Dec. 24, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:20:17
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| You'll be fine. | ||
| One cigar, I'll fuck him down for a week. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| Oh, he needs an excuse. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And we're live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So, the last few weeks, we've been getting these annoying text messages from Ari where everything's in Spanish. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| How long is this joke going to go? | ||
| En escuela. | ||
| And then he gets here with a backpack on. | ||
| Like, where you been? | ||
| I was in Medellin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Medellin. | |
| He was doing, you were doing a Spanish immersion thing? | ||
| Yeah, 100% Spanish. | ||
| I brought back these Cuban cigars. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, in Colombia. | ||
| Did you have any Spanish-speaking lessons before you went to Colombia? | ||
| Cero. | ||
| You know what that means? | ||
| It sounds like zero. | ||
| It does sound like zero. | ||
| It's a pretty close language. | ||
| A lot of it's pretty close. | ||
| So zero? | ||
| I had nothing. | ||
| Cero is zero? | ||
| Yo hablo español también. | ||
| Claro. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Tom, you're doing a podcast. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is his Me Too back party. | ||
| Like, when Tom gets Me Too'd in America, he's going to go run. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I'm setting up the escape plan right now, man. | ||
| The other countries are like, what's the problem? | ||
| The Latin countries would have no problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've had this conversation multiple times. | |
| Latin people are like, me what? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were talking to his cousin who lives in Peru. | |
| He called his cousin, and there's a term Latinx, which is not Latino or Latina. | ||
| It's a gender-neutral way of saying Latinx. | ||
| And he says to his cousin in Spanish, you know, ¿tu sabe Latinx? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, oh, maricón? | |
| He goes, he's like... | ||
| He goes, what? | ||
| I'm like, you know, it's a gender neutral. | ||
| So you're saying, he goes, like a faggot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, that's not exactly what I'm saying. | |
| My teacher, we were talking about like parents, something like that, and there was like, the word for parents is just like... | ||
| Fathers, pretty much. | ||
| So then it's like, what if you have two mothers? | ||
| Do you call it madres as parents? | ||
| Instead of like, you know, if it's just father, it's padre. | ||
| If it's just mother, it's madre. | ||
| But if it's parents, it's padres. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I'm like, do you, if it's just okay. | ||
| And she was like, no, still padres. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, you know, that's okay these days. | |
| It's okay with her being as poor as she can be. | ||
| Like, that's fine, though. | ||
| What country do you think is most in the dark ages with wokeness? | ||
| Russia. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Russia, they make laws about gay people. | ||
| They did for the Olympics. | ||
| Iran has, according to their leader, 0% homosexual population. | ||
| Yeah, Iran's worse than Russia because Russia has... | ||
| People that are outside of the control of the government that are just freely speaking, that are talking about homosexual problems and like Pussy Riot. | ||
| Remember when Pussy Riot was getting... | ||
| A lot of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're fucking hot. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| Yeah, I gotta think about that. | ||
| Make them dirty. | ||
| Arrested chicks right out of jail. | ||
| Russia doesn't fuck around, dude. | ||
| No, they don't fuck around. | ||
| They don't fuck around. | ||
| At all. | ||
| You know, there's a kind of a, I don't know, selling point from them that they're trying to be progressive thinkers. | ||
| Some of them will disguise it as that, but they're definitely not fucking around, dude. | ||
| Someone from Russia, some government agency, made a tweet about freedom of the press. | ||
| What did they say? | ||
| About respecting the press and appreciating the press. | ||
| And someone, some journal said, this is a country that has literally, like this administration, has literally been responsible for murders of dozens of people that are journalists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, when people would report on them, or people would, running against certain members of the government, they would just whack them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| In broad daylight. | ||
| And even more disappearances, which is slang for murders. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, that person's just gone. | ||
| We haven't seen them. | ||
| We just don't want to explain it, so they, I don't know. | ||
| I can't wait to go back and see how much it's changed. | ||
| Are you going back? | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing a tour there. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| They're going to kidnap you for sure. | ||
| My kids are like, we want to go too. | ||
| I was like, fuck that. | ||
| But to hang out with Russian guys and ask them questions that I asked when I was in college. | ||
| I remember asking them about black people and they were like, oh, no, no, no. | ||
| They can't be here. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr. is a Russian citizen. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr.? | ||
| No, like a legit Russian citizen. | ||
| This was 1995, just to be fair. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr. has been going over to Russia for a long time. | ||
| He's a giant star over there. | ||
| They love him. | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| Totally serious. | ||
| I'm thinking of Roy Woods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roy Woods. | |
| It's a comic? | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| How hilarious. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr. with Putin. | ||
| He looks like Putin's shaking his hand too hard. | ||
| He's trying to get it away. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| But he's over there all the time. | ||
| He's got a fucking Russian passport. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| I'd like that. | ||
| I'd like that. | ||
| Listen, dude. | ||
| They threw that AAA punana at him. | ||
| That AAA Russian punana. | ||
| That's that smile. | ||
| Look at him smiling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he knows. | ||
| He's fought over there a bunch of times, too. | ||
| Fought over there fairly recently. | ||
| How long are you going to be there for, Brad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Just like two weeks, maybe? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You going to do shows? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I'm going to bring a film crew. | ||
| Schultz did a bunch of shows there. | ||
| Who did? | ||
| Andrew Schultz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| In Russia? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He put some of it online. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| I bet Gaffigan has, too. | ||
| He's done shows fucking everywhere. | ||
| Has he? | ||
| Nobody plays more places than Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| Yeah, he just announced that he's doing a Latin American tour. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| In English, yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He goes everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, what's the guy that ran 25 marathons in 25 days? | ||
| Eddie Izzard? | ||
| Eddie Izzard did shows in German and doesn't speak German. | ||
| He did that in French, too. | ||
| He just memorized the language. | ||
| He just memorized how the words would go. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I've been trying to tell the machine in Spanish, and I know Spanish, but it's fucking still hard as fuck. | ||
| Eddie Izzard is a savage. | ||
| Do you want to know what it takes to run 26 marathons in a row when you don't even run? | ||
| Day after day? | ||
| Day after day. | ||
| I mean, there's videos of it where they show his feet, where he takes his socks off. | ||
| Literally, his skin is falling off the meat. | ||
| I mean, his skin is raw and open, and they're taping it up and bandaging shit. | ||
| I mean, he can't even stand. | ||
| And he's running 26 miles every fucking day. | ||
| That's a different mindset. | ||
| Just from Will. | ||
| He's a really interesting guy. | ||
| I had him in on the podcast. | ||
| He's in full woman's regalia, but he says, but I fancy the ladies. | ||
| He fancies girls. | ||
| He just likes dressing like a woman, but he's a man. | ||
| But he's transgender. | ||
| He stopped for a while, too. | ||
| He dressed like that, then he stopped dressing like that. | ||
| He does whatever the fuck he wants, man. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I really like him, too. | ||
| I really like talking to him. | ||
| He's an interesting guy. | ||
| He's a brilliant dude. | ||
| A really smart dude. | ||
| Yeah, but also the kind of will that you have to have. | ||
| Yeah, that's what stands out, to do that. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| It's an animal. | ||
| But he did, and he also wasn't at charity, right? | ||
| He did that, and he did one in South Africa. | ||
| It was an area where he wanted to run. | ||
| Like, listen to me. | ||
| If you run through there, they're going to kill you. | ||
| Like, you can't run through there. | ||
| We're going to pick you up in a car, we're going to take you past that, and then we're going to follow you in cars. | ||
| We can't even be with you in a car while you're running, or they'll kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| In South Africa? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Bro, there's parts of South Africa that are rough. | ||
| Yeah, you think? | ||
| I've been to those. | ||
| Apparently, carjacking down there is just out of fucking control. | ||
| Bro, we were in South Africa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There he is. | |
| We spent the night in a shantytown. | ||
| I went in and I brought soccer balls. | ||
| I bought like 40 soccer balls for all the kids, right? | ||
| Because we were going to play soccer with them. | ||
| So I bought a big truck full of soccer balls. | ||
| It was on Travel Channel. | ||
| I roll in with like 40 fucking soccer balls. | ||
| And their coach loses his fucking mind. | ||
| Just shy of hitting me with a machete. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You're going to give every kid that's in here a soccer ball? | ||
| He's going to all get fucking murdered on the way home because someone will kill them for their soccer ball. | ||
| And I was like, sorry. | ||
| And he's like, take them the fuck out of here. | ||
| So then we spent the night, right? | ||
| Murdered for a soccer ball. | ||
| Dude, it's a shanty town. | ||
| Soccer balls got value there. | ||
| Especially, think of all the, I mean, we spend the night, we party that night, some, one of the, it was like one of these. | ||
| Wait a minute, this story just got weird. | ||
| We're partying with the kids. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| In the shanty town. | ||
| It was fucking crazy, dude. | ||
| It was like at a belly. | ||
| Everyone's sweaty, everyone's dark, dark, dark. | ||
| It was fucking badass. | ||
| Did you get malaria? | ||
| No, I was on those pills. | ||
| I was dreaming crazy. | ||
| We woke up the next day, right? | ||
| I'm outside having coffee in my little shanty thing. | ||
| Guy comes sprinting down the street and a mob is chasing him. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And our handler's like, oh yeah. | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| And he goes, I heard about this. | ||
| He stole a pillow. | ||
| And I was like, you stole a pillow? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, you stole a pillow. | ||
| Don't worry, they'll get him. | ||
| They're gonna necklace him. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| And he goes, there's justice here. | ||
| They put a tire around his neck and light him on fire. | ||
| I go, for a fucking pillow? | ||
| I was like, alright, wrap it. | ||
| We're done. | ||
| I'm getting the fuck out of here. | ||
| I'm not spending another second here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you risk... | |
| That for a pillow. | ||
| Just fold your arm under it. | ||
| Have you ever had like a great pillow though? | ||
| Like when they're... | ||
| And they remember you? | ||
| Those air memory foam ones? | ||
| Yeah, but they don't have too much give. | ||
| They're not too strong. | ||
| And you go like, I'm not leaving this pillow for shit. | ||
| I'll take it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If someone steals this pillow from me, I'm lighting them on fire. | |
| I see both sides now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brazil was sketchy. | ||
| We went into the favelas in Brazil and got lost at sunset. | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| It's a travel channel. | ||
| Beautiful way to die. | ||
| We took motorcycles up. | ||
| We took motorcycles up, and then we weren't taking them back down, so we gave guys on motorcycles our helmets, and they were fucking through the roof. | ||
| As soon as we gave them our helmets, you could see their attitude change, and they were like, don't stay up here. | ||
| And we're like, what? | ||
| And they're like, no matter what they say, don't stay up here. | ||
| We're going to spend the night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| In the favelas? | ||
| In the favela, yeah. | ||
| They have a great... | ||
| There's one favela... | ||
| Five-star luxury hotel? | ||
| No, they have a great hotel in the favela that, like... | ||
| Man, someone would... | ||
| If you had done this traveling, you'd remember more. | ||
| I don't even remember shit about Travel Channel. | ||
| Because we were doing so much different shit. | ||
| And you were drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was hammered in this favela. | ||
| It was fucking awesome, dude. | ||
| You're just not supposed to go there. | ||
| No, we went in and we got lost and we found this soccer game with these kids. | ||
| And it was like the buildings started... | ||
| This is with a camera crew? | ||
| No, we didn't have a camera crew because we got lost. | ||
| Me and the two travelers got lost. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| He brought guests? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, we're going to be fine. | ||
| We're on TV. They don't know what a fucking favela is. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| They're from Indiana. | ||
| We're fine! | ||
| Everything's fine! | ||
| They're from Denver. | ||
| Bert's our friend! | ||
| I can't believe we're on TV! Yeah, and then the camera crew found us and they filmed us playing soccer with the kids and then they're like, hey, we gotta get the fuck out. | ||
| And I was like, no, let's go back to the hotel. | ||
| We're back to the hotel. | ||
| Best view of Brazil you'll ever get. | ||
| It's on the mountain, right? | ||
| It's the best view of Brazil. | ||
| That's the weird thing about the favelas. | ||
| It's like the Hollywood Hills. | ||
| They're above looking down at this beautiful village. | ||
| We went for real with the UFC. And they were like, do not go there. | ||
| Do not go there. | ||
| Yeah, do not. | ||
| Yeah, and then we didn't, and then Jon Jones was up there the whole weekend. | ||
| He was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's dancing after a good time. | ||
| It was before he was the champ, I think. | ||
| Just hanging out? | ||
| No, he was the champ. | ||
| He was already the champ? | ||
| Yeah, he was just hanging there. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| I guess he thought he could beat him in a one-on-one. | ||
| Did you stay in a nice place in Medellin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| With a balcony. | ||
| Oh, in Medellin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, it's a homestay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| With a family. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What a lucky family. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Immersion. | |
| Full immersion, huh? | ||
| Yeah, full immersion. | ||
| And then Sobrino. | ||
| So how good is your Spanish now? | ||
| Is it passable? | ||
| Can you go somewhere and talk to people? | ||
| So I could order food. | ||
| I could ask where the bus is. | ||
| Are you going to continue this education? | ||
| Are you going to take classes? | ||
| Yeah, I want to eventually, next time I take a sabbatical, I want to go through South America for a while. | ||
| Damn, son. | ||
| Looking to get killed. | ||
| It's safe. | ||
| Medi is super safe now. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Parts of it are really poor. | ||
| Oh, that's my picture. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's your own picture. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| It says Ari Sphere hashtag. | ||
| I like that the second comment is bird is fat. | ||
| Hashtag baby Jesus. | ||
| The second comment is bird is fat. | ||
| And a narc. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious, man. | |
| We went to the cathedral. | ||
| I like that there was some reason for you to text. | ||
| We were all reading your text. | ||
| What the fuck kind of bit is this? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I don't know what this joke is. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Yeah, I was in an immersion. | ||
| I had to try to speak no English as much as I could. | ||
| That's interesting, man. | ||
| It's fun doing that kind of shit. | ||
| Yeah, it was really cool. | ||
| That's the way to do it, man. | ||
| And it was like, I was always off balance. | ||
| They were like speaking about grammatical shit. | ||
| And I was like, and first of all, I haven't been in school for 25 years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So even just that alone was difficult. | ||
| Tell us about this family that was blessed enough to have you stay with them for a month. | ||
| And Adriana and their sobrino jumped out. | ||
| Yeah, it was weird. | ||
| The first day I got there, we just sat there and like stared at each other. | ||
| I had nothing. | ||
| So why did they let you in? | ||
| The homestay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They make money through the school. | ||
| The school finds homestays for people that are like... | ||
| And they just do a background check on you, or no? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Joe, Joe, no. | ||
| Clearly no. | ||
| Clearly no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| They didn't even fucking Google him, apparently. | ||
| They're like, ¿Cómo está, Molly? | ||
| Molly? | ||
| ¿Cómo se dice Rufy? | ||
| ¿Cómo se dice Yo También? | ||
| ¿Or Me Too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I didn't even have time for drugs. | ||
| When I went, people were like, are you going to find cocaine? | ||
| I was like, I guess I should, but it was like 9am every night. | ||
| I didn't have time for drugs. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You had to go into the other parts. | ||
| Did you visit some Escobar shit? | ||
| Yeah, the cathedral. | ||
| There's a big hike that starts where his prison was. | ||
| And there's an old age home there now. | ||
| And they have signs up there. | ||
| And it was like, this has nothing to do with him. | ||
| You shouldn't be visiting here anyway. | ||
| He was a garbage man who fucking killed a bunch of people. | ||
| And he goes, and you're awful tourists. | ||
| You leave trash everywhere. | ||
| There's like signs made for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You call this culture in your country where you leave trash? | ||
| Narcos must have changed everything for them, right? | ||
| It became glamorous, almost like Tony Montana. | ||
| That guy who played it, what is that guy's name who played Escobar in Narcos? | ||
| He's a Brazilian actor. | ||
| Yeah, they got mad that he wasn't Colombian. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| Find you a Colombian guy. | ||
| That dude didn't speak Spanish when he took that role. | ||
| Oh, sorry, Portuguese. | ||
| He only spoke Portuguese. | ||
| So close, though. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, like, you can... | ||
| It's not even close at all! | ||
| It is close! | ||
| Not even remotely! | ||
| No, I have Brazilian friends who can speak a little bit of passable Spanish. | ||
| You can pick up on some things. | ||
| For real, I feel like Italian is closer to Spanish than Portuguese. | ||
| Italian is definitely closer than Portuguese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Yeah, Portuguese is almost Asian. | ||
| Oh, Italian is close to Spanish. | ||
| Because I took both in college. | ||
| I don't think Portuguese is a Latin language. | ||
| It is a Latin language. | ||
| It is a Latin language. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But it's definitely... | ||
| If someone gets going in Portuguese and speaks Spanish, you definitely don't understand a fucking thing. | ||
| Portuguese is beautiful. | ||
| They have such a song to it. | ||
| I always love listening to Brazilian guys talk. | ||
| There's his name. | ||
| Wagner Moura. | ||
| That sounds Portuguese. | ||
| Dude, the guy who played... | ||
| Season 1, you hear him speak? | ||
| You note that he definitely has an accent. | ||
| Oh, a heavy non-Spanish accent. | ||
| Season two, he definitely got better. | ||
| You could tell he's been speaking for a while. | ||
| Did you hear the location scout for Narcos got killed by the cartel? | ||
| Wasn't that for the third season? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| For the Mexican season? | ||
| That's right, the Mexican one. | ||
| Because the Mexicans are not fucking around either. | ||
| They're not playing games. | ||
| They're like, what? | ||
| You guys think Russians do shit? | ||
| Check us out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that a few weeks ago? | |
| The Mormons. | ||
| There's a couple of Mormon colonies that left America in the 1800s when they made polygamy illegal. | ||
| Including, by the way, homeboy from fucking Massachusetts. | ||
| The guy running for president. | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| It's on the tip of my tongue. | ||
| Mitt Romney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mitt Romney's father. | |
| Was a brilliant guy but could never be president because he was born in Mexico. | ||
| Mitt Romney's family's from Mexico. | ||
| Because they're part of the original clan that left. | ||
| The clan of Mormons. | ||
| They wanted to fuck 80 wives. | ||
| And so they moved across the border and they developed these colonies. | ||
| And so they literally have armed guards to stop them from the cartel. | ||
| And the cartel just assassinated these women and children. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Nine people just gunned them down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy, Popeye, from that show, one of the murderers, he's still out and does tours of the cathedral and all those places, and he will put a gun to your head, a loaded gun, and let you take a picture. | ||
| He killed so many people. | ||
| So, so many people. | ||
| He did a full turn. | ||
| Who the fuck is taking a gun selfie with that guy? | ||
| Oh, he's a celebrity there. | ||
| When I was in Australia, I was fucking wasted, and I came out of some bar. | ||
| I was with my... | ||
| Tour manager, really a buddy, he's a Hell's Angel guy. | ||
| I'm fucking stumbling out of a bar. | ||
| And this guy comes up with a gun. | ||
| And he goes, hey Bert, can you take a picture of holding a gun to my head? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| I just took a picture of holding a gun to his head. | ||
| My tour manager was like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| And I was like, I don't know. | ||
| I just fucking left. | ||
| There will be a picture of me holding a gun to someone's head. | ||
| He's like, don't worry, it's not loaded. | ||
| And I'm like, it's your fucking head, man. | ||
| You're like, I didn't care. | ||
| I was so fucking wasted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| They actually made a whole series about Popeye. | ||
| About Popeye? | ||
| You can see it on Netflix. | ||
| Just about that guy? | ||
| Yeah, but it's a dramatization. | ||
| That's the guy? | ||
| That's the real guy, yeah. | ||
| That's the real guy. | ||
| On one of the pieces of glass, he signed Popeye in the dust. | ||
| So he was Escobar's right-hand man. | ||
| And he's got 1.18 million subscribers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's in jail right now. | |
| I just Googled it. | ||
| Right now? | ||
| He's back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got arrested in May. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, but he's been out for a while. | ||
| He served like 15, 20 years in Colombian prison, which is like a fucking... | ||
| Unless you're in prison with Escobar. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| That was a different thing. | ||
| He did that too. | ||
| He was in the cathedral. | ||
| So that cathedral, great view. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| He built this amazing jail. | ||
| Dude, he would bring in... | ||
| A helicopter pad? | ||
| He would bring in the Colombian national soccer team and be like, play with me today. | ||
| And they were like, okay. | ||
| Because if we don't, that's a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll die! | |
| So the national team would just play. | ||
| It'd be like, I want the Lakers here now. | ||
| And they're like, they're here, ready to play. | ||
| They are, they're ready. | ||
| They had a game tonight, but they canceled it. | ||
| Did you guys see what happened with the cartel in Mexico where they had El Chapo's son, they had him arrested, and then the fucking cartel got in a shootout with the Mexican military. | ||
| That was this year. | ||
| Yeah, and they released him. | ||
| Yeah, that's how strong. | ||
| At some point you gotta be like, this isn't worth it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what was really crazy, you know, I've got this guy, Ed Calderon, who's been on my podcast before. | ||
| He's coming on again. | ||
| He's one of the guys that works with the Mexican military to deal with situations that are caused by the cartel. | ||
| And he said that there was a situation with Trump, because Trump was saying that they were going to treat the Mexican cartel like a terrorist organization. | ||
| And they were going to literally, because those Mormons got killed, and they were going to start literally a military operation to go after the cartel. | ||
| So this is at least on the table. | ||
| This is on the table. | ||
| At least on the table. | ||
| And they were talked out of it by the Mexican government. | ||
| I wonder what type of firepower they actually have. | ||
| They must have tanks. | ||
| But what more? | ||
| People think, well, they definitely have some big guns. | ||
| They have everything. | ||
| I bet they have shit that you... | ||
| They have billions and billions of dollars. | ||
| Billions of dollars. | ||
| Hundreds of billions of dollars. | ||
| Who knows how much money they have? | ||
| I mean, imagine if you're like the middleman between the cartel and, you know, whatever, Saudi arms dealer, and you're just like, we can't sell you stuff, and they're like, here's fucking $16 billion. | ||
| Bro, how crazy is Sean Penn? | ||
| I was just thinking that. | ||
| Sean Penn went down there to write an article for Rolling Stone, went and met with El Chapo, and he's one of the reasons why El Chapo got caught, right? | ||
| He's the reason El Chapo got caught. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Bro. | ||
| What do you mean the reason he got caught? | ||
| Because they followed him. | ||
| He went with the actress. | ||
| El Chapo loved this Mexican actress. | ||
| And he was like, I want to meet her. | ||
| Look at him, he's palling around with El Chapo. | ||
| Dude, I want that shit so bad. | ||
| I would love to meet Kim Jong-un like that. | ||
| You gotta get that shirt. | ||
| You could totally pull that shirt off. | ||
| I could definitely pull that shirt off. | ||
| Did you ever see when Conor McGregor bought that same shirt and was taking pictures? | ||
| He was with that same pose. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Connor was doing the same pose and not telling anyone. | ||
| And so everybody had to figure out what the fuck Connor was doing. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at his face. | |
| That might be my favorite thing ever! | ||
| He's just a fucking animal. | ||
| Goddamn, I love that guy. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Pretty fucking close. | ||
| There's nothing better in the world than a joke that no one gets but you. | ||
| He wasn't explaining it at all. | ||
| And people picked up on it. | ||
| It's just the handshake thing. | ||
| I mean, Connor is normally putting his fist in people's faces and talking shit. | ||
| And in that one, he's got his hand out like he's going to shake hands. | ||
| Look at the same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's holding his hand out and Dos Anos isn't even thinking about shaking his hand. | |
| He's not even looking to get his hand shaking. | ||
| Look at Dana White. | ||
| Dana White's going, I'm going to make so much money. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm going to make so much money for this. | ||
| Didn't Conor McGregor's fight already sell out? | ||
| The cowboy fight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. | |
| Sold out $10 million at the gate. | ||
| Sure, you guys want to go? | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| I'll get up. | ||
| January 18th. | ||
| Ooh, is it a week? | ||
| I'm free on the 18th. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I could cancel Australia. | ||
| Jamie's going. | ||
| Jamie, you're going, right? | ||
| You should cancel Australia. | ||
| This is the one thing I'm going to take up on. | ||
| I definitely want to go for the first time. | ||
| No, no, I've been before. | ||
| You're wet, finally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Please cancel Australia. | ||
| You should only cancel Australia. | ||
| You should never do it. | ||
| And every two years, plan a tour and then cancel it. | ||
| I get so many messages. | ||
| When is your shows in Australia? | ||
| I leave here the 14th. | ||
| Why don't you move them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just make a call to your agent. | ||
| That's why we have agents, right? | ||
| Listen, it's another country. | ||
| They won't even notice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| They don't watch this, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Birdie Boy World Tour picks up January 30th, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
New material. | |
| Why Birdie Boy? | ||
| What is Birdie Boy? | ||
| That's what my kids call me. | ||
| Oh, that's cute. | ||
| My kids and my wife, everyone calls me Birdie Boy. | ||
| Oh, Birdie Boy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just put tickets, added shows, everyone. | ||
| Go to burperburt.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| It was a plug. | ||
| We didn't even see it coming. | ||
| Tom was better with his plug about Australia. | ||
| Good job, buddy. | ||
| Still got his little tickets on. | ||
| It's been sold out for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That dance video didn't hurt, did it? | |
| How did you respond when you saw yourself get stabbed? | ||
| I was a little confused, and then I was like, I was like, was that me? | ||
| It was very aggressive. | ||
| Very aggressive. | ||
| I didn't understand the carrot either. | ||
| What was up with the carrot? | ||
| It's from Steven Seagal. | ||
| That's who I was dressed as. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know that. | |
| The president of Belarus gave him a carrot. | ||
| It's like the Connor thing. | ||
| The president of Belarus gave him a carrot one time, and then Seagal just ate it. | ||
| It's just weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You had the same outfit and everything, the fucking hair, the glasses. | |
| The fucking jet black hair. | ||
| That hair is so ridiculous. | ||
| It's like 62 in this film. | ||
| Do you remember when we were in the whoops and you said, one day, Tom, your numbers were through the roof. | ||
| And he was like, I got lost in the canyons. | ||
| And you were filming the thing? | ||
| It was when he was filming and he was dancing all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What's it called on WHOOP? It's your activity level. | ||
| 19.8 that day. | ||
| It was 5,800 calories burned. | ||
| It was fucking... | ||
| It was killer. | ||
| Well, you remember that one day where I burned 6,000 calories? | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's elk hunting. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Just going up the mountains. | ||
| Just hauling gear. | ||
| 10 hours a day. | ||
| That's how you got us in the strap the year before. | ||
| It was all day long. | ||
| Well, I got you because I'm a psycho. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really. | |
| I was going to get you no matter what. | ||
| I told you guys, you've got to be ready to die. | ||
| That's why we wanted you in the dance video. | ||
| We wanted to see what you would do. | ||
| Joe, I'm telling you right now. | ||
| You will... | ||
| You will break the two of us in half, crying, laughing. | ||
| If just one day, on your own, you film some dance video that's better than ours, you realize... | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Keep going like that. | ||
| And then surprise us. | ||
| Surprise us. | ||
| I like the way you're rolling it. | ||
| It's cute. | ||
| It's cute. | ||
| I laughed so hard. | ||
| Ari had a great idea. | ||
| About doing one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari had a great idea of us recreating the scene from Dirty Dancing. | ||
| Me and him. | ||
| Beat for beat. | ||
| God. | ||
| That's exactly what we're talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just guys... | |
| Just take a weekend. | ||
| It all takes a weekend. | ||
| Well, I would have to catch him. | ||
| He's not going to catch me. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| That's a lot of... | ||
| What do you weigh? | ||
| Like a buck seventy at least, right? | ||
| Yeah, around 75. So a buck 70 like that, that's a lot of weight, man. | ||
| You gotta be prepared. | ||
| I would have to train for that. | ||
| You have to train for it. | ||
| I'd have to do a lot of heavy kettlebells. | ||
| Because that's dead weight. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Ari. | |
| Okay, this is awkward. | ||
| I'm crying laughing. | ||
| I'm crying laughing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is going to be a problem no matter what because he's a foot taller than me. | ||
| You've got to wear that dress. | ||
| I already have the dress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the nose. | |
| And the nose. | ||
| The nose is already Jewish. | ||
| The nose is close. | ||
| He'd kiss me though. | ||
| The problem is if we got that close, Ari would sneak in a kiss. | ||
| You definitely would. | ||
| And I'd throw up on his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe. | |
| Joe. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| You guys gotta do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Not doing it. | ||
| Dude, I learned how to dance for that fucking Zookeeper movie. | ||
| It was a long two weeks of learning. | ||
| And I got to dance with Leslie Bibb, who's hot and cool. | ||
| I'm hot. | ||
| I'm cool. | ||
| You're cool. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| At least give me cool. | ||
| I wish Jennifer Grey didn't get her nose fixed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Her and Renee Zellweger. | ||
| Renee Zellweger did some weird stuff, right? | ||
| She's a different human. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She was great in that fucking movie about Judy Garland. | ||
| I heard she was great. | ||
| Did you see Meg Ryan? | ||
| You know how she went away? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Then you saw her, and then she looked totally different. | ||
| Totally different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Horrible. | |
| Once you do the lips, man. | ||
| No, she didn't look horrible. | ||
| She just looked so different. | ||
| She looked unrecognizable as herself. | ||
| Yeah, lips. | ||
| You do your lips. | ||
| The Fibonacci sequence is all off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You look at someone's lips, their lips are off, you're like, hey, what the? | ||
| Like, I didn't know Eliza had a nose job. | ||
| She was explaining to me that she had a nose job, and I go, oh, well, it's a fucking good one. | ||
| So I paid a lot of money for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, yeah. | ||
| See, this is what happens when women get the facelift, their mouth gets too big. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, because you're pulling your mouth on the sides. | ||
| So the hole is larger than your mouth. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So you have this... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She was so beautiful. | ||
| She was so hot in the Presidio. | ||
| Is that like that right then? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's rough being a lady, man. | ||
| Because when you're a guy and you get older, you're just a guy who's older. | ||
| When you're a woman, all your power's gone. | ||
| All the doors are open for you because you're attractive. | ||
| You're beautiful. | ||
| And our plastic surgery works. | ||
| The guys that have plugs... | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| No, hold on. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| The guys who have hair transplants today... | ||
| The new ones are crazy. | ||
| You cannot fucking tell. | ||
| Yeah, but it depends on your hair. | ||
| I have thin hair. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| My hair is fine. | ||
| So when I got a hair transplant, even when I had it, it was still ratty. | ||
| And it kept falling out. | ||
| At a certain point in time, I had to make a decision. | ||
| That Bill Burbit where he's like, let's get it today. | ||
| Not 20 years ago when it looked like you got ant's legs stapled to your forehead. | ||
| I got it before that. | ||
| I mean, after that. | ||
| I didn't know you had them done before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a scar in the back of my head, so I smile. | |
| It's a public service announcement for anybody thinking about getting a hair transplant. | ||
| Look at my head. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Tom's thinking about it. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| He doesn't need that. | ||
| He wants me to give him my hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Ball hair. | ||
| Because he's like, you got so much hair, Bert. | ||
| Imagine if you just did your ball hair. | ||
| My ball hair is so thick. | ||
| My ball hair goes all the way up to my belly button. | ||
| If I just took my ball hair and put it on my head... | ||
| You should do it. | ||
| Your ball hair can reach to your belly button? | ||
| Oh, dude, when I don't shave, I'm a gorilla. | ||
| My back is hairy. | ||
| Everything's hairy. | ||
| As I get older, I'm hairier. | ||
| My ears are hairy now. | ||
| I have to trim my fucking ears. | ||
| Yeah, my ears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I keep pulling out one hair. | |
| What it is, I'm like, the fuck is going on with my itching? | ||
| Turn into an ape. | ||
| Start scratching. | ||
| I'm like, God damn. | ||
| Something in your hair. | ||
| And then it's a hair. | ||
| Just a hair tickling your hair. | ||
| As you get older, you become more of a gorilla. | ||
| My ass hairs tie together when I run from cheek to cheek, like a bridge. | ||
| I have to take my finger and swipe it out. | ||
| You know what I've done? | ||
| Three times. | ||
| Only three times in my life. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He says he doesn't smell his bad parts. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Inside the belly button? | ||
| I smell everything. | ||
| Oh, you fucking liar. | ||
| Yeah, I always just try to make you look worse. | ||
| I shave my asshole three times in my life, and every time I'm amazed at what my farts sound like. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That is the most insightful. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I got a full Brazilian wax one time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And for a TV show. | ||
| Your farts. | ||
| All of a sudden, like, who's farting in my pants? | ||
| How about wiping? | ||
| Yeah, you're like, oh. | ||
| Dude, I try to hold my shit until I get to the studio because of these goddamn bidets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The toilet seats with the electric. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Warm water squirting up your butthole. | ||
| You don't have that at home? | ||
| No, I need to get it. | ||
| I know, I'm slipping. | ||
| We ordered it, too. | ||
| I have it. | ||
| I just haven't had it installed yet. | ||
| I've used yours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| When I have it at home, and then I'm home for like 10 days, and then you go on the road, you're like, I'm a monster. | ||
| I'm a fucking monster. | ||
| You're smearing shit. | ||
| You're not even cleaning it. | ||
| No. | ||
| When I got my Brazilian wax, I remember the first time I farted, it was like my ass cheeks were clapping. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| And you're like, shut the fuck up! | ||
| What is happening with the hair? | ||
| Hair muffles it. | ||
| Hair is muffling your farts. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| You're the first person to ever say it, because no one can relate to that. | ||
| And I've always said, man, my farts were so fucking loud. | ||
| That's because your other friends are grown-ups. | ||
| Did you have a scientist on here yesterday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've had many scientists on here. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Biologists and shit, people looking for lost species. | ||
| Hey, do you let the water on the bidet go into your asshole sometimes? | ||
| Right in there, and I have to shit. | ||
| And then it goes out, you can almost flush it out? | ||
| If I have a shit that's kind of halfway stuck, I'll go take a shit, and then I start cleaning. | ||
| I'm like, I think there's more up there. | ||
| And so I'll just really concentrate that jet right in my butthole. | ||
| And it gets in there, and all of a sudden, yikes! | ||
| It's like there was a castaway. | ||
| There was some hidden shit that was trying to hang out in there. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| It breaks the O-ring. | ||
| You take a sloppy shit and you're like... | ||
| And then you let it run a full cycle. | ||
| Full cycle. | ||
| And then you wipe and there's something still there. | ||
| You're like, I got problems. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This would have been a problem in 97. That's a problem with hair. | |
| Sometimes I wipe it with hair and the width of the smear is so disgusting that I just take a shower. | ||
| I go straight to shower. | ||
| Shit showers are good. | ||
| You shit shower all the time. | ||
| You go with no wiping. | ||
| No wipe. | ||
| You're fucking ill. | ||
| I wipe first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because it's too much. | ||
| I don't want shit in the floor and the toilet paper. | ||
| You don't leave it there. | ||
| It goes down. | ||
| You're fucking out of your mind. | ||
| You're not cleaning it good, though. | ||
| Cleaning what? | ||
| You don't clean the floor. | ||
| You got shit bacteria on your floor. | ||
| Stomp, stomp. | ||
| Stomp in the drain. | ||
| Joey Diaz was telling me a story once about how he had to take a shit, so he took his shit in the bathtub, and then he had to smush it with his foot to go down the drain, and it all wouldn't go down. | ||
| And that's when it's too fat to use the toilet. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| He told me a few times. | ||
| Do you remember those logs? | ||
| He used to leave logs and he'd say, come look at this. | ||
| And he would go in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| When he was really big. | ||
| His ass pushed him from the front of the toilet so he couldn't get all the way back there. | ||
| So his giant shits would land on the beach in front of the water. | ||
| They didn't land on the water. | ||
| So they never really flushed. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So you just see them and they're like... | ||
| He sends me photos. | ||
| All the time! | ||
| Now that he texts, he's texting like a fucking ninth grader. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He's like, yo, you see the monkey on this chick? | ||
| Yeah, he sends me pictures. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Dude, my shits in Colombia, from all the just the greasy, oily, banuelos and chicharrones, it was the, first of all, many times a day, and it was this, it was just, probably helps. | ||
| Like, softer, like, it was like if you fed a puppy too many treats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Ha ha ha! | ||
| Bro, when Marsha was a puppy, one thing that happens to some dogs is when their babies would try to eat their shit. | ||
| And so he was shitting and trying to eat it at the same time. | ||
| So he'd spin around in a circle and try to bite it as it was coming out of the hole. | ||
| He was trying to eat it right out of the tap. | ||
| Right out of his ass. | ||
| Joey told me one time that he was about shitting in the shower. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, it was great. | ||
| I did it all the time. | ||
| I was like, you fucking... | ||
| Sit in the shower? | ||
| And he's like, yeah. | ||
| That's too much for me. | ||
| He's like, if it's like a log, I just shit, and then I just toss it to the toilet. | ||
| And I was like, come on. | ||
| Oh, no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he said that. | |
| How much practice has he ever done that? | ||
| He must have missed before. | ||
| You throw a crumpled piece of paper, and you go for the can, and you miss. | ||
| Oh, missing that. | ||
| Missing would be so... | ||
| He said that, I go, did you stop? | ||
| That's so fucking revolting. | ||
| He goes, he's like, I had to. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, my wife saw me do it one time, and she said, no more. | |
| My wife saw me do it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
With shit in her hand, like, I gotta explain. | |
| Throwing shit? | ||
| Oh my god, it's hilarious. | ||
| I didn't want to leave in the bathtub. | ||
| I farted once in the shower, and I shit all over the place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I wasn't feeling that good. | ||
| I farted just all over the floor. | ||
| But I have one of those handheld jammies. | ||
| Rinse it down. | ||
| Rinse it down. | ||
| I was in that shower for like a half an hour. | ||
| And then I squirt shampoo all over the bottom. | ||
| This will do it. | ||
| This will clean it. | ||
| It's a murder scene. | ||
| And then I left, and then I came back in just to get a fresh smell of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because, you know, all factory senses are weird because they don't detect smell. | ||
| They detect changes in smell. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's why people in Pennsylvania who live near those cattle ranches... | ||
| Oh, they don't smell anymore. | ||
| They don't smell shit anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because if you go to... | ||
| Like, my parents used to live in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, and I used to go to drive to visit them from the city. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| There's a stretch that you drive that's all just cattle ranches and just horrible fucking smell. | ||
| I'll be there on the Birdie Boy Tour. | ||
| It's a great town. | ||
| It smells like what? | ||
| They'll be happy there. | ||
| It smells like death and shit. | ||
| Because two things that are happening there. | ||
| Slaughterhouses and fucking cow shit. | ||
| So you just get this... | ||
| That methane stuff that they talk about being a contributor to greenhouse gases, that's fucking legit. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And apparently they can do something about that if they just add a certain amount of seaweed to a cow's diet. | ||
| You just blew my mind. | ||
| So... | ||
| Smell is, it's the change in smell that you notice. | ||
| It's not the smell. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's why people stink. | ||
| Don't notice they stink. | ||
| That's also why when you smoke a joint, you don't notice it. | ||
| But everybody else around you, they come, oh my god, you guys are high as fuck. | ||
| They come in the room and they smell weed. | ||
| Why Indian people can live in Indian people's homes. | ||
| Oh, you piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Bro, it's curry. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| I had Indian food tonight. | ||
| I love Indian food. | ||
| First time I ever had... | ||
| I never had Indian food when I was in Russia. | ||
| We got lap dances from these strippers, and they had all eaten Indian food. | ||
| I'd never smelled curry before, so I'd only grow up in Florida. | ||
| We didn't have Indian restaurants, and I lived in Tallahassee. | ||
| And the smell was so disgusting. | ||
| I was like, these are the most disgusting smelling women I've ever been with. | ||
| Cut to, probably 15 years later, I'm having dinner with my wife. | ||
| First time I ever had Indian food. | ||
| And they bring it, while we walk in the restaurant and I go, dude, this smells like a Russian hooker. | ||
| I'm about to come in my pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I realized, oh, Bushman Indian food. | |
| Oh my God, that's hilarious. | ||
| So that blows my mind. | ||
| It's just the change in smell that you notice. | ||
| That's why when you fart. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You smell it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was fucking awesome, Matt. | |
| You smell for a second, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you're also... | |
| All factory senses are designed to detect changes. | ||
| You're not... | ||
| Your body... | ||
| Your brain sends a signal to you that you smell. | ||
| To be ready for it. | ||
| And that's why it doesn't affect you as much as someone else's. | ||
| No, there's something about... | ||
| No, you're ready for it. | ||
| This fucking is blowing my mind right now. | ||
| That's why people that smell don't know they smell. | ||
| Well, there's also a thing about your farts that smell good to you, because there's something in your brain that triggers that you're having a relief. | ||
| It's like there's a build-up, and then you smell the smell, and it's like, ah. | ||
| Because it signifies the relief. | ||
| You know that feeling when you have to fart? | ||
| It's like, oh, when you're in your car, and you fart, and then you start wafting the smell up to you, like, oh, not bad. | ||
| Bro, I'll fart in a pillow and take it to the face. | ||
| I love my farts. | ||
| Do you ever do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take it down. | |
| Do you ever fart in your bed and your wife is in the bathroom and you're like, oh my god, I gotta get a pillow out. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's when I go, that's when I hold it down and I go, hey, do me a favor. | ||
| You're a bad person. | ||
| Tom and I are good people. | ||
| Tom and I are good people. | ||
| I know what I do is I do more theatrical stuff. | ||
| I'll take this to the next one. | ||
| I want to hear your story first. | ||
| I'll do leg kicks as I fart, or I'll pull my legs back like I'm changing my diaper kind of position. | ||
| She doesn't like it at all. | ||
| She doesn't like it at all. | ||
| My mom today farted for like 12 seconds. | ||
| I was like, give me a fucking heads up if you're going to do this. | ||
| That one that your mom did when you caught her in the kitchen and then she turns and looks at you. | ||
| You need to take her to a doctor. | ||
| There might be something going on. | ||
| Standard operating procedure. | ||
| A foot of extra intestines? | ||
| All life, yes. | ||
| I'm telling you, today she broke it easily. | ||
| And I go, why don't you fucking tell me so I can record it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she goes, give me $150,000. | |
| 150? | ||
| I'll give her 150 for that video. | ||
| It's pretty impressive. | ||
| Hold on, let's hear this. | ||
| Go from the beginning. | ||
| Hold on, before you play, were you just randomly filming her? | ||
| You weren't thinking it was coming, were you? | ||
| No, no, here's what's happened. | ||
| I said something about, I go, yeah, you think you have one? | ||
| And she thought we were just like bantering. | ||
| You think you have one fart? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I saw her just turn, and I go, oh, I think she might. | ||
| And, you know, the beauty of these things is, like, pull it out, and I just hit the camera from the lock screen, and then she just didn't know. | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is the loop. | |
| This is the loop. | ||
| The look on her face when she turns around and she sees that camera pointed at her. | ||
| Slow motion. | ||
| She's smiling right there. | ||
| She's smiling right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't know my son anymore. | |
| You don't know my son. | ||
| You don't know my son anymore. | ||
| Oh, and I made merch that said, you don't know my son anymore. | ||
| And I would send it to the house. | ||
| She got so mad. | ||
| I don't know if I said it anymore. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She's the Argentinian? | ||
| She's Peruvian. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| Best one I ever did is, when the girls were little, like babies, I farted in a McDonald's cup, and I put my hand over it, and I went... | ||
| Like a Scooby-Doo? | ||
| Scream? | ||
| Poison your babies? | ||
| I go, girls, I just caught a butterfly. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| And I look... | ||
| Both of them are like, I don't sell that. | ||
| Like, literally immediately. | ||
| You did it to me once at the Irvine Improv. | ||
| Oh, it's a good one. | ||
| Did you really capture a fart in a cup? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He let out like a... | ||
| You know when it's like hot death? | ||
| Yeah, when you feel warm. | ||
| It's warm, and then you're like... | ||
| It's also rotten. | ||
| This is like a rotten one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| I was across the lobby from him in the club, and he was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come here, come here, come here. | |
| Like, he signaled, like, I gotta tell you something. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| And I ran up, and, like, it just hit me like a brick to the face. | ||
| Like, it was... | ||
| Dude, I have sometimes with my stomach... | ||
| I told this to Tom a long time ago on our podcast. | ||
| I took a shit in Japan once that was so bad. | ||
| The guy in the stall next to me threw up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER We were in Japan. | |
| I thought he was talking to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, I don't know what you're saying. | |
| No Japanese. | ||
| By the way, that's happened twice. | ||
| It happened once in Denver. | ||
| I made people throw up. | ||
| There's something so strange about public toilets where you're shitting inches away from some other person's shitting. | ||
| Especially airports. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Airports, international shits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, when it's like 30 of you just sitting there. | ||
| You all came from eating in different countries. | ||
| Different bacteria. | ||
| That's what's so strange about those hookup spots for some creepy gay dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where they would find a spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you believe that? | |
| Like, yeah. | ||
| They meet in toilets. | ||
| Like, remember there was that one... | ||
| Was it a senator? | ||
| They got busted? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Minnesota. | ||
| Minnesota. | ||
| Wait, wasn't he from Idaho? | ||
| But it was in Minnesota. | ||
| It was in Minnesota. | ||
| But he was a senator from Idaho. | ||
| And he goes, no, I was just tapping to see if he was there. | ||
| He's the creepiest guy. | ||
| Craig, I think, was his last name. | ||
| He's the one who said, when Clinton was in trouble, he was like, Clinton has been a very naughty boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dare I say, a nasty boy. | |
| The weirdest thing an adult man has ever said. | ||
| I know you want to look at Clinton, but we're looking at you now. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Somebody who says it like that, you know, that word selection, dare I say a nasty boy. | ||
| Well, those guys were around before the internet, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they probably had, like, there he is, Larry Craig. | ||
| Wide stance, arrest turns ten. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that was his thing. | ||
| I have a wide stance. | ||
| I got a wide stance. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He has a wide stance to go to the bathroom. | ||
| So he was putting his feet... | ||
| I overreacted and made a poor decision, Craig said, of his guilty plea. | ||
| Let me be clear. | ||
| I am not gay. | ||
| Why is he playing guilty, then? | ||
| It's just easier, Ari. | ||
| Yeah, it's easier. | ||
| Whenever I shit and people get mad at me, I just say, I'm guilty. | ||
| I'm guilty. | ||
| I'm guilty. | ||
| You know what, guys? | ||
| This is a lot easier than the paperwork. | ||
| He argued that the arresting officer misconstrued his actions. | ||
| What are the odds that you try to get an officer to suck your dick? | ||
| But here's the thing, though. | ||
| What if an officer is one of those cops that sets up speed traps? | ||
| What if you're not gay? | ||
| And he's just like, I need to make a collar. | ||
| I'm here looking for guys to suck my dick, and there's nothing. | ||
| I haven't had a single bite. | ||
| Make a collar. | ||
| He's out there trying to fish. | ||
| He's out there trying to fish and he's got a fucking stick of dynamite. | ||
| I'm just going to chuck this in the water. | ||
| Have they caught a senator? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What a fucking land. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but here's the thing. | |
| Yeah, what a land. | ||
| If you really... | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| If you really didn't do this, you definitely are not like that. | ||
| Under the divider hand motions and played footsie in an attempt to arrange a sexual encounter. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Prove that. | ||
| Prove that. | ||
| Prove what? | ||
| Prove that he's trying to arrange a sexual encounter. | ||
| Maybe he just needed toilet paper. | ||
| But they didn't. | ||
| He just pled guilty because he panicked. | ||
| Did you hear about the guy recently that got busted? | ||
| He was a pastor and he got busted trying to pay for gay sex with an Arby's card? | ||
| An Arby's card? | ||
| An Arby's card. | ||
| He pulled out the wrong card to an ARC or to an undercover officer. | ||
| He was going to pay credit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like on a sugar daddy site. | ||
| He was like, I've had a lot of sugar daddies, sugar babies. | ||
| This guy, Missouri church leader, trying to pay for sex on Grindr. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| With an Arby's card. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I guess so. | |
| He looks gay. | ||
| I think prostitution in the gay community is a different animal. | ||
| What's the D in D I'd like to fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dad? | |
| I think it's much more acceptable. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| It's more rugby rules as opposed to American football rules. | ||
| They're just like, whatever happens, man. | ||
| Let's just get the ball to that side. | ||
| Grab nuts in the scrum. | ||
| But also, like, isn't it the need for the prostitution so much less, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I feel like guys are just like, let's just fucking fuck. | |
| But old guys, here's the thing, because old guys, they want to fuck young guys. | ||
| And these young guys don't want to fuck them, but these young guys don't have a car. | ||
| They're like, hey. | ||
| I know what's up. | ||
| I know how to make something happen. | ||
| Remember that Patrice O'Neil story where he said he pulled over to a rest stop to get some sleep? | ||
| And somebody knocked on his window. | ||
| He was way off, away from where the store was. | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| And the guy was like, hi. | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| And the guy was like, oh, my bad. | ||
| He goes, you're bad? | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you doing here? | ||
| And the guy just turned and ran away. | ||
| Well, that's the spot. | ||
| Rest times. | ||
| Gay guys, before they had these apps and ways to meet up, Craigslist, they used to have little secret spots. | ||
| Rest stops were always the secret spots. | ||
| What was the singer George Michael thing, right? | ||
| It was like a park. | ||
| In Beverly Hills, right? | ||
| But you know that shit had to be bumping in the fucking 80s. | ||
| Going to that park, I'm sure every gay dude in the city was like, I'll see you in BH, man. | ||
| That has got to be the spot. | ||
| Let's go shopping afterwards, man. | ||
| How great would that be if the day after you found out about that park, you're like, wait, wait, wait, that park? | ||
| And you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, around noon. | ||
| You're like, restroom, right? | ||
| Wasn't it a restroom? | ||
| The infamous George Michael bathroom in Beverly Hills. | ||
| But it's a bathroom at a park. | ||
| Man, it's gotta be fucking rough to be gay and just try to meet guys. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Oh, in the 90s. | ||
| In the 90s, it still must have been easy. | ||
| Remember the rule was if you had a certain color handkerchief? | ||
| That meant what you were into. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you would have it out of your back pocket. | ||
| There's a day at Florida State if you wore blue jeans. | ||
| Just blue jeans. | ||
| Just blue jeans? | ||
| Yeah, it was natural coming out there. | ||
| Florida people were just trying to fuck dudes. | ||
| They should have something more specific than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a mistake waiting to happen. | ||
| What if you don't get online? | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| It's like having a t-shirt day. | ||
| And your fucking shorts are dirty. | ||
| So I'll just put my blue jeans on today. | ||
| Some guys are trying to fuck you. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, I didn't have anything else to wear. | |
| You get fucked. | ||
| Blue jeans. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| Christina went to University of San Francisco. | ||
| She said in the 90s, I think it's the Folsom Street Fair or something, she was like, guys would fist in the streets. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Fisting? | ||
| Yeah, she's like, I saw guys butt-fucking just up on a wall. | ||
| I saw two dudes butt-fucking. | ||
| The first day in New York, I went out with the editor of Us Magazine, and he took me to a gay bar in the meatpacking district, and I saw a dude, can't be alive anymore. | ||
| He had stars tattooed on his buttcheeks down to his heel like he was a big Cowboys fan, but fucking... | ||
| And I saw him get fucked in the ass, and I was fresh out of Florida State. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| On the street? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| In a bar. | ||
| It was in a bar. | ||
| He got fucked in the ass in a bar? | ||
| In a bar, just on this dude's lap. | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| Dude, I was like this. | ||
| I remember the first. | ||
| New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| I wonder if there's some gay guys that miss those days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yes! | ||
| That are like, that was when we were fucking outlaws. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| The pre-AIDS days must have been amazing. | ||
| Did you ever hear Jeff Scott, the piano player at the Comedy Store, talk about pre-AIDS? When he was in a theater troupe? | ||
| Before AIDS. And he was like, it was a fuck fest. | ||
| I bet a lot of guys got into musicals that didn't even like musicals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So this is the deal. | |
| I gotta learn how to sing. | ||
| Chicago's not that bad. | ||
| They probably just had to find a spot. | ||
| Had to find a spot. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Where's the spot? | ||
| Where do we go? | ||
| How many guys wear cologne that actually like cologne? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| They're wearing cologne because they think it might, in some way, up their chance of getting laid. | ||
| My rationale has always been, any girl that will only fuck you because you're wearing cologne, don't fuck that girl. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a mess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're making a mistake. | ||
| You know, the thing is about cologne, speaking of change in your smell... | ||
| I feel like I can go a long stretch now without picking up on... | ||
| No, cologne. | ||
| I'll feel like I don't run into any... | ||
| And then all of a sudden, a fucking Uber driver or someone, and you're like, Jesus! | ||
| Or you get on an elevator, and you're like, Dude, where are you from? | ||
| I love those people who are wearing this shit for. | ||
| They're trying to cover something else. | ||
| You just got here? | ||
| We don't do that here, man. | ||
| You don't wear cologne. | ||
| Cologne? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, fuck no. | ||
| I wear deodorant, though. | ||
| That's a business I would not invest in, is Burt Kreischer cologne. | ||
| I just started using toothpaste again. | ||
| It smells like clean feet. | ||
| Soap. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I don't like toothpaste. | ||
| It fucking creeps me out. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, toothpaste bothers me. | ||
| What do you brush your teeth with? | ||
| Soap. | ||
| No way. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Yeah, I'd like to... | ||
| Dude, look, this is a long unpacking story. | ||
| That's the right reaction. | ||
| I don't have real teeth, so it doesn't matter. | ||
| No, I mean your mouth. | ||
| Like, you have a real tongue, right? | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Don't glance over the real teeth. | ||
| What happened to your teeth? | ||
| I got a hit in the mouth with a baseball bat. | ||
| You got a hit in the mouth with a baseball bat. | ||
| We just talked about this the other day, yeah. | ||
| Who hit you? | ||
| My dad. | ||
| Look, it was... | ||
| No, I'm joking. | ||
| It was a kid in the game. | ||
| It was the kid batting. | ||
| Accident. | ||
| No, he was trying to break up the play. | ||
| He was a black kid. | ||
| He was sick of you talking to him like that. | ||
| That's where it started. | ||
| I was a catcher, and it was a pass ball. | ||
| I blocked it. | ||
| I picked it up. | ||
| Threw my helmet off. | ||
| Threw it down to third, and the kid tried to break up the play and brought the bat back. | ||
| Hit me in the mouth. | ||
| Knocked out... | ||
| Fucked up 26 of my teeth. | ||
| Wait, I actually forgot to ask you this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| In that part of the story. | ||
| Yeah, my 11th birthday. | ||
| You're playing catcher. | ||
| You throw the ball to make the play at what? | ||
| Third. | ||
| Kid was stealing second to go to third. | ||
| So the batter has already swung. | ||
| He already swung. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And now? | ||
| He brings the bat back into my mouth. | ||
| Oh, like he just... | ||
| Brought it back into my mouth. | ||
| He thought on the spot, he's like, oh, maybe I'll pretend it's my full motion. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, and brought it back into my mouth. | ||
| You did it on purpose? | ||
| You know, man, I never talked to the kid at all. | ||
| My teeth were on home plate. | ||
| You want to get real about this? | ||
| You want to talk about parenting? | ||
| My dad came out. | ||
| He's like, buddy, it's going to be okay. | ||
| Your mom's here. | ||
| We had a birthday party planned for him. | ||
| It was my birthday. | ||
| And he came out, and in his hand, he had my fielder's glove. | ||
| And I went... | ||
| I was trying to... | ||
| He goes, take off the gear. | ||
| Drew's going to catch. | ||
| Go over to shortstop. | ||
| And I was like, I don't have any teeth. | ||
| He was like, yeah, but if I take you out now, we lose the game because I can't sub before the fifth inning, so go over and finish the game. | ||
| And I go, I don't have any teeth. | ||
| He goes, don't you... | ||
| My dad's a good dad. | ||
| He's not a bad guy, but he was like, hey, don't fucking cry. | ||
| Go out, finish the inning. | ||
| It's one out. | ||
| It's one out, and then we'll take you to the hospital. | ||
| So I went over to shortstop. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Stuff like that, I think, turns you... | ||
| Stuff like that teaches you... | ||
| It either breaks you or fucks you up as a guy, or it makes you stronger as a guy. | ||
| What do you think it did to you? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I've had a lot of those moments with my dad where it's like, be a fucking man, and I'm glad he did it, because there's certain things. | ||
| That, though? | ||
| Man, I remember being at... | ||
| That's not like a suck it up moment. | ||
| That's like a, no, no, no, it's over. | ||
| The game's over. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| The game's over. | ||
| You might have a broken jaw. | ||
| Everybody go home. | ||
| If your teeth get knocked out, it's very likely there's some fractures in your jaw, and that could get infected. | ||
| It's like a rush to get to the hospital as quick as possible. | ||
| Do you think your dad was having some sort of PTSD? You're not in a world title fight. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Joe, I was sitting at a shortstop. | ||
| I was sitting at a shortstop going, this doesn't seem fair. | ||
| This seems like bad parenting. | ||
| My dad's like, if I take you out now, we lose the game. | ||
| I don't want to shit on your dad. | ||
| He was like, I'll give you some Titos. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| I don't think I think I'm fine. | ||
| I don't know what you guys are talking about. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm used to seeing people get fucked up, and I think I'd have a real problem with that. | ||
| I think it's a different era. | ||
| It's a different era. | ||
| I would panic if I saw that. | ||
| I don't know if it was that different. | ||
| I brought it up to my dad before. | ||
| He laughs it off, and he goes, you weren't that bad. | ||
| Can I ask you a question? | ||
| Who won the game? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I wasn't there. | ||
| I went to Dr. Boza. | ||
| Spent the rest of the day getting my teeth fixed. | ||
| How long did it take before they fixed your teeth? | ||
| Fucking 20 years. | ||
| It took forever. | ||
| It was a long period. | ||
| Ninth grade, in college, everything was fixed. | ||
| That was 11. In ninth grade, I had a smile I was comfortable with. | ||
| But yeah, I just have fucked up teeth. | ||
| So it took like three years before you had a smile you were comfortable with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So what was it before then? | ||
| It was like spotty caps. | ||
| Cosmetic dental. | ||
| Oh, it was terrible back then. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| So it was like, I want to say, this sounds horrible. | ||
| I want to feel like it was plastic caps. | ||
| It wasn't like, they stained really easy. | ||
| And I had like two, and then these were broken, and then At one point, I just had four teeth that looked okay. | ||
| I mean, there are people listening right now that are going through this, but you just cover your smile at times, and you don't enjoy life as much. | ||
| Smile with your mouth closed. | ||
| You smile with your mouth closed. | ||
| You're like, that's funny. | ||
| It's really funny to think of you like that. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| I think that's why I am who I am, is when I got teeth, I was like, fuck yeah! | ||
| And I was laughing. | ||
| Your teeth look perfect now. | ||
| Thank you so much, Joe. | ||
| Do they get stained by coffee or anything? | ||
| Very badly. | ||
| We were talking about this the other day. | ||
| Fuckface over here decides his new game he wants to play is Shame My Mouth. | ||
| Shame My Mouth? | ||
| That sounds like something Larry Craig would play. | ||
| This is so funny because this is the opposite of what I was doing! | ||
| No, him and his fucking evil Nazi wife. | ||
| Come up with these fucking game plans of ways to just get the focus away from my talent as a comedian and find something else to fucking focus on. | ||
| But I was going to get my teeth all redone this month. | ||
| And then I thought, I don't like those dudes or celebrities with bright white smiles that you go, you just got your teeth done. | ||
| You look fucking different. | ||
| They can make them not like that, by the way. | ||
| But now they can. | ||
| If you get veneers now, they do shades of... | ||
| I want regular man teeth. | ||
| When you see a man, he's got regular teeth... | ||
| Yeah, like you got regular fucking teeth. | ||
| I got crooked teeth. | ||
| Your teeth look normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have no problem with my teeth whatsoever. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| I wouldn't mind a couple of them, getting them shaded out to match everything else, but I got one dark one. | ||
| I got one, yeah. | ||
| But it's from smoking cigars and drinking coffee. | ||
| It's a dead tooth, and then that one tooth is kind of gray. | ||
| I know somebody with that. | ||
| Dead teeth are weird. | ||
| Like a prominent dead tooth, and you just want to be like, why do you have a car? | ||
| You should fix this first. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Take Uber everywhere and get your teeth done. | ||
| Yeah, the dead teeth are weird, right? | ||
| It's like there's something about, it signals to you there's something wrong with that person. | ||
| Like you see a person with a missing tooth. | ||
| You're like, ooh, what other shit decisions are you making? | ||
| Well, I know that like a lot of people would, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's the thing is that it's like one of the first things you notice. | ||
| You notice somebody if they have a wonky eye, for sure, and then teeth. | ||
| Dead teeth. | ||
| Yeah, dead teeth. | ||
| But a lot of people, you know, it is expensive, you know, to address that. | ||
| But my thing has always been when somebody is like, you know, something about dental, they'll go, you know, well, it's whatever, thousands of dollars. | ||
| I go, go into debt. | ||
| Like, you should go, you should buy debt right now. | ||
| Yeah, your life might improve. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's worth it. | ||
| It's worth it to pay that off. | ||
| Up your earning potential. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Do you know who Jessa Reed is? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know her. | ||
| She got one of the best stories that's been on Ari's show. | ||
| Comic, addicted to meth. | ||
| She found out that when you pee, when you're on meth, that there's a percentage of meth in your pee. | ||
| So she was like, liquid gold. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| She told a story on Ari's podcast, and it's a great story. | ||
| Well, that's the thing with mushrooms, you know. | ||
| When you trip balls, if you drink your piss, you'll trip even harder. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of psilocybin goes right through your piss. | ||
| You can also... | ||
| Have you done this? | ||
| I'll just do more mushrooms. | ||
| That's a better move. | ||
| Counterpoint! | ||
| Yeah, there she is. | ||
| So Jessa had all fake teeth because they'd all fallen out from meth. | ||
| Damn, she's pretty. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| And she's fucking hilarious. | ||
| So she did my podcast and told the story. | ||
| And this is what's beautiful about podcasts. | ||
| Some dentist in Portland was like, yo, I can do it for free. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Flew her up. | ||
| Or she flew her up. | ||
| He did her whole fucking mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I wish I knew that guy's name. | ||
| I'd give him a shout out. | ||
| Text her. | ||
| Text her and give that dude a shout out. | ||
| That's cool shit. | ||
| It's no money out of his pocket. | ||
| It's his time. | ||
| And he's like, ah, you know what? | ||
| You made me laugh for fucking two hours on Bert's podcast. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's very cool. | ||
| I love stories like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why do I feel worse when hot girls become addicted to meth? | ||
| Because you see the potential ruin, man. | ||
| It's just like a fucking great young fighter that gets into coke and crack or something. | ||
| Yeah, you see the potential. | ||
| Not some little scratchy dude. | ||
| Because you know how good her life could be, basically. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If she could become a fitness influencer, just do squats and yoga pants. | ||
| How good is that gig? | ||
| That's a great gig. | ||
| What? | ||
| The fucking... | ||
| Those gals make a lot of money. | ||
| The hot influencer. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's certain girls that just have... | ||
| Crazy money. | ||
| I got some style and I'm cute. | ||
| Here's the thing, though. | ||
| They are changing what a hot ass looks like. | ||
| Who, who? | ||
| Standards, like on Instagram, because of these influencer girls. | ||
| And everyone's trying to keep up with that. | ||
| Oh my god, there's certain girls that are just in the gym every fucking day trying to figure out new ways to make their ass pop. | ||
| In the fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what is a good ass now? | ||
| I mean, in the 70s, all you had to do was just be there. | ||
| Not be huge. | ||
| Yeah, but asses didn't mean anything. | ||
| You should have seen these fucking reggaeton girls in Colombia with their asses. | ||
| What's that word? | ||
| Reggaeton. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It's like a type of music. | ||
| Oh, like reggae? | ||
| No, reggaeton. | ||
| Reggaeton? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you heard that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I don't hang out with 25-year-olds. | ||
| 25-year-olds. | ||
| It's fucking old people do it there. | ||
| Brady Smith. | ||
| Brady Smith DDS. Holla at Brady Smith. | ||
| Oh, how'd you do that? | ||
| Because Jamie's a wizard. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Savior of just a smile. | ||
| Thank you, Brady Smith. | ||
| Where does he live? | ||
| We should post his... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does he live in Portland? | ||
| Dox him! | ||
| Dox that motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's he at? | |
| Portland. | ||
| Brady Smith from Portland. | ||
| Folks, if you listen to this and you need some dental work done, go to that guy. | ||
| Look, he's a handsome fella. | ||
| What a fucking good guy. | ||
| Yeah, what a good guy. | ||
| He's got a podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, shout out to his podcast. | |
| It's called Drilled. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| It's called Drilled. | ||
| It's called Drilled? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he does. | |
| Oh my god, his podcast is called Drilled. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| He does a podcast with... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He gets them fucked up on laughing gas. | ||
| He does a podcast. | ||
| He does a podcast that just makes you want to kill yourself. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| That is so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got a check out of these people while it was operating on them. | |
| So what do you do for fun when you were young? | ||
| If you go back to when asses didn't mean anything, what was the shift? | ||
| Was it Sir Mix-a-Lot? | ||
| Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Daisy Dukes, right? | ||
| No, because she didn't have an ass. | ||
| She had great legs, but Catherine Bach did not have an ass. | ||
| When I heard Baby Got Back, This Is How White I Am, I was like, wait, you like big ass? | ||
| It was so foreign to me. | ||
| I like big butts and I cannot lie. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Who the fuck likes that? | ||
| Well, that just shows you how segregated this country is. | ||
| When that song came out, people would be like, well, black people like that. | ||
| They would tell you, that's what black people like. | ||
| But then white people like that. | ||
| Well, yeah, of course. | ||
| But that's not that long ago. | ||
| It's not that long ago, but it is. | ||
| No! | ||
| Do you remember the gang in that song? | ||
| Look, everything else stayed the same. | ||
| What are girls like? | ||
| Girls like guys with big muscles, guys who are tall, guys with six-packs. | ||
| It's all the same. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what a That's a girl's view date. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this! | |
| I just have to do it around the room to find out why we got girls. | ||
| Guys with big personalities who are in a cup. | ||
| Listen, if you want to ask a girl what the perfect body is, she would say a guy who's like 6'3" with a big chest and big arms and a six pack and a big hog. | ||
| Call Christina right now and see if that's what she says! | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's asleep. | |
| Listen, we're not talking about your wives. | ||
| We're talking about a girl who has no emotional connection to someone. | ||
| If you asked her, write down on paper, Ryan Reynolds, right? | ||
| That's what she'd say. | ||
| Jason Momoa. | ||
| Some contractor-looking dude. | ||
| It's the same. | ||
| It was that way in the 70s. | ||
| It's that way now. | ||
| The thing that changed with men is asses. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No one was into asses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| It's amazing! | ||
| I saw an ass coming into Petco yesterday that was fucking insane, and I was like, I never would have been into that as a kid. | ||
| What are you showing me here, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says Jane Fonda. | |
| Brought it up in the 70s. | ||
| That's Jane Fonda's now? | ||
| You can't really see it, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just from the side. | |
| Athletic female butt. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| That's a trick. | ||
| You can't see it. | ||
| Ah, get away. | ||
| You gotta see it standing up. | ||
| That's just not big. | ||
| That's a great question. | ||
| And a fucking Instagram influencer would be ashamed of that butt. | ||
| They liked flat ones in the 60s. | ||
| Who's the girl? | ||
| Jen Seltzer? | ||
| Is that the girl who's got the most insane fucking ass on Instagram? | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| She's one of them, but there's no one girl anymore. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| There's ass implants now. | ||
| Yeah, that's a mess. | ||
| It looks weird. | ||
| Girls are getting cancer from that. | ||
| Implants, no good. | ||
| Do you remember on MTV they had a show called True Life and there was a guy that got calf implants? | ||
| Do you remember that by any chance? | ||
| No. | ||
| I remember that so vividly. | ||
| I do remember that from True Life. | ||
| And I was like, what a fucking... | ||
| As someone who's never had all those muscles, I would always seek those guys and be like, I'd rather not... | ||
| I saw that as such a pathetic thing to do. | ||
| You have a foreign body that's sticking inside of you. | ||
| The real problem with that is the same thing that happens to some women when they get breast implants, they get cancer. | ||
| Girls are getting that in their ass now. | ||
| There's new instances of ass cancer that are directly caused by these ass implants. | ||
| The ass implants, I mean, that is obviously probably the more important statistic. | ||
| I don't think they look good. | ||
| Imagine you get ass cancer. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Imagine getting ass cancer because you're too lazy to do squats. | ||
| Don't you find it almost more permissible, forgivable in a way to say, this woman's getting breast implants. | ||
| You go, okay. | ||
| But if a guy's like, oh, I got pec implants. | ||
| Just do fucking push-ups. | ||
| I know a dude who had pec implants. | ||
| He had a bunch of stuff done. | ||
| I know a guy who got pecking pants, and you know what I did when I saw him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Something that I never do, which is pat him on the chest, and I didn't know he had surgery the day before, and I was like, good to see. | ||
| He was like, basically almost started weeping. | ||
| And that's the only reason no one wants to confess that. | ||
| The guy that I know killed himself. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he was getting a bunch of plastic surgery, and I'm just killing himself. | ||
| This guy should. | ||
| He's the fucking... | ||
| You know Tommy Morrison got pec implants? | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Tommy Gunn? | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| Tommy Morrison went off the deep end. | ||
| He got HIV positive. | ||
| He was doing all kinds of crazy drugs. | ||
| And he got pec implants and they were preposterous. | ||
| Jamie, I know you're on this. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's him after we won a fight. | ||
| HIV positive with pec implants. | ||
| That looks horrible. | ||
| Yeah, but there's even worse pictures. | ||
| But look at the picture of him when he didn't have them. | ||
| Right there, right? | ||
| No, he probably had them there. | ||
| That's pec implants. | ||
| Yeah, those are pec implants. | ||
| That's when he didn't have them. | ||
| That's when he fought George Foreman. | ||
| He was fucking jacked when he was young. | ||
| I mean, he looked fantastic. | ||
| Damn, he punched George Foreman. | ||
| Did he win that fight? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| He beat George Foreman. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
George Foreman was 74. George Foreman was like 55. Dude, he was still murking people. | |
| He won a decision over George Foreman, which is a substantial victory. | ||
| He's like the chicken of boxing. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Remember chicken? | ||
| The comic? | ||
| No, he beat some good guys, man. | ||
| He beat Razor Ruddock. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| He beat Razor Ruddock. | ||
| He stopped him, dropped him with a big left hook. | ||
| Tommy Marsden had a nasty left hook. | ||
| He just couldn't win the big fight, and he got destroyed by Ray Mercer after Rocky. | ||
| Look at that picture of him after he got arrested. | ||
| See that picture right next to your cursor? | ||
| Above that, Jamie, right there. | ||
| That's him on the right-hand side, HIV positive, all fucked up after he got arrested. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did he ever get AIDS? He looked like he was... | ||
| He died? | ||
| I think he died of AIDS. But that was with him. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| He was falling apart. | ||
| His life was over. | ||
| I mean, he would just... | ||
| 44? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He died real young. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that was him at 44. He looks like a seven-year-old man. | ||
| He died at 44? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was not doing good, man. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| He got addicted to all kinds of drugs and it was just, you know, his health fell apart. | ||
| It was not good. | ||
| I wish someone would do a documentary on chicken. | ||
| He got famous. | ||
| I mean, Tommy Morrison got famous. | ||
| He was a good boxer, like a really good boxer. | ||
| And then he got famous from that Rocky movie, and then his whole life fell apart. | ||
| He was so good in that movie. | ||
| Dude, I remember we were in high school when that movie was out, and we were standing up in the aisles, like going, come on, come on, rock! | ||
| It was a good fucking movie. | ||
| It was a good boxing movie. | ||
| He was a good actor in it. | ||
| There's always a thing, though, right? | ||
| If a white boxer is decent, there's a great white hope kind of factor to it. | ||
| Except Russians. | ||
| See, Vadovich Klitschko held the title forever, and no one gave a fuck. | ||
| Right, because he's not American. | ||
| Well, he wasn't American, and also he had kind of a boring style. | ||
| But that's him in the movie. | ||
| But in real life, he was a very good boxer up until the time that he did that Rocky movie. | ||
| But I think Pussy was just like, they were putting Pussy in slingshots and just shooting it at him. | ||
| I mean, he was a handsome guy. | ||
| He was a movie star. | ||
| And people thought that he was going to be the next heavyweight champion in the world. | ||
| Did you ever see the Ray Mercer fight? | ||
| Oh, cue that up. | ||
| Because it's one of the most brutal knockouts. | ||
| Just cue up Ray Mercer KO's Tommy Morrison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It is fucking horrible. | ||
| I mean, it is one of the worst, because he gets tangled in the ropes. | ||
| And he keeps hitting them? | ||
| I was watching with my friend Kevin. | ||
| We were at a bar, and we were watching it. | ||
| And just go to the part where he gets KO'd. | ||
| Go to the end? | ||
| It's fucking rough, man. | ||
| He gets caught. | ||
| He gets, before that. | ||
| Before that. | ||
| Way before that. | ||
| He gets... | ||
| Yeah, so he gets... | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Before... | |
| Just go right before this. | ||
| So Ray Mercer... | ||
| He started getting tired and Ray Mercer catches him in the corner and he unloads on him and Tommy Morrison's arms get tangled in the rope so he can't go down. | ||
| Like, look at this. | ||
| See, he's tangled in the ropes. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| I mean, it was one of the worst KOs I ever remember seeing. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I mean, Ray Mercer was a murderous puncher. | ||
| Just teeing off on him. | ||
| He was an Olympic gold medalist. | ||
| Damn, late stoppage. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| The referee was scared to get in there. | ||
| That's the 90s for you, huh? | ||
| Referee was scared to get in there. | ||
| And Ray Mercer was, back then, top flight. | ||
| Like, no one's cheering. | ||
| Is Ray Mercer the one who fought that white MMA guy? | ||
| Yeah, Tim Sylvia KO'd him with one punch. | ||
| And that was a rough one, too, because they were supposed to have a boxing match and Tim Sylvia kicked his leg. | ||
| Yeah, they both agreed, though. | ||
| Like, it's MMA, but we're not going to kick. | ||
| This is why the commission wouldn't allow it to be a boxing match, because Ray Mercer was a world champion in Olympic gold medals, and Tim Sylvia did not have an MMA fight, or did not have a boxing fight. | ||
| A boxing fight. | ||
| But he was, you know, a very high-level MMA fighter, but he was past his prime. | ||
| So they decided to have... | ||
| They called it an MMA fight. | ||
| Ray Mercer was, I think he was 40. They had a gentleman's agreement. | ||
| I think Ray Mercer was 46 at a time. | ||
| So here's a gentleman's agreement. | ||
| Look at the look at his face. | ||
| Like, come on, man. | ||
| You just said we're not going to do that. | ||
| It's just natural. | ||
| Watch him setting this up. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| And then he gets on top of him and goes, oh, I've never been able to do this before. | ||
| But I mean, the whole fight takes a few seconds. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| That is a hammer of a punch. | ||
| That's a slow fall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, it was already way past Tim Sylvia's prime. | ||
| Tim Sylvia, when he was young, he was a fucking animal. | ||
| He was the one that let his arm get broken. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I remember watching that. | ||
| He wanted to keep fighting. | ||
| Frank Mir broke his arm. | ||
| I remember one of my first fights I ever went to. | ||
| And it was when you could just kind of move up until people sat in the front. | ||
| You could just sit there, you know, like a baseball game. | ||
| And then Tim Silver was there, and Tate was there with me. | ||
| And he said hi to him, and he was wearing his belt. | ||
| And it might be my first ever fight. | ||
| He had a championship belt. | ||
| And I was like, later to Tate, I was like, are they supposed to wear their belts out? | ||
| And he goes, no, he just does that. | ||
| Tim Silley wore that belt everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wore gloves. | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| He's the heavyweight champion of the world. | ||
| Just wears his belt, adds his belt. | ||
| Look, man, when you're the heavyweight champion of the world, you can do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| You want to bring that thing everywhere? | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Bring it everywhere. | ||
| That would be an interesting book, Ari, is to hear maybe you and the group that... | ||
| Joe's experience with MMA has been so different, but I would love to hear an outsider's view as an insider on the growth of MMA. How it was, but then... | ||
| UFC. Yeah, because you guys were going to fights... | ||
| Oh yeah, early days. | ||
| It was barbaric. | ||
| You saw some early fights, right? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| How many fights do you think you've been to? | ||
| 30, 50? | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| He's been to fights in other countries, Australia, Brazil, fucking everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| When we started going, the weigh-ins was just the fight camps. | ||
| It was just the people who were with the fighters and then like 10 fans. | ||
| Yeah, I would announce the weigh-ins. | ||
| There was no one there. | ||
| I went to a weigh-in that fucking 10,000-12,000 people went to. | ||
| I forget which one it was. | ||
| Yeah, it changed. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| When did it change? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's been gradual. | ||
| 2005 was really when everything shifted. | ||
| Wait, if we go to that McGregor fight, can I go see like a weigh-in and stuff? | ||
| See everything, man. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Come with me. | ||
| Yeah, I'll bring you backstage everywhere. | ||
| I want to go so bad. | ||
| I've never been to one. | ||
| I feel like someone said, you know a lot about MMA. I go, I know a lot of names. | ||
| I know everything it seems like, but it's just from listening to the podcast. | ||
| Never been to a fight. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Oh, they're fun. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You should take an edible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's six hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's six hours. | ||
| That's me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this is the best one. | ||
| This is Ari and Duncan making out because they knew the camera was on them. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Bing. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Look at the white in their faces! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never been to one and I went one not knowing what to expect at all. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| And being there definitely is an experience. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| It's completely different. | ||
| My favorite part always is when they play the Who song. | ||
| In between the prelims and the weigh-ins. | ||
| And the main event. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The thing is about a fight is that a fight is inherently exciting, but the energy of those arenas makes it... | ||
| Did you go with me to the one in Toronto where it was 55,000? | ||
| Were you with that one? | ||
| The craziest ones I ever went to was Rio and Columbus. | ||
| Columbus is giant. | ||
| When Tim Sylvia fought Captain America. | ||
| Oh, when he fought Randy. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And no one thought Randy would win, and then he won every round. | ||
| Randy dropped him early in the round. | ||
| Yeah, with the energy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you'll go. | ||
| I can't go because I'll be in Hawaii, Oahu, Maui, and Kauai. | ||
| Are you doing gigs out there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
15, 17, and 19. AriShaphir.com or AriTheGreat.com. | |
| Yeah, they're all there. | ||
| AriTheGreat? | ||
| Yeah, it's right after New Orleans and Atlanta. | ||
| Are you doing the Blue Note? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a great club. | ||
| In Hawaii? | ||
| Blue Note. | ||
| I would go back and do that. | ||
| You're in Hawaii. | ||
| Where's Blue Note? | ||
| Is it in Hawaii? | ||
| I mean, Maui? | ||
| It's in Oahu. | ||
| Honolulu. | ||
| Proper. | ||
| Honolulu? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a great club. | ||
| Every time I go to Hawaii, I just get drunk and lay on the beach. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| By the way, I cannot envision that. | ||
| I bet your version of that is different than my version of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I mean, I'm conscious. | ||
| I don't throw up. | ||
| Do you go for a run early in the morning so you can earn your buzz? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| Nobody tries to pour water on them and save them and drag them back into the water. | ||
| I hit the gym every day. | ||
| You never watch a woman get hit in the head by a coconut and go, shut the fuck up! | ||
| You know what I was thinking yesterday in Colombia? | ||
| Because I saw a coconut tree. | ||
| You know how they say more people die, get hit in the head by a coconut? | ||
| 150 people die every year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not true. | |
| No, 100%. | ||
| I saw a woman get hit on the fucking head by a coconut. | ||
| More than what? | ||
| What do they say? | ||
| Or is that more than what? | ||
| Marijuana? | ||
| No, no one dies of marijuana. | ||
| More than straight people getting AIDS, I think. | ||
| More people die from aspirin than coconuts. | ||
| 3,000 people in the United States every year from aspirin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aspirin? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| 150 people die. | ||
| This legend gained momentum after 2002 work of a noted expert on shark attacks. | ||
| This statistic has often been contrasted with the number of shark-caused deaths per year, which is around five. | ||
| Yeah, but nobody ever lost an arm to a coconut. | ||
| Death by coconut. | ||
| I'd rather lose an arm than be dead from a coconut. | ||
| Hang on, can I pivot this conversation and say, can we do a mid-year, sober October, mid-year, and do the surfing challenge? | ||
| You know, the surfing challenge, what we need to do is go to Kelly Slater's place and do the indoor shit. | ||
| Did you see his pipeline wave? | ||
| Yeah, it's dope. | ||
| Apparently there's one in Waco that's really crazy. | ||
| My friend Kenny Fong, he owns Darkside Motoring in Chatsworth. | ||
| Shout out to Kenny. | ||
| He fucking flew into Waco, Texas with their surfboards. | ||
| And people look at him like, what the fuck are y'all doing here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Chip and Joanna. | ||
| Waco apparently has a giant indoor surf joint, just like Kelly's place. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wait, so does Kelly's place... | ||
| Hey, look at this. | ||
| This is fucking bananas, man. | ||
| That's an indoor. | ||
| They should have like rubber sharks that come in every once in a while. | ||
| Well, I mean, not indoors, obviously. | ||
| It's manufactured, right? | ||
| Wait, so is Kelly's place out here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's like two hours from here. | ||
| Fresno. | ||
| Fresno, yeah. | ||
| Dude, Kelly did a 24-7 on HBO for Kelly Slater for him competing in this year's Triple Crown. | ||
| And it was fucking so... | ||
| It makes you... | ||
| I watched it and I was like, dude, I just... | ||
| Well, it's not fake. | ||
| It's generated by man. | ||
| But it's a real water wave. | ||
| And you can learn how to surf on these motherfuckers. | ||
| Obviously, it's going to be so uniform. | ||
| Dude, that's so much easier because you don't have to wait to get a wave. | ||
| You don't have to learn where to sit on the fucking... | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, man. | ||
| That 24-7 for Kelly Slater, everyone's got to watch it. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| That guy is such a... | ||
| I've known of him since I was probably... | ||
| Kid, man. | ||
| I'd say he was 11 years old. | ||
| Dude, we used to... | ||
| The celebrity of living where I lived was that Kelly... | ||
| Kelly Slater. | ||
| ...would surf at Sebastian Inlet. | ||
| Monster Hole. | ||
| So I was in Vero, and Sebastian's north of Vero, and they're like, Kelly Slater surfs at Sebastian. | ||
| I don't even know if it's true. | ||
| He put Cocoa Beach on the map. | ||
| I mean, Ron John was out of Cocoa Beach, but you knew Kelly Slater was Cocoa Beach. | ||
| Dude, I went to surf at Cocoa Beach. | ||
| And I was like, you go out in the lineup and you're just looking around when you're a kid going, is Kelly Slater going to be here? | ||
| I knew his name when I was fucking 12, 13. There's a certain celebrity that comes with being a wave rider, like a badass wave rider. | ||
| It's a different kind of celebrity. | ||
| It's like, that dude's a savage. | ||
| And he was not in Saved by the Bell? | ||
| No, that's different than Slater. | ||
| He was in Baywatch, though. | ||
| That's Mario Lopez, bro. | ||
| Oh, different guy. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| I'm getting it now. | ||
| Kelly Slater, the wave he caught at Pipeline. | ||
| Can you pull that up, the Pipeline? | ||
| He just caught a wave at Pipeline. | ||
| Did you see that wave? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| You've got to pull this up. | ||
| He's an amazing fucking athlete, for sure. | ||
| He's a good dude, too. | ||
| And I love that he's competitive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Of course he's a world champion. | ||
| No, but people squash that shit and they don't say it publicly. | ||
| He was on your podcast and he was talking about like, oh, I used to get obsessed with ping pong. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| Dude, is this the wave? | ||
| And he's an older guy, too, which is crazy. | ||
| What year did they have to stop doing this? | ||
| Kelly's in his 40s, right? | ||
| Gotta be. | ||
| He retired. | ||
| He won an 8th Pipe Masters. | ||
| May have retired? | ||
| If he was going to win, I think he was going to definitely retire. | ||
| He's 47 years old. | ||
| Perfect 10. Go down. | ||
| Perfect 10. That's incredible. | ||
| Go to Perfect 10. Kelly Slater, Perfect 10. This wave, Joe, is like... | ||
| Where do you see this? | ||
| Perfect Tenet Pipeline. | ||
| This wave is fucking... | ||
| Is that it right there? | ||
| It's got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope so. | |
| It's twice as high. | ||
| Three times as high. | ||
| The drop-in's fucking sick, and it closes out on him. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| And you're like, wait. | ||
| So he's through it while it's closing on top of him and hitting him in the face. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's bonkers, man. | ||
| Do you think it is... | ||
| Do you think that that feeling right there is like a perfect show where you get a standing ovation? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Do you ever get... | ||
| He's hitting him in the face as he's trying to stay on board. | ||
| What kind of fucking balance... | ||
| Watch this water. | ||
| Yeah, he knows it. | ||
| He's like, if I can just get through here, I've got it. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| It's hitting him in the face. | ||
| And he still hangs in there. | ||
| But look at this part. | ||
| Look at this feeling he's got. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I've had that coming off stage before, but I can't be like that. | ||
| It can't be like that. | ||
| But he's also 47 and still able to do this, which is incredible because you've got to think that for high-level athletics like this, that is... | ||
| Oh, he's competing against 22-year-olds for sure. | ||
| That's about his... | ||
| High as you get, right? | ||
| Do you think he knows halfway through this, like, oh, this is on the pace right now for perfection? | ||
| Dude, you've got to see this 24-7 because he talks about getting out in the lineup and going, like, sometimes the waves just don't show up. | ||
| You can't change that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then sometimes you go... | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I gotta roll the dice. | ||
| This looks like a shit wave, and it may fuck me over, but obviously these are my words. | ||
| And then he's like, I'm gonna do it. | ||
| And on this thing, he pulls out like a fucking nine on a wave, and everyone's like, what the fuck? | ||
| He's still got it! | ||
| But it's really crazy, man. | ||
| That wave, I saw that because I just watched that thing, and Andrew Schultz is a big surfer. | ||
| Schultz is a surfer? | ||
| Hardcore, bro. | ||
| He lives in New York. | ||
| They have Long Beach people surfing Long Beach. | ||
| And he moved out to LA to go to school up at Santa Barbara to go surfing. | ||
| That was his goal. | ||
| He was like, I'll surf every day. | ||
| And then he got out there and was like, fuck this. | ||
| I'm going to get into college. | ||
| Hot chicks, nice weather. | ||
| Kelly Slater gets the perfect 10 and all his competition is 22-year-old guys. | ||
| And they're like, you're a legend, man. | ||
| You're a legend. | ||
| He's like, you should see the fucking three girls I fucked this morning. | ||
| Alright, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice to meet you. | |
| He still is doing... | ||
| Crazy shit, right? | ||
| Like, he's fucking banging models. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he? | |
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| No, he's got a chick. | ||
| He's got a chick. | ||
| Beautiful chick. | ||
| But you should have seen Kelly Slater with hair. | ||
| Have you ever seen Kelly Slater with hair? | ||
| Is he more handsome? | ||
| Oh, bro. | ||
| Pull up a picture of fuckboy. | ||
| Like, young fuckboy Kelly Slater. | ||
| Like, not fuckboy in a good way, you know? | ||
| Like, he was gorgeous. | ||
| This is the part of the podcast that he's not going to enjoy. | ||
| I didn't mean fuck going a bad way. | ||
| He was enjoying us playing the video. | ||
| Look at young Kelly Slater with hair. | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| This is movie star looks. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Look at that fucking picture! | ||
| It's amazing when you're that handsome that you get anything done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's the problem with really, really good looking guys. | ||
| They're slinging so much. | ||
| Oh, he was in Baywatch. | ||
| He was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kelly Slater with hair might be... | |
| Look at that. | ||
| Handsome bastard. | ||
| With Pamela Anderson back when she was Pamela Anderson. | ||
| Kapow, before she was fucking Julian Assange in an embassy somewhere. | ||
| You think they were boning? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| What? | ||
| For sure! | ||
| Why would she fly all the way over there and not fuck him? | ||
| Oh, she did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever see her in The View just laying down the fucking truth to those ladies? | ||
| And they treated her like a model and she was like, no, no, I've actually researched a bunch of information I'd like to talk about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| It was pretty fucking cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, The View. | |
| They should do a fantasy camp of chicks you could fuck. | ||
| The view is this, but they talk about serious shit and people take them seriously. | ||
| Take them real seriously. | ||
| Yeah, but there's two more, and they're cackling over each other and yelling at each other and telling each other to calm down. | ||
| I think I'm one of those two. | ||
| The thing is, though, they're not even friends. | ||
| That's what's weird about that show that'll never work. | ||
| I guess it works. | ||
| It works. | ||
| No, but it doesn't really. | ||
| I mean, the conversations are gross. | ||
| And they talk over each other. | ||
| They had a big fight that was publicized. | ||
| But like a big one. | ||
| But they always do it. | ||
| They have like the blonde lady who's a Republican. | ||
| I mean, how many times have they tried that? | ||
| The football player's wife. | ||
| The Elizabeth Hasselhoff guy. | ||
| I was thinking of the other one. | ||
| McCain. | ||
| Yeah, Meghan McCain now. | ||
| That's the new one. | ||
| They always have the blonde. | ||
| And then Whoopi. | ||
| Before it was Whoopi. | ||
| Was Whoopi always there? | ||
| They had Barbara Walters was there. | ||
| They had Rosie O'Donnell. | ||
| Rosie O'Donnell was there for a long time. | ||
| She would battle with the Hasselhoffer. | ||
| It's funny to think of what goes in to producing The View and what it is, right? | ||
| It's people talking about it. | ||
| But I'm saying you think of the production, the people, the makeup, the grips, the sound people, the producers taking notes, and then you're doing this is the same thing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, the conversation is happening, but without all the nonsense. | ||
| Yeah, without any nonsense. | ||
| That's the difference between TV and this. | ||
| Well, I bet that show would be better if you just let them just talk. | ||
| It definitely would be. | ||
| There's no commercials. | ||
| It'd also be more popular. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| How popular is it? | ||
| It's been on for a long time. | ||
| Right, but what do you think it gets on an average day? | ||
| I think more than, like, sitcoms. | ||
| Like a couple million views? | ||
| No, more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I think it's like all these housewives at home with nothing to do with their dumb, boring lives. | ||
| Five million views, probably, I'm guessing. | ||
| Five million viewers? | ||
| I'd say 20. Let's do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's flip it. | |
| 20? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my guess. | |
| No, it's not 20. Let's flip it the other way, okay? | ||
| A hundred million. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| What a fake. | ||
| What could you add from what they have, their business model, that would increase, would better your show? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| I know one. | ||
| I know one. | ||
| Maybe they could put makeup on my head so I wouldn't be so shiny. | ||
| Do you know the viewers? | ||
| Do you find it or no? | ||
| Last month they averaged about 2.6 million. | ||
| I guess that's per show. | ||
| The difference is how many people are fans and how many people are just flipping through channels. | ||
| Because there's nothing else on. | ||
| I've seen episodes of The View. | ||
| I bet you have. | ||
| I definitely have. | ||
| Like, when Norm was on... | ||
| Do you see when Norm was on? | ||
| That was the best. | ||
| That was the best episode of the movie. | ||
| What did Norm do with him? | ||
| Norm says... | ||
| Norm at one point says, I've never had consensual sex with a woman. | ||
| I just see what they do. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no! | ||
| He just got tripped up in his words, and he was on this apology tour, and he was like... | ||
| It was right as... | ||
| Set the stage. | ||
| It's right as his Netflix show is about to air. | ||
| And he gets in big trouble because he's on Stern. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Start it over. | ||
| He defends Louis first. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Louis and Roseanne. | ||
| And Louis and Roseanne. | ||
| Then he goes on Stern... | ||
| And when he's on Stern, instead of saying, like, you'd have to be retarded to laugh at this or to think this, he'd be like, you'd have to have Down syndrome. | ||
| He thinks that's better because he thinks Down syndrome is okay to say, but retarded is bad because it's the R word. | ||
| So he's just a pinball. | ||
| So he says it a bunch, and they're about to launch the show. | ||
| So, of course, like, you know, everybody involved is, like, panicking. | ||
| Like, you need to make it clear you have a new show launching. | ||
| You got it, you got it. | ||
| So he goes on The View, and he's like, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, yeah. | |
| And he is, you can see, you can mute this and watch this. | ||
| He is eating mints, like, as he, and popping them in his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Joe, he's literally eating mints. | ||
| And shaking them in his hand. | ||
| He's like, man, I feel real bad about that. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Why would I talk about Louis? | ||
| I've never even had consensual sex with a girl. | ||
| And they're like, Norm, you've never had consensual sex with a girl? | ||
| He goes, why would I? And they're like, I think you're misspeaking, Norm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then you see him, you're on daytime. | |
| He's like, yeah, so... | ||
| I feel real bad about that. | ||
| He's a fucking wild man. | ||
| He is the best. | ||
| He is such a wild man. | ||
| I was just talking to Adam about this. | ||
| Do you remember the time you came? | ||
| We can't tell the full story because I think Norm wouldn't be comfortable with it. | ||
| But do you remember the time right before the election where you had a vape pen that was really strong and Norm came back? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you remember what he said to us? | ||
| No, what did he say? | ||
| I wish I could say it out loud. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was the funniest. | |
| I got him fucked up. | ||
| He was not ready. | ||
| I got him fucked up. | ||
| I smoked weed before this. | ||
| Guys that don't smoke weed a lot, they just do it occasionally, they think they remember what weed is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This weed that they're fucking with today is a different animal. | ||
| And the pen is so innocuous, it's just vaporizing. | ||
| Hash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hash. | |
| Yeah, but it was hash oil in the pen. | ||
| It was fucking, it was nuclear. | ||
| I smoked with him one time in a parking lot in Irvine right before I was with Ryan Sickler. | ||
| Ryan always has good weed. | ||
| And we met Norm and we were about to go in and he smoked. | ||
| Dude, he's like such a comfortable comic. | ||
| He doesn't need like handing some time alone to get my mind right before this. | ||
| They were in the parking lot. | ||
| He takes a fucking monster hit of strong weed and he starts coughing, like coughing enough to make like a tear cum where you're like... | ||
| And then we walk into the Irvine Improv and they're announcing him. | ||
| He just walks on stage and he just starts talking about the soda he's drinking and killing with it. | ||
| Like just off the top of his head, just totally comfortable. | ||
| He's one of the funniest guys ever. | ||
| Him and Stanhope changed the way I did this next special. | ||
| This next special was like... | ||
| Because I love those guys that grow. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That when you see them, they're not doing their like... | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it, but they're doing the exact same type of stuff they did in the last one. | ||
| They're just changing the names a little bit. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| And I looked at... | ||
| I called Stanhope... | ||
| Maybe one of the most... | ||
|
unidentified
|
is a Stanhope. | |
| Just when you said that smell thing where your brain goes, wait, what the fuck? | ||
| I called Stanhope one day and he was like, hey, what are you doing? | ||
| He was like, drinking a vodka and grape juice, grapefruit juice, trying to write a knock-knock joke. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| He's like, yeah, I'm thinking of funny goofs, you know, trying to write a knock-knock joke. | ||
| We got to be as funny as those guys, right? | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, so we could write one, couldn't we? | ||
| He was like, I'm going to tell you what I got. | ||
| And he reads a couple of knock-knock jokes. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, why the fuck aren't we fucking with the format? | ||
| And then Norm. | ||
| I see Norm. | ||
| And Norm has the best joke. | ||
| I'm going to tell you the joke is that great. | ||
| It's the best joke. | ||
| Is he still doing it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Norm, this for me was like, why aren't we sometimes taking a step back to take a step forward, right? | ||
| Norm has a joke. | ||
| He goes, I got a new neighbor. | ||
| I see the neighbor and I said, hey neighbor, what do you do for a living? | ||
| The neighbor says, Norm, I'm a professor of logic down at the University of Science. | ||
| And Norm says, what's that? | ||
| He goes, well, Norm, it's hard for me to explain. | ||
| It's easier for me to just show you what I do. | ||
| Norm, do you have a dog, Alice? | ||
| And Norm goes, I do. | ||
| And he goes, well, then you must have a dog, logically. | ||
| And he goes, I do have a dog. | ||
| And he goes, all right. | ||
| And if you have a dog, logically, I can assume you must have a child. | ||
| Do you have a child, Norm? | ||
| And he goes, I do have a child. | ||
| He goes, well, if you have a child, logically, I can assume you must be married to a woman. | ||
| Are you married to a woman, Norm? | ||
| And he goes, I am. | ||
| He goes, Norm, then logically I can assume you're a straight white male. | ||
| And Norm goes, wow, that's amazing. | ||
| So the next day, Norm's down at a bus stop having a cigarette, sees another one of his neighbors. | ||
| The neighbor says, Norm, did you meet the new neighbor? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I did. | ||
| He goes, what's he do for a living? | ||
| He goes, he's a professor of logic down at the University of Science. | ||
| He goes, what is that? | ||
| And he goes, well, it's hard for me to explain, but it's much easier for me to show. | ||
| Guy goes, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| And Norm goes, hey, do you have a doghouse? | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| And he goes, well, then you must be a faggot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| It's a great joke. | ||
| It's a great joke. | ||
| We're all funny. | ||
| Because that's a problematic word, and it's banned. | ||
| You're such a piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, why can't we say it? | |
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It sure sounds like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I can't make jokes like that. | ||
| It's a great joke. | ||
| It's a great joke, but that old school joke writing, we all stepped away from, but what if we could tether ourselves to it a tad bit in what we're doing now? | ||
| Norman does that. | ||
| Mark Norman does jokes like that. | ||
| Mark Norman does, but stand up going, I'm writing knock-knock jokes, just for a writing exercise, where you go, what if you just wrote a book? | ||
| Banger knock-knock joke. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| I did it for this special. | ||
| I wrote something like that. | ||
| When are your specials coming out? | ||
| I can't say it yet, but I know. | ||
| You can't say it yet, but you know. | ||
| They just do that. | ||
| They just tell you. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I wonder if that hurts. | ||
| They say don't waste your time. | ||
| How does that hurt? | ||
| Promoting it ahead of time, but you can still promote it ahead of time. | ||
| You know what you can say? | ||
| I think they actually do request at Netflix that you don't release the time. | ||
| So people can't get souped up for it? | ||
| They want to be the ones that tell. | ||
| That comes with spending a lot of money. | ||
| I'm going big for this special. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| Tommy knows. | ||
| I got big plans. | ||
| Your videos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Promotion videos? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm going to do something different. | ||
| Are you saying something that you can't say? | ||
| Yeah, so let's change the subject. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, what the fuck is this? | |
| Yeah, let's change the subject. | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| You're hurting people's feelings at home. | ||
| You are going to do something. | ||
| But I think that's what's cool about comedy. | ||
| That's why I've always liked... | ||
| Like, I like guys that go against grain, but like Burr, I feel like Burr every time does something different, like challenges himself with an act out or something. | ||
| He does. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He does. | ||
| He always says that. | ||
| He was like, figure out what to do bad and then just only do that for a while. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, I didn't do like the back and forth conversation style bit. | ||
| I'm going to work on that in this special and then he'll be in that special. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| I know what you're talking about because I talked to Burr about this too. | ||
| It's the one with this, when he adopts the two sons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's one of the best. | ||
| I watched that on my treadmill, drinking wine in my man cave, and I went... | ||
| Wait a minute, you're drinking wine on the treadmill? | ||
| Yeah, always. | ||
| This is part of the routine. | ||
| It's called multitasking, Joe. | ||
| Get into it. | ||
| It saves your time. | ||
| Maybe hire a fucking trainer. | ||
| That one joke... | ||
| Have you thought about hiring a trainer? | ||
| No. | ||
| That one joke is fucking... | ||
| Is that his last special? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's like three specials ago. | ||
| I think not enough people challenge themselves to get outside the box, I think. | ||
| In our business. | ||
| Do you write right, Bert? | ||
| Do you sit down and write? | ||
| A little bit, but not too much. | ||
| That means no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Because what happens, Joe, is that it becomes... | ||
| I don't much. | ||
| It becomes too much for you to remember on stage. | ||
| So what I do is I'll write bullet points of things that pop for me, but to sit and longhand write, it becomes too much information. | ||
| I don't remember it. | ||
| And I've done it a bunch. | ||
| Your brain doesn't even work like that. | ||
| I get too, like, presentational when I do that, too. | ||
| I try to recite it as I wrote it instead of just, like, just say it. | ||
| Do you have any bits that feel, like, that are so word-specific they feel like you're reciting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not in a bad way, but it's just like... | |
| Off the road for a while, and then I try doing it at a club, like a comedy store or The Stand or something like that, and then I start doing it. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I'm reciting this instead of talking to an audience of 40 or 50. It feels weird. | ||
| The small crowd will make you talk to them. | ||
| The more time you spend in preparation, and this is something that I didn't start doing until about two years ago, actually preparing for shows, like going over notes. | ||
| And one of the things that I have in the writer of my contract, I write... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Index cards, right? | |
| Index cards, yeah. | ||
| Index cards. | ||
| I got that from Kevin James. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I have Kevin James as a rider. | ||
| And your white wine. | ||
| Yeah, white wine. | ||
| I took that out. | ||
| And you also have all white couches and white flowers in your dressing room. | ||
| White M&M's. | ||
| Only white drivers. | ||
| Who's the racist now? | ||
| White limos. | ||
| No, I think the white... | ||
| That was like an old... | ||
| Tommy Davidson. | ||
| Yeah, like a J-Lo thing. | ||
| Tommy Davidson's a white limo has to pick me up. | ||
| I think that's Eddie Griffin. | ||
| I think that's Eddie Griffin. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I think that was D-Ray. | |
| You guys are saying those are not the same people? | ||
| I actually worked at a club once where they were like, there was somebody here who requested a white, here's the thing, it wasn't like a white limo, they were like a white Yukon. | ||
| Like it had to be a specific model vehicle. | ||
| And they did not pick it up and that person chose to wait at the airport. | ||
| That's what I heard was Tommy Davidson, it was a story I heard like that. | ||
| I love those people who are like, I put these crazy things in my writer to make sure they're reading it, but that's the only thing they put in their writer. | ||
| Is that thing. | ||
| So it's like, you're not putting it in for that, you want that thing. | ||
| You want that thing. | ||
| Just say it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's in the Marvelous Mrs. Maison. | ||
| You gotta put things in your writer or people don't take you seriously. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| But I don't know anybody who's legit that has wacky things in their ride. | ||
| Do you remember when they asked you guys, do you want a rider? | ||
| And you're like, a rider? | ||
| What? | ||
| Most people don't even know what we're talking about. | ||
| If you're a performer and you work a venue, you have the option to basically make requests of things you want in your green room so that you feel happy and comfortable to perform. | ||
| But at first it was like, make sure there's some water, I guess, backstage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got water. | |
| Maybe a beer or two. | ||
| I can just go to the front and get it. | ||
| Buffalo trays, whiskey, Cabernet, meat tray, fruit. | ||
| Meat tray is key. | ||
| I got throat coat tea, gummy bears. | ||
| Gummy bears. | ||
| I have a meat and cheese plate, a veggie plate, water, both flat and still, coffee, tea, and that's, you know, all I have. | ||
| That's pretty standard. | ||
| It's pretty standard. | ||
| I mean, it's insane when you see, like, usually what musicians can really drive it up. | ||
| Chappelle has all red lights in his dressing room. | ||
| That's kind of cool, though, because I'll tell you what, when you're in a poorly lit room... | ||
| It's a cool vibe unless you're the guy that's gotta go find fucking red lights. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| But the lighting fucking makes a difference, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, shitty, like, over office light, you know, overhead. | ||
| That fucking sucks. | ||
| Yeah, it was real bright in the other classroom. | ||
| That doesn't make you feel like going out there. | ||
| One time we were in the green room, and it was your green room, and you invited the ring card girls back just to hang and stuff. | ||
| And I was trying to get my head, get ready for a fucking big show, and these squawking fucking hot chicks. | ||
| I was like, I just sit in the stairwell to fucking collect my thoughts. | ||
| Do you remember the story I told you about sitting next to a ring card girl one time on a flight home? | ||
| No. | ||
| This is fucking, I don't know how many years ago. | ||
| I did a gig with you, and then I had a different flight. | ||
| And one of the ring card girls was sitting across the aisle from me. | ||
| And she just went, water? | ||
| Water? | ||
| And I was like, people were like turning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was like, water? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I remember this. | ||
| And then the flight attendant came up and they're like, are you saying something? | ||
| And she was like, water? | ||
| And they're like, would you like some water? | ||
| And she was like, yeah. | ||
| And then they're like, she didn't press a button or say excuse me. | ||
| She just said water. | ||
| Loudly. | ||
| Until somebody was like, oh, I guess you want water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| She must have been really hungover. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine. | |
| You're so hungover you can't say, can I please have some water? | ||
| Water. | ||
| I've done that from my bed before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leanne, water! | |
| Water and job. | ||
| How many times has she heard water before? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| I would never be my wife. | ||
| You can't be in the green room with a bunch of people that don't understand what you're going through. | ||
| You know, one time we did a show, we did this fucking end of the world show at the... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That was the End of the World. | ||
| That was the 2016 one for the election. | ||
| We did one for 2012 with Stan Hope and Diaz and Honey Honey. | ||
| We did it at the Wiltern, right? | ||
| And for whatever reason, the agents all decided it was a party in my fucking green room. | ||
| Agents always do that. | ||
| Pre-show. | ||
| I'm talking 20. And they all do it. | ||
| They all knew that it was in L.A., so they all wanted to come. | ||
| So they came and they were drinking. | ||
| They do it in Montreal, too. | ||
| And I was like, hey, I'm getting ready for a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they were talking so loud. | ||
| Like, they didn't give a fuck. | ||
| They're like, it's the place to hang. | ||
| I was in the green room with... | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's like, guys... | ||
| They treated it like it was the green room of a sitcom. | ||
| Post-show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Post-show, I don't care if a serial killer comes in the green room. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Pre-show, I like a real chill, fucking low-key vibe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, me too, man. | |
| Me too. | ||
| And there's nothing crazier than like... | ||
| How about you in Verde? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Strange... | |
| Strangers popping in. | ||
| The overzealous agent person. | ||
| Or somebody... | ||
| Poachers? | ||
| You ever get a poacher in there? | ||
| Dude, the fucking... | ||
| An agent poacher? | ||
| We're like, hey man, how you doing with your agent? | ||
| You like him? | ||
| I'm so on first with the opener. | ||
| Have you had an opener that you don't know bring people? | ||
| And you're like, who are these people? | ||
| And you're like, are you insane? | ||
| One time I had a guy bring his family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| His family... | ||
| Who's the guy? | ||
| This sounds crazy to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's the guy? | |
| Was the guy opening for you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was a random. | ||
| No. | ||
| And it sounds crazy if you're listening or whatever and you're like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Well, when you get to the venue and you're going to do a show, for most people, they want it like... | ||
| A pretty relaxed vibe pre-show. | ||
| You're going to perform. | ||
| You definitely don't want like a stranger. | ||
| I mean, if there's a stranger, at most you're going to be like, hello, and then nice to meet you, and then they're going to leave because they understand you're about to do a thing, right? | ||
| You want to relax. | ||
| You don't necessarily have to meditate. | ||
| You're just like, I just want a relaxed atmosphere, right? | ||
| Like most performers. | ||
| You've got to get your head straight. | ||
| You're ready to go perform. | ||
| This guy had kids. | ||
| No. | ||
| He had kids in the fucking green room. | ||
| How many people? | ||
| It was him, his wife, two small children, and then the promoter- So he was a new comic. | ||
| He was newer, yeah. | ||
| And the promoter came by and was like, hey, how's it going? | ||
| I was like, it's cool to know we're doing a fucking daycare here today. | ||
| And he was like, you don't know this? | ||
| And I go, well, I mean, I don't- Really know him, but I'm meeting his children right now in the fucking green room of this. | ||
| I mean, it was bizarre, man. | ||
| He didn't even ask if it was okay to bring my family in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not at all. | |
| I'll feel bad if I know somebody and they're in there and I'm headlining and an opener's in there. | ||
| I'm like, it's your green room, too, because you're also performing. | ||
| But, like, I don't want my friends in there imposing on the opener. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's not fair to them. | ||
| If I was opening for you... | ||
| I would never fucking have the balls to bring. | ||
| Be like, oh, he's my friend. | ||
| Fucking Steve wants to say. | ||
| No way, dude. | ||
| Or a local comic who's not on the show comes by to hang out and just shoot the shit. | ||
| Do all that post-show, dude. | ||
| I wrote off a dude that I was friends with for a while when I shot this special in Cleveland who wanted to just come hang out backstage. | ||
| I don't have really a guest list. | ||
| It's kind of a closed set. | ||
| In between shows, I'm getting notes from That's a huge night. | ||
| It's a huge fucking night. | ||
| And I just was like, and he sent me a nasty fucking email about me being a liar about not having a guest list. | ||
| And I was like, alright bro, I guess I'll never speak to you again. | ||
| This was when you were filming? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, he was on the show with you? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He wasn't on the show. | ||
| He just was in town. | ||
| He wanted to come hang out. | ||
| He sent you a nasty email saying you're a liar? | ||
| Because what? | ||
| Because you said you didn't have a guest list because you wanted to come backstage and hang out? | ||
| Yeah, he wanted to come to the shows. | ||
| And I was like, hey man, I'm in a different spot. | ||
| I've got the people that have been touring with me. | ||
| Did he not understand that you were doing a special? | ||
| That's not why you're a liar. | ||
| Is he a comic? | ||
| He's a comic. | ||
| It really fucked me up. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you're fighting with someone on the day you're special. | ||
| I was like, you know what? | ||
| Fuck this, man. | ||
| That's on them. | ||
| It's like, fuck you for putting me in a position of am I special to have to fight with you? | ||
| You're an asshole. | ||
| You should go overboard to try to... | ||
| You're trying to mentally distract me. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| Dude, it's fuck. | ||
| Don't get me into it because it'll spin me out. | ||
| But like, man, I'm your friend. | ||
| I'll never put you in a situation where I go, like, yo, Joe, can you get my buddy on? | ||
| I never do that. | ||
| When people come and go, hey, can you get me on Joe's? | ||
| I just write them off. | ||
| That's the way my brain works. | ||
| I go, if I'm your friend, I'm only your friend. | ||
| I'm never going to ask shit of you. | ||
| The worst is when you're doing a weekend at a club and some guy asks to do a guest set. | ||
| And you're like, dude, I don't even know you. | ||
| I don't even know you. | ||
| They're like, so just give me a shot. | ||
| Hey man, you mind if I do a guest set? | ||
| What? | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Have you ever done that? | ||
| Did you ever do that when you were coming up? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Did you ever go to a national headliner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not one time in my entire fucking life. | |
| Here's how opposite of that, because I feel so... | ||
| I mean, I do not want to feel impolite. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to pose ever. | ||
| I actually went to a show one time and was asked if I wanted to do a guest spot, and I was like, that's inappropriate for me to say. | ||
| I just felt rude being there. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's people that are entitled versus people that aren't entitled. | ||
| I know this from knowing Tom as long as I've known him, and Ari as well. | ||
| None of us are the kind of guys that were like, next step. | ||
| What's the next step in this business to get forward? | ||
| Who do I step on to get to the next level? | ||
| I was always like, I want to find my group and I want to be safe. | ||
| I want to do what I do and have them be like, hey man, that was not good or this was good as friends so that I knew that what I was doing as an art form was safe. | ||
| I never was like, dude, get me on your fucking thing. | ||
| Get me on your thing. | ||
| It's... | ||
| There's so many of those guys out here. | ||
| There are so many of those guys. | ||
| And there's also people that get upset that you don't use them to open when you use other people that they think are their equal to open. | ||
| Do you ever get that? | ||
| But it's just like, what do you mean I'm friends with them? | ||
| Or like, I don't know, I chose somebody. | ||
| Also, by the way, not getting your shit together to open a big... | ||
| If I had the balls to ask you to open one of your shows, I would come to it at least... | ||
| Feeling like my 20 is so goddamn tight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| So that when you do it, you're like, this is a good decision. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I would be way more nervous as a younger comic opening up for you than you would be. | ||
| I would be dialed in. | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| I remember asking Dom. | ||
| Not asking Dom. | ||
| I was open for Pauly in Baltimore. | ||
| I was home for Thanksgiving or something. | ||
| And the week after that in D.C., Dom was there. | ||
| And I saw the lineup. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Nah, I'm never going to ask him. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| And then Eleanor told him later, like afterwards, Ari was there. | ||
| He was going to ask you, but he was felt embarrassed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I should have asked. | |
| I totally would have let him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was going to put him in position in case he was like, uh. | |
| You're imposing. | ||
| You're polite to think that, though. | ||
| I've got to give a shout-out to Mike Birbiglia. | ||
| One time I was in town shooting something in Tampa for TripFlip or Travel Channel. | ||
| Mike Birbiglia was at the Tampa Improv and we were having sushi next door. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to sneak my head in and just say hi or whatever. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Because I was a big fan. | ||
| I think Birbiglia to this day is one of the best storytellers around. | ||
| Storytellers, yeah. | ||
| Without a fucking doubt. | ||
| Very, very good. | ||
| I honestly don't know if I would have the balls to be doing what I'm doing right now if Birbiglia hadn't been the first guy to tell a long story. | ||
| Yeah, he really was the first one I remember on a stand-up stage doing that. | ||
| And he used to write a blog and his blog became really popular. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| He was on NPR. What was it? | ||
| He would read it on Bob and Tom. | ||
| It was fucking huge. | ||
| I rolled into the Tampa Improv. | ||
| I'm drunk. | ||
| I'm fucking full of sushi. | ||
| And I stick my head in the green room and I go, Hey man, Bert Kreischer... | ||
| I like how you're trying to be complimentary. | ||
| And I remember the look on his face was so deer in headlights. | ||
| And I was like, just big fan. | ||
| I'm in town. | ||
| I'm shooting my TV show. | ||
| I just wanted to come in and say hi. | ||
| And he was like, all right. | ||
| And then I was like silent for a minute. | ||
| He goes, are you asking for a guest set? | ||
| And I went, oh, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was like, oh, thank God. | |
| The real problem is I've given guys a guest set and then they go on and they cover a topic that you cover. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| I didn't think of that. | ||
| You don't know what they're doing. | ||
| You have no idea what their set is about. | ||
| You know what the real fuck thing is, though? | ||
| If somebody opens for you, and then you're like, you have something like that, and then they keep opening for you, and then you're like, you see that I'm doing this, right? | ||
| Like, you know that I'm doing this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I've had guys do a version. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know how guys do it on purpose? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, they try to step on your material? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they're opening for you? | ||
| I'm always afraid, too, they're going to be like, if they do something and then you do it, like, hey, I didn't take this from you, just so you know. | ||
| You have to tell them. | ||
| I already had my thing planned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's just some guys will try to kill so that you bomb. | ||
| You know, like, the local guys. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's always an issue if you go to a place and these fucking guys have never seen you before and they're like, Tom Segura. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Let me watch this motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and they'll, you know, they'll just... | ||
| What do you got four fucking special Netflix? | ||
| Fuck this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck this guy. | |
| Dude, these fans are my fans. | ||
| They just gotta see me and then they'll be following me. | ||
| They'll do a lot of local shit. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| They do a lot of local shit. | ||
| If they drive up that local shit, you know they're whack as fuck immediately. | ||
| If they lean into it hard, it's one thing to make one or two comments, but if they do six minutes on local... | ||
| Half my act was local when I lived in Boston. | ||
| Half my act. | ||
| But you're starting out. | ||
| Yeah, but it was so sad when I would go on the road. | ||
| All my best bits... | ||
| You guys remember 3rd Street? | ||
| People are like, No. | ||
| You mean where the car dealerships are? | ||
| No. | ||
| Gay community. | ||
| If I could find a time machine, I would go back to Boston in the late 80s, and I'd have Joe Rogan open for me, and I would just take him with me and be like, so, hey, tell me what you think about aliens. | ||
| And then just simply like, you know, I haven't really thought about it a lot yet, but I've been reading these books. | ||
| I'm just starting to develop some thoughts on it. | ||
| It is so funny to be able to know somebody for a long time and then look up shit like 20 years ago. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I can watch clips of you, myself, and I'm like, ugh. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| The weirdest part about being friends with you is I was a fan of yours before I was friends with you. | ||
| When you and Brian were doing that Joe show, I was like fucking so into that. | ||
| I was into this podcast before I ever got on the podcast. | ||
| I remember telling you one time about you with Janet Jameson. | ||
| You're like, I've never been with Janet Jameson. | ||
| I was like, I'm fucking pretty certain I saw it. | ||
| You're like, I've never met her. | ||
| I was like, I'm pretty sure there's a video out there of you guys at a party. | ||
| And you were like, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| And I was like, I watched it. | ||
| I think your memory sucks. | ||
| I definitely didn't say I never met Janet Jameson. | ||
| By the way, hang on. | ||
| If there is an astute person, you will hear it on the podcast. | ||
| Are you saying that I didn't know her? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| This is way before she started dating Tito Ortiz. | ||
| This is like a long time ago. | ||
| I remember you and Jenna Jameson at a... | ||
| By the way... | ||
| Party in Phoenix. | ||
| I remember a party... | ||
| Yeah, with her husband. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was a video of her husband. | ||
| She's explaining how to eat pussy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay, I'm not crazy then. | ||
| You're just ruining the story. | ||
| Probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish Burberry was here to save me. | |
| He's giving a version of the story that doesn't make sense. | ||
| But yeah, it is crazy to know of people's past lives. | ||
| I'll tell you what I would love a fucking documentary about is the store. | ||
| There's one coming out. | ||
| They're doing the Showtime thing. | ||
| Mike Binder's doing it, and he's doing it real slow, which makes you give real hope that it's going to be good. | ||
| He's taking like two years to do it. | ||
| By the way, I'm in that documentary. | ||
| I wish I hadn't said that out loud. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| You're not even drunk. | ||
| What's going on with you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Did you have a stroke? | ||
| I wish it was a documentary knowing full well about it. | ||
| I'm in the vodka documentary. | ||
| Did you have a stroke five minutes ago? | ||
| I might have. | ||
| Let's make another cocktail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| There's plenty of booze. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Try some of that Dan Aykroyd skull. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Alien skull fucking vodka. | ||
| Oh, that his is the skull one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll try it. | ||
| Is there more ice there, by any chance? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm curious always to know about the store when I wasn't there. | ||
| Dude, it was the best in the early aughts. | ||
| But people say it was the worst. | ||
| Okay, for stand-up shows, sure, it was the worst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| For its entire purpose? | ||
| Energy-wise, it sounds like it was horrible. | ||
| No, Dom says it the best. | ||
| He goes, there was this young group of... | ||
| Okay, I knew it as the employee section, so I don't know about the people who were like 10, 12-year comics. | ||
| But as the employees, it was like we ran the place. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| I just saw it as a foreign place. | ||
| We would go sneak in the back to see the mainstream comics who were fucking in the back. | ||
| The Ackroyd. | ||
| Try something. | ||
| Oh, you want to try it? | ||
| Have you tried it? | ||
| I'm going to try it. | ||
| Are you scared of Dan Ackroyd's alcohol? | ||
| I'm scared of any alcohol that I didn't pour in my... | ||
| Bring with me personally, Joe. | ||
| Oh, I just drank some of that, man. | ||
| There's nothing in there. | ||
| It's just Dan Ackroyd's... | ||
| We opened that. | ||
| That's because of me. | ||
| I would be curious to know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dan Ackroyd. | |
| Big fan. | ||
| Big test right here. | ||
| I want to know why certain personalities didn't get closer. | ||
| In knowing them as adults, they should be closer. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Closer to what? | ||
| Closer friends, you mean? | ||
| I would love to know the camps. | ||
| Who were in the different camps. | ||
| There was no camaraderie back then. | ||
| There was some camaraderie with door guys and stuff like that. | ||
| Door guys had camaraderie. | ||
| The problem was there was this leftover shit from guys who were all struggling to get sitcoms. | ||
| They were all struggling to be the host of a talk show. | ||
| Destonic. | ||
| Yeah, it was good, Joe. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It was good when there was a level of acceptance that the place was a failure and that we were just in it for jokes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then we're like, we're not going to get anything because Bobby Lee was like the most successful guy because he was on Mad TV. The thing that was going on that was weird was that the guys that were at the higher level, there was a few that were left over. | ||
| They had seen Kinnison take off and they had seen David Letterman take off and they were still there. | ||
| Frankie Pace. | ||
| Yeah, there was a few of those guys that were left behind, and they were very bitter, and they did not like young guys. | ||
| There was a different thing. | ||
| Like today, when young guys are coming up, or young girls, anybody who's funny at the store gets love. | ||
| You know, whether it's a doorman, or somebody who works the booth, there's no, like, there's no, anyone, no one's trying to hold anybody down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no competition. | |
| It's not like you're making it so I'm not. | ||
| The internet changed it all because we all have a platform to help now. | ||
| Whereas before, it was like the only way you got successful was through television. | ||
| Television was the goal. | ||
| And if Tommy got a TV show, you were like, fuck, that could have been my show. | ||
| And so there was this backstabby, weird fucking competition back then. | ||
| Yeah, now it's different. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Now everybody helps everybody. | ||
| It's a different animal. | ||
| If you get like Santino, suddenly from like no podcast to a successful podcast, now everybody's like, oh, that's another platform I can go on. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's just like good for everybody. | ||
| It's also like when someone gets a Netflix special or something, everybody gets happy. | ||
| And everybody gets pumped. | ||
| And they also see like, hey, if you bust your ass and you're good and you work hard, you can get one too. | ||
| You can get one too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not like it used to be, man. | ||
| It was weird, man. | ||
| When I first... | ||
| I got a sitcom and I came out here in 94. I came out with a sitcom. | ||
| I already had a sitcom. | ||
| So when I came out here, I came out here to do a sitcom and what was more important to me than anything was being a paid regular at the store. | ||
| That's what I give a fuck about. | ||
| The sitcom was just, I felt like it's going to get cancelled eventually. | ||
| I'm just going to make some money while I can and this is way more money than I ever thought I could ever make. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm going to do comedy. | ||
| And so then I would be hanging around at the store, but there was no friends. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Who was there when you first went to the store? | ||
| Who was there? | ||
| Mencia was there. | ||
| He was there. | ||
| He was just starting. | ||
| Stanhope and Ralphie? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Stanhope and Ralphie? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Stanhope was never there. | ||
| Ralphie wasn't really there. | ||
| Schubert was there. | ||
| Schubert was there before me. | ||
| Schubert was there. | ||
| He's like Mitzi's driver back in the fucking day. | ||
| Did you know that he's passed at the Magic Castle? | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| He's a magician? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jimmy Schubert? | ||
| He's a really good magician? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| I asked Schubert once. | ||
| I was a door guy and his parents were there. | ||
| Philadelphia or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I was like, hey, do you get nervous when your parents... | ||
| Because my parents see me like once ever. | ||
| And I was like, do you get nervous when your parents see you? | ||
| He goes, no, no. | ||
| They see me a bunch of times. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| But he goes, no. | ||
| When Mitzi's here, you know, that's tough. | ||
| And I've been inside of her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what?! | |
| Yeah, he used to bang Mitzi when he was a young fella. | ||
| He was, huh? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's how he got spots. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| She was straight up like, if you want to get up, you got to get it up. | ||
| Yeah, that was back in the day. | ||
| It was okay to do that. | ||
| No one had a problem with it. | ||
| It's not like a Harvey Weinstein type deal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Also the kind of collector. | ||
| He gives a shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And we gave a fuck. | ||
| But back then, it was like a few big guys would stop in. | ||
| Like Martin Lawrence would stop in. | ||
| There was a few guys. | ||
| Was he cool? | ||
| Paul Rodriguez? | ||
| I never got to talk to him. | ||
| He's friendly with me now, but back then I would go on after him. | ||
| Just eat shit. | ||
| Do you remember him as the host of Def Jam? | ||
| Dude, he was fucking amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro, listen, man. | |
| When I got past the store... | ||
| Stepping into the pussy. | ||
| Remember that joke? | ||
| Should I light another cigar or are we getting done close to none? | ||
| No, I'm going to re-light this one, but you can light another one. | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| I just remember... | ||
| This to me, I think, is such a compliment to him, but I mean it sincerely, because I was obsessed. | ||
| I would go in our basement to watch Def Jam, because I couldn't watch that in the living room. | ||
| You have to watch that in the basement. | ||
| And he was so funny and just engaging. | ||
| They're so charismatic that I would look forward... | ||
| To the interstitials. | ||
| Like, to him coming back just to introduce the next person. | ||
| Because that's how funny he was. | ||
| He was on top of the world. | ||
| Yeah, he really was. | ||
| Back then, I was a young comic who was not very good, and I used to have to go on after him. | ||
| What time were your spots? | ||
| Every... | ||
| Whenever someone was good, I would be on after them. | ||
| Anybody who crushed, whether it was Dice or anybody who was good, Martin Lawrence, I would go on after Martin Lawrence. | ||
| He'd go on stage with a leather jumpsuit on. | ||
| Any of this, I've never asked you. | ||
| How did you get past? | ||
| What was your showcase like? | ||
| This is why I got passed. | ||
| There was a guy named the Todd. | ||
| Do you remember the Todd? | ||
| The Todd went crazy. | ||
| The Todd went crazy. | ||
| But before he went crazy, he helped me out. | ||
| He told me to do this for other people. | ||
| When I was first starting out, Mitzi thought I was okay, but I could work as a non-paid regular. | ||
| And I was, you know, I think I was 26. And so I was doing sets at the store after the show. | ||
| So the show would go on to, like, whatever, 1 o'clock in the morning, and I was there every fucking night. | ||
| And I did that for six months. | ||
| And then, I mean, I had no friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I didn't know anybody here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know anybody here. | ||
| So I just moved here to do a television. | ||
| You were just hanging out in the hallway, guy? | ||
| I would just go up. | ||
| I would go up after the show was over. | ||
| I knew that I could get a spot at 1 o'clock in the morning if I waited. | ||
| What time was the last spot back then? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I remember I would go on always around 1 a.m. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And there was very few people in the crowd, but... | ||
| She gave me a showcase. | ||
| I did the showcase. | ||
| She goes, you can be a non-paid regular. | ||
| So I was like, good. | ||
| So I can do sets after the show. | ||
| So I'd go and I'd sit around and I'd wait and I'd watch. | ||
| I didn't have a life back then, okay? | ||
| I had the sitcom that I was doing during the day. | ||
| And then at nighttime, I had no friends. | ||
| I had just moved here, so I'd just hang around the store. | ||
| And I was really disappointed because the store was mecca to me, man. | ||
| Back when I lived in Boston, I was like, I heard about the comedy store. | ||
| That's where Kenison was. | ||
| And we were all like, one day we're going to go to the comedy store in L.A. And I went there and there was these bodaks, man. | ||
| These fucking casino acts. | ||
| They were terrible. | ||
| There were so many bad comics that had missed the wave, right? | ||
| There was a wave in the 1980s where basically anybody could be a comic. | ||
| You just had to talk like a comedian. | ||
| And I'm looking at my cat and I'm like, what is this, Wild Kingdom in my living room? | ||
| And there was these fucking shucking, jiving, non-perspective-having guys, and a few of them lingered. | ||
| And so those are the ones that were at the store. | ||
| So the wave of Kinison... | ||
| See, I'm here in 94, right? | ||
| Kinison was huge in 88. You've got to realize, that's only six years. | ||
| So Kinison's huge in 88, and then he dies in 92, right? | ||
| Somewhere around then? | ||
| I'm living in New York when he died, and then I'm in LA two years later, and the fucking place is a ghost town. | ||
| I'm telling you, it was like... | ||
| Do you think it died because he died? | ||
| It was a big part of it. | ||
| He made it go away. | ||
| Well, I kept hearing about all these celebrities that would come to the comedy store to see Kinison. | ||
| And I was like, wow, they all came to see Kinison? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They came to see him. | ||
| Like all these fucking rock stars and Keith Richards and fucking... | ||
| Movie stars and Belushi and all these guys would come to the comedy store. | ||
| That shit was gone by the time I got there. | ||
| So by the time I got there, you know, the comedy store's gone through these in the past. | ||
| These like peaks and valleys. | ||
| And I got there in a valley. | ||
| But I stayed, I was there for like six months and this guy, the Todd, was there, right? | ||
| And the Todd, that's the Todd right there. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| I owe that guy a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard to find. | |
| He's gone now. | ||
| Anyway, the Todd had like a severe mental episode where he literally, something went wrong. | ||
| Like some sort of a disease, something went wrong mentally and he lost his mind. | ||
| But before he lost his mind, he sat down next to Mitzi. | ||
| So when Mitzi tried me for my second showcase, I went up and I did my set. | ||
| I had a good set. | ||
| But the Todd was laughing hard. | ||
| He sat down next to Mitzi and he's like, ah! | ||
| And Mitzi's like, he's funny. | ||
| And Todd was like, that guy's fucking funny. | ||
| He's fucking funny. | ||
| And I was cool with him. | ||
| He was a very friendly guy. | ||
| And he saw you doing late night spots before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| He saw me banging it out. | ||
| And then he came to me offstage. | ||
| He goes, I sat down next to Mitzi and I laughed really hard. | ||
| Because I came offstage and Mitzi goes, you're past. | ||
| You're going to be a paid regular. | ||
| Call in the morning. | ||
| I'll give you some sets. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit. | ||
| I'm a fucking paid regular at the store. | ||
| Granted, I'm on a television show at the time, right? | ||
| That's a lot of importance. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck about that TV show. | ||
| Yeah, the TV show was terrible. | ||
| It was a baseball show called Hardball. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| And it could have been good, too. | ||
| I watched... | ||
| The guys who wrote The Simpsons wrote it. | ||
| They wrote Unmarried with Children. | ||
| Really good writers. | ||
| And Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran. | ||
| They're really funny, really talented, really smart guys. | ||
| And Fox just fucking brutalized their show. | ||
| Brutalized it. | ||
| And they brought in all the hacks and they chopped it up. | ||
| So I was in hell doing this terrible sitcom. | ||
| You know, I'm making good money, though. | ||
| Where are we living? | ||
| Oakwood's Apartments. | ||
| Of course you were. | ||
| That's like the pilot place to live, right? | ||
| I think by then I might have gotten an apartment in North Hollywood. | ||
| I got an apartment in North Hollywood a few months in because I figured it was going to stick around for a while. | ||
| And then she gave me the thing and Todd pulled me aside and he goes, hey. | ||
| He goes, I sat down next to Mitzi and I laughed really hard. | ||
| And he goes, that's how you get someone passed. | ||
| And he goes, one day you're going to do that for people too. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| You did it for Chris McGuire. | ||
| Dude, I fucking hosted it for Chris McGuire. | ||
| Because this terrible comedian was supposed to do the hosting gig. | ||
| He was supposed to host Open Mic Night. | ||
| And I found out McGuire was going to do his showcase. | ||
| Missy thought it was funny to put this terrible comedian up and have him host. | ||
| I mean, he was impossibly bad. | ||
| I like how you're intentionally not saying his name. | ||
| Yes, I'm not saying his name. | ||
| So, I thank you very much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do I know him? | |
| No, you definitely don't. | ||
| So I called up, and this is when I was on news radio. | ||
| I called up and I said, hey, I go, fuck this. | ||
| I go, I'm going to host open mic night. | ||
| So I came down and hosted open mic night just for McGuire. | ||
| But I did that for a bunch of people. | ||
| I sat down next to Mitzi while people were showcasing, funny people, and I just laughed. | ||
| Just laugh hard, clap. | ||
| And it would influence her. | ||
| It influences everybody. | ||
| Having a good room makes everybody... | ||
| I've seen a billion shows. | ||
| Still, if somebody's doing well, I can't see through, or not doing well, I'm like, that guy's bad. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I did that for Diaz. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I did it for so many people. | ||
| Look, man, I was so thankful. | ||
| And then one day, I didn't see him for a long time. | ||
| The Todd? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't see him for a long time. | ||
| He went by The Todd? | ||
| Yeah, The Todd. | ||
| He used to open for Paul. | ||
| He was one of Paulie's buddies. | ||
| Any relation, do you think, to the Charlie's Angel name of fucking, what's his name's character in that? | ||
| Todd Lemish, it says. | ||
| That's his name. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| That's an old lineup for 1986. An article from BuzzFeed about the... | ||
| Let me see the lineup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go back down. | |
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| Tamayo. | ||
| Jimmy Schubert. | ||
| I think these people left in the house. | ||
| Nancy Redman. | ||
| I remember Nancy Redman. | ||
| I used to do sets with her in New York. | ||
| Bobby Luddington. | ||
| Steve Kravitz. | ||
| I knew him, too. | ||
| Mark Maron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that, 87. Was Brett Ratner that's the Brett Ratner? | |
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| No, Maron was there for a short time. | ||
| Then he went to New York. | ||
| No, he went to Boston. | ||
| And he was obsessed with the comedy story. | ||
| He wrote Jerusalem Syndrome about being there. | ||
| And then when he came back, he was all shell-shocked. | ||
| Well, in 94, is it Robert Downey Jr.? | ||
| Unless it says it's unconfirmed. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So in 87, when Maren was there, I met him right after that in 88. Maren? | ||
| Because he moved to Boston. | ||
| So he was doing sets in Boston. | ||
| Maren gave me one of the nicest pieces of advice and compliments that anybody ever gave me when I was an open mic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Invest in Bitcoin. | |
| He didn't say that. | ||
| Wait, what was the other one? | ||
| He just told me to keep going that I was funny. | ||
| He said, you can do this, man. | ||
| You're really original. | ||
| You got a great voice. | ||
| You used to hang out when I was an employee. | ||
| Every once in a while, you would hang out and just watch the employee section. | ||
| And I didn't realize it. | ||
| It makes me think now how it's important. | ||
| Just that it was a paid regular. | ||
| And a guy on a sitcom that would just sit and watch us. | ||
| Cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| I like comedy, man. | ||
| I like supporting comedians. | ||
| I've always liked supporting comedians. | ||
| From my martial arts background, camaraderie and the whole team and helping everybody, having a good group, I always knew the value in that. | ||
| It's very important to have a good community. | ||
| Now, can you watch comedy online, like on Instagram? | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| Yeah, I watch good clips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I lost it. | |
| The Todd thing, let me get back to that. | ||
| So what happened was one day I got there, and I hadn't seen him for a long time. | ||
| I forget how long, but it was a long time. | ||
| And he was hanging out in the front patio, but he was weird. | ||
| He was just really weird. | ||
| And I don't remember who told me. | ||
| And they said, yeah, he lost his mind. | ||
| And something happened. | ||
| I think he maybe even had an operation. | ||
| Something was really wrong, and he was just hanging around, almost like trying to remember. | ||
| He stopped doing comedy entirely. | ||
| Trying to remember. | ||
| Yeah, trying to remember what it was like. | ||
| Eleanor said he'd do this thing where he used to do this thing to fuck with the bartenders, where he'd take a glass and look at them and then chuck it in the garbage. | ||
| But he didn't remember that he had had a camaraderie with the bartender, and he would just remember that he had done that, so he would go up and take a glass and put it in the garbage. | ||
| And some new bartender was like, who is this? | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, it was real weird, man. | ||
| And it was the first time I'd ever seen anybody be fine and then be gone. | ||
| And I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't understand what happened. | ||
| But that guy, man, he did me a giant solid. | ||
| Giant solid. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| And it influenced me, too, to make sure that I passed that on. | ||
| Who were the guys who did you guys, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Favors. | |
| Not even like, I'm doing you a favor, but like, things like that, like you said, like, you know, what Todd did, or like, you know, just like helped you, where you're like, oh, that was a big help. | ||
| Just guys treating you like you belong. | ||
| Treating like a human, yeah. | ||
| Don Herrera was a big one, man. | ||
| Bert. | ||
| What? | ||
| No, Bert, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, they took me on the road. | ||
| Russell Peters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tom, you brought me to Indy. | ||
| I did. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You said it's a break-even week. | ||
| I mean, she won't pay for her flight, but it'll make enough money to pay for your flight. | ||
| And then you got booked there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Joe, obviously. | ||
| You know, taking me on the road and shit. | ||
| Jay Moore was big for us. | ||
| Jay Moore was big for us. | ||
| Jay Moore was really big for us. | ||
| It stinks that it turned out the way it did, but he was really big in, like, You know, as I always say, you learn a lot from people on both sides of the fence. | ||
| Good and bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I learned a lot about what I didn't want to do, because I'd watch Jay... | ||
| Jay's so amazingly talented. | ||
| And I'd watch him get in his way sometimes, and I'd be like, God, man, I don't want to do that. | ||
| And Tom and I would talk privately about going like, just the weirdest fucking things. | ||
| Man, he was so talented. | ||
| He was a fun hang. | ||
| He was a fun hang. | ||
| Jay's a fun hang. | ||
| And he was really funny, man. | ||
| And he was so... | ||
| You could give that guy a premise. | ||
| You could give him a premise, just the silliest thing, and he could improv it on stage. | ||
| You definitely had a stroke about 20 minutes ago, huh? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| But yeah, no, no, no. | ||
| Jay was a big... | ||
| I mean, I can't... | ||
| I mean, I can't... | ||
| Obviously, Jay and I don't speak anymore. | ||
| Yeah, he was great in that fucking Jerry Maguire movie, man. | ||
| Are you guys capable of, like, pushing the bad parts out yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And seeing the good parts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's why I'm talking... | |
| It sounds like this is the first time... | ||
| No, that's why I'm talking about it. | ||
| Like, I don't mind... | ||
| Obviously, Jay and I don't speak. | ||
| But yeah, but we both had negative experiences. | ||
| That's why we're not friends with them anymore. | ||
| But there was a lot of good things. | ||
| That's the reason I met Tom. | ||
| How did you find you guys? | ||
| He found Tom through his assistant, Charlie. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| When I met you, it was at a show. | ||
| Yeah, that was the best. | ||
| I was the MC, he was the middle, Bert was the middle, and Jay was the headliner. | ||
| Yeah, and immediately, within like fucking five seconds, Tom and I bonded. | ||
| Like within five fucking seconds. | ||
| I remember he walked in and the Florida State game was on. | ||
| Tom's watching the Florida State game. | ||
| And Tom's like, oh, come on. | ||
| And Jay's like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And I go, oh, you're watching Florida State? | ||
| Because I went there. | ||
| Tom's like, yeah. | ||
| He's like, you got money on it? | ||
| And Tom's like, yeah, I got a hundred bucks on it. | ||
| And he's like, you're making fucking 50 bucks tonight as a host. | ||
| What kind of fucking idiot are you? | ||
| Walked out and I was like, look at Tom. | ||
| I go, hey, welcome to the tour, man. | ||
| I remember being like, I so nerded out that he went to FSU. I was like, you went to FSU? He's like, yeah, I went there for like 15 years or something. | ||
| They wrote a book about it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And then I go, when? | ||
| And then he tells me, I go, oh, you guys won a national championship when you were there. | ||
| And I was like, hey, so was like, I just mentioned like a player. | ||
| I don't know, whatever. | ||
| I was like, was Derek Brooks there? | ||
| And he was like, oh, I don't know any of the players. | ||
| No, no, hold on. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| You don't fucking, you don't know any of the guys' names? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I think I told you this, and this made you laugh. | ||
| I think this is what made you laugh. | ||
| Derek Brooks was a big player at Florida State, right? | ||
| Him and Warwick Dunn. | ||
| When I was in my senior year of college, I went to the gas station and they had a single, a cassette single of Brooks and Dunn. | ||
| And I went, oh wow, our two biggest players released a single. | ||
| This has got to be good, right? | ||
| I'm a big fan of hip-hop, so I bought the single of Brooks and Dunn. | ||
| I realized it's a country western band. | ||
| They weren't big yet, and I put it in, and it was country music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I went, so Derrick Brooks and Warwick Dunn made a country album. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| And I listened to the whole fucking thing. | ||
| The whole thing? | ||
| I was like, one song, I was like, this is not bad. | ||
| I'm a fan of the guys. | ||
| I'm a fan of the... | ||
| Yeah, I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| And I think I told you that, and you were like, Brooks and Dunn is not Warwick Brooks. | ||
| And you went to college. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you go? | ||
| Did I go? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was gorgeous back then. | ||
| You dropped out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You went all the way through, and then some? | ||
| Kinda. | ||
| All the way. | ||
| I had to take prison classes in New York. | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| So it was before the internet, so if you didn't finish school, you had to send in to the state of Florida and say, I want to finish college, and they'd give you the books that they give to the prisoners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Send them to me in New York. | ||
| I just had to read the books and write papers. | ||
| The prisoners? | ||
| So if you want to get a college course in prison, they send you the books and you just do the work? | ||
| Basically. | ||
| Just fill that shit out. | ||
| What? | ||
| Just fill it out. | ||
| Just basically, I got the books and I got the tests. | ||
| And I just had to fill out the tests. | ||
| Do you ever wonder, like, if you were in prison, like, how much shit you'd get done? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think that? | |
| Do you seem like the type of guy that would think you'd get, like, really fit? | ||
| I do. | ||
| That's a good fantasy for me. | ||
| I would read books all day, and I would do sit-ups. | ||
| I would lift so many bricks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I would think how many times... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many times would I walk myself into a rape? | |
| Where I'd go, like, you guys weren't gonna rape me. | ||
| They're like, well, we weren't even thinking about that, but now that you brought it up... | ||
| You seem like we can. | ||
| You seem pretty soft. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They probably want to rape a hard guy, just for like, you know, so it's a real good win. | ||
| A notch on the, yeah. | ||
| A good win, you know, if you rape like a gang leader. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, turn him. | ||
| You rape like a super twink, it's like, eh, who cares? | ||
| He wanted it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but get like Tim Sylvia in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Ray Mercer raped Tim Sylvia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Right? | ||
| Giant feather in his cap. | ||
| Giant feather, so to speak. | ||
| Yeah, so to speak. | ||
| Let's talk about Tom behind his back. | ||
| When you first met Tom, How quickly did you like him? | ||
| Instantly. | ||
| Why does he have that? | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| We were at the Celebrity Theater. | ||
| We were doing the Maxim tour. | ||
| It was John Heffron, Charlie Murphy, and me. | ||
| And every town that we went to, there would be a new guy that would open. | ||
| A local guy. | ||
| Or in Tom's case, a guy from L.A. that was somehow or another they'd signed him. | ||
| They picked him to do it. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| And he and I got along like that. | ||
| I met him when you said like, It wasn't Diaz or Duncan that week. | ||
| It was Tom Segura after that show. | ||
| And it was like, okay. | ||
| And then he was there and I was like, hey. | ||
| It was like 40 seconds of uncomfortable. | ||
| And then he was like, out of here again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Here's what I was going to say about. | ||
| Here's what's real important about comics. | ||
| Recognizing that the doorman and the opening acts and the middle acts will one day be your peers. | ||
| They are your peers now. | ||
| That's the store. | ||
| That's the store. | ||
| There's no other club like that. | ||
| It was this direct line from brand, brand new employee to massive theater sellout, where it's like those came from there. | ||
| Bobby Lee was a door guy. | ||
| I was, well, I'm not that level. | ||
| You were a door guy when I met you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But like, there were other guys who were like, straight from there too. | ||
| So it's like, it's not like you would be a dick to them, but like, they're going to be you. | ||
| And the guys who are big were like, I was that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, it's like, there's a camaraderie in the game. | ||
| We're all trying to write a good dick joke. | ||
| Yeah, and we all support each other. | ||
| We're all fucking weirdos. | ||
| This is a rare weirdo. | ||
| There's not that many of us, man. | ||
| There's a small amount of human beings on the planet Earth that make a living telling jokes. | ||
| I mean, worldwide. | ||
| I did see a picture of Tom on one of your specials early on, and he was so fat. | ||
| You were so fat. | ||
| Oh yeah, that should be noted. | ||
| When he started fat shaming me, he was a 2.8. | ||
| What was your biggest thing you were? | ||
| That should be noticed that when he started fat shaming me, he was fatter than me. | ||
| Oh, he was so much fatter than me. | ||
| Yeah, he had just lost some weight. | ||
| He goes, I think I'm thinner than you now. | ||
| And he was still 270. No, it wasn't that. | ||
| It's that when you're fat and other people get fat, like, it doesn't mean that you're not fat, but they are too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was 240 at the time. | ||
| Were you 240? | ||
| I was 240 when I started trying to lose weight. | ||
| You're always not accurate with those numbers. | ||
| Joe, Joe, Joe, why do you pick up on numbers? | ||
| Just let the story go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you work for the IRS? The numbers are big. | |
| You're about 253. Where are you at now? | ||
| Are you up or down since the last podcast? | ||
| I'm way down. | ||
| I'm way down. | ||
| We have a scale. | ||
| I'm never getting on a scale in front of you. | ||
| Get on it. | ||
| Joe, Joe, Joe, I will never. | ||
| I want to see where I'm at after Columbia. | ||
| My special I shot, I was 220 when I shot it. | ||
| Were you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How'd you do that? | ||
| I'm so fat in it. | ||
| You see it? | ||
| I'm so fat. | ||
| How'd you get down there? | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| Dude, the funny thing is, when we started Sober October, it was this whole thing like, can you not drink for a minute? | ||
| And that was the first time. | ||
| Five years ago, whatever. | ||
| We were trying to save your life. | ||
| I think you did, maybe. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, I'm much better today. | |
| I did have a little bit of a stroke, right? | ||
| You were just drifting with the conversation. | ||
| I got so into it. | ||
| You were trying to say that I didn't know Jenna Jameson. | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Someone find that clip. | ||
| When Jamie pulled it, this October started, do you remember where you were at the end of September? | ||
| Yeah, you were just lost a bunch of weight. | ||
| At the end of September, beginning of October? | ||
| I have a fucking idea. | ||
| Yeah, you had just lost a bunch of weight. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he had just lost a bunch of weight. | ||
| Because he was like, I'm actually going strong beforehand. | ||
| I was going strong into October. | ||
| I got down to 220 on my specials. | ||
| Joe said, can you be down to 205 at the end of October? | ||
| That's nothing, man. | ||
| How'd you not make 205? | ||
| You could have got that bill. | ||
| I stopped caring. | ||
| I was like, I can't. | ||
| No. | ||
| I can't have that brain set going into a special where I'm like obsessed with my weight. | ||
| I needed to work on material and I was like, I'm going to be me, I'm going to work out, I'm going to have fun. | ||
| You looked as good as Jon Panette like six months before he died. | ||
| Thank you, thank you, thank you. | ||
| By the way, the fact that Tom's weight This is not brought up at all. | ||
| I believe Tom is fatter than Bert and has been for many months. | ||
| I wish you had seen the boxes I'd given your presence in. | ||
| Tom's foot is so much smaller than your guy's. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He's 5'8 tops, right? | ||
| 5'8? | ||
| 5'8 and a half? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 5'8 and a half? | ||
| I don't mind that because people are always pleasantly surprised when they meet me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You go ahead and put it out there. | |
| Bullshit. | ||
| Every time I do a meet and greet, they go... | ||
| They go, hey, Tom actually is fatter than you. | ||
| And I go, no fucking shit! | ||
| I never hear that. | ||
| What size shoe do you have? | ||
| I never hear that. | ||
| What size shoe do you have? | ||
| Ten and a half. | ||
| Seven? | ||
| Joe's got an 11. Okay. | ||
| Ari's got a 12. I have a 13. You know what's annoying when you get an 11 in some shoes and it's too small? | ||
| Chuck Taylor's are running different. | ||
| Chuck's, yeah, man. | ||
| They're like a half a size too small. | ||
| Wait, Tom, how big are you now? | ||
| Let's not change the subject too much. | ||
| How big are you now, Tom? | ||
| How much do I weigh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like you've lost some weight since the beginning of October. | ||
| That's probably true. | ||
| We have a scale. | ||
| No, we're not. | ||
| Let's get the scale. | ||
| Jamie, call that up. | ||
| Get that scale. | ||
| Jamie Cole, let's go. | ||
| You got a scale? | ||
| I'd like to see how much I weigh after Columbia. | ||
| And then if you guys want to weigh as well, that's okay. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Joe, would you be mannered enough to weigh yourself? | ||
| Hey, I'm about 205 right now. | ||
| I have to predict what I weigh? | ||
| Predict. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with you, though. | ||
| I honestly have not been on a scale in a long time. | ||
| Me? | ||
| So I'm just saying, it'll be a total guess. | ||
| I get on one every morning. | ||
| I say I've got to stop eating carbs. | ||
| It'll be a total guess. | ||
| I got down to 194 at one point in time. | ||
| Jamie, you can put that back. | ||
| Joe, you did get under obese. | ||
| And you also got under obese. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I think I was still obese. | ||
| I think it was not... | ||
| No, I did the math on both of you when you posted it. | ||
| I was overweight, but not obese. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What do you think you weigh, Bert? | ||
| 235. You think you'll weigh that now? | ||
| I would... | ||
| I would... | ||
| Right there, baby. | ||
| If you're... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm only saying that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| We're not weighing in. | ||
| We're not weighing in. | ||
| We're definitely not weighing in. | ||
| We're definitely not weighing in. | ||
| You are what you are, man. | ||
| It's just a number. | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because... | |
| Ari's gonna take his clothes off. | ||
| Oh, I will get totally fucking nude and pissed. | ||
| Hey, don't say that to him. | ||
| You're gonna see his cock now. | ||
| How do you say obviously in Spanish? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obva? | |
| Obvi? | ||
| Obvi? | ||
| How do you say obviously in Spanish? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obvio. | |
| Obvio. | ||
| I knew it was something close. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Don't take your pants off, bro. | ||
| Don't take a piss. | ||
| Don't piss on the ground. | ||
| You can put your pants back on because I'm definitely not getting on a scale. | ||
| Underwear only. | ||
| Why are you scared of scales, Bert? | ||
| Because, Joe, it's not like this hasn't defined the last four years of my life online. | ||
| But you're doing well right now. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| Yeah, thanks guys. | ||
| I'd rather people think I look great than know what I wear. | ||
| My target weight is 175 to 180. Interesting. | ||
| Target weight. | ||
| That's like loose skin. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| Remember when Ari had a six pack? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari had a full six pack. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He's got a little bit of a six pack there. | ||
| Oh, he's skinny. | ||
| No, he's got abs. | ||
| It's not just that he's skinny. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| It's on carpet, Ari. | ||
| Big money, big money. | ||
| 180? | ||
| It's the carpet. | ||
| It's the carpet. | ||
| 180.6. | ||
| And that is with socks on. | ||
| Yeah, it's the carpet. | ||
| I don't trust carpet on these scales. | ||
| Okay, man, you don't have to get on it. | ||
| That's after two weeks in Columbia with nothing but fried food. | ||
| I'm okay with that. | ||
| You look good, dude. | ||
| Late in the day, chicharron today for lunch, a bandita paisa. | ||
| One thing that I did realize when you did Sober October, when we did the fitness challenge, is that if you just went whole hog and went crazy, you'd be a beast. | ||
| I ate nearly whole hog today. | ||
| No, but I mean, if you worked out really hard, you'd have a good body. | ||
| Here's the thing that I learned in Sober October, and Tom kept having to say this to me over and over again, is that what makes Ari Ari is not going full hog. | ||
| If you go full hog, it's not Ari. | ||
| He turns in... | ||
| And the same with me. | ||
| I get obsessed with weight, and it starts to beat every one of my thoughts. | ||
| The thing that defines you... | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| The thing that defines you... | ||
| Take this slow. | ||
| No, it's not even that crazy. | ||
| It's true, and you'll know it's true. | ||
| I'm going to wait until the fourth quarter to really turn around. | ||
| That's what defines you. | ||
| It's a crammer. | ||
| And then in the fourth quarter, you'll do it... | ||
| Insane. | ||
| But there's no way you're going to be like, I'm going to study for this shit. | ||
| You're never going to prepare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But when you say things, when you say things, like... | |
| When you say things. | ||
| One of the times you said, I can do a split. | ||
| What were you thinking? | ||
| When you got down and you knew you were going to... | ||
| Did you think magically all of a sudden you would get really flexible? | ||
| But the pure confidence he goes in with it. | ||
| We're thinking like, I've never done a split in my life, I know they're hard to do, and I can do it. | ||
| Even though I know he's a bullshitter, part of me was like, wow, Burke can do a split. | ||
| Because he did a marathon! | ||
| He did do a marathon. | ||
| With nothing! | ||
| He ran four miles in his life, and then he fucking did a marathon the next day. | ||
| He's running five or six on a treadmill, which is like one in real life. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| You did run a marathon. | ||
| You will say I can do that to anything. | ||
| Jamie, get on the scale. | ||
| I'll say I can do that to anything. | ||
| You're definitely right about that. | ||
| Would you wait, Jamie? | ||
| Oh, you don't have to get on it. | ||
| Because it'll help everyone else get on it. | ||
| But don't you feel that way? | ||
| What? | ||
| I can do anything. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, but you can do anything. | ||
| No. | ||
| But do you think... | ||
| Great discourse. | ||
| This is actually what defines the two of you. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| No, but I think the same fire burns for both of us, right? | ||
| What? | ||
| You think... | ||
| Yeah, but your fire is maybe carne. | ||
| No, based on the thing of, like, you can do anything, right? | ||
| You go, no, I can't. | ||
| I need to work harder. | ||
| You have another stroke? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You go, no, I can't. | ||
| I need to work harder. | ||
| You go, I can't shoot a bow and arrow a perfect shot. | ||
| I want to learn that. | ||
| I want to bust my ass. | ||
| I want to do that. | ||
| I'm the opposite way where I go, just give me a shot. | ||
| Let me try this right now. | ||
| That's unrealistic. | ||
| You can surf. | ||
| That is your guy's personality difference. | ||
| Our personality difference is very different. | ||
| I'm very objective about what I can and can't do. | ||
| That's how you get good at things. | ||
| You have to really look at what you're good and not good at and then work really hard at getting good at things. | ||
| Otherwise, you're just bullshitting yourself. | ||
| That gets you hurt if you're a fighter. | ||
| That gets you really hurt. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm not a fighter. | ||
| It actually is really interesting to think about. | ||
| Your background is what informs that opinion you just expressed. | ||
| And his experience is that saying that sometimes works out. | ||
| That's why he keeps saying it. | ||
| Didn't study in college. | ||
| Rolling Stone discovered me. | ||
| All of a sudden, I got a career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the guy who will say... | |
| It's bizarre, right? | ||
| But it worked. | ||
| Go to New York, Will Smith discovers me. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Say I want to run a marathon, I do it. | ||
| You should have heard me the day I ran the marathon. | ||
| I was like, I think I can actually do anything. | ||
| Wait, didn't you say something about kicking field goals? | ||
| I think I could kick a field goal. | ||
| How long could you kick a field goal? | ||
| I feel like I could kick a 35-yarder easily with no work. | ||
| Thank you, Ari! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, Ari! | |
| Remember when Scott Norwood missed a 35-yarder? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| And they lined up, and they said everybody at Washington Stadium was going to try a 35-yarder. | ||
| And people did it, people didn't do it. | ||
| I could easily kick a 35-yarder. | ||
| Thank you, Ari! | ||
| Thank you, Ari! | ||
| I wonder how far you could actually cook a football if you've never kicked a football before. | ||
| 35 yards. | ||
| You have what they call explosivity. | ||
| So you could kick it a lot farther. | ||
| That's what Pat McAfee phrased. | ||
| You could kick it a lot farther than I could. | ||
| I've never kicked anything personally. | ||
| Well, I've kicked things my whole life. | ||
| That's why I'm wondering how far I could kick a football. | ||
| Well, man. | ||
| Because I could kick it straight, too. | ||
| Because I could roundhouse kick shit pretty fucking hard. | ||
| That's interesting, actually. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| You would have to take five tries to learn how to kick it straight, and then once you did that, you could go far. | ||
| The power would be nuts. | ||
| Now, the thing about a field goal isn't necessarily the kicking, it's the mindset. | ||
| Could you roll in? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Can you roll into the moment under pressure and perform? | ||
| That's not hard. | ||
| But that's in the game. | ||
| No, that's what a field goal is. | ||
| So in a game, you've got guys running. | ||
| Yeah, but in a practice, let's say someone's holding it for you, right? | ||
| Or it's on one of those tees, like propped up, and you're just going through the execution of kicking a field goal. | ||
| But hold on, that's not a field goal. | ||
| This is my point. | ||
| What do you mean it's not a field goal? | ||
| So what they're doing to college kids now is saying, you want a scholarship? | ||
| One shot. | ||
| 51 yards. | ||
| Can you make this? | ||
| You get a scholarship. | ||
| Yeah, but you practice for it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, they're not doing that. | ||
| They are 100% doing that. | ||
| They're not lining up a guy going, one shot, 51 yards, you can get a scholarship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please Google that, Jamie. | |
| Please Google that, Jamie. | ||
| What colleges? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Jamie, please Google that. | ||
| Please Google that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have to say, that sounds ridiculous. | |
| Jamie, please Google that. | ||
| It's college. | ||
| It's college. | ||
| Fucking 50,000 a year. | ||
| It's 100% happening. | ||
| It's 100% happening. | ||
| 50,000, $60,000 a year. | ||
| They're like, hey, we'll give it to you. | ||
| Jamie, pull it up, please. | ||
| Just kick that ball once. | ||
| You were trying to get those guys on the scale. | ||
| What? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's see it. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Let's get this field goal thing out first. | ||
| So they are doing that for kids to get a scholarship because they're thinking, fuck, we need you in a pressure moment. | ||
| No bigger moment than you winning your scholarship. | ||
| They've done this for real? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I saw it online. | ||
| I was like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Kid made it. | ||
| Kid made a field goal. | ||
| 51 yards? | ||
| I say numbers. | ||
| What are you worried about numbers? | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| 51 yards is really far. | ||
| That's a legit field goal. | ||
| But I'm telling you, it's not a fucking chip-in that the kid's doing to get a scholarship. | ||
| They do it and say, you want your fucking scholarship? | ||
| Hit a field goal. | ||
| I definitely saw it online. | ||
| I know it's a real thing. | ||
| But my point is... | ||
| You don't have a point. | ||
| Jamie has not looked that up yet, by the way. | ||
| He's the master of looking things up. | ||
| Hey Siri, look up 51... | ||
| No, fuck it. | ||
| Hey Siri, go through stroke analysis. | ||
| Jamie, is that an even there for real? | ||
| Planet 51. This is 51 planets. | ||
| There's a guy in Nevada that gave a scholarship after he hit the game winning. | ||
| He was already on the team. | ||
| There was a guy, I'm telling you. | ||
| A little different story. | ||
| A little different. | ||
| Slightly different. | ||
| I wish this still was live. | ||
| This podcast was live. | ||
| It's totally live. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's being broadcast live right now. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's a video of it. | |
| Coach offers scholarship if kicker hits 53-yard field goal. | ||
| But this is one video. | ||
| Yeah, but he's a player. | ||
| They're offering him scholarship if he can do it. | ||
| That's how that works. | ||
| Walk on kicker. | ||
| And Offrey couldn't refuse. | ||
| But that's not a student, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the walk-off kid. | |
| Oh, no, they didn't like that. | ||
| That's close. | ||
| I'll give Bert that. | ||
| This is closer than what we were talking about. | ||
| So they give this guy a shot. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Everyone's around him. | ||
| Let's watch this. | ||
| Let's watch this. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| And he gets his fucking scholarship. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Is that kind of what I said, off by two yards? | ||
| No, I'll give it to you. | ||
| Thank you, Ari. | ||
| No, that is it. | ||
| It's actually harder than what you said. | ||
| Yeah, it actually is. | ||
| 53-yard field goal. | ||
| Kid just got a scholarship. | ||
| Damn, that's amazing. | ||
| He just saved his parents a lot of money. | ||
| So, here's the thing, though. | ||
| They're not doing that. | ||
| They did that. | ||
| They're not doing that for anybody who can kick a 53-year-old. | ||
| I'll also give that to Joe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You just phrased it, but you were right. | ||
| They did do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They did it once, but it's not something they do. | ||
| Get on the scale, bro. | ||
| You did it. | ||
| Get on the scale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get on the scale. | |
| Fucking no way. | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| Hey, this is a October wrap-up. | ||
| Let's see what you're at. | ||
| I was trying to say this earlier. | ||
| Guys, where are you going to piss? | ||
| I remember doing a podcast with you. | ||
| Piss and then weigh in, Joe. | ||
| I did a podcast with you at the end of September, beginning of October, and you looked like a fucking junkie. | ||
| Like, on the streets. | ||
| That's a podcast you go to? | ||
| The Two Fat Cows podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Wait, I'm sorry, what's the name of our podcast? | ||
| Two Fat Cows. | ||
| It's regular cows, but fatter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two cows, one barn! | |
| Two fat fucks. | ||
| But at the end of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
One barn! | |
| Dude, at the end of October... | ||
| He looked transformed. | ||
| He looked transformed. | ||
| Yeah, at the end of October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| It was one month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One month. | |
| He looked, for everybody, he looked dramatically different. | ||
| Blurp, what are you wearing right now? | ||
| What are you wearing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I weighed the other day, it was 232. What do you weigh? | |
| Between 235 and 238. For what? | ||
| We're telling you the right numbers. | ||
| Tell us if those are the right numbers or not. | ||
| Let me see something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just wear your foot. | |
| Just wear your foot right now. | ||
| Hold on, I'll tell you. | ||
| This thing's fucked. | ||
| Do you want to do a trust way? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| By the way, I had a fourth show for my special, February 7th, fourth show, 10 o'clock show. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm going to do plugs while he's gone. | ||
| Yeah, while he's gone quickly. | ||
| Spokane, New Orleans, Atlanta, Hawaii, Charlotte, Pittsburgh, and Portland, Maine. | ||
| This is the rounding out the Jew tour. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Where are my tickets? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| What if Tom and I weigh in together? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And weigh under 7,000? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| If Tom and I weigh under 500 pounds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to weigh under 500 pounds. | ||
| It's 250 each. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you don't weigh under 500. We would definitely weigh under 500 pounds. | |
| We weigh under 500. Yeah, no, for sure. | ||
| Full clothes on? | ||
| Not peeing? | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'm saying 498? | |
| No, you have to weigh under 450. Yeah, we weigh over 450. Over 450 together? | ||
| Well, yeah, that'd be 225 each. | ||
| And you don't? | ||
| We definitely weigh over that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| 475? | ||
| Pretty poor water. | ||
| 475. Pretty poor water. | ||
| You weighing in? | ||
| Yeah, he's weighing in. | ||
| Joe, what do you think Tom and I weigh in together? | ||
| Him on my back. | ||
| 1,000 pounds. | ||
| I said 7,000, but it might be 1,000. | ||
| How do you still have those tits? | ||
| Jesus, Joe. | ||
| You look like the dude from fucking Guardians of the Galaxy. | ||
| I work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I work out. | |
| You wear the underwear for a guy who works out. | ||
| Oh, you gotta get off first. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta get off first, idiot. | ||
| Stupid idiot, you don't know how to wear yourself. | ||
| Look at your core. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| 205. And what did you say you normally weigh? | ||
| 205. I'd say I'm 205 right now because I've been eating a lot of carbs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's 100% accurate. | ||
| Because he's been eating. | ||
| How come you don't have any chest tattoos? | ||
| This is getting really gay. | ||
| You should get a tattoo right down the middle of your tits that says, like, on it. | ||
| Is this the best shape you've ever been in? | ||
| No, he's bad. | ||
| He's been eating carbs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I meant, like, as a grown-up, this time period? | ||
| No, I'm 10 pounds overweight right now. | ||
| So you think you were in better shape when you were younger? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| No, you should see the fucking Joe Rogan headshot on the Comedy Store wall. | ||
| He's a 140-pound weakling. | ||
| How much did you weigh when you got into comedy? | ||
| Joe, 205 exactly? | ||
| 205, exactly. | ||
| I'm gonna go piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I'm supposed to be like 195. From 195. What'd you get down to in October? | |
| You posted something. | ||
| What? | ||
| 194. 194. I was pretty sure. | ||
| Still birthed at Tom Wade at like 2.30. | ||
| Oh yeah, just for the bit. | ||
| I'll do it again, but just tell him. | ||
| What is believable that we could put you in at? | ||
| Just say 2.32. | ||
| Not 2.28? | ||
| Nah, nah, nah. | ||
| Who wouldn't believe that? | ||
| Here's what we do. | ||
| You climb on, I'm going to get right behind you like I'm trying to make sure that you weigh in and you just lean on me. | ||
| That's how, what's his name, did it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Calvin Gaslam did that. | ||
| No, no, no, the black guy. | ||
| No, Calvin did that. | ||
| The black guy who lost the fucking talent. | ||
| Daniel Cormier. | ||
| Daniel Cormier. | ||
| But no, Calvin leaned on his manager's shoulder. | ||
| Yeah, look. | ||
| Do it, do it, do it. | ||
| Train, train, train, train, train, train, train. | ||
| Train and cheating. | ||
| Train and cheating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just quick, quick, quick, quick. | |
| Quick, quick. | ||
| Now climb on. | ||
| Put your shoulder. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Still going. | |
| Because it's not really because you're going to rest steady. | ||
| Oh, it's an error. | ||
| Because it's very... | ||
| Yeah, you've got to, like, rest steady. | ||
| Okay, we've got to do this right. | ||
| Make your shoulder hard. | ||
| Hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Try the chair. | |
| Okay, he's back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's back. | |
| He's back. | ||
| No, I think he's one of the best guys I've ever met. | ||
| 237. 237? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Okay, get the hat off. | ||
| How much are you carrying? | ||
| Just one handful of cocks. | ||
| What's in between the fat fold and the unfold? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom, immediately out. | |
| Let it zero out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, go ahead. | |
| What's it at? | ||
| 237. It's the same weight! | ||
| It's the same weight! | ||
| 237? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Both play football! | |
| We lost talent! | ||
| Wait a minute, though. | ||
| Wait, but you are fully clothed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fully clothed. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Same thing, same thing, same thing. | ||
| It's a sweatsuit. | ||
| Well, hey, guys. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| These are great pictures. | ||
| This is great for your premiere date. | ||
| When is that date? | ||
| I can't say it. | ||
| Tom, when's yours? | ||
| It's right near then. | ||
| So, are you guys trying to do something? | ||
| Are you trying to do a weight loss challenge? | ||
| Is that what I smell? | ||
| We should. | ||
| Yeah, let's do it. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm in. | |
| I'm fucking totally in. | ||
| Can you bring up a BMI just on your computer? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm totally in. | ||
| That BMI thing is all horseshit. | ||
| No, Joe, it's horseshit for you. | ||
| Because of muscle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we agree that that's not their problem? | |
| It's a different problem. | ||
| Bro, there's a lot of leg muscle in me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Hot spin, bro. | ||
| Hot spin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What can be a weight house challenge for you? | ||
| This is how this all started. | ||
| I had Tom on my podcast, and then Bert went on and said, Tom's losing weight, and you go, no way. | ||
| I can lose more weight than him. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Oh, is that how it started? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were at my old, old apartment. | ||
| Tom I interviewed at his hotel room. | ||
| He had just passed you, and you were like, let's see what we can get down to. | ||
| I could definitely get into a weight loss challenge now. | ||
| I got nothing on the books but a tour. | ||
| 205, I think, is a real number. | ||
| If you do 205, you can get the belt. | ||
| You can still have the belt. | ||
| Both of you. | ||
| First one to 205. Look at that. | ||
| How about not even a specific time period? | ||
| First one to 205. Tom's got nothing, except for Australia's going to be rough. | ||
| No, but he's not really a drinker. | ||
| No, just kangaroos. | ||
| Kangaroos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eating it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Tom can't say no to anything. | ||
| Australia. | ||
| Australian food's not that fat. | ||
| They're very healthy over there. | ||
| Meat pies? | ||
| Meat pies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two of five. | |
| Are you doing Melbourne? | ||
| I am. | ||
| Great restaurants in Melbourne. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great coffee, too. | |
| What's a legit coffee place? | ||
| Bring up a BMI. I'm going to go over that. | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| BMI is, I'm obese right now. | ||
| Joe, we understand that the muscle goes on the outlier. | ||
| I know, but I'm just saying, just numbers-wise, I'm obese, and then when I got to 195, I was just overweight. | ||
| Just made the cut. | ||
| I think 195 is like the borderline of obese. | ||
| I got to 194, so that's overweight. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What would you guys be? | ||
| Burt, you're 6'1", 6'2"? | ||
| 6'1". | ||
| 6'1". | ||
| Tom, you're 4'8". | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't forget, Tom's a great one. | |
| You're Peruvian or Argentinian? | ||
| Peruvian. | ||
| Peruvian. | ||
| I always thought... | ||
| Do you have the attitude of an Argentinian? | ||
| The aloofness and the kind of... | ||
| Better than thou? | ||
| Yeah, that's Argentinian. | ||
| Okay, five... | ||
| No, that's it, right there. | ||
| Five, ten... | ||
| You're 5'11", right? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Six. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
| You know what? | ||
| Let's just, to be fair, call us both six. | ||
| Just because I'll give him an inch. | ||
| Wow, I'm extremely. | ||
| I need an inch. | ||
| 6'1", 5'11". | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| 5'11 and a half? | ||
| You're not six feet. | ||
| Yeah, six feet. | ||
| Does it say extremely obese or just obese? | ||
| I'm just obese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a white thing. | |
| What am I? 6'3"? | ||
| You're healthy as fuck! | ||
| You're healthy as fuck, Ari. | ||
| Where's the weight part? | ||
| This one ends at 215. Oh my god! | ||
| It ends at 215. You guys are doing that for that chart. | ||
| 1-8. | ||
| 1-8. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Okay, there we go. | ||
| Extreme levels. | ||
| 6-3. | ||
| Okay, definitely take that off. | ||
| We should do a bodybuilding challenge. | ||
| 6. Do you really want to do that? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You can get hurt. | ||
| We were talking about doing a power weight lifting challenge. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Who can go from what you can do now to the most weight? | ||
| Who can add on the most weight? | ||
| That's a great way to get hurt. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| No. | ||
| You could get really fucked up, man. | ||
| Let's get really hurt. | ||
| No, I'm up for... | ||
| I'm always up for weight loss challenge. | ||
| The reason... | ||
| What happened with me with 205, not that I could have gotten there. | ||
| I'm not going to say I could have gotten there during Sober October. | ||
| You had a stroke. | ||
| I become obsessive-compulsive about it, and I can't focus... | ||
| On what you have to do. | ||
| You had to do a special. | ||
| You had to do a special, so I was like, I got to disconnect. | ||
| When you got a special, it's like all hands on deck. | ||
| I got nothing on the books other than the Birdie World World Tour. | ||
| What... | ||
| Bertie Bertworth, does that start soon? | ||
| January 30th in Vermont, Burlington. | ||
| First time there. | ||
| How do you get tickets for this? | ||
| Go to BertBertBert.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, Joe. | |
| Second show's added. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Second show's added. | |
| I could get into a weight loss challenge. | ||
| I could really get into a weight loss challenge. | ||
| Do you think you'd get shredded? | ||
| Do you get down like 205? | ||
| I wish I had weighed myself at other times. | ||
| I've got an idea. | ||
| I've got an idea. | ||
| I record my spells for February 7th and 8th. | ||
| I will, at the end of that special, start gaining weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First one to pass me wins. | |
| I love this idea. | ||
| I will eat for real for real. | ||
| What?! | ||
| 186. Damn, look how slim you are. | ||
| That's when I met my wife. | ||
| Damn, you got those fuck handles? | ||
| She signed on for a raw deal. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's got a penny stock. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I will gain weight. | ||
| Wait, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Google Skinny Tom Segura. | ||
| Have you ever seen Tom's jawline? | ||
| He looks like fucking Magnum P.I. when he was skinny. | ||
| Seventh grade? | ||
| Bro, I'm telling you right now, a very, very attractive man. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| Find Skinny Tommy. | ||
| Where can we find that pic? | ||
| You know you know where you can find that. | ||
| And then Google Fat. | ||
| Look at this fucking guy. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Look at his pouty lips. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I might have gotten a scar and a pus. | ||
| You like that, Ari. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I'm standing up like a masturbator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You look good. | ||
| I only masturbate standing up. | ||
| You're good back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's that guy on the left pretending to be you? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Who's that fucking guy? | ||
| Who's that fucking guy? | ||
| That's a fake you. | ||
| Oh, he's got your t-shirt. | ||
| That's not my t-shirt. | ||
| By the way, how great is that title for an album? | ||
| What is that t-shirt? | ||
| No idea. | ||
| That title was great. | ||
| I remember that CD. Thrilled was back in the early 2000s, right? | ||
| 2010. Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
20 times. | |
| Look at you. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| That's a good looking Tom right there. | ||
| That's the one I fell in love with. | ||
| Yeah, look at that sweetie. | ||
| I remember exactly when that was. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| That was on Russell Peters' show on Showtime. | ||
| You got a fat dimple on your chin, on your cheek. | ||
| 2009. The thing about weight loss is if you guys just do the weight loss thing and just get down and wait for a day or a couple days, that doesn't help anybody. | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| No. | ||
| What if you could keep it off? | ||
| That's the key. | ||
| Could you keep it off? | ||
| What is your thing? | ||
| What keeps you eating? | ||
| What's your vice? | ||
| For me, it's pasta. | ||
| It's carbs. | ||
| When I eat a lot of carbs, it's just like, fuck, I can't help myself sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, I would say it's probably carb-related. | ||
| Like, I like rice, bread. | ||
| Pasta. | ||
| Pasta, yeah. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I mean, I'm not a crazy sweet tooth. | ||
| I'm a glutton, too. | ||
| I eat and I'm stuffed and I just keep eating. | ||
| I don't really do that as much anymore. | ||
| I used to do that all the time. | ||
| I used to think that's how meals were completed. | ||
| Like, every meal. | ||
| But that's, I would say, at my worst. | ||
| But I don't think I really eat like that most of the time now. | ||
| But I don't, you know... | ||
| I'm not like... | ||
| Weighing out everything as much as I should, you know. | ||
| So you could just cut back your portions. | ||
| I could, yeah. | ||
| And you'd probably still be fine. | ||
| You probably wouldn't feel like you're denying yourself anything. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how I always feel. | ||
| I always feel like, too, like I'll get on a good meal plan and it's just about the discipline of sticking to it and then, you know, start doing it less. | ||
| What are you doing now? | ||
| Are you going to go with your clothes on? | ||
| How much did you pee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
With your clothes on. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, you're... | ||
| I understand my problem with weight loss. | ||
| I don't understand yours. | ||
| Yours is booze. | ||
| Yeah, mine's booze. | ||
| Yours is booze, obviously. | ||
| Yours is not a booze thing, right? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| But it's more than booze. | ||
| It's the things that booze invites into my life after midnight. | ||
| Late night food is rough. | ||
| But also, the empty calories of booze. | ||
| Empty calories of booze is what it is. | ||
| Seven calories per gram. | ||
| Dude, you lost like fucking 30 pounds by not drinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is yours? | ||
| Yeah, it's food. | ||
| Yeah, so if you lost 30 pounds from not drinking, you'd be 207. You're on 205's door. | ||
| You're just knocking at it. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't know what Tom... | ||
| Because Tom does not... | ||
| We've had dinner a bunch of times. | ||
| It's not like he's a gluttonous eater. | ||
| I bet you have had dinner a bunch of times. | ||
| Tonight. | ||
| I ate with Ralphie, man, and he would fucking... | ||
| He would, like, jaw-drop you on food. | ||
| It was crazy! | ||
| It was crazy! | ||
| We went to Katana once, and he ordered, like, everything, and then it was like, oh, that's great, we're all gonna eat. | ||
| He goes, no, no, that's my order. | ||
| Now you guys put in your order. | ||
| Dude, that's my... | ||
| The Burt's sushi experience with Ralphie is my favorite story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because of the whole thing, is that... | |
| Bert is like, you're an opening act at the time. | ||
| Yeah, it was opening for him. | ||
| And Ralphie is inviting Bert and his wife, or Leanne, or Ralphie's wife. | ||
| They're all having dinner. | ||
| Ralphie's paying all the time. | ||
| Like four meals, four meals. | ||
| And they're in Hawaii. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Oh, sorry, Bahamas. | ||
| Bahamas, yeah. | ||
| And then for the next night, Bert's like, I'm going to cover. | ||
| Like a respectful thing, you know? | ||
| You've bought all these dinners. | ||
| I'm taking you to dinner tonight. | ||
| And they go to sushi. | ||
| It's like Ralphie. | ||
| And Ralphie starts ordering, and they're bringing boats out. | ||
| Like the boats with all the sushi. | ||
| And you guys are jumping in, and you don't realize it's all for him? | ||
| Well, he's just ordering. | ||
| He's just ordering. | ||
| And I know I'm paying for it, but he's just ordering. | ||
| He's like, I got this player. | ||
| And I was like, alright, cool. | ||
| And he just kept ordering and ordering. | ||
| And I'm eating and I'm drinking. | ||
| And then, keep going. | ||
| I like you telling the story better than me. | ||
| It makes me laugh because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ralphie had treated you guys to, like, four meals. | |
| And then you're just like... | ||
| I pull the waitress aside. | ||
| I've been in this position before, too, where somebody's like, you know, you want to be like, you know what? | ||
| Like, I'm a fucking man, and I'm gonna buy dinner. | ||
| Now, tonight's my night. | ||
| But you're not in a position to take this bill. | ||
| So, like, they bring the bill, and it's a fucking four-figure bill. | ||
| This is over a thousand dollar sushi experience. | ||
| And then you insist on paying, and Leanne... | ||
| Leanne goes, how much is it? | ||
| They go, go fuck yourself. | ||
| That's how much it is. | ||
| And she goes, you don't talk to me like that. | ||
| And they go, go fuck yourself again. | ||
| Don't talk to me. | ||
| And Ravi goes, oh, playa. | ||
| You should have just let me pay it for, playa. | ||
| And she goes, why are you talking to me like this? | ||
| And I'm looking at like a fucking $1,500 bill, I think it was $1,200 or $1,500. | ||
| I didn't have the money in the bank account to pay for the tip. | ||
| But it's like that, because I fucking... | ||
| I think why the story always hits me is because I feel myself doing the same... | ||
| I would do the same thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I would do the same thing. | ||
| Ralphie was so generous. | ||
| Like, he just was so generous that... | ||
| I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you. | ||
| I want you to know that I'm your friend and I want to pay for things too. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| Ralphie goes, Leanne's irate at me. | ||
| Storms off. | ||
| Ralphie goes, I'll play her. | ||
| We got to win it back on blackjack. | ||
| Took $1,000 out, maybe $2,000 out of the bank machine. | ||
| Go to roulette. | ||
| Put it on black. | ||
| Hits red. | ||
| All I remember is we were the couple in the lobby fighting. | ||
| Like, it was so bad. | ||
| You can't even, like, save for the hotel room. | ||
| And Ralphie walked past me, and it was not a drop in the bucket. | ||
| Ralphie would lose $2,000, and he just saw me fighting with Leanne. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, oh, Miss Leanne, give him a break. | |
| He tried his best. | ||
| He tried his best. | ||
| I'll see you on the plane, playboy. | ||
| And then Ralphie was on the plane. | ||
| You know, my whole part of the story that I remember the most? | ||
| Ralphie read a book on a flight from Miami to L.A. He read the whole fucking book. | ||
| I've never read a fucking book in five hours. | ||
| He was like a really, like he read a book. | ||
| I remember sitting next to him, he read a book. | ||
| That's the crazy part of the story I remember. | ||
| He was very generous. | ||
| And you were broke? | ||
| Yeah, we were broke, man. | ||
| That's Burt. | ||
| That's Burt. | ||
| I like to roll the dice. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You don't become a comedian if you don't like rolling the dice, man. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| You gotta be crazy. | ||
| You're a comic. | ||
| You gotta be crazy. | ||
| You have to be. | ||
| You have to be a little crazy. | ||
| And if you're not crazy, I don't know if I want to know you. | ||
| Meaning like... | ||
| Speaking of books, did you guys read any during the Sober October? | ||
| Oh, dude, so many good books. | ||
| You didn't do any of that, did you? | ||
| Dude, I fucking read like five. | ||
| You didn't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did it? | |
| I started reading three books. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I went all audio. | ||
| I started reading, and I'm like, I don't have time for this. | ||
| It's never going to happen. | ||
| And then I said, whatever it is, I'm going to have to pay a fine. | ||
| 500, I realized immediately was like, oh, this isn't just like, okay, and also read 500 pages. | ||
| That number should have been 200. Mm-hmm. | ||
| No, it should have been 500. We should have had a penalty if you didn't do it. | ||
| That should have been the whole thing, is 500 pages. | ||
| If we had a penalty. | ||
| I was thinking to myself, I just don't have the fucking time. | ||
| You have to really commit to reading books. | ||
| I had to really work hard. | ||
| I think I'm the only one who did it. | ||
| You did it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You did it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But my classes weren't like, I didn't make fucking, you know, fucking... | ||
| Con's Film Festival classes. | ||
| Bro, the classes were the best thing about Sober October. | ||
| The fucking gun shooting was the fun as shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Taron. | |
| Taron Tactical? | ||
| Taron Tactical, man. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| That dude's awesome. | ||
| That was really fun. | ||
| Yeah, that whole setup is amazing. | ||
| Like, learning how to really shoot correctly. | ||
| That looked cool. | ||
| That was really great. | ||
| How long are you in town for? | ||
| The night. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Do you leave tomorrow? | ||
| When are you back? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why don't you jet set back and forth like a fucking international man of mystery that you are? | ||
| I'm going to come more often. | ||
| I do want to do your Spanish podcast, Tom. | ||
| Bang, bang. | ||
| I want to try to get by on that. | ||
| I'm going to try it four or five times a year. | ||
| We're shooting bang, bang, bang, bang. | ||
| It looks cool as shit. | ||
| It's fun, man. | ||
| It was funny shit. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was really funny shit. | |
| It's really fun. | ||
| Bang, bang. | ||
| Bang, bang. | ||
| They didn't hit you with anything like a child crossing the street kind of thing? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You had to hit everything. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's all metal. | ||
| You're just shooting at metal. | ||
| Taren's so sick, man. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| I'm saying like in Please Academy, there were these things like, don't shoot that, do shoot this. | ||
| Something would pop up, but that's advanced stuff, man. | ||
| We're babies. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| It looked cool. | ||
| That place almost burned down. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It got real close. | ||
| Real close. | ||
| The fire got right up at the doorway there. | ||
| Yeah, but that place is... | ||
| That's an experience, man. | ||
| You should do it. | ||
| That is really cool. | ||
| That's one of those... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert did it. | |
| There's a few times where I wish... | ||
| You loved it, right? | ||
| I wish I still lived in LA when you guys were doing fun shit like that. | ||
| I'm like, ah, I wish I was there. | ||
| You should have a place out here, man. | ||
| You should do both. | ||
| It's not a question of place. | ||
| It's on the road and also... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Tons of stand-up spots. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| You come out with us, Ari. | ||
| Bro, you can have tons of stand-up spots out here. | ||
| Are we friends together? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I forgot you drugged him. | ||
| I forgot that. | ||
| Dude, I'll tell you right now. | ||
| Is your wife over it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| My kids aren't over it either. | ||
| That really breaks my heart. | ||
| Your kids aren't? | ||
| That's what really breaks my heart. | ||
| You should buy them stuff. | ||
| You should buy them stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Let it breathe until one day they find you're funny and they're like... | ||
| That might not happen. | ||
| You should buy them stuff. | ||
| Buy them something cool. | ||
| I told Joe in the green room, I decided to forgive Ari so that the people I hate know how much I really hate them. | ||
| Ooh, I like that. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| I like what you said. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Do stuff out of spite. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like to let people know. | ||
| Like, this guy drugged me in front of my kids, and I still forgive him. | ||
| What in front of your kids? | ||
| What do you mean in front of your kids? | ||
| That's not a part that mattered. | ||
| Let's not talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you have kids, it's a part. | |
| Yeah, we're good. | ||
| A person with no kids doesn't understand that. | ||
| I had to come to a moment. | ||
| I had a spiritual healer come to my house to clear my energy. | ||
| I talked to Tom about it. | ||
| And she cleared our new house for all its bad energy. | ||
| And then she said, I see some darkness in you. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| I told Joe about it. | ||
| I was dealing with darkness in my head about just OCD shit. | ||
| And I went, alright, fuck, what is it? | ||
| And she picked you out in a heartbeat and I went, I am not, I haven't forgiven her yet. | ||
| She probably listens to the podcast. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I called you and was like, I'm over it. | ||
| And then I'm like, you're still not over it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wasn't over it. | |
| Do you know any spiritual healers listen to this podcast? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| So what? | ||
| So what? | ||
| She said Aerie Schaefer and he was like, yes. | ||
| It's Aerie Schaefer. | ||
| Did you do something to burnt Chrysler? | ||
| She said it's... | ||
| If you... | ||
| I'm forgetting the exact words. | ||
| I know because I'm a little strokey. | ||
| But, uh... | ||
| Something about bringing Jay Moore up. | ||
| It was about... | ||
| A little fuse. | ||
| I'm going to have to deal with that tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
| It was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was what? | |
| It was... | ||
| If you love him, you've got to help fix his karma. | ||
| This bad karma for him. | ||
| And I thought... | ||
| I do. | ||
| I can't write you off. | ||
| I couldn't think straight. | ||
| Every time I was on a hike, my girlfriend was like, what? | ||
| I'm like, I'm my friend. | ||
| I'm still not friends with him. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| She said, you've got to fix his karma if you care about him. | ||
| And I was like, I do. | ||
| I can't not have conversations with him. | ||
| Your conversations are too important to me. | ||
| Seeing you in New York, when I go to New York and spending time with you is too important to me. | ||
| And I know you. | ||
| I know you so well. | ||
| And I know that you're... | ||
| I said to someone, I think I may have said to Tom, I said, he's a great guy. | ||
| He's just a bad person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll take that. | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| And it's like, he didn't... | ||
| And he was like, you didn't mean to... | ||
| You never meant to hurt me at all. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| And I talked to Joe and Tom about this ad nauseum. | ||
| But I was like, I can't... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| Man, I'm not in a place to look for new fucking friends. | ||
| I got him. | ||
| He's one of my friends. | ||
| You know one thing that's beautiful about this? | ||
| We're here in 2019. In any other business. | ||
| If you drugged a peer... | ||
| And you did so publicly. | ||
| And that it was discussed publicly. | ||
| And yet, you were on my podcast, two weeks later, we were howling about it. | ||
| We got high! | ||
| We were smoking weed and just laughing about the fact that you drugged him. | ||
| It was hard because it was serious, but it was also super not serious at the same time. | ||
| We were having a good time. | ||
| We were having a good time talking about it. | ||
| And then we were also talking about how no one's kicked you out of the comedy community. | ||
| It was never even a thought. | ||
| There's not a second where you're not getting booked anywhere. | ||
| Not a second where you're ostracized. | ||
| It's like this is the last frontier for savages. | ||
| This is the last frontier for people that are doing wild, crazy, stupid shit. | ||
| And that is one of the wildest, craziest, stupidest fucking things you can do is drug someone when they don't know you're drugging them. | ||
| It's like a fucking... | ||
| It is the line-stepping of all line-stepping. | ||
| And we're like, ah! | ||
| I thought I had the lines worked out. | ||
| Joey Diaz had the funniest fucking take on it. | ||
| Joey Diaz called me up. | ||
| He goes, listen to me. | ||
| This fucking Bert and Ari thing. | ||
| He goes, Ari's family. | ||
| He goes, he's here. | ||
| He's here. | ||
| He's not going anywhere. | ||
| We're not getting rid of him. | ||
| I go, we're not getting rid of him. | ||
| He goes, exactly. | ||
| I go, I'm not saying we are. | ||
| He goes, I know you're not. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| And he goes, look, he fucked up. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| I'm not saying anything. | ||
| Joey's like arguing. | ||
| He calls you up. | ||
| He'll call you up arguing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like he's arguing with somebody else. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| We're fucking, he's family. | ||
| Out of the gate. | ||
| I'm like, I definitely agree with you. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not arguing here. | ||
| He called me like two days after and he's like, I just answered the phone and he goes, you gotta forgive him. | ||
| I didn't say a word. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going through some shit right now. | ||
| Go through your shit, cocksucker. | ||
| Do what you gotta do. | ||
| You gotta forgive him. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| Now he's got a bit about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was killer. | |
| It's killer. | ||
| It's killer. | ||
| I thought we might... | ||
| I thought... | ||
| I was like, oh, we're going to do this podcast. | ||
| I was like, I thought we might talk about this. | ||
| I kind of wrote down some feelings. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| You're lying right now. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| You're so lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not. | |
| No, he's not. | ||
| Also, I smuggled some fruit in. | ||
| A felony. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| If you guys want some grenadillas. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| Grenadillas. | ||
| Don't tell anybody. | ||
| Don't show the fruit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's a lie. | ||
| We're just joking, folks. | ||
| Any DEA agents, or who would it be? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Agriculture? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Agriculture people. | ||
| If you tell me they're all in Spanish, I'm going to fucking jump over this table. | ||
| Can you play the Hulk music? | ||
| It's all in Spanish. | ||
| Can you play this theme of the Hulk? | ||
| How are you in Spanish? | ||
| Can you translate? | ||
| I gotta pee, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You gotta pee? | ||
| I gotta pee. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, read it over Brent. | ||
| My dearest Brent. | ||
| You're a fucking cunt. | ||
| Can you just let him read what you wrote and translate it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Better move. | ||
| Better move. | ||
| We can do that. | ||
| I double spaced it. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| I'm going to have a mispelling of two C. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck me. | |
| What is it? | ||
| Before this goes viral, can I just mention the Birdie Boy World Tour? | ||
| It says, uh, alright, dear Brent, uh, what's important? | ||
| Our friendship is important. | ||
| Um, friendship is more important now that Tom is occupied with the fried pizza. | ||
| This is as important to me as Tom is with deep fried pizza. | ||
| With deep fried pizza, great. | ||
| It's more important to me than... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Add that fruit. | |
| Don't show it on camera. | ||
| That's a felony. | ||
| More important to me than Joe's obsession with killing animals. | ||
| Killing defenseless animals in the woods. | ||
| Defenseless animals. | ||
| They have horns. | ||
| Beautiful animals in the woods. | ||
| They're going to fuck you up with those horns. | ||
| More... | ||
| Alright, there you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Let's see if I can remember this. | ||
| Just speak from the heart. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Just say it. | ||
| You don't have to read it. | ||
| Just tell him how you feel. | ||
| Friendship is more important to me than anything. | ||
| Even more important than Tom is deep fried pizza. | ||
| More important than Joe is killing animals. | ||
| More important than... | ||
| Oh, some of this is really mean. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Just put that down and tell me sorry. | ||
| But I wrote some funny stuff. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Friendship is more important to me than Eliza's... | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Don't do this. | ||
| Don't do this. | ||
| I would not read that. | ||
| Let your friends tell you. | ||
| Don't do this. | ||
| We're your friends. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| Listen, look at the face of Brody. | ||
| I wrote one funny... | ||
| Living without you would be worse than Tony Hinchcliffe living without the mural above his bed of him blowing Joe Rogan as Jeff Ross fucks him in the ass. | ||
| I don't think he has that. | ||
| He does have that. | ||
| I've seen it in his apartment. | ||
| Who painted it? | ||
| So you read this in Spanish and you pulled the plug. | ||
| I saw what was coming up. | ||
| Hey, let me tell you something. | ||
| I'll tell you this right now. | ||
| I didn't know all the fallback was going to happen. | ||
| The point is, all I wanted to do was, I like playing pranks. | ||
| I will do what you said, Joe. | ||
| It's just speaking from the heart. | ||
| I like playing pranks. | ||
| I like doing fun stuff. | ||
| And I thought, the same thing I did with Luis Gomez, where he had this great announcement for Skank Fest and was like, I'm going to ruin that. | ||
| And I'm going to do it by promoting it. | ||
| And I thought, I'll give you what you love doing, which is great content for your fans. | ||
| I know you're never going to release that podcast, but it was... | ||
| The best podcast. | ||
| Top 20 podcasts of all time of any podcast. | ||
| And I thought, I'll give that to you. | ||
| I'll have a fun time with my friend. | ||
| I didn't know all the fallback was going to happen. | ||
| I didn't know your kids were going to come home and say, you know... | ||
| That I got raped. | ||
| That you got raped by Ari. | ||
| Which I don't know why they... | ||
| Here's what I don't know. | ||
| Why they wouldn't think you have better stamina and strength than me. | ||
| Why they wouldn't think that you would rape me. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kids are intuitive. | ||
| Maybe they saw something in you that I don't see. | ||
| A fanciness or something, but I don't know. | ||
| Read it. | ||
| Go back to reading it. | ||
| The point is this. | ||
| Go back to reading it! | ||
| I wanted to have fun. | ||
| I thought, I have a prank. | ||
| I thought the prank first. | ||
| I'm going to dose somebody in a podcast. | ||
| I'm going to give them acid or molly. | ||
| And I was like, who can I do it to? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I thought of Luis Gomez first, but I was like, he's an unknown. | ||
| He's worthless. | ||
| And I actually don't like him that much. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| And then I thought, it has to be a good friend. | ||
| You can't do it to a semi-friend. | ||
| It has to be someone who parties. | ||
| So it can't be these two faggots. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And then it hit me, the fucking, the machine. | ||
| I know the machine. | ||
| So I was like, I will do that with Bert. | ||
| That was my thought. | ||
| And I know people are telling you that I thought you were weak. | ||
| That's the furthest thing from the truth. | ||
| I thought you were fun. | ||
| If you've forgiven me, but I won't do this. | ||
| Sometimes people do something and they have it in their head that it's going to be okay, and they don't understand how other people are going to perceive it. | ||
| It's not that they did it with bad intentions, it's just that they fucked up. | ||
| And I didn't think about you having to fucking run interference with me against your wife. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I'll tell you right now, the biggest thing that fucked me up about it, the biggest thing was that when it happened, I knew I was going to have to take care of you. | ||
| I knew all the implications of what was about to trickle down. | ||
| And that was the one thing where I was like, why would you make my life more complicated? | ||
| And I told you on the phone. | ||
| And by the way, no one said this other than me. | ||
| I said this to myself, and I've said this to Joe a million times. | ||
| It's that moniker of, like, you think I'm weak. | ||
| It's my biggest fucking thing of, like, people to go, in my head... | ||
| And I would go, I know Joe doesn't say that. | ||
| I know Tom doesn't say that. | ||
| And I know you don't say that. | ||
| But in that moment, I was like, is he doing what these enemies do to me? | ||
| Where he just thinks, oh, he's some fucking weak comic who just rips his shirt off. | ||
| Taking advantage of your good nature. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that was the thing. | ||
| And when I was on the phone with you, I was in Connecticut. | ||
| I was with Shane in the car. | ||
| And I told you that. | ||
| And you said, oh, my God. | ||
| I would never think. | ||
| Because I share that with you privately. | ||
| I share it publicly now. | ||
| But I shared both of you privately. | ||
| Your response, I knew that's why you didn't do that. | ||
| And I was like, alright, I can get past this. | ||
| Which was a big thing for me to go, I can get past this. | ||
| And then it took a little bit to just go... | ||
| Still mad though. | ||
| No. | ||
| At a certain point I thought, it's just a reward. | ||
| Does Ari bring more to my life than that one stupid fucking moment? | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I said, yeah, he does. | ||
| You bring a lot to my life, Ari. | ||
| You don't know that. | ||
| I don't share that maybe enough with you, but you bring up a lot to my life. | ||
| And all you guys do. | ||
| I mean, our friendship means a lot more to me maybe than it means to you guys sometimes. | ||
| No, it means a lot to me too, man. | ||
| It does. | ||
| This podcast that we do, these regular podcasts we do, some of my favorite. | ||
| They're so fun. | ||
| Yeah, the chat thread. | ||
| Dude, I'll tell you. | ||
| The text thread's fun. | ||
| The text thread's fucking awesome. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Don't eat that. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| Agriculture's going to come here. | ||
| They have a helicopter. | ||
| But yeah, if we're being 100% honest. | ||
| You skipped every other word. | ||
| You're like, don't eat. | ||
| Helicopter here. | ||
| Agriculture. | ||
| Do you have a stroke too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's contagious. | ||
| Both of these guys were, I don't know, I have to share this, both of these guys were very, very valuable to me in that moment where I was super vulnerable. | ||
| Both of them had a moment where it was fun, and then a moment where they called me and they were concerned. | ||
| Yeah, when you told me during the podcast, when I first did the podcast, I'm like, what happened? | ||
| You're like, oh, just wait. | ||
| Like, you didn't even want to talk about it until, that's when I knew it was serious. | ||
| I still thought it was fun until it was like, and then Tom was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| And I was like, wait, is this serious? | ||
| No other business! | ||
| If you were working in HR at a fucking network and you guys went on a Christmas party and you drugged somebody, that's the end of your fucking career, man. | ||
| First of all, free drugs. | ||
| Free drugs. | ||
| Free drugs to someone. | ||
| Yeah, but they didn't want it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, I knew he was really upset about it, too, you know? | ||
| Yeah, when you told me afterwards, you're like, oh, he's really fucked up over it. | ||
| But I also wanted really badly for you guys to make up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I spoke to both. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| Both of you. | ||
| Both of you guys did. | ||
| Yeah, Tom called me and was like, hey, I saw you. | ||
| I called you every day trying to like... | ||
| You called me every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every day. | |
| You wouldn't take my call. | ||
| And Tom was like, hey, I saw you call him. | ||
| I just knew that it was wrong for me to answer because I didn't know what to say to you, and I wasn't right in the head yet. | ||
| And I was like, I'm really angry, but I'm not mad at him. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I was like, I feel victimized, but I know I'm not a victim. | ||
| I know that this is going to be fine. | ||
| I call Whitney. | ||
| I talked to Whitney about it. | ||
| What did she say? | ||
| Call the police? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We were in the backstage of the comedy store. | ||
| Call the police, it's a felony. | ||
| I'm like, you think that's the only felony I've ever committed? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Hey, put that down. | ||
| Don't film it. | ||
| We were in the backstage of the comedy store, or in the back bar, and we saw David Spade and Whitney when I was on High on Molly. | ||
| You were having a great time! | ||
| I was having a blast. | ||
| You saw David Spade there, and you're like, oh, I've got a great story for David Spade. | ||
| I've always been sexually attracted to him, and this is my moment. | ||
| I went over David Spade. | ||
| I can hear you say that now. | ||
| When I heard you say that on the podcast, I got mad at you. | ||
| I was like, it's so fucked up, man. | ||
| It's so fucked up. | ||
| There's so many complex moments in this where you're right. | ||
| You're totally right. | ||
| David Spade was back there and me and you were back there and I was like, I got drunk by Molly. | ||
| And then he brought it up on his show and it's like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And even the podcast, I was like, I was conflicting because I go, this is super compelling content. | ||
| You saw it during the podcast! | ||
| I definitely did. | ||
| I'm so mad at you for doing this, but I see it now. | ||
| I see it. | ||
| This is the best podcast. | ||
| But I was like, in retrospect, I was like, I can't release it. | ||
| I don't want to be the guy that people come on my show and they go, I'm going to fucking drug him in that time. | ||
| No, it's a one-time only thing. | ||
| But I talked to Whitney and Whitney was like, Whitney, oddly enough, said exactly what Joe said and said, this is really... | ||
| It's not right, man. | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| You shouldn't be drugging people in front of their kids. | ||
| She was like, I'm sorry I didn't say that to you. | ||
| In the thing, I didn't know how you felt. | ||
| And that's how Joe felt. | ||
| That's also how Tom felt. | ||
| I didn't know how I felt, so I brought all these energies of like, I got drugged, and then everything's on the table, and everyone's like, I gotta figure out your fucking emotions. | ||
| And I hadn't figured them out yet. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you, man. | ||
| When you lean on friends, and you come out of a place like that, and you go... | ||
| In a weird way, I was like, I feel a lot closer to the four of us after that, and I'm like, I'm definitely not glad it happened. | ||
| You drugged us all together. | ||
| You brought us closer. | ||
| In a metaphorical way, I did. | ||
| And the funny part is I was like, I was like... | ||
| He wanted to kill Sober October. | ||
| But now he's got to do it for the rest of his fucking life. | ||
| Because he didn't win. | ||
| We're always going to do Sober October. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Every year, Ari. | ||
| Every fucking year. | ||
| Yeah, you kind of have to now. | ||
| You drugged him in front of his kids. | ||
| You drugged me in front of my children. | ||
| First of all, what drug? | ||
| It's MDMA. You asked him to be like so roofie. | ||
| Fucked up his brain for like weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you understand that? | ||
| I'm still doing the deal with OCD shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, you know what would be fucking funny? | ||
| You literally spiraled him. | ||
| And I think you could do this. | ||
| You could chloroform him. | ||
| That would be a fucking... | ||
| You can get that online. | ||
| That's a drugging. | ||
| That would be good. | ||
| That's a drugging. | ||
| That would be a good thing. | ||
| No, no, don't do that. | ||
| I will say to anyone at home doing MDMA, your friend is 5-HDP. I told Bert, but he was not in a place where he was going to trust anything I would say. | ||
| That has 5HDP in it. | ||
| 5HDP will equalize your mood and I meant to bring it with me and I didn't and I fucked up hard. | ||
| I pride myself on dosing people the right way. | ||
| It's like you learn nothing. | ||
| During that podcast I remember this too. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| We were feeling, like, really good. | ||
| We were feeling really good. | ||
| I did feel really good during that podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| It was a fun time. | ||
| You were on ecstasy. | ||
| We were watching Sunset over Joey Diaz's head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz's head. | |
| Bro, there's nothing more beautiful. | ||
| On my deathbed, when you get that six seconds of memories to your life, I hope I see Joey Diaz like Jesus Christ, like Buddha, just going, listen, cocksucker, if you would have had a stroke, it would have already happened. | ||
| You're going to be fine. | ||
| I didn't know you were freaking out. | ||
| You handled it like a professional. | ||
| I didn't have much of an option there, Captain! | ||
| No, but you were like... | ||
| You handled it like a pro. | ||
| That's what drugs do, is they take you over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can't wait to see... | ||
| So, are we going to do this next year? | ||
| Let's do it in January. | ||
| January? | ||
| Let's do a mid-month. | ||
| Let's do a mid-year month and do a fun... | ||
| Here's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yes, I agree with that. | ||
| It's way easier to do it, I think, in June or something. | ||
| Like a non-touring month. | ||
| Yeah, but Sober October is what we've been calling it. | ||
| We can do that in October. | ||
| I'll do it in October again as well. | ||
| I don't mind. | ||
| We could do it any time. | ||
| Do you like doing gigs as much when you can't have a little drink? | ||
| By the way, I haven't smoked pot in 16 days. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I just haven't had me in Columbia. | ||
| It sucked doing Europe without being able to just... | ||
| Yeah, there's always going to be a reason why you won't do it, but I'm saying October, Yankee playoffs games, there's things... | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You love what? | ||
| I love Sober October. | ||
| You love the month, or you love just doing it online? | ||
| I love having an excuse not to get drunk every fucking night. | ||
| Let's do that in January. | ||
| Let's stop right there. | ||
| Are you really doing that every night? | ||
| You getting drunk every night? | ||
| No, not every night, but on the road, especially... | ||
| You go to Boston. | ||
| You do a show in Boston. | ||
| Oh, you do this thing, though. | ||
| You do this thing where you invite everybody to a bar afterwards. | ||
| You're wild. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You are wild. | ||
| You're the only one who goes out with your friends. | ||
| Tom has a general disdain for fans. | ||
| He won't touch them or look at them. | ||
| He thinks it's beneath them. | ||
| But, like, you actually go out with them. | ||
| We used to do photos with everybody after shows. | ||
| When I first started doing shows with the Ice House, you were the most generous human being. | ||
| You'd sit in line. | ||
| Guys would be like, Joe, I want to talk to you one quick second about Ice House. | ||
| I was happy to do that. | ||
| Chicago Theater. | ||
| I did Chicago Theater. | ||
| 3,700 people for two shows. | ||
| They would line it up. | ||
| They would line up two levels. | ||
| Yeah, hours. | ||
| Hours of taking pictures of people. | ||
| But it got weird. | ||
| It got too weird. | ||
| And too many people just... | ||
| The podcast got to this weird, strange space where people would come to me with like 10-page letters and proposals of things that we needed to do together and they just wanted too much of you. | ||
| And I just realized I've got to step away from that. | ||
| I'm not there. | ||
| I like to name a bar, give them good business. | ||
| Well, you also like to get fucked up. | ||
| So you, after the show, want to get fucked up and party. | ||
| I'd still go out during October and hang out. | ||
| Just not drink. | ||
| I'm saying. | ||
| I would have a lot more fun with this if we did it in January. | ||
| It starts up... | ||
| I'll do it this January? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| We could do it in January. | ||
| We don't have to do Sober October. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We could do January. | ||
| That's for Australia, though. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Are we doing this, like, in a couple days? | ||
| No! | ||
| Next year! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| January would be a lot. | ||
| October is just like, you guys don't live in New York. | ||
| My fucking Mickey Mantle brain was like, I'm in. | ||
| Let's do it if I can do it. | ||
| Let's lose weight. | ||
| Let's get 205. January is World Carnivore Month. | ||
| That's one thing that I've thought about doing. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are just eating meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Only meat? | |
| Nothing but meat. | ||
| I did that once for a month. | ||
| How'd you go? | ||
| Didn't shit. | ||
| At all? | ||
| At all. | ||
| For a month? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, the only vegetables I had were garnished, like sauteed mushrooms on top of a steak. | ||
| Did you do it on purpose? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You didn't shit for a month? | ||
| I shit for the first, like, week or so, and then, like, once every, like, week after that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| What were those shits like when they came out? | ||
| For your world carnivore... | ||
| Like they were old. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like they were rotten. | ||
| Way opposite from what I got now. | ||
| Like they were dried out and rotten inside of you. | ||
| Like cadaver and fucking cancer lungs. | ||
| It was a problem. | ||
| Like cancer lungs coming out of your asshole. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| I'm going to fall asleep. | ||
| Let's figure this out, wrap this up, have a drink outside. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I will say, we can do it in January. | ||
| I'll personally have a lot more fun with it. | ||
| As a New Yorker, October is the... | ||
| Honestly, probably the best drinking month of the year, so it's extra hard for me. | ||
| But if we do it in January, it's great. | ||
| And if we have a real competition, it would be even better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The problem with real competitions is I'm crazy. | |
| Reading is something that you can't make videos on, but something you can actually do. | ||
| The thing I loved about what we did last October was that I felt very... | ||
| I'm untethered from the group and competition wise. | ||
| So it was fun for me. | ||
| Let's plan it out. | ||
| The classes were fun. | ||
| Separate thing. | ||
| That was the most fun. | ||
| Starting February 8th, I will be gaining weight and you guys will be losing weight. | ||
| That's the date? | ||
| February 8th will be done with my special. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| First one to pass me. | ||
| I'll weigh in every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to get down to 190. You'll pass me first. | |
| You're starting at 180 basically? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll probably be at 175. Wait, what do you think you can get up to? | |
| I've been up to... | ||
| I've been up to 240 before. | ||
| You have? | ||
| Pull that picture up, Jamie. | ||
| Oh, I remember that. | ||
| I remember those days. | ||
| No, no, I was in college. | ||
| No, no, you got fat. | ||
| You got fat when I knew you. | ||
| I've been like 220. You have? | ||
| Yeah, I remember. | ||
| And then he's eating candy. | ||
| She's eating candy all day. | ||
| A lot of candy. | ||
| A lot of candy. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And then he just quit eating candy. | ||
| And I was like, that motherfucker's got a willpower. | ||
| That's one thing when we did the Sober October Fitness Challenge, honestly, like legitimately, Ari was the only one I was worried about. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you're crazy. | ||
| Because I remember doing jiu-jitsu with you. | ||
| I just didn't want to lose. | ||
| I know, you don't like to lose. | ||
| You get very serious. | ||
| We would play pool, and even though I'm a better pool player than Ari, I would give him the 7, 8, and 9, and we would gamble. | ||
| So we'd play 9 ball, and I'd have to run all the balls and sink the 9 to win, but Ari could win if he sunk the 7, the 8, or the 9. | ||
| It's a giant advantage. | ||
| It's a huge difference, and we would play fucking serious. | ||
| He would get very competitive. | ||
| And then I bought him a year of jiu-jitsu once for Christmas or Hanukkah, whatever the fuck you celebrate. | ||
| You know it's Hanukkah. | ||
| Whatever. - Whatever. | ||
| You don't even believe in God. | ||
| You don't even believe in God. | ||
| You're an atheist. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| Anyway, so we were doing jiu-jitsu, and it got fucking very serious. | ||
| Like, we were rolling together. | ||
| Like, he's really trying. | ||
| He's very competitive. | ||
| Ari's very competitive. | ||
| But, like, he's got a very strong mind. | ||
| And I was like, this motherfucker... | ||
| We're not doing anything where, like... | ||
| You have to get better at a physical skill. | ||
| It's very simple. | ||
| All you have to do is have willpower to stay at 80% of your max heart rate for a long time. | ||
| And that's all willpower. | ||
| That's really all it is. | ||
| Or if you're smart enough to distract yourself, like Ari figured out how to watch movies. | ||
| That was a big game changer in the fucking thing. | ||
| On the strap? | ||
| Yeah, once you figure out how to watch movies while you're on a treadmill or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, it was annoying to have to constantly be like working out. | ||
| Constantly working out. | ||
| That challenge part, none of us expected that to all of us to go for it. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| That part off each other. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| When you got the flu and then you came back from the flu and ran 13 fucking miles. | ||
| That's why we didn't do a competition this year. | ||
| We didn't do a competition because everybody's girlfriend or wives was like, no, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody, they're mad. | ||
| My whole family. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Plus, I was just crazy, man. | ||
| I was so into it. | ||
| I just, like, opened up that door. | ||
| I opened up that door that I didn't... | ||
| I hadn't opened up that door in fucking decades. | ||
| Who do you think will pass me first and wait between the two of you? | ||
| Me. | ||
| You think him, too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll just become an obsessive compulsive about it. | ||
| It's not super fun, but I'm cool with it if I know I've got nothing to do. | ||
| I've got so much pizza. | ||
| Do it, man. | ||
| How fat are you going to get? | ||
| I mean, hopefully one of them stops me. | ||
| How great would it be if we didn't lose any weight and you just passed us? | ||
| You're 180. You have to gain 25 pounds just to get to Burt's target weight. | ||
| That's a lot of weight. | ||
| And Tom's target weight, too. | ||
| I want you to look at this. | ||
| I didn't think of it that way. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Tom might have done something a little earlier that we'll talk about in a minute. | ||
| But there's stacks of steaks. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The fucking phone. | ||
| 25 stacks of steaks. | ||
| Hold on, Joe. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Joe. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| When I was in the bathroom, what the fuck happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Jamie, Jamie, what happened? | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| Tom, any thoughts? | ||
| You cunts. | ||
| I didn't do anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You saw the way in. | |
| You walked in. | ||
| You walked in on it. | ||
| You saw the number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Watch the video tomorrow. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| He leaned on my shoulder. | ||
| Wait, how did you know what I was going to weigh? | ||
| That's my idea. | ||
| Well, he got lucky. | ||
| You know what we're going to do for Super October this year? | ||
| I remember now. | ||
| Oh, you cunt. | ||
| I saw Tom weighing in and I went, oh, that's why I should weigh in. | ||
| He's weighing in. | ||
| You motherfuckers. | ||
| I would never do something like that. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Can I tell you, today I thought to myself, I'd only cheat on my wife if I was with you on the road and you were cheating on Christina. | ||
| I was like, then I'd be cool with it. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| If we were both in a tour bus, you're like, Bert, let's both fuck him. | ||
| I was like, alright, Tom, we're in. | ||
| That'd be a fun podcast. | ||
| By the way, I thought you were doing the Benny Hill song. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With Tom and I chasing two taking whores around a bus. | |
| Benny Hill. | ||
| Who the fuck ever brings up that show anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the last time you heard Benny Hill. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| How does that song go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's me and John chasing around two naked chicks. | |
| He was like smacking people and girls would smack him. | ||
| It was always cute girls, right? | ||
| He was like a pervert. | ||
| That was a straight me too. | ||
| God, I forgot about that fucking show. | ||
| You just brought that up. | ||
| That's probably the first time I thought about that show in more than a decade. | ||
| Long time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rape doesn't sound that bad with this music. | ||
| Pull up a video of the Benny Hill Show, because I barely remember it. | ||
| I remember he was like a chubby English guy, right? | ||
| A lot of big expressions, right? | ||
| Hey, Ari, pour us a shot. | ||
| That's how much I trust you. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| The Benny Hill Show. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
| I'm not going to do it ever again. | ||
| I know you won't. | ||
| I trust you. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Benny Hill. | ||
| Yeah, everything was like all fast and speeded up and weird. | ||
| Remember that show? | ||
| Irish people suck. | ||
| Alright, we should wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Let's do a shot while we're in the show. | ||
| Do a shot while we're in the show. | ||
| Goodbye, America. | ||
| Not a vodka. | ||
| Let's do a nice whiskey shot while we're in the show. | ||
| Oh, a real one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A real one. | ||
| Do we have glasses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep your eyes on... | |
| Maybe you shouldn't pour it, if you know what I'm saying. | ||
| Do we have glasses for shots? | ||
| I got this fucking watered down... | ||
| I got this one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Hey, Merry Christmas, guys. | ||
| Merry Christmas, gentlemen. | ||
| Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Stupid idiot. | ||
| Shout out to... | ||
| Oh, by the way, this is the 10th anniversary of the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, this is the 10th anniversary of the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No shit. | |
| Today is. | ||
| This podcast changed stand-up. | ||
| In a lot of ways, right? | ||
| I would agree with that 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, bro. | |
| Straight from the bottle. | ||
| And podcasting. | ||
| And podcasting. | ||
| Definitely changed my life. | ||
| Changed my life. | ||
| Changed the fuck out of my life. | ||
| Gentlemen, I love you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love you too. | |
| Merry Christmas. | ||
| Happy Shaka Khan. | ||
| Shaka Khanna. | ||
| Salute. | ||
| Salute. | ||
| Jamie-san. | ||
| Alright, that's it America and the rest of the world that wishes they were America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See ya! |
Export Selection