Sept. 4, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
04:04:45
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Have you had him on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Wheeler? | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| I had my punch drunk. | ||
| And we're live. | ||
| You can't tell everybody. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People get mad when they find out Wheeler's real name. | |
| We had a conversation, me and him, and then in the middle he goes, Hey, this is Ben talking. | ||
| He might be going crazy. | ||
| But I know that guy too. | ||
| Yeah, I know both of them. | ||
| They're different dudes. | ||
| Yeah, they are different dudes. | ||
| He comes on my podcast as Wheeler. | ||
| He's different than when he came on the podcast as the other fella. | ||
| I don't want to say the name. | ||
| He's been doing these promos where he does voice over a famous person. | ||
| so it's like Garth Brooks talking and he talks over he's like hey it's me Garth my private jet I hate regular people so I fly like this I love Pull it up it's so fucking funny I put it on my Instagram Tommy you showed me the video he did It's Garth Brooks here. | ||
| I want to tell you about my new favorite record. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called Old Wheeler by Wheeler Walker Jr. I love blasting it here on my private jet. | |
| I don't fly commercial anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's always a bunch of dumb crackers who want my autograph and want me to sing Low Places with them. | |
| Fuck them. | ||
| I like being by myself. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ain't got enough dick to go around. | |
| That's the song I like. | ||
| You know, I sing that a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at my dick. | |
| So I'll see you guys later. | ||
| I'm Garth Brooks. | ||
| I'm fat. | ||
| I'm Garth Brooks, I'm fat! | ||
| At the bottom it says it's been retweeted by Garth Brooks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Garth Brooks didn't retweet it! | |
| That's him retweeting from Garth's account. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I ain't got enough dick to go over it. | |
| When he makes that motion with his face, he's like... | ||
| This is a call to Garth Brooks. | ||
| This is a call to find out how cool you are. | ||
| You should retweet that. | ||
| That shit is hilarious. | ||
| You should definitely retweet that shit. | ||
| Repost that on Instagram, Garth. | ||
| That shit's hilarious. | ||
| And I'm a Garth Brooks fan. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what anybody says. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| We got friends in low places? | ||
| If that comes on, you don't get excited? | ||
| No, man, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's alright. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I listen in bar jam. | ||
| I'll listen to Country Boy Can't Survive. | ||
| I'll get fired up for that. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| I'll get fired up for that. | ||
| That's complete next level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, that's not Garth Brooks. | |
| No, I'm making a point there. | ||
| I'll get excited about that. | ||
| That's a good song. | ||
| That's a killer song. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it is, dude. | ||
| When that song comes on, I want to fucking be in a pickup. | ||
| I want to drink beer. | ||
| I want to have a dip in. | ||
| I want to shoot somebody. | ||
| Hank Williams Jr., motherfucker. | ||
| That song is fantastic. | ||
| That was Matt Hughes' walkout song. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| I had a fight for that. | ||
| Country Boy Can't Survive. | ||
| It's a great song. | ||
| That's a great walkout song, too. | ||
| That might be the best walkout song ever. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's Raining Men. | ||
| Who did that? | ||
| Me, if I ever fight. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Mickey Gulls might be the best. | ||
| He comes out to a moment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Mickey, you're so fine. | |
| You're so fine. | ||
| That might be the best. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| To not take it seriously at all. | ||
| Legitimately hilarious that he comes out to that. | ||
| And he's a beautiful man. | ||
| Did he wear weird shit? | ||
| Like different pink stuff? | ||
| Someone did, right? | ||
| A bunch of guys have. | ||
| But I went to a fight once where some dude came out in a tutu or some shit. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, he was wearing something girly and everybody was like... | ||
| He better win this shit, too. | ||
| Something like, I don't know, like a skirt or some shit. | ||
| The Pride Days, they did that. | ||
| They dressed like Lil Bo Peep? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they walked up down the aisle, whatever? | ||
| Well, there was one dude who fought in K-1 who was a famous cross-dresser in Japan, and he was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He wasn't necessarily a constant cross-dresser. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But occasionally he would dress up like a schoolgirl. | ||
| Yeah, it was cool. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| And this dude beat the fuck out of some people who underestimated him because he dressed up like a schoolgirl. | ||
| Seems like you can find that story. | ||
| Schoolgirl? | ||
| I remember it in like flashes. | ||
| He was a little more peep if I remember. | ||
| With an umbrella? | ||
| That's ballsy as shit though. | ||
| I was like, Japan, they go crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he did some weird shit where he dressed up like a female anime character or something. | ||
| I can't really remember entirely how the story went down. | ||
| But I remember he could fight. | ||
| And it was, like, super confusing for people. | ||
| Because he was knocking dudes dead. | ||
| And, you know, in the part-time he dresses up like a schoolgirl or whatever the fuck the outfit is. | ||
| That's the most psycho move you could do. | ||
| You guys UFC fight in a girl outfit. | ||
| Just do that. | ||
| I'm gonna fight you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, come out with pigtails and shit, and just fuck somebody's world up. | ||
| And then lick your lollipop on the way out. | ||
| That's like, that would be like, the fucking Brutus the Barber beefcake shit. | ||
| That would be some next level mind game shit, like you're past all the aggression. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| I'm pretending I'm a girl. | ||
| I'm gonna fuck you up, and I'm gonna pretend I'm a girl up until the moment I fuck you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's the polar opposite of what other dudes go for. | ||
| If you could pull that off, you'd be so relaxed in a fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you could figure out how to act like a girl in front of a dude who's ready to beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| If they had an out-of-the-closet queenie gay in the UFC, but was super well-trained, that'd be the best. | ||
| That would be the best! | ||
| It's totally possible. | ||
| The post-fight interviews would be amazing. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's completely... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| Why isn't there that? | ||
| It's completely possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Completely possible. | ||
| You're putting a call out to the universe right now for it. | ||
| Start training, queens! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You just gotta get a super queen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Some, like, queen who's built like Czech Congo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| Just there to fuck people up, man. | ||
| Just there to smash people and get them to suck their dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shut up. | |
| This is the Japanese guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Another little people umbrella. | ||
| UFC 94. Oh, no, no. | ||
| This is, uh, isn't this Ono? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is this the one you saw, Tom? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, it's Gono. | ||
| Gono, he was in Pride, though. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is the UFC fight where he came and dressed like a girl, yeah. | ||
| Did a choreographed dance? | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Is this the one you're thinking of, or are you thinking about the Japanese guy? | ||
| No, the Japanese one, but this one I remember now. | ||
| He did a choreographed dance. | ||
| I forgot about this completely. | ||
| Did he win? | ||
| Jamie, this is a strong pull. | ||
| Strong selection by young Jamie. | ||
| He was good, right? | ||
| Dude, I don't remember this at all. | ||
| Did he win this fight? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I don't remember who Gono fought. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait. | |
| Well, if you just go further. | ||
| It's a fan video. | ||
| Oh, it's a fan video. | ||
| Akihiro Gono. | ||
| Yeah, he was like, uh... | ||
| Man, I think he was in Shudo. | ||
| He was definitely a Japanese star. | ||
| A lot of those guys, by the time they came to the United States, they had already been in so many wars. | ||
| They just weren't the same anymore. | ||
| Like Gomi. | ||
| Gomi wasn't the same anymore. | ||
| Sakurai wasn't the same anymore. | ||
| He's got heels on. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's a good move, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| I'd like to be one of the side bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think they're well, well trained, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I think that's probably his fight team or something. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was saying, I guess, at the time of that fight. | ||
| That's Gono. | ||
| That's Gono. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Akihiro Gono. | ||
| I like this dude checking him out. | ||
| It would help you relax. | ||
| He's biting his neck over here. | ||
| Oh yeah, I know that guy. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| It's probably seriously a good idea. | ||
| Hey man, you gotta take your dress off. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Take your heels off too. | ||
| He fought John Fitch. | ||
| I do not think he won. | ||
| I think he got beat down. | ||
| John Fitch had a super long win streak right around then. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I think that was before John fought GSP for the title. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he tied the record for most wins and they hadn't given him a title shot and like, oh, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Is that who he's fighting on that card? | ||
| Is it John Fitch? | ||
| I was looking and then I came across this other entrance. | ||
| Is this him again? | ||
| I wonder what year this was. | ||
| I'm trying to remember when the UFC brought back the 155-pound title. | ||
| Because for a long time, 170 was the lightest weight you could fight. | ||
| You've got to give this dude credit for his entrances. | ||
| There's a lot of thought put into this. | ||
| He obviously does a lot of work behind it. | ||
| Mayhem Miller had a great one once. | ||
| He had a bunch of dancers behind him and shit. | ||
| He had a whole choreographed entrance when he fought in Pride. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I thought Mayweather was so ridiculous. | ||
| He always had ridiculous entrances. | ||
| I don't know what was up with his ski mask. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| He's stealing money? | ||
| Anybody who ever questions whether or not Mayhem was a good fighter? | ||
| Because, you know, Mayhem had some hard times. | ||
| Getting a little nutty lately. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you go back to when Mayhem fought Sakurai. | ||
| No, not Sakurai. | ||
| Sakuraba in Pride. | ||
| Dude, he smashed Sakuraba. | ||
| Smashed him. | ||
| Went right through him and submitted him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Woo! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pull it up, Jamie. | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| It's a very impressive fight. | ||
| What's the one he lost in disqualification? | ||
| Mayhem? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the UFC or where? | ||
| No, Pride. | ||
| In Pride? | ||
| Did he lose one by disqualification? | ||
| Boy, I don't remember that. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| It was like on his record. | ||
| This is his dream, man. | ||
| Oh, this was dream. | ||
| This wasn't pride. | ||
| Oh, wow, that's great. | ||
| A bunch of schoolgirls and outfits and ties and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Asian schoolgirls. | |
| Come on, how do you not love this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hilarious. | |
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| You know, Mayhem's had some tough times, but he's always been cool to me. | ||
| I like that guy. | ||
| I like him a lot. | ||
| I see him. | ||
| He comes out to my shows when I do Irvine. | ||
| He's a good man. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I mean, he's got some problems and, you know, he was always... | ||
| He's always an extraordinarily nutty dude. | ||
| He did the MTV show for a while, right? | ||
| By the way, I ended up binge-watching that one day and watching dudes fuck up guys who don't know how to fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Believe me, that was amazing. | |
| Dude, you know what? | ||
| I remember one time, when we were in Australia for fights years ago, Rampage was there and I guess those two are good friends. | ||
| So I was going from like different areas in like this mini group with Rampage and every time somebody wanted a picture with him, they put their arm around his shoulder and every time he would throw their arm off. | ||
| And he's like, get your fucking arm off me. | ||
| And they were like, okay, then they'd be like scared for their picture like, huh, like that. | ||
| So we're going like... | ||
| Get your fucking arm off me. | ||
| That was Rampage? | ||
| That was Rampage, yeah. | ||
| By the way, I let people pinch my nipples in pictures with me. | ||
| Rampage doesn't plug, dude. | ||
| So I'm sitting like, so I've witnessed that like ten times, and then we moved to like some bar somewhere, and it's, you know, there's like, I don't know if it's like roped off, people over here, there's a lot of people in the place, but it's like a small group like this, and Rampage is here, and Mayhem comes up, and I don't know that they know each other, I don't know the relationship, and he immediately grabs him by the throat, like Mayhem, and he goes like, ah! | ||
| I'm gonna fucking kill you! | ||
| But for a split second, I saw, like, all this just split, like, violence come into Randall's eyes. | ||
| Like, he was about to fucking murder someone. | ||
| And then I saw it disappear. | ||
| He saw him, he was like, you crazy-ass white boy. | ||
| But, like, for a quick second, he turned, like, just to break him in half. | ||
| And I was like, huh! | ||
| It's more terrifying than any fight I've seen, man. | ||
| Rampage is a beast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That cinder block on his shoulders, too. | ||
| That head is so fucking... | ||
| He hit so hard. | ||
| Rampage had some epic fights in Pride, too, before he ever even came to the UFC. He has the all-time greatest slam knockout ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| All-time greatest. | ||
| In the triangle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a triangle. | ||
| Smashes him down to the ground. | ||
| What the fuck was the guy's name? | ||
| But he fought. | ||
| Very good, uh... | ||
| Rampage was in a triangle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ricardo Arona. | ||
| And he stood up. | ||
| He fought Arona. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| And the guy still had his legs around him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just picked him up and then BAM! Yeah, this is like... | |
| Is it here? | ||
| Yeah, this is... | ||
| And knocks him out? | ||
| The dude went for the triangle, but he was elevated. | ||
| And like, watch, go find the video. | ||
| So in the video, he went for the triangle and Rampage elevated, like he lifted him up, and the dude held onto the triangle, which you just can't do. | ||
| You gotta let it go at this point. | ||
| See, when he's up like that, you gotta let go of the triangle. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| And he gets slammed KO'd. | ||
| He's the greatest slam KO ever in the history of sport. | ||
| And he had him around. | ||
| Watch this, look at this. | ||
| It's like a pillow. | ||
| Blam! | ||
| Dude, that is a ferocious slam. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like he headbutted his face. | ||
| Yep, he did. | ||
| And he actually got his eyebrow cut. | ||
| I mean, this dude was just knocked dead. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| On the way down, watch. | ||
| Let go right there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he just got fucking KO-ed. | ||
| This is the worst slam I've ever seen in my life out of all my years of watching fights. | ||
| God. | ||
| Yeah, I've never seen anything. | ||
| Never seen anything more brutal. | ||
| Man, I would love to see him do that to Burt. | ||
| Why Burt? | ||
| Just to see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just to see it. | |
| Burt can't take that kind of impact, man. | ||
| No human can. | ||
| Arona was never the same. | ||
| No more tickets, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real. | |
| Arona was never the same after that fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Never. | ||
| Arona was like a serious contender before that fight. | ||
| Tate slammed me once in that gym that was downtown. | ||
| They had a little Octagon, one of the t-shirt companies. | ||
| The tap out place? | ||
| No, the one that Anderson's manager. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Black House. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, show me what a slam looks like. | ||
| I'll do a light one. | ||
| Yeah, I was out for a long time. | ||
| You were? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Knocked out. | ||
| I mean, like, I couldn't move right. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He picked you up? | ||
| He's like, that's just a light, like, slam. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta learn how to fall before you do that. | ||
| Well, I like how not to. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta kind of, as you're going back, you kind of, like, relax and kind of slap the mat to dissipate some of the energy from the impact. | ||
| Ever watch Judo, guys? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They roll, and as they're rolling back, they slap the mat. | ||
| It's like a big thing. | ||
| Sounds loud as shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it literally helps relieve some of the energy of you hitting the ground. | ||
| It's also like relaxing, knowing how to roll. | ||
| Dude, it saved my ass when I crashed a bike. | ||
| I was doing this scene in this Kevin James movie. | ||
| I haven't ridden a bike since I was a kid. | ||
| I don't know how to ride bikes anymore. | ||
| And in this scene, me and Kevin James are chasing each other, and I'm whipping him with this antenna or something like that, a flag. | ||
| And as I'm hitting him with this stick with the flag, I hit the brakes. | ||
| I hit the front brake. | ||
| It's my left hand. | ||
| I go, woo, over the top. | ||
| I did it like three times. | ||
| Dude, I did it like three times. | ||
| There's a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's ridiculous. | |
| Yeah, it was such a dick movie. | ||
| And Kevin and I have known each other since we were like super early 20s, so it was like really fun, silly. | ||
| When your toes are clipped in. | ||
| Kevin likes shit like that, where you slip, like you don't get good on the bike. | ||
| Anyway, I crashed hardcore. | ||
| There's like a loop reel, if you could see me flying off the bike. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was supposed to be a seam where I crashed. | ||
| You're just pressing the front brake? | ||
| Yeah, if you press the front brake, you're supposed to brake with the rear. | ||
| You're not supposed to brake with the front, but I'm holding the handlebar with my left side, and I'm hitting them like this, and I just hit that fucking thing and go over the top. | ||
| But then you braced yourself for the fall? | ||
| Yeah, but because I'm used to grappling and rolling around a lot, I was fine. | ||
| I just wiped out. | ||
| One time I went all the way over and I had to catch myself on my hands. | ||
| I went over the top. | ||
| I was like, ooh, this one might break some shit. | ||
| So you kept falling? | ||
| Yeah, you fell a couple times? | ||
| Oh yeah, it fell like three fucking times, man. | ||
| Yeah, it fell like three times. | ||
| Oh my god, Joe! | ||
| That was the bad one. | ||
| Joe! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Your face goes into it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, you come right up. | ||
| Oh, your face hits the pavement. | ||
| Shit, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, there's a couple of them. | ||
| That was only one. | ||
| One of them, I went and I flew off to the left and rolled in this, like, grass hillside. | ||
| I, like, wiped hard. | ||
| That was the one they wind up using in the movie. | ||
| Yeah, instead of having a stunt guy. | ||
| They had a stunt guy in a cushion, and he was gonna fly over the handlebars, but I just fucked it up on my own. | ||
| Poor stunt guy's watching you doing it, going, how am I gonna fucking top that? | ||
| No, the stunt guy was badass, actually. | ||
| He took one of those bikes, he actually knew how to ride, and he jumped an entire flight of stairs that leads down to the Boston Common. | ||
| They set up a ramp, and this dude comes whipping around the corner. | ||
| Those dudes are nuts, man. | ||
| My god damn. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| You fuck up there, you're breaking some shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you're going to break some shit. | ||
| They do break shit regularly, man. | ||
| Their whole bodies are just crushed. | ||
| Dude, I could have broke some shit and I was going like three miles an hour or something. | ||
| If you're flying there's another one See I'm trying it Oh, you're really doing that with him? | ||
| Yeah, I'm really beating him. | ||
| Oh, that's the one that I did in Crash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| That was so tense. | ||
| Nothing happened. | ||
| Yeah, nothing happened. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| But, um... | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| Those guys are crazy. | ||
| Yeah, no, I don't want any part of that. | ||
| Those mountain bike dudes that do those... | ||
| You ever see those videos they put on a GoPro on their helmet and they freak you the fuck out? | ||
| They're on the tip of a mountain. | ||
| I don't like that shit. | ||
| And there's death to the right and death to the left. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a real skinny line. | |
| Oh my god, so many of them. | ||
| Why do you get your thrill from that? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Oh, dude, just watching it, I get fucking excited. | ||
| I mean, I'd love to be able to do that shit. | ||
| Like bombing a hill on a skateboard, you ever done that? | ||
| Just going straight down? | ||
| Just bombing a hill. | ||
| I've done it recently, and there is a moment where you're like, oh, this is... | ||
| You can't stop. | ||
| How do you stop it? | ||
| It's called Thrill Hill, right by my house. | ||
| So I have a stick. | ||
| I paddleboard my skateboard. | ||
| No, but it's called Thrill Hill is what me and the girls call it. | ||
| How do you slow yourself down? | ||
| On a skateboard? | ||
| You jump off it and run. | ||
| Longboard? | ||
| No, this is on my shortboard. | ||
| You're doing it on a regular skateboard? | ||
| Because I like the wheels better. | ||
| So I have my stick, and I'm with the girls. | ||
| We're riding back from a party, and I go, hey, let's bomb through a hill. | ||
| And they're like, okay. | ||
| It's an open street? | ||
| Yeah, it's right by their school. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's like back, it's like back, it's like, you know. | ||
| Yeah, but what if? | ||
| No, I'm not going this fast. | ||
| Yeah, this is a video of me doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Look at that guy. | ||
| All right, how do you slow down, Bert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you slow one of these things down? | |
| I don't do this, Joe. | ||
| Okay, but how do you slow one of these things down? | ||
| These guys do it sideways. | ||
| They go sideways. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I jump off and start running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Or in this case... | ||
| What if you're going too fast? | ||
| That's what happened to me. | ||
| Did you eat shit? | ||
| I went flying. | ||
| I was dragging my stick because I didn't realize how steep it was because it's not this steep. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Short sleeves. | ||
| It's still steep enough where... | ||
| Wait, hold on one second. | ||
| You know they do this on open roads like when cars are driving on the roads. | ||
| This kid is a wizard right here. | ||
| This kid is a wizard. | ||
| He's got gloves to pan with blocks. | ||
| For the people listening, we're watching this guy whiz down this hill, like masterfully on a skateboard. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| He's got blocks on his... | ||
| What does it say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Atlas Trucks. | |
| Atlas Trucks, SoCal, Downhill, Longboarding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Fucking A, this guy's a wizard. | ||
| That looks awesome, but one of the reasons why- Sean Woolery is his name. | ||
| Sean Woolery. | ||
| Powerful Sean Woolery. | ||
| One of the reasons why it's so awesome is because the consequences of fucking up are so large. | ||
| There's a split second where you're going- and by the way, this hill is nothing. | ||
| And your girls did this? | ||
| On their bikes. | ||
| Totally doable. | ||
| Bikes are totally fine. | ||
| But on a skateboard- I just assumed I do it on the bike all the time and it's not that aggressive and I start going down this hill and I start picking up speed and I realize oh I just signed a contract that I can't renegotiate. | ||
| I'm going and I have my stick with me so I start dragging my stick and I'm just shredding the stick and then I'm like oh my god I've got a fucking because by the way When I do it, I usually go ahead of them and check the cross street to make sure there's no cars. | ||
| But I'm like, oh fuck, I didn't think this through. | ||
| So I jumped off and ran, blew out a flip-flop, ran out. | ||
| Wait, you had flip-flops on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had flip-flops on. | |
| By the way, flip-flops, no shirt. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| Oh, I would have fucking lit myself up. | ||
| Oh my god, a flip-flop? | ||
| You busted one? | ||
| I blew out the toe of a flip-flop. | ||
| But luckily, I have six pairs of this flip-flop because I love them so much. | ||
| And then you just ran out of it? | ||
| I ran out of it. | ||
| Barefoot? | ||
| Yeah, barefoot. | ||
| And then I was like... | ||
| And by the way, obviously, the rest of the trip home, one flip-flop, stick-shredded, is obviously all uphill. | ||
| So I'm just like, fucking... | ||
| Why did I think... | ||
| But when you're a kid, you do that. | ||
| I did much steeper as a kid, but it's just... | ||
| You didn't think it through, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The problem is that the risk is so fucking monumental. | ||
| The risk is like end of life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck! | |
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Wait, he didn't trailer. | ||
| He gets off perfectly. | ||
| Yeah, that's what you have to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to jump off and run off it. | |
| God damn, that was nasty. | ||
| Dude, when you get out of control like that. | ||
| Speed wobbles. | ||
| Dude, she got wiped. | ||
| The only thing worse than speed wobbles is whiskey throttle. | ||
| Like when it comes to speed, you know what whiskey throttle is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Whiskey throttle is when you punch it and you get scared and your natural reaction is to hold it punched. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's your natural reaction. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| I do that all the time. | ||
| Yeah, when you want to punch it and break, but you're just like, wait, what am I pressing on? | ||
| Are you just going faster? | ||
| Yeah, you're like, why am I stopping? | ||
| Not stopping! | ||
| I'm going! | ||
| We took snowmobiles into a lake one time, and we had this guy Nacho, and he was the first guy to do it, and all they're saying is, when you turn, lean a certain way, and then you'll go the other way. | ||
| And so, okay, none of us have done this. | ||
| They're like, but you've got to keep it fast, and he punches it on the lake, and whiskey throttles it all the way across the lake into a fucking tree. | ||
| Dislocates his shoulder. | ||
| This is the guy showing you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the guy I'm taking on a trip of a lifetime. | |
| On trip flip. | ||
| Dislocates his shoulder. | ||
| This is our first activity! | ||
| And he was like, I couldn't let go. | ||
| It's a whiskey throttle. | ||
| It's more like a mental... | ||
| You panic. | ||
| People have done that with cars, too. | ||
| They think they're hitting the gas. | ||
| Or the brake, rather, and they're hitting the gas. | ||
| Like Eddie Griffin in that Ferrari. | ||
| Oh, he just didn't know how to drive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a million dollar car. | ||
| Yeah, it was like a LaFerrari or Enzo or something. | ||
| I think it was an Enzo. | ||
| Took it right out and smashed it into a wall. | ||
| He smashed it into a wall. | ||
| In a private closed course. | ||
| Crazy ass Eddie Griffin. | ||
| He just did not know how to drive it at all. | ||
| And then he got out and was like, fuck, man. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't good. | ||
| No. | ||
| I had speed wobbles in East Timor going down a highway and being on a really bad road for a while, so I got some good road. | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, I'm going to crank this. | ||
| But we won? | ||
| Like a moped, probably 80 kilometers an hour. | ||
| Oh, that's pretty fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And then hitting a bump, and another one, and then go, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm down, I'm down. | ||
| And then I was just like, I don't know how I managed to save it, but it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Like that lady, when you start the heavy wobbles, you're out of control. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| You overcompensate every shift in until you're done. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I always think riding motorcycles is so much fucking fun because it really allows you to feel truly vulnerable. | ||
| Like, I go in 70 miles per hour on an interstate in a fucking motorcycle. | ||
| There's no sensation. | ||
| I mean, there's no comparable sensation. | ||
| Like, you can stick your head out a window, but it's nothing compared to, like, fucking flying and a car flies by you and you're like... | ||
| I had to race a thunderstorm home. | ||
| Not home, but to where we were staying. | ||
| I had to race a thunderstorm. | ||
| So we get there and lightning starts striking like 10 miles away from us. | ||
| And they're like, we should probably go. | ||
| This is coming on quick. | ||
| And so we're flying, trying to race a thunderstorm home through Crow Nation in, I think, in Montana. | ||
| Dude, fucking flying down the... | ||
| You can open it up there, man. | ||
| It was pretty... | ||
| I wish I could ride a motorcycle. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I would love to do that on Sunday mornings. | ||
| Yeah, like a Harley. | ||
| Like a mountain road somewhere where people drive slow. | ||
| Not here. | ||
| I don't want to do it here, man. | ||
| Lonzo Bowden rides a motorcycle everywhere. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is. | |
| He's weaving between cars. | ||
| He knows how to ride. | ||
| He knows how to ride. | ||
| He's had a few of them. | ||
| He used to have one of those Honda VTEC things. | ||
| I think that's what it was called. | ||
| I think he has that BMW all-world, all-terrain bike now. | ||
| The ones that you see people... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, like a crazy BMW motorcycle. | ||
| They have a competition. | ||
| Whatever the top competition is for those guys, off-road, I think he has that bike. | ||
| He used to have this bike, Alonzo's Garage, off Alonzo Bowden. | ||
| He's got a bunch of motorcycles. | ||
| No kids, ballin'. | ||
| He keeps it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He legit rides tracks. | |
| He's got a bunch of triumphs and shit, but he had this thing a few years back that was a Yamaha. | ||
| I think it was called a V-Max. | ||
| And it was this big, giant cruiser thing. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| It's this crazy motorcycle that he had. | ||
| It's like this stupid, powerful, really big... | ||
| Is it Honda V? No, not Honda. | ||
| Yamaha V-Max? | ||
| I think I know what you're talking about. | ||
| I think Doc from the Dayton Funny Bone had one. | ||
| I might be even saying the name wrong. | ||
| Is that the right name? | ||
| Bowden? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that's a lot of Bowden. | ||
| But I mean, no, no, no. | ||
| No, the V-Max. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying to remember what the fucking motorcycle was. | |
| It was just, I don't know shit about motorcycles. | ||
| If it was a car, I'd be able to remember it perfectly. | ||
| Is it a Yamaha? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| It's some Japanese bike, but it was a giant cruiser, and it had this enormous engine. | ||
| This fucking thing was huge. | ||
| It was really wide, and Alonzo had one. | ||
| And I was like, whoa, dude, you're riding some Tron machine. | ||
| That's a scary twitch muscle in your brain to allow. | ||
| What's your car, Tommy, that Porsche thing? | ||
| We just got a BMW the other day. | ||
| No model? | ||
|
unidentified
|
540. Sounds like a lie. | |
| Not like a 7 Series, not like a tricked out one, not a sport edition, just like a sedan. | ||
| But it's fast as fucking shit. | ||
| Oh, dude, the regular BMWs, like a regular 3 Series BMW, is a better handling sports car than anything of like 30 years ago. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| By far. | ||
| Just a regular one without any modifications, stock. | ||
| Dude, I find myself putting it in sport mode and fucking flying. | ||
| And you told me, you were like, you have no idea I go from Oxnard to LA in 30 minutes. | ||
| Oh, you can really fly, man. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| What is that thing called? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That thing is so big. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Does it say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You gotta find out what the fuck that thing is called. | ||
| Because there's an overhead of them that's even more preposterous. | ||
| What do you mean, overhead? | ||
| The overhead view. | ||
| The thing is like this wide. | ||
| Like, I'm not exaggerating. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
| It's like literally wider than my body, the side of this motorcycle. | ||
| It's enormous. | ||
| That looks nuts. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's essentially like this enormous engine on this super wide, heavy, cruising motorcycle that just has stupendous power. | ||
| Dude, I drove one of those Indian judges. | ||
| Not judge, Indian... | ||
| Chiefs, the big fucking bags and the steering wheels out here. | ||
| I was flying through the Talladega National Forest just the beginning of autumn listening to the Leonard Skinner on my headsets just going, man, where's the whiskey? | ||
| A little bit of applause for doing that would be perfect. | ||
| If you could trust everybody to keep their shit together, it would be awesome to ride a motorcycle, but you can't. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| That's not the same bike. | ||
| You see the pipes are different? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| See how it has these massive pipes? | ||
| See that thing? | ||
| That thing is gigantic. | ||
| It's a huge three-cylinder engine. | ||
| By the way, those things get fucking hot as shit. | ||
| Because you have an engine in between your legs. | ||
| The first time I drove one, it burns. | ||
| First time I rode one, I was like, I think I don't have something unlocked because it's hot as fucking crap. | ||
| That's the bike. | ||
| Rocket 3. Is that it? | ||
| Yeah, 800 plus pounds. | ||
| Super heavyweight. | ||
| The Triumph Rocket 3. Oh, is that it? | ||
| So that's not the same one as the other one? | ||
| Or is it? | ||
| No, that's different. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| That's the Honda or Yamaha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Triumph. | |
| It says Triumph. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| On the side. | ||
| Top right. | ||
| You're right, it does. | ||
| Alright, I'm wrong. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| See if you can Google Honda VMAX. Do you want me to text Alonzo? | ||
| Yeah, because now I'm looking at it. | ||
| Yeah, text Alonzo. | ||
| It looks different. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Give me an image on that thing. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Yamaha VMAX. I think that's it. | ||
| That's pretty wild, man. | ||
| I'm so bad at motorcycles. | ||
| I can just call him real quick. | ||
| We can find out right now. | ||
| I think, yeah, please do call him because this is getting boring for people just listening and trying to figure out what the... | ||
| What are the odds that Alonzo has the same number from when I got it? | ||
| Hi, this is Alonzo. | ||
| Leave a message and I'll call you. | ||
| It might be Alonzo morning. | ||
| Sounds like a fair deal, right? | ||
| Sounds like a fair deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, let's go with that. | |
| Alonzo, that is the worst voicemail message I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| Alonzo, it's Bert. | ||
| I'm with Joe. | ||
| Joe has a question about the bike you have. | ||
| Hey, Alonzo, you used to have some crazy... | ||
| Was it a Yamaha VMAX? Am I correct? | ||
| Is that the crazy bike you had? | ||
| You had some crazy, large, touring, super powerful Japanese bike. | ||
| Or maybe my memory is shit from all the years of marijuana. | ||
| Call us back. | ||
| It might have just been his dick. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Supercharged. | |
| You were in the bathroom and you're like, that's a big motorcycle. | ||
| That's a big motorcycle. | ||
| Chromed up. | ||
| Spitting fire. | ||
| I could get into sports car shit, motorcycles. | ||
| I could. | ||
| Yeah, I could get into these things for sure. | ||
| I ride a bicycle around. | ||
| I think I'm wrong. | ||
| I think I'm conflating this with another bike. | ||
| I think the other bike was an even crazier bike than this. | ||
| I think this town is terrifying to ride those in, though. | ||
| It was some big-ass touring bike. | ||
| Everybody who drives one here and rides one here is like, it's just crazy. | ||
| Especially with weed smoking in cars. | ||
| People are like, they'll just cut you off. | ||
| They'll fucking... | ||
| And all they see when they drive by is people doing this shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I just constantly see that. | ||
| Constantly see people staring at their phone. | ||
| When you're on a bike, you see it more clearly. | ||
| Oh, dude, you have no idea. | ||
| You see, like, fucking three things ahead of you going, like, this motherfucker's not looking, they're not looking, goddammit, they're gonna pull out. | ||
| It is, it is, and I think, and I'll say this, I'm a very limited motorcycle driver, rider, obviously, but, like, I think that's what makes it enjoyable because you're truly in the moment. | ||
| You're forced to live in the moment. | ||
| You don't think about bills or fucking percentage deals. | ||
| And that's why I want one. | ||
| I want to take it up through the canyons out to Malibu, up Malibu to Neptune's Nest, and then take it home on a Sunday morning when everyone's asleep. | ||
| Except the drunks that are just coming home on Adderall, coked up, shit decisions, screaming at someone on the phone. | ||
| You're going to feel that clarity 90 days sober, which we've got coming up. | ||
| Well, let's talk about this, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Mario, please crack that? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No problem. | |
| Joe, can we make you a cocktail? | ||
| Yes, sure. | ||
| Most certainly. | ||
| I would like to hear what you fellows have been thinking. | ||
| Oh, well, we have a lot of big ideas. | ||
| I think some of us were speaking big when the texas were gone. | ||
| You will die if you go 90 days without drinking. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy peasy. | |
| That's a quote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy peasy. | |
| When is the longest you've ever gone without drinking? | ||
| In hours. | ||
| Well, I did... | ||
| I did 13 years one time. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| What? | ||
| From 1 to 13. Come on. | ||
| Comedy. | ||
| Probably the longest I've ever done, six months. | ||
| Six months when? | ||
| When I met Leanne. | ||
| Why did you go six months? | ||
| Because I wanted to see if I could do it. | ||
| And I did six months, and then we were in Italy, and it was snowing in Venice, and we were having dinner, and I said, this is fucking stupid. | ||
| I want to have a cocktail. | ||
| I want a carpe diem. | ||
| I want to be impulsive right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Leanne looked at me, and she's like, you don't have a drinking problem. | ||
| Just have some wine, and let's go walk around. | ||
| How much can I regret that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Looking back moment. | ||
| Do you want his scotch or a tea and soda? | ||
| I'll have scotch. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Here, take this one. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| We use an ice? | ||
| Do you drink it with ice or no? | ||
| No, I drink it straight. | ||
| Oh, look at you. | ||
| You fucking sophisticated man of travel. | ||
| That's it! | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| Scotch ice. | ||
| God damn it, I'm an idiot. | ||
| I'll take Scotch ice, too. | ||
| I thought for a second it looked like it. | ||
| Dude, I might be making up a fucking crazy motorcycle in my head. | ||
| I don't think I am, though. | ||
| I think there was some weird cruising motorcycle that Alonzo had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| It's driving me fucking nuts. | ||
| But yeah, I did six months and then I started drinking again. | ||
| I think it's good to reset your clock. | ||
| Six months? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You reset your clock? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a reset button. | ||
| So... | ||
| That time you did six months. | ||
| Have you ever done anything comparable since? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've done... | ||
| I can do like a 17-day chunk, but then the road starts back up. | ||
| That's the most I can be off the road. | ||
| What's habitual on the road? | ||
| On the road, I've got to be dead honest with you. | ||
| I remember Tom being like... | ||
| Please don't. | ||
| He's joking. | ||
| He's joking. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| He said I'm going to be totally honest with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please don't. | |
| I thought you were talking about being habitual. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| So I remember Tom one time, I was like, yeah, I went out with the staff and he's like, do you drink every night on the road? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, what do you do? | ||
| And he was like, I go to bed. | ||
| Not that. | ||
| And I was like, wait, how do you do that? | ||
| Because it is difficult for me to go back to a hotel room on the road and just sit there. | ||
| And be like, my night's done, I'm done thinking. | ||
| Yeah, you know what, man? | ||
| I write. | ||
| I try to write after shows. | ||
| I write on stage. | ||
| I feel like you guys are all doing much bigger venues than me, so I'm doing more shows. | ||
| I do not want to hear myself fucking talk or think of anything. | ||
| That's a perfect time to cheer on your wife. | ||
| That's the exact right time for it, if you're going to do that. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| Good point, Ari. | ||
| You could just go over some ideas in your head, and it seems like once you get into it, it's fun. | ||
| That's the thing about writing. | ||
| There's this weird thing where writing kind of tries to... | ||
| It's like your brain starts to think of it as this horrible task, like you have to clean out a latrine or something. | ||
| Your brain starts looking at it like, oh my god, I can't believe I have to do this. | ||
| But if you could just get past that, once you're actually writing, it's really fun. | ||
| There's some weird psychological shit going on with resistance to writing. | ||
| But hold on. | ||
| How about this argument? | ||
| Why argue? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, just this idea. | ||
| I've written my next hour. | ||
| What I'm working on now is finding out... | ||
| So, like, my majority of writing I do now is how do I connect things that are good that don't have a connection? | ||
| And how do I... How do I close a story? | ||
| I'm obsessing with how you end a good story. | ||
| I'm not writing new material for the next hour. | ||
| I'm writing within this hour. | ||
| You don't have to write anything. | ||
| But if you want to write, you should just write. | ||
| One of the beautiful things about writing is that if you don't have a guideline, and you just have an idea, and you just let that idea start spilling out of your head, shit will come out that you didn't expect, and that shit can become more. | ||
| But if you don't sit down and do that, then it doesn't happen. | ||
| You'll have some things that'll happen sometimes. | ||
| You'll have some things that'll happen with friends. | ||
| There's some things that'll happen on stage. | ||
| There's some things that'll happen, but the things that won't happen are the things that happen when you're sitting in front of that computer, because that is individual time Focused only on the idea. | ||
| Not thinking about killing with the crowd, not thinking about making sure that the show closes well and ends well. | ||
| All the bullshit that goes on in your head when you're actually doing a bit or when you're actually performing a set. | ||
| When you sit there alone with a pad or a computer or whatever the fuck you do to write, or even if you just like to do it in a tape recorder, you're thinking About all these ideas in a way that you're not going to do any other way. | ||
| So if you don't do it, I mean you can definitely get by on not doing it. | ||
| I went by on not doing it for a long time. | ||
| But there's a big difference in my act between when I do it and when I don't do it. | ||
| I mean, obviously I write because I have a new hour that I'm taping in February. | ||
| So I do write, but I just... | ||
| But you write, like, do you sit down? | ||
| I do not. | ||
| I wrote a book like that, and it was taxing on me. | ||
| Like, when I wrote my book, sitting down every day at the computer and just typing out an idea, what I do is I get on the treadmill, I have a pad on there, and I will think through a story, or I'll think through a joke, and then I'll... | ||
| It's horrible to read. | ||
| And then I'll take those beats and I'll move them over to my book. | ||
| Well, hey man, any way you're doing it is great. | ||
| I mean, you don't have to do it in a way that you have to sit in front of a computer or have to sit in front of a pad. | ||
| I said if you want to record it, you can just record it by talking into it. | ||
| I'll never listen to that. | ||
| The idea is just anything you're doing. | ||
| The idea is just working and thinking about whatever you're doing. | ||
| And recording it the best way possible. | ||
| For me, the best way possible seems to be a combination of having my phone right there. | ||
| With the notes feature on, with the voice activated, voice, whatever it is, detecting, translating. | ||
| I have that nearby, just in case a real quick one comes into my head, I gotta get it down. | ||
| Because my typing's not the best. | ||
| It's pretty good, but I don't want to miss a beat of how I'm saying something. | ||
| So if I say something into a text, or maybe if it's really important to say it with a certain tone, I'll say it into the memo, the voice memo thing. | ||
| With that tone. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You can listen it right back when you're done. | ||
| Listen it right back and then try to work it into a chunk that you do on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What I do in terms of getting the segues or whatever is I try to do the bits in different orders as much as I can. | ||
| And then instead of opening with the same thing, change what you open with around. | ||
| And then you'll move to a different bit. | ||
| And then also start bits halfway through. | ||
| See, I just got a crew to shoot two shows in Denver on Sunday night. | ||
| So I recorded two different hours in Denver for what I'm working on. | ||
| And then I'll go through those and I'll chunk the bits out. | ||
| And then I already chunk them out in my head. | ||
| I mean, I think we all think probably very differently. | ||
| I think I think more in my head. | ||
| I think I'm a little more obsessive compulsive and I chew on ideas constantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And then I'll find a way to link them. | ||
| Like today on the treadmill, I thought I figured out a way to link this joke about my dad with this dream I had. | ||
| Because I never liked telling jokes about a dream I had. | ||
| Because it's such a, really? | ||
| Did it really happen? | ||
| type thing. | ||
| But it is a funny dream. | ||
| And then on the treadmill, I started figuring it out. | ||
| And then I hop off the treadmill, and I write it down on a piece of paper. | ||
| That's writing, man. | ||
| The time you're spending where you're just thinking about something is writing. | ||
| Some people do it by walking. | ||
| I hear a lot of people say they have some of the best ideas. | ||
| They walk with the voice feature. | ||
| If you do it on a treadmill. | ||
| I'm talking about in the neighborhood. | ||
| Oh, you know, I could do it at like a four. | ||
| I do it at a four for at least 30 minutes with that notepad, and I just write it down. | ||
| Walking for something, I learned in New York, it would trigger the way I thought. | ||
| Yeah, it changes your sights when you look at different things. | ||
| Like a hardware store, it makes your mind wander to something. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I think they try to get you to go outside and do it, like go on a hike. | ||
| And then when you're doing that, those ideas will pop into your head. | ||
| Walking is great for clarity. | ||
| I know a lot of people, they'll write physically, and then they'll think about what they wrote when they go on a walk. | ||
| I had a really good writing session walking through at Target. | ||
| Like just walking up and down the aisles. | ||
| But you get to see people interact. | ||
| And you're allowed to mishear things. | ||
| When I mishear things, those are sometimes the funniest fucking things in the world. | ||
| Well, let's talk about what your current drinking status is. | ||
| Because to get into the approach, can you recap what an average week is like? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay, first of all, this isn't an intervention. | ||
| We're all friends, right? | ||
| We're all right. | ||
| You're about to have interventions for your friends, though. | ||
| I was very nervous about doing this for that very reason. | ||
| I was thinking, okay, did I suggest no booze for 90 days because I didn't think you could possibly do it? | ||
| You suggested it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| By the way, I'll read the chat text because it is funny, and I will say Ari was the best. | ||
| Just read it. | ||
| I want to see how this went down. | ||
| How did it go down? | ||
| I said 90 days, no booze, plus a marathon. | ||
| As a result of the marathon claim. | ||
| By the way, marathon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was like, you thought you were going to be able to do a marathon at the time it took... | ||
| You're so fucking... | ||
| You're getting the treadmill once in a while, you fucking idiot. | ||
| He thought he could do a marathon in the same time it took us to do a podcast. | ||
| We had like a three and a half hour podcast. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he thought he was going to do a marathon. | ||
| That's Kenyans run that shit. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kenyans. | |
| Super skinny dudes who are just ripped to the fucking bone. | ||
| Who've been running every day. | ||
| Flip flops getting off a skateboard. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Such a bad idea. | ||
| Such a bad idea. | ||
| It's just such a delusional perspective on physical fitness. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Like, if you run a five-hour marathon, I'd be super impressed. | ||
| I could do that easy. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Dude, no way! | ||
| You can't run a marathon easy. | ||
| You can't run a marathon easy. | ||
| Can I tell you the one thing? | ||
| You might be able to run a marathon. | ||
| You can't run a marathon easy. | ||
| You're 250 pounds. | ||
| Five hours is easy. | ||
| You know what he said! | ||
| I have a scale. | ||
| Let's put a bet right now on how much I weigh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes, yes! | |
| What did you think you weigh? | ||
| I know I weigh 222 pounds. | ||
| These are just numbers. | ||
| Here's my point. | ||
| I say he looks terrible, but not as bad as he looked before. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| That's a compliment. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You've never run a marathon. | ||
| I have never run a marathon, but I've never run. | ||
| So you can't say I've run a marathon easy, because it's preposterous, right? | ||
| Have you ever run when you're not looking at a TV? Like, off a treadmill? | ||
| I haven't done a street run in a really long time. | ||
| That's so different, though. | ||
| That's a lot of a marathon. | ||
| You're talking fake running. | ||
| You're fake running on a machine that does have to work for you. | ||
| If the machine comes towards you, you just have to lift your legs up. | ||
| I can tell you exactly what would happen in a marathon. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You would hit... | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| What do you think he gets? | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| Before he starts questioning. | ||
| Before he breaks something. | ||
| It'd be right about the halfway point. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I think right around there, he would go, you're right. | ||
| This is a bad idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| By the way, by the way, by the way, let's double up on this. | ||
| Double up on this. | ||
| Let's figure out a drinking bet, and then let's figure out a marathon bet. | ||
| By the way, I just texted with a guy the other day, my buddy Galvin from Cowboys Show, and he's like, if you can run 12 miles, you can definitely run a marathon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no! | |
| That's way longer! | ||
| No way! | ||
| That's because you can. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| The question is, is it easy? | ||
| There's not a fucking chance in the world you saying, I could run a marathon easy is an accurate statement. | ||
| I'd say he can't run a marathon. | ||
| Give me a mileage, a five-hour marathon. | ||
| Bert, it's not an accurate statement. | ||
| It's hard to do. | ||
| When you're 285 pounds and you're out there running on the street... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't hear it. | |
| It's not easy. | ||
| I am an athletic 220. Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| You fucking heard that and got so excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| Dude. | ||
| This all started... | ||
| See, it's hard to do, man. | ||
| It's hard to do, that's why it's called a fucking marathon. | ||
| Wait, you're not even going to concede that it's hard to do? | ||
| It's definitely hard to do. | ||
| So why are you saying that you can do it easy? | ||
| You mean easy, you mean like for sure. | ||
| You mean I can definitely run a marathon. | ||
| That's what you mean by easy, for sure. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| I run every day. | ||
| I run every fucking day. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| You stand in front of your treadmill and the treadmill moves towards you and you lift your legs up. | ||
| You get off and you stop to write stuff. | ||
| It's not running! | ||
| You're lifting your legs up and it's moving towards you. | ||
| And the treadmill keeps going while you're off making a fucking Tito's and Soda. | ||
| All you have to do is not fall. | ||
| And not fall and keep lifting your feet. | ||
| You do a couple miles and you run walk. | ||
| I do run walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fine. | |
| I walk a quarter mile, I run three quarters of a mile. | ||
| A quarter mile? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I like to get my heart rate up and down. | ||
| You want to run a fucking marathon, you walk a quarter... | ||
| I like to get my heart rate up and down. | ||
| Up, walk, run, walk, run, walk. | ||
| Runs a quarter. | ||
| But when you run a quarter, you sprint it, right? | ||
| Run three quarters of a mile, walk a quarter. | ||
| He runs five feet, and then he takes breaks and drinks box wine. | ||
| So this all started. | ||
| He's running a new aluminum man. | ||
| He had a box wine thing set up on his treadmill. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| He was drinking a box of wine while he was running. | ||
| Wait, would your approach to the marathon right now be? | ||
| Just wing it. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| No plan? | ||
| Seems to be a good idea. | ||
| Everyone's doing it that way. | ||
| Maybe I'll Google something online. | ||
| Dude, you need, for your treadmill, you need above you, like a gerbil feeder so you can drink while you're running? | ||
| Something with rubber attached to it? | ||
| This all started because the guy you guys are claiming that is not a runner had a profile written about him on Runner's World. | ||
| Can you see the photos they used? | ||
| That doesn't matter. | ||
| Yeah, I saw the photos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They would write a profile on Ari, too. | |
| Ari would write a profile about how he hates running, but he gets it. | ||
| You're better than him. | ||
| He'll write a whole story about how you are definitely better than him, but I'm still not running. | ||
| In terms of the average marathon times, the median average marathon was 420. I can't do 420. First of all, that's the finishing time, and that's medium. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I couldn't do 420. But dude, these are fucking people that are in really good shape. | |
| That's also taking into account the Boston Marathon, which is super hard. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| You heard me. | ||
| People that are in really good shape, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Marathon running shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These people don't weigh 278. There shouldn't be any pause here. | |
| There shouldn't be pause here and confusion as to whether or not you're in really good shape. | ||
| You should get psychiatric help. | ||
| There's no way in the world you're finishing a marathon. | ||
| You can't say this. | ||
| But hold on, you can't say you're in really good shape. | ||
| Were you attempting to say you're in really good shape? | ||
| Because I'll get super confused. | ||
| I'm going to get my feelings hurt if you say you're in really good shape. | ||
| Go. | ||
| I am in good shape. | ||
| No way! | ||
| I'm in good shape. | ||
| Let's just put the parameters down and then just pretend you think I'm not lying right now. | ||
| You have a very low bar. | ||
| I run five miles a day. | ||
| On the thing that's moving towards you and you lift your feet up. | ||
| I agree on that. | ||
| I agree on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every day? | |
| And I'll tell you what, I'll go out and I'll run five in the road and if I notice a big difference, I will say... | ||
| Seven days a week? | ||
| Hey, listen, Bert, I'm not in really good shape. | ||
| I'm not in really good shape. | ||
| Five miles? | ||
| I'm in decent shape. | ||
| And I work out a lot. | ||
| Like, crazy hard. | ||
| I do ruthless shit. | ||
| And I wouldn't say... | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I know actual people that are in really good shape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, that I'm not in really good shape. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Listen, I'm willing to move my... | ||
| That's an important thing when you're discussing all these possibilities. | ||
| Maybe it's just like the... | ||
| Marathon's being easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's relative. | |
| I ran a 5k drunk one time and beat half of the fucking field. | ||
| What's your run with? | ||
| Doug Stanhope and Chaley? | ||
| Me and Matt Fultron, we thought it was a pub crawl. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You told me about this. | ||
| But I beat half of the fucking field. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, those are the same people that would run a marathon. | |
| But you gotta stop people. | ||
| Take a drink. | ||
| Yeah, and they came there for a radio station pub crawl. | ||
| How many of them are actually elite athletes? | ||
| It wasn't a pub crawl. | ||
| It was an actual 5K that I thought was a pub crawl, so I drank five beers before it thinking we would be getting buzzed, and it was a fucking 5K, and I beat half the fucking people. | ||
| Okay, can I say something about it? | ||
| But that is three miles. | ||
| It's over three miles, I mean, because I'm a runner, I know these things. | ||
| When you say you're in good shape, literally, the shape of you is bad. | ||
| I'll take away. | ||
| We're all going to have different versions of what we think good shape is. | ||
| Well, you can't have a low bar when you're talking about reality. | ||
| You're not allowed a low bar when you talk about things like shape. | ||
| I cannot run. | ||
| By the way, I could run... | ||
| I just got off the treadmill this morning. | ||
| I was like, maybe I should take a video and show them what I'm running. | ||
| You passed out drunk there. | ||
| And granted, it's a treadmill. | ||
| It's not trails. | ||
| How much did you run this morning? | ||
| I ran three miles this morning because we had to drain our pool. | ||
| There's no benefit whatsoever to exaggerating fitness levels. | ||
| I will be 100% level. | ||
| But there's an ego issue when people do it. | ||
| And you just can't do it. | ||
| You can't say I'm in great shape. | ||
| There's no fucking way you're in great shape. | ||
| It's literally not possible. | ||
| But you are in good shape for somebody that's in terrible shape. | ||
| I'll agree with that. | ||
| And the other thing is, you do stuff. | ||
| You're active. | ||
| You definitely do stuff. | ||
| But if we could get you to do those things and not drink, you would be an immeasurably healthier person. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Do you think that that would be something that you would want to do? | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| When's that from? | ||
| Is that Bert in shape? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're still... | ||
| You're in decent shape there. | ||
| You're pretty fit there. | ||
| Wait, but I think... | ||
| That's 217. You look pretty fit there, man. | ||
| I'm 222 today. | ||
| Hey, man, that's like Fedor in his prime. | ||
| Yeah, I'll buy it. | ||
| For real. | ||
| No, he looks very fit there. | ||
| He looks strong, too. | ||
| I was 217, 215. That's a different... | ||
| That's 265. That's the roundest of the belly. | ||
| That's 384 pounds. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| That's 280 at least. | ||
| Come clean. | ||
| I like how your hair there forms an equator around your belly. | ||
| Come clean, son. | ||
| Were you in denial? | ||
| How often did your dick just flop out? | ||
| Could you weigh yourself at the doctor, or did they have to bring in other scales in order to get all of you? | ||
| Do you feel badly looking at this picture? | ||
| Did you velcro the top of your pants into your pubic hair? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| How the fuck is your pants staying up? | ||
| Oh, hey, pull up a picture of Tom, why don't we? | ||
| Tom never got that big. | ||
| He got bigger, Joe. | ||
| He never got a belly like that, bro. | ||
| He got bigger because he's 5'9". | ||
| Yes, he's an under six footer. | ||
| But that's cirrhosis of the liver for sure, right? | ||
| No, it's only affecting the gut. | ||
| Is there an over under on you right now? | ||
| Because I say 54. Wow, how rude. | ||
| There's no way he'll last until 54. Tom doesn't look bad there. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| It does not look good there. | ||
| He does not look good. | ||
| He looks better there. | ||
| No, really? | ||
| He looks better than the other one? | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| Maybe it's the beard, but I do think so. | ||
| Well, if he had a beard there, his head would be twice as large. | ||
| Yeah, that's unhealthy. | ||
| Sweaty. | ||
| Yeah, but how about this? | ||
| Look at him now. | ||
| Slim, slim, healthy. | ||
| 180 pounds? | ||
| Yeah, I guess like 195. Oh, this is killing me. | ||
| This is making me regret ever texting you guys that article. | ||
| You were so proud. | ||
| You said you could run a marathon. | ||
| You said you'd beat me and Tom on a marathon. | ||
| That's obviously one bet. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| That's obviously one bet. | ||
| Wait, let's set up one thing. | ||
| Because here's the deal. | ||
| I do run every single day. | ||
| Not every single day. | ||
| I probably run five, four times a week. | ||
| I'm running no less than five miles on a day like today is a little bit of a difference. | ||
| Wait, let me ask you something. | ||
| Shoot. | ||
| When are you proposing that the marathon take place? | ||
| Let's just go from here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's important. | |
| That's important. | ||
| That's an important thing. | ||
| She just puts her shirts on and go. | ||
| That's an important thing to decide. | ||
| When are you proposing? | ||
| A year from Tuesday. | ||
| A year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| I am sweating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're getting nervous. | |
| First of all, I need you to back me up a tad bit. | ||
| We used to run every... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm in great shape. | |
| I've always conceded that you are a great natural runner for a fat guy. | ||
| You're the two and a half men of human shape. | ||
| You have good endurance running. | ||
| Hey, you have a natural... | ||
| Stride. | ||
| No. | ||
| A natural advantage in this... | ||
| Like, first of all, is everybody jumping in on this? | ||
| Is everybody going to compete? | ||
| No, no, no, this is all pile on Bert, and Bert's got to prove he's not a liar. | ||
| Because you said you could beat us in a marathon! | ||
| I can definitely beat you, and I can definitely beat Tom. | ||
| I cannot beat you. | ||
| I will do something. | ||
| I do not know if it would be a marathon. | ||
| I don't necessarily know. | ||
| I would have to put a lot of time into running. | ||
| Would you consider another proposal? | ||
| I don't know if I have the resources to do that right now. | ||
| So another idea I had that I pitched to you a little while ago was what if we did a one-day decathlon-style event where it's multiple, like you have like seven activities. | ||
| Different things you have to do? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I will tell you that since I dorm on our treadmill, I bike around a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So if we did a decathlon thing, then no, you would have no chance of still finishing. | ||
| Still even finishing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, trust me, some sort of like putt-putt was one of the events. | ||
| And then we'd have something heavy there, so you couldn't do that. | ||
| And then, I don't know. | ||
| Oh, maybe though you'd dominate if we had some sort of eating contest. | ||
| No, you know what? | ||
| No, I'd dominate. | ||
| I'd dominate if you guys had to do what I did the night before. | ||
| So we all have to drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's coming back. | |
| Ego. | ||
| Someone can't take it on the chin. | ||
| I'm sweating. | ||
| Like, you guys were mocking him being 5'9". | ||
| I wish I was 5'9". | ||
| We all have to take it on the chin. | ||
| There's reality here, motherfuckers. | ||
| You're 326 pounds. | ||
| You're 5'9". | ||
| There's two aspects to the bet, though. | ||
| The bet is we're coming up with something physical, some type of physical competition, and then how long we're going to go totally sober for. | ||
| We're saying 90 days, right? | ||
| Well, not totally sober. | ||
| We're allowing marijuana. | ||
| Let's be real. | ||
| If I'm going to be real about everything, if you guys are going to be real, I'll be with you. | ||
| Be real. | ||
| I cannot do 90 days. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you for quitting before we started and coming off these ridiculous statements. | ||
| And whatever we... | ||
| I don't want to smoke pocket. | ||
| I think everyone's going to be... | ||
| Whatever we agree to, you're definitely going to be wearing a scram cam. | ||
| What's a scram cam? | ||
| It's a continuous alcohol monitoring bracelet. | ||
| And... | ||
| Everybody else is on honor code, but Bert has to wear a scram cam. | ||
| It's for high-risk offenders. | ||
| Can you get one? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| There's gotta be some cops that listen that would hook us up. | ||
| Sweating profusely. | ||
| And here's the thing. | ||
| If you fail the alcohol part, the bet is over. | ||
| There's no more competition. | ||
| Because otherwise it has no stakes. | ||
| So it has to be... | ||
| I'd be down to do something, but the problem with running a marathon is I think to do a marathon right without really fucking your body up, you should build towards it. | ||
| You could probably run a marathon right away. | ||
| What gives you that idea? | ||
| Logic and common sense? | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| I'm not averse to a challenge, but I'm not interested in destroying my body. | ||
| Decathlon over many days. | ||
| If you're gonna do a marathon, I feel like you should give yourself some time and run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no way you could do a marathon. | |
| What's a 5k? | ||
| I ran a 5k in Vegas in January. | ||
| It was tough though, right? | ||
| I didn't run at all. | ||
| I did zero preparation. | ||
| I mean none. | ||
| I completed it, but it was way tougher than I thought it was gonna be. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's about 3 miles. | ||
| I showed up because of my fucking Thanksgiving A couple years ago in Cincinnati and agreed to a 10k with no training. | ||
| That was unbelievable pain, man. | ||
| How long did it take you? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| But I was in real pain, man. | ||
| So I started running after it. | ||
| After they did it, I was like, okay. | ||
| This is not good. | ||
| It's not good that I can't run three miles and not be in agony. | ||
| How much are you running now? | ||
| Well, I run hills. | ||
| I'm not running flat. | ||
| See, that's my argument, too, is that I think that what people are worried about is two things. | ||
| One, this traditional running shoe where you have the big fat heel at the bottom and you land on your heel. | ||
| That was all invented by Nike. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to run and land on your heels. | ||
| You're supposed to run and land on the ball of your foot. | ||
| And your foot and the strength of your foot and your calf and all that shit decelerates your stride. | ||
| That's how people are designed to run. | ||
| That's how everybody's supposed to run. | ||
| But somewhere along the line, Nike came up with this fat heel, and they changed the way people run. | ||
| Now they run like heel first. | ||
| Right, heel, yeah. | ||
| You're just not supposed to do that, man. | ||
| You're supposed to run on your toe and put your heel down. | ||
| On the toe, on the ball of your feet, on the ball of your feet. | ||
| A lot of what I wear is like things like these. | ||
| These things have like zero soul. | ||
| There's just like this thin rubber that would protect you from stepping on hard sticks and shit. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And like by walking in stuff that you're supposed to walk in, your feet get stronger. | ||
| By running these things... | ||
| Do you continuously run like when you're on those hills? | ||
| Like you just keep going, keep going? | ||
| I run in these Vibram five-finger trail shoes. | ||
| And it's like they're so thin that the other day it was so hot out that my feet got hot. | ||
| I could feel the heat of the ground coming through the sole. | ||
| It's super thin. | ||
| Ryan O'Neal runs Barefoot. | ||
| They like Griffith Park and shit. | ||
| He's a better man than I. I bought a pair of those. | ||
| When I saw you had them, I bought a pair, and I thought that would help. | ||
| And then, like, the very next week, I was on the beach, and I was like, you know what? | ||
| I run barefoot. | ||
| Man, I woke up, my feet were so fucking sore in places I didn't even know I had muscles. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| We don't usually use our feet correctly because our feet are in these hard sneakers, and the hard sneakers act as like a cast. | ||
| And so your muscles in your feet atrophy. | ||
| They got a class action lawsuit against them. | ||
| Thank you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Vibram Five Finger Shoes did. | ||
| Because they created these thin toe shoes. | ||
| Because a bunch of people got injured. | ||
| They said they would protect you from injury. | ||
| But not repetitive stress injury. | ||
| Not like you not being conditioned for them injury. | ||
| There's a bunch of injuries that you absolutely can get. | ||
| These people are suing them. | ||
| Yeah, and you know what? | ||
| Their claims were ruled to be, either they settled or there was enough ambiguity in what they were claiming. | ||
| What they were trying to say is that they help you somehow or another from injuries. | ||
| They could... | ||
| Overall, in the long run, but you gotta condition yourself to wear those fucking things. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And if you don't, you get fucked. | ||
| Like, Neil Brennan blew out his, uh, plantar fasciitis, both of his feet for fucked up for a year. | ||
| Wearing those? | ||
| From running on a treadmill with those. | ||
| He just wasn't fit for it. | ||
| Like, you have to do a lot of shit barefoot to build up all those muscles inside your feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got that from New York. | |
| Plantar fasciitis. | ||
| Walking around there all the time, yeah. | ||
| Just walking? | ||
| Yeah, I'd wake up, both my heels would hurt. | ||
| Somebody had told me I had to do stretches to like... | ||
| How do you treat it? | ||
| Stretch it out. | ||
| You sent me to a Rolfer. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Remember I went to a Rolfer. | ||
| I had it so bad. | ||
| That's when I started gaining all my weight. | ||
| Same thing that happened to Neil happened to me. | ||
| I blew out my plantar fasciitis. | ||
| And at the time, I was probably like... | ||
| Probably exactly what I weigh right now. | ||
| Maybe even more. | ||
| But I got to 265 because I could not... | ||
| I couldn't walk. | ||
| Because the heel hurt. | ||
| I went to a Rolfer. | ||
| What's a Rolfer? | ||
| This is guy... | ||
| His name's Ricky the Rolfer or something. | ||
| I got him on Hollywood. | ||
| He's a legit guy. | ||
| Ricky the Rolfer. | ||
| I think. | ||
| And he goes in with his knuckle into the muscle or to the tendon and breaks up the fascia. | ||
| And I started it. | ||
| And he goes, just so you know, you can yell. | ||
| And I was screaming at the end. | ||
| Screaming. | ||
| There was a sign on the ceiling that you're looking at that says, don't worry, go to the light. | ||
| And I was fucking screaming. | ||
| I called you the second I got done because I walked out of that place in flip-flops and went, I can fucking walk. | ||
| And I called Joe. | ||
| I was on Laurel Canyon. | ||
| I was like, there's two things. | ||
| I was like, hey, can you tweet about my date in Portland? | ||
| I didn't say that, though. | ||
| Ricky the Rolfer sounds like a name for a character in a Tim and Eric show. | ||
| It's Don the Rolfer. | ||
| Don the Rolfer. | ||
| I like Ricky better. | ||
| I like Ricky better. | ||
| But that plantar fasciitis, man, was no joke. | ||
| Dominic Cruz got that when he came back after his surgery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, tried to go too hard, too quick. | ||
| His feet are all taped up now whenever he fights. | ||
| That's why I walk that first 15 minutes. | ||
| I walk one mile to loosen up. | ||
| Something's fucking happening to my butt right now. | ||
| If you roll your toes in the beginning of the day, too, when you're lying in bed, if this is your foot, you just do this. | ||
| Ten times that way, then ten times that way. | ||
| Each foot. | ||
| I do a hundred push-ups. | ||
| In a row? | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| How many chin-ups can you do? | ||
| Maybe three. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I can't do chin-ups. | ||
| I can't do chin-ups, man. | ||
| How come you only do three? | ||
| When I was going to boot camp or not CrossFit. | ||
| Because you're in great shape? | ||
| No, I'm not a chin-up guy. | ||
| That's a lot of weight to lift up. | ||
| I'm a chin-up guy. | ||
| How many chin-ups can you do? | ||
| 295 pounds for three is pretty impressive, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, man. | |
| 15, 18. I love how we buy into the propaganda of buns, but we're honest. | ||
| I feel like Donald Trump right now. | ||
| I don't know if I can do any. | ||
| You're Barack Obama and I'm Donald Trump. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| If I can do any, I can do four. | ||
| Are you proposing, though, that... | ||
| What are you proposing with the no alcohol? | ||
| That was you guys that started that. | ||
| I am personally... | ||
| Personally, I thought... | ||
| I don't mind. | ||
| I think it's a good... | ||
| One of the things I liked about the challenge that Tom and I did was that people got into it as well and could do it with us. | ||
| And they started shaming each other, and that's the one thing, the feedback that I've gotten from it, is from people like, dude, me and my buddy started fat shaming each other. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's cool. | ||
| It's a lot of that. | ||
| Do you feel like the booze option of taking booze off the table for 90 months, or 90 days, rather? | ||
| Dude, he just had a very stroke. | ||
| He's like, no, no, wait, what? | ||
| 90 months. | ||
| We're gonna do a little eight-year break now. | ||
| That was like you on the PCH in a motorcycle, and you see a guy texting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| For you doing that for 90 days is just too daunting. | ||
| I can't do 90 days. | ||
| But is it because you appreciate the feeling that being drunk gives you? | ||
| Is it because you enjoy going on stage drunk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| I don't drink on stage. | ||
| I will bring a cocktail on stage with me, but I never perform drunk. | ||
| Ever? | ||
| Ever. | ||
| I mean, I have, but I don't. | ||
| And you can ask anyone that's ever seen me perform. | ||
| I have a Tito's and Soda on stage with me, and I barely touch it. | ||
| I feel like there's definitely some tweets coming in like, I saw you hammered it. | ||
| By the way, by the way. | ||
| Here's one thing that I've absolutely promised I've never done and never will do. | ||
| I will never drink a fake shot. | ||
| Oh, I've never drank a fake shot. | ||
| That's the worst thing. | ||
| I've never drank a fake shot. | ||
| People do that shit. | ||
| They do that shit. | ||
| They're like, so-and-so does this. | ||
| I was like, no, I'm not going to drink a fake shot. | ||
| Just don't bring up a fake shot. | ||
| I think it became a necessity for some people, though, right? | ||
| Some dude did that to me, and I don't remember where it was. | ||
| And he just looked at me, and I drank, and I go, what the fuck was that? | ||
| I looked at him, and I go, what was that? | ||
| And he goes, uh... | ||
| Did you just give me a fake shot? | ||
| I go, do not do that, sir. | ||
| I go, you go back there and you get yourself some Jack Daniels. | ||
| Get me a real goddamn shot. | ||
| What kind of amateur night shit is this? | ||
| Some people would request that, and they would be like, we're partying here, fuckers! | ||
| My rule is, don't send me shots to stage, because I can't not do them. | ||
| Oh, yeah, of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't not do it. | ||
| I mean, let's be candid. | ||
| Yeah, now you can. | ||
| Like, people, when I go out on the road, for them, that might be their party for the month. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And so, I get offered so many shots, I think it would blow you away. | ||
| Like, how many fireball, how many, just vodka shots get sent to the stage bars? | ||
| What would happen if you left the club, just like right after the show and went back to your room? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's never happened! | ||
| I tried to do it one time, and the manager was like, hey man, we told everyone that you're going to this bar, it's packed, they're waiting for you. | ||
| And I got there and then Tito's had sent me a snowboard. | ||
| And it was like, my meet and greets are a little different because I don't mind hanging. | ||
| I mean, I know we all don't mind, but I don't mind. | ||
| I would much rather not do a meet and greet and just go to a bar at the end of the night and just, if you want to come up and tell me that you like the podcast, you love Tommy, or you think Ari's funnier than Tom, whatever. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I don't mind that. | ||
| And it is part of what I do. | ||
| Can I ask a question? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Do you think it's weird that alcohol companies are sending you things? | ||
| Just gifts? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Did you say a snowboard? | ||
| Yeah, Tito sent me a snowboard. | ||
| Do you think you should snowboard while you're drinking that shit? | ||
| Shouldn't they be real clear about that on the packaging? | ||
| Dude, I gave it to the bartenders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drugsky is the best. | |
| Don't use what we're sending you if you use what we make. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| That should be on the note. | ||
| Yeah, that way should be super clear. | ||
| Otherwise, you should sue. | ||
| Tito sends me, usually the local reps will send me a gift basket in my room. | ||
| Every week? | ||
| Before I get there. | ||
| Yeah, it's been every week for a while. | ||
| Why don't you make some sort of a deal with them? | ||
| They don't do that. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But you don't drink it because of a deal. | ||
| I drink it because I lost that weight when I was drinking Tito's. | ||
| And I was like, well, fuck it. | ||
| You switched to vodka. | ||
| It's a dietary supplement. | ||
| It's a dietary supplement. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| Strong move for health. | ||
| I got told that somewhere overseas. | ||
| And I was like, I don't know how I've gained weight when I'm so much more active and I'm eating less processed food. | ||
| And she's like, Changwe, it's beer weight. | ||
| You gotta switch to a fucking gin and tonic or something. | ||
| Take care of yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait. | |
| It's also, it's all wheat. | ||
| We set up that you said definitely not 90 days. | ||
| Okay, definitely not 90 days. | ||
| Okay, I can't, okay. | ||
| I'm going to Australia. | ||
| You think you can do 30 days sober? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When? | ||
| Give me some time. | ||
| I feel like I'm negotiating a hostage. | ||
| Hold on, let me talk to them. | ||
| I can't do it because I'm going to Australia and Singapore. | ||
| My first instinct was, there's no way you're doing that in Australia. | ||
| They'll never let you be sober. | ||
| Why can't we just start it before you go on the trip? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| When is that trip? | ||
| Why do you get on this podcast and pretend like you don't know me better than any old man? | ||
| If you can do 30 days, you're always going to have an excuse why you're not doing it. | ||
| So why not just do it starting tomorrow? | ||
| I talked to Stanhope about it. | ||
| I told him about our conversation and he's like, I'll do 30 days. | ||
| Stanhope would go in? | ||
| Stanhope's in. | ||
| He goes, you got to give me a heads up because I got to carve it out. | ||
| Like, he takes himself away from, like, risks? | ||
| Stanhope takes, he's like, I can't. | ||
| And actually, he was, like, really excited about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I can't, because I'm in Singapore on the 9th, Perth on the 11th, Sydney on the 13th, Melbourne on the 14th, Sydney on the 11th, and Brisbane on the 18th. | ||
| Guys, find me in Australia. | ||
| Please, in Sydney and Melbourne, those tickets are moving slower than Tom's were. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You couldn't do a night in Singapore, two nights in Singapore on your way from Australia. | ||
| Also, you're going to be at... | ||
| But you couldn't do one night without getting drunk. | ||
| It's the flights. | ||
| It's the flights. | ||
| By the way, I can do... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| I can do... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right! | |
| It's the flights. | ||
| How are you going to do any flights? | ||
| How are you going to do any flights? | ||
| You're scared. | ||
| I am willing. | ||
| I'm willing to do 30 days in October. | ||
| October 1st to the end of October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Not Thanksgiving. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Halloween. | ||
| Why then? | ||
| Because I have a couple road dates. | ||
| And I will be very candid with you. | ||
| I do need to learn how to fly sober. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I can't do it to Australia. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That's fair. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| You pretty much always fly liquored up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man. | ||
| But hold on. | ||
| And now I'll tell you this. | ||
| Always you fly a lot. | ||
| Wait a minute, though. | ||
| Dude, the flight to San Francisco. | ||
| We flew to San Francisco. | ||
| That's an hour flight. | ||
| That's an hour flight. | ||
| Dude, let's recap. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Let's recap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Start it off. | |
| Oh, fuck me. | ||
| You start... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What'd you have on that flight? | |
| I brought a cocktail to your house. | ||
| But it was a party! | ||
| That was a party! | ||
| I didn't have a show that night. | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| Can you describe the cup? | ||
| I think it was a 32-ounce Styrofoam cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, I've come back on 32-ounce Tito's and Zodos. | |
| And then in the airport, in the flight together, it was eight. | ||
| By the way, hold on. | ||
| I gotta tell you this. | ||
| You know for a fact that when we sat down at the thing and the guy recognized me, he didn't even ask what I wanted. | ||
| He brought what I drank. | ||
| And I said, one for Tommy. | ||
| And okay, now listen. | ||
| And we're also like, what's up, Bert? | ||
| At the bar. | ||
| At the bar. | ||
| At an airport bar. | ||
| And every bartender came by to say hi, because I tip well. | ||
| And by the way, I don't like flying. | ||
| I had a period of time where they prescribed me on Xanax, and that got away from me. | ||
| It literally did, because you get on a plane... | ||
| So you always... | ||
| I would take one, I'd take one... | ||
| Like a slippery fish headed downstream. | ||
| Yeah, I'd take one in the morning before the flight, I'd take one on the plane, and then... | ||
| So I was like, I'm no Xanax, it's not healthy. | ||
| I was like booze. | ||
| So you booze it up on flights home as well as flights there? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| More so on those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm being honest. | ||
| Please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| So this is going to be a tough challenge. | ||
| So we're down to 60 days is what you're saying to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| No. | ||
| I can do October, I think. | ||
| What's the travel schedule like? | ||
| Ari's peeing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's peeing in his kombucha jar. | ||
| He's down here peeing in his kombucha jar. | ||
| He's too much of an animal to just go to the bathroom. | ||
| I don't want to miss any of this. | ||
| There's nothing to miss, man. | ||
| We're talking shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am! | |
| He's already agreed to 55 days. | ||
| We'll recap you. | ||
| Don't worry, man. | ||
| We'll just let everybody know that you're peeing. | ||
| Now we have to deal with this jug-o-piss. | ||
| Oh, you nasty. | ||
| The thing about the difference between a glass of kombucha and a glass of piss is that the piss smells slightly better. | ||
| That is definitely true. | ||
| If you didn't enjoy the taste of kombucha and you just smelled it for the first time, it's like kimchi. | ||
| You ever smell kimchi for the first time and you're like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| And there's whale jizz in the kombucha. | ||
| You're holding your dick like you're in the middle of a piss. | ||
| Do you need a larger container? | ||
| Yeah, he's gonna switch. | ||
| Just go to the bathroom, you goddamn animal. | ||
| Just go to the bathroom. | ||
| You're gonna pee on my floor for sure. | ||
| You're plugging your dick into the hole, creating a constriction effect on the piss hole. | ||
| It's not the first time I pissed in a bottle, Joe. | ||
| Obviously, I don't need some air pressure. | ||
| It's not the first time you pissed in a bottle here. | ||
| You pissed in a bottle the last time you were here. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| That doesn't sound like me at all. | ||
| Bert, where are you flying in October? | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| This is what makes it tricky. | ||
| Yeah, where are you going? | ||
| I mean, I'd love to sculpt it so it didn't make it tricky, but I'm at D.C. on the 30th of September. | ||
| You've got a cross-country flight. | ||
| Cross-country flight on the 1st will be my first in a little while. | ||
| I have done them recently, but that would be my first one on the first. | ||
| A six-hour flight. | ||
| This is where it gets complicated. | ||
| That's where you'll fail right there. | ||
| There's no way you survive even that. | ||
| Where's the second failure coming? | ||
| I have Chicago on the 19th to the 21st or 22nd. | ||
| I can't be right. | ||
| You can get through. | ||
| That's not even a flight situation. | ||
| That's hanging out in Chicago without drinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These are good challenges. | ||
| Those are good places to drink, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So many good bars. | ||
| That's why it's a good challenge. | ||
| I could do it. | ||
| I'm doing a college the night before, and I'm sure that the reason I got hired is they all want to hang out with me at a bar afterwards. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| I'll just get in a car. | ||
| No, listen. | ||
| You get hired because you're a funny comedian. | ||
| Yeah, don't get that. | ||
| They don't hire you just because they can drink with you. | ||
| I got hired for a corporate for a lot of money, and I was like, that doesn't seem right. | ||
| And I got up there, and I started doing it. | ||
| The guy goes, tell the machine, and let's go to a bar. | ||
| And I was like, all right. | ||
| So I told the machine, and we went to a bar in Aspen. | ||
| And I was like, fuck it. | ||
| If that's what you guys wanted for that, I'll do it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| It's a corporate. | ||
| It's a bunch of millionaires from New York who just are like, we want that fucking guy. | ||
| We want that story. | ||
| Let's fucking party with him. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's a lot of pressure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I will say that I think sometimes it grates on you where you're like, hey man, I do want to go to bed. | ||
| Do you ever hear Kinnison talk about when he became famous and he would go to parties and they would go, it's him, it's him! | ||
| And they'd lay out a fucking line! | ||
| Lay out some crazy line of protein and he would snort it. | ||
| I forget how the bit went, but he talked about his heart was fucking pounding out of his chest. | ||
| He was barely alive. | ||
| But he didn't want to let them down. | ||
| It's a crazy thing that I get is that people always want to do shots. | ||
| I don't like shots. | ||
| But when I go to take a sip of a drink, I will drink my legit first drink when I do stand-up when I tell the machine story on the second show. | ||
| On the second show, when I start that, I go, this is cruise control. | ||
| I'm going to have my cocktail. | ||
| I'm going to try to catch a buzz in the middle of the story, and so I'll murder a Double Tito's and Soda, and that's my first drink. | ||
| Also, to be clear, I've never drank during a show. | ||
| Double Tito's and Soda. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I murder a fucking drink during a show. | |
| I've already done an hour. | ||
| I'm just telling the machine story. | ||
| But, uh... | ||
| But here's the tricky part of this challenge, Ari, is that we're doing the Impractical Jokers cruise on the 1st, and Sal, when we started doing this, he went online. | ||
| He reached out to both of us. | ||
| Yeah, and was like, hey, please don't do this for our cruise. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because there are guys... | ||
| Don't get healthy. | ||
| No, there are guys that bought tickets because they want to party with us. | ||
| The second party is like, no more weed, no more tripping, you know? | ||
| Sorry, I can't this time. | ||
| So wait a minute. | ||
| What day is the cruise? | ||
| On the 1st of November. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| But you're saying October. | ||
| Yeah, but we'd have to fly one more time. | ||
| My last day of the challenge would be on a fucking plane. | ||
| You're probably going to spend, I don't know, maybe you're not. | ||
| Yeah, but you can celebrate on the cruise. | ||
| First, but I would be landing on Halloween in New Orleans. | ||
| Halloween in New Orleans is tough. | ||
| But that's what makes it a tough challenge. | ||
| It's a tough challenge. | ||
| And the ScramCam, you cannot cheat it. | ||
| It's going to be buckled to you. | ||
| The ScramCam. | ||
| I'll ScramCam. | ||
| This episode is brought to you by ScramCam.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
ScramCam.com. | |
| I'll ScramCam in a fucking heartbeat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, by the way, by the way. | |
| Bitches be lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. | |
| Calling Andy Dick in the middle of the night. | ||
| Hey, yo, how do you fudge those scram cam results? | ||
| So on Halloween, when everyone's lit up and you're going to the airport to go to New Orleans into the fucking heart of darkness, you're going to be able to survive. | ||
| You're not going to just say, it's close enough. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| If I got that scram... | ||
| Look, let me tell you something about me. | ||
| I promise you this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, Longstrand, Mickey Mantle, DNA. Yeah. | |
| I remember that shit. | ||
| I still got it. | ||
| I still got it. | ||
| Dude, he's in great shape. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| I would love to weigh you right now. | ||
| Why can't we weigh you right now? | ||
| Just pick me up and pick up buns and see who's heavier. | ||
| And then look over our heads and see who's shorter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that mean? | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| You didn't even respond to what he said. | ||
| You're like talking about something completely different. | ||
| Like, who's heavier? | ||
| You say he's heavier than you now? | ||
| Nah, I think we're probably the same weight. | ||
| We're going to your house after this. | ||
| Yeah, we'll get on your scale. | ||
| We'll get on your scale. | ||
| Please put that shit on Periscope. | ||
| I would love to see it. | ||
| Put Periscope the fuck out of that. | ||
| I think it's probably similar, actually. | ||
| I think it's similar. | ||
| Do what you gotta do. | ||
| Go Instagram Live, perhaps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right now, there's some people right now, right now super uncomfortable with their own personal weight. | ||
| They're screaming at the three of us. | ||
| You guys are fat shaming, bud! | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys are fat shaming, bud, and it's disgusting! | |
| Fat shaming changed my life. | ||
| It changed my life for the better. | ||
| Can I tell you the greatest thing about this weight loss in the running is just putting on my shoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You gained foot weight? | ||
| No, it was so difficult... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| Are you... | ||
| What? | ||
| My feet are the same size. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hot. | |
| I should have said tie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like your feet got fat. | |
| You can't. | ||
| That must happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your feet get fat, for sure. | |
| Definitely. | ||
| You can hop it through it. | ||
| 40 pounds. | ||
| You know what I've always thought, though? | ||
| For real. | ||
| People that are giant and then lose all their weight, they must have incredible leg muscles. | ||
| Dude, what's... | ||
| What's Daniel Tosh's best friend, Eddie... | ||
| Gosling? | ||
| Eddie Gosling. | ||
| When we did a voiceover, like a cartoon together or something, and we were in the sound booth together, and Tosh is in the other room, and I go, God, man, Eddie, you've got fucking big calves. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, yeah, I know. | ||
| I said, no, you've got, like, really big calves. | ||
| And he's like, no, I get that a lot. | ||
| And I go, no, Eddie, you've got... | ||
| And I see Tosh is in the sound booth, and he's laughing hysterically. | ||
| I go, what is it? | ||
| And he goes, he used to be 380 pounds. | ||
| That's why he's got big calves. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Oh! | ||
| That's a good Tosh impression, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
380! | |
| Here's to be 380 pounds. | ||
| Here's to be 380 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So, okay, so you must have similar calf muscles then. | ||
| No, he's not that big. | ||
| He's about 375. Scram. | ||
| Scram. | ||
| Continuous alcohol monitoring. | ||
| I wonder if you could, like, do you think people play, like, role-playing games with their spouses and they put those on each other? | ||
| If I catch you drinking, bitch, you're going to suck this dick. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a great one. | ||
| I'm not drinking. | ||
| I don't drink. | ||
| Get her in shit. | ||
| Your machine's bullshit. | ||
| The machine's bullshit. | ||
| Reading is always correct. | ||
| You're a liar. | ||
| Wait, that doesn't say... | ||
| You're gonna have to suck that dick. | ||
| That doesn't play role-playing games. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's like, oh, it's so hot. | ||
| You know what's hot? | ||
| Girls who wear those pantyhose with the elastic band around the top. | ||
| Why is that hot? | ||
| Why is that hot? | ||
| Why is it hot with the way your pantyhose are connected? | ||
| Why is that hot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, but it is. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| Why is it hot? | ||
| A girl wearing garter belt is extra dirty. | ||
| I like when you find something that you didn't know is dirty, and then you see it and you go, that's my new... | ||
| That's dirty. | ||
| You know what's really sexy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dirt. | |
| Glasses. | ||
| Turn this on. | ||
| Turn this on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like a chick who can't see that good what? | |
| What's really good? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's better to end on his. | ||
| No! | ||
| Tell us. | ||
| What? | ||
| Like when a girl smells like shit. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| What do you like, man? | ||
| I like a chick who's barely showering. | ||
| I hate showering. | ||
| No, nothing. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| The last porn I saw that really kind of registered me in a new way, I was like, is this thing called the dancing bear? | ||
| So, what it is, is... | ||
| What? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| You gotta hear the whole story. | ||
| Don't start tearing it apart. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's a faux bachelorette party. | ||
| So they come in with a dancing bear who's dancing around, right? | ||
| And then he goes back, and he comes out, and he's got a big dick, and he's just... | ||
| Does he get caught by accident? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| So this is what turned me on though. | ||
| What? | ||
| He comes out and it's a bachelor party, but there's like 30 girls. | ||
| It's like really big, right? | ||
| Clearly a couple of them are porn stars that he's going to fuck because it's a porn. | ||
| Do you think his dick was taller than Tom? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| The rest of them are hired just actresses. | ||
| They're not porn stars. | ||
| They're not going to pay that much. | ||
| But what turned me on was when he would join in with one of the paid regulars, and he's just like, he's fucking this girl, and this girl's trying to act, and he puts his finger in her mouth. | ||
| The look on her face when she went, oh, I guess I'm in this. | ||
| I was like, dad, I want something real. | ||
| Yeah, you want to terrify someone. | ||
| So this was a girl that wasn't supposed to get fucked, that got fucked? | ||
| No, she didn't even get fucked. | ||
| She didn't get fucked. | ||
| She just sucked his finger? | ||
| Yeah, but it was like... | ||
| She was a regular girl. | ||
| She was a regular girl. | ||
| She wasn't a porn star. | ||
| She wasn't a porn star. | ||
| And so all of a sudden, but the look on her face, and then she started sucking his finger. | ||
| And you're going, oh, this is how a real girl does it. | ||
| Like, timid and nervous. | ||
| They're a dude jacking off in their cars right now, driving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| To Burt's voice. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's the whole thing I liked about downblousing. | ||
| Down blousing. | ||
| I told you about down blousing. | ||
| You just pulled down someone's skirt. | ||
| Those videos were hilarious. | ||
| They pants people too. | ||
| Down blousing is videos of girls cleaning toilets in a loose-fitting shirt with no bra and then talking to the camera about inane bullshit like your wife would. | ||
| But all you're doing is seeing a little bit of nip and you're like, oh, there's tigers in these woods. | ||
| Like your wife would. | ||
| So it's real. | ||
| It's fucking real. | ||
| She's like, hey, we should probably get new trash cans. | ||
| And you're like, you're watching it, but you're seeing nip. | ||
| In the video, I'm watching it, and I'm nodding, going, uh-huh, yeah, what, yeah, uh-huh, whatever. | ||
| Just a hint of titty. | ||
| Today we had to drain our above-ground pool. | ||
| We're getting a real pool. | ||
| And so Leanne and I were joking around in bed talking about this dream I had. | ||
| And then she goes, let's do this now before it gets hot. | ||
| And she goes, I'm going to go put a brawl on. | ||
| And I go, or don't. | ||
| And I'll do the whole thing by myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just that little fucking side boob action you see. | |
| I fucking love that shit. | ||
| So what did she do? | ||
| She kept her bra off. | ||
| I drained the pool. | ||
| Wow, look at you. | ||
| Then ran three miles. | ||
| Came here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| Three miles. | ||
| 296? | ||
| Three miles. | ||
| Have you guys seen those treadmills where you actually do run? | ||
| There's a treadmills that's man-powered. | ||
| It's called like a woodwork or something it's called. | ||
| I thought you were saying bird doesn't run. | ||
| No, I think that's what he's saying! | ||
| They're non-motorized treadmills. | ||
| It has wood in the nose. | ||
| Use those now. | ||
| They use them in like legit strength and conditioning centers. | ||
| They really take off. | ||
| Which one was my treadmill? | ||
| But this has resistance and it's built like a banana. | ||
| So you're running on this slope. | ||
| So it's all entirely on the actual motion of you pushing your body. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| They're pretty badass. | ||
| Speed fit. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| Because the faster you run, like physically run, the faster it goes. | ||
| You push it. | ||
| You don't have to press up. | ||
| You're not keeping up with it. | ||
| You're actually pushing it. | ||
| So it's like a teleprompter. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| No, like when you read a teleprompter, it goes at your pace. | ||
| So if you read faster, it goes faster. | ||
| If you read slower, it goes slower. | ||
| Well, it's a mechanical thing. | ||
| The physical action of you running and pushing it because you're on this slope, that's what makes it go fast. | ||
| So you don't have to worry about keeping up with it. | ||
| It keeps up with you. | ||
| And it's all a much more natural stride than keeping up with something that's on a mechanism that's having the belt feed towards you. | ||
| So this is what it looks like when you're running on these things. | ||
| Oh, that's Woodway. | ||
| It's a step higher to increase your pace. | ||
| You're actually pushing it. | ||
| Step higher to increase... | ||
| I will say, in all honesty, I know that we joke, I will say I've been worried about the idea that running on a treadmill is not... | ||
| It's making my legs move at that rate. | ||
| As opposed to making my legs take me... | ||
| You're doing good work on a treadmill. | ||
| You're sweating. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It is good. | ||
| But you see how this guy's running? | ||
| How the ball of his feet is landing? | ||
| It's because he's running on a slight uphill slant. | ||
| And that's how you're supposed to land on your feet. | ||
| The body is designed to almost lean forward and you catch yourself on the ball of your feet. | ||
| How much are these? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When you're running on an uphill slant, you're more likely to do that. | ||
| I think they're expensive as shit. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much? | |
| I think it's not cheap. | ||
| What's the name of it? | ||
| That's the Woodway. | ||
| Dude, running hills is the shit. | ||
| And if you live in a place where you can't run hills, I get it. | ||
| But if you do live in a place that has hills, running hills is the shit, man. | ||
| It is fucking amazing for a workout. | ||
| You run, put a heart rate monitor on, let yourself get jacked up to a certain heart rate, and take your time, when you get down to 140 beats per minute, start running again. | ||
| Jack that fucker up again to 190, go as far as you can, let it get down to 140, and if you just keep doing that over and over and over again, you develop so much. | ||
| Feel better. | ||
| Your legs move better. | ||
| Your feet are stronger. | ||
| The difference between running, if you have the opportunity, we live in a place that has canyons everywhere, man. | ||
| There's fucking trails everywhere, and they're all steep as shit. | ||
| Runyon is steep as shit. | ||
| If you can get to Runyon and run up that fucking thing, that's a phenomenal workout, man. | ||
| Fucking insane. | ||
| I will say this, though, and by the way, and I have to say this, I have to give a huge shout out to Cameron Haynes, because when I really started doing all this, I think it was when you met him, and trying to get in shape, and I hear his fucking mottos, and I'm sure he's probably said to himself, you know, I should, whatever, but I hear his mottos, no one cares, work harder. | ||
| I hear that when I run, sometimes it's inspiration. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| But I will say that sometimes, and I will say to people like myself, who are not as Good of the shape of Cameron Haynes. | ||
| Some models could be, no one cares, but don't get injured. | ||
| Because that is a big problem with running. | ||
| Dude, that guy's so tough. | ||
| If he got injured, he doesn't realize he got injured. | ||
| Not him. | ||
| He just keeps going. | ||
| Not him, but I mean, people who listen to his inspiration, sometimes I've been like, oh, I should not really try to kill myself because I actually might. | ||
| You can't measure yourself against that guy. | ||
| He runs a marathon a day. | ||
| Do you think he'd be disappointed that you could not do a marathon? | ||
| You readily admitted it? | ||
| I think if Cameron Haynes and I ran for a day, I think he'd definitely say you could do a marathon. | ||
| Wait, do you know him? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I've texted and tweeted. | ||
| I think he would only be running with you for the first 30 or 40 meters. | ||
| No, I wouldn't keep up with him, Joe. | ||
| It would be this preposterous conversation with you talking to a man who's far in the distance. | ||
| It's two guys in really good shape. | ||
| You guys know where the water is? | ||
| Two great-shaped guys. | ||
| Two great-shaped guys just running together. | ||
| Two guys who are in great shape. | ||
| Cam runs a marathon literally every day. | ||
| I bet he wouldn't like you. | ||
| Can we add that to the back? | ||
| That's his feet after running 205 miles. | ||
| What? | ||
| I could not. | ||
| Ew, his tornadoes are off or they fall off. | ||
| That's his first hundred? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay, this is a different one. | ||
| He's got a bunch of these disgusting feet photographs online. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| Of him losing toenails and shit. | ||
| Fucking love it. | ||
| So, last year he ran 205 miles, and this year he's prepping for something in October that's the first time they're doing it. | ||
| 238 miles. | ||
| Have you ever asked him about the approach that he went from being, let's say, just a guy in shape running to doing the 100 miles? | ||
| Did he start going like, I'll start doing marathons and then tack on two in a day? | ||
| Yeah, the first marathon he did was very difficult for sure, but then he started running more. | ||
| And then one time he beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon. | ||
| He beat Lance Armstrong. | ||
| On a bike? | ||
| Lance was running the Boston Marathon. | ||
| Lance Armstrong actually started out as a runner. | ||
| I was asking for real, though. | ||
| Hey, this is a good question. | ||
| Was this before or after Lance got in trouble? | ||
| Like, I really thought that's what it meant. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| He's so fast! | ||
| He beat him on the bike! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, wow, I know a lot of hills, but fuck! | |
| He's one of the Avengers, bro. | ||
| You can't even see his legs moving like he's just a blurb. | ||
| No, because Lance Armstrong is really good at biking. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it a bike factor? | |
| Or am I wrong? | ||
| Can someone please audiograph all of Ari's statements that have done killed me today? | ||
| Your feet got fatter? | ||
| That is worth mentioning, that he could beat a biker. | ||
| That's super important. | ||
| By being running. | ||
| And then he started doing crazy ones, then he did a bunch of 100s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A bunch of 100s. | |
| Last year he did the Bigfoot 200, which is actually 205 miles. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| And it's several thousand feet of elevation, too. | ||
| You're going up, running through the mountains and shit. | ||
| Does he take breaks? | ||
| That's him. | ||
| Does he walk for 100 meters? | ||
| Hold on, that's not him. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| That's Cam when he was all skinny. | ||
| Cam was real skinny at one point in time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| I'm a fucking fan of Sublime, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is that? | |
| It's called Military Sun. | ||
| That is not Cam. | ||
| That is Cam. | ||
| That is not Cam! | ||
| Yeah, that's Cam many moons ago. | ||
| This thing is, I wonder, like, which incarnation of Lance Armstrong. | ||
| It's 2008, so it would have been right in the middle of Livestrong. | ||
| That's why he's wearing all that Nike stuff. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| So that's before he got busted. | ||
| But he was juiced to the gills. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| He was going for it there. | ||
| He'd be a roided-up Lance Armstrong. | ||
| Wow, I wonder. | ||
| I wonder if maybe he's in his off-season and he was cycling. | ||
| Cycling off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get it? | |
| I wonder what kind of inspiration it was for Cameron to realize your friend with the camera is around the corner and I see Lance Armstrong on my sights. | ||
| And I can get a picture where I'm passing it. | ||
| Have you ever done that to a fat chick at the fucking reservoir? | ||
| And you're like, I'm gonna pass her fucking ho-ho. | ||
| I'm not gonna walk past her. | ||
| I'm gonna fucking pound it. | ||
| A reservoir? | ||
| Yeah, there's a reservoir I run. | ||
| In his dreams, he runs outside. | ||
| Do you think people understand that you were talking about running a reservoir? | ||
| Like, the fat chick at the reservoir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's like, what the fuck is he talking about? | |
| You knew what the fuck I was talking about. | ||
| It took me a second, though. | ||
| I thought you meant having sex with a girl in high school. | ||
| But wouldn't you think that, like, the people at home that don't live near reservoirs don't know that people run around reservoirs in L.A.? I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't think that into it. | ||
| L.A. has so little wildlife. | ||
| We're like, let's just run around a fucking big pool. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So we made a giant cement pool. | ||
| They call it the reservoir. | ||
| We're all riding around it like assholes. | ||
| Out here in nature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That and the L.A. River are the perfect examples of how fake L.A. is. | ||
| Anybody would think it's a real fucking river. | ||
| Have you ever heard of it? | ||
| But have you seen it? | ||
| You're like, it's an underpass. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| No, no, no, it's the L.A. River. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you seen it in a big rainstorm, though, and walked past it and stopped? | ||
| Yeah, salmon are going uphill. | ||
| And stopped, and you're like, wow, that's our river. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| Thanks, Colorado. | ||
| I appreciate your water. | ||
| It's all water runoff, you know? | ||
| So nasty. | ||
| Did you ever see... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| The LA River full blast. | ||
| It does get full blast sometimes when we do need that. | ||
| Like last year, last year got fucking crazy with the amount of water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| Dude, there was so much water. | ||
| It rained so hard for so many days. | ||
| They lifted that drought finally last year. | ||
| It pulled us out of the drought. | ||
| The one that nobody in LA listens to. | ||
| Actually, was that early this year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, early this year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| You guys know about the Salton Sea? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| The Salton Sea was a place that they created by opening up the Colorado River, and they literally made a giant inland sea, and it was good for a little while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me. | |
| It was good for a little while until the runoff from all these farms, from all this, like, giant, large-scale agriculture, all the chemicals and all the pesticides would get in the runoff, and then it got into the water and poisoned everything, and there's mass fished To the point where, before this, they were calling it the Inland Riviera, like California's Inland Riviera. | ||
| And Sonny Bono used to go there, and all these people used to party there, and it was like this big resort location. | ||
| Now, there are beaches that there's so many dead fish bones that the white of the beach sand is actually fish skeleton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Millions and millions of fish. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| There's still fish there and there's still people there because it's an enormous piece of water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| Those are all dead fish from this one place. | ||
| So they have these mass die-offs where there's like no oxygen in the water or pollutants in the water. | ||
| They have giant dead zones. | ||
| These fish just float up the surface. | ||
| But there's still people that fish in that water and there's still people that eat those fish. | ||
| And there's these communities around them. | ||
| Survivor fish? | ||
| Dude, there's this amazing documentary on it. | ||
| I wish I could remember what it's called. | ||
| There's a Val Kilmer movie called Salt and Sea. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| But the documentaries, what's fascinating is they interview the people that live in the surrounding communities, which are the remnants of what they thought was going to be like these people that lived around the resorts. | ||
| Dude, it's so crazy. | ||
| Plagues and Preasures of the Salt and Sea. | ||
| Who produced that? | ||
| Somebody important produced that, too. | ||
| John Waters, that's right. | ||
| Yes, this is it. | ||
| Narrated by John Waters. | ||
| Yeah, that's the one. | ||
| It's amazing, dude. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Sonny Bono, before he died, wanted to develop some sort of desalinization, like filtration system. | ||
| To get it back? | ||
| For the Salton Sea to bring it back. | ||
| Yeah, because he remembers what it was like when he was a kid. | ||
| Man, look how beautiful that is. | ||
| But in that John Waters movie, when John Waters narrates his movie, you get to see the despair that's in the community now. | ||
| It's really sad. | ||
| Tom, back on screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anyway. | |
| What's it called again? | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plagues and Pleasures of the Solving City. | |
| Tom, you could totally look like that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| The hair is just about the same. | ||
| By the way, I gotta give a shout out to Tommy. | ||
| That fucking mayor thing you did, I don't know why that's not a TV show. | ||
| Oh, thanks, man. | ||
| That is so funny. | ||
| You ever see that? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Tom's got a mayor of Cincinnati? | ||
| Uh, Detroit. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Detroit! | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Just take a YouTube short film. | ||
| He just did a fucking short film where he's just, it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I'll play this. | ||
| Is that Martin? | ||
| Whose is this? | ||
| It's Tom's. | ||
| No, I didn't pay for it. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Well, I don't want to get us pulled. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You can play it. | ||
| You sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Back up. | ||
| Commissioner Gordon's on his way over. | ||
| Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Batman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell me that's not the reason you picked him. | |
| Look, when there's five candidates for police commissioner and one of them's named Gordon, your decision suddenly becomes very easy. | ||
| Commissioner Gordon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There is a video of you smoking crack. | |
| Okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not okay. | |
| Crackhead wants $100,000. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| This crack should be mandatory in schools. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If every kid in Detroit could get crack, we could catch up to the Chinese with this stuff. | |
| You gotta get it for every kid. | ||
| No kid left behind without crack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, Hank, my only regret is that you weren't able to sneak the word crack in a few more times. | |
| As king of Detroit, I hereby declare today Crack Day! | ||
| So you were like that guy from Toronto? | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Yeah, and then they actually, but we made this a little while ago, and then they actually did a feature about it, where they straight up just did it on him. | ||
| Like, very much like this. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy was a character and a half, man. | ||
| Man, he was wild. | ||
| Did you ever see when he got coked up and he was talking about fighting people, that he was like Mike Tyson and he would jump on them and beat their ass? | ||
| Oh, I've seen, we watched a lot of Did you see the one where he did it, like, at Town Hall? | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| And it's like a midday press thing. | ||
| Oh, he was wonderful. | ||
| And they're like, uh, just ask, they didn't ask him specifically about this. | ||
| He goes, and by the way, I did not tell that lady I'm going to eat her pussy, okay? | ||
| He goes, I get plenty of that back at home. | ||
| He goes, I get plenty to eat at home. | ||
| And then, yeah, I get plenty to eat at home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he turns to the camera, and the reporter's like, oh, shit. | |
| it's unfortunate I have to take the legal action um I don't appreciate people calling Alana a prostitute I've never had a prostitute here I'm very happily married at home um That's very disturbing against my wife. | ||
| Unfortunately, I have to take legal action against Isaac Granson and George Christopoulos and Mark Toohey. | ||
| I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing limes at the beer market. | ||
| That is outright lies. | ||
| That is not true. | ||
| But it hurts my wife when they're calling a friend of mine a I'm the last one to take legal action. | ||
| I can't put up with it anymore. | ||
| So I've named the memes. | ||
| Litigation will be starting shortly. | ||
| I've had enough. | ||
| That's why I warned you guys yesterday. | ||
| Be careful what you wrote. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| So that's all I have to say for now. | ||
| And the next thing, I want to call Mayor Britannia in Hamilton and tell him that we're going to have to spank the little I just said that. | ||
| In my life tour, I would never do that. | ||
| After I'm married, I've got more than enough to be at home. | ||
| Mic Drop! | ||
| That's Mic Drop, greatest fucking male interview of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mic Drop. | |
| You know, he died and there was no coverage of that. | ||
| He died. | ||
| I got sad. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No, there was. | ||
| There was. | ||
| I saw a lot. | ||
| Was there really? | ||
| I got sad. | ||
| He came to the store once. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, he was great. | ||
| Drinking. | ||
| I wish I met him. | ||
| Yeah, he's fun, dude. | ||
| He was the mayor of Toronto. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
| The biggest city in Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super recently. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Super recently. | ||
| He was doing wild shit all the time. | ||
| Well, I think that guy was, that and Brexit were two, like, if you look at history, if you go back and look at, like, the reign of Trump, like, when Trump became president, and you look at that and Brexit, like, those two things happening, that opens the... | ||
| It's a door of possibility. | ||
| Anything almost can happen, given the right set of circumstances. | ||
| Given people getting cocky, someone thinking they're way more appealing than they actually are, looking at an alternative, someone's charismatic, they jump in and they can be crazy. | ||
| Let's take a chance with them. | ||
| It's like these small town politicians getting big. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Running shit their own way. | ||
| That's what I think is the best thing about our current chaos, politically. | ||
| I think people need to understand that this can happen. | ||
| Do you think about how, like, I know some of it is just PR stuff, like how 2020 might shape up, at least with, it could possibly be celebrities being like, hey, I'm gonna do this too. | ||
| It could, easily. | ||
| Look, Donald Trump is obviously, he's got a long history of being successful at, you know, being a television host, being a guy who's a great interview on a talk show. | ||
| There's a long history of knowing how to kind of work the crowd in a certain way. | ||
| It only makes sense that someone like that eventually get in. | ||
| What I said, the way I described it, I was like, you had a popularity contest, and an actually popular person entered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the difference. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, most of these guys are popular for politicians. | ||
| And here was this guy who's popular, period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he's way better at talking than that. | ||
| Way better at arguing. | ||
| Way better at being under the gun. | ||
| Like, when those little hot moments with him and all those different candidates, he comes up with nicknames for them. | ||
| The whole thing was kind of genius. | ||
| Chopped them all down. | ||
| And then made it through. | ||
| But now you realize, like, hey, probably nobody should be doing that job. | ||
| It's probably too big of a job for any one human being. | ||
| And this guy's doing it, and he's doing it because he won a popularity contest. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Because then you're going to have The Rock. | ||
| He's going to do it to... | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You're not talking about the most qualified people by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| You're talking about the people that people like the most that's willing to be the president. | ||
| How could The Rock... | ||
| He could not win. | ||
| He could win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| He could win. | ||
| And so many non-regular people who can vote that don't will be like, I'm going just to vote for The Rock. | ||
| I'll vote for him. | ||
| No way. | ||
| The Rock would not win. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Oprah would win. | ||
| Because people think she's smart. | ||
| No one thinks- That'd be great. | ||
| Oh my god, Oprah and The Rock together. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Agent, get on that introduction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Jesus! | ||
| That's why I wish Gary Colvin was still alive. | ||
| Hey, how about this? | ||
| Can't they be co-presidents? | ||
| How about we stop this fucking president, vice president? | ||
| How about you have two co-presidents? | ||
| We have a new system, The Rock and Oprah. | ||
| The whole solar system will realign. | ||
| It'd be interesting. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| White people would be furious. | ||
| Two darkies running shit. | ||
| I don't think the rock is black. | ||
| Everyone thinks the rock is white. | ||
| The rock's white. | ||
| No, he's Hawaiian, man. | ||
| No, his dad's black. | ||
| His dad's black. | ||
| And he's from Hawaii. | ||
| And he's gigantic. | ||
| He's barely a regular person. | ||
| He's a gigantic super athlete. | ||
| White people would... | ||
| White people love The Rock. | ||
| White people claim The Rock as The Rock. | ||
| If you don't love The Rock, you're a twat. | ||
| Remember when The Rock gave me a shoutout? | ||
| Yeah, he was like... | ||
| Burt's super fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck off. | |
| He said he was Team Burt. | ||
| Don't stop making it all Burt, Burt. | ||
| That was great because Burt brought up two-a-days. | ||
| He was like, two-a-days, fucking high school. | ||
| And then I go, but you never did two-a-days. | ||
| He goes, I know, I play baseball. | ||
| You choose wisely. | ||
| Team Burt. | ||
| Burt. | ||
| Oh, this is for the bet. | ||
| Yeah, this is back. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| How'd that turn out? | ||
| Tom won. | ||
| Tom beat Burt. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Let's team up. | ||
| That Mickey Mantle shit. | ||
| You were close, though. | ||
| You were close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think I did much better than anyone expected. | ||
| Oh, both you did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Both you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Well, didn't you expect to win? | ||
| Ah, no. | ||
| Wait, at what point did you not expect to win? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you had to expect at some point. | |
| I think we were talking on the phone one night. | ||
| And you realized. | ||
| And I was having a hard time dropping weight. | ||
| Yeah, because you weren't working out, you were just eating like crazy and drinking. | ||
| Because you were drinking a lot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These are all factors. | ||
| Whatever, whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Plus inside pain as well. | ||
| Plus food. | ||
| Yeah, food a lot. | ||
| So emotions and everything. | ||
| I just run a couple extra miles. | ||
| What was your jam takedown around that? | ||
| Start Googling. | ||
| What is the calories of one Wendy's Double Double? | ||
| Wait, so when? | ||
| How do I multiply the amount of calories in Wendy's Double Double by four? | ||
| If I have one double cheeseburger and run for two hours, we're good. | ||
| That's a total burnt thought. | ||
| You just pulled one out of his brain. | ||
| I'll just do it. | ||
| I'll have some celery on top of this Sunday. | ||
| Should we know that I had pot roast the night before? | ||
| That's crazy, bro. | ||
| But I still did good. | ||
| You did good, but when did you not think you were actually... | ||
| I was sitting in my bathroom, and I was talking on the phone, and you were saying something like, you were talking about your diet. | ||
| And I was like, my diet's just not eat over a thousand calories. | ||
| Like, I'm not thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Per day, you ate less than a thousand calories? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I sense incredulity. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Okay, okay, okay, I'm not a fucking doctor. | ||
| Whatever I had. | ||
| Whatever I had. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But obviously I lost fucking 40 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| In 30 days I lost 40 pounds, correct? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so good. | |
| I did not eat a lot of calories. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Super healthy, by the way. | ||
| It's not! | ||
| Definitely the way to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a fucking bet! | |
| I'm saying you did it, man. | ||
| You got under obese and that was great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a bet. | ||
| I was just trying to fucking show my Mickey Mantle gene and win. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I fucked up my calories. | ||
| I didn't drink a bunch. | ||
| How much weight did you cut two days before that, Tom? | ||
| How much did you not drink at all? | ||
| Well, we both cut water the same days. | ||
| He was drinking the night before. | ||
| And drinking and eating pot the night before. | ||
| And eating salty foods. | ||
| I didn't cut water, technically. | ||
| I started to do a water cut, a version of, you know, 24 hours before. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| And then when you had to go in the second day, what happened? | ||
| That was way harder, man. | ||
| He didn't have a drop of water the entire next day, and then went to a fucking sauna that morning, and I was like... | ||
| The thing is, the really unhealthy thing that we were doing was we were making it a weight loss thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Instead of making it a body fat thing. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| If we were smart, what we've done is a dunk tank, have someone at a place that does a dunk tank where they check your body composition. | ||
| Because they can do that electrical one where you hold these cables and you push your hands on them. | ||
| And it's pretty good. | ||
| They read through your feet, too. | ||
| Body fat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| There's a bunch of different kinds of these things. | ||
| This was the easiest way. | ||
| They're not that accurate. | ||
| Weight loss. | ||
| Yeah, but the problem with weight loss is both these guys came into this thing with a fake weight loss because they dehydrated themselves. | ||
| But Bert didn't. | ||
| He ate tons of salty food and drank a lot. | ||
| No, he definitely dehydrated himself the last day. | ||
| The last day, I came in thirsty as fuck. | ||
| I had a really hard time not drinking water before I got here. | ||
| I think Tommy drank 9 bottles of water from the entire podcast. | ||
| During the podcast. | ||
| No, dude, we kept giving him bottles of water. | ||
| We were just throwing them down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a fighter? | |
| Do you remember what the number was? | ||
| I remember we calculated it. | ||
| It was over a gallon. | ||
| It was something crazy. | ||
| Just to get water back in you. | ||
| And I didn't pee. | ||
| I don't know if that was true. | ||
| Can I just say, you made Not Obese by.15 of an inch. | ||
| That's how close it was. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| But that's just weighing... | ||
| And then buy more the next day, where you gotta keep going for it. | ||
| That's just weighing how tall you are versus how much you weigh. | ||
| Yeah, that's just BMI. Which they have since modified once, and they want to actually do away with just the staff. | ||
| Yeah, they should modify that. | ||
| And condom. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| That actually fooled me for a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, that's hilarious. | |
| I thought that was that guy Izzy whatever from Hawaii. | ||
| Fat comedian Bart Chrysler. | ||
| Keeping it low and loose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fat comedian Bart Chrysler keeping it low and loose after his loss at the weigh-ins. | |
| People, if you're listening to this, Google that. | ||
| Google image search. | ||
| Fat comedian Bart Chrysler keeping it low and loose after his loss at the weigh-ins against Undisputed Water Champion Tommy Buns Segura. | ||
| Look how you're surrounded by liquor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, what a genius Photoshop that is. | |
| Fried chicken, liquor, donuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember when I took that picture! | |
| I know that face is from a Spike Video Games Award and I shaved clean and I saw the photos from the red carpet and I was like, that's not a good look. | ||
| That guy's got two nicotine patches on. | ||
| That is so funny. | ||
| That is so funny. | ||
| And seeing all the boos around it, that is a genius photoshop. | ||
| That is a great photoshop. | ||
| You look so happy with those donuts. | ||
| You know, that's the thing about the internet. | ||
| That could be some dude who has some regular job somewhere, and he's bored, and he's got downtime on his computer, and he just creates that and throws it up there. | ||
| And there's people out there that... | ||
| It's a secret, but it's not a secret about guys like us, like what we do. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who could have done what we did. | ||
| How good are some of these guys making posters and drawing? | ||
| Dude, my guy who does posters is fucking Brett Brock. | ||
| He is great, man. | ||
| He is legit. | ||
| Very nice dude, but man, those posters, some of them are really good. | ||
| Dose Brack, that guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's amazing, man. | ||
| He's really great. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| There's a lot of those guys out there. | ||
| I got Ray Taylor and Sherman Michael. | ||
| Oh, and Paul Granisse. | ||
| That dude's awesome. | ||
| He's made amazing work. | ||
| The one-by-one podcast guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's good. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He does great shit. | ||
| Hilarious stuff. | ||
| Some of them are really fun. | ||
| And some of the Photoshop's. | ||
| Just for the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Drastic FX. That guy from Drastic FX. He does some awesome shit, dude. | ||
| Did you see the Run DMC one for 1,000? | ||
| That one was fantastic, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was great. | |
| Yeah, that was so great. | ||
| How fun was that show? | ||
| Those guys don't get enough. | ||
| So fun. | ||
| That show, Diaz made me laugh harder than any human being has ever made me laugh ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt the same way. | |
| We had to look down. | ||
| I looked up, and Tommy was looking at the floor, too. | ||
| We were both looking at the floor, and Joey was just sucking all the oxygen out of the room. | ||
| He was killing so hard. | ||
| There was no way to breathe. | ||
| I lost track of what he was saying at one point because I had to stop listening to him. | ||
| You're crying so... | ||
| He's on fire right now. | ||
| I was really excited for that podcast. | ||
| Dude, it was a fun podcast. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| It was easy. | ||
| Yeah, it was just over three hours. | ||
| That's not enough time for you to turn around and start over one. | ||
| Wait, so can we go back to this real quick? | ||
| Yeah, what is this bet? | ||
| What do you think you can do? | ||
| For real, what do you think you can do? | ||
| Now that you're sober for fucking ten minutes, what do you think you can do? | ||
| October, we're signing up, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So 30 days. | ||
| Okay, you want to do 30 days? | ||
| 31 days. | ||
| All of October. | ||
| All of October. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| October, October. | ||
| Let's work through this. | ||
| From midnight. | ||
| On the 1st of... | ||
| West Coast time? | ||
| Wherever you are? | ||
| What are you, casting a spell? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Midnight when the moon is full. | |
| Are you gonna drink right up to 11.59? | ||
| Of course he is. | ||
| He's gonna be passed out drunk at 11.59. | ||
| When the wolves call through the valley, midnight. | ||
| Of course he is. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| Disappoint your children. | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| How can I make this so that I'm in a challenge where I don't feel like everyone's against me? | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| It's like the ultimate hold your breath. | ||
| You have to be more likeable. | ||
| That's a lot of it. | ||
| People root for you to lose. | ||
| You're holding your breath. | ||
| People immediately don't like you when they meet you. | ||
| You're like a guy who's ready to break the world record on holding your breath. | ||
| You know you're going to breathe again, but it's going to be alone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's gonna be a long time. | ||
| But think about how much fun that'll be on November 1st. | ||
| But you're not thinking, you're not thinking, hey man, maybe I should just stop drinking. | ||
| Think about October 1st at 12.30 a.m. | ||
| when you're like, fuck that, give me another drink. | ||
| And you fail instantly. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| How many days is that in? | ||
| Two? | ||
| No, no, that's not even. | ||
| That's 30 minutes. | ||
| That was 30 minutes in in my scenario. | ||
| I assume there were people around from the party before. | ||
| I'd give Bird five or six days for things that are getting really weird. | ||
| Scram cam. | ||
| First of all, I think your marijuana intake would uptick drastically. | ||
| Yeah, you can get high for a month. | ||
| I can say it's a little bullshit that you would go to marijuana, because normally I'd say that's way healthier, but I'm saying here that all that's doing is riding you the gap until you can drink again. | ||
| By the way, I'll go no marijuana. | ||
| I would like you to face sobriety. | ||
| Look, look, look, look. | ||
| I don't have a problem not doing marijuana. | ||
| Are you trying to take Bert on the road with you and have him bomb so you look like a hero? | ||
| Is that what you're doing? | ||
| If I'm sober, I can totally do much better than if I was hammered. | ||
| This is some next level 3D chess shit. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I think you're hilarious when you're drunk. | ||
| You've only seen me sober. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've seen you drunk on stage. | |
| You've never seen me drunk on stage. | ||
| Oh wait, you're right, you have. | ||
| You saw me on stage the first time I was ever high on stage. | ||
| Dude, we got drunk as fucking at the Ice House. | ||
| I don't drink at the store. | ||
| You don't forget you black out about the sets you have on stage because you drink so much. | ||
| Dude, the last time we did that... | ||
| Oh, hey, by the way, who's in town Wednesday? | ||
| Who's in town Wednesday? | ||
| You guys want to do the Ice House? | ||
| I'm leaving for Singapore. | ||
| I'm not going to be here. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Could have been a good goddamn time. | ||
| I would love to do this again. | ||
| That would have been a really fun time. | ||
| Goddamn time. | ||
| That's how I booked the ice house. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Super organized. | ||
| So, 31 days. | ||
| 80 days. | ||
| No nothing. | ||
| 80 days? | ||
| No nothing. | ||
| You said 80? | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So that's October 1st until December 30th. | |
| 40 days of yoga in that time. | ||
| No. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| No, I'll tell you. | ||
| Joe's negotiating like an agent right now. | ||
| No, hold on. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| I will tell you why I can't do that, because I don't want to lose who the fuck I am, which is like, I like to, I like... | ||
| Which is obesity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you need to find your truth, bro. | |
| You're saying you don't want to lose the party man image. | ||
| I will not go to that Impractical Jokers cruise with Big J, Ari, all those comics that I love, and not drink. | ||
| That's just silly. | ||
| I'm a grown-up. | ||
| I also make a lot of money, and I don't need to do the bet. | ||
| But I want to do the bet because I like the idea of the bet. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But I think 30 days, 31 days in October. | ||
| Of total sobriety? | ||
| Total sobriety. | ||
| I'll do total sobriety. | ||
| I want 70 days. | ||
| Hang on, Hank, can I get some Xanax in there? | ||
| 70. No, no, of course you cannot! | ||
| This is like Team America World Police when they showed the extra fuck scenes and the dude shit on the girl's chest and she shit on him and pissed on him. | ||
| They did that so they can cut other things. | ||
| I say this. | ||
| The only thing you can get are those chalk pills that help you deal with withdrawal. | ||
| Chalk. | ||
| No, I don't need to deal with... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, hold on, hold on. | |
| You will when you get the shakes. | ||
| You will when you get the shakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chalk. | |
| Oh, when you're withdrawing from pills or alcohol. | ||
| They have these... | ||
| Guys, guys, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They have these chalk pills. | ||
| Chalk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't need it. | |
| Coal? | ||
| Charcoal? | ||
| Oh, charcoal. | ||
| Charcoal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't need it. | |
| Get out the toxins to throw up. | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| I would say that's allowed because you're not going to get high off that. | ||
| That's going to save your life because you will die otherwise because you're unequipped to do this. | ||
| Do you remember the article I sent you? | ||
| You should write a will beforehand. | ||
| The article we read about you said that it's really not recommended to just quit cold turkey like that. | ||
| You should start now and get ready. | ||
| Or, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to write my eulogy with you in mind ahead of time. | ||
| He's in great shape and he can run a marathon easily and he can quit anytime he wants. | ||
| Wait, why won't you get withdrawals if you just quit like that? | ||
| Because I do it all the time. | ||
| But for like a moment. | ||
| No, you feel uncomfortable for a day where you're like, hold on, stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the last stretch you took? | |
| Five days stretch. | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| I don't know, a couple weeks ago. | ||
| No, really? | ||
| You did five weeks ago? | ||
| I did. | ||
| We have a thing in our house called unassisted sleeps. | ||
| That's when you go to sleep without drugs or alcohol. | ||
| No weed, no Xanax, no sleeping pill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have a thing. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ari. | ||
| I'm being real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to stop being real. | |
| I don't want to stop being real. | ||
| Yeah, okay, okay. | ||
| Yeah, we have a thing called unassisted sleeps. | ||
| Look, I think that's a great idea. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think more people need to learn how to relax. | ||
| Meditate. | ||
| Just go to bed. | ||
| Well, you can also do... | ||
| And your kids don't fall apart when they sleep like that? | ||
| You can get a hold of your own thoughts. | ||
| You can get a hold of your own thoughts, and it's a good practice to do that. | ||
| And if you just give your own thoughts to pills... | ||
| I mean, it'll work. | ||
| Maybe it won't work for everybody. | ||
| It works for some people. | ||
| But there's other ways to do it. | ||
| You can do it with your own mind. | ||
| You can relax yourself. | ||
| You can meditate. | ||
| Yeah, you can do it without that. | ||
| I mean, you can do it with that. | ||
| But there's other pathways that a lot of people that try the pills don't try. | ||
| And I wonder how many would be successful. | ||
| I mean, some people know. | ||
| Some people have real issues. | ||
| But with some people, I think they'd probably be just as, if not more, successful with meditating, relaxing, just trying to figure out a way to consciously dip yourself down into the place where you go to sleep. | ||
| I'd like that. | ||
| Are you going to try that? | ||
| No, I did five days and four unassisted sleeps. | ||
| This is what I'm thinking. | ||
| I'm thinking 30 days, you owe 15 days of hot yoga. | ||
| All of October. | ||
| 90 minute hot yoga classes. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking. | ||
| No booze, and then half the days. | ||
| So if you have one day on, you have one day off. | ||
| You owe, and if you miss them, then you have to make them up in a row. | ||
| But you have to do 15 days of hot yoga in a 30 day time period with no booze. | ||
| I can do that. | ||
| Why do you want to do the hot yoga? | ||
| Because I think it would be super beneficial for him. | ||
| I think you should do that. | ||
| And I think we'd clean him out, and it's fucking insanely difficult to do. | ||
| But he's going to fail on that and still detox. | ||
| No, he said 30 days. | ||
| All of October. | ||
| All you have to do is cut half the days, half of those 30, you have to do a yoga class. | ||
| Hot yoga, though. | ||
| Hot yoga, 90 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can do that. | |
| I went once, and I quit yoga. | ||
| Like, 40 minutes into an hour and 15 minute class. | ||
| I came back in, I took a 5 minute breather, I took a 5 minute breather, I came back in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because of how hot it was? | |
| Because it was hot, I was like, fuck, I'm out of it, I'm out of it. | ||
| Yeah, but you also, like, couldn't run a marathon, I could. | ||
| This is the first, stop it! | ||
| Stop it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, ridiculous claims. | |
| Oh, shit! | ||
| The tide has turned! | ||
| No, we all know no one would do that. | ||
| There's no way you would do it. | ||
| So wait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no way you could do 15, 90 minute yoga classes in a month? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| I don't do them all the time. | ||
| No, what I'm saying is, the thing about the yoga classes is, first of all, there's like a real set beginning and a set end. | ||
| There's no fudging. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be there. | ||
| You have to get it in. | ||
| And it's super difficult to do. | ||
| And I think it's one of the most beneficial mentally. | ||
| Wait, what if you quit in the middle? | ||
| Do you need a five minute breather? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| They tell you, the instructors say, go out and fucking breathe and come back in. | ||
| That's for the same people that they see those little packets they leave in the shoes. | ||
| They say, do not eat. | ||
| Those fucking retards. | ||
| But you should not eat! | ||
| You shouldn't eat, but you should know that you're not going to eat some shit you found on your shoe. | ||
| Just so you should know that if you're going to die, you should get out of the fucking yoga class. | ||
| So I'm saying you should be able to get out of there. | ||
| It's for morons and pussies. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Can you look up hot yoga deaths? | ||
| Let's look up hot yoga rapes. | ||
| There's a lot more of those. | ||
| When they die, they die. | ||
| This is the thing, dude. | ||
| You bring a cooler, bring one of those flasks. | ||
| They have these giant 64-ounce postures. | ||
| You do two sets. | ||
| At the end of two sets, you're allowed to have some water. | ||
| I would need three classes to take a five-minute breather. | ||
| Over that month, I would need three five-minute breathers. | ||
| You can take a breather and stay in the room. | ||
| You can take a breather and stay in the room. | ||
| You're supposed to breathe. | ||
| They tell you to breathe. | ||
| Yes, but you can breathe in the room. | ||
| Just stay in the room. | ||
| It's a mental thing. | ||
| You can get by it. | ||
| I left once, too. | ||
| A five-minute break? | ||
| Nope, you can't leave the room. | ||
| Then go back in? | ||
| Nope, stay in the room. | ||
| You what? | ||
| You can take a break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I left. | |
| I did it. | ||
| You left. | ||
| You left. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| No, you don't have to. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| I've stayed before, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I stay all the time. | ||
| You're not allowed to leave the place that I go. | ||
| Were you auditing the class or doing it? | ||
| Auditing? | ||
| What are you in college? | ||
| I can't imagine you in a hot yoga class. | ||
| The thing about this... | ||
| Your ice cream cones melting like quickies. | ||
| I could do what they have in New York. | ||
| I could do them. | ||
| This is a super measurable thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| It's not like something you could just not train for and then have to do at the very end. | ||
| This is not something like you could run a marathon and kind of like fucking half-ass it up to the time you got to run it. | ||
| This is like a sheer discipline issue. | ||
| What's good about this is it's going to cause you to absolutely be in a certain place for 15 days out of 30. You have to make those up. | ||
| Like, say if you fuck off for the first ten days, that means you gotta do a lot of days in a row. | ||
| Wait, would it be safe to do hot yoga four or five days in a row? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Because that's how I plan on doing it. | ||
| Are you peeing again, bro? | ||
| Please just go to the goddamn bathroom. | ||
| No! | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Just go to the bathroom. | ||
| We're so nasty. | ||
| We'll talk about nothing until you get back. | ||
| No, you won't talk about nothing. | ||
| We're in the middle of talking about the bed. | ||
| You're freaking me out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You keep peeing in these kombucha jars. | |
| You're so nasty. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| We're gonna talk about nonsensical bullshit. | ||
| Go to the bathroom. | ||
| Go to the bathroom, please. | ||
| And bring that goddamn kombucha with you, that jug of piss. | ||
| You're like pulling it off his desk with your fucking attitude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you! | |
| R, you're looking kind of ripped right now. | ||
| Ever since he got brought from Asia. | ||
| That's a six-pack. | ||
| That didn't look bad at all. | ||
| That's very legit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You almost look like Bert. | |
| You're looking good, like a good athlete, dude. | ||
| Dude, you're in great shape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the bird, Christ, your text. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mickey Mantle. | |
| Mickey Mantle. | ||
| That's my jeans right there. | ||
| That's the Mickey Mantle. | ||
| No, that looks like Ari, you fuck. | ||
| That doesn't look like you. | ||
| Ari's got a legit six-pack. | ||
| He does. | ||
| When he came back from yoga, or, uh, China. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yoga. | |
| Asia. | ||
| Say China. | ||
| Some shit I never understand, I never want to do. | ||
| Wait, do you think you can do this challenge? | ||
| Listen, I like this idea of 15 days of hot yoga. | ||
| It's hard to do, man. | ||
| 90 minute classes. | ||
| And he's going to do a marathon? | ||
| No, you don't have to do a marathon. | ||
| This would be a different thing. | ||
| The thing about this is he thinks he could run all the time. | ||
| He runs all the time. | ||
| But if you have to do this, this is going to be hard. | ||
| Running is easy for me because it's in my backyard. | ||
| This is going to be super good for your body. | ||
| And here's the other thing, too. | ||
| If you get in the middle of this and you feel like you can't do it anymore, you can relax. | ||
| You can just sit down, lie down, and just catch your grass. | ||
| In your class. | ||
| Yeah, in your class. | ||
| People do it all the time. | ||
| Like, advanced people do it all the time. | ||
| If you feel like you've overwhelmed yourself, maybe you tried too hard, you know, it's fucking hot in there. | ||
| It's 104 degrees, and you're doing, like, these really difficult bodyweight exercises. | ||
| When you're standing on one leg, you got one leg kicked back, and you got your both arms leaning forward, it's fucking difficult to do. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know, and when you're holding yourself in, like, weird positions. | ||
| Wow, that's a really, actually, interesting challenge. | ||
| It's pretty easy, not easy, pretty not hard-paced, I should say, to do a five-hour marathon. | ||
| So it's 11 minutes and 23 seconds per mile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's walking at like a 4.5. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| That's five minutes, but 11 minutes and 30 seconds per mile, you get it in six hours, or five hours. | ||
| Oh, that's 50K. Oh, 50K. Oh, that's right. | ||
| See, I mean, I know that we're all making fun of this, but a five-hour marathon is literally walking at a 4.5 on a treadmill. | ||
| No, but continuously. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| By the way, anyone can do it. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 11 miles an hour isn't walking on a treadmill. | ||
| It's walking. | ||
| It's not running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's not running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, but it's not a casual walk. | |
| No, it's a brisk walk. | ||
| It's a brisk walk. | ||
| I'll tell you, I saw my father speed walk the Marine Corps Marathon, and he did great for about... | ||
| 20 miles. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then it bottoms out. | ||
| I did when you did the thousandth episode. | ||
| I love these kind of things. | ||
| I love when I watched the Florida State game yesterday and got on the treadmill. | ||
| The way you watch boxing matches or fights when you work out. | ||
| I like a big event thing. | ||
| Like the ending of Game of Thrones. | ||
| And you guys were doing that three hour podcast and I literally said, I'm going to be running a marathon today. | ||
| I did not do it. | ||
| I did not do it only because- What did you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seven? | |
| I did twelve. | ||
| Twelve. | ||
| So a little less than half of a marathon. | ||
| But I was walking, and I- because Joey was so fucking funny, I would start laughing. | ||
| Like when you said he's changing colors, flavors. | ||
| Wait, that's great, actually. | ||
| He's the funniest human being that's ever lived. | ||
| He is. | ||
| But I started laughing so hard that I was like, I can't fucking run this. | ||
| I want to listen to it. | ||
| I want to be in the moment and just giggle. | ||
| Good excuse to stop running. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| And so I ended up doing 12 miles in the three hours. | ||
| If you ever do do the marathon, I hope there's a hype crew behind you go, just quit, Bert! | ||
| Just quit! | ||
| It's okay, you can rest. | ||
| Maybe we didn't get the wave. | ||
| What time do you think you could do it in? | ||
| Like, what would be a challenging time you think you could still do it in? | ||
| What, a marathon? | ||
| Yeah, I'm asking you. | ||
| 10-minute miles. | ||
| Tommy Buns has been planning. | ||
| He's been plotting something. | ||
| 10-minute miles, which is how long? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 10 minute mile. | ||
| If I could do 10 minute mile, that would be really fucking challenging. | ||
| By the way, I will say that the one that we just pulled up is still very challenging. | ||
| 422. What's 422? | ||
| 10 minute mile pace. | ||
| 422? | ||
| No way. | ||
| I 100% agree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guys, he's in great shape. | |
| There's not a chance. | ||
| There's not a chance. | ||
| You won't finish the marathon. | ||
| Unless you take about 14 hours. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| Taking long, long breaks for meals. | ||
| I think you could do it in under 14 hours. | ||
| But I think the over-under should be like high 13s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
13 hours? | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Walking casually, resting, seeing a movie in there. | ||
| I also want to know this. | ||
| Really resting. | ||
| Do you think you could do this time with no preparation, no training, just do it tomorrow? | ||
| The 10 minute miles? | ||
| Not tomorrow, but next week. | ||
| How much distance do you think you could run tomorrow? | ||
| The 18th? | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| I have two podcasts. | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How far do you think? | |
| How much distance do you think you can run? | ||
| How much could you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Today. | |
| God, this is the worst. | ||
| This is the reason I'll never quit drinking, because I love this feeling. | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| What? | ||
| Nerves? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I start crippling anxiety. | |
| I start crippling anxiety. | ||
| I'll say a thing. | ||
| A thing. | ||
| I'll say a number, and you guys tell me if... | ||
| What are you, Harry Potter? | ||
| No, we're bartering, we're bartering. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Easily, easily run a 5k. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A 5k? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Over, over, over I'm taking on that. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| Yeah, I could run a 10k, no problem. | ||
| That's 6.2 miles. | ||
| For sure, the pre-problems. | ||
| No. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| I could run. | ||
| I could run. | ||
| Not even hard. | ||
| And we're talking about no walking, right? | ||
| It's a straight up run. | ||
| Oh, straight up run? | ||
| I'm asking. | ||
| I got a system. | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| What's your system? | ||
| I like to... | ||
| Quitting? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| I like to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go for birthday! | |
| I like to run and then walk. | ||
| So that's all I've been doing because it's fun for me. | ||
| It helps me... | ||
| Run for a while, walk for a while. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Get it done. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't like this. | ||
| I'm sweating again. | ||
| I don't fucking like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How are you giving me when you're running? | |
| Do you think you can do 20 miles tomorrow? | ||
| Because that's 6.2 miles short of a... | ||
| I know he can. | ||
| No, no, for sure not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm his new hype man. | |
| I know he can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Absolutely not. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Uh-uh, uh-uh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope, nope, nope. | |
| I know he can. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| It'll be so anticlimactic. | ||
| Sun up to sun down, could I do 20 miles? | ||
| He finds a way. | ||
| 12 hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a long time. | |
| Yeah, 12 hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One running period. | |
| That's a pace for a 13 and a half hour marathon. | ||
| That's exactly what he was talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He finds a way, ladies and gentlemen. | |
| He finds a way. | ||
| By making it easier. | ||
| The only problem with tomorrow is I plan on partying at your house. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Let's go back to Joe's challenge. | ||
| I like health. | ||
| 30 days. | ||
| Word. | ||
| 31. All of October. | ||
| All of October. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| All of October. | ||
| Midnight to midnight. | ||
| Midnight. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm just putting it out there. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| No booze. | ||
| And let's do this. | ||
| And nothing else. | ||
| This might be cheesy, but let's make this communal so I can challenge people. | ||
| I can challenge people to go, Nate Bargatze, no booze. | ||
| Doug Stanhope, no booze. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That'd be tough for him. | |
| And let everyone, and have them commit to the ankle bracelet. | ||
| That's not happening I don't think if we're gonna do a Stanhope one we should find out whether or not you're gonna die and We should really invest in these charcoal pills. | ||
| Are you doing the full thing? | ||
| If they want to join in, they can join in. | ||
| I'll do no booze, I'll do the yoga, and then keep bringing them out. | ||
| We should be careful, though. | ||
| This is one thing that we have to be careful about. | ||
| Bert dying. | ||
| The reality. | ||
| The sheer reality. | ||
| What is the volume of alcohol that you consume on a daily basis? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Be honest. | ||
| We can quantify that. | ||
| Can I ask you a question? | ||
| Are you worried about the alcohol business going out? | ||
| I'm worried about the hit the economy is going to take. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| That is a concern. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, Bert. | |
| Let's go. | ||
| Would you like that joint again? | ||
| That's what I was thinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good call. | |
| We're going to Tommy's house in Speedos after this, Joe. | ||
| I wouldn't imagine anything else. | ||
| My quantity, and I'll be very candid about this, but once again, I want to be honest. | ||
| Don't talk when I hit this. | ||
| You made a fucking joke last time about that ankle bracelet, and I fucking finally got that feeling out of my throat. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So... | ||
| I'm so pissed not to hear that joke. | ||
| How much booze do you consume? | ||
| In a day. | ||
| What's your average day like? | ||
| Let's be real about this shit. | ||
| Pretend there's a flight. | ||
| No, let's not pretend it's a flight. | ||
| Let's give it flight days and non-flight days. | ||
| Let's have a regular day. | ||
| Let's pretend for some strange reason you're home for a month and you're not traveling at all. | ||
| No flying, driving. | ||
| If I'm home for a month, I'm not drinking. | ||
| If I'm home for a month, I would not drink. | ||
| No drinking. | ||
| Doing shows. | ||
| You do local shows, comedy store, ice house. | ||
| Okay, you're right. | ||
| If I went to the store and you were like, hey, let's have a drink, I'd have to have a drink. | ||
| I would be the starter of this. | ||
| I was not drinking one night. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no way you would come up to me and say, maybe I would. | |
| Joe, you want a drink? | ||
| Are you drinking right, Joe? | ||
| Joe, you're drinking right, right? | ||
| We're drinking? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Come on, you're drinking? | ||
| I'll drink if you're drinking. | ||
| Sure, okay. | ||
| If you're drinking, I'll drink. | ||
| Are we drinking? | ||
| Boys, are we drinking? | ||
| We're fucking drinking. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Everyone here's drinking and I'm not yet. | ||
| Yeah, let's start drinking. | ||
| Oh, you're not yet? | ||
| Let's all right. | ||
| Are we the only one here drinking? | ||
| Guys, you're going to give me anxiety if I'm the only one drinking. | ||
| Wow, that sounds so familiar. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Fuck, I'm going to be really high to see my kids. | ||
| Like, what's the actual... | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll be fine. | |
| What's that? | ||
| What is the actual consumption? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What's your average day for real? | ||
| Just the volume. | ||
| I'd say the average day. | ||
| I wouldn't start drinking. | ||
| Till you woke up. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Let's hear it. | ||
| My average day right now is on the road. | ||
| I have a drink. | ||
| I brush my teeth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I will drink. | ||
| I'll have my first sip of a drink. | ||
| The second I step on stage, I'll take a sip. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I do not drink that whole drink. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that have seen me live recently, and they can probably all attest that they're bummed out that I don't murder the drink on the first show. | ||
| You never drank fake drinks, though. | ||
| Never drink Frakeshinks. | ||
| They need to know that. | ||
| I remember, I'll call him out because I called him out on my podcast. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Attell. | ||
| When I worked with him in Hawaii, Miami. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| Miami, I'm funky. | ||
| I'm really high. | ||
| I am really high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, I was in England. | |
| I was in Hawaii. | ||
| I'm in Hawaii, Miami. | ||
| Miami in Hawaii. | ||
| I thought I was having a stroke. | ||
| How do you confuse those two? | ||
| Why do you think he didn't have a stroke? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He might have. | ||
| Attell didn't do real shot, and I was like, because he was my hero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I was like, yeah, he just, I was like, fuck. | ||
| But he doesn't drink. | ||
| He stopped drinking. | ||
| This is in 2004. How do you guys know when he stopped? | ||
| How do you know when he stopped? | ||
| What year did he stop? | ||
| Five years ago-ish? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's actually when Maren started his podcast. | ||
| Only because I know that Maren had him on, and he wasn't drinking, and he was eating Skittles. | ||
| That's more than that, then. | ||
| That's like eight years. | ||
| It's been a while, probably. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Taki's moving, I guess. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| I don't know what I was talking about. | ||
| I heard Marin is excellent in that new wrestling show on Netflix. | ||
| I've heard that too. | ||
| I've heard from a bunch of people that he kills it. | ||
| Yeah, I heard that too. | ||
| There's this female pro wrestling thing. | ||
| Glow is called the series. | ||
| And he's like a crazy manager character. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Apparently he kills it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's like the perfect role for him. | ||
| Dude, have you seen Ozarks? | ||
| He's super psyched. | ||
| Dude, don't talk to me about that. | ||
| I'm terrified. | ||
| I'm on episode three. | ||
| I'm freaking the fuck out. | ||
| Did you see the end of Game of Thrones? | ||
| Yes, I saw both. | ||
| There's too much good shit on. | ||
| When I was a kid, we had Starsky and Hutch, okay? | ||
| We had our TV made us dumber, and it was like eating cardboard. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| The difference between what people have today on TV, it's insane. | ||
| Game of Thrones, And Ozark. | ||
| Just those two. | ||
| Ozark is really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, it's so good. | |
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| You watch that first five minutes, first ten minutes of Ozarks, you're watching the whole season. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is so good, dude. | |
| Jason Bateman in that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fucking phenomenal. | |
| Oh, it's a serious show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| The casting of his wife is brilliant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Phenomenal. | |
| Brilliant. | ||
| By the way... | ||
| What is her name again? | ||
| What is the... | ||
| Laura Linney. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| Dude, this fucking show is so good. | ||
| You get so locked in, you're like, Jesus! | ||
| Like, it's just one of those shows where you're like, whoa. | ||
| The best comedy on streaming, no questions asked, Angie Tribeca. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you okay? | |
| It is, uh, it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, another stroke. | |
| You probably said her name wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Angie Tribeca. | |
| Angie Tribeca. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My name's Angie, I'm from Tribeca. | |
| It's Quincy Jones. | ||
| Or Angie Jones. | ||
| Rashida Jones? | ||
| Rashida Jones. | ||
| Ask Jamie, he's a prolifant user. | ||
| Rashida Jones, Deon Cole, that guy, and then Andre Vermillion. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| So it is the Naked Gun, but in a CSI Miami type show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's a comedy? | |
| Yeah, it's a Naked Gun, so it's like imagine if you saw a brand new Naked Gun or Airplane. | ||
| It is so fucking funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, and I watched it with my kids, and they'd never seen Airplane, so it's that introduction of Airplane or Naked Gun to them. | ||
| So they're going for big jokes like the whole time. | ||
| Yeah, everything. | ||
| It's just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It's really a great show. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| How did we get to that? | ||
| By Bert Pryor. | ||
| Have you seen Ozarks? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, okay, Game of Thrones, Ozark, and there's a new season of Narcos that's out, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I gotta see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gabriel's in it this year. | |
| There's more good television. | ||
| I watch Billions right now. | ||
| Don't you feel like it's hard for a movie to even work now? | ||
| Like, when you go to see movies? | ||
| Most movies are dumb. | ||
| Because they don't have time to develop. | ||
| You really gotta go for it, but then you've seen the same show on Netflix, the same show on HBO, the level of like, wow, this looks fucking gorgeous. | ||
| Well, they have this opportunity to stretch out these storylines. | ||
| That's the thing, you can really develop. | ||
| Game of Thrones, this season, was a fucking seven-hour movie. | ||
| Oh, so good. | ||
| And an amazing movie. | ||
| I've never watched it. | ||
| Oh, you've never watched it? | ||
| I've never watched it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like dragons. | |
| Hold on, hold on, stop. | ||
| I don't like... | ||
| Tommy, I will watch this. | ||
| I watched the pilot episode of Game of Thrones the other day. | ||
| Just on a lark, I was like, what's this? | ||
| I saw the finale and I was so into it. | ||
| Wait a minute, you started with the finale? | ||
| No, hold on. | ||
| Hold on a sec. | ||
| Did you just say that? | ||
| No, no one's listening to me. | ||
| This is all the fat in your head. | ||
| I watched the whole series, beginning to end. | ||
| With everyone else. | ||
| I watched the finale and I was so wrapped up in what was going on that I went on HBO Go and I clicked the pilot episode. | ||
| Dude, watch the pilot episode and you will say to yourself, oh shit, I get it. | ||
| Like all these things that were little plots that, how they got their direwolves. | ||
| I didn't know how they got their direwolves. | ||
| How did they get their direwolves? | ||
| They found a big elk that had been murdered and they couldn't figure out how it was murdered. | ||
| And then they went... | ||
| And they saw that the elk's horn had gone through a direwolf, and direwolves shouldn't be south of the wall, in Winterfeld. | ||
| And so, Jon Snow picked up four direwolves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cubs. | |
| Cubs. | ||
| And he said, she just had cubs, you should all have your cubs. | ||
| They should go to Ned Stark's children. | ||
| They should go to the Starks. | ||
| They're for Starks. | ||
| He gives them all to Dire Wolf. | ||
| And then the guy got his dick cut off. | ||
| He goes, you shouldn't get one. | ||
| You're a bastard. | ||
| This is your best story. | ||
| Yeah, this is like the machine. | ||
| You're watching him do that. | ||
| And then as they leave, they see a fucking runt one. | ||
| And they go, you should have this one. | ||
| You're the bastard. | ||
| You should have this one. | ||
| Dude, I feel like that was a book on tape. | ||
| That was pretty good, actually. | ||
| That was pretty good. | ||
| You guys are fucking murdering me. | ||
| That was pretty good. | ||
| You realize I'm going to be a fucking mess at your house. | ||
| My self-esteem is going to be fucked. | ||
| Dude, these guys are asshole. | ||
| You had me enthralled, man. | ||
| I was right there with you listening to this story. | ||
| I hated it so much. | ||
| I hated the last few minutes you've been alive and talking so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| I hate it. | ||
| Stop talking about it. | ||
| I fucking hate you. | ||
| I wish you would never feature for me at Last Unlimited. | ||
| And bomb so hard that I had to give them money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| If there is a tape of this bombing, it might be, it's so bad. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| It's so brutal. | ||
| What was the one time that you bombed so hard that you broke it down on your podcast? | ||
| What was that one? | ||
| That was Winnipeg. | ||
| By the way, this one's worse. | ||
| This one actually is worse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This one's worse because no one spoke. | ||
| Yeah, it's true bombing. | ||
| So it's just listening to someone monologue in a room of people where everyone's like... | ||
| Tommy, back at the time, used to have his hair a little longer and he'd feather it back, right? | ||
| But he was still balding. | ||
| It's the hiding of a balding man. | ||
| I bring him into the club. | ||
| I drive up with him. | ||
| I drive up with him to Sacramento. | ||
| I vouch for him. | ||
| This guy's fucking hilarious. | ||
| You're going to love him. | ||
| The manager, Leslie, is like, we had a feature booked. | ||
| I go, this guy is ten times funnier, trust me. | ||
| She goes, he better be. | ||
| He goes out, and his first joke flies out to nobody. | ||
| And everyone, and this girl, Leslie, walks right up to me, and she goes... | ||
| You said he was going to be funny. | ||
| And I see sweat forming on his brow, bubbling up. | ||
| And then I see his hair collapse to the side and start getting wet. | ||
| Tom looks skeptical. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's worse than he was describing. | ||
| It's worse. | ||
| I remember it was 2005. I opened on a rape joke. | ||
| And it was about Hurricane Katrina. | ||
| A Hurricane Katrina rape joke? | ||
| Yeah, because it was right after Katrina. | ||
| And they said that people were getting raped in the aftermath. | ||
| Yeah, the metrodome. | ||
| So I did this thing where I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The metrodome? | |
| I mean, what is it? | ||
| Got it. | ||
| Superdome. | ||
| The metrodome's what sits on a piano. | ||
| I made some type of joke like, hey, they say there's... | ||
| It was something like, they say people are getting raped! | ||
| In New Orleans, in the aftermath, nothing would turn me on seeing a dead body float by. | ||
| Some things like that, where I'm making fun of it. | ||
| But it wasn't a written joke. | ||
| It was just something that I said. | ||
| And then I insisted on doing it a second time. | ||
| And that's when the hair falls to the side and catches the sweat. | ||
| No, I did it. | ||
| I opened with it, and I bombed for 25 straight minutes. | ||
| Actually, 22. Because when I got off, she goes, why didn't you do 25? | ||
| And I was like, because... | ||
| I was dying. | ||
| And she was like, I pay you for 25. Oh my god. | ||
| And then I opened the second show on the same joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I ate equal shit for 25 minutes. | ||
| Why did you do it again? | ||
| I should say it was sold out. | ||
| So it was wall-to-wall packed. | ||
| Papered. | ||
| 300 people. | ||
| And I was just soaking wet. | ||
| I remember, what was the MC? Tommy? | ||
| Oh, yeah, Tom. | ||
| Oh, fuck, I'm so... | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Oh, Tom McLean. | ||
| Tom McLean. | ||
| You know you're eating shit when you're the feature act and you walk in the green room and the MC's like, oh, man, you fucking suck. | ||
| Like, I've never seen anyone eat shit like this in my life. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| By the way, this is a testament to Tom. | ||
| Usually if you brought a comic up and he bombed that hard, you'd be like, I'll never talk to this guy again. | ||
| Maybe he shouldn't be doing comedy. | ||
| Tom talking to me in the green room about his bombing or at the bar after. | ||
| I remember we drove home on that ride and I was like, oh, this is my new best friend. | ||
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
| I also remember that when we got back to LA, you go, you didn't talk much. | ||
| And I go, that's because you were talking. | ||
| Do you remember the time you were like... | ||
| Well, I talk about two different memories of an event. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, good. | ||
| Actually, I think I told you this before, but he saved my ass because I bombed so hard. | ||
| And think about a straight up 25 minute bomb, and then on the late show doing it exactly the same again. | ||
| No, you guys are wrong. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| Why did you do it? | ||
| I think I was convinced that I could make that stupid... | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| Like, I was like, I want to get it right, so I'm going to do it. | ||
| I'll show them I can do that right. | ||
| And by the way, the public is thinking, the similar thing is, Hurricane Harvey, right now. | ||
| People are all coming together, and you're making a fucking rape a dead body joke. | ||
| I wasn't encouraging it. | ||
| What did you adjust? | ||
| What did you adjust? | ||
| On the late show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably nothing. | |
| He just thought if he said it again, they'd get it. | ||
| He didn't sit down with it and go, let me try to pick this apart. | ||
| I was like, they were dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was also 2005. How many years have you been doing comedy? | ||
| It was my third year. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Damn, that's a slippery time, right? | ||
| Well, and then in the hotel room, I was like, man, this fucking... | ||
| Is this what it's gonna be like? | ||
| I really was fucked up over those two bombings. | ||
| That's how I messed up. | ||
| People quit sometimes. | ||
| I mean, it was pretty rough. | ||
| The next day was Saturday. | ||
| So that was Friday night. | ||
| Two epic bombings. | ||
| And then Saturday, the first show's about to start, and I can see these guys are eyeballing me. | ||
| Like, yo, man, this is... | ||
| Like, I'm gonna make a wish kid or something. | ||
| Like, you gotta... | ||
| Not me, not me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no, but then you came up to me, you go, can I give you one piece of advice? | |
| And then you drank, and then you were like... | ||
| You go, just open with a different joke. | ||
| Just do everything else you want to do the same. | ||
| Just open with a different joke. | ||
| And I go, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| And then it went... | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| But here's how shitty it was. | ||
| Like, that manager the night before was like, this is like, you really ate dog shit up there twice. | ||
| Like, I don't think, I mean, that is terrible. | ||
| Like, she was like reminding me. | ||
| And that next show, Saturday, was also full. | ||
| And it fucking, it was like an epic show. | ||
| It was like exactly what you'd want after a bombing like that. | ||
| And they had a curtain like this separating the showroom from the bar. | ||
| Like, not even a wall, just a curtain. | ||
| So after my set, he's on stage, I just open the curtain, and I go, well, nice recovery, right? | ||
| She goes, what happened? | ||
| I was back here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, you heard that shit. | |
| You fucking heard that. | ||
| You heard laughs, at least. | ||
| Of course, man. | ||
| She did the same shit to me the first time I featured there. | ||
| She criticized me, and then I... I did a good feature set. | ||
| She was like, I was like, what did you think? | ||
| She was like, didn't hear it. | ||
| And I was like, oh, fuck you. | ||
| You boys sound salty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a tough club to do. | ||
| I also got a bounce check for them. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Shout out to Steve Groves. | ||
| I'll say his name. | ||
| I bobbed once in South Carolina and went on a golfing trip with my college friends. | ||
| My high school friends, excuse me. | ||
| We went out there and I did a guest spot at the Coconut something in Charleston. | ||
| And then we were driving like a day later and some girls were like, you know, because it's a vacation town, they were like, ooh, like screaming at us. | ||
| And somebody's like, what are they saying? | ||
| And somebody's like, oh, there's that guy who bombed last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Because I didn't mention it when I got off stage. | ||
| It was like, let's go. | ||
| Oh, you want to hear a good bombing story? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Comedy Corner in Atlanta. | ||
| I had just done stand-up one time, and I signed up for the Comedy Corner in Atlanta because my girlfriend lived there. | ||
| Open mic night? | ||
| Open mic night. | ||
| I sign up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I show up. | |
| It's an all-black club. | ||
| But I'm unaware of the way open mic night works, so I buy tickets for me and her, and they sit us up front. | ||
| Two white people, the only two white people in the whole room. | ||
| First guy comes on stage and starts making fun of me and says, what's your name? | ||
| I said, it's Bert. | ||
| And they go nuts. | ||
| Oh, we're going to call you Bertie Bert. | ||
| We're going to give you a hood name. | ||
| It's Bertie Bert. | ||
| I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Bertie Bert's great. | ||
| And they make fun of me. | ||
| Every black comic that comes on makes fun of me for fucking ever. | ||
| Then he gets to the end of the show, and he's like, we got one more comic to come up. | ||
| Last comic of the evening, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Put your hands together for Burger. | ||
| Crouchy, Croucher, Croucher. | ||
| Oh wait, hold on. | ||
| And then he goes, oh wait! | ||
| Oh shit, it's Bertie Bert! | ||
| And the place goes fucking nuts. | ||
| This is the guy they've been fucking with the whole night. | ||
| And I get up on stage and I go, you guys ever jack off in a cheeseburger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh. | |
| And the guy they liked and were rooting for started sucking and they fucking lit me up on stage like I've never to this day been lit up and I had no comebacks. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Dude, they fucking went from love to hate in an instant with one joke. | ||
| How uncomfortable was it with your girlfriend after the show? | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Dude, that's it, down in Buckhead, we beelined out of that motherfucker, but the guy sitting next to her, we're like, aw, he suck! | ||
| He suck! | ||
| And what's she telling you, like, hey, you do suck? | ||
| Man, she was a good girlfriend, except for all the other stuff. | ||
| But she was the only one that got me into comedy. | ||
| What'd she say? | ||
| What'd she say? | ||
| Was she like, you were fine? | ||
| She was a little delusional about how good you had to be to do it. | ||
| She was like, yeah, you were great. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| You handled it well. | ||
| You were in a bad situation. | ||
| Shout out to Kristen Meddock. | ||
| She was pretty right with that analogy. | ||
| That's your second time ever on stage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Second time on stage at the Comedy Corner. | ||
| Wow, the confidence. | ||
| But no, because... | ||
| Invite somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, when they said, oh shit, it's Bertie Bert, the place went nuts. | |
| Oh, you had him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was the guy that they've been fucking with all night. | ||
| They love this guy. | ||
| Like if it was you today, you would just murder that crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You ever think about that? | ||
| Like getting in a time machine, letting these motherfuckers know what's up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Birdie Burt's back. | |
| Oh shit, it's Birdie Burt. | ||
| Man, I do weigh like 380 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's 379 if he's on nickel. | |
| Look at that fat motherfucker on stage. | ||
| He got fat feet. | ||
| I saw his fat feet. | ||
| What are you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a size 13, but not really. | |
| He's got a hobbit foot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a size 12 with fat ass feet. | |
| Can't run no marathon! | ||
| You got some extra room in front of your toe because your feet so fat. | ||
| Why didn't you touch my feet? | ||
| What do you think you can do and then afterwards we gotta go do decathlon if you can do this ridiculous thing that you probably can't do. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What? | ||
| By the way, I'm going to regret this part of my life. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I think I would like to challenge myself to the yoga and the not drinking, but I do want to incorporate it into us. | ||
| I liked having people to talk shit to on text. | ||
| And I know that you guys will be like, are you drinking tonight? | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| And we can accord people on the outside, but I don't know. | ||
| I think it should be... | ||
| I like the decathlon idea. | ||
| I don't have a problem trying to run a marathon. | ||
| But I do think... | ||
| Tom said he didn't like the idea to me personally because he was like, there's just no payoff. | ||
| We'll all for sure quit. | ||
| We'll all for sure quit. | ||
| So then what's the point? | ||
| It's so anticlimactic. | ||
| The weight loss challenge, or the non-drinking challenge you can keep up with. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think you can do that, but normal people could. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| People without problems. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| 90 days. | ||
| 91 days. | ||
| 30 days. | ||
| 91 days. | ||
| 30 days. | ||
| 92 days. | ||
| 75 days. | ||
| 32 days. | ||
| 30 days. | ||
| We're adding days. | ||
| 32 days. | ||
| 80 days. | ||
| Can I just add one thing of clarity? | ||
| Can I say you can't drink or be drunk during all of October? | ||
| He's like getting through his veins. | ||
| Good call, Ari. | ||
| That's a really good caveat. | ||
| If you're going to be fucking drunk the whole first night because you shouldn't be drinking for six hours. | ||
| Can we ask you this, though, seriously, for our own peace of mind? | ||
| Like, all jokes aside, we don't have to worry about withdrawal symptoms with you? | ||
| Charcoal pills. | ||
| Have them at your house. | ||
| Have them at your house. | ||
| You think that we would rest easy? | ||
| I say we don't do this unless you get the charcoal pills and have them at your house. | ||
| Well, I don't think that's good enough. | ||
| I mean, if you're really going through the shakes... | ||
| Guys, we're fine. | ||
| Can't believe we're having this conversation. | ||
| Can we have your doctor sign off on it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Guys, you can run a marathon easy, and he's in great shape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This should be no problem. | |
| I kind of hope I do die now. | ||
| No, I'm going to be fine. | ||
| I'll be fine. | ||
| Your actual doctor. | ||
| Not like fucking, I don't know, Craig Shoemaker. | ||
| No, all bullshit aside, like what... | ||
| What is the last day you didn't drink? | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| The other night. | ||
| Wait, we never even got to how much you drink normally. | ||
| Yeah, how much do you drink normally? | ||
| Yeah, you still didn't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's just do this. | |
| On a regular day. | ||
| On a regular day, then we'll do a travel day. | ||
| I'll just tell you a little story. | ||
| Tom, this is better than the Game of Thrones one. | ||
| Okay, but how much do you normally drink, though, for real? | ||
| Let's just do it. | ||
| Yeah, let's just stop with the stories. | ||
| Give us numbers. | ||
| No, I was about to... | ||
| Yesterday, we had a half a handle of Tito's, and we were going over to our friend's house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the Lord's Day, of course. | ||
| And I said, we should get a full bottle of Tito's, thinking that there would be more people there that would want Tito's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she said... | ||
| I'm being dead serious. | ||
| If you go through a half-handled Tito's, you have a legit problem. | ||
| Who said this? | ||
| Leanne. | ||
| And I still had an inch of Tito's when I came home last night. | ||
| So, like, that's... | ||
| After the problem. | ||
| But that's a lot of booze. | ||
| And after you cleared another handle? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| What's a handle? | ||
| It's the big thing. | ||
| I drank half of this at the party. | ||
| No, it's more than that. | ||
| A handle's more than that. | ||
| A handle's the one with the actual handle? | ||
| Yeah, it has a handle. | ||
| That's why they call it a handle, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When was the last time you didn't do that? | |
| A few days ago. | ||
| Wait, so... | ||
| A few days ago, what happened? | ||
| Did you drink at all? | ||
| No, I didn't drink at all. | ||
| 59 ounces? | ||
| Did you sleep through the day? | ||
| Look at that! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that! | |
| So essentially 30 ounces, so you drank... | ||
| Dude, you can play music on that. | ||
| I drank a quarter of a handle. | ||
| Dude, one shot of vodka is one and a half ounces. | ||
| So you're basically drinking like 50 ounces? | ||
| By the way, you're watching me drink right now and I'm buzzed. | ||
| And barely anything, by the way. | ||
| Yep, but I'm still buzzed. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That's an insane amount of booze you're talking about. | ||
| That much? | ||
| If that's real, what that guy's talking about? | ||
| No, no, don't bullshit him. | ||
| If you're talking about that jug of Tito's, if he can drink a half of one of those, that's insane. | ||
| I said a quarter. | ||
| I said a quarter. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hang on one second. | ||
| I can also drink a half of one. | ||
| I think it's going unnoted that it's also scotch. | ||
| A quarter is 20 shots, man. | ||
| Or 15 shots. | ||
| 35 shots and a handle. | ||
| There's 35 shots and a handle. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So half of that's 15 shots. | ||
| I'm drinking 7 shots. | ||
| 7 shots is a lot of booze. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| I'm throwing up on 7 shots. | ||
| I am barfing. | ||
| If I have 7 shots over 3 hours... | ||
| That thing in the middle, 60 shots or 35 shots is 1.5 ounces. | ||
| I'm saying if I drank that much I'd for sure barf. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| You're actually right. | ||
| I feel like... | ||
| I don't want this to get away from anyone. | ||
| What about on a flying day? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Once again. | ||
| Once again. | ||
| I'm being dead serious. | ||
| You guys are my friends. | ||
| Yeah, we love you, man. | ||
| Legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll be honest. | ||
| But let's not go fucking overboard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we're going to make jokes, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't stop us from making jokes. | |
| We're crazy enough we've never heard of. | ||
| I just want people listening to remember I like you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| We like you, too. | ||
| You guys are like, okay, here we go. | ||
| We think it's funny. | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| So we'll just show an average flight is at 7 a.m. | ||
| Bars aren't open. | ||
| I bring four bottles of Tito, little baby bottles, in my bag. | ||
| How do you get them in your bag? | ||
| Let me just tell you guys. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I pack them in the side. | ||
| You're allowed to travel with up to eight. | ||
| In your bag that you check or the bag that you carry on? | ||
| You can bring on eight. | ||
| I'll bring eight to Singapore. | ||
| You're allowed eight so you bring eight. | ||
| I thought you couldn't bring liquid on a plane. | ||
| No, no, it's small doses. | ||
| Yeah, you're totally allowed to. | ||
| Like liquid drinks? | ||
| Little tiny baby shots. | ||
| The size of your lighter. | ||
| I'm saying I trust the expert on that. | ||
| I'm stunned. | ||
| You think only Joe's? | ||
| I thought you couldn't bring like a drink. | ||
| I think the thing is that like if you walk through with this and a little bit... | ||
| They say no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They say no way. | |
| Sealed. | ||
| It's that he has a small bottle with a small amount of that volume. | ||
| And sealed. | ||
| But also an obvious drinking problem. | ||
| So they must at that point look at him and go, yeah, okay, sure, yeah, you need this beer medicine. | ||
| But he's bringing in eight of those little bottles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| That's a crazy number. | ||
| But you put those in your bag, but you've also made a drink before you left the house, right? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| We're talking my worst travel day, and this is on the reg on a Sunday when I fly home. | ||
| No, I want an average day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's start with a bad day and then we'll work our way back. | |
| Get to the airport. | ||
| Don't eat anything. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because there's nothing healthy to eat at an airport. | ||
| But I'm still concerned with my food intake, so I won't have an egg sandwich. | ||
| Why would you want all that protein? | ||
| Okay, I guess it's better than eating it, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you get to the airport? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get through security? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And then what do you do? | ||
| I go find a place. | ||
| I scout the food court for who has styrofoam cups. | ||
| Because if you have paper cups, the vodka will cut the seam in your drink and it'll collapse on your lap sometimes. | ||
| So I scout a place for styrofoam cups. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Or plastic cups. | ||
| McDonald's. | ||
| Shout out to McDonald's. | ||
| Go over, say, hey, can I get an orange juice and a big 32-ounce cup of ice? | ||
| And then I go into the bathroom, I pretend to take a shit, I crack four... | ||
| Sounds like a proud guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crack the four bottles, pour them in the cup, pour the orange juice in. | ||
| Do you take your pants off while you're doing this? | ||
| You got it. | ||
| So then you pour the orange juice? | ||
| I do. | ||
| You don't take a dump while you're doing this. | ||
| I take the four... | ||
| Sometimes, if it's there, it's there. | ||
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| Why avoid a dump if you're in position to take a dump? | ||
| You're already naked. | ||
| Sadness. | ||
| I get so excited when I sit down and it's a warm toilet. | ||
| How long does it take you to get through that drink? | ||
| I don't drink it. | ||
| Wait, so you pour them all in? | ||
| Pour four in, and then go to the airplane and just wait. | ||
| Now, for me, personally, my anxiety is cut in half because I know I have a cocktail if I need one. | ||
| And then I get on the plane, I sip it, and I pass out. | ||
| And you generally don't drink those other four? | ||
| He drank them all. | ||
| Maybe I do. | ||
| He had eight. | ||
| No, no, I just drink four. | ||
| Because I want four for the flight home. | ||
| For safety? | ||
| For the flight home. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| These rituals are like, I'm sure, I mean... | ||
| So that's going to be a really tough part of this. | ||
| When was the last time you flew sober? | ||
| One year ago. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Where'd you fly? | ||
| Phoenix. | ||
| Not a big flight, but I talked to your wife about it. | ||
| What I'd noticed is if I did a row of unassisted sleeps, and then the night before the flight took a Xanax, at like 5, then when I woke up, the Xanax was effectively still in my system, and there was no panic. | ||
| And I flew, I think, to Minnesota sober, and back sober, and I was like, whoa. | ||
| And then I did Phoenix, and then I did the Hot Wings thing, Hot Wings Challenge, and the next night I was like, my stomach's fucked, I was in panic, and I drank. | ||
| What's the panic from? | ||
| I think that's how my brain works. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What are you center on? | ||
| Part of me thinks it's from doing ecstasy in college. | ||
| But what are you center on? | ||
| Is it a fright? | ||
| Solid. | ||
| Is it a fright or just overall panic? | ||
| It's more like a dread. | ||
| It's anxiety, right? | ||
| Of being up in the air? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dread. | |
| Of the fact that I can't get out and that it might explode at any second and I can't stop that and then I just, like right now, right now you're going to blow up. | ||
| Right now you're going to blow up. | ||
| You had that thought a lot? | ||
| If I'm sober, man, on a flight, I cry sometimes. | ||
| Like, legit cry, so I have to bring sunglasses on. | ||
| Dude, I am so ritualistic on airplanes, you have no fucking idea. | ||
| I have to drink, I have to have a cocktail when I get on the plane, because if I don't have it, then I start panicking. | ||
| I can't take a Xanax because sometimes you get delayed and then you're just fucking... | ||
| How much will you drink on that flight to Singapore, you think? | ||
| Those flights aren't super bad. | ||
| They're not as bad for you? | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| Have you ever thought about trying to manage the way your mind thinks about things? | ||
| Instead of thinking about medicating it, just try to put yourself in a position where you try to manage your paranoia or your thoughts. | ||
| As they're coming in, just sort of reject them and use some meditation techniques to relax. | ||
| But what have you ever done meditation-wise? | ||
| I haven't done TM, and everyone suggested TM. Transcendental Meditation. | ||
| That's a weird one, right? | ||
| A lot of people think that's very cultish. | ||
| There was a lot of criticism of that, but I know a lot of super successful people use that. | ||
| There's a lot of weird articles on meditation. | ||
| People get, like, they get weird about other people trying to be enlightened. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| Like, people start shitting on people, like, mindfulness is bullshit. | ||
| Like, okay, are you sure? | ||
| Are you sure it's bullshit? | ||
| Because it seems like if you're writing mindfulness is bullshit, like, for you, it's probably bullshit. | ||
| Because you're writing a fucking article on people trying to look at things objectively with clarity. | ||
| And be in the moment instead of be scattered and cast about by the momentum of their past and all the things happening around them where it takes them out of control. | ||
| The idea is to try to be in the moment. | ||
| How could that be bullshit? | ||
| It can't be. | ||
| It literally can't be bullshit because you're trying to just be an easier person to deal with, get through life smoother. | ||
| It makes me like people of faith. | ||
| I would love to have faith. | ||
| I say this sometimes on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd love to have faith. | |
| There's great benefits to religious beliefs as long as they're positive religious beliefs. | ||
| If you could have a perfect religion, like a religion that didn't have all the contradictions and hypocrisy and crazy shit about killing people to wear two different types of cloth or any of the weird shit that is in any ancient text that gets translated into modern times. | ||
| If you could create something that gave you a rock-solid, sensible ethic that was based on science and the reality is what we know and how vulnerable we really are and how big the universe really is. | ||
| If somebody could rewrite something where they weren't trying to control people with it, they weren't asking for donations, they were just trying to set out a way to look at the world in a clear framework that's open to all possibilities but allows you to move through this Time and space in the most harmonious manner with our fellow brothers and sisters. | ||
| That's what we're all missing. | ||
| Because we're too smart for the old stupid shit about people walking on water and coming back from the dead. | ||
| People are like, look, maybe it's an allegory, maybe it's a parable, maybe it's based on some ancient story that means something different, but we lost it all in the translation. | ||
| We need something else. | ||
| Because we're too open-ended. | ||
| And people get, like, super concerned with it not meaning anything ultimately at the end. | ||
| But what it means for sure something is right now. | ||
| If you have good friends, if you enjoy your life, then it means something for sure for right now. | ||
| There's no denying that. | ||
| Like, in the moment, it means something. | ||
| You could be a nihilist, you could be, you know, you have this fatalistic view of the future, but if you look at the moment right now, it always means something. | ||
| It always means something to be enjoying yourself. | ||
| That's all you have. | ||
| You definitely said some things that align with Buddhism, though. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Stay in the now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is all connected together. | ||
| People have had all these ideas for thousands of years where they realized moments in their life where they got it right. | ||
| There's moments in your life where you have a near-death experience, you almost get run over by a buffalo or something like that, and you just stand there looking at each other, and it all makes sense. | ||
| What matters is love and friendship and the moment, the life that you're experiencing right now. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is cool right now. | ||
| Remember that time you didn't drink for five days? | ||
| That was a long time ago, but it's probably the way I remember riding a bike for the first time. | ||
| By the way, hey, can I tell you something? | ||
| Once again, we're in secret time here. | ||
| The last time I didn't drink for a long stretch, I had this moment of clarity where I went, I haven't made a lot of decisions as an adult sober. | ||
| Like, I didn't pick to get into stand-up sober. | ||
| I was the number one party in the country. | ||
| I just fucking moved to New York. | ||
| We do believe those rankings. | ||
| Do you think there's no one out there that was fucking doing it up at the University of Detroit? | ||
| That a party animal? | ||
| That was just off the chain. | ||
| Rowland Stone never got to me, motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, Marty Burton, Rowland Stone never contacted me. | |
| You might be in Detroit laying it down, gin and juicing these motherfuckers into a coma. | ||
| Up for days. | ||
| Up for days. | ||
| There's definitely some maniacs out there. | ||
| There's a guy named Colin who lit a bowl one time and was so high he passed out and the bowl landed on his cheek and it burned a half moon in his cheek. | ||
| What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done the way you fell asleep? | ||
| I can tell you one more. | ||
| I did it awake. | ||
| Awake? | ||
| Sober. | ||
| Have you ever gone down on a girl and fell asleep on her pussy? | ||
| No way. | ||
| No. | ||
| You have? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Do you have narcolepsy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Does she have a boring pussy? | ||
| She had a fantastic. | ||
| It was wonderful. | ||
| But I was delivering newspapers. | ||
| He was flipping through her pussy like it was gone with the wind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was delivering newspapers in the morning. | |
| And I was doing stand-up at night. | ||
| So I was getting up every morning at like 5 o'clock in the morning and I was working every night. | ||
| And then during the day I would work too. | ||
| I'd do a bunch of different shit during the day. | ||
| Just try to pay my bills. | ||
| I was always tired. | ||
| I was always tired. | ||
| I was working for a private investigator. | ||
| That was like a lot of what I did. | ||
| I was driving around this private investigator. | ||
| Like following people? | ||
| Yeah, it was a lot of insurance cases and shit like that. | ||
| But meanwhile, I was always tired. | ||
| Like so tired. | ||
| And one time I was going down and I just fucking conked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fell asleep. | |
| What did she do? | ||
| What did she do? | ||
| She got so mad. | ||
| She got so mad. | ||
| And I'm like, do you think I wanted to do that? | ||
| Like, I'm not happy to be that tired. | ||
| It's not like you're boring. | ||
| Like, I'm breaking myself. | ||
| Yeah, you broke down. | ||
| I'm breaking myself. | ||
| I'm working out. | ||
| I was still kickboxing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| I was getting up in the morning. | ||
| I was delivering newspapers. | ||
| Somebody falling asleep on your dick. | ||
| I was working for a private investigator all day, then I was getting to the gym, then I was sparring, then after I was sparring, then I was going out and doing stand-up, and after I was doing stand-up, then I'd go over to the house and eat pussy. | ||
| Sometimes I'd just blackout. | ||
| And she was like halfway to coming, she could feel the horizon coming, and I was like, wait, what? | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| She probably got so mad at me. | ||
| I was only 21, or whatever it was. | ||
| I went down on a girl with gum in my mouth once. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Just like, gum in there. | ||
| Sometimes it happens. | ||
| You gotta put ice in her post. | ||
| Try to get out there with peanut butter. | ||
| I fell asleep, like, you know, like, college, like, after making out, but, like, you're still, like, cuddling? | ||
| And I start snoring. | ||
| And she was like, fuck this shit. | ||
| We thought, like, you know. | ||
| I've had them snore. | ||
| How much time do we have left? | ||
| What is this bet? | ||
| What is this bet? | ||
| Yeah, we gotta do the bet. | ||
| We gotta do this, man. | ||
| And you gotta tell them to come over. | ||
| It's definitely sober. | ||
| Sober for October. | ||
| That means not drunk, not drinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, that's sober. | |
| That's catchy as fuck. | ||
| That's catchy as fuck. | ||
| I did not do it on purpose. | ||
| Sober for October. | ||
| Oh, that is great. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| That's what I just said. | ||
| I came up with it. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Yeah, but it really sounds like a t-shirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sober in October. | ||
| I'm sure it's already been bought. | ||
| No, you guys need to make a t-shirt. | ||
| Sober in October. | ||
| Sober in October. | ||
| Sell it at yourmomshouse.com. | ||
| I would never wear that t-shirt. | ||
| Since he's the one who didn't come up with it. | ||
| I'll sell it. | ||
| Put it on your podcast. | ||
| I'm better at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll sell it. | |
| Can you have Sober in October with an outline of that picture of Bert with the obese lying there? | ||
| That outline of him. | ||
| Oh, that's so rude. | ||
| Sober in October. | ||
| Sell it to Bert, Bert, Bert. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Is that a website? | ||
| There's Sober for October? | ||
| I'm sure there is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| How about October? | ||
| How about October? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddammit. | |
| These guys are like... | ||
| They're good. | ||
| Let's just add to them. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Raise money for cancer support? | ||
| No, fuck them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or... | |
| Get drunk and party. | ||
| What the fuck's wrong with you? | ||
| How about we do Burt Sober in October. | ||
| No one's got that. | ||
| No, listen, you can have a t-shirt that says Sober for October. | ||
| I'm sure they don't have a copyright on that phrase. | ||
| They're available right now at MomsHouse.com. | ||
| If they have a website, and that's what they do, they actually might get a copyright. | ||
| Go to ThompsonGore.com. | ||
| You can get those shirts. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That's why they get websites. | ||
| No one gets a website. | ||
| I had to buy a bunch of stuff. | ||
| Do you know that somebody made, like, not at our prompting, made burntchrysler.com? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Once we just said it, it's already out there. | ||
| It's not good either. | ||
| Someone do not get... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Give the guy a little slack. | ||
| He's probably not a professional. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I mean, it's not good for burnt. | ||
| Yeah, the guy did a great job. | ||
| Old burnt here gets roasted. | ||
| And they're all fatter than me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You meet them, right? | ||
| Yeah, I meet them. | ||
| Hold on, Joe. | ||
| They're all fatter than me. | ||
| And you see their moms, and their moms are fucking obese. | ||
| Like, 400 pounds. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, you're a fat fuck. | ||
| And you were like, at the time, you were like, I'm in the same category as you, medically. | ||
| Medically, yeah. | ||
| Medically, I was. | ||
| Did you ever consider the possibility that those people are like tests given to you by the universe to see if you can navigate the waters of stupidity without... | ||
| Barely getting wet. | ||
| You can't get that bad. | ||
| Just skirt around them with like a keto, like an old Steven Seagal demonstration video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish. | |
| Move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just glide. | |
| I don't like competition, so I just go, yeah, I'm a fat fuck. | ||
| Just glide past those people. | ||
| No, you're better now. | ||
| I think if we weighed you, and we will at Tom's, you'll be less than you were during the weigh-in challenge. | ||
| I drank a lot of Tito's and soda. | ||
| Okay, you gotta piss a few times. | ||
| Sober in October. | ||
| Bert's sober in October. | ||
| We'll get that tight. | ||
| Jamie, will you buy that real quick? | ||
| Bert's sober in October. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Someone got it. | ||
| So wait, wait. | ||
| Whoever just bought it, send it to me and Tom. | ||
| You go sober for October. | ||
| No pills, no anything. | ||
| Step charcoal pills if you need them, which you will. | ||
| Yeah, DTs are serious. | ||
| And your doctor's note. | ||
| We need a doctor's note. | ||
| We need to know a real number, like how many drinks you drink a day. | ||
| We never got to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait. | |
| What's the physical on top of this, though? | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| Four shots of vodka. | ||
| And then when you land, you get more? | ||
| How many drinks do you have on a normal day? | ||
| Today's what? | ||
| Monday. | ||
| A normal Monday. | ||
| Today's not normal. | ||
| I'll tell you right now. | ||
| It's Labor Day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're going to get drunk. | ||
| I know that if I smoke weed, my alcohol intake disappears entirely and I start slowing down. | ||
| Hence, a three-hour conversation. | ||
| I've only had that. | ||
| That's not a lot. | ||
| That's not a lot. | ||
| And a few sips of your scotch, but I didn't like it. | ||
| So I went back to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't like scotch. | ||
| It reminds me of medicine. | ||
| So fucking rude. | ||
| And so I know that if I go to Tommy's, I'm going to loosen up. | ||
| And we're going to throw on Speedos. | ||
| We're all getting in the pool. | ||
| And then I wouldn't be shocked if I killed this whole bottle today, in one day. | ||
| I don't think anyone would be shocked. | ||
| Alright, what else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Shocked is not a thing that came up in that conversation. | ||
| And so what I'll do is I'll wean myself. | ||
| I will wean myself from booze. | ||
| But you never give us a number. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How many a day? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| How many drinks a day? | ||
| How many drinks is that? | ||
| How many drinks? | ||
| If you were at a bar and you were at a single drink, you know how many out. | ||
| How many drinks is that? | ||
| I get double Tito's of soda in the tall glass. | ||
| How many? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| The number of drinks. | ||
| If you're hanging out at a bar, let's say you're at a bar. | ||
| Double Tito's is two drinks. | ||
| I'm not playing dumb. | ||
| I'm not playing dumb. | ||
| I'm afraid to be honest. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| We won't make fun of you. | ||
| Probably get like six. | ||
| Would definitely be like a very comfortable number. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What do you mean comfortable? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Six doubles. | |
| And a bartender's poor. | ||
| Comfortable number? | ||
| You mean like, that's, you know, whatever. | ||
| That's me not lying. | ||
| And are you hammered at the end of that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But by the way, now, if I drink... | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Hold on, slow down. | ||
| If I drink at, say, where did I just have weed? | ||
| Wherever I just have weed, in Arizona, or Denver, I would have two, smoke weed, and then I have two more and I go to bed. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So four. | ||
| Still a lot. | ||
| Still a lot. | ||
| Still like, hey, I'm partying tonight. | ||
| By the way, Stanhope, I mean, I'm trying to be as honest with you guys. | ||
| Here comes Bert, pushing Stanhope. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, he's under the bus. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm super honest with you guys. | ||
| I'm being honest. | ||
| But when talking to Stan Hope, I do this... | ||
| We did this in a podcast? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Stan Hope and I were super honest about her alcohol intake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| And what'd he say? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| We were drunk. | ||
| It was super important. | ||
| I forgot immediately. | ||
| Stanhope. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what. | ||
| One of the most beautiful things that Stanhope and I said is people go, oh, yeah, I quit drinking. | ||
| I like getting a good night's sleep. | ||
| And I was told Stanhope. | ||
| He's like, isn't that ridiculous? | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| I want to quit drinking so I can use chopsticks in the morning. | ||
| Like, eating sushi, sashimi in the morning at 11 a.m. | ||
| after you've partied hard. | ||
| It's not doable. | ||
| Yeah, it's a little bit of a struggle, but I'd definitely say it would be doable. | ||
| What are you doing to your hands? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trying to operate fucking chopsticks. | |
| I've had the shakes. | ||
| There's no question you have a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But what the question now is, what the bet's going to be, and how we can have fun moving forward. | |
| Let's ask him if he thinks that's a true statement. | ||
| Is that a true statement? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Legit, right now, right now, I'm... | ||
| We've talked about this a bunch, but I'm pushing myself way too hard than I have the capability to do. | ||
| Okay, this is what I think we should do. | ||
| What I think we should do, in all earnestness, it's like we haven't even... | ||
| We're in September, right? | ||
| What is September 4th today? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Why don't we give ourselves a week, and we can do this again, and sit down and see what you think. | ||
| About whether or not you could wean yourself off slowly or whether you even want to do it. | ||
| I do, I do. | ||
| And by the way, I can. | ||
| But I really want you to think about it. | ||
| Because I think you could either decide to not and just live your life the way you're living, which is obviously very successful. | ||
| People love to see you party with them. | ||
| I mean, it's a big part of the fun that you're having, you're enjoying with your stand-up comedy career. | ||
| But legitimately, as friends, when you see someone who's taking in that much alcohol, you start getting nervous. | ||
| And you start getting like, okay, how long can you do that? | ||
| That's tricky. | ||
| That's super dangerous. | ||
| It's not dangerous. | ||
| It really isn't. | ||
| Bird, it's dangerous to have 12 drinks a day. | ||
| Hold on, but I'm... | ||
| Oh, man, this is why I don't want to fucking be honest. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You're taking the fun out of this. | ||
| Listen, I'm sorry. | ||
| No, I'm not taking the fun out of it, but I'm saying that if you do that all the time... | ||
| This is turning into an intervention. | ||
| This is turning into the sad shit you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to. | |
| I'm just being honest. | ||
| I'm being honest about that number. | ||
| No, but one thing that you have to admit is a fair thing is you do see that... | ||
| Let's say if you're examining... | ||
| Let's say your last week. | ||
| You realize that that pace could not continue forever. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's also no one in this room could keep up with you. | ||
| No one could keep up with you. | ||
| I tried once. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| I took two naps last time I met with you. | ||
| I can't even come close to keeping up with you. | ||
| We talk about it all the time. | ||
| Like, how the fuck does he do it? | ||
| But this is the opposite of what I wanted out of this. | ||
| I think this turns into like, people go, oh shit, he's really got a problem. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But no, that's what it's turning into. | ||
| Listen to me, Joe. | ||
| I think you're overreacting. | ||
| What I'm saying is you could live your life the way you're living it right now. | ||
| And you're obviously enjoying yourself. | ||
| Or, I don't know if you think you have a problem or if you feel like you have a problem. | ||
| And I don't want to make any judgment whatsoever. | ||
| I literally want you to act... | ||
| The way you feel. | ||
| Because you could Hunter S. Thompson this thing right into the grave and a lot of people have done it and they probably had a better life than people that have lived sober and regretful and deep and melancholy states of mind until, you know, their fucking body shuts down. | ||
| I don't know what's better. | ||
| I don't know if a short life filled with partying is better than a long life of meditating and wearing an orange robe. | ||
| I mean, there's a real good argument that it's not. | ||
| There's a real good argument that the party life is a better life. | ||
| But what I think about any type of situation like this is I don't want to... | ||
| Change the way you think. | ||
| I want you to do whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
| That's why I said to Ari in the car, I was like, I can't do 90 days. | ||
| It's not the way my brain operates. | ||
| It's not the way my brain operates because... | ||
| Do you think though, but I'm sorry to interrupt you, but this is really important. | ||
| Do you think that it's possible that once you got into it, and once you were in 20 days deep and you realized you can feel better every day... | ||
| Yeah, I bet you keep going at that point, right? | ||
| You could. | ||
| I think the hardest part, Bert, is going to get out of the first 10 to 15. I'm not a fucking doctor. | ||
| I don't know what it's like when people have withdrawal from alcohol. | ||
| You're 100% right. | ||
| The hardest part... | ||
| 15 days or so, right? | ||
| The hardest part will be Sunday morning in the D.C. airport. | ||
| That'll be the hardest part. | ||
| And by the way, by the way... | ||
| I've definitely done this. | ||
| I've definitely not drank for fucking five days. | ||
| It's totally doable, and I'm not going to die. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| We're a little worried about you and your body freaking out. | ||
| You have to admit that the concern for that, I don't think you're going to die, but having the thought like, hey, my friend who drinks like 80 drinks a day is going to stop drinking. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| As a friend, you go like, is that a safe thing to do? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Honestly, I don't think you got the shakes. | ||
| I think you'll just drink again. | ||
| Because there's no way he could do fucking 30 days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This is what I think. | ||
| I think that if he can get past a certain number of hours, the longer you can get past this, there's like... | ||
| Six hours. | ||
| No, this is really what it's like. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| This is really what it's like. | ||
| It's like gravity. | ||
| It's like when you're closer to the planet Earth, there's a lot more gravity, and you've got to get further and further and further, and once you do, you can be free. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| You have to get away from the gravity of alcoholism. | ||
| You are right. | ||
| Because you're clearly wrapped up in it. | ||
| I wouldn't say alcoholism because I don't... | ||
| Only because when you're real... | ||
| Okay, let's call it Moomajumba Babu. | ||
| You've got to get away from Moomajumba Babu and figure out a way to not need alcohol every day. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you want to call it. | ||
| I think you can do this. | ||
| I think you can do it. | ||
| But I think it's a good challenge. | ||
| We're down to 60 days completely. | ||
| 30 days. | ||
| 31 days. | ||
| 75 days are bust. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| Just keep it rocking in the free world. | ||
| No, Burt... | ||
| Okay, if you can do October, we're going to do... | ||
| It's Sober Berber. | ||
| We're Sober October November. | ||
| Sober Berber. | ||
| So, are you participating? | ||
| Like, are you doing it at the same time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you won't do it. | |
| I don't have a problem. | ||
| I enjoy drinking once in a while. | ||
| Because that's what alcoholics say. | ||
| Go ahead, keep saying it. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| I like getting drunk. | ||
| But is that how you make it, you know, or is it... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll do it. | |
| It'll be unenjoyable for me. | ||
| It's going to be unenjoyable for me. | ||
| Listen, I'll do it. | ||
| It's super easy, though. | ||
| Yeah, I'll do it. | ||
| I could easily do it. | ||
| Do you feel like we're picking on you? | ||
| Because that's what I really wanted to make sure we avoided. | ||
| It got serious for a second. | ||
| It got serious for a second. | ||
| I wanted to get the strongest amount of mocking of you possible without hurting your feelings. | ||
| That's what we're going for. | ||
| First of all, here's my... | ||
| Look. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Burt, Jamie, can you get more ice? | ||
| Everybody loves you. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| I understand that, but that's not... | ||
| We both know... | ||
| If you need a shoulder to cry, I can put my t-shirt on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| We both know that when we did this fat shaming shit, it got out of control like this. | ||
| Out of control. | ||
| It got out of control? | ||
| Meaning, like, there was a point where we were like, hey, you know I like you, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| And that's what Joe just said, and I... Need that. | ||
| I've had... | ||
| Real moments with every single one of you, and I know you're my friends. | ||
| I know that you don't talk behind my back. | ||
| All this shit that bad friends do, I know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up, Tom. | |
| But like, there is a part of me that goes like... | ||
| Especially if you do something stupid, we keep our mouths shut. | ||
| I have talked about you behind your back, but I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking cunt. | |
| No one ever talks about you. | ||
| You fucking assholes. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| If it gets to the point where we can't mock each other, I just don't want to be here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It does totally openly mock. | ||
| Sometimes you're the guy being mocked, and you're like, hey, everyone likes me, right, guys? | ||
| I'm still fun. | ||
| We love you, dude. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| You're the best, baddest drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| If you stop drinking, you could lose 15, 20 more minutes. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| If you really do this, man, you will really trim down. | ||
| It's going to be nuts. | ||
| Actually, it will ruin your brand. | ||
| Burt will win marathons. | ||
| He will win marathons. | ||
| Because he will weigh 148 pounds. | ||
| I said you will have your shirt off on stage and you'll have the shivers from being so fucking cold and thin. | ||
| It's going to be weird. | ||
| They're not going to be happy when you take your shirt off and you've got a six pack. | ||
| No. | ||
| You shred it and you've got lats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you do this, oh, I've got to stretch my back. | |
| Hit him with that side lat. | ||
| Hit him with that side lat. | ||
| So my dad lives in Florida, which is down there! | ||
| 45! | ||
| So wait, this sounds like, though, it's just a Burt challenge. | ||
| Is that what I mean? | ||
| No, we should all get in on something. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I was saying, like, it's already 3.30. | ||
| Maybe we should, like, resume this again. | ||
| We have to figure this out today or it won't happen. | ||
| Yeah, resume it. | ||
| It'll happen. | ||
| It'll happen. | ||
| Is the challenge you can do this and then you have to fucking fake this In Shape challenge against us? | ||
| How about if I do this, I get to pick the next challenge. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| But you're not going to do American. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| It was so gross the way you said it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I felt my butt getting fingered. | ||
| You said it like Garth Brooks because of his social media stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I got friends in low place. | |
| I like that. | ||
| Is it out of brand? | ||
| No, you can get clean. | ||
| For me to get people to help me, back me in during this challenge. | ||
| Sure, they'll fail. | ||
| That'll make you fail, too. | ||
| Nutritionists or something? | ||
| No, like Stan Hope said he'd do it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And Stan Hope's like, I'm in if you're in. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That'd be great for everybody. | ||
| Yeah, and get Stan Hope in it, too. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If you want to get some balls, why don't you try to get Ron White? | ||
| He'll spit in your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I thought about that in the shower today. | |
| I thought about that. | ||
| What the fuck did you just say to me? | ||
| I'm from Texas. | ||
| We'll just run away from you. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| November also. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| And then whoever can join in can join in if they want to. | ||
| It would be cool to run into guys like we do. | ||
| What do you think your percentages are? | ||
| Do you fail or succeed? | ||
| Of course he's going to say that. | ||
| That's a ridiculous number. | ||
| He's in great shape. | ||
| He can run a marathon easy. | ||
| That's a ridiculous number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I sense a pattern. | |
| What's the number? | ||
| 100% is ridiculous. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Almost nothing is that. | ||
| Your favorite principal in high school dies, and he says in his will, I want you to drink one more drink for me. | ||
| But today, you're being ridiculous. | ||
| Let me ask you a question, Ari. | ||
| What are the odds that you can run one mile? | ||
| I can run a mile. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, you sound like a bird bear. | ||
| Wait, what does that mean? | ||
| 98%. | ||
| That's a good number. | ||
| That's a pretty reasonable number. | ||
| One mile. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| 98%. | ||
| And we're taking natural disasters out of the equation. | ||
| No, we'll put that in. | ||
| That's why 98%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Earthquakes, loss of family, animals, animal attacks. | |
| Yeah, shit like that could happen. | ||
| You gonna drink? | ||
| I'm just talking about injuries. | ||
| One mile. | ||
| You can do one mile for most of the people. | ||
| I feel like I'm getting trolled right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could twist your ankle 20 steps in and then you couldn't do it. | |
| It could happen. | ||
| That's why 98%. | ||
| You get the feeling that's a strong number. | ||
| What? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I can do it 98%. | ||
| That's a good number. | ||
| 98 is a good number for running flat. | ||
| Now, when you're running hills, like Ari, that trail that you and I went down when we did that podcast together, that's not a 98%. | ||
| I think about that sometimes, like if I broke my ankle or something down there, how do I get out of that hill? | ||
| Maybe call for help, because that's an option. | ||
| There's no phone service down there. | ||
| I'm going to get a crawl out of there. | ||
| But I think I can crawl out of there pretty easy if I broke an ankle. | ||
| I think you're going to change your percentage again. | ||
| I think crawl out of there would be pretty hard. | ||
| I'll get out of there. | ||
| Oh, I'm getting out. | ||
| Okay, what's your percentage? | ||
| What's your legit percentage you could do sober for October? | ||
| Sober for October. | ||
| Sober for October. | ||
| What percentage? | ||
| Really think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Dad dying. | ||
| Sober for October. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| What's going on here, Bert? | ||
| 50-50. | ||
| Top 50-50. | ||
| It's a flip of the coin. | ||
| It's a decision away. | ||
| By the way, I think you're wrong, but I think it's way more realistic than any of the other two numbers you've given. | ||
| What about Kundalini Yoga? | ||
| You ever hear of Kundalini Yoga? | ||
| Kundalini Yoga you supposedly could do a psychedelic experience with. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm a little bit of a teetotter. | ||
| No, this is what I'm saying. | ||
| Doing kundalini yoga, it gives you a trip. | ||
| Okay, I'll try it. | ||
| And you know Danny, one of Eddie Bravo's black belts. | ||
| Prokopos. | ||
| Yeah, prokopos. | ||
| Best of the Greeks. | ||
| Great motherfucker. | ||
| But he does it all the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's like legit. | ||
| He's like a yogi. | ||
| And he says that kundalini gives you a complete total psychedelic state. | ||
| I've never tried it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We could all try it together. | ||
| That would count as one of the hot days? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What if we do this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What if we get someone to do... | ||
| Are you going to stick around here? | ||
| Are you going to just... | ||
| I'm not going to stick around here. | ||
| I'll be here in October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are you going, bitch? | |
| Where are you going? | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| You went to fucking Asia for a month with no cell phone. | ||
| You can't hang around here for sober for October and do kundalini yoga with us. | ||
| I won't be here in October. | ||
| Let's see if we can get high. | ||
| Let's see if we can do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll do it. | |
| Let's see if we can meet the aliens. | ||
| What I have heard from people that do it, if you do it long enough and correctly, you can have intense, full-blown, hallucinogenic, psychedelic experiences that rival mushrooms and DMT and all that shit. | ||
| Wait, long enough you mean enough times in a row or long enough in one time? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I have zero experience in it. | ||
| This is purely anecdotal. | ||
| But there's too many people that I trust. | ||
| That have done this. | ||
| That had a good... | ||
| That have had psychedelic experiences. | ||
| Are we all gonna do sober and yoga? | ||
| We can do it. | ||
| I'm down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll do it. | |
| I'm down. | ||
| Hot yoga? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| Okay, when we say sober, are we talking weed? | ||
| Because I can get into that place. | ||
| I can get into that no weed place for a month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Do you want to be there? | ||
| That's a weird place when I'm working. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I could do that. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| On the cruise, I could do no weed. | ||
| It's not the cruise, are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what you have to do? | |
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| October. | ||
| Intense cardio. | ||
| Intense cardio produces those same sort of weird euphoric feelings. | ||
| And you burn off the weed and start in your fat. | ||
| You burn it off. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| A little bit of that. | ||
| What intense cardio does is gives you that after weed feeling. | ||
| You know the after weed feeling when you're super high and the tail end of it, you just feel great? | ||
| You want to just put weed in the bucket and we'll do weed? | ||
| Just in case. | ||
| I'm upset. | ||
| Okay, we should think about it. | ||
| We should definitely not do anything rash. | ||
| We should realize that Ari doesn't love us as much as he loves going to Vietnam and hanging out with people he doesn't even know. | ||
| Fifteen days of yoga, Ari? | ||
| Bitch, you don't have any dates scheduled. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| 15 days of yoga, 31 days sober, all of October. | ||
| I can't be here for the whole October. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| What else are you going to do? | ||
| I'm going to go to Thailand again, you fuck. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| I'm going to go to Vietnam. | ||
| Make my own rice. | ||
| I'm going to live off a backpack and sleep with weirdos. | ||
| Text them. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Text the fam. | ||
| Who are you texting? | ||
| Sissues? | ||
| Yeah, my girls. | ||
| Problems? | ||
| You should head over, man. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Yeah, it's 333. This means we're about... | ||
| No. | ||
| We've got to narrow this in. | ||
| We've got to keep going. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Sober for October. | ||
| I'm just trying to think what this means. | ||
| This means no weed. | ||
| Okay, on one hand, I don't want to do the not weed. | ||
| On the other hand, I think if he does sober but also smokes weed, it's just going to be a stopgap to get him right back to drinking heavily again. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Say that again. | |
| Say that again. | ||
| That if you're allowed to smoke weed... | ||
| You'll just smoke a bunch of weed. | ||
| It's just going to propel you into drinking more as soon as you can. | ||
| Like, when I'm in a heavy pothead, I'm like, oh, there's no weed around, but I can just get drunk tonight. | ||
| Okay, that'll last me until tomorrow. | ||
| I'll tell you that, in all honesty, once again, I have a problem with teetotaling. | ||
| So if I don't drink, I actually won't do anything. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because I get a little obsessive compulsive. | ||
| But are you permitting weed in this? | ||
| What do you mean by teetotaling? | ||
| What do you mean by that? | ||
| No, teetotaling means I don't do anything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I become really strict about it. | ||
| Your problem means it happens. | ||
| Yeah, and a little bit. | ||
| If I smoke weed, I'll probably end up wanting a beer. | ||
| Well, let's let him express himself. | ||
| What do you mean, like, you have a problem with teetotaling? | ||
| I have a problem with teetotaling. | ||
| It's obsessive compulsiveness. | ||
| I get, like, seven days where I don't drink, and I go, fuck, dude. | ||
| I don't want to drink at all. | ||
| You mean a problem you have no problem with? | ||
| You can just hurry around solidly. | ||
| Not no problem because the problem becomes the first day of drinking again, I get obsessive about it and I can't have a drink because I go, man, you're doing so good. | ||
| Don't fucking drink. | ||
| It's almost the way, you know? | ||
| So like if I smoke, I just won't smoke weed. | ||
| That's just real. | ||
| But I don't care if you guys do. | ||
| You should smoke weed and do yoga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| That's what you should do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| But you'll say you'll smoke weed and then drink again. | ||
| I'll say smoke weed just because if I see you guys at the store and you guys have a joint, I'd want to smoke weed with you guys. | ||
| We should get together and do what the young kids would say, hella bong rips, and then go take some fucking yoga classes. | ||
| I would do that. | ||
| I'd do that. | ||
| We should film it. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| We should do it. | ||
| We'll get advice to get in on this. | ||
| I'd do that in a heartbeat. | ||
| 15 yoga classes. | ||
| In 30 days. | ||
| Do it? | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| 15 yoga classes in 15 days. | ||
| And you can't go on the road? | ||
| You can get high as you want. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to do them on the road. | ||
| You'll do them on the road. | ||
| Yeah, 15 hot yoga classes. | ||
| But you can get high as you want, Kimo Sabe. | ||
| And they'll follow you to the road? | ||
| Whoever advice or whoever does it? | ||
| Dude, I'll, whatever, ankle braces, whatever you need. | ||
| Oh, scram cam, scram cam. | ||
| I'll be on the scram cam, that'll hold me accountable. | ||
| We move into a weird area if we don't trust each other. | ||
| By the way, I agree with you, but I don't trust Burt. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| No, no way. | ||
| We need proof. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It'd be too crazy to say, just trust me on this. | ||
| It'd be too crazy. | ||
| After, you know, him saying he's in great shape and he can run a marathon easy, I have no doubts that he'd be 100% unbiased and completely clean. | ||
| First of all, it would help relieve ideas when they fucking keep their body cams on. | ||
| I had a glass of red wine with dinner. | ||
| What's the big deal? | ||
| Okay, so scramcam.com. | ||
| I'll get a scramcam. | ||
| I don't want him to wear a scramcam. | ||
| I do, and I won't allow him not to. | ||
| I think it'd be a wonderful opportunity for Bert to come clean. | ||
| Just come clean with us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta pee. | |
| Go pee, bro. | ||
| Scramcam. | ||
| Not that you're not coming clean, but that you're just... | ||
| There's not even a possibility. | ||
| I don't think there's a possibility that you would lie. | ||
| I wouldn't lie. | ||
| People would not trust you unless you had scram cam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This is a binary thing. | ||
| This is a one and zero thing. | ||
| This isn't like what Bert's talking about before, sort of like fun and exaggerations. | ||
| But when you're talking to like one or zero, did you yes or no drink? | ||
| Yeah, I'd trust you. | ||
| If I drank, I'd just start drinking again and let you guys know I don't mind losing a bet. | ||
| It'd be nice to have scram cam, though. | ||
| No, I don't need it. | ||
| I don't need it. | ||
| It's just for me and Tom and the fans then. | ||
| The fans probably would appreciate it if you would acquiesce. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Here's my deal. | ||
| I'll make it with you guys. | ||
| If I do in Chicago or somewhere, if I go on the road and you want to scram cam me for a weekend, it could be a scram cam. | ||
| Which side of the bed do you sleep on? | ||
| Do you sleep on your stomach or back? | ||
| I sleep on my left side. | ||
| We want a camera. | ||
| Left side. | ||
| SoberOctober.com Did you get it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you get it? | |
| Yeah, buy it, buy it, buy it. | ||
| SoberOctober.com That's a great $12.99. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Oh, I like this. | ||
| Why is the government getting involved? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking government gets involved with everything, man. | |
| SoberOctobert. | ||
| SoberOctobert.com. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| So do the fucking 31 days. | ||
| ScramCam, of course. | ||
| Yeah, you're doing ScramCam. | ||
| I'll do ScramCam if you need me to. | ||
| I will. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I'd like you to. | ||
| You pussies are shying away from the yoga part. | ||
| I want you guys to do 15 hot yoga classes. | ||
| Hot yoga classes, you can tag on that, or I don't know how I do that. | ||
| Tom, you have a lot to catch up on. | ||
| Yeah, what happened? | ||
| Okay, he's doing scram cam. | ||
| Is he right? | ||
| He should do scram cam? | ||
| Hot yoga. | ||
| Joe's saying no, but obviously he should. | ||
| Joe says no. | ||
| You're the deciding vote. | ||
| Scram cam or no scram cam? | ||
| Scram cam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| 100%. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I thought you'd be on the fence. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I was playing good cop. | ||
| Or I played bad cop hard. | ||
| Good cop doesn't get fucking crime solved. | ||
| And then the fucking district attorney just came in. | ||
| Scram cam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was one time I had a tea I was in soda! | |
| Scram cam. | ||
| Oh, and we've got to set up notifications for the three of us, so we'll all get a message. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Be on the scram cam notification. | ||
| Like, hello, hello, hello! | ||
| Marijuana's acceptable during this? | ||
| Like I said, this is some shit that men and women do when they have role-playing games. | ||
| Like, one plays the detective, and the wife plays the lonely housewife. | ||
| Sure, be the nice guy. | ||
| I can't help drinking martinis, you fucking dick. | ||
| He should wear it before we start and just fucking get hammered. | ||
| Let's see what the scram cam does. | ||
| Yeah, we should test the scram cam. | ||
| We should test the scram cam. | ||
| Let's get it right now before you leave. | ||
| Hey, guys, Powerful Jamie coming up with Sober October. | ||
| Someone sent that to me. | ||
| I want to take full credit for that. | ||
| Powerful Jamie. | ||
| We got the website. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| Sobert October? | ||
| No, Sober October. | ||
| No, you're confusing the fuck on everybody, bro. | ||
| Bro? | ||
| Go? | ||
| Still, go through tomsagurt.com for the shirts, though. | ||
| Go through tomsagurt.com. | ||
| Because Tom has nothing to do with it. | ||
| Don't go to BurtBurtBurt.com. | ||
| So Sober October. | ||
| Unless you're looking to buy tickets for all Burt's upcoming dates, you can get those at BurtBurtBurt.com. | ||
| Scramcam is tested September 31st. | ||
| Oh, where are you? | ||
| What? | ||
| At the DC Improv at that show. | ||
| You will watch me go for my... | ||
| September 1st. | ||
| You might die a... | ||
| You can't be September 31st. | ||
| That means you can't drunk that night. | ||
| September 31st. | ||
| September? | ||
| The day? | ||
| The day the bet starts. | ||
| It starts when he's already in D.C. No, no, I'm saying, but October 31st is the last day. | ||
| No, I said September. | ||
| September 31st. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| To October 1st. | ||
| Wait, but what happens to September 31st? | ||
| You've got to stop drinking by noon, probably. | ||
| You've got to stop drinking. | ||
| By noon. | ||
| Oh, you don't want to see what I registered at night going into? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sober! | |
| Okay. | ||
| October. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, but so if he starts at midnight drunk... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not sober! | |
| I wouldn't call that sober! | ||
| Good point. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I mean, you've got to put it in a category. | ||
| Ari is 100% right. | ||
| You have to stop the 31st of September. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| I've got to stop the 30th. | ||
| The evening of the 30th, I stop drinking. | ||
| So technically, I have a full day of sobriety. | ||
| No, wait, wait, wait. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There's only 30 days in September. | ||
| Ari, what I'm saying is, I need to stop a full day before October starts. | ||
| Yeah, that's the 29th. | ||
| So I start, you want me no booze. | ||
| So that's kind of 31 days. | ||
| Stop by noon. | ||
| Stop by noon. | ||
| Stop by noon at 1pm. | ||
| I don't drink in the day. | ||
| Great, then you're no problem. | ||
| I have drank in the day. | ||
| Wait a minute, isn't it the day and aren't we drinking? | ||
| Dude, we started at 12.45pm. | ||
| It's a Burt story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the day and we're drinking. | |
| You say you don't drink in the day. | ||
| This episode brought to you by Scramcam. | ||
| This episode brought to you by day drinking. | ||
| High risk offenders, it said. | ||
| This is the craziest thing you've ever said while two red plastic cups are in front of you. | ||
| I don't drink in the day. | ||
| While you drink in the day. | ||
| Don't you love the hyperbole of me? | ||
| I speak in hyperbole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see what you're doing. | |
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I speak like whereby I can't fire. | ||
| You find me a way where you always win. | ||
| And that's a really important thing if you want to get by this drowning world of prosperity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, so it is 30 days, 31 days, whatever. | |
| October, you're sober. | ||
| So I will enter October sober is what you're saying. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then what's the physical part? | ||
| The 15 yoga sessions? | ||
| The hot yoga sessions. | ||
| 90 minutes. | ||
| 90 minutes. | ||
| And then bullshit 60 minute classes. | ||
| I did hour 15. By the way, I'll be texting both you, and I don't mind for that first week hitting you guys up and finding one that we can all do together like a team. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we should. | |
| We'll go together. | ||
| Let me ask you a question. | ||
| Let me ask you a question about this hot yoga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you're saying, if it does get too hot, it enters a danger zone, I can just sit on the side, drink a lot of water. | ||
| Not on the side, you sit on your mat and drink a little water. | ||
| And drink a lot of water, but you don't have to leave. | ||
| Safely, you don't have to leave? | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| Okay, but come on, man. | ||
| Hang in there, and use a little bit of dehydration. | ||
| Are we adding that, like, if you leave, Yeah, you're a loser. | ||
| If you leave for three minutes, you're a loser. | ||
| If you leave, you lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't even give me three times to leave for four minutes each? | |
| Here's the other thing. | ||
| So, wait, that's decided. | ||
| No, you can't leave. | ||
| Don't be a loser. | ||
| Not even a few times. | ||
| 15? | ||
| You can't leave three times? | ||
| I started doing yoga very seriously two and a half years ago. | ||
| I have left class zero times. | ||
| Hang in there. | ||
| And don't be a bitch. | ||
| That's the only other thing we haven't talked about. | ||
| Wait, you gotta also say, how much water do I have to bring in there to do that safely? | ||
| We'll talk to you the day of our own. | ||
| A gallon. | ||
| A gallon of water. | ||
| You know what I do? | ||
| Honestly, I have one of those flasks. | ||
| I think they're called hydro flasks. | ||
| And it's giant. | ||
| That first day I'm just trying to sit in there. | ||
| It's really fat and wide, like an elephant dick. | ||
| And I fill it up with ice to the top of small ice cubes. | ||
| And then I fill it up with water. | ||
| So that the ice has a lot of room for water. | ||
| The water gets to there, and then when I'm in class, for that 90 minutes, I'm drinking the ice is cold water. | ||
| Every five or six poses or something like that, you take a break and have some water. | ||
| And by the end, you have no water left? | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| Usually I just have a little bit of ice, so I've drank a whole 64-ounce thing in a 90-minute class. | ||
| It's hard to do, man. | ||
| But I think it's one of the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
90 minutes? | |
| Not 60 minutes? | ||
| It's done in 90 minutes. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| I think it's real difficult for your mind. | ||
| I thought the standard was 60 minutes. | ||
| Henry Yoga said the standard was 60 minutes. | ||
| That guy's a pussy. | ||
| When you can get through it, if you can get through 15 of those in 30 days, I think you can fucking get through a lot of shit. | ||
| I think you'd surprise yourself. | ||
| I think you're totally right, and the amount of discipline you'll need on two fronts is great, but here's the other thing. | ||
| You're such a cunt. | ||
| No, no, no! | ||
| Here's the other thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The last one had real stakes. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Well, there were stakes, man. | ||
| You lose your beard. | ||
| You had somebody welch on a bet. | ||
| I did not welch on a bet! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know goddamn what I did not welch on a bet! | |
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| I have never welched on a bet in my life. | ||
| All I asked you for was BMI is a measurement of height and weight. | ||
| And I said, okay, you got the height. | ||
| He's clearly lying about his height. | ||
| So just fucking measure his height! | ||
| I'm 6'4, man. | ||
| And it turned out he was clearly lying! | ||
| There was no question he was lying! | ||
| We all knew that any time! | ||
|
unidentified
|
So ahead of time, we said he had to fucking measure his height! | |
| Oh, and it turned out he's 96 feet tall! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Play a little 6'1! | |
| And he was barely above FEMR! I'm not trying to say I'm lost in a bit! | ||
| I'm just trying to make an accurate measurement! | ||
| If you do an accurate measurement, I will fucking pay! | ||
| And then I fucking emailed him! | ||
| Listen to me, man. | ||
| I got an inferior Myanmar! | ||
| I said, I'm paying the bet, obviously! | ||
| The Anti-Defamation League is after you right now for enforcing negative stereotypes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You told me I was a Welsh fan when I just asked for a measurement of height! | |
| And when I got the measurement, he was clearly like, no apology! | ||
| No, oh, it turns out, oh, it was right to ask for this! | ||
| How many tweets did you get calling you a Welsh fan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100! | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| I've done everything! | ||
| I've got my nipple pierced! | ||
| I wore a diaper for days! | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I'm always not Welsh! | ||
| Oh, you're voice breaking like Kevin McCallister. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going. | |
| All I know is I sent these boys to a basketball game. | ||
| Yes, you did it on your own! | ||
| You did that on your own! | ||
| I had nothing to do with that! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was on a fucking plane and guitar when you guys were fucking eating pizza. | |
| I was never going to well. | ||
| You went to Asia for four months to get out of a bed. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Ari went on a walkabout across Asia. | ||
| Where you cannot reach him. | ||
| There's no fucking email. | ||
| I still had a guy in fucking some city somewhere. | ||
| He was like, so you can pay off that bet? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was recognized five times in almost four months. | ||
| He's probably a good American. | ||
| He's out there doing his duty. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I had so many people. | ||
| Trying to slut shame you. | ||
| I had so many people shame you. | ||
| Like, to me. | ||
| Weren't they enjoyable to get? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And also on the road, after shows, they'd be like, all right, we're going to pay for that shit. | |
| Dude, I'd be on the road and I'd say something. | ||
| Why did you not tell people I emailed you and saying I was going to fucking pay off? | ||
| I texted you that day before I even left. | ||
| It wasn't the last text I said. | ||
| Oh my god, you barely passed! | ||
| 5'11.7, you failed! | ||
| 5'11.85 and you got it! | ||
| But it was fun to pile on you. | ||
| It was fun to pile on you. | ||
| Dude, honestly, I'm telling you for real now, the first 15 to 20 days I was out there, I was fucking angry at you guys for telling me I was a Welcher. | ||
| I was like, these motherfuckers. | ||
| I gotta fucking calm down, say I'm a Welcher. | ||
| I just want a goddamn measurement. | ||
| I don't feel like I said you were. | ||
| I tried to stay out of it. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I tried to say to have it too, but the fans wouldn't have it. | ||
| I liked them doing it, like when they did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I loved it. | |
| I remember being somewhere, and then I was like, someone's like, Bert, you look skinny. | ||
| And someone goes, Tom is fat. | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| I go, so for those of you who don't know, we had a bet going. | ||
| And then someone yelled, Ari's a Jew. | ||
| Maybe I should have told the story later. | ||
| What, what, Ari's a Jew? | ||
| Sorry, sorry. | ||
| You're such a cunt. | ||
| Listen, Boris, we're gonna be fine. | ||
| That was so great. | ||
| No one liked your fucking story? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that story bombed as bad as the last one. | |
| It was a check-drop story. | ||
| Did everyone, when you were trying to explain the Game of Thrones, does that bother you at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| By the way, I thought it was a very good story. | ||
| Did you stop thinking about it? | ||
| Have you blocked it out? | ||
| How bad it was? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, really, for real. | ||
| Tom, if you told a story like that, took center stage and told that story. | ||
| Was that worse than the Laugh Lounge? | ||
| How would you feel? | ||
| I mean, that would be my new worst story ever. | ||
| That would lower the standard. | ||
| What would you feel like about yourself? | ||
| Would you be like, did I have a seizure? | ||
| Like, what went wrong? | ||
| I'd be like, I drink too much, I'm super fat, my story's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Boys, we're gonna be fine. | ||
| Everyone's gonna be fine. | ||
| 15 yoga classes. | ||
| 90 minutes long each. | ||
| What are the stakes? | ||
| What are the stakes? | ||
| Okay, there we go. | ||
| That's what we have to get to. | ||
| It started with you saying you could be in a marathon. | ||
| What if we do all these in my new studio? | ||
| All the yoga classes? | ||
| Yep, we can get in there. | ||
| I can't be here for a month of October. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| I'll pay you. | ||
| I'll pay you, too. | ||
| We'll pay you, like, TV money. | ||
| Don't pay him. | ||
| You make a lot of money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stick around, bitch. | |
| I won't pay you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else are you doing? | |
| What are you doing on the road? | ||
| What do you have to do? | ||
| I'm going to see my family in October. | ||
| What are you talking about seeing your family? | ||
| They just told you. | ||
| Just go to that fucking neighborhood with all the Hasidic. | ||
| Listen, that looks like your family? | ||
| Just hug random dudes. | ||
| Find one of those women that looks like their nose is a toe and talk to her. | ||
| Find one with... | ||
| Take a walk on a Saturday, you asshole. | ||
| Find one with thick yarn hanging off their belt. | ||
| You'll be a kin. | ||
| Just stay here with us. | ||
| Where's Antifa when you need them? | ||
| Stay here with us. | ||
| They're always there. | ||
| They're inside all of us. | ||
| I don't know if I can stay here. | ||
| Think how much fun it would be. | ||
| Why the fuck do you want to go to New York when it's October? | ||
| I have a life. | ||
| It's the best time of the year to be there, that's why. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Best time of the year. | ||
| Oh, the hot dogs are out there fucking right now. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| Just stay, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just stay. | |
| You don't have gigs? | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| I will rent you a house. | ||
| You go on Airbnb. | ||
| I will pay for your house rental. | ||
| I'll pay for a rental car. | ||
| I'll pay for a rental car for the entire month of October. | ||
| This is 100% free for you. | ||
| I will give you a food allowance, a daily food allowance. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Ari, you're doing this. | ||
| Ari, do this. | ||
| It's not about that. | ||
| I have a life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need a start. | |
| That's why I'm not going the road. | ||
| And I will pay you a significant amount of money for every podcast you do with me in that time period. | ||
| Ooh, I like this. | ||
| Come on, brother. | ||
| Let's have some fun. | ||
| Ari, do it. | ||
| This is what I want you to do. | ||
| This is the challenge I'm taking. | ||
| I want you to be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But interesting. | |
| This would be like you not seeing your family for a month. | ||
| All of us, we're going to do yoga together 15 times over 30 days. | ||
| No, Ari, that's not like that. | ||
| But we can't skimp. | ||
| My whole life's there. | ||
| We can't skimp place for a fucking month. | ||
| A chick you haven't fucked yet is your whole life, Ari. | ||
| All you got is pussy on the East Village. | ||
| Whoa, whoa. | ||
| You just called him out. | ||
| Hanging out with Big J Lewis. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Sal. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Come on, you're over here with us. | ||
| And all that's taken care of, and you're here. | ||
| Big J Lewis. | ||
| He's talking about Big J Oakerson. | ||
| He said Big J Lewis. | ||
| Big J and Lewis are two different people. | ||
| Oh, fuck both of you guys. | ||
| Big J Oakerson and Lewis Gomez. | ||
| You didn't say it like it was a different person. | ||
| You were like, Big J Lewis. | ||
| I said their names in repetition. | ||
| You just were off pace. | ||
| It's like if someone asked you for your phone over, it's 3-2-2-4-5-6-7. | ||
| There's two spots there. | ||
| Eight, nine. | ||
| Two spots. | ||
| Fucking, uh, there's quarters on the ground here. | ||
| There's a lot to do, man. | ||
| Dude, stay here. | ||
| Become a tailor. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Yeah, make shoes. | ||
| We're thinking about kidnapping you anyway. | ||
| Learn how to stop. | ||
| I'm tired of you being on the other side of the planet. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| Stay over here, dude. | ||
| Stay over here for October. | ||
| We'll all be sober. | ||
| We'll all go to the yoga classes. | ||
| We'll get closer, and we'll get healthier, and we'll run a marathon or something. | ||
| You gotta stop pretending that the Comedy Store is the greatest place on the face of the earth. | ||
| I'm not pretending that I'm saying I want to be 3,000 miles away from that. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| Stop pretending it's not the greatest place in the world. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| You gotta be here, bro. | ||
| All of October, we'll work out some sort of financial arrangement. | ||
| I'll rent you a Corvette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have no interest in riding around the Corvette. | |
| How about a black one, a sleek new one? | ||
| Oh, Ari. | ||
| If you get me a Honda Civic with GPS, that would help. | ||
| You're going to drive a Corvette like a goddamn American. | ||
| I don't want a Corvette. | ||
| It's so tacky. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| Force him to drive a Corvette. | ||
| You've never driven one. | ||
| You'll get past the tacky. | ||
| I would get on the highway to do that. | ||
| It'd be nice, but not every day. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I'm not driving one of those. | ||
| That's a separate bet about you. | ||
| How about that Shelby Mustang? | ||
| You can put him in that. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| What? | ||
| What about like... | ||
| If you give me a 67 Mustang to drive around in for a fucking month. | ||
| No, the brakes are terrible. | ||
| You'd want a resto mod. | ||
| It's a lot of complications. | ||
| What about... | ||
| Like if you're talking about like a new car. | ||
| A new car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about a BMW... What if I gotta go to London for a week? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So it sits here. | ||
| And that's how life works. | ||
| When you're not here, it doesn't drive itself. | ||
| It's not like Herbie the Love Bug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| But I'm saying, what if I gotta go to London for a week for press? | ||
| I think I do. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| What are you going for? | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| What are you going to London for? | ||
| Press. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta go to Chicago. | ||
| That's what I'm doing here. | ||
| For how many days? | ||
| It would probably be a week. | ||
| What are you doing for press in London? | ||
| What's going on in London? | ||
| I got to do a Netflix run of press for fucking London. | ||
| One in LA, one in New York, one in London. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Do radio over there or something? | ||
| A bunch of panel shows and radio and podcasts. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got to do that. | |
| You got to be sober. | ||
| Hey, look, you have stories. | ||
| You're going to arrive with stories, man. | ||
| And you're going to do sets out there as well? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Do you have things scheduled yet or no? | ||
| No. | ||
| So you're in. | ||
| You're in. | ||
| You're in. | ||
| So you're in. | ||
| So how many days is this you're talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| October? | ||
| And then go straight from here to the fucking Joker's cruise? | ||
| Me and you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're on the same flight. | |
| I gotta go two days early. | ||
| The summer I gotta meet in New Orleans a couple days early. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| We're not gonna work this out in the next five minutes. | ||
| I'll buy your flight. | ||
| The two days before? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Two days before. | ||
| Because I can't miss Halloween. | ||
| Oh, maybe I can. | ||
| The kids are used to not having you around, Hurt. | ||
| Thanks, Ari. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| No, I'm just saying because he's a bad father. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I think you misunderstood me. | ||
| Did you text him yet? | ||
| I texted them. | ||
| I haven't been replying. | ||
| Okay, okay, okay. | ||
| I gotta stop this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Let's finish it off. | ||
| Four hours. | ||
| Let's finish it off, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's finish it off, Joe. | |
| Four hours in. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're not going to hastily finish it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sober October. | |
| We're not going to hastily finish it off and then correct it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think we should talk about this and I'll announce it on a future podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| Whatever the decision is. | ||
| No, Joe, this is the one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's talk it out. | |
| This is the one. | ||
| Let's talk it out. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Ari October. | ||
| What's Ari October? | ||
| Stay here. | ||
| Ari's here. | ||
| I'll lean towards doing it if we can figure it out. | ||
| What color should the Corvette be? | ||
| Black. | ||
| I like black. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like black. | |
| Yellow! | ||
| Yellow! | ||
| That's personal pain to me. | ||
| Oh, this makes me excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And these are locked in. | |
| These are locked in. | ||
| Yellow. | ||
| Yellow. | ||
| How about you driving a yellow Corvette? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah, sorry. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| If you can get me Tarantino's pussy wagon. | ||
| Okay, alright. | ||
| Does he have a pussy wagon? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The one from Kill Bill. | ||
| Should we hold hands while we do this? | ||
| So if we do that, if we do that, if someone doesn't do it, then what happens? | ||
| Twice in four hours. | ||
| If someone doesn't do it, that's the thing. | ||
| So then I have to fly home to meet my family for three days, then come back, and then go to London and whatever, but from here, face it here. | ||
| What are the stakes? | ||
| Steaks? | ||
| It's not money, right? | ||
| How about the loser has to throw a party for the other people in their honor and you have to do like ice sculptures and make it crazy and throw a crazy ass party. | ||
| I fucking hate you. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| Why don't we do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What kind of ice sculptures? | |
| All dicks, right? | ||
| All dicks and they're all pointed at Bert's mouth and they're shooting shit at Bert's mouth. | ||
| The ice sculptures are like Half-limp dicks that are dripping down on your face. | ||
| Those are all good suggestions. | ||
| Yeah, it takes longer for them to break off. | ||
| And they all go into Burt's mouth. | ||
| And then you, there's a picture of you with your eyes closed. | ||
| Why are you saying you? | ||
| I'm not using! | ||
| Yeah, if you're loving it, because if that can come out, if the artist is good enough to show how much you love it. | ||
| Wait, ice dicks. | ||
| What's the measurable variable for if everybody gets to? | ||
| Would you drown in ice dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| How do you win and lose, though? | ||
| So if we all do it, then you do the decathlon, then the loser of that? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So it carries over. | ||
| That's what we're deciding. | ||
| What he said before was, instead of marathon, what Tom said before was, He couldn't do 90 days. | ||
| But if he did do 90 days, then you could get the honor of challenging us to a marathon, which we would never... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The winner announces the events for the decathlon for who's the best in shape. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| And the loser of the decathlon pays the winner of the decathlon the party. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So here's what we're doing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 30 days sober in October. | ||
| 15... | ||
| 15? | ||
| 31 days sober in October. | ||
| Ari in October. | ||
| Yes? | ||
| Can the loser also have to shower the winner in good words and praise for a period of at least four minutes? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Maybe we should do the opposite. | ||
| Maybe the winners should shower the losers with praise to rebuild their self-esteem after this horrific defeat. | ||
| We've got to think of things to lift Bird up. | ||
| It would show, yeah, that's ultimately what we're about. | ||
| We need four or five people to lift Bird up at that point. | ||
| Because for sure, Bert's going to die off around 13 yoga classes in 6 or 7 days and no booze. | ||
| So once you fail, can we all just stop at that point? | ||
| Stop talking to me directly! | ||
| It's a competition we're all doing! | ||
| Who do you think at this table would have the hardest time quitting booze? | ||
| Bert. | ||
| Bert for sure. | ||
| Who do you think? | ||
| Booze? | ||
| I think probably Ari. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Especially in L.A. when I drank. | ||
| Ari didn't drink for the first like 15 years that I knew him. | ||
| I drink in New York because it's a New York fucking thing to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He barely drank in L.A. I'd give him a drink. | ||
| Can I change my answer? | ||
| In case I'd give him a shot. | ||
| He'd go. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I made him drink shots. | ||
| He's like disgusted. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| I was like, you gotta be free, Shafir. | ||
| Free! | ||
| So sober from alcohol in October. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, who's going to have the hardest time? | ||
| It's obviously me. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Who's going to have the hardest time with the hot yoga? | ||
| Rogan will have the easiest time. | ||
| I enjoy yoga. | ||
| I'll probably have the hardest time because I get claustrophobia. | ||
| I never do it that much. | ||
| I never do it 15 days in 30 days. | ||
| I never do it. | ||
| The most I've ever done it ever is I think I did three times a week once. | ||
| I've done twice a week, multiple times. | ||
| Most of the time I do one time a week. | ||
| Okay, let me ask you a question. | ||
| If I pass out in one, people have to drag me out. | ||
| If they drag me out. | ||
| You lose if they drag you out of me. | ||
| You lose if they drag you out of me. | ||
| We piss in your mouth and then you don't have a party. | ||
| You lose. | ||
| If they drag you against your will, they take you out of there? | ||
| Okay, great. | ||
| I'm getting people to take you out. | ||
| I'm getting people against your will. | ||
| Cops, I'll tell them they're black. | ||
| Listen, all you have to do is when you get to... | ||
| It's really on Scout's honor. | ||
| When you get to an unmanageable state of heat and exhaustion, just lay down. | ||
| It's called Savasana. | ||
| You lay down flat and just chill out. | ||
| And then when you feel like you've recovered a little bit, then you get back up. | ||
| I do regular yoga. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hot yoga is going to be a little bit difficult. | ||
| Hot yoga is pretty aggressive. | ||
| And yoga is 60 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, 90 minutes is better because it shows between 60 and 90. That's what separates the girls from the women. | ||
| I'm saying, okay, I'll be the women and the girl here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think Tom's going to have the hardest time with that yoga. | |
| Tom's a power lifter. | ||
| He's not even like a cardio guy. | ||
| You don't even want three times with a five-minute break? | ||
| Three of the 15? | ||
| No breaks. | ||
| No breaks. | ||
| I'm signing up for the five-minute break. | ||
| That's a huge challenge! | ||
| No breaks, pussies. | ||
| Let it be a little challenging to you guys as well. | ||
| Health-wise? | ||
| I think that's super challenging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I will quit drinking and do the yoga. | ||
| All you guys have to do is not drink. | ||
| Which is not a challenge. | ||
| Not a challenge. | ||
| And then do the yoga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which is a huge... | |
| I think we might all fail on that. | ||
| Then what happens? | ||
| We're not going to all fail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| Not even one time, take a five minute break? | ||
| I'm not convinced that I could do it, and I'm the one who does it all the time. | ||
| I'm saying we should be able to do it. | ||
| So three five minute breaks. | ||
| Three times only. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe you can break without leaving the room. | |
| I can't believe you're arguing as much as this. | ||
| Alright, good point. | ||
| The harder challenge is me not drinking. | ||
| No breaks, bitch. | ||
| No, you'll for sure fail on that. | ||
| I'm thinking of myself. | ||
| And then the person who wins that challenge picks and gets to name the decathlon events. | ||
| We do the decathlon one day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, over many days. | |
| But what would the decathlon be? | ||
| Like some sort of a physical event? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like what kind of shit? | ||
| It'd be like a one day event. | ||
| A bike race. | ||
| We could have like a high school track meet, basically. | ||
| So the benefit... | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| Well, we set up... | ||
| The benefit of choosing is that you, let's say, you know, you're like, well, I'm the best sprinter or whatever, so we have to do this sprint. | ||
| I'm the best at this, whatever, pull-ups. | ||
| You'd be like, do we have to do pull-ups? | ||
| Like, you name the events. | ||
| Oh, no way. | ||
| If you win. | ||
| No way. | ||
| All the events? | ||
| The winner names all the events? | ||
| You would just name it all in your favor? | ||
| Yeah, obviously. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| But that makes sense. | ||
| You're like, sucking dicks. | ||
| Sucking dicks. | ||
| You can dominate. | ||
| Eating a million fucking nachos. | ||
| Tom would be like farting in your mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| It's all physical events. | ||
| It's a physical event. | ||
| We'd all have to have some say. | ||
| You have more say. | ||
| How about you have more say? | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Alright, what would you choose? | ||
| If you had the opportunity to create a gauntlet. | ||
| A gauntlet of difficult exercises. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| 440? | ||
| A 100-yard dash. | ||
| How about 3, 3, 4? | ||
| So sprinting, a 440, a 100-yard dash. | ||
| A quarter mile, and then a 100-yard dash. | ||
| Okay, there's two running things. | ||
| Can I break in here and say that's a long distance from a marathon? | ||
| No, no, no, no, but that's where I think I'd excel. | ||
| That's where I think I'd sell you, asshole. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's still looking at his face like, you fucking liar. | |
| You 800? | ||
|
unidentified
|
His eyes closed. | |
| So fucking... | ||
| I'd do an 800. | ||
| I'd do an 800. | ||
| And a sprint? | ||
| All running stuff? | ||
| All running stuff? | ||
| No biking, no swimming, no fucking? | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| I get to pick the fucking marathon. | ||
| That's why I picked it. | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| So you think that you could win one of these things? | ||
| I could win a number of these things. | ||
| What things do you think you could win? | ||
| 100-yard dash? | ||
| For real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You think you could win that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way! | |
| You're out of your mind! | ||
| There is no way! | ||
| Only a twisted ankle. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Okay, I definitely got Tommy in this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, he just said right! | ||
| No, I don't think you could. | ||
| I got you in a 100-yard dash. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think you could beat me in a mile, for sure. | ||
| I don't think you win a 100-yard dash. | ||
| In a mile? | ||
| I definitely beat you in a mile. | ||
| I beat you in an 800. You know that. | ||
| Where do you win on a sprint? | ||
| Off the blocks? | ||
| Yeah, I beat Tommy in a sprint. | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| By the way, this is why the decathlon is going to be interesting because we all get to pick our events. | ||
| What we do is everyone who doesn't come in first place. | ||
| I have the opportunity to come in first place because I didn't drink for a whole month and I did the yoga. | ||
| Do you feel like you could beat him in a sprint? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| No question. | ||
| Here's where I should go. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you win, you should get to pick two events. | |
| Two events? | ||
| Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's say... | |
| We all know he's going to be wrong, so hear him out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see. | |
| Let's say it's five events. | ||
| It's a decathlon, cunt! | ||
| What are you, Bruce Jenner motherfucker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If we call it a decathlon, do we have to do ten? | |
| Well, if you're going to do a decathlon, it has to be four track and six field events, a total of ten events. | ||
| Competitions include 100-meter sprint, 110-meter hurdles, 400-meter event, 1,500-meter event, long jump, high jump, shot, discus throw, travel and throw, pole vault! | ||
| We don't want those. | ||
| We're not doing these decathlon events. | ||
| We meant decathlon in that, like, multi-event. | ||
| That's all we're saying. | ||
| Four-track. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I want to give Tom an advantage. | ||
| Strongman stuff. | ||
| Strongman stuff. | ||
| Let's throw a kettlebell over a... | ||
| Oh, Jesus, come on. | ||
| Am I involved in this or not? | ||
| You are definitely involved. | ||
| You're going to set the bar. | ||
| Joe, all I want out of this is for me not to drink in October. | ||
| Me to do yoga with you. | ||
| We all hang out. | ||
| We all have a good time all throughout October. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Sorry, sorry, go ahead, sorry, go ahead. | ||
| And then we all... | ||
| You're gonna beat me in a hundred yard dash? | ||
| No way. | ||
| That seems super unlikely. | ||
| No, it's... | ||
| Hold on, hold on, stop, stop. | ||
| Special bonus points if you beat Rogan in any event. | ||
| I'm a lot lighter than you, man. | ||
| In shape? | ||
| I mean, you're both in great shape, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got just the fucking hair on his face. | |
| I wouldn't be confident to say that I would beat you if you weren't so confident to say you'd beat everybody. | ||
| You know what I am? | ||
| I'm the Japanese guy walking out in pride in a dress. | ||
| But you're not. | ||
| You're Bert Kreischer. | ||
| And I'm 78 pounds lighter than you? | ||
| Are you 78 pounds lighter than me? | ||
| Yeah, he's at least 250. Yeah, so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not 250! | |
| I'm being nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're 350. How much do you weigh now? | |
| 271. 222. 222. Yep. | ||
| When I get up, I take a leak in the morning, and then I weigh myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm about 195. That's an advantage. | |
| That's definitely a much lighter body. | ||
| I do have, like, when it comes to muscle twitch, I got that long strand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you do. | |
| I would like you to do that run I do with me one day. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, that crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I run it. | |
| Tell me when. | ||
| Tell them when, man. | ||
| By the way, I'd love to do it. | ||
| I'd love to do it. | ||
| It's fun to do, man. | ||
| Because I listened to that on the hike. | ||
| I listened to that on a plane. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| And I was like, I know you guys smoked a joint before the uphill. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Oh, before the uphill, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we got down the basin. | ||
| And I was like, I would never be able to do that because I would definitely be huffing and puffing up and uphill. | ||
| No, honestly, man, it actually dilates your lungs. | ||
| I do cardio after I smoke weed all the time. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| You can go longer because you lose track of what you're doing. | ||
| You literally can go longer, yeah. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, but, you know, I think Jamie knows. | ||
| There's a lot of marathon runners that don't blaze, but they'll smoke a little bit before they run. | ||
| They're cool. | ||
| My thought on all of this is it would be nice if we all did something just like your weight loss challenge did, but I think the weight loss challenge, we might have missed the mark, quite honestly, with the idea that you guys could dehydrate yourself. | ||
| We didn't miss the mark because I said that's why they had to weigh in three straight days. | ||
| No, but I'm saying, yeah, but that's fine. | ||
| But listen, Ari, you're wrong, because that's super bad for your body. | ||
| That's like insanely bad for your body. | ||
| To be that dehydrated three days in a row. | ||
| But not drinking is not bad. | ||
| It's not nearly as bad as dehydrating yourself like that. | ||
| Drinking is normal. | ||
| Your body is normally processing alcohol if you drink on a normal basis. | ||
| Your liver processes that. | ||
| But when you dehydrate yourself like 15 pounds of water... | ||
| Or like a yoga class? | ||
| Your body's not firing right. | ||
| Yeah, you drink 64 ounces while you're in class. | ||
| I'm drinking a fucking half a gallon in the middle of the class. | ||
| I do think we... | ||
| What if you have to pee? | ||
| What if you have to pee? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| What if you have to pee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| You gotta pee before you go. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| You do definitely have to pee before you go. | ||
| No, stop. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The three of us... | ||
| I've peed twice in this podcast. | ||
| I don't want to pee again. | ||
| You've got to give me a chance to pee. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I'll never make it. | ||
| I'll tell you now. | ||
| I'll never make it. | ||
| This is all mental. | ||
| Why would you not be able to do it if I can do it? | ||
| Of course you can do it. | ||
| Bladders are different sizes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| That's one reason. | ||
| You can do it, man. | ||
| Hold on, you gotta let me pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I run in, out, and come back in in under 50 seconds. | |
| You can get 90 seconds. | ||
| Okay, here's better, better. | ||
| We're gonna do it. | ||
| We're gonna put plastic down. | ||
| We're gonna let you pee your pants. | ||
| Gotta hang in there. | ||
| If you give me a bottle in a corner where nobody can see it, I can do that. | ||
| But a corner, like a fucking... | ||
| Somewhere like a wet... | ||
| Like if they had that, the fucking room where you have the shit in. | ||
| This is his escape closet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, come on. | |
| You gotta let me pee. | ||
| The peeing thing is interesting. | ||
| You can't do an hour and a half without peeing? | ||
| I might not. | ||
| Sometimes I can, and sometimes I really have to pee. | ||
| He's hedging his bed. | ||
| All you have to do is pee before you go into class, and you'll be so dehydrated while the class is going on. | ||
| You drink water. | ||
| You want You don't even have to pee. | ||
| Okay, if I don't have to pee, I won't go. | ||
| If we don't have to pee, I won't go. | ||
| I can take somebody with me to show, look, he's actually peeing. | ||
| Or you can just hold it in. | ||
| Just hold it. | ||
| You couldn't hold it for an hour and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll try. | |
| What if your life depended on you holding your piss for an hour and a half? | ||
| Dude, tell them how to go three times in an hour and a half. | ||
| I'm a Jew, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We pee. | |
| Can the three of us get together? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I'm a Jew, we pee? | ||
| We Jews have small bladders. | ||
| What in the fuck? | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
| Is that a new stereotype? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is. | |
| It's not a stereotype. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I'm a Jew. | ||
| We pee. | ||
| I'm just saying, I'll try not to pee, but like, come on guys, if I really have to pee, what are you going to do? | ||
| At least you have confidence in yourself. | ||
| I'm not going to piss on my pants. | ||
| I'll tell you what, there's not a chance in the world that there's a way that I could have to pee so bad that I couldn't hold it in for an hour and a half. | ||
| I'll tell you what, if I pee before a podcast- I piss my pants at Batman. | ||
| The first Batman, I pissed my pants in the theater. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Will you vow to pee before every class? | ||
| I'll vow to pee before every class. | ||
| But I'll have to drink a lot of water, too. | ||
| I'll drink a lot beforehand. | ||
| The odds of me not having to pee, now that I think about it, are crazy. | ||
| Do they have that much water? | ||
| After the first five classes, no more peeing. | ||
| No one leaving to pee. | ||
| That's fair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta find me a safe class where I can piss in the class. | |
| If you find me a safe class while I'm here, if you give me safety, a safe space where I can piss in public and not have to fucking deal with torments... | ||
| Okay, no asparagus, motherfucker. | ||
| I'll try... | ||
| Can we please all get together to pick the car for him and set up a Corvette? | ||
| Can we set up being there while it's delivered? | ||
| Oh, what it must be like to have no taste. | ||
| Film that. | ||
| Yellow Corvette. | ||
| You can just do anything you want, can't you? | ||
| Get the new ones. | ||
| The new ones are beautiful. | ||
| Okay, well, if you could pick a car that you could drive, like if all of a sudden money became free, what kind of car would you drive around in? | ||
| Like a new Camry. | ||
| Like a new Camry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Is that the car you want? | ||
| Maybe a 4Runner? | ||
| Oh, you pee into that bag. | ||
| Oh, you piss in that thing, and it fills up that bag that's on your leg. | ||
| What if Joe buys you 30? | ||
| We're good. | ||
| You get a double for class. | ||
| Solution has been reached. | ||
| And now pick up his car that we're going to be buying. | ||
| So what kind of car, man? | ||
| Just a regular car. | ||
| I don't want something gaudy. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| No, you don't need gaudy. | ||
| What about like a BMW? | ||
| How about a 4Runner? | ||
| A Toyota 4Runner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a very good car Can we compromise? | |
| Do you know what a good thing about a 4Runner is? | ||
| If he wants to go to Joshua Tree They don't like them anymore They're really good off-road cars And Toyotas are like bulletproof Those are great. | ||
| And I can take a day off if it's like a really nice night where I can go out there. | ||
| Wait, for drinking? | ||
| Yeah, with the truck. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Can we look at some other vehicles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like what we're doing here. | |
| But come on, look what we're doing here. | ||
| Give me something. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You son of a bitch, Shane. | |
| The point was that I wouldn't have to fucking... | ||
| But that shit's not saucy enough, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the cruiser. | |
| Wait, JoJo! | ||
| Can we get it wrapped? | ||
| Yeah, can we get it wrapped? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says, birth super October, hot weather, get it wrapped and I'll legit. | |
| Maybe we should get it wrapped. | ||
| Maybe we should get it wrapped with that, what was that one, that one eat mushrooms t-shirt that you came out with? | ||
| Do mushrooms. | ||
| Do mushrooms. | ||
| Listen, I don't want that either. | ||
| I'd have more of an issue saying no to that. | ||
| I see the value in that. | ||
| What about I do this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about I do this? | |
| What about like Holocaust Research is on the rack? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| What about I rent you a car and I put that all over the car? | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| No, not myself. | ||
| Sober October, if I can handle it. | ||
| No, how about yourself? | ||
| How about you? | ||
| That's pretty great on the hood. | ||
| Right there? | ||
| Let's go with that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| How about this? | ||
| I don't have glasses anymore. | ||
| No name. | ||
| How about no name? | ||
| Turn to your left. | ||
| Look to your left real quick. | ||
| How about no name? | ||
| We don't use your name. | ||
| We just use that image. | ||
| Only that image on the hood. | ||
| It's not what it looks like anymore. | ||
| It doesn't have to be what you look like. | ||
| It's still you. | ||
| Burt Reynolds poses sideways naked on each side of the car. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's not dangerous enough. | ||
| How about that one? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| That's on your hood. | ||
| Without the Ari the Great. | ||
| Without the Ari? | ||
| Without the Ari the Great. | ||
| Where's it? | ||
| Oh, the bottom? | ||
| Yeah, like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, excellent. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| One big one on each side. | ||
| That'd be perfect. | ||
| Or just a hood one. | ||
| No, I think one on the... | ||
| How about one on the roof of the car? | ||
| The roof? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or the hood? | ||
| No, the hood. | ||
| The hood, like a fucking Firebird, a Thunderbird? | ||
| You could do it that way. | ||
| And then branding on the side. | ||
| Ooh, okay. | ||
| AriShapir.com. | ||
| How about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And have, like, booking info about you. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| How about we, instead of... | ||
| How about instead of a Corvette, we get you one of these new Camaro ZL1s? | ||
| That's a badass-assassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassass 650 horsepower. | ||
| American beast of a vehicle. | ||
| They're letting me borrow one of these. | ||
| I'm gonna get a six-speed one of these fucking things. | ||
| For your prom? | ||
| Yeah, man, for my prom. | ||
| They're letting me borrow it so I can talk about it. | ||
| They're just coming out. | ||
| It's like a press car, so we're gonna review it. | ||
| I'm gonna review it on a podcast. | ||
| That's an awesome car, man. | ||
| Dude, that thing is a monster. | ||
| And get that fucking thing, that picture on the front? | ||
| Right on that hood scoop. | ||
| We put that picture on that hood scoop. | ||
| With branding on the side doors. | ||
| What do you say? | ||
| Branding on the side doors. | ||
| That's so embarrassing. | ||
| Are you down with this? | ||
| Please say yes. | ||
| I'll lease one of these. | ||
| I swear to God I will. | ||
| I mean, I don't care for it. | ||
| But I see the comedic value in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I actually, I dare you. | |
| I see the comedic value in it. | ||
| But I don't like it. | ||
| If you drive it and you realize it's a goddamn 2017 spaceship. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That thing goes zero to 16 in like three seconds. | ||
| I think it's too cool. | ||
| And to bring it down a notch. | ||
| On the back, on the tail of the car, it has to say, I'm a comedian. | ||
| And it has, like, exclamation points. | ||
| No, come on. | ||
| Look at that image right there. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I want it to be. | |
| That's horrible. | ||
| I've got to die in yoga. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Look at that image and look at that hood scoop. | ||
| And picture that... | ||
| Look at that hood scoop? | ||
| Hood scoop. | ||
| That thing on the hood. | ||
| That thing in front. | ||
| How are you going to paint the painting on that? | ||
| That's going to be where the fucking sticker gets... | ||
| Yeah, that's where the wrap gets put down. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| Sign off, Ari. | ||
| Dude, come on, Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sign off. | |
| Sign off. | ||
| And it says, I'm a funny guy on the side of the car. | ||
| Do you know how American men, hot-blooded American males, are furious that you're even balking momentarily? | ||
| Okay, you gotta let me pee. | ||
| I'll do that if you let me fucking pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go pee. | |
| Not now. | ||
| I'm staying in this fucking hot yoga class. | ||
| You have to pee again, don't you? | ||
| Done. | ||
| Of course I do. | ||
| I had to 15 minutes ago. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| I will greenlight you peeing in yoga class. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| We're gonna hang out. | ||
| We're gonna figure this out. | ||
| You discuss whether I can fucking pee. | ||
| I should be able to pee. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I can't believe he's concerned about this. | ||
| You think about this while you're out there. | ||
| I don't think we got as far as I thought we were going to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| No shit. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, we're four and a half hours into this motherfucker. | ||
| We barely have a handle on how the fuck this is gonna go down. | ||
| I heard handle and thought about Tito's. | ||
| That's the ZL1. See, pull up 2017 Camaro ZL1 Nurburgring time. | ||
| I think they just got some insane Nurburgring time. | ||
| I think it was faster than the Corvette Z06. That's a crazy car, man. | ||
| America's doing some nutty shit now, man. | ||
| They're developing these vehicles. | ||
| They're just off the charts fast. | ||
| Now, this Z01 is the most exciting new American car in years right now. | ||
| It's a beast. | ||
| And it's an affordable car, comparatively, compared to the kind of performance that the other cars like it, 7 minutes and 23 seconds in the Nürburgring. | ||
| That's faster than a 911 GT2 RS that's just under a McLaren F1, which is like, how much is that? | ||
| Like a million bucks? | ||
| More than a million. | ||
| And just under the C6 Corvette Z06 and the Dodge Viper ACR. So it's like 1.7 under the Dodge Viper. | ||
| And the ZR1 is like 719. So it's a crazy car. | ||
| Crazy fast car is the point. | ||
| I mean, the difference between like one second here or there, it's just a lot of that times it's like understanding the course, course conditions, driver error. | ||
| I mean, you're talking about like really close margins. | ||
| So it's a super car, an absolute super car. | ||
| It's impressive and I... I never got into cars, but I think that's... | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| I'll drive that. | ||
| But I'll probably drive it on the open road, and if I die, it's on your heads. | ||
| So you're on it. | ||
| You're on that. | ||
| But you gotta let me pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta let me pee. | |
| On the car. | ||
| If I'm drinking a bunch of water beforehand and during, it's like you're just telling me I'm gonna lose. | ||
| The tail of the car has to say, got jokes. | ||
| But as a compromise. | ||
| I can compromise off I'm a funny guy or I'm a comedian. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| Funny guy? | ||
| But this big. | ||
| How about do you think I'm funny? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Plus your website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How about need a laugh? | ||
| Need a laugh, and then your phone number. | ||
| Suck dick for chuckles. | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| We got through a lot on this podcast. | ||
| I'm super glad we did it. | ||
| Okay, so then we choose the decathlon. | ||
| It's three events, three events, the winner gets four. | ||
| What is going to be a decathlon? | ||
| Like physical events? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like runs? | ||
| To find out if anyone is really in fitness. | ||
| So if everyone completes it... | ||
| You sound like a psychopath. | ||
| It's so funny that you're talking like this. | ||
| In fitness. | ||
| Your certainty is so hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That looks like a three-chin-up arm. | |
| Your arm's like my mom after Jazzercise. | ||
| I love your level of delusion, though. | ||
| It is so exciting. | ||
| It's not delusion, man. | ||
| It's really great. | ||
| Okay, what's the reality like? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| What color is the sky? | ||
| It's been yellow this week. | ||
| You're like the hardest core Trump fan who's like, we're still doing a great job. | ||
| No problems at all. | ||
| Are you in great shape? | ||
| I'm not in great shape, apparently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| Well, I didn't... | ||
| Well, you can do three chin-ups. | ||
| I remember saying to you one time... | ||
| I said something about being famous. | ||
| You go, bro... | ||
| You're not famous. | ||
| And I was like, no, I definitely am. | ||
| And you're like, no, I'm not famous. | ||
| You're definitely not famous. | ||
| Wait, you're talking to me? | ||
| I was talking to Joe. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| And I was like, oh, it was a good leveler of what fame was. | ||
| So I was like, you get recognized a couple times a day or a day. | ||
| If you get recognized at all in a week, you're like, oh, that's crazy. | ||
| I think the fitness thing, I think if I don't drink, I feel like I feel much better. | ||
| I feel like we went back in time and you're doing another Game of Thrones thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Break down that pilot, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell us about the second episode now. | |
| Well, once the three-eyed raven took over the boy's body, his eyes roll back deep into his head, and Hodor protects him from all the nefarious beings. | ||
| You're assholes. | ||
| In your face, buddy! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| If everyone does the 30 day challenge, then we do a decathlon. | ||
| Why do you want to do a physical contest like that? | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| How about the fucking parties after the 30 days? | ||
| Parties after the 30 days. | ||
| And if we all do it, then what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We shouldn't make this too complicated because we always keep doing them after Ari realizes that LA is way better than New York and decides to stay. | ||
| Stay, bitch. | ||
| Deep into November. | ||
| And you're making the best month in New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best! | |
| Oh my god, the bagels. | ||
| They're unstoppable. | ||
| How about, and no... | ||
| The hot dogs are ripe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The bagels. | |
| You go, and no, I'm not kidding on the back of your car. | ||
| That's what it's going to say. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| Just, I'm not kidding. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| But then, like, five exclamation points. | ||
| Okay, I'll take that. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I'll take that. | ||
| That's awful, but I'll take that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| I like it. | ||
| Can you believe that shit? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| Big party. | ||
| Big party at the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait, but as soon as we- Anyone who taps out has to pay for it. | |
| We're leaving a couple days before- Look at that fucking car! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god, they did it! | ||
| Oh, just leave it just like that. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Wait, hold on, hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aesthetically, the side should also be- Shut your fucking mouth. | |
| That's a perfect car. | ||
| One of the colors of the- Just shut it! | ||
| It looks awesome, dude. | ||
| It looks great. | ||
| Red and pink? | ||
| That's not pink. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's white with pink. | ||
| It's not all pink. | ||
| It's blue with pink. | ||
| I mean, honestly, I think it should be bright blue or pink or white. | ||
| How about we give you a full pink wrap and then that's the cover? | ||
| No, that's too much. | ||
| The bright blue. | ||
| I'll do the bright blue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Talk some shit about pink. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about we get you a hot pink Camaro for a month? | ||
| Hot pink Camaro. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Someone's already done that. | ||
| I'm hacking the fucking way. | ||
| We should bring up the Amazing Racist stuff on the car. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Not today. | ||
| You should point to a website where people can go and enjoy your previous work. | ||
| Oh, yeah, type in AmazingRaces on the website. | ||
| You know no one's going to Google it. | ||
| We're in a different age now. | ||
| It says, I'm the Amazing Racist. | ||
| How about, it's a hot pink... | ||
| Camaro in the back says, I'm not Angeline. | ||
| It's Angeline. | ||
| No way, I'm not doing that. | ||
| In the car is a wig helmet. | ||
| Bright blue, black, or white as the wrap. | ||
| Or we can go red after that, but I just think it doesn't go as well. | ||
| No way, I can't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| No way, I can't do that. | ||
| Dude, I won't get laid for the fucking month. | ||
| You will, though. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I bet you get laid more. | ||
| I won't either. | ||
| How about you start wearing like an artificial fur coat and just go deep? | ||
| How about those yellow glasses that Hunter S. Thompson used to wear all the time? | ||
| Like aviators with yellow lenses? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I'm saying. | ||
| Let's go deep, Ari. | ||
| Let's take this to the next level. | ||
| How about you wear like a little fur on your neck? | ||
| You have to wear wardrobes at every yoga class. | ||
| I don't even want to come here. | ||
| I can't wait for yoga. | ||
| I can't wait for yoga pants. | ||
| Yoga is going to be fucking hard to watch Ari. | ||
| You have to wear yoga pants. | ||
| Yoga pants. | ||
| Oh, I'm definitely wearing yoga pants. | ||
| Press your cock right up against your side of your legs so everybody can see, like, Jesus. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'll take fucking pills beforehand. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| That might actually help your performance. | ||
| You know, that stuff... | ||
| Stop me from peeing. | ||
| That stuff's some sort of a performance-enhancing drug. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Some sort of performance. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| It's like it works to enhance your performance at certain athletic events. | ||
| It's banned at certain events. | ||
| So the stakes are a party? | ||
| I feel like I said that, but somebody told me it was wrong and I forgot. | ||
| Make sure that that's true. | ||
| Is Viagra banned in the Olympics? | ||
| I think I might have said it is. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| It is. | ||
| I think I might have said it is. | ||
| No, John Jones didn't bring Viagra. | ||
| He took 7-11 ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it was different. | |
| It had Clomathene and a bunch of other shit in it. | ||
| I don't think that's true. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I think, actually, Jeff Nowitzki, the USADA guy, might have explained it to me. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| So the stakes. | ||
| The stakes, Joe. | ||
| Okay, the stakes. | ||
| What are the stakes for doing it or not doing it? | ||
| Let Jamie explain. | ||
| Hold on, guys. | ||
| Viagra is not currently listed as a banned drug. | ||
| In USADA? In sports. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know about USADA. Sports. | |
| Okay. | ||
| I'm wrong. | ||
| So if everyone does it, if we do it, if we don't do it, what are the stakes here? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| Everyone who doesn't complete the whole challenge has to throw... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do we do? | |
| Five grand. | ||
| Five grand? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Not everyone's making... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Money. | ||
| I thought we were throwing a party. | ||
| Yeah, throw a party. | ||
| Yeah, well, someone's got to pay for it. | ||
| Yeah, obviously the person's doing it will pay for it, but make it nice. | ||
| It's not about the money. | ||
| It's about what you decide to do with it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You're going to have linens and a fucking DJ? Or are you going to have a good party? | ||
| Are you going to have a party that would be super annoying to go to? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want that. | |
| I want to make it fun for everybody else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, what kind of party would that be? | ||
| I want Bill Burr there, I want Stan Hope there. | ||
| That's up to them! | ||
| We can't make that a part of the bet. | ||
| They'll come. | ||
| Alright, you can invite them if you wanted to. | ||
| Bill's not gonna come. | ||
| Bill would go in a fucking heartbeat. | ||
| He's got a kid, man. | ||
| He's busy. | ||
| He's got a young baby. | ||
| Bill would go, Doug would go. | ||
| He has told me, and I quote, I do not like Burr Kreischer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unquote. | |
| You're such a liar sometimes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| This podcast took a dark turn. | ||
| We gotta go, dude. | ||
| It's eight hours into this, bitch. | ||
| Okay, so October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Straight sober through October. | |
| You have to wear a bracelet. | ||
| 15 days of hot yoga. | ||
| 15 days of hot yoga. | ||
| I'll wear a bracelet. | ||
| We'll figure out this party thing. | ||
| We should throw a really cool party that we'd want to be at. | ||
| If there's somebody that does clearly win, there's obviously some spin that it's... | ||
| To me. | ||
| You're going to win? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| How's that going to happen? | ||
| 98%. | ||
| How's that going to happen? | ||
| You'll see. | ||
| Well, what are you going to win? | ||
| You're going to be the only guy that does it? | ||
| But how would you win if we all do it? | ||
| I think Ari's going to tap out with the yoga. | ||
| Probably true. | ||
| But this is the thing. | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| Just the thought process that would allow you to jump ahead and say, me, I'm going to win. | ||
| We don't even know what winning is. | ||
| That's why this is so ridiculous. | ||
| Like, if winning, if we both do it, how are you going to beat me? | ||
| How are you beating me? | ||
| I think that... | ||
| You think you're going to, right? | ||
| So tell me how. | ||
| We both do it. | ||
| How do you win? | ||
| I'm a Mickey Mantle guy. | ||
| Doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I'm a Mickey Mantle. | ||
| That's adorable. | ||
| I can't go into this going, I'm going to fail. | ||
| That was the option. | ||
| Why would you say that you're going to win, and how could you win? | ||
| Why would you be so quick to jump to the idea that you would win? | ||
| Just the way I'm groomed. | ||
| Carefully considering what the other options would be. | ||
| I believe in winning. | ||
| Wow, bro. | ||
| You're like American. | ||
| You should be a bald eagle. | ||
| I'm a little competitive, and once this challenge starts, dude, I'm fucking committed. | ||
| You should be a Kid Rock tattoo. | ||
| Let me tell you, I will not lose. | ||
| I will not lose. | ||
| Wow, that's amazing. | ||
| Didn't you say that before? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He lost. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Oh, for one, we should believe him. | ||
| This doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I'm so confused. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I hear what he's saying, and I want to just believe him. | |
| What's wrong? | ||
| I mean, you tell me. | ||
| Am I gullible? | ||
| Am I gullible? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Go run 20 miles. | ||
| Hey, man, I feel like he could do a marathon easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy, bro. | |
| I feel like he's in great shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I go one step further. | ||
| I think you did a marathon while we were on. | ||
| Yeah, and I feel like he's quit drinking for many, many days, numerous times. | ||
| Last time on... | ||
| And I feel like other alcoholics are gonna be, fuck you Segura and Rogan and Shafir, you fucking assholes are ganging up on your friend when he needs you most. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What he needs you to do is validate all of his exaggerations and bullshit stories. | |
| Hyperbole. | ||
| What if we all do it? | ||
| What are the stakes if we all do it? | ||
| Or if none of us do it. | ||
| We can continue that part. | ||
| It should be a trip. | ||
| It should be a trip. | ||
| That's what we did last time. | ||
| I think the party, though, is different, and it has to do with... | ||
| A party's nice. | ||
| Invite all our friends, take a night off comedy. | ||
| That's fun, man. | ||
| Just do a real party. | ||
| Have an open bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have music. | |
| Yeah, just a fun party. | ||
| Get a cool band that wants to play for us. | ||
| That sounds fun. | ||
| Cigars, joints, alcohol. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Good time. | ||
| So we're all agreed. | ||
| The entire month of October? | ||
| It's on. | ||
| It's on. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| 15 hot yogas. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| You can pee twice. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I pee when I have to pee. | ||
| I'll come right back in. | ||
| You have two pee sessions for the whole month. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| 15 days. | ||
| You're making me lose. | ||
| I will pee. | ||
| I will try not to pee. | ||
| Don't piss yourself. | ||
| I will run out, pee, and come right back in. | ||
| Or provide me a safe scenario where I can pee in the room. | ||
| We'll figure it out already. | ||
| Behind a curtain. | ||
| So, hot yoga, no booze, Sober October is our website. | ||
| We've got it. | ||
| Sober Burttober. | ||
| No, sober Burttober. | ||
| You lost it? | ||
| Somebody grabbed it while we were doing it? | ||
| I was trying to check out, and someone got it on our website. | ||
| Hey, can you just send it to us, please? | ||
| What? | ||
| These cunts. | ||
| You can solicit it. | ||
| How dare you, folks? | ||
| No, I'm not paying them for that. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| No, they'll just give it to us. | ||
| They'll give it to us. | ||
| They might not. | ||
| I want it. | ||
| It might be some person who's like an industrious. | ||
| Oh, what a dick. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| They knew we were buying it. | ||
| Think the good side. | ||
| Obviously, if you listen to the podcast, you know that don't be a cunt. | ||
| Why would they buy it? | ||
| To make sure that no one else got it. | ||
| They could be that person. | ||
| Maybe they didn't realize it and they'd be like, oh, yeah, my bad, my bad. | ||
| Here, take it back. | ||
| Give me the $12 for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't. | |
| We don't need to do it. | ||
| We can do it all through social media. | ||
| We can do it another place if we have to. | ||
| We will document it all through social media. | ||
| 15 days of hot yoga, 30 days of sobriety. | ||
| Go to DrunkFatBurt.com and see if... | ||
| Don't say it out loud. | ||
| Just buy it next time, Tom. | ||
| DrunkFatBurt.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop, stop, stop. | |
| That's not the fucking website. | ||
| Jamie, go to Two Fingers. | ||
| Go to Two Fingers. | ||
| Type quickly. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That's not the website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| FatFatBurt.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking God! | |
| DrunkFatBird.org. | ||
| Get that too. | ||
| In case we need to start a fund. | ||
| DrunkFatBird.org. | ||
| Please say it's not already bought. | ||
| DrunkFatBird.net. | ||
| DrunkFatBird.org would be way better. | ||
| DrunkFatBird.org would be the best one. | ||
| DrunkFatBird.tv if we get optioned for a series. | ||
| DrunkFatBird.us to show patriotism. | ||
| And to show that he could be a Kid Rock tattoo. | ||
| DrunkFatBurt. | ||
| ISIS, if you just want to combat terrorism from within with a little simple yoga contest. | ||
| Oh shit, what's going on, Jamie? | ||
| Good goddamn podcast. | ||
| Can we say dates? | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Say it away. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll be in Los Angeles September 13th doing a storytelling show in the main room of the Comedy Store. | ||
| Good God. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you the lineup. | ||
| It's going to be great. | ||
| And then tickets go on sale on Friday. | ||
| New, whatever, pre-sale on Wednesday for Boston, Providence. | ||
| What are you doing in Boston? | ||
| Doing the Wilbur for the first time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| That's all in, like, January. | ||
| And I got a storytelling show in Denver at the Comedy Works, also in January. | ||
| Awesome sale now. | ||
| The whole tour will be out soon. | ||
| Wilbur's on my shortlist for filming my new Netflix special. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Wish I said Netflix clearer. | ||
| My Netflix special. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the Wilbur's on DrunkFatBird.com. | ||
| Do we have it? | ||
| Do we have it? | ||
| We have it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got it! | |
| Woo! | ||
| We got it. | ||
| We're gonna build that shit out. | ||
| There's a short list for where to do my Netflix special. | ||
| My short list is Austin at Cap City Comedy Club, Boston, The Wilbur, and I'm thinking a couple other places, a couple other small places. | ||
| Those are the two places. | ||
| I'm leaning more towards Comedy Club, but The Wilbur is like three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other. | ||
| The Wilbur is like very deep, or very shallow, rather. | ||
| It's only 300 seats. | ||
| It's like three floors of 300 seats each. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| You've never done it? | ||
| I've done it for shit long time. | ||
| I've done it with Rogan before. | ||
| Oh, it's fucked, dude. | ||
| When are you doing the Wilbur? | ||
| In January. | ||
| I might go with you. | ||
| I might go with you just to see what it's like to watch a set there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Feel it again. | ||
| Because I have to make a decision. | ||
| Somewhere around January is when I wanted to make the decision of where I want to be. | ||
| I will say, if you do it at a club, keep me in mind. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm doing my special with the Trocadero. | ||
| Trocadero. | ||
| In Philly. | ||
| Philadelphia. | ||
| Oh, the Trocadero Theater. | ||
| That place is awesome. | ||
| It's got a lot of, like, Tom and I had a great conversation when you did the Troc. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People said Tom couldn't sell a ticket, and then he sold, what, six? | ||
| No, I did, I think, four or five, something like that. | ||
| I think five shows at the Troc. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Philly's an epic comedy city. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| It's an epic comedy city, too. | ||
| You did five shows at the Troc. | ||
| I think it was four or five, I don't remember. | ||
| It was five. | ||
| It was five. | ||
| Trust me, I know your story's better than you do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's impressive, man. | ||
| They have helium. | ||
| It's one of the best clubs in the country. | ||
| That's a great club. | ||
| That's another spot. | ||
| I'm thinking of going there now, but maybe... | ||
| That's another spot where you could do a special. | ||
| Do a special helium. | ||
| That could be real. | ||
| Helium's hard with... | ||
| I'm doing the Paramount in a couple of weeks. | ||
| The cameras, the amount of seats you have to lose in such a tight space. | ||
| Do you though? | ||
| I've thought about it. | ||
| Like with today, with what they can do today with cameras? | ||
| You know, if you could really put a lot of small cameras up on the wall, mount them on the wall, get all your footage, and then decide what you pick. | ||
| And the only reason why you would move from the center shot is if someone gets in front of it. | ||
| And then you'd have to really strongly... | ||
| If budget is not a problem, you could spend, let's say, four or five hundred thousand dollars. | ||
| Let me be honest. | ||
| This is my feeling on stand-up on television now, as it stands. | ||
| I feel like when you're watching someone in the audience, you're sitting there and you're watching them, you're seeing them like from the waist up, right? | ||
| Or close to it, at the store, something like that, which is like perfect environment. | ||
| At the Ice House, same deal, perfect environment. | ||
| That's how you should watch it at home. | ||
| You should watch it flat on with no edits. | ||
| The only time I think you should ever show side to side is if you have to edit something or if someone's doing something that's odd. | ||
| I think it gets a little boring. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| I think it gets a little boring. | ||
| It doesn't get boring when I watch stand-up. | ||
| No, but here's what you do when you watch stand-up. | ||
| Your eye automatically on its own shifts back and forth. | ||
| You get to choose what you're seeing. | ||
| You look over the piano guy. | ||
| You're not looking straight on at the stage the whole time. | ||
| As long as what they're saying is funny and it's good and they're locked into it, I think it's the best way to do it. | ||
| I don't think that's the best way to do it because you're conscious of the fact they're changing angles. | ||
| Why does that enhance the bit? | ||
| I don't think it does. | ||
| I think we're thought that it does because they do that with everything else, like music videos, rock and roll concerts, anything that people do, they go at it from different angles because it sort of stimulates your mind. | ||
| But I don't think, if you went to see a stand-up comic, you go to see Joey Diaz in the OR, you're watching him head-on and it's perfect. | ||
| Sometimes you're looking at his waist. | ||
| Sometimes you're looking at his belly. | ||
| You can do that while you're watching. | ||
| You can do that when you're watching him from the waist up. | ||
| You can do that if you're watching him from where the head of the crowd is to him. | ||
| I think you should have different angles. | ||
| Someone wants different angles. | ||
| I'm listening to you. | ||
| I just paid for this myself. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| And I can tell you, from me going, like, I've been on TV for a while and I know what I'm doing, I still got a plethora of cameras, including a jib. | ||
| You don't want a jib. | ||
| You should get something that flies around like a drone. | ||
| I was in the comedy works. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| Get a drone, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy. | |
| No, you need a drone pilot. | ||
| You need a drone pilot, but you're good. | ||
| I'm super serious. | ||
| Super serious. | ||
| Super serious. | ||
| Fuck off you. | ||
| I'll be in... | ||
| Oh, Tommy's shooting a special in Denver. | ||
| Two nights before, the Fox Theater in Oakland, and then I go to the Toronto, the Sony Center at the end of the month. | ||
| I have a bunch of dates up. | ||
| Go to TomSeguro.com. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| There's only tickets available for Tom's Late Show in Denver, and there are just a few, and I know that because I was just in Denver. | ||
| And I was saying it every show, because I got nothing but... | ||
| Love in my heart, I got... | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Denver might be the best place to do comedy in the world. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Might be. | ||
| It's right up there. | ||
| There's a certain... | ||
| They're in the mountains. | ||
| They're kind of freaks. | ||
| They're survivals of the people that travel from the Old West. | ||
| And there's a bunch of people that move there because weed's legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the money's flowing like water. | ||
| It's cool there, man. | ||
| It's a weird spot. | ||
| It's a weird spot. | ||
| I'm doing the Belco. | ||
| I think I'm there in November or something like that. | ||
| That Belco theater? | ||
| That's awesome, too. | ||
| Denver's the shit, man. | ||
| Did I say dates? | ||
| You did not. | ||
| Singapore, September 9th. | ||
| Still have a solid half of a room to move in Singapore. | ||
| Don't worry, it's a walk-up market. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I hear that a lot. | ||
| How many people live in Singapore that are English-speaking? | ||
| Apparently all of them. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they all speak English in Singapore. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all his dates. | ||
| I will. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Perth on the 11th, Sydney on the 13th, Melbourne on the 14th, Sydney again on the 16th, and Brisbane on the 19th. | ||
| I like how you said Brisbane and I like it from there. | ||
| I said Melbourne wrong. | ||
| Brisbane. | ||
| Brisbane, Melbourne. | ||
| Alright, fuckers. | ||
| Jesus, this was crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| What a goddamn podcast. | ||
| October. | ||
| No booze. | ||
| Lots of yoga. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| DrunkFatBurt.com. | ||
| It's going down. | ||
| DrunkFatBurt.com. | ||
| It's for all your DrunkFatBurt needs. | ||
| We get Squarespace to hook that up. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Goodnight, everybody. | ||
| Alright! | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| This is gonna be fucking suck dick. |
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