Oct. 12, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:00:10
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I just do a podcast say, I sound like Joe Rogan, but I'm not. | ||
| Just totally same voice, everything. | ||
| Hello, everybody. | ||
| I'm live here with super yogi Burt Kreischer, newly sober athlete, resting heart rate of 47? | ||
| 47. That's pretty crazy, man. | ||
| I called my cardiologist right after I talked to you guys. | ||
| Am I dying? | ||
| I literally was like, hey, Joe Rogan said I'm dying. | ||
| And he's like, first of all, he's like, I respect Joe Rogan, but please don't listen to him about your blood pressure medicine. | ||
| But I read somewhere that blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medicine lowers your heart rate. | ||
| Yes, those are beta blockers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not on that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| By the way, I spiraled out, and I couldn't get my heart rate up as I was spiraling. | ||
| So I was like, I'm freaking out normally. | ||
| My heart pulse would be through the roof. | ||
| I called my doctor. | ||
| He's like, no, you're healthy. | ||
| He's like, this is what we've been shooting for, is you to stop drinking. | ||
| So he's like, let's just do what you're doing. | ||
| He's like, have a good time with it. | ||
| And so... | ||
| But yeah, my resting heart rate's low. | ||
| I've never felt better in my fucking life to be dead serious with you. | ||
| How many days in are you? | ||
| 12 days, right? | ||
| We're 12 days in? | ||
| Say the 12th? | ||
| I'm one day ahead of that because I quit the day before. | ||
| I quit the day before because I listened to you guys and all the fucking armchair doctors who were like, Bert, you're gonna die. | ||
| You need to be medically induced into a coma. | ||
| Well, you were telling us that you were drinking six doubles a day. | ||
| By the way, I talk out of my ass when I'm drunk, so I don't know how much I was really drinking, because I was definitely terrified. | ||
| I was definitely terrified coming into the home stretch of getting sober, because I was like, man, am I going to die? | ||
| And I talked to Dr. Drew about it, and I was like, hey, can I die and stuff? | ||
| And he was like, well, you can have seizures. | ||
| Dr. Drew doesn't fucking help. | ||
| But I stopped drinking. | ||
| I didn't even have withdrawals. | ||
| It just felt good the next day. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's what killed Amy Winehouse, you know. | ||
| I've Googled all this shit. | ||
| But I think Amy Winehouse was just over the top. | ||
| You've got to be, the second you wake up, till the second you pass out drinking. | ||
| And by the way, on that Australian tour, there were hints of that. | ||
| I was flying and performing every night. | ||
| And I drank on planes. | ||
| I hadn't flown sober at that time. | ||
| But I've always been very measured with my booze, so I wasn't going nuts. | ||
| Did you feel good when you're doing that? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| How did you feel when you're drinking and flying? | ||
| You felt bad? | ||
| I actually felt really bad. | ||
| And I think we all tweeted this, but I was like, I was ready for this fucking month. | ||
| After that Australian tour, I was definitely ready. | ||
| That's a great way to go into not drinking, is fly to Australia, do a tour for two weeks, and then fly back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, fucking bring it, dude. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I don't drink that much, but I feel way better, too. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's like I would have maybe a shot before I go on stage some nights, but some nights not. | ||
| And then, you know, maybe someone go, you want a beer? | ||
| Yeah, I'll have a beer. | ||
| And they have one or two. | ||
| And then maybe I'd have a glass of wine with dinner. | ||
| So, you know, on a regular Friday night, I might have four drinks. | ||
| And now nothing for 12 days and no pot. | ||
| I went off the pot too. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because Ari was giving me such a hard time. | ||
|
unidentified
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You can't even quit. | |
| Can't even quit pot. | ||
| You're an addict. | ||
| That's what addicts say. | ||
| And I was like, all right. | ||
| I told Tommy, I was like, I'm just going to quit and not tell them. | ||
| And then break it at the end of the month. | ||
| Like, it's easy. | ||
| The pot's been easy. | ||
| But the dreams have been different. | ||
| It is really interesting. | ||
| When you don't smoke pot, your dreams like wrap up. | ||
| It makes me think, like, what... | ||
| No, honestly, like, just completely objectively. | ||
| I mean, like, death can't be good to not be dreaming. | ||
| Like, probably something happening. | ||
| I was... | ||
| My first few days of not drinking, I couldn't get out of lucid dreaming. | ||
| And I was having intense lucid dreams, where I was well aware I was asleep, but I knew that if I could just... | ||
| But I knew that I was dreaming. | ||
| And I was like, don't get out of this, you're having fun. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, but dreaming has been intense. | ||
| By the way, really my favorite thing is just sleeping good. | ||
| Like I'm waking up at 6 in the morning and going like... | ||
| Feel good. | ||
| Oh, that and man... | ||
| And by the way, I know that you're like, Bert, are you like a fucking uber fan of podcasters? | ||
| There's like a lot of people I have been introduced to through your podcast. | ||
| And like, Brandon Shaw is one of my favorite people. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| And he gets coffee all the time. | ||
| Now, I look at that, that gives me panic. | ||
| When I see him get a coffee for the past year, I've been like, dude, how the fuck is he doing that? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| When I drink, I can't drink coffee because I start shaking. | ||
| I get way too blood sugary, like... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just regular coffee? | ||
| I haven't had coffee. | ||
| I haven't had like a cup of coffee in probably like, maybe like eight months. | ||
| Now, what is it about coffee? | ||
| Do you put something in coffee? | ||
| No, it's just coffee. | ||
| Just black coffee? | ||
| Yeah, because my blood sugar is low from drinking. | ||
| I didn't sleep well. | ||
| I have a cup of coffee. | ||
| And then I would be like, how does Brendan take naps in the middle of the day? | ||
| I couldn't understand that. | ||
| Dude, I enjoy getting up and going to Starbucks and getting a coffee more than I ever enjoyed going to a bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It is, I get up and I feel like I'm part of the community. | ||
| I like, say hi to people. | ||
| We landed from that first sober flight I took, and I know that I'm going to sound like a child. | ||
| When we landed, it was me and Brendan Walsh was on my flight. | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| Just randomly? | ||
| He randomly was on my flight. | ||
| I'd talked to him through text the night before, and I was like, dude, I'll see you on the plane. | ||
| We got to LAX and he was like, yeah, I'm hitting up Sober October with you. | ||
| I'm not going to drink either. | ||
| And I was like, awesome, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I said this, and I've never said this. | ||
| I go, hey, do you want to get a cup of coffee? | ||
| And he was like, sure. | ||
| We both got coffees at like 10 in the morning at the airport. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I got a whole day ahead of me. | ||
| Like, I got coffee in me. | ||
| Like, dude, I had the funnest Sunday I've ever had. | ||
| When I got home that night, I was like, I won't be able to sleep. | ||
| I had a cup of coffee. | ||
| I went right to sleep. | ||
| Are you worried that... | ||
| Right now, you're in this really great place, right? | ||
| You're healthy, you're feeling good, you're sleeping good, but are you thinking that this is just a vacation from your other life, or are you changing your life? | ||
| My therapist, when this started, he said, do not do this challenge. | ||
| I think it's a really bad idea. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| What kind of asshole therapist do you have? | ||
| I've heard this... | ||
| Christina was mad at him yesterday. | ||
| At my therapist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck is this therapist telling him to... | ||
| Because she's got a good therapist that she really likes. | ||
| But I just don't... | ||
| Maybe your therapist doesn't trust you? | ||
| No, he said to me at one point... | ||
| He goes, so how are you feeling? | ||
| I said, good. | ||
| I'm not having any epiphany. | ||
| I wish I had an epiphany. | ||
| I don't have an epiphany. | ||
| I'm just enjoying it. | ||
| I'm really having a good time. | ||
| I was like, I don't know how I'm going to get back into drinking. | ||
| And he's like, that's why you shouldn't have done this. | ||
| If you want to quit drinking, you should have just done it for yourself. | ||
| You shouldn't have done it out of spite for Tom, Ari, and Joe... | ||
| Yeah, but it's not spite. | ||
| It's a fun little challenge. | ||
| Like, look, I don't want to do 15 fucking yoga classes in a month. | ||
| I'm loving yoga. | ||
| But we're doing it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| But do you really want to have an obligation to have to do, you know, three a week? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you do it? | ||
| Are you really enjoying it? | ||
| Dude, I can only work in those parameters. | ||
| I can only work to the extremes. | ||
| Like, when we said no pot, no booze, I was like, I'm cool, because I'm not going to smoke pot if I'm not drinking booze. | ||
| I'm a teetotaler. | ||
| Like, I... I take things to an extreme because that's the way I can help compartmentalize things. | ||
| But I think my question was, like, at the end of this month, when November 1st rolls around, are you gonna just go get fucked up? | ||
| Well, obviously, yeah. | ||
| I'm going to be with Ari in New Orleans. | ||
| What are you guys doing in New Orleans? | ||
| We're doing the Impracticals. | ||
| I'm going on a cruise November 1st. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| With Ari, Big J, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sarah Tiana. | ||
| We're all going to be on the cruise with the Impractical Jokers. | ||
| Those Impractical Jokers guys are killing it. | ||
| Dude, they did the Greek. | ||
| I saw. | ||
| 6,000 people. | ||
| Fucking insane mobbed and I would love to have sat in the front row where they sat me and shit on their show But I can't man I would love as a comic to be like I'm better than this the men they forget up there and they have such great chemistry and they're Showing like inside clips and it's just a multimedia event. | ||
| Oh, so it's not like stand-up It's like a bunch of different stuff that they do like they show like Pranks they play on people? | ||
| No, they show more pictures from their childhood. | ||
| Because they've known each other forever. | ||
| Then when they were younger, they tell stories about them traveling together. | ||
| It actually is really a great show. | ||
| Imagine if Miu and Ari and Tom did a show at the store and we talked about Sober October. | ||
| Tom and I would have a bunch of stuff very quickly that we could talk about our hot yoga classes and Ari and all our texts. | ||
| One of my favorite things ever is when the eve of Sober October... | ||
| Ari's such a cunt. | ||
| He puts out all our texts privately that we haven't been sharing with you on Instagram. | ||
| And Tom goes, tell me that isn't giving you panic right now. | ||
| Because I don't know what I've said. | ||
| We've all been like, Joe's not quitting weed. | ||
| And then Ari managed this coup d'etat against you for pray for Joe. | ||
| Ari, look, I know Ari gets a lot of shit online and everyone's fucking with Ari, but I will tell you, this has been exponentially fun because of his involvement, because this is right in his little swing zone. | ||
| When you said, I'm not quitting weed, Ari then branched off to me and Tom. | ||
| He's like, gentlemen, get ready for the assault on Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And both Tom and I were like, I don't think that's a good idea. | |
| And Ari's like, no, it's happening. | ||
| I want you to get your comments ready. | ||
| I want them to send in. | ||
| We're going to workshop each other's comments. | ||
| I want you to be the first comments on this video that I post on this thing saying Joe's not taking part of Sober October. | ||
| So we're all sending it. | ||
| Tom, I love Tom to death. | ||
| He's such a cuck. | ||
| His first draft, Ari's like, this will not be working. | ||
| It's too pleasant to Joe. | ||
| Bert and I will rewrite this for you. | ||
| Well, Ari has been... | ||
| I think he's handling this the least. | ||
| He's struggling. | ||
| He's saying, this is harder for me than any of you, and I'm like, I think he's being serious. | ||
| I think he likes the marijuana for self-medication. | ||
| He does, and you know, he has set his life up, and I think if anyone looks at Ari from the outside in, he's setting his life up for him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a nice piece of cake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great apartment in East Village. | ||
| He's got all his friends. | ||
| They all go out every night. | ||
| And he's one of the funnest guys if you ever go to New York to just call him up and go, what's the plan for today? | ||
| And he's like, I don't know. | ||
| Let's get lost. | ||
| Let's go find some lobster somewhere. | ||
| But he's taking it seriously. | ||
| He got mad the other day when I was fucking with him and I sent that text saying that I listened to your podcast, Ari, and it seems you haven't been doing all the poses. | ||
| But good news is there's still plenty of days in the month to make up for the 15 different hot yoga classes. | ||
| And he took it seriously and got fucking super mad. | ||
| That struck panic in me. | ||
| If you had told me, hey, Bert, those ones don't count, but you can start over. | ||
| You still have 15 days. | ||
| I would have been like, fuck off. | ||
|
unidentified
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Dude. | |
| I was only fucking with them. | ||
| And then my second, I had a two-wing attack. | ||
| That was the first level. | ||
| And the second level was like, look, just go to classes and whatever things that you didn't do from the other classes, you can just redo them on the honor system. | ||
| We don't have to do the whole class. | ||
| Just stand around, like, I was totally fucking with him, but he took it seriously. | ||
| He's also by himself in this, I feel like. | ||
| Like, he's in New York. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like... | ||
| Well, text messages are weird, man. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| It's not a good way to fuck with people. | ||
| Because, you know, you look at it, is this motherfucker serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you, like, look at it and go, no, listen, asshole, we're all professional comedians, and you're the rudest one out of all of us. | ||
| He said he hoped you Ralphied. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I didn't understand the context. | ||
| I go, I hope you're Ralphie too? | ||
| And he was like, no, I hope you're Ralphie. | ||
| And I was like, oh, you want me to die? | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| Oh, fuck, Ari! | ||
| He is the most flame-throwing, burn-the-bridge-down kind of guy. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| But I think that one of the things that stinks, and I wish this had been part of the bet, I wish it had stayed in. | ||
| I wish you had gotten him that yellow Corvette. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I wish that he had stayed in L.A. this entire month and been able to have been a part of it, because there is a communal... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like today, you're like, hey, podcast at 1.30, you want to go to yoga at 10.30? | ||
| And I was like, fuck, I've got a meeting at 10. But I would have loved that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I love Tom will text me and go... | ||
| It's the fun littleness of this competition. | ||
| Tom's like, hey, I can only go to 4.30. | ||
| Are you going to 12.30? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah. | ||
| And then Tom will be like, well, Bert's a no-show. | ||
| I'm like, asshole. | ||
| Everyone look at the distilleries, the donut factories. | ||
| The video was hilarious. | ||
| Check all the hamburger joints. | ||
| He is, by the way. | ||
| Everyone's having fun fucking with each other, but honestly, I think Ari's taking it seriously. | ||
| All that pray for Joe, Joe's a weed addict, didn't bother me. | ||
| I thought it was funny. | ||
| I was laughing. | ||
| I reposted a lot of it. | ||
| Oh, that was the biggest... | ||
| Dude, I went on stage in D.C. that first night, and people were like, we should take a moment of silence. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, let's take a moment of silence. | ||
| Everyone bowed their head and we prayed for you. | ||
| It was so much fucking fun. | ||
| Meanwhile, not smoking weed for 11 days is one of the fucking easiest things I've ever done in my life. | ||
| It's not hard at all. | ||
| I just don't smoke pot. | ||
| It's not like, wow, how will I go on? | ||
| I've been having some great sets. | ||
| Sets have been fun. | ||
| I've done probably in the 12 nights, I've probably done like 8 or 9 sets. | ||
| Those are the most sets I've done no weed ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, like since I started smoking pot like 20 years ago. | ||
| For real. | ||
| I did spots at the store the other night, and I had great, I had stone sober. | ||
| And you know what's so funny is I have a lot of apologies to issue on this podcast. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| There's a lot of things that I said when we were drinking that I then did and went, oh, I guess I was a little wrong about that. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Like, number one is I don't drink on stage. | ||
| Like, I didn't realize that there's a difference between not drinking on stage and having a drink with you on stage. | ||
| There's a little bit of a comfort level knowing I can kill this drink and I don't have to deal with this. | ||
| Like, and that first night, that Saturday night, I went on with no booze for both shows. | ||
| And on that late show, I was like, oh, I could use a cocktail. | ||
| And I definitely drink on stage. | ||
| Like, I was like, I wouldn't mind a cocktail right now. | ||
| So you were thinking before that you didn't drink on stage? | ||
| I say, I go, and it's the truth is I don't mind performing sober. | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| But I would say, like, if you had said, so do you get drunk on stage? | ||
| I'd be like, no, never. | ||
| But I definitely bring drinks on stage with me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, if you had a breathalyzer test, like, if being on stage was driving, would you get arrested? | ||
| Uh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you drink on stage? | ||
| Yeah, I definitely drink on stage. | ||
| That's number one apology issued. | ||
| Number two is treadmills are not real running. | ||
| No. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| Dude, you gotta come do my course. | ||
| Do the course I do with me. | ||
| It's fucking ruthless. | ||
| Running hills. | ||
| That's where it's at, man. | ||
| Dude, let's just say I run on the treadmill all the time, and I can easily run under a 10-minute mile. | ||
| I go on the road and my first Set of miles was like 12 minute miles and I was I was in pain Yeah, and I was like whoa This is not the same and then I got to a 10 minute miles like that feels like a fucking sprint But you know you can get do we show you those treadmills that are like running? | ||
| They're really expensive. | ||
| Yeah, I thought about getting one But so what I do now is I'm doing maybe work out some sort of deal with them What are who are they some sponsors go to rogue rogue athletics? | ||
| They're the guys who made the reverse hyper machine that we have in the back. | ||
| And I'm actually... | ||
| It's called Trueform. | ||
| Yeah, pull this shit out so we can see what it looks like. | ||
| But this thing is different because... | ||
| You're actually pushing your own body weight. | ||
| There's no machine behind it. | ||
| It's just got friction to it, and it's got like a slope. | ||
| And you run up on it, and it really is like the closest thing to running. | ||
| I still think actual running is better, but that is a very close second. | ||
| According to, wow, $5,000. | ||
| They're really expensive. | ||
| Trueform hit me up. | ||
| Why is it so expensive? | ||
| They hit you up? | ||
| No, I'm saying, hey, Trueform, hit me up. | ||
| Yeah, hey, True Farm, we'll fucking do a free ad. | ||
| We're doing a free ad for you right now, you fucks. | ||
| I don't know who can afford that. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| Well, some people can. | ||
| You know, I mean, for sure, some people would be willing. | ||
| If you had to have one piece of equipment in your house, you know, and you... | ||
| Budgeted it out. | ||
| 5,000 bucks is probably worth it if you could actually use it and get in great shape with it. | ||
| But I really feel like the best way to do it is to just go outside. | ||
| I mean, I think especially if you can go somewhere where there's like a dirt trail and like a lake to look at. | ||
| It makes it more interesting. | ||
| It's been one of the cool things about not drinking and getting out and doing road work. | ||
| My wife calls it source energy, of getting out there and going like, oh, it's fucking beautiful. | ||
| Life is really beautiful. | ||
| I go to the park where Joe used to live right by this park. | ||
| I used to go there all the time and see Joey. | ||
| And I go to this park, every morning we go, my wife will walk it, and I run it. | ||
| And I'm loving it. | ||
| So what I'm doing is I'm doing road work probably three times a week, and then twice a week I get on the treadmill just because I'm terrified of injury and then not being able to run. | ||
| And I'm trying to run five days a week. | ||
| You worried about like plantar or something? | ||
| You had that for a while, didn't you? | ||
| I have plantar fasciitis, and it's terrifying. | ||
| That and shin splints are my fears. | ||
| Do you get it in the middle of your foot? | ||
| Like where are you getting that? | ||
| Like if this is your foot, like right towards the heel. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah? | |
| Yeah, and then sometimes it'll happen inside the heel and you'll feel it like when your heel touches the ground it feels like glass. | ||
| When you first started doing yoga, were you noticing rather that your foot was like unstable and that it hurts your feet to try to balance on one foot and do the poses? | ||
| I did not notice that per se. | ||
| I did notice that. | ||
| What I noticed, the one thing that is the reason I will continue doing hot yoga was Or yoga in general maybe, but probably hot yoga because I like to sweat, is my feet are stronger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, we're a lot stronger. | ||
| Like, I was going to say to Bobby Kelly, I was going to text him and go, hey man, you should start going to hot yoga because he has the same problem with plantar fasciitis that I do. | ||
| And go, it really has strengthened my feet. | ||
| And when I run now, I have no pain in my feet. | ||
| Yeah, it makes a big difference. | ||
| Is Bobby still heavy? | ||
| Yeah, he's going on a diet. | ||
| I was going to say to Skura, we should fat shame him and get him healthy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not that close to them. | ||
| I can't fuck with them. | ||
| I can fuck with you guys. | ||
| You gotta know who you can fuck with and who's gonna take it seriously. | ||
| Like, I feel like I can't fuck with Ari anymore. | ||
| Like, he takes it seriously. | ||
| He just needs to get over the hump of hot yoga. | ||
| He needs to get high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He needs a little weed and a hug. | ||
| He might need a little weed. | ||
| We love you, Ari. | ||
| Yeah, I love you, Ari. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| We're fucking with you. | ||
| But he took it to heart, I think, when all the Ari's a welcher shit, when people were getting mad at him and attacking him online. | ||
| When people find a little sore spot or a little area where they can attack you, they go after you. | ||
| They don't understand how many people were going after you guys. | ||
| When you were doing Tom is Fat and Bert is Fat, you guys were going after each other for a joke, but people were jumping in for serious. | ||
| Oh, people say really hateful things. | ||
| There's a website that some guy has, I guess he believes it's a comedy website, but it just says really nasty things about me. | ||
| And then he's like, this website's for savages! | ||
| Savagery only! | ||
| And I'm like, hey man, I'm a professional comedian. | ||
| I know the funniest people in the world. | ||
| Those aren't really great jokes. | ||
| They're really like, Bert's children will die alone. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm like, oh cool man, thanks. | |
| Like that was the one thing was like, I don't know, but also you got to realize that these people, a lot of these people that are throwing in their Molotov cocktails in the party, they don't They, like, they just want to get a response. | ||
| They just want to hurt you so that you can respond. | ||
| Like, that's the one thing that I will say, like, Ari's been pretty visible on my Instagram comments. | ||
| Like, he's going right back at people. | ||
|
unidentified
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Fuck you! | |
| I'm not a welter! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| And part of me goes, Ari, don't even read them. | ||
| I don't read the comments anymore. | ||
| I learned that with the Tom and Bert is fat thing. | ||
| I stopped reading comments altogether because I was like, oh, they don't... | ||
| I make my kids, I go, don't touch my comments. | ||
| You guys all worked out some sort of a deal, right? | ||
| Like, Ari is gonna pay for something? | ||
| Yeah, he's... | ||
| Ari's... | ||
| That's the other part. | ||
| I don't know why he bounced out of Asia. | ||
| I think he wanted to go on the trip with us, but he'd already planned his trip to Asia. | ||
| So he's like, I'll take care of you when we get back. | ||
| And so I think we're going to the Super Bowl in February, or we're going to the NFC Championship in January. | ||
| And Ari's going to pay for it. | ||
| Ari's nothing but fluid money. | ||
| So he's got no dependents. | ||
| And we've all known that. | ||
| And part of me, like, I kind of enjoyed the Welch moniker. | ||
| Yeah, but he didn't. | ||
| But I didn't enjoy being called fucking... | ||
| Did you see what Tom posted when Ralphie died? | ||
| No. | ||
| You haven't seen it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Can you pull up his fucking Instagram? | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, I didn't enjoy this. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Take a look. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| So has had to hear about the passing of Ralphie Mae. | ||
| His heart was bigger than his stomach. | ||
| Honestly, I've always been intrigued by comments who were kind of hilarious offstage. | ||
| What a total sweetheart. | ||
| Every time I saw him. | ||
| Big hug Ralphie. | ||
| And it's a picture of fucking me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And you're smelling something with your shirt off. | ||
| I'm smelling a beer. | ||
| In your underwear. | ||
| Drinking Fireball and Jack Daniels. | ||
| In Philly at Preston and Steve. | ||
| Where are you? | ||
| You're on a radio show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those guys are great. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| On the other side is M. Night Shyamalan. | ||
| What are those shorts? | ||
| They are Shinesty bathing suit. | ||
| It's a jean bathing suit. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong was on the show with you? | ||
| He was on the show, too. | ||
| What was he like? | ||
| He's really cool. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah, he was really cool. | ||
| Really interesting. | ||
| That guy knocked it out of the park once. | ||
| I would argue twice. | ||
| I would argue a couple times. | ||
| The fucking signs with Mel Gibson? | ||
| Oh, I thought that one sucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swing for the fences! | |
| A new one wasn't bad. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The one that plants come to kill you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, Split. | |
| That one was rough. | ||
| Oh, was that good? | ||
| Split good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's a sequel to that Unbreakable one. | |
| Oh, you know what I like, though? | ||
| I'll say twice. | ||
| I like that elevator one. | ||
| The devil was in the elevator. | ||
| You didn't see that one either. | ||
| It was pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But the first one, Sixth Sense, that was fucking great. | ||
| Dude, me and a black guy sat in the lobby. | ||
| Just a random black guy. | ||
| A random black guy who was sitting behind me, and we both realized that he was dead at the same time, and When we lost our shits and then walked out to the lobby together and started... | ||
| I didn't know this guy. | ||
| I said, this is the coolest thing about a movie. | ||
| Me and this guy have nothing in common. | ||
| He's got dreads, tattoos, and me and him sat in the lobby and broke down the movie. | ||
| I didn't know him, but we were just sharing our realizations together. | ||
| And I was like, wait, wait, wait, hold on one second. | ||
| Hold on! | ||
| And one of my favorite experiences after a movie is when total strangers get together and they're like, shut up, hold on, wait, what happened? | ||
| Oh, it was great. | ||
| Yeah, those movies where people don't know they're dead are weird, like Beetlejuice. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Remember they died in the river? | ||
| Their car fell in the river? | ||
| I don't like movies like Beetlejuice or like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. | ||
| The new one? | ||
| I can't watch anything where there's a little bit of fantasy type thing. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| No. | ||
| I could not watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I was a kid. | ||
| Oh, the old one. | ||
| Yeah, I never saw the new one because I wouldn't watch it. | ||
| The new one was... | ||
| I think it was just called Willy Wonka, right? | ||
| What was the new one called? | ||
| The Johnny Depp one. | ||
| When he talked like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The other way around. | |
| It came from a book called Charlie and Charlotte Factory. | ||
| The first movie was Willy Wonka, and then the remake was... | ||
| The one with Johnny Depp is Charlie and the Charlotte Factory. | ||
| Yeah, what don't you like about those? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Like Alice in Wonderland? | ||
| Anything about... | ||
| Like, I don't know if it's like a bad trip type fantasy. | ||
| They freak me out, man. | ||
| Did you see the new Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp when he played the Mad Hatter? | ||
| I won't watch it. | ||
| It's great! | ||
| Oh, I won't watch it. | ||
| I enjoyed the shit out of it. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| Did you just freak out? | ||
| Yeah, like there was a movie that really freaked me out. | ||
| I think it was called Clown, about this dad who gets his kid a clown for his birthday and the clown doesn't show up. | ||
| So he goes down to the basement and he finds a clown outfit and he puts it on and he's the clown for the kid. | ||
| And then that night, he can't get the nose off. | ||
| And it meshes into his body. | ||
| I couldn't... | ||
| Dude, this movie... | ||
| Eli Roth made it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's pretty good. | |
| That's a good movie? | ||
| Fucked me. | ||
| I couldn't watch it. | ||
| I started watching it and I was like, nah, I can't. | ||
| Show me a trailer, young Jamie. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Are you freaking out? | ||
| Yeah, I don't like clowns, but... | ||
| Did you see the Green Inferno he made? | ||
| About the cannibals in South America, I think? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking good. | |
| Yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's on Netflix, I think. | |
| Fuck, where did I see it? | ||
| Is it a horror movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, for sure. | |
| People dying. | ||
| Yeah, it's gruesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's really good. | |
| He made that Hostel movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's also in Glorious Bastards. | |
| He was in Glorious Bastards. | ||
| He was badass in that movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he's the bear Jew. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I keep hearing is fucking amazing? | ||
| It's the new Blade Runner movie, but it's not doing good in the box office, apparently. | ||
| They had to sign non-disclosures when they went to review it, where they couldn't reveal anything about the movie. | ||
| Alright, give me some volume here. | ||
| We'll play the trailer here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this freaks me out. | |
| You're gonna miss the clown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no clown coming. | |
| Who double books a clown? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought you had a backup. | |
| Everything's gonna be fine. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Missed the clown! | ||
| Dad, hurry! | ||
| I'm gonna be late! | ||
| I physically cannot get it off. | ||
| It's suffocating. | ||
| One, two. | ||
| Daddy? | ||
| Oh, Jack, sweetie, let's get you to bed. | ||
| That's not daddy. | ||
| I can feel myself changing. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's not a costume? | ||
| Skin of a demon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clurred five children into its cave. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| One child. | ||
| Forever more. | ||
| A winter. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| No matter what I say, don't let me out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How do you get the suit off? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| This looks amazing. | ||
| The kids aren't all right. | ||
| The sound is very loud. | ||
| Distorted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
"I want to see my number one birthday boy." "Whoa." Fuck that. | |
| Dude, I'm watching that tonight. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| He's got some really good movies that have come out over the last couple years. | ||
| What is he famous for? | ||
| I believe Hostel was the first one he made. | ||
| Oh, that motherfucker. | ||
| I'm not watching this movie then. | ||
| Clown 2? | ||
| There was a part 2? | ||
| He came back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was Clown 2? | |
| Okay, let's watch the trailer for Clown 2. This looks like a joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's a joke. | |
| Oh, is it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Looked pretty fucking violent. | ||
| Get deep in there. | ||
| See what happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, ha ha ha. | |
| I have the outfit on. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Uh, same people. | ||
| Mmm, same people. | ||
| This is the 2017 version. | ||
| Just in time for us to binge. | ||
| This is what we're gonna do in the new studio, Bert. | ||
| We're gonna watch some fucked up movies and do like fight companions for fucked up movies. | ||
| Funny movies. | ||
| Oh, it's not real? | ||
| Oh, kill it. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Fan me. | ||
| It's fucking fancy. | ||
| Man, I can't. | ||
| Scary movies, I get legit scared. | ||
| Like, I get to the point where I go, I don't know why I'm doing this. | ||
| It's like jumping out of an airplane. | ||
| I go, I don't know why I'm doing this. | ||
| I don't know if I enjoyed this. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I remember seeing The Ring in the movie theater, and I was screaming so bad that people were laughing. | ||
| Why do you get scared? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did you see the new It movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't go to see those? | ||
| I would never. | ||
| I saw the original It. | ||
| I was like, I was like, Stephen King, it's probably a pretty good thriller. | ||
| And this clown showed up, and I couldn't stop watching it. | ||
| The original one was on TV, wasn't it? | ||
| Yeah, it was like a miniseries or something? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That bothered you that much? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm. | |
| I don't like clowns. | ||
| I'll never put on clown makeup. | ||
| That'll never happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I did once. | ||
| I got mauled by a bull. | ||
| That was the only time I ever put clown makeup on. | ||
| Oh, go to Eddie Bravo's Instagram page and check out this new bullfighting thing they're doing. | ||
| What? | ||
| They're doing this new bullfighting thing where they don't actually fight the bulls. | ||
| These are acrobats, and they stand in front of the bull. | ||
| The bull charges them, and they flip over the fucking bull. | ||
| Dude, people are taking shit to a totally next level. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh, shut up. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Non-violent bullfighting. | ||
| So they don't kill the bull. | ||
| And, like, this is probably... | ||
| First of all, it's way more interesting. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I don't feel bad watching it. | ||
| I mean, I'm gonna feel bad if this guy eventually gets a horn through his asshole, which is probably gonna happen. | ||
| But I'm not rooting for the bull. | ||
| Like, I'm kind of rooting for the bull when I see matadors. | ||
| Not even kinda. | ||
| I think bullfighting is completely retarded. | ||
| I think if you want to shoot a bull and kill it and eat it, I get that, but you should do it humanely and you should, you know, you should do it where you're, you know what you're doing, you shoot the bull in the head or wherever you're gonna shoot it in the heart and get it over with, but they stab those things with these long spears and they poison them, they do a lot of shit, but this is, to me, way more Dangerous? | ||
| Way more brave? | ||
| Way more interesting to watch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which addresses a major concern amongst animal rights activists? | ||
| What does? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That the bulls aren't getting hurt, but I don't... | |
| This is non-violent bullfighting? | ||
| Oh, I think we're just watching a loop. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| So it says Olay... | ||
| Well, this is the guy DP4k.m. | ||
| I follow him on Instagram. | ||
| He's a radical anti... | ||
| Anti-factory farming, animal rights activist guy, or girl. | ||
| I don't know if it's a guy or a girl, honestly. | ||
| I'm just a sexist. | ||
| But his page, this person's page, her page, whatever, is just filled with animal rights stuff. | ||
| It's always animal rights stuff. | ||
| We went to a bullfight in, I think, in Madrid or Barcelona, me and my buddy Huicho when we were 22. We didn't know what it was. | ||
| We were like, yeah, we gotta go to a bullfight, right? | ||
| Man, we were, both of us were like, this is really upsetting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When we were kids, that's like when you'd be like, oh, fuck yeah, but both of us were like, oh, they killed him. | ||
| Like, it really is, really is sad. | ||
| Well, this guy put up, I found out about this guy, this animal rights guy, and I followed his page, because he put up a picture of a friend of my friend Adam Greentrees in Hawaii, in Hawaii, Australia. | ||
| Because in Australia, they hunt feral cats. | ||
| And this guy was holding up a cat, like a house cat, that they shot and killed. | ||
| And the reason why they do that is because feral house cats in Australia are an invasive species and they are devastating the local ecology. | ||
| They destroy ground nesting birds, they kill everything, and there's a large population of them. | ||
| They actually have a bounty on feral cats in Australia. | ||
| See, they've made some terrible mistakes with conservation in Australia. | ||
| And one of the mistakes they've done, like over and over again, is introduce invasive species to the continent. | ||
| See, Australia didn't... | ||
| The predators in Australia are... | ||
| They used to have the Tasmanian tiger, they have dingoes, and they have crocodiles, which are just the fucking monsters. | ||
| They're ruthless. | ||
| They have serious saltwater crocodiles. | ||
| And then, of course, sharks on the outside. | ||
| But... | ||
| Then they introduced a bunch of animals to both Australia and New Zealand to hunt. | ||
| They introduced fallow deer and stags and a lot of different things. | ||
| Stags are mostly in New Zealand. | ||
| And pigs, wild pigs. | ||
| These fucking things went everywhere. | ||
| They're all over the place. | ||
| They also introduced a bunch of different, like, rabbits and things along those lines. | ||
| And when they did that... | ||
| I don't know about rabbits. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| But they brought in cats... | ||
| And foxes to deal with some of the other species, but then the cats and the foxes don't just kill the species they want them to kill. | ||
| They fucking kill all these other things that had no idea what a cat was. | ||
| Like, there was no feral cats there. | ||
| And so now they have a real problem with them, where they just, they run the risk. | ||
| I know this guy who's an animal rights activist, his thought is he's seeing this monster shooting someone's pet. | ||
| But it's most likely not someone's pet. | ||
| It's most likely a feral cat. | ||
| There's thousands of them, hundreds of thousands of them in Australia, and they're a giant issue. | ||
| They hire people to kill them because they're devastating all these animals that had no idea what a cat was. | ||
| So it's a much more complex issue than a lot of these animal rights activists Understand and I was thrown off because Adam Greentree my buddy gave me a bow hunting magazine from Australia when I was there visiting him and I was going through it on the plane and And there's pictures of guys holding up cats that they shot. | ||
| And I was like, what in the fuck is wrong with you Australians? | ||
| But when it's explained to you by someone who lives there, it's not like we hate house cats. | ||
| These are not house cats. | ||
| This is like going out and shooting a bobcat that's been killing all the local grouse. | ||
| Like if you introduced a cat into the area that wasn't supposed to be there and it was devastating all the other animals. | ||
| So you have one of two options. | ||
| Either you just let everything go extinct, And don't handle it, or you try to clean up the mess that your ancestors sort of started before you. | ||
| Like Nutria. | ||
| Yeah, Nutria's a good example. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's a very good example. | ||
| Those fucking things, those giant rat things. | ||
| By the way, I have to take two seconds to talk about Adam Greentree. | ||
| He's like my new favorite obsession. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| You tweeted out, you gotta watch my buddy on this hunt when I was in Australia. | ||
| And I was like, all my time zones were all fucked up, and I was not sleeping. | ||
| And I got obsessed with that hunt he did. | ||
| Started in Colorado, ended up in Montana. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got obsessed with it, and it was so much fun to watch. | ||
| And then when he got off the hunt, I was like, well, fuck, I guess I'll just wait for the next hunt. | ||
| Well, explain what the thing is. | ||
| He was solo. | ||
| Solo backpacking. | ||
| And he was covering, and by the way, I speak big, I'm probably wrong, but he was covering like 15 miles a day on foot. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| And not just a flat walk, up mountains, because you've got to glass these things. | ||
| I feel like I know I'm a hunter from watching this video every day. | ||
| He would post it on his Insta stories, and he was looking, he'd find elk, I think he was hunting elk, and he would find elk, but it wasn't the one he wanted. | ||
| And he'd see this elk, and he's like six pointer, or six... | ||
| Six-something. | ||
| Six point, yeah. | ||
| And he's like, it's a six point, but it's not the right one. | ||
| No, they were young. | ||
| He didn't want to shoot a young animal. | ||
| He wanted to shoot an old, mature animal. | ||
| And then at one point, there was a bear tracking him, and I'm like... | ||
| Yeah, not just tracking him, charging him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's doing an Instagram story of these bears charging him, and in one of the Instagram pictures, it's him holding up a gun, and you see the bear in the background standing on its hind legs. | ||
| When I posted that, his likes or his followers went from the beginning when he started this quest, he was at 75,000 followers. | ||
| By the end of this trip, he had doubled to over 150. What is he at now? | ||
| Adam.Greentree. | ||
| He just renewed his vows with his beautiful wife, Kim. | ||
| I feel like I know the guy. | ||
| I feel like I know the guy. | ||
| You've never met him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I've got to introduce you to him. | ||
| He's going to be here. | ||
| He's going to be here soon. | ||
| What has he got now? | ||
| Yeah, 162, is that what it says? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When we started, when he started this trip, rather, look at those pictures of grizzly bear footprints. | ||
| In the ground. | ||
| Right next to his footprint. | ||
| Fucking A. Look how big those goddamn things are. | ||
| And if you're interested in these Instagram stories, right now my friend Remy Warren just posted another crazy Instagram story about their time on Afognak Island in Alaska where they got attacked by a giant Kodiak bear. | ||
| They got attacked by a 1,000 pound bear. | ||
| One of the guys wound up riding the bear on its back. | ||
| The bear charged him. | ||
| Everybody scattered. | ||
| One of the guys hit the bear in the face with trekking poles. | ||
| One guy got knocked up into the air, wound up on the bear's back as the bear was running down the hill for like two or three steps. | ||
| He was literally riding this bear's back. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| Remy what? | ||
| Remy Warren. | ||
| He's another friend of mine who's one of the... | ||
| I'm following him right now. | ||
| There's a handful of the best bow hunters in the world that I'm privileged to know, but Adam is most certainly one of them, so is Remy. | ||
| My all-time favorite is always going to be Cameron Haynes. | ||
| Cameron Haynes is starting. | ||
| That's Remy. | ||
| He's got some pictures and videos of the hunt that they went on in a Fognac, but they had killed an elk And that's the elk down there, the one with one antler. | ||
| And he had broken off one of his antlers fighting. | ||
| And they were cutting this elk up and packing it out and then they set it down and they were just sitting down eating lunch. | ||
| And they didn't have their guns on them. | ||
| They were just unprepared. | ||
| And with no warning, this 1,000 pound bear charged them. | ||
| Just ran right at them into the camp. | ||
| Just decided that he wanted that elk. | ||
| And it was just fucking chaos. | ||
| And everybody scattered. | ||
| Thankfully, everyone was okay. | ||
| But they got as close to death as possible. | ||
| I was talking to Remy about it on the phone yesterday. | ||
| He was telling me that literally, inches away from his face, he was seeing gnashing teeth. | ||
| Like, inches away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| What in the fuck, man? | ||
| What's even... | ||
| I mean, that's a crazy... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| I can't wrap my head around, just by following Adam, I couldn't wrap my head around what he was doing. | ||
| The idea that he like flew to Montana because he didn't like the hunt in Colorado. | ||
| He flew to Montana. | ||
| He drove. | ||
| Or he drove to Montana and then he left the car and then just went, he got lost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, he knows where he's going because he uses his GPS and he knows how to, he follows, there's a thing called Onyx Maps. | ||
| You know, you download the maps to your phone and then you can stretch your phone out and he was using a solar pad. | ||
| I followed all his gear. | ||
| The girls went camping, and when I came in Sunday, this is so silly that this is like how life works. | ||
| And by the way, I think anyone who's a podcast fan will get this, is I'm following Adam, I'm watching his stories, And he's showing all this PAC stuff he's got. | ||
| And me and the girls are getting ready to go to REI. And I went, oh, I'm going to get some of his shit. | ||
| Like, some of his stuff. | ||
| Because I know that he's only rocking the best stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the girls are getting ready to go camping. | ||
| I'm going to be home that next weekend by myself. | ||
| So I go and I start looking at the thing. | ||
| And then I'm watching his stories. | ||
| Leanne's watching me. | ||
| And he's like, he does some video of the sun shining. | ||
| And he goes, look, Kim, it's Cameron Haynes' smile. | ||
| And I get the joke. | ||
| And I start laughing. | ||
| And Leanne says, who the fuck are you watching? | ||
| And who the fuck's Cameron Haynes? | ||
| He's like, And I'm like, oh, they're friends of mine. | ||
| I don't even know these dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I follow them and I know them, so I'm giggling. | |
| Well, you could be friends with them. | ||
| I just have to introduce you. | ||
| I'd last one night with Adam, who doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs. | ||
| No, he's great. | ||
| I'd be in his camp going, first of all, we're not bringing any whiskey out of here, Adam. | ||
| We're going to sit here sober and Bear's going to attack us. | ||
| Well, you're sober right now. | ||
| That was one of the things that he was saying. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| No drug, no drink. | ||
| This is what I do. | ||
| Well, his father had a real problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he's averse to it completely. | ||
| I have some friends that have experienced alcoholism, like abusive alcoholism from their parents, and they have the same feeling. | ||
| They just don't want to have anything to do with it. | ||
| They see how it just wrecks people and ruins people. | ||
| And I'll tell you, man, I don't feel that way because I've enjoyed drinking, and I've never really had a terrible thing happen to me because of drinking. | ||
| Being sober over these last 12 days or whatever the fuck it's been and being at comedy clubs every night and seeing sloppy drunks. | ||
| Like, I've seen three or four, like, the other night at the store, some fucking unbelievably drunk guy wanted to have a conversation with me from like two inches away. | ||
| You know that sloppy drunk close talk type thing? | ||
| I'm like, gee, who the fuck? | ||
| Who does this sober? | ||
| Zero people. | ||
| This is one of the worst things about alcohol. | ||
| The people don't understand boundaries or how they come off or what they sound like. | ||
| There's bad things to... | ||
| You're a great drunk, by the way. | ||
| You're like one of my favorite drunks because you're so used to it. | ||
| You manage it well. | ||
| You're like a black belt in being drunk. | ||
| So it's like, with all the problems that you've had with your health, with drinking too much, you come off pretty easy. | ||
| You're a fun guy to be around when you're drinking. | ||
| You don't have a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In that sense. | ||
| Because we all know people that drink and then they go dark and they get mean. | ||
| And they get angry. | ||
| We've seen that. | ||
| I'd never have had that. | ||
| I think that's also part of the problem is that I'm a good drunk and everyone enjoys me and I'm a nice guy, I'm a sweet guy. | ||
| And I think that's the reason even my wife's like, I don't think you have a problem. | ||
| I don't think I have a problem, but the woman's with me a lot. | ||
| I mean, she wouldn't be the one to know, but... | ||
| She's like, but health-wise, it's changed my health. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I ran six miles in under an hour the other day. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's fast for me. | ||
| That's very good. | ||
| And so health-wise, I feel amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's 18 miles in three hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I couldn't keep that pace up. | ||
| But imagine if you did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's really fucking good, man. | ||
| Nine minutes and 20 miles. | ||
| What's a marathon? | ||
| 26? | ||
| That's almost a marathon in four hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I'm doing a half marathon. | ||
| I signed up for a half marathon. | ||
| This is going to sound silly, but just to keep myself on the rails. | ||
| I don't want to lose the fitness. | ||
| I like feeling good. | ||
| I like feeling strong. | ||
| See, this was my question initially. | ||
| It feels like this is a sprint. | ||
| This is not a change in your lifestyle like I feel like I'm what I'm worried about is it's like you're just gonna like this is great I feel great I've never felt better and then woo! | ||
| Off the rails! | ||
| That would be a week of that! | ||
| Almost that you're planning but it was almost like you're planning to go off the rails like this is just like I'm gonna keep it together for a month and then no I talked to Tom and Push about this a lot but like I I don't want to stop partying, but I don't want partying to be... | ||
| I don't want... | ||
| I think it got out of control in the sense that, like, I was... | ||
| It was like I'd get on stage and have a cocktail. | ||
| I mean, I drank a soda one time on stage and they lost their fucking minds because I killed it. | ||
| Because they just assumed it's whiskey. | ||
| I think I'd like to find a middle ground of where I can go and have a good time. | ||
| I want to quit drinking on planes. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| That's my thing I'm focused on this month. | ||
| No booze on planes. | ||
| And then I wouldn't mind working out hard. | ||
| I think I always say I work out, but legit working out is not what I've been doing. | ||
| Yeah, like when you do a 90-minute hot yoga class, you realize what suffering really is. | ||
| Ten minutes into our first class, Tom looked over to me and he goes, we can't do this. | ||
| And I'm looking at him, I'm like, what? | ||
| He goes, 10 minutes. | ||
| He kept going, 10 minutes. | ||
| Then he'd go, 15 minutes. | ||
| At an hour, he goes, I'm done. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I can't do 30 more minutes. | ||
| And then when we go, you know, when you get on your back and you put your arms out, and Tom just reached over and grabs my hand and holds it tight like a lover, and he's like, get me the fuck out of here. | ||
| It's gotten easier and like things that we couldn't do now we can do and it's we've only been to like six classes But we're getting better at it and we're enjoying it more and like everyone knows us because we're the two big fucking bears in there and so Tom got in trouble for drinking water one time. | ||
| Did you drink water during the poses? | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| You have to wait until both poses are done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Set one, set two. | ||
| He got so fucking pissed. | ||
| He went to go drink water and they're like, Tom, not water! | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| And looked around at me like, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Was it a guy teaching a class? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Guys are the ones that tell you no water. | ||
| The girls are like, if you'd like to drink water, please do it when we're done with the pose. | ||
| The idea is that everyone's working together. | ||
| This is the idea that Bikram's does, is that you're all working together, and that if you interrupt the work to drink water, you're sending a bad message. | ||
| Like, you're not in the community. | ||
| There's something about those classes. | ||
| I've done yoga by myself. | ||
| I have an app on my phone and it'll time out all the poses and stuff like that. | ||
| I can do it, but I do a lot of working out by myself. | ||
| I do a lot of lifting and running and everything I do by myself. | ||
| I know how to motivate myself, but it's so much better to do it in a class. | ||
| It holds you accountable. | ||
| Yeah, it holds you accountable, and it's like there's no bullshit. | ||
| You're going to fucking hold this pose for 30 seconds, period. | ||
| This is 30 seconds. | ||
| And you do it as much as you can, and your fucking feet are shaking. | ||
| Dude, my favorite one is this one, where you go down here, and you have to sit here. | ||
| I love that fucking pose. | ||
| Why do you love that one? | ||
| Because I was a catcher, so it goes right back to my strength. | ||
| And that one works. | ||
| I love that fucking pose. | ||
| I go deep. | ||
| When she goes down, I go deep. | ||
| And that and the plane one where you come up. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Tom and I have been talking about doing a calendar. | ||
| A yoga calendar? | ||
| A yoga pose calendar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a good move. | |
| 12 months, me and Tom in different poses together. | ||
| You'd sell the shit out of that thing. | ||
| You would sell the shit out of that thing. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| Jamie, you would take the photography. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do a couple's poses down by the beach. | |
| That's not what we're talking about, Jamie! | ||
| We want to do a Bikram, hot, sweaty, maybe both of us in Speedos, and hold our favorite poses. | ||
| How about those jean shorts? | ||
| I'd wear those in a heartbeat. | ||
| The second we went in, the first class we went in, Tom goes, he sees a guy in a Speedo, and he goes, how are you not wearing a Speedo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah! | |
| He's like, this is your whole thing. | ||
| And I was like, I don't know. | ||
| My favorite Tommy Bond story in yoga, our instructor starts telling a story. | ||
| You know, like, in between poses, he's telling a story. | ||
| And like, the first 30 minutes of class about his son and him in New York and his son walking and his son being out of breath and whatnot. | ||
| And then continues on with the poses. | ||
| Last 30 minutes of class, we are fucking panting. | ||
| We're on our stomachs, face to the left, hands down by your side. | ||
| And I hear Tom, in a silent class, I hear Tom go, Hey man! | ||
| Hey, what happened? | ||
| And he's just talking loud as shit. | ||
| It scared the fuck out of me. | ||
| He goes, what happened with you and your son in New York? | ||
| Because he didn't finish the story? | ||
| And the guy goes, excuse me? | ||
| Tom goes, you never finished your story, man. | ||
| I've been waiting for this end of this story. | ||
| And you just kept dragging. | ||
| And he keeps talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I am shaking next to him going, shut the fuck up, Tom. | |
| We're fucking yoga. | ||
| And does the guy finish the story? | ||
| And then the guy goes, that was it. | ||
| And Tom goes, oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did we just go with a pause? | |
| Oh! | ||
| He is so fucking funny. | ||
| Did you see the video we did with the girl? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Did you see the video we did with the girl, Laura Ackerman? | ||
| She seemed so cool. | ||
| She was so cool. | ||
| Was she the instructor? | ||
| Is that what that was? | ||
| No, she was just a person in class. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| The look on our face when we go... | ||
| When she goes to the other machine. | ||
| No, she called me the tank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought she called you the machine, but you're the machine. | |
| Here, play the video and watch the look on my face when I go, we're doing with our friend Ari Shaffir. | ||
| Do you know Ari Shaffir? | ||
| She goes, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Play the video, Jamie. | ||
| This is the look on me and Tom's face when she says she knows Ari. | ||
| We fucking lose our shit. | ||
| Hot yoga class number two down. | ||
| We're sitting here with Laura. | ||
| Laura, how did we do? | ||
| Fucking awesome, guys. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| We shocked you when we said we were doing no alcohol, no weed this month, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weed part. | |
| I can't get down with that. | ||
| Oh, you gotta pray for Joe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, let's blow our heads and pray for Joe. | ||
| You ready? | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| Namaste, Joe. | ||
| Our thoughts and prayers are with you this week in Vegas, as we know you'll be using the cannabis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe's also donating 100% of the proceeds from this show to the Las Vegas Fund, and you guys can do it too. | |
| Shout out to Joe Rogan on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good job, man. | |
| Good job, Joe. | ||
| And Ari. | ||
| Do you know who Ari Shafir is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I don't know him, but I know others. | |
| Wait, you know Ari Shafir? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, near the tank. | |
| Near the tank! | ||
| I'm a machine! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a machine! | |
| And what's he? | ||
| That's probably the best. | ||
| They call me the best! | ||
| Alright, we'll see you in class next week, Laura. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking hilarious that he said that to the instructor. | |
| Dude, he is so fucking... | ||
| If you like his stand-up, you would love being his friend, because he's so dry. | ||
| Yeah, he's very dry. | ||
| And the things he does in that class are... | ||
| He's not trying to be funny, he's being Tom. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that in class, too. | ||
| Just talking in the middle of class. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| They do tell some terrible stories, though. | ||
| Because they have you held hostage. | ||
| Because you're in the middle of yoga, you know? | ||
| I said one time, the lady goes, Bert, it's the one where you pull your foot up and then you're supposed to kick your foot out. | ||
| She goes, Bert, grab the bottom of your foot. | ||
| I go, I can't, I'm fat. | ||
| And then she goes, there's people fatter than you in this class. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I looked at Tom going, I guess we know who she's talking about! | |
| He, by the way, I have to say this. | ||
| I always shit on Tom's weight. | ||
| He's actually looking really good. | ||
| I think this hot yoga is really clicking with him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| His wife was saying that. | ||
| He can get much deeper into poses than I can. | ||
| I have a hard time getting into deep poses. | ||
| But he really has changed his life. | ||
| We weigh the exact same, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, but he's probably more muscular than you. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's got a lot more skin. | ||
| A lot more skin. | ||
| Something about him just seems more fit. | ||
| I don't know what it is, man. | ||
| Just being real. | ||
| You're down to like 219 or something crazy? | ||
| What were you at the weight loss challenge? | ||
| What's the lowest you got? | ||
| Probably 219, 222. Isn't that crazy? | ||
| You're lighter now, and you're not dehydrating yourself. | ||
| I took total measurements of my body, because I'm curious to see at the end of the month. | ||
| Everyone said I look like I'm deflated. | ||
| You look thin. | ||
| My face looks healthier, and so I took measurements of my stomachs, my arms, my legs, and just to see what the shift was. | ||
| I was 224 the day I stopped drinking. | ||
| Well, your face looks different, like your eyes. | ||
| Like you used to have the, I've been drinking bags, you know, that a lot of people get? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 6'1", 224, chest 47. Oh, you're talking about your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a girthy seven inches. | |
| So you're doing that at the beginning, and then when you get to the end, you're going to check yourself again. | ||
| Now, what are you eating? | ||
| Are you eating healthy, or are you eating just whatever you want? | ||
| Well, I'm eating healthy for like two-thirds of the day. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Like, I'm eating really healthy, and I'm doing this. | ||
| I saw this on a podcast you did with some girl about not intermittent fasting, but fasting for 13, 12 hours. | ||
| Yeah, that's called intermittent fasting. | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing that. | ||
| I'm doing intermittent fasting. | ||
| But by the way... | ||
| 14 is what I think they recommend. | ||
| Oh, that's really tough. | ||
| Your last meal's at 5 p.m. | ||
| Or just eat at 10 p.m. | ||
| and then don't eat until noon. | ||
| My last meal was at 8pm last night. | ||
| The last thing I put in my mouth was at 8pm. | ||
| I do 7 and 9. I have dinner at 7. And then I don't eat until 9 in the morning. | ||
| And when I eat in the morning, I drink butter coffee. | ||
| Like before I work out, I just have coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil. | ||
| That's what I've been doing. | ||
| And that's your first... | ||
| Once you have that, that starts your thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I go 14 hours every day without eating. | ||
| I've been eating a lot of... | ||
| I shouldn't say every day. | ||
| Five, six days a week. | ||
| I try to do 12 hours every day, and then the first thing I do is I drink two huge things of water, and then that shit immediately. | ||
| As soon as I have those... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I'll eat. | ||
| I eat healthy in the morning. | ||
| I'll eat healthy in the afternoon. | ||
| After hot yoga, man, I fucking... | ||
| I cannot say no to a candy bar. | ||
| Like, I don't know if my blood sugar's off. | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
| But I'm like... | ||
| I come home and I'm like, I need fucking something sweet. | ||
| And then I'll eat a really healthy dinner. | ||
| Yeah, that's probably exactly what it is. | ||
| You know, your body's craving glucose. | ||
| It must be. | ||
| I had a score bar. | ||
| I ate it so quick yesterday. | ||
| You're burning off so many calories. | ||
| I mean, I don't know how many calories you burn in a 90 minute. | ||
| 715, they say. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| 715. That sounds about right. | ||
| Well, it depends on the effort. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, if you do it 100%. | ||
| Like, I can coast through a class, or I can do everything at 100%. | ||
| And I've done both. | ||
| And the difference in the way I feel at the end is significantly different. | ||
| I did one class that was a mix-up. | ||
| It wasn't Bikram. | ||
| It was hot yoga. | ||
| And it was a little different in that we did all 26 poses, but we also did flow in between them. | ||
| That was really tough. | ||
| I thought that's the kind you went to. | ||
| I was like, I'm never going to Joe's one. | ||
| Because it was like downward dog, cobra, warrior one, warrior two, pigeon. | ||
| I do that on Wednesdays. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Yeah, that's my Wednesday class. | ||
| That's a hard fucking class. | ||
| It's a very hard class, yeah. | ||
| And then they add humidity to it. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How do they do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They said just... | ||
| I said... | ||
| I walked in and I was very confident. | ||
| I was with my wife's best friend. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| They're like, have you ever done hot yoga? | ||
| And I said, yeah, I do, Bikram. | ||
| And they're like, we're a little different. | ||
| I was like, no, I get it. | ||
| It'll be... | ||
| But it's the same poses, right? | ||
| It's like, no, there's some flow in between and we add humidity. | ||
| So stand by the door. | ||
| Like, make sure you're matched by the door. | ||
| So they must have like a humidifier in the room or something? | ||
| I I guess. | ||
| And so I was by the door, and it was so much hotter in there that it was burning my eyes and mouth. | ||
| And they would open the door, and when they opened the door, I was like, thank God. | ||
| Well, we got a sauna that we're putting in the new studio. | ||
| It's actually in already. | ||
| I can't wait to see this new studio. | ||
| Oh, dude, it's the Playhouse. | ||
| We're going to have the best Playhouse ever. | ||
| It's so exciting. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| We're set to move on Monday. | ||
| You're going to move on Monday? | ||
| Yeah, Monday. | ||
| We gotta do a podcast, me, you, Tommy, and Ari again one more time when we're back partying. | ||
| Gotta get Ari high first. | ||
| Calm him down. | ||
| Bring him back to baseline. | ||
| Bring him back to happy Ari. | ||
| I will tell you, I've never had a real want of marijuana. | ||
| I'll smoke it, but I've never been a guy that gets high on my own. | ||
| I miss marijuana. | ||
| Marijuana's a great thing, but it's also a great thing to just be alive, and be yourself, and take a month off of everything. | ||
| I'm enjoying this. | ||
| I'm enjoying this 12 months. | ||
| I have zero cravings. | ||
| You know, one thing that I miss, I wish there was non-alcoholic wine that tasted the same, because I really do enjoy wine. | ||
| I like wine with a nice meal. | ||
| Like, you know, I work hard, and when I'm done working, I like to go to a restaurant and have a nice meal, or sit at home, maybe cook for myself. | ||
| Was that you? | ||
| Yeah, it was mine. | ||
| Detoxing. | ||
| They call it the crocodile shakes. | ||
| Having a steak and some wine, that's one of the great pleasures. | ||
| That's the only thing I'm missing. | ||
| I've only wanted booze one day this whole run, and that was at the Rams game. | ||
| I wanted cold beer so bad. | ||
| Oh, cold beer. | ||
| On a hot day, a nice cold beer. | ||
| Oh, it was a beautiful day. | ||
| And I was with two buddies and their kid, and I was like... | ||
| And they were like, hey, we're going to go to the Corona little bar area to get a drink. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| And I hung out, and I was like, oh, I definitely want a cold beer. | ||
| And a hot dog, and some peanuts, and then just, oh. | ||
| And then that trade-off you do with your friends, hey, you're going to go up and get beers? | ||
| Grab me one, and then they come back. | ||
| But in all honesty, I've got to be honest with you, I really enjoyed being the designated driver. | ||
| I've never done that. | ||
| So I was like, I'll drive, everybody. | ||
| I'm responsible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm responsible. | |
| It was really cool to show up and see my kids and be like, Dad Stone's over! | ||
| You know what I like? | ||
| I like cold beer when you're fishing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Come on, right? | ||
| Like a Modelo or something. | ||
| You know, like a Modelo Amber. | ||
| Nice fucking freezing cold where you reach into the cooler and the ice is falling off the bottle and you crack that fucker and... | ||
| Or a Heineken. | ||
| A good cold Heineken sounds... | ||
| Oh, a Sam Adams sounds amazing right now. | ||
| A frosty cold Sam Adams lager. | ||
| Oh, my dick's getting hard! | ||
| That would taste so good. | ||
| I want to be on the water, like, fishing with a cold Sam Adams. | ||
| Oh, what would be the drink? | ||
| What would be the drink if you're sitting on the beach, on a beach bar in, like, St. Martin's, and the sun's getting ready to set, and someone goes, sir, can I get you a drink? | ||
| What would be your drink right then? | ||
| Margarita. | ||
| I'm all about margaritas, bro. | ||
| It's cold, it's got the ice, it's got the salt around the rim. | ||
| Can I get a floater on top? | ||
| Tequila. | ||
| Tequila's always meaning you're partying. | ||
| If you're drinking tequila, you're partying. | ||
| Oh, I can't wait. | ||
| I can't wait till I get to start again. | ||
| I'm going to be with Ari Halloween night at 11 o'clock. | ||
| Ari's like, you started Easter Standard Time, then at 11 o'clock New Orleans, we get to have our first drink. | ||
| So, I cannot fucking wait. | ||
| You guys are going to be in Halloween? | ||
| You're going to be in New Orleans? | ||
| Halloween, we're going to be on the French Quarter. | ||
| Your kid's going to tweak on that? | ||
| That you're not going to be with your kids on Halloween? | ||
| They were a little upset. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Do they want orthodontics? | ||
| Yeah, you want to make money or what? | ||
| You guys have a job? | ||
| No? | ||
| Well, daddy has to work. | ||
| Get over it. | ||
| It's just a day, you fucks. | ||
| Yeah, they were a little upset about Halloween, but we fly into New Orleans. | ||
| We go out that night. | ||
| Ari and I have been talking about it, but I was like, we'll go to a nice dinner. | ||
| We'll go out to the French Quarter a little later, see everyone, hang out, be sober, and then come 11 p.m. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coo-coo. | |
| Now, when are you going to do Halloween with your kids at all, or are you just going to write it off? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| How long have you gone for? | ||
| I think Ari and I are going to a Saints-Bucks game on the 6th, and then me, Sal, Volcano, and Nate Bargazzi are doing the Joy Theater the evening of the 6th. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So then you're at home after that. | ||
| I'm home on the 7th. | ||
| Why don't you dress up like a clown when you get home? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| My daughter, Isla, loves dressing as a clown, and it creeps me the fuck out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| She buys different wigs on Amazon and has them sent and just throws them on and puts makeup on her face. | ||
| One day you're gonna wake up and she's gonna be at the foot of the bed. | ||
| That would freak me out the worst is someone dressed as a fucking clown in my room. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I don't like that shit. | ||
| What is it about clowns that freak people out? | ||
| Is it that you don't know who's really under that makeup? | ||
| It's like a weird thing, right? | ||
| And also, the kind of choices that you have to make in your life where you wind up being a grown person, being a clown. | ||
| Like, what did you fuck up? | ||
| Like, what demons are you hiding? | ||
| What mistakes have you made? | ||
| John Wayne Gacy really fucked up being a clown. | ||
| Ooh, he did. | ||
| Because that was like the one where you're like, oh, there's something sinister underneath there. | ||
| Maybe that's where it started. | ||
| Maybe that's where it all started with people. | ||
| It had to, right? | ||
| Didn't that fucker killed like 30-something kids and bury them all in his backyard? | ||
| Did you ever see what- they did a movie on him. | ||
| Did you ever see what he would do? | ||
| He would- oh god. | ||
| What did he call himself? | ||
| He had a name for his clown. | ||
| It wasn't Pennywise. | ||
| Pennywise is from IT. I was about to say Pennywise. | ||
| He would take- he would take trick handcuffs. | ||
| And he'd bring a kid to his house and say, here, put these on me. | ||
| And then he'd put them on, and then he'd go behind his back and he'd undo it. | ||
| And he'd go, ha ha, I got out. | ||
| And the kid'd be like, wait, how did you do that? | ||
| And he'd be like, here, I'll show you, turn around. | ||
| And then he'd get real handcuffs and handcuff the kid and then fucking kill them. | ||
| So he wanted the element of fear and terror, not just killing the kid. | ||
| He wanted to freak the kid out. | ||
| He wanted to trick him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfucker. | |
| See, I'm two steps ahead of that shit. | ||
| I am so cautious. | ||
| I got offered a threesome my last night of drinking in DC. What does it have to do with being a baby getting handcuffed by an evil clown? | ||
| These two girls are like, let's go to strip club. | ||
| I'm like, cool. | ||
| They're dating. | ||
| And we get there. | ||
| And my spidey sense just shows up. | ||
| And they're like, you're in an open relationship, right? | ||
| And I was like, no, not at all. | ||
| And they're like, oh. | ||
| Well, let us get you a drink. | ||
| And part of me is like, oh, they're fucking roofing me. | ||
| They're going to rob me. | ||
| Like, they don't want to fuck me. | ||
| Who wants to fuck me? | ||
| They're going to roofie me, get me to a hotel room, and then fucking take my watch off, take my ring, go through my wallet, take my cash out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They didn't. | ||
| Obviously they didn't. | ||
| I'm a little oversensitive about shit like that, but they got me a drink. | ||
| I'm talking back up to the bar. | ||
| I go, hey, make me a new drink. | ||
| And they were like, what? | ||
| And I go, I didn't see this one come to me. | ||
| I'll make me a new drink. | ||
| I'll pay for both. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| Make me a new drink. | ||
| And then I said to the lady, I was like, hey, don't let anyone bring me a drink but you. | ||
| Just you brings me a drink. | ||
| She was like, okay. | ||
| Dude, you're paranoid. | ||
| I am very paranoid about that shit. | ||
| Have you ever been roofied? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| How many times have you been roofied? | ||
| About four times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| When? | ||
| Just partying. | ||
| I was the party animal in college. | ||
| And so people would just drop it in your drink for a goof? | ||
| The first time it happened to me, it was a bar. | ||
| I think it used to be called The First. | ||
| They tore down The First, but it was a place right next door to The First over on that side of campus. | ||
| And it happened to me, and my beer was fizzing up. | ||
| And I was like, that's odd. | ||
| I killed it. | ||
| Next thing you know, I end up in my roommate's dog bed the next day. | ||
| And I'm like, what happened? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, you got fucking... | ||
| You got to slip something because you were out of it. | ||
| You were talking to the dog and that was the first time. | ||
| And then it just is how I got slipped acid one time by a guy at a party. | ||
| He's like, do you think you can party? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, definitely. | ||
| He's like, all right. | ||
| And then next thing you know, he's like, hey, man, enjoy the trip. | ||
| And I was like, oh, why would you do that? | ||
| So, how did he give it to you? | ||
| I put it in my drink, and then kept drinking. | ||
| And I end up in a hotel room in the mirror, and I'm looking in my eye. | ||
| And in my eye, I can see my reflection of me in my eye. | ||
| And my buddy, Mike Osborne, I shouldn't say his name. | ||
| Well, I'm sorry. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| He had drank some of my same drink. | ||
| We were sharing the drink. | ||
| It was a big, like, 32-ounce cup. | ||
| And I'm staring at my eye into my eye, and I'm like, I don't feel right. | ||
| I really don't feel right. | ||
| And I look at Osborne, and he's, Mike, and he's sitting in the bathtub, and he's like, these aren't my feet. | ||
| And I was like, I was like, I think we got slipped something, man. | ||
| He's like, you fucked with that one guy, this Lambda Chi. | ||
| I said, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, he was putting acid in your drink. | ||
| He put acid in your drink. | ||
| Did I drink off your fucking drink? | ||
| And I was like, ah. | ||
| But it's happened. | ||
| I happened one time in Phoenix. | ||
| It was about to happen. | ||
| I thought it was going to happen. | ||
| This kid was really adamant about me doing a shot with him. | ||
| And I said to him, I was like, yo, man, you're not roofing me, are you? | ||
| The kid looked at me dead serious. | ||
| He goes, hey, man, no offense. | ||
| What am I doing with this body? | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| And he goes, how am I getting you out of here? | ||
| You see a wheelbarrow? | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, good call. | ||
| Well, he didn't have to carry you out to roof you. | ||
| He just roof you and leave you there. | ||
| Like the guy who left you in the dog bed. | ||
| That's the part of it. | ||
| It terrifies me. | ||
| I don't smoke joints people give me. | ||
| I don't really do coke, but people give me coke a lot. | ||
| I don't do anyone's drugs that they give me. | ||
| I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to pass. | ||
| Yeah, I don't smoke weed with people anymore. | ||
| I had a guy in Cleveland that wanted to, he looked like a cop, like completely looked like a cop, and he was asking me where to get DMT. And I was like, what? | ||
| And he was like a fit-looking guy with a crew cut who was like real sketchy. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, man, where can I get some DMT? I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| And I'm like looking at him, he's like, come on, man, you know. | ||
| And I go, I don't know. | ||
| Why don't you tell me what you know? | ||
| I go, what are you talking about, man? | ||
| What are you, a cop? | ||
| And he looked at me, and next thing you know, he's gone. | ||
| It was real sketchy, and I was like, I can't be getting high with people. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know people. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| You run into someone, and they put anything in your joint. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| It could be angel dust. | ||
| And I know a guy that happened, too. | ||
| He got slipped angel dust in his weed. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, I had a comic. | ||
| I've had comics. | ||
| I'm the go-to when comics get in trouble on the road. | ||
| I always get the phone call going, hey, man, I need to run something by you. | ||
| I'm freaked out. | ||
| Something happened to me. | ||
| Has this ever happened to you? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I had a comic call me when I was in D.C. He was like, hey, man, I got slipped something last night, and I'm still a little sketchy, but I want to just run it by you. | ||
| I know that this stuff's happened to you. | ||
| And I talked to him. | ||
| We talked for about an hour. | ||
| And then he was like, alright, I gotta go to the show. | ||
| I appreciate it, man. | ||
| I feel like a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one this happened to. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, you know... | ||
| People can do it if they're... | ||
| You never know someone's motivations. | ||
| I mean, you could... | ||
| It's nice to believe that almost everybody you meet is great. | ||
| And most people you all... | ||
| Look, you could live your life and never meet one single sick fuck who wants a roofie. | ||
| You could be really lucky. | ||
| Or you could run into one the first night you decide to take drinks from people. | ||
| That's happened to a lot of people, especially women. | ||
| I know so many women who have been drugged. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So many. | ||
| Girls I've dated, girls who are friends with people I've dated, girls who are dating friends of mine got drugged at a bar. | ||
| It's so fucking common. | ||
| Every girl... | ||
| When she gets a drink from a bar, has to literally keep her eye on the drink. | ||
| She gets it from the bartender, or if somebody gives it to her, boy, you're already taking a chance. | ||
| You've already lost the chain of custody, right? | ||
| Some guy grabs it from the bartender. | ||
| Who knows what he did before he gives it to you? | ||
| And there's a bunch of twisted fucking men out there, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's fucked up people everywhere, but there is a lot of fucked up men. | ||
| I think, we've been talking about this a lot, this Bill Cosby thing, that I think that that was a part of what men did back then. | ||
| Oh, it was super common. | ||
| Hugh Hefner used to call them panty droppers. | ||
| This is like noted. | ||
| Like, oh, there was nothing wrong with giving a girl a quaalude. | ||
| It's a panty dropper. | ||
| Some girl wrote a book and said that when she first met Hef, he offered her a quaalude. | ||
| Yeah, but see, here's one thing. | ||
| Do you want a Quaalude? | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| And you give someone a Quaalude and they take it, and then they're fucked up. | ||
| It's another thing to give someone a Quaalude when they don't know what they're taking. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I think he did that a lot. | ||
| And I think that was, they used to call it slipping someone a Mickey. | ||
| Yeah, Bill Cosby. | ||
| And that's a different animal. | ||
| And there's another thing, giving someone something because you want to fuck them and they don't want to fuck you. | ||
| Like, oh, you don't want to fuck me? | ||
| Hey, you want a Quaalude? | ||
| And now you're going to fuck me because now you're like... | ||
| You know, it's just something really fucked up about wanting that. | ||
| I kind of say out loud with all the sexual harassment, all the dirt that's going around, I go, how did I dodge? | ||
| Is it because I got married younger? | ||
| But I just never was into that. | ||
| Well, first of all, you're not a producer who's holding employment over someone's head and trying to get them to suck your dick. | ||
| There is a big difference between... | ||
| Having you know unsavory male behavior that would be difficult to defend because you're trying to get laid versus What you're seeing it what people are furious about rightly so is predatory behavior by a person who's in power affecting someone's employment and career right is I was talking with Whitney Cummings about this. | ||
| And, you know, because Whitney, obviously, she's a female, prominent actress, comedian, you know, she's been... | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, and she knows a lot of these people. | ||
| And she was saying, what you're not hearing is how many women sucked his dick and got a big part. | ||
| Sucked his dick and made it into a movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a negotiating tactic. | ||
| Like, he was just... | ||
| That's how he dated. | ||
| I mean, that's how he got laid. | ||
| It's like straight-up predatory shit. | ||
| And then her friend had a really good point. | ||
| She was like, what's fucked up about it is not that he did it. | ||
| She goes, obviously that's fucked up. | ||
| But what's also fucked up is that that was the culture. | ||
| That's what those guys did. | ||
| Before there was the internet, before there was any accountability at all, like in the 70s and the 60s, that is what all those guys did. | ||
| That's what they did like in a lot of those starlets that's how that's you got to pay to play and that's what they did They had to fuck these guys like that's literally how it all went down. | ||
| It's crazy I always thought that I always thought that whenever I got something like Elliot Gould and I did a pilot together and he left his number in my in my dressing room He's like we should go to dinner one night. | ||
| I was like, I'm gonna have to fuck him No, I kept dodging him. | ||
| I kept dodging him. | ||
| He'd call and he'd be like, Bert, it's Elliot. | ||
| I still would like to take you to a seafood dinner. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| So then we went to seafood dinner down in Venice. | ||
| It was just dinner. | ||
| It was really nice. | ||
| And we talked about art. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a nice guy. | |
| He's a really sweet guy. | ||
| Even at the end of the night, I was like, you're not going to try to kiss me or anything? | ||
| Bert, I'm not really into bears. | ||
| He was such a sweet guy, and then randomly I saw him like five years later, or maybe more than that, maybe eight years later, and I had Georgia and Isla, and I was with Leanne, and I was with Leanne's dad, and we were walking from Baja Fresh by the Screen Actors Guild. | ||
| We were walking out of Baja Fresh, and Elliot saw me, and he was like, Bert, it's Elliot! | ||
| And I was like, hey, Elliot! | ||
| And my wife's dad's like, you know Elliot Gould? | ||
| And I was like, he gave me, we were in this pilot together, and He was playing a blind guy. | ||
| And we were doing pickups. | ||
| We just couldn't get the line right. | ||
| The line was that the girl came in. | ||
| Liz Vassie came in. | ||
| She was the bride. | ||
| We were about to get married. | ||
| And she sees us all drinking. | ||
| I'm the best man. | ||
| And she's like, hey, wait, can I have a beer? | ||
| And then I'm supposed to go, of course. | ||
| That's all I had to say. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But I wasn't getting the of course right. | ||
| They wanted, of course, to really navigate that me and her were cool. | ||
| They wanted to make sure that we were cool. | ||
| The whole network's there. | ||
| CBS is all there. | ||
| It's like 11.30 at night. | ||
| We've shot the pilot. | ||
| We just need this pickup. | ||
| I did it like 12 times, and then Elliot is a blind guy behind me. | ||
| And he leans into my head and he goes, Bert, how would you say it? | ||
| And I said, what do you mean? | ||
| He goes, say it the way you'd say it. | ||
| Then just stands back up. | ||
| So she comes in. | ||
| She goes, hey, can I have a beer? | ||
| I go, is a duck's ass watertight? | ||
| Get over here. | ||
| And everyone laughs. | ||
| Gets a big laugh. | ||
| And then the director comes up. | ||
| Gets right up to my face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, hey, you're fucking me in the fucking ass right now. | |
| Do you understand me? | ||
| You are fucking me in the fucking ass. | ||
| You will never work again. | ||
| And he walks away. | ||
| Elliot's standing by him and he goes, sorry. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You will never work again! | ||
| The poor guy was losing his mind. | ||
| But still. | ||
| I mean, it's not the same thing as the sexual harassment, but there's this thing of the power over you. | ||
| The power to, like, literally hold your career hostage. | ||
| You will never work again. | ||
| That's always the big threat. | ||
| I mean, how many people have you heard were blackballed? | ||
| Right? | ||
| You always hear that. | ||
| You always hear, like, Brett Butler was blackballed. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| She used to be Grace Under Fire. | ||
| She used to be on that show. | ||
| And by the way, let's just talk about the side stories you'd hear about Brett Butler that they'd share when you were young and you'd go into a meeting. | ||
| You don't want to turn into Brett Butler. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sitting up, locking yourself up in a tree, throwing oranges at everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| I can't talk about it. | ||
| And then you're like, what the fuck kind of crazy person is Brett Butler? | ||
| I met Brett Butler doing Good Morning America one time. | ||
| She was the sweetest person in the world. | ||
| Well, she went through some shit, apparently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she's been pretty open about it. | ||
| You know, and she did Charlie Sheen's newer show, the newer show. | ||
| And in the newer show, like, she was kind of, like, that was part of the premise. | ||
| Like, she was a bartender. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was kind of alluding to the fact that she had made some gigantic mistakes and it was kind of like a play to her, like to who she actually was. | ||
| But she was on that show, Grace Under Fire, and Chuck Lorre, the same guy that did Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen, was the guy running it. | ||
| And she threw a drink in his face. | ||
| And said something horrible and nasty. | ||
| I don't know what she said. | ||
| I don't want to misquote, but it was something along the lines of, you know, no wonder why your wife left you if you write like this. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Look, I've seen it. | ||
| People lose their fucking mind when they go from being no one to, in a short amount of time, being the star. | ||
| It's Grace Under Fire with Brett Butler. | ||
| It's Roseanne. | ||
| Roseanne talked about it when she was on the podcast. | ||
| She was saying, I lost my fucking mind. | ||
| I went crazy. | ||
| Roseanne's the best, by the way. | ||
| You ever meet her? | ||
| Yeah, I met her a long time ago. | ||
| Dude, she's fucking awesome. | ||
| I love that lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love her. | ||
| But she was talking about it. | ||
| She's like, I went crazy. | ||
| She goes, you know, all of a sudden I went from being this housewife, you know, having no money, to being the star of this giant sitcom that was like, at the time, when she was on Roseanne, what was it, like four channels? | ||
| And that was a legit good show. | ||
| Giant show! | ||
| John Goodman's her fucking husband. | ||
| That fucking show was giant. | ||
| She was the queen of the world. | ||
| They're redoing that. | ||
| I know, and Whitney Cummings is the executive producer. | ||
| My buddy's producing it. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, dude, it's so much fucking fun. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| He talks about the writing staff is like Norm MacDonald, Morgan Murphy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, just killers. | ||
| Killers. | ||
| Killers. | ||
| But, you know, but Roseanne is in a position that you and I will never be in. | ||
| Because it's not even possible to be in that position anymore. | ||
| Because there's so many more stars now. | ||
| Because there's so many more venues, there's so many more channels. | ||
| Like you were just talking about, we were talking about Impractical Jokers. | ||
| Think about those guys who are giant right now, right? | ||
| Those guys are on TruTV. | ||
| What the fuck is TruTV? | ||
| Who the hell's even watching that, right? | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| They made it through on TruTV, right? | ||
| Sebastian's a giant star. | ||
| From what? | ||
| From fucking Showtime. | ||
| Who the hell saw that coming, right? | ||
| Only since Gallagher. | ||
| Gallagher was the last guy to get giant through Showtime. | ||
| And now it's Sebastian, right? | ||
| Top ten comics in the country making money, Sebastian. | ||
| But think about all the different possibilities, all the different YouTube stars, all the different cable shows, all the different, you know, there's so many Netflix shows, so many stand-up specials. | ||
| It's a different world now. | ||
| When Roseanne was a star, she was one of maybe 20 stars, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Now there's 20,000. | ||
| It's a different world. | ||
| It is, but I think the hubris still rides with it. | ||
| I know I'm guilty of it at times. | ||
| But you can get carried away, and also the pressure of a show rides on your back, too. | ||
| That's another thing to take into consideration. | ||
| You have all these other people that are around you, and they all have their own little thing, and they're fucking with you, and it erodes your own concentration and your own vision, and sometimes it's like, hey, hey, hey, it's my fucking show! | ||
| It's the Bert Kreischer Experience! | ||
| We're gonna do it my way! | ||
| Everybody shut the fuck up! | ||
| Give me a drink! | ||
| You know, I mean, that's how it all starts. | ||
| I mean, that's probably what happened with Charlie Sheen. | ||
| You know, that's probably what happens with a lot of these people. | ||
| They just get whacked out. | ||
| And I think also there's a... | ||
| There's a thing that happens, too, when you do a bad show. | ||
| It's a particular type of off-the-rails. | ||
| When you know you're doing an unsatisfying bad show, and I think that was one of the things that was happening to Charlie Sheenman, who's on Two and a Half Men, because that was a bad show. | ||
| And he was a great actor. | ||
| Platoon! | ||
| Wall Street! | ||
| I mean, go back and look at his catalog of films that he was in. | ||
| Amazing movies. | ||
| Charlie Sheen was legit. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he's delivering these hacky punchlines to a canned laugh machine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| And he's just doing blow. | ||
| And he's got HIV. And he's just fucking... | ||
| Who knows what he's doing. | ||
| How did he even get HIV? I mean, he might be the... | ||
| If he got it through straight sex, he might be the only guy ever. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| Yeah, like literally. | ||
| Who else, you know? | ||
| They say Magic Johnson. | ||
| They say Tommy Morrison. | ||
| I've heard some things. | ||
| Everybody have heard some things. | ||
| I mean, I think, who knows? | ||
| Who knows what people are doing? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| But it ain't a whole lot of guys. | ||
| It's a tiny little handful. | ||
| Sam Kinison used to have a bit about it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You know, they say Sam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They say AIDS. AIDS is a communicable disease. | |
| Heterosexuals die of it too. | ||
| He goes, name one! | ||
| Name one fucking guy! | ||
| Name one! | ||
| It's not our dance! | ||
| It's not our dance! | ||
| It's not our fucking dance! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was one of his bits that got him really, really criticized. | |
| But then people were like, wait a minute, is he right? | ||
| I had some people from the CDC come to my show in Atlanta one time, and we were joking around, and I said something about, like, tell me about diseases. | ||
| I was trying to think of a bit. | ||
| Like trying to like pick their brains for something. | ||
| And the guy goes, I'll tell you one joke we have. | ||
| I said, what's that? | ||
| And he goes, you know what we call a straight guy with AIDS? I said, what? | ||
| And he goes, a liar. | ||
| I went, wow. | ||
| Well, he could be an intravenous drug user. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you could. | ||
| I had two uncles die from HIV, but I think it was drugs. | ||
| There's that, and there's also the medication they give the people. | ||
| That was apparently a giant issue in the 80s and the 90s, was that AZT that they were giving them. | ||
| AZT apparently used to be a chemotherapy medication, but it was killing people quicker than cancer was. | ||
| So they stopped giving it to cancer patients. | ||
| And there was a lot of real confusion when AIDS first came about. | ||
| I remember there was some local story, some story in Boston about some scientist was trying to say that AIDS was a derivative of the herpes virus. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't know what the fuck it was when it first burst on the scene. | ||
| And by the way, dude, everybody thought they had it. | ||
| I'm older than you, but I got my first... | ||
| Blood test for HIV in 1993, and I was shitting my pants. | ||
| I was thinking about every one night stand on the road, every freaky girl, like, let's do shots. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're raw dog in some dirty hotel room. | ||
| And like, oh my God, am I going to die? | ||
| You know, you start thinking. | ||
| I was so scared. | ||
| So scared. | ||
| And then when it came back clean, I was like, and I was like, I'm only going to wear condoms from here on out. | ||
| It's a good, clean bill of health. | ||
| I got mine in 95, my first AIDS test. | ||
| Oh, it's so nice, right? | ||
| Oh, it's terrifying. | ||
| And by the way, I'd only been with two chicks, ever. | ||
| But one of the girls had slept around with a lot of guys. | ||
| Oh, that bitch! | ||
| And gave me the clap. | ||
| Did she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'd only been with two chicks, and I got the clap. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Did you ever get crabs? | ||
| Nah, I went straight to the clap. | ||
| The doctor, I went into the doctor. | ||
| She just got back from Russia. | ||
| She slept with my best friend. | ||
| Was one of the guys. | ||
| She had slept with a few. | ||
| I get the clap. | ||
| It's burning. | ||
| I go into the doctor, and I'm like, I'm having a burning sensation, and I'm trying to get in front of this. | ||
| I'm like, you know, I did a hike in Switzerland, and I drank out of a trough, so I was probably through that. | ||
| And he was like, nah. | ||
| Did you fuck a cow? | ||
| He goes... | ||
| He goes, uh, you got the clap. | ||
| Have you been fucking around? | ||
| By the way, now, like I was 22 at the time, now I realize this guy was probably just 27. You know, he wasn't a grown-up. | ||
| He was just a kid. | ||
| And he goes, uh, have you been fucking around? | ||
| I said, I just got back from Europe. | ||
| I hadn't had sex with anybody. | ||
| He's like, oh, your girlfriend's cheating on you. | ||
| And I was like, no, I don't think so. | ||
| Isn't it funny to them? | ||
| It's like so obvious and objective. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it's like, come on, man. | ||
| Your girlfriend, it happens all the time. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Not Magdalene. | ||
| Magdalene, she's a rose. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| She's the light of my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, impossible. | |
| Impossible. | ||
| He goes, well, let me ask you a question. | ||
| When you go to a bar, do you and your dick split up so we can cover more territory? | ||
| I was like, excuse me? | ||
| He goes, when you go to a bar, when you go to Young's, you and your dick take off in different territories to cover more surface area, and then meet up at the end of the night and go, oh, this is who we fucked. | ||
| I go, no. | ||
| And he goes, then your girlfriend's cheating on you. | ||
| She's a whore, man. | ||
| Get rid of her. | ||
| She's a whore? | ||
| He said she's a whore? | ||
| I remember being like, I thought he was a grown-up. | ||
| Now I know he's just a kid. | ||
| He's just a kid. | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| And I was like, that's impossible. | ||
| He goes, listen, man, I can give you the test. | ||
| I can give you the test if you want, or I can just give you the medication and you can get rid of it. | ||
| And I was like, give me the test. | ||
| I'm telling you, she's not. | ||
| And then he did that. | ||
| Have you ever had the test where they put the Q-tip in your dick? | ||
| You've never had that? | ||
| No. | ||
| It is one of the most painful things I've ever felt in my entire fucking life. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Puts the Q-tip... | ||
| How far down? | ||
| Down. | ||
| He swabs it. | ||
| He swabs. | ||
| Ooh, how deep? | ||
| Halfway, I guess. | ||
| So two inches? | ||
| Well, I mean, halfway from me is like probably nine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a joke. | |
| That was a joke. | ||
| I didn't get it. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Probably about an inch. | ||
| It was soft! | ||
| He goes in and swabs it, and as soon as he... | ||
| He told me, he goes, grab onto the side of the table, it's gonna hurt. | ||
| And as soon as he did it, I was like, she's a whore! | ||
| Fuck her, she's a whore! | ||
| I had an ex-girlfriend who went away. | ||
| She went to spring break and came back with rug burn on her back. | ||
| On her lower back. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| She gave me some cockamamie story about she was drinking and she rubbed up against a nail. | ||
| She was drinking and leaning up against a fence. | ||
| Like, you rubbed up against a nail all over your lower back? | ||
| What are you, a bear? | ||
| Just Drunk you'd have to be to scratch up your lower back on a nail. | ||
| Oh Like, it was the dumbest excuse ever, and I was like, okay. | ||
| Oh, that same girl, we went to New Orleans to Mardi Gras. | ||
| I was with my buddies, my buddy Mike Osborne. | ||
| I was with all my buddies. | ||
| It was the first time I ever did coke. | ||
| We're all partying, having a great time, and they're like, bro, you gotta make out with some chicks. | ||
| I go, no, man, I got a girlfriend. | ||
| I'm not going to. | ||
| And they're like, you don't have any beads. | ||
| I go, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm not gonna cheat on her. | ||
| And then we run into her and she is covered in fucking beads. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| And my buddies are like, how do you think she got those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, sometimes I just give them to girls. | |
| Oh, sadness. | ||
| Thank God for those. | ||
| Those are good to get out of your system. | ||
| Dude, get those. | ||
| I'm so much more grateful for my wife because she's not that type of person. | ||
| I'm glad I had those. | ||
| Well, it's good to lower your expectations, too, because imagine if you married your high school sweetheart, you met when you were 16, you fell in love, she broke your virginity, you broke hers, and then one day when you're 35, you come home and she's getting gorilla fucked by her personal trainer. | ||
| Who looks like Emmett Smith, and he's just stuffing her into the corner of a couch and just fucking hammering it. | ||
| You walk in the house, it smells like pussy. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| It smells like pussy and assholes in here. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| And you hear... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she's like... | |
| Making a noise you've never heard. | ||
| And you walk in the room right when he's jizzing in her face. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Imagine the heartbreak. | ||
| See now like having gone, you know what happened to me? | ||
| There's a girl that I was dating We weren't like kind of I don't think we were like we weren't like boyfriend and girlfriend We were definitely having sex and fooling around and I think I was 17 at the time And she was 16. And I used to have a paper route where I'd get up in the morning and deliver papers. | ||
| And I would deliver papers every day, 365 days a year. | ||
| So I was up at... | ||
| Four o'clock in the morning on Sunday. | ||
| Sunday was the big day. | ||
| So Saturday night, people are out drinking. | ||
| They're still out. | ||
| I'm getting up in the morning and I'm leaving, right? | ||
| So it avoided a lot of nonsense in my life. | ||
| Like as far as partying when I was younger, I barely partied when I was in high school. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I was fighting. | ||
| I was fighting and I was getting up in the morning and delivering newspapers. | ||
| So those two things just knocked out all the booze. | ||
| It was a few moments. | ||
| One or two times at parties, a handful of times maybe I drank and smoked a joint or something. | ||
| But most of the time, squeaky clean. | ||
| Just worried about, you know, being hungover and getting my ass kicked and training and stuff like that. | ||
| So yeah, it was a fucked up childhood, but it worked out. | ||
| But anyway, I get up at 4 o'clock in the morning and go deliver newspapers. | ||
| I go outside. | ||
| This girl that I was dating is making out with one of my friends in the front seat of a car. | ||
| They're both fucked up right in front of my house. | ||
| Because the guy was my friend. | ||
| He was also friends with my sister, and my sister was friends with the girl. | ||
| And so the two of them were in a small town. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Newton Upper Falls. | ||
| We live in a small town just outside of Boston. | ||
| And they're making out right in front of my house. | ||
| So I'm like, I'm awake, sober. | ||
| I'm looking at them. | ||
| They're probably drunk. | ||
| They're in the car. | ||
| Grabbing tits and dicks and shit like that. | ||
| And I just slam my hand on the hood and I went, ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they both looked at me like... | |
| Then I got in the car and drove off. | ||
| Oh, shut up. | ||
| Yeah, but it was good. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| I was like, good. | ||
| Okay, because I wasn't sure. | ||
| Like, are we dating? | ||
| Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? | ||
| Like, I want to be your girlfriend. | ||
| Are we going to do this? | ||
| Are we going to be boyfriend and girlfriend? | ||
| It was that kind of thing. | ||
| Like, are we dating? | ||
| Are we just fooling around? | ||
| We were definitely having sex. | ||
| But it was like, I just stopped having this one girlfriend that I had. | ||
| I didn't know if I wanted a girlfriend anymore. | ||
| It was like a lot of weird shit when you're 17. But it's good to just see that early. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| Like, it's good to just be devastated. | ||
| Like, when I was 18, the girl that I was dating, she moved away. | ||
| She moved to the other side of the state, and I went to visit her. | ||
| And I drove all the way to visit her, and when I got there, she didn't want to have sex with me. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| She was very manipulative. | ||
| She was a very... | ||
| Obviously, she's 17. People are weird when they're that age, right? | ||
| But she was just clearly knowing that I wanted it and just deciding not to. | ||
| But now... | ||
| That was a super valuable lesson of being like a needy weirdo. | ||
| You know, because when you're 18, you're so needy and just, you can be annoying. | ||
| And if one person wants something too much, it turns the other person off. | ||
| You know, it's like it becomes this weird little thing that you do. | ||
| Dude, not to segue into a very creepy area, but like saying that, I've been going through this a little bit. | ||
| My oldest daughter is starting to grow up. | ||
| And she doesn't need us as much. | ||
| I mean, it goes from being like this little girl that just everything. | ||
| Dad, let's go on a bike ride. | ||
| Dad, let's go have a catch in the front yard. | ||
| To like, hey George, let's go on a bike ride. | ||
| She's like, I'm busy. | ||
| How old now? | ||
| Thirteen. | ||
| Yeah, that's when it happens. | ||
| Hormones, man. | ||
| Yeah, and it's been... | ||
| I think I naturally tend to that needy guy of going like... | ||
| And I said to my wife, I said, I'm not handling this properly. | ||
| Because I get angry. | ||
| I go, come on. | ||
| I called her the other day. | ||
| I go, after the Rams game, I go, hey, we're going over to the Hayslips. | ||
| And she was like, 13. And she goes, this is the first time hearing of this. | ||
| And I go, what do you mean? | ||
| You're my fucking kid. | ||
| I will meet you there. | ||
| She goes, dad, it's a school night. | ||
| It's an early night. | ||
| We should probably... | ||
| And I go, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Like, she just wants her distance. | ||
| She wants to be home. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, reading a book or texting with her... | ||
| Well, she wants her own personal sovereignty. | ||
| She wants to be able to control her own life, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I was like, there's got to be a dad's book out there of, like, how you deal with your child not wanting to be around you. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I used to do this thing where I'd drop them off and I'd just yell I love you until they couldn't hear me anymore. | ||
| Until they were far away. | ||
| I'd just go, I love you! | ||
| And this guy, I love you, I love you! | ||
| And other kids would be staring at him. | ||
| She said to me the other day, she goes, hey, why do you do that? | ||
| I was like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't like it? | ||
| She goes, there's kids that don't know me that don't know that it's a joke. | ||
| It would be better if you didn't do that. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| I've been doing this since she was a little girl. | ||
| And I was just like, alright. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I can see how that was creepy. | ||
| And I was like, fuck, man. | ||
| You can't do that when they're 30. I love you! | ||
| Like, Dad, Dad, my kids are gonna wake up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your dad loves you! | ||
| But there is this needy dude in me that I do feel like it's part of a breakup. | ||
| You know when you go on a breakup and you love someone? | ||
| They're like, I just need my space. | ||
| And you'd be like, but hold on, does this mean we don't go to the movies anymore or something? | ||
| And you'd start panicking. | ||
| I started having that with my daughter and I said to my wife, I go, just so you know, I'm not processing her independence well. | ||
| Like, I just, part of me wants her to need me, you know? | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| And she doesn't know that she needs me. | ||
| She wants, and totally healthy for her to establish herself as her own person and do her own stuff, but man, all I can see is it's just going to get harder. | ||
| Well, there's one thing to take into consideration that you really can't fix, and that's you're on the road a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, when kids are not around you all the time, and then when you're there, you're really overbearing. | ||
| It's like, hey, I'm used to my own space, and now you're fucking with me, and you're yelling I love you at school, and stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Stop. | ||
| You're ruining my thing. | ||
| I'm working on my thing, and you're stepping in and fucking it up. | ||
| And it's like, you know, I don't think about the product I put out. | ||
| I don't think that there's videos of me in Speedos. | ||
| I don't think of that stuff, but I'm sure that there's kids in her school that have Googled me and said something. | ||
| I can't imagine what kind of footprint I leave behind that she's got to sweep up and go. | ||
| And I'd never thought about that shit before, but now I'm starting to realize it. | ||
| Like I said at the end of the day, Georgia goes, I want to watch... | ||
| I want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 5, the last one, the six, whatever. | ||
| And Isla's like, I don't want to watch that. | ||
| And we start fighting about it. | ||
| And I just want us to be together as a family. | ||
| Stone sober, obviously. | ||
| And I have a moment of fucking honesty. | ||
| I go, hey, I feel like I fucked things up because I was on the road for seven years, okay? | ||
| I feel like I should have never done Tribal Channel. | ||
| I will always feel that way. | ||
| I will always feel that regret. | ||
| But these are the moments that I need in my life where we can all be a family. | ||
| And if you guys don't want to have it because I was gone for so long, I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But understand that if someone can just give an inch so that we can just hang out and watch this movie, it would mean a lot to me. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm going to the store. | ||
| I'm going to get fish. | ||
| I'll be back. | ||
| And Georgia just pops up and she goes, I'll go to the store with you. | ||
| And I was like, aww. | ||
| And then Isla's like, well now I want to go to the store! | ||
| So we go to the store together. | ||
| That's a good way to handle it, though. | ||
| I mean, look, you can't fix the past, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't, man. | |
| But you can acknowledge that maybe it wasn't ideal. | ||
| And that's a great thing, man, to have that kind of honesty. | ||
| Because that's a great lesson to your kid. | ||
| That, you know, like, if you have made mistakes, don't pretend you haven't. | ||
| Don't gloss over it. | ||
| Just talk about it. | ||
| Like, talk about your feelings honestly. | ||
| I mean, I think a lot of us were frustrated by the way we were raised in that regard. | ||
| That your parents never... | ||
| I mean, I don't know anybody ever saying they did anything wrong. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| My dad never once said I'm sorry. | ||
| They didn't say that. | ||
| Nobody said that back then. | ||
| Just shut the fuck up and go outside. | ||
| That's what you heard. | ||
| Nobody taught you anything. | ||
| It's just like what you did. | ||
| Parents went to school, or parents went to work rather, and you went to school. | ||
| And then when you got home from school, there was nobody there. | ||
| You had a key. | ||
| You let yourself in the house. | ||
| And you fucking figured it out, stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, there's none of that today, man. | ||
| You learn how to make one meal and that's what you ate all the time because that's what you made yourself. | ||
| Mine was a frog in a hole where you put the hole in the bread and put an egg in the middle of the bread and then you flip it. | ||
| You ever had that? | ||
| No. | ||
| You ever had that, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't call it that, though. | |
| What do you call it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eye of something or other, I forget. | |
| Yeah, it's really great. | ||
| It's the only thing I knew how to make. | ||
| You just take a cup and you cut the center out of bread, and then you crack an egg and you do an egg inside that center, and you let it grill, and then you flip it over. | ||
| That was the only thing I knew how to make. | ||
| I must have eaten hundreds of those. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah, we used to have to cook, like, one night a week. | ||
| We'd have to cook. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For the whole family. | ||
| Yeah, when I was in high school. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where I learned how to cook. | ||
| Can I tell you, and I don't know if they're a sponsor of your podcast, but can I tell you, one of the things that keeps my family together is fucking Blue Apron. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Yeah, they're a sponsor. | ||
| The fact that they come in, and my kids will eat something different, and we cook a meal for four, and my daughters will be like, what is it tonight? | ||
| What's Blue Apron? | ||
| And we have dinner at least twice a week. | ||
| We get two meals from them a week. | ||
| At least twice a week we do a Blue Apron. | ||
| Well, the good thing about it is how easy it is, and there's no waste because everything is pre-portioned. | ||
| And the step-by-step photographic instructions makes it super easy. | ||
| It's a great service. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| They started selling wine. | ||
| They started sending wine out this month. | ||
| Fucking this month. | ||
| Is it just this month they started selling it? | ||
| For me. | ||
| They just started sending me wine. | ||
| Wine's nice, isn't it? | ||
| I really do like wine. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I did six months sober when I first started dating Leanne. | ||
| Yeah, you told me that. | ||
| You just wanted to be sober? | ||
| Wanted to be sober, and the first night I drank was in Venice. | ||
| Venice, Italy? | ||
| Venice, Italy. | ||
| We're there. | ||
| Tiny restaurant? | ||
| Tiny restaurant. | ||
| We're walking to the restaurant, and it starts snowing. | ||
| In Venice, it snows? | ||
| Two days after New Year's Eve, it starts snowing. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, this is fucking great. | ||
| So we go to dinner, and now it's dumping. | ||
| You see it out the window, it's dumping. | ||
| And Leanne's like, let's just get lost tonight. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, yeah. | ||
| And I go, I want a drink. | ||
| I want a cocktail. | ||
| I want a glass of wine. | ||
| I want to enjoy this. | ||
| And I said to her, I go, I really want a glass of wine. | ||
| She goes, have one. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Have one. | ||
| So I have a glass of wine, have a cup of glass of wine. | ||
| We go out and we get lost in the streets of Venice and we're just hopping in bar to bar having a glass of wine and then walking around. | ||
| One of the best nights of my fucking life. | ||
| And I was like, thank you, alcohol. | ||
| Well, isn't it different, though, in Italy? | ||
| Italy is really nice in that regard. | ||
| There's just a more relaxed atmosphere at restaurants, places that you go. | ||
| It's like a different feel. | ||
| We are making a mistake with the way we live our lives. | ||
| I think that the pressure to succeed, the hustle and bustle that people have is not counterbalanced in this country by relaxation and enjoyment and family time and a nice long meal and appreciating the rest. | ||
| We don't appreciate the rest. | ||
| We appreciate a person who sleeps three hours a night and fucking is just hustling all day long, constantly hustling, hustling. | ||
| There's something to hard work and hustle. | ||
| But man, I think it should be counterbalanced and I always feel that when I go to Italy I mean we've gone to Italy my family two summers in a row and every time we go there it's just delicious food and relaxation and you're at the beach and sitting at the water and just having a couple of drinks and kicking back and it's like my whole being just It feels like all the bullshit just goes away. | ||
| I don't pay attention to the fucking news. | ||
| I don't pay attention to shit. | ||
| I tell my manager, my agent, you can't get a hold of me. | ||
| I'm gone. | ||
| I'm gone for seven, eight days, whatever it is, just leave me alone, whatever it is, put the fire out, and I'm just going to be eating pasta. | ||
| And just go to these churches, check out these beautiful places. | ||
| You know, we went to the Colosseum one year. | ||
| The next year we went to some beautiful church in Ravello. | ||
| And you just see all these amazing places where you're just seeing places that are a thousand plus years old and food that's just fucking incredible. | ||
| You're eating sardines that are fresh right out of the water and potpies. | ||
| Pasta with squid and the wine. | ||
| And you're just not thinking about anything but just laughing and relaxing. | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| Look, I'm as go, go, go as anybody. | ||
| But I'm learning as I get older that you've got to also have... | ||
| You've got to balance that out. | ||
| And you can't... | ||
| You can't, like, have that other shit on reserve while you're relaxing. | ||
| You can't, like, be checking your phone and checking your Twitter and checking your email constantly. | ||
| You gotta slide that bitch aside. | ||
| You gotta leave it in the room in the safe. | ||
| You gotta do something. | ||
| You gotta just not pay attention. | ||
| You gotta just somehow or another figure out a way to let go. | ||
| And it's taken me a while to learn how to do that, man. | ||
| I was always like, if you're not moving forward, you're falling behind. | ||
| That's always been my thought process. | ||
| I have this fucked up, aggressive, competitive thought process. | ||
| Do more than the next guy. | ||
| That's how you get ahead. | ||
| That's not always the case, especially in our business, which is so dependent upon creativity and the mind. | ||
| And I think your mind, you want your mind to be in a good place. | ||
| My mind is always in the best place when I have good relationships with my friends and my family. | ||
| That's when my mind's in the best place. | ||
| That's the most important shit. | ||
| To cultivate that is the most important thing. | ||
| But a lot of times we think the most important thing is like financial success. | ||
| The most important thing is this or that. | ||
| These things, get that in order. | ||
| You know, oh, we're going to get a new house or we're going to get a new thing or this and that. | ||
| That's all bullshit. | ||
| Like those things aren't bad to have or as a goal, but clearly your base has got to be I hate to sound corny, but it's got to be things, matters of the heart. | ||
| It's got to be friends and loved ones and family. | ||
| It's got to be your children and your wife and your mom and the people that you care about, like those people, like have good times with those people, like happiness. | ||
| You have to have that. | ||
| If you do not have that, all that other stuff is bullshit. | ||
| If you don't have friends that love you and you love them and you're legitimately happy to see them and you have laughs together and fun together, then all the money in the world won't mean anything. | ||
| You will have a zero happiness register. | ||
| You will register zero pleasure from any financial success if you and your best friends hate each other. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's just you can't have that. | ||
| And a lot of selfish people lose track of that. | ||
| They don't understand how important the tribe is, how important community is. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| I didn't at all. | ||
| I didn't understand that at all. | ||
| Up until this month. | ||
| This month? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, I have been at a full fucking pace, at a full clip this entire year. | ||
| Starting from when we did that weight loss challenge to when you guys, that Australian tour... | ||
| I've been at a full fucking pace, and I had a couple realizations. | ||
| One of them was, if I don't talk to Joey Diaz in like a month, then I'm working too hard. | ||
| Dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I think Christina said the same thing to me when I did their podcast. | ||
| She's like, you're working too much. | ||
| I'm working every fucking week. | ||
| I feel like I'm very blessed to be in this situation that people want to see me do comedy, so I'm like, fuck, I'm in there every fucking week. | ||
| And Joey was like, dog, I do two weeks a month, that's it. | ||
| If I can't spend time with my family and do my fucking podcast, who gives a fuck? | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| You know, and he just fucking lights up. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I'm working too hard. | ||
| I'm working way too hard. | ||
| Yeah, that's my schedule. | ||
| My schedule's two weeks a month. | ||
| I've been saying that forever. | ||
| That's all I want to do. | ||
| Two weekends a month. | ||
| People say, oh, you're going on tour. | ||
| When do you leave? | ||
| I'm like, when do I leave? | ||
| I leave Thursday? | ||
| I'm back on Monday. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I don't go for very long. | ||
| I usually leave Friday morning, and I'm back on Sunday. | ||
| I'm not touring. | ||
| I'm not going to go somewhere for 30 days. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| I am doing that coming up. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| I'm doing two tours this year. | ||
| One's like a legit... | ||
| The first one's, I think, starting in June. | ||
| It's the Callin' Sick to Work Tour. | ||
| And I think I'm going to do it with two other comics. | ||
| We've got a tour bus, and we're going to do some venues. | ||
| Did you organize it already? | ||
| We're in the process. | ||
| Why, if you've already decided that two weeks a month is better? | ||
| Because I don't do what you guys do. | ||
| So you and Tom tour very differently than I do, because you guys are doing theaters, so you can add shows, and it's a big deal. | ||
| And you're getting a lot more bang for your buck, I think, when you do a theater. | ||
| I'm still doing clubs. | ||
| I think the money's probably... | ||
| The money's different. | ||
| You're getting a higher percentage, but you've got to be there fucking Wednesday night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, fly home Monday. | ||
| And those just add up into like fucking... | ||
| You don't have to do that. | ||
| You don't have to do that. | ||
| I never did that. | ||
| I stopped doing Wednesdays in like the 90s. | ||
| No, Wednesday. | ||
| I fly on Wednesday to do press on Thursday. | ||
| Yeah, stop doing that, too. | ||
| But I feel grateful for those places that had me in when I wasn't selling tickets. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| DC, I sold out a month ahead of time, but I go, fucking Elliot's my buddy. | ||
| He's been supporting me my whole career. | ||
| I will be there for Thursday morning press with him. | ||
| That's very nice of you. | ||
| That's very nice of you, but it's bad for your health. | ||
| Very bad for your health. | ||
| Why don't you call in? | ||
| Call in when you're on the road. | ||
| But what I'd like to do is like I would like to do go ahead and get with some of my friends get on a tour bus and not kill myself with the travel and do you know like straight out 14 dates, 10 dates, do the tour, make some money, and then go and be at the store and write. | ||
| Because that's what you guys do, and I never do the straight tours. | ||
| Yeah, but the straight tours, I just don't think they're healthy. | ||
| I don't like them. | ||
| They wear you out. | ||
| You're always tired. | ||
| You wake up in the morning like, fuck, you've got to get to the gym, get to the gym, get something to eat. | ||
| How many more hours before the show? | ||
| Two hours, I'm going to try to take a nap. | ||
| And then you always wind up being worn out. | ||
| And that's the thing. | ||
| I don't feel happy. | ||
| I feel happy when I'm home more. | ||
| I can't go 30 days. | ||
| I can't do 30 days. | ||
| The most I can do is, only this is because of a travel channel, but I can do two weeks. | ||
| And at the end of two weeks, I'm like, get me the fuck home. | ||
| A few years ago, I switched to just Fridays and Saturdays. | ||
| It was actually quite a while ago. | ||
| Maybe going on eight or nine years ago, but it was one of the best things I ever did. | ||
| I would think about doing Thursday and Sunday, and then you just feel like it's just taking up too much time. | ||
| I would rather do Friday and Saturday on the road and then come back home, and if I want to do a set Sunday, I'll do a fucking set at the store or the improv or something like that. | ||
| Just driving to town, have a good time, get home. | ||
| I just think there's a balance that you have to have. | ||
| We've all seen those guys that are older and really burnt out, and they just don't have any energy left for it anymore, and they feel like it's a burden instead of a pleasure. | ||
| When I go on the road now, it's a pleasure. | ||
| I'm taking most of this month off. | ||
| I did the 6th at the Mirage in Vegas. | ||
| I'm doing all the rest of the shows. | ||
| In Hollywood, I'm doing a shitload of shows. | ||
| I did two last night. | ||
| I did Largo, and then I did the store. | ||
| The night before, I did the improv. | ||
| Then I did two sets at the store. | ||
| So I'm doing a lot of comedy. | ||
| But I'm home. | ||
| You know, and I'm doing this. | ||
| Being home has been really enjoyable. | ||
| I go to Chicago in a week, and I'm excited because I'm going to be flying sober. | ||
| I'm excited for that. | ||
| I'm excited to do a week sober and do some hot yoga in Chicago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, nice. | |
| I'm excited for Chicago, but then... | ||
| But then I go, like, in November, it starts up hard again, and I'm like, I can't cancel, because I've already committed to these days. | ||
| I canceled Austin, and everyone lost their shit. | ||
| How'd you cancel it? | ||
| Why'd you cancel it? | ||
| Because we were doing this month, and it didn't show up in my calendar, and then it did one day. | ||
| I was like, uh-uh. | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| You canceled it because of the sober mic? | ||
| I canceled it because I was coming off of Australia, D.C. And then I would have gotten six days off and then gone right back on the road. | ||
| And I'm like, no, man, this is about getting healthy and getting my mind back about me. | ||
| And so, by the way, if you need to refund your money, just call the box office at Austin. | ||
| They'll refund your money. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| That's serious. | ||
| That's a serious choice, right? | ||
| I mean, I talk to Tom almost every day, and I talk to him a lot about this business. | ||
| I'm at the place where they're adding two Sunday shows, an extra Friday show, an extra Saturday show, another Thursday show. | ||
| Why don't you do theaters? | ||
| If you're doing all that, if you have all those shows. | ||
| I'm doing two theater tours next year. | ||
| Next year? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't like the money offer. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| The money offer for me... | ||
| Do you have a good manager? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll talk later. | ||
| I just left a meeting with her. | ||
| Yeah, she's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| The problem... | ||
| I didn't like the theater tour offers this year. | ||
| I mean, I'll be very candid. | ||
| The money was just shit. | ||
| And I was like, well, this is the one year I can make money. | ||
| I can make X amount of dollars at a club by getting 90% of the door and sell $30. | ||
| You can get some real money. | ||
| Or I can do theaters and it's about prestige for me. | ||
| It would be about, oh, I do theaters as opposed to... | ||
| That never meant jack shit to me. | ||
| But it does for some comics. | ||
| I think it's stupid. | ||
| I think it's ridiculous. | ||
| I literally had an agent tell me, now that you're doing theater, it's like you can't go back to clubs. | ||
| This was like years ago when I first started doing theaters. | ||
| It's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about, stupid? | ||
| I have to do clubs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, I do the Laughing Skull in Atlanta. | ||
| By the way, Ian Edwards is there this weekend. | ||
| Go see Ian Edwards, one of the best comics alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Laughing Skull. | ||
| It's only like 90 seats. | ||
| Less than that. | ||
| I think it's 88. Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know that because I stopped doing it because I couldn't make my money. | ||
| I did that two years ago. | ||
| Or maybe a year and a half ago. | ||
| I do everything. | ||
| I do little places. | ||
| I do the comedy works in Denver still. | ||
| Yeah, I do those. | ||
| I think you got to do those. | ||
| I think you got to do the little spots, man. | ||
| Utah. | ||
| I still do the Ice House constantly. | ||
| I did Wise Guys in Utah. | ||
| Yeah, I know you did that. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| I was there when they put those tickets on sale, and I think Keith came in. | ||
| He's like, uh, Sold out already? | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| He's like, your buddy Joe Rogan just sold out already? | ||
| Already? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Already? | |
| And just walked away. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| I think it's like working out. | ||
| I think you have to have weightlifting, but you also have to have yoga. | ||
| You have to have running, but you also should do something else. | ||
| I think you've got to have a balanced approach to stand-up. | ||
| And one of the things is intimate rooms. | ||
| Being right in front of people, you know, and then also not. | ||
| Sometimes being in a big-ass place, like I'm doing the Belco Theater in Denver, that's like 6,000 people. | ||
| That's the kind of place that, you know, you have the big show. | ||
| It's like, it's not intimate, but your act gets honed in all these other places to this razor-sharp edge, and then you go to that place, you just fucking send it home. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And the roars of like 6,000 people, it's crazy. | ||
| It's nice to go into a big theater and go, like, I'm doing the Wilbur, I think, in January or something. | ||
| I think I'm doing two shows. | ||
| And I think, like, what I love about that is you go in, and for me, I can do the hour I'm working on, the hour I have, the hour that's new, and then when they yell the machine, I go, it's a theater. | ||
| It's called an encore. | ||
| Of course I'll do it. | ||
| Thank you for coming to my show. | ||
| Oh, what about flying dildos? | ||
| Alright, guys, there's nothing after me. | ||
| You want flying dildos? | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| I always say, hey, listen, if you have babysitters and you need to go home, please leave. | ||
| You're not going to offend me. | ||
| I did my show, but these are for people, the hardcore fans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You've got to have a point in time where you've got to stop doing that story, though. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they can see it online. | ||
| Because, like, do you think that at a certain point in time, Bill Cosby should have stopped doing that Noah's Ark joke? | ||
| I never saw it, really. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll put it backwards. | ||
| How about Ron White? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ron White never did. | ||
| Tater salad. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can I tell you something? | ||
| What? | ||
| I really want to see him do it. | ||
| Go watch it online! | ||
| No, but I want to see Ron White tell it. | ||
| I want to see Ron White's new shit. | ||
| I do, too. | ||
| But if you said Ron White's going to do an hour of new material, and by the way, at the end, as an encore, he does tater salad, I'd be like, oh, sweet. | ||
| Somebody yelled out one of my shows recently, brrrr! | ||
| And I'm like, I can't do it anymore, man. | ||
| I don't even know how to do that bit. | ||
| I literally don't know how to do that bit. | ||
| I'd have to think about it. | ||
| I have to go over it. | ||
| When I'm done, I'm done. | ||
| I have to put that shit aside and move on. | ||
| But I think that story, that story for me, and by the way, I would love to not do the story. | ||
| I would love, like... | ||
| Then not stop doing it. | ||
| No, hold on, though. | ||
| That story, for me, is such a defining... | ||
| Like, it's the way a lot of people found me. | ||
| And for a lot of people, it's my nickname, it's everything about me. | ||
| It's when I go on stage, it's the first thing they're all yelling, is they're all yelling the machine. | ||
| Yeah, but they just love you, dude. | ||
| That's a great story. | ||
| But if you have other great stories, they'll love those, too. | ||
| I do an hour-plus of new material every show. | ||
| But, man... | ||
| You just love doing that. | ||
| I do not. | ||
| Okay, then don't do it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's why I'm looking forward to this theater tour. | ||
| The Wilbur is great. | ||
| I'm doing my Netflix special there. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm gonna do it there in April. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla. | |
| First time I did the Wilbur. | ||
| Boston, coming in, baby! | ||
| First time I did the Wilbur was a year ago. | ||
| It was right after the weight loss challenge. | ||
| Numbers were super slow. | ||
| Did the weight loss challenge. | ||
| Sold out the next day. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| So I go to the Wilbur and I'm like, this is fucking amazing. | ||
| This is a big fucking room. | ||
| I'd never performed in a room that big by myself. | ||
| Like, sold it myself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I was like, I want to see what it looks like from the top. | ||
| Like, I want to see, like, what they... | ||
| So I go up, climb up the top of the stairs. | ||
| Get up to the top, I go stick my head out, and I forget I'm the person everyone came to see. | ||
| And I cause a fucking nightmare of everyone like, holy shit, it's you! | ||
| What the fuck are you doing up here? | ||
| And then everyone leaves their seats. | ||
| You did that while you were at the show? | ||
| I was at the show, the fucking opening act on stage. | ||
| I just had never done that. | ||
| Like, I'd always been the guy that was the feature act, so I could go in the back and go, oh, this is beautiful. | ||
| I'd never been the guy. | ||
| And I fucking caused a shit show on the third floor. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, there's 900 people there, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| That's a great club, too, because it's three 300-seat comedy clubs, essentially. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's three levels, and it's like three 300-seat levels. | ||
| So it's like intimate comedy clubs, but there's three of them, and they're just stacked on top of each other. | ||
| So you just get roars, but they're also right there. | ||
| It's like one of the most intimate 900-seat venues you'll ever work at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was one of the best shows of my entire life. | ||
| Where I just was like, this is... | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| Bam, son. | ||
| Fucking love that place. | ||
| The Wilba. | ||
| I walked in right to that door on the left. | ||
| I walked right in that door and walked up like a fucking idiot. | ||
| There's a bar right up in between those two doors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| I was doing that place in the late 80s. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Wilbur Theater has two rooms. | ||
| It has this room, and it has another room that's downstairs, and that room used to be called Duck Soup, which is named after the Marx Brothers movie. | ||
| It's a hilarious movie. | ||
| I have never seen it. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I've never seen it. | ||
| It's all... | ||
| It's a type of comedy. | ||
| I don't know what it's called, but it's like... | ||
| Slapstick? | ||
| No, it's not even slapstick. | ||
| It's like, hey, how about a cigar? | ||
| And the guy's like, I don't have one. | ||
| He's like, no, go grab me one down the street, huh? | ||
| It's like that kind of... | ||
| I fucking thought the movie was funny as shit. | ||
| Like a period-style comedy. | ||
| You get a sense of the way the people thought. | ||
| Yeah, it's like... | ||
| Kitchy, almost. | ||
| Like misleading words. | ||
| Almost like airplane. | ||
| We gotta get this woman to a hospital. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hospital? | |
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, it's a building with a lot of windows. | ||
| But that's not important right now. | ||
| It's like that kind of comedy. | ||
| Yeah, like Gavin and Costello. | ||
| Who's on first? | ||
| What's on second? | ||
| I love Gavin and Costello. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, Duck Soup was an experiment that the owners of the Comedy Connection did. | ||
| This was back when they really thought that clean comedy was the future. | ||
| And so they decided to create an upscale comedy club. | ||
| A very upscale comedy club and serve really good food and have super squeaky clean acts perform there only. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| It didn't last. | ||
| Because it was like everybody's like what the fuck like guys like Steve Sweeney and guys like Lenny Clark who like you know, they had a lot of dirty jokes They couldn't do the dirty jokes there like they were trying to like somehow or another like pure it It was a disaster as one of the owners of the comedy club had this fucking Wacky idea in his head that clean comedy was the future really classy clean comedy He wanted just squeaky clean comedy. | ||
| I mean squeaky clean no sex jokes. | ||
| No nothing. | ||
| It was death and So they set this place up, they spent a shitload of money on construction, they put this thing together, and it was gone within a year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and then it became an improv. | ||
| And then Bud Friedman took it over as an improv, and I think they were in business with him for a while. | ||
| I think Bill Blumenwright might have had something to do with it. | ||
| And then it went under. | ||
| And then the Comedy Connection opened in Faneuil Hall. | ||
| So they had a Comedy Connection down the street. | ||
| That was a great club. | ||
| At one point in time, dude, they had the Comedy Connection on Warrington Street, which was like... | ||
| 150 seats. | ||
| And then they had Nick's Comedy Stop, which is down the street, which is maybe 300 seats. | ||
| And then they had... | ||
| Nick's Comedy Stop at one point had three rooms. | ||
| They had the upstairs room. | ||
| They had a downstairs smaller room. | ||
| And then they had this disco that's now a gay bar that's at the bottom. | ||
| And that was something they took over. | ||
| So they had three shows going consecutively. | ||
| So they'd have like... | ||
| Steve Sweeney would go on there and then he would go down to the small room and then he'd go over to the big room and he would do... | ||
| Three shows like that. | ||
| So he would do six sets. | ||
| Or nine sets. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Probably six. | ||
| Probably two shows. | ||
| But six sets of two shows. | ||
| Like an eight and a ten, but an eight and a ten in all the rooms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| So they would do six sets a night. | ||
| And then some of the guys would go over to the Connection, do a set, go over to Nick's and do a set, and then Duck Soup opened. | ||
| And so, like, Duck Soup was the greedy. | ||
| They got greedy. | ||
| And that went under. | ||
| And when that went under, Bill Blumenwright, who was the genius behind... | ||
| He still owns the Uber, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's... | ||
| He's a financial wizard. | ||
| He was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? | ||
| He goes, listen, let me buy you out and fucking get out of here. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Let me take care of this. | ||
| And so Bill took over the comedy connection of Faneuil Hall. | ||
| And that became like a big success. | ||
| And then he goes, you know, he just decided, listen, I could fill this fucking place up. | ||
| This is like 400 seats. | ||
| Why don't I just buy the Wilbur? | ||
| So he bought the Wilbur, and now that's like 900 seats. | ||
| So that's the comedy connection now. | ||
| And he just brings in big acts. | ||
| But the problem is... | ||
| That Boston lost its, like, local thing. | ||
| They lost, like, the local scene. | ||
| A lot of the older big-time headliners, they got older and older, and people sort of forgot. | ||
| And then the open mic night scene, once Patrice left and once Burr left, the guys coming up, there's not as strong... | ||
| I think there's now Laugh Boston's got a good scene. | ||
| Last time I was there, they were pretty excited about the scene. | ||
| They were saying there's a lot of up-and-coming guys coming, and gals, excuse me, and binary, non-binary people. | ||
| And they've developed, like, you know, a good group of, like, local people that are really doing the right thing, trying to really get good at comedy, but shit. | ||
| There was Stitches, there was Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge, there was Play It Against Sam's had a show. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| Like, for a small town, I mean, Boston's not small, but it's not a huge city like Chicago or New York. | ||
| And for this relatively small city, you had a A fuckload of comedy. | ||
| And really good comedy. | ||
| That's what I love about the store is that you could hit three stages in one night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do it all the time. | |
| And pull a trifecta. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that like three or four times this year. | ||
| Yeah, I do two there regularly. | ||
| I love Jeremiah's new material show. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| That's where I wrote that joke. | ||
| The Helen Keller and Frank joke. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Some guy just said it on stage. | ||
| I said, I used to think they were the same person. | ||
| And I got on stage, and you're in the back, and you're like, that better be a fucking pit. | ||
| And I was like, nah. | ||
| I'm just an idiot. | ||
| And then I opened up Flying Dildos with that, and I was like, that's still, yeah. | ||
| I love that show. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fun way, an exercise. | ||
| I just did it Tuesday. | ||
| By the way, and I just started getting the vibe. | ||
| It took me a long time to understand the OR. Like, the OR for me was a little bit of an uphill battle. | ||
| The main room's always been, it's like, it's always a great, just a great performer, but like, I think I was looking at the OR as like, uh... | ||
| It's like more of like, less of a club and more of like a workshop. | ||
| And I was like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| This is where you have to be able to sling guns. | ||
| You've got to be able to change subjects, move in the jet, like to really read a crowd and take their energy and move with it. | ||
| This sounds silly that I say this, but like in a Rich Voss kind of way. | ||
| He's someone that can navigate the OR seamlessly, you know, because he can read an audience and take the energy and push it. | ||
| Well, it's a very intimate room, too. | ||
| Like, a lot of those guys from New York, they're used to being on top of people. | ||
| Because New York clubs are very small, which is really weird, right? | ||
| Because New York is so big. | ||
| But the space is small. | ||
| Like, you have a lot of small spaces. | ||
| Like, you ever do the Stand or Stand Up New York? | ||
| Stand Up New York is a perfect example. | ||
| Like, you could barely move on stage. | ||
| Or Caroline's. | ||
| Caroline's is like a fucking plank. | ||
| It's a table. | ||
| It's this table. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, this table's bigger than the stage at Caroline's. | ||
| And when you're there, you're on top of the people, and they're sitting right in front of you. | ||
| It's odd, you know? | ||
| And you get used to, like, where are you from, sir? | ||
| Like, that's why a lot of New York comics talk to the crowd. | ||
| And they also do, like, fairly short chunks, right? | ||
| The bits are smaller. | ||
| And that's also because their sets are, like, seven minutes long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember coming out here with Bobby Kelly. | ||
| It was with Bobby Kelly the first night I did a spot out here. | ||
| And I got on stage and I was like, I remember in my head going, where are the Puerto Ricans? | ||
| I was like, wait, what am I going to talk about? | ||
| And I remember Bobby getting up and going, both of us were sitting in the back. | ||
| He's like, I don't like this fucking clever shit. | ||
| This fucking joke clever shit. | ||
| Be fucking funny. | ||
| And both of us were like, yeah, how come they can't be funny? | ||
| Like, yeah, both of us were like used to, I used to make the analogy, working out, doing stand-up in New York was like working out in the prison yard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| You had a broomstick and cinder blocks, and you just wanted to get big enough so you couldn't get raped in the shower. | ||
| And then working out in L.A. was almost like being at a gold gym. | ||
| You were sculpted, you looked good, but you couldn't defend yourself in a real room. | ||
| And so I looked at it that way, and then I was like, oh, if you do the road, you can do a little bit of both, and you can really have fun. | ||
| I think the road is where I really learned how to do stand-up. | ||
| Like doing an hour, that was where I was like, oh, you need to be able to... | ||
| Well, you also have to do an hour that translates in Kansas City. | ||
| You could do it in Florida. | ||
| Make strangers laugh. | ||
| Louis C.K. said that. | ||
| He goes, someone said, why don't you do UCB? He goes, oh, because they're already going to laugh anyway. | ||
| The art form is making strangers laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, you got to make people that... | ||
| Well, that's why a lot of people like to do drop-ins. | ||
| They don't want people coming to see them. | ||
| They like to do a set where people don't have any idea that they're going to be there. | ||
| There's a thought process to that. | ||
| I did Largo last night, which is weird. | ||
| Yeah, what was that like? | ||
| They laugh at your setups. | ||
| It's like, the setups, they're fucking dying laughing at the setups. | ||
| It's so odd. | ||
| It's so polite. | ||
| It's a beautiful space, though. | ||
| The room's amazing. | ||
| It's a great setup. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it was weird. | ||
| I did Nerdist Meltdown one time, and I just told a story, just a story that I was working on, and it murdered so hard, and I was like, this is a really legit comedy club fan. | ||
| They love comedy. | ||
| Any little nuance to a joke, they appreciate it. | ||
| They're like, man, that was well played. | ||
| I saw that movie in high school. | ||
| The alt rooms, though, the problem with those rooms is that if you just work those rooms and then you try to do a set in the OR, you're fucksville. | ||
| Like, if you try to go on after Joey Diaz in the OR and all you do is alt rooms, and by the way, Adam, that sick fuck, he will throw you on after Joey Diaz if he thinks you do a lot of alt rooms to you. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, I don't want to mention any names, but I've seen people just incinerate up there, you know? | ||
| Because you're used to this, like, really polite, set-up punchline sort of crowd. | ||
| The comedy store, you get a lot of this. | ||
| You got a lot of people that are like, come on, this is the best club in the world, huh? | ||
| Come on, come on. | ||
| You know, you see people that are drunk. | ||
| You get a surprising number of hecklers. | ||
| The back hallway is always fucking talkative. | ||
| Like, you have to shut people up. | ||
| That's a terrible design. | ||
| Like, they've been trying to figure out a workaround. | ||
| Maybe you could figure it out. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| But that back hallway always has people, and they're talking. | ||
| And then, even if they're not talking, the people off to the side of the parking lot, that leaks to the back of the room. | ||
| Like, you'll see people that are in the back of the store, in the OR. You see them turning around all the time. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's so loud back there. | ||
| I was on stage one time, and... | ||
| Clearly, I'm on stage and I go, clearly someone very famous just walked into the hallway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I could hear everyone like, oh, hey, what's up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You hear it loud. | ||
| And immediately I just go, whoever I'm planning on bringing up next is not going up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I get the light and I look over, I go, who's next? | ||
| I'm dying to know. | ||
| And they go, it's Louie. | ||
| I went, okay, that's what I thought. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you can tell. | ||
| It's just a bad setup in that regard. | ||
| You know, the OR is a bad setup in the sense of that hallway, but it's a great setup in the sense of the size of the space and the intimacy of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The main room's perfect. | ||
| Main room's perfect. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| I love that you got the great hangout in the back. | ||
| Oh, it's the best hangout. | ||
| You can't hear shit. | ||
| Yeah, me and Santino and Chris D'Elia last night were fucking howling. | ||
| Just making each other laugh. | ||
| Just talking shit and just having a good time. | ||
| Talking about Nick Cannon's stand-up special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oops. | |
| Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got that good dick, though. | |
| Have you seen it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We're having such a good time. | ||
| Just talking. | ||
| Just shooting the shit. | ||
| Talking about, you know, clubs on the road and doing things. | ||
| It's just, it's like, you know, you get a chance to talk shop, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Get silly. | ||
| Dude, back there, look, there's touchstones in your life where you go, these conversations were meaningful. | ||
| I remember a night, I was just started up doing Birth to Conquer again, and you and Burr were sitting, you were standing and he was sitting in that corner seat where the door opens over to hit you, and both of you, I remember, I don't know if, what have you, you go, how much money is enough money? | ||
| I went, what? | ||
| And you're like, and you guys looked at each other and you're like, I mean... | ||
| How much money do you need? | ||
| You're doing the Travel Channel again? | ||
| And Burr's like, man, nothing but nothing. | ||
| Your show sucks. | ||
| I just do stand-up if I were you. | ||
| And both of you sat there and you were like, you're a good stand-up man. | ||
| I don't know what you're doing on this TV show. | ||
| Just get back to stand-up. | ||
| And I was like, only at the Comedy Store you get that conversation. | ||
| And only with your friends. | ||
| I remember hearing that going, yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| You're like, dude, you monetize your podcast. | ||
| You do the road. | ||
| And you can hang out here. | ||
| And we all, like, I don't know what, like... | ||
| Is this your show? | ||
| Are you really happy? | ||
| It's so important to have friends that'll tell you that, too, because sometimes you don't think you can do it. | ||
| You feel like, oh, I have to stay under contract. | ||
| I have to keep working. | ||
| But I knew you were on the road for, like, fucking weeks at a time. | ||
| I'm like, Bert, you don't want to do this. | ||
| You're a funny guy. | ||
| And you're not really working on your stand-up that much. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| You'd go on the road, you wouldn't do stand-up for weeks at a time. | ||
| I'd try to put in a date, like jamming a date in between touring or doing travel channel, but the truth was I'd be away from my family and then I'd be a mess. | ||
| And not only that, it's not enough. | ||
| Like, a date doesn't do shit. | ||
| It's just like you go, wow, I was rusty. | ||
| That's all you're gonna do. | ||
| You know, you need to be, you know, stand-up comedy is like running. | ||
| You know, you take a month off running, you're gonna be out of shape. | ||
| You know, you gotta be fucking constantly going at it. | ||
| It's a beautiful grind. | ||
| I'm so glad you decided to bail on that shit, too. | ||
| You have two watches on. | ||
| No, it was one of my Fitbit. | ||
| I ran four miles. | ||
| Doesn't that have the time on it? | ||
| Yeah, but I keep it. | ||
| I keep it just to track. | ||
| I try to get to 18,000 steps every day. | ||
| But you want the other watch as well. | ||
| It was a gift. | ||
| This has sentimental value. | ||
| The time isn't even right. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's like a bracelet. | ||
| It's a bracelet. | ||
| You're basically a girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got a bracelet on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Guys wearing bracelets disturbs me. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| There was a period where I was wearing a few bracelets. | ||
| It drives me nuts. | ||
| Guys with like three bracelets on one wrist. | ||
| Like, hey, you stop. | ||
| Especially like Italian guys. | ||
| Like three gold bracelets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a pinky ring. | ||
| But you're not a jewelry guy. | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've been a jewelry guy at times. | ||
| You're a jewelry guy? | ||
| I've been there! | ||
| Like, what kind of jewelry? | ||
| You ever have a pinky ring? | ||
| Uh, yeah. | ||
| You ever have a diamond ring? | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| I haven't had a diamond ring. | ||
| I've had a plethora of bracelets before, though. | ||
| Yeah, I don't... | ||
| I barely wash my car. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Yeah, I wash my Corvette. | ||
| That's the only one I wash. | ||
| In my Porsche I wash, but the Corvette is just... | ||
| It's barely a car. | ||
| The Corvette is like an art piece. | ||
| The funny thing about you is how un-extraordinary you believe you are. | ||
| Like, I'll tell you, when Tom and I did the first hot yoga, we did the hot yoga, we got done, and we were really fucking floored. | ||
| And the first thing we said was, Ari's not doing it right. | ||
| There's no way he could do these in a day. | ||
| And the second thing Tom said was, you know, at this point in Joe's day, it's only like 10 in the morning, and he hasn't done kettlebells, run, or a podcast, or sets yet. | ||
| I was like, I'm going home and eating candy bar and going to bed. | ||
| Pfft. | ||
| But that's the one thing that's been pushing me through this month is I go, alright, I'm going to go and run now. | ||
| I'm going to try to do more in a day than I normally do. | ||
| And I think that is only achievable with a real true balance of being sober and healthy and not just getting off the fucking rails all the time. | ||
| Yeah, because if you do go off the rails all the time, your body's just not capable of working hard. | ||
| There's steps, right? | ||
| It's like you can't just start running six miles a day and doing kettlebells and then taking a 90-minute yoga class. | ||
| You're not going to have the energy. | ||
| You're not conditioned to do it. | ||
| You can work out you can work up to those things like you could start off with just a light half-mile run You could start out with do your best in a 90-minute yoga class You know you could start out doing all these different things and then over time you build up Conditioning and strength and health and you know, I'm 50 years old dude. | ||
| I've never been in better shape in my life never been more healthy I work out all the time. | ||
| I feel great I mean, I really do, and I just always want to tell people that. | ||
| Obviously, a lot of people have way more time requirements than I do in terms of your day job and stuff like that, but the more effort you put into keeping your body healthy, the better you're going to feel. | ||
| You're just going to have more energy. | ||
| I feel good all the time, and I feel better this week or this month, this 12 days in. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I do, too. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think the first drink is going to be hard for me to take because I feel like I'll be letting myself down. | ||
| Because I get, like I said, I get teetotaler. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I guarantee that first drink, I probably do a shot with Ari and then I'm like, I don't think I'm going to go to bed. | ||
| Does Ari do shots? | ||
| He's like a drink. | ||
| He'll have a glass of whiskey with ice or something like that. | ||
| I saw him do shots in Calgary. | ||
| Oh yeah, and then we lost him. | ||
| He didn't used to drink. | ||
| I know. | ||
| When I first met him, he didn't drink at all. | ||
| He would smoke weed, but he didn't drink. | ||
| He became a drinker when he moved to New York. | ||
| Oh, is that really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never remember seeing him drink ever. | ||
| I remember when he lived here, we'd go to the store, do like a podcast or something, and he'd get high, but he just, he didn't have, he would eat candy. | ||
| Like, that was his thing. | ||
| I was like, ah, I can't imagine candy. | ||
| Now I'm like, oh, I fucking love candy. | ||
| Yeah, well, after a workout, there's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| Some people actually like candy. | ||
| Like, a lot of lifters, a lot of people lift, they like to eat candy after they work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, repunish those sugar supply of the muscles. | ||
| It's controversial. | ||
| Some people don't agree with that. | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| It's dependent upon what kind of diet you have normally. | ||
| I try to stay away from bread and pasta. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| Do that. | ||
| You'll be healthier. | ||
| My friend Cameron Haynes is running the Moab tomorrow. | ||
| He starts the Moab 240, which is a 238-mile race. | ||
| And he's been running a marathon a day for months in preparation for this. | ||
| And tomorrow he begins a 238 mile race. | ||
| You could track it at www.moab200.com. | ||
| M-O-A-B-200.com. | ||
| And you're going to be able to track his performance and where he's at. | ||
| And it'll take shit probably. | ||
| And also UA Outdoor. | ||
| They'll be posting live video at UA Outdoor, Under Armour Outdoor. | ||
| I think that's UA Outdoor, the Instagram page, right? | ||
| Click on that real quick. | ||
| Yeah, and there it is. | ||
| It shows all his stuff. | ||
| He's out there representing Under Armour, running his fucking animal. | ||
| It's funny, it says when I first started off running, I struggled with a 5k. | ||
| Now I'm doing 200 mile races. | ||
| It's not that I was born with this amazing talent. | ||
| Your body gets used to what you ask of it. | ||
| If you don't ask much of it, it isn't going to give you much. | ||
| If you don't ask much of it, it isn't going to give you... | ||
| He said it twice for some reason. | ||
| If you ask a lot of it, it will give you a lot. | ||
| Somebody should tell them that they repeated that sentence twice. | ||
| He can edit that. | ||
| Edit that shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Under Armour. | ||
| Get your shit together. | ||
| He's a fascinating guy, man. | ||
| Whatever the podcast thing has done, it's introduced me to people like him and Adam Greentree, who I find fascinating. | ||
| Some fan made me a table. | ||
| I picked it up today. | ||
| I put it on my Instagram. | ||
| I guess all the stuff I dig, and one of the things he put on the side was, no one cares, work harder. | ||
| Yeah, it's Cam's t-shirt. | ||
| Yeah, it's one of his sayings, and that's real. | ||
| You know, I posted something on Instagram today that there's levels to this shit. | ||
| You know, it's what we're talking about. | ||
| Like, I'm very self-critical, like, super hyper self-critical. | ||
| But one of the reasons why I'm hyper self-critical is I know people who are just real savages, who really are doing extraordinary things. | ||
| And people who are self-congratulatory for no reason drive me fucking insane. | ||
| Why are you laughing? | ||
| I'm so self-congratulatory! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| But you're, like, half-joking. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah, but I have a very low threshold for reward, so... | ||
| I did it! | ||
| Two sit-ups, time to drink. | ||
| But, like, and I had, I think I have, like, uh... | ||
| Like, I think that's why I'm doing that half marathon, because I was like, I need to start... | ||
| I want to start testing myself. | ||
| I want to start saying to myself, let's break two hours in a half marathon. | ||
| Let's see if we can do that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you're right. | ||
| There is... | ||
| I think I do that with physical stuff, because I was an athlete growing up, and I just go, ah, I can always jump back in. | ||
| But when it comes to stand-up, man, I am beyond fucking critical. | ||
| I look at some of these people that put out hours, and I go, like... | ||
| I'm not going to name names, but man, there's some people that people have said, like I saw someone who, I won't say names, but they closed their special with street jokes, and I was like, nah, you can't, hey, you don't have friends? | ||
| I know her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should have stayed my friend. | ||
| I would have told you don't do that shit. | ||
| Yeah, well she wouldn't have listened. | ||
| But here's the thing, man. | ||
| A lot of people, they get caught up in that other stuff. | ||
| It's one of the things we were talking about, like you do in the Travel Channel. | ||
| Imagine if you're doing movies all the time. | ||
| You're doing two, three movies a year. | ||
| Movies, you know how that grind is. | ||
| 16 hours a day on set. | ||
| You don't have time to hit the clubs. | ||
| You don't have time to grind. | ||
| You're not going over your material. | ||
| You're going over your lines. | ||
| You're taking naps because you're fucking tired all the time. | ||
| Especially if you're not an athlete, you're not someone who's like really fit and healthy and eating really good foods. | ||
| Your body is worn the fuck out by the time those three, four months of filming are done. | ||
| And then you have to do press junkets, then you have to do that. | ||
| And then, you know, someone, Netflix, HBO comes along and offers you all this cash to do a special. | ||
| Can you do it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not going to say no. | ||
| And by the way, your agents... | ||
| Your managers, unless they're fucking top of the food chain, they don't know shit about what it takes to do stand-up, because they don't do it. | ||
| You have to have a really good manager who goes, listen, we really need to manage the time and the energy and the focus you put on your act, because you only get one shot at doing this act. | ||
| And I've fucked that up before, and I think a lot of us have before. | ||
| We've all done sets where we weren't really prepared. | ||
| And you don't know what it takes until you do it wrong. | ||
| And then you feel the sting of mediocrity. | ||
| And then you realize, like, oh, there's no substitute for running 200 miles. | ||
| You have to fucking run every day. | ||
| There's no substitute. | ||
| There's no substitute for stand-up. | ||
| You have to fucking grind. | ||
| You have to grind. | ||
| You've got to watch your sets. | ||
| You've got to go through and say, where's the lazy writing? | ||
| You've got to punch up the good writing. | ||
| That last hour special I did, I think the one that really helped break me to sell tickets and whatnot, was me looking at it from the travel channel perspective of lazy. | ||
| Just get the work done. | ||
| Get it up. | ||
| Just get the laughs. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| And then going and starting hanging out at clubs and going, oh, there's a lot of laziness in this act. | ||
| And going, I need to... | ||
| I need to really be honest with myself and go, this is hacky. | ||
| I'm not doing the work in the special. | ||
| I think that applies to everybody that does everything. | ||
| It's not just our creative endeavor of stand-up comedy. | ||
| But whatever you're doing, if you're a fucking engineer, if you're a chef, whatever it is, whatever you're doing where you focus on and it gets good, if you focus more on it, it'll get great. | ||
| I mean, it's just you have to figure out what's missing in it. | ||
| Where's the weak spots? | ||
| Where's the holes? | ||
| What could be done better? | ||
| Approach it from a different angle. | ||
| You know, one of the things that I'll do, and this is a thing that I've been doing a lot over the last two years, I'll take a bit that I know is killing. | ||
| It's doing well. | ||
| I'll take that bit. | ||
| I know it's done. | ||
| So now... | ||
| I look at the same subject with open eyes, like completely fresh eyes, and then I try to rewrite it. | ||
| I try to rewrite the bit. | ||
| I try to write the bit almost as if I don't even know how the other bit goes, and I write a new version of it. | ||
| And sometimes when I write a new version of it, I'll have a whole new take that I can add to the first version. | ||
| And the only way you do that is if you're not complacent. | ||
| The only way you're willing to do that is if you fucking hate yourself and you want to just grind it out all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This hour I'm working on now, I feel like I've gotten too meticulous with it. | ||
| I've gotten to the point where I go, every joke needs to have closure. | ||
| Because I'm really doing more stories. | ||
| I'm not doing more premise jokes. | ||
| I'm doing legit story. | ||
| That's what you like to do, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you know what? | ||
| And I have to credit Ari on this. | ||
| I was doing material. | ||
| Like, hey, if you ever put a vegetable in your chick's ass, make sure to use a carrot, not a cucumber. | ||
| Cucumbers, do a grass. | ||
| You know, those kind of fun boy party stuff. | ||
| Mediocre comedy at best. | ||
| And I think Ari was the first one that was like, dude, your stories are really good. | ||
| And we started talking about, when he started doing This Is Not Happening, we started talking about stories. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I got really into it. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I'm much better at stories than trying to do what everyone else is doing. | ||
| If I can do my shit and just be me. | ||
| I felt like people were stealing material from me. | ||
| So I do a premise and I was like, it's common ground. | ||
| Like, I get pulled over by a cop. | ||
| Who's stealing material from you? | ||
| You know I'm not getting into this. | ||
| But you get into stuff and you're like, and then I was like, oh, these stories about me, like the machine story taught me so fucking much. | ||
| Like I remember, I've said this a million times too, I'll say it a million times more. | ||
| I did this podcast, and you were like, that's your story. | ||
| That's your closer. | ||
| You need to fucking figure that out. | ||
| And I went to Columbus, Ohio that first time. | ||
| I was there that next weekend. | ||
| There was a kid in the front row. | ||
| He was like, you're telling the machine, right? | ||
| And I was like, no, it's not. | ||
| And he's like, Rogan said you should tell it. | ||
| Bert, Bert, we understand. | ||
| It won't be good. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| I remember being like, oh, these are the fans I get? | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| But I learned so much out of telling that story about how to write stories and how to do stories. | ||
| And I think... | ||
| You know, when people come see my show, they want to have a good time. | ||
| They don't want to hear my view on fucking feminism. | ||
| Unless your view on feminism is really funny. | ||
| Yeah, unless it's funny. | ||
| But it's whatever you feel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever you feel like saying. | ||
| So many comics right now are so like, a lot of liberal comics are like, agenda first, comedy second. | ||
| And I'm like, no, I'm not that guy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I'm not going to push that agenda on you. | ||
| I'm just going to make sure you have a good time. | ||
| Tell you by the time I got fucked up, I pissed on a table, I fucking robbed a train. | ||
| Unless whatever your agenda is, it happens to be hilarious. | ||
| Like, it's got to be organic, right? | ||
| And that's... | ||
| You know, I mean, I don't think you should put yourself in any sort of a box. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like if I like it, I'll do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then I had this bit about catcalling that I thought was so fucking good. | ||
| But I was like... | ||
| I was like, what are you doing? | ||
| Do it. | ||
| If you like it. | ||
| Don't worry about it, man. | ||
| You can't box yourself in. | ||
| Like, I remember one of Tony Hinchcliffe's ex-girlfriends was like, I think Tony should be all dark. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like that already. | |
| And she goes, I think you should just stick to all dark. | ||
| And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| How about just be funny all the time? | ||
| And then I had to talk to him about it. | ||
| He's like, oh, she hates my bit about squirting. | ||
| Like, she didn't like the fact that he was doing sexual jokes. | ||
| So she was trying to give him some really shit advice. | ||
| Like, he should be all dark. | ||
| Just be moody and dark. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| That's like when you say something in a green room, and you don't know one of the comics, and then he gets up and leaves, and the other comic goes, Ah, just so you know, his dad's gay. | ||
| And you're like, Ah, fuck! | ||
| That was the worst. | ||
| And you're like, why wouldn't you tell me that in the middle of it? | ||
| And he was like, I wanted to see where you took it. | ||
| When you go places, do you get like a crowd in the green room, like weird guys show up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they always want to like reach into the fucking cooler and grab beers and talk too much. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Dude, I don't have, I have confrontation problems, so I just would, I just leave myself. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Leave your own green room. | ||
| I've had that a number of times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's the worst, man. | ||
| When you show up on the road, and the green room becomes like a hangout. | ||
| Hey, this is my buddy. | ||
| He's a big fan, and this is his girlfriend. | ||
| Hey, let me ask you a question. | ||
| How do you write your jokes? | ||
| This happens so much to me. | ||
| How do you come up with material? | ||
| You know, it's funny. | ||
| I've been thinking about doing stand-up for a while, because a lot of people at work tell me I'm really funny. | ||
| I watch you, and I go, hey, maybe I can do it. | ||
| The thing I get the most is people in the meet and greet line going, I've got to tell you my machine story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's 150 people behind you, sir! | |
| I get these long ones. | ||
| These lesbians wouldn't stop playing with my dick. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I didn't mind it. | ||
| We were doing the pictures. | ||
| As long as they're lesbians, it barely counts. | ||
| The girl was like, I haven't felt a dick in a while. | ||
| And we're doing pictures. | ||
| She used to be a non-lesbian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She used to be a breeder. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Why'd she go to the dark side? | ||
| Did you ask her? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| No, but she got me hard. | ||
| Like, she would not stop playing with my dick. | ||
| She knew what she was doing. | ||
| She definitely did. | ||
| Dirty girl. | ||
| Terrible girl. | ||
| I love that when you find someone who's like who powers sexuality like there's a girl one time It's like hey can I like people always go hey can I girls will go can I pinch your nipple in the pictures my shirts off? | ||
| I go yeah, yeah, whatever This one girl goes hey can I play with your nipple? | ||
| And I was like yeah, and she did some sex stuff to my nipple that I literally knocked my wind out of me I went oh And then I was like hey can you tell me what you did so I can tell that to my wife like that was fucking amazing You can slam my nipple in a bank vault. | ||
| I don't feel shit These things are useless. | ||
| They don't even work. | ||
| They don't even work. | ||
| I don't feel a goddamn thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop! | |
| They're numb. | ||
| They're like an elbow. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It's like ball sack? | ||
| Very similar to an elbow. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Ball sack, I couldn't... | ||
| Like, you could pinch my ball sack with pliers, I wouldn't feel it. | ||
| Yeah, the skin's not very sensitive, but it is when they tickle it like this, right? | ||
| When they tickle it. | ||
| Mine go right up in me. | ||
| They suck up? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like a Weichiru master. | ||
| Like if someone... | ||
| That's what they would do. | ||
| They would suck their balls up into their body so you can kick them in the nuts and it doesn't even hurt. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| They thought they did, though, these fucking idiots. | ||
| But there are a bunch of guys that get kicked in the balls and they somehow or another can endure it. | ||
| Oh, we had a bit on a TV show where there was a strap you put. | ||
| Did you ever see this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It looks like a seat belt, but it goes around your nose for some spike show. | ||
| It goes around your feet and then it rides your inseam. | ||
| So it looks like a seat belt, but it's an inch shorter than your inseam. | ||
| So, theoretically, when you kick it, the strap stops the foot before it hits your balls. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So does that make sense? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So imagine if you had really, really strong inseams, and you couldn't get to the balls because the inseam didn't move because it was strapped around your feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So we get a punter, a professional punter, and the whole gag is, if I get it, I'll get kicked in the balls. | ||
| I don't like where this is going. | ||
| But I got this strap on, I'm fine, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm like, alright, I get kicked in the balls. | ||
| So I'm standing like this, but as he goes to kick, I squat down. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I then loosen the tension in the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| And I got kicked in the balls by a pro punter. | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| And I went down. | ||
| You could lose a ball from that, man. | ||
| Very easily. | ||
| I know a couple guys who've lost a ball. | ||
| A couple. | ||
| Yeah, they get kicked in the nuts in sparring, and they lose a nut. | ||
| I thought I lost a nut once in a tournament. | ||
| My ball swole up like a fucking golf ball. | ||
| It was like this, more than a golf ball, I guess. | ||
| It was big and red, and it turned purple later. | ||
| Oh, it was awful. | ||
| Yeah, I really thought, like, because I had, in the old days, the cups that you would have were like, they were cups that would sit in jockstraps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you would throw a kick, a lot of times the ball would poke out from underneath the cup. | ||
| So when you got kicked in the nuts, that cup was slamming into your balls. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Now they have really good compression shorts, and the balls get... | ||
| There's a thing called diamond MMA cups. | ||
| They suck straight to your body, and the outside's soft, and they cover... | ||
| It's all your junk, and it doesn't go anywhere. | ||
| You could literally get kicked in the balls with these things on and be okay. | ||
| Then they have these steel tie cups, which are the most ideal. | ||
| Most uncomfortable, but the most ideal, because they tie up through your asshole like a G-string. | ||
| They fucking crank up back there, and they tie them on the top, but it's a steel cup. | ||
| Everything is just fucking shoved in there, man. | ||
| I remember when I was a kid and they just pulled a cup out of the bag by itself and go, throw it in your underwear. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they do that. | ||
| And you'd have to raw dog the cup in your underwear. | ||
| Just sand all over your dick. | ||
| What a stupid design balls are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On the outside. | ||
| And everybody knows it. | ||
| Everybody knows how bad they hurt. | ||
| There's nothing that hurts other than your eyeballs. | ||
| Things that hurts like your balls. | ||
| Everything ball hurts. | ||
| Other than your eyeballs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Has he ever been poked in the eye hard? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Horrible, right? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's your balls, man. | ||
| I said to someone one time, we were about to do this snowball fight, for a professional snowball fight. | ||
| So they make them with snow, pack them, and they're basically ice rocks. | ||
| And it's called Yugi Gossin in Alaska. | ||
| And so we're about to do it. | ||
| And the night before, I said to someone, no, you can hit me in the dick. | ||
| I'd rather be hitting the dick than in the balls. | ||
| And there was this girl, Lani, and she was like, you're telling me you have no feeling in your dick? | ||
| I go, no, I feel in my dick, but if you punch me in the dick... | ||
| Like, just dick, if you held my dick in my hand and punched me, it wouldn't hurt as bad as if you held my balls in my hand and punched me. | ||
| So the next day, we're doing this yuki gossip, and someone throws a snowball right when it starts, and it hits me on the head of the dick, and I thought it exploded in my pants. | ||
| I thought, and my hands were cold so I couldn't feel. | ||
| I was like, when I touch this dick, it will be in pieces in my pants. | ||
| Like a trick cigar. | ||
| And it hurt. | ||
| I've never felt a pain. | ||
| And then she came up as I'm riding. | ||
| She goes, I thought I could punch you in the dick and it wouldn't hurt. | ||
| I was like, I was wrong! | ||
| What about animals? | ||
| Like, animals all have their balls on the outside, but they've never figured it out. | ||
| Like, I think chimps probably figured it out. | ||
| I bet when they fight other chimps, they attack the balls. | ||
| Because I know they do that with people. | ||
| When chimps attack people, they rip your dick off. | ||
| And then bite your fingers off, right? | ||
| Bite your fingers off and rip your dick off. | ||
| They pull your eyes out. | ||
| It's one of the things they do. | ||
| They know what to attack. | ||
| They're not trying to kill you. | ||
| They're trying to maim you. | ||
| They're trying to take away what you need and want. | ||
| They're so fucking ruthless little animals. | ||
| I did a podcast with Callan the other day, and I go, and I love the way his brain works, and the first thing's out of his mouth, have you ever seen a hairless chimp? | ||
| I said, no. | ||
| And he pulls it up, and I'm like, he's like, the woman was bathing with that thing! | ||
| Bathing with it! | ||
| Sleeping with it. | ||
| She was having sex with it, most likely. | ||
| Oh, had to. | ||
| Yeah, she would just give the chimp Xanax. | ||
| Yeah, she gave him Xanax and red wine. | ||
| The one that tore that lady's face off in Connecticut. | ||
| She was giving him Xanax and red wine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the muscles on that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking ridiculous. | |
| Not only that, the problem is we look at that and go, oh yeah, it's like a bodybuilder. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's a chimpanzee. | ||
| Like, those muscles are like corded steel. | ||
| They might be the same size as a bodybuilder's muscles, but the density of those muscles is off the fucking charts. | ||
| Look at those fucking arms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| Believe me, I've spent years of my life staring at naked chimps. | ||
| But that's a chimp with mange. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| There's some sort of a disease where his hair falls off where you really see their anatomy. | ||
| Yeah, it's a stunning difference between them and us. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of similarities. | ||
| But what's really, really interesting is that that is an intelligent animal. | ||
| I mean, it's an intelligent animal that now uses tools. | ||
| So much so that anthropologists are now thinking that, or biologists rather, what would it be? | ||
| What would it be that studies chimps? | ||
| Zoology? | ||
| No, definitely not. | ||
| Anyway, whoever the fuck studies chimps, I think they've universally concluded that chimpanzees have entered the Stone Age. | ||
| So they are using tools without being taught so by other chimps. | ||
| They're using tools independently, and they're using tools constantly. | ||
| And they're using all kinds of different tools. | ||
| And so they think that what's going to happen is eventually they're going to figure out a lot of other stuff, and it could take hundreds of thousands of years. | ||
| But chimpanzees, literally, chimpanzees and monkeys have entered the Stone Age. | ||
| I mean, this is from the BBC. They're using rocks and tools, and they're cutting things and breaking things open with tools. | ||
| And he would say, it's not the worksmanship that makes them special. | ||
| If anything, a casual observer might struggle to even identify them as ancient tools. | ||
| It's not their antiquity that's exceptional either. | ||
| They're only about the same age as the Egyptian periods. | ||
| What makes these tools noteworthy is that the hands that held them weren't human. | ||
| These stone tools were wielded by chimpanzees, capuchins, and macaques. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Macaques? | ||
| How do you say those monkeys? | ||
| I thought it was a macaw. | ||
| I thought that's a bird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Anyway, monkeys. | ||
| The sites where they have been unearthed are the basis of the brand new field of science, primate archaeology. | ||
| So what they're saying now is, if you think about human beings, right, that one point in the history of human beings, we were far more primitive than we are now, right? | ||
| If you go back and if you... | ||
| One of those people who believed in evolution... | ||
| If you go all the way back, we were some sort of Australopithecus, right? | ||
| It's like some sort of a chimpanzee-like humanoid thing, and that we got more and more intelligent for whatever reasons, and over the period of two million years, the human brain size doubled. | ||
| And they think that hunting played a part of that, cooking food might have played a part in that, a bunch of factors played a part in that. | ||
| But they think that if chimpanzees keep going the way they're going now, that who knows what the fuck a chimp looks like in a million years. | ||
| I mean, it's entirely possible that they could grow to be a new type of super-intelligent primate. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, look, it was us, right? | ||
| If you believe evolution... | ||
| Obviously, I do. | ||
| But if you believe scientists, the most studied in the field believe that human beings in this form, we've existed in this form for somewhere in the neighborhood of half a million years plus, right? | ||
| I don't know if that's the right number, but I think it varies back and forth. | ||
| Who knows how many hundreds of thousands of years before that we looked exactly like these motherfuckers. | ||
| I mean, we've been around relatively recently. | ||
| I mean, if you look at the history of the human race versus the history of the world, the world's like four and a half billion years old. | ||
| The humans haven't even been around a million years, I don't think. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So that's four and a half thousand million years old for the earth. | ||
| Humans, less than a million. | ||
| So we're fucking, we're recent people or recent things that have figured out how to radically change our environment with tools. | ||
| So now these things have figured out how to start using tools on a regular basis. | ||
| So, this is what happened with us millions of years ago, or whatever it was, and this is what's happening with them. | ||
| And this is fairly recent. | ||
| We have now recovered buried stone tools from activity areas of the stone tool, of all the stone tool using primates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| It's gonna be weird, man. | ||
| I still can't understand how they can teach them sign language and talk to them. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, humans have a very weird relationship with primates, too. | ||
| We expect them to be pets. | ||
| That's what this crazy lady in Connecticut where a friend got her face ripped off. | ||
| That's what they thought. | ||
| And the people, the guy that got his balls ripped off and his face ripped off and the chimps tore his feet off. | ||
| You remember that guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy had a pet chimp and that chimp got too old and when they get old they're incredibly strong and super aggressive and they don't understand the consequences of biting someone's finger off. | ||
| They just decide, I'm going to bite your fucking finger off. | ||
| Whatever! | ||
| Give me that finger! | ||
| You know, that's what a chimpanzee is. | ||
| I mean, they're wired to survive in the jungle. | ||
| You know, it is an insanely harsh environment. | ||
| That's a little baby chimpanzee. | ||
| God, look at that hand. | ||
| It's a little baby hand. | ||
| They're wired to survive in an incredibly harsh environment. | ||
| And that includes, like, fits of violence. | ||
| And retribution violence. | ||
| They're fucking ruthless, man. | ||
| You know, they gang up on other chimps and they plot out war. | ||
| Like, they go after tribes of other chimps and kill them. | ||
| And they, like, target them. | ||
| They somehow or another figure out a way to communicate how to ambush other chimps. | ||
| There's a lot of video on it, too. | ||
| It's fucking ruthless, man. | ||
| It's really harsh shit to watch. | ||
| I made a gorilla laugh one time. | ||
| How? | ||
| I was at this, I think it's called Monkey Kingdom in Miami, and they had this depressed gorilla because this circus had him before, and they took out his canines. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Because they wanted to use him, so they removed his canines. | ||
| Biting people? | ||
| Yeah, so they took out his canines, but apparently canines in the gorilla kingdom are a sign of... | ||
| That's like how you can become a... | ||
| Like, if you don't have canines, then you're just shunned. | ||
| You'll never get a partner. | ||
| And so they could never get this one gorilla partner. | ||
| I forget the... | ||
| Why don't they give them dental implants? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They could do that to hockey players. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know why they didn't. | ||
| Doesn't it seem like they could do that? | ||
| Get him some nice veneers? | ||
| Yeah, just give him a fucking operation. | ||
| Why not just give him human teeth? | ||
| Throw a little gas bomb in his cage. | ||
| He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. | ||
| Dope him up. | ||
| So they're like, yeah, he's really depressed. | ||
| And I think it's called Monkey Kingdom is the name of the place in Miami. | ||
| They go, he's really depressed. | ||
| He's just a depressed gorilla. | ||
| I go, I bet I can make him laugh. | ||
| And they're like, you definitely aren't going to make a primate laugh. | ||
| And I swear to you, and this did not get included on my show, I swear to God, I started doing an impression of a gorilla. | ||
| I just started going, and then slamming my chest. | ||
| And then I went number one like this, and he went, and I went shut up. | ||
| I literally lost my mind. | ||
| I was like I just and they're like I can't believe you made him laugh and I was like that and then Travel Channel's like I don't see why that's impertinent to the show. | ||
| I was like cunts. | ||
| I just made a fucking like gorilla laugh. | ||
| A depressed one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How what? | ||
| Oh How frustrating was that? | ||
| Oh, you have no fucking idea. | ||
| Oh, I had a show. | ||
| I have a I have a clip This is the frustrating part. | ||
| We did the last season of Birth to Conqueror, and I did the whole thing. | ||
| Everything that we shot, it was my thumbprint. | ||
| Because we were in between presidents, and I'm very proud of that product. | ||
| And we showed it to them, and they're like, it's not all brand. | ||
| And so they buried it. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It was too blue. | ||
| It was too rough. | ||
| It wasn't about like... | ||
| There was no intro reads. | ||
| I wouldn't do like... | ||
| My name's Bert Kreischer, and I'm outside Cedar Point, the home of thrill rides in the middle of Ohio. | ||
| Like, whatever it is. | ||
| So what did you do instead? | ||
| I would be like... | ||
| I would say stuff like... | ||
| New Jersey's like a fat ass. | ||
| Like, not everyone likes it, but if you're into it, you get it. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they were really fun reads, and they were so irreverent that if you saw them, you're not turning off the show. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| So I said to them at the very beginning, I said, hey, listen, there's some clips we have in there that will definitely go viral. | ||
| Can you just air them to promote the series? | ||
| And they're like, no, we've got this. | ||
| We know what we're doing. | ||
| And so they didn't do it. | ||
| So, one of them was this thing, Pterodactyl. | ||
| It was a ride in Colorado that's fucking amazing. | ||
| If you go to Travel Channel's Facebook page and see how many views it's got, I think it'll blow you away. | ||
| By the way, they never aired it when the show was about to air. | ||
| They aired it later on accident. | ||
| And it's the most viewed thing the network's ever had, ever, in its history of being alive. | ||
| When they aired it by accident. | ||
| One girl aired it by accident, didn't know, A, we're trying to part ways with Burt, put it up, and it's got... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swing? | |
| Yeah, how many views? | ||
| 242 million. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 242 million views? | ||
| Yeah, it's got 1.3 million shares. | ||
| 242 million views. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let me see that. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I told them. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| I've never even seen something with 242 million views. | ||
| I said, hey, we got some viral videos. | ||
| And they were like, nah, we know better than you. | ||
| Dude, 834,000 likes. | ||
| They know better than you. | ||
| Fucking idiots. | ||
| And dude, look at the fucking screen picture. | ||
| It's me falling off a cliff on a chair. | ||
| Let me see this. | ||
| Play it. | ||
| Add a little thing to your thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| Holy crap! | ||
| So this is all the free fall 100 miles an hour into the canyon on the pterodactyl. | ||
| How do you free fall? | ||
| How does it work? | ||
| You're in this chair. | ||
| It's strung out to a fulcrum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love a lot of tips. | |
| No! | ||
| Not a little tip like that! | ||
| I thought you meant advice! | ||
| I am leaning a lot forward. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's pray together. | |
| Get it! | ||
| Ah! | ||
| What is- I don't understand what's keeping you alive. | ||
| It's a string. | ||
| A cable is strung across the canyon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And that is tied to a string in the middle. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| By the way, there is one that is ten times funnier than this. | ||
| They took me into a spook house, and it is the- What's a spook house? | ||
| Please don't say it involves black people. | ||
| No, it did not involve black people. | ||
| I tried to post it online, because they used to let me post all the content, and then once they realized they were ready to part ways with me... | ||
| So was it their idea or your idea? | ||
| They asked me what I wanted to do. | ||
| The president at the time took me out to lunch. | ||
| He said, so what do you want to do? | ||
| And I said to my therapist, I was like, I think I... I don't want to ride roller coasters. | ||
| I'm done riding roller coasters. | ||
| I'll do something that is my idea. | ||
| Like, I'll do something... | ||
| If you want to do something, we can do something. | ||
| But I don't want to just be a host for hire. | ||
| I want to have... | ||
| I'm focusing on stand-up. | ||
| I'm focusing on my podcast. | ||
| I want to do stuff that means something to me. | ||
| So this is like last year. | ||
| This is last... | ||
| A full year ago. | ||
| A full year ago, roughly probably today. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, it was October. | ||
| It was before we had done the Weight Loss Challenge. | ||
| I was the fattest I'd ever been. | ||
| I had Rapper at the Conqueror. | ||
| It was about to start airing. | ||
| So yeah, I think it was October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| My special was aired in November. | ||
| And she said, what do you want to do? | ||
| And I said, I don't want to ride roller coasters anymore. | ||
| And she's like, okay. | ||
| And so then... | ||
| You're fired, Burt. | ||
| Yeah, pretty much. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But my therapist was like, don't go in and just ask for a job. | ||
| Say what you want, and don't do anything other than that. | ||
| What did you say you wanted to do? | ||
| What was the idea that you wanted to do? | ||
| A show that I think I'm doing. | ||
| I'm going to be doing. | ||
| You're gonna do another show. | ||
| I'm gonna do a show with my buddy Tony, the guy was telling you about this run in Roseanne. | ||
| But I can't tell because the premise is pretty high concept. | ||
| We'll talk afterwards. | ||
| But we're doing that and then I'm doing scripted, which is what I wanted to do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I had already shot this product and there was this one thing at a spook house. | ||
| What's a spook house? | ||
| It's a haunted house. | ||
| It's in Colorado. | ||
| You know the place I'm talking about? | ||
| I have one pulled up here in Ohio, but that's not from Birth to Conqueror. | ||
| That's from Birth to Conqueror? | ||
| How old do I look in it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's from 2016. You got a Joe Rogan shirt on? | |
| I swear to God, if you watch the full video of this, it is the funniest thing you've ever seen. | ||
| I gave it to them, and they just clipped it up and tried to make it short. | ||
| I was like, don't! | ||
| Air the fucking whole video, because it's me going 25 minutes. | ||
| The whole video's not 25 minutes, it's like 8 minutes, but it's me doing like an hour tour through this spook house, and I am losing my shit. | ||
| Why wouldn't they air it? | ||
| Were they bummed out at you at this point? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you were leaving? | ||
| I think they just don't like that I'm wearing it. | ||
| Look how different you look. | ||
| They don't like that you're wearing my shirt? | ||
| Yeah, they're like, why can't you just wear a black shirt? | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Fuck off, Travel Channel. | ||
| Thank you for wearing that, though. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It's just me getting scared. | ||
| Dude, you were so much bigger. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You look like a different human. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Like, do you see yourself there and go, oh my god, I'm unhealthy? | ||
| It makes me uncomfortable. | ||
| If you go to the very end, I'm sweating profusely. | ||
| But like, this is... | ||
| I get scared and I just push my assistant on the coast. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I don't even look like myself. | ||
| Yeah, you're... | ||
| How many more pounds are you there? | ||
| 50? | ||
|
unidentified
|
260, 250. So you're 40 plus pounds heavier. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just drinking like crazy. | ||
| Dude, it's amazing how you've done this. | ||
| You know, from January to today, you've essentially changed who you are. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, but I think I probably wouldn't have done it without all of us being a part. | ||
| Like, it's been fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I felt guilty that you guys went through all that shit and I didn't do anything. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I was willing to pay for it. | ||
| Like, that's where things get fucked up. | ||
| Like, my intention to pay for your trip to the basketball game was a good intention. | ||
| But it put Ari in a weird place because I kind of stepped in for him and then went, oh, Joe had to step in for Ari because Ari's a welcher. | ||
| Maybe if I didn't do that, you guys would have sorted it out quicker. | ||
| Didn't mean to do that. | ||
| When you said that, you're like, no, don't worry. | ||
| Ari's done it. | ||
| We've been friends a long time. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| I had it on my podcast. | ||
| When you said it, it was very like, you didn't sound like you were... | ||
| I didn't feel like you were throwing Ari under the bus at all. | ||
| I didn't feel like it, but I think he felt like it a little bit. | ||
| But I also think there's blood in the water. | ||
| And when there's blood in the water, those fucking online piranhas, they just find a weakness. | ||
| I found a spot! | ||
| And if you show that weakness, oh, it's like leaving out milk for a cat. | ||
| That's why you were telling him about the comments. | ||
| Don't fucking respond to those comments, you know? | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| He looked... | ||
| I love him to death, but he posted something shitty, real shitty one time. | ||
| He knows it, and anyone that knows it knows it, and if they don't know it, they'll never know it. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| But I watched the comments roll in after that, and he didn't realize what he had posted, and I watched it, and I was like, he didn't realize. | ||
| It's a long story, and I'm not getting into it, because I love Ari, and I don't want him enough to deal with it. | ||
| But, like, he didn't realize what he had posted. | ||
| He thought he was posting something fun. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| But it was, like, super serious. | ||
| And then, dude, I watched these people roll in with comments. | ||
| Man, Tom and I have said a number of times, dude, write down names. | ||
| Don't ever forget the guys that are really horrible human beings on here. | ||
| Like, don't ever forget, there are some fucking lunatics online. | ||
| Like, legit fucking lunatics. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| When you said you weren't going to smoke weed and we put the Pray for Joe thing out, dude, this guy wrote to me, he goes, don't ever forget, you are nothing without Joe Rogan. | ||
| That is our medicine. | ||
| We need this medicine. | ||
| And if you're going to deprive us of our medicine, I was like, our? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Our? | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Who the fuck do you think you're... | ||
| Deprive us of our medicine? | ||
| People just... | ||
| There's a lot of broken people out there, man. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Whoever you are, if you're that guy, look, man, I didn't take my medicine for 12 days and I'm good. | ||
| Just relax. | ||
| I mean, but some people, here's the thing, right? | ||
| I used to do a joke about this, that I did have a medical marijuana card before it was legal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it was legal only medically, but if you didn't get a medical marijuana card, like, if you went to a doctor and they said no, like, you should go to a fucking hospital, because there's probably something really wrong with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because they were giving them away like candy. | ||
| Like, anybody could get a goddamn medical marijuana card. | ||
| And someone was saying to me, like, well, you are throwing it in the face of the people that actually need marijuana for, like, glaucoma or PTSD or whatever. | ||
| Like, what you're doing is skirting the system. | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what? | ||
| I'm still getting weed legally. | ||
| I'm not hurting anybody by getting weed legally, stupid. | ||
| I'm just like promoting the fact that weed's awesome. | ||
| And then also there's the thing with like, it's fun for just calming you down and giving you a perspective in life. | ||
| I think weed has made me, and I think there's probably a lot of other factors as well. | ||
| I don't want to say it's all weed. | ||
| But weed's made me a nicer person because it's made me more sensitive. | ||
| And I think that if there's one thing that we could all use more in this, like everybody gets carried away and everybody's a work in progress and people all say things that they probably shouldn't have or just, you know, you're acting wrong. | ||
| You know, impulsively or you, you know, just you go with the thought that's in your head and you say what's on your mind and it doesn't come out right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We've all done that, right? | ||
| But marijuana, for me, highlights all those things in an almost ruthlessly introspective way that makes me a nicer person. | ||
| Makes me think about things, especially when I'm in the tank, man. | ||
| When I get in the tank, when I smoke weed, I just think about everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It's like a goddamn seminar on my life. | ||
| I should do that. | ||
| I should do that tank. | ||
| It's gotta be in the new studio. | ||
| I should do that tank. | ||
| New Studio has a tank. | ||
| I gotta do the tank before October's up. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It'll be there before then. | ||
| I wanna try it sober. | ||
| And then in November, I wanna try it high one time. | ||
| Well, it'll be installed in the third week of October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| The tank's coming soon. | ||
| Is this the one from your house? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's a new one. | ||
| They took the one out of my house. | ||
| Crash, by the way, folks, if you're in California, the float lab is the greatest... | ||
| Float place in the world and this guy is like a lot of people credit me for making Isolation tanks more popular. | ||
| I'm very happy that that's the case, but my tank experience Increased dramatically when I hooked up with crash because I had a friend who was working on my tank and he was fixing it and I had an older tank It wasn't the best tank, but it was good and I had a lot of great experiences in it but He told me about this guy in Venice that ran this place called the Float Lab. | ||
| And I said, well, what's the difference? | ||
| He's like, well, his stuff is just, like, super engineered. | ||
| It's, like, the best stuff. | ||
| Like, you don't have any of the issues with, like, the bladders at the bottom that hold the water in breaking because he doesn't use waterbed bladders. | ||
| Instead, he uses those things they use for ponds, like koi ponds, like a very thick, thick plastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everything, he has air pumped in it so you get fresh oxygen inside the tank. | ||
| He uses two waterbed heaters and they work together simultaneously. | ||
| He has a really excellent digital calibration system for the temperature. | ||
| He takes it to the next level with everything. | ||
| He's got an ozone filtration system that kills all the bacteria, kills everything. | ||
| He uses two gigantic jacuzzi filters that everything gets run through these tiny micron, I forget what the number is, filters, where they filter everything out of that water. | ||
| And for me, it's like it's only me in the water, but for public ones, it's critically important that you know that you're not going to catch some weird skin disease or something when you get inside these tanks. | ||
| So this guy, I got in touch with him, got a tank from him, he installed it in my basement, and then I can't shut the fuck up about things I love. | ||
| And that's part of my problem, because I'm repetitive as fuck, but that's what makes me good at things. | ||
| I get obsessive in that mindset. | ||
| I'm just constantly droning on about the same things constantly. | ||
| And sometimes that becomes a problem with podcasts. | ||
| Crash, that guy, he's the motherfucker behind tanks. | ||
| If it wasn't for him, the tanks that we have, even the non-crash tanks, non-float lab tanks, all the other tanks in the world, that is the gold standard. | ||
| His tanks are the gold standard, and all the other tanks since then have They've elevated in quality substantially because of his contribution. | ||
| When I first started using a tank, which was like early 2000s, like 2000, I think I got one in 2003. And I think the first time I got in one was like 2000, 2001. And I had one in my basement in 2003. From that time, the fucking whole business has gone like this. | ||
| Now they're everywhere. | ||
| Giant tank centers all over the world. | ||
| There was one in Omaha. | ||
| I was in Omaha, and this guy was at my show. | ||
| He goes, man, I work at a float lab, or I work at a tank place. | ||
| He's like, we should go. | ||
| And I was like, let's go now. | ||
| He was like, let me call the owner. | ||
| And this is, I gotta say this to this owner in Omaha. | ||
| Guy got off the phone, he's like, we can't go drunk. | ||
| And I was like, why? | ||
| He's like, I think he thinks you're gonna pee in it. | ||
| But yeah, I want to do it bad. | ||
| Well, you will. | ||
| You'll do it. | ||
| I'll have you in, like, right after it's installed. | ||
| So we're getting a new one put in. | ||
| That's the thing about Crash. | ||
| He's so crazy. | ||
| He's constantly, like, innovating. | ||
| He's constantly, like, even if the tank's perfect, he's like, no, no, no, that's the old one, the old version. | ||
| We've got to get rid of that. | ||
| We've got to take it out. | ||
| We've got to upgrade, upgrade everything. | ||
| Like, he's just nuts with that shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a mastermind. | ||
| He's like a real mad scientist genius character when it comes to tanks. | ||
| I think, yeah, I could fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I gotta get in a tank. | ||
| You love it, man. | ||
| I tried to get into TM, Transcendental Meditation. | ||
| I missed the fucking class. | ||
| Well, the thing about tanks is you could do all the meditation in tanks, but you have way more disconnection from your body, and I think that's important. | ||
| It disconnects your mind and your thoughts and your ideas from your physical frame. | ||
| Like, that's what people are trying to do when they meditate. | ||
| Like, you're trying to... | ||
| Sit down in a comfortable spot and just concentrate on your thoughts and you absolutely can achieve these amazing states of mind in that way. | ||
| But I feel like those states are elevated substantially from the tank. | ||
| And everyone I know that disagrees has never done the tank. | ||
| People that have done the tank go, oh yeah. | ||
| People that know that meditate and do the tank as well go, oh my god, this is a game changer. | ||
| It's just a completely different environment. | ||
| And the people that resist that, I've talked to a few people that meditate, and they're like, do you meditate? | ||
| I'm like, yes, I do. | ||
| I meditate in my tank. | ||
| And they're like, well, that's not the same thing. | ||
| I'm like, listen, you fucking hippie. | ||
| You don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| I've meditated regular, too. | ||
| Like, just try it. | ||
| Have you tried it? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| Then shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Because it's a complete, naturally occurring psychedelic state. | ||
| So anybody who's sober, anybody who doesn't want to fuck with drugs, I always tell them, get in that goddamn tank and you'll have a drug experience without any drugs. | ||
| Where you don't have to worry about losing your mind, you don't have to worry about addiction, you don't have to worry about overdosing or getting, you know, someone give you the wrong shit. | ||
| You can get in that tank and legitimately have a psychedelic experience. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta try it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do? | |
| The big thing, this is gonna sound, once again, this is gonna sound, a lot of my realizations this month are gonna sound very childish and pedestrian. | ||
| But one of my really hard things was going to sleep. | ||
| We call them unassisted sleeps in our house, so we can go to sleep without drugs or alcohol. | ||
| And I'd had seven this year total. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I've pulled down fucking 13 in a row. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And so now the idea of sleep doesn't panic me the way it used to. | ||
| Like last night I did a podcast with these young ladies, and then I just was like, I'm going to bed now. | ||
| And I got in bed, and I just closed my eyes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Dude, you're healthy. | ||
| Like I was like, I'm going to bed now. | ||
| Bert, I'm proud of you. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| Because what you've done is, considering your lifestyle and how long you've been doing it that way, it's amazing. | ||
| And I know that you rise to the challenge of a competition that sort of motivated you to do it, but not a lot of people would have done it, man. | ||
| A lot of people would have quit by now. | ||
| A lot of people would have found some excuses or figured out some way, like, oh, it was my friend's birthday, I had to do a shot with him. | ||
| You know, like, there's all sorts of real weird tricks that your mind will play on you to get you to quit. | ||
| In a bunch of different ways, but I'm proud of you. | ||
| You've literally changed your health. | ||
| You turned your health around in a very short period of time. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| I got a lot of those people, because a lot of people are doing it with us. | ||
| I know Will Noonan quit smoking, which is a big fucking deal. | ||
| That's a hard one, apparently. | ||
| Really big. | ||
| He quit smoking. | ||
| But it's fun to hear the guys who did fall off. | ||
| They're like, ah! | ||
| I was with you until football on Saturday. | ||
| I'm sorry, brother. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, I know. | ||
| I know the feeling. | ||
| Yeah, I know what it is, too. | ||
| But you just have to make a rule, you know, and just try again. | ||
| It doesn't have to be Sober October. | ||
| You can do it in November. | ||
| But there's a beautiful thing in having, like, a set schedule. | ||
| Tomorrow begins sobriety. | ||
| I have to do it. | ||
| I'm going to do it for 30 days. | ||
| And if you can do it, look, people prayed for me, and now I'm off of marijuana. | ||
| I'm going right back, though. | ||
| Can't wait. | ||
| I kinda wish, I think all of us kinda wish we were all together for that first night. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm kind of bummed out that you guys are going to be in New Orleans. | ||
| But we'll come back for another podcast. | ||
| We'll get Super Jew to get on a plane and come over here. | ||
| And we'll have some fun together. | ||
| And by then, he'll have already started smoking pot again, so he'll probably be more happy, Ari. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We'll be at the new studio, too. | ||
| But yeah, we'll do that. | ||
| We'll all three of us get together and have... | ||
| We should do... | ||
| I don't know if Ari's willing to do yoga after this challenge. | ||
| I think this challenge might... | ||
| End it for him. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Do you think he will? | ||
| I love that he calls it a chore. | ||
| I've had to set my alarm because I had a chore today. | ||
| Did you listen to his podcast when he was talking about it? | ||
| I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a goddamn professional comedian. | |
| I'm a Jewish entertainer in New York City. | ||
| We like to drink and do drugs! | ||
| This mock anger is so awesome. | ||
| I was howling, laughing, driving to Segura's house. | ||
| I got there, I go, have you been listening to Nari's podcast? | ||
| He's like, well, yeah, the latest one was 35 minutes. | ||
| I go, it's 35 minutes of gold for me and you. | ||
| I go, I'm not sure if everyone's listening, but me and you should listen. | ||
| I think it's meant for us. | ||
| Well, I'm glad he decided to go with it. | ||
| It's awesome stuff. | ||
| He was the one that said no weed. | ||
| He was the one. | ||
| He texted me personally, and he goes, personally, I don't think you have a problem. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| And if you're going to do no booze, I'm going to take away the thing I care about, and that's weed. | ||
| And then he texted that to me, him, and Tom. | ||
| And then I made that video of me running the thing, and in it I was like, no weed. | ||
| And I said it to Tom, and Tom's like, I don't know if Joe knows about no weed yet. | ||
| And then you were like, hey guys, I'm not doing no weed. | ||
| And then Ari's like, oh, I'll bully him into a corner and see if I can get him to do it. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It wasn't affecting me at all, the bullying. | ||
| I thought it was hilarious. | ||
| I thought it was too. | ||
| But I was willing to do it because I was like, alright. | ||
| Well, two things I thought. | ||
| One, the optics. | ||
| It doesn't look good if I'm telling you guys to quit the booze, and then when it comes to the weed, I'm like, no, no, that wasn't a part of the deal. | ||
| But I'm like, I want people to know that it's not hard to quit weed. | ||
| It's really easy. | ||
| And yeah, I know I'm only quitting it for a month, but... | ||
| I'm telling you, it's fucking easy. | ||
| Like, it has literally changed nothing about my life. | ||
| Like, I can do all the same things. | ||
| I think marijuana, like anything, can be abused. | ||
| But I also think it's a valuable tool. | ||
| And I think as long as you use it as a tool. | ||
| And I think one of the things about this experience is I think I'm going to use it more judiciously. | ||
| I'm going to use it less, I think. | ||
| I'm going to be that way with alcohol. | ||
| I want to enjoy it. | ||
| I want it to be part of the party as opposed to it be the thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The very accurate statement is going out to the patio in the store, sometimes you do see something that I was just part of my night was like, do my set, go to the patio in the store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As opposed to like Burr, I always think Burr uses booze properly. | ||
| He's like, get done a set, and he's like, you want to go have a whiskey? | ||
| And you go back to that back bar, and you have a whiskey with him, and you talk about something for 30 minutes, not overkill. | ||
| And he's like, alright, I just made the drive home interesting, I'm going. | ||
| Yeah, he's a disciplined guy. | ||
| He's an interesting guy in that regard. | ||
| He works really hard, he's very disciplined, but he's also very smart in understanding the trappings, where things can go wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a wise man. | ||
| He is. | ||
| There's a lot of them out there, man. | ||
| You know, you just got to find him and cultivate him and we're very lucky. | ||
| Very fucking lucky. | ||
| I will say, me personally, I'm very lucky to have the group of friends I have because I go, I look back, I remember you telling me a long time ago over a shot of whiskey, you don't have to have shitty friends. | ||
| A lot of people like you. | ||
| Just let them be your friend. | ||
| Well, you had a few people in your life that were monsters. | ||
| I was not good at figuring that. | ||
| I remember you were like, you were a really good guy. | ||
| We were at the Ice House. | ||
| You were a really good guy, and everyone was trying to be your friend. | ||
| Just let it happen. | ||
| But I was so protected. | ||
| Well, you had that one monster in your life, and once you got rid of him, everything kind of went smoother. | ||
| And you also realized, oh, other comedians actually want you to succeed. | ||
| They're not trying to hold you down. | ||
| They're not trying to shit on you and literally remove parts of you. | ||
| They want you to be happy. | ||
| They want to enhance. | ||
| Also, you realize that there's beauty in that community of seeing people succeed and being happy for them. | ||
| And they're happy for you, and you're happy for each other, and everybody can get together and laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Joey Diaz called me the other night and the fight's on. | ||
| And he goes, dog, fuck spots. | ||
| Let's watch a fight. | ||
| I want to see Muddy Mouse. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| The video of you guys all together and Joey's high as fuck. | ||
| You know you got a contact high. | ||
| You probably broke the rules by hanging out with Joey. | ||
| I definitely thought about that. | ||
| He's lighting two joints at a time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just him. | |
| It's just him. | ||
| He's lighting two joints at a time. | ||
| Have you seen that video of him, Joey Diaz, talking about his State of the Union address? | ||
| Talking about making North Korea glow in the dark? | ||
| Find it. | ||
| I think it's on... | ||
| You're talking about making it? | ||
| It's on... | ||
| We're fucking Americans. | ||
| He's wearing a green shirt. | ||
| And I was crying. | ||
| Literally tears rolling down my face when I was watching. | ||
| I think it's on the Mad Flavors World Instagram account. | ||
| I know you can find it. | ||
| Show me what you got. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says October 5th. | |
| Let me see what it looks like. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| He takes the glasses off. | ||
| Just play this and we'll go out with this. | ||
| Burr Kreischer, I'm proud of you, man. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| We're going to leave you guys with the great and powerful Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get up, cocksuckers. | |
| It's all over. | ||
| Listen, we had a rough couple of months. | ||
| Fucking Katrina's cousin Maria. | ||
| The other one, Puerto Rico, Houston, fucking Florida. | ||
| Listen, it's been tough up to now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The earthquake in Mexico. | |
| You know, the White House, whoever the fuck is going on. | ||
| But it don't matter. | ||
| They want to shoot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's time for us to fucking shoot, cocksuckers. | |
| They want to get down and dirty. | ||
| Don't forget who the fuck we are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You understand me? | |
| We're the baddest motherfuckers out there. | ||
| You send a message to that fucking North Korean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to be sniffing my dick and sucking my asshole. | |
| That's the focus. | ||
| We're going to North Korea in like a year. | ||
| It's going to be an island. | ||
| It's gonna glow in the dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know why? | |
| Because we're Americans, cocksuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? | |
| Stop with the gun control. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're selling more guns than ever the last three days. | |
| Stop with the fucking whining. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop with the Russians on Facebook. | |
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Worry about yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep your eyes open. | |
| And get the fuck off Snapchat and fucking Twitter, cocksucker. | ||
| Stay black He is so fucking funny He's the best ever, man. |
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