Aug. 31, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:14:31
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
And we're live. | |
| Yes. | ||
| This is how we're going to start it off. | ||
| We're going to build today, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We're going to start slow. | ||
| And we're going to build. | ||
| Gregory! | ||
| How are you, buddy? | ||
| Joseph, we have a lot to talk about. | ||
| We do. | ||
| Jesus, we got an Italy trip. | ||
| We were both overlapped in Italy. | ||
| I fucking love the bit you're doing about the guy over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to give the bit away. | |
| I'll just say, I saw a guy walking down the street, my sister pointed out, they're so fucking animated over there. | ||
| You see, Italian-Americans are kind of animated. | ||
| Italian-Italians, the guy's walking down the street on his cell phone, and I don't know what he's saying, and he's getting so animated, he stops, puts his briefcase down so he can pinch his fingers together and wave his hand up and down. | ||
| With the cigarette dangling and... | ||
| Have you seen the Italian Dan Bilzerian? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's an Italian version of Dan Bilzerian. | ||
| So you got Dan Bilzerian, who's this super wealthy poker player, gambler character, international playboy type dude, worth fucking hundreds of millions of dollars, and just every picture is him in a jet and him getting blown by 50 chicks, you know? | ||
| Well, there's this guy in Italy, and all he does is take videos of him and his super hot fiancee dancing. | ||
| And apparently he's this huge celebrity in Italy, and he's an older guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's actually my age, but he just looks older. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| 50-year-old millionaire is cooler than Dan Bilzerian. | ||
| Oh, and he's fucking ripped. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he's shredded. | ||
| Tatted up. | ||
| And he could dance. | ||
| Go to his Instagram page. | ||
| Oh, I love that guy. | ||
| One of them became famous. | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| It's one with him and the girl. | ||
| Yeah, that's his page. | ||
| I'll tell you. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| Keep scrolling down. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Just scroll down a little. | ||
| I'll tell you which one to click on. | ||
| He's got a gang of them on his page, but one of them sort of caught fire on the internet, and people started paying attention to it, and then it became this big thing. | ||
| A little bit more. | ||
| It's all just pictures. | ||
| No, that's it. | ||
| The left-hand side. | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| Yeah, that's just one of them. | ||
| This is not even the best one. | ||
| I mean, it's like him and this girl, like, dancing. | ||
| And she's... | ||
| Hot as fuck. | ||
| And even though he's my age, this dude is like well leathered from the sun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he's constantly out in the sun. | ||
| He's never worn sunblock in his life. | ||
| No. | ||
| Nor has she. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Look at the body on her. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And he's in great shape too, man. | ||
| Look at her feet. | ||
| Beautiful feet. | ||
| But I mean, this is what it is. | ||
| A dude basically in his underwear with a girl in her underwear, and they're all sweaty and dancing around. | ||
| On a gorgeous rooftop villa with a pool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just super ballin'. | ||
| They're super ballin' publicly. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes I see rappers and they've got the yacht and they've got all that and then they've got this dour face painted on where you look like, dude, do you realize you're on the roof of a fucking, you know, yacht and you've got beautiful women standing around you and there's music? | ||
| Why don't you get involved a little bit? | ||
| Dude, it's hard out there. | ||
| It's hard out there for a pimp. | ||
| They took down Chris Brown. | ||
| Yeah, what happened? | ||
| I just saw that he was arrested. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I turned on the TV yesterday at noon, and this was the first I'd heard of it. | ||
| There was a standoff at his house. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| What the hell is this? | ||
| So apparently they had been there since three o'clock in the morning. | ||
| So they'd already been there for nine hours. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Yeah, and they didn't have a warrant, but they were surrounding his house, and there was helicopter footage of it, so they're showing it on the news. | ||
| Helicopters circling Chris Brown's house, cops all down the driveway. | ||
| He lives on a cul-de-sac, so there's all these cops all lined up down the street. | ||
| Cops everywhere. | ||
| Like, a ton of cops. | ||
| Like, they're responding like this is an armed, dangerous guy, like they would any other armed, dangerous guy. | ||
| And it's just him? | ||
| It's just him, and apparently some girl, he might have had some friends at home with him, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it was just him, and he said they were at some party or something like that, and the girl said he pulled a gun on him. | ||
| He pulled the gun on her. | ||
| And so I guess she called the cops. | ||
| There was more people there. | ||
| The story I heard was that a friend of his had a bunch of jewelry out. | ||
| Oh, at the party, you mean? | ||
| And her and her friend went to look at the jewelry. | ||
| And when they started asking about the jewelry, Chris freaked out on them and said, get the fuck out of my house. | ||
| I don't want you girls here anymore. | ||
| And one of his friends grabbed her phone and tried to say, like, I'm not going to give it back to you to sign an NDA. And then she said she wouldn't do it, snatched her phone and ran out. | ||
| This was according to her, though, too. | ||
| So... | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's hard out there for a pimp. | ||
| Sketchy all around. | ||
| Sketchy all around, right? | ||
| I mean, it's like, what do you say about something like that? | ||
| Like, what the fuck really happened? | ||
| And why is your friend showing jewelry at your house? | ||
| I mean, every detail of it is twisted. | ||
| It's all so stupid. | ||
| So he makes a ton of videos and puts them on Instagram. | ||
| Chris Brown? | ||
| Yeah, of him, you know, giving his side of what things are. | ||
| And he's keeping it real, essentially, on his videos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's smoking a cigarette. | ||
| It's very sketch. | ||
| So they didn't hold on to him. | ||
| They arrested him, and then he's out. | ||
| They arrested the fuck out of him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if they kept him, but, I mean, they went in and they booked him for assault with a deadly weapon. | ||
| Or attempted assault with a deadly weapon. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| How long until he's saying that the cops were roughing him up? | ||
| I'm sure they have video footage of everything. | ||
| They wouldn't be crazy. | ||
| They would be crazy not to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| Like, who the fuck knows? | ||
| Didn't Chris Brown, like, fuck his underage cousin and then piss on somebody? | ||
| No, that was R. Kelly. | ||
| You're combining, like, three different black people. | ||
| I don't know who fucked their cousin, but R. Kelly was peeing on people. | ||
| Didn't he used to put women to sleep and molest them? | ||
| No, that's the other guy. | ||
| That's Bill Cosby. | ||
| Oh, got it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| I can't tell black people who art. | ||
| I just realized that. | ||
| You confused R. Kelly and Chris Brown. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| Are they close? | ||
| They're off by like 15, 20 years. | ||
| One of them is our age. | ||
|
unidentified
|
R. Kelly, he's 49. And when did he play basketball? | |
| He didn't play basketball. | ||
| He's a singer. | ||
| He's a singer. | ||
| Oh, got it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know any of his songs other than the really hilarious ones. | ||
| But have you ever heard Real Talk? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| I wish we could play it, but we'd get the boot off the YouTube. | ||
| I gotta play it for you. | ||
| It's fucking brilliant. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| It's fucking brilliant. | ||
| And it's humorous. | ||
| Not on purpose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| No. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| It's all about him getting in an argument with a girl on the phone. | ||
| We'll see if we can play part of it. | ||
| We'll play part of it. | ||
| Why, they flag it that quick? | ||
| We'll just keep their part off the YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| They have a computer that does it. | ||
| If you play someone's song, You don't have permission. | ||
| If you show a video, you don't have permission. | ||
| You know, people own their property. | ||
| So if some guy has a video, like here was an issue. | ||
| There was a guy, like wildlife videos. | ||
| A guy might have a video of a crocodile walking across a golf course. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| A giant alligator. | ||
| Huge? | ||
| Huge! | ||
| Like 15 feet long. | ||
| Enormous. | ||
| I put it up on my Facebook, because I just retweeted like a YouTube video that somebody posted up. | ||
| Or I put a link up to it, like check this shit out. | ||
| That's all I did. | ||
| I didn't upload it to Facebook. | ||
| And Facebook took my account down for like three days. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah, they wouldn't let me post a video for three days. | ||
| So what's the lesson there? | ||
| Somebody owns that video. | ||
| Don't retweet anything? | ||
| I don't think it was correctly done. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think maybe I retweeted someone who had illegally put it up or something like that. | ||
| I don't remember the full details of it because I retweet shit constantly. | ||
| When people send me something that's cool, I'm like, I would want to see this. | ||
| So I send it to everybody that's... | ||
| Yeah, they shouldn't penalize a retweet. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I mean, maybe I put a link up to the video, but I definitely didn't upload the video. | ||
| It's somebody else's video. | ||
| It was on, you know, whatever it was, whatever, LiveLeak, who knows what the fuck it was on, but somebody decided they own that video, and it's got more than 20 million hits now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like when a video becomes that popular, I think they can make a fuckload of money from it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It becomes like a television show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So if we play this... | ||
| We'll get kicked off YouTube, but you got to hear it. | ||
| So this part is not on YouTube, right? | ||
| People can't hear it? | ||
| This is Chris Brown. | ||
| No, you got two things going on at the same hand, Young Jamie. | ||
| Young Jamie's Captain Tabs. | ||
| He loves them Tabs. | ||
| For the people listening, what this is, is he's sitting there He's got a box of cigars he's opened up. | ||
| He's got sunglasses on and he says, I'm just gonna be real. | ||
| I'm just gonna be real. | ||
| He's got on Gucci sunglasses that say Gucci across the front. | ||
| They have to. | ||
| And so he's pouring himself a nice drink. | ||
| He's got a stogie going. | ||
| He's calming this girl down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was at a club with who? | |
| What? | ||
| He's keeping it real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called Real Talk. | |
| Real Talk. | ||
| I'm trying to establish... | ||
| What's wrong? | ||
| And while he's talking to her, another girl's braiding his hair. | ||
| Because she saw me at the club with some other bitches. | ||
| Tell me, girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did she say there were other guys there? | |
| This is... | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| Do you know how good that is? | ||
| Well, there are other guys there who tell me this. | ||
| Back that up. | ||
| We've got to hear that again. | ||
| It's not even a lyric. | ||
| It's just him ranting to a friend with a beat under it. | ||
| Just play a little bit of that. | ||
| Just play a little bit of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, come on, man! | |
| How the fuck do you know I was with those other girls, man? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Goddammit, he's good. | ||
| He's living it. | ||
| It's like if he's a brilliant comedian, just a brilliant Andy Kaufman times 100, and he's committed to this character, and he's literally gone out and peed on girls on video just for this character, he's delivering it in the most subtle of parodies. | ||
| Tell me this, Dan. | ||
| When I was down in, I used to write for a show. | ||
| You know T.I.? The rapper? | ||
| The rapper T.I. I've heard of him. | ||
| He's like an Atlanta-based kind of gangster rapper. | ||
| R. Kelly has 40 more chapters of Trapped in the Closet planned. | ||
| What's trapped in the closet? | ||
| He didn't write a book. | ||
| No, it's way better than a book. | ||
| It's like a musical. | ||
| Like a story gets told over a rap musical with the most preposterous lyrics of all time. | ||
| Like he wrote them five minutes before he decided to film this whole thing. | ||
| It's a South Park parody, too. | ||
| They did a whole thing on it, too. | ||
| South Park did a whole thing with Tom Cruise. | ||
| Were Tom Cruise's in the closet? | ||
| Oh yeah, I saw that. | ||
| It was like a Scientology gay double whammy attack. | ||
| And they used trapped in the closet. | ||
| There's already 33 chapters to it. | ||
| Oh Jesus. | ||
| So it's doing well. | ||
| Dude, people love him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They love that guy. | ||
| He's like the bump and grind guy, is that him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| And I Believe I Can Fly from Space Jam. | ||
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| That did it. | ||
| That did it. | ||
| That touched a lot of people's hearts, Jamie. | ||
| That was his song, I Believe I Can Fly? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's got a good voice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's got a great voice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a great voice, but goddamn that video is awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That shit's awesome. | ||
| I mean, just imagine waking up in the morning and being that guy and deciding, I'm gonna wear that purple fuchsia studded jacket today. | ||
| I'm gonna get high immediately. | ||
| Yeah, you could do it. | ||
| You could kind of, anybody could kind of do it. | ||
| When do the bitches get there? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Like, do you call the bitches or do they just show up? | ||
| Um, I think they just come with the contract or something. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You don't get your security deposit back if they're dead. | ||
| They're just there. | ||
| It's like a natural ecosystem. | ||
| You look at a reef. | ||
| What does it have? | ||
| It has clams. | ||
| It has crabs. | ||
| It has plankton. | ||
| Feeder fish. | ||
| They're feeder fish. | ||
| Do you have expensive cars? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Are there mansions? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is there jewelry involved? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay, well, the bitches will be there. | ||
| They'll find their way. | ||
| They've heard about it. | ||
| It's... | ||
| It's like they've got a friend at the jewelry store going, yeah, there's a bag of diamonds going up to 3200 Mulholland. | ||
| They smell it. | ||
| It's in the air. | ||
| There's a certain kind of hoochie mama that just smells that stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she just shows up. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I mean, studying nature is like an outsider. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It feels like looking at humans. | ||
| That's what you should do is like a Bear Grylls kind of a show, but it's just you exploring social phenomenons like R. Kelly. | ||
| Treating them like they're in the wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, there's a lot of stuff you could treat like that if you just studied it as a scientist, right? | ||
| Wouldn't you want to get involved with rodeo culture? | ||
| Tell me you wouldn't want to be around the people that are ultra-rodeo people that love rodeo and you'd hang out with them and be with them every day for a couple months, like Louis Theroux style. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Embed yourself. | ||
| Yeah, like Louis Theroux, when he does these documentaries, he goes to a place. | ||
| He went to Africa for three months and hung out in a hunting camp and hung out with these people until he annoyed them to the point where they got mad at him and gave him some good footage. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Oh, that's what he was looking for. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| He was looking to understand it, but after a while, the best footage came out of this guy just getting really pissed at him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that if you embedded yourself in like, okay, how about a coal mining town? | ||
| Embed yourself in a coal mining town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen to the music, date a local girl who's got teeth knocked out. | ||
| Even worse, get a job. | ||
| Get a job at the mine. | ||
| Work and live in the mine for a couple months. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then do something on that. | ||
| See, there's some weird pockets of humanity in this fucking country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just in this country. | ||
| Like, forget about the world. | ||
| Well, what about the ultra-rich going to a country club in West Palm Beach that has no black members and it's all like, you know, Fortune 500 CEOs and old fucking money, just blue blood dripping out of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| If you could get access to that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What kind of stock tips are going on in that steam room? | ||
| You know, they are the reptilians. | ||
| They're deciding when the market goes up and down, interest rates, foreign policy. | ||
| It's all happening in that fucking steam room. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's a lot of that, right? | ||
| Golf games. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| How much gets done on golf courses? | ||
| Like, you almost have to play golf. | ||
| If you're like a big-time businessman, you almost have to play golf. | ||
| Which is time-consuming as shit. | ||
| It's five hours out there, you gotta get there, then there's a drink afterwards. | ||
| It's a whole fucking day. | ||
| That's the thing about golf, is it requires the money to join, and then also the wealth to not have to be working that day. | ||
| That's a giant chunk of time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Obama plays golf, does he play golf for that long? | ||
| No, because they'll clear the course for him, and then they have four caddies, who are guys that stand up about 100 yards ahead of you, and they spot your ball. | ||
| So by the time you drive up in the cart, he's already got the ball, and he's running ahead. | ||
| And so they probably get around in about two and a half hours. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Bush used to run golf. | ||
| I'd never heard of the sport before, but his family does it. | ||
| You jog and hit the ball and keep jogging. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would play golf in like 45 minutes. | ||
| It's like polo of people. | ||
| You're the horse. | ||
| Yeah, what? | ||
| I've never even heard of such a thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you know, time conservation, bush style. | ||
| Well, that was one of the only big benefits of golf, is that you had to walk the course. | ||
| And the course is a lot of exercise, and you got your exercise in. | ||
| And people are like, eh, not really into that part of it. | ||
| Deals are being made back in the cart. | ||
| I just want a cart that's hooked up with a stereo and a cooler. | ||
| Yeah, I'm Rodney Dangerfield on this shit. | ||
| How drunk are you allowed to get on a golf course? | ||
| Well, you know, I play golf and I play a lot of these celebrity tournaments, which is like, you know, they'll have 18 groups that are going out and then each one gets a comedian added into the group just to fuck around and, you know, entertain. | ||
| I don't know if you're entertaining, but, you know, they just like to meet somebody. | ||
| And they have these cart bars that go around with the fucking hottest chicks you've ever seen in bikini tops. | ||
| And they pull up with hard liquor, beer, everything. | ||
| And they flirt. | ||
| And these guys, I play with guys that literally are crawling off the course when they're done. | ||
| They're so shit-faced. | ||
| And then you go to the dinner and they drink more. | ||
| And then you get up and tell jokes. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Try to make them laugh after that. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a riot. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I always picture golfers, I always picture them like Ted Kennedy. | ||
| Like that kind of face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ruddy. | ||
| Big fucking overwhelmed tissue face. | ||
| Like so much inflammation. | ||
| Your skin is just running from your skull. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| It's melting. | ||
| He's a dignified older gentleman. | ||
| The spider veins. | ||
| Yeah, the front of the nose is just a giant vein. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch of those older guys that get that from the boozing, the heavy boozing. | ||
| That Newt Gingrich guy's got that shit going on there, too. | ||
| He's got that, uh, I have a couple of whiskeys a night look. | ||
| I used to caddy at a country club. | ||
| What the fuck was that like? | ||
| To work out. | ||
| I mean, a golf course is about six miles, and you've got two heavy-ass bags. | ||
| Back then, everybody had leather bags and extra golf balls in there. | ||
| So I'd have two of those. | ||
| I weighed about 125 pounds, and I would just, like a fucking mule, up and down hills. | ||
| And sometimes you'd get a loop. | ||
| Like, I had this one guy, and he goes... | ||
| He was a shit golfer. | ||
| And it took me all day to find his ball. | ||
| And then he hits one out of bounds, like over a fence into the woods. | ||
| And he goes, where's my ball? | ||
| I go, it went in the woods. | ||
| He goes, well, find it. | ||
| I go, you hit it. | ||
| You find it. | ||
| And the guy fired me on the spot. | ||
| And I didn't carry his bag. | ||
| I just put his bags down. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| Walked in. | ||
| Dr. Angelilli. | ||
| Used to get shit-faced and then get into his car. | ||
| The parking tenants would tell me that they'd open the door and they'd have to help him in the car. | ||
| And then he'd have these little mint candies. | ||
| He'd put one in his mouth and then just fucking point in the right direction and go. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Dude was like in his 80s. | ||
| There's people that are probably still doing that. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You know where it's going on right now? | ||
| The PCH. You ever go down the PCH? The one near Malibu? | ||
| Wait, is that a club? | ||
| No, the PCH. Pacific Coast Highway. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu is a very dangerous road. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's bar after bar after restaurant after bar after bar after bar after bar and then all these rich people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| All these people that can afford beach houses. | ||
| And then... | ||
| These people are going to these bars and restaurants and they're just driving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're driving home. | ||
| Okay, everyone's driving drunk. | ||
| There's just a ton of drunk driving. | ||
| The guy who did Pulp Fiction with Quentin Tarantino, the other guy who was involved with it, what is his name? | ||
| Roger Avery? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| He also wrote Killing Zoe and directed it, I think, which is a fucking awesome movie. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good movie. | ||
| He's supposedly a super genius guy, right? | ||
| Roger Avery, yeah. | ||
| He apparently was involved in a horrible drunk driving accident on the PCH. That's where the Mel Gibson incident happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right there in Malibu. | ||
| I was at a restaurant once, and I saw this guy drive off drunk. | ||
| Him and his buddies were having a water fight, and he was hammered. | ||
| And he got into his car. | ||
| They were throwing water at each other, hammered, and got in his car. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, the Valley parking attendants need to be responsible, because they can sue the restaurant. | ||
| I guess, but if you're a kid, and you're working there from college, and you see this fucking guy, what are you going to do? | ||
| He's probably some rich dude. | ||
| If you get mad at him for this... | ||
| Who knows how the restaurant's going to perceive it, if they're going to fire you. | ||
| They don't want the valets to step in and some guy throwing water. | ||
| Most likely it's easier to be like, he'll be fine. | ||
| Just let him get in that car. | ||
| The guy's like, that's what I would do if I was 20 years old and I was working there like these kids are. | ||
| I wouldn't tell this 50-year-old dude with a $10,000 watch on that he can't throw water, he can't get in his car. | ||
| I'd be scared. | ||
| I'd be like, this guy represents authority. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you just let him go? | ||
| I just probably would let him go. | ||
| But I couldn't believe they were letting him go, you know? | ||
| There was a bunch of people around and people were getting upset because him and the guy were throwing water at each other and they were almost getting people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So people started getting upset. | ||
| So there was like this air of tension in the air and then the valet came and the guy got in his car and we were like, wow, should we stop that? | ||
| You know, should we stop that guy from getting in a car? | ||
| It's like a judgment call. | ||
| He might have just been an idiot. | ||
| Have you ever taken someone's keys? | ||
| No, I've advised people to not drink. | ||
| Or not drive, rather. | ||
| I've definitely done that. | ||
| But I have not taken anyone's keys. | ||
| I haven't had to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I've seen some shit, man, especially when I was young. | ||
| God damn, I saw some people drive fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My dad. | ||
| I can remember my mom and dad fighting about her not wanting him to drive. | ||
| He'd be fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I remember him driving us home one night. | ||
| My mom was screaming at him before we got in. | ||
| And then it was like a terror ride. | ||
| You know that painting, The Scream? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I looked like in the side view mirror. | ||
| He was like going over curbs. | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| And we got home and I remember like... | ||
| We were crying. | ||
| We were little kids. | ||
| And I remember crying. | ||
| And I remember the next day he came down to the TV room and he apologized. | ||
| And he quit drinking for like maybe two months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, even after two months he went back. | ||
| Hell yeah, he would quit. | ||
| He would go through that. | ||
| The grip of that fucking alcohol on some people. | ||
| Native Americans, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Grip on them. | ||
| See, I haven't had it fully explained to me because I've read it both ways. | ||
| I've read that there was some sort of a genetic propensity towards alcoholism that they had because the fact that alcohol was not normal to them. | ||
| It wasn't something they had in their diet all the time, so they didn't have the enzymes or whatever it was to break it down. | ||
| Well, it's the liver. | ||
| Their liver is different. | ||
| I've read that's bullshit. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I read that's bullshit. | ||
| That it's just cultural. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know who's right. | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| It's undeniable that certain cultures, like ours, like the Irish, the Italians... | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| ...have a lot of alcoholism. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, part of it is, I mean, if you think about it culturally, Italians and Irish are both Catholics. | ||
| There's a lot of repression. | ||
| There's a lot of shame. | ||
| And, you know, when that happens, I think people act out. | ||
| And I think they're... | ||
| You know, Italians have lived under fascism and the Catholic Church. | ||
| So, fucking, you need an escape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man. | ||
| So you can drink healthy. | ||
| I see you drink tequila sometimes. | ||
| You can handle it. | ||
| Yeah, I can not do it. | ||
| I can not do it for long stretches of time. | ||
| It doesn't... | ||
| It's not something I need. | ||
| I enjoy it while it's happening, but I understand the pull, the biological pull that some people have. | ||
| I just don't have it. | ||
| Can you get drunk sometimes, like real drunk? | ||
| I try not to get real drunk, and the drunkest I've been in recent memory has been on this podcast. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, a couple of times. | ||
| Kreischer? | ||
| Well, no, Kreischer for sure in the past, but I did one recently with Hannibal, Hannibal Buress. | ||
| We got fucking lit. | ||
| We got lit to the point where my tongue started getting heavy. | ||
| It was hard to move around. | ||
| I had a struggle while I was trying to enter a word. | ||
| It was like I was doing... | ||
| You ever use one of those heavy jump ropes? | ||
| Like those jump ropes. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Like jumping rope is hard enough. | ||
| Why do I have to have this fucking ship rope? | ||
| You know? | ||
| But they make these like really heavy ones. | ||
| That's what my tongue felt like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a job. | ||
| Think about your job description. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. | ||
| Get high, drink, whatever. | ||
| Go for as long as you want. | ||
| Talk some shit. | ||
| Talk some shit. | ||
| So did Hannibal take an Uber home? | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| Yeah, he took one here, took one home. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, he is funny. | ||
| And we went on to another podcast right afterwards, because my friend Josh Zeps came in to do his podcast from here with Sam Harris. | ||
| Do you know who Sam Harris is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Famed atheist slash neuroscientist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Hannibal and Sam Harris had like this epic argument. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| While Hannibal was hammered. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Oh, I gotta listen to that. | ||
| And I was hammered too, so I was trying to like, I was trying to chime in and I was so, the whole thing was so... | ||
| It was so not good. | ||
| Even my attempts were so clumsy. | ||
| My attempts to calm the situation down were so embarrassing. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's on Josh Zeps? | ||
| Yeah, it hasn't come out yet. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't know what he's going to do, if he's even going to release it. | ||
| He's got to release it. | ||
| Well, the problem is Hannibal didn't know he was going to be drunk on a podcast talking to a neuroscientist about race issues. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, race issues. | ||
| And about cops shooting black people and statistics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See, the statistics... | ||
| I don't know if this is accurate. | ||
| I'm just knowing what I've read. | ||
| And I don't know what this means, but I'm just going to say it. | ||
| The statistics are, like, people would think that cops are more violent and they shoot more black people than white people, like per capita or percentage or whatever it is. | ||
| Apparently it's not true. | ||
| So they showed this study recently that shows that if you look at the overall... | ||
| Let's find out what those numbers are so we can talk about it and know exactly what we're saying. | ||
| Because this was the argument they were having. | ||
| In other words, white communities experience as many shootings from cops as black communities. | ||
| It's essentially damning towards what I've always said. | ||
| I think most people, almost 99% of the people are unqualified to be a cop. | ||
| I think it's an unbelievably difficult job. | ||
| I think cops shoot people all the time and they shouldn't shoot people. | ||
| And they're dealing with 300 million plus people in this one continent. | ||
| And we're looking at the stories of all these cops in all of these cities. | ||
| In all of these counties, in all these states, all over the country, you're dealing with a fucking mammoth amount of people. | ||
| It's just, because of the history of racism... | ||
| It's more disturbing to us to think that there's white cops that are targeting black kids, which they most certainly must be. | ||
| There most certainly must be some of them. | ||
| If you think of the amount of people we're talking about, there most likely is a racist or two amongst them, or who knows how many. | ||
| There's no denying that. | ||
| Or systemic racism in the department. | ||
| Yeah, but I feel like we're all on this heightened sense of like conflict because we're looking at the conflicts between Millions of fucking people and we're an individual and we're taking in these numbers these interactions million literally millions of people interacting with police officers every day It's way too much for our fucking brains, right? | ||
| So we start thinking Jesus the cops are killing black people everywhere well turns out They're just shooting people everywhere. | ||
| It's black people and white people. | ||
| It's just there's been some really damning videos of them doing it to black people. | ||
| And again, there's probably a lot of cops that are racist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have to see these stats because I haven't heard anything like that. | ||
| This is what it was. | ||
| From the Washington Post, they got it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, let's look at the actual numbers. | ||
| Where are the actual numbers? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The Post began its police shootings project in response to the 2014 killing of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, a death that triggered days of rioting, the assassination of two New York City police officers, and a surge of support for the Black Lives Matter protest movement. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| As of January 15th, the Post had documented 987 victims of fatal police shootings in 2015, about twice the number historically recorded by federal agencies. | ||
| Whites were 50% of those victims and blacks were 26%. | ||
| By comparison, whites are 62% of the US population and blacks are 13%. | ||
| The ensuing debate is largely centered on whether the disproportionate number of black deaths was a result of police racism or the relatively high rate of crime in black neighborhoods, which brings black men into more frequent and more fraught encounters with the police. | ||
| So it seems to me, just looking at those numbers right there, that it says whites were 50% of those victims and blacks were 26%. | ||
| Well, that's just, right away, there's way more white people than there are black people. | ||
| So that seems to me... | ||
| Right, but percentage-wise, the blacks are twice as likely. | ||
| If they're 13% of the population and 26% of the victims, they're double, and whites are 20%. | ||
| So it's proportionately... | ||
| Less likely. | ||
| So this is, in fact, kind of like disproving what you're saying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's saying there is a trend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what they're saying is, is it sociological? | ||
| Is it the fact that blacks are living in dangerous neighborhoods the reason why there's more? | ||
| Which is totally logical. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's the argument that he should have made. | ||
| This is not the argument he made. | ||
| That's interesting, because I didn't know that that was what the statistics were, and I wish I knew that going into that conversation. | ||
| I obviously had no idea we were going to have this conversation, or I would have. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That's interesting because that, you know, I mean, you can blame it on the neighborhood, you can blame it on crime-ridden communities, but if we're just going to go statistics to statistic, well, then they're right. | ||
| More black people are getting shot by cops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But people are getting shot by cops. | ||
| Like, it's a lot. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking people getting shot. | ||
| Up 50% in 2015. What is that all about? | ||
| Dude, I don't know. | ||
| It's just terrifying. | ||
| It feels like this whole gun issue, it didn't used to be an issue. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| The NRA used to be like a hunting organization. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And people just owned guns and it wasn't a big deal. | ||
| And then they made it a political issue. | ||
| And now I feel like there's almost like gun coveting. | ||
| I think there's more people that are dangerous that are getting guns. | ||
| And I think the police are probably responding to that. | ||
| Well, that could definitely be the case. | ||
| I mean, there's also, when you look at guns, and this is one thing that I don't think we really consider that much. | ||
| There's a gun industry, okay, and they're manufacturing guns constantly. | ||
| And they're manufacturing them for civilians, and they can use them legally, and they can own them legally, and it's their right. | ||
| And people exercise that Second Amendment right. | ||
| And they have a lot of guns. | ||
| And this business keeps making guns. | ||
| And there's just a lot of guns. | ||
| Lot of guns. | ||
| At one point in time, we're going to have fucking guns all over the place. | ||
| I mean, the world's going to be safer because no one's going to be shooting people. | ||
| Because everyone's going to have a gun. | ||
| Well, I think in America there's as many guns as there are people right now. | ||
| I think there's more. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I think there's more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Find that out because I think it was one of those things where they were like the numbers switched over. | ||
| Yeah, they broke the threshold. | ||
| The guns have outfucked us. | ||
| Now it's gonna be like everybody's gonna have the... | ||
| What is it, Jamie? | ||
| It's about the same. | ||
| It's about the same? | ||
| There are roughly twice as many guns per capita as there were in 1968. More than 300 million guns in all. | ||
| So it's basically the population, yeah. | ||
| One for one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How many do you have? | ||
| I got a few. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think about it. | ||
| You think about having one? | ||
| Well, I feel mixed because, first of all, it would feel badass to have a gun. | ||
| I'll just say that right out there. | ||
| I can't believe you went there. | ||
| It would feel really fucking cool to hold some steel. | ||
| And I'd have a safe, and I'd put it in the safe. | ||
| And then it would feel good to know that if shit got really bad, that I'd be able to go out and kill the people that have the food and the water. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Or yourself. | ||
| We're right! | ||
| Did you ever see that movie, The Road? | ||
| No. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| And this is why I didn't see it, because I started watching it. | ||
| And early on, spoiler alert! | ||
| Early on in the movie, he was talking to his kid about how to kill yourself. | ||
| He was showing his kid how to put the gun in your mouth if someone's coming to get you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's the star of it? | ||
| What's that dude's name? | ||
| Handsome fellow. | ||
| David Duchovny? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| They're doing X-Files again, aren't they? | ||
| That's real, right? | ||
| Are they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's his name? | ||
| Could use the work. | ||
| Viggo Mortensen. | ||
| Oh, he's fucking great. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| I'm seeing that. | ||
| The road? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love that you have a little yellow legal pad now for your guests. | ||
| I've had them for a while, yeah. | ||
| I've already got down Josh Zeps and the road. | ||
| Yeah, I wish I would go over these notes. | ||
| There's probably some gold in there. | ||
| Oh, you have notes? | ||
| I write shit all the time. | ||
| I write shit all the time, like in the middle of a podcast that I need to remember, and it never comes up. | ||
| See if there's anything good in there. | ||
| Dude, I can barely read my own handwriting. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty bad. | ||
| It's becoming so that handwriting seems so stupid. | ||
| Like, oh, let me make my mark with the ink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, texting is so much better. | ||
| Well, you know what's weird is the schools are deciding to stop teaching cursive now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is a shame because cursive is much, much faster. | ||
| Yeah, but it's goofy. | ||
| Too many people are goofy with it. | ||
| They'll give you one of these... | ||
| You're like, what the fuck is that word? | ||
| How the hell do I know what that word is? | ||
| You barely made any movement, you lazy fuck. | ||
| Yeah, you kind of keep sliding your hand as you're writing. | ||
| You can't leave it there. | ||
| That's why cursive ended, because people were fucking lazy. | ||
| Because lazy people would write you shit, and it was just this dribble of ups and downs. | ||
| Was that an N? Is it a U? It looks like a giant signature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks like a fucking EKG. It's so stupid. | |
| It needs to go away. | ||
| I need to know what an A is. | ||
| Is that an A? Well, make it look like an A, you fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It can't be left to your interpretation of what an A should be. | ||
| If you make a T, cross it where the fucking T is. | ||
| Not near it. | ||
| Don't put the I over the L. Is there an I over an L? No, like, the dot should be above the stem of the I, but it's always at the letter next to it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What about, like, does anybody ever put the i over the lowercase j? | ||
| Did they do that anymore? | ||
| Or do I make that up? | ||
| You're supposed to put an i, like a dot, over the lowercase j. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Does anybody do that? | ||
| I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| So if you're writing something by hand, you'd put a dot over the lowercase j? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| I barely knew you were supposed to do it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, I had to ask. | ||
| I was questioning it. | ||
| I knew it. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| But I'm like, who does that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta do it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You're a stickler for that. | ||
| I just feel like maybe because I grew up Catholic and penmanship was actually a big deal. | ||
| Well, you're actually, people might not even know, you're an Emmy award-winning writer. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's how they give out the Emmys. | ||
| They look at your penmanship. | ||
| We do all the scripts by hand. | ||
| You actually are a writer. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta know how to put that dot there. | ||
| It's so weird when you look at Russian. | ||
| If you look at any... | ||
| I follow a lot of Russian athletes. | ||
| I follow their Instagram pages. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I look at the Russian... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mars. | |
| I know. | ||
| They might as well be from Mars. | ||
| What's up with all these fake letters you guys got? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like this jumble of... | ||
| How did this happen? | ||
| How are we so shitty at communicating that we let all these different styles of language exist to the point where none of us can... | ||
| It's like the Tower of Babel. | ||
| When do you think we will have one language? | ||
| It's a good question, man. | ||
| Look at all the weird shit they have, like that boomerang above the backwards N. Like, what the fuck is going on up there? | ||
| And how about the other one that looks like Red Dragons, like the Jason Ellis logo? | ||
| That's up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they have like a regular A and a regular P. What the fuck? | |
| Can't we agree? | ||
| These assholes from the past. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That looks like a dick. | |
| The one in the middle on the right. | ||
| Oh, that's a vagina. | ||
| That's a little vagina. | ||
| That's a very excited, puffy one. | ||
| Yeah, that's a 16-year-old girl. | ||
| Hey, no, no, no, it's a 19-year-old girl. | ||
| 19, I mean. | ||
| It's a girl who's 19 and grew up in Europe, so they have a different attitude. | ||
| And they clearly shave. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that, I mean, how much more could have been done a long time ago if we all spoke one language? | ||
| That Tower of Babel shit, although obviously it's... | ||
| Wait, what's the Tower of Babel? | ||
| A story from the Bible. | ||
| Didn't read it. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I know, and I'm talking about what a Catholic I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a Catholic! | |
| I was a Catholic for a year. | ||
| The Tower of Babel is... | ||
| The whole thing about it was that there's all these different languages and that there was some... | ||
| Let's go to the actual official definition because I'm gonna fuck it up. | ||
| But that... | ||
| One of the ways to keep us from understanding each other was to give us so many different languages that we couldn't communicate with each other. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What does this say? | ||
| What's the myth? | ||
| Find out where the myth is here, young Jeremy. | ||
| According to the story, a united humanity... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| A united humanity of the generations following the Great Flood, speaking in a single language and migrating from the East, came to the land... | ||
| Is it going any further? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Came to the land of Shinar? | ||
| Say that. | ||
| Shinar? | ||
| Shinar. | ||
| There they agreed to build a city and a tower tall enough to reach heaven. | ||
| Seeing this, God confounded their speech so that they could no longer understand each other and scattered them around the world. | ||
| So that's the idea of what... | ||
| I mean, it's basically an acknowledgement of how much could be accomplished if we could all speak the same language Wow, but we're all like so like this is my culture man. | ||
| I Like, this is my culture. | ||
| This is who I am. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm not abandoning this. | ||
| Like, we all have this, like, sense of... | ||
| I mean, it's kind of cool. | ||
| Like, Flemish. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It's like this... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Uh, Hollands? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, I think it's the Netherlands. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| The Netherlands speak Flemish. | ||
| They speak Dutch. | ||
| Don't they speak Dutch? | ||
| No, the Dutch people speak Flemish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's the... | |
| And they live in the Netherlands. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Which is also called Holland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| There's a lot of different names. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Flemish, yep. | ||
| Gregory's correct. | ||
| The Dutch language spoken in Flanders. | ||
| One of the two official languages of Belgium. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| The people of Flanders. | ||
| And you know they have to speak three other languages because they got England next to them, they got France next to them, they got Germany. | ||
| But hold on a second. | ||
| That was confusing. | ||
| It says it's spoken in Flanders, one of the two official languages of Belgium, but that's Belgium is not Holland. | ||
| So what the fuck? | ||
| Did we screw it up? | ||
| I think we screwed it up. | ||
| Are the Dutch... | ||
| It's a variety of Dutch. | ||
| Okay, here's another one. | ||
| Flemish, also called Flemish Dutch, Belgium Dutch, and or Southern Dutch, refers to the varieties of the Dutch language spoken in Flanders, the northern part of Belgium. | ||
| The term Flemish is used at least five ways. | ||
| It seems like it's all in Belgium, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what do people in Holland speak? | ||
| I think they speak Dutch. | ||
| The people in Holland, they're probably so mad at us now. | ||
| You fucking idiots. | ||
| We have to watch your stupid elections and you don't even know what language we speak. | ||
| The whole world knows that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are clawing each other's eyes out to become the president. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we don't know their language. | |
| That's what they speak? | ||
| They speak Dutch and what is that one? | ||
| Frisian? | ||
| Frisian? | ||
| Papiamento? | ||
| Papiamento? | ||
| Yeah, they... | ||
| Well, I've been to South Africa and they speak Dutch there. | ||
| And they've... | ||
| Yeah, they fucked up South Africa, man. | ||
| They came in hard to Dutch. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| When you look at the pockets of white people, like when apartheid was kicking, you look at how bizarre that must have been. | ||
| These white racist people living in South Africa, surrounded by black people. | ||
| And they came over on boats, essentially. | ||
| They're like the last of one of those... | ||
| Colony, you know, expansion experiments. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They went to Africa. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The British had already been there. | ||
| I think the French might have been there. | ||
| But the Dutch were the ones that came in and just fucking... | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Turned the screws. | ||
| Imagine if there was an Africa to Africa. | ||
| You know, we look at Africa, right? | ||
| And we go, wow, that's where civilization began. | ||
| Look, there's fucking lions and people are... | ||
| The Maasai warriors are running around with spears. | ||
| They have to kill a lion to be a man. | ||
| They're all dancing around the fire in Tanzania. | ||
| And you're like, wow, this is a window to a totally different world. | ||
| Africa in itself. | ||
| What if there was a place even fucking crazier than that? | ||
| If you pass Africa, the Africans went to the dark lands, and there's just monsters tearing each other apart left and right. | ||
| Nothing survives more than a few minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything's just fucking and killing, and it's just chaos. | |
| Women bent in half eating their babies as they come out of the womb. | ||
| Yeah, and bandits dressed like human dumpsters with machine guns running around blowing each other up. | ||
| Everything's bulletproof and on fire. | ||
| And then Africa is like, I can't go over there. | ||
| It's too fucking crazy. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Those people are looking at the Africans and going like, wow, wow, they do castrations with swords. | ||
| That's actually kind of nice. | ||
| It's better than the rock we're using. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| There's this one episode of the show that I watched called Jim Shockey's Uncharted. | ||
| He's this guy who goes to all these different parts of the world and he's a professional hunter and he goes to these places and sometimes they eradicate like dangerous animals that are threatening villages. | ||
| And one of the episodes he went to this village, I don't remember what part of the Congo it was, but they have these giant saltwater crocodiles that eat people. | ||
| And while they were there, a woman got ate. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| While they were there filming, they took her away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They took her out into the water, man. | ||
| Number one cause of death in Africa. | ||
| Crocodiles. | ||
| I thought it was hippos. | ||
| Maybe you're right. | ||
| I was making it up anyway. | ||
| I think on this episode, your listeners should fact check, like, Flemish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Number one cause of death in Africa. | ||
| Get back to me about... | ||
| And then the police, we were wrong about the statistics of police violence, too. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, the alligator crocodile things, especially crocodiles, are way more aggressive. | ||
| Yeah, and they're bigger. | ||
| Some of them are. | ||
| The American crocodiles are actually smaller than the American alligators. | ||
| American crocodiles are super aggressive though. | ||
| They're dog eaters. | ||
| Is that Florida? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a small population that's protected because we don't have enough monsters and we would like them to keep fucking. | ||
| Hey man, you don't understand the ecosystem. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| I'm kidding, folks. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| I'm not anti-crocodile, but it's kind of weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's kind of weird that we want to keep those monsters around. | ||
| I mean, it's a shame because, well, you see what's happening to sharks. | ||
| They kill, I forget the numbers, it's something like three million sharks a year. | ||
| Yes, they do, right? | ||
| And it's like, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| And they're harmless animals to us. | ||
| There's like four deaths a year in the world from shark bite. | ||
| Why am I putting all these statistics out? | ||
| I don't think you're far off though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think we found out once, but I don't remember what the number was. | ||
| It was less than 25 people die every year from sharks, right? | ||
| I got caught up looking at something. | ||
| Buffalo supposedly reportedly kill as many people in Africa as hippos and crocodiles. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Buffalo. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Cape Buffalo. | ||
| Those huge Cape Buffalo. | ||
| They call them the Black Death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Dude, they're terrifying. | ||
| They run in herds. | ||
| Well, look at what that looks like. | ||
| Scroll up a little bit there, Jimmy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that fucking thing. | ||
| And they're super aggressive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they're fighting off lions all the time, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Widowmaker. | ||
| There's an incredible documentary called Relentless Enemies and it's about this one particular pride of lions that lives on an island in Africa where the rivers changed its course And it's stranded these islands from the rest of Africa. | ||
| These lions can't get out of this island. | ||
| And all they have to eat on this island are these giant fucking buffaloes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So the lions themselves have grown huge. | ||
| And they've become super-sized lions. | ||
| Where females, like an adult female of one of these tribes, there's one particular tribe where they're enormous. | ||
| They look like the Hulk. | ||
| They don't even look like real lions. | ||
| Where the adult females are as large as a regular adult male in other prides. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so, see if you find that. | ||
| Relentless enemies, lion photos. | ||
| It's a fucking incredible documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because it just shows you, like, nature's gonna find a way. | ||
| Like, oh, all we can eat is buffalo? | ||
| Looks like we're gonna have to get a little bigger, boys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they just got bigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, the cats, the bigger cats stayed alive. | ||
| The bigger cats figured out how to do it. | ||
| And when they go after them, look at the size of that thing. | ||
| That's a female. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're taking out these giant buffaloes. | ||
| Like, look at the size of these things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sharp ass horns. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Sharp ass horns. | ||
| See if you get some photos of the individual lions, like, so you get, well, there's a good, good photo of it, but just look up relentless enemies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I did. | |
| Oh, and then this was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, just lions. | ||
| There's some photos of them where they're in motion, where you've got to kind of get a sense of the real mass that they have. | ||
| I think I saw one of those buffaloes chase off a crocodile who was eating another species of animal. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I would believe that. | ||
| Buffaloes are enormous animals. | ||
| You're talking about something that's like 2,000 plus pounds often. | ||
| I wonder what the biggest of the males grows to. | ||
| Have you been on safari? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm surprised. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Scared. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Tom Poppo was just here. | ||
| He just got back. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I just don't want to give my kids malaria medication. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| It's too young. | ||
| It's just too fucked up to require that. | ||
| And you've got to take it while you're over there. | ||
| You've got to take it every day, right? | ||
| Yeah, and then you've got to get a typhoid shot. | ||
| Well, go in the winter. | ||
| Go during their winter. | ||
| You don't have to do it then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I went over there twice, but both times it was their winter, which is our summer, and you don't need malaria. | ||
| No kidding? | ||
| So you didn't do anything? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you have malaria? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Don't you see how small my... | ||
| Look at the headphones. | ||
| They're practically touching. | ||
| My head is so small. | ||
| I think that's Zika. | ||
| Oh, that's Zika. | ||
| That's Zika stuff, man. | ||
| Well, the big danger now is not the mosquitoes. | ||
| It's that it's a sexually transmitted disease, and they say its infection rate is about the same as AIDS was. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, there's areas in Miami now where they're thinking about, like, cordoning off blocks and shit, right? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they saw mosquitoes there? | ||
| Yeah, because they have so many cases of Zika. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's growing, too, because they don't have a vaccine and they say they're years away from a vaccine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man... | |
| It's just one day there's gonna be some insurmountable biological threat to people. | ||
| You know, one day, there's gonna be some dark wave that sweeps across the population, and then there's gonna be a rebuilding process. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This has happened so many times, with so many different things, too. | ||
| Like, it doesn't necessarily... | ||
| And this is not something to freak out about, but just to put it in perspective, there's been so many fucking times... | ||
| Where something's happened, whether it's some gigantic event, like a super volcano, or diseases, or just giant chunks of the population just died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's theories about it, that there's population control of stuff that's built in, and it can manifest itself as disease, natural disasters, or war. | ||
| But the population is kept in check. | ||
| I guess that's just the system that nature runs on. | ||
| It just finds a way to exploit any weakness. | ||
| If the numbers get too high, there's more weaknesses. | ||
| Nature finds a way, develops a strong attack, and it gets in there. | ||
| It's like this little fucking ping-pong math game that's going on constantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Adjustments, and then there's medicine. | ||
| A bunch of scientists are fucking shaking test tubes. | ||
| Racing against the disease all the time. | ||
| Goddamn, man. | ||
| I mean, that's pressure. | ||
| That's a long day. | ||
| I mean, you think about people that work long hours. | ||
| When you're a scientist that's trying to break the code on a fucking vaccine, that could be, you know, like with Ebola when they were trying to figure something out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened to Ebola? | ||
| We got it. | ||
| We got it? | ||
| Yeah, we got it like they got Gaddafi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got it. | |
| You mean Bin Laden? | ||
| That too. | ||
| They got Qaddafi too. | ||
| Here we got Qaddafi. | ||
| The Qaddafi video is maybe the most disturbing video ever. | ||
| Oh, no shit! | ||
| You've never seen it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| You're in for a treat. | ||
| The military released it? | ||
| You're in for a treat. | ||
| Oh, cell phone video got released immediately. | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
| The rebels overcame, and the United States backed rebels, right? | ||
| I don't know the full history of how it went down. | ||
| Do you know the full history? | ||
| I know that at one point we were happy about Gaddafi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So they have Gaddafi. | ||
| This is him dead. | ||
| But there's a video of him where they have him and they're yelling, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, and they've got him. | ||
| Oh, is that him? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And the rebels all have him and they're beating the fuck out of him. | ||
| And they start sticking things up his ass like swords. | ||
| They stick swords up his ass. | ||
| And they're stabbing him there. | ||
| See how they're stabbing him there? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I mean, they just showed a murder on TV right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, back that up. | ||
| He was a bad dude. | ||
| Am I right? | ||
| It seems like that guy's stabbing him while he's there, right? | ||
| Yeah, that looks like a Game of Thrones killing. | ||
| I remember it was on Tosh.0 at one point, because they made a whole bit about Gaddafi-ing people, and there's a guy shoving a knife up his ass or something like that. | ||
| Yes, that's the video. | ||
| So it doesn't really look like the guy's stabbing him in that picture. | ||
| Now that I looked at it again, it looks like he's slamming his fist down on him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's really grainy cell phone footage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the one where they finally capture him, and they're holding up their cameras, and this is all, like, captured live. | ||
| I mean, they have him when they have him, and he's freaking the fuck out, and they're pulling his hair and beating the shit out of him, and kicking him, and then when he gets up, someone sticks a sword, like one of those waist swords, little short swords, like, right up his ass. | ||
| I guess it's a knife. | ||
| Big knife. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I remember thinking, is that a stick or is that a knife? | ||
| And then someone said it's a knife. | ||
| It's amazing you got these guys, guys like Mugabe or Gaddafi, and they do so much cruelty and they come off as so tough. | ||
| And then you see them like this and they whimper and whine and beg like little bitches. | ||
| Yeah, this is really embarrassing if you think about that, right? | ||
| Like, look at this guy. | ||
| And this guy was a huge dictator that ran his country for a long time and killed a lot of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And that this is how it ends for him is actually kind of fitting, right? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I mean, it happened with Saddam Hussein, you know? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Hiding in a little cave. | ||
| It's fitting, right? | ||
| But isn't it fucked up? | ||
| It's fucked up that we like, that this appeals to us. | ||
| Like, if they captured him the way they captured Noriega, or the way they captured anybody else, and they brought him to trial in America and then put him in prison, would you feel any better? | ||
| Than him being beaten to death? | ||
| Do you feel better watching this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Like, were they just fucking him up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| And I don't believe in the death penalty, but in terms of how do I feel, like, consciously I don't believe in the death penalty because I think it's flawed. | ||
| I think the system that would execute somebody isn't perfect. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| But in a case like this where you know, I think that if he's being killed by the people that he's been subjugating, there's something very poetic about that. | ||
| I think there's a real problem with cases. | ||
| You know whether it's a murder case or whether it's any any kind of a case even like armed robbery a lot of there's There's a real problem when people are competing against each other, is what I'm trying to get to. | ||
| When you have a defense team that's competing against a prosecution team, and they're trying to win. | ||
| You see it all the time in business, where things are inflated, and these crazy arguments get made. | ||
| What are they trying to do? | ||
| They're trying to build up their side. | ||
| They're not trying to be as objective as possible. | ||
| They're not trying to go into it and say, Well, you know, as cops, we probably could have done a little bit better. | ||
| We probably could have been friendly as we walked up to them, and maybe they wouldn't have gotten defensive, and maybe we could have shaken hands and gone about our day and our lives, and our paths would have gone a different way. | ||
| But hey, hindsight's 20-20. | ||
| Learning experience. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Learning experience. | ||
| You don't ever hear that. | ||
| It's always like one hard line. | ||
| I approached the suspect. | ||
| He was moving in a very dangerous manner. | ||
| I saw the suspect reaching his pants. | ||
| I told him not to. | ||
| He did it again. | ||
| At this point, I took the safety off my weapon. | ||
| I discharged 32 times. | ||
| And you watch the video and that's not what happened at all. | ||
| Someone had a cell phone on it. | ||
| That's not what happened. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's not what happened. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's a weird system. | ||
| It's completely... | ||
| It's just conflict. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the prosecutor, your job, guys are proud of the fact that, like, I don't know if you saw that Making of a Murderer documentary. | ||
| I saw some of it, and then I'm like, I can't get too involved in this. | ||
| I watched, like, two episodes. | ||
| I was like, this is just too, I don't want to get involved in these people's ridiculous lives. | ||
| But he was proud of how many convictions he'd had. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Like, he was, like, undefeated or something in the county. | ||
| So that's not rotten. | ||
| I don't smell anything rotten there. | ||
| And the guys in Texas that put people to the death penalty, and that's like, they're at a bar that night having a champagne celebrating that he won his case. | ||
| And he sent the guy to the gas chamber. | ||
| It's a weird day. | ||
| We put down. | ||
| We put down today. | ||
| That's what they're called. | ||
| We put down. | ||
| We put down one of the bad guys. | ||
| We put down today. | ||
| Everybody knuckles up. | ||
| Knuckles. | ||
| Knuckles all around. | ||
| We put down today, boy. | ||
| We got a good one. | ||
| Good win for the good guys. | ||
| Clink. | ||
| Clink. | ||
| Budweiser gets sloshed. | ||
| Show up for work. | ||
| Foggy-eyed. | ||
| Do it again. | ||
| Put a notch in their Oxford loafers. | ||
| Well, I mean, they are dealing with a lot of scumbags and pieces of shit in a lot of ways. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, but going back to your point... | ||
| Their goal is not to discern the truth and illuminate what could be done better. | ||
| It's just to kill this guy. | ||
| Yeah, cops don't plant evidence and try to frame people because they're infallible and awesome and that's just the right thing to do. | ||
| No, they're doing what a dirty accountant does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, they're doing what a joke thief does. | ||
| They're doing what a guy who steals, in a lot of ways. | ||
| No, I love that you threw that in. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| What are they? | ||
| Rhythms? | ||
| Beats? | ||
| When they sue people for that shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how I connected all those together. | ||
| I really had a point until you started laughing. | ||
| I just love that joke thieves kept running. | ||
| I was going to say, people suck at some things, you know? | ||
| And they suck at, you know, the gigantic responsibility that comes with being a police officer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're not really qualified for that. | ||
| It's a politician. | ||
| Each one is a politician. | ||
| They're supposed to be on the ground, interacting with people, making connections, getting people to trust them, getting people to, like, follow their lead. | ||
| You know, like, I read about this one LAPD guy, and he started a... | ||
| A football team. | ||
| And it was a police football team. | ||
| And nobody would join because the community was so opposed to the cops that literally they were like, we got uniforms, we got helmets, we got fields, we got coaches. | ||
| We want to have a team. | ||
| You guys can play against other city teams. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| And then this one guy started, he was a former player, cop now, and he reached out and slowly got one kid, two kids, finally got up to 11 kids, started training them, got to know the parents. | ||
| The other cops were helping out training, got to know the parents, and it opened up this whole community. | ||
| It changed the kids in South Central somewhere, and the whole neighborhood has great relations with the cops now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it could be done, right? | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| There's just got to be a way, if you look at the overall picture, there's got to be a way to do it better than they're doing it right now. | ||
| Across the board. | ||
| Everything with managing communities. | ||
| It just seems like there's so much room for improvement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Obama just released 111 prisoners, and I think that the message that he's sending is like, we've got to get over this police state mentality. | ||
| I hope that's the message he's sending. | ||
| He released one guy that I had retweeted a petition to release him like a year ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah? | |
| Yeah, he was in jail for life for selling LSD. Oh, at a Grateful Dead concert. | ||
| Yeah, I read that. | ||
| Yeah, and Obama exonerated him. | ||
| He never should have gone to jail in the first place. | ||
| Well, it was his third strike. | ||
| That's why I went. | ||
| But they gotta get rid of that third strike thing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And also, when you do as much acid as that guy does, do you think he remembers those first two strikes? | ||
| I need a miracle! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| I'm holding! | ||
| Yeah, that three strikes thing is crazy. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| I'm not for... | ||
| You know, encouraging people to continue fucking up. | ||
| But to think that the only way, like, if someone does three petty crimes, I mean, how many, how bad does a crime have to be? | ||
| Does it have to be a violent crime? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| That doesn't make sense with the Grateful Dead thing, unless somehow or another they think of selling drugs, they find some sneaky way to categorize that as violence. | ||
| Yeah, maybe if it's a, what do they call it, level one drug, or acid's probably like the highest level drug, so maybe that's a felony, whereas pot would be a misdemeanor. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| I would wonder. | ||
| It doesn't sound like the other charges were violent. | ||
| I think all three were drug-related. | ||
| But isn't the thing about acid that you can get a whole lot of it in a very small pot? | ||
| Like package. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like you can get a whole lot of hits and you can carry it on you. | ||
| It's like books of stamps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's a lot of people are getting fucked up off that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I think that's problematic to people. | ||
| I think they get super nervous about that. | ||
| McKenna had some speech that he did about that once. | ||
| About how someone in a regular apartment with a bathtub can make enough acid to get a million people blasted. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Think of the quality control there. | ||
| One guy's getting triple the amount of another guy. | ||
| This is another great analogy that someone said. | ||
| I wish I remember who. | ||
| But they said that acid, like in the molecule form, the molecular form, it's so potent. | ||
| It is literally like watching an ant dissolve the Empire State Building. | ||
| Like something as small as an ant, like build or dissolve or take... | ||
| Like you're talking about... | ||
| I should probably know if it's build or dissolve, right? | ||
| I think it might be build. | ||
| But the idea being that there's so much power in such a small molecule, in such a small amount. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| You need the tiniest dose, like a blip, blip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking crazy. | |
| I talked to a dude who did 25 hits of acid in one setting. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Did you fuck him up? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what he was like before then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seemed okay. | ||
| I knew a couple guys that changed. | ||
| Changed. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| Just lost their edge, man. | ||
| You know, just had that kind of slightly vacant stare all the time. | ||
| That's why I never took acid. | ||
| I've taken everything, but I've never taken acid. | ||
| It definitely seems like it has the potential to do that. | ||
| And I think some people just go super deep, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stick. | |
| Okay, here it is. | ||
| Following analogy, on a molecular level, the power of LSD is equivalent to a fire ant that can completely tear down the Empire State Building in under 30 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, so that's what it was. | ||
| I was right the first time. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| A fire ant that could take down the Empire State Building in 30 minutes. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| How did they make it? | ||
| It's a really good question, and I don't know the answer to that. | ||
| I know who figured it out. | ||
| You know the story of Albert Hoffman, the guy who was creating? | ||
| I think he was trying to come up with a women's fertility drug. | ||
| I believe that was the original thing. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| I think so, if I remember correctly. | ||
| I think that's where it came from. | ||
| But then they used it for all different kinds successfully. | ||
| He got it on his hands. | ||
| Like, dude, he was the guinea pig. | ||
| He got it on his hands in the lab. | ||
| He didn't know what the fuck he was touching. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it got into his skin through his hands. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's the story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he went riding home on his bike, tripping his balls off, thinking about the world in a whole new way, looking at life in a whole different way, and going, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's where acid was born. | ||
| And then he went back to it and he did a bunch of different experiments with it. | ||
| Oh yeah, I mean UCLA, Columbia University. | ||
| Some that didn't go so good. | ||
| Berkeley. | ||
| Well, yeah, but I think some of those were staged by the government. | ||
| Do you know who was involved in one of the Harvard acid studies? | ||
| Harvard? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Timothy Leary? | ||
| Ted Kaczynski. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Ted Kaczynski was a part of one of those acid studies. | ||
| They blew that guy's brains out. | ||
| And then he went to Berkeley and worked as a professor for a short period of time just to get enough money to implement his manifesto, to move into that cabin in the woods and start killing people who are creating technology. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, he lost his fucking mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He really did believe- I mean, he might have been crazy before then. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| But you know the story about the Unabomber that his brother recognized the manifesto as his own brother's kind of fucking crazy writing. | ||
| Oh, that's how he got caught? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| His brother recognized the patterns and he recognized that the person writing it had to be very smart and also very crazy. | ||
| What a moment to think I've got to turn my brother in. | ||
| He was probably terrified. | ||
| He had this brother that was capable of killing people. | ||
| I wonder if he knew it before then. | ||
| I bet he did. | ||
| When your brother just moves to the woods in a shack, he starts writing things with no spaces. | ||
| Cursive. | ||
| Yeah, just book after book. | ||
| I need another notebook. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| What are you writing? | ||
| I'm writing everything. | ||
| I'm writing everything. | ||
| I'm documenting it all. | ||
| Everything that's wrong. | ||
| How to make it right. | ||
| You think acid has done more good or more bad overall? | ||
| Probably more good, but there's always going to be room. | ||
| Like booze. | ||
| We were talking about booze. | ||
| Some people can enjoy a fun glass of wine and not have another drink for a month and everyone's fine. | ||
| Some people, it's one shot and they're off to the races. | ||
| One shot goes down the hole. | ||
| The lids come down over the eye. | ||
| Clank. | ||
| Clank. | ||
| Those drunk lids? | ||
| You know when you're like, where's Greg? | ||
| Greg in there? | ||
| I've never seen you drunk. | ||
| Because when I met you, it was right when you were quitting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My mom tried to get me drunk in Italy. | ||
| She pulled out some limoncella, you know that lemon liqueur in Italy? | ||
| And she fucking pours a shot for all of us, including my 13-year-old daughter. | ||
| And my mom is crazy. | ||
| You know, meanwhile, I told you about my father. | ||
| You think she'd have some awareness? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She can't stand the fact that I quit drinking. | ||
| Weren't you just telling me a story about your mom and gambling? | ||
| She's a gambler. | ||
| Are you telling me a crazy casino story? | ||
| Well, she goes, she plays poker two different nights a week with all guys. | ||
| And she does good. | ||
| And so her and her sister go, and they go to these slot machines in Yonkers. | ||
| And they go down there, and my aunt goes, she's got more of a problem than my mother. | ||
| And she wins a flat-screen TV. But her husband doesn't know that she gambles. | ||
| She's forbidden to gamble, because she's got this problem. | ||
| So he's home one day, and a guy knocks at the door, and he's like, we got the delivery? | ||
| He's like, what is it? | ||
| He goes... | ||
| 62-inch TV. Where do you want it? | ||
| He's like, we didn't order a TV. No, no, you won it. | ||
| What do you mean we won it? | ||
| At the Yonkers Raceway Casino, you won this. | ||
| So she had to come home and explain to her husband why there was a flat-screen TV. She won it on the slots. | ||
| It was like the grand prize. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| And then she got run down one time by a guy who had just won, broke her hip in the aisle of the slots. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Wrong place at the wrong time. | ||
| Guy won, got excited. | ||
| And just ran her over? | ||
| Just ran down the... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yelling and screaming, yeah. | ||
| And just smashed her to the ground? | ||
| Smashed her to the ground. | ||
| She was in a wheelchair. | ||
| You know, it's all because of gambling. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How'd that get resolved? | ||
| Oh, God, I don't know. | ||
| I wonder if there was a lawsuit. | ||
| Well, it's like, for him, it's like, I win all this money, and then it's gone. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Like, right there, in one movement. | ||
| She's going to sue him for sure. | ||
| She said, just give me the bag, let's walk away. | ||
| Do you think she sued him? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't seem like her nature to sue, but at the same time, the insurance company might make her. | ||
| Because once you get medical bills, your insurance company immediately goes, well, we're not paying these, you've got to sue the other person. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Yeah, if your dog bites somebody, you're going to get sued by their insurance company. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it totally makes sense. | ||
| But a guy running over you like that... | ||
| That's so awful, man. | ||
| You're an older woman and some big fucking stupid dude runs you over. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| And it's one thing if you're like, you know, maybe you were helping out down at the homeless shelter. | ||
| Somebody ran you over. | ||
| But you're gambling. | ||
| You're just working the fucking one-armed bandit. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Yeah, I don't gamble anymore. | ||
| It's just so predictable. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If you look an hour down the line, it's predictable. | ||
| But if you look 10 minutes down the line, it's exciting. | ||
| Well, it's a little drug dispensary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you're getting your highs and your lows. | ||
| You're getting your anticipation. | ||
| You're getting your reward. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| You know, you're going to get your defeat. | ||
| You're going to, God damn it, you're going to be frustrated. | ||
| You want a lot of smoke. | ||
| Oh, the lady's coming over with the booze. | ||
| Yeah, double. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| Give me a double, please. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It's like you're getting one stroke of your dick every, like, three minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not a full handjob. | ||
| Just a soft stroke. | ||
| Down, pulling the foreskin over the crown just a little bit as she releases. | ||
| And then she walks away for three minutes and comes back. | ||
| And then you've got this weird relationship with this dealer dude. | ||
| Well, this guy's either giving you money or taking money away from you, and he's like, hey, it's just my job. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Just my job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He touches money all day, and they barely pay him. | ||
| The guy's making $15 an hour when he's dealing with thousands of dollars. | ||
| How much do they make? | ||
| I think it's a union gig. | ||
| They get tips, right? | ||
| That's a big part. | ||
| I don't know if they pool tips. | ||
| I think they probably pool their tips. | ||
| They pool them. | ||
| All the people together? | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| That would seem like... | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Is that how they do it? | ||
| If you're one of the eight people working in an hour or whatever during your shift, however they do it, and you're at the hot table and your table makes 25,000 in tips... | ||
| Just because you circumstantially were there, just because of the schedule, the routine, just the shift cycle, now you made a year's money and everybody else you're working with got zero. | ||
| They're all going to be pissed at you. | ||
| How long have you been a communist? | ||
| I have a friend that did it. | ||
| I have a friend that did it in Columbus, so I know that's how it works. | ||
| So they shouldn't try? | ||
| They shouldn't be charming? | ||
| No, it totally makes sense. | ||
| Some of them just, you know, they're so over it. | ||
| And you can tell it's like a typical union job. | ||
| And I love unions. | ||
| I'm all about fixing the fucking unions. | ||
| I know they're a problem. | ||
| I know they don't work. | ||
| But, like, you see that? | ||
| It's like a flight attendant or a dealer. | ||
| When they're over it, it's like you gotta just put them out to pasture. | ||
| You can't keep them working in your business when they don't smile, they don't interact, their energy is negative. | ||
| Get them the fuck out. | ||
| It's bad for business. | ||
| Yeah, it's bad for business. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's, man, what can you do, though? | ||
| Well, it's seniority. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You're getting the oldest, most tired people working. | ||
| That's why I like a new airline. | ||
| You know, you go to Virgin. | ||
| Virgin's great. | ||
| Yeah, they got hot, young, beautiful flight attendants. | ||
| After a while, people just don't want to work anymore, man. | ||
| I think people work too much, and I think they work too long. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I think that's part of the problem. | ||
| When did you become a communist? | ||
| Today. | ||
| Right after Jamie made sense. | ||
| Jamie made sense with the tips. | ||
| I'm like, he's right. | ||
| I don't stick to my ideas, folks. | ||
| Call it flip-flopping. | ||
| I'm not married to these motherfuckers. | ||
| Well, that's why this is, you know, this is an open dialogue. | ||
| We're here to change and grow. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Trying to change and grow. | ||
| Trying to learn some information? | ||
| I talked about this yesterday, but Neil deGrasse Tyson had this great Twitter quote that said, there should be an option in this presidential election for, and all presidential elections, I think he said, for none of the above. | ||
| And then if none of the above wins, we have to start all over again with new people. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| That would definitely be the case this time. | ||
| That's actually a really good idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a really good idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| None of the above requires a congressional re-examination of the election process. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the potential candidates and what makes them qualified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| We do it live on television. | ||
| There's long discussions for days and days and days, like on C-SPAN. Remember those? | ||
| You ever watch C-SPAN? Just watch people argue about shit? | ||
| No. | ||
| You ever watch that? | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting to see how the courts work and everything's so formal. | ||
| And I guess you have to have these really clear rules when you're all talking. | ||
| The gentleman has five minutes to address... | ||
| Whenever you have anything formal. | ||
| Well, the Senate has rules because when it was first created, it was the Southerners and they were genteel. | ||
| So to this day, when I'm talking to another member, you never say you. | ||
| You're not allowed to say you to somebody. | ||
| You say the senior senator from Wisconsin said... | ||
| And they say, if you want to insult somebody, you're not allowed to. | ||
| But you can say, my most learned, esteemed colleague from Massachusetts, which is a way of shitting on the guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| But they have to talk third person about each other. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Those are bizarre rules, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know what's really kind of sad but fascinating at the same time? | ||
| Do you know who was really good at those speeches? | ||
| Tom Herrera? | ||
| Anthony Weiner. | ||
| Oh, the best. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| He was a great politician. | ||
| I like his policies. | ||
| He's just too much of a freak. | ||
| Well, he's a good looking guy. | ||
| You gotta put that shit out there. | ||
| Think he's good looking? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| No. | ||
| Which makes respect to me more for some reason. | ||
| He's a fascinating character. | ||
| Because I almost think to be that kind of firebrand, you almost got to be horny. | ||
| Right! | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| He's like a rally of the troops. | ||
| He would get super passionate and give really good speeches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| It's like, God damn. | ||
| And I remember people thinking, this motherfucker is a real politician. | ||
| I don't trust a politician that's not fucking somebody on the side. | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We want debate, we want amendment, but we're still a no! | |
| And then we stand up and say, oh, if only we had a different process, we'd vote yes. | ||
| You vote yes if you believe yes. | ||
| You vote in favor of something, you believe it's the right thing. | ||
| If you believe it's the wrong thing, you vote no. | ||
| We are following a procedure. | ||
| I will not yield to the gentlemen, and the gentlemen will observe regular order. | ||
| The gentlemen will observe regular order. | ||
| That's correct. | ||
| See how he won't say him or you? | ||
| It's Republicans wrapping their arms around Republicans rather than doing the right thing on behalf of the heroes. | ||
| It is a shame! | ||
| A shame! | ||
| If you believe this is a bad idea to provide health care, then vote no! | ||
| But don't give me the cowardly view that, oh, if it was a different procedure, the gentleman will observe regular order and sit down! | ||
| I will not! | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| He's a bad motherfucker, dude. | ||
| The only thing missing is fucking. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker, dude. | ||
| The word fucking in between every phrase. | ||
| Because that's what he's saying. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| You're going to sit the fuck down! | ||
| Yeah, he's just too crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I love that. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| This is a fiery guy. | ||
| Fiery, horny, passionate. | ||
| Look at the JFK, Johnson, and Clinton. | ||
| I would argue that you never see a politician that hits that level of emotion. | ||
| That's incredibly rare. | ||
| What he's doing there is very theatrical, which is what they've always said, that politicians are just ugly actors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like show business for people who aren't that good looking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's kind of, in a way, what it is. | ||
| And they don't really have a talent, although Bill Clinton did play the saxophone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But that was before he was president, right? | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| When he went on Arsenio Hall? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wasn't he running? | ||
| Well, I think he was... | ||
| Oh, he was running. | ||
| That's right, because they say it got him the black vote. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, another one. | ||
| He's another perfect example. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And he was an animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loved it. | |
| That's why these people are doing, that's why they want to be a leader. | ||
| It's almost like we want to deny our very nature. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we almost want to pretend that people like that, like these crazy, fiery people that get everybody rallied up, that there's not other things that go with that package. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he went, of course, way over the top. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Took pictures of his kid next to his dick. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| That was fucking weird. | ||
| Dude, he's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's definitely got a tick. | ||
| It's so sad for the wife because he just, you know, she forgave him. | ||
| She took him back. | ||
| He said he was going to go to his classes and do all this shit. | ||
| And then, you know, it's humiliating the first time. | ||
| It's pitiful the second time. | ||
| It's hard out there for a pimp. | ||
| Shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure it is. | ||
| I'm sure it is humiliating. | ||
| I'm sure it is... | ||
| I mean, it's just the whole thing's crazy in the first place that he has this compulsion to just chat with girls online like that and send dick pictures and stuff. | ||
| For him, it's so fun. | ||
| It's obviously so fun. | ||
| And it's beyond insane that his last name is Wiener. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's almost like we're living in a movie. | ||
| If this was in a Judd Apatow movie, you'd be like, why is that so obvious? | ||
| Come on, his name is Weiner. | ||
| What am I, 13? | ||
| You know? | ||
| His name is Dick Weiner. | ||
| Boy, he's so weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people are weird, man. | ||
| People are fucking weird. | ||
| They're so weird. | ||
| Well, if you want to be that... | ||
| I mean, it's kind of a thing in life. | ||
| It's like, how passionate do you allow yourself to be? | ||
| Because there's a loss of control that goes with getting that passionate. | ||
| And when you go for it, that's when you end up, you know, maybe having an affair or maybe killing somebody because you're just fucking letting your id run wild. | ||
| But that's where sometimes great creativity comes from. | ||
| Which is why you get so many great artists and directors that end up, you know, Woody Allen fucking his daughter and, you know, Roman Polanski. | ||
| You know, you just think of all the truly creative people. | ||
| They do fucked up things because they're just putting themselves out there. | ||
| Well, also because a lot of what makes them want to be whatever it is in the first place, whether it's an actor or a famous person or a singer or Kelly or any of these people, to want to be out there that much. | ||
| Yeah, the ego. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's got to be some madness involved in that, usually. | ||
| And a lot of it involves your childhood and how you were wired growing up or what you were missing that led you to push so hard. | ||
| Everybody that I know, you included, that's hilarious, had some crazy fucking life growing up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, where it was like, you know, when you tell me the story about your parents chain smoking in the house while you were just locked in the winter with the windows closed and you're like a baby. | ||
| And I had asthma. | ||
| I had an inhaler. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| You had your jet smoking in the car with your kid who has an asthma inhaler in his pocket. | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I can't. | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| We used to give them for presents. | ||
| Do you remember this in art class? | ||
| You'd get shells and you'd paint the shells like little clam shells. | ||
| You ever do that? | ||
| And you paint them and you glaze them and bake them. | ||
| And then we'd give them to my parents and they'd use them as ashtrays. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was like putting a cigarette out in your little heart. | ||
| Here's what I think of those three hours you spent in art class. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| See, that's a poll that's an undeniable one, right? | ||
| Smoking? | ||
| The cigarette one? | ||
| That seems like everybody gets that one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the alcohol pull, it's like some people get it, some people don't. | ||
| Some people can drink a little and not drink for a while. | ||
| Cigarettes, it seems like almost everybody who gets into it gets stuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems like it's got a, like if you were looking at it as a jujitsu artist, it's got a very high rate of finishes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like there's certain guys that get into certain positions like, ooh, you might be fucked. | ||
| Like, there's this guy Damien Maio fights in the UFC, strangles everybody. | ||
| And he's just one of those guys when he gets on your back, you're like, ooh, you probably fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a very high rate of finishing. | ||
| And that's like if you're smoking cigarettes for three months. | ||
| Gets you in a headlock. | ||
| If you're smoking cigarettes every day for three months, come on. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| No, it's chemical. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they say that it's tougher than a heroin addiction. | ||
| I can imagine. | ||
| I really could. | ||
| I really could imagine. | ||
| I've heard people argue back and forth about the heroin thing. | ||
| I had this guy, Dr. Carl Hart, on my podcast. | ||
| And it was actually being discussed recently on the message board, which is why I'm bringing it up, where they were saying that he's not correct. | ||
| Because he says he's actually experimented with a bunch of drugs himself. | ||
| He's pretty open about it. | ||
| But he's also... | ||
| A brilliant academic who writes books. | ||
| He's an addiction specialist. | ||
| And he's like, there's so much misinformation when it comes to heroin withdrawal. | ||
| He goes, it's like being sick. | ||
| It's like you have the flu. | ||
| That's literally what it's like. | ||
| He's like, that's the physical embodiment of all the symptoms. | ||
| They're very flu-like, and then they go away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's more psychological and there's so much more going on about this sort of dependency on this substance. | ||
| It's not just like a physical dependency. | ||
| There's a bunch of other factors that sort of can't be denied or ignored and they all play in together. | ||
| But then other people on my message board were saying, no, you're so wrong. | ||
| I tried to kick heroin. | ||
| It was unbelievably hard. | ||
| My body was in shock. | ||
| And then another dude who said that all he did was get on a plane and go somewhere where he knew he couldn't get heroin for a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's how he kicked it. | ||
| He said, fuck it, I'm just not going to do this anymore. | ||
| And he said it was only like a few days of feeling like a flu. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck is right, and I also don't know, again, if it's the same for everybody. | ||
| It's like the alcohol thing. | ||
| It's like all these different things. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Some people have addictive behaviors, personalities, but... | ||
| I think the problem is, is just because you kicked the drug, you're now back to square one. | ||
| And square one was, I need drugs. | ||
| You may not be addicted, but you still didn't do the work necessary to rebuild your foundation and to not have dependency issues. | ||
| So now you're at a weakened state because you've just had the flu, and you need to start going to meetings, being disciplined, you know, whatever it takes to, if it's talk therapy or exercise, whatever it is that makes you write, You need to transition into that immediately. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And most people don't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever smoke? | ||
| I smoked a cigarette or two with my sister when I was like 15 and she was 14. Like we moved into this new neighborhood and hung out with the local toughs. | ||
| Hey, Joey! | ||
| And we went to the bridge. | ||
| We went down to the bridge. | ||
| There's this place near my house called Echo Bridge. | ||
| It was actually right across the street from my house when I was growing up. | ||
| And you could get under the bridge and you could yell and it echoes in this crazy way. | ||
| It's in Newton, Upper Falls, Massachusetts. | ||
| And we'd go down there and sing Billy Squire songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone. | |
| And it was all, you know, people feeling each other up and drinking beers. | ||
| They snuck out of their dad's kitchen. | ||
| Probably the best times of your life. | ||
| Very strange times, man. | ||
| Very strange times. | ||
| It doesn't get much better than that, sadly. | ||
| Well, it was all very interesting. | ||
| And then there was a kid who was a little bit older than us that we knew that we were hanging out. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's right by the Charles River. | ||
| That's where I grew up. | ||
| You're doing a good job today. | ||
| Jamie's on the ball, son. | ||
| But there's a kid who was in my neighborhood who killed somebody drunk driving, killed his best friend while we were all in high school together. | ||
| Leaving Echo Bridge? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But it was that kind of thing. | ||
| You know, it was like everybody was partying. | ||
| People were going, like, that's all anybody wanted to do. | ||
| It's like everybody's going to parties. | ||
| You know, Mikey's having a party this weekend. | ||
| You're going, Donnie's got a party. | ||
| We're going to go, hey, we've got to find a place to party. | ||
| And there was, this is like the state caveman days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, we're talking about like the 1980s. | ||
| People were cavemen. | ||
| No one had phones. | ||
| There was no, there was, most people didn't even have a fucking answering machine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, basic cable. | ||
| You had like three channels. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So people would just wind up getting drunk. | ||
| And there are kids, and a lot of them drove home drunk. | ||
| And I tried really hard not to, but I'm sure I probably did it at least two or three times. | ||
| When I was a teenager, I drove to the point where I definitely shouldn't have been driving. | ||
| Oh, I... Drunk drove fucking three nights a week, like severely drunk. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, luckily I wasn't drinking that much because it was like right when I had just started to transition into getting into martial arts. | ||
| And from then on, I pretty much stopped partying totally. | ||
| But it coincided with this dude around the same time. | ||
| I'm not sure like numbers wise I might be off by a year or two but it was around that area where I was realizing that there was a lot of us they're like doing a really irresponsible dangerous shit like driving drunk and and being drunk all the time going to these parties and having fun and I'm like this is like someone's gonna drown someone's gonna fall off a roof some shit's gonna go down yeah and then this dude I guess he hit a tree or something like that and killed his best friend Did he survive? | ||
| Yeah, he survived. | ||
| What a thing to live with. | ||
| And we were all like, oh shit. | ||
| And the cops actually broke it to him that way. | ||
| You killed your best friend. | ||
| That's what they said when he was coming out of the unconsciousness in the hospital. | ||
| That's how they explained it to him. | ||
| You killed your best friend. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Just probably blitzed. | ||
| You know, and also probably, if I had to guess, I think he was a little older than me. | ||
| I might have been like 17 at the time, so he was 18. 18, it's done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's over, kid. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Maybe I have it wrong, 16, 17. But it was somewhere in that range of he's a young guy who's just starting to drive, and now all of a sudden his friend's dead, and he's got that mark on him for the rest of his life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I remember thinking, alright, fuck drinking. | ||
| Fuck all this. | ||
| Fuck pot. | ||
| I didn't want to have nothing to do with anything, anything that was going to ruin my life. | ||
| I'm like, you can really ruin your life and other people's lives and the loved ones of those other people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of narrow escapes. | ||
| You know, I think about those situations. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| There's a ripple effect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can change whole communities with one action. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I had a buddy growing up, and he was a bad alcoholic. | ||
| I used to take him to AA meetings, and people tried to do interventions, and he was just really, really chemically bad. | ||
| He was a Jekyll and Hyde personality. | ||
| You know, when he was sober, he was the greatest guy in the world, loved hanging out with him, and he'd get drunk and he'd try to fight me. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And so one night he was driving. | ||
| He had his girlfriend in the car. | ||
| And they got into a fight. | ||
| And so he left her. | ||
| She got out of the car. | ||
| And then he got on the highway. | ||
| But then he stopped to go back and get her. | ||
| So he got back on the highway going the opposite direction. | ||
| And hit a car head on. | ||
| And killed the two people and died. | ||
| And it was like the town still, it's like his family is so intertwined in my town that it was like a, they're almost like a political party. | ||
| They're so, you know, part of it. | ||
| Well, you think about Ted Kennedy. | ||
| I don't know why today's Ted Kennedy Day. | ||
| I keep bringing him up. | ||
| But that Chappaquiddick thing, the Chappaquiddick Bridge where he was drunk and his car went into the water and his girlfriend drowned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he didn't report it until like hours later. | ||
| Next morning, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But with him, I got the sense that he'd been driving drunk every fucking night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Kopinski. | ||
| You don't get that face. | ||
| Mary Jo Kopinski. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, we always remember that when we were kids. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| He just fucking left. | ||
| Later! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's so dark. | ||
| I wonder if he could have saved her. | ||
| He just went off the bridge. | ||
| Drunk as fuck off the bridge and she drowns. | ||
| That's something he had to carry with him, right? | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Some people carry stuff more than others. | ||
| I mean, he continued to drink. | ||
| That wasn't his bottom-out point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He might have drank to forget. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| He had a lot to forget. | ||
| He had two brothers that were assassinated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Another one who died flying a plane in World War II? Yeah. | ||
| Joe? | ||
| And he lived to see his nephew die flying his plane. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was another weird one. | ||
| That was weird. | ||
| He misjudged the ocean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was he fully licensed at the time? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think he might have been, but he should have had more hours for what time of night he was flying in the distance or something. | ||
| Wasn't he flying in fog as well? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| His wife was a friend of mine from BU. Really? | ||
| Carolyn Bessette. | ||
| Yeah, we were friends with her. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Second most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Other than your wife. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Well done. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| I like how you did that. | ||
| Gorgeous woman. | ||
| Like, lit up a party. | ||
| Green eyes, tall, just fucking striking. | ||
| Fuck flying your own plane, bro. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it feels like it might be a lot of fucking fun. | ||
| I've never done it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be a lot of fun. | |
| Have you done it? | ||
| I have been in other people's planes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I was in high school, I had a kid who I was real good friends with when I was like 14, and his dad... | ||
| Was I even 14? | ||
| Why am I rambling? | ||
| His dad was like a big-time hunter and fisherman, and he would fly around. | ||
| Actually, I think he was a poacher, in fact. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I think he was missing an eye. | ||
| He was a very strange guy, yeah. | ||
| And we would go camping with this dude, and he would be outside in Maine, and it was like zero degrees out, and he'd be out there in his underwear, in his long underwear. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| It's like he had ice water in his veins. | ||
| It would be so cold out. | ||
| This guy would be just standing around talking to people with a t-shirt on. | ||
| He just didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Was he fat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Bitch tits. | ||
| Fat gut. | ||
| Only fat people could stand out in the cold like that. | ||
| He was like an old school sort of survivor type dude in a lot of ways. | ||
| He was a guy who could stay in the woods and live in the woods. | ||
| And he had a plane. | ||
| One of those little... | ||
| One of those little shitty prop planes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like you'd see on one of those Mountain Men episodes, the guys are flying over the woods by themselves. | ||
| They're wood, yeah. | ||
| He had one of those. | ||
| And his son was learning how to take lessons, so I went up with him. | ||
| So we were like, you know, we were fucking kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like really young. | ||
| And he's flying around this goddamn airplane with an instructor, but me, him, and an instructor. | ||
| Was it scary? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You're like, this thing's a piece of shit. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| I mean, this is like a bush plane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like barely held together. | ||
| It's like a lot of people's cars. | ||
| You know, you get in some people's cars, you're like, all right, I hope we make it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And in that case, maybe you coast onto the shoulder if things don't go well. | ||
| Like, if you're friends with a comic and they give you a ride, like, hey, you going to the improv? | ||
| Can I go with you? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| And you get in a car and it's an 86 Buick. | ||
| You're like, we might not make it there. | ||
| Like, as we're moving along, we've got to realize this might not work out. | ||
| I kind of miss that feeling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| You know, I had AAA and I fucking used it. | ||
| I think you got three pickups a year and I just always remember going over my three-ride maximum. | ||
| I'll tell you this, I do think that the character building aspects of driving in a place where your car could break down or get stuck in the snow and the ice that we experienced when we were kids, I think there's something that I really benefited from that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've benefited from being scared of the weather for a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, and understanding, like, okay, if you drive out there tonight, there's fucking four inches of snow on the ground, they haven't done any plowing, you're gonna run into some black ice too, because you know it was raining before it was snowing, before it got cold enough to snow. | ||
| Okay, we're going to do this? | ||
| Nobody has to do that in California. | ||
| You don't ever have to go out and wonder whether or not you're going to stay on the road. | ||
| That was a real issue when we were kids. | ||
| Can you keep your car on the road? | ||
| Whether you put chains on it. | ||
| I never did chains. | ||
| Did you do chains? | ||
| When I was in Boston, I did some gigs where I used chains. | ||
| There was that hotel, the Balsams Hotel. | ||
| I don't think they would have booked you. | ||
| Is that the one where they kicked you out? | ||
| You were swearing, they kicked you out, they made you drive home where the moose were on the road? | ||
| I drove four and a half hours up to Maine to go to this fucking hotel. | ||
| And they tell you, it's like the nicest hotel in New England. | ||
| It's 150 years old. | ||
| It's like The Shining. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| And I drive up there like four and a half hours. | ||
| And I get there and they go, all right, listen... | ||
| Do 20 minutes and just please don't say fuck. | ||
| So I walk on stage and I go, well, they told me I can't say fuck tonight. | ||
| And I say fuck about 10 times. | ||
| And I checked into my room and unpacked. | ||
| I got off stage. | ||
| My bag was packed. | ||
| And they're like, you're out of here. | ||
| Now it's fucking midnight. | ||
| And I mean, you know Maine black out at night. | ||
| I mean, there is no fucking light at all. | ||
| And just moose, deer, fucking constant wildlife on this little two-lane road for hours. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it was brutal. | ||
| Yeah, that road from like, is it Portland to Bangor? | ||
| What's the first stop when you go across the border into Maine? | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| Portland's the most close city. | ||
| Yeah, but there's one that's a little bit closer. | ||
| Something Bridge. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But anyway, we would go across that, and then you would go from this one stop all the way to Bangor. | ||
| It was one exit, and it was 60 miles. | ||
| It was a long stretch. | ||
| It's probably like 60 miles, right? | ||
| I'm not exaggerating, am I? I don't think I am. | ||
| No, we didn't think about that with those gigs. | ||
| We never thought about how far it was. | ||
| We just thought about date to write in my calendar. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You got a date, I got an open, I'm fucking there. | ||
| I don't care where it is. | ||
| Never a hotel! | ||
| That Balsam's thing was like the only gig you got that we stayed in a hotel. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I did a few for... | ||
| There was a couple people that booked gigs. | ||
| Oh, it was Norm LaFoe. | ||
| Oh, and Sherry... | ||
| Yeah, and Sherry Hirsch used to have a bunch of them. | ||
| But Norm LaFoe had one, I believe it was in Maine. | ||
| And it was actually a pretty good gig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, remember, there were so many people that booked gigs. | ||
| Bill Downs was booking gigs. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| The Comedy Connection, the old Comedy Connection was booking gigs. | ||
| Boston Comedy was booking gigs. | ||
| Barry Katz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a lot of different people that realized... | ||
| Dick Daugherty. | ||
| Dick Daugherty booked a lot of gigs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They realized that they can make money just by setting up these comedy nights in these bars. | ||
| And so we would travel all over New England doing these things. | ||
| But some of those gigs, like the Bangor one, would take you to these places where if you weren't a comedian, what are the odds you're just going to go drive up there one day? | ||
| You're going to leave Boston and take a three and a half hour drive up through the wilderness on these little tiny ass roads in January. | ||
| I know! | ||
| And no fucking GPS. No. | ||
| We had a map and a prayer, you know, and it was like, you know, you never knew if you booked the gig, if it was more than three months out, there was a 50% chance the gig was canceled. | ||
| I never booked anything that far out, I don't think. | ||
| No? | ||
| I wasn't that desirable. | ||
| No. | ||
| I was getting gigs. | ||
| You were the filling guy? | ||
| Yeah, I was getting gigs. | ||
| If I got a good gig, it was like, you know, two weeks out or something like that was the maximum. | ||
| But there was the gigs that were like the fucking... | ||
| Death gigs. | ||
| The death gig. | ||
| Giggles. | ||
| I know they loved you early on, right? | ||
| Didn't they used to headline you early on? | ||
| That was Mike Clark. | ||
| Giggles is Mike Clark. | ||
| And Mike Clark was like, kid, you gotta clean it up, Rogan. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| This is Lenny Clark's brother, by the way. | ||
| Who's dirty and one of the best comics from Boston ever. | ||
| Lenny Clark is a monster. | ||
| And just dirty, partier, you know, just an animal, right? | ||
| They used to do cocaine every night for a decade. | ||
| Oh, at least. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The second time I ever got paid to work, I worked for Norm LaFoe. | ||
| And I worked at Jay's in Pittsfield. | ||
| Do you remember Pittsfield? | ||
| Pittsfield's another place. | ||
| You drive way out there. | ||
| And I got off stage. | ||
| I opened for Lenny. | ||
| I got off stage and Mike was like, look, I'd like to use you, but you gotta clean it up. | ||
| And that fucking Madonna bit. | ||
| I mean, it's funny, Joe, but you gotta clean it up. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| And then Lenny came off stage. | ||
| Don't listen to him, kid. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I laughed my balls off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you were talking about the colored kid, fucking shopping that bit up. | ||
| Shopping. | ||
| Shopping that bit up, Fitzsimmons. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Fitzy. | ||
| Fitzdog. | ||
| Fitzdog, I'm going to take you down the cape. | ||
| How many Fitzies did we know? | ||
| Dave Fitzgerald. | ||
| Yeah, but in Boston in general, there's so many Fitzies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A lot of Fitzies. | ||
| I grew up with Fitzies. | ||
| There were so many goddamn Fitzies. | ||
| Hey, Fitzy's coming. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Which Fitzy? | ||
| Fitzgerald, Fitzpatrick, Fitzsimmons, Fitzsimons. | ||
| There's a Fitzsimons? | ||
| Did you make that one up? | ||
| No, Fitzsimons is the original Irish spelling of it. | ||
| And then when he came to the U.S., they added another M. Oh, wow. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| It's an Irish-heavy community, man. | ||
| Boston's so still to this day, so Irish-heavy. | ||
| It's always interesting. | ||
| And the police force, all fucking Irish. | ||
| Cops, firemen, a lot of Irish in the fire department. | ||
| Politicians. | ||
| It's also, you have different flavors on the East Coast that you don't get a lot on the West Coast, like Puerto Ricans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, Puerto Ricans in New York, they add a very real flavor. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| There's like a flavor. | ||
| They got flair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got style. | ||
| We have the Mexican, like, influence over here on the West Coast, which is like a little bit more laid back. | ||
| Very laid back, very, like, when you hear Trump talk about criminals and shit from Mexico, I'm like, that's diametrically the opposite of how I picture Mexicans. | ||
| Look, man, there's criminals everywhere, but I find that Mexican people that I meet, especially in America, down to earth, easy to hang out with, is very common. | ||
| Family-first. | ||
| Family-oriented, very common. | ||
| Friendly. | ||
| Hard-working. | ||
| Hard-working. | ||
| Good sense of humor. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a bad group of people by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| It's like what the Republicans say they want. | ||
| Christian families that stay together and work hard. | ||
| You got them. | ||
| Yeah, Mexicans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, they're brown, though. | ||
| I mean, it's really like they're from over there. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| It's so fucking stupid. | ||
| I mean, Ted Cruz is, first of all, his last name is Latino, and he's born in fucking Canada. | ||
| And for a guy like that to be against immigration is so hilarious. | ||
| Like, look at your name, you fuck! | ||
| Look at where you were born, dummy. | ||
| Well, Rubio is anti-immigration as well. | ||
| They're all crazy. | ||
| Well, what about fucking Trump, who's got two wives that were... | ||
| One was questionable about her legality with her green card. | ||
| He could potentially be married to a woman who is guilty of illegal immigration. | ||
| Um, she's hot. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Yeah, she is hot. | ||
| That's all that matters. | ||
| She's still hot. | ||
| She's hot enough, dude. | ||
| She's got the Willy Waka golden ticket. | ||
| And it's between our legs. | ||
| And she gets in. | ||
| Nobody's going to deny a girl looks like that a green card. | ||
| Why would you not let her in? | ||
| And she does the foreplay herself. | ||
| Like, he just says 10 minutes, and she gets a little oil, takes a hot tub, gets a finger going down. | ||
| Not hard. | ||
| She doesn't penetrate. | ||
| Gentle. | ||
| Just works the outside. | ||
| Candles? | ||
| Candles. | ||
| Kenny G music? | ||
| Or is that just my one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Little soft sacks. | ||
| God, she's ridiculously hot. | ||
| And those are real tits, apparently. | ||
| Well, who gives a fuck? | ||
| I do. | ||
| But you're not gonna touch them, so who cares? | ||
| Because the top just has that little softness to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, she's gorgeous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's fucking beautiful. | ||
| You know her story? | ||
| She, like, grew up in a fucking farm in, uh... | ||
| Yeah, that's how you gotta get them. | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| The Ukraine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where was she born? | ||
| Or was it Romania? | ||
| Finland. | ||
| Holland. | ||
| No. | ||
| She's Flemish. | ||
| She's Flemish after he fucking throws a hot thick one in her neck. | ||
| She's from... | ||
| Slovenia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So she was dirt poor. | ||
| And, you know, she entered some beauty contest and she got seen. | ||
| They started sending her on commercials and all of a sudden they sent her to New York and she fucking was booking work. | ||
| And the Donalds are... | ||
| And a party, and she was with a guy, and he was with a girl, and he made his move. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the kind of guy you want running president. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Guy who can close! | ||
| It's the guy you got. | ||
| It's the guy you got. | ||
| That's what you need, folks. | ||
| A man who can close. | ||
| Close deals! | ||
| Trump. | ||
| Trump's your man. | ||
| Period. | ||
| Just show him his story. | ||
| Animated. | ||
| That's the commercial. | ||
| Him taking the girl. | ||
| Going upstairs. | ||
| Let's just go for it, folks. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Him. | ||
| He doesn't even take his boxer shorts off. | ||
| They're wrapped around his ankles. | ||
| He's got expensive gold-tipped socks on. | ||
| And he probably keeps his dress shirt on mostly while he's just railing her from behind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it says, Trump. | ||
| He closes deals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| It's just an animated video. | ||
| She's got a laptop on her back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just banging the shit out of her and doing stocks. | ||
| And tweeting at Rosie O'Donald. | ||
| You fat pig. | ||
| You loser, Rosie. | ||
| Sad. | ||
| She has to remind him he's fucking her. | ||
| Donald, couple more. | ||
| Donald, I am down here. | ||
| I'm down here to receive dick. | ||
| I work on my pussy all day for you. | ||
| I squeeze, I squeeze. | ||
| I primp, I shave, I perfume. | ||
| I'm here to make juice. | ||
| I'm here to squeeze. | ||
| And make juice. | ||
| We're going to go to jail. | ||
| That's the president's wife. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's a real possibility. | ||
| I mean, I'm not sure if it's the wrong one either. | ||
| The one thing that I like about Trump becoming president is the one thing that I like is that it throws the whole fucking golf fucking food cart just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just chucks it over. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Figure this mess out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they've got to figure out a way to come up with a candidate that makes sense to people. | ||
| It already has, though. | ||
| I think the GOP knew after Obama got elected twice, the GOP knew that they needed the black vote, the Latino vote, they needed to come more to the center, and they didn't. | ||
| And so Trump happened. | ||
| And now you've got to think that Trump is like the real slap in the face they didn't receive after the black guy won twice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They know they've got to lighten up on some of these social issues like abortion, gay marriage. | ||
| They've got to let it the fuck go and not worry about bathrooms with a girl and a boy's back. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| That's why it's moving to immigration. | ||
| Immigration is one that taps those primal fears of invaders. | ||
| And it's not a real issue. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Invaders moved into my neighborhood. | ||
| They're taking jobs. | ||
| And they're raping. | ||
| They take all the fruit off the trees. | ||
| The trees are barren. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The invaders have come. | |
| They're taking all the good jobs. | ||
| That's a weird thing too. | ||
| I feel like these are the last holdouts to the inevitable conclusion that borders are retarded. | ||
| We can't have borders anymore. | ||
| If we all want to pretend to be even, we all want to be like, we all want to be like kind. | ||
| We want Holland to treat Finland the same way. | ||
| We want Japan to treat China. | ||
| But everybody just treat everybody like they would if we were one gigantic community. | ||
| Well, you're never going to have that if you have these places where you can't go in, and you can't get out, and they can hold you. | ||
| Like, you can't just cross the border, and you have to go to this place, and they check your bags. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| What are these, like, whoa, this side, we've done a better job of managing resources, and we're not going to pick up the slack for those brownies. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Those brownies with their El Cucaracha music, drinking that tequila down south of the border. | ||
| We're going to put up a wall! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They had the same opportunities as us and they squandered them, squandered! | |
| For right now, that makes sense. | ||
| I understand the impulse to do that right now. | ||
| I understand if you're the person who doesn't want your house broken into or you're the rich guy who lives really close to San Diego and you're like, fuck that, keep them over there. | ||
| I get the sentiment, but when you look at it, if you take yourself out of the picture and you look at the overall picture of human beings on the planet, inevitably those things are going away. | ||
| This is only a matter of time. | ||
| Tower of Babel! | ||
| I was in Seattle the other day and I used this lens thing on phones. | ||
| Have you ever done this? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where you can take your phone and you hold it up And you can hold it up to an image that has writing on it, and it translates it on your phone. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I used it in Italy. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It reads it. | ||
| The photo gets read by your phone. | ||
| It'll read a fucking menu. | ||
| You could put up a menu in Italian, and it'll tell you what the entrees are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Dude. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I mean, how long before there's something where when someone talks... | ||
| It's immediately translating it in real time back to you. | ||
| You just put an iPhone ear thing on. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You say they have it? | ||
| They have it already? | ||
| Of course they have it. | ||
| If a fucking moron like me comes up with it, like, hey, how about you do this? | ||
| We've been working on it for 10 years! | ||
| We have a startup! | ||
| Here's my test if something's good. | ||
| Elon Musk is involved! | ||
| Yeah, that's hilarious. | ||
| In your device that translates foreign languages in real time. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This gadget company... | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| ...comprises two earpieces that easily fit into your ears. | ||
| That is fucking amazing. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| So when people are talking... | ||
| It's $129! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it! | |
| Dude, what's that called? | ||
| I'm fucking buying one tomorrow. | ||
| So I can understand what my kids are saying about me in Spanish. | ||
| It's called Waverly? | ||
| Something Waverly? | ||
| Waverly Labs. | ||
| The company that made it Waverly Labs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'm on that shit. | ||
| Goddamn, this is an amazing time to be alive when it comes to this stuff. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| All of these things in theory should bring us together and break down barriers. | ||
| Look at Brexit. | ||
| They tried to pull together and they fucking, you know, Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| Doesn't end well. | ||
| I need to talk to my friend Steve Hilton. | ||
| I've had him on the podcast before. | ||
| Like the Hilton Hotels? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| He's a politician from England. | ||
| He was for a while. | ||
| He was David Cameron's right-hand man. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And now he runs this thing over in America. | ||
| He runs a startup called CrowdPak, Well, you kind of can find out what the candidates stand for. | ||
| You put in what you stand for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard about this, and it tells you what candidate you should vote for. | |
| Yeah, what candidate best represents your positions and these things. | ||
| But he actually thinks that the Brexit thing is a good idea. | ||
| I haven't talked to him about it. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| I know that's what his opinion is, and I would like to hear it. | ||
| I want to know what that... | ||
| Because I don't have an opinion. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| I understand that they don't want people to be able to immigrate freely all throughout Europe and come to the UK. That's where England had an issue. | ||
| And I understand that some people think it's racist. | ||
| But I don't know enough of it to have an opinion. | ||
| I think it's a populist movement. | ||
| I think it got a lot of energy from the wrong people, and the focus was on the wrong parts of it. | ||
| But economically, I mean, the pound dropped in value, or the euro dropped in value when they pulled out. | ||
| And, you know, a lot of countries said they're not going to do business with England for a while. | ||
| They're going to punish them. | ||
| See, but this is what I'm saying. | ||
| If you look at what we're talking about when we're talking about borders, that's essentially like a dissolving of borders. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's essentially what they're saying. | ||
| Like, we're just going to start saying these borders don't mean anything. | ||
| You can move to wherever the fuck you want, just pop back and forth from each one of these countries in Europe. | ||
| We're a union. | ||
| Like the United States, in a lot of ways. | ||
| And really, probably, how much bigger... | ||
| Who's bigger? | ||
| All of Europe and the European Union or the continental United States? | ||
| What's bigger physically? | ||
| Well, Russia's got a ton of fucking land, but a lot of it's just ice. | ||
| Right, but is Russia considered Europe? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Asia. | ||
| Russia's Asia. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, we're learning. | ||
| You didn't know that? | ||
| No, I thought it was part of Europe. | ||
| Dare you, racist. | ||
| You're so lucky they're white. | ||
| Because you could be ignorant about them and no one gives a shit. | ||
| Lucky I'm white. | ||
| Well, you know what I mean? | ||
| Because Russians are white. | ||
| You can't be called a racist. | ||
| How big is the United States compared to Europe? | ||
| The United States is 9,161,923 kilometers. | ||
| Europe is 3 million. | ||
| So we're 788. So yeah, we're three times larger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, close to it at least. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Two and a half times the size of the European Union. | ||
| Okay, but either way, we're talking about two fairly large countries. | ||
| I'm still reeling from the fact that Russia's not in Europe. | ||
| I can't fucking believe that I'm this old, and I've been to college, and I don't know that. | ||
| Well, do you know the story of the Mongols? | ||
| People now listening to this are going, no! | ||
| No more Mongols! | ||
| No more! | ||
| I read the Genghis Khan biography. | ||
| It's one of the greatest fucking books of all time. | ||
| Do me a favor, and everybody who hasn't heard of this before, do me a favor. | ||
| Listen to Dan Carlin's hardcore history series called The Wrath of the Khan. | ||
| It is fucking epic. | ||
| It's five episodes. | ||
| It's a mind-blowing story. | ||
| But Dan Carlin covers it like it's a masterpiece. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a masterpiece. | ||
| It's five episodes on Genghis Khan and his family and all the crazy shit that they did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The crazy shit was how much they conquered. | ||
| I don't know if they were the biggest conquerors in history, but European Russia. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Russia is a European... | ||
| Okay, the question is, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, located in Asia. | ||
| A larger part of its huge landmass is located in what is Asia, while more Russians live in the country's European part. | ||
| Oh, so it's both. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Alright, so we can agree or disagree. | ||
| Moscow's on the far western part of it, I believe. | ||
| So Moscow's the European part? | ||
| Yeah, close to that, and then the rest of it's the Asian. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So, is that all that, so I don't know that much about the globe, even though I do know the Earth is flat because I go on YouTube. | ||
| Have you been paying attention to that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, you don't know. | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| There's a fucking enormous group of people in America in 2016 that think the Earth is flat and that it is a big conspiracy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's tons of videos on it. | ||
| There are tons of videos on how satellites are not real, but they're planes in low Earth orbit. | ||
| They just keep flying around, transmitting data. | ||
| They're just constantly flying these planes around, lying about there being satellites. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's like hipsters that are dressing like they're from the 1800s and cooking like they're from the 1800s. | ||
| And now they're going to go back to scientific beliefs from the 19th century. | ||
| Wow, look at how it's all connected. | ||
| Back up a little bit there, young Jamie. | ||
| Look how China just sort of rolls into Europe like that. | ||
| And that's why... | ||
| When you look at all the different kinds of languages that exist in that one area. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a ton of languages, and it used to be a ton of currencies. | ||
| I remember traveling around Europe. | ||
| I had a backpack for six months when I was 18, and I just hopped around. | ||
| And my biggest nightmare was change going from Belgium to fucking Holland to London to France every day You had more money than you would spent so now you got these Franks you can't fucking use So you've already paid a commission to get your money into French Franks now You got to pay money to convert it to you know pounds so you're getting double whacked on every transition and It was fucking huge pain in the ass God All I was trying to do was get laid. | ||
| And so then they switched over to the Euro. | ||
| It made everything way easier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now that England bailed, no more European Union, so no more Euro either. | ||
| No, the... | ||
| They're going to keep using the Euro? | ||
| The EEC is going to continue on. | ||
| They're just not going to have England as part of it. | ||
| But I'm saying no more Euro in England. | ||
| No, I don't think England ever converted. | ||
| I think they stayed with the pound all this time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were always half in on this shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We are better than you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| We're not sure if we want you joining. | ||
| We've got these lovely pictures of an inbred queen on our five quid note. | ||
| We've thought it over and decided to just let you two sort it out on your own. | ||
| We'll be over here in England. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| We're going to have a little tea while you all fucking... | ||
| They're fucked for a while. | ||
| Everybody hates them. | ||
| Are you going to address your fundamentalist problem? | ||
| Yes or no? | ||
| We will no longer be backing up your socialist program. | ||
| But one day, it's going to be what it is, right? | ||
| One day, they're going to figure out how to get the whole thing and make it one. | ||
| Might not be in our lifetime. | ||
| Might be a hundred years from now where they abandon the idea of... | ||
| That's the only way things are going to be fair. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because one way things are not fair, if you live in a really shitty country, if you're really a war-torn part of the world or something like that, you're not allowed to just move anywhere you want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everybody would just live in Miami. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They would just all go... | ||
| They'd just go to the good spot and they would just overwhelm that bitch. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, they'd just fucking float on over and Miami would just be like a crazy market. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It would just be chickens running through the streets and people playing music in their underwear. | ||
| Way more extreme than it is now. | ||
| Shoulder to shoulder on the beach. | ||
| You'd never get anywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd be like Rio. | ||
| But like Kansas would be like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Tumbleweez. | ||
| Until global warming kicks in then everybody's heading up to the fucking Midwest. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| Well, that's sort of how it's always been. | ||
| I'm not excusing people. | ||
| It's one thing that I think gets lost in this whole climate change debate. | ||
| Climate change, for the record, I think is definitely real, and I think it's definitely being affected by human beings and pollution and what we're doing to the environment. | ||
| I don't think that's deniable. | ||
| But, I think that said, we should also look at, forget about what people have done. | ||
| I think just we should also be aware that this fucking thing changes. | ||
| And there's ice ages back when people were knocking sticks together and hoping to start a fire and still created an ice age. | ||
| Had nothing to do with people. | ||
| The thing fluctuates. | ||
| It gets weird. | ||
| And you can go through periods where North America is covered in a mile-high sheet of ice like was the case 10,000 years ago. | ||
| That's hard for people to get in their heads. | ||
| 10,000 years ago, we weren't doing anything as far as cars. | ||
| There was no hairspray. | ||
| We weren't shitting on the earth at all. | ||
| And there was a mile-high sheet of ice that covered most of North America. | ||
| That's the Great Lakes. | ||
| That's all those flatlands. | ||
| Those were plowed over by giant glaciers that just smushed the earth. | ||
| That was 10,000 years ago. | ||
| There's statues from 10,000 years ago. | ||
| There's shit in Turkey that they've discovered that's 3,000 years older than that. | ||
| So during that time, without people doing anything, it's changed radically. | ||
| So I'm not exonerating people, but I'm saying there's a real fucking stupid part of this global warming climate change issue is that it's become some sort of an ideological debate between the left and the right. | ||
| The left who blame everything on people and the right who say it's all bullshit. | ||
| Or some of them say it's all bullshit or offer solutions that really don't take into account the environment. | ||
| The reality is this fucking planet is volatile. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Once again, it's become a debate where one side has to negate the other side for their truth to be the only truth. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, well that does happen with people, man. | ||
| We get super rigid in not just an opinion, but in a side. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a side you take. | ||
| I think we have to be, whoever's right or whoever's wrong about global warming, we have to fucking wake up as to how much resources we have left and how quickly we burn in them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there was just something about China, one area of China that's dangerously close to having its oceans ecosystem completely collapse due to overfishing. | ||
| They're like, yeah, because you think about what the ocean is, right? | ||
| Let's turn the ocean into, instead of this gigantic mass of water, let's just have a tank the size of this room. | ||
| And all these little fish in here are fucking making new fish. | ||
| And then we throw in a few little tiny boats with scoopers in them. | ||
| And they just scoop around and scoop fish up. | ||
| Just scoop fish up. | ||
| And hopefully scoop fish up In enough time that gives the remaining fish time to fuck and make more fish, and then they scoop fish up, and then they scoop fish up, and they keep doing this. | ||
| How long can you do that before there's no more fish? | ||
| Well, it turns out it's about 50, 60 years. | ||
| And where they are at right now is there's some places that are collapsing. | ||
| They're like, wow, there's no more fish. | ||
| Because it's not just the fish you're catching. | ||
| It's the ones that feed on them. | ||
| Well, it's not only that. | ||
| It's like there's no sustainability plan in a lot of parts of the world. | ||
| Just suck out as much as you can. | ||
| Fuck the world. | ||
| And just do it because that's how you make a profit. | ||
| And they're just international waters. | ||
| There's like all this weird debate about how you can control people fishing and what you can do. | ||
| They have a hard enough time, like Sea Shepherd has a hard enough time catching people killing whales. | ||
| Do you know how they're getting away with killing whales? | ||
| How? | ||
| They pretend that it's scientific research. | ||
| Yeah, because every country's allotted 20 whales a year or something. | ||
| Yeah, so these boats go out and they slaughter whales for scientific research and then they sell their bodies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a loophole that allows them to profit still off killing whales. | ||
| You could never do that if a whale was a land creature in North America where it was this beautiful thing that walked by and went... | ||
| And we knew there was only a few of them left. | ||
| Like, wow, keep that thing alive. | ||
| How cool it is. | ||
| They never hurt people. | ||
| They only eat plants. | ||
| No, look what happened to the orcas at SeaWorld. | ||
| People are boycotting the park because a couple of them died. | ||
| And they should. | ||
| Because they were on land. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not only that, one of them tried to kill themselves. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| One of them beached themselves. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, one of them came out of the container and laid on the ground, tried to kill itself. | ||
| It makes sense, man. | ||
| They're supposed to be smart. | ||
| Yeah, it's tough because the ocean doesn't have... | ||
| I mean, you go back to borders, at least if you've got a border around a piece of ocean, you can say, we can save our piece of the ocean. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if China does that, there's ripple effects, and eventually it affects all the oceans. | ||
| Yeah, you can't tell people where to go unless they have guns. | ||
| If they come over in a battleship, right, that's when you can tell them, hey, fuckface. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if, like, a fishing boat, you'd probably get pretty close. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they must have, like, waters that are designated... | ||
| For international fishing. | ||
| Yeah there is. | ||
| I was looking up part of the problem with the marine life and whatnot, and I got to this article that says that they're doing land reclamation, which is also destroying what things. | ||
| They're adding new islands in an area in between different countries where they already have islands, which is breaking some international water laws, which is what you guys were just talking about. | ||
| The United Nations is mad at them for doing this because it sounds like it's kind of blocking off area that should be open for anybody to navigate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| So they're closing off channels. | ||
| For various reasons. | ||
| And they're calling it land reclamation? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was trying to find out what they were doing with it. | ||
| Don't they have enough land? | ||
| How do you make an island? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| Like you have a barge and you just shoot sand until it comes up. | ||
| You just keep pumping, just probably throw all your poo. | ||
| We have to deal with a billion people's poo. | ||
| What should we do with it? | ||
| Let's just make an island. | ||
| Let's make mushroom island. | ||
| Just fucking stack it up. | ||
| You know the fucking magic mushrooms we've thrown out of there. | ||
| Have you seen that one in Dubai? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a series of islands. | ||
| There's two of them. | ||
| One of them that looks like the earth. | ||
| Like, all the continents. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Are they floating, or are those grounded? | ||
| No, well, they're grounded, but they built them up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, I mean, it's so cocky. | ||
| Any fucking change. | ||
| See, they have a seawall around them. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And see how the seawall has, like, those little vents where water can come in and water can come out, but it'll stop, like, a giant surge. | ||
| So it allows water to escape so they don't get overwhelmed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's really interesting, the design, but most people think it's not going to work. | ||
| Mother's gonna take it back. | ||
| Mother's gonna take it all back. | ||
| What have you done down here? | ||
| Mother's gonna go, I think I want to clean today. | ||
| You give me that seawall. | ||
| She's just pulling out Bentleys and Gucci bags and Jimmy Choo shoes. | ||
| Jay-Z's doing a concert there. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| Sucks them into her water. | ||
| Let's try again. | ||
| Take you down to the raw molecules and try again. | ||
| They just suck sand from one part of the ocean and blast it into another. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Scroll down so I can read what it says. | ||
| It says this added 144 miles of shoreline to Dubai. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| 144 miles of sand. | ||
| I mean, talk about the ecosystem. | ||
| They're just sucking sand. | ||
| There's living things in that sand at the bottom of the ocean. | ||
| Um, whatever. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| It is really weird how much money they have. | ||
| I mean, Dubai is like a fascinating exercise in what you can do if you have all the money. | ||
| And no class. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It's like the Vegas of countries. | ||
| The Vegas of countries. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| Whenever I see a young kid in a Ferrari driving down Beverly late at night, La Cienega, those little clubs, all I think is Dubai. | ||
| This guy's got a credit card from his dad in Dubai, and he's just tearing it up, going to clubs and just fucking throwing down a credit card for endless bottles of champagne. | ||
| There is one guy I saw at, there's a Beverly Hills Hotel, I forget which one it was, but I went to dinner there, and they had these cars that were from Saudi Arabia, with Saudi Arabian plates. | ||
| They either fly them over here, or they ship them over here. | ||
| And it's apparently the sign of like a super baller, is that you keep your Saudi Arabian license plates on your Bugatti Veyron as you drive around Beverly Hills. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you're driving around Beverly Hills in a car that costs over a million dollars. | ||
| A million dollars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you have these plates that are not legal at all. | ||
| And no one says shit to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's obvious that you're some prince or some sultan type dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bill Burr has a video up on YouTube about he was in Paris. | ||
| And there's a big thing there of guys from the Middle East flying their cars in. | ||
| Exactly what you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's like a convention of them. | ||
| And it's blocks and blocks of million-dollar cars, and it costs $50,000 to ship it over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And they'll bring over three or four cars each. | ||
| Wow, that's super baller stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But isn't that one of those things where it always accelerates? | ||
| Like, everything continues to accelerate. | ||
| Like, what made you a super baller in 1996 does not make you a super baller in 2016. You've got to get on that next level shit. | ||
| And that next level shit, if you're a guy from Abu Dhabi or Dubai, is every year I fly back To California. | ||
| And I spend the summer there. | ||
| I don't want to be here for the summer. | ||
| So I fly my Bugatti. | ||
| I fly my Ferrari. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just have some baller pad in Beverly Hills. | ||
| And all you just do is cum all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're just shooting loads. | ||
| And the bitches show up. | ||
| They smell the loads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They smell the jewelry. | |
| The Veyron. | ||
| Well, if you're a girl and you are... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's a nice way to put it? | |
| Loose morally. | ||
| If you are okay with doing sexual things for money, if you can get a lot of money out of a gentleman, that's the kind of gentleman you would want to get, because that guy could give you a million dollars and he wouldn't even notice it. | ||
| Doesn't even think about it. | ||
| Some of these guys will put you up in an apartment just for when they're back in town. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| It's also super baller, right? | ||
| Super baller. | ||
| Three cars flying in on a plane. | ||
| He's getting his feet done the entire time. | ||
| Smoking a vape pen with sunglasses on. | ||
| He's getting a pedicure on the plane. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And just setting it up. | ||
| He's got a phone on the plane. | ||
| You can have phones on planes. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| We used to always have phones on planes. | ||
| Did we? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| You could use it. | ||
| It cost $100 or something ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| You can call people. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| It was in between your seats. | ||
| It was super common. | ||
| He's calling three people in Hollywood. | ||
| That's all he's got to do. | ||
| One gets the bitches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One gets his place prepped. | ||
| And it's all set up for him. | ||
| He just shows up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They tell him which cool bar he's got to go to, which restaurant. | ||
| He's tipping everybody $100 bills. | ||
| He probably has a nickname for himself, like the Raptor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Calls people up. | ||
| The raptor is in the air. | ||
| Prepare yourself. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Oh my god, I called this guy. | ||
| This is the guy I called. | ||
| He's got a gold and... | ||
| What kind of gun is that? | ||
| It says, Rich Kids of Dubai. | ||
| So this kid's got some gold-plated automatic rifle. | ||
| He's sucking on, is that a vape pen or a hookah? | ||
| Looks like a hookah. | ||
| That's the hookah. | ||
| The gun is the hookah? | ||
| Oh my god, you're right. | ||
| Oh, so it's not a real gun. | ||
| Of course it's not. | ||
| So that's his hookah, and he's on a plane. | ||
| So he's smoking a hookah on a plane, or is that a limo? | ||
| It's a limo. | ||
| That's a car door next to his leg. | ||
| I thought it was an actual plane. | ||
| But I mean, that's him. | ||
| Wait, you talk to him? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I make this guy up, and he's real. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I made him up, but he exists. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Rich Kids of Dubai. | ||
| I didn't know that that was an Instagram page. | ||
| It's not a super popular. | ||
| It's the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills or whatever. | ||
| What's that watch worth? | ||
| I don't know if watches that well. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| You'd have to talk to someone who understands them. | ||
| Because that's another big contest, I'm sure, is what your watch is worth. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a big thing with those types of gentlemen. | ||
| And what kind of car you have. | ||
| What year your car is. | ||
| I wonder what the most sought after woman is among those guys. | ||
| Whites. | ||
| Blonde, white. | ||
| Blonde, whites. | ||
| Trumpy looking girls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like maybe they'll really turn out a Kansas girl. | ||
| Like Daisy Dukes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cowboy hat and one of those flannel shirts that ties in a knot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's got boots and he pulls his bigotty Veyron to some Texas gas station right when she's buying worms because she's fixing to go fishing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's like, what, you catch your own fish? | ||
| I have plenty of fish. | ||
| Come, my yacht. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| How many of them speak English? | ||
| And how many of them are Russian? | ||
| I need answers. | ||
| I need answers. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| These guys ballin'. | ||
| Don't hate. | ||
| Jamie, you hatin'? | ||
| A lot of hating on there. | ||
| Just whores. | ||
| Bunch of mucky sluts. | ||
| I love guys that write stuff like that. | ||
| Like, you would kill to hug one of those girls. | ||
| How about this dirty bitch? | ||
| I want to join you ladies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, folks? | ||
| It takes every kind of people. | ||
| That was a song, wasn't it? | ||
| It takes every kind of people. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What are you just pulling out? | ||
| That was the girl who wanted to join. | ||
| Oh, well, don't be mean. | ||
| Go onto her page. | ||
| Don't blow her up. | ||
| She's a freak. | ||
| You can't stop freaks. | ||
| Yeah, that's a whole thing, those clubs that entertain those types of people. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They have to change that. | ||
| It's always got a new name every three years. | ||
| It's always like one word, utopia or whatever. | ||
| And they have to do multi-million dollar renovations. | ||
| Have to. | ||
| Or else people stop going there. | ||
| Yeah, and it's a known strategy. | ||
| But people are like, you know, Cockfest is opening. | ||
| It's opening next week. | ||
| You coming? | ||
| Cockfest. | ||
| Is that at Aria? | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| You know, DJ Fuckface is there. | ||
| DJ Fuckface left the trap? | ||
| Yeah, he's done with them. | ||
| They fucked him. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| They scratched one of his records. | ||
| How much molly do you want? | ||
| They're, like, essentially, like, if Vegas had, like, a test, where you could test people for ecstasy, and if they failed, you wouldn't let them in the club, there'd be no one in their fucking clubs. | ||
| Like, it is a weird thing. | ||
| There's a lot of drinking, for sure, but the amount of people that are going to see those crazy DJ shows that they have in Vegas and probably mollying up out of their mind, probably, Jamie, what would you ask? | ||
| You're a young man. | ||
| What would you say? | ||
| How many people that are going to see these Vegas musical shows are doing ecstasy? | ||
| 80 to 90 percent. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Not all of them, because there's people that don't, and they just want to do it, but almost all. | ||
| 80 to 90 percent, son. | ||
| That shit fucks up your head, doesn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Molly? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I heard you crash the next day really hard because your brain has been just soaked in... | ||
| What are the chemicals you get soaked in? | ||
| You get dopamine, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dopamine. | |
| Then you get withdrawal from it, right, the next day? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| XS Las Vegas unveils $10 million makeover. | ||
| Holy shit, look at that place. | ||
| That's like the Ice Palace in Frozen. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can't hold me back anymore. | |
| It's like one of those pools where you just stand in, like Ian Edwards' joke. | ||
| You don't swim in that pool. | ||
| That's hilarious, that place. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I did Ecstasy once. | ||
| And I never did it again. | ||
| It fucked me up. | ||
| I had a great time when I was on it, though, and I learned a lot of shit. | ||
| Learned a lot of shit about, like, it just dissolves insecurities. | ||
| Like, they're gone. | ||
| And it, like, gives you, like, an insight into, like, the structure of the building of your personality. | ||
| Like, it takes away the walls. | ||
| And you're like, oh, here's a support frame. | ||
| And this is, like, the doorway that everything goes through. | ||
| Like, oh, okay, I get it. | ||
| So, like, insecurity is all this, like, guard that's, like, constantly on the lookout for your peace of mind and for your... | ||
| Ego. | ||
| Your self-esteem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And for your relaxation. | ||
| Like, I got you covered. | ||
| I got you covered. | ||
| So this thing is, like, this tension is around you all the time. | ||
| And it manifests itself in a bunch of different ways, and one of them is insecurity. | ||
| And when you take that initial ecstasy experience and it dissolves that feeling, you go, oh... | ||
| There's a lot of weird shit that people trip on for no reason. | ||
| And me, weird shit that I would trip on for no reason. | ||
| That makes you wonder, how much time am I wasting with these really poor thoughts? | ||
| How much energy? | ||
| Yeah, so much energy. | ||
| I was thinking the other day, what is it like to work at the National Enquirer? | ||
| When you talk about blowing out massive amounts of energy on nonsense, I was at the counter, I was picking up some fruit, and I went to the supermarket, and I stopped in the line to put my stuff on, and there's this National Enquirer thing that says, I sold coke to Matt Lauer and below it it says Larry King it It says, like, Larry King's wife caught cheating on him. | ||
| And then there was another one. | ||
| There was some other scandal on it, too. | ||
| It was like, this is hilarious. | ||
| You think Larry King gives a fuck if his wife is getting laid? | ||
| He'll probably pay the cab fare. | ||
| You shit me? | ||
| So he doesn't have to disappoint her one night? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You deserve it! | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Poor Larry. | ||
| I saw him on a show recently. | ||
| I think it was like Colbert. | ||
| Remember we were watching it, Jimmy? | ||
| What was that show that we were watching? | ||
| His body looks very strange. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| He's curling, right? | ||
| Well, it's way worse than that. | ||
| It's, um... | ||
| There's something going on where there's no tissue in between his bones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like, when he sits there, he'll, like, sit down. | ||
| Everything just sort of collapses like a folding chair and assumes these weird angles. | ||
| Like, he's sitting there and he's got, like, one arm up. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| Look at that picture right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one, but there was another one when he was on the couch. | ||
| I want to say he was on the couch of the Colbert show. | ||
| I want to say that's what he was doing. | ||
| Um, and it was just fucking strange to look at, like, oh, Larry, like, you gotta lift some weights. | ||
| Like, you gotta do some yoga or something. | ||
| He's old as shit, though, isn't he? | ||
| How much older is he than Stallone? | ||
| Oh, much older. | ||
| How much? | ||
| I gotta think Larry King's 85 years old. | ||
| Hmm, really? | ||
| Stallone is what, 65? | ||
| 70? | ||
| Oh, he's 82. Wow. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| He's worth $1.5 billion. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I didn't know he had that kind of bank. | ||
| Powerful Larry King. | ||
| No wonder why he doesn't care if his wife cheats on him. | ||
| It's like, who gives a fuck? | ||
| I'm over here cumming on money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| He still works. | ||
| He likes it, I guess. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| I saw him in the Sirius building one day. | ||
| I mean, there were not a lot of high-profile shows there, and he's there doing interviews. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's an interesting guy, man. | ||
| That's his wife? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you hit it? | |
| X-rated cheating scale. | ||
| Not if he's involved. | ||
| Don't go to that page. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You're about to click, you little gossiper. | ||
| Um... | ||
| What I was getting at is that, like, imagine working in a place where that's all you're doing, constantly, like, where is the dirt? | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Well, it's almost like they just take darts and they have two different targets, and one is the person and the other one is the activity. | ||
| Well, also, they're allowed to make shit up. | ||
| All they have to say is, a source told us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all they have to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're protected. | ||
| Source told us, Adam Sandler was shoplifting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tells us that Bette Midler is anorexic. | ||
| And they get sued all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For making shit up. | ||
| Don't fuck with Scientologists, because they come hard. | ||
| Dude, they come hard. | ||
| Well, they went after the Sun-Times in England. | ||
| With the Sun-Times print? | ||
| Well, I think that's Rupert Murdoch's company, that he was gay. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| And Scientology fucking took him deep. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Don't say anything. | ||
| You don't have the pockets to say anything right now. | ||
| It's just so funny. | ||
| We should write a paper like that. | ||
| Just about comedians, though. | ||
| How so? | ||
| Just dirt on comedians. | ||
| Just make shit up. | ||
| Make shit up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What would we call it? | ||
| Comedy Inquirer? | ||
| Just rip them off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You kind of find the link to the article, but when you click on it, it's gone. | ||
| Lawsuit claims. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| Which article? | ||
| The Scientologists even took down articles about the lawsuit. | ||
| It's off the Sun-Times website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Well, they probably sued the shit out of somebody. | ||
| How about the, uh, what's that, um, Gawker went out of business because of that one lawsuit. | ||
| Because of Bubba the Love Sponge. | ||
| Yeah, because of, uh, Hulk Hogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Banged his wife. | ||
| But one lawsuit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking, I mean, that was a big industry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One lawsuit took him down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't they get hit for over a hundred million bucks? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Just because they showed his cock? | ||
| 140 million. | ||
| Was it a video? | ||
| It was a video, right? | ||
| It was a video, but they put up brand stories about it. | ||
| Well, where'd the video come from? | ||
| There was also some really defiant statements. | ||
| Someone asked him about underage girls. | ||
| Wasn't there a question like that? | ||
| I think he said something about black guys or something. | ||
| Hulk Hogan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not that. | ||
| That was something else. | ||
| That was a different thing. | ||
| What I'm talking about is what they asked him, like, at what age would you not release that video? | ||
| Yeah, the guy who got sued, the Gawker guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They asked him something and he gave this really defiant response. | ||
| You know, like, I put it up. | ||
| I put it up. | ||
| I definitely put it up. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| But I remember listening to it, like, ooh, they're going to get this guy. | ||
| You can't just do that. | ||
| You can't even say you put an underage sex tape up. | ||
| People are like, oh, you're just out of control. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, he's down. | ||
| And then they sued him personally, too. | ||
| Hulk Hogan sued him personally for like $35 million, and then sued Gawker for like $100 and whatever million. | ||
| And then Bubba sued also. | ||
| Imagine Bubba the Love Sponge coming after you. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I'll give you whatever you want right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever done his show? | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I did his show one time, and I walk in, and I just come in on a red eye. | ||
| And I walk into the studio, and it's out in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| It's like in the fucking brambles. | ||
| And you go in, it's like a shack. | ||
| And you walk in, and there's some PAs, and they're smoking a joint. | ||
| They get me high. | ||
| Everybody's drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. | ||
| There's a midget on the couch, little person on the couch, who's pissed himself. | ||
| And I go inside. | ||
| It was like training day. | ||
| I go inside and Bubba pulls out a 12-gauge handgun. | ||
| An Israeli handgun. | ||
| And he starts waving it around and everybody fucking runs out of the studio. | ||
| I go, you're just fucking around, right? | ||
| And then everybody runs. | ||
| I was like, maybe he's not fucking around. | ||
| And he had a stripper or a whore in a van who drove up to this corporate offices center, and she was giving guys handjobs for free. | ||
| But they were playing the audio live on the air. | ||
| Guys in suits and briefcases getting handies in a sweaty windowless van. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Ha ha ha ha ha. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| He's the best! | ||
| Later asked by an attorney for Hogan if there was a situation in which a celebrity tape might not be newsworthy. | ||
| DeLario responded, if they were a child. | ||
| The attorney then asked him to specify a child or under what age. | ||
| DeLario responded, four. | ||
| No! | ||
| Cases are won and lost on shit like that. | ||
| It wasn't about Hulk. | ||
| I didn't think it was that young. | ||
| I thought he was talking about a 14 year old. | ||
| My brain was probably so disturbed by that, I turned it into 14. That is disturbing. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| He's probably on coke. | ||
| Let the guy go. | ||
| He's probably doing antidepressants, lots of cocaine, running a thing like Gawker. | ||
| You gotta be wired up. | ||
| Gotta be on edge. | ||
| Yeah, it's like that guy who used to do the Spring Break videos. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| Spring Break videos. | ||
| Girls Gone Wild. | ||
| Remember, he was fucking wired, too. | ||
| Same kind of an operation. | ||
| Just couldn't stop, couldn't get enough, couldn't say fuck you to the press and the public enough. | ||
| He was a renegade. | ||
| Well, that guy was kidnapped in his house. | ||
| Like, his house was broken into, and he got raped. | ||
| Like, a guy raped him with a dildo. | ||
| Because he had videotaped his girlfriend or something? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| I think I heard it was his sister. | ||
| What? | ||
| I think I heard it was his sister they got. | ||
| They, like, sodomized the guy and made him say some shit on video. | ||
| So he did something to this guy's sister? | ||
| Is that what he's saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so. | |
| I'll find the story. | ||
| Of course that's going to happen. | ||
| You live a life like that, that's going to happen one day. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably going to happen. | ||
| Well, it definitely happened. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Girls Gone Wild. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| There was a moment where that was... | ||
| If you tried to do something like that today, no one would give a fuck. | ||
| You mean the internet? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Girls Gone Wild? | ||
| There's plenty of shit that you could watch that's way more crazy than Girls Gone Wild that you would never have to pay for. | ||
| And you wouldn't have to get releases for it. | ||
| There was a brief window in time. | ||
| A brief window where you could just run through. | ||
| And that guy ran through and sold videos that you could buy late night on a website. | ||
| Girls gone wild. | ||
| And you would watch these videos and people would pay for them. | ||
| I mean, I can remember jerking off to the commercials. | ||
| They were so good. | ||
| Guy broke into his house, pulled his pants down, strategically placed a dildo in his ass. | ||
| Strategically? | ||
| I don't think there's a strategy involved, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are really loosely using the word strategy. | |
| Ha ha ha! | ||
| Well, I've got a diagram, and there's a theory, Einstein's theory. | ||
| Whoa, they found the guy? | ||
| It says the masked man who later turned out to be sexy in... | ||
| Why isn't sexy? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Sexy Hollywood con man Darnell Riley then tried to blackmail Francis for up to $500,000 for the tape, and he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for Paris Hilton, who was also being blackmailed by Riley. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| She was an idiot who befriended him, and he introduced him... | ||
| And introduced him to a social circle to begin with. | ||
| With Paris' help, police were able to arrest Riley, who copped a plea and is currently serving eight years in prison for robbery and extortion. | ||
| The irony is that he'll probably be a free man in a few years, while Francis will likely be serving a term on tax evasion charges. | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| This is 2008. He's not in jail for that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So this guy's out too then for eight years. | ||
| I wonder if some guys were strategically putting dicks in his ass. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Strategically. | ||
| Why do you say this guy is... | ||
| The whole thing is weird. | ||
| So they met a con man. | ||
| The con man found out where Joe Francis lived and fucked him in the ass with a dildo. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Speaking of Florida, can I plug my dates this weekend? | ||
| I like how you did it. | ||
| Yeah, please do. | ||
| We were talking before the show. | ||
| Is this week you're doing the improv in Fort Lauderdale? | ||
| It's a great room. | ||
| It's a great room, the 8th through the 10th of September. | ||
| I'll be down there. | ||
| Fun room. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's rowdy. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fun gig. | ||
| I'm not a big fan of casinos. | ||
| No. | ||
| We've talked about that before the show started, like the Indian casinos, Native American casinos. | ||
| They're dark. | ||
| There's something bizarre about them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when you gotta walk through that every night to get to the show, you show up with a weird vibe. | ||
| You've absorbed a lot of different energies walking through that room. | ||
| I stayed at the Hard Rock last time I was in Orlando, and this couple next to me was fucking the shit out of each other. | ||
| You could hear it? | ||
| Oh, it was great. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| This guy was laying some pipe. | ||
| I wish I met him in the hallway. | ||
| I'd give him knuckles. | ||
| Yeah, but what if the door opened and he came out? | ||
| Oh, he's trying to fuck me, too? | ||
| And then another dude came out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's trying to fuck me, too? | |
| He's like, I'm here to fuck you, too. | ||
| I'm here to fuck. | ||
| She's done. | ||
| No, like, he was pounding it, like, bam, bam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she's like, oh, fuck me, baby. | ||
| Oh, fuck me, baby. | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was going on for quite a while, so I was like, this guy is really laying some pipe. | ||
| That's fucking great. | ||
| Yeah, he definitely took vitamins. | ||
| He was definitely in shape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was pounding her for a while. | ||
| But I was like, there's something about that. | ||
| Well, you ever have a cat? | ||
| Cats will, like, hide under a couch, but their tail's hanging out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, bitch, I see you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| While you pretend you're hiding. | ||
| When someone's fucking in a hotel like that, yeah, alright, no one's around. | ||
| No, everybody can hear you. | ||
| Everybody can hear everything you say. | ||
| Everybody can hear you. | ||
| You're basically broadcasting to the people above you, below you, and to each side. | ||
| I've stood outside doors. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I have. | ||
| I've walked next door and stood right outside the door. | ||
| Yeah, just listen. | ||
| You get the double door, connecting rooms, and you open your door. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get a glass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Put your pants down. | ||
| Also, Cleveland, the 8th through the 10th of September. | ||
| So what day is this Hollywood Improv date again? | ||
| That's going to be the 1st through the 4th of September. | ||
| That's this weekend, Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Who are you working with? | ||
| A couple of white guys, if it's Florida, I would imagine. | ||
| Oh, do you know the guys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
White guys. | |
| Should be the title of your new special, White People in Florida. | ||
| Cleveland, September 8th through the 10th at Hilarity's. | ||
| Good gig? | ||
| Good gig. | ||
| Good restaurant. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nick Costas runs the place. | ||
| He makes the best, probably best food of any comedy club in the country. | ||
| That's strong words. | ||
| Where else do you think there's good food? | ||
| Mike Lacey's Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's good. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| It's like a great restaurant. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Flappers? | ||
| What about Flappers? | ||
| I haven't eaten at Flappers. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I did. | ||
| No, I ate at Flappers once. | ||
| Yeah, Flappers is really good, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few places. | ||
| Remember when the Improv tried to do a barbecue joint? | ||
| They tried to have, like, fake fucking... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Fake old Westy shit in the front. | ||
| They called it the Roadhouse. | ||
| Yeah, they had, like, rusty saws on the wall and stuff. | ||
| That's like, where'd this theme come from? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What corporate meeting dreamed up this idea? | ||
| I know this isn't a farm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Am I retarded? | ||
| I'll just put some hay in the corner. | ||
| I think you just wrapped back with the hay field. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just feeding the cow and I came in with some fresh barbecue. | |
| Who's in? | ||
| Make sure the waitresses take one side of that overall off the shoulder. | ||
| Popper's drunk at the bar. | ||
| You're like, Gene, what are you doing in the Wild West? | ||
| What are you doing out here with the cowpokes and our barbecued sandwiches and our fancy old western bar? | ||
| Look! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This board's weathered! | |
| There's some old shitty wood. | ||
| There's a little hitching post out front. | ||
| Yeah, you show up with some shoes that were professionally scuffed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You brought them to these poor immigrant children, and they just threw rocks at your shoes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Go play soccer in these for an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Until they look like you're a man of the world. | |
| A worldly man. | ||
| Then don't forget... | ||
| Calgary. | ||
| You like Calgary? | ||
| Alberta. | ||
| Fucking love it up there. | ||
| September 22 through 24 at Yuck Yucks. | ||
| Oh, good gig. | ||
| Oh, shit, yeah. | ||
| That's a good gig. | ||
| Calgary's fun. | ||
| Podcast Festival on the 25th. | ||
| Oh, there's a festival up there? | ||
| No, this is going to be back in L.A. Oh. | ||
| On September 25th. | ||
| That'll do it. | ||
| I like how you did that. | ||
| You went Podcast Festival. | ||
| It's confusing. | ||
| It gives them the thinking. | ||
| Like, is this in Cleveland, too? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you say, in L.A. You're like, oh, now I have to rethink everything. | ||
| Oh, it's in L.A. I try to take people on my journey. | ||
| Here's what my life is going to be for the next 30 days. | ||
| It's going to be lonely. | ||
| It's going to be lonely. | ||
| You should bring guys on the road with you. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, actually, Cleveland I am. | |
| J.F. Harris is opening for me in Cleveland. | ||
| That'll be great. | ||
| You know that guy? | ||
| J.F. Harris. | ||
| I probably have met him. | ||
| Yeah, good guy. | ||
| Good guy. | ||
| Is he a improv guy? | ||
| Good fucking comic. | ||
| No, he just moved here. | ||
| From where? | ||
| He was living in the Midwest. | ||
| I can't remember which city he was in. | ||
| There's so many new guys here now. | ||
| There's like a guy, you see someone a couple of times like, ah, that dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Hey, what's up? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I know you. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Like you've worked with them on the road? | ||
| Or no, you've seen them at the improv. | ||
| There's always new people now. | ||
| The comedy business, as far as the amount of comics, I don't think there's ever been more of us. | ||
| No. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Wouldn't you think? | ||
| Well, there's a ton of rooms. | ||
| There's a lot more people making a living at it, that's for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which means there's more people in Toronto. | ||
| Plus, you've got that whole... | ||
| UCB mechanism that creates comedy by making classes of people learn comedy. | ||
| And then they all start going out to the clubs in massive waves like fucking crabs running into the ocean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sea turtles. | |
| Yeah, there's a lot that escape. | ||
| And they don't have real commitment. | ||
| They just are doing it because they've blocked out this time before they get a sitcom writing job or before they go into auditioning for movies. | ||
| There's just this period that they're going to do stand-up. | ||
| There's a thing that drives real comics crazy, and it's that. | ||
| Guys like you, guys like... | ||
| Maren brings that shit up. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that get real upset. | ||
| Like people with ulterior motives that also do stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like stand-up is this sacred thing that must... | ||
| You must commit yourself only to this art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it's some dark art. | ||
| Like, yeah, they're going to try it out for a while, and then they're going to move on to other things, those fucking losers. | ||
| It's like I'm a middle-aged woman in a bar, some honky-tonk, and guys use me a lot. | ||
| I just want to meet a husband. | ||
| I just want to meet a good man, and I just don't know why. | ||
| I keep winding up with fellers like you coming in my mouth. | ||
| This is just not what I wanted. | ||
| It's not what I wanted. | ||
| I know it's what happened. | ||
| I pull my head off when you jam it back down. | ||
| I just want love. | ||
| I'll give the head, but I just want some kids too. | ||
| Oh, it's too late, baby. | ||
| You're 56. No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| There's a woman in Russia. | ||
| She's 64 years old. | ||
| She just had a baby. | ||
| She had her first baby, naturally. | ||
| Natural childbirth through the Lord, and she drank a lot of kefir. | ||
| You ever heard of that? | ||
| It's a culture. | ||
| It's like a yogurt. | ||
| It's real good for your digestive system. | ||
| Makes you ripe as a peach. | ||
| Baby, I know I got three or four eggs left. | ||
| I had a period last summer. | ||
| Meanwhile, it was a hemorrhage. | ||
| It's a blood clot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A cyst burst. | |
| Just a polyp. | ||
| It wasn't a period, it was a polyp. | ||
| Just a deep hemorrhoid that leaked from her asshole into her vagina through the wall. | ||
| It's such a heavy flow. | ||
| It's just pouring out of her asshole. | ||
| She's sticking tampons in. | ||
| Some residual, some of it. | ||
| I swear, this came out of my vagina. | ||
| I've been feeling cranky. | ||
| I'm heavier than ever. | ||
| Look how moody I am. | ||
| Look how bloated I am. | ||
| Yeah, because you just passed the fucking part of your spleen. | ||
| I had my period. | ||
| It just came through my butt. | ||
| I used to date this fella, and he had a hook-like dick, and I think he wore a hole in the wall of my vagina with his hooked dick, and that is where the blood... | ||
| He pierced me. | ||
| My vagina blood's just not coming out of my vagina, but I'm definitely having my period. | ||
| Yeah, sure I took it in the ass last night real hard, but that's not why I'm bleeding. | ||
| That was my choice. | ||
| It's that time of my month. | ||
| I just felt like, give him a treat. | ||
| What about she punctures herself so she can show him that she's bleeding? | ||
| No, look! | ||
| She's got pliers up there 10 minutes before. | ||
| Did you see that video of that woman? | ||
| She was suing her ex-fiance, some billionaire character, and they got video of her beating the shit out of herself on the bed. | ||
| No! | ||
| He put surveillance cameras in the bedroom. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| She's wailing on her own face in the bed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, wailing on herself. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Screaming and kicking. | |
| Wait, and who was the guy? | ||
| Some rich guy. | ||
| He was breaking it off with her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, oh yeah, motherfucker. | |
| Well, what do you think? | ||
| Did you talk to Stanhope about that whole thing with... | ||
| Yeah, I did, but honestly... | ||
| What's your take on that? | ||
| He wasn't there. | ||
| Stanhope, he wasn't there when it all went down. | ||
| If he ever did really whack that chick in the head, I don't know if he did. | ||
| I wasn't there. | ||
| Look at this girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Show it again, Jamie. | ||
| But just show the beginning because the beginning is ridiculous. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| She's insane. | ||
| And then she starts throwing these tantrums and then doing it again. | ||
| And she does it a bunch of times. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She just keeps wailing on her own face. | ||
| And screaming and yelling. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| That is a woman out of control! | ||
| And there's no one there. | ||
| She's doing that shit by herself. | ||
| Oh, she's making noise so the neighbors will hear it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if she's doing that. | ||
| That's actually a smart move. | ||
| You open up all the windows. | ||
| Do it so the neighbors can hear it. | ||
| Beat the shit out of yourself. | ||
| The neighbors call the cops. | ||
| You come out. | ||
| He left. | ||
| He just left five minutes ago. | ||
| He just messed up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Meanwhile, he had surveillance cameras. | ||
| You get to see darkness sometimes and things like that. | ||
| Ooh, that's dark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| I beat myself up in jail once. | ||
| I got arrested for fighting. | ||
| And the cops were being fucking assholes and they wouldn't give me any food. | ||
| And then he reached in and he grabbed my hair because I was yelling at him. | ||
| And he bashed my head against the wall a couple times. | ||
| And I wasn't bleeding. | ||
| So then I punched myself in the side of the mouth and I made myself bleed. | ||
| And I got out and they just checked me out. | ||
| Nobody cared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There wasn't a big investigation. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They just felt bad. | ||
| I like put it on my shirt. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| Like 16. You clever fella. | ||
| Listen, there's a way to make this better. | ||
| I see an opening. | ||
| I'm gonna take it. | ||
| I'm gonna take the whole police force down. | ||
| Hey, he grabbed my fucking head. | ||
| I just can't prove it. | ||
| I feel justified in my embellishment. | ||
| I bet there weren't cameras back then. | ||
| The cameras they did have, they'd just draw with crayons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were terrible. | ||
| Looks like a sonogram. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, any surveillance system from the 1980s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What kind of shit film was that? | ||
| You ever look at a VHS tape from the 1980s? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Oh, you remember that movie, Jamie? | ||
| That VHS movie? | ||
| That horror movie that people told me about that's awesome? | ||
| You ever see that movie? | ||
| VHS? It's like found footage. | ||
| Like, look what we found. | ||
| Not the something witch project? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Blair Witch Project? | ||
| No, it's like that. | ||
| But VHS is just a horror movie. | ||
| But it has this one segment of it. | ||
| There's like three or four segments? | ||
| How many segments? | ||
| There's one segment where there's this girl, and she plays this demon that really loves this guy, and she's kind of hot, and she meets this guy at a bar, and she's just really strange, and they get back to an apartment, and they're all drinking, and this guy starts banging her, and she turns into this demon and kills them all. | ||
| It's fucking wild. | ||
| And they've decided to make a whole movie. | ||
| It's the best part of the series, the VHS series by far. | ||
| So they decided to make a whole movie of it, of this one character. | ||
| Apparently it's out. | ||
| Isn't it called like Sirens or something like that? | ||
| Sirens was an Australian movie. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch of those Sirens movies, but I think this movie is called like Siren. | ||
| It might be Siren, and it might be on Netflix. | ||
| I can't imagine... | ||
| A deeper emotional change than fucking a girl and having her turn into a monster that's killing you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's so well done, too. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| One second, you're vulnerable, and you're feeling confident. | ||
| Sex is being in control, isn't it? | ||
| You're fucking, you're making her feel a certain way, and then all of a sudden the fangs come out, and your dick shrinks. | ||
| You gotta get out of there. | ||
| Well, that's part of the problem. | ||
| She fucks this guy, and she's fucking him, but she kills all his friends, but she likes him, and she keeps saying, I like you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like you. | |
| She goes to suck his dick, and his dick is soft, and she gets upset. | ||
| And she's covered in blood. | ||
| She's covered in blood. | ||
| She's got giant teeth. | ||
| Her head is grown. | ||
| So her forehead is split down the middle. | ||
| Her skin is split down the middle. | ||
| Because her head is grown. | ||
| And she's got all these teeth. | ||
| And she's sucking his cock with his blood caked all over her face. | ||
| She's like, I like it. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And she's like upset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why aren't you hard? | |
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Is it like porn? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You don't see it. | ||
| It's like from his perspective. | ||
| He has like glasses on where he can see it. | ||
| Siren clip goes on the run and attacks. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's the movie. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| But just VHS? Who directed it? | ||
| Releases in theaters December 2nd, 2016. David Bruckner. | ||
| Video On Demand 2. Okay, so it's going to be On Demand December 2nd. | ||
| I hope it's good. | ||
| Play a little clip of it. | ||
| See if you can find a little clip of the scene in VHS. No, not this one. | ||
| In the original one. | ||
| In the original scene where the girl's like, I like you. | ||
| There's like a clip of it. | ||
| There's like a trailer of it. | ||
| So this was a... | ||
| Did it get released or went straight to video? | ||
| It got released, but the rest of the movie wasn't good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like this one part is really scary and fucked up and like wild. | ||
| And it gives you all these feelings. | ||
| You're like, ah! | ||
| And it lasts for 20 minutes. | ||
| Or maybe a half an hour at the most. | ||
| But this is her. | ||
| Like, play it for her so you can hear it. | ||
| It was really creepy before she turned into a... | ||
| I like you. | ||
| Oh, it's just that that's it? | ||
| She kept doing that to him. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, I like you too. | ||
| She's like, I like you. | ||
| And then as they got alone together and then with all their friends and everyone's drinking, then when she turns into this demon and kills them all, it's fucking horrific because it's all seen from the first person perspective. | ||
| It's all seen from this guy's eyeglasses that he's wearing. | ||
| He's wearing these videos. | ||
| That's her. | ||
| That's her when she's sucking his dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| He's freaking the fuck out. | ||
| It was so good! | ||
| It was so scary. | ||
| You know, demons seem stupid. | ||
| It seems really stupid that something can turn into that. | ||
| But look. | ||
| How bizarre is a black widow? | ||
| How bizarre is a spider that eats her mate? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How bizarre is a lot of nature that's absolutely real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of weird shit out there in nature. | ||
| Things change. | ||
| They morph. | ||
| They become a different thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If there was just a small percentage of women, then when you fucked them, they became demons. | ||
| And you don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| You don't know until you get them hot. | ||
| And they're out there on the dance floor and they're fucking really shaking it because they can't wait to become a demon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, they're really trying to draw you in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like you. | |
| I like you. | ||
| And you're like, dude, I'm telling you, man. | ||
| No, she's Puerto Rican. | ||
| She doesn't speak English. | ||
| Bro, that's a demon. | ||
| I'm telling you, that's a demon. | ||
| There hasn't been a demon in six weeks. | ||
| There's no demons, bro. | ||
| You gotta take the chance. | ||
| Would people still fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Would guys still get drunk and take random women home that say, I like you? | ||
| There would be girls that would pretend to be demons so they can get guys. | ||
| It'd be like, you know, I've heard that some gay guys become bug catchers or bug chasers where they try to get HIV. No shit. | ||
| You never heard of that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, it was like a real phenomenon in the gay community where like reckless gay single guys would actively try to get HIV for fun. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And obviously this is not representative of the entire gay community and I'm not being in any way discriminatory. | ||
| What I'm saying is that these are real people that actually did this because people vary. | ||
| People are nuts. | ||
| Well, if there was a demon, if there was just one small percentage of the population, it's less than 1% of 1%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you meet a thousand people, one of them's a demon. | ||
| What are the odds? | ||
| I dated a girl whose boyfriend died of AIDS. Oh, same thing. | ||
| Used condoms. | ||
| Demon? | ||
| AIDS? Same thing. | ||
| You used condoms because he died of AIDS? Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Like, she might have caught it from him? | ||
| Well... | ||
| Did you get nervous? | ||
| No. | ||
| Didn't think about it. | ||
| When you think about it, getting AIDS or getting Ebola or syphilis is a lot like having a demon in you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like this thing. | ||
| It's a living thing you're hosting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This entity that's trying to consume you. | |
| You have too much energy, Craig. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| It's not going to suck your dick and bite your balls off, but it's just going to just slowly... | ||
| But you invited it in. | ||
| Slowly invited it in through a pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Got a little drunk. | ||
| She had cute feet. | ||
| Little golden brown ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Next thing you know. | ||
| And then you go to pee. | ||
| What the fuck's going on? | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is my dick It's just nothing. | |
| It's nothing. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| She looked fine. | ||
| She didn't look sick. | ||
| Don't be paranoid, man. | ||
| Then you go to work for a couple days. | ||
| Why am I sweating? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Am I sweating? | |
| Is it hot in here? | ||
| Is it hot in here? | ||
| No, it's freezing. | ||
| This office is freezing. | ||
| I feel hot. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Am I okay? | ||
| I think I'm okay. | ||
| God, I'm so tired. | ||
| Let me check my voicemail. | ||
| I'm so tired. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Voicemail. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| Just slowly but surely, that thing eats your body away. | ||
| Isn't that how Al Capone died? | ||
| He died from syphilis. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| I believe so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
From... | |
| Who's there? | ||
| How did everybody not die from VD? You know, like, you watch Game of Thrones or any of these things, and it just reminds you of, like, back then, nobody used a condom. | ||
| God. | ||
| And they went to whorehouses constantly. | ||
| What kind of gangy, gamey, pussy smell, pussy-asshole combo smell did people have back then? | ||
| No running water. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Al Capone spent the last year of his Alcatraz sentence, which had been reduced to six years and five months for a combination of good behavior and work credits, in the hospital section, being treated for syphilis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He was released... | ||
| He slowly deteriorated while staying at his Palm Island estate in Miami on January 25, 1947. He died of cardiac arrest. | ||
| So yeah, syphilis got him. | ||
| You know, that's a slow demon. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Syphilis? | ||
| But it's a demon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's not gonna talk to you, it doesn't come from hell, but it comes from here and it does the same job. | ||
| It just takes a different form that's not as terrifying to us for some reason. | ||
| But if as many people died from demons as died from the flu, we'd be shitting our pants every day. | ||
| Like, thousands of people in this country die from the flu. | ||
| Nobody's out there freaking out. | ||
| Like, imagine if you go to CVS and get an anti-demon shot. | ||
| Because the same amount of people, the same amount of people who died from the flu died of demons. | ||
| So they'd have like garlic rings at the store, you have to go and throw them on, and there's crosses everywhere you go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We would be in a state of terror if demons killed as many people as colds do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's all through sex. | ||
| That is. | ||
| With the cold, you didn't even get laid. | ||
| You just caught something on a subway. | ||
| Well, yeah, I mean, what percent... | ||
| Okay, let's take a guess here. | ||
| How many people ever, like over the course of human history, have died from VD? How many millions of people? | ||
| Millions. | ||
| Hundred million? | ||
| Hundred million. | ||
| I think you're probably right. | ||
| Let's say a hundred million people have died from venereal disease worldwide. | ||
| How many people do you think it is every year? | ||
| How many people does like... | ||
| In a year? | ||
| Syphilis and shit like that kill. | ||
| Well, AIDS is still tearing up the third world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tearing it up. | |
| A million. | ||
| A million worldwide every year. | ||
| That might be high. | ||
| A few hundred thousand. | ||
| It certainly wasn't in the AIDS... I don't have no... | ||
| Honestly, now that I'm saying this, I realize I'm totally talking out of my ass. | ||
| I have no knowledge of what the actual numbers of the AIDS crisis were. | ||
| I had a guy on my podcast a long time ago who is a biology at the University of California, Berkeley, and he does not believe that HIV causes AIDS. And of all the people that I've ever had on my podcast that created more people angry at me and controversy, I just wanted to talk to the guy because I don't understand the argument, and I don't understand how one person can have this point of view that all these other scientists and biologists don't have. | ||
| What the fuck is that guy's name? | ||
| Well, the president of South Africa doesn't believe that HIV causes AIDS. Yeah, his name is Duisberg. | ||
| Duisberg. | ||
| Duisberg. | ||
| He's a German gentleman. | ||
| And what he believed is that it was a combination... | ||
| He said that... | ||
| I'm doing a shitty job paraphrasing it, but what he was saying, I know, I clear my throat too much. | ||
| I'm going to stop, America. | ||
| You need one of those buttons. | ||
| A lot of the old radio shows, you have a cough button. | ||
| It's goddamn butter coffee. | ||
| I don't want to admit it, because I love it, but I've got to stop drinking it. | ||
| I should just drink water for podcast. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| It's annoying to me, and I'm clearing my own throat. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| This Dewsburg fella thought that it was a good idea to tell everybody that HIV was actually a weak virus and that it was a symptom of a deteriorated immune system rather than the cause of a deteriorated immune system. | ||
| And he believed that the cause of the deteriorated immune system was a bunch of different recreational drugs that these guys would take and that there's a disproportionate amount of these men From these areas, these parts of town where they were doing a lot of drugs and having a lot of sex. | ||
| Amyl nitrate and crystal meth and all this different stuff, which is apparently, amyl nitrate in particular, all that stuff is apparently devastating to your immune system. | ||
| And so it was his belief that the HIV aspect of it was just a symptom of a disease. | ||
| Deteriorated immune system from drugs and that they were saying that that caused it. | ||
| But how the fuck can you sneak that by all these different scientists? | ||
| It just doesn't make sense. | ||
| I obviously don't understand the argument. | ||
| And he is a tenured professor at the University of California, Berkeley. | ||
| And apparently he's made great strides in cancer research. | ||
| He's actually a very, very intelligent guy. | ||
| But when one guy has like a theory like this and everybody else is like, fuck you. | ||
| Like there's gotta be, it just doesn't seem like it could be possible that he's right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| But it doesn't make sense to me that one guy has figured this out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, when I had him on, man, people got so angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got so angry. | ||
| That's a perfect guest. | ||
| They're like, blood is on your hands. | ||
| I'm like, well... | ||
| No, he's a tenured professor at an Ivy League school. | ||
| I think you can bring him on. | ||
| I got news for you. | ||
| If you take it in the ass because of this podcast, you're going to take it in the ass anyway. | ||
| So don't you fucking tell me there's blood on my hands. | ||
| Yeah, you were looking for a fucking reason. | ||
| You already had amyl nitrate in your hand. | ||
| You were ready. | ||
| There is no way I am swaying your decision to get buttfucked without a condom. | ||
| I am not. | ||
| You take responsibility for your own actions, you son of a bee. | ||
| You're standing in the gay woods. | ||
| Come on, folks. | ||
| Listen to the podcast on earbuds. | ||
| How ridiculous is that idea? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wanted to know. | ||
| I mean, someone said that you should do it with a qualified medical professional so that you could have someone to counter access claims. | ||
| That is a very good point, and one I probably should have taken into consideration, and I probably would try to do that today. | ||
| But back then, this is many years ago when I was doing the podcast, I couldn't believe the guy even wanted to talk to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I was like, this is going to be great. | ||
| I always wanted to know what this fucking crazy dude believes. | ||
| Because everybody would always tell you, dude, you've read Dewsburg? | ||
| He had a thing in Spin Magazine. | ||
| HIV doesn't even cause AIDS, bro. | ||
| It was like this article in Spin Magazine I read, which was, wasn't that the penthouse guy? | ||
| Didn't he have something to do with Spin Magazine? | ||
| Larry Flint? | ||
| No, that's Hustler. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anyway, there was this article in it about Duisburg, about HIV, and I remember reading it going, is this even possible? | ||
| Is it possible? | ||
| Those things are really sketchy and dangerous for people like you or I who doesn't know jack shit about the human body. | ||
| But how much do you know about diseases? | ||
| Very little. | ||
| I know I got gonorrhea once. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was in my mom's car and I went to this club, went to this nightclub and I saw the classic fucking move out of a movie, out of a John Hughes movie. | ||
| I see a guy hitting on a girl and he's really annoying her. | ||
| So I walk up and I go, excuse me, do you mind if I talk to my girlfriend? | ||
| And the guy kind of just nods and walks away. | ||
| And she looks at me like a fucking halo comes over my head. | ||
| Half hour later, I'm fucking her in the back of my mom's Buick. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Real, like, too sexual, like she was more into it than I was, almost. | ||
| So then I go home that night, I sleep maybe three hours, and then I get up the next morning to go caddy. | ||
| And I'm out on the course, and I mean, it's that fast. | ||
| By noon, I got a burning sensation. | ||
| I stopped at the 9th old shack to take a piss, and it was like acid coming out of my penis. | ||
| And I got in. | ||
| I had a fever of like 103. I had green muck in my underwear. | ||
| And I went to the hospital. | ||
| And they diagnosed it immediately. | ||
| They're like, you got gonorrhea. | ||
| You got the clap, buddy. | ||
| Gave me a huge shot of penicillin in the ass. | ||
| And it went away. | ||
| Just went home and slept. | ||
| Woke up. | ||
| Was gone. | ||
| But then the girl who worked in medical records at the hospital lived in town. | ||
| She was my age. | ||
| Fucking told everybody I had gonorrhea. | ||
| I couldn't get laid for like a year. | ||
| that bitch she cockblocked me for a year In all fairness, though, you would have done the same thing. | ||
| You only gotta tell one person. | ||
| If you found out that she had gonorrhea, you'd fucking tell everybody. | ||
| Girls wouldn't even make out with me. | ||
| I was like fucking persona non grata. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Any reason to keep away from you when you're young, kids are ruthless. | ||
| And how they dump and re-gather their relationships back up again. | ||
| God, they're ruthless in how they break up with each other or how they shun one. | ||
| They'll kick one fucking duckling with a limp. | ||
| Pack the shit out of that duck and kick it into the pond. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| They look forward to, like, kicking someone out. | ||
| Don't ever fuck that guy again. | ||
| You don't have to tell me! | ||
| Right. | ||
| And those girls are so vulnerable at that age, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And if you somehow or another work your way back in just to keep it a secret, we have to keep it a secret that we're seeing each other. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you know, after a while, no one's going to care anymore. | ||
| But they care right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They care right now. | ||
| You have to sneak in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She has to go on dates with other guys. | ||
| She goes on dates with other guys and says she feels like shit and she goes home early and then she fucks you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like barely. | ||
| She's wondering why she's doing it. | ||
| She's waiting for one guy to come along that she goes on a date with earlier that's like preferred to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right now you're like barely hanging in there. | ||
| Yeah, you're just a fucking, you're just, you're almost on the bench. | ||
| Gonorrhea boy. | ||
| A fucking disease can change the course of your life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, that could have changed your confidence. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I bet it did for the better. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| I think it made me more cautious about condoms, I'll tell you that. | ||
| That, and I also bet it helped you deal with, like, the inevitable moment on stage where you say things that people don't think is funny and you have to, like, kind of have some personal sovereignty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's a good way to develop personal sovereignty. | ||
| You become an outcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Girls, I don't want to fuck you anymore. | ||
| And you're like, hey, I have a mirror. | ||
| I know I'm not a fucking freak. | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| Like, this is bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it forces you. | ||
| Fight your way back. | ||
| Yeah, you're a handsome little fellow when you were young. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Full head of hair. | ||
| Full head of hair. | ||
| Bright Irish smile. | ||
| Clean dick after a while. | ||
| Shiny. | ||
| Oh, I used to buff it. | ||
| Quick wit? | ||
| He's quick witted. | ||
| He's got a good vocabulary. | ||
| He's a sharp kid that fits Simmons. | ||
| Sharp as a tack. | ||
| Yeah, he's at the Kowloon in Saugus. | ||
| I remember him. | ||
| Uproot one. | ||
| Me and Sully went to see him uproot one. | ||
| He was fucking hilarious. | ||
| You know who I stumbled across a tweet of the other day? | ||
| Larry Rapucci. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably a good tweet. | ||
| Well, I think what it was was I was on Tim McIntyre's Twitter. | ||
| I was searching Tim McIntyre, Boston Comic. | ||
| I was on his Twitter feed for whatever reason. | ||
| I was bored. | ||
| Reading some funny shit that he had and interesting stuff and you know you do that you go on like a little Twitter timeline right thing and I ran across a it looked like a Facebook message from Larry Rapucci who when we were kids when we were starting out Larry was kind of a legendary character and In Boston, he got a full-time gig with Nick's Comedy Stop, where all he worked was Nick's Comedy Stop gigs. | ||
| He was one of those few guys. | ||
| There were a few guys that got that package, remember? | ||
| They gave him like $500 a week, and they would just work him to death. | ||
| But he knew that $500 was coming in every week. | ||
| He never had to worry about work. | ||
| And he was so loose because of it, because he was in. | ||
| They allowed him to do other gigs, too, because I know I did... | ||
| I know I did some other gigs with him, too, that maybe not even Nick's Comedy Stop gigs. | ||
| But for the most part, he worked for them. | ||
| And he was such a character. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a funny dude. | ||
| Had like a mullet and a belly, and he would strip down in a bikini at the end of his act. | ||
| Didn't he have like a regular job, too, for a long time? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Like post office or something. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That place, man. | ||
| I don't want to live there right now. | ||
| I don't want to do that in the winter. | ||
| No. | ||
| Goddamn, it was a fun place to grow up. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| Because if you weren't performing, you were watching good comedy. | ||
| So any night out was a good night out. | ||
| It's amazing, like, as adults, when we're looking back on it, how, like, stupid, like, you literally couldn't ask for a better place. | ||
| We found the best place at the best time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's almost like if you are in some sort of a simulated reality and you wanted to do the dream of struggling but eventually becoming a professional stand-up comic, where do you want to start? | ||
| I want to start out in the golden days of comedy in the 20th century. | ||
| And I want to make a living out of the gate. | ||
| I'm going to drop you off in Boston. | ||
| It's going to be cold. | ||
| The winter's going to give you something to bitch about. | ||
| People have short attention spans. | ||
| They want you to give it to them quick. | ||
| They have very little patience for bullshit. | ||
| You couldn't be indulgent. | ||
| There was no room for indulgent. | ||
| It made you really appreciate attention spans. | ||
| It's fucking freezing outside, dude. | ||
| Get to the point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it was like you were given the opportunity, but then, like, you could get stage time and you could get scene, but to really work, you had to fucking command the stage. | ||
| You had to do your time. | ||
| You had to consistently perform. | ||
| It was like all these things that just made you get your, what is it, 10,000 hours, Malcolm Gladwell says? | ||
| Like, that was us getting our 10,000 hours. | ||
| Yeah, and it's really like, for the most part, it's like 10 years, right? | ||
| Like 10 years before you know what you're doing, really. | ||
| And even then, you're pretty shaky. | ||
| I think Seinfeld said 14. He might be right. | ||
| It's hard to call, but it's just so interesting when you look back. | ||
| You're like, wow, it all sort of played itself out like it was a program. | ||
| It's like if you were a folk musician in the village in 1963. So it smells way better. | ||
| Yeah, and those guys never made any fucking money. | ||
| Yeah, folk musicians, there was a few that broke free, right? | ||
| Like, who's like a big folk musician? | ||
| Joni Mitchell. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Joni Mitchell's a badass bitch. | ||
| She was. | ||
| She was a badass bitch. | ||
| That album, Blue, I would put up against any album in history. | ||
| She had some really creative vocals too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really creative lyrics. | ||
| What a voice, a range. | ||
| Yeah, she's someone that you don't really hear. | ||
| You could be at any given bar at any given night and hear Sweet Home Alabama. | ||
| But what are the odds that you're going to hear, like, Chuckie's in love? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| California. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She had some great songs, man. | ||
| Moody songs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, they command your attention. | ||
| You can't passively listen to Joni Mitchell. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of- They pave paradise, put up a parking lot. | ||
| Great fucking song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a great song. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting, man. | ||
| What we've just seen pass in our lifetimes, the different styles of music and the different eras of music, the 80s era. | ||
| When we were in high school, it was all like Van Halen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was all like poison. | ||
| It was not good. | ||
| But it was hair bands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Def Leppard. | ||
| Foreigner. | ||
| Foreigner! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Feels like the very first time! | |
| Dude, I can name every band member. | ||
| I was so into Foreigner. | ||
| Bad Company. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bad Company and BTO. Bad Company had that song... | ||
| Shooting Star, right? | ||
| That was a song that every kid thought was about them. | ||
| Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. | ||
| Johnny was a schoolboy when he heard his first Beatles song. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love me too, I think it was from there, it didn't take him long. | ||
| And then it's this whole thing about him becoming this rock and roll star and then dying, like, real young. | ||
| Died in his bed. | ||
| There's like four songs that are like that. | ||
| They're about like, you know, here's a story of Chuck and Diane. | ||
| It's always about the Midwestern kids that go out to L.A., and then they break up and she becomes a whore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| John Cougar Mellencamp, man, he had a lot of those kind of songs, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was in Indiana once, which is where he's from, right? | ||
| You would think, god damn, Indiana, John Cougar Mellencamp, it's like if Bruce Springsteen is anywhere in New Jersey, like at a sporting event, and they put a camera on Bruce Springsteen, people are going to go, the fucking boss! | ||
| Yeah, the boss! | ||
| Anywhere he goes, right? | ||
| Not John Cougar Mellencamp, man. | ||
| They didn't like him. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah, he's a liberal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| I had to ask the guy who worked there. | ||
| I go, hey man, why are they booing John Cougar Mellencamp? | ||
| And he's generally thought of as a liberal and like a fake Indiana person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, like he's sold out. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, Indiana's conservative. | ||
| Yeah, real conservative. | ||
| That's where the KKK was born. | ||
| But he's Jack and Diane. | ||
| Like, you're not going to cheer for a guy from your town? | ||
| Little pink houses. | ||
| Oh my God, yeah. | ||
| But Jack and Diane, come on, son. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Time's a motherfucker. | ||
| Time wins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's one of those guys that when he was around, when we were around in the 80s, and I was like, you know, they were pop songs. | ||
| They didn't really register. | ||
| He was a little bit laughable to me. | ||
| And then you get older and you just have to respect. | ||
| You know, it's almost like, somebody brought this up the other day, Hall& Oates. | ||
| We were a fucking laughing stock. | ||
| And now I listen to some of their songs, it's like, it's a fucking good song. | ||
| You know what a lot of it is? | ||
| There's something, like, go back to that picture that you just showed. | ||
| There's something about a guy who can even pull this off that I cannot root for. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He is sitting in a convertible car. | ||
| He has beautiful hair. | ||
| His arms are up. | ||
| He has a sleeveless shirt on. | ||
| He has some sort of a bracelet on. | ||
| And he's hanging back with his feet up. | ||
| He's super confident and casual. | ||
| And he's a beautiful man. | ||
| And he's singing about love and all these different things. | ||
| And there's part of you at that age. | ||
| You look at it and you're like, this is ridiculous. | ||
| The cowboy boots are selling this picture, though, too. | ||
| If he had Nikes on, it wouldn't be the same kind of photo. | ||
| Cowboy boots are important to be down home. | ||
| He's got an old ass car too. | ||
| You think John Cougar Mellencamp can't afford a new car? | ||
| Why has he got that fucking old car? | ||
| Because the old car is like down home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a car that makes noise when you start it up. | ||
| It's like some old, like, MG or some shit like that. | ||
| Like, you wouldn't really drive that. | ||
| He's probably like, get this stinky piece of shit away from me. | ||
| This fucking shitty car with bad brakes. | ||
| Yeah, where's my fucking... | ||
| Where's my Porsche? | ||
| Where's my Maserati? | ||
| He, uh... | ||
| At one point, he changed his name from John Cougar Mellencamp... | ||
| No. | ||
| From John Cougar to John Cougar Mellencamp. | ||
| I think it had something to do with his label, was trying to market him as John Cougar. | ||
| Well, his real name is John Mellencamp. | ||
| And when they were making his first album come out, they're like, we're going to change your name. | ||
| Mellencamp's not going to sell. | ||
| We're going to call you John Cougar. | ||
| John Cougar. | ||
| It sounds American. | ||
| Sounds like rugged. | ||
| I mean, you got boots on, brother? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're a cougar. | ||
| You are a cougar. | ||
| And so they sell it as John Cougar. | ||
| And then he's like, hey, man, I want to be John Mellencamp. | ||
| Like, no, you can't do it. | ||
| How about John Cougar Mellencamp? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The worst name of all time. | ||
| John Cougar Mellencamp. | ||
| Like, did he get married? | ||
| Did he marry himself? | ||
| Did he marry a dude and now he's in Mellencamp and he's hyphenated it? | ||
| Wait, is it Mellencamp or is it Mellencamp? | ||
| Do you remember Mike Sullivan Irwin? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He was the first guy I ever met that took his wife's name. | ||
| He did? | ||
| His name was Mike Sullivan. | ||
| Her name was Irvin. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he became Mike Sullivan Irvin. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| First guy I ever met that called himself a feminist, too. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You know, women don't even call themselves feminists anymore. | ||
| I was asking... | ||
| Because I've been asking women... | ||
| When did that end? | ||
| I just was online. | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
| How are you not a feminist? | ||
| If you're a woman, isn't that just saying I want to have equal pay for equal work? | ||
| It's saying, first of all, you most certainly are thinking very strongly and often about women's issues, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which I guess you have to, if you're a woman, but realistically, you should probably be thinking of the humanity as a whole, right? | ||
| You shouldn't be really focused on one gender. | ||
| Just hear me out for a second if you're getting mad. | ||
| If we're all completely concentrating on one specific gender, like female, the concerns only of the female, you're automatically breaking yourself off into a team. | ||
| This is like those guys that are men's rights guys. | ||
| That's all they talk about. | ||
| That's all they tweet about. | ||
| That's all they want to talk about is men's rights. | ||
| Men are getting fucked over in this country. | ||
| They're forming natural teams. | ||
| It's like a Windows user who's getting mad at PC or who's getting mad at Macs. | ||
| It's a weird thing that people start doing when you lock people into any sort of one or the other, like right wing versus left wing, you know, like people who are straight edge versus people who like to party. | ||
| You get these locked in ideologies, and that's a big one, man. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| The gender one's a big one. | ||
| But PCs are not making less money than Macs. | ||
| See, that's the thing about that whole narrative about women making less money than men. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever investigated it, but I had a long conversation with a good friend of mine about it recently where he was saying it wrong, too. | ||
| This is the reality. | ||
| The reality is when they do these gender income disparity studies, They're giving you the impression that a man and a woman are working next to each other and they're doing the same job and the woman's making 77 cents to the man's dollar. | ||
| That's not what the study showed. | ||
| What the study showed is that overall the men earned more money than the women did if they were both working. | ||
| And it didn't mean that they were doing the same job. | ||
| In fact, it means the opposite. | ||
| Men were choosing jobs that are much more high risk. | ||
| They were working longer hours. | ||
| So you're comparing women who worked on an average of 35 hours to men who worked 40 hours plus. | ||
| And doing different jobs. | ||
| So it wasn't, but this is the study. | ||
| The study is not that two people, like you're an accountant and she's an accountant, and you both do the exact same job, the exact same workload, and you make $100 where she makes $77. | ||
| But that's how everybody reports. | ||
| Yeah, but that's one study. | ||
| There's other studies that show, like, categorically, Walmart was paying the same job they were paying women less. | ||
| That's entirely possible. | ||
| Given individual companies, it could be sexist, for sure. | ||
| Right. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But that's not what gets spit out. | ||
| Everybody spits out that women make 77 cents to every man's dollar. | ||
| It's just not true. | ||
| It's not like they're doing the same jobs. | ||
| I mean, you could argue that... | ||
| One of the best arguments about it was that they were saying that women... | ||
| Being less confident or less likely to be assertive early on and negotiate a good salary for themselves, and that could be an issue. | ||
| But over time, that sort of balanced itself out with performance. | ||
| This was the... | ||
| There's a hypothesis that was thrown around by one article, but the overall numbers are not what everybody says. | ||
| Everybody loves to say those numbers. | ||
| They love to harp those numbers back at you. | ||
| They'll say, you know, a woman makes 77 cents to every man's dollar. | ||
| It's a sexist world. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| It's not what's going on. | ||
| It might be still a sexist world, but that's not. | ||
| Right, now you've got to factor in maternity leave, and there's things that are just, you know, going to hold a woman back from making more money because she's going to lose her place in line, basically, by taking maternity leave. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| But there's been plenty of studies of CEOs that are making... | ||
| There's a disparity in what CEOs of major companies... | ||
| When they look at the same size companies making the same profits every year... | ||
| And then you've got the woman making, you know, consistently... | ||
| 70 cents on the dollar is generous for some of those jobs. | ||
| I don't know about that study. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| But, again, you're talking about CEOs... | ||
| And this is a very rare segment of the population I don't think needs any sympathy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, any woman who's a CEO is probably making some fucking ridiculous amount of money in the first place, and it's always over-exaggerated how much money they make. | ||
| But wouldn't a company be ridiculous if they paid a woman less money and she's making them more money? | ||
| Like, wouldn't she leave and go somewhere where she would make more money? | ||
| Like, if she's that good, if she's competing with men and going right up against them. | ||
| This is the argument, right? | ||
| I don't have the answer, because I'm obviously just reading these statistics and reading what these people have said, but I would imagine there's some deep-seated sexism that is almost impossible to overcome. | ||
| Men don't want women as bosses for the most part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's subconscious, some of it. | ||
| But whether or not that's responsible for women making less money in the same jobs, apparently not according to the numbers. | ||
| According to the numbers, a lot of it is the choosing of different paths in life as far as careers. | ||
| That's why this push to get women into STEM, that's why this push to get women into technology, like tech, like Silicon Valley, there's this big disparity between men and women. | ||
| But that disparity is like real similar to how it is in a lot of tech. | ||
| It's like most women don't gravitate towards those jobs. | ||
| But if they do, they find them, there's not that many women as opposed to men. | ||
| It's much, much, I think tech, like look this up, like what is Silicon Valley? | ||
| What are the disparities? | ||
| It's a real problem. | ||
| Is it a problem, though? | ||
| But this is the question. | ||
| That's something that people always parrot and repeat, that it's a problem. | ||
| I don't know if it's a problem or if it's how women naturally navigate towards different careers than men do. | ||
| Well, look, none of this stuff is black and white. | ||
| I think that's part of it. | ||
| I think part of it is also when women have role models, they think, oh, well, I want to be like. | ||
| I think now that you've got some big corporate CEOs, the woman that wrote that book, Lean In, and from... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I think it allows women to visualize, you know, and that's why I think it's important that Hillary Clinton, when she's president, as much as I'm not a fan of hers, I think it will accomplish setting a new goal for women. | ||
| Look at this one, though. | ||
| In Silicon Valley, men 69% more likely to receive higher salary offer. | ||
| So for their initial first salary, 69% more likely. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| You know, I get there's got to be some discrimination when you think about a woman that wants to get pregnant and have a family and she's going to take time off work and if you're going to have to give her maternity leave, that's going to be unproductive money that your company has to give out. | ||
| It's interesting, man. | ||
| That lady sued. | ||
| She sued. | ||
| That is, I forget her name. | ||
| Yeah, she sued. | ||
| Margaret Cho? | ||
| No, she didn't sue Margaret Cho. | ||
| She sued some company. | ||
| Was it Google? | ||
| Microsoft? | ||
| Who the fuck did she sue? | ||
| She sued someone, I think it was Google, for gender discrimination and lost. | ||
| She wasn't the Reddit. | ||
| Yeah, she was Reddit after that. | ||
| She went to Reddit after that, and people were upset that she went over there after she was, they thought, running what appeared to be a frivolous lawsuit. | ||
| I don't know if it was frivolous, but it lost. | ||
| Look, I wouldn't want to be a chick working with a bunch of dudes. | ||
| I'll tell you that right now. | ||
| Whether it's sexist or not. | ||
| I would not want to be a woman in an office with nine other dudes that are scrapping and scraping to try to climb the corporate ladder, and I got to compete with these ass fucks, and they're all out playing golf and talking shit about my ass. | ||
| He showed up at work every day with these cunts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| But it's good for the guys. | ||
| I hate workplaces that are all guys. | ||
| I've written on shows. | ||
| I wrote on Bill Maher's show for a while, and it was all dudes talking like dudes, and they start out-duding each other. | ||
| You throw one woman in the room, and all of a sudden, everybody just fucking mellows out a little bit, and I think it's more productive. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Equal opportunity, man. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Equal opportunity, Fitzsimmons! | |
| That's what he does. | ||
| And then you fuck him in the bathroom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, it's impossible to generalize in big, broad, sweeping brushes, you know, the difference between men and women. | ||
| There's so much variety. | ||
| And there's so many people that are women that would thrive in high-pressure, high-stress situations alongside men. | ||
| And so many women that just won't. | ||
| That's not their thing. | ||
| They don't want to do it. | ||
| If you put them in there, they'd hate their fucking life. | ||
| How many people, if they had to do what you do, would be in hell every day? | ||
| Shitting their pants, sweating, nervous, can't come up with a joke, don't think anything they have to say is interesting, can't string the words together correctly, they get on a podcast like this, we don't fucking plan a goddamn thing. | ||
| We've already been going for three hours and twenty minutes. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| What are the time? | ||
| It's almost five. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| It just flies by, kid! | ||
| God damn! | ||
| It flies by! | ||
| They'd be shitting their pants. | ||
| But you'd be shitting your pants if you had to be a fucking accountant. | ||
| Go over people's taxes. | ||
| And then having to work... | ||
| Here's the thing about those guys. | ||
| They gotta show up to work every day and work all day, almost non-stop, finish, go home, do it again the next day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every day. | |
| Every day. | ||
| And you gotta bring home work on the weekend. | ||
| That's what freaks me out. | ||
| Bob, we've got to get this account done. | ||
| I hate to do this to you, but I need you on the phone 24-7 all this weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But my kids, my birthday, listen, this company, this company needs ya! | |
| Phone under the pillow, asshole. | ||
| Meanwhile, what'd you do today? | ||
| Did you work out? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| So did I. Shot bows and arrows. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Went out there and did a little archery. | ||
| My point is proven. | ||
| You shot bows and arrows. | ||
| How many accountants got to fucking take a little bow and shoot it at a target? | ||
| It's therapy. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Speaking of which, that's it. | ||
| That's my bow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We gotta play some motherfucking pool. | ||
| So let's end this podcast. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons brought his pool cue. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| Hey, I meant to ask you something. | ||
| Please do. | ||
| Should I ask you on the air or off the air if you can do a benefit? | ||
| Oh, you should definitely do it on the air and put me on the spot. | ||
| Put you on the spot for October 16th. | ||
| We're doing a benefit for Best Buddies, which is a group I work with for special needs people. | ||
| Intellectually disadvantaged people, we call them now. | ||
| The 16th is a Sunday? | ||
| At the Comedy Store main room. | ||
| I'm in! | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| I'm in! | ||
| Oh, fucking great. | ||
| I'm in! | ||
| Tickets are on sale by the time you listen to this goddamn podcast. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons benefit. | ||
| I'm a grown-up now. | ||
| I'm doing this now from now on, folks. | ||
| I'm actually putting things in my calendar immediately. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I'll email you to remind you. | ||
| I kept going, I'll fucking get to it. | ||
| I'll get to it. | ||
| And then I don't. | ||
| Chrysler's doing it, too. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You fuckers, this podcast is over. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons is awesome. | ||
| Go see him live. | ||
| Go see him live. | ||
| We'll probably be back Saturday with a fight companion for a daytime fight. | ||
| It's Saturday. | ||
| It's at noon. | ||
| I think it's at noon LA time. | ||
| So Saturday, we'll see you, you fuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Appreciate you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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