Sept. 9, 2020 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:53:28
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| Oh, thank you, man. | ||
| You did. | ||
| You look like you're well-rested, like the COVID lockdown has done you well. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| During this thing, I came up with a program called the Dial It Back a Little Bit program. | ||
| And it's like AA, except there's only six steps, but you don't get completely sober. | ||
| So it's going to be very popular, I think. | ||
| And the first step was, Ron, why don't you quit drinking so fucking much? | ||
| And what is so fucking much? | ||
| What's the numbers? | ||
| Ah, you know, it's a half a bottle of tequila a night or something like that, maybe a little more. | ||
| Wound back to a third. | ||
| By the way, these little cigars are the shit. | ||
| These are really good. | ||
| Romeo and Julieta, tiny cigars. | ||
| Yeah, that's the mini cigarillo. | ||
| So there's one that's a little bit bigger than that. | ||
| It's called a cigarillo, and these are the minis. | ||
| And I started, like I was saying, when I was playing golf, you know, whenever it's time for me to hit, I just throw it away and light another one. | ||
| You know, there's 20 of them for 15 bucks. | ||
| So, you know, as opposed to a $15 cigar, which is what I usually smoke, something like that. | ||
| But it's good tobacco. | ||
| Yeah, it's really good. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's in their big old premium cigars, just rolled by the junior rollers. | ||
| That's how they light. | ||
| And you look like you're smoking a blunt. | ||
| But we're clearly not. | ||
| Clearly. | ||
| And in Austin, what were you saying about the rules? | ||
| It's like you could have as much as a quarter of a pound before they arrest you? | ||
| Yeah, a quarter of a pound. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you just say it's CBD, CDB, whatever, nugs, then they would have to test it and they don't want to test it. | ||
| They've got other things to do. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They have CBD stores out here, folks. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| They have stores that sell CBD joints, but marijuana is illegal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I don't know. | ||
| My son is in that business, and it is confusing. | ||
| And I think that's what helps. | ||
| They got dizzy trying to figure it out. | ||
| But I was going through LAX on the way out here a week early, because we set this up for, we were talking on Friday, and you said next Tuesday the 8th. | ||
| Well, I don't even know what month it is, much less what day of the month it is. | ||
| And so I just thought it's the next Tuesday coming up. | ||
| Which was only three days away, and I was a little mad at you, and I was like going, wow, it seems like you'd have given me more than three days' notice, and I've got to find a way to get to L.A., and I'm looking at flights. | ||
| There's nothing good. | ||
| I'm thinking about bringing my plane down, which it turns out has a problem, so we couldn't bring it down, and I get down here, and he's like, the 8th is a week from today, and I was like... | ||
| God, I'm so stupid, man. | ||
| We made it work. | ||
| Yeah, we made it work. | ||
| So they just plugged in the stuff a few days early, and here I am. | ||
| So you're not from here, but you've been here for how long now? | ||
| Two years? | ||
| How long have you been here? | ||
| You know, I started coming to Austin when I was 15 years old. | ||
| My buddy, his brother taught economics at UT and had a house on 4th Street, which at that time was just little bitty low-end cracker box houses. | ||
| That mostly teachers lived in. | ||
| And he would let us stay in his yard. | ||
| And so we would tell my parents that we were going camping at Lake Sutherland. | ||
| And my buddy Ricky Bellows, when he turned 16, had the littlest new Honda, but he had one that was wrecked and he rebuilt it. | ||
| And we'd put all our camping gear in it, come straight to Austin, and set up in my brother, my buddy Mickey McMillan, his brother Scott McMillan, We'd set up in his yard, his backyard, and then we'd walk two blocks of 6th Street. | ||
| And it was probably 71 or 72, and Austin was tripping balls. | ||
| I mean, it was people on unicycles, in clown suits, juggling backwards, music pumping out of every window. | ||
| Stevie Ray Vaughan coming out of this with Stevie Ray Vaughan on one end of the guitar. | ||
| Steve Ray Vaughn playing live. | ||
| Live, right. | ||
| Just out the window. | ||
| Now, we didn't have any money, and we couldn't get in any club, so we were completely broke. | ||
| But we were standing there, listening to this music, watching this scene of 6th Street and 71. I guess it was about 71 or 72, when I'd been 15, 71. And even then, there were people going, it's over. | ||
| You should have seen it in 67. I'm like, still looks pretty good to me, man. | ||
| Isn't that just what people always do, though? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You missed it, man. | ||
| Just the other day, somebody was like, oh, yeah, it's just not what it used to be. | ||
| And I'm like, when did you get here? | ||
| Like, Thursday. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, dude, really? | ||
| It's taken a dive since Thursday? | ||
| All these fucking Californians moving in. | ||
| Yeah, they really hate that shit. | ||
| Yeah, I talked to this guy who's doing IT work. | ||
| He's like, we're being invaded. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Well, you know, it's a great state, but it's just a liberal stronghold in the middle of a very Republican state. | ||
| I was born and raised here, and if people ask me if I'm a Texan, I tell them I'm a Texan. | ||
| This is where I'm from. | ||
| And the state is slowly changing and becoming more palatable for everybody, but there's still a pretty hard right-wing faction that runs it all out of Dallas, where all the money is in Houston. | ||
| Well, that's what keeps it from going haywire, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what keeps it from going straight Portland. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| You fucking need that, man! | ||
| Those people are ridiculous. | ||
| You need that. | ||
| You need law and order. | ||
| You do. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what anybody says. | ||
| My old joke was, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. | ||
| Go somewhere else and kill people. | ||
| You'll be better off. | ||
| Go to California. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| I just feel like, you know, people want to throw away everything that's there. | ||
| They just want to break it all down and deconstruct society. | ||
| But they don't really... | ||
| I mean, their plan, once they do that... | ||
| You saw what happened with that six-block chunk of Seattle that they took over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Chaz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It deteriorated almost instantly and became a terribly run country. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They had borders. | ||
| They had people beating people up for filming things. | ||
| I mean, they had murders. | ||
| They were thinking about walls. | ||
| Yes, they took over too. | ||
| Not only that, they appropriated all the buildings. | ||
| They didn't build those buildings. | ||
| They just took it over. | ||
| The problem with that kind of thinking is, even if you think you're right, what you're doing, now someone can do that to you. | ||
| Because you've already shown that it can be done. | ||
| You've already shown that you can just, by force, you can light the fucking mayor of Portland's apartment building on fire and stand out and chant. | ||
| Well, they could do that to your house, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You've got to understand, like, what you're doing is not nice. | ||
| It's not civilized. | ||
| It's not polite. | ||
| This is a civilized society. | ||
| It sure is. | ||
| And if you decide you're going to do things that are not civilized and you're going to justify it, people can do things that are not civilized to you. | ||
| Like, the Founding Fathers, as crazy as it is in the 1700s, figured this shit out in advance. | ||
| They had a whole series of checks and balances to keep things from going sideways. | ||
| They really had some good ideas. | ||
| It's really amazing when you stop and think about their great insight into human nature and how it could apply. | ||
| And where it might go, right? | ||
| They were right. | ||
| They were right. | ||
| Yeah, now, you know, when we were having protests and vandalism and whatever in Beverly Hills, and they were saying that the next... | ||
| They're coming to tear your town apart. | ||
| I really didn't think they would, but I still had a retired Navy SEAL standing in front of my house with a gun, and his message was, why don't you go fuck up the house next door to Ron and leave Ron's place alone? | ||
| Well, it's just these young people with these idealistic ideas about people that are successful that somehow or another you've stolen it from other people and that you need to give it back to everyone else. | ||
| We need to have a communist society. | ||
| Where's the money coming from? | ||
| Who's gonna work? | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| Have you thought this through? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'd always chosen the path of least resistance in my life, and it just ended up here, you know, in Joe Rogan's studio at 63 years old. | ||
| This is the path of least resistance. | ||
| This is where I ended up. | ||
| It is, but it isn't. | ||
| You know, you say that, but you were a grinder. | ||
| You were out there on the road doing the hard gigs. | ||
| That's not least resistance. | ||
| No, it was. | ||
| You know, it was so much fun, I couldn't stand it. | ||
| You know, I would tap my foot when I was at home. | ||
| I wanted to get back out to the path of least resistance. | ||
| Because, you know me, I love stand-up comedy. | ||
| And I love being on stage like you do. | ||
| And touring never bothered me. | ||
| You know, it got softer and softer. | ||
| It started out, it was 800 miles in a In a Nissan truck with a bench vinyl seat that would bend you over the steering wheel after 50 miles and you had 800 miles to go to Atlanta to do shows. | ||
| And I didn't care. | ||
| I felt like I found it. | ||
| And I didn't even know what it was until I found it. | ||
| The first time I was on stage, I was like, oh. | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| That's what I am. | ||
| If you just look at most of society, at least I did when I looked at most of society, most of what people were doing was so unappealing to me. | ||
| It just didn't resonate with my mind and the way I grew up. | ||
| It just didn't work. | ||
| But as soon as I started doing comedy and going on the road, I was like, oh my god, I found this thing. | ||
| I found a thing that just works. | ||
| It just fits into my DNA. It just makes sense. | ||
| That's the same with me. | ||
| And I never, ever thought that my career would get as big as it did, ever. | ||
| We were talking about divorce outside. | ||
| You were talking about how you've been fucked over. | ||
| And I said, if I could just go back in time when you were broke. | ||
| And I said, Ron, in the year 2020, you will have been fucked out of millions of dollars in divorce. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you'd be like, well, fuck, man. | ||
| How much did I make? | ||
| How'd I get all that money? | ||
| Where'd it come from? | ||
| Do I have any left after this? | ||
| How am I doing? | ||
| So, yeah, and it was two women and all together with lawyers and all in for probably $10 million. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Ouch. | ||
| And after-tax money, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| That's $20 million in real-world dollars. | ||
| It's something like that. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Well, you know, if you're making dollars at the box office, you know, you're... | ||
| You're really only putting about 28 cents out of every dollar in a bank account that you could spend, and you've got a big chunk going to taxes and managers and agents and travel and all that stuff. | ||
| And you're trying to have fun. | ||
| And trying to have a good time. | ||
| Hey, you're not squirreling money away for divorce. | ||
| Well, it turns out I was. | ||
| I thought it was retirement, but... | ||
| Now it turns out, you know, I really believe that I'm retired. | ||
| I believe I'm done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You done with stand-up? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Listen, man, we're going to open up a club here in Austin. | ||
| Oh, I'll do that. | ||
| I'm going to drag you in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to crush. | ||
| You're going to get that feeling down to your toes, that tingle. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| I haven't even thought about a set in a half a year. | ||
| You know, they... | ||
| They tapped on my bus in the parking lot of a venue in Springfield, Illinois. | ||
| And the parking lot was half full. | ||
| You know, I'd flown out from L.A., got on my tour bus in St. Louis. | ||
| My crew's with me. | ||
| The crowd's showing up. | ||
| They knock on the door and said, it's over. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The governor just pulled the plug on this date, and then they plugged it on the next date. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck, there's not going to be any shows until May, I bet. | ||
| And boy, was I wrong. | ||
| Right now, we're in September. | ||
| Yeah, it is September. | ||
| And there's no shows in sight. | ||
| Well, you can go some places. | ||
| Houston's doing shows. | ||
| San Antonio's doing shows. | ||
| Nashville's doing shows. | ||
| Kansas City's doing shows. | ||
| A lot of places are like, fuck it, let's roll. | ||
| Let's just do it. | ||
| Yeah, but you know, Zany's in Nashville. | ||
| Hugh Lee fucking collapsed on stage there, and he had COVID, and the guy that ran the club got COVID from him, and He got it from Hughley? | ||
| Yeah, from Hughley. | ||
| Well, he got it, so we're assuming it's from Hughley. | ||
| Maybe he gave it to him. | ||
| Well, it could have gone the other way, except for... | ||
| Hughley collapsed, and then he came up positive three days later. | ||
| Whoever Hughley's road manager is, props to that guy, because he saw it coming and caught him. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Didn't let him hit the floor. | ||
| Because if he hits the floor, man, he's got brain damage, right? | ||
| If you fall from a sitting position... | ||
| And that's kind of a high stage, too. | ||
| You've been there, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, my manager would find out about it on the internet the next day. | ||
| Not only would he not catch me... | ||
| He wouldn't even know where I was, you know? | ||
| But it was a weird one, right? | ||
| Did you watch the video? | ||
| Of him? | ||
| Dio, like, his words got all jumbled together. | ||
| Like, they didn't make sense. | ||
| Yeah, no, I didn't see it. | ||
| I didn't even know there was one. | ||
| It was very strange. | ||
| And the crowd was like, what? | ||
| What the fuck did he just say? | ||
| Oh, is that it? | ||
| What are you doing, Jamie? | ||
| We got a lot of fucking technical glitches. | ||
| We're working out the gremlins here at the new studio. | ||
| Jamie's trying to show it to us. | ||
| He'll show it to us. | ||
| We'll get it. | ||
| We'll figure it out. | ||
| But it was a weird moment where he just paused and just started to collapse and his manager caught him right in time. | ||
| And then he just dragged him off the stage. | ||
| Oh, I'd like to see the footage of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We would, you know, I play golf when I'm there at the same course. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Let's see if we can hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I can't. | |
| That's what I was working on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| See, he catches him. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right there. | |
| Oh, it still bounced his head, though. | ||
| It wasn't a great catch. | ||
| No, it wasn't the best catch. | ||
| I like that little gray goatee thing going on. | ||
| Yeah, in fact, I like it so much I grew one. | ||
| I played golf with him and Cedric and George Lopez a few months ago. | ||
| That must have been a fun outing. | ||
| Yeah, I was staying at this Bacara Resort up in Santa Barbara, and I just looked across the bar, and it was Hughley and Cedric sitting there. | ||
| And I'm like, who is that? | ||
| I recognize these guys. | ||
| And I went over and started. | ||
| I just heard them order tequila. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this is Kindred Spirits over here. | ||
| I'm going to upgrade their order because they sold my tequila at that place. | ||
| And so I sent them over some tequila. | ||
| And they threw a fit over me. | ||
| You're Ron White. | ||
| Ron White. | ||
| And I worked with Cedric. | ||
| He middled for me on the road. | ||
| And I knew he was going to be a star then. | ||
| I was like, they're stopping this guy. | ||
| You know, he's got so much talent and energy. | ||
| And so it turns out Lopez was coming up to play golf with him the next day. | ||
| So we hooked up, made it a foursome, killed a bottle of number one extra in Yeho on the course. | ||
| We passed it around on the 18th to polish it off. | ||
| And what a hoot. | ||
| What a glorious day that was. | ||
| Just laughter and fun. | ||
| I'm sure golf is awesome. | ||
| That's a lot of time. | ||
| You don't have time for it, buddy. | ||
| I don't have time for it. | ||
| You ain't got time for it. | ||
| I don't know how you do what you do. | ||
| Three shows a day or three of these a day. | ||
| I don't do three a day anymore. | ||
| The last time I did your show, I was the third one that day. | ||
| You were like, yeah, I'm going to go do my abs. | ||
| Then I got five sets tonight. | ||
| I'm like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I'm going to go to bed. | ||
| I was drunk, stoned. | ||
| I'm like, you're going to do what? | ||
| Yeah, I got to do my abs and I'm going to head on over. | ||
| Yeah, last podcast we did, we got a little lit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got crazy. | ||
| Yeah, early. | ||
| It's your fucking tequila. | ||
| You come bring in your own tequila. | ||
| What's a man supposed to do? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You got to drink it. | ||
| You got to drink it. | ||
| So you were saying you're just in the tequila business now. | ||
| You're basically not even in the comedy business anymore. | ||
| You know, I actually told somebody in a conversation that I used to be a comedian. | ||
| They said, what do you do? | ||
| I said, I used to be a comic. | ||
| And then I kind of caught myself. | ||
| I'm like, well, Because I believe if you want to be a comedian, all you have to do is go be a comedian. | ||
| But you have to do that, right? | ||
| You have to go do it. | ||
| You have to go do shows and all those things that I just don't do anymore. | ||
| When you call someone a comic, how long do they have to have done it? | ||
| You know, before I recognize it, a while. | ||
| What's a while? | ||
| A year? | ||
| I'd say five. | ||
| Five years. | ||
| Yeah, before you even start to understand the relationship between you and all those people out there, it's a long process. | ||
| I think I caught on to doing stand-up really quickly. | ||
| So when I had four minutes, I could kill for four minutes. | ||
| And then I could kill for five minutes. | ||
| So I always kind of understood how to generate the power, you know, even from pretty early on. | ||
| But I still only had five minutes. | ||
| I think the worst thing that can happen to a young comic now is they come out and win some contest and all of a sudden they're headlining. | ||
| But, you know, they won with 10 minutes of material. | ||
| And then what do you do? | ||
| That's a tough spot to be in. | ||
| Yeah, it's horrible. | ||
| Charlie Murphy was famous, and then he started doing stand-up. | ||
| So he was doing stand-up as a famous person, famous for being funny on The Chappelle Show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That took balls. | ||
| Yeah, it did. | ||
| And I was around Charlie during those days, and it was crazy. | ||
| I mean, he just was learning stand-up in front of sold-out crowds. | ||
| Yeah, that's scary. | ||
| But I never thought any of this, even though I was standing right next to Foxworthy when he exploded into one of the biggest comics that ever lived. | ||
| Uh, I never thought it would happen to me. | ||
| You know, I just didn't. | ||
| Uh, and I was okay with it. | ||
| You know, I liked being a club headliner and I was, I was still making, you know, as much money as my friends or more as a club headliner. | ||
| And, and I wasn't paying my taxes, which made it seem like I made even more money. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| So I'm picking up tabs and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, uh, but I never saw big, you know, big, Big success ever coming my way, and it just did. | ||
| I think the most fun you have is when you're just making enough money to not worry about money. | ||
| Everything else gets complicated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Things get complicated when they can take 10 million from you in a divorce. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| That is. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I remember after Blue Collar came out, and all of a sudden, when the DVD came out, all of a sudden, I could sell out any venue in the country in two minutes, literally. | ||
| And the money was coming in. | ||
| And I was so joyous because I didn't see what else was coming behind it. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I just saw, all of a sudden, I'm making money hand over fist over hand over fist. | ||
| And I'd wake up in the morning glad to be me, you know. | ||
| Having fun. | ||
| I would wake up going, yeah, this is great. | ||
| I could go online and look, I'm a millionaire. | ||
| Look at this, I'm a millionaire. | ||
| This is the most fantastic thing ever. | ||
| But I didn't see what was coming, you know, just as far as all the, you know, I'm basically an idiot and I'm a fool in his money and you don't want to walk away from that without a big pile of it. | ||
| And, you know, and I'm kind of getting to a place in my life where now I'm like, all right, I'm okay. | ||
| I'm okay. | ||
| I still got it. | ||
| I mean, I still have the finances to retire comfortably and, I mean, not... | ||
| Actually, my girlfriend lives on the main channel over on Oxnard at the marina, and we were talking about getting a boat. | ||
| So I called my friend, who's an offshore boat racer, a billionaire, and he knows a lot about boats. | ||
| He'd maybe give us some direction on what kind of boat would be great. | ||
| And so he started asking me right away on the phone call. | ||
| He said, how's the career going, man? | ||
| What's going on in your life? | ||
| I said, it's over, man. | ||
| I don't have any dates. | ||
| I have nothing on the books. | ||
| I don't know when it's coming back. | ||
| And I talked to my financial people and said, let's figure that I'm never going to make another dime. | ||
| What can I keep? | ||
| What do I sell? | ||
| And I said, I got to get rid of the plane and probably the bus. | ||
| And he goes, well, at least you don't have a boat. | ||
| And I was like, well, that was the next one. | ||
| That was my next question, man. | ||
| I was going to sell the boat to get a bus. | ||
| I was going to sell the bus to get a boat. | ||
| But if everything comes back, if they develop a vaccine, if we reach herd immunity, if people start touring again, you'll be out. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I don't know what's left, Joe. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I'll bring you out there. | ||
| I'll just bring you out for a guest set. | ||
| Bring you out for a little guest set. | ||
| Give you a little taste. | ||
| You'll feel the roar of the crowd. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron White! | ||
| Yeah, wouldn't it be nice? | ||
| You know, I could tell because I always worked really hard, right? | ||
| Not worked really hard, but I always did a lot of shows, right? | ||
| Toured all the time. | ||
| And if I took 10 days off, I could feel it in my big set. | ||
| You know, just that information's not floating as close to the top as I'd like for it to be. | ||
| And then by the next set, it was a little better. | ||
| By the third set, I'm fine. | ||
| I haven't done a set, thought about a set, looked at a set list, watched a tape in a half a year. | ||
| And I don't know how long it would even take to get it back. | ||
| Or if I could just walk back into it. | ||
| You'd walk right back into it. | ||
| I did Houston Improv, I guess about a month and a half, two months ago now. | ||
| And I listened to a bunch of sets, and I did the whole weekend. | ||
| And I listened to like three or four recordings, made notes, wrote down all my stuff. | ||
| I forgot a couple of things, forgot the way the order, a few taglines, but I walked out just having a great time. | ||
| I had a great time. | ||
| First show was a little odd, like, wow, I can't believe I'm doing stand-up again. | ||
| By the second show was a show. | ||
| By the third show, I was back. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But it was just because I listened to all the recordings. | ||
| I took a lot of time. | ||
| I really went over it. | ||
| What venue, what size venue were you? | ||
| It's a small place, the Improv. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, I mean, I think it seats 500. And I think they were at 75% capacity. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Why are there no empty chairs? | ||
| It's pretty packed. | ||
| Oh, we took the chairs we didn't need outside. | ||
| But it was a good time. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But then I started thinking, man, what if I got it and then gave it to somebody? | ||
| That's my worry. | ||
| I give it to some person that has a compromised immune system. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's what, you know, I was telling you that, uh, my girlfriend and I, I was going to move, uh, uh, this, I bought a new car for out in LA and I wanted to move the car that was out there, out here. | ||
| So we decided to just drive it. | ||
| So we stopped in Vegas and, uh, stayed at the Bellagio when I, and I've always worked at the Mirage and I found out that outside the Mirage, I'm nobody, even with the MGM grand folks. | ||
| And So it was kind of just, you know, a week before we got there, people were going, who's got the keys to this thing, man? | ||
| How do you turn those lights on? | ||
| We fired those people. | ||
| We got to get them back because we don't know how to do this. | ||
| Yeah, those casinos had basically shut down for months at a time. | ||
| And those are monster, complicated fucking properties. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We did some gambling. | ||
| We ate some decent food. | ||
| No shows or anything. | ||
| We were there for three days and it was great. | ||
| Played golf. | ||
| But we just stayed to ourselves. | ||
| We won some money playing blackjack and spent it immediately on caviar and champagne. | ||
| I'm like, look what we won. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| Then we went to Sedona, and Sedona, you've been to Sedona, Arizona. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Hippie land. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all crystals. | ||
| Faith healers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's gorgeous. | |
| Just beautiful. | ||
| It is beautiful. | ||
| Oh, it's like stunning. | ||
| I mean, every direction you look. | ||
| Why does it attract so many flaky people, though? | ||
| They say it's because of some kind of a vibe that it has, energy, or whatever. | ||
| And we were staying in this, you know, it's kind of a five-star resort, and it was down on this river with these little cabins and this beautiful river, Wolf, whatever, Oak Creek or whatever it is, and cuts through these huge canyons. | ||
| And you could take these Adirondack chairs and put them in the river and just sit in this beautiful clear running river and just sit out there and relax and let the world go by and breathe. | ||
| And it was really, really nice. | ||
| And I told Jeannie, I said, you know what we could do? | ||
| Because we made kind of last minute reservations, so we had the littlest cabin furthest from the river. | ||
| But there was a little house right on the river. | ||
| I don't know what they charged for it, but it was cool as shit. | ||
| And I said, you know what we could do? | ||
| We would pool our money and just rent this place. | ||
| And we'll just live here until we're broke. | ||
| Until the money's gone. | ||
| We've run up a tab. | ||
| We can't pay it. | ||
| I'll tell them there's money coming. | ||
| We've already spent millions here. | ||
| And then when the cops are wading into the river to drag us out and throw us off the property, we'll shoot ourselves and just float dead. | ||
| And she was like, what? | ||
| I'm not saying we have to. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| And then I kind of, okay, syringe of heroin and just whatever, you know. | ||
| She nixed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chicks don't like those romantic ideas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then we went to Santa Fe, then Austin, and then I had my tour bus pick us up in Austin and took us up to Nashville and then to see my mother in Cocoa Beach, Florida. | ||
| And so we had COVID tests before we got to mother's house to make sure, even though we'd been being very, very safe, that I couldn't bear the thought of Yeah. | ||
| Off and my mom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the big fear, man. | ||
| That's the big fear. | ||
| The big fear is giving it to somebody who can't handle it, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a weird one, man. | ||
| I mean, this society has changed in such a radical way over the last six months. | ||
| It's almost like if you... | ||
| I know someone who actually did get hit by a car right before George Floyd died. | ||
| And had brain damage. | ||
| And came out of a coma. | ||
| Like while the riots were going on. | ||
| Like literally didn't know what was going on. | ||
| And has brain damage. | ||
| And is trying to put it all together. | ||
| Like you ever see that movie 28 Days Later? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Awesome zombie movie. | ||
| But the guy wakes up in the middle of a coma, from a coma, and the world's changed. | ||
| He woke up and there was a virus that swept through the land, a virus that they created for chimpanzees called Rage, and it escaped from a lab and started infecting people and turned them into these wild zombie creatures. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, you know, it's almost like that. | ||
| This person that I know woke up From getting hit by a car, flown through the air, landed on their head, got all fucked up, in a coma for 10 days, hospitalized, and then coming out of it, watching the news, going, what the fuck is happening? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Cops cars on fire. | ||
| Streets are burning. | ||
| People wearing masks. | ||
| Everyone's wearing a mask. | ||
| And not wearing masks. | ||
| I'm so protective of my mom, but she wants to get out. | ||
| She wants to go to the grocery store. | ||
| She wants to go, but she's just been locked up. | ||
| She also cooks for me. | ||
| My mother loves to cook for me. | ||
| And it was almost like Breaking Bad when they'd chain that guy to the meth lab. | ||
| That's what my mother looked like in the kitchen, you know, just making fried chicken and fried shrimp and gumbo and all the things I love. | ||
| But we went to the store and, you know, she likes to, you know, she doesn't walk that stable, but so she likes to walk with a, you know, with his cart. | ||
| And so we went and There are people not wearing masks, and I just wanted to fucking cuss them out, you know, and so they get to walk around with no mask. | ||
| I got to keep my mother in a storage facility, you know, so she doesn't catch this disease. | ||
| And so I'd like for everybody to catch on with the mask thing, you know, and just let's get through this. | ||
| Yeah, I think most people have caught on with it now. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Most people are wearing masks. | ||
| It's pretty rare that people aren't wearing masks. | ||
| Especially around old folks. | ||
| It's become, I think, a little bit better. | ||
| And we're getting some better numbers right now. | ||
| So that's good. | ||
| I hope. | ||
| You taking your vitamin D? No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Well, you got to take vitamin D. It's very important. | ||
| There's an article that was just published recently that I put on my Twitter page. | ||
| I don't read your Twitter page. | ||
| You don't have to, but I'll send you the things directly that are important. | ||
| All right. | ||
| But this was talking about vitamin C and people that get COVID and wind up in the ICU. And vitamin D seems to be the biggest factor. | ||
| One of the things Dr. Rhonda Patrick talked about on the podcast, too, is that more than 80% of the people in the ICU are deficient in vitamin D. And only 4% had sufficient levels of vitamin D. The vitamin D has a significant impact on your immune system, and most people don't get it. | ||
| You probably get a good amount because you're out in the sun golfing a lot, but probably not quite enough. | ||
| And you should almost always supplement it. | ||
| Yeah, my doctor said something. | ||
| I just had all my tests done the other day, and he said that you need to boost your vitamin D. That's what he said. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| Humans aren't supposed to live in this little fucking red spaceship. | ||
| We're supposed to be outside in the world. | ||
| I mean, this is how we evolved. | ||
| We evolved to be outside all the time. | ||
| We didn't evolve to be indoor creatures. | ||
| So our bodies are designed to absorb vitamin D from the sun. | ||
| I mean, that's how we create vitamin D in our body. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I think you're right. | ||
| I do spend an awful lot of time outside. | ||
| But I need to get on a program, that's for sure. | ||
| Are you willing? | ||
| I'll put you on a program. | ||
| I'm willing. | ||
| I'm willing to be on a program. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll get you on some vitamins. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you take a ton of vitamins? | ||
| I take a lot of shit. | ||
| Even though... | ||
| And you believe it's all good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, hell yeah. | |
| I feel great. | ||
| You have more energy than anybody I know. | ||
| Do you sleep at all? | ||
| I do. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I have energy. | ||
| I sleep a lot. | ||
| A little amount of sleep for me is six hours. | ||
| That's a little amount. | ||
| Like, that's like a, oh, I gotta catch up. | ||
| A good night, I'm sleeping eight. | ||
| Maybe even nine. | ||
| Yeah, I sleep. | ||
| I sleep good. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| It's everything, man. | ||
| It's everything. | ||
| That's what I want from you. | ||
| I'd love to have Joe Rogan energy instead of Ron White energy, which is, man, let's take a nap. | ||
| That's the tequila, son. | ||
| Oh, no, that's salvation. | ||
| Pour some of that salvation. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| Drag it open. | ||
| I was going to make this deal that for sure I didn't drink for the first hour. | ||
| I think we're about 40 minutes. | ||
| Okay, that's close. | ||
| Close? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Close enough. | |
| 30 minutes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
28? | |
| You made yourself a deal. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, see, if you drink this every day, you're not going to have a lot of energy. | ||
| But you will have an interesting energy while you're drinking it. | ||
| You know, the thing is, it's a stimulant. | ||
| And I know I've told you that before. | ||
| Instead of a depressant, cheers, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Cheers, my brother. | ||
| Congratulations to both of us. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| For everything. | ||
| For everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Damn, Ron White. | ||
| Well, you got it. | ||
| Smell it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm stocking your bar at your house, so I brought a box of tequila. | ||
| I'll have some good ideas with this stuff. | ||
| This stuff will bring me to some strange places. | ||
| It will. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I was also going to bring some shrooms, but I decided not to. | ||
| Are you still microdosing? | ||
| You know, it... | ||
| Did it stop working? | ||
| No, it didn't stop working. | ||
| The guy I was getting it from went to prison. | ||
| For mushrooms? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What are the odds? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that's exactly what happened. | ||
| Who the fuck is putting someone in jail for mushrooms? | ||
| That guy should go to jail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he was a door guy in a club. | ||
| but he was really doing it because you know he knew a lot of vets that had you know ptsd and and they and people were feeling like hallucinogens were you know making a connection for some of these guys and particularly micro dosing yeah micro dosing that's what and that's what i was doing unless there was a concert to go to and then i was maxo dosing well i ran into you at the green room at the comedy store and you're like i found this thing that's amazing I'm just microdosing. | ||
| I guess I'm on medication. | ||
| It puts a little sparkle in your day. | ||
| You described it as wonderful. | ||
| I go, how are you feeling? | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| Take the drugs and go to the concert. | ||
| Have fun. | ||
| Get my lazy ass off the ground. | ||
| But the microdosing, it's just enough to feel it. | ||
| It's just enough to feel it. | ||
| Just enough to take the edge off of life. | ||
| But you're very there. | ||
| Very coherent. | ||
| Yeah, even more, probably. | ||
| Yeah, well, they say you see things better. | ||
| There was studies done on visual acuity. | ||
| One of these... | ||
| Psychedelic researchers, they did these things with people where they gave them low doses of psilocybin and they were able to detect movement quicker than people without it. | ||
| So they have two lines, two parallel lines, and when one of the lines would diverge off of parallel, the people on mushrooms could recognize it much quicker than the people not on mushrooms. | ||
| Yeah, one of my earliest mushroom experiences, maybe the first, We had heard about it. | ||
| Of course, I was in Houston, so mushrooms were at the end of every street because it's all developed ranch land the further out you go. | ||
| So at the end of it, there's a pasture and that's full of mushrooms. | ||
| I had no idea they had value anywhere because they were just so readily available. | ||
| I boiled some up, me and Joe Payne, and we drank them, but we didn't know how long it took for it to hit, and then Joe had to leave, and I'm sitting there, and my dad comes home. | ||
| I was standing with him, and I felt these mushrooms coming on a little bit, and then there was this horrible wreck in Houston where this big truck with some kind of gas flipped on one of those big overpasses, and they had cameras out there. | ||
| And I started laughing so hard. | ||
| It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. | ||
| And I couldn't stop myself from laughing at it. | ||
| And it wasn't funny at all. | ||
| But the laughter was in my dad. | ||
| I remember him just looking at me going, what's wrong with him? | ||
| And so I left and I was driving my car and I noticed that I could see an eye of a bird. | ||
| That was 50 yards away while I was running into the back of another car. | ||
| So I can't really verify that everything... | ||
| But the bird's eye I was looking at, and then all of a sudden, ka-tank! | ||
| Not very hard, but it was definitely a wreck. | ||
| Yeah, it makes you see things. | ||
| It makes you hear things. | ||
| It makes you... | ||
| Yeah, I just started hearing it too. | ||
| I don't know who it is. | ||
| Comes and goes. | ||
| We got some gremlins. | ||
| Spaceship noises in your spaceship looking place here. | ||
| Yeah, we're working this place out and trying to figure it out. | ||
| I like it though. | ||
| I think it's, you know, whenever you're in a new spot, you got to get accustomed to it. | ||
| It still feels weird. | ||
| Like we did one with Adam Curry. | ||
| It just felt weird. | ||
| It feels weird to be here. | ||
| Yeah, I'm already used to it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm used to Austin. | ||
| I'll tell you that. | ||
| I got used to it quick. | ||
| I'm settled in. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| I love the less people. | ||
| I love how friendly everybody is. | ||
| There's a lot of good things about this place. | ||
| I love the barbecue. | ||
| I had diarrhea for four days in a row. | ||
| I couldn't stop. | ||
| Really? | ||
| All I was eating is fucking barbecue. | ||
| I had like a piece of lettuce in four days. | ||
| It was all ribs. | ||
| Ribs and sauce. | ||
| Like, Jesus. | ||
| Where are they coming from? | ||
| You got a go-to place? | ||
| Oh, man, I was going everywhere. | ||
| I found this hole in the wall, a bee cave barbecue. | ||
| Holy shit, it's like a trailer. | ||
| Like this little trailer that you pull up to. | ||
| Fucking phenomenal. | ||
| You know, they're all born out of this. | ||
| Phenomenal. | ||
| You know, these are all early German settlements through New Braunfels, and they just understood smokehouses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it is? | |
| That's where it all came from. | ||
| Wow, it all came from Germany. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No kidding? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Well, I know there's a lot of German folks that live in Fredericksburg, right? | ||
| Like out there. | ||
| Oh, and New Bromvilles and what's south of New Bromvilles. | ||
| Where does your aunt live? | ||
| They live in New Bromvilles. | ||
| But anyway, that was all German settlements. | ||
| We used to go camp, and we'd go tube the Guadalupe River, which is a fun, fun thing to do. | ||
| We stayed at a campground called the Lazy L&L, which used to be a farm for this German family. | ||
| The guy that owned it figured out he could turn it into a campground and make easier money, so he did. | ||
| He was about 90 years old, and he smelled horrible. | ||
| Just really stunk, always. | ||
| Always wearing the same clothes. | ||
| Yeah, one of those guys. | ||
| No more pussy, fuck it. | ||
| Fuck showers. | ||
| Right, fuck showers. | ||
| What would I have to take a shower for? | ||
| But he told me he wanted to show me something. | ||
| So their old barns were there and stuff, and he took me over and he showed me a plow that had a seat on it. | ||
| And he said that when he saw that, he said that he thought everything that could be invented had been invented. | ||
| Now you're sitting on a plow. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Living the good life. | ||
| God damn, the horse is dragging you and the plow. | ||
| You're all good. | ||
| And you're not doing anything. | ||
| Your boots aren't getting muddy. | ||
| No, you're above it. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| You're above it, grinding through life. | ||
| You're living that silver star life. | ||
| It's a weird thing that the immigrants came out here learning how to smoke meat, like Germans smoked meat and smoked sausages, and they somehow or another morphed that into barbecue. | ||
| It was everybody that worked for that one of those people. | ||
| They went and started their own place because they learned how to do it. | ||
| And it just kind of spread from that. | ||
| You can't have bad barbecue here. | ||
| You will not survive. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You will not survive. | ||
| I found that out. | ||
| No, you cannot make any money selling shitty barbecue in the Texas Hill Country. | ||
| You cannot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just not happening. | |
| No. | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, everything's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The real worry, like I was saying, is that people like me will come here and fuck it up. | ||
| How could you fuck it up? | ||
| I'm not going to fuck it up. | ||
| I'm going to find nice Texas people and say, tell me how to vote. | ||
| I'll vote your way. | ||
| I want to keep your thing going. | ||
| Whatever you did to get this, I want to keep this going. | ||
| It had nothing to do with politics. | ||
| It didn't. | ||
| But politics could fuck it up, though. | ||
| Not the barbecue. | ||
| No, not the barbecue. | ||
| But they could fuck up some of the aspects of this place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The freedom parts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The thing about having a place like this is you gotta kinda let people do... | ||
| Like, one of the things that I love about Texas is the fact that it's so wild. | ||
| That you could do a lot of shit here. | ||
| You could do crazy... | ||
| Like, I looked at a ranch. | ||
| And I said, what if I wanted to put a comedy club on this ranch? | ||
| Is there any rules? | ||
| They go, no. | ||
| No, go ahead. | ||
| They were like, go ahead. | ||
| I go, what about a shooting range? | ||
| They're like, okay. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Yeah, bring it. | ||
| Like, do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Put a fence around, shoot every animal you have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, they don't care. | ||
| Kill them all. | ||
| It's freedom. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's freedom. | ||
| I'm socially pretty liberal, but physically pretty conservative. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I just lean that way. | ||
| I hope that Texas leans that way too. | ||
| I don't know that it ever will, but I love the freedom of Texas, and I love calling myself a Texan. | ||
| It was a sovereign nation at one time. | ||
| We could fly our flag as high as the U.S. flag. | ||
| No other state can because they weren't a sovereign nation. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You could fly the Texas flag at the same height. | ||
| It's the only flag? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Do you know why this place is so crazy? | ||
| Do you know the whole history? | ||
| Why it's so different than anywhere else? | ||
| Why Austin or Texas? | ||
| Just Texas in general. | ||
| Because it was its own country. | ||
| Because of the Comanches. | ||
| The Comanches. | ||
| It's really what it is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, let's hear it, Joe. | ||
| They had to fight off the Comanches. | ||
| The Comanches... | ||
| They were mean. | ||
| ...were the baddest motherfuckers in the Plains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they literally ran the western part of this country. | ||
| They were the most savage. | ||
| All they ate was meat. | ||
| They lived off of, like, buffalo meat, basically. | ||
| They learned how to ride horseback better than any other Indians. | ||
| They learned how... | ||
| And they called themselves Indians. | ||
| It's the thing, like, Native American versus Indian. | ||
| I've talked to them. | ||
| They prefer the term Indian. | ||
| I don't know if that applies to all of them, but the ones that I've talked to when I've been trying to educate myself about this shit, they said, we prefer the term Indian, so... | ||
| But didn't the American people or the settlers called them Indians because they thought they were in India? | ||
| The original people in the 1400s thought they were in India. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But for whatever reason, it stuck. | ||
| But the Comanches, they were... | ||
| The Texas Rangers were the first guys to figure out how to beat the Comanches. | ||
| So Mexico was allowing people to move in to Texas and Oklahoma back in the day when the settlers were like, go ahead, my friend. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's free. | |
| It's free. | ||
| And they were basically using settlers as a buffer for the Comanches. | ||
| Because everybody who moved into these places and built houses just got slaughtered. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so when the Texas Rangers figured out... | ||
| But it was Mexico until when? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Until what year? | ||
| I don't remember what year. | ||
| But they figured out... | ||
| The Texas Rangers were the first guys who figured out how to fight the Comanche. | ||
| And what they did is they basically fought like them. | ||
| The early settlers used to get off of their horses to shoot... | ||
| So they'd get off their horses with a fucking musket, and the Comanches would run on them, and they could shoot five, six arrows in six seconds. | ||
| So they would just boom, boom, boom, filling them up with arrows. | ||
| And these poor bastards had the musket with the stick and the powder, and they got fucked. | ||
| So Colt figured out how to make a revolver, and the first revolver was made somewhere in the 1840s. | ||
| And one of the very first people that used the revolver was the Texas Rangers. | ||
| It was Jack Hayes. | ||
| Jack Hayes was the original Texas Ranger. | ||
| And this bad motherfucker figured out how to live like a Comanche, fight off a horseback. | ||
| 99% sure that's his name. | ||
| Jack Hayes. | ||
| Google that real quick. | ||
| But we actually made a large photo of this dude that's going to hang in the front lobby. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| Yeah, there he is. | ||
| John Hayes. | ||
| Well, they call him Jack, too, right? | ||
| Isn't that weird that Jack is a nickname for John? | ||
| John F. Kennedy is Jack Kennedy? | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. | ||
| How the fuck did that happen? | ||
| Jack Hayes, yeah. | ||
| John Coffey, Jack Hayes, was an American military officer. | ||
| So that dude, there's a large metal photo that's being made of him. | ||
| He's the reason why Texas exists. | ||
| Because these motherfuckers figured out how to fight the Comanches. | ||
| They figured out how to do it and partly because of Colt and because of the revolver. | ||
| And the revolver was basically... | ||
| This all comes from a book that's an amazing book that I read called Empire the Summer Moon by this guy, Sam Gwynn, S.G. Gwynn. | ||
| And it's all about the Comanches and how difficult it was for the settlers to make it across Texas. | ||
| So Texas became this fiercely independent place, partially in part because of their battles with the Comanches, who ran through Austin. | ||
| You can find Comanche arrowheads in Austin still to this day. | ||
| I have friends who've found them here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I have friends that look for them all the time. | ||
| In fact, Foxworthy is one of them. | ||
| He goes on these arrowhead searches all over the place. | ||
| Where they find them for the most is those buffalo jumps. | ||
| You know those places where the Comanche would force buffalo off cliffs? | ||
| I didn't even know that. | ||
| This is how wild it is. | ||
| They would force so many of them off of cliffs that they would rot in a pile because they couldn't eat all of them. | ||
| They would rot in a pile and there would be so much bacteria and rot that they would spontaneously combust. | ||
| So most of these buffalo jumps, like when you would find at the bottom, they'd be charred, like charred cliffside because the piles of buffalo would literally burst and burst into flames. | ||
| How do you know all this stuff, Joe? | ||
| I smoke a lot of weed. | ||
| I smoke weed and I get into things. | ||
| That's why I can't play golf. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| You don't have time for golf. | ||
| Well, I can't play golf because I'd get obsessed. | ||
| Yeah, you would. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You totally would. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I know. | |
| And you'd get really good at it, like jiu-jitsu or whatever it is you know. | ||
| I would get obsessed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know I would. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe is obsessed now. | ||
| That poor bastard. | ||
| He's hooked. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He plays golf every day. | ||
| He sends me pictures. | ||
| I know, he's telling me. | ||
| I just played golf with, or just had a conversation with a guy named Pete that we all know. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he had just played golf that morning with Hinchcliffe, and he said he's horrible, but he's so into it that it doesn't even matter. | ||
| That's how he is with Poole. | ||
| Hinchcliffe is horrible at a lot of things that he's really into. | ||
| I think he's really funny, though. | ||
| I think he's a ballsy young comic. | ||
| Oh, he's one of the best up-and-coming comics in America. | ||
| I think so, too. | ||
| He came with me to Houston when we did that gig. | ||
| Oh, did he? | ||
| Yeah, he's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I think he's talking about moving to Austin. | ||
| He's kind of... | ||
| I'm dragging them on here, Ron White. | ||
| He said there's going to be no place to do stand-up, and I'm like, no, there is. | ||
| There is. | ||
| Joe's going to open a club, man. | ||
| I'm going to open up a club, 100%. | ||
| That's the plan. | ||
| There's a long-term plan. | ||
| There's a ranch and a club in those long-term plans. | ||
| And the club's gonna be on the ranch? | ||
| I don't know yet. | ||
| I haven't decided yet. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| You gotta have a club where people can go to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| They get in a car. | ||
| Go to the ranch. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know if you're wrong. | ||
| You might be wrong. | ||
| I could not be wrong about this. | ||
| You might be wrong. | ||
| Location, location, location. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| Barbecue and comedy? | ||
| Yeah, not just barbecue and comedy. | ||
| I mean like outdoor festivals. | ||
| I want to put in an amphitheater and do charity concerts. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Like legitimately. | ||
| Yeah, I think it all can be done. | ||
| Promote it on the podcast. | ||
| Have it for good will. | ||
| All the money goes to charity. | ||
| I forget about your platform and how many people it reaches. | ||
| I know the first time I did your podcast, I had no idea how big it was. | ||
| You just asked me to come do it. | ||
| And I was driving down there going, I can't believe I said I would do this. | ||
| And I had no idea. | ||
| And then I fucking hit a curb while I was pulling in and busted a tire. | ||
| And I'm like, God damn it. | ||
| And then it turns out it was the biggest thing I've ever done in my career was your podcast. | ||
| More people saw that than anything. | ||
| And I got more people coming up to me. | ||
| I saw you on Rogan. | ||
| I'm like, God damn, how many people are watching this fucking thing? | ||
| I remember you grabbing at the comic store afterward. | ||
| You go, I had no fucking idea. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| Nobody told me. | ||
| You know, you didn't tell me. | ||
| I just knew you had a podcast. | ||
| And it turned out, you know, it turned out to be a hell of a gig. | ||
| Well, the thing is, it seems like it's not, right? | ||
| Because it's just you and me here hanging out. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It seems like it's just us. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| This is how we would do if we were the back bar of the comedy store. | ||
| Exactly the same thing. | ||
| And that's why when I watch it, You know, I watched one the other day with you and Whitney Cummings and... | ||
| Annie Letterman. | ||
| Yeah, and that was really good. | ||
| Those girls were awesome. | ||
| Oh, they were so funny. | ||
| Those girls were so funny. | ||
| Did I tell you about Whitney's pig? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She drove it all the way to Texas to a fucking pig sanctuary. | ||
| And I met it. | ||
| Did you meet it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You got pictures? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To the pig sanctuary. | ||
| So what happened was we were going to do... | ||
| I was talking to Jay McGraw, and we were thinking about doing... | ||
| Jay's moving down here. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Jay's moving down here. | ||
| I know, you know, I don't believe it. | ||
| He already bought a house. | ||
| Oh, he didn't tell me that. | ||
| Yeah, he got a house on Luke Travis. | ||
| Oh, no, he did tell me that on Travis, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Ron White, we're bringing them all out here. | ||
| Right, come on out. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Bang the drums, put up the bat signal. | ||
| I told somebody the other day, he said, why is Rogan moving out here? | ||
| And I said, well, because I moved out here and he started crying. | ||
| He was like, what am I going to do without Ron White? | ||
| And I'm like, just come on out here, Joe. | ||
| It'll be great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'll be fine. | |
| Well, you did say that. | ||
| You did say that. | ||
| And I wiped a tear from your eye with a little tissue, and then you just... | ||
| You used that bandana you have wrapped around your neck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just to dry your tears and tell you there's hope for your future, Joe. | ||
| But you were talking about it in glowing terms, and that's not a small part of why I'm here. | ||
| There's several people that talked about it in such glowing terms. | ||
| And when the looting hit, that was the big wake-up call for me. | ||
| I was like, okay, I see what's going on here. | ||
| I either can have armed guards everywhere, which I already had, at the studio, but it felt weird. | ||
| L.A. feels unmanageable. | ||
| It feels like it's out of control and that Garcetti guy's not handling it well. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| No, it's a fucking disaster. | ||
| And there's more tents now than I've ever seen in any REI convention. | ||
| Everywhere you go, everyone's camping. | ||
| You know, it's like the streets are filled with people that got evicted from their houses or lost their jobs or don't have any money for anything. | ||
| And it's just way too many folks. | ||
| Way too many folks and not enough people working. | ||
| And it just seems dangerous. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, the climate's so good that if I was going to be, you know, if I had no home, I would want to live in Southern California and be homeless there. | ||
| The guys who haven't made it is those mobile home dudes that drive around those shitty mobile houses. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because, I mean, basically, you park it and there's your house. | ||
| I mean, you've got a roof, you've got a door. | ||
| Until they make you move, then you move and park it there. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, they're not even making people move that much anymore. | ||
| After COVID, everything... | ||
| After this whole George Floyd thing and the attacks on the police officers, there's very few things they're enforcing that they used to enforce. | ||
| They used to kick where our old studio was, they used to kick them off the streets. | ||
| They used to not let them park in the street. | ||
| Now they're all over the streets. | ||
| You'll go down one of the side streets in the valley and you'll see 15, Van Nuys area, you'll see like 15 of them in a row, 20 in a row. | ||
| It's basically villages of people that are living out of their mobile homes. | ||
| And most of them, they barely can drive. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of them that are just all fucked up. | ||
| We thought someone was shooting in front of our house. | ||
| We thought guns were going out, in front of the studio, rather. | ||
| And the security guys go out there, and it's just one of those guys trying to start up his truck. | ||
| And it's backfiring. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| I mean, really loud. | ||
| Like, we were like, oh shit, it's going down. | ||
| Right out front. | ||
| No, just a dude trying to move. | ||
| Yeah, I figured when I felt like I needed to hire an armed guard to protect my home there, which turned out it wouldn't have mattered. | ||
| Probably didn't. | ||
| Yeah, probably didn't matter. | ||
| But I was that worried about it, you know, just that I'm going to go ahead and put somebody up there. | ||
| And I felt kind of, you know, odd about doing that, because I figure if somebody paid me, To guard their house. | ||
| Once people started coming at me, I would just find another job, right? | ||
| I would move on down the road and do something else for a living. | ||
| You need more than one guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, there were actually two because my manager lives on that street, too. | ||
| So he had one and I had one. | ||
| But they never got, you know, it's pretty high up there, so they just never got that high. | ||
| You know, it was down in the flats, there were some problems. | ||
| The thing is, once things start happening, and you didn't start it, but you're doing it, like looting. | ||
| Like, it takes a lot to get people to smash, get someone to smash a window, run into a store, and steal things. | ||
| It takes a lot. | ||
| But once someone's smashed the window, and there's three people in there stealing things, it's not that hard to run in there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what the problem with my mentality is. | ||
| Once things start happening, it seems normal. | ||
| They get this butthead momentum going and you can't fucking stop it. | ||
| It's very hard to stop. | ||
| And once the genie's out of the bottle, like it is in LA, when they lit those cop cars on fire and smashed all those streets on Melrose and all the way down Hollywood Boulevard and just robbed all those stores, I was like, oh, you're not doing anything about this? | ||
| No cops are stopping this. | ||
| The strategy was to let them burn themselves out. | ||
| I'm like, well, you've just set a precedent and it's going to take years to turn this battleship around. | ||
| It's kind of what they were going for there. | ||
| Eventually, it'll all be okay. | ||
| I was shocked. | ||
| I've been in a state of shock and somewhat depressed. | ||
| About the state of the nation, you know, and the world that we live in and what's the answer to all this? | ||
| You know, is there an answer to all this? | ||
| And it has affected me emotionally and not just... | ||
| Certainly not because of what's happened to me. | ||
| It's just my fear of what's happening to everybody else because I know I'm okay. | ||
| And I'm in a great position to weather the storm. | ||
| But that's one of the reasons why you're okay. | ||
| The real danger is when the economic situation deteriorates We're good to go. | ||
| COVID and the lockdown has put people into this unmanageable situation where they really don't have any light at the end of the tunnel. | ||
| They don't know what to do. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| And so that's where you realize how much economic prosperity is attached to a civilized society. | ||
| If everybody's doing well, everybody's fine. | ||
| But as soon as people aren't doing well, there's more danger. | ||
| There's more crime. | ||
| There's more, you know... | ||
| I don't know how that turns around when all these businesses go under and then people have, what are they going to do, start new businesses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like how much government money has to be- Just the number of restaurants that we lost in Austin that'll never come back. | ||
| And small, but not just restaurants, that's the one I feel because I go out to eat every meal. | ||
| But I know that these mom and pop shops We're not prepared for this in any way, shape, or form. | ||
| And they hung on for a minute and they're gone. | ||
| And will they ever come back? | ||
| You know, you hope so. | ||
| But you wonder how. | ||
| Well, Austin, at least they're letting these people stay open with limited capacity and make people wear masks. | ||
| In L.A., you can't do anything. | ||
| I mean, L.A. is the one place in the whole country where you can't Open a beauty salon. | ||
| All these hairdressers and barbershops are fucked. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They've been closed for six months. | ||
| Did you see that Nancy Pelosi shit? | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| I did. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that lady? | ||
| She, without wearing a mask, I mean, you want to talk about a hypocrite. | ||
| All the beauty salons are locked down. | ||
| She went into the beauty salon with no mask, wandering around, got a blowout when no one else could even go to the beauty salon. | ||
| They caught her on security camera. | ||
| They uploaded it, and you know what she said? | ||
| It's a setup. | ||
| She said it was a setup. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, they set her up. | ||
| Like, you know the fucker. | ||
| I don't even have any hair, and I know you can't go to a beauty salon. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It doesn't apply to you, Joe. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| Literally doesn't apply to me at all. | ||
| And I know the fucking rules. | ||
| She's the Speaker of the House. | ||
| You're telling me you don't know the rules in your district in San Francisco? | ||
| You don't know the rules? | ||
| Of course you know the rules. | ||
| Of course you do. | ||
| It's so slippery. | ||
| That lady handed Trump a giant gift. | ||
| Yeah, it was almost like when Hillary called the supporters a basket of deplorables. | ||
| I'm like, you just handed a man that had a baton a bat to hit you with. | ||
| And not a regular one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just stupid. | |
| One of the ones with the barbed wire wrapped around it like the dude had a walking dead. | ||
| The minute I heard that, I was like, oh, God. | ||
| I thought you were supposed to be smart. | ||
| She's not smart. | ||
| She's just a politician. | ||
| She's just greasy. | ||
| They've just been doing it long enough so they know the moves to do and the right steps. | ||
| They're all gross. | ||
| There's no getting around it. | ||
| You can't survive in that business if you're not gross. | ||
| That's how you get there. | ||
| That's how you stay there. | ||
| And they feed off of the fact that they have control. | ||
| They feed off of the fact that they have power over other people. | ||
| They have more power than anyone else. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why she would do something like that. | ||
| You tell me she can't get someone to come to her house and wear a mask and give her a blowout? | ||
| She's worth $100 million. | ||
| Of course she can do that. | ||
| But she's like, I'm going to walk right in there and they're going to do it for me. | ||
| I'm not going to wear a mask. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I've never washed my own hair. | ||
| She's going to stroll right in there like she owns the joint. | ||
| It's just like when you see politicians being hypocritical, like that lady in Chicago, the mayor of Chicago, she's like, you know, talking up these people in these peaceful protests and everything's fine. | ||
| But then they tried protesting on her block. | ||
| She set up fucking armed guards. | ||
| She said, made a mandate. | ||
| You can't, I don't know, a mandate. | ||
| She just said you can't protest on her street. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I have a right to protect my own safety. | ||
| Like, bitch, that's what everybody's trying to do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what we're into. | ||
| That's what we're doing in here. | ||
| That's what we're doing! | ||
| But that's what people feel when they get into a position of power. | ||
| That's the problem with power. | ||
| That's the problem with whether it's Garcetti or Newsom or anybody dictating any of these rules. | ||
| When someone gets into a position of power, it's fucking intoxicating. | ||
| The ability to tell people you can't work, shut it down, start it up, shut it down, it's intoxicating. | ||
| And once you have some power, boy, it's very difficult to give that power up. | ||
| I anticipate that even if they figure out a real cure for coronavirus, I anticipate lockdowns now for flu, I think there's going to be lockdowns for all sorts of diseases that kill a certain amount of people. | ||
| I might be wrong, but you could see it happening. | ||
| You could see it happening because they've set a precedent for them having the ability to dictate whether or not people work and whether or not people are allowed to move freely and do whatever they want. | ||
| Because that's what happens when people have power. | ||
| It's a fucking dangerous intoxicant. | ||
| Well, I believe you're right about that. | ||
| It's dizzying how sexy power is and how sexy you feel when you have it. | ||
| But I don't think, you know, I think we find a vaccine and we move on. | ||
| Or the aliens land. | ||
| I've been thinking the aliens are coming. | ||
| You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day, another billionaire. | ||
| I've got a few billionaire buddies. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| I know, really. | ||
| I think I'm sucking up to them for a reason. | ||
| They'll tell you in advance what's about to happen. | ||
| Well, this one, this guy, a particular guy, is... | ||
| Really, really, really smart. | ||
| And he has no doubt in his mind whatsoever that aliens are dancing among us. | ||
| I think he's right. | ||
| Pass me the little baby cigars, Ron White. | ||
| I love those things. | ||
| The white one or the dark one? | ||
| Are there different colors? | ||
| Well, there's this one. | ||
| Oh, that's not a cigar. | ||
| I know what the fuck that is. | ||
| That's a CDB that we were talking about earlier. | ||
| Give me some of that light. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Yeah, I'm convinced. | ||
| I'm 100% convinced. | ||
| I used to be 60%. | ||
| And you were up to 100? | ||
| Yeah, I talked to Commander Fravor, David Fravor. | ||
| At one time in my life, I could do 75 push-ups, and I'm down to three. | ||
| You can get back up to 75. I'll show you how. | ||
| All right. | ||
| You got nothing else to do. | ||
| I've talked to people that have seen them. | ||
| I've talked to this one guy who is a pilot in the... | ||
| Is he the Air Force or Navy? | ||
| Navy pilot, I believe. | ||
| Commander Fravor is in the Navy. | ||
| And he encountered this thing that they call the Tic Tac UFO. This is an object that they tracked on radar that went from 60,000 feet to one foot above sea level in less than a second. | ||
| They don't know how fast it did it because it was literally a blip in the radar. | ||
| It went from 60,000 feet down to one feet. | ||
| They have no idea how fast it moved. | ||
| They have no idea how it did it. | ||
| It shows no signs of propulsion. | ||
| There's no heat, no exhaust signature. | ||
| There's nothing that has any indication that it's acting in any way like in any propulsion system that we've ever observed before. | ||
| Yeah, John was telling me to watch a show called Close Encounters. | ||
| That's it, Jamie. | ||
| You just nailed it. | ||
| Whatever it was, you just found it. | ||
| You just did it. | ||
| Oh, it's back again. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's a little, folks, if you hear, there's a little hum. | ||
| There's a little strange audio hum that Jamie's trying to track down. | ||
| I think it's aliens. | ||
| We'll get this worked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll get it worked out. | ||
| I don't think anybody's going to care. | ||
| They might. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| If I had to give you a percentage of whether or not aliens are real, what's the percentage for you? | ||
| 81.3. | ||
| That's a good number. | ||
| 81.3. | ||
| That's likely. | ||
| Yeah, likely. | ||
| I mean, how could it not be? | ||
| How could it not be? | ||
| I really don't even... | ||
| It was kind of odd that he and I were talking about it, but he has a... | ||
| Really nice plane. | ||
| And he lives in Malibu and Austin. | ||
| And so every time he moves from one city to the other, it happens to fit my schedule exactly right. | ||
| So I'm like, that's weird. | ||
| I was going to Beverly Hills today. | ||
| How about I hop on the plane? | ||
| Run! | ||
| I'm on it by myself. | ||
| Come on, let's go. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| So when he pops back down to Austin, even if it's just for a couple of days, you know, I hop on. | ||
| And I really enjoy this guy's mind. | ||
| And I consider him a mentor in business and life. | ||
| I know who you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah, John Paul DeGiorgio. | ||
| But he just started talking about it. | ||
| I hear nothing but good things about that guy. | ||
| God, he's the best. | ||
| I hear he's a fascinating dude. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, if he would do your podcast... | ||
| Do you think he'd do it? | ||
| I think he would. | ||
| I would love to have him on. | ||
| You know, he's a guy that started selling shampoo out of the trunk of his car, you know, and sold Patron, I think, last year for $5.1 billion and still... | ||
| He owns 60 other companies, including Paul Mitchell, which he started. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| At what point do you stop working when you're that guy? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never. | ||
| He never wants to stop. | ||
| He never considers stopping. | ||
| I was so shocked when he sold Patron because I just didn't think he ever would, you know, because he doesn't need to sell it. | ||
| But for whatever reason, he did. | ||
| And in fact, I said something that made him laugh really hard because he told me about it. | ||
| He called me and told me. | ||
| So I sold it to Bacardi for $5.1 billion. | ||
| And I said, well, that sounds like a lot of money, but it sounds like more money when you realize the.1 is $100 million. | ||
| That's like the biggest.1 there is, right? | ||
| There is no.1 trillion. | ||
| That doesn't even exist. | ||
| It's.1 billion. | ||
| But he said that to watch a show, which I never watched because I think he got an advanced copy of it, which was Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind is what it's called. | ||
| And I looked it up and it was coming on something, but it hadn't been on yet. | ||
| So I think he just got an advanced copy of it. | ||
| And he said that it'll take every single doubt out of your mind that's ever been there. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Isn't that a Stephen Greer movie? | ||
| Ah, no. | ||
| That's Close Encounters of the Third Kind. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's Steven Spielberg. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Steven somebody. | ||
| Steven Greer's a guy we had on the podcast before. | ||
| Oh, that wrote the... | ||
| Yeah, he's a... | ||
| No, he's a ufologist. | ||
| Air quotes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Sideways face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Skeptical hippo face. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Blank monocle. | ||
| There's a lot of fuckery in that UFO world. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are making documentaries and a lot of people that are... | ||
| There's a real good one, though, about Bob Lazar called Bob Lazar UFOs in Area 51. I think that's exactly the title of it, but it's by my friend Jeremy Korbel. | ||
| And it's about this guy who was a physicist who worked at Area S4 in the Nevada desert. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Back engineering this craft that the government had recovered. | ||
| And immediately, upon working there, realized, like, what in the fuck is this? | ||
| Like, right away knew that this was no technology that we had currently available. | ||
| I mean, this guy was a physicist, a nuclear physicist at Los Alamos Labs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Worked on weapon systems and shit. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Would know. | ||
| And got there and was like, what? | ||
| What are you guys doing? | ||
| Like, what is this? | ||
| And they were basically explaining, like, these are recovered UFOs. | ||
| And one of them, apparently, according to him, was very old. | ||
| And it was from some sort of an archaeological dig that they found. | ||
| And the propulsion system that these things used was that they used this element called Element 115 that wasn't even proven to actually exist until, I think it was 2013. | ||
| prove that it exists in a particle collider. | ||
| But this guy was talking about in 1989 and he said that they had a stable supply. | ||
| Is that your phone that keeps doing that? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Maybe that's the whole problem. | ||
| That's UFOs. | ||
| But this documentary is fascinating because the propulsion system that he's describing is exactly the same that Commander Fravor had described in the TikTok UFO that they found off of... | ||
| You just gotta shut it so it doesn't make noise. | ||
| I just turned it off. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Nobody needs me. | ||
| They do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need you. | |
| I'm irrelevant, dude. | ||
| You're not irrelevant. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Stop saying that. | ||
| Anyway, the propulsion system that he described in 1989 is exactly the same propulsion system that they witnessed this TikTok UFO using in 2007 or whatever it was that David Fravor had seen this thing off the coast of San Diego. | ||
| So, what those people that... | ||
| Saw these crafts that were monitoring them in the military. | ||
| They were saying they see these like every few months. | ||
| They see these things. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck they are. | ||
| They don't know what to do. | ||
| They scramble jets to go watch them. | ||
| They actively block their tracking systems. | ||
| And then they disappear faster than you can look at it. | ||
| Just take off. | ||
| They have no idea what they are. | ||
| They don't know where they're from. | ||
| They don't know what they're doing. | ||
| And then the Pentagon recently has come forth and released these statements. | ||
| And one of them being that they've recovered crafts that are not of this world. | ||
| 86.6. | ||
| I'm up to 86.6. | ||
| Pass that letter. | ||
| My little cigarillo went out of... | ||
| Oh no, it dropped some... | ||
| Dirty tobacco juice in this fucking thing. | ||
| I'm going to scoop that bad boy out of there. | ||
| I'm going to keep drinking. | ||
| But I'm in, dude. | ||
| I'm like 95%. | ||
| You're down from 100, and I'm up to 86. I listen to my own bullshit, and I go, dude, stop. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| I'm going to drink this with the ashes. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I've got to turn my phone back on, because I've got to show you. | ||
| What are you going to show me? | ||
| The pig. | ||
| UFOs? | ||
| No, the pig. | ||
| The pig. | ||
| Whitney Cummings pig? | ||
| Whitney Cummings pig. | ||
| I mean, there's no way you could possibly... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Kapow. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's Whitney Cummings' pig. | ||
| She was the first person to explain to me that those miniature pigs were not real. | ||
| No, right. | ||
| That's proof right there, right? | ||
| How little is that pig? | ||
| Well, they think they're miniature pigs because they starve them. | ||
| So people buy this little tiny pig. | ||
| They go, oh, this is a miniature, it's a teacup pig. | ||
| And I go, oh, great. | ||
| Who wouldn't want a fat, you know? | ||
| Yeah, you feed it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it grows to be, you know. | ||
| Alex Ramundo bought three of them. | ||
| And he did. | ||
| He lived up in Palmdale. | ||
| And eventually they just got out. | ||
| And then every once in a while you'd see them. | ||
| Now they have tusks and they weigh 450 pounds. | ||
| So this place... | ||
| Do they recognize him? | ||
| Let's finish the story we were on. | ||
| Which story? | ||
| The UFO park? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then go back into the pigs. | ||
| The Bob Lazar documentary is a must-see. | ||
| I'm directing it. | ||
| You should see it. | ||
| Direct away. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| Do whatever you want. | ||
| But the Bob Lazar documentary is a must-see. | ||
| If you're curious and on the fence about UFOs. | ||
| And I had that guy in here. | ||
| I talked to him. | ||
| He gave one of the first interviews that he's given in a long fucking time. | ||
| And I picked his brain for hours. | ||
| I'll go back and listen to it. | ||
| He didn't seem like a bullshit artist to me. | ||
| There's some weird parts of it, but there's always going to be weird parts when you're talking about literally back-engineering something that someone from another planet invented and using some technology that we don't understand. | ||
| And one of the analogies that he had was imagine if you brought a nuclear reactor to the 1400s and introduced it to them. | ||
| Which 1400s is nothing, 600 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| In terms of the age of the universe, it's not even a blink of an eye. | ||
| I think we could just go back to 1800s. | ||
| 1800s. | ||
| Show them a nuclear reactor. | ||
| And I'm going to be pretty surprised about a nuclear reactor. | ||
| Let's go to 1936. Yeah, right, right. | ||
| Show them a nuclear reactor. | ||
| That was his analogy. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| Like this technology, it is technology. | ||
| It's clear that they figured out how to manipulate this element and use it to bend gravity. | ||
| And that's the propulsion system. | ||
| Instead of using something that pushes, like a fire that pushes against the wind and pushes you in a certain direction, or a propeller that pulls you into a certain direction, instead of that, it bends gravity. | ||
| The way he described it, it's like if you put a massively heavy bowling ball in the center of a bed, right, and it just sunk everything into the bed, that's basically like a very crude description of what this element does. | ||
| And with this reactor that they have on these spaceships, that it literally bends gravity around and allows you to just instantaneously jettison that ship into another position in the universe. | ||
| I'd say, stop, Joe, I'm getting a bloodletting. | ||
| They're draining my blood into a bowl to cure something that I think I've got. | ||
| What'd you say again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think they've been here forever. | ||
| I think they've been coming down here and observing us and waiting. | ||
| And it also coincides with there's a giant jump in sightings right after the Manhattan Project. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So right after we started blowing up bombs, they were like, hey, hey, hey, these fucking monkeys have figured out some shit. | ||
| Let's go visit them again. | ||
| They probably got a, you know, probably got a news wire. | ||
| They probably got a Google News alert on their phones. | ||
| They're like, oh Christ, look at these things. | ||
| Look at these crazy monkeys. | ||
| What have they done? | ||
| Okay, 91. I'm up to 91. What are you down to? | ||
| I'm down to 50%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm worried about things. | |
| I'm going to try to pull you out of it. | ||
| I'm always worried about things that I want to believe. | ||
| If I want to believe it, I'm always skeptical. | ||
| Right, me too. | ||
| I don't want to fuck up here. | ||
| Delicious tequila with ashes. | ||
| Freshie there, Villa. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Oh, you're going to rinse? | ||
| I'm over here doing the dishes. | ||
| Oh, a little rinse. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| This is the job I've been looking for right here. | ||
| Maid service at Joe Rose's podcast. | ||
| The only reason why I don't believe 100% all the time is because I know I want to believe 100%. | ||
| So I think that I'm full of shit. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| I'm worried about my own desire to believe. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Because when you want to believe something... | ||
| You can. | ||
| It's easier to do, right? | ||
| Yeah, you can convince yourself of shit that's not accurate. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you know, many things. | ||
| You know, I was wondering... | ||
| How Trump got evangelicals to support him, and then I read the stories about Falwell Jr., and I'm like, that all makes sense now. | ||
| Falwell Jr. was going, you know what, I don't see anything wrong with any of it. | ||
| And then he told that to the rest of the guys, and then, oh, was I laughing so hard. | ||
| You know, my parents used to take me to see, God, who, what's his name? | ||
| Jimmy Swagger? | ||
| Swagger, yeah, Swagger. | ||
| Remember when he got busted? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, I am the straightest human being sexually in the world. | ||
| Compared to these guys, but when this happened, I laughed so hard because I just started thinking about him patting Trump on his shoulder and going, hey, you know what, I get it, I get it. | ||
| Hey, it's Liberty University. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You want freedom. | ||
| And I was just searching for all that information, and then it got to the point where he admitted that his wife had an affair with a pool boy. | ||
| That's right, out of a magazine. | ||
| That's not even true, you know, but it is true. | ||
| And then he goes, but I wasn't there watching. | ||
| And I'm like, I already don't believe you. | ||
| I already don't believe you. | ||
| And so it says, my wife had an affair, but I wasn't there watching. | ||
| I'm like, wait. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| What the fuck just happened? | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| You weren't there watching? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I did not fuck that guy's pig. | ||
| I didn't do it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Why'd you even bring it up? | ||
| What are you talking about, man? | ||
| Where's that from? | ||
| I already don't believe. | ||
| I think they're all freaks. | ||
| Yeah, I do too. | ||
| I mean, all the evangelicals that make all that money, there's no way they just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Power. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Power, right? | ||
| There's no way they just stop at the money. | ||
| I used to do stand-up comedy in the Sheraton Sand Key Hotel in Clearwater, Florida, which is the same hotel where Jessica Hahn... | ||
| Fuck Jim Baker. | ||
| In the presidential suite up there. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's the same story, right? | ||
| It's always the same story. | ||
| And then Kinnison ended up fucking her, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What goes around comes around. | ||
| When she was on... | ||
| Kinnison and her were on Stern together. | ||
| I think she called in when Kinnison was there and she was calling him a fucking loser. | ||
| He's like, you're a whore! | ||
| Yeah, I remember. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| It was so terrible. | ||
| But the fact that she went from being this lady who fucked this famous preacher to being this quasi-celebrity. | ||
| And this was before reality TV. We've got to remember, back in those days, there was only a few of those weird pseudo-celebrities. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So maybe the beginning of reality TV. Yeah, in a way. | ||
| Yeah, in a way, that was the beginning. | ||
| Well, you know Tammy Faye wasn't blowing him right. | ||
| Probably not anymore. | ||
| She probably had it to get to the dance. | ||
| But she lost interest in it. | ||
| Once she was in, she had the eyelashes. | ||
| Yeah, it kind of stunk one day and she got afraid of it. | ||
| Didn't she die from Diet Coke? | ||
| I think she's one of them people that they go, man, maybe. | ||
| I think she drank like a hundred Diet Cokes a day. | ||
| Like a week ago, I was in... | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's like I hooked up with this girl. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Jerry Falwell Jr. allegedly caught on tape warning pool boy not to make wife jealous. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the one I thought you guys were talking about. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that handsome fella. | ||
| That young boy. | ||
| Apparently he would watch. | ||
| The young fella would say that Jerry Jr. would sit in the corner and watch. | ||
| But imagine if you're your dad. | ||
| There was a point in my life, well, I would have watched her fuck him if I was bored. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be real bored. | ||
| Well, for that one. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you have to be real bored. | ||
| Unless, I mean, unless you're like, unless you are trying to really corrupt your wife, you're like, I know what I'm going to do. | ||
| I'm going to get some guy to fuck her in front of me, and that bitch can't say shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| From now on, I can do all kinds of wild stuff. | ||
| Like, I watched the pool guy fuck you. | ||
| I was in the, I had my arms crossed. | ||
| I got pictures on my cell phone. | ||
| I was watching you suck his dick like this. | ||
| I mean, if you really want to corrupt someone to the point where they've got to leave you alone with all your deviants... | ||
| That would be one way to do it. | ||
| That's probably the best way. | ||
| If you're a woman, because a woman cheating on a man, for whatever reason, seems more scandalous than a man cheating on a woman in general. | ||
| And then on top of that, I don't know why it seems more scandalous, but it does. | ||
| Easy, Joe. | ||
| Because it seems like men cheating, it's all dependent upon the person. | ||
| It's all on the individual, but it's scandalous because it's more scandalous because the man's letting her. | ||
| Like, there's more threesomes, and I'm just pulling this number out of my hat, but I think there's more threesomes that involve the wife or the girlfriend bringing in another woman. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Than ever than a guy bringing in another guy. | ||
| Dude, right, right. | ||
| Like, hey, you know, I love my wife, but she wants... | ||
| Hey, Bob, she wants you to fuck her. | ||
| So I'm going to watch. | ||
| That's probably way more rare. | ||
| Probably way, way, way, way more rare. | ||
| Because I have multiple friends that have had their girlfriend or their wives bring home other gals. | ||
| It seems normal. | ||
| Yeah, I had a friend that... | ||
| Fran, whatever, but the first time I met him, I was playing golf with him. | ||
| And he showed me a video fucking tape of his wife getting banged by a really attractive, huge black guy. | ||
| And he didn't even know me. | ||
| And he goes, look at this. | ||
| He handed me the camera. | ||
| That's my wife. | ||
| That's my wife. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| That's my April. | ||
| Hey, all right. | ||
| Well... | ||
| Can I get a check, please? | ||
| I'm going to have to go. | ||
| Yeah, that's a guy who's establishing some very loose boundaries. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Very, very loose. | ||
| Very loose. | ||
| For himself, too. | ||
| But for your friendship. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Things can go real weird with that guy. | ||
| He's already showing you video of his wife getting fucked. | ||
| I was thinking that he was trying to rope me into this. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| And if I would have done it, then he would have gotten footage of that. | ||
| And then boom, he'd have had liberties with me too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't know what I would have done to get into that. | ||
| Right, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's probably how they do it. | ||
| There's a lot of... | ||
| Like, sex is such a weird thing in terms of, like, what's acceptable to some folks is deviant to others. | ||
| And I think there's a lot of these people that are evangelical types in particular, especially, that... | ||
| Probably, they can't hold that standard. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That standard of piousness, and they're out there speaking God's Word! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And they're doing it to thousands and thousands of people. | ||
| And it's a powerful position which makes women horny, you know? | ||
| And then you start getting these little opportunities pop up that would have never popped up if you were down at the First Baptist Church of Oaxaca. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right? | ||
| But now you're the first Baptist of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's probably kind of hot, right? | ||
| A woman comes up, a real deeply Christian woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jerry Falwell Jr., I just tell you, I am a woman of God, but there's something about you that brings a fire to my loins. | |
| Next thing you know, next thing you know, you're doing coke in a penthouse. | ||
| Yeah, with a big old glass of red wine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Porn everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Baby! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, baby. | ||
| You're crushing up pills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Come on. | ||
| Donald, listen. | ||
| Don't sweat that. | ||
| Donald Trump's my friend. | ||
| I'll call him right now. | ||
| And they were like, what? | ||
| No, Donald Trump, really? | ||
| Mar-a-Lago, I got a gold card. | ||
| Look at that gold card. | ||
| Why else would you be a billionaire? | ||
| Why else? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Don't you want to party? | ||
| You should go at it, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are you doing? | |
| You just want to be a billionaire? | ||
| Your bank account's full, your balls are empty. | ||
| What is the point? | ||
| Am I in the way, Jamie? | ||
| Am I fucking up his camera? | ||
| Turned real blue for a second. | ||
| Oh, it's the aliens. | ||
| I don't like this conversation. | ||
| What happens when you talk about them? | ||
| Or the televangelists. | ||
| As soon as someone is telling you how to live your life and people are listening, boy, that gets fucking crazy. | ||
| What you can and can't do what God wants! | ||
| Right. | ||
| Remember that Hicks bit about Jesse Helms and these... | ||
| How'd it go? | ||
| There was something about that they were interviewing his wife after he died, and she was talking about Jesse's collection of little shoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Well, that's what's so fucked up. | ||
| You remember when you used to think that pedophile cults were just some ridiculous conspiracy theory? | ||
| You know, like, oh, hey, man, there's an island, and they fly people out to the island, and they fuck underage girls. | ||
| Like, get out of here. | ||
| That isn't really going on, Jeff. | ||
| Get out of here with this nonsense. | ||
| Meanwhile, Clinton's like, well, he was my friend. | ||
| We flew a lot. | ||
| We flew together. | ||
| It's not a big deal. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| I played golf with him once, and he told me a joke. | ||
| He set it up as a story, so it was pretty good. | ||
| He goes, it was a rapper friend that he knows. | ||
| And he was in a Maserati dealership and all thugged out. | ||
| And the guy goes, are you thinking about buying one of these cars? | ||
| And he goes, no, I'm going to buy one of those cars. | ||
| I'm thinking about pussy. | ||
| Yeah, that's an old joke. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| It's an old joke. | ||
| Clinton's a hack. | ||
| Yeah, Clinton. | ||
| I hadn't heard it. | ||
| So, to me, it was just Clinton telling me a pussy story with the word pussy in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm thinking about pussy. | |
| All right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever do impressions or did you just do that one? | ||
| I got a few impressions. | ||
| Yeah, but he's one of my favorite. | ||
| I had this bit that I was doing for a while. | ||
| I don't know if you ever saw it. | ||
| I had a new Netflix show called Ex-Presidents High on Mushrooms. | ||
| And the whole goal of the show was just to get Clinton. | ||
| And that you don't want to get Bush because he would just start crying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, but Obama probably, he knows how to do mushrooms. | ||
| Like, he'll probably be cool with you. | ||
| Like, that probably wouldn't even be that big a deal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you can get Clinton high on mushrooms, like, just get that guy to trip balls. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He should have been a comic. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Should have been a sax player. | ||
| You know who should have been a comic? | ||
| That Wiener guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Anthony Wiener? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Should have been a comic. | ||
| That guy was a full-blown dumb enough... | ||
| Right? | ||
| To become a comedian. | ||
| He just sending his dick out to everybody. | ||
| He went to jail for sending his dick to underage people, though, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| But how do you know how old that person is you're sending that dick pic to? | ||
| Be careful! | ||
| Be careful! | ||
| He didn't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These fucking perverts and deviants. | |
| I see perverts and deviants that are good speakers. | ||
| I'm like, man, you missed the open mic night. | ||
| You sure did. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| You could have brought this to a bigger audience. | ||
| You're in the wrong business. | ||
| You're in a business where you get chastised and you lose everything for being who you are instead of selling out stadiums. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Instead of people laughing. | ||
| You fucked up, bro. | ||
| So you're an arena comedian. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I used to be. | ||
| Before the Great Plague. | ||
| No, but I mean, that's the size of numbers you draw when you decide to do stand-up. | ||
| There are coliseums and shit like that. | ||
| Did you ever think that would happen in your life? | ||
| I don't think it's happening when it's happening. | ||
| Oh, right? | ||
| You're able to ignore it? | ||
| When I'm getting introduced, well, most of the time I'm high, right? | ||
| So when I'm getting introduced, there's a moment where I do not believe it's real. | ||
| And that moment is always, that's at comedy clubs, that's at theaters, and it's most certainly at arenas. | ||
| There's a moment where they're like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joe Rogan. | ||
| And you walk into a theater in the round, and there's 15,000 people there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It just does not feel real. | ||
| It does not feel real. | ||
| It never feels real. | ||
| But I know how to do it. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| So I just go out and do it like it feels real. | ||
| What's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| I've earned it! | ||
| What's up? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| This makes sense. | ||
| This is normal. | ||
| This is where I live. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| I think when it makes sense, I'm in trouble. | ||
| When it doesn't freak me out, that's when I'm in trouble. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, when we were doing Blue Collar, I think the biggest one we did was a little over $20,000 at the place where they play hockey in Nashville. | ||
| And we'll always have the record or attendance there because we had the smallest stage. | ||
| Elton John used to hold it, but we had a smaller stage in the middle, right? | ||
| So we could build it up all the way around it. | ||
| And it was packed to the rafters with these huge TVs. | ||
| Ron White! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| And then afterwards, we go back to the Lowe's Hotel, and there's a guy there from a magazine doing interviews. | ||
| And my head is so pumped up, I was like, you know, I said some stupid shit. | ||
| And Foxworthy was just regular, humble, sweet Foxworthy, right, who never makes a mistake in those kind of ways, because that's his nature, right? | ||
| He doesn't get drunk enough, right? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I get plenty drunk to say the wrong fucking thing. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| So there were just some really arrogant sounding quotes out of that. | ||
| But what's my head supposed to feel like after that? | ||
| You know, after I just walk off stage with 20,000 people... | ||
| Screaming like I'm a beetle or whatever. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| How do I calm down from that? | ||
| I don't know how you do it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've never figured it out. | ||
| I just shake my head and go, wow, is that real? | ||
| That's why those rock stars died at 27. They couldn't figure that out. | ||
| It happened to them young. | ||
| It didn't happen to me until I was in my late 40s. | ||
| Not only that, it happened to them before it happened to anybody else before them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There was no rock stars before the rock stars. | ||
| So before the 50s and the 60s, there's nobody selling out 25,000 seats. | ||
| Like, of course Elvis died in the toilet, filled with pills. | ||
| How the fuck is he supposed to manage this thing that no one's ever had to manage before? | ||
| No idea. | ||
| There's no blueprint. | ||
| There is none. | ||
| For us, we could look at Chris Rock and Richard Pryor and Steve Martin and all these other big acts that came before us and go, okay, how do these guys handle it? | ||
| Can I talk to them? | ||
| Could I sit down with Louis C.K.? Could I sit down with Dave Chappelle? | ||
| Will he tell me what it was like? | ||
| Yeah, what mistakes do you not make? | ||
| What is it like when you walk out there? | ||
| It's set with booby traps, and I stepped in every one of them. | ||
| I mean, it was like I was trying to hit them all. | ||
| I was like, clonk, clonk, clonk. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Are they everywhere? | ||
| I put a foot. | ||
| It's fun when you do it with other people. | ||
| Chappelle and I did a bunch of gigs, and we were supposed to do a bunch more until the COVID hit, but we broke the record of the Tacoma Dome. | ||
| It was 25,000 people. | ||
| You just said that to beat my number of 20,000. | ||
| I just had it in my pocket. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're like, oh, I got this. | ||
| I'm going to throw it on him. | ||
| Dave has a DJ, and the whole thing is so crazy. | ||
| The lights are spinning around and everything. | ||
| And there's a thing that you feel like, first of all, and Dave said to me right before he went on stage, we were hanging out in the back, and he's like, Not a lot of motherfuckers get to do this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He was right, too. | ||
| But it was the way he said it. | ||
| He was right. | ||
| Like, man, like, yeah. | ||
| And Dave, like me, gets fucked up before shows. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's like, I like hanging out with other dudes who get really high before shows. | ||
| Because there's something about that wild ride. | ||
| I akin it to, I liken it to skiing downhill. | ||
| When you're going too fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you know you're in trouble, but you can still do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You make it, you land at the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh! | |
| You're like, woo! | ||
| That was dangerous. | ||
| Because I really didn't have control of that. | ||
| At one point in my comedy career, my goal was to be smoking a joint outside that door, take a big hit, ladies and gentlemen, Ron White, blow the hit out in their face. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| At one point in time. | ||
| And then you did it so many times. | ||
| It was like, all right. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fun way to do comedy. | ||
| The most fun thing about comedy is not just doing comedy, but doing comedy with other people that are also enjoying doing comedy. | ||
| That's why the fucking store is so great, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's why we have to recreate that here, my friend. | ||
| Well, you know, but you're moving it out to a fucking ranch, dude. | ||
| Do we all get to live on the ranch? | ||
| You want to? | ||
| I'll set that up. | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| I will absolutely be interested in that. | ||
| We all move out to the ranch and eat barbecue. | ||
| I'll set up large chunks of property on the ranch just for comics. | ||
| How about every comic that's like a legit headliner gets like a two-acre plot of land on the ranch. | ||
| You got a nice yard, you do whatever you want, build a house for you. | ||
| Do we gotta do the yard? | ||
| You don't have to fuck anybody. | ||
| But you gotta fuck my wife, and I'm gonna film it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| I gotta tell you, I just met her and I'm in. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| Oh, God, I had no idea. | ||
| I mean, I figured she was, but I'd never seen a picture of her or anything. | ||
| My favorite person. | ||
| She's so beautiful. | ||
| She's a nice lady. | ||
| Got a cool personality. | ||
| But yeah, you could watch. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I wouldn't care who saw that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Bring in the pool boy. | ||
| Who's got the camera? | ||
| I don't really want to have a cult on a ranch, but I do think it would be fun to have a comedy club out there. | ||
| You know, there's this really cool building. | ||
| It's not too far from your house, and it's, you know, I wish I knew the titles or some of this stuff, but It was a cult, and they built a theater right over here, right next to Travis. | ||
| You know where we went to see Monty Montgomery that night? | ||
| Didn't you go with us over there to play that theater? | ||
| The little 350 CDs. | ||
| I should just explain to people that are just listening. | ||
| Sometimes he asks questions to his son, Marshall, who's in the room. | ||
| So it's like, who are your uncle? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| He's my memory. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Jamie's got it. | ||
| One World Theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| This guy was a cult figure, and he built this for him to dance in. | ||
| Oh, look at him. | ||
| Look at the dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, look at him with no shirt on. | ||
| Look at his abs. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Of course he had abs. | ||
| So this is over by your house, and it seats about 350 people. | ||
| I did a show there the other night. | ||
| How many people? | ||
| Look, there it is right there. | ||
| 350? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| It doesn't look like 350 there. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| That's the perfect size for a comedy club. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Was that guy dead? | ||
| Well, the cult dissolved, and now they do occasional shows in it. | ||
| Is the guy still alive? | ||
| Click on him, Jane. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Click on him down there, the lower right-hand corner, the bottom picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think that's him. | |
| No? | ||
| The one below it. | ||
| Below it. | ||
| Below that. | ||
| The one below that. | ||
| Below that. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| That one. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| That's a cult guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| Yeah, there he is. | ||
| Yeah, there's something on Netflix now that I watch. | ||
| He just looks full of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, doesn't he? | |
| Doesn't he? | ||
| There's a certain fake spiritual look that's one of my favorite looks. | ||
| He looks like he would fuck anybody. | ||
| Anybody. | ||
| Anybody. | ||
| I always feel like with fake spiritual women, they're just trying to find themselves. | ||
| I give them a free pass. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But fake spiritual dudes, I'm like, you're just trying to fuck. | ||
| I see what you're doing. | ||
| You're looking for an angle. | ||
| You're just trying to get an angle on some lost women. | ||
| I know what you're doing, bro. | ||
| Yeah, nice abs though, huh? | ||
| Crazy abs. | ||
| The guy must watch his diet, do a lot of sit-ups. | ||
| Yeah, he's doing a lot of things. | ||
| But anyway, that building is right over by your house. | ||
| Well, I don't want a cult building. | ||
| That seems like a terrible idea. | ||
| I thought you did, and that's what gave me this idea. | ||
| You were the one bringing up the kilt shit. | ||
| I'm going to do it the right way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy's an asshole. | |
| Out on a ranch. | ||
| The key to a successful cult is you have no membership, do whatever you want, you can leave whenever you want, you don't fuck everybody's wife, and you don't take 10% of their money. | ||
| That's the key. | ||
| What's the point? | ||
| That's the thing they're doing it all wrong. | ||
| What's the point? | ||
| There's no point. | ||
| The point is just stay slightly drunk and keep moving. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the point. | ||
| I would like to say... | ||
| Ta-da! | ||
| You're doing it already! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, micro-dosing and slightly drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That should be the title of your book. | ||
| Have you ever written a book? | ||
| A New York Times bestseller. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Ron White? | ||
| I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. | ||
| It was number one. | ||
| It tied for 15th place, which makes you the number one bestseller for the rest of your life. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| You can put it on your fucking tombstone. | ||
| That's pretty amazing. | ||
| And basically, it was just a... | ||
| They had asked me to do it, and I said no. | ||
| And then they asked me again and said, for this much money? | ||
| I said no. | ||
| I don't have time. | ||
| I'm not going to write a book. | ||
| It's not what I do. | ||
| I'm doing stand-up, and I'm doing well. | ||
| Because it was after everything was clicking, right? | ||
| And then they said, how about we just... | ||
| Copy a transcript of your show and put that in there, and then you just add a couple stories. | ||
| I'm like, for how much? | ||
| And they said, this much. | ||
| And I said, yeah, all right, let's do that. | ||
| And I had to go on a book tour, which was a pain in the ass, and sign books. | ||
| But still, it was a New York Times bestseller. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| I'm also an honorary member of Harvard Lampoon. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| What else? | ||
| Which was very cool. | ||
| You really good at badminton or something like that? | ||
| I'm okay at ping pong. | ||
| I used to be good at ping pong, but not anymore. | ||
| Ping pong's tricky, man. | ||
| Yeah, tricky. | ||
| That's a touch thing. | ||
| You gotta be... | ||
| You gotta have a ping pong table and you ping pong all the time. | ||
| But I was good at 160 pounds. | ||
| I doubt it. | ||
| At 215, I don't think I'm that good. | ||
| I think I've lost some of my twitch. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's hard on the knees, too. | ||
| There's a lot like tennis. | ||
| When I see people playing tennis, I'm like, man, you only have so much meniscus. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's Dr. Phil. | ||
| I play golf with Dr. Phil, but he plays tennis. | ||
| That's his game. | ||
| And it keeps his knees so fucked up. | ||
| It's a great game. | ||
| I love playing it. | ||
| That was good, too. | ||
| I'm out there. | ||
| It's amazing how much he sounds like Clinton. | ||
| No, it's a little different. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| But that tennis keeps his knees fucked up. | ||
| He's 6'4", big guy. | ||
| Well, he tore his shoulder apart too, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, I've heard of that. | ||
| They have it in Venice Beach, but it's tennis for old people, but it's popular here in Austin, apparently. | ||
| So you don't have to move as much. | ||
| Look at that fat guy. | ||
| He just hurt his knee too, look. | ||
| But see, once you play virtual reality games, this just seems like a stupid waste of time. | ||
| Out there playing pickleball. | ||
| You know, you play like one of them sandbox games. | ||
| You ever gone to a sandbox? | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a virtual reality studio where you go to like a warehouse. | ||
| They strap you up with a haptic suit so you feel when you get hit. | ||
| And you put a helmet on so you're in virtual reality. | ||
| You wear gloves. | ||
| And you play these fucking crazy games. | ||
| Like all kinds of wild games. | ||
| Like you're on a pirate ship. | ||
| And the pirate ship gets taken over by demons. | ||
| And skeletons are chasing after you. | ||
| You shoot muskets at the skeletons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have one here apparently. | |
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I think the original one might have been in Austin. | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| But I played it in Woodland Hills. | ||
| Out near the old studio. | ||
| And it's a blast? | ||
| Oh my god, it's fucking awesome. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| And it makes you realize, like, you were around when Pong came out. | ||
| Remember when you had the little turn? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| We thought everything that could be invented had been invented. | ||
| Yeah, so this is, uh, this is, fast forward a little bit, I don't care about these people signing up. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Oh, you can't? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| We don't have all the glitches figured out. | ||
| They go through this thing, you put on this thing on your foot and on your hands and the suit and the headgear and then you go into these rooms and you're transformed into this avatar and you play these wild fucking games. | ||
| And that was an awesome one. | ||
| The zombie one is awesome. | ||
| You're in a house and the house is overcome by zombies and they come falling out of the ceiling and running towards you and you're gunning them down. | ||
| But your weapon's good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| I mean, you can take them out? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Their heads explode. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, you're gunning them down. | ||
| And you watch their little zombie bodies get riddled with bullets. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| But it's like when we're talking about playing Pong. | ||
| When we were kids and we were first playing that, like, this is incredible. | ||
| I'm playing something that's on the TV. That is what I look at when I look at these games and I say, what is it going to be like in 50 years? | ||
| What is it going to be like in 5 years? | ||
| It's going to be fucking amazing. | ||
| It's not going to be pickleball. | ||
| Pickleball is on the way out the fucking door. | ||
| It's going to be awesome. | ||
| It's going to be spaceships. | ||
| You're going to be hanging out with Bob Lazar. | ||
| Because we played paintball, which stings, right? | ||
| That actually hurts. | ||
| Paintball has consequences. | ||
| But it's also fun as fuck. | ||
| But this looks like this is another version of that in air conditioning. | ||
| You don't have to feel the pain of that paintball hitting you in the rib. | ||
| They have one-on-one sword fights. | ||
| You fight with each other with modern crazy weapons type situations. | ||
| My daughter killed me. | ||
| She killed me in a one-on-one combat with swords. | ||
| You let her, didn't you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit. | |
| Right. | ||
| But it was fun. | ||
| They're fun games, man. | ||
| You just imagine what it's going to be like, you know, doing something where you really can't distinguish. | ||
| Like, it's fun. | ||
| You're seeing it all. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| The video's wild. | ||
| You feel it. | ||
| Like, your chest vibrates when you get hit. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| But imagine what it's going to be like when you can't distinguish it between this and reality. | ||
| And you get to fuck the thing. | ||
| You're fighting. | ||
| That's going to happen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| That's next. | ||
| Oh, that's coming. | ||
| The moment they could figure out how to do that, like with this Elon Musk neural link where they're doing that, the moment they could figure out how to tap into your senses to make you really feel like you're having sex with, like, you know, Tara Patrick in her prime. | ||
| You know what I'm talking? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Some super hot... | ||
| What's up, Jamie? | ||
| You gotta watch that one Black Mirror episode. | ||
| We were gonna watch it that one day, and I was like, you should watch this at another time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But, like... | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They set up this scenario where it is, it's two guys playing virtual reality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One's a guy, one's a girl. | |
| And they fuck each other. | ||
| And they end up realizing they can fuck each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| And that, like, causes this whole fucking chaos of problems. | ||
| They both have girlfriend or wives, whatever the fuck. | ||
| And they wind up banging each other? | ||
| And they're like, who's going to be the girl, though? | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| That would be the real question, right? | ||
| That's the reason I want to go on living. | ||
| i want bridget bardo and me and uh sophia loren back in the day in 66 yeah oh my god yeah back when ferraris had skinny tires the old days the old days people didn't know anything what are you what are you driving now joe i got a lot of cars a lot of different stuff How many? | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You know, I got the 56 Corvette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| If it would have been raining, I was going to drive it up here so you could see it. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have that one, that 65. That 65 is prettier than mine. | ||
| That's a crazy car, man. | ||
| That's the car that I drive around where I can't believe it's mine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't believe that's really my car. | ||
| Yeah, when you bring that up. | ||
| Because, you know, the parking lot at the comedy store is a shit show. | ||
| But it's a shit show between ultra-successful comedians who have great cars and guys that haven't had a Netflix special yet. | ||
| But as soon as they do get one, they get a car, right? | ||
| And then you got, you know... | ||
| It was never like that, you know. | ||
| Like, that place is filled with, like, millions of dollars in cars now. | ||
| Or at least it was before the lockdown. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| The old days... | ||
| It was half the parking lot, you know? | ||
| Because you had some really successful comics up there and then some great comics that hadn't hit it yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All doing shows. | ||
| But we were there the other day. | ||
| There was a Ferrari, three Porsches, a Lamborghini. | ||
| I was like, this is the craziest parking lot I've ever seen. | ||
| Like, Russell Peters' Lamborghini truck was there. | ||
| And I was like, this is madness. | ||
| I mean, when it was rocking, you know, I mean, when I say this like the old days, but it was really only seven months ago. | ||
| Right, seven months ago, rocking. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| Fun as fuck. | ||
| We were in the golden years. | ||
| We really was. | ||
| As far as comedy goes, I've been there since 94. Never been anything like it is now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because the internet energized it. | ||
| That's because of your podcast and Maren's podcast and all the people that feed it are also working there every single night of the week that they weren't touring. | ||
| And, you know, it bred a place to go have fun. | ||
| And I think it all stems from them... | ||
| Their intrinsic nature was always to embrace stand-up comedy, and it didn't matter about your insanity. | ||
| So if you wanted to be crazy, come be crazy here at the Comedy Store. | ||
| And smoke pot right here, you have our own bar right here, and you can snort cocaine off of this piano-shaped fucking thing in the dressing room of the main room. | ||
| It's a mirror. | ||
| A mirror. | ||
| A little piano made out of mirrors that was built for prior to do blow-off of, and then many people followed in his footsteps. | ||
| But they've embraced that, and it made it fun, and it made comics feel important. | ||
| If you want to smoke pot at the improv, you have to go stand on Melrose Avenue and smoke it in traffic, because they didn't care like they did it. | ||
| They didn't understand it the same way they did at the comedy show. | ||
| The improv changed a little bit over the years. | ||
| Well, they have a new club up there now, but I haven't been in it since it was finished. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something about the store where they realize that the comedians are why the people are there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whereas other clubs... | ||
| That's why the comics park right next to the door and you park wherever the fuck you can. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're going to get something that you didn't even pay for when you walk in here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to see Rogan and Cummings and all the best comics in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz. | |
| Joey Diaz just rocking the fucking place. | ||
| Diaz moved to New Jersey. | ||
| I talked to him about it, man. | ||
| He's one of the guys that checks up on me. | ||
| I get a call once a month or every month and a half or whatever from Diaz. | ||
| Ron White is Joe Diaz. | ||
| How are you, cocksucker? | ||
| Just checking in on you. | ||
| And you feel like he's doing it because he gives a shit. | ||
| He does. | ||
| We were talking about it. | ||
| I was like, come to Austin with us. | ||
| This is what's going to happen. | ||
| If I'd have known about the ranch and the two acres, and a mule. | ||
| Do we get a mule? | ||
| I'll give you a mule. | ||
| This is what's going to happen. | ||
| Joey Diaz is going to go through one New Jersey winter. | ||
| You've got to realize, Joey's been out there with us since 96. He doesn't know what winter is anymore. | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| He's going to go through one of those shitty New Jersey winters, and then I'm going to call him up in April. | ||
| Ready, too. | ||
| I'm going to invite Joe Diaz. | ||
| A mule? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Joe Diaz's Spotify money. | ||
| He's burning a hole in my pocket. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Come on out here. | ||
| I'll sponsor you. | ||
| Let's make something happen. | ||
| I got a club going on. | ||
| I want you to do a residency. | ||
| Let's get rolling. | ||
| Come out here. | ||
| And he'll do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I hope so. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| Call him on a really bad day. | ||
| I might have to fly out there and bend the knee. | ||
| I'll fly up there with you. | ||
| We'll get them together. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I'll do whatever I can do. | ||
| I'm accepting the fact, because there's no comedy right now, I'm accepting the fact that he went to New Jersey. | ||
| But I'm only accepting it temporarily. | ||
| If you looked at my brain, like if my brain was a circle, like a pie, there'd be like a 15% sliver. | ||
| Get Joey Diaz out of New Jersey. | ||
| That's like 15% of my brain. | ||
| 15%? | ||
| It's in there, man. | ||
| Listen, he's a big factor in all this and in the store and in my career and in comedy and podcasting in general. | ||
| He's a big factor because he's the party. | ||
| When Joey Diaz, and especially me and him together, Because he knows what a fan I am of his. | ||
| So when I'm in the room with him, he knows how much I love him and he can just be free. | ||
| He can be wild and he knows that I think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived. | ||
| So when he's rocking and rolling and I'm in the room and I'm dying laughing, I'm the best audience ever because I love him. | ||
| He's such a unique person. | ||
| He's so unique. | ||
| I don't know anybody like him. | ||
| He's so wild and crazy and his stories are so ridiculous. | ||
| He's just such a crazy person, but a good person, too. | ||
| He's a really good guy. | ||
| He's genuinely sweet. | ||
| I mean, he calls to check on me. | ||
| Who would call to check on me? | ||
| He does that to everybody. | ||
| I assume he does. | ||
| I mean, I assume he wouldn't just be checking on me. | ||
| No, he's amazing. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| I love him to death. | ||
| He's got this thing. | ||
| He came from Jersey. | ||
| He wants to go back to Jersey. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Let me get that out of your system. | ||
| Do one winter there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm gonna take a picture on a canoe, like on Lady Bird Lake, kicking back with like a margarita, going, Joey, what are you doing? | ||
| You digging yourself out of your fucking driveway? | ||
| Come to Texas! | ||
| Come to Texas, Joey! | ||
| We got a club! | ||
| I can't do anything until I open up the club. | ||
| And once I open up the club, then I'm going to start calling people. | ||
| But Tim Dillon, he's going to come out here. | ||
| Hinchcliffe wants to move out here. | ||
| Red Ben wants to move out here. | ||
| We're going to get a bunch of them out here. | ||
| And once we have a club, then we'll put up the bat signal. | ||
| My goal for a club is not to make any money. | ||
| My goal is to break even and have everybody paid well. | ||
| It's just like, let's establish a community and let's do a thing in Austin like we were doing in LA where we're basically just working on the art and having an awesome place where people can come to see great comics, fuck around and work on material. | ||
| And because of the podcasts and because of us talking about on the podcast, I think they understood what the store was for. | ||
| They understood that it was our hub. | ||
| It was our home and that we all come with a guy like you and a guy like me. | ||
| We don't necessarily work together. | ||
| You work at your places and then I work at my places and the only time we get together is at a club where we're working on material. | ||
| Because you're headlining in these big fucking places, and I'm going off of these other places, and we need a place where it's like a hub, like a home base. | ||
| And that's what the store was for us. | ||
| But I think that's created because of comics. | ||
| That's the reason... | ||
| When I played the store, or the factory, or the improv, when I played all of them, or Pasadena, Ice House, I would never ever let anybody come with me. | ||
| Not whatever woman I was with, not any friends that I had, I would not let anybody go with me to those shows. | ||
| Because I didn't want to worry about them. | ||
| I wanted to go there and be a part of the comedy community. | ||
| And not to be bothered by anything else. | ||
| Let this be my time to recharge, relax. | ||
| Talk to people who have chosen the same exact path I've chosen in life. | ||
| And those are rare, but they're gathered. | ||
| And we have access to them. | ||
| And that's why I live so close to there. | ||
| I live a mile and a half, I guess, from the store. | ||
| If I didn't have kids, I'd live right next door to that place. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, you could have had another room. | ||
| And that's what was so precious in drawing to me about it, is that I got to go talk stand-up comedy, tell jokes, laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. | ||
| Just being around comics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, I always kept it to myself. | ||
| You know, that was always my thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not me bringing people to see me or my manager. | ||
| Fuck you, dude. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| You come see me at a big show when I'm not trying new shit, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I know. | ||
| Because if I'm eating it on stage and I have a friend in the audience, they feel horrible. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| It's not me that feels bad. | ||
| It's them. | ||
| And I feel bad for them feeling bad. | ||
| I'm like, sorry. | ||
| Fuck, I knew it wasn't going to work. | ||
| I've had the same manager since I was an open-miker. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, my manager found me. | ||
| In Boston in 1991. I was basically just scratching out a living. | ||
| I would get a few paid gigs, but I was basically a beginner. | ||
| I'd get paid gigs every now and again. | ||
| Were you still shooting pool for money? | ||
| No, I started doing that after I tore my ACL. I hurt my knee, and I had to rehab my knee, and I had to get knee surgery, and I was hanging out with my friend John, and we would go to this executive billiards in White Plains, New York, because I'd moved to New York to do stand-up because I met my manager in Boston. | ||
| He flew me out to New York, or brought me out to New York, and I lived there from then on. | ||
| And I would go to this... | ||
| Pool Hall. | ||
| And I started seeing, I got just stumbled into it. | ||
| Just blind luck. | ||
| It was a pool hall where there was a lot of gambling. | ||
| Like high stakes game. | ||
| I saw $10,000 pool games. | ||
| Wow, how fun. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| Wild shit. | ||
| People gambling and betting money and yelling. | ||
| It was back in the day when you could smoke. | ||
| So the whole place is filled with smoke. | ||
| And it was like a different kind of deviance. | ||
| That was real similar to the deviants that I had experienced with comics and also the deviants that I experienced with fighters. | ||
| I grew up in martial arts. | ||
| I grew up around fighters. | ||
| And they were a different kind of deviant. | ||
| And then I'm around these pool hall deviants. | ||
| I realized there's a bunch of different clusters of people that didn't accept the society standards. | ||
| They're like, I don't want to live like that. | ||
| I don't want to do what these people are asking me to do. | ||
| I want to live in a free way. | ||
| I want to be vagabonds. | ||
| I met a lot of homeless people that I became friends with. | ||
| I had homeless guys who would sleep on my couch in my apartment, guys who were just pool hustlers. | ||
| They didn't have anywhere to stay. | ||
| They would sleep underneath the tables at Chelsea Billiards in New York because it was a 24-hour place. | ||
| So when your manager found you, what were you doing? | ||
| I was driving limos. | ||
| I had quit fighting by then, and I had quit even teaching. | ||
| So I was teaching at Boston University. | ||
| I taught an accredited class in Taekwondo at Boston University. | ||
| That was when I won the US Open. | ||
| I had won a bunch of different national and regional Taekwondo tournaments. | ||
| I was basically a Taekwondo instructor and fighting, and I was trying to make the Olympic team. | ||
| But along the way, I started kickboxing, and I realized that Taekwondo had all these fucking holes in it. | ||
| And then I realized that kickboxing was giving me brain damage. | ||
| So I was sparring a lot, and I was getting a lot of headaches, and I was like, I think I might be wrecking my brain. | ||
| And then I quit doing stand-up, or I quit fighting, rather, and I started doing stand-up. | ||
| And I took on all these other jobs because I didn't want to shortchange my students. | ||
| So I stopped teaching because I just wasn't into it like I was before. | ||
| I was obsessed with stand-up. | ||
| So I quit my school. | ||
| I quit teaching at BU. And I was driving limos and I was working for a private investigator. | ||
| I was driving him around. | ||
| He lost his license in the DUI. To this day, one of the funniest people I ever met. | ||
| Dynamite dickless Dave Dolan. | ||
| He was one of the funniest fucking dudes I ever met in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER That's what he called himself. | |
| He would call me up. | ||
| He'd go, Smokin' Joe! | ||
| It's Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan! | ||
| He remained my friend until the day he died. | ||
| He died a few years back of cancer, unfortunately. | ||
| But he remained my friend to the day... | ||
| Well, actually, he had a bunch of medical issues. | ||
| He had a stroke. | ||
| A lot of shit went bad. | ||
| Great dude. | ||
| But remained friends with him to the day he died. | ||
| But he was literally one of the funniest people I've ever met that never did stand-up. | ||
| And what's funny is, his cousin was Bill Downs, who was one of the owners of the Comedy Connection. | ||
| Just randomly, I answered an ad. | ||
| We're talking about 1988. I answered an ad in the newspaper. | ||
| Someone was looking for an assistant for a private investigator. | ||
| I was like, whew, that's a good job. | ||
| I'm going to be an assistant to a private investigator. | ||
| That sounds exciting. | ||
| But really, he needed a driver because he lost his license on a DUI. So I was driving Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan around, and we would catch people. | ||
| It was mostly insurance scams, mostly people that were getting disability insurance and they were still working on the side. | ||
| We'd catch them doing that. | ||
| But occasionally it was like some guy, there was one guy that Dave was following around. | ||
| One guy, he had this wife that just kept fucking this bodybuilder. | ||
| And Dave would get pictures of this guy plowing this girl. | ||
| And the guy was like, okay, well, keep following her. | ||
| He's like, hey, you sick fuck. | ||
| He goes, I gave you the pictures. | ||
| He goes, I'm not fucking. | ||
| He goes, this guy wants pictures. | ||
| He wants the pictures. | ||
| He's asking me to keep following. | ||
| I got pictures of this guy fucking your wife. | ||
| We're done. | ||
| We're done, buddy! | ||
| You had to meet the guy. | ||
| I mean, he was such a Boston, like an Irish Boston character. | ||
| And he was a private investigator. | ||
| Never wanted to do anything else. | ||
| He loved it. | ||
| Loved it. | ||
| Loved catching people. | ||
| Yeah, there was a guy at my golf club in Atlanta that was a private investigator. | ||
| And our assistant pro ended up going to work for him. | ||
| We had these two really big guys, both named Jason. | ||
| They were the two Jasons. | ||
| And one of them ended up being Colt Ford. | ||
| You know who that is? | ||
| Colt Ford? | ||
| Sounds like a character in a Tom Selleck movie. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He was a country rapper. | ||
| And when he... He's teaching me how to hit... | ||
| That's Cole Ford. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He looks like Ollie Joe Prater. | ||
| He told me We're hitting balls, and he had a PGA Tour card for eight years. | ||
| He's an amazing guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And his show is fantastic, and people love it. | ||
| He's got an Affliction shirt on. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's a few pictures of me out there with those on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very unfortunate. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| But I'm hitting balls. | ||
| He's working on my game. | ||
| And he goes, I'm really a rapper. | ||
| And I was like, can I get a check, please? | ||
| It was one of those other... | ||
| I have a lot of, can I get a check, please, moments in my life. | ||
| And never really spoke to him again on a serious level. | ||
| But I was going to do The Tonight Show, and I knew that... | ||
| Oh, God damn, I can't believe it. | ||
| I can't think of his name. | ||
| My brain's been just skipping so bad today. | ||
| But anyway... | ||
| Who was it that was on that show? | ||
| One of the biggest rappers. | ||
| Kid Rock? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Nas. | ||
| Black Guy, Been Around Forever. | ||
| Run DMC. Corn Rose. | ||
| Old Dirty Bastard. | ||
| No, fuck. | ||
| Corn Rose. | ||
| Been Around... | ||
| Jamie? | ||
| I'm looking, hold on a second. | ||
| You follow Black Twitter. | ||
| Help us out. | ||
| No, more famous than you can even imagine. | ||
| Lil Wayne, something like that? | ||
| No, even more famous than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could find the day you're on. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| More famous than Lil Wayne? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Kendrick Lamar? | ||
| Snoop Dogg. | ||
| Snoop Dogg, right. | ||
| Jesus Christ, you couldn't remember Snoop Dogg? | ||
| Fuck, I know. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I thought it was like something obscure. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I told you it wasn't. | ||
| I said famous. | ||
| More famous than you can imagine. | ||
| Snoop Dogg. | ||
| Well, that's about as famous as you can imagine. | ||
| So he gave me a CD and he said, could you just give this to Snoop Dogg? | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| As I put it in my pocket. | ||
| And I didn't, of course. | ||
| But my wife at the time, she was a 4.7 million wife. | ||
| LAUGHTER I said, it's really good. | ||
| She listened to it. | ||
| I never did. | ||
| And the next time I see him, he's on the cover of Polestar magazine. | ||
| And I'm like, really? | ||
| And so he would tour with these big country acts because he could teach them how to play golf. | ||
| And the crowds loved his fucking country rap. | ||
| And then a lot of these guys started implementing that in their songs, and it was all because of him. | ||
| And then he wrote some huge hits for other artists that had a rap country background to them. | ||
| Well, he created it. | ||
| And he ended up making a lot of money, but he was the pro. | ||
| Why was I telling you the story to begin with? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Rapper. | ||
| Rapper. | ||
| Golf? | ||
| No, we had passed golf. | ||
| There's no way you could figure it out if I can't figure it out, because I was the one going there. | ||
| Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Private Investigator. | ||
| Private Investigator. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it was the other Jason. | ||
| It was the Private Investigator. | ||
| There were just two. | ||
| But one of them ended up being a... | ||
| Really, you know, really good-sized country act that made a lot of money in publishing. | ||
| And that was him. | ||
| And he was my assistant pro. | ||
| He still plays in all the Pebble Beach, AT&T stuff with Larry the Cable. | ||
| That's pretty wild. | ||
| Someone would be that good. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| And he was, apparently. | ||
| I didn't give it a chance, you know. | ||
| And even to this day, I've never really... | ||
| Golf is one of those games where you can be ranked number 20th and be a multi-multi-millionaire. | ||
| Oh yeah, ridiculous. | ||
| Just balling out of control. | ||
| Most people don't even know who you are. | ||
| Yeah, the Eastlake's going on today, so the guy that wins this week, the prize purse is $15 million. | ||
| Where's that at? | ||
| Eastlake in Atlanta, Georgia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You're saying it like I know. | ||
| Well, I'm saying it like I'm just telling you. | ||
| Eastlake. | ||
| Yeah, Eastlake. | ||
| Well, you know, okay. | ||
| Well, okay. | ||
| I'll give you that. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| I'm a professional sports commentator. | ||
| That's one of my side gigs. | ||
| And I don't even know the rules to most sports. | ||
| Yeah, you know, that's the weird thing is that people just think of you as famous. | ||
| I mean, my son was a huge Fear Factor fan the first, and then you came back and did Fear Factor. | ||
| We were just talking about it. | ||
| But a lot of people don't know you do the other thing, right? | ||
| Oh, the guy from MMA. But most people... | ||
| I would venture to say, don't know you do stand-up more than they know you do other things. | ||
| I just do so many things. | ||
| Of course, you're more famous. | ||
| The podcast is probably the most famous thing I'm for now. | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| Now, because it's gotten to this weird place. | ||
| Yeah, I do a lot of shit. | ||
| But I tell people, they're like, is he good? | ||
| I'm like, Rogan? | ||
| As a comic? | ||
| Because I only see you as a comic. | ||
| I don't see you as the voice of M.A. I don't see you as anything but a comedian. | ||
| Because that's what I watch you do. | ||
| I'll watch a fight, and I love it, if you're a comic. | ||
| If you're not... | ||
| It's not that interesting. | ||
| And we were talking about that earlier. | ||
| If Rogan doesn't say it, it's not worth saying. | ||
| Didn't he get heard in MAA? MAA. Mixed Marshall, MMA. I don't know. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I'm telling you, I just don't know that much about it. | ||
| Like you don't know much about golf. | ||
| I don't know anything about golf. | ||
| All I know about Joe, the comic I watch go on stage at the store, And just ripped the gut out of these crowds. | ||
| And it's so much fun to watch that I don't really think about the rest of it. | ||
| Like I said, the first time I did your podcast, I had no idea. | ||
| Well, I like doing a lot of different things. | ||
| I don't think I'd be the same person. | ||
| I think I have a unique mental illness that I need to be constantly stimulated with different challenging things. | ||
| And if I'm not, then I make problems for myself. | ||
| Then addictions and weirdness. | ||
| I'm the person that needs to... | ||
| I need to have challenges all the time. | ||
| I need to have puzzles. | ||
| I need to have things to solve. | ||
| I need to have stuff to do. | ||
| That's my unique mental illness. | ||
| When someone says, why do you do so many things? | ||
| Because I like being happy. | ||
| I like being sane. | ||
| I just figured it out over time in my life that if I don't have things that challenge me, like if I don't get up early and work out, if I don't do something that's hard to do, I'm not the guy. | ||
| I can't sit around. | ||
| See, none of that shit bothers me. | ||
| I can wake up with nothing to do every day. | ||
| That's why I've settled into this retirement. | ||
| I've got to tell you, I've not hated the last six months of my life when I had nothing to do at all. | ||
| This is the first thing I had scheduled to do in a half a year. | ||
| And I was a little resentful of it this morning. | ||
| It was raining. | ||
| I'm like, I've got to go do something. | ||
| I've got to go do something. | ||
| That's the first time I made a commitment. | ||
| So if I tell you I'll do it, of course I'll do it. | ||
| I'll get there early. | ||
| You were here. | ||
| Yeah, days early. | ||
| A week. | ||
| But outside of that, I've enjoyed this time off. | ||
| But I'm also older. | ||
| I'm older and I'm at a retiring age that I've kind of settled into it going, this is not that bad. | ||
| My wife taught me how to go on vacations. | ||
| I wasn't good at it. | ||
| I needed to learn how to just accept the fact that I was just not going to do anything and just have fun and be on the beach and just drink and just relax and just swim and do whatever the fuck you do on beaches. | ||
| But I've gotten good at it now. | ||
| Apparently I'm better at it than you. | ||
| I'm better at it now. | ||
| I'm a beginner. | ||
| I used to think of it as like losing time. | ||
| I see some pictures of you and McGraw out in Cabo with no shirts on going, what the fuck's going on here? | ||
| Having fun. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I learned how to relax. | ||
| I used to think that if I took time off, I was losing progress. | ||
| This is how psycho I am. | ||
| I'm like, I'm losing. | ||
| I'm losing. | ||
| I'm going to get out of shape. | ||
| My martial arts is going to slip. | ||
| My comedy is going to slip. | ||
| I'm not going to be doing podcasts. | ||
| That's going to slip. | ||
| I had this sickness that way. | ||
| Then I realized... | ||
| The happier and the healthier I am as a person, the better I am at all those other things. | ||
| So the more time I'm hanging out and just having fun, if I can do that and just recharge, then when I come back, I'm better. | ||
| So every time I've come back from a vacation, I've been more enthusiastic. | ||
| When I'm more enthusiastic, I'm always better at everything I do because there's more positive energy, more appreciation, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's how I look at it. | ||
| So I haven't hated this time off. | ||
| I don't like what's going on with the country. | ||
| I hate what's going on with the country. | ||
| I miss the days when people could just disagree. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I miss those days. | ||
| Isn't that the truth? | ||
| I miss those days. | ||
| Where we can all go privately into a voting booth. | ||
| Vote for who we vote for. | ||
| And the next day we wake up and see who's president. | ||
| And no fight was necessary. | ||
| We all did what we were put here to do, which was to go vote. | ||
| And after that you just accept it and go on. | ||
| Change what you can if you can. | ||
| If you can't, just fucking go on with it. | ||
| I haven't hated it either. | ||
| But also, like you, I'm probably a little further along in life that I'm like, I really feel like I did so much of it. | ||
| Maybe that was enough. | ||
| But if you're going to build a fucking ranch and I get two acres and a mule and a motherfucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll give you two mules. | |
| Two mules, four acres. | ||
| You heard it. | ||
| Write it down. | ||
| Everybody write it down. | ||
| Four acres. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| We'll make it happen. | ||
| I want a plow with a seat on it. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| I want a plow with a seat. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| The idea is just to do something crazy and have fun. | ||
| And I've already done that by moving out here. | ||
| And just packing up. | ||
| That was a bizarre move, dude. | ||
| That was a bizarre move. | ||
| I like bizarre moves. | ||
| Don't let Joe think he can't still surprise you. | ||
| I like doing things you're not supposed to do. | ||
| I like doing things like this. | ||
| Just fucking pack up the whole thing and doing it right when we're moving to Spotify. | ||
| So it's this big crazy deal and then there's all this controversy behind that. | ||
| Looks like a tax dodge. | ||
| There's a little bit of that, for sure. | ||
| I definitely don't like paying that much in taxes. | ||
| I can't tell you how surprised and thrilled I was to hear you were going to move to Austin and be my neighbor, because I'm out of LA. I'm selling the house and Beverly Hills. | ||
| And I'm like, oh good, this is going to work out fine. | ||
| We're going to have fun out here, man. | ||
| We can have a lot of fun out here. | ||
| I really think so. | ||
| I like your vision of the Austin comedy scene to come. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| There's also a lot of really good stand-up comics in Austin. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Always have been. | ||
| And they flourish at these open mic nights. | ||
| And I know that they're listening to this conversation right now going... | ||
| I want to help them. | ||
| I want to get my five years in and get my acres in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I really do. | ||
| I want to help them. | ||
| I want to help them the way I've tried to help a lot of up-and-coming comics in LA. Get them on the podcast. | ||
| Promote them. | ||
| The idea is, if we open up a club, when we open up a club, I should say, is to have these local guys come in. | ||
| Pump them up. | ||
| Let people know. | ||
| Let people know there's a real scene here. | ||
| Oh, they're there. | ||
| Yeah, and help them. | ||
| Help them flourish. | ||
| Not just Austin Comics, but everywhere. | ||
| You know, bring them into this place and have this be a hub. | ||
| The only reason why LA is a hub is because of A, the Comedy Store, and B, Hollywood. | ||
| And I came to Hollywood because I had a TV deal, but really what I wanted was to be at the store. | ||
| That was mecca to me. | ||
| I had heard about it when I was in Boston, but when I came to the Comedy Store in 94, it was a shithole. | ||
| I mean, the comics are terrible. | ||
| Every now and then, Martin Lawrence would show up, or Damon Wayans, or Dom Herrera, or Dice Clay. | ||
| But for the most part, it was a lot of bodacks. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| There was a lot of people that just had old, terrible jokes. | ||
| I was like, this is the store? | ||
| It was very disappointing. | ||
| But the place itself drew people. | ||
| It drew people there. | ||
| You knew that that was the place where the real comics went, and they made a career out of it. | ||
| But this world is different now. | ||
| For a comic, if you get a television show, it's actually like, oh, you poor bastard. | ||
| You could have had a podcast. | ||
| You could have been okay. | ||
| You could have been your own boss. | ||
| And now a lot of comics are realizing they don't even want ads anymore. | ||
| They just want to do Patreon. | ||
| They want to just have podcasts and put them out either for free and get YouTube ads. | ||
| There's a lot of people trying to figure out what's the best way to be free. | ||
| But for sure the best way to be free is not to be connected to the Hollywood machine. | ||
| Because the Hollywood machine is all woke now and it's completely ridiculous and everyone's full of shit. | ||
| We're not actors, man. | ||
| We're different things. | ||
| You know, it's cats and dogs living together. | ||
| We're fucking different things. | ||
| You know, we can act. | ||
| We can do it. | ||
| We both have. | ||
| But the reality is you're a comic. | ||
| I'm a stand-up comedian. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I am as well. | ||
| And there's a lot of us. | ||
| There's a lot of us. | ||
| And we don't need that machine. | ||
| What we need is a machine that we create ourselves. | ||
| And we did that a lot. | ||
| One of the reasons why the store worked so well over the last few years is because it was fueled by podcasts. | ||
| Yep, fueled by podcasts. | ||
| And fueled by everybody. | ||
| I would tell people, hey, you've got to see this kid Frank Castillo. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe, this guy's coming up. | ||
| Joey Diaz, the funniest guy ever. | ||
| Ron White's the baddest motherfucker that ever lived. | ||
| All these people. | ||
| And we would all talk about these people and tell these crazy stories. | ||
| And then everybody would remember and then they would come. | ||
| They had international tourism to the comedy store. | ||
| People were flying in from Ireland and Australia. | ||
| And they should have been. | ||
| And they should have been. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because that's how good those shows were. | ||
| They would come in on a Tuesday and see one of the craziest lineups you've ever seen in your fucking life. | ||
| Yeah, when I was in one, and you've got a million of these stories, and it was you and Louis C.K. and Bill Burr and... | ||
| Madness! | ||
| And me and... | ||
| It was just crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz. | |
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Madness. | ||
| Just fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Madness. | |
| In one show for $14? | ||
| That's madness! | ||
| Do you know how much it would cost to put on that show out at the ranch? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| We're doing it for charity at the ranch. | ||
| Charity. | ||
| The idea is to do something at the ranch where you build a theater, do concerts for charity, and then have a club in town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| A satellite club! | ||
| A lot of these places on 6th Street are going to go under, unfortunately. | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| There's a lot of places that are going to go under because no one can work. | ||
| I would love it if they all stayed open, but some of them are not going to be able to, and so we'll scoop one of those up. | ||
| Yeah, there's going to be opportunities for you to put something in this town that'll matter. | ||
| And let me make a promise to you, my brother. | ||
| I'll be there to support it, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Even if I don't tour anymore, I'll come do the club. | ||
| Isn't this exciting talking about this? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You know, fuck it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it is. | |
| It's exciting, right? | ||
| Yes, that's why I'm here. | ||
| I like exciting things. | ||
| All the things I'm interested in are exciting. | ||
| I like bow hunting. | ||
| I like stand-up comedy. | ||
| I like fighting. | ||
| All these things are exciting things. | ||
| I like exciting things. | ||
| And I think I can do something here that's exciting. | ||
| I like smoking pot and watching cartoons and doing stand-up. | ||
| I like smoking pot and freaking out. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| I like getting nervous. | ||
| I do. | ||
| One of my favorite things about smoking pot is being paranoid. | ||
| The thing that people get terrified of and they run away from, it's one of my favorite parts of being high. | ||
| I was nervous about coming and doing this show today. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I was telling my son, I said, I don't know. | ||
| I haven't felt nervous. | ||
| I can walk on stage at Radio City Music Hall. | ||
| It doesn't... | ||
| Flutter my butt, and it's what I do, and I'm ready to do it, prepared to do it. | ||
| And I haven't even thought about interacting with anybody for half a fucking year, you know? | ||
| And so, you know, it's your new place, and you're in town. | ||
| But he goes, Daddy's your friend. | ||
| He'll pull you right on through to the other side, which, of course, you know. | ||
| We did. | ||
| We already threw the other side. | ||
| It's already 315. We're beautiful. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| We're COVID tested? | ||
| You're clean as fuck? | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| The funny thing is that I took the antibody test and then the nose swab. | ||
| And so the antibody test said, you've never had it, but you might have it. | ||
| So I had to do the nose swab. | ||
| So I went over two days. | ||
| But the nose swab, the thing about the antibody test is there's two indicators. | ||
| One of them is whether or not your body is currently fighting the virus. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So one is whether or not you beat the virus, and one whether you're currently fighting the virus. | ||
| So you know you're not currently fighting the virus. | ||
| I feel good. | ||
| So according to the doctors, a very low possibility that you have it, and then we eliminate that with the swab. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But not before you and I hug. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I take vitamin D. I'll give you a hug. | ||
| You can be coughing. | ||
| I'll give you a hug. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I've been coughing a little bit. | ||
| I'll just quarantine myself for a couple weeks and eat vitamin D gummies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Tell me which vitamin D you want me to take. | ||
| I just want you to take 5,000 IUs a day minimum. | ||
| That's what you should be taking. | ||
| It's not that much. | ||
| I have these vitamin D gummies that I chew all the time. | ||
| I think you take three of them. | ||
| It's 5,000 IUs. | ||
| It's not a big deal. | ||
| They're small gummies. | ||
| They taste good. | ||
| It's easy to do. | ||
| Is there any carbs in them because I'm watching my carbs? | ||
| There's probably like one gram of carbs. | ||
| No, they're probably gelatin. | ||
| That's horse hoof, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's basically fingernails and hair. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| Protein. | ||
| Collagen. | ||
| Yeah, not bad for you. | ||
| So, I mean, a good relationship. | ||
| I really like you. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| We'll go out to eat one day next week. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Because you're always in these train wrecks. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She's really, really pretty. | ||
| She's my age. | ||
| I think that's important. | ||
| Yeah, I've never chased young women, right? | ||
| It's too much work. | ||
| It's too much work. | ||
| But she came down, we started hanging out in the COVID thing, but we'd seen each other before. | ||
| And one night we'd go out to Eddie V's and we had this really nice table. | ||
| Eddie V's is great. | ||
| Oh, I love it. | ||
| Yeah, I love Eddie V's. | ||
| That's a great old school place. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| So we have this really cool table in the bar that seats two people. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| I'll show you the seat. | ||
| You'll take your wife there on a big night. | ||
| And she's got a long black dress. | ||
| I'm wearing a jacket. | ||
| We go back to my condo, which is a really nice penthouse with these gorgeous views. | ||
| Her son was a grappler. | ||
| And her grandson is a grappler. | ||
| And she was a gymnast. | ||
| And she said, for whatever reason... | ||
| She wanted to fight? | ||
| I think I can take you down. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And of course... | ||
| That's how you break a hip. | ||
| I laughed so hard that I couldn't... | ||
| She probably could have taken me down because she's 5'1". | ||
| She's a gymnast, right? | ||
| She's a little bitty. | ||
| And I said, no, I would never ever hurt you for any reason, so if you want to come beat me up, come beat me up. | ||
| But if I didn't care about hurting you, I could throw you into that table because you're little and I'm big, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Then she attacked me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| And she did. | ||
| She came at me, shoved me back. | ||
| And I mean, a gymnast that does uneven parallel bars? | ||
| Strong. | ||
| Like a chimp. | ||
| Like a fucking chimp monkey. | ||
| She was on me, in my center, legs spread, fucking pushing me back. | ||
| And I was like, from now on, I'm only going to fuck women I could kill. | ||
| That's all I'm going to do. | ||
| I'm going to say, let's determine whether or not I can... | ||
| I'm never going to do it right. | ||
| I would never hurt a woman. | ||
| But I would like to have the option, if they went nuts and just jumped my ass, to be able to fucking beat it off and live and provide and all those things that a man needs to do. | ||
| I got a buddy of mine who got obsessed with jiu-jitsu when he dated a girl who was a black belt. | ||
| And they sparred and she tapped him easily. | ||
| And he was like, what the fuck? | ||
| So he became obsessed with it. | ||
| Because his girlfriend fucked him up. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Defending himself, right? | ||
| Well, jiu-jitsu is one of the rare martial arts where a woman really can kill you. | ||
| Like, 100% legit. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's the same reason I don't have a pet lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just don't need it in my house. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I don't need it in my house. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| Don't take it the wrong way, ladies. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All those killer ladies out there are like, fuck! | ||
| Right. | ||
| What? | ||
| What's wrong with me? | ||
| I thought I had them. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Planted on cornering them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, I know that you can still Sharon Bobbitt my ass, right? | ||
| You can still wait till I fall asleep. | ||
| Lorena. | ||
| Right, Lorena Bobbitt. | ||
| Was it Lorena? | ||
| Lorena Bobbitt. | ||
| Yeah, John Bobbitt and Lorena Bobbitt. | ||
| She cut off his dick. | ||
| Yeah, cut his dick off while he was sleeping. | ||
| And then he stitched it back on and did porn. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How good was that sewing job? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Like about how good I would sew it up. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It didn't look good? | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You guys go down the rabbit hole. | ||
| You look at the video. | ||
| I don't do any of that stuff. | ||
| I watch porn on my fucking iPad. | ||
| That's all I do. | ||
| I don't go any deeper than that. | ||
| This was pre-Viagra porn, too. | ||
| It didn't look that good to begin with. | ||
| No, and it never really got hard. | ||
| It was just a mess. | ||
| She sliced it off and threw it on the side of the road, and they had to wait a while before they found it. | ||
| And then they had to dust the dirt off of it. | ||
| Darkness. | ||
| Darkness. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I just don't need that in my life. | ||
| I don't need it in my life either. | ||
| But I've had it in my life. | ||
| I've seen a lot of things I shouldn't have seen. | ||
| But if someone sends me a link, I'm like, alright. | ||
| You're going in. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Let's see what's up. | ||
| Somebody was over the house. | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
| I was at the radio station in New York. | ||
| And the guy's showing me, he got a video of a guy fucking a snake. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Can I get a check? | ||
| Please! | ||
| Fucking a snake's mouth? | ||
| That's gonna be the name of my next album. | ||
| Like the mouth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Or the asshole? | ||
| No, the check... | ||
| The snake pussy. | ||
| He's got a big anaconda. | ||
| Okay, I'm sorry I even said it. | ||
| I'm sorry I've said it. | ||
| He's fucking a snake. | ||
| Can you pull that up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can. | |
| I'm sure I could. | ||
| Let's not show it, but let me just show you. | ||
| I guarantee you there's many people before him that have done the same thing. | ||
| People just go down the Q-hole, rat hole. | ||
| Yeah, they definitely do. | ||
| If you can name it, there's a guy who's fucked it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Blenders. | ||
| Guys that fuck blenders. | ||
| Yeah, I know, right. | ||
| Guys that fuck tables, chairs. | ||
| Right, that's why I hate those. | ||
| Bowling balls. | ||
| Anyway, that doesn't matter. | ||
| I'm not going to go there. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But that's the problem with the internet is you find out that, I mean, everybody knows someone who's a fucking moron, but you don't realize how many of them there are until you really go online and start searching. | ||
| You know, I was sitting in, I was having this place worked on, or I was staying down at the Van Zandt, has some people come up, comics that I've known for years. | ||
| And one of them starts telling me a story about Hillary Clinton and her pedophile ring. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| And this was probably three years ago. | ||
| And how the pedophiles, the far left, right, left wing, there's a pedophile thing. | ||
| And I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And it was early QAnon stuff. | ||
| It was those same conspiracy theories that are coming out now. | ||
| I was hearing those three years ago, and I thought it was just one person. | ||
| I mean, where'd you go to learn this behavior? | ||
| You know, all behaviors learned, right? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| We're all a product of our environment. | ||
| Like, what environment did you put yourself in that made you think that this is true? | ||
| When, you know, the other day, There were four of us playing golf, and all four phones hit an amber alert at the same second. | ||
| And everybody knew exactly what it is. | ||
| We picked it up, and I'm like, there's a missing kid somewhere. | ||
| And that's a beautiful fucking thing, right? | ||
| But now there's these pedophile rings and Tom Hanks is a... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I don't think the Tom Hanks thing is true. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people that are just really dumb and they get involved in conspiracy theories and they believe everything and there's a lot of people out there that are sowing misinformation and there's a bunch of Russian trolls and bot accounts and a lot of chaos and sowing seeds of doubt in our democracy and life in general and trying to tell you that All the elites are fucking lizard people that are running things behind closed doors with Satan. | ||
| But for sure, there's guys out there that have fucked a lot of young girls. | ||
| That's for sure. | ||
| And that's what that Epstein shit's all about. | ||
| And that's what's so spooky about it was that it's prominent politicians and scientists and celebrities and they all flew out to fuck Ireland. | ||
| And it's real. | ||
| And then when the guy's in custody... | ||
| With fucking security cameras and the whole deal, he hangs himself in a way that's physically impossible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and everybody's like, well, no more need for further investigation. | ||
| It's unnecessary. | ||
| If it was anybody else... | ||
| Involved in any other thing, and they died in that way, we would look deeply into it. | ||
| But they basically just tried to let it go, passing the news cycle to the point where no one's thinking about it anymore. | ||
| Well, you know, the interview that Prince, Andrew Wright, was there. | ||
| Did you see that interview when they were interviewing him? | ||
| And the reason he thought he could pull that off is because for years he's been royalty, right? | ||
| So everybody around him were just yes men. | ||
| So he's got footmen and whatever, and they're all going, oh, exactly right, sir. | ||
| Oh, no, I can't believe someone would make these kind of accusations against you. | ||
| That seems like perfectly normal behavior to me. | ||
| How are you? | ||
| But it turns out the news people weren't those people at all. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And how do you not see that coming, you idiot motherfucker? | ||
| Because he's an idiot motherfucker. | ||
| The only reason why he's in that position at all is because one of his uncles fucked one of his aunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And then there you are. | ||
| I mean, it's a bloodline thing. | ||
| It's not like an earned position because you've really worked really hard to get there. | ||
| You don't become a prince because you've... | ||
| Kicked ass. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You kicked Prince ass for years. | ||
| You didn't even get a PhD in princedom. | ||
| No, you just became a prince. | ||
| For your whole life, man. | ||
| Absolutely, sir. | ||
| How about that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's crazy that it's on the newsfeed Every fucking day. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| Everything they do. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| It's important to everyone. | ||
| They left the castle. | ||
| We have to go. | ||
| Why did they do it? | ||
| Are they crazy? | ||
| I can tell you why they did it. | ||
| They left the kingdom. | ||
| Because there's no way you could bring an outsider into that world and have them do anything. | ||
| Oh, they signed a megawatt Netflix deal. | ||
| I bet they did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Netflix. | |
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| Haven't you learned Netflix? | ||
| You've made some big boo-boos. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Netflix, if you're thinking about making decisions like this, call me up first. | ||
| Me? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm talking to Netflix. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I'll get them high, and I'll pull them aside and go, listen, this is not going to work. | ||
| You're going to spend a lot of money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No one gives a fuck. | ||
| It's not going to work. | ||
| Buy another Ron White special. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| What these people are is like, they're good for snippets in the news. | ||
| They're good for, you look in the Google News feed, like, what are they doing? | ||
| Oh, they're extradited from the kingdom? | ||
| No one cares about them anymore? | ||
| I think you're 100% wrong. | ||
| I think that people will watch this crap. | ||
| No matter how bad it is, if it's connected to this guy and this woman, people will watch it and they will continue to fucking go, oh my, look at the Kardashians. | ||
| You know, they're not a talent one in any of those people. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Did you watch her sex tape? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| You're talking all this shit. | ||
| Did you watch her sex tape? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, you should have. | ||
| Then you wouldn't be saying she doesn't have any talent. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| It was very good. | ||
| Oh, was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Enthusiastic. | ||
| Enthusiastic. | ||
| I watched that Paris Hilton lame little... | ||
| I think that family, all bullshit aside, no jokes, is the mother is very skillful in the way she's managed them. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Well, something's genius about it because nothing works better than this. | ||
| You know, I was doing a show at the Mirage, and they had that little Kardashian t-shirt shop right there. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| One of the ones you haven't even heard of was going to be there, and there was a line 300 yards long to get into this what's now a soap shop. | ||
| And I walked by that. | ||
| That's where I work. | ||
| I'm there 10 weekends a year, more than anybody. | ||
| And that's my place. | ||
| And I stay in a villa right back there. | ||
| And one day I walk in there, I'm just looking around the Kardashians to see what they got. | ||
| They got towels with Kim's likeness and stuff on it. | ||
| And they said, sir, you can't come in here with a beverage. | ||
| I'm like, when do you think I'm going to spill a Coke on your towel? | ||
| Okay, I think you can probably... | ||
| But anyway, they made me leave and... | ||
| They fucking made me leave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They made me leave. | |
| Quite frankly. | ||
| Well, they've figured out a way to keep people interested and keep people talking about them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just got through doing it. | ||
| That's how good they are. | ||
| I just got through doing it. | ||
| Yeah, we're helping them. | ||
| But here's the thing about Kim. | ||
| She's done some legitimate, amazing work in getting people out of jail that were wrongly accused. | ||
| That's why I don't make fun of her anymore, except that thing I said about her sex tape. | ||
| But other than that... | ||
| I thought you were saying something really nice about her sex tape. | ||
| You weren't dissonant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| You were saying that she can go at it. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| But she's really done a lot of legitimate good to help people get released from prison that were wrongly accused. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| The problem that I have is sometimes I talk about things and I don't know jack shit about them. | ||
| I just make up a... | ||
| Funny thing to say in my head. | ||
| And then later I end up going, well, fuck, really? | ||
| I didn't know she did that. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| But I did. | ||
| I saw the woman that she helped get out of prison, and I thought that was a... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've had a couple guys from the Innocence Project on here. | ||
| I love the Innocence Project. | ||
| I love that series. | ||
| No, it's amazing. | ||
| What a douchebag. | ||
| That guy that was doing the Toothmite fucking... | ||
| What is that guy? | ||
| It was on that. | ||
| He was convicting people from tooth... | ||
| Oh, tooth bites. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| But there wasn't a bottom imprint. | ||
| And he was sending them to prison and let the other guy that was killing kids go free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you see that? | ||
| It was a good one. | ||
| Well, Josh Dubin, who's one of the guys who's been on this podcast before, he has a podcast called Junk Science... | ||
| It's about the Innocence Project, about wrongly convicted people because of junk science, about bite marks. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Wrongful conviction, junk science, bite mark evidence. | ||
| This is Josh Dubin, who's been on the podcast before. | ||
| That guy made me cry like a baby, telling me some stories about people getting out of jail that were wrongly convicted. | ||
| I wasn't trying to make you cry, but I could have. | ||
| But I just chose not to. | ||
| I'm taking it a different direction. | ||
| Why are you threatening me? | ||
| I'm not threatening you, Joe. | ||
| I'm just saying that if I wanted to make you cry right here in public... | ||
| Like you were crying that night at the improv, and I was wiping your tears on my do-rag. | ||
| Tell me about Austin. | ||
| Where am I gonna go? | ||
| I'm gonna come with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know if I can live in Texas, but I have to move everything! | |
| I'd have to move, but it's too hard! | ||
| I'll be there. | ||
| I was all in, dude. | ||
| I was so fucking thrilled. | ||
| You heard the news coming out of my fucking voice the day I found out that Joe was coming to town. | ||
| And then I write, you know what, I knew Jay was coming, but I don't know if he's really coming. | ||
| I talked him into it. | ||
| Nobody's selling their property over there. | ||
| They're just getting a place over here. | ||
| He'll sell his property there eventually. | ||
| I'm like, come on, man. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| Are you going to sell the place? | ||
| I'll sell my place. | ||
| Yeah, I think I'm staying here. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| I felt real comfortable real quick. | ||
| Real quick. | ||
| I've only been here a little over a week. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You're brand new. | ||
| You're new to me. | ||
| And look, I already got a studio. | ||
| I'm all set up. | ||
| You got a badass studio, dude. | ||
| I got jet skis. | ||
| I think you could have built it in an Airstream. | ||
| You know, it saved the money. | ||
| Could have, right? | ||
| It moved it around. | ||
| I feel like this is a better spot for me. | ||
| And again, it's like practicing what I preach. | ||
| I don't think we need to be connected to that machine out there, that Hollywood machine. | ||
| Well, we know you don't. | ||
| Nobody does. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because it's a bandwidth, right? | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| You could do it from anywhere. | ||
| It's that. | ||
| You could do it from anywhere, but it's also what really serves the comics. | ||
| What really serves the comics is the podcast industry. | ||
| The podcast industry goes where the podcasters go. | ||
| So let's bring them all here. | ||
| Yeah, you always have the ability to move my number, you know, by saying something on the internet, which you were always willing to do, and you can see it. | ||
| And you have people coming up, yeah, I heard it on the road. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, good. | ||
| Yeah, good. | ||
| Sometimes you're just lucky, right? | ||
| I'm lucky you're my friend. | ||
| A lot of guys that were friends of Letterman got to do Letterman all the time because they were his friend, right? | ||
| Whether they were that good or not, they got to do it over and over and over and over and over. | ||
| I've watched a few of your podcasts. | ||
| Everybody was more interesting than me. | ||
| I used to be a comic. | ||
| You keep saying that. | ||
| I used to be a comic, too. | ||
| That's horseshit. | ||
| You're a comic. | ||
| You're Ron fucking White, man. | ||
| Don't ever say that. | ||
| You need to stop saying that. | ||
| Once I get you up at the club, come on, man. | ||
| You're going to crush. | ||
| You're going to tell that story about those... | ||
| That's what I'm waiting for. | ||
| I'm waiting for the club. | ||
| Once the club... | ||
| As soon as the club... | ||
| As soon as we get this mayor out of office... | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| As soon as we figure out a way to open up these clubs... | ||
| Why don't we have a meeting under the bridge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because... | |
| Yeah, no, we got a bunker. | ||
| We don't need to go under the bridge. | ||
| We just need to get good clubs open. | ||
| As soon as they come up with rapid testing and some more tenable therapeutics. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| We'll be all right. | ||
| People want to go out. | ||
| Man, they miss it. | ||
| They miss it bad. | ||
| I miss it. | ||
| I miss sitting in a club watching other comics. | ||
| Almost as much as I miss doing stand-up. | ||
| I miss it. | ||
| And people that are just fans, that just have regular jobs, that used to love date night, go out to a comedy club, have a great fucking time, have a few drinks, laugh their ass off. | ||
| They miss it. | ||
| But we're going to add badass barbecue to that scene, right? | ||
| Fuck, yeah, pass that letter. | ||
| Yeah, you got it. | ||
| Yeah, we just got to make weed legal here. | ||
| God damn it, people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know it's kind of legal. | |
| All we have to do... | ||
| Is continue to work in that direction because it's the process of evolution, right? | ||
| I thought that Texas would probably sell medical marijuana before Oklahoma because they're so much more conservative, it seems. | ||
| But now it's flourishing like crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the money they get out of it, that's the big thing. | |
| Texas doesn't need the money because of oil, but... | ||
| And just other things. | ||
| But eventually, it's going to make sense to Texas. | ||
| It'll be laughed upon in 15 years or 10 years or 5 years as a prohibition that was so fucking stupid. | ||
| Like it is in California. | ||
| Like it is in California. | ||
| You can't even imagine. | ||
| I remember the day that I moved to Montecito. | ||
| I'm down at this head shop. | ||
| I'm going to buy a piece. | ||
| I just bought this house. | ||
| Big view of the world. | ||
| And there was a guy there with a skateboard. | ||
| He was waiting. | ||
| It was going to open in 15 minutes. | ||
| And he goes, you got your license? | ||
| You're going to pick up some herb? | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| And then I spent 20 minutes going, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| As he explained to me that marijuana was legal in California. | ||
| I didn't even know it. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, what you do is you go down, he goes, where's your license? | ||
| It's Atlanta. | ||
| He goes, yeah, that's okay. | ||
| Just go down there, apply for a license, they'll give you a paper license, take that to this doctor, and in one hour you'll be back here, open that door, there's 15 kinds of, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you fucking what? | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| And I walked in there, and he wasn't kidding. | ||
| It was fucking 15 kinds of gorgeous bud ice cream that made you want potato chips, right? | ||
| I'm getting fatter for sure. | ||
| And all the hash, hash, all this stuff. | ||
| And I buy all of it. | ||
| I spend two grand. | ||
| And I do. | ||
| I spent $2,000. | ||
| And I go back up to the house. | ||
| I'm there by myself. | ||
| And I got my new bong. | ||
| I'm pouring this and this, taking this hit, that hit, off this, eat some of this fucking ice cream, which they didn't put a real dosage on, you know, but I'm just fucking... | ||
| I'm so fucking... | ||
| And then I start feeling weird, right? | ||
| And I go wash my face and I lay in my bed and I start going, Montecito's a trap. | ||
| It's a trap. | ||
| The drug's here. | ||
| It's going to ruin my life. | ||
| I should take all that weed and all this stuff, flush it down the toilet. | ||
| I'm going, this is horrible. | ||
| And then like an hour later, I'm in there going, what else we got in here? | ||
| Don't do it all, because that doesn't work. | ||
| Just got to get past the rough spots. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| But I always like to get too fucked up and come down a little bit. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Kind of wander into a buzz that way. | ||
| Well, when you come down a little bit, you feel real thankful you're not as fucked up as you were an hour ago. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And I hope an hour from now... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I have those feelings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Those good feelings. | ||
| Good feelings of survival. | ||
| I think you have to feel like you're going to die to really appreciate being alive. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I've had some really fucking low spots in my life in the touring career when... | ||
| Literally... | ||
| I had joint custody of my son when he was two and a half years old. | ||
| And they were like, okay, here you go. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, nobody's going with me or nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I just have a baby and that's it. | |
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| And I have a van and I plop Marshall down in the car seat next to me in the van and go, uh... | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| And we took off across the fucking country and going to comedy clubs. | ||
| Literally, I would walk up to waitresses before I went on stage and went, could you just hold him for about 45 minutes? | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he'd be out there being held by a waitress while I'm up on stage doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And I'll tell you the funniest thing. | ||
| He's a brilliant young man, but here's how smart he is. | ||
| We're at the South County Funny Bone. | ||
| And he goes, Dad, because every once in a while I'd bring him on stage, right? | ||
| And go, here's my baby, get that boat, right? | ||
| It's an easy boat to get. | ||
| And he goes, Dad, I want to come to the club tonight, but I don't want to go on stage. | ||
| I just want to hang out in the green room. | ||
| And I said, this club doesn't have a green room. | ||
| And he goes, oh, it's a funny bone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And how amazing it is to put that together, that funny bones are shitholes and they don't have fucking green rooms, right? | ||
| At least the one Columbus doesn't. | ||
| Right. | ||
| None of them do. | ||
| They've got a green room in the fucking bunch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he realized that at two and a half years old. | ||
| Two and a half years old. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, it's a funny bone. | ||
| He's two and a half. | ||
| Oh my god, that's funny. | ||
| But that's how he's raised. | ||
| I took him down to Mexico when I started making pottery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You lived in Mexico for a while, right? | |
| But this was before Blue Collar Comedy took off, right? | ||
| Right before. | ||
| What brought you to Mexico? | ||
| I'm impetuous, dude. | ||
| The Funny Bone cut my pay by a third. | ||
| Because they realized they could. | ||
| And really, they took away a lot of the airfare, so it was really almost half. | ||
| And I told them to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck. | ||
| And my girlfriend at the time was an artist sort of person, and she was doing this mosaic tile application to pottery. | ||
| And then she would take it to these fairs or whatever and sell it. | ||
| And she'd sell it all in two hours, but the fair is three days. | ||
| It took her six months to make it. | ||
| And so I thought, why wouldn't you just go to Mexico and hire a bunch of women to sit around and she orchestrates it and they sit around and make this pottery and then you have a bunch to sell. | ||
| And that was the whole concept. | ||
| So I went down there, and I was living on the Lake LBJ, right up from you, and I sold that house, and I had the biggest truck rider makes pulling the biggest trailer rider makes, and I had my van that Marshall and I toured in, and the biggest trailer that they make behind that. | ||
| That was everything I owned, and we went straight down to McAllen, Texas, and moved into a trailer. | ||
| And then we moved, and I found a place in Mexico, in Reynosa, Mexico, where Abraham Answer is, who's a great golfer who I love to follow. | ||
| And we moved into Mexico, met a woman named Irma Munoz, and Irma knew everybody. | ||
| She was like the matriarch of the entire subdivision there. | ||
| And there was a tortilla factory that had been abandoned. | ||
| I rented it for $100 a month, and it was a wreck. | ||
| And I had eight inches of cat shit in it. | ||
| They went in there, cleaned it all up, and we started fucking making pottery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pottery? | |
| Pottery. | ||
| And I remember that two of the... | ||
| It may have been the two sons, if not, wasn't here, but one of the employees were... | ||
| Little kids, and Marshall was five or six, and they were four and three or whatever, and they were fighting. | ||
| And Marshall went out on the front porch and went, ALTO! Because that was a word he knew. | ||
| But they didn't stop, but he still knew how to command them to stop. | ||
| So we had a glorious life. | ||
| I spent my evenings fucking sawing tables and building shit, and they were making pottery, and I was sweating. | ||
| How old were you back then? | ||
| 42 or 3, maybe. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| So you had toured and you kind of like settled into this idea that I'm just going to be here in Mexico making pottery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but Foxworthy and I had been friends for already. | ||
| I met Foxworthy the first day I did stand-up. | ||
| So he goes, why don't you come with me on the weekends and open for me in the big shows, right? | ||
| So he'd gotten big enough to take somebody with him and he picked me to take with him. | ||
| And so I would go out and make more money than I ever really made before my life opened up for Foxworthy on the weekends. | ||
| And then I'd fly back from, we'd be on a private jet, and then we'd fly back to Atlanta, and then I'd get on a plane to Houston, then McAllen, Texas, and then drive across to Mexico. | ||
| Have I ever told you the tomato story? | ||
| No. | ||
| So, my mother grows these amazing tomatoes that were so good. | ||
| The property she lived on, which was in Buda, which is just south of here, was a peach tree orchard at one time and a cattle farm at one time, but the soil produced a tomato that you could just eat over the sink like an apple. | ||
| They were so good, and clearly the best I'd ever eaten. | ||
| And Foxworthy was so in love with these tomatoes that he would call, because his mother would send him a box of tomatoes every year. | ||
| He'd say, when did the tomatoes come? | ||
| I'm like, gee, they're ripening on the vine, okay? | ||
| You'll get your tomatoes when you get your tomatoes. | ||
| And I'd been out on a run. | ||
| I picked up a comedy club that wasn't a funny bone, and then a couple of Foxworthy days, and I was gone for two weeks. | ||
| Mother sent me the box of tomatoes. | ||
| And all the money that I'd made, I already owed to the people that worked for me, right? | ||
| And I didn't owe it to them, but it was coming up, right? | ||
| It was gone. | ||
| I didn't have any money. | ||
| And so I stopped. | ||
| In McAllen's post office and they bring out a big old soggy fucking box. | ||
| And I know what it is. | ||
| I know my mother sent me the tomatoes and they went rotten in the fucking post office while I was out doing stand-up, right? | ||
| So I said, I asked the tomatoes, you know, throw it away. | ||
| And so I get in line, I'm exhausted. | ||
| I've been traveling all day long, literally all night and all day. | ||
| We had done a show in Seattle, flowed back on a private plane to Atlanta, to Houston, hadn't, you know, just beat up. | ||
| And I get over to my house and the phone rings and it's my mom. | ||
| And she goes, did you get the tomatoes? | ||
| And I said, mother, I've been gone for two weeks. | ||
| And the tomatoes were rotten. | ||
| She goes, at least you got the hundred dollars. | ||
| I'm like, oh. | ||
| I get back in my car, drive back to America, drive to the fucking post office, go back to the dumpster, fucking open the lid, crawl in it, and start rubbing through the fucking rubbish until I found that box, ripped it open, and got that $100. | ||
| Put it in my pocket and went back fucking home. | ||
| That's how much I needed $100. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dig through a dumpster to get it. | ||
| And I forget where we were at right before that. | ||
| You were in Mexico, and you were doing Pottery, opening for Jeff Foxworthy. | ||
| Yeah, and then, well, basically then, you know, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour came up, you know, because the kings of comedy were doing such huge numbers, and Foxworthy was like, you know, why don't we do another version of that, you know, for a different, you know, marketplace, and... | ||
| He told me the concept of the four of us going out, but I didn't really know what the Kings of Comedy were doing. | ||
| I wasn't playing golf with them back then. | ||
| You were making pottery in Mexico. | ||
| Right, I was making pottery in Mexico. | ||
| It was beautiful stuff. | ||
| Just pre-internet. | ||
| Turned out it was heavy and fragile, which is a horrible combination. | ||
| I really hadn't thought of that. | ||
| I didn't really think the whole thing through. | ||
| I was just like, what about this? | ||
| It is crazy, though, that it all popped for you at 42. Well, probably 44, 45, and before that came out, right? | ||
| We did it, but that was all Jeff's money, right? | ||
| He paid me great to do it, but it was his thing, right? | ||
| It would have been nothing without him ever. | ||
| We couldn't have sold Ticket One without Foxworthy in that, and even if it was just ding ball, it didn't work at all. | ||
| We tried. | ||
| But we just cut the guy, making all the money out of it, and give the money... | ||
| Okay, nobody shows up. | ||
| So... | ||
| I think Foxworth is one of the most underrated comics ever. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| That You Might Be a Redneck series. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If your family tree does not fork. | |
| And it was all so long. | ||
| I mean, those jokes were so long ago, but it was such a great hook and something that you could just do it over and over and over and over. | ||
| But there was so much to him besides that, right? | ||
| And to this day, you know, he's just somebody that when I talked to him, we were both doing little clubs in Atlanta warming up for something else. | ||
| And so we had dinner together. | ||
| You know, I don't know, eight months ago or whatever it was. | ||
| And it was just glorious to sit down and talk to somebody that was so generous that the first day I ever did stand up, he told me I needed to put the punchline at the end of the joke. | ||
| And then I said, how do you do that? | ||
| Or whatever stupid fucking voice I was using that day. | ||
| And he sits down with me, a brand new comic with a piece of paper and a fucking pen. | ||
| And he goes, all right, how's the first joke go? | ||
| He writes it out himself in longhand. | ||
| And he underlines this part and this part and this part. | ||
| And he goes, what you're doing is instead of saying this here, you need to say it here, right? | ||
| Because if you say it here, you're stepping on the lap by doing the end of it. | ||
| Now, I can't imagine now how you would do that wrong or not know how to do it, but I didn't know how to do it then. | ||
| And he was so generous. | ||
| He just sat down and showed me. | ||
| I've been doing stand-up for four minutes. | ||
| And I had a guy that good going, okay, look at this. | ||
| Just think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's amazing. | |
| Just think about this. | ||
| If you do it here instead of here, what happens? | ||
| Stare at them. | ||
| They'll laugh. | ||
| And then you can move on to the next fucking job. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So that's how much he's influenced. | ||
| I've never heard anything but good things about that, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There's nothing but good. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Great human being. | ||
| Dear, dear friend. | ||
| Count on him for anything. | ||
| He's a big-time bowhunter, too, you know? | ||
| He's a big time hunter. | ||
| And everybody respects him as a hunter. | ||
| He doesn't take out a lot of deer during the year. | ||
| He looks for trophies. | ||
| And if he doesn't see them, he doesn't shoot at them. | ||
| Old, mature deer that have passed their breeding site. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he looks for. | ||
| That's how you're supposed to do it. | ||
| You know, and I've never been into that. | ||
| He's always tried to get me to go. | ||
| And I would probably go with him. | ||
| I mean, I have no reason not to, you know, except I'd have to learn how to shoot a bow. | ||
| You should come out here and we should shoot some pigs. | ||
| They have to get rid of them, these wild, crazy pigs. | ||
| So the pigs, yeah, the pig store. | ||
| Don't think about Whitney's pig. | ||
| Put that in the back of your head. | ||
| So Jay and I were going to do, who was the hanging judge? | ||
| There's Jeff. | ||
| Yeah, there he is. | ||
| What's he doing in this video, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just found a hunting video. | |
| Just outdoorsman hunting something or other. | ||
| That's a nice deer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's on Facebook. | |
| Yeah, he's out there whacking deer. | ||
| So anyway, Jay and I were talking about doing, who was the judge west of the Pecos here? | ||
| Roy Bean. | ||
| Roy Bean. | ||
| And so we were talking to this director, I feel stupid for not knowing his name, famous director, lives right here in Bastrop, who did... | ||
| Shit, my brain's just not working today. | ||
| I can't catch up with all of it. | ||
| But he actually had also some pigs that he put into this, and he wanted to do a reality show about the pig ranch in Bastrop. | ||
| So, Jay, because he can produce anything, right, he's got a great production company, and so he sells it because this guy's the director. | ||
| Fuck, who's his name? | ||
| Oh, I can't believe it. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Give me a movie. | ||
| The first movie that McConaughey was ever in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm guessing on this. | |
| Richard Linkletter. | ||
| Bam, Jamie. | ||
| Right out of the fucking gate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a mentalist. | |
| So... | ||
| We pitch him the Judge Roy Bean story, but Jay's there to wrap up the deal on the pig ranch, the pig rescue thing. | ||
| So they want to go over there. | ||
| Well, now I'm part of the fucking team, right? | ||
| I'm like, fuck yeah, because I want this guy to direct this. | ||
| Because if he does it, it's a hit, and it's sold, for sure. | ||
| He's an amazing director. | ||
| And we go over there, and it's huge. | ||
| And it's nice, too. | ||
| The pigs are 800 pounds. | ||
| some of them can't hardly move have arthritis take some 30 minutes to lay down the last pig and uh this is a thing no oh something different well no that's not the last pig good luck with that there's a lot of pigs but anyway we make our way around the whole thing and and they have footage because you know they have all these cameras out of of pigs that are in the wild walking up to the fence Going, how did he get in here? | ||
| They're fucking eating sandwiches and shit, laying around in the mud. | ||
| And then there's pigs outside the gates going, what the fuck is this? | ||
| I want in. | ||
| No, you can't get in. | ||
| I wonder if you let wild pigs in, if they'll revert to being like domestic pigs. | ||
| Because if you take domestic pigs and they go wild, like you were talking about your friend's pigs, they grow tusks. | ||
| Yeah, they were fine with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But anyway, we make our way into the house, which the guy that runs it runs a big construction company. | ||
| He's got a lot of money, but his wife looks like the chick from Pulp Fiction that goes nuts, that has all the piercings and stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And when I walked into that environment, I saw her, and I'm like, she's set to pop. | ||
| She's a... | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| So, yeah, she's about to pop her fucking weasel, right? | ||
| I think. | ||
| That's my feeling about the whole situation. | ||
| Right, I get it. | ||
| And we get in the house, and they're going to sit down and talk about this deal... | ||
| We sit down for about three seconds. | ||
| He goes, I'm out of here! | ||
| She walks out the door, slams the fucking door. | ||
| And I was like, I saw that fucking coming. | ||
| I didn't tell anybody, right? | ||
| But I did see it fucking coming. | ||
| I'm like, this girl's about to pop. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| You know crazy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You've been around crazy. | ||
| And he goes, she's not coming back. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, she was coming back. | ||
| She looked like she was, anyway. | ||
| I said, well, I'm going to, they said something about, they need to talk about the deal, and I got a joint in my pocket. | ||
| I've been dying to smoke for fucking hours. | ||
| And I'm like, oh yeah, I'll just be right outside here. | ||
| But before they did that, there were four pigs that lived in the house and one of them was Whitney Cummings Pig. | ||
| And they brought Whitney Cummings Pig out to me and I held it and it squealed like I was fucking it. | ||
| I totally wasn't. | ||
| I totally wasn't. | ||
| I definitely did not watch that man fuck my wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I already don't believe you. | |
| I already don't believe you. | ||
| That's a powerful statement. | ||
| So anyway, then there's that story. | ||
| Ron White, let's wrap it up. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| Wrap it up. | ||
| We did it, man. | ||
| My brother, another beautiful podcast. | ||
| Fuck, yeah. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thanks for making me come here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're part of the reason. | ||
| Hey, you know, I need to just stop you from crying. | ||
| I'm like, I'll make some promises. | ||
| I'll pitch in, you know, do my thing. | ||
| I knew there was a spot where we could be together. | ||
| Yeah, right, yeah. | ||
| I was trying to steal you back from McGraw, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm like, my two friends kind of went off together. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, I see a way. | ||
| Now it turns out he's moving down here. | ||
| You can vacation with us, too. | ||
| We'll all vacation when it's legal again. | ||
| I got nothing to do, man. | ||
| I got nothing to do. | ||
| You got something to do once the ranch opens up. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Figure out what to do with your four acres. | ||
| And two mules, yeah. | ||
| I love you, Ron White. | ||
| I love you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Bye, everybody. |
Export Selection