. | ||
| Lighter. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Oh, here. | ||
| Or this one. | ||
| I must have it. | ||
| They said to me, like, you know, we, Adam and Jimmy, are not going to do the man show, and we would like you to host it. | ||
| You know, who would you like? | ||
| And they brought to me a bunch of people that I don't want to name. | ||
| And then they... | ||
| Well, I'll tell you who I had to co-audition with. | ||
| You couldn't do the man show until NBC gave you the out. | ||
| So you were always on hold, on waivers. | ||
| By the way, shout out to NBC for letting me fucking do that. | ||
| I don't know why they even let me do that. | ||
| I don't know why they let me do that, but the only way I would do it was with you. | ||
| In the meantime, though, they had 10 comics that you had to audition with separately. | ||
| Okay, you guys, now we're going to pair you and you up, and you write a monologue and then have one sketch prepared, and you do it in front of a fake audience of, like, 19 homeless people that we could lure in here for $5. | ||
| So Dane Cook was one. | ||
| I love my history with Dane Cook. | ||
| Never a fan of his comedy, but I'm not a fan of most comedy. | ||
| But we did fine. | ||
| We coexisted. | ||
| Patrice. | ||
| I got hooked up with Patrice. | ||
| And as we're going back to the room to try to write a monologue and a sketch, he just looked at me not pleasantly and said, I don't work well with other people. | ||
| LAUGHTER And I'm like, this is going to be tough. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you know Patrice before that? | ||
| I had seen him or met him at just peripherally the Chicago Comedy Festival. | ||
| So no, I didn't know. | ||
| Oh, that's what he does. | ||
| Yeah, he's joking around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he wasn't. | ||
| But he was. | ||
| He was and he wasn't. | ||
| Most comics don't work with other comics. | ||
| We do our own shit. | ||
| And if you have to work around another comic, it usually sucks unless you have some Jeff Ross, David Tell chemistry. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Where you can ride the ride, but Ralph Garman was the other one. | ||
| I love Ralph too. | ||
| When you had just gotten approved, if you hadn't gotten the okay from NBC, it was going to be either me and Dane Cook or me and Ralph Garman. | ||
| And then you get the thing, you go, no, Stanhope or no one. | ||
| Yeah, because they were like, they gave me like a whole list of people. | ||
| I go, git, git, git. | ||
| I go, Stanhope. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There's Stanhope or no one. | ||
| And they're like, are you serious? | ||
| I go, yeah, I don't want to do this unless it's Stanhope. | ||
| If you bring me Stanhope, I go, we got a project. | ||
| And then they called you, and you said yes. | ||
| And then they called me, and they said Stan Hope said yes. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, we're on. | ||
| And they were lying to us through their fucking teeth. | ||
| They're like, you can do nudity, we'll blur it out, you can swear. | ||
| They go, we want to get sued. | ||
| That's what they said to me in the meeting. | ||
| You weren't there. | ||
| They said, we want to get sued. | ||
| If we get sued, it'd be great. | ||
| I go, Stan Hope, we're going to get sued. | ||
| I go, he's the animal. | ||
| I go, this is perfect, because I have so much obligations already with Fear Factor that I knew that Stan Hope would be able to take care of it. | ||
| I'm trying to dig a layer deeper because we always talk Man Show stories and probably we always tell the same ones. | ||
| The thing about what we did on the Man Show is if you could do that, both of us don't want to do that now, but if you could do that where no one would tell you what to do, where no one would tell you what's funny, what's not funny, just let you do it. | ||
| Just leave the funny to the funny people. | ||
| But the problem is, if I was running a fucking network, and I was running Comedy Central or NBC or anything, HBO Max, and a bunch of wild fucks like you and me were just gonna go crazy and say a bunch of nutty shit that's gonna get us sued and get us in trouble, I wouldn't do that either. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I understand, too. | ||
| Yeah, they had a... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I could make TGI Fridays better Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but it wouldn't be TGI Fridays and no one would show up. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Someone just asked me, hey, we should write a movie together. | ||
| I can write the format and you come up with the ideas. | ||
| I go, no one would want to see a movie that I would want to write. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| You have this weird embracing of humility. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That I think is admirable, but also it's like, you're saying this to the shitheads. | ||
| Self-sabotaging. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But generally, what I laugh at is things that other people don't laugh at. | ||
| The few songs I like, because I'm not a music guy- You hate music. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| Well, because I'm not going to burn a bit, because I just came from Key West, where every fucking bar you go past has a single-act guitar guy going, it's a marvelous night for a moon dance. | ||
| And I'm like, finally, this is giving legs to that thought, and now that's these fucking notes on my hand. | ||
| I'm writing that bit. | ||
| What are you writing on your hand? | ||
| More bits, because Austin is also a music town. | ||
| You write notes in your hand? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What, are you cheating on a test? | ||
| I lose pieces of paper. | ||
| If I wake up and I lost my hand, I'm not going to worry about how good the joke was. | ||
| You have a phone? | ||
| Do you write on your phone? | ||
| No, I fucking... | ||
| I'm going to die, and as I go through that same DMT experience, I'm going to realize all the shit I could have done on a smartphone, where I just quit at texting. | ||
| I just showed your fucking doctor. | ||
| Dr. Mercy. | ||
| I just showed her how to do Wordle. | ||
| And she's gonna be addicted. | ||
| She goes, does this come in an app? | ||
| And I go, probably. | ||
| But I can Google on my... | ||
| I don't do apps. | ||
| I don't do anything. | ||
| But you text. | ||
| You use maps? | ||
| Do you use maps? | ||
| Do you use navigation? | ||
| Well, when I do Uber, I have Uber on my phone. | ||
| What about like Waze? | ||
| Do you drive? | ||
| No, Chaley drives. | ||
| When you get to be my age, you're going to know. | ||
| Aren't we the same age? | ||
| Are you February or August? | ||
| August. | ||
| So, no, you're not like me. | ||
| I'm now a senior citizen. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
55? | |
| 55, and that means I get 10% off at Goodwill on Sundays and Mondays, and I can order off the senior menu at IHOP. And one day in August, you're going to appreciate these perks in life. | ||
| Damn, I get some perks in just a few months? | ||
| How weird is that that when we were kids, 55 was dead? | ||
| You were a dead man. | ||
| That was the legal age of retirement, I think, back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was over. | |
| No, it was 65, right? | ||
| No, it kept growing with us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it was 62. There's a legal age? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if it's legal age. | ||
| It's legal at IHOP, and IHOP is the only rules I recognize. | ||
| This is a nation of law and order, but IHOP is an international... | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| The rule of 55, IRS provision that allows workers who leave their job for any reason to start taking penalty-free distributions from their current employer's retirement plan once they've reached 55. You might as well be explaining cryptocurrency to me. | ||
| I can't read those big words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's an NFT. Yeah, you know me. | |
| Ah! | ||
| It's one of those things where it's like, who's 55? | ||
| It's also security stuff. | ||
| This says you have to be 66 in four months. | ||
| I'm glad you didn't Google that and have Sammy Hagar come up. | ||
| I can't drive. | ||
| 55! | ||
| But now I can. | ||
| Now that I'm old, I drive like an old person. | ||
| I get behind the slowest moving fucking semi-truck. | ||
| You just chill. | ||
| On the one part of freeway I have to be on driving from my house to the airport and I'm like, I like going slow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you were younger, you wanted to get there quicker. | |
| But sometimes I still want to get there quicker. | ||
| What would George Washington think, being stuck behind a semi-truck, going 10 under? | ||
| Imagine if George Washington could be in a Tesla. | ||
| Realize how fast you could drive. | ||
| I got into this fascination that is unexplorable about those fourth world countries that still exist. | ||
| Tourists can't go there. | ||
| They still live Stone Age lives. | ||
| These are tribes that have never heard of Trump or Kardashians, much less George Washington was ahead of their time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Papua New Guinea, I think. | ||
| There's a few. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in the deep Amazon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm so fascinated. | ||
| I've tried to write bits, but they're not funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got a bit. | |
| You'll see it tonight. | ||
| About that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You always beat me. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I read things about those folks. | ||
| Yeah, but there's not much to read. | ||
| Yeah, there's plenty. | ||
| I'll send you some stuff. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, it's too late. | ||
| You already got the bit, asshole. | ||
| I'll show you tonight. | ||
| The Senegalese, I think is one of them. | ||
| Yeah, there's that. | ||
| You know, the Papua New Guinea people are really interesting because there's a group called the Seaman Warriors of Papua New Guinea, and it's like a ritualistic... | ||
| He said seaman. | ||
| No, it's a ritualistic child molestation organization that they've developed on this island. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| So, pull that up. | ||
| Seaman warriors of Papua New Guinea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are these the ones that killed the Christian? | |
| No, that's the North Sentinel Island. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| The Sambia tribe in Papua New Guinea have tradition that has fascinated and confused many. | ||
| They are the tribe that drinks seaman to turn boys into men, and we bring you everything you need to know about them. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
| There's a tribe that has somehow or another ritualized sexual abuse of young boys. | ||
| And they call the father... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Catholic Church! | |
| Zing! | ||
| No, it's even crazier. | ||
| I'm just talking to all the hacks that are listening going, why didn't they go to the Catholic Church joke? | ||
| In the first stages, a sharp stick of cane is inserted deeply into the young boy's nostrils until he bleeds profusely. | ||
| Young boys are also introduced to older warriors who are told that bachelors are going to copulate with them to make them grow. | ||
| Through most of the six stages, much rather, throughout much of the six stages, I'm so hammered right now, I'm just thinking that's a lot to type into a YouPorn search engine while you're reading. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a lot. | |
| I don't think you have videos. | ||
| The act of having the stick of cane inserted into the nostrils and then the performance of, in quotes, fellatio are integral to the process of becoming a man. | ||
| So you have to suck a dick to become a man. | ||
| While the former practice is often derided by many as inhumane, in quotes, and the latter is often referred to as homosexual, in quotes, behavior, the Sambia's understanding and purpose behind these two processes differs from our conventional understanding. | ||
| It's so insane. | ||
| Well, also, first of all, homosexual, in quotes, that's not... | ||
| This is pedophilia. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| I know, but there's a point where they go, cane in the nostril, that can cause diabetes. | ||
| And diabetes affects 66% of the... | ||
| I think they were sticking sticks up dudes' noses to keep them uncomfortable so they would suck a dick. | ||
| Additionally, the act of performing fellatio and the act of ingesting semen is seen as an integral part of manhood because boys are unable to mature into men unless they ingest semen and they adhere to the notion that all men have, in quotes, eaten the penis. | ||
| What's the website? | ||
| Pulse.org? | ||
| It actually says that NG, so it's like... | ||
| That's kind of like Jesus here. | ||
| Eat this thing, for it is my body? | ||
| It's my dick! | ||
| Burn! | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| When you talk about Catholic priests, right? | ||
| The weird thing about when grown men sexually molest boys is that those boys, at an alarming rate, sexually molest other boys. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is twice you've led me into something where I go, this is one of my favorite jokes, but I'm not burning my fucking act. | ||
| You'll hear it tonight. | ||
| I'll hear it. | ||
| I'll hear it tonight. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like, that's a crazy, it's like a vampire thing. | ||
| It's like, imagine you can bite a person, that person becomes a vampire. | ||
| If you molest a person who's young, that person becomes a molester. | ||
| It's almost like that. | ||
| And this whole island is like... | ||
| It's one of my favorite bits. | ||
| It's a vampire island. | ||
| Vampire island. | ||
| Actually, it's the same bit you've almost led me into twice. | ||
| And one was from an hour ago. | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| Imagine it sticks up your nose and then you suck your cock. | ||
| Yeah, fucking Dr. Mercy just did this to me outside just to be in here. | ||
| They did the same thing. | ||
| Now do I have to suck your cock? | ||
| Because I've already had the cane up my nose. | ||
| You suck Jamie's cock and I live stream it. | ||
| This Jamie or Jamie Kennedy? | ||
| This one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The funny one. | |
| We can't sell a fucking sex tape with this Jamie. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy and Doug Stanhope, D-listers at best, but sucking each other's cause, they're going right up to a B. Jamie Kennedy, no jokes aside, had a great documentary about hecklers. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Were you in it? | ||
| It was good. | ||
| They never invite Rudolph to those reindeer games. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy is a fun follow on Instagram, too. | ||
| It was a great documentary until he got into the part where he's accosting reviewers. | ||
| Who didn't like Malibu's Most Wanted. | ||
| That's like Kevin James going, you know what? | ||
| Say it to my face that Paul Blart Mall Cop was bad. | ||
| Say it to my face. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| Paul Blart's a good, if you have five-year-olds. | ||
| It's a good movie. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| It's a funny movie. | ||
| It's like physical. | ||
| It's one of those... | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| I didn't hate it. | ||
| But Malibu's Most Wanted. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy Experience. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I love hidden cameras so much. | ||
| So good. | ||
| He's the best ever. | ||
| The Impractical Jokers, I watched, now they're at 10 seasons, and I record, that's my only thing that I watch, DVR'd, that makes me laugh through a fucking Sunday marathon hangover. | ||
| I know I've seen this 18 times. | ||
| I watch every episode. | ||
| I laugh every fucking time. | ||
| Some people might think it's soft and you suck because those guys are genuine. | ||
| Shitty hidden camera because I'm a fucking love hidden camera. | ||
| Remember Dom Jolly? | ||
| What was Dom Jolly's... | ||
| What is this, Jamie? | ||
| The Jamie Kennedy experiment. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy had the best hidden camera show the world's ever known. | ||
| Let me tell you right now. | ||
| I'll put it up against... | ||
| I don't know what the fuck happened on a candid camera. | ||
| I was too young. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I'm sure it was great. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy Experiment. | ||
| It's the best show ever. | ||
| In terms of hidden camera shows. | ||
| It's not as bad as what's Ashton Kutcher punked. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| Did you see Guys Gone Nuts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It was Girls Gone Wild, but with guys. | ||
| They had guys gone nuts, and they'd talk to these guys and do gay shit. | ||
| Wait, we did that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We did the hidden camera with the heavy metal band on The Man Show. | ||
| No, Jamie Kennedy. | ||
| There was a time the fucking producers had to come to the writer's room, and they had to draw straws up at the production company to tell us, who's going to tell them you have to stop doing so much gay shit? | ||
| You can't keep telling the audience they're gay. | ||
| Well... | ||
| Guys Gone Nuts. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy had this thing where it was Girls Gone Wild was in its peak of stardom and these guys were gonna get famous and they were like whoa we got picked I can't believe this and Jamie Kennedy is like the host of Guys Gone Nuts and he starts explaining to these guys that they're gonna have to do gay stuff. | ||
| And they all agree. | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| We did that America's Next Triple X star and a guy... | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Yeah, we did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now they're nervous. | |
| They're on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a gay tape, dog. | ||
| It's a gay tape, he says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
After watching that tape, I don't think it's guys going nuts. | |
| I think this guy's going bananas. | ||
| Coming up... | ||
| The reason I brought you guys up here is because I'm looking for a few gay ambassadors. | ||
| It all depends on what I have to do. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's here. | |
| We've got a gay ambassador. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every day at around 3 o'clock, my best friend Michael... | |
| Of course it's in Austin. | ||
| Keep going, sorry. | ||
| Back it up, back it up. | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
My wife. | |
| What'd he say? | ||
| But back it up so we get on here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
3 o'clock, my best friend Michael... | |
| my wife Jamie Kennedy I watched the new Jackass. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| They're all great. | ||
| I heard it's amazing. | ||
| They're all great. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't think I would do one out of ten of these. | ||
| Well, you're 55. You're ready for retirement. | ||
| But when I watched both Borat and Bruno, I'm like, I wouldn't do... | ||
| And I was going to put that out as a Twitter poll. | ||
| What are you least likely to decline doing this bit? | ||
| Like, Impractical Jokers, I would do 80% of those. | ||
| They're embarrassing and awkward. | ||
| But there's not going to be a broken bone or... | ||
| So yeah, that's my Twitter poll from this podcast. | ||
| Would you rather do any episode of Bruno or fucking Jackass? | ||
| What about you? | ||
| Doug Stanhope has spoken. | ||
| Give me that on a lighter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Toss that over. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Jackass forever? | ||
| Not a spoiler for you, because you have to see it. | ||
| Would you be more embarrassed doing something awkward or physical? | ||
| Like, would you rather get your nuts stapled to a fucking park bench or... | ||
| Good question. | ||
| I hosted Fear Factor. | ||
| I can't be embarrassed anymore. | ||
| Well, you didn't do the things. | ||
| You get to gloat. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| What is happening here? | ||
| They lock them together with the tarantula, and wherever the tarantula goes to has to get then bitten by it. | ||
| But the funny part is here is who else is locked in this with him? | ||
| The other guy is a hardcore lifer, prisoner kind of guy that has been let out, and he's been in prison, but he hates spiders. | ||
| So watching him deal with that is... | ||
| What's the other guy? | ||
| It's Aaron from Jack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that the prisoner? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You'll know the prisoner. | ||
| I brought this up to bring up this part. | ||
| They locked him in a room with a bear. | ||
| He didn't know the bear was going to be there. | ||
| It was doing a lie detector test. | ||
| They strapped him to a chair and then dump honey and salmon and Johnny Knoxville leaves the room and then a bear shows up and just get the shit out of him. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| I mean, it's funny. | ||
| Yeah, it's funny. | ||
| If you do it five times, four will be funny. | ||
| It's the way he commits to it and doesn't cry. | ||
| Johnny Knoxville is permanently fucking catheterized from doing this for a living. | ||
| Yeah, this is what he put himself through on that. | ||
| What happened with Johnny Knoxville? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, he broke his dick a long time ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, look at him in the air. | |
| That's insane. | ||
| PETA demands animal scenes be removed. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know the scene that happened where he got his dick broke, he said. | ||
| I demand you stop showing these scenes of animals kicking the fuck out of idiots. | ||
| That's one of your old bits. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| When animals attack and you root for the animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You shouldn't be there. | ||
| It's one thing if you're in the wrong place, you're in a plane crash, you get eaten by wolves. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| You got honey on your dick and you're on a fucking movie. | ||
| Yeah, that shit. | ||
| I wish I could... | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| You have to see it happen. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Sasha Baron Cohen would do the most uncomfortable things. | ||
| So would you rather be physically abused or be in a place where everything inside of your guts is like, this is so fucking crazy. | ||
| I think Sasha Baron Cohen is obviously funnier, but that is like... | ||
| You can't lose. | ||
| No one should do this thing. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Punching the balls? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You probably know this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's not just punching the balls. | ||
| Francis Ngannou punching somebody in the balls on Jackass? | ||
| Cup test to see if the cup would break. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's such a bad idea. | ||
| That's so unsmart. | ||
| They didn't tell him that was who he was going to get punched by either. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They said it was going to be a lightweight, and then Ngannou walks around the corner. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That guy punches so hard. | ||
| On your balls. | ||
| You might lose a ball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of guys lost balls. | |
| That's the thing about Jackass, right? | ||
| Is that it's really happening. | ||
| It's like those guys are really getting hurt. | ||
| Remember when Steve-O was in a tree and the lions were up in a tree with him? | ||
| I'm like, you don't have any idea what those lions are going to do. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking crazy. | |
| He has a hat on. | ||
| He's like a straw hat. | ||
| He covers his head. | ||
| It falls into the category where people say public speaking is the number one fear Well, did you measure that versus I might have my balls eaten by a lion? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| The lions are coming up the fucking thing and they're holding on and they're biting his hat. | ||
| Do you know how fucking insane that is? | ||
| They just decided they didn't want to eat him. | ||
| It was just a random maybe yes, maybe no. | ||
| I don't want to eat Steve-O. There was no way. | ||
| Like you're talking about, everyone has different parameters of what terrifies them, and public speaking, no. | ||
| I'm not afraid of it because I'm pretty good at it, and even when I suck at it, I don't care. | ||
| You're literally a professional. | ||
| Well, you're a professional. | ||
| I remember the first time I got paid for comedy, I got $10 and I called my brother. | ||
| I go, technically I'm a professional now because I got paid $10. | ||
| He goes, does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear and the oversized gloves? | ||
| My brother's pretty funny. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| He was diminishing your accomplishments. | ||
| That's why I haven't talked to him since 2016. I have no family left. | ||
| Well, at least it's not like Dane's brother. | ||
| He stole all his money. | ||
| He just borrowed. | ||
| He just hid it in his walls in case shit went sideways. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He would, like, overspend his fucking... | ||
| No, he had, like, he stored it. | ||
| No, he... | ||
| My brother was... | ||
| Oh, you're talking about them. | ||
| Yeah, my brother. | ||
| Yeah, he would just live outside of his means, which I've always lived on the cheap, which is why my shit's paid for. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I don't... | ||
| But, like, one time he would sneak drinking because his wife didn't want him drinking, and he drank in the basement and called me up. | ||
| And one time he got blackout drunk, and we've all done this in my group, but... | ||
| As you woke up and you pissed on something you thought was a toilet. | ||
| And he goes, I pissed on my wife's $2,000 laptop that she uses for work. | ||
| I hate to ask you. | ||
| I have a few people in my life. | ||
| I hate to ask you, but... | ||
| That always... | ||
| You've hated to ask me over and over for 10 years. | ||
| He says, I hate to ask you, but... | ||
| Can you help me? | ||
| I gotta replace this or it's gonna destroy my relationship. | ||
| I'm like, I... Don't have a $2,000 laptop myself. | ||
| Why would I pay for your wife's? | ||
| Because you get drunk and pissed all over it thinking it was a toilet. | ||
| I live within my means. | ||
| I have a $600 laptop, so fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could you fucking imagine thinking a laptop is a toilet? | |
| Like, was there a toilet on the screen? | ||
| How fucked up are you? | ||
| It could be anything. | ||
| It could be a coffee mug, garbage can, laptop. | ||
| Sean Rouse was... | ||
| Bar? | ||
| Sean Rouse woke up. | ||
| He had passed out before all of us were partying in a hotel room in San Diego Ocean Beach. | ||
| And Sean Rouse had thankfully fallen down because he was almost biting people. | ||
| And then he woke up... | ||
| To piss. | ||
| And we had ordered pizza. | ||
| Sean Rouse goes directly with his eyes closed to the wrong side of the room and starts to piss on the air conditioning unit. | ||
| And Chaley, the best tour manager ever, gets up and grabs the empty pizza box and puts it in front of his stream of piss as he tries to walk him towards the toilet. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And And those were just normal stories from the day. | ||
| Yeah, that's not like, you remember one time in 84? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, normal. | |
| Normal. | ||
| It's honest, I think it's been since our End of the World Part 2. People don't remember that was Part 2, was the Trump election. | ||
| Original End of the World was at the Wiltern, and that was in 2012. That was the Mayan calendar one. | ||
| Yes, that was the Mayan calendar one. | ||
| December 21st, 2012, it was... | ||
| Diaz. | ||
| You. | ||
| Me. | ||
| Burr was hanging out. | ||
| Burr was hanging out. | ||
| Burr came to just watch in Honey Honey. | ||
| I didn't even know Burr was there until he was in the green room. | ||
| Well, he was trying to... | ||
| The same way I didn't go over and talk to fucking Chappelle when he's at a coffee shop across the street... | ||
| You don't need to talk to me. | ||
| But Burr was my friend already, but he just came because he thought it was cool. | ||
| That's what a good guy Burr is. | ||
| Yeah, he's like that, I don't want to bother people. | ||
| No, he said to me, he goes, I think it's fucking awesome you guys sold this show out. | ||
| And that was in 2012. It was a big deal. | ||
| It was like, he loved it because he loves Joey, and he loves me, and he loves you. | ||
| And it was like, for him, it was like a big moment that we sold out to Wiltern for this wild show. | ||
| Because that was at a time where most people were just doing theaters, or clubs, rather. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to do a theater in LA, like a big one, like the Wiltern, on a specific date was kind of a fun big deal. | ||
| Cut to 2016, where Bingo's in a coma. | ||
| I'm fucking... | ||
| I just ruined that show. | ||
| But you guys were very nice to me. | ||
| You did not. | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| You did not. | ||
| Point being, ever since then, and I just, the book I wrote was about that, everything in one bookended year was fucked. | ||
| From, Bingo and I went on the Impractical Jokers cruise, and I got drunk and fucked a stripper that she walked in on. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| And then everything, and that's when Amber Heard sued me in the spring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, yeah. | |
| Like, everything. | ||
| And it ends with my wife going into a coma that she might not live through, and I said, fuck it, I'm still going to do that end of the world thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And fucking Marilyn Manson showed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Hannigan was just bringing randos on stage. | ||
| Yeah, because I couldn't control this. | ||
| Hannigan was like the manager of it, so all of a sudden there was a new person on stage. | ||
| And he was probably fucked up, too. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Point is, it was brilliant. | ||
| Now I forget why I started this story. | ||
| End of the world. | ||
| Yeah, that podcast was probably the last time I stopped having stories. | ||
| Like, my fucked up stories. | ||
| We stopped having big parties. | ||
| Bingo can't have overstimulation after a traumatic brain injury, which was just like COVID was such a beautiful excuse to get out of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't, COVID. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm using COVID as an excuse. | ||
| Yeah, bingo's brain injury. | ||
| We don't need to have fucking giant parties there anymore. | ||
| Well... | ||
| It was a beautiful way to get old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Giant parties are great if they're great. | |
| I went to fucking Dave Chappelle's after party. | ||
| Where? | ||
| The night after I saw him hanging out. | ||
| I was putting my set together for the Netflix comedy. | ||
| Do you guys know each other? | ||
| He came to my... | ||
| Christine Hodge, that head of the class girl that I just talked about that starred in the movie. | ||
| She was my girlfriend when I turned 30. And she threw me a surprise party at Farfalla. | ||
| It was a bar that was... | ||
| Near the Formosa or something. | ||
| And she had got my... | ||
| Back then, you had to write your telephone numbers down in a book. | ||
| And she called all these people that were in my book. | ||
| I'd only worked with him once in Punchline, San Francisco. | ||
| And he showed up at my 30th birthday party. | ||
| Oh, fucking day... | ||
| Like, surprise party... | ||
| And just when I was just in LA, she was there and she's like... | ||
| I told her about Dave Chappelle and the tour buses that are taking pictures the wrong direction. | ||
| Dave Chappelle's right over there. | ||
| She goes, does Dave remember that you guys were, like, really good friends? | ||
| I go, we were good friends. | ||
| You stole... | ||
| Like, I worked with him once and I had his phone number and you called everyone in my phone list to come to this party and I was as surprised as anyone that he was there. | ||
| But it's weird to think. | ||
| He was fucking... | ||
| Famous when we were kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was 1997 is when I turned 30, and I'm like, oh, Dave Chappelle's here. | ||
| And that was before the Chappelle show. | ||
| Way before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I met Dave when he was 19. But he was famous. | |
| No, he wasn't back then. | ||
| Well, not as famous as... | ||
| No, he was unknown. | ||
| When I met him, I met him in New York. | ||
| He was doing Catch a Rising Star. | ||
| He was really young. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| But he was so composed for someone who was that young. | ||
| Then I hung out with him in Montreal a few years later, like maybe two or three years later, maybe he's like 21, and he did street comedy. | ||
| We took off his hat and he said he put his hat on the ground and he did comedy for like just random people on the street and they put money in his hat. | ||
| I really love that guy and what he was doing during COVID we could have done in Bisbee. | ||
| Because we do shows at my house. | ||
| But I was like, everyone that I knew was afraid of COVID. I remember Bingo saying, some guy stopped by and go, here, take a road atlas. | ||
| You touched the same road atlas he touched. | ||
| And the paranoia, I'm like, yeah, we're probably going to be fine. | ||
| But Chappelle, we should have been doing shows like that. | ||
| At the Fun House. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But he had a lot of resources. | ||
| He had a lot of testing. | ||
| He flew people in privately. | ||
| He didn't make any money. | ||
| He lost money on all those shows. | ||
| A lot of money. | ||
| But he... | ||
| I lose money picking up a bar tab, but it's in relationship to how much money you have. | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot of money. | ||
| He lost a lot of money, and the way he did it was like, he did it to make comedy alive again. | ||
| He wanted to do comedy. | ||
| And he did it outside, in like a wedding venue, in... | ||
| And it never lined up with me where I had the time to go down there. | ||
| And it was over. | ||
| It was over before I could go back to go to there, rather. | ||
| But then we started doing shows in Austin. | ||
| You know, he and I started doing shows in Austin like October of 2020. Outside, no people. | ||
| We had done a bunch before. | ||
| Well, we had done a few before. | ||
| We did the Tacoma Dome in Tacoma, Washington. | ||
| We broke the record for the attendance. | ||
| We did 25,000 people together in the Tacoma Dome before the pandemic. | ||
| I know that... | ||
| You've either adjusted to do that, but you are always like me. | ||
| I'm a club guy. | ||
| I want to see the back row. | ||
| I'm still a club guy. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| Just do comedy. | ||
| I'll bring you with me. | ||
| You want to come and do an arena? | ||
| It'll be fine. | ||
| No, I hate them! | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| Have you done it? | ||
| I certainly wouldn't want to do it as a fucking opening act. | ||
| Douglas, you wouldn't be an opening act. | ||
| I would suffer through it if I'm getting all the fucking gate. | ||
| If you want to do like 15 minutes or 20 minutes or even half an hour in the arena, you let me know. | ||
| I'll have an opening act, warm everybody up, get everything cracking, and then you go up. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's just fans. | ||
| I would do that for the story. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| It's not for the story. | ||
| It's 15,000 people who love you. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's no different than 200 people or 300 people or 500 people. | ||
| It's just a different tempo. | ||
| I do 3,000 at the Hammersmith O2 in London. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| That's the biggest. | ||
| And I hate it because my fans want to talk to me. | ||
| And when they're 2,900 seats away... | ||
| And they have that gibberish fucking accent. | ||
| I don't know what you're yelling at. | ||
| But that's a different thing. | ||
| What I'm saying is it's no different than any other kind of comedy. | ||
| If more people have a chance to see you, that's better. | ||
| And they enjoy it. | ||
| They're happier there. | ||
| They just want to see you. | ||
| You do your shit. | ||
| You have a good time. | ||
| It doesn't matter if it's 200 people or 2,000 people or 20,000 people. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, but you have to know how the inside of my head works. | ||
| I know how the inside of your head works. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| My head works the same way. | ||
| I was very apprehensive about doing arenas, even doing theaters. | ||
| I was like, theaters suck. | ||
| Clubs are the way to go. | ||
| Oh, did you finally bring out the Buffalo Trance? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They're all good, dude. | ||
| It's not Buffalo Trance. | ||
| You're in a trance, though. | ||
| You're in a Buffalo Trance. | ||
| It's not Canadian Club, which I buy in a plastic handle. | ||
| You get microplastics. | ||
| That's why your balls are shrinking. | ||
| It's bad for you. | ||
| Oh, my balls... | ||
| As my penis shrinks, it's going into my balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| How's your genitalia holding up? | ||
| It's okay, it's hanging in there. | ||
| Wait till August when you're my age, and it's gonna be a different story. | ||
| Dude, I'm like that kitten on that poster, like, hanging there, baby. | ||
| Like, hanging on. | ||
| Friday's coming? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that poster, the kitten? | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Yeah, that poster that most of general voting bloc society still thinks is funny? | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I got up at 7 in the morning just to work out. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Well, the one that I like is the one where it's hanging there. | ||
| It says Friday's coming. | ||
| It's on a curtain. | ||
| In the Spencer Gifts version. | ||
| Hang in there, baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Spencer Gifts version. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you used to buy posters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many hang in there? | |
| How many hang in there? | ||
| Put Friday's coming. | ||
| Hang in there. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It's hard to soar with the eagles when you work with the turkeys. | ||
| Back when posters, before they became bumper stickers. | ||
| And you go, oh, this person laughs at this every day. | ||
| And I work hard at stand-up comedy when this asshole fucking has a bumper sticker. | ||
| How many hang-in-there babies are there? | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| Wait, you're almost my age. | ||
| Remember the one with the kid who had spaghetti on his head? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What was the catchphrase of that? | ||
| Uh-oh, spaghetti-o? | ||
| Poster, toddler with spaghetti on his head, kid with spaghetti on his head. | ||
| That was huge comedy back when- No, no, poster. | ||
| It was like, oh, the first one over there. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The top, the first one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Top left? | |
| Same guy. | ||
| Same picture. | ||
| Same picture. | ||
| Oh, well, it's in color, because that's how I had the... | ||
| Why me? | ||
| No, it's not the same picture at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the two side by side. | ||
| I hate to be wrong, Joe. | ||
| You're definitely wrong. | ||
| It's the exact same picture. | ||
| Exact. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That one and the one next to it, one's screaming and one's happy. | ||
| Which one do you like? | ||
| I'm saying it's not the same picture and I demand to be right. | ||
| That one is the same as that one. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He showed the one beside it first, the screaming kid. | ||
| I think there's multiple. | ||
| Not as funny. | ||
| Not as funny. | ||
| Someone hacked it up. | ||
| Baby with spaghetti on head, photo by George S. How do you say that name? | ||
| Trebent? | ||
| Trebant? | ||
| Trebant? | ||
| Life Magazine, 1960. Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 1960. See, that's what I love about old shit. | ||
| If I look at an old dresser, it's from 1945. What was it like when the people that were making this dresser, what was life like for them? | ||
| So into the 70s. | ||
| Give me another cigarette. | ||
| I'm fascinated by people that were living back when there was no access to information. | ||
| You have a fucking Navy SEAL Team 6 worth of security out here. | ||
| I'm the number one podcast on the planet Earth. | ||
| I know, so fucking send them to go get a pack of spirits. | ||
| We're okay. | ||
| I have to have security now. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Actually, when I came back from 18 months off, you never quit. | ||
| You were still doing shows here and again, even secret shows. | ||
| I did not do a show, and one of the bits for the first couple months The first few shows I do where no one can hear you die, Mountain Time Zone, Flagstaff, Salt Lake, Wyoming, Montana. | ||
| Yeah, where they're just happy that anyone ever came, COVID or not. | ||
| And I did have a bit that I used you as an example about having... | ||
| We're all fighting for the minds of the stupid. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's why I dropped the bit. | ||
| But we're all trying to convince someone that our opinion's right on some level. | ||
| The first time I said it, it made sense on a podcast, and I go, I'll make this a bit. | ||
| But how many stupid people can you tolerate? | ||
| I make a good living at a reasonable amount of fucking dummies. | ||
| No, you make a living off of rebels. | ||
| You make a living off of people that don't want to do what they're doing and they want to believe that this is temporary. | ||
| And they're right. | ||
| They know that it's not going to last. | ||
| No matter what anybody says, and I don't care if you wear a bow tie, if you wear fucking shiny shoes, if you drive a Tesla, it's going to end. | ||
| It's going to end and you're going to die and you're going to rot and worms are going to eat your body and bacteria is going to take over your organism. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You die at the end. | ||
| You die at the end. | ||
| Period. | ||
| And the structure that your parents subscribed to and my parents subscribed to and everybody before them did is incorrect. | ||
| It's like a scaffolding. | ||
| It's a thing you hold on to when you're walking and you think that the rails are the guide. | ||
| They're not. | ||
| There's no guide. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| It's life and death and the only thing that's good is what feels good when you're a happy person and your friends are happy and you're enjoying life. | ||
| And you just hope you can spread that energy out to other people so that when you pass, they spread it further. | ||
| And when they pass, they spread it to other people and all of us can elevate together. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And it doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to. | ||
| Because stars are dying. | ||
| Planets are fucking imploding. | ||
| Supernovas are happening. | ||
| You know what's not going to be on TMZ? What? | ||
| Or fucking BuzzVulture or fucking... | ||
| TMZ fucking dot scam fuck is that quote. | ||
| They take you, they find these muckrakers, not just you. | ||
| And I do have a bit about this, where just they try to find one thing you said to polarize people. | ||
| And I, at one point, I was very high at home. | ||
| I go, listen. | ||
| It's taken out of context. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I do nothing with my life, but I still think... | ||
| I don't have three hours to listen to a podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I know you, and I know that you're being taken out of context. | ||
| But I was high, and I made someone in the room do the math. | ||
| I go, how many podcast episodes has he done? | ||
| And it's like 1,685. | ||
| I go, times that by three... | ||
| This is how many episodes of the Joe Rogan podcast. | ||
| It was like 231 solid days. | ||
| You would have to listen to Joe Rogan to put them in context, where it's so easy to take 80 seconds and vilify you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I go, thank God I'm making a decent living under the radar. | ||
| But that's okay, too. | ||
| I know, I'm very happy. | ||
| But I'm on my side. | ||
| I mean, people vilifying me, that's okay. | ||
| If that's what you want to do. | ||
| But you're just going to let people examine it. | ||
| They're going to let people examine your prognosis, your interpretation. | ||
| And they're going to decide, oh, you're being disingenuous. | ||
| You're taking people out of context. | ||
| If you want to take a person at the worst thing they've ever said ever and say that's you forever, well, that's nonsense. | ||
| Because that's not what people are. | ||
| I would hope that every single person listening to this, watching this, is growing and learning every day. | ||
| You fuck up, you learn, you get better. | ||
| It's part of being a person. | ||
| You're born confused and clueless. | ||
| And slowly you accumulate experiences and information and revelations. | ||
| And at a certain point in time, we would hope that you would be better than you used to be. | ||
| And I think I am. | ||
| I'm better than I used to be. | ||
| But am I perfect? | ||
| No. | ||
| Am I better now than I was 10 years ago? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Am I better than I was 20 years ago? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Do I hope to be better from now in 10 years? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| If you were... | ||
| As knowledged. | ||
| And we've talked about this. | ||
| I remember talking about it on a podcast where you go, yeah, I read books so I can sound smarter. | ||
| But that's like being humble. | ||
| The reality is I read books because I want to know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to know what someone else thinks. | ||
| And then put that into your act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's also, it's like, I want to know. | ||
| It's not just my act anymore. | ||
| It's like when I was young, it was my act because I wanted to make a living. | ||
| I wanted to be good. | ||
| And then once I got a living and I got okay, now I want to know what do I think? | ||
| I remember when you once told me, and it's vivid, yeah, well Bill Hicks would read Noam Chomsky and then put a dick joke into it and say it on stage. | ||
| And I've said that in specials. | ||
| I'm the guy that will call you stupid for not knowing what I just read yesterday and truly believed. | ||
| But it's a joke. | ||
| It's like you're fucking around, right? | ||
| And that's the thing about talking shit. | ||
| And one of the things that Bill Hicks did is he exposed people to ideas that they weren't aware of before. | ||
| I didn't know about Terrence McKenna until I heard what Bill Hicks said, five grams. | ||
| He said, reach under your table, there's five dried grams, or what Terrence McKenna would say is a heroic dose. | ||
| I'm like, who is Terrence McKenna? | ||
| And I started reading Terrence McKenna. | ||
| And I read it because of you. | ||
| Fools of the God. | ||
| Yeah, and in all of his books. | ||
| And you just, you listen to his lectures and you're, like, I heard Terrence McKenna, what he said when I first did DMT. I literally heard the words he said. | ||
| He said, do not give in to astonishment. | ||
| I heard that from, like, whatever the fuck the entities were. | ||
| That's the thing about comedy. | ||
| You can just tell jokes, and you can also tell jokes that lead you to think differently. | ||
| I don't think Hicks is the funniest guy ever, but I think Hicks is the most influential guy ever. | ||
| He's the guy that said things in a way. | ||
| If you have to listen to Lenny Bruce, it's unlistenable because he has the jargon of the day that it doesn't make sense. | ||
| There's a few things, but I do understand where it was a groundbreaker. | ||
| But Hicks, yeah. | ||
| Well, that's our life. | ||
| We were alive back then. | ||
| I didn't laugh at Hicks a lot. | ||
| We were in a live in 63 or 64 when Lenny Bruce was doing heroin and opening up for musicians and jazz bands and stuff. | ||
| But the recorded stuff... | ||
| It doesn't apply. | ||
| He has that jargon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Almost like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had a joke. | ||
| For Shizzy My Nizzy was like, I don't know what that means. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| For Shizzy My Nizzy is like... | ||
| People make up their own fucking nomenclature. | ||
| Well, he was also... | ||
| No one existed before him. | ||
| He's patient zero in the comedy war. | ||
| He's the guy. | ||
| Typhoid Mary. | ||
| He's the guy. | ||
| He's the guy. | ||
| I have a ton of... | ||
| I have in my office, I have Lenny Bruce giving the finger. | ||
| I look at it before I write. | ||
| I do. | ||
| That guy's the first guy that ever had whatever it was, whether it was heroin or just indignance, he just decided he wasn't buying into the cultural narrative. | ||
| He was the first guy. | ||
| And he was the guy that would say things on stage that was like commentary on situations in life. | ||
| Are there any n-words in the audience? | ||
| I don't want to get you into any more fucking problems. | ||
| LOL. Are there any wops? | ||
| Any fucking kikes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He did that bit. | ||
| He said, if you say that word enough, it won't mean anything anymore. | ||
| It won't make anybody feel bad. | ||
| That's why they're trying to split us apart. | ||
| But it's not they, man. | ||
| It's like people. | ||
| It's like when you say they- They're fake people, too. | ||
| But it is a lot of fake people. | ||
| It's also people that just want to be a part of the winning team. | ||
| This is what's going on. | ||
| It's people that attack and people that jump in and people that think that it's important to speak their truth. | ||
| I know what they're doing, man. | ||
| It's not all bad. | ||
| They're trying to make the world a better place and they're trying to establish themselves and their opinions as being valid. | ||
| And they do it by criticizing people and they do it by trying to diminish other people and minimize other people. | ||
| People like to fight. | ||
| But it's okay. | ||
| It's okay, man. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| But I mean, it's okay. | ||
| It's like, that's a part of the process. | ||
| It's like, it's not bad. | ||
| And some people think it is bad. | ||
| They think they are your dire enemy, but it's not real. | ||
| The reality is we're all- Hey, Buzz Culture, fucking take this clip and put it out there. | ||
| Hey, Joe Rogan does actually fucking make sense sometimes. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I know it doesn't matter. | ||
| They don't have to do it because more people are listening to this than everyone will read that shit. | ||
| Sells clickbait. | ||
| But it doesn't matter. | ||
| They can do that. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| If you don't express yourself in an honest, objective manner, people are going to know. | ||
| And if you have an agenda and you want to say, Doug Stanhope is a piece of shit and he's a loser and he's this and that... | ||
| That's not real to people that know you, right? | ||
| It's the same as everything else. | ||
| Like, you can take an angle, and I kind of understand your angle. | ||
| If I was you, and I was living in your life, and I was watching this person is getting an undue, and if there's anybody that gets an undue amount of attention, it's fucking me. | ||
| I'll tell you as me, it's me. | ||
| But it doesn't matter. | ||
| Well, everyone knows it's you. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But I don't care. | ||
| It's still creepy that you are the voice of It's bizarre! | ||
| Like... | ||
| If you've known me for so many years, it's preposterous. | ||
| You've never... | ||
| I didn't try to be this person. | ||
| I literally didn't even ask for it. | ||
| You do fall for conspiracy theories at a higher rate than I do. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because a lot of times I've followed you. | ||
| But one of the times, Dave Attell and Joe Rogan are the two people when we only talk like once a year on the phone. | ||
| Same as a tell, but if I get the call, I go, do I have an hour and 20 minutes to talk? | ||
| Because we don't talk that much, but we do talk. | ||
| And one of the times, before you actually moved here, but that was the plan, we talked for over an hour. | ||
| You talked mostly. | ||
| But I didn't have much to say. | ||
| But you told me, because I wrote it down, did you hear about this Wayfair? | ||
| I wrote it down wrong. | ||
| It was Mayfair or vice versa. | ||
| What's Mayfair? | ||
| That fucking QAnon conspiracy where they're selling... | ||
| Look it up! | ||
| Look it up! | ||
| What is Mayfair? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Where they were pretending to sell fucking QAnon children through a fucking furniture... | ||
| Do you know this? | ||
| Wayfair, Mayfair. | ||
| Yeah, it's not Mayfair, it's Wayfair. | ||
| You said it right the first time. | ||
| I told you about this? | ||
| There was a thing about it. | ||
| Because you had just heard it. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| You had just heard it, so I wrote it down, and by a week later when I actually searched it, it had been debunked, and then that was before QAnon was a thing. | ||
| You're confusing me with somebody, for sure. | ||
| I don't even know about this. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You had just heard about it, so maybe you discounted it an hour after. | ||
| I didn't hear about it until right now. | ||
| I'm very good at knowing what I remember. | ||
| What is this conspiracy? | ||
| Ask Jesse. | ||
| This was very popular a year and a half ago. | ||
| I said Jesse. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| People online were like, wait, what's going on with these fake posts for dresser drawers? | ||
| And they had a strange name attached to them. | ||
| Oh, that was like some weird thing that I saw on Reddit where there was a bunch of people that were pretending. | ||
| I'm not blaming you. | ||
| It's sex trafficking. | ||
| Yeah, you should look it up because you had just heard about it. | ||
| But hold on. | ||
| Buy into this. | ||
| Or be clear about this. | ||
| I did not buy into this. | ||
| It's not like something that I thought was like they were sex trafficking by selling dresser drawers and shit. | ||
| I was reading this thing off of Reddit. | ||
| I go, have you read this? | ||
| Like, this is fucking bizarre. | ||
| And you told me to look it up. | ||
| Right, but I didn't say it like I believed in it. | ||
| That's not one I believed in. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If you want to say, like, Bigfoot, UFOs... | ||
| Fake moon landing? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of those. | ||
| Where you made me watch a four-hour VHS... A funny thing happened on the way to the moon. | ||
| This is 90s, but you're like, you gotta watch this. | ||
| And it's a double-decker VHS I rented, and I watched both two-hour episodes, and then it was at the beginning of Google or Ask Jeeves, where I went, debunk... | ||
| And now I've spent 12 hours thinking that the moon landing is fake and then I realized I don't give a fuck if anyone went to the moon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My girlfriend's dumping me. | |
| Here's the thing about the moon landing being fake. | ||
| I think they could pull it off. | ||
| I don't think they did. | ||
| But I think they could. | ||
| Yeah, they absolutely could. | ||
| This is my position on the moon landing. | ||
| If you want to tell me that it's impossible for the government to pretend that people landed on the moon, I say bullshit. | ||
| If you want to say that people landed on the moon, I say probably. | ||
| Yeah, most likely. | ||
| Like, if you look at the science behind it, it seems like they landed on the moon. | ||
| The problem is when someone lies about anything, it leads you to believe they're lying about everything. | ||
| If someone treats, like, if you look at the time, which, like, this was all going on, like, when Kennedy was president, they had proposed the Operation Northwoods, where they were going to blow up That's always been my fallback. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| If Operation Northwoods is true, anything could be true, and that's definitely true. | ||
| Not only that, the Gulf of Tonkin that led us into the Vietnam War, it was all fake. | ||
| There is a 100% reality about our government fucking around. | ||
| Now I'm going to have to do a full hour to impress you tonight. | ||
| And to state claim that this was my bit. | ||
| Wait, what bit did he say he already does? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I gave up on the bit. | ||
| No, the one about the fourth world countries in the Senegalese. | ||
| We'll talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll talk. | |
| You won. | ||
| You won. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't even know. | |
| It might suck. | ||
| You might watch the bit. | ||
| You don't like it. | ||
| The point is... | ||
| It's hard to know what's real if you just accept that the government is being honest because they've been dishonest about so many things. | ||
| And if you either want to believe the government 100% about everything and think they have your best interests at heart, which is, you know, that's a good position. | ||
| You want to live your life and have no worries and hopefully everybody will work it out. | ||
| Or you want to admit that money changes everything. | ||
| Money influences the way people decide things. | ||
| Power influences everything. | ||
| Hard to argue with that. | ||
| Hard to argue with the idea that power influences, literally influences the way people project the world onto other folks. | ||
| Influences in terms of people that are paying you for things or influences in terms of relationships you have with entities that have extreme power. | ||
| You can't just assume that all the things you've been told are accurate because they're just not. | ||
| If you go back throughout history, like you go back and lead Schmedley Butler's War is Just a Racket. | ||
| Let me just plug Lies My Teacher Told Me by Lowen. | ||
| It's an old one, still holds up, and you are being lied to, which is a compendium. | ||
| Disinformation.com. | ||
| Yeah, disinfo.com. | ||
| That was a great book. | ||
| That changed my life. | ||
| Yeah, there's many things, but the problem is it's not all things. | ||
| And we have to be, like, really non-attached to ideas. | ||
| You have to realize that ideas are literally just ideas. | ||
| They're not you, they're not me. | ||
| If you believe that Roe vs. | ||
| Wade should be codified and it should be into law, and I go, hey man, what about when a baby's six months old? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| And these are discussions that don't have anything to do with us other than their ideas. | ||
| I love you, and I think you're a good person, and I know I try very, very, very hard to be a good person. | ||
| And I would hope that most people listening to this are also trying very hard to be good people. | ||
| I think if we all come together on that notion, we're all going to be better off. | ||
| But the problem is when you believe... | ||
| Hey, TMZ, I saw that and fucking put it out. | ||
| Joe Rogan says something fucking normal, pragmatic, bringing people together, and you went to... | ||
| Oh, he said the N-word when? | ||
| Listen, the whole idea about the border. | ||
| I'm a fucking grandchild of immigrants. | ||
| All of my grandparents came from Europe. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I don't have anybody. | ||
| I'm third generation, 100%. | ||
| Now he's talking white privilege again. | ||
| They all came over here, man. | ||
| This is a nation of immigrants. | ||
| If you're saying you should stop immigration 100%, that's crazy talk. | ||
| That's crazy talk. | ||
| This is literally a nation. | ||
| I'm holding my hand up in class. | ||
| Go ahead, Mr. Stanhope. | ||
| What do they call it when you're a cultural appropriation? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Weren't we taught at our age, you're almost as old as me. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| I'm getting close. | ||
| Didn't they call that a melting pot as a positive? | ||
| That was a positive. | ||
| It's cultural appropriation if you wear a fucking sombrero at fucking Cinco de Mayo. | ||
| Or if you're a white girl and you have hoop earrings. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Latinas. | ||
| I think they let that go. | ||
| They let that go. | ||
| Because they found out that Babylonia, the fucking Babylonians had earrings like that, hoop earrings. | ||
| It's nobody's. | ||
| Well, that's where I draw a line. | ||
| If you're trying to be Babylonian, fuck you. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| I'm going to get a Babylonian tattoo. | ||
| That's my next tattoo. | ||
| I need more tattoos. | ||
| I almost got a tattoo last night. | ||
| You need one, sir. | ||
| That's how fucked up I was. | ||
| If I buy you a house, will you get a tattoo for the comedy mothership? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't need a house. | |
| I need you to buy that guy's house. | ||
| Out here, in Austin. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I almost moved out here. | ||
| I need you to move out here. | ||
| Super important. | ||
| I'll be biracial, or whatever you call it. | ||
| Binational? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bi-state? | |
| You wouldn't even be bi-coastal. | ||
| We're talking about like both places are centrist. | ||
| Center of the country. | ||
| But, you know, like, at the end of the day... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't it the end of the day yet? | |
| Yeah, it's 4.30. | ||
| I get a piss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta go piss. | ||
| Go piss. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We'll come back. | ||
| No, I was... | ||
| This is probably the only Joe Rogan podcast I've done where I didn't have to finally leave and piss. | ||
| I've had, like, three whiskeys and four cups of coffee, and it's three hours in. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get an extraordinary bladder. | |
| When I take a Cerequil, I told you, I took a Cerequil, which I don't take and I don't recommend, but if you want to sleep for 14 hours, it's a heavy, psychotic, anti-anxiety downer. | ||
| It's like lithium, whatever fucking Jack Nicholson was on in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Test. | ||
| It's like, okay, I have one night, I can sleep like a fucking baby. | ||
| And that's when I woke up and everyone was at the one bar I walked into just trying to find some breakfast. | ||
| It's a hardcore downer. | ||
| Mentally ill people are on this for the daytime. | ||
| And I'm like, the first time, bingo, my girlfriend's mentally ill, my wife... | ||
| And the first time she gave me one, I slept for 24 hours. | ||
| And people are giving this to get through their day? | ||
| It's a heavy antipsychotic. | ||
| Do you see the controversy where Elon said that more people that he knows have had better success with psychedelics than they had with SSRIs? | ||
| I said antipsychotic. | ||
| Yeah, but did you see that? | ||
| No, I... It was really interesting because I think it's kind of accurate. | ||
| What's your guy from the comedy store? | ||
| Clyde or Clyde? | ||
| Whatever the fuck his name is, keep it on the DL. Don't give him up. | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| What's your problem with Elon Musk? | ||
| Who says that? | ||
| I was talking shit about Elon Musk last night. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Why were you doing that? | ||
| He goes, what's your problem? | ||
| I go, well, first of all, I have to hate him because Johnny Depp's my friend. | ||
| Listen, if you met him, you wouldn't hate him. | ||
| I know I wouldn't hate him. | ||
| But I love Johnny Depp and I don't hate him. | ||
| I'm going there. | ||
| Well, Johnny Depp has a problem with him. | ||
| Personally. | ||
| I understand the problem. | ||
| Yeah, you know, like you're fucking high school kids. | ||
| Oh, he fucked your girl. | ||
| I hate that guy. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I know it's simpleton thinking, but I am very vain, probably because I have one of the most punchable heads I've ever seen. | ||
| You don't have a punchable head. | ||
| To me, I do. | ||
| I would not want to punch you. | ||
| No, I just hate my fucking head. | ||
| So I hate other people like Jamie Kennedy or Sebastian Maniscalco. | ||
| He's got a good head. | ||
| I want to punch you in the face. | ||
| Sebastian's beautiful. | ||
| Just say it. | ||
| Gross! | ||
| Like, there's other comics I hate because they're terrible. | ||
| Chelsea Handler. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's... | |
| How dare you? | ||
| I watched a special just to hate watch it. | ||
| And... | ||
| Why didn't you watch a documentary? | ||
| About butterflies. | ||
| Something positive. | ||
| Are you Alex Jones-ing me? | ||
| When I did Alex Jones' fucking thing, his podcast, before he was over the top... | ||
| Do you want to do it while you're out here? | ||
| We all know... | ||
| Do you want to do it while you're out here? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'll set it up. | ||
| He's gone... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| When he started... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fine. | |
| When Alex Jones started in Austin, we were more popular than him, and he did this... | ||
| Cable access thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then that guy, Charlie, he's like, yeah, he's just being a cartoon. | ||
| He's trying to sell tickets. | ||
| And then he bought his own bullshit. | ||
| Well, he's right about enough things that it's very confusing. | ||
| You know, Alex Jones was right about Epstein. | ||
| Spaghetti against the wall! | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| One of those strips of spaghetti is right. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He's right about more than spaghetti against the wall. | ||
| That's why we know about Operation Northwoods. | ||
| I'll give him that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I knew about that beforehand, or in that range. | ||
| I read it online. | ||
| But he... | ||
| He told me about Bohemian Grove. | ||
| He told me about Epstein's Island. | ||
| When he told me about Epstein's Island, I was like, that is the craziest thing I've ever heard, where a bunch of really rich, influential people and politicians and world leaders go to fuck underage girls. | ||
| I'm like, that's crazy. | ||
| It's an island. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And it turns out to be true. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| And he tells me people who told him about it and how he heard about it. | ||
| Jamie, remember my counterpoint is Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead. | |
| No! | ||
| You can't connect the two. | ||
| Cut it and let me go. | ||
| If you hang out with Alex, you would understand. | ||
| Alex has problems. | ||
| He's definitely had problems. | ||
| He has a lot of alcoholism. | ||
| But the problem with Alex is, all day long, he's investigating conspiracies and finding out how many of them are accurate. | ||
| And it freaks him out. | ||
| And he needs someone around him to balance things out. | ||
| And he doesn't have that. | ||
| And when he does have that, when Alex talks to people like you or me... | ||
| If Alex is here on a podcast... | ||
| Is this cut out? | ||
| No, this isn't. | ||
| If we have a good time and Alex is talking about stuff, you would know that he knows some stuff that is... | ||
| Bizarre, if true, and then turns out to be true. | ||
| And then you go, what are you doing? | ||
| All day, I study these things. | ||
| All day, I investigate these things. | ||
| And he does. | ||
| He has a lot of really weird, influential people who contact him about weird information about shit that turns out to be fucking accurate, man. | ||
| At what point are we responsible for misinformation? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because... | |
| That's a very good question. | ||
| People do believe in us. | ||
| Here's what they need to believe. | ||
| I don't want to discount... | ||
| But you and I are just talking shit. | ||
| We might be right, we might not be right, but we're not saying... | ||
| Look, if you say, in order to be a comic... | ||
| It takes a long time and a lot of work, and it's a lot of effort, and you've got to go on the road, you've got to experience different kind of crowds. | ||
| That's accurate and comes from a place of experience. | ||
| If you want to start talking about fucking Bohemian Grove, you've never been there. | ||
| I've never been there. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| We're talking shit. | ||
| If you want to, like, take my word at talking shit, that's a problem. | ||
| If you want to take my word, if we're just discussing something that we saw on the news, like, what is happening? | ||
| What's going on with Roe v. | ||
| Wade? | ||
| We don't even know. | ||
| If that is the case and you want to base your worldview on that, that's not wise. | ||
| And I would tell people, don't do that. | ||
| But if you want to stop me from talking about all subjects that I'm not 100% informed on, well, that's not going to happen. | ||
| So we're gonna have to, like, come to some sort of an agreement here. | ||
| And one of the agreements is, like, I'm gonna be honest with you. | ||
| And if I know things, I'm gonna tell you that I absolutely 100% know things. | ||
| And if I don't, I go, did you hear this thing? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| If you want to say I shouldn't talk about this because I don't have a degree in that, or I don't know, or too many people are listening, that's nonsense. | ||
| I'm not saying that I'm the fucking end-all be-all end of information here. | ||
| Cuckold is a word that I knew from porn. | ||
| And then everyone adopted that word. | ||
| Now on Twitter, you're just a cuckold. | ||
| You don't even know what it means. | ||
| I'm going to piss all over this table if we don't stop this podcast right now. | ||
| I'm going. | ||
| I'm leaving. | ||
| We're going to pee. | ||
| We'll come right back. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, you have to pee. | ||
| First time Joe Rogan has to pee before me. | ||
| We're back. | ||
| The beautiful thing about what we went through when we did the man show was that it let you know that you can't do this with everybody. | ||
| The average person is going to look at what we're trying to do and go, fuck that, that's terrible, that's awful. | ||
| But it's the same as podcasts. | ||
| Your podcast is very successful, so is mine. | ||
| No, it's not at all. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| The people that love it, love it. | ||
| The people that love it, love it. | ||
| You have a diehard group of people. | ||
| Don't lie to me, motherfucker. | ||
| I know you sell out comedy clubs all over the fucking countries. | ||
| When you're doing shows, the people that love it, love it. | ||
| Why do they love it? | ||
| They love it because it's authentically you with no filter. | ||
| Yeah, but my podcast is not popular, which is fantastic. | ||
| It's like, okay, if you're into me, alright, this is what backstage is like, and it's pretty boring. | ||
| I'm not going out shooting fucking gophers and javelinas like you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ever shot a gopher? | |
| Go for or a javelina. | ||
| Fuck you talking about? | ||
| I thought you weren't shooting javelinas. | ||
| No, you were telling me about a javelina that killed- I specifically told you not to come to Bisbee because you would be so bored. | ||
| Because my real off time is just sitting, drinking, and talking to someone. | ||
| Well, them javelinas killed your neighbor's dog. | ||
| That's this javelina dog. | ||
| That wasn't even javelinas. | ||
| That was javelinas. | ||
| The dog was even more vicious. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The dog was more vicious? | ||
| The dog was a dog that you're scared of, and I don't know the type. | ||
| And the javelinas killed a scary dog? | ||
| Yeah, very scary dog. | ||
| Giant, wolf-like fucking dog. | ||
| A javelinas killed a wolf-like dog? | ||
| Yeah, it didn't have tusks. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| This is 15 years ago, so now I'm imagining it as a fucking... | ||
| Werewolf. | ||
| But it was a scary dog. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| But you kill javelinas, haven't you? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Wild pigs, a couple times. | ||
| I would kill javelinas. | ||
| I killed a few wild pigs. | ||
| They're wild pigs, but they're not... | ||
| They're not. | ||
| They're a peccary. | ||
| It's a different animal. | ||
| Thank you for remembering that word, because every time... | ||
| But they look like wild pigs. | ||
| Yeah, real similar. | ||
| Real similar looking. | ||
| They're blind and they knock over your fucking trash. | ||
| They're not blind. | ||
| Their eyes are not that good. | ||
| Same as pigs. | ||
| That's the thing they have in common with pigs. | ||
| They operate on movement and smell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We have a friend, Neighbor Dave, who's a neighbor, oddly enough. | ||
| And he's a big, fat guy. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| He got treed by Javelinas. | ||
| He used to run a route. | ||
| That was his job. | ||
| He was running routes for Frito-Lay, going to Walmart and... | ||
| And all the surrounding towns. | ||
| And he would have to get up at 4 in the morning. | ||
| So he jumped up in the back of his pickup truck because Javelinas had gotten inside his gate. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And he got treed in the back of his... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| He's the fucking roly-poly man from the Eggman from Capitol Hill. | ||
| Dude, javelinas are fucking terrifying. | ||
| And he had to sit there for like four... | ||
| He was late for work because he had to wait for them to leave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They're the most callable animal. | ||
| There's animals that you can call in, like turkeys, and you're like... | ||
| And turkeys will come in and they think it's another turkey. | ||
| Javelinas are the most callable animal because you call them in like you're dying. | ||
| You make a screaming noise. | ||
| If javelinas think you're in pain, they come running in full clip. | ||
| This is a QAnon conspiracy. | ||
| There's videos of it. | ||
| Javelinas react better than any animal that I've ever seen that reacts to a call. | ||
| Like, the calls that they use when they hunt javelinas, and javelinas are very edible, by the way. | ||
| They're really delicious, apparently, if you cook them right. | ||
| We live in javelina territory, and we just had this conversation of people that kill javelina, and they go, ugh. | ||
| No, my friends who know how to hunt, they've killed them and they've prepared them properly. | ||
| They say they're delicious. | ||
| They say it tastes a lot like wild pigs. | ||
| But the same thing people say about wild pigs. | ||
| They're not good to eat, but they're very good to eat. | ||
| I want to shoot on this taco place. | ||
| I got so fucked. | ||
| I didn't tell anyone in Austin I was here. | ||
| And there's a very Austin taco place involved in my hotel. | ||
| So I got here two days early so Joe Rogan could finally tell me where the fuck I'm supposed to go. | ||
| He could have called me, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| He didn't text me. | ||
| He used our friend Kerry. | ||
| You didn't text me. | ||
| Last time I had to fucking go through Red Band. | ||
| Just tell me where the studio is. | ||
| Whenever you ever text me where I didn't text you back. | ||
| Because I know you're busy. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| Yeah, you're fucking dealing with fucking TMZ or something. | ||
| I don't deal with anybody. | ||
| It's in your head. | ||
| Anyway, tacos. | ||
| Tacos. | ||
| Austin thinks it's, I'm not going to say the name of the place, but it's attached to my hotel. | ||
| I got in late on Sunday. | ||
| Today is Tuesday. | ||
| I know we're doing the thing on Tuesday. | ||
| I don't know if it's the podcast or the show. | ||
| I told you it was the show. | ||
| You don't listen. | ||
| Yeah, it was the show, but I didn't know about the podcast. | ||
| But the podcast and the show. | ||
| I told you both. | ||
| Well, it wasn't in the text feed. | ||
| We talked on the phone. | ||
| The point is, I don't want to bother you. | ||
| You should have a Chaley or a Hennigan. | ||
| I can call the guy that's not bothered with fucking life. | ||
| I'm going to tell you what I said to Al Madrigal one time. | ||
| Al Madrigal was talking to me about having an assistant. | ||
| I go, just do less shit. | ||
| If you need an assistant, do less shit. | ||
| You don't want an assistant. | ||
| You have some person in your life. | ||
| It's unmanageable. | ||
| Maybe I'm giving bad advice. | ||
| Maybe he's better off with that. | ||
| But for me, I don't want anybody that's giving me my schedule every day. | ||
| I have no interest in that. | ||
| I will do less things. | ||
| Less things. | ||
| You're probably drunk less often than me, so I have to count on a guy. | ||
| Even if I was drunk all day. | ||
| What did I say last night? | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| Did I agree to do something? | ||
| Still. | ||
| With you? | ||
| Yeah, still. | ||
| I forget my point. | ||
| Tonight, we're gonna have a good fucking time. | ||
| Yeah, I know the chunk. | ||
| Because when I did Skank Fest... | ||
| Or you're doing this show, that show, the other show, and they're like, I don't do 15 minutes. | ||
| Like, you don't. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You do chunks. | ||
| Every bit is 15 minutes. | ||
| So I learned, okay, during Skank Fest, okay, this is, whatever, 12, 15, 8 minutes, I don't know. | ||
| But I know how it begins and ends, so that's what I'm doing tonight, is the bits that you tried to lead me into... | ||
| And I went, I'll save that. | ||
| I'm not going to burn material. | ||
| Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, if you get this, it'll be too late. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| While you're listening is the next day, and we've already gone over this. | ||
| I think I've done two Texas tours where I have not purposely done Austin, which is, in Texas, my biggest draw. | ||
| Why have you purposely not done Austin? | ||
| Because I'm waiting out of fucking respect for you to have a thing open. | ||
| And you've had some... | ||
| I appreciate that. | ||
| ...ups and downs. | ||
| I appreciate that very much. | ||
| Well, it's not really been ups and downs. | ||
| It was a little bit of a down, but honestly, the up that came after the down is way better. | ||
| The place we have now is a way better location. | ||
| It's a way better situation. | ||
| We've got an amazing architect. | ||
| We've got everybody here. | ||
| And also, all the people that we hired had a chance to just relax for a year and just chill out. | ||
| Financially, for me... | ||
| When I showed up here, still not knowing what we're doing, after I asked you for details of where's and when's and what's, and I got fucking radio silence. | ||
| You didn't ask me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All I know. | |
| Hang on. | ||
| You asked an old phone. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| I'll show you the phone. | ||
| Oh, do you want... | ||
| There's nothing on my phone. | ||
| Do you want to lose a bet? | ||
| These are all... | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| These are all... | ||
| See these texts right here? | ||
| Douglas, Douglas, Douglas. | ||
| See these texts? | ||
| They're all from me to you. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| The last one, from you to me... | ||
| I asked, where do I have to be when? | ||
| And you said, fantastic, can't wait to see you. | ||
| Without giving me any fucking details. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's accurate. | |
| That is accurate. | ||
| And if you want to scroll back to a year ago... | ||
| But then under that, I tell you when and where. | ||
| And it's yesterday. | ||
| I tell you yesterday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was after I ate 50 milligrams. | |
| I understand what you're saying, but I had given you the date and the time. | ||
| I really had. | ||
| It's just like you had forgotten. | ||
| So I gave it to you again. | ||
| It's all good. | ||
| No, I didn't know that. | ||
| I'm very happy. | ||
| I just want to be right. | ||
| I want to be right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Roseanne Barr. | ||
| That's my girl. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're going to see her tonight. | ||
| I love her to death. | ||
| Roseanne Barr, I reached out to her immediately after all that bullshit happened with her, and I said, listen, they don't know you. | ||
| They don't understand what's happening. | ||
| I go, if you want to come to my podcast and talk about it. | ||
| And then people started showing up with fucking news organizations and shit outside of my studio. | ||
| This is another conversation we have to have off the air. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because that night, I was fancying myself a Ray Donovan. | ||
| And I go, what you should do is Joe Rogan's podcast. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Don't say shit. | ||
| I'll show you these texts. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Look at everything. | ||
| Well, it's like my thing to her that I said to her when she first came on the show, I said, I think you're one of the greatest comics of all time. | ||
| And I said, and I know you. | ||
| And also I know what happened to you and what people don't know about Roseanne Barr is that Roseanne Barr was hit by a car when she was 15 and she was put in a mental institution for nine months. | ||
| She had a severe brain injury and so the benefits of her chaos Where Roseanne, the television show, her HBO specials, her amazing stand-up, is this wild, creative, unhinged person. | ||
| But the reason for that was because of a traumatic brain injury. | ||
| And I love her as a comic, and I love her as a person, and I love her as what she did for comedy. | ||
| She's one of the best comics of all time. | ||
| She's one of the best women comics that's ever lived. | ||
| Top 20 comedians that have ever lived, you put Roseanne in there because she was a monster in her prime. | ||
| She was a monster. | ||
| I remember seeing her first on HBO. In her prime. | ||
| She showed up in 2016. It's in that fucking, whatever, No Encore for the Donkey. | ||
| She showed up and did guest sets in Colorado Springs and Salt Lake City. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And fucking destroyed. | ||
| I don't know if you know Christine Levine, one of my favorite comedians. | ||
| She's like most of my friends, fucked. | ||
| But best comic. | ||
| And I was hosting. | ||
| I was doing a tour where I was hosting because I was trying to work out right after a special came out. | ||
| Alright, why don't I host, bring two headliner comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good move, yeah. | |
| And I can do 15, 15, 15. Yeah. | ||
| So you get enough of me that you paid for. | ||
| Great idea. | ||
| So she happened to be in Colorado and Salt Lake, where she's from Salt Lake, but she grew up in Denver. | ||
| So she showed up twice. | ||
| Christine Levine is a woman of a proportionate size and very... | ||
| Roseanne Barr-like. | ||
| So I would introduce her saying, a lot of people call her the next Roseanne Barr, and I would bring her up to do 10 to 15. Then I go, we have a special guest who's a local act, and we can all take a little bit of time to support a local act that's from here. | ||
| They call her the next Roseanne Barr. | ||
| Here's Roseanne Barr. | ||
| And she'd come up with a baseball hat and it would take like 10 seconds for people to go, oh fuck, that is Roseanne Barr. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And crush and she so now she's she's just signed on to do of some Fox has a like a Paramount Plus or a whatever plus a streaming service I'll never figure out but she just and she's like hey I just signed a thing to do this in September and I need help from working on a new act and And I talk to her for, | ||
| like you and Adele, over an hour. | ||
| Is this recently? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So she has a new deal? | ||
| They fucked up so hard when they canceled her, when they got rid of her off that show and that show went away. | ||
| She canceled herself. | ||
| You don't get canceled as a comic. | ||
| We're fucking breathing life into this bullshit. | ||
| They fired her from her own television show. | ||
| They 100% canceled her. | ||
| They fired her from her own show. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| I thought we were talking about stand-up comedians. | ||
| I'm talking about Roseanne, like when she did her show. | ||
| The day after Louis C.K. got canceled, he could have sold out five times as many people across the street from me. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But that's Louis doing live stand-up and he wanted to take a break, but Roseanne got fired from her own show. | ||
| And then they tried to do the show without her. | ||
| And it was a giant mistake. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| She should have been fucking cancelled from her own show. | ||
| She's crazy out of her tits. | ||
| And this is something we'll talk about off the air. | ||
| But isn't that what made her show amazing in the early days when she had Roseanne, the original show? | ||
| Not when she's fucking texting me that people from Saturn are invading our country. | ||
| Like the fucking guy, she sent me text messages at the same time as Dima from the Ukraine was saying, you must tell people about this. | ||
| She was texting me. | ||
| We need to let people know that people from Saturn, and I go, I don't care about immigrants as long as they pay the cover charge. | ||
| She just needs a platform. | ||
| If Roseanne wants to talk about Saturn people, come sit with me. | ||
| I'll talk to her about people from Saturn. | ||
| We're going to be okay. | ||
| She's fine. | ||
| Alex Jones is fine. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| I feel pretty good. | ||
| Douglas! | ||
| Let's get the fuck out of here and go do a show. | ||
| We nailed this show. | ||
| This was a good one. | ||
| This was you and me, like legit. | ||
| This felt like normal. | ||
| I don't know what happened last time. | ||
| It was a long time, man. | ||
| There's a fucking pandemic. | ||
| There's a lot of shit. | ||
| I cried when I left here because you fucking walked off the fucking thing and then wouldn't even say goodbye to me. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| I hugged you. | ||
| Listen, you talked to me about it afterwards, and I tried to console you. | ||
| I go, dude, it was fine. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was just awkward. | ||
| Like, when things are awkward sometimes, people... | ||
| Look, we were all going through some weird shit. | ||
| It was the first time I had left the house after 18 months. | ||
| It was fucking weird. | ||
| It was hard to get loose. | ||
| This show, we came in, we got loose, and it was normal. | ||
| It felt like 100% like you and me together. | ||
| But it's okay. | ||
| That's good for everybody to see. | ||
| This is life. | ||
| Life is fucking... | ||
| I didn't know what the fuck today was going to be like. | ||
| There's so many people in Bisbee. | ||
| I live in a town of 5,000 people away. | ||
| They don't even know what stand-up comedy is. | ||
| They don't know Sebastian Maniscalco or... | ||
| I said, if I went up and down my neighborhood and knocked on doors going, do you know who Louis C.K. or Dave Chappelle are? | ||
| They would go, why are you at my door? | ||
| They don't know, but even my UPS man, right before I left, to come out and do this, hey, I listened to Yon Rogan. | ||
| I'm going back there, but I don't know for what. | ||
| Let's just delete the old one. | ||
| Let's delete the last one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| I'll call Spotify right now. | ||
| I would never watch it. | ||
| I'll tell them you say the end word. | ||
| We'll delete it. | ||
| Two podcasts with you. | ||
| Even in my book about 2016, I wrote, I could not watch that end of the world podcast because I was so fucked. | ||
| Doug, I don't watch any of my podcasts. | ||
| No, I don't either. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Just keep moving. | ||
| But this was for the book, and I knew it would be so hard for me to watch. | ||
| That's where I think my wife might die, but I'm not going to cancel End of the World Trump Election podcast, because I put it together, and I called you, and I go... | ||
| Before Bingo was in a coma, I called you, I go, I don't think, and you go, no, fuck that! | ||
| We have to do this! | ||
| Yeah, you had to keep doing it. | ||
| And then I thought, if I said, oh wait, now my wife's in a coma, he's going to act like that's the dog ate my homework excuse. | ||
| I just wanted you to have something that would distract you from something you couldn't control. | ||
| And I felt like at least if you could get out and do something, we would hang out together. | ||
| Like, you can't control how she recovers. | ||
| And thank God she recovered. | ||
| But you can't control that. | ||
| And we were in a situation where you had an opportunity to do this thing, and I was like, let's just do this thing. | ||
| It's like, if you don't want to do it, I understand, but I think it would be good. | ||
| It was brilliant, but not because of me. | ||
| You guys, you and Bill Burr carried that. | ||
| Well, I had to leave because I did a set in the OR, and I found out that Sarah Tiana and Bill Burr got in a tremendous argument, and I wish that I had the courage to go back and listen to the podcast and find that. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| That's the only thing I wanted to see. | ||
| I wrote that in the book. | ||
| I will tell you everything, but I will not watch that because I would hate myself so much. | ||
| But I know what, I was under duress and fucking... | ||
| Yeah, you were. | ||
| You were, but it was okay. | ||
| Freaked out. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Even the fact that Hannigan kept bringing people on the stage. | ||
| Like, why is there eight people on the stage? | ||
| I remember you. | ||
| It was all fun. | ||
| Why is it... | ||
| I go... | ||
| We should have more diversity on this stage. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he said. | ||
| I go, get the fuck out of here, Hollywood boy. | ||
| I kicked him into the backstage. | ||
| I remember Alan Manson called you on the phone. | ||
| I go, hang up on him. | ||
| I go, he's right back there. | ||
| He could walk right through the fucking stage. | ||
| He would not come on stage. | ||
| He was supposed to come on stage. | ||
| I go, come on, hang up on him. | ||
| Because he was calling you. | ||
| I was like, hang up! | ||
| Hang up! | ||
| That dirt. | ||
| Marilyn Manson is so fucking beautiful. | ||
| He's the most gentle person. | ||
| And what happened that night, before we even got to End of the World, is in the book. | ||
| And I've not been sued yet. | ||
| What book is this? | ||
| No Encore for the Donkey. | ||
| Is that available on Amazon? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was an Audible exclusive, but now the hard copy's coming out. | ||
| I told Brian Hennigan, I said, if this is not out in hard copy, by the time I do Rogan, you're fired. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How is Hennigan still around after the End of the World podcast? | ||
| You should have told him, you gotta seek your own path, sir. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| We're a family. | ||
| Give him a sprig of sage and send him into the woods. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's here in town. | ||
| Is he coming tonight? | ||
| Please tell him. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Please tell him to come tonight. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I'm just jumping around. | ||
| If it's not out, and now it's my fault, because I have to just fix two sentences in the introduction of the physical copy, because it's only been out on Audible for fucking a year and a half. | ||
| Now, well, just write a short introduction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just write a short introduction, lad. | |
| It's almost as hard as writing your own bio. | ||
| Yeah, writing your own bio is gross. | ||
| Oh my god, it's fucking disgusting. | ||
| Let's get out of here. | ||
| Doug Stanhope has been thrilling and entertaining clubs and colleges across the United States. | ||
| He appeals to both. | ||
| He is an iconoclast. | ||
| He says what we're all thinking but we're afraid to say. | ||
| I love those guys. | ||
| Douglas, me boy! | ||
| I just want to say, fuck Bisbee. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's like, every place gets weird. | ||
| Every fucking place on Earth. | ||
| You live in the fucking middle of the desert, people will find you. | ||
| Nice shoes. | ||
| 212 Van Dyke Street. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Bisbee, Arizona. | ||
| Edit that out. | ||
| Edit that out. | ||
| They come to you. | ||
| No, if you Google Doug... | ||
| Jamie, Google search Doug Stanhope's address. | ||
| The problem is not Google searching. | ||
| The problem is 11 million people listening to you say your address. | ||
| Don't do that to yourself. | ||
| Your ratings have dropped. | ||
| I thought it was 30. Might be 80. Schizophrenics. | ||
| They'll come. | ||
| They'll come for you. | ||
| You don't want that. | ||
| Maybe I'll have to do that bit. | ||
| That's a bit I can only do on stage because I can't do it on a podcast. | ||
| Jack, listen to me, boy. | ||
| This podcast is... | ||
| Get me out of here! | ||
| How many hours long is this? | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| It's like, it's a lot. | ||
| You pissed first! | ||
| I did. | ||
| I did piss first. | ||
| VulcanATX.com, that's where we're at tonight. | ||
| Doug Stanhope, I love you to death. | ||
| I'm glad we went through this together, all of it, including the last podcast, and then this one, which is perfect. | ||
| The last one was like, it's good. | ||
| Gotta take a loss sometimes. | ||
| Gotta feel bad. | ||
| I cried after that last podcast. | ||
| You gotta feel bad! | ||
| Literally. | ||
| I've had bad ones. | ||
| I sent you a video. | ||
| I left here so dejected because you wouldn't talk to me after the podcast. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Well, that's how I remember it. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Truth is how you remember it. | ||
| Douglas, Douglas. | ||
| But I sent you a video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not true. | |
| I hugged you. | ||
| I said goodbye. | ||
| You left. | ||
| My fucking security guard picked you up on the road. | ||
| That's what I was getting to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You forgot. | |
| I thought a fan. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It was my first time leaving the house after 18 months and I drove out here. | ||
| But you can't say that I didn't say goodbye to you. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| But that might not be true. | ||
| You were frustrated at the awkwardness of the last podcast. | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| I'm just getting to the point where I'm walking, it's like three blocks from a hotel, and a guy pulled up and goes, Hey Stan Hope! | ||
| And I thought, it's a random fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you'd met him a couple hours earlier. | |
| Well, I was walking home all... | ||
| Like, I might as well have a stick and a... | ||
| Like, I'm... | ||
| I'm humbling my way off. | ||
| Like, Tom... | ||
| Yeah, my security guy calls me and he's like, I don't think he's doing so good. | ||
| It's on video. | ||
| If you want to put that video on this... | ||
| No, I don't want people to see my fucking security guy's face. | ||
| Oh, look for him. | ||
| Google search. | ||
| Your security guy. | ||
| You had like nine of them. | ||
| You gotta have a few. | ||
| They're all fucking Navy SEAL Team 6. Well, it's good to have strong men to protect you from Doug Stanhope's whims. | ||
| But I was so dejected like I fucked up the last podcast. | ||
| But you didn't, Doug. | ||
| Doug, you didn't. | ||
| But the point is, for the listeners, I'm walking home. | ||
| It's three blocks to the closest hotel that I've found. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm walking through this industrial field of fucking... | ||
| And someone yells, Stan Hope! | ||
| And I think it's a fan. | ||
| And I was so out of my sorts. | ||
| I go, yes, I will take a random ride from a fan. | ||
| I thought it was a fan. | ||
| And then I started filming it. | ||
| And then I realized, oh, this is not a fan. | ||
| This is one of your fucking security people. | ||
| I think he kind of had to explain that to you. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| It's fucked! | ||
| Yeah, don't do that. | ||
| Don't just jump into people's cars. | ||
| If there's any message we can get out today that can help everyone, don't jump into people's cars. | ||
| I'm sorry if I'm promoting the time that it went well that I jumped. | ||
| I'm going to ask me, boy! | ||
| Let's wrap this up. | ||
| Get me out of here. | ||
| Instagram, please. | ||
| Give him back his fucking account. | ||
| I love you, Instagram. | ||
| I know you're fucking censoring people and shadow banning. | ||
| I never said anything on there. | ||
| Brian Hennigan just put up random tweets. | ||
| He's a terrible person. | ||
| He's a terrible person. | ||
| Look who he's done to you. | ||
| If you reinstate my Instagram... | ||
| Take credit. | ||
| So it's not all these other people that say, I did it myself. | ||
| I think we can make that happen. | ||
| But shout out to all the people that are out there managing social media, trying to deal with all the fucking armies of people putting content up 24-7. | ||
| I can't imagine managing at scale. | ||
| Douglas, survivor of COVID, great stand-up comedian, friend of mine for life tonight. | ||
| We're going to have some fun. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Goodbye, everybody. | ||
| God bless. | ||
| Hari Krishna. | ||
| Take us out, big girl. |
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