July 11, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:47:55
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Four, three, two, one. | ||
| And we're live, Candice. | ||
| Hi, guys. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Oh my god, we're live. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What were you saying about Hereditary? | ||
| That's supposed to be a terrifying movie, right? | ||
| That's what they said. | ||
| That's what they said. | ||
| They meaning the media and like Huffington Post, I think. | ||
| So that's why I went because I'm not scared by anything like in the movies. | ||
| So I'm constantly in pursuit of an actual scary movie. | ||
| So I went thinking, oh, this might be the one. | ||
| It was not. | ||
| Damn, you're that hard that no movies get you? | ||
| I can't remember the last time I was scared. | ||
| I think Poltergeist when I was a kid. | ||
| And that's why I'm scared of clowns. | ||
| Nothing as an adult, though. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm trying to think of the last time I was really scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| See? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See? | ||
| They don't make... | ||
| Well, they're fun. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| I like... | ||
| And I also like thinking that something might get me. | ||
| I like the suspense in that, but it never does. | ||
| I always get... | ||
| It's very anticlimactic for me. | ||
| You're thinking that something might get you scared. | ||
| And it doesn't. | ||
| And it does not. | ||
| Jamie, when was the last time you were scared in a movie? | ||
| Jump scares are cheap. | ||
| Cheap scares. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That doesn't count? | |
| No. | ||
| That doesn't count. | ||
| I don't go see scary movies at the theater, so... | ||
| So you're always at home, so you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The Strangers. | ||
| That one bothered me a little bit. | ||
| I was just... | ||
| Checking the weather? | ||
| No, I was just... | ||
| You're holding on to it like you're waiting for something to come in? | ||
| I was just sending out my Instagram story. | ||
| Oh, your Instagram story. | ||
| But yeah, no, The Strangers. | ||
| Did you see that one? | ||
| No. | ||
| That one was with Liv Tyler. | ||
| Did they have like masks on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They were outside the house trying to kill people. | ||
| That one rocked me a little. | ||
| A little. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something about the dark, right? | ||
| You ever mind fuck yourself and you think that there's like someone outside? | ||
| Like you think you hear something, you open your door and you listen. | ||
| That actually has happened to me. | ||
| I had a peeping Tom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| I had a real guy outside of my window. | ||
| Did you know him? | ||
| I didn't see him. | ||
| I only heard him. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| My window was cracked and he started whispering to me through my window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I have a joke about it now because it was the only way I could deal with it without, you know, getting too paranoid about it. | ||
| So I wrote a joke about it. | ||
| But I did. | ||
| I did. | ||
| But every time I tell people, they're like, that's terrifying. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, that is terrifying. | ||
| But at the same time, it's like, it's kind of flattering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Kind of flattering that he went out of his way to whisper at you through a crack in the window. | ||
| Yeah, all the windows he could have gone to, he came to mine. | ||
| Did you ever see what the guy looked like? | ||
| I didn't, but my neighbors did. | ||
| So he came one night and I heard him. | ||
| He started whispering to me. | ||
| He was like, I'll just tell you what he said. | ||
| It was terrifying. | ||
| I was watching... | ||
| Also, let me give the setup. | ||
| I was watching Mulholland Drive. | ||
| Have you seen... | ||
| Are you a David Lynch? | ||
| That's David Lynch, yeah. | ||
| That's what I had on. | ||
| I'm a David Lynch fan. | ||
| And I had that... | ||
| It was probably like 3 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| And I sleep with my window open because my place does not have A.C. What? | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What do you live in? | ||
| Montana? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I just drove in for this today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fuck? | |
| How can you live in L.A.? My place is old, and I think what happened was that it was built before AC was even invented. | ||
| So the windows are even old school, so I can't even put a portable... | ||
| They crank open, and the windows crank open like that. | ||
| So you can't even... | ||
| I'd have to probably get the manager to replace the window installments before I could even put an air conditioning in. | ||
| How do you survive this summer? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just leave during the day, and then at night... | ||
| I have fans. | ||
| Jesus, woman. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Or I just spend the night at a friend's place. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| That is the move. | ||
| I'll be here now. | ||
| And now I know the address. | ||
| Because it's so chilly. | ||
| It's nice in here, right? | ||
| This is perfect. | ||
| It's got its own thermostat. | ||
| This room does. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| I hate you. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| How dare you try to make me feel bad. | ||
| Don't feel bad for your accomplishments. | ||
| No, this is what I want. | ||
| I want that pink Himalayan salt light right there. | ||
| You can have that one. | ||
| I can take that? | ||
| Yeah, you can take that. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| We got an extra one. | ||
| Who just has random pink Himalayan salt rocks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We do. | |
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| You have a stuffed werewolf outside in a float tank. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I don't think it's stuffed. | ||
| It's not stuffed? | ||
| It would have to be like a real thing and then you kill it. | ||
| That is what it is, right? | ||
| That wasn't real? | ||
| No. | ||
| Imagine if it was. | ||
| I guess a polar bear is scarier than that. | ||
| If anybody were to have an actual werewolf, it would be you. | ||
| Can I finish my peeping Tom story now? | ||
| Yes, sorry. | ||
| Please, cute. | ||
| So, I heard him outside. | ||
| Was it hot out? | ||
| It was the summertime. | ||
| I think it was probably like July. | ||
| This was, I think, like two years ago. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't awful. | ||
| It wasn't like it is like now, because this is kind of new. | ||
| I don't think L.A. has ever been this hot in the beginning of July. | ||
| So that's the end of days. | ||
| So anyway, I was in my bed watching Mulholland Drive, and I had been in and out of falling asleep. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I heard like a... | ||
| outside of my window. | ||
| But I thought, at first, I thought it was the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because I was like, David Lynch is a weird dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| Maybe this is like a director's choice to creep people out, to put murmuring in the background. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I thought that at first, so I ignored it. | ||
| And then probably 20 minutes later, I was like, something's telling me. | ||
| My gut was like, that's not the movie. | ||
| So I hit mute, and all of a sudden I heard, come on, baby, rub that sweet pussy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you're on the first floor? | ||
| I'm on the first floor in my duplex. | ||
| That's a problem anyway, right? | ||
| It is. | ||
| Well, you know, anyone that's on the first floor, your upstairs neighbors are problematic because it sounds like they wear horseshoes and they're bowling all the time. | ||
| So yeah, the whole thing, living on the first floor is not a good idea. | ||
| But we have bars on like... | ||
| Most of the windows. | ||
| So that's not an issue. | ||
| I wasn't scared he was going to come in because the windows open, but then there's bars in front of it. | ||
| So I wasn't terrified about that. | ||
| But as soon as that happened, what was funny was that Ian Edwards, you know Ian Edwards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| Very funny comic. | ||
| Working with him tonight. | ||
| Do I have a... | ||
| at the store? | ||
| No. | ||
| The ice house. | ||
| The ice house. | ||
| Okay, yeah, no. | ||
| He was staying with me at the time because he had just sold his place in Reseda, which isn't far from here. | ||
| And then he was in our extra room at the apartment. | ||
| So I was like, Ian, I think there's somebody outside. | ||
| Can you, like... | ||
| You went to get Ian to go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who... | |
| That was all I had. | ||
| What are you saying about Ian? | ||
| You don't think he could protect me? | ||
| He's Jamaican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's crazy. | |
| I love Ian with all my heart. | ||
| But he's a vegan and he weighs 18 pounds. | ||
| He weighs less than me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm careful when I hug him. | ||
| I hug you. | ||
| I hug you more firmly than I hug Ian. | ||
| I'm trying to get him to eat meat. | ||
| He told me he'll eat some of my elk meat. | ||
| No, he said he will. | ||
| Yeah, he just won't. | ||
| He said he will. | ||
| I don't believe him. | ||
| You don't believe him? | ||
| No. | ||
| You think he's lying? | ||
| Yeah, I think he's just doing that to a pizza. | ||
| No, no, he's asked me several times. | ||
| To try elk. | ||
| Yeah, he wants me to cook elk for him and he'll eat it. | ||
| Because he'll know it's a hunted animal. | ||
| You know, because he's a vegan, he doesn't want to eat anything that was killed from a factory farm. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't eat meat either. | ||
| Like, I do occasionally. | ||
| I'll have fish. | ||
| When Ian and I fly, every time we fly together, I take a picture of him five minutes into the flight, because he's always like this, out cold, five minutes in. | ||
| I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? | ||
| It's first thing in the morning. | ||
| We're supposed to be up? | ||
| Like, you just woke up. | ||
| How are you going back to sleep? | ||
| He's always so tired, and I go, dude, you've got to get blood work done. | ||
| It's your fucking diet. | ||
| I know it is. | ||
| You can do that vegan diet right, but you've got to be very disciplined. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Yeah, you have to take all sorts of different supplements. | ||
| And you have to use algae. | ||
| You have to take algae. | ||
| And that's not the best source of B12. It's not as bioavailable as animal sources. | ||
| You know, all the fat-soluble vitamins. | ||
| It's just a nightmare. | ||
| You've got to really be on the ball. | ||
| Yeah, he's not. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| No. | ||
| Ian, I don't know if Ian's on the ball. | ||
| He was just on my podcast the other day, and he talked, it's called The Struggle. | ||
| The Struggle? | ||
| The Struggle. | ||
| Is that about life in LA? I have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With no AC? Yes. | ||
| That's an ongoing. | ||
| That and my dating struggle are the ongoing. | ||
| Oh, the dating struggle. | ||
| Dating and not having air conditioning in. | ||
| You had a nice fellow with you at the Comedy Store the other night. | ||
| He seemed like a good guy. | ||
| He has since... | ||
| Departed? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Launched him? | |
| It was very brief. | ||
| Yeah, well, you seem like a nice fella. | ||
| I thought so, too. | ||
| It's not that he's not nice. | ||
| He just lives a lifestyle that I just can't, that we're not compatible. | ||
| We'll still be friends, I think. | ||
| I think we can get to the point where we'll be friends. | ||
| Because we were friends first. | ||
| So I think we can maintain that if I can't, you know. | ||
| The struggle. | ||
| Everything's a struggle. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| The struggle is real. | ||
| It is. | ||
| That's why I have people on, and we just talk about stuff that everyone's struggling with something, and multiple things, usually. | ||
| Well, I find... | ||
| This is just a rash generalization, but I'm good at those. | ||
| I find that women, when they're in their... | ||
| The prime of their life, not like 20, but as an actual grown woman with a career, and if they're smart and independent, they have a really hard time finding the right man. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's like if you're a dingbat, and you'll morph into whatever lifestyle your new boyfriend chooses, then you can be okay. | ||
| Yeah, because you don't know who you are. | ||
| But it's hard for a girl to find... | ||
| First of all, it's hard for a girl who's strong and smart to find a guy who's not intimidated by that. | ||
| Preach, Rogan. | ||
| Preach. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Who are you talking to? | ||
| You. | ||
| This is my life. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And I know so many women who are in my situation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So many who are just like... | ||
| It's women in their 30s. | ||
| Educated, know what they want, independent, have money, and just like, don't need a man, but just want one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the dudes can't handle it. | ||
| Well... | ||
| Well, it's hard both ways. | ||
| It's hard finding quality human beings to spend time with. | ||
| Especially in LA. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever it is. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard finding the right... | ||
| I mean, yeah, especially in LA. Especially in our line of work. | ||
| You know, we're in the attention business. | ||
| You know, we get attention professionally, right? | ||
| And make people laugh. | ||
| That's the business. | ||
| It's a fucking tricky business. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| But listen, you have one of the healthiest attitudes. | ||
| You really do. | ||
| I always say this about you. | ||
| Whenever we're at the store, you have the grind spots. | ||
| You get those grind spots at the store. | ||
| You get those 12 o'clock spots, 11.30. | ||
| Those are the grind spots. | ||
| That show's been on for three and a half hours by the time you get on. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| But you always have a positive attitude. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Always happy. | ||
| Always smiling. | ||
| Everybody's always happy to see you. | ||
| People are never like, oh, it's like Candace. | ||
| I feel like some people do, but those are the haters. | ||
| I don't know who they are. | ||
| I don't associate with those people. | ||
| But all my friends are always happy to see you. | ||
| You're very happy. | ||
| I am very happy. | ||
| My parents love me. | ||
| Ah, there it is. | ||
| Well, you're fucked then. | ||
| You're never going to make it in this town. | ||
| That's what I talk about. | ||
| I talk about that all the time. | ||
| I say if my parents had been just a little bit more abusive, you know, I could have had five sitcoms by now. | ||
| If my dad had just pulled a Joe Jackson at least just once or twice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| R.I.P. Joe Jackson. | ||
| He just passed away. | ||
| Well, R.I.P. Joe Jackson. | ||
| We were just reading about him. | ||
| People have been sending me these things that Dr. Conrad Murray says that Michael Jackson was chemically castrated. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I said that a long time ago that I thought he was a castrato. | ||
| Is that the word for being castrated? | ||
| A castrato is something that they used to do to young boys to get them to sing opera better. | ||
| You ever heard of this before? | ||
| I wonder if Aaron Neville has... | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think he's just doing a falsetto. | ||
| Because when you hear him talk, he talks like a man. | ||
| Michael Jackson also talked like this, too, by the way. | ||
| That was fake, though. | ||
| Did you hear? | ||
| Speaking of this Conrad Murray, his voice was like this. | ||
| Conrad Murray has a recording on his phone that he just played. | ||
| There was some documentary I just watched. | ||
| And it was Michael Jackson's last words. | ||
| Like on his deathbed. | ||
| Here's his deep voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| So open the door. | ||
| See? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That sounds like a girl. | ||
| It does not! | ||
| Yes, it does. | ||
| Sounds like a girl wants some dick. | ||
| See? | ||
| That was his real voice, too. | ||
| You hear that? | ||
| That is not deep. | ||
| No one said it was deep, but it's not... | ||
| Not this. | ||
| Okay, listen. | ||
| When that is his deep voice... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that sounds like he's got a cold... | |
| Sounds like my eight-year-old when she has a cold. | ||
| No one said it was deep, but it's not that. | ||
| This is what... | ||
| And why do all of them talk like that? | ||
| Why does Janet talk like this? | ||
| And Latoya? | ||
| Because they all got beaten by their dad. | ||
| But what does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were scared. | |
| So now they all have this... | ||
| Stay low-key. | ||
| So they have to talk like chipmunks? | ||
| If you read the stories, the chemical castrato, play her a sound of a real castrato, because there's only one recording from the early 1900s. | ||
| It was like some of the last of the castratos, because they don't do that anymore. | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| But they used to do it. | ||
| It was very common. | ||
| People would give their children to the opera. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Will they get us kicked off YouTube? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Jamie's got to do some finagling. | ||
| We get kicked off YouTube all the time for shit. | ||
| If we play things that are other people's copyrights. | ||
| This is a boy? | ||
| This is a boy, yeah. | ||
| That's what he used to look like. | ||
| I mean, you know, he was castrated, so he had no hormones. | ||
| His body did not produce testosterone. | ||
| And so this is a grown adult. | ||
| Male. | ||
| Singing like this. | ||
| Why wouldn't they just let the women sing it? | ||
| No, because it's a different thing. | ||
| It's a different sound. | ||
| Like, the women sound beautiful and they sound like women, but there's a sound that a castrato has, and that's a Michael Jackson sound. | ||
| The sound is an extremely feminine man. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Look, it's real. | ||
| If you see Tito and all the other Jacksons, they don't sound nothing. | ||
| Jermaine, no one looks or sounds anything. | ||
| No, he was definitely the standout. | ||
| So you think they did this to him when he was a kid? | ||
| This is what Conrad Murray says. | ||
| And look, it makes sense. | ||
| If you look at his body, if you look at it, he didn't have any muscle tone. | ||
| He was very slender. | ||
| He looked like he had no testosterone. | ||
| He sounded like a girl. | ||
| He sang like a girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tell him that it's human nature. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| It actually is not bad. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| Think about that voice. | ||
| Who the fuck sings like that to man? | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| And I always thought he, I never pictured him like for, took him for a sexual person at all. | ||
| Like when people were like, they said he was touching little boys. | ||
| I never believed that. | ||
| I always felt he was asexual. | ||
| I didn't get any type of sexual, any chemistry or any type of tension at all from him. | ||
| Did you check them out with a detector? | ||
| Yeah, I have a gate. | ||
| You know the gaydar? | ||
| I have the actual... | ||
| I bought mine on Amazon. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's entirely possible that that's true. | ||
| Because I thought about that. | ||
| We talked about that for years. | ||
| I was like, dude, I'm telling you. | ||
| I heard those castratos. | ||
| I know about that. | ||
| I guarantee you Joe Jackson knew about that too. | ||
| I bet they did that to that kid. | ||
| That's awful. | ||
| Turns out they did. | ||
| They used chemical castration. | ||
| I heard that that had happened, but I always thought it was like, for some reason I thought it was when he was an adult. | ||
| I thought it was like a personal choice that he made. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| No, I think the idea was his dad was trying to preserve his voice. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| So wait, a chemical castration, is that... | ||
| They kill your balls. | ||
| But with what? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Is it something that you take that doesn't shrivel up your balls, but something that just makes you... | ||
| You don't have the ability to produce testosterone anymore. | ||
| Well, let's find out here. | ||
| It says, Yeah. | ||
| He said Joe was physically abusive to him and his siblings were growing up but never mentioned undergoing any sort of hormonal treatments. | ||
| But this is what Conrad Murray says. | ||
| I just don't know. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Who do you believe? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| They both sound like crazy people. | ||
| The reason why I believe it is because of the way he sounded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It just makes sense. | ||
| And his dad was just a ruthless prick. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He was known as being a horrible person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But why would he only do that to one of his sons? | ||
| Because he was the only one that was young enough to do it to. | ||
| If you look at the Jackson 5, when they were taken off, like, oh, baby, give me one more chance. | ||
| He was five, six years old. | ||
| Everybody else was grown. | ||
| It was too late. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were all deep. | ||
| They were already grown men. | ||
| And this was the voice. | ||
| I mean, he was the voice. | ||
| ABC. I mean, he was so fucking cute, too. | ||
| They tried to keep that going forever. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Well, he's a cautionary tale, you know, and I think there's a level of fame that you get to where you just fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got too fucking famous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But isn't it also like that a certain type of person only wants that level of fame? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, have you ever thought about, like, people who get to, like, for example, like Donald Trump level? | ||
| Because it doesn't just apply to, like, the entertainment industry. | ||
| But, like, CEOs who, these multi-billion dollar, own these multi-billion dollar corporations. | ||
| Like, it takes a certain type of person to even want that type of clout, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I don't know. | ||
| I think that there's something in that as well. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think there's a pursuit involved in all these things, where you start off just chasing money, and then you get involved in a game, and it's all about numbers. | ||
| It's all about putting scores up, you know? | ||
| And I think as those scores continue to pile on, you continue to get more excited about your progress, and you want to keep going further. | ||
| If someone makes a million dollars a year, they don't go, that's good. | ||
| That's good enough. | ||
| No, they go, I want two million. | ||
| They make two million, I want a mansion. | ||
| They get a mansion, I want a jet. | ||
| They get a jet, I want a fucking island. | ||
| I have always wondered, like, when is it enough for people? | ||
| Because, like, I'm the type of person... | ||
| I don't think I would be like that. | ||
| Like, if I had $25 million and somebody was like, you have to do this to get another $25 million, depending upon what it is, if it was something that I didn't believe in or something that wasn't aligned with my morals, I wouldn't... | ||
| I'd be like, I already have $25 million. | ||
| Yeah, I don't need it that bad. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's different, though. | ||
| You're saying, like, if something was not aligned with your morals. | ||
| But if you had $25 million and you had an opportunity to make $30 million. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| If it was... | ||
| Yeah, but there are... | ||
| Just work a couple extra hours a week, Candice. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| Is that all it takes? | ||
| Yeah, maybe just a few... | ||
| Oh, well, that's fine. | ||
| Five extra hours a week, an extra hour a day, and we could ramp you up to $30 million a year. | ||
| Well, I would do that. | ||
| Yeah, you would do that. | ||
| I would do that. | ||
| And then they go, listen, Candice, we can get you really close to $75 million a year, but you're going to have to work 12 hours a day. | ||
| I'm sorry, I can't. | ||
| But people will come up to you and go, Candice. | ||
| 12 hours, I can't. | ||
| Candice, I know what you're saying. | ||
| I know you think it's hard, but listen, we've got some Adderall and we've got some massage therapists that will be on staff. | ||
| And if we do this for a few years, you retire comfortably. | ||
| For the rest of your life, you live in Ibiza, you fucking chill out in a hammock. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It never happens. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| That Ibiza thing never happens. | ||
| The hammock never... | ||
| It never comes. | ||
| You just keep making money. | ||
| But see, for me, it would come. | ||
| The only reason I'm working is so I can stop working. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| What's going to hit? | ||
| What number? | ||
| I would be fine with... | ||
| I'm gonna go with 200 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all you need? | |
| That's all I need. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're low maintenance. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| How much is it to buy an island? | ||
| Depends on where it is. | ||
| If it's where hurricanes hit all the time, I bet you get it cheap. | ||
| I get it for 75. Somebody, Richard Branson bought one last year and right after he bought it, it got destroyed. | ||
| Literally to the point where there are no living humans for the first time in 300 years on this island. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| He didn't do research? | ||
| Well, he just got unlucky. | ||
| He just bought it, and right after he bought it, it literally, the epicenter of the hurricane washed over it and just flattened the entire island. | ||
| I don't mean, if you're listening to this, Richard Branson, I don't mean to laugh at you. | ||
| Yeah, pull up that story. | ||
| Branson's Island. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull up the last time we talked about it. | |
| It's Necker Island, the one that he's owned for a while. | ||
| It's going to be reopened in a couple months. | ||
| Oh, so they redid it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's back to the line. | |
| Necker? | ||
| Those, Necker. | ||
| I don't like the way that's, it's too close. | ||
| It's like niggardly. | ||
| You know that word? | ||
| That's a dangerous word. | ||
| It means selfish, right? | ||
| Isn't it like selfish and stingy? | ||
| People are saying don't use that word anymore because it sounds too much like that other word. | ||
| Well, it does, but it's not the same word. | ||
| I know it's not, but it's tricky. | ||
| It is tricky. | ||
| You have to pronounce every letter. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Negardly. | ||
| Negardly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a problem. | ||
| You know, it's weird when words are okay sometimes, like pussycat. | ||
| Yeah, but you have to have another pussy fart changes the game. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| You can't say that on daytime talk. | ||
| That is weird though, right? | ||
| That you can say pussy cat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you say pussy, one, two, three, cat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like, hey, I don't like what you did there. | ||
| Unless you named your cat Pussy. | ||
| Ooh, yeah, I guess. | ||
| Octopussy, remember that? | ||
| That was a big deal. | ||
| Everybody's like, what is this? | ||
| No, I remember seeing that, I think when we lived in New York, it was a movie, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| 007. Yeah, seeing it like, I was a kid and I remember seeing it like, and I was like, ooh, that's a bad word. | ||
| It is a bad word. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't allowed to say it. | ||
| What were they doing? | ||
| That was like, they got a loophole in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some words that are like that. | ||
| Well, how about a dude named Dick? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Dick Cheney. | ||
| Anyone deserves that name like I don't I don't know anyone I don't think I think that's like one of those older school ones like I feel like no one goes by if your name is Richard you go by Richard or Rich now I don't think anybody's like yeah call me dick the way you know the weirdest one is Jack like if you're John Your nickname's Jack. | ||
| Wait, no one's name is just Jack? | ||
| Yeah, my nephew's name's Jack. | ||
| Well, who? | ||
| But John, if you use John... | ||
| They just call me Jack? | ||
| The nickname is Jack. | ||
| I never knew that. | ||
| Like John Kennedy? | ||
| They used to call him Jack Kennedy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I did know that then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His name was John. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| It's the same amount of letters, isn't it? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Are there any ones like that for girls? | ||
| Well, there's... | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not that I can think of. | ||
| I can't think of one. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Just name him Jack. | ||
| It's a completely different name. | ||
| It's a totally different name. | ||
| It sounds different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can we talk about, since we're on the nickname thing, so, you know, we're not allowed to say Tranny anymore, right? | ||
| You just said it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because I don't... | ||
| I personally don't find anything wrong with the word. | ||
| And now someone could very well say, well, you're not transgender, Candace. | ||
| You're not bothered by it. | ||
| It doesn't affect you. | ||
| But I don't know anyone that really used it in a derogatory way. | ||
| It was just a word that we said to refer to this type of person. | ||
| But to me, it sounds adorable. | ||
| To me, it's just the nickname for transgender to say tranny. | ||
| It's like, Jennifer, you call somebody Jenny. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of policing of language as of late, and it's ramped up because the internet, because people can complain more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think the problem is that it's not... | ||
| You're not putting any respect on that name. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's a respect? | ||
| It sounds like it's a... | ||
| Remember when Birdman went to visit Charlamagne? | ||
| Put some respect on my name. | ||
| It's respect. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Put some respect on my name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see that? | |
| You ever see that interview? | ||
| I didn't see that one. | ||
| He came in. | ||
| Apparently Charlamagne had been talking some shit about Birdman. | ||
| So Birdman came in with a giant crew. | ||
| And he's like, put some respect on my name. | ||
| And then he got up and left. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That's all he said? | ||
| That was the whole conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Charlamagne's going, okay, all right. | |
| I love beefs. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| You want to watch? | ||
| Yeah, yes, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's got stars all over his head. | ||
| What a crazy look that guy's got. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nigga, when my name come up, respect it. | |
| Respect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop playing with my fucking name. | |
| I'll drill y'all. | ||
| Stop playing with my name. | ||
| I ain't gonna say it no more. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Put some respect on my name. | ||
| I love beefs, man. | ||
| Were you following the Drake and Pusha T rap beef? | ||
| I tried to not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I tried to avoid it. | ||
| Because Jamie brings these up. | ||
| He comes in. | ||
| Did you hear about what's happening with Drake? | ||
| Turns out Drake has a kid with a porn star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I get it all from Jamie. | ||
| Jamie's the gossip news. | ||
| He's the TMZ of this studio. | ||
| It gives me so much life. | ||
| Why do you love that? | ||
| I love hurt feelings, man. | ||
| I do. | ||
| When it's like celebrities. | ||
| Oh, like they can get their feelings hurt. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| They can. | ||
| Fuck them! | ||
| Because all they're doing is bragging and talking about all the money they have. | ||
| What if they're not braggy? | ||
| What rapper is not braggy? | ||
| Rapper. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| So if there was a beat between Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson, would you like that? | ||
| I mean, that also would be entertaining. | ||
| That would also be entertaining, I'm not gonna lie. | ||
| I would like to see one of them cry. | ||
| I'm here for it. | ||
| Why do you like hurt feelings? | ||
| Because we're all human. | ||
| We all get our feelings hurt. | ||
| And it's nice to bring humble people sometimes. | ||
| Do you think if you're happier in your own life, you wouldn't like hurt feelings as much? | ||
| You just talked about me being a very happy person. | ||
| Happier. | ||
| I'm not saying you're totally 100% fulfilled. | ||
| You were saying earlier that you can't find a good man. | ||
| That doesn't mean I'm not fulfilled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Maybe my vagina. | ||
| But the rest of me, spiritually and emotionally. | ||
| You're happy even without. | ||
| So you're so happy. | ||
| I'm a very happy person. | ||
| I've been single most of my life. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| What's that supposed to mean? | ||
| That you're happy. | ||
| I believe you've been single most of your life. | ||
| I've always said that you're happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have. | |
| We just got done. | ||
| You have. | ||
| How many years have I known you? | ||
| You've been nothing but friendly. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I mean, what's to be mad about? | ||
| I'm just a grateful person. | ||
| I wake up every morning and I'm like, I'm just happy to be living this life. | ||
| It's a great life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is a great life. | |
| I mean, if you can make a living as a stand-up comedian, it's about as good as it gets. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Well, yeah, if that's what you want. | ||
| But even people who don't do stand-up want to kind of be stand-ups. | ||
| They want to do comedy. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| A lot of people do. | ||
| A lot of DJs do. | ||
| Radio DJs? | ||
| They all secretly want to be comics. | ||
| They think they're hilarious. | ||
| There's a lot of them to do, secretly. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That you come in and do morning radio and they're like, hmm. | ||
| It's like the closest thing to it, I think, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I'm trying to think of another profession, which is like stand-up comedy where you can tell jokes and people listen to you in the masses. | ||
| But I think, yeah, probably a radio DJ is the closest thing to that. | ||
| Some radio DJs that are dicks, some of them that get kind of... | ||
| Ego-y. | ||
| I think that's really what it is. | ||
| They also want to keep you on your heels because they know that you could do their job, but they can't do your job. | ||
| Like, you could just be a radio DJ. Absolutely. | ||
| That shit isn't hard. | ||
| Yeah, we're kind of doing it now. | ||
| Yeah, we are doing it now. | ||
| You host a podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know how to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could easily take over some fucking radio show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Put some music breaks in there. | ||
| Tell that dude to go on your spot, 1145 in the fucking OR after Joey Diaz. | ||
| Bitch, good luck. | ||
| Good fucking luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I find with dudes just in general, because it is mostly dudes, I don't find women competing with me to be funny most of the time that aren't comics, but even dudes who aren't comedians, if I go on a date with them or we're dating, it's like they always try to one-up me. | ||
| They try to one-up you even though they know you're a comic? | ||
| Yeah, because dudes, they always want to just be the funny ones, even if they're not comics. | ||
| They want to be the funny ones. | ||
| And it's like, you don't have to be. | ||
| And if you're dating me, I don't need that. | ||
| It's always good to have a dude that can make me laugh, but I don't expect that. | ||
| But could you deal with a dude that's not funny at all? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor at all, but I would like a dude who can riff with me, but also not intimidated by me and doesn't feel like he has to be funnier than me. | ||
| That's going to be your problem forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That! | ||
| Well, then I guess I'll just be single forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Get a robot boyfriend. | ||
| They're talking about making robot girlfriends. | ||
| I'm going to get a sex robot boyfriend. | ||
| Get a robot boyfriend. | ||
| Yeah, if they can open jars. | ||
| Go to Candace's house. | ||
| It'll be good. | ||
| The fucking Hulk answers the door. | ||
| Every time his eyes move, you hear him. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck, Candace? | ||
| What are you up to? | ||
| Well, Ian couldn't save me. | ||
| The Hulk will. | ||
| He fucks me and then he stays outside and looks out for Peep and Tom's. | ||
| And he stands guard outside my window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I wonder how women are going to get that. | ||
| Because I know guys are going to get that. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Did you see Ex Machina? | ||
| I've loved it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking great movie. | |
| Loved it. | ||
| It's one of my favorite movies ever. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I watch it every minute I can. | ||
| Yeah, I've watched that movie at least three times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that scene, like when that guy had those girls, they were his girlfriends. | ||
| You know, like the Japanese lady was dancing with them. | ||
| Yeah, that was my favorite scene. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is 100% going to happen. | ||
| There's no way that's not going to happen. | ||
| Of course it's going to happen. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Because y'all don't want to talk to women. | ||
| Why do you lump me in with all those other dudes? | ||
| Not you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not you. | ||
| I mean, look at you. | ||
| You're talking to a woman right now. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I just realized. | ||
| I saw... | ||
| Because, you know, I'll be watching the podcast. | ||
| And so you had another black Candace on not too long ago. | ||
| Oh, Candace Owens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm the one that's not in the sunken place. | ||
| Sunken place? | ||
| What's the sunken place? | ||
| Did you see Get Out? | ||
| Have you not seen Get Out? | ||
| Oh, I haven't seen that yet. | ||
| Yet! | ||
| What are you waiting for? | ||
| It's not in theaters anymore. | ||
| Well, most movies I don't watch in the theaters. | ||
| Most movies. | ||
| Well, yeah, you're a celebrity. | ||
| You can't go. | ||
| No, I go to the movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Then why'd you say you just can't? | ||
| You said you can't go to the movies? | ||
| I can't go to all of them. | ||
| I don't have time. | ||
| That was a really good one. | ||
| You should have gone. | ||
| If I go to one movie a month, it's a lot. | ||
| So I miss a lot of movies. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I go to little kids' movies. | ||
| I have kids. | ||
| I go to see The Incredibles. | ||
| Did you see The Incredibles? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I heard. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| It's better than the first one. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah, it's really good. | ||
| I wanted to see that the other night, but I got talked into going to see... | ||
| I call it Black Purge. | ||
| What's Black Purge? | ||
| It's called The First Purge. | ||
| You saw it. | ||
| Did you see the original Purge? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, now there's a black one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There is? | |
| And it's supposed to be The First Purge. | ||
| Then it tells the origin of how the Purge system started in America. | ||
| And it's with black people. | ||
| I haven't heard of this. | ||
| I didn't enjoy it. | ||
| Didn't enjoy it? | ||
| How come? | ||
| I didn't enjoy it. | ||
| I didn't enjoy it for many reasons. | ||
| There was acting problems, I felt in it. | ||
| There was acting problems. | ||
| I don't know the names of the people that I felt the acting bothered me, but I didn't enjoy that. | ||
| The story, I just felt like it's one of those ones where it's like the premise is really good, but it's just not executed well. | ||
| Like the idea of it like, oh shit, I want to see that, and then you go see it. | ||
| It was a letdown. | ||
| So, uh, Candace Owens is in the dark place? | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
| Sunken, the sunken place. | ||
| How so? | ||
| What do you mean how so? | ||
| She's a black chick who's like caping for Trump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Caping? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What is caping? | ||
| Like rooting for on his team. | ||
| Oh, I've never heard that term. | ||
| Yeah, supporting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I can't, I mean, by nature, I don't understand that. | ||
| And she's a woman. | ||
| She's a black woman. | ||
| You don't understand it? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| What is there to understand? | ||
| Like, you're a womanizer who has been also accused of rape on numerous occasions, also been, you know, has a history of racism from his family. | ||
| Like, his father used to, in his apartments, used to deny renting apartments to brown and black people. | ||
| So, like, he was raised with that. | ||
| So, like, and, you know, calling Mexicans rapists, like, I can't. | ||
| There's no explanation for supporting. | ||
| Yeah, I think she found a niche. | ||
| She did. | ||
| I think that's exactly what it is. | ||
| I don't even think necessarily she believes what she says. | ||
| I think that she was like, oh, this is a way for me to get famous because there are how many black... | ||
| You know what she is? | ||
| She's like the brand new Omarosa. | ||
| She's like new Omarosa. | ||
| I had Omarosa was on Fear Factor back in the day. | ||
| She was? | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| She accused me of being drunk. | ||
| On the show? | ||
| Yeah, I was talking to her. | ||
| Well, she didn't make any sense. | ||
| And so I was saying, I don't understand what you're saying. | ||
| She goes, Joe, are you drunk? | ||
| And I go, no. | ||
| She goes, I smell liquor on your breath. | ||
| I go, no, you don't. | ||
| I'm not drunk. | ||
| I was high as fuck, but I wasn't drunk. | ||
| That's so bizarre, you know. | ||
| I think she just was like Omarosa's out of the picture. | ||
| I'm gonna step up. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| She could be, honestly. | ||
| Have we ever seen Tommy Lahren and her in the same room? | ||
| Because I think she could be Tommy Lahren in blackface. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's how I feel. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| I think she needs more than blackface. | ||
| You need to change your nose a little bit. | ||
| There's more. | ||
| Do something to your hair. | ||
| It could have been a wig. | ||
| There's a couple of those girls that are interchangeable. | ||
| There's Lauren Southern and Tommy Lahren. | ||
| I always get them confused. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I honestly don't even know what Lauren looks like. | ||
| They look similar, though. | ||
| Blonde hair. | ||
| They're both... | ||
| Cute, blonde conservatives. | ||
| There's a market for that. | ||
| Of course there is, because that's not the norm. | ||
| Anything that's outside the norm is going to stick out and you're going to be like, oh, this is trendy now. | ||
| Like, this is what our party now is represented by. | ||
| And they're expecting that they're going to attract that younger demographic, the millennials. | ||
| And it is working somewhat. | ||
| Well, it's definitely getting there some attention. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's hard to tell what someone really believes and what they want you to believe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's hard to tell. | ||
| Like, global warming doesn't exist. | ||
| Wow, that one. | ||
| See, what that is to me, when she said that, that's indicative of someone who's trying to follow a line. | ||
| There's a line that you're supposed to follow if you are a hardcore Republican supporter. | ||
| And it's like, industry is good, big business is good, regulation is bad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then the big one is global warming is a hoax. | ||
| Or at least global warming is something that's greatly exaggerated by these environmentalists in order to fund Al Gore's blah blah blah blah. | ||
| You go down these lines. | ||
| Where everybody on the left believes one thing and everybody... | ||
| There's like certain things where you have to believe if you're on the right. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And certain things you have to believe if you're on the left. | ||
| Even if it makes you sound batshit crazy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like denying facts. | ||
| There's a few of those. | ||
| Statistics. | ||
| Like if you're right wing, you have to be pro-life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Pretty much. | ||
| There's very few right-wing people that are pro-abortion. | ||
| Or pro-woman's rights. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Isn't that what happened with Tommy Lahren, though? | ||
| Didn't she lose... | ||
| She lost some contract she had. | ||
| It may have been with Fox. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| But because she came out as saying she was pro-choice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, yeah, that was the... | ||
| And she suffered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's interesting. | |
| It's interesting when it happens. | ||
| Like, you're not allowed to have varying opinions. | ||
| Or, you know... | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| It's like an almost cult-like... | ||
| It's very cult-like. | ||
| It's definitely a tribe. | ||
| I mean, that's essentially what happens. | ||
| I haven't watched that. | ||
| My wife's obsessed. | ||
| Oh yeah, there's a new episode that comes out today. | ||
| I gotta watch it. | ||
| I watched one episode and I was like, this is just too fucked up. | ||
| It's too real. | ||
| These people are loving in hell. | ||
| It's too real. | ||
| You see the parallels, like the kids getting separated from their moms, and it's just like, this is literally happening right now. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That, to me, is one of the darker moments of this era. | ||
| The knowledge that thousands of kids get separated from their parents as they cross the board. | ||
| They're like, what? | ||
| What the fuck are we doing? | ||
| There's no excuses. | ||
| There's a video that I made. | ||
| It was just a rant on the podcast about it with my friend Duncan. | ||
| You know Duncan Trussell. | ||
| We've met only a couple times, but I don't know him very well, but everyone loves him. | ||
| So we did this rant, or I did this rant about it, and it got made into a video, and then All these people are like, you know, you don't understand the real issue on the border. | ||
| If the real issue on the border is separating parents from their kids, that's not the real issue, you fucking idiot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's supposed to be keeping criminals out. | ||
| You think that lady and her baby are criminals? | ||
| Are criminals. | ||
| And it's just, you imagine, I mean, people can't imagine what it'd be like to live in Mexico, right next to the United States. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| You just walk over there and get a job. | ||
| You're right there. | ||
| And meanwhile, over here, you're fucked. | ||
| To a better life. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To a better life. | |
| Over here, your cousin got killed by the cartel for looking at somebody wrong at a taco stand, and nobody ever goes to jail for it. | ||
| Do you know how many fucking politicians they killed in Mexico this year? | ||
| You know the number? | ||
| Somebody was just telling me. | ||
| Yeah, it's more than 100 this year. | ||
| Politicians murdered in Mexico. | ||
| That's the go-to place if you're going to murder somebody, right? | ||
| Like, it's right there, and they never investigate anything. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here, what's the number, Jamie? | ||
| 132 politicians killed this year. | ||
| 132? | ||
| How do we know this? | ||
| Mexico goes to the polls this weekend. | ||
| 132 politicians have been killed since campaigning began. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Record violence. | ||
| That's like worse. | ||
| And this is all because of us. | ||
| This is all because of the drug war. | ||
| If we just made drugs legal, there would be none of this going on. | ||
| Yeah, this is worse than when Pablo Escobar was out. | ||
| Well, Pablo Escobar, it's a very similar situation. | ||
| You know, it's all fueled by drug money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All this is drug money. | ||
| I mean, when you make drugs illegal, only criminals are selling drugs, and there's massive amounts of money because people love their cocaine. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They do. | ||
| Have you ever tried cocaine? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Yeah, no, I won't. | ||
| That's one I won't try. | ||
| Like, I prefer, like, I've done shrooms and weed, and that's it. | ||
| How often do you do shrooms? | ||
| Not often. | ||
| How often do you do weed? | ||
| The only weed that I have is given to me. | ||
| You know when I'll judge roast battle? | ||
| And they pay you in weed? | ||
| They're like, here's a bag of weed. | ||
| And then it takes me years to go through it. | ||
| That's how infrequently. | ||
| I'll smoke when I'm with friends, but I don't drink by myself, and I don't. | ||
| When I go home, I've had a bottle of liquor, a vodka that's been in my freezer over a year now. | ||
| What you're trying to say is you're healthy. | ||
| I'm very healthy. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| When you smoke weed, do you ever get paranoid? | ||
| This one time I did an edible. | ||
| I ate too much. | ||
| So you know Jamar Neighbors? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Very funny comic. | ||
| He gave me an edible one time. | ||
| And this was before anybody could just walk into a dispensary. | ||
| Because now you just have to show your ID and you can get anything from the dispensary. | ||
| This is when you had to have a card. | ||
| So he went in and got it for me. | ||
| And it was this lemon bar that said award winning on it. | ||
| And me being the weed novice, I was like, oh, this is going to be award winning because of the taste, right? | ||
| It's like probably a... | ||
| I was like, this is like a Paula Deen recipe. | ||
| And so I ate like half of it. | ||
| And I was by myself and I woke up. | ||
| I was laying down and I was in my bed and I sat up and I said, am I talking to myself? | ||
| I'm not talking to myself. | ||
| Oh my God, I am talking to myself. | ||
| I'm not talking to myself. | ||
| And I was saying this out loud. | ||
| I went on my phone to get on Twitter to make sure the world was still happening because I felt like I was in some weird Twilight Zone episode. | ||
| Yeah, it was awful. | ||
| So I got on there and then I forced myself to go to sleep because I was like, I can't be awake like this. | ||
| So I forced myself to go to sleep. | ||
| I woke up the next morning. | ||
| I was still high for like five more hours. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| Yeah, I gave my friend an edible and he called me up a day later and said, I'm still high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A day later. | |
| If you don't know what you're doing with it, because I had a conversation with someone else the other day and they were like, I ate four Rice Krispie Treats. | ||
| And I was like, why would you eat four of them? | ||
| He called the cops. | ||
| He called the cops and then went to a hospital because he thought he was dying. | ||
| Do you ever see the one where it was a 911 call? | ||
| The cops took weed from these people. | ||
| They pulled them over and then the cops used the weed to make pot brownies and then they ate the pot brownies and they called 911 on themselves. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| They called for an ambulance. | ||
| They said they were dying. | ||
| Please send help. | ||
| Time's moving very slowly. | ||
| But what's hilarious is it's a fucking 911 call from a cop. | ||
| From a cop. | ||
| And the cop is calling to get an ambulance because he's saying the time is moving slowly. | ||
| And they stole the weed from these fucking kids that they pulled over. | ||
| The whole thing is just... | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Drugs, man. | ||
| It's one of my all-time favorite 911 calls because it's just so stupid. | ||
| It's on YouTube? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, I'll have to look at it. | ||
| Can you please send help? | ||
| Time's moving very slowly. | ||
| Want to play it? | ||
| I was looking up an article about it. | ||
| The cop had to, he resigned before he got in trouble for A, taking the weed, and B, using it. | ||
| So he quit. | ||
| Yeah, that's probably a good move on his part. | ||
| I mean, you're kind of, at that point, you kind of have to. | ||
| Yeah, he called 911, and we're talking about it on a podcast years later. | ||
| Everybody's heard that. | ||
| Yeah, well, I didn't. | ||
| You never, that fucking, I guarantee you the video has probably been played a million times, easily. | ||
| More than a million. | ||
| Do you have it, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I just, I found a shorter version of it. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Listen to this poor fuck. | ||
| Just think about this. | ||
| To save... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think we're dead. | |
| I think we're dead. | ||
| See, pot is something that even when you're having an overdose, people laugh at you. | ||
| Because nobody dies. | ||
| Yeah, no one ever dies from weed. | ||
| And she's on the news. | ||
| Those are the stiffest fucking people on the planet. | ||
| You ever meet a real newscaster in real life? | ||
| Um, once. | ||
| They walk around like this. | ||
| Once. | ||
| They walk around like robots. | ||
| Like robots? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're like, hello, how are you? | |
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| That's wonderful. | ||
| They're always scared to say something wrong. | ||
| It's interesting, because we're all kind of in the... | ||
| That's considered entertainment. | ||
| They're on television. | ||
| They're in front of a camera. | ||
| They're not entertainers. | ||
| They're just readers. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's like people who don't have enough personality? | ||
| They have zero personality. | ||
| That's the whole thing. | ||
| If you have any personality, they'll kick you off the air. | ||
| The only thing you can have is you could be one of those weather girls with a big ass. | ||
| A few of those. | ||
| They got fat boobs, too. | ||
| It's not just the asses. | ||
| I noticed that. | ||
| That was the first thing when I moved out to LA. That was one of the first things I noticed with the LA weather people or the weather women. | ||
| I was like, they are hot. | ||
| Hot as fuck. | ||
| They didn't have this back in Cincinnati. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| High heels, short skirts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Talking about tornadoes and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sticking their ass out. | ||
| Pointing to weather patterns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yeah, there's one, I think it's South America, there's one famous lady. | ||
| She's like a famous weathercast. | ||
| She's like one of the hottest women on the planet. | ||
| Tiny little waist, giant ass, big tits. | ||
| She probably wears a waist trainer. | ||
| Mate, what are you hating on her? | ||
| Yeah, because I hate waist trainers. | ||
| Bobby Lee bought me one. | ||
| Bobby Lee bought you a waist trainer? | ||
| He takes me on the road with him sometimes. | ||
| And one time we were in like a CVS and I jokingly picked it up and I was like, Bobby, buy me this. | ||
| And he did. | ||
| And it was like $13. | ||
| But no, I still have it. | ||
| I never tried it. | ||
| But they're terrifying. | ||
| They like... | ||
| They're corsets that, you know, I've read articles that you say you're not supposed to wear these things because it binds. | ||
| It's bad for your organs, right? | ||
| It moves your organs around. | ||
| The Kardashians wear them. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yeah, so that's why I'm like, I'm not gonna be happy and promote that for women, hurting ourselves to look good. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's a weird look, too? | ||
| I'd rather have a thick waist than have a kidney in my neck. | ||
| Like a thick old... | ||
| Yeah, just... | ||
| Like a farm worker waist. | ||
| Yeah, well, not... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Someone can pick things up. | ||
| Calm down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Someone who carries hay. | ||
| I'm like an athletic build, so I don't have a tiny waist. | ||
| Does that bother you? | ||
| No, it doesn't bother me. | ||
| I like my body. | ||
| You should. | ||
| Nothing wrong. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| This is a conversation I never get into with guys. | ||
| I like my body. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you look good. | ||
| Tell me you like my body, Joe. | ||
| Say it, bro. | ||
| I look good, bro. | ||
| Is it okay? | ||
| Am I okay? | ||
| I got kind of a thick waist, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't I? Do I? I'm allowed to say I have a thick waist. | |
| You're not allowed to say it. | ||
| You're not allowed to say it? | ||
| I can say it. | ||
| You can't say it. | ||
| A girl can have thick thighs and a thick ass. | ||
| But even so, like women, we can say that and we know that men, some men or a lot of men like it, but being called thick never makes us feel good about ourselves. | ||
| Even if we know that men like it, it still makes it... | ||
| In the back of our head, we're like... | ||
| Does he mean I'm fat? | ||
| What's all this we shit? | ||
| Guaranteed there's girls out there that like being thick. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Like being called thick. | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| But you're saying we. | ||
| But a lot of women. | ||
| Because I know I've had conversations with other women that have been like, oh look, I used to be, when I was in high school, I was probably 20, 25 pounds heavier than what I am right now. | ||
| What were you eating? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Other high school kids? | |
| Lots of carbs. | ||
| Lots of carbs? | ||
| I didn't know how to eat properly because, so... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like no, no fat. | ||
| High fat is bad. | ||
| So they started doing low fat everything, but then they replaced the fat with sugar. | ||
| So it would taste palatable, you know, because if you take the fat out, the flavor is going. | ||
| So like, how do we get the flavor back? | ||
| So they put a bunch of sugar and stuff. | ||
| So you're eating like thinking, oh, it's low fat. | ||
| I would come home and eat, like, a bag of, like, low-fat pretzels. | ||
| Like, a bag of those Snyders of Hanover pretzels. | ||
| A bag. | ||
| One of those big ones. | ||
| And be like, why am I gaining weight? | ||
| Because I didn't know. | ||
| I thought low-fat meant, oh, I would... | ||
| It's low-fat. | ||
| It means no fat. | ||
| There's so much of that. | ||
| There's so many of those low-fat items that are just way worse for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't even... | ||
| I mean, are people... | ||
| I don't even think that's a thing. | ||
| Now it's gluten-free. | ||
| Gluten-free is what's popular. | ||
| Gluten-free and... | ||
| What's the other thing? | ||
| I can't think. | ||
| There's another thing that's kind of trending right now, but it's not just gluten. | ||
| Ketogenic diets? | ||
| Is that what you're talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't know what I'm thinking about. | ||
| I literally had a brain fart. | ||
| But there is something else. | ||
| Maybe paleo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A trendy? | |
| A new trendy thing? | ||
| Yeah, but it's all like nobody knows what the repercussions of any of these things are. | ||
| Like paleo might be good for temporary, but in the long term, we don't know the damage it's going to be doing. | ||
| Well, paleo is real simple. | ||
| It's not going to do any damage. | ||
| Paleo is just real food. | ||
| Paleo just means no grain and no rice. | ||
| That's all it means. | ||
| It's just no preservatives, no artificial flavors. | ||
| No artificial colors. | ||
| Just meat, chicken, fish, vegetables. | ||
| Meat, chicken, fish, vegetables. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| You don't have to worry about that being a trend. | ||
| This is going to be the low-fat trend. | ||
| That's a normal thing for people to eat. | ||
| You said fruits, too? | ||
| They can do fruits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Paleo can eat fruits. | ||
| Look, there's people that eat carnivore diet. | ||
| This is the most recent one where they only eat meat. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, that's not good. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| I have a friend with pretty severe autoimmune disease and it's gone because of eating only carnivore diet. | ||
| His daughter had her hip replaced and her ankle replaced. | ||
| She has terrible arthritis with carnivore diet gone. | ||
| Some people have a really adverse reaction to carbohydrates. | ||
| But no fruits and vegetables? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| He's not eating anything. | ||
| He's a professor. | ||
| Yeah, brilliant guy. | ||
| What's his cholesterol look like? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| See, people say things like that, like you just said that. | ||
| That's not where cholesterol comes from. | ||
| Dietary cholesterol doesn't have any impact on blood lipids. | ||
| It doesn't have any impact on your blood cholesterol. | ||
| This is where cholesterol is bad, when you have cholesterol and high carbohydrates. | ||
| Because when your body is burning a lot of carbohydrates, your body is in fat storing mode. | ||
| So if you eat a bunch of fat and carbohydrates, you're just going to get fat as fuck. | ||
| But if you do just the animal fat, then your body loses weight, believe it or not. | ||
| You actually get slim. | ||
| Yeah, no, I know about that part, but I didn't know the cholesterol part. | ||
| This is one important thing for people. | ||
| If you are on a high-fat, low-carb diet, you cannot eat large amounts of carbohydrates. | ||
| Because if you do, it's just going to go right to fat. | ||
| Because your body just is not... | ||
| It's confused. | ||
| Well, it's going to burn the carbohydrates, and it's going to take all the fat you take in and just store it. | ||
| So you're just going to get fat as fuck. | ||
| Well, with all this body positivity... | ||
| How do you know that's not what I want? | ||
| I want to get fat. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| So I can be body positive. | ||
| Body positive. | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| It's just embrace the fatness. | ||
| It's literally just being like, fat, love your body. | ||
| And that's fine. | ||
| You can be fat and love your body. | ||
| But it's also promoting unhealthy behaviors, I think, also. | ||
| And we need to distinguish between the two. | ||
| Well, we want to give people a free pass by saying, be body positive. | ||
| Don't fat shame. | ||
| Leave people be. | ||
| I have a black belt in fat shaming. | ||
| Are you good at it? | ||
| You know how you do taekwondo? | ||
| I do fat shaming. | ||
| Go to a dojo? | ||
| Look at this slob. | ||
| Fat, stinky armpits. | ||
| It used to be easy to fat shame. | ||
| Now people are super upset about it. | ||
| Yeah, no, I know. | ||
| I'm not sure he's right. | ||
| I'm really not. | ||
| Well, it's not right, but you should make fun of somebody for the way they look. | ||
| I don't think that's right. | ||
| But we shouldn't be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. | ||
| That too. | ||
| And also, like Tom Segura said, that people making fun of his weight is the reason why he lost weight. | ||
| He's like, fat shaming was very effective on me. | ||
| He lost the weight because people were fat shaming him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of behaviors are because you felt shame. | ||
| And we're in a society where like... | ||
| There's no shame anymore. | ||
| There's no shame? | ||
| With anything. | ||
| I know people that are, like, proud of their alcoholism. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I've heard people bragging about DUIs. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| You're hanging around with the wrong people. | ||
| They're not my friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I just have heard it. | ||
| So do you think that's an escape clause? | ||
| Like, they're just like, they're giving themselves an out? | ||
| Like, ah, I love being an alcoholic. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, I think to them, it's because of, we're accepting everything now, that it's just like, it's just fun behavior. | ||
| Like, I'm fun when I'm drunk, and it's just, and that's fine. | ||
| You can be fun, but also, you know, there's Ubers. | ||
| Take a Lyft. | ||
| Why are you driving? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's the problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially today. | ||
| There's no excuse for that, especially in Hollywood. | ||
| I mean, that fucking comedy store parking lot, you can't get out of it because it's always jammed up with Lyfts and Ubers. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Which is great, but also it is annoying. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| But it's great that people are choosing to have somebody drive them around. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Still, the whole thing about Ubers is like, how much background check are they doing on those freaks? | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I'm positive I've gotten in a Lyft driver, or Uber driver, because I used to do Uber, but they suck, so I started doing Lyft. | ||
| But yeah, I'm sure I got in an Uber at one point where somebody was drunker than I was. | ||
| Let me get this. | ||
| Yeah, they're not checking them, right? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| I feel like being, because you don't drink at all, do you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I drink. | |
| You do drink? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I just feel like I have such a non-addictive personality, and I feel that most people are addicted to things. | ||
| Mm. | ||
| And that's why it's also tough for me, like, dating also. | ||
| It's because I see I know that a lot of people that I have, you know, been on dates with or whatever, it's like, oh, this lifestyle is not conducive to what I'm trying to do. | ||
| So we just don't click in that way. | ||
| Because you find you go on dates with guys who are getting fucked up a lot? | ||
| Yeah, like a lot. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Like every weekend? | ||
| Weekend. | ||
| Nights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Weeknights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Any day. | ||
| Is it Tuesday? | ||
| Why am I not drunk yet? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So yeah, I actually, the last app that I got on was like, it's called Meet Mindful. | ||
| Because I wanted to, like, find people who were... | ||
| Some yoga dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Somebody who is just more present and maybe likes themselves a little bit more so they don't have to get drunk all the time to be with themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How'd that work out? | ||
| Well, they were like, you gotta pay $30 a month. | ||
| And I was like, maybe I'm not looking for love right now. | ||
| I paid before for eHarmony. | ||
| That's what I paid for that one. | ||
| I paid almost $200 for that one. | ||
| How would that work out? | ||
| Terribly. | ||
| And that's why I'm hesitant to pay again, because I got nothing. | ||
| I got literally nothing from that. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I thought eHarmony instantly finds the love of your dreams, and then you sit down with them on a couch, and they do a video with you. | ||
| I knew that as soon as I met Candice... | ||
| She was the one. | ||
| I was on there for over a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I called customer service and complained. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| Where's my dick? | ||
| Yeah, where's my dick at? | ||
| You promise me dick by month three or I get a refund. | ||
| You know, I called and I said I would like a refund. | ||
| She was like, why? | ||
| And I said, these dudes are like fours, like all of them. | ||
| And below. | ||
| They were just, all of them were like the worst looking people I had ever seen. | ||
| And she was like, you have so many messages that you haven't responded to. | ||
| I said, did you not hear my first complaint? | ||
| Like, I'm not going to respond to any of these dudes. | ||
| They were terrible looking. | ||
| And not just like physically, but just like the photo, like terrifying looking. | ||
| Like serial killers, like don't know, like pictures of just a forehead. | ||
| You don't even take a picture properly. | ||
| The dating app world's gotta be fucking weird. | ||
| No, you're so lucky. | ||
| I know several people that are in the dating app world. | ||
| You're so lucky. | ||
| They'll tell me about it. | ||
| They're swiping right all the time, swiping left. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Which one do you swipe white if you like them? | ||
| Which one do you? | ||
| Do you say swipe white? | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You racist motherfucker. | |
| How dare you? | ||
| I tried to swipe black, but there wasn't an option. | ||
| There was a phase where I was swiping white. | ||
| It didn't work out? | ||
| No, I've dated a couple of white dudes in my life. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Barely? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of them, I think, was gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Another one was a pathological liar. | |
| I've dated two gay dudes, I think. | ||
| So out of your study group, white people are gay and pathological liars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And that's it. | ||
| There's nothing else. | ||
| Or the two are not mutually exclusive. | ||
| You could be gay and a pathological liar. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure it's possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can have that combination. | ||
| Joe, send me one of your friends. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll try to find somebody for you. | ||
| Serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll try to find somebody. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Are you saying it like... | ||
| Not a MMA person. | ||
| Oh, you don't want to... | ||
| Well, how come? | ||
| I don't think I could handle that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| It's a lot of muscles. | ||
| You don't like muscles? | ||
| Not that much. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| You want to do the works like once a week? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe, yeah. | |
| Twice? | ||
| Maybe twice? | ||
| Maybe twice. | ||
| Maybe twice, but it doesn't go crazy? | ||
| Let's not go crazy. | ||
| No one who gets up in the morning and runs early. | ||
| I mean, they could do that. | ||
| Psychos. | ||
| I'll be meditating while he's running, so that's fine. | ||
| That'll work out. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, but I just don't want someone who, like, might be on steroids. | ||
| Oh, might be. | ||
| Might be. | ||
| Might be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'll keep it in mind. | ||
| It's gotta be hard. | ||
| Like, when you fill out one of them eHarmony things, what do you have to write? | ||
| You write what your occupation is, what you're looking for. | ||
| What do you write what you're looking for? | ||
| Do you ever write, I'm just looking for dick? | ||
| No! | ||
| Do you write, I'm looking for a meaningful relationship with a person of my dreams? | ||
| Women already have to swat the dicks away without writing, I'm looking for dick. | ||
| Swat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swat. | |
| Dicks. | ||
| You walk outside and it's like, dicks! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Get out of here! | ||
| Dicks, dicks! | ||
| No! | ||
| So, yeah, no, you can't write that. | ||
| And if I wanted that, I'd be on Tinder, you know? | ||
| Oh, is Tinder the move? | ||
| If you just want some dick? | ||
| You're so lucky. | ||
| You don't know about any of this. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Tinder is the dick app. | ||
| So if you just want some dick, Tinder's the way to go. | ||
| And even Bumble is kind of turning into that. | ||
| Do you think that... | ||
| I don't know what Bumble is. | ||
| Is that a new one? | ||
| Not new anymore. | ||
| A newer one is Coffee Meets Bagel. | ||
| I was on that one for a minute. | ||
| I was reading this thing that said that there's a spread. | ||
| This made me angry. | ||
| It said, is Tinder and Grindr, are they responsible in any way for the spread of STDs from their apps? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| Of course they are. | ||
| They don't owe a goddamn thing to those horny freaks sticking their dicks. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| They shouldn't be sued. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| But they're saying, should they take responsibility? | ||
| Take responsibility, no. | ||
| But I guarantee that more people are hooking up because of these things. | ||
| Right. | ||
| These apps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And doing it unsafely. | ||
| So what? | ||
| There's not any skin off their back. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| But it's a weird time where, like, people are getting in trouble for things that other people are doing. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Like, you want people to be responsible. | ||
| No one's taking personal responsibility for their own mistakes. | ||
| Like, yeah, put a condom on. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard stories about, like, gay dudes, man, they are so trifling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| My friend, a gay dude, was telling me about what the behavior in gay gyms, how, like, they have in the shower... | ||
| There's a signal so that if you want somebody to come up in there and just ram you... | ||
| Send it home. | ||
| Yeah, you leave the curtain partially open and that's kind of like a signal to be like, okay, if you want to come up in here and get some, you can. | ||
| And I was talking to a friend, I was like, what if you didn't know that rule and you accidentally leave the curtain open just because you didn't close it properly? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| And all of a sudden some dude is... | ||
| Well, every time I've been in gyms around gay people, I used to belong to Gold's Gym on Cole. | ||
| It's in West Hollywood. | ||
| And that's where we used to film news radio right down the street from there. | ||
| So that was the gym that I worked at. | ||
| It's a gay disco. | ||
| That gym is a goddamn gay disco. | ||
| And when I would go there, not that there's anything wrong with that, but when I would go there, you'd get that feeling that a girl gets all the time. | ||
| You're terrified. | ||
| All these eyes on me. | ||
| Someone trying to fuck you. | ||
| I feel unsafe right now. | ||
| It's a different feeling. | ||
| Girls hitting on you is like, if you want, you can come over here. | ||
| Guys hitting on you is like, if you want, I'll come over there. | ||
| It's a different feeling. | ||
| You sounded like Michael Jackson right there. | ||
| Did I? Michael Jackson when he's not using this falsetto voice? | ||
| But it's an uncomfortable feeling knowing that guys want to fuck you. | ||
| Like I couldn't imagine being a girl just trying to navigate my way through dudes. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| Swatting dicks away. | ||
| Swatting them. | ||
| Swatting them. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crack. | |
| Having peeping toms at your windows. | ||
| It's a scary world out there. | ||
| So your neighbor, when they found that guy, was he hot? | ||
| No. | ||
| What if he was? | ||
| I still don't know. | ||
| What if he's hot and he said, I'm sorry? | ||
| You're gonna be in my window. | ||
| Hey, girl. | ||
| Hey, girl. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I came home from the club. | ||
| I was a little drunk. | ||
| I've always had this thing for you. | ||
| I can't believe I was whispering. | ||
| Hey, your pussy is disrespectful. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| What if he says it like that? | ||
| If you'd like me to take you out for drinks and just... | ||
| We'll make up to you. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| Well, you know, you put it like that. | ||
| Who am I to turn down? | ||
| Here's my eHarmony profile. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The terrifying part is that I don't know who it was. | ||
| And it could be someone I know. | ||
| And even the way my neighbors described him was that it actually, the way they described him did describe someone that I know and consider a friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| But then when I showed my neighbor the picture of the person I was talking about, they were like, no, I don't think that's him. | ||
| But still now in the back of my head, I'm like, what if it was? | ||
| So now my friendship with this person has been a little strained because of it. | ||
| So I'm like, I don't trust you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| That is weird. | ||
| That's the life of a girl. | ||
| Women have to worry about shit that guys don't have to worry about. | ||
| I know. | ||
| So many things. | ||
| Yeah, there are no girls outside your window whispering, Well, they are, but it's because you dated them before and you wronged them and you cheated on them or did something and now she's stalking you. | ||
| Or you found out they're crazy and they know where you live now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm very interested in all of relationship behavior and crimes of passion. | ||
| I like all of it. | ||
| I'm very into it. | ||
| Like those A&E shows? | ||
| Yeah, A&E are like Snapped on Oxygen. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's Snapped? | |
| When people snap? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Mostly women. | ||
| It's mostly women. | ||
| Sometimes it's the men. | ||
| Of course, it's Oxygen. | ||
| It is Oxygen. | ||
| That's the women channel, right? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, that's Lifetime. | ||
| Why is oxygen a women's channel? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oxygen is like air. | ||
| We need that. | ||
| Everybody needs that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But yeah, we were... | ||
| I was watching Snapped. | ||
| I watch it. | ||
| Not so much anymore, but it's been on for a long time. | ||
| But every episode is like a different couple. | ||
| And the woman is just like, can't put up with the shit anymore. | ||
| Like her dude's cheating on her or like taking her money or abusing her or whatever. | ||
| And then she snaps and she kills him. | ||
| Well, you always... | ||
| There's always a spoiler alert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| For every show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah. | |
| You know where it's going to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, right. | |
| And she just couldn't take it anymore. | ||
| It's in the title. | ||
| Gee, I wonder when she's going to snap. | ||
| Next thing you know, there's a dick flying across the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my only thing. | |
| I don't want to be a victim of a crime of passion. | ||
| Just don't... | ||
| You know, just break up with me. | ||
| You don't have to kill me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| That's a reasonable request. | ||
| What's the craziest thing? | ||
| What's the craziest thing a girlfriend has ever done to you? | ||
| Have you gotten your car keyed before? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've been pretty good at navigating those waters. | ||
| I've got pretty good crazy radar. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| The problem is when they're really hot. | ||
| When they're really hot and they're also crazy, like, damn, this might be worth a risk. | ||
| That's usually what... | ||
| I don't know if you've seen this. | ||
| It was a YouTube clip and the guy drew a chart And it was like a chart of crazy to hotness. | ||
| And it's like all the hot chicks are always crazy. | ||
| And it basically tells you in what range you have to find the normal woman. | ||
| My friend Tony Zara has it best. | ||
| He said that there's like erotic and neurotic. | ||
| And they cross over. | ||
| Like a Venn diagram? | ||
| They hit this... | ||
| They hit this crossover. | ||
| They're two interchangeable things. | ||
| Completely closely related. | ||
| Psychotic, neurotic, and erotic. | ||
| They're all together. | ||
| And if you get the really erotic women, they're almost always psychotic or neurotic or crazy. | ||
| There's just something wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Red flags. | ||
| The really fun ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just the ones that really want to rock your world. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| And so, if you're wondering, I'm very normal. | ||
| Boring and slick. | ||
| Again, my parents loved me, which means I don't do anal. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That is a weird thing, right? | ||
| If your parents love you too much, you might not be as ambitious. | ||
| I mean, that is true. | ||
| Like, I wish. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| Like, I think I'm definitely ambitious. | ||
| Like, I'm definitely, you know, I've been doing this for, like, 10 years now. | ||
| And it's like, I have come so far. | ||
| So it's like, yeah, no, I definitely have goals and I'm achieving them. | ||
| But it's also, I'm also not like, what we were talking about earlier, like the CEOs of these corporations. | ||
| Like, I don't have that kind of drive. | ||
| Like, I just want to do what I love and make good money doing it. | ||
| You've been doing stand-up for 10 years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Where'd you start? | ||
| Here. | ||
| At the store? | ||
| Not store, but like in LA. I started the first place I got up, you know, doing open mics and stuff, but I didn't want to go to the store at first because I was like, I don't want to go there if I'm not funny yet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Then who knows is going to see me and they're going to be like, oh, she's not funny. | ||
| When did you get past the store? | ||
| Like December of 2014, so almost 2015. Oh, so that was right when I came back. | ||
| Yes, it was right when you came back because that was right. | ||
| I was the first, me and Earl Skakel were the first people that Adam passed when he got promoted to that position. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, because I don't know if Tommy was ever going to pass me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Tommy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| So when I came back, I got to see the whole new crop. | ||
| There was a whole new crop of people in the seven years that I was gone. | ||
| Was it seven years? | ||
| Yeah, I was gone for seven years. | ||
| I thought I'd be gone forever. | ||
| If Tommy didn't get fired and Adam didn't take over, I would have still been gone. | ||
| That was the dumbest thing. | ||
| The dumbest decision. | ||
| For me, it was a good decision. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was healthy to get away from the store for a little bit. | ||
| Sort of changed my comedy. | ||
| Made it a little less evil. | ||
| There's something about that place. | ||
| It was cathartic for you, yeah. | ||
| That place is so harsh. | ||
| But haven't you noticed that the energy has changed since Adam was taken over? | ||
| It's a completely different place. | ||
| It's a different place without Tommy. | ||
| It's a different place just because of the vibe of the Comedy Store is now also fortified by the internet. | ||
| It's like people who love the place because it's this iconic historical landmark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like the Mecca of comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It really is the Mecca. | ||
| It's the best club in the country. | ||
| Now it's the real Mecca. | ||
| When I was a kid, when I was first starting out, I had heard about the Comedy Store. | ||
| You know, because Sam Kinison started out there and Richard Pryor was always there. | ||
| That was the place. | ||
| I needed to go to the Comedy Store. | ||
| When I came out here, I was already on a sitcom and I didn't get past the store. | ||
| I was a non-paid regular so I was able to go on at the end of the shows. | ||
| When I first got here, when I got passed as a paid regular, it was like the happiest moment of my life. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| I'm a paid regular at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Like, that to me was bigger than being on a television show. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I'm here. | ||
| But back then, the Comedy Store was a ghost town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was deserted. | ||
| There was no one there. | ||
| You'd go on a Friday night, there'd be 30 people in the audience. | ||
| It was just gross. | ||
| And there was a lot of boat acts still floating around. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Something happened in the Kinnison age. | ||
| Kinnison age was like 84 to 87, 88. And in that time, that guy was just running rampant and destroying. | ||
| And he was a maniac. | ||
| And he was the top of the world. | ||
| And then he dropped off, and then he died. | ||
| And then when he died, that place was a ghost town. | ||
| So I came along right after he died. | ||
| I came along in 94, and there was no one there. | ||
| So it went from being this jam-packed, like, I would always hear, like, all these celebrities come to see Kinnison do spots late at 9, and be like, whoa, that must have been nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, John Belushi would be there, and Jack Nicholson, and all these different people. | |
| And then you go there, I don't know if it was John Belushi, he was probably dead by then. | ||
| When did John Belushi die? | ||
| He died in 82? | ||
| Yeah, he died earlier than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I shouldn't have said John Blue. | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
| But I know Jack Nicholson and a bunch of other celebrities who go to see Kinison. | ||
| And I remember thinking, man, nobody famous comes here now. | ||
| This place is a shithole. | ||
| It's like there's nobody there. | ||
| But it's different now. | ||
| Now it's hopping. | ||
| It's amazing now. | ||
| No, it's every show sold out. | ||
| Every show. | ||
| Every show. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Last night was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I was thinking that the other day. | ||
| It was like, what a time for me to be a regular at the store. | ||
| It just happened at the perfect time. | ||
| Because I know so many people that were door guys back when I've heard stories. | ||
| Bobby would tell me stories from when he used to work there and Freddie Lockhart when they were door guys. | ||
| And I'm like, wow. | ||
| That place sounds so shitty. | ||
| They were getting paid like $25 for the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day. | |
| You can't even eat off that. | ||
| Sounds awful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I met Bobby who's a door guy at the La Jolla store. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When I met Bobby, it was like 1994 or some shit like that. | ||
| We went to a strip club and he almost got killed. | ||
| What? | ||
| I mean, that sounds about right. | ||
| At first I'm like, what? | ||
| He's hitting on some girl and apparently she was dating some Mexican gangbanger and this guy who had long black hair and tattoos on his face in the 90s. | ||
| In the 90s he had tattoos on his face. | ||
| It wasn't even popular back then. | ||
| And then he was looking over at me and they're talking to his friends. | ||
| I go, we are getting the fuck out of here. | ||
| I think Jimmy Schubert was with me. | ||
| It was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby Lee. | ||
| I go, we're getting the fuck out of here. | ||
| And Bobby's like, those guys aren't going to do shit. | ||
| I go, I will fucking leave you. | ||
| I go, you don't have any idea what danger is. | ||
| I go, those guys are going to do something. | ||
| And you can fight. | ||
| I wasn't worried about fighting. | ||
| I was worried about getting shot. | ||
| They were going to murder. | ||
| I'm like, this is a bad scene, dude. | ||
| We got to get out of here now. | ||
| And Bobby's like, those guys ain't gonna do shit. | ||
| I'm like, who is this guy? | ||
| You are the smallest person here. | ||
| Well, he was, you know, 21 years old or whatever the fuck he was. | ||
| He was out of his mind. | ||
| He was a child. | ||
| I mean, he's still childlike in many ways, but yes. | ||
| In all ways. | ||
| Name one way or he's a man. | ||
| I tell his girlfriend all the time. | ||
| I was like, you're the most patient woman in the world to deal with him. | ||
| Yeah, that's an odd couple. | ||
| It's a very odd couple. | ||
| Seems to work, though. | ||
| They've been together for a while. | ||
| Oh, they love each other. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| And they met on Tinder. | ||
| Kapow! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It worked. | ||
| I know two people. | ||
| I said it worked and you went... | ||
| Because I know two people that it worked for. | ||
| Them and also I know a couple that was getting married this weekend who met on Tinder. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| Maybe it's just you. | ||
| That's four people. | ||
| Maybe it's just you. | ||
| Maybe you need to give Tinder a second chance. | ||
| I know for sure it is me because I refuse to settle. | ||
| I know for sure it is me. | ||
| How do you think, using your vision board and all of your manifesting, how can you just... | ||
| Put some dick on my vision board. | ||
| How can you get someone in your life that you need in your life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How can you do this? | |
| I honestly, honestly, honestly Rogan. | ||
| Honestly, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Honestly. | ||
| Every time I think of your name, I think of Tyrone Figgums. | ||
| I don't know if you know this about me, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I smoke rocks. | ||
| I think that was my first... | ||
| I mean, I knew you from Fear Factor, but I also... | ||
| That was a huge, you know, for me. | ||
| Before I even knew I'd be doing stand-up when I'm watching this Chappelle show. | ||
| And I just remember, it makes me laugh so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan. | |
| My feet are strong. | ||
| That was a great character. | ||
| I, like, have tried to do crack impressions. | ||
| Like, crack head impressions for jokes before. | ||
| And I can't because every time I try to do an original crackhead impression just from my own inspiration and from watching other real crackheads, I can't do it because the default crackhead is now Tyrone Biggums. | ||
| And I'm like, I can't do it because I can't do Tyrone Biggums on stage. | ||
| There's certain people that create characters that forever... | ||
| They're iconic. | ||
| Yeah, that's the crackhead for the rest of time. | ||
| For the rest of time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| Isn't it amazing that that show was only two seasons? | ||
| That's what's amazing. | ||
| And that it was 15 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And even more amazing that he just said, fuck it, and left. | ||
| And left. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Gotta go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I get it, though. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I totally get it. | ||
| I was on Comedy Central at the time, and I saw the management and how it was working there. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| Whenever you tell people that aren't funny, that are executives, tell them to manage funny, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| Let Dave Chappelle be Dave Chappelle. | ||
| Trust me, he's going to make the most funny. | ||
| Let him and Neil Brennan figure out Figure out what they're doing and just get out of the way. | ||
| Get out of the way and put ads on it. | ||
| Yeah, and you saw the success of what had happened with what they did with that control. | ||
| Yeah, you know, they tried to do a bunch of shit with him. | ||
| First of all, they tried to get him to change his language, stop using the N-word. | ||
| They wanted him to stop using it because they would get more ads. | ||
| It was all about people not comfortable with advertising with certain kind of sketches, so they wanted to maximize their profits. | ||
| Well, so tone down the show a little, maximize their profits, and Dave was like, I see where this is going. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Lose complete control. | ||
| He just quit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine the executives when they found that he was really quitting. | ||
| They were like, what? | ||
| He's just joshing. | ||
| Yeah, they're probably like, what? | ||
| He's just bluffing. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't like the way you guys are shaping the show, so he's going to quit, and he's in Africa now. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Click. | ||
| But we were just going to make $180 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we were just going to make $180 million! | |
| No. | ||
| Dave just quit. | ||
| Oh, you guys blew it. | ||
| You know, people don't remember, but for a while, Dave was doing shows and he wasn't getting paid. | ||
| He wouldn't do shows where he got paid. | ||
| He would show up in the park. | ||
| He showed up in Seattle. | ||
| It was like a big deal. | ||
| He put up a speaker. | ||
| He put up his own PA system and started doing stand-up in the park. | ||
| And a crowd gathered around. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And that's what he would do. | ||
| He would just show up places and start doing stand-up. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| You know, when I met Dave, I met Dave, he's like, I was 21, he was like 18, something like that. | ||
| Or maybe I was a little older. | ||
| I was like 24 and he was 18. And he would do shows outside. | ||
| Like, we would do a gig. | ||
| We did a gig in Montreal. | ||
| And then after we did the gig in Montreal, we came downstairs outside of Club Soda. | ||
| And he just started doing stand-up on the street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, gather round. | |
| I got some shit to tell you. | ||
| And then he would start doing stand-up on the street. | ||
| And he learned it from Charlie Burnett. | ||
| Charlie Burnett, he was like an old-school New York character who did a lot of street comedy. | ||
| Didn't we have a video of Charlie Barnett? | ||
| There's one online. | ||
| Yeah, this is what he would do. | ||
| Charlie Barnett would do comedy like this. | ||
| He got these giant crowds and would walk around a park and get everybody to gather around. | ||
| And he was such a showman that people would just sit and wait and he would do stand-up. | ||
| Here it is in Washington Square Park. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, look at this crowd. | |
| We're in the village. | ||
| I love the village. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got a nice mixed crowd. | |
| I mean, look what we got. | ||
| We got white folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got black folks. | |
| We got Puerto Ricans. | ||
| Puerto Ricans. | ||
| Puerto Ricans. | ||
| We got a lot of fucking Puerto Ricans. | ||
| But I'm not gonna fuck with the Puerto Ricans, man, because y'all born with knives! | ||
| Y'all cut me up and I won't even know what you're saying! | ||
| He would do this. | ||
| This is how he would do his stand-up. | ||
| He would yell it out in the park. | ||
| I got a chance to see him a couple... | ||
| He died of AIDS. Like somewhere... | ||
| I think it was in the early 90s he died. | ||
| But I got to see him... | ||
| That's when people were dying of AIDS. Yeah, back when AIDS would kill you. | ||
| Now AIDS is like the flu. | ||
| Yeah, it's like everybody got it. | ||
| Yeah, don't whine if you got AIDS. My uncle's got leukemia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't even have medication for that, bro. | |
| But Charlie Burnett influenced Dave, and Dave would do that kind of stand-up. | ||
| Dave would just do stand-up in front of a club. | ||
| And people would just gather around and watch him. | ||
| And I remember thinking, like, wow, that's not really me. | ||
| I can never do that. | ||
| But man, that kind of detachment, to be able to just be free in front of a crowd like that. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's powerful. | ||
| And, you know, we've performed in all different types of really terrible places. | ||
| You know, when you're coming up and you're just doing open mics in bars and, like, coffee shops or whatever. | ||
| And I still, to this day, roll my eyes when it's an outdoor venue. | ||
| Because it's just like... | ||
| Because, you know, there's nothing to trap the sound. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, like, the laughs just get lost. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just disappear into the ether. | ||
| That happens with arenas, too, when you do stand-up in an arena. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Not that I've performed in an arena. | ||
| It's on my vision board, though. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| Right next to the dick. | ||
| What's on your vision board that's weird, besides dick? | ||
| That's weird? | ||
| You got anything crazy in your vision board? | ||
| You got a private jet on your vision board? | ||
| Is that crazy? | ||
| Do you have one? | ||
| It's actually not on my vision board, but I do visualize it. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I do visualize it. | ||
| How do you visualize it? | ||
| Do you visualize you? | ||
| When I meditate. | ||
| Do you visualize you strolling with a tiny bag with a dog in it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And you got like a cigarette holder and giant glasses? | ||
| Cigarette holder to people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just like Hunter S. Thompson? | ||
| Like Zsa Zsa Gabor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stroll on with high-heeled stilettos and a tight skirt. | ||
| Like, oh, oh, where's my seat? | ||
| Where's my seat? | ||
| It's wherever the fuck I want it to be, bitch. | ||
| This is my plane! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Let my dog shit on the floor. | ||
| It's my plane, motherfucker! | ||
| No, my private jet is going to be much more basic than that. | ||
| I just want a plane where I can fart freely and not have to worry about other people. | ||
| One time I held a fart from Cincinnati to Los Angeles. | ||
| That's very polite of you. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Especially on a plane. | ||
| A lot of people are sneaky on planes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But I was like, I can't do this to anybody. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm a very considerate person. | ||
| But if it was your plane? | ||
| Let them loose. | ||
| But what if it was your plane and you had a stewardess? | ||
| Still let it loose? | ||
| Flight attendants. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| They change it to flight attendant because they have male flight attendants. | ||
| Because you can't call a male stewardess. | ||
| Do they really have male flight attendants? | ||
| I've seen them all the time. | ||
| Are they really male? | ||
| Well, I mean, yes. | ||
| They're gay, but they're men. | ||
| They're more feminine than me, but yes, they're still men. | ||
| I went to the dentist today and I had to fill out one of them. | ||
| I'm going to the dentist on Friday. | ||
| OMG, we're so alike. | ||
| I had to fill out this form, and on the form it said sex. | ||
| It said male or female. | ||
| I was like, where's the other? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where's the other, bitch? | ||
| Where's kins? | ||
| Where's other kins? | ||
| Other kins? | ||
| Yeah, you don't know about other kins? | ||
| No, I don't know what that is. | ||
| Oh, there's people that think they're a fox. | ||
| They identify with foxes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, I'm an elf kin. | ||
| No. | ||
| People think they're fairies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm a wood elf. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm other kin. | ||
| People think that there's supposed to be something else. | ||
| They're like a person, but really they're an animal that's trapped in a person's body. | ||
| No, they're just crazy. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| This lady. | ||
| When people ask me, how does it feel to be a cat? | ||
| I'm like, how does it feel to be a human? | ||
| Oh, that's rational. | ||
| Whoever your dad is, hey, dude, who's her dad, fuck you. | ||
| Look what you did to the world, you asshole. | ||
| You let this girl loose and think she's a cat. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's when you have a... | ||
| That's definitely a mental issue. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Uh-huh! | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Like Rachel Dolezal? | ||
| Yeah, she's one of my favorites. | ||
| Did you watch her documentary? | ||
| Oh, I'm obsessed with her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I couldn't. | |
| It was boring, right? | ||
| Was it just me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt sad. | |
| I didn't watch it. | ||
| I wanted to watch it. | ||
| It was just boring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt sad. | |
| She's going crazy. | ||
| She owes money. | ||
| She's in debt. | ||
| She's got kids. | ||
| I feel bad for the kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But who is this dude that she's with? | ||
| Who is this dude that she just had a baby not that long ago? | ||
| Some guy who likes pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| Y'all just get on my nerves. | ||
| We're all the same? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| How are we all the same? | ||
| Because you just have sex with anything. | ||
| Well, if it's anything or nothing... | ||
| That dude could have got it from somewhere else. | ||
| He didn't have to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could he have really? | |
| If he fucked her? | ||
| Could he have really? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Did he have the pick of the litter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he really? | |
| I know dudes who are unattractive, poor, sleeping on someone else's couch and they're still getting vagina. | ||
| So, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They must be good talkers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Women don't have standards anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do. | |
| I do. | ||
| Because my parents loved me. | ||
| How many times? | ||
| That's going to be the name of my first special. | ||
| Actually, no, the name of my first special is not going to be I'm a very busy man. | ||
| This book will not be that good because my parents loved me. | ||
| The special ain't gonna be funny because my parents loved me. | ||
| I just finished everything because my parents loved me. | ||
| But you are very funny, so that doesn't work. | ||
| But you know what you're not? | ||
| You're not crazy, ambitious to the point where you're willing to step, walk on people's backs. | ||
| I'm not a sociopath. | ||
| Cut people. | ||
| Because my parents loved me. | ||
| That's where that comes from. | ||
| You know, that narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy comes from some type of neglect or abuse in childhood. | ||
| Yes, I agree. | ||
| And this industry attracts a lot of that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, people attention starved and they just want fame. | ||
| So you have the people who... | ||
| There's two types of people in this industry. | ||
| You got the people who really just love the craft of it. | ||
| They really are great actors or great comics, writers. | ||
| And then you have the kind that just want to be famous, who don't give a crap about, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What it takes to actually, you know, hone that skill and become the best at that. | ||
| They just want fame. | ||
| And some of them pretend to be the other thing. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy people everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some of them, like, pretend to be comics. | ||
| Like, they pretend to be interested in the craft of comedy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| When it gets really weird? | ||
| When they become famous. | ||
| And then you see. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You see that they don't... | ||
| This is an actor. | ||
| They were acting like they were a comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're not really a comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But then we let them get stage time. | ||
| Well, it's not we. | ||
| You and I don't have anything to do with anybody getting stage time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| But it's frustrating. | ||
| So why did you get into it? | ||
| I believe my pain when I was a kid was just feeling like I didn't fit in. | ||
| Like out there when you were telling me, you're not black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, that was my pain, because I am black. | ||
| And so I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere. | ||
| Well, you are a certain percentage African-American. | ||
| Both of my parents are black. | ||
| So someone was white. | ||
| Well, yeah, no, somewhere along the line. | ||
| But there's mixes. | ||
| There's black, Native American, and there's white. | ||
| But yeah, if you saw my family, you'd be like, there's no white people in this family. | ||
| If you saw my family, you'd be like, somebody somewhere along the line fucked a chimp. | ||
| A chimp? | ||
| Somebody fucked a chimp. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Somebody when they shouldn't have. | ||
| You know, I think this is what I think about my family. | ||
| There's bestiality in your... | ||
| Just Italians in general. | ||
| I feel like, you know how people evolve from apes? | ||
| I don't believe that. | ||
| You don't believe that? | ||
| I think somewhere along the line, somebody went back when they shouldn't have. | ||
| Somebody went back. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| They were like, well, you know, it wasn't so bad when we were fucking these apes over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just get one last shot at that monkey. | |
| She wasn't talking back to me. | ||
| She never burned my meatloaf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gave her a banana, that's all she wanted. | |
| She would let me stick stuff wherever I wanted to stick stuff. | ||
| She was warm to cuddle with in the winter months. | ||
| Well, everyone's African. | ||
| Every single human, if you trace them all the way back. | ||
| That 23andMe shit, I just did it. | ||
| I don't know, I'm waiting. | ||
| I have to wait a couple more weeks. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| You sound scared. | ||
| Uh, nah. | ||
| What could it be? | ||
| I'm supposed to be mostly Italian and I have like a quarter Irish in me. | ||
| That's what it's supposed to be. | ||
| That sounds about right. | ||
| Let's see if anybody was sneaking around. | ||
| In my DNA. If maybe a German got in the mix, or an African, or a Moroccan, or who knows? | ||
| Who knows who got in the mix back in the day? | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| I don't think I'm going to do one of those. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
| If I find out I'm whiter than I am, I'll just walk into traffic. | ||
| Your skin's lighter than mine. | ||
| No, I know, but so what? | ||
| Okay, don't get defensive. | ||
| Jesus, Candace! | ||
| Settle down! | ||
| It's crazy because like you have like me and my sister, we were from the same parents, but she had a completely different childhood than me because no one ever questioned. | ||
| She never got her hair pulled by like darker skin black girls, whereas I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why did she not get her hair? | ||
| She's darker than me and her hair is kinkier. | ||
| So just she just came out different. | ||
| She came out brown. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| So that's where my pain came from. | ||
| I felt like I didn't fit in. | ||
| So you felt like... | ||
| So your comedy is sort of like you had a personality that was kind of compensating for not fitting in. | ||
| Yeah, I started being funny because I felt like that could distract people from... | ||
| I want them to like me and accept me. | ||
| So the one thing that everyone can agree on is that we like jokes and we like laughing. | ||
| So I became like a class clown and just would... | ||
| I was like, oh, people like me now and I don't have to worry about them wondering what I am and trying to put me in a box. | ||
| I was like, I'm the funny one. | ||
| That's all that matters. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| But my pain is not like, you know... | ||
| It's a mild pain. | ||
| It's a mild pain. | ||
| That's exactly how I describe it because a lot of comics are like, oh, I was molested by my father or somebody. | ||
| And it's like, oh, that's awful. | ||
| I'm sorry to hear that. | ||
| But that makes sense. | ||
| But yeah, people always come to me and they're like... | ||
| You're not addicted to anything. | ||
| You don't have any vices and you weren't touched by an uncle. | ||
| So why are you funny? | ||
| And I was like, well, that's why I got funny. | ||
| And again, it was mild. | ||
| When you first got on stage, were you working? | ||
| What were you doing for a living? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| First got on stage, I did have a day job. | ||
| At that time, I was working... | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I've had a few jobs. | ||
| At one point, I was working at Sylvan Learning Center. | ||
| And at one point, I was working at... | ||
| So you were doing tutoring? | ||
| I was a center director for Sylvan Learning Center at one point. | ||
| So I was in charge of that facility. | ||
| I was in Glendale, and I was also in Santa Clarita. | ||
| Yeah, but I was an assistant director at the Glendale, and I was a full-on center director at Santa Clarita. | ||
| But then after that, I also worked at a nail salon. | ||
| I worked at a Vietnamese nail salon for a minute at the front desk. | ||
| Yeah, I worked in Toluca Lake at a place called Oasis Nail Spa. | ||
| Shout out to all my Vietnamese nail technicians who still work there. | ||
| They were very nice. | ||
| It's right next to Bob's Big Boy. | ||
| I used to work there. | ||
| I actually met a lot of people working there because it's by the studio. | ||
| So like George Lopez would come in there. | ||
| George Lopez because his nails did? | ||
| His whole... | ||
| Well, when he was still married, him and his wife and his daughter would come in. | ||
| Yeah, so this was before... | ||
| And they would all get it done? | ||
|
unidentified
|
George would get his nails done? | |
| I think he would drop them off. | ||
| I think that's what it was. | ||
| But you know who did come in and get his nails done? | ||
| David Alan Greer with his wife at the time. | ||
| They have since split as well. | ||
| That's a bad luck salon, huh? | ||
| Everyone that comes in there is married, gets divorced. | ||
| I think it's just showbiz. | ||
| I don't think it has to do with a salon or a restaurant. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It's hard to be in a relationship. | ||
| You've managed to make it work. | ||
| It works. | ||
| You can make it work. | ||
| You can. | ||
| I think it just takes like... | ||
| But also, I think it's... | ||
| Depends on the type of people you are, too. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| Are your parents still together? | ||
| My stepfather and my mother are still together. | ||
| They've been together since I was a little kid. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's a successful relationship. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's one that started when I was five. | ||
| That's commitment. | ||
| But it works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're very friendly. | ||
| I mean, they're very happy with each other. | ||
| Very friendly to each other. | ||
| So I grew up around that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had a healthy relationship. | ||
| I saw a terrible relationship with my mother and my father. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| Very briefly. | ||
| Violent. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Dangerous. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Then left that. | ||
| And then when we moved in with my mother's parents, we lived there for a while and then we got an apartment. | ||
| After my mom had you know escaped from my dad and then when my mom met my stepdad It was a totally different relationship. | ||
| He's a hippie and he was like this really nice guy. | ||
| He's into crystals and stuff. | ||
| No, just he was just he was you know, he's an architect and he was just a different kind of guy. | ||
| Smoked pot, had long hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just different kind of person. | ||
| Do you ever wonder about like how you would like what your personality would be like now if your mom had stayed with your dad like longer? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that wouldn't have been good. | ||
| I would have been a dangerous person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I don't have a tendency towards violence because I'm not a violent person in terms of my actual actions, but I understand it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, it's there. | ||
| It's always there. | ||
| I just don't let it out of the box. | ||
| And that's why I got into fighting, and that's why... | ||
| So that you could vent. | ||
| Martial arts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That changed my life. | ||
| I think for every boy, especially every boy that grew up. | ||
| I mean, obviously, situations could have been way worse than mine. | ||
| Mine wasn't the worst. | ||
| Nobody beat me. | ||
| It wasn't terrible in terms of, like, I didn't get abused. | ||
| Saw it and I saw a lot of I saw plenty of violence So it's like I knew it was a thing and if I grew up around it would eventually start to affect me and I would have been a part of it right for sure and the problem is you mirror that you know like Guys who grow up with dads who beat their mom are way more likely to beat their wives or their girlfriends or you know Absolutely or maybe the opposite Maybe just hate it so much because you've seen it that you would never allow it right But I think | ||
| for young men, like having some sort of event, something, martial arts especially, because you could actually get out the violence where you purge it from your system. | ||
| You don't have to think about it anymore. | ||
| That's giant. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Because I have no idea what it's like to be a man. | ||
| You know, I don't. | ||
| I think I do have... | ||
| A decent amount of testosterone for a woman, because I was a tomboy when I was a little girl. | ||
| And I was never into dresses and stuff like that when I was younger. | ||
| I never envisioned getting married and having this huge wedding. | ||
| Those weren't my fantasies when I was a kid. | ||
| Whenever it was Halloween, I would dress up as a boy. | ||
| I would be like Count Dracula. | ||
| My sister would be a princess and I'd be like the Hulk. | ||
| So I've always been kind of like... | ||
| I've always gravitated towards a more masculine... | ||
| Even doing stand-up is a very masculine thing to do. | ||
| And maybe that's why I attract gay dudes, too. | ||
| But anyway, that's neither here nor there. | ||
| So is it hard? | ||
| Are you guys constantly... | ||
| Fighting the urge to be violent, because I don't know. | ||
| No, not constantly. | ||
| This is how I look at it. | ||
| This is kind of a weird way of looking at it, but this is the way I look at it. | ||
| I think that every man, every man who has a... | ||
| Functional endocrine system who has testosterone, has been involved in sports, who is fairly athletic. | ||
| There's violence in your head. | ||
| So if your head was a house, okay? | ||
| There's a room, there's a violence room. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And you can open up that door. | ||
| If that door gets opened, crazy shit can happen. | ||
| Most of the time that door is closed. | ||
| But the more fucked up things that happen in your life, the more your house gets rocked, the more your foundation gets fucked up, the more your joists start to creak and move left and right, and things are off-center and off-plum, then that door opens way easier. | ||
| That door is leaking. | ||
| That door is like, there's gaps. | ||
| Like, you know, the framing is not so good. | ||
| Yeah, the hinges are loose. | ||
| And so for someone who's been around a lot of violence, like people who grew up in terrible neighborhoods, been involved in gang violence, that kind of shit, that door is always ready to pop open. | ||
| It's just always ready to open. | ||
| Whereas someone who grew up, like my friend Todd, one of the nicest guys, super sweet guy, I couldn't imagine him beating anybody up. | ||
| Because he just was loved. | ||
| Like maybe even too much. | ||
| Like it's all love. | ||
| So his door is locked up tight. | ||
| He would need to get the key from his mom. | ||
| If he's gonna get in there. | ||
| Whereas I have other friends, but if you fucking, if you brush up against that door too much, yeah. | ||
| Like Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz, if you knock on that door when he's asleep, he'll fucking punch you in the head. | ||
| He'll punch you in the face. | ||
| There's violence ready to go. | ||
| And he doesn't do much, but if it happens, if the wrong thing happens, that door comes swinging open. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| We don't teach kids how to deal with their emotions properly. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| Did you see the Mr. Rogers documentary? | ||
| No. | ||
| So good. | ||
| There's only so many things you could see. | ||
| Well, you could take your kids to see this. | ||
| I'm in the middle of watching that wild, wild country show. | ||
| Oh, I've already seen that. | ||
| How good is that show? | ||
| I love cults. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love cults. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| Are all cults sex cults? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| If there's a dude involved... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a conversation... | |
| What the fuck's the point in having a cult if you don't get some pussy? | ||
| I don't think my cult would be a sex cult. | ||
| Because you're a girl. | ||
| Yeah, no, I know. | ||
| What would your cult be? | ||
| When was the last time a girl ran a cult, by the way? | ||
| You might be the first. | ||
| Well, the chick, she was kind of running that. | ||
| The Rajneesh Purim. | ||
| On her own, that bitch is lost, okay? | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But she was running stuff while she was there because that dude never left his room. | ||
| Yeah, but Sheila was only in power because of Homeboy. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Osho? | ||
| How do you say his name? | ||
| That's what he was called after. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't remember what... | ||
| Whatever his name is. | ||
| Without him and his... | ||
| He had the look. | ||
| You got to have that look. | ||
| You got to have the look of the holy man, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You got to have the crazy beard. | ||
| Yeah, and the dead eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you have to... | |
| Have to drive around in Bentleys and Rolls Royces. | ||
| That's what was crazy. | ||
| How many of these cars, these luxurious cars do you need? | ||
| Why do you need 22 of the same? | ||
| That's like, you have piss poor choices. | ||
| Yeah, no, I don't understand that at all. | ||
| What about try a Mercedes? | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| Try a Mercedes. | ||
| You know, you got Rolls Royce. | ||
| Get something different. | ||
| It's very suspicious. | ||
| And my question is, when they're going into a cult, do they know it's a cult? | ||
| Or do they think it's literally like a legit religious organization that they're just joining? | ||
| They think it's a legit movement. | ||
| You know, like, what is a cult, right? | ||
| Because Christianity is often, by scholars, referred to as a cult. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, there's certain documentaries on Christianity that refer to it as the cult of Christianity. | ||
| Like, what a cult is is a group of people that follow an ideology. | ||
| They follow a certain way and pattern of being. | ||
| So, these people are doing that exact same thing. | ||
| Until someone from, like, the fucking FBI starts calling it a cult, like, you don't... | ||
| You don't really... | ||
| They're not self-aware of what it is. | ||
| I think a red flag would be as if, like... | ||
| Because, you know, as if your leader is fucking. | ||
| You know, like, that's... | ||
| That, to me, is a red flag, because if you look at religious organizations in general, the one thing that's frowned upon in all of them is too much sex, or any sex, really, any type of promiscuity. | ||
| And that's, I think, across the board with religions, just in general. | ||
| None of them are like, this is good. | ||
| They're like, you should have sex to procreate, and that's it, with the person that you're married to. | ||
| But with that, where they're like, this group sex, I think we might be in a cult. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, that's a huge red flag. | ||
| Yeah, as soon as the dude starts fucking everybody's wives. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, wait a second. | ||
| How come he gets to fuck my wife? | ||
| Well, he's got a direct line to Jesus, bro. | ||
| Like, oh, okay. | ||
| Alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I wouldn't trust that. | ||
| That is the thing though, but that's the thing with men. | ||
| Like men, when they get into power, anytime a man runs a giant organization, has all these followers, and he gets to stand onto a stage out in this grassy field filled with people who are bowing to him, that guy's going to get his dick sucked. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| He's like, he's got beads on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everybody's like, Osho! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Osho! | |
| Yes, come for a ride in my Rolls Royce. | ||
| Women throwing their panties at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can drive Rolls Royce number 17. Come on for a ride. | |
| So do you trust like Joel Osteen? | ||
| Trust him in what way? | ||
| Do you think he's like a man of his word? | ||
| I lent him a thousand dollars. | ||
| You're telling me he's not trusted? | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| I was like, oh shit. | ||
| No, I wouldn't lend that guy any money. | ||
| That guy's rich as fuck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was like, he had a Kickstarter? | ||
| Well, he is absolutely an evangelist. | ||
| Because he's in that celebrity level. | ||
| He's an evangelist. | ||
| He's on TV. He's a shyster. | ||
| They're all shysters. | ||
| That's what they are. | ||
| He dresses real nice, he talks about Jesus, and he gets people excited, and they give him their money. | ||
| They give him their money. | ||
| That's what he wants, and he's got fucking millions of it. | ||
| You think he's getting panties thrown at him? | ||
| Didn't he just get divorced? | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Did he get divorced? | ||
| Google that. | ||
| He's probably getting some serious God-loving pussy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's got a direct line to go, Jesus said. | |
| So blasphemous. | ||
| Tell me what Job said. | ||
| I'll tell you what Job said, baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get over here. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that blasphemous? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's like, he's a leader. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| As long as it's obvious, like, is a con bad if it's real obvious? | ||
| To his followers, he's not a con, though. | ||
| To us, it's like, duh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But like you were talking about with the cults, when you're in it, it's like, I don't think they can see it. | ||
| But like Jim Baker. | ||
| Like people that follow Jim Baker. | ||
| That's a throwback. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's still around. | ||
| Selling food for people that are scared the world's gonna end. | ||
| He sells buckets of food. | ||
| Tammy Faye died, right? | ||
| She died. | ||
| She died. | ||
| Poor Tammy Faye. | ||
| Long-suffering Tammy Faye. | ||
| She died from Diet Coke. | ||
| Diet Coke did her in. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| That's what they think. | ||
| She drank too much? | ||
| She drank it all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every day. | |
| Well, that stuff's addictive. | ||
| It is addictive. | ||
| There's something there. | ||
| There have been studies that have proven that whatever that artificial sweetener is that they put in there, it causes you. | ||
| You know what else is addictive? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Jesus? | ||
| And Jim Baker's dick. | ||
| Both those things are addictive. | ||
| Jim Baker was a perfect example, though. | ||
| If you're so fucking stupid, you buy into that guy's shit, you deserve to lose all of it. | ||
| I don't remember his stuff. | ||
| I remember them. | ||
| I remember growing up and watching sketches on Mad TV or whatever, where they would be making fun of... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you remember Robert Tilden? | ||
| He's the guy that had his hair slicked back. | ||
| He's another late night guy. | ||
| He would talk in tongues. | ||
| He'd be on TV. The Lord is moving me to speech. | ||
| He would speak in tongues. | ||
| This is one thing he said. | ||
| I was listening to it. | ||
| I started fucking crying laughing. | ||
| He said, every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye. | ||
| No, he didn't say that. | ||
| Every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like that kind of shit. | |
| That shit should totally be legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're so stupid, you're like, holy Satan, I smite thee. | |
| And you pull out your checkbook. | ||
| I smite you, Satan. | ||
| You are fixing to get a shiner. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's got a speaking tongues here. | ||
| I don't remember this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I shouldn't have said that. | |
| Hilarious. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| I'm the devil. | ||
| I shouldn't have said that. | ||
| Satan. | ||
| It's a lie of the devil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I shouldn't have said that. | |
| What is that? | ||
| That's just him. | ||
| He speaks in like tongues. | ||
| Is he really old looking now? | ||
| Was that him? | ||
| Is that him there? | ||
| Time's such a cruel bitch. | ||
| Even Robert Tilden went down with all his money. | ||
| But he's still alive, huh? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you woofing? | ||
| He's old as fuck now? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Is that what he looks like? | ||
| That's him? | ||
| That can't be the same guy. | ||
| That's not him. | ||
| It is him. | ||
| That wasn't even that long ago. | ||
| Wasn't that like... | ||
| What happened? | ||
| The 90s from when that video... | ||
| Boy, all that whiskey and pussy and coke. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He looks... | ||
| Just doing coke for Jesus. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| We done! | ||
| We wrapped! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We wrapped! | |
| Gold underwear! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| He looks so untrustworthy. | ||
| Jumps in a private jet. | ||
| 15 hookers in there waiting for him. | ||
| As soon as he touches down, they shoot the hookers. | ||
| You know too much! | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Did they remix it? | ||
| Yeah, it's a remix of him speaking in tongues. | ||
| I miss remix. | ||
| Why aren't they remixing stuff anymore? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Remember like the bedroom intruder? | ||
| Yeah, I was just gonna say. | ||
| They're not doing that anymore. | ||
| I met that guy. | ||
| I met that guy. | ||
| He came to a UFC. Shut up. | ||
| He got paid, right? | ||
| Didn't he get paid? | ||
| They made like a million dollars off that song. | ||
| Yeah, he made some money. | ||
| Yeah, he made some money and Dana White brought him to a UFC. Because he was gay, right? | ||
| And then went to church and said he wasn't gay anymore. | ||
| Yeah, he was ashamed of being gay. | ||
| It was very sad because he was saying that he was ashamed of being gay and that the church was going to pray the gay away. | ||
| It was one of them deals. | ||
| That to me makes me so sad. | ||
| It does. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And this idea that you could change someone from being gay is so fucking stupid. | ||
| It's like, just be gay, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just be gay. | |
| You're gay. | ||
| It's all right. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| You just need better people around you to tell you you're okay. | ||
| To tell you that they love you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that it's okay to be gay. | ||
| And just find other gay people. | ||
| And you're like, oh, you're like me. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| You guys are going to be fine. | ||
| All you need to do is move to Atlanta. | ||
| Or anywhere else where there's gay people. | ||
| L.A. You know, find a gay scene. | ||
| They still be in the closet out here, too. | ||
| There's a lot of people in the closet out here. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And I don't get it. | ||
| There's people in show business that I know that are in the closet. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm like, man, get out of that goddamn closet. | ||
| You have a new fan base. | ||
| A whole new fan base. | ||
| And then when you meet guys like Todd Glass, who did get out of the closet, who's so much happier now. | ||
| He's like, it's just a giant burden relieved off my back. | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Be yourself, man. | ||
| And, you know, plus, the stigma is so... | ||
| It's bad for everybody. | ||
| It's bad for gay people. | ||
| It's bad for straight people because it's even bad for people who are homophobes because they don't realize how many people are really gay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And if they did, they would probably be like, oh, maybe this is normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it is normal. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| From the beginning of time. | ||
| It's no different than having blue eyes or black hair or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Animals are gay. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Trust me, my dog's gay as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, he licks my other dog's dick. | ||
| Every time my... | ||
| Poor Marshall. | ||
| I'm throwing him under the bus. | ||
| Maybe Marshall's into it. | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| Well, Johnny Cash, my Mastiff, he'll take a leak. | ||
| Marshall will come over and lick his dick right after he takes a leak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, Marshall, get the fuck away from his dick, man. | |
| Stop doing that, dude. | ||
| So depressing. | ||
| Gets right up in there instantly. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| How many dogs do you have? | ||
| Three. | ||
| Two of them are on death's door, though. | ||
| They're very, very old. | ||
| They're ready to go. | ||
| Would you recommend getting a dog? | ||
| I love dogs. | ||
| I love them, too. | ||
| I've never not had dogs. | ||
| It's just a lot of work, I know. | ||
| I've had dogs since I had enough money to have dogs. | ||
| The moment when I moved to LA and I had a sitcom, I'm like, okay, I can pay my rent, I'm getting a dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love dogs. | ||
| I just want to make sure that I'd be able to have, like, I don't want to have to burden somebody when I go out of town. | ||
| Well, they have dog sitter places. | ||
| They have places where you can go that are really good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They'll even train your dog while they have them. | ||
| I want one so bad. | ||
| Get a dog, girl. | ||
| I want one. | ||
| You look like you'd have a dog. | ||
| You look like you'd have a good dog. | ||
| You told me I had... | ||
| First of all, when I came here, you said, I look like I have a kid. | ||
| No, I thought you had a kid. | ||
| You know why I said it? | ||
| I think somebody brought it up. | ||
| Somebody said, Candace has a child. | ||
| I think someone said it was probably some girl hated on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| Throwing you under the bus. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| She's like, Candace has a kid at home. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Like it's something I should be ashamed of? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even know where I got it from, but somebody brought it up. | |
| That's why I asked you. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you have a kid? | ||
| I think you'd be very good at taking care of a dog. | ||
| What kind of dog would you get? | ||
| I like really small or really big. | ||
| But my place that I have, I have a nice size place, but I still would like to have property if I have a big dog. | ||
| So I would probably want a smaller one just for the sake of, you know, it's limited. | ||
| So I really do like pugs. | ||
| Are you friends with Whitney Cummings? | ||
| I'm not friends with her. | ||
| We've met, but I can't say we're friends. | ||
| Talk to her about dogs. | ||
| She's got a shitload of them. | ||
| That bitch has a horse. | ||
| Yeah, she's got a horse. | ||
| Well, wait, what do you mean she has, like, that... | ||
| She owns a horse. | ||
| No, I get the horse part. | ||
| But you said she has dogs. | ||
| Like, she would give me a dog? | ||
| No! | ||
| Look, she's... | ||
| I go to her... | ||
| I can take one of hers? | ||
| She's very smart. | ||
| And I go to her, talk to her about dog questions. | ||
| She gives you dog advice. | ||
| Oh, okay, I see what you're saying. | ||
| Like, how to deal with dogs. | ||
| Like, you know what she said? | ||
| She goes, first of all, she talks to you like this. | ||
| She goes, first of all... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm in charge of my house. | ||
| She goes, I don't walk around my dogs. | ||
| I walk through them. | ||
| She goes, I'm the alpha. | ||
| She goes, they don't get to get on top of me. | ||
| They don't climb on top of me. | ||
| They don't kiss my face. | ||
| She goes, I'm in control. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| I don't want dogs in my bed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't have to have that. | ||
| Yeah, no, but I know so many people think I'm weird because I wouldn't want my dog in my bed. | ||
| There's Whitney's dogs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Here she loves pits. | ||
| Yeah, she does. | ||
| Pits are great. | ||
| That's adorable. | ||
| Look at the one with the bow tie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Adorable. | |
| That's a cute little tiny one too. | ||
| What is that little one? | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bulldog. | |
| Aww, little bulldog. | ||
| Yeah, I like bulldogs. | ||
| I like French bulldogs. | ||
| But I'm also one of those ones that like those little tiny ones that probably annoy you. | ||
| I like Yorkies. | ||
| No, I like little dogs too. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I like Yorkies. | ||
| I like Pomeranians. | ||
| I just like dogs. | ||
| In general? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only dogs I feel bad for are those bulldogs with those fat faces. | ||
| They can't walk and they can't breathe. | ||
| Pugs are like that too. | ||
| They have nasal problems. | ||
| But they're so cute. | ||
| What the fuck did you do to this goddamn dog? | ||
| Yeah, they look like I got punched in the face. | ||
| But they're so cute. | ||
| It's depressing. | ||
| It's from all the breeding, right? | ||
| Isn't that how they've got like, yeah. | ||
| Well, they've made them that way on purpose because they want their face to be flattened out. | ||
| So they've bred for that characteristic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get a dog, get a man. | ||
| Candice? | ||
| No, I'm not getting both. | ||
| No? | ||
| So if you get a man, then you get rid of the dog? | ||
| Getting the dog is more realistic for me than getting a man. | ||
| Well, if you get a dog, and then you have a man, you go, well, this is one too many things. | ||
| I've got to kill this dog. | ||
| Ew, I would kill the man first. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's dark. | ||
| Alright, Candice, we've got to wrap this up. | ||
| Anything else to say to the people? | ||
| Their first introduction to you? | ||
| On my first introduction? | ||
| I think this went well. | ||
| I think it went very well. | ||
| We're getting to know one another. | ||
| We talked about doing this for a while. | ||
| I'm glad we finally did it. | ||
| We did make it happen. | ||
| Now you're going to come and do my podcast, huh? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And Candice, when are you at the Comedy Store? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When are you on the tour? | ||
| Where can people go see you stand up? | ||
| Just go to CandiceThompsonComedy.com. | ||
| I post all my dates. | ||
| I'm going to do JFL this year in Montreal. | ||
| Just for laughs. | ||
| If anyone's going to be in Canada. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| I believe on the 26th of July. | ||
| 26th, 27th, 28th. | ||
| Are you doing the gala? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The gala? | |
| Oh, no, I don't think I am. | ||
| That's the TV thing that they do, the giant. | ||
| Yeah, no, I don't. | ||
| It's very big in Montreal. | ||
| Yeah, no, I don't think I'm doing that. | ||
| Je parle français un peu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Candace. | ||
| So yeah, CandaceThompsonComedy.com and Jokes by Candace on Twitter and Instagram. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Candace, thank you. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| Yay. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| Thanks, Rogan. |
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