Aug. 18, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:33:54
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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Two, five, four, three, two. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yee-haw! | ||
| We're live, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| A thousand episodes. | ||
| Tom Scora, Joey motherfucking Diaz. | ||
| We're delayed in starting, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We did not have a lighter. | ||
| That was a real panic set in here. | ||
| That's embarrassing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought some shit was really going to go down. | ||
| But thank God I am petrified of earthquakes and situations. | ||
| I don't put slippers on. | ||
| I sleep with sneakers on. | ||
| I got a generator. | ||
| I got a generator dog. | ||
| Do you store water? | ||
| Water tools. | ||
| I got two weapons. | ||
| I got an AR-15. | ||
| Have you been out here for an earthquake? | ||
| One of them that didn't scare me, but I was just sitting by the computer and I was looking at the cat bowls. | ||
| You get high and I was looking at the cats and I was looking at the cat bowls and all of a sudden the whole building tipped. | ||
| I saw the cat balls up in the air spinning and the cats running for their lives. | ||
| They were acting weird a couple seconds before that and that's why I go, why are they so fucked up? | ||
| Oh, they were acting weird before the earthquake. | ||
| They say animals can figure things out. | ||
| So I started looking at the cat bowls. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| That they're doing that. | ||
| And all of a sudden, dog, I just saw the cat bowls. | ||
| It's like a cartoon up in the air, spinning the earthquake, and the whole building shifted. | ||
| I heard the bricks, the whole thing. | ||
| I thought about it being at night, sleep apnea. | ||
| You got to have a conveyor, whatever the fuck. | ||
| And they sell like for $600, you get one with everything. | ||
| Lights, an iron, it fucking cleans your water. | ||
| You have to have this shit. | ||
| You panic about what earthquakes are like before you move here. | ||
| I remember the first week I was here, I was in an apartment. | ||
| In Sherman Oaks. | ||
| And I was standing at the kitchen counter of this person's apartment on their laptop doing like sending an email. | ||
| And I felt a little, and I go, in my head, I go, oh, that's the subway. | ||
| And I kept typing. | ||
| And then he goes, did you feel that? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| And he's like, crazy, right? | ||
| That's the earth shake underneath your feet. | ||
| And I was like, oh! | ||
| And it's like a panic sets in. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, I've actually experienced the earth moving now. | ||
| And then the next step is like when you are, like if you're asleep and then you hear the dresser, you know, or something that's hanging on your wall bumping, you're like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| It takes you that extra beat to figure out that you're going through an earthquake. | ||
| That extra beat is fucked. | ||
| How many have you been through? | ||
| Nothing big, but like fives, 5.5s, a couple of those. | ||
| The first one I was in was an aftershock of the Northridge earthquake. | ||
| I was staying in North Hollywood, and I was in this shitty apartment. | ||
| It was made out of the same boxes that they used to ship refrigerators in. | ||
| Literally, the walls, when the earthquake hit, the walls just went like this. | ||
| I mean, like the whole thing was just like a giant was pushing on the house. | ||
| Scary as fuck, right? | ||
| Yeah, well, it's humbling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you realize, like, this is nothing. | ||
| This isn't chewing up the street. | ||
| This isn't knocking over any houses. | ||
| Imagine what it felt like when that big one hit and it hit for 30 seconds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For 30 seconds is so long to feel the ground moving. | ||
| That's why those people moved to Boulder. | ||
| Well, that's why. | ||
| I was just going to say that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you have that experience... | ||
| There's some people that, because for a few days after Northbridge, there was aftershocks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's people that one day look at their kids and go, I'm not going through this again. | ||
| I work in Wilshire. | ||
| I work on Wilshire. | ||
| I have a big building. | ||
| What if? | ||
| What if I was in that fucking building? | ||
| What if? | ||
| So a lot of people, just a bad... | ||
| That's what everybody's waiting for. | ||
| An earthquake here, because then people leave and they sell their houses for dirt cheap. | ||
| Like, fuck it, we're out. | ||
| It does happen. | ||
| We're out. | ||
| We're gone. | ||
| They don't ever want to experience it again. | ||
| But then I see a guy like my uncle who's lived here since 55. And I've asked him, were you ever scared? | ||
| And he goes, you know, you feel them, but... | ||
| Dude, when I first moved here, before I first moved here, I was out here for meetings, and I went by a section of the highway, I think it was the 10, that had collapsed, and they were moving cars around it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And as we're, is this what happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is this, an apartment building that collapsed? | ||
| Yeah, just Northridge earthquake. | ||
| Oh, this is the Northridge one? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah, dude, that was a fucking serious earthquake, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, fucking serious. | ||
| And when I was driving by this one section of the highway, it collapsed on the lower section. | ||
| And I remember thinking, that's just shit luck. | ||
| Like this right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Like, you could be there, and that is just shit luck. | ||
| It is, really. | ||
| Blam! | ||
| That thing lands on you, and that's how you go. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I am a hard-working individual. | ||
| I really try to do anything I could to help myself. | ||
| But when people call me and tell me they want me to go to a meeting, In Santa Monica, after like three, unless I'm picking up an envelope, I tell him no. | ||
| Remember when that kid won the Oscar for Modern Family and he said, I was always the guy that went to Ocean Avenue at 5 for those auditions? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You deserve an Oscar because... | ||
| When you switch from the 10 to the 405, you gotta wait on that ramp. | ||
| That is such first world privilege right there. | ||
| And if you're fucking high and you're in the middle of that ramp, your mind starts playing. | ||
| I'm telling you, I've been stuck on that ramp and I've gone never again. | ||
| I want to go through this ramp. | ||
| I don't ever want to be in the middle of that ramp. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| Your mind starts playing with you and you remember those images and you go, fuck that. | ||
| Okay, let's plan this right now. | ||
| If the shit hits the fan and this thing shakes to the ground, where are we going? | ||
| Because listen, one of the main reasons why I like being in LA is because I like you guys. | ||
| Yeah, so we're going to all go. | ||
| For real, like 100%. | ||
| That was the thing that bothered me the most about Colorado. | ||
| There was a lot of nice people out there, but I didn't know you guys weren't out there. | ||
| You were alone. | ||
| It's a weird feeling to be alone. | ||
| I would see you when we worked together, but there's something fun about running into you guys all the time. | ||
| It makes life better. | ||
| We do sets at the store. | ||
| The factory, and wherever we're at. | ||
| It's more fun. | ||
| It makes life more fun. | ||
| I would do it. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I would do a group move to Colorado. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| I love that state. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| The group move to Colorado is the right way. | ||
| You gotta remember, guys, it's not our decision in that. | ||
| It could be you go home and Mrs. Rogan sits you down and go, I'm not living through this again. | ||
| In fact, I packed the bags. | ||
| I'm going to Colorado without you. | ||
| I'm going to a hotel. | ||
| Some people, it affects that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That they go, like, this ends today. | |
| With that earthquake, you're saying? | ||
| I bet if you feel it, if you feel that motherfucker, the ones that take down highways, if you feel that, you're like, oh my god. | ||
| This is not even a really big one. | ||
| Really big ones change the shape of continents. | ||
| True. | ||
| I mean, that's the real fear. | ||
| The real fear is there's a giant one, like a 10 or an 11. Part of you, by the way, always feels kind of crazy. | ||
| Like when I was growing up in Florida with hurricanes, that like after a hurricane, you're like, are we staying after this? | ||
| Yeah, it happens all the time. | ||
| That's Florida's mentality. | ||
| We'll just board up and get beer. | ||
| Yeah, but there's something about a hurricane that, like, for whatever reason, I feel like if you're just in the basement, the top blows off the thing, and you just fucking strap yourself down like a wild ride at Disneyland. | ||
| But now they give you these warnings, they're like, you're definitely gonna die if you're at the beach. | ||
| And people still are like, fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| I had my friend's mom. | ||
| His mom is like 70-something years old. | ||
| And this big one was coming. | ||
| They're like, this time we're not fucking around. | ||
| This is a Category 5. This is going to absolutely devastate this area. | ||
| And she was like, absolutely not. | ||
| I've been here 40-some years. | ||
| Nothing ever fucking happens. | ||
| And he begged her and she was like, no. | ||
| And it's like, you know, those reports are always rolling the dice because they'll say it's going to be this bad and then it'll, you know, it'll turn or it'll land different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it turned into like a tropical storm. | ||
| She was like, see? | ||
| But she was like the only person that stayed. | ||
| Like, everybody else, we would always bail. | ||
| I don't know if you were ever there for a hurricane, but, like, we would always book it, man. | ||
| As soon as they were like, this thing is gonna land, we're like, no, there's no way. | ||
| And even driving in those tropical storms was unreal, man. | ||
| Like, you can't see... | ||
| An inch in front of the car. | ||
| It's like you're driving through a car wash. | ||
| We had a stop once. | ||
| Were you with me when Eddie did that seminar in Miami when we were working at West Palm? | ||
| Did you go down with us? | ||
| No. | ||
| Eddie was doing a seminar in Miami. | ||
| We were in West Palm. | ||
| It's like a half hour away. | ||
| So we left to go to the seminar, and we were stopped dead on the highway. | ||
| You could not see an inch in front of the windshield. | ||
| It was fucking crazy! | ||
| It lasted for about 15 minutes, but it was just... | ||
| The sky opened up. | ||
| All the time there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the time. | |
| We don't even know what rain is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| We don't even know. | ||
| And I never knew growing up. | ||
| Like in Boston. | ||
| Growing up. | ||
| Growing up in Boston, I never saw that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We saw it rain. | ||
| We never saw that. | ||
| Like that's some next level. | ||
| I haven't really seen it duplicated since leaving there. | ||
| I saw one bad. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| As a child, I saw one bad rainstorm in Jersey. | ||
| Where the clouds got dark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It started hailing. | ||
| Have you ever lived through hailing in Colorado? | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| Did you see videos of when people's cars are just getting destroyed? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And there's one guy had a film of a lake. | ||
| They were watching it and it slowly ramps up. | ||
| It's like one, two, one, two. | ||
| And he's like, whoa, look at the size of this hail. | ||
| And then all of a sudden it's, fuck! | ||
| It's literally like we're being attacked with rocks from space. | ||
| Like here, watch this. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this fucking guy's pool! | ||
| Yeah, there's a gang of these, man. | ||
| But, like, look at this one. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| That's rocks! | ||
| Those are ice rocks! | ||
| It fucks people's cars up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is insane! | |
| Oh, destroys. | ||
| Destroys cars. | ||
| Whenever this happens in Colorado... | ||
| Look at the fucking water, dude! | ||
| A thousand roofers moved to Colorado. | ||
| Because there's work for two fucking years. | ||
| Yeah, but you get KO'd! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| Yeah, look at it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's getting worse! | |
| This is insane! | ||
| Dude, you get KO'd. | ||
| Okay, especially if you're like a little kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, definitely. | |
| Imagine being a five-year-old out in this and you get fucking pummeled to death. | ||
| Has anybody ever died from hail? | ||
| It has to have happened. | ||
| Seems like it. | ||
| The first week I moved to LA, Tom Segura, the first week I moved to LA on a Monday, and that Friday was the North Hollywood shootout. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was like, I'm not sure if this was the place for me. | ||
| That was that week? | ||
| That Monday I came in, I was living with Stanhope, I went to find a job that Friday, and there was a bunch of traffic, and they were like, nah, there's a North Hollywood shootout. | ||
| I didn't know what North Hollywood was. | ||
| That shootout changed policing nationwide. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| That incident changed the way they viewed having weapons, changed their training. | ||
| They never even contemplated that people would rob a bank with fully automatic machine guns. | ||
| Do you remember the scenes of the guy coming out with the body armor just fucking blasting? | ||
| And that dude was laying by a car after he was hit, just shooting up at helicopters and shit. | ||
| That was fucking crazy, man. | ||
| I remember that national news. | ||
| That was just like a big fucking deal. | ||
| You couldn't get on the 101. No, I was in the news radio break room. | ||
| We were getting ready to film a scene, and we were watching it. | ||
| Me and Candy Alexander huddled up together going, what in the fuck? | ||
| Everybody came in, guys, get in here, get in here! | ||
| We were all in there watching. | ||
| They're like, what in the fuck? | ||
| And it changed the way they, what kind of tactics they use and the equipment they give police. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Monday night. | ||
| They had 38s back then. | ||
| They still reference it all the time. | ||
| I did a ride-along two months ago with the Hollywood division. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| And the guy was still talking about it. | ||
| He's like, we have this because of this shootout. | ||
| And you know, that's a lot of people say, oh man, fucking militarization of the police, man. | ||
| And there's a lot of it that's not good. | ||
| You give people too much power, it's not good. | ||
| But if some shit happens like that, they need that. | ||
| Otherwise, they're sitting ducks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know what kind of weapons you get on the streets right now? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Do you have any fucking idea of the firepower? | ||
| You get on the streets, some AR-15s. | ||
| You get some wild shit on the fucking street. | ||
| All you have to do is this number. | ||
| It's real quick, mathematics, for anybody who's interested. | ||
| There's 350 million people somewhere around this country. | ||
| There's more guns than there are people. | ||
| And they're still making guns. | ||
| Every day they make guns. | ||
| There's a gun-making industry. | ||
| It's gigantic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're making all kinds of guns all over the country. | ||
| Every year, newer, higher tech. | ||
| They're not getting rid of any guns. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Like all those guns for toys. | ||
| Oh, give back your gun and you'll get a toy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| Someone's a factory going on right now. | ||
| They're cranking out ARs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ka-bang, ka-bang, ka-bang. | |
| And one person's like, here you go. | ||
| Some rusty old.22 for a teddy bear. | ||
| I'll take you to a fucking handball court. | ||
| You'd get anything except a hunting rifle. | ||
| I can't believe they're playing handball still. | ||
| That's how they get that. | ||
| Who's dedicated to handball? | ||
| Who's like, I'm going to be the best, bro? | ||
| When you get out of prison. | ||
| What do you think you do in prison? | ||
| You play handball. | ||
| So when you get out, you claim disability, you play handball all day, and it's a cover for you, that you're half a Momo, but you play handball, but you sell guns that kill. | ||
| You'll get a gun at a handball court for $50 that shot three people. | ||
| That gun hasn't missed. | ||
| A motherfucker shot himself, a motherfucker committed suicide long range with those guns. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They got guns that don't miss on the little handball courts. | ||
| Did you play handball in prison, is that you said? | ||
| I played handball like the first two weeks, and it just wasn't for me. | ||
| I played in Colorado because there was a few guys from the Bronx. | ||
| So when I went to Summit County, because I was arrested in Boulder, but once you start your state sentence, they were going to send me to Missouri or Texas. | ||
| I ended up going to Summit County. | ||
| Summit County is like... | ||
| We don't really have bars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| You could just do what you want here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| At night at 10 o'clock the guard would go to the Pathmark. | ||
| Not Pathmark, like a supermarket. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And get us chips and sodas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It was like a fucking daycare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So did you get along? | ||
| Everyone got along pretty well? | ||
| Yeah, I hung out with a dude from the Bronx that played handball and we became friends together. | ||
| He had been on the run for 12 years. | ||
| But this guy was brilliant. | ||
| He was fucking brilliant. | ||
| Like, the shit he had done, he had driven the cops. | ||
| Like, what's that movie Leonardo DiCaprio did? | ||
| Cast me if you can. | ||
| Like, he was that guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the final thing he did to them was, they caught him and he set him up on a drug sting. | ||
| Like, I read the paperwork. | ||
| It was brilliant. | ||
| He set him up on a drug sting. | ||
| He said, I know where I could go buy 10 kilos of coke. | ||
| The cops actually gave him $250,000 cash to buy the 10 kilos of coke. | ||
| He set it up with his friend to have a car behind the house. | ||
| The car was empty. | ||
| The house was empty. | ||
| The cops never even did a background check to see who lived in the house. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| The house was empty. | ||
| He went through the front and went out the back and disappeared, traveled for ten years. | ||
| And he came back to the States because his dad died and they arrested him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He took a chance ten years ago. | ||
| Ten years ago, he went to like Aruba. | ||
| And just play the shuffleboard handball. | ||
| That's a dark world. | ||
| The world of the expat and those South American tourist communities. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like that... | ||
| It's pretty sizable, too, right? | ||
| It's very sizable. | ||
| All over Mexico, there's a lot of people in Brazil and all parts of South America. | ||
| I had a friend that's dad was island hopping all throughout his adolescence just to avoid taxes. | ||
| Just to avoid taxes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then the crazy thing to me is that they came here, like they came back eventually, and I'm like, so is he in trouble? | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| How is he not in trouble? | ||
| He's like, I don't know. | ||
| Aren't they gonna catch him? | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| What do you mean, man? | ||
| He's here now. | ||
| Is that a whole new identity? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Don't worry about that. | ||
| Does he pay taxes? | ||
| No. | ||
| Now he doesn't? | ||
| He still doesn't. | ||
| He's blowing up his spot. | ||
| And then my friend was still like, you know you don't have to pay taxes. | ||
| Oh, one of those guys. | ||
| Talk to Wesley Snipes. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| He goes, Google it. | ||
| I was like, Google it? | ||
| You have to pay taxes, man. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| When that's your thing, just look it up, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
| Pay your taxes. | ||
| That's the worst advice. | ||
| They'll lock you up so quick. | ||
| They'll fuck you up, of course. | ||
| And it doesn't matter if you pay them. | ||
| See, if you owe money to, say, like, Exxon, you know, whatever, they'll sue you. | ||
| You have to pay the money. | ||
| You pay the money. | ||
| But if the IRS, if you owe money to the IRS, they put you in a fucking cage. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Regardless of if you pay. | ||
| Whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Let's say you owe. | ||
| Even if you agree to pay it, they say, yeah, you're going to go in a cage first. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Pay your taxes. | ||
| If you owe a company money, They file a judgment against you, and then they sell the paper, and then you get called at comedy clubs like I used to. | ||
| You know, when I first started comedy, I owed so much money. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| I'd go to a comedy club, and the manager would go, you just got a call. | ||
| You just got three calls. | ||
| And I'd go, holy shit, it's HBO. Really, like collections? | ||
| In my mind, I would go, it's HBO, oh shit. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they would go, Joey, it's the same guy. | ||
| And I'd pick up the phone, Joey, Discover card, we never got that payment. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They fucking figured out. | ||
| They have tremendous scams to people looking for you. | ||
| They have a computer that they'll go on to see what are the numbers that usually call you, and they'll get that number, and when they call you, that number will come up. | ||
| Over your caller ID. They do some illegal shit when they're looking for you. | ||
| But when you get a judgment from Exxon, seven years, you don't pay it. | ||
| It goes away. | ||
| The government, that judgment never goes away. | ||
| That and the student loan. | ||
| These motherfuckers that tell student loans to suck their dick. | ||
| Oh, yeah, student loans. | ||
| That's even more intense than IRS stuff. | ||
| Well, you know, that's all the government as well. | ||
| The thing about student loans is it doesn't get erased when you go to bankruptcy. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't get erased. | ||
| So if you file for bankruptcy, anything else is gone. | ||
| I paid a student loan. | ||
| I thought it was cute. | ||
| I took the last one out, the 2625, the minimum. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I've known a couple of people. | ||
| They showed up about three years ago, dog, with a big old number. | ||
| I had to get an attorney to negotiate it down and get off it. | ||
| The IRS, I didn't pay taxes from 90 to 2001. What? | ||
| Dog, I was crazy. | ||
| I was hiding. | ||
| I was doing, you know, what was I making? | ||
| 8,000 years of road comic? | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Triple runs. | ||
| What am I going to file? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I didn't file. | ||
| I made money one out of the 13 years or 11 years. | ||
| And one day I walked in downtown. | ||
| I thought they were going to shoot me in the head. | ||
| I took a number. | ||
| They called my name. | ||
| I went back there. | ||
| I told them I hadn't filed in 11 years. | ||
| They asked me what I did. | ||
| I talked to the lady for a half hour. | ||
| She goes, we don't go back for seven. | ||
| So you've got seven free years. | ||
| They don't throw you in... | ||
| Listen, you have to be a dumb motherfucker for them to throw you in jail. | ||
| Or you have to be a public figure. | ||
| They give you every option, John. | ||
| The public figure, you're actually worse off than if you're some just legitimate businessman. | ||
| But if you're a public figure, I could go down there with my attorney and say, look... | ||
| I'm going to shoot ten movies in the next three years. | ||
| No, they would not let Wesley Snipes do that. | ||
| Because he gave them such a... | ||
| At first he was telling them all this shit that fuck rules and fuck the United States and black Africa and reprimand. | ||
| Yeah, he was talking about all that shit and that shit drives them crazy. | ||
| I don't think that's what he was talking about. | ||
| He made a case that he didn't owe them. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| No, I don't owe them. | ||
| No, you gotta go in there humble and they'll play with you. | ||
| Once you start talking about Amendment 11 and Thomas Jefferson, black reparations, Chinese yakuza's, they don't give a freshman as fuck. | ||
| There's a lot of those people out there that convince people that they don't have to pay taxes and it's not in the Constitution. | ||
| It's like they want to believe it, like a conspiracy theory, you know? | ||
| Well, no, it might be. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| I mean, you might have a legal argument, but it doesn't matter. | ||
| They'll put you in a fucking cage. | ||
| Tax evasion is a real law. | ||
| They'll take that money and put you in a fucking cage, and you won't make any money. | ||
| They'll put that kid from fucking the solution. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| That kid that we met at the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The solution. | |
| The situation. | ||
| Whatever his fucking name is. | ||
| Let me get a tissue paper. | ||
| What's the kid from Tarantino that we met? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| Wait, what happened to him? | ||
| He tried to... | ||
| He actually didn't just not pay his taxes. | ||
| There were some shenanigans. | ||
| He pretended he made less than he actually did. | ||
| He'll get you on that, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why these Pete Roses and They got Sinbad, remember that? | |
| They were putting him on the front page of the LA Times for years. | ||
| Do you know why though, dawg? | ||
| Mike, the situation Sarantino hit with more charges. | ||
| Including tax evasion and structuring. | ||
| Tax evasion. | ||
| Like once you structure it and you're the mastermind of it. | ||
| That's not a good sign. | ||
| You're definitely going to the farm. | ||
| You know what the craziest part of the story was to me? | ||
| For that period that they're hitting him up about, he made $9 million. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| I just was amazed. | ||
| I didn't realize that from... | ||
| I mean, I remember that show, obviously, a huge hit, but that's an incredible sum of money. | ||
| We should really pay attention to this. | ||
| To his? | ||
| Not just his, but what they can do. | ||
| Because you think about what it is, we're just talking about money, right? | ||
| And we're talking about some deception on his part, where you try to keep some money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Try to make it look like you're in the house. | ||
| You can do that with anybody else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Say if you're in some sort of a deal with Costco, and you do some sneaky shit. | ||
| They can sue you, and you'll owe them, and you have to pay them, but there's no threat of jail time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, is there? | ||
| If you tried to cook the books... | ||
| Would they get you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would they put you in jail or would they just try to fine you? | |
| They have a lot of different names. | ||
| He'd probably pay fines, though, I'm guessing, right? | ||
| Do you think it would be the same kind of scrutiny and attention, though, that he's getting? | ||
| No, I think it would be all about paying a lot of money. | ||
| Let's pretend that Mike Sorrentino, is that his name? | ||
| Let's pretend that he had some sort of a deal with Chevrolet. | ||
| And, you know, he was using his name to sell cars. | ||
| But he was fucking around with some money and cooking the books and a little bit of this, a little bit of that. | ||
| To the same tune as what was going on with the IRS. What do you think they would do to him? | ||
| Would you even be seeing this on TV? No, it would be like a suit. | ||
| Right, because what they're saying is, this guy tried to fuck the Big Daddy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, that's what they're showing you. | ||
| They're showing you that Big Daddy gets mad when you try to fuck him. | ||
| And in the grand scheme of things, it's a lot of money for an individual to earn, but it's not money that affects Big Daddy, but they're sending a message. | ||
| No, but Big Daddy's coming after you. | ||
| But here's the strange thing. | ||
| Big Daddy is just people. | ||
| Why do we let anything be Big Daddy? | ||
| We used to think of it, I think, from almost like a primitive perspective, like you have a king, or you have a leader of a tribe. | ||
| I think that's how people used to think of it. | ||
| They used to think of all these organizations, whether it's the FBI or the DEA, as being a part of that. | ||
| But there are just a bunch of fucking people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And no person should ever be Big Daddy to the point where if you have money that's owed to someone else, perhaps, and there's some sort of an argument that you've been deceptive, that they can just swoop down and take all your money. | ||
| Like, they lock it all up. | ||
| They go, no, no, no, we're fucking freezing your funds. | ||
| Exxon doesn't get to do that. | ||
| Chevy doesn't get to do that. | ||
| Other corporations don't get to do that. | ||
| But Big Daddy has the overall say. | ||
| If you violate Big Daddy's code, even though Big Daddy, you don't need to get a receipt from Big Daddy. | ||
| You give Big Daddy half your money. | ||
| And Big Daddy just takes it and spends it as they will. | ||
| Does whatever the fuck they want. | ||
| And you say, what? | ||
| You don't think you should pay taxes, you fucking hippie? | ||
| What are you, Bernie Sanders supporter? | ||
| I'm not even saying that. | ||
| Don't you think Big Daddy should be accountable? | ||
| If Big Daddy's going to be able to just throw us in a cage because we don't give him ones and zeros. | ||
| Don't you think Big Daddy should be a little bit accountable? | ||
| They should be way more accountable for their spending. | ||
| Way more! | ||
| Way more! | ||
| You should be able to check off boxes, too. | ||
| There should be needs. | ||
| Like healthcare? | ||
| Check. | ||
| Like police department? | ||
| Check. | ||
| Fire department? | ||
| Check. | ||
| Things that we all have to pay. | ||
| And then there should be elective things. | ||
| Bunch of elective shit, you know? | ||
| Well, I feel like they should also, like, our representatives should be way more willing and, like, mandated to explain in detail and, like, what they're doing, what they're spending on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I feel like a lot of, you know, House, Congress, Senate, there's just, like, an air of arrogance about the way that they even handle them. | ||
| You know, Yeah, they have power. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They're Big Daddy. | ||
| They're Big Daddy. | ||
| This aloofness that they have, it's always been upsetting to me. | ||
| It's fucking gross. | ||
| No one should be Big Daddy. | ||
| The people in Congress should be humble. | ||
| You know, that's one of the things about Obama. | ||
| Say what you want about Obama, whether you like his policies. | ||
| As a human being, that guy conducted himself better than any president ever. | ||
| The way he spoke, the way he interacted with people, the way he even responded to criticism. | ||
| I'm not talking about his policies and you might hate the affordable care. | ||
| As good as it's ever been. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is why this Trump thing is in such direct contrast. | ||
| When he's yelling the other day at some reporter and he said, you know, you're fake news. | ||
| He used that again. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| He said, be quiet, fake news, or something like that. | ||
| When he was talking about something. | ||
| You know, we can conflate the two. | ||
| If you want to talk about policy and effectiveness of an administration and just personal conduct. | ||
| Let's say you take all the politics out of it. | ||
| That's what bothers a lot of people. | ||
| To this moment still, if you just even separate politics, which a lot of people aren't in favor of, just the way he conducts himself. | ||
| Some people love it. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| Some people love it. | ||
| A very small amount of people love it. | ||
| But a lot of people are bothered by it. | ||
| They thought it was fun before he's the president. | ||
| Yeah, he was saying before, there's no debtor's prison. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no debtor's prison. | ||
| When I first got into comedy, I was getting divorced. | ||
| I was getting squeezed by an attorney. | ||
| And as much as... | ||
| I'll never forget the first day I ever miss sending a payment for anything. | ||
| Like, I'll never forget how shitty I felt that my credit rating and everything I had worked all those years was going down the toilet. | ||
| And then at that point, I said, if I'm walking on ice, I might as well dance. | ||
| I mean, I was just buying cars and fucking around and... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| They couldn't throw me in jail for all that shit. | ||
| But one night, Discover closed my account. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I went home and opened up my drawer in one of those. | ||
| Because when you want coke, you get, fuck Einstein. | ||
| You get creative, Jack. | ||
| I went home and I opened up a drawer and I saw those checks, those three checks that Discover sends you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you first went the card, get the card. | ||
| I had a bank account, a bank of Boulder or whatever it was called. | ||
| I had my car financed through there. | ||
| I went in there and they had a 24-hour drive-through. | ||
| I went in there at one o'clock and signed that check over to myself for a thousand. | ||
| I waited for two seconds and all of a sudden an envelope came out with a hundred, with ten hundreds. | ||
| I peeled and did 90 out of there. | ||
| Monday at 9.01, Discover called me and said, you got an hour. | ||
| To bring that fucking money back or we're gonna charge you with fraud. | ||
| And I was put up against the thing. | ||
| I went to the bank. | ||
| I told them it was a mistake. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| And one lady said, you know what? | ||
| I'll take that thousand. | ||
| I'll give you the thousand, but I'm gonna put it into your car loan. | ||
| And raise the payments by 25 bucks. | ||
| For every thousand, it's 25 bucks. | ||
| And that's the only reason why I didn't go to jail for that fucking thing. | ||
| So they don't put you in jail for being in debt. | ||
| They put you in jail for deception. | ||
| You know how they get athletes and entertainers? | ||
| You know what their biggest downfall is? | ||
| When they go to Comic-Cons and those autograph signings. | ||
| Oh, they don't get paid for those? | ||
| Or they get paid for those that don't report it? | ||
| There's two things. | ||
| There's the people who get $5,000 flat and you take pictures all day. | ||
| Then there's the people that get... | ||
| $10 for their t-shirt and $15 for a headshot and a smile. | ||
| Those $15 go in your pocket, bro. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And what happens is you have to give a percentage of that $15 to the guy. | ||
| It's like when you sell merch at a comedy club now. | ||
| All of a sudden, now they want 8% of your merch. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Well, that guy reports it, but Pete Rose, I'm just saying, Pete Rose. | ||
| I have nothing against Pete Rose. | ||
| He's my dog. | ||
| Pete Rose, he just puts $15 in his pocket. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or $60, or he took 10 pictures, it's $150. | ||
| That's how they come get you on all those autograph things. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| What's this? | ||
| It's from an article that somebody's talking about. | ||
| This article is talking about walking away from Comic-Con with garbage bags full of 20s. | ||
| This guy said he can make up to 250 grand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Shit. | ||
| Twice said he didn't feel a need for representation because he's walking out with a bag full of cash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Who is he? | ||
| It's like an unnamed person. | ||
| He's a source, deeply involved. | ||
| Stephen Arnell, who became so enhanced in the festival business that he started his own talent agency? | ||
| He's the star of The Arrow, the show The Arrow. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's like a comic book show on Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a lot of money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| That seems very strange, though. | ||
| So, Comic-Con, you pay for a booth, and then I think you give them 3% of your overall take. | ||
| Don't you think that's really bizarre, having people pay to come meet you? | ||
| That seems real strange. | ||
| I think it's weird to charge somebody for a picture and charge somebody to sign. | ||
| I mean, I guess the signing thing, I understand there's a bit, especially in sports, you know, it's a business. | ||
| I can understand if you're selling a book. | ||
| Or if it's your thing that you're signing. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| $500,000 a weekend? | ||
| Who the fuck gets that? | ||
| Guy from The Walking Dead, Norman Reedus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| $200,000 guarantee. | ||
| $200,000 guarantee in pocket. | ||
| $500,000 a weekend. | ||
| I know celebrities who get a flat. | ||
| And the ones that are on the way real low, like if you want Lucille Ball or if you want Happy Days or something like that, they get piecework. | ||
| I just changed my mind. | ||
| I'm all in. | ||
| I'm doing it next weekend. | ||
| I'm taking pictures with your mom, your kids. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You would never do this, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Like the other day, a friend of mine called me and he goes, I was at my dad's hospital room the other day and it was the funniest thing. | ||
| Joe Rogan, a young Joe Rogan sitting around a campfire with people. | ||
| He goes, I never saw that episode. | ||
| And all of a sudden he pulled out a bag of dicks and he made everybody eat dicks. | ||
| He goes, me and my dad were fucking howling. | ||
| You know, for some people in 10 years, they're going to come to you and say, can I take a picture for $10? | ||
| I love Fear Factor. | ||
| And you're sitting there going, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| I think it's a bad relationship. | ||
| It is, but when they go to Comic-Con, Yeah. | ||
| They take their whole savings out. | ||
| They're ready to go down there. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| And it's a shame. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| It's a fucking shame, but there's people who do it to make a living. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| I don't have any problem with it, and I don't have any problem with people doing it to make a living. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| But I was just saying, that's how you get nailed. | ||
| That's how they nail you. | ||
| Don't you think, though? | ||
| I mean, could you see yourself doing that? | ||
| I'm too embarrassed. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Listen, when I was a coke fiend, I couldn't sell CDs after a show. | ||
| So what does that tell you? | ||
| Why couldn't you? | ||
| I'm just too embarrassed. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I have a hard time. | ||
| I'd rather shake your hand and hug you and get the fuck out than you not come up to me because I'm selling a $25 CD. Yeah, that's a funny thing about you, Joey. | ||
| You know, I've been friends with a lot of guys that had substance abuses, like I told you about my friend Johnny, back in New York. | ||
| And one thing that you both had in common is that even though you had, like, these issues, there was never a point where I felt like I couldn't trust you with something. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You never would sell anybody out. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You're not a type of person who would do something to hurt somebody else so that you could profit because you were sick and you needed drugs. | ||
| That was never you. | ||
| You always had a strong code of ethics. | ||
| If not, get out that you were worth nothing. | ||
| I was a junkie that had problems, but when Ari started telling people, he's a junkie, but he pays his bills. | ||
| People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You are just a guy struggling. | ||
| And I recognized in you a lot of what I had seen in my friend Johnny. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are brilliant people that, for some reason, the fabric of society just doesn't fit them. | ||
| There's something about getting up in the morning and going to a job, and whatever it is about the way they were raised, the experiences that they had, just who they are inherently from birth, whatever the factors are, there's certain people that just can't do the regular thing. | ||
| And they just need to find this other thing. | ||
| For you, it was obviously stand-up. | ||
| And once you found that other thing and became successful at that other thing, that's when you're... | ||
| The whole thing changed. | ||
| That's when you were... | ||
| I mean, it was really proof positive. | ||
| I mean, for sure, you learned a lot of things about life. | ||
| You got older. | ||
| You got wiser. | ||
| But I think a big part of you becoming more comfortable and more relaxed and becoming who you are today is that you... | ||
| You started becoming successful as a comedian. | ||
| And when you started becoming successful as a comedian, like 10 years ago, things started really ramping up for you. | ||
| A noticeable relaxing of you. | ||
| A noticeable change. | ||
| Because you realize, like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. | ||
| The problem is when this isn't working. | ||
| And then you think, well, maybe I should go back to selling cars. | ||
| Maybe I should get a job in a factory. | ||
| Maybe I should do something three or four nights a week, just bartend, make a little extra money, lighten up the load on the family. | ||
| When those types of things start fucking with you, that's when you start doing coke. | ||
| That's when you start going crazy. | ||
| That's when you stay up late. | ||
| That's when you fuck off. | ||
| That's when you make big mistakes. | ||
| You're unhappy. | ||
| You're upset. | ||
| You're in the wrong groove. | ||
| It wasn't the external struggles. | ||
| As much as the internal struggles. | ||
| Or maybe all of it together combined. | ||
| This November is going to be ten years that I haven't done a line of coke. | ||
| I still remember being in Cobbs with you the January after the November. | ||
| And you're like, you haven't done it in 60 days. | ||
| And I was still, I wasn't sweating it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I still wasn't trusting myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I thought I could snap at any minute. | ||
| Some chick with hot tits with a gram of coke would call me off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it never, so I'm going up on 10 years. | ||
| I've never even done coke and I'm suspect. | ||
| For, for, you gotta remember, bro, for me it wasn't about success or selling tickets or, for me it was just doing something with my life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Where I had come from, all I wanted was just to do something with my life. | ||
| If I could pay rent, feed the cats, smoke pot, and do spots, that's a lot better than what I used to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a lot better than the life I had. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| Even if I don't go on the road and I'm not Louis C.K., it didn't matter to me. | ||
| Just that I didn't have to carry a gun or worry about people knocking on my door. | ||
| I was like Richard Guillenovson's gentleman. | ||
| I had nowhere else to go. | ||
| No! | ||
| So I might as well go to the store and do that stupid spot at 1245 and look what happened. | ||
| You just keep showing up. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That was a big part of it, but another big part of it was getting you on the internet. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| We got a chance to show people what I already knew. | ||
| You know? | ||
| The only way for you back then to get exposure was you had to do something conventional. | ||
| It was the only thing that existed. | ||
| They had to put you in a movie or put you in a TV show. | ||
| And you got in a few movies and you got in a few TV shows. | ||
| But they didn't get to see you as Joey Diaz. | ||
| But they got to see you as some fucking character actor in that mob movie with Robert De Niro. | ||
| But there's a big difference between that and you like this huge. | ||
| It took the right thing for you to be this you. | ||
| It took the internet. | ||
| The internet, for Joey, is the best medium ever. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It's exploded, man. | ||
| Well, for you, too. | ||
| For you, too. | ||
| I love having fun on that. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| You're just as good of an example. | ||
| Like, you don't have a lot of success outside of the internet. | ||
| No, that's true. | ||
| The internet has been your shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's true. | |
| I mean, think about it. | ||
| You don't have, like, a long-running television series or a series of movies or anything you do. | ||
| No, stand-up, yeah. | ||
| But you're selling out places that a lot of those guys can't even fuck with. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| All the time because of your podcast, which is, if you haven't seen it, your podcast with your wife is one of my favorite podcasts. | ||
| It's so fucking consistently silly. | ||
| It is very silly. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people get silly when they get on it. | ||
| They do, yeah. | ||
| And then, you know, I start like seeing things like, oh, this is like your mom's house bit. | ||
| I need to send it to Tom. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You sent me a couple good ones. | ||
| I can't tell a story about taking a shit without 90 people hitting me up the next day telling me that was the most brilliant story in the world. | ||
| We're going to send it to Tom Segura. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time I tell a shit story, I fart myself or something disgusting. | |
| And two days later, sure enough, you're playing the fucking YouTube video. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| We've played Joey telling shit stories for sure. | ||
| And he told us about when he shit in his backyard and somebody thought a bear had come out. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| The lady, she would let her dogs out every day at five. | ||
| And then she would clean up. | ||
| They were all French poodles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I could see the dogs, asses high up in the air, were just reeling back from the shit. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| She went like this. | ||
| Joe Rogan, she looked at it, and she was like 58. So she squinted at the shit up against the wall. | ||
| Here's what's beautiful. | ||
| I took a shit, and I put my back against the wall. | ||
| So when I shit, when you shit outside, it's not going to be a decent shit. | ||
| It's going to be like explosive. | ||
| So when I got up, it looks like somebody got shot in the head. | ||
| There was shit all behind me on the wall. | ||
| So she's sitting there with her little French poodles and her little chihuahuas, and she's looking at the wall like, what the fuck happened there? | ||
| And all of a sudden, she actually walks up close to it and squints and looks down on it and looks around and runs in the house. | ||
| I'm watching all this. | ||
| I can't breathe. | ||
| And now I go to the computer because my wife's very decent. | ||
| I'm sitting there for half an hour. | ||
| And then my wife comes in and she goes, were you home all day today? | ||
| I go, yeah, why? | ||
| She goes, I just had a conversation with Susan. | ||
| She wanted to know if you heard anything in the backyard. | ||
| Because some animal took a ship back there. | ||
| I went to get sushi. | ||
| Like, if you ever go get sushi, eat a lot of it, the rice pushes everything out of your ass. | ||
| And you had plans to go get a weed store. | ||
| You want to go to the post office. | ||
| But I made a detour. | ||
| I planned to go home, but I left the house key in the house. | ||
| So I had to climb around the window. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| So when I pulled myself up, I actually landed with my stomach on the window. | ||
| Which made it push it out more. | ||
| And I'm fatter than fuck, and my hands are struggling in the window, and my little fat feet are on the other side, and the cats are meowing at me, scratching at me, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, it's me, you fuck! | |
| So I ran out, ran down the stairs and shit outside. | ||
| The best was the night I took a shit in Fabian's backyard after a five-hour drive from Colton or some weird town. | ||
| Did he not talk to you after that for a while? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, for a while. | |
| I took a shit and then he ran over it with his car and the whole backyard smelled like sewage waste. | ||
| I go over to the next day. | ||
| He goes, it smells back here. | ||
| Let's talk in the house. | ||
| He goes, I don't know what happened. | ||
| And you can see the brown shit. | ||
| He smushed it with this tire. | ||
| And a bunch of flies. | ||
| He didn't talk to me for a month after that. | ||
| He tasted shit in somebody's backyard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did he find out it was you? | |
| Because I told him the truth. | ||
| I felt bad. | ||
| I lied to God. | ||
| That's hard to clean up, too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, shit. | ||
| You can clean up dog shit. | ||
| It doesn't even make you gag. | ||
| But human shit? | ||
| But bum shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you had to clean up some wino shit, if you had to use one of those scrapers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It smells so much stronger, man. | ||
| We're gross. | ||
| It's so much more gross. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| When you take a shit, it's okay. | ||
| It's until you cut it in half. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You ever cut a shit in half? | ||
| No. | ||
| When that fucking... | ||
| When that Reese's peanut butter fume leaks out. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He's like, I've done studies. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you go to jail, it's hysterical. | |
| When you go to prison, you have to shit like in a tube by people watching TV. Like when you go to county jail, you shit right there. | ||
| So black guys will be laying there watching TV with their feet up. | ||
| And all of a sudden they smell a little shit and they're like, put some water in that hole, motherfucker! | ||
| Like they'll just yell it from the other side of the fucking prison. | ||
| Because that means you took a shit and you're sitting there. | ||
| And the shit's permanent. | ||
| So in prison, as soon as you shit, you got to put water on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's some bathrooms that only give you 20 ounces of water a day. | ||
| So whatever time you flush, it's got to be a good flush. | ||
| You follow me? | ||
| So if you take a piss, sometimes the piss has to stay there until the next day until you take a good, good shit. | ||
| But when you take a shit in jail, bro, that's what they'll tell you. | ||
| Put some water. | ||
| Put some hole in that motherfucking hole, dog. | ||
| I can smell that shit right now. | ||
| I'm trying to watch Oprah. | ||
| But that's what smells. | ||
| Once the hole sucks, it's like when you go to Vegas. | ||
| They have that sucking action. | ||
| Well, if you take a shit this big that's 34 inches, once that sucking thing, it breaks. | ||
| It looks like two new chugs. | ||
| Once that breaks, it's over. | ||
| And they put the bathroom right by the door, the front entrance. | ||
| You can't have nobody come over. | ||
| That's why I always go downstairs. | ||
| Yeah, I don't shit in my bathroom in the hotel no more, because it kills the whole room for two hours. | ||
| We worked at the House of Blues in Vegas, and Joey left an onshore shit. | ||
| You know what an onshore shit is? | ||
| What? | ||
| He was so fat at the time that he couldn't sit down in the regular toilet. | ||
| You were like... | ||
| What were you like? | ||
| 400, 415. Fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was giant. | |
| He was giant. | ||
| So when he would take a shit, he would have to balance himself mostly on the very edge of the front because his ass was so big, he didn't shit in the water. | ||
| He shit on the deck. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| So it would be sticking up. | ||
| Oh, sticking up. | ||
| You ain't never seen a shit like that before. | ||
| So you couldn't sit in the toilet? | ||
| I would sit in the toilet, but I don't like my... | ||
| It was on the edge. | ||
| It wasn't that I was fat. | ||
| I don't like my dick inside the toilet. | ||
| Somebody's going to suck your dick and all of a sudden they're stuck in the toilet. | ||
| I tell my wife, I don't even let my wife pee in public. | ||
| Because I want to eat her monkey. | ||
| I don't want that monkey touching the other fucking thing. | ||
| So when I shit in the public bathroom, I hold my balls. | ||
| And I shit towards the edge. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| It's somebody else's bathroom. | ||
| Why not just hold your balls and sit where you are? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Why do you gotta move forward? | ||
| Because if I'm back there, I got crabs one time. | ||
| And if they're sitting on the toilet, they'll jump from that toilet inward like they're jumping over a mountain. | ||
| I always thought that people saying they got crabs in the toilet is an excuse. | ||
| Well, sometimes you could get crabs from anywhere, but why take a chance? | ||
| But I thought you could only get it from hair. | ||
| They only cling to hairs. | ||
| I don't think they will stay on an actual toilet. | ||
| I think you're probably definitely right. | ||
| Yeah, I would feel like that's one of those things like, how'd you do craps? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I took a shit at the gas station that had to be it. | |
| That's what I always figured it was. | ||
| No, so I always hold my nuts and shit. | ||
| When I shit, it was long and Red Band put ketchup on it. | ||
| Remember Red Band went in there and put ketchup on it and potato chips? | ||
| Unfortunately, I think that was a different time. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This has not happened just once. | ||
| This is a different shit, yeah. | ||
| It's been many, many times. | ||
| So this thing's just like sticking out of the water? | ||
| So you go in there, there's a smell. | ||
| You know how when you take an epic shit, it's an above-water shit, it comes out like the fucking Big Island of Hawaii. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just rises through the water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I've done that many times, because I eat too much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'll take these shits that are just like so big. | ||
| They're preposterous. | ||
| But there's a totally different smell to those shits. | ||
| Because you're smelling raw shit outside of the water. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, it's gone through the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's poking into the... | ||
| It's strong. | ||
| What is it about that that makes you happy? | ||
| What is it about that horrible smell? | ||
| You're like, oh, this is a good one right here. | ||
| It doesn't come around that often either. | ||
| No, like above water shit? | ||
| Yeah, man, it's like a comet. | ||
| You're just like, this doesn't happen all the time. | ||
| It's always diarrhea, too. | ||
| It's never like a super thick log. | ||
| It's weird when the second wave is diarrhea. | ||
| Like when you take a night, you're like, good shit, and you're proud of yourself. | ||
| And then you're like, I think I got a little more in there. | ||
| And it's just a fucking... | ||
| You know what that's from? | ||
| What? | ||
| Healthy eating. | ||
| Healthy eating? | ||
| Yeah, if you eat some MCT oil or some coconut oil or some shit. | ||
| Why does it do that to you? | ||
| It lubes up your pipes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah, because where I moved to now, I have the office, the back office, and it's connected to a bathroom. | ||
| It's got a door. | ||
| So I don't live with stink no more. | ||
| I open the door in the morning. | ||
| You don't live with stink no more? | ||
| I got a backyard. | ||
| I shit. | ||
| I smoke the bowl while I'm shitting. | ||
| You don't shit in the backyard anymore. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But my door goes face instead of the backyard. | ||
| I have my own bathroom in the bedroom. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Yeah, don't put a woman through one of your shits. | ||
| No, I got a shower back there. | ||
| Yeah, leave her alone. | ||
| I open the back door. | ||
| Fuck the fart fans. | ||
| I just open the back door. | ||
| There's a school behind there, kids playing. | ||
| I'm shitting, smoking dope. | ||
| I don't give a Frenchman's fuck, and it don't smell in there no more. | ||
| I light a candle. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| That's what you need, is a bathroom. | ||
| With a door that faces outside. | ||
| The worst is when you go over a girl's house, and you go to use her bathroom, and you smell matches. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, oh no, she was lighting this motherfucker up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it just makes you think. | ||
| That's all you're thinking about. | ||
| She's like burning off fumes, methane. | ||
| Her stinky butt hole, yeah. | ||
| Her stinky butt hole. | ||
| She's panicking about her methane fumes. | ||
| You ever get to a girl's place, and then you feel the gurgles, and you're like, I've got to rip one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, that's not good. | |
| Not good. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| I've had that before. | ||
| I was dating a girl once and she had ferocious diarrhea. | ||
| Ferocious. | ||
| Regularly? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| One time. | ||
| So she went to the bathroom and she just turned on the shower and she turns on both things on the sink. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Try to drown it out. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| I was very young at the time. | ||
| I didn't understand. | ||
| I was super confused. | ||
| What the fuck is going on in there? | ||
| I had once in college where I was at this girl's place and she was just like, okay, it's game on. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| I was like, I have to take... | ||
| I could feel that it was a diarrhea shit, like an explosive diarrhea shit. | ||
| And I also realized there was no way to do it. | ||
| That it would just be a black toilet when I was done. | ||
| And that there's no way I could cover. | ||
| So you know what I did? | ||
| I went back to my place. | ||
| I was like, I'll see you some other time. | ||
| And the next day, her friends were like, you're like the fucking... | ||
| They gave me credit that I was a good guy. | ||
| They were like, you're awesome. | ||
| And I was like, no, I had to take a crazy shit. | ||
| You know why girls do that? | ||
| Because they're not getting fucked, and they don't want their friend to get fucked. | ||
| And so they use reverse psychology on you. | ||
| You're an amazing guy. | ||
| I got an amazing guy credit. | ||
| I hope you wait forever. | ||
| That's so cool that you left. | ||
| Not even when you get married. | ||
| Tell her when you get married. | ||
| We love her so much. | ||
| You tell her you're going to have sex after you're married. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Because it's not about that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's about real love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like twilight love. | ||
| If I had had bowels that were intact, it would have been a different story that night. | ||
| Bowels? | ||
| Bowels. | ||
| Oh, bowels. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a time when you know that it's... | ||
| And the sensitivity of your inner asshole region is amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It knows. | ||
| Especially when you go to seep out a fart. | ||
| Right? | ||
| When you're about to cut a fart, and then all of a sudden alarms start going off, and you're like, oh no! | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| And you got a clamp shut, and you're like, oh Jesus, what is this? | ||
| We were having this debate yesterday about why are they sometimes hot? | ||
| Like, why is it hot? | ||
| And then why do you know that hot's gonna smell bad? | ||
| Spicy food, bro. | ||
| But is that what it is solely? | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I remember I was telling you guys that one time my freshman year I didn't take a shit for a week and a half. | ||
| I was addicted to steak and American cheese and a ride of french fries. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| How long is that? | ||
| Ten days? | ||
| That's a long time, man. | ||
| When I was a freshman, I played freshman ball and we were playing Patterson Eastside. | ||
| That's just a jungle of a school. | ||
| Like, you gotta be careful when you go in there. | ||
| And we went there to play the Christmas tournament. | ||
| What kind of ball are we talking right now? | ||
| Basketball. | ||
| And I hadn't taken a shit for like 10 days. | ||
| I was backed up something. | ||
| I took acid, something fucked my stomach up. | ||
| I didn't tell nobody. | ||
| In those days, I was really scared of doctors. | ||
| I wouldn't say shit to nobody. | ||
| On the way home, we got on the bus. | ||
| And while we were waiting there, my stomach started hurting. | ||
| And I said, Jesus Christ, I don't know if I'm going to shit myself or fart, but let me just take a chance. | ||
| And I blew this fart, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That was so bad. | ||
| Right? | ||
| We were on a bus and people started running. | ||
| You know the school buses? | ||
| People started running to the windows, right? | ||
| To swing down the bus windows. | ||
| But here's where it gets better. | ||
| I farted again. | ||
| And the teachers were going, oh my god, he's changing flavors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But the words... | |
| He's changing flavors! | ||
| But the worst thing was, the cheerleaders were crying. | ||
| That's how bad it smelled. | ||
| They were sitting in front of the bus going... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| He's changing flavors! | ||
| One of the teachers yelled out, oh my god, he's changing flavors. | ||
| That's how bad these farts were. | ||
| That's your next t-shirt. | ||
| Oh my god, he's changing flavors. | ||
| The whole bus stunk. | ||
| I'll never forget looking at the cheerleaders and they were like... | ||
| Oh my god, we've never smelt nothing like this before. | ||
| It was fucking god awful. | ||
| I wrote a blog about one of Joey's farts once. | ||
| Is that on a plane? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I think I read that. | ||
| It's called Happy Pills. | ||
| And it was, I was thinking about, I was looking at this ad. | ||
| Here, take this. | ||
| I was looking at this ad for antidepressants. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You know, it's some girl dancing around a field of wheat and shit. | ||
| You know those ads. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm good. | ||
| I was just thinking about what depresses people and how crazy pills are. | ||
| Oh, it's still up there. | ||
| You can still find it. | ||
| Anyway, at the end of this, like me, both of us are barbecued. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck. | ||
| What do we eat? | ||
| Edibles? | ||
| Some sort of edibles? | ||
| It was in the beginning. | ||
| Lollipops. | ||
| Way in the beginning. | ||
| We were crucified. | ||
| Rogan was asleep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was going in and out, but he wrote on the blog, and I don't even have to look at it to remember, that the fart was strong. | ||
| He's lucky I farted because it was a lot better than the Antonio Banderas movie he was watching. | ||
| Something to do with an Antonio Banderas movie. | ||
| I don't remember what it was, but I do remember the lady behind you. | ||
| I will never forget hearing her over the earphones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hear... | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| There it is! | ||
| Over the pounding sound in my iPod, I hear a woman in the row behind us cry out. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I look over at Joey and he smiles. | ||
| There's your fucking happy pill right there. | ||
| You're right, Antonio Banderas, it says right there. | ||
| Told you. | ||
| Oh, what was it? | ||
| My iPod movie. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Teaching underprivileged youth how to salsa. | ||
| Oh, that's what I was watching. | ||
| I was watching a terrible movie. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| We both were. | ||
| And Joey farted the fart of all farts. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Do you remember, by the way? | ||
| Where it pushed you off the seat? | ||
| You ever have those farts on the plane where you actually feel your leg? | ||
| It's like you're in one of those chairs. | ||
| When you're in a plane and it's going to go down, what's the button you push to throw you off the plane? | ||
| Oh, the ejector seat? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It, like, ejected me a little bit. | ||
| He digs his seatbelt into your waist. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| But another time I fought, I used to take the number one bus from Jersey City to North Bergen to the high school. | ||
| And we were on the bus one morning, kids, and there was a guy reading a paper. | ||
| I could live to be 100 and never forget this. | ||
| Reading the Daily News and he had a connector of drool from his lift to the Daily News and there was a puddle. | ||
| He was on heroin. | ||
| They would go to Jersey City in those days and get methadone. | ||
| So they would take the bus up north with us. | ||
| So I'm sitting there. | ||
| He's passed the fuck out. | ||
| And the drool is connected to the daily news. | ||
| And there's got to be just six inches of puddle. | ||
| This guy's been passed out for 20 minutes. | ||
| I point my ass at him. | ||
| I'm not sitting behind him. | ||
| I'm sitting across from him. | ||
| And I lift up my hips a little bit. | ||
| And I kept my asshole just pointing at him. | ||
| That even if it wasn't pointed at him, he would ricochet off the chair and go straight in through his mouth like one of those things. | ||
| He's sitting there, and I let a fart go out. | ||
| I could live to be 80. He lifted his eyes like this first, right? | ||
| Like he went like this first, like... | ||
| And he wiped his mouth. | ||
| And he's like, man, who the fuck farted? | ||
| And he... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, it smelled like something went up somebody's ass and died. | |
| And me and my little buddies were like, what, the seventh grade? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We're fucking giggling our asses up. | ||
| He's like, I should beat the fuck out of whoever farted on this motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my gosh. | |
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| This is why I hate people. | ||
| This is why I hate when I read posts. | ||
| This is the reason why I hate when I read posts. | ||
| From people going, are you sick and tired of blue comedy? | ||
| Well, come down to the Stanford feed there on Friday night and listen to intelligent Comedy. | ||
| They call it thought-provoking comedy. | ||
| And then I think about how many times I'm 54 years old and at night I got a sleep apnea machine on. | ||
| And there's a little needle in the sleep apnea machine because the hose punches air into your fucking mouth. | ||
| So there's an escape valve that's the size of a needle. | ||
| Do you know how many nights I will sit there and be half asleep and I'll need the fart? | ||
| And I'll wake up just to fart to see if I can smell the fucking fart come through that hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Yes! | ||
| If it comes through the hole, it's a tremendous fart. | ||
| I just wake up my wife. | ||
| Like, I go, honey, you gotta inhale it. | ||
| Like, it's that good. | ||
| I'm 54 years old. | ||
| That always makes me laugh, Tom Segura. | ||
| That's why when people say to me, you know, like, I love thought-provoking comedy. | ||
| Dog, if it makes you laugh, it's comedy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's comedy. | ||
| Stop with the fucking trying to restart. | ||
| Do you know that you almost hospitalized me one time from laughing so hard? | ||
| Like, I don't know if you remember this. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| I don't even know if I could tell it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was backstage. | |
| It was backstage at his show. | ||
| We were somewhere, and you were like, how's the wife? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, good! | |
| And I go, you go, where is she? | ||
| And I said, I said some city in Tennessee. | ||
| Maybe Knoxville? | ||
| Or Nashville? | ||
| And you go, Nashville, 96. And you started this story about working a club, and you're like, I just riffed in between shows, some crazy shit. | ||
| Some chick who was talking, there was eight people, there was 20 people for the first show, Knoxville. | ||
| It was a Comedy Zone show, I half booked it. | ||
| Knoxville's a great little fucking town. | ||
| Like a cute little Tennessee town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| It's like hip. | ||
| It's a football, you know, like a college town. | ||
| So I get there on Friday night, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I'm headlining. | ||
| I got 38 minutes. | ||
| I just moved to L.A., and I signed with creative management, and they booked those rooms. | ||
| So they were booking me out as a headliner. | ||
| I was just dying slow to death. | ||
| So what they did was they put me in one-nighters that paid like $2.75 a night. | ||
| They weren't bad. | ||
| Clark, Tennessee, you know. | ||
| And we go to this Knoxville for two nights, and I go in there, and you know me, dog. | ||
| I'm fucking crazy. | ||
| First night I go in there, Friday night, there's 20 people for the first show. | ||
| And there's a girl, Joe Rogan, that's a 12. With a guy that's a 4. Okay? | ||
| And it's her birthday. | ||
| Meanwhile through, she just turned 21, it's her birthday. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hi, happy birthday. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| You know, because once you start hearing noise, you have to react to it as a comic. | ||
| And you go, what's going on here? | ||
| You're 21. I said, you're very beautiful. | ||
| And then she just went and ran with it and started talking about how her husband pimps her out. | ||
| He would have fights on, and for 20 bucks, you could fuck her in the back room. | ||
| 20? | ||
| The fights were on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| That on Fridays, he would bring her to the construction truck. | ||
| He would bring a truck with her to the construction site and put a mattress in the back. | ||
| And at lunchtime, he would let her friends... | ||
| And she's telling me this. | ||
| It's like she's talking and people are like... | ||
| Like, just holding their breaths. | ||
| Like, what is going on here? | ||
| This girl is beautiful and this retard is just pimping at me. | ||
| So in between shows, I go upstairs to do a line or smoke a joint or whatever the fuck I'm doing. | ||
| When I come back, I see her. | ||
| By herself. | ||
| And we start talking. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Oh my God, I had such a great time. | ||
| I go, is that stuff true? | ||
| And she goes, yeah. | ||
| I go, show me the monkey. | ||
| And she took me in the woman's bathroom, pulled down her pants. | ||
| The girl had a monkey that was spotless. | ||
| It nearly stunk. | ||
| I ate it. | ||
| I fingered it or something. | ||
| And then she sucked my dick. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| I went back to my room. | ||
| I didn't think nothing of it. | ||
| I'm like, Jesus Christ, I scored. | ||
| I go back for the second show, there's eight people, but by the time I go back for the second show, Joe Rogan, she's sitting in the back, she's 21, and she's looking at me like this. | ||
| She's fucked up. | ||
| And ten minutes into my spot, because I was headlining, she starts going, I sucked the comedian's dick tonight. | ||
| And the husband's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And she's like, I sucked his dick, and he came in my mouth. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| The cops had to hold him back, and he's like, I want my $40. | ||
| That's all he wanted. | ||
| He didn't care that his wife sucked my dick at this comedy bathroom. | ||
| When the cops came, he kept saying, man, somebody's gonna get hurt if I don't have my $40. | ||
| That's a $40 blowjob. | ||
| Did you come in her mouth? | ||
| Because if I wouldn't have come, it would have been like $20. | ||
| All he cared about was the $40, dog. | ||
| So he told me that backstage at your show. | ||
| And I fucking started hyperventilating. | ||
| $40 for his wife. | ||
| This is the world of comedy, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This is the world of crazy fucking comedy. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| You think that's crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| She's crying. | ||
| Some of the husband will hug his wife and said, you know, no, he didn't care. | ||
| He just wanted the $40 for the blowjob. | ||
| I didn't give it to him. | ||
| He's got rules. | ||
| Yeah, he's got to give him that. | ||
| He's got like a line in the sand. | ||
| This is crazy shit. | ||
| Comedy is a fucking crazy animal. | ||
| When you sit at home at night and you think about all the shit we've seen, we've learned a lot. | ||
| I don't think I ever laughed as hard. | ||
| Well, that's probably the second time right there. | ||
| On that road, we've learned a lot of things. | ||
| You learn a lot of things about human beings. | ||
| You learn a lot of things about individuals. | ||
| I remember I did American Home. | ||
| It's a Armed Forces place in Idaho. | ||
| It's part of the triple run. | ||
| And as soon as I walked in and I had to go meet, do a sound check, everybody kept looking at me going, Hi, how are you? | ||
| Have you met Sandy yet? | ||
| And I go, no. | ||
| And they go, and then walk away. | ||
| You ever see, what's the movie with Eddie Murphy? | ||
| When he, with Boomerang. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When he goes to the black chick's house, it's 80. And the butler keeps laughing. | ||
| Remember the butler would go, she wants to see you in the kitchen. | ||
| He would go, because she knew she was going to rape him. | ||
| So every time somebody would refer to Shirley, they'd go, have you met Shirley yet? | ||
| And you'd go, no. | ||
| And they'd go, oh. | ||
| And they'd walk away. | ||
| Well, Shirley, whoever the captain of that base was, the head of the base, she was his wife. | ||
| And if a band came to town or a comedian came to town, she blew. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That was the rule. | ||
| And he would sit out there with his fucking military arm, with all his shit, and clap. | ||
| And she'd be in the back, Zucca La Mink, to the whole band. | ||
| I mean, this is crazy. | ||
| So I didn't know about this. | ||
| She came over and started talking to me. | ||
| And then she started talking, oh, you're Cuban? | ||
| I dated a Cuban one time. | ||
| He's such a big dick. | ||
| You have a big dick? | ||
| I mean, it was that quick. | ||
| It was that quick. | ||
| Like, she just gets to it. | ||
| She's like 50. I was maybe like 31. She was maybe 50. And she just dropped behind the curtain, took the hammer out. | ||
| I'm sitting there minding my own business, and all of a sudden somebody comes yelling for her, Shirley! | ||
| Shirley! | ||
| Shirley! | ||
| Now, usually Shirley would get up and stop sucking your dick. | ||
| Not Shirley. | ||
| She moved her knees like I had a knee on belly. | ||
| You know when somebody puts a knee on belly, you're supposed to move this way? | ||
| That's what she did with her knees. | ||
| She kept sucking and just kept moving this way. | ||
| I tried to take it out of her mouth. | ||
| She wouldn't let it. | ||
| She's like, no, no, no. | ||
| Bro, she wouldn't stop till, I mean, and they're like, Shirley, we're looking for you out here. | ||
| Man. | ||
| This is crazy shit. | ||
| I can't, I'm overstimulated. | ||
| I feel like I need, I feel like I need psychiatric treatment right now. | ||
| And an IV. Just finish that fucking drink, all right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| Succa la mink is the greatest thing anyone's ever said. | ||
| That is the best word of all time. | ||
| Minka juice, succa la mink. | ||
| Succa la mink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Succa la mink. | |
| Well, it's minkia. | ||
| But when they say suca, they cut it short. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is the word? | |
| What does it mean? | ||
| Minkia means suck my dick. | ||
| Minkia in the dialect of Italian, suca means suck. | ||
| Right, okay. | ||
| You know, it's so weird how the more you go... | ||
| Is this Spanish? | ||
| This is Italian, Sicilian. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So the deeper you go down the boot, the more... | ||
| Is it closer to Spain? | ||
| Or is it farther from Spain? | ||
| The closer Italy is from Spain, when people from that area speak Italian, I don't care how fast they're talking, they can't put the wool over me, because I can pick up every four words. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| So Sicilians say suca. | ||
| What's suck in Spanish? | ||
| Chupa. | ||
| Chupa. | ||
| You're in the neighborhood? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Suca la mink. | ||
| When they say suca la minkia, like, you know, what are you going to do today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm going to go out and get my minkia sock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But suca la minkia is just a short version of this show. | |
| Suca la minkia? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And then you got minkia juice. | ||
| It comes at you however you want it. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you hear those Latin languages... | |
| Like, you hear Spanish, and you hear Italian. | ||
| Like, those languages seem, they're like a let's have fun language. | ||
| You know, everything has got a thing to it. | ||
| It's got a rhythm. | ||
| There's a way to talk. | ||
| It is fun, yeah. | ||
| It's fun to listen to. | ||
| When you hear them talk, yeah. | ||
| Especially not really knowing anything about what they're saying. | ||
| I could pick up like one out of a hundred words, maybe, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so I hear them talking, and I'm like, well, which one was that? | ||
| So for me, it's almost just like hearing the rhythm. | ||
| Of them talking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a fun, sort of a smooth, relaxed sort of cocktail. | ||
| Buongiorno, signor professor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll get you an espresso. | ||
| You know, they talk to you and it's very heartwarming. | ||
| All the gestures, too? | ||
| All the hand gestures? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can always tell when a Latin person, like, across a room, just by their hand gestures, and they start, you know? | ||
| Grazie mille. | ||
| Grazie mille. | ||
| Like, just hearing that. | ||
| How long do you think it takes you for you just to get the... | ||
| Like, if you're in France for a week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it takes you three days just to get the... | ||
| Like, I'm not gonna learn French in three days. | ||
| But it must take you three days to get the jiv. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| Like if they come up to you and ask you what you want from the menu, like after you go to nine restaurants. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, you're right. | ||
| You know, three days. | ||
| You get a little something, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you get a little something. | ||
| Especially if you have like a Latin root, though, you know? | ||
| Like you're comfortable with it. | ||
| Does it ever bother you when you hear stories about Americans going to like Paris? | ||
| Like the the Parisians thinking the Americans were dicks the Americans like acting like assholes The people from Paris like what is that like how did that a whole rumor get started the loud American? | ||
| Yeah, I got that whole Like, U.S. versus Paris thing. | ||
| You remember when they wouldn't call things french fries? | ||
| They were calling them freedom fries? | ||
| That was Bush era, right? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| These are freedom fries. | ||
| It's always like, the French. | ||
| There's always some weird right-wing punchline about the French. | ||
| How much interaction do you ever have? | ||
| I feel like it's inherited. | ||
| At this point, for me, it's inherited. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I think it's every country. | ||
| Remember that episode of Sopranos when I went to Italy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Paulie asked the chef, can I get some red sauce? | ||
| He's like, I want red sauce. | ||
| Marinara. | ||
| And the guy looked at the other guy and he goes, if you think these Germans are classless, You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, look at this guy here. | ||
| Like, they all have... | ||
| Every country must have something towards... | ||
| I hear that we're hated across the world, but then a person like you or you traveling, you go, no, bro, people are very nice. | ||
| They are nice if you are nice, and I think that's universal. | ||
| People are nice if you're nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| People appreciate it. | ||
| Pretty much everywhere. | ||
| People are nice if you're nice. | ||
| And the way you are changes the way they are. | ||
| If you run into someone and maybe they're a little bit defensive, but you're openly friendly, a lot of times they'll relax that. | ||
| Whereas If you run into someone and they're sort of defensive and you're aggressive with them, then it ramps up and the whole thing becomes like some sort of a weird ego disaster. | ||
| Same person, different person interacting with them, saying the same words. | ||
| The whole thing about people and the way we talk to each other, there's no one person responsible For an argument. | ||
| Yeah, you know most of the time it comes from both sides And how you interact with people even if you feel like you did nothing wrong There's a lot of times like a big part of how the conversation started shaping itself People don't want it's everybody wants everything to be black or white, right? | ||
| It's either like if you got an argument with the dude, it's his fault Or it's your fault. | ||
| But it could easily be both. | ||
| It could easily be, like, just a mismanaged situation. | ||
| You know, you might have been coming there because there might have been some fucking problem that they were supposed to fix on your car, and they didn't. | ||
| And, you know, you're in your car, headed to the comedy store, and you're like, this motherfucker! | ||
| And the light starts going on again, and you're like, goddammit! | ||
| And you get there, you're already a little bit ramped up. | ||
| And you run into someone, and then you're already coming at them at, like, a six. | ||
| And if you get an interaction with them about like, hey man, you think I can get in front of you? | ||
| I gotta go somewhere. | ||
| And you're like, fuck you, man. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That could happen. | ||
| Totally does. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| That's why I've always, at 21 I learned a very important lesson in life. | ||
| You don't know what that guy's going through today. | ||
| No one does, right? | ||
| Before you give that nerdy guy the finger and cut him off, you don't know if his wife just left him, his kid just told him she was a lesbian. | ||
| As long as she's got a girlfriend. | ||
| He does have a fucking gun in his car. | ||
| You don't know what somebody's going through. | ||
| You have no idea what's on their mind coming up to you. | ||
| You know, one of the most genius things I ever heard was, That the great Carlo Gambino never answered his own door. | ||
| He always had his wife answer the door. | ||
| Because no matter how mad a mobster came over, no matter how, like he just got off the phone with this fucking guy and he won't give me 10 kilos, Carlo's gonna resume this. | ||
| No matter how mad I came into the house, his wife would stop you, make you sit down and give you an espresso and give you a biscotte and talk to you. | ||
| So by the time you got into Carlo, You were slowed down. | ||
| You could think. | ||
| He was very smart that way. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| He did that on purpose. | ||
| His wife was like everybody's mom. | ||
| One of those ladies that you go, ah! | ||
| Hi, how are you? | ||
| Come in. | ||
| That's why it's not good for everybody if men get together for long periods of time. | ||
| I think that people should, anybody who's involved with customer service, should take some type of something to calm people down. | ||
| Like people who work at an airport. | ||
| You know, there's got to be a system how to slow somebody down. | ||
| That's a brilliant system. | ||
| Having a wife that's like a very nice person that sits you down. | ||
| Flows you down. | ||
| It's very calm. | ||
| Nurturing. | ||
| Talks to you. | ||
| And you realize like, listen, this is what's important, this kind of friendship here. | ||
| Like half of the issues that people get into, it's a perspective issue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's like, especially if you're like a mobster and you think someone's fucking you over and you're like, oh, you know, where's my fucking money? | ||
| And you sit down. | ||
| Like, come on. | ||
| Perspective issue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's most of what it is. | ||
| Like, how are you looking at your relationship? | ||
| Are you trying to fuck this person over? | ||
| Are you trying to work together in harmony? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're just trying to work together in harmony, how better to work out? | ||
| We all travel. | ||
| We ever have a bad travel day, and we get to a hotel, and we're fucking furious, but that little lady at the counter made us laugh and forget all about what just happened. | ||
| True. | ||
| And she'll even do something that'll change your whole outlook for the day. | ||
| Like, she'll go, oh, by the way, I know you were delayed. | ||
| We told the kitchen to save you spaghetti and meatballs, and you're like, you bad motherfucker, you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I like when that happens. | ||
| I love when I'm furious and I walk into a hotel and somebody slows me down and talks to me. | ||
| It's really cool when people have that. | ||
| That's a gift, by the way. | ||
| To actually slow somebody down and be able to touch them and go, hey man, it's going to be fine. | ||
| Come here, let me take it. | ||
| If you have a business, you have a customer service representative, someone who meets people at the door, that person has an amazing personality, that shit is worth a lot of money. | ||
| It's worth a lot of money. | ||
| You can't coach it. | ||
| You can't train it. | ||
| Whether it's a guy or a girl. | ||
| I've met them on both sides. | ||
| You meet people that work in a certain place where you look forward to going back to that place to saying hi to that guy. | ||
| That guy's just super cool. | ||
| You're like, what's up? | ||
| What's up, man? | ||
| And like, you've made like a legitimate friendship with this person. | ||
| And that's possible too, you know? | ||
| This idea that we all have to be constantly at odds with each other. | ||
| And I think even like security people, like when I see... | ||
| When I'm in a restaurant or a bar or a sporting event and I see a security guy dissolve a situation without throwing a punch, especially when a person is drunk. | ||
| Oh, a good one. | ||
| Especially when a person is drunk. | ||
| Listen, I can talk to you when you're sober. | ||
| Once you've got four cocktails on you, I'm going to talk to you once and my patience level is done. | ||
| It's fucking done! | ||
| But there's some people who stay calm and they go, we know, man. | ||
| Let's just take a walk over here and talk about it and you fall for it. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're out. | ||
| No matter if your girlfriend's with some other guy, they come rushing into a bar. | ||
| There's people who are tremendous at that. | ||
| That's a great gift. | ||
| You know who can do that shit? | ||
| Big John McCarthy. | ||
| Big John McCarthy is the best at separating shit. | ||
| When shit goes sideways in the octagon. | ||
| Isn't he an ex-police officer? | ||
| Fuck yeah, he is. | ||
| And he's a giant. | ||
| Yeah, he's a giant. | ||
| I mean, he's a big dude. | ||
| He's a black belt in jujitsu. | ||
| And when shit gets weird inside the octagon, the cop in him comes out. | ||
| If there's some chaos, some crazy shit, he puts a fucking halt to that. | ||
| No more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those guys are important, man. | ||
| It's important to have people like that. | ||
| No, that is a skill, though. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a giant skill. | ||
| And also be a good guy, which he also is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like Big John McCarthy's a hell of a human. | ||
| By the way, formally, congrats on a thousand, man. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| That's really awesome. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks to you guys. | |
| Getting this fucking party started. | ||
| Thanks to you guys. | ||
| It's really incredible, man. | ||
| It's probably more, right? | ||
| I think it's like 1043 or something. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| There's a bunch of other named ones, Fight Companions, Fight Breakdowns. | ||
| I would never ever dream when you started doing these. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| That they would have the impact that they have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, let's just keep that shit known, void. | |
| I just remember you, like, fucking saying, like, people want to hear this. | ||
| I remember him calling me up to the room and me yelling at Joe one night, calling, are you fucking crazy? | ||
| The fuck is home on a Friday night, 13-year-old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's take that shit off! | |
| Take that shit off while I'm smoking pot! | ||
| We were in the green room at the punchline. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Cobbs. | ||
| No, this was somewhere else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This was years later. | |
| Wait, this is doing a podcast? | ||
| Me, him, and Redman. | ||
| One of the first podcasts we did was off this thing called Justin.TV. Yeah. | ||
| Justin.TV. And we did them in green rooms. | ||
| And we did them back when there were cellular modems. | ||
| So you'd be streaming. | ||
| There wasn't a lot of Wi-Fi back then. | ||
| So we'd be streaming from a cell phone hookup. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Real pixelated stuff. | ||
| But we were like, this could be fucking weird. | ||
| Have people watch us get ready in the green room, talking to the camera. | ||
| This could be bizarre. | ||
| So we decided to do a few of those. | ||
| But Joey was like, get this fucking thing away from me. | ||
| But that was a different Joey Diaz back then. | ||
| You were still uncomfortable. | ||
| It was funny, but that was the thing that set you free. | ||
| That was the thing that let people know who you are. | ||
| At the beginning, when he was like, hey, weren't you also like, what the fuck are you doing right now? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I was like, are you like a bird-caller kind of guy? | ||
| I thought it was one of those weird things that people do. | ||
| A bird-caller? | ||
| What are you talking about, man? | ||
| He was very into it. | ||
| I noticed it. | ||
| He would be on there at night, and I just didn't like it. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| But then Dane Cook... | ||
| Became a megastar with MySpace. | ||
| Everybody and their mother went on MySpace. | ||
| That was before me. | ||
| But they were not doing what Dane was doing. | ||
| They just thought by going on MySpace and going, I got free tickets tonight, that that was going to work. | ||
| Dane Cook was communicating with them. | ||
| And people would see the communication and go, wow. | ||
| We can have live interaction. | ||
| But Dane was doing that way before me. | ||
| He was doing that on MySpace in like 2002 or something like that, right? | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| Pretty early on, yeah. | ||
| But about in 2003, we'll check the lineup. | ||
| We'll check the old calendars. | ||
| We did the 4th of July weekend in Irvine. | ||
| And I'll never forget that I said to you, do you have radio? | ||
| And you go, I have no radio. | ||
| I'm a little panicked. | ||
| And that Thursday when we got down there, the whole weekend was sold out. | ||
| And that's when I said, Joe Rogan's onto something with that fucking computer. | ||
| Like, fuck this shit. | ||
| Because my philosophy was, do you think Richard Pryor would go home at four in the morning, coked up, and get on fucking Facebook? | ||
| That was my thing at that time. | ||
| Do you really fucking think that fucking Richard Pryor is going to go home and get on MySpace? | ||
| So I was opposed to it. | ||
| But once I saw five sold-out shows in Irvine, the old Irvine, When it was known that if you didn't do radio, nobody's going to show up there those days. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That was it to me. | ||
| That was what made me a believer that there's something there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing the range of people that come up to me about your show. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, all types of... | ||
| Like fucking pilots, fighter. | ||
| I've had like amateur fighters, professional fighters. | ||
| The range of people that are interested in your show. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's a really wide range of people. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| Like it's really reached a lot of people, man. | ||
| You're freaking me out, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I was in Burbank the other day, okay? | ||
| To get a haircut. | ||
| A week ago. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| You know me, dawg. | ||
| I went to jujitsu and had a half hour to kill. | ||
| So before the haircut, I just smoked a joint. | ||
| I was in my car on Magnolia Boulevard up the block from Porto's, which is fucking packed. | ||
| And I opened up the sunroof and I just started smoking a joint before the haircut. | ||
| And I put a piece of gum in my mouth and I actually walked to the crosswalk to walk across the street. | ||
| And there was a lady holding a kid with another one in her thing and she looked at me and when she looked at me I go, fuck, this lady smells me. | ||
| You know, when you don't have a child, you don't give a fuck about reefer. | ||
| But when you have a child and you see a mom with a child, you feel kind of fucking... | ||
| I'm sorry, ma'am. | ||
| I didn't say nothing to her. | ||
| She looked at me and she goes, oh my God. | ||
| With the kid in her thing and with the stroller, she looked at me and she goes, blue cheese with your, fuck your mother. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I'm from Buffalo. | ||
| I looked at her and she just kept walking. | ||
| But it was like the type of woman that wouldn't say that to me. | ||
| With the kid and the pusher. | ||
| She goes, blue cheese with wings and go, fuck your mother. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| And she just kept walking. | ||
| I'm like, oh my God. | ||
| Amazing, man. | ||
| What about the time we went to Sacramento and families with kids? | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| But the realm of the people and why they come up to you. | ||
| And TSA, don't forget about TSA. TSA, but the realm of people and the reasons why. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's what's always killed me. | ||
| I've been around for 20 years and what made you come to my show is I told this shit about... | ||
| I told the story about taking the shit in somebody's backyard. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| We laughed like, you know, and you're like, oh my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what, you know, when somebody comes up to me, it's always they came to a show for something different I said on here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's really weird. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And like you said, the contrast. | ||
| It's not just a six-foot guy. | ||
| No, it's everything. | ||
| Steroid guy. | ||
| It's a mom with a baby and a stroller. | ||
| I was saying, I have people that so want me to give you things. | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| Because they always start with trying to flatter me. | ||
| They're like, dude, I think you're fucking hilarious. | ||
| I go, thanks, man. | ||
| I love your shit. | ||
| I listen to it on the way to work every day. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, thanks a lot. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, man, it's so funny. | ||
| I love this bit and that bit. | ||
| And I'll be like, it's very nice of you, man. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| And I listen to your podcast. | ||
| And I fucking love it. | ||
| It's so fucking funny. | ||
| I'm like, thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then they're like, hey, would you give this to Joe? | |
| That's their whole thing. | ||
| I'm like, did you think because you told me all those compliments, I'm gonna be your messenger? | ||
| And they'll be like, no, I mean, just like if you could give it to him. | ||
| Okay, sure. | ||
| I get this request every other week. | ||
| What kind of weird shit? | ||
| It's always fucking packages and envelopes. | ||
| Yeah, I don't open them, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| They go right in the trash. | ||
| I tell him to send them directly to you. | ||
| Don't even tell him to do that. | ||
| He gave me two cups. | ||
| I gave one to Alberto and I gave the other one to you. | ||
| This is a highly ineffective way to communicate with people. | ||
| Just sending them shit. | ||
| You know, people think that I want to have shit in my car. | ||
| Like, hey, give this to Tom. | ||
| Like, I'm gonna have this in my fucking car. | ||
| Bro, I got the newest, latest bong. | ||
| It's totally different than any other bong. | ||
| First of all, you can drop it out of an airplane. | ||
| It will not break. | ||
| It's military grade. | ||
| Bro, this is the bong. | ||
| The bong to end all bongs. | ||
| The catastrophe, apocalypto. | ||
| You've had this pitch. | ||
| End of the world bong, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Bro, this bong is made out of the same shit that Wolverine's claws are made out of... | ||
| There's a closet in my office that I slide open. | ||
| And I cannot tell you, I must have 300 black t-shirts from different bands and shit. | ||
| I got every, I mean look at me, I got every protein powder And fuel and energy thing that you could give me. | ||
| People come to shows and give me, I got more gis than most jujitsu schools. | ||
| That's how many gis are given to me and mailed to me. | ||
| I have to mail them back. | ||
| My wife says if I see one more fucking gis, I will throw that shit out. | ||
| It's just amazing. | ||
| Albums? | ||
| Because people know I like vinyl. | ||
| I come home with vinyl every fucking week. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Some of it is fucking atrocious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But some of it is fantastic. | ||
| I listen to everything. | ||
| You do. | ||
| Do you have a hard time chucking out old shit? | ||
| I feel bad for people. | ||
| I understand that they've worked for it. | ||
| And I understand that they went out of their way for it. | ||
| But if I haven't seen Duncan in six months, and I got a Buddhist candle... | ||
| It goes in the garbage. | ||
| Like, once Duncan moved to New York, I threw all Duncan's shit in the garbage. | ||
| I only saved mushrooms and MDMA for Ari. | ||
| People come up to me and give me heavy drugs for Ari. | ||
| Like, give this to Ari. | ||
| I will bring him back on the plane for Ari because he's my brother. | ||
| You know, what they come and get, some guy about a month ago gave me a book about stars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| But when I looked, he was the author. | ||
| That gets tossed. | ||
| If dead are you off it, that gets tossed. | ||
| Remember when that guy gave me that book and I showed it to you, like How to Be a Real Man? | ||
| And he wrote it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of his rules was B40. How to Be a Real Man? | |
| He was just like, the dumbest... | ||
| We went over it on your podcast, right? | ||
| Yes, we did, man. | ||
| And that guy... | ||
| For a long time. | ||
| He gave that to like a bunch of us. | ||
| We arrived in Hong Kong and he was like, here's this book I wrote. | ||
| And then we look at it and it's him on the cover and it's all glossy and he's in it. | ||
| He's like looking off to the side. | ||
| That was when I first did your podcast. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're right. | ||
| That was the first time I did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many years ago was that? | ||
| That was probably... | ||
| Well, we started at seven years ago, but that was probably five years ago. | ||
| God! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do get a lot of neat shit, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I do get a lot of neat shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw that pipe that you have at the studio. | |
| Who made that thing? | ||
| A kid in Cleveland. | ||
| Goddamn, that thing is good. | ||
| I get great books sent to me. | ||
| I mean, phenomenal money books. | ||
| I'm reading one right now that is the creepiest thing. | ||
| The Three Lives of Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin. | ||
| That motherfucker traveled with a 14-year-old girl, bro. | ||
| Never got charged with statutory rape. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just traveled with her for a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| She was just a runaway on the tour. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| You know, I'm talking about his house and fucking where he lived. | ||
| He bought it from Alex. | ||
| It was Alex DeCrowley's old house. | ||
| A 24-carat warlock. | ||
| He was like the fucking devil and shit. | ||
| He lived in his house. | ||
| And you know, for some people, it was like a way to sell records. | ||
| Not for those four. | ||
| Those four were onto something magical. | ||
| You know, they were magical. | ||
| Nine albums. | ||
| But this book, kind of like, I gotta put it down for two days at a time sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, he's a fucking nut. | ||
| That's what it's called. | ||
| The three lives. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| The ten wildest Led Zeppelin legends. | ||
| Guys, read this shit. | ||
| Scroll this shit down, Joe Rogan. | ||
| He dated a fucking year old girl. | ||
| That's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| The truth, Maddox was amazing just 14 when she met Paige, though Paige did what he could to keep the relationship hidden. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| He was crazy. | ||
| When they shoved a little, what they shoved an octopus, a baby shark up a chick's pussy. | ||
| That's so weird, man. | ||
| You could do that back then, right? | ||
| Like, you could do weird shit back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It makes you stop and think. | ||
| Like, what that is is, like, just the beginning of the information age, right? | ||
| Newspapers regularly distributed, television shows on the news. | ||
| All that stuff was only, like, a few decades old when the 60s and the 70s rolled around. | ||
| I mean, you really think about the timeline there. | ||
| It's really kind of fascinating. | ||
| Do you ever think about the jump in technology from, like, You know how it cites that there's no Us Weekly there, right? | ||
| So things kind of advance, and now everything's monitored. | ||
| And now, for instance, you can record a phone call, right? | ||
| Which would be a difficult thing to do back then. | ||
| Or you can have a recorder running on you. | ||
| Do you ever think about how... | ||
| that lack you know the privacy goes away and how to to some degree we can't even conceive of it right now but how easy it will be to record everything at some point like how it'll you know we joke like it's in your watch or it's in your glasses but it will be like yeah you'll walk out of every conversation and there will be some some form to document it yeah it'd be a total loss There's gonna be there's gonna be some changes. | ||
| I don't necessarily agree I'm not convinced I should say not agree. | ||
| I'm not convinced they're gonna be bad to do that Yeah, I just I wonder like what what what's gained through this kind of privacy now I'm not not talking about like privacy like corporations or the government being able to look into your life I'm talking about We might get to a position as human beings within our lifetime where everybody looks into everything about everybody. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Finances, your day-to-day life, sexually, seeing you everywhere you go, no matter what you do. | ||
| We could get to a position where there's no disconnection from any of us, where we're all connected to each other. | ||
| If this keeps going the way it goes, right? | ||
| So it used to be everybody lived far apart, and you had to ride a horse to get to the friend, say hi, and talk to him, and hopefully he's still alive when he came back the next day. | ||
| But there was no communication. | ||
| Then it got to phone calls. | ||
| As things have ramped up, and now it's in your phone, and now your phone's in your watch, and now your watch can tell you who's calling you, and you can look at your phone and see the person. | ||
| Star Trek-type shit. | ||
| Already happening, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's going to get deeper and deeper and deeper. | ||
| People are streaming, live streaming, live streaming Facebook, no matter what they do all day. | ||
| There's a slew of people playing video games, live streaming. | ||
| People are tuning in, watching other people play video games. | ||
| I mean, we're getting like deeper and deeper into this technological rabbit hole where it becomes embedded in your life in a way that was unimaginable before it was introduced. | ||
| Same thing as cell phones. | ||
| Before cell phones were introduced, who would have ever believed if you told them that you were going to get to a point in human history where it is totally common to see people staring at electronic screens while they're all sitting together at a dinner table? | ||
| That there could be five people sitting around, and they're not even talking to each other. | ||
| They're just staring at this electronic screen, and that screen is compelling. | ||
| You know it. | ||
| I know it. | ||
| I get drawn to it. | ||
| You get drawn to it. | ||
| Who knows, man? | ||
| Might be some crazy news. | ||
| Let me check Google real quick. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| You never know what weird shit has been happening in the world, and you get sucked into this. | ||
| This thing is becoming a part of your life in a weird way that nobody anticipated. | ||
| If it keeps going in the direction that it's going, it's going to get weirder in a way we never anticipated before. | ||
| Where it's not going to be just as simple as put your phone down and go outside. | ||
| It's going to be your phone's a part of you. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| Your phone's almost a part of you now. | ||
| If you have to have it, like, I am connected to this goddamn thing more than I touch my dog. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| I love my dog, but I touch that thing more than I touch my dog. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You want to pretend it's not a part of me, man. | ||
| I can just put it right there. | ||
| As long as it's right there. | ||
| As long as it's right there. | ||
| Don't go anywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got you right here. | |
| That's basically a part of me. | ||
| It's basically a part of me. | ||
| How long before I let them open me up? | ||
| Maybe there's a spot in my armpit. | ||
| I don't even use this little spot. | ||
| There's a great short about that. | ||
| There's a great short film about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there? | |
| Yes. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| I don't remember the name of it, but it ends up under the guy's skin. | ||
| What's gonna happen? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I wish I knew that. | ||
| Stay away from this fucking thing. | ||
| I charge in a different room at night. | ||
| You know, the iPad I bought to write, no fucking Facebook, Twitter, or nothing. | ||
| That's good shit. | ||
| You write on an iPad? | ||
| I bought an iPad Pro. | ||
| Do you have like one of those little keyboard things you connect to it? | ||
| I bought the keyboard with the case. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| Bro, it's changed my life. | ||
| I used to have three hours of just shit time a day that it's not enough to work out. | ||
| So what do you write in notes? | ||
| You use a notes program? | ||
| Yeah, I just write in fucking notes. | ||
| And if I don't like the joke that night, I go back and add the tag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You know what's real good? | ||
| Have you ever tried Evernote? | ||
| No. | ||
| Evernote is real good. | ||
| It allows you to use pictures, all kinds of different things. | ||
| Isn't it black out everything else? | ||
| No, no, that's a different thing. | ||
| That's Write Room. | ||
| But Evernote, if you write things, like the things you want to remember, maybe before sets, you can write them down in Evernote and then sync them from your iPad to your phone and back and forth. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| It's one that I use. | ||
| I just got this iPad Pro three weeks ago and it's changed my life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Changed my life. | ||
| I could give a fuck about Twitter, Facebook, nothing. | ||
| When I go to that coffee shop to write, it's just that program. | ||
| I have everything else in there, but I haven't even programmed. | ||
| I have the apps in there. | ||
| I got my fitness plan in there. | ||
| I got BJJ training journal in there. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| You know what I think about the internet, man? | ||
| I think about the internet like I think about foods that are sweet. | ||
| Like, you can have them as long as you don't have too much. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| That's how I feel about even going online. | ||
| I think we're getting to this weird point where we're just relinquishing our consciousness to this machine. | ||
| Relinquishing our consciousness to this connection that we all enjoy. | ||
| It's not our consciousness. | ||
| It's the consciousness we're all sharing about a certain topic. | ||
| We all have to interject on what we think about Charlotteville, or about Trump, or stuff like that. | ||
| There's days you get on Facebook and Twitter, and you're fucking sad. | ||
| You get sad. | ||
| Like, you get sad for people. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I make it a habit, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, there's no reason to be on the internet. | ||
| You stay away from it? | ||
| There's no reason. | ||
| The shows are sold out. | ||
| Your family's at home. | ||
| What are you going to go in there and tell them? | ||
| This is my cheeseburger? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I give a fuck. | ||
| So on the weekends, I don't touch it. | ||
| I force myself. | ||
| Don't touch it. | ||
| For what? | ||
| You have to have a life, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We are forgetting that there's a life. | ||
| You ever go to a park and look at these fucking parents looking at their phones? | ||
| You go to a park with your kid, don't you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't take my phone out of the car at the park. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| Who's gonna call you? | ||
| Your manager? | ||
| What are they gonna tell you? | ||
| What are they gonna tell you? | ||
| They change the spot at the store from 10.15 to 10.30. | ||
| If you're with your kid and your wife, you don't need your phone. | ||
| You really don't. | ||
| Joey, you gotta get into floating, man. | ||
| How come you don't float? | ||
| Because I smoke pot and I think of this shit on my own. | ||
| Yeah, but it's different. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| It's not what you think it is. | ||
| I get anxieties. | ||
| Yeah, but I know you'll be fine. | ||
| Becky works at the place in Pasadena. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And we've been talking a lot about it. | ||
| I'm really scared about these little dabs of anxiety that I get from time to time. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| Listen, it's good for your health. | ||
| No, I know it's good for my health, but when I go give blood, no problem. | ||
| Wait, does weed make you more anxious or less anxious? | ||
| It smoothens it out. | ||
| When it comes to certain things, I have to see a window. | ||
| Like, it's really weird that right now there's not a window in here. | ||
| But I see that fucking door. | ||
| Like when I walk up the steps at the original room and I get anxiety when a comic's on stage, it could be an open mic when I'm next and I start getting this shortness of breath, I have to turn around and look down the stairs at the Comedy Store just by me knowing that I could get out. | ||
| If shit goes down, I'm okay. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| So I don't think a fucking tub's got windows, a floating tank. | ||
| They seal that thing over your head. | ||
| No, they don't seal it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just got a door. | |
| So that's what I'm a little scared of. | ||
| It's really easy. | ||
| I'm not claustrophobic either. | ||
| I was in a cell. | ||
| None of that shit bothers me. | ||
| I just got to see a window. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, listen, it's real easy. | ||
| When you lie in it, it's right there. | ||
| You just lift your hand up and it's right there. | ||
| The door's right there. | ||
| No, we have to... | ||
| You stand up, you open the door. | ||
| It's all in your head. | ||
| You know, look what happened yesterday in Spain and Barcelona. | ||
| What a fucking shame. | ||
| You can't connect terrorist attacks to isolation attacks that quickly. | ||
| But let me ask you a question, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Let me ask you a question, my brother. | ||
| You're an intelligent individual. | ||
| You're an intelligent individual, Tom Segura. | ||
| Jamie, you're not a fucking Phi Beta Kappa, but you know what I mean. | ||
| Jamie might be the smartest guy in the room. | ||
| I know, I'm just teasing you. | ||
| Jamie, how many people were looking down when they got hit by that car yesterday? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| 65 people got hit. | ||
| People are wandering through the streets. | ||
| We have to start paying attention as Americans. | ||
| You cannot live in that fucking thing no more. | ||
| We cannot. | ||
| It's not smart. | ||
| It's not smart to be walking around staring at it. | ||
| All fucking day. | ||
| But sometimes you have to look at it. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Sends you an address. | ||
| You're meeting people there. | ||
| Then there's times you catch yourself. | ||
| You're like, what am I doing right now? | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| All three of us have children. | ||
| Do we want our children to grow up on a fucking computer? | ||
| Do we want them to have life experiences? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're going to. | |
| Both. | ||
| They're going to grow up on computers. | ||
| You're not going to avoid it. | ||
| No, I want them to grow up on computers, but I don't want that whole lifestyle to be on a computer. | ||
| I want them to go outside. | ||
| I want them to get dirty. | ||
| I want them to have life experiences. | ||
| Even if, you know, the only way you learn about life is sometimes by having something negative happening. | ||
| So true. | ||
| Then, these children that are on a computer until they're 18, then they send them away, and they fucking fracture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They fracture. | ||
| It's a different time now for children, guys. | ||
| And we're parents. | ||
| It's a different time. | ||
| It's way different. | ||
| It's different in a way that I don't think anybody's ever seen before, so they don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| Tom's gotta pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha. | |
| Look how slim he is. | ||
| He looks beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Sexy frame. | ||
| I try to keep it as normal as I can. | ||
| I try to keep it as normal as I can. | ||
| I never want to forget who the fuck I am, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Well, you won't. | ||
| And I don't want to forget it for my children and my daughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You won't. | |
| You know, I don't want them. | ||
| The other day, I was driving home, okay, and I saw a little girl selling lemonade with her mom on the corner. | ||
| It was 2,000 degrees in Studio City. | ||
| I pull up to my house. | ||
| I go inside. | ||
| I get my daughter and I get my wife. | ||
| Let's go buy some fucking lemonade from this kid. | ||
| My daughter's going to kindergarten next year at a school that's rated one of the highest schools, but it's a public school. | ||
| Birch kids go there. | ||
| A bunch of kids go there. | ||
| There's no reason to put your kid in these Notre Dames and all these $25,000. | ||
| They want $34,000 a year for kindergarten. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Come on, Joe Rogan. | ||
| How is your child going to benefit? | ||
| Come on, we're all intelligent here. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| $34,000, Monarch, Notre Dame. | ||
| All those schools in the Valley, they want 30 Gs, 2G registration form to sign your kid in. | ||
| Really, Joe Rogan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
People want to keep their kids safe. | |
| No, it's not safe. | ||
| It's so you can tell your friends that your kid's in fucking that school. | ||
| That's what 90% is. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| My kids attend, and you're like, oh, my God. | ||
| And your kid ends up to be a fucking dummy because he's in school with other rich people's fucking kids, and they're all fucking dummies, too, you know? | ||
| They're getting raised by fucking nannies. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| I go to the park, how many fucking white kids do you see with Mexican women? | ||
| Ain't that a fucking shame? | ||
| That all these Mexican women are adopting white kids? | ||
| That's fucked up! | ||
| That's why they didn't want Trump to build a wall, because they have to raise their own fucking kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucked up! | |
| That's fucked up! | ||
| That's why these white people didn't want Mexicans to go, especially in California. | ||
| Who's going to raise their fucking kids? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Go to a swimming class. | ||
| I go to a swimming class Tuesdays and Thursdays with my daughter. | ||
| Jump in the front. | ||
| There's no white parents with their kids. | ||
| Their nannies are in the fucking YMCA with their kids. | ||
| When your kid grows up and he's, what's his name? | ||
| Michael Vanapelo? | ||
| Michael Yiannopoulos. | ||
| Yes, when he's one of those fucking motherfuckers. | ||
| Don't come crying to me. | ||
| Don't come crying to me. | ||
| And let me tell you something. | ||
| I sucked a pacifier till I was six. | ||
| I was raised to be a little cocksucker, but I snapped out of it somewhere. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he told me this. | |
| When my father died, I was one of those little boys you see with their mom holding onto their leg. | ||
| Don't go! | ||
| I was one of those little fucking faggy kids. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I sucked a pacifier till the age of six. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I had potential to be one thing. | ||
| One fucking thing. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| But my mother would not allow that shit to happen. | ||
| Latin mothers don't play that shit. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Latin mothers do not allow that shit. | ||
| I couldn't wear scarves. | ||
| You know there's a lot to wear scarves. | ||
| You wanted to wear a scarf? | ||
| Like a Snoopy scarf? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like I was going to go fly a plane scarf. | |
| Or what's it like one of those Randy Couture scarves, which although I wouldn't wear, I think on him it's quite fetching. | ||
| No, no scarves, no. | ||
| You ever see the Randy Couture scarf? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, Randy Couture will wear what I would call a tactical scarf. | ||
| Oh, like that. | ||
| See, that's the kind of scarf that a Navy SEAL would wear. | ||
| Yeah, PLO style. | ||
| Randy wears a bunch of those things. | ||
| But Randy's such a bad motherfucker, it's almost like he's begging you to try to choke him with that thing. | ||
| Fuck yeah, man. | ||
| Like, come try to grab that thing. | ||
| I'll just leave a handle laying around my neck. | ||
| That should be the name of that album right there. | ||
| That should be his album cover. | ||
| Come try to grab the scarf, bitch. | ||
| Come try to grab the scarf, bitch. | ||
| You know the thing about crazy? | ||
| He's such a nice guy. | ||
| Oh, Randy's a great guy. | ||
| He's such approachable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He'll talk to you about anything. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| And his kid came to my show in Vegas and also has a gym there. | ||
| Coolest kid, man. | ||
| Him and his wife, I think both teach there, too. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Nice family, man. | ||
| His son is, yeah. | ||
| His son, I think he was fighting in the World Series of Fighting, which now has a new name. | ||
| But yeah, he fought for a bunch of different people, right? | ||
| Didn't he fight for Strikeforce? | ||
| I think he might have fought for Bellator. | ||
| Ryan Couture, talented fighter. | ||
| Hey, while we're at it, don't forget to remind you, has fucking Gino given you the CBD roll-on yet? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| How does that even work? | ||
| Is that voodoo? | ||
| Squirt it like a cream? | ||
| You rub it on like spots that are sore? | ||
| No, my wife moves it on my fucking back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Get out of the shower. | ||
| Done. | ||
| It gets in weird spots. | ||
| Yeah, done. | ||
| It must have some sort of anti-inflammatory properties or something like that. | ||
| Do you like that Thai liniment? | ||
| Anybody ever rub that stuff on you? | ||
| No, I've never known. | ||
| Like Thai's, like Thai boxers and shit. | ||
| You've got to realize they're always dealing with bones slamming into their legs. | ||
| They're all sore and shit. | ||
| And they rub this like Thai liniment. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird, smelly stuff. | ||
| I don't think it heals them, man, but it makes sure it feels good. | ||
| What's the one the Chinese use? | ||
| Oh, that's a similar one, Tiger Balm, like that kind of shit? | ||
| No, they have another thing that's called something juice, and when I was a kid, I used to have the iron palm bag, and I would rub that on my hands and do the iron palm technique and shit with that. | ||
| It's called something that has a weird smell to it. | ||
| What does this stuff do? | ||
| When that stuff heats your skin up and you're like, oh god, like icy hot, that kind of shit. | ||
| What is that really doing? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I think it's just tricking you into thinking. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think it really is. | ||
| Someone who's a friend of mine who's a doctor described it as a topical analgesic. | ||
| Meaning that it does something to the surface of your skin. | ||
| But maybe is it psychological that makes you feel like it's healing up? | ||
| Like when you have a muscle soreness or something like that? | ||
| Do you have a little bit of a wound? | ||
| A little injury? | ||
| There's a psychological aspect to that. | ||
| I feel like you think you're getting work done. | ||
| There's probably a psychological aspect to healing. | ||
| In general. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't think it's 100%, but I think you could sway it in a better direction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, that's got to be what the placebo effect is, right? | ||
| They tell you they're going to give you a pill. | ||
| And it's going to make you feel better. | ||
| And you're like, oh, this is it. | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| They gave me the pill. | ||
| And you actually do feel better and even show signs of recovery immediately corresponding to you taking that pill. | ||
| Your brain has convinced yourself. | ||
| What about that dude you've had on the podcast whose brain is like a fucking healing serum? | ||
| Oh, Wim Hof. | ||
| Yeah, Wim Hof. | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| I mean, he trains people. | ||
| He teaches people how to do it. | ||
| He's as legit as they get. | ||
| He holds the world record for swimming under ice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ice? | |
| Yes. | ||
| And, by the way, he fucked up and couldn't figure out which way to get out because his retinas had frozen over because the water was so cold. | ||
| How does he do this? | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's a fucking savage, that guy, in the most beautiful sense of the word. | ||
| He just has incredible breath control. | ||
| That's a big part of his whole entire philosophy. | ||
| So the guy's following this rope. | ||
| Once he's committed to it, by the way, he's just got these little spots along the way where he can get some air. | ||
| But he lost track. | ||
| He couldn't see good anymore because it was so goddamn cold. | ||
| He couldn't figure out where the exit is. | ||
| So he went more than the full distance. | ||
| That was his goal in the first place. | ||
| Which was insane. | ||
| All of it's insane. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That guy has something special. | ||
| He teaches people, which is the crazier part even to me, that he's gotten people, train them to swim in, like, freezing water, walk through ice, and also fight off a cold. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck, man? | |
| I use his breathing technique before I go on stage. | ||
| And when I do, I have better shows. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| I think you, like, kind of hyper-oxygenate and stimulate your mind. | ||
| How sophisticated is his breathing technique? | ||
| Well, it's a lot of what he does that I find beneficial is like, and I've heard this concept in yoga before too, is breathing in, like take a giant breath, and letting out, excuse me, Letting out about 20%, and then breathing in again as hard as you can, and letting out about 20%, breathing in as hard as you can, and then continue that for long periods of time. | ||
| Dude, I do that in the cryo tank, where I stand in the cold air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Three minutes goes by like that. | ||
| There's a giant difference between when I do that and when I don't do that. | ||
| So you focus on your breathing. | ||
| It's a little bit of that. | ||
| There's something about people that are encountering any sort of stimulation where it's real hard to manage the stimulation without letting everything get fucking crazy and haywire. | ||
| And being able to manage it has a gigantic effect on what the actual results or the actual experience of being this cold is. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because it's the same goddamn thing, but if you can control your breath and control your consciousness, and you're doing something that seems to be heating up your body, too, in a little bit of a way. | ||
| Almost like an internal exercise, because it's difficult to do, because you're taking these big, giant breaths of cold air, and then you're letting out a little, and then you're taking a big, giant breath. | ||
| It's almost like you're flexing your lungs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you do that, man... | ||
| I mean, it might make it 20, 30% easier to deal with three minutes. | ||
| Supposedly... | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| One of the Olympics. | ||
| I don't know what year it is, if you'd like to check, whoever. | ||
| The Russians beat the fuck out of the Americans. | ||
| Supposedly, Americans came out, walking out, you know, the flag, and the Russians all came out going, Hoo! | ||
| Hoo! | ||
| Hoo! | ||
| And they couldn't figure out what the fuck is wrong with these motherfuckers. | ||
| That's what they were doing. | ||
| They warm up their lungs and they look back to think about what they're about to do, the technique they're about to use, and to let the blood go to the back. | ||
| Something fucking weird I read about that was pretty interesting. | ||
| Whether it's true or not, I don't know. | ||
| But supposedly their cardio was so ahead of the United States because they were doing a pre- Like breathing exercises. | ||
| I think it has something to do. | ||
| Now is that the guy that also has the record for the deepest drop? | ||
| I think it's a different guy. | ||
| That's a different guy. | ||
| He's the one that I read about. | ||
| He's the one that wrote about how you have to prepare for all that stuff. | ||
| And that it was learned when the Russians came out in the Olympics. | ||
| It's interesting to focus on your breath. | ||
| I don't do it much. | ||
| I've actually been doing Pilates. | ||
| And it's way fucking A, harder than I thought it was going to be. | ||
| But B, you're thinking about your breath for an hour, basically. | ||
| You're always working on your breath. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| It's not a secret that the greatest jiu-jitsu guy of all time had this crazy breath control. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Hicks and Gracie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a bunch of videos of him. | ||
| You ever see the documentary Choke? | ||
| You ever heard of it? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's an amazing documentary about this guy, Hicks and Gracie, who's almost universally regarded as the greatest jiu-jitsu player of all time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And fought a bunch of fights in MMA and strangled everybody and fought. | ||
| But there's this video where he's doing this yoga exercise. | ||
| Warm-up sort of thing that he would do every day and he does this thing with his stomach that you watch him do this and He starts warming his stomach up. | ||
| He's doing this like fire breathing shit But then he starts sucking his stomach into like the upper corners of his ribcage like rhythmically in this like almost impossible Like when you're watching him doing it, like he's warming everything up, and then once he gets it warmed up, he starts wiggling the internals. | ||
| Like, look at this, man. | ||
| Who the fuck has that kind of control of your abdominal muscles? | ||
| This guy would do this, like, every time he trained? | ||
| He did it all the time. | ||
| He did it constantly. | ||
| He did this, he did yoga constantly, gymnastics. | ||
| He did a type of yoga called Gymnastica Natural, which is a Brazilian sort of a... | ||
| A combination of yoga and a lot of movements, like rolling and animal-like movements, natural movements. | ||
| Amazing stuff. | ||
| See if you can find the guy who created that Gymnastica Natural, so you give the guy credit, because there's a really amazing style of working out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Those guys are into gymnastics. | ||
| There's a couple of Brazilian guys that are teaching. | ||
| That sport is actually so much more badass than it's given credit for. | ||
| Jiu-Jitsu? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm talking about gymnasts. | ||
| Oh, gymnasts, for sure. | ||
| Or even yoga masters. | ||
| Their physical ability is so beyond, I think, most people's perception of it when they first think about it. | ||
| These people are fucking psychos, man. | ||
| Professor Alvaro Romano is the guy who created Gymnastica Natural. | ||
| And that was Hickson's thing. | ||
| And there's videos of him doing it, doing it on the beach. | ||
| There's a video of Hickson doing it and you watch the movement and you go, oh, this is almost like he's having like, it's almost like shadow fighting with Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| Because you're being able to put your body in these weird positions over and over and over again and balance yourself and control. | ||
| It's all about just controlling your body in any weird way that you could possibly encounter a position where you'd have to be strong. | ||
| Wild shit, because he was way ahead of the curve, man. | ||
| Everybody back then was doing Mexican supplements and deadlifts and bench pressing and fucking running over each other in training camp, beating the shit out of each other, and Hickson was just strangling people. | ||
| It's really a fascinating thing when you stop and think about it, that this one guy was the best and so far ahead of the curve and so few people even people that really got into Jiu Jitsu saw well first of all he had amazing talent his dad was Elio Gracie those are two giant factors but also the way he trained and the way he controlled his breath and his own son Krohn Gracie who's world champion one of the best grapplers in the world can do all that stuff too he has massive breath control and | ||
| he'll tell you it's all about your breath Being able to control your breath is a massive part of your anxiety levels. | ||
| It's a massive part of how you can deal with stress, how you can calm yourself down. | ||
| You have control and power over your lungs. | ||
| What does this do? | ||
| He's out there in the jungle. | ||
| This guy's actually doing it in the jungle. | ||
| Jacare does a lot of that stuff. | ||
| We all breathe naturally. | ||
| If you look at your children, they're breathing the way that we're supposed to breathe. | ||
| Somewhere where we're 10 or 12, we become a teenager, we go off. | ||
| My breathing was complete. | ||
| I went to seminars. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| When I went to jiu-jitsu, I created so much fear in my mind from being on my back that I would immediately run outside and take my gi off and pee my pants. | ||
| And most people would quit. | ||
| Like, I'd just pee a little bit in my shorts. | ||
| Most people would have quit. | ||
| I don't like that feeling. | ||
| So I kept calling back. | ||
| And I wouldn't improve. | ||
| I wouldn't improve because of my cardio. | ||
| Yeah, I've been smoking joints for 30 years. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a fat fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was that I had to build. | ||
| Like, I had to get Bas Rutten's mouthpiece to build my diaphragm. | ||
| Just to... | ||
| To suck. | ||
| I had nose therapy. | ||
| All this because of jiu-jitsu. | ||
| That boss rootin' thing is legit. | ||
| The boss rootin' thing is legit. | ||
| When I hit the bag, I used the boss rootin' thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think what they're saying is the best way to use it is just use it in exercises. | ||
| Exercise. | ||
| Like use it as an exercise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Push-ups. | |
| Sit-ups, yeah. | ||
| Just do a few things with it and just blow some air out with it. | ||
| Really good. | ||
| It's really helped me. | ||
| But that's how much I've learned about it. | ||
| Now I don't have as much anxiety. | ||
| I breathe it out. | ||
| It really fucking... | ||
| So I've done a lot of reading about it. | ||
| But that guy's article about the guy that dipped the longest, his was the most interesting. | ||
| I didn't know about this guy on the fucking ice and shit. | ||
| But it's true, man. | ||
| Once you... | ||
| Now I'm rolling, and now I pull guard all the time just to be on my back. | ||
| I want to be fearful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I just look back. | ||
| Whenever I have a problem, I do a thing called hula boo that the Indians did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hula boo? | |
| Where you look hookaloo or something like that. | ||
| Oh, hookalow. | ||
| Hookalow, where you look up and you center again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's helped me become a better comic. | ||
| Sometimes you're up there talking shit and you just center yourself. | ||
| And all these little things I learned because I joined jujitsu, like my breathing, I focus on it. | ||
| When I roll now, I don't care about hands no more. | ||
| I don't care if you choke me. | ||
| I really don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm horrible anyway. | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| I'm just learning to breathe all over you. | ||
| I'm just learning to breathe. | ||
| I was grabbing you and trying to go for a cross collar and then fucking doing something completely different for a scissor sweep. | ||
| And somebody's like, Joey, you gotta exhale, brother. | ||
| Chili, do you do yoga for jiu-jitsu? | ||
| Don't they have a class like that down at our schools? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, we do. | ||
| I go earlier... | ||
| What's the name of the actual... | ||
| The thing is called TacFit, but I go to yoga with my wife once a week. | ||
| We just go to... | ||
| She goes four times. | ||
| I just go with the Tuesday one just to loosen up from 10 to 11. I'm not that good at it. | ||
| Tacfit is our friends. | ||
| Tacfit is our Scott Sonnen and Galazi. | ||
| Galazi, who you did the podcast with me. | ||
| They're fucking having a tremendous workshop. | ||
| I can't go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's at fucking 9 to 5. I can't remember that much shit. | |
| Saturday and Sunday. | ||
| What are they teaching you? | ||
| Kettlebells meets clubbells with Galazi. | ||
| And how it affects jiu-jitsu and MMA and stuff like that. | ||
| So last week I got to meet Scott Sonnen. | ||
| And boy, he's fucking great, Joe. | ||
| He's got a lot of great stuff about club bells. | ||
| Yes, great stuff. | ||
| I've seen some of his videos and things. | ||
| Listen, I'm up to the 20 pounds from Aubrey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I started, when I first got the club bells from Aubrey, my wrist was hurting with five pounds. | ||
| I couldn't even do the simple five-pound one. | ||
| Now I'm taking 20s, holding them, going all the way back, bringing them back, and it's all focused on my back and breathing. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I just threw shit to breathing. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if I get beat up, because that's what was really bothering me, was the breathing. | ||
| You've been getting better at it. | ||
| Yeah, but now I'm getting better at it, plus the sleep apnea had put a lot of fear. | ||
| So being on my back and being out of breath, the sleep apnea would kick in again. | ||
| Do you ever do those shield casts? | ||
| What's that, bro? | ||
| Remember the Iron Sheik? | ||
| Remember the Iron Sheik used to hold up those gigantic Iranian clubs that they would use for wrestling training? | ||
| It's like it was a really strong move for wrestling training. | ||
| See if you could find one with the Iron Sheik, because he was... | ||
| The Iron Sheik, for people who don't know, he was a pro wrestler in the WWE. It was WWF back then. | ||
| And before he was that, he was a super successful Iranian amateur wrestler. | ||
| He was a legit wrestler. | ||
| Legit wrestling skills. | ||
| And ridiculously strong. | ||
| And he's holding these things... | ||
| I don't know how much these things weigh, but they... | ||
| It doesn't look like he's faking this because of the slow motion of how he's moving it. | ||
| They look like heavy objects. | ||
| I don't know how much they weigh, but this is a really hard workout to do. | ||
| You know, I can barely do that shit with like 15 pounds and I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| With one hand, it's hard. | ||
| It's a weird control thing. | ||
| And you realize, like, how you're strong in certain areas. | ||
| No, those are definitely heavy as fuck, dude. | ||
| They're heavy as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're strong in certain areas. | ||
| Like, that guy's super jacked. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| It's got beautiful underwear. | ||
| But it's a very difficult thing because you could be really strong when it comes to a straight shoulder press. | ||
| You could hoist up like 70 pounds, but there's no fucking way in the world you're going to be moving around 70 pounds like that. | ||
| You just can't do it. | ||
| Your arm's gonna fall off. | ||
| Especially if you have it in the form of a club. | ||
| You can't even get close. | ||
| I can do a lot of shit with heavy kettlebells, but when it comes to one of those clubs, I take two hands to move around a 30-pound one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is crazy. | ||
| If someone says 30 pounds, do you bench press 30 pounds? | ||
| Bro, that's all we got here? | ||
| Fucking 30 pounds, bro! | ||
| Fuck, I can't even get a pump! | ||
| Doing something with one of these clubs that's 30 pounds is fucking insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| You have to be so goddamn strong. | ||
| And that sounds weird. | ||
| Because it seems like, well, 30 pounds is 30 pounds. | ||
| But when you start swinging that shit over your head, and it's long, and so, like, the leverage is going against you. | ||
| Look at him, dude. | ||
| He looks like a fucking bulldozer. | ||
| Dude, he was a bulldozer. | ||
| This is the guy that's on Twitter calling everybody to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Everybody's like, this is the guy. | ||
| This is him. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He hates Nazis. | ||
| I retweeted him the other day about Nazis. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I was on stage with him in Toronto. | ||
| It was one of my favorite moments as a human. | ||
| Calling people jabronis. | ||
| Yeah, he calls everybody a piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He fucking hated everybody. | ||
| He's a good man, though. | ||
| And he was a stud wrestler, but that's the dark secret of not just professional wrestling, but of just real high-level grappling. | ||
| It's like the damage that gets done to a lot of those guys' bodies is almost unfixable, and he's all fucked up now. | ||
| Ric Flair's not in a coma, but in the ICU for the last four or five days. | ||
| Yeah, I heard about that. | ||
| And how old is Ric Flair? | ||
| You know, they pay a price. | ||
| They pay a price to entertain in that way. | ||
| It's very physically violent. | ||
| Just because it's not, quote-unquote, a real fight, whereas there's an unplanned outcome and they're just throwing haymakers at each other like a real MMA fight. | ||
| Just because it's not that doesn't mean that they're not taking in a lot of damage. | ||
| Oh, a lot of physical damage. | ||
| Hit with those fucking forearm shivers and dropped a fucking chair on them. | ||
| Like, all that shit is fucking them up, man. | ||
| A lot of them have brain damage, too. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure there's no studies on it, but I'm sure. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure some of them avoided it. | ||
| You know, some of them fought smart. | ||
| What does he say? | ||
| What is that boy saying in your song? | ||
| I thought it was Halloween. | ||
| What does he say? | ||
| Dropping motherfucking bees on them. | ||
| What does he say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Ghetto boys? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What was that line? | ||
| Oh my god, I haven't heard that in so long. | ||
| What song is that? | ||
| Oh, it's the Halloween song, right? | ||
| We've been chickening up the place. | ||
| What's that, Jamie? | ||
| My mind playing tricks on me. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| This wasn't no ordinary. | ||
| He was by seven feet. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| We triple teamed on him. | ||
| Dropping them motherfucking bees on him. | ||
| The more I do, whatever. | ||
| The more I swung, the more blood flew. | ||
| Then he disappeared and then my boys disappeared too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a classic, man. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Bushwick Bill, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember when there was a fucking cover? | ||
| The cover of a Ghetto Boy CD is Bushwick Bill with his eyes shot out in a fucking nut. | ||
| Not even this one, it's another one. | ||
| In the gurney on the way to the hospital. | ||
| And it's like, We Can't Be Stopped is the name of the album. | ||
| He got shot in the eye. | ||
| It's hilarious, man. | ||
| I think he shot himself in the eye. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck happened. | ||
| Someone shot him in the eye. | ||
| And he's like, we can't be stopped. | ||
| And he's in the gurney. | ||
| Like, look at this. | ||
| Oh, yeah, right. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's on the phone. | ||
| He's got one of them bricks. | ||
| He's got one of them brick cell phones from the olden days. | ||
| From back of the Gordon Gekko days. | ||
| These guys aren't playing games, man. | ||
| And so he got shot in the eye. | ||
| And while that's happening, he's on the phone doing deals. | ||
| Doing deals. | ||
| Still doing deals. | ||
| What was the conversation they had? | ||
| Like as they were pushing, they said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Why don't we take a picture so we can put this on? | ||
| Yo, yo, yo. | ||
| We gotta take a picture here. | ||
| Let me take this bandage off right quick. | ||
| Let me take this bandage off right quick. | ||
| Oh my God, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, who's the midget? | ||
| That's Bushwick Bill. | ||
| That's horrible nomenclature, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore. | ||
| Who's the small person? | ||
| Yes, there you go. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Now I think differently of you. | ||
| John Wesley saw him fucking changing the flat once in Houston. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he pulled over to help Bushwick Bill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He goes, how cool was that? | ||
| I helped Bushwick Bill. | ||
| I met Willie D at a show once. | ||
| He came to a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| He's got one of my favorite quotes all the time. | ||
| You gotta let a hoe be a hoe. | ||
| He's totally right. | ||
| You gotta let your nuts hang. | ||
| He really did shoot his eye out. | ||
| He really did. | ||
| Oh yeah, that wasn't a publicity stunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Damn. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Imagine that face walking up to you, like at a store, and just being like, I'm a celebrity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Fucking eyes shot out. | ||
| They were fucking huge at one time. | ||
| Ghetto Boys? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Two Life Crew. | ||
| We Can't Be Stopped? | ||
| We Can't Be Stopped is a big fucking album. | ||
| They were huge. | ||
| I used to listen to them when I was on the Treadmaster. | ||
| Fucking Stairmaster things, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Rap-A-Lot, right? | ||
| Isn't that the Houston label? | ||
| Wasn't that Rap-A-Lot? | ||
| They put Houston on the map, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, Rap-A-Lot. | ||
| That's exactly what it was. | ||
| Fifth Ward. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| What happened to that dude with the white dude with the teeth? | ||
| Oh, Paul Wall? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I think he's still out there. | ||
| He still makes teeth, for sure. | ||
| Does he make grills? | ||
| Yeah, he still does. | ||
| He makes grills. | ||
| You can get Paul Wall made grills. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| We should all get grills. | ||
| That's a good idea for real. | ||
| That's a great Christmas. | ||
| Get some Death Squad grills. | ||
| Let's do it, man. | ||
| Let's fucking do it. | ||
| Will you do it? | ||
| Please? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Will you please do it? | |
| How many teeth? | ||
| How many teeth are we talking? | ||
| Let's just get a row, man. | ||
| A full row? | ||
| No, like tops or bottoms. | ||
| Would we go to Paul? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Paul Wall. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Joe Rogan 1000. There you go. | ||
| If it cuts your lips. | ||
| No, it's fine, man. | ||
| What if it gets hooked up on your wife's pussy? | ||
| That's cool, too. | ||
| If it's diamonds, she'll be cool with it. | ||
| Yank it out of there. | ||
| How much is it for the denture grills? | ||
| How much for that one? | ||
| The denture grills? | ||
| Let's see that one. | ||
| What's the cost on that? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Those are the ones you slide right off and on. | ||
| Look at the fucking diamond grill. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What about people that want to be diamond vampires? | ||
| That's $2,400. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That's not bad. | ||
| $2,400 for jewelry in your teeth. | ||
| Just to let everybody know, you're not playing by any. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Wicked rules! | ||
| You're definitely not, man. | ||
| If you meet a dude and he has a number of gold teeth, the number of gold teeth has a direct proportion as to whether or not he's a pirate, right? | ||
| Dude, shoot your next special wearing these motherfuckers. | ||
| Let people know what time it is, man. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| J-R-E, and then put the name of the special on the bottom. | ||
| I need a hype, man. | ||
| I've been thinking of calling you on this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd love to. | |
| Asking you to figure out what's my best strategy. | ||
| I'm trying to hype out. | ||
| Is that a word? | ||
| You know what I would do? | ||
| As soon as you hit a big punchline, I would go, and that was fucking funny! | ||
| To get them wrapped up even more. | ||
| Look at Lil fuckin' John. | ||
| I wonder what he makes a year just showing up and going, yeah, yeah! | ||
| A lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Yeah, like 50 grand a fuckin'... | ||
| I'm sure, man. | ||
| Lil Jon stays paid. | ||
| It was like Paris Hilton was like one of the biggest things that she had was like those nightclub appearances. | ||
| She'd go and they'd just pay her a grip of money. | ||
| Yeah, just to be there. | ||
| And she would just show up. | ||
| Hey everybody, it's Paris Hilton. | ||
| When I lived in Orlando, some guy gave her a club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was called Club Paris. | |
| Everyone was supposed to come show up because she was supposed to be there every weekend. | ||
| She's not going to Orlando every weekend, obviously. | ||
| Was that the idea that he had? | ||
| How coked up are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know if I'm going into business with Paris Hilton. | |
| I got an idea. | ||
| I'm going to give her a club. | ||
| I'm going to give her a club, bro. | ||
| Is that cool? | ||
| You see it? | ||
| You see the connection? | ||
| If you're hearing this guy who made that deal, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm just joking around. | ||
| I don't really think that happened. | ||
| Do you remember when they were fucking that hot? | ||
| Like, when we were first going to the comedy store, Sunset, when you hit Laurel Canyon, it was bumper-to-bumper traffic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It was bumper-to-bumper traffic. | ||
| I remember getting a ticket one time, because my spot was up. | ||
| I just went in the middle lane. | ||
| There was a cop right there fucking waiting for me by the standard. | ||
| You know, that was when Hilton, and what's the other chick that was getting in trouble? | ||
| Lindsay Lohan. | ||
| Yeah, she was getting a lot of trouble. | ||
| They were out every fucking night causing problems. | ||
| Then Lindsay Lohan went to the griddle before court one day. | ||
| She went to that place that we went to. | ||
| That breakfast place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good place. | ||
| And that was it after that. | ||
| The griddle was packed for fucking months after that because they thought Lindsay was going to go in there for breakfast every morning. | ||
| They have those crazy pancakes, right? | ||
| They still do. | ||
| You have good pancakes. | ||
| I mean, but I'm saying that it's like 18 pancakes and one they're like, there's your pancake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They fucking kill you there. | |
| It's nuts, man. | ||
| They kill you there. | ||
| They'll kill you. | ||
| They kill you. | ||
| They serve the coffee you like 15 years ago. | ||
| Fresh press. | ||
| Oh yeah, fresh press. | ||
| They were. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| 15 fucking years ago. | ||
| Good stuff. | ||
| Yeah, 15 years ago they had coffee from like Hawaii there. | ||
| Yeah, they were doing a good job there. | ||
| I just don't like waiting on line for eggs, bro. | ||
| I'm anti-waiting on line for eggs. | ||
| I'm anti-waiting in line, basically, period, for restaurants. | ||
| I mean, when something kind of reasonable, fine. | ||
| Obviously, it's like your table. | ||
| You don't have a table. | ||
| You have to hang out. | ||
| But when they're like, this place is awesome. | ||
| It's just an hour and a half. | ||
| Have you ever done Franklin's Barbecue in Austin? | ||
| No. | ||
| It comes up every time. | ||
| I'm not staying in line. | ||
| I'm not paying nobody $8 an hour. | ||
| Get more fucking help in there. | ||
| And come out and get more fucking waitresses. | ||
| What's that hamburger place? | ||
| They do it. | ||
| They got people out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's just a place to be cool. | |
| Some people sit there for eight bucks an hour for you. | ||
| Ari likes that shit. | ||
| Sitting there, listen, nothing. | ||
| I don't want to wait for nothing. | ||
| When I go to breakfast in Hollywood, if I go to the doctor, I stop by the griddle first. | ||
| Is it still nuts there? | ||
| It's still a little line, but if they give me any drama, there's a bagel place across the street that's tremendous. | ||
| I got a nice, clean turkey, Bobby. | ||
| They make fresh fucking turkey and put it on your bagel, Bobby. | ||
| I ain't fucking around, Jack. | ||
| The best wizard job in all of Hollywood is pinks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the worst food I've ever had. | ||
| They are goddamned wizards. | ||
| Horrific. | ||
| I remember moving here in 2002. That's the first thing you do. | ||
| And you're like, man, I gotta hit that spot. | ||
| Look at that line. | ||
| And then you get one of those hot dogs. | ||
| You went, it's a hot dog. | ||
| If you're into hot dogs, it's a terrible hot dog. | ||
| I feel like you actually bite into it and you're like, this is amazing. | ||
| And then you take another bite and you're like, no, I just hype myself into thinking. | ||
| I wanted it to be amazing. | ||
| But listen, fuck us. | ||
| That place is crowded every goddamn night. | ||
| It's something smart about cooking. | ||
| No, it's about cooking outdoors, too. | ||
| Having that open window so you walk by and you can see them cooking the hot dogs. | ||
| I went in there and the buns were pink, the buns were yellow, the chili was god-awful, and the hot dogs were god-awful. | ||
| The real problem for me is always gonna be that I've had real New York hot dogs that snap when you bite them. | ||
| There's those type of hot dogs that they were making The buns were perfect. | ||
| The buns go so far. | ||
| With burgers too, you know? | ||
| Amazing buns. | ||
| But there's something about when you snap into one of those and you taste that real fresh, real delicious hot dog taste. | ||
| Regular bullshit hot dogs, they just don't fly anymore. | ||
| Like when you go to a Dodger stadium, those are the worst. | ||
| Hot dogs you'll ever have. | ||
| You know, Adam Carolla's in some sort of a beef with fans about that? | ||
| It's a horrible hot dog. | ||
| Dodger dogs? | ||
| It's god-awful. | ||
| It's like you're eating oatmeal from American Airlines. | ||
| You think you're poisoning yourself. | ||
| Every time I get the oatmeal from American, I'm like, am I fucking poisoning myself? | ||
| Those Dodger dogs are so fucking bad, man. | ||
| They're horrible. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what anybody says. | ||
| When I was in the... | ||
| From junior year... | ||
| What's that word? | ||
| Excoriates? | ||
| He excoriates? | ||
| The Dodger dog implores rams to serve better beef. | ||
| What is that word? | ||
| Have you ever seen that word? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whoever you are, word wizard of Google. | ||
| It's my junior year in high school. | ||
| Mr. Hildebrand took us to the fucking Sabrat place. | ||
| Just to take us through a little walk, you know, because what his job was to do was to every month to show us different career opportunities. | ||
| And we went to this hot dog thing down like we had to take a bus down there. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, so there's four Puerto Ricans, and they got brooms, and they got yellow suits on, and they got those boots on, okay? | ||
| And there's a fucking, you know when you work on a construction site, and you throw the sheetrock in the tube, and the tube goes down to the first floor into the dumpster, okay? | ||
| So there's a tube like that. | ||
| And then there's four Puerto Ricans with broom, and there's six Puerto Ricans with bags of 80-pound and 90-pound salt. | ||
| This is back in 1980, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| You know, 90 pounds. | ||
| And there's pallets of 90 pounds. | ||
| And every once in a while, the light turns red, and this thing, just body parts start falling. | ||
| Heads, shoulders, eyeballs, you just see it. | ||
| And then these guys, the other Puerto Ricans, break the bags of salt and put them on this shit that's falling. | ||
| Like, it's nonstop. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And these guys sweep that. | ||
| Into a fucking hole. | ||
| And that's how the hot dog gets. | ||
| But it's everything. | ||
| It's the leg, the hoof, the arm. | ||
| You know, what do you think? | ||
| What happens to a leg when somebody gets into a car accident, a 405? | ||
| What do you think happens to the leg? | ||
| You think they take it home? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| They call Hormel first. | ||
| They go, Hormel, we got a black leg for you. | ||
| It's about 300 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Yeah, we'll call you back in five minutes. | ||
| Then they call White Castle. | ||
| Listen, we got a deal for you. | ||
| Then they hang up with him. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| And they call Steakums and they send that leg over. | ||
| What do you think they're going to do with that big fucking leg that weighs 300 pounds? | ||
| You think they just put that leg away? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| That's what you eat. | ||
| Could you imagine if they found out that people were grinding up people they found in the morgue and making hot dogs out of them? | ||
| Boy, fucking... | ||
| Imagine if that was true! | ||
| Fucking Roy DeMayo was killing people, and he had a friend that had a supermarket that owed him money. | ||
| So at night, he'd go kill him in the supermarket and put him in the meat grinder. | ||
| And the next day, people would come in and put their meat. | ||
| What the fuck were you eating? | ||
| What do you think was left over in there? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| He ground people up. | ||
| What do you think was left over in there? | ||
| Yeah, for a couple of his murders, he had a guy that owed him money for Shylocking. | ||
| Wasn't he draining people? | ||
| Draining people, hanging them upside down and draining people. | ||
| The other guy from the Gambino's owned a chain of supermarkets. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| The other guy from the Gambino's owned great white auto. | ||
| Remember when you were in Queens and shit? | ||
| They have those people that balance your tires and shit? | ||
| He owned all of them. | ||
| Well, they bought into legit businesses. | ||
| That was a good way to declare income. | ||
| The other guy had, the guy that, the heavy guy, Conti or something, that guy was a known heroin dealer. | ||
| He was on the board of directors of noose bombs of a supermarket. | ||
| You want me to tell you what this motherfucker did? | ||
| They had about 30 restaurants, they had about 30 supermarkets in the Jersey area. | ||
| And one day he just called local 202 carpenters and said, do me a favor, go to every supermarket and add an aisle. | ||
| So every supermarket had an aisle that whatever they took went directly to the mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| So they had 13 supermarkets. | ||
| Like aisle number 5 wasn't really aisle number 5. Nobody knew about aisle number 5. So whatever was bought in that aisle, that cash went upstairs for 13 supermarkets on a daily basis. | ||
| They were just going to a supermarket and add two lanes and go, we don't even, don't worry about those two lanes. | ||
| How fucking bizarre is that shit? | ||
| It's crazy that the FBI and all the people, various law enforcement organizations figured out a way to crack that and break it down. | ||
| They cracked it after they made $10 million. | ||
| Then they cracked it. | ||
| You know who lives in Studio City, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| I just met him at this coffee shop about three months ago and I talk to him all the time and I'm about to sick him loose on people. | ||
| Sick him loose on people. | ||
| Who? | ||
| The last godfather in this country was a guy by the name of Joe something. | ||
| Big fat guy. | ||
| He came out and he made everybody shut the... | ||
| He was fucking genius, Joe. | ||
| Came out of jail, made everybody shut the social clubs. | ||
| Everybody had to have a job. | ||
| Everybody had to have a job. | ||
| No drugs. | ||
| Everybody stuck to it. | ||
| They were doing phenomenal. | ||
| He was doing phenomenal, Joe Messina. | ||
| But somebody was shaking down a restaurant and he went in there and they were giving him $20,000 a week for security. | ||
| So they couldn't figure out how to get Messino because he wasn't doing anything outside, and they got this forensic accountant to go in there, and they shut down the mob, this guy. | ||
| Well, this guy retired, lives in fucking Studio City. | ||
| We were talking to him one day, he goes, for a thousand bucks, somebody gives you a hard time, you have the right to go in there and look at their books. | ||
| He goes, don't bring none of these fucking white idiots from Hollywood. | ||
| Bring me. | ||
| Because I'll find everything in there, plus I'll make them a deal if they don't pay you. | ||
| I call my friends at the fucking IRS, and I'll have them here within a day looking through your asshole. | ||
| So we're ready to sick motherfuckers. | ||
| I got one guy I'm ready to sick him on. | ||
| He keeps telling me, oh, we haven't made any money. | ||
| Keep it up. | ||
| Keep it up, because I'm going to sick this little fucking... | ||
| And this guy's one of those, he's not even Jewish. | ||
| He's just crazy and white. | ||
| But for a thousand bucks, he'll go in there. | ||
| And he was the same guy that brought down thousands of people for the FBI. When they can't figure you out, forensic fucking accounting, you're done. | ||
| The math better add up, Jack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| So anybody who gives you guys a hard time, we don't know. | ||
| We haven't sold a lot of them. | ||
| Thousand bucks. | ||
| And he'll go in there and he's fucking... | ||
| When you look at him, he's one of those white dudes that did 30 years in the Marines that he's pretty serious. | ||
| He goes, I'll rip them fucking open for you. | ||
| I'll find every dime and then I'll make them an offer they can't refuse. | ||
| They got three days to give you a check for the un-whatever or we contact our buddies in the IRS and I'll have them here in 24 hours to look in your asshole until they find something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that true? | |
| Can you really do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can call the IRS and go, hey man. | |
| Wait till you see the end of the year. | ||
| Wait till all these people who've been talking shit about Trump. | ||
| You think Kathy Griffiths, they're not going to get in her ass and anybody else? | ||
| You watch. | ||
| I don't trust Trump when it comes to something like that. | ||
| I'm not saying he's a bad dude or anything like that. | ||
| What I'm saying is, Trump's one of those dudes you really don't want to mess with. | ||
| I believe that if people want to put pressure on you, they could get you to the IRS. I think agencies have been doing it for years. | ||
| I shouldn't even have said Trump. | ||
| What did you guys think of this Charlottesville stuff and his reaction to it? | ||
| I think he's just a big failure, man. | ||
| What did you feel like when it was all... | ||
| He fumbled on what I thought was like two levels like so there's the There's the leadership like presidential level right where you go like this is the office that we look to and then there's like the person so I think He's it's weird how he makes you know everything is about him and and he even started one of those Press conferences and it went into like how the economy is doing so like I think it's hard to view that dude morally as | ||
| somebody that you would enjoy being around as a person. | ||
| I actually get what he was trying to do with his criticizing Antifa and stuff. | ||
| The lack of savviness is even maybe more in not knowing. | ||
| This is a time where you do this and not that. | ||
| That's also something you're like, wow. | ||
| He just feels like he's totally unfit for the job, in my opinion. | ||
| Well, I also feel like when you're the president, the workload must be impossible to imagine before you get in there. | ||
| And then once you get in there, you're dealing with all these pressures, all these super important decisions, and all these different areas, and then some new shit comes up. | ||
| I really think, and I'm not even saying this as critical of, like, I don't like him, I really think He is, and only a few other people can experience this, is truly like holy shit with what this job entails. | ||
| I think so too. | ||
| I think it's really like one of those things where he's like, wow. | ||
| And you can see that he's constantly, like he always refers to the campaign still. | ||
| Always. | ||
| In any conversation, he'll talk about, like, I beat those guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I think that's the part that he enjoyed. | ||
| He enjoyed the competition... | ||
| Good old days. | ||
| ...of the campaign. | ||
| And I think, like... | ||
| And then, you know, he's always bringing up, like, oh, the new... | ||
| But the Dow was setting records for months and months and months. | ||
| But, like, he'll still... | ||
| You know, tweets will be about that or interviews will be about that. | ||
| He can't... | ||
| I think there probably is a connection, though, between the Dow being up and him being in office and people thinking that he's friendly to business. | ||
| I think business markets love it. | ||
| There's definitely no doubt about that. | ||
| But there's also no doubt that unemployment was at record lows and setting records before him. | ||
| And the Dow has been breaking, has been on an upswing for years now. | ||
| Isn't that how it always is? | ||
| Presidents always come in and take advantage of the upward... | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He's not the first guy to fuck with that. | ||
| But the economy does come in these ebbs and flows. | ||
| It does come in ebbs and flows, and the market inevitably, at least in the history of it, always comes back. | ||
| Always comes back. | ||
| Even if you stayed through Black Monday, the market still eventually comes back. | ||
| I'm too stupid to understand that. | ||
| I'm too stupid to get the market. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I mean, I am in the sense that I'm not really interested in pursuing those lines of thought. | ||
| Oh, I get that. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| My brain is just like, yeah, this seems like a pot of shit to me. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| If I tell you something, guys, you're not gonna believe this. | ||
| I don't know anything that'll happen. | ||
| A stock market's strange. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I know some white supremacist or somebody showed up. | ||
| Oh, Charlottesville. | ||
| I don't pay attention to them. | ||
| I had to disconnect myself. | ||
| I don't watch World... | ||
| You call my house... | ||
| Well, let me tell you what happened. | ||
| Let me tell you what happened. | ||
| These guys were doing a J.Crew photo shoot. | ||
| And they finished. | ||
| What happens is that spray that makes everybody gay, that they put on frogs, they're now using at J.Crew. | ||
| Like, you know, like Amber Crombie and Fitch does. | ||
| As you walk in and they hit you with that gay frog spray. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| It makes you get it. | ||
| So a bunch of dudes got crazy, tattooed swastikas on themselves, took their shirts off. | ||
| They're all walking around with citronella candles that they got from a hardware store. | ||
| That was the stupidest part of it all. | ||
| They had torches that they were walking on the street with. | ||
| Come on, you guys are walking around with lawn torches. | ||
| They're pussies. | ||
| They didn't even make the Frankenstein ones. | ||
| Where you get the fucking blanket dipping in fucking gas and run and chase crack and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They use those fucking mosquito repellents and shit. | |
| Listen, dawg, I'll tell you what, this is... | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| I have so many things on my plate, I had to stop. | ||
| And I'm going to tell you something else. | ||
| I had to sit my wife down like a man and tell her that CSNBC was not allowed in the house no more. | ||
| My wife is very political. | ||
| I know how to cut her off. | ||
| Like, I can't have it. | ||
| Too much drama. | ||
| It gets overwhelming. | ||
| I can't have the talk at the table. | ||
| You know, we would go out to dinner and somebody would bring something up and I had to kick her under the table and I feel bad. | ||
| Listen, I don't want to talk about that shit. | ||
| There's no reason to talk about that shit anymore. | ||
| You know how you hear that expression more than you know as a kid where people are like, never bring up Politics or religion. | ||
| Or religion. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And as a kid, you're like, I don't understand why that. | ||
| But this is, I feel like, the age where it becomes the most clear. | ||
| And at the time, where you're like, oh, we can actually probably have a good time if no one talks about these. | ||
| And it always comes out, guys, you can't see four people talk for five minutes about anything without somebody bringing something up political. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| At the end of the week, dog, you still got to get up and go to work. | ||
| You still got to get up with groceries. | ||
| You still got to wipe your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All this knowledge and GOPs and SODs. | ||
| I grew up in Hudson County, New Jersey, which comes in two to Cook County, Illinois. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I learned about politics in a micro. | ||
| What's the smaller one? | ||
| Micro situation. | ||
| And it's a horrible thing. | ||
| I benefited from it. | ||
| I had no-show jobs. | ||
| I had to rip down signs. | ||
| You had no-show jobs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a no-show job at Horace Mann School when I was a kid. | ||
| I would go in there once a week and pick up a check and laugh at the old janitors. | ||
| I never moved a desk. | ||
| My car mine got me the job, got arrested. | ||
| I saw it at a level and it never interested me. | ||
| I was like, these people are fucking pukes. | ||
| They're fucking pukes with suits on. | ||
| You know, before you guys were talking about taxpayer money, I want to see the addendum for the 12 fucking idiots that sit there with suits that are old and white and they sit there and, you know, 12 hours to make a decision. | ||
| That's where our money goes. | ||
| You know, you don't know about bureaucracy. | ||
| Until my mother died. | ||
| That's when I learned about bureaucracy at 15. That's why I don't like it. | ||
| Because my mother died. | ||
| I couldn't even collect Social Security without coming up with 92 sheets of paper. | ||
| That's a fucking Social Security fucking number. | ||
| That's a fucking name. | ||
| And that's when she died. | ||
| And that's a death certificate. | ||
| Give me my fucking money. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| It's another letter and another meeting. | ||
| And you paid your taxes. | ||
| You paid for this. | ||
| This is your fucking hard-earned money. | ||
| That's when you learn that it's all bullshit. | ||
| This is all bullshit. | ||
| In four years, your kid's going to come to you and go, Daddy, or your daughter's going to come to you and go, I want to play basketball. | ||
| You take them down there. | ||
| They charge you $85 to sign up. | ||
| 32 for the shirt, which really is worth $8 on the black market. | ||
| And then you gotta pay the sneakers, which are $100. | ||
| When I was a kid, dog, taxes were low. | ||
| I went to Union City, I told them I want to play basketball. | ||
| They put you on a team, they give you a shirt, and you play it every week for free. | ||
| It didn't cost you anything. | ||
| Look at the fucking... | ||
| I don't even know about taxes or anything, Joe. | ||
| All I know about is when I go buy a plane ticket. | ||
| And I look at those prices and I go, what about the family or two that isn't doing that well? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What about the fucking... | ||
| If I was really tax... | ||
| I have felonies. | ||
| I can't vote. | ||
| So I don't even let that thing go on my mind. | ||
| What about the $50 I got to pay for parking when I go to a UFC event? | ||
| What about the fucking $184 for a fucking Laker ticket? | ||
| Or the $100 for a fucking baseball ticket? | ||
| When does it end? | ||
| That's what I'm concerned about. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about anything else. | ||
| I want them to bomb fucking ISIS now! | ||
| Today! | ||
| But everything else for me applies to the American family. | ||
| That the American family does not stand a chance in this country no more. | ||
| If your wife works and you have to pay daycare, what are you bringing home? | ||
| What are you clearing after daycare? | ||
| Somebody was telling me for summer camp in Studio City, it's 200 a week. | ||
| That's $800 a month for the average person. | ||
| What's the average person making this fucking country, Joe Rogan? | ||
| So your taxes are getting used for shit. | ||
| Our taxes are getting used for shit. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Because they're not going to where they're supposed to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
$800 a month is like, what is that like? | |
| 9,000? | ||
| That's 9,600 a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot of money. | |
| And the girl was telling me that her son has to volunteer and help other kids to get that rate. | ||
| Scrutio City. | ||
| I just was telling them, kindergarten at Monarch is $34,000. | ||
| What? | ||
| In the valley. | ||
| And, you know, don't even mind the other two where Denzel's daughter went to school. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, and by the way, we're talking about all this like it's a big deal. | ||
| If we were living in Manhattan, that would be a goddamn bargain. | ||
| That would be a bargain. | ||
| A bargain. | ||
| A bargain. | ||
| That's what I, when I think about politics, I think about people who are fucking struggling. | ||
| That have two children and they can't go to a Dodger game. | ||
| How many fucking baseball games did you go to as a kid? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I can't tell you how many I went to as a kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But these families cannot afford a Dodger game. | ||
| Bro, I'm a fucking savage. | ||
| My uncle loves baseball. | ||
| He's an old man. | ||
| I would go to Costco and for $50 I get two tickets, two hot dogs, two sodas and a parking spot. | ||
| I don't care about the fucking game. | ||
| I take him. | ||
| He's 74. Once Magic took over the Dodgers, they don't give you that deal no more. | ||
| You know what it seems like? | ||
| It's like if you have a giant population like we do in LA, and something like a Dodger ticket or something, even though it's a giant number of people, it's still a small percentage of this huge population. | ||
| I guess they just realize, anybody who does this realizes, you just jack it up higher, you're going to get a smaller percentage of people, but there's still enough people. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| So they're like, why would we do that? | ||
| Let's just do that. | ||
| Let's just make more. | ||
| And then if you... | ||
| You know how it is when you go to a theater or something like that. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's got to be twice that if there's some sort of a baseball game or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Or one of those huge stadiums. | ||
| Think about all the people that have to get paid. | ||
| All the people that are working there while you're working there. | ||
| Like, just a giant staff of humans that have to keep that thing running smooth. | ||
| Yeah, but what about the American family that flies and wants to get a thing of water that's $4.50 for a bottle of water. | ||
| Do I know how much they charge you? | ||
| I thought the water was for... | ||
| They give you a cup of water. | ||
| A cup of water. | ||
| What if... | ||
| And then when you go through TSA, you can't bring the water through. | ||
| You can't, but if you can buy water on the other side. | ||
| But what if, Joe Rogan, you're just barely getting by, and you have three fucking kids, and it's three dollars of fucking water. | ||
| I mean, that's the shit that has always concerned me. | ||
| The small guy. | ||
| The fucking guy that wants to take... | ||
| The guy that works, he's divorced, he pays child support, he wants to take his kid to a Dodger game. | ||
| And for him to get a ticket, he's got to sit with gangbangers and wear a helmet and a fucking bodyguard fucking suit. | ||
| And you know you can smoke pot in that at Dodger Stadium. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's a little section, supposedly, that you walk to the left and people are sparking over there. | ||
| Is that true, Jamie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let's just pretend it is. | ||
| Make it happen. | ||
| Just do it, man. | ||
| If anybody would let it go, it's L.A. Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's got more tolerance for weed than L.A. Yeah, L.A.'s. | ||
| Did you see that video? | ||
| I don't know where the fuck it happened. | ||
| I think it was on the Instagram feed, Clownin' the Homie. | ||
| I don't know if you know that one. | ||
| They always have some fun stuff up there. | ||
| But there's a big, giant white guy. | ||
| This black cop beats the fuck out of him. | ||
| Tasers him. | ||
| Beats the fuck out of him with a club. | ||
| And then, eventually, they tasered him from behind. | ||
| Another guy got him. | ||
| He fell and banged his head off the ground. | ||
| And the whole time, the guy was saying, like, I am not fighting you. | ||
| I'm not fighting you. | ||
| And they just... | ||
| That job, and I've said it a million times, is not for everybody, and it's one of the most difficult fucking jobs in the world. | ||
| Being a cop? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And what we're seeing when we're seeing, like, that guy that shot that woman in the alley, this guy getting beat up, By this metal pipe. | ||
| The Baltimore cops planting fucking evidence. | ||
| Planting drugs. | ||
| How long you know me, Joe Rogan? | ||
| 20 years. | ||
| I did time. | ||
| Another years of ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| You've heard me say some crazy shit. | ||
| Crazy shit. | ||
| But you've never heard me say the word pig. | ||
| No. | ||
| Never. | ||
|
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Never. | |
| I have the utmost respect for police officers. | ||
| It's a small percentage of people. | ||
| They have a stressful job, but something's going on now. | ||
| It's not just stressful. | ||
| What about two days ago, the nine minutes with the gun to the black couple while he was getting his license, and they kept saying, please put the gun away. | ||
| And the guy held the gun there and shit like that. | ||
| This is happening constantly. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| And then I love when if they shoot a black person, they just get like the black DA to go up there and say, why don't we look? | ||
| This year they beat up that black retarded kid downtown. | ||
| Eight cops to beat up a black retard. | ||
| And then the fucking kid died, and they said it's the fucking black kid's fault. | ||
| He's fucking retarded. | ||
| Eight cops on top of him, beating him. | ||
| But this goes on constantly. | ||
| And you know what's gonna happen, and you fucking know what's gonna happen. | ||
| You know exactly what's gonna fucking happen. | ||
| Two or three years from now, all it takes is three angry black guys. | ||
| Three angry black guys with a surplus to spread the word. | ||
| It was done with the Black Panthers. | ||
| It was done for years. | ||
| Three angry black guys. | ||
| And they're going to fucking start going around in cities and saying there's a fire. | ||
| And when all these cops show up, they're going to be on roofs and they're going to open up on them. | ||
| This is going to happen in American cities. | ||
| It already happened in Dallas. | ||
| It already happened in Dallas this year. | ||
| So don't fucking tell me this is going to happen. | ||
| Three black guys that went to the service, that got weapons, like I told you. | ||
| Unless you're retarded, you can't get weapons today. | ||
| I'll get you whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| I'll get you something in an hour. | ||
| An hour I'll get you something to go fight. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| So never mind assault rifles and shit like that. | ||
| That's all you need is five assault rifles and say that a woman is getting raped at the end of fucking Cherokee Street and wait for 20 cops to come and open up on them, dog. | ||
| All head shots. | ||
| Head shots and leg shots. | ||
| That's gonna happen eventually because this cannot continue. | ||
| This cannot continue. | ||
| I think most people that become cops have a very difficult time doing it. | ||
| I think for some people, it's unmanageable. | ||
| And I think if you think about all the interactions that all the police officers have with all the people all day long, all across the country, The vast majority of it is inconsequential. | ||
| It's people, traffic violations, little things here and there. | ||
| But there's going to be a percentage. | ||
| What is that percentage? | ||
| Is it even 1%? | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| But if that 1% gets online, we focus on that 1%. | ||
| So whether it's that guy planting drugs in Baltimore, or these guys beating up this giant white guy. | ||
| The guy was giant. | ||
| But he wasn't threatening them in any way. | ||
| He just didn't want these guys fucking tanger in him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's just way too few people that are capable of navigating the waters of that kind of job. | ||
| I think that kind of job is almost, it's almost as bad, or as difficult, rather, as being in the military. | ||
| Your life is on the line. | ||
| You're at risk all the time, constantly. | ||
| You know, people will call you a cop-apologist if you looked at it like that. | ||
| Listen, man, if the shit goes down, someone's breaking into your house, you're calling the cops, man. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's what they're here for. | ||
| And to pretend that you don't need them is, you're crazy. | ||
| Okay, maybe someday we won't. | ||
| But right now, you need cops. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| No, you definitely do, man. | ||
| They need each other. | ||
| They need cops, too. | ||
| And they know it. | ||
| And they see it more than you do. | ||
| Because they're the ones who respond to murders and armed robberies and rapes. | ||
| They're the ones who have to show up and handle car accidents on the highway. | ||
| I mean, how much special training do they have? | ||
| Do they get to deal with bodies that are torn apart? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| How much special training? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I'm not sure you could even adequately train a person. | ||
| Some people can handle it, period. | ||
| But there's some people, they see some dark shit and they just don't recover. | ||
| And then you ask those people to just keep pulling people over. | ||
| But I also think that they should train the cops a little more. | ||
| I see a lot of dumb shit in LA. I don't think they have the money. | ||
| I think I agree with you, though. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| I see a lot of dumb shit in LA, bro. | ||
| You know, at times you're on Hollywood Boulevard, bumper to bumper, and you go to see what it is, and it's a Fucking cop, double parked, giving a homeless guy a hard time. | ||
| Pull the cop in you. | ||
| Pull the car in, you fucking scumbag. | ||
| Can't you tell it's four o'clock when there's fucking traffic? | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| You know? | ||
| One day I yelled. | ||
| One day I yelled from the car. | ||
| And they looked at me. | ||
| I yelled. | ||
| Really, guys? | ||
| Eight in the morning? | ||
| Double fucking parked? | ||
| Really? | ||
| No fucking genius here? | ||
| And there's smoke coming out of his mouth while he's screaming. | ||
| Oh, you think I'm fucking kidding you? | ||
| You think I'm fucking kidding you? | ||
| Yeah, I say shit. | ||
| Because it's true. | ||
| Come on, it's common sense. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You want to give me a ticket? | ||
| When we go to court, we'll talk about it. | ||
| And now we all got phones. | ||
| Now we all got fucking phones and videos and the whole fucking deal. | ||
| That's what's very dangerous, is these laws against people filming cops while they're doing shit. | ||
| Like, you can't have that. | ||
| Is that really a law, though? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| There are several places where it is illegal to film cops while they're doing things. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't think it is. | ||
| Federally, it's not? | ||
| I know for sure the police have tried to tell people it's not, but I'm pretty sure... | ||
| Am I spreading fake news? | ||
| I know that they can... | ||
| Let's find out if that's the case. | ||
| Are there places where it's illegal to film the cops? | ||
| I know they can tell you, like if there's a situation going down... | ||
| I felt like I was lying when I said that. | ||
| They can tell you that they need a certain bit of space, but I don't think they can tell you to stop filming. | ||
| Hmm, that's interesting. | ||
| I was on a plane a couple weeks ago to Vegas and there was an altercation. | ||
| And there were these fucking smart kids and the cops kept telling them they had to get off. | ||
| and they were shooting the cops and telling them that it was their right. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Taking photographs and videos of things that are plainly visible in public spaces is a constitutional right, and that includes police and other government officials carrying out their duties. | ||
| However, there is a widespread and continuing pattern of law enforcement officers ordering people to stop taking photographs or video in public places and harassing, detaining, and arresting those who fail to comply. | ||
| The right of citizens to record the police is a critical check and balance. | ||
| It creates an independent record of what took place in a particular incident. | ||
| Okay, well, that's... | ||
| So that seems like maybe what I was reading was about people that got arrested for it. | ||
| So the cops were arresting them for it, but even though it's not really illegal? | ||
| And they can still arrest you for a lot of things, but then you go to court and you figure out the arrest and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| So if a cop arrests you for not listening to him, so say if a cop is arresting someone and you're filming it because he's kicking this guy's ass, and you start filming it and the cop says, if you do not put that camera down, I will arrest you, they can still arrest you. | ||
|
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Yeah, they can say you're obstructing justice or whatever it is. | |
| Right. | ||
| The only reason they would say not to turn the camera off is if he's doing something wrong. | ||
| So I got you there, right there. | ||
| It's like fucking hard to stay on the right path and not go straight Dirty Harry if some guy's trying to kill you and you're involved in some situation and then you see people filming it too. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| I wouldn't want to navigate any of the shit that cops have to go through on a daily basis. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| Me neither, but they also have to... | ||
| They gotta clean it up a little bit. | ||
| And when they do something wrong, and we watch it on film, they can't tell us that the cop was justified to do something. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I mean, there was a lot of shit going on. | ||
| I mean, there was 37 murders in Chicago last weekend, wasn't there? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| 39 shootings, 39 murders. | ||
| Something crazy like that. | ||
| I mean, you know, and those places are high level, but... | ||
| There's a lot of times I've seen cops act a little too much for what the situation caused. | ||
| I grew up in Jersey. | ||
| Where cops come in, they talk to you, they ask you, they separate you, and they determine if this was even worth the fucking angle. | ||
| These guys today, they'll come in, even if we do something at the store, they'll come in the store and investigate them for what? | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| Go fucking chase somebody. | ||
| Go chase a fucking bank robber. | ||
| The day after 9-11, I pulled into fucking 7-11, and a guy had pulled over the line, okay? | ||
| You know, his car pulled over the line, so my car was over the line, the guy next to me, and the whole cars. | ||
| I pulled in. | ||
| I was six inches over a handicap thing on the blue line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cotton made a U-turn and came and gave me a $458 ticket. | ||
|
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Fuck. | |
| I understood I was wrong, but we just blew up the World Trade Center. | ||
|
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You ain't got nothing better to do. | |
| You ain't got nothing better to do. | ||
| You know, I see fucking kinky shit all the fucking time. | ||
| I'm not involved in it, so it's got nothing to do with me. | ||
| Part of the problem with cops is there's a statistic number that they have to reach, right? | ||
| right like if they believe a certain amount of traffic violations taking place in LA there's a strong influence on those guys to write a certain amount of tickets whether you call it a quota anymore because I think those things are shunned they say they don't have a quota but they have something if there's there's some severe they're out there yeah there's some severe incentive and | ||
| And if you don't meet the numbers that they expect, and they in some way, shape, or form think you're not addressing some of the crimes that are being committed out there, I'm sure you get a hard time for it. | ||
| Listen, brother, when I got arrested in 87, that detective, that fucking moron from Boulder, who I liked, you know, he got me for four years and he thought he was fucking, you know, like when they locked up Gotti, the Teflon Don, you know, what are you talking about? | ||
| You could have got me for 22 years if you would have done your homework. | ||
| If that cop would have done it just a little bit, I would have done 22 years. | ||
| You don't know how many times I sat next to him in the preliminary hearing. | ||
| And I'm like, I hope this dude don't recognize me. | ||
| I hope he don't recognize me. | ||
| Because he had come to talk to me about something else. | ||
| The same fucking cop a year earlier. | ||
| And he never put it together. | ||
| And that would have got me more into kidnapping. | ||
| So every time I saw this cop, I would sit there. | ||
| At the end, I would just call him like a big dope. | ||
| Because he was 6'4", with the big chest, with the bulletproof. | ||
| You're a dummy. | ||
|
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You walk around like you fucking know what you're talking about. | |
| You're a dummy. | ||
| It's like that fucking kid a couple weeks ago that pushed that fucking little Mexican hot dog cart. | ||
| You'll never hear from him again. | ||
|
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|
Who? | |
| That little Argentinian dude that pushed that little Mexican dude with the fruit cart. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You watch. | ||
| Lions attacking a monkey, but you haven't seen in LA a couple weeks ago where some poor little Mexican dude was selling hot dogs on the corner and some fucking little... | ||
| He thought he was one of those dudes with the skinny jeans, with a Guns N' Roses shirt. | ||
| Him and his fat, white, ugly fucking girlfriend went up to the dude and told him to move. | ||
| You never saw this? | ||
| They told him to move. | ||
| What's this? | ||
| Oh my God, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Look at this fucking jerk-off. | ||
| Looking with a dog. | ||
| You can tell he's a fucking pussy. | ||
|
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What happened? | |
| Watch. | ||
| He told him to move. | ||
|
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|
It's on, I'm not kidding. | |
| Little spec kid turns on his camera. | ||
|
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|
Why does he want to move it? | |
| Why? | ||
| Because he's a skinny jean guy with that dirty, filthy white animal of a girlfriend. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| So he wants to be a tough guy with his Fidel beard. | ||
| Watch what happens though. | ||
|
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Whoa. | |
| But look what the Mexicans did to him. | ||
|
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He fucking threw that red pepper right in his fucking face. | |
| Look, this is what... | ||
| That's what white people do. | ||
| We'll call him the police. | ||
| That dude had to pick up and move. | ||
| Let me tell you what those... | ||
| You see those carts with the umbrellas? | ||
| Haven't you noticed a lot more of those carts that have the rainbow umbrella Tom Segura? | ||
| I've seen a few. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're the cartel. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Remember years ago when you first moved to LA with Star Maps? | ||
| What's going on here at the rest of it, Jamie? | ||
| The guy takes off his shirt? | ||
| Did they get in a fight after this? | ||
| No, he fucking threw the pepper out of his face. | ||
| The fucking hot pepper. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| The guy just took his shirt off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See? | ||
| Because he threw pepper in his face. | ||
| But he's still hanging out, like, right there. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Because they thought the cops were gonna come. | ||
| People came to help this little Mexican dude. | ||
| But that dude had to leave town with his fat, fucking, disgusting, filthy girlfriend with the tight jeans. | ||
| Because... | ||
| You know who runs those things? | ||
| The cartel. | ||
| That's why you see so many more... | ||
|
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|
What was his... | |
| He just didn't like it there? | ||
| He just didn't want them there, because it's like Silver Lake, and he's special, you know? | ||
| Oh, this isn't Silver Lake? | ||
| He thinks he's a white dude, with his skinny fucking jeans, his little faggy fucking Fidel beard. | ||
| You know what I've noticed, man? | ||
| There's a lot of people that think that it's okay to be aggressive because they're in the right. | ||
| But did you see him? | ||
| He showed up with his dog. | ||
| Anytime they come with their dog, dog, ain't nothing gonna go down. | ||
| That's a pussy. | ||
| That dude was a pussy. | ||
| That poor kid... | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| The cartel brings the coke up in fruit. | ||
| They chop up the fruit, then they sell the fruit. | ||
| They don't make a loss. | ||
| They have these new umbrellas everywhere, and they have them even across the street from each other. | ||
| They don't sell drugs. | ||
| That's where they make the cash drop-offs. | ||
| I've had people see them all the way from San Diego, all the way to fucking Reseda. | ||
| They're all on the main strips, and they're all confused. | ||
| That's why they're around. | ||
| So the DEA don't catch them. | ||
| They don't drop off drugs. | ||
| They just drop off an envelope with a number on it. | ||
| Number A52. That's Joe Rogan's number. | ||
| And then some guy comes that day and picks up all the envelopes and goes right to Encinitas, and that's the end of the day. | ||
| When we first got here, it was Star Maps. | ||
| That turned out to be a Spanish prostitution ring. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| They were fucking those little Mexican kids up the ass. | ||
| They jumped the wall to stretch the muffler out. | ||
| Some white dude could fuck him in the ass on Hollywood Boulevard. | ||
| I gotta pee. | ||
| I'm trying to hold this in. | ||
| I drank too much. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| You didn't know that, Doug? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck no, I didn't know that. | ||
| That Star Maps? | ||
| They even made a movie about it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Called Star Maps. | ||
| It really went out there with the title. | ||
| What's the... | ||
| Wait, they made a movie about it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And this was what you could... | ||
| Look, I'm not... | ||
| Bro. | ||
|
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|
Look at the... | |
| Look at the tagline down there, if you can read it, Tom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Carlos wants to be an actor, but his father, Pepe, wants him to work in the family business, that is, male prostitution. | ||
| Carlos decides that he will be one of his father's boys until he can. | ||
| What in the fuck, man? | ||
|
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|
Yeah, it's called Star Maps. | |
| I had no idea. | ||
| 1997. That's so nuts. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| That's for people that don't know. | ||
| That's the people that sold maps to celebrity homes, right? | ||
| That was the whole idea. | ||
| They would be on Sunset. | ||
| When I first got here in 98, there was a thousand of those mooks on Sunset. | ||
|
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|
Fucking... | |
| You know. | ||
| Yeah, in Hollywood, right? | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| They're still out there. | ||
| They still are, but just Les Hoenn is involved with that? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| I don't see the star... | ||
| I see the star vans. | ||
| I don't see the star maps. | ||
| I don't see the fucking... | ||
| I feel so much better. | ||
|
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|
I was holding that one in. | |
| Crazy, man. | ||
| It's fucking craziness. | ||
| And it goes fast. | ||
| It's fucking craziness. | ||
| What are you going to do with our lives? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| What are you going to do with our lives? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Where does it all go, man? | ||
| A thousand podcasts. | ||
| It's changed fucking society. | ||
|
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|
It's changed us. | |
| It's changed us. | ||
| It's changed us, for sure. | ||
| You tap into all the people. | ||
| Think of all the people you've had on the conversations you've had with those people. | ||
| How much of that would you ever have if it wasn't for doing your podcast? | ||
| You know, it changes you. | ||
| It changes the way you think of things. | ||
| It changes me, for sure. | ||
| It changed a lot of the way I think of things, because getting a chance to sit down with people for hours and hours, uninterrupted. | ||
| No phone calls, no messages, no text messages. | ||
| And to be able to do that on a regular basis, you get to know people in a way different way. | ||
| You don't really get a chance to do that with each other that often. | ||
| To sit down and just have no distractions. | ||
| Just you and a friend having a conversation, laughing, talking shit about things. | ||
| Well, the cool thing is that's the experience people are getting listening to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why, you know. | ||
| How many times have we been on the road and we went to a diner afterwards and we were laughing literally until we were in tears, like falling down. | ||
| We were doing podcasts. | ||
| It was just nobody listening. | ||
| Totally true. | ||
| Crying and laughing. | ||
| You know, like the three of us at some fucking strange Nashville diner somewhere. | ||
| It totally is what happened today. | ||
| It's the same thing, man. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Same amount of booze. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| No, it's so cool to replicate. | ||
| Anything left in that joint over there? | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely. | ||
| We got more. | ||
| Reefer up in this bitch. | ||
| Reefer madness. | ||
| I brought another joint. | ||
| We'll have another one. | ||
| Shout out to L.A. Speedweed. | ||
| My man, Gino. | ||
| Gino's a man. | ||
| Keeping it strong. | ||
| Keeping it strong out here. | ||
|
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|
Here we go. | |
| You know what they gotta do, though? | ||
| They gotta be careful with these fucking things. | ||
| They give you these. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It's made out of actual glass. | ||
| The thing that the weed comes in, it breaks in your pocket. | ||
| Oh, that's not good. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good. | ||
| This one is superior. | ||
| It's like when you go to a bathroom at a hotel, and they give you glasses in there. | ||
| There's two glasses by the sink. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Those pretentious weed guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Well, it's clearly an indica. | ||
| Probably a South American strain. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I micro-dosed the other night. | ||
|
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|
Actually, it might be B.C. It might be B.C. Yeah, so I'm pretty sure. | |
| Pretty sure it's, like, maybe Seattle. | ||
|
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|
Maybe Seattle. | |
| You just know it's Northwest, man. | ||
|
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|
It's Northwest. | |
| It's, like, basically the good stuff. | ||
| Joey motherfucking Diaz. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| I forgot there's a show tonight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're gonna forget a lot of shit along the way, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like it's 7 p.m. | ||
|
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|
right now. | |
| We talked about some shit earlier that was the funniest shit I ever said in my life. | ||
| But if anybody asked me, like, how was the podcast today? | ||
| I would go, oh, dude, Joey Diaz went on a rant. | ||
| It was the funniest fucking thing I ever heard in my life. | ||
| Then he'd go, what is it about? | ||
| I'd go... | ||
| Couldn't tell you. | ||
| I also couldn't tell you what the last thing we talked about is. | ||
| Whatever that was. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| It's not that important. | ||
| It's not that important. | ||
| These things change us, man. | ||
| I know your podcast is changing you, Joey. | ||
| It's connecting you with those people that like to come out to see you in a way that nothing else has ever had before, you know? | ||
| No, the biggest thing about the podcast is it keeps me in check. | ||
| It keeps us in check. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| We gotta stick to what we say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We gotta preach what we talk about. | ||
| You know, it keeps us in check, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no more. | ||
| We got somebody watching this now that, you know, so it's pretty fucking interesting to me. | ||
| It does keep in check, but it's ultimately satisfying to you to just stay in check. | ||
| Think about what you're doing. | ||
| Say things that are as accurate as you possibly know. | ||
| Be honest about how you're thinking about these things, like where you're drawing your conclusions from. | ||
| People don't have a chance to do that that often. | ||
| They don't have to be accountable for their own thoughts. | ||
| Not to the level of like... | ||
| Someone who is hosting a podcast or someone who's constantly being reviewed by people. | ||
| People do hold you accountable too. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They do. | ||
| And that's what I like about it. | ||
| They should. | ||
| If I get to do a periscope in the morning and I tell people I'm going to go to jiu-jitsu today, I get 20 tweets that night. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| What did you learn? | ||
| If I go, I didn't go because, ah, you fucking pussy. | ||
| This to you guys one more time. | ||
| Hey, wait a minute. | ||
| Let me get a little more. | ||
| Listen, bro. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| The doctor told my mother to stop drinking. | ||
| She stopped drinking and 11 days later she was dead. | ||
| That's why I believe you always gotta have a shot of something, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| I'm not talking about fucking drinking a bottle at night. | ||
| I'm not a big believer in anecdotal evidence unless it benefits me. | ||
| So, in that case, I'll go with that one. | ||
| One, two, two notes ain't gonna kill nobody. | ||
| You were saying, doctors say, do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Suka, let me eat. | |
| Suka, let me eat When you drink these things, like to us, it's nothing. | ||
| I love the white dudes. | ||
| I love crazy white people. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Like, I don't like these nice white people. | ||
| I love all your criticisms of white people. | ||
| But what about Charlottesville kind of crazy white people? | ||
| Like, where do you draw the line? | ||
| I like white people who bring a bottle of bourbon, but the most important thing is they bring a bag of ice. | ||
| Because they don't want you fucking with the ice, okay? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| When a white dude shows up with a bag of ice, that's a man of class, style, and sophistication. | ||
| That's the best when they go, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Don't put it in the freezer. | ||
| Leave it right there. | ||
| That means they drop one ice cube in there every 20 minutes and they got a time. | ||
| That's the whole thing, is the fucking ice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I totally agree, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love the ice. | |
| If you go over a dude's house and he's got a walk-in humidor filled with cigars, do you go, huh? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing, man? | ||
| What are you doing with your time? | ||
| You got a walk-in humidor? | ||
| I feel like age matches up with cigars in a way that few things do. | ||
| Like, an old dude with a cigar is like, I want to hang out with him, I want to have a drink, I want to hear what he has to say. | ||
| But like a 22-year-old with a cigar, I'm like, get the fuck out of here, you douchebag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a fedora and a cigar when you're 22. There's a certain age where you're like, fuck. | |
| White t-shirt with a leather vest. | ||
| You know who's cool smoking a cigar? | ||
| Tony Soprano. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| When you go, and he turn it over, you're like, I need a fucking cigar. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| I bet James Gandolfini really enjoyed smoking a cigar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think you're right. | |
| So he's like actually enjoying the cigar while he's acting like he's enjoying the cigar. | ||
| I never enjoyed it, Joe Rogan. | ||
| He was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| I never enjoyed the cigar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was so good. | |
| You want me to tell you something? | ||
| That's the first guy I could say that I thought a couple weeks ago I went back to my hotel room. | ||
| The fucking original getaway was on with Steve McQueen, and I forgot, bro. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| You forget, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Look, I get tears in my eyes. | ||
| He's in the dumpster with that bitch after the thing tripped him over, and she's fucking telling them all. | ||
| He's like, whoa, we should just break waves, and she's like, whoa. | ||
| Obviously, you can't get over me having sex with somebody else or you're a mental midget. | ||
| And Steve McQueen, bro, he just grabbed her by the hand. | ||
| And then he goes back to the hotel and he shoots all those fucking rednecks. | ||
| Oh, we forget how bad Steve McQueen was. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at this fucking man of a man that he was. | ||
| There's my man, Salazzo from The Godfather. | ||
| Watch Steve McQueen with a fucking suit on. | ||
| This is 1973, dawg. | ||
| He's so smooth. | ||
| This is not the scene you gotta put on. | ||
| The scene is when he beats up Ally McGraw. | ||
| And she thought it was acting. | ||
| And he just pretty much smacked the shit out of her. | ||
| She didn't know. | ||
| But he would smack the shit out of her every other day for some reason or another. | ||
| He was like John Lynch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watch that scene, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why's that funny, Tom? | |
| That's so fucked up. | ||
| It's so funny to hear the way Joey talks about it. | ||
| I don't believe in violence towards women. | ||
| But if I was married to Yoko Ono, you know you gotta kick her once a day. | ||
| Somewhere in the back. | ||
| In the stomach. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, you dirty bitch. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Now look at how beautiful this woman was. | ||
| Number one, look at the natural beauty on this fucking woman. | ||
| And look at this blonde savage of a man. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's fucking over it. | ||
| So Steve McQueen gets out of the car and he just starts walking in front of the car. | ||
| Does he smack her after this? | ||
| Watch! | ||
| He has a little faggy head, dude. | ||
| Beautiful hair. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Look at him with his black suit on. | ||
| He's furious. | ||
| Fine hair. | ||
| I'd wear my hair like that. | ||
| Yes, I would. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| My hair's starting to fall. | ||
| I gotta put grazy glue. | ||
| I figured out. | ||
| You don't want to lose your ample crazy glue in the morning. | ||
| It won't go nowhere. | ||
| She's getting out of the car. | ||
| She looks upset. | ||
| Very emotional. | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| 72. I was nine and I went to see this the first weekend. | ||
| My mother goes, what'd you go see? | ||
| Steve McQueen. | ||
| Are you fucking crazy? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude, he's hitting there for real. | |
| She didn't know she was gonna get hit. | ||
| She didn't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Fuck, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There wasn't any way to explain it. | |
| Jesus, man. | ||
| Yeah, when was the last time you saw this? | ||
| You gotta see this shit. | ||
| And if you really want to see her beaten, you gotta put on The Longest Yard with Burt Reynolds in the beginning when he grabs her by the throat and hits her with a bottle or something. | ||
| This is... | ||
| Burt Reynolds... | ||
| Remember, we watched it here! | ||
| But this is fucked up because, like, you know he's really hitting her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you told me he was gonna smack her a few times. | |
| It's like when Sean Penn did that close range with whatever and he kept shooting the gun and finally Sean Penn goes, give me the gun because you're not reacting the right way. | ||
| You're not being scared. | ||
| So he shot a real gun at Christopher Walken. | ||
| Christopher Walken talks about it all the time. | ||
| Look at this fucking savage. | ||
| Go Knolls. | ||
| Get off of me! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's how the movie opens and shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's amazing what 40 years has done. | ||
| Yeah, people used to beat people up. | ||
| And look at how beautiful she was. | ||
| This woman's beautiful. | ||
| You would never see anything like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where the hell do you think you're going? | |
| I'm splitting. | ||
| I'm splitting, man. | ||
| Look at his body, though. | ||
| This guy was not juicing. | ||
| This guy was just fucking nuts. | ||
| You all-American son of a bitch. | ||
| This is like a soap opera from Mexico. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| This is a fucking soap opera from Mexico, bro. | ||
| Totally is. | ||
| This is totally! | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| So remember in the 70s, everybody had booze on TV. Everybody, look at that. | ||
| Everybody's house had booze. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vete a la mierda. | |
| Me soy Burt Reynolds. | ||
| Callate ya. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Whoa So hostile Oh my god, she bit him. | ||
| Oh, she threw some shit at him. | ||
| This is a Mexican soap opera, son. | ||
| Here she comes. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| This is the 70s. | ||
| A fake slap to the face. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That was a real throw to the ground. | ||
| That was a real throw. | ||
| That throw to the ground seems super real. | ||
| That would hurt your hip. | ||
| That's a hard floor. | ||
| Didn't even give her a cushion, man. | ||
| Like, look at what's going on there. | ||
| There was an actress that didn't even give her a cushion. | ||
| Would you let Burt Reynolds throw you to the ground? | ||
| No, fuck no. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not that year. | ||
| Dude, getting thrown to the ground hurts. | ||
| That shit hurts. | ||
| Like, she just ricocheted off the ground. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That wasn't a stunt person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you jerk off to this stuff? | ||
| What's the matter with you? | ||
| Weird question. | ||
| Now, dog, he gets into his car. | ||
| Super weird. | ||
| He starts it up, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Joe Rogan, you ready for this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He gets in his fucking whatever, Lamborghini. | ||
| He starts it up. | ||
| And all of a sudden, you hear... | ||
| Saturday night. | ||
| Fucking let it skin it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He showed me this. | |
| That's all I remember. | ||
| Play that part. | ||
| Play that part, Jeremy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| As soon as that, he gets in his car, starts the car, and that's what's on the rate. | ||
| Look at what. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Burt Reynolds. | ||
| V8. Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you knew you were at the right movie. | |
| Like a black-eyed dude. | ||
| Look at that shitbox. | ||
| That's a Maserati? | ||
| It's like an Avanti or something. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Whoa, the cops. | ||
| She called the cops. | ||
| Unlock the door. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That car is so fast. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Meanwhile, that car handles like total dog shit. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I don't know, but I mean, those cars back then, even the best ones handled like shit. | ||
| That thing has skinny tires, a fucking caveman suspension. | ||
| I mean, it probably did drive a lot better than those police cars, though. | ||
| Police cars are like the worst cars you could drive if you're trying to catch somebody. | ||
| They have four doors. | ||
| You want a car that has two doors. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Sports car, it's got a good balance and something to go around corners quick with. | ||
| You know, like, race cars aren't big, long four doors. | ||
| That's a lot of extra weight. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Yeah, having like a police car, like, but today, they have police cars today. | ||
| They're like, they can make like Mustangs. | ||
| They turn them into police cars. | ||
| Yeah, and Dodge Chargers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| There's some scary cars today when it comes to like a car pulling you over. | ||
| Like if the cops have that new Dodge Demon. | ||
| Have you seen that thing? | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking nuts. | ||
| 800 horsepower. | ||
| Zero to 60 in like two seconds. | ||
| Really fucking crazy. | ||
| That shit's so stupid. | ||
| I love that they make shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it too. | |
| It doesn't work if it's colder than 15 degrees out. | ||
| Dubai has the world's fastest police car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a Bugatti. | |
| They have a Bugatti. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dubai ballin'. | ||
| They're ballin' so strong. | ||
| So ballin'. | ||
| They're ballin' so strong. | ||
| I mean, if you just respect ballin', forget about cultural differences, you gotta respect their ballin'. | ||
| Oh, Dubai does it up, man. | ||
| If you do it up even a little bit, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Stop making excuses. | ||
| They ball harder than anybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have an indoor ski place that you could have in the desert. | ||
| Did you have a fight there? | ||
| Was there a fight there? | ||
| No, but there was a fight in Abu Dhabi and we did the weigh-ins in Dubai. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| It was weird, man. | ||
| There's so much money there. | ||
| That was Anderson against Damien Maier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Frankie Edgar versus BJ Penn, too. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that was there, too. | ||
| Like a few dudes that really have crazy, crazy money. | ||
| I think it's off the charts. | ||
| I don't think we even understand oil money. | ||
| What we make, we think we're doing good. | ||
| It's like many generations of having that kind of cash. | ||
| It's a different level of cash. | ||
| Family wealth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It gets passed down. | ||
| That's where the Giedis is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Old white money. | ||
| They ain't no stronger gang than that, Jack. | ||
| They have interior surf places, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where you can go surfing. | ||
| It's nuts, man. | ||
| You run a surfboard indoors. | ||
| Is that where the government will give citizens money that just want to do anything? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| In Dubai? | ||
| I thought so. | ||
| Maybe I have it wrong, but my cousin came here to study English, like from Peru. | ||
| So he had a class with a bunch of people from different countries. | ||
| And I thought he said, this classmate from Dubai would be like, everybody want to go out on Saturday? | ||
| Like, it's all good. | ||
| And would pick people up and like... | ||
| You know, limo buses. | ||
| And he's like, wait, who's paying for this? | ||
| And he's like, oh, I got it. | ||
| It ain't shit. | ||
| Like, don't worry about it. | ||
| And then was telling them, like, he was like, you're just going to pay for this? | ||
| He's like, look, it's just given to me, man. | ||
| I got to spend all this shit. | ||
| I don't even know what to do. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And just buying everybody drinks, food, going to Vegas, like 15 people he's just in class with. | ||
| Yeah, nobody balls harder than them. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty out of control. | ||
| Everywhere you go, there's Ferraris, Bentleys, Lamborghinis. | ||
| There's, like, ridiculous... | ||
| There's cars that I feel like it would be ridiculous to show up. | ||
| Well, how about one of those Bentleys that they have, or one of those Bugattis, rather, that they have as a police car? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's insanity. | ||
| Isn't that, like, two and a half million bucks? | ||
| Yeah, so much money. | ||
| I think Flugmether has, like, six. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| He has so many. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| His spending habits are hilarious. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's got like a whole fleet just in white. | ||
| He's like, white is right. | ||
| I got a bunch of... | ||
| He's got other colors too, though, man. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| He's got a gang of cars. | ||
| So when did he owe that money to the IRS, why don't you just give him a few cars? | ||
| Because he went so deep, so creative. | ||
| How much does he owe? | ||
| Well, it's more than you want to pay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's in the 20 plus million dollar range. | ||
| It's a lot of money, man. | ||
| But it's not something that he's been, it's not like deception. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's just neglect to pay. | ||
| It's neglect. | ||
| And it's also like, I think, and there is like a truth to this. | ||
| He makes so much money, there's probably a point when they're like, hey, it's time to pay your taxes. | ||
| And you go like, alright, here's a check for 25 million dollars. | ||
| That's an incredible amount of money. | ||
| And then they go, that's true, but you owe 50 more. | ||
| And he's just like, that can't be right. | ||
| You know it was not good? | ||
| I've given you $25 million. | ||
| Yeah, like, what? | ||
| Yeah, like, what are you talking about, man? | ||
| He's bought over 100 luxury cars from the same dealer and always pays in cash. | ||
| Hilarious! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it! | |
| Yeah, he has $15 million worth of cars. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| But he doesn't drive. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Good. | ||
| You can sell those. | ||
| They're worth a lot of money. | ||
| You can get that money, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it's just... | ||
| He's really interesting in the amount of money that he's able to generate. | ||
| You know, he's figured out some pretty incredible shit. | ||
| He's a great villain, too, man. | ||
| Oh, he's brilliant at it. | ||
| And he's just a brilliant defensive boxer. | ||
| Oh, skill-wise, off the charts. | ||
| But I'm saying that guy should get more credit for what he does as a skilled Businessman and psychological, you know, warrior. | ||
| Like, he should get a lot more credit for it. | ||
| Yeah, I think so, too. | ||
| I think it's arguable that, you know, he's enjoying it, and he enjoys playing the villain role, and enjoys, like, flashing all the money. | ||
| And if he is really enjoying it, like, don't you love that and respect that about him? | ||
| Look at that fucking thing. | ||
| What is that car? | ||
| That thing looks amazing. | ||
| That's my new $4.8 million car. | ||
| $4.8 million? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| A CCXR? Is that a Koenigsegg? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Koenigsegg? | ||
| That's a word that I've never said. | ||
| I can't say it. | ||
| I love that he starts his post with the amount, like to remind people. | ||
| Not my new car. | ||
| Yeah, my new $4.8 million car. | ||
| How do you think you say that? | ||
| Koenigsegg? | ||
| Jesus Christ, Koenigsegg. | ||
| CCXR Trevita. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| That's a ridiculous name. | ||
| Yeah, it's beautiful. | ||
| Changed your name. | ||
| That car's dope. | ||
| You're working next time, correct, sir? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| So you're working during this fight. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I'm in D.C. Well, both are working during this fight. | ||
| You working? | ||
| I had it already. | ||
| No. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I already booked way in advance. | ||
| Now it's my dad's birthday. | ||
| I'm going to the big... | ||
| Birthday celebration. | ||
| Are you going to try to avoid finding out what happened and then watching it? | ||
| No, it depends, man. | ||
| We haven't... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm going to gauge also his interest in it, you know? | ||
| I always try to get home before I find out anything or watch it before I find out anything, and I always fail to do so. | ||
| You always... | ||
| I cannot give any temptation. | ||
| What if I know what happened? | ||
| What if I know? | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| I go online. | ||
| Let me check real quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Am I worthwhile? | ||
| What if they tell me it's a five-round boring decision? | ||
| You know, of a title fight. | ||
| And this one's going to be 12 rounds of boxing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's going to be... | ||
| It's an exciting event. | ||
| It's one of those, like, you'll remember, like, the excitement to tune in. | ||
| So I think we're going to want to watch it, you know? | ||
| Conor McGregor is a magic person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, legitimately. | ||
| Like, to get this many people so hyped up about this fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not just about his performances, his fights. | ||
| It's also about, like, wanting to believe that there's a dude who can pull it all off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like a magic person. | ||
| Do you feel like in the lead up to the fight, like as we get closer, your opinion on it has changed at all? | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm a sucker for a good hype job, dude. | ||
| That's why I'm a good hype man. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm a sucker for believing all that stupid shit. | ||
| I thought Jerry Cooney had a chance against Larry Holmes when I was in high school. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw Jerry Cooney knock out Ken Norton and I was like, he might not have a chance. | ||
| I'm like, Larry Holmes is good. | ||
| Who was the other white dude that was the great white hope that I think fought Larry Holmes in 82 and he wouldn't make eye contact? | ||
| No, not Shavala. | ||
|
unidentified
|
June of 82. In 82. Oh, Galata. | |
| Was it Galata? | ||
| Is that what you're talking about? | ||
| No, Andrew Galata. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No, Jerry Cooney's the guy that... | ||
| Is that the guy you're thinking of? | ||
| Is that the guy I was talking about? | ||
| Not the guy that fought him. | ||
| Oh, okay, yeah. | ||
| Jerry Cooney. | ||
| Yeah, that's the guy I was talking about. | ||
| Good-looking white dude? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was in high school, I thought Jerry Cooney was going to win. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Who's the white dude from Bayonne that fought? | ||
| Oh, the Bayonne Bleeder. | ||
| Yeah, Chuck Wepner. | ||
| He's the guy that they based the movie Rocky on. | ||
| Because they didn't expect him to survive. | ||
| And he kept surviving. | ||
| He kept moving forward. | ||
| And Chuck Wepner was the guy, I think, that was one of the inspirations for the movie Rocky. | ||
| Because that guy just kept plotting forward, and Muhammad Ali beat the shit out of him, but I don't think he stopped him. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that cracker's face, man. | ||
| Yeah, dude, he got dropped there. | ||
| Look at that, man. | ||
| Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was so magic, man. | ||
| What he could do as far as, like, movement, his ability to, like, move in and out, slide around, a lot of people thought he was doomed when he was gonna fight Sonny Liston. | ||
| Like, there is no fucking way. | ||
| This kid is in so much trouble. | ||
| All he can do is box around and move and move fast, but Sonny Liston is a murderer. | ||
| Murderous puncher. | ||
| He beat the fuck out of Floyd Patterson. | ||
| The way he would beat those guys, he'd be like, oh Jesus, nobody can stand in front of him. | ||
| Very Rumble Johnson-esque. | ||
| Maybe even more so in his power. | ||
| Mama Ali was like, bitch, that is not taking place today! | ||
| It sucks about not living through an era, is you can never fully appreciate it as much as you want to. | ||
| I already know, I've had enough lessons about Ali, but you're like, oh man, I really wish I would have lived through it. | ||
| I already see it now, I became conscious of it now because of basketball. | ||
| Because people are always, always doing this Jordan or LeBron This is the first time I realized there's people arguing who weren't alive during that Jordan craziness. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now. | ||
| You have no idea what that was. | ||
| You can pull up any statistic you want. | ||
| But you don't feel that. | ||
| Yeah, and you didn't watch that dude become a fucking savage, like a goddamn Spanish conquistador in fucking the NBA where you could not believe what a killer he was. | ||
| You've never seen that level of competitiveness. | ||
| And how that dude could dominate, we've never seen. | ||
| But there's people I realize who are like, oh no, I've seen highlights. | ||
| And I'm like, no, you don't get it. | ||
| You don't get how dominant He was. | ||
| Jordan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jordan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you saw Jordan dominant, it was the craziest thing ever. | |
| The first time I saw Jordan fly from the foul line through the air and slam dunk a ball, I remember thinking, how... | ||
| How does a person even do that with their body? | ||
| He literally flew through the air and slam dunked this ball. | ||
| And I'm not exaggerating where it was like basically where the foul line was. | ||
| He fucking went flying. | ||
| He took like an extra step. | ||
| Can you do me a favor, Joe Ruben? | ||
| One favor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can you put on the top ten dunks by Julius Erving? | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| Just one second. | ||
| Let's do that and then we'll go to Jordan. | ||
| Well, that'll break it down because before LeBron, there was Jordan. | ||
| But before Jordan, there was a guy from Long Island named Julius Erving. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And he used to kill one team. | ||
| The best dunks of all time were done by him against the Lakers. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| This is a regular one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, this is nothing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| This is against, watch this one, one-handed. | ||
| That's just superb. | ||
| That's superb. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| In. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| Over a guy seven foot four. | ||
| And he's six foot six. | ||
| He is against, look at this. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| My favorite was Daryl Dawkins. | ||
| Oh, breaking backboards. | ||
| Because he would destroy the backboards. | ||
| Watch this one here, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Game over, hooker. | ||
| Bro, I used to snort coke with Daryl Dawkins. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He used to snort coke from the top of the refrigerator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Put this back. | ||
| Put this back. | ||
| Run this back, dog. | ||
| He was gonna call my podcast, but he died three weeks later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Three weeks before. | ||
| It was a dream. | ||
| I went to a psychic. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He did. | ||
| That's against Bill Walton. | ||
| Look at this one. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Against fucking... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Watch this one. | ||
| This is against this guy. | ||
| Watch these two. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The elevation, man. | |
| The problem is that's what everybody wants to see. | ||
| You don't want to see all the shit leading up to that. | ||
| It's like when I watched the Hulk. | ||
| This was tremendous. | ||
| Like, hurry up and get mad. | ||
| Look at him against Bill Walton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| And Bill Walton kept calling for a foul. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Bill Walton, all his shit. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look a bitch. | ||
| You're gonna beat us. | ||
| But I'm slamming right in your fucking face. | ||
| See? | ||
| Bill Walton was calling for a foul. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I feel like if you have a dishonorable claim and a foul, if you're doing something like those soccer players do sometimes, that's amazing. | ||
| Look at this one. | ||
| You should lose points for that. | ||
| Look at this one, Joe Rogan. | ||
| This is the one I bet. | ||
| I won. | ||
| I had the Sixers in Philly. | ||
| Look at him! | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Against Michael Cooper and shit! | ||
| Can you imagine being there? | ||
| I was there! | ||
| They gave us a couple of free hamburgers! | ||
| I was down there! | ||
| Look at him fly! | ||
| Look at him! | ||
| They were getting a point at Philadelphia! | ||
| How could I not bet that game? | ||
| Okay, now go to 10 greatest Michael Jordan dunks. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And prepare yourself. | ||
| For a fucking Avatar movie. | ||
| Get on the toilet. | ||
| Get on the toilet right now. | ||
| When I was a kid, my friend was the ball boy for the Nets. | ||
| And you find that a lot about basketball players. | ||
| First of all, do you know basketball players throw away their sneakers after every game? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| A lot of them do. | ||
| So he would take the sneakers and sell them. | ||
| Before eBay, he would take the Nets' sneakers and sell them. | ||
| Look at this crazy shit. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That looked like somebody pressed controls and then a body did that. | ||
| He has some spectacular airtime. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| He just flies in there, man. | ||
| I wonder what's, like, the record distance. | ||
| I know I said from the free throw line, but what's, like, the record distance that someone's ever dunked from? | ||
| You know who's way crazier of a dunker, though? | ||
| 18 feet. | ||
| It's 15 from the free throw, and it's 18 from the top of the key. | ||
| Someone dunked from there? | ||
| Maybe 20. Julius Irving. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| All the time in the things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Now, David Thompson, he's shaking his head. | ||
| Jamie's saying no bueno. | ||
| The free throw line is about as far as anyone's done. | ||
| The free throw line. | ||
| Maybe the free throw line. | ||
| That's what I was thinking. | ||
| Maybe 15 feet. | ||
| That's still insane. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this shit. | |
| Someone by now has done like a foot or two behind it. | ||
| Now, have you ever seen Vince Carter's dunks? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because that dude is 40. Let's enjoy these first. | |
| Yeah, these are amazing. | ||
| We'll go to Vince Carter, but let's enjoy these for a moment, because these are spectacular. | ||
| Jordan was just from another planet. | ||
| It's a beautiful thing. | ||
| There's a lot of times, Tom Segura, I'm watching 30 for 30, and I want to call Joe Rogan and call him, because I know he's not that sport, like the one about Detroit, when they beat him up really bad, and he decided to lift weights. | ||
| Trying to get on that Mexican supplement, son. | ||
| Yeah, he said, this ain't ever going to happen again. | ||
| Look at this dunk, man. | ||
| I see how jacked he was when he was like done. | ||
| But Joe Rogan. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's way more jacked. | ||
| Look at the way he held it back. | ||
| Yeah, because he went and got on. | ||
| He lifted against the Detroit Pistons. | ||
| But Joe Rogan, as a basketball enthusiast, and I'll call Don Moreira, there's only one, the greatest dunk of all time. | ||
| And because he jumped over a motherfucker. | ||
| Who did that? | ||
| Vince Carter. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Clyde Drexler against Louisville, 1981. Put it on for Joe Robert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clyde Drexler against Louisville, 1981. The Wizards are dunk. | |
| And Houston was called Five Slammer Jammer because that's all they did was dunk. | ||
| There's a few athletes that I feel like, even from our era, you could bring to today and they would be super successful. | ||
| like Marvin Hagler is one of them. | ||
| I feel like if you could take... | ||
| Jumps over the guy. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Boom. | ||
| No, that's not the one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not the one. | |
| That's the one that Sean... | ||
| That's not the one. | ||
| There's a few athletes that I think you could take today and they would be super successful. | ||
| Like, for sure Julius Irving, for sure Michael Jordan, for sure. | ||
| For sure Magic Johnson, for sure. | ||
| You know, no matter what. | ||
| Like, you bring them into this era, they'll be successful in almost any era. | ||
| I'll never forget, I was at a bar one night. | ||
| Put up Vince Carter, dude. | ||
| I was at a bar one night, and there was a Cuban dude, and he was... | ||
| Passed out like this, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Can you find the video, Joey, of the dude that he jumped over the dude? | ||
| I've never seen it. | ||
| It doesn't look like this. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's this? | |
| This is Vince Carter. | ||
| That guy's like 7'2". | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| Yeah, he's 7 feet tall. | ||
| Oh my God, that's amazing. | ||
| He rubbed his nuts on that dude's head. | ||
| Watch that again. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| He rubbed his nuts on that dude's head. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's incredible. | ||
| He went over that dude's head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This dude still dunks like this and he's 40. That's insane. | |
| That's an athlete. | ||
| When we were in high school, he was in high school for a minute close to us. | ||
| Oh my god, he jumped over that guy. | ||
| They would show his high school highlights on local news. | ||
| They would cover it like an NBA game. | ||
| Dude, look at how he's rubbing his dick on that guy's ear. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| He's fucking him. | ||
| He's fucking his fucking face right now. | ||
| He's mind-fucking him directly through the ear. | ||
| And then slams that. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr. was like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr. in his prime had some athleticism that didn't even make sense. | ||
| He was able to land a lead left hook instead of a jab, where a lot of guys shot in a jab. | ||
| Roy Jones Jr., he, like, most of the time led with a lead left hook. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That guy can fly. | ||
| He dunked his elbow in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Arm and rim dunk. | ||
| That's the arm and rim dunk, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It's much more difficult in the regular time. | ||
| I think about... | ||
| You've got to worry about breaking your arm. | ||
| David Thompson had a 48 jump vertical inch. | ||
| I think about that. | ||
| That was 30 years ago. | ||
| I can't imagine what kind of vertical jumps. | ||
| College players, they had to be up to 60, 55 inches. | ||
| Those defensive backs, Michael Irvin, Michael Irvin could jump four feet in the air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how he became Michael Irvin. | ||
| One hand. | ||
| He's a freak for sure. | ||
| The Giants with the blonde hair now. | ||
| Oh, Odell Beckham, yeah. | ||
| I see him at Jay Glazer's place. | ||
| He ain't no bigger than you, dog. | ||
| Odell Beckham is not that much bigger than you. | ||
| Jay Glazer's got a hell of a gym, huh? | ||
| I saw Stallone was working out there with Chuck Liddell. | ||
| I was like, what kind of crazy gym do you have? | ||
| You've got to see that part. | ||
| Football players, MMA fighters. | ||
| All day long training them. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| Something Optimum Performance? | ||
| Unbreakable. | ||
| Unbreakable? | ||
| Unbreakable. | ||
| The owner is... | ||
| It's a good move, man. | ||
| Good move on his part. | ||
| He loves working out. | ||
| That's a smart move, you know? | ||
| Be a part of some sort of a cool strength and conditioning. | ||
| Wow, look at that jump. | ||
| Yeah, dog! | ||
| This is a new brand. | ||
| Catch with one hand. | ||
| Well, athletes are always getting better, right? | ||
| If you go back to baseball from the 1950s and then go to baseball in 2017, you're seeing better and better athletes. | ||
| You're seeing people that are just faster, smarter, train better, you know, use better nutrition. | ||
| They're optimizing themselves the best they can. | ||
| The question is like, I wonder like genetically what's happening. | ||
| I wonder if like people genetically are getting bigger and faster. | ||
| I wonder if it's like a little slight uptick that will one day, maybe 20 years from now, 30 years from now, register in a big way. | ||
| Because you've got to wonder, with all these people competing in CrossFit and all this strength and conditioning stuff, people's bodies might start literally thinking they have to work harder again. | ||
| They have to get stronger and bigger again. | ||
| People might get bigger. | ||
| This is my... | ||
| Terrible understanding of genetics as applied to... | ||
| I'm sold on it. | ||
| Just on that alone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I spit in the cup, dog. | |
| I'm waiting. | ||
| I got another three weeks. | ||
| I spit in the cup to see who I'm related to. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| The DNA test. | ||
| Ancestry.com? | ||
| Do you see that thing about all those white racists that found out they had black people in their past? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And then they try to discredit the test. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| I'm doing it for that reason. | ||
| So you know who you could talk shit about? | ||
| Because if you find out that you have a certain percentage, I could talk shit about Italians. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Because I'm mostly Italian. | ||
| So most people wouldn't consider it a bad thing. | ||
| Well, you motherfuckers, the Sicilians got raped by the Moors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And then the Moors and then the Sicilians one night on the Night of the Vespers in 1600 got up and they cut their dicks off and shoved them in their fucking mouths. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's why you can't talk about rape in front of most Sicilians. | ||
| Night of the Vespers is an old Sicilian tradition. | ||
| That's why those Sicilians are good with knives. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Old Sicilians are good with knives. | ||
| They tell you, keep them at arm's distance. | ||
| With old Sicilians, don't fuck with them, because they got those knives. | ||
| They're good with those knives and shit. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Cubans, my sister's dark-skinned. | ||
| And then I look at my cousin, who's my skin, and his sister, the singer, is dark-skinned. | ||
| So I know there's some African shit in my fucking blood. | ||
| It's Cuba. | ||
| Who's, um, what's the band's name? | ||
| X Alfonso? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Eki, Eki, Eki. | ||
| What is that band? | ||
| The band they're in? | ||
| Is it X Alfonso? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| His name is Eki, and her name is Emma. | ||
| I've got it on my phone. | ||
| It's in my, uh... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they don't know. | ||
| If you ever go to Cuba... | ||
| His cousins... | ||
| My cousin owns La Factoria. | ||
| ...have a fucking amazing band. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dude, they're really good. | ||
| Really good, but they own La Factoria. | ||
| So... | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| X Alfonso. | ||
| That's my male cousin. | ||
| Give me some volume on this shit. | ||
| They're really good, dude. | ||
| I mean, no bullshit. | ||
| I listen to this on my way to the comedy store all the time. | ||
| I get pumped up because I don't know what the fuck they're saying. | ||
| So just for me, it just feels good. | ||
| It's like celebratory and I get into my own head thinking about my material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| And I get pumped up listening to this. | ||
| One night you sent me a video you were looking at. | ||
| You were listening to something else, like Italian music. | ||
| I always do that, yeah. | ||
| I always listen to language that I don't understand. | ||
| So you don't think about the words? | ||
| Yeah, I don't think about the words at all. | ||
| See, I don't understand what this is. | ||
| And there's ignorance in it, but there's also freedom. | ||
| So the freedom is that I can hear the beautiful sound of his voice and not have any context to it. | ||
| No, like, whatever his message is or anything... | ||
| And I can have it in the background and 100% concentrate on what I'm trying to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just enjoy it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I hear you. | ||
| It's like an instrument. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're listening to Shooting Star by Bad Company, you know, Johnny was a schoolboy when he heard his first Beatles song. | ||
| That's going to change the way you feel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You hear about that if you're writing about a certain thing, you're not going to be able to concentrate on your subject. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Love me do what I think it was from there. | ||
| It didn't take him long. | ||
| And when I was in high school, everybody wanted to be that guy. | ||
| Everybody wanted to be that bright star that burnt out and didn't fade away. | ||
| And everybody's like, man, we lost Johnny. | ||
| I love when he goes, I love when he goes, don't you know that you are a shooting star? | ||
| That you are fucking tremendous. | ||
| It's a great fucking song. | ||
| Now, he's the male. | ||
| Now look at his sister. | ||
| If you scroll down, show him his sister. | ||
| So my whole family's like this, where the male is light-skinned, but my sister is dark-skinned. | ||
| So I just said, fuck it. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| And then some other kid sent me paperwork that I was related to some Italian Navy guy called Luis Diaz from 1832. So I said, enough with this shit. | ||
| Let me just spit in the cup. | ||
| Plus, it also tells you when you're a genetics guy and what you might die of. | ||
| If you might get cancer, if you might have cardiovascular disease, it tells you what you're susceptible for. | ||
| You know, my family did a family reunion in 2000, and they hired this genealogy expert, and they thought this would be the big culmination on Saturday to present a family history to everybody in the family. | ||
| It's like 30, 40 people there. | ||
| This weekend? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This was in the year 2000. And then that guy started telling us about this, our first guy that came over from Spain, and then where he landed in like 1720. Everyone was like, that's pretty cool. | ||
| And then he was just like, he was a real piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| And like, he killed somebody, and he went to, you know, went to prison, and then he was stealing from people, and when he died, he left 60 slaves to this person. | ||
| And everybody was like, well, let's go have dinner now. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| You know what baffles me? | ||
| There's Diaz's that are Cuban, and then there's the Diaz brothers that are Mexican. | ||
| So that means our relatives came from Spain. | ||
| One went to an island, and the other one went to Mexico. | ||
| Some way or another, I look at those Diaz brothers and I go, I got it. | ||
| We're both retarded. | ||
| All three of us are retarded. | ||
| There's got to be some type of blood that we share because we're not all there. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But there's also Diaz in Puerto Rico, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And that's a different kind of Diaz than the Mexican Diaz, too. | ||
| It's really interesting once you hear enough Spanish and you hear the difference between being friends with you and listening to a lot of Cuban people talk. | ||
| Cuban people have a very certain rhythm, and then Puerto Ricans have a different kind of rhythm, and Mexicans have their own rhythm. | ||
| It totally changes, man. | ||
| The funny thing about hanging out with Tom is people look at him and he looks like a broski from like Wisconsin or something. | ||
| They don't realize he speaks fluent Spanish. | ||
| So people will talk shit in Spanish in front of you. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| About me sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| They would never guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happens when you drop it on them? | |
| It depends, man. | ||
| Like, sometimes you get a, like, you can see the shame wash over them, you know? | ||
| Because if they say something rude at the end, I'll say, like, have a nice day. | ||
| Or I hope you have a great day the rest of your day. | ||
| Que lo pasa bien? | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Sometimes there's, like, a laugh. | ||
| Sometimes, you know, I've had to go even... | ||
| I remember in high school, my cousin came from Peru, and we went into... | ||
| It was the reverse. | ||
| We went into a... | ||
| What is it, GNC? Yeah. | ||
| We were like 14. And I go, in Spanish, because he's visiting. | ||
| I tell him, this place is easy to steal from. | ||
| And then I don't realize that the lady working at the store was Spanish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| So instead of, she just let us kind of look around, and then she started speaking to us in Spanish. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| We thought we were speaking to some crazy code. | ||
| You know, like, this isn't fucking, you know, a Farsi that you're not going to run into a lot. | ||
| It was Spanish. | ||
| But it happens all the time, man. | ||
| I don't know if it happens to you, because I don't look Spanish. | ||
| A lot of times, Spanish-speaking people don't want me to speak Spanish to them. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| If they're here, they're not appreciating that you're not letting them show you that they can speak English, a lot of times. | ||
| That's interesting because Americans wouldn't give a fuck. | ||
| If you were over in like Italy and someone started talking English and you had like one of those translators, you're trying to like, um, yo soy, you know, you're trying to talk to him and he just started saying, uh, is there no problem? | ||
| I speak perfect fluent English. | ||
| You're like, oh great, let's just talk English. | ||
| Here it's different though. | ||
| You'd never be like, oh, let me struggle. | ||
| Sometimes it's somebody that I speak way better Spanish than they speak English. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I still insist on keeping it English. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| It gives them, like with me, they look at me for a minute, and then once I start going off, like those hello, como esta, anybody can say those. | ||
| It's when they ask me, how's your day going? | ||
| Like, when somebody Spanish says to me, que esta pasando, I always say, aqui fa jal con los blancos, no se ven compadre. | ||
| And they look at me, I tell them, I'm here fighting with these fucking white people on a daily. | ||
| And they look at me and go, oh, okay. | ||
| He's okay, but the guy at the weed store at Cushmark, there used to be a little security guard, and I didn't say nothing to him. | ||
| He never looked at my name. | ||
| He would just look at Joey or something, and he would go, hey, it's a good Italian, the fat Italian. | ||
| And I let him roll for like eight times. | ||
| And one day I said, oh yeah, you know, and his face turned pale. | ||
| Like, he had a gun and everything, and he got pale. | ||
| Because I said, never disrespect me, and I'll never disrespect you, you son of a bitch. | ||
| And he just turned pale. | ||
| And a week later, he's like, come here. | ||
| I'm going to get you discounts on weed up in the valley. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| Because I lived in Hollywood at the time. | ||
| But I would catch people. | ||
| But it's really weird. | ||
| Yeah, some people don't. | ||
| Some people don't. | ||
| Some people are cool with it. | ||
| Dude, you ain't seen somebody kill until you've seen Joey Diaz do half Spanish, half English in Miami at the Improv in 2004, 2003, 2004 when that place was crazy. | ||
| That place was crazy. | ||
| You know, and I could go off in Spanish. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I could go off really funny in Spanish. | ||
| People would get crazy. | ||
| All I imitate is the people that, you know, I grew up around. | ||
| The Cuban guys I grew up around were very funny. | ||
| I was telling a friend of mine that I was bartending in high school. | ||
| I had to quit high school and bartend. | ||
| And there was this bookie that hung out there. | ||
| His name was Arnardo. | ||
| And he didn't speak no English. | ||
| And I used to talk to him. | ||
| He was a Cuban dude built, and he had a big, big gut. | ||
| And one day he was sitting in a chair like this, and my buddy was yoked, and he's telling him about, yo, coño compadre. | ||
| And he goes, I gotta go. | ||
| And my friend goes, what are you gonna go home for? | ||
| He didn't even speak Spanish, Arnardo. | ||
| He goes, what I gotta go home for? | ||
| And my friend goes, what are you talking about? | ||
| And I'll never forget how Nardo was sitting in a bar chair that didn't go back. | ||
| And he just started going, oh, when I go home now, forget it. | ||
| And he started making believe like he was jerking off. | ||
| And he would make the noises, aye. | ||
| And everybody in this bar is looking at him. | ||
| His dick ain't out. | ||
| But he's going, aye, aye. | ||
| And when he would come, he would pop back in the chair and go, bah, bah, bah, bah. | ||
| And the whole fucking bar was fucking... | ||
| And then he would sit back and go... | ||
| Joey would go like this. | ||
| He'd go... | ||
| He would play out the whole thing. | ||
| Him jerking up, switching hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then at the end The people you run into In your daily fucking life If you do that today, they'll put you in jail. | |
| If you did that today, if you leaned back in a bar and started jerking off into the sky, they'd put you in jail. | ||
| That's sexual assault. | ||
| Just to do the impersonation? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Didn't Jim Morrison get in trouble for that? | ||
| He pulled his dick out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| He pulled his dick out, I think. | ||
| In Miami? | ||
| Yeah, it was in Miami. | ||
| In Miami he pulled his dick out. | ||
| Yeah, famous concert. | ||
| But I thought that during Mr. Mojo rising, he would make believe he was whacking off and he got arrested. | ||
| I think our boy, too, got arrested. | ||
| The comedian. | ||
| For doing something on stage, like a sexual something. | ||
| Which guy? | ||
| The original guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lenny? | |
| Lenny Bruce? | ||
| Yeah, Lenny did. | ||
| I think he just got arrested for talking. | ||
| I don't think he ever pulled his dick out. | ||
| I think that was just Morrison. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not saying pulling his dick out. | ||
| I mean, like, doing the motion. | ||
| Oh, maybe. | ||
| That you're jerking off for doing something like that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, he definitely got prosecuted for profanity. | ||
| What does it say here? | ||
| Jim Morrison's arrest. | ||
| Many of the nearly 12,000 youths said they found the Bearded Singers exhibition disgusting, included in the audience where hundreds of unescorted junior and senior high school girls Morrison appeared to masturbate in full view of the audience, screamed obscenities, and exposed himself. | ||
| He also got violent, slugged several, in parentheses, concert promoters, and... | ||
| Threw one of them off the stage before he himself was hurled into the crowd with his dick hanging out Wow interesting He says to this day, Morrison's bandmates deny this version of events. | ||
| As guitarist Robbie Krieger explained to Spinner, they were complaining about Jim whipping it out on stage, which he didn't do. | ||
| 500 photos were entered as evidence in the trial, and not one of them showed anything of the sort. | ||
| Regardless, after rejecting a plea bargain, the singer was found guilty of misdemeanor counts of indecent exposure and open profanity and sentenced to prison time and a fine. | ||
| The case was on appeal at the time of his death. | ||
| July 3, 1971. Wow. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| And Clementine Bord, in 2010, voted to pardon the singer. | ||
| More than 40 years later. | ||
| Um, who the fuck knows what happened? | ||
| If they don't have a picture of his dick out, I thought they had a picture of it. | ||
| If they don't have a picture of his dick out, somebody could have yelled his dicks out. | ||
| Which is just like yelling fire in a crowded building. | ||
| He used to do that whole thing at the end of L.A. Woman. | ||
| Mr. Mojo rising. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then at the end he would make believe. | ||
| Rising, rising. | ||
| Rising, rising. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Yeah, maybe to them, it looked like masturbation. | ||
| To him, it looked like he was playing like an air guitar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He pretended to jerk off. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| You're not allowed to do that back then. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That would deny like a good 40% of all of our material. | ||
| It's a lot of it. | ||
| If someone told you you can't fake jerk off on stage, you'd be like, ooh, how am I going to make this bit work? | ||
| There's a couple specials that are gone entirely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| That was one of my best ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| You need to stroke it. | ||
| They edit out all the stroking it parts, you'd be like, oh, I'm so limited in my game. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| What the fuck, Joey Diaz? | ||
| It's only three and a half hours into the show. | ||
| It's four o'clock. | ||
| How do we do this? | ||
| I gotta pick the baby up. | ||
| Listen, this is one of my favorite times ever. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I think I'm gonna have to review it to find out what the fuck you said that made me laugh until I literally couldn't breathe. | ||
| But to everybody that's been on the show, thank you. | ||
| Thank you to everybody listening. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thanks to all, everybody. | ||
| From top to bottom, I love the fuck out of you people. | ||
| More to come. | ||
| And... | ||
| Tom Segura and Christina Pazitzky is your mom's house, one of the best podcasts on the internet. | ||
| Of course, Church of What's Happening Now. | ||
| Lee Syatt, The Flying Jew, and the great Joey Coco Diaz, available on everywhere. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| We'll see you motherfuckers tonight. | ||
| See you a thousand more. | ||
| Eight o'clock, ready to go. | ||
| In four hours. | ||
| Stars of death, heroin, everything tonight. | ||
| All right. | ||
| We love you guys. | ||
| Thank you. |
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