Oct. 1, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:42:34
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Skipped traffic in LA. There's no way he's not doing that again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're live. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, 10 minutes. | ||
| LAX to Burbank. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Helicopters? | ||
| I rented a helicopter last night. | ||
| 10 minutes. | ||
| How much does it cost? | ||
| A thousand dollars. | ||
| It costs you more than that. | ||
| It's a thousand dollars. | ||
| To go where? | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| A thousand dollars. | ||
| LAX. So to skip coming up. | ||
| Check out Blade. | ||
| Wait, why do you want to go? | ||
| I'm only home for less than 24 hours this trip, and I was panicking, and then I was like, what does it cost to get a helicopter? | ||
| My assistant Andrew, my cousin Andrew, was like, he's like, let's check. | ||
| And he's like, it's actually, it's not that expensive. | ||
| He's like, it's $1,000. | ||
| And I was like, I go, fuck it, let's shoot some videos, we'll get in the helicopter. | ||
| And so we just shot a video to promote dates. | ||
| What does it cost to just fly straight to Burbank? | ||
| You can't fly from LAX to Burbank. | ||
| No, I mean from wherever you work. | ||
| Yeah, but you've got to connect. | ||
| Explain to me what you're doing it for again. | ||
| Just to promote dates. | ||
| No, but it's also to skip. | ||
| You skipped the 405. Where were you going, though? | ||
| We landed at LAX last night at 5 o'clock. | ||
| And I was like, we're going to be in our traffic for two hours. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to get home and I won't see the girls. | ||
| They'll already be asleep. | ||
| And so I was like, fuck it, let's get a helicopter. | ||
| And then they grab you from the door of the plane, they drive you across the tarmac over to the helicopter, and you're home in ten fucking minutes. | ||
| That's pretty nice. | ||
| And it was at sunset, it was beautiful. | ||
| It's a big thing now, in New York too, there's actually like three or four. | ||
| No, you can even fly, you can go to JFK. From Newark to JFK. No, like I'm saying, you can go from Midtown, you can go from Downtown to these Blade stations and fly to JFK. I mean, seems cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you can wrap your head around it as marketing as opposed to a lifestyle. | ||
| In New York, it's way, way less expensive because those are pools. | ||
| So it's on a rotation. | ||
| Oh, they're just going. | ||
| So you're just buying a seat. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You're not doing it for yourself. | ||
| Have you done it? | ||
| No, but I did it to go to a gig in New York. | ||
| So I was in New York and it was to go to Jersey. | ||
| So I skipped all the rush hour traffic and just flew to Jersey. | ||
| That's where it's really fucking worth it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was pretty fun. | |
| But they said if you're going out of JFK, you can do it that way too. | ||
| Our earth is dying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I remember having private helicopters. | ||
| No, I was reading an article about that today. | ||
| Do you know, like people keep saying, you know, we need to stop eating meat to save the environment? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know that greenhouse gases, only 9% of all greenhouse gases, 9% are because of agriculture? | ||
| Less than half of that is because of meat? | ||
| What is it from? | ||
| Less than half of that is because of beef. | ||
| So you're literally dealing with like 3%. | ||
| What's all the greenhouse gas emissions from then? | ||
| Pollution. | ||
| Cars, trucks, vehicles. | ||
| Helicopters. | ||
| Big helicopter rides. | ||
| You go to Vietnam and they're burning their trash in their front yard. | ||
| Oh my god, it's crazy. | ||
| Everything we can do in this country, it is a piss on a fire compared to what is happening in the rest of the world. | ||
| Well, just the thing is that you can't save the world by not eating meat, just to let everybody know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The meat thing is that. | ||
| Coming from the guy who just shot a one-ton elk. | ||
| Well, that animal's a wild animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That has nothing to do with animal agriculture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's probably about 800 pounds. | ||
| It's coming at us. | ||
| No, he wasn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
800 pounds. | |
| That was so cool. | ||
| You had to carry that out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, we got lucky that we could get a Ranger to it, so we had to quarter it up, and then we put it in the back of one of those four-wheel drive things. | ||
| Dragged it? | ||
| We got it out of there. | ||
| This is recently? | ||
| This is a couple days ago. | ||
| Oh, where was this one? | ||
| Utah, the mountains. | ||
| In his front yard, right? | ||
| In his front yard. | ||
| I do it a couple times a year. | ||
| It's where I get all my meat. | ||
| You guys want some meat? | ||
| I definitely want some elk. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I'll give you some elk sausage before you leave here. | ||
| I've got a bunch here. | ||
| Just like 100 pounds. | ||
| Nothing crazy, you know? | ||
| Dude, I can give you 100 pounds. | ||
| I want 100 pounds. | ||
| You get 400 pounds of meat off your hotel. | ||
| Do you ever have too much meat where you bring it home and you're like, fuck, there's no room in the fridge? | ||
| No, but I have three commercial freezers here and I have two at home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You really do eat it, though, because you're always... | ||
| I eat the fuck out of it. | ||
| I eat it constantly. | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| It makes you healthy. | ||
| It looks so good. | ||
| I put an Instagram picture of my plate. | ||
| I made it like Joe makes his plates. | ||
| You know, like a nice steak, kimchi, some jalapenos, avocado. | ||
| I posted it, and fucking everyone's like, Rogan, Rogan, Rogan. | ||
| It's like you're known for what your plate looks like. | ||
| Do you eat healthy? | ||
| I am now. | ||
| Sometimes? | ||
| You are now? | ||
| I lost... | ||
| I'm down... | ||
| 21 pounds. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| What'd you do, just take a big shit? | ||
| I went to the cardiologist, and he was like, this is done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's like, hey man, you're getting a fatty liver. | ||
| I heard you talking with the black stripes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| About that. | ||
| White stripes. | ||
| No, not the white stripes. | ||
| Black keys. | ||
| Black keys. | ||
| Always with the black and the white. | ||
| You kidding? | ||
| He's the racist comic. | ||
| I should not keep that going. | ||
| It's done! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's done! | |
| It's over! | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| You're the furor of funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The furor of funny. | |
| Can't wait to give Ari his nickname. | ||
| Do you have a fatty liver? | ||
| Legitimately? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He said it's at the beginning. | ||
| Because he'd been testing my livers every nine months. | ||
| You've been having a heart attack for the last two months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait. | |
| That's no joke. | ||
| You lost how much? | ||
| 21 pounds. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| In the last... | ||
| How long? | ||
| In one month. | ||
| Are you down below the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I didn't drink. | ||
| It was a big thing. | ||
| I didn't drink. | ||
| And I go to Hot Spin every day. | ||
| And I was home. | ||
| Hot Spin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hot Spin. | |
| So it's like hot yoga, but you're spinning? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have the heat on. | ||
| It's like 100-something degrees. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I took a... | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Hot Spin? | ||
| Just called Hot Spin? | ||
| The Sweat Shop in Toluca Lake. | ||
| The Sweat Shop with two peas in an E? Yeah. | ||
| It's called to Appropriating Slave Labor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It is. | ||
| A sweatshop. | ||
| For some rich fucking suburban people to exercise. | ||
| Because sweatshop's a real thing. | ||
| It's part of some of its history. | ||
| And you would never understand. | ||
| So why don't you be quiet about the black people talk here. | ||
| Tell them, Ari. | ||
| So you've been going to that. | ||
| And wait, what did the doctor say? | ||
| Will you say what he said? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he said you got a fatty lip. | ||
| No, he goes, he did a sonogram of my organs every time. | ||
| He does like a sonogram of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He goes, your liver's looking fatty. | ||
| I said, is that from drinking? | ||
| He goes, no, it's because you're 258 pounds. | ||
| And he's like, it's the most common thing I see when I go and work as a doctor for clinics. | ||
| It's like, just donate his time. | ||
| He goes, everyone's got a fatty liver. | ||
| And that is the cause of the beginning of your decline for your health. | ||
| And I went, it freaked me out. | ||
| And I was like, alright, no booze, no sweets, no sugars, no pastas, no breads. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to fucking lose weight. | ||
| So you didn't drink at all for a month? | ||
| No, I had like a couple drinks. | ||
| A few bottles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For me. | |
| Ari and I decided we're going to set this up like when the Navy SEALs get to ring the bell to quit. | ||
| We're going to set this place up with ice and vodka. | ||
| We're going to just leave it all laying out on the table. | ||
| I could easily tap out first date. | ||
| Well, we were thinking that we kind of cheated by smoking cigars. | ||
| Well, it's already done. | ||
| We got high on these cigars. | ||
| I think if anyone's cheating, it's Ari's alcoholic kombucha. | ||
| Well, we were hoping that you guys were going to tell us that we already cheated. | ||
| And that's over. | ||
| Oh my god, it'd be lovely. | ||
| Hey, guess what? | ||
| You're right, you're losers. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Alright, let's enjoy our months. | ||
| I got a 12 o'clock flight tonight. | ||
| So, no sugar, no pasta, no booze, or very little booze? | ||
| Very little booze. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| What's very little? | ||
| Friday, Saturday. | ||
| Like, I could drink on Friday or Saturday. | ||
| But how much did you drink on Friday? | ||
| Not much. | ||
| All of it? | ||
| Because I get super... | ||
| I get, like, the first two Friday, Saturdays I didn't drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you... | |
| Post, you were getting an IV because... | ||
| Oh, by the way, wait till I tell you what happened. | ||
| That backfired on me a big fucking time. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why'd you need it, though? | ||
| Let's start with Ari slipping me molly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Let's start there. | ||
| You slipped him on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, what are you doing? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| How much? | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| How did you do it? | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| It was at his house. | ||
| It was at my house in front of my children. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| We had a shot before we started. | ||
| I had to empty out a capsule and fucking put it into a shot. | ||
| Are you out of your mind? | ||
| Are you out of your mind? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was great. | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was not. | ||
| You're making me go on this fucking stupid shit. | ||
| Joe, what kind of sociopath are we friends with? | ||
| He did it to punish me. | ||
| Because I have to be sober. | ||
| You don't give up, Molly. | ||
| You're only giving up alcohol. | ||
| I don't do molly because I just got back from the doctor and he said, hey, it's time to get healthy. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| You don't think it's fucking crazy that you would do that? | ||
| A bit. | ||
| You're not doing it to your fucking college roommate. | ||
| Did you even get the molly tested? | ||
| Where are you buying this molly? | ||
| I've done it for my favorite molly dealer. | ||
| And you just spiked his drink? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| High blood pressure, high cholesterol. | ||
| Guys, you're all talking about one ifs. | ||
| I would want to kill you. | ||
| I would fucking want to kill you. | ||
| He wanted to for about ten minutes until the molly kicked in and then he was fine. | ||
| How fun was it? | ||
| It's Molly. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| I had to fly that night. | ||
| I was on a fucking plane going like, when's this gonna fucking stop? | ||
| Because I didn't know that orange juice kicks it back up. | ||
| So I'm drinking... | ||
| Orange juice kicks it back up? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You drink a lot of orange juice generally? | ||
| On the fucking plane, I'm drinking, trying to get hydrated, because I'm on fucking Molly. | ||
| And so I'm drinking Tito's and orange juice. | ||
| Wait a minute, you're drinking Tito's while you're on Molly? | ||
| Hey, Joe. | ||
| Joe, party's at. | ||
| Party's in. | ||
| Okay, I didn't pick the Molly. | ||
| But you already knew you were on it. | ||
| Yeah, and I was having severe panic attacks. | ||
| Because I'm like, I don't do Molly. | ||
| And I'm thinking, that kid died from Molly in Mexico. | ||
| That comedy writer. | ||
| Oh yeah, I don't think it was that. | ||
| He died from Molly, and I'm sitting there going, I'm 46, I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, I'm on pain, I'm on meds. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| He noticed how great his wife looked, and he was like, she's awesome. | ||
| I've got a great wife. | ||
| Yeah, I was definitely on Molly. | ||
| He's looking out through the window. | ||
| Do you do this a lot? | ||
| Do you spike drinks? | ||
| I've never done it before. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the first time. | ||
| And what made you fucking want to... | ||
| Well, because I don't really want to do the sobriety things. | ||
| You mean for the month? | ||
| So you just forced him to do a drug? | ||
| Yeah, so he's doing it for me. | ||
| Yeah, a fun hard party drug. | ||
| Would you do that to Tom? | ||
| Or would you only do that to Bert? | ||
| He said he'd do it to you. | ||
| If this podcast was yesterday, then yeah, you would have all been dosed. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I said to him, you would not do this to Joe, and he goes, 100% I would. | ||
| Yeah, if this podcast was yesterday, I wouldn't have broken up sobriety. | ||
| Why would you do that when you just offer it to us? | ||
| Yeah, why the spike? | ||
| He wouldn't take it. | ||
| No way he'd take it. | ||
| You, I could offer it to. | ||
| You're a fucking grown-up. | ||
| This child, you're not a grown-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| How mad would you be if you got spiked? | ||
| I'd be very mad. | ||
| If you were at your house, it was your last... | ||
| I'd have something to do. | ||
| The problem is if you have something to do that's out the window. | ||
| You were good. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| We were planning on getting drunk at the podcast. | ||
| I was planning on having a couple drinks with you and then getting you out of my house, having dinner with my children, relaxing, getting on a plane, and going on tour. | ||
| Instead, that's scrap. | ||
| You had so much fun. | ||
| I don't believe your fake anger. | ||
| That's a real weird one, Ari. | ||
| There's no fake anger in this. | ||
| That's a weird one. | ||
| Here's what I did. | ||
| I like to be on your side with this, Ari. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| End of story. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He said he's not on your side. | ||
| That's not what I heard. | ||
| He said how much he likes being on my side. | ||
| Look, I would like to be on your side too, but I would be enraged if you did that to me. | ||
| He said, I'm going to call Tom, he's going to be really mad at you. | ||
| I'm like, Tom's going to die laughing instantly. | ||
| And he goes, no, he's going to be mad at you. | ||
| How many times have you done Molly? | ||
| Me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think I've ever, no, none. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You? | ||
| A couple. | ||
| When I was a kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did ecstasy. | ||
| Yeah, I guess, okay, so. | ||
| I've never done Molly. | ||
| I've never done Molly. | ||
| Molly's just pure ecstasy. | ||
| Yeah, I've never done Molly. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| It's better for you. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| Yeah, once. | ||
| Like you put the powder in your lip? | ||
| Just took pills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The problem was the next day. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I was so dumb. | ||
| The next day I remember being in a coffee shop trying to read a magazine. | ||
| I couldn't read. | ||
| I couldn't take in a paragraph. | ||
| I would try to read a paragraph and then it would start over again. | ||
| And I would try to read it again. | ||
| You're out of your mind. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| And I bombed that night. | ||
| I went on stage that night. | ||
| I had to go on tour. | ||
| I had to go on tour to, what, 2,800 people that night on the next night on Molly. | ||
| And I was like, I didn't do two shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were on Molly. | |
| You were on Molly for 28 hours later. | ||
| I was, like, coming off of drugs. | ||
| And I was like, I was like, mother, like, I was shaky. | ||
| I couldn't think straight. | ||
| I was like, fucking. | ||
| You can't think straight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once you do get off that stuff, the thing is, like, you're dumb. | ||
| Like, you're, you're, you're, you're, all your brain juice is all fucking squeezed out. | ||
| But you don't think, I mean, like, you definitely would see that spiking a girl's drink is not okay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If it's for sex, yeah, then it's not okay. | ||
| But it's just for goofs? | ||
| For goofs, yeah. | ||
| If you're friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| In the right circumstances? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Listen, Bill Cosby. | ||
| Listen, Bill Cosby. | ||
| You're a little bit... | ||
| Dr. Hugs will over here. | ||
| You're a little fucking... | ||
| You're only pulling sex into it. | ||
| If it's just for fun, good times. | ||
| What is the right circumstances where you'd be able to drug someone? | ||
| If a bunch of people are out, and then everyone's going to do acid, and then somebody's always kind of like expressed interest in acid, and then you don't know if they're going to do it or not, so you're just like, I know you. | ||
| You would like this. | ||
| You took some. | ||
| I think you know it's not okay to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you know. | |
| I'll tell you right now, I know you regretted it. | ||
| After you did it, the next day, I think you felt bad about it. | ||
| I felt... | ||
| No, I felt... | ||
| Yes, you did. | ||
| I thought it was great. | ||
| Because I noticed how you text, and Tom did too. | ||
| You were like, hey man, I had a great time the other day. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| I told you what to take, 5-HTP. Let's go get some. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Did it help? | ||
| No, nothing helped. | ||
| So wait, did all this lead to the IV? Is this what the IV is? | ||
| I led to the IV because I was shaking and I was like, man, I don't feel right. | ||
| And they're like, you were on Molly last night. | ||
| You didn't sleep on the plane. | ||
| I flew all through the night. | ||
| Didn't sleep. | ||
| I was just fucking like... | ||
| All through the night. | ||
| Did it fuck up your shows? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| You pulled it together. | ||
| I think people think I'm hammered on stage anyway. | ||
| But what happened was I couldn't... | ||
| The whole weekend I kept trying to just right the boat by going like... | ||
| And you can't do that with alcohol. | ||
| You just got to do that by getting off. | ||
| But it's my last weekend of Sober October and that's why right now I'm just like, ugh, fuck. | ||
| Damn, Ari. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I don't believe him. | ||
| I'm not sorry. | ||
| I'm so glad I did it. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| What if I had died? | ||
| Then I'd be more sorry. | ||
| Whose podcast was it? | ||
| Yours? | ||
| Mine. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I'm on Molly, yeah. | ||
| I'll tell you, I will never, I love this man. | ||
| Joey Diaz, I called you, then I called you, then I called, I'm panicking. | ||
| I'm in a panic. | ||
| You called me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't get a call. | ||
| I was on stage, right? | ||
| And then I called you back after. | ||
| Tom called me back, and then Joey Diaz, I said, Ari just slipped me molly, and all he said is, I'll be there in ten, dog. | ||
| I'll be there in ten minutes. | ||
| He came to your house? | ||
| Came to the house, sat with me, he's like, you're gonna be fine. | ||
| Told the stories. | ||
| You're gonna be fine. | ||
| He just told stories. | ||
| The sun was going over his shoulder, and it was just setting. | ||
| It was so beautiful. | ||
| He was like a fucking, it was like he was like a god. | ||
| You definitely shouldn't do that, Ari. | ||
| Okay, but talk about the good parts, though. | ||
| So it was beautiful? | ||
| You're like a guy that raped her going, yeah, but you like dick, right? | ||
| So the dick was in you, you like dicks in you. | ||
| So talk about how great it was with the sun setting behind Joey Diaz as he's telling these stories of starting comedy. | ||
| I mean, you know what he's doing, right? | ||
| He's like, see, it was a good night. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| I can't co-sign this because I don't want kids hearing this going, oh, Ari did it. | ||
| Savage Ari Shaffir. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm going to spike my friend's drink. | ||
| Kids don't do it. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| I can't co-sign it. | ||
| I can't even release the fucking podcast because I don't want anyone going like... | ||
| Because I am in a good mood. | ||
| I'm on Molly. | ||
| I'm high as shit. | ||
| You don't want anyone getting active representation of what Molly does to you. | ||
| I don't want kids... | ||
| It's different if I take it myself. | ||
| You don't want kids to take me over a train either. | ||
| The whole podcast is about you drugging me. | ||
| It's not about me taking Molly. | ||
| I think you've expressed that you were against it on the podcast. | ||
| The views of this podcast do not represent... | ||
| Do you know how hard it is to be your friend? | ||
| Do you have any fucking idea? | ||
| It was so great to see you. | ||
| All smiles. | ||
| You were in such a good mood. | ||
| You never dosed anybody before, but you chose that one moment to dose Bert. | ||
| Yeah, I realized how great it would be. | ||
| I had to take that from LA. If you went to Tom's house to do a podcast and you had the Molly on you, you think you would have dosed him? | ||
| Okay, here's why it's different. | ||
| Tom alone hasn't really, I feel like he's not the reason I have to do this month of sobriety, where I do blame you a lot more. | ||
| Then let's not do it. | ||
| I'm down with that. | ||
| I don't want to be scared to be around you. | ||
| I won't toast you again. | ||
| That's a one-time only thing. | ||
| Just get the ice. | ||
| That's a one-time only thing. | ||
| You've got to not do that again, dude. | ||
| No, that's a one-time only thing. | ||
| I'm concerned about leasing the podcast because I'm wondering if someone's going to go, that's illegal. | ||
| Let's fucking call the police. | ||
| Well, this podcast wouldn't exist. | ||
| Without some illegalities. | ||
| This podcast, the entire time we were doing it, we were smoking weed from the beginning of the podcast, ten years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weed's only been legal since two years ago. | ||
| Tom, you laughed like crazy when you heard about it. | ||
| Well, I'm on the phone in a green room, and he's like, I already spiked my drink. | ||
| I didn't know really what was going on. | ||
| I didn't know he was even serious. | ||
| I'm on the phone. | ||
| He's got a hydro flask with his name on it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Like a little kid. | ||
| A little kid with a notebook. | ||
| Turn it to somebody to see. | ||
| So like a little kid with a notebook. | ||
| It says, Bert Kreischer, 7th grade. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| He said, I couldn't be around my kids. | ||
| I had to say goodbye to my kids that night. | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| I go into my daughter's room and she's got these lasers that make stars on her ceiling. | ||
| And you're dancing. | ||
| And I'm blowing up. | ||
| I'm just like... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's like, I'll turn it up. | ||
| I go... | ||
| Turn this up, daughter! | ||
| She gave me a hug, and I was like fucking beaming. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| I smelled her hair, and I was like, God, I fucking love you. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| And in my head, I'm like... | ||
| Joey said something to me that goes, You would have already had your stroke. | ||
| It would have already happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, man. | |
| Like Joey's a doctor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but in those moments, it helps. | |
| It's just panic attacks. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So I give Island Georgia hugs and kisses goodbye. | ||
| Give Leanne the longest kiss goodbye. | ||
| By the way, my flight's not leaving until midnight. | ||
| It's like 7 o'clock. | ||
| I can't be around them. | ||
| I'm like talking fucking quick. | ||
| I have big ideas. | ||
| So then I go to the store. | ||
| Wait, how good was the shower? | ||
| The shower was pretty amazing. | ||
| I can't deny Molly's not fucking amazing. | ||
| It's the surprise element. | ||
| The comedown's not worth it, in my opinion. | ||
| The comedown's not worth it at all. | ||
| But then we went to the store. | ||
| You just hung out? | ||
| I needed to be somewhere, and I couldn't just wait at the airport. | ||
| It was like 9.30. | ||
| Yeah, the store. | ||
| So I sat at the store for like an hour, drinking. | ||
| Comedy store? | ||
| Yeah, the comedy store. | ||
| So you went on Molly to the comedy store? | ||
| Yeah, I just went there to hang out in the back room. | ||
| He came in all angry, like, and then David Spade was there, and he loves celebrities. | ||
| So I was like, what happened? | ||
| He's like, alright, it's a fun story, let me tell you. | ||
| It was killing in the green room. | ||
| It was killing. | ||
| By the way, I took it on stage and it destroyed on stage. | ||
| So you were high on Molly on stage? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I told her about getting... | ||
| Oh, so you told the next day when you were doing your shows. | ||
| So it's a bit now. | ||
| You guys are going to see... | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| What am I going to do with it? | ||
| Just be a victim? | ||
| Lay in my tour bus? | ||
| Talk to my therapist? | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You should do that if you get raped. | ||
| What if that's the new machine? | ||
| It won't be. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| Why so negative? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Maybe that's your new thing. | ||
| Instead of taking your shirt off, people just spike your drink. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Why would you say that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do not do that. | |
| Why would you say that? | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do not do that. | |
| He's the one who spiked your drink and he's like, don't say that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| No, you can't accept drinks from anyone. | ||
| It's a one-time only thing. | ||
| Not with our fuckhead fans. | ||
| It happens and I'm done. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Everybody that's done. | ||
| I find our fans to be lovely. | ||
| That is a one-time thing. | ||
| Listen, I'm sorry I had a great time with you, but I'm sorry you had to come to me doing it behind your back. | ||
| Cut that fucking thing off your wrist. | ||
| But I'm glad we did it. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| At some point, he was starting to get angry, and then he goes, Oh, your eyes are great. | ||
| Let me see those eyes. | ||
| Beautiful eyes. | ||
| Wouldn't the world be a better place if everybody was on just a smidge? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a smidge of Molly all the time. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| A lot more empathetic world. | ||
| I didn't even give him a full dose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, cool. | |
| Thanks, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're welcome. | |
| Like a half a dose? | ||
| The best is he goes... | ||
| We were in the store and I'm talking to Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| And I go, he would never have done it to anyone else. | ||
| He only would have done it to me. | ||
| And he goes, that's not true. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| I said, would you do this to Rogan? | ||
| He goes, 100%. | ||
| It was all of us together. | ||
| It was all of us together, yes. | ||
| No, you and Joe at his house, you wouldn't spike his drink and then go, hey man. | ||
| If he forced me into a thing where I had to give up things I love for a month... | ||
| Then yeah, he would have got it. | ||
| So Ari has been mad at you, and I'm probably the only one here besides him that listens to his podcast. | ||
| You don't listen to his podcast, I do. | ||
| Ari gets fucking furious at you, Bert, for this. | ||
| Oh, then fucking let's stop. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| You got me, bro. | ||
| So bombed October. | ||
| What are we doing with our lives? | ||
| You really get mad at him for that? | ||
| So mad. | ||
| So mad. | ||
| He got so mad. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It didn't even do anything. | ||
| He drank just as much after October as before. | ||
| It never curbed anything. | ||
| What are we still doing this for? | ||
| He's got a point. | ||
| That the whole reason why we did it in the first place was to try to sober you up. | ||
| We didn't think he'd be able to do it. | ||
| He had no problem at all. | ||
| So are we announcing that on the 1st of October we're done with this shit? | ||
| Listen, no one has a problem here except Burt. | ||
| I like a glass of wine... | ||
| With dinner, maybe two. | ||
| Isn't it great? | ||
| I like a shot of whiskey before I go on stage. | ||
| That's nice too. | ||
| Maybe occasionally I like a beer while I'm on stage. | ||
| Watching the Yankees? | ||
| I'm not a drinker in the sense of I don't get drunk a lot. | ||
| If I get drunk once a month, it's a crazy month. | ||
| Like drunk. | ||
| And it's usually somewhere where I'm like with you guys or something. | ||
| Maybe a podcast. | ||
| We just start doing drinks. | ||
| I've always wondered that. | ||
| Do you just get like a buzz? | ||
| Like a little buzz and then you're fine? | ||
| Then I stop. | ||
| Dude, I work out too much. | ||
| I'm too healthy. | ||
| I'm getting up in the morning. | ||
| Most mornings I'm either doing yoga or I'm running or I'm lifting weights and doing cardio. | ||
| I can't take the beating. | ||
| And at 52, it's not fun. | ||
| The beating on your body. | ||
| Of alcohol? | ||
| Yeah, the beating of, you know, as you get older, it's harder to recover from things, harder to recover from workouts, harder to get back into shape. | ||
| But if you stay in shape, so that's the whole thing is like staying in shape. | ||
| If you stay in shape and take care of your body, you can get a lot more life out of your body than most people think. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's inevitable. | ||
| That your body's going to fall apart. | ||
| Whether my body falls apart at 60 or 70, whatever the fuck the year is going to be, it's going to happen. | ||
| But right now, it works great. | ||
| So my thought is, right now, I'm not going to fuck it up. | ||
| I do a little bit of booze. | ||
| I like a little bit. | ||
| But I can recover from a little bit, no problem. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And there's a lot of studies that show that a little bit of wine, in particular, a glass of wine or two, there's some benefits to it. | ||
| There's actually some health benefits. | ||
| But also, us pushing this month has become more about the camaraderie and the challenge aspect, and not really about needing sobriety. | ||
| Well, he needs it, though. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| He had no problem at all quitting. | ||
| I have no problem quitting. | ||
| This was easier than ours. | ||
| You're correct. | ||
| He actually had less of a problem than he does because he's spiking people's drink to get back at them because they won't let him drink. | ||
| Well, he's just angry at you because he likes to drink in October and he actually doesn't have a problem. | ||
| And I like to do drugs. | ||
| You don't even do drugs. | ||
| For you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do drugs, I do molly. | |
| The criticism is right here in this box. | ||
| I got mushrooms. | ||
| I got acid. | ||
| We can get partying. | ||
| We can get partying, you guys. | ||
| We can get crazy. | ||
| How about we do Sober October except for acid? | ||
| So you can nibble on acid the whole month. | ||
| Except for mushrooms, we can microdose the whole month. | ||
| For me, I would just be like, hey, can we just do edibles all month, but just stay away from everything else? | ||
| Yeah, I love edibles. | ||
| One drug only. | ||
| You know what I like? | ||
| I like a couple of pumps of the old THC spray. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Just two pumps. | ||
| Everything's, the sky's brighter. | ||
| I love a post-show, like, low milk dosage. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| And then walk around afterwards on, like, a mild buzz. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| You don't like to get high before you go on stage, huh? | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| How many times did I make you? | ||
| Too many. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he would be like, I'd be like, that was the worst experience of my life. | |
| He was like, you did great! | ||
| You did do great, though. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| You were scared as fuck, but you killed. | ||
| The only thing that I've learned actually from other comics doing it all the time and saying, like I brought Jeff Tay with me and he gets high as fuck, is that he, after a while, that panic thing just dissipates and then he's in the pocket, right? | ||
| Like in the zone high up there. | ||
| I can see that being fun, too. | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| I prefer after show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what's dangerous for me? | ||
| The first weekend after Sober October. | ||
| Because my body is clean. | ||
| Yeah, super clean. | ||
| And the fucking weed hits you so hard. | ||
| You're on stage going, okay, what am I even talking about? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's going to wreck you again, November 1st. | ||
| I'm going to be in Europe for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Where are you going to be, in Denmark? | ||
| I'll be in London that day, and the next day I go to Dublin. | ||
| Oh, Dublin, they're going to get you fucked up. | ||
| Oh, you're going to get bombed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, come on! | |
| Come on, Mr. Segura. | ||
| It's a fun way to get off. | ||
| We're doing it, though, right? | ||
| There's vodka on that table right there. | ||
| There's whiskey. | ||
| I'm not going to be one to ring the bell. | ||
| No, he's not going to do it. | ||
| Not everybody can be a SEAL. Yeah. | ||
| Ring the bell, Ari. | ||
| Just tap out. | ||
| Ari wants to ring the bell. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| So wait, why do you want to continue this? | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| He likes to struggle. | ||
| The same reason why he went back to his phone. | ||
| He wants to see if he can handle the cell phone. | ||
| You know you can handle the month, right? | ||
| You can handle the cell phone, too. | ||
| Of sobriety. | ||
| I can handle it, but I won't enjoy it as much. | ||
| Going to Yankees games, and part of me kept thinking, like, oh, I won't drink, but maybe I'll just do an edible or something. | ||
| It's not the worst. | ||
| And then I'm like, oh, I can't even do that. | ||
| Hold your breath until you almost black out, and then catch your breath again, and then keep doing that through the whole game. | ||
| It'll make it interesting. | ||
| That'll make it real interesting. | ||
| Or just green light people, Molly and you. | ||
| And then it's like you didn't do it. | ||
| You don't want that shit, man. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Green light people giving you acid. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| You've absolutely... | ||
| Not that I'm a big drinker. | ||
| You have ruined me accepting a drink from anyone forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, forever. | |
| And people were coming up with drinks to me. | ||
| That's not great. | ||
| I would get scared leaving my drink around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like a girl. | ||
| Like a lot of girls. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of girls, man, when they go to bars, they get scared taking a drink from a man, and they should. | ||
| Yeah, they should. | ||
| How many people do you know that have been drugged? | ||
| I know a couple. | ||
| Besides birth. | ||
| I know a couple. | ||
| I know a bunch of girls. | ||
| I know at least three or four girls that have said, something happened, I gotta get out of here, and they tell their friends, and then creepy guys like predators are moving close, like, hey, she's fine, she's fine. | ||
| There's the guy right there. | ||
| He was like, I knew the whiskey tasted weird. | ||
| Yeah, what did you do, a shot? | ||
| Was it in a shot? | ||
| It was in a shot, yeah. | ||
| And you tasted it, and you're like, that's fine. | ||
| I did taste it. | ||
| You know what's so funny? | ||
| I walked in, and Ari was, he looked like Dr. Jekyll. | ||
| Like he was doing something. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| And he was like, I'm making a shot. | ||
| And I went, okay. | ||
| Just my back teeth. | ||
| He was like, two shots of scotch. | ||
| I have me getting mollied on my phone. | ||
| He put it on Instagram. | ||
| Him mollying me. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I keep forgetting about it. | ||
| I know, you're a fucking psycho. | ||
| And then I try to put myself in the mind frame of how upset I would be. | ||
| Well, what would you have done if Bert had a stroke? | ||
| Okay, good question. | ||
| You've got to bury the footage. | ||
| You can't have that footage out. | ||
| First thing. | ||
| So yeah, you've got to get in his phone, you've got to get whatever's been recorded. | ||
| But how do you know what his password is? | ||
| You've got to figure it out. | ||
| You've got to stick it up to his face. | ||
| Get that face ID. Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll pull the eyes open. | |
| Except half of it's going to be limp. | ||
| Wipe the foam coming out of his mouth. | ||
| His face is twitching and you're going to wipe the foam away. | ||
| Or he's trying to keep his face off. | ||
| Wake it up, man. | ||
| Yeah, wake it up. | ||
| I need your... | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| Okay, delete, delete. | ||
| Yeah, get everything out of there. | ||
| Now, you'd feel terrible, man. | ||
| I'd feel terrible, yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I don't know why we're talking about that, though, because that never happened. | ||
| So let's stick in the now, which was you had a new appreciation of your family, your friends, your backyard. | ||
| But you do realize that last year was kind of like the idea of being sober, part of it was for you. | ||
| Last year or a year? | ||
| Two years ago. | ||
| Two years ago. | ||
| Well, two years ago was the weight loss thing. | ||
| No, that's when we started it. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Two years ago was yoga. | ||
| Two years ago was a legit... | ||
| Two years ago was yoga. | ||
| Last year was fitness challenge. | ||
| The origin of this was like, Bert, can you not drink food? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But that was for you, though, right? | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| And by the way, I didn't think I'd be able to do it. | ||
| And I will say that at the time... | ||
| I was drinking so fucking much, and I was unaware of how much I was drinking. | ||
| And when you guys said that in here, it kind of woke me up, and I was like, fuck, I really am drinking Tito's by myself at night. | ||
| I just like to go to bed. | ||
| And it was a great way to cut my drinking, because you guys made it camaraderie-esque, and so I didn't feel like all eyes were on me, and I did it. | ||
| And it did change the way I drink. | ||
| It 100% changes the way I drink. | ||
| That hoop strap, when it shows you how much you sleep, it's really sobering because you can't lie. | ||
| You look at it, you go, oh, four hours and 30 minutes. | ||
| You know what I like is it sent me a notification that you should try to get this. | ||
| It was late and I'm watching TV and it's like, go to bed. | ||
| Where's mine? | ||
| I've got to put it on. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
| Go grab it. | ||
| It's by the pool table. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, set it up. | |
| But yeah, and then last year was more about the competition. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Sobriety was like a side thought. | ||
| Last year got crazy. | ||
| It's too intense to keep doing it. | ||
| We decided to not do that this year. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| It's just the competition was absorbing too much time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| It was hard. | ||
| It was a lot. | ||
| It was really hard. | ||
| It was so hard. | ||
| You need drive to make you work out, huh? | ||
| Well, that's one way of doing it, but I don't think that was... | ||
| Hey, hey, be careful. | ||
| Don't just stab yourself in the leg. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Do it up here by the shirt. | ||
| Do it by your neck. | ||
| Hold on to your chin. | ||
| Hold on to your chin. | ||
| Take your wrists and make your wrists... | ||
| You can see Bert trying to be angry on the molly, but also going like, fuck, this is going to be a great podcast. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do with the podcast. | ||
| Put it by your eye. | ||
| Put it by your eye. | ||
| Have you gone back and listened to it? | ||
| It kind of made me upset. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I can see me panicking. | ||
| Like, I can see me going like... | ||
| All I said was... | ||
| Fuck, Ari, why would you do that? | ||
| Like, I'm on blood pressure medicine. | ||
| Like, we know a guy who had a stroke because he took Viagra. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it counteracted with this thing, and now he can't use his left arm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so I'm just sitting there going... | ||
| One of my biggest fears when that doctor told me I needed to lose weight was, what if I just have a stroke and then I just can't work out and be active? | ||
| Like, what if that's taken away from me? | ||
| I can't throw the ball with the girls. | ||
| I can't go bike riding because the left side of my body doesn't work. | ||
| And I am, despite what anyone thinks, I am active and I like working out. | ||
| I like being outside. | ||
| I like running. | ||
| And that's what scared the shit out of me and that's why I started losing weight. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you, thank God I lost that weight. | ||
| And when he did that, because if he had done that when I was 258, that could have been... | ||
| You'd be done. | ||
| And I had gone to hot spin for a whole month and been really healthy for a whole month. | ||
| I was like, I literally, in the podcast, I go, okay, my EKG was fine. | ||
| I took baby aspirin today. | ||
| That's going to help. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| And I was going through the checklist to try to calm myself down. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But, thank God I lost that weight because I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't lost that weight and he mollied me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want me to show you how to do that, Ari? | ||
| It's going to take you a second to figure out. | ||
| Yeah, it's a clip. | ||
| The other side of it. | ||
| Give it to Tom. | ||
| Yeah, Tom will get it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's not cool, Ari. | ||
| Don't do that again. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Alright, now we know. | ||
| But he was angry that you lost all this weight for the weight loss challenge, and then you got really healthy during Sober October, but then you got bigger than ever, and that shit. | ||
| What's the matter? | ||
| I said pop it open. | ||
| I couldn't pop it open. | ||
| I had a hard time popping it open, too. | ||
| I broke it when I popped it. | ||
| We'll do this after the podcast, Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Faggots. | ||
| Here. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Sorry if anybody identifies with that word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Close it like that. | ||
| So put your wrist through it. | ||
| Put it on your left wrist or right wrist over the top like a watch. | ||
| And then clamp it down. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Now push that thing over the top. | ||
| Lock it in place. | ||
| Snap it. | ||
| Snap it down. | ||
| You had it the right way. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| This is a riveting podcast. | ||
| This is so bad. | ||
| Why aren't you guys still talking? | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| That's going to show you a lot. | ||
| I started wearing mine quite a long time ago. | ||
| I started wearing mine a couple of months ago. | ||
| So you guys all went out of Sober October. | ||
| Is that what I'm hearing? | ||
| For sure, it would be lovely. | ||
| You want out? | ||
| That's what you sound like. | ||
| That you're... | ||
| Look, I'm trying to get you guys to quit. | ||
| Sounds like you're about to ring the bell. | ||
| I could be sober for years. | ||
| I was thinking about going sober forever after October, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| So you're thinking about that? | ||
| Well, up until the special, definitely. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When do you take your special? | ||
| November. | ||
| November 23rd. | ||
| Keep your shirt on forever, too. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Yeah, what about keep your shirt on, Charlie? | ||
| What if you get jacked? | ||
| What if you get in really good shape in your ribs? | ||
| Ooh, throw me in the briar patch. | ||
| What if you did? | ||
| So? | ||
| But if you're going to take your shirt off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it won't look good. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| But if you take your shirt off on stage and you have a six-pack, people are going to get angry with you. | ||
| They're not going to think it's funny. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The reason why it's funny is because you're overweight and you're a party guy. | ||
| You take your shirt off and everybody's laughing. | ||
| No, I don't think... | ||
| I think I take my shirt off and I don't think people look at my body throughout the rest of my set. | ||
| I'm not making jokes like, look at these titties. | ||
| You know, I'm just up there doing stand-up. | ||
| Right, but they're looking at you. | ||
| Yeah, they're looking at me. | ||
| Yeah, I'm on stage. | ||
| That's part of the thing, is you take your shirt off. | ||
| Yeah, I like taking my shirt off. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| But if you got skinny, would you still take your shirt off? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, I like taking my shirt off. | ||
| Even if you had a six-pack. | ||
| No, if you had a six-pack, you couldn't do it. | ||
| Dude, I'll do whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| I don't know what he's talking about. | ||
| He's angry at you, and he's taking out on us. | ||
| Give me that thing again. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| He's angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no way. | |
| If you had a six-pack, you can't take your shirt off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you can. | |
| If you have a great body. | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| But first of all, is that really a thing we're worried about? | ||
| I can't believe we're really talking about this. | ||
| Like, Bert's getting to six-pack level? | ||
| Yeah, guys, it's not going to happen. | ||
| Why can't he do it? | ||
| Are you going to get a six-pack? | ||
| No. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because I've never had a six-pack in my entire life, even when I was in high school, so that's not a concern of mine of getting a six-pack. | ||
| Now's your big chance. | ||
| You're not going to do that. | ||
| But I think if you stick to this sobriety and working out, you're going to be sitting up on your own in no time, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, all right, should we – wait. | |
| So what are we going to do first? | ||
| You had a six-pack last year. | ||
| For a little bit. | ||
| You did. | ||
| When I was mid-thrust, I would get one. | ||
| Mid-thrust. | ||
| Okay, it's on right now. | ||
| That's how it's going. | ||
| So put your wrist through that. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I'll push that outside over the top and clamp it down. | ||
| So it doubles up over here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Like that. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Now you gotta download the app, bruh. | ||
| Oh yeah, you got a fucking phone. | ||
| You can actually do it. | ||
| Yeah, I got a phone. | ||
| I got a real phone. | ||
| Dude, it's wonderful having access to Uber. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, you can text people without getting a fucking hernia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, Bert's still upset at you. | ||
| I'm not upset. | ||
| It's red in the face. | ||
| No, he's lost a memory of how great a time it was. | ||
| He's thinking about having a six-pack and whether or not he can take his shirt off. | ||
| If you got super jacked and ripped and look good on stage... | ||
| I would recommend you wearing a clown suit. | ||
| Yeah, if you're super ripped, no one wants to... | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| Well, you know who does that? | ||
| Jamar does that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Jamar Neighbors. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He's jacked. | ||
| He's super jacked. | ||
| Earl did roast paddles shirtless. | ||
| Yeah, that was really funny. | ||
| And he had a suit and a gold chain on. | ||
| He was ripped. | ||
| Jamar also eats on stage. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| He'll just go up with chicken or something and just be eating as he's talking. | ||
| Chappelle got jacked and was wearing tank tops. | ||
| I don't think it stopped anything. | ||
| It's even better. | ||
| Tank tops are a different animal than shirtless, though. | ||
| No, but he got yoked. | ||
| The whole thing back in the day was, if you have muscles, you can't be a comedian. | ||
| That was what Joe Biscobo got muscles, and everyone's like, oh, he's no longer funny. | ||
| And now you look, and almost all the comedians work out. | ||
| Yeah, when I was starting out, I used to wear big, baggy shirts. | ||
| You still do? | ||
| Yeah, but really baggy. | ||
| Ridiculously baggy. | ||
| Now I just wear things that are loose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you're trying to make it not a distraction, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've worn tight things on stage before. | ||
| It's very distracting to me, even. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing is if it's in your own head. | ||
| Yeah, it's my own head. | ||
| Yeah, if it wasn't in my own head, it wouldn't matter. | ||
| I'm sure people don't care. | ||
| It's like, that's half of the thing is whether or not you're comfortable on stage. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| If you're uncomfortable, it doesn't matter what you look like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They could smell it. | ||
| But I think, like, ultimately, he's the most comfortable being, like, he's himself shirtless up there. | ||
| Shirtless? | ||
| Yeah, you don't even think about it, do you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| After it's off? | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| Yeah, I filmed him at the Comedy Store the last time we did a show together. | ||
| I couldn't get my phone out quick enough. | ||
| He had a shirt on before he even hit the mic. | ||
| Yeah, that's how he... | ||
| I like taking it off. | ||
| But you don't take it off in the OR. OR is different. | ||
| Short sets, you don't really do it. | ||
| Short sets, it's like... | ||
| 15 minutes in the main room, you took it off. | ||
| Yeah, main room's different. | ||
| I feel like the main room, they've come and paid a ticket to see a show. | ||
| The OR is like, people coming in and out, no one knows who the fuck you are. | ||
| But the main room, it's like, there's some guys coming from Canada to see... | ||
| There's like a presentation vibe in the main room, too. | ||
| Presentation vibe. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It is almost like a theatrical feel to be on a show. | ||
| It's also like swimming with weights. | ||
| When I have my shirt on, I'm very uncomfortable. | ||
| And so I can find out what material is working better, easier. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Do you remember the first time you did it? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| When was the first time? | ||
| It was in Columbus. | ||
| I ripped it off. | ||
| I used to rip it off. | ||
| I'd just get on stage, rip it off, and everyone would cheer, and then I'd just put it back on. | ||
| And one time in Columbus, I ripped it off, and I forgot about it. | ||
| We started talking about something, and then I was like, oh shit, I gotta put my shirt on. | ||
| And this woman goes, keep it off! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like... | |
| Dirty Ohio lady. | ||
| I did my whole hour. | ||
| It was probably like nine years ago. | ||
| I did my whole hour shirtless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long ago? | |
| It was probably nine years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That long ago? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It was before you were doing it all the time, though. | ||
| And then I started doing it on the road, and it was just, I don't know, it just made me really comfortable. | ||
| I sweat. | ||
| When I have a shirt, I'll sweat. | ||
| You can see sweat pits in it. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| And it doesn't happen when I take my shirt off, I don't sweat at all. | ||
| I see that with you a lot. | ||
| A lot of times when you're just standing still, you'll sweat a lot. | ||
| Sweats? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| From the exertion? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, just talking and stuff. | ||
| R, you took your shirt off on stage. | ||
| You liked it. | ||
| I do like it. | ||
| I like having it off when I'm walking around. | ||
| You like being shirtless. | ||
| In the sun, for sure. | ||
| It feels great. | ||
| And it hits your skin all the time. | ||
| Maybe we'll do a benefit where we'll raise something when everyone will do shirtless stand-up. | ||
| And I'll wear a suit and I'll roast. | ||
| Wait, so what are we settling on for this month? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Heroin. | |
| Heroin? | ||
| Is that what we're doing? | ||
| Heroin. | ||
| Everybody, first time. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| Well, what we decided over the phone is, one addition is we have to read 500 pages. | ||
| And by read 500 pages, I think we mean read. | ||
| We don't mean audiobook. | ||
| Read. | ||
| But I thought we were just doing these classes. | ||
| No. | ||
| We're doing the reading, too. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| We should. | ||
| The reading, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We need to read more. | ||
| So, ten classes of something. | ||
| It can be hot yoga. | ||
| It can be jujitsu. | ||
| It can be spin, hot spin. | ||
| Some classes. | ||
| Some hip-hop dance. | ||
| Hip-hop dance. | ||
| By the way, how great would have hip-hop dance been now that you saw the video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should have done that. | |
| That was a great video. | ||
| I knew what you were going to do. | ||
| You were going to take your clothes off. | ||
| That hip-hop dance video was great, though. | ||
| I also danced. | ||
| The dancing was okay. | ||
| It made me cry. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| I'm so shocked that people thought the dancing was good. | ||
| I was so angry. | ||
| I got so upset. | ||
| Why were you upset? | ||
| That people complimented him. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| America's Got Talent reached out to me. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Don't take anybody, bro. | ||
| Dago, do you consider yourself more of a comedian or a dancer? | ||
| I was like, do you not have a Google search engine on here? | ||
| They didn't want to bother with that. | ||
| They're monsters. | ||
| Would they reach out on Facebook? | ||
| They emailed me on my website. | ||
| They probably have a million hyenas out there rummaging the nation, trying to find people with any kind of talent so they can keep that monster alive. | ||
| Wait, the other thing is, didn't we agree that within these classes, they don't necessarily have to be... | ||
| A physical strain. | ||
| It's like a class of anything that's... | ||
| Some class. | ||
| That's new. | ||
| Better yourself. | ||
| Tom and I were talking about taking tactical gun lessons. | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| But I'm saying, that's not a workout, but it's still like a class. | ||
| Fun class. | ||
| You'll be better off with it than without it. | ||
| Sword fighting. | ||
| This year, it's more about bettering ourselves. | ||
| One of the things that I think we agreed to, and your wife actually reached out to me about, apparently her and Leanne are going to get together and do a podcast with wives. | ||
| They're doing a podcast called So Over October. | ||
| So Over October. | ||
| For the month. | ||
| Yeah, because last year was insane. | ||
| Look, I gave your wife good ammunition for the first episode. | ||
| And the wives fucking hated her. | ||
| Yours too, right? | ||
| Well, she didn't like seeing that part of me either. | ||
| She didn't like it. | ||
| Mine too. | ||
| She was like, your body looks better, but fucking so boring. | ||
| You can do shit. | ||
| Leanne was livid when she found out that I got... | ||
| Roofied because of Sober October. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was. | ||
| She was so. | ||
| She'll never speak to Ari again. | ||
| Justifiably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari. | ||
| You're the one. | ||
| She'll never speak to Ari again? | ||
| No. | ||
| Ari's never allowed in our house. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| And that's what was sucked is I had to take care of both of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like I had to take care of Ari and take care of Leanne. | ||
| I think she's great. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She doesn't like you, bro. | ||
| I think she's great. | ||
| She's been a great mom to his kids. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I like how you look at things. | ||
| Fucking wonderful. | ||
| You see the bright side of things, even when people hate you. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Always had your back. | ||
| I think she's great. | ||
| I think she's great. | ||
| And her temporary anger at me is not going to make me stop liking her so much. | ||
| Oh, wait, wait. | ||
| Before I forget. | ||
| So, within the ten classes, you can't do more than how many of one class? | ||
| Three, right? | ||
| Three, yeah. | ||
| So you can do one class three times. | ||
| So you could technically do three classes three times. | ||
| But why does that matter? | ||
| So you can mix it up a little bit. | ||
| So you don't just do one thing over and over again. | ||
| So you don't just do spin class every day and be done with it. | ||
| As long as you can do something. | ||
| I mean, but like if you're doing jujitsu, like say if you decide to do jujitsu and you learn it, there's nothing wrong with doing six of them. | ||
| Like that's how you get better. | ||
| Or because if you do decide to do it and you get into it, you're going to have to do more than one a week. | ||
| Too easy to do the same shit and not challenge yourself. | ||
| Says you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting how you're just making the rules up. | ||
| Well, it seems too easy to not challenge yourself. | ||
| What do you think about that? | ||
| Does that make sense to you? | ||
| Feels like it's against our will, kind of like he's slipping a drug to us, doesn't it? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit like he's... | |
| I think there should be one other element to it. | ||
| Because there's always been this physical element to the whole month, you should do something on your own that you don't talk about until it's over that you're doing to challenge yourself. | ||
| Like the Crucible on It Too. | ||
| Like, for instance... | ||
| Wait, I'm not following. | ||
| Like, for instance, you like to run the hills, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So let's just say you go, I run it once a week. | ||
| I run it every Sunday or something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So for the month, you challenge yourself on your own to do it twice a week. | ||
| And on November 1st, you're like, I took these classes, I read these books, and I ran my hills twice a week. | ||
| Or like, you know, you go, I want to do... | ||
| 100 push-ups a day. | ||
| However you want to do it. | ||
| That way there's some other physical element of wellness throughout the month. | ||
| Something you challenge yourself to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That I'm like, I think I can do this. | ||
| We're all coming back with a report card. | ||
| Basically, yeah. | ||
| Kind of like Lent, where you give up something that you decide. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So you essentially have four things to do if you can only do three. | ||
| No more than three of each one. | ||
| So there has to be four individual things you're doing. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Four things? | ||
| Four things total, right? | ||
| Because you could do yoga, you could do spin, you could do jujitsu, you could do kickboxing, you could do whatever. | ||
| Crossfit. | ||
| Yeah, Crossfit. | ||
| So you've got to do four separate things. | ||
| Tactical. | ||
| Tactical training. | ||
| I want to do that tactical gun training. | ||
| I have a gun and I haven't even put bullets in it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's step one. | ||
| Don't say that now. | ||
| Say I'm a fucking awesome shot. | ||
| Do not attack me. | ||
| My address is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I like this. | ||
| I like the idea of mixing it up. | ||
| And I also like the idea that we're not going to go crazy. | ||
| This is like something... | ||
| See, the thing about last year is like... | ||
| I killed all of us. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I had 1,100 points one day. | ||
| When you're doing 80% of your max heart rate for a minute, you get one point. | ||
| I had 1,100 points. | ||
| That was a nuts day. | ||
| You finish at 11,000. | ||
| It's that John Wick fucking bathhouse scene. | ||
| I watched that scene 50 times in a row and I just wanted to kill everybody. | ||
| I wouldn't stop. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| But I also felt like I was mentally and physically breaking down throughout the month. | ||
| Yeah, but I also was getting really into it. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| It actually, you would feel the soreness, you would feel drained, but you would feel the cloud in your mind clear, right? | ||
| You and I talked about the chatter. | ||
| Yeah, gone. | ||
| Internal chatter, gone. | ||
| Stress is like... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't have... | ||
| Nothing really bothered me. | ||
| Because you were working out. | ||
| Nothing bothered me. | ||
| Dude, working out like three hours some day back-to-back? | ||
| I remember saying to my wife, if you could get this in a pill, what this is, this feeling of not giving a fuck, like really not giving a fuck, because generally I don't give a fuck about things, but man. | ||
| When I'm doing cardio for five hours a day, you don't give a fuck. | ||
| You really don't give a fuck. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You don't get bothered by things. | ||
| By anything. | ||
| And the stresses of life just really start to be... | ||
| I didn't lose any weight, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't have any weight to lose. | ||
| I thought I was going to get... | ||
| I am obese. | ||
| I thought I was going to get at least some weight loss because of it. | ||
| I didn't lose a fucking pound. | ||
| I lost a lot. | ||
| But what's your body fat? | ||
| It's got to be like, what, 7%? | ||
| It's probably around 10. Somewhere around 10-ish. | ||
| That's just cutting water. | ||
| I was drinking all the water, but I was eating everything, too. | ||
| But I think I might have even gained a pound or two. | ||
| I thought I was not going to. | ||
| Like... | ||
| I was watching what I ate as the month started, and then when I saw how competitive it was going, and how crazy it started to be six and seven days of working out, it was anything in sight. | ||
| And I was never full. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I was eating boxes of cookies. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| In between workouts. | ||
| Oh yeah, just kept eating. | ||
| I ate a giant box of vanilla wafers. | ||
| Ate the whole box. | ||
| Just shoved them down my fat hole. | ||
| Drank soda, like regular soda, which I never drink. | ||
| I always drink Diet Coke. | ||
| My November was bad because I was eating like that but still working out and then I just kept eating like that. | ||
| And he stopped working out. | ||
| That's what happened to me. | ||
| Yeah, you got shredded for a while, dude. | ||
| Did you miss that body? | ||
| Yeah, I loved that body for a little bit. | ||
| Not worth the time. | ||
| You had the nice little V? You had the dick root show on? | ||
| They told me they're like, every time somebody blows out, because remember, they had the point thing at my gym. | ||
| They're like, every time everyone, like, the next month, there's such a dip. | ||
| And they're like, and then you broke that record. | ||
| For the highest total and then the biggest dip ever. | ||
| I was like, nah, fuck this. | ||
| I was so over it in November, dude. | ||
| How long did you guys keep using the MyZone thing? | ||
| I put it on once just to see what it was. | ||
| And it fucking brought back anxiety. | ||
| It makes you anxious. | ||
| I used it for a while, and then I would not use it, and then I would take it again. | ||
| And then recently, I lost it, and they were like, oh, you know, find it. | ||
| I go, I don't want to find it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I don't want to. | ||
| And then I did find it, and I was like, I'm not putting it on. | ||
| I found mine when I moved, and it was like, don't touch it. | ||
| You touch it. | ||
| Throw it away. | ||
| It's like the thing they found, the exorcist, when they brought it back home. | ||
| This is more of a report, though. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, it's different. | ||
| This has given you heart rate variability. | ||
| Analysis. | ||
| It's also telling you how much you've recovered, which I think is very important. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's telling you, like, if you do a hard workout and the next day you feel like shit, it's letting you know, hey, your body's not recovered. | ||
| Like, it's actually giving you accurate data. | ||
| Because you wear it all the time. | ||
| Wait, do you know how to read the thing? | ||
| I don't understand the thing. | ||
| You go to the website. | ||
| Go to the website to explain everything. | ||
| But it's pretty simple. | ||
| It's pretty straightforward. | ||
| Last night I slept five hours and 42 minutes. | ||
| The sleep part is big. | ||
| Only sleeping five out of an eight hour sleep? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, it really wakes you up, man. | ||
| I don't know what I did last night. | ||
| I slept so great last night. | ||
| I think I got like six hours last night. | ||
| But the thing about it is, like, it's undeniable. | ||
| This is not like guesswork. | ||
| So you're 6.8 hours sleep last night. | ||
| Does it tell you what you get when you have sex? | ||
| Is it like a spike? | ||
| Well, the way I fuck, bro, it thinks I'm working out. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Hey, what was your activity, Joe? | ||
| Did you work out today? | ||
| No, today I have not. | ||
| I'm working out after this. | ||
| Do you have a past activity day or a day strain? | ||
| Under the strain, coach. | ||
| Ooh, I'm 74% recovered. | ||
| Oh, well that's good. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, I got six hours and 39 minutes of sleep, which is pretty decent. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I never sleep like I struggle with sleep, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And last night, I got eight and a half hours. | ||
| Oh, dude, that's great. | ||
| Which is unbelievable. | ||
| Yeah, if you can do... | ||
| I had a guy, Dr. Matthew Walker, who really changed my opinion of sleep. | ||
| That was the sleep guy? | ||
| That was fascinating. | ||
| Oh, I love that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| What I love is it was fascinating from the jump. | ||
| He started right away with facts. | ||
| He's excellent. | ||
| And he's a really great speaker, too. | ||
| He's a professor here, isn't he? | ||
| In LA, too, right? | ||
| I don't think he's LA. Where's Dr. Matthew Walker, a professor at? | ||
| Originally from Australia, his wonderful hair. | ||
| In the first five minutes, the importance, the way he breaks down how important it is, it just hooks you. | ||
| It's basically the most important thing ever. | ||
| The most important thing. | ||
| And as far as people who regularly get four hours or less, how many of them get Alzheimer's? | ||
| It's over the fucking roof. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, oh my god, through the roof, whatever. | ||
| The charts, it's off the charts. | ||
| The numbers of people that get Alzheimer's that also have very low sleep. | ||
| There's a definite correlation. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| Bert, come on, bro. | ||
| We're going to get you healthy this month. | ||
| I'm going to sleep more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sleep more. | ||
| Well, that is one thing that that strap will let you know, because it'll hold you accountable. | ||
| When you look at the app and it says, hey, you slept for four hours last night, fuckface, you're going to go, oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yours really knows you. | ||
| Do you know how my brain talks to me, I guess? | ||
| Do you take sleep aids? | ||
| Because that's also bad. | ||
| I mess with all kinds of stuff. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Not all the time. | ||
| Just on a rotation. | ||
| Last night it was nothing. | ||
| I've done CBD oil. | ||
| I've done... | ||
| CBD and melatonin. | ||
| I like the melatonin. | ||
| That's all natural, right? | ||
| Yeah, melatonin is very natural. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| That helps. | ||
| Ambien? | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| I don't like Ambien. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I've done Xanax. | ||
| That's what did Roseanne Barr in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Ambien. | ||
| Ambien and weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Booze, weed, and ambient mixed together. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're saying. | ||
| You're sitting there, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a really wild... | ||
| I think it's a disassociative. | ||
| Is it... | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| You start spewing bird talks. | ||
| Xanax is... | ||
| Bird talk. | ||
| Guys, you have no idea how I have to deal with this. | ||
| My bus driver's black and some guy comes up and he goes, dude, I love your racism. | ||
| And my bus driver's like, what the fuck? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's your fans. | ||
| You gotta get better fans. | ||
| They're not my fans. | ||
| I've lost my fans. | ||
| I've lost a lot of fans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Are you serious? | ||
| From what? | ||
| Because I post anything with a black person in it on Instagram. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they start typing the N-word. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, fucking Tom's fans. | ||
| And then new people find me through Netflix, and then they're like, I don't want to even be a part of this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So it sucks. | ||
| And you think this is because of your mom's house? | ||
| It's because of... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's because of a bunch of different things. | ||
| But regardless, the joke that I'm the most racist comedian in the world, it's a joke. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Top ten. | ||
| By the way, there's nothing you can do about it. | ||
| You can't stop it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once the internet decides something, it happens. | ||
| But it just stinks. | ||
| I block them. | ||
| I block a lot of people. | ||
| Who say that stuff? | ||
| Yeah, because I'm like... | ||
| There was... | ||
| They make some memes that are really fucking disgusting. | ||
| It's like those 4chan type people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you just are like... | ||
| And people don't know. | ||
| I have fans that don't know about you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That just find me from Netflix and don't know about our friendship. | ||
| I have a hard time believing that. | ||
| No, for sure. | ||
| I went on Burt and I were in Madison at the same time. | ||
| And I was like, it'd be funny. | ||
| His show started before mine. | ||
| And I was like, I'll just go with a broom and sweep up and see who goes nuts. | ||
| And like 12 people were like, oh, hey. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| No one else is like, I guess they're sweeping. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When I was telling the Molly story on stage, I said to my buddy Ari Shafir, it's like 12 people going, oh, I love Ari! | ||
| Netflix is such a broad place. | ||
| You put out a special on Netflix, and you can't... | ||
| I can say Joe Rogan. | ||
| I have a joke you heard the other night. | ||
| It's about you. | ||
| And I say Joe Rogan, and everyone will lose their mind because you are fucking global. | ||
| But you get specifics like... | ||
| I mean, I think my fans know Tom. | ||
| I think we share a lot of fans. | ||
| But I think that's because of our podcast, too. | ||
| But yeah, it's like the people won't know Ari, which is bizarre to me. | ||
| Because I assumed everyone found me through this. | ||
| Oh, you're slipping. | ||
| You need a smartphone. | ||
| You need more active on social media. | ||
| You've got to live your life. | ||
| Are you still super anti-social media? | ||
| I'm trying it now this month. | ||
| I'm trying it for the month. | ||
| You're going to post? | ||
| You're going to actually post? | ||
| Yeah, just a lot of the thinking of like, oh, just you're in a moment with people and you're thinking like, what can I do? | ||
| How can I post stuff? | ||
| You know one of the good things about Twitter? | ||
| What? | ||
| You can post pictures of your hog. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| Twitter's got porn on it. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is kind of crazy. | ||
| It is kind of crazy. | ||
| Especially because they end up being like, this person wrote something not nice. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you can show your hog and your asshole. | |
| There's videos, I'll be scrolling through my feed and I see a video of someone taking it in the ass. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'm like, alrighty. | ||
| But if you dead name someone, it's over! | ||
| They ban you for life. | ||
| If you call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce, you're done. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Did you see the rose? | ||
| How many times she congratulated herself for being brave? | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| She congratulated herself? | ||
| Twice in jokes. | ||
| Like in jokes. | ||
| I think it goes to show you, trans people out there, that if I can do this, you can do anything. | ||
| Do what? | ||
| Like come out of the closet in Wyoming and not get... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you can't. | |
| Get loved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| And get a massive amount of praise. | ||
| Everybody forgets what a dummy she was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's a dumb dude. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dumb dude becomes a celebrated woman. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's a great hook. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's... | ||
| It's a good hook. | ||
| Like, when they interview her, that's when you realize, like, oh, wait a minute. | ||
| Like, you're not very... | ||
| You're a moron. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is not... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're just famous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's it. | ||
| But the things that they say... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why it's such a thing. | |
| There's no depth to any of it. | ||
| And then everybody conveniently forgot that she just plowed into some lady and forced her into traffic and killed her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wasn't paying attention behind the wheel. | ||
| What happened with that? | ||
| This girl swept away. | ||
| I don't know how that got swept away. | ||
| I don't know how it got swept away with the whole being brave because she's trans. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You can tweet something a little racist like Roseanne Barr and they ruin your career, but you can kill someone. | ||
| Everyone's like, whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's having a bad day, man. | ||
| She was also a Trump supporter. | ||
| That's where it's compounded. | ||
| And the racist... | ||
| By the way, what she tweeted was not racist. | ||
| That lady looks like the lady from the Planet of the Apes. | ||
| And she did not know that that lady was African-American. | ||
| But she's a very small percentage African. | ||
| She looks very white. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She looks Jewish. | |
| She looks like an old Jewish lady. | ||
| Which is exactly what Roseanne said. | ||
| Well, have you ever seen the images of her side by side? | ||
| Dude, it's like saying you don't look like a gay bear. | ||
| You know you look like a gay bear. | ||
| There's so many guys who are gay who are bears with like nipple straps and fucking, they look just like you. | ||
| You put them right next to you. | ||
| That's not a bad thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You look like a hot sexy gay bear. | ||
| Power bear. | ||
| Power bear. | ||
| A muscle bear. | ||
| I'm a muscle bear. | ||
| You're a top bear. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I guess if you're a bear, you have to be a real brave bear to take it in the butt, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because that's not your thing. | ||
| Do you get hit on? | ||
| Do you get feet up in the air? | ||
| If you're a bear with your feet up in the air and your asshole spread out and just pulling it apart, that's a brave bear. | ||
| That's One of my favorite type of message to get is to make you feel like what a woman must feel like all the time is a message where a guy's like, saw your special, hilarious, love what you're doing, love yourself, can't wait to see you on tour, and you're pretty cute. | ||
| And you're like, okay, all right. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| I just get a small taste of it. | ||
| Yeah, that's like, you know. | ||
| Has Whitney ever shown you her fucking DMs? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| It's all dicks. | ||
| All dicks? | ||
| Dicks and guys who want to jerk off on her feet. | ||
| They want her to jerk them off with her feet. | ||
| There's something about real creeps all around her feet. | ||
| I did love feet. | ||
| I'm into feet pretty hardcore. | ||
| Me too, man. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| A couple of creeps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been sending wedding messages for years. | |
| Did you see that lady? | ||
| She's a fitness influencer and she just got arrested. | ||
| She's going to do five years in jail. | ||
| She had 269 different or 369 different Instagram accounts that she was using to harass people and threaten them and say she's going to cut them up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| This one crazy bitch. | ||
| Who is she? | ||
| Some crazy bitch from... | ||
| Like a popular... | ||
| Yes, of course she's from Florida. | ||
| It's our town. | ||
| So she also staged a fake kidnapping of her 12-year-old daughter. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, she's a real piece of shit. | ||
| Does she have a big following? | ||
| How many tickets do you think that would sell? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I got a 12-year-old. | ||
| I don't know what kind of a following she has, but 369 fake accounts just to fuck with people. | ||
| And that's the fucking vibe online. | ||
| That's my favorite, by the way. | ||
| It's not harassment, but there's been some celebrities that have been caught creating accounts to defend themselves in conversations. | ||
| I knew a celebrity. | ||
| It's happened in sports, too, you know? | ||
| I knew a celebrity that did that. | ||
| I think, like, Durant did that and was like, he called out. | ||
| He got caught. | ||
| He's like, from his own account. | ||
| Hey, guys, is Durant doing really good lately? | ||
| He's tweeting it. | ||
| What do you know, Bert? | ||
| What do you know, Bert? | ||
| I had a friend who was a celebrity and was very vocal on Twitter, going at people, but they had a couple burner accounts where they'd light people up and Fucking get into it with other people in there. | ||
| When I heard of that, I went, that is such sociopathic behavior. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sick. | |
| I would never have thought of doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I was just like, what? | ||
| It was so beyond me that that would happen. | ||
| Well, it is a sickness, right? | ||
| Because you're trying to pretend there's other people that are supporting you. | ||
| That's a sickness. | ||
| It's so fucking lame. | ||
| So sick. | ||
| Just give us a name that their name rhymes with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Can you describe them? | ||
| Is it Ray Moore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You have no names for me? | ||
| I have no names. | ||
| I have no names. | ||
| After the podcast. | ||
| After the podcast, I'll definitely tell you. | ||
| If this was nine years ago, we would have said it on the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it Barry? | |
| Is it Barry Dienfeld? | ||
| Barry Dienfeld. | ||
| Barry Dienfeld. | ||
| If we had that bucket of ice, you could ring that bell and we could just get this over with. | ||
| Chuck Schumer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not how it works. | ||
| You're going to slide it. | ||
| That, by the way, that is the greatest technological advance I've ever seen. | ||
| Because one of the things I hate is taking my watch off. | ||
| And the fact that the battery goes on the watch and charges it in 90 minutes for 5 days is a fucking game changer. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| The thing to me that means the best, or means the most, is the sleep. | ||
| That it monitors your sleep. | ||
| It shows you deep sleep. | ||
| Let's see who can... | ||
| That's how we win the belt. | ||
| Who sleeps the most this month? | ||
| Who sleeps the most? | ||
| I'm in with that. | ||
| That sounds like a good fun challenge. | ||
| Who sleeps the most here? | ||
| Who sleeps the most here out of all of us? | ||
| Probably me. | ||
| Probably Ari. | ||
| He's got nothing. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| What's a good night for you, Ari? | ||
| If I can get eight, I'm good. | ||
| But I'll sleep until, sometimes I'll sleep by ten, I'll be like, meh, and I'll just go back to sleep. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Well, he doesn't have kids. | ||
| He doesn't have... | ||
| Yeah, that's nice. | ||
| And he's got money. | ||
| Yeah, I don't have to go anywhere to earn anything. | ||
| It comes way later. | ||
| It's a nice life. | ||
| What's that like? | ||
| Having no responsibilities in life. | ||
| You're one of my favorite people that has taken success and really done it in a great way. | ||
| You really bought freedom. | ||
| Whereas a lot of people buy a lot of shit. | ||
| You don't even own a fucking car. | ||
| Yeah, no reason in New York. | ||
| So what? | ||
| I'd have five cars to live in New York. | ||
| That's such a pain to have. | ||
| You wouldn't have a car there? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| If you've got to drive somewhere, you get a zip car. | ||
| Neither of you have ever lived in New York. | ||
| You two homo should get a tent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A tent? | |
| I lived in New Rochelle. | ||
| And I lived in New Rochelle because I couldn't afford... | ||
| But that's not Manhattan. | ||
| No, but I couldn't afford to live in Manhattan because I couldn't afford a parking spot. | ||
| Because I did road gigs. | ||
| Oh, you had to have a... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was a road warrior, man. | ||
| All my gigs were on the road. | ||
| I didn't have any gigs. | ||
| Driving from there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One time I picked up a tail at the Laugh Factory, and I was like, I'm going to the store if you want to ride. | ||
| I was parked right across the street. | ||
| He goes, yeah, all right. | ||
| And I was like, hold on, let me move some stuff. | ||
| And there was so much fucking shit in my car. | ||
| And he was like, road car, huh? | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| I'm just super messy. | ||
| I'm just the grossest guy you know. | ||
| You know when I started living that way? | ||
| When I was thinking of moving to New York, and Tom was like, fuck, I wish I could move to New York. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, why don't you? | ||
| He's like, I got a wife. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't just move. | ||
| Yeah, you can just move. | ||
| Yeah, and then from then on, I was like, I should do shit to make my married friends jealous. | ||
| I should live in a way that I'm like, fuck! | ||
| Otherwise you're not even doing anything. | ||
| No, you do do a lot of cool shit. | ||
| I'll give you that. | ||
| You do a lot of cool shit. | ||
| Yeah, you're like Chelsea Handler. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| You're an activist. | ||
| I'm an activist first. | ||
| And you also believe women are smarter. | ||
| They're smarter and better. | ||
| I bet you two would get along so fucking good. | ||
| You should marry her. | ||
| We would drink well together. | ||
| I bet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hard. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I've always gotten along with her. | ||
| I don't deal with her very much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I think she's hot. | ||
| Was that before or after Molly? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Both. | |
| Listen, I'm sorry I dose you. | ||
| I won't ever dose you again. | ||
| It's once and done for me. | ||
| For anybody? | ||
| Are we going to dose other people? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's definitely dosing you. | |
| I never thought about it before that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| He said he's like, I'm most definitely going to dose you. | ||
| I would have if we were doing this podcast yesterday, before October started, then for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Probably just acid, though. | ||
| Do you think there would be a different backlash, though? | ||
| You could just ask me and I would do it with you. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing, too. | ||
| You could have asked me and then I would have said, hey, Ari, now's a bad time, but I would like to do that with you. | ||
| We'll do it later. | ||
| Let me talk to my cardiologist first. | ||
| Yeah, we'll do it later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll go camping. | |
| We should do acid on November or whatever it is when we come back in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're not going to be able to do a return podcast. | ||
| Didn't we do mushrooms? | ||
| Yeah, we did mushrooms together in one of the last podcasts. | ||
| We did a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, we did do mushrooms. | ||
| When Tom's in Europe, it's like the 15th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When do you get back from Europe? | |
| I get back. | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| Oh, I leave the 14th. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I'm not back in LA till the 18th. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| When do you come back? | ||
| The 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, right before I go to Chicago. | ||
| 10th, 11th, 12th of November? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| We have to have a wrap-up show. | ||
| I mean, I would do it. | ||
| So 10 classes, 500 pages of reading. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pages. | |
| You have to read. | ||
| Of whatever book. | ||
| Oh, any book, right? | ||
| Any book you want to read? | ||
| Any book. | ||
| Any book. | ||
| Fiction, non-fiction. | ||
| Yeah, and tell us what you're reading, and then if we're looking for a book, we can read that one, too. | ||
| What are you guys going to start in on? | ||
| There's a book about the beginning of 4chan and 2chan. | ||
| There's a 2chan? | ||
| There's a lot of racism in that book, I bet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| I bet there's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
All those things. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| By the way, I still never found a contact at Children's Hospital to give that money to. | ||
| I've had like 10 grand sitting in an account for somebody. | ||
| Do you realize how unfun this podcast can be for me? | ||
| Do you realize that this is like, it's the fucking... | ||
| So touchy, we're a comic, come on. | ||
| Take your shirt off, maybe you'll feel better. | ||
| Here, take a shot. | ||
| There's a whole library of books out there, too, if you guys want to... | ||
| So many people bring books. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'll peruse. | ||
| There's probably 150 books out there. | ||
| I think I want to try some... | ||
| Probably more, right? | ||
| From what? | ||
| Classic literature. | ||
| I feel kind of like... | ||
| Well, like Steinbeck kind of stuff? | ||
| Yeah, just stuff that I'm like, you know, I haven't read any of that. | ||
| I'm going to jump into something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| Well, I definitely want to read The Madness of the Crowds, the new Douglas Murray book. | ||
| It's supposed to be excellent. | ||
| It's all about outrage. | ||
| That's cool? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Douglas Murray's been on my podcast before. | ||
| He was one of the first guys that I ever had on that was immediately demonetized. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, and he did a podcast with... | ||
| With Sam Harris and someone put it on their playlist on their channel and they got cited for community standards. | ||
| Because you made a playlist with that one in there? | ||
| Yeah, and so I asked this lady at YouTube, and she goes, it's hate speech. | ||
| I go, it's hate speech. | ||
| I go, the fact that you just said that, you're talking about two public intellectuals. | ||
| One of them's a neuroscientist, the other one's a gay man from Europe who is a public intellectual, and you just said it's hate speech. | ||
| It's because he's written about the negative aspects of immigration into Europe. | ||
| And he wrote a book called The Strange Death of Europe. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Islam and the slow death or strange death of Europe. | ||
| So they demonetized him. | ||
| But not just that. | ||
| They cited this person for community standards. | ||
| And then the woman at YouTube that I was speaking to at a fucking party. | ||
| I was just at a party with a friend of mine who used to be a big executive at Google just happened to be there. | ||
| She brought me to this party and this lady just happened to be there that worked at YouTube. | ||
| And I asked her about it and she just... | ||
| Flippantly said, it's hate speech. | ||
| I'm going to go, you don't know. | ||
| Well, you didn't listen to that podcast. | ||
| The fact that you just say, I know that if it was... | ||
| It's the end all of any conversation. | ||
| You just say that and it's done talking. | ||
| And that's what she said. | ||
| And she was trying to do that when she was talking to me and I wasn't letting her go. | ||
| And my wife was squeezing my leg. | ||
| It was a super uncomfortable conversation. | ||
| But it makes you realize how arrogant some of these people are that are in these positions of power that are in control of social media. | ||
| And now they're getting a lot of blowback, so they've softened up their tone. | ||
| But they're still, like, Steven Crowder just had some piece that he did about how much there's shadow banning with his YouTube account. | ||
| Like, he's one of those guys, prove me wrong. | ||
| Like, Hitler, you know, Hitler was really smart, prove me wrong. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, he takes, like, there's only two genders, prove me wrong. | ||
| And he'll sit down with people at this table and have these conversations and film them. | ||
| And, you know, most of the people are not prepared or informed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Emotional. | |
| And emotional. | ||
| And he stays calm and that gets him even more freaked out. | ||
| But it's kind of interesting. | ||
| It's entertaining content. | ||
| So anyway, someone was looking for one of those. | ||
| So they Googled Stephen Crowder, proved me wrong. | ||
| They couldn't find anything in the first 70 fucking videos that were recommended by YouTube. | ||
| That's literally his video. | ||
| Steven Crowder proved me wrong. | ||
| I got a message that I'm shadow banned on Instagram. | ||
| They're like, type in your name and you won't come up. | ||
| I think more than ever that Instagram just has a really shitty search engine. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| No, I talked to an Instagram star about this. | ||
| They're upset that we are making money off Instagram without using their promotion. | ||
| They want you to use their promotion. | ||
| So the fact that we're selling merch through Instagram, we're selling tickets through Instagram, and they're not getting a cut. | ||
| How does this fucking person who's an Instagram influencer know this? | ||
| That's all they do for their life. | ||
| But they don't know that. | ||
| But they're not inside the inner workings of the company and talk to the people that write the algorithms. | ||
| I bet they don't. | ||
| I didn't vet it. | ||
| I just was having a conversation. | ||
| The more that I look into this, the more I think they have a really shitty search engine. | ||
| But it's also possible that someone is preventing certain people from getting found. | ||
| Like Andrew Schultz was the first person to point it out. | ||
| And if you just type in Andrew Schultz and try to find his name, all you can find is all these other accounts. | ||
| Why is he demonetized? | ||
| Because he says a lot of crazy shit. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Because he's a comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're a comic and you say crazy shit and someone decides it's offensive and they say, hey, we're going to put Tom Segura on this shadow ban list. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, that's crazy. | ||
| Well, dude, it's real. | ||
| It's just their opinion. | ||
| I mean, shadow banning is real. | ||
| There's all Project Veritas is this guy, James O'Keefe, that's done this undercover investigation and had people talk to Twitter people and Instagram people. | ||
| And the people that work there, when they're at a bar, when they're out, they were explaining to some girl how you shadow ban someone, how you stop conservative voices. | ||
| So I had my Patreon, it was like shadowban right away, and I was like, that's pretty quick. | ||
| And I emailed them in a calm manner, and I was like, hey, what's going on? | ||
| I don't show up in search engines. | ||
| And she goes, let me look. | ||
| And she goes, all right, well, I see it. | ||
| You've been flagged as having pornography. | ||
| I'm looking. | ||
| You know, you just started one. | ||
| There's almost nothing on there. | ||
| It's for sure wrong. | ||
| So I'll take that flag off, and now you show up. | ||
| So I'm wondering if some of it's just like a bureaucratic, like, that just labels you. | ||
| Or an asshole fan. | ||
| Right, because a lot of them just say, uh, flag. | ||
| Can target you, right? | ||
| They can target you. | ||
| And there's no way to say, hey, this was wrong, can you take that off me? | ||
| Hey, Ari, you know, spikes people's drinks, he's that kind of guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's... | |
| What's weird about it is it's so ideologically one-sided. | ||
| Everyone on the left is kind of free to post whatever the fuck they want, and people on the right... | ||
| It's interesting, for sure, because even if you're not conservative, you should want some type of balance to exist. | ||
| That's the whole idea. | ||
| The justification of it is... | ||
| The justification is all that Trump's a terrible president and that the election was terribly, you know, infuriating. | ||
| And there was a Google executive that was talking about it recently. | ||
| There was this really weird interview where they were talking about how deeply upset everyone was at the results of the election. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| And that they've decided to take steps to try to prevent their platform from being used for a similar result in the future. | ||
| This is a crazy time right now. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| Right now, this week is nuts, man. | ||
| This past few days? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what do you think about all this impeachment shit and the Ukraine shit? | ||
| I mean, the funny thing is it's almost like a perfect highlight of everybody being who they are, you know? | ||
| Like him going like, it's a perfect phone call. | ||
| It's like such a Trump line. | ||
| And then he's definitely, you know, talking to another president about, like he's denying what he did. | ||
| But then, you know, there's people who obviously stand saying it's not, you know, the conversation was about investigations. | ||
| But, you know, he's always been somebody, you gotta, I think, separate him from politics. | ||
| This is a guy who's new to politics, essentially, right? | ||
| He's always been a guy who bent, like, he's a rule breaker. | ||
| He doesn't, you know, he's always been someone who's like, that shit doesn't apply to me. | ||
| Make it happen. | ||
| And I think that, you know, I don't know how far it's going to go, but I think the door is open now to, like, they're really going to investigate that call. | ||
| Then there was a report that maybe the Australian PM call had a similar thing where he asked him to get involved, and we haven't seen the readout of that. | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It seems like they went from one, we want to impeach for something, like, right away to another one, and it just makes me think, like... | ||
| I don't even know about these. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to get like, I think in the normal sense, like if we had gone through a more stable last couple of years as far as news and stuff, this would be groundbreaking holy shit. | ||
| But in the scope of what the last few years have been like, it still feels like some other crazy inquiry. | ||
| I'm sure you're not telling me the whole story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| They're saying they're opening the investigation into it, but we don't know what really that's going to mean. | ||
| If they do impeach him, man, things could get really ugly. | ||
| Things could get crazy here. | ||
| With the supporters. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| If you just took their guy out, if you just took their guy and just said, we voted him in fair and square, and you guys just removed him, no way. | ||
| Did you see what he put on his Instagram today? | ||
| What? | ||
| He tried to impeach this. | ||
| And he put a picture of his dick? | ||
| No. | ||
| He showed a picture of the entire country that's mostly red states and a couple of blue, which was the result of the election. | ||
| That was Trump's post? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you think of the call? | ||
| I didn't really listen to it. | ||
| Did you listen to it or did you look at the transcript? | ||
| No, I read the transcript. | ||
| I didn't even read the transcript. | ||
| I'm going to wait until it gets real. | ||
| I like to look at these things like, okay, I'll look into this soon. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because a lot of it feels sensationalized, right? | ||
| Well, I remember Justin Martindale telling me that Stormy Daniels was going to take him down. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| She's Harmonic Lewinsky. | ||
| They want it so bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They want that. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Like a duck to water. | ||
| Just water off his back. | ||
| Shook it off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kept moving. | ||
| But he also, I think he loves this shit, you know? | ||
| I think he actually loves... | ||
| He will complain about witch hunt shit, but I think he actually... | ||
| He likes being talked about. | ||
| It's a game. | ||
| It's a game for him, you know? | ||
| I think he enjoys it. | ||
| Yeah, but the game is try to put a real stink on him where when 2020 comes around, he can't win. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the game. | ||
| But stinks don't stick to him. | ||
| He'll win the next election. | ||
| He'll win the next election. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I don't think the Democrats have come up with someone that's... | ||
| They need someone like, no joke, but like The Rock. | ||
| Someone to be excited about. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| The Rock could win, 100%. | ||
| Even if he would be a terrible president, and I think he probably would be... | ||
| He seems like a really smart guy. | ||
| Might actually be good if he dedicated himself to it. | ||
| Based on what? | ||
| Talking to him. | ||
| Oh, you know The Rock? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shut up! | ||
| I was like, based on his movies? | ||
| Well, not just that. | ||
| I mean, I've talked to him briefly, but reading his stuff that he posts and listened to his little Instagram videos, he's a considerate, interesting, introspective guy. | ||
| Just works hard, busts his ass, but he's very nice. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if that's enough to be president, but I don't think anybody should be president. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| But once we're down to a popularity contest, at least I think he would be a fair and equitable person. | ||
| It might just go straight to popularity contest so no more politicians can win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, they wouldn't win if we all... | |
| Well, Kanye, if someone really decided, someone really famous, not just Trump, but someone else decided, like especially a famous comic, decided to run for president, he would be fucked. | ||
| Because he's so easy to make fun of, and all those fucking dolts don't know how to do it. | ||
| And so he shits on them, and all the people that never had... | ||
| The thing about him is, he's the first asshole president, openly an asshole. | ||
| And there's so many guys out there that are assholes that want to support another asshole. | ||
| They're like, finally, one of us! | ||
| I remember there's a scene where Ted Cruz was giving some speech and there was a guy with sunglasses on who was telling him, quit, you're never going to win, you're never going to win, Trump's going to be president. | ||
| And he's in his face and Ted Cruz is trying to talk to him in his bullshit politician way. | ||
| But this guy's like, fuck you! | ||
| Because he's an asshole. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And he wants to be able to do that to Ted Cruz. | ||
| And Ted Cruz didn't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| And I was like, oh, he didn't know how to handle this. | ||
| He's never been heckled. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Whereas Trump is like, fuck you, right back to your face. | ||
| I think if Oprah ran, I think she'd win. | ||
| I think if someone... | ||
| That's what we've entered into. | ||
| We're like, now we don't want anyone with any expertise. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We just want popular... | ||
| Well, I mean, if someone like Obama ran, he would fucking win. | ||
| But you have to... | ||
| He's a unicorn. | ||
| Like, someone who's that articulate and charismatic. | ||
| You get, like, a Bill Clinton. | ||
| You get, like, a, you know, Obama. | ||
| Those are rare people that are that good at talking and also have a good record and also, you know, know how to fucking rile a crowd up. | ||
| There's not a lot of those. | ||
| Joe Biden certainly isn't one of them. | ||
| That guy's walking dead. | ||
| And he also notably has slipped... | ||
| Every time he talks, you can see that it's taking him a while to put together. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like when an older guy takes a minute to put something together, you can see it. | ||
| Dude, he's old as fuck, and he's not healthy, and he looks tired. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't look good. | ||
| He's always tired. | ||
| You can't be tired and run for president. | ||
| And then you got that Pete Buttigiegieg guy. | ||
| That guy can't even run his own fucking city. | ||
| They're all pissed at him. | ||
| It's the people in his own city. | ||
| There was a cop murdered somebody, and everybody was going crazy. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| You're not even here. | ||
| You're out there running for president. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, all your fucking time should be running your goddamn city, and instead, you're on TV every day doing these debates. | ||
| You're not paying attention to the fucking city. | ||
| There's no way you can. | ||
| It's one of the rare jobs. | ||
| It's fucking all-encompassing. | ||
| Yeah, if you run, you should have someone else run your position. | ||
| But it's one of the rare jobs where it requires so much energy to pursue, and yet people pursue it while they have other jobs that they're being paid for with Taxpayer dollars. | ||
| Yeah, you should give up being a senator. | ||
| You should get an interim leader while you're running for president. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And maybe you should have to fucking earn it back. | ||
| Like, who knows? | ||
| Maybe the new senator is better and maybe he doesn't want to be president. | ||
| Maybe they're not with this. | ||
| That polling changes all the time, but isn't like the top three still? | ||
| It's a mix of Biden, Warren, Sanders, right? | ||
| It's always like those three. | ||
| Yep, those are the three that everybody wants to win. | ||
| I'm always fascinated by that person who, like at this point, six months in or something, and they're at.01, they're like, we're doing another fundraising campaign tonight. | ||
| You're not winning, dude. | ||
| I wish I had a little bit of that in my personality. | ||
| Where I was like, I can still do it. | ||
| Wait a minute, you do have that. | ||
| That's why you thought you were going to win Sober October last year. | ||
| Yeah, that's true, though. | ||
| You were saying you were going to win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I feel like there's a trigger for you. | |
| That's the thing. | ||
| If somebody goes, you're definitely not going to win, then you go, I'm going to fuck you. | ||
| But I said that all month. | ||
| I had fun with that. | ||
| I thought it was fun. | ||
| I didn't think that when you started throwing up numbers, I was like, there's no way. | ||
| I'm catching Joe, but I'm still making videos going, Joe, I'll double whatever you do. | ||
| And I just thought it was fun. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It for sure was fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't think it was fun. | |
| I know you didn't. | ||
| It was horrible, but it was still fun. | ||
| It was definitely fun. | ||
| It was fun when you see your place change in the ratings. | ||
| I didn't think you would do anything. | ||
| How do we decide? | ||
| Are we going to get a champ this year? | ||
| I thought Ari was going to be a real problem because I know Ari. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Ari's psychotically competitive. | ||
| But only when I challenged it. | ||
| I got to have entered in. | ||
| I guess I did. | ||
| That's a good question, though. | ||
| Is there a way to win or lose this year? | ||
| It kind of feels like there's not really. | ||
| It doesn't seem like there is. | ||
| No. | ||
| The problem with a way to win or lose is it's going to become a competition again and everyone's going to go fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we're going to spend too much time doing it. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| The real problem is time constraints. | ||
| Like, the funnest year for me... | ||
| Well, last year was fun, but it was too crazy. | ||
| But the year before that was the yoga thing was easy. | ||
| In terms of it was hard to do. | ||
| You put time in. | ||
| That was a good time. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I thought yoga was the best one we've done because... | ||
| We all did it together. | ||
| Tom and I went to almost every class together. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| We all went together. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Yeah, when we all showed up in Encino and pulled into that place, we were all laughing. | ||
| We had a good time. | ||
| Tom had a Lamborghini. | ||
| I got a Lambo that year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a good year, man. | |
| That's right, you guys. | ||
| The jealousy on Bert's face. | ||
| There's no jealousy. | ||
| It was me going, what the fuck happened to my friend? | ||
| Why can't I get a Lambo? | ||
| I pulled away and I heard you go like, who are you? | ||
| I was like, what happened to you? | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| That was a good time. | ||
| That was a good time. | ||
| So these classes will be something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that'll be fun. | |
| If we're still doing this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you think you're not. | ||
| Would you rather not? | ||
| What do you want to do? | ||
| I'd bring that bell, dude. | ||
| Let's just get fucking drunk as fuck this October. | ||
| I can call Jeff in with a bucket of ice. | ||
| I mean, we're in a... | ||
| You know what we could do? | ||
| We could get super fucked up and then still have to do these challenges. | ||
| Yeah, we could do that. | ||
| No one's beaten me there. | ||
| Go to the tactical. | ||
| We could do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta do classes drunk. | |
| Well, I wouldn't do that, but I've done jujitsu high many, many, many times. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's great high. | ||
| Everything's so slow. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| It slows it down for you? | ||
| You can tell what's happening. | ||
| You have a feel for things. | ||
| Sort of like pool. | ||
| You're better at pool when you're high, too. | ||
| Things that we have a feel for things. | ||
| Do you get high to do arena shows now? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Just a toke? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Oh, you get ripped? | ||
| Blast off! | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And you go up there and fucking ripped? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, ripped. | |
| No shit. | ||
| I get excited. | ||
| It's a big year you say that. | ||
| Yeah, with Chappelle, for sure. | ||
| That was the biggest show I've ever done. | ||
| He gets high as fuck. | ||
| We got blasted. | ||
| How many people in those rooms? | ||
| 25,000. | ||
| Wow, and you got high as fuck. | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| We broke the attendance record for the Tacoma Dome. | ||
| We're both lit. | ||
| The next day, what's crazy about him is he really goes rockstar style. | ||
| We fly in a private jet, we land, and you get in a tour bus. | ||
| Not a limo. | ||
| Tour bus. | ||
| And he's on the phone with John Mayer. | ||
| They're talking about the benefits of the tour bus versus a limo. | ||
| A car service picking your luck. | ||
| Versus a car service. | ||
| So the tour bus takes you to the hotel. | ||
| Ten minute drive. | ||
| Tour bus. | ||
| And then once we get there, then we go into Dave's room and he's got all the fucking IVs set up. | ||
| They got a doctor there, or nurses there, that are administering IVs to us. | ||
| They're giving you glutathione, which helps you process the alcohol. | ||
| See what I found and made you discover? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I had an IV. B12 shot in the butt. | ||
| I had an IV, people come right up to my tour bus, right before my show in KC. So I was like fucking shaking. | ||
| And they gave it to me and I felt amazing. | ||
| And then I was like, and then I started getting jumpy. | ||
| Too good. | ||
| A little too excited. | ||
| A little too good and I was like, oh fuck. | ||
| The yellow? | ||
| Yeah, really reinvigorates you, man. | ||
| Vitamin drip. | ||
| Vitamin drip IV. Not Molly. | ||
| I got sick and tried to do it. | ||
| The thing is, if you're already sick, it's too late. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you're sick, if you're like starting to feel like, oh man, I might be sick tomorrow. | ||
| I think you have a chance. | ||
| Then you get the drip. | ||
| But the B12 shot, even when I was sick, gave me a nice boost for the night. | ||
| Gives you a little boost, yeah. | ||
| I got it like three hours before the show. | ||
| You know, it's hard to get that without the shot. | ||
| You know, if you take the, there's a liposomal B12 that you can take, that you put under your tongue and shit. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| It's not as good. | ||
| Not the shot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The shot's the way to go. | ||
| Yeah, the shot's the way to go. | ||
| The real way to go is to make sure you always have heavy nutrient levels in your body, always. | ||
| Always take multivitamins. | ||
| Always, you know, make sure you get a balanced diet. | ||
| Then you can party a little more and you got a little more leeway. | ||
| You can bounce back easier. | ||
| It's the people that eat like shit and then they don't, you know. | ||
| Do you have diarrhea? | ||
| We did a podcast for this. | ||
| We drank a lot of water. | ||
| And booze. | ||
| What? | ||
| I can't believe he dosed you. | ||
| Are you still pissed about it? | ||
| I'm not pissed. | ||
| It triggers things in my head. | ||
| And it bums me out that it's a close friend. | ||
| Because it's like a lack of trust. | ||
| What's weird is how laughy he is about it. | ||
| I think part of that, though, is because he knows, dude. | ||
| I think he knows he fucked up. | ||
| I think when I told him, I said, hey man, what if this counteracts with my medicine? | ||
| He was like, I didn't think about that. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think he knows. | ||
| I think he knows. | ||
| What kind of shit do you want? | ||
| Lusartan and amelinapine. | ||
| And this is all from... | ||
| I almost got taken off it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| In this last... | ||
| I went back to the doctor and he's like, your blood pressure is perfect. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And he was like, you know, the goal is to get you to a healthy weight and get you off your blood pressure. | ||
| Is there a target weight or no? | ||
| I'd like to be 205. What did you do when you got down to the challenge? | ||
| 215. 215 was the lightest I got after the weight challenge. | ||
| But that was dehydrated, right? | ||
| That was dehydrated. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| 215 was... | ||
| When we did the weight loss challenge, I kept losing weight and I got down to 215. Oh, after? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so, if I could get down to 215 at the end of this one, I would love to do 205. I think I'm still not going to be in shape. | ||
| At 205, I'm still almost obese. | ||
| But no, that's middle middleweight. | ||
| What was your obese? | ||
| 224 before? | ||
| How tall are you? | ||
| 6'1". | ||
| 6'1". | ||
| 205 is pretty lean, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, I would like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can get there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think this month I'll be interested to see how much weight I lose because I'm already on a weight loss. | ||
| 280? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| 305? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You're 412? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| How much do you wear? | ||
| Can you wear yourself on regular scales? | ||
| 237? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| If I bust out a scale right now, it says 237? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Probably not. | ||
| No, because it's later in the day. | ||
| I haven't weighed myself since I got back off the tour. | ||
| Since grade 6. But yeah, I'd like to get down. | ||
| How much are you weighing? | ||
| 233. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How often do you tour? | ||
| Every fucking week. | ||
| Didn't you make some wacky deal where you kind of have to be on the road constantly? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I made a deal, but I don't have to do whatever I don't want to do. | ||
| Dude, his tour bus is amazing. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| It's so nice on there. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And so when you go on tour, you essentially just take that bus from town to town? | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| And that's how you do it from now on. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| Because I was talking to Sturgill and his band yesterday, they were in here, and he was saying that he would rather be on a bus for three days than go to an airport. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| He's like, the bus is home. | ||
| Yeah, I understand that. | ||
| He goes, the bus is home. | ||
| It's all comfortable in there. | ||
| They're all buddies. | ||
| They're all hanging out. | ||
| It's a good time. | ||
| How much fun was it? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| We got on the show. | ||
| We get on the tour bus. | ||
| It starts raining. | ||
| Everyone's in there drinking. | ||
| We're all talking. | ||
| We're talking shit about comics. | ||
| You can watch shit on the fucking TV. You can sit around. | ||
| You can watch Netflix, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got Tim Dillon on the road with me this week. | ||
| That's smart to get a sober guy for this month. | ||
| Yeah, you get a fun guy like Tim. | ||
| My bus driver's fucking hilarious. | ||
| My tour manager's my cousin. | ||
| Tim's a good sober guy because he seems like a drunk. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He seems like a raging drunk. | ||
| It's interesting that he does seem like a drunk, but he's not. | ||
| Like that Meghan McCain thing? | ||
| You would think that has to be done by a guy who's on a lot of drugs. | ||
| Yeah, he's really funny. | ||
| I won't fuck you, I only fuck daddy! | ||
| That Meghan McCain bit is fucking crazy. | ||
| I've seen his Twitter. | ||
| It's just super opinionated, which is fun. | ||
| It's fun to see somebody. | ||
| To me, he had the very best take of a lot of people that were attacking Louis. | ||
| They're really mediocre comedians who didn't like the fact that Louis was brilliant, and they're coming up with all these reasons why they hate him, on top of what he did. | ||
| Especially a certain camp of comedians really embraced that. | ||
| Louis always had his feet planted both amazingly and all mainstream and perfectly. | ||
| Everybody in both was like, that's the guy. | ||
| But when the alt camp really came after him, Ooh, hard, because those are the little virtue signaling twats. | ||
| And those were the ones who were like, oh, the king is done. | ||
| Oh, he's so brilliant. | ||
| You thought he was brilliant, though. | ||
| Yeah, those are the ones who also said, you can't do rape jokes unless you're Louis. | ||
| He does it good. | ||
| They were always saying that he's their exception for that. | ||
| LOL. LOL. What he's doing is really interesting. | ||
| I want to see what he's going to do now. | ||
| Because he's just traveling around and he's just doing clubs. | ||
| I'm fascinated by what the draw is if he were to announce the big venue. | ||
| Because having traveled a lot this year, it makes me think that he would be at... | ||
| At least 75% of what his draw was. | ||
| At least. | ||
| I think it would be higher. | ||
| There's an excitement to it now. | ||
| I don't think he lost anybody. | ||
| There's an excitement to it now where it's like, before it was like, he'll be back next year. | ||
| And now we don't know where he was. | ||
| He gained more. | ||
| Whenever he lost, he gained. | ||
| But it's at the clubs right now. | ||
| So it's like, I want to see the... | ||
| But maybe he's just decided to just do this and make a good living traveling around doing clubs and never do a special again. | ||
| Maybe he just enjoys doing stand-up. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| I feel like I noticed different types of comics. | ||
| There's comics that like to live in L.A. and do spots in L.A. and not get out. | ||
| And I don't think Louis is that guy. | ||
| I think Louis likes being on the road. | ||
| I think he likes the road. | ||
| You know, the road's so different than LA and New York. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's also, you know, it's all his fans that are coming to see him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It's also fun in New York. | ||
| He does a lot of spots in New York. | ||
| Or he did, anyway. | ||
| Does he do them now? | ||
| Not really anymore. | ||
| Because they were videotaping everything he said. | ||
| That's such a problem now, is people videotaping. | ||
| A lot of people do is videotaping. | ||
| Everything I'm doing, they're just videotaping the entire thing. | ||
| Well, have you thought about using those yonder bags? | ||
| I have not because, I don't know, I think it's just a pain in the ass. | ||
| What are you going to do, fight? | ||
| We did it at the Chappelle Show. | ||
| 25,000 fucking people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you really? | |
| 25,000? | ||
| Yeah, a ton of people. | ||
| We did it also on the next night. | ||
| How long does it take to get them out? | ||
| It takes a while. | ||
| It takes a while. | ||
| But the thing is, Yonder, they know how to do it. | ||
| The Tacoma show was the biggest show they'd ever handled before. | ||
| You know what's nice after a show like that? | ||
| As soon as it ends, nobody's going on their phone, they're all talking to each other about what they just saw. | ||
| They're not disappearing. | ||
| I did it leading up to my Netflix special, too. | ||
| I did it for a few months. | ||
| I did it for three shows. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| What did you think of the response? | ||
| What did it cost you? | ||
| We'll talk about it afterwards. | ||
| It's not cheap. | ||
| It's not cheap. | ||
| It costs a little bit of money. | ||
| Because right now I'm getting ready for my Netflix special, and what I realized is you've still got to take chances. | ||
| Even though you're in a theater, you're still going to have to roll the dice and take chances and write new material because you haven't really gotten it yet. | ||
| And I hate that people are recording me taking chances and trying to figure things out. | ||
| And I go, don't put that on YouTube. | ||
| It's not done yet. | ||
| I want to tell you when it's done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Also, just fucking pay attention. | ||
| Even if you're just using it for yourself, just pay attention. | ||
| Watch it in the room. | ||
| You know what's the best, but by best I mean the worst, was Miami. | ||
| Because when I used the Yonder Bags in Miami, where I was at the Jackie Gleason Theater, these motherfuckers, they would get up constantly to go outside to make phone calls and then come back. | ||
| So the crowd, instead of everybody sitting down focused, was just people constantly getting up and leaving and then coming back. | ||
| Because they had to use it. | ||
| So to go outside, To go outside to use it and then to come back. | ||
| It was the one city. | ||
| Super distracting. | ||
| I've always said if you want to starve to death, open up a bookstore in Miami. | ||
| It's the dumbest fucking party place on earth. | ||
| That's the spot. | ||
| It was so clear watching the audience just get up and leave. | ||
| You haven't been to Fort Myers? | ||
| Oh yeah, that's bad too. | ||
| I'll be there next week. | ||
| Miami's particularly party-y though. | ||
| It's a different vibe. | ||
| It's a different vibe. | ||
| It's Coke. | ||
| It's a Coke vibe. | ||
| Yes, it's a Coke vibe. | ||
| And it's also an all-night, you know, all night, all the time. | ||
| You can get good food in Miami at 3 in the morning. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| No questions asked. | ||
| No one thinks it's weird that you're looking for it, either. | ||
| You're like, can I get dinner now at 3 a.m.? | ||
| They're like, yeah, there's like 12 restaurants right here. | ||
| When the bar's closed, you're like, I just got this drink. | ||
| They just put it in a paper cup, like, go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, all right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the sun comes up kind of place, for sure. | ||
| It's an interesting place. | ||
| It's not my favorite. | ||
| No. | ||
| But I like going there because it makes me really feel like I'm in another country. | ||
| Like I'm doing stand-up in Costa Rica or something. | ||
| You are, basically. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are. | |
| They're wild people. | ||
| There's so much dancing and the streets are filled with people. | ||
| That's just Latin America. | ||
| Miami's Latin America, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lively. | ||
| Everyone's lively. | ||
| A lot of Lambos. | ||
| A lot of Tom Segura cars driving around. | ||
| Jewelry. | ||
| A lot of fucking crazy clothes. | ||
| You ever see yourself in a flossy car? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| I don't care about cars, really. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| But you have that beautiful BMW. I don't really drive. | ||
| You show me that thing. | ||
| You were very proud of it. | ||
| How did you say you don't care about cars? | ||
| No, I like it. | ||
| I like it, but I don't really give a... | ||
| I'm not a car guy. | ||
| What's your stuff indulgence? | ||
| What's your stuff? | ||
| Yeah, what do you... | ||
| It's not cars. | ||
| Like, what would you... | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| I think... | ||
| I'm not that indulgent. | ||
| Like financially, I don't really care about jewelry too much. | ||
| I have a necklace my grandmother gave me. | ||
| I don't really care about stuff like that. | ||
| You like watches? | ||
| Yeah, but I don't really care. | ||
| I stopped wearing my Rolex because I just thought it was too flashy and I thought I'd get robbed. | ||
| So I was like, eh, fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What is that watch going on? | ||
| This is just for my running. | ||
| Oh, is it one of the Garmin's? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're on stage in front of fucking 2,800 people, and then you go, hey, let's go out to a bar after this, and then you got $50,000 on your wrist. | ||
| Yeah, it's a little weird. | ||
| $50,000? | ||
| What kind of Rolex are you wearing? | ||
| It's a presidential rose gold. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| It was a present. | ||
| No, it was a present. | ||
| I didn't buy it. | ||
| You should go straight Tracy Morgan, just giant fucking gold ropes, big fat gold ropes, maybe a giant dollar bill sign. | ||
| I get anxiety when I hear about you guys spending money. | ||
| When you got this place, I got anxiety for you. | ||
| I know you got a lot of money, but I go, aren't you afraid you're going to run out? | ||
| That's how I am with money. | ||
| I don't have a hard time spending it. | ||
| Well, some people are famine thinkers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think, yeah, I think I do. | ||
| And it's like when you got the Lambo, I got scared for you because I was like, why would you do that? | ||
| I was trying to get them to buy it for real. | ||
| Yeah, but you like spending money. | ||
| Yeah, you do like spending money. | ||
| You like spending money. | ||
| Enjoy it. | ||
| Yeah, I grew up poor. | ||
| I like having money. | ||
| I don't think you should have money if you're not going to spend it. | ||
| I just don't agree with that. | ||
| But there's not a part of your comic brain that goes... | ||
| This can all be taken away. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| I got a different brain than you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My brain doesn't work that way. | ||
| I work every fucking weekend. | ||
| Because I go, I want to get the material sharp. | ||
| I want to get ready for the special. | ||
| I want to make as much money while the sun shines. | ||
| Make hay while the sun shines. | ||
| Dude, you're going to be fine. | ||
| Talk to me more often and stay off the molly, this guy. | ||
| How are you doing molly all the time? | ||
| He's doing molly just so he doesn't feel bad. | ||
| Spending all his money on cars and shit. | ||
| It's so crazy what a character I've become now that I'm not even a real human anymore. | ||
| That was Kinnison's problem. | ||
| He became a character. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Kinnison even talked about it. | ||
| Hunter S. Thompson, the same issue. | ||
| You know, as he got famous for being this wild man, you know, and people that knew Hunter would say that when the cameras were off, he was a different guy, but when he knew that the cameras were there, he would all of a sudden take on this character. | ||
| Do you know that band Beardy Man? | ||
| Fitzsimmons and I were reading off Hunter S. Thompson's Daily routine. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like Chivas, Dunhills. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| We're reading it off, and Beardy Man turned it into a video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I saw that. | |
| Turned it into a song, and then turned it into this crazy video. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I saw a clip of this. | ||
| Apparently, it didn't really live like that every day. | ||
| It was just like when someone was there watching in there. | ||
| When a reporter was there watching in there. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| He was just like, I'm just going to do coke and drink all day. | ||
| I'm going to wake up at four in the afternoon, and I'm going to eat fucking Cheetos and Doritos and enchiladas. | ||
| And be like, this is my routine. | ||
| And drink margaritas. | ||
| And, you know, 6 a.m. | ||
| in the hot tub with champagne. | ||
| And that's what he would do. | ||
| And he would ride at midnight after... | ||
| So he had this reporter there, and he's doing all these hard, hard drugs up until midnight, and at midnight, he started writing. | ||
| So he writes until 6 a.m., and then 6 a.m. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| Yeah, see, I knew Ari would like it. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| But when you're that guy, like, Kinnison said they would just lay out lines of coke for him, like... | ||
| Oh, it's him! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's him! | |
| Here, fucking do this! | ||
| That is kind of what you go through. | ||
| Dude, you have no fucking idea. | ||
| Everyone wants to drink with you. | ||
| I'll bring a drink on stage and I'll have my drink. | ||
| If I'm doing one show, I'll have it when I tell the machine story. | ||
| But if I just have a soda and I just take a big sip, they go fucking nuts. | ||
| And it's hard because... | ||
| I do like drinking. | ||
| So when people are like, hey, can I buy you a drink? | ||
| Yeah, they're like, alright! | ||
| And you're like, well, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Right, I get it. | ||
| And no one had, like, when I told everyone I already slipped my Molly on stage, they just cheer. | ||
| You're the machine! | ||
| And you're like, oh, I'm also a fucking dad. | ||
| A great dad. | ||
| But I don't even know... | ||
| I remember hearing about Amy and Sarah when they got in trouble for the jokes they made, going, that's a character I do. | ||
| And I can't wrap my head around a difference between who I am on stage and who I am off stage. | ||
| Like, I'm the same person. | ||
| So, like, I can't understand being a character, even though, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, I know what you're saying. | ||
| I can't understand that either. | ||
| I'm basically an exaggerated version of me on stage. | ||
| That is, yeah, right? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You're on a good day. | ||
| Yeah, the funniest ways I'm looking at life. | ||
| But there are ways I've actually looked at life. | ||
| I've never said anything on stage where I'm like, this is not my perspective, but I'm going to take on this perspective in order to get these people to laugh at me. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| I hate when comics do that. | ||
| I'm like, you don't believe that? | ||
| Just change the joke up. | ||
| Or take the high road and try to write the fucking joke the way you want it to sound. | ||
| Unless it's something that's fucked up to say. | ||
| That you gotta know that I don't really think that. | ||
| I will say that. | ||
| And I'll say, guess what? | ||
| I don't even fucking think that. | ||
| I just think it's funny. | ||
| Ha ha. | ||
| What about you on the podcast? | ||
| How much of you on the podcast is who you are off the podcast? | ||
| Oh my god, it's like 100% of me on the podcast. | ||
| I've been doing it for so long. | ||
| I don't think I would know how to fake being someone else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that also wouldn't work. | |
| One of the reasons why this podcast works is because it seems like a hang. | ||
| Like, you guys know me. | ||
| This is me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If that wasn't the case, but it also makes it so much easier. | ||
| Can you imagine if you had a character that you were doing on a podcast and you have to keep that character up all the time? | ||
| For me, that's one of the reasons why it's so easy to do the UFC and so easy even to do stand-up. | ||
| It's like I'm live all the time. | ||
| The idea of someone watching you is easy. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| Like when I do those UFC broadcasts and, you know, If I'm doing a pay-per-view, millions of people are watching this. | ||
| It's a fucking hugely important thing. | ||
| We don't even rehearse. | ||
| I don't even know what they're going to ask me. | ||
| Yeah, that's really crazy. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| And that's how I've always done it. | ||
| But I know what's happening. | ||
| I know who the fighters are. | ||
| I know what's going down. | ||
| But that's just because I'm a fan. | ||
| So when John Anik turns to me, and he's like, you know, in this light heavyweight title fight, you know, blah, blah, blah, John Jones, and I'll just start going off. | ||
| I just started talking about it. | ||
| But it's because of this, because I do this so often. | ||
| I feel like other sports broadcasters do so much more prep. | ||
| So much more work than you. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| They all study their binders for like five days. | ||
| Well, I do study fights, but I study fights because I just happened to be a fan. | ||
| So it's easy. | ||
| If I was doing basketball, I'd have to really pay attention to the teams, really pay attention to who's playing who and what the implications are. | ||
| For fighting, I know it. | ||
| I pay attention to it constantly. | ||
| So when something's happening, I'm like, I'm excited about this. | ||
| I only know comedy like that. | ||
| There's only one thing I know, and it's comedy. | ||
| That's the only thing I have any expertise at all, because I don't know anything about anything. | ||
| Well, I think that's one of the good things about being not so good at something. | ||
| It's like something that you get excited about. | ||
| I think it helps to other things. | ||
| I think archery and bow hunting, I think it helps my comedy. | ||
| And I think it helps podcasting. | ||
| Because it's something that I'm learning how to do. | ||
| That's something you're excited about. | ||
| Yeah, because it requires a lot of work. | ||
| It requires a lot of thinking and it's a very absolute thing where you can't fuck it up. | ||
| It has to be done correctly. | ||
| It's like there's a lot of work that has to go into it. | ||
| You can't fake the work. | ||
| I don't know if I could get into anything without comedy being the purpose that I'm there. | ||
| Like if I got into archery, I'd be like, this is to write a bit about. | ||
| Do you have hobbies outside of comedy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Working out. | ||
| I never understood when people say they have hobbies. | ||
| I can never wrap my head around that. | ||
| I go, yeah, making videos. | ||
| Yeah, working out. | ||
| You're like running. | ||
| No, but I don't even really... | ||
| I only run to try to be healthy. | ||
| I don't enjoy it. | ||
| I don't have any hobbies. | ||
| What about you, Tom? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I've actually always... | ||
| Have that thing where I'm like, man, I wish I had more hobbies. | ||
| And then the way that I kind of talk myself down from the criticism is like, well, I just have a very busy life. | ||
| I have kids. | ||
| I have a wife. | ||
| I have the podcasting. | ||
| I have touring. | ||
| Kids are kind of a hobby, too, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sure. | ||
| No, but there's just a lot going on. | ||
| I like certain things. | ||
| I've gone to a couple tracks to drive, and I really love it, but it's fucking... | ||
| That's a lot of time. | ||
| They're not here. | ||
| They're not in proper L.A. You've got to go to them. | ||
| You can't do it once a week. | ||
| Isn't there a Porsche driving experience? | ||
| Yeah, it's fantastic. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I went to M school. | ||
| We could do that. | ||
| That could be one of our things we do for a class. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| That'd be crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go, boys. | |
| It's really fun. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Are you allowed to use your own car or do you have to use their cars? | ||
| No. | ||
| So basically at the Porsche driving experience, they have one in Atlanta, they have the one here. | ||
| You sign up for a certain thing for that day. | ||
| So it's like turbos, GT3, you want to master the manual. | ||
| You pick a class and then that's your car for the experience, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then they have different tracks. | ||
| They have a bowl. | ||
| They have a slip disc kind of thing where the ground moves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I've heard of that. | ||
| If you want to feel like you can't drive, you get in the car. | ||
| They're pro drivers. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, I know how to drive. | ||
| And they're like, check out this shit. | ||
| You're like, yeah, I don't know how to drive. | ||
| I've only been doing it for like 25 years. | ||
| And you're like, I don't know how to drive. | ||
| Because they're fucking amazing drivers. | ||
| And then M School is like BMW's thing. | ||
| It's out towards Coachella. | ||
| That's fucking so fun. | ||
| And you get M2s, M3s, and M5s on different courses. | ||
| What we should do is to keep the competition alive. | ||
| But not make us go crazy about it. | ||
| Go for time? | ||
| Is do like two, three activities, like a driving, a shooting, or three different activities that none of us have previous experience in, and just straight competition. | ||
| See who's the best. | ||
| But the driving part, you're going to be hampered by your weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a lot of weight. | ||
| You get an extra four or five hundred pounds in that front seat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a big difference. | ||
| Where are you talking to me or Tom? | ||
| Kurth. | ||
| We could certainly do something like that. | ||
| We could also do something like that where... | ||
| I mean, we're doing this sober October, right? | ||
| This is our October. | ||
| Yeah, unless you have alcohol you want to bring in. | ||
| We could break this up, and we could do it at another time, too. | ||
| We don't have to do this just once a month. | ||
| Or once a year, rather. | ||
| We could do something else. | ||
| But it's one of the most fun things we do. | ||
| We could do, on top of being sober, we can do another thing on another month where it's just a racing month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds fun. | |
| And you don't have to be sober at all. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Fishing month. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You could do a fishing month. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The race thing you'll love, dude. | ||
| Fucking racing is awesome. | ||
| You've got to find a track somewhere. | ||
| The fascinating thing is like when they tell you. | ||
| I don't have that race trigger in my heart. | ||
| Oh, you say that. | ||
| Once you're in a race, feel it. | ||
| The thing that gives, like maybe you two, where you get confident behind the wheel, I start getting nervous, going, it's going to flip, it's going to flip. | ||
| If you believe the instructor, because they're so good, and they tell you, Like, no, no, no. | ||
| Like, hit the throttle up to this point where you go, that's way too late to be hitting the brake. | ||
| And they're like, let me show you how to... | ||
| And you actually see it. | ||
| Then you start to get the confidence to follow the instruction. | ||
| Well, Burks, you're going to panic when you realize how long 500 words is or 500 pages is. | ||
| Dude, when you said 500 pages, I panicked already. | ||
| 500 pages is a lot of pages. | ||
| That's like two mid-sized books. | ||
| You can't read a bullshit book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many is that? | |
| That's probably 310. Oh, I couldn't read this fucking portion of just words that don't mean anything to me. | ||
| How much is that? | ||
| I'm saying that's 310. The Quantum Worlds of the Emergence of Space. | ||
| Do you realize? | ||
| I would be like, I bet I couldn't understand the first sentence. | ||
| How many pages? | ||
| I listened to that book on audio and I had to go back over it multiple times. | ||
| Yeah, that's heady. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You need less hobbies, maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You do too much shit, man. | ||
| I get tired of thinking. | ||
| 315. How close was I? Pretty good. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm a different kind of crazy, though. | ||
| My kind of crazy needs other things. | ||
| Thinking about two quidbits, one belonging to Alice and the other belonging to Bob. | ||
| I don't even know what a quidbit is. | ||
| I'm lost. | ||
| I'm trying to explain it to you. | ||
| I mean, I look at your schedule and it gives me panic. | ||
| I have to piss. | ||
| Speaking of panic, you guys talk amongst yourselves. | ||
| Maybe take your drink with you. | ||
| Yeah, well, Bill Cosby over here. | ||
| I need to take advantage of you afterwards. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Yeah, we should have another month as a straight reading challenge. | ||
| Straight reading challenge? | ||
| Just for a month. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| What are the odds Joe goes back and listens to this? | ||
| Let's all just trash him for like fucking... | ||
| He'll never listen to it. | ||
| Oh, he's just playing in the... | ||
| Oh, you shouldn't have told me! | ||
| I told my bus driver that Tim Dillon's gay. | ||
| And because I was like, because you're going to meet him and you're not going to know. | ||
| And my bus driver's a little crass. | ||
| So I was like, I don't want, you know, I was just giving you a heads up. | ||
| And both Dave Williamson and Andrew, my cousin, the bus driver leaves and he goes, that's fucking a good prank. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| And they're like telling someone that he's gay when he's not gay. | ||
| I go, no, he really is gay. | ||
| And they're like, oh, for real? | ||
| We found out we could shit on my bus. | ||
| You just found that out? | ||
| Is it a new bus? | ||
| It's a grinder. | ||
| You can shit on the bus? | ||
| It grinds up the shit and puts it out? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's a game changer for the week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you can't shit on the bus, you have to stop somewhere. | |
| Also, what ends up happening is, you have two shows, you eat dinner at midnight, and you're like, alright, just go to bed, and then you have a fucking 4am. | ||
| I'm in the middle of the night. | ||
| Dude, first thing in the morning, you have hot wings at night. | ||
| You end up holding it for 40 minutes, you know, while you find a bathroom. | ||
| Leanne, we're driving through the Canadian Rockies, and Leanne pops up. | ||
| This is like her first day on the bus, and she's like, um, hey, where are the wipes at? | ||
| I'm like, what do you mean? | ||
| She goes, I'm gonna go take a dump. | ||
| And I was like, no, you're not allowed to shit on the bus. | ||
| She goes, oh, I'm shitting right now. | ||
| Like, I'm about to shit. | ||
| It's coming out like... | ||
| I'm going right now. | ||
| And I said, no, no, you can't. | ||
| You've got to go ask the driver to pull over. | ||
| We go out, and it's just mountains everywhere. | ||
| And he's like, I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| And I'm like, you're going to be shitting on the side of the road into the snow. | ||
| We found a fucking rest stop. | ||
| I go, that's a rest stop right there. | ||
| Pulled over. | ||
| So fucking beautiful. | ||
| So beautiful. | ||
| That's the other thing about the tour bus, is you see the country. | ||
| You do. | ||
| When you can shit, though, it changes your entire week. | ||
| Can you imagine how much fun it would have been if when you guys were touring with Joe, you guys had a tour bus? | ||
| That would be freaking fun. | ||
| You guys would have had the best times of your fucking lives. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll show you a video of my bus after this. | ||
| Do you think your bus is better than Bert's? | ||
| Without question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Hers was amazing. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm the tour bus champ. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| He can have it. | ||
| I gotta see yours. | ||
| This bus is ten times better. | ||
| Ten times better than that great bus? | ||
| It's the most state-of-the-art bus you can get. | ||
| So if it's not that, then it's... | ||
| Don't you have J-Lo's bus? | ||
| I did, yeah. | ||
| You did have J-Lo's bus? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you wrap it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck no. | |
| No, it's the dumbest thing in the world to wrap your bus! | ||
| You'd think I would wrap my bus. | ||
| I was like, I almost wrapped my bus with Tom. | ||
| I saw his bus on the outside of my hotel in Madison, and I went in there, I'm like, oh, well, I mean, obviously it's his. | ||
| I'm with Adrian. | ||
| And I'm just like, I knocked on the window, nothing, and then I just like opened the door and just walked in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, like, Dave, it's like, oh, I'm like, hi, my name's Ari, I'm a comedian, I know Bert. | ||
| And he's like, he's back there. | ||
| I just walked straight onto his bus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| It's so funny to see people, because Ari is a, the heightened version of Ari is in the In the atmosphere. | ||
| People hear stories about Ari, like him drugging people or whatever. | ||
| Rapist. | ||
| Therapist. | ||
| And so Dave met Ari for the first time. | ||
| And Ari's a very quiet person in real life. | ||
| People don't know that. | ||
| And he was like, what the fuck? | ||
| He's not that fucking savage that I hear about. | ||
| Just in moments. | ||
| By the way, for the bus thing though, I also at one point had the biggest piece of shit bus. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fuck this. | ||
| Do you like how I just automatically went from my glass? | ||
| So bombed October. | ||
| We're not... | ||
| With... | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| Gas money garage. | ||
| Shot glasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lighting a fire to sober October. | |
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ringing the bell? | |
| It's all right there. | ||
| It's the temptation. | ||
| Oh, you want the temptation? | ||
| We can start clanging. | ||
| We got ice. | ||
| We got shot glasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bird? | |
| What do you want to do? | ||
| Are you? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| I mean, I'll just put some ice in the glass. | ||
| Put some ice in that glass. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Ring that bell. | ||
| You can ring that bell right now. | ||
| I'll just have it in front of me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pour it in. | |
| Pour it in. | ||
| Smell it. | ||
| Dan Aykroyd gave us a massive speech on how good that vodka is. | ||
| That's his, huh? | ||
| Yeah, smell it, smell it. | ||
| Alright, if you take a little sip, I'm not going to be mad at you. | ||
| Damn, it smells better than Tito's. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| It's very good vodka. | ||
| He explained this process. | ||
| They use diamonds. | ||
| They actually have some sort of fucking diamonds that they use to filter it. | ||
| Let Bert smell it. | ||
| Smell it. | ||
| Just have some in front of you. | ||
| Guys, we can still do this challenge stuff. | ||
| Yeah, we can be sober for most of October. | ||
| Sober for January. | ||
| Just ease it up. | ||
| Ease it up a little bit. | ||
| It smells good, right? | ||
| It does. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| Dan Aykroyd gave me a hell of a sales pitch. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| Holy fucking shit. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He's someone I can't imagine doing coke with that guy. | ||
| He talks. | ||
| He talks. | ||
| Very good talker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've had some good podcasts lately. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He believes a lot of nonsense. | ||
| He does? | ||
| Oh my god, everything. | ||
| Channelers, psychics, fucking, you name it. | ||
| Alright, pull the trigger. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| He doesn't... | ||
| There's not a goddamn thing. | ||
| Let's all pour a glass. | ||
| Let's all pour a glass. | ||
| And we'll all put it to our lips, and we'll see if anyone opens their mouth. | ||
| And what happens when they do? | ||
| The month is over? | ||
| Is the month is over? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Can't you just keep going? | ||
| Yeah, you want to? | ||
| Can I have a little sip? | ||
| Can I have a sip? | ||
| That's what we're doing on the first. | ||
| This is more than 30 days left right now. | ||
| Yeah, there's 30 and one. | ||
| If we're only by the Mayan calendar, I don't think it's October yet. | ||
| It's already over. | ||
| We're all dead. | ||
| December 21st, 2012. Does that kombucha have alcohol in it? | ||
| Yeah, I'm already breaking them up. | ||
| Look, man. | ||
| Since the challenge isn't as intense, does the sobriety really matter? | ||
| Why do we even do the sobriety anymore? | ||
| We're calling it sober October. | ||
| So... | ||
| So bombed October. | ||
| Listen, the problem is Ari and I already got high earlier. | ||
| We were smoking cigars, and we both got a buzz. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| So it's over. | ||
| The sober part. | ||
| I think Ari and I cheated. | ||
| I think it should be over. | ||
| That's a... | ||
| I feel like we did it wrong. | ||
| I'm going to Europe. | ||
| How about... | ||
| You're going to Europe? | ||
| Why would you do that sober? | ||
| How about with every drink you take, you have to do an additional class? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| I love this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| My dick just got hard. | ||
| I'm going to get a fucking black belt in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Every drink is a class. | ||
| 30 days black belts. | ||
| So we've got to have someone come in November 1st. | ||
| He's like, I did 126 classes. | ||
| Every drink is a class. | ||
| I'm going to be fucking ripped. | ||
| I can't straighten my arms. | ||
| I want to tell you about quidbits. | ||
| Are we really doing this? | ||
| Every drink is a class. | ||
| You can start from zero with that. | ||
| Every drink is a class. | ||
| Every drink is an extra class. | ||
| Every drink is a class. | ||
| So I'm definitely going to have more than ten drinks. | ||
| Ten classes. | ||
| One night's going to fuck me. | ||
| You have 10 classes that you owe, period. | ||
| Then, if you drink, every drink is an additional class. | ||
| Wait, is it just a drink? | ||
| So if you have three drinks in a night, you owe three more classes. | ||
| So you have to do 13 classes? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| You'll never be able to get that many. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And a drink has to be a legit drink. | |
| It can't be like, oh, I just have a fucking beer stein full of $2. | ||
| It's my drink! | ||
| That's not what I sound like! | ||
| What about, like, does weed apply to the same thing? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Every time you take a hit, an extra class. | ||
| I mean, do you realize, just for one night of drinking, I would have to do two classes a day for the whole month. | ||
| There'd be no time. | ||
| You would never be able to. | ||
| You'd have to start from zero classes. | ||
| Two classes a day for the whole month. | ||
| What is one night of drinking? | ||
| Yeah, what is one night? | ||
| For real, right now? | ||
| I mean, if we're doing doubles... | ||
| All right, like, what's... | ||
| A double is one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For... | |
| Like, if I'm on the road, I'll have... | ||
| I'll bring a double on stage with me. | ||
| I'll have a double after the show. | ||
| I'll have a double at the bar. | ||
| I'll have a double in Boston when we're done. | ||
| So it's... | ||
| Eight. | ||
| Eight drinks. | ||
| Eight drinks. | ||
| So that would be fun. | ||
| Will that set you straight? | ||
| Will you be like, I'm straight right now? | ||
| Or like... | ||
| You thought the shakes would stop. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It would stop. | ||
| There's been times. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| There were times I couldn't use chopsticks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha. | |
| In Japan at the airport going, hey, can I get a sake bomb real quick? | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| I'm starving over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my gosh. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, what gets me is those long flights. | ||
| Because I drink on long flights. | ||
| That's what fucks me up. | ||
| Are you doing it? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Just smell it. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Add a glass. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| For every drink we do, we have to add a glass. | ||
| I would do it with starting from zero. | ||
| But that's not sober October. | ||
| That's not. | ||
| The thing is, is people listening to this, they're severely disappointed, first of all, in me, for bringing in shot glasses and ice. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| They're angry right now. | ||
| A lot of them I really look forward to doing this. | ||
| They're already angry at Ari. | ||
| Bert's the victim. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're a fucking rapist. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're very bad. | ||
| You might out-beat Bill Cosby as the number one comedian rapist. | ||
| You didn't like the Welch? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Wait till you see the nicknames coming your way. | ||
| There was a woman who was a... | ||
| She was talking about Bill Cosby. | ||
| She said he might be the biggest serial rapist in history. | ||
| Oh, easily. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Imagine, like, that guy. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| He's going to pee. | ||
| He's taking your thing with you. | ||
| Think about it when you're out there. | ||
| Think about what you want to do with your sobriety. | ||
| The problem with sobriety is... | ||
| I'm going to die if he comes in with a fucking 12-pack of beer going, come on, guys. | ||
| There's a lot of booze in that fridge out there. | ||
| You could do a class per drink, 50 pages per drink, one or the other. | ||
| Ooh, I like that. | ||
| Start at zero. | ||
| That means you could have two nights of drinking and drugs, and that's already like seven right there. | ||
| Yeah, 50 pages for a drink is a hefty price. | ||
| What's Xanax? | ||
| I want to take one of those today. | ||
| One class. | ||
| What does Xanax do for you? | ||
| Ever since the Mali, my panic has been fucking tweaked. | ||
| I think my serotonin's not back, so I've been having panic attacks. | ||
| You need to take 5-HTP. Did you try it? | ||
| No, you got some here. | ||
| Do we have any new mood? | ||
| 5-HTP. Can I tell you though, I get nervous taking anything. | ||
| Jamie's going to go to something. | ||
| I get nervous sometimes taking stuff. | ||
| Well, 5-HTP is just a nutrient. | ||
| It's all natural stuff, right? | ||
| That stuff really works. | ||
| Yes, it works. | ||
| When I get obsessive-compulsive, it turns it off. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, it really turns it off. | ||
| Like, sometimes I'll get repetitive in my head, and I'll just start saying the same thing over and over and over again, and it fucking makes me crazy. | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| When we were doing that Sober October thing, there you go. | ||
| 5-HTP? Take four of those. | ||
| Four? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Ari, do you want to put them in my drink for me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That's my only regret, is not bringing 5-HTP with me. | ||
| That'll ramp up your serotonin, though, for sure. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, take that with you. | ||
| Can I have it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you need more, let me know. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what it's called, but sometimes when I get obsessive composed, I say the same thing over and over in my head. | ||
| It's great when you're working on a joke, because you just start chewing a joke over and over and over again, but it fucking backfires sometimes. | ||
| Now, let me ask you this. | ||
| Last year when we were doing that crazy fitness shit, did that kill your chatter like Tommy and I were talking about? | ||
| Hot spin's killing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Why? | ||
| Because it's so aggressive. | ||
| I'm burning like 780 calories in a class. | ||
| It's an hour. | ||
| It's hot as shit, and your brain just doesn't work. | ||
| And then when I get out, my serotonin levels are so high. | ||
| I feel great, and I'm calm, and I can get through the day. | ||
| I really honestly tried calling you one time. | ||
| Because you'd always said that if you don't work out, then you'd go crazy. | ||
| And I started noticing that that working out was making me sane. | ||
| And I was like, I wanted to talk to you about that. | ||
| Not working out was making you sane? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no. | ||
| Not working out is making me insane. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| The workouts were making me insane. | ||
| That's why I started going to Hot Spin. | ||
| I need to be in a class. | ||
| I can't just go for a jog because it doesn't help right now. | ||
| Well, you've got to push it, too. | ||
| When you're going for a jog, you kind of can go at your own pace. | ||
| If you're in front of that instructor, the instructor's going, come on, let's go, girls. | ||
| What I do is I sign up for 5Ks on the road. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I forced my bus driver to run a 5K the other day. | ||
| It was the first time he ran. | ||
| It's awesome, man. | ||
| 5Ks, half marathons. | ||
| Marathons suck. | ||
| But those kind of things are so communal that you do them and you feel like a part of a community. | ||
| We ran through Des Moines. | ||
| It's gorgeous. | ||
| It is a trail run. | ||
| Damn, that's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking awesome. | |
| That's great. | ||
| Trail runs are great. | ||
| All the whole, we take the tour bus in, park it. | ||
| Everyone gets runs in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on? | |
| Are you taking drugs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we quit. | ||
| Oh, we didn't tell you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we all had a drink. | ||
| So take a big sip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quit. | |
| Four, Joe? | ||
| Four is like for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, four is good. | |
| Yeah, that's what I take. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| It's not going to do anything to you. | ||
| It's just nutrients. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's not going to fuck you up. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's 5-HTP. L-tryptophan, which also converts to 5-HTP. Let's see. | ||
| Here, put one in Lori's drink for me. | ||
| There's some vitamins and adaptogens and stuff in there, too. | ||
| It's all good for you. | ||
| It's all healthy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good mood. | |
| Yeah, that's a legit supplement. | ||
| That 5-HTP stuff is very legit. | ||
| It's really good for people that are dealing with serotonin issues. | ||
| Man, I was hurting with panic this week in the tour bus. | ||
| I couldn't shut it off. | ||
| The original name for New Mood was Roll On, Roll Off. | ||
| And the idea was Aubrey was a big partier. | ||
| And Aubrey developed some shit to come down from Mali. | ||
| So that's literally what New Mood was originally invented for. | ||
| And then we decided, you know, well, there's a lot of benefit to increasing your serotonin naturally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just really does help your mood. | ||
| I'm going to fly tonight. | ||
| Neil Brennan was a big 5-HTP proponent. | ||
| He actually couldn't take it with his meds because it was too much. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Where do you fly tonight? | ||
| I go to Dallas. | ||
| I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma City. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| San Antonio and then Houston, but I think they're all sold out. | ||
| Say what's up to G for me. | ||
| What is G? Garth. | ||
| Where's Garth at? | ||
| I think he has a nice big old, a couple places, but a big old ranch in Tulsa, yeah. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or outside of Tulsa. | ||
| Did you ever have a part of your career where you were, where, not where, where we are kind of in like, or did you just go from like clubs to like fucking massive theaters? | ||
| Well, Tommy and I were working together first. | ||
| We were doing clubs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were doing clubs all the time. | ||
| And that was like nine years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you just, you never did like, you just went to like fucking massive venues, right? | ||
| I did a lot of theaters, man. | ||
| It's all just grinding. | ||
| You went through the tears, I think. | ||
| Yeah, I went through all of it. | ||
| Yeah, I started at clubs. | ||
| I still do clubs to this day. | ||
| I still book weekends in clubs. | ||
| I'm thinking about moving to New York in December. | ||
| Why? | ||
| To work, I've got to come up with a new hour. | ||
| Why do you want to move to New York and pull your kids out of school? | ||
| No, no, just me. | ||
| Move to New York for like two weeks and just fucking do... | ||
| Two weeks, though. | ||
| Yeah, for two weeks. | ||
| Just go for two weeks and do spots like crazy. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And write. | ||
| You can do spots in L.A. and still see your family, bro. | ||
| Jesus, Bert. | ||
| I like shaking it up, Joe. | ||
| Shake it up. | ||
| Shake it up. | ||
| I've had that fantasy before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've had the exact same fantasy of doing that. | ||
| The fantasy came before Ari drugged me because I was like, oh, it'd be so great to be with Ari for two weeks and just go do spots with him, Big J. Get drugged. | ||
| It would be cool. | ||
| It would be cool. | ||
| But you're not friends anymore, so you can't do that. | ||
| And you can't have him over the house. | ||
| Do you know how much I love Ari? | ||
| That I have been damage control trying to take care of him in this? | ||
| I do appreciate that. | ||
| How do you take care of him? | ||
| By talking about it on a podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| There was a part where I was like, I'm not going to talk about it at all. | ||
| When I asked you why you're upset, you're like, wait, we'll talk about it on the podcast. | ||
| It's the first thing you said. | ||
| It's got to talk about it on the podcast. | ||
| During the weekend, I was like, I was worried about Ari. | ||
| And I was like, maybe I shouldn't bring this up because I don't think it's a good thing. | ||
| And I think Ari maybe regrets it. | ||
| He definitely doesn't. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| He does not regret it. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the real problem here, I think, is that I don't regret it. | ||
| I think that is a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I won't do it again, but I don't regret having done it that time. | ||
| Why do you not regret for real? | ||
| Why don't you regret doing it? | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Nothing bad happened, and it was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's alive. | |
| And his wife is mad at me again, but that's definitely not going to be the last time, or it's not the first time. | ||
| That is unfortunate, but worth it, I think. | ||
| Great time. | ||
| I would love to see the video of Burt, like, kind of him realizing it. | ||
| I have it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When you realize it's like kicking in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I remember. | ||
| I can't tell you. | ||
| I can't tell you. | ||
| I saw it today because I'm debating whether to release that podcast but I saw it and when I see it in my eyes I go back to that fucking moment where I'm like When you realize that. | ||
| You're out of control. | ||
| It's like getting strapped. | ||
| I remember getting strapped into one of the fucking hot rods. | ||
| The fucking jet-fueled ones. | ||
| And they strapped me in super tight. | ||
| And then they strapped my hands so I couldn't touch anything. | ||
| And I remember I couldn't get out. | ||
| And I had a panic attack. | ||
| And I said, I'm going to be here for a while. | ||
| And I was like, I need to get out right now. | ||
| I need to get out right now. | ||
| And I had to get out. | ||
| It was when I was doing a travel channel. | ||
| The second he gave that to me, I said, I can't get out of this. | ||
| That fucking panic. | ||
| I go, I can't fix this. | ||
| And then it overwhelmed me. | ||
| That's how I feel when I take mushrooms. | ||
| It overwhelmed me and I thought, what if I don't like this? | ||
| What if I don't enjoy this? | ||
| How do I stop this? | ||
| I can't stop it. | ||
| That's a fucking, that's a panic attack right there. | ||
| But, luckily, it was a very, it's, Molly's a really interesting drug. | ||
| It'll fight for you. | ||
| It'll be an advocate. | ||
| Molly was like, don't worry, your cousin's here, rub his back. | ||
| Can you do Molly, because you did that to him, do you think we could allow him to do Molly in October? | ||
| I would say okay. | ||
| Do you want to do it? | ||
| No, I'm not doing any Molly ever again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Ever? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| What about November 1st? | ||
| Dude, you should have seen... | ||
| Here's what sucked about it. | ||
| As soon as he gave it to me and I felt it kick in, I went, I don't want to do this podcast. | ||
| I want to go for a walk. | ||
| I want to go dance. | ||
| I want to listen to music. | ||
| I want my children and wife not to be here. | ||
| I want to not have to explain the situation to my wife. | ||
| I want to not have to be on a plane. | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe I would do Molly in the future if it was an awesome concert or something in Vegas or something cool. | ||
| Sounds awesome. | ||
| Right, like Britney Spears or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| That'd be dope. | ||
| Dude, I would do Molly and go to Britney Spears for the whole hell of a fucking show. | ||
| You remember all the lyrics to all the songs from before? | ||
| You better work, bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd go see Taylor Swift. | ||
| The best was, so I started dancing a little bit, because I knew what I was taking, so it was like embracing, kicking it in. | ||
| And he just goes out of the blue, are you on Molly right now? | ||
| And I just go, are you? | ||
| And then we just get, he was like, I don't know what that was. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How often do you do it? | ||
| I do it when it's the right time. | ||
| I went to see Mighty Mighty Ballstones in New York at Webster Hall. | ||
| I did it that night. | ||
| You know you're an adult, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing Molly for? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You know why. | ||
| Because it feels good. | ||
| It feels great. | ||
| First of all, his balls don't work, so he can't make babies. | ||
| He had them snipped. | ||
| I did have my balls snipped off. | ||
| He doesn't have real responsibilities. | ||
| None. | ||
| I think if you have more... | ||
| In the right moment, you don't do it all the time. | ||
| Just in the right music show. | ||
| How often is that? | ||
| Probably three times a year, four times a year. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Festivals, occasional birthdays. | ||
| Maybe twice a year. | ||
| Twice a year you do coke? | ||
| I'm not that into coke. | ||
| Coke's awesome. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's just when it's around, that's all anybody's doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was real emotion behind that. | |
| Yeah? | ||
| When was the last time you did it? | ||
| It's been a long time. | ||
| I did it on accident one night. | ||
| Accident? | ||
| Yeah, my buddies had that bullet where you'd load it and then flip it and they'd have a little bump for you and you could hit it. | ||
| And they couldn't figure out how to work it. | ||
| And I'm watching them. | ||
| I was getting ready to go to a spot. | ||
| It was when I was in New York. | ||
| I was watching. | ||
| I go, guys, you're doing it wrong. | ||
| Give me the fucking thing. | ||
| I go, you take it, right? | ||
| Then you load it. | ||
| Then we hit it. | ||
| You got to hit it. | ||
| And I went, oh my god, I just did coke! | ||
| And they were like, oh, what are you going to do? | ||
| I was like, the other fucking nostril. | ||
| I don't want my face to be numb. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| I used to do coke a lot in New York. | ||
| And then you went on stage? | ||
| And destroyed. | ||
| Joey says that Coke fucks his comedy up. | ||
| I thought he said it made him good. | ||
| He might go a little deeper than a bump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey said that Coke takes away your heart. | |
| Takes away the heart. | ||
| Imagine him, though, if you go, like, let's really do some Coke tonight. | ||
| It's not a line. | ||
| It's probably just the whole bag, man. | ||
| Yeah, the machine gun comes out. | ||
| He goes crazy, man. | ||
| I would love to get on... | ||
| What's this thing all the people take? | ||
| Adderall? | ||
| Oxycontin? | ||
| Adderall. | ||
| The Speed. | ||
| Yeah, the Speed. | ||
| That stuff, man. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| Very, very addictive. | ||
| It is out of this fucking world. | ||
| How often do you do that? | ||
| I've done it a few times, but not recently. | ||
| I went down a YouTube rabbit hole the other day watching stories where people were talking about what Adderall did to them, what it was like when they were addicted to Adderall. | ||
| They thought the whole world was against them. | ||
| They thought they were on top of everything. | ||
| That they were super competent. | ||
| They were capable of anything. | ||
| They had unstoppable confidence. | ||
| They wouldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| But everyone was against them. | ||
| This was being prescribed to a lot of people, right? | ||
| Yes, constantly. | ||
| Kids. | ||
| A lot of people are on it. | ||
| You get shit done. | ||
| You get shit done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did I hit the fucking mic cord? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a spooky drug, though. | ||
| First of all, journalists. | ||
| I have a buddy of mine who's a writer who says almost all journalists are on it. | ||
| Oh, it's so easy to write on? | ||
| Yeah, they're just on it constantly. | ||
| I took it when I was writing my book. | ||
| But it changes who you are as a person. | ||
| It fucks with your head. | ||
| College admissions have started, a lot of them, adding in the application. | ||
| Are you on Adderall? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You gotta lie. | ||
| No, because sometimes there's a... | ||
| I talked to a doctor who said that I have to sign off on some of these things. | ||
| Where they'll ask me to fill out this form. | ||
| Do I prescribe this to this person? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is fucking super common, man. | ||
| It's super common on Wall Street. | ||
| It's super common with people that are trying to get things done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should do it. | ||
| We should do it for the month. | ||
| Ooh, let's all just do it all for the month. | ||
| I could fucking really get into that. | ||
| It'd be a really hard time to get off that stuff, though. | ||
| Yeah, so that'll be the next thing. | ||
| That'll be the challenge. | ||
| Who gets off at first? | ||
| So are we really going to add that for every drink you just had a class? | ||
| I think it's a good idea. | ||
| A drink or a drug or a shot, whatever. | ||
| One of the things. | ||
| You have so many IOUs. | ||
| I would have to do 80 classes. | ||
| How about for a night of drinking? | ||
| It's out of class. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Start at 10. You go nuts in a night. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That's too easy. | ||
| That's too easy. | ||
| It's Sober October. | ||
| We're supposed to be sober. | ||
| Just be sober. | ||
| You guys love yourself. | ||
| But Ari and I already smoked a cigar. | ||
| We did already smoke a cigar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's kind of over. | |
| That's permitted. | ||
| Guys, a cigar's fine. | ||
| That's how I'm planning on getting through the month. | ||
| We were pretty high. | ||
| We got silly. | ||
| I know, but cigars are fine. | ||
| We gotta allow cigars. | ||
| I'm starting smoking for this month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cigarettes? | |
| You would be a fucking mess! | ||
| You ever smoke a cigarette before you go on stage? | ||
| I would love... | ||
| I took one of Hinchcliffe's cigarettes once before I went on stage, and I stole one of Chappelle's too. | ||
| He gave me a cigarette before I went on stage. | ||
| It gives you a buzz, man. | ||
| You hate cigarettes, though. | ||
| Well, I hate anything that's bad for you. | ||
| But the cigarette does give you an interesting buzz. | ||
| It is a buzz. | ||
| Me and Big Jay did one of my podcasts. | ||
| We talked about smoking. | ||
| And it was just like... | ||
| So awesome. | ||
| Headbrush. | ||
| I would love a cigarette right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| You gotta get into cigarettes, dude. | ||
| You know who started smoking cigarettes? | ||
| Like, regularly smoking cigarettes late in life is DePaulo. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He started? | |
| Like when he was 50. That's really where he started. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Do you know Maren was addicted to the lozenges? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was getting to the point where he couldn't see and getting physically ill. | ||
| He was eating so many. | ||
| He'd wake up and they'd go to sleep with him in his mouth. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Is he off now? | ||
| Is he off now? | ||
| Yeah, he's off. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I think he's got like 14 days off in lozenges. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What a fucking dumb thing to be addicted to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking dork. | |
| He must have been really into his nicotine, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a dork. | |
| I think he was really into nicotine. | ||
| Get off these chewing gums, fucking idiot. | ||
| Get a fucking hobby. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He's 60 years old. | ||
| He can't get off gum. | ||
| It must be good, man. | ||
| I didn't say it was nicotine gum, right? | ||
| I said it was nicotine lozenges, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I tried the gum because I wanted to see if it gives you the same head brush. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| No. | ||
| I tried Snus in Stockholm, the packets you put on your side. | ||
| Oh, it gives you the buzz! | ||
| That buzz is better than anything. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It makes you feel like there's a gun. | ||
| I remember the dip buzz was fucking intense. | ||
| Oh, I could really get into dipping. | ||
| Dipping can give you a buzz. | ||
| And that burn starts to feel good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we dip this month? | |
| Yeah! | ||
| Yeah, should we start dipping? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you like how much? | ||
| Do you like how white knuckling we're getting into this one? | ||
| We've all been here before? | ||
| You can chew. | ||
| You can smoke cigars. | ||
| You can dip. | ||
| You can smoke cigarettes. | ||
| I'm going to be getting into cigarettes. | ||
| I feel like we're not sober. | ||
| How about just socially drinking? | ||
| You just can't do it alone. | ||
| Well, what does that mean? | ||
| I mean, Bert's on stage in front of 2,000 people. | ||
| That's social. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I didn't consider that, but you're right. | ||
| I think if you do anything with a needle, it should be permitted, just because it's kind of high risk, and you deserve a little bit for taking the risk. | ||
| If we do anal chugs, where you drink the booze out of your pocket, and you just absorb tampons. | ||
| Oh, oh, oh. | ||
| I need to tell you this. | ||
| A friend of mine, his wife is a teacher, and they have a problem in school with middle school kids who are taking tampons, and they're dipping Dude. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Tampons. | ||
| Rubbing alcohol. | ||
| In your asshole. | ||
| In your asshole. | ||
| Apparently you just get blitzkrieg. | ||
| That sounds great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can just stop and swap it in the plate glass windows. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| You're just sitting there in class getting fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine with your fucking swollen asshole what that would do? | |
| With a tampon. | ||
| I'll go and take it. | ||
| A tampon up your asshole with rubbing alcohol. | ||
| Let's see if we can just get a tampon up your asshole first. | ||
| I bet you could do it. | ||
| I have faith in you. | ||
| Get me a tampon. | ||
| I'll try it. | ||
| You went through two different years of going a whole month with no booze. | ||
| I know how he works. | ||
| Bert, I bet you can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| There's no way you could get a tampon in your asshole. | ||
| Guys, there's six tampons in my asshole. | ||
| Six tampons in my asshole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look, if you look, it looks like a squid. | |
| I have a tampon for each one of my family members. | ||
| Initial results say that this is an urban legend, but there are apparently medical cases that are happening. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is my friend's wife, who is a fucking school teacher. | ||
| They have interventions on these kids. | ||
| There's articles going back for 10 years saying kids have been doing this. | ||
| Yeah, I remember a long time ago. | ||
| Dude, talk about having to break that from your kid going, hey, pull your pants down. | ||
| Did you ever anal chug? | ||
| Did you ever do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did? | |
| I thought it was just vodka. | ||
| We did anal chugs in college and it was like for a fraternity where you do a handstand, pour a beer in a dude's asshole, and then catch it in a cup and then you drink it. | ||
| You drink it out of a dude's asshole. | ||
| Fucking doofus. | ||
| ATO for life. | ||
| Oh my god, you fucking dickwads. | ||
| That's really gay. | ||
| That's really gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So stupid. | |
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| You drank beer out of another man's house. | ||
| I'm talking about ingesting. | ||
| What kind of cleaning did you do of this person's asshole first? | ||
|
unidentified
|
None. | |
| On the floor afterwards. | ||
| All you had to hear was one person go, anal chug. | ||
| And you're like, looks like we're drinking out of each other assholes, boy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wait, you never though ingested through your asshole? | ||
| No, I've never ingested. | ||
| No, I chugged it out of someone else's asshole. | ||
| No, that's fucking, that's disgusting. | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| I'm talking about ingesting it, you can get way drunker. | ||
| Did you see things floating around your beer? | ||
| Dingleberries? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't examine it, you just murdered it. | |
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| How about if we can drink beer if we only do anal chugs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God! | |
| Only if you're Josh Martin's asshole. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Only Josh. | ||
| Anal chug. | ||
| Or you'd do an anal chug. | ||
| If you have one ready to go, if it was the first to break Sober October, for sure, I would do an anal chug. | ||
| If you have a sip of that, I will do an anal chug. | ||
| Okay, let's talk about this. | ||
| What are the benefits of being sober this month? | ||
| What are the benefits? | ||
| Lack of a relationship with your wife? | ||
| I'm gone the whole month. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm gone the whole month. | ||
| I had already picked up hobbies I was going to do in Florida. | ||
| Spearfishing, surfing. | ||
| Like, I was gonna do classes. | ||
| Spearfishing's supposed to be awesome. | ||
| I wanted to get into spearfishing so bad. | ||
| Do a spearfishing class? | ||
| Yeah, my friend Steve Rinella just started doing it. | ||
| And he's like, why have I been wasting my time? | ||
| It looks cool as fuck. | ||
| It's supposed to be amazing. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Valentin Thomas. | ||
| Valentin Thomas is a badass. | ||
| And she's like, she's not just, but like, she actually was like surviving off of it. | ||
| Bro, she was a lawyer. | ||
| Yeah, that's amazing. | ||
| And she decided I don't want to do this anymore. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| She just travels the world and spearfishes. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| When somebody's like, I'm not doing this anymore. | ||
| I'm successful and I don't care. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I just said Kimmy Warner on my podcast. | ||
| You know what else she likes? | ||
| Drinking. | ||
| Really? | ||
| All right, let's get back to this then, Joe. | ||
| Let's get back to drinking. | ||
| Joe, pull the plug. | ||
| Who'd you have? | ||
| Kimmy who? | ||
| Kimmy Warner. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| She's a spearfisherman. | ||
| She was on a Netflix documentary about the ocean, and I got obsessed with her spearfishing videos. | ||
| She goes down to 100 feet and chills. | ||
| Are you going to do it? | ||
| With no air. | ||
| No air. | ||
| Just no air goes down. | ||
| And she was telling me that she just decided to get into it. | ||
| She was a chef and she wasn't having fun. | ||
| So she got into it. | ||
| Just one day bought a spear thing. | ||
| Just swam out. | ||
| And just was like, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| But she was so out of her comfort zone. | ||
| And then she killed a fish. | ||
| And she came and she felt so proud. | ||
| She was like, I'm obsessed. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I dropped everything. | ||
| And then she went to the spear fishing championships in Nantucket. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So she goes to Nantucka. | ||
| She's never been away from Hawaii. | ||
| And she gets out there and the water is black. | ||
| And she starts swimming down and she can't see anything. | ||
| And they're like, trust me, if you get down to the bottom 10 feet, it clears up because all the muscle's on the ground. | ||
| And she couldn't get down to the bottom. | ||
| She kept getting panic attacks. | ||
| Popping up going like, I can't do it, I can't do it. | ||
| So the first day she didn't get anything and she's like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm not going to be beaten by the ocean. | ||
| Dives down, gets down, and it's clear as shit. | ||
| She's like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Dude, I don't know if I could do that. | ||
| Spear fishing would have to be in a beautiful place. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a Hawaii thing, right? | ||
| Yeah, Hawaii. | ||
| Seems like the Keys. | ||
| We're going to do it in Fort Myers. | ||
| They do it a lot in Northern California, but they have issues with sharks. | ||
| Dude, I'm... | ||
| One guy on Ranella's podcast was talking about as he got to the top of the boat, there was a giant boil behind him, and his friends saw this huge fucking great white shark that had come up to try to bite him and then realized last minute that he wasn't a SEAL. Oh my god. | ||
| A giant boil? | ||
| Yeah, like water boil. | ||
| Is that Kimmy? | ||
| She's got a shot with her and a great white shark. | ||
| Kimmy Warner, a great white shark. | ||
| And you're just like, yeah, check this out. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| She's pregnant now. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What did you do, Bert? | ||
| No, she's married. | ||
| Did you give her Molly? | ||
| Swimmers. | ||
| He jerked off in the water with her. | ||
| That's how it works. | ||
| Jesus, is that her? | ||
| That's her. | ||
| Holding onto a great white shark. | ||
| Holding onto the fin. | ||
| No thanks. | ||
| I'd shoot that thing right in the brain. | ||
| Right from behind. | ||
| Great white sharks, I've been in the water with them a bunch. | ||
| And they move so fucking intensely. | ||
| Their intent is almost like when you watch a cage fighter move quick and you can't... | ||
| I don't know how to stop that. | ||
| That's how great white sharks are. | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| They take a right so quick, it's mind-boggling. | ||
| And you're like, oh, I definitely couldn't defend myself against that thing. | ||
| Remember when people used to kill sharks and everybody was excited? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now you're a monster. | ||
| It's all that shark fin soup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is so good. | |
| I like night diving in Australia. | ||
| Shark fin soup is so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No, I've never had it. | ||
| I had it once. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, a long time ago. | ||
| I had it at a Chinese restaurant. | ||
| I remember ordering that. | ||
| It was before all the hubbub. | ||
| It was before this big, all the bullshit about sharks. | ||
| Shane Gillis. | ||
| Well, it was before everybody was killing them and it was like a big thing in the news. | ||
| I just thought it was like some shit you bought and was made out of shark's fins. | ||
| I didn't know they cut the fins off and then throw the fish back. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| It's such a dick move. | ||
| It's a dick move. | ||
| Just use it. | ||
| Use the rest. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| The money is in the fins, and they don't give a fuck about that animal's life. | ||
| And they really value that shark fin soup. | ||
| It's super expensive. | ||
| That's dark, but you know what the darkest shit is? | ||
| Rhino horn. | ||
| That's the darkest shit, because that doesn't even do anything. | ||
| At least shark fin soup, you're actually eating something. | ||
| But this part of the thing of it is the fact that it's an exclusive delicacy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the rhino horn in some Asian cultures, it doesn't do anything to you. | ||
| It's supposed to give you a hard on, but we all know that there's other stuff that works better than that. | ||
| But the rhino horn, what it does do is it symbolizes your wealth and opulence that you can afford to drink rhino horn tea. | ||
| Oh, that's fucked up. | ||
| It's great, but it's super fucking popular still. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Still, rhinos are murdered every day for their fucking horns. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| And elephants too, right? | ||
| Elephants is a big thing. | ||
| Well, the elephant's for ivory though, which is more like for pretty things. | ||
| But with rhino horns, they chop their fucking horns off in these reserves. | ||
| They'll trank them and chop their horns off so that they're not worth anything. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Who does it? | ||
| The conservationists? | ||
| The fucking conservationists will chop their goddamn horns off so that people don't kill them. | ||
| And don't they also dye their horns, right? | ||
| So it looks like they're already gone? | ||
| No, they dye their horns, I think. | ||
| I thought maybe they were doing that with tusks. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe they do that with tusks. | ||
| What does the dye do? | ||
| It makes it not as valuable. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm sure I'm mixing up stories. | ||
| Yeah, so what is it? | ||
| Yeah, it makes sense. | ||
| They dye them pink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Yeah, so they're like, oh, I don't want to be gay. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to get a hard dick. | ||
| That's all I'm doing over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gay tusk. | |
| Gay tusk in my butt. | ||
| What drugs can't we do? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Except for the alcohol that's in his kombucha. | ||
| You can smoke cigars because you guys smoke cigars. | ||
| So we can drink alcoholic kombucha. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Tell us we're done. | ||
| Or we can put vodka in kombucha. | ||
| Ari and I were saying, while we're doing it, I hope they tell us it's over. | ||
| It's just down between you two. | ||
| So then it's me and Tom going for the belt. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I guess Ari and I are out. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I'm going to still try to do their classes, but if I'm out, I'm still going to wear my whoop belt. | ||
| I'm still going to run. | ||
| Yeah, go ahead, guys. | ||
| Have some booze. | ||
| You already poured a glass. | ||
| You're both out. | ||
| It's me and Tom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you? | |
| Yeah, I guess we fucked up. | ||
| Sorry, guys. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Super disappointing. | ||
| What is a shot glass? | ||
| A little closer. | ||
| Do you remember selling shot glass? | ||
| Do you guys ever sell shot glass on the road? | ||
| No. | ||
| What a dumb thing to buy, right? | ||
| You definitely should. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These are gas monkey garage. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out what this is. | ||
| These are gas monkey garage. | ||
| Sell the fuck out of them, too. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| You would, but it's such a dumb... | ||
| You don't need shot glass for your house. | ||
| You just use a glass. | ||
| No, I know, but people, you know... | ||
| No, yeah, you do. | ||
| If you're doing sake bombs... | ||
| They want a portion-controlled shot. | ||
| Like Ari and I are about to do right now. | ||
| Do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it, do it. | |
| Let's see it. | ||
| Be your own man. | ||
| Describe how good... | ||
| We did have the cigars, but you guys can't have cigars. | ||
| By the way, this would make me so fucking happy. | ||
| Would it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We just tapped out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll still do the challenge. | ||
| I mean, I'll still try to do the challenges with you. | ||
| Why would it make you happy, Bert? | ||
| Couldn't have known we failed and you did not? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Where's that build at? | ||
| It's over there. | ||
| Go look at it. | ||
| You'll never own it. | ||
| Go look at it. | ||
| Shut up, Bert. | ||
| He's gonna put it on. | ||
| It's heavy. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, look at that, Bert. | ||
| I almost caught my fucking neck. | ||
| I could see Bert doing, like, extra classes. | ||
| Will that even fit you? | ||
| No. | ||
| You want a hand? | ||
| Oh, it'll fit. | ||
| Come sit down. | ||
| Come sit down with that beautiful belt on. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Look at you Bert. | ||
| You guys take a shot and watch Tom and I go fucking toe-to-toe. | ||
| If we did back out right now and Ari and I just decided to just stop this foolish, childish game and just better ourselves for the month, I mean, Ari and I are not alcoholics. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, neither are Tom and I. Keep going. | ||
| Keep what you're saying. | ||
| I mean, but Ari and I don't even have a problem drinking. | ||
| I think you'd admit, at the very least, you have a bit of a problem. | ||
| I don't have a problem. | ||
| Don't you have a fatty liver? | ||
| No. | ||
| My liver's perfect now. | ||
| Instantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can tell. | |
| Two weeks of fucking hot spin classes. | ||
| His liver's perfect. | ||
| So what were you trying to say though, Joe? | ||
| Oh, I was trying to say. | ||
| You and I can just better ourselves this month. | ||
| We can just better ourselves. | ||
| And we could go to dinner with our ladies and just have a nice glass of wine like a gentleman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A couple nights where you go for it. | ||
| Have a beer with a hot dog. | ||
| It's a nice thing to have. | ||
| Mostly chill it up. | ||
| When you're at a Yankee game, drink some beers with the guys. | ||
| Or wouldn't it feel so much better if you went the whole month without it? | ||
| And then at the end, then you could really appreciate it. | ||
| How do you even win it this month? | ||
| How do you win it? | ||
| Just beating you. | ||
| How would you beat me? | ||
| By winning? | ||
| Well, how about me and Ari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Winning what? | |
| How about me and Ari will back out, and you two just go to town against each other? | ||
| But wait, how are we going to town, though? | ||
| Most sobriety, most classes. | ||
| If Ari and I did, just decided to do shots. | ||
| Most sobriety, most classes. | ||
| Most sobriety. | ||
| So who could be so... | ||
| You're tied for sobriety. | ||
| You're definitely tied for sobriety. | ||
| No. | ||
| Tom can be sober easy. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Yeah, Tom's fucking dead inside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dead inside. | |
| No, it's not dead. | ||
| He's got no feelings. | ||
| What's your resting heart rate from when you're asleep? | ||
| Did you see? | ||
| No, I haven't seen. | ||
| What's yours? | ||
| Oh, Tom's is like 32. He's 35. What does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Low? | |
| That means you're fit. | ||
| It means his heart has a really hard time getting up. | ||
| It means that if I lose 40 pounds, I might be the most dynamic endurance athlete alive. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Run a marathon with me. | ||
| You'd be a fucking animal. | ||
| No, but that's really low, man. | ||
| Did you see yours? | ||
| Where does it show? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where does it show it? | ||
| My resting heart rate, I think, I can just tell it on my watch, too. | ||
| No, no, no, but when you sleep, it's like your true... | ||
| It was 130. 130 is mine. | ||
| 130. I've got a really high heart rate today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see. | |
| By the way... | ||
| Where does it show it? | ||
| Why is this thing... | ||
| It's our IQ. I think my app froze. | ||
| Um... | ||
| If we did back out, what would you guys do? | ||
| How would you guys work things out? | ||
| I'd just beat Tom. | ||
| You would just beat Tom doing what, though? | ||
| You're not explaining how you're going to win. | ||
| More classes than him? | ||
| More classes, more books. | ||
| Maybe not more books. | ||
| More classes, more books. | ||
| I'll take more dynamic classes. | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| The higher level of class. | ||
| I'll take more. | ||
| I'll do not just hot spin. | ||
| I'm going to do karate. | ||
| Spanish. | ||
| I'm going to do the weirdest classes. | ||
| Transcendental meditation. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think if you do more classes than Tom, you would win. | ||
| The belt. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now, you guys are not getting out of this. | ||
| You're not out. | ||
| No, go ahead and drink it. | ||
| Drinking it. | ||
| I don't really want to drink right now. | ||
| I wouldn't have a drink if I wasn't tempted. | ||
| For this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But every minute that we don't drink, it makes it more of a waste to not have just drank it already. | ||
| Where the fuck do you find your resting heartbreak? | ||
| I just saw it when I woke up, and now I don't see it, so I don't know where it is. | ||
| Is it under strain, Coach? | ||
| Ari Shapiro Ju coming to Chicago in November and San Jose as well, Nashville, Texas. | ||
| This is so detailed. | ||
| It's so interesting how much shit this thing tells you. | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| Sober October Internal. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A group? | |
| That's something in our app? | ||
| Wow, we have a group app. | ||
| Did you see this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They've set it up for us. | ||
| If you go to Sober October... | ||
| So how do we know mine is connected? | ||
| No, yours isn't connected yet. | ||
| It just shows Bert and Tom. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Wait, where do I see this? | ||
| I want to see this, Joe. | ||
| I see it now. | ||
| I see your resting heart rate. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| It's in that thing. | ||
| You slide over. | ||
| Which thing? | ||
| You go... | ||
| Which one? | ||
| I don't know how to explain it, man. | ||
| It says RHR, resting heart rate. | ||
| But where do you see it? | ||
| I mean, within that internal thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I'm there, and then... | ||
| But is it under strain coach? | ||
| No, swipe, swipe. | ||
| Like, swipe over a page. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| See? | ||
| And then it says recovery HRV. Well, my resting heart rate's 27. What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| HRV? Sleep performance, 71%. | ||
| No, that's not right. | ||
| My heart rate's on 27. No, it's not. | ||
| It's not 27, Joe. | ||
| Mine says that your resting heart rate is 65. Oh, mine says 61. Mine's 66. Yours says 78 on mine. | ||
| Oh, you can see it on other people's? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| How are you getting into the group thing? | ||
| Mine says 61 to 74. That's the range, but I guess it's giving me your... | ||
| How come it's not showing me? | ||
| Ooh, Sobrock Toner. | ||
| Oktomer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oktomer? | |
| What? | ||
| Burt Kreischer. | ||
| So I'm winning right now. | ||
| You're winning by being more fucked up than us. | ||
| 12.8. | ||
| I've burned 2,100 calories. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but that's just moving your feet. | ||
| No, that's a hot spin this morning. | ||
| Dun, dun, dun. | ||
| Yeah, today I took the day off. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't do shit that. | ||
| I haven't done anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I'm ahead. | ||
| So you're winning. | ||
| You're winning. | ||
| How's that belt feel? | ||
| One last thing though. | ||
| Is there seriously, like if we're all doing what we agreed to do, how can someone win? | ||
| I think if we do extra classes. | ||
| Extra classes? | ||
| Well, I mean... | ||
| That's going to trigger that fucking... | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| If you want to pull out the fucking, open the psycho door... | ||
| I don't want to open your psycho door. | ||
| I actually think last year you actually stopped liking me. | ||
| What? | ||
| Halfway through, I think I was bothering you. | ||
| I don't think he ever liked you. | ||
| So I don't want to open up this psycho thing. | ||
| What makes you think that? | ||
| You would look at me weird when you'd see me? | ||
| You'd look at me out of the side of your eye? | ||
| That's competition, sir. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't like that. | ||
| I don't think we should do whoever does the extra classes. | ||
| It's just going to piss everybody off again. | ||
| It's going to piss the wives off for sure. | ||
| Big time. | ||
| It's going to be a real problem. | ||
| And look, we already all have crazy travel schedules and stuff. | ||
| We don't have to do that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's go extra classes. | ||
| So how can you win? | ||
| More pages. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| That's what I meant. | ||
| I'm just throwing it out there. | ||
| How can you win? | ||
| But the problem is, if there's a way to win, I'm going to try to win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't even just put it to the side. | |
| Nope, I don't think so. | ||
| What if we made a caveat? | ||
| What's a caveat? | ||
| Sober October winner doesn't have to defend his belt. | ||
| And that way you'll try really hard? | ||
| And that way we can get Joe out of this. | ||
| Doesn't have to defend the belt. | ||
| It's like the... | ||
| But then you lose the belt. | ||
| But you win a new belt every year. | ||
| Yeah, well, make the bad motherfucker belts. | ||
| I'd want a stack of belts. | ||
| Yeah, you'd want to get a belt again. | ||
| Otherwise, you're just out of the competition for a belt. | ||
| I'd want all the belts. | ||
| I don't want anybody to win. | ||
| I wish we could have that caveat of a drink in class, because I would love a drink before I get on my plane tonight. | ||
| You could have a drink. | ||
| You could have a drink. | ||
| Guys, we shouldn't be doing the drinking part. | ||
| We should save that for January. | ||
| Why January? | ||
| Because nothing's happening in January. | ||
| I think we should just... | ||
| The thing is, this is a problem. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| We have got a bunch of other assholes that we don't even know invested in our little thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So let them come with us to drunk town. | ||
| Who wouldn't even be upset with us if we just started drinking a little bit but still trained? | ||
| We could measure what days we're drinking and doing ketamine and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, we could have a real problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ketamine! | |
| If we could stay sober and just eat edibles for the month, that works. | ||
| How about you pick your drug? | ||
| Well, sober used to mean alcohol. | ||
| It said used to mean just alcohol. | ||
| Used to mean alcohol. | ||
| Let's just stay alcohol free and then see whatever happens. | ||
| That's my thing! | ||
| Just alcohol free. | ||
| Yeah, but you're the one who got us into it. | ||
| That's my thing! | ||
| Just alcohol free. | ||
| We gotta wrap this podcast up soon. | ||
| It's almost 5 o'clock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I don't know. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I gotta meet. | ||
| Ari and I have a show tonight. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| Comedy store. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Comedy store. | ||
| Restaurant and nightclub. | ||
| Sold out. | ||
| Chicken wings. | ||
| Are fresh-ish. | ||
| They're not even wings. | ||
| They're like tenders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is very, very questionable. | ||
| They're not that tender. | ||
| Whenever you get a tender, like, where is it from? | ||
| Like, what part of the bird is the tender part? | ||
| So then let's... | ||
| Let's get this solidified so we are all aware. | ||
| 10 classes, 500 pages. | ||
| We all are in agreement with this. | ||
| And edibles under 20 milligrams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| And edibles under 20 milligrams. | ||
| And Xanax and Ambien. | ||
| Just no alcohol. | ||
| No alcohol. | ||
| Sober. | ||
| No alcohol. | ||
| If you want to do edibles under 20 milligrams, I'm in. | ||
| Sober. | ||
| No alcohol. | ||
| Does it help you sleep? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is that what you need it for? | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| Well, I don't want you to not get sleep, bro. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| Thanks, guys. | ||
| I want you to be healthy. | ||
| I'd like this fucking thing to monitor good sleep. | ||
| I don't mind edibles. | ||
| I won't use them, but I don't mind giving you guys edibles if you need that to get through sobriety. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| No, I mean, I'm serious. | ||
| I don't really give a fuck. | ||
| I won't eat edibles. | ||
| I'm afraid. | ||
| Well, I'm not... | ||
| Did you tell your doctor, though, that you're going to dial back drinking to get through the month? | ||
| Because if you do it cold turkey, you can get really sick. | ||
| You can get sick. | ||
| No, but you already proved it. | ||
| You can go to the hospital for that. | ||
| He's done this before. | ||
| I've done this before. | ||
| I've not drank a lot, guys. | ||
| He's done it before. | ||
| He did it the last two years. | ||
| Yeah, but you always had medical supervision. | ||
| Yeah, but he's getting older, too. | ||
| What? | ||
| I never had medical supervision. | ||
| To dial back drinking? | ||
| Yeah, just stop. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
| Hey, you know, this is our fourth year of this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fourth? | ||
| I thought third. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you lost the weight in 2016. First year was a weight loss challenge. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And then we had two years of Sober October. | ||
| This is our fourth year of doing something crazy. | ||
| Give me a weight limit. | ||
| Give me a weight limit. | ||
| If I get to it, I get to the belt. | ||
| 205. 205. I get to 205 by the end of October. | ||
| But you've got to be legit 205. I'll do a hydration test on you. | ||
| Yeah, not a water cut. | ||
| I'll bring in one FC. We're bringing the 1FC Championship people to do a fucking hydration shift. | ||
| I think even if he cuts, I mean, how to get to 205 would be a miracle. | ||
| That would be amazing. | ||
| I'll tell you that right now. | ||
| Even if you cut seven pounds at the end. | ||
| I would even compliment you. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| There is no competition. | ||
| However, if you get to 205, you could hold on to that belt for a year. | ||
| Hold on to it because I'm the champ. | ||
| You're the champ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if you don't get there, I get to 205. A legit 205. Yeah. | |
| I'd say any 205. And if you don't get there, you have to go to therapy for a year to talk about your weight loss. | ||
| Hey, fuckface, guess what? | ||
| I'm back in therapy. | ||
| I'm back in therapy because of you, you cunt. | ||
| You're already in. | ||
| I've been out of therapy and then this fucking happens and I had to talk to my therapist. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Fucking jackass. | ||
| What'd they tell you? | ||
| You've been avoiding stuff? | ||
| I feel healthier when I'm around you guys. | ||
| I feel like I've got my shit together. | ||
| That 5-HTP fixed my brain. | ||
| Did it? | ||
| I'm feeling so much better. | ||
| Beautiful, beautiful. | ||
| I was having so much goddamn panic. | ||
| You're gonna be unrecognizable. | ||
| Take that whole bottle, man. | ||
| I'll send you more of it. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| This says take before you go to sleep. | ||
| Give it a new bottle. | ||
| Give it a new bottle So, 10 classes. | ||
| 500 pages of a book. | ||
| They all have to be different, or it's just 10 classes? | ||
| If you fuck up and accidentally take a drink, you need an extra class every drink. | ||
| No more than three of one class, though. | ||
| No more than three of one class. | ||
| That doesn't mean anything to me. | ||
| If you want to take jiu-jitsu every day, I think you still win. | ||
| Just 10 classes. | ||
| Or you still done it. | ||
| 10 classes. | ||
| No, mix it up. | ||
| Mix it up. | ||
| It forces you to do new fun things. | ||
| But I think you should mix it up, but I don't think you should have to. | ||
| That'll be the fun part. | ||
| I'll enjoy that because whenever I go into a new class, I'll do an Insta story. | ||
| Hey guys, I'm doing goat yoga. | ||
| If you want to do that, you can do that. | ||
| But I think what's important is that you do something to better yourself. | ||
| I mean, if you want to take 10 tactical classes, take that. | ||
| If you want to do 10 yoga classes, take that. | ||
| If you want to do 10 jiu-jitsu classes, take that. | ||
| 500 pages of a book can't be a children's book. | ||
| I think, agreed? | ||
| 500 pages of one book? | ||
| Any book. | ||
| Two books. | ||
| It has to be two books. | ||
| I'm not going to read a five-page book. | ||
| You can read a hundred pages of five different books if you want to just fucking... | ||
| I like doing that. | ||
| One of the things I like doing is I like reading a couple chapters of a book and then I get bored and I pick up another book. | ||
| You could also read this big print, you know? | ||
| Huge print. | ||
| Crayons. | ||
| Ten-page books, just a bunch of them. | ||
| Yeah, you could read Watchmen. | ||
| Okay, so we all... | ||
| No comic books. | ||
| Read a real book. | ||
| No children's books. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ten. | |
| Anything else? | ||
| We're going to have to get to reading. | ||
| What about Tom and his addiction to edibles? | ||
| No, I'll cut. | ||
| I'll cut it. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| We should also be able to do edibles and some sort of like... | ||
| Meth. | ||
| Amphetamine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Be it methamphetamine or MDMA. What if you have a prescription for Adderall and you don't want to... | |
| What about prescription drugs, period? | ||
| Yeah, what about prescription Xanax? | ||
| I could take one right now. | ||
| Well, are you on Xanax? | ||
| Did they give you it? | ||
| I have a prescription for panic attacks. | ||
| You probably should take it if you're panicking. | ||
| Are you panicking? | ||
| What are you thinking about? | ||
| Your heart? | ||
| How's it beating? | ||
| Is it weird? | ||
| Can I tell you? | ||
| I'm super aware right now. | ||
| Do you feel like your liver's chubby? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| My liver's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
205. The goal weight. | |
| If you get to 205, you get the belt, man. | ||
| 205, you get the belt. | ||
| Yeah, because I'm not even contesting it. | ||
| This is good for me. | ||
| That's two pounds a day. | ||
| It's not a challenge. | ||
| I don't have to say, I'll get to 160. Jesus, that scared the fuck out of me just thinking about that. | ||
| Thinking 160? | ||
| Just saying it. | ||
| But we're not all going to be here in November. | ||
| You're gone. | ||
| You're gone. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm here. | ||
| I don't go for long stretches like this. | ||
| When's my way in? | ||
| If I do get to 205, when? | ||
| When are you here? | ||
| When are you here? | ||
| November 1st? | ||
| I'm here. | ||
| I'm here with November 1st. | ||
| No. | ||
| November 1st, I'm here. | ||
| November 2nd is the UFC. No, okay. | ||
| I think you're flying the 1st. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| You're flying the 31st. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| What are you looking at? | ||
| The first is November or Saturday. | ||
| The first is Friday. | ||
| Where are you going to be November 1st? | ||
| Who's fighting? | ||
| Maybe I'll come weigh in at the UFC. You want to go to the fights? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| You can weigh in at the UFC. Oh, come to the fights. | ||
| Weigh in at 205 at the UFC. That's Nate Diaz, Jorge Masvidal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up! | |
| New York City. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I've been a fan of Jorge Masvidal for so long. | ||
| I will bring that belt and if you can make 205, I will hand it to you on stage at the UFC weigh-ins. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're fucking my head up, Joe! | ||
| I will set it up with the UFC so that you can weigh in. | ||
| Oh, come on, dude. | ||
| You should do that. | ||
| I will 100% do that for you, Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Except for the fact that you can never weigh 205. So we can stream it live. | |
| We can stream it live. | ||
| You won't do it, but this is an awesome challenge. | ||
| Listen, we'll stream it live. | ||
| How much do you weigh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
230, 260, 260, 260. That ain't shit. | |
| A pound a day? | ||
| That ain't shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| That ain't shit. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| Fighters do way more than that. | ||
| You could cut that. | ||
| I know fighters who cut 30 pounds in two days. | ||
| No, it's not healthy. | ||
| But you can lose the 30 pounds in a month healthy. | ||
| You can lose a pound a day. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You have weight to lose. | ||
| No sugar. | ||
| No sugar. | ||
| No bread. | ||
| All vegetables. | ||
| And cut way back on your portions. | ||
| Vegetables and salmon. | ||
| Way back on the portions. | ||
| Way back. | ||
| But if you make 205, I will bring that fucking belt to New York City and I'll put it on you on the fucking stage where the UFC fighters weigh in and we'll stream it live. | ||
| And if you don't, it'll be very embarrassing. | ||
| If I don't, I'm not going to fly to New York. | ||
| Dude, if you do, it'll be amazing. | ||
| If I do, it'll be amazing. | ||
| But 205 is such a... | ||
| Shut the fuck up, pussy. | ||
| That means you have to be 211 the day before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, man. | |
| And just not eat up at night and go into the West. | ||
| Listen, man, you can do it. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cut water weight. | |
| You just can't fuck around like you did with Tom. | ||
| With Tom, you played ketchup. | ||
| You tried to do it all real towards the end. | ||
| And he drank the whole time. | ||
| Do you have any genes that could help you with this? | ||
| Yeah, he drank the whole time. | ||
| Tom was grinding. | ||
| He was grinding the entire time. | ||
| He was drinking nothing but water the whole month. | ||
| And he barely beat you. | ||
| A few pounds. | ||
| Two pounds, maybe? | ||
| Yeah, you could have got ahead of him early and set a pace that he couldn't keep up with. | ||
| He did his best, and he only beat you by a few pounds. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| But there's no way you can do that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you can do it! | |
| Stop! | ||
| Stop, guys! | ||
| We're coaching them here. | ||
| I used to host Fear Factor. | ||
| Listen, you can do it. | ||
| 205. You can 100% do it. | ||
| You weigh in 205, you get the belt. | ||
| And this is great for me because there's no chance. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The two of you. | ||
| So happy! | ||
| Everybody's happy! | ||
| The thing is, if you weigh, if you do do it, and you weigh 205, for me, I don't need that belt. | ||
| It's all you, man. | ||
| You can have it. | ||
| On the UFC stage, Madison Square Garden? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, let that marinate on your flight. | ||
| You gotta go, man. | ||
| Yeah, all right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, because you're only going to think about it if you say marinate. | ||
| Yeah, marinate. | ||
| Oh, that's booze. | ||
| We use booze to marinate sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes. | |
| All right, that's it, everybody. | ||
| Thanks, Joe. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| Happy Silver October, everybody. |
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