Oct. 1, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:41:06
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Ari Shafir, we're here. | ||
| It's Sober October. | ||
| Are we allowed to smoke cigars? | ||
| Yeah, we're allowed to smoke cigars. | ||
| Let's smoke a cigar. | ||
| Let's fucking bend the rules a little. | ||
| I have three in my trunk. | ||
| I have two right here. | ||
| These are good. | ||
| I was smoking cigars with Burr on the show. | ||
| People are going to be mad at us. | ||
| This is tobacco. | ||
| You're using tobacco products. | ||
| You're totally cheating. | ||
| Well, I can suck my cheese. | ||
| They can or it can? | ||
| They can suck my cheese with their fucking stupid rules. | ||
| It's already hard enough. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Cheese. | ||
| Do you remember one time you weren't masturbating for a month? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all those people were like, yeah, but you're having sex. | ||
| Don't do sex. | ||
| And you're like, dude, I'm not playing your game. | ||
| I'm doing a thing for myself. | ||
| Doing my game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody wants rules. | ||
| I start working out. | ||
| Oh, what are you doing? | ||
| I'll just bench. | ||
| Yo, dude, you gotta do legs. | ||
| You're not doing anything. | ||
| You're like, can you give me two times? | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| Are you doing ISO? Isn't that the problem, Joe, with just interacting with people online? | ||
| There's always going to be someone that's upset at you for something. | ||
| Yeah, mad at you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For trying. | ||
| For anything. | ||
| You'd rather I don't try. | ||
| Anything. | ||
| No matter what you're doing, there's someone pissed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| It's such a crazy place, the internet. | ||
| Oh, it's so crazy. | ||
| And that's where we make our home. | ||
| That's what's really crazy. | ||
| It really is nuts. | ||
| Are you on that light phone now? | ||
| No, it hasn't come yet. | ||
| It's coming at the end of October. | ||
| I'm trying a regular phone this month. | ||
| A regular phone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I got a new number. | ||
| Spark that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like a cell phone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a real cell phone? | ||
| Like a smartphone? | ||
| No, I got a new number due to a regular flip phone. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But the old number, I'm keeping it on on a smartphone. | ||
| I'm seeing if I can handle it for a month. | ||
| You can handle it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Signs are not great already. | ||
| It's the fucking being alone and just kind of flipping through, watching Walking Dead and then flipping double screens. | ||
| My daughter has a phone now, but she has a little thing. | ||
| My middle daughter, not like the older one. | ||
| That would be ridiculous. | ||
| But... | ||
| Where she has a screen limitation. | ||
| She can only use a screen. | ||
| Could you turn it off? | ||
| Can she? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not just when an alarm? | ||
| No. | ||
| She doesn't get to. | ||
| We do it. | ||
| So she got an hour. | ||
| And then what happens after the hour? | ||
| Stops working. | ||
| What stops working? | ||
| Everything except phone calls. | ||
| You can get phone calls in. | ||
| An hour of total use. | ||
| See, I need that, but I can't find anything like that. | ||
| So how does she not be able to turn it off? | ||
| Because you have the passwords for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so I just got to get some... | ||
| Well, just don't give yourself the chance to do the passwords. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Just put it on an hour, and when the hour's on, over, just accept it in your head. | ||
| That's not going to happen. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy talk. | ||
| Jamie, explain to him that's crazy talk. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| I know. | ||
| An hour? | ||
| Well, for a kid, maybe. | ||
| No matter what the time limit is, as soon as you see your time's up, you just go, oh, well, let me finish sending this one thing. | ||
| I'm hoping that Bert and Tom both say that we cheated already because we're smoking cigars and we're good. | ||
| Dude, the first year... | ||
| I'll take everybody to dinner somewhere. | ||
| Somebody said kombucha. | ||
| They were like, kombucha already cheated. | ||
| I was like, guys, you tell me right now if this is cheating because I'm done. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| One of the great things about our contest is there's no real ramifications other than talking shit. | ||
| You know, like Bert came in last, but what happened to him? | ||
| What happened to him? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| All he did was talk shit and then dealt with no repercussions. | ||
| We all knew that we couldn't lose to Bert. | ||
| That was a massive motivating factor for everyone, including Tom. | ||
| Remember when Tom came back and he ran 13 fucking miles? | ||
| He was done. | ||
| On injury, he was done. | ||
| Well, he was sick. | ||
| He got really sick. | ||
| He got the flu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he came back, and the day back, he ran 13 fucking miles. | ||
| To try to catch up. | ||
| And he did catch up. | ||
| He did. | ||
| Catch up and pass him. | ||
| Bert was like, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought I was winning. | |
| I thought I was going to win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's hip-hop dance. | |
| Ha, ha, ha. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| I thought I was going to win! | ||
| Is there a belt this year? | ||
| No, the belt stays... | ||
| A second belt? | ||
| I feel like there's no belt because it's not a competition this year. | ||
| This is the problem. | ||
| We're going to explain this, folks, on the Sober October podcast, which is right after this. | ||
| But the problem is, none of us have the time for the competition. | ||
| I can't go crazy. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What's different from this year to last year? | ||
| I'm too busy. | ||
| Question? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is your schedule not exactly the same as it was last year? | ||
| It's more podcasts, for sure. | ||
| Oh, you're doing more podcasts. | ||
| Yeah, more podcasts and other various activities outside of the podcast. | ||
| And then the heat that I took from my family. | ||
| Like, my kids didn't see me for a month. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I thought I had some sort of chance. | ||
| Because you guys had to be home. | ||
| But I forgot that you guys also have gyms in your home. | ||
| Yeah, I have a full gym. | ||
| I had that 24-hour gym I would go to. | ||
| That's pretty dope. | ||
| Yeah, on the way home from the cell, that's where I got some nice points. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good move. | ||
| Well, when you first figured out that you could just watch a movie and that that distracts you enough to do cardio and you can get some pretty good numbers, I was like, oh, that's pretty smart. | ||
| Because that does distract the shit out of you. | ||
| It makes it way easier. | ||
| Yeah, my workout would just be the movie that I watched. | ||
| Dude, I'm already high from the cigar. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| I feel like we're out. | ||
| I'm just hoping Tom and Bert come in in a small look. | ||
| Do you guys smoke cigars? | ||
| Are you guys smoking cigars? | ||
| I didn't know we were doing the cigars as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, no, no. | |
| You guys are out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Tom and I are going to win! | |
| We're going to do cigars. | ||
| Let's just win one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll stand on the platform together. | |
| First place! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't have to compete! | |
| Yay! | ||
| Let's have a dance-off for first place. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Dance-off. | ||
| When he was talking dance-off, I was like, he's just going to take his pants off. | ||
| I know what he's going to do. | ||
| And then he did that video. | ||
| And that's exactly what he did. | ||
| He took his fucking pants off. | ||
| That was what Big Jay did. | ||
| Fucking first two years in a comedy. | ||
| When he said he was terrible, he would do the pants-off thing. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| And now it's what Bert's doing now. | ||
| 28 years in a comedy. | ||
| Yeah, you should stop that. | ||
| But people get mad if he doesn't take his shirt off. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's in a trap. | ||
| I would be mad too. | ||
| If I went to see Bert Kreischer his final time doing stand-up in my city... | ||
| What's the matter? | ||
| It's loud. | ||
| It sounds like there's a fucking tornado in here. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| I can hear it through the headphones. | ||
| Is it because they're smoking cigars? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Damn, I got a head rush off this cigar. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| We're high, dude. | ||
| We're cheating. | ||
| We're fucking for sure cheating. | ||
| I don't know what I'm going to do, dude. | ||
| This whole fucking... | ||
| The Yankees are going all the way. | ||
| I'm going to have to fucking go to Yankee games. | ||
| We're out on the first podcast. | ||
| We're getting hot. | ||
| We want to take a drug test right now. | ||
| Elevated levels of nicotine. | ||
| That's the stimulant. | ||
| We should be doing so bombed October. | ||
| We really should be going for it the other way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can switch it up. | |
| We can talk those guys into it. | ||
| Let's just switch it up, you guys. | ||
| Some whiskey meals. | ||
| Really go hard. | ||
| Mushrooms every other day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine what kind of a person you'd be at the end of the month if you did mushrooms every other day? | ||
| Can I tell you a story? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| So I went to a music festival and there was this guy who a lot of my camp had never done any mushrooms. | ||
| And this guy did mushrooms for four straight days. | ||
| Four straight days. | ||
| The second day he was like, can we do mushrooms again? | ||
| I'm like, they're not going to work. | ||
| You really have to do twice as much. | ||
| He just kept going. | ||
| Third day, kept going. | ||
| Just munching mushrooms. | ||
| Four days. | ||
| Didn't touch his phone at all. | ||
| Didn't touch it. | ||
| He had like 4% battery the whole time it was off. | ||
| And then he turned it on and he texted and he had to tell work he wasn't going to come in the Monday, you know? | ||
| He'll work from home. | ||
| They gave him some shit. | ||
| He just looked at his phone. | ||
| After being on Shrooms for four days, he looked at his phone. | ||
| He could just see it rush into his head. | ||
| Like, this thing brings me such fucking misery. | ||
| And I had such a good time without it. | ||
| And you could just see all that set on his head. | ||
| He just goes... | ||
| And he fucking launches it. | ||
| He just chucked his fucking iPhone as far as he could. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It was such a great moment. | ||
| You can't do mushrooms too many days in a row. | ||
| You get fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, did he sober up after that and then call his job and apologize and get a new phone? | ||
| His other friend went and got it and held it and pointed it out. | ||
| I'm like, no, I'm holding this for you. | ||
| It wasn't broken? | ||
| No, it didn't break! | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Where were you guys at? | ||
| Was it dirt? | ||
| You threw it on? | ||
| It was on a dirt slash rock path. | ||
| So I could easily hit a rock. | ||
| Yeah, easily. | ||
| Do you have a case on it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think one of the point is that he threw it. | ||
| The new ones are supposed to be way more resistant to drop it. | ||
| I love how as soon as they came out, they're like, oh, and if you drop it from more than a foot away, it's going to break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This grand new design, the iPhone 2010. It is a weird thing, right, where guarantee you're going to drop it. | |
| Guarantee if you drop it, it's going to break. | ||
| Like, I had Neil deGrasse Tyson on recently, and he's always got no case on his phone. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| He marvels about the design. | ||
| It's amazing design. | ||
| And what you do is you get Jamie Rock's no case because of Neil deGrasse Tyson. | ||
| He's a big old cop. | ||
| You got to listen to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why? | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| But anyway, he came back and his fucking phone was broken. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He had dropped it, because he pulled his pants off, or his jacket off, or something like that, and it was in the pocket of his jacket, and it fell to the floor when he pulled his jacket off the couch. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He didn't account for the centrifugal force of his pants coming down off the torque. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Off all that. | ||
| It didn't account. | ||
| So he has this Starry Night Van Gogh painting thing on the back of his phone, and little bits of glass were coming off it, and he realized that it was cracked. | ||
| Like, huh, huh. | ||
| I've got a case on mine. | ||
| You're not smart. | ||
| So smart that you don't have a case. | ||
| But it is weird that we have this super expensive thing that everybody carries around with them that if you do drop it, it will get fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Did you see that new Fold phone that costs like $2,000? | ||
| I heard about those years ago. | ||
| You can't even use a pen or you can't use your fingernail or anything. | ||
| It'll scratch. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Is that the Galaxy Fold? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you use a pen... | ||
| Like, you can't use like that S Pen. | ||
| You can't barely... | ||
| Not even a fingernail. | ||
| That's dumb. | ||
| How do you use it? | ||
| Well, it's so flexible, you know, because it has to... | ||
| The screen has to flex. | ||
| So when you just fingertip, like... | ||
| It's not durable enough. | ||
| It's not ready yet. | ||
| This is the second design. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| This is the second iteration of it, and the first iteration immediately started breaking as soon as all those influencers, those YouTube guys, like Unbox Therapy and MKBHD. MKBHD. What is that? | ||
| Take the B out. | ||
| MKBHD. Is that right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just a lot of letters. | ||
| Marcus Brownlee. | ||
| Anyway, he's awesome. | ||
| These guys, these YouTube guys that make these videos explaining all the details, technical details of these phones, they got them early and they all broke. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Everyone's broke. | ||
| So they had to send it back and they did a revision of it. | ||
| It was supposed to come out in April and now it just came out here in October. | ||
| And a couple people have them broken already. | ||
| It's two grand. | ||
| You know, it's so expensive for a phone. | ||
| The new iPhone is maybe $1,200, I think? | ||
| I'm not buying it either. | ||
| I don't like the fold. | ||
| I don't like the whole idea behind it. | ||
| It looks nice. | ||
| But you have a tablet on you is the point, right? | ||
| At any moment, you have a full tablet you can really type. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not that much bigger than like a Galaxy Note. | ||
| But those things are so big for your pocket. | ||
| YouTube videos and stuff. | ||
| Netflix videos on the go. | ||
| That light phone I'm excited about. | ||
| The light too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| You download Uber on it and stuff like that. | ||
| There's a couple apps, right? | ||
| Yeah, there's a ride-sharing app. | ||
| I don't know which one. | ||
| I guess probably Uber, right? | ||
| There's some Maps app. | ||
| Uber or Lyft, but like this. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Look how this works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| See this shit on the outside? | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So it's all protected. | ||
| This is the Galaxy case. | ||
| It's a special case. | ||
| It has like a little thing on it. | ||
| This is my Note. | ||
| So I have a Note now and I have an iPhone. | ||
| But the Note, the S Pen is pretty fucking sweet. | ||
| I'm not going to lie. | ||
| There's a lot of sweetness to it. | ||
| The aspect, you do write on it? | ||
| Yeah, I write notes on it. | ||
| But the thing about this thing that's very impressive, there's a lot of things. | ||
| The size, the fact that when you have it open, it has an in-screen fingerprint reader, but there's no bezels. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What's a bezel? | ||
| There's no outer rim on the outside. | ||
| It's just all screen. | ||
| There's no thick black line around the outside edges. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just all screen. | ||
| There's one little button on the top, one little hole on the top where the selfie camera is. | ||
| I'm excited for Joker. | ||
| Yeah, it looks pretty good. | ||
| It does look pretty good. | ||
| Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was pretending to be crazy? | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| And you could sort of tell at the time that he was sort of pretending. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He had a character he was doing for a documentary. | ||
| Yeah, and it was like, what is this? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Did you see the guy from Empire's speech interview? | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| That seems almost like he's not pretending. | ||
| If he's pretending, he's doing a better job acting than Joaquin Phoenix. | ||
| Terrence Howard, yeah. | ||
| He saw Flower of Life or something. | ||
| Well, Terrence Howard, the guy who interviewed me for Rolling Stone, told me that Terrence Howard is a legitimate genius. | ||
| He's like, you talk to the guy, the guy is absolutely brilliant. | ||
| Maybe he figured it all out. | ||
| I think he got high as fuck on DMT. That's what it sounds like. | ||
| He's talking about followers. | ||
| Yeah, it does sound like that, right? | ||
| 100%, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it all makes sense. | ||
| But the inability to explain it, just kind of like, it's all connected. | ||
| But he was not explaining it very well, but very articulately. | ||
| Like he was using, it wasn't like nonsense talk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He was like, oh, this is like shockingly coherent for a ridiculous thing to say. | ||
| You ever have Shane on to talk about what happened to him? | ||
| Shane, which one? | ||
| Shane Moss. | ||
| No. | ||
| He did, I think. | ||
| Oh yeah, no, I've had him on back. | ||
| Which would happen to him though? | ||
| I think he did mushrooms every day for a month or DMT every day for a month and he also covered himself in, I'm getting the terms wrong, but maybe Syrian rules so that shit couldn't come out of his system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And he went a little bit nutty. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Maybe a year and a half ago. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So I had one before that. | ||
| I had one before that. | ||
| So we went to see Roger Waters. | ||
| He got tickets for me in Providence. | ||
| We went down there and he was like talking like he was like I figured out these math equations and he was like the whole time he was like dude I know I'm get it I'm a science guy I get this seems ridiculous I understand why you wouldn't believe me but I can like figure shit out to the point where mathematicians are like hmm I never thought of it that way he's like I don't understand how it's possible but I get why you wouldn't believe that Yeah, he was like he was, you know when you're coming out of a mushroom trip? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For like 30-40 minutes, you're like, not quite coherent because you've got a foot in there and a foot out here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was like that for hours and I guess for like months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just in a constant state of coming out of a mushroom trip. | ||
| I did DMT three times in a day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The third time, it was a really strong one. | ||
| And it fucked me up for a while. | ||
| I don't remember how long afterwards, but this was during the fear factor days. | ||
| But I remember reality, the way I described it, the reality was very slippery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very slippery. | ||
| Like, I kept thinking that cars were going to fly over the incoming lane and crash into my car and kill me. | ||
| Oh, real slippery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I kept thinking, like, be really careful. | ||
| But then I realized that what that is is, like, my ego... | ||
| Trying to protect me by making me aware of imminent threats and trying to reestablish its position in the chain of command. | ||
| Because one of the things about really extreme psychedelic experiences is that they dissolve the ego to the point where you realize you don't really matter. | ||
| You're a part of some crazy system and the only reason why you think you really matter is because your biology wants to stay alive because there's these inherent existential threats to your existence that have always existed throughout time. | ||
| You know, ultimately though, it doesn't matter because you're just going to live and die and probably live again and die again and this is like this never-ending cycle. | ||
| Yeah, and you're part of something. | ||
| One of those guys that anytime you're like fighting it, like you're just like, ah, it just means you haven't taken it enough. | ||
| I think that was like Terrence McKenna or one of those guys was like, you just have to take more and then you can't fight it and then you're just gone, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but I was fucked up for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But I was functional. | ||
| But I was real nervous and weirded out by things. | ||
| How long? | ||
| Weeks, maybe months. | ||
| Why'd you do it three times in a day? | ||
| Were you trying to do that on purpose, or were you just bored? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did it. | |
| The first time was light. | ||
| I went in, but I didn't go in too deep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I saw the visuals, and I lay there, and I was like, I got to the door, and I could see through the windows of the house, but I didn't go inside. | ||
| The second time, it just opened up a fucking vortex and sucked me through to the center of the universe. | ||
| And then it was really, really, really intense. | ||
| And then I did it again after that. | ||
| It's because I loved it. | ||
| Because it was so awesome. | ||
| I wanted to do it one more time. | ||
| I got to do it more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess not for a month. | |
| They make those vape pens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what we should do on November 1st. | ||
| Vape pens. | ||
| Yeah, we should do DMT. In the morning. | ||
| Yeah, in here. | ||
| You're going to be in New York. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, as soon as we get back. | ||
| Come to my apartment. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We'll do it there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'll work. | ||
| What? | ||
| That'll work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gonna come to those fights? | ||
| No. | ||
| I got a wedding. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's getting fucked? | ||
| Friend style. | ||
| I was getting fucked over. | ||
| Do they have kids? | ||
| Do Sal have kids? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| Remember those Game Over t-shirts? | ||
| They were all the rich. | ||
| I loved them on Venice Beach. | ||
| I loved them. | ||
| I was like, whoa! | ||
| That's so bleak! | ||
| It's such a crazy institution that works out half the time. | ||
| It is nuts, dude. | ||
| I was talking to my high school friends, and one of them, we're talking about how long they've been in their place without their wife or kids, like how long it's been since they've been alone in their house. | ||
| You know, not on the road, and not without their wife, but with their kids, but like alone. | ||
| One friend said it was 10 years. | ||
| He hasn't been alone? | ||
| Alone. | ||
| Slept alone in his house where no one else was there. | ||
| Well, I think that for comics, one really good thing about going on the road, you get these little resets and you miss them and you come back and you're happy. | ||
| I meet guys that don't ever leave their family, ever, and they look beaten. | ||
| They just look emasculated and shrunken, deflated. | ||
| I'm sure some people can do it. | ||
| And if you listen, you're like, fuck you, man. | ||
| I'm happily married. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| Why are you so mad then? | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| I'm just saying, I see a lot of people that are beaten down. | ||
| People get annoyed with each other. | ||
| Like, if you and I lived together... | ||
| You need a break here or there. | ||
| If you and I lived in a two-bedroom apartment... | ||
| We would kill each other. | ||
| We would be so mad at each other. | ||
| Within how long? | ||
| A month or even faster? | ||
| First of all, I'd be immediately saying, okay, this is temporary. | ||
| We're going to get our own apartments. | ||
| There's no way we can live there. | ||
| We can't last like this. | ||
| But when I lived with Duncan in my big house, it was fine. | ||
| For the whole time? | ||
| Duncan lived with me for six months. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I think some of it helps if you know it is temporary. | ||
| Kind of like summer jobs were okay because you knew at the end of August, this is over. | ||
| But then that first year where you were just working, you're like, there's no end in sight. | ||
| Well, see, roommates can be cool if they're cool, right? | ||
| Like, if they pay their rent... | ||
| If they're never there, that's the best thing you can do is to never be there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or if they clean up after themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Always clean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's big. | ||
| That changes everything. | ||
| Like, if your roommate just leaves their shit everywhere, it's annoying, even if they're not home. | ||
| But if your roommate cleans up... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they don't leave their shit everywhere. | ||
| Then it's just a person that you really like that you see every couple days. | ||
| Like, hey, what's up, man? | ||
| What have you been up to? | ||
| And that's fine. | ||
| But my house, you know, my house is kind of big and stretched out. | ||
| So Duncan was over in this corner and I was over in that corner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fine. | |
| Duncan was your Kato. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was my Kato Kato. | ||
| Kato lived in a separate house, though, right? | ||
| But man, he did his job. | ||
| He was like, I didn't really see much of anything. | ||
| Hey, what are you going to do? | ||
| I didn't really see much of anything. | ||
| The guy's been really cool to me. | ||
| Didn't see much of anything. | ||
| Ask me again. | ||
| I'm loving this attention. | ||
| I didn't see much of anything, though. | ||
| I did an audition once with Kato. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was something that I was doing with McGuire and some other guy that never wound up getting made. | ||
| But anyway, we were all together and Kato came in to read for it. | ||
| How shitty is stand-up when... | ||
| On your way down, that's what people go into before their last step out of complete showbiz. | ||
| Dormy Daniels is doing stand-up now. | ||
| Piven. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, they're all like, well, let me just try this at the end. | ||
| Well, stand-up, look. | ||
| No respect. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| If they did it and loved it and respected it and was fucking gung-ho for it, I have a unique opinion. | ||
| I mean, I know a lot of comics get real mad at people trying to do comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like anybody trying to do comedy is a comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you respect it and you treat it wrong. | ||
| That's how I've always treated open micers. | ||
| If you are an open micer, in my opinion, you are a comic. | ||
| Except the no blacks thing you always say. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's not anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, oh, oh. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Oh, oh, oh. | ||
| You woke up. | ||
| You woke up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| No, now it's only Asians of a certain... | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| Can we even joke around about it anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're serious! | |
| They're so serious! | ||
| Hey, dude. | ||
| There's been so many more Asian jokes around the scene lately. | ||
| It almost seems like this has reminded people of that whole fucking angle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like opening up the door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And we should not be talking about it because right now there might be ninjas in here. | ||
| In this room? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what they're good at. | ||
| You're high as fuck from that cigar. | ||
| Yeah, we're totally cheating. | ||
| We've already cheated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're both blitzed. | |
| But no, I really feel like anybody, boy, girl, gay, straight, trans, whatever the fuck you are, if you're doing stand-up, you're one of us. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| I mean, you might be terrible, you might be on your first couple of days, but you could eventually be my peer. | ||
| I think that's why at the store, specifically even, there's this respect for the door guys, because they go on to become the real comics, and half the real comics were door guys. | ||
| Yeah, a large number. | ||
| So they're just like, yeah, you're just me, but earlier. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I mean, you, Duncan, there's a bunch of people. | ||
| Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, they were all door guys. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The store is uniquely special in that way, that it really promotes. | ||
| There's a lot of people at the improv, too, though, that are comics. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| But the store, they make a big deal out of the fact that you can get spots. | ||
| You can get those late night spots, which are giant. | ||
| There's five minutes to open, too. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| We never had that. | ||
| Those are huge. | ||
| And you get those occasional belly room shows. | ||
| You get to meet guys like us that'll take you on the road. | ||
| You also get to see real good comedy night after night after night. | ||
| Different styles. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You get to see the murderers. | ||
| The murderers of the world. | ||
| That helped me grow a lot. | ||
| Damon Wayans is back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damon Wayans is back. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| Killing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Killing. | |
| Took years off. | ||
| He used to do that thing where he would like intentionally fuck up for five minutes when he was doing like 30s and 40s, you know? | ||
| He would like fuck up for five minutes and get everybody kind of against him and then he could test his stuff out. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, he would do it on purpose. | ||
| Corny jokes. | ||
| He would do corny jokes and he would also just go, what else? | ||
| What else? | ||
| Tell people like, I don't even know about this guy. | ||
| Were you just an actor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would just dig little holes. | ||
| What else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else? | |
| I love that. | ||
| When a comic does that, what else? | ||
| But if you can do that, if you can dig those holes and then dig yourself out, then you know that's a real bit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A bit that digs you out of a hole is a real bit. | ||
| That's a tool. | ||
| That's a fucking shovel. | ||
| You can dig a hole with that shovel. | ||
| Bits are pieces of expression, but some of them are just tools. | ||
| They're tools, like opening bits. | ||
| Like, I've had opening bits where, like, okay, I need to detonate this door to get into this room. | ||
| Clear! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Detonate the door. | ||
| Okay, now we're in. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, it's a tool. | ||
| It's a tool to get the job done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jake Johansson used to do this joke. | ||
| I opened for him once in D.C. He's a great guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's really nice. | ||
| He's really nice. | ||
| Killer stand-up, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never see that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's in the road, mostly. | ||
| Always. | ||
| But, um, built his own house. | ||
| He's a tall guy. | ||
| He was like, fine, they got showers. | ||
| They're coming from over. | ||
| I don't have to bend over. | ||
| He built it himself? | ||
| Or had somebody build it? | ||
| I mean, I'm sure he had someone build it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, that's not really a possibility. | ||
| That would be. | ||
| He's out there unabombering it. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like all lame and it's all falling apart. | ||
| He goes, I don't know what I'm doing! | ||
| I was on the road! | ||
| I didn't have time to learn carpentry! | ||
| It was like Band-Aids over holes. | ||
| My wife's all mad at me. | ||
| She left me. | ||
| That late night tape that's supposed to stop leaks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It keeps a boat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It keeps a boat up. | |
| The bottom of the boat is filled with tape. | ||
| But yeah, he had some joke at the very beginning and you'd go behind. | ||
| So like you introduce something and you go off. | ||
| So I couldn't tell what he was doing. | ||
| He just said, oh, it's good to be here in D.C. And everyone would laugh. | ||
| And I'm like, what is that joke? | ||
| And I asked him, I finally saw it, because every night I would do it, and he would be like, it's good to be here in D.C., and everyone would laugh. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't see where there's a joke there. | ||
| I could only hear it. | ||
| So I ran out to the curtain and opened up slightly so I could see. | ||
| And it's just an easy one. | ||
| He just goes, it's good to be here, and then he turns around to look at the sign and goes, oh, D.C. I'm like, oh, I get it now. | ||
| But he goes, oh, dude, my first five minutes, don't judge any of that. | ||
| That's just me getting him on my side. | ||
| Yeah, just working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because then I got them from me, and then I can do whatever I want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just little tools. | |
| Little things to get going. | ||
| Technique. | ||
| Savers. | ||
| You ever have a saver? | ||
| Start off, joke doesn't go, and you're like, well, let me get fucking... | ||
| real quick. | ||
| Yeah, you always gotta have those get-out-of-jail-free passes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You only get one or two of them, and then it's like, well, now it's just gonna be a full bomb. | ||
| Yeah, it could easily be a full bomb. | ||
| But one of the most satisfying sets you can ever have is like, you start bombing and then you pull yourself out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or when the crowd doesn't like you, and then they slowly start to like you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like you have a bit that for whatever reason just turns them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you said something that I think is so true, that this is a great time for real comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Comedy's dangerous again. | ||
| Oh, it's so much fun. | ||
| People hear stuff and they're like, whoa! | ||
| It's back into these little basement rooms. | ||
| Everyone's attacking it all the time. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| You know when people get mad at you for saying something harsh? | ||
| And you walk through it like, fuck you! | ||
| Because you know you made some Catholic joke and they're all butthurt because they're Catholic. | ||
| And you got them. | ||
| And you know it's okay because they're only there angry and everyone else is laughing like crazy. | ||
| Now the scale of that is just way larger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your stuff can go out and just, like, get a bunch of people angry. | ||
| The people that are cool enough to, like, actually like the stuff, it feels way more dangerous and fun. | ||
| You know what we should do with this podcast with Tom and Bert? | ||
| We should do, like, Bud's training. | ||
| Bring in buckets of ice and just have vodka all over the table. | ||
| Oh, to see if they'll be okay. | ||
| Yeah, to see if they tap. | ||
| They ring the bell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could see Bert doing that. | ||
| We could talk Bert into ringing the bell, especially if we tell him we smoked cigars when we got high. | ||
| We smoked cigars laced with formaldehyde. | ||
| Yeah, what is that called? | ||
| Chirm? | ||
| Kids, they smoke chirm. | ||
| Get wet! | ||
| Did you hear about that lady? | ||
| This has nothing to do with that. | ||
| But she just got convicted today of murder. | ||
| She walked into the wrong apartment. | ||
| Oh, a cop, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| She thought this guy was in her apartment. | ||
| She shot him and killed him. | ||
| She said, let me see your hands. | ||
| And from his point of view, he's like, who the fuck are you? | ||
| Let me see your hands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she shot him. | ||
| I didn't hear that part, but I just know that she shot him and murdered him accidentally. | ||
| She thought he was in her place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard her crying on the stand. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And it was like, damn. | ||
| But it's just like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why do you keep going to shooting? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I just don't shoot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Did the guy run at you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Like, when do you shoot someone if you find them in your house? | ||
| Is the training wrong? | ||
| Why unarmed people are getting shot? | ||
| It's not even like, hey, get the sandwich real quick! | ||
| It's not even like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| It's just like, I mean, you got it wrong. | ||
| At very least, you got it wrong. | ||
| Well, I've said this many times that I think the vast majority of interactions that people have with police, they're positive. | ||
| There's no problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's why you don't hear about them. | ||
| But you hear about one every now and again. | ||
| But that's just because there's 300 million people. | ||
| And if you count up all those one every now and again, it seems like there's this fucking just assault on unarmed people by cops. | ||
| Those stories you're listening to over statistics. | ||
| Well, it's just, it's people that suck at being a cop. | ||
| And especially girls. | ||
| No offense, ladies. | ||
| But you're physically weaker, right? | ||
| So you could get that gun taken from you. | ||
| Someone's in your house. | ||
| You live by yourself, maybe. | ||
| And you see this guy in your house, and you're so terrified. | ||
| Because, like, it's like a monster. | ||
| Like a big man is like a monster to a woman. | ||
| And then at the same time, that dude is just in his apartment and now he's dead. | ||
| So that's also not great. | ||
| Oh, it's terrible. | ||
| But like... | ||
| You're not supposed to just shoot people. | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to just shoot people. | ||
| But in her eyes, if she really thought that she was... | ||
| That's why I don't understand how it's murder. | ||
| What's the accident? | ||
| Isn't manslaughter like accidental shooting? | ||
| I don't understand any of that. | ||
| How's it not manslaughter? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| I just was following the story a little bit. | ||
| I remember some facts from a few weeks ago that there were a lot of... | ||
| There are at least three or four things in place here that made it not seem like an accident. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Like the door. | ||
| For instance, the door in those apartments, I was reading, it shuts automatically. | ||
| So I think she said it was unlocked or it was kind of open. | ||
| And everyone that sort of knows about that apartment building is like, that's not possible. | ||
| Those doors shut automatically behind you. | ||
| You would have had to open the door. | ||
| How could she open the door? | ||
| Maybe it didn't shut all the way. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they had a relationship, maybe, too, or something like that. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I might be misremembering the facts. | ||
| Oh, listen, you can't just say that. | ||
| Let's Google this. | ||
| Let's start Googling. | ||
| I heard the guy she shot was New Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh. | ||
| Oh, and I heard you had a chug dick. | ||
| And he denied her that dick after a while. | ||
| It's like, no more dick for you. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's a great time to be a stand-up. | ||
| I really do think it's dangerous again. | ||
| And people are like, it's like, you hear something. | ||
| When you are one of those people who just go to shows, you hear something, you're just like, as an audience member, you're just like, whoa! | ||
| Also, the woke outrage has totally worn off and has the opposite effect. | ||
| Like with Dave Chappelle, you can just skip Dave Chappelle's new special. | ||
| Oh, my It must be awesome. | ||
| Oh, I love the internet all coming together just to respond to those people. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Who should I check out? | ||
| Those people? | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, thanks. | ||
| They did it with Bill Burr, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Chappelle Special, you know the whole thing with Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| They only allowed five different woke reviewers to take care. | ||
| To get at it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they gave it a 0%. | ||
| And then they released it to the public. | ||
| And we all loved it. | ||
| Because everybody was mad. | ||
| Your job is to tell us what we'd like. | ||
| And you failed at that job. | ||
| Well... | ||
| Their job is to review things and their ideology that they're forced to exist in is woke ideology. | ||
| Anyone who's working as a journalist, like there's really- It's the same thing that Christians did when they used to review stuff for like Christian content. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| When they would rate it based on how many kissing scenes are there, how many curses are there. | ||
| You don't have to see those reviews. | ||
| Those are like a separate people's reviews. | ||
| Well, somebody wrote something about it that I actually retweeted today, see if you can find it, about the connection between theology, the resemblances between woke ideology and theology. | ||
| They're so similar. | ||
| The same. | ||
| It's about compliance. | ||
| We want you doing it our way! | ||
| Yes, our way. | ||
| Our way. | ||
| Put your hat on. | ||
| Put your special underwear on. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's so fucking whatever. | ||
| So dumb! | ||
| I hate even talking about it. | ||
| I love talking about it. | ||
| It's just like, we're just writing jokes and doing fucking good things. | ||
| But whenever someone who's woke says something that's ridiculous, it makes for great comedy. | ||
| Richard Dawkins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is so stupid. | |
| Yeah, so Dawkins is coming on the podcast soon, too. | ||
| I'm excited to talk to him. | ||
| The Righteous and the Woke. | ||
| Why Evangelists and Social Justice Warriors. | ||
| Click on that so I can get with the actual. | ||
| Why Evangelists and Social Justice Warriors trigger me in the same way. | ||
| Yeah, it's the same like you gotta do it my way shit. | ||
| It's the right way. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's about compliance. | ||
| People love compliance. | ||
| They love getting other people to fall in line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they get scared when people are just out there doing whatever the fuck they want to do. | ||
| And that's with everything, man. | ||
| That's with their diet. | ||
| That's with the way they behave. | ||
| That's with the clothes they wear. | ||
| People get mad. | ||
| They get mad if you wear your hat backwards. | ||
| Dude, I asked my friend who's now a rabbi. | ||
| I asked him for help with the thing I'm doing in my hour. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And to look it up, just factually, I want to make sure I get it exactly right. | ||
| And he's like, no, I'm not going to look that up for you, just so you can make fun of it. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| That's not your job. | ||
| Your job is to tell me. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, it's a Jew asking. | ||
| And he goes, no, I'm not going to be part of this mockery. | ||
| I'm like, you haven't even seen it. | ||
| You haven't even seen it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So I'm going to help you. | ||
| I know, but it's like fucking hard to find somebody who knows it, knows it. | ||
| I don't have that many people left in that part of my life. | ||
| He really won't help you. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm like, fucking shut up. | ||
| All you religious people are all exactly the same. | ||
| Every religion. | ||
| It's fucking real. | ||
| And then what you want in terms of like not being embarrassed. | ||
| But it's hilarious that they would have something that they don't want you mocking. | ||
| Just let me have the information. | ||
| You can't hold it from me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like imagine if there was something like that with stand-up. | ||
| Like, no, I'm not going to tell you how we write jokes. | ||
| You're just going to mock it. | ||
| Maybe I will. | ||
| How do you get up at the store? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's up to me. | |
| How do you get up at a mic tonight? | ||
| I'm not telling you. | ||
| You're just going to mock it. | ||
| I mean, I am going to mock it, but it's going to be in a fun way. | ||
| How do you go from being an opening act to being a middle to being a headliner? | ||
| I'm not going to tell you. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you that. | ||
| What, are you going to mock it? | ||
| It drove me so crazy. | ||
| Anything you can't mock is bullshit. | ||
| Dude, I was so mad. | ||
| I was like, get fucked. | ||
| He was like, come on, don't use that language. | ||
| You know I'm a rabbi. | ||
| I'm like, eat my shit. | ||
| All you religious fucks are exactly the fucking same. | ||
| I'm asking for help as a Jew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| But how are you still a Jew? | ||
| This is something that's always struggled, troubled people that are non-religious. | ||
| Jews are the rare people that can also be atheists. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of like how stand-up is rare in the art form that it needs other people to exist. | ||
| Jews are rare because you can see being a cultural and racial Jew without being a religious Jew. | ||
| But it's a racial Jew, but you could be born in Europe, or you could be born in Israel, you could be born anywhere and be a racial Jew, but yet you are not religious at all, but Jewish is a religion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Judaism is a religion. | ||
| It's both. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I talk about this in my new hour. | ||
| Oh, you do? | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Jew stuff is a lot of, like, it's all just stand-up, but it's a lot of, like, stuff you've always wanted to know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you remember back when you used to tell me those stories, and I'm like, how are you not talking about this stuff on stage? | ||
| I wasn't good enough yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or I was too close to it. | ||
| But it's so good that you waited to get really good at stand-up, and now you can really delve into all the absurdities. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really go into it in a way and know how to ease out so Jews don't feel attacked. | ||
| There's got to be a rabbi out there that'll give you the fucking real deal. | ||
| I've got to find one. | ||
| I've had rabbis come to the shows, and some of them have corrected me on stuff. | ||
| I'm like, oh, interesting. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I want to get it right. | ||
| Find those guys. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I gotta find them. | ||
| Your friend's lame. | ||
| He's lame! | ||
| Fucking lame. | ||
| He's always also trying to get me to come back. | ||
| He's always demeaning me like, oh yeah, it's the worst. | ||
| Trying to get you to come back to the fold. | ||
| I don't mind it in a nice way, but not like a, you're wasting your life. | ||
| Listen, we can cover up your bald spot with a nice yarmulke. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Tight. | ||
| Get you a sweet one that all the ladies like. | ||
| You ever have conservative friends who don't even understand your life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Like, what they insult you on? | ||
| You're like, no, that's a good thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Freedom. | ||
| Yeah, when they're like, you came home drunk at 5 a.m. | ||
| on a weekday, and you're like, yeah, right? | ||
| Isn't that awesome? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I got a ride. | ||
| I'm responsible. | ||
| I remember a blog you wrote a long time ago, and you wrote, like, people, you coming home and somebody, like, leaving, and then, like, I think the line was, if you could smell my thing, it would blow your mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some people get super self-righteous about their choices. | ||
| People like to feel like if they're getting up early and you're coming home as they're getting up, that somehow or another they're doing better than you. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| You could have had the most fucking amazing night ever, pussy. | ||
| What have you been doing? | ||
| Watching Golden Girls and sleeping? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck off. | |
| Fuck you. | ||
| Especially as a comic. | ||
| Like, you can't tell. | ||
| Like, Mark Norman came in here with the clothes that he was wearing the night before. | ||
| He came in here, he was up all night, and then he slept till noon and made his way over here with his suit on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was great. | |
| I loved it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's us. | ||
| That's our religion. | ||
| I mean, if I have a religion, it's comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| If somebody tells me something, I was like, were they joking? | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, that's a joke. | ||
| Dude, my thing now is whenever I hear a comic, my instinct right now is when they're like, can you believe they say this ridiculous thing? | ||
| Even if it's not on my side of things I believe, you know? | ||
| I start to get angry and then I stop and go, wait a minute. | ||
| Let's look at it under the lens of their comedian writing something. | ||
| And sometimes they're serious, but a lot of times like, oh, this is a joke. | ||
| This is a tongue-in-cheek, like, exaggeration on purpose. | ||
| Or, yeah, or you try something and it doesn't work. | ||
| You know, don't hold someone to what they're saying. | ||
| It goes back to the Shane thing, right? | ||
| The Shane Gillis thing. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| He was just trying to be funny. | ||
| He was trying to talk shit and be funny, and you miss. | ||
| And people are like, it's just racist. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, but sometimes racism is funny if you say it in a way. | ||
| Why don't you call it jokes about race relations? | ||
| Yes, jokes about race relations. | ||
| Which is something like, can't we talk about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Isn't that one of those big taboo things you should touch on? | ||
| Yeah, can't you talk... | ||
| What races can you openly mock with no... | ||
| White? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Indian? | ||
| I guess it's going away. | ||
| Indian and Chinese was an Asian, I mean. | ||
| Yeah, you used to be able to. | ||
| I remember... | ||
| Yeah, it's going away right now. | ||
| I had a joke about Pakistan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pakistan was about to go to war with India, and he was like, what are they fighting over? | ||
| Who smells the worst? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he did this all the time. | ||
| And this was like, you know, early 2000s. | ||
| But if he did that joke now, people would be fucking mad at you. | ||
| Furious. | ||
| But that's what makes it more fun, too. | ||
| They're getting so mad. | ||
| Meanwhile, this dude was from Texas. | ||
| He'd never been to India or Pakistan. | ||
| Right, it's like, what? | ||
| I had no idea if they smelled bad. | ||
| Guys, I'm just joking. | ||
| It's very harmful. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Do you ever see a picture of a real racist somewhere? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I got real racist. | ||
| Yeah, and you're like, oh, and then you remember what they just were mad about some other guy in, like, comedy being racist, and you're like, guys, that's not even close. | ||
| Like, this guy made a joke, and that guy's... | ||
| Here's how you know who's a racist when you accuse him of racism, and they don't deny it. | ||
| They're like, yeah, fuck them. | ||
| That's the racist person. | ||
| Not when they go like, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I didn't really mean that. | ||
| That's how you know they're not really feeling that way. | ||
| But if you make a joke about murder, are you a murderer, really, secretly? | ||
| Yeah, you are. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Why? | ||
| There's certain things, right? | ||
| You're allowed to joke. | ||
| You could definitely joke about fucking animals. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Nobody thinks you're really into bestiality. | ||
| Well, what I think is all this stuff about, like, you can't joke about race or gender, but it makes child murder stuff, like, all the better. | ||
| Like, it's a grand time for that. | ||
| That used to be too harsh. | ||
| When I started comedy, it was right up to Columbine. | ||
| And that was like, no. | ||
| You're gonna ruin the room. | ||
| But now it's back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Child murder? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| School shooting shit. | ||
| You can joke about school shootings, no problem. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you do it well. | ||
| If you do it well. | ||
| But even if you don't, it's still like a, Jesus, dude. | ||
| I got mad at a lot of people over that Louis C.K. thing. | ||
| I got mad at a lot of people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not because what he said was great. | ||
| You know what Louis said? | ||
| Just because you push some fat kid into the way. | ||
| Irrelevant. | ||
| Irrelevant. | ||
| Irrelevant whether it's good or bad. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| If he was left alone with that bit, he would have turned that bit into a great bit. | ||
| He would have figured it out. | ||
| He had not done comedy for almost a year. | ||
| This is one of his first sets back, and he was trying to turn this into comedy. | ||
| He could have turned that into comedy. | ||
| The people were like, it's not even funny. | ||
| It's like, okay, but if it was just about not funny, because I think, I'm not going to say whether it was or wasn't. | ||
| I thought it was funny, actually. | ||
| But it's irrelevant because if I make an unfunny joke about traffic, no one's coming after me. | ||
| It's clearly not about whether it's funny or not. | ||
| It's got nothing to do with it. | ||
| Well, it's whether or not you should be able to make light of something terrible. | ||
| And you can't let somebody not fail that direction. | ||
| They have to fail in all directions. | ||
| You try to find the line. | ||
| Well, I understand regular people not understanding that. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| But I don't understand comics. | ||
| I don't understand comics not understanding the process of creating material. | ||
| You are disingenuous. | ||
| No, I can't understand it if you are, if like, say someone is like a Jim Gaffigan type comic that's never offensive and just like kind of, you know, family friendly. | ||
| Anybody can go see Gaffigan. | ||
| He's hilarious, but you could take your grandma to see her with no worry at all. | ||
| If he did a joke about a school shooting, you'd be like, whoa, Jim. | ||
| But even then, I would still say he's trying to find an angle. | ||
| Yeah, let him do it. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Let him figure out the angle. | ||
| If people don't laugh, that's an indication that he's on the wrong way. | ||
| If you talk to Gaffigan after that, you'd be like, did they go for it? | ||
| And he'd be like, not really. | ||
| And you're like, whoa. | ||
| You're going to try it again? | ||
| He goes, maybe, but maybe he'll pull it back. | ||
| Dude, I've had a bunch of bits like that where I was like, I've got to bail on this bit. | ||
| Yeah, where it's like you try it and try it and try it. | ||
| It just doesn't work. | ||
| But that's the process. | ||
| So now if I'm a young comic, if I say, can I even come close to the line? | ||
| Because if I go over it, that's what you do when you're kind of blindly walking towards the line. | ||
| If you go over it in that direction, you're fucked. | ||
| You might really be fucked forever. | ||
| So I'm not going to come close to the line. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| You want people finding it. | ||
| Especially when someone takes that and puts it in quotes and just writes it down. | ||
| Takes it out of context. | ||
| Takes it out of context and then writes it down. | ||
| Yeah, that's the context too. | ||
| The tone of voice. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all the things you said before that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| But it's a good time. | ||
| That guy's really funny. | ||
| Yeah, it's still a good time for stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great time for stand-up. | ||
| I mean, look, the fucking store sold out every night. | ||
| I know, so people are like, it's the end of stand-up. | ||
| It's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| This place, when they're not going to see any specific person, they're just going to see stand-up in general? | ||
| Those are mobbed. | ||
| The stand in New York, mobbed. | ||
| The cellar, mobbed. | ||
| I get on at 1.30 at the cellar sometimes. | ||
| 1.30 a.m. | ||
| on a fucking Wednesday. | ||
| And people are like, is anybody there? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, it's sold out. | ||
| There's no room. | ||
| Dude, I was reading an article when they were talking about Hannah Gadsby and the death of stand-up comedy. | ||
| I was reading it in my limo on the way to a sold-out arena, and I was laughing. | ||
| I was like, this is hilarious! | ||
| I showed it to Hinchcliffe. | ||
| I was like, look, dude. | ||
| I go, I guess there's not going to be anybody there. | ||
| I have a special on Netflix. | ||
| I guess it's all terrible, huh? | ||
| I guess there's no comedy anymore. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I missed it. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a great time for comedy. | |
| Yeah, it's all these people complaining. | ||
| All you got to do is shut your fucking phone. | ||
| And then nothing of that shit exists. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| Here or there, yeah, there's some bad shit about somebody made a joke and unfair level of punishment. | ||
| But generally... | ||
| It's just like, shut your phone. | ||
| It's just people being angry. | ||
| That's what the internet is anyway. | ||
| It's a really easy way for people to complain. | ||
| Dude, I loved it. | ||
| I was waiting for it. | ||
| Did you see that video I made for So Bombed October? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I was waiting for it because I knew it would come. | ||
| People were like, this is hilarious. | ||
| I want to play with my friends. | ||
| Oh, the points aren't the right. | ||
| We had to do more points for this. | ||
| I was just waiting for it. | ||
| And then I finally saw it. | ||
| It was like, this is very irresponsible. | ||
| You should be ashamed of yourself. | ||
| People have real problems. | ||
| There it is! | ||
| And now it's just a question of what percentage of people have that reaction and what percentage don't? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if there's only one guy, no one's going to listen. | ||
| If it was 10 guys or if it was one guy that has a big Twitter following, now everybody feels like they should be mad. | ||
| You ever see one of those anger things where you don't quite get it? | ||
| Sometimes you're like, I see the other side. | ||
| I think it's too far, but I see the other side. | ||
| And then sometimes you're like, I don't even understand why this is even a topic. | ||
| You ever see those? | ||
| You know, the e-rages where it's like, really? | ||
| Some of them you just don't even see. | ||
| It's a light week. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Duncan told me that half the anti-Star Wars tweets were Russian bots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think maybe they're trying to shove shit under the radar. | |
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| I like the idea. | ||
| So you just have people in the crowd, like bots, go, I think this guy was terrible. | ||
| Like in a real brawl between two people, two groups, and you could just go into one and be like, he called you a faggot. | ||
| And then everybody turns around and gets it going again. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| These things don't seem real. | ||
| A lot of them are not real. | ||
| And the comics would take the wrong side. | ||
| I'm like, I don't think you really care. | ||
| If I showed somebody whatever that first one was for that guy, for Shane, that funny comic, if I showed it at the back table itself, like, what do you think of this? | ||
| To one of those woke comics who said, or people who were like, I think it's too far. | ||
| If I showed them that video, if they really didn't like it, they would go to this. | ||
| They would look at it and they would go, that's dumb. | ||
| And that would be the end of it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That would be it. | ||
| But they have an opportunity to sort of put that flag up and let everybody know that they're on the team that deserves virtue. | ||
| You don't think the guy's taking enough abuse? | ||
| At some point, you've got to see the damage this internet shit does to people. | ||
| And it's like, you're going to pile on. | ||
| It's covered. | ||
| He's been punished hard. | ||
| I like recognizing who's going to always fold. | ||
| SNL will fold. | ||
| Well, comics too. | ||
| SNL is an organization with a bunch of advertisers and apparently that was the big deal. | ||
| They had a cave to the advertisers. | ||
| But my thing is this. | ||
| Can't the networks just call each other? | ||
| Netflix and FX and CBS and Hulu and Amazon and all call each other. | ||
| Just have a meeting, the people who run it, and say, we've got to release a statement. | ||
| And the statement should go, no matter what somebody said in the past, we feel like starting from here on in, we don't even know what the rage is going to be about. | ||
| We feel like we shouldn't be responsible to be judges and juries on that. | ||
| We feel like we've gotten it wrong too many times, and if you guys don't want to watch, that's up to you, but you've got to take it up with the performer, the artist, whatever. | ||
| And if they all just release that statement together, people just wouldn't go to them. | ||
| They're never going to do that, though. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Then they could just be like, it ain't us, you guys. | ||
| You've got to take it up to the comic. | ||
| Advertisers will use it as an opportunity for them to virtue signal and get more people to buy their product. | ||
| They'll say, we do not support this idea that hate speech is something to be casually dismissed. | ||
| But they won't because they're saying it's not even about anything in particular. | ||
| It's about we're not getting involved in this. | ||
| What somebody did on the other side or what they're going to define it as. | ||
| We've been through this with rap in the fucking 80s. | ||
| It's just we're not getting involved. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| For a month, we're not touching anything. | ||
| It just takes all the pressure off you. | ||
| You don't think if Amazon and Netflix fucking talked, I'm like, let's just all put it out together. | ||
| And then what? | ||
| Do you want to be the network that says, no, no, we're going to actually boycott our comics if they actually do say something on a separate platform? | ||
| Or do you want to be the network going, yep, we also agree. | ||
| Comics, do whatever you want. | ||
| You're not here. | ||
| It's not like you're saying something to somebody in the hallway of SNL. You're saying something separately for the fucking 6,000 followers you have who sign up for that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They're never going to do it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it's too much outrage. | ||
| But then that takes the heat off you. | ||
| You don't have to deal with it from now on. | ||
| It's too dangerous right now, Ari. | ||
| It'd be perfect. | ||
| It'd be perfect. | ||
| That's why you don't run a business. | ||
| They all should just do it. | ||
| They're never going to do it. | ||
| What is that wristband you have on? | ||
| Oh, music festival. | ||
| I've got to get tickets for next year. | ||
| Once I do, I'll cut it off. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got to get tickets for next year, and once you do, you'll cut it off. | ||
| Does that help you get tickets? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It's all about the mindset. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| I'm not using a knife. | ||
| I've got to do it. | ||
| Cut that fucking thing off. | ||
| Dude, I've got to tell you about it. | ||
| You're 12 to 50 years old. | ||
| What are you doing with this fucking thing on your wrist? | ||
| I'm waiting. | ||
| It's good luck. | ||
| Hey, I went to this nightclub in Germany, in Berlin. | ||
| It was fucking so fun, dude. | ||
| I've been having fun going around places. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's fucking nuts. | ||
| They do shit on another level there. | ||
| I'm not into EDM and stuff, but it was great. | ||
| As soon as you walk in, it's like... | ||
| Okay, first of all, you can't even get in. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The first thing you see when you get in is just a bunch of people in leather worn out. | ||
| It goes from Friday night, midnight, until like Monday at about noon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You can just stay in and do hella drugs and just dance for like techno and like house music on different floors. | ||
| People die in there? | ||
| They must. | ||
| They must. | ||
| They must go too hard and have heart attacks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But everyone, yeah, they must. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when you're down there, it's on the third level where there's no, and people just coming down. | ||
| I went in like a day and a half, so it was like Sunday when I went. | ||
| So people are just like out of it, sweaty, girls with like tutus and like whatever. | ||
| There's a coat check place where somebody said, somebody checked their gimp one time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you do the co-check first? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you're going to stay in it for me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The very first thing I saw. | ||
| I go in. | ||
| It's overwhelming. | ||
| Me and my promoter were there. | ||
| We're like, this is fucking too much. | ||
| And we're like, alright, let's get beers. | ||
| And I saw... | ||
| This is so great, dude. | ||
| The way to get in is just to wear all black or wear leather or just be with gay people. | ||
| Gay people just get in and they make sure it's like a good time for everybody. | ||
| And they make you put a sticker over your phone. | ||
| No pictures. | ||
| They'll throw you the fuck out. | ||
| Do whatever drugs you want. | ||
| Anyway, as soon as I see that, there's a guy at the end of the bar just getting jerked off as he's ordering. | ||
| By a guy or a girl? | ||
| By a guy. | ||
| Jerked out by a guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's fucking ordering the beer out of it on drugs and still trying to get some. | ||
| His other hand is just gone inside his asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| A full, like, because it didn't make sense. | ||
| Fist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| Something. | ||
| It might have been open. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| I don't know what it was doing on the inside. | ||
| It might have been open or closed. | ||
| Like a puppet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it's just debauchery. | ||
| You just get drugs in the bathroom and dance and dance and dance. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You see full blowjobs going on. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like anything goes. | ||
| People are out with their dicks out just fucking jumping and dancing. | ||
| If you gave everybody drugs, that's what they would do. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good times? | ||
| It was the best. | ||
| You just walk around and you go to the bathroom. | ||
| Somebody eventually was looking for anything. | ||
| What were you trying to get? | ||
| Ecstasy, probably. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Molly, you know, something like that. | ||
| Somebody eventually gave me one. | ||
| I was like, I got enough from, like, Pemboda got two. | ||
| And he was like, no, no, I'm going home. | ||
| I'm only staying till, like, three. | ||
| I got my kids, like, soccer game tomorrow. | ||
| And I was like, all right, so I'll throw this out then. | ||
| We'll just throw out the ecstasy. | ||
| And he's like, all right, fucking relax. | ||
| So he took some, and then we just started dancing, man. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| The music is nuts. | ||
| They got, like, the best DJs in the world, like, go down there and just, like, show off. | ||
| I don't know, just like do sets. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of like the comedy store. | ||
| Kind of like the comedy store where it's like the best comics in the world doing it for, what, 15 bucks? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Nothing to do with the money they're trying to show off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, God, it was so fucking fun. | ||
| They just have this like nightclub culture. | ||
| They'll even have like rockabilly bars there and then people are dancing in the back. | ||
| Do you remember when the early days of the internet, you would get shit porn from Germany? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| It was always from Germany. | ||
| They go, whatever you're into, just go for it. | ||
| Why Germany? | ||
| Do you think after World War II, they just went crazy? | ||
| No, I think not after World War II. I think after the Berlin Wall fell. | ||
| I think it's all a reaction to that shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because they're not really, in Berlin at least, they're not really thinking about the Holocaust anymore. | ||
| They're thinking about that East-West. | ||
| That's their most recent massive historical, you know? | ||
| And that was, what was that, the 80s? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was during the Reagan administration, wasn't it? | ||
| Mr. Gorbachev tied on that wall. | ||
| Didn't I know, I think I know somebody who had a piece of the wall. | ||
| I had one. | ||
| You could buy it at Spencer's and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, I had one. | ||
| Spencer Gifts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| They had a piece of the wall? | ||
| You could also buy a poster of a guy with his, like that. | ||
| Oh, his dick root showing? | ||
| Yeah, just like a little bit, you know? | ||
| Just like, hanging out with my cowboy hat. | ||
| You know Abercrombie& Fitch? | ||
| You know that store? | ||
| Abercrombie& Fonch? | ||
| Yeah, you know, you go there, they spray you with some fucking toxic chemicals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| As soon as you go in. | ||
| It's like the whole place is filled with perfume. | ||
| It's really strange. | ||
| That used to be a place where you would go and buy, like, legit outdoor gear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, if you were going fly fishing. | ||
| See, if you and I were going to go down the fucking river in Montana. | ||
| Ibercami and Fitch was? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what it used to be. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It used to sell, like, kayaks and shit. | ||
| Yeah, it was like flannels by the time I was, and now it's... | ||
| Now it's just like... | ||
| DJ gear. | ||
| But it's all these weird, hermaphrodite-looking people. | ||
| Like, everyone is, everyone is like asexual or weirdly thin, just strange, you know, gender-neutral. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The girls, they all look like they're 14. It's the crying game. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| All the crying game. | ||
| Nobody knows what the crying game is anymore. | ||
| That was like one of the first transgender things we'd ever experienced. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Culturally, the crying game. | ||
| That sign across the street from the store on the Hyatt. | ||
| That one's another, like a gender-neutral Asian lady with a slightly less gender-neutral Asian lady. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| It's on the store, the one with the parking lot faces. | ||
| It's there right now? | ||
| There's a sign there right now? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's just these two models, yeah. | ||
| But they look like, what the fuck are you? | ||
| What are you, a boy or a girl? | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| That's in now. | ||
| It's in if people can't tell if you're a boy or a girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| Mysterioso. | ||
| It's mysterious. | ||
| But why is that in? | ||
| Why are people into that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They are. | ||
| But they're into it for advertising, right? | ||
| But are they into it like, how many people, like what is the market for like people being gender neutral looking? | ||
| Who's going to like, hey man, you going out tonight? | ||
| Yeah, and I try to meet somebody. | ||
| Who are you trying to meet? | ||
| Someone who I can't tell. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I just don't want to know. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
| I'm doing anal and I don't want to know. | ||
| When I pull their pants down, I don't know what the fuck to expect. | ||
| Well, are you looking for a boy or a girl? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Butts. | ||
| Buttholes. | ||
| Just buttholes. | ||
| I don't care if you're gay or straight or trans or what the fuck. | ||
| Ever! | ||
| Everlast just signed their first ever transgender boxer. | ||
| It's a trans female to male boxer. | ||
| And my first thought was... | ||
| This guy's gonna get lit up. | ||
| Like, he goes and fights actual men. | ||
| Oh, it was female to male? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're all amateurs, I guess. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dude, we saw at Skank Fest naked roast battle. | ||
| See, this is it. | ||
| That's a female to male. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Well, look at the shoulders. | ||
| That looks like an anti-dick show. | ||
| A lot of facial hair. | ||
| You see, they said, like, track teams do mixed-gender races. | ||
| Yeah, it was a disaster. | ||
| I tweeted about it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a disaster. | ||
| Disaster roids? | ||
| Yeah, well, the men blew by the women like they were parked. | ||
| That's how it works, kids. | ||
| You want all this transgender shit? | ||
| You know transgender athletes? | ||
| You know who suffers? | ||
| Women. | ||
| That's who suffers. | ||
| It's always women. | ||
| When you're trying to make everything diverse, let's diversify and include everyone. | ||
| No, you're not including everyone. | ||
| You're including men to compete as women. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| Because the women competing as men, like that Everlast boxer, dude, I haven't sparred in forever. | ||
| I'll knock that dude the fuck out. | ||
| There's just no way. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| There's a giant difference. | ||
| That guy's never going to beat Deontay Wilder. | ||
| He's never going to beat a real boxer. | ||
| Remember Andy Kaufman was full-on challenging women wrestlers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was amazing. | |
| And he was going as hard as he could. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| He was going as hard as he could. | ||
| There's a lot of women jiu-jitsu people that'll fuck you up, though. | ||
| But that's a different animal. | ||
| You're not punching things. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of female boxers that'll fuck, like Claressa Shields will fuck you up. | ||
| There's a few. | ||
| Ann Wolfe, she'll fuck a lot of men up. | ||
| But it's not normal. | ||
| They're not going to fuck a normal man up who weighs the same weight as them. | ||
| They're just not. | ||
| It's just not fair. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| And women suffer. | ||
| With this transgender athlete thing, the people that are suffering are biological failures. | ||
| Do you think they're going to figure it out or what? | ||
| Well, the weightlifting committee has already figured it out. | ||
| Powerlifting committee, they've already banned transgender women. | ||
| They banned them all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever the organization of powerlifters is. | ||
| But they've put the fucking kibosh on it. | ||
| Because all these trans women, who are fucking men, are breaking all these world records. | ||
| Like, you're a durr. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| They're crushing these records. | ||
| It's fun, because we want to be like, okay, I want to understand your plight. | ||
| But at the same time, you guys have got to see it from our point of view. | ||
| You are setting world records all the time. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's just this weird... | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's where the rubber hits the road when it comes to this whole trans-activism thing. | ||
| This is where it really hits. | ||
| When gender dysphoria becomes a real issue. | ||
| When is that? | ||
| When physical competition and physical altercations. | ||
| If a trans woman beats a shit out of a regular woman in a bar, is it a girl beating up a girl in a bar? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's a male. | ||
| It's a biological male beating up a female. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| That is what it is. | ||
| And there was a study recently released about trans athletes and their physical performance after one year of transitioning and how much the males have lost versus how much the females have gained. | ||
| Female to male gained very little. | ||
| Male to female lost very little. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, very little. | ||
| It's like a very small decrease in their overall strength after a year of transitioning. | ||
| Like small, like below 15%. | ||
| It's outrageous. | ||
| It's women. | ||
| It's biological women getting fucked over by people who want to be a woman. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And everyone who wants to be, oh, we're diverse and we're inclusive and we're progressive and we're woke. | ||
| What if you went from woman to man? | ||
| Could you then fight against the women? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you went from women to men, you fight against men, and you get concussions. | ||
| No, but can't you, in this new world, could you fight back in the world? | ||
| Because if I'm born a woman, now I'm a man, where should I fight? | ||
| You have to fight men. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But I'm saying, in your world. | ||
| In my world? | ||
| Yeah, where they can't fight. | ||
| Fight trans people. | ||
| Fight trans people. | ||
| This is the simple solution is compete against other trans people. | ||
| And I'm just saying, too, how about we get the races separate as well? | ||
| These black guys should fight blacks, and these whites should fight whites. | ||
| We need a chance. | ||
| We need someone to root for in every fight, and we don't get that. | ||
| I would definitely watch a white fighting league. | ||
| I told Dana White, I was like, if you really want to get people into the Ultimate Fighter, you've got to do an Ultimate Fighter race. | ||
| And have four teams, Mexicans or any Latinos, blacks, whites, and the Asians. | ||
| And then have them fight against each other, have four captains, each of that. | ||
| It'd be so much fun. | ||
| All amateurs. | ||
| It'd be a real issue. | ||
| It'd be so fun! | ||
| People would get so angry. | ||
| But they all sign up for it. | ||
| Well, it's already weird when they do like Brazil versus the US. Yeah! | ||
| They've done those before. | ||
| I know, we went to one, it was great. | ||
| Right, but it was Brazil, like Brazilians, Brazilians are uniquely diverse. | ||
| Oh, they did an ultimate fighter like that? | ||
| Yeah, I believe so. | ||
| Race, Dana! | ||
| Ultimate Fighter Race! | ||
| I believe they did Ultimate Fighter Brazil versus the U.S. All Brazilian team, all U.S. team. | ||
| But the thing about... | ||
| I'm on Team Whites. | ||
| I'm on the flex. | ||
| But you're Jewish. | ||
| What are you? | ||
| Jewish or white. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| Jews are white. | ||
| You're Jews. | ||
| Whites hate you. | ||
| We could just be the guys who wear the suits right outside the ring. | ||
| The white supremacists hate the Jews. | ||
| That's one of the things they always get mad at. | ||
| They really do. | ||
| When someone goes crazy, they always have... | ||
| Yeah, Wanderley Silva versus Chael Sonnen. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| No, I want full race. | ||
| This is a good start for sure. | ||
| But hold on. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Put that back up, Jamie. | ||
| Make that so I can read the whole thing. | ||
| Maybe a little smaller. | ||
| Make it. | ||
| Make it so it's at that. | ||
| Yeah, the coaches... | ||
| I think he might have coached... | ||
| Team, yeah, I don't know about that. | ||
| That's just Vanderlei versus Chael. | ||
| I don't know if it's specifically Brazilians versus Americans. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| All the fighters will sign up for it. | ||
| They know it's a joke. | ||
| I think it should be... | ||
| We're more at odds with each other than ever. | ||
| Why not capitalize on that? | ||
| I think it should be white racists versus angry black guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could have Cowboy Cerrone. | ||
| What is he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would assume he's a cowboy. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Cowboys, he's got a lot of blood. | ||
| You could have only like half and half people coaching each side. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Like only, yeah, mixed race? | ||
| Only mixed race people, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, we're tweaking it. | ||
| We're tweaking it. | ||
| As I hear some of these things out loud, I realize, nah, maybe that won't work. | ||
| You should be coached by your race. | ||
| Well, it's weird when you go to other countries, right? | ||
| Because did you see what happened in Mexico? | ||
| You can make it friendly, too. | ||
| You can be like, if the Spaniards win one, you can be like, now you guys, I'm going to show you something about our culture. | ||
| We're going to all go to this restaurant, and I'm going to show you what horchata tastes like and whatever. | ||
| I thought you were going to say go to the bullfights. | ||
| Sure! | ||
| Well, that's, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if that's part of their culture, pack fights at least. | ||
| That's a weird, like, bullfights are a largely offensive thing that's still romantically received by a good portion of the world. | ||
| Like, if you think about what a bullfight is, like a bullfight, the matador, that is not thought of as an offensive thing, but it's hugely offensive what they're doing. | ||
| I want to go. | ||
| I went to Barcelona, I looked, but they don't really have it in Barcelona, they have it in Madrid. | ||
| Oh, you gotta go to Madrid? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I've heard. | ||
| But they don't really have it there, because it's inhumane. | ||
| But I still want to go. | ||
| I just watched a guy get gored. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he got fucking killed. | ||
| He got killed by the bull. | ||
| Did I take him with the cockfights? | ||
| I've been to cockfights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a gardener that used to slip back and forth back from Mexico to the United States. | ||
| Eventually went back and moved there. | ||
| This is the border. | ||
| I was looking at this one day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What border? | |
| United States? | ||
| Yeah, right by Tijuana. | ||
| There's a ring right on the edge here. | ||
| That's the walls right here. | ||
| That's in Tijuana? | ||
| It's right. | ||
| I mean, it's basically San Diego. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It might not be active, but it's right there. | ||
| I bet it's active. | ||
| Well, let's Google it. | ||
| I tried looking around one day and... | ||
| They don't have Google? | ||
| Well, I mean, I couldn't find, like, an event there. | ||
| They have concerts and shit in this thing, so I don't know. | ||
| Oh, so maybe they use it as not just a... | ||
| But is it just a... | ||
| They probably would swap me, too. | ||
| It was a bullring? | ||
| It seems like it. | ||
| I mean, take a peek at what it is. | ||
| You can see. | ||
| It looks like it, for sure. | ||
| It's not new. | ||
| Yeah, it looks exactly like that. | ||
| I want to go to one. | ||
| I want to find out when one is in Spain and go to one. | ||
| It's probably really sad. | ||
| Joe, where do you want to go if you go anywhere? | ||
| Anywhere? | ||
| What's like gnawing at you? | ||
| Jamie, you too. | ||
| Do you ever have countries just like pulling at you? | ||
| I think Africa. | ||
| Africa, yeah, me too. | ||
| I would like to go on safari. | ||
| Like a legit safari. | ||
| Out there in a car? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I wanted to go to the Congo, but every time I talk to Justin, he's got some new fucking disease. | ||
| He's got some horrible parasite that's eating away at him right now. | ||
| That's not great. | ||
| He's had malaria three times. | ||
| That guy's a saint. | ||
| You know who he is? | ||
| The Fight for the Forgotten guy? | ||
| He's a Bellator heavyweight. | ||
| He's over there making wells for the Pygmies. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we contribute this podcast and through the sponsor called the Cash App. | ||
| Every time someone signs up, they use the promo code JoeRogan, all one word. | ||
| They get $10 towards Fight for the Forgotten. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's raised a lot of money and built a lot of wells. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| So they're building. | ||
| He's going down there all the time to build wells. | ||
| And last time we came back with some fucking terrible parasite. | ||
| And the doctors are trying to figure it out. | ||
| It's like some jungle shit. | ||
| He's in the Congo. | ||
| He's literally in the jungle. | ||
| You know, catching these weird things. | ||
| I had this guy Dr. Peter Hotez on. | ||
| He's a specialist in tropical diseases. | ||
| He told me literally everyone who lives in a tropical jungle environment has some parasites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Everyone. | ||
| Because you shouldn't be there. | ||
| You just live with parasites. | ||
| You're going to have worms and fucking weird shit. | ||
| There's this thing in Laos where you sleep up in trees. | ||
| They're called the Gibbon Experience or something. | ||
| I didn't do it, but I talked to people who did. | ||
| And then you just hike all the way through the jungle and sleep way, way up in these tree, tree houses. | ||
| Monkeys all around you and shit. | ||
| And every day you have to take off your shoes and burn off the leeches. | ||
| Because they're non-dangerous leeches, but they're all on you. | ||
| You've got to burn them off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to set a mattress or cigar and fucking touch it and fall off. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But parasites... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| Someone died recently. | ||
| Some guy was swimming in some lake, I think in Florida, or maybe Texas, got some brain-eating parasite that went into his fucking noggin and just wound up eating his head. | ||
| Like, it happens, man. | ||
| Dude, I want you to do an episode of Skeptic Tank at my podcast where we just talk about things that'll kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, we should. | |
| You've been talking about that shit for 20 years. | ||
| Different things that'll kill you. | ||
| Well, we talked about doing it. | ||
| Last time we talked about doing another episode, it would be about that. | ||
| Yeah, let's do that. | ||
| I'll be back in November. | ||
| We'll do that. | ||
| So, I just got back from elk hunting. | ||
| Oh, yeah, how was it? | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| My friend John was 20 yards away from a mountain lion. | ||
| They were both stalking the same elk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And, you know, he's moving so slow. | ||
| He's such a great hunter that the mountain lion didn't know he was there. | ||
| So he's creeping up on this elk and he looks over and 20 yards is 60 feet. | ||
| Can you shoot the mountain lion? | ||
| No, you have to have a tag, which means you have to have... | ||
| It's a limited draw hunt. | ||
| If you want to hunt for mountain lions, it takes like 13 years to get a tag. | ||
| It's very difficult in the state of Utah. | ||
| So he's creeping up on this bull and he realizes like... | ||
| Big ass mountain lion. | ||
| It was like 20 yards away from him. | ||
| So he jumped up in there and screamed. | ||
| The mountain lion fucking took off. | ||
| What did the elk do? | ||
| Also took off. | ||
| Also took off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Everybody scattered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was trying to figure out what to do. | ||
| Yeah, what should... | ||
| Well, you have to be careful because if you get too close, it might decide... | ||
| I'll attack you. | ||
| These animals, if you're inside the area where they don't think they can get away, they'll turn to fight. | ||
| And that's when you're fucked. | ||
| Most of the time they're just going to run away to fight another day. | ||
| Especially mountain lions, they operate on stealth. | ||
| Their whole idea is sneaking up on people and things. | ||
| Dude, I was in... | ||
| So what I do is sometimes I go from car from city to city sometimes. | ||
| I'll do an add-on show on a Wednesday or a Sunday. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And I'll get a car and I'll drive. | ||
| I like driving around the country. | ||
| So I was doing it in Tampa, driving across. | ||
| Maybe I visit my parents first. | ||
| But anytime I see a swath of green, I'll just pull over and hike. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| In Tampa? | ||
| Well, anywhere. | ||
| But in between Miami and Tampa is just a big swath of green. | ||
| So I started hiking, but they have this big fence around everything. | ||
| And I open it up and start hiking, and they talk about, like, sabers or whatever. | ||
| Panthers. | ||
| Panthers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They go, like, those panther attacks are rare. | ||
| We strongly advise you not to be out alone. | ||
| Panther attacks do happen. | ||
| And then I was just like, ah, I don't need to hike that bad today. | ||
| It's a mountain lion. | ||
| It's the same animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's, like, a slightly different gene pool, but it's the same animal. | ||
| I don't know when they're sneaking up on you. | ||
| I don't know any of the tricks. | ||
| I have no part of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you'd be... | ||
| You'd definitely be fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's other things that can kill you in Florida. | ||
| Florida's filled with stuff that can kill you. | ||
| Snakes and shit. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like the fucking traveling, though. | ||
| I like getting out of my car just randomly in some, like... | ||
| Nobody's out in a weekday. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Nobody's out. | ||
| Just seeing what's up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What if you found a meth lab back in the woods? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is four years old. | ||
| No human has been attacked by a Florida panther in state history, wildlife officials say. | ||
| Oh, then I definitely should have done it. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Well, the fact is where this is from. | ||
| That seems interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy might have just been saying it because he loves panthers. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| Get out there, pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People get attacked by mountain lions, though, and it's basically the same animal. | ||
| But I think the Florida panther is a really small population. | ||
| I think there's a very small population of them. | ||
| I get so scared when I'm walking alone in the woods, and I'm like shaking my keys, and a squirrel makes me fucking, my heart beats so fast whenever I hear anything. | ||
| Once you carry a gun, then you feel empowered. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Walk through the woods with a fucking assault rifle, a laser sight. | ||
| You start cracking off rounds. | ||
| Just shooting the air. | ||
| Anything that comes near you, tack, tack, tack, tack, tack. | ||
| Oh, yeah, an attack. | ||
| Oh, fuck out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got that squirrel. | |
| This is America, and I'm a fucking man. | ||
| She's coming at me. | ||
| I'm a human being with a gun! | ||
| Yeah, the woods will make you realize what a bitch you are, man. | ||
| Yeah, I'm frightened of everything. | ||
| And no one's going to hear your screams, and then you start thinking, like, how am I going to get out of here if a snake does bite me? | ||
| Like a rattlesnake, like, how far do I have to hike by myself out? | ||
| Yeah, some endurance athlete, some famous endurance athlete, just got bit by a rattlesnake. | ||
| He was in the middle of some, like, long trek. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That's that singer. | ||
| Mike Posner. | ||
| Mike Posner. | ||
| He got bit, too. | ||
| Oh, and another guy, too? | ||
| Yeah, Mike Posner, he got bit. | ||
| He's back on his walk. | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| He's walking across the country and, like, across Colorado. | ||
| Maybe that was the story. | ||
| But I feel like someone else got bit, too. | ||
| Someone else got bit. | ||
| And then they had to get somewhere? | ||
| I feel like I got this. | ||
| He had to get, like, medevaced out in hospitals for a couple weeks or something. | ||
| No, that's Richie Builds. | ||
| That's a guy who... | ||
| He sure looks like Ian. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It's a very interesting guy. | ||
| He has a YouTube channel, and he bought a Tesla that was junked, and then bought another Tesla with the parts that it needed, like two junked Teslas, and pieced it together and made his own Tesla for a significant discount. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's really cool. | ||
| But Tesla people don't like him because they don't like the fact that he's doing that. | ||
| And so he can't get his shit fixed at a regular Tesla dealership. | ||
| Because they blackballed him? | ||
| Basically, yeah. | ||
| So he opened up a place called the Electrified Garage. | ||
| So he's got his own Tesla unauthorized repair center. | ||
| I love that gorilla shit. | ||
| Well, he's great at it, too, because he's just a real techie, nerdy, sort of very informed guy. | ||
| And a car guy, too. | ||
| So he's just like, well, this doesn't make any fucking sense. | ||
| Like, how can I do this? | ||
| And so, like, okay. | ||
| He bought one that had been overrun with water. | ||
| So all the electrical system was all fucked up, but the body was good. | ||
| And he got another one that was in a car accident, but the electrical system was good. | ||
| So he took that and put it in there, and pieced it all together, and now he has a working Tesla. | ||
| So fucking handy. | ||
| Yeah, very clever fellow. | ||
| He also was one of the first guys I ever met that had one of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just made one of these. | |
| It's called a rat rod. | ||
| Oh, this is his new shit? | ||
| He made that? | ||
| Yeah, okay, so he got a fully electrified old school hot rod. | ||
| Ford Model A. Wow. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| He's a smart dude, man. | ||
| Motorcycle engine in it. | ||
| Smart dude. | ||
| I love those guys that find their passion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just really likes doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And figure out a way to make money out of it. | ||
| Yeah, but he's also just an interesting guy. | ||
| The thing about his YouTube videos is his perspective on things is just interesting. | ||
| He's like, okay, how do I fix this fucking thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's figure it out. | ||
| But the way to figure it out was he had to buy another one that was junk, but then he had to get a key because Tesla won't give you a key for one of their cars. | ||
| If you have a broken Ford, you go, hey, I fixed this Mustang, but I need a key for it. | ||
| Can you guys make me a key? | ||
| Ford dealership will make you a key. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They go, yeah, yeah, we'll replace the cylinder. | ||
| Yeah, because who cares what you do with it? | ||
| Yeah, we want what we want. | ||
| Ford is different, right? | ||
| If you have a Mustang and you have like a 1965 Mustang that you rebuilt yourself, they'd be like, oh, great! | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tesla's like, what are you doing? | ||
| This is unauthorized. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get away. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| This is going to explode. | ||
| You don't know how to work with batteries. | ||
| Fucking bullshit. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| That's like my rabbi friend. | ||
| Just give it to me. | ||
| Just give me the information. | ||
| I'll do what I want with it. | ||
| Just give me the key, you fuck. | ||
| Yeah, so he had to have it hacked so that he could get the updates too? | ||
| Because Tesla updates their software. | ||
| They won't do updates for you? | ||
| They're blocking them? | ||
| So he had to get a hacker to hack into a system so that he could get the updates. | ||
| Tesla should impeach this guy. | ||
| They should get rid of him. | ||
| Yeah, they want everybody following their rules. | ||
| Or if you're a Jew in Chicago this November. | ||
| Chicago and San Jose. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're doing comedy? | ||
| I'm doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| I'm doing a great new hour of stand-up comedy. | ||
| And are you filming soon? | ||
| Filming soon. | ||
| Filming soon. | ||
| Trying to figure it out. | ||
| Figure out where. | ||
| You've had this special, pretty locked down. | ||
| Pretty locked down. | ||
| I did have an orthodox friend come to see it, to point out things that were wrong factually. | ||
| And he got like one and a half. | ||
| So I'm like, alright, so I gotta change that. | ||
| That was like the last effort to make sure everything was super accurate. | ||
| No, just somewhere where something's headed. | ||
| A lot of these shit, I was like... | ||
| Dude, I had like a three-minute chunk that was murdering about Noah's 40 children. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And then I went back to my yeshiva in Jerusalem, to my seminary, and I was learning that stuff. | ||
| And it was like, he had, uh-uh, he had like, did not have 40 children. | ||
| It was like two sons and a daughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| So I had to like scrap a, honestly, four and a half minute murder chunk about Noah's wife's pussy. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But whatever. | ||
| That's all part of it. | ||
| But hold that for something else. | ||
| Yeah, right, right. | ||
| I'm going to actually look up, are there any other Jewish historical figures that have had 40 children? | ||
| Or it doesn't even have to be Jewish historical figures. | ||
| Anybody that had 40 kids. | ||
| You can make a little sidetrack to someone else. | ||
| Some other asshole that had 40 kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe Little Miss Muffet's out of the, what's the, the shoe? | ||
| The shoe lady? | ||
| She said Kurds and whey. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? | ||
| What's that shoe? | ||
| The Brothers Grimm shoe one. | ||
| I listened to a Dice album recently. | ||
| It's so over the top. | ||
| It's crazy how fucking bravado-y it is. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He's like, hey, look at you, sweetheart. | ||
| It's just like, oh, my God. | ||
| On an album. | ||
| When albums, like, mattered. | ||
| Like a record. | ||
| Well, you've heard When the Laughter Died, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the greatest album anybody's ever put out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of people say that. | |
| Because it's terrible. | ||
| It's just like, this is what stand-up really is. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He had no material. | ||
| He decided to make an album with zero material, just pop in at Dangerfields in New York City, record it with Rick Rubin, and have no fucking idea what he was going to talk about. | ||
| He had no material either? | ||
| No! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And this was when he was selling out on Reels. | ||
| What a great follow-up to one of the biggest albums of all time. | ||
| Dude, Dice is a unique cat. | ||
| He doesn't get enough credit for being as unique as he is. | ||
| He's a unique guy. | ||
| Like, just that alone. | ||
| Like, people talk about ego and this and that. | ||
| Do you know how healthy your ego has to be to release a two-CD fucking release? | ||
| Two CDs. | ||
| It was two. | ||
| You couldn't fit it all on one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Day of the Laughter Dive was a two-CD thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Of eating shit. | ||
| People were walking. | ||
| I remember this guy yelled at him, you're about as funny as a glass of milk! | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's funny. | |
| It's a glass of milk. | ||
| That's a great thing about Santa. | ||
| We got to reevaluate every single time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| But he didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He didn't care at all. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He used to do this thing at the store just to entertain the door guys who were friendly with him. | ||
| He would do this thing where he could see how long he'd go without saying anything of note. | ||
| We'd be in the back dying. | ||
| First, he would walk over to the mic and tap it with the cigarettes and then put it down. | ||
| Test, test. | ||
| Not saying anything real, right? | ||
| Eventually, he would start. | ||
| Turn it up. | ||
| Eventually, he would go... | ||
| So I was at the thing, you know, with the guy comes over and he fucking talks. | ||
| You know how it is. | ||
| And then it's like, you gotta decide, you know. | ||
| And he's just saying nothing real. | ||
| And we're dying in the back as he's just milking a fucking naan. | ||
| And then, you know, the weather's out, so of course there's that. | ||
| And then you gotta think about everything. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right, sir? | ||
| And then finally goes into a bit. | ||
| Yeah, he would just try to piss them off sometimes. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I would have loved to have talked to him when he was releasing that CD, The Day the Laughter Died. | ||
| Like, what is he thinking? | ||
| What's on your mind here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why'd you decide to do this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it was clear he wasn't trying to kill. | ||
| No, he was trying to experiment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't give a fuck. | |
| I think he was really trying to show what a pop-in set is really like. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I don't think so. | ||
| No, because a lot of times pop-in sets, you're trying to get laughs. | ||
| He was trying to get laughs, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sort of. | |
| He just wasn't using his best ammunition. | ||
| He wasn't using any. | ||
| It's like playing Duke Nukem, but only using knife. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's like playing Duke Nukem and punching people. | ||
| Yeah, right, right, right, right. | ||
| But still trying to punch them to death. | ||
| Left and right. | ||
| Still trying. | ||
| But not knowing how to punch. | ||
| I gotta listen to the album again. | ||
| Dude, he had no material. | ||
| He was just fucking around. | ||
| Like, it seemed like everything he was saying he was inventing on the spot. | ||
| I need to ask him if that's the case. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it is. | ||
| Because it seemed like it was all invented on the spot. | ||
| I got a record player, finally, and I started getting some comedy albums randomly. | ||
| I walk around, and I'll just look. | ||
| Sometimes they're a dollar. | ||
| Bill Cosby's are fire sale! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Nobody else will buy them, and they're amazing. | ||
| Yeah, you can see estate sales of Cosby stuff where people just got rid of him. | ||
| Dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar. | ||
| Would you have him on your podcast? | ||
| Bill Cosby? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| If he gets out of the pokey? | ||
| I'd want to know what it was like in prison, and I'd want to talk to him about an outstanding news story. | ||
| Oh yeah, that story? | ||
| Yeah, I mean for sure. | ||
| I want to hear from people like that. | ||
| Do you think you would talk about it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You'd have to ask him ahead of time. | ||
| You don't want to trap him or anything. | ||
| But like, my biggest regret, the one get I wanted to get for Skeptic Tank from my podcast is Fred Phelps. | ||
| And he died before I get him. | ||
| I really wanted to just ask him, the guy who ran the Westboro Baptist Church, I wanted to ask him in a legit way, like, what are you looking for? | ||
| Do you think these methods will get there? | ||
| Not make fun of them, not argue with them, just like, what are you into? | ||
| Well, did you ever see Louis Theroux's documentary on him? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really good, yeah. | ||
| I was just... | ||
| Just talking to Louie about some new thing he's got coming out now, and it made me sort of revisit it. | ||
| Megan Phelps, who was his granddaughter. | ||
| She's a little crazier. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| She was on the podcast. | ||
| Oh, she's the one that got out? | ||
| She's the one that got out. | ||
| Oh, not the other daughter that runs it. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Megan is remarkably kind and nice. | ||
| She got out knowing, because of the internet, knowing people online and meeting them, and they sort of pointed out the hypocrisy and all the contradictions and all the different things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| And then she realized, like, oh my god, I'm in a cult. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm in a Christian-based cult. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of people also don't understand what your upbringing gives you. | ||
| You need to cut that thing off the list, please. | ||
| It's driving me crazy. | ||
| That's half of why I do it. | ||
| 50-year-old man with a fucking... | ||
| Dude, I took July off of all my internet and everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| I just took it off. | ||
| And then I got so bored that I shaved bald into my head. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was just so bored. | ||
| It's a good look. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| But I did it for the same reason I leave this on. | ||
| My girlfriend hates it. | ||
| So I was trying to shave my head with the back of, you know, the back of a beard, of a trimmer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the back is just for their sideburns. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I was trying to shave all my head. | ||
| And after like 40 minutes, I was back to like there. | ||
| And I was like, fuck this. | ||
| I'll go buy a real, like, you know, a real beard trimmer the next day. | ||
| And I saw my girlfriend. | ||
| She was like, hey, what? | ||
| No. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And I was like, no, I'm gonna, oh, no, I'm not keeping it now. | ||
| I kept it for a month and a half. | ||
| I only taped it because somebody died in the comedy scene, and I didn't want to be at his funeral like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| But it was great, dude. | ||
| I bronzed it. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| Once I got it tanned, you couldn't really tell. | ||
| You tanned the stripe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Yeah, so it was just full, like, just a bald cut. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Bronze. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| How come bronzing's okay, but blackface isn't? | ||
| You're acting like a tanner person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| You're acting like you're Brazilian. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It shouldn't be allowed. | ||
| You're acting like you're from Ecuador or something. | ||
| Like you're a jungle person. | ||
| I have a new theory about cultural appropriation. | ||
| Want to hear it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Okay, so you don't have to respect every person's culture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You have to. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And if a part of their culture is wrong, like I say about the Chinese pushing on Subway, I had a bit like two specials ago about Chinese people. | ||
| If they try to get on an elevator before you get off, that's always a Chinese person. | ||
| That's almost always a Chinese person. | ||
| Not Asian. | ||
| Chinese. | ||
| But that part of their culture you don't have to respect, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You don't have to respect everything. | ||
| So fine. | ||
| White culture is appropriating other cultures. | ||
| That's what we do best. | ||
| That's what Elvis did. | ||
| That's what we crush it at. | ||
| Mexican food, hot dogs, it's all appropriating other people's cultures. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| So you have to respect that in our culture, which is taking on your culture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| I like it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Because this whole country is a melting pot. | ||
| It's a melting pot. | ||
| That's part of this country. | ||
| It's a fondue place. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You've got to allow us to fondue your culture. | ||
| You can still use your culture. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But we also can use it. | ||
| Why can't you respect America's culture? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Our culture is stealing. | ||
| Let's be respected. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Now you get it. | ||
| And that's why I'm running for president in 2024. You can't handle me yet. | ||
| Is Ben Glebe going to be your vice president? | ||
| Ben Glebe will be my vice president. | ||
| He'll be my minister of affairs. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Do you think Trump is getting impeached? | ||
| Is he getting impeached? | ||
| Jamie, you paying attention to this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Have you ever seen one where you're just like, I don't even know what you guys are talking about anymore. | ||
| I don't trust the media worth shit. | ||
| Anytime they say something, I'm like, I don't know, maybe, boy, you cried wolf. | ||
| Every single thing, you're like, guys, you've just riled me up for nothing over and over again. | ||
| I don't know what any of the truth is. | ||
| All these people are like, what about this person who said this? | ||
| I'm like, I never even heard of that guy. | ||
| What about the Steele dossier? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about Ukraine? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| What about Joe Biden? | ||
| What about when he did it? | ||
| What about this tweet? | ||
| Yeah, there's some fucking shitty tweets. | ||
| We already got that. | ||
| It's already on the books. | ||
| No one's fighting that anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need to stop it. | |
| Stop everything. | ||
| Cancel everyone. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Shut up, all you. | ||
| Just shut up. | ||
| You seem quite mad. | ||
| I get so angry about it. | ||
| It's such a fucking annoying place now, the internet. | ||
| Make sure you get the right cigar out of that ashtray because a lot of those are Mike Tyson weed. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Those fat boys right there, that's a Mike Tyson weed joint. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I smoked one of those a long time ago. | ||
| Dude, I had two hits yesterday doing the Sturgill Simpson podcast. | ||
| I didn't know what I was talking about half the time. | ||
| Sturgill's cool. | ||
| Oh, he's great. | ||
| Got to see him at the Troubadour. | ||
| That's a good place. | ||
| That was my line of like, what is a good rock club, a big-sized rock club in LA? Yeah, apparently it seats like 500 people, but it doesn't really, because you're all standing. | ||
| Yeah, you got to be up on the top level, too. | ||
| You can be there. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| I saw this band called Fuck Once. | ||
| They were great, and it was their farewell show. | ||
| They gave up? | ||
| They were done. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm like, that sucks so bad. | ||
| They were really good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bought an album. | ||
| I bought a CD. Why'd they quit? | ||
| I couldn't get anywhere. | ||
| You know how it is? | ||
| Just like stand-up. | ||
| Well, you have a name called Fuck. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you went for it. | ||
| There were mellow music, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Fuck music. | ||
| Were they music to fuck, too? | ||
| Oh, maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I doubt it's even on there. | ||
| It could be, but they're done. | ||
| Do you like to fuck to music? | ||
| That seems annoying. | ||
| Yeah, I don't. | ||
| If it's still on, it's like, I fuck to music, but not, you know the idea, the quagmire-y idea of putting something on to fuck to? | ||
| Yeah, like Shade. | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| Smooth operator. | ||
| I want utter silence. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I want to be able to hear the sheets move. | ||
| I like jackhammers. | ||
| I just set a pace. | ||
| And that gives you a pace to go on. | ||
| Kind of like a treble with one of those things for a piano. | ||
| What are those things called? | ||
| Metronome? | ||
| Metronome, yeah. | ||
| That's your metronome? | ||
| Yeah, jackhammers, explosions, machine guns going off, people screaming. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| No, I mean, if you're going to listen to music while you're fucking... | ||
| I used to do it when I was young, I think, though. | ||
| I think that was like a thing. | ||
| You'd put on candles, play some music, and get your... | ||
| What'd you lose your virginity to? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, what song? | ||
| Or what music? | ||
| I don't think it was a song. | ||
| I think mine was Mazzy Star. | ||
| Mazzy Star? | ||
| What happened to her? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's certain people like... | ||
| They were great. | ||
| Tracy Chapman. | ||
| What ever happened to Tracy Chapman? | ||
| I know, she got in a car that was going too fast, and... | ||
| Boom! | ||
| My professional stand-up comedian! | ||
| Was it fast enough for them to fly away? | ||
| They had to make a decision. | ||
| Meet tonight or live and die this way. | ||
| And they were riding. | ||
| Riding in their car. | ||
| Speed so fast it felt I was drunk. | ||
| Dude, you gotta go to Egypt. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You would really like it. | ||
| I do want to do that. | ||
| You would like it. | ||
| How dangerous is it over there? | ||
| Not very at all, but there's a sense of danger for sure, especially in those touristy parts. | ||
| The problem is, like, we talked about one of those touristy cities in Italy, where it's like it's too much. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Once tourism has taken over town too much, it's like no longer at the field. | ||
| Venice, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you, like, want to be there, but really what you want to be is there 25 years ago. | ||
| Well, Venice, apparently they changed the laws and allowed these gigantic cruise ships to pull into Venice. | ||
| But while we were there, a cruise ship hit a dock, and apparently there had been two accidents in the last month, and they're trying to reevaluate. | ||
| But they're addicted to the money of all these tourists. | ||
| Dude, you ain't seen nothing like it, man. | ||
| When we were there, it's kind of calm, and then all of a sudden a cruise ship pulls up, and then 20 minutes later it's like... | ||
| Just a vomit of people. | ||
| Just ruining the place. | ||
| Ruining any vibe of the place. | ||
| We were on one of those gondolas, and there was like a fucking traffic jam of gondolas behind us. | ||
| I'm like, this is not what we were, this is not what anybody signed up for. | ||
| Is that one hitting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god, is this in Venice? | ||
| Oh my gosh, and they're all like starting to walk slowly, and now they're walking a lot faster. | ||
| Oh my god, that guy's kind of in the middle! | ||
| Get out of there, guy! | ||
| Get out of there, no! | ||
| Stay on the boat! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So what happens if they just can't back up quick enough? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And all these old people on a fucking ship are trying to do their- Oh, look at that thing slamming into the fucking dock. | |
| They're going to crush that boat. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's just nailing that other boat. | ||
| Oh, my gosh. | ||
| Is this just a moron who doesn't know how to drive, or is there some sort of tactical breaking error? | ||
| Yeah, too much vermouth. | ||
| You got a little bit crazy with the Chianti! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| And move out of the way. | ||
| Already I want a glass of red wine. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Why don't you just say that? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| You want it. | ||
| That would be really great right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| A glass of red wine. | ||
| Nice glass of red wine. | ||
| Have you been to Italy? | ||
| No, I was on the border. | ||
| The Austrian-Italy border. | ||
| We hiked on the border for like six or eight days. | ||
| I've gone to Italy the last four summers in a row. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking great, man. | ||
| Oh, so what I was going to tell you is the other places you kind of go, which is like away, you know, which has more Italian feel, is like the problem with Egypt is all those places, the stuff you want to see is in the touristy spots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because people are going to the pyramids. | ||
| Sort of like the Coliseum. | ||
| Like if you go to the Coliseum, it's just surrounded by people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you go early enough to the pyramids, you're pretty good. | ||
| A couple of hawkers will bother you, but really you're good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I read this blog telling me how to do it right. | ||
| Like be in there first thing and you just have your run of the place. | ||
| I think I'm going to get self-tanner so I fit in. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Smart and appropriate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can wear a turban. | ||
| How come you can do that? | ||
| How come you can go full tan? | ||
| But at a certain point in time, you get to a point where you're doing blackface. | ||
| Yeah, you're doing blackface. | ||
| We talked about that when me and Brendan Schaub had a bit. | ||
| We were talking about that. | ||
| What's the line? | ||
| What's the color wheel? | ||
| With bodybuilders. | ||
| Bodybuilders, they do self-tanner, but then they leave their face out now. | ||
| They leave their face out of the self-tanner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That looks strange. | ||
| It looks like a Photoshop. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| So their face is white and their body is black? | ||
| That's a photoshop then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they're scared! | |
| They can't have black face! | ||
| But they can't have black body? | ||
| But you used to have, they have chocolate body. | ||
| They have chocolate body, but they can't have chocolate face. | ||
| I always thought that black face was the thing when you're doing like soft shoe and like you have it like around. | ||
| Like Sarah Silverman did. | ||
| Yeah, but like you're making fun of the black face. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But, like, blackface wasn't when you were little and somebody would go full costume of something. | ||
| Like, if they were going as the Hulk, they would go green everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You can do that. | ||
| And some people would just go green nose. | ||
| Like, why didn't you commit? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then if you're doing a Mr. T, you go full on T. Yeah. | ||
| And people would be like, wow, you went for it. | ||
| But back then, that wasn't offensive. | ||
| It wasn't. | ||
| That was, like, not blackface. | ||
| That was just black makeup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What happened? | ||
| I think once dummies find the line, they don't really know how to put it into play. | ||
| It's not like a Dr. Cornel West who's saying something interesting. | ||
| It's just some idiot on Twitter. | ||
| And they go, well, I think that's like the thing that they said. | ||
| And then everyone gets mad at you. | ||
| They were going after white girls who were wearing hoop earrings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were saying that white girls were wearing hoop earrings. | ||
| Hoop earrings are black and Latina, which is hilarious because, no, they're not! | ||
| They were actually invented in Sumer. | ||
| The oldest known hoop earrings were in Mesopotamia, you fucks. | ||
| I saw this article in the Banh Mi. | ||
| They made it in somebody's dining hall of a college, and this guy got really mad because he's Vietnamese. | ||
| And he's like, that's not how you even make it! | ||
| You do it in a baguette with this! | ||
| And somebody's like, yeah, a baguette! | ||
| You think that's Vietnamese? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The baguette? | |
| Ah! | ||
| You got it from fucking France 70 years ago, you idiot. | ||
| When they were there. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, Italians stole spaghetti. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, whatever! | ||
| I enjoy your shit! | ||
| I'm gonna use it! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, bro. | ||
| It's fucking good food, good music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of the good things about America, right? | ||
| We steal. | ||
| Somebody on The Daily Show was making fun of me. | ||
| I had this thing at Edinburgh. | ||
| I was in Edinburgh. | ||
| And I saw at a charity shop, thrift store, this beautiful Asian-designed, Chinese-designed velvet shirt, button-down shirt with this beautiful inlay and stuff. | ||
| And I was wearing it, and she was like, wow, that might be kind of cultural appropriation. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| It's just pretty. | ||
| And I thought it was pretty and good-looking. | ||
| And she goes, it's about intent. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, so my intent was I think it's good looking. | ||
| So why are you still talking about it? | ||
| It's like, well, maybe. | ||
| And right as we were talking, four or five Chinese people walked by, like Chinese tourists. | ||
| And they stopped like, oh, hey. | ||
| And they pointed like, yeah, yeah, we like it. | ||
| And it was like, yeah, see? | ||
| They're fine. | ||
| Yeah, stupid. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Everybody shut up. | ||
| Well, you know, they asked Japanese people about... | ||
| What was her name? | ||
| Who was it that dressed up like a geisha? | ||
| Was it Katy Perry? | ||
| She got in trouble for dressing up like a geisha. | ||
| And people were mad. | ||
| The Chinese people were very, or the Japanese people were very happy. | ||
| Because people show the respect for our culture and they enjoy our culture. | ||
| If people dressed up like Jews, like Hasidic Jews, I really put myself in the place. | ||
| I'm like, I think that would be hilarious and fun for me. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I don't think, and I don't think Hasidic Jews would give a fuck one way or the other. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They might accidentally talk to you now. | ||
| Well, what if you're doing an activity that requires you to dress in a traditional garb? | ||
| Like in Thailand, when you have those fucking elephant pants on, every tourist backpacker dude has. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are, so you can ride elephants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Myanmar, they make you put on this, like, makeup stuff to stop you from getting burned. | ||
| Oh, like it's a sunscreen makeup? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're allowed to do that? | ||
| But, I mean, it helps you. | ||
| You need it. | ||
| You're out in the fucking bush. | ||
| What about cultural appropriation? | ||
| Isn't that more important than sunscreen? | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| They think it's funny. | ||
| No, I guess it's not more important. | ||
| Sun cancer? | ||
| They're not really concerned with that. | ||
| All these things, by the way, these funny words like that, cultural appropriation and, you know... | ||
| Dead naming. | ||
| Those are like San Francisco's exports to the world. | ||
| Is it all from San Francisco? | ||
| Yeah, they invent all those things and export it. | ||
| But those are all things that only exist and get people angry in an opulent society. | ||
| When you can afford to be angry about tiny things like that. | ||
| It's a sign of like, we're all doing great. | ||
| Meanwhile, that city is the most overrun city in the country when it comes to drug abuse and when it comes to homeless folks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, like in the streets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're shooting up in front of people's houses. | ||
| That's abuse. | ||
| Dude, I see those people in New York that bent over, tweakers, bent over, look like a fucking human question mark. | ||
| And I know they look awful, but I know they're having a blast. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| It just looks wrong. | ||
| They're fucking loving it. | ||
| They're in another place, dude. | ||
| What if while they're in that other place, they just shit their pants? | ||
| When they come back, it's going to be bad. | ||
| But they're having a great time. | ||
| They're not in pain. | ||
| Where do you think all this social justice outrage goes? | ||
| Do you think it dies off? | ||
| People realize how ridiculous it is and it becomes like bell-bottom jeans? | ||
| Dude, I think it's all caused by the internet, by these echo chambers you live in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And these algorithms that want you being angry. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think it's making everybody angry about... | ||
| It's the same fervor as the blue dress, gold dress. | ||
| It's on one of these things now. | ||
| And it's the same fervor as like, this was too dirty before. | ||
| It's like, well, this is too race-related. | ||
| This is too misogynist, whatever. | ||
| It's just like people turn on each other on a level of like, why? | ||
| You guys would sit next to each other at a ballgame and have a good time. | ||
| Everybody's pretty fucking nice to each other. | ||
| Most people. | ||
| Most people are like, get that fucking N-word out of my way. | ||
| I mean, you just never see those people anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's like, are we just looking for someone to attack? | ||
| So in the Bible, in the Torah, there's this medrash, there's this like fable of, so God to choose, this is what they taught us in Yeshiva, to choose the Jews, it's unfair to have us as the chosen people, right? | ||
| It's unfair to the other cultures. | ||
| So there's this fable that says, God tried every other culture, let them live their entire existence, and then they died out, they killed each other off, never got to the Messiah age. | ||
| And then died out. | ||
| So one time he picked the Christians. | ||
| One time he picked the Chinese. | ||
| One time he picked the fucking Norwegians. | ||
| One time he picked the Germans. | ||
| As his, like, this is my race. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And every time, it didn't work out. | ||
| And one time, in one of these things, and that's why he said maybe that's what the dinosaurs are. | ||
| He gave them the world for a while. | ||
| And then it didn't work. | ||
| But... | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you guys are kind of reaching. | ||
| You can just say whatever, but they're trying to explain it away because they got no explanation for dinosaurs. | ||
| But anyway, what they said, it used to be where crops just grew and animals were just abundant and no one had to toil. | ||
| And so the mankind would toil and then didn't have to. | ||
| Everything just grew, right? | ||
| So, they would think that maybe this would be easier and it would be nicer. | ||
| There's this guy who has this theory on like, since computers are going to come up, we're not going to need like 40 hours of work week anymore, probably 20. And his theory, I forget his name, is that with those other 20 hours, we'll read more and we'll do crazy things. | ||
| But I don't think it is because in this fable of Judaism, when man didn't have to toil, they just went to war. | ||
| They just start murdering each other because you need conflict. | ||
| So in great times that we're in right now where everybody's doing well, an iPhone costs a lot of money and almost nobody doesn't have one. | ||
| We're doing great. | ||
| We're in an opulent society. | ||
| Racism is down to super low levels, but you need someone to attack. | ||
| So even when you're in a bubble of LA or New York and almost everybody's 95% on your side, you're like, I need to attack somebody because everything's too easy. | ||
| So it's a sign of how great we are. | ||
| I think that's accurate. | ||
| I think that's definitely what's going on. | ||
| There's not real problems, like real war, real hard crime and violence in the streets. | ||
| And so we're looking for things to be upset at. | ||
| I also think there's a lot of people that have access to their phone, whether at work or And I think they're bored as fuck. | ||
| And it riles you up. | ||
| And there's a lot of wasted time. | ||
| If you're an employer and you're paying someone to do stuff by the hour, I guarantee you most of their time is spent listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos, and talking shit on Twitter. | ||
| Getting what's making you angry. | ||
| Getting angry, yeah. | ||
| It's all those things used to be so good. | ||
| Dude, that July, I was off computer completely. | ||
| Didn't do anything. | ||
| Had a house phone, no texting, no nothing. | ||
| Didn't look at a computer. | ||
| How'd you feel? | ||
| It felt, I mean, obviously it was like harder. | ||
| I had to write down all my flights and stuff ahead of time. | ||
| So you can take care of it, you know? | ||
| I felt really free. | ||
| Bored as shit. | ||
| You know, I would do that shaving my head because I was just bored a weekend. | ||
| But like, really free of it all and just kind of like smiley and happy. | ||
| I just wasn't seeing the negativity. | ||
| It wasn't like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Coming in, but now I'm using it and I feel it coming back. | ||
| Why don't you just avoid reading comments? | ||
| I mean, it is possible. | ||
| It's tough in the bored moments of life where I'm sitting on the toilet or whatever. | ||
| Like the ideally bored moments. | ||
| Don't you just read things? | ||
| Can't you just read stuff? | ||
| That's right there and I have five minutes to fill. | ||
| You just start checking out social media? | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| See, I don't. | ||
| I look at Google Newsfeeds. | ||
| I just start reading articles. | ||
| Those too. | ||
| That's most of what I do with my phone. | ||
| Read articles. | ||
| Read articles and watch videos. | ||
| And the videos that I'm watching, they're almost always videos on science or space. | ||
| Well, there's that too, where I'm looking at ESPN.com or something like that. | ||
| But it just feels like wasted time. | ||
| Sometimes it's wasted time. | ||
| Sometimes it is. | ||
| Sometimes it's not. | ||
| When you're taking a shit. | ||
| But I've also decided to take shits without my phone sometimes and then I sit there and I'm thinking. | ||
| And you think. | ||
| So the sauna, you go to the sauna or the steam room and it's just like boom, boom, boom. | ||
| And then you realize like why am I not entering into that more where my brain is going boom, boom, boom. | ||
| That's why the tank is amazing. | ||
| You need to use the tank. | ||
| Use the sensory deprivation tank. | ||
| You can't bring anything in there. | ||
| You're fucking floating in water. | ||
| There's nothing in there, will you? | ||
| You're telling me I could... | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And you're just thinking. | ||
| And it just explodes. | ||
| So that's what I was getting a lot more of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I started getting bored. | ||
| I started looking at my act a lot more and writing everything out. | ||
| Like, how many personal bits do I have in here? | ||
| How many, like, historical bits? | ||
| And how many everything? | ||
| And really looking at it because you're bored. | ||
| You just pour yourself into it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Instead of this wasted hours... | ||
| Yeah, well I see people doing that and I'll go to people's feed and see them constantly arguing with people. | ||
| I don't engage in that anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't engage in any of it. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| I do zero arguing with people on Twitter. | ||
| Zero arguing with people on Instagram. | ||
| I post things and I get the fuck out of there. | ||
| What is this program that lets you like shut off after an hour? | ||
| I love that. | ||
| It's like a thing that you use for your kids. | ||
| But you could use it for yourself, too. | ||
| It's screen time. | ||
| And someone else will put it on. | ||
| It's built into your phone. | ||
| And so you can't snooze it out. | ||
| You're like, done. | ||
| No, it's done. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Because even when you're not using it by the hour, you're like, I don't want to, I might need it later. | ||
| But you can still get text messages and you can still make phone calls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Text and phone. | |
| I can try that. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| And you have access to your camera if you need to take a picture or something. | ||
| And quick things for social media if you've got to put stuff up and then get right out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But just don't read it. | ||
| It's so hard, though. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's just pull. | ||
| It's such a weird pull, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you want to read these. | ||
| Even these anti-comedy or pro-comedy stuff, it's like, it gets me riled up. | ||
| I want to get in there and read it. | ||
| And you realize it's almost nobody in real life talking about it. | ||
| So you're getting riled up over nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it is funny to read Vox articles. | ||
| Yeah, it is funny how ridiculously wrong they get stand-up. | ||
| And you're like, that's not even the way it works! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was listening to this video where they were criticizing a right-wing comedian. | ||
| They were talking about it. | ||
| Him saying, yeah, fucking gay. | ||
| Gay's funny, right? | ||
| Black people, black people. | ||
| That's fucking funny seeing black people. | ||
| No one says that. | ||
| No one says that. | ||
| Caricatures of conservative people and of other people that have different perspectives. | ||
| All you're doing is making people not like you and pushing people in the other way. | ||
| You're not... | ||
| And you're not really making a point. | ||
| You're just saying how ridiculous something is. | ||
| It's that old joke that I never liked when it's like all you do is say something in like a lame way and that's your proof of it being lame. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like meh. | ||
| It's like no that's not. | ||
| You didn't prove it. | ||
| You just did a different voice on that. | ||
| You're just weak. | ||
| You just have a weird tired way of expressing yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's fake. | ||
| So we're going to do another podcast any minute now. | ||
| I think they're here. | ||
| We're going to shut this one down? | ||
| We're going to shut this down, Ari Shafir, but we want to let everybody know. | ||
| Guys, I'm going to be in, because I have some dates? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to be in Chicago in November and San Jose. | ||
| I'm going to be in Nashville in October and all through Texas this week, San Antonio, whatever, doing Ari Shafir Jew. | ||
| And just tweet Ari. | ||
| He'll get back to you. | ||
| He reads all the comments. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| My podcast is Skeptic Tank. | ||
| I have a double special on Netflix. | ||
| Say that so people can understand. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| The podcast is The Skeptic Tank. | ||
| Ari Shafir's Skeptic Tank podcast. | ||
| He's the least listenable guy when it comes... | ||
| He's a professional orator that stumbles his words together faster than anybody. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Every week is a different topic we cover. | ||
| It's a great podcast. | ||
| You really have an excellent podcast. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I listen all the time. | ||
| There's a ton of great episodes, and I know the State of the Union one with Dave Smith is always excellent. | ||
| It just came out. | ||
| First video podcast. | ||
| We did it at Gas Digital. | ||
| We recorded it. | ||
| Ah, beautiful. | ||
| You should be putting videos on. | ||
| Yeah, I might do a studio I can just turn on. | ||
| Yeah, why not, man? | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| Give this producer later. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| Beautiful! | ||
| Alright, we're going to be back with the official Sober October podcast with other fucking losers who are going to tell us that we cheated already by smoking cigars. | ||
| Come see me in Chicago in November. | ||
| Tickets at AriShaffir.com. | ||
| Or AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tell us we're cheating. |
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