April 8, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:27:27
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Last chance for romance here, otherwise we're just gonna film and then put it up. | ||
| Is it live? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I centered my chi. | ||
| I centered my chi. | ||
| You made it happen. | ||
| We've been having problems with our try caster that doesn't want to try. | ||
| It's like, not today. | ||
| Every third show. | ||
| I'm tired. | ||
| It won't go live. | ||
| I centered the chi though. | ||
| I sent the energy. | ||
| Dude, you made it happen. | ||
| I did. | ||
| This is a rare wake and bake day. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I don't do this. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I get shit done first usually. | ||
| Can you not get shit done when you wake and bake? | ||
| I kind of fuck off things. | ||
| If I get high at 9 o'clock in the morning, I'm like, ah! | ||
| What's important, really? | ||
| I get stuff done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll do my cup of coffee and a joint, and I'll get some stuff done. | ||
| I joke that it makes me super motivated to do not a goddamn thing, but I get stuff done. | ||
| I mean, all the stuff I get done is I vacuum seven times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I cleaned my apartment like four times the other day. | ||
| That's a meth thing. | ||
| You sure someone's not slipping meth into your meat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, come on. | |
| Let's not put all the rumors out there now, but you got any bro? | ||
| Eddie Bravo used to say that about girls. | ||
| Eddie used to work at a strip club and he dated a lot of the gals that were performers there. | ||
| And he said, you really know when a girl's a meth head because you go over a house and it's always clean. | ||
| It's always clean and they can never clean enough. | ||
| Maybe I'm a meth head or just a Virgo. | ||
| Apparently it's speed freaks, not meth head. | ||
| I'm sorry, speed freaks. | ||
| When people are on speed. | ||
| Maybe coffee is the thing that does that to me and then I just get focused from the weed. | ||
| There's not one ounce of dog hair in my house. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Keep that shit fresh. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You have like 50 dogs. | ||
| You're a crazy dog lady. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I have three dogs. | ||
| Wait, don't you have like a pack of chicken in your backyard? | ||
| Dude, I used to. | ||
| What happened to them? | ||
| Coyotes got them all. | ||
| I thought you were up with the bow and arrow. | ||
| No, we had an issue where our chicken coop burnt to the ground. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| During those fires? | ||
| You lost your ladies? | ||
| No, we didn't. | ||
| They managed to fly out and they were in the yard. | ||
| We lost two of them because we couldn't round them up to get them into the chicken pen because we got a new chicken pen where it wasn't as big. | ||
| They were too good for it? | ||
| Coyotes ate those two. | ||
| And then they realized that they're all in this one pen. | ||
| And one day when we were gone, they opened it up and got in and killed all nine of them. | ||
| How did they open them up? | ||
| They pulled it apart with their teeth. | ||
| Yo, dogs are, listen, even domestic ones. | ||
| Domestic dogs, but... | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| The difference between a coyote and a domestic dog is like the difference between a hardened criminal on death row and a baby. | ||
| No, you're 100% right. | ||
| It's the experience and what you had to do to survive. | ||
| All they have done is survive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and murder. | |
| They don't have a house. | ||
| No one's feeding them food. | ||
| I mean, they're fucking little wolves. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like literally dog-eat-dog world out there. | ||
| Yeah, what was the gentleman, Dan, Coyote America, the author? | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| Was he like a dude who lived amongst the wolves? | ||
| Yes, Dan Flores. | ||
| No, he's a wildlife biologist and a historian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was talking about the history of coyotes and wolves in North America. | ||
| Apparently all wild dog species came from North America. | ||
| Even like jackals and shit like that. | ||
| Like they made it across over there somehow, like during the Pangeus period. | ||
| What did you call me? | ||
| Pangea. | ||
| Do you know what that is? | ||
| It's an era. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| It's when they think that all of the continents were connected together. | ||
| Oh yeah, we were one flat earthen. | ||
| It was one flat table. | ||
| I think it was flat. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's obviously not. | ||
| A giant chunk, and then the rest was water, and then it spread out, which is fucking weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is weird. | |
| What is happening? | ||
| How did that... | ||
| And also, is that happening on our insides? | ||
| It's obviously on a cellular level. | ||
| Everything's just splitting and being torn the fuck apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
| Here's the modern Pangea map. | ||
| This is modern? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| The modern country separations and all that. | ||
| Oh, this is what it looked like. | ||
| Then? | ||
| I thought there's more out there. | ||
| I was going to say, is that South America? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I thought there was some knuckleheads that thought that. | ||
| Is that really all of the continents together? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It shows you how much goddamn water there is. | ||
| So much water. | ||
| That's a mindfuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you really like to think that we're all dirt and not as much water. | ||
| It's so much water. | ||
| It's all water. | ||
| It's like a little speck in a huge-ass ocean. | ||
| That's what's really crazy. | ||
| It's those ground-dwelling motherfuckers that figured out how to suck all the fish out of that water. | ||
| I know! | ||
| It's crazy! | ||
| Just to be able to get those suckers out, sometimes with your bare hands. | ||
| And then they were like, yo, we need a smaller situation. | ||
| I think until they came up with nets and stuff like that, I don't think they were real effective. | ||
| I think they just got what they got and they ate that, but the populations were fine. | ||
| But in the last, whatever, 150 years, they've been using nets. | ||
| They just jacked that whole ocean. | ||
| What do you think happened to the dude who figured out the hook? | ||
| He probably got all the pussy in town. | ||
| The dude who hooked the fish. | ||
| He was getting all those fishies. | ||
| He was getting the ones that were way deep. | ||
| The kind of pussy that you would get back when you invented a hook, you don't want it. | ||
| But now, in your modern mind, you don't. | ||
| But back then, you're like, yo, this is fresh. | ||
| Fresh? | ||
| It only smells like must and dead rat. | ||
| Did you become African American? | ||
| Something's happening to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wake and bacon is taking you to another level. | |
| It takes you to another level for sure, yeah. | ||
| I get back to my roots. | ||
| Let's guess. | ||
| How long ago do you think they invented the fishhook? | ||
| Did they even know? | ||
| I'm going to say it's a really old invention. | ||
| Super old. | ||
| It's like an arrowhead time period. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's very close to like... | ||
| Pre-Native Americans. | ||
| Those bitches would just break. | ||
| If you think about a big fish hooking like a little thin... | ||
| What would they make it out of bone, probably? | ||
| Must be bone. | ||
| Maybe bone. | ||
| Stone would be too heavy. | ||
| She would just sink and... | ||
| Well, it would also break. | ||
| Yeah, it wouldn't be able to hook it well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It must have been bone. | ||
| I bet it was bone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But bones get brittle, especially after, like, you know, they're off the body and they start to... | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Calcify and all that. | ||
| How old do you think it is? | ||
| It's got to be really old. | ||
| Juniper wood, it says. | ||
| Juniper wood was the first one. | ||
| 23,000 years ago. | ||
| Wood? | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Norwegians? | ||
| Yeah, those vikings. | ||
| They're made from sea snail shells. | ||
| Oh, that's pretty crazy. | ||
| There's a bunch of information I'll put together in this one. | ||
| In Okinawa Island, dated between 22,380 and 22,770. | ||
| Isn't that crazy that they get it that close? | ||
| They're basically in an inner, you know, give or take 80, 90 years, 100 years. | ||
| I know. | ||
| How can they even... | ||
| Is it carbon dating? | ||
| I mean, that's the only thing I remember from high school. | ||
| How do you date it back? | ||
| Is it like a forensic thing where they grab a fly and they're like, yeah, this was six years ago because of the juices on the wings. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of factors. | ||
| One of them is the dirt that's around where they find it. | ||
| If they find it on the ground, then it's covered with dirt over hundreds and hundreds of years. | ||
| They can take some of that dirt and... | ||
| Test it? | ||
| Yeah, they can test it. | ||
| And see what's in it? | ||
| They're trying to test, I think... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| I want those as earrings. | ||
| Is that a fishhook? | ||
| Yeah, I clicked the source. | ||
| Yo, those are fresh. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Those are really nice. | ||
| I would rock those. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Yeah, the comedy store. | ||
| Oldest fish hook found in Okinawa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| 23,000 years ago. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So they're saying that the oldest fish hook is linked to the Norwegians. | ||
| I would say Japanese. | ||
| This says Okinawa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The Norwegian thing was saying that. | ||
| And up until the 1950s, they were still using wood. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I think it was just like an added fact. | ||
| Yeah, Japanese makes sense. | ||
| I wonder if they all figured it out at the same time, different spots in the world. | ||
| You know, I wonder if it's one of those things like, you know, like there's just some weird thing. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Is that Rupert Sheldrake? | ||
| It's the morphic residence theory. | ||
| He's got this weird theory that I think the idea is that if some rat learns a maze on the East Coast, rats on the West Coast will learn that maze quicker. | ||
| How? | ||
| Like a collective consciousness amongst the rats? | ||
| As weird as it sounds, there might be some sort of strange connection that all rats share. | ||
| And not just all rats, but all living beings. | ||
| His argument was that if this is demonstrable with a rat in a maze, that if they did something with human beings, if they could figure out a way to prove this, it's likely what's happening. | ||
| He brought up a bunch of different factors. | ||
| Inventions that are simultaneously taking place all over the world. | ||
| That's strange. | ||
| Yeah, you can attribute some of that to education, right? | ||
| Yeah, definitely education, what's going on, the trends that are happening in education. | ||
| But they also think there might be something else going on underneath the surface. | ||
| Like on a different realm? | ||
| If we're all a species and you're on one side of the world, you learn something. | ||
| The people on the other side of the world have greater access to it in some weird way. | ||
| That's really bizarre. | ||
| That freaks me out. | ||
| That's like Matrix-y shit right there. | ||
| But it's also unprovable and you bring it up to real scientists, they get upset with you. | ||
| What's interesting though is the map thing, the maze thing with mice and rats. | ||
| See if that's been proven. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it has been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What maze thing? | |
| That if you show a maze to a rat on one side of the country, they learn it quicker on the other side. | ||
| I don't understand how that can even be a thing. | ||
| Well, there's another one that's really interesting, but I don't know how much of this is just because they didn't observe it before, but they've noticed that apes are starting to use tools. | ||
| Like cell phones to text each other? | ||
| No, not that yet. | ||
| Weren't monkeys using tools? | ||
| Blowhorns. | ||
| They get on top of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ho, ho! | |
| Ho, ho! | ||
| No, but apparently they use tools to get sticks into anthills to get ants, but they also use rocks to break things open. | ||
| Weren't monkeys doing that before? | ||
| I would imagine apes would follow suit. | ||
| I think what they're saying is they're saying officially that they've entered into the Stone Age. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| So like if we are watching, if you saw a human evolve from being a person that, you know, whatever the fuck we used to look like when they first figured out fishhooks. | ||
| Grunting. | ||
| To today. | ||
| You know, there's many, many generations of change and all sorts of different shit that we learned. | ||
| That we are watching literally the birth of that separation between like the regular chimps that are just chilling in the forest to the chimps that are starting to figure out tools and weapons and things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, the first day we see a chimp make a fucking spear, sharpen it up, and stab another chimp to death. | ||
| Planet of the Apes! | ||
| So you're saying chimps are becoming woke? | ||
| Is that what's happening? | ||
| Like, they're becoming enlightened and smarter? | ||
| I don't think just chimps. | ||
| There was one with an orangutan. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| An orangutan was spearfishing. | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh, dude, you gotta see it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| That's a nightmare! | ||
| I mean, it's really cool, but like... | ||
| It's a beautiful photo. | ||
| They're just gonna be walking down the highway with a briefcase soon? | ||
| I don't think it's going to be there. | ||
| That's freaky, man. | ||
| That freaks me out. | ||
| But it is... | ||
| So we're witnessing evolution. | ||
| They're learning things. | ||
| And this one, I think their issue was that this orangutan had watched fishermen do this. | ||
| So he had apparently watched some fishermen stand on a ledge and stab fish. | ||
| So he decided to try to figure it out himself. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| I mean, that's how all creatures essentially, I mean, puppies, kittens, they all learn. | ||
| It's just, it's to a limit. | ||
| They don't get past that sort of being able to use tools. | ||
| Did you get that picture? | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| I was bringing up video too, so I thought they might have had video of it, but I'm... | ||
| My dog opened his dog food container when I was gone. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| A twist, a twisted, yes. | ||
| I don't know how he did it. | ||
| I gotta get a camera, but I came home and that top was twisted off and his belly was like... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that picture. | ||
| The orangutan spearfishing. | ||
| I mean, that's crazy. | ||
| If you saw that in a movie, you would say, that is fake. | ||
| That is so... | ||
| That looks like a still from Jungle Book. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's an amazing photo. | ||
| We should get that photo framed. | ||
| Jamie, get a copy of that photo and let's do that. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| Frame that fucker. | ||
| You should get that framed. | ||
| I talk about this picture all the time. | ||
| That is so wild. | ||
| It's so fascinating. | ||
| It really looks like the Jungle Book. | ||
| You know, have you ever had your 23andMe done? | ||
| I I thought about it, but how accurate is it? | ||
| What's with the science? | ||
| You're just going to trust a piece of paper that comes back? | ||
| I wanted to go to the lab and see who's doing this. | ||
| How do you know you're not just getting some general packet that they're sending back to you? | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| Why would they do that? | ||
| Because they got your money. | ||
| Why would anyone do anything? | ||
| Why are motherfuckers throwing fits in grocery stores? | ||
| People are crazy. | ||
| You know what we're talking about? | ||
| If you get high, you get a little bit psychotic. | ||
| Something happens and you really do enter into the world of schizophrenia. | ||
| You just did it. | ||
| How do I know that science is good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do I know? | |
| Have you done it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I did it. | ||
| And what did it say? | ||
| All kinds of stuff. | ||
| Mostly stuff I knew. | ||
| That I'm mostly Italian and Irish. | ||
| But they put Irish and English together, which I thought was interesting. | ||
| I have 1.6% African. | ||
| 57% more Neanderthal traits than the average person. | ||
| I could have told you that. | ||
| I could have told you. | ||
| Without even the blood work. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| I saw the paperwork. | ||
| I'm like, ah, figures. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I knew. | ||
| I knew there was something wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you kidding me? | |
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that face. | ||
| Look at that head. | ||
| You're definitely Neanderthal. | ||
| You're a link that's missing for sure. | ||
| No, it's just Italians in general. | ||
| Don't be angry, my Italian people. | ||
| I'm Sicilian. | ||
| We're strange monkey folk. | ||
| That should be your next special title. | ||
| When I was in Italy, we had cab drivers, and the cab drivers would stick their head out the window, stare at someone's ass, like, look at this, Amaro! | ||
| And they'd slow down and speed up. | ||
| I was like, look at these fucking guys. | ||
| They're smooth. | ||
| But it's just, they're savage. | ||
| And then I thought about it, I was like, well, of course they are. | ||
| They used to be the Romans. | ||
| Yeah, they conquered everyone. | ||
| Can you imagine how gross life must have been like back then with people? | ||
| Gross. | ||
| It's gross now, but it's really gross then without plumbing. | ||
| And I will say, your toilet seats are the warmest I've ever sat on. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| So, compared from here to the Roman era, yeah. | ||
| Nasty. | ||
| Yeah, what did they do? | ||
| Oils! | ||
| Their oil, their shit, though, went through the streets, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Wasn't that part of the problem? | ||
| That's why everybody was infected and sick. | ||
| I mean, there's no system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They couldn't figure that out. | |
| They probably used mulch, you know, maybe like fertilizer to pour over it, but that was it. | ||
| You know what I bet it was like? | ||
| It's like people throw their cigarette butts in the ground like, someone will clean it. | ||
| Yeah, someone else will clean it. | ||
| Some little, you know, some little hand will grab it. | ||
| Some little poor kid. | ||
| But I mean, there's no perspective. | ||
| They were just in their own little... | ||
| Yeah, they didn't know. | ||
| They didn't know. | ||
| They thought they were living as sophisticated as anybody they ever did. | ||
| Dude, can you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
| There's shitholes? | ||
| Is that where you shat in? | ||
| That's a shathole. | ||
| And you're around a bunch of other people shatting. | ||
| Gross! | ||
| That looks like those things you put in your toes and you get a pedicure. | ||
| That's what that little thing looks like. | ||
| Spread your toes apart? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you think that those folks had like curtains in between them when they shot? | ||
| Nah, are you kidding me? | ||
| Look at that corner seat. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, right there. | ||
| How about that one? | ||
| Knees touching. | ||
| Everybody's touching. | ||
| Yeah, they were all just in it having a conversation talking about the latest gladiator sports. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you believe the tiger got him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know why he sounds like that. | |
| When we were there, they were talking about the front rows, the front rows where all the rich people sat to watch the Coliseum, and that was when, if a tiger did get out, that's where they usually got to those people and killed a bunch of them. | ||
| That's ironic. | ||
| Just there to get a front row seat, and then nature's like, cacao, gotcha. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| They're all jerking each other off. | ||
| Oh my god, they're shitting in sandals! | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| They did everything in sandals. | ||
| Who's the guy with the satchel all the way on the left? | ||
| That's Play-Doh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| He's covering his cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you get it? | |
| Okay, yeah, I get it. | ||
| There's a dog shitting in the hole. | ||
| Oh, I bet that's not true. | ||
| I bet dogs didn't shit in the hole. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, there's shit on the floor. | ||
| Shit on the... | ||
| That is so gross. | ||
| Is that really what they were like? | ||
| What are these spoons for? | ||
| Eating shit. | ||
| Scooping the poop out of your butt? | ||
| With spoons, too. | ||
| In case it gets clogged. | ||
| Oh, probably scoop the water out. | ||
| This is a disgusting fact, so I'm going to pull it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| You probably would scoop out the water. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| Some guy with a video on disgusting things with poop. | ||
| Yeah, you guys have the nicest toilet here ever. | ||
| I can't imagine. | ||
| I mean, what was sex like back then? | ||
| Even though they were in their own era and their perspective is limited because of, you know, just where they're at, it still must have been gross. | ||
| This guy had to be disgusting. | ||
| They must have smelled terrible. | ||
| There was no soap. | ||
| There's no soap? | ||
| Well, they must have had soap. | ||
| They must have had soap. | ||
| It was like, you know, it just wasn't as fancy as our soaps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's no deodorant. | ||
| No deodorant. | ||
| It's just oils and water. | ||
| What is going on here, Jamie? | ||
| Are they holding hands? | ||
| Or they're sharing that spoon thing. | ||
| I can't tell what the fucking spoon is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is the spoon? | |
| That guy looks like he's in a real moment. | ||
| I don't know if they wipe with or if they pour water on it. | ||
| That looks like Little Dicky and Cosby. | ||
| Here's the other thing, too. | ||
| Why not be a little further apart, boys? | ||
| Yeah, why are they so close? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, fellow with the robe, how about you scoot over? | |
| There's a couple extra stalls. | ||
| I'm going to share that spoon. | ||
| You don't want to be reaching. | ||
| Maybe he was all the way over. | ||
| Are you pouring that spoon on your butt to break things loose? | ||
| He was down a couple seats, but homie needed a hand to hold. | ||
| I think what that was is they would take that spoon and they would wash their hands. | ||
| They'd use their hand to wash their butt. | ||
| That's so barbaric, man. | ||
| That's why I think you're not supposed to shake hands with your left hand in some cultures, I think to this day. | ||
| Because that's your butt-wiping hand? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So you would take the water, you'd pour it in your hand, if I had to guess, and you'd lather your butthole. | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| I mean, why not grab a leaf? | ||
| Those fuckers were wearing leafs anyways as outfits. | ||
| Oh, they were wearing leafs at that point in time. | ||
| A couple dudes were running around in a leaf shirt and a leaf outfit. | ||
| I think the Leafs is something they added to those Roman statues when people got... | ||
| Mad about the peonies? | ||
| They got a little weird. | ||
| They got a little modest. | ||
| They were modest then without any plumbing. | ||
| Well, I think they just decided that dicks were bad somewhere along the line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I decided that a long time ago. | |
| Alright, so they had a sponge on the end of a stick. | ||
| They would wipe them off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, that sounds great. | |
| So you shared a sponge? | ||
| You would share it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
A communal butt sponge? | |
| Are you done with that sponge? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| No! | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not a communal butt sponge. | ||
| Since we got these toilets that actually clean your butt with warm water when you press a button. | ||
| It's the nicest. | ||
| But it's also the cleanest. | ||
| What are we doing smearing shit around? | ||
| All you're doing is smearing some of it off. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| On your face, on the handles. | ||
| If shit came out of your nose, would you be comfortable just smearing it like that and just give it a good wipe? | ||
| Are we in Rome or are we in Ventura, California? | ||
| No, I'm a very clean person. | ||
| I wet nap that bunghole whenever I can, all day long. | ||
| Keep it crisp. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| Keep it crisp and clean. | ||
| Do you think that you would use one of those toilet things? | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| You wouldn't? | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| You'd see me crapping in the woods. | ||
| No, no, I mean this one, the one we have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| That's the most luxurious pee I've ever taken in my life. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| There was like a remote control? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like the upper echelon of society crap right there. | ||
| It's very fancy. | ||
| It's not that expensive. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I mean, for what it does, it's like very, very valuable. | ||
| At first I was confused because there was a couple seats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| A Bondale? | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Brondale? | ||
| Brondale? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Give them some love. | ||
| I think they gave it to us for free, too. | ||
| There's a remote there, too, with a bunch of settings. | ||
| Brondel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a very nice toilet. | ||
| And that's like a model from many years ago. | ||
| They have it nailed. | ||
| They had it nailed like, oh, no, no, these are recent. | ||
| These are ones that we bought when we got the studio, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It wasn't too hot, either. | ||
| Didn't it feel like someone was just sitting there? | ||
| You ever have that experience where it's like, oh, there's a butt just here? | ||
| Right, there's a pleasure that you don't want. | ||
| I don't want to feel good. | ||
| I'd rather the seat be uninviting and cold. | ||
| I don't want to stay here. | ||
| All the bacteria is long since abandoned. | ||
| All the crabs. | ||
| Do you only crap in certain places? | ||
| Because on the road, you travel a lot. | ||
| You just gotta go when you gotta go. | ||
| You gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
| Do you do what you gotta do? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not scared to take a shit. | ||
| You're not discriminating? | ||
| In public, no. | ||
| But not even just being Joe Rogan and being next to the person who's like... | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| I heard Joe Rogan... | ||
| We're all just shitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen the bathrooms like at Venice Beach, though? | ||
| Are you going in there? | ||
| I had to once. | ||
| Are these public toilets in Venice Beach? | ||
| Oh, see, whenever you deal... | ||
| Then that smell of homeless. | ||
| Yeah, there's a... | ||
| That wino pee smell. | ||
| That's Rome. | ||
| That is Rome. | ||
| There's a thing where you got piss-soaked clothes that people have been wearing forever. | ||
| You know that super ripe, pungent, homeless, crazy person smell? | ||
| It's the most thick smell ever. | ||
| It's a weird smell. | ||
| But then you get used to it. | ||
| It's really similar. | ||
| It's usually a person that's got mental illness and they piss themselves or shit themselves and they get this really deep, horrible odor to them. | ||
| And then they don't even know. | ||
| But it's so similar. | ||
| It is similar. | ||
| It's like the same smell. | ||
| Like BO. Like really bad BO. It's almost always the same kind of smell. | ||
| You've been to a fish concert, right? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Exactly what it smells like. | ||
| First of all, that's the main reason why I've never been to a fish concert. | ||
| That sounds like it smells terrible. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're just using salt rocks to clean our pits. | ||
| We found out that modern industrialized deodorant is really just a plot. | ||
| It's just a plot. | ||
| You know what else? | ||
| Furthermore, to your point, they really abuse the chemicals and the ingredients, so this is cruelty-free. | ||
| Nobody's offended while they make the product. | ||
| Yeah, you either get it all natural, which is like rocks. | ||
| Have you ever seen those mineral rocks you're supposed to rub in your armpits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to use those. | |
| They don't work for shit. | ||
| They don't work at all. | ||
| They just make you smell like a salty homeless person. | ||
| Yeah, what is the salt in your pits work? | ||
| Is that what people do? | ||
| You know what works? | ||
| What? | ||
| If you don't have a deodorant or anything? | ||
| Lemon, citrus. | ||
| It's a, you know, antibacterial, natural. | ||
| No shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That makes sense. | ||
| Spritz some oregano oil in that. | ||
| That's also antimicrobial, natural, antiseptic. | ||
| Eucalyptus oil is too. | ||
| Yeah, put some oil. | ||
| Some mint. | ||
| Don't put the mint in your nether regions though. | ||
| That might hurt. | ||
| Might hurt the cooch-cooch. | ||
| Might burn the kitty. | ||
| I use a soap called Defense Soap. | ||
| It's all made with natural oils. | ||
| Yeah, that's the best. | ||
| It's designed for grapplers because grapplers get like skin scratches and infections and a lot of ringworm and shit. | ||
| Gross! | ||
| Have you had ringworm? | ||
| Oh, a bunch of times. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, I've had ringworm... | ||
| I've had staph twice, and I had ringworm, I think, three times. | ||
| Isn't that basically when you like... | ||
| More than three times, because I've had it on my feet, but it's basically the same thing. | ||
| You poke your finger and poop and scratch, right? | ||
| That's science. | ||
| You are a doctor, clearly. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Isn't ringworm, like, from, like... | ||
| It's a... | ||
| Poop bacteria? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think ringworm is just a parasite. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| What happens is it gets through... | ||
| I think it gets through broken skin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's scratched skin. | ||
| And then it forms this weird ring. | ||
| Like a bullseye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| It's really fucking gross. | ||
| I can't deal with it. | ||
| It shows the monsters inside of me. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
| Someone sent me a link. | ||
| It was Josh Wolf sent me a link about the little mites that are in your eyelashes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't want to fucking know. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I can't even handle people in their cars in the 405. I don't want to know about fucking mites in my eyelashes. | ||
| Imagine if you could just see on the 405 as you're driving how many people have lice. | ||
| If there's lights on in the cars. | ||
| There should be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the future. | |
| That's what we need. | ||
| I don't want to know your followers. | ||
| I want to know how many lices you have in your fucking neck. | ||
| Lice is a weird one because lice is around when I was a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone gets it. | |
| First of all, I can't get it anymore. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You're immune. | ||
| I'm lice-free. | ||
| You're impervious to lice. | ||
| But when I was a kid, I was like, when are they going to figure this lice thing out? | ||
| Because apparently adults don't get it. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Adults hardly ever have lice. | ||
| When was the last time you had your hair checked for lice? | ||
| Well, I'm not hanging out napping in a kindergarten where children are riddled with it. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| How are the kids getting it? | ||
| Because they're rolling around going head to head talking about, you know... | ||
| There's got to be patient zero. | ||
| What the fuck's going on with patient zero? | ||
| Who's patient zero? | ||
| Some little kid. | ||
| Probably some rich kid whose parents neglect him and he's had him in there for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, he's got rich lice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rice. | |
| You think that's funny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Marijuana distorts your perceptions. | |
| It really does. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It's an amazing medicine for your brain. | ||
| It's super weird when you're not high and you're watching people that are and you're like, this seems unattractive. | ||
| Is that what's happening right now? | ||
| No, we're both high. | ||
| All three of us. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Jamie's high, too. | ||
| Yeah, he's very irresponsible. | ||
| Are those oven mitts on your shirt, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that makes me want like a grilled cheese sandwich. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Johnny Cupcakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, cool. | |
| Wouldn't it be amazing if grilled cheese sandwiches were super good for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| It's my one thing that I just... | ||
| It's my food. | ||
| Like the one thing. | ||
| French fries. | ||
| Imagine if French fries were the shit. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| They found out that it actually turns your age back. | ||
| The sweet potato fries do? | ||
| Is that like a trick? | ||
| Does that work? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Because it's the fry part that's the worst. | ||
| If you just had the sweet potato fries, bake them, you're good. | ||
| It's not as bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| I think it depends on what kind of oil you cook it under, but I think whenever you cook anything in hot oil, there's something about the way the oil breaks down that your body's like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| I think it gets carcinogenic, doesn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, but I like when you use big words. | |
| I like when you pretend you're a doctor again. | ||
| Imagine if this is your doctor. | ||
| The doctor's like, hey, doc, do you think I should eat french fries? | ||
| The doctor's like, I think it's carcinogenic, right? | ||
| You're like, God damn this health plan. | ||
| Fuck you, Obama. | ||
| Fuck your single pay care. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| You can't afford health care. | ||
| Come over my house. | ||
| I'll let you know if you're carcinogenic or not. | ||
| There's something real gross about people that are like, you know, get better health care. | ||
| Go get better health care. | ||
| Yeah, like it's just readily available. | ||
| But that's one of the grossest ones. | ||
| When you don't feel for fellow citizens in our community that don't have health care. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I didn't have health care forever. | ||
| I just got it a week ago. | ||
| Yo, I got it a week ago and I booked all the appointments. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| I got the kitty cat checked, got the teeth checked. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Eyes. | ||
| Were you worried about the teeth? | ||
| Did you ever have the feeling like you have a cavity, like a phantom cavity, like shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why does my tooth hurt? | ||
| Do I have a fucking cavity? | ||
| I definitely did. | ||
| My teeth were like crevasses. | ||
| Oh, did you have a bunch of cavities now? | ||
| Yeah, she filled me like four times because I haven't been because healthcare is ridiculous. | ||
| Were you eating candy? | ||
| No, I wasn't eating candy. | ||
| Why are you getting all these holes in your face? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think like, you know, changes in my life. | ||
| Maybe I got ringworm from you. | ||
| Ch-ch-ch-changes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ch-ch-ch-changes. | |
| Yeah, little kids get it all the time. | ||
| They do. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Because they're rolling in dirt. | ||
| I'm going to blow you away. | ||
| Blow your mind away. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hookworm was super common in the South, and it literally diminishes your capacity for thinking. | ||
| So the idea of the slack-jawed, southern, dumb person. | ||
| Theo. | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| It's Theo. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I didn't know she was going to do that. | ||
| I would never have her on, bro. | ||
| You know I love you. | ||
| I love you, Theo. | ||
| No, not Theo. | ||
| But maybe people Theo knows. | ||
| His relatives. | ||
| If you had to say it in a Theo Vaughn voice, maybe a few people that I know. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were all hookworm victims. | ||
| So how do you get hookworm? | ||
| Walking around barefoot. | ||
| I mean, there's just too many opportunities to get these worms in your body. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
| Like when you see dudes who go to some foreign country and they get scratched and they come back and a bot flies glowing out of their head. | ||
| And their belly flying out. | ||
| A kid just died recently in India. | ||
| I think it was India. | ||
| He got an infection. | ||
| He was having headaches. | ||
| And it turns out worms from pig feces had made it all the way up into his brain. | ||
| And they were making cysts all throughout his brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he died shortly thereafter. | ||
| They said it was so bad they couldn't even give him deworming medication. | ||
| Because if they did, they were worried his brain would start bleeding. | ||
| And that he would suffer from a stroke. | ||
| What? | ||
| I am not gonna sleep tonight. | ||
| All this worm talk. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| Pull those pictures up. | ||
| They have pictures of the dude's brain and it's just like filled with cysts. | ||
| Oh god! | ||
| Why are we looking at that? | ||
| Because we're high and it's like 10 in the morning. | ||
| Oh, you know what I was saying before? | ||
| I forgot to bring my fanny pack. | ||
| You gave me one of your fanny packs and I travel with that everywhere. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| I'm glad you enjoy it. | ||
| It's the most resourceful thing ever. | ||
| People think I'm joking. | ||
| This is my fanny pack. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking wear this for real. | |
| I have the same one and a couple people have talked some shit and I was like, you better step back. | ||
| Step back. | ||
| Step back. | ||
| I've got my pharmacy in there. | ||
| I've got my whole thing so I can be a doctor on the road. | ||
| Oh, do you have a stethoscope? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I got a scalpel. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| He complained of having pain in his groin and swelling in his eye, and then they found out he had cysts all over his brain. | ||
| I mean, I have pain in my groin every week, but... | ||
| Look at his brain. | ||
| On the right, I'm assuming, is the result? | ||
| Both of them. | ||
| It's different views of... | ||
| They're both different views. | ||
| Those little holes are all cysts inside his brain. | ||
| Yeah, his brain is literally imploding. | ||
| All those little spots, those little white spots, those are all little cysts inside his brain. | ||
| That must have been painful. | ||
| Fucking pure agony. | ||
| It must be pure agony. | ||
| And this was in India, you said? | ||
| What country was this? | ||
| Man. | ||
| Was it India? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| And just imagine people having not the access to healthcare in this country, but at least we're a little bit modernized. | ||
| Being in one of those countries and being poor, you're fucked! | ||
| You're so fucked. | ||
| By swallowing microscopic eggs passed in the feces of a person who has intestinal pork tapeworm. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Never going to brunch again. | ||
| But think about that. | ||
| It's not even just pork tapeworm. | ||
| It's the eggs in the shit of a person who has the tapeworm. | ||
| Did you see what the... | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| And it's getting your mouth from shit. | ||
| I'm glad I smoked a joint before this shit. | ||
| I am in a pure panic attack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't eat ass in India unless that person is on anti-tapeworm medication. | ||
| Also, never eat ass again. | ||
| I mean, this is a PSA for anti-ass eating. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I told you I had E. coli a few weeks ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was my life. | ||
| What were you saying, Jamie? | ||
| There's been a change in the way that the pork industry is going to be doing inspections. | ||
| The government's going to stop doing it, apparently, as of early May, and the industry is now taking over. | ||
| Oh, that'll be very fair. | ||
| That's a terrible idea. | ||
| That's exactly what you want. | ||
| This is one of those things where people that are all in favor of deregulating everything, you need to understand, shit like this happens, if these people cut corners, and we know people have cut corners before, maybe it's not all of them. | ||
| Maybe most of them are going to be great. | ||
| People are going to die. | ||
| People are going to die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are going to get sick. | |
| They're going to get E. coli. | ||
| They're going to get all sorts of fucked up things. | ||
| 40% and replacing them with plant employees. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Cutting the number of federal inspectors by about 40%. | ||
| That is such a bad idea. | ||
| Well, it looks like America and everywhere is going to get a whole bunch of hookworms. | ||
| This is like having the mafia... | ||
| Police the streets. | ||
| This is like taking away establishment. | ||
| There would be no limits on slaughter line speeds. | ||
| That is so gross. | ||
| They're just trying to make it quicker. | ||
| Pork is a weird one, man. | ||
| Pork is a weird one. | ||
| It's too risky, man. | ||
| It's way too risky. | ||
| No, not even that. | ||
| I mean, they're fucking smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's one of the weird things. | ||
| They're like smart like a dog. | ||
| They're like a five-year-old, aren't they? | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Your kid, like a five-year-old. | ||
| Wow, wow, shots fired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Five-year-old of a doctor, a real doctor. | ||
| Arrow fired right into my reproductive heart. | ||
| I mean, your five-year-old would be like... | ||
| What do you think he'd be like? | ||
| Stoner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rude. | |
| Rude! | ||
| A, good point. | ||
| B, rude. | ||
| C, you're probably right. | ||
| I'm sure you'd have a great five-year-old. | ||
| My kid would be chill. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| He wouldn't be beating up your kid. | ||
| He'd be very nice. | ||
| You'd be surprised. | ||
| My parents are hippies. | ||
| I know, that's true. | ||
| I do know that, yeah. | ||
| My mom's a super hippie, so is my stepdad. | ||
| But eating pig is weird because they are a very intelligent creature. | ||
| But here's the other weird part about it. | ||
| You gotta kill them. | ||
| Because they breed like crazy. | ||
| And in the wild they go nuts. | ||
| They're everywhere in the wild. | ||
| Their tusks grow very fast. | ||
| They become very barbaric. | ||
| Those are tusks. | ||
| See that little tray right here? | ||
| Yeah, are those pigs? | ||
| They look like... | ||
| That's a wild boar tusk. | ||
| That's from Adam Greentree. | ||
| He killed that in Australia. | ||
| They have a problem with them in Australia too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's wild how hollow it is, but it's so strong even still. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big-ass hook. | ||
| We should go fishing with this and see what we can catch. | ||
| Fuck up a whale with that. | ||
| Yeah, we would. | ||
| We could definitely catch a humpback or something with this puppy. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| Their teeth are shaped like these weird swords. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| And they grow so fast. | ||
| If you release a pig, these things pop out in a couple months. | ||
| Yeah, they start popping out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's wild. | |
| Yeah, they start changing when they're not taken care of. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Remember that movie with Howie Mandel, Walk Like a Man? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Where he was like a... | ||
| Kind of vaguely. | ||
| He was raised by wolves or something. | ||
| That's kind of like almost the equivalent of him coming back to society as releasing a pig and it becoming wild. | ||
| Not that I'm calling Howie Mandel a pig, but... | ||
| He's a nice person. | ||
| He's the opposite of a pig. | ||
| Very nice gentleman. | ||
| But he's also like a super clean freak. | ||
| He's not getting ringworm or hookworm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| He's not getting any of the worms. | ||
| But he might because he like washes his hands a lot. | ||
| Too much? | ||
| Yeah, you can do too much and you kill your skin flora. | ||
| You fuck up your fauna and flora. | ||
| You get the imbalance going. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| What do you show us? | ||
| Oh, walk like a man! | ||
| This is Howie Mandel. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's like a dog man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the idea? | |
| He was raised by creatures in the wild, and this lady, because women, especially a white lady, is trying to save him. | ||
| She wants to save him and do good for him, and so he's just trying to acclimate to society. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| Great stoner movie, by the way. | ||
| What year do you think this was? | ||
| 89? | ||
| 87. 87? | ||
| Yeah, I remember this movie. | ||
| Howie Mandel's been around for a minute. | ||
| He's been around and he looks younger now than he did then. | ||
| Dudes, you fucking dudes. | ||
| Maybe it's washing your hair. | ||
| Maybe it's a good move. | ||
| Washing your hands. | ||
| Oh, washing your hands. | ||
| Yeah, it probably is a good move. | ||
| She washes his hands like crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe that's why she's so young. | |
| Can't be too clean, though. | ||
| We're very clean in this society. | ||
| We can't handle natural bacterias that exist in nature. | ||
| It fucks us up. | ||
| We're going to end up just murdering ourselves because of how clean we are. | ||
| I think much more likely we're going to develop resistant strains of bacteria that are murderous. | ||
| We already have those! | ||
| There's a new one that they just... | ||
| Did you see that thing? | ||
| That flu virus that's like... | ||
| That article? | ||
| There's an article that just came out about some mysterious infection that's been merking people. | ||
| That's because we're too clean. | ||
| We should bring back the Roman toilets just to level it all out a bit. | ||
| Have a couple of them sprinkled around. | ||
| I don't think that's a good one. | ||
| Just a couple of them. | ||
| But there's port-a-potties. | ||
| What's the difference between those and a port-a-potty if you work on a construction site? | ||
| I can't hold a hand in a port-a-potty. | ||
| Do you ever go to a music festival? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| And use one of them when you shit that blue liquid? | ||
| I'm not doing that. | ||
| That's a low point. | ||
| I'm not doing that so I can get that worm that Theo's cousins have? | ||
| I'm not doing that shit. | ||
| Don't do it barefoot. | ||
| What are you showing me, Jamie? | ||
| What festival are people at that aren't barefoot? | ||
| That's what everyone does. | ||
| The deadly fungal infection resistant to treatment. | ||
| That's what it's called. | ||
| That sounds bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or it sounds like a new solar system. | ||
| Unstoppable fungus killing the world's banana supply. | ||
| Man addicted to sniffing his socks. | ||
| That's a separate link. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Separately. | ||
| That's a clickbait. | ||
| Man addicted to sniffing and socks develops severe fungal lung infection. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| That is not real. | ||
| This can't be real. | ||
| This is like stoner news. | ||
| Here's another link. | ||
| Socks aren't sexual, says KiwiSchoolGirl. | ||
| This is how you fall down a clickbait click hole real quick. | ||
| So, who's writing these? | ||
| Like, Gary Busey? | ||
| Who's writing these headlines? | ||
| Oh, how about this? | ||
| How about what Tim Pool told me? | ||
| Ready for this? | ||
| You know those clickbait sites where you go to and it's like, you won't believe what she looks like now. | ||
| And then you click on that, and then you go to another one, and it's just like... | ||
| Never ending click, click, click, click, click. | ||
| They gather up all these clicks. | ||
| Like if they have a site that's responsible for like 400,000 unique clicks a day. | ||
| If they have something like that, they sell it to another company. | ||
| Those clicks. | ||
| Another company attaches those clicks to their site and says, we get 100,000 unique views a day. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| So they're not real, they're just bought. | ||
| They're clicks. | ||
| You can buy clicks. | ||
| Dude, what world are we in right now? | ||
| Buying clicks? | ||
| I don't have time. | ||
| I don't have time. | ||
| Please find out if that's true. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| It sounds true. | ||
| I know what he's saying. | ||
| Tim Pool doesn't lie. | ||
| I know a lot of people right now are like, what? | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| It's the same thing as... | ||
| Everybody lies. | ||
| People buying likes. | ||
| People have done that. | ||
| Or like followers. | ||
| It's the same... | ||
| Yeah, well, they definitely do that. | ||
| Internet science. | ||
| There's a way to do that. | ||
| People get busted because, like, they don't have any interactions. | ||
| Like, so they'll put up something. | ||
| And, like, put up a video, and the video gets, like, a thousand views. | ||
| But they have, like, a million followers. | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't make sense. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| That doesn't make any sense when the engagement doesn't match up with the people. | ||
| I watch all kinds of dumb shit. | ||
| The amount of time that I've wasted watching people's internet videos. | ||
| So there's those little Instagram videos they make. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Talking about their morning... | ||
| The thing you posted today about the Florida headline, that was like the Florida headline for sure. | ||
| That was like what you said in the caption. | ||
| That was legit. | ||
| Yeah, I'm writing this bit about exotic pets. | ||
| And when I'm in the middle of this bit, I just decided to start researching Florida. | ||
| What inspired you to write? | ||
| Did something happen? | ||
| I'll tell you, I don't want to do the bit. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It says, a Florida man tries to start naked fight club at Chick-fil-A. A Florida man was arrested after he challenged others to fight and to stare at his genitals outside a Chick-fil-A restaurant. | ||
| What did Dan Bilzerian say? | ||
| People from Florida just can't act right. | ||
| Trust me, I'm a... | ||
| That's a good jab at himself. | ||
| Points to Bilzerian for at least to come and correct with that. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That is a ridiculous headline. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Also, where can I sign up? | ||
| It sounds fun. | ||
| It's like Game of Thrones for meth heads. | ||
| Naked Fight Club? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, why not? | |
| You want to go to watch from a neighboring parking lot with binoculars. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| That's what you want to do. | ||
| You want to tailgate that. | ||
| You want to be far enough away so if they start running at you, balls out, dick swinging... | ||
| Like those Florida zombies do. | ||
| Keep your car in park, engine running, and then use those binos. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| No, I shut mine off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that Jamie? | |
| How dare you, Jamie? | ||
| I'm a professional Jamie with your oven mitt t-shirt, sir. | ||
| There's got to be video of that, right? | ||
| If someone was out at a Chick-fil-A naked, there's got to be cell phone video of that. | ||
| If there's not video, that's a very depressing fact. | ||
| There has to be some video. | ||
| Video of almost any kind of interaction like that around these days. | ||
| People create interactions so that they can videotape them. | ||
| Parents, man, they've got to stop putting their kids on video. | ||
| We've got to stop. | ||
| It's enough. | ||
| You say that, but there's a little kid that's like six years old that reviews toys, and he makes $20 million a year. | ||
| Oh, he's a multi-millionaire. | ||
| $20 million a year. | ||
| Opening Disney toys. | ||
| Just looking at toys. | ||
| If someone give me $100, I'll open up a box of, you know, toys. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| $100 beans. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Nobody wants to see you open up toys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not a baby. | |
| Alright, well fuck it, but I'm going to find something else. | ||
| They want to see little cute kids. | ||
| I'll dress up in a diaper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's not going to help. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, fuck. | |
| I've got to find another thing to make money. | ||
| You gotta find another angle. | ||
| Yeah, that kid, he's making a lot of money. | ||
| I was gonna be the YouTube toy guy. | ||
| There's a lady who does it with just her hands. | ||
| A grown woman. | ||
| What does she do with her hands? | ||
| She opens things up. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| She has beautiful hands? | ||
| I don't know if they're beautiful. | ||
| I don't know if they're... | ||
| Does she pull her feet out and start using her feet? | ||
| That's what I gotta do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm gonna open children's toys with my feet. | ||
| Is that weird? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should do it. | |
| You should do it and see which one gets better views. | ||
| Do it with you with painted toenails and do it with you with kind of like neglected toenails. | ||
| Ha ha ha! | ||
| Neglected toenails. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like little chips in your paint. | ||
| There's nothing sadder than a neglected toenail. | ||
| You say that, but it's also kind of hot because it's the kind of chick that'll take some chances. | ||
| She doesn't even have her toenails in order. | ||
| She'll abandon wherever she lives. | ||
| She'll move with you across the country. | ||
| She's crawling through parking lots? | ||
| What's she doing? | ||
| She'll enter into a bank robbing scheme with you. | ||
| She's not taking care of herself. | ||
| She's got chipped toenails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No big deal. | |
| She puts people first. | ||
| That's a bitch who puts people first. | ||
| Chipped toenail chick. | ||
| She just can't get it together. | ||
| Some people just never quite get it together. | ||
| They try. | ||
| They're always just like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you see their toes and it's a reflection of their own downfalls. | ||
| They're their own worst enemy. | ||
| Or they have a job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're too busy. | ||
| Too busy. | ||
| Mom with a job and a couple of kids. | ||
| Who's got time to do nails then? | ||
| Unless you're a rich wife. | ||
| You gotta do them yourself. | ||
| You gotta do them yourself. | ||
| The nail thing is interesting. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Here's why. | ||
| Because it's like a service thing that people love. | ||
| They love going and getting pedicures and manicures. | ||
| The people that are into that shit, they love it. | ||
| They love dunking their feet in the thing, and then they get to talk to each other. | ||
| But they would never want to do that. | ||
| It's one of those weird things. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| If you found out your mom was giving strange dudes pedicures, like, that's our new gig, you'd be like, oh, mom. | ||
| I'd be like, mom, we gotta go to the therapist. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Well, we'd say, why do you have this job? | ||
| Do you really want to clean people's feet? | ||
| What about it brings you joy? | ||
| Because if you need money, you might as well just slice mangoes on the side of the highway or something different. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| That's one where people love getting it done, but to do it, we'd be like, bleh. | ||
| Well, I get my nails done regularly. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's very relaxing. | ||
| But yeah, it's that weird thing where, you know, saying this, it's like, it's one of those jobs that's worked by, you know, non-white people for the most part, which I think is interesting. | ||
| Don't you think that's interesting? | ||
| As a woman who's got her nails done? | ||
| Entry level jobs for people that are first generation immigrant. | ||
| What would happen realistically if all immigrants were removed from this country? | ||
| Everyone's nails would look like shit. | ||
| And your clothes would look terrible. | ||
| They got rid of all the illegals. | ||
| Everybody who barely speaks English out. | ||
| Restaurants would fall apart. | ||
| There'd be no delicious food. | ||
| There'd be no fun music. | ||
| There'd be some fun music. | ||
| I mean some, but let's be honest. | ||
| Bachata is a lot of fun. | ||
| Black people make the most fun music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot of fun Latino music. | |
| That's true. | ||
| Not many songs in our culture can do one of these and it fits. | ||
| You know, especially at like a wedding. | ||
| But yeah, everyone will be jacked up. | ||
| No good food, no nails. | ||
| Do you like Gypsy Kings? | ||
| I don't know if I know Gypsy Kings. | ||
| That sounds very familiar. | ||
| Put it on. | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| Is there some? | ||
| It's too expensive. | ||
| No, no, it's not. | ||
| We'll get this yanked from YouTube. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You can't put any music on. | ||
| You can't put anybody's content. | ||
| I think I just... | ||
| Somebody sent me a song of Gypsy Kings recently. | ||
| They've been around forever. | ||
| Yeah, it sounds familiar. | ||
| But they're a badass Latino band. | ||
| And what I love is because I can't speak Spanish. | ||
| So when they're singing, it's just beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, whatever they're saying, it just sounds great. | ||
| It doesn't have any, like... | ||
| I know there's emotion. | ||
| I can feel the guy's emotion when he's singing, but I have no idea what he's saying. | ||
| So I don't need to hear it. | ||
| I just love the sound of it. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| The language is very melodic. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like Spanish, Italian. | ||
| Those Latin-based languages are very pretty to listen to. | ||
| There's a musical flow. | ||
| You ever hear people from Brazil speak Portuguese? | ||
| I mean, I flick a bean to it all the time. | ||
| That shit's sexy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have a way of talking. | ||
| There's an up and a down. | ||
| It's like a little dance. | ||
| Yeah, it is a little dance. | ||
| And then people where I'm from, like Syracuse, it's like, you guys want to go get a sandwich? | ||
| It's like you just don't want us to talk. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's actually they're trying to keep people from breeding. | ||
| It's like in the places that suck the most, they have the shittiest accents because they're trying to make everyone disgusting. | ||
| Well, I guess I'm not supposed to have a baby then. | ||
| I'm telling you, they're just trying to limit the numbers. | ||
| They don't want overpopulations in places that suck. | ||
| There's probably some legitimacy to what you're saying. | ||
| Dude, I'm a scientist. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You're a doctor. | ||
| I'm a doctor and you're a scientist. | ||
| Anybody who needs some advice, just call us at 1-800. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| There's a new documentary by the guy who wrote Cocaine Cowboys. | ||
| He did Cocaine Cowboys and a bunch of other documentaries. | ||
| Billy Corbin. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Billy Corbin. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Why did I choke on his lane? | ||
| Some water. | ||
| Anyway, Billy has a new documentary called Screwball. | ||
| It's all about Alex Rodriguez and the steroid scandal. | ||
| And one of the guys in it is a fake doctor who would wear a stethoscope around his neck. | ||
| Like, he got his degree in some... | ||
| Janky, overseas, university, and wasn't legal to practice medicine in the United States. | ||
| But he would call himself a doctor, and he had this stethoscope that he'd wear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How? | |
| In public? | ||
| Well, in his office, he'd walk around with a stethoscope around his neck, hanging around his neck. | ||
| Just in case you've got to check your heart. | ||
| Meanwhile, all he's doing is prescribing steroids. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| You remember this kid that was walking around? | ||
| He posed as a doctor and had multiple patients and got arrested like a year ago? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I remember this. | ||
| It's in Florida. | ||
| I guess it's in Florida, too. | ||
| It must be pretty easy. | ||
| Of course it's in Florida. | ||
| Does his name say Malachi? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a creepy name. | ||
| That's like Children of the Corn. | ||
| How do you pronounce that name? | ||
| Demonic. | ||
| Malachi. | ||
| Malachi? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is ballsy. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| That's not his real name. | ||
| Malachi Love Robinson? | ||
| Why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| That sounds like a character from some sort of porno. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Dr. Malachi A. Love Robinson. | ||
| Who's going to believe that? | ||
| PhD. | ||
| HHP-C. AMP-C. HPV-HIV. What are all those things? | ||
| What are all those other things that he has? | ||
| Healthcare proxy maybe? | ||
| Some bullshit? | ||
| AMP? I don't know what the hell. | ||
| That sounds like a gas station in Kansas. | ||
| Let's read his thing. | ||
| Dr. Malachi A. Love Robinson is a well-rounded professional that treats and cares for patients using a system of practice that bases treatment on physiological functions and abnormal conditions on natural laws governing the human body. | ||
| That's a run-on nonsense sentence. | ||
| But there's two A's. | ||
| You missed it. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Dr. Love Robinson utilizes physiological, psychological and mechanical methods such as air, water, light, heat, earth, phototherapy, food and herb therapy, psychotherapy, electrotherapy, physiotherapy, mechanotherapy, naturopath, corrections and manipulation and natural methods or modalities together with natural medicines, natural processed foods and herbs and nature's remedies. | ||
| I don't know what you just said. | ||
| The only thing that was true about that was manipulation. | ||
| But how was this guy, like, who read that and went, alright, we're in. | ||
| Yeah, who read that and was like, I need to make an appointment immediately. | ||
| We found the real doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even that photo. | |
| All these other bullshit doctors that don't use manipulation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| What doctor goes like this in a photo? | ||
| All of them now. | ||
| Imagine if that became the new thing. | ||
| Go to that doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| He had offices, so someone had to rent him the spot. | ||
| So they believed him too, not just the patients. | ||
| He had multiple offices? | ||
| He at least had an office, a office, like an office. | ||
| You gotta think, a guy who's that good of a bullshitter that pretends to be a doctor, actually gets patients, has got a stethoscope, got a website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it that good? | |
| But it's good enough that he's got patients. | ||
| It actually worked. | ||
| Imagine being so crazy that you tell everybody you're a doctor. | ||
| You don't know shit about medical practices. | ||
| You read his little bio there. | ||
| And you get offices. | ||
| Then you get patients. | ||
| You're treating patients. | ||
| It's the same as religion. | ||
| It's a similar approach. | ||
| You just find people who need something and they're gullible and they're vulnerable and they'll follow you anywhere. | ||
| Or religion is either that or it's a part of your culture. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You're born into it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's a cultural thing for sure. | ||
| It's when you hear about a 45-year-old dude becoming a Mormon. | ||
| You're like, hmm. | ||
| You're like, what happened? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're lost. | ||
| Maybe just have a great group of people that are also Mormons and you're like, fuck it, I'll join. | ||
| I guess that would happen. | ||
| Maybe even with Scientology, that's what happens with people. | ||
| Especially in Hollywood, they just get so desensitized. | ||
| They get everything they want and they're looking for more. | ||
| I need purpose. | ||
| If I was jaded, I would say that they think they're going to enhance their career. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I used to think that. | ||
| Because there was at least a lot of people in the film industry that were Scientologists. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Have you ever gone to a meeting? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I did go to one of those... | ||
| They had a conference table, a folding table set up in San Diego. | ||
| And they had the two coffee cans with the strings on them that you hold on to. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And they ask you questions about your childhood and weird stuff. | ||
| And you say it into the coffee can? | ||
| No, you hold these things. | ||
| It's called a... | ||
| It's called... | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| An e-meter? | ||
| I snorted so loud. | ||
| It's called an e-meter. | ||
| You hold on to it, and it gives you some sort of a reading on this fucking graph. | ||
| It's totally non-scientific. | ||
| It's horse shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, you know, the guy who was... | ||
| It was really interesting, because the guy who was doing it must be just like some regular dude who's in the church that they make do it. | ||
| It's not like he wants to do it. | ||
| Nobody wants to do that. | ||
| But you could tell. | ||
| He was like a volunteer, because he was like, yeah, maybe you have a problem with your dad or something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He wasn't really selling it at all. | ||
| So basically how I am as a doctor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Is what you was? | ||
| That's how he was. | ||
| Selling the Scientology? | ||
| Yeah, as a Scientology pusher. | ||
| I want to go to a meeting just to see what it's like. | ||
| Just out of curiosity. | ||
| Just to be in there, you know, in that moment and see what the hype is about. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of money, right? | ||
| You have to think that they're massive real estate holders. | ||
| They've earned millions and millions of dollars. | ||
| And they have tax-free exempt status. | ||
| Because it's a religion? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tax exempt. | ||
| That's some bullshit. | ||
| They don't have to pay taxes. | ||
| Oh, it's crazy. | ||
| They sued and won it. | ||
| Yeah, they sued the IRS. See, this is the problem where on one side of the coin, people are good manipulators. | ||
| On the other side, people are idiotic to believe and deal with half of the shit that they believe and deal with. | ||
| See, I think there are a bunch of different things at once. | ||
| There's the wacky beliefs that L. Ron Hubbard, all that stuff that he created, but then there's also the Klan. | ||
| Like the mentality, like being a part of a Klan? | ||
| Right, the tribal mentality. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's funny that the Ku Klux Klan, they kind of stole the word Klan. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You say it, you get self-conscious. | ||
| It's the correct word for a tribe of people. | ||
| Right, and it's not reserved for just a group of white supremacists. | ||
| I mean, it definitely indicates a whole bunch of groups of people. | ||
| I used to play Quake competitively. | ||
| If you tell people how Quake teams are, that they're clans, they're Quake clans, people are like, what? | ||
| And then they were like, you mean like the KKK? No! | ||
| No, just a group of people. | ||
| No, like Quake, you fucking idiot. | ||
| With a common mentality, that's it. | ||
| A group, a band of people. | ||
| A band, yeah, brothers. | ||
| But that happens. | ||
| People just take over something and then that something becomes negative from then on. | ||
| Well, then they have a platform as well. | ||
| Then they're like social justice warriors about it. | ||
| They're cheering it from the rooftops and making tweets about it and how it's a fucked up situation. | ||
| Are they really? | ||
| I don't think anybody's doing that. | ||
| If you were to say any word, people are like, oh my god, this person said this. | ||
| It's racist. | ||
| It's like, I was just saying Klan. | ||
| I wasn't saying anything else. | ||
| But it's like the Hitler mustache. | ||
| You just gotta let it go. | ||
| It's too tricky. | ||
| It is! | ||
| If you get caught up in it... | ||
| Anybody who wants to wear the Hitler mustache now, like, you can't. | ||
| What, really? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Who wants to wear it? | ||
| Is somebody wearing it? | ||
| Michael Jordan wore it for a while. | ||
| That's right, he did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right, he did. | |
| Oh my god, he did playing basketball. | ||
| That's kind of fun. | ||
| I don't know if he was playing basketball. | ||
| He wasn't? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He was retired? | ||
| Like a Hanes commercial or something, I think. | ||
| Oh my. | ||
| Yeah, he had a goddamn Hitler. | ||
| That's brazen. | ||
| You can't even... | ||
| Like, when does it become a Charlie Chaplin? | ||
| It starts as a Hitler. | ||
| Like, when it gets to the outer edge of the nostrils, is it a Charlie Chaplin? | ||
| Well, Charlie Chaplin had a Hitler. | ||
| He modeled it after Hitler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| Yeah, Hitler was a huge fan of Chaplin. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| There's some crossover there. | ||
| You mean Chaplin was a huge fan of Hitler? | ||
| Hitler was a fan of Chaplin. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Chaplin just kind of, you know, because Chaplin was a little bit of a rebel, man. | ||
| So why did Chaplin wear his mustache? | ||
| I think it's like a little tongue-in-cheek. | ||
| How Michael Jordan's Hitler mustache boosted sales at Hanes. | ||
| Let me see that photo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Make that larger. | ||
| Dude, that is so crazy. | ||
| That is so crazy. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| Even he had to give it up. | ||
| Even Michael motherfucking Jordan had to give it up. | ||
| Jordan camouflages the mustaches to a small extent with a corresponding soul patch under his bottom lip, but the lip beard appears to be exactly that. | ||
| A beard trying to disguise the Teutonic neighbor upstairs. | ||
| What a great sentence. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great sentence. | ||
| That's a great sentence. | ||
| It's Teutonic neighbor. | ||
| Teutonic neighbor. | ||
| That's really good. | ||
| I don't even know what Teutonic means. | ||
| Do you know what Teutonic means? | ||
| I've never used that word. | ||
| It's capitalized. | ||
| Hit it. | ||
| Hit it. | ||
| Maybe like a... | ||
| Probably because it's not a real word. | ||
| A motherfucker thinks it's a name. | ||
| It has to do with war or something? | ||
| Like some... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, let's see what it says. | |
| Relating to the Teutones. | ||
| Relating to the Teutones, denoting Germanic branch of the Indo-European language family. | ||
| I hate when that's the definition. | ||
| You're like, what's Teutonic? | ||
| So go back to that. | ||
| Go back to that statement again. | ||
| Back to the statement? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That we're just reading from? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It says, a beard trying to disguise its Teutonic neighbor upstairs. | ||
| How is that? | ||
| So maybe those people wore those stashes? | ||
| Maybe Hitler got it from those people? | ||
| No, it's because it's Germanic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But like, who's the... | ||
| Denoting a German... | ||
| Maybe it was a Germanic mustache. | ||
| Yeah, maybe it was a la mode of the times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, maybe a bunch of people had Hitler's. | ||
| Kind of like how there's full beards now. | ||
| Is a full beard the Hitler of our society? | ||
| Just like a common beard? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Can you imagine if somebody rolled around with a Hitler stash today? | ||
| That'd be really wild. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| That's too much, right? | ||
| Yeah, but here's what's weird. | ||
| I've talked about this on stage too. | ||
| Why is it okay to dress like Genghis Khan? | ||
| Who's dressing like Genghis Khan? | ||
| If you want to do it for Halloween. | ||
| Why is it okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like, it shouldn't be okay? | ||
| Well, you can't be a Nazi. | ||
| You can't be Hitler. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| I mean, that's just... | ||
| People won't let you. | ||
| Well, it's also kind of lacking creativity. | ||
| Like, you want to be a Hitler? | ||
| It's like dressing up like a sexy baby. | ||
| Are we really doing this? | ||
| Is this necessary? | ||
| A lot of people are doing that. | ||
| No one needs to see sexy babies. | ||
| No one needs to see a Hitler. | ||
| Well, slow your roll, because some girls should definitely dress like a sexy baby. | ||
| Okay, so girls can dress like sexy babies, but I can't dress like a baby and open up packages on YouTube? | ||
| You could dress like a baby and open up packages on YouTube. | ||
| No one's stopping you. | ||
| You're fighting these invisible foes. | ||
| Because you just said that it would be cute, and now, before it wasn't, when I wanted to do it. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| I didn't think you were serious. | ||
| I wasn't. | ||
| No, I wasn't serious. | ||
| Cut to this afterwards, and it's just ten videos of me opening up packages of toys. | ||
| Just cereal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In your underwear. | ||
| In my underwear, yeah. | ||
| With your feet, fucked up toenails. | ||
| With my terrible, terrible chipped toenails. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing how many people have created a career just reviewing stuff on YouTube. | ||
| Like those tech review guys. | ||
| They make a shitload of money. | ||
| They don't even have to have degrees in electronics or in engineering or anything. | ||
| They just have to have a love of tech. | ||
| Like our friend Unbox Therapy, first of all, Lewis. | ||
| Think about how many views those videos get. | ||
| His videos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's one of the top ones, but there's... | ||
| Marcus Brownlee, who's also been on here. | ||
| There's 50 guys on there, at least, that are doing it. | ||
| Austin, not Duncan. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| As a viewer, to watch somebody else open gifts, that's like the worst part of Christmas morning, watching other people open gifts. | ||
| You're like, where the hell are my toys? | ||
| People get really into it. | ||
| They do. | ||
| It's bizarre. | ||
| Don't you think it's bizarre? | ||
| Flossie Carter's my favorite. | ||
| There's a thing that's going around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know who he is? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a jacked black eye. | ||
| He looks like a power lifter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With tattoos on his hands. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Like full out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And he uses technical terms mixed in with slang. | ||
| And he has a cat. | ||
| He's got a cool little cat that's always in the videos hanging out. | ||
| And he's an unboxer? | ||
| Yeah, he's a super knowledgeable guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When he's talking about the different details and what the camera's doing, but he does it in a funny way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's very funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also knowledgeable. | ||
| So if you're a dork like me and you're into phone technology, I'm really into phone technology. | ||
| I'm always fascinated by innovations in phone technology because it's like I'm watching someone build a bomb. | ||
| I'm standing back like, where the fuck are they going next? | ||
| Where is this going next? | ||
| This is ruining us now. | ||
| They want to make them faster and better and more... | ||
| Is he all hands too? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He's all hands? | ||
| Yeah, it's just his hands on the... | ||
| So this is Flossie Carter. | ||
| Shout out to Flossie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As far as the feel, lightweight, super comfortable. | |
| You can easily wear these all day. | ||
| And for the look, this is what they're going to look like when you're wearing them. | ||
| Neck tattoo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty fucking silly, but some people like him, some people don't. | |
| These really ain't my cup of tea. | ||
| He's got big hands. | ||
| He's got manly hands. | ||
| There's pictures of him on his Instagram. | ||
| He's jacked. | ||
| He lifts weights. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| What's his background? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| 2,753,495 views were his top 10 truly wireless earphones. | ||
| He's got a huge following, but it's because of that. | ||
| Because he knows what he's talking about, but then on top of knowing what he talks about, he's kind of fun to listen to. | ||
| Yeah, his voice is interesting. | ||
| His voice takes up a whole room. | ||
| Yeah, his voice is full. | ||
| It's a powerful voice. | ||
| He should do a TED Talk. | ||
| There's so many of those fellas out there that are carving their own niche and gals, reviewing things, talking about things. | ||
| There's so many different people doing shit like that now. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I guess it makes sense because there's such a huge space for the techie nerds to indulge in that stuff and become fans of that sort of... | ||
| Well, also, no one would have ever made that a television show. | ||
| And if it was a television show, people might not have watched it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's easier on YouTube where you can just... | ||
| Click it at your leisure. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about the on-demand. | ||
| It was Tech TV, though, which is gone, so it sort of just replaced whatever... | ||
| Yeah, but Tech TV was never this in-depth. | ||
| They would go... | ||
| They would gloss over things. | ||
| They would have a synopsis of... | ||
| It was still TV. They still had commercials, I guess. | ||
| They did everything like a television show. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I loved Remote Control. | ||
| I mean, not Remote Control. | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| Screen Savers. | ||
| Remote Control was the MTV show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just going to say, I thought that was an MTV. Jenny McCarthy and Chris Hardwick. | |
| Chris Hardwick. | ||
| Yeah, he had a couple extra LBs on him. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he had a soul patch then as well. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, he had like a downstairs Hitler. | ||
| Hitler in the basement is what that is. | ||
| You're allowed to have a Hitler in the basement. | ||
| Yeah, you can have Hitler in the basement, just not in the attic. | ||
| It's too close. | ||
| But isn't it weird, though, that, I mean, not saying that anybody wants to dress like a Nazi, I don't want to just... | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| I have to say that. | ||
| I have to say that. | ||
| But if you dressed like a murderer from the past, like Genghis Khan or something like that, you actually would get in trouble now for cultural appropriation. | ||
| You know where you wouldn't get in trouble? | ||
| Is at the Renaissance Fair. | ||
| When they have like Heroes and Villains Day. | ||
| Depends on what you're doing with your eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go do it there. | |
| If you've got some squinty eye thing going on with tape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God! | |
| Too far! | ||
| You've taken it too far. | ||
| But why is it weird that a physical characteristic like eyes, like small eyes, is offensive to discuss? | ||
| Isn't that fascinating? | ||
| It is fascinating, but I... Or to recreate. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Is it offensive or is it people enjoy the feeling of being offended? | ||
| I think there's a sweet spot in the middle there. | ||
| I would beg to differ that some of the people in society who are offended by words, terms, sentences aren't necessarily truly offended as much as they want to say they're offended. | ||
| I am 100% on board with you, Ms. Peluso. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| Dr. Peluso. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Thank you, Dr. Peluso. | ||
| I have a HPV, HD, PHI, ABD. I can't... | ||
| I mean, people get offended. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's exhausting. | |
| People love getting offended. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| They love getting offended. | ||
| And you know what they also love doing? | ||
| Not doing shit about it. | ||
| But, in their defense... | ||
| If you see, like, a movie where a dude is playing an Asian man, but he's a white dude and they do some malarkey with his eyes, you're like, motherfucker! | ||
| He said malarkey with his eyes! | ||
| What, did he turn him into a leprechaun? | ||
| Something Irish with his eyes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some, like, Charlie Chan type shit. | |
| Oh, they did some malarkey with his eyes? | ||
| You ever seen, ah, the fucking malarkey! | ||
| The fucking old fucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They used that special effects malarkey and changed him into a Chinaman. | |
| Oh, that goddamn leprechaun, that fucker! | ||
| You could be an Englishman. | ||
| No one has a problem with calling someone an Englishman, but you call someone a Chinaman and they'll go, whoa, you're getting weird there. | ||
| It's exhausting when people are offended. | ||
| It's like girls being offended and writing articles about guys that are doing Me Too moments, but they're not going to the rallies. | ||
| They're not involved in the community. | ||
| They're not really moving the needle. | ||
| They're just screaming. | ||
| Is it good to go to rallies? | ||
| I think it's good to be also actively and physically involved in whatever movement you believe in. | ||
| I think just saying it and posting it on Twitter is a facade. | ||
| But it's good for likes. | ||
| You can get a lot of likes. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| I mean, I guess there's some eyeballs on it. | ||
| You're creating a conversation, but I don't know. | ||
| I just believe in walking the talk a little bit more. | ||
| What the fuck were we just talking about? | ||
| Genghis Khan. | ||
| Oh, Chinese actors that get fucked out of roles by white people. | ||
| They don't do that anymore, but they used to. | ||
| And one of the big ones was Charlie Chan. | ||
| Charlie Chan was like a famous detective show. | ||
| Remember that show? | ||
| Was it casted as a white man? | ||
| It was a white dude playing a Chinese detective that was like super wise detective. | ||
| That's busted. | ||
| But he looks like a white guy who eats good. | ||
| Like Matlock? | ||
| More like... | ||
| Like the commish? | ||
| No, like... | ||
| That's right there. | ||
| Oh my... | ||
| Holy hell! | ||
| Yeah, that was Charlie Chan. | ||
| I'm offended. | ||
| Yeah, you should be. | ||
| He looks more like... | ||
| He looks like a shitty magician. | ||
| He looks like Chewy from the comedy store. | ||
| You guys don't remember Chewy. | ||
| That is offensive. | ||
| The same thing happened with... | ||
| Let me see that picture. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That shit is ridiculous. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| What is happening there? | ||
| He looks like he runs a casino in upstate New York. | ||
| And you ever hear him talk? | ||
| Can we play some of those? | ||
| I need to hear it. | ||
| Some Charlie Chan? | ||
| It was very offensive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dun dun dun. | ||
| Let's listen to some Charlie. | ||
| I'm shook right now. | ||
| What's that Jamie? | ||
| The same thing happened. | ||
| What year do you think this was? | ||
| 1945 it says. | ||
| Yeah I was going to say 50s. | ||
| Scarlett Johansson had that whole issue. | ||
| Remember she was cast in that movie and it was supposed to be an Asian role? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people went crazy over it? | ||
| And she bailed. | ||
| She bailed. | ||
| Let's hear some of this. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| Look at his face. | ||
| He doesn't even look remotely Asian. | ||
| Yo, they taped his eyes, for sure. | ||
| They did some weirdness. | ||
| But not much, because... | ||
| He looks like every housewife in Bev Hills. | ||
| Minus the facial hair. | ||
| The pulled back face? | ||
| Yeah, where you're like, take off 10 years. | ||
| But back then, you know, this guy could get away with that. | ||
| You know, what's his face? | ||
|
unidentified
|
John Wayne. | |
| Who's the lady in the saran wrap? | ||
| She's a ghost or some shit. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| What's happening to her? | ||
| That is bizarre. | ||
| I don't even know if they had saran wrap back then. | ||
| That could be just jizz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh shit! | |
| A bubble of jizz around her face. | ||
| Is that what you would do to wrap up food? | ||
| You'd have to jizz on things. | ||
| Spooge it and take it home after the party? | ||
| Just blow it up like a balloon. | ||
| Put your food inside of it. | ||
| The new jizz! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Food saver! | |
| What's up with her fucking face? | ||
| What is that shit? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| She's wearing like a glass veil or something? | ||
| Is that Shia LaBeouf? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| Is that Louis Gomez and Shia LaBeouf? | ||
| They're time travelers. | ||
| This is, I mean, isn't it great to live in this time where our movies are so much better? | ||
| But we're going to laugh in the future looking back at how stupid things are today. | ||
| You just can't see it coming. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| That's a cool chair. | ||
| What is that, dude? | ||
| Is that another Chinese guy? | ||
| That dude is serious. | ||
| That's not really a Chinese guy? | ||
| I think he's got some terrible face makeup I think added to him. | ||
| I think. | ||
| That looks like Joey Diaz on acid. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| With that head wrap. | ||
| That's fancy. | ||
| That looks like Tate. | ||
| It does look like Tate. | ||
| A regal Tate. | ||
| Like an older Tate on acid. | ||
| Yeah, a Tate on acid. | ||
| Real angry. | ||
| Ruling a kingdom after a couple divorces. | ||
| Yeah, he's like an 80-year-old Tate. | ||
| Yeah, that's offensive. | ||
| Well, that's what they used to do. | ||
| But look up John Wayne as Genghis Khan. | ||
| That's even dumber. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| They didn't even change anything, including the way he talked. | ||
| He talked like John Wayne. | ||
| We're gonna go out there and we're gonna fuck up these Russians. | ||
| He talked literally like John Wayne, but he was dressed with like a fur fucking hat on. | ||
| Oh, that made me cry laugh. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so dumb. | ||
| Oh my god, you gotta see it. | ||
| You gotta see it. | ||
| How when they made that movie were they like, this is it? | ||
| This is it. | ||
| They didn't know. | ||
| Everything sucked. | ||
| I mean, everything did kind of suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| There's only a few, like, Gone with the Wind. | ||
| Like, whoa, what did they do there? | ||
| There's like a few movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You know, Citizen Kane. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| You're like, wow. | ||
| This one doesn't suck. | ||
| Yeah, this is impressive. | ||
| I got lost in the film. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| There I am. | ||
| Genghis Khan. | ||
| I mean, the likeness is a little... | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| That's who he is. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Look at that beard. | ||
| He went from playing like a fucking sheriff in some wild west town to Genghis Khan. | ||
| Hollywood was so whitewashed. | ||
| It really, really was. | ||
| Well, they knew back then if they did a John Wayne movie, they would sell a million tickets. | ||
| That's really what the thing is. | ||
| I mean, an aspect of that is still going on. | ||
| It'll always go on. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And I sort of, I don't know if you feel the same way, I get it to a certain point. | ||
| Like when you go out in the comedy clubs and there's like a YouTube influencer booked on a weekend, you're just like, ah, fuck. | ||
| But then you're like, well, I kind of get it from a business standpoint. | ||
| If they're filling the rooms. | ||
| I did a gig in Arizona once and they had a daytime gig booked from a YouTube influencer. | ||
| They packed this place out at 11 a.m. | ||
| with like 12-year-old kids as fans. | ||
| Was his name Burt Kreischer? | ||
| Yes, it was. | ||
| It was the Burt Kreischer day show. | ||
| He didn't take his whole shirt off. | ||
| It was a crop top. | ||
| You are a halter. | ||
| Bert does those day shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does. | |
| He'll do radio and then he'll do a show at like noon for people that don't have jobs. | ||
| Yeah, it's like work, calling sick to work or something. | ||
| What does he call it? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Something like that, yeah. | ||
| Calling sick to work day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He took his shirt off at the Kings game. | ||
| God, this is so funny. | ||
| That lady didn't know what to do. | ||
| He's looking slim. | ||
| Yeah, that is slim for Bert. | ||
| That's only like 19 months pregnant. | ||
| Yeah, that's a protrusion. | ||
| And it's hard. | ||
| He's got an eight-year-old living in his body. | ||
| He's got an eight-year-old inside of him. | ||
| He has to take his shirt. | ||
| He takes his shirt off in the OR now. | ||
| Every time? | ||
| Yeah, he used to take his shirt off only in the main room. | ||
| He's like, well, the OR, keep my shirt on. | ||
| Now he decided no more of that. | ||
| Does it come off every show? | ||
| Every set. | ||
| Right when he gets on stage, he takes his shirt off. | ||
| When does he decide when that happens, I wonder? | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| Is there a moment? | ||
| Just right out. | ||
| That's how you do it. | ||
| Pre-mic grab or grabs a mic? | ||
| Well... | ||
| His body is a source of pride. | ||
| He enjoys the fruits of his labor and his appetite for indulgence. | ||
| I don't know if it's a body as much as it is a building. | ||
| It's a body. | ||
| People know it's his body. | ||
| They know he's the party animal. | ||
| He takes his shirt off. | ||
| And they go, alright, it's Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| He's fun. | ||
| It is a lot of fun. | ||
| There's an article that was written about that. | ||
| I was reading, this guy was talking about how hilarious it was. | ||
| It's a party. | ||
| It definitely is a party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's an animal. | |
| He is an animal. | ||
| And sometimes, you know, I mean, there's the opposite where people are just kind of quiet on stage. | ||
| If I could get a laugh just by taking off my shirt, I think I'd go for it. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Start off with it. | ||
| But now the problem is I think Bert owns it, which is weird. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like you think he should have some, like a little bit of a feeling about it? | ||
| No, like he owns it. | ||
| Like if you wanted to go up and take your shirt off, people go, what are you, copying Burt? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| He's the only one doing it. | ||
| He's the only comic derobing every time. | ||
| But there's some weird ones like that. | ||
| Bobby Lee takes his pants off. | ||
| I mean, I've seen that weenie weenie a few times, winking at me from the green rooms of the comedy store. | ||
| You should probably not tell people that. | ||
| If birds stop doing it, people will probably get mad now. | ||
| They'll get mad. | ||
| They'll throw things at him. | ||
| He can't. | ||
| He can't not do it. | ||
| They're like, take off the shirt. | ||
| Dudes will jump on him on stage and tackle him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, there's a couple dudes who go clotheless and take off their pants and their shirts. | ||
| But it's weird that that's Burt's thing. | ||
| Yeah, it is weird. | ||
| You're right, though. | ||
| If anybody else were to do it, they would know that that was a Burt situation. | ||
| There was another one like that that we were just talking about the other night at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Like, how crazy it is that someone took over a thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A stand-up comedian? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| I'm not going to remember. | ||
| I'm not going to remember. | ||
| I want to know what it is. | ||
| Well, there's a comic in New York. | ||
| It snaps. | ||
| It's got like a snap every time. | ||
| And you know, Frasier Smith, I love watching Frasier Smith when he's like, come on, people, these are jokes. | ||
| And he like snaps. | ||
| Snap is funny. | ||
| It's like a timekeeper. | ||
| I like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It keeps you in rhythm. | ||
| Yeah, it keeps you in rhythm. | ||
| It's musical up there sometimes if it's going well. | ||
| If it goes well. | ||
| It's weird how people can become like a thing. | ||
| Like, this is the guy who talks about food. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was thinking about that. | ||
| What comes first in that scenario? | ||
| Does it naturally evolve or does it happen once and then the person builds around it because it's a crutch? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| There's a fine line between the art and the... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And who, you know, do your thing. | ||
| Like, it's a short life. | ||
| Why not find that little niche that works for you and fucking make that money and have fun and bring some joy to people? | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| I have a problem with people who talk shit about people going after what they're doing and finding a little trick to it. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Is it what everybody's doing? | ||
| People get angry if they get tricked. | ||
| God damn it, I got tricked. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Fucking tricked. | ||
| I can't believe this shit, dude. | ||
| I remember there was this lady who reviewed video games. | ||
| She was talking about video games and they found a video of her from years earlier saying that she doesn't even play video games. | ||
| They were like, aha! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got me! | |
| I knew it! | ||
| You don't even play video games! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I knew it! | |
| You're a liar! | ||
| They were using it as evidence. | ||
| I was like, this is during that whole Gamergate thing. | ||
| This is evidence that the world has gone mad. | ||
| People are arguing over whether or not someone is a real video game player. | ||
| You're not even a real player, you fake play. | ||
| People have too much time on their hands, man. | ||
| Too much time. | ||
| And they get stuck in that web universe. | ||
| Well, not just that. | ||
| Like, yeah, people change. | ||
| Like, I wasn't playing video games just three months ago. | ||
| Now Jamie and Jeff and I, we're playing them every fucking day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You game now? | |
| We play this Quake game. | ||
| Oh, that's a video game. | ||
| Jamie fucked me up yesterday. | ||
| You beat his ass? | ||
| Beat me in the last one. | ||
| How did that feel? | ||
| It doesn't feel good. | ||
| Are you a good loser? | ||
| Yeah, we have fun. | ||
| We have fun. | ||
| We talk a lot of shit though. | ||
| I was just going to say you probably talked a lot of shit to Jamie after you lost. | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you cry? | ||
| No. | ||
| He did fuck me up on this one map that I was very angry at this map because you keep falling off of it. | ||
| It's so whack. | ||
| You fall off and you suicide. | ||
| He did a much better job. | ||
| But he owned me on the other one, so it evens out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good to play video games, to a certain degree. | |
| I like that one map that we play on, because when you do go out, you do suicide, but it's not that common. | ||
| That other one was just like, every time, and if you're jumping and you don't look behind you, you're like, fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| You watch yourself fall and explode when you hit the rock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How many times did I explode? | ||
| How many times did I fall? | ||
| Some in the range of 30. Not joking. | ||
| You really are new to it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And here's me falling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| God damn it! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Not again! | ||
| Fuck this map! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| Fuck this map! | ||
| Son of a bitch! | ||
| Shit! | ||
| Suck! | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Fucking suck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| And then Jeff's getting good too. | ||
| It's become a problem. | ||
| Jeff fucked me up yesterday too. | ||
| I think it's good to have, like, I wish I was good at video games. | ||
| I'm not that good at it. | ||
| What do you wish? | ||
| Why would you want that skill? | ||
| Because I think it's good, like, the hand-eye coordination and just, like, I don't know, being able to relax and play a game. | ||
| I'm going to fly a fucking Chinook. | ||
| You want to be them drone pilots in Vegas? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| So, what do you think about UFOs? | ||
| 100% real. | ||
| 100% real? | ||
| You ever see one? | ||
| I did actually see one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I did in New York City. | ||
| This was years ago. | ||
| I was walking downtown. | ||
| I used to bartend at this place called Puffy's Tavern in Tribeca. | ||
| Walking downtown. | ||
| Beautiful sunny day. | ||
| And as I'm crossing the street, I'm just looking at everybody. | ||
| Everyone's looking up. | ||
| Like, what are these people looking at? | ||
| I look up. | ||
| And there's this like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Like a weird... | ||
| Oval, chrome thing in the sky. | ||
| Pretty far up, but you could see what it was. | ||
| And I remember talking to the dude. | ||
| I'm like, what is that? | ||
| And he was videotaping. | ||
| He was like, I don't know. | ||
| We've all been standing here. | ||
| It hasn't really moved. | ||
| It just was kind of suspended in the air. | ||
| Not a lot of sound at all. | ||
| And I had to get to work. | ||
| I'm like, alright, well I gotta go make cowboy cocksuckers for investment bankers, so let me know what happens. | ||
| And I went to the bar, and it was on the news at the bar. | ||
| And it was just this weird... | ||
| It looked like that little bullet vibrator thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Or like a little suppository in the sky. | ||
| It was like a... | ||
| Like a balloon? | ||
| Yeah, almost like a balloon, but a little bit more elongated. | ||
| Very quiet. | ||
| It was bizarre. | ||
| Like a blimp? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| It sat upright. | ||
| It was almost like this was oval shaped. | ||
| Like a can. | ||
| A soda can floating in the sky. | ||
| Right, but oval. | ||
| Right side up. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It was bizarre. | ||
| But that was like the only real time where I was like, what is that? | ||
| I remember being a little kid thinking that I might have saw something, but I might have just convinced myself just because I was bored. | ||
| And also, as your memory recalls, you recreate what it was. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| But what do you remember? | ||
| Oh, I don't remember anything, really. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But what I was going to say is I watched this Bob Lazar and Area 51 documentary. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| It's a lot more interesting than I thought. | ||
| I always like to dismiss a lot of the UFO stuff because I'm always like, this is nonsense. | ||
| This is so silly. | ||
| But my friend Dave Foley, who I treasure and I value his opinion very highly... | ||
| He told me that he started getting obsessed with UFOs. | ||
| He said thanks to you I'm obsessed with UFOs. | ||
| I'm like thanks to me I'm not even obsessed with them anymore. | ||
| You cause a lot of obsessions I'm sure. | ||
| No but he and I when we used to work together on news radio I was deep in my obsession with UFOs. | ||
| I was convinced. | ||
| What kicked it off? | ||
| Just hearing people's stories? | ||
| If you only had one experience as a kid... | ||
| No, I don't even think I really did have an experience. | ||
| I think I probably saw a jet fly overhead and was like, I think that might be a UFO. And then I talked myself into it. | ||
| That's weird that you had an obsession not based off of your own experiences. | ||
| That's bizarre. | ||
| Yeah, I've always been super, super obsessed with space. | ||
| I think I had a really good teacher in seventh grade science, and I remember he said, if you really want to make your brain hurt, just look up and try to imagine something that has no end. | ||
| Try to imagine that the universe has no end. | ||
| You want to hurt your head? | ||
| Just look up at the sky and understand there's no end to this. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Because everything else in life and existence has a finality to it. | ||
| Every single thing. | ||
| Yeah, we think. | ||
| But this guy, when he planted that shit in my head, I remember thinking, wow, I never even thought of that before. | ||
| Like, I just looked at the stars, and I'd be like, oh, there's the stars, they look cool. | ||
| Oh, there's the moon. | ||
| I want to go to the moon. | ||
| You know, like a dumb kid. | ||
| You don't have the perspective of, like, the vastness of it. | ||
| Yeah, but when I was 13, this guy said that. | ||
| 13, maybe 14? | ||
| No, 12? | ||
| I guess 12. Somewhere in that range, 7th or 8th grade. | ||
| You just started, yeah. | ||
| I remember him saying that to me and then being obsessed with space after that. | ||
| Obsessed. | ||
| Like one thing that a teacher said. | ||
| And I was immediately like, what? | ||
| Like that was one of the first cool things I ever heard at school. | ||
| It is cool. | ||
| Well, he was a cool teacher. | ||
| He was a Vietnam vet. | ||
| There was a couple of these guys that were Vietnam vets that were super scary. | ||
| They were scary. | ||
| It's good to have a teacher like that, though. | ||
| That whole thing, our education system really fails a student sometimes, but I have teachers who invoke curiosity out of children who actually care and have an interesting curriculum that they bring to the table. | ||
| I only had a couple teachers like that that I can really remember, but... | ||
| Yeah, I think three. | ||
| The three teachers that I really remember, they're like, wow, that lady was so nice. | ||
| Out of your entire schooling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, same. | ||
| I had a really cool, Miss Lutwin was my first grade teacher, and she'd have us line up outside of her door, and she always had a pop collar. | ||
| She always smelled good, she always had a pop collar, and when you'd walk in her classroom, if you had a collar, she'd pop it. | ||
| So everybody sat in class with a popped collar! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And it just brought this cool mentality. | ||
| We felt like we were our own little clan in there. | ||
| Like the Miss Lutwin clan. | ||
| That's what it was like. | ||
| When did you know that you wanted to be a comedian? | ||
| Early, early on, like eight years old. | ||
| I was young. | ||
| Yeah, I was entertaining my sister. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| But I didn't know that I could make a career out of it, because where I grew up, there wasn't those, like, outlets. | ||
| You know, we didn't have, like, theater or any sort of cultural exposure that I could, you know, adhere to and just be like, oh, okay, cool, I'm going to be... | ||
| No gay people, that's what you're trying to say? | ||
| Exactly, thank you, no gay people. | ||
| Well, we did, they were hiding, because they didn't want to be murdered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ha ha ha, LOL. LOL, JK. So, how old were you when you first went on stage? | ||
| 19. Ah. | ||
| Yeah, I was 19 years old. | ||
| I thought you had to wait until 21. I didn't realize afterwards that you can get into a bar as a performer to make sure you don't drink. | ||
| Yeah, there was this cool place called the Cantab Lounge, which is Boston, right? | ||
| You know all about it. | ||
| Cambridge area had this bar called the Cantab Lounge, and downstairs there was this little performance space called the Third Rail. | ||
| And I used to do improv for like six months and then one of the dudes was like, you should try stand-up. | ||
| You might like it. | ||
| So this was in Cambridge you were doing this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's where I started stand-up in Boston. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What year was this? | |
| This was, let's see, I was 19. I'm 36 now. | ||
| I'm not doing that math. | ||
| I can't do that math. | ||
| I thought you would. | ||
| You're the scientist. | ||
| I'm the doctor. | ||
| I don't have time to do math. | ||
| I have to write prescriptions. | ||
| I'm too busy with my calculations about the size of the universe. | ||
| I have to go get my stethoscope. | ||
| I can't do the math. | ||
| I think you were 22. That's what it means. | ||
| I was 19. 19. 19? | ||
| I don't know what year it was. | ||
| 29? | ||
| I was going to mean 22 years ago. | ||
| 23 years ago? | ||
| What? | ||
| 80 years ago? | ||
| Fuck, you were bad at math just like me. | ||
| Well, it was whatever that... | ||
| I'm not even counting. | ||
| I'm just making numbers up. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| So, you're 36 now. | ||
| Yeah, I was 19. You started stand-up when you were 19. Almost 20 years ago. | ||
| Almost 20 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, and my dad was there. | ||
| Actually, I have it on tape. | ||
| You have it on date? | ||
| I do. | ||
| The first time I ever did stand up. | ||
| Don't watch it. | ||
| It probably fucked your head up. | ||
| It fucked me up for months. | ||
| You're like, God damn it. | ||
| Dude, it fucked me up for months. | ||
| Why did I think I could do this? | ||
| And like, it was just everything you could imagine it was. | ||
| It was. | ||
| It was all the things. | ||
| All the things. | ||
| It was just all the little... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clumsy. | |
| Clumsy and fast and not rooted in a narrative about my life. | ||
| It just was sort of a reflection of what I saw. | ||
| Essentially, you go up there and you imitate something until you have your own voice, for the most part. | ||
| Yep, for sure. | ||
| But I have it on tape and I'll never forget, you know, we even videotaped afterwards. | ||
| My dad came out from Syracuse to watch it. | ||
| My dad, he's since passed in October, but he came out and he was there for my first stand-up show. | ||
| And he's like, babe, you're going to be fine. | ||
| Dude, my dad's not in the industry. | ||
| He doesn't know shit. | ||
| This dude was like, you know, he sold real estate and bartend. | ||
| Like, he wasn't like in the entertainment industry, but he's like, babe, you're going to be fine. | ||
| You're great because you got high energy. | ||
| He's like, you're going to be fine because you're up there and you got high energy. | ||
| That's what the people like. | ||
| I was like, alright. | ||
| Okay, Dad. | ||
| So I just kind of always thought about that, like, aspect of it. | ||
| Like, just my physicality and not feeling embarrassed by it, you know? | ||
| Did you ever say to your dad, hey, what about Stephen Wright? | ||
| Yeah, you know, he definitely, he liked comedians like that. | ||
| One of my dad's favorite comics was Stanhope. | ||
| He loved Stanhope. | ||
| I'll never forget, I did a show with Stanhope in Syracuse, actually, and my dad was sitting next to me while we were watching Stanhope, and he leaned over, he was like, man, the mind on this guy. | ||
| It's like one of the brightest, brightest people I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| Dad should get out more. | ||
| Well, he's in a grave now, so... | ||
| He's only getting out as a ghost. | ||
| He's probably a drunk ghost at some girl's house right now because he can't find mine. | ||
| Stanhope is getting ready to film another special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very excited to watch. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be great. | ||
| Stanhope is like the equalizer when it comes to what's going on in society. | ||
| He just has a way of being like, boom, this is what's going on with gun control and with people being offended by terminology and words. | ||
| Here's why it's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's good like that. | ||
| Well, he works. | ||
| He's a guy that... | ||
| And he works on his own schedule. | ||
| He decides when to write, when to perform, when to tour, when to do... | ||
| And he's always like, I might just fucking retire. | ||
| And then, right back at it, New Special coming out next year. | ||
| He's always working. | ||
| He is always working. | ||
| He has his own lane. | ||
| I'm glad he's out there. | ||
| Yeah, he's amazing. | ||
| I love watching him. | ||
| I'm glad he's out there because he's basically an older version of the guy he was like 20 plus years ago. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| He's not changed at all other than become more wacky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking goofy suits that he buys. | ||
| It's goofy suits! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's goofy suits! | |
| It's fucking suits every time I see them. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| That's one of the things. | ||
| He owns the suits now. | ||
| I was just going to say. | ||
| No one can wear the suits. | ||
| If you wear a goofy suit, like a really shitty suit like Stanhope wears on stage. | ||
| Yeah, like a dusty, peach-colored suit with ruffles. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| He wears loafers like an old man from Caddyshack days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah! | |
| He looks like he used to sell cars 20 years ago and kept the outfit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I love it. | ||
| Frazier Smith's long lost cousin. | ||
| He looks like a ghost. | ||
| Toledo. | ||
| Cousin from Toledo who sells cars. | ||
| He looks like a ghost from the Titanic. | ||
| He rents out clowns. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at those shoes. | ||
| He's a rock star. | ||
| Look at those shoes. | ||
| But you're right. | ||
| That's his thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's his look. | ||
| No one can do that. | ||
| Terrible suits. | ||
| And he's been rocking this look for quite a while now. | ||
| Like, he used to dress like a normal person. | ||
| Well, semi. | ||
| I mean, there was always a level of eccentric... | ||
| Yeah, but he could replace his entire wardrobe for $40. | ||
| That's a luxury. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you could get that jacket for $2. | ||
| And it's amazing that he finds them all that seem to be tailored. | ||
| He gets them fixed. | ||
| It's like he's a fraud. | ||
| He takes these shitty fabrics to a real high-end tailor. | ||
| And he has them slim-fitted. | ||
| He pretends he finds them. | ||
| He finds some of them, but he definitely gets some nice tailored... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that shirt. | |
| It's a bum jacket. | ||
| That shirt... | ||
| It's not bum, though. | ||
| It's all nice and clean. | ||
| No, it is nice and clean, but I'm saying it looks like a bum that struck it rich real quick. | ||
| Like, he got money fast and didn't know what to do, so he just bought the same suits, but cleaner. | ||
| No, if a bum struck it rich, they'd be wearing, like, the finest things that they saw on the windows of those department stores when they were on the outside. | ||
| You think you just go from living in a garbage bag to Prada? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once you got on your feet and cleaned up and stuff. | ||
| I don't know if I could. | ||
| Take a couple of days to get used to the fact that you're rich now. | ||
| I don't know if I'd be able to. | ||
| Obviously, I don't have a knack for fashion. | ||
| I'm in a gangster hillbilly overall outfit. | ||
| It works. | ||
| I don't know if I'd be able to just know what to wear after being homeless for so long. | ||
| First, you've got to kick the heroin. | ||
| And the piss-stained shirt. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to kick all that. | ||
| You've got to clean your body up. | ||
| You've got $100 billion in the bank now, Claude. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| There's a little bit of a process. | ||
| You're not going from shit-stained shorts to Gucci pants. | ||
| Well, most people don't even make it. | ||
| When people win money in a lottery, they almost always spend it all or go crazy. | ||
| I don't think people get adjusted to that idea that all of a sudden, boom, somebody just drops off a giant chunk of change. | ||
| If you got inheritance money from Grandpa, it leaves you a million dollars, you're going to burn through that shit. | ||
| Most people, I don't even think it's reserved for homeless people. | ||
| I mean, like rappers, athletes, comedians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, that goes back to our education system. | ||
| We're not taught financial responsibility in high school. | ||
| We should be. | ||
| Listen, it doesn't matter if you teach comedians financial responsibility. | ||
| Most of us are not going to follow it. | ||
| I was lucky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're crazy. | |
| Crazy and impulsive. | ||
| I wanted to just at least have something saved for the future because I knew that about myself that I did not know enough so I started to save some and do a little bit of Googling. | ||
| For every Kevin Hart who has like real knowledge about finances, there's like four dudes like me. | ||
| I just have no idea what's going on. | ||
| Who's got like a custom gym and 16 cars on the way. | ||
| I'm not thinking. | ||
| I don't have any time for thinking. | ||
| But do you like that? | ||
| As a woman, our indulgences are like going to the spa or maybe shopping. | ||
| What's your thing like on a day off? | ||
| What do you do that brings you joy that is a commercial... | ||
| Like a material thing? | ||
| A material thing. | ||
| Obviously, you like your cars and stuff. | ||
| I enjoy cars, but I'm a big fan of engineering. | ||
| I love mechanical things. | ||
| I think my favorite car, I have this car that doesn't have any power steering, doesn't have air conditioning, and it's got an air-cooled engine. | ||
| It's one of my favorite cars. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Which car? | ||
| It's a 1993 Porsche RS America. | ||
| It's a really light car. | ||
| It's not really even that fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's not fast like a modern car. | ||
| It's definitely not fast compared to my Tesla. | ||
| Tesla is the craziest fucking car I've ever driven by far. | ||
| Every other car seems stupid. | ||
| What model is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They seem dumb. | |
| It's the Model S. I was just Googling that. | ||
| It's fucking preposterous how fast that car is. | ||
| And just the technology on it. | ||
| And does it also have auto? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Auto drives, does everything. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Like if you're driving down the highway, if you set up auto, does it legitimately go to your destination? | ||
| You have to hit this little thing to switch lanes to see that you want to switch lanes, but it'll switch lanes for you. | ||
| It will drive with the speed of traffic, so it'll slow down when traffic slows down, speed up and traffic speeds up. | ||
| It turns. | ||
| It makes perfect turns. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| So could you just be... | ||
| Could you zone out? | ||
| And let it go? | ||
| You really shouldn't. | ||
| But just as an argument. | ||
| You probably could. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You hold your hand on the steering wheel. | ||
| You're supposed to have light pressure on the steering wheel. | ||
| Apparently, some crazy fucks have... | ||
| That's what it looks like on the screen. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They just updated it last week. | ||
| Yeah, they updated it to recognize stoplights. | ||
| That is so... | ||
| I mean, the future is now. | ||
| That is so wild. | ||
| It's bananas. | ||
| But someone told me, I don't know if this is true and it's irresponsible for me to even say it, but I'm going to say it. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| This is your podcast. | ||
| You're living your truth. | ||
| I'm going to go crazy. | ||
| Someone said that you can bypass the touch sensors on the steering wheel that knows if you're holding on to the steering wheel with a tennis ball. | ||
| You shove a tennis ball in there, and if you do that, you can just go to sleep. | ||
| Holy... | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Modern Darwinism will take care of the rest. | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| I mean, people do dumb things. | ||
| I don't want people to die in his cars. | ||
| I don't want people to die either, but people do dumb things all the time. | ||
| But there's a difference between those kind of cars and the cars that I really like. | ||
| I like these mechanical cars. | ||
| They feel the gears. | ||
| See, this guy's got a tennis ball. | ||
| Oh, he's got an orange stuck in there. | ||
| He's got a little citrus. | ||
| See, citrus works for driving as well as getting rid of bacteria. | ||
| Yeah, he debunked Tesla's autopilot orange hack. | ||
| Oh, he debunked it. | ||
| To see if it worked or not. | ||
| I see. | ||
| It seems like it's working. | ||
| It does look like it's working. | ||
| It makes you hold on to it every now and then. | ||
| It doesn't make you hold on to it all the time. | ||
| As it should. | ||
| Debunking failed. | ||
| It actually does work that way. | ||
| I mean, how much is going on in your life that you can't... | ||
| I enjoy driving. | ||
| I enjoy the mechanism of it. | ||
| I enjoy where my mind goes. | ||
| I like blasting my music. | ||
| I may or may not hit a joint. | ||
| May or may not. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| But, you know, I enjoy driving. | ||
| Well, I do too, but I think if there was a button that you could press that said you drive, then the car just drives. | ||
| You hit that button all the fucking time. | ||
| Most of the time when you're in traffic, you just don't want to deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just hit that button. | |
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Especially in LA. If I'm going to the airport, I get up in the morning and I just hit that button. | |
| Yeah, I hit that button. | ||
| Let's go, bitch. | ||
| Press that button. | ||
| No, I barely pay attention. | ||
| Tap that shit. | ||
| All the way to the airport. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See, there's certain situations where it would be useful, definitely. | ||
| But when you're driving, like say if you're driving in a canyon, you know, like you're up these hills and driving around these beautiful scenic places, you want to be driving like a little sports car with a manual transmission. | ||
| Hugging those wheels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You want to feel it. | ||
| Grabbing the wheel and hugging the corners like a desperate person. | ||
| I feel like he can add that to the Tesla. | ||
| No. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because you won't feel the gears. | ||
| You won't feel the grinding. | ||
| You won't feel the shifting of the gear yourself. | ||
| It doesn't have any gears. | ||
| There's so many oral experiences you'd have to be lying to me about. | ||
| First of all, here's one. | ||
| The revving of the engine. | ||
| When you get up to redline, when you're shifting gears, it's like... | ||
| There's a sound that, especially like a really well-engineered German car has when they hit those high revs. | ||
| It's a symphony of coordinated mechanics. | ||
| It's all... | ||
| And you're shifting, and then you hit the fucking, you blip on the downshift. | ||
| Like on the downshift, you do what's called heel towing, where you got one foot on the brake, and you go like this. | ||
| So that as you're going from third to second, you give it a little extra juice so that your engine RPM catches up with where the gear's gonna be. | ||
| When you get into second gear, it's gonna rev higher. | ||
| So you... | ||
| It's like a coordinated effort. | ||
| All these things are happening. | ||
| It's not just like sitting there with an orange on your steering wheel and driving around. | ||
| It's just something else going on. | ||
| I just came in my pants from that whole description of... | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| If he made fart sounds, then he can make some fart sounds or something like that. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you make the sounds. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| I want to feel the shift. | ||
| You push the... | ||
| No, Jamie. | ||
| It's all about the shift. | ||
| Jamie, you're pushing your foot into the clutch. | ||
| You're putting the thing into gear. | ||
| It's a mechanical action. | ||
| You can't fake that. | ||
| No, you can't fake that. | ||
| I'm giving Elon... | ||
| I bet Elon can fake it. | ||
| He's not going to. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Listen, if he did, it would be less good than what he has. | ||
| What he's got is better than any other car. | ||
| Right, because it's a basic level of driving. | ||
| It's not, you know, you're not interactive with shifting and everything, which is probably the fun of having a car where you can actually drive it manually. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch of things. | ||
| First of all, with his car, they don't have any gears. | ||
| It's just one gear. | ||
| It doesn't shift. | ||
| It doesn't change. | ||
| That's bizarre. | ||
| It doesn't hit a red line and then you have to move to third gear. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or it does it itself. | ||
| It just has one gear. | ||
| And then on top of that, it has this giant navigation screen. | ||
| I mean, it's the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| It's like 14 inches tall. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then on top of that, it's got like all these safety features. | ||
| It's looking at things and warning you about this and shows you where all the cars are around you as you're driving. | ||
| Sounds like having my mom in the front seat. | ||
| Sounds like... | ||
| Just something over there. | ||
| Something here. | ||
| Watch out for that, hon. It's like, alright, shut up. | ||
| But what if your mom was psychic and she was just sending it to your brain? | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| Because it's not saying anything. | ||
| It's showing it. | ||
| Right, it shows it. | ||
| It doesn't say everything. | ||
| But doesn't it have a fart machine in there? | ||
| I read that there's a fart machine in the Teslas. | ||
| Well, you should read more. | ||
| Because that's not what it was. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| It's a whoopee cushion. | ||
| It's a fart sound that it can make if you want it to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not a fart machine, dude. | ||
| A fart machine would make actual farts. | ||
| Well, it makes a fart noise, though, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, I mean, essentially, it's a fart machine, just not like a... | ||
| Well, it's just a sound effect. | ||
| There's no mechanics to it. | ||
| There's no machine. | ||
| There's no machine, but there's like the... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's enough for me to get to Tesla. | ||
| There's different kinds of farts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You can have like wet farts, short little tiny farts. | ||
| Hookworm farts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What do you think a hookworm fart would smell like? | ||
| Like rotten fish? | ||
| Carcass. | ||
| Some dead worms inside your body? | ||
| Like a river-soaked carcass. | ||
| Have you ever seen an animal? | ||
| I know you have a lot of dogs. | ||
| You ever seen an animal shit out worms? | ||
| No, and I definitely don't want to, but now the image is just vivid in my mind. | ||
| I have, many times. | ||
| Like, how many worms are we talking? | ||
| Oh, like, worms coming out of their butt. | ||
| Like, you look in their butt, you see, like, little worms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You never seen that? | ||
| It's super common with dogs. | ||
| No, it's crazy that I haven't, because I have had so many dogs in my life. | ||
| That's, well, you... | ||
| Does that mean that they're, like, not normal dogs? | ||
| I haven't had them crap out worms? | ||
| Well, they probably didn't get dewormed, you know? | ||
| They didn't get their pills. | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| Maybe rescue dogs before, you know, the deworming stuff takes place. | ||
| But when I was a kid, our dog had it. | ||
| And I remember watching, like, little worms come out of her butt. | ||
| I was like, this is crazy. | ||
| Little white worms were wiggling around in her butt. | ||
| And I was like, what in the fuck is this? | ||
| Nature's weird, man. | ||
| There's something feeding on everything. | ||
| There's an organism feeding on an organism. | ||
| That's all this is. | ||
| Just organisms feeding on each other. | ||
| It's one big fuck fest with organisms. | ||
| Or leech fest. | ||
| Yeah, it is a leech fest. | ||
| These things, I don't think they fuck. | ||
| Do you think those parasitic worms fuck? | ||
| No, they just divide themselves. | ||
| There's no sex happening. | ||
| Speaking of fuck... | ||
| Did you see that python that they found in the middle of the Everglades that was 17 feet long? | ||
| Oh my... | ||
| So I googled it. | ||
| I saw this. | ||
| It's one of the things I was talking about exotic pets. | ||
| I googled it. | ||
| They get to 30 feet long. | ||
| I can't even understand that. | ||
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| So then I went down a hole. | ||
| Oh, I did. | ||
| I saw that photo. | ||
| A python hole. | ||
| The record 17 foot long python carrying 73 eggs captured in Florida's Everglades. | ||
| Another reason we should just get rid of Florida. | ||
| Snap it off and push it into the ocean. | ||
| There's too much craziness happening there. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Fucking snake. | ||
| Now here's the thing that freaked me out. | ||
| I found out those snakes get twice that length. | ||
| So this has only been going on apparently for like the last 15 or so years. | ||
| They apparently didn't have a real population of pythons in the Everglades. | ||
| 15 years ago. | ||
| Did somebody's pet get loose? | ||
| That thing had 73 eggs in it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| No, it didn't get loose. | ||
| Some asshole just released his snake. | ||
|
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|
Right. | |
| Someone just chucked it out the window. | ||
| And then it fucks up the balance of the ecosystem. | ||
| They escaped from a breeding facility destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992. Well, that makes sense. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's how a horror movie starts. | ||
| It is how a horror movie starts. | ||
| It is a great horror movie. | ||
| Somebody write that script. | ||
| Tens of thousands of Burmese pythons are estimated to now be living in the area. | ||
| And that's just now. | ||
| They've completely wiped out all the raccoons, all the skunks, all the rabbits. | ||
| It'll balance itself back out. | ||
| Yeah, they're eating alligators now. | ||
| Nice! | ||
| Those things eat alligators? | ||
| That's a video to see. | ||
| Forget the dude naked at Chick-fil-A. There's a photograph of one that died because the alligator chewed its way out of its body. | ||
| Nature is so brutal, man. | ||
| Nature is so goddamn ruthless. | ||
| But there's some beauty in that ruthlessness. | ||
| Just that undying desire for survival that exists in creatures like that. | ||
| There's no empathy. | ||
| There's no sympathy. | ||
| They're just going to eat their way out of you to survive. | ||
| Yeah, there's something cool about it as long as it's not your five-year-old kid that gets snatched up. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's a goddamn nightmare. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I can't show this, but this is just for you guys. | ||
| So what is this one doing? | ||
| This is the video. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| It's a different one. | ||
| I think this is an anaconda and a caiman. | ||
| It says, python eats alligator. | ||
| Alive. | ||
| Yeah, it eats the whole thing. | ||
| I mean, it eats the whole thing alive. | ||
| Is that a python for sure? | ||
| Yeah, it seems like it is. | ||
| That's actually a video of me eating a grilled cheese at 2am. | ||
| It is sped up, but look how it gets all the way down to the fucking tail. | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| I wonder if snakes have taste buds or if it's just for pure hunger. | ||
| Dude, just stop and think about what we're looking at here. | ||
| This fucking snake just ate a whole alligator. | ||
| There goes a tail. | ||
| Oh my. | ||
| It's in its body and it's just going to break it down. | ||
| Look at that evil in his fucking eyes. | ||
| But then he's got to go away and chill because they're vulnerable when they eat that. | ||
| He's got to go and just hide in a... | ||
| Hide under a canopy. | ||
| Well, that's why there's not snakes everywhere on Earth. | ||
| Well, now there are in Florida. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, they're not everywhere. | ||
| Because if they really could just eat and then go out and eat again, like real quick, like how a lion could. | ||
| Right. | ||
| All the ecosystem would be destroyed. | ||
| They'd eat up everything. | ||
| That's the one where the alligator chewed its way out. | ||
|
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|
Eww! | |
| Look at that. | ||
| Also kind of badass of that alligator. | ||
| It looks like the tail popped out. | ||
| Yeah, maybe the tail, you know, because those tails are very strong and they're so thick. | ||
| It's like an armor. | ||
| Go to that website. | ||
| That's wild, man. | ||
| See what it says about it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That is really wild. | ||
| But that just shows you how hungry these fucking things are. | ||
| They've eaten everything that's out there. | ||
| But also their ability to capture something and then kill it that's that vicious. | ||
| Right, an alligator. | ||
| Those are kind of hard to sneak up on and capture and hold on to. | ||
| I don't think they are. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No, I think that's one of the reasons why it could get it so quick. | ||
| I think they just lay around most of the time. | ||
| And I think alligators don't tweak because they don't have any natural enemies until the pythons came along. | ||
| Because they're so badass. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think they're equipped for this. | ||
| Yeah, they're probably not equipped for you. | ||
| You're probably right. | ||
| The snake found a vulnerability in the system. | ||
| He's like, I'm going to snack on alligators. | ||
| I wonder how long it takes a snake with its nasty gut juices to break down alligator hide. | ||
| Three days. | ||
| Three to four days. | ||
|
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|
Really? | |
| That's my guess. | ||
| I'm going to say at least a week to break down all that. | ||
| Maybe even longer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got to have some gnarly acids in its stomach to break that down. | ||
| Yeah, some shit like from the movie Alien. | ||
| Yes, like battery acid. | ||
|
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|
It just burns right through it. | |
| Why aren't we like using snake acid to break down rust on cars and stuff? | ||
| We should be looking into that. | ||
| Yeah, it would clean up everything. | ||
| Probably would clean up everything. | ||
| An animated recreation of the python-alligator battle suggests that the python might have survived its massive meal, but that a second gator came to the rescue and bit off the snake's head. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Was that the alligator's bitch being like, no! | ||
|
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|
No! | |
| The force of the tussle, the new theory says, is what caused the python to burst. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So an alligator came and fucked him up after he ate an alligator. | ||
| A homie came and rescued him. | ||
| I don't think they have any homies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No, I think they're assholes. | ||
| I think they're assholes with tiny little brains and they just chew things and suck them down. | ||
| They just fuck reptilian style? | ||
| Did you ever see that video of the crocodiles and they go to feed them? | ||
| And it was on my Instagram. | ||
| Jamie, the one with the crocodile. | ||
| Little death roll situation. | ||
| This lady goes to throw some chicken out for the crocodiles and the crocodiles snap up the chicken and one crocodile reaches over to the guy next to him and bites his leg. | ||
| Bites the crocodile's leg and just rolls. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Snaps it off and chucks it down, swallows it. | ||
| And the other alligator, the other crocodile, doesn't even budge. | ||
| He just got his arm bit off. | ||
| He's like, what happened? | ||
| Oh my fuck! | ||
| This is when you realize what these things are. | ||
| They don't give a fuck! | ||
| It's so crazy to watch. | ||
| They're dinosaurs! | ||
| This thing doesn't even freak out that its arm got bitten off and swallowed by his neighbor. | ||
| Well, I will say if I'm eating a really delicious sandwich and someone bites me, I'm going to be like, I'm just going to finish the sandwich. | ||
| I have to be honest. | ||
| How hungry are you? | ||
| If you're very hungry... | ||
| Well, he's not even finishing. | ||
| He's lying there. | ||
| And the other crocodile bites his leg and then rips it off. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| That's some bullshit. | ||
| Just watch it. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Now watch. | ||
| They run in. | ||
| See, this one's snacking up. | ||
|
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|
And look. | |
| Grabs it. | ||
| And now watch. | ||
| Gator roll. | ||
| Death. | ||
| Snaps it off. | ||
| And now watch. | ||
| Chucks it down. | ||
| But look at him. | ||
| He doesn't even do anything. | ||
| What the fuck, bro? | ||
| He just lost his leg. | ||
| And he's like, what the fuck, bro? | ||
| I mean, those are not regenerative, right? | ||
| Yes, they are. | ||
| Can he grow another paw? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, they grow other paws all the time. | ||
|
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|
Fool. | |
| That is so wild. | ||
| I want to put some gator DNA on my face. | ||
| I bet you that's really good for just keeping your shit fresh. | ||
| Or you look like scales. | ||
| You want that? | ||
| That'd be kind of cool. | ||
| Forever? | ||
| Scales? | ||
| I'd be a superhero. | ||
| I could probably capitalize on it. | ||
| Then you never have to worry about what you look like, right? | ||
| Just glue scales to your face. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Just glue them to there right now. | ||
| I'm not going to wear any rouge. | ||
| I got scales. | ||
| I'm going to go out. | ||
| Some girl had to be the first girl to get a face tattoo. | ||
| You could be the first girl to get scales. | ||
| Probably a really long time ago, some bitch got a face tattoo. | ||
| Well, most likely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tribal. | |
| Yeah, most likely tribal. | ||
| Definitely a tribal. | ||
| Maybe like one of those polyandrous tribes. | ||
| What is this, Jamie? | ||
| That's what it looks like inside. | ||
| Snake with an alligator inside of it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It does take three days for it to break down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Profile scientist. | ||
| Doctor slash scientist. | ||
| Coming into your lane. | ||
| Better watch out. | ||
| I'm a doctor and a scientist. | ||
| And you know all about gut acids. | ||
| I know about gut acids because I'm Italian. | ||
| I've got agita. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Agita. | |
| I haven't heard agita in forever. | ||
| Agita. | ||
| Agita's a real thing. | ||
| That's science. | ||
| That's Sicilian science. | ||
| He's got the fucking agita. | ||
| I can't eat meatballs. | ||
| They give me the agita. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What's crazy about the Everglades is if this is how it is now, imagine what it's going to be like 20 years from now when these things just keep breeding. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to take a few generations for that to balance back out. | ||
| They need to put some wolves in that area and get it all back to where it should be. | ||
| Well, they have crocodiles in there now, too. | ||
| There's been confirmed sightings of Nile crocodiles, not American crocodiles, Nile crocodiles, for the same reason. | ||
| Dude, that's wild. | ||
| Where the alligators are? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucked. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked, because those are the ones that eat zebras and shit. | ||
| Yeah, they're gonna eat everything. | ||
| They're gonna be eating... | ||
| Watch... | ||
| Hide your kids, hide your wife. | ||
| Yeah, they don't... | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| They'd be raping everybody in here. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, this is what I'm saying. | ||
| He found a lane and he capitalized off of that little moment. | ||
| He did for a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, for a hot minute. | ||
| And now we know who he is by just saying a phrase. | ||
| Yeah, I met him. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, I met him at one of the UFCs. | ||
| Oh, that's wild. | ||
| Was he a gentleman? | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| He was super confused about his life. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| Why am I here? | ||
| Everybody knows me. | ||
| Like, he went from being just a regular guy talking about break-ins. | ||
| Yeah, he was on the news. | ||
| They interviewed a dude on the news. | ||
| And he was so funny that he became like a viral star and then next thing you know, Dana White flew him out to the UFC and we were hanging out with him backstage. | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| He was like, what is this life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| How about that Cash Me Outside girl? | ||
| She is a... | ||
| She's rich as fuck. | ||
| She's a rapper. | ||
| She's got like 20 million followers on Instagram. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| And she's rapping. | ||
| She's got a giant billboard on Sunset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| One of them buildings where they have the whole thing. | ||
| Body B? Body? | ||
| Bad Baby? | ||
| Bad Bobby? | ||
| Bad Biddy Biddy Boppity Boo? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| But you know, sometimes when I work out, I put female rapper station on Spotify and she pops up. | ||
| Look at his hair now. | ||
| Live in your truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Formerly gay. | ||
| Antoine Dodson announces his baby boy's birth after expressing his desire to get married. | ||
| That's a confusing headline, but live it. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| He looks great there. | ||
| You should be open to change. | ||
| People should be... | ||
| Do you think that someone can be gay and then that it could switch over? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And they stop being gay and they start being attracted to women? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| We're on a dot suspended in nothing that's expanding. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why is that so stunning to think, right? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| Because I think what you just said, people exist, some people exist in these comfortable bubbles, and they have their routines, and they fear change because of the exhaustion, because of what it takes, and then when they hear somebody else live in a life that's outside of their little bubble regimen, they freak out because maybe it reflects their own inability to change themselves or their fear of changing. | ||
| So I think a lot of that where people look at someone like Antoine Dodson who's in a wig and wears lip gloss, they're like, what's that? | ||
| First of all, you don't know that's a wig. | ||
| That's hurtful. | ||
| It could be his real hair. | ||
| Did I trigger you? | ||
| Do you have his hair sensitivity? | ||
| He has the exact same hair as Beyonce. | ||
| It's his real hair. | ||
| I think the same thing when I wake up. | ||
| She's real too, by the way. | ||
| That's a real woman. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Better watch out. | ||
| Those hips will snap you. | ||
| You can turn on people that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| By bringing something up that they didn't even say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| And then saying, don't ever fucking say anything about her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I didn't. | ||
| You're like, what are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the hell happened? | |
| All of a sudden you're on a defensive. | ||
| Be careful of people like that. | ||
| People are crazy. | ||
| They are sneaky. | ||
| And I know what you're going to say next. | ||
| You're going to say. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's mental illness. | ||
| You're going to say that Donald Trump is a strong leader. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I wasn't going to say that. | ||
| You're like, wait a minute. | ||
| You're going to say that we need border security. | ||
| I know what the fuck you're doing, racist. | ||
| Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You're like, I'm just trying to have a conversation here. | ||
| I mean, we need some border security, don't we? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| God damn it. | ||
| People will get mad. | ||
| Go down that wormhole with crazies. | ||
| Dude, you ever see what the border looks like in Canada? | ||
| The middle of the forest? | ||
| I would imagine just like maple syrup fountains. | ||
| No, it's paved. | ||
| It's like, not paved, it's like trimmed. | ||
| All the trees are trimmed. | ||
| So people can see and hop over? | ||
| And it's like 100 yards wide. | ||
| There's like a path. | ||
| That's a hundred yards wide. | ||
| That is like the border between us. | ||
| Like say if this table was like barren and there's forest on this side and forest on that side. | ||
| That's what the path is like. | ||
| The entire length of the connection between the United States and Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's trippy. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| That's trippy. | ||
| Also, did you just call me barren? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| I said, it's barren, not you. | ||
| I was like, true, probably. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Have you seen it in person? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just found out about it like two weeks ago. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| Crocodiles apparently can't regrow their limbs. | ||
| Oh, that's a bummer! | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| I just looked it up. | ||
| Even their tails? | ||
| Other amphibians can, but crocodiles and alligators can't. | ||
| I guess they're not. | ||
| They can live without a limb or two, it says, but they can't regrow. | ||
| That's a bummer. | ||
| You would think they would, because you would think genetically they're similar salamanders. | ||
| I looked this on a couple websites. | ||
| I'm not the scientist here. | ||
| Well, it's on a couple websites. | ||
| We know you aren't, because he's sitting right here. | ||
| I'm not a scientist either. | ||
| There can't be two scientists. | ||
| I like to be a doctor of something, though. | ||
| It sounds good. | ||
| You're a doctor of comedy. | ||
| Dr. Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| There's one picture of it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That just looks like a power line path. | ||
| It looks like cocaine. | ||
| Like a big line to snow. | ||
| Yeah, because it's snow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| No touching zone. | ||
| I have the no touching zone, too. | ||
| That's the zone right there. | ||
| That's all my zones. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| That's the border between the U.S. and Canada. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| By the way, if you go up there, that is God's country. | ||
| That is spectacular. | ||
| I would love to blaze a blunt and walk that whole fucking thing. | ||
| It'll freak you out. | ||
| Do you ever go hiking deep in where you got no cell phone reception and you get to... | ||
| Not like where it's that deciduous, but like in, you know, like... | ||
| Look at you, deciduous. | ||
| Second big word of the day. | ||
| Shut up, Joe Rogan! | ||
| This bitch is slinging the big words. | ||
| I know I'm in overalls, but I am somewhat well-read. | ||
| I'm a fucking doctor. | ||
| I forgot you were a doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a doctor. | |
| I'd like to be a doctor of something. | ||
| I feel you're a doctor of comedy, for sure. | ||
| I don't have it, though. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| I know there's no mastering. | ||
| You and I have talked about this before, and I said something like, I don't know... | ||
| You were like, how's comedy? | ||
| I'm like, I'm just trying to figure it out. | ||
| You're like, none of us ever will. | ||
| I'm not saying that you're the end of it, but I think... | ||
| I was watching you on stage at the Comedy Store and Hinchcliffe was next to me. | ||
| And you're doing your set killing and having a great show. | ||
| And this woman yells out in the middle of a joke. | ||
| And you just kept fucking going. | ||
| You were so disciplined. | ||
| You didn't miss a beat. | ||
| You didn't acknowledge her. | ||
| You didn't give her any sort of energy or attention. | ||
| You just were so in your joke. | ||
| And I just looked at Tony and he was like, I know. | ||
| Everybody else would have went to her, totally just abandoned their joke and messed up the flow. | ||
| But you just... | ||
| In that day, I was like, damn, I need to stick to my jokes more than indulging people who are yelling at me from the audience. | ||
| Sometimes you have to indulge it, and sometimes they are also going to ruin it for the people around them. | ||
| That's the number one thing to, like when people go, yeah, you just can't fucking hang. | ||
| Like, people have said that to like Chris D'Elia. | ||
| This lady called him, what did she say? | ||
| She goes, you're a planner, not a comedian. | ||
| A real comedian can deal with someone yelling something out. | ||
| Like, Chris told her to shut the fuck up and get out of there, and they kicked her out. | ||
| And that was her thing, that you're a planner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A planner! | |
| And so now that I'll text Chris D'Elia out of nowhere, you're a fucking planner, bro. | ||
| You're such a planner. | ||
| Comedians are the most unorganized people ever. | ||
| If anything, they're the worst planners. | ||
| Sometimes you have to address them. | ||
| Sometimes you do. | ||
| The real problem is that they're fucking it up for the people around them. | ||
| They think they're just interacting with you, but they're not taking into consideration the fact that Even if you don't like what someone's saying, let them say it because there's 300 other fucking people in the room. | ||
| And you don't get to decide. | ||
| You're not the program director. | ||
| You don't get to decide what you like or don't like. | ||
| Just because you're in front of that person, you yell something out. | ||
| If the whole audience is sitting there watching the performance and the guy is working his way through some material, or the woman, by the way. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Let them fucking finish their shit, man. | ||
| Do you find you have... | ||
| Which gender yells out more or is it equal? | ||
| Oh, it's equal. | ||
| It's just dummies. | ||
| Equal men to women. | ||
| Mine, I find, is most women. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I'd say, for me, it's been like 95% women. | ||
| I think I'd probably say... | ||
| Maybe there's a little bit of a number difference in favor of men doing it. | ||
| Obviously, you probably have a more male-dominated audience than I would. | ||
| Yeah, but guys bring their girlfriends. | ||
| The girlfriend's like, fuck him. | ||
| Are you listening to that? | ||
| You're always listening to him. | ||
| He's a fucking idiot. | ||
| He's an asshole. | ||
| Do you really believe what he's saying? | ||
| Enough people just listen. | ||
| You can get confused and think you know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| That's what he is. | ||
| That's exactly what he is. | ||
| He's confused. | ||
| Just because a lot of people are listening to him doesn't mean he knows what the fuck he's talking about. | ||
| And you worship him like, oh my god, do you love him? | ||
| Are you in a bromance? | ||
| That's embarrassing. | ||
| You should be embarrassed of yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's sad. | |
| I don't give a fuck what Joe Rogan thinks. | ||
| He's not a real man. | ||
| Stop bringing that up. | ||
| God, he's gross. | ||
| You don't even know him. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| He's very angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| He looks like a man ape. | ||
| Ew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| Also the appeal is that you look like a man ape. | ||
| Well, I get it, gals. | ||
| I don't want to listen to fucking Taylor Swift songs either. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| If you're in the car and she's like, haters gonna hate me. | ||
| You rock out to Taylor. | ||
| She's got a few songs that are not bad. | ||
| You've got daughters in your house. | ||
| I know you dance to Taylor Swift. | ||
| I probably have if I've been hammered. | ||
| The thing is, it's not my thing. | ||
| It's not what I would listen to all the time. | ||
| It's not my go-to. | ||
| And people have different go-to's. | ||
| It doesn't make it right or wrong, but if you get dragged into someone else's go-to, you gotta grin and bear it. | ||
| Anybody ever take you to a musical? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Jesus fucking Christmas. | ||
| It's a thing. | ||
| I went to like three musicals. | ||
| One of them I only went to because Stamos was in it. | ||
| You should tell everybody. | ||
| Jessie Mae might have a bit of a stalker issue with John Stamos. | ||
| It's stalker-esque. | ||
| I am not stalking. | ||
| He's a very nice man. | ||
| He reached out to me when my father passed. | ||
| He was very nice to me. | ||
| He sent a message. | ||
| He was very, very nice. | ||
| Well, but... | ||
| All joking aside, you do have about a hundred photoshops of you with John Stamos in various positions in bed, on a plane together, on vacation together. | ||
| I'm sorry, Caitlin. | ||
| I'm sorry, Caitlin Hugh. | ||
| It's obviously just jokes. | ||
| My fans make, you know, they superimpose me. | ||
| I find a photo of his that's funny and I'm like, put me in this. | ||
| There's one where he posted a picture of him on bed from the Full House era. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, somebody put me on the bed. | |
| And then I apologized to Caitlin. | ||
| I always apologize to his wife and child. | ||
| I mean, for the most part. | ||
| Well, it's a joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a joke. | |
| But it's a long-running joke that you've been doing for years now. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| I loved him as a kid. | ||
| And I told this story before, but I had a poster of him above my bed as a kid that I literally kissed so much I wore a hole in his mouth. | ||
| Don't you be rude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you be rude. | |
| Don't you be rude, Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You never licked something to its completion. | |
| Dude, you ate through the paper. | ||
| People have done a lot worse. | ||
| Were you licking it? | ||
| I was obviously doing all of the things. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All of the things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I went to a musical. | ||
| He was in Bye Bye Birdie. | ||
| Very delightful. | ||
| Very talented, man. | ||
| And then I went to a couple others, but they are... | ||
| I fell asleep in the other ones. | ||
| They're ruthless. | ||
| And the intermission kills me. | ||
| It's like, why don't we just get it done? | ||
| Let's just go straight through. | ||
| I think I would have liked to see the Book of Mormon. | ||
| That's the exception. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
| They're geniuses. | ||
| Those guys are geniuses. | ||
| It's just really well-read, too. | ||
| Well-written, rather. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| It's a really good story. | ||
| And they have information in there. | ||
| They obviously did their homework. | ||
| But I saw Cats once when I was on a date. | ||
| I was probably like 19. Fuck that. | ||
| Fuck cats in general. | ||
| Cats are scary in real life. | ||
| Why do you want to go see them sing? | ||
| And they're standing upright. | ||
| That's a nightmare. | ||
| You're a dog person, not a cat person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what you're saying? | |
| I would like a hairless cat. | ||
| I would like a sphinx. | ||
| I think they're cool. | ||
| They shit in a box in your house. | ||
| Perfect, so do I. I'm going to change my toilet to be Roman. | ||
| Fuck you, I'm going to shit in a box. | ||
| Ah, a bucket. | ||
| Yeah, they shit in a box, but that's a great thing. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| Sometimes my dogs crap on the carpet if they're, you know, irritable. | ||
| But cats are weird, man. | ||
| Cats, I don't know if you can trust a cat. | ||
| You can trust some cats. | ||
| You have a couple cats, don't you? | ||
| You've got a fucking zoo. | ||
| I'm so jealous. | ||
| I want to come over and just pet everything in your house. | ||
| Two of my dogs died recently. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| Within the last, I guess it was probably almost a year now. | ||
| Was Marshall sad? | ||
| He didn't understand what was going on. | ||
| He looks like he's just pure joy and happy. | ||
| He is. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| He's the happiest dog I've ever seen. | ||
| He brings me joy. | ||
| I just started following him on Instagram. | ||
| He's so happy. | ||
| I follow your dog on Instagram. | ||
| He's my buddy. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| You can see you guys have a straight bond. | ||
| He's so affectionate. | ||
| Do you run him off leash in the morning when you go? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| No tick issue? | ||
| No, he's got tick medication that he's taken, but we have caught him with a couple of ticks on him. | ||
| With all that luxurious hair, those ticks are probably like, we struck gold, bitch! | ||
| He loves it, though. | ||
| He's never seen anything in his pure joy as that dog is running through the canyons. | ||
| He just loves it. | ||
| He's so happy. | ||
| How do you keep him so clean? | ||
| I mean, I know you got that Joe Rogan experience money, but he is luxurious. | ||
| It's called water. | ||
| Well, I mean, everyone else pet owners have water and I've seen these mangled beasts. | ||
| People won't take care of their animals. | ||
| They really don't. | ||
| And they wonder why they lash out. | ||
| Marshall's not, like, for cats when you die, cats will start eating your face in like 16 hours. | ||
| Dogs wait about a week. | ||
| I don't think they'll wait that long. | ||
| Yeah, they probably don't even wait that long. | ||
| Dogs wait about a week. | ||
| They love you a little bit more. | ||
| They won't eat you right away. | ||
| I don't even know if Marshall would eat you. | ||
| I think he'd wait. | ||
| Probably wouldn't even know what you were. | ||
| Probably wouldn't understand it. | ||
| He would just keep throwing balls at you. | ||
| Just rolling them over to you. | ||
| He would just whine. | ||
| He woke me up yesterday. | ||
| It was fucking really annoying. | ||
| Whining you? | ||
| He just decides to get up. | ||
| Like, I got home from the comedy store at like 2 and then I watched some goofy... | ||
| I've been on this UFO documentary kick. | ||
| Watching UFO documentaries? | ||
| Yeah, I told you it was David. | ||
| I started talking about it. | ||
| Yeah, we were talking about that. | ||
| Did you have something specific that you saw recently in the documentary? | ||
| Yeah, two of them. | ||
| One of them is Area 51, Bob Lazar and Area 51 and Flying Saucers. | ||
| It's some... | ||
| A documentary on this guy who claimed that he worked on these alien ships in Area 51 in the 1980s. | ||
| That gave me chills. | ||
| As time's gone on, more of the things that he said have proven to actually be true. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Including an element that he talked about. | ||
| Element 115, I think it was called. | ||
| Like an organism from outer space? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| An element. | ||
| Like a man-created element. | ||
| You know, like this carbon. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's an element that they created that he talked about way before it was ever publicized. | ||
| And he talked about this thing, and then it turned out to be true. | ||
| He talked about these... | ||
| There's these hand monitors. | ||
| You would put your hand on this thing, and these lines, these metal lines would detect the distances... | ||
| In the bones of your fingers, the exact distances, and everyone is different. | ||
| It's like a signature thing. | ||
| And that they could find out if it was you or not you that was trying to go through. | ||
| So the way they would scan people, the bioscan, would literally measure the bones in their fingers. | ||
| And people said that was horseshit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's wild. | |
| We talked about this in the 1980s. | ||
| People said it was horseshit, but then later on, it turned out, no, they did have that in Los Alamos. | ||
| They did have that in Area 51. And that this technology was very, very... | ||
| Advanced? | ||
| Not just very advanced, but it was not well known at all. | ||
| Very few people did. | ||
| This guy who was the creator of this documentary, it was very difficult for them to get photos of this hand scanner. | ||
| But this hand scanner did exist and existed exactly as this guy described it. | ||
| In the 80s? | ||
| I mean, that's super progressive for that time. | ||
| There's also people that did approve his top secret clearance to get to this place. | ||
| They know that he actually worked there. | ||
| There's people that worked in the same Los Alamos lab with him. | ||
| They tried to say he never worked there, but his name's on the manifest. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| It's like they've tried to erase parts of this guy's past because he filmed a bunch of their crafts as they were flying around. | ||
| He knew what days. | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| That thing right there, you put your hand on that and it actually measures the distance of the size and length of your bones. | ||
| That looks like something that's inside of an escape room in LA. It does! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hilarious! | |
| It's so true! | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
| I went into this documentary skeptical. | ||
| As you should. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm so done with all those things. | ||
| But listen to this guy talk for a while. | ||
| After a while, I was like, what if he's telling the truth? | ||
| Like, what if he is actually telling the truth? | ||
| Because if he's actually telling the truth, there is some part of the government that had access, at least in the 1980s, to alien technology. | ||
| I mean, it probably is. | ||
| There probably is some truth to that. | ||
| Crazier things have happened. | ||
| And also, like, just your mentality of believing him is probably the same thing that made Dr. Malachi Lovejoy Robinson III become successful. | ||
| A con artist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, either this dude, there's validity of what he's saying in this documentary, which I can't wait to watch, or he's just really great at painting a picture. | ||
| Some people are so good at convincing you of truths. | ||
| There's people with borderline personality disorder and every sort of spectrum in between there. | ||
| They become really good manipulators. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| However, usually they do that in more than one avenue. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And this guy's not doing that. | ||
| Yeah, so if it's just a documentary, then... | ||
| Yeah, it also hasn't varied his story. | ||
| I mean, he might have changed the way he says things in terms of the words he chooses, but the actual story is exactly the same as he was telling a long time ago. | ||
| Is this a self-produced documentary? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Or is there a production company involved? | ||
| No, a production company involved. | ||
| See, that's where it's like, hmm, okay, there's probably some validity to this. | ||
| But this guy's been around for a long time. | ||
| I remember reading about him and watching videos about him, you know, 20 years ago. | ||
| I mean, don't you think you're somebody who, you said, you know, and I know this about you, you love space. | ||
| You're obsessed with that, the idea of what we are in the solar system and beyond. | ||
| Like, how impossible is it to... | ||
| Think that there could be a creature that could breach our atmosphere with some advanced technology and be able to just sort of chill, you know, scoot around, scoot, scoots, magoots, check us out, and fucking peace out back up to wherever they're from. | ||
| I don't think that's how they would do it, but yeah, I know what you're saying. | ||
| You know exactly. | ||
| They scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot. | ||
| Yeah, they just kind of cruise around, you know. | ||
| They're looking at us. | ||
| Well, he had an interesting analogy. | ||
| He said, if you brought an atomic engine to these people that live in the Victorian era and said, hey, this is a nuclear power plant. | ||
| Like, here, check this out. | ||
| They would fuck with it. | ||
| They'd wind up getting sick from radiation. | ||
| They'd wind up dying. | ||
| No one would understand what it was or how it worked. | ||
| They would never figure it out. | ||
| He goes, why would we assume that this is... | ||
| Only from that one time with this one device. | ||
| Why wouldn't we assume that there'd be some other technology that maybe we'll create someday in the future? | ||
| I'm paraphrasing him very poorly. | ||
| Yes, it's okay. | ||
| Or someone else from another planet would create that we wouldn't understand at all. | ||
| And he said that's what we were dealing with when we were trying to back-engineer the propulsion systems that these things use. | ||
| They use some gravity-based propulsion system. | ||
| And it was something that would manipulate gravity in front of... | ||
| It's very... | ||
| Look, I don't... | ||
| I'm too stupid to know the science of it. | ||
| I don't know if he's... | ||
| Like, if you were a scientist... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a scientist. | |
| You're supposed to know these things. | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| I have to get my degree. | ||
| Joseph Rogan. | ||
| I need to get a degree so I can call myself a doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should. | |
| I just want to get an honorary one like Cosby had. | ||
| It's gone now. | ||
| He doesn't have it anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They took that shit back. | |
| The honorary ones they could take back. | ||
| Yeah, take them back. | ||
| He can't keep those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He can't keep that. | ||
| Actually, I think he wrote an essay, and that's how they gave him his doctorate. | ||
| I mean, gross. | ||
| Probably got more than one doctorate. | ||
| I'm sure he did, and he didn't deserve them. | ||
| But I think, I mean, there's got to be stuff out there. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But I like to say there's not. | ||
| It's like, eh, stop. | ||
| You think this is just it? | ||
| No, no, I don't think it is. | ||
| But it is entirely possible... | ||
| I use that phrase too often. | ||
| And it's entirely possible? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You've got to get a mash-up of all of those. | ||
| Oh, it's already out there. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| There's like 150,000 of them. | ||
| That needs to be on a shirt. | ||
| It's possible that we're the most advanced. | ||
| It is a possibility. | ||
| Because something has to be the most advanced. | ||
| Absolutely, and something has to be the least. | ||
| We could also be on that part of the spectrum. | ||
| Maybe we're the last to evolve. | ||
| It's 100% possible. | ||
| If there's an infinite number of life forms out there, like if there's an infinite number of planets, and there's an infinite number of Earth-like planets that can have beings like us on it, It's | ||
| possible. | ||
| Because we're just basing it off of our own experience and perception of what we have been exposed to. | ||
| We have no idea. | ||
| You know, the other really interesting scenario is that they're time travelers. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| That's really exciting to think about. | ||
| What they are is some being from the far distant future that understands that they could come back and observe us and see where things went wrong, where things went right, but do so in a way that's as minimally intrusive as possible and occasionally interfere. | ||
| That gives me chills. | ||
| That freaks me out. | ||
| Once you start fucking with time and our perception of it and how it exists and being able to hop along that spectrum of it, it freaks me the fuck out. | ||
| There's this movie I saw called A Ghost Story, and it's not a horror movie. | ||
| It's kind of about that. | ||
| Is that Patrick Swayze? | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's Casey Affleck in Rooney Mara, I think. | ||
| Rooney Mara. | ||
| Whoopi Goldberg wasn't in it? | ||
| No, that's Ghost. | ||
| Oh, I miss Patrick Swayze so much. | ||
| Do you miss him? | ||
| I miss him. | ||
| He's one of those actors I love. | ||
| If you could bring Patrick Swayze back and take away your full house boy, who would you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| Joseph Nathaniel Rogan. | ||
| I don't know your middle name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that's a tough call. | |
| I mean, Swayze gave us... | ||
| He gave us Dirty Dancing. | ||
| He gave us... | ||
| Look at that face. | ||
| Beautiful face. | ||
| What a beautiful man. | ||
| He could move those hips. | ||
| That was when he was a surfer. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| That was Point Break. | ||
| Yeah, he was the rebel surfer. | ||
| Dude, do you remember the video on Saturday Night Live of him and Chris Farley doing the Chippendales audition? | ||
| Iconic. | ||
| That's iconic comedy. | ||
| That is like such a great crossroads between beauty... | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the Beast. | |
| Him and Chris Farley. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chris Farley put it all out on the table during the sketch. | |
| It is so funny. | ||
| I miss, I really do miss Patrick Swayze. | ||
| It's crazy that he was so fit, but yet he smoked cigarettes. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah, he died of cancer. | ||
| He probably smoked cigarettes to stay fit. | ||
| Some people get stuck in that, you know, they are afraid of letting it go because they think it helps with their physique and maintaining the look. | ||
| Oh, you mean... | ||
| A lot of models do that. | ||
| Staying skinny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Because, you know, it's an upper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Increases your heart rate and all that and whatnot. | ||
| It also kills your appetite, I think. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It kills your taste buds. | ||
| You can't taste anything. | ||
| Everything is destroyed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Including ass. | |
| Maybe you should smoke. | ||
| That's the only way you should lick ass is by smoking cigarettes so you don't taste it. | ||
| Imagine if it kept you from getting those brain cysts. | ||
| Like, you have to choose. | ||
| God, this is brutal, dude! | ||
| You're making me lose Stamos and get hookworm? | ||
| I'm just saying, Stamos or Swayze? | ||
| Stamos all day, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Stamos for life. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Sorry, Swayze. | ||
| See you on the other side. | ||
| Whoopi and I will be messaging you later. | ||
| Stop for a moment and really reconsider what you're saying. | ||
| Think about the great films that Swayze provided us with. | ||
| Okay, I will say... | ||
| You fucking selfish bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I will say... | |
| Oh, no! | ||
| All of mankind's entertainment falls on my shoulders? | ||
| Dude, Roadhouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| I know! | ||
| And, like, also, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roadhouse. | |
| Now I feel bad. | ||
| Well, when you look at his IMDB... Come on, dude! | ||
| Pull out that poster for Roadhouse, please. | ||
| You're either going through 10 seasons of Full House or Roadhouse. | ||
| You have a choice. | ||
| Either Full House or Roadhouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| It's Full House or Roadhouse. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I mean, okay. | ||
| Red Dawn. | ||
| Indulgently and selfishly, it's Stamos, but on an overall spectrum, it's Swayze all day. | ||
| For mankind. | ||
| For mankind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sorry, Caitlin. | ||
| I'm going to have to go with Swayze. | ||
| Swayze all day. | ||
| That's what we said we were going to start doing, Jamie, is doing fight companions for terrible movies. | ||
| Swayze against Stamos? | ||
| We should get barbecued and play showgirls. | ||
| That just had its 25th anniversary. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| People don't even know. | ||
| Dude, Showgirls is a cult classic. | ||
| It's an amazingly bad movie. | ||
| It's so epically bad. | ||
| It's kind of like how I felt when I watched The Dirt recently. | ||
| It ended this gal's career. | ||
| It did it? | ||
| Basically. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Didn't it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did she take off after that? | ||
| She stayed pretty plateaued. | ||
| But she was on her way to being a gigantic superstar. | ||
| She was the star of this movie. | ||
| She's super hot. | ||
| She's half naked. | ||
| I think she took this movie... | ||
| I'm speculating, but I thought she took this movie because it was going to be the next thing and it ended up being such a... | ||
| Such a brutal failure that maybe... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's so bad it's good. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And it's got great actors in it too. | ||
| Like Kyle MacLachlan. | ||
| That guy's a great actor. | ||
| She's not a bad actress either. | ||
| Gina Gershon. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| She was in Bye Bye Birdie with Stamos on Broadway. | ||
| She was amazing. | ||
| What's the cast? | ||
| Scroll back all the way up to the top. | ||
| That is a great cast. | ||
| Just go to the all, not just images. | ||
| I mean, her body was amazing in this, obviously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of like, remember Demi Moore when she did that stripper movie as well? | ||
| Oh, I thought you were going to say G.I. Jane. | ||
| Oh, she was amazing in G.I. Jane. | ||
| But didn't Demi Moore do a stripper movie too? | ||
| My favorite part in G.I. Jane, Elizabeth Berkley. | ||
| My favorite part in G.I. Jane was when she says, suck my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, hmm. | |
| I need to put that on a t-shirt now. | ||
| She said, suck my dick in that movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, she was on her way to being a Navy SEAL. Remember? | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| She's doing all the G.I. Jane. | ||
| She's going through boot camps. | ||
| Suck my dick! | ||
| I remember those like... | ||
| She says, suck my dick. | ||
| Strip tees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Strip tees! | |
| Dude, Demi Moore's body in strip tees was all the things. | ||
| She was so banging in that movie. | ||
| She's so beautiful. | ||
| How do you remember? | ||
| Does this movie burn into your head? | ||
| It's just one of those movies that I remember. | ||
| She was jacked in that movie. | ||
| And dancing very awkwardly. | ||
| The very awkward stripper dance that happened. | ||
| What's going on with that outfit? | ||
| That looks like she belongs on a wedding cake. | ||
| That's like something on a television show. | ||
| It looks like Telemundo. | ||
| What do you think she's doing these days? | ||
| Some people get super, super famous with her everywhere and then they go, I'm done. | ||
| I think she's just chilling. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I hope she's just chilling and just kind of, you know, what, what, what, what she can do another movie? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe an indie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that okay? | |
| What are you saying? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Maybe she should do an indie. | ||
| Why'd she have to do an indie? | ||
| I don't know, because it would tap into a different era we haven't seen in her career. | ||
| Well, you're a manager now? | ||
| You're a manager and a doctor? | ||
| You're asking me where she is. | ||
| She's taking a break. | ||
| You know, we got a couple projects on the table. | ||
| I don't know what you're saying. | ||
| I don't know what she's going to do. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| I didn't expect you to defend yourself that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Maybe she's going to do an indie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And I'm like, no one's pressuring you, Jessie Mae. | ||
| This is marijuana. | ||
| You're still high. | ||
| It's three hours later. | ||
| I've been high for four days. | ||
| Who's your celebrity crush? | ||
| I don't have one. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No, I'm good. | ||
| You don't have like a fantasy chick? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe Madonna from the 80s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| She was young. | ||
| Bold choice. | ||
| Pointy bra. | ||
| But also, you know that she was never going to get hooked on you. | ||
| She'd take off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd be like, yeah, okay. | ||
| Non-committal. | ||
| Go do your thing. | ||
| Take care. | ||
| I liked her because I knew she wouldn't like me. | ||
| Yeah, I knew she wouldn't like me for long. | ||
| That's a real strategy that some men employ. | ||
| Like, this one's not going to last. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| That's an honest answer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Yeah, that's the allure of the positive, independent woman. | ||
| Powerful, positive, independent woman. | ||
| She's not needy. | ||
| She's not going to need me. | ||
| Yeah, she's not needy at all. | ||
| She's like, yeah, well, see ya. | ||
| There she is. | ||
| Dirty. | ||
| Yeah, look at that outfit. | ||
| That's Madonna from the... | ||
| That's all real, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's from her closet, for sure. | ||
| She's in, like, dude's briefs and some, like, doilies on her legs. | ||
| And apparently she liked the fuck, you know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| She liked to smash. | ||
| She had Warren Beatty, Sean Penn, bad boys. | ||
| Did you see this movie that this is the three identical strangers movie? | ||
| Yeah, these are the twins that that documentary is about. | ||
| You haven't seen Three Identical Strangers? | ||
| No, I heard it's amazing. | ||
| I almost brought it up the other day because you guys started talking about something. | ||
| I forget which podcast it was. | ||
| This movie sort of bleeds into, not spoiler alert, because this movie's been out for a little bit. | ||
| We can't spoil it, right? | ||
| Genetic testing type shit. | ||
| Back in the day, in the 50s, right? | ||
| They were doing it in the 50s and 60s in an orphanage. | ||
| Yeah, I need to find some time to watch that because everybody recommends it. | ||
| Just when you think, like, a revelation happens and you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| And then another one happens, you're like, this has got to stop. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And then you're just like, holy hell. | ||
| And then it's just a thing where if somebody wants to get something done, sometimes they take really drastic measures. | ||
| It's selfish and it's terrible and it breaks all ethical, you know, rules, but... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did they do it? | ||
| Well, we're spoiling an alert. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| It's been out for a while. | ||
| Did they do it as an experiment on these guys on purpose? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There was a psychologist who wanted to find out stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who was running an orphanage? | |
| Running an orphanage and withholding information from the families. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Just to find out how it would work out? | ||
| What they were doing was nature versus nurture. | ||
| They were seeing what effects it has on a child based on how it's raised. | ||
| Also by the socioeconomic status of the family, about the neighborhood it's in, about the type of unit, the love, all of those factors, and what results it has on the individual, right? | ||
| Wouldn't you say, Jamie, that's kind of... | ||
| And the data, they have a bunch of data apparently somewhere and it never came out. | ||
| It's missing. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| The files are just gone. | ||
| It disappeared. | ||
| Years of them basically ruining the lives of children and the effects of that is just dissipated into thin air. | ||
| It's such a heartbreaking story. | ||
| But it's also very interesting. | ||
| And that's what I'm saying. | ||
| How would you ever... | ||
| Not that that needs to happen, but there is a question. | ||
| I mean, you're a father. | ||
| How would you find out unless someone did something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You would just guess. | ||
| I mean, we could look at all the things that are happening in society, especially with mass shooters and people who commit these random acts of violence and go back to their upbringing and their rearing. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I would take a gander and a guess that they probably weren't raised with the most amount of love. | ||
| There's certain things that you don't really know how it's going to work out until you experiment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, and that's what I was saying. | ||
| Like, it's a little brutal, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, people are scared of that kind of thinking, because that's where Hitler came from. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That kind of thinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I mean, you hear about some of the experiments they did on people? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That was just scary. | ||
| This doctor supposedly, I think, came in with the Operation Paperclip group of scientists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| No way. | ||
| He goes that deep into it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| It's pretty fucked up. | ||
| It's, you know... | ||
| Operation... | ||
| Do you know what Operation Paperclip was? | ||
| Wasn't that something like a Hitler thing back in the day with babies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was Nazi scientists that were taken from World War II. So the United States took Nazi scientists, including Wernher von Braun, who was the head of NASA, and a bunch of other scientists and all these Nazis that were working for Germany, making rockets and involved in high-level science. | ||
| I never heard about that. | ||
| They brought them over to America and sort of whitewashed the whole thing. | ||
| They called it Operation Paperclip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy hell. | |
| Wernher von Braun, when he was at the head of NASA, he was a fucking legitimate Nazi. | ||
| The Simon Wiesenthal Center said that if he was alive today, they would prosecute him for crimes against humanity. | ||
| I feel like there's still a sprinkling of people in there from that sort of background. | ||
| They've chased those guys down to the far ends of the earth and caught a bunch of them. | ||
| Those are very powerful positions to be in, to have that sort of mentality driving it. | ||
| That's scary as fuck. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You know what's really crazy is Argentina. | ||
| Argentina and South America, a lot of Nazis went to Argentina and South America. | ||
| They fled Germany. | ||
| And Tim Kennedy, who's a good friend of mine, who's a former UFC fighter, who's a soldier, he was on a show called Finding Hitler, where there was... | ||
| There's been speculation over the years because so many Nazis landed in South America that Hitler had escaped and lived out his life protected by these other Nazis in these South American towns. | ||
| People think that? | ||
| Dude, there's towns in South America where all they do is speak German. | ||
| They have Oktoberfest. | ||
| They have photographs on their walls of their grandfather in SS garb. | ||
| That is very, very scary. | ||
| Oh, dude, it's crazy. | ||
| That's very scary. | ||
| He blew me away. | ||
| When he was telling me about this, and he's a no-nonsense guy, so when he's explaining, he's like, you've got to understand, you're coming to these towns, everyone is German. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They all look like Germans. | ||
| They all talk German. | ||
| They all have German houses and German-style stuff in their house. | ||
| That's bizarre. | ||
| I mean, that had to be what happened. | ||
| I'm a believer. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Maybe not what happened to Hitler. | ||
| They're pretty sure that Hitler died. | ||
| But I'm sure they relocated. | ||
| That's definitely what happened. | ||
| No, they did. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| Yeah, Jamie will find something. | ||
| Dude, it'll blow you away. | ||
| This is South America. | ||
| Look, it looks like a German town. | ||
| It does look like a German town. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy. | ||
| There's a whole village of these fucking people. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| And there's not just one. | ||
| There's many, many of these little pockets... | ||
| That looks like an Oktoberfest bar. | ||
| That's really bizarre. | ||
| I mean, that one looks a little Japanese. | ||
| Well, there's videos, though, where it's really crazy. | ||
| They're drinking out of Steins and, like, the whole deal. | ||
| That's really wild. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy. | ||
| Well, obviously we couldn't get them all. | ||
| I mean, they had to flee somewhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're going to set up shop, make it their homogenous. | ||
| They saw the shit was about to hit the fan. | ||
| They said, listen, I know a place. | ||
| We can get some cool margaritas. | ||
| We can catch some fucking toasty waves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool margaritas! | |
| Let's do it. | ||
| Y'all want a day drink? | ||
| Let's bring Oktoberfest to South America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, bro. | |
| That's wild. | ||
| I never knew that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I didn't know it either. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| That is really crazy. | ||
| Jesse, man, I think there's too much to know. | ||
| There is too much to know, but that's one of the great things about the stuff you talk about on this is you got just like a plethora of information. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Useless. | |
| Most of it's useless. | ||
| Most of it's useless. | ||
| I don't know if it's useless. | ||
| Wasting time. | ||
| It's useless if you don't do anything with it. | ||
| Dude, I've been taking CBD with THC. Oh, that's great. | ||
| THC delivers it. | ||
| Got a bit of a problem. | ||
| What's the matter? | ||
| I've been high every day for the last six days. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I pop these little tablets in the morning. | ||
| It's CBD and THC. It's not a lot of CBD. One to one? | ||
| Yeah, it's one to one. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, they work with each other and the THC helps deliver the CBD and vice versa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You feel it? | |
| I feel great. | ||
| Yeah, you feel balanced. | ||
| You feel energized, clear. | ||
| I don't know about you. | ||
| I feel clear. | ||
| No problem in terms of feeling foggy or fatigued. | ||
| It's just the right amount. | ||
| But I fucked up and took one an hour before I went to bed last night. | ||
| I went to bed at a sensible time. | ||
| I knew I was going to do a podcast with Jessie Mae. | ||
| I did as well. | ||
| I want to be awake and fresh. | ||
| And then I got you baked. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| But I went to bed and I had taken one like an hour or so before I was in bed. | ||
| I woke up 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bang! | |
| Ready to go. | ||
| Freight train fill of ideas. | ||
| Was it panic or did you write some stuff down? | ||
| I wrote. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I keep my laptop right now by the bed. | ||
| I started doing that too. | ||
| Just near in the bathroom next to the bed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I literally, if usually everyone's asleep, I grab the laptop and I just go into the other room and I just start writing. | ||
| But I keep it in the bag. | ||
| I put it right by my bed. | ||
| So if I have an idea in my head, twice I've written bits that came out to be like real legitimate bits because an idea came to me while I was lying there and I said, I got to just try this. | ||
| And I just run in the other room and I start writing and then boom, it becomes a bit. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| I mean, not always, sure. | ||
| Twice over the last year, like, legitimate bits have come out of just a random thought that it was popping through my mind while I was laying in bed. | ||
| Now, were you on the marijuanas both times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I mean, there's something to it, definitely, when you have a moment to escape. | ||
| Because our brain's, like, inundated with information all the time. | ||
| Just daydreaming, being bored. | ||
| That's where the creativity for me is the most active. | ||
| Like getting a good nap or even just in a dream you think of something. | ||
| Like in the shower or driving, those are where my ideas... | ||
| I've had this similar situation where I'm like, oh, this might be a good joke. | ||
| Yeah, that's the argument for ignoring phones too, that you allow yourself to get bored. | ||
| And when you allow yourself to get bored, then that's when these creative ideas will come. | ||
| Like if you're in your car, like that's the other thing about that little car that I was telling you about. | ||
| It doesn't have a radio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ooh, that's great. | ||
| Yeah, no radio. | ||
| So you have to daydream. | ||
| Not just daydream. | ||
| It's like you're tuned into the thing as you're doing it. | ||
| And you think about stuff. | ||
| I used to come up with some of my best bits when I first started doing comedy when I was delivering newspapers. | ||
| I would deliver newspapers in the morning out of my car. | ||
| I'd chuck them out the window. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| 21. Wow. | ||
| And when I was doing that, I would come up with some of my best bits when I wasn't listening to the radio. | ||
| I was just driving around, and then I'd have an idea, what? | ||
| Why is it that we, what the fuck is this about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would just be thinking to myself, almost like those hours became productive. | ||
| They are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Daydreaming is probably one of the most important things you can do for your brain, especially for creative people and people in general. | ||
| I think when you're doing something that requires you to do something mechanically like driving, even just washing your body, paper route, anything that you sort of have to do this regular machine thing, your brain sort of just can roam in the woods and just pick off little ideas off the trees and You know, you're able to sort of give your brain a break. | ||
| Yeah, your brain doesn't always need to be stimulated externally. | ||
| Fuck no! | ||
| That's probably one of the causes of mental illness. | ||
| That probably is attributed to a lot of neurological issues down the road. | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
| Your brain needs a break. | ||
| Those synapses can't be firing all the fucking time. | ||
| They got shit to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give them a nap. | |
| Give them a nap. | ||
| I'm exhausted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| You know, the brain needs a break, but yeah, I definitely, I think of random things sometimes in the shower. | ||
| Yeah, you can do that while you're driving, you can do that while you're in the shower, running. | ||
| Like, I like to run and listen to books on tape, but sometimes I just like to run and just listen to my voice, just the breathing, and then you get into this, like, meditated state. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's deep. | ||
| Deep, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's so deep! | |
| No. | ||
| And on that note, it's already noon. | ||
| It is? | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Yeah, 12.05. | ||
| That was like three hours of hanging out with you, and still it's not enough. | ||
| We started a little late because we had some tri-crashcaster issues. | ||
| And we also started late because you had me on these, I was going to say machines. | ||
| Oh, that's a sponsor, the Sew Right. | ||
| These are amazing. | ||
| I have chronic stiffness in my neck from traveling and sitting awkward, and Jamie was nice enough to give me one of these. | ||
| Yeah, they're awesome. | ||
| They're great for releasing the weird, hard-to-get muscles in your back. | ||
| You lie on that thing, and it digs in. | ||
| It's real light, too. | ||
| You can carry it and take it with you. | ||
| Who was the first one? | ||
| Was it Michael Chandler told us about it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was the first guy that, for the psoas muscle to target it, Yeah, that we're the V, we're girls who like that V formation, that muscle down there, the dudes who have the V. You probably don't get it because you're a guy. | ||
| Yeah, Jamie was talking about... | ||
| I think. | ||
| I'm not a scientist. | ||
| Let's just go with that's what it is. | ||
| Wait a minute, you're not a scientist? | ||
| I thought you were a scientist. | ||
| I'm still studying. | ||
| I haven't been approved. | ||
| What kind of fucking podcast is this? | ||
| I am a goddamn doctor. | ||
| Jessie Mae, tell everybody how they can find you on the internets. | ||
| You can find me, my website's jessiemay.com. | ||
| I'm at Queefy Mae on Twitter. | ||
| Queefy May on Twitter. | ||
| You made fun of me because of that. | ||
| Instagram is... | ||
| Jessie May Peluso and you can check out my Sharp Tongue podcast. | ||
| And she's touring all over the country. | ||
| Hilarious stand-up comedian. | ||
| My friend, Jessie May. | ||
| I love you so much. | ||
| You're one of my favorites. | ||
| Thanks for having me on. | ||
| This was such an honor. | ||
| Glad we finally did it. | ||
| Yeah, thank you. | ||
| Bye, fuckers. |
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