Oct. 11, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:47:31
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| What is he, 50 now? | ||
| 55. No, no. | ||
| Dog! | ||
| Mommies, put your jeans up high and tight. | ||
| Christina P is here. | ||
| Oh my, I'm so honored that you did that. | ||
| Oh, I even put it in the Instagram post. | ||
| OMG! I can't believe it. | ||
| I don't even know what it means. | ||
| You don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I still don't. | |
| I remember being on your show and I was like, what does mommies mean? | ||
| Why does everybody call you guys jeans? | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| It's just stupid. | ||
| It really started with, like, what's the dumbest thing we could call a show? | ||
| Your mom's house. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Let's talk about jeans and mommies. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| It's all about farts. | ||
| But it's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Your show's a very fun, silly show. | ||
| You guys obviously have a good time. | ||
| We have the best time. | ||
| It is like, it's how Tom and I normally are, and then we just put microphones, which is good. | ||
| It's just stupid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Farts, and I don't know. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I feel like, too, I feel like we serve a demographic. | ||
| Like, okay, for instance, I was at the Rite Aid. | ||
| I was going to go use the toilet, and this guy stalking the shelves goes, Christina P. And I was like, yeah, how do you know? | ||
| And he's like, I'm a mommy. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| This is fucking awesome! | ||
| These are the people that are stalking shit and driving the trucks and sitting in cubicles. | ||
| These are the podcasting world of humans. | ||
| Yeah, people that are doing other stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're not watching a show. | ||
| If you're watching a show for the most part, you're sitting down and watching it. | ||
| But if you're listening to a podcast, you're doing other stuff. | ||
| Yeah, you're kind of cleaning the house, doing whatever, and laughing and... | ||
| But you guys put up videos as well. | ||
| Like, how much of your show is video? | ||
| Like, what percentage of your audience? | ||
| Oh, oh, that's funny. | ||
| Video stuff? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Who watches the YouTube stuff? | ||
| Yeah, like YouTube. | ||
| Like, what's the difference between, like, the YouTube audience versus the audio? | ||
| It's smaller. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the audio is the hardcores, and then... | ||
| Isn't that interesting, though? | ||
| The video is secondary, yeah. | ||
| Like, a lot of people would have thought, no way. | ||
| Like, video is always going to be... | ||
| Seeing it is better, because it's an added element. | ||
| Yeah, but I have a theory. | ||
| It's because our show, we play, like, porno clips and fart sounds and stuff that's not appropriate for the workplace. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| So if you've got YouTube on your... | ||
| Earplugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On your speakers or whatever, and then it's, oh, fuck me, huh, and then you get fired from your job, dude. | ||
| Throatzilla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's better. | |
| It's, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, remember her? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| I can't believe Tommy met her. | ||
| I know, and I was like, texting him like, don't forget your family. | ||
| You have a child with me, don't forget. | ||
| Like he would ever, you know. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine? | |
| No, I can't. | ||
| That's the craziest part. | ||
| But yeah, it's been a great show and it's, you know, we have you to thank because you were the one that told us to start it. | ||
| I tell everybody to start, though. | ||
| Back in the day, but you got us. | ||
| I'm Johnny Appleseed. | ||
| I'm just, you should do a podcast. | ||
| I've sent it to 100 people, but luckily 50 of them listened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, thank God. | ||
| Maybe 30, probably. | ||
| But some of them are really good. | ||
| There's some really good podcasts that have come out of my stupid stone suggestions. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| You're the great motivator, the great challenger, the great beginner of fat shaming campaigns and sobriety. | ||
| That was not me! | ||
| I can't take credit for that. | ||
| That fat shaming was all Bert and Tom talking shit to each other. | ||
| But then you came up with the idea to have the challenge. | ||
| Yes, the weight loss contest. | ||
| Well, we sat down and we tried to figure out what to do. | ||
| We should have something fun. | ||
| Some sort of... | ||
| There's also an issue that's going on. | ||
| Like, it's going on right now with Ari, and it was going on with them, where people on the outside think it's serious. | ||
| And this is probably a good time to address this. | ||
| Like, people on the outside that think that we're actually mad at Ari, or that Ari is actually, like, not good for his word. | ||
| That's... | ||
| These are jokes, folks. | ||
| We're fucking around. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, this is all just... | ||
| And so, all you people that take it seriously... | ||
| Don't take anything serious. | ||
| Unless we say, this is serious. | ||
| Don't take it seriously. | ||
| Like, all that Bird is Fat, Thomas Fat stuff, we were having a great time with it. | ||
| They were having fun with it. | ||
| And the Ari's and Welcher stuff, that stuff is bullshit, alright? | ||
| Ari is, like, for real, one of the most honest guys I've ever met in my life. | ||
| And for sure, he wasn't excited about paying for those guys to go to fucking Europe for a soccer game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That doesn't mean he wouldn't have honored his bet. | ||
| But then it got complicated because I paid for the bet and I sent those guys to a basketball game. | ||
| What was the game again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cavs Warriors. | |
| Is that a big game? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was, yeah. | |
| For sure at the time. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Do you get it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do I get it? | ||
| Go to a basketball game? | ||
| Oh, it's the most boring thing in the world for me. | ||
| Watch some guys throw a ball around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Best players in the world are on those two teams. | |
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Do they do really good at throwing the ball in the hole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really, really good at it. | |
| Do you like sports at all, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Really? | ||
| I thought for sure. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not football? | ||
| No, I get so bored. | ||
| Oh, it bores the shit out of me, too. | ||
| And Tom's been trying to explain this shit to me for years, and I'm like, I don't... | ||
| Okay, they run five seconds, and then comes the show after the show, where the four white guys talk about the fucking game they just watched for two more hours. | ||
| Yeah, what? | ||
| And making the stupid jokes. | ||
| Those fucking white guys that do the fucking commentary, they're the worst. | ||
| You can't find funnier people? | ||
| That Skip Bayless, because that's his name? | ||
| That guy? | ||
| Could you imagine being stuck on a plane with that guy right now? | ||
| He just keeps talking to you with shit breath. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, all the bad... | ||
| Probably a nice guy. | ||
| I shouldn't talk shit. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Terrible person. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| And they're all, you know, dogs. | ||
| They're all bad-looking dudes. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know what? | ||
| I like terrible, boring things, though. | ||
| I watch professional pool. | ||
| I watch hunting shows. | ||
| Like, my wife comes home and she looks at our DVR. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| This is the DVR. Kickboxing, MMA, bow hunting, bow hunting, bow hunting, bow hunting, real crime stories. | ||
| That's Tommy, yeah. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| It's murder, killing, killing, punching, murder. | ||
| Most of it, though, is hunting. | ||
| I'm so obsessed with hunting. | ||
| Most of my DVR is these bow hunting shows. | ||
| But that's your jam, so that's your hobby, and are you watching it for tips and Yes. | ||
| Well, you watch them to figure out what to do in certain situations, which seems ridiculous. | ||
| Like, just shoot the animal. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Get near it, shoot it. | ||
| It's one of those things on the outside, it looks very simple, but on the inside, it's very complex. | ||
| That's how everything... | ||
| Okay, like surfing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's super easy. | ||
| No, it ain't. | ||
| That's like the hardest fucking thing in the world to learn to do. | ||
| Have you ever seen an indoor one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, they have these indoor ones. | ||
| They have a woman, Austin, bro. | ||
| You get on a surfboard and you can go on it for like 10 minutes. | ||
| Get out. | ||
| They say it's an amazing way to get good because you don't have to wait for waves. | ||
| It's a machine. | ||
| So there's this huge pool. | ||
| You get in there with a surfboard and you surf like fucking crazy and you just keep doing it. | ||
| And you don't have to paddle, paddle, paddle out, turn the fucking board around. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I would imagine you're developing those stabilizer muscles, right? | ||
| Like I was talking to guys that have... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, I love it. | ||
| I love this stuff. | ||
| Like look, you just surf around and you get used to like balancing. | ||
| Isn't that insane? | ||
| So this would be a good way... | ||
| I don't like that guy. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Just kidding, buddy. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| I don't like his face. | ||
| Is it going to be a good way to develop all those weird muscles? | ||
| That's one of the things that you realize when you start doing yoga, is that there's all these weird muscles that you didn't know that were weak. | ||
| These weird stabilizer muscles in your feet. | ||
| The number one thing that bothered me when I first started doing yoga is my feet. | ||
| My feet would give out before anything. | ||
| I was like, this is so weird. | ||
| They would just give out. | ||
| Your ankles, you mean? | ||
| No, my feet. | ||
| Because you're standing on one foot and you're balancing, so your foot has to do all this adjusting. | ||
| And while that's happening, my foot's getting fatigued. | ||
| The arch of my foot starts hurting and I have to put it down. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It took me a long time to get past that. | ||
| So now, were you a huge fan of hot yoga before you came up with this challenge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, I've been doing it for a few years now. | ||
| I've been doing it pretty seriously for two years. | ||
| I did it on and off for a couple years before that, but I got real serious about two years and two months ago. | ||
| I just started doing it every week. | ||
| Now, what's the benefit of the heat? | ||
| Heat shock proteins. | ||
| And this hasn't been proven, but there's a study they're doing right now, I think at Harvard, about this. | ||
| Because it's been proven that sauna... | ||
| There's a woman that I have on the podcast all the time. | ||
| She's brilliant. | ||
| Her name is Dr. Rhonda Patrick. | ||
| And she's like one of my favorite people. | ||
| And her... | ||
| She's done a bunch of work on saunas. | ||
| She's kind of obsessed with cryotherapy, cold shock proteins, and heat shock proteins. | ||
| And your body has a response to extreme heat and extreme cold by producing these anti-inflammatory cytokines. | ||
| And when you go into a hot sauna, I think it's four times a week, if you could do it four times a week, it reduces mortality amongst all causes by 40%. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Stroke, heart attack, cancer, everything. | ||
| And it's because most of the issues that people have, health-wise, stem from inflammation. | ||
| And it's inflammation from sugar, poor diet, but you can mitigate a lot of that inflammation with sauna. | ||
| And I think yoga mimics the sauna. | ||
| Because it is so fucking hot in the room, right? | ||
| The room is 105 degrees. | ||
| And then once you start exercising, your body's through the roof. | ||
| I mean, a lot of times I'm doing poses and I have my arms straight out and I'm watching water just pour out of my body under the ground. | ||
| I don't have a shirt on, right? | ||
| So it's not like it's coming out of a wet shirt. | ||
| It's just pouring off my body, drip, drip, drip, drip, just squeezing all the water out of my body. | ||
| And I drink a large 64-ounce bottle of water filled with ice during the entire class. | ||
| So in that 90-minute class, I'm drinking 64 ounces of water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's a tremendous amount of stress on your body from that heat and from the poses themselves. | ||
| And so I would like to see what happens when the results of this study come back, because I think they're going to show probably a similar effect to the anti-inflammatory markers in the blood that you see from sauna. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| Yeah, a sauna's amazing. | ||
| If you can get a sauna near your house. | ||
| I want one. | ||
| We were just talking about that this morning, man. | ||
| They sell them that you can install a small one. | ||
| The new studio has a sauna. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Dude, you can come on over anytime. | ||
| Okay, I'll do your sauna. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm on that primal diet. | ||
| I've been doing it since I... Oh, Mark Sisson's diet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For like, I don't know, almost a year now. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| That's the big thing. | ||
| She says, my trainer, I take Pilates. | ||
| She says, it's the inflammation. | ||
| It's the inflammation. | ||
| You don't want to be inflamed. | ||
| I'm like, oh. | ||
| Now I see. | ||
| I got it from a woman once. | ||
| She told me, she's a trainer, and she said, and she was talking to me about back issues, issues that people have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And she goes, one of the, this is going to sound really weird, but one of the best ways that we figured out how to help people with back issues is get them to go on a gluten-free diet. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| This was like a few years back. | ||
| I was having like some neck problems. | ||
| And I was like, a gluten-free diet? | ||
| Why? | ||
| And she's like, well, gluten causes inflammation in a lot of people. | ||
| I was like, oh, that sounds like some New Age hippie bullshit, right? | ||
| So then I started looking into it, and then I realized, oh, there's something to this. | ||
| And then I'm like, oh, it's not just gluten. | ||
| It's actually refined carbohydrates and refined sugars and all that stuff. | ||
| But gluten, too. | ||
| You know, Maynard from Tool. | ||
| Do you know that dude? | ||
| Maynard Keenan? | ||
| I know, but I know who Tool is. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's a really good dude. | ||
| But he also has his own vineyard and a restaurant in Osteria. | ||
| You ever knew what an Osteria is? | ||
| I didn't know until he told me. | ||
| It's a small restaurant that serves like small plates. | ||
| It's like sort of like tapas. | ||
| That's like a similar type thing. | ||
| Like Italian tapas. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But anyway, he has, they serve pasta that is heirloom pasta. | ||
| And I'm like, well, what do you mean? | ||
| He's like, we use heirloom wheat. | ||
| Because the wheat that they used to sell, like wheat that people used to grow, like way back in the early days, was much more low yield. | ||
| So the same thing that people have done to tomatoes and a lot of things by making them more robust. | ||
| When they did this to wheat, they made a much higher yield wheat. | ||
| So if you have an acre of wheat, you get much more wheat out of it, but it has much more complex glutens in it and it's more difficult for your body to process. | ||
| So one of the things that I noticed when we went to Italy is I was eating pasta over there and it didn't give me this horrible brick in my stomach feeling. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I feel like you want to die afterwards. | ||
| Why is it different? | ||
| He was explaining. | ||
| He's like, your body is struggling to process this modern gluten, this modern wheat. | ||
| But he sells this stuff that's heirloom. | ||
| Sort of like those ugly tomatoes, those delicious heirloom tomatoes. | ||
| I love those. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| That's what a tomato used to be like. | ||
| They used to be this... | ||
| Like, weird, funky looking, but super delicious. | ||
| Almost like a fruit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, I don't even eat pasta. | ||
| I haven't had it in like a year. | ||
| Like, you know, every now and then I have a nibble. | ||
| But the thought of eating a bowl of it now, it's repulsive. | ||
| Like, just that empty... | ||
| There's no nutrition. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's nothing in it. | ||
| It's just dog shit. | ||
| And it's going to turn to slop on your body, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I don't like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gross. | |
| I eat it every now and then. | ||
| I still eat it. | ||
| I ate it the other day. | ||
| I made sausage and I bought some of that Italian pasta. | ||
| Yeah, the real deal. | ||
| Yeah, the real deal. | ||
| You get it. | ||
| I think it's called Double Zero Wheat. | ||
| Is it the type that they have? | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| And you can get it from Italy. | ||
| Get it on Amazon.com. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah, because I order eggs that are, like, super organic, fancy ones, too. | ||
| Dude, I gotta give you eggs. | ||
| Oh, do you have chickens? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I gotta give you eggs. | ||
| Oh, man, I want chickens. | ||
| Yeah, I'll give you some fresh eggs. | ||
| Yeah, I love that. | ||
| You guys have a nice yard. | ||
| You should get a little chicken coop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the next... | |
| I thought it was Jamie. | ||
| That was good. | ||
| No. | ||
| But yeah, I want to get chickens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I like, you know, in Europe, the yolks are nice and bright orange. | ||
| Dark, yeah. | ||
| They shouldn't be yellow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's really nasty, dude. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's why you see vegetarian-fed chickens. | ||
| Like, they don't want that. | ||
| Chickens want bugs and worms and beetles and mice. | ||
| They're little monsters. | ||
| They nasty. | ||
| Yeah, they're nasty little frickers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're nasty shit. | |
| But it's such a good deal. | ||
| You give them food, you let them roam around your yard, they pluck at the grass, and they eat bugs, and they give you eggs. | ||
| It's like a super sweet deal. | ||
| Now, do they shit everywhere? | ||
| Everywhere! | ||
| You have a dog? | ||
| You have a dog, right? | ||
| You've got two dogs. | ||
| Okay, your dog's going to eat all the chicken shit. | ||
| It's fucking gross. | ||
| Marshall goes in the yard and just goes on a chicken shit Easter egg hunt. | ||
| So gross. | ||
| It's the circle of life, right? | ||
| You see him, just... | ||
| Gobbling up chicken turds. | ||
| You're like, dude, you're so nasty. | ||
| This is a nasty dog. | ||
| And then he wants to run over and kiss you. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And then does he sleep in your bed, too? | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Where does the doggy sleep? | ||
| He sleeps in his dog bed. | ||
| Oh, in your room, though? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Somewhere else in the house. | ||
| No, he sleeps in my office. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's got a little dog bed. | ||
| He's got a sweet little setup. | ||
| This is the puppy you just got. | ||
| Yeah, he's 11 months now. | ||
| He's a big boy now. | ||
| He's full grown. | ||
| Golden Retrievers, they get to be full grown pretty quick. | ||
| He's the sweetest dog. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| They're such great dogs. | ||
| They're so loving and they're such good family dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's really smart. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| You can talk to him. | ||
| Come here, buddy. | ||
| He just comes. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| The communication with him is very simple. | ||
| And he's just always happy. | ||
| He's just a big sweetie. | ||
| Yeah, they have a good demeanor, those dogs. | ||
| Yeah, really peaceful. | ||
| Can he chill alone or does he need to be with a person? | ||
| No, he chills alone. | ||
| You know, I can just go, hey bro, why don't you just go chill out in the backyard? | ||
| And he goes out in the yard. | ||
| He goes swimming by himself, which is kind of hilarious. | ||
| Like the pool's there and he just flies through the air and dives in the water by himself. | ||
| And then as he's, what's really silly is as he's swimming, he's paddling and he creates these splashes and he tries to bite him. | ||
| So it's splash. | ||
| It's like, it's so silly. | ||
| So silly. | ||
| I love doggies. | ||
| Yeah, they're great. | ||
| I want a whole, I want like ten of them. | ||
| I have these little shit dogs. | ||
| They're called Brussels Griffon. | ||
| That's my breed. | ||
| They look like pugs, but with more fur. | ||
| And they're just so stupid, and I love them. | ||
| But they always want to be next to you. | ||
| They always want to snuggle. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You're nice. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I am, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they want to be near nice. | ||
| You're nice. | ||
| Why wouldn't they be? | ||
| I'm very snuggly. | ||
| I know, I like that shit. | ||
| Why wouldn't you be? | ||
| I know. | ||
| People that don't like dogs, like, what don't you like about them? | ||
| That they're sweet, that they're loving. | ||
| And they're stoked to see you all the time? | ||
| There's a weird thing, though, with people that only like dogs and don't like people. | ||
| Oh, that's too much. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, your personality probably sucks, man. | ||
| The person that's strictly dog? | ||
| Is that what you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I'd rather be around dogs than people. | ||
| No, that's fucked up. | ||
| That's a therapy problem. | ||
| You know what the next step is? | ||
| Horse people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck a horse. | |
| I judge horse people. | ||
| There's horse people in my neighborhood. | ||
| I judge them. | ||
| I don't like horses. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| I don't want to ride them. | ||
| I don't like them. | ||
| They smell bad. | ||
| I mean, they're pretty from the distance. | ||
| Don't tell that to Whitney. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I see her on Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She loves those fucking horses. | |
| She loves her horse. | ||
| What do they love so much about these horses? | ||
| Whitney's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's very smart. | ||
| Like, one of the smartest people I've ever met. | ||
| But she's fucking insane. | ||
| In a good way. | ||
| But, like, she has so much information. | ||
| Every time I talk to her, I have to Google something. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| What does she know about? | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| She told me about weird, violent sports that I didn't even know existed. | ||
| One of the things she was telling me is why people have a fear of public speaking. | ||
| This is something that she said the last time she was on the podcast. | ||
| And I said, why? | ||
| And she's like, because in the past, when you spoke in public, it was because you were trying to make a case for your survival. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| That they were looking at you like you fucked up and there was a big group of people judging you. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I would think it's fear of alienation from the pack. | ||
| It's the same reason people are afraid of success. | ||
| It's because you don't want to lose your connection to the tribe because it separates you from the tribe. | ||
| Well, as a comic, don't you notice that when people get to be a certain level of success... | ||
| There's some of them, like some of them, some of them just stay cool and they just hang no matter what. | ||
| Like Ron White. | ||
| Ron White is always just hanging out. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| And he's about as big as you get. | ||
| I mean, Ron White has sold out fucking arenas, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| But, you know, you hang with Ron, he's like, hey man, what's going on? | ||
| You know, you want a drink? | ||
| Gives you a hug and he's the best, right? | ||
| But like some people, they get insulated and they get weird and then they lose touch with everybody and then their comedy suffers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, because you can't be removed from the world to talk about the world. | ||
| It doesn't really work that way, does it? | ||
| No. | ||
| How do you stay normal? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| Like, how do you stay normal? | ||
| You're super successful. | ||
| I think one of the reasons is because I do a lot of other shit, like the yoga. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think doing yoga, like, it's difficult. | ||
| Doing jujitsu, bow hunting. | ||
| Bow hunting is one of the hardest things I've ever done. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's super difficult. | ||
| Super difficult to get accurate, super intense pressure on the line when you have to execute a shot on a living creature. | ||
| And then, you know, just to get obsessed with the whole, the methodology behind it and all the technique and all the, and learning and studying it and just, I get obsessed with things. | ||
| So, by doing things I suck at, like yoga, bow hunting, and jujitsu, you get more humble, you know? | ||
| I suck less at jujitsu than I do with other things, but I still suck in comparison to people that are really good. | ||
| That's really interesting. | ||
| I like that because I started baking. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Very domestic. | ||
| And I suck at it. | ||
| I'm fucking terrible at it. | ||
| But you have to think. | ||
| But I have to think, and I'm learning, and it's for the thrill and the joy of doing it. | ||
| It's not result-oriented, and I think that's the difference between hobbies and career, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| There's no results that need to happen with you in bow hunting. | ||
| If they happen, great. | ||
| If not, whatever. | ||
| But it's for the enjoyment of the activity versus results. | ||
| Like, oh, why should I play the piano? | ||
| I'm not going to get to Carnegie Hall. | ||
| Who says you have to get to Carnegie Hall? | ||
| Just enjoy the activity. | ||
| The hobby. | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| And being obsessed with the process of learning. | ||
| Because you're a beginner. | ||
| Whereas opposed to if you're some mega celebrity, superstar comedian that sells out giant arenas, you're not a beginner, man. | ||
| And if that's all you do, if all you do is something you're awesome at, and everybody loves you, and you go out, what's up everybody? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| There's a weird disconnect that happens with people. | ||
| And you see it with certain comics. | ||
| I mean, you see a clear progression in their stardom and their act falling apart. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that is because of the loss of touch with reality and what's normal in the world. | ||
| Also, you get too fucking comfortable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Complacency. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you start believing that you're awesome. | ||
| The self-critical aspect of analyzing your act, going over with a fine-tooth comb. | ||
| When you just did this special, I'm sure you must have spent a lot of time combing. | ||
| Every word mattered. | ||
| Every sentence mattered. | ||
| Every joke mattered. | ||
| That's why you're really good. | ||
| That's the whole thing. | ||
| You have to fucking hate yourself. | ||
| So much! | ||
| So much! | ||
| It's the worst! | ||
| I'm so glad you said that because, you know, like I said, I told you before we wrote, like, October 9th, I was just some douchebag who sold 200 tickets in Portland, and I'm still that person, but I'm saying, like, October 10th, 108 million people now have access to my stamp card. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a bit of a mindfuck, but the good news is I'm still self-loathing enough to be Like, you gotta grind. | ||
| I'm still gonna go to the comedy store, work out this next hour, and it's always the work of it. | ||
| But you do have to fucking hate. | ||
| You can't believe the hype that you're great. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| You know all the various incarnations your act has gone through and each bit has gone through. | ||
| When someone comes to see you, they're like, We're gonna go see Christina! | ||
| I'm with the mommies! | ||
| And they see you, and it's the first time hearing all the material, and they love it, like, oh my god, it was fucking amazing! | ||
| You know better, because you know you've gone through it all, and you've picked it apart, and, you know, I always tell people, like, I'm not like the biggest fan of me. | ||
| I think I can do better. | ||
| No matter how much I murder. | ||
| Of your comedy? | ||
| Of all of it. | ||
| And you're like one of the most thoughtful, thought-provoking, funny, articulate. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're really deep and good. | ||
| I've known myself too well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not buying it. | |
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| You're like, I don't believe. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| That's what I was talking to Tom about. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| This morning, too, we were walking and I was like, I think that's how you keep your career, is if you struggle as though it was the first. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, you don't think you're all that. | ||
| Do stuff that you're sucking at, too. | ||
| Do the baking, do the hot yoga, do Pilates. | ||
| Pilates is very underrated. | ||
| Fucking, it kicks my ass. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I don't like to exercise, but after I had my kid, I was like, I don't want to be brittle and hunched over and shitty at 50. I'm looking to 50. And Pilates is like a core thing. | ||
| It works your whole core. | ||
| That's the thing that people don't think about. | ||
| It's like a hip word to use, like core. | ||
| Working my core. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I don't know what that was. | ||
| What it really means, what you really gotta work, is not just your muscles like your thighs or your arms, but work the stuff that keeps you upright. | ||
| All those muscles that stabilize your back. | ||
| All those muscles that allow you to have good posture. | ||
| All those muscles that keep your discs from compressing. | ||
| And that's one of the things that yoga does. | ||
| It stretches you out and Pilates. | ||
| I gotta get back into yoga. | ||
| Go watch you go with Tommy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm gonna go. | ||
| When I had a kid, it fucked up. | ||
| I got sciatica. | ||
| Because, you know, your body literally splits in half. | ||
| Your pelvis is two bones, right, that come apart. | ||
| And the baby comes out, and then it has to heal. | ||
| So I'm two years postpartum, and it's just now kind of coming back. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| But, yeah, dude, it's brutal. | ||
| I'm sure being 39 or 40 when I had a baby probably wasn't, you know, helpful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that Pilates, it kicks my eye. | ||
| And I'm bad at it, too. | ||
| I suck at Pilates. | ||
| And I make fun of myself the whole time. | ||
| I'm like, do I have perfect form? | ||
| Am I the best at this you've ever seen? | ||
| But you still do it. | ||
| You still fucking push yourself. | ||
| Well, doing things that you suck at, I think, is giant for anyone doing anything. | ||
| Because I think that if you get to certain levels of proficiency at things... | ||
| You can get lost in that thing. | ||
| And I think one of the best ways, especially, maybe I'm just looking at it in terms of creative endeavors, because stand-up obviously is so dependent upon your ideas, so dependent upon creativity, that one of the best ways for me to have other thoughts other than just my immediate act and doing shows and travel, that's the worst thing that happens in comics, right? | ||
| They start doing airplane jokes, because they're on airplanes all the time, and hotel jokes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They just lose their perspective, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do other shit. | ||
| Yeah, live a life. | ||
| Yeah, live a life and do stuff that's fucking hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, have some struggles so that the stand-up struggle doesn't seem that... | ||
| Stand-up is the easiest fucking part of my day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| After, you know, doing it for 14 years, yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| After yoga and running and all the different shit I do, the stand-up part is the easiest part. | ||
| You know, it's so interesting, too. | ||
| I was thinking about... | ||
| I've been doing it for 14 years before I got this first special. | ||
| And I was thinking about the crazy shit you go through to be a comic. | ||
| And the horrible positions I put myself... | ||
| As a woman, too, it's especially fucked up. | ||
| Because you're like... | ||
| A feature act and you're staying in like motels where the door faces the fucking parking lot and you're doing some hibachi grill and some weirdo's gonna try to pay you with a fur coat instead of money this week. | ||
| And you're like, what kind of sickness was I in in my 20s and 30s where I thought that was... | ||
| Okay, you know, you really would only do it when you're young. | ||
| Like if you wanted to start that right now, it would be such a grind. | ||
| Like guys like Dean Del Rey, like give it up to that guy. | ||
| That guy didn't even start doing stand-up. | ||
| He was like, I think he was like 46 or some crazy shit like that. | ||
| Dean's in his 50s. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| Looks great. | ||
| You know why he looks great? | ||
| He looked like shit just a few years ago. | ||
| He got off sugar completely. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He was eating candy all day. | ||
| He had like a real sugar problem and he went to the doctor and the doctor said, hey, bro, you're going to get fucking diabetes. | ||
| You are right now pre-diabetic. | ||
| He's like, see this? | ||
| Look at your blood. | ||
| They showed him the blood markers. | ||
| I'm like, you're on the way. | ||
| Like, you are right now officially pre-diabetic. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| And he said, well, I eat gummy bears and shit and... | ||
| I can't do his voice either. | ||
| I'm eating gummy bears, man! | ||
| He would eat candy all day long. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So bad. | ||
| So bad for you. | ||
| That sugar is the worst for you. | ||
| That's the fucking devil right there. | ||
| It is the devil. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they say your body doesn't really differentiate between fruit and candy. | ||
| I had a trainer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that crazy? | |
| I had a trainer that called it nature's candy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| He's like, uh-uh, fruit, nature's candy. | ||
| Is it a black guy or a country guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Where do you live? | ||
| Some guy at Goldberg. | ||
| From Wyoming. | ||
| He used to live with cowboy boots on. | ||
| Don't be eating that nature's candy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nature's candy. | |
| Have yourself a wheat biscuit. | ||
| He was a miner. | ||
| He was telling me about Nature's Candy, the evil of it. | ||
| And I was like, that's true. | ||
| It's just fucking sugar. | ||
| Yeah, but it's so good. | ||
| I had mango the other day. | ||
| Oh, so delicious. | ||
| Nice ripe mango. | ||
| They make you shit, too. | ||
| Makes me shit. | ||
| That's like lightning. | ||
| You know what makes me shit? | ||
| What? | ||
| Fucking coffee. | ||
| Caveman coffee. | ||
| This stuff opens up. | ||
| Sometimes I shit like the other day I shit and I tell my seven-year-old about it Tell her she's like daddy you almost done cuz I was playing with her and I had to take this horrible shit I just yeah taking her to a martial arts class and we've gotten home and I go I'll play with you But first I gotta go potty and I was in there like five minutes. | ||
| She's like daddy you almost done I'm like look the shit I took was so huge. | ||
| I was almost gonna show it to you. | ||
| Yeah, I say the poop I don't say shit I don't know why. | ||
| I'm preparing. | ||
| You don't curse in front of the... | ||
| I do occasionally. | ||
| But here's the problem. | ||
| When she was three, when my youngest was three, we were skiing. | ||
| She's been skiing since she was like two. | ||
| And we took her skiing, and we were putting all our stuff back in. | ||
| And we had everything stacked up, but we were putting bags away. | ||
| We were getting ready to leave. | ||
| And my wife goes, Honey, you didn't put your helmet back in. | ||
| In the bag. | ||
| And she looks at the helmet, she looks at the bag, and she goes, Shit. | ||
| There's something about a three-year-old looking at her bag, looking at the helmet and going, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| And my wife just goes, whoo! | ||
| And we were trying not to laugh, to encourage her, but it was fucking hilarious. | ||
| Because it was unnatural. | ||
| She's like, that's what you're supposed to say. | ||
| That's what daddy says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Well, that's the problem is that our son has two comics for parents. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| So the other day he was throwing a tantrum and then he pushes Tom and he hits him. | ||
| And we're just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's ridiculous. | |
| You're not even a person yet. | ||
| I'm fucking hitting you, Dad. | ||
| But then we had to be like... | ||
| Hey, buddy. | ||
| Hey, buddy. | ||
| How old is he now? | ||
| Two? | ||
| Almost. | ||
| Yeah, he's 20, 22 months. | ||
| And we're starting that potty training stuff. | ||
| So we got to come up with the word. | ||
| Like you said, poo. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so we started using dump because we wanted to be like... | ||
| Dump's good. | ||
| Because it would be really funny when he's in school and he's like, I have to take a dump. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not dirty. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| So we started with dump, but he can't say it, so it's turned to poo-poo. | ||
| Oh, that's an easy one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poo-poo. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, poo-poo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a trip, man. | ||
| You don't want to give your kid a word for shit that they can't say. | ||
| No, that's right. | ||
| So it's got to be poo-poo for them. | ||
| Shavansda. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shavansda. | |
| You want to make it mama, da-da, poo-poo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Very simple. | ||
| Now, my son insists on sitting on my lap while I take a shit sometimes. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Well, that's the difference between the way kids treat the girl, the mommy, and the daddy. | ||
| The mommy they cling to, you know? | ||
| I mean, did you breastfeed or did you pump? | ||
| I did, yeah. | ||
| Did you do both? | ||
| Did you do the pump thing? | ||
| Did both, man. | ||
| Did it all. | ||
| Formula, breasts. | ||
| So they're just connected to you. | ||
| Just like physically. | ||
| You are the source of nutrients. | ||
| You're the source of love. | ||
| You're the source of life. | ||
| There's like so much going on. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does it feel like? | |
| Powerful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| As far as being a woman in society, societally it's not that great. | ||
| But I will say that reproduction stuff, it's fucking awesome. | ||
| How is it not great societally? | ||
| Well, okay. | ||
| I mean, you know, we're still second-class citizens, let's be honest. | ||
| Women are? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, your power is... | ||
| I don't really feel... | ||
| It's not really, you know, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| It's not really equal. | ||
| But you don't exist in a corporate world, so where do you find... | ||
| I don't. | ||
| But where do you find the deficit? | ||
| Well, in stand-up, definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I think it's starting to come around. | ||
| But if you look at, like, where we're at now, it feels a little regressive in terms of where we were in, like, the 90s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With women? | |
| For female comedy. | ||
| I would say, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| What do you think the source of that is? | ||
| I cannot. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think 9-11 changed us, made us more conservative in some ways, a little more insulated. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's just a lack of quality. | ||
| I think when someone like you comes along, for real. | ||
| I've told you this before. | ||
| I mean, I saw you at the Comedy Store like four or five years ago when I ran up to you, like one set that you had, and I go, dude, you're one of the funniest people alive. | ||
| I can't take them. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're so encouraging of me, and I always am so thankful. | ||
| You're the reason I got a special. | ||
| I was in here years ago, and you're like, you should have an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, oh yeah, I should have an hour. | |
| Maybe I should get a manager and an agent. | ||
| I wasn't even thinking in terms of being intelligent. | ||
| What were you thinking? | ||
| I was fucking just like, I just want to be good at this. | ||
| I just want to be good. | ||
| But that's the right attitude. | ||
| Ironically, the people that are like, I need a special now, those people suck, right? | ||
| Like the people that are trying to do something that's way out of their reach, like the people that are like, you know, I need to be filling arenas. | ||
| Like, no, you need a fucking good 10 minutes, you piece of shit. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Like, those are the crazy people, right? | ||
| The people that are really good at promotion, but really bad at stand-up. | ||
| But then, however, there's people who are really talented who don't have enough business savvy. | ||
| So I think there needs to be some kind of thing where you start to learn the business and you become responsible for that end of it. | ||
| And I think I was not taking responsibility yet. | ||
| The beautiful thing about stand-up is that there's a very, especially today, and there's a difference between today and 10 years ago or 20 years ago, because there's more opportunity, and because there's more opportunity, because there's YouTube and there's social media, there's people that have become very famous just through Twitter and Instagram and social media. | ||
| So all this new opportunity has opened up more possibilities so people are less stingy and there's more of a sense of community for whatever reason, particularly in LA. LA has a very good sense of community. | ||
| So even if you're not like the most business savvy, you could be around a lot of people like myself or like other people that are encouraging and then help and then tell everybody about their friends. | ||
| It's one of the cool things about comedy. | ||
| You'll go to Tom's page, if someone else is doing something, and you'll be like, hey, check out Fultron. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Check out Ian Edwards. | ||
| By the way, Ian Edwards, he's at the Laughing Skull in Atlanta all this weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hilarious. | |
| One of the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of the best. | |
| So fucking funny. | ||
| I've been trying to figure... | ||
| He's too fucking laid back. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, when he talks, you're like, come on, come on, come on, pick it up, come on. | ||
| He's like the opposite of me. | ||
| He's vegan. | ||
| He falls asleep constantly. | ||
| That motherfucker will sit down and in five minutes he's out cold. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| I took pictures of him on the plane the other day. | ||
| We were flying to Vegas. | ||
| It's a 40 minute flight. | ||
| He's out cold. | ||
| He's not that lack of protein, dude. | ||
| It's a lack of vitamins for sure. | ||
| Because he doesn't eat well. | ||
| He does eat vegan. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Out cold. | ||
| He is so funny. | ||
| But he definitely doesn't take any supplements. | ||
| He doesn't make sure that he has a complete balanced amino acid profile to his foods. | ||
| I don't do that either, though. | ||
| That's a lot of work, Joe. | ||
| It is a lot of work. | ||
| But that's how you want to do it if you want to be fucking jerked. | ||
| He said he would eat elk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| He said he would eat it because I killed it. | ||
| He knows where it came from. | ||
| It's not factory farmed. | ||
| He doesn't have to participate in the whole factory farm system. | ||
| So I'm going to cook him some meat. | ||
| I'm going to turn him. | ||
| Are you going to put it on Instagram? | ||
| I would love to see it. | ||
| Yeah, I am. | ||
| I'm going to film that shit. | ||
| I'm going to have Jamie set up a camera on a tripod. | ||
| The new studio has a grill. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course it has a grill. | ||
| It has big iron Yoder pellet grills. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| So you're moving on next week. | ||
| We'll be in there next week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's enormous. | |
| It's Daddy's Playhouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| It's going to be a good time. | ||
| Can't wait. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| That's super cool. | ||
| So we're going to turn Ian when he gets over there. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is he... | ||
| Is it a moral thing? | ||
| It's a moral thing. | ||
| It's a health thing. | ||
| He was eating very poorly. | ||
| He was eating junk food and just bullshit food, pizza and burgers and stuff, and he felt like shit. | ||
| And he made a decision for his health, and then along the way he started examining the moral consequences of factory farming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ian's just a really smart guy. | ||
| He is a smart guy. | ||
| Super smart. | ||
| And just, again, Atlanta, Laughing Skull, this weekend. | ||
| He's one of the funniest guys alive. | ||
| I just worked with him. | ||
| And he's so mellow, too. | ||
| Just a mellow. | ||
| I've known Ian for, I want to say like 25 years. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, we've been friends. | ||
| We've been friends since, um, shit. | ||
| The early 90s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Where? | ||
| When? | ||
| How? | ||
| New York. | ||
| Has he been a comic that long? | ||
| Yeah, he has. | ||
| But what Ian did is, Ian is a really good writer. | ||
| And one of the things that happened along the way is he started getting a lot of jobs writing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Writing on television shows. | ||
| And that happens to guys where they do that. | ||
| It happened to Fitzsimmons, who's also one of the best comics alive. | ||
| And they get distracted by other people's work. | ||
| And then people don't realize how good they are at stand-up. | ||
| If you get a chance to see Greg Fitzsimmons, he is one of the fucking best comics alive. | ||
| And Greg and I started out literally a week apart from each other. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Same club. | ||
| In Boston. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's best. | ||
| And he's a great human being, too. | ||
| And he's super funny. | ||
| He's super funny and super smart and just a sweetheart. | ||
| He is. | ||
| And just ridiculous. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| That's true about writing for other people. | ||
| Because I wrote for cartoons for many years, and I do feel like it sucks your juice out of you, your voice. | ||
| And then I worked on Chelsea for a minute and wrote on that show, and I was like, I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't do this anyway. | |
| You feel like you're cheating, you know, your own voice. | ||
| Well, you're working so much on other people's stuff and then not at all at your own stuff and then all of a sudden your thing is done and you're behind. | ||
| Instead of like at the same spot you were when you started, you're behind. | ||
| Because you don't even know your act anymore. | ||
| You got to go over your material. | ||
| You're not really working anymore. | ||
| It's not in your conscious. | ||
| It's not always there. | ||
| Was it Louis C.K. that was talking about when he was a writer on some late... | ||
| Was it The Tonight Show or something I want to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was a writer on one of the big late night shows and he got it pretty young too and he was like, this is the best job I could ever hope for and I think I'm gonna hate myself if I stay here because, you know, I know I want to be a comic. | ||
| I know somewhere that there's something out there I need to be doing. | ||
| So it's like this gilded cage of being a writer. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's also being on a sitcom will do that. | ||
| Being on a sitcom did that to me, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It felt like you weren't doing your full potential. | ||
| I was working all day, and then I was still doing sets at night, but I wasn't writing any new material at all. | ||
| I was just doing the same set over and over again, and I started to suck. | ||
| I started having some hard sets. | ||
| And one night, the writers came to see me, and I went up late at the comedy store. | ||
| And ate a platter of dicks. | ||
| Just a full... | ||
| Like someone getting married, or they bring over the hors d'oeuvres. | ||
| I ate every dick on the tray. | ||
| And I just realized, I've become a bad comic. | ||
| I used to be good when I was young, and then I got this show, and then over the course of the four years, five years that I was on the show, my act deteriorated. | ||
| And I realized, I gotta get back on the horse. | ||
| And because of that one bombing set, Like a year and a half later, something like that, I got my first album that I did on Warner Brothers. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| Ten years into comedy. | ||
| So the whole thing was like a velvet cage, you know? | ||
| It's like, oh, this is it. | ||
| I've made it. | ||
| Everything's going to be beautiful now. | ||
| But it's not, because you're not doing your thing. | ||
| You're not doing your thing. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Someone asked me, like, well, what do you want to do, Christina? | ||
| What do you want to do? | ||
| And I was like, I'm kind of fucking doing it. | ||
| The podcasting world is amazing. | ||
| Stand-up's great. | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| Could you imagine a show that gives you the kind of freedom that your podcast has? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Do you know how many fucking dumb meetings we'd have to have with the higher-ups about, you can't say jeans, you can't talk about mommies, you can't... | ||
| Look, we've got a survey and people don't understand what jeans is. | ||
| You're calling each other jeans. | ||
| Like, I don't mind if you do it once. | ||
| Just don't, just don't do it every show. | ||
| And the moose soup lady, what's that about? | ||
| And the thing, and I don't want to fucking, I don't like answering people for stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Yeah, I don't like, yeah, the notes. | ||
| The ridiculous notes. | ||
| Could you imagine if he had some douchey, unfunny producer that was telling you guys how to do your show? | ||
| Oh, and that's what, that's what it can be. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, how many times you can say one thing or, yeah, it's the worst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| When you were an actor, when you acted on that show, would you get lines that you were just like, I can't, how do I, I can't? | ||
| No, not on news radio. | ||
| Because news radio was so good, and the writers were so good, and the guy who ran it, Paul Sims, the executive producer, the creator of the show, he was a genius. | ||
| And one of the things that was brilliant about him, he was, he's still alive, still a genius. | ||
| One of the things that was brilliant about him is he let everybody ad-lib. | ||
| Dave Foley was almost like the secret producer of that show. | ||
| I love Dave Foley. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| But because he was on news radio right after Kids in the Hall, like he did Kids in the Hall, where he's one of the primary writers, he's a really good writer. | ||
| So he would see, like, you know, the thing is... | ||
| Have you ever been on a sitcom before? | ||
| You ever worked on a sitcom? | ||
| No. | ||
| One of the things you do, you do a run-through. | ||
| So you do a table read where you go down, everybody sits down, you go over the lines, you find out what's funny, everybody laughs. | ||
| The writers will go back to the writing room, they tweak stuff a little bit, and then you go to the floor and you run it. | ||
| And so what you do in a run-through is you'll start off, okay, we're at scene here in the break room, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And maybe it just doesn't work. | ||
| Maybe it seems like it worked, but it doesn't work. | ||
| And Dave would be the guy that goes, Um, Andy, why don't we try this? | ||
| Like, Vicky, why don't you walk in here, and Andy, you walk in at the same time, and you guys both say the same thing at the same time, and then, you know, he'll, like, come up with, like, a whole new scenario to get this point across to move us into the next scene. | ||
| And he would do that in front of the producers, and they would go, love it, perfect, let's go with that. | ||
| And so they'd rewrite the scene and put Dave's lines in. | ||
| And I swear to God, that might have happened 40% of the time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So if you see that show, maybe 40% of the scenes at least were tweaked by Dave Foley. | ||
| That's bananas. | ||
| And did he get the punch-up credit? | ||
| He got money. | ||
| I don't think he got punch-up credit. | ||
| But that was the thing. | ||
| Everybody was just working to do... | ||
| But oddly enough, Phil Hartman did zero of that. | ||
| Phil Hartman was just like, stick to the script and kill it. | ||
| But his character was such a beautiful character to write for. | ||
| This sort of... | ||
| Obtuse, ridiculous guy who was just like just completely, you know, just didn't get it and was like full of himself and he was so good at playing that character that they would just nail his character and he would just go out and smash it. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was a little too young when that show came out and I didn't get to see it, but Phil Hartman, holy shit, right? | ||
| Yeah, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| I like Rodney Dangerfield. | ||
| Did you ever hear that back to school when he got that script? | ||
| It was kind of a turd. | ||
| And the story goes that he took it and he wrote jokes in all the margins and sent it back to the studio. | ||
| And they were like, this is hilarious. | ||
| Can we make this movie? | ||
| He's like, yeah, you can pay me $10,000 a joke and I'll fucking do it that way. | ||
| That's awesome, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how Dave Foley should have been. | |
| I think that's what Kevin Hart does with movies where he has a negotiation for the movie, right? | ||
| They say, oh, we'll give you X amount of million dollars for the movie. | ||
| And they go, but we want you to promote it on your social media. | ||
| We want you to put it on your Twitter. | ||
| And he's like, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! | ||
| That's a different deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, this is all my thing. | ||
| I built that up. | ||
| Like, if you want that, you've got to give me more money for that. | ||
| That's what's up, Kevin Hart. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| But if the movie does well. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| This is your motherfucking movie. | ||
| You're giving me money. | ||
| So if you want me to promote it on my Instagram, on my social media, like, that's a business. | ||
| He's built up a promotional business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy's a genius when it comes to that shit. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| Why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| You should be compensated for that. | ||
| That's your following. | ||
| Especially him. | ||
| That's his whole deal. | ||
| So unbelievable. | ||
| I mean, most of what he became, he became because it was Comedy Central special and then relentless social media stuff. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, massive at it. | ||
| And obviously he's really funny. | ||
| Super funny. | ||
| I mean, if you don't have talent, he's one of the rare guys that has talent and he's really good at promotion. | ||
| Whereas most, you know, most of the people that are like really, like there's a lot of people that are good at promotion, but they're not talented. | ||
| Right, you need to have some kind of meat for the bone. | ||
| You know who was great at that, though? | ||
| I mean, the OG gangster of it was Dane Cook. | ||
| If you think back to, was it even like Friendster or Myspace? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He started it. | ||
| He was the first dude. | ||
| He became famous through social media. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| The first guy ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Well, you have to have that in you, I guess. | ||
| I remember reading a People Magazine article. | ||
| I was at the dentist. | ||
| And it was a People Magazine article that said that Dane had 250,000 MySpace followers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, what? | |
| What? | ||
| I was like, that's insane. | ||
| It wasn't followers. | ||
| It was friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Oh, right. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I've got so many friends I don't even fucking know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, who knows that many people? | |
| You know what's really crazy is that MySpace just evaporated. | ||
| It did. | ||
| That's what's really... | ||
| But it's weird. | ||
| To what, though? | ||
| Facebook took its place, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But MySpace's still there. | ||
| Like, Jamie, go to MySpace. | ||
| Let's see what it looks like. | ||
| Is my profile still there? | ||
| Taylor Swift. | ||
| Oh my god, it is! | ||
| Ed Sheeran. | ||
| Watch Miley Cyrus perform on carpool karaoke. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| People love that car karaoke shit. | ||
| No, people, not normal people. | ||
| No one that's healthy. | ||
| I can't watch. | ||
| All this shit sucks. | ||
| Why does everything suck? | ||
| It doesn't necessarily all suck, but a lot of it sucks. | ||
| A lot of it. | ||
| I mean, I'm on the Apple TV. I try to find stuff. | ||
| I'm like, what's so fucking stupid? | ||
| The only thing that's interesting about that is that they're actually in a car and they're actually driving. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They let him drive? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's driving. | |
| How do they film that? | ||
| They film the GoPros and shit. | ||
| Like, this is MySpace. | ||
| But this is so strange. | ||
| It's like, who's on this motherfucker? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Now it's like a news site. | ||
| Like, who are the people? | ||
| See if I'm on it still. | ||
| There's Liz. | ||
| She's a musician. | ||
| Oh, there's Iggy Azalea. | ||
| I tried to delete my page a long time ago and they wouldn't let me. | ||
| It might still be there. | ||
| You're a lifer. | ||
| Oh, look at these comedians. | ||
| I know all of them. | ||
| These guys are top. | ||
| What the fuck are these people? | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| Look at that guy with the hair. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I went to see him. | ||
| I'd be super upset if he didn't shave his head. | ||
| Did you take funny comedy pictures ever in the beginning of your career? | ||
| Oh, the wackiest. | ||
| I took the stupidest picture ever. | ||
| I had a fake mugshot picture with lipstick kisses on my face. | ||
| I think I tried to put a bra on my head too, but I'm so dumb. | ||
| Oh, it's so embarrassing. | ||
| I had a business card. | ||
| Did you ever do that? | ||
| I never had a business card. | ||
| I don't think. | ||
| I don't think I did. | ||
| And it was a picture of me at four years old making a funny face. | ||
| That's actually cute. | ||
| Yeah, it's painful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so embarrassing. | |
| Do you have a headshot now? | ||
| Now. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have one. | ||
| I need to get one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People keep saying, hey, will you sign a picture for somebody? | ||
| I'm like, you have a picture for me? | ||
| I took one 20 years ago. | ||
| I don't have any pictures, man. | ||
| You know, those, like, you used to have pictures at the comedy clubs. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's coming next week, and you put up a headshot. | ||
| I don't even have one. | ||
| What do they put up of you? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Just, like... | ||
| They just find some shit online, they print it, and they put it up. | ||
| But see, that's how I feel now. | ||
| Like, come on, man. | ||
| I'm online. | ||
| Print that shit out. | ||
| You find it. | ||
| Yeah, print that shit out, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, it's all there. | ||
| Yeah, you don't need to have my name at the bottom of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You can write that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Take a fucking Sharpie, dude. | ||
| The headshot thing was always a big deal in Boston, because in Boston, there was like the old guard. | ||
| There's these guys that had been around forever that were like the top dogs in the local scene. | ||
| Those guys were like, if you have a headshot, you probably fucking suck. | ||
| No one ever worked on their headshot. | ||
| Kinda true. | ||
| Yeah, like the young guys would have these new fancy headshots. | ||
| The old guys, they didn't have anything. | ||
| They would just murder. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| Like, Steve Sweeney playing at the Kowloon restaurant. | ||
| He'd just murder. | ||
| No headshot. | ||
| Try to find a headshot of him. | ||
| It's fucking faded. | ||
| You gotta pull it out of a window. | ||
| It was sitting there from the late 80s. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| Whoever had their shit together most as an open-miker was definitely the unfunniest. | ||
| Like, Well, there was a bunch of... | ||
| Do you remember... | ||
| It probably wasn't around when you were around, but there was a thing called the Comedy USA Industry Guide? | ||
| No. | ||
| When I first started out, there was a thing called the Comedy USA Industry Guide, and they would send it out to all the industry. | ||
| And I was always super in awe of the guys that had a big page. | ||
| And a lot of it was like college acts. | ||
| A college act back then, that was the pinnacle. | ||
| That's what you wanted to be. | ||
| You wanted to be a college act. | ||
| Because if you were a college act, you could make like $1,000 a college or $2,000 a college. | ||
| Like, holy shit. | ||
| And you would think about it. | ||
| Oh my god, I could do two colleges on a weekend and make $4,000. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| And I knew guys who were doing it. | ||
| I knew guys who were like, man, you should clean your act up so you could do colleges. | ||
| They would all say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was my favorite. | |
| That was the best when I started, too. | ||
| It was, you gotta work clean. | ||
| Otherwise, you're not gonna get on The Tonight Show. | ||
| You're not gonna get on the thing. | ||
| And then the internet happened, and everybody was like, fuck you, and you're clean. | ||
| You know, there's different outlets now. | ||
| You don't need to, you know, there's cable. | ||
| It's just not the same. | ||
| You know what's really gross, too? | ||
| The mediocre comic that suppresses the talented guys that are coming up. | ||
| You ever seen those guys that like tell you what to do and what not to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| There was this one guy who was the host of like open mic night in Boston at the time and he was aggressively mediocre. | ||
| His act was horrible. | ||
| But he was like, you would go on stage and even if you killed, even if you had a good set, he would shit on the fact that you had to swear, you broke the fuck meter! | ||
| You were up there breaking the fuck meter! | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Like, you know, you can't do that on TV. There's going to be a lot of guys that are on TV, and they're going to be on TV, and you're going to be back here doing the same jokes, saying the fuck word all the time. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| And I was like, well, what about the comics I like, like Andrew Dice Clay or Sam Kinison? | ||
| I got news for you, man. | ||
| You're not Dice Clay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They love to remind you where you are on the totem pole. | ||
| Yeah, but I was like, well, somebody's Dice Clay. | ||
| This is not good advice. | ||
| No. | ||
| I remember being told, back to, with comedy I think right now for female comics, I feel like right now there's a particular dichotomy between the Madonna whore thing. | ||
| Either you're young and hot and you're talking about sexual stuff, or you're me. | ||
| You're like your fucking mom. | ||
| I'm talking about mom stuff. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| It's not like you could be just a person. | ||
| I don't think so right now. | ||
| But why do you think that? | ||
| Because I think you can. | ||
| I think anybody can be a person if you just own it. | ||
| You can. | ||
| I don't know if... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You just don't see it. | ||
| I think it's the marketing and I think it's just marketing. | ||
| See, I just think you're not seeing it. | ||
| It's not that it can't be done. | ||
| I think people look at archetypes, right? | ||
| They look at something that's already been carved out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Sarah Silverman, she's pretty and she talks dirty. | ||
| I can do that. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| And you see these... | ||
| Patrice O'Neill used to call them babies. | ||
| Like, I got a lot of babies in comedy. | ||
| David Tell got a lot of comedy babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And they... | ||
| Dave Attell had a ton of comedy babies because people would imitate what they saw that was successful. | ||
| You saw that thing and you go, oh, I know that. | ||
| I can do like that. | ||
| I can talk like Dave. | ||
| And so there's these people that sort of like imitated his cadence and his rhythm. | ||
| And like some of them egregiously, like some of them you're like, Jesus Christ, you're like borderline a thief. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I think, too, it's easier for the audience to identify a woman as this is the one I have sex with or this is mommy. | ||
| No, I'm serious. | ||
| And I don't even mean this as like a, uh, a woe is me, like, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Like, it's just, it just, I feel it is. | ||
| Either there's women that you fuck, and then there's women that you, that are off limits that are somewhat maternal. | ||
| At least that's from my experience in the comedy world, uh, hanging out with dudes. | ||
| It was like, the best thing that ever happened to me was hooking up with Tom Segura, because it put like a magical lasso. | ||
| Like, Of your off-limits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| On fuckability. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You could be one of the friends. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I became an off-limits person. | ||
| I became a person. | ||
| And it was great. | ||
| And I find that as I get older and become less, the fuckability stuff goes down, I really like it. | ||
| I really like just being a human. | ||
| I wasn't gonna fucking go with this. | ||
| No, I know what you're saying, but do you think this is all in your own head? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| All reality is, right? | ||
| I mean, aren't we all living in our own heads? | ||
| Yeah, because a lot of these archetypes that everybody sort of claims are inescapable, then you'll see someone that doesn't fit into that at all, and you go, oh, well, I didn't see that coming, you know? | ||
| Well, I'm trying to think of the big female comics, and they're usually either one or the other, right? | ||
| It's either mommy or... | ||
| What about Ellen? | ||
| Very asexual, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's neither. | ||
| She's got short hair, and she probably eats a ton of pussy, right? | ||
| If you had a guess. | ||
| I would love... | ||
| Maybe she just gets hers eaten now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| She puts her feet up, she gets her toes done, and she just gets her box eaten. | ||
| I would love to hear her talk about eating pussy. | ||
| That would be like my favorite thing ever. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if she makes a face. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| When she eats pussy, maybe she goes like this. | ||
| You know, she... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But she came up with a tie. | |
| Or maybe she was like this. | ||
| Maybe she's super gross about it. | ||
| I think she's super gross. | ||
| I think it's the people that are super one-way, publicly, maybe privately. | ||
| Maybe she's a real bitch. | ||
| I've always thought about that, about comedians. | ||
| Especially the nicey-nice ones. | ||
| Well, not just the nicey-nice ones, but the over-the-top defenders of women that turn out to be super pervy. | ||
| We know a few of those. | ||
| They get busted after a while. | ||
| There's people that you can trust. | ||
| You know where you stand with Joey Diaz. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| I love Joey Diaz and I trust him because I know that's it. | ||
| I don't trust male comics that don't talk about their dicks or jerking off or pussy and stuff. | ||
| Because you're like, what's the fucking... | ||
| Where's the darkness? | ||
| Yeah, where's your dark... | ||
| the shadow self or whatever, as they say. | ||
| If you're not addressing the darkness, the darkness comes out elsewhere, right? | ||
| Darkness. | ||
| The darkness. | ||
| The darkness. | ||
| It comes out of places. | ||
| Yeah, I always wonder what Jim Gaffigan's freak shit is. | ||
| He's so clean. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He might be the exception to the rule. | ||
| He might be, right? | ||
| Because he's so nice. | ||
| Family guy. | ||
| I think he really likes being a family guy. | ||
| I don't sense that shit from him. | ||
| But Cosby, that was a surprise. | ||
| Was it though? | ||
| Did you ever hear the rumors? | ||
| No. | ||
| See, I did. | ||
| In show business circles, because briefly I lived in the actor's world, right, when I was on news radio, and I would hear it. | ||
| I would hear it back then that he would drug people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| Yeah, you would hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was like one of those weird rumors that would go around. | ||
| Bill Cosby drugs people. | ||
| Wow, dude! | ||
| Dude, it was going on forever. | ||
| That's why Hannibal talked about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| When Hannibal talked about it on stage, and then it all blew up, which is kind of crazy if you know Hannibal, you know? | ||
| He just happened to be talking about it, and then someone happened to be filming it, and then the rest of the world was like, is that true? | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Because Bill Cosby's always telling people to not swear, especially like, he was big on telling young black comedians not to swear, not to talk about sex. | ||
| And he's like, he goes, Bill Cosby's always telling that? | ||
| Well, he's talking about raping people. | ||
| And everybody's like, what? | ||
| What did he say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what? | |
| What? | ||
| But that was like, the rumor was always around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had heard some creepy, a little creepiness, but I didn't know it was that extent. | ||
| Did not know. | ||
| When someone does something like that to people, that's one of the... | ||
| That's one of the creepiest fucking things a human can do to another human. | ||
| And the idea that this guy, who was America's father, right, in a lot of ways, he was our black dad. | ||
| You know, he was the moral authority. | ||
| He was your black dad. | ||
| He was Mr. Huxtable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| And then the fact that that guy, someone described him as the biggest serial rapist in the history of America. | ||
| Like, that really might be the case. | ||
| Because if he really did drug all these people that he said he did, like, how many people have raped more? | ||
| He might be number one, which is crazy. | ||
| Insane to think. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the whole time with their hip and the hop and the nonsense. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's the darkest motherfucker ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Darkest. | |
| Just drugging them, watching them blast out. | ||
| That's fucking... | ||
| And he's got kids. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Which is even more fucked up. | ||
| The crazy part when you have children. | ||
| He's drugging someone else's baby and sticking his dick in them while they're unconscious. | ||
| It's so evil. | ||
| It's evil. | ||
| Now, what about Harvey Weinstein? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| And he's one everyone knew about, too, apparently. | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| Yeah, that's the cliché, right? | ||
| The disgusting boss of the studio that wants you to suck his dick in order to get a role. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's funny because you do think, well, isn't that kind of why you become a show business executive to get chicks? | ||
| Not to rape chicks. | ||
| Sexual assault is always off the table. | ||
| But did he rape them? | ||
| Now it's coming out that there's rape. | ||
| Last I checked today... | ||
| I know. | ||
| And he is not a looker. | ||
| He's definitely not cute. | ||
| He looks like the type of guy that would be the type of guy he is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is what's fucked up. | ||
| He's so nasty. | ||
| Suicide threat prompts police response. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Oh, we're there, huh? | ||
| Went to a fight with his daughter this morning and they had to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
She called the 911. Damn, homie. | |
| Because he was going to kill himself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something, I don't know. | |
| Well, he must be so overwhelmed with guilt and fear and remorse and just self-hatred. | ||
| You know, he sounds like an addict, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and that... | ||
| He's also probably a power addict. | ||
| You know, like he's this guy who's like this gluttonous man. | ||
| Like if you look at his physical self, right? | ||
| His face is overflowing on his collar and he's just gluttonous, like, MORE! Food! | ||
| Where's the coke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pussy! | |
| Pussy money! | ||
| There's this gluttonous existence. | ||
| It's not like a measured, thought out, contemplative, introspective existence where he's just trying to enjoy his time here. | ||
| Like, wow, how lucky I am that I get to do this and make these amazing movies. | ||
| You guys are all great. | ||
| That's what I expect from Steven Spielberg. | ||
| I expect Steven Spielberg to be this really introspective, thoughtful guy who's enjoying the process of making amazing movies. | ||
| But he's a creative thing. | ||
| Harvey's an executive guy, right? | ||
| He's the money guy behind everything. | ||
| Coke and caviar and suck my dick. | ||
| It is so nasty. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| But, okay, now, on the other hand, on the other hand, I was like, you know, Hollywood is such a labyrinth in terms of, like, getting shit done and getting deals closed and how does this happen? | ||
| It would kind of be nice to be like, you want a Netflix special? | ||
| Just go fucking suck that guy's dick. | ||
| And then I could be like, oh, that's all I have to do is suck that guy's... | ||
| Yeah, come over here, you nasty fuck. | ||
| And then there's your special. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Way easier. | ||
| Would you have to have a conversation with Tommy? | ||
| Listen, Tommy, this is not sex. | ||
| This is a job. | ||
| It's work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then it's like cut and dry and it's an exchange. | ||
| You know, I was in law school for two weeks and I remember- Two weeks? | ||
| Two weeks and I dropped out. | ||
| In contract law, it's an exchange of something for something else. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Seems fucking pretty straightforward. | ||
| Well, that's what prostitution is, right? | ||
| Which is one of the weirdest things that massage is legal but prostitution isn't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that something? | ||
| It is odd, because we do not like genital pleasure. | ||
| No. | ||
| We don't like genital pleasure for cash. | ||
| Like, genital pleasure has to be for love. | ||
| It has to be love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it has to be given free. | ||
| It's the only thing in civilization that we require to be given away for free. | ||
| Everything else you can exchange money for. | ||
| It's so interesting. | ||
| You can exchange money for food, right? | ||
| It's not prostitution if someone cooks for you, right? | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| It's a total normal thing. | ||
| But it's a very intimate thing. | ||
| Feeding someone... | ||
| Yes, yes, of course. | ||
| You can go to a hair salon, they'll wash your head. | ||
| They give you a head massage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It feels so good. | |
| That's the best. | ||
| That's one thing I miss about having hair. | ||
| I rub my head. | ||
| It's the best feeling in the world. | ||
| Like a head massage. | ||
| Or a foot massage. | ||
| People love foot massages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I bet there's people out there that like foot massages more than they like head. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But then you put a camera... | ||
| In front of two people fucking. | ||
| It's totally legal. | ||
| And now it's legal. | ||
| You can pay them. | ||
| So what's... | ||
| We're retarded. | ||
| Yeah, that makes no sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're babies. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We're growing up babies. | ||
| But maybe because you can commodify that and that's a capitalistic thing. | ||
| Maybe it's more commodifiable as a product. | ||
| Honestly, I think there's two factors. | ||
| One is the tax factor. | ||
| It's very difficult to get taxes from people that are prostitutes. | ||
| It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Where's that money going? | ||
| Give us our cut! | ||
| And then the other thing is the sex trafficking. | ||
| Sex slavery aspect. | ||
| Protecting people that are sex traffickers. | ||
| Because you could have someone that was sold into sex slavery or in some way bartered their You know, trip to America and had some sort of a sex slave deal. | ||
| That's where it gets fucked up. | ||
| But there's been arguments that what makes that exist in the first place is that prostitution is illegal here. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And if prostitution was legal, it would be that stuff would all go away, much like the argument is with illegal drugs. | ||
| Like if you made marijuana legal, you wouldn't have as much of the Mexican drug, you know, illegal trade, which you are seeing. | ||
| You know, you are seeing in America. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It's retarded. | ||
| Wait, but with Harvey, he was the guy that would give girls the shoulder rubs. | ||
| He would tell them to massage him. | ||
| He would massage them. | ||
| They would massage him. | ||
| He would do, according to these girls, I don't know if it's true, but he'd be the guy that would be like, I'll be right back. | ||
| And he comes back in a bathrobe. | ||
| He's the bathrobe guy. | ||
| That's so fucked up. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| I don't mean to make light of anybody's sexual assault or whatever it was. | ||
| Or harassment. | ||
| Oh, they're working on the roof again. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wonderful. | |
| But here's the thing. | ||
| How many women said yes? | ||
| Probably a fuckload. | ||
| That was his move. | ||
| What we're seeing is his missed pitches. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He hit a lot of fucking triples and home runs, knocked a lot of balls out of the park, but occasionally he was whiffing. | ||
| Occasionally he was like, I got this one in the back, boys. | ||
| And she's like, fuck off, you pig. | ||
| And he's like, oh, come on, just come back to my room. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's like, shit. | ||
| What happened, Harvey? | ||
| Wasn't connecting. | ||
| I wasn't connecting. | ||
| But listen, I got all this. | ||
| There's a girl who wants to be in the next fucking this movie and Avatar 16. Right. | ||
| And she's willing to do the thing to get the part. | ||
| And that's kind of, okay, yeah. | ||
| Then suck that guy's dick and get the part and get your money and get on with it. | ||
| How many girls read the story when it broke and could still taste the asparagus caviar flavored cum? | ||
| Just the cocaine and... | ||
| Vodka in his loads. | ||
| I bet he has a phlegmy moan when he comes. | ||
| He's the kind of guy that has the white spittle in the corners of his mouth when he talks to you. | ||
| He's trying to hit on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a little white spit bubble on his lip. | |
| He's nasty. | ||
| He's nasty. | ||
| But that's a gluttonous man. | ||
| He's out of control. | ||
| It's not attractive. | ||
| It's definitely not. | ||
| Oh, my favorite, too, is that he would jerk off into... | ||
| Did you hear this? | ||
| Into plants, right? | ||
| Well, he's green. | ||
| He wants to exist off of his loads. | ||
| But that's such a desperate thing. | ||
| Like, come over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come here. | |
| Can I have it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| Okay, stay here then. | ||
| You know, like, it's so... | ||
| Maybe he was hoping they would just dive on the grenade. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| To save a soldier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| And also, like, I was thinking, too, like, I've seen so many dudes jerking off in public. | ||
| Like, homeless guys. | ||
| I never got anything for it. | ||
| Is it, you know? | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, guys, look, here's the thing about male sex versus female sex, right, is the accepting part of female sex versus the giving, like trying to take this, take it! | ||
| And the other thing is that men literally are constantly building cum. | ||
| While you're alive, your cum is backing up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if you're not, like, I used to have the bit in my act that was really based on advice that I used to give friends when they're like, oh, I don't know, my girl wants to get married. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Jerk off first and then think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Like, if you're having a hard time with someone, and you don't know what to do, and you're going to see them, jerk off first, and then see them. | ||
| And then you'll be able to deal with them without any sexual lust. | ||
| You won't be making... | ||
| Because me, as a young man, this is a real issue with me when I was in my 20s, because I was so horny. | ||
| It was like I was a drug addict. | ||
| So I'd be like making agreements with myself. | ||
| Yeah, she's annoying, but she's going to let me have sex with her. | ||
| So listen, let's just change our behavior and mold to what she likes, and then you'll get to fuck her. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| Otherwise, you'd just be beaten off. | ||
| But I remember one time... | ||
| I was supposed to go out with this girl, and she was just so preposterously annoying. | ||
| It was so frustrating. | ||
| She just was always negative. | ||
| And before I went out, before I went to go get her, I jerked off. | ||
| And I was sitting there, I was going, what am I doing? | ||
| Like, I don't even enjoy her company. | ||
| Like, she's not compatible with me. | ||
| Like, I don't... | ||
| If you just like someone as a person and you like having sex with them, that's a relationship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But if you only like having sex with them, you have some sort of a weird barter deal. | ||
| And that's a lot of men. | ||
| A lot of men get in, and I'm sure a lot of women probably too, but... | ||
| I can only speak for men. | ||
| Like, men get involved in these relationships where you're really just in a relationship so that you have a continuous supply of sex. | ||
| Especially when you're young and stupid. | ||
| When you're 20 years old, you're basically a monkey, you know? | ||
| You're just like a little ape person, just trying to fuck, and you're just trying to, I love her, she's really cool. | ||
| Why do you love her? | ||
| Because she smells good? | ||
| Because her tits feel good in your mouth? | ||
| Like, what is really going on here? | ||
| Do you actually enjoy her company as a human being, outside of sex? | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Most of the time you don't. | ||
| And so if you just jerk off first and then hang out with someone and you actually like them, then you have a real relationship. | ||
| Like, oh, I really like you. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| Yeah, you clear out the pipes, right? | ||
| You clear out the testosterone and now you can just think clearly. | ||
| It's super smart. | ||
| But I think, I mean, I'm just guessing. | ||
| I've never been a media mogul, but I would imagine there's a bunch of factors going on. | ||
| First of all, there's a bunch of people that are constantly kissing his ass and rubbing his ass. | ||
| Like, I saw a picture of him with Renee Zellweger. | ||
| And Renee Zellweger was like cuddling up with him and she had her hand on him and he had his arm on her and there was like some other celebrity to his right and they were like yuck, yuck, yucking it up. | ||
| But he was like pawing her. | ||
| He had a hold of her. | ||
| And I would imagine that there's all these people that recognize that he's this like epicenter of power and success and you want Harvey Weinstein of Miramax to love you and you would get close to him and you have a couple of drinks and you're doing coke together. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| She's got her hand on his leg. | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| And he's got Russell Crowe to his right and Renee Zellweger to his left and she's smiling. | ||
| They're probably hammered. | ||
| Everyone's on Xanax. | ||
| Next thing you know, he's got his dick in her butt. | ||
| That's crazy, dude. | ||
| I'm just imagining that. | ||
| Bridget Jones, diary number two. | ||
| Number six. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| Fine with me. | ||
| I don't know if that really happened. | ||
| No, I don't either. | ||
| My point is that it's not just that he was predatory. | ||
| It was also that... | ||
| He lived, I'm just guessing, okay? | ||
| I'm not an apologist, folks. | ||
| But I would imagine that he lived in this world where he was like royalty. | ||
| He was essentially like the king of this empire, right? | ||
| So he had all these employees. | ||
| It was one of the articles that I read today. | ||
| I think it was from the Telegraph where this guy was saying that he was at a party or one of his friends was at a party and they were having a conversation with this girl who worked for Harvey and Harvey just said her name from across the room and her face went pale and she immediately just ran away from him to run to her like didn't say excuse me I'll be right back just ran out of fear Who knows? | ||
| That is obvious. | ||
| It could be interpretation after the fact. | ||
| It could be exaggeration of what the actual circumstances were to fit a narrative. | ||
| But you've got to imagine that this guy is just multi-multi-millionaire, just orgiastic, gluttonous Jabba the Hutt motherfucker. | ||
| Just getting his dick sucked and just... | ||
| We're going to be the biggest ever! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The biggest ever! | |
| And then there's also these girls that he can't get. | ||
| And he's like, close to them, close to them, pretty close, pretty close. | ||
| And that's the anger, right? | ||
| Listen, Christina, I think you've got his hand on you. | ||
| Listen, I think you're one of the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of the best. | |
| Come into my room. | ||
| Let's talk about this. | ||
| I've got a proposal. | ||
| I've got a proposal. | ||
| You come up to his room and he's got a bathrobe on. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| He's like, just give me a massage. | ||
| My neck is tense. | ||
| My neck is tense. | ||
| You like Coke? | ||
| What about caviar? | ||
| What about Coke and caviar? | ||
| You like Coke and caviar together? | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| He is unbelievably... | ||
| Him, and I have to say, and I know Hugh Hefner was a big mogul and he did a lot of cool shit. | ||
| For me, that would be a tough gig, too. | ||
| Like, living in the mansion and being one of the girls like, I'm over for movie night! | ||
| You know, and he's in his pajamas. | ||
| And you know that he butt-sexed them because he didn't want to get anyone pregnant. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| That's what I read in, what is it, Holly Madison wrote a book? | ||
| Is that her fucking name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dolly Madison's the pastry. | ||
| He butt-sexed them so that they didn't have to worry about birth control? | ||
| That's correct. | ||
| And then there's a lot of, like, he would make the girls make out in front of him, and then he would masturbate, too. | ||
| It's also kind of, I think, is a way of avoiding possible pregnancies. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So he probably developed a strategy over years of, like, ducking pregnancies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow, that's a weird thing too, right? | ||
| To be putting yourself out there as this person with a lot of money who really likes young girls and the young girls go, all I have to do is catch one load. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
| I've heard stories about athletes that girls put holes in the condoms or the girls take the condoms out of the trash and squirt them into their pussy. | ||
| Imagine, how was I born, mommy? | ||
| Well, it's a lovely story. | ||
| Your mommy took a condom, like one of them pastry bags, and squirted that fucker in there. | ||
| Well, your mother fished a filthy condom out of the trash. | ||
| I threw it in the toilet. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I pretended to throw it in the toilet, but I had one saved in my mouth. | ||
| I spit that one in the toilet, and that's why you're alive. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| But then I heard that the Playboy Mansion, she wrote that it was run down. | ||
| And they had, like, bunk beds and shit in the rooms. | ||
| And, like, it wasn't as glamorous as everybody would let to leave. | ||
| I can attest to that. | ||
| Oh, you've been there? | ||
| Yeah, we did a Fear Factor Playmate edition. | ||
| And I was like, huh, this is it? | ||
| I gotta go see that episode. | ||
| The grotto was... | ||
| The people that worked there were very nice. | ||
| The girls were very nice. | ||
| But there's a thing that you're experiencing. | ||
| Where it's like they don't have a whole lot of options. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's like, it's an option for them to be a part of this. | ||
| And some of them loved it, for sure. | ||
| Some of them, it was what they wanted. | ||
| And for some of them, there's like a sadness to it. | ||
| It's like, and it's also, some of them, when we did Fear Factor, like some of them were like older playmates. | ||
| They had been playmates like 10 years ago or 15 years ago. | ||
| So they were like pushing 30? | ||
| Yeah, and maybe even older. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| And then they're like, what am I going to do soon? | ||
| Like, what am I going to do in five years? | ||
| What am I going to do in 10 years? | ||
| And then there's not a lot of answers on the horizon, so they'll go looking for maybe some old rich husband type character, or maybe some way out financially, maybe some business they can start, some clothing line. | ||
| Everyone's We've got a hustle and a scam, but they essentially don't really have a career. | ||
| They have this sort of opening into this world, and then they would have the mansion parties, right? | ||
| I went to one for the Marijuana Policy Project. | ||
| I hosted this thing, this event. | ||
| And it was just very weird. | ||
| They have bands playing and stuff, and you're just walking around, and there's pot everywhere, and everyone's stoned out of their mind. | ||
| It was extra surreal because of the pot factor. | ||
| But you go by where you had pets. | ||
| It was like birds and monkeys and shit. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck is this place? | ||
| Everybody's high as fuck. | ||
| And there was no Playmates for that one. | ||
| That was weird because that was one of the ones you rent out. | ||
| And so a lot of these lecherous guys went there. | ||
| They rented it out. | ||
| Sweets? | ||
| No, they rent out the use of the mansion. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so you can come in the grotto where everyone else comes? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like the general public comes there too. | ||
| That's kind of nice. | ||
| You want to jerk off in the grotto. | ||
| I don't know if they actually let people in the grotto when I was there. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It was quite a long time ago, but I do remember like the Grotto had this phone from like the 1970s. | ||
| Of course it did. | ||
| This old ass, fucked up phone. | ||
| But you gotta think like the upkeep on a place like that, it's probably super expensive. | ||
| There's the phone. | ||
| Look at that old whack-ass phone and all the buttons for the lights and shit. | ||
| And you know he wasn't going to put money into renovating that shit because he was old. | ||
| He was like, I'm dying. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I also think there wasn't money. | ||
| I don't think that the mansion was like a location that actually made money because it was like a destination and they would rent it out for stuff. | ||
| But I don't think the magazine was making money. | ||
| I think the magazine was really struggling. | ||
| Once the internet happened, then you can get pornography for free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you can actually see everything. | ||
| See the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, why buy Playboy? | ||
| Like, oh, I can see public hair. | ||
| But you see when they took nudity out for like a whole year. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They did? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they were getting crazy. | ||
| They're like, we're going to be Maxim. | ||
| Oh, like a lad mag. | ||
| We're just going to show girls. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Yeah, they did for a little while. | ||
| The sales tanked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They crashed even further. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Maxim's mag. | ||
| Did you know on a military base in the British ones that they let them look at titty mags? | ||
| Like, they can get Maxim magazine and stuff. | ||
| Is that weird? | ||
| The American military does not allow you to look at titty mags and stuff. | ||
| Well, the American military has a very high rate of sexual assault. | ||
| I don't know if you know that. | ||
| Yes, I do know that. | ||
| I've been to the Middle East, Afghanistan, and a lot of those bases, and I've heard bad stories. | ||
| It's apparently a giant issue that is very suppressed because you're not dealing with law in terms of civilian law. | ||
| You're dealing with military law. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what the real numbers are, but I've read quite a few stories about that's a real issue. | ||
| And if you don't give them an outlet, you know, and you have a bunch of people watching their friends' heads get blown up. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I mean, your whole reality is out the window when you're at war. | ||
| And I'm not excusing anyone for sexual assault, but I'm saying, like, Yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Yes, I heard that in the Navy. | ||
| They used to do those deals a lot. | ||
| Yeah, they did those deals. | ||
| But it's kind of good, though. | ||
| I mean, when you think about it, I would choose military over prison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| I'm like, yeah, good, put me on the boat. | ||
| I don't know if I'm Joe. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're right. | ||
| I think because I was in Kuwait. | ||
| I think. | ||
| And they were talking about, you know, guys coming out of active battle and they're just so whacked out. | ||
| And I think that's what happens when they assault women and stuff. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| You also have PTSD. You also have CTE, which leads to impulsive behavior. | ||
| What's CTE? I don't even know what that is. | ||
| Chronic traumatic encephalopathy. | ||
| Encephalopathy? | ||
| What's the actual word? | ||
| Encephalopathy. | ||
| Encephalopathy? | ||
| It's brain damage. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Essentially, it's what football players get, what boxers get, MMA fighters get it, people with head injuries. | ||
| And one of the things that is a part of that is that you get impulsive and you do irrational things, thoughtless things, almost like you can't help yourself. | ||
| And they think that it's responsible for erratic changes in behavior, violent behavior amongst athletes that have it, especially football players. | ||
| You see some of the really aggressive, fucked up things that football players have done, they attribute some of it to CTE. Yeah. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| We are the NFL in 1962. Researchers say the professional bull rider killed himself at CTE. Which came out today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You're riding a fucking 2,000 pound monster animal. | ||
| You have his balls tied up in a knot. | ||
| Have you ever done the military stuff in an active war zone? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| I went to Afghanistan a few years ago, like in 07 or something. | ||
| I can't do it again. | ||
| I was so... | ||
| It's just so nutty. | ||
| You're right, and it's boys. | ||
| It's like 19-year-old boys that are just getting blown up, stepping on IEDs. | ||
| I go visit boys in hospitals with shrapnel on their faces and... | ||
| And the crazy part is the guys that are injured, they feel bad that they're not out fighting with their company. | ||
| They feel guilty that they're not still out there. | ||
| Have you ever read Sebastian Junger? | ||
| Have you ever read any of his stuff? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's got a great book called Tribe, and a lot of it is about what happens to people in times of war and what happens to soldiers. | ||
| The camaraderie that they share together, and that even though it's these harrowing, you know, death-filled moments of their life, that when they look back at it, it was their favorite time of life. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
| Yeah, because people apparently... | ||
| I mean, a lot of people believe this, that people without extreme struggle don't find meaning in life. | ||
| And that the dull, gray, cubicle life, stuck in traffic, eating fast food, watching TV, going to sleep, that is the torture. | ||
| That's the torturous existence, not the existence of battle. | ||
| And the camaraderie. | ||
| That they share when these soldiers are side by side fighting for their lives and defending each other. | ||
| The camaraderie is incredibly intense. | ||
| And the emotions are incredibly high, I would imagine, too. | ||
| That high stakes. | ||
| Your life is at stake, dude. | ||
| And you have to take care of each other. | ||
| And that's so true. | ||
| There is nothing more depressing than the gray. | ||
| The gray is the worst. | ||
| The Sisyphean thing, like they push the rock up and then the rock comes. | ||
| Muzak. | ||
| Elevator music. | ||
| Yeah, that's absolutely true. | ||
| The drone. | ||
| The drone of nothing existence. | ||
| It's just, I mean, that is what most people sell their time for. | ||
| You know, they sell their eight hours every day plus commuting to the drone time. | ||
| Just droning on. | ||
| And a lot of those people are listening to this right now. | ||
| One of the things about podcasts that's amazing for that is like people get a chance to hear the way other people live and think and then realize like there is a way out. | ||
| I am alive. | ||
| I'm alive and my brain is working and I can think and even though I'm stuck here because I have to pay my bills, this is not permanent. | ||
| I need to figure out my exit strategy and I need to start moving on now and they start doing that and that's a huge factor in people's futures to hear the fact that other people have been stuck I don't know. | ||
| You've been stuck. | ||
| You've been stuck in shit jobs. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| I mean, I fucking did it. | ||
| I had 22 jobs in four years when I graduated from college. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a fucking philosophy degree and that was, you know, totally useless. | ||
| And I tried everything before I became a senior comedian. | ||
| Name it, dude. | ||
| Dog walker, parking attendant, production assistant. | ||
| I worked in a cannery. | ||
| What's a cannery? | ||
| A cannery in Chatsworth. | ||
| I worked in a cannery. | ||
| Like you make canned foods? | ||
| Like cans, like these cans here. | ||
| Yeah, like Laverne and Shirley worked at the beer thing or whatever. | ||
| I worked in a cannery. | ||
| Very short job. | ||
| Because I wanted to know what the world was about. | ||
| I didn't know what the world was about. | ||
| And I didn't know that... | ||
| I just didn't fit in anywhere. | ||
| I was a paralegal. | ||
| I was an immigration paralegal, a corporate paralegal. | ||
| And at the time, you didn't need to have any kind of accreditation. | ||
| You just had to have an attorney say that you were. | ||
| And so I just learned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it? | |
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, pre-9-11. | ||
| So an attorney says, yep, here's your stamp. | ||
| You can be an immigration paralegal, because I worked long enough. | ||
| Could I? Not right now. | ||
| Now you need to get a certification, yeah. | ||
| I'm a minister. | ||
| You are? | ||
| Yeah, I'm an ordained minister. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's phenomenal. | ||
| I did it online. | ||
| You did? | ||
| How long did it take? | ||
| Five minutes. | ||
| You training? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There was no training. | ||
| Yeah, no, of course. | ||
| I think I sent in some money. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| That was a long time ago. | ||
| I married some people, though. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, I married these two people that won Fear Factor. | ||
| It's a really nice couple. | ||
| Married them. | ||
| That's nice of you to do. | ||
| People ask us to marry them, and we're like, I don't know if I... I would never do it again. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I've had people ask since then. | ||
| I'm like, nope, I'm 1-0. | ||
| And I think they're still together, so... | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Worked out, bitch. | ||
| But as an addendum to what you were just saying about that cubicle life, that gray life, and I don't know if this is a function of turning 40 for me, but I've had this thing lately where I'm really acutely aware of my death. | ||
| I've always been very... | ||
| Like, I've always loved thinking about my death because it frees me to be alive, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| But now I'm 41 and I'm like, I feel like I'm knocking on death's door. | ||
| Like, I get this weird thing of like, it's so short. | ||
| Like, you don't really have a lot of time on this planet. | ||
| And it's really weighing on me now more, especially now that I have a child. | ||
| And I'm like, I just want to stay alive to see my son grow up. | ||
| But then you realize, like, how much of your life are you going to fucking piss away? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Doing shit you don't want to do. | ||
| Working in the fucking cubicle job you don't want to have. | ||
| You don't get many years. | ||
| You don't get many great years, right? | ||
| When does your body start to really take a shit? | ||
| Like 70? | ||
| When you're 70, you're fucking rough. | ||
| 70 is a rough thing. | ||
| You have a lot of bad days, I would imagine. | ||
| I think one of the big keys, and this is very hard for people to imagine that don't enjoy exercise, is exercise is not an option. | ||
| It's a necessity. | ||
| It's a necessity for body maintenance. | ||
| So all these people that go, oh, I don't want to work out. | ||
| Oh, you know, I'd rather just eat whatever I want and live while I live and roll the dice and it'll be fine. | ||
| No, you don't just have a heart attack and die. | ||
| You slowly rot away and then your body gives out. | ||
| It's not a quick and easy process. | ||
| And the quality of your time is not the same. | ||
| The quality of your time with exercise is far superior than the quality of your time without exercise because you're more relaxed. | ||
| Your body functions better. | ||
| You're stronger. | ||
| You can do things. | ||
| You don't have to be helped in so many ways. | ||
| There's a lot of people that can't even open up a jar of pickles. | ||
| Their body is just not good. | ||
| It's not working good. | ||
| You don't want to be that person. | ||
| I'm not saying you should be a bodybuilder. | ||
| You should have a six-pack. | ||
| You don't have to do that. | ||
| But you should devote a certain amount of time per week for body maintenance. | ||
| And you'll feel better. | ||
| It'll give you better decision-making abilities. | ||
| You'll be calmer. | ||
| You'll be more removed from the stress of the everyday grind because your body is experiencing some stress, some workload. | ||
| And by doing that and putting out that energy, it frees you. | ||
| Oh, my gosh. | ||
| Can I just tell you that I've met so many people on the road... | ||
| Who come up to me and say, please tell Joe Rogan thank you because I lost 100 pounds because I've been listening to him. | ||
| I lost 50 pounds. | ||
| I started exercising because I've been listening to Joe. | ||
| So just know that people totally listen to you and totally have changed their lives. | ||
| It's a lot of responsibility. | ||
| But yeah, I don't fucking like Pilates. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| But to anybody listening that hates it the way I do, then pay somebody. | ||
| Pay somebody who holds you accountable, and then you have to fucking show up, and they make you do it. | ||
| Just go. | ||
| Don't even pay somebody. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| And here's the thing with people who don't have any money. | ||
| If you can listen to this podcast, it means you have a computer, right? | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| If you have a computer, or if you have a phone, if you have a regular iPhone or something like that, you can go on YouTube and you can play a yoga class. | ||
| There's a ton of them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You don't need to pay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| You don't need to pay. | ||
| I mean, hot yoga, I think, is better because it's more strained in your body. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Regular yoga is fine. | ||
| It's fucking great for you. | ||
| Yeah, YouTube. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And also for bodyweight exercises. | ||
| I tell people that that want to know kettlebell exercises. | ||
| Like, yeah, if you can afford to have someone teach you how to do it correctly, that's good. | ||
| But you can learn everything you want to learn on YouTube. | ||
| That's not amazing. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I unclogged our drain one time. | ||
| From YouTube? | ||
| From YouTube. | ||
| I was like, we didn't have any money, and the bathtub was full and fucked up, and I was like, I'm not going to pay some fucking guy to come here and just snake this thing, and then that's it. | ||
| And I learned how to do it. | ||
| I went down the hardware store, got the thing. | ||
| I got one of those once. | ||
| I got one of them power snakes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| Fucking snake the shit out of my... | ||
| I washed my dogs in the shower and it was just caked up with hair. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| I had just like hair pie. | ||
| I would pull it out of the drain, like these big wads. | ||
| Especially Brutus, my Shibu Inu English Bulldog mix. | ||
| He's got a lot of hair. | ||
| And when I would wash him in the shower, I would pull these hunks. | ||
| And Marshall's the worst, though. | ||
| The Golden's the worst. | ||
| He'd pull these giant chunks. | ||
| Yeah, like people's hair. | ||
| And it just clogged everything up. | ||
| So I just got one of them snakes and shoved it in there. | ||
| And it follows its way down and cleans it all out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| And then the water flushes. | ||
| Don't pump that Drano shit down there, though. | ||
| That eats away your pipes, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| You know what I was thinking? | ||
| I should have fucking become like a plumber or an electrician while I was doing stand-up in the beginning, like as a day job. | ||
| Because when some shit happens at your house and you got to call that asshole and they come out, they have all the power. | ||
| The guy who knows how to just fix your plumbing or your electricity, it's not a small job. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| But the guy that knows how to do that has all the power in that situation. | ||
| And you're so vulnerable, you know, when your lights don't work or the thing and the hanging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You're like, oh, you have the knowledge or the power to do this. | ||
| Please help me. | ||
| So you think you should have become a plumber just to learn it so that you could do it for yourself or to do it as a job? | ||
| No, as a gig. | ||
| That should have been my daytime gig. | ||
| Yeah, but if you do that as a gig, like, that's not an easy gig to get. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| You have to have an apprenticeship. | ||
| You learn how to do it. | ||
| You get in a union. | ||
| Oh, yeah, there's a reunion? | ||
| There's a lot of shit. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of shit involved. | ||
| I don't know, then. | ||
| Yeah, and you know what? | ||
| It's such a good skill, though. | ||
| It is, but it's also super long hours. | ||
| Like, you're working hard. | ||
| Like, plumbers work, you know? | ||
| It's the long hours. | ||
| I was hoping I could make my own hours a bit more. | ||
| Well, and the good thing about something like that, though, is you would have your nights free. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| But you'd be so tired. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You need a lazy day job. | ||
| That's what I found for stand-up. | ||
| It was the best just to have, like, a 9-to-5 that I didn't give a shit about. | ||
| Didn't have to expend too much energy. | ||
| What was your 9-to-5 job when you first started making it? | ||
| When you first started working? | ||
| Well, the best job I ever had was at the Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Fucking funnest job. | ||
| It was part time. | ||
| And I would like help the Girl Scout cookie drive sale. | ||
| I would answer phones. | ||
| And I was on Chelsea lately at the same time. | ||
| So I would go do the round table and then go work at the Girl Scouts like the next day. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| It was fun though. | ||
| It was like an easy paycheck. | ||
| Did you hear they're gonna let girls in the Cub Scouts now? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Now is it vice versa too? | ||
| The Cub Scouts are gonna join the Girl Scouts? | ||
| I don't think any boys are going to sign up for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| How dare you? | ||
| How binary of you. | ||
| Yeah, I'm super binary. | ||
| I bought my son a... | ||
| Oh, we're so binary in our house. | ||
| We just bought my son a football book. | ||
| It's in the shape of a football and explains football to the boy. | ||
| You should do that and right next to it put a little dress and see which one he chooses. | ||
| I fucking tell you right now what he chooses. | ||
| It's so funny now that I have a son and I'm like, the kid likes dirt. | ||
| He's playing in the trash can right now. | ||
| Dinosaurs. | ||
| All that stuff. | ||
| Cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dirt. | |
| Just muck. | ||
| He's 100% heterosexual. | ||
| Well, he might not be. | ||
| He might be just like a super bear. | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| A muscle bear. | ||
| I'd like that too. | ||
| A muscly bear character. | ||
| Because if he's Tommy's boy, he's going to be hairy as fuck. | ||
| Hairy, yeah. | ||
| He's going to be like a wolf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's so cute. | |
| His back hair, armpit hair. | ||
| Imagine if he's a little baby and he starts growing back hair. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, you're a baby. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Jamie, I want you to Google babies with back hair. | ||
| There's got to be some Iranian wrestler baby. | ||
| Iranian. | ||
| Some Russian manly little baby with fucking thick back hair. | ||
| That's hilarious, dude. | ||
| Like, what is the youngest ever child that had back hair? | ||
| Okay, there's got to be some weird genetic thing like hirsutism. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at this. | |
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| Okay, there you go. | ||
| That's a hairy fucking baby. | ||
| Jesus Christ, is that baby's ass ever clean? | ||
| That's the hairiest baby ass ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| That's incredible. | ||
| That kid's got no shot. | ||
| That kid's literally gonna look like a werewolf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, look at that hairy fucking baby. | |
| That's insane. | ||
| That baby's entire back is covered in hair. | ||
| That kid's gonna be a savage. | ||
| I bet he's built like Wolverine. | ||
| He's probably like seven now and just jacked, big traps and shit. | ||
| Giant shoulders covered with fur. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Yeah, we took my son to some hippie classes, you know, and they teach, whatever. | ||
| They say shit like, we're stimulating his frontal lobe right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, nah or not. | |
| I bet you don't even know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| He's playing with, right, he's bouncing balls. | ||
| It's called bouncing the fucking ball. | ||
| And then she brings out a box of dolls. | ||
| And there's girls and boys in the class. | ||
| And my son is like, I ain't interested in that shit. | ||
| Like, he just totally doesn't want it. | ||
| And then she tells me, you know, we should teach him to like dolls, too, and also be sensitive. | ||
| I'm like, don't worry about it. | ||
| Shut up, ho. | ||
| Yeah, first of all. | ||
| My kid's not interested. | ||
| I'm not going to force him to play. | ||
| Secondly, he knows how to be gentle. | ||
| We have dogs in the house. | ||
| He learns to be... | ||
| He's not a stupid idiot kid. | ||
| But the forcing of it, I was like, all right, whatever. | ||
| Isn't that weird that someone... | ||
| First of all, the idea that you would know what a child should play with. | ||
| And you, this person who doesn't even know the kid, and does she have babies of her own? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You probably should know that too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this is like theoretical shit that she's trying to apply to a living human in some sort of experimental way and teaching it as dogma. | ||
| Yes, I know. | ||
| And it's always the bitches that don't have kids. | ||
| Right, it's always some weird fucking macrame bitches. | ||
| They smell like patchouli and fucking incense and they drive Priuses. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Too many bumper stickers. | ||
| Oh, that's cute. | ||
| They're choking those babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a baby spa in Australia. | |
| Those babies get massages and stuff. | ||
| Oh, that's kind of cool. | ||
| That kid's smiling. | ||
| You know what's really creepy? | ||
| Baby chiropractors. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a thing? | |
| Yeah, they take their babies to chiropractors and the chiropractors adjust them. | ||
| It's like, yeah, crack their necks. | ||
| Newborn babies. | ||
| Not enough money in the world. | ||
| Out of their fucking mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would never do it. | ||
| It's fucking sick. | ||
| How do you even find a school for your kid? | ||
| Chiropractic for your little one. | ||
| No, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It can help with colic, earaches, reflux, asthma, allergies, sleep problems, ADHD, and bedwetting. | ||
| Bedwetting! | ||
| And it makes them psychic. | ||
| They can see the future. | ||
| They read your mind. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| It doesn't do any of those things, you fucking assholes. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| You baby-cracking cunts. | ||
| That is one of the creepiest fucking things. | ||
| And this is the other thing. | ||
| To have the best possible start, everything is marketed that if you don't do this for your child, they're going to be developmentally behind every other asshole. | ||
| Well, I have to tell you, I've known the human race now for 41 years. | ||
| I'm not fucking impressed. | ||
| And I'm not worried that my kid is behind all these assholes. | ||
| Because Most people aren't really doing much anyway, so I'm not so worried about getting ahead. | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| By cracking his neck. | ||
| Yeah, he needs his fucking neck cracked. | ||
| Zero evidence that does anything, by the way. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| I don't know about it either. | ||
| I do know about it, unfortunately. | ||
| Yeah, I went into it. | ||
| I had a lady on who has written articles about it. | ||
| It was all invented by a guy who was a magnetic healer in the 1800s. | ||
| It's one of those things that's grandfathered in that we like to think of as being a legit source of medicine. | ||
| They call themselves doctors. | ||
| They don't go to medical school. | ||
| There's no medical school. | ||
| It's like leeching or something. | ||
| They put leeches on you. | ||
| Not that bad. | ||
| Well, it's just, leeches might actually have a medical benefit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the only thing that seems to help is adjusting lower back for some people, alleviate some pain. | ||
| But the problem is there's like some psychosomatic shit going on with people. | ||
| There's like some, you know, placebo effect. | ||
| Like, does that feel better? | ||
| Yeah, it kind of does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Yeah, it kind of does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're looking forward to feel better. | ||
| Just being touched feels better. | ||
| Getting a massage feels better. | ||
| If you go to an orthopedic surgeon, you have a tear in your knee, they replace your ACL, that's fucking real. | ||
| They really fixed you. | ||
| If someone just takes you and goes, okay, relax, relax. | ||
| I want you to think about your chakra. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Think about this side. | |
| Hold on, I'm going to get it. | ||
| Okay, I got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it. | |
| I got it. | ||
| You didn't get anything! | ||
| And it's terrifying. | ||
| It's terrifying to have somebody do that to you. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| You know, a girl died last year, some Playboy Playmate character. | ||
| She got adjusted and she developed some sort of a blood clot and died. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Good. | ||
| And someone, I talked about that, and people that love chiropractors or are chiropractors, they emailed me. | ||
| You fucking asshole. | ||
| You're spreading negative shit about chiropractic. | ||
| That woman had a medical issue that she did not dissolve. | ||
| Just listen to me. | ||
| If she can get through life and not have a fucking stroke until someone adjusts her neck, how the hell is adjusting your neck good? | ||
| She had a medical issue? | ||
| What medical issue? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She doesn't like getting her neck strangled? | ||
| Like, what is going on? | ||
| Did she bleed easy? | ||
| Was she hemophiliac? | ||
| Like, what's causing... | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| There's no evidence that that works. | ||
| It doesn't do anything. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know shit about it. | ||
| I don't trust it, though. | ||
| I don't let anybody fucking crack me. | ||
| It's crazy how prominent it is. | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| We had a girl tell us when our son was eight weeks old and he was crying around five o'clock every night. | ||
| It was his witching hour. | ||
| Newborns often have a time of day. | ||
| They get cranky. | ||
| This is our nanny at the time. | ||
| She goes, you know, I sense his energy is off. | ||
| It might be because he's sensing your anxiety. | ||
| Well, I have a friend that does Reiki, and she normally charges $100 an hour, but she'll charge you $50 because he's so small. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's when they do this, like, body thing. | ||
| They go near you, the energy with the hands. | ||
| It's infuriating. | ||
| Have you ever had somebody do Reiki? | ||
| You will want to blow your fucking brains out. | ||
| I had a lady do it to me, and I don't know what it does, but they hover over you, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Over your chakra, whatever the fuck that is. | ||
| And the whole time I'm like, I'm so angry that this person's doing... | ||
| Yeah, like, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why'd you let her do it? | |
| Stop it, touch me. | ||
| Why'd you let her do it? | ||
| Because I wanted to try it. | ||
| Because I had heard about it, and I was like, well, is it like a massage? | ||
| I didn't really know enough. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's not a massage. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| Oh, is she doing it right here? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Reiki treatment session. | ||
| Please give me some volume so I can understand how she's healing her vagina. | ||
| She's hovering over her pussy. | ||
| She's like, this area is hot. | ||
| I'm sensing warmth. | ||
| You might have syphilis. | ||
| Go to a doctor. | ||
| What's up with your socks? | ||
| That's a woman who's giving up on life with those socks. | ||
| Yes, she's... | ||
| Shutting it down. | ||
| Oh, hold on. | ||
| Shockless? | ||
| Oh, fuck off. | ||
| Oh, starting at the third eye. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's super healthy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| You're not near her eyes, you crazy bitch. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's her third eye, Joe. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why it's infuriating. | |
| It lasts forever. | ||
| Super healthy. | ||
| Look at how she's got a chart on the wall, so it's got to be legit. | ||
| The fucking chart legitimizes it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's drawn like a 1960s kung fu diagram. | ||
| This is where the death touch is. | ||
| My stupid chart. | ||
| I had a lady corner me at the Comedy Store and tell me that she's a Reiki healer and she made me put my hand out and I go, what are you gonna do? | ||
| She's like, I'm just gonna just so you can feel it and I go, what am I feeling? | ||
| She goes, just put your hand out and just empty your mind. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| Done. | ||
| I put my hand out and she just hovers her hand over. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| And she's like, you're not open. | ||
| This is not going to work if you're not open. | ||
| I'm like, oh, it's not going to work then because you're just hovering your hand over me. | ||
| She's like, I'm a Reiki healer. | ||
| I'm like, bitch, you're crazy. | ||
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| No, she's a shyster. | ||
| These are hucksters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think they believe. | ||
| I don't know if they believe. | ||
| Some of them, well, I don't want to generalize them into one giant group, but some of them must believe they're doing something. | ||
| Well, I think you have to believe it's working, too. | ||
| It's a placebo effect. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| I mean, look, I've been hypnotized to stop smoking cigarettes, and it's been 11 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's different. | |
| That's different. | ||
| But you don't believe that you have to be open to it? | ||
| Hypnosis is legit. | ||
| Yeah, but hypnosis is legit. | ||
| And I think that's what stand-up is. | ||
| I think when you're killing, like, say if I watch you, if you're on stage and you're killing and I'm sitting in the back of the room, I'm letting you think for me. | ||
| I'm like caught in your trance, right? | ||
| You're like, I'm not... | ||
| I'm not thinking, I don't know if I agree with her. | ||
| Eh, maybe she's wrong. | ||
| Eh, I don't like her dress. | ||
| I'm sitting there and I'm allowing, if you're killing and I'm locked into you and I'm really enjoying the show, I'm allowing you to think for me. | ||
| And I'm falling into this trance in sort of a way. | ||
| And when you're making me laugh, then I have confidence in your thought process. | ||
| That I'll let you take the reins, and I'll just sit back and have a good time. | ||
| I think there's something to that because I was hypnotized for the first time last year by a friend of mine. | ||
| His name is Vinny Shorman, and he does a lot of work. | ||
| He's a hypnotist, but he also does a lot of work with fighters. | ||
| And he puts them in this state, and you're entirely conscious while this is happening. | ||
| But he puts you in this very, very relaxed state, and you go over things that you would like to work on or go over things if you want. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| Go over things that are bothering you about the past. | ||
| But what it is is about putting you in a state of mind where you can just relax and think and not be overwhelmed by extraneous information or things outside of your control. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| That's like as real as meditation. | ||
| But this shit? | ||
| I'm gonna hover over your vagina and pretend I'm cooking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here I am. | |
| To feel the energy. | ||
| You're not open, Joe. | ||
| You're just not open to it. | ||
| If my hand was a marshmallow, right now I'd flip it. | ||
| Because I'm roasting over your pussy. | ||
| She covered her everything. | ||
| When she got to the vagina, she stayed there for a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was like, this is the area of your troubles. | |
| This is where it all stems. | ||
| Your pussy heat. | ||
| My hands are sweaty. | ||
| Smell them. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| But people always want to fight. | ||
| Like, there's something wrong with me. | ||
| I have anxiety. | ||
| I'm living in traffic. | ||
| I don't like my life. | ||
| Someone fix me. | ||
| Fix it. | ||
| Oh, I'm going to put needles in your head and all over the place. | ||
| That's a bunch of dog shit, too. | ||
| Open up your chakras. | ||
| Have you done acupuncture? | ||
| Only once. | ||
| Well, once, too, and I hated it. | ||
| I was so angry the whole time. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| It fucking hoits. | ||
| Did it hurt? | ||
| For me, it did. | ||
| Maybe she was doing it wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was having migraines like 10 years ago, but it's because I was on this birth control pill that was fucking with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, no. | |
| It's because you didn't get the needles. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I wasn't open enough to the needles. | ||
| You weren't open to Reiki. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I gotta get it. | |
| Maybe if you just Reiki'd a fist right in there. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, go ahead and make a fist and put it in your own ass. | |
| Feel the energy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Massage your inner colon. | ||
| I only did it once and the guy was a chiropractor too. | ||
| So he had double bullshit going on. | ||
| He adjusted my neck and then he stuck needles in my head and he was trying to fix my shoulder. | ||
| How'd that go? | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It turned out it was just a slight little muscle pull that I needed to get over. | |
| Now what do you think about psychics and mediums? | ||
| Bullshit artists. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I think I go with I think it is entirely possible that we sense things that we don't have an understanding of like Sometimes you feel something weird like I was thinking about a friend of mine Yesterday and I hadn't talked to him in a while and he emailed me out of the blue, right? | ||
| I don't know if that's coincidence, right? | ||
| I don't know what that is, but the odds of it happening I You've got to think of how many times do you think about your friend and they don't email you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, why is it when you think about them and they do? | ||
| Is it just coincidence? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I think there are times where you sense things that you don't have a sense for. | ||
| Like, there's a feeling that you get where you don't understand. | ||
| And I think we sense things about each other. | ||
| And maybe there are social cues that we're picking up on. | ||
| Maybe people give off pheromones when they're upset. | ||
| Maybe those trigger you because we're, like, sort of designed to avoid confrontation in certain individuals. | ||
| But I think this idea that they can look at you and, like, your family is from... | ||
| I sense a farm. | ||
| Is there a farm? | ||
| Is there a farm in your past? | ||
| No. | ||
| Plants? | ||
| Selling plants? | ||
| Yeah, I had plants. | ||
| No, what it is is a potted plant. | ||
| Sit by those... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Yes, yes. | ||
| There was a potted plant. | ||
| And you were close to a woman... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Who would that be? | ||
| My mother. | ||
| My mother was a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your mother. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I see your mother. | ||
| I'm trying to picture out her name. | ||
| Is there an A in her name? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Magdalene. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very good. | |
| Dude, I went to see this lady. | ||
| She knew everything about my mom. | ||
| A friend of mine went to a chiropractor, not a chiropractor, a psychic, same shit. | ||
| Same shit, different toilet. | ||
| He went, dude, the chiropractor knew all about my grandmother. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| Don't you know about your grandmother? | ||
| You know about your grandmother, right? | ||
| So your chiropractor's telling you shit you already know? | ||
| Or your psychic, rather? | ||
| I keep killing the chiropractor. | ||
| I know, I was like... | ||
| Reiki healer knows shit about things that you already know. | ||
| So they're telling you things you already know. | ||
| Like, they're not psychic. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| They're manipulating you. | ||
| They're pulling questions out of you. | ||
| They're getting answers. | ||
| They're giving you leading questions. | ||
| You're answering them in a very naive way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're giving them the information because they're fucking con artists. | ||
| Tell this asshole to tell you what your future is. | ||
| Tell them to tell you what the lottery number is. | ||
| How come they never picked the lottery, these fucks? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And Houdini had this thing where, didn't he work it out with his wife or something? | ||
| There was a code word so that when he died, he would go from beyond, have the word that they would know, and it never happened. | ||
| Maybe he didn't like her. | ||
| Fuck that bitch. | ||
| I'm out of here. | ||
| I go by Penn and Teller. | ||
| I'm friends with Penn. | ||
| Love him. | ||
| He just tells me it's 100% horseshit. | ||
| Like 100% flat out. | ||
| You know they have that James Randi challenge. | ||
| You know that guy's offered a million dollars to anyone that can prove actual psychic powers. | ||
| No one's taking him up on it. | ||
| No one's ever... | ||
| James Randi. | ||
| It's the James Randi challenge. | ||
| Not even the... | ||
| The Long Island medium? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I think she might be a bullshit artist. | ||
| One time, I think I got hosed. | ||
| I did a show, a podcast, and the lady was... | ||
| She was good. | ||
| I think what it is is people can read your unconscious. | ||
| It's one unconscious mind reading another unconscious mind, I imagine. | ||
| I feel like your father was an artist. | ||
| Am I right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But that's the thing. | ||
| They're telling you things that you already know. | ||
| That's what drives me fucking crazy. | ||
| Affirming what's already a belief or whatever in you versus new information. | ||
| What do you think about astrologers? | ||
| Ah, that's fucking stupid. | ||
| Bullshit, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| Can I tell you something? | ||
| Whenever I meet a girl, and she's like, what's your sign? | ||
| And I'm like, Gemini. | ||
| She's like, I knew it! | ||
| You're such a Gemini. | ||
| What's your husband? | ||
| And I'm like, don't, please don't. | ||
| Like, I can't pretend like I, I can't, I can't subscribe to, it's fucking bullshit. | ||
| You're such a Scorpio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, how can you not believe you're such a Scorpio? | |
| That's just not... | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| But you can find traits in people and all sorts of people that match all sorts of different... | ||
| Like, I could be a Virgo. | ||
| I could be a Taurus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you're so stubborn. | ||
| You've got to be a Taurus. | ||
| You're such a Pisces that way. | ||
| You're such a Leo. | ||
| How could you not believe you're such a Leo? | ||
| Yeah, because I could read any horoscope and it would probably apply. | ||
| What I really wonder about... | ||
| Well, those are bullshit. | ||
| The real horoscope thing, when you talk to the people that are super into it, they literally want to know what time of the day you were born, what part of the world you were born. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then they're like, well, you're a Gemini with a cancer rising, and you're part cut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| It makes my asshole pucker. | ||
| Like, even hearing it, it's like a million alarm bells are like, dum-dum, dum-dum, I can't, I can't, I can't. | ||
| Yeah, Stanhope used to have a funny bit about it. | ||
| I forget how it goes. | ||
| We have a funny bit about how ridiculous it is. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's horseshit. | ||
| It's fun, but it's silliness. | ||
| Well, we're searching... | ||
| People are always searching for meaning. | ||
| We're always searching for someone who knows something that we don't. | ||
| Hidden knowledge. | ||
| The secrets to the universe. | ||
| Because there's so much uncertainty that leaves open this possibility that someone has like, I have been gifted. | ||
| I have a gift. | ||
| And you're like, yes, great. | ||
| Tell me everything. | ||
| I went to a psychic once. | ||
| I went to an audition in New York, and I was just like, what am I doing with my life? | ||
| Walking to the train station, I'm like, I want to go to a psychic. | ||
| So I went to the psychic, and she's like, you have a brother. | ||
| I go, no, I don't. | ||
| A psychic brother. | ||
| I feel like maybe you have a brother you don't know about. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| My mom had me when she was 20. I have a sister. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She made up a bunch of stupid shit. | ||
| She was talking about, you're not sure what you want to do with your life. | ||
| I go, no, I know exactly what I want to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| You don't know what you're doing. | ||
| I had a lady just tell me, right before I shot my special, a psychic, she goes, I go, what do you see in my future? | ||
| And I knew that the special was coming and she didn't even know what I did for a living and she goes, I see you as like an interior designer. | ||
| She's just guessing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She goes, you have a real flair for style. | ||
| I go, I certainly do not. | ||
| This is the last thing I'm good at. | ||
| I'm wearing two different colored socks, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, look at me. | ||
| I'm an animal. | ||
| Like, I don't know what I'm doing. | ||
| You're a crazy lady. | ||
| Why did you go see her? | ||
| Because it was a podcast. | ||
| It was a friend's podcast where they have mediums on. | ||
| And I thought, it'll be silly. | ||
| It'll be fun. | ||
| And, you know, I got suckered in that day, I think. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I really did. | ||
| You know, if I'm being honest, because my mother died two years ago, so I was kind of like... | ||
| And now that I'm looking back, she did totally lead me down. | ||
| Well, your mother was kind of nutty, though. | ||
| My mother was mentally ill, yeah. | ||
| Like, legit. | ||
| Like, she was a borderline personality disorder and then had schizophrenia, too. | ||
| So it was fucking wackadoodles. | ||
| Do you have to do, like, self-audits? | ||
| You mean aggressive therapy for the last decade? | ||
| Check yourself before you wreck yourself type shit. | ||
| Do you look into your own brain and go, am I wacky? | ||
| 24-7, yeah. | ||
| Well, not 24-7 anymore, but because I grew up alone with my mom, my parents split, and then I was raised by a crazy person, and so I've had to like... | ||
| Re-learn how to think and what's what's the right way to do stuff and I like I said I've been in therapy for a decade So I've had to learn you know like I just had to relearn and it's totally you totally can You know that's the thing like I and I that's why I talk I don't talk about it to be like oh poor me I had this thing but Just didn't let people know if you did grow up kind of wacky you can fucking fix your brain You can reorient you can you can change how you think you don't have to stay sick. | ||
| Yeah How often do you go to therapy? | ||
| Every week, dude. | ||
| And if I don't, I feel it. | ||
| I have a whole regimen. | ||
| It's the exercise, it's the therapy, it's eating right, it's sleeping. | ||
| You gotta do it all. | ||
| Otherwise, I get out of whack. | ||
| And what do you get out of the therapy? | ||
| So I believe in psychotherapy like getting back Freudian. | ||
| I like to go back to the initial wound to the root cause. | ||
| I like to go back look because what happens is you get wounded way back when right the childhood trauma the thing and then you grow up and it gets triggered by whatever stuff happens as an adult except now you're all fired up and you're all angry and you're so overreactive and you don't know why well it's probably not because what happened today it's what happened back here. | ||
| So if you resolve the shit back here, then what happens today becomes a lot clearer. | ||
| And it works for me. | ||
| Yeah, well that makes sense, right? | ||
| Don't think about what's going on right now. | ||
| Think about why you feel weird about what's going on right now. | ||
| Did my husband really just look at me funny and that's why I'm so furious about this little thing? | ||
| Or is this something that's mommy, daddy way back here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I think a lot of us live from the past. | ||
| You live from the past wound. | ||
| You make all your decisions based on that programming. | ||
| So if your fucking wires are crossed, you're going to make bad decisions over and over and over. | ||
| Yeah, and I would imagine that any time spent thinking about... | ||
| Your behavior, thinking about the way you think, just examining your own mind. | ||
| As long as you're really doing it justice, so many people don't ever think about the way they think. | ||
| They're just caught up in the whirlwind of life, the momentum of their own existence. | ||
| And the next thing you know, they're miserable and 50. Like, what am I doing? | ||
| Where am I? Where am I? Right. | ||
| Or it's the divorce and then the remarriage to someone who's... | ||
| This is going to be better. | ||
| He's going to fix it. | ||
| He's going to fix it. | ||
| He's my soulmate. | ||
| I'm going to have an affair. | ||
| I'm going to do that. | ||
| I'm going to act out here. | ||
| How's that going to work for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exciting. | |
| Or I'm going to start doing drugs, alcohol, overeating, whatever, gambling, compulsive. | ||
| That'll clear up this stuff, right? | ||
| The gambling one is the weirdest one to me. | ||
| I've known so many people that are compulsive gamblers and I see the itch in them to get that itch. | ||
| I'm so scared of gambling. | ||
| You go to Vegas? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| It's not for me. | ||
| Do you work there? | ||
| I have, yeah. | ||
| I work there a lot. | ||
| I work there like three or four times a year for the UFC. And I now spend zero time in casinos. | ||
| But I used to spend time in casinos because I would stay in a casino and then I would work in a casino. | ||
| But now I just stay outside of the casino. | ||
| I don't enjoy being around that energy. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| There's this frantic gambler energy where you see these people, you walk by the card tables and they're just looking and they're like, whoa, you're like watching people in an opium den. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yes. | ||
| Yeah, it's depravity, it's low energy, low frequency, the light is synthetic, the air is synthetic, the time stops, I don't like that. | ||
| And you know what I figured out too is that everyone's got the shit, the addictions, the gambling, the compulsive behaviors, because we're afraid to feel the feeling. | ||
| You're just afraid of the feeling, the bad feeling. | ||
| Well, I think it's that, but I think it's also there is a reward to winning, and you're chasing this reward constantly. | ||
| I don't necessarily know if it's a... | ||
| Being afraid of the feeling as much as being addicted to the reward. | ||
| I was reading this article that the guy who created likes on Facebook was saying that not only does he not use Facebook now, that he's got a thing set up on his computer where he can't go to Reddit, and his phone is set up where he can't download apps. | ||
| Like he doesn't like he's like that whole like thing where you go to check to see how many likes you got on a Facebook post you made or something like that like that reward system is like entirely it's addictive and it triggers this this thing in people and that it can hijack your mind I mean that was like literally like the title of the article is that like this technology can hijack your mind Without question. | ||
| At the reward system, right? | ||
| Like little rats. | ||
| Ding, ding, ding. | ||
| I got the cheese. | ||
| I got the cheese. | ||
| Like to see those people in front of the slots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, feels good. | ||
| Just droned out. | ||
| But then when you're in the reward system, you're not thinking about the stuff that's bothering you, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| Likes? | ||
| Love me, daddy. | ||
| Good, good, good. | ||
| I have to think about that. | ||
| Gambling is a weird one, man. | ||
| Yeah, I don't understand it because you're really self-sabotaging. | ||
| You know who gambles up a storm? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Dice. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh yes, I've heard this, yes. | ||
| He's a maniac. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of dollars a night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Maniac. | ||
| That I did not know. | ||
| Savage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, savage gambler. | ||
| Now, what do you think, what's the motive there? | ||
| He's mentally ill. | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big fat fucking ass! | |
| I loved him. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| I loved him, by the way, as a child. | ||
| Oh, I did too. | ||
| I think so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I loved him. | |
| I loved being friends with him. | ||
| I love that I'm friends with Dice. | ||
| He's the coolest. | ||
| I don't know him, but personally. | ||
| Talk to him on the phone. | ||
| Joseph! | ||
| Talk to me. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| But he loves the thrill of gambling. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the thrill... | ||
| I avoid gambling altogether. | ||
| I'm far too frugal. | ||
| But is it the thing of I can lose everything? | ||
| There's a little of that. | ||
| There's the rush of winning, too. | ||
| It's not just the notion that you could lose everything. | ||
| It's the rush of winning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Dana White's a giant gambler. | ||
| He's lost as much as a million dollars in a night. | ||
| Wait, is he a surfboard or skipper? | ||
| President of the UFC. Oh, sorry. | ||
| Who am I thinking of? | ||
| Is he a band? | ||
| Is he a boy band member? | ||
| I'm thinking of Sean White. | ||
| Is he a b-boy? | ||
| You know what I've been getting into lately? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Breakdancers. | ||
| I fucking love breakdancing. | ||
| I love that era. | ||
| Dude, there's an Instagram page called Stance Elements. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| These guys are on another level. | ||
| There's this young Korean kid. | ||
| The shit that he does defies physics. | ||
| I think they call him Pocket Kim or something like that is his name. | ||
| He's on that Stance Elements page. | ||
| Dude, there's a school you can go to and learn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm too busy. | ||
| I'm too fucking busy. | ||
| I'm having a hard enough time with English. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| Yeah, what is his name? | ||
| Bobby Pocket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
B-Boy Pocket. | |
| B-Boy Pocket. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Watch this guy. | ||
| Check this guy. | ||
| But no, you can't believe the shit he can do. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Dude, seriously. | ||
| What in the fuck? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I mean, what in the fuck? | ||
| This guy is on such another level than anything I've ever seen before. | ||
| He's like taking this to some completely new place. | ||
| So rad, dude. | ||
| He was on... | ||
| I was looking at Tim Ferriss's Instagram page. | ||
| I like Tim Ferriss. | ||
| And this was on it. | ||
| Yeah, and this was on it. | ||
| This guy was on it. | ||
| And I was like, what in the fuck? | ||
| And then I started following stance elements on Instagram. | ||
| Once I started following her on Instagram, I realized, like, oh my god, I had no idea this was even happening. | ||
| Like, there's, and it's girls, too. | ||
| There's a bunch of girls. | ||
| Scroll down and see some of the girls. | ||
| Like, you see, like, there was a girl with long hair with a hat on. | ||
| Keep scrolling down. | ||
| Keep scrolling down. | ||
| There was a girl on, like, dance floor type situation with long hair and a hat. | ||
| Like, keep going. | ||
| You'll find her. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That might be one of them. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of them. | ||
| Watch this girl. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But, But these girls can do crazy shit, too. | |
| Like, they're unbelievable athletes. | ||
| Give me some music there, Jamie. | ||
| But it's like, it's a crazy, like, gymnastics, rhythmic gymnastics art form thing. | ||
| Like, so they do the dance thing where they're standing up, and then they get down on the ground. | ||
| That's so hard, dude. | ||
| Oh, it's crazy. | ||
| Could you even imagine doing this shit now? | ||
| No. | ||
| But what's really interesting is a lot of these people... | ||
| That get into Jiu Jitsu are particularly talented at Jiu Jitsu because they have some amazing control over their body. | ||
| One of our best students from 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu is Gio Martinez and Richie Martinez, these two brothers. | ||
| And they're both break dancers. | ||
| They started out break dancing and now they're fucking savage Jiu Jitsu fighters. | ||
| And it's one of the reasons why is because they have this incredible control of their body. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| But I'm fascinated. | ||
| I go to that every day. | ||
| I'm like, what's the new freak shit people are doing? | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| You find your Instagram jams, right? | ||
| Oh, I have a lot of jams on Instagram. | ||
| What's your other jam? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I follow a lot of nature pages. | ||
| Oh, nature? | ||
| I gotta get into that. | ||
| See? | ||
| Yeah, nature is metal is one of my favorite. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Have you been to nature is metal? | ||
| Nope, I'm gonna. | ||
| Horrific fucking animals killing each other. | ||
| You do like that, because you always do post shit like, look at this fucking beast, and it's some crazy animal. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta tell everybody, look at that one. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| These wolves fighting over a deer that they killed. | ||
| That's bananas. | ||
| Yeah, they're covered in blood. | ||
| There's one that's going on right now. | ||
| It's not visual, but it's a story on my friend Remy Warren. | ||
| On his Instagram page, they were on an island in Alaska and they got attacked by a giant grizzly bear, a giant Kodiak brown bear, a thousand pound bear, knocked them over, ran through the camp. | ||
| One guy was literally riding on the bear's back as it ran down the hill. | ||
| The bear literally attacked and there was so many people and everybody scattered in certain directions and nobody got killed, but they easily could have gotten killed. | ||
| And it's on his Instagram page. | ||
| There's that video, but there's also on his Instagram story. | ||
| If you're using the app and you click on his little icon, it's like one of those where you see like a hundred dots in a row and he broke... | ||
| I don't know how he did it. | ||
| He broke like a long video down into 15-second chunks. | ||
| You record the whole video, and then you gotta take time to put it up on the story, but... | ||
| Right, but how do you do one... | ||
| Will they seamlessly go into the other, where there's no breaks? | ||
| Just use the next 15 second part. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's a little bit of a pain in the dick. | ||
| There might be a better way, but I don't think that there is. | ||
| But the way he did it is so seamless, it seems like there is a better way. | ||
| Maybe they're better at it now. | ||
| Anyway, a thousand pound huge Kodiak brown bear charged them because they had killed an elk and they had the elk in camp. | ||
| They had the meat in camp and this bear just ran over the top of the hill full blast at them, knocking people left and right. | ||
| And they said it was only because there were so many of them that they survived and nobody got hurt. | ||
| One guy hit the bear in the face with ski poles with like trekking poles and the bear scrambled. | ||
| Like he said literally there was giant gnashing teeth inches from his face. | ||
| And everyone went full reptilian. | ||
| They didn't see it coming. | ||
| They had bear spray and pistols, but they couldn't get to them in time. | ||
| They're like, you think you can handle this? | ||
| Like, you think you're prepared? | ||
| Like, oh, I would have done this. | ||
| Next time you should do this. | ||
| He's like, there's no next time. | ||
| You have no idea how you're going to react when a thousand pound bear runs at you. | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| I mean, we had a rat in our house. | ||
| And I was like terrified of killing it and seeing it dead. | ||
| But I was excited to put down those traps. | ||
| You know, like the snap traps. | ||
| I was like, I'm gonna fucking kill this thing. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to get like a night vision camera. | ||
| Just to make sure. | ||
| You know, Red Band did that. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| He captured it on film. | ||
| Like the rat getting caught in the trap. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| The thing is screaming. | ||
| I know. | ||
| When the trap gets like... | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know, but when that motherfucker's shitting all over your house and shitting in your kitchen, that's all I want is to see him dead. | ||
| Well, you guys are in the hills. | ||
| When you're in the hills, you get rats. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know what's so silly is that that rat thing, I mean, we eventually caught it because I poisoned the fuck out of our yard. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| It felt good to kill it. | ||
| I showed up dead one day. | ||
| My kid was playing right next to it. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, it's here. | ||
| It was all stiff and I got to throw it away. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It really made me realize, maybe this is whatever tangent, but I think I'm becoming more of an atheist too. | ||
| You start to realize that it really just is like humans versus the elements. | ||
| Like, it's just us trying to build a fucking house, trying to keep the rodents out, trying to keep your shit safe, bears from eating you, trying to keep your young safe, trying to get them raised. | ||
| We're just animals, but we've got like cars and iPhones and shit, you know? | ||
| Yeah, but there's definitely a lot of that. | ||
| Two camera shoot with night vision. | ||
| I have this trap too. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Is it down? | ||
| I was trying to find it. | ||
| I don't remember exactly where he had it. | ||
| He's got it up somewhere on Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| But yeah, he caught them. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| This is a good trap. | ||
| We have this one too. | ||
| It's an electric one, I believe. | ||
| But he was hearing them in his walls and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| God damn it. | ||
| Have you ever seen Rats on Netflix? | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| The movie? | ||
| Stop what you're doing, because I'm about to ruin. | ||
| There's a documentary, Rats on Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, bro. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| It's so scary. | ||
| They're nasty as fuck, huh? | ||
| They're so nasty and you realize how many there are. | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| Oh, my asshole just tangled. | ||
| New York City, overrun. | ||
| They say the weight in humans and the weight in rats might be the same in New York. | ||
| I'm sorry? | ||
| Really? | ||
| The weight of humans and the weight of rats. | ||
| There might be as many pounds of rat as there are pounds of people. | ||
| That's one theory. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| It's just guesswork how many rats there are, but they're convinced there's as many rats as there are people. | ||
| There's 7 million people in New York! | ||
| There's 7 million rats! | ||
| But they say it might be as high as the body mass, like the biomass of rats and the biomass of people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, that's why I knew when I fucking found one... | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When you find one, there's a bunch. | ||
| These unfortunate rats were not part of the comb study, were found hung by the Lower East Side resident last summer. | ||
| They hung rats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How big they are. | |
| Why'd they hang them? | ||
| Those are horrendous. | ||
| Why'd they hang them? | ||
| Just to let all the other rats know. | ||
| Listen, you cunts. | ||
| It's my fucking neighborhood. | ||
| Let this be a warning. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| Have you seen those Cuban rats in Cuba? | ||
| My husband went there once, and they're called Nutria. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They have those in the South. | ||
| Like, they hunt them. | ||
| Yeah, good. | ||
| Apparently, they taste good. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes, yes, people cook them. | ||
| Apparently, it's like... | ||
| God, did Anthony Bourdain have it on his show? | ||
| No, it was on another show. | ||
| It was on someone's show. | ||
| Someone had a show about edible wild animals that people take for granted. | ||
| I forget what it was called. | ||
| But he cooked nutria, and it was delicious. | ||
| He made this casserole or something. | ||
| Wait, was he in Uganda? | ||
| I think that was in Uganda. | ||
| No! | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yeah, he was in the South. | ||
| Because I think in Uganda one time they fed him a rat and he was like, it's delicious. | ||
| And you just knew that he was big. | ||
| It was in a yellow curry sauce. | ||
| I had squirrel. | ||
| I hear it's greasy. | ||
| The way I had it wasn't greasy, but it was good. | ||
| It tasted good. | ||
| It didn't taste bad. | ||
| It didn't taste bad, but it's not good. | ||
| I mean, you gotta think it's eating acorns, you know? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Is that what they eat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's probably just like rabbits. | ||
| Like, have you ever eaten rabbit? | ||
| I like rabbit. | ||
| Yeah, squirrel's probably the same. | ||
| I've had a rattlesnake, jambalaya. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| I've had alligator. | ||
| I like alligator. | ||
| I'm supposed to go hunt alligators with a buddy of mine. | ||
| Those are cool. | ||
| Gonna bow hunt for alligator. | ||
| Fucking dinosaurs, dude? | ||
| Yeah, you're basically shooting a purse. | ||
| When I was on Road Rules back in the 90s, we went to Crocodile Farm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You were on Road Rules in the 90s? | ||
| You didn't know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Really? | ||
| This whole time? | ||
| MTV, Road Rules? | ||
| Yeah, the red-haired stepchild of the real world. | ||
| Dude, I was in a Winnebago. | ||
| We went to Australia. | ||
| How was it the red-haired stepchild? | ||
| Was it the same producers or something? | ||
| Same company, Buna Murray, and The Real World was like the flagship awesome show, and then like a fraction watched The Road Rules. | ||
| Do you know Matt Kunitz, one of the guys who was the, you know Matt? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| He's the guy who was a producer of Fear Factor. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Matt's a friend of mine. | ||
| It's a small world. | ||
| I vacation with him. | ||
| Oh, well, tell him I said, hello. | ||
| I do love Matt Kunitz. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of good people. | ||
| I worked with him forever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good people come out here. | ||
| But anyway, we worked at the crocodile farm, and this is back in the day. | ||
| There I am. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| And not wearing jeans, by the way. | ||
| Dude, you're a baby. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're like a baby. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's you? | ||
| Yeah, I was like 20. Zoom in on her. | ||
| Low res, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How old were you then? | ||
| Like 20. Wow. | ||
| Crazy haircut, too. | ||
| Look at that 90s haircut. | ||
| Isn't it funny how people get on those shows and they're like, hey, maybe something will happen out of this. | ||
| How few people things happen for. | ||
| Never. | ||
| You know who Michael Yo? | ||
| Do you know Michael Yo? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| The Yo Show. | ||
| He was on the first ever episode of Fear Factor. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He's really good. | ||
| He's really talented. | ||
| He's a great guy too. | ||
| Sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| But he was like one of the rare guys that made it through Fear Factor and became famous. | ||
| How many people do you think came on Fear Factor being like, someone's gonna see me and I'm gonna be like discovered. | ||
| Probably a few, right? | ||
| But, you know, that wasn't the show. | ||
| Like, it's not American Idol. | ||
| No. | ||
| Even American Idol. | ||
| Think about all the people that were on American Idol. | ||
| What is the percentage of people that are on America's Got Talent that actually have a career afterwards? | ||
| Well, you know who actually did was Melissa Villasenor. | ||
| She was on AGT. Who's Melissa? | ||
| Melissa Villasenor. | ||
| She's now on Saturday Night Live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| She's an amazing impressionist. | ||
| I mean, this girl was on Instagram every day doing like Gwen Stefani, Jaylee, what's his name? | ||
| Osmit, whole fucks nut from Sixth Sense. | ||
| Jaylee, suck my nuts. | ||
| She would do these obscure things and they were spot on. | ||
| And she came on your mom's house and pretended to be Gloria Estefan. | ||
| And was fantastic. | ||
| We played the call for Gloria Estefan. | ||
| And she was like, oh my god, this girl is amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So she's on there. | ||
| So I would say that's for sure I know. | ||
| Melissa Villasenor is amazing and talented. | ||
| And that Terry Fedor guy. | ||
| He has a fucking theater in Vegas at the Mirage. | ||
| But wasn't he always... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I thought he was successful prior to being on... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, he won America's Got Talent. | ||
| That's like his credit. | ||
| It says, winner of America's Got Talent. | ||
| And they have a theater named after him in Vegas. | ||
| It's bananas. | ||
| The Terry Fedor Theater. | ||
| Season 2. Season 2. What are they up to? | ||
| Like, season 90 now? | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| Who's that season 10 guy? | ||
| He's trying to beat Terry Fedor. | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| Paul Zurdin. | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| British comedian. | ||
| Yeah, I mean look, he's got puppets. | ||
| Like there's not a whole lot of guys with puppets in America. | ||
| Like stop and think about that. | ||
| What are the numbers of people that have like a puppet act that are comics today? | ||
| Well, we got the big one. | ||
| What's his nuts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Come on, the guy. | ||
| We have the same manager. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That guy, Jeff... | ||
| Dunham. | ||
| Dunham. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| Huge. | ||
| He's giant. | ||
| Huge, yeah. | ||
| He sells out arenas. | ||
| Arenas and in like crazy markets that you wouldn't even... | ||
|
unidentified
|
This girl just won it. | |
| She won it. | ||
| Good for you, Darcy. | ||
| She's 12. Yeah. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I like it fucking... | ||
| Get her off the stage. | ||
| She doesn't know what she's doing. | ||
| Fuck nuts. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Simon. | |
| Simon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Simon Cowell. | |
| Everyone sucks. | ||
| I'm such a cunt. | ||
| Yeah, Howie. | ||
| And then that's Spice. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Scary Spice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The comedian that did very well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He made it to the finals. | |
| His first thing he did in LA, I think, was on Kill Tony. | ||
| He was on Kill Tony quite a few times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| That's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His name's Preacher Lawson. | |
| Oh. | ||
| And he made it all the way to the finals. | ||
| That's him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
High energy comedian, yeah. | |
| It's pretty good. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Got a lot of energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's very muscular and shit. | ||
| That's the kids say. | ||
| He's taking a chance wearing tight clothing too. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Distracting from his stage persona. | ||
| See, now that's an interesting, we were talking about this with Brendan Schaub on our show, and he doesn't like to dress too attractively, like showing off his physique on stage. | ||
| And women, I have a similar problem too. | ||
| I have huge tits. | ||
| And so one of my problems with my special was like, how do I fucking cover up these enormous cans? | ||
| Look at that tits! | ||
| Look at that tits on that one! | ||
| And jokes too, but tits! | ||
| Yeah, please, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta jerk off before I watch the specials. | |
| What is it about tits? | ||
| Like, there's something about tits. | ||
| Well, they're your first thing. | ||
| We were talking about this in the beginning, that when you're born and your mom goes, here you go, and you're like, these are great. | ||
| Where can I get more of this? | ||
| Plus, guys stare at tits with the hope that almost like when you stare up at the sky, every now and then you see a shooting star. | ||
| If you stare at tits, every now and then one will pop out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, whoa! | |
| A little nip-snip! | ||
| Does that really happen? | ||
| Yeah, nip slips are real. | ||
| I've seen nip slips. | ||
| I've seen girls, like, they bend over to, like, fix their shoe and their tip pops out. | ||
| Oh my god, did you see that? | ||
| Like, don't worry, it's no big deal. | ||
| I looked away as soon as I saw it. | ||
| I'm being respectful. | ||
| So at what age does that, like, what age does that all calm down and you become, like, a civilized human? | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Is that a stupid question? | ||
| What is this Narnia land? | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| I think when your dick stops working. | ||
| Look at Harvey. | ||
| Harvey Weinstein's, like, 70 years old, right? | ||
| How old is he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Disgusting. | |
| He's getting his rape on. | ||
| He's too old to be that rapey. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Viagra, cocaine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, at 60, shit's supposed to kind of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old is he? | |
| 65. I think he farts when he comes. | ||
| This nasty. | ||
| You nasty heart. | ||
| Yeah, of course he farts when he comes. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Now here's a question. | ||
| How does a guy bounce back? | ||
| This is not bounceable. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| So what do you do? | ||
| Especially in today's culture where there's no hall pass anymore for this shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's just got to go into hiding. | ||
| Or like Bill Cosby, do the complete deflection. | ||
| Like, I don't know what these bitches are talking about. | ||
| He's in total denial. | ||
| But he's also blind. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Bill Cosby's almost completely blind. | ||
| It's weird when you look at him like it's all cockeyed shit. | ||
| It's almost like his body is rebelling on his reality. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| The evil's making him blind. | ||
| I was a fan of his in a big way when I was a little kid. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I remember listening to Bill Cosby himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, yeah, his eyes are all fucked up now. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He has like really aggressive glaucoma. | ||
| Go with the one above in the gray sweater. | ||
| My favorite is the folded hands. | ||
| Like, Rudy. | ||
| Look at that picture right there. | ||
| Come get your pooty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the mugshot when he got arrested. | ||
| It's just so weird. | ||
| Go from that picture to the one in the upper right where he's smiling. | ||
| Like, what happened? | ||
| Like, this was the guy we thought we were getting, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We thought we were getting Jell-O pudding, America. | |
| Look at him, he's smiling. | ||
| Imagine if you were the girl who this guy raped. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And you had to watch him be like America's sweetheart. | ||
| And you're like, no, you're a monster. | ||
| You're taking people's humanity. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Like the Hugh Hefner thing. | ||
| He's just a freak. | ||
| You know, they know what they're signing up for. | ||
| He's not drugging anybody. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And everyone's kind of aware. | ||
| Hey, guess what? | ||
| It's creepy. | ||
| It's not going to be great. | ||
| But there's an exchange here. | ||
| You get free rent. | ||
| You know, the pajama thing. | ||
| Even Harvey's not drugging anybody. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We don't know yet. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm just talking shit. | ||
| But for the stories that I'm hearing, he's just like trying. | ||
| Like, again, he's missing a lot of pitches. | ||
| Like, over the years, right? | ||
| So if 25 women have come forward, how many did he just fucking knock it out of the park inside the mind of Bill Cosby? | ||
| Wow, what year was that? | ||
| I wish we could really... | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| It's just like pills and rape. | ||
| Rerecord that out. | ||
| Just cumming and people are asleep. | ||
| It's his favorite thing. | ||
| How is that the favorite, too? | ||
| Like, I need you to be totally dead. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've heard theories. | ||
| One of the theories that I heard that was kind of interesting is that when you are that much of a celebrity in a time where there's no repercussions, like pre-internet, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That your thoughts of who you are in comparison to who other people are is that you really literally feel like you're royalty. | ||
| Like you're better than other people. | ||
| You know, I worked at a casino once and they told me that this was before Bill Cosby got arrested. | ||
| This was when the allegations were just before they were even emerging. | ||
| This was before anything happened. | ||
| They were talking about how weird he was and that he made the employees all sit down and watch him eat curry. | ||
| He had to have everybody in that was working there, door people, box office. | ||
| They had to sit in the room with him and watch him while he ate. | ||
| And then he had a security guard tuck him into bed, like literally tuck him into bed at night when he went to sleep. | ||
| What's with the curry, though? | ||
| He wanted people to watch him eat. | ||
| And then watch him take a shit. | ||
| I mean, you could be generous and say, well, maybe it's his way of getting over stage fright. | ||
| He gets over the feeling of people watching him. | ||
| All these people staring at him and then going on stage. | ||
| It could be an effective strategy. | ||
| If you really think about it... | ||
| If you have a room full of people that are just staring at you and you're just doing normal stuff and then you go on stage, it's like you've kind of relaxed. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Does that make any sense? | ||
| I mean, also, no. | ||
| I mean, it does. | ||
| It does for somebody who would... | ||
| For me personally, the power move of doing that is such an asshole thing. | ||
| Like, hey, everybody, stop what you're doing. | ||
| Watch me eat curry. | ||
| It's so absurd. | ||
| It's like, do you really need that? | ||
| That's what the woman who was working there was telling me about. | ||
| That's how she was thinking of it. | ||
| She's like, he's so weird. | ||
| And I was like, how so? | ||
| And then she was just telling me all these stories. | ||
| In the dressing room. | ||
| They'd all be standing around. | ||
| That's a power move, though. | ||
| 20 people. | ||
| That's a power. | ||
| That's, hey, do what I say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tuck me in. | ||
| I keep climbing bed, and you have to, like, tuck. | ||
| Like a little burrito. | ||
| Yeah, a little burrito. | ||
| Read him the story. | ||
| That's how I like to go to sleep. | ||
| Miss Baba. | ||
| Shut the light out. | ||
| Now leave. | ||
| That's so dark. | ||
| Well, you know, like a lot of these people have like a whole team of handlers, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Open the door for Mr. Cosby, you know, like Mr. Cosby sits down. | ||
| You know, you might want to buckle him up. | ||
| Want to buckle up Mr. Cosby? | ||
| Mr. Cosby just sits there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You buckle him up and he just drives. | |
| Weird, right? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not even, like I don't know, I can't connect. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some people I think probably like the idea of royalty, like being royal. | ||
| It sounds like a jail. | ||
| It sounds terrible. | ||
| I follow on Instagram Kate, you know, the new royal. | ||
| Oh, what's her name? | ||
| Kate of Berkshire or whatever. | ||
| Princess Kate Middleton. | ||
| And the fantasy, in addition to the like thing, that sort of whatever culture, is the culture of people putting forward their best image all the time. | ||
| You're not really posting. | ||
| Could you imagine the absolute hell of being that 24-7? | ||
| I mean, I would hate it so much. | ||
| But does someone look forward to that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Does someone go, oh, I wish it was me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some girl's dreaming of being Kate Middleton. | ||
| It would be amazing. | ||
| I want to be Kate. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's very pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's gorgeous. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, she's fantastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's doing a great job. | |
| Do you think he's got a hog on him? | ||
| No! | ||
| Tall, skinny guy. | ||
| Might have a hog. | ||
| You know, the Brits are not known for... | ||
| For hogs? | ||
| I lived in England for a year. | ||
| I did not do anything. | ||
| I didn't touch an English hog, but I had a gay friend that was touching all the hogs. | ||
| And he was like, I'm not impressed. | ||
| I'm not impressed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at this comment. | ||
| Great-grandfather John committed suicide at age 43. His sister Julia remained a spinster her whole life, I believe. | ||
| She lived with brother Ebenezer, the shipwright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What the fuck kind of comment is that? | ||
| This guy's leaving a bunch of comments apparently. | ||
| They're just weird? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, just a bunch of stuff. | |
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Iran deal? | ||
| What kind of obtruse, scandalous, and disgraceful gnosis is this? | ||
| I'm not one of the grand and glorious vetted ones privy to the global secrets. | ||
| Like, oh, this guy's a nut. | ||
| This guy's leaving some interesting comments. | ||
| This is Kensington Royal Instagram page. | ||
| How many likes do they have there? | ||
| 119,000. | ||
| Conor McGregor shits on you, Royals. | ||
| He shits on your numbers, too. | ||
| 2.2 million? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Spit at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| You know what's a great Instagram is passenger shaming. | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, it's fantastic. | ||
| It's a flight attendant and she takes photos of people putting their nasty feet up on the seats and on the trays and acting like fools. | ||
| And then she puts it up and they talk some shit. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, see? | |
| People, look at this. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Nasty. | ||
| Yeah, people are gross. | ||
| Ugh, putting your feet up on the fucking thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Dude, I just had someone do it last week to me. | ||
| They put their foot in between the seat. | ||
| See how that dog is? | ||
| Their foot was there. | ||
| So you saw the foot while you were looking down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The foot was right there. | ||
| Did you say anything? | ||
| No, I just took a picture and put it on Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, just like that. | ||
| It is nasty. | ||
| People are fucking gross. | ||
| And sometimes their feet will touch you. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Like, if someone's hand touches you, no big deal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But your fucking stinky feet. | ||
| You know what my daughter did the other day? | ||
| The same one that's making me wear this gay bracelet. | ||
| My daughter made this bracelet for my seven-year-old. | ||
| She's fucking hilarious. | ||
| She had a Band-Aid on her finger. | ||
| She kept it on all day. | ||
| And she goes, Dad, smell my finger. | ||
| I'm like, I don't want to smell your finger. | ||
| She goes, come on, smell my finger. | ||
| I go, I don't want to smell your finger. | ||
| She goes, it smells like roses. | ||
| And I smell it. | ||
| It smelled like Joey Diaz's feet. | ||
| And she's laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, ah, it's disgusting. | |
| She thought it was so funny that she got me to smell it that I gave in. | ||
| After I go, okay. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| It's rad. | ||
| This tiny little seven-year-old. | ||
| It's just so funny to her. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's funny when you're going to see this about your son as he gets older. | ||
| They have their own little way of talking and thinking about things and communicating with you and the little calculated way of interfacing with the world. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I see it already. | ||
| I see some manipulation techniques. | ||
| Does he talk? | ||
| He's starting to, yeah. | ||
| Words, words. | ||
| And he can say certain things. | ||
| Yeah, it's cute as fuck. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Oh, it's so amazing. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| You're making people. | ||
| It's bananas. | ||
| We look at him, and I'm like, we made this dude. | ||
| One weekend in Virginia Beach, when you were at the Funny Bone. | ||
| We were eating at Ruth's Chris, and then this fucking guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you guys, like, when you see Tommy now with this crazy fitness routine, I mean, he looks fantastic. | ||
| I mean, I saw him the other night. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ, look how fucking great you look. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Like, he lost all that weight from the weight loss challenge and then just fucking ran with it. | ||
| He is so much happier now. | ||
| And I sing the praises of the fat shaming campaign. | ||
| And I think that shaming is such a wonderful tool to get people to jumpstart whatever it is that they need to accomplish. | ||
| But people don't want to hear that. | ||
| No. | ||
| But shame is a wonderful, it's not necessarily bad to feel shame. | ||
| Shame is okay in small doses. | ||
| It can motivate you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some people need to be motivated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And in whatever way they can get. | ||
| But the thing is, it makes people feel bad and people don't want people to feel bad. | ||
| Yeah, well, feeling bad is what makes you change. | ||
| But some people, when they shame you, they're shaming you because they're just being mean. | ||
| Any positive consequences that come from that are just inconsequential. | ||
| They're just lucky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But in this case, I think it was a constructive shame. | ||
| Well, they were both wanting to lose weight, and Tom and Bert were both shitting on each other equally back and forth. | ||
| Yeah, so crazy. | ||
| But what was interesting is, like, fans got really into it and were really mean about it. | ||
| Yes, and really funny about it. | ||
| We got many submissions on your mom's house, international submissions of English teachers in their classrooms, teaching them how to say bird is fat in English, and they're speaking Indian or something. | ||
| It was really cool. | ||
| So many videos. | ||
| Tom started doing local TV stations and talking to them about how fat bird is. | ||
| And it would get online, and it just got so crazy, you know? | ||
| And then people would go to Burt's show and yell out, Tom's fat! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and, like, Tom's shows, people would yell out, why is Burt so fat? | ||
| I definitely think the Burt is Fat campaign took off a lot more. | ||
| A lot more, yeah. | ||
| I would say that got some heat and... | ||
| I think his podcast, Bert's, is struggling in comparison to Tom's and yours. | ||
| I think you guys have a much more powerful presence online. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, he fucked with the wrong dude. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He did fuck with the wrong dude. | ||
| Now, Sober October, we are, how many, 11 days in? | ||
| What's today? | ||
| Yeah, today's the 11th. | ||
| Yeah, just so everybody knows, I'm not smoking pot, alright? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I got shamed into it, because Ari was being a fucking bitch. | ||
| He's like, you can't smoke pot. | ||
| I'm like, I can, it's just that wasn't part of the deal. | ||
| And I thought about it on September 31st, or whatever it was, September, what is it, 31? | ||
| 30? | ||
| 30. And I was like, fuck this. | ||
| I was like, I don't need to smoke pot. | ||
| I'm gonna take the whole month off pot, too. | ||
| So, I've taken the whole month off pot, and... | ||
| One of the things that's interesting is my dreams are intense. | ||
| I had a dream last night, and maybe it was because I'm paying attention to all this Harvey Weinstein shit. | ||
| I had a dream last night that there was some Russian woman who was married to some Russian dictator dude that was seducing me. | ||
| The dude was seducing you or the girl? | ||
| No, the girl was. | ||
| The woman was. | ||
| She was some really hot Russian woman, but I was terrified of her. | ||
| Because she was the wife of some really powerful man. | ||
| And she was making me hang out with her. | ||
| I didn't fuck her in my dreams, but I was basically being... | ||
| Submissive tour, you know, it was very strange and we were on a boat somehow or another like it was super vivid We're looking out and I looked out the window another boat was really close to us But it didn't collide with us all girl, but it was like super vivid and I was thinking like wow This is last night? | ||
| Yeah, and I was thinking, I didn't have any alpha brain before I went to bed either. | ||
| It wasn't like one of those dreams, but it was really vivid. | ||
| And that's one of the things that I'd heard when people stop smoking pot, is that their dreams become very vivid, and you remember your dreams. | ||
| Now, my therapist will do dream analysis on me. | ||
| And it's usually people who represent either feelings you have or... | ||
| You don't really dream... | ||
| You dream in symbolism, right? | ||
| So the Russian lady could be whoever. | ||
| It could be your mother, your sister, your wife, your... | ||
| I think she represented power to me. | ||
| Like, the feeling of being, like... | ||
| You know, it's very unusual for a man to feel like they're in a position where a woman has power over them, unless it's your boss, right? | ||
| So for me, it was like this feeling of this woman who I couldn't say no to, and I was scared of, because she was married to some dictator, you know? | ||
| And she's like, come into my room. | ||
| I want you to hang out with me. | ||
| And she was really beautiful. | ||
| I was like, oh, okay, yeah, sure, I'll do whatever. | ||
| But I was really nervous around her and shit. | ||
| And you didn't get it on? | ||
| No, not in the dream. | ||
| Not unless I forgot that part. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it was really weird. | ||
| It was like, because I was like, I better do what she says. | ||
| Like one of those things. | ||
| And I was thinking like, man, I wonder if that's what it feels like to be like... | ||
| Like someone who had to deal with someone like Harvey Weinstein. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I was wondering if that's what planted that seed in my head. | ||
| Like if I was a young starlet hoping to make it in the business and he was the guy that held, you know, possible my future in front of me. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Well, also the dreams. | ||
| Anyway, my shrink says that when you do your dream analysis, a lot of times it's feelings you can't deal with in waking life. | ||
| So it's the feeling in the dream. | ||
| All right. | ||
| What do you think they would say? | ||
| Power, powerlessness. | ||
| What do you think they would say about this dream? | ||
| I don't know, because I don't know enough about your personal life. | ||
| It would have to know more about your dynamics between your wife, whoever else is in your world. | ||
| Because it always represents other people. | ||
| You won't ever dream... | ||
| If you have problems with your mommy or your daddy, it's not really... | ||
| For instance, whenever... | ||
| This is so weird, but whenever I dream about my father, I actually dream about Howard Stern. | ||
| I associate the two. | ||
| Yeah, so Howard Stern shows up. | ||
| They have a similar sense of humor and I grew up on Stern and I see Stern is like a paternal You know, he could be my dad like in a lot of ways. | ||
| He's my comedy dad like I grew up just worshiping Howard Stern, yeah So whenever I dream about Stern, I know it's like oh I have it's a dad issue Would you be weirded out if you did a show? | ||
| I would fucking love it so much. | ||
| It's my dream I don't get geeked out on celebrities. | ||
| I don't really care. | ||
| He would be the only one that I'd be nervous. | ||
| He was the most important thing that I ever did, for sure, to me, in my mind. | ||
| He was like, I didn't give a fuck if I was on a Tonight Show. | ||
| That didn't mean anything to me. | ||
| I was never a Tonight Show comic. | ||
| In my mind, all those things were for people who wanted to do seven clean minutes. | ||
| I was a Kinnison guy. | ||
| I liked Kenison. | ||
| I liked Dice. | ||
| I liked Richard Pryor. | ||
| I didn't want to be that kind of squeaky clean comic. | ||
| So to me, Howard Stern was like this Groundbreaker. | ||
| Like, he was like the first guy to ever just do an all-talk show on regular radio, right? | ||
| I mean, he used to do songs, he used to play records, but then it became just the stuff in between the records was even better, and then it became all that. | ||
| And when I was a kid, I mean, I had heard, like, there were some funny shows in Boston back in the day when they had real DJs and shit like that, but I had always heard about Stern, you know? | ||
| And then once I first started listening to him, And it was like he was on in Boston as well. | ||
| And I was thinking, like, that's the holy grail. | ||
| When you get there, especially then, back in the day when he was on, like, regular radio and everybody was listening, it was like, you know, you'd get, like, 18 million people listening to his show. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| There's nothing ever like that before or since. | ||
| No, and I used to, I worked in my dad's shop. | ||
| My dad had a forklift repair shop, and I'd have to fucking work there every summer. | ||
| And I remember starting at like 12 years old, I started listening to Stern. | ||
| He was on like the radio here in LA in the mornings, and I would be so bummed when those four hours were over, and then I'd have to listen to whoever fucking dickhead was on after, like whatever fake nonsense radio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then like, Butt Bongo Fiesta came out. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the shit. | ||
| And they had like the, you know, the KKK guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that stuff was so, it was so radical. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember Private Parts? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I've seen it a million times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, to me, too, he also represented this fight against the suppressive free speech of the right-wing people that were in power at the time because the FCC went after him in a huge way. | ||
| They were fining his station hundreds of thousands of dollars for doing potty jokes or something like that and talking about penises. | ||
| They would attack them and literally fine them hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| It was a direct assault on free speech because it wasn't even words that they were saying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It wasn't even forbidden words. | ||
| It was like topics. | ||
| They were deciding what people could and couldn't say. | ||
| And he was, for all of us who were comics, he was at the front of the line of that shit. | ||
| I mean, he was the guy that was taking the hits. | ||
| And in a lot of ways, it boosted him, you know, because everybody was aware that he was, like, being attacked and people were outraged. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it represented when Bush was in office, when Bush was the president. | ||
| And we were all kind of freaked out by that this was happening. | ||
| You know, this guy who was this really funny guy, they were deciding he was a criminal. | ||
| And they were fining his station hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| For what? | ||
| For making people laugh? | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Yeah, so for me, it just represented so much. | ||
| It was just so, it was so crazy. | ||
| It was just, that was the most nervous I've ever been in my life. | ||
| The night before I did it, and actually I did yoga. | ||
| The night before I did it, I did yoga in my hotel room to calm myself down, and it worked. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I was super calm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, that would be like, I would love, I would love to do that. | |
| It'll probably happen. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do-do-do-do-do. | |
| What about... | ||
| What was I going to say? | ||
| Oh, I forgot now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Got mommy brain. | ||
| Yeah, I got... | ||
| Mommy brain's a real thing. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It totally changed. | ||
| I don't sleep through the night anymore. | ||
| I wake up all night. | ||
| You hear things too, right? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Everything okay? | ||
| I sense everything, man. | ||
| My spidey senses are always on as a mother. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| I don't know what's up. | ||
| Get a little human you made with your own body. | ||
| It's fucking bananas. | ||
| I don't know why women act like it's not the biggest deal in the world. | ||
| It is the craziest thing in the world. | ||
| What women act like it's not the biggest deal? | ||
| I feel like it's very normal for some people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I feel like we need to be blown away by it constantly, and we're just not blown away by it enough. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| You don't have a 50-hour-a-week day job. | ||
| A dickhead for a husband. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Maybe that's why. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, for those women, like, yeah, fucking kid's still alive. | ||
| Guess I gotta feed it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I think the experience is different depending on what kind of relationship you have with your partner, you know? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Partner sounds like you have a gay girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My gay partner. | |
| Yeah, right? | ||
| You can't say partner. | ||
| A guy said that to me about his girlfriend once. | ||
| Well, you know, me and my partner, we've been living together for a while. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Your partner? | ||
| Your partner. | ||
| That's a homosexual. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was calling his wife his partner. | ||
| Yeah, that's stupid. | ||
| That's only for gays. | ||
| That's not for... | ||
| Are you a partner in crime? | ||
| Are you guys criminals? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what do you... | |
| You're your business partner? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| It was just such a weird way of describing it, my partner. | ||
| Monroe for Too Close for Comfort? | ||
| She put a strap-on on you, bro. | ||
| We were watching As Good As It Gets last night and Greg Kinnear. | ||
| I hated that movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| I love it. | ||
| The movie made me angry. | ||
| What part made you the angriest? | ||
| Because he's a racist and they're going to fix it with a pill. | ||
| Oh, right, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so stupid. | |
| It was so fucking stupid. | ||
| She seemed like this really sweet woman who had a kid and Jack Nicholson was this old cunt and that's as good as it gets? | ||
| What kind of fucking message is that for people? | ||
| Like, this is so stupid. | ||
| I never thought of it that way. | ||
| And the writing was so dumb. | ||
| I was like, oh, you're gonna fix his racism with a pill? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That is so stupid. | ||
| Like, oh, I'm all better now. | ||
| I don't hate spics. | ||
| Like, fuck off. | ||
| Fucking stupid movie. | ||
| I hated that movie. | ||
| Like, this poor lady, she seems so nice. | ||
| Like, maybe find a nice guy who's sweet to you. | ||
| I never thought of it that way. | ||
| She just settles for this old, shitty, racist creepo who needs to take drugs to make him somewhat normal. | ||
| Yeah, he takes drugs to make him not a racist. | ||
| It's the stupidest idea ever. | ||
| And he kind of manipulates her by sending the doctor over to care for her child. | ||
| She has no money. | ||
| As good as it gets. | ||
| This is not as good as it gets. | ||
| Hang in there, sweetie. | ||
| You can get better. | ||
| You can do a lot better. | ||
| That was pre-Tinder. | ||
| Jack Nicholson, though. | ||
| She couldn't swipe right. | ||
| She could not swipe, no. | ||
| There was no swiping back then, bro. | ||
| You just gotta find some other nice dad, and your kid gets along with their kid, and you have another fucking Brady Bunch type deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's right. | ||
| He could have done that. | ||
| This is the story of a man named Brady. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Alice just died, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's alive still? | ||
| Dad died of AIDS, right? | ||
| That was bananas, right? | ||
| When you found out the dad was actually taken in the keister. | ||
| Had no idea. | ||
| Oh, so anyway, Greg Kinnear's character, his parents disown him because he's gay. | ||
| And last night, Tom was like, can you believe this shit? | ||
| This is like, what, 20 years ago? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was considered a thing, that you would disown your child. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It probably still is a thing. | ||
| Oh, yes, it is. | ||
| But I'm saying it's way less. | ||
| Like Kansas and shit? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| South Dakota, they fucking kill you. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They kill you. | ||
| They hunt you. | ||
| Fuck you, Rogan. | ||
| We're normal now. | ||
| We have the internet. | ||
| I'm kidding, folks. | ||
| I run out of things to say. | ||
| I freeball. | ||
| They bow hunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The queers. | ||
| The bow hunting queers? | ||
| Is that what you guys do? | ||
| The hunting? | ||
| Hunt the gays? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| The gays aren't edible. | ||
| They're I was reading this thing about cannibals. | ||
| It's a weird thing to say, right? | ||
| I guess you had to dance around. | ||
| You couldn't be like, this is my boyfriend, my girlfriend. | ||
| No, it was his wife. | ||
| He was calling her his partner. | ||
| People are so fucked up. | ||
| Well, I must think that a guy like that is so programmed by liberal sensibilities that he wants to put her on equal ground. | ||
| It's not my wife. | ||
| I don't own her. | ||
| She's my partner. | ||
| We're in this together. | ||
| Totally drinking the Kool-Aid. | ||
| All these bitch-made men. | ||
| There's so many just bitch-made men out there that just wearing slippery shoes and walking around with tight pants on. | ||
| They can't take a punch. | ||
| They're just barely getting through life. | ||
| Let's talk about this. | ||
| Barely men. | ||
| They're barely men. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's so funny because Tommy yesterday, he goes, you know what, Christina? | ||
| You're like a 1930s man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I'm so... | |
| A cigar in a corner of your mouth reading the paper, these fucking faggots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, because I'm a little traditional. | ||
| I actually am very traditional about this kind of stuff. | ||
| Look, the truth of it is, the fucking guy wearing the string bracelets and the thumb ring and the ponytail and your chakra alignment and the reiki, that's just a fucking thing for him to get laid. | ||
| At the end of the day, he's just trying to convince you to fuck him. | ||
| Well, he's just trying to play the spiritual angle. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's his game. | ||
| Well, this is what I was saying on stage last night. | ||
| You know, I did Jeremiah Watkins show. | ||
| You ever do that show? | ||
| No, I have to. | ||
| I hear it so fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking amazing. | |
| Stand up on the spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just make up things. | ||
| People yell things out at you. | ||
| But one of the things I was saying, we were talking about male feminists. | ||
| Somehow the subject came up. | ||
| And I was saying, if you could give any one of those guys a pill, they would turn them into that Thor dude, that Chris Helmsworth dude. | ||
| They would all take it! | ||
| Thor, the most powerful. | ||
| 100% of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then they would just be themselves. | ||
| They wouldn't have to, like, I was talking about this tweet that I read that literally made me want to punch my fist through the fucking laptop. | ||
| This guy said, I'm not calling myself a feminist until women tell me I'm doing feminism correctly. | ||
| Like, he's just like literally cutting off his dick and offering it on a platter. | ||
| I don't need this. | ||
| I'm not about that. | ||
| I'm spiritual. | ||
| Well, and here's the truth of, I mean, at least for me, I appreciate when a man is down for the cause. | ||
| Like, I get that. | ||
| But it's not sexually, it's not attractive to date a guy that's like a girl. | ||
| For me, personally. | ||
| I like men. | ||
| Sexist. | ||
| Totally, 100%. | ||
| Are you sexist? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| I don't know what I am. | ||
| It's okay to grow and be sexist. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I feel like it's okay for a girl to want traditional gender roles. | ||
| It's very suppressive if a guy wants them. | ||
| That's the thought process. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, because we have the option to be the stay-at-home mom or the career lady. | ||
| But if you want a guy to be a man, that's okay. | ||
| But if a man... | ||
| I like a woman who just shuts the fuck up and lets me bang her. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| People are like, what? | ||
| Right, you're considered a piece of shit. | ||
| But a girl can say, I like a guy who just grabs me by my hair and fucks my mouth. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you're like, whoa. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, she's so empowered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| Wow, there's a lady that, she's not slut-shamed. | ||
| Yeah, she could be herself. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think all of our issues stem, the real issue, all of our issues stem from actual sexism, actual discrimination. | ||
| If we didn't have that, if we just had people judged on the merits of their behavior and their character and what they're capable of... | ||
| That's one of the things about the stand-up comedy world. | ||
| Maybe audience members, you would be able to tell much more than I would. | ||
| I definitely think that some guys see a girl go up and they go, oh, what is she funny? | ||
| That was the whole environment I came up in. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Arms folded. | ||
| Who the fuck is this girl going to be funny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| How long is she up for? | ||
| 15 minutes? | ||
| Maybe I should take a piss. | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to the bar. | |
| But in the world of comics, it's very egalitarian. | ||
| If you kill, you're a comic, right? | ||
| Nobody in the comedy world looks at Ally Wong as a girl. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| She's just a comic. | ||
| She happens to be a girl, but she's just a killer, right? | ||
| That's how everybody looks at her. | ||
| There's like... | ||
| There's like a level of the video game that you get to where you slot into, oh, this is a peer. | ||
| She's a killer. | ||
| And that's an interesting thing about the world of comedy. | ||
| When you're a killer, people think of you as a killer. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you have a vagina or a penis, if you're gay, if you're straight, if you're murdering it, you're in that group. | ||
| Right, it's the great leveler, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's very true. | ||
| Yeah, because nobody can hold your hand for you once you get up there. | ||
| No, no, and it's a very ballsy thing to do, and either you fail and you fail hard, or you succeed and you succeed hard. | ||
| There's no middle ground. | ||
| But I definitely think women have a way harder go at it, because I think that sexual topics, you either are the slut, like you were saying before, or they're weird. | ||
| Because if you're just a regular woman and you're talking to these strangers about how you like your asshole licked and you're really embarrassed about it, people are like, what the fuck? | ||
| And girls will get mad at you. | ||
| If you're attractive, girls will get mad at you because their husband's laughing. | ||
| You think that's funny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's gross. | |
| She's disgusting. | ||
| And then politics are almost off level. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| People will get mad at you. | ||
| They will get mad at you if you're a Trump supporter and you're a woman and you're on stage and there's a bunch of people in the audience that are liberals, they'll get mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forget it. | |
| If you're a liberal on stage and there's Trump supporters in the audience and you start shitting on Trump, they'll get mad at you. | ||
| Stick to the jokes. | ||
| Stop with the politics. | ||
| Stick to the jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what I've noticed is that, at least, here's my thing. | ||
| I have hope for the millennials. | ||
| I think they're changing how comedy is consumed, the podcasting world, its millennials, the early adapters. | ||
| Sarah Silverman Lisa Lampanelli all these motherfucking bad bitches So now when the millennial comes to a show that 20 year old boy doesn't have the same bias that the men who I started in front of Had you know what I mean? | ||
| It's a given that a woman is a comic now. | ||
| It's way cooler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's way different but don't you think there's I'd like to think... | |
| I'm not a millennial, but I'd like to think there's less sexism. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No... | ||
| It's less accepted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, when I started featuring, I literally called the club in the Midwest, and I was on Chelsea lately. | ||
| I go, hey, can I do your room? | ||
| Can I headline? | ||
| Or even just feature. | ||
| No, feature. | ||
| Well, you know, Christine and I have already booked two women this year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole year. | ||
| The whole year, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| We're done. | ||
| 52 weeks, 50 of them. | ||
| Yeah, and I was like, wow, I'm never going to do your fucking club again. | ||
| But, you know, I heard shit like that the whole time coming up. | ||
| We already booked two women. | ||
| Imagine if that was with a guy. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Imagine if guys, it was that hard to get into comedy. | ||
| I already booked two dudes. | ||
| We only have so many swinging dicks. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But again, with that feminism shit, I try not to look at the problems of the world. | ||
| I try to fucking transcend it. | ||
| I used to be so much angrier at feminism and all this shit when I was in my 30s. | ||
| And now I'm just like, you know what? | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| I don't care what society wants me to be or what the fucking rules are. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Life is too short for me to even worry about what this person thinks or society is thinking. | ||
| Well, I think that what you're seeing on college campuses where people are super radical, left-wing, progressive, and I think you're seeing that with young people as well. | ||
| I think people are just trying to work out the world. | ||
| And sometimes they work out the world by assuming some sort of a behavior pattern. | ||
| And that behavior pattern could be right-wing or it could be left-wing. | ||
| I mean, it could be feminist. | ||
| It could be, you know, whatever. | ||
| They could be genderqueer. | ||
| They'll try that out for a while. | ||
| I'm going to shave half my head and wear a nose ring. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Say fuck cisgendered men, and they're like, people get weird. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And they just assume these patterns and try them out for a while, almost like dressing punk rock, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Start wearing Doc Martens and rolling your jeans up, you know? | ||
| Oh, I love that time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was really good at that. | ||
| Did you do that? | ||
| That was my lane. | ||
| I was punk as fuck, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Were you? | |
| Goth and punk for real. | ||
| Any weird piercings in the face? | ||
| Did you do the nose or the lips? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, the jeans. | |
| No, I was too sensible, because I knew that I'd have a hole in my face. | ||
| Ooh, you're always sensible. | ||
| I was so controlled, yeah. | ||
| I only have one shitty tattoo. | ||
| I got a tramp stamp in the 90s on road rules. | ||
| Do you think that control thing was because your mom was nuts? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My world was out of control, so I was like, I have to be responsible. | ||
| I was the one that was responsible from the time I was, you know, a little, little kid. | ||
| I grew up fast. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| The parentified child, as they say. | ||
| You find that a lot. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I have this dilemma. | ||
| I've talked about this with Brian Callan and a lot of my friends that are dads. | ||
| It's like, all my interesting friends came from fucked up childhoods. | ||
| But I don't want that for my kids. | ||
| No. | ||
| Right, so what is that? | ||
| All my favorite people came from fucked up childhoods. | ||
| Game recognized game, son. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah, but it's because your wires or whatever crossed a certain way, same way, similarly. | ||
| But you don't want to fuck up your... | ||
| I have the same dilemma, believe me. | ||
| I don't want my son... | ||
| Then again, I'd be super thrilled if my son grew up and was like, I'd love... | ||
| I'm going to be an accountant. | ||
| I'm just going to be normal. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I don't want him to be in show business. | ||
| Like, this is craziness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This business is not for normal people. | ||
| Especially the avenue that you've carved. | ||
| Stand up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean, you two? | ||
| Yeah, we've carved. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's bananas. | ||
| And I was just, I mean, when I look back on who we started with like 14 years ago and the attrition rate, I mean, there's no reason. | ||
| It's just bananas that we can even make a living at this. | ||
| Like, there's no reason I should be. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Well, it's one thing that, you know, you start off and you suck, and you keep working at it, and you suck less, and then you start getting laughs, and then you start doing better, and then you start working, and then you keep building, and you keep moving, as long as you keep moving. | ||
| And sometimes you'll have some setbacks, like probably you when you were doing Chelsea lately, and me when I was doing news radio, and, you know, and you just... | ||
| If you can get back on the horse, get back moving, you can pick it up and next thing you know, you got a motherfucking Netflix special! | ||
| Oh shit, it's out right now! | ||
| Oh shit, right there! | ||
| Mother Inferior! | ||
| It's available right now! | ||
| And we'll wrap it up with this. | ||
| Mother Inferior, available for streaming. | ||
| Screaming and streaming. | ||
| Both. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Christina Pazitsky, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And make sure you watch and listen to Your Mom's House. | ||
| Fantastic podcast. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And let's do this more often. | ||
| Thank you so much for having me. | ||
| My pleasure, my friend. | ||
| Super fun. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I enjoyed it, too. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye! | |
| Bye! |
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