Stan Hope's Move
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The Joe Rogan Experience.
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Train by day.
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Joe Rogan Podcast by night.
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All day.
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Alright, we're back after a brief hiate.
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We had a little fuck up here, but we're back.
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Cheers again.
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Yeah, cheers.
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So we were saying that, I was saying that this is Stan Hope's move, drinking Bud Light, and you were saying that you like drinking Bud Light because you could drink more, and then I said Stan Hope switched to cocktails.
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All this happened, we had to fuck up with the recording.
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But you said you lived with Stan Hope.
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I did.
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At the fucking Neverland Ranch?
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Yes.
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It was crazy.
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Yeah, what's he doing out there?
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What do you think?
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Yeah.
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Just being bombed and having random strangers show up at his house?
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Yeah, he doesn't care.
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I mean, he's still, he's so funny.
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But, yeah, every once in a while he'd get a little nasty.
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Yeah?
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He'd turn on me.
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He'd turn on you?
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Yeah, I'd say every...
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I mean, it was like a month, and I can drink, but I can't...
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So you lived with them for a whole month?
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Yeah, I stayed in the guest house.
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What is that place like, that Bisbee, Arizona?
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It's a cool town.
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It's really cool.
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Yeah, it's like an old mining town.
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So every house is like an old mine shack.
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It's crazy.
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And most of the people there, what do they do?
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I think when the mines closed, because it was an old copper mine, And they all, like hippies from California moved in there.
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So it's like a real RT town.
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Is he like the mayor of the town?
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Yeah, pretty much.
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Yeah.
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Although I think all he does is, I could be wrong.
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Maybe his routine changed during COVID. In fact, I know it did.
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But they...
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Yeah, that was it.
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He would just go to the grocery store and come back.
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That was his...
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That's it?
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That's it.
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That's it?
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That's it.
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Just make sure he's got enough money in the bank?
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Yeah, talk shit, do podcasts.
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Wow.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It was fun.
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But yeah, like I said, every once in a while he'd get a couple drinks and be like, look at you.
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He'd be hanging out and out of nowhere he'd be like, you're fat.
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I'd be like, alright man, what the fuck, dude?
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That's the hard booze.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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That's hard booze thinking.
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People that just drink Bud Lights, they probably don't get that nasty.
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It's a slow trickle.
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No.
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Yeah, this is my dad.
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Dad just drinks these all night.
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It's not the best flavor.
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It's crazy.
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Couple BLs, dude?
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It's okay.
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It'd probably be real good with like crabs.
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Yeah.
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You know, like some seafood and like a nice light beer.
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Drinking outside, it's perfect.
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Yeah, real cold.
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Yeah, you can't drink like craft or like IPAs outside.
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Yeah, you can.
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I don't like it.
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I do.
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What the fuck's your problem?
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I like dark beer.
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I do.
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Yeah, I like stouts.
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Well, you work out.
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You're in shape and shit.
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Yeah, but that's not why I like it.
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Yeah, I know, but if I start crushing IPAs, I'll get hammered.
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Balloon.
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Yeah, it's good times.
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I'll be huge.
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Yeah, there you go.
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If I drink 12 IPAs a night instead of Bud Lights, it'd be a disaster.
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That's true.
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But you wouldn't need 12. You'd need five, and you'd have the same effect.
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Yeah, but that's why I try not to drink liquor ever.
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I'm trying not to get fucking hammered at these places.
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You're just trying to keep a steady buzz.
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Yeah, because I'll get drunk.
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I had a bad habit of getting hammered at clubs and talking shit.
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That sounds like a normal comedian.
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Yeah, it sounds like everyone.
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But then the anxiety the next day, all that.
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What did I say to this person?
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That is the worst!
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That's the worst feeling when you're all drunk together and you're like, did I say something stupid?
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He said, I say wild shit.
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And you know people said stupid shit to you, so you're like, man, was I that guy too?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, you were.
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Definitely.
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At the cellar now, it's like we're all having conversations about race and shit like that.
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And you might get hammered?
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I might get hammered and be like, would you guys shut up?
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Just wake up the next day like, oh, fuck.
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There is nothing worse than comedians that are virtue signaling.
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Like, around other comedians and trying to establish a way that we should all communicate.
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And you're like...
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Yeah.
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What the fuck are you saying?
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Are you pretending this is real?
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Are you pretending this is real?
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I thought we were all in on this.
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Yeah, we're all in on this.
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We're all good people talking mad shit.
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There's no bad people here.
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Just because someone says something ridiculous to make other people laugh, like, yeah, that's what they're doing.
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Yeah.
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We know the game.
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Yeah.
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It's like, they're opportunists.
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They find a way to claim the moral high ground, to be upset at everybody else.
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But if you're a comedian and you do that, you're a traitor.
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You know what's going on.
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You know that these guys are just talking shit.
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And talking shit is a real thing.
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It's a thing.
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It's like, here's my real statement.
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Here's how I really feel about things.
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Here's honesty.
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Here's me, you know, just being vulnerable and truthful.
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And then, here's me talking shit.
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It's shit.
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It is literally shit.
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It's not real.
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No, we're saying ridiculous things to make each other laugh.
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I'm gonna get fucked up on this.
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Yeah, there you go.
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Good.
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Let's start talking shit by the end of this.
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Six or seven of these, and we'll have a good buzz going.
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Yeah, man.
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It might grow on me.
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It's not bad.
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I get the idea, though.
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You know, that's one of the things that I've been reading about lately.
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I'm actually rereading this book by Brian Murarescu.
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It's called The Immortality Key.
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It's all about ancient Greece and how they used to take wine, and they had wine laced with all these psychedelic chemicals, and that's, you know, the whole Eleusinian mysteries.
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But back then, everybody used to drink all day.
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The alcohol was terrible.
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The wine had 3% alcohol.
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The booze had 3%.
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Beer was 3%.
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They didn't know how to make strong shit like they know how to make today.
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And everybody was drunk all the time.
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Yeah, what else are you going to do?
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Yeah.
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Sitting around, waiting to get fucking killed by barbarians?
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You better get hammered.
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The barbarians are on mushrooms.
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Yeah, they were.
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That was the thing.
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Like, the Vikings, they were all on mushrooms.
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Were they?
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Yeah, they would do mushrooms and go berserking.
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Yeah, they would do some bad things.
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I can't imagine doing those things on mushrooms.
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Yeah, but if you lived back then, you could.
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True.
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If, like, that was a normal part of everyday life, was cutting people apart, you'd probably want to be on mushrooms.
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Yeah, I'd take mushrooms and giggle.
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Yeah, probably.
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You guys would take it and...
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But they might have giggled, too.
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I bet they were giggling.
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Yeah, I would imagine.
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We're lucky.
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But that's why people complain today, you know, because it's pretty easy.
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So the things that people complain about, they're relatively mild in comparison to the historical record of how fucked up life was.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, it was terrible.
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Did you buy that shirt on purpose?
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Yeah.
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Really?
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Yes.
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So you saw that in the store and you're like, this is the one.
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I saw this shirt and I was like, that's the drip.
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That's it.
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This is the drip.
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Gym shorts and a Walmart polo.
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Do you play golf?
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No.
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Good for you.
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I go drink.
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I watch my friends play golf.
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I'll go on the cart.
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It's fun.
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Do you have a shirt like that?
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Do you have golf shirts that you wear?
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I do, but not like that.
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They're not as fly as this?
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Is that what you're saying?
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Tiger Woods collection.
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I was with Ari at the house and I was like, I look like a dickhead, right?
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He was like, no, you look fine.
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Is Ari staying at Tim's too?
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Oh no.
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It's just me and Ari.
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It's just me and that fucking guy.
Tim's South American Adventure
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Took his dick out already.
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Of course he did.
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Which is fine.
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Taking your dick out with other people around is funny.
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But just with one dude.
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But it's just me and him.
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And I was like, dude, who's this joke for, bro?
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It's just you and me.
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It was great.
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Plus, I guarantee you Tim's got cameras everywhere.
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Oh, definitely.
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Recording everything.
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He's probably watching like, yes.
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Take it out.
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Let's go.
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Let's go.
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So we were out.
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Me and Ari were swimming.
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And I was like, I bet you I can swim underwater the length of the pool.
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And he was like, I bet you can't.
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So I did it.
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And then when I got, I was like out of breath, got to the other side, I was like, came out and his dick was out.
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He was standing outside of the pool.
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I was like, God damn it.
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I was like tired.
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He's a wild motherfucker.
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That dude lived most of the pandemic in South America.
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Yeah.
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Just moved to South America for a while.
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Didn't know anybody down there.
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Got an Airbnb.
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Started doing yoga up there.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, he's great.
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Well, he's all about that.
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Me and him, we don't share a lot in common.
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He was walking around.
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He's like, we should go hiking.
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We should do this.
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I was like, dude, shut up.
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Let's watch SportsCenter and drink.
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So yeah, he was trying to get me to go down there with him.
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He's big on new experiences, like hiking type things, going places and traveling.
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I don't like it.
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Well, he got real big on travel a few years back where he took like three solid months off where he didn't do any comedy.
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He left his laptop at home.
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I think he brought a flip phone, and he just traveled.
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And no one can get in touch with him.
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Oh, yeah.
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Didn't he go to China?
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Yeah, he went all over the place.
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He went all through Asia, stayed in hostels.
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Like, okay.
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Yeah, he likes that.
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He asked me to go to Bonnaroo with him this year.
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I was like, dude, I'm not going to a fucking...
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It's gonna be 95 degrees with just hippies and tents.
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Where's Bonnaroo?
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I think Tennessee.
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Right?
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That's his vibe.
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I don't like that.
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I'm not going to a fucking tent.
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Yeah, he likes taking Molly and hanging out with weirdos.
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I like taking Molly.
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And hanging out with weirdos?
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Yeah, I don't like the weirdos.
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In fact, I take Molly, I want to be alone.
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Yeah.
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But yeah.
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He's living the life of a free man.
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I don't think I know anybody that values freedom like Ari does.
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Because he values freedom from everything.
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Freedom from the best job in the world.
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Even though stand-up's the best job in the world, he'll take months off of his schedule.
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I'm not doing anything.
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I'm not doing any podcasts.
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I'm not doing anything.
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I'm just going to wander around.
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With nobody.
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By himself.
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Yeah.
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It's impressive.
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I don't have that.
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It's a weird instinct.
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Well, I think it's from when he was a kid, leaving the whole Jewish thing.
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He's probably accustomed to losing his entire community.
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For people who don't know, he lived, what is it?
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It's not a kibbutz, right?
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Is that what it was?
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He lived somewhere in Israel where they read the Talmud like 12 hours a day.
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Yeah.
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And they did chores and he was in like a religious retreat.
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They're Amish.
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Yeah, basically.
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Yeah.
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Jewish Amish.
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And then they realized, or he realized like, fuck this.
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Like, what am I doing?
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This is bullshit.
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Yeah, the strength that that takes to be like.
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Oh my God.
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What the fuck are we doing?
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Yeah.
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He just takes massive balls.
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Yeah.
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He has those, too.
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Mm-hmm.
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Just saw them.
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Legitimately.
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Yeah.
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They're, like, shockingly low hanging.
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What's going on there?
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Yeah.
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The shirt's good, though.
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Yours?
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Yeah, this is good.
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Okay, I'm fine with it.
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This is good stuff.
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I'd wear it for a goof.
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Yeah.
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I could wear that shirt.
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You should.
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Yeah.
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Start wearing golf stuff.
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Yeah, why not?
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People would think, oh, I told you he was a Republican.
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Oh, yeah, true, true.
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Would it match that hat you like?
Rick Moranis And The Paperboy Hat
00:07:30
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Which hat?
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The golf hat.
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Which one?
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The one that Bill Burr made fun of you for.
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Oh, my Little Rascal's hat.
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It's a golf hat.
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Is that what it is?
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Yeah.
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It's a paperboy hat.
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Yeah.
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It's a golf hat.
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Payne Stewart, he used to wear it all the time.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Okay.
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Yeah, a Jeff cap, right?
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Yeah, there you go.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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My dad wears those.
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I like those.
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It's pretty funny.
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Yeah.
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Those are my favorite hats.
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So we all have weird tastes.
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I don't know.
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I like them.
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They look good on my fat, round head.
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Do they?
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Yeah, if I had one here, I'd put it on so you could see.
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He'd be like, nice.
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Yeah, I'd have to be like, well, of course I would.
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I'm not going to be like, you look like a fucking idiot.
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I'm nervous, dude.
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Of course I'll be like, yeah, everything you do is great.
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Well, we need more of these.
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Cheers.
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Yeah, true.
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Cheers, man.
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Couple more of these.
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So, are you still living in New York?
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I am.
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You like it out there?
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I mean, the only thing I like is doing stand-up, so...
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Yeah.
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That's the only thing I do.
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Yeah.
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I just hang out, Uber to the club.
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You had some funny shit last night, man.
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Oh, thank you very much.
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That was a lot of fun.
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Thank you.
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These two nights have been really fun.
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Yeah, they've been awesome, man.
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You too.
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I've been...
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It's good.
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You're still out there swinging like that?
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Yeah, you gotta swing.
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Bro, I was standing in the back with Ari and you started going and I was looking at him like...
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Joe's gonna get in trouble?
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Yeah, you get in trouble.
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Yeah, of course.
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Yeah, I mean, some people are gonna get mad, but it's comedy, you know?
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The people that aren't mad are having a great time.
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I mean, we saw, we just did two nights in a row.
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Everybody's having a great time.
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And these shows at Vulcan that we've been doing on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, they sell out, like, instantly.
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Yeah.
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And it's fun.
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It's awesome in there.
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Everybody's enthusiastic.
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Great crowds.
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Austin's amazing.
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I fucking love it here.
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Austin's cool.
► 00:12:34
The area around there, I don't like it.
► 00:12:36
It's a little sketchy.
► 00:12:37
A lot of homeless.
► 00:12:37
Yeah.
► 00:12:38
Well, it's not well regulated.
► 00:12:41
No.
► 00:12:42
And these knuckleheads decided to defund the police.
► 00:12:44
It's a super unwise move.
► 00:12:47
It gets weird down there.
► 00:12:50
Yeah, it's like Bonnaroo out there, dude.
► 00:12:51
It was just intense and on drugs.
► 00:12:53
Yeah, but you know what?
► 00:12:55
Relatively speaking, it's exciting.
► 00:12:58
Yeah, you got a fucking driver and a bodyguard, dude.
► 00:13:02
And you do karate.
► 00:13:03
Yeah, it's fun.
► 00:13:04
I'm walking around just like, dude, I'm gonna get fucked up here.
► 00:13:07
Don't walk around.
► 00:13:07
You gotta walk around.
► 00:13:09
Get from the parking lot into the structure, and then from the structure to the parking lot, and then we vacate the area.
► 00:13:14
That's what you do.
► 00:13:16
Yeah, you secure the perimeter of the area with security.
► 00:13:18
Yeah, I like doing comedy in fucking Fallujah.
► 00:13:22
What the fuck, dude?
► 00:13:26
It is fun.
► 00:13:27
It is fun.
► 00:13:28
It is.
► 00:13:29
Until it's not.
► 00:13:29
Until it's not, yes.
► 00:13:31
One day, somebody's not going to have fun.
► 00:13:32
Yeah, yeah.
► 00:13:33
But that's part of what the fun is.
► 00:13:35
True.
► 00:13:35
You cannot have light without dark.
► 00:13:37
You cannot have sunshine without rain.
► 00:13:40
If you have sunshine all the time, you have California, and everybody's fucked up.
► 00:13:43
They don't know what to do.
► 00:13:44
Because they're baffled.
► 00:13:46
It's like someone who stays up for five days in a row.
► 00:13:48
You lose the cycle.
► 00:13:50
There's no cycle.
► 00:13:50
So you get confused.
► 00:13:51
You need a little winter.
► 00:13:53
You need a little sun.
► 00:13:54
You need a little cold.
► 00:13:55
You need a little bit of everything.
► 00:13:57
You can't just only eat cake, you fuck.
► 00:14:00
You can't just eat cake.
► 00:14:01
That's what California people are doing.
► 00:14:03
They're just eating cake.
► 00:14:04
Even California now, they're recognizing, like, Los Angeles is hitting a massive crime wave.
► 00:14:09
Like, fucking crime is everywhere.
► 00:14:11
I know so many friends who their apartment's been broken into, their car's been broken into, they've been robbed.
► 00:14:17
So many people are getting robbed there.
► 00:14:18
It's just a totally different situation.
► 00:14:21
And, you know, that makes it more dangerous, but it also makes it more fun.
► 00:14:25
A little more fun.
► 00:14:27
Yeah.
► 00:14:27
Philly's doing that, too.
► 00:14:29
Like Burr was saying when he did Saturday Night Live, and when he did that sketch, or that opening monologue, rather, and he talked about, what's his name, that got punched, the little dude?
► 00:14:38
Yeah, yeah, the guy from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
► 00:14:41
What the fuck's his name?
► 00:14:42
Rick Moranis.
► 00:14:42
Rick Moranis.
► 00:14:43
They punched Rick Moranis.
► 00:14:45
He goes, New York's back, baby!
► 00:14:47
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:14:49
That was a rough one, dude.
► 00:14:51
Rick took one on the chin.
► 00:14:52
Yeah, he, out of nowhere, for no reason.
► 00:14:54
Someone just sucker punched him.
► 00:14:55
But that's what happens when you have all this...
► 00:14:57
You shouldn't have shrunk those fucking kids.
► 00:14:58
That's probably that homeless guy.
► 00:14:59
I probably saw that.
► 00:15:00
Maybe.
► 00:15:01
You got mad.
► 00:15:02
I don't like people playing with my kids.
► 00:15:03
Right.
► 00:15:04
Probably.
► 00:15:05
It's all this crazy rhetoric.
► 00:15:08
White people are terrible rhetoric.
► 00:15:10
A lot of just run up to random whiteys and punch them.
► 00:15:14
Yeah.
► 00:15:15
That's good, though.
► 00:15:15
Keeps our head on a swivel a little.
► 00:15:17
Maybe.
► 00:15:17
It's time for the whiteys to start.
► 00:15:19
When you're 60 years old and you don't know karate, and you're Rick Moranis, it's probably not the best.
► 00:15:24
It's getting leveled.
► 00:15:25
Yeah, and that guy's not going to recover from that well.
► 00:15:28
No.
► 00:15:29
You know?
► 00:15:31
He's not Mark Hunt.
► 00:15:32
Yeah, he'll bounce back.
► 00:15:35
Rick's tough, dude.
► 00:15:36
What do you know about Rick?
► 00:15:37
I don't know anything about Rick.
► 00:15:38
He's got a chin.
► 00:15:39
I'm just taking a guess.
► 00:15:40
I don't think so.
► 00:15:41
He went down pretty quick.
► 00:15:42
It was a sneak shot, dude.
► 00:15:43
It was a sneak shot.
► 00:15:44
That's true.
► 00:15:46
Yeah.
► 00:15:46
You can see his instincts kick in a little.
► 00:15:48
Really?
► 00:15:48
You think so?
► 00:15:49
A little covering up?
► 00:15:50
Yeah, if you watch it close, you'll see Rick.
► 00:15:51
I thought that was like a seizure.
► 00:15:53
No, he definitely did not.
► 00:15:54
He did not react at all.
► 00:15:56
He got leveled.
► 00:15:58
A day later, he was like, what happened?
► 00:16:01
Yeah.
► 00:16:02
Tim told me, Dylan told me that he was in Times Square and he felt like he was being hunted.
► 00:16:07
He's like, dude, it's so dangerous there now.
► 00:16:10
It used to be so easy to walk, and now you walk into the streets, you feel like a victim.
► 00:16:14
Yeah.
► 00:16:15
Yeah, it's crazy.
► 00:16:17
But I just moved there.
► 00:16:18
I moved there like a year before COVID started.
► 00:16:21
Oh, really?
► 00:16:22
Yeah.
► 00:16:22
From where?
► 00:16:23
Philly.
► 00:16:23
Oh, that's where you're from?
► 00:16:24
Yeah.
► 00:16:25
No, I'm from Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.
► 00:16:27
Where'd you start doing stand-up?
► 00:16:29
The first open mics I did were at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone.
► 00:16:32
My parents used to live in Harrisburg.
► 00:16:34
What?
► 00:16:34
Yeah.
► 00:16:35
Yeah, that's where I started.
► 00:16:36
Nice.
► 00:16:37
Yeah, they moved to Harrisburg for a while.
► 00:16:38
They lived in Harrisburg, and they lived somewhere else out there.
► 00:16:42
There was another, like, real rural area of Pennsylvania.
► 00:16:45
I'm like, people who think of Pennsylvania, they think of Philly.
► 00:16:49
You know, you think of Pennsylvania, you think of Pittsburgh, you think Philly, you think cities.
► 00:16:53
You're out there, you just smell cow shit, and you see deer everywhere.
► 00:16:56
Lancaster, PA, a lot of Amish.
► 00:16:59
Mechanicsburgs.
► 00:17:00
It was white trash.
► 00:17:01
It's getting a little more...
► 00:17:02
It's getting gentrified.
► 00:17:04
Is it?
► 00:17:04
Yeah.
► 00:17:05
Well, people are spreading out.
► 00:17:07
I think that's one thing that happened with COVID. People are moving out of cities in a lot of places.
► 00:17:12
There's still plenty of people in cities, obviously.
► 00:17:14
But a lot of folks are like, do I need to do this?
► 00:17:17
I can work from home.
► 00:17:18
Yeah.
► 00:17:19
Yeah, that'd be nice.
► 00:17:20
I think that's the plan, eventually.
► 00:17:22
For you?
► 00:17:22
Like, to get good enough at stand-up to do, like, what Nate Borgazzi's doing, just living in fucking Tennessee.
► 00:17:28
Nashville.
► 00:17:28
Just traveling, yeah.
► 00:17:29
Or you could live out here.
► 00:17:30
This is the move.
► 00:17:31
I don't know, man.
► 00:17:32
You don't like it out here?
► 00:17:33
No, I like it.
► 00:17:34
It's fine.
► 00:17:35
I like the Northeast.
► 00:17:36
Yeah.
► 00:17:37
I do.
► 00:17:37
I get it.
► 00:17:38
And I just got in at the cellar and all that, so.
► 00:17:40
Yeah.
► 00:17:41
I want to do that for a while.
► 00:17:42
Well, you could always just travel around, too.
► 00:17:45
You could always just get a condo.
► 00:17:49
Guys like Tim that have places out here that you could stay at, I would buy a comedy condo, but I do not trust comedians.
► 00:17:56
For the club, I would have a condo out here where comics could stay, but they'll ruin it.
► 00:18:01
They will ruin it.
► 00:18:02
They'll punch a hole in the wall and piss on it and then show me a video.
► 00:18:06
I'm like, what are you doing?
► 00:18:07
Come on, man, you're rich.
► 00:18:09
Come on, dude!
► 00:18:10
The fuck was funny!
► 00:18:11
I swear to God, before I came here, me and Ari were talking about that.
Chris Jericho's Walls of Jericho
00:08:52
► 00:18:13
It was funny!
► 00:18:14
We're staying at Tim's place.
► 00:18:15
We should just fucking destroy this house.
► 00:18:17
That's what I'm saying!
► 00:18:18
And if it's mine, they probably will.
► 00:18:20
Yeah.
► 00:18:21
Yeah.
► 00:18:21
Yeah, for sure.
► 00:18:22
I would never do that.
► 00:18:22
I know you wouldn't.
► 00:18:24
But some guys would.
► 00:18:24
Not to you.
► 00:18:25
Some guys might.
► 00:18:26
Yeah, some guys for sure will.
► 00:18:27
But they don't know you know fucking karate, dude.
► 00:18:28
They know.
► 00:18:28
Fuck them up.
► 00:18:29
They don't care.
► 00:18:30
Just a leg kick?
► 00:18:31
And then they'll be happy.
► 00:18:32
They'll sue you.
► 00:18:33
And then they'll make even more money.
► 00:18:34
True.
► 00:18:34
I dare you to fucking leg kick me.
► 00:18:36
Like, all I did was make a video of pissing in a hole in his wall.
► 00:18:39
Whatever.
► 00:18:40
What's this guy's problem?
► 00:18:41
Tell me he hasn't done that before?
► 00:18:43
You ever piss in a hole in the wall?
► 00:18:45
If I had a hole in someone's wall and I was drunk and it was funny and somebody had a camera, I'd probably do it.
► 00:18:50
Yeah, absolutely.
► 00:18:50
Yeah.
► 00:18:52
You know, because you think you're never going to get that piss out of the wall.
► 00:18:55
Yeah.
► 00:18:56
I had a friend that did that.
► 00:18:57
He was at a house party and he got in a fight.
► 00:18:59
And then he went and punched a hole in the wall and threw up in it.
► 00:19:04
John Nunn, what up, bro?
► 00:19:05
I think he's trying to have a career right now.
► 00:19:08
What's he having a career in?
► 00:19:09
I think actually film.
► 00:19:11
He does.
► 00:19:12
He can only help.
► 00:19:13
Yeah, he'll be fine.
► 00:19:15
But that was a good story.
► 00:19:15
I think he got stabbed, too, at this party.
► 00:19:17
Oh, Jesus Christ.
► 00:19:18
That's a real party.
► 00:19:19
Yeah, he had a party.
► 00:19:20
Punching a hole in the wall after losing a fight and throwing up in it.
► 00:19:23
Have you ever been in a party where a full melee brawl breaks out?
► 00:19:27
Like a bunch of- yeah, yeah in college.
► 00:19:30
I was in one- just when I graduated high school.
► 00:19:33
There was a kid who was- I think he was from Iran and his family had a lot of money and they had a mansion in Beacon Hill.
► 00:19:42
I think it was in Beacon Hill.
► 00:19:43
I'm trying to remember.
► 00:19:45
I don't know.
► 00:19:46
But it was somewhere in the Newton, Massachusetts area where they have like a lot of money.
► 00:19:50
And this kid just invited everybody over to his house.
► 00:19:54
So all these people that he didn't know.
► 00:19:56
Hundreds of kids were at this guy's party.
► 00:19:58
And this girl, I still to this day can't remember what she did.
► 00:20:03
She either threw a drink in a guy's face or she hit him.
► 00:20:06
I can't remember what happened.
► 00:20:07
But I was there when the first spark started the fire.
► 00:20:11
I remember exactly where I was.
► 00:20:13
There was like a staircase and there was like this banister and I was watching it from here and I saw, I don't remember, I think she threw a drink at him.
► 00:20:22
And this dude just fucking uncorks a picture-perfect right hand in her face.
► 00:20:28
A lady?
► 00:20:29
Bam!
► 00:20:30
Her head snaps back.
► 00:20:32
She goes out.
► 00:20:33
She falls back.
► 00:20:34
And then madness.
► 00:20:36
And then madness.
► 00:20:37
And then there's fucking people jumping on people and smashing things and throwing people over stairs.
► 00:20:43
And I'm like fucking ducking and I make my way out.
► 00:20:47
There's piles of people.
► 00:20:48
I'm looking for my friends.
► 00:20:49
It was wild.
► 00:20:51
Well, it was pre-Twitter.
► 00:20:51
That's how they handled this.
► 00:20:52
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:20:53
It was like the 80s.
► 00:20:55
It was wild.
► 00:20:56
I'll never forget it.
► 00:20:58
It was just like, all of a sudden, you could feel it in the air.
► 00:21:00
People were just looking to punch people.
► 00:21:02
It's like something happens to people when there's a mob mentality thing.
► 00:21:06
People were just looking to punch people.
► 00:21:08
You could tell.
► 00:21:08
People didn't even know anybody.
► 00:21:10
They were just looking at you like, maybe I'll punch you.
► 00:21:12
You're like, hey!
► 00:21:13
I'm trying to get out of here.
► 00:21:14
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:21:14
It's like, whose side are you on?
► 00:21:15
Yeah, no sides.
► 00:21:17
Get me the fuck out of here.
► 00:21:18
I snuck through it without getting hit, and I got outside, and friends of mine were, like, in piles.
► 00:21:23
These piles of people fighting random piles of other people.
► 00:21:26
The last one, it was in high school, we got in a group fight.
► 00:21:28
I went to the Catholic high school, the public high school.
► 00:21:31
We decided to meet to fight, and I guess half their guys didn't show up to the fight, so me and, yeah, we just jumped to them.
► 00:21:39
How many kids?
► 00:21:40
How many?
► 00:21:40
It was probably like, we were probably about 20 to 30 deep.
► 00:21:44
They were probably like 10. We just beat the fuck out of these kids.
► 00:21:48
My one friend Bison, dude, he was like...
► 00:21:51
You have a friend named Bison?
► 00:21:52
Yeah, it's his nickname.
► 00:21:53
He's going to be very happy when he hears this.
► 00:21:54
He was a big guy.
► 00:21:55
He was way out of high school.
► 00:21:56
He was like 24. He showed up.
► 00:21:58
Oh no!
► 00:21:59
He was huge.
► 00:22:00
He started doing wrestling moves to these kids.
► 00:22:03
Oh no!
► 00:22:03
He had a kid in a lion tamer.
► 00:22:04
Put him in the walls of Jericho.
► 00:22:06
Jesus Christ.
► 00:22:08
Kid was crying.
► 00:22:08
Jesus Christ.
► 00:22:09
It was wonderful, yeah.
► 00:22:10
That's child abuse.
► 00:22:11
That was, yeah.
► 00:22:12
He should face charges.
► 00:22:13
He should face charges.
► 00:22:14
Something.
► 00:22:14
Someone should call his mom, at least.
► 00:22:16
Yeah, but it was funny, because a lot of the kids who were afraid to fight, that were with us, my friends, were kind of hiding.
► 00:22:22
It was at night, so they were hiding in the dark.
► 00:22:24
And then once one kid from the other school went down, they'd all swarm and start kicking him in the face and shit.
► 00:22:29
Jesus Christ.
► 00:22:31
My mentality is real.
► 00:22:33
That's the walls of Jericho.
► 00:22:33
Yes, that's what happened.
► 00:22:34
That's what he meant.
► 00:22:34
Now imagine a 25-year-old man who was like 350 pounds.
► 00:22:40
So a MMA fighter used the walls of Jericho to win a match?
► 00:22:43
That's Chris Jericho.
► 00:22:44
That's his name.
► 00:22:44
Right, right, right.
► 00:22:45
But what MMA fighter used that to win a match?
► 00:22:48
Oh, no, no.
► 00:22:48
In his fight.
► 00:22:49
No, no, no.
► 00:22:50
See, it says MMA fighter.
► 00:22:52
Oh, Jesus Christ.
► 00:22:52
I didn't see that.
► 00:22:53
That's what you're seeing.
► 00:22:53
Yeah.
► 00:22:54
Jamie.
► 00:22:54
Jamie's blind.
► 00:22:55
I wasn't looking at the screen.
► 00:22:55
Who the fuck used that in a fight?
► 00:22:58
If you used that in a...
► 00:22:59
Oh, my God.
► 00:22:59
It really did.
► 00:23:01
Look at this.
► 00:23:02
Whoa.
► 00:23:04
Oh my god.
► 00:23:05
That works, man.
► 00:23:07
That's tremendous pressure on your back.
► 00:23:09
That's crazy.
► 00:23:10
Yeah, I saw it happen to a guy.
► 00:23:10
He cried.
► 00:23:12
So they're calling it a Boston Crab?
► 00:23:13
Is that a Boston Crab?
► 00:23:15
Dude, you're tagged in that.
► 00:23:17
I know.
► 00:23:17
I asked for a long time ago.
► 00:23:19
That's hilarious.
► 00:23:19
Look, it says Jamie Vernon.
► 00:23:22
197 weeks ago.
► 00:23:24
Wow.
► 00:23:24
Look at that.
► 00:23:25
That seems like it would hurt.
► 00:23:27
Like, legit work.
► 00:23:28
And once someone has your legs in that position and they've got their center of gravity over your lower back, you're not really getting out of that.
► 00:23:36
I don't see how to get out of that.
► 00:23:38
Like, if you get to that position right there, you're kind of fucked.
► 00:23:41
Every single younger brother on earth has had that happen to them.
► 00:23:45
It's like you shouldn't ever get to that spot, but if someone does get you to that spot, I'm trying to think of how you would get out of that.
► 00:23:53
I don't think there's a clear way out of that.
► 00:23:56
Because the way your body is bent, like you would have to figure out a way to rotate, but you're not going to rotate with full hold of your legs like that, and then someone leaning on your back, and you're trying to turn, you're fucked.
► 00:24:07
Yeah.
► 00:24:08
That might be like the ultimate finishing move.
► 00:24:11
It's just pain though.
► 00:24:12
Yeah.
► 00:24:13
The thing about that, it's like, it's not going to take you out.
► 00:24:15
That?
► 00:24:15
It's just going to hurt.
► 00:24:16
That could fuck your spine up, right?
► 00:24:18
No, I don't think so.
► 00:24:20
I think it just puts your spine in a very bad position where it hurts a lot.
► 00:24:23
Yeah.
► 00:24:24
Here it is.
► 00:24:24
Is this the same fight or a different one?
► 00:24:26
I think it's the same thing because it just was like a cleaner video of it.
► 00:24:31
Oh yeah.
► 00:24:34
Nope.
► 00:24:34
Different guy.
► 00:24:35
Different guy.
► 00:24:36
This is another guy doing it.
► 00:24:37
Sure.
► 00:24:38
I think so, because he stuck his tongue out.
► 00:24:40
I think that guy did it, too.
► 00:24:41
Oh, really?
► 00:24:42
Yeah, you're right.
► 00:24:43
You're right.
► 00:24:43
Look at the shorts.
► 00:24:44
Same color shorts.
► 00:24:45
Yep, that's him.
► 00:24:47
They just didn't have the full video.
► 00:24:49
That's crazy that he did that.
► 00:24:50
Because once you get into that position, like when someone has both of your legs tucked under the arms like that, I don't know what you're going to be able to do.
► 00:25:00
You know what this is?
► 00:25:01
This is a guy who's way better.
► 00:25:02
The guy in the blue, he's way better, and the other guy's already done.
► 00:25:06
Yeah, he did a wrestling move to him.
► 00:25:07
He decides to have some fun.
► 00:25:11
He's tapping.
► 00:25:12
That's crazy.
► 00:25:13
Yeah, you have to tap from that.
► 00:25:14
The key is to never let yourself get into that position.
► 00:25:18
Shout out to that fella, whoever he is.
► 00:25:20
Yeah, he should have not gotten in the ring.
► 00:25:22
John O'Mears.
► 00:25:24
John O'Mears?
► 00:25:25
John O-J-O-N-N-O is his first name.
► 00:25:27
John O'Mears.
► 00:25:27
Jono Mears.
► 00:25:29
Yeah.
► 00:25:30
Congratulations, Jono.
► 00:25:31
So that's a Boston Crab, or is that the Walls of Jericho?
► 00:25:34
What's the difference?
► 00:25:35
I think both.
► 00:25:35
I think it's Chris Jericho doing it makes it the Walls of Jericho, otherwise it's a Boston Crab.
► 00:25:39
Oh, yeah.
► 00:25:39
Makes sense.
► 00:25:40
Shout out to the other guy, too.
► 00:25:41
Congratulations on reliving the worst thing that's ever happened to you on a gigantic platform.
► 00:25:47
It's not the worst way to get tapped.
► 00:25:49
What?
► 00:25:49
Yeah.
► 00:25:50
No.
► 00:25:51
There's worse ways, for sure.
► 00:25:53
Wrist walks.
► 00:25:55
Oh, yeah.
► 00:25:56
People get so sad and someone catches them from the wrist lock.
► 00:25:58
Jesus Christ.
► 00:26:00
A wrist lock in an MMA fight is a very embarrassing moment.
► 00:26:03
Really?
► 00:26:03
Yeah.
► 00:26:03
It's embarrassing.
► 00:26:04
Because it hurts like hell.
► 00:26:05
Like, you will tap.
► 00:26:06
But, like, in jujitsu, it's, like, the most embarrassing way to get tapped.
► 00:26:10
If somebody gets you in a wrist lock.
► 00:26:12
Really?
► 00:26:12
Yeah.
► 00:26:13
I thought the most embarrassing is getting tapped by like a girl, right?
► 00:26:16
That happens.
► 00:26:17
And that happens to everybody that does jiu-jitsu.
► 00:26:19
Yep, 100%.
► 00:26:20
Yeah.
► 00:26:21
They always show up early and they're like, I'll be pretty good at this.
► 00:26:24
And then they pair you up with a girl.
► 00:26:26
Then all of a sudden she's fucking behind your back, chucking the shit out of you.
► 00:26:29
Yeah, you're like, I thought I'd be into this.
► 00:26:32
It's humiliating.
► 00:26:32
When you find out a woman can kill you, it's very sad.
► 00:26:35
A woman who weighs less than you, who's weaker than you, but she can kill you?
► 00:26:39
Yeah.
► 00:26:40
Easily?
► 00:26:40
I don't want to find out.
► 00:26:41
Multiple times?
► 00:26:42
Yeah.
► 00:26:42
Like, Duncan.
► 00:26:43
I got Duncan a year of jiu-jitsu once for Christmas, and he went to classes, and he was doing it with his girl, and she was new.
Sexual Orientation Controversy
00:07:24
► 00:26:51
She wasn't even an expert.
► 00:26:53
Oh, they were starting together.
► 00:26:55
They're both starting together and she was strangling him.
► 00:26:58
And I was like, oh, Duncan, we got to work on this.
► 00:27:00
No.
► 00:27:01
No, just get out of the sport.
► 00:27:03
It's not for you.
► 00:27:03
He's like, dude, she just killed me.
► 00:27:07
Yeah, you got to go home.
► 00:27:08
Yeah.
► 00:27:09
He eventually decided it was not for him.
► 00:27:12
He could have stuck with it, though.
► 00:27:14
He would have figured it out.
► 00:27:15
And then one day beat a girl?
► 00:27:16
No, beat guys.
► 00:27:18
He moved from girls to guys.
► 00:27:21
I guess.
► 00:27:21
Look, I don't do that stuff.
► 00:27:23
When I started, there was very few women doing it.
► 00:27:26
Very few.
► 00:27:26
It was really rare.
► 00:27:28
I remember football when I was a kid.
► 00:27:29
When we were very young, there'd be girls.
► 00:27:32
Wow.
► 00:27:32
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:27:33
That's wild.
► 00:27:33
I remember that, yeah.
► 00:27:34
Those girls are wild.
► 00:27:35
They were.
► 00:27:36
Any girl willing to play tackle football with boys?
► 00:27:39
Yeah.
► 00:27:40
Holy shit.
► 00:27:41
And then once, you know, then we all hit puberty and they couldn't.
► 00:27:43
Yeah.
► 00:27:44
They couldn't play, but there was some.
► 00:27:45
There was some lingering around.
► 00:27:47
Some giant lesbians.
► 00:27:49
Did you see that giant transgender woman that's playing rugby in Australia?
► 00:27:54
No.
► 00:27:54
She probably rules.
► 00:27:55
Yeah, she's the king.
► 00:27:57
She's the king.
► 00:27:58
She's the king.
► 00:27:59
She's a 250 pound man.
► 00:28:01
She's trucking people?
► 00:28:01
She's Samoan?
► 00:28:02
No, she's a white guy.
► 00:28:04
Oh, man.
► 00:28:04
She's a white guy.
► 00:28:06
Thank you.
► 00:28:08
You ever seen it?
► 00:28:09
Show the video.
► 00:28:10
The video is hilarious.
► 00:28:11
They're always so funny.
► 00:28:13
I don't even know if this person's undergone any transition because we've gotten to this super preposterous point where you can just say you're a woman.
► 00:28:19
You don't have to do anything.
► 00:28:20
Like, there's a thing about a woman getting arrested for child molestation.
► 00:28:24
Yeah.
► 00:28:25
And I'll send the video because I'm going to send you this, Jamie.
► 00:28:29
That's what teachers should do.
► 00:28:31
But no, no, no.
► 00:28:31
You have to see this because this woman has a beard.
► 00:28:36
Yeah, look at this.
► 00:28:36
Shit, dude.
► 00:28:37
Look at that.
► 00:28:38
Come on, look at the size of that male human being who is playing rugby against women.
► 00:28:46
I mean, hilarious, right?
► 00:28:47
Great tits, though.
► 00:28:48
Yeah, really good tits.
► 00:28:49
They did good there.
► 00:28:50
Brand new.
► 00:28:51
Ah, some nice tits you've got.
► 00:28:53
Yeah, I'm going to send you this, Jamie.
► 00:28:55
Hold on a second.
► 00:28:59
Damn, look at the mitts on that.
► 00:29:05
So, I just sent it to you, Jamie.
► 00:29:09
Yeah, that's a large person to be playing rugby against women.
► 00:29:12
And I would say that that was probably an unfair decision.
► 00:29:17
But who am I? I'll tell you what.
► 00:29:20
Woman charged after allegedly sexually assaulting boy six in Toronto Park.
► 00:29:26
Woman with stubble.
► 00:29:30
A crew cut.
► 00:29:31
The most manly face.
► 00:29:33
Like a square jaw.
► 00:29:34
That's a fucking male human being.
► 00:29:36
His name is Ruby.
► 00:29:38
Ruby Eby.
► 00:29:40
Okay.
► 00:29:41
It's a woman.
► 00:29:42
But look at the title.
► 00:29:44
The title says woman.
► 00:29:45
Yeah.
► 00:29:46
Shouldn't they at least say woman with a penis?
► 00:29:50
Who also has a stubble, also has a beard.
► 00:29:54
They don't even say anything about the person being transgender.
► 00:29:57
It's so hilarious.
► 00:29:58
We've gone through the looking glass where everything's nuts.
► 00:30:01
She is charged with sexual interference with a person under the age of 16 and sexual assault.
► 00:30:08
Is there any small chance that they just accidentally put the wrong picture up in the article?
► 00:30:14
What do you think?
► 00:30:15
Probably not, but it's happened before, and they're just like, oops, we put the wrong...
► 00:30:20
What, are you working for the Toronto government?
► 00:30:22
No, I'm just asking.
► 00:30:24
I'm just asking.
► 00:30:25
What's the matter with you?
► 00:30:26
Just asking.
► 00:30:26
What is the matter with you?
► 00:30:27
You don't support the six-year-old boy?
► 00:30:30
That's what I'm saying.
► 00:30:30
What the fuck, man?
► 00:30:31
Yeah, bro, you are a pro-molester.
► 00:30:35
The teachers should do that.
► 00:30:37
The male teachers that get in trouble for hooking up with kids.
► 00:30:40
They should be like, I actually identify as a woman.
► 00:30:42
Yeah, you get a way lighter sentence.
► 00:30:43
Yeah.
► 00:30:45
Women who molest boys, everybody's like, hmm, what's a woman?
► 00:30:48
I retract.
► 00:30:49
I've now Googled the name.
► 00:30:50
I see it everywhere.
► 00:30:51
I was just checking.
► 00:30:53
That looks, if I had a bet, guy or girl, I mean, I'm leaning heavily towards God.
► 00:31:00
On that woman?
► 00:31:00
On Ruby?
► 00:31:01
Yeah, on Ruby, the guy, the girl, the woman.
► 00:31:03
I'm gonna take her word for it.
► 00:31:04
Wow, you're amazing.
► 00:31:06
You're so open-minded.
► 00:31:07
I don't care what she's done in the past.
► 00:31:09
Yeah, right?
► 00:31:10
Like, why should we judge?
► 00:31:11
Walk a mile in her shoes.
► 00:31:13
That's another thing they're trying to do now.
► 00:31:14
They're trying to say that that's a sexual orientation and that being a pedophile is actually a sexual orientation.
► 00:31:21
Technically it is.
► 00:31:22
Technically it is that.
► 00:31:24
It's just a bad one.
► 00:31:25
It's the worst one.
► 00:31:26
It's the worst one you can do.
► 00:31:27
Yeah.
► 00:31:29
We talked about it recently.
► 00:31:31
I saw a professor talking about how a woman, or a man rather, could have a sexual consenting relationship with a 13-year-old.
► 00:31:42
And I was like, what in the fuck are you saying?
► 00:31:45
Maybe he's a viking.
► 00:31:46
Maybe it's a guy with no kids.
► 00:31:47
How about that?
► 00:31:47
Yeah, yeah, probably.
► 00:31:48
Yeah, because you have no kids, you think stupid shit because you think it makes you sound progressive.
► 00:31:53
Yeah.
► 00:31:53
Yeah.
► 00:31:55
That's a tough one to get to through being progressive.
► 00:31:58
It's a tough one.
► 00:32:00
Yeah.
► 00:32:00
I don't know, man.
► 00:32:01
People can make some fucking weird mental leaps in gymnastics.
► 00:32:05
They can justify some wacky shit.
► 00:32:09
There's also people that are just a real contrarian.
► 00:32:11
They just want things to be okay, even if they're not okay, so they'll argue for it as an intellectual exercise.
► 00:32:17
You know?
► 00:32:18
Yeah, for sure.
► 00:32:19
They do.
► 00:32:19
It's fucking strange.
► 00:32:21
That'd be a tough one to present, though.
► 00:32:23
Be like, no, this is how I feel.
► 00:32:24
I think pedophiles...
► 00:32:26
You would say that, but we are so through the looking glass with so many things that really are preposterous that I'm not sure if that's the case anymore.
► 00:32:35
You know, like the idea that you can't be racist if you're a person of color.
► 00:32:39
It's not possible.
► 00:32:40
Because race has something to do with power.
► 00:32:43
Like, okay.
► 00:32:44
That's not true.
► 00:32:46
That's not true.
► 00:32:47
Of course.
► 00:32:48
Yeah, we know that.
► 00:32:49
We know it's not true.
► 00:32:50
We've literally seen it and experienced it.
► 00:32:52
They know it's not true too, but they're counting on the fact that the people that say this, first of all, they're all people of color, so they're in a protected class, or they're white people who feel extra guilty, so they want you to feel bad.
► 00:33:05
And so they want to show you that they're on the side, the good side.
► 00:33:08
They're on the side of the people that are anti-racist.
► 00:33:11
The thing about the white people...
► 00:33:13
Or the people of color can't be racist is because, like, you call a white person, like, yeah, whatever, cracker.
► 00:33:18
We're like, yeah, whatever.
► 00:33:19
But they found a loophole, and it's to call us racist.
► 00:33:23
That one hurts.
► 00:33:24
That does hurt.
► 00:33:24
That's like our N-word.
► 00:33:25
That is.
► 00:33:26
Someone's like, you're racist.
► 00:33:27
What did you say about me?
► 00:33:28
It's even worse because it makes you feel guilty.
► 00:33:31
Sure.
► 00:33:31
Because if someone calls you a bad word, like a negative stereotype about your race, they're the piece of shit, not you.
► 00:33:38
But if someone calls you a racist, now you have to defend yourself against being a piece of shit.
► 00:33:43
Yeah, it's tough.
► 00:33:44
I've been there.
► 00:33:45
It's a tough one to defend against.
► 00:33:46
What was your experience like with the whole SNL debacle thing?
► 00:33:50
What was that like?
► 00:33:53
It's very, very crazy.
► 00:33:54
I don't know.
► 00:33:55
It's tough to...
► 00:33:56
There's not many people that you can even talk to about it.
First Cancelled Episode
00:15:18
► 00:34:00
Because it fucks you up a little.
► 00:34:02
It makes you not trust people and shit for a while.
► 00:34:07
Like in what way?
► 00:34:08
I don't know.
► 00:34:09
I don't know how to explain it.
► 00:34:11
But back to the experience of it was like...
► 00:34:16
It was kind of surreal.
► 00:34:17
I was one of the first people to get canceled or however you want to say it.
► 00:34:22
Consequences?
► 00:34:23
However you want to say it.
► 00:34:24
It doesn't matter what we call it.
► 00:34:26
It is what it is.
► 00:34:27
I was one of the first people to go from...
► 00:34:30
I was poor.
► 00:34:33
I was not famous at all.
► 00:34:34
I was poor.
► 00:34:36
And then I got canceled immediately.
► 00:34:38
It was a very different experience.
► 00:34:41
You didn't get famous and then get canceled.
► 00:34:44
You got canceled on the way.
► 00:34:46
I got canceled immediately.
► 00:34:47
Yeah.
► 00:34:47
They literally were like, how about this guy?
► 00:34:49
And everyone was like, no.
► 00:34:51
So you got cast on SNL. Yes.
► 00:34:53
And then what happened?
► 00:34:57
So I found out I was getting on SNL the day before they announced it.
► 00:35:01
They got a call.
► 00:35:02
They're like, hey, we want to put you on the cast.
► 00:35:04
The whole time I was...
► 00:35:06
We'll start from the top.
► 00:35:09
My agents and all those people, they were like, do you want to send a packet in for SNL? And I was like, no.
► 00:35:17
I'm not going to be a writer.
► 00:35:19
I won't work on that show.
► 00:35:21
And then I guess they saw me at JFL and Comedy Central thing, and they were like, we like him, we want him to audition.
► 00:35:27
He can come straight in to audition.
► 00:35:29
So I went straight to the main stage for the audition.
► 00:35:32
And the whole time leading up to it, I was like, I'm never going to get this.
► 00:35:35
I don't care.
► 00:35:36
I want to do stand-up.
► 00:35:38
I kind of hated SNL at that point.
► 00:35:40
Because every sketch was like...
► 00:35:43
You know, you know what it is.
► 00:35:44
Yeah.
► 00:35:45
And then I was like, I'll never fit in there.
► 00:35:48
And then when you go to audition, it's just, you just wait your turn in a green room and they keep you there extra long for like two or three hours to like make you nervous.
► 00:35:58
Really?
► 00:35:58
But I knew I was certain I was never going to get it.
► 00:36:01
And I really wasn't nervous.
► 00:36:02
I was in there fucking dipping, hanging out.
► 00:36:05
And then they were like, all right, it's your turn to go.
► 00:36:08
But that's when the nerves hit.
► 00:36:09
You walk in and you see the main stage.
► 00:36:11
Because that's what you audition on.
► 00:36:13
It's like the stage.
► 00:36:14
And it's a totally empty studio.
► 00:36:16
The whole room's empty except for a table of writers and producers and Lorne Michaels.
► 00:36:21
And then you go on and they're like, three, two, go do five minutes.
► 00:36:25
Wow.
► 00:36:26
In front of just a camera.
► 00:36:27
And are you doing stand-up?
► 00:36:28
I did stand-up.
► 00:36:29
Wow.
► 00:36:30
I did five minutes of stand-up.
► 00:36:31
That's all.
► 00:36:32
And then I ran into Michael Che that night.
► 00:36:37
And I was like, I was so nervous.
► 00:36:38
Like, I was so nervous when I was auditioning that I had to, like, hold the mic against my chin because my hand was fucking shaking.
► 00:36:43
It was crazy.
► 00:36:44
There's no one in the room.
► 00:36:45
You just have to do stand-up for five minutes to no one.
► 00:36:48
That's so weird.
► 00:36:49
It was so weird.
► 00:36:50
And you're not supposed to look at or acknowledge the table of writers and producers or whatever.
► 00:36:54
They have rules?
► 00:36:56
They have rules that your agents tell you.
► 00:37:00
They never told you any rules.
► 00:37:01
So your agent says, do not look at the writers.
► 00:37:04
Yeah, they're like, don't even acknowledge them.
► 00:37:05
Pretend the room's full.
► 00:37:06
Just go.
► 00:37:07
And everybody was like, they're never going to laugh.
► 00:37:09
The table, Lauren, all them, they're not going to laugh.
► 00:37:12
First thing I said, they all started laughing.
► 00:37:13
And I was like, I was supposed to not acknowledge them.
► 00:37:16
But, you know, I was doing stand-up.
► 00:37:17
Do you remember what you said?
► 00:37:20
No, I don't.
► 00:37:22
Genuinely.
► 00:37:22
You just did a bit.
► 00:37:24
Yeah, I was nervous.
► 00:37:27
But as soon as they started laughing, I was like...
► 00:37:29
And then went back to...
► 00:37:30
You know what I mean?
► 00:37:30
I was looking at them.
► 00:37:31
I could see they were laughing.
► 00:37:33
I was told the whole time, no one's gonna laugh.
► 00:37:35
They were laughing.
► 00:37:36
I was like, oh, fuck.
► 00:37:37
I did pretty good.
► 00:37:38
Ran into Che that night.
► 00:37:39
I was like, ah, I sucked.
► 00:37:40
I was nervous.
► 00:37:41
He was like, no, you were...
► 00:37:42
That was good.
► 00:37:44
Then...
► 00:37:45
A couple days later, you get a call back, and you go into the office, and you meet everybody, and you walk around and talk to everybody.
► 00:37:50
And the people I was with that were also doing that, then you go into Lorne Michaels' office to meet him.
► 00:37:57
So the three people I was with, they all went in slowly, met him, left.
► 00:38:02
One guy didn't even get invited in.
► 00:38:04
They just sent him home, which is fucked up.
► 00:38:06
They invited him to the call back, and then were like, no, never mind.
► 00:38:09
Wow.
► 00:38:10
And then they kept me there for an extra hour by myself.
► 00:38:15
And I was just sitting there like, oh fuck, I got this.
► 00:38:17
I can't believe I got this.
► 00:38:20
I wasn't even excited.
► 00:38:21
I was just like, this is wild.
► 00:38:23
This is fucking nuts.
► 00:38:25
And then I go in and meet with Lauren and he's the man.
► 00:38:28
He's a nice guy.
► 00:38:30
And he was like, I'm going to use you, but I don't know how.
► 00:38:34
And like all that shit.
► 00:38:35
And then time passes and I figured they were going to ask me to be a writer.
► 00:38:39
Because that's usually how it goes.
► 00:38:41
Usually you work on the show to experience what the show's like.
► 00:38:45
But...
► 00:38:46
I don't know.
► 00:38:47
I didn't want to be a writer.
► 00:38:48
By all accounts, that place is a den of thieves.
► 00:38:51
Everybody, yeah.
► 00:38:52
A den of thieves.
► 00:38:53
You hear Jim Brewer's account of the climate in that place, and it's horrific.
► 00:38:59
They're all stealing from writers.
► 00:39:01
They're stealing from performers.
► 00:39:03
If you're a writer and you submit your packages, the higher-up writers will steal your shit, according to Brewer.
► 00:39:09
Yeah.
► 00:39:10
If you submit a package, they own that package, even if they don't hire you.
► 00:39:14
I know that.
► 00:39:15
So if you have some great premises, they decide they're just going to take your premises and not hire you, they own all those bits?
► 00:39:21
Yeah.
► 00:39:22
It's crazy.
► 00:39:23
I mean, yeah, I don't care about writing.
► 00:39:26
I didn't want to be a writer.
► 00:39:27
Right, of course.
► 00:39:28
So I was like, even if they offer me the writing thing, I was like, I don't want to take it.
► 00:39:33
I think I would have at the time.
► 00:39:34
But anyway, they asked me to go straight to cast.
► 00:39:38
So I was like, yeah, I'll definitely do that.
► 00:39:41
Lauren calls, says, hey, we want to use you on the show.
► 00:39:45
We're going to announce it tomorrow.
► 00:39:47
He was like, do you have anything you want us to check out?
► 00:39:51
They have people that vet you, but they're not used to people having podcasts.
► 00:39:56
Right.
► 00:39:56
So they'd have to go through hundreds of hours of shit.
► 00:39:57
They'd go through your Facebook, your Instagram, your Twitter.
► 00:40:00
I was just like, I'll just delete all that shit.
► 00:40:02
I don't care.
► 00:40:03
Delete it all.
► 00:40:04
Right.
► 00:40:05
But I was like, I also have a podcast.
► 00:40:06
And they're like, yeah, what's that?
► 00:40:07
And I was like, I don't know.
► 00:40:08
I say like gay and retard a lot.
► 00:40:11
They were like, oh, that's fine.
► 00:40:13
Don't worry about it.
► 00:40:14
So I was like, all right, we'll see.
► 00:40:16
And so the day they announced it, It was cool.
► 00:40:21
It was very cool.
► 00:40:22
You hear from everybody you've ever grown up with.
► 00:40:24
They're all like, holy shit.
► 00:40:25
I can't believe you're on this.
► 00:40:27
So that lasted for about three hours before an article came out.
► 00:40:31
That was like, here's what this guy says.
► 00:40:34
There's a clip of me saying something.
► 00:40:36
You know, unsavory stuff.
► 00:40:39
Yeah.
► 00:40:40
Talking shit.
► 00:40:41
It was the one podcast we ever filmed.
► 00:40:45
That's the one they used.
► 00:40:47
And it just happened.
► 00:40:49
And it was funny too, because people were like, man, they really had to dig to find this.
► 00:40:52
I was like, that's probably like three minutes in.
► 00:40:55
We had one podcast online and it was three minutes in.
► 00:40:58
Well, it's what we were saying earlier.
► 00:41:00
That's what podcasts are.
► 00:41:02
And that's what comics do a lot.
► 00:41:03
We talk shit.
► 00:41:04
It doesn't mean you really mean those things.
► 00:41:06
But the idea today is that talking shit is not real.
► 00:41:09
They want to take...
► 00:41:11
Out of context phrases and sentences that you've used and put them in quotes and make you look like a monster.
► 00:41:18
Yeah.
► 00:41:19
Yeah, for sure.
► 00:41:20
It was only one article that came out?
► 00:41:22
No, there was a...
► 00:41:23
Quite a few?
► 00:41:24
So many articles.
► 00:41:25
I was...
► 00:41:25
I think I was number one on Twitter for like three straight days.
► 00:41:28
Wow.
► 00:41:28
Of just getting fucking eviscerated.
► 00:41:30
Did you read it all?
► 00:41:31
Oh, I read all of it.
► 00:41:32
Oh, no.
► 00:41:33
Yeah, everybody was like, stop reading comments.
► 00:41:34
I still read comments.
► 00:41:35
Do you?
► 00:41:35
I read every comment.
► 00:41:36
Why?
► 00:41:36
I don't know.
► 00:41:38
Oh.
► 00:41:38
It's fucked up.
► 00:41:39
And it's crazy, too, because I'll read like 90 good ones and then one bad one.
► 00:41:43
The one bad one will fuck you up.
► 00:41:45
Just depends which one it is.
► 00:41:46
Right.
► 00:41:47
You know?
► 00:41:47
I'll get called like...
► 00:41:49
You know, fat retard constantly.
► 00:41:51
I'll be like, yeah, whatever.
► 00:41:52
I can walk through that, no problem.
► 00:41:54
But then there'll be one that's like, he's nervous.
► 00:41:57
Like, something where they get you.
► 00:41:59
Where they know you.
► 00:42:00
Yeah.
► 00:42:01
Like, he laughs at his own jokes on every podcast.
► 00:42:03
It's like, Do I? Shit.
► 00:42:06
Right.
► 00:42:07
Anyway, so I get...
► 00:42:09
All that stuff comes out, and it was funny.
► 00:42:13
This is funny.
► 00:42:13
I went into Lorne Michaels' office, and he was talking, and I was convinced I was getting fired.
► 00:42:19
Like, I knew I was getting fired.
► 00:42:21
Because if they didn't get me on that, there's so much more.
► 00:42:24
So much worse.
► 00:42:28
So he was talking to me and he was like, no, we think we can...
► 00:42:31
He's like, if we just get you to the first episode, people will see you're not a piece of shit person.
► 00:42:37
Just talk.
► 00:42:38
And I was like, whatever.
► 00:42:40
If I get fired here, whatever, I'll just go do Joe Rogan next week and I'll be fine.
► 00:42:48
Anyway, I thought that was funny.
► 00:42:49
No?
► 00:42:50
What?
► 00:42:51
Is that what you thought?
► 00:42:53
I literally thought that.
► 00:42:54
Oh, okay.
► 00:42:55
Yeah, I thought it would be funny.
► 00:42:56
Well, it could have been funny.
► 00:42:58
Yeah.
► 00:42:58
I was booked up, though.
► 00:42:59
No, it was fine.
► 00:43:00
It was just funny to truly...
► 00:43:02
That was a conversation I actually had.
► 00:43:05
Really?
► 00:43:05
In Lorne Michaels' office in the middle of that.
► 00:43:08
That's hilarious.
► 00:43:09
I was in pure fucking panic.
► 00:43:12
Terror?
► 00:43:12
Yeah.
► 00:43:13
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:43:15
But...
► 00:43:15
Because I remember somebody contacted me to have you on, and I was like, I don't have any room.
► 00:43:21
I could do an emergency podcast, but I'm like, let me let this dude ride this out, and then we'll do one eventually.
► 00:43:27
Truly...
► 00:43:28
Glad that that did not happen.
► 00:43:30
Because I would have come in emotional.
► 00:43:32
I would have come in like guns blazing.
► 00:43:33
What happened to me isn't fair.
► 00:43:34
Right.
► 00:43:35
And I never felt that way.
► 00:43:37
Like the whole time I was like, I kind of get it.
► 00:43:38
When someone gets really canceled, you need perspective.
► 00:43:41
Yeah.
► 00:43:42
You know what it's like?
► 00:43:43
It's like you need that venom to work its way through your system.
► 00:43:46
And then you develop a certain amount of immunity to the actual moment.
► 00:43:50
Yeah.
► 00:43:52
Absolutely.
► 00:43:53
Yeah.
► 00:43:53
Yeah, it ended up being a good thing.
► 00:43:55
So when Lauren pulls you in the office and says, we just have to get you to the stage, we just have to get you to an episode, then what happens?
► 00:44:02
It just kept steamrolling.
► 00:44:04
It didn't dissipate at all.
► 00:44:06
It kept being like, no, you guys need to fire him.
► 00:44:09
And I get it.
► 00:44:10
Because that's where the fun is.
► 00:44:12
The fun in going after someone is not going after someone and then no consequences.
► 00:44:17
That makes them sad.
► 00:44:19
Yeah.
► 00:44:19
What makes them happy is to then get you fired.
► 00:44:22
Yeah.
► 00:44:23
And that's, yeah, they did.
► 00:44:24
They did a good job.
► 00:44:25
Yeah, good job, everybody.
► 00:44:27
Yeah, and it's fine.
► 00:44:28
Look, the whole time...
► 00:44:29
Dude, here's why it's fine.
► 00:44:30
Your sketches that you're doing...
► 00:44:32
What is it, Gillian Keeves?
► 00:44:33
Yeah.
► 00:44:34
Those are the best fucking comedy sketches that are on the internet right now.
► 00:44:38
Thank you.
► 00:44:38
I'm not bullshitting.
► 00:44:39
The only thing that's at the same level is Kyle Dunnigan's shit.
► 00:44:42
Oh, man.
► 00:44:43
Kyle Dunnigan, the shit that he's doing.
► 00:44:45
Oh, my God, dude.
► 00:44:45
He's got a massive advantage with that face swap, though.
► 00:44:48
And he's so good at fucking impressions.
► 00:44:50
He's amazing.
► 00:44:51
Have you seen the new thing that Dunnigan is doing?
► 00:44:56
He does a Fresh Prince takeoff with Biden.
► 00:44:59
What is it called?
► 00:45:00
Yeah.
► 00:45:01
Fresh Prince of D.C. Yeah.
► 00:45:02
Something like that.
► 00:45:03
Fresh Prez.
► 00:45:04
Yeah.
► 00:45:05
Dude, it's tear-jerking.
► 00:45:08
Who's Bill Maher?
► 00:45:09
Oh my god, it's incredible.
► 00:45:10
New rule.
► 00:45:11
Yeah.
► 00:45:11
It just, oh my god.
► 00:45:12
And there's something about it that it's almost got like a South Park-esque quality to it because it looks so fake, but it's obvious.
► 00:45:20
It's like these things.
► 00:45:23
Like, look how bad these look.
► 00:45:24
Look at the little tiny hand he holds up for Bill Maher.
► 00:45:27
Like, the face swap thing is amazing.
► 00:45:30
It really is amazing because he's like, look at AOC! Because it looks so fake.
► 00:45:37
Like, you would never believe that that's the real person.
► 00:45:39
So it's comedic.
► 00:45:41
But it's also...
► 00:45:44
The material is brilliant, and you can get away with so much in someone else's voice when everybody knows it's not really that person.
► 00:45:51
It's really one of the most genius platforms ever created.
► 00:45:54
And he's the master.
► 00:45:55
Him and Kurt Metzger, they're incredible.
► 00:45:59
It's the best shit.
► 00:46:01
Kurt's like one of my favorite But the shit you're doing is right up there with that.
► 00:46:05
It's really fucking funny, man.
► 00:46:07
It's really funny, and it's like something you would never be able to do on SNL. The stuff you guys are doing.
► 00:46:12
How are you financing this stuff?
► 00:46:15
I financed half, and then we had a production company that financed half.
► 00:46:20
The Trump one was amazing.
► 00:46:22
The Trump speed dating.
► 00:46:25
Yeah, it's John McKeever.
► 00:46:27
He's Keeves.
► 00:46:28
He's incredible.
► 00:46:30
Writer, director.
► 00:46:31
He writes all these edits and makes them.
► 00:46:34
They're really good, man.
► 00:46:35
They're really good.
► 00:46:36
Damn, I spazzed on that SNL story.
► 00:46:38
No, you didn't at all.
► 00:46:40
How do you spazz?
► 00:46:40
It felt like it came out bad.
► 00:46:42
No, no, no.
► 00:46:42
Look, it's an awkward story.
► 00:46:44
It is.
► 00:46:46
Here's what's uncomfortable about it, is I don't want to sound like...
► 00:46:49
It's weird for me to rail against cancel culture.
► 00:46:52
Because I was a victim of it, for lack of a better word.
► 00:46:56
You know what I mean?
► 00:46:56
Why is it weird for you to rail against it?
► 00:46:58
I don't know.
► 00:46:58
I don't know.
► 00:46:59
I just...
► 00:47:00
It makes me...
► 00:47:00
It seems defensive?
► 00:47:01
Yeah.
► 00:47:02
Yeah, I'd rather just be like, look, if people bring up cancel culture, I'm just like...
► 00:47:06
Honestly, I really believe it's better for you in the long run.
► 00:47:10
I really do.
► 00:47:10
You're a brilliant comedian, and I think your sketches are incredible, and I think it's better that you not get attached to something that's ultimately corrupting.
► 00:47:17
And I don't want to be on the other side of it, where it's like, I'm a free speech guy.
► 00:47:22
I'm a fucking...
► 00:47:23
It's like, dude, I don't want to be involved in any of this.
► 00:47:25
I just want to do comedy.
► 00:47:26
The free speech thing should be...
► 00:47:28
It should just be uniform.
► 00:47:31
Everyone who's involved in creative endeavors should understand context and nuance.
► 00:47:36
Yeah.
► 00:47:36
And when they don't, they're either being disingenuous or they're stupid.
► 00:47:41
It's one of two things.
► 00:47:42
Either you don't agree with someone talking shit, which is fine.
► 00:47:46
Maybe you don't like talking shit because you're a more serious person.
► 00:47:49
Yeah.
► 00:47:49
In which case comedy is the right venue for you.
► 00:47:52
But you should, it's not the right, right?
► 00:47:54
But you should also understand, you know what people are doing.
► 00:47:58
And if you don't know what people are doing, you're either an idiot or you're an asshole.
► 00:48:02
You're either purposely trying to ignore subtlety and nuance and the fact that there's context to what people are doing and joking around.
► 00:48:13
Joking around is a real thing.
► 00:48:15
And how come you can joke around about...
► 00:48:17
All sorts of stuff, but you can't joke around about race?
► 00:48:20
Like, why not?
► 00:48:21
How come?
► 00:48:22
Why does that make you bad?
► 00:48:23
You can joke around about women.
► 00:48:25
You can joke around about men.
► 00:48:26
You can joke around about your dick.
► 00:48:27
You can joke around about anal sex.
► 00:48:30
You can joke around about drugs.
► 00:48:31
You can't joke around about race.
► 00:48:33
That's nonsense.
► 00:48:34
We're just so oversensitive and we're so worried about being called out for stuff.
► 00:48:38
That's why everybody's so scary.
► 00:48:41
Yeah.
► 00:48:41
Yeah, people get very afraid of getting called out.
► 00:48:44
And very afraid of not calling out someone else because then silence is violence.
► 00:48:49
True.
► 00:48:50
True.
► 00:48:51
You just gotta take a second.
► 00:48:52
Like, don't get caught up in it.
► 00:48:54
Like, uh...
► 00:48:55
Like, if I see other people fuck up and say something crazy, even still, my first reaction is like, whoa, what the fuck were they thinking?
Mandatory Apology Statements
00:15:21
► 00:49:02
Right.
► 00:49:02
And then 20 minutes, 30 minutes later, I'll be like, alright, he was fucking around.
► 00:49:05
I get it.
► 00:49:05
Yeah.
► 00:49:06
But there's still that instinct.
► 00:49:07
And then, especially if you just see a clip, And it's wild.
► 00:49:11
Right.
► 00:49:12
You're gonna be like, what the fuck was that?
► 00:49:14
Like the Tony Hinchcliffe thing.
► 00:49:15
Tony, Ari, all of us.
► 00:49:17
Yeah.
► 00:49:17
Yeah.
► 00:49:18
And every time you see it, the first...
► 00:49:20
Tony's a perfect example.
► 00:49:21
First time I saw it, I was like, whoa, what the fuck?
► 00:49:25
But then you see the whole video...
► 00:49:27
And you go, oh, I see what he's doing.
► 00:49:28
Then you realize that guy opened for Tony.
► 00:49:30
And you're like, oh.
► 00:49:32
And he did kill Tony multiple times.
► 00:49:35
You're like, oh, they're friends.
► 00:49:36
That's just how people do it.
► 00:49:38
But people outside of our world don't understand.
► 00:49:42
If someone, you know, if you introduce someone...
► 00:49:46
And they go on stage, and they say, thank you!
► 00:49:49
Give it up for Shane, that fucking loser, that fat drunk.
► 00:49:53
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck, dude?
► 00:49:54
And you're like, hey, bro, what the fuck?
► 00:49:56
That's what people do.
► 00:49:57
That's what we do as comics.
► 00:49:59
And we fuck around.
► 00:50:01
It's talking shit.
► 00:50:02
And that's what Tony was doing.
► 00:50:04
And it was real clear, if you saw his whole set, that not only was he fucking around, but it actually worked.
► 00:50:09
Like, he got laughs.
► 00:50:10
And it got laughs because the guy's whole set before him was...
► 00:50:15
Talking about white people being mean to Asians.
► 00:50:18
Yes.
► 00:50:18
And he had this whole pandering thing who was like, what I would really ask is, please stop being mean to us.
► 00:50:23
You know, I'm paraphrasing.
► 00:50:24
Sure.
► 00:50:24
Whatever it was.
► 00:50:25
And then Tony goes on right afterwards and says that horrible shit.
► 00:50:27
He says the worst things he could.
► 00:50:28
And it's funny.
► 00:50:29
Yes.
► 00:50:29
That's why people laughed.
► 00:50:31
That's it.
► 00:50:31
It's not like a racist convention at Vulcan Gas Company.
► 00:50:35
Yeah, it's true.
► 00:50:36
I mean, that's all it is.
► 00:50:38
It's comedy.
► 00:50:39
It was comedy.
► 00:50:39
Yeah, and maybe it's not your kind of comedy.
► 00:50:41
That's okay, too.
► 00:50:42
But don't pretend this is real thoughts.
► 00:50:44
That's ridiculous.
► 00:50:45
This is the thing about joking around.
► 00:50:48
It's like it can be weaponized.
► 00:50:50
It can be weaponized against you.
► 00:50:52
I had people coming to shows, recording my sets, and then typing them out as if they were real.
► 00:50:59
Yeah, well, I do that bit.
► 00:51:00
I don't know if you saw it.
► 00:51:01
The bit that I do about what happened when I endorsed Bernie Sanders where people were taking small pieces of stand-up bits and taking them out of context and using them to show what a piece of shit I am.
► 00:51:15
It's like, here's a joke.
► 00:51:16
Clearly, and if you type out someone's stand-up or a podcast...
► 00:51:21
Especially a segment of it.
► 00:51:23
Just take the worst parts, you know?
► 00:51:25
Yeah.
► 00:51:25
Yeah, it's...
► 00:51:27
It's intentional.
► 00:51:29
They're trying to get clicks.
► 00:51:30
I don't even think half of them care.
► 00:51:32
They're cunts.
► 00:51:32
They care.
► 00:51:33
They're all cunts.
► 00:51:34
Anybody who's doing that's a cunt.
► 00:51:35
Yeah.
► 00:51:36
They know what they're doing.
► 00:51:37
Oh, they do.
► 00:51:37
They're taking things out of context.
► 00:51:39
But I don't think, what I meant to say, they don't care.
► 00:51:41
It's deceptive.
► 00:51:41
I meant to say they're not hurt by it.
► 00:51:43
They're literally just like, look at this.
► 00:51:44
Look at this.
► 00:51:45
Oh, yeah.
► 00:51:45
Here's wild shit.
► 00:51:46
No, they're not hurt by what you're saying.
► 00:51:49
No, they know what they're doing.
► 00:51:50
What they're doing is they're intentionally taking something out of context, and they're trying to make it something that it's not.
► 00:51:56
There's a lot of range when people are saying things.
► 00:52:02
They don't necessarily...
► 00:52:04
They're not trying to offend.
► 00:52:06
When you're saying something in the context of comedy...
► 00:52:08
What type of comedian would ever try to offend?
► 00:52:11
What really would be like, alright, I'm going to go out there tonight and really say the worst thing I can think of to these people.
► 00:52:16
A guy who's going to fail.
► 00:52:17
I don't fucking like him.
► 00:52:17
Of failure.
► 00:52:18
Yeah.
► 00:52:19
Those comics that fail.
► 00:52:20
Well, Patrice always had the very best line about all this stuff.
► 00:52:23
He said, if you think something is really funny or if you think something is offensive, it comes from the same place.
► 00:52:29
A guy's just trying to have a bit work on stage and get laughs.
► 00:52:33
That's what they're doing.
► 00:52:34
And you never...
► 00:52:35
For people who don't know, when we create stand-up, we really don't know if something's gonna be funny.
► 00:52:39
There's many times where you have an idea and you're like, fuck, I hope this works.
► 00:52:43
Yeah.
► 00:52:43
And you go up there and you swim.
► 00:52:44
And every now and then it does.
► 00:52:47
Yeah.
► 00:52:47
And when it doesn't work, you gotta go...
► 00:52:50
If you say something fucked up and it doesn't work, you gotta be like, alright, my bad.
► 00:52:54
Yeah.
► 00:52:54
Everybody.
► 00:52:55
I've many times said, well, that's the last time I'll ever say that one again.
► 00:52:58
Yeah, of course.
► 00:52:58
And then you say it tomorrow.
► 00:52:59
Yeah.
► 00:52:59
You're like, alright, this crowd likes it, you motherfuckers.
► 00:53:02
I knew last night was fucking pussies.
► 00:53:04
So, they don't fire you at first, but then it keeps piling on.
► 00:53:08
Yeah, it just, it was only like four days.
► 00:53:11
But the whole time I knew I was getting fucking crushed.
► 00:53:14
Oh, and they make you, you have to put out a statement.
► 00:53:17
So they were like, and this was like within hours.
► 00:53:20
Who makes you?
► 00:53:21
SNL? NBC asked me to put out a statement.
► 00:53:24
And the statement they send you is just fucking crazy.
► 00:53:26
They wrote a statement for you?
► 00:53:27
They were like, here's what you got to say.
► 00:53:29
It was inexcusable.
► 00:53:30
You got to say all this stuff.
► 00:53:32
Wow.
► 00:53:32
And I was just like.
► 00:53:33
Did you write it?
► 00:53:34
Did you put it out?
► 00:53:34
No, my statement was bad though.
► 00:53:36
What'd you say?
► 00:53:37
Sorry.
► 00:53:37
Let me give you some context here.
► 00:53:40
Hold on.
► 00:53:42
One more.
► 00:53:44
One more.
► 00:53:44
I'm going to have four more after that.
► 00:53:46
Said I was going to do your podcast joke.
► 00:53:49
Oh, sorry about that.
► 00:53:50
God damn, dude.
► 00:53:51
That thing's been in my head for fucking five minutes or however long it's been.
► 00:53:55
You know what's saving Private Ryan when he gets the ringing in his ears?
► 00:53:58
Sorry.
► 00:53:58
I thought there was more to it.
► 00:53:59
I was just letting it hang there in the air.
► 00:54:01
Dude, I felt my face go flush.
► 00:54:03
I was like, oh fuck, I blew it.
► 00:54:05
Dude, go back and watch the tape on that.
► 00:54:07
That's going to be rough.
► 00:54:09
Well, I'm sorry I didn't give you enough.
► 00:54:10
I was just hanging there.
► 00:54:12
It was just funny how confident I was at the time of just like...
► 00:54:15
I don't give a fuck, man.
► 00:54:17
I'll go do Joe Rogan.
► 00:54:18
The call never came in.
► 00:54:19
I was like, fuck.
► 00:54:20
I'm fucked.
► 00:54:22
I was doing podcasts for a while being like, Rogan, help!
► 00:54:25
Were you really?
► 00:54:26
Damn, that's one thing about me not paying attention to anything.
► 00:54:28
That shit doesn't get back to me.
► 00:54:30
I was just joking, obviously.
► 00:54:31
I never felt like I was entitled to anything like that.
► 00:54:34
But it was fun to go on podcasts and be like, St. Rogi's, help, dude.
► 00:54:37
We pray to St. Rogi's, dude.
► 00:54:39
Descend and save me.
► 00:54:40
You gotta kind of just go through these things, you know?
► 00:54:43
I agree.
► 00:54:44
In the end, one of the things that you and I have been talking about is that it made you stronger.
► 00:54:48
It really did, right?
► 00:54:50
Definitely.
► 00:54:51
Made you stand up stronger.
► 00:54:52
Absolutely.
► 00:54:53
Like when people hear you, and I heard it last night, when they introduce you, and Tuesday night too, people go shithouse.
► 00:55:00
They get nuts.
► 00:55:00
They're happier there.
► 00:55:02
But for a while, what happens the first, like...
► 00:55:06
I was in New York, too, so people are very uptight.
► 00:55:10
And you go on stage, and then it's just in your head.
► 00:55:13
You see people whisper to each other, and you're like, he's telling her who I am.
► 00:55:18
She's gonna be...
► 00:55:19
Everything you see.
► 00:55:21
And you see the girl's face change, like, oh, racist.
► 00:55:24
I was having dreams about fucking comments.
► 00:55:27
I was having, like, dude, it was...
► 00:55:29
It was crazy.
► 00:55:29
I'd have a dream about comments or tweets about the worst secrets in my entire life being out there.
► 00:55:37
Wow.
► 00:55:37
Because that's what happens.
► 00:55:38
People post pictures of your family house.
► 00:55:40
People are getting death threats.
► 00:55:43
My family's getting letters from fucking dudes.
► 00:55:46
It's like, we're going to kill you.
► 00:55:48
And my family has no idea what this is.
► 00:55:51
Right, right, right.
► 00:55:52
We're getting death threats.
► 00:55:53
I was like, death threats are nothing.
► 00:55:54
Don't worry.
► 00:55:54
You're going to be fine.
► 00:55:56
They're just in Mechanicsburg.
► 00:55:58
Right.
► 00:55:59
Chillin'.
► 00:55:59
Fuck.
► 00:56:01
Wow.
► 00:56:01
And this was the first thing they were, like, proud of.
► 00:56:04
You know, my parents, they don't know shit.
► 00:56:05
I'm like, I got JFL. They're like, what the fuck's that?
► 00:56:07
Right.
► 00:56:08
I got this.
► 00:56:08
I got this.
► 00:56:09
And they're like, but then when you say, like, I'm on SNL, they're like, finally we can be proud of this loser.
► 00:56:17
And then, like, four days later, the whole world's like, your son's a racist piece of shit.
► 00:56:21
Oh my god.
► 00:56:22
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 00:56:23
Oh my god.
► 00:56:24
That's who I felt bad for.
► 00:56:25
So...
► 00:56:28
It lasts for four days.
► 00:56:29
Four days.
► 00:56:30
You put out the statement.
► 00:56:31
What does the statement say, roughly?
► 00:56:32
All right.
► 00:56:33
So, they send you, they're like, hey, you need to apologize right now.
► 00:56:36
You need to apologize.
► 00:56:38
And I was like, can I just not apologize, please?
► 00:56:40
Like, that's how this gets passed.
► 00:56:42
If we say nothing.
► 00:56:44
If we start interacting with this at all, I'm fucked.
► 00:56:46
I'm dead.
► 00:56:48
So I didn't know an NBC producer was on this group text I was in.
► 00:56:54
I just got it from an agent that was like, you need to apologize.
► 00:56:57
I was like, fuck them.
► 00:56:58
I'm not fucking apologizing.
► 00:57:00
I had no idea NBC was in the group text.
► 00:57:02
So it made me look like I was a baller, but as soon as I was like, oh, fuck.
► 00:57:07
I'm looking at my phone like, fuck, fuck, fuck, dude.
► 00:57:09
I mean, it's pure panic.
► 00:57:12
It's pure panic.
► 00:57:13
And this, again, I'm going from zero, like no one knows who I am at all, to like the whole world is, I mean, it's crazy.
► 00:57:20
Yeah.
► 00:57:21
And then, so they asked me to put out a statement.
► 00:57:23
I'm like, fuck no, I can't do that.
► 00:57:25
It was a ridiculous statement.
► 00:57:27
Inexcusable, growth, all that shit.
► 00:57:29
Yeah.
► 00:57:30
That's just wild.
► 00:57:31
Yeah.
► 00:57:33
And I talked to some comedians, and they were like, how are you going to do stand-up again if you say this?
► 00:57:39
Like, how are you going to be able to go do comedy having just said everything I said was inexcusable?
► 00:57:46
From now on, everything you said is, you know what I mean?
► 00:57:49
It's just disgusting.
► 00:57:50
Everything you've done, you regret, and it's disgusting.
► 00:57:53
And then I talked to Lorne.
► 00:57:55
Lorne called, and he was like, Just give me something.
► 00:58:00
Give me anything.
► 00:58:01
Because I told him I couldn't do that.
► 00:58:02
I was like, I can't do the sorry, inexcusable thing.
► 00:58:04
And he was like, just give me something.
► 00:58:06
But I need it in the next 10 minutes.
► 00:58:08
Whoa.
► 00:58:09
So I had fucking 10 minutes to write this thing.
► 00:58:11
Oh my god.
► 00:58:12
So I'm sitting there.
► 00:58:13
I mean, it's raining out.
► 00:58:13
I was at the stand in New York.
► 00:58:15
I was trying to do stand-up.
► 00:58:18
So I go in and he's like...
► 00:58:19
Or my manager was like...
► 00:58:22
Just say you're a comedian that pushes boundaries.
► 00:58:25
So my first thing I'd tweet out was like, I'm a comedian that pushes boundaries.
► 00:58:30
Fuck, that's so lame, dude.
► 00:58:31
God damn it, I blew it.
► 00:58:34
But yeah, I was like, sorry to anybody that's actually offended.
► 00:58:36
That was never my thing.
► 00:58:38
Because I didn't think anyone was actually offended.
► 00:58:41
They probably really weren't.
► 00:58:42
Almost no one.
► 00:58:43
Well, there is a few...
► 00:58:44
Of course there are people that saw it that were like, this bums me out that this word's getting thrown around.
► 00:58:49
Yeah.
► 00:58:49
You know?
► 00:58:49
And I get that.
► 00:58:50
And I am sorry for that.
► 00:58:52
Yeah.
► 00:58:52
No, I believe you are.
► 00:58:54
Yeah.
► 00:58:54
Because that's not the way you meant to do it in the context.
► 00:58:58
Yeah.
► 00:58:59
Again, it's a thing that people do.
► 00:59:00
They're just talking shit.
► 00:59:02
It's not real.
► 00:59:03
It's like you're saying something inappropriate on purpose.
► 00:59:07
Yeah.
► 00:59:07
And the only way you can do that is if the other person knows you're not racist.
► 00:59:12
Yeah.
► 00:59:12
That's why it works.
► 00:59:14
It works because you're saying something that's ridiculous.
► 00:59:16
I'm like, what the fuck are you saying?
► 00:59:17
We're doing a podcast for 500 people.
► 00:59:20
Yeah.
► 00:59:20
That's how many people are listening to this thing.
► 00:59:22
Yeah.
► 00:59:23
Me and my friend Matt McCusker, what up, bro?
► 00:59:27
What up, bro?
► 00:59:27
I can't believe it took this long to shout him out.
► 00:59:30
You would like Matt.
► 00:59:31
I'm sure.
► 00:59:32
You guys are the same guy.
► 00:59:34
Really?
► 00:59:34
Yes.
► 00:59:35
Everything you've said to me this week, I've heard from Matt.
► 00:59:39
Like, dude, every single thing.
► 00:59:41
Really?
► 00:59:41
Yeah, you're like, you know humans were supposed to be like this?
► 00:59:43
Like, you know we're supposed to be out gathering?
► 00:59:46
Like, all that shit.
► 00:59:46
That's fine.
► 00:59:47
Matt.
► 00:59:50
What the fuck was I saying?
► 00:59:52
Who cares?
► 00:59:53
You were at your statement.
► 00:59:55
Oh, yeah.
► 00:59:56
Ten minutes.
► 00:59:56
Statement.
► 00:59:57
I had ten minutes.
► 00:59:58
I put this thing together.
► 01:00:01
It's okay, but it's one of those things where it's like you're caught up in this moment of like, this is huge, you're emotional.
► 01:00:07
And in a couple of years, like, you know, you're going to be embarrassed.
► 01:00:11
Don't ever apologize.
► 01:00:12
That's what I'm saying.
► 01:00:14
You can apologize for hurting people's feelings.
► 01:00:16
For hurting people's feelings, certainly.
► 01:00:17
You can still apologize for things you said.
► 01:00:20
Don't issue a statement.
► 01:00:20
Yeah.
► 01:00:21
The problem was those statements are so grandiose, too.
► 01:00:23
It's like, people, like, when Jimmy Kimmel made a statement about doing blackface in the 90s, it's like, oh, Jimmy.
► 01:00:30
Yeah.
► 01:00:31
Everybody knows.
► 01:00:31
They know that you were just doing Karl Malone.
► 01:00:34
They know you're not racist.
► 01:00:36
You're appeasing to the worst humans.
► 01:00:39
Yeah.
► 01:00:39
That's the problem is the people that want you to apologize for that stuff, they're all sanctimonious shitheads who are just trying to take people down.
► 01:00:50
They're not really thinking you're a bad person.
► 01:00:53
No reasonable human being thinks Jimmy Kimmel's a bad person or a racist.
► 01:00:58
That's ridiculous.
► 01:00:59
They're looking for targets.
► 01:01:01
They got a bag of rocks and they're looking at windows.
► 01:01:05
That's what it is.
► 01:01:07
And yeah, it's fun.
► 01:01:08
Yeah, it's fun.
► 01:01:08
It's fun to watch someone get fucking crushed.
► 01:01:10
Oh, yeah.
► 01:01:11
That's what people like.
► 01:01:12
I like watching car accidents.
► 01:01:14
Yeah, all the time.
► 01:01:15
I watch, yeah, the worst things possible.
► 01:01:17
I watch that.
► 01:01:18
And on Twitter, even today, even after it happened to me, I'll see it happening to someone else and be like...
► 01:01:26
It's crazy.
► 01:01:26
It is, but, you know, we're talking about Tony.
► 01:01:29
When Tony goes on stage now, I'm telling you the round of applause this fucking guy gets is like double what used to happen.
► 01:01:37
They cheer.
► 01:01:38
It's fans reassuring you.
► 01:01:40
Yes.
► 01:01:40
We like you.
► 01:01:41
We know what you did wasn't, that wasn't you.
► 01:01:44
Right.
► 01:01:44
Like, we know that.
► 01:01:45
You know, we know it's just, you're just doing comedy.
► 01:01:47
You're fucking around, and it mightn't, Might have been the wrong thing to say at the time, but he probably had about five seconds to think about what he was going to say as he was walking to the stage and said, I'm going to light these people up.
► 01:01:58
I like to think about Tony right before he went on looking at someone like, watch this.
► 01:02:05
It ruined his life!
► 01:02:07
Ruining his life for a full week.
► 01:02:10
Yeah.
► 01:02:10
Mine was for a couple months.
► 01:02:14
I got fucking drilled by that.
► 01:02:17
But...
► 01:02:18
Yeah, it's a very surreal thing.
► 01:02:21
How long before you went on stage again?
► 01:02:23
I went on stage that night.
► 01:02:24
I did shows at The Stand.
► 01:02:26
Wow.
► 01:02:26
Yeah.
► 01:02:27
Because that was the only place that I wouldn't have been freaking out.
► 01:02:31
Right, right.
► 01:02:32
Like, it was at a comedy club.
► 01:02:33
Right.
► 01:02:34
Like, I didn't want to go home and sit in my apartment alone.
► 01:02:37
Oh, yeah.
► 01:02:38
It would have been crazy.
► 01:02:39
That's crazy.
► 01:02:39
What was it like the moment you went on stage?
► 01:02:41
Like, knowing all this shit is happening to you?
► 01:02:43
The place went crazy.
► 01:02:44
Really?
► 01:02:44
Yeah.
► 01:02:45
Isn't that wild?
► 01:02:46
Well, it was the biggest story at the time.
► 01:02:49
So everyone in the room was like...
► 01:02:50
It was my first...
► 01:02:51
It was the only time I've ever experienced what it must be like to be famous and do stand-up as like a drop-in.
► 01:02:58
And then after time...
► 01:02:59
It's funny because after time everybody forgets what happened.
► 01:03:02
Yeah.
► 01:03:02
Did you address it?
► 01:03:03
Yeah.
► 01:03:04
That's all I talked about.
► 01:03:05
I mean, it was happening.
► 01:03:06
Yeah, yeah.
► 01:03:07
While I was on stage.
► 01:03:09
Fuck.
► 01:03:09
Yeah.
► 01:03:10
And it happened...
► 01:03:11
It was fun.
► 01:03:11
And it lasted for months?
► 01:03:13
Yeah.
► 01:03:13
How long before they fired you?
► 01:03:14
How many days was it?
► 01:03:15
Four, maybe.
► 01:03:17
And so, what was the decision?
► 01:03:18
How did they explain it?
► 01:03:21
Uh, I knew it was...
► 01:03:22
I was the one that was like, you guys are gonna fire me.
► 01:03:25
Like, it's okay.
► 01:03:26
I get it.
► 01:03:27
I wasn't even like, fuck them.
► 01:03:29
I should have my job.
► 01:03:30
I was like, I get it.
► 01:03:31
I said something fucked up.
► 01:03:32
This is a corporation.
► 01:03:35
It's SNL. You can't...
► 01:03:36
Yeah.
► 01:03:37
I understand.
► 01:03:37
Now, if it wasn't me, I'd probably be defending me.
► 01:03:40
Of course.
► 01:03:41
But because it was me, I was like, I said it.
► 01:03:43
Whatever.
► 01:03:45
Keep making your fucking show.
► 01:03:47
Yeah.
► 01:03:48
I don't know.
► 01:03:49
I don't know how to...
► 01:03:51
Describe it.
► 01:03:52
It's weird.
► 01:03:53
It's weird defending yourself.
► 01:03:55
I don't know.
► 01:03:56
Maybe I gotta improve my self-worth.
► 01:03:59
No.
► 01:04:01
You know, I think ultimately...
► 01:04:03
Look, life is filled with these weird trials and moments of revelation and ways you understand things.
Feelings of Levity
00:04:32
► 01:04:12
And the best way to understand consequences is to really have a moment...
► 01:04:18
Where the walls come tumbling down.
► 01:04:20
And when you come out on the other end and you don't think you're ever going to.
► 01:04:24
Because there had to be times where you didn't think you were going to come out on the other end.
► 01:04:27
But when you do, there's a feeling of levity.
► 01:04:31
It's lifted off of you.
► 01:04:32
For sure.
► 01:04:33
For sure, yeah.
► 01:04:35
It's also the embracing of the importance of stand-up comedy.
► 01:04:40
The real, raw, nightclub stand-up.
► 01:04:44
Oh, that was the best.
► 01:04:44
There's been two times I've loved stand-up comedy.
► 01:04:49
One was I went through a breakup after a long time, and I was fucking devastated.
► 01:04:53
I dated this girl for like six years, and then I went and did stand-up that night and almost cried.
► 01:04:58
Wow.
► 01:04:58
Just because it was the first time I was happy after going through a breakup, and I was like, damn, I love this.
► 01:05:03
Same thing with that.
► 01:05:05
While you're getting fucking crushed by everybody, you can go out and do stand-up and people are like, you guys like me.
► 01:05:12
Everyone else hates me.
► 01:05:13
It's a wild art form, man.
► 01:05:15
It's fun.
► 01:05:15
It's so fun just to watch still.
► 01:05:18
I've been doing it for more than 30 years and someone goes up and kills.
► 01:05:21
I have a great time.
► 01:05:22
I'm loving it.
► 01:05:24
Yeah, there's nothing better.
► 01:05:25
It's the best thing to watch.
► 01:05:26
There's nothing better than someone killing.
► 01:05:28
No, there's nothing better.
► 01:05:29
Nothing better when you don't know their material, too.
► 01:05:32
Never seen them before, and they're just lighting a room on fire with really interesting shit.
► 01:05:36
Yeah.
► 01:05:37
Yeah, it's better, man.
► 01:05:40
It is, because if you're contained inside that Saturday Night Live structure, no disrespect to anybody that is, but you're not as free.
► 01:05:48
You're going to be more reserved.
► 01:05:50
You're going to hold back.
► 01:05:51
Definitely.
► 01:05:52
Yeah, there's that, for sure.
► 01:05:54
I think I would have done well, though.
► 01:05:56
On the show?
► 01:05:57
You would have killed it.
► 01:05:58
I think that's what bothers me the most, because people like to...
► 01:06:00
Here's one thing that I notice, that people that do the canceling, or attack people on Twitter, or however you fucking want to call it, they like to vindicate themselves by being like, no one gets canceled.
► 01:06:12
They love saying that.
► 01:06:14
What does that mean?
► 01:06:15
They're always like, cancel culture's not real.
► 01:06:17
It's like...
► 01:06:19
Of course it's real.
► 01:06:20
I mean, I lost my job.
► 01:06:22
Yeah, what does that mean?
► 01:06:23
But they like to be like, nah, you're doing better now.
► 01:06:28
He's better now.
► 01:06:29
It's like, you're the one who got me...
► 01:06:30
You can't fuck someone over like that and then be like, nah, you're fine.
► 01:06:34
Well, it's like a real big brother thing.
► 01:06:36
You ever like...
► 01:06:36
Yeah.
► 01:06:37
You know?
► 01:06:37
Stop crying.
► 01:06:38
You're fine.
► 01:06:39
Yeah.
► 01:06:39
Yeah.
► 01:06:41
And they like to say, like, SNL couldn't have used me or wouldn't have used me.
► 01:06:44
They would have been like, ah, he would have been a waste on there anyway.
► 01:06:47
It's like, I think I could have been good.
► 01:06:48
You would have been great.
► 01:06:49
But you would have never had the kind of freedom that you are doing your sketch show now.
► 01:06:54
That you have, rather.
► 01:06:54
For sure.
► 01:06:55
Your sketch show now is wild and raw.
► 01:06:58
And that fucking OnlyFans dad that you sent me today?
► 01:07:01
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 01:07:01
Holy shit, dude.
► 01:07:03
I mean, imagine you would not be able to do that anywhere.
► 01:07:06
Yeah.
► 01:07:07
And it's better than anything SNL's doing.
► 01:07:10
That's a fact.
► 01:07:11
It's better.
► 01:07:12
It's better for me.
► 01:07:13
What I like, people like different shit, right?
► 01:07:16
You ever get on a Sibian?
► 01:07:17
Not yet.
► 01:07:18
Those things hurt.
► 01:07:18
I'm sure.
► 01:07:19
It fucked my groin muscles.
► 01:07:21
Really?
► 01:07:21
Yeah.
► 01:07:22
That was like a hard one to film.
► 01:07:24
How do you film it?
► 01:07:25
I just had to sit on that thing.
► 01:07:27
And hold your legs together?
► 01:07:28
I was straddling it.
► 01:07:30
Was your cock and balls really out?
► 01:07:31
No.
► 01:07:31
No, but I was in a flesh-colored speedo.
► 01:07:38
There's all these girls around, dude.
► 01:07:39
I'm not...
► 01:07:41
It looks terrible, dude.
► 01:07:43
And you know, you're nervous when you're filming stuff.
► 01:07:45
Oh, yeah.
► 01:07:45
So I had like the smallest dick possible.
► 01:07:48
Of course.
► 01:07:49
Like that, sticking out forward.
► 01:07:50
Don't even look at it.
► 01:07:51
You might be able to see it through there.
► 01:07:54
Yeah.
► 01:07:55
But that was, yeah, the whole thing was cool.
► 01:07:57
Filming all that stuff.
► 01:07:58
It's a great premise, too.
► 01:07:59
That OnlyFans thing is wild.
► 01:08:02
I mean, I know a girl who makes $100,000 a month showing her feet.
► 01:08:08
Nice.
► 01:08:08
Like, what?
► 01:08:10
Yeah, she works for a buddy of mine.
► 01:08:13
She works on his podcast.
► 01:08:15
Yeah, she just shows feet.
► 01:08:17
$100,000 a month?
► 01:08:18
Yeah.
► 01:08:20
Yeah, what?
► 01:08:22
Right.
► 01:08:23
How horny are these guys?
► 01:08:24
They're so horny.
► 01:08:25
But it's not just that they're horny.
OnlyFans Exploits
00:03:10
► 01:08:28
They're fans of this one person because they've seen her before, and so they want to jerk off to her feet.
► 01:08:35
And it's just her feet.
► 01:08:36
Yeah.
► 01:08:37
I don't know.
► 01:08:38
I haven't subscribed, but that's what I understand.
► 01:08:40
It's just her feet.
► 01:08:41
Yeah.
► 01:08:42
I mean, probably her in her underwear and her feet, you know, those kind of things.
► 01:08:48
If, like, the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee thing launched on OnlyFans, how that would have gone down?
► 01:08:53
Right.
► 01:08:53
And if they just started just banging on OnlyFans, just releasing videos?
► 01:08:57
Yeah.
► 01:08:58
A lot of girls got into OnlyFans during...
► 01:09:01
Well, it's a great way to make money, but the problem is you get addicted to that money.
► 01:09:04
If you're making $100,000 a month, and then you go, you know what, I really want a family someday, and I've got to stop showing my cooter, and then you get off of it, and you realize you've got a $4,000 a month condo, and you're like, what am I doing here?
► 01:09:19
Yeah, I've got to show my pussy again.
► 01:09:20
Yeah, I've got to show my pussy to pay for this fucking Lexus I bought.
► 01:09:24
It gets weird, because you can get imprisoned by bills or your lifestyle, and if you have that kind of lifestyle, it's super hard for someone to give up that kind of money, because that's way more than porn money.
► 01:09:37
Porn stars, unless you're top of the food chain porn gal, you're not making that kind of loot.
► 01:09:43
Yeah, porn stars are pretty exploited.
► 01:09:45
Well, they're doing OnlyFans now, too.
► 01:09:47
Good for them.
► 01:09:48
That's actually nice.
► 01:09:49
That's good.
► 01:09:50
Well, they're not just exploited.
► 01:09:51
They're in a weird situation now where no one buys DVDs anymore, right?
► 01:09:56
So that was where they made the most money.
► 01:09:57
One of my neighbors back when I lived in California was a guy that I did jujitsu with.
► 01:10:01
He was like two houses down from me.
► 01:10:03
He was a big porn producer.
► 01:10:04
He was a crazy dude.
► 01:10:06
Really crazy guy.
► 01:10:07
He's always coked up.
► 01:10:09
He was doing great.
► 01:10:13
Balling, making videos.
► 01:10:15
And he would tell me, like, the real money's in producing.
► 01:10:18
And then the fucking internet comes along and just pulled the rug out from underneath that business.
► 01:10:26
Then everybody was just getting porn for free.
► 01:10:29
And so they went from making millions and millions of dollars every year to nothing.
► 01:10:35
Boom.
► 01:10:36
He lost his house.
► 01:10:37
What'd they do?
► 01:10:38
His house got repossessed.
► 01:10:40
Really?
► 01:10:40
Yep.
► 01:10:41
Yeah, he lost his house.
► 01:10:44
He moved out of the neighborhood.
► 01:10:46
They eventually foreclosed on his house.
► 01:10:49
And, yeah, it just was a wave of things falling apart.
► 01:10:53
And, I mean, I think the only people that can make any money are the girls.
► 01:10:58
The guys make very little money.
► 01:11:00
Oh, the actors?
► 01:11:02
The male actors?
► 01:11:02
Yeah, the male actors.
► 01:11:04
The male actors.
► 01:11:05
The thespians?
► 01:11:05
Yes.
► 01:11:06
Those guys, they can't make much money at all.
► 01:11:08
It's hard.
► 01:11:09
Unless they're very...
► 01:11:10
Yeah, of course.
► 01:11:10
...very industrious and they figure out some sort of subscription-only panel.
► 01:11:14
They only fuck all the hottest girls, right?
► 01:11:16
Yeah.
► 01:11:19
I'd love to add to this.
► 01:11:21
It's a weird world because a lot of people beat off, but a lot of people like to lie about it.
Changes People's Feelings About Things
00:06:32
► 01:11:29
Yeah.
► 01:11:29
It's a weird world.
► 01:11:30
I've been up here.
► 01:11:31
Before Ari got here, I was just up in Tim's mansion in the hills alone, just beating off up in the mountains.
► 01:11:37
Nice.
► 01:11:37
Nice.
► 01:11:38
It's good.
► 01:11:39
Beating off's good.
► 01:11:40
I'm glad we can do it.
► 01:11:41
Beating off up in the hills.
► 01:11:42
Changes people's feelings about things.
► 01:11:45
You beat off, it relaxes you.
► 01:11:46
Dude, I'll start DMing or texting girls or something.
► 01:11:49
Just one beat off.
► 01:11:50
What am I doing?
► 01:11:51
What the fuck am I doing?
► 01:11:53
I used to have a whole bit about jerk off first, then think about keys to life.
► 01:11:57
If you're thinking about doing something, just jerk off and then look at it.
► 01:12:00
Because a lot of times your perspective is marred by this desire to breed.
► 01:12:05
Yeah.
► 01:12:05
And you don't really like the person that you're going to call.
► 01:12:09
Yeah.
► 01:12:09
You're not really socially compatible with them, but you want to fuck them.
► 01:12:13
Yeah.
► 01:12:14
And then you jerk off and you go, oh.
► 01:12:17
Like, if a guy jerks off, the bit was basically that if a guy jerks off and still calls you, he fucking loves you.
► 01:12:23
Yeah.
► 01:12:24
Like, that's real.
► 01:12:26
Loves you.
► 01:12:27
Yeah.
► 01:12:28
Not just the opportunity to...
► 01:12:29
Not coming.
► 01:12:30
Yeah.
► 01:12:31
It's so embarrassing.
► 01:12:33
When you're a young man and you don't understand it, like I remember being like 18 and 19 being so confused because I was like, I was really into a girl and then I'd have an orgasm and I was really not into her.
► 01:12:44
Yeah.
► 01:12:45
Like really quickly.
► 01:12:46
And some girls would think that like, oh, he's an asshole.
► 01:12:51
He tricked me into thinking he liked me.
► 01:12:52
Like, no, I tricked me too.
► 01:12:54
No, yeah, I loved you.
► 01:12:55
I fucking love you so much.
► 01:12:58
Please leave.
► 01:12:59
Please.
► 01:13:00
I need to be alone.
► 01:13:01
I bet they feel the same way, too.
► 01:13:02
No, I think they're...
► 01:13:03
Oh, yeah, maybe.
► 01:13:04
After they...
► 01:13:05
Yeah.
► 01:13:05
They're probably like, what am I doing?
► 01:13:07
What the fuck?
► 01:13:07
This guy's sticking in me.
► 01:13:10
With that shirt?
► 01:13:12
That guy fuck me?
► 01:13:15
No, they like...
► 01:13:16
Once you come, they're like...
► 01:13:19
Stay, stay, stay.
► 01:13:20
Some of them are.
► 01:13:21
Yeah.
► 01:13:21
Because they want you to raise the children with them.
► 01:13:23
Yeah.
► 01:13:24
It's like, it's weird primal instincts, man.
► 01:13:26
Yeah, of course it is.
► 01:13:27
It's everything.
► 01:13:27
Everything is that.
► 01:13:28
Yeah.
► 01:13:29
So this, um, so back to the SNL thing.
► 01:13:32
Yeah, back to SNL. We talked to come.
► 01:13:33
They, so the, the, the, the hits keep coming.
► 01:13:37
They keep coming after you.
► 01:13:38
It's like four days in, right?
► 01:13:41
And how long in, when do you decide, like, when do you give up?
► 01:13:46
I gave up the first night.
► 01:13:48
Oh.
► 01:13:49
The very first night.
► 01:13:50
Like, the first article, it was funny, the first article came out that said I used the C word.
► 01:13:55
Right.
► 01:13:56
My agent calls me, and is like, did you say that?
► 01:13:59
This word?
► 01:14:00
And I was like, I would never say that.
► 01:14:02
I would literally, I was like, that's not in, I don't say that shit.
► 01:14:06
She was like, here's the video clip.
► 01:14:07
I was like...
► 01:14:08
They're like, alright, looks like I said it.
► 01:14:11
Oh, that was UTA. Shout out UTA. They dropped me.
► 01:14:15
They kept Jussie Smollett.
► 01:14:17
Dropped me.
► 01:14:17
Did they really?
► 01:14:18
They kept Jussie Smollett as long as they could.
► 01:14:20
Still?
► 01:14:20
I don't know if they still have him.
► 01:14:22
Wow.
► 01:14:24
Dropped me for maybe joking.
► 01:14:27
Jussie Smollett, or Jesse Smollett, as Dave Chappelle calls him.
► 01:14:30
Juicy.
► 01:14:31
Juicy, that's right.
► 01:14:32
He was really good in that Alien movie.
► 01:14:33
Was he?
► 01:14:34
Alien Covenant.
► 01:14:35
Yeah.
► 01:14:36
Doesn't mean he's not a great actor.
► 01:14:38
He's not a great actor.
► 01:14:39
How about that?
► 01:14:40
Is he not?
► 01:14:41
No.
► 01:14:41
He was okay in that movie.
► 01:14:43
He must have been a terrible actor when those fucking cops showed up.
► 01:14:45
Kind of joking around.
► 01:14:45
Oh, yeah.
► 01:14:46
I'm sure.
► 01:14:47
I'm sure with his fucking- He's like, what happened?
► 01:14:49
Put a noose still around his neck holding a Subway sandwich.
► 01:14:51
Yeah.
► 01:14:51
It's one of the dumbest plots of all time.
► 01:14:53
It is up there.
► 01:14:54
And that Chappelle bit is fucking magic.
► 01:14:56
It's magic.
► 01:14:57
It's so funny.
► 01:14:58
It's magic.
► 01:14:58
And the way he spells, like, pronounces his name wrong.
► 01:15:01
Yeah.
► 01:15:02
That French actor.
► 01:15:04
Juicy.
► 01:15:04
Juicy smouillet.
► 01:15:06
Yeah, he's incredible.
► 01:15:11
Oh.
► 01:15:13
Oh.
► 01:15:13
Nah, I just wanted to shout out UTA. Yeah, listen man, all those structures, all those things, they can do you good.
► 01:15:20
Don't get me wrong, but they're basically like bridges that'll fall apart in the middle of your journey across the river.
► 01:15:26
You can't count on them.
► 01:15:29
No, they turn on you instantly.
► 01:15:30
The moment they have to, they'll turn on you.
► 01:15:33
And they will.
► 01:15:34
That's okay, though.
► 01:15:35
As long as comedy doesn't.
► 01:15:36
You know, comedy is the only thing that we can all count on.
► 01:15:40
Comedians and audience members that love comedy.
► 01:15:43
And there's a lot of people outside of that world that will try to change the true meaning of what you're saying and try to pretend that you're being serious and try to pretend that you're a bad person or to try to pretend that it doesn't matter.
► 01:15:55
And you should never be able to say those things again.
► 01:15:58
You're a racist or a sexist or a homophobe or this or that.
► 01:16:01
And like...
► 01:16:02
You guys can all eat shit.
► 01:16:04
You can all eat shit.
► 01:16:05
Because you know what you're doing, and it doesn't work anymore.
► 01:16:08
The thing about this whole climate, this oversensitive climate, is that people are fed up with it.
► 01:16:14
And so there's a massive rebound when someone gets through on the other end.
► 01:16:18
Yeah.
► 01:16:19
Yeah, people are definitely...
► 01:16:20
Everybody's tired of it.
► 01:16:21
It's every day.
► 01:16:22
Yeah.
► 01:16:22
It's every day.
► 01:16:23
But there's still people that that is their currency.
► 01:16:26
That's what they trade in.
► 01:16:27
So they're still trying to cancel people all the time.
► 01:16:29
And with a lot of it, and one of the things that Tim said, and then I became friends with Tim after he wrote something really...
► 01:16:36
Insightful about comics that were coming out against Louie and he said one thing that they have in common is they're all really mediocre and They love the fact that this brilliant guy is being taken out So it moves them up the ladder and they're they're trying to gain social clout by attacking him 100% true and the Louie thing was everybody knew that Everybody knew that story about Louie in comedy.
► 01:17:01
Oh, yeah.
► 01:17:02
Before that had dropped.
► 01:17:03
Yeah, I knew about it.
► 01:17:04
Before the news broke.
► 01:17:05
I knew about it.
► 01:17:05
I was an open-miker in Philly.
► 01:17:07
Well, I knew that he used to ask Sarah Silverman, and he would jerk off, and she would say yes.
► 01:17:12
Yes.
► 01:17:12
And he would jerk off, and they would laugh about it.
► 01:17:13
We heard the stories, and then, so everybody knew it.
► 01:17:16
Again, I knew it.
► 01:17:17
I was an open-miker in Philly.
► 01:17:19
I'd heard about it.
► 01:17:20
I didn't know it.
► 01:17:21
You know what I mean?
► 01:17:21
And then, as soon as it becomes in the news, now every comedian wants to speak out against it.
► 01:17:27
It's like, where were you when you heard about it?
► 01:17:29
I heard about it.
► 01:17:30
Right.
► 01:17:31
Well, they were scared when Louie was on top that if they came after him, then everybody else would take out them to try to make Louie happy if Louie didn't get taken out.
Lions and Buffaloes: The Fight Back
00:03:10
► 01:17:43
But once it was clear that Louie was hit and wounded...
► 01:17:47
You ever see what happens with buffaloes when they get attacked by a lion?
► 01:17:52
It's really interesting.
► 01:17:53
Yeah.
► 01:17:54
I've watched.
► 01:17:55
There's a video of these water buffaloes get attacked by a lion, and one water buffalo gets attacked and finally manages to get free of these lions.
► 01:18:03
They're fighting off these lions, finally manages to get free, and as he's moving around, another water buffalo comes along and slams into him and knocks him over, and then the lions get him.
► 01:18:13
And I'm like, that is comedy.
► 01:18:15
That's nature.
► 01:18:16
That's humans.
► 01:18:18
That's just biology.
► 01:18:19
When someone senses weakness, the really shitty people amongst them, those people attack.
► 01:18:28
It's pretty funny that Buffalo did that.
► 01:18:30
Yeah.
► 01:18:31
It's funny.
► 01:18:32
The video's funny.
► 01:18:32
Because you watch him like, look at that cunt.
► 01:18:34
He's going to get out of this?
► 01:18:36
Oh, man.
► 01:18:36
And then his friend comes along and rams into him and knocks him over.
► 01:18:39
I watch those videos.
► 01:18:41
I mean, just stand up for yourselves, water buffaloes.
► 01:18:44
They try.
► 01:18:45
Everyone's horns.
► 01:18:46
I know, but there's so many of them.
► 01:18:48
Yeah.
► 01:18:49
There's a place in Africa.
► 01:18:51
There's an amazing documentary called Relentless Enemies.
► 01:18:54
And in this documentary, there's a strange part of Africa where the river shifted.
► 01:19:00
And when the river shifted, these lions and these water buffalo got stranded on an island.
► 01:19:06
And it's a large island, but it's only filled with water buffalo and lions.
► 01:19:12
And so because the lions can only hunt buffalo...
► 01:19:17
They all grew bigger.
► 01:19:18
So they have enormous lions.
► 01:19:20
Like the female lions are as big as a male lion everywhere else.
► 01:19:24
And they look cartoonish.
► 01:19:26
Like they have giant muscles, like the Hulk.
► 01:19:28
It's crazy.
► 01:19:29
Because all the ones that survive are ones that figure out how to attack lions.
► 01:19:33
Pull up a picture of these fucking lions.
► 01:19:37
Remember that documentary, Relentless Enemies?
► 01:19:39
Oh, there's the Kroger one.
► 01:19:41
Yeah.
► 01:19:41
Oh, is this the one where the buffalo escapes?
► 01:19:44
This is where the boys finally unite.
► 01:19:47
Yeah.
► 01:19:48
This is where they unite and try to take out the lions.
► 01:19:50
This is great.
► 01:19:50
They start fucking them up.
► 01:19:51
Yeah.
► 01:19:52
Well, lions are so much smaller than a buffalo.
► 01:19:55
Yeah.
► 01:19:55
And once they start attacking the lions, it's like, ah, it's kind of sad now.
► 01:19:59
Not really.
► 01:20:00
It's how it goes.
► 01:20:03
This is how it goes.
► 01:20:04
See if you can find that relentless enemy's lions.
► 01:20:08
So it's just a weird genetic aberration.
► 01:20:12
Like, natural selection has taken place and these lions have gotten way bigger.
► 01:20:16
But the thing is, the female ones have these fucking enormous muscles, man.
► 01:20:22
Like, there it is.
► 01:20:24
The 2006 full moon.
► 01:20:25
I love jacked women.
► 01:20:26
Yeah.
► 01:20:27
There's relentless enemies full video oh Just show me just give me some images of the the jacked female lions oh Anyway, that's the idea.
NBC's Apology Offered
00:06:02
► 01:20:43
It's a great documentary.
► 01:20:44
If you're into it, go check it out.
► 01:20:49
They look normal there.
► 01:20:51
There's pictures of them where they look fucking super...
► 01:20:53
Those are young ones though, that's why.
► 01:20:55
Anyway.
► 01:20:57
You get it.
► 01:20:58
So, when do they give up and when do they fire you?
► 01:21:05
I don't know.
► 01:21:06
It was probably like four days in.
► 01:21:07
I met with the people at NBC, like the head of NBC, all those people.
► 01:21:12
You're at like a giant marble table at the top of a skyscraper.
► 01:21:17
And they're like, what'd you say?
► 01:21:18
Come on, guys.
► 01:21:21
You had to meet with the people at NBC? Yeah, met with NBC. In person.
► 01:21:24
Met with people from SNL. What did they say to you?
► 01:21:28
I hardly remember.
► 01:21:29
It was such like, it was for real, it was like I blacked it out.
► 01:21:32
Like it was that fucking like...
► 01:21:34
Traumatic?
► 01:21:35
Maybe traumatic, definitely traumatic, but like...
► 01:21:38
Surreal?
► 01:21:38
It was so surreal.
► 01:21:40
Like it was totally, I detached and I was like, no, I don't care.
► 01:21:43
I kept being like, I don't care.
► 01:21:44
And everyone would be like, are you alright?
► 01:21:46
Like, are you okay?
► 01:21:46
I was like, yeah, I'm fine.
► 01:21:48
You know what I mean?
► 01:21:49
Right, right, right.
► 01:21:49
Because you don't want to be like, no, I'm not okay.
► 01:21:52
I said bad words and everyone's mad.
► 01:21:55
No, you gotta just be like, no, I don't give a fuck, dude.
► 01:22:01
Yeah, finally get the call that's like, nah, we're gonna...
► 01:22:05
They offered me, I could resign.
► 01:22:09
And I was like, no, you guys have to fire me.
► 01:22:11
Like, this has to be on you guys.
► 01:22:14
Yeah.
► 01:22:15
And they did.
► 01:22:16
They're like, alright, yeah, you're fired.
► 01:22:18
What did they say in their statement?
► 01:22:20
And then they were like, we're gonna release a statement, you release a tweet.
► 01:22:24
It's all planned.
► 01:22:25
In fact, since my thing, I've seen people issue the apology NBC gave me.
► 01:22:34
Verbatim.
► 01:22:34
Just about verbatim.
► 01:22:37
It's all fake.
► 01:22:38
The entire thing's fake.
► 01:22:39
The people that are outraged are not serious.
► 01:22:41
The people that are sorry are not serious.
► 01:22:45
Basically, everybody that has said sorry has been like, yeah, I'm very sorry.
► 01:22:49
Fuck them motherfuckers.
► 01:22:51
And that's how it goes.
► 01:22:52
Yeah.
► 01:22:53
And the whole time, no one cares.
► 01:22:54
No one cares.
► 01:22:57
It's a weird dance, isn't it?
► 01:22:58
It's a very, very weird dance.
► 01:23:01
Especially over comedy.
► 01:23:02
That's the thing we're worried about?
► 01:23:03
Right.
► 01:23:05
Well, it's podcast is what it is.
► 01:23:07
That's the thing that can get you in the most trouble.
► 01:23:09
Yeah.
► 01:23:10
It's because it's so free-flowing, and when you're doing it alongside another comedian, you're just trying to make each other laugh.
► 01:23:18
And one of the best ways to make a comic laugh is to say some shit you're not supposed to say.
► 01:23:23
Yeah.
► 01:23:24
But we know.
► 01:23:25
It's the funniest.
► 01:23:26
It's the only way to make a comic laugh.
► 01:23:28
Yeah.
► 01:23:28
Just about.
► 01:23:30
It's one of the ways.
► 01:23:31
Yeah.
► 01:23:32
You know?
► 01:23:33
Yeah.
► 01:23:33
Say something fucked up.
► 01:23:34
You're like, huh?
► 01:23:38
Yeah.
► 01:23:38
So they eventually released a statement.
► 01:23:42
You know, these things he said did not align.
► 01:23:45
Yeah, we can't.
► 01:23:46
Yeah.
► 01:23:47
He's out of here.
► 01:23:48
Yeah.
► 01:23:48
And then...
► 01:23:49
Did you ever have any contact with Lauren afterwards or anyone?
► 01:23:51
Yeah.
► 01:23:52
I still talk to Lauren sometimes.
► 01:23:54
What does he say?
► 01:23:57
Hey.
► 01:23:57
You ever send him some new sketches?
► 01:23:59
Yeah, he's seen all this.
► 01:24:00
What does he say?
► 01:24:01
He likes them.
► 01:24:01
Does he say they're better than anything we do?
► 01:24:03
No.
► 01:24:03
Because they are.
► 01:24:04
No, no, no, no.
► 01:24:05
No?
► 01:24:05
No, he's been cool.
► 01:24:06
He was nice.
► 01:24:08
You know, but it's...
► 01:24:10
Yeah, he was nice.
► 01:24:12
I didn't take any of it too personally.
► 01:24:14
Of course, he has to do it.
► 01:24:15
Yeah, I knew he had to do it.
► 01:24:16
I knew it wasn't up to him.
► 01:24:18
I know it wasn't up to him, and everybody's like, yeah, it was.
► 01:24:21
It's like, no, dude, this was money.
► 01:24:22
If he doesn't, they'll come for him.
► 01:24:23
Yeah, I get it.
► 01:24:26
Yeah, they'll come for him.
► 01:24:28
Yeah, and that's it.
► 01:24:29
I don't know.
► 01:24:30
I thought I'd be more capable of discussing it, but...
► 01:24:34
Yeah.
► 01:24:35
I don't know.
► 01:24:35
It's uncomfortable.
► 01:24:36
Yeah.
► 01:24:36
It's like I don't...
► 01:24:37
I'm not too worried about it anymore.
► 01:24:40
I don't like...
► 01:24:41
I don't like...
► 01:24:43
I don't know.
► 01:24:44
Yeah.
► 01:24:46
Does that make sense?
► 01:24:47
No, it does make sense.
► 01:24:48
It's, you know...
► 01:24:51
Like, I don't want to be a victim.
► 01:24:52
I want to be a comedian.
► 01:24:54
So I don't want to come on and do stuff where I'm like, yeah, and then it was unfair how I was treated.
► 01:24:58
It's like, no, I get it.
► 01:24:59
I understand why I was treated that way.
► 01:25:02
I said wild shit.
► 01:25:03
I'm going to keep saying wild shit.
► 01:25:06
Nowadays, there's no chance I'm going to work at NBC. So those are the rules now.
► 01:25:10
If I want to argue why we made these rules, that's different.
► 01:25:15
But I understand the rules.
► 01:25:17
And I don't...
► 01:25:18
I wasn't...
► 01:25:20
Abiding by those rules.
► 01:25:21
I have zero desire to do a television show now, but I've been offered multiple ones over the last couple of years.
► 01:25:29
Last few years.
► 01:25:31
And the first thing that I think of is like, I don't want to defend any of the shit that I said in like 2009 or whatever.
► 01:25:38
I'm not interested in doing that.
► 01:25:40
It's like...
► 01:25:42
If you know what I'm doing, then good.
► 01:25:45
And if you don't know what I'm doing and you see it and you're not offended, all I can say is, that's not what I meant.
► 01:25:51
I'm just fucking around and don't listen.
► 01:25:53
You don't have to listen.
► 01:25:54
There's a lot of things to listen to.
► 01:25:55
There's literally a million podcasts now.
► 01:25:58
There's a million.
► 01:25:59
You don't have to listen to mine.
► 01:26:00
Go listen to women talk about murders.
► 01:26:03
There's a lot of that.
► 01:26:04
And be like, oh, this is good.
► 01:26:06
Now, those guys saying bad things, that's bad.
► 01:26:09
Not this entertainment value, murder, rape, suicide I'm listening to.
► 01:26:13
Chicks love those true crime shows.
► 01:26:15
They love them.
► 01:26:16
It's so weird.
► 01:26:17
My oldest daughter's really into them.
► 01:26:18
I'm like, why do you watch that?
► 01:26:20
Doesn't that disturb you?
Funny Victims List
00:03:09
► 01:26:22
They like it.
► 01:26:22
Yeah, I don't like them.
► 01:26:24
I try to watch the Night Stalker, that Netflix series.
► 01:26:27
You didn't like that one?
► 01:26:28
No.
► 01:26:29
Makes me very uncomfortable.
► 01:26:31
I don't like it at all.
► 01:26:31
Did you?
► 01:26:32
There were some funny parts in that.
► 01:26:33
Really?
► 01:26:34
What was funny?
► 01:26:35
Dude, you fucking...
► 01:26:36
See, this is Bud Light number four.
► 01:26:38
Here it comes, dude.
► 01:26:40
Now, there was one part where they listed, in the Night Stalker, they listed all his victims.
► 01:26:45
And two of them were sisters.
► 01:26:48
That he got with, like, a hammer.
► 01:26:50
And they were, like, 88 years old.
► 01:26:54
Now, obviously, there's nothing funny about it.
► 01:26:55
It's just funny that that's the wildest shit I've ever heard.
► 01:26:58
Yeah, there's nothing funny about that, but it's crazy.
► 01:27:01
Just two old ladies like, who's at the door?
► 01:27:04
He's telling an old lady with a hammer.