July 22, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:30:05
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| You decided to shake your head now, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's better, right? | ||
| It's smoother and it's easier. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So much better. | ||
| Imagine going to a barbershop now. | ||
| God took care of a lot of it. | ||
| God took care of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| God cursed you. | ||
| Too much scalp. | ||
| I want it back. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I really want to do a Mohawk correctly. | ||
| And I want it for a little bit. | ||
| Remember how much fun I'd have in my hair? | ||
| Well, you could do stuff with your hair to get it back that's not as dangerous as the... | ||
| Staples? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| There's a guy named Derek. | ||
| He's got a website called More Plates, More Dates. | ||
| And he talks a lot about... | ||
| Hormone optimization, all kinds of stuff, but also recovering hair loss. | ||
| And there's a bunch of different things you can do. | ||
| There's topical shampoos that remove DHT from the scalp that help bring your hair back. | ||
| But it'll get back? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You're pretty far gone. | ||
| There's this Amazonian treatment for it. | ||
| Amazonian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then I found this lady who was like, there's a lot of fake shit on the market there. | ||
| Can I curse on this? | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| Sorry, I won't do it again. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And so she could smell it and tell that's real. | ||
| Oh, no way. | ||
| That's a lot of corn oil. | ||
| And I was like, see this botanist guy? | ||
| I was like, will it work? | ||
| And he was like, yes. | ||
| And then he looks up and he goes... | ||
| Unless you're too far gone, then it will not work. | ||
| But he goes, none of those people on the Amazon have hair loss. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And that's why. | ||
| Yeah, all those fucking... | ||
| We talked about all those... | ||
| Mostly it's genetic, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mostly it's genetic. | ||
| If a lot of people on the Amazon don't have it, I doubt it's because they're all rubbing leaves on their head. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| Because it's not a common thing amongst Native Americans that are pure blood. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People that are pure Native American, it's not a very common thing. | ||
| Everyone talks about how hard it is to be Native American, but the full locks of hair. | ||
| Well, you do have to realize that 95% of them died from the plague. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's a litter also, which they never liked. | ||
| Litter? | ||
| You know. | ||
| Oh, the Indian that cried? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The pollution? | ||
| The last 5% was like, come on, guys! | ||
| There's 5% of us left, and you're chucking shit in our yard. | ||
| Yeah, I was listening to this thing where these settlers, post-smallpox, were arriving in towns, and there would be no one in the town. | ||
| It would be ghosts, and they thought the people had abandoned the town. | ||
| They hadn't figured it out yet, but it would literally look like the entire town was wiped out. | ||
| From the plague? | ||
| From the plague, yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That was a really common thing. | ||
| They think that's what happened to South America. | ||
| They think that's what happened to the Amazon. | ||
| They think that the lost city of Z, the lost city of Zed, however you want to say it, they think that that was a massive civilization that existed in the Amazon, and then the European settlers came down, and just like they did with the Mayans, just like they did with the Native Americans, just like they did with it, they brought horrible fucking diseases and everybody died. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's the number one theory. | ||
| Because, like, people are thinking about what's going on right now, right? | ||
| You know, like, see how even a disease that doesn't kill, you know, a high percentage of people can spread throughout this entire country. | ||
| And hundreds of, I mean, I don't know how many people have been infected by COVID now. | ||
| It's got to be in the millions, right? | ||
| We've got it and recovered. | ||
| Now, imagine if that was smallpox. | ||
| Then they're all dead. | ||
| They're all dead. | ||
| Wow, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most of them are dead. | ||
| Like, it's a high percentage. | ||
| Especially back then. | ||
| And the people that survive, you're horribly scarred forever. | ||
| You have these horrible pockmarks all over your face. | ||
| And they had no antibodies for that shit, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Nope. | ||
| For whatever the settlers came with? | ||
| Well, even the Europeans... | ||
| Had a rough time with that, but for the Native Americans, everything the Europeans brought over, all their diseases. | ||
| Was all new. | ||
| All of it was new. | ||
| No one had any immunity to it, and so these people who, the Europeans who were surviving with these diseases, came in and infected untold numbers of people. | ||
| They don't even know how many people died from the plague in the Native American populations. | ||
| They just think the estimate is somewhere in the neighborhood of 90 plus percent of all the people who are dead. | ||
| How many Indians were there? | ||
| That's what they think. | ||
| They think there was millions. | ||
| But when, you know, by the time like the 1800s came around and they started trying to round them up and put them in reservations and all that horrible shit, there was way less. | ||
| But like in 1550, in 1492, whatever, like how many, do they have any estimate of how many there were? | ||
| They think there were millions. | ||
| Two millions? | ||
| A hundred? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| It's hard to say, right? | ||
| Because they have, like... | ||
| One of the things that happens is, like, you have the first wave of people that come in, like, 14-whatever. | ||
| East Coast? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They land, and then who knows how many fucking people they infect? | ||
| Right away. | ||
| And they spread it, spread it, spread it. | ||
| So if another wave comes back in 50 years, how many people are left? | ||
| How many people died from the initial infection? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But all these books about Native Americans talk about just a wave through people. | ||
| 60 million? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| 60 million in 1492. Damn, that's a bright... | ||
| Look at that TV. By combining all published estimates from populations throughout the Americas, we find a probable indigenous population of 60 million in 1492. Europe's population at the time was 70 to 88 million. | ||
| See, scroll down there. | ||
| What killed 90% of the Native American population between 50 and 160 smallpox? | ||
| When the New Europeans arrived, carrying germs which thrived in dense semi-urban populations, the indigenous people, the Americans, were effectively doomed. | ||
| That is amazing, man. | ||
| 90%. | ||
| It's a scary fucking number, man. | ||
| Is that a flat screen? | ||
| That's really nice. | ||
| Of course it's flat screen. | ||
| What are you living in the past? | ||
| Damn, bro. | ||
| What are you saying, man? | ||
| Can you swear on TV? The big boxes still out there. | ||
| People still have those? | ||
| You see it and you realize, that's somebody old just to touch. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Or got put in a home. | ||
| Where you're like, who would still have it? | ||
| My grandpa had one of them cabinet ones. | ||
| Where you open up the cabinet, and the TV was like a part of the furniture. | ||
| It was so classy. | ||
| And then underneath was where all the VHS tapes went? | ||
| There was no VHS tapes when he had it. | ||
| No, it was none of that. | ||
| And then a lot of times what would happen, that TV would die, and they would put a new TV on top of the cabinet. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That would be the move. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because you can't throw away the cabinet. | ||
| It's a nice cabinet. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| It's a beautiful piece of furniture. | ||
| It was like ornately designed and the whole deal. | ||
| And you open up the cabinet to watch TV and you slide the doors into the sides. | ||
| Oh yeah, the thing would come out too. | ||
| You put the slider. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Classy. | ||
| Old tubes. | ||
| They have black and white TV. There's people doing art stuff with them now. | ||
| They're picking them out and putting flowers in there or something. | ||
| Yeah, but that's art you don't really want. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, okay, I see what you did. | ||
| I appreciate that you're not just trying to throw it out, but who wants that in their house? | ||
| Yeah, but you're like, it's got no swords in it. | ||
| This art sucks. | ||
| You'd be like, look at this stupid old cabinet. | ||
| It's kind of cool, though, but so are old computers, right? | ||
| Like, if you have, like, an Apple II. Remember the colorful apples? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The iMacs. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| You could see the inside, too. | ||
| That was like, damn! | ||
| They could bring a new version of that back, but now the iMacs are, like, thin as that pad you have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just did that. | ||
| They're, like, they're all colors now. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| The first time in 15 years. | ||
| Yeah, they got gold. | ||
| But not crazy colors. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| What do they look like? | ||
| It's just, like, the flat screen with the colored back and... | ||
| Let me see what it looks like. | ||
| They're so thin now. | ||
| It's really amazing. | ||
| Ooh, like that. | ||
| Look, you've got a plastic protector on your laptop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How can you protect your laptop and not everything else in your laptop? | |
| You mean condoms? | ||
| Because this doesn't feel worse. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, they're sweet. | ||
| Oh, like a real iMac. | ||
| That's so thin. | ||
| Like an iPad. | ||
| That's how thin they are. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And that's like all you need, right? | ||
| That does everything you need. | ||
| You definitely can't play this on sound because they bought the rights to this, some fucking hip music to play behind it, right? | ||
| I'm sure they did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They fucking robbed the Beatles or whatever. | |
| It's pretty beautiful though. | ||
| Those look fucking clutch. | ||
| Is that Ally McCoskey in that fucking commercial? | ||
| Ally's trying to get paid. | ||
| Leave her alone, bro. | ||
| 11.5 millimeters thin. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's tiny. | ||
| Is that real size? | ||
| That sounds awesome until you realize you don't know what a millimeter is. | ||
| I know what it is. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| I just found out how much a kilogram is. | ||
| Found out I'm 90.7 kilograms. | ||
| Kilograms? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Heavy? | |
| That's a... | ||
| Kilograms in Celsius. | ||
| Like, get the fuck out of here with that. | ||
| Like, on the wall up there, oh, we've changed it to Fahrenheit. | ||
| Thank the baby Jesus. | ||
| It was Celsius for a while. | ||
| It's the only way to learn. | ||
| So confusing. | ||
| Yeah, you have to leave it at Celsius. | ||
| Yeah, you have to leave it and, like, slowly start to learn. | ||
| Yeah, because you look at 24 Celsius, you're like, that ain't shit. | ||
| Meanwhile, you're gonna die. | ||
| No, 24 Celsius is not bad. | ||
| Isn't it like 100 degrees? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's 34 Celsius. | ||
| Yeah, 34, 35 is a lot. | ||
| I'm thinking 34. I was in Vegas last weekend, and it was 117 degrees. | ||
| 117, dude. | ||
| It was so hot. | ||
| We got off the plane. | ||
| It was like, holy shit. | ||
| It was like a hair dryer just blowing in your face. | ||
| It's dry, but it's like, it beats down on you sometimes there. | ||
| There in Phoenix would get you like, fuck! | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| There in Phoenix. | ||
| I was walking on this ship in Vegas a long time ago, and my Chuck Taylors on the cement, so walking like 30-40 minutes, started to melt. | ||
| It started to feel like I stepped in gum on both shoes. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, too hot. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Yeah, it's not made for that. | ||
| You can melt your sneakers? | ||
| It can get that hot? | ||
| What temperature do sneakers melt that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Redame this podcast. | ||
| Let's look it up with Joe Rogan. | ||
| Yeah, you would need work shoes. | ||
| You would need like fucking heavy duty work boots to walk. | ||
| Oh yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like something fucking really thick. | ||
| You couldn't have steel toe because they'll burn your toes. | ||
| Yeah, I got some dress shoes from David August that are, they have leather on the bottom of them. | ||
| I never owned a pair of shoes that have leather soles. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, so you have to scuff them up. | ||
| So I haven't scuffed them up. | ||
| Otherwise, they're real slippery. | ||
| That's why I would never wear them. | ||
| I'm like, these things, you're like, you're putting yourself at a significant handicap just walking around. | ||
| Shabbat shoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| It was so hot in Texas a couple years ago. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is really melting. | ||
| Oh, so the glue was melting. | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| But that's only 106 degrees. | ||
| It takes 250 to melt rubber, so. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Well, I guess it's just... | ||
| Well, the cement takes more. | ||
| Yeah, so I was looking up how hot it gets. | ||
| I'm glad you found that, because when I said it was melting, and then we were like, how hot does that have to be? | ||
| I'm like, could this be a false memory? | ||
| If it looked like you're dead wrong. | ||
| There was a thought at one point in time, like there was a suggestion to paint all the roads white. | ||
| To try to eliminate some of the heat that comes in cities, which really makes sense. | ||
| You look at all the streets, they're all black. | ||
| Black is the worst in terms of reflecting the sun. | ||
| It makes it very hot. | ||
| And they were going to paint everything white. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they probably realized that cost a lot of money. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Who's going to do that? | ||
| So, did you go back to New York? | ||
| You're in New York. | ||
| Back to New York. | ||
| Got a new place. | ||
| You were in South America for how many months? | ||
| Ces meses. | ||
| Six months. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Ces. | ||
| Ces meses? | ||
| Meses. | ||
| Is meses a month? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Plural. | ||
| How good are you at speaking Spanish? | ||
| It got a lot better, for sure, for sure. | ||
| Because you can have conversations with people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, okay, so if you put me in, like, legal situation, I'm like, oh, I don't come across these words much. | ||
| Or like the dentist. | ||
| I'm like, this is all new. | ||
| What if you say, how do I buy marijuana? | ||
| It's already dropped a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| To purchase. | ||
| Fuck, I forgot that word. | ||
| You lived with a family. | ||
| Mota. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mota marijuana? | ||
| No, mota is marijuana. | ||
| Oh, mota. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is funny. | ||
| Marijuana is a Mexican word. | ||
| You'd be like Tienes Mota? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tienes Mota. | |
| Do you have mota? | ||
| Why is it mota? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Instead of marijuana? | ||
| Well, marijuana is... | ||
| I think they call it marijuana, though. | ||
| That word comes from a Mexican word for wild tobacco. | ||
| It's a slang for wild tobacco. | ||
| That's why they used it during the scare days. | ||
| During the Harry Anslinger... | ||
| The wild, like, black guys are going to fuck your wives if you smoke weed. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what they did to try to scare people. | ||
| They called it marijuana because if they called it cannabis, people knew that that was used for hemp. | ||
| And that was already used as textile and it was already a commodity. | ||
| And so to ban it, they had to make sure that they made it something exotic. | ||
| So they called it marijuana and all these people freaked out. | ||
| It's funny that they don't even use that term in Mexico. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was just stolen from them? | ||
| You're saying mota. | ||
| You could find it there, but it was difficult. | ||
| I don't know if it was COVID stuff. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| Because the nightclubs weren't open, and that's where people were like, go to the nightclubs, but that's where I'd get it, but they're not really open right now. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, so when we found some, we found some, and we were like, it took like a week and a half, two weeks, and we're like, fuck, we might not get some. | ||
| We kept looking at people that were smoking, like, can we go up to them and say, can I buy some off you? | ||
| But that's so weird. | ||
| Like, if you were smoking with me and someone's like, can I buy some weed? | ||
| You'd be like, no. | ||
| Even if it was legal, I'd be like, this is mine. | ||
| Well, not only that, you have to worry about organized crime, right? | ||
| You have to worry about getting wrapped up with the wrong humans. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't a worry there. | ||
| You weren't in a bad spot? | ||
| That's just Guayaquil. | ||
| The rest was all pretty cool. | ||
| That's just where? | ||
| Guayaquil. | ||
| That's where the gangs are. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's the biggest city. | ||
| This is in Ecuador? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| But then when we found some, we were like, do you have? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, I can get some tomorrow. | ||
| I can make my buddy to a head shop. | ||
| He's like, I'll bring it back tomorrow. | ||
| So he did. | ||
| And he goes, how much do you want? | ||
| And we're like... | ||
| A pound. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| So I go, how much is it? | ||
| He goes, it's like a dollar a gram, so I can get 30 grams for 30 bucks. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I don't know if we want like an ounce, maybe just like a quarter ounce. | ||
| And my partner was like, no, we're going to take an ounce. | ||
| It's $30, even if it's terrible. | ||
| And it's so strong. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So strong. | ||
| Like California weed. | ||
| No. | ||
| Stronger. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Not as strong. | ||
| More psychedelic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I was sitting smoking in the Amazon and I started seeing lines. | ||
| Like lines in the horizon. | ||
| Like you know when you're like tripping a little? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like that. | ||
| It wasn't that it would obliterate me the way like heavy like I don't know Blue Dream would do. | ||
| But like, yeah, you would get these psychedelic waves. | ||
| You think it was laced? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| For sure. | ||
| With what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| People said they put acid on it, but I don't think you can like smoke acid. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| So, Jamie. | ||
| Can you smoke acid? | ||
| Next on Looking It Up with Joe Rogan. | ||
| I'm thinking about the lines. | ||
| Yeah, it was weird. | ||
| And we were like, oh, maybe I just haven't smoked in a while. | ||
| And then both of us were like, no, we're potheads. | ||
| So there's no like, we know what this is. | ||
| Something different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| And then we went back and we're like, do you have anything not so strong? | ||
| And he goes, I can get some fluffier flour. | ||
| And it was 30 bucks for one gram. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And it wasn't as strong. | ||
| Their whole system was fucked. | ||
| Wasn't as strong, but it's more pure, so they're giving you some shit that's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was all mushed down, like, you know, it's wet and like smushed. | ||
| I bet it had a little acid. | ||
| It had to have something in it. | ||
| It had to. | ||
| We thought about it over and over again. | ||
| You've done acid many times. | ||
| You know what acid feels like. | ||
| Did it feel like acid? | ||
| It felt a little bit like that. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| But doesn't edibles feel a little bit like acid? | ||
| At times? | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| I think when you close your eyes... | ||
| How many times have you done that? | ||
| Yeah, maybe when you start seeing stuff when your eyes are closed. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Edibles get pretty psychedelic at high doses when you're closing your eyes and it's dark out. | ||
| They just bury me. | ||
| Yeah, but when you close your eyes, you see wild shit. | ||
| And you start seeing stuff? | ||
| I remember I was on a plane once and I saw these neon cartoons fucking. | ||
| It was just all these neon cartoons just fucking and making more neon cartoons. | ||
| They were just constantly making... | ||
| But they were like neon, like really bright. | ||
| Humanoids? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sort of humanoid, but some of them were like Goofy or Donald Duck-ish. | ||
| You know, just like cartoonish. | ||
| But they were all trying to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And they were all like made out of neon. | ||
| They were almost like... | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, I was awake, yeah, but I had my eyes completely closed. | ||
| I was obliterated. | ||
| Obliterated. | ||
| There's no way to fly. | ||
| I was just closing my eyes, and I was just watching these things happen. | ||
| They were just almost like fractal. | ||
| They were giving birth and making new cartoons and fucking each other. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, it was wild. | ||
| I've never had that on edibles. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I was so blasted. | ||
| I think that was one of the trips with Joey, where he would give you those chibichus and... | ||
| You didn't know what you're doing. | ||
| You don't know what you're doing. | ||
| Until halfway in. | ||
| See him smiling and you're like, fuck! | ||
| I can't get out of this. | ||
| You can't get out of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And his ability to absorb them is insane. | ||
| It's just so stunning how much he can put in his body and tolerate. | ||
| He's like, I saw him the other day, and he's like, I barely even do any intervals. | ||
| I get high, and I'm like, I forgot the number he gave me, like 100 milligrams. | ||
| I'm like, that's massive still! | ||
| That's way more than anyone! | ||
| 100 milligrams is a good dose. | ||
| People take five, people take 30, and that's like a pro. | ||
| You're on dad's level. | ||
| My favorite thing to do with air travel is a 200 milligram dose. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| If you know you've got to be in a plane for six hours, if you know you've got to be in a plane for six hours, you know you could just curl up in that chair and just be obliterated for five hours. | ||
| The old breast strip days would get me, 25 would get me that for six hours. | ||
| Those were so inconsistent. | ||
| Yeah, they were. | ||
| Sometimes they would get you nothing. | ||
| And sometimes you'd be fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You never knew. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never knew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It sounds like you cannot smoke LST. Interesting. | |
| What can you lace weed with? | ||
| Fentanyl, I've heard of a lot. | ||
| Hell yeah, I'm a huge fentanyl fan now then. | ||
| Or PCP. Oh, maybe that. | ||
| But like they would have had to spray it on there or something. | ||
| I bet you had PCP. I don't know how you would have done that. | ||
| Do you know that PCP is essentially the same thing as ketamine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah, I didn't know that. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I wouldn't know that, no. | ||
| Dr. Carl Hart explained that to me. | ||
| Wild, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Would never think. | ||
| Although, like, PCP is the crazy drug. | ||
| You run through walls and fight the cops. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah, jump out of a building and get right back up. | ||
| Yeah, you don't give a fuck. | ||
| Run through a glass window. | ||
| Well, they mislabel a lot of drugs sometimes where they're like, this guy was on, like... | ||
| They had marijuana systems. | ||
| You're like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It was bath salts. | ||
| Or they call it something and you find out later what it actually is because they're too much of a nerd to actually know there's a new drug in the market. | ||
| The bath salt days were hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember those days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eating face? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The eating face guy. | ||
| That guy ate some dude's face. | ||
| And a cop was like, lost it. | ||
| He was like, I don't know what to do. | ||
| He was like, stop eating his fucking face. | ||
| And he just shot the guy. | ||
| He was like, stop eating his face immediately. | ||
| Bro, have you ever talked to cops about some of the things they've seen? | ||
| I like dark stuff. | ||
| I should now from now on. | ||
| I had a conversation recently with a cop who's telling me some horrible shit. | ||
| He caught a guy as he murdered his wife in front of their kids. | ||
| He was there as he murdered her on top of her strangling her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got there. | ||
| She was already dead. | ||
| They tried to revive her. | ||
| But the kids were screaming at the guy. | ||
| He got out of jail and was telling everybody- Got out of jail? | ||
| Telling everybody when he gets out of jail he's going to kill her. | ||
| So he got out of jail. | ||
| And then killed her. | ||
| And then killed her. | ||
| But they got there right as- Her last breath. | ||
| He was on top of her. | ||
| He had been choking her for who knows how many minutes. | ||
| And the kids had been screaming for who knows how long. | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| Did they shoot him? | ||
| Did they push him off? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't ask. | ||
| I didn't ask. | ||
| There's that moment too where you bust in and you have to see it and analyze the situation and then run and push. | ||
| I guess they'd known of the guy and they knew the situation, people in the neighborhood. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| That's why when people say defund the police and use social workers to deal with domestic violence cases, I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| First of all, they're the most dangerous cases for cops. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they would just be as dangerous for a social worker, but they wouldn't be equipped to handle that in terms of building the use force. | ||
| The ones in Oz were always getting fucked up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oz. | |
| I was like, I'm not equipped with this. | ||
| Remember in the movies when every cop was like, I'm not seeing a shrink! | ||
| And now you're like, why wouldn't you? | ||
| Are you crazy after seeing a man murder his wife in front of his kids? | ||
| For sure see a shrink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that was just one of many things this guy told me. | |
| He's seen a lot of horrible shit. | ||
| He's seen a lot of horrible shit. | ||
| And, you know, those guys, every time they go on a call, they could run into that. | ||
| Look, I'm not defending bad cops ever, you know? | ||
| Bad cops are like bad everything else. | ||
| There's just bad people. | ||
| There's people that suck. | ||
| They suck at everything. | ||
| They suck at being a waiter. | ||
| They suck at being a garbage man. | ||
| But when you suck at being a cop and you're a piece of shit who turns out to be a cop, it's horrible for everybody. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| Those are the guys. | ||
| Yeah, those are the problems. | ||
| But those are the ones also you should befriend. | ||
| Because they can bend the rules for you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's dangerous when they're not on your side, so get them on your side. | ||
| There's guys that just like the power. | ||
| Everyone does. | ||
| You give someone a gun? | ||
| I mean, immediately you've got to be like, people are scared of me now. | ||
| Not just that, but you're always worried that someone's going to shoot you, and you've got to be ready. | ||
| There's another thing I've been watching a lot lately, is cops pulling people over and then getting shot. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's your algorithm? | ||
| There's a lot of those videos. | ||
| There's a lot of those videos you can watch where cops are pulling people over and they say, license, and they're getting shot at before they even have a chance. | ||
| The guy was just ready for him to come up. | ||
| Guy in the backseat shooting out the window, tinted windows. | ||
| That's why every time they go up to a car that has tinted windows, they're freaking the fuck out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Especially if there's tinted back windows, right? | ||
| They're rolling up to the front and the back's all tinted. | ||
| They don't know who's in there. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| This video that I was watching, this cop was getting shot at through the backseat. | ||
| They gotta have, um, what's that shit you can see through into the... | ||
| Infrared or something? | ||
| Infrared, yeah. | ||
| The stuff they use in Predator. | ||
| Oh, that kind of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See who's there, see what they carry. | ||
| It's probably illegal, but... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what the fuck the solution to that is. | ||
| Because, like, you're... | ||
| You're gonna pull over criminals. | ||
| You gotta pull people over for driving, though. | ||
| Too fast. | ||
| You gotta be like, hey, stop. | ||
| I have to give you some repercussions. | ||
| Or, you know, what if you pull over someone and you, you know, because you read their plate and maybe they're driving erratically and the guy reads their plate and he goes, oh, this is a wanted felon. | ||
| So now you gotta hit the lights and maybe it's just you and your partner. | ||
| And then, you know, you got a car with maybe four criminals in it who have guns. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Why would you do it? | ||
| Why would that even be a job? | ||
| It's a crazy job. | ||
| But someone's got to do it, right? | ||
| Because you see what's going on right now in New York City, where they've defunded the police, and they've got shootings all over the place, and their homicide rate is way up. | ||
| Well, not all over the place. | ||
| Well, not in the East Village, right? | ||
| No, maybe it's up there. | ||
| It ain't around me. | ||
| It's a utopia where I live. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Utopia? | |
| I mean, you have some people pissing in the streets, but like... | ||
| Bumsmen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And adults. | ||
| Drinking, dude. | ||
| You can drink on the street still. | ||
| Oh, because it's changed. | ||
| The change, the law changed. | ||
| 2 p.m., you're carrying a fucking... | ||
| You're bombed. | ||
| You're wearing a suit. | ||
| You just piss. | ||
| Is the whole law changed? | ||
| Like, it used to be you can't have an open container on the street. | ||
| I mean, when you talk about defund the police and the dangers of what they want to crack down on, can you imagine them cracking down on a Budweiser? | ||
| Not after all this shit. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Not after this year. | ||
| That's the lightest of their concerns. | ||
| I mean, before we got legalized last year, you'd walk right up to them with a joint and a beer. | ||
| Like, which way is whatever? | ||
| And they would just be like, you're taking a chance, dude. | ||
| It's that way. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They wouldn't care. | ||
| They didn't care. | ||
| Also, they wanted people outside. | ||
| Everyone was like, during all that fucking craziness, it was like, just be outside. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Don't murder. | ||
| Isn't it wild how much the world's changed in a year and a half? | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| I don't think everybody's totally realized how much the world's changed. | ||
| It happens in little increments, and so you sort of keep accepting the small increments. | ||
| And you've already forgotten the go outside with ski gloves and a ski mask on, like March 15th of the year before. | ||
| We're like, fuck, fuck, get away from me, you're too close. | ||
| That seems like, no. | ||
| But that was a real thing? | ||
| Buying canned kale? | ||
| Because you're like, are the trucks going to stop coming in? | ||
| We need calories in the house. | ||
| Yeah, and people didn't know how long it stayed on surfaces. | ||
| Uh-huh, wiping it down. | ||
| Remember there was that one cruise ship? | ||
| And the cruise ship, a bunch of people got it and they got stuck on the boat. | ||
| You scared the shit out of me on that. | ||
| Because it was like, you were like, dude, 17 days after every... | ||
| That's your impression. | ||
|
unidentified
|
17 days after everyone was off, they were still coming out that way. | |
| Does anybody do a good impression of me where it actually sounds like me? | ||
| There's a lot of really good Jordan Peterson impressions. | ||
| There's a lot of really good... | ||
| I'm trying to think if anyone does a good Joe Roe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| I just felt the vibe when I was saying it. | ||
| A little intense? | ||
| Yeah, a little intense. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some of this wood is chipped in from Tennessee! | |
| And you're like, oh wow, that's crazy. | ||
| I'm like, wait, that's not that much. | ||
| Yeah, but you were like, it's still alive on surfaces 17 days after everyone's off the fucking boat, man. | ||
| Yeah, that is true. | ||
| They found it on surfaces. | ||
| But the thing is, you can't really catch it off surfaces. | ||
| They didn't know that then. | ||
| They thought you were catching it from touching things, but you're really catching it from the air. | ||
| Yeah, someone sneezes in your face. | ||
| Yeah, well, not just that, just breathing. | ||
| And apparently this new Delta variant, this new variant. | ||
| I'm done with this thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you? | |
| Done thinking about it. | ||
| You give a fuck? | ||
| I had a mask ceremony. | ||
| As soon as I got my two weeks, I did it, told my mom, like, I'll perform outdoors until it's done. | ||
| As soon as I got back, the shot the next day. | ||
| Second that two-week thing was done, I think it was June 1st, I walked from my old apartment to my new apartment, stopped in the park, put some Palo Santo out, lit it up, burned a mask ceremoniously, and just said, I'm done with this. | ||
| Done. | ||
| I'm not thinking about it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So, I'm on public policy. | ||
| Are you taking vitamins? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, you know, occasionally I take Barocas. | ||
| No, I'm done with it. | ||
| What's a Barocca? | ||
| Barocas? | ||
| It's like a multi... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's got all the shit in it. | ||
| But you should take vitamins just for your health. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, what are you talking about? | ||
| I don't have it in here. | ||
| You done? | ||
| You don't give a fuck? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's just like, I'm not going to think about it. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's like, it's holding my life back to be thinking about. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| To be arguing with people all the time. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| I'm not changing anything. | ||
| So, when it's shut down, let me know. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It does hold your life back. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like I can't have an effect on it. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| But you can take care of your body. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Put your body in a better position that if something happens. | ||
| I know four people that have it right now. | ||
| How are they, though? | ||
| One of them's not so good. | ||
| One of them feels like shit. | ||
| And one of them is just kind of coughing, and he got through it. | ||
| One of them just got it. | ||
| I haven't talked to her. | ||
| I don't know how bad she got it. | ||
| Girls get it now? | ||
| Girls get it. | ||
| I know two people that are vaccinated that got it. | ||
| Where the fuck is this Barocca? | ||
| I want you to look at it, actually. | ||
| Tell me if it's good stuff. | ||
| The vitamins? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, can you look at what's in a Barocca? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever heard of that? | |
| You ever heard of Barocca? | ||
| This is Edinburgh Hangover Cure. | ||
| That's what they told me. | ||
| It's just full of fucking vitamins. | ||
| If you take two, your piss is neon. | ||
| My piss is always neon. | ||
| Yeah, you take those things. | ||
| I take vitamins every day. | ||
| It's a good idea. | ||
| I just don't do it. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| The one on the left. | ||
| Yeah, what's in that? | ||
| Barocca. | ||
| Vitamin A. It's effervescent. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Does that mean you put it in water? | ||
| Put it in water. | ||
| Hell of vitamin C. Thousand milligrams? | ||
| Eh, that's not that much. | ||
| You're not that much. | ||
| Thiamine? | ||
| Oh my god, how weird. | ||
| Sorry, I take it back. | ||
| This is your podcast. | ||
| B12? That's not a lot, dude. | ||
| There's not a lot of stuff in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| 10 milligrams of zinc? | ||
| B6? 10 milligrams? | ||
| What kind of bullshit is that? | ||
| It gets you better. | ||
| Where's the D? There's no D. So I would take this and a vitamin D during the height of everything. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And a 5,000 vitamin D. Oh, it's got a guarana. | ||
| It's got guarana in there, so it's got caffeine. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| 44 milligrams of caffeine. | ||
| It said like one coffee cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's to make you feel good. | ||
| That's what the caffeine does. | ||
| It tricks you. | ||
| Anyway, you're not hungover if you take that before and after. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Works? | ||
| Pops you right back up. | ||
| Have you tried like, is that better than like emergency or one of those things? | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Way better than emergency. | ||
| Not quite as good as that liquid IV stuff. | ||
| Liquid IV's the shit. | ||
| Liquid IV's great. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| But those barocas are like, and it's not really available here in pharmacies, but all over Europe and Thailand too and like other places you can just get them. | ||
| And it's just like one before you drink, one the next morning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's this stuff called Athletic Greens. | ||
| That's a good way to go, too, because it's so easy and it tastes good. | ||
| You just pour it into a glass of water and mix it up or a bottle of water, shake it up. | ||
| That's easy. | ||
| You ever drink that baby stuff? | ||
| Oh, um... | ||
| Pedialyte. | ||
| Pedialyte, yeah. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| But choke it down. | ||
| You're going to get fucking fucked up tonight. | ||
| Choke that shit down and feel better. | ||
| Just to hydrate your body? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a party, dude. | |
| Well, it's definitely good if people are really dehydrated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think you're supposed to take that and water. | ||
| I don't think you're supposed to take it pure. | ||
| No, Pedialyte? | ||
| You mix it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Or it comes bottled already. | ||
| It comes in a bottle. | ||
| So in the bottle one, you just drink that pure? | ||
| But you're supposed to choke it all down. | ||
| Before you do a lot of drugs or music festivals, that's when you're like... | ||
| So you super hydrate up before you do it. | ||
| You're gonna forget. | ||
| That's a good move, right? | ||
| Because, like, you don't wanna... | ||
| That's, like, the same thing they say about, like, hot yoga. | ||
| You don't wanna show up and then start drinking water. | ||
| You wanna have it standard. | ||
| Yeah, you wanna be hydrated before you ever get through the door. | ||
| In basketball, they say, like, drink water all through the day, so you should almost not have to drink during the game. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, but, like, no cramping and shit. | ||
| But, like, yeah, because you're not gonna remember. | ||
| You've done it where you're drinking, like, remember to drink a glass of water after every... | ||
| Drink, but you don't. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My buddy partied once with Jean-Claude Van Damme. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said Jean-Claude Van Damme brought a gallon of water with him. | ||
| And he would take a drink of his drink and then chug the water. | ||
| And he's like, whoa. | ||
| He goes, this guy's a fucking professional partier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he was a fit, you know, guy. | ||
| He was like this, like, you know, ripped, shredded guy who also wanted to party. | ||
| So he was taking care of his body and drinking at the same time. | ||
| Who the fuck does that? | ||
| It's the best when you wake up. | ||
| I'll be drinking with DeRosa or something. | ||
| And then the next day he's like, I feel terrible. | ||
| Because you didn't drink the water. | ||
| I feel fine. | ||
| And you feel like you've accomplished something. | ||
| Knowing they have had hangovers and you don't. | ||
| You look like you really happen when people suffer. | ||
| Their pain. | ||
| Their pain is my gain. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| That's really what hangovers are, right? | ||
| It's dehydrated. | ||
| It's the same feeling you get when you're severely dehydrated. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, your fucking head's hurting. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I need some water in me. | ||
| You can't even get to the fucking sink. | ||
| It's such a horrible feeling. | ||
| It's amazing that alcohol makes you feel like shit so bad and yet so many people drink it. | ||
| It's so good during it. | ||
| During it, it's wonderful. | ||
| You feel so happy. | ||
| Like last night, we were all at dinner, drinking wine, laughing, having so much fun. | ||
| Fun times. | ||
| Those comedian dinners are fucking fun. | ||
| I was with Shane the night before, and we left that show at the Vulcan Theater. | ||
| And I was like, all right, let's go back to Tim's place. | ||
| We stayed at Tim's place. | ||
| And I was like, well, let's fucking, let's go to a backyard bar around something, you know? | ||
| Let's do some Austin shit. | ||
| And he's like, no, I got Rogan tomorrow. | ||
| I was like, well, then fucking sit there and I'll drink. | ||
| But then, of course, he's like, well, let me have one or two. | ||
| And then I'm like, I'm just keep killing it. | ||
| You can't go for one or two. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Then it's like you're already there. | ||
| Especially what he drinks. | ||
| Bud Lights. | ||
| Yeah, you can keep going. | ||
| Those are ridiculous. | ||
| We drank a bunch of those yesterday. | ||
| He goes long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he can just stay. | ||
| He's also like a fucking big oaf, so it's like you can just keep pounding him down. | ||
| Well, he's got a strategy, too. | ||
| Like, his strategy is drink a low-alcohol beer and just drink them constantly. | ||
| We were talking yesterday about that's how people used to exist back in the day. | ||
| They drank beer all day. | ||
| Everybody did, even kids. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Little kids drank beer. | ||
| Yeah, you couldn't just drink water. | ||
| There was so much bad water back then. | ||
| Yeah, beer saved the world, right? | ||
| Yeah, literally. | ||
| Yeah, because the alcohol in beer and wine, it kept it from getting toxic. | ||
| It seems like that once you get beer in it, it doesn't give you the hydration anymore. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It just, the alcohol takes away some of it. | ||
| Alcohol is, it dehydrates you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Kids are drinking beer. | ||
| That's what they drank. | ||
| Everybody drank beer. | ||
| At one point in time, everybody drank beer or wine. | ||
| And they drank water when they can get it, like if you're drinking out of a nice stream or something like that. | ||
| It was like Waterworld. | ||
| So much stagnant water was fucking disgusting. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We live in great times. | ||
| We live in amazing times. | ||
| I love how angry everybody gets. | ||
| You're like, guys, it's a fucking kill it here. | ||
| It's so fucking fun. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| Well, I've said this before, I'll say it again. | ||
| Someone told me this, and it's a brilliant thing. | ||
| The worst thing that's ever happened to you is the worst thing that's ever happened to you, even if it's not that bad. | ||
| And that's the problem with everybody today. | ||
| Well, yeah, you're pointing it at, I have this much anger, this much happiness, so you point it to whatever it is. | ||
| And even also, the opposite happens, where if you're like, I mean, we'd see these houses in the Amazon and it was like, fuck, this is dank. | ||
| But you're like, hey, we got a new, you know, chicken. | ||
| Everyone's like still partying on the same level as you party when you get a Miata. | ||
| Yeah, that's their life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they shoot a monkey and they cook it and they're all happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, sweet! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, my friend Steve Rinella went to, I guess it was Guyana, and they hunted monkeys. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And they were eating monkeys, and he tried it. | ||
| He ate monkey. | ||
| He said it tasted like smoked turkey, the way they ate it. | ||
| But that was like their favorite meal. | ||
| They would kill all kinds of animals to stay alive. | ||
| I mean, they were a complete subsistence hunting. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to remember the name of the tribe. | ||
| I can't... | ||
| In East Timor, they told me, this guy told me, some fucking gay guy was hitting on me hard. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Still got it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I register as homo in East Timor for sure. | ||
| It was a few times. | ||
| I'm like, what am I putting out? | ||
| Yeah, what are you putting out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Too friendly. | ||
| But he was like, when I was a kid, we'd for sure hunt and eat monkey. | ||
| And then it became like out of favor. | ||
| Out of favor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Maybe a disease or something? | ||
| I forget what the fucking tribe is. | ||
| It's a cool name for the tribe. | ||
| But he spent multiple weeks there. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they hunted monkeys and different birds and some deer. | ||
| They hunted all kinds of things, but what they really liked was monkeys. | ||
| It was like their favorite thing to eat, which is really crazy. | ||
| Guinea pig. | ||
| I had that a lot. | ||
| David Cho said he went with the Hadza in Africa and they hunted baboons. | ||
| And he said when the arrow hits the baboons, they grab it. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Like a person went like, ah! | ||
| It's like, it's fucked. | ||
| They don't have any game left, because there's been so much poaching. | ||
| The painter. | ||
| The artist? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's cool. | ||
| He's got amazing photos. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's a wild, wild dude. | ||
| He's so interesting. | ||
| He's such a fucking intense person, and he just decided to, I mean, he's worth- Have some fun. | ||
| He's worth like a half a billion dollars or something crazy. | ||
| Is he the one that did the Facebook thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| He took it on like, Pay Me Later based on stocks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The startup? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'll just do a mural for you, whatever. | ||
| Some ungodly amount of money. | ||
| And you would never know. | ||
| No. | ||
| And he wouldn't have known then, this is going to turn into blood money. | ||
| When Facebook turned into the most evil corporation. | ||
| Turning brother against brother. | ||
| Fucking ruining everybody in society. | ||
| It's crazy what they are now. | ||
| It should be illegal. | ||
| Did you hear Jen Psaki, the White House press secretary, said today that if you're banned from one social media platform, you should be banned from all of them? | ||
| You should be banned from all of them. | ||
| Yes, and everybody's like, what the fuck? | ||
| Like, she's encouraging people to be banned from social media platforms? | ||
| Also, what if you're just banned from, like, posting a dick or something? | ||
| She's talking about it as disinformation, if you're banned for disinformation or misinformation. | ||
| Cut you out of the world. | ||
| Cut your ability. | ||
| All this talk scares the fuck out of me. | ||
| It is, because people are just using it to their benefit politically, and they don't understand this slippery slope. | ||
| Because if a Republican gets in power, and then they start doing that to liberals, you just don't understand. | ||
| You can't give anybody that kind of power. | ||
| And what happens when the disinformation turns out to be true? | ||
| Like this whole lab leak theory. | ||
| The lab leak theory, you would get banned from Facebook just 10 months ago. | ||
| The fucking, what's it called, medication? | ||
| Ivermectin? | ||
| No, the one Trump was saying. | ||
| Hydroxychloroquine? | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| And people are like, you're an idiot. | ||
| And people are like, actually, I think it's starting to work, right? | ||
| Or am I wrong on that? | ||
| I think there's some evidence that there's some benefit to hydroxychloroquine. | ||
| Yeah, and because he said it, you couldn't even- It's so hard to tell with these things. | ||
| Because things like hydroxychloroquine, and particularly ivermectin, they are generic items. | ||
| It means they've been around so long that anybody can make them. | ||
| So if you owned a pharmaceutical company, you could compound ivermectin and sell it. | ||
| Which is crazy. | ||
| I do, and I will. | ||
| You should. | ||
| And if you do that, you don't make much money because it's not that expensive because everybody can make it. | ||
| So this is like a problem when- For Pfizer. | ||
| For Pfizer. | ||
|
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|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Or for Moderna or whoever the fuck is making these things. | ||
| So if you're just- I'm not saying be cynical, but just be objective and understand that all of these companies, all of them, whether it's Pfizer or Moderna or Johnson& Johnson, they've all been in trouble for doing nefarious shit. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| You can Google it. | ||
| It's an obvious thing. | ||
| You can Google how many times Pfizer's been sued. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once you put money in there, it's like, then they're just incentivized. | ||
| You push the needle somewhat towards doing the wrong thing or telling a senator, like, come on. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Get rid of the... | ||
| They don't want you just drinking more water. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| How's that helping them? | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's no incentive to tell people, this is what you should take as far as a vitamin protocol. | ||
| This is what you should do as far as exercise. | ||
| Everybody needs this amount of sleep to optimize your immune system. | ||
| This is how you can get rid of stress. | ||
| The White House is going to give you a planned meditation session, and we'll lead you through this. | ||
| We're going to guide you through this meditation session, and it's going to help everybody relax. | ||
| No, they're not doing that. | ||
| They're telling you they're going to ban people from misinformation, and you should be banned from everything. | ||
| The social media gets you into an algorithm that gets you into looking at, let's just say it's false information. | ||
| It pushes you to seek out more and more of that false stuff, or like that side, or this side, or the right side, or the left side, or the upside. | ||
| Is that what Facebook does? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Different ones do different things, right? | ||
| Yeah, but they all, like, once you start searching something, it sees you're interested, pushes you further and further to that. | ||
| I always use your example of when you did that thing with puppies. | ||
| The puppies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That really worked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Spend a week, click on nothing but puppy videos. | ||
| Search some puppy videos to start with, then it'll give you whatever. | ||
| Somebody who uploads to YouTube for me, to my YouTube account, she uses my account. | ||
| She's putting it in there. | ||
| And she's like, why are there so many dog relaxation videos? | ||
| I'm like, oh, that's from a fucking bandit, man. | ||
| But now she's watching them, so now it's gone over to her YouTube. | ||
| It's just popping up by suggestions. | ||
| Do you want 15 hours of dog relaxation? | ||
| Dog relaxation? | ||
| It's when they have, like, fireworks. | ||
| You gotta drown it out. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| The fireworks. | ||
| Oh, for dogs? | ||
| So we're having a great time. | ||
| A great time. | ||
| And then one M80 or whatever goes off. | ||
| Ten blocks away. | ||
| Their tail goes down. | ||
| They start shivering. | ||
| Imagine what that must sound like to them. | ||
| They don't know what it is. | ||
| Giant ass ears. | ||
| Yeah, they don't know what it is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it also must hurt. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| They have giant ears. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They can hear so much shit that you can never hear. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So, it must be deafening for them. | ||
| That's why I've always wondered, like, when hunting dogs, when they take dogs out, like, hunting birds and shit, and the dogs are out in the field, and they're just shooting shotguns off, like, what is that dog doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Muffle that shit. | ||
| When I went with Bourdain, we went pigeon hunting, or not pigeon hunting, pheasant hunting, and he shot at one too close to my head. | ||
| Like, I was right here, and he shot at one, like, right there, bang! | ||
| And I didn't know he was doing that, and it was like, oh, fuck! | ||
| Yeah, damage. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| It's loud. | ||
| A 12-gauge shotgun or whatever it was. | ||
| I think it was a 12-gauge. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Like, I didn't know he was going to do that. | ||
| I should have had ears on. | ||
| I should have had, like, you know, like... | ||
| Plugs? | ||
| No, well, they have these things that allow you to hear everything outside, but when it hits a certain decibel, it cuts off. | ||
| Whoa, really? | ||
| Yeah, you take them to the gun range. | ||
| Like, I wear them at the gun range. | ||
| They look like these, but they have, like, a switch on them. | ||
| And I turn the switch. | ||
| I can turn the volume up or down. | ||
| I can actually make it so that I can hear better. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, I can hear better. | ||
| I can hear things that I could never hear without them. | ||
| And then when the gun goes off, you hear it very low. | ||
| It cuts it off to a very low amount of decibels. | ||
| So it's totally tolerable. | ||
| I remember at concerts now, and they'll have places like Webster Hall. | ||
| You just go to the bar for two bucks, you can get earplugs. | ||
| I think they might all have them now, but you forget you have them in, you really shove them in there. | ||
| And then when you come outside afterwards, you're still talking normal, and you pull it out, and you're just like, fuck, so many more levels. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that concerts are so loud you have to have earplugs? | ||
| Like, why are they doing that? | ||
| You just sit up there. | ||
| Sit up there with a guitar. | ||
| You ever go to Ireland, and they're just like, a guy playing, you can barely hear it, two tables over. | ||
| And you're like, this is It's lovely. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| But those guys all go to death. | ||
| Like the lead singer from ACDC, he can't even fucking perform anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| His ears are so fucked. | ||
| His head's so fucked. | ||
| Like, it blows their ears apart. | ||
| You know how you get in someone's car and they got shitty old speakers? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's this guy's head. | ||
| His speakers are blown. | ||
| Like, his internal ears are blown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It happens to all of them. | ||
| And for what? | ||
| Some jock rock? | ||
| ACDC? How dare you? | ||
| I'll stay with it. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I'll stick with it. | ||
| Fuckin' jock rock. | ||
|
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|
It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll. | |
| You say that with your knee, I'm a nerd. | ||
| They got some good fuckin' songs. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They got some good fuckin' songs. | ||
| It's interesting that their music is so distinct. | ||
| Like, if you hear a song... | ||
| It's his voice. | ||
| And the guitar. | ||
| Yeah, the guitar. | ||
| Yeah, I love when you can hear a band just from the setup. | ||
| And you're like, oh, that sounds like a new whatever. | ||
| That sounds like new Black Keys. | ||
| That sounds like new whatever. | ||
| And you're like, yep. | ||
| You're just like, how? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Black Keys, they have that quality, for sure. | ||
| They have that, like... | ||
| But their music varies so much. | ||
| They do so much experimenting, you know? | ||
| They have... | ||
| So many of their albums have, like, a very distinctive flavor. | ||
| Like, some of it's, like, real old-school blues sounding. | ||
| For sure it's based on that. | ||
| Some of it's more experimental, you know? | ||
| Gold on the ceiling and that kind of shit, you know? | ||
| That's still the bluesy stuff. | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| Gold on the ceiling. | ||
| They have so many good songs, man. | ||
| Those guys, I mean, if you want just like a can't miss band, I've never listened to a bad Black Key song. | ||
| Me and Jason in Ottawa, playing at a festival, they had to wait for so long because it was heavy, heavy winds, high winds. | ||
| It was like, I think it had destroyed a tent the day before somewhere. | ||
| And we kept looking at them, and one of the big clamps swung free and was just this massive, like... | ||
| Like an S-hook, this big, just swinging. | ||
| - Oh Jesus Christ. - They had to get it. | ||
| Yeah, and we were in the artist area. | ||
| I didn't know, this was one of my first festivals, Ottawa Blues Fest, but Jay went on the road with like, on the Korn tour and stuff. | ||
| So he knows we can go to the sound booth, and I'm like, that's just for artists. | ||
| He goes, we're artists. | ||
| I'm like, but they'll know we're not. | ||
| He goes, it's not that we're not, we are. | ||
| Just because we were doing comedy, we're artists in this festival. | ||
| I'm like, that doesn't make sense. | ||
| We went on stage. | ||
| He had it right. | ||
| But I saw them at Kraft Food and stuff, and I was like, you guys gonna go on? | ||
| It was like 20 minutes later after they're supposed to, and they just kind of looked, and then they didn't know me, but I was like, you can just say you don't know yet. | ||
| But eventually I did, and he got us in between Like, where the guys have to throw the mosh pitters back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He got us in that area. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, we're just watching it from like eight feet away. | ||
| As close as that fucking mushroom is. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, and we're just like, this is fucking cool. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's just the two of them. | ||
| Or it was then, anyway. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those guys are dope. | ||
| I've had them in, too. | ||
| They're cool people. | ||
| You've had them in? | ||
| A couple times, yeah. | ||
| Music videos are cool, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're cool as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, there's some music like that. | ||
| What, Jamie? | ||
| The reason why it's sound is not that loud. | ||
| I kind of knew the answer to this, so I was trying to pull up the answer. | ||
| When the Beatles played Shea Stadium in the 60s, the PA systems at that time weren't even loud enough to get louder than the crowd. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| According to this article, it says they stopped, not for that reason, but they stopped touring a year after that show. | ||
| Because what? | ||
| They couldn't handle what they were putting out? | ||
| Correct. | ||
| The PA systems couldn't get loud enough to play the venues that they were doing. | ||
| That's when they stopped? | ||
| Because they were playing such big venues that we should be in a small club. | ||
| Then in the 70s, touring sound systems became a thing. | ||
| That's sort of when DJs became a big thing. | ||
| And they could play parties out on the street corner and stuff. | ||
| There's a crowd of 42,000 screaming girls and they completely drowned out the PA system. | ||
| It's estimated the noise coming from the crowd was 135 decibels, more than double the output coming from the Beatles sound equipment. | ||
| Double what the Beatles were doing. | ||
| Double them screaming chicks. | ||
| Yes, then you had to get the science of putting amplifiers out into the crowd and doing the mass so that it's not echoing in the wrong way and feedback. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That became a science of its own. | ||
| It is a science. | ||
| When you're leaving the main stage at a festival going to the side stage and it gets softer and softer, then you hear nothing, then you hear the other stage louder and louder. | ||
| It's really interesting how it just stops at a certain place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then sometimes you can hear both right in the middle for a second. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy, those people. | ||
| They do a great job. | ||
| Yeah, it's an expert thing too, right? | ||
| Because some venues are better at echoing sound. | ||
| They're better at how they've got it set up. | ||
| They sound better. | ||
| Same thing with comedy too. | ||
| The worst thing is when you go to a comedy place and the volume's not loud enough. | ||
| The outdoor stuff is so shitty. | ||
| Oh, outdoor stuff. | ||
| And we all got used to it because it got taken away from us completely, right? | ||
| So then we were like, fuck, there's no comedy. | ||
| And then it's like, hey, I didn't do the Zoom shows. | ||
| I'm assuming you didn't either. | ||
| No. | ||
| But then it's like, hey, there's some comedy. | ||
| There's a front patio there. | ||
| Even though we all agreed outdoor sucks, but we're like, hey, this is so much better than no comedy. | ||
| They're still doing outdoor, the improv on Melrose, huh? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, they were showing on their Instagram. | ||
| They had outdoor comedy shows in that little parking lot area. | ||
| So a lot of them, I think, the stand is doing the same thing in New York where they're like, well, we built this thing. | ||
| We can go back inside, but why don't we run two shows? | ||
| Right. | ||
| If we're sold out, why don't we run... | ||
| Oh, just real quick. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Audience, every comedy club in the country is searching for help. | ||
| They are having trouble opening. | ||
| The Denver Comedy Works specifically, but Magoo, all of them, they cannot find help because of unemployment, because of whatever, part-time work. | ||
| If you've ever wanted to work at a comedy club... | ||
| Now's your time. | ||
| Just go in there and get an application. | ||
| They are massively searching for work. | ||
| I know Denver is. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| So many. | ||
| I've talked to all of them. | ||
| I share information. | ||
| I'm like, you guys are all in the same boat. | ||
| Cooks, especially. | ||
| Wait staff. | ||
| Door guys. | ||
| If you hear us talking about how fun it is to work at a comedy club, it is fun. | ||
| Not just a comedy store. | ||
| Across the country. | ||
| Go in, get an application, and be part of some fun shit. | ||
| The pay is pretty good. | ||
| Does the store have a problem, too? | ||
| Does the store have a problem getting people to wait stuff? | ||
| I have a vague memory of maybe. | ||
| My friend who owns a restaurant was saying that it's hard to get people, or it was up until recently, because they were still getting unemployment, and they didn't want to come back to work. | ||
| And also, comedy clubs is Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| You're not talking about full-time work. | ||
| You're giving up the 300 bonus for 10 hours of work a week. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you're looking, that's the spot. | ||
| Anyway, all right, that's my PSA. It's interesting, isn't it? | ||
| I mean, I'm not exactly sure what I'm talking about here, so I might be wrong, but there's people that were making a pretty decent living. | ||
| Like, they were surviving with unemployment and plus the new checks, right? | ||
| What are they getting now? | ||
| Oh, well, dude, when the Trump 600 kicked in, that's why New York was a party town. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Well, everybody hated Trump there more than anywhere. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It was such a bubble. | ||
| Right. | ||
| L.A. That's L.A. too. | ||
| But that's why people look for villains around them. | ||
| But I'm like, guys, none of us are. | ||
| We're all like super liberal. | ||
| So if someone's like slightly less liberal, then you're like, it's you! | ||
|
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|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like because at that same strife you need. | ||
| So you just look for villains. | ||
| I'm like, guys, we're all on the right side. | ||
| Who's looking for villains? | ||
| The people who have the anger. | ||
| Those people. | ||
| Do you remember when... | ||
| Maybe you don't remember. | ||
| Maybe you were there. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What? | ||
| Nerd rage. | ||
| Nerd rage. | ||
| But gay marriage was legal in California for a little while. | ||
| And then some judge was like, hey, this is retarded. | ||
| We're not doing this anymore. | ||
| You're allowed to get married. | ||
| And then someone challenged it, and then the high court was like, hey, we'll put it on hold until we can go to the voters. | ||
| So it wasn't like they hadn't quite yet gotten married. | ||
| They got it, and they pulled it away. | ||
| And thousands of gays marched down sunset. | ||
| And it was pretty much with their sign saying, like, what the fuck? | ||
| Wasn't that Proposition 8? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was where I came up with that bit about the Mormons. | ||
| What was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one was it? | |
| Because Mormons were one of the people that donated. | ||
| It's one of the groups that donated a large sum of money to stop gay marriage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And my joke was, if someone could talk to me in a Mormon, they could probably talk to me in a second. | ||
| Sorry, I remember that one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But anyway, then they got it, right? | ||
| They got their gay marriage. | ||
| But the rage stayed, and they got to put it somewhere. | ||
| The rage stayed? | ||
| Yeah, people didn't suddenly get, sweet, we're done, let's all be happy. | ||
| Do you think that's really what it's from? | ||
| No. | ||
| The rage everyone has inside them is the same. | ||
| So if you don't have a Vietnam to protest, I'll point that to somewhere. | ||
| Right, the rage remains at a steady level. | ||
| But a lot of it is like, it's really misplaced anger at various things that have happened to you in your life. | ||
| In your own fucking life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let me point instead of looking inwards. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Almost always. | ||
| But, um, what were we talking about? | ||
| Oh, yeah, so he got that $600 from Trump, and for the first time, everybody in New York was like, I mean, I don't know, I hate that, but let's get a drink. | ||
| People got raises. | ||
| People were out of work and had like $100 a week more than they had before. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was sweet. | ||
| And nowhere to be. | ||
| I wonder if he'd figured out a way to give people $2,000 and really did that on a regular basis if he would have got re-elected. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know how they always, like, gas prices come down before an election so that they'll have, like, better feelings about the president? | ||
| Not before Obama got into office. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| It stayed high? | ||
| No. | ||
| They raised the fuck out of it right before. | ||
| And people were like, this is so goddamn transparent. | ||
| It was like the last few weeks of the Bush administration, they fucking jacked the price of gas up. | ||
| Wait, before the election or after? | ||
| After the election was over, Bush was out, and they knew they were out, so Obama was coming in, and they just jacked the fucking price of gas up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're like, well, you know, the negotiations and the pipeline and this and that. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They always blame me on something. | ||
| Okay, sure. | ||
| That happened with the vaccine, too. | ||
| Like, it was like... | ||
| Four days after the election, like, hey, we got the vaccine. | ||
| And everyone's like, there's no way they'd hold back the vaccine. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, but you might hold back announcing it. | ||
| Very fishy. | ||
| At least own up to the fact that it's fishy as fuck. | ||
| It seems fishy. | ||
| It was like election on Tuesday and by Saturday they were like, hey, it's over. | ||
| Way more fishy was they waited a few months and then they go, you know, this lab leak theory actually has some legs. | ||
| This actually could be real. | ||
| Really probably did come from a lab in China. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| Does it matter about research? | ||
| Is that the difference? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Gain-of-function research, which Fauci funded. | ||
| The World Health Organization, they were all giving out bad information in the beginning about this. | ||
| Does that mean gain-of-function? | ||
| Gain of function is they take a virus and they try to make the virus more deadly to understand it. | ||
| They try to make it more infectious. | ||
| They try to add things to it. | ||
| They do this stuff where they juice up a virus and it's very dangerous research. | ||
| And according to Josh Rogan from the Washington Post who was here, he explained it all to me and explained how Fauci was the guy that restarted all this shit. | ||
| During the Obama administration, they put the kibosh on that. | ||
| They're like, it's too dangerous. | ||
| And Josh Rogan's take on it was that during the Trump administration, it was so chaotic that Fauci got to restart it again. | ||
| They did it through a second organization that was run by this guy, Peter Datzik. | ||
| And he's one of the ones that has been saying, there is no way this came from a lab. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Then the Fauci emails got leaked through the Freedom of Information Act. | ||
| And in those, it's very clear that they were very concerned that it came from the lab. | ||
| So they're pretending there's no evidence that it came from a lab. | ||
| In fact, there's a lot of evidence. | ||
| And in fact, there was three people that worked in that lab in November of 2019 who got really sick and one of them died, one of them's wife died rather, from coronavirus-like symptoms. | ||
| So these were probably the first people that got hit with it. | ||
| There was a lot of evidence that it came out of that lab. | ||
| I had a cough in like January of 2019 that just wouldn't go away. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And it was before... | ||
| I'm not saying... | ||
| I have no idea, but like... | ||
| Did you ever get tested for antibodies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It was before it came, right? | ||
| We didn't know what corona was yet. | ||
| We heard about it in China. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I talked to... | ||
| I was skiing in Park City in like early March, talking to somebody. | ||
| I got a ski lift with this woman from Hong Kong. | ||
| I was like, how's the revolution going? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| You got it from her. | ||
| No, this was after that anyway. | ||
| The lady was coughing on you. | ||
| And she goes, nobody's cared about the revolution anymore because they're worried about this corona thing. | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, is that like a real, do you think that's a real thing? | ||
| Like it was early, you know? | ||
| But this is a month and a half before that, that I just coughed. | ||
| Went to the doctor, said this cough won't, I don't know, it's bronchitis or what, won't go away. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, you and everybody else, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Damn. | ||
| Well, you already got the vaccine. | ||
| That would have been a year and a half later. | ||
| But I'm saying it would show your antibodies from the vaccine if we gave you an antibody test. | ||
| Right now, it wouldn't matter. | ||
| I wish I got to you before that. | ||
| By the time I was back in New York and July or August got tested for the vaccines, got antibodies, it would have been... | ||
| Five, six months later. | ||
| Jamie's got antibodies from nine months out. | ||
| I know, but he's a superhuman. | ||
|
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|
He's a freak. | |
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at him over there. | ||
| With his ponytail. | ||
| Keeps him fucking clear of anything. | ||
| The nurse keeps freaking out. | ||
| She's like, I can't believe it because he keeps getting tested every few months. | ||
| It's called swooning because he's stunning. | ||
| Strong antibodies. | ||
| Strong. | ||
| He comes in with fat, thick lines. | ||
| I don't want to talk about COVID. Yeah, it's a very tired subject, that's for sure. | ||
| So you were doing the outside shows, and is New York doing full inside shows now? | ||
| Full inside. | ||
| Some places maybe still going a little spaced out, but... | ||
| Not really? | ||
| I think they were going by what the city was allowing at first, so they had two rules. | ||
| One at first was like, you can be spaced out six feet, or full vaccine and shove them all in. | ||
| So the seller was like, yeah, we're What are they going to do now that people are getting it even though they've been vaccinated? | ||
| Because there's quite a few people. | ||
| Like I said, I have two friends that have gotten it. | ||
| I think if they're getting it and not getting sick, then they're going to still be like... | ||
| No, they're sick. | ||
| But then I don't know. | ||
| They're sick. | ||
| I don't believe anything anymore. | ||
| It's hard to believe it. | ||
| Because one of the things from Los Angeles, they were saying that all these bad cases are people who are unvaccinated. | ||
| And then some doctors were challenging that. | ||
| And they were saying, well, that's not true. | ||
| There's a lot of my own patients that have been vaccinated that were really sick. | ||
| And people have died that have been vaccinated. | ||
| So it's... | ||
| I don't trust the news anymore at all. | ||
| The thing is, it's not... | ||
| It's not perfect. | ||
| If you have a really compromised immune system and your body is beaten up and you've been vaccinated, you still have a really compromised immune system. | ||
| You still have a body that's been beaten up. | ||
| If you've got a bunch of comorbidities and you're also vaccinated, you're probably still fucked, right? | ||
| If you're morbidly obese and you're still vaccinated, it's not that magically protected. | ||
| If you catch a cold, you're fucked. | ||
| You're fucked, yeah. | ||
| Not that fucked, but you know. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Yeah, Ralphie didn't catch anything to die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It was a shock he was living that long. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| We were always shocked, right? | ||
| I saw him at Bonnaroo Music Festival, next to a stage, on a chair, just asleep, next to a band fucking, with all those amps, better than the Beatles had. | ||
| He's out cold. | ||
| Because he had a Snickers or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| He's just diabetic, fucking. | ||
| Snickers just put him out? | ||
| I heard Patrice was the same way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Eat two candy bars, and then 30 minutes later, back up. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Like, overwhelming your body. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I was talking to my friend at the House of Comedy, and we were talking about Patrice right when it happened. | ||
| And we were like, oh my god. | ||
| And I was like, can you believe it? | ||
| And she was like, oh no. | ||
| And we were both like, oh, yeah. | ||
| Of course you can believe it. | ||
| An angry, fat black man, yeah, could have heart disease. | ||
| Diabetes. | ||
| He had diabetes. | ||
| And he didn't care, like, as far as what he ate. | ||
| He ate what he wanted to eat. | ||
| You know, Patrice didn't give a fuck about anything. | ||
| That's why I want to live with this COVID thing. | ||
| I just don't want to think about it. | ||
| It's not bad, but you should, you know, you should just protect yourself with vitamins. | ||
| I eat salads. | ||
| I eat pretty healthy. | ||
| Compared to a comic dude, I'm pretty healthy. | ||
| That's wonderful. | ||
| Salads are good. | ||
| But salads... | ||
| Full stop. | ||
| Full stop. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Point made. | ||
| Don't have a lot of vitamins in them. | ||
| And you also don't get any vitamin D from salads. | ||
| Joe, you have all these tips. | ||
| You need to talk to a normal person. | ||
| Forget the IV drips. | ||
| Like I told you yesterday... | ||
| Normal person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| What alcohols can we drink to get the most vaccines possible? | ||
| Who the fuck was telling us that whiskey is actually pretty good for you? | ||
| Who was saying that? | ||
| Someone was saying that whiskey has... | ||
| It was some sort of... | ||
| Whiskey promoter? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was what... | ||
| Jimmy Laphroaig? | ||
| Not resveratrol. | ||
| Maybe it was not resveratrol, but another kind of antioxidant. | ||
| Polyphenols. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Polyphenols. | ||
| Remember when they were saying weed might stop COVID for a little bit? | ||
| And people were like, smoke all day... | ||
| And they were like, no, no. | ||
| It said some types of CBDs might help. | ||
| And they were like, smoke all weed. | ||
| Whiskey has high levels of polyphenols, plant-based antioxidants linked to lowering your risk of heart disease. | ||
| The polyphenols in whiskey have been shown to decrease bad cholesterol, LDL, and increase good cholesterol, HDL levels, and reduce triglycerides or fat in your blood. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, Joe. | ||
| This is how you stay accessible and do your fucking advice shit. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You gotta do it into our normal lives. | ||
| Health benefits of whiskey. | ||
| Normal lives. | ||
| What foods can we eat? | ||
| We're already gluttonous. | ||
| You gotta say, like, this is our experience. | ||
| How can we guide that? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I gained a lot of weight in Thailand, my first, like, trip to... | ||
| Me and Mark Tyler, all that shit. | ||
| And then I was gaining weight and I'm like, fuck, I'm more active or whatever. | ||
| And my friend was like, Chang weight. | ||
| It's beer weight. | ||
| And I was like, ah, I gotta quit drinking. | ||
| And she's like, hold it right there. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| You gotta switch to gin and tonics. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You gotta give advice based on what their lifestyle is. | ||
| Did you do that? | ||
| Yeah, and I lost a shitload of weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That grain weight from that beer. | ||
| Yeah, it's just like... | ||
| Heavy calories. | ||
| I like a stout beer, too. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| I like a fucking heavy beer. | ||
| That's gonna weigh you down. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| Thick foam. | ||
| I like a real beer. | ||
| I got Guinness. | ||
| A cold Guinness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that. | |
| That coffee taste to it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I like an amber ale, too. | ||
| Like a nice dark ale. | ||
| Like a brown. | ||
| This is a lot of crazy little craft places out here. | ||
| I had this beer that tasted like kombucha the other day. | ||
| I was like, this is wild. | ||
| It's like kombucha type beer. | ||
| We still have that shit in the fridge? | ||
| That stuff from Form? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just had the look that Mitzi always had. | ||
| When she had an employee, he was like, I don't want to get it. | ||
| So he's like, thinking of a way out of it. | ||
| And then he's like, no, I'll go get it. | ||
| We had Phil Demers. | ||
| He's the guy who's been running this lawsuit against Marineland. | ||
| He used to be an Orca trainer. | ||
| Shamusha? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's horrible over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Horrible. | |
| Phil's been on a bunch of times. | ||
| I try to help him get that message out. | ||
| But he brought his friend who... | ||
| He has something to do with this company. | ||
| Whether he owns it or he's part of it or maybe his friend owns it. | ||
| I wish I remember, but I don't. | ||
| But they brought this really cool fucking beer. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| It was like no beer I've ever had before. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| The sours are really good and interesting. | ||
| But this didn't taste like regular beer, but it was delicious. | ||
| It was like very good tasting. | ||
| Yeah, IPAs suck dick. | ||
| You don't like IPAs? | ||
| No, they're garbage. | ||
| They're trash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then I've done research. | ||
| But I like them. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now what happens? | |
| That makes sense. | ||
| You have no taste. | ||
| You have a lack of taste. | ||
| So if it makes sense, you would. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I drink ACDC and I listen to ACDC and I drink IPAs. | |
| Put on your dumb fanny pack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Pull out your IPAs and your fanny pack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull out my fanny pack and my IPA. With these headphones in public. | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and a cut-off t-shirt. | ||
| Cut-off sleeves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, get your hyper color. | ||
| We need to get you some hyper color shit. | ||
| I think my wife threw away my tank tops. | ||
| What? | ||
| I think she did. | ||
| I don't even have any. | ||
| I'm trying to find tank tops. | ||
| How dare she? | ||
| Yeah, she doesn't like me wearing tank tops. | ||
| Why? | ||
| She thinks they're trash. | ||
| She's not wrong. | ||
| Trash people wear tank tops. | ||
| Oh, your wife is, I've met her, far classier than you. | ||
| I don't know why she's with you. | ||
| She must be embarrassed every time. | ||
| PTA meetings, she was like, come on, Joseph. | ||
| One of her friends said, you let him wear the fanny pack? | ||
| She said that to her. | ||
| You let him wear the fanny pack? | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| That's my favorite thing about marriage. | ||
| Am I allowed? | ||
| Will you let him? | ||
| I'm like, what are we talking? | ||
| Are you a warden? | ||
| What are we saying here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Let me. | ||
| That is what it's like. | ||
| It's like a parole officer. | ||
| Like, where are you going? | ||
| What time are you going to be home? | ||
| Are you going to check in? | ||
| Check in with your officer here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can be embarrassed by my behavior, but you can't stop me. | ||
| I need you to piss in this cup. | ||
| Imagine if your wife gave you a drug test. | ||
| She didn't believe you would. | ||
| Ari, you got to stop smoking pot. | ||
| We have a family now. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| I've met people like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And the thing is, they met as party people. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then one can't anymore, so they're like, no, you can't either. | ||
| Well, it's not even just that one can't anymore. | ||
| There are some people, whether it's men or women, because there's both, who they pretend they're really into something until they get close, and then they slowly start to... | ||
| Are these cold at all? | ||
| These are cold, but I don't think that's what you... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, that's the shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's 100% it. | ||
| Can you get us some glasses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Haha, you have to do more work. | |
| Earn your salary. | ||
| Haha, fuck off. | ||
| He's not here. | ||
| But there's something that he could hear it out there. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| I remember that before. | ||
| I was talking about somebody. | ||
| No, there's a fucking giant screen out in the lobby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| They can hear everything. | ||
| And I just outed them out of the closet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| I should have done it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| Oh no! | ||
| But when you get into the relationship, they pretend they like certain things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you get deep in the relationship, and then all that shit's gone. | ||
| I have no interest in this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And there's some, like, I used to be in it. | ||
| I'm not into it anymore. | ||
| I was like, sure, sure. | ||
| It's not worth talking about. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Have you ever had a friend like that where you're like, hey, you want to go see this movie? | ||
| I'm like, let me check in and see if I can. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| Oh yeah, they have to check in. | ||
| Oh, they're all good, man. | ||
| Just crack that one. | ||
| Crack that one. | ||
| They're pretty easy. | ||
| Give it to me. | ||
| No way. | ||
| It's not a twist-off. | ||
| No, it's not a twist-off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Can you let me cut my hand open? | ||
| Is it a twist-off? | ||
| Remember when you said it would be so easy and then it wasn't so easy for you? | ||
| Oh, it's twisting. | ||
| But Joe, do you remember when you were like, just give it to me and give me nothing? | ||
| Oh, it's a cork, Jamie. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Hey, Jamie. | ||
| Hey, Jamie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| I was trying to remember. | ||
| Get out there, dork. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy is so mean. | |
| What's that? | ||
| I believe so, yes. | ||
| A bottle opener? | ||
| You'd have to have a bottle opener. | ||
| Yeah, we have to. | ||
| We opened these before. | ||
| It's not a bottle opener. | ||
| It's a cork. | ||
| We need a screw. | ||
| Yeah, a corkscrew. | ||
| Pretty sure we have one. | ||
| Bottle of wine opener. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's good. | ||
| It's going to be worth it when it's all done. | ||
| And this is from, I believe this is from Form. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Company? | ||
| Yeah, a company that makes this stuff. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I mean, it's like some of my favorites. | ||
| Yeah, there's this forum right here. | ||
| You must get sent hella shit, huh? | ||
| Yeah, hella shit. | ||
| A lot of whiskey. | ||
| I got a lot of whiskey from a bunch of different companies. | ||
| Who was doing it, the one of the Vulcan? | ||
| He was like, I'll send you some stuff. | ||
| I was like, that's cool. | ||
| Whistlepig? | ||
| Whistlepig. | ||
| Good shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Whistlepig's fucking legit. | ||
| That's very good. | ||
| You used to have these piles of dumb MMA shirts at your old place before the podcast. | ||
| And I was like, hey, can I have one? | ||
| You were like, take whatever you want. | ||
| They're going straight to goodwill without being unfolded. | ||
| That was the early days of MMA. Everybody wanted to make a t-shirt that had like a pit bull fucking a dragon in the ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was always like, yeah, I'm the hardest with the fucking hard. | ||
| Last to die, first to live. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like, some people are grapplers, some people are strikers. | ||
| I'm both. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All caps. | ||
| The one I wanted to make was Jesus on a cross, like that, and it goes, Jesus never tapped. | ||
| Give me that. | ||
| I thought it'd be cool. | ||
| I think that exists. | ||
| Hell yes. | ||
| Whoever did that, you're a genius. | ||
| I do think that exists. | ||
| Jesus never tapped. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| See if you can find that, Jamie. | ||
| He was ruled out. | ||
| Jesus never tapped. | ||
| This has to be, right? | ||
| I'm very sure someone, and I think they were serious. | ||
| It's from the Christians. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Jesus never tapped out. | ||
| Yes, Christians! | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| Keep performing for us. | ||
| See that one with the red and white, the baseball jersey looking one? | ||
| Please order me that. | ||
| Jesus never tapped. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Order me that in a large. | ||
| Jesus never tapped out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Please get me that. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Jesus never tapped out. | ||
| Super important. | ||
| Just be tapped. | ||
| Jesus never tapped out. | ||
| Told you. | ||
| It's like there's a hundred of those out there. | ||
| And they're also stealing the fucking logo from Tap Out with that design. | ||
| That was just a fucking copyright. | ||
| Jesus didn't have copyright laws either. | ||
| You got a lot of foam in here, but you get the point. | ||
| Let's try this. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Cheers, bro. | ||
| He didn't even get any. | ||
| Look at that ground and pound seven days a week. | ||
| Jesus is killing the devil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Somebody made me a tour poster. | ||
| This is good? | ||
| This is good. | ||
| This is sour, which is nice. | ||
| It's like an interesting flavor, right? | ||
| Somebody made me a tour poster? | ||
| I've had my fans make them. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen them. | ||
| I've seen them. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Go to Ari's Instagram page. | ||
| He's got these fan-made tour posters. | ||
| They're fucking hilarious. | ||
| They make me laugh so much. | ||
| Wrong side of history tour. | ||
| Do you have a name for your tour? | ||
| No, I said I don't have a name yet. | ||
| If you guys want to come up with a name, you're more than welcome to. | ||
| I like the wrong side of history. | ||
| That one I'm kind of leaning towards. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That one keeps getting me. | ||
| I like that, and I like that picture that they used too. | ||
| Jim Jones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I'm the leader of it. | ||
| What else you got? | ||
| Stop the Steal Tour. | ||
| You with the MAGA hat. | ||
| Look what it says under me. | ||
| Joe Biden didn't win the 2020 election. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| This is what I actually believe. | ||
| And I'm just like honor bound to be like, if you make something that makes me laugh, I'll fucking put it up. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| And you just tag them. | ||
| Yeah, I tag him and was like, that's fucking awful. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Suck my own dick to her. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| The 16 city solution to her. | ||
| I've had a few taken down by Instagram. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| What'd they say? | ||
| Go fly a kike. | ||
| They're like, hate speech. | ||
| The haul lol cost. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| And this one stayed up, the Suck My Own Dick Tour. | ||
| The Sucking My Own Dick Tour is coming to a town near you. | ||
| It's you. | ||
| How come that's okay? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess there's no real nudity? | ||
| Yeah, there's no real dick. | ||
| The dick is blurred out, I guess? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| Or your dick is so small that you can't suck it from that position? | ||
| Is that... | ||
| And they'll send me some. | ||
| This one was the Jesus fucking Christ tour. | ||
| And it was just, Jesus fucking another Jesus. | ||
| One was like, I've got herpes tour. | ||
| And it was a full cock with herpes scars of my face. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I'm like, I can't put this on Instagram. | ||
| I put it on my Patreon. | ||
| But anyone's is like, too much. | ||
| But Instagram... | ||
| It is... | ||
| Ari Shafir's I Love Jesus and Jesus Loves Me Tour. | ||
| Look at the face of you! | ||
| Coming to Long Island. | ||
| Jesus is begging you. | ||
| And who is that in the picture? | ||
| The girl, though. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| The girl that put Ari's face. | ||
| It's a strange look. | ||
| It's like a cartoony nun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like anime or some shit. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Someone added that already on top. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| I'm having so much fun with it. | ||
| I'll walk to the dog park and I'll just start laughing in public. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of funny dudes out there that don't get a chance to be funny. | ||
| They're not comics, but they really have a great sense of humor. | ||
| And I'm like, do whatever, man. | ||
| If it's funny. | ||
| Oh, writing Joe Rogan's coattails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some of them, they're like, this fucking hurt, dude. | |
| I'm like, damn it. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| There's a lot of funny dudes out there, man. | ||
| Especially when you're talking about the internet is funnier than any comedian. | ||
| It's the version of 10,000 monkeys sitting in typewriters putting out the world's greatest novel. | ||
| The internet is that with humor. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| And it's also like frustrated people that work shitty jobs and they have time because no one's looking. | ||
| And so they're in their cubicle and they're looking around and they're just like, oh my god. | ||
| Noticing. | ||
| Just making this Ari Jaffir thing instead of working. | ||
| What are you doing, Johnson? | ||
| It's giving something fun to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so many people that have so much wasted time at work. | ||
| Unless your work monitors what you're doing on your computer every day. | ||
| Some of them do. | ||
| Some of them do, but some of them don't. | ||
| Some of them let you bring your own computer from home, and if you're bringing your own laptop, you ain't getting shit done. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| You know what I'm really loving about COVID? What? | ||
| The death. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The people are reanalyzing what they want out of their lives. | ||
| It was a moment of clarity of like, I'm not going anywhere for a minute, and I have time to think. | ||
| You know, which people don't really get. | ||
| We don't, as comics, we're on the road unpacking, repacking, unpacking, repacking. | ||
| And then you never stop. | ||
| You're like, how much do I want to be on the road? | ||
| Everybody's whole experience, same sort of shit, you know? | ||
| How much do I want to be a doctor? | ||
| How much do I want to go to work? | ||
| And now people are like, what's a 40-hour work week? | ||
| When was that started? | ||
| Yeah, what is that horseshit? | ||
| Way before the internet. | ||
| When did that start? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so people are now going like, can I do two days a week? | ||
| Can I do five hours a day? | ||
| Like, why do we have to do this? | ||
| I know a few people that got lucky enough to have been home with their newborn child for this. | ||
| Couldn't have hit it at a better time. | ||
| They got to be there for the first few years. | ||
| Um... | ||
| And so it's like, what an opportunity, you know? | ||
| And they're like, why am I going back to work? | ||
| It also gets you in this position where when you're looking at your life and you're looking at your future and you realize your job can just get taken away like that, right? | ||
| If you're working at a restaurant or if you're working at a comedy club or somewhere where they just killed the business. | ||
| And you're sitting there going, okay, I didn't like this job anyway, and now it can all be taken away from me because I need my own thing. | ||
| I don't want to work for anybody anymore because so many companies went under during this COVID period. | ||
| A lot of people started their own businesses. | ||
| I think it's awesome. | ||
| A lot of girls started showing their cooter. | ||
| Oh, OnlyFans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Really thrive from this. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| A lot of independents. | ||
| You get those creeps to stare at your asshole, you can make a lot of money. | ||
| I mean, I wouldn't call them creeps. | ||
| They're just gentlemen. | ||
| They're just gentlemen doing the gentlemanly thing. | ||
| Yeah, they're just looking. | ||
| I mean, I think it's implied consent when you go onto their website. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Look, I think that's one of the interesting things that's going on in this pandemic as well, is that New York City has basically decriminalized prostitution. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Oh, it's been that way for housewives. | ||
| There's this undercurrent, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Housewives? | |
| Regular chicks putting out for money a couple times a month. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| There's a legit type of hooker out there that's not a street walker and they're not like madams. | ||
| They're just like extra money on the side. | ||
| The Uber driver of hookers. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| How do you know about this? | ||
| Well, without telling me who you fucked. | ||
| I fuck a lot, dude. | ||
| Just tell me. | ||
| I know you do. | ||
| Yeah, so anyway. | ||
| And I heard you fuck well. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| Jamie, please do not edit that. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Enhance. | |
| Enhance volume on that, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well. | |
| He fucks well. | ||
| Echo thing. | ||
| Reverb, yeah. | ||
| A chick I hooked up with once in a while, you know, met her friend. | ||
| She goes, what did you think of her? | ||
| Did you like her? | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, she's cute and cool, whatever. | ||
| She's like, we should have a threesome. | ||
| And I was like, oh, for sure, maybe. | ||
| She goes, yeah, how much should you pay for it? | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| She's like, yeah, I mean, you know. | ||
| And this is a chick I fucked once in a while. | ||
| They all just, then I started to notice it. | ||
| A lot of chicks, rich guys are like, I'll slide you a few hundred. | ||
| And then they go like, that's a possibility. | ||
| I knew a girl who was an artist. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And she used to fuck old rich guys. | ||
| And she felt it was like a completely legitimate way to make money. | ||
| Why wouldn't it be? | ||
| It's donating blood, right? | ||
| If you don't value giving away sex, if you don't think it's that bad, if you fuck a guy in a bathroom at a bar... | ||
| If you haven't hurt yourself in any way, then it's like, what's the difference? | ||
| She knew these people and she had semi-friendships with them. | ||
| She's not being forced to fuck anybody. | ||
| She always was like, I don't want to. | ||
| I didn't know her well enough to ask her questions. | ||
| Do you ever not want to do it, but you do need the money? | ||
| Does it fuck with your intimacy with guys that you want to be with? | ||
| Those are the real questions. | ||
| Does it ever become work? | ||
| Right, because this is the problem with online articles. | ||
| You're like, how can Vulture say this? | ||
| Or how can The Atlantic say this? | ||
| And it boils down to the writer needs 300 bucks. | ||
| They don't really care. | ||
| They drop an article and move on. | ||
| And it's destroying your life, but they've just moved on because they need 300 bucks. | ||
| So the 300 is incentivizing them to just put something out. | ||
| So the 300 or 1,000 she's getting is like, I kind of want to stay home tonight, but I got to fuck this guy for... | ||
| But also, it's up to her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, if they're friends with the dudes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you don't want to go work sometimes. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Yeah, but imagine this guy's like some CEO at a hedge fund or some shit, and he's making, you know, $10 million a year or something crazy, and he'll throw her 2,500 bucks. | ||
| Does it mean much to him? | ||
| It means a lot to her? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Remember a pretty woman? | ||
| I would have given you five. | ||
| She goes, I would have done it for one. | ||
| It's like, oh, okay. | ||
| I mean, who cares? | ||
| Who normal is still like, whoa, sex, it's the biggest thing. | ||
| You had sex with someone. | ||
| It's like, who gives anyone cool... | ||
| You're fucking, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You fuck some people you regret. | ||
| You fuck some people you don't regret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You got to fuck a celebrity here or there. | ||
| I know a chick that fucks some rapper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And she's like, Ari, I called you. | ||
| No one's going to understand. | ||
| I'm like, that's fucking awesome. | ||
| I know that rap. | ||
| I know that is. | ||
| Way to go. | ||
| Way to bet a good one. | ||
| Like, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, who cares? | ||
| We're in a bed, a good one. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't use the words. | ||
| You're talking like an old grandma. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're out there bedding a goodie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking cool. | |
| Dude, if I fucked Joan Jett, you didn't think I'd tell you? | ||
| She's a lesbian. | ||
| That would be even more impressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare she? | |
| I love rock and roll. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if I had told you something like that, you'd be like, you wouldn't be like, oh, I gotta go. | ||
| You'd be like, no, no, tell me all about it. | ||
| Right, for sure. | ||
| It's awesome, so why shouldn't I get it? | ||
| But here's the thing that makes it really weird. | ||
| Why is it okay if people have sex for free? | ||
| But it's not okay if people have sex for money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's totally okay if you give massages for money. | ||
| Which is also sort of sexual. | ||
| It's very sexual. | ||
| Watch Pulp Fiction, you know that, right? | ||
| Or if it's very pleasurable, we should just say that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It may not be pleasurable to your genitals, but when someone's rubbing your back and you're like, oh. | ||
| Or if you have sex and here's some money, wait, wait, now it got gross? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you just came in and talked for a while, like, hey, here's some money, it's not as gross? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| It is strange. | ||
| Money is a weird thing. | ||
| It makes things very odd. | ||
| Yeah, it really does. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Because it incentivizes people to work harder. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| And that's kind of good because everybody wants, like, this is a whole thought of, like, we need income equality. | ||
| Okay, but we also need effort equality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And we don't have that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's not going to be an equality of effort, so there's not going to be a equality of money. | ||
| But guys that are working all day long in a mine or something like that, they're working hard. | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| People who are willing to work hard but can't make. | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| That's a thing where you're taking advantage of someone because they don't have any other options. | ||
| Did you notice when you went from young headliner to maybe even news radio, people treated you differently because you had money and they wanted to get some of it or to be around it? | ||
| I have had the most ridiculous requests for me to help people start their businesses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like asking me for a million dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| I will pay you back within 10 years. | ||
| I got to tip this waitress. | ||
| Like, wow! | ||
| I've had people ask me to invest in their business and they'll pay me back the money that I gave them and not even give me any extra money. | ||
| Oh, just like it's a loan to help me out. | ||
| It's a loan but with no interest. | ||
| Like as if I just have free money laying around to give to people that I barely know because they want to start a business. | ||
| I guarantee that this business is not a risk to you. | ||
| I will pay you back. | ||
| And they're like, you are fucking insane. | ||
| Okay, but it's the gall to do that. | ||
| But where does it come from? | ||
| Does it come from a place of like, you just happen to find this money, you don't deserve it? | ||
| Someone I barely know, barely know, just asked me for $30,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Barely know, met him once. | ||
| Maybe met him twice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For some fucking project they're doing. | ||
| And not like, can I put you on an investment? | ||
| Just like, can I borrow this or have it? | ||
| They just want me to give them the money, and even if I'm investing, I'm investing in some fucking thing that they're doing. | ||
| Like, come on. | ||
| People are crazy. | ||
| They're trying to figure out a way to get something done through channels other than traditional banks. | ||
| You know, banks are fucking smart. | ||
| They look at you, they go, how much money do you have in the bank? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And how much do you want from us? | ||
| And how much do you make? | ||
| And what's your plan? | ||
| Let me see your plan. | ||
| How are you going to make this money? | ||
| You've never done this before? | ||
| You have no success whatsoever in this endeavor? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| You think I'm stupid? | ||
| How did I become Bank of America? | ||
| I didn't become Bank of America. | ||
| This is what happened in 2008. We gave you these loans. | ||
| Now we're not doing it. | ||
| Giving away free money to dreamers. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that you can absolutely tell try to get close to you. | ||
| They weasel their way in. | ||
| I found a lot of people lying to other friends. | ||
| This is where it gets really weird. | ||
| I'll get to know someone just barely, like a guy that I met at the gym or a guy that I met at the gun range or a guy that I met, like those kind of guys. | ||
| And then all of a sudden they're telling friends, like maybe I like... | ||
| I had like an internet exchange with them. | ||
| Like they sent me a DM. I sent him a DM back. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds cool, man. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| And then all of a sudden they're telling people they're good friends with me and they can guarantee that I'll come to an event. | ||
| And then they're trying to get me to go to this event. | ||
| And then someone at the event says, hey man, just so you know, this guy is saying he's your good friend and he can guarantee that you'll come to that event if he gets X amount for this and X amount for that and access to this or access to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, me and a buddy of mine just went through with that with a guy that I had met in California. | ||
| And then I found out out here that he was doing that. | ||
| And I was like, this is wild. | ||
| Damn, you're not even going to that. | ||
| Don't even, barely know the guy. | ||
| Pretending we're really good friends. | ||
| Pretending that he can get me into events and using my name to try to get... | ||
| It's a shitty place. | ||
| I mean, what we saw yesterday... | ||
| I looked at you after hearing someone trying to be around you. | ||
| Oh, that one lady? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about when she started crying? | ||
| She started crying to get your attention. | ||
| She went outside. | ||
| I saw it from the beginning. | ||
| I didn't know what was happening. | ||
| She went outside. | ||
| She did the tearing thing. | ||
| Don't be specific about this, please. | ||
| But it looked like this. | ||
| You can leave it there. | ||
| It looked like she'd been dumped or something. | ||
| In her stress, she just picks up a piece of it and just goes... | ||
| Like, she was in real pain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were looking at her. | ||
| And then she did it so you would look at her. | ||
| It almost worked, I feel like. | ||
| But like, not really. | ||
| Because we all turned to looking. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because we saw that the guy was still there, and then the girl went outside and she was crying outside on the street. | ||
| And our table was near the street. | ||
| It was very strange. | ||
| I was like, I had to go to the bathroom, so I was like, I'm going to go ask her. | ||
| And Shane's like, you won't. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm going to go ask her right now. | ||
| But you won't, though. | ||
| What is he talking about? | ||
| Does he not know you? | ||
| He was right, though. | ||
| I walked right past her. | ||
| Did you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't do it? | |
| I'm not going to ask her why were you crying. | ||
| Oh, I would have asked her. | ||
| If I was you, you got nothing to lose. | ||
| Nothing to lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Guys, you can be like me, but I'm going to take it away, and you also will have nothing to lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing to lose. | |
| Nothing to lose tour. | ||
| The best place to be. | ||
| Nothing to lose tour. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good one. | |
| Ooh, that's not bad. | ||
| Get on it, internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not bad. | |
| Nothing to lose. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Just you with, like, holding your pockets. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Pulled out pockets, empty, like, Nothing To Lose Tour. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah, all my loved ones abandoning me. | ||
| Nothing To Lose Tour. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Tickets available at rshaffir.com with the Nothing To Lose Tour. | ||
| I like that name. | ||
| That's a good name. | ||
| That's a good name. | ||
| That is a good name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that kind of shit is weird. | ||
| It's like people get very obsessed with talking to someone that they've seen on television. | ||
| You'll be on that in... | ||
| There it is! | ||
| Who's going to be Martin Lawrence? | ||
| You will, Shorty! | ||
| How dare you! | ||
| How dare you! | ||
| Fits out pretty perfect. | ||
| We're about the same heights as those two. | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| You also have this thing. | ||
| Oh, so I remember looking when we found out like, oh, she was just faking the cry to make you look at her. | ||
| We didn't realize that until way later. | ||
| And I looked at you, and I was just like, what's your life now, man? | ||
| This is a weird place to be. | ||
| This is like... | ||
| It's weird, but I'm still the same person. | ||
| You are. | ||
| Me and Shane were talking about it. | ||
| We're like, damn, for celebrity. | ||
| He's fucking Norm. | ||
| I can stay me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know how to stay me. | ||
| You gotta be mindful of it, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, it takes work, but I work a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm working at it. | ||
| You know, I get off the rails a little bit, but I bring myself back. | ||
| I bring myself back with, like, mostly exercise. | ||
| Ruthless exercise brings me back, because it's so humbling. | ||
| So humbling, man. | ||
| When you're so tired, and you got, like, five more sets to go, and you got a timer that's going off, and, like, you're doing rounds in the bag. | ||
| The shit that I do is so humbling. | ||
| I'm so tired. | ||
| I get so tired that after I'm done with that, I can't take myself seriously. | ||
| I don't take anything seriously. | ||
| You can't be like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you ever see that... | ||
| Was it Hot Rod or one of those Lonely Island guys' movies? | ||
| And it was like he was a movie star or a music star, and he's playing basketball. | ||
| Me and Big Jay always talk about this. | ||
| He throws the basketball up over his head behind him, and he just goes, nothing but net! | ||
| And then it misses by like 40 feet. | ||
| But all his yes men go, oh! | ||
| Like it went in. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So he just can't keep a normal mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, hang around with comics. | ||
| They'll never let you do that. | ||
| I mean, they'll shit on you for winning. | ||
| For everything. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even if you do it. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I get shit on all the time. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever try to fight a group shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And then you're like, no, no. | ||
| Just take it. | ||
| I take my shits. | ||
| I take it. | ||
| I take it right in the face. | ||
| You were doing yesterday's making some dumb point, and then, like, Ecuadorian elections, and you're like, dude, I couldn't understand you normally. | ||
| Your mouth is full of food. | ||
| And I was like, my point's done. | ||
| I'm not even gonna go back into it. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're always mumbling, even without food in your mouth. | ||
| You're trying to talk with a mouthful of pasta. | ||
| You're just like, time out. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| That's one of the beautiful things about comics is that we know that I can shit on you like that and we're all going to laugh. | ||
| And you can shit on me like that and I'm going to laugh. | ||
| We laugh when someone comes hard at you and we think it's funny. | ||
| No, that one actually hurt. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| Normally that would apply, but no. | ||
| Dude, I got you a present. | ||
| This is from the largest indigenous market in South America. | ||
| Wild, in Otoval, the city. | ||
| Mountain town. | ||
| One of my best Airbnbs ever were up there. | ||
| But, like, I did all my yogas. | ||
| Yoga with Ari. | ||
| The first, like, ten of them were up there. | ||
| Dude, Nate, sidetracked, but, like, Nate Barganzi. | ||
| I was talking to him, and he was like, oh, hey, man, I gotta, like, apologize. | ||
| I can't do an impression. | ||
| He was like, I gotta apologize. | ||
| Like, I saw a clip of Yoga with Ari, and we were talking about a move, a Holocaust move, and it just hit me like you were joking. | ||
| I thought you were seriously just teaching serious yoga online. | ||
| I'm like, no, what? | ||
| He was apologizing? | ||
| He was like, I took you as a non-comic for a minute. | ||
| I was like, oh, I guess Ari's just legitimately teaching yoga. | ||
| And I'm like, oh. | ||
| You can do both. | ||
| No, I do. | ||
| They're real moves. | ||
| Yeah, they're real moves. | ||
| I just don't nail them. | ||
| You do a good job. | ||
| Pretty good job. | ||
| Pretty good job. | ||
| You got pretty good at yoga during that one month that we did the yoga challenge. | ||
| You got pretty good at it. | ||
| You can wrap your legs around. | ||
| You got long ass legs and they're skinny. | ||
| So you can do a lot of that wrap legs around shit. | ||
| Whenever I did that with Yoga With Ari, I would always do it. | ||
| And I'd be like, by the way, my friends Joe Rogan and Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura cannot do this one. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And I can. | ||
| Yeah, I can't do that shit. | ||
| Yeah, but I have... | ||
| Thick fucking thighs. | ||
| Thick thighs save lives. | ||
| I can't wear regular underwear. | ||
| Because of your penis? | ||
| My legs rub together. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They rub together, yeah. | ||
| I legitimately, my first couple years, had a joke about that for massively obese people. | ||
| Yeah, that's me. | ||
| My pants, I'm wearing barbell jeans right now. | ||
| They wear out in the crotch. | ||
| Like, if you felt my crotch, I would let you feel it if I trusted you more. | ||
| I would feel it and I would love it. | ||
| I would get hard and let you look at it. | ||
| They wear holes through because my legs rub together. | ||
| So I wear these MeUndies that are boxer briefs. | ||
| I have to pull them down because if I don't pull them down then my legs will rub together when I have shorts on and they hurt. | ||
| Like I chaffed the inside of my legs out. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I get red, like horrible. | ||
| Like if I have a workout and I don't wear these underwear, I get fucked up. | ||
| I took to wearing compression shorts in kickboxing class. | ||
| Okay, man, they put their pants on one leg, just like everybody else, and it's like, no, they don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not me. | |
| That's so fucking funny to me. | ||
| I've been kicking things for 40 years, you know? | ||
| I mean, my legs, they've been doing squats and kicking things most of my life. | ||
| So what, did they get chafed and red and burned up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, they're too thick. | ||
| That sucks, dude. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm short and I weigh 200 pounds, and most of it's in my legs. | ||
| So it's all this meat down here. | ||
| It's all this thick meat. | ||
| I'm 175 and I'm two inches taller than you, at least. | ||
| So anyway, I'm in the largest indigenous market. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| South American. | ||
| I'm looking at this gorgeous stuff, handmade. | ||
| They're making it right there, a lot of them. | ||
| I mean, it's so fucking... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What'd you get me? | ||
| So I was like, what would... | ||
| I thought of some of my friends, you know? | ||
| Like, what would I get them? | ||
| Please don't let it be a dildo. | ||
| It's not a dildo. | ||
| They don't make novelty items. | ||
| These are like, I mean, that's a tiny section of it, but mostly this is like cool, interesting products and tapestries and like these weird Inti Rami masks. | ||
| What's an Inti Rami mask? | ||
| They're gorgeous. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| They're part of like the indigenous, it's just, it's, yeah, look it up. | ||
| You gotta see them. | ||
| They're beautiful. | ||
| And every one means something different. | ||
| I'm just, this is the market. | ||
| Yep, I have that. | ||
| Yeah, this is the market. | ||
| It's so fucking big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's dope. | |
| You're not getting the scale of it. | ||
| And that's in Ecuador? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How safe was it there? | ||
| Did you feel safe? | ||
| Massively safe. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, outside of Waiake. | ||
| Wow, that fucking mountain's beautiful. | ||
| Were you living up in the mountains? | ||
| Yeah, you gotta get a still shot of that Yoga With Ori, because the backdrop behind me is just like what I would see every morning. | ||
| I would make my schedule so I could wake up for sunset, sunrise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, wow. | |
| I would set my alarm. | ||
| It's like, there's no reason not to. | ||
| I would just see it come up over the mountains. | ||
| So pretty. | ||
| Just revealing a lake, and you're just like, Make some coffee and get ready and just see it. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Yeah, look at that backdrop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That is beautiful, man. | ||
| Ari, day three of 31, understanding January challenge. | ||
| I didn't do those dumb fucking yoga with Adrian names. | ||
| Yeah, but look at you there with your head shaved like Kwai Chang Kane. | ||
| So, dude... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| The people who were renting us the place, they were... | ||
| Oh, yeah, these... | ||
| Oh, you're doing like fake motivation. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Enlighten. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Bro, you can start a cult with this. | ||
| Slow motion yoga, yeah. | ||
| Oh, be? | ||
| Just be. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Oh, just be. | ||
| Yeah, be yourself. | ||
| Just be, man. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| I love your outfit. | ||
| Where'd you get that outfit? | ||
| Otavalo, at the Otavalo market. | ||
| That's like a monk outfit or some shit. | ||
| Yeah, so the people renting us the house, we stayed there for two weeks. | ||
| At the end, they were like, so are you like a yogi? | ||
| I had to tell them like, no, it's just a joke. | ||
| And they're like, but what are you, I mean, you're head shaved and you're wearing that, so how is it? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, I'm doing all this for this dumb joke. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| But I'm doing the moves! | ||
| Yeah, that's real. | ||
| You're doing it in a weird way, like someone's violating you. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm doing it the best I can. | ||
| You're doing it alright. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I mean, you are doing, what is that, like, cat and it's like, what is it called? | ||
| No, I call it dead cat, scared cat. | ||
| Oh, scared cat. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| I forget what they actually call it, but it's good enough. | ||
| Yeah, that's actually good for your back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| That's the one! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the one! | |
| That's the one that Joe Rogan can't do! | ||
| I can't do that one. | ||
| I can't wrap my leg around like that. | ||
| My fucking fat thighs do not allow that to take place. | ||
| I've been trying to balance myself. | ||
| Guys, this is the most accessible yoga you're going to find. | ||
| It's on YouTube.com slash Ari Shavira. | ||
| 100 classes. | ||
| And it's fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Because you're doing actual yoga. | ||
| You could actually do the moves and it's real yoga. | ||
| And we're laughing. | ||
| But you're having a good time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why can't you have a good time and be spiritual, man? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, why can't you be spiritual? | ||
| So I'm like, what would Joe like here? | ||
| I thought of a few of my friends and like, what can I get them and stuff? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| It's a lot of buildup. | ||
| Yeah, and you're gone. | ||
| It's not going to be that crazy. | ||
| But I'm like, okay, what do you have? | ||
| You have a lack of taste, right? | ||
| So I can't get you anything artistic because you're disgusting. | ||
| But you also are into native cultures and things like that. | ||
| And then I found it. | ||
| I found it. | ||
| Oh, a native fanny pack. | ||
| Handmade. | ||
| Bought it from the person who made it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Legit. | |
| Cannot think of anything that you would like more than that. | ||
| That's tight, dude. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That's not the sticker on The Office. | ||
| What are you laughing at, you fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's tight. | |
| How dare you? | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| That's a Palo Santo. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a piece of wood. | ||
| You light it and it clears the air from all the bad spirits. | ||
| Oh, it smells good. | ||
| Oh, it smells great. | ||
| They would burn piles of it. | ||
| It's a wood, right? | ||
| Palo Santo, yeah. | ||
| They dry it out. | ||
| It's everywhere in Ecuador. | ||
| It almost smells like a soap. | ||
| They make soap out of it sometimes. | ||
| It smells great, right? | ||
| So should we clear the air? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Because Shane was here yesterday, I'm sure. | ||
| Yeah, let's clear the air. | ||
| Dude, that guy kept fucking... | ||
| We're staying at Shane. | ||
| We stayed at Tim's, but he kept fucking sneaking up behind me and staring at my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| How weird would you be showing it to us? | ||
| I was pissing and he swam underwater all the way across the pool. | ||
| That's not what he said. | ||
| I just popped up to look at my cock. | ||
| That's not what he said. | ||
| He said that he said, I bet I can swim underneath this pool and hold my breath. | ||
| And you said, I bet you can't. | ||
| And then he did it. | ||
| And on the other end, you were waiting with your cock out. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He said he could do that. | ||
| And then later I was pissing and he swam under the water. | ||
| That wasn't then. | ||
| Wow, he lied. | ||
| He did tweet it. | ||
| Ari Shafir is hot and his dick is delicious. | ||
| For real, I sucked it good. | ||
| That's from Shane M. Gillis? | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| It says, you never give your phone to Ari. | ||
| Please know this. | ||
| Oh yeah, I gave my phone to Ari last night. | ||
| And he typed to Maynard. | ||
| What did I say to Maynard? | ||
| Oh, the lead singer of Tool. | ||
| Yes, my natural wine. | ||
| I asked him a question about natural wine, and then I gave him the phone to see Maynard's response, because Maynard wakes wines, and I get the phone back, and Ari had sent to Maynard, I suck cock. | ||
| You just gotta go fast on these things. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You just gotta go really fast. | ||
| Very quick. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, you're giving me an opportunity to fucking tell the lead singer of Tool who you really are. | ||
| He's also a winemaker. | ||
| Don't try to limit him. | ||
| What? | ||
| Don't limit him. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| This is a tight fanny pack. | ||
| This is very nice. | ||
| Do you like it? | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's very soft. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to bring it with me everywhere I go. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| I'm glad you like it. | ||
| I was thinking about you out there. | ||
| I think it's also even more disgusting than the one I have currently, so my wife will hate it more. | ||
| So there's a win there. | ||
| Sometimes chicks like Indian stuff, though. | ||
| Native, well, not America. | ||
| This is like more South America than it is India. | ||
| But I guess if you didn't know, you could say this could be like Navajo or some shit or Pawnee. | ||
| Yeah, could be. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| You're welcome, dude. | ||
| Appreciate it. | ||
| You still don't wear fanny packs. | ||
| I will not know. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You seem to not care about fashion. | ||
| I see what you're getting at. | ||
| Is it an obvious move what you're doing? | ||
| But you dress in a way that no one would dress if they cared about fashion. | ||
| You're retarded. | ||
| That's a retarded thing to say. | ||
| Look at the shirt you're wearing. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It screams of class and culture. | ||
| It's like a puppet that sells records. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's a record store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at me. | |
| I sell records. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's a record store, dude. | ||
| The record store with a puppet. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| It's class. | ||
| It's culture. | ||
| It's coolness. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm wearing a fucking free MMA shirt. | ||
| Fucking dork. | ||
| If I'm a hundred million dollars, you wear free shirts, you idiot. | ||
| I don't wear them anymore. | ||
| This is a Cam Haines shirt. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How much do you pay for it? | ||
| Free. | ||
| That's right! | ||
| He's my friend. | ||
| I heard some American stereotypes. | ||
| It's sad, and then you shoot a bow and arrow, and then you get happy. | ||
| It's a real clear message. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| It's a nice message. | ||
| I have been hearing some American stereotypes, my Scottish friend and some Ecuadorian friends, and they make me go like, oh no. | ||
| So we can't see it. | ||
| We're in the forest. | ||
| You can't see the trees. | ||
| Number one. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Americans like to wear free bank t-shirts. | ||
| Free bank t-shirts? | ||
| MBNA. No other country will you promote a bank just because they gave you a free shirt. | ||
| Start looking around. | ||
| You'll see it. | ||
| Here's another one. | ||
| Americans love to comment on the beauty of a sunset while you're watching it. | ||
| Nobody else does that. | ||
| Everyone's watching it. | ||
| Man, it's beautiful. | ||
| And then they go, yeah, we know, dude. | ||
| Americans, shut up and enjoy it. | ||
| Here's the last one. | ||
| Americans rush in to assist in a situation that they have no experience with. | ||
| They'll see a bird hurt on the beach. | ||
| I'm like, get it in a box! | ||
| We have to take it! | ||
| And it's like, do you know anything about this? | ||
| Like sort of how Burt moved Tom's arm when he broke it. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| He shouldn't have touched it. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| He was like, let me move it. | ||
| Yeah, he picked it up and put it over there. | ||
| Probably fucked it up for life. | ||
| Oh, jelly legs. | ||
| Jelly legs to Segura. | ||
| Dude, it didn't even make sense. | ||
| He just came down. | ||
| He didn't even like... | ||
| It wasn't like... | ||
| You see NBA players. | ||
| They come down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Conor McGregor stepped wrong, you see it snap. | ||
| No, that's not what happened. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Segura starts to jump, and then it was like he's cursed by a witch, and it just went jelly. | ||
| There was no impact. | ||
| No, he blew out his patella tendon. | ||
| He blew out everything! | ||
| Everything. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| His arm broke when he landed on his arm. | ||
| And the legs, everything broke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well what happened was, apparently he thinks he fucked it up the day before because he was jumping in his office. | ||
| They were trying to touch the ceiling in the office. | ||
| Like this ceiling. | ||
| Trying to touch the ceiling. | ||
| And he felt something weird in his knee. | ||
| But he didn't think too much of it. | ||
| And then the next day, they were playing basketball. | ||
| They were doing this dunk contest. | ||
| And he dunked a couple of times. | ||
| On a lower rim. | ||
| And then one time he really loaded up and his patella tendon just blew out. | ||
| So on the leap up, his leg just blew apart. | ||
| It gave way. | ||
| Blew apart. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, his knee just went like this. | ||
| It's so crazy looking. | ||
| Yeah, it's wild. | ||
| He doesn't... | ||
| Yeah, it's always on the come down. | ||
| He went on the way up. | ||
| I heard a doctor say... | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Of course he's making fucking merch on it. | ||
| Nobody cashes in more than Tom. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| I heard a doctor once a long time ago say in your 40s is when you do explosive movements and you don't have explosive strength. | ||
| And that's where you get in trouble. | ||
| Still trying to make ski jumps. | ||
| You should have stopped at 31. But at 60, you're not trying to make those jumps anymore. | ||
| That's That makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or you just keep lifting weights and don't be a pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're an outlier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You just gotta know what your body's capable of doing, and the only way you know is to make it do a lot of shit. | ||
| So you know what it could do all the time. | ||
| Most people just stop. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Completely, yeah. | |
| It's the grind. | ||
| It's all about the grind. | ||
| Like, most people, like, they get to a point that, I don't want to lift any more weights. | ||
| I'm just gonna get on this elliptical machine, listen to a book on tape. | ||
| Just go Buster Douglas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just be like... | ||
| Fatten up. | ||
| Just fatten up. | ||
| Lay back. | ||
| That happens to a lot of fighters. | ||
| Ricky Hatton got huge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh my god, he got huge. | ||
| He might have lost weight now, but he got real big. | ||
| A lot of guys get real big when they just don't want to do anything anymore. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| They don't want to be... | ||
| I get it. | ||
| And you form a habit of that, and you just stay in it. | ||
| Let me ask you a question somebody asked me that I really like. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because everybody's like, what was me? | ||
| They start complaining about... | ||
| There's so many things to complain about. | ||
| COVID, cancel, whatever. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| And then when that conversation starts, how do you end that in normal conversation? | ||
| Not in a podcast, but in normal conversation, where it's going to politics, the most boring fucking subject, or race, or something, where you're like, oh, this is just gonna go... | ||
| Especially with some people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't have an interesting perspective. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| What's the point of this? | ||
| You agree with the people you agree with, it's dumb. | ||
| It's classless and dumb. | ||
| But for real, not the way I make fun of you, but for real, it's classless. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So, what makes you hopeful? | ||
| That's what you ask people. | ||
| I think there's a trend in civilization period where people are trying to be nicer. | ||
| And I think one of the things that's going on with cancel culture that actually gives me hope is they're canceling people because they're saying those people are assholes. | ||
| Like all of it is catching people doing something that they shouldn't be doing. | ||
| Now, the bad part about it is that a lot of the people that are doing it are really fucked up people, and they're not compassionate, and they're not kind, and they're not forgiving. | ||
| They're going against what Martin Luther King said. | ||
| You can't fight light with darkness. | ||
| You can't fight darkness with darkness, only with light. | ||
| And they're, nah, fight it with darkness. | ||
| There's a lot of fools who don't understand violence, and they don't understand conflict, and they're involved in a lot of this. | ||
| And also, they're doing it through this proxy. | ||
| You're doing it through social media, which is this really weird way to have conflict with people. | ||
| But then you see that conflict spill out into real world, like the Black Lives Matter protests, or the Antifa protests, or all these different... | ||
| You see real-world consequences for this kind of online rhetoric. | ||
| But overall, all of it, whether it's Black Lives Matter or whether it's even like the idea of Antifa, they're not trying to make the world a worse place. | ||
| I don't think they're right. | ||
| Their intention is... | ||
| Yes, their intention is to get rid of a corrupt society, to get rid of a corrupt government. | ||
| I don't think they're doing it the right way. | ||
| I don't think they're educated. | ||
| I don't think they're intelligent. | ||
| I don't think they're responsible. | ||
| I think what they're doing is nonsense. | ||
| They're the privates. | ||
| They shouldn't be choosing the war technique. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Well, a lot of them are grossly obese and fucking sloppy humans and shitty. | ||
| They've lived very undisciplined lives. | ||
| Then all of a sudden, they want to start telling people what to do. | ||
| Like, pull over! | ||
| We control these streets! | ||
| It's power. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's a power. | ||
| It's a lot of what that is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the intention behind it is almost all to do better, to have society be better. | ||
| I think even those MAGA shitheads, I think even those dummies that stormed the Capitol, they thought they were going to make the world a better place. | ||
| They're not trying to make the world a worse place. | ||
| They thought in their head that the election was stolen and they were going to storm the Capitol in a show of force and somehow or another was going to turn around and Trump's going to be president again. | ||
| Because they're dumb. | ||
| Because they're a bunch of dumb dudes who live in their basement and they wear buffalo helmets on. | ||
| The thought behind that was like, hey, let's fucking take more of an active voice in our democracy. | ||
| Yes, but they're morons. | ||
| They're a bunch of QAnon dummies, and they're trying to make the world a better place. | ||
| But the trend... | ||
| What they're trying to do is all that. | ||
| When Hitler was trying to exterminate the Jews, there's not a fucking way you can spin that where he was trying to make the world a better place. | ||
| There's not a way you can spin that, where you're dehumanizing people to the point where you're turning the entire culture on one group of people that have a certain religious belief. | ||
| That's just pure evil. | ||
| You don't get that today. | ||
| What we're getting today is you think Some people are evil because of their ideology, their political ideology, or you think some people are foolish or short-sighted, but I think ultimately people are trying, they want- Pushing for the good. | ||
| Yeah, even the assholes that want to defund the police. | ||
| They think that the police are bad and they're causing problems, they want less problems, but they just don't know jack shit about law enforcement. | ||
| The guy that I was talking to, my friend who used to be a cop, was telling me about the guy strangling the guy. | ||
| Talk to that guy. | ||
| Talk to an actual cop and let him tell you all the crazy shit that they've seen. | ||
| All the kids that they've seen that got shot. | ||
| All the wild shit that they've seen. | ||
| Talk to them. | ||
| Then you get an understanding of what it means to be a police officer. | ||
| Actually, like what you said, talk to them. | ||
| Like, hey, what can we do to make it better or to rule out the fucking shitty ones? | ||
| I don't know, but it's like that John Lennon song. | ||
| If you're talking about destruction, then like, I forget the lyrics, but then no, then I'm not interested. | ||
| You can count me out. | ||
| Yeah, you can count me out. | ||
| But if you want to make it better, if you want to go give food to the homeless bank or something, then I'll go with you. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| They're just the wrong technique. | ||
| But I get what you're saying, so that's what makes you hopeful? | ||
| Yeah, that makes me hopeful. | ||
| I think the tactics are incorrect and a lot of people are misled because they're trying to do things and they're trying to do things in this weird age of social media, in this weird age of these collective groups where people get together and they try to share a mindset and a philosophy and a lot of times it's dumb. | ||
| You know, a lot of times they're trying to rehash shit that's already been tried out in other countries like Marxism or socialism. | ||
| They're vengeful. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that too. | ||
| And there's a lot of nerd rage. | ||
| There's a lot of people that were... | ||
| One of the things that we were talking about yesterday was Shane. | ||
| We were talking about a lot of people that attack people online. | ||
| These people were really abused when they were young. | ||
| A lot of these people, they're abused by either their family, they're abused by bullies at school, or they're abused by relationships they had, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| They have this anger in them and they want to take it out on other people. | ||
| And so there's sort of this exaggerated rage that's not necessarily indicative of what is actually going on. | ||
| It's like a gamer rage. | ||
| It's like, are you guys even... | ||
| You know how they're like, I hope you get AIDS and your mom dies in front of you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| And then the regular people caught on with that? | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| Guys, you're not really... | ||
| Right, the gamer chats, when they say things in the chats. | ||
| It was like fun to say. | ||
| I think all these e-rages are just like a couple people talking and then far, far more, like a hundred, two hundred, two thousand times that people weighing in on what the small, small amount of people actually... | ||
| No one's actually that upset about Aunt Jemima. | ||
| There's also a lot of cowards out there. | ||
| A lot of cowards. | ||
| And those cowards are the ones that virtue signal. | ||
| Because they want to make sure that they're on the right side of your rage. | ||
| They want to be with you while you attack other people. | ||
| And then when it turns on them, it's horrific. | ||
| Like this Christy Teigen shit. | ||
| When you see it turn on her, it's horrific. | ||
| The whole Bon Appetit thing was my favorite of all the cancellations. | ||
| What's Bon Appetit? | ||
| Bon Appetit is an online, not an online, a magazine for food. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| What is the Bon Appetit thing? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| It's so much happened with the... | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| Jamie, do you know? | ||
| Don't you have a beer to get us? | ||
| No, I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will delete this whole thing. | |
| Sorry, Rory. | ||
| I lost it. | ||
| Good luck promoting your dumb shit. | ||
| So, Bon Appetit... | ||
| It was a culture... | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| It's a website, right? | ||
| Yeah, but it was a... | ||
| Magazine. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| What are those things we used to grow that in science class? | ||
| A culture? | ||
| Petri dish? | ||
| Yeah, Petri dish for anger and canceling. | ||
| That's where it all been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, and Appetit was? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So, Alison Roman was there, and then she was at... | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| Austin Rome was a chef who was being sassy and was shitting on a couple other chefs. | ||
| Was like, oh, this chef doesn't even know what she's doing. | ||
| She's a fucking model. | ||
| One of them was Chrissy Teigen. | ||
| She's a model. | ||
| What the fuck does she know? | ||
| Another chef was like, uh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, this is so fun. | |
| This is off-air and stuff, but this is so fun. | ||
| Another chef was somebody who talks about, like, minimalization. | ||
| And then, oh, but she has a book line, so you're supposed to order stuff. | ||
| She's being sassy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We've all kind of been that. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, we've all been sassy. | ||
| Interview comes out, it's like, just so you know, both those chefs you were talking about were Asian. | ||
| She was like, what? | ||
| She's like, they're both Asian. | ||
| And I'm like, no, I was shitting on them for the chef stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, but they're both Asian, so we're going to write this up as your anti-Asian. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| Spins, spins, spins. | ||
| You know how it is. | ||
| Spins, spins. | ||
| Suddenly she's like, oh, I have to grow as a person, all that shit. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| The guy who ran Bon Appetit, the editor-in-chief. | ||
| 15 years earlier, went to a cholo party in LA. I don't know if you've ever been to one of those. | ||
| Oh yeah, all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| There you go. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| That's brownface, dude. | ||
| That's brownface. | ||
| So he went into his office. | ||
| He went into the office. | ||
| The editor-in-chief, who turned the fucking magazine around and made it successful, and he goes, Hey, listen, I'm sorry about all that. | ||
| You don't have to read it. | ||
| I know the story. | ||
| I'm sorry about all that. | ||
| I'll try to be better, and I'm going to try to maximize the voices of the minorities. | ||
| Hold, please. | ||
| Let me read his exact quote. | ||
| Bring that back. | ||
| Because this is one of my favorite. | ||
| People apologize. | ||
| You know it's not their actual voice. | ||
| I spent my career celebrating black Latinx. | ||
| As soon as you say Latinx. | ||
| That's not how you say it. | ||
| I'm done with you. | ||
| Because Latinos don't want to have anything to do with that. | ||
| Latinas don't want anything to do with that either. | ||
| The language doesn't allow it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| White people. | ||
| That's white people. | ||
| Dopey white people. | ||
| Latinx, indigenous, Asian, and POC. People of color. | ||
| Voices in food. | ||
| And this feels like an erasure of that work. | ||
| Oh, have you spent your entire career celebrating indigenous voices in food? | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| That this feels like an erasure of that work because he was dressing like a Puerto Rican guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But let me go back to that thing. | ||
| Tell me that Luis Gomez wouldn't dress exactly like that. | ||
| Luis Gomez would find it funny. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| It's dead on. | ||
| It's dead on. | ||
| It's a costume party. | ||
| And by the way, they found it on his Instagram, which means it wasn't a weird thing. | ||
| He wasn't hiding it. | ||
| Brown face, they called it. | ||
| And he goes, hey guys, sorry about that. | ||
| I know this came up. | ||
| How is that brown face? | ||
| That's a guy with a tank top on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's obviously dumb. | |
| He doesn't even have something on his face. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| How do you call it brown face? | ||
| Talk to San Francisco. | ||
| They invent all these words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, San Francisco. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So he goes to his staff, says, hey guys, sorry about that. | ||
| Let me show this thing. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| We'll move on. | ||
| But I'll try to be better. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Two of the lower level people go, that's not good enough. | ||
| We want your job. | ||
| You need to resign. | ||
| Two lower level people. | ||
| It's always lower level people. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| 26 year olds. | ||
| Because they want your job. | ||
| Everyone else is frozen. | ||
| Going like, how do we say, you need to shut the fuck up. | ||
| This is the editor who turned our business around. | ||
| Then they start uncovering other stuff. | ||
| He didn't promote POCs enough. | ||
| And then it starts going, whatever. | ||
| Then they start doing the daily... | ||
| Report on Bon Appetit. | ||
| Now you see their promo. | ||
| It's all like gays, blacks. | ||
| It's all that. | ||
| It's all rainbow stuff. | ||
| And then all the fucking women who were reading it were like, what's my recipe? | ||
| I want some fusion food. | ||
| They're like, I don't want to fucking make chitlins. | ||
| Like, fucking come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so then everyone's like, well, where were you? | ||
| So these gays are getting elevated into the editor. | ||
| And then somebody else is like, as a Vietnamese adoptee in America, I feel like you marginalized my voice, you fucking gay. | ||
| Because all it is, is if I don't take your story, you've marginalized me. | ||
| And so it's just attack, attack, attack, attack, attack. | ||
| And you have Alison Roman, who's fucking done, can't work in the New York Times anymore, living in northern New York, can't live in New York City anymore. | ||
| And then her accuser, Chrissy Teigen, who fucking says, kill yourself to a statutory rape victim. | ||
| There's none of that thing where it's like, if you kill the head vampire, you get off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So she's fucking out, but whoever she accused is also out. | ||
| But is Chrissy Teigen Asian? | ||
| Slightly. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What kind? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are you allowed to say what kind? | ||
| She has strong features. | ||
| To all the Spotify employees, I don't stand by Joe Rogan's comments in any way. | ||
| I would like to say that I still listen to Spotify and please do not delete my account. | ||
| I have playlists on there that I want to get to. | ||
| To all the Spotify employees, I say go through the rap catalog. | ||
| Music that I actually enjoy that celebrates murder and violence. | ||
| And also take them down. | ||
| And go to that before you start talking about people who are comedians who are just talking shit. | ||
| It's all so fun. | ||
| So she's part Asian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thai! | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| She's got kind of a beautiful Thai face. | ||
| Nobody hates Thai people. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Well, they made the best kickboxing style ever. | ||
| Ask Hannibal Buress. | ||
| He's a fucking sweet-ass kickboxer. | ||
| Yeah, I was telling Ari that, uh, I don't know if I've ever told this on the podcast, I ran into Hannibal in Thailand a few years back. | ||
| I was there with my family, we went to Chiang Mai, and we just decided to go, you gonna piss in that? | ||
| I am. | ||
| Ari's gonna piss in his water jug. | ||
| I'm trying to make my modal water bottle. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm not even putting the camera up. | ||
| Okay, keep the camera on me. | ||
| He's telling a story about Hannibal. | ||
| I don't know if you understand this, Ari. | ||
| He's talking about Hannibal. | ||
| This is no longer the show that I used to have where back in the day when I was just doing it in my house and we were on a couch in my spare bedroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You could just pull your cock out. | ||
| Sitting on the floor below you. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Floor below me? | ||
| We were all on the couch together. | ||
| Yeah, because we had to crouch in. | ||
| We had to crouch in. | ||
| So it was like one on the couch, two below. | ||
| Oh, that one time. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Early, early, early time. | ||
| We didn't have enough room on the couch. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because there was a laptop. | ||
| Joe, look away. | ||
| Yeah, I'm looking at your cock. | ||
| I've seen your cock a hundred times. | ||
| Anyway, in those days, Ari, it was okay for you to just pull your dick out and pee on camera because no one was watching. | ||
| But now, millions of people are watching and yet you think it's okay to just fucking piss. | ||
| You think that's cool? | ||
| It's a bodily function. | ||
| It's wrong. | ||
| You're peeing on my show. | ||
| It's rude. | ||
| Would you do that on the Jimmy Kimmel show? | ||
| You farted too? | ||
| Would you do that on the Jimmy Kimmel show? | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| I wouldn't do it on Corolla. | ||
| I wouldn't do it on Legion of Skanks. | ||
| Only you. | ||
| How come you don't like me? | ||
| Because of lack of respect. | ||
| You have no respect for me. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| So we talked about it on the podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| We did talk about it. | ||
| So Hannibal moved to Thailand for a while. | ||
| More than a month, I believe. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| And he just decided he needed to stop drinking and wanted to lose weight and didn't know anybody out there and he just started doing Muay Thai. | ||
| And this is right after he canceled Bill Cosby. | ||
| Hey, look at the cock. | ||
| Did you show it? | ||
| Don't let him get us in trouble. | ||
| We'll get in big trouble. | ||
| I've only gotten people taken down off YouTube. | ||
| I don't know if Spotify even gives a shit if you pull your hair out. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If anybody could do it, this show could do it. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| You would be the... | ||
| Yeah, they spent a lot of money for this stupid fucking show. | ||
| Spotify. | ||
| Hey, no, no, no. | ||
| Appreciate the... | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Let's not test the waters. | ||
| A lot of people are already mad because of what you said about Vietnamese influencers or whatever. | ||
| I said nobody hates Thai people. | ||
| Don't spit my words. | ||
| Someone says, I'm a Vietnamese refugee, you've rejected my work and you're minimalizing my contribution. | ||
| Once you hear somebody say, as a, you're like, nah, not interested. | ||
| Identity politics is toxic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| It's just toxic. | ||
| People are just... | ||
| Do it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| People are just people. | ||
| I love the chance I had, finally, when Nick Cannon was like, ah, Jews made up the fucking Mount Sinai or whatever the fuck he said. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| I don't even... | ||
| I remember barely... | ||
| Wasn't he talking to Professor Griff from Public Enemy? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| He's a professor. | ||
| Who is he? | ||
| You have to like the academics. | ||
| Eddie Bravo had Professor Griff on his podcast way back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He had a good time with him. | ||
| It was finally my opportunity because they were like, of course you'd say this because of this. | ||
| It was finally my opportunity. | ||
| He goes, guys, I'm a Jew. | ||
| He's attacking Jews for the first time. | ||
| Let him say whatever the fuck he wants to say. | ||
| He might have some good points. | ||
| He might not. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Don't fire that guy over fucking whatever the fuck he wants to say. | ||
| It's not on America's Got Talent. | ||
| He's not like somebody's not juggling. | ||
| Everyone's like, that was amazing. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Nick Cannon's like, oh, oh. | ||
| Only 2,000 people died in the Holocaust. | ||
| Is that what he said? | ||
| No! | ||
| But if he did it on the fucking America's Got Talent, you'd be like, hey, dude, retake, reshoot. | ||
| Yeah, cut that part out. | ||
| Any other normal time, say what the fuck you want! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hate this fucking world. | ||
| Did they fire him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They stopped wiling out for a while and they started up again. | ||
| Some shit happened and then I think some things have been worked out. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Everybody defend him on Wild and Out. | ||
| They're like, we're not going to really work without him. | ||
| And they go, ah, fuck. | ||
| Alright, bring him back. | ||
| What is Wild and Out? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a show that's been on MTV for about 20 years. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's fake rap. | ||
| Fake battle rap. | ||
| Fake. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Is it fake? | ||
| Well, what is real then? | ||
| I mean, because it's not like... | ||
| Well, Battle Rap is real. | ||
| It's not improv. | ||
| It's not improv in the moment. | ||
| They pre-write it for them, but they're like, okay, I'll go back and forth. | ||
| You know how like 8 Mile? | ||
| They write it for each other? | ||
| They're writers. | ||
| Oh, they have writers. | ||
| Yeah, and the people come on there and like... | ||
| That is fake Battle Rap. | ||
| That's like fake stand-up. | ||
| That's like Tom Hanks in Punchline, right? | ||
| Somebody wrote that for him. | ||
| It's not a real comic. | ||
| In Punchline they wrote it for him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The writers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you ever see that movie? | ||
| Sally Fields and Tom Hanks? | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| They have lockers. | ||
| Yeah, that's what always got me. | ||
| Lockers in the comedy club. | ||
| That's why I can't watch movies about comedy because I'm like, you're going to get it wrong. | ||
| It's going to make me angrier than it should. | ||
| If comedy clubs had lockers, guys would steal the key and shit in your locker. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| This is wild and out. | ||
| They're doing dances and improv skits. | ||
| Okay, and people are actually watching this. | ||
| They do dance a lot. | ||
| Is it popular? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look how popular. | ||
| Everybody's having a good time. | ||
| It's on MTV. They don't show tons of shows, so... | ||
| Yeah, MTV doesn't have a lot of shows anymore, right? | ||
| What is MTV mostly these days? | ||
| Ridiculousness. | ||
| Ridiculousness. | ||
| Oh, that Rob Dreidek show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| That's literally the whole network? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of it. | ||
| It's a very popular thing, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah, they used to be great music, then they were interesting reality shows, and then they were just like... | ||
| So now it's not... | ||
| Do they have music videos at all anymore? | ||
| Probably like an hour a day. | ||
| On YouTube, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, if you release a music video, you release it on YouTube. | ||
| Whatever happened to Yo! | ||
| MTV Raps? | ||
| It was marginalized. | ||
| I don't know, yeah. | ||
| It's a brand from the 80s now that they bring back I love her. | ||
| It looks cool. | ||
| Yeah, it does look cool on shirts. | ||
| If you see a Yo Up TV rap shirt. | ||
| Oh, it's a dope shirt. | ||
| 80s has now made a massive comeback. | ||
| That's like a vintage Led Zeppelin shirt. | ||
| You look like a cool motherfucker with that. | ||
| One of my favorites is a weasel shirt from then. | ||
| From Pauly? | ||
| Yeah, from Pauly that he had from way back. | ||
| And it was like, with that wild 80s style. | ||
| Pauly's living in Vegas now. | ||
| I ran into him in Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| He was backstage at the Chappelle shows I did. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, Dave and I were doing the MGM and Paulie was there. | ||
| He lives there. | ||
| It was in Vegas. | ||
| The MGM was amazing. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| Segura did it too. | ||
| How was that Chappelle? | ||
| I heard. | ||
| Oh my god, we had so much fun. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| Everybody was so excited. | ||
| Where do you put the... | ||
| We did it once, but it was like a very small part of the MGM. Right. | ||
| This is bigger now with Chappelle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's the whole MGM. When we did it, it was only like 4,000 or 5,000 people. | ||
| We pushed the stage right up to the audience and then went to there. | ||
| Bourdain came to see us there. | ||
| It was you, me, and Diaz. | ||
| How's he do it? | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| Killed himself. | ||
| You didn't know? | ||
| Legitimately? | ||
| I didn't know about Bon Appetit and you don't know about Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| Who the fuck is out of touch? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, I'm fucking with you, but like... | ||
| Yeah, it's just... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's heavy, dude. | ||
| That's heavy. | ||
| That was one of the first times he came to see us do stand-up. | ||
| You asked me about depression after he killed himself on this podcast. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| I was going along with it, dude. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You don't think I know that you know? | ||
| I've been doing this the whole show. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| I mean, I don't know legitimately about the Bon Appetit thing. | ||
| I did not know about that. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| I gotta talk to you more about it. | ||
| Please do. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Let me tell you the legitimately most scary part. | ||
| So that shit that happens at Bon Appetit, this is important. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That shit that happens at Bon Appetit, but we're too... | ||
| 25-year-olds, whatever, can go, that's not good enough. | ||
| You need to quit. | ||
| And everyone's frozen because you can't be like, shut up. | ||
| So there's a guy that goes, oh, okay, I... I guess I'll step down. | ||
| So he quit himself? | ||
| He quit. | ||
| He had to step down. | ||
| Disgraced. | ||
| Did a great job before that. | ||
| Should've hung in there like Mario Cuomo. | ||
| See him? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Going good. | ||
| No, that is what you should do. | ||
| Or Andre, what's his name? | ||
| For sure that's a technique. | ||
| Andrew Cuomo? | ||
| Andrew. | ||
| Him quitting is very high up in this long article, so there's a lot more to go. | ||
| Oh, there's so much, dude. | ||
| There's so much? | ||
| Oh, the fucking editor-in-chief resigned, too? | ||
| That was the guy in the picture. | ||
| Oh, that's him? | ||
| He looks good like that. | ||
| I think he shouldn't dress up like a Puerto Rican anymore. | ||
| I like his jacket. | ||
| Slick. | ||
| Handsome. | ||
| I like that stylish jacket with a V-neck t-shirt. | ||
| It's a good look. | ||
| That sort of thing also happens at, used to happen at Comedy Central, where you have the people working there go, hey, why don't you hire some more of this, more of that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And they're frozen because they can't go, hey, this comic, I don't even see this shit, is really, I had, I was supposed to have Reggie Conquist's comic open for me in Baltimore a couple weeks ago. | ||
| He's black. | ||
| It has nothing to do with it. | ||
| He couldn't come for the last week. | ||
| He thought I was driving him. | ||
| I was already down there. | ||
| And then he was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| So I was like, hey, I need an opener. | ||
| He goes, well, do you need a specific? | ||
| I go, stop right there. | ||
| Find me the best opener you have in town. | ||
| Whatever you're going to say, I know what you're going to say. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Get me a great opener. | ||
| I'm not interested. | ||
| I bring Adrian Appaluccio with me a lot. | ||
| And if she can't come, does it have to be a girl? | ||
| I'm like, I'm not thinking of that when I'm booking her. | ||
| Stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| Anyway, that sort of thing. | ||
| So Comedy Central, the head-ups back then, couldn't go, well, we just have this great comic because everyone else is looking at them. | ||
| So they're frozen. | ||
| Everyone's frozen by the 25, 26-year-olds who start accusing you of stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now, who chooses how people think about the world? | ||
| The media in general, right? | ||
| Social media, the New York Times makes a lot of public thought. | ||
| Podcasts have an impact. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Podcasts for sure. | ||
| Now, they're a little more free because you don't have Jamie pressuring you, but you have social pressure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, this is a podcast. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You have social pressure of how to act, but it's not actually anyone on staff. | ||
| But that shit that happens at Comedy Central, the shit that happens at Bon Appetit, you also have that happening at the New York Times, which really legitimately does choose the way people think. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So you have someone say, I want to run this story that says, this is what I found. | ||
| You have two 25, 26-year-olds who might go over your head on Slack. | ||
| Do you know what Slack is? | ||
| It's like a messaging service for just like work. | ||
| Go over your head to your boss, if you're their boss, and go, hey, he's doing something racially problematic or he's not hiring. | ||
| He's not sending our stories out because I'm a black person or because I'm an idiot. | ||
| Yeah, or I'm trans. | ||
| So now everyone at the New York Times has to cross-reference their stories with like, hey, you're a black reporter here. | ||
| Can you read this to make sure this is all okay? | ||
| And the black reporter's like, dude, I'm not fucking putting my name on that in case there's something you wrote wrong. | ||
| So they're all bending over backwards to make sure the 25-year-old is coddled, is okay. | ||
| And they're choosing how everyone thinks about the world. | ||
| So you'll see, even if they go a little bit more, let's say conservative leaning, or like, not even like, socially conservative leaning, they'll also finish it with, but you know, you also have to finish, you have to account for the other. | ||
| They can't just do that because they're afraid of those two girls. | ||
| They're afraid of them because they're running things. | ||
| We are fucked. | ||
| We are fucked as a society. | ||
| Or are they fucked? | ||
| Because I think we take over. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think rational people that are actual real human beings, they can have a conversation like we're having, where they're talking shit, but when we're serious, you can tell that we're being serious about these things. | ||
| Well, we're in the in-between time, where we're still, we're raised thinking New York Times is the truth, so we're still like trying to, uh, uh, uh, and then now it's slowly shifting. | ||
| We're in the in-between, we're still looking to a place that's no longer giving us the truth for the truth. | ||
| And then soon we'll be like, we're ignoring you completely. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Clickbait. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Keep getting it. | ||
| We're going here for actual real thought. | ||
| That's why Abby Martin quit, right? | ||
| She's like, you're not letting me do this stuff. | ||
| My friend Jake Hanrahan, who's like, I don't believe in the war stuff. | ||
| Barry Weiss. | ||
| Barry Weiss quit New York Times because they were too woke. | ||
| I'd love to talk to her about that shit. | ||
| She would love to talk to you about it. | ||
| She'd talk to you about it. | ||
| Barry's awesome. | ||
| She's looking right at you. | ||
| He's also a Jew. | ||
| I do a podcast called, I would like to have you on it, about reporting in the problems at the New York Times. | ||
| I've already talked. | ||
| Tell her about your dad. | ||
| Holocaust survivor. | ||
| My dad survived the Holocaust and actually helped kill Hitler. | ||
| He was like, I'm not sure I want to do this. | ||
| And he's like, do it, dude. | ||
| It's just a fucking, it's a weight loss pill. | ||
| Just take it. | ||
| I don't think that part's true. | ||
| But Barry had to leave New York Times. | ||
| She just couldn't do it anymore. | ||
| Is she still in New York? | ||
| I think she's got a substack now. | ||
| They're all realizing that you can make a lot of money on your own. | ||
| But also what you can do is, if you're not driven by money, you can be artistically validated. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But also, when you're at the New York Times for a certain amount of time, it validates you. | ||
| You've already got your name. | ||
| Yeah, and people realize there's a lot of people that are former New York Times authors, and that's a part of their resume. | ||
| You have used to write for New York Times. | ||
| My friend worked for South Park for two years, Brian Keith Edwards. | ||
| We did open mics together, great guy. | ||
| And then after two years, he asked his agent, I want to keep working there. | ||
| And they go, nah, dude, you're barely making any money. | ||
| That's a Comedy Central show. | ||
| Now you have that on your resume. | ||
| Three years or two years is the same. | ||
| Time to move. | ||
| Let's go make you 20 grand a week. | ||
| Yeah, all these networks are just so saddled down. | ||
| I mean, if they got involved in the podcasting world, how quickly would they fuck it up? | ||
| Like, imagine if Comedy Central started producing podcasts. | ||
| Like, what if Comedy Central came in, swooped in, and all the executives from Comedy Central that were fucking with your show are fucking with all these different shows. | ||
| What exactly was the fallout with you and them? | ||
| I'm forgetting now why you wound up leaving that show. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| Yeah, no, I remember. | ||
| Before I start this, Ryan Moran was the only great person there. | ||
| He's still there. | ||
| He's a solid guy who always fought for me to say the real thing and be able to stop censorship as much as I can. | ||
| Everybody else there. | ||
| Kudos to you, sir. | ||
| They lost their mind when I saw my special on Netflix. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| You sold your special to Netflix instead of Comedy Central, and they were negotiating with you, as was Netflix, but Netflix paid a lot more money and it's a lot more exposure. | ||
| Netflix didn't pay a lot more money. | ||
| They didn't? | ||
| I made less than Netflix. | ||
| What are you, retarded? | ||
| There's more exposure? | ||
| I want my stuff being seen. | ||
| What the fuck's wrong with you? | ||
| Take the loot. | ||
| I wish I was there. | ||
| Also, it was a double special. | ||
| I wish I could go back and talk to you again. | ||
| You know what I was going to do? | ||
| Tell you to keep the job? | ||
| Keep the money? | ||
| You didn't. | ||
| You told me to walk away. | ||
| You gave me great advice. | ||
| You know what you said? | ||
| You know what Joe Rogan said? | ||
| He goes, I mean, I was crying on the phone with you. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| I was jerking off. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| When guys cry, I like to beat off. | ||
| Didn't change it completely, but it alters. | ||
| Like, my thoughts on it now. | ||
| I'm gonna process that. | ||
| But, yeah, they were like, you're gonna have to walk away. | ||
| They said, we're gonna put all these people out of work on two weeks' notice. | ||
| Good luck to having them pay their rent. | ||
| Oh, that's right, yeah. | ||
| And you go, well, I'll tell you what. | ||
| Why don't I host for you to keep going? | ||
| I'll do that for free. | ||
| He goes, don't pay me. | ||
| I'll do it for free. | ||
| Yeah, it was a tough time. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I said I would step in for free to keep the show running so the people that work there got paid. | ||
| They said, we're contractually obligated to 10 episodes. | ||
| We're going to do 20 so we can get your schedule so you can actually think about your stand-up all the time and not be editing constantly. | ||
| Do 20 at once and then we're going to put them out of work in no time. | ||
| And then it was like... | ||
| And then they start going out to other people to host. | ||
| And this was all just because you wouldn't do your special at Comedy Central? | ||
| They were still in the place where they were thinking, like, we could compete with Netflix. | ||
| They weren't. | ||
| And we said, like, hey, more eyeballs will be on this not happening if I do a Netflix special. | ||
| And they said, these people are all fired now, but they said, like, what we see is we're adding more eyeballs to Netflix. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| I remember now. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| I completely forgot about it. | ||
| You know, I think the reason I forgot about it is it was so painfully stupid to me. | ||
| It was so... | ||
| That when things like that happen, I swear to God, dude, I have like a file that I put that kind of stupid shit and I just shut the door and I just keep moving. | ||
| I've purposely blocked that out. | ||
| Now the moment you're saying it, now I'm getting angry again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because I remember that dumb fucking conversation where I just wanted to be in a room with these people. | ||
| And go, you idiots have no business dictating anything when it comes to art. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| You don't understand stand-up. | ||
| They couldn't even show the thing I was showing. | ||
| I did a double special. | ||
| Not a two-part, a double special. | ||
| They wouldn't even be able to show it. | ||
| And they're like, we're going to show one, we're not sure about the other. | ||
| I'm like, there is no other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're together. | |
| It's a together. | ||
| They're both commenting on each other. | ||
| It's a child and adult special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On Netflix. | ||
| You can watch it now. | ||
| You can watch it now. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Double Negative. | ||
| Double negative. | ||
| It's available now. | ||
| Children, adulthood. | ||
| You can go watch it. | ||
| You can watch it. | ||
| You should. | ||
| But like, it just isn't working. | ||
| I was so mad. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember. | |
| And then I was like, anyone I suggested to take over for me, I was like, how about I step away? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Let Burt host. | ||
| No, because he did his special on Showtime. | ||
| Let Big J host. | ||
| I'm like, I can still promote comics. | ||
| Why did they say no to me? | ||
| That, oh, in the end it was because I suggested it. | ||
| I was so persona non grotto. | ||
| I suggested Henry Rollins, Ali Sadiq. | ||
| I'm like, this will fucking loft Ali Sadiq if you have him on. | ||
| He is of this show. | ||
| He's told multiple stories on this show. | ||
| My crowd knows him now. | ||
| Like, who's going to take over Chappelle's show? | ||
| Not some guy who's done one part Donnell and fucking... | ||
| Whatever his name is. | ||
| Dead fuck. | ||
| Charlie Murphy? | ||
| Charlie Murphy, yeah. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Probably couldn't remember his name right away. | ||
| Dead fuck. | ||
| The point is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ, dude. | |
| The point is... | ||
| All right. | ||
| He was my friend. | ||
| That's a five-second rule. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| So... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You want a cigar? | ||
| You want a cigar? | ||
| I would love a cigar. | ||
| How about a cigar with my face on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Foundation Cigars made special cigars. | ||
| That's cool, dude. | ||
| Super legit cigars. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| With the JRE logo on it. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| By the way, everybody, I should stop and say this right now. | ||
| You're apologizing for dead fuck? | ||
| No, I'm not apologizing for dead fuck. | ||
| I'll never apologize for anything fucking... | ||
| Oh, I didn't get the V cut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's another lighter over there somewhere. | ||
| Anytime I talk about this crazy shit that's happened in my life or whatever at all. | ||
| There's that little Stormtrooper one right there. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| I'm smoking cigars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're great. | |
| The Joe Rogan experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all good. | |
| I'm not complaining about life. | ||
| My life is fucking sick. | ||
| Ari and I have been friends forever. | ||
| We're tight. | ||
| You know what I was going to do? | ||
| I wanted, I really wanted to pay the staff on my own. | ||
| I was gonna pay them, it was gonna be $750,000. | ||
| I figured it out. | ||
| By the line producer. | ||
| And I was gonna take all the money I made for the 10 episodes, that is gonna be about 300, something like that. | ||
| Have all my savings, and I was gonna, I didn't told you yet, but I was gonna borrow 400 grand from you. | ||
| You hadn't told me yet? | ||
| I mean, I figured you would do it. | ||
| I would've given it to you. | ||
| I know you would've. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I know 100%. | ||
| That's why I was banking on it. | ||
| And I would've paid them, and I worked it off. | ||
| I would've paid you back, and I would've worked it off, and I would've said, hey everybody, Viacom has made it, so I am now broke, because I had to pay everybody, and I would've called their bluff, and they wouldn't, the other people wouldn't fucking do it. | ||
| We would've fucking won. | ||
| Yeah, those were nice. | ||
| But Roy Wood stepped in. | ||
| He asked me. | ||
| Roy Wood's a shit, though. | ||
| He is a shit. | ||
| He was like, hey, what's going on here? | ||
| He wasn't a cunt. | ||
| Luckily that he got it because he's such a cool motherfucker. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| He was like, hey, shut this down. | ||
| What the fuck are they doing? | ||
| And I was like, hey, dude, if you don't take it, a lot of comics aren't getting an opportunity to fucking shine. | ||
| He's perfect. | ||
| Someone has to. | ||
| He's perfect for that gig. | ||
| Yeah, he was perfect for that gig because you just want to help elevate that guy's signal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's cool as fuck. | ||
| And he's really funny. | ||
| He's really smart too, man. | ||
| One of the most underrated comics. | ||
| A definite crusher. | ||
| Like a crusher. | ||
| Like you have trouble following him kind of crusher. | ||
| Like it'll work you. | ||
| But like, doesn't quite get the credit that he deserves. | ||
| I'll tell you the most underrated comic in America. | ||
| Earthquake. | ||
| Earthquake crushes. | ||
| He's one of the best comics alive. | ||
| When you say the most, that makes an argument. | ||
| I think he's the best comic that he should be selling out arenas. | ||
| And a long career, too. | ||
| When J.B. Smoove and him, when I started doing Black Rooms and stuff a little bit, when they were both crushing to the point of crying and choking, J.B. Smoove is not doing stand-up anymore. | ||
| He's not? | ||
| No, he went acting route. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| He had a crushing career, but like... | ||
| Earthquake never stopped doing that. | ||
| Are you talking about a bombing story in front of J.B. Smooth? | ||
| Bombed in front of him? | ||
| Ever tell you this story? | ||
| No. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| I was in New Jersey. | ||
| We had this gig at a college, and it was a weird gig. | ||
| The college was in the middle of New Jersey where bears live and shit. | ||
| People don't realize that New Jersey, you think of New Jersey, you think of like... | ||
| Jersey Shore. | ||
| Yeah, or you think of Hackensack, like just out Hoboken. | ||
| Literally nobody thinks of Hackensack. | ||
| Okay, Hoboken. | ||
| Okay, I'll give you that. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I was really, I meant to say Hoboken, but I couldn't, didn't have it in the top of my head. | ||
| Well, even with that Charlie Murphy thing now. | ||
| Anyway, this is in the 90s, okay? | ||
| So when you would get a gig for like a college, I would literally be on the phone with the booking agency, it was probably like Barry Katz Company, Boston Comedy, and I would have a pad and a pen of paper. | ||
| And they would go, okay, you take this highway, To this exit, exit 35. Remember those days? | ||
| And then you go five miles and you go down this road for six miles and you take the right-hand turn to this street. | ||
| Good cigars, right? | ||
| Legit. | ||
| Shout out to Foundation Cigars. | ||
| They're legit. | ||
| They made like a legit, very good cigar. | ||
| It's a very good cigar with my logo on it. | ||
| But he explained it to me like how they made it and everything. | ||
| Anyway, so this gig in Jersey is fucking hard to find, man. | ||
| It's hard to find. | ||
| It's confusing as shit. | ||
| And I went with my girlfriend at the time, right? | ||
| So we take this drive. | ||
| We go all the way down there. | ||
| And then we go to this place. | ||
| It's in the middle of fucking nowhere. | ||
| And it was hard to find. | ||
| And we were on time, barely. | ||
| But we got there and JB hadn't made it there yet. | ||
| JB was the opening act. | ||
| So I say, well, what do you guys want to do? | ||
| They said, well, we'll just give it some time. | ||
| We'll wait for him to get here. | ||
| In the meantime, here's like our little rec room. | ||
| You can sit here. | ||
| You can watch TV or something. | ||
| So I was like 24, something like that. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| 23, 24. I was young and dumb and full of cum. | ||
| That's why my girlfriend was there. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Can't bring your girlfriend to comedy shows. | ||
| Young Comics, stop bringing your girlfriend to comedy shows. | ||
| Well, if she's cool, you could bring her. | ||
| Sit away from the other comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It depends. | |
| Until they get to know her. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| It depends on the person. | ||
| It depends on the relationship. | ||
| Anyway, in this case, it was a college gig. | ||
| Okay, that's fine. | ||
| You know, you'd show up like a mercenary, you'd do your job, and you'd drive two and a half hours home. | ||
| It was one of those gigs. | ||
| So, we're waiting. | ||
| And so I start watching TV, and I start watching this fucking show on the Malibu fires. | ||
| And it was so depressing. | ||
| It was so depressing. | ||
| There was this guy who was a fireman who was weeping, openly weeping, talking about how his house was just, like, miraculously spared, and then, like, maybe his neighbor's house was spared, and then, like, the guy across the street was gone, and five other houses were gone, and then two other houses. | ||
| You could see, like, this fire just, like, haphazard, just like the last fire. | ||
| They just, they jump, and embers land on roofs, and they light everything on fire, and then there's this little girl walking around, and she was calling out for her dog. | ||
| She's like, Rusty? | ||
| Where are you, Rusty? | ||
| Rusty? | ||
| And I'm sitting here so depressed. | ||
| And then the people walk in and go, well, JB isn't here, so we're just going to start with you. | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| I go... | ||
| When do you want to start? | ||
| They go, we're going to start now. | ||
| I'm like, oh no. | ||
| So I went on stage. | ||
| I have no respect this art form. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Well, they were kids. | ||
| They were kids. | ||
| They were my age or younger. | ||
| Younger. | ||
| Like I said, I was 23 or 24 and they were probably like 20. And they brought me in and they just, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joe Rogan. | ||
| And I go on stage and just choke. | ||
| I was so depressed. | ||
| I was so bummed out and I was so dumb that I would watch something super depressing. | ||
| Not just watch something super depressing, but take it in. | ||
| Take in this guy crying. | ||
| This guy was weeping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy was like, I saved up all my money. | |
| You felt? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This guy built this house with his bare hands. | ||
| And here's the thing about this guy that was so touching. | ||
| He didn't even lose his house. | ||
| He was sad that his neighbors lost his house. | ||
| He was sad that his house was still there and that he had survival guilt. | ||
| Because like three or four houses around him were gone. | ||
| And then this girl looking for her dog and I'm so bummed out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I just choked on shit. | |
| I bombed so hard, and I remember I could tell my girlfriend was so unattracted to me when I got off stage. | ||
| Oh yeah, you told me that early. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| For us, you can get lit. | ||
| You can just grab a girl like, you want to go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| But bomb, and your own girlfriend is like, hey, I gotta rethink this. | ||
| She was looking at me like, what was that? | ||
| I was like, what was that? | ||
| Jesus, I don't know. | ||
| I just choked. | ||
| I ate shit. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| I was saying the right jokes. | ||
| It's not like I forgot my jokes. | ||
| I just did not have any feeling. | ||
| And then, JB went up after me. | ||
| I go, is he here? | ||
| And I brought up JB Smooth and he murdered me. | ||
| So you couldn't even be like, it's not a good crowd? | ||
| I mean, he murdered! | ||
| He murdered! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was so loose. | |
| He used to crush. | ||
| And he was so late. | ||
| I mean, he showed up like 40 minutes. | ||
| Not everybody would have been late to this fucking ridiculous gig. | ||
| It was in the middle of the woods, man. | ||
| You couldn't get there. | ||
| It was so hard to find. | ||
| I don't remember what the university was, but it was... | ||
| Look, I was not getting like Rutgers. | ||
| I was getting like some shit universities. | ||
| I was a nobody. | ||
| I had no credits. | ||
| I had no credits. | ||
| I just did one NACA convention. | ||
| I got a few colleges, you know? | ||
| And so he went on afterwards and just murdered. | ||
| And I remember watching him going, God damn, he's funny. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He would do more with less words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like, you ever see a girl, her hair pulled back too tight? | |
| And then that was the setup. | ||
| And for the next four and a half minutes, five minutes, just go... | ||
| He was so likable. | ||
| He's so likable, like when he's doing his bits, you want to laugh at him. | ||
| Most underrated comics? | ||
| Earthquake. | ||
| Earthquake? | ||
| Number one. | ||
| Okay, but let's do a top five or something, or many that we know. | ||
| Earthquake's, in my opinion, Earthquake's number one, because I've seen Earthquake murder at the Comedy Store one night. | ||
| He never doesn't. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He never doesn't. | ||
| But it was like thunderous. | ||
| No one got a break. | ||
| No pause. | ||
| No pause. | ||
| Thunderous. | ||
| I saw him do five at Kim Whitley and Buddy Lewis' Black Room at the Ha Ha. | ||
| And just do five. | ||
| And just like, came on. | ||
| He was already well known in the black community. | ||
| I didn't know him, you know? | ||
| I didn't know Paul Mooney. | ||
| So it's like, I never even know him. | ||
| And then he's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| He's just like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom, boom. | |
| Earthquake. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Put the mic down on the stand and walked out. | ||
| Not even in the stand, on the stool. | ||
| Just go, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| Earthquake. | ||
| And it was like, blah! | ||
| It was so fucking cool! | ||
| Murderous. | ||
| I was like, that's the line? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, I don't even know if anybody's seen anybody touch that line. | ||
| He can murder as much as Joey Diaz killing on like a Wednesday night when he's high as fuck at the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Earthquake's... | |
| Earthquake? | ||
| Number one, underrated. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| We're talking about underrated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Roy Wood, I agree. | ||
| Roy Wood's very underrated. | ||
| I agree, those two. | ||
| I would say, even though he's known as a legend, I don't think he gets the respect that he deserves. | ||
| I think he's a number one comic in New York. | ||
| David Tell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He's respected high, but not as high as he is good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's respected amongst comics and amongst comedy fans. | ||
| Crushes new material constantly. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| Watching him, I saw Eddie Griffin and Mark Curry in the back when I was an employee at the store, watching Paul Mooney. | ||
| And I remember hearing them. | ||
| I forgot which one was there already. | ||
| The other one walked up. | ||
| They know each other, like both celebrities at the time. | ||
| And I'm like, what you doing? | ||
| And the other just goes watching the legend. | ||
| And they both just turned and watched him for 20 minutes. | ||
| Because he was. | ||
| He was a legend. | ||
| That's what we do with the tell. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We're just like, damn. | ||
| We learn how to, like, that's how you write a joke, okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Last time I worked with Attell was at the Improv, and it was not a big crowd. | ||
| It was a fairly small crowd. | ||
| I was doing a spot. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't think it was my show. | ||
| I think it was somebody else's show. | ||
| But it was a late night spot. | ||
| You know, it's like probably like 11.45 Attell goes up and just murders. | ||
| And we were sitting in the back. | ||
| It was, oh, that's right. | ||
| It was me and my friend Tom. | ||
| Tommy Hershko was there. | ||
| And we were in the back and he was murdering. | ||
| I mean, just straight up murdering. | ||
| And I was just thinking like, God, I don't see this guy enough. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So clever. | ||
| His joke writing is so on. | ||
| I don't even know how to describe it. | ||
| And he hates everything he does. | ||
| As soon as he does, like, oh, that joke's terrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But like, that was a crushing set. | ||
| And he's on such a high level that he can analyze. | ||
| Like, if you're a fourth grader writing a paper, you're like, it's a pretty good paper. | ||
| But a college professor would be like, that would be a terrible paper for me. | ||
| So he's operating on a level that a fourth grader wouldn't understand. | ||
| So you're like, that was a good joke. | ||
| It was a dumb switch! | ||
| Like, he'll break it down as his two, like... | ||
| Minor for him or something? | ||
| Part of what makes him great is that he doesn't appreciate himself. | ||
| It sounds so crazy, but it is true. | ||
| Makes him keep driving. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| That happens to a lot of people. | ||
| The more you don't appreciate yourself, the less you're likely to puff yourself up. | ||
| So the more you're likely to critique yourself, so the more you're likely to tighten everything up and make sure your bits are the best they could possibly be. | ||
| Anywhere you see him on your lineup, you're going to have a great night if you go. | ||
| He's one of the best of all time. | ||
| He's performing now. | ||
| But like, he'll do things too where like... | ||
| We're like, he'll tackle subjects that aren't, so a lot of comics, now that it's more easily able to film specials, they're like always forming your special, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Going towards a special. | ||
| But he's like, hey, here's a topical joke. | ||
| I got probably about a three-week run on this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because what I take as his theory, I don't know. | ||
| But he goes, it's my job as a comic to tackle this for three weeks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Until it's done. | ||
| It won't be on anything. | ||
| Right, but if you go to the cellar right after that happens and you see a tell, he'll have a bid on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's a guy that was the most imitated unconsciously. | ||
| I think some people did it consciously, but a lot of people were just doing it. | ||
| They didn't know why. | ||
| They just had a cadence that sounded like a tail. | ||
| He came to visit the store one week every... | ||
| Two years, and for the next month after that, all my new jokes were in a tell cadence. | ||
| I couldn't help it. | ||
| It just came out. | ||
| There's a lot of guys like that. | ||
| I had a problem with Richard Jenny like that, and when I first started out, I was imitating Richard Jenny. | ||
| He's a dead fuck, too. | ||
| I didn't know him like I knew Charlie, so I could accept you saying that. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| Brody, for sure. | ||
| Brody, for sure. | ||
| Super underrated. | ||
| No, Brody in terms of imitatable. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| So, yes! | ||
| I'd have David Taylor from the back. | ||
| We would do this with each other. | ||
| Actually, he just did it for me. | ||
| If I started talking like Brody, he would interrupt me. | ||
| I'd ask him to. | ||
| Just go, you're doing Brody! | ||
| Like in the middle of a set. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And stop. | ||
| Who else is underrated? | ||
| It's a tough one because it's not like who's good. | ||
| There's so much media now. | ||
| Yeah, Chappelle's not underrated, right? | ||
| Right, no. | ||
| So it's like who's underrated. | ||
| How can you be underrated when people think you're the GOAT? Who's underrated? | ||
| It's mostly low-level comics who don't have the name yet. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's mostly people on the come up. | ||
| Yeah, it's mostly people on the way up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if we find them, we'll broadcast them. | ||
| That's one of the cool things about our group, at least. | ||
| Like, when we find someone who's really good, we don't suppress a fucking thing. | ||
| That's one of the saddest things when you meet a comic who suppresses whether or not someone's good or not, and they try to pretend someone's not that good when you know they're a murderer. | ||
| I try to post, I'm always looking for like, I have this problem with Instagram. | ||
| I'm off Twitter, but on Instagram, I'm like, I don't want to do anything serious. | ||
| I feel like it's lame. | ||
| It's a comic to do something serious. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I'm like, how can I promote those, those tour posters are a good way to promote and be funny. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And so, like, how can I fill content on there? | ||
| And one way I figured it out is I'll just post funny comics clips on my Instagram. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Takes up time. | ||
| People who follow me are like, oh, that's funny. | ||
| Thank you for this funny thing. | ||
| And then you can promote somebody. | ||
| I do a lot of that just to encourage people. | ||
| Oh, you're the best at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're the best at it. | ||
| I like to encourage. | ||
| Well, I have a crazy platform. | ||
| You do? | ||
| I feel like I have an obligation. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| And it's weird, man. | ||
| The obligation's very weird. | ||
| The responsibilities that come with it are very strange. | ||
| But you doing that? | ||
| You promoting comics and stuff? | ||
| I mean, it's a joke, writing Joe Rogan's coattails, but you've helped all of us a ton. | ||
| So it's like, that's your tithing. | ||
| That's your giving back to charity. | ||
| You don't believe in the Catholic Church. | ||
| You believe in the Catholic Church of comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| So, like, let me donate to comedy by having on Ali McCas. | ||
| Somebody new on this podcast would be like, let me push you up. | ||
| Brian Simpson the other day. | ||
| Brian Simpson. | ||
| Brian Simpson was up and coming. | ||
| It was fantastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| I've seen him. | ||
| He's funny. | ||
| He's funny as fuck, dude. | ||
| Is he living here now or back in LA? He goes back and forth. | ||
| Okay, great. | ||
| Once we open up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Woo! | ||
| He's going to do the Netflix half hours the next year. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's very, very good. | ||
| He's got massive potential. | ||
| He's a 10-year guy. | ||
| So he's 10 years in. | ||
| That's the exact time. | ||
| Yep, yep, yep. | ||
| Matured. | ||
| Got his act down. | ||
| Got his delivery down. | ||
| Got his confidence down. | ||
| Those guys are the best when they're unfounded 10 years because you get to finish cooking. | ||
| The seven years when they get discovered too early, it's like, oh, you weren't done. | ||
| You got taken out of the oven too fast. | ||
| If you do a special at five years, you're fucked. | ||
| Yeah, and then you think you're good. | ||
| Then people will watch that special and go, yuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, the first time I got on MTV, I think I'd been doing comedy for five years. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| It's not that good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Somebody's got to find that. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
| Can you find that? | ||
| People can find it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
| Yeah, it's not very good. | ||
| Oh, so cute, though. | ||
| Full head of hair. | ||
| Full head of hair, 170 pounds. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's the old Joe Rogan headshot. | ||
| Can you bring that up? | ||
| It's so slim. | ||
| I mean, your face is completely different. | ||
| I don't know what makes a head grow that big, but something. | ||
| Testosterone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| And a lot of lifting weights. | ||
| I was going to say it, but yeah. | ||
| A lot of lifting weights. | ||
| And then a lot of just mass. | ||
| When I lost weight, though, when I... That's me. | ||
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| The same size shirt you wear now. | ||
| Yeah, basically. | ||
| It's just draping off you. | ||
| So you gotta realize, this is like 93? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 92 or 93? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't give me any volume. | ||
| Shut that off. | ||
| Turn that off now. | ||
| I'll fucking projectile vomit on Ari's stupid shirt. | ||
| Dude, I have worse shit. | ||
| I have some shit that I found. | ||
| I have some VHS tapes for me just starting out. | ||
| I was like 1989. Oh, it's so bad. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| The problem is if you put them up, it's going to be a lot of like, oh, you're awful, which is fine. | ||
| It'll hurt, but also you're right. | ||
| But then also, this is what'll hurt more. | ||
| You get like, I kind of liked it. | ||
| No! | ||
| It's the worst comment. | ||
| I had a couple good jokes. | ||
| I had a couple good bits. | ||
| You were good enough to get on TV. It wasn't like you had nothing, nothing. | ||
| It's just you're looking back at it from where you are now to there. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't selling out arenas. | ||
| I wasn't even thinking I was ever going to. | ||
| You were so small. | ||
| Well, that was when I was, you've got to realize, I was just retiring from fighting. | ||
| When I fought, I fought the last fights I had, the kickboxing fights, were at 160 pounds. | ||
| 160? | ||
| That's so svelte. | ||
| That's Burt Kreischer weight. | ||
| Well, I didn't lift any weights back then. | ||
| That's me when I was on Hardball. | ||
| That was the first year that I was on television. | ||
| You had the first Joker tattoo already. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I got that when I was 20. 20 or 21. That's me in... | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, I was going to say 93, I think. | |
| That's around the same time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Say 93? | ||
| 94. 1994. There you go. | ||
| I was happy. | ||
| I was super happy. | ||
| Yeah, I like that tattoo. | ||
| That's dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| Who did that? | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| This guy in Montanita. | ||
| This dude I saw, we just rented a car and just did loops around Ecuador. | ||
| There's Amazon, mountains, and beach. | ||
| Three very different regions run by different indigenous people and different cultures and stuff. | ||
| So I bought a t-shirt from him. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this t-shirt is really cool. | ||
| A bunch of Shuar warriors. | ||
| And he goes, I made it. | ||
| That's my t-shirt. | ||
| I designed it. | ||
| I was like, oh, fucking red. | ||
| Then later, I was like, listen, I thought I might be here a month. | ||
| I've been here five and a half months. | ||
| I should get a tattoo of this place, of this experience. | ||
| It was so freeing, dude. | ||
| Oh, man, I wish we could have. | ||
| It was so freeing. | ||
| Some people visited you. | ||
| Joe List and Sarah visited me. | ||
| A lot of people said they would. | ||
| Joe List and Sarah visited me. | ||
| Who said they wouldn't but didn't? | ||
| Let's shame them. | ||
| Shame is the right one. | ||
| It's Shame Gillis. | ||
| Shame Gillis. | ||
| Why has that never crossed my mind before? | ||
| Shame Gillis. | ||
| Shame Gillis. | ||
| Because he was drinking. | ||
| Photoshoppers, start your work. | ||
| Shame Gillis. | ||
| He was drinking those Bud Lights and he got sleepy. | ||
| Yeah, he said he was going to come and then he started getting a hell of road work. | ||
| Oh, well, it's hard to judge him on that. | ||
| I mean, the kid got canceled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fair. | |
| I'm the one who tipped off that reporter, too. | ||
| What if that's secretly just trying to get ahead by doing that? | ||
| It's for your own good, Shane. | ||
| SNL's not for you. | ||
| Gillian Keeves. | ||
| Guys, go YouTube. | ||
| Gillian Keeves is one of the very best sketch shows that has ever existed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We watched them. | |
| Our friends. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| Even my Normcore friends. | ||
| So good. | ||
| Even my Normcore friends. | ||
| There's a new Gillian Keeves. | ||
| I don't know what his schedule is. | ||
| The Trump speed dating thing is fucking brilliant. | ||
| The new one, the Sibian dad, the OnlyFans dad. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a great one. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's good. | ||
| Dude, you know in the Trump dating one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The chick at the end, the Republican chick who really likes him? | ||
| That's my social media manager. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Kyla. | |
| You know what's really funny, man? | ||
| Yeah, that's just who she really is. | ||
| It's literally some of the best sketch comedy that I've ever seen in my life, and he's free. | ||
| No rules, just right. | ||
| Because there's no rules. | ||
| He can say whatever he wants. | ||
| Make him a bid. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| And SNL, I swear to God, it's better this way. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| It's better to do this. | ||
| It's going to take more time for people to see him, but you saw the pop that he got the other night at Vulcan when he went on? | ||
| Jesus Christ, they go crazy. | ||
| It's better this way. | ||
| It would be nice if it's not like him deciding, hey, I don't want to do this. | ||
| It's unfair. | ||
| Like they say, he'll do great, but he could have taken over that show. | ||
| Did you see when Norm Macdonald went after SNL? Norm Macdonald went after SNL and he posted a clip of Gillian Keeves, a genius clip, and he said, this is better than anything that SNL's done. | ||
| And he put this up, you fucking idiots, you lost this guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, Norm Macdonald did that. | ||
| I don't think Norm wanted to lose him. | ||
| Norm Macdonald, he didn't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shane was talking about it. | ||
| Look, it was out of their hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody was going crazy. | |
| You're saying shame now casually. | ||
| He just said it. | ||
| All they refer to him as Shane Gillis. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| Everybody loves Shay. | ||
| It kind of bummed me out, though, because there was a moment on the podcast where he said that he was hoping that I was going to come and save him. | ||
| He said, I was hoping I was going to come and have him on my podcast. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| You know, why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because this is a giant platform that people that start comics, starting comics, are like, this is the thing to get. | ||
| I mean, I told somebody, I saw one of my openers from Cap City a long time ago. | ||
| Might have opened for my special, I don't know, but like... | ||
| He was waiting in town for it. | ||
| I was like, I'm just hanging out. | ||
| I'm going to do Rogue. | ||
| He goes, congratulations. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I was on episode two. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| He was there back in 2009. You were on those ones that we used to do in the green room. | ||
| Remember when Joey Diaz would get mad at us? | ||
| Shut the fucking laptop! | ||
| Shut the fucking thing off! | ||
| What are you doing, cocksucker? | ||
| If we just knew then, all we had to do to calm Diaz down is just give him some coke. | ||
| We should've just brought coke with us. | ||
| Well, or edibles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he was getting off the coke then. | ||
| Those days, the 2009 days were Joey Diaz coke days. | ||
| People see old clips of him and you go, why is he so angry? | ||
| You don't understand what it's like when someone's on coke or quitting coke. | ||
| Quitting anything. | ||
| They're maniacs. | ||
| And Joey was just a beautiful soul trapped in the body of a person who's addicted to cocaine. | ||
| Joey's one of the nicest fucking people I've ever met in my life. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| I visit him. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I love him to death. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| And people, you know, they don't... | ||
| Who doesn't? | ||
| I mean, maybe some people don't, but I think those people don't know him. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He doesn't even get the backlash shit. | ||
| I don't even think he gets it. | ||
| He got a little of it when that bit came out, when a segment of the podcast where he was joking around about something. | ||
| They just don't understand his humor. | ||
| Like, he exaggerates. | ||
| Everything's an exaggeration and not real. | ||
| It's like gonzo journalism. | ||
| They asked me, too, is that a real story sometimes with his stuff? | ||
| They're like, is that real? | ||
| I'm like, you're concentrating on the wrong thing. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You're fact-checking a novel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Just go enjoy it. | ||
| You're not going to enjoy it. | ||
| But the thing is, you don't know that if you're on the outside and you just see a clip. | ||
| You go, oh, that guy's a piece of shit. | ||
| And I'm a piece of shit for laughing at him. | ||
| Because the joke was... | ||
| You could punch a tranny. | ||
| It's like, come on, dude. | ||
| He's never punched a transsexual. | ||
| All that stuff. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It was worse than that. | ||
| Don't even. | ||
| Don't even. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was genius. | ||
| His bit that he did about taking a Vicodin and a girl with one leg sucked his dick and he shot a nut in her eye and she got dizzy from the Vicodin... | ||
| Oh, I didn't know it was that one. | ||
| That's a funny one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so ridiculous. | |
| That's a funny one. | ||
| He told that to Tom and Christina, and you can see, like, Christina's like, she's on your mom's house, and Tom is howling, laughing. | ||
| Tom looks like a cherry. | ||
| He's so red from laughing and holding his breath. | ||
| He looks like a cherry. | ||
| Joey's just a classic human being. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I tell the story a million times, but one of the reasons why I started taking three people on the road with me... | ||
| You gonna piss again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, tell it, because this is how I got into the fuck... | ||
| Any help from you, I got from Joey Diaz's habits. | ||
| Yeah, Joey Diaz was so... | ||
| He was so crazy back then. | ||
| Do you need a new jug? | ||
| I don't want you pissing over my carpet. | ||
| These mobile bottles, dude, they're fucking huge. | ||
| It's 64 ounces. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| That's what I piss most times. | ||
| Oh, look, Ari's dick again. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Listen, can you hear it? | ||
| Spotify, does that offend you? | ||
| Well, then listen to those rap lyrics, which I love, by the way. | ||
| I don't hate the rap lyrics. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| But if you're playing NWA and you're mad at me, Anyway, Joey was unreliable. | ||
| Not always, but a certain percentage of the time. | ||
| We did a lot of gigs together. | ||
| But he wouldn't give you notice. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I'll never forget the one time that I talked to him. | ||
| He was supposed to be in New Jersey, and he said he was going to be there the first day, but something happened. | ||
| He got fucked up. | ||
| He got lost, and something happened. | ||
| I'll be there tomorrow. | ||
| I'll see you tomorrow. | ||
| And then the next day, I'm on the phone with him. | ||
| Five minutes before the show, he goes, I'm not going to lie to you, dog. | ||
| I never left Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You You've been lying to me! | |
| He knew I loved him. | ||
| He knew I loved him. | ||
| So what I said was, okay, what I'm gonna do is... | ||
| This is crazy what you're about to say. | ||
| As a boss, this is crazy. | ||
| I said, instead of having one opening act, I'll just have two opening acts. | ||
| That way, if Joey doesn't show up, I always have an opening act. | ||
| You'll have at least one. | ||
| Well, I was like, I'm going to bring my friends because I've done the whole thing on the road before. | ||
| In the business world, that would be like, hey, you're showing up drunk and I can't trust you. | ||
| I'm not going to fire you. | ||
| I'll hire another person so now I have two employees doing the same job. | ||
| No, he's a genius. | ||
| He's a genius and he taught me some very important things about comedy just from hanging around with him. | ||
| He taught me about economy of words. | ||
| And I knew about it as a concept, but I could see about it and just his understanding of how to tell a joke and how to tell a story. | ||
| He didn't have any... | ||
| There was no fluff. | ||
| He knew you had a short attention span. | ||
| He wasn't doing moth stories. | ||
| He was doing does not happening stories. | ||
| He was coming at you guns blazing. | ||
| And also, he was so... | ||
| Some people say they don't give a fuck. | ||
| Joey Diaz embodied it. | ||
| A fuck. | ||
| Embodied it. | ||
| Didn't give any fucks. | ||
| Go with him or not. | ||
| It's up to you. | ||
| Enjoy it or get lost. | ||
| Either way, it's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha! | |
| When he would laugh like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| He'd do something crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He'd stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| He was just so happy. | ||
| And happy that he was loved. | ||
| There's a thing about Joey and me is that Joey knew unconditionally that I love him. | ||
| And he knew it didn't matter. | ||
| No matter what crazy shit he did, I was never going to go, hey man, I can't fuck with you anymore. | ||
| There was never that possibility. | ||
| So he could always be free. | ||
| I always would try to help him. | ||
| He would yell at you to your face. | ||
| He was one of the few people who relied on you for money. | ||
| Not relied on you, but you gave him money. | ||
| You gave all of us money. | ||
| If you're like, hey, let's go downstairs in 10 minutes. | ||
| Be down there in 10 minutes. | ||
| And you took your time. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It's not my favorite quality, but you took your time. | ||
| And then 30 minutes later, you weren't down there. | ||
| You're like, oh, sorry, I had to do this and this. | ||
| He goes, don't fucking leave me down there like an asshole! | ||
| You say 20, 10 minutes? | ||
| Be there in 10 minutes! | ||
| And I'm like, dude, he's not gonna... | ||
| But you would never not... | ||
| You would be like, sorry. | ||
| That wasn't cool. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| He would get tense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He always had a short fuse. | ||
| But when he said that, it's like, I know people like him. | ||
| He doesn't not love you. | ||
| And he knew that I always loved him. | ||
| That was part of our relationship. | ||
| So when Joey was unreliable, I was like, there's a couple of gigs where I didn't have an opening act. | ||
| And one of them was in Phoenix. | ||
| We hired that dude who was on Walking Dead. | ||
| Josh... | ||
| McDermott. | ||
| Josh McDermott, who wound up being that guy on Walking Dead, who was a liar, remember? | ||
| Pretending to be a scientist? | ||
| Brilliant, brilliant. | ||
| Funny comic, too. | ||
| I don't know if he's still doing comedy anymore. | ||
| Did he stop? | ||
| Got a hit show, right? | ||
| No, that's why you started bringing me. | ||
| I got that role. | ||
| So I said, okay, I'm going to start bringing two opening acts. | ||
| Which, at the time, I wasn't making that much money on the road. | ||
| Nobody brings an emcee. | ||
| You bring just the feature. | ||
| And not everyone did that back then. | ||
| You gave us a raise? | ||
| You were giving us $150, which, I mean, I should be making $50 a show to MC. You were giving me $150, like, now you're a headliner, which I've tried to do myself for people. | ||
| You were like, hey, you're getting $150, you're a headliner, you should get headline money. | ||
| And then at some point, I was at Pink Dot when I got the call. | ||
| You go, hey, no, never asked for it. | ||
| You just go, hey, I realize that wasn't fair, you're getting $250 now. | ||
| So it's an extra fucking $500 a week for like... | ||
| I was already getting paid well. | ||
| Yeah, but when we were doing, like, Thursday through Sunday, it's nice you go home with a few grand. | ||
| Dude, I wouldn't touch my wallet the whole time. | ||
| Yeah, oh, that was nice. | ||
| Segura's first time coming. | ||
| He's like, let me pay you. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, no, Tom, you can try. | ||
| You're not going to be able to do it. | ||
| Like, if you go to Starbucks on your own, you can pay, and that's about it. | ||
| Well, it was great. | ||
| I tried to pass it down. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It's a good quality, and I think Tom passes it down. | ||
| I think most guys who we took on the road, they did pass that down. | ||
| They do treat their opening acts very well. | ||
| And they do also try to pump each other up, like have funny people on their shows. | ||
| And that's one of the beautiful things about podcasts. | ||
| We've said this ad nauseum, but it's true. | ||
| We're not competitive with each other. | ||
| We help each other. | ||
| It's an organic network. | ||
| Everybody supports everybody. | ||
| There's these guys who do Are You Garbage? | ||
| It's a podcast. | ||
| They just ask questions to find out if you're a garbage person or not. | ||
| It's a great theme because you end up telling stories like, have you ever microwaved eggs? | ||
| Shit like that where you wouldn't have told this story before. | ||
| It gets you thinking of new stuff. | ||
| And I'm like, fun thing. | ||
| I know my name carries some weight, so let me be on there. | ||
| And so did Sodor. | ||
| So did all these people. | ||
| Now they're bigger. | ||
| Now if I got to promote something, I now have just self-serving. | ||
| It wasn't the reason for it, but I'm like, I now have a big platform that I can go on. | ||
| Of course, helping each other just helps ourselves. | ||
| It helps everybody. | ||
| And it helps everybody if you have good people on because then people go, oh, I want to tune into Ari's show. | ||
| He has some great guests. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So it helps them because they get promoted by your podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it helps you because your podcast looks good. | ||
| And that's my approach. | ||
| My approach was always, like, have the coolest, funniest, best people on and promote them. | ||
| So did Seinfeld, so did Conan. | ||
| This is a way of success through raising other people up. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it feels good, man. | ||
| When other people do really well, it actually feels good. | ||
| Because your... | ||
| Partially, like, that's my thing. | ||
| I made that. | ||
| No, you helped. | ||
| Helped! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Helped is nice. | |
| So you get to take some of the... | ||
| It wasn't just like it happened completely without me. | ||
| It's like, your help's like, hey, some of the work I put in there, if you're a grip on a movie that wins an Oscar, you're like, I helped with that. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| Okay, I guess that, yeah. | ||
| But the most I thought of it is just... | ||
| Look, I fucking love comedy, man. | ||
| I've always loved comedy. | ||
| Did I tell you what I saw when I was on Ayahuasca? | ||
| Did I tell you about that? | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| I went to the jungle. | ||
| Did it fun. | ||
| It was weird and interesting. | ||
| Heard about it. | ||
| We were like, we're going to do it eventually, but let's wait until it's offered to us, I guess, or until it comes. | ||
| Until the universe calls you. | ||
| Sort of, but we should do it here. | ||
| It's the Amazon. | ||
| We keep going to the Amazon every month or so. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| There was some shaman lady and a Far outside one of the main towns in the Amazon, about an hour and a half away. | ||
| Had to cross a bridge to get there. | ||
| Met this shaman. | ||
| Her son was training to be a shaman. | ||
| Just this fucking headdress with a monkey skull on it. | ||
| And a jaguar skin drum that they would beat. | ||
| Jaguar skin? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who killed a jaguar? | ||
| His uncle. | ||
| The guy's training uncle. | ||
| So the shaman's brother. | ||
| Or brother-in-law. | ||
| So, you know, have you done it? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you done regular DMT? Once and I didn't get there. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Which is, as I say it out loud, that's a moronic thing that I haven't done it more. | ||
| But, it's not that people haven't given it to me. | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| I just always want to set aside time. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| I'm going to do it. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Yeah, it's scary. | ||
| It's part of what it is. | ||
| It's like you disappear. | ||
| People ask me about mushrooms, because I promote mushrooms a lot. | ||
| Shroom Fest this year, August 21st to 23rd, it's an excuse to do mushrooms. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| August 21st to 23rd. | ||
| Or it's a celebration of mushrooms. | ||
| Celebration of mushrooms. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| People all over the world are doing it. | ||
| But people are like, I'm scared. | ||
| I'm like, I'm scared. | ||
| Like, what do you mean? | ||
| How many times have you done it? | ||
| I'm like, a hundred? | ||
| They're like, aren't you scared? | ||
| I'm scared every time. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| I've done DMT, I don't know, somewhere less than ten times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| More than seven, less than ten. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| But every time I do it, I'm white knuckled. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fucking terrified. | ||
| Terrified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Terrified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because you can't escape. | ||
| You're losing control. | ||
| You can't escape truth. | ||
| It's taking you where you want. | ||
| So this guy, they have this familiar who like really loves the- Like a vampire familiar? | ||
| Like that. | ||
| That's what I call it, that. | ||
| So he's not that. | ||
| He's done ayahuasca in this community. | ||
| I'm not going to say names, but he's done it there. | ||
| And he just wants to spread the idea of it. | ||
| So he finds people, like, hey, come, and we'll do whatever. | ||
| So he's told me some stories. | ||
| He goes, his son took it, 19 years old. | ||
| Oh, let me actually say this one second. | ||
| They had a Sicario went and did it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Hitman. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Seeing whatever he's seeing on ayahuasca and just, he said, punching the ground. | ||
| Screaming. | ||
| Crying. | ||
| Because there's all this stress, this trauma to work out. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| The lives that he's taken has hit him for the first time. | ||
| And then when he's finished, he comes back. | ||
| He goes, hey, I'm done with that life. | ||
| I'm not doing that anymore. | ||
| They won't let me leave, so I have to disappear. | ||
| That's a new life now, but I can't go back to it. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Another one was a guy was dating a woman. | ||
| The guy never wanted kids. | ||
| The woman did. | ||
| It was always a sticking point in their relationship. | ||
| They loved each other. | ||
| It was a sticking point. | ||
| Every six months or so would pop up. | ||
| You kind of know these arguments, right? | ||
| They're never going to go away because it's their butting heads. | ||
| But then he was like, oh, we're having a great time. | ||
| Put it back away. | ||
| Then every six months a year would pop up again. | ||
| Ayahuasca, he realized on this, he goes, oh, we're just not right for each other. | ||
| He goes, 10 years later, he and the girl with her new husband and kids are good friends. | ||
| They're fine. | ||
| He said his kid, this familiar, 19, took the ayahuasca, was just kind of like, he had no trauma to work out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just had a good time. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| They take you down there. | ||
| They say, don't eat for a day before. | ||
| We had a light dinner before. | ||
| Rice and a banana. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| The morning, nothing. | ||
| They take you to a waterfall. | ||
| The waterfall is a spirit of cleansing. | ||
| These are Kichwa people. | ||
| So all waterfalls, but there's one nearby. | ||
| And so you feel the energy being taken away from you. | ||
| They say it washes away the bad, keeps the good, and the bad washes away down the river. | ||
| And then just kind of relax all day till it's sunset, till it's nightfall. | ||
| He asked us ahead of time, what drugs have you taken? | ||
| In like a broken Spanish. | ||
| My partner's Spanish. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| But broken. | ||
| His Spanish wasn't that good. | ||
| What did he speak? | ||
| What does that sound like? | ||
| It's different. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not based on any Spanish. | ||
| They have like a slang, which Spanish has come into it, but there's no written language in Quechua. | ||
| So anything written down is like, that's in the last hundred years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know? | ||
| My name means yes in Spanish. | ||
| In Quechua. | ||
| Ari means yes. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Every time they're like, what's your name? | ||
| Brody. | ||
| Like Ari. | ||
| Think of Brody. | ||
| Ari? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I heard it. | ||
| So they lead you from a hut that you're staying down. | ||
| They stop. | ||
| They go, stop, listen to the insects in the river. | ||
| He goes, that's going to be amplified soon. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He comes and the woman, the shaman, wears this headdress and she beats you with these leaves and rubs this... | ||
| Says whatever chant she says and rubs a stone all over you. | ||
| Gives you the ayahuasca. | ||
| Tastes like fucking ass. | ||
| Tastes like whatever's left in this ashtray. | ||
| And you just drink it down. | ||
| They say, your partner is on the other side of the fire. | ||
| You're on this side of the fire. | ||
| You don't talk. | ||
| He's having his trip. | ||
| You're having your trip. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You might throw up because the ayahuasca doesn't make a trip. | ||
| The ayahuasca takes everything out of you. | ||
| And then the Chacruna was the... | ||
| Oh, it's a different drug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So ayahuasca clears you unless a chacruna, in this case, do it. | ||
| They showed me where the ayahuasca came from. | ||
| Planted 80 years before they planted it. | ||
| So, drank it. | ||
| I'm laying there on a mat. | ||
| It's just like a thin, thin mat next to this fire in this like hut hut. | ||
| I'm a bit worried about like anacondas and jaguars and stuff, but like... | ||
| So she says, the shaman says, I'm your mother here. | ||
| The ayahuasca, the root, is your grandmother. | ||
| My son, who's training to be a shaman, he is your brother. | ||
| And the fire is your ancestors. | ||
| So I drank it. | ||
| He said, stare at the fire for about five minutes, then go lay down. | ||
| My partner started throwing up. | ||
| Ten minutes in. | ||
| Going to the edge. | ||
| There's two entrances to the thing. | ||
| Throw it up. | ||
| I just wasn't coming. | ||
| It wasn't coming. | ||
| A little bit of like a light cap and a stem mushroom feel. | ||
| For about... | ||
| I don't know, an hour and a half or so. | ||
| And then I started getting nauseous, but I'm trying to choke it down, like, don't, don't. | ||
| And then it hit me like, oh, I think I'm supposed to, like, supposed to throw up. | ||
| So I kind of, like, pitch black, I mean, away from the fire, went to the edge, and then, like, you know how you can, like, sort of, like, and then barfed, like, a little bit, and then just unloaded. | ||
| I was afraid it would be like retching and retching. | ||
| It wasn't that. | ||
| Just like unloaded. | ||
| And then he's right there, the shaman's like trainee son with a bowl of water. | ||
| He goes, swish around, don't drink it. | ||
| And he goes, are you having visions? | ||
| Dude, I don't know how he was... | ||
| I don't know how he was communicating with me, to be honest, because I barely speak Spanish, and he barely speaks Spanish. | ||
| Enough. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| He was like, are you having visions? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, they're more kind of mental, like mental mushrooms. | ||
| And he goes, okay, go back, be strong. | ||
| I don't know how he was conveying this to me. | ||
| But he was like, okay, go be strong. | ||
| Go lay down there and you have to be strong. | ||
| So then it just opened up. | ||
| So more than an hour and a half in? | ||
| More than an hour and a half in. | ||
| Of a seven hour trip. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it took a while. | ||
| The partner was going immediately. | ||
| But like... | ||
| I see these, like, fractals and, like, geometric shapes and occasional, like, splashes of... | ||
| And this is the thatch roof of the hut, right? | ||
| So nothing's there. | ||
| And an occasional, like, real splash of, like, vivid neon light And then I started seeing these like orbs kind of like going up into the fractals. | ||
| And then the more I look forward and back, I'm on my back, the more I look forward, backwards, side to side, there's just hundreds or thousands of these orbs, these small orbs going up into the fractals and just sort of like playing with each other. | ||
| These orbs, they were kind of like had a life to them. | ||
| So, like, and then at some point, from me comes this orb and sort of, like, goes up. | ||
| And then I started examining what the orbs are. | ||
| So, look, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know about any of this stuff. | ||
| But this is just what it gave me. | ||
| I don't know, you know, same as mushrooms. | ||
| I don't know if it's just scientific or if it's, like, another realm, whatever. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The orbs were, I call it when you pure something, when you pure it. | ||
| To me, they were moments of pure artistic expression. | ||
| You ever have a set or a roll where you're like, I hit every fucking move? | ||
| You get in the zone. | ||
| In the zone, sure. | ||
| You pureed it. | ||
| In golf, Jamie, you might know, it's like when you fucking hit one and you're just like fucking up, but you're like, I can't hit the green from here. | ||
| You do see it go perfectly and bounce. | ||
| And it's just a pure moment Of artistic expression. | ||
| And generally, when I see that, it makes me cry. | ||
| When I listen to Nevermind, I tear up. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You ever hear that album where you're like, oh, this is... | ||
| They nailed it. | ||
| They nailed it. | ||
| Cigar de Familia in Barcelona. | ||
| This church that's being built still. | ||
| It's a 200-year plan to build the perfect church. | ||
| St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And you see it. | ||
| Stunning. | ||
| And I went in there and I just started weeping. | ||
| You started crying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, I don't know. | ||
| It's just like, it's overwhelmingly perfect. | ||
| It's art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Other moments, I was at the, it didn't have to be big moments. | ||
| It could be small moments. | ||
| I was at the Haunted Ride at Disney. | ||
| Back in LA. And I was with some chick, and I was like, some guy was like, right this way, sir. | ||
| He's playing the role, whatever. | ||
| And then he left to go greet the next car as we were slowly moving forward. | ||
| And then I was like, oh, that guy was creepy, right? | ||
| And then he was back on me, just going, what did you say? | ||
| Just frightened me. | ||
| And I'm like, that guy nailed it. | ||
| In that moment, we were both fucking jumped. | ||
| He fucking nailed it. | ||
| He pured it. | ||
| And what you want in those moments... | ||
| You did it, right? | ||
| You made this thing, and that's the orb. | ||
| And what you want is to make it, for sure. | ||
| What you also want is some recognition. | ||
| You want someone to say, like, if you hit that golf shot, you look around, like if you're playing by yourself, and somebody in the next seat is like, dude, fucking nice one. | ||
| You're like, yes, thank you. | ||
| You saw it. | ||
| You saw it. | ||
| And so, there's been two things I've gotten that way. | ||
| Two things that I've had that I'm like, I pured it. | ||
| One was that storytelling show. | ||
| This is not happening. | ||
| I just think it was like... | ||
| I mean, I don't want to talk about myself, but it was cool. | ||
| You nailed it. | ||
| It was a way for other comics to show themselves. | ||
| No, you did. | ||
| I can express it for you. | ||
| You did an amazing thing. | ||
| And those opening sequences where you'd have these animated fight scenes and shit, they were awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were cool. | |
| They just made it cool and fun to watch. | ||
| And let people go, hey, we're not going to censor you. | ||
| We want you to do your thing. | ||
| Your fucking strip club in the woods story is like these moments that I'm also allowing other people to like. | ||
| So I figured out my orbs, what I do is, Make stuff myself and then also give a chance for other people to make theirs. | ||
| It's one of my things I like making. | ||
| You have the same thing. | ||
| We like having other people make their things. | ||
| It's one of your art forms is allowing other people to make their art. | ||
| Another one was this last hour I did. | ||
| The Jew Hour. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was really fucking... | ||
| It was good. | ||
| And so it had bothered me at the time. | ||
| I wasn't able to make it as special. | ||
| But I was able in that moment to go... | ||
| But I made it. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| You know, I made a really fucking, really mindful, kind of perfect thing. | ||
| And yeah, maybe, whatever happened, like, I wasn't able to make, like, millions of people saw it, but like, thousands of people saw it. | ||
| Maybe 150,000 people saw it live, you know? | ||
| But like, I made it. | ||
| And I cried hard for that, for this not happening. | ||
| Not so much for the loss, but for like, For like when I was able to I was able to step back and go like it's done now I made it and it hit me like oh damn dude that was fucking good and I just kind of said goodbye to it and that orb went up and and played for eternity every time you do something like artistically pure like that and nail it you pure it those things are up there | ||
| in the heavens in the whatever They're playing with each other. | ||
| All the forms, the guy at Disney, the guy who made the Basilica, fucking Kurt Cobain, never mind, not Kurt Cobain, never mind, is up there playing with each other, enjoying each other's company forever. | ||
| And I saw myself in 50 years dead and the orbs are still playing. | ||
| And I'm decaying and the orbs are still playing. | ||
| They'll be there forever. | ||
| And I was able to sort of like put that behind me and say I'll move on to my next thing because what I want to do is I want to make things. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I want to make another orb. | ||
| And that's kind of all I want to do now. | ||
| Is just make another thing. | ||
| And I won't always get there. | ||
| But even if you fail, even if you're like, ah, that set was still still. | ||
| You know it's getting you closer to a fucking perfect set. | ||
| And sometimes it's just a 15 minute set at the fucking whatever club. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Governors or some shit. | ||
| Where it's like, oh, I fucking nailed it. | ||
| Sometimes it's a 10 minute pop in. | ||
| That earthquake thing that I saw at the Ha Ha, that was one. | ||
| Because there was some kid, some young one-year comic watching that going like, oh my god. | ||
| He fucking pured it in that moment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you wanted someone to fucking notice it once in a while. | ||
| You just, you do. | ||
| Cried, let that shit go, and then kind of came back a little bit. | ||
| That was probably a two-hour period. | ||
| And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm back a little in this wave, you know, still tripping. | ||
| And I was like, oh. | ||
| Okay, the fire's there. | ||
| I remember the shaman, she was like, well, that's their ancestors. | ||
| So I was like, let me see if I can... | ||
| Talk to the dead. | ||
| So I was like, my grandma, I'll talk to her. | ||
| So I went and I stared at the fire, like a log, like a, you know, chopped up log seat, you know. | ||
| I sat in it and stared. | ||
| I couldn't get her, my grandma. | ||
| I tried and tried, but I couldn't get her. | ||
| And then I was like my softer from fucking, my dad's mom from Israel, from Pertifo, who ran the family. | ||
| She'll have wisdom. | ||
| And I was like, stare at that fire. | ||
| And I just, I couldn't get her. | ||
| Both my grandfathers, I wasn't even close to getting them. | ||
| And then I was like, huh, maybe there's a bust. | ||
| But, but then I go, let me try Mitzi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And, I mean, I got her. | ||
| And I talked to her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| So I didn't know what to ask her at first. | ||
| So I was like, I mean she was there. | ||
| I wasn't seeing her, I was just in my brain talking to her. | ||
| And she's like, what? | ||
| And I'm like, you know her, right? | ||
| And so I'm like, what do I ask her? | ||
| So I was like, First I thought, like, what's the meaning of life? | ||
| Or do you have any life advice? | ||
| And I was like, a fucking idiot. | ||
| So broad, you know? | ||
| And then I was like, maybe I'll ask, like, what do you think of me? | ||
| What I became? | ||
| But I was like, that's selfish. | ||
| It's dumb and selfish. | ||
| And so then I was like, So I was like, Mitzi, what you made, the comedy store, it was a place for me, Renizzisi, Duncan, and we were like lost souls. | ||
| Simone calls it the Island of Misfit Toys. | ||
| That's what she called it. | ||
| That's what she called it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| And I was like, this thing you made. | ||
| It hit me like that was her orb and she pured it. | ||
| I mean, people in Kansas know about that place. | ||
| It wasn't just a great place to go watch a show. | ||
| It wasn't just that it was a good place for comics to show up and find each other. | ||
| It was also she was making... | ||
| Her own orbs. | ||
| The store was her orb, and we were the result of it. | ||
| So my career was one of her orbs. | ||
| That's why she always said, when comics came in already developed, she goes, I'll use them, but what am I going to do with them? | ||
| I was like, wouldn't you work a really good comic? | ||
| She goes, I didn't make them. | ||
| And I realized what I wanted, and I realized then what she wanted. | ||
| And I was like, hey, Mitzi, I see what you made. | ||
| And I saw it. | ||
| I saw your shot. | ||
| And you nailed it. | ||
| Like, you nailed it. | ||
| And, yeah, she said she appreciated it, you know? | ||
| And then it hit me, like, all the time she was... | ||
| I had a showcase once. | ||
| I mean, I showcased a lot there. | ||
| And she was, no, no, no. | ||
| And there was once where, I mean, I crushed. | ||
| It was a crushing showcase, number 26 or something like that. | ||
| I went to go drive her home. | ||
| And I was like, Freddie was there. | ||
| I was like, already fucking crushed tonight, huh? | ||
| And she goes, you're almost ready. | ||
| It drove me crazy at the time. | ||
| But right then, I didn't understand until then what she meant by, you're not ready yet. | ||
| You're almost ready. | ||
| What she meant was, this business, in a lot of ways, sucks. | ||
| And the shit they're going to throw at you is debilitating. | ||
| To have like... | ||
| To be blackmailed into leaving your own show by people you know. | ||
| To have people turn against you publicly, you know? | ||
| And it's just like You wouldn't be able to deal with it, except for her toughening you up. | ||
| The drill sergeant metaphor. | ||
| You can't just go to war. | ||
| You need somebody beating you down first. | ||
| And she beat me down. | ||
| And when she's saying you're almost ready, she means if I send you out into the world now, you will bury yourself under this. | ||
| You will not survive this business. | ||
| You will not be able to go out and make new things. | ||
| You'll quit. | ||
| For sure you'll quit. | ||
| And I don't think she was wrong. | ||
| And it hit me, and my mouth was just a gape. | ||
| Like realizing what she had done to me and for me. | ||
| And I was just staring at the fire and just out loud just go, you fucking bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, are you? | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And I mean, I was just like, I mean, thank you for helping me survive this. | ||
| I'm 20 years in now, and I wouldn't have made it past any, like, you're not good enough for Montreal, you're not, it would have all crushed me too hard. | ||
| But she crushed me so hard that none of this, it doesn't seem like a lot to be like, you're not a paid regular, who cares, based on what we have now. | ||
| But it meant, the level of what it meant was as big as anything was. | ||
| And so then it hit me like one of my types of art is not just my things. | ||
| On This Is Not Happening, I had some good stories. | ||
| None of those were orbs for me. | ||
| I had good stories. | ||
| None of those were perfect expressions. | ||
| The show itself was. | ||
| And one of the ways was it got to elevate these other people and allowed them to make orbs. | ||
| Sean Patton doing his Cuman story on This Not Happening or Ali Sadiq with Messing Out on Boots, which is like my favorite one of all time. | ||
| Miss Pat, Kate Willett, Bert, Stigur, you with that strip club story. | ||
| It's like these were like really – somebody just told me the other day. | ||
| It was like I saw that Rogan strip club story. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I'm like, yes. | ||
| So that feeling of like I helped with that. | ||
| I take a credit for that. | ||
| I don't mind taking, not all the credit, but like, I wanted to make this thing to allow people to come up. | ||
| So then I'm like, should I be difficult on people the way Mitzi was? | ||
| Should I be mean? | ||
| But then it's like, she was like, no. | ||
| She goes, oh, that's mine. | ||
| She was like, that's my way. | ||
| It's not your way. | ||
| Dude, this was wild. | ||
| It was a full conversation. | ||
| And so she's like, that's my way to get them going. | ||
| You have your own way to get them going. | ||
| The way Ozzy says the Beatles were one of his biggest influences, where I'm like, your music is nothing alike. | ||
| There are different ways of getting to the same thing. | ||
| Well, you like Earthquake, your comedy's not like his. | ||
| So then it's like... | ||
| Continue doing that. | ||
| Make orbs. | ||
| Anybody that got in your way before, it's okay. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Cut them out. | ||
| Getting revenge is not going to help you in any way. | ||
| Getting back to them is not going to help you in any way. | ||
| It's going to delay you from making a new great thing. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| It's just a freeing thing. | ||
| I felt like I got to work it out with her. | ||
| This woman who, more than a lot of people, I was so tied in with her. | ||
| She was like a mother slash grandmother. | ||
| We all were. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The most important figure in the history of comedy that's not a comedian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gave us the ability to be free. | ||
| Don't do it my way. | ||
| Do it your way. | ||
| If you suck, I'm going to tell you to your face. | ||
| But she did have moments of like, yellow suit. | ||
| She had some crazy shit. | ||
| And when she's saying that, yeah. | ||
| All she's really saying is, I don't fucking know. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Figure it out is my point. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| And some of what she did by passing awful people while I was being driven. | ||
| Him? | ||
| He gets to do spots? | ||
| She passed people that had no talent. | ||
| None. | ||
| None. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you know what that did? | ||
| What? | ||
| That made me work harder. | ||
| What was she thinking with them, though? | ||
| I think what she was thinking is maybe there's a spark there that might come. | ||
| When I started opening for you, I wasn't that good. | ||
| You saw something in me. | ||
| I got laughs, but I wasn't like a developed. | ||
| It was easy. | ||
| No, you're selling yourself short. | ||
| It was like you watching that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There was something there. | ||
| Yeah, maybe if I was watching that, if it wasn't me. | ||
| But you were a smart guy who had good points and you loved comedy. | ||
| And I needed to develop a little more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you saw that spark and you're like, let me help this flourish. | ||
| Let me give it water and sun. | ||
| Yeah, my approach is very different than Mitzi's. | ||
| Yeah, but you always, but it was also quite similar when he was like, figure it out. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you anything of what to do. | ||
| Don't be not dirty. | ||
| Do be dirty. | ||
| Don't be dirty. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Crush. | ||
| I told you this a bunch of times. | ||
| I did 45 minutes at the Denver Comedy Works one time. | ||
| Didn't realize until Red Ben was like, hey, look at the tape, dude. | ||
| And I apologized. | ||
| It didn't matter. | ||
| I crushed after you. | ||
| I'm like, no, no, but that was way too much. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| It didn't matter. | ||
| You crushed. | ||
| I crushed. | ||
| There's no apology here. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| I didn't do it anymore. | ||
| But, like, the point was, like, figure it out, man. | ||
| I'm here to support you. | ||
| So that kind of shit. | ||
| Well, remember when I would get you so high you didn't know what you were saying? | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| That was not in my best interest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was you being the devil. | |
| That was you being the devil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was one of my favorite things to do was to take you into deep water. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You told me in Boston, you were like, I said something about how gross the Boston girls are. | ||
| Like, Jewish girls are ugly, but Boston girls are like, clear. | ||
| I forget what the joke was. | ||
| You're like, say that, say that. | ||
| And I said it, and they were all like, they were all so mad, and you were laughing. | ||
| You were my audience of one, and they were the audience of 400. But, hey, listen, I thought it was funny. | ||
| You thought it was funny, so we did it. | ||
| Well, I told you, no matter what, you can't get fired. | ||
| I can't get fired. | ||
| So you freed me. | ||
| She freed us. | ||
| So when she passed, I'm not going to say any names, but you can picture seven people, ten people in your head. | ||
| It drove us way harder to work harder. | ||
| I said thank you. | ||
| I worked it out with her. | ||
| Led her back to the world that she's in. | ||
| What do you think that is? | ||
| Do you think you were really talking to her spirit? | ||
| Or do you think you were talking to the love that you had for her? | ||
| I am aware of what it would sound like to say this but the next day when I was going over it and I was explaining it My partner and I were talking about our different Experiences vastly different I know what it sounds like but I talked to her man I talked to her, and she appreciated the fucking attaboy. | ||
| She appreciated somebody seeing that what she did was good. | ||
| And I told Peter, I ran into Peter recently, randomly at the Apple Store in fucking New York. | ||
| Peter Shore? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Randomly? | ||
| Haven't seen him in 15 years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So I told the story to two other people, Simone and Renazizi. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| And then Peter, and now you. | ||
| I'm a partner. | ||
| But I told him that, and he goes, that's interesting, because she always kind of felt like when people referenced her, they didn't give her credit for the help. | ||
| They would say so-and-so, here or there, and let him be like, oh, Mitzi, remember her, whatever, how's she doing? | ||
| But she didn't feel like she ever got the, thank you for giving up your life to do this for us. | ||
| We know you didn't have a normal life, and you helped us be this thing. | ||
| And Yeah, man, I talked to her. | ||
| She was there and I talked to her. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| So, eventually was like, I'm ready to go. | ||
| Went to my hut. | ||
| Six in the morning, go take a cold shower. | ||
| And then don't eat pork or have sex for eight days. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I talked to her, man. | ||
| She appreciated it. | ||
| I'm sure you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, whether you did or you didn't, you still did. | |
| You know, I made it a point to my 2018 special, Strange Times. | ||
| And I was like, I felt like at that point, like after Triggered, it was like the first time I felt like I'm a legit World-class comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
World-class. | |
| I'm real now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody knows her as a comic. | ||
| And, you know, it was right after she had died. | ||
| And there was no way I wasn't going to thank her. | ||
| So you put it on there? | ||
| Yeah, it was in loving memory of Pitsy Shore. | ||
| In that studio in LA, Taylor Bose made me a picture of her painting. | ||
| It was always in that studio. | ||
| It's still there. | ||
| I gotta go back and get it. | ||
| I'm going back next month just to get a bunch of shit out of there, and that's one of the things I'm getting out of here. | ||
| I'm gonna put it up in here somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you got there, you weren't... | |
| You were a headliner. | ||
| I wasn't a beginner. | ||
| You weren't a beginner, but you definitely weren't here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| She helped me tremendously. | ||
| Dude, I always knew I was going there. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| I swear to God, from the first time I ever got on stage, when I decided I was going to be a comic, it was like after the first time I ever got on stage. | ||
| Like, I thought about doing it. | ||
| I had to try it. | ||
| Let's see what it's like. | ||
| And after I did it the first time, I was like, this is what I do. | ||
| I'm a comedian now. | ||
| And I remember thinking, I gotta get to the Comedy Store. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| It was Mecca. | ||
| It was Mecca. | ||
| It was a religious call. | ||
| I mean, if there was anything like that in my life, that was it. | ||
| When I came out to Hollywood, I didn't give a fuck about that TV show. | ||
| It was on that stupid baseball show. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck about that. | ||
| All I was thinking is, like, I gotta get to the Comedy Store. | ||
| And the comedy store was terrible. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| There was a bunch of Bodax, and there was all these people that she passed that were like, I'm telling you, talentless. | ||
| And this is not a knock on them, and I would never name any names, but these people just weren't... | ||
| They would bomb, and they would bomb with impossible comedy. | ||
| Was she not there every day anymore at that point? | ||
| She was there occasionally. | ||
| She wasn't there every day. | ||
| She was losing her grip on everything. | ||
| Yeah, she had problems, but she could still tell you what you were doing wrong and doing right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She passed me as a non-paid regular after my first audition. | ||
| She let me go up at the end of the show. | ||
| And I was there every night. | ||
| I didn't have any friends. | ||
| I didn't know anybody. | ||
| How much did that alter the course of your comedic career? | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Who knows what kind of bullshit act I would have had if I didn't run into Mitzi, if I didn't get passed at the store. | ||
| But the moment I passed... | ||
| One of the reasons why she passed me is a trick that we all used to do. | ||
| I learned from the Todd. | ||
| The Todd who was on Pauly Shore's show on MTV. His name was The Todd. | ||
| And he would sit in the back of the room when someone was... | ||
| And he did it for me. | ||
| And he goes, you're going to do this for somebody else someday. | ||
| And he would sat next to Mitzi while Mitzi watched me. | ||
| And he would laugh hard. | ||
| And he'd laugh really hard. | ||
| I went up there and I did my set. | ||
| And he'd laugh really hard. | ||
| And then Mitzi just grabbed my arm. | ||
| She goes, you're really funny. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She's like, call in for spots. | ||
| And that's a woman who saw Pryor and Kinison. | ||
| She goes, call in for spots. | ||
| You're a paid regular. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That was more important to me than any TV show. | ||
| The TV show was just a lot of money. | ||
| I was like, ooh, I got all this money. | ||
| You don't have to think about things. | ||
| Yeah, but who cares about it? | ||
| But that was how I thought about it. | ||
| The TV show was like, ooh, I'm going to get all this money. | ||
| Like, ooh, I can buy an apartment. | ||
| I can fucking buy food. | ||
| I can get a nice car. | ||
| That's right, but you weren't thinking about the show. | ||
| You were thinking about the money. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| I mean, it was cool to be on a TV show. | ||
| I'm not going to lie about that, but it wasn't the thing. | ||
| I couldn't sleep that night. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, I'm a paid regular. | ||
| Like, I'm a real comedian. | ||
| I'm a real comedian. | ||
| I'm a real comedian. | ||
| I'm at the store. | ||
| I'm a real comedian. | ||
| I'm at the comedy store. | ||
| Even though the comedy store is filled with It was just like every now and then Damon Wayans would show up or Martin Lawrence would show up or Dom Herrera or Dice. | ||
| They would come in and kill and you would see real comedy. | ||
| But then you'd see a lot of dog shit. | ||
| But it didn't matter. | ||
| I was getting up and it was better that way because it was like if I came there in like 2016 when I had come back for two years and it was packed every night. | ||
| Yeah, we disagree on this. | ||
| You say it's an amazing time, that last time, you know? | ||
| It was amazing for me. | ||
| Yeah, but my favorite was 2000 to 2010. When no one was there. | ||
| When no one was there. | ||
| He'd really develop and crush and be like, fuck, this will do nothing for me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Except make you a bit stronger every time. | ||
| It made you stronger, and there was a lot of hostility back then, though, especially the early 2000s. | ||
| There was so much bitterness. | ||
| There were so many comedians that didn't like other comedians. | ||
| There was a lot of people that were just so angry that other people were making it. | ||
| They were so angry that other people got television shows and it was still the remnants of the 90s where everybody was just trying to get on a sitcom and when somebody else got on a sitcom, the other comics, especially the mediocre ones, they took it like you took something from them. | ||
| They weren't even up for it. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was like your success somehow or another diminished them. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| We saw that from underneath it as a door guy. | ||
| We saw that like, what's going on up there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you also saw that those people were shitty to door guys. | ||
| Those people that had those attitudes, they were- A lot of them. | ||
| Yeah, they weren't kind. | ||
| They weren't like, they weren't a brotherhood or a sisterhood. | ||
| They were looking at everybody like, Yeah well like they weren't getting what they deserve they had this thought that they wouldn't they weren't getting the recognition that they deserved and that's why when established people would come there and Mitzi would go get rid of her Get rid of them. | ||
| Like, they would be so hurt. | ||
| She was brutal. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| You'd have someone who was on a sitcom who was doing really well, and they would go up there and do five solid minutes of stand-up. | ||
| Like, where I would say, hey, she's pretty good. | ||
| That's good comedy. | ||
| Get rid of her. | ||
| I've heard it all before. | ||
| Get rid of her. | ||
| And you'd be like, what? | ||
| Yeah, fuck off. | ||
| And then someone would go on after that person who she had passed who was dog shit. | ||
| And she didn't care. | ||
| She'd leave the room. | ||
| And they'd be like, what is this? | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| She didn't care. | ||
| She was just crazy. | ||
| But after things had gone really well for me, and after I was doing really well, I remember her and I had a conversation. | ||
| We're sitting in the back of the room, and again, she wasn't doing so well. | ||
| She was kind of shaking a lot. | ||
| And she put her hand on my arm, and she was talking to me. | ||
| And I was just thanking her for everything. | ||
| And, you know, I just told her that I would have never been the comic that I am without you. | ||
| And you just knew what to do. | ||
| You knew what to tell me. | ||
| You were always right. | ||
| Your criticisms were always valid. | ||
| And you always gave me hard spots. | ||
| You always gave me hard spots. | ||
| I was always going after Martin Lawrence. | ||
| Can you just give me a better spot? | ||
| No, I didn't deserve those spots. | ||
| I deserved the spots I got. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| You know, I wanted a good spot. | ||
| I wanted to go on before them where I didn't have to deal with the pressure, but it made me better. | ||
| And then she looked at me and she goes, I always know where to put you. | ||
| She had like a big smile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, I always know where to put you. | |
| I thought it was fun. | ||
| Fun to watch me suffer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fun, but you knew that was what you needed. | |
| You needed to go on after heavy artillery, big guns. | ||
| And in 1994, there was no bigger gun than Martin Lawrence, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, that was his height. | ||
| That was like the Uso Crazy days. | ||
| It was a leather outfit. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would murder. | |
| Like, people forgot. | ||
| He's follow that. | ||
| Like, historically underappreciated. | ||
| Martin Lawrence was one of the most historically underappreciated guys ever. | ||
| Because, you know, he had a little bit of a time where he lost himself a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember he got arrested wearing a wetsuit with a gun and just, like, running down the street. | ||
| Dehydration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was dehydrated. | |
| As the publicist said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Um... | ||
| But before that, man, I'll tell you, those 90s, man. | ||
| And you followed them all. | ||
| Every fucking time. | ||
| Anytime anybody was good. | ||
| Did you figure out how to do it eventually? | ||
| Yeah, kinda. | ||
| I mean, I just had to get better. | ||
| I had to get better. | ||
| I had to get tighter. | ||
| I had to come out of the gate better. | ||
| I had to make fun of myself. | ||
| I had to figure out a way to make fun of the fact that everybody was leaving. | ||
| You know, I had to make fun of them. | ||
| Because I would go on stage and three quarters of the main room would just get up and leave. | ||
| And yeah, in the first two minutes, you're like, yeah. | ||
| Talking on the way out. | ||
| Where's your car? | ||
| They saw Martin. | ||
| The show was done. | ||
| Martin was doing a long set, too. | ||
| It wasn't a short set. | ||
| He was killing. | ||
| That had to prepare you for following Diaz later. | ||
| That's almost your comfort zone. | ||
| I tell people, you're definitely a product of Boston comedy. | ||
| Murderers. | ||
| Follow murderers. | ||
| Fuck, you're fucked, fucked. | ||
| This had to prepare you for... | ||
| It's almost like your safe space is to follow a killer. | ||
| It made me understand that that was important to do and that that's how you got better. | ||
| Because the whole thing was always getting better. | ||
| It's not just a show that night. | ||
| Like, do a good show that night. | ||
| If I did a good show that night, then I'd want someone who's mediocre so I could come in, back clean up, and make everybody look like I'm the hero. | ||
| Which we know a lot of comics do. | ||
| There's a lot of comics that bring really mediocre acts. | ||
| Not because they want to help them, because they don't want anybody to shine. | ||
| They want to be the only guy that stands out on the show. | ||
| But I took Diaz on the road he wants to Rascals. | ||
| And Diaz was loose as a goose and murdered. | ||
| I mean, he fucking murdered. | ||
| And I remember I had a really tough time following him. | ||
| And I remember this. | ||
| This is like 96, 97, something like that. | ||
| And I remember thinking to myself, this is good. | ||
| I need to take him with me everywhere. | ||
| That's what I remember thinking. | ||
| Like, this motherfucker is so good. | ||
| He's so fun. | ||
| When he gets loose, that was like when Diaz was just finding himself. | ||
| Because Diaz, for a while, there was like a year or two where Diaz was not... | ||
| He was trying to be something? | ||
| He was trying to get recognized by agents. | ||
| He wanted to be in a movie. | ||
| He wanted to be in a sitcom. | ||
| He thought that's how it was going to happen. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, he just sort of accepted the fact that he likes to do drugs. | ||
| He likes to get crazy. | ||
| He was living with a stripper. | ||
| It was madness. | ||
| He was a crazy person. | ||
| And he realized, like, fuck it. | ||
| This is who I am. | ||
| And he went on stage and talked to us, talked to the people on stage the way he would talk to us in the parking lot. | ||
| He was the most like himself on stage. | ||
| Pauly was second most, to be honest. | ||
| It was weird, but no change. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, he grew up there. | ||
| He figured out how to be himself there. | ||
| But Diaz was that. | ||
| Yeah, he figured out how to do that, but it was so hard to follow that. | ||
| Isn't it funny, though? | ||
| He was like, all right, fuck these movies and shit, I'll do it. | ||
| And now he's doing the Sopranos movie. | ||
| He went the other way and got to the same point. | ||
| Yeah, he went the other way. | ||
| It's like he became mainstream by going totally underground. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But also because the other people elevated his signal. | ||
| You know, like Joey became popular because of the love of his peers. | ||
| Like that's a big part of Joey. | ||
| Joey didn't become popular from a television show. | ||
| He didn't become popular from a movie. | ||
| He became popular from us. | ||
| Everybody talking about him. | ||
| Yeah, all of us. | ||
| Tom, you, Bert, me, Duncan, everybody just talking about crazy moments that they had with Joey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We got real lucky, Ari Shafir. | ||
| We did get very lucky. | ||
| We got very lucky. | ||
| When I found that place, I don't know if it's fate or... | ||
| I didn't know about it when I found it. | ||
| I was looking for the Laugh Factory. | ||
| Legitimately, I passed by there. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I'll apply there too. | ||
| Duncan hired me. | ||
| Duncan trained me. | ||
| He didn't hire me. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Duncan and I became friends when he was the guy who would answer the phone to give you the dates. | ||
| I would call him up and I'd say, hey man, I'm in town Tuesday through Friday. | ||
| And they're like, hey dude, I was reading this thing, and we'd have these crazy conversations for like fucking hours. | ||
| Phones ringing, not being answered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, man. | |
| Someone's calling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| And he would go on hold, and I'd just be, you know, I was a single guy. | ||
| Living at home with my feet up on my desk, talking and dunking on the phone. | ||
| And I had a headset back then with a cord. | ||
| You plug a cord into the bottom of the headset, and I had this like, I was a secretary. | ||
| So that's one of the things you did, is make it so you could find each other. | ||
| Yeah, she made it so that we could find each other and my thing was always from martial arts You need a team you need training partners you need every you need people that are really good around you to inspire you and you need The people that are learning you need to help them because they're gonna get better and that'll make you better So my thought was that with everybody like door guys and parking lot attendants everybody was just us It was all the same. | ||
| The store specifically has a lineage of door guys to Kinison. | ||
| He was a door guy. | ||
| Bobby Lee was a door guy. | ||
| Me, Ren and Zizi were door guys. | ||
| And then it's like, oh, so they're like, Duncan. | ||
| So it's like, oh, these are all the same. | ||
| So when you see a door guy, you're like, that's just me earlier. | ||
| It's not like, what are you, a waiter? | ||
| It's not that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not that. | |
| Some comics didn't have that feeling with those people, and it drove me nuts, man. | ||
| I used to get really upset when I'd see comics being dismissive of door guys, or not giving them a pound, or not shaking hands, not saying, what's up? | ||
| What's up, guys? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| How you guys doing? | ||
| It's all love in that place. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, you're just a lesser-developed comic. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| We're all the same thing. | ||
| Well, you've been doing comedy a year, you've been doing comedy. | ||
| That would always drive me crazy, too. | ||
| Someone would say, that's not a comic. | ||
| You're a comic when you get paid. | ||
| You're a comic when you're on TV. You're a comic when you do this. | ||
| You're a comic when you do that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, you're a comic. | ||
| You're bleeding. | ||
| You're already bleeding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Of course you're a comic. | ||
| You're a comic. | ||
| If you are a white belt, you're a martial artist. | ||
| If you're trying to do comedy, you're a comic. | ||
| Doesn't mean you're great. | ||
| You're a comic, though. | ||
| And that's how I've always looked at it. | ||
| I've always looked at it like we're all on this fucking wacky ride together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that lady was the captain of the ship. | ||
| She made the whole thing different. | ||
| She changed what a comedy club was. | ||
| There was no other comedy club like that. | ||
| Every other comedy club, you were working there, there was an opener, a middle, and a headliner. | ||
| You did your time, you didn't go over, you got your money, and you said thank you, and you got out of there. | ||
| And they didn't give you any advice. | ||
| If they did, it was terrible. | ||
| She never got rid of drugs? | ||
| She embraced it as part of the world? | ||
| She did drugs. | ||
| She did drugs. | ||
| I started a staff meeting once. | ||
| She was talking about how we all get paid in checks now. | ||
| She goes, you know, it used to be, in the old days, I would give them their $25, and the Coke dealers were there, and they'd fucking me. | ||
| I've spent so long, I'm losing the impression. | ||
| Immediately, I'd spend their own money on Coke. | ||
| She goes, now they just go home and watch TV. LAUGHTER Like mad that they're all doing below. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, she loved that it was wild. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| She was a wild woman. | ||
| She loved the fact that she created a wild place. | ||
| And you see Kinison swinging on Letterman. | ||
| He's like, that's my time. | ||
| And Letterman bringing him up. | ||
| He's like, this guy is... | ||
| Just watch him. | ||
| I don't even, you guys just watch him. | ||
| And he finishes, I'm like, that's it, and then swings a thing. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| It's a comedy store. | ||
| What's Letterman compared to the fucking store? | ||
| He already had his fucking balls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, I told her. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Can I promote one thing before I leave? | ||
| Promote the fuck out of it. | ||
| Okay, everybody. | ||
| Oh, you wrote it down? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| All professional. | ||
| There are... | ||
| I'm not here to promote my podcast, Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank. | ||
| Please watch that. | ||
| How about say that in a way where people can understand a fucking word you just said? | ||
| I have a podcast called Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it again? | |
| Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank. | ||
| It is available on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, even the Spotification. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And on YouTube now. | ||
| Not here to promote that. | ||
| There are three comedians in New York that are massively underappreciated. | ||
| Their names are Adrian Apollucci, Mike Vecchione, and Sean Patton. | ||
| For whatever reason, they have slipped through the cracks. | ||
| And they don't make the money they should, and they're not booked as much as they should. | ||
| But I am telling you, as someone who cares about stand-up comedy, that they are great. | ||
| Adrian opened for me in my whole last tour. | ||
| She's now on the road this weekend with fucking Louis C.K. She had the number one joke of 2019, a Parkland joke, the day after. | ||
| They cut it from Netflix, because whatever. | ||
| But... | ||
| If you want to see it, I put her album up on my YouTube page. | ||
| Baby Skeletons is her album. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| Sean Patton you might know from This Is Not Happening stories, the Cuman story, the fake gay passion. | ||
| Adrienne's awesome. | ||
| And Mike Vecchione, who's one of the best joke writers in New York. | ||
| He is someone who makes us all better joke writers by watching him. | ||
| He consistently crushes, doesn't have the networking skills to get ahead. | ||
| So, if I just tell you, I've thought this out, dude. | ||
| If I just tell you they're great, you might look him up. | ||
| Here's what I'm asking you to do, the listeners and the watchers of Joe Rogan Podcast. | ||
| I want you to call your comedy clubs, your local comedy clubs, and I want you to tell them, because they're not going to book them just based on a recommendation. | ||
| I want you to tell them, I will give you my email address, and you can use it only if Adrian Appalucci, Sean Patton, or Mike Vecchione are playing in your city. | ||
| I will give you my email address, which is what they want more than anything. | ||
| Everybody, call your local comedy club. | ||
| Tell them the city you live in. | ||
| Say, I live in this city. | ||
| I will give you my email address for this reason. | ||
| Comedy club owners, you can launch them. | ||
| Give them their bonuses, even if they get close. | ||
| Get loyal with these people because they should be stars and you can help make them stars. | ||
| You can also help them get to the point where for an Adrian's sake, she's not thinking of quitting comedy because she can't make her fucking rent. | ||
| You can help them Comedy Club fans, I have never lied to you about someone who has talent. | ||
| Call your local club, tell them where I live, and I will give you my address based on this alone. | ||
| That's what I'm doing here. | ||
| That's what I'm going to promote. | ||
| Go do it now. | ||
| You can make a clip. | ||
| I don't know how many clips you're allowed. | ||
| Please make one from this. | ||
| Go help these people. | ||
| They are great, great comics. | ||
| Adrian Appalucci, Sean Patton, Mike Vecchione. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I think that was okay. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Those people are all very funny. | ||
| Goodbye everybody. |
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