March 7, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:03:10
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| *laughs* 3...2...1... *laughs* Jamie was giving us the almost double gun finger, not yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three, two, one. | |
| Tom Papa sans glasses. | ||
| You got a new look right now, buddy. | ||
| You just said fuck it. | ||
| Well, they're... | ||
| Reading glasses? | ||
| Dirty. | ||
| They're dirty? | ||
| No, they're progressives. | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| That means the top... | ||
| Oh, like bipocals? | ||
| Yes, three levels. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Far, medium... | ||
| Reading. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| When are they going to fix that? | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| Fix what, your eyes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I only have reading glasses that I've worn over the last few years. | ||
| Like two or three years. | ||
| I think I hit like 46. And that's when it just started going, eee. | ||
| Like I'd look at my phone like, hey, why does that look like shit? | ||
| It really is bad. | ||
| And then Adam Carolla did my podcast and he left some glasses over. | ||
| He left reading glasses. | ||
| And I picked up his reading glasses and I put them on. | ||
| I went, fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| I can see! | ||
| I can fucking see clear now! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| I know, it's really frustrating. | ||
| Oh, dude, it's weird. | ||
| And I can't wear contacts because I have a scar on this eyeball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| From, uh, I don't know what. | ||
| The only thing I can think of is, he said it was something as a child. | ||
| There was a pillow fight I had with my friend Keith in like third grade, and I remember him hitting me in an open eye and just being down for a while. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| But just as kids, you know, you're like, ow, that hurt! | ||
| Right, but you developed a scar there. | ||
| It's the only thing I could... | ||
| So yeah, there's a scar on the outer layer of my eyeball. | ||
| Can they do something about that? | ||
| Can they like... | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, you can start messing with it, but this guy is a really good eye doctor, and he's like, don't mess with it if you don't have to. | ||
| But if I look through that eye, it's a little cloudy always, even with the glasses. | ||
| So this one, because of the little bumpy scar, I can't put a contact on it, so I go with the glasses. | ||
| But you say it's a new look when I don't have glasses on. | ||
| I just had these glasses for like two years. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| But everyone I've... | ||
| You get used to people wearing glasses. | ||
| Is that funny? | ||
| Like Greg Fitzsimmons wears glasses and sometimes he doesn't wear glasses. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, hey, man. | ||
| What do you like better? | ||
| What's Tom Papa to you? | ||
| I just like you, buddy. | ||
| Aww. | ||
| I don't really care if you wear glasses. | ||
| But glasses are the odd thing that makes girls sexy. | ||
| There's something about a girl wearing glasses that's kind of sexy. | ||
| Yeah, it worked in every 80s movie. | ||
| It's always like girls with their hair pulled up, with a tight blouse, and a skirt dropping off papers. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| A smart girl is sexy. | ||
| Yeah, for sure, right? | ||
| But then she, at the end of the movie, takes it off and gets all slutty and lets her hair down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it like an alternative thing? | ||
| Is that like what it is? | ||
| Like you see the girl with the glasses and you're like, oh, she's different. | ||
| She's out there reading and she's focused. | ||
| Yeah, she's got her act together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She'll know I'm full of shit. | |
| She'll be able to see my flaws. | ||
| Maybe she can help me. | ||
| She'll know if I really read those books. | ||
| I don't know if... | ||
| You think it's the same for kids now, though? | ||
| Because there's so many weird-looking kids now. | ||
| Like, when we were young, it was, like, the glasses girl or, like, the blonde girl, the cheerleader girl. | ||
| Now everything's so mushed together. | ||
| You mean, like, what is attractive? | ||
| Just, like, the classifications of people. | ||
| We had, like, teams that you were a part of. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You were, like, the jock or the nerd or the burnout. | ||
| I was a jock and a class clown. | ||
| Ah, you were a class clown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What were you jock in? | ||
| I was jock, but I had a lot of friends because I was a class clown, so I wasn't a douchey jock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You just liked sports. | ||
| Yeah, I played football from kindergarten until I graduated. | ||
| And then I was the captain, I was all league. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| I didn't notice about you, Tom Papa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I was a fullback. | ||
| How many head collisions did you have? | ||
| Tons. | ||
| How's your head? | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it all depends who you're playing against. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, we were a white suburban school running into other white suburban kids that were going like this. | ||
| We played in a scrimmage, Passaic. | ||
| Versace, New Jersey. | ||
| It's like one of the big cities, you know? | ||
| And they had Ironhead Hayward. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| He went pro. | ||
| Big, giant man-sized black man from Passaic. | ||
| And we scattered like deer. | ||
| We saw him coming after our all-white league, and then not just a black guy, but an ultimate gigantic black guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| Oh my God, look at the size of that guy. | ||
| When you see him, especially with football pads on, the shoulder pads, you're like, oh my God. | ||
| How big is that guy? | ||
| They would just hand him the ball and just tell him to run straight. | ||
| Yeah, what are you going to do about that? | ||
| That's so not fair. | ||
| That's why I think fighting is so much safer, because there's weight classes. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Like, a dude like me and a guy like that should never be involved in an altercation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no way! | |
| That's just not fair. | ||
| How big is he? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's only 5'11", 265. Jesus Christ. | ||
| So thick. | ||
| He's a tank. | ||
| From his back to his front on the side was probably six feet. | ||
| You know how thick you have to be to be 5'11", 265? | ||
| That's what Mark Hunt is. | ||
| Mark Hunt, the kickboxer who fights in the UFC, he's so thick. | ||
| He's like 5'10", 5'11", 265. Just fucking massive. | ||
| That's massive. | ||
| Samoan, though. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's the super Samoan. | ||
| Like, Samoans, in general, are really powerful people. | ||
| They're just a thick people. | ||
| They are a durable, powerful race of people. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Because you need to think about it. | ||
| Those people, the Polynesians and, you know, those island folk, they were traveling in canoes back and forth across the oceans. | ||
| It probably required severe physical strength, right? | ||
| But when you see Polynesians, Hawaiians, a lot of them, they're fucking stout people. | ||
| Big time. | ||
| Meaty. | ||
| But athletic meaty, like solid. | ||
| Built fucking powerful. | ||
| But they're big down low, too. | ||
| So when you're in a canoe, you're just all upper body. | ||
| Yeah, but they gotta carry those canoes, too, man. | ||
| You gotta carry stuff. | ||
| You're probably packing out your camps and running up hills. | ||
| Eating coconuts with your feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| How would you do that? | ||
| You hold it up with your feet? | ||
| Well, Samoans, they were able to hold canoes over their head and then pick up coconuts with their toes as they walked and bite it like an apple. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| You almost had me, son of a bitch. | ||
| I was like, wow, I was going over in my head. | ||
| I was doing it like I was mimicking it. | ||
| Okay, he's got the canoe. | ||
| Why wouldn't they put the canoe down? | ||
| I mean, what kind of a hurry are they in that he can't pick up a coconut? | ||
| The whole thing was so confusing to me. | ||
| And then when he said bite it like an apple, I'm like, he got me. | ||
| No, but while I was a kid playing football, I kind of went between groups. | ||
| But there were the jocks, and the burnouts were the kids getting high in the back, and then there were the band kids. | ||
| My kids are in school now. | ||
| Those classifications don't really exist anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're really mushed together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think there's some jocks still? | |
| Like bros and jocks and skaters? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're so old. | |
| We shouldn't be talking about these kids. | ||
| They're going to be mad. | ||
| They're like, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about, old man. | ||
| Well, I literally, yeah, because, yeah, I don't go to... | ||
| I'm not in seventh grade. | ||
| I got to ask questions. | ||
| And they don't... | ||
| Smart girls get high. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like bookworm girls get high? | ||
| Jocks are in choir. | ||
| It's more acceptable to be yourself. | ||
| They grew up in a time when you could be anything and do anything. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| And no one shit on you for trying things. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| It's real. | ||
| That's amazing if that's true. | ||
| It's totally true. | ||
| They have a whole different way of looking at the world. | ||
| They look at the way we were raised as animals. | ||
| Just saying the meanest shit to other people and people just shitting on you for trying anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They look at that like it's cavemen times. | ||
| They're like, you would call someone fat? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You would call someone retarded or gay? | ||
| I mean, all that stuff is, you know, it's a lot of word speak conversation, but it's manifested itself into the way these kids were raised and they're sweeter and kinder. | ||
| Wow, that's interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so fascinating. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's so fascinating to see, like, real cultural evolution. | ||
| Because if you go back, you know, to the beginning of the 20th century and those poor people that were surviving through the Depression. | ||
| And you ever read any books on the Depression? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Grapes of Wrath. | ||
| There was a book, I think it was called McGurdy. | ||
| It was by a guy named Bob Burns, who's a famous billiards historian. | ||
| And he wrote this book about a pool hustler during the Depression that traveled literally by train car like a hobo from town to town and found people to gamble with these bars and they would hustle and pretend they didn't play very well and lose a little bit of money and then win money. | ||
| You know, that kind of stuff. | ||
| I like it already, yeah. | ||
| But it was a really depressing book, man. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People were suffering? | ||
| People were suffering, and there was this one story where he was literally knocking on this guy's house, begging for food. | ||
| And the guy brought him out some sausage. | ||
| And they had a soup together, and he was just describing the food that this guy had given him, and how wonderful it was, and how amazing it was in that moment. | ||
| He was literally dying. | ||
| His body was giving out from hunger. | ||
| God. | ||
| In America. | ||
| In America? | ||
| In 1929-30. | ||
| Is that when the depression was officially? | ||
| Yeah, the stock market crash was 29. It's so scary that the stock market is a real thing. | ||
| Like, I was trying to explain this to someone, like, what my frustration with it is. | ||
| Because I was like, okay, just look at it this way. | ||
| And I don't know, if you're a financial person, you're like, oh my god, you're so stupid. | ||
| You really think it works that way? | ||
| But this is what I'm saying. | ||
| If you look at the world... | ||
| And you look at all the people. | ||
| The number of people stays constant. | ||
| The resources stay constant. | ||
| There's kind of the same amount of metal. | ||
| There's the same amount of silicon. | ||
| There's the same amount of all the different materials we use to make things. | ||
| The same countries are in place. | ||
| The money's the same. | ||
| What the fuck happened that all of a sudden everything's terrible? | ||
| You have this state where you have prosperity. | ||
| Everything's wonderful. | ||
| People are doing great. | ||
| Then the stock market crashes. | ||
| And when the stock market crashes, all these people lose their jobs, and mortgage rates get fucked, and everybody's fucked, and there's just this terrible period of fear. | ||
| But meanwhile, the earth is the same. | ||
| It's almost like we create these disasters. | ||
| We create these... | ||
| These systematic, they're like inside the system that we've created. | ||
| Well, that's what it is. | ||
| And it's the system that we've built to survive and be able to trade goods and food and homes and the structure we built to live and be safe from the outside elements on this planet, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So weird. | |
| But that thing has to run and it runs by money and money circulates all that stuff all around all the time. | ||
| There's still money when all that stuff happens, but it's up here clogged with very select places, and then the rest, the flow, just stopped. | ||
| There's no more water coming to these tributaries anymore, and everybody goes tanking. | ||
| Such a goofy system. | ||
| You know what that feels like? | ||
| That feels like someone... | ||
| We took Windows 95 and just kept upgrading it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And now, here we are in 2017, we don't get a new operating system. | ||
| We get a new operating system for a fucking computer, which is not really that goddamn important. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| All in all, if you could choose between a good operating system for life, a much better, more updated operating system for civilization, or whether or not you could get online. | ||
| You got online in 95, your shit would work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're writing emails? | ||
| You're checking your Twitter? | ||
| How much time do you take online? | ||
| It would work fine. | ||
| As long as the web browser didn't crash, you could go to the websites. | ||
| It's way more important to have a new operating system for life. | ||
| We don't even touch that stupid thing. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| It's too massive. | ||
| And what really bothers me, and it's really been on my mind lately, is that you can't escape... | ||
| The herd. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| Right now, like, everything was really crashing in 2008. I mean, that scenario that you're talking about where everything just stopped, like, all the top people were like, the economy is grinding to a halt this afternoon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That calamity, right, took everybody's savings and messed it up and all that stuff. | ||
| So now... | ||
| And everybody had to go through it. | ||
| Now things have kind of come back and they're coming back. | ||
| And there's this Trump bump on the stock market. | ||
| Things are really going really high. | ||
| And some people think it's a bubble and this is just a false thing. | ||
| And it's going to crash. | ||
| And some people even say it's going to crash worse than 2008 if things go really haywire. | ||
| My question is, if we know that, how do I get out of the way of the tsunami? | ||
| Why do I just have to go with everybody else? | ||
| What can I do with my money where I could be safe from these tides that take everybody? | ||
| That's a really good question, but I think the question that overwhelms that question is, why the fuck are we still doing it like this? | ||
| That seems to be a better question, because it seems crazy. | ||
| Well, how are you going to reboot it? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I don't have any... | ||
| I have fucking zero education in economics. | ||
| I know almost nothing about how all that stuff works. | ||
| I did a show two weekends ago for these financial people. | ||
| Really fun show, you know, it's like their private event. | ||
| I'm talking to them after the show at the bar, meet and greet kind of thing. | ||
| And some of these guys who are our age, who are just economic guys, they're in finance, they start these conversations. | ||
| About buying and selling properties and shifting stocks and bonds and all this and what are the bond market doing? | ||
| It's like they're speaking Chinese. | ||
| And I felt like a 10-year-old kid. | ||
| I'm like, this is what the rich people talk about! | ||
| I wish I understood some of that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You know what it's like to me? | ||
| It's like when someone starts bringing up chess moves. | ||
| We're talking about specific chess games like Kasparov playing some dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they start, you know, Rook to King 2 or whatever the numbers are. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| And they go seven in. | ||
| I knew a guy and he went to prison. | ||
| And when he came out of prison, he had learned to play chess in his head. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So he could sit there... | ||
| And him and this kid, there was this kid who was a really, really interesting guy. | ||
| He was a really tiny kid that used to come to this pool. | ||
| He was super smart. | ||
| But he was like this little, almost like a fucking honey badger. | ||
| Really funny kid, man. | ||
| A pool where you would go? | ||
| Yeah, he would pick fights with people. | ||
| And he was a tiny little guy. | ||
| He was so little that people would be like, what is this guy doing? | ||
| But anyway, he was super fucking smart. | ||
| I guess he just felt like he had to establish his place in the social pecking order because he was so little. | ||
| And it was a pool hall. | ||
| And he was a really smart guy. | ||
| So I think his strategy was to yell at people. | ||
| Like one time he yelled at me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What age? | ||
| Oh man, he was probably like 15 or 16. Wow. | ||
| And I was, you know, 25. I was like, dude, why are you yelling at me, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| Yeah, like, what are you crazy? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| I had to have a conversation with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's weird. | |
| I go, dude, I'm not your enemy. | ||
| We're arguing over a pool game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, just what's going on. | ||
| Yeah, don't say you'll take me outside. | ||
| I go, listen, man, how old are you? | ||
| And he goes, like, 15. I go, dude, I'm not, I just, listen, I'm not, I'm not your enemy. | ||
| We're trying to figure out who's right on a foul. | ||
| You know what a foul is? | ||
| Fouls whether or not like you're playing pool and maybe your tip touched the ball before it was supposed to and then you try to ignore it and then someone calls you on or the hit is bad like you don't hit the number ball you're supposed to if you're playing nine ball the other guy's supposed to get ball in hand. | ||
| If it's a competitive thing like a tournament those conversations get pretty emotional. | ||
| People get really upset like I definitely did not foul. | ||
| But all of a sudden he was like trying to start a fight. | ||
| And how tall is he? | ||
| Not big at all, okay? | ||
| And this is like right after I just maybe had my last fight. | ||
| This was a couple of years before that. | ||
| So I was still kickboxing. | ||
| I was still training all the time. | ||
| And I was like, this is the craziest conversation I can't believe I'm having with this little kid. | ||
| And so I pulled him outside and I go, we just had, you know, just kind of a down-to-earth. | ||
| You know, you gotta get respect from these fucking people. | ||
| I go, not like that, man. | ||
| Someone's gonna hit you. | ||
| It was a planned thing. | ||
| He was a smart fucking kid. | ||
| It was cool afterwards because I had this kind of conversation. | ||
| He knew that if we ever did have a conversation before, I was never going to go to a bad place. | ||
| I was just going to talk to him. | ||
| So it made it a nice thing because he was a wizard. | ||
| He was a really smart kid. | ||
| For pool, is that like chess? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's a big advantage. | ||
| Yeah, because you're also smart in the execution of your shot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like one of the things about pool is the execution of your shot should be almost effortless. | ||
| You rely on your structure. | ||
| You rely on your stance. | ||
| You rely on your technique. | ||
| And it's supposed to be like incredibly gentle. | ||
| And smart people can figure that out better than dumb people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just get up there and slam it. | ||
| Instead of slamming the ball, instead of using your muscles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Instead, they'd stroke the ball where the weight of the cue is kind of doing all the work. | ||
| The point is this kid was so fucking smart that him and that prison guy would get together and play chess in their head. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| And I would sit there like a stupid ape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I sat there and I just pulled up a stool and I just watched them. | ||
| They were playing chess. | ||
| They went through a full game in their head. | ||
| I was like, this is so crazy. | ||
| They know where all the pieces are. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| That's what it was like with these financial guys. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| They're just smarter. | ||
| I was never that great in math. | ||
| My head isn't built for talking about that stuff. | ||
| They're smarter in that area. | ||
| That is what it's like. | ||
| When you hear them talking, it's like knight to rook six. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Where's the grid? | ||
| I don't understand the grid. | ||
| But it's even more complex. | ||
| They're talking about dividends, bonds, and fucking... | ||
| I know. | ||
| And they can make a lot of money because they just have that knowledge. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And some of them start doing coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they get crazy. | ||
| And leave their families. | ||
| Oh man, that's a business where people go off the rails. | ||
| But like, what can you do to protect yourself? | ||
| Say Trump goes off the rails, and the stock market goes down again, There's nothing you can do right now to prepare yourself for that. | ||
| You can put your money in cash, but then it's not growing. | ||
| I think the amount of pressure that guy's under is probably unmanageable. | ||
| I think very few people can manage that pressure. | ||
| I think that job's insane. | ||
| I don't think it should be real. | ||
| I don't think it should be a job. | ||
| It should be five people. | ||
| It should be a ton of people. | ||
| I mean, I don't even think five people's enough. | ||
| I don't even know, man. | ||
| I feel like it almost should be all of us. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's supposed to be. | ||
| It seems like if you wanted to give your reason, you, Tom Papa, wanted to give your reasons why we shouldn't be engaging in some sort of a military action against North Korea or whatever's next, you'd have to do it. | ||
| You'd have to write it out or you'd have to record it, right? | ||
| You'd have to give a coherent reason why you feel that that would be considered. | ||
| So you'd be like one person. | ||
| Imagine if there's 350 million of us or whatever the hell it is right now. | ||
| Everyone having a single opinion, a nuanced, complex, comprehensive opinion on any sort of an action that anything in the government is doing that represents us. | ||
| That's what the government is. | ||
| I mean, there's these people, it's boiled down to a few people that are supposed to successfully represent us and all of our ideas, but there's no way they could know what our ideas are. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you can come close to being like, okay, my town, if you go to Congress and be like, my state... | ||
| Really thinks weed should be legal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you can get that consensus, you know? | ||
| Sort of, yeah. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| I don't know how accurately they can do it. | ||
| Well, it's probably really inaccurate in certain ways. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just, it seems to me... | ||
| It is strange, though. | ||
| I mean, to be that president, to be one guy... | ||
| It really is a thing about, you know, there is one guy on the top of Virgin or Tesla, but it's their job to run things and have people doing stuff for them. | ||
| It's almost a job that's more about... | ||
| and patience than it is like you know taking everybody's thing on yeah that's what's so unsettling about the time right now you want someone you want dad to be at the steering wheel and you feel good and safe in the backseat well that's why a lot of people are really excited about Trump's because he's confident and if you're like a confident older man who's successful people like there's a natural instinct like an alpha chimpanzee now It's an alpha. | ||
| It's an alpha thing, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, it's a total, there's a total instinct to try to acquiesce. | ||
| And also an instinct to challenge. | ||
| There's going to be a big instinct to challenge him because of who he is, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he sees weaknesses and see where he can swipe out his ankle and... | ||
| It shouldn't exist, folks. | ||
| This is highlighting what's wrong. | ||
| And everybody's like, yeah, you don't know anything about politics. | ||
| And you're right. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I know so little about politics. | ||
| I don't know a lot about a lot of things. | ||
| Who does? | ||
| Nobody does. | ||
| But I know one thing. | ||
| I know that I can see patterns and trends. | ||
| I see them. | ||
| I'm pretty good at it. | ||
| And I see a pattern and trend in our communication, in our expression of ideas. | ||
| It's like what you were talking about with kids today. | ||
| I'm not surprised by that at all, and I'm excited by it. | ||
| Because I think that people are more open-minded today. | ||
| They're way smarter than I was when I was their age. | ||
| If you talk to an average 10-year-old or 11-year-old, they know so much more about how the world works than I did when I was that age. | ||
| Just the amount of work they have to do in school is... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ten times what we had. | ||
| But they're still all being trapped by the same system. | ||
| They still have the same educational system, which I think is fucking bananas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's bananas. | |
| You make kids go to school all day, and then at the end of that, you give them homework? | ||
| How about fuck you? | ||
| How many hours in a day is there? | ||
| You're preparing people for suck. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My kids, they're up until 11 o'clock at night doing work. | ||
| Not hanging out, not screwing around. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Working. | ||
| That takes away the rest of your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You need life. | ||
| It's really important. | ||
| You have to enjoy. | ||
| Especially when it's a curriculum that... | ||
| In the public schools that is geared towards a manufacturing middle class. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, they're still learning in that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're learning like robots. | ||
| If you want these kids to... | ||
| They could work so much smarter about more up-to-date teaching methods and things that are going to apply to get jobs going out. | ||
| Then it's like, alright, spend a little time on that. | ||
| They're also training people to put their energy into things that don't bring them joy. | ||
| They're training a certain kind of discipline. | ||
| A certain kind of morose, dark gray cloud discipline. | ||
| You're totally right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to the factory, hit with a hammer. | |
| Bang, bang. | ||
| Stay alive! | ||
| In order to stay alive, we have to work. | ||
| Bang, bang, bang. | ||
| Row those fucking boats across the ocean. | ||
| And you're a kid like, but wait, I just want to hang out. | ||
| But I want a skateboard, man. | ||
| Tony Hawk makes way more than you do, Dad. | ||
| I'm so much happier there. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's so many people that want to do so many things, and they fucking could. | ||
| They could. | ||
| They could, but as a parent. | ||
| Oh, fuck all that. | ||
| I mean, I've got two, and one is not into school. | ||
| Is not into it. | ||
| Pull him out. | ||
| She seems like a comedian. | ||
| Pull her out. | ||
| She seems the same. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| She doesn't care about authority. | ||
| She's clever. | ||
| Just not into school. | ||
| She's probably smart. | ||
| She sees her dad. | ||
| She is, but she's... | ||
| She sees her dad. | ||
| He's like, this guy doesn't do nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| He sits around talking shit about bread. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's exactly it. | ||
| He's baking bread. | ||
| He's always smiling. | ||
| I either see him baking bread or going to a show. | ||
| I'm Billy's dad. | ||
| I just had a heart attack. | ||
| That's true! | ||
| Billy's dad freaking out. | ||
| He works at a fucking financial institution. | ||
| Yeah, you don't go to work. | ||
| You don't go to this stuff. | ||
| But as a parent, I can't be like, yeah, just hang out. | ||
| No, you can't be just hang out, but you can be like, find your groove, find a thing, and then get into it. | ||
| You know, I think introducing kids to things that they can get into is super important. | ||
| But what about the school thing? | ||
| If your kid brings home C's, do you get honor, or do you say... | ||
| You gotta step it up. | ||
| There's a real problem. | ||
| Stepping it up is making her that drone. | ||
| Well, there's a real problem. | ||
| That kind of learning is boring. | ||
| Listen, I was not into science at school. | ||
| I can't get enough science as an adult. | ||
| Right. | ||
| As an adult, I constantly read Scientific American. | ||
| I watch all those science shows on TV about fucking space and astrology. | ||
| Because they make it look cool. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Cosmos, you ever see the Neil deGrasse Tyson series? | ||
| Oh, the best! | ||
| I couldn't wait for that thing to come on every week. | ||
| We celebrated when that came on. | ||
| Look, science is fascinating. | ||
| They find these seven new exoplanets that they think can inhabit life. | ||
| You're like, Jesus! | ||
| I know, they're like Earth. | ||
| This is all amazing. | ||
| When I was a kid, I could not have given less of a fuck. | ||
| I didn't care about any of it. | ||
| I was like, boring! | ||
| Why? | ||
| Boring teachers, man. | ||
| Boring teachers. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| If Neil deGrasse Tyson was my astronomy teacher in high school or taught astrophysics or whatever and taught it the way he teaches things, when he talks about stuff, he gets you so excited about the ideas that he's talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he's intelligent and can explain it in a way that you'll understand and be excited. | ||
| I think his passion for it's real. | ||
| He's really excited by it. | ||
| Here's another thing. | ||
| It's almost like it's engineered to be that way, and I don't want to get all fucking crazy Tower 7 on anybody, but if you look at the idea of school itself, why the fuck are they paying those teachers so little? | ||
| I mean teachers, they have arguably the most important job in developing your child outside of you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's you, the parent, and then the teacher. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| And how many teachers are just kind of barely getting by with a total ceiling on how much money they can make? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Because my science teacher was... | ||
| He wasn't, like, being paid... | ||
| He was a stressed-out, chain-smoking, angry guy in bad, shitty clothes because he couldn't afford anything else. | ||
| This guy's life pressures are so huge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He can't be, like... | ||
| Jazzed about science. | ||
| He's worried about getting kicked out of his apartment and whether he's got lung cancer from chain smoking. | ||
| If you did pay this guy, Twice what he was making, he'd be relaxed, he'd be motivated, he'd be into it, he could spend more time putting together his lesson plans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He'd feel appreciated. | |
| You know, but if that's what you want to do, like if you want to be a teacher, they go, well, you know how much you're going to get paid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But why? | ||
| It's one of those things where you're getting paid that much because people have decided you're getting paid that much. | ||
| They decided to only allocate a certain amount of resources towards education. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But meanwhile, think about how much more money they spend on military. | ||
| Well, I was just going to say that there's no talk right now about increasing spending for schools. | ||
| It's probably the most important thing we could do is make less losers, right? | ||
| Make the schools better. | ||
| It is the most important thing. | ||
| But... | ||
| Is there an advantage to keeping some part of the population dumb? | ||
| Man, that's the big conspiracy theory, right? | ||
| But I don't think it's a conspiracy. | ||
| I think it is just a convenience. | ||
| I think once people are in a community that's poor, there's no incentive for the wealthy people that are in government or running government to say, let's allocate an inordinate amount of resources to try to rebuild these areas. | ||
| They don't benefit from that. | ||
| Or people with money. | ||
| The only way you can get them to benefit... | ||
| Nah, I saw that. | ||
| Chance the Rapper donated a million dollars to the Chicago Public School System. | ||
| Congratulations to that guy. | ||
| That's a fucking awesome human being. | ||
| He's a great... | ||
| Plus, ballin', if you could donate a million. | ||
| Shit, how much did you make, kid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hashtag ballin'. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I just think that it's not necessarily a conspiracy as much as it's just easy to ignore. | ||
| Those people don't have political influence. | ||
| And the people making the decisions put their kids in private school and they don't have to worry. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If everybody had to go to their local public school, I bet things would change. | ||
| Well, it's worse because you're making things less safe because you're creating more crime, because you're creating more disenfranchised people, and you're creating more of a need to stay in your wealthy communities. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know how it is? | ||
| I mean, it is what it is, but it's something that there's no incentive to change. | ||
| It's not like there's a giant amount of pressure to look at the same way we look at it. | ||
| We have to go to Afghanistan and make sure it doesn't fall apart. | ||
| I mean, you fucking... | ||
| Chicago's falling apart, man. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Why do you have to go to Afghanistan when you haven't done shit about Detroit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Detroit is completely... | ||
| There's a lot of fucked up spots in this country where there's dangerous... | ||
| Flint still doesn't have good water, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that still going on in Flint, Michigan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What in the fuck? | ||
| And it's gonna get worse now because they're cutting out the... | ||
| They're abolishing the clean water. | ||
| So it's going to get worse. | ||
| What's going to happen... | ||
| Look, we all are nervous about a lot of different things. | ||
| My only focus is the environment and what's going on with that because that I care the most about and I don't like my kids to be sick. | ||
| It's also something you can't pull back. | ||
| They're reversing everything. | ||
| They're reversing everything. | ||
| Emissions on cars. | ||
| They're going to come to California. | ||
| Who has the most advanced emissions controls and it's working. | ||
| They're going to force California to lessen the emissions restrictions the way that the rest of the country is and they're going to go back like 20 years. | ||
| They're changing emissions. | ||
| You know what they're doing? | ||
| They're not funding... | ||
| Satellites that keep track of climate change. | ||
| They're going to cut off the information so you don't complain when Miami's underwater. | ||
| They're putting waste back in the waters. | ||
| They're taking all the regulations off. | ||
| The head of the EPA is the guy who sued the shit out of the EPA. Hates the EPA. They're tearing it all down. | ||
| Can I ask you a question, Tom Pompa? | ||
| Drilling for gas in Yellowstone. | ||
| You want to see that? | ||
| This is where they're opening the door for all of this. | ||
| Just... | ||
| Yes, you can ask me a question. | ||
| Are you a cuck? | ||
| What? | ||
| Do you know what that means? | ||
| No. | ||
| People who are anti-Trump when you are... | ||
| Oh, that's a cuck? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, my only focus is what's going to happen with the environment. | ||
| It's also like... | ||
| It sounds more like a... | ||
| Goddammit, what is the official definition again? | ||
| It used to be cuckold, based on cuckold, which is like a man who likes watching other men fuck his wife. | ||
| Because there's a whole level of porn. | ||
| And then, what's the official definition now? | ||
| It was confusing to us, but it's sort of a political thing. | ||
| It's sort of like pretending you're progressive when you're not. | ||
| New one, I guess. | ||
| Oh, there's a new one. | ||
| An insult that reveals sexual insecurity, misogyny, and fear of those who use the term. | ||
| Oh, that's so ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, that's so ridiculous. | ||
| In GQ magazine, what does cuck mean? | ||
| Why are you being called one? | ||
| A weak, feckless, spineless, and decidedly pathetic specimen of manliness. | ||
| It's a derivative of the term cuck. | ||
| Okay, so that makes sense. | ||
| Cuckold. | ||
| Angry white people. | ||
| Why angry white people? | ||
| Love calling people cucks. | ||
| Angry with white men. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's a fun word to call people. | ||
| It is pretty funny. | ||
| It was insulting when you said it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it felt like, no, I don't think I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know what? | |
| You can still say it on the news. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just like, fuck, but it's with a C, and you can still say it. | |
| Well, he's a cuck. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| And the newscaster would be like, we'll be right back with the weather. | ||
| They don't even know what to say. | ||
| You just say it right there. | ||
| You can even say the word cuckold. | ||
| Cuck you. | ||
| And he loves cuckold erotica. | ||
| You could probably say that on regular TV and they would not be able to do anything about it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They'd be stuck. | ||
| And you've just painted a ruthless image in their mind of some poor sobbing man by some fucking dude that looks like Ironhead is laying pipe to the lady. | ||
| They take you off to the green room. | ||
| Look, we know you can say it. | ||
| Can you just not? | ||
| Just stop saying it. | ||
| Those people need to stop. | ||
| All those people that tell you, we know you can, but you shouldn't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't say that word. | ||
| Just don't. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you and your magic words. | ||
| What are you, a child? | ||
| There's certain words you can't say. | ||
| That is another thing that has to go. | ||
| And it's being more and more highlighted by the internet. | ||
| It's why you're seeing in television shows, like if you watch The Walking Dead, you'll see a lot of random use of swears. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and you'll hear random use of swears on other shows. | ||
| Yeah, on Cable. | ||
| Yeah, on Cable. | ||
| People say shit during their TV sets on Conan. | ||
| Shit, yes. | ||
| Shit is okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've changed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But you still can't say fuck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you watch like Walking Dead, I don't think they ever say fuck. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| See if they do. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they just say shit and asshole and they can say tits and... | ||
| My last Colbert, which I did in December-ish, they said I couldn't say fly open one ball out. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I could say fly open one testicle out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Or I could say fly open everything out. | ||
| But couldn't say one ball. | ||
| Doug Stanhope came up with an idea when we were doing our version of The Man Show that was a big fat failure. | ||
| Doug came up with this idea to do a game show where a dude had a box over his private areas and a light would go off. | ||
| Whenever you had an erection. | ||
| There was a red light. | ||
| We controlled the light, obviously. | ||
| So it'd be like dwarves eating bananas, light goes off. | ||
| Guy's hairy ass, light goes off. | ||
| And they told us, Doug's name for the show was Make Me Hard. | ||
| And they told us we couldn't have it called Make Me Hard. | ||
| We had to change it to Make Me Stiff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And we were like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| And they're like, hard is just too, it's just not the right word. | ||
| We think make me stiff. | ||
| And there's these two ladies that we're talking to that have nothing to do with comedy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, literally nothing. | ||
| Like, how is that? | ||
| Stiff is actually more offensive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, it sounds like a really dumb person. | ||
| Hey, I got a stiffy over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready to stick my fucking stiffy in you. | |
| It's disgusting. | ||
| So when we were doing this, this light, obviously, we controlled. | ||
| So we played this game show. | ||
| So we couldn't call it Make Me Hard. | ||
| We had to change it to Make Me Stiff. | ||
| We lost the argument. | ||
| It was the stupidest fucking argument. | ||
| And it was so indicative of how frustrating those shows can be. | ||
| We have all these fucking chefs in the kitchen. | ||
| I just think it would be better if he was wearing blue underwear. | ||
| I just think it would look better. | ||
| It would look better! | ||
| So the guy's lying there, and we have this woman come out, and she's got these big juicy tits, and he's sucking on them, and she's climbing on them, and everybody's going, ooh! | ||
| And they put... | ||
| Whipped cream on her tits and he's sucking the whipped cream off her nipples and he was like heavy duty stuff. | ||
| Then she pulls her pants down and she's got a dick. | ||
| Not only does she have a dick, she has a dick that looks like it had been poisoned. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Because she's a transvestite or transsexual rather. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like all bubbly? | ||
| She's a woman. | ||
| Why do you look like poisoned? | ||
| Because the estrogen had killed the dick. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| It was dark and it was... | ||
| Like a crispy french fry you get at Jerry's Deli. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| But that was okay. | ||
| That was alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To show all that. | |
| All that was okay. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we had to blur the dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But that was okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You just can't use the word hard. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| Hard's a bad word. | ||
| It's hard a bad word. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Testicle sounded worse than ball to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One testicle out? | ||
| Yeah, testicle sounds... | ||
| What about half a sack? | ||
| Ball's kind of fun. | ||
| Half sack? | ||
| Half sack. | ||
| Heck out. | ||
| Negan said fuck a few times in that scene where he was... | ||
| That bat scene, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, did he? | |
| There's an uncensored version where he says it like 23 times. | ||
| An uncensored version. | ||
| I didn't see the real version, so... | ||
| That was the scene that made me stop watching that show. | ||
| I was like, that's it. | ||
| What am I watching? | ||
| I'm watching a torture show. | ||
| This isn't a fun show anymore. | ||
| This isn't a show where people are trying to get away from zombies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The zombies are inconsequential. | ||
| You can push them aside now. | ||
| They used to eat horses raw. | ||
| They used to tear a horse apart. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now you can just kind of trip them and push them. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Is that what it's devolved to? | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| Nobody gets killed by zombies. | ||
| Everybody gets killed by each other. | ||
| I was like, this is so stupid. | ||
| It's been on a long time. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| I think I watched one season. | ||
| Yeah, I just can't... | ||
| If it was like 28 Days Later Zombies, I think it'd be way better. | ||
| I think there's something about the fact these zombies are so fucking slow, and they never seem to starve to death. | ||
| Like, explain to me how they're still going. | ||
| Don't they eat brains? | ||
| But there's no one to eat. | ||
| They're all zombies. | ||
| They don't eat each other, which is bizarre as fuck. | ||
| What do you have, like, zombie rules? | ||
| Where you can't cannibalize each other? | ||
| How come you fucks are running around looking for people that are moving? | ||
| And you're moving, and you don't eat each other. | ||
| That's where we draw the line. | ||
| But you're stupid as fuck. | ||
| You have cloudy eyes, you can barely see. | ||
| All people have to do is cover themselves with guts and blood, and they pass as a zombie. | ||
| And they walk around you. | ||
| That's all you gotta do? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It makes me mad. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| It makes me mad, Tom Papa. | ||
| It makes me mad, too. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Making up their own zombie-ass rules. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck you and your zombie rules. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stick with the plan! | ||
| See those 28 Days Later zombies? | ||
| Those are the fast ones? | ||
| Those are the fast ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the ones I like. | ||
| The ones that look like they're on rabies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just chase you. | ||
| I saw those in Thousand Oaks. | ||
| You saw a zombie like that? | ||
| Yeah, like a whole herd of- A real one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was going on? | ||
| I was just- Sale? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Was there a sale? | ||
| There was- A Black Friday sale? | ||
| It was Black Friday. | ||
| Is that the worst thing that we do as a culture? | ||
| It's- Yeah. | ||
| Trample over each other on the way through Walmart? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who does? | ||
| Who does? | ||
| Who does that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't do it. | ||
| Do you do it? | ||
| I don't do it, but a lot of people do it. | ||
| What people? | ||
| People I don't know. | ||
| People on TV. My kids want to do it. | ||
| No, don't let them do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People get hurt. | |
| I'm not. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Well, it's just ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, you line up outside of a store. | ||
| And run in. | ||
| And you save $10 or whatever the fuck you save. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much do you save? | |
| I've got this piece of crap. | ||
| Yeah, how much do you save? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Why don't you make a nice little card instead of going to... | ||
| You know what, though? | ||
| There's things that become things. | ||
| Like, somehow or another, they just become events. | ||
| Like, um, it used to be Devil's Night in Detroit, which was the day before Halloween. | ||
| There were lighthouses on fire. | ||
| Devil's night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We had cabbage night. | ||
| It was arson night. | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Devil's night? | ||
| See if you find that. | ||
| Literally light people's homes with them in it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| We had cabbage night. | ||
| You'd throw eggs at the cops and... | ||
| Cabbage? | ||
| It was called cabbage night the night before. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It was a cabbage. | ||
| It was old-timey New Jersey. | ||
| One time there was cabbage in the fields. | ||
| Angel's Night is an event designed to mitigate criminal acts associated with Devil's Night in Detroit. | ||
| After Brutal's Devil's Night in 1994, then-new mayor Dennis Archer promised city residents arson would not be tolerated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Devil's Night is... | ||
| Scroll down to see if there's a... | ||
| That didn't catch on, though. | ||
| Yeah, well, the Devil's Night thing apparently was going on a lot. | ||
| We'd hear about it in high school. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Look at the flaming bags of canine feces in front of port shops. | ||
| That's always fun. | ||
| Canine feces. | ||
| You can't even say, who says feces? | ||
| Who are you talking to that say feces? | ||
| Well, if you said shit, I would have never known what you were saying, so thank you for saying feces. | ||
| Isn't there something nice to using feces once in a while rather than shit? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If a scientist is doing it. | ||
| If I'm talking to a scientist and he's like, well, it's really important that we get feces samples of these animals to make sure that we... | ||
| You don't want your doctor saying, go shit in this cup. | ||
| I'm out here collecting animal shit. | ||
| Make sure we got a lot of them. | ||
| Those guys, I was watching this show on the Science Channel last night. | ||
| Science Channel, by the way, is... | ||
| It's not all science. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you leave that thing on, there's a lot of fucking, they get goofy. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| They just start selling UFOs. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They do these shows, man, where there's a certain amount of experts. | ||
| There's a guy, I really want to get him on. | ||
| He's the preeminent, legitimately intelligent UFO expert. | ||
| His name is Stanton Friedman. | ||
| I think he's a nuclear physicist, actually. | ||
| A real guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| See if you can find his Wikipedia. | ||
| I believe his name is Stanton Friedman. | ||
| And he was on one of those last time, but he's one of those guys where you see him on one of those shows, you go, oh, I know I'm watching a show about bullshit. | ||
| Because he's a UFO guy. | ||
| And it's not that he's full of shit. | ||
| He actually makes some real sense as far as what kind of physics would be required in order to make a craft that can travel between worlds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is that the UFO guy? | ||
| But if he's on the show, yeah. | ||
| No, that's not the same guy. | ||
| Civilian investigator of the Roswell incident? | ||
| Maybe it is, yeah. | ||
| Where's his picture, though? | ||
| His picture looks weird. | ||
| Oh, it's just a weird angle of him. | ||
| Yeah, that's him. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| Yeah, Stanton Friedman. | ||
| Yeah, he was on the show last night. | ||
| I was watching. | ||
| I was like, oh, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Next is Bigfoot. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| He's coming. | ||
| Sidekicks are coming. | ||
| But before that, there was a show about this explorer that something... | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| Christopher Columbus. | ||
| I tweeted it yesterday to somebody, in response to somebody. | ||
| I tweeted the whole incident, and then I tweeted this guy's name. | ||
| But he was an explorer in 1925 that went into the Amazon, and he was looking for El Dorado, which is like this purported city of gold. | ||
| There was a legendary story in the Amazon. | ||
| Yeah, but there was something about him that I tweeted earlier. | ||
| And a great car, the El Dorado. | ||
| Well, anyway, this guy, in 1925, went to the Amazon and saw these mounds. | ||
| These mounds, you know, this is almost 100 years ago. | ||
| And he wanted to investigate these mounds because he got on top of one of them and he looked out and he saw another mound. | ||
| There was his name, Percy Fawcett. | ||
| He saw another mound out in the distance and then he realized that they were on a grid and he realized that there's a city here. | ||
| This is a city. | ||
| He's like, oh my God, I'm looking. | ||
| These aren't dirt mounds. | ||
| It's a lost city. | ||
| Yeah, these are stone structures that the Earth has sort of covered up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because the Amazon is just so dense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just covers everything. | ||
| Massive. | ||
| So, super recently, like within the last decade, they've got these satellite images of that area, and they found these pictures, like what Jamie just pulled up that last article. | ||
| See those images? | ||
| That's all stuff that they found out from the ceiling, or from satellites, rather, from the ceiling. | ||
| It looks like a snowman! | ||
| They were saying that they did these, well, they're just, you know, it's just paths and structures. | ||
| There's a bunch of them, though. | ||
| There's a ton of them. | ||
| When was this discovered? | ||
| Really recently. | ||
| Really recently. | ||
| But, so, one of the, on the show, they were saying that they carbon-tested some of these mounds, and they were over 6,000 years old. | ||
| So 6,000 years old, this is the speculation, this show might have been wrong, but what they were asserting, and it could totally be true, because it definitely was some culture 6,000 years ago they're just finding out about, but that 6,000 years ago, somehow or another, these people had created irrigation, they had created these pathways, they had made a grid, like a system. | ||
| Pretty advanced. | ||
| Well, it looked like a city. | ||
| It didn't look like a settled group of tents or something like that. | ||
| How long have human beings been on the planet? | ||
| It's an enormous area, too. | ||
| It's bigger than Georgia. | ||
| What does it say there? | ||
| It could have maintained a population of 60,000 people, more people than in many medieval European cities. | ||
| Wow, the structures were created by a network of trenches about 36 feet, nearly 11 meters wide, and several feet deep. | ||
| Lined by banks up to three feet high, some were ringed by low mounds containing ceramics, charcoal, and stone tools. | ||
| It's thought that they were used for fortifications, homes, and ceremonies and could have maintained populations of 60,000. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| They sound fun. | ||
| Yeah, great people. | ||
| They were cannibals. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but other than that... | ||
| The ones that he found. | ||
| Yeah, but other than that, they were fun. | ||
| So he had these guides, and the guides were taking him to this mount. | ||
| Obviously, this is, again, a wonky TV show. | ||
| Might have been bullshit. | ||
| They go fast and loose with the facts in order to make those shows seem more fun, and they got me. | ||
| And they were saying that he was told by his guides to stay back. | ||
| They wouldn't go any further because there's cannibals. | ||
| And he was never seen from again. | ||
| The last contact of him, he ran into some other tribes. | ||
| I was like, yeah, somebody probably jacked him. | ||
| They probably knew even back then, the white people coming over from England. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| They just wanted his north face. | ||
| Probably everything he had back then was probably super nice. | ||
| How long were people on the planet, though? | ||
| People in this form, I think it's been 150,000 years. | ||
| 150? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| And what's the oldest, like... | ||
| Town that we found like that. | ||
| I think the oldest structures that they know of right now are somewhere around 14,000 plus years ago. | ||
| 14,000. | ||
| As far as like stone structures, like when they find... | ||
| I went to like one of the very first cities, which was in Beirut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| It was this, I forget the name of it, but it was like one of the original cities, like where they actually started to grid out and stuff. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I don't know how long ago that was. | ||
| Well, let's find out what is the oldest known evidence of civilization. | ||
| And what do they determine in civilization? | ||
| There's a bunch of shit. | ||
| Like, functioning. | ||
| Like, you know, we were hunters-gatherers first, right? | ||
| But, yeah, I guess, where do you draw the line? | ||
| I guess, when did you have girlfriends and, like, have fun on a Saturday night? | ||
| When did you guys have a drive-thru? | ||
| That's when it all started. | ||
| I was at a food festival the other day, and a pretty good band, like these young guys, were playing Elton John Saturday night. | ||
| And they were like, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. | ||
| And I was thinking, is that as important to kids as it was? | ||
| Yeah, because school. | ||
| School makes it important. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| It's Saturday! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that still the way it is? | ||
| Yeah, school makes it important. | ||
| Earliest evidence of modern human culture found. | ||
| 20,000 years. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| 44,000 years ago, over 20,000 years before other findings. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Modern human behavior. | ||
| So this is the earliest unambiguous evidence for modern human behavior has been discovered in an international team of researchers in a South African cave. | ||
| Now, here's what's crazy. | ||
| That is saying that the first evidence of civilization... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Of modern human behavior was 44,000 years ago. | ||
| That's so crazy recent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so recent. | ||
| And then the earliest stone structures, I think, is the stuff they found in Turkey. | ||
| The really big stone structures in Turkey at... | ||
| Gobekli Tepe. | ||
| I think that's the oldest right now as far as like really complex because before then they weren't really convinced that people could do that kind of stuff back then. | ||
| So that means in 30,000 years they figured out how to make that. | ||
| There's got to be like some older structures that they just haven't found that are way down or under the sea. | ||
| Yeah, I think they're guessing. | ||
| They're guessing with a lot of evidence. | ||
| They're not guessing with a complete supply of evidence. | ||
| That would be cool if they found this whole other culture. | ||
| And it had aliens in it. | ||
| Where they find stuff is in the oceans, because the water levels have risen since then. | ||
| So they find entire cities underwater. | ||
| I think there's probably some amazing evidence they've never even discovered of ancient cities. | ||
| Oh, there's got to be. | ||
| But you gotta think also that what was the city made out of? | ||
| Because unless it was made out of solid stone, the ocean's just gonna destroy it. | ||
| Like the ocean crept over Malibu. | ||
| Do you think you would find anything in 3,000 years? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, what would you find? | ||
| Gary Busey. | ||
| Is this thing on? | ||
| Lisa Rena. | ||
| She'll still be at the bar. | ||
| What'll I find? | ||
| A good time. | ||
| Is this thing on? | ||
| Who's got the pills? | ||
| Come on, we're in Malibu. | ||
| Those houses would just vanish. | ||
| They would just totally vanish. | ||
| Especially that salt water. | ||
| Nothing was made of metal. | ||
| Even if it was, anything made of metal would give out after a thousand years. | ||
| What about like old ships and stuff that are down under the ocean? | ||
| They're not that old. | ||
| There's some old ones. | ||
| There's nothing that's like, yeah, I mean, there's probably some that there's remnants of it, of like the Roman times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But think of that. | ||
| What's that, 1,000 years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| 2,000 years? | ||
| 3,000 years? | ||
| What about 7,000? | ||
| What about 8? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| You're not going to find a goddamn thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
40,000. | |
| So we're talking about more than 14,000 years old. | ||
| If it was a city like this, you ain't going to find shit. | ||
| But what if, just hear me out, what if it was covered with lava... | ||
| And you couldn't, and then they solidified it like Pompeii. | ||
| Cracked that bitch open, and we're rich! | ||
| We're rich! | ||
| Divers discover ancient Roman treasure trove and shipwreck. | ||
| 1600 year old shipwreck. | ||
|
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|
So there's still some stuff, but like the ship's gone. | |
| Look at the anchor, dude. | ||
| They found the anchor. | ||
| Go back to that anchor again. | ||
| You find little coins. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Is that the anchor? | ||
| Yeah, that's a long anchor. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| That is cool. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| They would throw a giant hunk of metal overboard and get it to snag. | ||
| So you don't move around. | ||
| And then they would hope that they'd be able to pick it up. | ||
| Look at that Roman coin. | ||
| Look at the rare bronze statue. | ||
| Holy shit, that's incredible. | ||
| You've been to Rome, right? | ||
| Yeah, just once. | ||
| Just last summer. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Two summers ago. | ||
| Last summer and... | ||
| It's pretty mind-blowing, isn't it? | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Life-changing. | ||
| The images are insane. | ||
| Look at all the stuff they're finding down there. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| That was a Statue of Liberty. | ||
| Why do we have a Statue of Liberty? | ||
| Get back to there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wait. | |
| It's a souvenir shop on 3rd Street. | ||
| Someone's fucking with us, man. | ||
| That's the goddamn Statue of Liberty. | ||
| That really is the Statue of Liberty. | ||
| Holy cow. | ||
| The French stole it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's about as close to the Statue of Liberty as you can get. | |
| She's just the same pose, just not holding the torch. | ||
| Well, look at the bottom of it. | ||
| It's like a horn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is it? | ||
| Do you drink out of that or something? | ||
| I think it's Poseidon. | ||
| Oh, what is it? | ||
| Yeah, what is it at the bottom, though? | ||
| It seems like it's got... | ||
| Doesn't it, Jamie, does it look like a horn? | ||
| Like a buffalo horn or some shit? | ||
| There's like an opening of some kind. | ||
| Yeah, like maybe you drank out of that. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aye, aye! | |
| Yeah, that's probably a handle. | ||
| Aye! | ||
| A handle? | ||
| I mean, if you flip it upside down, like the... | ||
| Could be. | ||
| To Poseidon. | ||
| But it's the wrong way. | ||
| It looks like a... | ||
| Like you would want to see her if it was on a handle. | ||
| You wouldn't want her facing the door. | ||
| It's a hood ornament. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's right. | ||
| It goes in the front of the car. | ||
| Oh yeah, one of them baller old Buicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were as big as a house. | |
| The kids that lived across the street from me were like maybe five years older, and that was their thing to do on Saturday nights. | ||
| If there were parties in the neighborhood with adults and stuff, they would go rip off everybody's hood ornaments. | ||
| Oh, assholes. | ||
| They had a whole box of like the big ornaments from the front and then like the names on them from the side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They would just take a screwdriver and go pick off people's hood ornaments. | |
| Kids are such dicks. | ||
| They're such dicks. | ||
| Kids are such dicks. | ||
| And when you give kids freedom and you let them go outside, they're like, I can go anywhere. | ||
| At night? | ||
| Let's ring that doorbell and run! | ||
| Go, go, go! | ||
| Little fucking gremlins out there. | ||
| Yeah, looking in your windows, throwing eggs at your house. | ||
| That's why people give them homework. | ||
| Do your homework. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you just let them be free. | ||
| You think it was a pipe? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think it was a pipe? | |
| Could be, yeah. | ||
| Huge pipe. | ||
| That's a big pipe. | ||
| Holy shit, they like to party. | ||
| There's an ancient Roman pipe right here. | ||
| I like to party. | ||
| That's an ancient Roman pipe? | ||
| Someone might have made it in the style of it. | ||
| Classical ancient Roman. | ||
| I don't know about all that, dude. | ||
| That's got a plastic mouth. | ||
| Isn't that like plastic? | ||
| Or is that carved out of wood? | ||
| That can't be ancient. | ||
| That's from Spencer Gifts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get that if you spend more than $100 at Forever 21. Bubbles come out of it. | |
| They're trying to encourage pipe smoking now that Trump's in office. | ||
| We're all trying to be pretentious. | ||
| I smoked a pipe recently on the podcast, a couple weeks ago. | ||
| That pipe right over there. | ||
| I was going to bring a cigar, but I didn't know if you could smoke a cigar in here. | ||
| Yeah, we could smoke a cigar in here. | ||
| You could? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Just turn on that filter thing and we could smoke a cigar. | ||
| I think we smoke cigars in here, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Let's do that next time. | ||
| I have a big thing of Cuban cigars. | ||
| Do you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you kill them when they were illegal or illegal? | ||
| Big shots. | ||
| Big shots, eh? | ||
| Big shots, eh? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Illegal. | ||
| Through a guy I know in Vegas. | ||
| It's not a big deal. | ||
| I know people. | ||
| I used to be able to get him. | ||
| Vegas was great. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| The fight was weird, though. | ||
| The main event, there was a lot of controversy. | ||
| People thought it was a boring fight. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was just not a lot of action happened. | ||
| It was a very tactical fight for most of the five rounds. | ||
| Then the fifth round, Tyron Woodley cracked him and almost had him out cold. | ||
| But was losing most of the round in a lot of people's eyes before then, so the scoring was really oddly. | ||
| It was really odd because a lot of people disagree with the score. | ||
| The score was for the champion, but the first fight they had was a draw. | ||
| And then a lot of people were like, well if that first fight was a draw, this fight was a draw too. | ||
| Including the guy I was commentating with, Dominic Cruz, a former Bantamweight champion. | ||
| So a lot of people felt disappointed. | ||
| When you're in that situation and you're broadcasting it, do you speak your mind? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Do you think it's weird? | ||
| Sometimes, but I didn't think in that case it was that weird. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I felt like... | ||
| I think the scoring system sucks. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Do you know anything about the scoring system? | ||
| No. | ||
| For MMA. We essentially took the boxing scoring system and adapted it to MMA. So it's a 10 point must system. | ||
| And it's very difficult to get a round to be scored 10-8. | ||
| And the problem with that is I don't think it leaves enough room for accurately judging all the events that take place in a five minute period of combat sports. | ||
| Because there's so many different interactions. | ||
| I think those interactions should probably be judged on their own merit. | ||
| There should be a way to quantify how much damage was done, whether or not it was the right thing to do. | ||
| And it should be probably a 100-point score system or something like that. | ||
| A lot more factors. | ||
| The difference between a 10-9 in one round and a 10-9 in another round, totally different fight. | ||
| One, the guy's getting dominated, and he's clearly losing, and the other one, it's a toss-up, and still they're both two 10-9 rounds. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Does it work for boxing because it's longer and it's just one set thing that you're doing? | ||
| Yeah, boxing is just one thing. | ||
| It's three minutes instead of five minutes. | ||
| You have more rounds, so there's more variables because there's 10-9 rounds. | ||
| Boxing, the 10-point must system works, and people like it. | ||
| Maybe it can be improved upon. | ||
| I'm not saying it couldn't be. | ||
| But for MMA, it's woefully inadequate. | ||
| So they've created an updated system, but Nevada hasn't adopted it yet. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| When you go to Vegas and you're gigging in like that... | ||
| When I'm gigging, daddy-o. | ||
| You're gigging. | ||
| Do you eat whatever you want? | ||
| Do you go a little crazy? | ||
| This weekend I ate spaghetti. | ||
| I had like linguine with clams. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| I ate a Cuban sandwich on Sunday night. | ||
| Yeah, I ate some shitty food. | ||
| I felt it today. | ||
| People are so tired of hearing people complain about... | ||
| Eating bad food and what it does to your body. | ||
| I think people have worn my welcome out with that subject. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Because I talk about it too much on my own, but I definitely indulge. | ||
| I had pizza on Sunday. | ||
| I had a lot of shitty food. | ||
| Yeah, no, because it's hard. | ||
| When you're on the road, it's difficult to not do it. | ||
| And once you break the seal when you're on the road, you're like, I'll just clean up when I get home. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Yeah, but I've been pretty consistent with my diet and pretty consistent with working out. | ||
| I was going to bring some bread today because I was experimenting with something and tried to make something different, and it was kind of a fail. | ||
| Not a total fail. | ||
| It still tasted good, but it didn't look that great. | ||
| And I was like, I was going to bring it by, and I was like, I don't think they're going to want to eat bread. | ||
| I think they're dialed in right now. | ||
| I'm trying to be dialed in right now. | ||
| I just think I'm going to give myself one day a week. | ||
| One day a week to fuck off. | ||
| And I'm not always going to take it. | ||
| I'm not always going to take that day. | ||
| Some days I'm like, I don't need it. | ||
| And don't go batshit crazy. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| And Aubrey Marcus, my good buddies, described this the best way. | ||
| He's like, what you're doing is, you're just for a few moments of mouth pleasure. | ||
| You're totally hijacking your body for the next day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if you're eating like an ice cream sundae and, you know, you drink a Coca-Cola with that and you have a cheeseburger and fries. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are hijacking your digestive system. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You just said, listen, I don't give a fuck what's good for me. | ||
| We're going to throw some groovy poison down there, and I'm going to get the shortest, I mean, like a few minutes of good feeling that doesn't come close to a lot of stuff that's legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Doesn't even come close. | ||
| Yeah, but some things kind of last. | ||
| Like when you've been thinking about fried chicken for a month or so, and then you get that fried chicken, it'll stick with you for a bit. | ||
| Do you think you should earn it? | ||
| Yeah, I think it should be special. | ||
| I think it's got to be like, you know, yeah. | ||
| You know what my all-time favorite cheat foods is? | ||
| Is Popeye's fried chicken with hot sauce. | ||
| Hot damn. | ||
| I take some fucking El Yucateca habanero sauce when it's cold. | ||
| I like it the next day even more than I like it the first. | ||
| Oh, better! | ||
| Yeah, and then dip it in the habanero sauce and just fucking gluten be damned. | ||
| You've got to put a nice potato with that. | ||
| Talk potatoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No fries on the side of that? | |
| I'm just going hard with fried chicken. | ||
| See, fried chicken is two food groups. | ||
| It's bread and it's chicken. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because all that crust on the outside. | ||
| And oil. | ||
| Yeah, plenty of oil. | ||
| I got fried chicken at this food festival the other day. | ||
| And I was like, ooh, I haven't had that in a long time. | ||
| And it wasn't that great. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| You know what the best chicken is in California? | ||
| No. | ||
| Roscoe's. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| The best chicken. | ||
| Maybe it's just, in my eyes, maybe it's just the combination. | ||
| The combination of the chicken and the waffles together. | ||
| And the waffles and syrup. | ||
| Yeah, and collard greens. | ||
| There's something about collard greens on the side. | ||
| There's a place in Studio City called Uncle Andre's. | ||
| And it's a barbecue place, tiny little place, one dude just in the back making this stuff forever. | ||
| It looks like they took him out of Alabama in the woods, and he's just kick-ass, makes him incredible. | ||
| His collard greens are insane. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| Because when someone does it really well, like at a really good barbecue place, and it's like dripping when you pull it out of the box. | ||
| Yes, a little, yeah, a little liquid coming off it. | ||
| It's good stuff. | ||
| It's a delicious vegetable. | ||
| And it's not like a well-used one. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| Well, anything green, essentially, is good for you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They say that bok choy is something that people are really getting into now for its health benefits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Bok choy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what to do with that. | ||
| I'm a kale freak, man. | ||
| I love kale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Makes me feel good. | ||
| Kale does make you feel good. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| There's this place called Blossom in New York, and it had this total kale dish. | ||
| And it was a lot of it. | ||
| And you just ate the whole thing and then you walk out, you feel better than when you walked in the restaurant. | ||
| And you shit like a lumber accident on a river. | ||
| Like a fucking lumber ship hit a rock. | ||
| You want to take pictures and send it to your friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're losing our cargo. | |
| I'm proud of you, little buddy. | ||
| What was that scene in Dumb and Dumber where he's holding on while he's taking a shit? | ||
| He's getting launched into the air, literally. | ||
| Sometimes you just want to take a picture and share it with your friends. | ||
| There's something about shit jokes, man. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Ari Shaffir had to get rid of his agent or his manager, one of the two, because they told him to stop. | ||
| Oh, there it is right there. | ||
| Jamie found the scene. | ||
| Why is that so funny? | ||
| I'm such a child. | ||
| I'm such a child. | ||
| It's a primal thing. | ||
| But Ari had this great joke about, and it actually was a real thing that happened when he and I worked together. | ||
| He had to go over this bridge, and it was a long-ass bridge in Sydney, Australia, and as he was halfway over the bridge, he had to shit himself. | ||
| And it takes forever to get to the other side. | ||
| I mean, it's just, he's stuck. | ||
| And so his manager was like, you shouldn't do that. | ||
| It's a shit joke. | ||
| And, I mean, this joke... | ||
| Oh, he had it in his act. | ||
| The joke killed. | ||
| It killed. | ||
| He was closing with it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And his manager was telling him he shouldn't do it because it's a shit joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, yeah, we're not going to be working. | |
| We can't do this. | ||
| You can't tell me what to do. | ||
| We can't do this. | ||
| Meanwhile, I was just laughing at it. | ||
| I came to tell him. | ||
| I go, dude, that joke is so funny. | ||
| It's so funny that you're telling that story, and it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I just had to fire my manager. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, he told me to stop doing it. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I go, get the fuck out of here! | ||
| There's no way! | ||
| Because it was a joke about a guy who had to take a shit, but it wasn't just... | ||
| It was a, it was just a real, it was a real story. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And that concept is a real part of life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, it's not just, but there's people that think, like, there's toilet humor, and there was a thing that, like, in the 1960s and the 70s, you know, someone like Lenny Bruce came along, oh, he's doing toilet humor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Look, if it's coming out of somebody and all they have is that and there's nothing. | ||
| If it's coming from Ari, you're like, he's a funny comedian. | ||
| And it's just a subject. | ||
| It's just a real subject. | ||
| I was talking about how it's hard to be a human being. | ||
| And I had this run. | ||
| And I said, have you ever fart so loud in your sleep that you wake yourself up? | ||
| And... | ||
| I was like, wow, this is so bass. | ||
| Like, I don't normally have talk like that in my act. | ||
| And it's just so fun to talk about. | ||
| And the girls just get hysterical in the audience because they do. | ||
| It's just too much fun to talk about. | ||
| Why else are we here? | ||
| We're supposed to enjoy ourselves. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I can't be like, no. | ||
| I mean, I'm not going to do it on Colbert, but, you know, it's fun to do at Ice House. | ||
| I mean, it is a thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's a thing that you should certainly use it sparingly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you're going to describe it and talk about it, like, is this guy obsessed with shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, exactly. | |
| The FBI sees your computer, Jesus, look at his bookmarks! | ||
| Oh, God! | ||
| I accidentally, somebody fucking retweeted a scat page. | ||
| There's a scat Twitter page. | ||
| Somebody retweeted it, and I was like, why is this on my feed? | ||
| It was some dude with his giant, hairy, fat, overweight ass hunched over this woman's face and just shitting in her mouth while people were pulling the shit out of his ass and rubbing it on her face. | ||
| I was like, this is on Twitter, but Milo's not? | ||
| You guys banned Milo Yiannopoulos and this is... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's terrible. | ||
| I'm like, what in the fuck am I looking at? | ||
| Ay yi yi. | ||
| Like, how was that? | ||
| And also, there's a lot of porn on Twitter. | ||
| Is there really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, full hardcore. | ||
| I don't read the Twitter feed anymore. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| I'll read mentions for fans that want to talk about stuff, but I don't scroll through everybody else. | ||
| No, it's just... | ||
| Well, yes. | ||
| It just got too much. | ||
| It was overwhelming. | ||
| I'd rather just talk to people about bread recipes and... | ||
| Well, there's too much information. | ||
| And for sure, we're definitely suffering from an overload of information. | ||
| I just feel better because it's just too much to go through. | ||
| Instagram is good. | ||
| You see a couple pictures of your friends. | ||
| I feel like if something really crazy is happening, someone will text me. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Something really crazy. | ||
| Like Arian Foster, the guy who's coming tomorrow, who thinks he can kill a wolf with his hands. | ||
| He's going to be on the podcast tomorrow. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Former NFL player. | ||
| Has he done it? | ||
| No, he never has killed a wolf with his hands. | ||
| By the way, no one's killed a wolf with their hands. | ||
| Well, he's just a giant super athlete. | ||
| He said if he gets a hold of its neck, it'll be donezo. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not entirely sure he understands. | ||
| How big that neck is. | ||
| Well, I don't think he understands how fast those things move, how vicious they are. | ||
| They have a bite that's five times harder than a pit bull's. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I joined the wolf movement when I was in college. | ||
| It was around the time I was saving the wolves because the numbers had gotten so low. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This was like 89, 88. So that was before the Yellowstone reintroduction? | |
| Yes, it was all part of that. | ||
| And everyone's just pouring money and effort into talking about it and stuff. | ||
| And we and my friends were so into wolves. | ||
| We'd watch wolf videos, wolf packs. | ||
| We loved the packs and how they would hunt and go around different things. | ||
| And now the wolf is dominant again. | ||
| It's kind of exploded. | ||
| It's become a little bit of a problem, right? | ||
| In some areas, but in most areas, they think it's healthy. | ||
| It is good. | ||
| Yeah, they think it's healthy in Yellowstone. | ||
| People are upset that live on the outside of it because they weren't given a say, and there's a lot of wolves now. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| And as long as the elk populations are high and they manage the wolf populations, that's where it gets squirrely. | ||
| Some people don't want anyone to kill wolves. | ||
| Like, and you say, well, why would you kill a wolf, man? | ||
| The problem is, well, if you get, if they get overpopulated, you have a real problem. | ||
| Like, I agree, they're beautiful. | ||
| And I think they're amazing. | ||
| They're probably like, if I had like one animal that I would be like most psyched to see in the wild, it would be a wolf. | ||
| I think they're incredible. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I'm fascinated by them. | ||
| But I'm also really aware of what the consequences are if there's too many of them. | ||
| They'll eat people. | ||
| They definitely eat people. | ||
| They've eaten people many times in the past. | ||
| They eat dogs. | ||
| There's some pictures that someone sent me. | ||
| His buddies in Kazakhstan had three dogs killed in a night by wolves, and they ate the dogs. | ||
| They have pictures of the remains of these dogs. | ||
| They're bitten in half, like the lower abdomen. | ||
| You could see everything from the shoulders up, like the dog's head, the dog's arms, and then everything back there is gone. | ||
| They cut it in half. | ||
| Geez. | ||
| The amount of power they generate in their jaws is insane. | ||
| And they don't look at dogs like their buddies. | ||
| They look at dogs like prey. | ||
| And they'll look at people like prey, too. | ||
| If they don't think that you're dangerous... | ||
| They'll get you. | ||
| They'll get you. | ||
| There's coyotes all around us. | ||
| They'll get you, too, if it gets real bad. | ||
| Yeah, we know someone who... | ||
| The coyote went in the house and got the dog. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, a little dog. | ||
| Went in, got it, and took off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Ow! | ||
| Dude, they're scary. | ||
| Yeah, they're scary. | ||
| Who has a stronger bite, a wolf or a bear? | ||
| Grizzly bear. | ||
| A grizzly bear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| No. | ||
| A real, like, if you're talking like a Kodiak Island grizzly bear, that's the biggest they get. | ||
| They're not really a grizzly. | ||
| Grizzlies, um, there's two bears, right? | ||
| There's a brown bear and a grizzly bear. | ||
| And the grizzly bear is the interior bear. | ||
| That's the bear that you find in, like, the Rocky Mountains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's a grizzly bear. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's the bear you'll find in Montana. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the coastal bears are even bigger. | ||
| And that's what they had to kill in California. | ||
| You know, our state flag has a brown bear on it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that brown bear, that's the difference between brown and grizzly. | ||
| Same animal. | ||
| But one of them lives interior and it's much more aggressive, by the way. | ||
| The grizzly is much scarier than the coastal bear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because the coastal bear gets plenty of food. | ||
| That's why they're so big. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And the other one's hungry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, so coastal bears are enormous. | ||
| I mean, enormous. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the biggest ones on the planet that are brown bears, the biggest bears on the planet right now are polar bears. | ||
| Polar bears. | ||
| But the brown bears on Kodiak Island, I think they get to close to 2,000 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, find out what's the biggest brown bear ever shot on Kodiak Island. | ||
| I think it might be close to 12 feet tall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I think it might be in the neighborhood of 1,800 to 2,000 pounds. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| I told you that time when I was hiking in Alaska and I was close to a bear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Accidentally? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Girl or a boy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Black or brown? | ||
| It was kind of tan. | ||
| Tan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, probably... | ||
| It was in Alaska, like... | ||
| Probably a black bear. | ||
| They have the color-faced black bears that can actually look blonde. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was big. | |
| It looked like the size of a minivan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| So it was probably a grizzly then. | ||
| It was big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So really big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was just coming through the weeds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| How far away were you? | ||
| We were in the backcountry. | ||
| We were out there. | ||
| Like miles in. | ||
| Miles in. | ||
| Yeah, like overnight for like a week. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, Tom Papa. | ||
| And it was reeds. | ||
| Like as tall as me. | ||
| Like a whole field of those reeds. | ||
| And we just saw the reeds just parting like 50 feet away. | ||
| Like whoosh. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I'm with like five other people and you're not supposed to run when you see a bear. | ||
| You're supposed to freeze. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody took off. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| With their backpacks. | ||
| They just got so scared. | ||
| And me and my one friend froze and then saw them running and we went to bat. | ||
| We were like kind of in between the instinct of what to do. | ||
| The bear was like where the corner of that room is and just was it was late September. | ||
| It was full. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| It was going way down to get the last berries like way down low and uh It didn't care about us at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just... | |
| But you realize, like, in a split second, if this guy decides, this is a whole different story. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They can move so fast. | ||
| So fast. | ||
| Okay, the biggest brown bear, the world record, was bagged by Roy... | ||
| I like how they say bagged. | ||
| How about, just say killed. | ||
| Roy Lindsley... | ||
| In 1952, 30, 12, 16, I don't know what that means, the score, largest scoring. | ||
| We're at the size of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, it doesn't say. | |
| 30 feet long. | ||
| Yeah, just scroll down, scroll down. | ||
| No, it's definitely not 30 feet long. | ||
| 12 feet long. | ||
| No, I think, no, they're actually measuring the skull, I think. | ||
| A cups. | ||
| I think they're measuring the skull and then 16, who knows what that is, maybe it's the length. | ||
| I was trying to find out what that meant on here. | ||
| I didn't really see anything. | ||
| Just look up how big or how much does the biggest Kodiak bear weigh. | ||
| Just Google that. | ||
| It says it weighed more than half a ton. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's a big bear. | ||
| It says commonly weigh more than half a ton. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's just a thousand pounds, yeah. | ||
| I hate this website. | ||
| This website blows, bro. | ||
| This is the worst bear website ever! | ||
| Ever. | ||
| I think that's like one of them hunter websites, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Bear's my favorite animal, though. | ||
| Outdoorhub.com. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's like... | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Oh my God, that can't be real. | ||
| The size of that thing. | ||
| 1,000 to 1,200 pounds can weigh up to 1,500 pounds when conditions are right. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Look at the size of that head. | ||
| Oh, it's real. | ||
| That's real? | ||
| Yeah, it's perspective, though. | ||
| The guy's behind it. | ||
| He's, like, hiding out, like, three feet behind the barrel. | ||
| Like, look, I killed it. | ||
| It's so big and I'm so little. | ||
| This is the skull. | ||
| It was such a big fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a hippo. | |
| I threw a rock at him, and then with a stick. | ||
| Look at that direwolf skull. | ||
| This is what a dork I am. | ||
| I recognize that. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Is that a dinosaur? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one? | |
| That's a dinosaur. | ||
| No, it says mammals. | ||
| What is that animal? | ||
| Is that a direwolf? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Look at those teeth, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Ooh, it looks like my dog. | ||
| Good lord, look at those fucking teeth. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Uh, Visit Paige! | ||
| What the fuck animal is that? | ||
| I think it was a parakeet. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says the hell pig. | |
| Hell pig! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| The hell pig! | ||
| I just found out about this thing a week ago. | ||
| I never heard of a hell pig. | ||
| Click on that motherfucker, please. | ||
| I'm learning new things! | ||
| This was apparently like a super predator giant pig. | ||
| I mean, fucking huge. | ||
| There was an article, like, really recently, like, within the last couple of days on it, that I saw online, where they were saying, thank God the hell pig gets extinct, or something like that. | ||
| But it was fucking huge. | ||
| It was a huge animal. | ||
| They haven't seen my family on Thanksgiving. | ||
| Hello! | ||
| Hell pig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Facts about the giant killer pigs. | ||
| Look at the face on that fucking thing. | ||
| Look at its haunches. | ||
| It's like a bull. | ||
| It's like a bull. | ||
| Horse. | ||
| Fucked a horse that fucked a wolf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a bull, horse, wolf thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got a wolf face. | ||
| Like a tank of a face. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Imagine that thing running at your family. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| It says they're closer to hippos and whales. | ||
| You push the smallest one into it and run. | ||
| Dude, evolution scares the fuck out of me. | ||
| Closest to hippos and whales. | ||
| We're here definitely at a good time. | ||
| A hippo-whale thing that was huge. | ||
| I mean, they were a hippo size, too. | ||
| And I think this was... | ||
| Correct me if I'm wrong. | ||
| Where did this thing live? | ||
| It lived around people, right? | ||
| Joe, would you rather live in a world where... | ||
| Oh, 2,000 pounds. | ||
| Where all of nature's being decimated and we're drilling in national parks and it's really bleak, like everything's concrete, or... | ||
| Would you like to live in a time like this where hell pigs are running around and you had to fight for your life the whole time? | ||
| Depends on what you mean. | ||
| If I had to live back then with the weapons they had back then, because what year is this that this was going down? | ||
| These were primitive people. | ||
| When did this thing exist? | ||
| 19 to 16 million years ago. | ||
| Okay, so there's no people at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| No, let's put them in modern day. | ||
| So if there was an animal back then that was like us, it's past the big impact, the Yucatan impact. | ||
| So that's 65 million years ago. | ||
| So those are probably like weird monkey people back then, you know? | ||
| They were fucked. | ||
| Let's update it. | ||
| Let's say the EPA has granted all of the things I wanted to be able to do, and the place is just crazy with animals. | ||
| But we have hell pigs everywhere? | ||
| Hell pigs in your garbage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, that's where people are gonna be- You gotta buy hell pig guards and stuff like that. | |
| People are going to be happy that there's people that know how to hunt. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because if there really are hell pigs, and they really do become a problem, look, the only thing that's keeping wolf populations down is hunters, and when they don't have that, you know what they do in Alaska? | ||
| They get in airplanes, they fly over them, they shoot them from the sky. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They find the packs, they locate them, and they swoop down and shoot at them. | ||
| They kill too many caribou, or they kill too many moose. | ||
| What would happen if they didn't do that? | ||
| They would get overwhelmed. | ||
| They would have massive populations of them, like they have in Siberia. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In Siberia, a few years ago, they were having these super packs of wolves, because it was a particularly horrible winter, and they would have, like, a hundred wolves would get together so they could take out horses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they would go into these barns, and then, you know, imagine you're hanging out in your house, and your barn is next door, and there's a hundred wolves tearing all the horses apart. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| A hundred wolves. | ||
| So, it's okay if we... | ||
| Kill a couple things. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| It's survival. | ||
| Well, if you don't, they're going to get to the point where they were with the Russians in World War I. The Russians and the Germans in World War I, so many of them were killed by wolves that they had a ceasefire. | ||
| What? | ||
| And they decided to kill wolves. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they went back to killing each other after they figured out how many, you know, they sorted it out and killed a ton of wolves. | ||
| And this friend that's coming tomorrow says he can kill one with his hands? | ||
| He believes he can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Seems incorrect. | ||
| I just think people have this thing in their head that a wolf is like a dog. | ||
| You could probably kill a dog if he's a giant dude and the dog doesn't bite him in the right spot and he can get a hold of its neck. | ||
| He might be able to kill a dog. | ||
| I could kill a dog. | ||
| I bet you might be able to kill some dogs. | ||
| My lab? | ||
| Yeah, which depends. | ||
| Lab puppy? | ||
| Do you have a knife with you when this is going down? | ||
| Bare hands. | ||
| Choke it out. | ||
| Not easy. | ||
| Not easy. | ||
| Not easy to kill an animal with your hands. | ||
| You suffocate it. | ||
| Yeah, might not. | ||
| Put it in a choker hold. | ||
| It's going to be very hard to do. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Very hard. | ||
| A dog? | ||
| Yeah, very hard. | ||
| Have you seen my hands? | ||
| You have giant hands. | ||
| Like a massive, massive football player, man. | ||
| If you learn no jujitsu and you can get its back and you can sink the choke in, like a real proper rear naked choke, you might be able to kill it. | ||
| But I would think you would put its sleeve and then stomp its head. | ||
| That would be the move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta wear boots if you're going dog hunting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's like an animal that we've chosen to take in. | ||
| This is our animal. | ||
| You can't eat them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Can't. | ||
| But if you go to China, they have a whole festival. | ||
| You can eat dogs just like pigs. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I mean, they're supposed to be not as smart as pigs. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| My dog is definitely not as smart as a pig. | ||
| My dog's an idiot. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| She's fun. | ||
| We just got her. | ||
| She's great, but not bright. | ||
| Do you remember when people were having pigs for pets? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was like a thing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Everyone had potbell- Not everyone, but- A lot of people. | ||
| Yeah, potbelly pigs. | ||
| What happened to all those pigs? | ||
| I bet they're not doing that great right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bacon. | |
| Old, farting in the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Ugh, it's a pig. | ||
| Barely hanging on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what do they do with those pigs? | ||
| You bring them outside and just let them go. | ||
| What do you do with those pigs? | ||
| My dog got picked up from Bakersfield. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| A lot of people dump dogs in Bakersfield. | ||
| Why Bakersfield? | ||
| Because it's open and you can just pull off the highway and throw a tennis ball and keep going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, asshole. | |
| Is that terrible? | ||
| God, people are assholes. | ||
| Aren't they the worst? | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| It really is so sad. | ||
| I could not imagine. | ||
| I mean, sometimes I get mad at my dog, but not to the point of driving it somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, well, you hear those stories about someone chucking a bag of puppies out their car window, and you're like, wait, what? | ||
| Yeah, my dog was a puppy. | ||
| That might have happened. | ||
| Yeah, just a whole bag of puppies. | ||
| You couldn't do something else. | ||
| That's just dumb and lazy. | ||
| You couldn't walk into a shelter and be like, here's some puppies for you. | ||
| What's worse than dumb and lazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so fucking callous. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, how do you not... | ||
| If you look at a puppy, you don't get excited. | ||
| Like, aww, there's nobody. | ||
| Well, that's how they know you're a psychopath, right? | ||
| When you're a kid, it was always the kid that would torture animals. | ||
| They were concerned about that kid. | ||
| There was a kid in my class who tied a bird up once. | ||
| No, a cat. | ||
| Tied a cat like Spread Eagle and went to town on it. | ||
| Yeah, he went away for a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he was weird. | ||
| He was doing weird stuff all the time. | ||
| And then the cat story got around, and they're like, all right, someone's got to do something with this guy. | ||
| He's getting weird. | ||
| Because that's a sign that you'll hurt human beings. | ||
| You're missing an empathy that makes you able to kill things. | ||
| I don't know if you were around back then, but there was someone in the... | ||
| Man, I want to say like the early 2000s, maybe. | ||
| Maybe like even before that, like maybe late 90s. | ||
| Someone was killing cats in Hollywood. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I don't know if they ever caught the guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And by the way, note how I said guy, because I'm sexist. | ||
| And I know that most people that kill cats are fucking guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this guy was killing cats and cutting them open and like, you know, like gutting them and shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Almost like he was doing science projects on them, like spreading them open, pulling their guts out. | ||
| Yeah, and people would come outside and they would find their cat, not just dead, but dead and surgically cut open and pulled apart. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it was scary. | ||
| That's a guy you want to feed to a wolf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some people were speculating, though, that they were wrong, and that it was really coyotes were getting these dogs. | ||
| Well, you know what else does that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Guts cats and leaves them raccoons. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, my neighbor's cat was killed like a raccoon that way, and they don't eat it. | ||
| They just kill it and gutted it. | ||
| Well, raccoons are predators. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Raccoons try to get into my chickens. | ||
| There was a raccoon the other night trying to get at my chickens. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he wouldn't even fucking leave, man. | ||
| They're hardcore. | ||
| I was trying to scare him. | ||
| No? | ||
| I was trying to scare him. | ||
| I was like, bitch, you better get the fuck away from here. | ||
| And he just looked at me. | ||
| And I got closer to him, and he got closer to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was like, oh my god, I will fucking get a bow and arrow, and I will kill you if you kill my chickens, you cunty fucking raccoon. | ||
| Because these chickens are like, they're pets. | ||
| And they're pets that live outside. | ||
| This fucking guy was hanging around by the cage, looking right at the chickens, trying to figure out how to get at them. | ||
| He'll figure it out, too. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| Well, he'll come back. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Take them out. | ||
| They're vicious. | ||
| Are you allowed to? | ||
| How's that work? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I would have to check what the laws are. | ||
| I think if it's on your property... | ||
| Are you allowed to kill raccoons? | ||
| I bet you're not just allowed to just kill them. | ||
| What, you gotta call someone and have them trap them? | ||
| Well, first of all, I have to make sure he's in a place where I can actually hit him with an arrow, ethically. | ||
| Like, I have to be able to actually make sure there's nothing behind him. | ||
| You know, I don't want to miss and have an arrow go through my neighbor's window. | ||
| Because I'm playing Robin Hood in my backyard with a fucking raccoon. | ||
| But you're good. | ||
| You know what you're doing, don't you? | ||
| I do, but you want to make sure there's nothing behind. | ||
| So he would have to be in an area of my yard where I would shoot a target. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Where there's a back wall. | ||
| You'd have to be somewhere where I could... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the arrows you used to go after elk, would it go right through a raccoon? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| An elk is so big. | ||
| It would go right through the raccoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Elks, that's a thousand pound animal. | ||
| The raccoon would be like, what was that? | ||
| Elk have these huge bones, man. | ||
| Those arrows just blow right through those bones. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The only thing they have a hard time going through is the really thick, big ones, like shoulder bones, scapula sometimes, like if your bow is not that powerful. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But like ribs, all the time you get what's called a pass-through, whereas the arrow goes completely through the animal before it even knows what happened. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Because it happened so quick. | ||
| It's just like one second, plop! | ||
| They don't even know what hit them. | ||
| That's force. | ||
| That would rip a raccoon in half. | ||
| Because bows today are... | ||
| Yeah, that's intense. | ||
| They have all this mechanical advantage because of the cams. | ||
| So compound bows are on these cams that roll over and they can generate way more force than just the amount you're pulling back. | ||
| So if you had an old school Robin Hood recurve bow, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those bows, the more you pull them back, the harder it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's like you're stretching and pulling that wood and then twang, you let it go and the arrow takes off. | ||
| But with a compound bow, they're on these cams. | ||
| So as you pull it back, that's happening. | ||
| You have these thick carbon fiber or fiberglass Limbs that are pulling back and holding tremendous amounts of energy. | ||
| And then you have these cams that roll over that impart a mechanical advantage on the whole system. | ||
| And then as you pull it back, the cams allow it to be light at the end. | ||
| So if my bow takes 84 pounds to pull back, at the end, it's only like 10 or 20% of that. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So I'm holding it with like 20% of the amount of energy that it takes to pull it back. | ||
| So it's not hard to hold on to. | ||
| And then when you let the arrow go, It's flying like 290 feet a second. | ||
| Holy cow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's go get raccoons! | ||
| And it weighs, the arrows weigh, what's 500 grams? | ||
| How much is 500 grams in like a pound? | ||
| How many grams are in an ounce? | ||
| 500 grams. | ||
| What would that be? | ||
| Because you say 500 grams, it doesn't seem to make sense. | ||
| Like what is, that doesn't make sense to me. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| That's like a pound and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
1.1 pounds. | |
| 1.1 pounds. | ||
| So the arrow's a pound. | ||
| So one pound arrow is going 290 feet a second and it's got a razor blade at the front of it. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Yeah, a razor blade's designed to penetrate rib bones with a chisel tip to it. | ||
| Now what if you just threw a hammer at the raccoon? | ||
| You might kill it, or you might just hurt him, and then that's probably even worse. | ||
| You wound him, and he's walking around with a broken leg or something. | ||
| You know what you gotta consider? | ||
| As you're sitting there talking to that raccoon, and he's like pretending to come up on you, there's probably two raccoons flanked on either side, eyeballing you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think they operate like that? | |
| They're like wolves? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You think so? | ||
| I bet that, yeah. | ||
| Maybe that's why he's so confident. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're crafty. | |
| They're crafty. | ||
| Dude, I was telling him, hey man, fuck off, and he moved closer to me. | ||
| He's like, don't you see my boys? | ||
| He's just looking at me. | ||
| I mean, he's looking right at me, and he was circling from my side, and I was like, this is crazy. | ||
| He's getting closer to me. | ||
| Holy cow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not afraid. | ||
| Dude, he wasn't afraid of me at all. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Look, I don't want... | ||
| Anything bad to happen to the raccoon? | ||
| I just don't want them to eat my chickens. | ||
| Mine were rolling up the grass and eating bugs underneath. | ||
| I'd come out and my grass would just be rolled over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're so clever. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They have little hands. | ||
| They've got little busy hands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's such a weird relationship that we have with these things because if you raise them from the time they're pets, apparently they make these amazing pets. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, if you can catch a raccoon when he's really young and you... | ||
| You can domesticate him. | ||
| You can domesticate him and, you know, the problem with animals becomes survival. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Survival, once food is scarce and once they have to struggle for it, they will adopt a wild, feral mindset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And those are dangerous animals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whether they're cats or dogs or they're not the same. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So our ideas about animals, like for a lot of people that really truly love animals, you're talking about these domesticated weirdo animals that aren't even animal-like in any way. | ||
| They're barely animal-like. | ||
| My friend who worked on a farm grew up with pigs, cows, the whole thing, and was just like... | ||
| She had no sympathy for me. | ||
| It wasn't like, we have to be kind to all these animals. | ||
| She goes, they're big and dumb and smelly. | ||
| And she just grew up with them. | ||
| See, I feel like that's kind of fucked up too, right? | ||
| It seems like it when you're not related to it. | ||
| But the reality is that there were hell pigs just going crazy. | ||
| And we had to survive, so we had to pave it and put in Jamba Juice. | ||
| But I think you need those people that are like the crazy, diehard animal activists. | ||
| Otherwise, there would be nothing. | ||
| I just want to save the parks. | ||
| Just leave Yosemite alone. | ||
| Yeah, they're going to leave it alone. | ||
| They're not doing anything to that. | ||
| The one guy, Zink, what's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zinky? | |
| Yeah, he seems pretty decent. | ||
| Well, he's also a big supporter of keeping public lands public and not selling them to the states. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The way it works, it's been explained to me by Steve Rinella and some other people, but the way it works is that we have all this land that's federal land, and you can go on it, you could hunt, you could fish, you could camp, you could go. | ||
| It's literally our land, right? | ||
| But if you sell it to the state, if the state has a financial burden, they'll sell it off to private corporations. | ||
| So that's the danger. | ||
| The danger is the state will come upon dire times and will be forced to sell it off. | ||
| But the federal government, they can't do that. | ||
| So as long as the people don't vote to make it the property of the state, you're okay. | ||
| It stays in the federal trust. | ||
| And if it's in the federal trust, it's managed the way it's been managed since Teddy Roosevelt was around. | ||
| So we figured out a way to do it where as of right now They they get leasing rights for like minerals and for cattle and stuff like that That's right Bundy ranch thing was about right those guys up in Oregon. | ||
| Yeah, but the but what Pruitt is his big push is to make thing Give all the power back to the states. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a that's a gateway that is a gateway to privatization of There's a hotly contested bill that was in the house, HR 621, by this guy Jason Chavitz. | ||
| And if you want to hear him talking to my friend Cameron Haynes on Cameron's most recent podcast, he flew to DC to talk to him. | ||
| The guy withdrew H.R. 621, which is turning over 3 million acres of land to the state, which the state could then do with whatever they want. | ||
| And the problem with that is it's a slippery slope and it eventually leads to privatization of a lot of those lands. | ||
| And especially people are scared of that with Republicans in power, especially when you see that they've lessened the EPA and all the different things they're doing. | ||
| Aggressively. | ||
| You were just talking about the environmental satellites. | ||
| All that stuff scares the shit out of people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then the next one would... | ||
| He's got HR 622, which people are also opposed to because it would be about turning over the... | ||
| Policing of those lands and the law enforcement, turning it over to the state and taking it out of federal hands, Bureau of Land Management and stuff like that, park rangers and stuff like that. | ||
| they wanted to do to local sheriffs but and then they would allocate money specifically for that but people think that's a slippery slope to right they don't know what they're doing and except it sets it up for hey these people don't know what they're doing we need to go back and you know sell this land right because if we do that then we won't be responsible for maintaining it and in a private group in yes this is this is what Ranallo believes is going on and the guy Jason Chaffetz he disagreed and he has his point of view which I don't know if he's right or wrong Just leave them alone. | ||
| Just the parks. | ||
| Just that. | ||
| Can you just leave that alone? | ||
| Well, it's a super rare thing we have, and it's really gorgeous. | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| It literally changed my life. | ||
| When I started in college, going backcountry with my buddies, we would just get packs. | ||
| We didn't know what we were doing in the beginning. | ||
| We literally were carrying gear in army sacks. | ||
| And we would just go into the back of Yosemite for a week and a half. | ||
| And Denver and Montana and Wyoming. | ||
| Those were life-changing experiences. | ||
| Just to sit behind the Grand Tetons in this land, it does something to you. | ||
| It changes you. | ||
| to think that you're going to sit there and there's going to be a backhoe digging something up to look for some oil that might be under sulfur. | ||
| But you know that sound that you hear when those oil things are going ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting That's a weird sound. | ||
| It's a nightmare sound. | ||
| You're like, whoa. | ||
| It's a nightmare. | ||
| Yeah, just leave that alone. | ||
| But it's so crazy that we operate on the blood of the earth. | ||
| I mean, that's really what oil is. | ||
| Oil is like the blood of the earth. | ||
| We're like these giant mosquitoes that are using machines to suck the blood out of the earth. | ||
| And then what we do with that blood, we take it and we pollute the air with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what we do. | |
| We burn it. | ||
| We light it on fire and we have these engines that are essentially controlled explosions contained in steel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And inside you have this blood that's boiling and burning and fire and explosions are going off inside this steel box, this iron box. | ||
| And we're driving around spitting out terrible poison gas. | ||
| The worst. | ||
| What a weird thing. | ||
| Yeah, totally weird thing. | ||
| And we don't need it anymore. | ||
| Well, when you go by a factory, like a New Jersey factory, and you see those fucking plumes of smoke blowing up into the air, you're like, how are you allowed to do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How are you allowed to do that? | ||
| Would you be allowed to blow that right on a baby's bed? | ||
| I was driving down the New Jersey turnpike in college. | ||
| I was working for a fireplace company. | ||
| We were on the turnpike in the summer, like August. | ||
| No air conditioning in the truck. | ||
| Sitting there, the whole area's air was orange. | ||
| It was orange, just coming out of those smokes. | ||
| I was like, if I ever get cancer, this is the day. | ||
| This is the day it happened. | ||
| I remember these places you would go by where it just stunk. | ||
| Here's the thing, my parents, and this is not just factories, it's also farms, this is like one of the biggest producers of methane pollution in the country is the cattle industry. | ||
| And when I used to, my parents used to live in Pennsylvania, they used to live Where the fuck were they? | ||
| Outside of Wilkesbury. | ||
| I forget the name of the town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But it was in nowhere Pennsylvania, right? | ||
| So you used to drive through. | ||
| Well, when you think of Pennsylvania, you think of Philadelphia or Pittsburgh. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But there's a lot of Pennsylvania where you're just going 30 miles an hour so you don't slam into a deer. | ||
| Some messed up deer is darting onto the highway. | ||
| You're like, what in the fuck kind of place is this? | ||
| My parents had deer in their yard every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They hated deer. | ||
| Deer like eating roses and like, get those cunty fucking animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And anyway, when you would drive down there, you would go past these farms and the smell was so bad. | ||
| You could not believe that people could live there. | ||
| The smell, because it was in the summer when I was visiting them. | ||
| It would smell like that all the time. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| But it was hot, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it was hot, funky, shit smell. | ||
| And it was everywhere. | ||
| Just the air you were breathing was shit particle air. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I drove past the Hormel factory in the summer once. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| First of all, there's a whole bunch of pigs and stuff here behind these trucks on the way there. | ||
| And then it was like, where are they going? | ||
| And then you just see in the background this giant Hormel plant. | ||
| The smell in the summertime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| But we have so many faces to feed. | ||
| There are so many mouths. | ||
| There's so many beings walking around right now getting hungry. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They're all getting hungry. | ||
| And they've all got to be fed. | ||
| So it's like, what's the solution? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| They're all hungry. | ||
| They're going to get hungry in another three hours. | ||
| They're going to crap it out. | ||
| And then they're going to eat again. | ||
| We are the zombies. | ||
| We're the zombies running around needing to feed constantly. | ||
| If you want to be able to pull into that Wendy's drive-thru and get that double cheeseburger at one o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Someone's got to pay. | ||
| I mean, you can go to the Wendy's drive-thru at 1 a.m. | ||
| and almost instantly get a cheeseburger. | ||
| Beef. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ground animal sandwich. | ||
| You don't have to feed it. | ||
| You don't have to shoot it. | ||
| You don't have to cut it up. | ||
| You don't have to grind it. | ||
| You don't have to cook it. | ||
| You don't have to find a bun. | ||
| Right in your face. | ||
| Right in your face. | ||
| And it costs like, what, four bucks or something? | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| And then, boom, you're full. | ||
| And then you're on your merry way. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| And it's millions, billions of people are doing that. | ||
| Billions. | ||
| Yeah, and that's the only way you can have a city. | ||
| You can't have a city where everybody's growing things. | ||
| There's not enough food. | ||
| There's no way! | ||
| How could you feed, like, if people were eating meat in particular? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can't do it. | |
| Even if they're eating vegetables. | ||
| Could you imagine if New York City had to be self-sustaining? | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| I was looking just for a farm-to-table steakhouse in New York. | ||
| They don't have them? | ||
| They don't have them. | ||
| Nobody can provide that grass-fed beef to one restaurant. | ||
| One New York restaurant is going to go through so much meat in one night. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Just one restaurant. | ||
| When you go there, like, I only go there once or twice a year, but every time I go there, I go, oh, yeah. | ||
| I forgot how crazy this place is. | ||
| Like, this doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And then I was looking at the map yesterday. | ||
| I was looking at Lyme disease centers. | ||
| Lyme disease is goddamn scary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| And there's a Lyme disease map. | ||
| And the Lyme disease map is fascinating because it's like a giant percentage of it is like Massachusetts, New York, the East Coast. | ||
| The East Coast just overwhelmed with Lyme disease. | ||
| Overwhelmed. | ||
| I know so many people that got it. | ||
| The other thing that was weird is the shape of New York. | ||
| I was looking at it, I was like, how is all that up there, New York? | ||
| And then add to Long Island. | ||
| What is this thing? | ||
| How come you guys don't have more than one state? | ||
| This is a bunch of different states. | ||
| Yeah, you put a lot of stuff together. | ||
| Like, New York State is definitely not New York. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| New York State might as well be Kentucky. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Might as well. | ||
| Totally different. | ||
| Yeah, it's like going to Alabama. | ||
| There's some spots, like when you drive into Buffalo or something like that, where you're like, okay, where the fuck am I? Right, exactly. | ||
| Two hours outside of Buffalo. | ||
| Good luck, dude! | ||
| You might as well be in West Virginia. | ||
| You might as well be in rural North Carolina. | ||
| Yeah, the same mile away from how people are in the West Village. | ||
| Yeah, you have your cities. | ||
| You have Albany, you have Buffalo, you have Syracuse. | ||
| But those are so different. | ||
| Do you live in New York? | ||
| I lived in New Rochelle. | ||
| In New Rochelle. | ||
| Right outside the city. | ||
| It's right outside Queens. | ||
| I know where it is. | ||
| Or the Bronx, rather. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I lived in New York for a long time. | ||
| It's just a weird shape. | ||
| All that stuff up there is New York, too. | ||
| Yeah, I had to get Long Island. | ||
| And Manhattan. | ||
| And Brooklyn. | ||
| And Staten Island. | ||
| It's all New York State? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was a kid, when I was coming up as a stand-up, the first gig I ever got in New York, I was so nervous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I couldn't believe I was doing a show in New York. | ||
| And it was a New York state room, so I had to drive up through Western Massachusetts to get into New York. | ||
| But I was so proud of myself that I did a show in New York. | ||
| Not even the city. | ||
| No, not even close. | ||
| But it was like... | ||
| It made me feel like, okay, I can do comedy in New York. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big deal. | ||
| Look at that crazy. | ||
| So White Plains, you see that in the lower right-hand corner? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where I used to live, right outside of that. | ||
| Because I used to play pool in White Plains at executive billiards. | ||
| If you go, like, see where the Y is in New Jersey? | ||
| On Yonkers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Y right there, that's about where I grew up. | ||
| Dude, look at that fucking, look at the size of that thing. | ||
| It's a beautiful state. | ||
| The Adirondacks, you ever gone through the Adirondacks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But look how it goes all the way through the top of Vermont. | |
| Yeah, well, it's New York. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| But isn't that insane? | ||
| Like, what an enormous, enormous state. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Takes Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Look at the Catskill Mountains where Customato used to train Mike Tyson. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And then there's Ithaca. | ||
| This is Rome. | ||
| A Rome, New York. | ||
| Utica is where I worked. | ||
| That's where I worked. | ||
| I worked in Utica, New York. | ||
| You worked in Utica? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| What'd you do there? | ||
| I did stand up there. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| I had a drive from Massachusetts. | ||
| See that Massachusetts 90? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think the 90 was the Massachusetts Turnpike and then it turned into New York State. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the... | ||
| I've done gigs in Rochester. | ||
| Buffalo. | ||
| Saratoga Springs. | ||
| There's a new club there, I hear. | ||
| You know what I used to hear all the time when I was a kid, too? | ||
| The Kipsy? | ||
| No, not the Catskills, but what was the one that's in Pennsylvania? | ||
| The Poconos. | ||
| Poconos, yeah. | ||
| The Poconos, the Mount Airy Lodge. | ||
| Yeah, you always heard about people going to the Poconos. | ||
| Isn't that where Dirty Dancing took place? | ||
| No, that was Catskills. | ||
| Oh, it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Poconos is like the champagne... | ||
| Tub. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For the Mount Airy Lodge, they had that ad on TV. And the Catskills was like where the comics would go. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's for like those Freddie Roman type dudes. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine if you can go back in time and watch some of that? | ||
| They used to play... | ||
| Buddy Hackett. | ||
| Hotels, little bungalows, little trailers, home. | ||
| Everybody from New York dumped up there for the weekends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then the entertainers would come and they would just... | ||
| You'd do... | ||
| It was like Manhattan. | ||
| They would do a whole bunch of gigs a night. | ||
| That's the Poconos. | ||
| This is an arrow through a heart. | ||
| Also the Mount Derry Lodge. | ||
| They're all couples resorts. | ||
| All couples resorts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In the Catskills? | ||
| You know the Poconos. | ||
| The Poconos is sexy. | ||
| The Poconos is sexy. | ||
| That's where you go... | ||
| Well, yeah, that one. | ||
| Hit that one up there. | ||
| Yes, that was in the ad. | ||
| That was in the ad when I was a kid. | ||
| He's moving in for a kiss. | ||
| He's got a girl floating in a... | ||
| Heart-shaped pool. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, a heart-shaped bathtub with one of those weird roofs over there. | ||
| It's all destroyed. | ||
| You pretend like you're fucking- Oh, it's all destroyed. | ||
| Yeah, look at it. | ||
| The abandoned Poconos. | ||
| There was so much banging there. | ||
| Yeah, that's the champagne one. | ||
| Look, it's a champagne glass, and you sit in it, and you make love to your lady. | ||
| How do you get in there? | ||
| You gotta take an elevator. | ||
| Look at the Egyptian room. | ||
| This is how bored people get of having sex with each other, that they have to climb in a champagne glass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go to the Poconos, and we'll get the Egypt room. | |
| Are you serious? | ||
| The Egypt room is so classy. | ||
| Can you really get the Egypt room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, there's a waiting list, but I know a guy. | |
| She's got her shoes off. | ||
| They got a glass of wine. | ||
| He's ready to take her from behind. | ||
| He's sneaking up behind her. | ||
| I got you a new coat from Lord and Taylor. | ||
| And that's a fuck position. | ||
| You only stay like that with someone you're banging. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| See? | ||
| Because if that was a buddy of yours, and you were sitting in his lap like that, and people walked in, they'd be like, hey, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| We're just watching the game. | ||
| This is how we cuddle. | ||
| We stay warm. | ||
| We preserve body heat. | ||
| Why are your feet off? | ||
| Why do you have your shoes off? | ||
| Why do you have bare feet on? | ||
| Are you going to climb me up to that glass or just look at it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to throw her up there if you want to bang her. | |
| That's the only way she lets you. | ||
| The Mount Airy Lodge. | ||
| You gotta throw her over your arm, like throw her over your shoulder, and then you have to climb some stuff and gently lay her down in the champagne. | ||
| Oh, that's so terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| There's another couple, different couples in the Egypt room. | ||
| So to let you know, you are not the first people to fuck in this room. | ||
| This African-American couple's been fucking in this room before you. | ||
| Oh yeah, what do you think happens there? | ||
| What do you think happens there? | ||
| That's where people go to get their fuck on. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| They're fucking basically naked. | ||
| That dude doesn't even have any pants on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like Playgirl 1975. She just gave him a handy and he said thanks. | |
| And she just is really sensitive because she's on her period. | ||
| And they got some room service. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| This guy's hanging from the edge. | ||
| It's gonna break. | ||
| It's gonna be like one of them Rob Drydeck videos where the champagne glass is gonna come down, crush his skull. | ||
| She's gonna fall. | ||
| She's gonna be paralyzed from the neck down. | ||
| He's gonna be dead. | ||
| And it'll all be on security camera that the Russians have captured through WikiLeaks. | ||
| There's no part of looking at the two people in the champagne glass having sex that makes you think that would be a good idea. | ||
| How about this old guy? | ||
| Yeah, I get to get my fuck on down here too, Louie. | ||
| Who needs a lady? | ||
| Who needs a lady? | ||
| I'm by myself. | ||
| I'm in the glass. | ||
| I gotta make a decision. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can only afford one pair of glasses, so I went with the prescription sunglasses. | |
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't like to look at the daytime, those fluorescent lights are bad for your brain. | ||
| Louie, trust me, they're bad for your brain. | ||
| My guy's a good guy. | ||
| Nobody knew what was good for you back then. | ||
| Nobody did. | ||
| It really did. | ||
| You had to go to school to find out whether or not you should eat cigarettes. | ||
| A toast to pride. | ||
| Gay dudes. | ||
| You get in that bathtub. | ||
| Gay dudes have been banging. | ||
| Everyone bangs in that glass. | ||
| Do you smell bleach? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not bleach. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Why do you have clothes on, Hooker? | ||
| I'm by myself in a full one-piece bathing suit. | ||
| It's more like a cheerleader's outfit. | ||
| It's so depressing. | ||
| People are so bored. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're so bored! | |
| Oh, God! | ||
| Can't you stay home and read a book or just take a nap? | ||
| Can you imagine if your daughter was taking dancing lessons from Patrick Swayze? | ||
| He's got that fucking silky mullet and he's dancing and moving across the floor. | ||
| No guy does that unless he wants to fuck. | ||
| Either he's fucking guys or he's fucking your daughter. | ||
| That's why he dances so good. | ||
| He likes to fuck. | ||
| He's moving his hips around. | ||
| He wants to let you know, this is how I fuck you. | ||
| I fuck you to the music. | ||
| Spinning around. | ||
| Salsa style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stayin' alive! | |
| Stayin' alive! | ||
| Tight polyester pants. | ||
| Do you remember Saturday Night Fever? | ||
| You remember when it came out where everybody wanted to go dancing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was a little kid, but I remember... | ||
| Yeah, all of a sudden... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone was dressing like them. | |
| What year did Saturday Night Fever come out? | ||
| 77. Was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it was 10 years old. | ||
| The Bee Gees. | ||
| And I remember people just would go dancing all the time now. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| And they were wearing, like, all the open shirts. | ||
| My aunts were living with us at the time. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| They'd move from New Jersey or Florida, wherever the fuck they were at the time. | ||
| I think they moved with us around that same time when I was 10. I think they went dancing. | ||
| Were they Fun Ants? | ||
| Yeah, they were nice. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Look at that shirt. | ||
| Open shirt. | ||
| Look at that hair. | ||
| God, I've never had hair like that. | ||
| What a great album. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| The Bee Gees. | ||
| The Bee Gees were incredible. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| I wish we could play some of it on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| If you could sing like that? | ||
| He had his cigarettes on. | ||
| Cigarette smoking. | ||
| They were playing records. | ||
| And it was all about going out and everybody would go dancing and occasionally knife fights. | ||
| And that girl accidentally got that girl pregnant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was cute, but she wasn't as hot as the other girl. | ||
| I remember when she dropped the condoms in it. | ||
| I was like, what were those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know what that was happening. | ||
| He's looking at a, I can't believe how good she is. | ||
| You want to give me lessons? | ||
| Next thing you know, they're banging. | ||
| She's not from his side of the track, so she really shouldn't be with him. | ||
| And, you know, he's kind of flawed, but he's got this special something, and he can really dance. | ||
| He can dance. | ||
| You can really dance, Tony. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, you can really dance. | ||
| It was a simple time. | ||
| They just wanted to dance. | ||
| No one does that anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Just had love songs. | ||
| There were so many love songs in the 70s. | ||
| Just life in general was different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Came out of the Vietnam War and stuff. | ||
| He just wanted to just chill out and love a little bit. | ||
| Well, as we're getting overwhelmed with data and information, this becomes more and more ridiculous. | ||
| You look at making a movie exactly like this today, and you could make one of those step-on-up dance movies. | ||
| La La Land. | ||
| But those movies are stupid. | ||
| La La Land. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| That's the one that almost won the award? | ||
| Yeah, it was a big hit this year, and it was a musical, and there was a lot of dancing. | ||
| Well, did you see it? | ||
| I did. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I live with girls! | ||
| I live with girls! | ||
| The theater queens. | ||
| We weren't in the theater. | ||
| We were watching it at home. | ||
| I got the screener, and my kids wanted to see it. | ||
| I didn't really enjoy it. | ||
| Well, you listen. | ||
| It's an anomaly. | ||
| I was fighting a raccoon while they were watching it. | ||
| I was fighting a raccoon in the face. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It's a rough night. | ||
| But it was kind of this. | ||
| It was kind of dancing and la la la. | ||
| What I'm saying is this is a dumb movie. | ||
| And if you wanted to make this dumb movie today, it wouldn't be so interesting. | ||
| It would be silly. | ||
| You'd be like, this is so silly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now that people... | ||
| We know more about how people are. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| You know, it's just... | ||
| It's all different. | ||
| And we've seen a lot of stuff, so things can't be so shitty. | ||
| Yeah, we've seen everything. | ||
| I was watching... | ||
| I saw someone had a thing for a speed buggy. | ||
| Remember that cartoon speed buggy? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| It was like a... | ||
| Speed Buggy. | ||
| Speed Buggy. | ||
| I kind of remember, yeah. | ||
| And it had the guy with the goggles, and they would do this little theme song, and they would go, Speed Buggy! | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they'd go, Speed Buggy! | ||
| And then Speed Buggy goes, That's me! | ||
| Wait a minute, does that have anything to do with Scooby-Doo, or are they just thieves? | ||
| Probably the same. | ||
| Those people look exactly like the Scooby-Doo people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, that's Scooby-Doo instead of the car's Scooby-Doo. | ||
| Yeah, that's Shaggy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That red-headed guy? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And that's the other two people that were always hanging out with Scooby-Doo, right? | ||
| The jock and the cheerleader? | ||
| Wearing the same clothes. | ||
| Yeah, look, that's Shaggy. | ||
| And they fight crimes, and they find out who the bad guys are. | ||
| Oh, the gorilla almost gets it. | ||
| Like, see that guy in the back? | ||
| That's the jock. | ||
| And the girl in the front? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's like Veronica. | ||
| It was so simple. | ||
| Like, you couldn't make this now. | ||
| How about Gilligan's Island? | ||
| Speed buggy. | ||
| That's me! | ||
| Could you make Gilligan's Island without people banging? | ||
| Who the fuck would believe that show? | ||
| He's telling me the only one that's banging is Thurston Howell and his wife? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're the only ones who are banging. | ||
| They're the only ones who are married. | ||
| Lovey. | ||
| Nobody else is even kissing. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The sailor, the fucking, the skipper, and Gilligan, don't they have bunk beds? | ||
| They have a bunk hammock. | ||
| Yeah, is that the most obvious gay couple ever? | ||
| Get over here, little buddy. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| And you have two fucking smoking hot girls. | ||
| And then there's the two camps. | ||
| Like, which camp are you? | ||
| You camp Ginger or you camp Marianne? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I like a regular girl. | ||
| I could take fishing. | ||
| Like the girl next door. | ||
| I'm more of a Marianne type. | ||
| Yeah, she looks sexy from Italy. | ||
| I want a girl that looks good on the red carpet. | ||
| I'm more of a Ginger type. | ||
| I'd rather live in Beverly Hills. | ||
| And the professor was like the intelligent one, and he wasn't that smart. | ||
| He didn't get to bang either. | ||
| Nobody got to bang. | ||
| Nobody banged. | ||
| The professor wasn't intelligent? | ||
| Not really. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It was like 70s science intelligence. | ||
| What did they know back then? | ||
| Right now he's like, look, I found a bird. | ||
| You can tell by its wings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meanwhile, he's not concerned that stupid bird just lets him hold it. | |
| But birds are prey. | ||
| Like, they get eaten constantly. | ||
| Does that bird have any instincts? | ||
| If you eat it, it's probably poisoned. | ||
| This was a hit. | ||
| This was a hit. | ||
| A runaway hit. | ||
| He's rehabbing this bird. | ||
| I think, if I remember correctly, Gilligan's Island was on for far less time than we think it was. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| I don't think it did a few seasons. | ||
| How many seasons, if you had a guess? | ||
| I loved it when I was a child. | ||
| Were we seeing it in reruns? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| 64 to 67. See? | ||
| It's only a three-year show. | ||
| Three years. | ||
| How many episodes? | ||
| 30 episodes? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I guess it's four years if they did a full season for each year. | ||
| That is pretty short. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How many episodes? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| I'm trying to find out. | ||
| It might have been 30 per season. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That's a lot of storylines. | ||
| That's unusual. | ||
| That's a lot of storylines. | ||
| Usually it's 22, because you would get 13, that would be your big order, and then you would get the back nine. | ||
| This was olden times. | ||
| Well, this is real olden times where they didn't get paid. | ||
| So Gilligan and Skipper and everybody, they got fucked. | ||
| They played these things. | ||
| They're playing them somewhere now. | ||
| So whoever owns them, they own it forever. | ||
| And you don't get residuals. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Poor Gilligan. | ||
| They paved the way, though. | ||
| A lot of shitty shows. | ||
| But they still make, like, goofy shows. | ||
| You know what's interesting? | ||
| Like, all the kid shows that the kids get raised on, like these Disney shows and stuff, they're as goofy as all the stuff in the 70s. | ||
| Some of them are funny, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I've watched Dog with a Blog with my kids. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's called Dog with a Blog. | ||
| I think it's canceled. | ||
| I think it's canceled now. | ||
| And they're all bummed out because there's no more new episodes. | ||
| My kids watched it, too. | ||
| It's a funny show. | ||
| It's good writing. | ||
| Like, it makes me laugh. | ||
| I've laughed. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| You know, there's something to that classic rhythm of giving you jokes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're traditional sitcoms. | ||
| This is what sitcoms were. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Multi-camera and just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is good if the jokes are good. | ||
| Yeah, it is good if the jokes are good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't watch them anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, they don't really. | ||
| The only ones are the ones on CBS, like Big Bang. | ||
| They're the only ones that still do it? | ||
| Yeah, they're the only ones that really do. | ||
| ABC doesn't do it anymore? | ||
| Now they're all single cam. | ||
| Still a few on NBC, like the Carmichael show. | ||
| Is that one on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do they do? | ||
| Do they do okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're still on. | |
| I think they got renewed for another season, so that's at least what they're looking for, probably. | ||
| Well, I'm sure some people still enjoy it, if we're talking about it right now, you know? | ||
| They do work. | ||
| If they're funny and there's funny characters, that's a pure, you know, it's more jokes than the single cameras. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
| Have you ever done one? | ||
| You did one, right? | ||
| Well, you didn't have a sitcom, you had a TV show. | ||
| I had a sitcom for like six episodes. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| It's called Come to Papa. | ||
| Come to Papa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come to Papa. | |
| And it was just like a little sitcom, NBC. Yeah, man, they don't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They killed it. | |
| They kill them. | ||
| They kill them quick. | ||
| It was really quick. | ||
| I'm glad I did it, but I would never do it again. | ||
| You wouldn't? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It's so much work. | ||
| It's a great thing to do if you want to be an actor. | ||
| But if you want to do stand-up as well... | ||
| Right. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Especially not in the beginning. | ||
| Because in the beginning, it's ruthless. | ||
| It's like 12-hour days every day. | ||
| You're always tired. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you're not even writing on it. | ||
| You're just acting on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The only good thing is sometimes you have time during the day. | ||
| You might have a couple hours break during the day. | ||
| You might even be able to go to the gym. | ||
| If you know you're not in four scenes in a row, they'll tell you, like, hey, we won't need you until noon. | ||
| You can bust out of there. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes you can bust out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But that's not often. | ||
| But you'd be able to write a little bit, maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the guys who are in it and write on it, then forget it. | ||
| When all the actors go home, then you start going to work in the writer's room. | ||
| I never forget, I had lunch with Ray Romano when he was just starting to do Everybody Loves Raymond. | ||
| And it was me and him and Kevin James, and we're at Jerry's Deli, and all Ray Romano. | ||
| He's obsessed with his show. | ||
| He's like, well... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about if I had the guy, he comes in here, he walks in this door, and that's how we set up the scene. | |
| He just was like, the reason why that show had become that monster hit that it was, he was a great comic who was obsessed with every fiber of his being, making this a really good show. | ||
| That's not like a really, really, to this day, underrated show. | ||
| Oh, it was a great family show. | ||
| Great show. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| He's a funny dude, too. | ||
| Yeah, he is funny. | ||
| I worked with him in Queens, New York at Jimmy's Comedy Alley. | ||
| Do you ever know that place? | ||
| I heard of it. | ||
| I was never there. | ||
| It was an old bowling alley that they converted to a comedy club. | ||
| It was a great spot, man. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| It was a great spot. | ||
| It was a great spot. | ||
| And I was the middle act, and he was the headliner. | ||
| Ray Romano. | ||
| And I remember sitting back... | ||
| After I did my show, I'm going, God damn, this guy's a good joke writer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so smooth and it's timing. | ||
| I ran into him at Stand Up New York, same thing. | ||
| I thought I did well and then Ray walked in and went on and I was like, oh boy. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| He was really good. | ||
| So smooth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was talking about movie theaters. | ||
| Really in control. | ||
| He was talking about, somebody actually, I saw another guy steal his joke and I was so upset. | ||
| He did this joke about movie theaters. | ||
| He said, you go with your guy friends and there's always the I'm not a homo seat. | ||
| And he was like going off about the insecurity of men that they don't want to sit next to each other. | ||
| That's a hard schedule though. | ||
| How long were you doing it? | ||
| Five years. | ||
| Five years. | ||
| Yeah, I did it for five. | ||
| Five seasons. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's a good run. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it was good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was an interesting thing to do. | ||
| We did 90, I think 98 or 99 episodes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was weird, man. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, no, it was an awesome thing to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think that today, like, back then, that's all there was. | ||
| There was no reality shows. | ||
| There was no anything else. | ||
| There was a few dramas, like cop shows and shit. | ||
| Yeah, there were multiple nights of all comedies. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Thursday night was, like, all sitcoms on NBC. Yeah. | ||
| That was, like, the big lineup, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But what do they have on Thursday night now? | ||
| Must see TV. I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| They have that Superstore. | ||
| And, uh, I don't know. | ||
| Is NBC Law& Order? | ||
| I don't watch any of that stuff. | ||
| Is Law& Order NBC? Yes. | ||
| What the fuck is with people? | ||
| Why are we so obsessed with people getting caught murdering people? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Someone was saying that there's another podcast that just came out that's really popular all about murders. | ||
| It's just murders. | ||
| People love murders. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| They love mysteries. | ||
| Mysteries? | ||
| What's gonna happen? | ||
| Is he gonna get caught? | ||
| Will he not get caught? | ||
| You know, there's a podcast that's out now specifically about the mystery of Where's Richard Simmons? | ||
| Oh, that's my podcast. | ||
| It's called Come to Papa, but it's really about Richard Simmons. | ||
| Welcome back to Come to Papa. | ||
| I'll be in Syracuse May 14th and 15th. | ||
| And now, speaking of where I am, where's Richard Simmons? | ||
| Is that a real thing? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's a real podcast? | ||
| Like, they can talk multiple days about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forever. | |
| They can talk to the end of time, but they're gay. | ||
| If you're gay and you're on Adderall and you're talking about Richard Simmons, you probably keep going, keep going, keep going. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| He was a pioneer, okay? | ||
| Give him some fucking respect. | ||
| To the left. | ||
| He's a goddamn pioneer. | ||
| But do something about that here. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously. | |
| Yeah, people love murder. | ||
| I don't like murder. | ||
| I don't like hospital shows. | ||
| I don't like... | ||
| My wife was addicted to autopsy shows when she was pregnant. | ||
| It kicked in and she couldn't stop watching autopsy shows. | ||
| Oh, do you remember that HBO guy? | ||
| Yeah, I think that was it. | ||
| Dr. Michael Batten would catch people in the weirdest ways. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| There was one guy who was a doctor, and he had this woman, and he kept her body in his house, and he'd bring in crates and crates of perfume, and he would douse her decaying body with perfume. | ||
| And he had fastened some sort of a hole near where her abdomen was when it rotted away. | ||
| He put something there that he manufactured where he could stick his dick into it. | ||
| So he could get on top and put a mask on her. | ||
| And, you know, they were trying to figure out where the body had gone. | ||
| This guy had taken the body and brought it to his house. | ||
| It was so intense. | ||
| It was so intense. | ||
| Because I remember thinking, like, wow, this guy wanted this woman so bad that once she died, he couldn't help himself. | ||
| He had to, like, keep her body. | ||
| Now I have her. | ||
| Now she's with me. | ||
| This is what I've always needed. | ||
| Let me just keep covering her up with perfume and he would get rock hard and climb on top of her a rotting bag of bones and meat and stick his dick into her. | ||
| She's just- he's probably had like a surgical mask on. | ||
| She's like stinking of rotten meat and perfume. | ||
| I would much rather watch Bob's Burgers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I got a little graphic there, folks. | ||
| You got really into it, and it was disturbing. | ||
| Well, I just want... | ||
| See? | ||
| This is why these shows are popular. | ||
| Because they're sickos like you. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I don't even watch that anymore. | ||
| Me describing that and putting that visual image in everybody's mind is nothing like watching on TV and getting that visual image. | ||
| It's so much more innocent and less guilty. | ||
| It's worse, because now you made us a part of it, because we had to paint it ourselves. | ||
| You've got to know that those people are real, though. | ||
| Yeah, you do have to know. | ||
| Those nurse ones always freak me out. | ||
| You find some nurse who killed like 50 people, and you're like, what? | ||
| Yeah, just quietly. | ||
| Quietly poisoning people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Putting these people out. | ||
| You're not doing so good, Tom Papa. | ||
| I just have a toothpick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Toothpick? | |
| We're going to have to amputate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hold on a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| This nurse is crap. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that power rush that they must get from doing crazy shit like that. | |
| Those autopsy shows are fucking weird, man. | ||
| It's a weird, compelling fascination. | ||
| That it happened to her while she was pregnant was like this weird, like, something physical and mental was happening. | ||
| You start getting nervous about your environment. | ||
| You're like, how safe are we? | ||
| What are people capable of? | ||
| You want to know what everything is. | ||
| And you see Ice-T kicking in the door to some house and there's a woman gagged. | ||
| Special Victims Unit, I'm here! | ||
| Body count. | ||
| My new album drops Monday. | ||
| Bum, bum. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should have never done it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bum, bum. | |
| Take them away. | ||
| They get them in the end, always, because it's law and order. | ||
| Bum, bum. | ||
| It's not law and hopefully we have order. | ||
| No, we enforce the law with iced tea. | ||
| Bum, bum. | ||
| And Richard Pelzer. | ||
| And Belzer. | ||
| What a weird career that is. | ||
| A comic and a rapper. | ||
| Yeah, they just go from this important comic of his time, New York, and then boom, boom, for the last 30. Just reading stale lines for 30 years. | ||
| Like, how many years was he on that show? | ||
| Yeah, I think maybe. | ||
| You think that's where the body is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Probably, like, I bet he was on that show for 15 years. | ||
| Boom, boom. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| But I guess that paycheck is just so sweet. | ||
| Why would you want to go to Giggles and Saugus? | ||
| Nah, no guy. | ||
| I'm not going to. | ||
| Do a weekend. | ||
| Some drunk asshole is going to heckle you over their pizza. | ||
| Nah, I'm done with that. | ||
| You'd have the sunglasses on and just that attitude. | ||
| Well, you moved to Paris. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you live in New York, and you work in New York, you can live in Paris. | ||
| It's not far away. | ||
| It's a five-hour flight. | ||
| It's like, yeah, it's coming here. | ||
| Yeah, it is like coming here. | ||
| You just gotta go through customs. | ||
| New York's in the middle. | ||
| And so, like, Johnny Depp lived in Paris for a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wouldn't do that. | ||
| That didn't work out, did it? | ||
| No, because he started hammering people. | ||
| Hammering them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I go on vacations, and I go to some foreign country, and you're like, this is so great. | ||
| And it's like, after a couple days, you're like, I've got to get back to the States. | ||
| Yeah, I don't understand people like, I'm moving to Costa Rica. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're doing what? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| No, you visit there. | ||
| Yeah, that's vacation. | ||
| Yeah, what are you doing? | ||
| Why would you move there? | ||
| I want to go live there. | ||
| Costa Rica is amazing, bro. | ||
| It is amazing. | ||
| It's amazing when you visit. | ||
| But if you lived there, you would go, oh, you have to bribe the cops. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, this is a total... | ||
| I was in Costa Rica on vacation with my fucking kids, dude. | ||
| I'm walking my kids on the beach, and this guy goes, hey, man, do you want weed? | ||
| Do you want coke? | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| Do you want girls? | ||
| I'm like, hey. | ||
| Listen, buddy, come on, man. | ||
| I'm here. | ||
| I want all those things, but I don't want it right now. | ||
| They don't have a real police force, fire force, the running water's intermittent. | ||
| No. | ||
| Give me convenience. | ||
| One time I was in Mexico, and I was at this resort, and they had these electric golf carts. | ||
| You could take the carts out of the resort to go to the local town. | ||
| And so we left the resort and went to the local town, and Maybe a block outside the resort, there's a full-on military compound. | ||
| I mean, full-on, with dudes standing there, fully armed, in a jeep, an armored jeep, with a bulletproof face, like a tank face, where they duck down while they're driving so they don't get shot. | ||
| And I'm watching this, and I'm like, what in the hell? | ||
| And then I realized, oh, this is to protect the resort. | ||
| Wow, my God. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It changed my entire feeling of what I was doing. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Before, I was like, hey, we're relaxing. | ||
| All those places. | ||
| We're on the beach. | ||
| Jamaica, man! | ||
| Yeah, we're going to have some Mai Tais and kick back and look, the sun. | ||
| It's so beautiful. | ||
| I love Mexico. | ||
| I don't know why everybody thinks it's dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER It's true! | |
| There's tanks! | ||
| Think of guys with machine guns! | ||
| And if they're not there, we're all dead. | ||
| Oh, you're fucked. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| Because the people from the town will just go, why do they have so much and we don't- They're so poor, and then you're bringing in all these people with a lot of money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| Yeah, it was weird. | ||
| I just went to the Dominican Republic. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| I said, where do you stay? | ||
| And they're like, Punta Cana. | ||
| That's where I was doing the show. | ||
| And they're like, that's the only place to stay. | ||
| I was like, is it that bad? | ||
| And as I'm landing, I just look up Dominican Republic. | ||
| And someone was doing a Facebook Live thing in a studio. | ||
| And some guy walked in and just shot him in the middle of it. | ||
| That was happening as I'm like... | ||
| Nervously trying to find my guides to bring me to the resort. | ||
| It's always just on the outskirts of these places. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was going on in Acapulco. | ||
| I remember during the drug war when it was at its worst. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The Mexican drug war was going on down there. | ||
| In Acapulco, a bunch of people got shot. | ||
| Like tourists and shit. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| No, it's serious stuff. | ||
| My parents went to Mexico when I was a boy and brought back a shirt that was a Mexican guy and his sombrero said Acapulco and his bow tie said gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Acapulco gold. | ||
| That was my cool shirt when I was like 10. | ||
| Tom Papa knows where the good weed is. | ||
| Yeah, they would grow weed in Acapulco. | ||
| They were called Acapulco Gold. | ||
| Acapulco Gold. | ||
| That was the shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I got the shirt. | ||
| I never had any of that stuff. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| That was back when I didn't smoke weed. | ||
| I bet it wasn't that great. | ||
| Not compared to this science weed they have now. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| These goddamn wizards. | ||
| Yeah, I get uncomfortable in those places. | ||
| I always want to be like the cool photojournalist who kind of hangs out with the people and doesn't worry and just goes to their house and has a meal. | ||
| But I'm totally on guard and nervous when I'm in places like that. | ||
| Especially if I'm with my family. | ||
| Yeah, well, if you're in a real poor area and you're a bunch of wealthy white people that are fucking vacationing, it's weird because the area needs it because it provides, you know, like your revenue comes in and it helps them and it gives people that live there jobs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's, again, like we were talking about going outside of Albany. | ||
| You just drive two hours outside of Albany. | ||
| Like, where the fuck am I? It's the same thing out there. | ||
| Same, yeah. | ||
| But probably more extreme. | ||
| Right, exactly, because there's not as many cops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, and being a cop is a different thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If everybody's corrupt. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You see Narcos? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Intense. | ||
| Goddamn, that's a good show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Narcos is scary. | ||
| Pablo Escobar lived a fucking crazy life. | ||
| What a crazy life with his pot belly. | ||
| How did he do that? | ||
| I know! | ||
| It's amazing how far some people get with insane behavior. | ||
| It really is amazing, isn't it? | ||
| Whoa, that guy was... | ||
| Just completely like, no, I'm gonna make this work. | ||
| This is how my head works. | ||
| Man, he was blowing up government buildings and... | ||
| Airplanes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| Built his own jail. | ||
| Put himself in a jail. | ||
| Partying in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Bringing in bitches and playing pool. | ||
| Handing out cash to the people. | ||
| He was a hero. | ||
| Then afterwards he's like, you know what? | ||
| I'm tired of being in this fucking place. | ||
| Murdered a guy in the jail. | ||
| Beat him in the head with a bat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he's like, ah, fuck this place. | ||
| I'm getting out. | ||
| I'm leaving. | ||
| Just left. | ||
| His little sneakers. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Running down the path. | ||
| But this is all real. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| You really did all these things. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| When you think how far that is from how you live your life. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's so far away. | ||
| And it just happened. | ||
| Yeah, it's happening right now. | ||
| Some new guys on his way working up the ladder. | ||
| How about when Sean Penn went down and met El Chapo and took that fucking picture with him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, how crazy is Sean Penn? | ||
| Was there ever an article about that? | ||
| Was there ever an interview with him? | ||
| He wrote it. | ||
| Sean Penn wrote it. | ||
| I never read it. | ||
| I read it. | ||
| I remember the thing going down, but I don't remember. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| I was like, I don't understand what he was trying to do. | ||
| Why he decided to do that. | ||
| Look at that fucking picture. | ||
| That picture is insane, dude. | ||
| Why did he do it? | ||
| Because he's crazy. | ||
| He's a wild man. | ||
| Sean Penn is a wild man. | ||
| I mean, he really is. | ||
| You have to be to do this. | ||
| I had one opinion of him before, and then I had a different opinion of him after this. | ||
| This guy, he actually did that. | ||
| He actually went there. | ||
| Into the woods, right? | ||
| Didn't they put a hood over him or a blindfold and take him to the woods? | ||
| I don't remember how it all happened, but there was some girl who was friends with El Chapo. | ||
| El Chapo's probably slinging dick her way the same way. | ||
| You know, the same way Pablo Escobar was that really hot reporter. | ||
| The reporter, yeah. | ||
| So El Chapo was probably stuffing that girl, too. | ||
| And he's like, I want you to give me Sean Penn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're exactly right. | ||
| That's exactly what happened. | ||
| She's like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if he'll do it. | ||
| He'll do it. | ||
| Give me Sean Penn. | ||
| I want that boy from Colors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get me the dude from Fast Times at Ridgewood High. | |
| He'll understand the good part of drugs. | ||
| That's right, he was in colors. | ||
| He was in colors. | ||
| I am a nightmare walking, psychopath talking. | ||
| Iced tea. | ||
| It goes full circle. | ||
| We're back to iced tea again. | ||
| I did a show last night, a charity show, and Common was on the show. | ||
| The rapper turned, now he's a big time actor, right? | ||
| Actor and poet. | ||
| Poet. | ||
| Yeah, he's a poet. | ||
| Slow your roll, son. | ||
| Just because you make shit rhyme. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm published. | ||
| He's a positive force, that guy. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| He's a good one, for sure. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was impressed. | ||
| The world needs more poets, Tom Papa. | ||
| It sure does. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Let me count the ways. | ||
| Poetry boy, that's one thing. | ||
| You better be good. | ||
| You better be good. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| And even if you are, half the people are going to hate it. | ||
| It's like a comic. | ||
| It's like, if you're bad, it's really bad. | ||
| And even if you're good, half of you are going to hate it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's going to be a certain amount of people that hate you no matter what. | ||
| You can do your best shit ever. | ||
| And some people could say, like, you'll get like four tweets in a row about a special, fucking amazing, amazing, very disappointed. | ||
| There's going to be people that hate everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In your audience of people who are coming to see you, there's going to be a couple people like, meh. | ||
| And there's also people that you're never going to make happy no matter what. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because they're just twats. | ||
| They just suck. | ||
| Twat's such a fun word. | ||
| It's a great word. | ||
| Twat is a good one. | ||
| They let us say twat on TV. You can say twat on TV, right? | ||
| You can say twat? | ||
| I bet you can. | ||
| I don't think you can say twat. | ||
| If a girl says it, my mom's a twat. | ||
| My mom's a twat. | ||
| You can't say lick my twat. | ||
| You can't say lick my twat. | ||
| If a girl says lick my twat, you should really think about not doing it. | ||
| Any girl that says lick my twat, you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's a twat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're what? | |
| Okay. | ||
| What do you call it? | ||
| I was banging this girl once. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Back in the Disney, when I was 20, and she was the first girl to ever call her pussy a cunt. | ||
| She said, I want you to fuck me in my cunt. | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| Hello. | ||
| This girl was crazy. | ||
| She was one of those nether regions girls. | ||
| She was like the wildings. | ||
| You know how the wildings were in the Game of Thrones? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know those people that lived out in the land between the kingdoms? | ||
| Right. | ||
| She lived in Connecticut, which is my map. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's where the Wildings live. | ||
| Those weird towns. | ||
| Between New York and Massachusetts. | ||
| Westbury, Connecticut or some shit like that. | ||
| You're like, what are you doing here? | ||
| She was just crazy. | ||
| Was she really? | ||
| She was so crazy. | ||
| She was so crazy, I went to the bathroom once and she gave my friend her phone number like immediately. | ||
| This is after I'd already been having sex with her. | ||
| I had sex with her that day. | ||
| And she gave my friend her phone number. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
| Any guy that would not tell you that some girl you're dating gave him her number, that's like a bad guy to have. | ||
| Did he tell you? | ||
| Fuck yeah, he did. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Yeah, he goes, dude. | ||
| He goes, that crazy bitch, as soon as you went to pee, she gave me her number. | ||
| I go, no way. | ||
| He showed me the piece of paper. | ||
| I go, that's cute. | ||
| He goes, go show it to her. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, did you leave this with my friend? | |
| No. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| You called her out? | ||
| Yeah, I started laughing. | ||
| What'd she say? | ||
| She was so stupid. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
| She was more crazy than she was stupid. | ||
| And did you see her often? | ||
| I saw her when I would go to Connecticut. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, every, you know, five, six months for like a year and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then the last one was like, I gotta stop. | ||
| I gotta stop hanging out with this girl. | ||
| She was way too crazy. | ||
| She came to one of my comedy shows and she brought these people that might as well have been screaming baboons trapped in a cage at the zoo while people threw water balloons at them. | ||
| They were screaming. | ||
| They were heckling and screaming and then I got on stage and I left her there. | ||
| I left her and her friends there. | ||
| I just bolted. | ||
| As soon as I got off stage, I just went outside, got in my car, and just drove. | ||
| And back then, when you drove, you were gone, man. | ||
| Nobody had a cell phone. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You could escape. | ||
| You literally could escape. | ||
| I actually had a cell phone before that, but I couldn't afford it anymore, so I didn't have a cell phone. | ||
| I had a car phone. | ||
| For a while, like 1989. Nice. | ||
| This was like a year or two after that. | ||
| It was like 90 or 91, so I don't even think anybody could get a hold of me. | ||
| How cool. | ||
| You could just get in a car and go. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No one could find you. | ||
| You just go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so great. | |
| Well, I used to have these, like, one of those things I really like about these yellow legal pads is that these yellow legal pads, to me, they have, like, this different feel to them because that's what I would write all the directions. | ||
| To any of the places that I would go to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because there was no internet back then. | ||
| So you would get, like, a gig from, like, the Comedy Connection. | ||
| Like, Billy Downs would be booking a room. | ||
| You'd call him up. | ||
| And he would give you the directions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| You ready? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got a pen? | |
| You got a pen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| And it was always, I would write it all on these yellow legal pads. | ||
| And then I would write down the address, the directions, how to get there, what to look for. | ||
| There's a third bar, and that's the one you want to turn. | ||
| And then you'll see the fucking Wings hut. | ||
| Is that amazing? | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I would have them with me and I'd be all excited because I'd look at that piece of paper. | ||
| I'd be like, I'm a hitman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going out to do a job. | ||
| You know, that's what it felt like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Out in the middle of nowhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Badass. | |
| I'm driving out in the middle of nowhere to go to a game. | ||
| The disconnected lands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go to these places. | ||
| Like in New Hampshire and shit. | ||
| Yeah, one-nighters. | ||
| Just drive. | ||
| Vermont. | ||
| Do a show. | ||
| Drive back. | ||
| Same night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I met this pretty girl once in Maine. | ||
| She was really pretty. | ||
| And she had nose rings. | ||
| I think she had two nose rings. | ||
| I think she had a ring in each nostril. | ||
| And, like, she was still pretty. | ||
| Yeah, if you're pretty, that works. | ||
| But it was, you know, and we were hanging out, and it was just too heavy. | ||
| It's like she was so trapped in this weird Maine town. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I was only, you know, 21, and I was seeing, like, where her path was, where my path was. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, like, I didn't even want to have sex with her because of it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It was so heavy. | ||
| Because you knew that... | ||
| She was trapped in this, like, weird land. | ||
| And if you had sex with her, you would have to either get her out? | ||
| I would have some sort of a bond with her. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Well, not that I would get her out. | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| The whole thing to me was, like, so bonkers. | ||
| It's like she was describing her life and all the different people in her family that were abusive and all this craziness. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, this is so heavy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I realized if you, just by an unfortunate roll of the dice, were literally shat out of your mom's vagina in the forest... | ||
| And there's some weird bar that everybody in this forest town gravitates to. | ||
| And then some industrious person from Boston decides, well, we're going to book that bar. | ||
| And we would drive up to those places and meet these poor people that were trapped there. | ||
| And some of them are cool as fuck. | ||
| Some of them are really cool. | ||
| Some of them have great family. | ||
| Some of them love it up there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But not this girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Trapped. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| Like her just... | ||
| Well, especially at that age, imagine being a girl in that situation where it's just like, these animals, one of these guys in this pack is going to be the one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or some new dude who just came out of town, from out of town to tell jokes. | ||
| At least now with social media, you see that there's options out there. | ||
| Like, you see other people living lives in different places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| So you can, at least you're aware that there's another, there's somewhere I could go. | ||
| Well, also, you are also aware that there's other communities where you could probably thrive in. | ||
| You can make friends online, and you can literally find out where's a good place to live. | ||
| You can get a job online. | ||
| You can save up your money. | ||
| You can go somewhere, and you can get out of there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is what I was thinking. | ||
| Don't you remember that there were kids working places all the time when you were growing up? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| From the time I was like 14, kids were working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There'd be kids working at the diner, there'd be kids working at the pizza place, at the ice cream shop, at the gas station. | ||
| You don't see kids working anymore. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Are the jobs just taken by adults who need them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn Mexicans come over here and steal our children's jobs. | |
| It used to be a good job for children. | ||
| Is that just where we grow up that there's no kids working? | ||
| Like, are they doing it? | ||
| Yeah, we live in California. | ||
| There's all these white people out here. | ||
| Yeah, but I grew up in New Jersey, and we weren't that far from the city. | ||
| See, again, we're old people talking about young people. | ||
| These kids today. | ||
| No, we're not. | ||
| Yeah, we don't know. | ||
| It's like what we're talking about with high school. | ||
| They don't fucking know what they're talking about. | ||
| We're not judging them. | ||
| Dudes in their 40s talking about high school. | ||
| We're trying to learn. | ||
| But there used to be kids working everywhere. | ||
| We're speculating now. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| People get upset if you're speculating. | ||
| See that shit somebody did on Twitter, some comic dude, got mad at me. | ||
| Because I was talking to Gavin about gay people. | ||
| We were talking about, not even gay people, we were talking about specific incidences that have been in the news. | ||
| Like Milo Yiannopoulos having that thing fall out from under him because he said it's acceptable for older men. | ||
| He was essentially saying it's acceptable for older men to have sex with younger men. | ||
| Right, 13 year old boys. | ||
| And then we're talking about George Takai, who talked about that as well. | ||
| It happened to him at summer camp. | ||
| Like some older dude had sort of busted moves on him and jerked him off and shit. | ||
| And it was pleasurable and he enjoyed it. | ||
| And we were talking about it like, wow, it's like, it's an intense, intense subject. | ||
| This guy got upset that we were talking about it without a gay perspective. | ||
| So you're not allowed to speak about it? | ||
| Attention whoring. | ||
| Trying to figure it out? | ||
| I think it was attention whoring and maybe he just saw the green light to be upset and so he went for it but it wasn't rational. | ||
| A comic? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guy Branum, is that his name? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| We worked it out online. | ||
| He was friendly afterwards and he apologized and I apologized. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It was one of those things where it's like people though do get, they tend to feel like they're allowed to get upset if you're talking about something that you don't have experience with. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Even if it's something in the news. | ||
| But you can't discuss it. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're not allowed to try and figure it out. | ||
| Well, that's... | ||
| That's what learning is. | ||
| That's what learning is. | ||
| Coming from something that you don't know anything about and asking questions and having a discussion about it. | ||
| That's when you know something's bullshit, when you're not allowed to talk about it. | ||
| You're not even allowed to talk about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't discuss even politely. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't respectfully talk about it. | ||
| Well, then your thing is bullshit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, you have no argument. | ||
| You have no side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, there's always this thing, right, and this is a big thing in certain circles when it comes to disenfranchised people, or you hear when it comes to gender and sex, you hear it like, you know, you should, like, that's one of the wonderful things that male feminists love to say. | ||
| They love to say, just shut up and listen to the women. | ||
| You need to shut up and listen to the women. | ||
| Well, that's crazy. | ||
| You should never shut up, because even if you're being respectful, if someone says something and you like them to clarify, or you're confused, or maybe you have some information that they might not be aware of, that might change their thought on things, like, being engaged in a conversation with someone is not necessarily a negative thing, but everyone is assuming that if you're not a girl, you shouldn't talk about girl issues. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Right, you shouldn't have any perspective because you're not part of the world. | ||
| If you're not a girl, if you're not a guy, if you're not gay, if you're not straight, if you're not... | ||
| You shouldn't talk about it. | ||
| So what you're saying when you're asking people not to talk about it is you're saying it should be better if your whole part of the population stays ignorant of what's going on and we just stay where we are. | ||
| Just listen. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| You just listen. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's completely insane. | ||
| Well, it's a power thing. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And when certain things develop too much social clout, when subjects hit this critical mass of social clout, or when the whole Bruce Jenner thing was going on, when you had to say that she was beautiful, and you had to say that you accepted it, and you had to say it was amazing. | ||
| Wasn't she just a fucking Kardashian just a little while ago? | ||
| Isn't this a ridiculous, insane family? | ||
| And wasn't this guy the dumbest one on the show? | ||
| What just happened? | ||
| Didn't this guy just push a lady into traffic with his car because he wasn't paying attention and killed her? | ||
| And we don't pay attention to that, but we pay attention to this whole gender change. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to make you give a pass to all that other behavior. | ||
| And it'll make you seem like a really progressive and open-minded person if you say all the right things. | ||
| Tom Papa, what's your opinion? | ||
| Well, let me just say, I think she's very brave and she's beautiful. | ||
| And a hero. | ||
| Right? | ||
| She's a hero. | ||
| You know what I kept doing with my daughters to drive them crazy? | ||
| They were 11 and 14 and were watching the Oscars. | ||
| Anyone that came on that was a little chubby, male or female, I would just say, oh my god, look at him. | ||
| He's so brave. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's so brave. | ||
| Dad, that's just a new way to say you think she's fat. | ||
| No, I think, look at that. | ||
| I mean, she's wearing that dress on TV. Dad! | ||
| My five-year-old doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| My five-year-old, well, she's six now, but when she was five, she was watching Caitlyn Jenner, my youngest, I should just say. | ||
| She was watching Caitlyn Jenner on TV, and she goes, Daddy, why does that man wear dress and makeup like that? | ||
| She's, like, shaking her head. | ||
| She goes, why does that man wear dress and makeup like that? | ||
| I go, I don't know. | ||
| That's how she identifies. | ||
| That's a she now. | ||
| She turns from a man into a woman. | ||
| And she just looked at me, and she just, like, leaned her head back and raised her eyebrows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She walked away. | ||
| I was like, that kid just, she left the room. | ||
| She just left the room. | ||
| She's like, bitch, please. | ||
| Without saying it, she said, bitch, please. | ||
| She pulled her chin closer to her chest, lifted her eyebrows up, and then just, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You just told me that that man turned into a woman. | ||
| I know it's a man. | ||
| I'm looking at her. | ||
| It's a man. | ||
| Daddy. | ||
| She's like, daddy, why does that man have a dress on and makeup? | ||
| And I was like, well, she used to be a man, but she became a woman. | ||
| I like her walking out of the room as kind of blaming you, too. | ||
| Like, all you adults are a mess. | ||
| She's like, you are retarded. | ||
| That can't even happen. | ||
| I'm six and I know it can't happen. | ||
| Or five at a time. | ||
| Daddy, I'm not stupid. | ||
| Oh, you think I'm stupid, okay? | ||
| Yeah, this is some Santa Claus bullshit. | ||
| You're fucking running by me. | ||
| I think I'm supposed to think the Tooth Fairy comes in and sneaks money under my seat. | ||
| The whole thing is so funny. | ||
| I mean, that is a big part of what the election was about. | ||
| You making us say and think things or just letting things be real. | ||
| Well, it goes in cycles. | ||
| We go one way and we go the other way. | ||
| And that's what it is. | ||
| It's just like we got tired of people going so hard politically correct, but you see how there's progress in that, like when you're talking about the kids in school. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I mean, you can't... | ||
| That's good. | ||
| People would walk into our schools. | ||
| Kids would walk up to other kids that were kind of slow. | ||
| What are you, retarded? | ||
| Like right to their face. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's a sped. | ||
| He's retarded. | ||
| That doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| I think it still exists. | ||
| It just exists less and not where your kids go to school in comparison to where you go to school. | ||
| I mean, I bet if you're in LA Unified and you're hanging out in Compton, I bet you see some bad shit in school. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| This is probably some bad shit still going on in a lot of schools. | ||
| A lot of kids are getting bullied, and people understand the consequences of that now. | ||
| Like, you're scared to go to class because someone's going to hit you, scared to go to class, someone's beating you. | ||
| But bullying was just part of life. | ||
| It wasn't bullying. | ||
| It was just life back then. | ||
| But it was bullying, and it did ruin people's lives. | ||
| It did, but nobody called it out. | ||
| No adult would help you out with it. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's just the way it went. | ||
| You had to learn how to take care of shit. | ||
| And everyone was being bullied by somebody else. | ||
| It was dog-eat-dog. | ||
| It was... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that you're right. | ||
| I mean, the politically correct thing... | ||
| It swings that way and you're left with some good stuff and everybody adjusted. | ||
| And then it goes too far and you start to go after things that don't affect a lot of people. | ||
| And then people get fed up by it. | ||
| Well, the thing is, those people that go too far with all that politically correct stuff, they're almost always emotionally unbalanced. | ||
| So, given enough time, they will reveal themselves to be either crazy or power-hungry or, like, really, like, a big part of that whole social justice warrior movement is really about shaming people, like, expressing anger, attacking people, Gaining power. | ||
| Punching people that disagree with you, like punch fascists, punch Nazis, like be aggressive about it. | ||
| And that somehow or another this is a good thing. | ||
| Because they're so delusional and so detached from real physical violence. | ||
| They have this idea that you're just going to go out there and push these people and take them back. | ||
| No, they're going to show up with guns, you fuck. | ||
| This is how wars get started. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You escalate. | ||
| You try to control people. | ||
| You push too far. | ||
| You're not kind. | ||
| Instead, you're shaming people. | ||
| You're creating bad feelings and aggression. | ||
| Like, they've got this juvenile idea about confrontation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That it just goes out there and it never comes back to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It always comes back to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good luck. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good luck. | |
| It comes back. | ||
| It comes back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's... | ||
| People are, I think, striving for kindness is a good thing. | ||
| I really think that trying to be nice to people, there's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| No. | ||
| But then, if you're trying to be so nice that now you're the aggressor, you've gone over the side of the cliff. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And that's what happens. | ||
| That's what people do. | ||
| They go so far left, they go around the fucking equator, and they wind up on the right. | ||
| I mean, it just happens. | ||
| You become a fascist to fight off the fascists. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| Round and round they go. | ||
| And the people that are effective with it, one of the things that's happening is they outdo each other, they feed off of each other, they play to each other, they're playing to the room. | ||
| And they ramp it up so they know that there's other people that agree with them, and they see how far they can take it, and the further you can take it, like, oh my god, Mike is so hardcore. | ||
| Well, he's not as hardcore as Paul. | ||
| Paul's out there struggling. | ||
| He's in Guatemala right now. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like they push so hard on this social justice front that they're doing it for each other and impressing each other and impressing these communities of people that get together. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, they forget how cruel they're being to people who disagree with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're being vicious and nasty and they're trying to shame people and write blogs about them and attack them in videos. | ||
| And they do not realize that while they're doing this, they're just setting a process in motion that is unavoidable. | ||
| You're putting out negative and it's going to come back. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And not only that, you're going to feel personally the effects of all that stuff. | ||
| Like when you're shitting on people and you ruin someone's life with some hate blog or something like that, and then that person attacks you. | ||
| Toxic. | ||
| Yeah, and people are going to know that you did that, so they're going to want to come back to you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're going to feel that you put something out there, so they're going to root for something to come back your way. | ||
| Ugh, I don't know how people survive that way. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| That's their game. | ||
| That's their game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gross. | |
| Because they don't have a real physical conflict. | ||
| Yeah, I think they probably... | ||
| So their conflict becomes that. | ||
| They probably came from families where they like to fight a lot, and it was like... | ||
| They're kind of built for that. | ||
| There's no sensitivity to... | ||
| They get programmed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a strange existence. | ||
| Well, we've all been in arguments before and we've all had that feeling after it's over, that gross feeling of the conflict feeling like, yeah, like, ugh, I hate this. | ||
| Like, how did I get sucked into this again? | ||
| Like, what did I do? | ||
| Like, why did I react like that? | ||
| Like, why am I here? | ||
| And there's people that have that feeling and they're constantly trying to avoid those situations, but they still come up occasionally and then they feel even worse when they come up. | ||
| Like, for me, conflict today feels so much worse than conflict felt like 10 or 15 or 20 years ago. | ||
| You personally. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When I'm involved in conflict, I'm so much more sensitive to how other people feel than I used to be. | ||
| 20 years ago, if I was in an altercation with someone, I was like, dude, go fuck yourself. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I'd walk away like it was nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'd only think twice. | ||
| And then as I got older, I'd always think, like, how am I coming off to that person? | ||
| Like, maybe I could have handled it better. | ||
| Like, maybe the communication, if I was just more calm. | ||
| Initially, they would have been more calm. | ||
| We could have laughed it off, you know? | ||
| Like the kid in the pool hall. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the kid in the pool hall was not a threat, and he was a young kid. | ||
| And I saw it, and I was like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| You're going to get hurt. | ||
| Like, don't do that. | ||
| But this, as I get older, there's this revelation that... | ||
| A lot of what we get into, a lot of these confrontations and arguments and disputes and a lot of negativity is all avoidable. | ||
| Like, it's not worth the attack. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I always felt that way, that it's a little more zen-like to go with it. | ||
| And then my buddy was saying, no, you're more like codependent. | ||
| You're trying to make other people happy to a point where it's a negative for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like when you were talking about you being 20 and just being like, oh, fuck yourself. | ||
| It's like, I never had that. | ||
| And I was always a little envious of that. | ||
| I had too much of it. | ||
| Like being on the road and somebody cuts you off and it's just like, you feel so bad. | ||
| And if someone gives you the finger, it's like, I carry that with me all day. | ||
| It's such an upsetting interaction. | ||
| No, I would still be upset. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I would still be upset all day. | ||
| Oh, you would? | ||
| Yeah, but I wouldn't feel bad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I would be like, that fucking piece of shit. | ||
| You'd be more angry at him. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I wouldn't feel bad. | ||
| They're like, oh, I could have avoided that confrontation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I wouldn't feel that. | ||
| I'd have a stupid way of looking at it, where instead of being philosophical about my own role in having this take place, and my own inability to manage the communication better. | ||
| Yeah, how to handle it. | ||
| Yeah, just... | ||
| It's like everything else. | ||
| You get better at catching balls. | ||
| Some dudes are way better at catching a baseball than you. | ||
| And if you go out and try to catch that baseball, you're like, it couldn't be caught. | ||
| It was out of my hands. | ||
| But meanwhile, someone who's way better at it would just snatch it out of the sky and be like, I got this. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Easy out. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's really essentially the same thing when you're communicating with people. | ||
| If you're not good at communicating, you have these awkward moments, and you're as much responsible for someone else getting pit. | ||
| Even if they did something wrong, Like, you're as much as responsible for it going bad as they are, in a way. | ||
| It's a difficult thing because you can sometimes be very aware of it and very sensitive to people and try and make everything cool, and then somebody says something or does something, and there's something inside us that just flares. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| Especially with booze. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's just like, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it catches you by surprise. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Yeah, but the problem is when it catches me by surprise, I'm always like, oh my god, my mouth is moving faster than my brain here. | ||
| I'm just saying aggressive things. | ||
| I haven't thought this through. | ||
| People do do that. | ||
| And then you're like, oh shit, better be poised for violence. | ||
| So you're like, your brain's on... | ||
| Then the communication skills are even worse. | ||
| Because I'm not really thinking about communicating. | ||
| I'm thinking, if I feel like you're moving in my direction too quickly... | ||
| I'm going to act. | ||
| So we're in this stage. | ||
| Do you have, because you know violence or you know fighting, you have been trained in it, you know it, you've lived aspect of it, Does it put you more on alert physically when you're out in the world? | ||
| I've seen people get punched. | ||
| I've seen people get punched where they didn't expect to get punched. | ||
| I've seen people get sucker punched and knocked unconscious. | ||
| It's fucking terrifying. | ||
| But I'm saying, do you... | ||
| People do do it. | ||
| I know the consequences of it. | ||
| No, but do you... | ||
| So do you, when you walk around the street, are you more... | ||
| Are you looking for violence more than someone that wasn't trained? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not to engage in it. | ||
| Oh, no, I know what you're saying. | ||
| Just to see it. | ||
| Are you aware of it happening more? | ||
| I'm definitely... | ||
| I definitely try to be aware when there's men and they're drinking. | ||
| Whenever there's men and they're drinking, or if you're in a poor neighborhood, like we were talking about being outside of a resort in Mexico and you see the military and you realize why it's there. | ||
| I just think that, for the most part, you're safe. | ||
| Like, almost everywhere. | ||
| It's being a man, especially. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think if you're a woman, it'd be a very different thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you have two things going on. | ||
| You got, one, the majority of the people around you that are men can overpower you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And two, the majority of people that are men might fuck you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, if you're an attractive woman in particular, and you're walking around, you have a nice body, like, you're just a goddamn asshole target. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, everywhere you go. | ||
| That's what they're thinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you put those yoga pants on, those Lululemons, those fuchsia yoga pants, and you've got that big juicy ass, and you're walking down the mall, you're going to get bombed on. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| Are you saying when I do it? | ||
| When I wear it. | ||
| You're a juicy guy. | ||
| But when you're not in those heightened situations, you're not thinking... | ||
| No. | ||
| But when people get inflamed, I get super nervous. | ||
| Because it's similar to the gun thing. | ||
| It's similar to like... | ||
| Well, it is a gun thing. | ||
| Well, if you have a gun, you're living... | ||
| Your reality's different. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Well, there's that. | ||
| But there's also like when people get upset and, you know, we're talking about things ramping up, like the momentum of them gets away from you and then you're saying things you haven't thought out yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People make actions that they haven't thought out yet. | ||
| And you're a reasonable guy, and I try to be pretty reasonable. | ||
| And if I'm saying this, and I'm admitting that the emotions can get carried away, especially when there's danger involved, I can get to saying things that I should have probably never said, because it just got away from me. | ||
| What about an idiot? | ||
| What about an idiot who's been abused as a child? | ||
| What about an idiot who's been beaten and abused as a child? | ||
| And it's almost like, feels like they're at such a deficit of love, and they are owed so much violence, that they're very capable of inflicting violence on random people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's just how they're programmed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that goes back to what we're talking about earlier, about real leaders. | ||
| If we had real leaders in real direction in this country, we would fix the educational system in these bad neighborhoods and spend a ton of money to try to rejuvenate these neighborhoods or have some sort of a plan to eliminate crime, to reduce crime, rather, to make it so safer. | ||
| And you've got to start with kids when they're really, really young. | ||
| You can't wait until they're 16, 17 and go in and just throw some money at it and expect it to work. | ||
| You've got to just dump tons of money into it. | ||
| You know, the private sector is the thing that does that more than the government. | ||
| It's profitable. | ||
| Or even the non-profits. | ||
| I did this gig last night when I was staying with Common last night. | ||
| It was this group called the Help Group. | ||
| So did you do stand-up? | ||
| I did stand-up and hosted the whole night. | ||
| And it's all about kids. | ||
| It's in LA and it's all about helping autistic kids, kids with special needs. | ||
| And you just watch. | ||
| It's such a nice thing to see all these people donating money, spending the night to support this school, that this woman's passion, just purely to help autistic kids Survive and find a way in the world. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Like, those kind of efforts, when you see, like, Bill Gates giving all of his money, there's so much positive... | ||
| Of course he does, though. | ||
| See, but Bill Gates is just trying to find programmers for Windows 30. He's only seen them now, and he's like, autistic kids, they're fucking wicked good at programming. | ||
| They sit in front of a computer, little freaks, just give them coffee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He calls it a camp, but it's really the back of Microsoft. | |
| Come on. | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| Hey, Billy, do you know that ones and zeros can represent computer language? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm? | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Sit them down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| This is interesting. | ||
| Show me who you are. | ||
| Tell your parents you want to live with me, Kenny. | ||
| You can stay in the place where I keep my submarine. | ||
| Whoa, interesting. | ||
| How's it propelled? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nuclear power. | |
| Nuclear power submarine. | ||
| When you get them... | ||
| But it really is pretty hopeful when you see these private groups with a lot of money pushing it. | ||
| The government doesn't do it anymore. | ||
| That feeling. | ||
| Anytime someone's doing something nice. | ||
| That feeling. | ||
| That feeling of, oh, a person's doing a nice thing. | ||
| Did you see what the Pope said about panhandlers last week? | ||
| That you can fuck them like you fuck kids? | ||
| Oh, you read it. | ||
| No, this Pope is anti-kid fucking. | ||
| He's not like that last guy. | ||
| No, he's totally not into it. | ||
| He said, you know, in the question of whether you should give or not, it always comes up. | ||
| And you think, well, is he going to use the money on? | ||
| Is it just for drugs? | ||
| Or am I doing it just to make myself feel better? | ||
| All these kind of questions come up when you pass someone who's asking you for money. | ||
| And he said, there's never anything wrong with giving. | ||
| There's never anything wrong with giving to someone who's asking. | ||
| They're asking for some reason, as a human being, it's okay to give. | ||
| And I thought, that's great. | ||
| And then I thought, but what he's not taking into consideration is, but then what about the guy, then you walk a block, and there's another guy, and another guy. | ||
| You run out of money. | ||
| You run out of money? | ||
| Or you then decide, no, I gave to that guy, and you're still in that space of, no, I'm a good person, but you still have to go through all that stuff in your head. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, when do you decide? | ||
| Yeah, at what point does it stop? | ||
| I'm good enough. | ||
| The Pope has never been to Santa Monica. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| One after the other, those homeless dudes with backpacks and dogs. | ||
| Right? | ||
| The homeless dudes with dogs are the weirdest. | ||
| Like, you are not planning anything, you fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| How are you feeding your dog when you don't have a roof? | ||
| It's so shitty. | ||
| It's totally shitty. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But it's also broken people. | ||
| It's like, well, who raised that guy? | ||
| Well, I guarantee you it wasn't some really awesome dad like Tom Papa in some really nice neighborhood. | ||
| No. | ||
| And everybody loved him, and there's a lot of family and friends around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| Hard times. | ||
| Hard times, man. | ||
| Hard fucked up times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard being a person even if you're just normal. | ||
| If you're just... | ||
| It's hard to keep it together. | ||
| It is, man. | ||
| It's hard for everybody, for all of us. | ||
| And it's hard for a bunch of reasons. | ||
| And one of the biggest reasons is that the reality of being a human being does not make sense. | ||
| It just doesn't. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, you need a job to do. | ||
| You gotta keep yourself busy. | ||
| That's the only way. | ||
| You have to have a passion, otherwise you start thinking, oh, here I am, clinging to this ball as it hurls through infinity, and worrying about the news. | ||
| Remember when your kids first show up, some of their first things, toys, Are like kitchen sets and workbenches. | ||
| And they just gravitate to it and want to do a project. | ||
| And they make together a fake breakfast and bring it over to you, waddle to you, and give it to you. | ||
| They want to be busy. | ||
| You want your head to do something. | ||
| You have to feed your brain some activity. | ||
| You really do. | ||
| Well, that's why TV's so dangerous. | ||
| It doesn't have to be something big, either. | ||
| It could be something small. | ||
| Just be into something. | ||
| That's why TV is so dangerous, because you could live your whole life without ever developing any interest. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You're just going from show to show to show, and your mind is now occupied on some other actions, extraneous actions. | ||
| They're not even in your immediate vicinity. | ||
| It's a positive thing when people ask me if I've seen this show, and I'm like, no. | ||
| What? | ||
| We just binged it. | ||
| You've got... | ||
| The more shows I say I haven't seen, it means I'm doing something right. | ||
| Yeah, I allow myself one show. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Do you have a rule? | ||
| I allow myself one show that I'm watching. | ||
| Oh, that's a good rule. | ||
| Yeah, right now it's House of Cards, which is great because I just got into it a little bit ago. | ||
| So I'm only on season three and there's like two whole seasons to watch. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| But one show is good. | ||
| So if I watch an hour of TV a night, that's good. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That's plenty. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| You should be doing something else. | ||
| I need to do more shit, though. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You got the bow? | ||
| No, but I'm feeling right now I need to do something new. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't feel like I'm stagnant because I'm constantly in motion. | ||
| It's all very positive, and I appreciate all the good things that are happening, and I appreciate all the people that enjoy the podcast and the comedy shows and all that stuff, but man, right now I feel like I need to wrap my brain around something fresh and novel and new. | ||
| Have you ever tried baking bread? | ||
| Not interested. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| I don't even eat it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| But you can give it... | ||
| Your kids probably do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Give my kids shit that I won't even eat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ridiculous. | |
| How dare you? | ||
| Bread tastes awesome. | ||
| I would do bread like once a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is a great... | |
| So maybe I would cook bread on Sunday. | ||
| It's a great mental... | ||
| It is that thing that I found. | ||
| Like I was kind of the same way. | ||
| And it kind of gave me... | ||
| I'm not saying it has to be Brad, but some kind of thing like that, where it's something that grounds you. | ||
| I think I'm going to write a book. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Yeah, I've been gearing up for that over the last couple of days. | ||
| I've been thinking, I need some sort of a project to wrap my head around, other than all the shit that I'm already doing. | ||
| I'm writing one right now. | ||
| I have a deadline in May. | ||
| How many pictures is in it? | ||
| There better be a lot. | ||
| I don't read books about pictures, bro. | ||
| If I had to hand it in right now, it would have to have a lot of pictures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a bear. | |
| Let's do a photo shoot. | ||
| You and me. | ||
| It's me and Tom. | ||
| Hey, we're at a podcast. | ||
| Why are there 20 pictures of you and Joe Rogan? | ||
| We need to fill pages. | ||
| Can I have my check, please? | ||
| I wasn't writing a lot, though. | ||
| You said 200 pages. | ||
| It's got 200 pages. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, that would be perfect. | ||
| It's a bear. | ||
| Well, I used to do blogs all the time. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, at the very least I'm going to start writing blogs again. | ||
| You should do a book. | ||
| I'm not trying to talk you out of it. | ||
| I, as a fan and a friend, would like that there would be a Joe Rogan book out there. | ||
| I'm going to lie about everything. | ||
| I'm going to make up stories. | ||
| I'm going to make a gonzo journalism book where I'm going to have some aspects of my life and then it'll be like, remember when Chuck Woolery, not Chuck Woolery, Chuck Barris. | ||
| Chuck Barris. | ||
| They did a whole movie about him being an assassin for the government. | ||
| He was the host of the Gong Show and killing people for the CIA. I'm going to do that. | ||
| I'm going to have most of the real stories of my childhood intertwined with murderers and werewolves and fucking vampires. | ||
| That's a great book. | ||
| Call it Truth or Not. | ||
| You see this fucking latest shit about WikiLeaks saying that the CIA has access to all of our phones? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vault 7? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Get the leaks today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I didn't look through it yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| Pull up an article because Edward Snowden was saying that it's not whether or not they can access, you know, whether they have access to your encrypted shit. | ||
| It's like that they've hacked Android and iOS. | ||
| Like, they can get into Android and iOS. | ||
| So if you're some... | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| They're saying they use it for espionage, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, like, if the Russians are here, they want to find out what they're up to, you can hack into their phone, you can get their data. | ||
| Well, they're doing it, too. | ||
| So, like, if somehow or another we stop the CIA from doing it... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Would you want, if Russia's doing it and China's doing it... | ||
| And North Korea. | ||
| And then all of a sudden the CIA can't do it anymore, aren't they at a disadvantage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That seems, that seems like we don't know what the fuck we're doing. | ||
| PSA, this incorrectly implies the CIA hacked those apps, these apps, forward slash encryption, but the docs show iOS, forward slash Android are what got hacked, a much bigger problem. | ||
| So still working through the publications, but what WikiLeaks has here is a genuinely, is genuinely a big deal, looks authentic. | ||
| See, but I just, I feel like we have to be very careful if other people are doing things. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, like, if you talk to people in the intelligence community, and I don't talk to a lot of them, but I have talked to a few, what they will tell you is you have to understand that what the majority of the American public thinks is going on in the world and what their motives are and what kind of espionage and fucking dirty tricks take place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It's way worse than you think it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're way lucky that you're sheltered from all this stuff. | ||
| And there's some bad fucking things that are going on in the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And one of those things is, I mean, what you're looking at in Russia right now is like an emerging superpower run by a dictator. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And anybody who opposes him winds up dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen all those fucking Russians that have wound up dead recently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're attached to these leaks? | ||
| Wasn't there, like, what's the latest count? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sixth yesterday? | |
| I don't know if it... | ||
| I think there was a seventh one yesterday that died. | ||
| Just taking people out? | ||
| People are just mysteriously getting whacked, and they're billionaires. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They're whacking billionaires. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| They're just whacking people. | ||
| You know too much? | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Come fish. | ||
| Let's go fishing. | ||
| These guys are disappearing. | ||
| They're not fucking around, Tom Papa. | ||
| Do you think they control... | ||
| Do you think that they... | ||
| Did they... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Russian diplomats keep dying unexpectedly. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Holy shit, he's terrifying to me. | ||
| He is terrifying. | ||
| He's like one of those hell pigs. | ||
| See, we want to think that the world has learned from Hitler and Stalin and Mussolini. | ||
| The world has learned. | ||
| They're not going to do that again. | ||
| I don't buy that. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| What did they say the number was? | ||
| This says on here, six have died since November. | ||
| This was on the 26th. | ||
| So doesn't that make you more frightened that they were interfering in our election? | ||
| Well, they certainly were aware of what was going on, and they certainly had access to some documents about the DNC. What concerns me is people that are ignoring, although that is an issue for sure, right? | ||
| But they're ignoring that what they did was... | ||
| They let us know about some horrible shit that the Democrats were up to where they were rigging the primaries and fucking over Bernie Sanders because he was too powerful and too dangerous to Hillary Clinton. | ||
| So they colluded. | ||
| They all used... | ||
| They conspired, rather, and they all used their influence to fuck over Bernie Sanders. | ||
| And then saying that the Russians hacked the election because they exposed that the Democrats are a bunch of cheating creeps It's kind of disingenuous. | ||
| Because yes, they did hack the election because they did release some of that information, so they did have an impact on it. | ||
| But that impact was essentially the truth and something that we really deserve to know in the first place. | ||
| We deserve to know the inner workings of the DNC. We deserve to know that they are getting in the way of democracy. | ||
| They're rigging it. | ||
| Yeah, well, they're... | ||
| Yeah, they're rigging it. | ||
| Politics is always dirty. | ||
| It's not politics. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| What they were doing was wrong. | ||
| What they were doing was they were interfering with the democratic process. | ||
| Whether or not it's illegal, it could be argued in court and maybe should be. | ||
| But it's most certainly not what anybody wants. | ||
| We don't want the DNC to dictate who the winner of the primary is. | ||
| We want the people to dictate it. | ||
| We also didn't want Joe Kennedy putting... | ||
| People didn't want Joe Kennedy putting his bribing and stealing votes for his son to be elected. | ||
| This stuff is always going on. | ||
| But that doesn't excuse it. | ||
| But the sidling up to that guy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That that guy, for whatever reason it is, he wants to defeat us, right? | ||
| So any kind of influence and that people within that campaign are now having to... | ||
| They're getting caught talking to them. | ||
| And then they lied about it for some reason. | ||
| They didn't want people to know whatever that was about. | ||
| And now you have this foreign enemy who is now... | ||
| Sidled up with a lot of the people who are now running our government. | ||
| A government, by the way, that is hell-bent on tearing a lot of stuff down. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| But the only reason why it worked at all was because the Democrats were involved in shady shit. | ||
| It's not like they made up some stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you see what I'm saying? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She's dirty. | ||
| They were dirty. | ||
| The DNC was dirty. | ||
| But I'll give you that. | ||
| The result's not good. | ||
| The result's not good. | ||
| You know, having Donald Trump win in this fashion and having the Russians interfere and then also having some sort of an influence on him financially, all those things are not good. | ||
| But it's a little disingenuous to ignore the fact that Hillary was a terrible candidate. | ||
| She was so compromised from so many different angles. | ||
| I mean, she didn't support gay marriage until 2013, I think it was. | ||
| Not only that, the Clinton Foundation is just a disaster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole thing is just filled with scary shit. | |
| Yeah, and look, she was definitely disliked by a lot of people from being there for a lot of time doing stuff that made a lot of people very nauseous. | ||
| I get all that. | ||
| She's not honest. | ||
| But I don't want to go back and redo the election, but just that... | ||
| Just does it concern you that if, let's say, let's be conspiracy theories on this, let's say that the Russians have so much more influence over this president. | ||
| He's, by the way, putting his America first, is using Russian steel for that pipeline that's going through the Indians. | ||
| If he's that tied to them, And Russia's an enemy of ours. | ||
| They want us to fail. | ||
| And now they have an administration that wants to tear stuff down. | ||
| Could that be a conspiracy theory on that side? | ||
| It certainly could. | ||
| But here's the problem. | ||
| You're saying they, like the Russians, they want to do this, they want to do that. | ||
| We're buying their steel. | ||
| They don't operate as an individual. | ||
| There are a bunch of people that are trapped in this dictatorship with this Russian oligarch. | ||
| Yeah, well, it is Putin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| It's when you are buying things, if you're buying things from Russians, are there individuals over there? | ||
| Or is everything Russia, an entity? | ||
| And that entity wants us dead, wants us doomed. | ||
| Isn't it possible? | ||
| No, it's not the people. | ||
| Well, isn't it possible that their government can evolve, and they can eventually not have that guy in place, that something could take place? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they could also prosper from this age of information? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Right. | ||
| People to people, 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this guy is doing this thing. | ||
| I don't know what he's doing. | ||
| With our guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what he's doing. | |
| I'm saying if this conspiracy... | ||
| To just take the fantasy of are these guys right? | ||
| Because like you're saying... | ||
| The WikiLeaks exposed that at the DNC. There's also a lot of dirty stuff we don't even know right now that's going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| On both sides. | ||
| Let's just take this fantasy of, okay, so Putin has really aggressively wanted this administration in. | ||
| They wanted a Bannon who wants to tear stuff down. | ||
| This is an advantage for us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you can expose that, I think that's a big deal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also scary. | ||
| But here's the problem. | ||
| You're making a bunch of stuff up in order because it's a fantasy. | ||
| Yeah, but that's... | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to do it. | ||
| Of course you could, and it's something that should be considered. | ||
| But it's a weird thing when you start making up motives and potential outcomes. | ||
| Look, it's not good. | ||
| That's why they're investigating. | ||
| They're trying to find the answers of what this stuff really is. | ||
| Well, there's all sorts of shit that's not good. | ||
| There's all sorts of shit that's not good about this whole situation. | ||
| There's way too much power and influence by one person and that person's cabinet and that person's choices, like what choice they make on the rest of us. | ||
| And we're seeing that now. | ||
| It's way too much. | ||
| It's way too much. | ||
| And it's more than we've ever seen before. | ||
| We've never seen someone come in with a sweeping brush of change and just decide, nope, fuck Obamacare, nope, building that fucking wall, nope, we're running those pipes, nope, Dakota Pipeline, fuck you, we're coming through. | ||
| Like, whoa, and it's happening within the first 60 days. | ||
| Doesn't it seem a lot of it's mean? | ||
| Mean? | ||
| Let's take, you know, I vote on both sides. | ||
| Dakota Pipeline seems mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seems scary. | |
| Dumping waste into the water seems mean. | ||
| What is that waste in the water? | ||
| Where are they dumping? | ||
| Coal waste. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| They made it illegal in West Virginia so that you couldn't dump coal waste. | ||
| Now you can dump it again? | ||
| Now you can dump it again. | ||
| Like, there's, like, I want, uh, talk about shutting down, um, PBS. That's scary. | ||
| Well, those guys suck, though. | ||
| They're boring. | ||
| They're always monotone. | ||
| I know, they're boring. | ||
| But this is all mean shit. | ||
| Like, why go after the people making cooking shows? | ||
| Because those people are attacking him, right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No, it's always a Republican thing. | ||
| I think it's just to get people mad. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, just can't you act out of kindness? | ||
| If you enjoyed any part of this program and you'd like to donate, please do. | ||
| We survive on donations. | ||
| We appreciate you. | ||
| I always think that those guys just can't wait. | ||
| As soon as that fucking show's on, they run home and put a ball gag on and punch themselves in the dick. | ||
| They're so tied down. | ||
| That's so not how a man thinks or talks. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Thank you for tuning in to PBS. Very interesting. | ||
| Fresh Air with Terry Gross is up next. | ||
| Very interesting. | ||
| We're going to talk about... | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Who are you, you fuck? | ||
| What would you do if a terrorist attack was happening right now? | ||
| What would you do if a man came in with his dick in his hand and wanted to fuck your mouth? | ||
| How would you react? | ||
| Well, I mean, there's probably a reason he wants to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We have to understand that I'm not consenting. | ||
| I'm not consenting to you doing this to me. | ||
| There's probably a very good reason. | ||
| His father probably did it to him, and I just don't... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It feels like... | ||
| Can we come from a place of kindness rather than... | ||
| Well, he's about prosperity right now. | ||
| He's ramping up the prosperity. | ||
| That's what he wants to do. | ||
| I think he feels like he can get people to love him again and get the country on track if he creates all these jobs. | ||
| That's why he had this big video announcement yesterday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who'd be great! | |
| Where he was talking about Exxon investing in the Gulf Coast and they're going to get all these jobs and there's going to be like 45,000 jobs and the jobs are going to be paying $100,000 on the average. | ||
| So all these great jobs and he's very excited about announcing that. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| It's all tied to oil. | ||
| It's all tied to oil. | ||
| That's where the money is and resources, right? | ||
| In that model, in that old model. | ||
| It doesn't have to be that model. | ||
| But he wants to get America back on track. | ||
| Tesla's putting tons of people to work. | ||
| Thousands. | ||
| Thousands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're also killing people. | |
| They're fucking driving cars. | ||
| They're killing people. | ||
| I love how people have brought up, two people have died. | ||
| Yeah, two. | ||
| Who are acting like schmucks, by the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who are looking at videos on his iPad. | ||
| Dude, autonomous cars are coming, whether you like it or not. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Do you do it with yours? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You turn your Tesla on, just start beating off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I'm hard right now that you just said Tesla. | ||
| Do you do it everywhere, or just on the highway, or how do you do it? | ||
| On the freeway, yeah. | ||
| And do you put your hands on the wheel at all? | ||
| Sometimes, a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, I'll keep them loose on it, but sometimes if it's traffic, I don't touch it at all, and I'm just returning emails. | ||
| You're returning emails while you're driving! | ||
| I'm not driving, the car's driving. | ||
| That's so nuts, man. | ||
| Yeah, if you're in traffic, just going, you know, the car takes over. | ||
| It takes the exit that it's supposed to take? | ||
| No, you gotta do that. | ||
| You take over when you leave it. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| The next version that comes out the end of this year is gonna do something. | ||
| What do you mean by when you leave it? | ||
| The freeway. | ||
| Oh, so it only works on the freeway? | ||
| No, it works on the side streets, but it doesn't read stop signs or traffic lights. | ||
| What kind of piece of shit is this? | ||
| It hasn't got the update. | ||
| It needs the GPS information. | ||
| And all this other stuff to work to do surface streets. | ||
| Because when it's on the freeway, the car is reading, the car is in front of it, around it. | ||
| But doesn't have GPS? And the signs, the signs for how fast you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Deer crossing. | |
| Deer crossing. | ||
| Deaf child. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, Mexicans run across the family. | |
| That's the most depressing fucking thing ever when you're driving from San Diego and you see that beware of immigrant crossing. | ||
| It's like a mother holding a child's hand, the father's holding the mother's hand. | ||
| Like, oh man. | ||
| Let those fucking people come over here. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| I was just in Mexico doing a gig and I kept asking people about... | ||
| About Trump, they would, you know, they'd ask us about Trump or, you know, the whole Mexican thing. | ||
| And a couple of them, especially the last guy, was like, yeah, I don't know, everybody, I don't know, he seems bad, but have you met our president? | ||
| Oh, their president's terrible. | ||
| He's the most corrupt guy. | ||
| He doesn't help any of us. | ||
| He's awful. | ||
| It was like, oh, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's way worse. | ||
| Your leader's a shithead, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All these leaders, all of them. | ||
| Yeah, and these are the leaders that are probably the best. | ||
| How about that guy in the Philippines? | ||
| He's just shooting people. | ||
| If you're out there doing drugs, I'm shooting you. | ||
| You're shooting drug dealers, killing everybody. | ||
| You've got to do what you've got to do. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| That's how I rule. | ||
| That's how I clean the streets up. | ||
| Bullets. | ||
| I'm tired. | ||
| I want to go to bed. | ||
| I want to have a sandwich. | ||
| No, so I hit that Tesla, especially when I drive to school in the morning and drop the kids off. | ||
| Don't you think now, I mean, I'm always trying to be this glasses half full guy. | ||
| Don't you think that the reaction that people are having to all these new policies is going to invigorate our political system because it's going to inspire people to act and to do something and to make some positive change and that people are going to realize how important it is to get involved and what the consequences are to the environment, to the world, to the future if we let someone come in and just solely concentrate on profits, which is what you're... | ||
| Assuming that they're going to do, and they're going to lean towards that, and they're going to lower the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations, and lower the standards for emissions, and more pollution in the fucking coal mine shit and all that. | ||
| Because it's running it like a business. | ||
| People are going to have to react to that. | ||
| It's going to swing the other way. | ||
| There's actually an editorial of the guy who was the head of the EPA during Reagan, and he was warning Pruitt, That Americans have a breaking point. | ||
| They do not like it when they think that the environment and their health is in danger. | ||
| Because that's our families, that's our children, that's our lives. | ||
| And Reagan came in and he was going to do some big sweeping things that were going to be more profitable and give us more jobs. | ||
| And the fierce fight back from the Americans I think it's entirely possible that you could deal with eco-terrorism as well, whereas someone could decide that this path is wrong and evil and that the best way to subvert it would be to do something, blow something up or something, you know, have some sort of a reaction where you damage the company or damage the public image or... | ||
| I mean, all this is really tricky five-dimensional chess that these people are playing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, especially when you're dealing with foreign entities. | ||
| Now, North Korea's testing nuclear or ballistic missiles, rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And Russia is... | ||
| I mean, the whole thing is... | ||
| Apparently, that's what Obama told Donald Trump when he was coming in, that His greatest concern is North Korea. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That guy is a fucking psychopath. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just killed his half-brother. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He had someone spray him. | ||
| Poison in an airport. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the people that were doing it thought it was a prank. | ||
| Yeah, they were dressed like they were doing a prank. | ||
| Didn't they think they were doing a prank? | ||
| They didn't realize? | ||
| I believe that they didn't even realize that they were doing it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe I made that up. | ||
| No, I think you're right. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| No, it's a crazy world, Joe Rogan, but I think you've got to have hope. | ||
| And there's lots of good people out there doing good things. | ||
| And you can go see Tom Papa live at a stand-up comedy club near you. | ||
| Or clubs and colleges, occasionally theaters. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Or listen to my podcast, Come to Papa. | ||
| Or watch his new special, which is now going to be out on Hulu. | ||
| It's coming on Hulu. | ||
| When? | ||
| Tomorrow? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| What's it called? | ||
| And Amazon. | ||
| It's called Human Mule. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Like a drug mule? | ||
| No. | ||
| What's it about? | ||
| A father. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Just a dad. | ||
| Well, Tom, we gotta do this more often. | ||
| I always say this, but I'm glad we did it quick compared to the last one. | ||
| Yeah, this is good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's always fun, man. | |
| Always fun talking to you. | ||
| I always love coming in. | ||
| And I love your fans. | ||
| Can I say? | ||
| Your fans are great. | ||
| They're nice people, right? | ||
| They're such nice people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| They really are great people. | ||
| You know, I've done some very popular radio shows where people are... | ||
| Awful. | ||
| You know, funny, but awful. | ||
| Your people are like, I get more responses of people asking about how to make bread and sending me their recipes and stuff, and just really funny they've seen us perform together or whatever. | ||
| They're just, you have a cool crowd. | ||
| Well, people really enjoy you too and the kind of perspective that you provided today where you're, you know, leaning towards just being nicer and being kinder and not getting involved in any bullshit and recognizing that that's what makes people happy. | ||
| It's just to find a passion, follow it, enjoy yourself, live your life, be nice. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| We are in prime time. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes. | |
| If you are listening to this show, if you're doing this show, it's not, this is it. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This is where, this is the good part. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| You're not getting more hair or stronger hips. | ||
| It doesn't get better. | ||
| We're peaking, everybody. | ||
| We're peaking. | ||
| I'm feeling it. | ||
| I'm feeling it. | ||
| You're the best, Tom Papa. | ||
| Mighty Joe. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| We'll see you soon. |
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