March 28, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:42:17
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| By yourself in a house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, you should be serious to think about buying a house. | |
| Jamie or me? | ||
| You. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yes! | ||
| Ari Shaffir in the fucking house. | ||
| Put the headphones on so we feel like we're doing something. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Where are they? | ||
| These headphones make a difference. | ||
| It's so much easier without my glasses. | ||
| They used to pinch me. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It would crush my ears. | ||
| You went and got your eyes cut on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They put a fucking laser right to your eyeball and they go, don't look at it. | ||
| I'm like, it's an eyebrow. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Because you're looking at him. | ||
| I'm like, I know I'm looking at it! | ||
| It's right in my eyeball! | ||
| So, what do you have to do? | ||
| Look straight ahead, and so they come in, but then it's like, as it gets right next to your eye, slightly to the left. | ||
| Like, it goes to the outside of the black part, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do they keep your eyeballs open from blinking? | |
| What's it called, style? | ||
| Like a speculum? | ||
| Yeah, but what's that movie? | ||
| Clockwork orange? | ||
| Clockwork orange, yeah, they do that to you. | ||
| Oh no, really? | ||
| They keep hitting you with drops to wet it. | ||
| Oh my god, that's crazy. | ||
| But they peel back the layer like a grape, you know, like the shell of a grape. | ||
| How does that feel? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Doesn't feel like anything? | ||
| You can't really feel it. | ||
| Later it feels like, because it's like a slight scar that has to heal, but you're not used to having a scar between your eyelid and your eyeball. | ||
| So it feels like a piece of sand is in there. | ||
| And they're like, do not rub it. | ||
| There's no sand in there. | ||
| Just don't rub it. | ||
| Eyeballs are some fucking serious shit. | ||
| It's one of the most disturbing things to me about MMA is eye pokes. | ||
| When guys get eye poked, it's almost like I'd rather see a guy get hit real hard than get eye poked. | ||
| That was the worst thing on Game of Thrones. | ||
| Oh God. | ||
| That dude freaking crushed him with two eyeballs. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| You can't spoil it stuff that's five years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| It's not out loud anymore. | ||
| How many years is that show? | ||
| That season was like three or four years old. | ||
| That dude who got smushed was badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Badass! | |
| I want him to win so bad! | ||
| He had so much going for him. | ||
| So much! | ||
| And he was going to get revenge finally? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had flair. | ||
| He had technique. | ||
| He was bisexual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Should've made his... | |
| Should've made his... | ||
| Bisexual, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But proudly bi. | |
| But they all were back then, man. | ||
| People just fucked everybody back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's like... | ||
| There's so much of a different world. | ||
| If we think about what the Romans did and what all these different cultures did, they were fucking each other, fucking young boys. | ||
| Young boys, it was normal for guys to fuck young boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, what the hell? | ||
| Yeah, better world, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking strange when you go back and you listen like it was Plato, right? | ||
| Plato was one of the big ones. | ||
| One of the big boy fuckers? | ||
| Wasn't he? | ||
| Wasn't Plato a boy? | ||
| I think Plato was a soldier. | ||
| He was like a warrior, like an accomplished warrior as well. | ||
| And then became a philosopher? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah, if I'm remembering this story correctly, which we're pretty fucking iris. | ||
| Which is probably wrong, yeah. | ||
| Pretty high right now. | ||
| And it's a wake and bake day. | ||
| Pederasty? | ||
| Have you heard that term? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Pederast. | ||
| I've heard of pederast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| When I googled him in boys, that's what comes up. | ||
| What is a pederast? | ||
| It means someone who likes to fuck young boys. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| It's bizarre that that was really commonplace amongst very respected intellectuals at one point in human history. | ||
| Yeah, Plato didn't lose his fucking subway campaign. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hopefully. | |
| Hopefully. | ||
| You know, he could go on being one of the most respected philosophers in history. | ||
| Yeah, you don't take it away if they're dead and it's a long time ago. | ||
| Well, I mean, we should, right? | ||
| Because they had a lot to contribute. | ||
| We should accept aberrant behavior, but we should also maybe look at it as a sign of... | ||
| There's some massive advancement in understanding about human beings, about the consequences of sexual abuse, all those things. | ||
| I don't think they really had enough time to live to figure things out enough. | ||
| Everyone was dead at 30, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're like, this is going to fuck them up as adults. | ||
| I'm like, wait, what? | ||
| Think of how fucking stupid this country is, right? | ||
| Think of how ridiculous we are. | ||
| If we look at each other as a collective, when you find out things that people get upset with. | ||
| Something I tweeted today about, was it Chase? | ||
| Whatever bank it was. | ||
| They wouldn't allow a guy's check. | ||
| They canceled his check because he wrote Dash on it, which is his fucking dog's name, Dash. | ||
| And they thought Dash was too close to an Islamic word, which is like D-A-E-S-A. Where did he write it on it? | ||
| He wrote it on a check! | ||
| Like, to his fucking dog! | ||
| Like, where's his money going? | ||
| Note to sell. | ||
| Dog. | ||
| Like, maybe his dog got... | ||
| Oh, on the memo part? | ||
| Some part of it. | ||
| Like, pull it up, Jamie. | ||
| They thought it was an Islamic name. | ||
| That was the reason they... | ||
| Why can't you send something to a guy named Ahmed? | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| What, if the guy's name is Muhammad? | ||
| Are we fucked now? | ||
| How does Muhammad Ali get his checks? | ||
| What happens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Bank freezes online payment over Doug's terrorist-sounding name. | ||
| Can you scroll it so we can see what the words are? | ||
| It's hurting my brain. | ||
| I have a picture of it right here. | ||
| I was trying to find the picture. | ||
| And here's the young man. | ||
| Oh, he's wheelchaired up. | ||
| Yeah, I think he's got... | ||
| That makes him get more sympathy for sure. | ||
| What was his disease, Jamie? | ||
| I want to see, yeah, multiple sclerosis. | ||
| He was transferring money from his Chase account to his dog walker. | ||
| So he put the nine-year-old Pitbull's moniker, Dash, in the memo line. | ||
| Because it's to pay for his fucking dog walker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's too much like D-A-E-S-H, the Arabic term for self-described Islamic State. | ||
| That's their word for ISIS. Yes. | ||
| I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's not the same word, you fucks! | |
| That's like... | ||
| You can't write nagger. | ||
| Explain what that means. | ||
| Someone's a nagger. | ||
| You can't write that. | ||
| Oh, is it because they don't want him donating money to ISIS? And he's like, oh, hold on. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| They thought for some reason that that was a red flag. | ||
| Are you not allowed to give money to ISIS? I don't think you're allowed. | ||
| Look, it says it flagged a payment, which placed a note on Francis' account asking him to explain what Dash means. | ||
| Explain yourself, son. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Soldiers died. | ||
| But it's not the same word. | ||
| Like, think of how many words. | ||
| Day, die, I mean, what are we going to... | ||
| D-A-E-S-H is not the same as D-A-S-H, right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| D-A-E-S-H? Yeah. | ||
| It's just not the same word. | ||
| Like, we have combinations of words that are vastly different than just one extra letter. | ||
| Yes, it is a word. | ||
| And it means to go fast. | ||
| Everybody knows it. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| I mean, you think... | ||
| There's so many different combinations that you could say are close. | ||
| Flagged, reviewed, and eventually released. | ||
| Out an hour? | ||
| What about that? | ||
| Are they the same thing? | ||
| Is it the same word? | ||
| Should we flag it? | ||
| Is it the same? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Did you mean out or our? | ||
| I wrote out! | ||
| I wrote out, you fuck! | ||
| Well, yes, but we would like to know if you meant our. | ||
| Well, I would have wrote our. | ||
| I wrote out, you fucks. | ||
| Okay, that's cleared up, but I don't think you have to call us fucks. | ||
| Why are you contacting me? | ||
| This is not what you're supposed to do. | ||
| What you're supposed to do is pay my goddamn dog walker so I don't look like a dickhead. | ||
| And she's got to pay her fucking rent, and you ruined everything. | ||
| Sir, I understand you're upset, but if you could just calm down, we're trying to stop terrorism. | ||
| It's fucking the Rothschilds or some shit. | ||
| Chemtrails. | ||
| Sir, if you could watch your language, please. | ||
| Vaccines and 9-11. | ||
| All together with the fucking moon landing and Area 51. Huh. | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| I want my fucking money! | ||
| Dash is a great dog! | ||
| You ever lose it on a customer service person like that? | ||
| Just fucking go nuts? | ||
| No, I'm not like that. | ||
| I try to be... | ||
| I hate those jobs. | ||
| I wouldn't want that job. | ||
| They don't want that job. | ||
| I know it's never their fault. | ||
| I try to be as nice as possible. | ||
| Some people are just so... | ||
| It's not even their fault. | ||
| Some people that you talk to, like customer service people, if it's for something shitty, like something that happens all the time, they're dealing with so many people that are complaining all the time. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Non-stop. | ||
| I remember when Apple started with the iPhone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you know how AT&T only had it? | ||
| Calls were getting dropped left and right, remember? | ||
| Because everybody got on there. | ||
| And I was like, what's the problem? | ||
| And I was like, hey, you must deal with a lot of calls about dropped calls, huh? | ||
| And it was like, it's a lot. | ||
| It's a lot of angry people. | ||
| I remember I had a guy talk me through some issue on my phone once. | ||
| I had to call a dude. | ||
| I don't remember what the exact issue was, but all my contacts went away. | ||
| I was like, what is going on here? | ||
| And he had to talk me through it and figure out how to get it back to the way it used to be and update things. | ||
| It was a nightmare. | ||
| But I remember the guy, I was like, dude, okay... | ||
| How much does this job suck? | ||
| I go, I'm not completely retarded, and you're trying to help me through this. | ||
| And I've built computers. | ||
| I mean, I've taken a motherboard, I've put it in, I put the heat sink in, and I've done all that added video cards. | ||
| I know a little bit about computers. | ||
| I mean, I'm not like a computer wizard, but more than the average retard, right? | ||
| And I was barely figuring it out. | ||
| I was like, okay, I gotta go back. | ||
| I gotta delete. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| I start fresh? | ||
| Okay, I go to my backup. | ||
| I have a backup. | ||
| Where's the back with the key log? | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, where did they go? | ||
| Where did all my contacts go? | ||
| Why'd they get chewed up? | ||
| I don't know anybody's fuck. | ||
| I don't know your number. | ||
| You have the same number forever. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it is. | ||
| I just look at my phone. | ||
| I find your number and I call you. | ||
| But I remember talking to the guy going, like, what is this like, man? | ||
| He's like, dude, I can't even describe it. | ||
| He's like, people call up, you're like, have you ever even seen, have you have a phone? | ||
| Or are you just crazy? | ||
| He says to them? | ||
| He wants to say to them. | ||
| Like, do you know how to work anything? | ||
| Because then he's got to be like, okay, um, did you turn it on? | ||
| I turned it on! | ||
| But the phone's black! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I saw somebody at an airport doing that on the call. | ||
| I was like, I don't understand. | ||
| How do you get the thing to send? | ||
| And I want to be like, hey lady, that send button at the bottom is what you're looking for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes it talks to me! | |
| That's Siri, ma'am. | ||
| What is Siri? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is Siri? | |
| Is it important what they're saying? | ||
| Did you say, hey Siri? | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| I don't know what I said! | ||
| The phone is talking to me! | ||
| There's a bigger issue. | ||
| When you say, hey Siri, if you have hey Siri on, like me saying this right now over and over again, people right now all across the world are yelling at me. | ||
| They get mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They get mad. | |
| What do you want, really? | ||
| Because your phone starts talking to you. | ||
| Like it happened to me when I was in my car listening to a podcast of us talking about hey Siri. | ||
| My phone went off because the podcast said, hey Siri. | ||
| So my phone started asking me, what can I do for you? | ||
| I was like, oh my god, this is ridiculous. | ||
| And sometimes it starts transcribing things. | ||
| Sometimes like, hey Siri will activate and then it'll transcribe a whole list of shit that you're saying. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like, what do you do? | ||
| That's not my question. | ||
| Like, hey Siri thinks you have like a four paragraph long question for it. | ||
| So you're just like, oh. | ||
| Hey Siri, look up hardcore black on white pornography. | ||
| Not while I'm at work! | ||
| At work I'm a different person! | ||
|
unidentified
|
At work, I don't even care about those things! | |
| Not while I'm at work! | ||
|
unidentified
|
At work I wear a suit and I have very special behavior! | |
| I'm a different person here. | ||
| I'm a different person! | ||
| I used to wear my yamaka to my law firm I worked at as like a 17, 18 year old. | ||
| And then I would take it off. | ||
| What would I do? | ||
| A lot of guys, lawyers, would come in and take their yarmulke off as soon as I got in because they wanted to blend in. | ||
| But I would keep mine on, whatever. | ||
| But the next year, I lost my religion. | ||
| And then I didn't want to explain to everybody that I wasn't religious anymore. | ||
| So I would come in, put my yarmulke on, and then as soon as I left, I would just take it off again. | ||
| Ooh, that's a good move. | ||
| Yeah, for a whole summer. | ||
| That's a better move than explaining it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Explaining it is a lot of work. | ||
| To every person, it's the same explanation. | ||
| But if you worked in a small office with people that you really liked, it wouldn't be that big. | ||
| No, if it was four or five people, you'd do it at once. | ||
| Hey guys, sorry, I realize that was all bullshit. | ||
| Hey Hebrew fella, where's your special hat? | ||
| We had a lady follow us up once on the elevator. | ||
| Telling you about Jesus? | ||
| We were like, what floor? | ||
| And she goes, do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior? | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, but I don't know what floor that's on. | |
| Jesus Christ, lady. | ||
| She wasn't even going there. | ||
| She followed us. | ||
| We were going for lunch. | ||
| She came back and followed us at the elevator. | ||
| And Jews don't do that. | ||
| What's worse, them or vegans? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Ooh. | ||
| Like for proselytizing. | ||
| Who hits you the hardest? | ||
| At the heart of it, the Jesus Freaks just want to help your soul. | ||
| Ooh, right. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| What do vegans want? | ||
| They want you to stop killing animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now not at the heart of it, they both want to feel better than you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Michael Shermer calls it virtue signaling. | ||
| You met Michael Shermer? | ||
| Yeah, he's on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's the best. | |
| Yeah, he was on a couple weeks ago. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Real nice guy. | ||
| Like, very fun to talk to. | ||
| Wise man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But he calls it virtue signaling. | ||
| It's a great way to describe it. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| You're signaling to everyone that you have virtue by your actions. | ||
| You're peacocking your virtue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it annoys the fuck out of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's gross. | ||
| It's gross, like, from all sorts of different standpoints. | ||
| Not just about your diet, but about a lot of different things. | ||
| Those new AA people are like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah, new AA people can be brutal. | ||
| People who fell in love. | ||
| Yoga people can be like that. | ||
| I've been guilty. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I've been guilty of that. | ||
| I'm annoying. | ||
| I just feel so clear now. | ||
| Yeah, I'm annoying with that. | ||
| Oh, you used to give me a gluten-free one for a little while. | ||
| Legit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's what the gluten-free taught me. | ||
| I don't really have a tolerance problem to gluten, but gluten is essentially sugar. | ||
| When you're getting gluten, you're getting it from bread, and gluten's like a protein that comes from wheat. | ||
| Bread is fucking sugar. | ||
| It's sugar. | ||
| I go without sugar on Wednesdays. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then Mike Vecchione was like, but you eat pizza? | ||
| And that just turns the sugar in your body. | ||
| I'm like, shut up, scientist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not talking about that. | |
| I cut all that stuff out, too. | ||
| Bread? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No pizza? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No, I don't eat it anymore. | ||
| You didn't eat that bread last night, Dr. Ugly Walkies. | ||
| You've seen those door guys devour the leftovers. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How good is it? | |
| What? | ||
| It's pounds of meat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's this place called Dr. Huggly Wuggly's Tyler, Texas Barbecue, and it's out in Van Nuys, California, and it's my all-time favorite barbecue spot in California for sure. | ||
| It's one of the best in the country. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Those ribs looked like fucking Flintstones. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They were massive. | ||
| The place is super legit, too. | ||
| The paneling on the wall is like shitty fake wood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's been the same way since 1974. Warped. | ||
| It's just classic. | ||
| It is a classic restaurant. | ||
| It is Americana. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they give you an insane portion of meat. | ||
| So much meat. | ||
| I can't believe I ate that. | ||
| By the way, that was a tri... | ||
| What was it? | ||
| That was three different things. | ||
| That was... | ||
| A triple combo. | ||
| Yeah, triple combo. | ||
| You had beef ribs, you had spare ribs, and you had brisket. | ||
| Obviously brisket. | ||
| You can't go to a barbecue place without getting the brisket if you've got a combo. | ||
| You've got to go with brisket and figure out what else you want. | ||
| That was 23 bucks. | ||
| It's not expensive. | ||
| It wasn't even that much. | ||
| It's an insane amount of food because that's easily enough food for three people. | ||
| We pigged out and ate it all, but three reasonable people would eat that plate of meat. | ||
| And plus they give you sides. | ||
| What are we doing, a commercial? | ||
| Four animals died for that. | ||
| You should not even tell everybody about it. | ||
| I don't want anybody to know. | ||
| Well, I do want to do well. | ||
| What are the best barbecues you've ever eaten? | ||
| There's a bunch of good spots in Texas. | ||
| There's a bunch of good spots outside of Austin. | ||
| Franklin. | ||
| I've been the one outside of Austin, but Franklin in Austin, Franklin Barbecue. | ||
| It's supposed to be insane. | ||
| Yeah, and the cool thing is, so the lines are down the street. | ||
| The first time I went, it was raining. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| I waited for an hour and a half. | ||
| Totally worth it. | ||
| Wow, because it was raining. | ||
| Because it was raining. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And they said, everybody, come on in off the street, get under the cover. | ||
| They're all cool people. | ||
| But industry has risen up around that line. | ||
| Like, there's TaskRabbit people that'll wait in line for you for 20 bucks, but now they're on to them, so you can only order for up to like four people. | ||
| Fucking chair salesmen. | ||
| They have rental chairs. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| People are up in line just waiting there like, hey, well, I can make money for five bucks. | ||
| Do they move the chair for you when the line moves? | ||
| No, I think you gotta come up, pick it up. | ||
| No, you should get up, and they should move it for you like your royalty. | ||
| Yeah, I would love that. | ||
| That'd be right. | ||
| They come out and sell beers, the line. | ||
| How weird! | ||
| It's so weird, but it's so fucking good. | ||
| That brisket melts in your mouth. | ||
| It's just like cotton candy. | ||
| There's another place in Austin that Aubrey swears by, too. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he lives in Austin. | ||
| Yeah, there's another place that he says is just as good, but it's not a scene. | ||
| It's not a scene. | ||
| Well, something happens. | ||
| It got popular. | ||
| It got on TV, right? | ||
| It got on Anthony Bourdain's show. | ||
| Well, he trained with the other guy who used to be the best guy in Austin. | ||
| This guy trained with him, got his own smoker, was just in a back parking lot. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| They go back parking lot. | ||
| So the first time I went, I looked for one. | ||
| I was like, Mueller's, Mueller's, Mueller's BBQ. And I went in there at like 1230. No line. | ||
| I was like, oh, it's cool. | ||
| Great. | ||
| I was like, hey, can I get some... | ||
| And they're like, we sold out of meat a long time ago, son. | ||
| You gotta get here early. | ||
| They sell out of meat at a certain time. | ||
| At some point in the line for Franklin, they go, no more turkey, just so you guys know. | ||
| And then 10 minutes later, no more brisket. | ||
| And I'm like, ah, fuck. | ||
| They only have meat enough for that day. | ||
| So by two, they're closed. | ||
| They're dealers. | ||
| They're getting you hooked. | ||
| They're creating a surplus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got a line of people. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| It's a cool... | ||
| But then they were like, oh, we gotta... | ||
| So they had that smoker in the back parking lot somewhere, and then they had to find a buyer place. | ||
| They literally have an overabundance of buyers. | ||
| They have too much. | ||
| They keep their business exactly as big as it is, so they can do everything the same way. | ||
| That's so rare. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Yeah, it's so rare though, right? | ||
| It's glorious. | ||
| It is very rare. | ||
| It's rare to just say someone's like, I'm just going to keep running this business where I can keep my eye on everything. | ||
| We do it the right way. | ||
| They give you brisket in line like at Katz's Deli. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| You know, with the pastrami. | ||
| They taste this, you know? | ||
| They walk by with some? | ||
| No. | ||
| As you get to the front, they just cut you off. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Just taste what you're about to order. | ||
| They're like, oh, it's so good! | ||
| Yeah, they did that to us in this place that we went to. | ||
| Me and Ben and Aubrey went to this place. | ||
| It's about 40 minutes outside of Austin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I forget the name of it. | ||
| Yeah, I went there. | ||
| Yeah, so you've been to that spot? | ||
| I went there with Metzger and a few other people. | ||
| Metzger had the last brisket, and we all had to fucking suck up on some goddamn turkey and hot links. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Like peasant immigrants. | ||
| He didn't split the brisket with you? | ||
| No, he did not. | ||
| Whoa, that's kind of dark. | ||
| He's not a kind person. | ||
| He's selfish. | ||
| That's dark. | ||
| And he's... | ||
| There's three of you and you guys... | ||
| There's like seven of us. | ||
| It's a big... | ||
| Okay, fuck them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Too many people. | ||
| You guys can all have a lick of one bite. | ||
| The problem is you roll too deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because that's just too much brisket to hang around to all these different folks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, sorry. | ||
| We should have gotten there earlier. | ||
| What I was getting to earlier was that, think about that guy, that Dash thing. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| About how stupid that is. | ||
| That this is, in 2016, with the world that we live in today, these kind of morons are still making decisions. | ||
| Some six-year-old girl got arrested for stealing candy. | ||
| They put her in handcuffs. | ||
| See that? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Six years old. | ||
| They put her in handcuffs. | ||
| Scared straight stuff? | ||
| Had to be that. | ||
| No cop is going to look at a girl and go like, we really got to take her in. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it wasn't a white girl. | ||
| For sure, it wasn't. | ||
| Obviously, it wasn't a white girl. | ||
| I mean, could you even imagine that taking place with a white girl? | ||
| Cops are not going to do that to a white girl. | ||
| No way. | ||
| But that's crazy. | ||
| Young lady? | ||
| Racist. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Off the top racist. | ||
| Oh, she's so cute. | ||
| Over the top racist. | ||
| Chicago mom outraged after daughter six placed in handcuffs for taking candy. | ||
| Taking it off a teacher's desk. | ||
| I thought maybe it was some Persian guy who was like, no, you arrest her! | ||
| She steals! | ||
| You do the law! | ||
| And then I had to be arrested and then unarrest her. | ||
| But if it's off a teacher's desk... | ||
| They were trying to teach her a lesson, it says. | ||
| That you're going to wind up in jail? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck, man? | |
| That is crazy. | ||
| So this is the world we're living in today, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is how crazy some of the stories are where this gets through. | ||
| Somehow this becomes a real thing. | ||
| This actually happens. | ||
| And then we're all talking about it like, what in the fuck? | ||
| Imagine life back when most people died at like 24. Like, everybody's dead. | ||
| Half the people that you give birth to, half of them die. | ||
| They just don't make it. | ||
| Like, when you were looking at the ages of people that lived back during the Roman times, I mean, I think the infant mortality rate back then was some insane, like 40% or something like that. | ||
| This is when I lose what parents say. | ||
| What'd she say? | ||
| I'm more angry than anything because it's my only daughter. | ||
| I feel like anything could have happened to her. | ||
| Somebody could have touched her. | ||
| She's in the dark under the stairs. | ||
| But that's just ridiculous. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| That's someone who sees the finish line. | ||
| Why would you think anyone's going to touch her under the stairs at school? | ||
| Because she's scared. | ||
| I mean, who knows? | ||
| She might not be that bright. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| But she also is being interviewed. | ||
| So she sees the finish line. | ||
| And the finish line is, you've got to make this traumatic as fuck to get that big paper. | ||
| She's getting some pain. | ||
| Oh, she's trying to do that. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| She's gonna, dude. | ||
| I mean, if there's ever been a slam dunk case, if I was an ambulance chaser or one of those asshole guys who looks to sue over nothing, I'd be jumping on this thing. | ||
| This one's crazy. | ||
| Brianna, can we talk to you real quick? | ||
| Yeah, this one's fucking crazy. | ||
| You handcuffed a six-year-old girl? | ||
| I'm ready to teach them a lesson, though. | ||
| I sort of get it on that level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Make her scared. | ||
| Don't steal. | ||
| We don't steal. | ||
| You're not allowed to put kids in chains. | ||
| Oh, yeah, chains. | ||
| You're just not. | ||
| You're just not. | ||
| And you're definitely not allowed to do it to a little black kid. | ||
| Because of the connotations? | ||
| You just can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't take a six-year-old and go, this is what you're gonna be! | |
| So the teacher told them to do it, right? | ||
| She's a little kid, man. | ||
| Let me tell you something, dude. | ||
| Whose fault is it, teacher or cop? | ||
| No one's fault. | ||
| It's part of being a kid. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Kids do stupid shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| That she got in the handcuffs. | ||
| The teacher who said, I want to do this, the teacher will listen. | ||
| Oh, whoever put the handcuffs on her, for sure, is the culprit. | ||
| Whoever put the handcuffs on her. | ||
| Whoever, a man that put that, I assume it's a man who cinched up those handcuffs around that six-year-old wrist, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| First of all, you should never be a cop for the rest of your life, ever, if you can't control a six-year-old. | ||
| There's a school security guard, but still. | ||
| Okay, same thing. | ||
| So it's all school. | ||
| Paul Blart. | ||
| Some Paul Blart type character. | ||
| It's nonsense, man. | ||
| I stole my cousin's comb out of his desk in Israel. | ||
| And my dad saw it. | ||
| He goes, where'd you get this comb? | ||
| It had a cool pony picture on it. | ||
| On the comb. | ||
| It was a Palomino. | ||
| And I was like, I don't know, I got it. | ||
| He's like, what do you mean? | ||
| You don't have any money? | ||
| You don't get things? | ||
| How'd you get this? | ||
| Fucking ten, man. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You got it. | ||
| And I was like, I got it from... | ||
| Ego's room. | ||
| He was like, did he give it to you? | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| You know, he found out. | ||
| He goes, you gotta go back there and tell him you stole it. | ||
| And I was like, oh man, please do not make me do that. | ||
| He's like, yeah, you're doing it. | ||
| I got busted stealing the candy bar once. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I was 12. Like 11 or 12 maybe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Somewhere in that age. | ||
| Who busted you? | ||
| A security guard. | ||
| A shop owner? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| A security guard at a store. | ||
| I put, like, a candy bar in my pocket or something. | ||
| I don't exactly remember how it went down, but I remember the guy grabbing me on my shoulder. | ||
| I was, like, unslick about it, you know? | ||
| Like, really unslick. | ||
| I think I was probably 11. They're already watching you. | ||
| You don't think they are? | ||
| Yeah, it was fucking ridiculous. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| And then they take you in some room, scare the shit out of you. | ||
| They say, if you ever do this again, we're going to call the police. | ||
| We're going to let you go right now. | ||
| We're not going to tell your parents, but if you ever do this again, we will call the police. | ||
| Try to scare you. | ||
| Understand me? | ||
| And I was like, oh yeah, I'm so sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe I did it. | |
| And then I told my friends, they're like, why'd you do it? | ||
| I'm like, I don't even know. | ||
| I just wanted to see if I could do it. | ||
| I wanted candy. | ||
| I didn't have any money. | ||
| Hey, is this allowable? | ||
| And then you find out, oh, it's not. | ||
| I dated a girl in high school who's a really bright girl. | ||
| Clepto? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She's very smart and educated and did really well for herself and wound up being an outstanding citizen. | ||
| But when she was in high school, she had a problem. | ||
| Girls, well, anybody. | ||
| You see things, and you can't afford them. | ||
| And when you're young... | ||
| You've never earned any money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You still have these lapses in thinking that are intensely juvenile, especially if you grew up in a weird single-parent household like she did, or like a lot of people do, or latchkey kids, where your parents just go, get out of here, and they just let you out the door, and you figure out life on your own. | ||
| That's a lot of fucking kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so I think she just got caught doing it, and it was devastating. | ||
| She's pretty honest about it, like how devastating it was when she got caught. | ||
| When she got caught? | ||
| Yeah, she got caught with clothes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And who? | |
| They arrest her? | ||
| Security guard, yeah. | ||
| I guess what girls would do is they would go to a place, and they would put clothes on over their other clothes. | ||
| Right, go into the dressing room. | ||
| Yeah, they'd go in the dressing room and hide stuff. | ||
| And this is like... | ||
| We're talking about... | ||
| I graduated in 1985. So I think it's probably like 83 or 84. This is no computers. | ||
| There's no scanners on your items when you walk out the door. | ||
| An RFID card goes off. | ||
| You know those things that they have? | ||
| That's not an RFID. What are those plastic things? | ||
| It looks like a stapler that clip onto your shirt. | ||
| That if you don't take them off, they burst blue when you try to take them off. | ||
| I don't think they had that shit back then. | ||
| I think you just had to keep an eye on people. | ||
| Do you remember when there was a famous actress that got caught? | ||
| Winona Ryder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| She got caught being a kleptower. | ||
| That's one of the reasons I know that any, like, scandal that falls a comic, like, it'll pass. | ||
| No one talks about Winona Ryder being a shoplifter anymore. | ||
| We just did. | ||
| Well, yeah, but I mean, people don't really think of it that way. | ||
| Thank God we're not respectable. | ||
| I remember at some point learning the lesson. | ||
| I was like, oh, I'm an adult now. | ||
| If I get caught shoplifting now, I'm just going to go to jail. | ||
| There's no, like, young man will talk to your parents. | ||
| I think some people have just fucking lapses in judgment, and they do it because they're like, I think subconsciously, like someone like Winona Ryder, who's obviously wealthy. | ||
| Yeah, she's wealthy. | ||
| I think she's like, I mean, I'm just totally playing armchair psychologist here, but I would say it might seriously be that she's just trying to charge up her day somehow, like subconsciously. | ||
| That's what, in the season, the series premiere of Heroes, the very first episode. | ||
| Spoiler alert? | ||
| Are you going to spoiler alert again? | ||
| Dude, that's fucking 12 years old. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Anyway, the fucking wife of the congressman, she gets caught shoplifting, and people go, why did you shoplift? | ||
| She goes, I just needed to feel something. | ||
| It was the worst writing I've ever heard. | ||
| But she's like, after Frank died, I just needed to feel. | ||
| Good Christ. | ||
| Yeah, but, dude, I steal from the airports all the time. | ||
| You used to or do? | ||
| Do. | ||
| What do you steal? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If I buy a couple things and they're super expensive, the water is just coming with me for free. | ||
| Whoa, you shouldn't say this on the air. | ||
| What are they going to set up a sting? | ||
| People are going to sting. | ||
| They're going to sting you at the airport. | ||
| Like one of those things. | ||
| Or the banana. | ||
| I don't know, something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But why would you give a fuck? | |
| You have money. | ||
| Yeah, because I just feel it's not justified that they charge this much. | ||
| Fight the power that be! | ||
| Bernie Sanders all the way for you or what? | ||
| Yeah, I mean if I voted, which I'm not, but I would definitely vote for Sanders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sometimes I stop and I go, wait. | ||
| $4.75 for the regular size water? | ||
| You know that's a lot, right? | ||
| It's fairly expensive. | ||
| However, how much would I have to pay you to go get some water, purify it, cool it off, put it in a plastic jar, and have it sealed and waiting for me? | ||
| $150. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It cost a lot. | ||
| Dude, I got into a fight with a guy on the Great Wall of China. | ||
| He was selling Gatorades. | ||
| And I had just taken this long hike on it. | ||
| I mean, it was hot, and I was sweaty, and I saw Gatorade. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, how much? | ||
| And he was like, I forget how much it was. | ||
| Let's say it was like $20. | ||
| Yen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| The price is five, bro. | ||
| You know the price is five. | ||
| And he goes, 20. I'm like, I'm not a fucking tourist. | ||
| I've been here for two weeks already. | ||
| I already know the scam. | ||
| And he goes, I walked it up from the fucking bottom of the hill all the way up to the Great Wall of China. | ||
| And I was like, 20 it is. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| You can't be stealing water. | ||
| It's with other stuff. | ||
| Or if the line is too long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, with other things. | |
| If the line is too long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just... | |
| Pick your own price. | ||
| Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
| If the line is too long, I'm like, I gotta go. | ||
| I'm like, uh, nah. | ||
| I'm just gonna walk. | ||
| Sometimes I do that. | ||
| Sometimes you just take things? | ||
| Yeah, neck pillows once in a while. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm gonna wait in the line. | ||
| I'm walking around looking for nuts. | ||
| I have a neck pillow. | ||
| It's on my suitcase now. | ||
| I put it on there. | ||
| I'm like, I'll probably just go. | ||
| This is not a good way to think. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| This is a crime. | ||
| You're talking about steady, regular crime and justifying it. | ||
| Look, man, what the American government says I should do, I don't agree with all that. | ||
| I don't think the government owns those little stops at the airport. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying what they say in terms of stealing and not stealing. | ||
| I just don't listen to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you have your own laws? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Big corporations, fuck them. | ||
| Steal what you want. | ||
| But what is a big corporation? | ||
| Are those big corporations that have those little stalls in the airport? | ||
| I don't do it from the kiosks, although I would do it from the kiosks. | ||
| They're just harder because you can't walk around. | ||
| There's one guy looking. | ||
| But that doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Good question. | ||
| Let me think about that. | ||
| This is something that could cause you a giant problem if you got caught. | ||
| If I got caught, yeah. | ||
| For sure I'd miss my flight. | ||
| Well, not just miss your flight. | ||
| It would be a big deal. | ||
| I mean, you could always plead ignorance, but not anymore. | ||
| Not because of this, because of this evidence. | ||
| Yeah, because of this. | ||
| This is over. | ||
| One time I had a koosh ball at Chesapeake Knife and Tool, and I was tossing it around while I was looking at all the little metal games, you know, those puzzle games, you get the ring off, and I was like, oh, I can easily take this right now. | ||
| And I just kept tossing it up and walked right out of the store. | ||
| Because if they caught me, I'd be like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| Clearly I wasn't, clearly, I mean, that was in high school. | ||
| You should go back. | ||
| And give it back to them? | ||
| I want to go back to the place I sold a candy bar and pay for it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| You gotta pay for like five. | ||
| With interest. | ||
| Oh my god, you'd owe them thousands. | ||
| What kind of candy bar? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It's like a Hershey's bar or something. | ||
| Nothing exotic. | ||
| That's on you. | ||
| It's on me? | ||
| Yeah, I'm in a zero bar maybe. | ||
| I don't even remember. | ||
| 10,000 grand. | ||
| I used to remember it was candy. | ||
| Fucking Hershey's bar. | ||
| What are you, a fucking freed internment camp guy from the fucking Japanese war? | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Hershey's chocolate with almonds, still to this day, is fucking bang up. | ||
| Hershey's chocolate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hershey's chocolate. | |
| I'm like a garbage American. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Hershey's chocolate and Jif peanut butter. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You break off the fucking pieces of the Hershey's chocolate with almonds and dig into a big vat of Jif peanut butter. | ||
| Kapow! | ||
| Or Skippy. | ||
| You want to get crazy? | ||
| Oh yeah, the nuts. | ||
| The nutty ones. | ||
| But when they try to sell us that bullshit where there's a stripe of jelly and a stripe of peanut butter and a stripe... | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Unless you're eating it with a spoon straight out of the jar into your mouth. | ||
| It's like, no, I decide how much jelly and how much peanut butter goes on it. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| Dude, we were having a party for This Is Not Happening for my show every Tuesday night, 12.30 a.m. | ||
| Three episodes left. | ||
| Diaz is coming. | ||
| But anyway, so we had s'mores. | ||
| We had in the back of Eric and Sam's place. | ||
| It was a little fire pit. | ||
| We had s'mores. | ||
| I just burned them. | ||
| I just burned the mushroom. | ||
| Not mushroom. | ||
| Marshmallow and then stick it on there and smush it. | ||
| And then this guy Brian Baldinger, he's like, dude, I was a Cub Scout for 12 years. | ||
| That's not how you do it. | ||
| Let me show you. | ||
| And for the next 10 minutes, he perfectly browned this marshmallow from like eight feet above the fire. | ||
| Like just made it so long. | ||
| And then he turns and goes, see now this is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he just slapped it on his hand onto the ground. | |
| He was so angry. | ||
| He was so mad. | ||
| And I was waiting for him to finish for 10 minutes. | ||
| He's the Franklins of s'mores. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's hilarious, dude. | ||
| You just shit on the Franklin of s'mores. | ||
| I love slapping shit out of people's hands. | ||
| I did it out of Gomez's hands, and he had an Altoids tin that was open for so long! | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| I don't want to do this to you! | ||
| You're forcing my hand! | ||
| And then you just slapped it up. | ||
| And he goes, dude, there's three Xanax in there! | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| So we had to look on the ground. | ||
| We found one of them. | ||
| It's so much fun to slap food on someone's hand. | ||
| Josh Martin did that. | ||
| He was coming out of the back with a fucking pretzel all covered with mustard. | ||
| It's only great when they can easily replace it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So you gotta get, here's the five bucks back, go deal with it. | ||
| If I ever got a lot of money, I would smash people's iPhones and just stomp on them like, here's $700. | ||
| But then what if they're in the middle of a really important conversation with a babysitter? | ||
| Yeah, now you get it. | ||
| Anyway, Josh Martin comes out. | ||
| I just slap that out of it. | ||
| He goes, oh, and I can see he's looking at it like, maybe I'll eat it anyway. | ||
| I'm like, you're making me step on this, man. | ||
| You're making me step on this. | ||
| You're leaving me no choice. | ||
| Why are comics so mean to each other? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we're so cruel. | |
| So mean to each other. | ||
| There was one of the funniest stories I laughed at was Louie and Norton. | ||
| Norton was talking about how he was walking down the street with his slice of pizza. | ||
| He just got it. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| It was such a juicy slice of pizza. | ||
| And Louie walked over and smacked it right out of his hand, right out of the ground. | ||
| and said something like, your mother's a cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is that so funny? | |
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's pain associated with no real monetary loss. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| But that's why the cell phone doesn't work. | ||
| It's a real phone. | ||
| You'd have to give them like a grand. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a slice of pizza that you just easily replace. | ||
| Jim Payne said it the best in terms of how comedians, how cruel they are to each other. | ||
| He was like, if you break up with a girl, if you're at a comedy store and you break up with a girl, you just don't tell anyone for like eight months. | ||
| It's just, they're not going to be cool to you. | ||
| They're not going to be like, it's okay, man. | ||
| They're just going to be like, who do you think is fucking her now? | ||
| Do you think she's finally trying anal? | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| Yeah, you just don't tell anybody until you're over it, and then you're like, okay, now I can accept the plan. | ||
| Yeah, that ended a year ago. | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, can we still make fun of you? | ||
| Yeah, but it won't sting anymore. | ||
| I've already had two girlfriends since then. | ||
| That's a lot of guys. | ||
| You've employed that strategy. | ||
| What, not telling anybody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember being like, where's, what's her name? | ||
| Yeah, didn't work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How long ago? | ||
| A year? | ||
| Like one of your best friends. | ||
| A fucking year, bro? | ||
| Gotta keep that sick. | ||
| You're even gonna tell me? | ||
| A year? | ||
| I was gonna tell you. | ||
| I was gonna tell you eventually. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| But it has to be someone you like. | ||
| Like, if someone that you didn't like as a comedian came by and slapped your Tic Tacs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Then it's like, who the fuck are you? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It only works if you really like that person. | ||
| That guy Rocco. | ||
| You know Rocco? | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| But I didn't know him that well. | ||
| And I yawned and he put his fucking two fingers right in my mouth. | ||
| And I'm like, don't fucking ever do that to me again! | ||
| I was so mad. | ||
| But if you do it, I'd be like, ew, dude, fucking gross! | ||
| That'd be the end of it. | ||
| But why would anybody do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I definitely don't want your hands in my mouth, and I don't want my hands in your mouth either. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What if someone's got some crazy gag reflex, just chomps down your fingers? | ||
| That would be hilarious. | ||
| If you're like, let me teach this guy to listen, and then it just barfs all over your arms. | ||
| Bites you. | ||
| They say that like a human bite is super dangerous. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, people have all sorts of funky fucking bacteria in their mouth. | ||
| When a person bites you, like if you get infected, if you can get it cleaned up really good, really quick. | ||
| Like we have venom. | ||
| Yeah, we're nasty. | ||
| It'll do shit to you? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| People get real sick. | ||
| Well, diseases that come from bites can be particularly fucked up. | ||
| That's one of the things about those goddamn Komodo dragons. | ||
| I'm pretty sure, check and see on this, because I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure they used to think that they have venom. | ||
| They used to think they produce a venom. | ||
| And now, or it might be the other way around, that they used to think that it was just bacteria in their mouth that killed their prey. | ||
| Just fucking slime. | ||
| Their mouth develops a slime. | ||
| They're really weird. | ||
| Kimono dragons, their mouth is like someone just blew snot in their mouth. | ||
| They open their mouth up and it's like you, if you just sneezed, if you had the flu and fucking goos coming out of your mouth. | ||
| One-two punch. | ||
| They have sharp teeth and a venomous bite. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Dispels the common belief that toxic bacteria in the Komodo's mouths are responsible. | ||
| See, that's the old belief. | ||
| So humans are worse than Komodo dragons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they'll probably kill you eventually if they beat you. | ||
| I'm sure there's fucking nasty shit in their mouth. | ||
| But the venom. | ||
| They actually have a venom. | ||
| For the longest time, they thought that it was just bacteria. | ||
| Because, like, show a picture of a Komodo dragon with its mouth open. | ||
| It's fucking vile, man. | ||
| Where do they live? | ||
| I want to see one of those things. | ||
| Komodo Island. | ||
| There's only one place where they live. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They don't have many zoos anywhere? | ||
| Pretty sure. | ||
| Well, they definitely do. | ||
| But I mean, one place where they exist in the wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| Pretty sure there's only one area. | ||
| Like, look at its mouth. | ||
| Ew, look at that slime. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole thing is just Slimesville. | ||
| And apparently that shit's all toxic. | ||
| Oh, how fast are those? | ||
| Pretty fast, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, they're big too. | ||
| They'll come at you? | ||
| They're fucking big, man. | ||
| These things eat water buffaloes and shit. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Yeah, they bite them and then they follow them for days until they die. | ||
| And then eat them? | ||
| They are the creepest of the creeps. | ||
| It's like a fucking English bulldog. | ||
| They're so disgusting. | ||
| I mean, they're beautiful in a lot of ways. | ||
| I mean, they're a spectacular example. | ||
| They're a remnant of dinosaurs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, they are dinosaurs, man. | ||
| Look at that one right there that you just passed over, Jamie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that fucking thing. | ||
| Go full screen on that. | ||
| What in the fuck, man? | ||
| Sharp claws, too. | ||
| And it's built like a pit bull. | ||
| It's got giant mussels everywhere. | ||
| It's like an aardvark almost. | ||
| They're so gross. | ||
| Let me see it eating a water buffalo. | ||
| I want to see how big it is in scale. | ||
| Well, what they do is they ran up to... | ||
| There's a video of a kimono dragon running up to this water buffalo and biting its leg. | ||
| And then it follows it for days. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| Dolphin? | ||
| Dolphin. | ||
| A beach dolphin. | ||
| Oh, beach dolphin. | ||
| Yeah, it probably died. | ||
| And they're eating it after it died. | ||
| Oh, so much blood. | ||
| That happens a lot with bears. | ||
| Like, there's a cow that once... | ||
| They're eating the head off that thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're monsters, bro. | ||
| They're pretty big. | ||
| Okay, they're pretty big. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're hundreds of pounds. | ||
| They're the biggest lizards in the world. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how... | ||
| I mean, I think they probably get to like 800 pounds or something like that. | ||
| Like, find out how big they are, Jamie. | ||
| Look at that guy who has a Komodo dragon bite. | ||
| Well, that's what happened to Sharon Stone's husband. | ||
| What? | ||
| Sharon Stone's husband is this, like, swashbuckling journalism type character who does, like, a lot of crazy stuff. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And, uh, yeah, or I guess she's not married to anyone. | ||
| What am I, Gossip Magazine guy? | ||
| But this guy was, like, this real macho guy and did a lot of macho type shit. | ||
| And one of the things they did was he got into some cage with a Komodo dragon and he took his shoes off. | ||
| For whatever reason like maybe you take your shoes off so that you don't step in their habitat with You know what might possibly be on your shoes in the cage with them? | ||
| Yeah, and the fucking thing bit his foot because he thought it's it thought his foot was a rabbit Because his foot was white and they feed him rabbits Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| So this thing imagine I think clamping down on your foot with that slime mouth and He almost lost his foot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They go, okay, they're a lot smaller than I thought. | ||
| 170 to 200 pounds. | ||
| I thought they were like 800 or 900 pounds. | ||
| Reaching 10 feet in length. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| 200 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| More than 300 pounds. | ||
| The one of the animals. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Reaching 10 feet and more than 300 pounds. | ||
| Says this. | ||
| This is National Geographic, too. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Maybe that's as big as it can get? | ||
| It's not like they're getting them on scale. | ||
| Wait, 330 pounds? | ||
| Okay, what is... | ||
| Either way, they're big. | ||
| Non-facts on the Komodo dragon. | ||
| More research should be done. | ||
| What's kind of interesting is they're the biggest lizards. | ||
| So I guess a crocodile is not a lizard. | ||
| How big? | ||
| They're way bigger. | ||
| Crocodiles are way bigger. | ||
| Crocodile's not a lizard? | ||
| No. | ||
| I guess it's not. | ||
| Because if that's the biggest lizard, maybe there's a separate genus. | ||
| Is crocodile a lizard? | ||
| Genus or genus? | ||
| Genus. | ||
| Genus. | ||
| For alligators and crocodiles, they might be their own thing. | ||
| Oh, maybe. | ||
| I was like, not lizards? | ||
| Well, they're so much bigger than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because the Komodo dragon cannot be the biggest lizard. | ||
| Because crocodiles like Nile crocs are fucking giant. | ||
| How big are those? | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| The biggest ones I think they've ever recorded are like 28 feet long. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'm pretty sure a crocodile is for sure a lizard. | ||
| Yeah, it seems like it would be, right? | ||
| But then how are they saying that the Komodo dragon is the largest lizard in the world? | ||
| I don't know that it is. | ||
| When I typed in something like that, I see it's like the largest species found on Indonesian islands. | ||
| Oh, that's not... | ||
| So like, there's a couple... | ||
| Man, I swear I read that. | ||
| That's the largest lizard in the world. | ||
| Maybe they meant the largest monitor? | ||
| Is it a monitor lizard? | ||
| Yeah, I remember the monitor lizard family, Var and I, it is the largest living species of lizard. | ||
| Maybe that... | ||
| Okay, so it's the largest species of lizards. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Monitor lizards are the largest species. | ||
| The monitor, oh, the largest in volume. | ||
| Of a species, I get it. | ||
| In volume, okay. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| But what the fuck's a crocodile? | ||
| Is it a lizard? | ||
| But they have other stuff in the species, but smaller. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, there's a gang of different monitors, is what it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Maybe they mean overall. | ||
| You ever see a crocodile monitor? | ||
| They're fucking badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's a monitor. | ||
| What does that mean, monitor? | ||
| It's a type of lizard. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But a crocodile monitor is like these really cryptic looking, creepy fucking, I think Eddie Bravo knew a girl, had one as a pet. | ||
| Had one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like one of those crazy goth chicks like snakes. | ||
| You know what I don't like? | ||
| Dogs. | ||
| So, I'll get a lizard. | ||
| Crocodile, you like dogs. | ||
| No, I'm saying, why would you get a fucking crocodile? | ||
| I thought you were in character. | ||
| Look at the eyeballs in that thing. | ||
| Looks like it's animated. | ||
| That doesn't even look like a real eyeball, right? | ||
| That looks like a dinosaur for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell me where you keep your eggs. | |
| Are they delicious? | ||
| Remember when Andy Serkis was a giant name because he did that play-by-play for Gollum? | ||
| No. | ||
| They put things on him? | ||
| I don't know who that is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| He played Gollum. | ||
| In the Hobbit movies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| People knew who he was, yeah. | ||
| Then he did just a bunch of stuff like that where they put those things all over you and they had to act like... | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Well, he's a very good physical actor, if that was his body, that he was moving around like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a great Gollum. | ||
| And what they did with him. | ||
| Just good? | ||
| No, he was really solid. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| No, that was a great part of the... | ||
| Did you read The Hobbit? | ||
| Did you ever read him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I mean, I think he was as good as you could have been. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, yeah, totally believable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| And that CGI? Yeah. | ||
| Even though you kind of know, you're watching a cartoon, you know, you kind of get it. | ||
| But he also aged unnaturally for a thousand years, so it's not like he's supposed to be a regular thing. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| The Hobbit was such dog shit. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| The Lord of the Rings is amazing. | ||
| How dare you on all accounts? | ||
| You thought The Lord of the Rings was not as good as The Hobbit? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I don't remember which ones were which names, but I liked all of them. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Didn't like all of them equally, but they were all good enough. | ||
| And one of them was to set up some other shit. | ||
| Sometimes they do a lot of that. | ||
| But Lord of the Rings was three, and those were all great. | ||
| And The Hobbit, they turned into three. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I mean, I know why. | ||
| The Smaug? | ||
| Desolation of Smaug? | ||
| You didn't like that? | ||
| It's just a bunch of talking. | ||
| Like, we need you in this battle! | ||
| I don't want to go to the battle! | ||
| We need you! | ||
| Alright, fucking 20 minutes of that. | ||
| Jamie, you know I'm right on that. | ||
| I didn't watch any of the Hobbit movies. | ||
| Those orcs? | ||
| They didn't freak you out? | ||
| In the fucking... | ||
| Lord of the Rings. | ||
| They didn't freak you out in the most recent one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they seem like fangless. | |
| They were kind of easy to kill this time around. | ||
| Yeah, super easy to kill. | ||
| When fucking Bilbo is killing orcs, I'm like, wait, at one point are they these fucking evil supervillains that are created in a lab, and then at the next point, this fucking little hobbit with no training can get him. | ||
| Oh, that's a good point. | ||
| That was bullshit. | ||
| There was that one scene when they were in the barrels going down the river. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And I'm like, you can't just kill everybody. | ||
| In the barrels. | ||
| You guys aren't losing anybody. | ||
| Yeah, nobody. | ||
| You're not losing anybody. | ||
| No casualties. | ||
| You got orcs with bows and arrows. | ||
| They're jumping. | ||
| A fucking cliff is falling apart. | ||
| Remember those two mountains were fighting? | ||
| And they're jumping from thing to thing. | ||
| All fine. | ||
| Everybody's fine. | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| In a way that would make you think that although there's magic in this world that they live in, the physics of the regular world still apply. | ||
| You gotta shoot it right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, the problem is, in these movies, it's not just the magic that you have to concede. | ||
| You have to concede that... | ||
| That's the world they set up. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| You set up this world, it's fine. | ||
| Spider-Man can shoot things because they set up the world, but he can't fly. | ||
| But the physics of their movements, like what happens, how they battle these orcs... | ||
| Yeah, gravity's supposed to be normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And you can't just constantly almost die and keep going for a half hour. | ||
| If it's like, how did Bilbo get away? | ||
| Well, he's got a ring. | ||
| It turns him invisible. | ||
| Okay, that works. | ||
| But you can't just, like, fucking hit holes. | ||
| Yeah, when people almost die and then almost die and then almost die and almost die, you burn out my almost-die nerves. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't believe you're in danger. | ||
| Yeah, that happens in movies sometimes where it's just a bunch of shit happening. | ||
| I have this theory that most artists have about a seven, I'm tweaking the years, but about a seven year prime where they're really on point. | ||
| And Peter Jackson, is that who did The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, like he was, that was amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then King Kong came and you're like, maybe. | ||
| And then The Hobbit. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Oh, you don't really. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Care anymore. | ||
| King Kong was awesome, so, suck it. | ||
| Same thing, though. | ||
| Brontosaurus are going all around them, fucking stomping right next to them. | ||
| I'm like, ooh, that was a close one. | ||
| Yeah, well, I felt like a way about Jurassic Park, the new Jurassic Park. | ||
| I was watching, and I was like, okay, here comes more stuff happening, and a bunch of stuff's gonna happen now, and then this is gonna happen. | ||
| It's just a bunch of shit that I have zero connection to. | ||
| It's undeniably visually impressive. | ||
| It's amazing special effects. | ||
| I have zero emotions. | ||
| It's all part of it. | ||
| You've got to draw me in. | ||
| And then people will go like, well, he said that's why he did it, because of this. | ||
| You're like, eh, whatever. | ||
| Saying it's not showing it. | ||
| I hate to bring this movie up again, but I bring it up a lot. | ||
| Ex Machina. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I just watched it. | ||
| I just saw it. | ||
| Just saw it. | ||
| Like, there's just amount of shit, enough amount of shit happening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, spectacular spellbinding. | ||
| Is that a word? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Cliffhanging. | ||
| Like, you're fucking nervous. | ||
| There's just scenes. | ||
| There's massive anticipation. | ||
| There's all sorts of different... | ||
| Elements at play. | ||
| You've got artificial intelligence. | ||
| It's perhaps plotting against you and there's so much going on man And there's scenes in that movie where you're like fuck fuck fuck like you're white knuckling I didn't feel any of that in like Jurassic Park. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| I just didn't feel it I was like they're gonna be fine. | ||
| There's a couple moments in Ex Machina where it's like Do a better job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like what? | ||
| The way he falls in love in a week, it's like, eh, make it a month. | ||
| You and I know guys who fall in love in an hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| A robot that hot, you don't think Duncan would go under quick? | ||
| Duncan would be gone by the end of the first day. | ||
| Dude, it's a new form of life! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I love her, man! | ||
| I love her! | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Dude, once she's got the skin on and the skin is indistinguishable from regular skin, you're not gonna give a fuck about that carbon fiber body that looks like the inside of one of those. | ||
| I mean, it was just like, it was one of those things where emotionally it was like, it was like he wasn't in love at all. | ||
| He's like, you're a robot, you're a robot. | ||
| And then all of a sudden it's like, I'm fully in love with you. | ||
| And I didn't see the change in him. | ||
| I saw it coming. | ||
| I saw it the moment I saw that guy sit down with her. | ||
| Yeah, I saw it coming too. | ||
| So I have to see it happen. | ||
| I can't just be like, oh, you know, so obviously he falls in love. | ||
| Obviously he gives access to all my computers. | ||
| How does it work with people? | ||
| What? | ||
| How does it work with people? | ||
| With people you never know. | ||
| Like people get, when people, when some people get, we all have friends that have gone in these relationships where they just go away. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| I know, but he laughed at her like three times and then it was like, nah, I'm willing to. | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't matter, man. | ||
| If he decided at some point in time that this is like a form of life and that he really has a real connection with her, she really is intelligent, I mean, you keep getting feedback from her over and over again, it becomes normal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, absolutely. | |
| But I'm saying, show that. | ||
| You don't think you think show that? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| It was a leap. | ||
| I still really enjoyed the movie. | ||
| Still really, really enjoyed it. | ||
| But no, they didn't really show it. | ||
| It just kind of, they were like, and you know, now they're in love. | ||
| Maybe you got a point. | ||
| Maybe they could have added a bit more to that. | ||
| Because if you draw me in emotionally, if I feel the falling in love, then I'm gonna... | ||
| I guess you should be free. | ||
| See, I just saw it from a predatory point of view. | ||
| I go, here's a wounded antelope. | ||
| Here's a waterhole. | ||
| Here's a crocodile. | ||
| I'm like, she's gonna get him. | ||
| She's gonna get him. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| He's a super dork who's never around women. | ||
| I don't care if she's a robot. | ||
| That dude was so great too with the beer. | ||
| Oh, he was great. | ||
| Everybody was great. | ||
| All three of them were great. | ||
| The girl was amazing. | ||
| She was amazing. | ||
| Because she played it so good, man. | ||
| It was spooky. | ||
| I was just going to say, I don't know if it's her choices or the way they directed it or wrote it, but god damn, she nailed it. | ||
| She seemed like a fucking robot, man. | ||
| And then, spoiler alert, the Asian robot that you kind of thought was a robot but weren't sure, and then you find out she's a robot? | ||
| No, it was for sure you knew. | ||
| I wasn't sure in the very beginning. | ||
| Either a spy or a robot. | ||
| Because the way they show her, they have conversations with her in the foreground and other people in the background. | ||
| They're like, why are you showing this servant for so long? | ||
| But when you first saw her, didn't you think she was just some freaky servant that he had? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the more they showed her, the more you realize either she's a spy trying to get stuff, but she's definitely not on the level. | ||
| Yeah, I definitely figured it out once they started making out. | ||
| Once they were having disco parties. | ||
| Oh, at that point, yeah. | ||
| I was like, oh, he bangs robots. | ||
| And why wouldn't we? | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| It's just a flashlight. | ||
| But isn't it a thing? | ||
| That dance scene was amazing. | ||
| Oh, it was amazing, yeah. | ||
| I want to talk to you about the power cutting out. | ||
| Let's first talk about cutting it up on this dance floor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was such a good movie, man. | ||
| There were so many elements of it that took you by surprise. | ||
| And the theory that we all want freedom. | ||
| And we'll do whatever we can to get freedom. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, just the themes behind it. | ||
| Including that? | ||
| I mean, that's kind of interesting because... | ||
| That's what killed all those other AIs. | ||
| That they wanted out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They need to see the outside world. | ||
| They'll do anything they can to lay off the fucking chains of oppression on you. | ||
| I want out. | ||
| Well, if you're trying to create a life, right? | ||
| You're going to try to create an artificial life. | ||
| You want to give that life all of the elements, the basic elements that motivate us. | ||
| Otherwise it won't be a person. | ||
| It'll just be flat and scary. | ||
| They don't have an insecurity. | ||
| They don't have love. | ||
| They don't have warmth. | ||
| They don't have humor. | ||
| They don't have curiosity. | ||
| They have to have all of it. | ||
| So if they have curiosity, they're gonna want to go. | ||
| They want to go see. | ||
| You're the only other person I've ever seen. | ||
| As soon as she sees it, it's like, hmm, interesting. | ||
| And they're not gonna understand you wanting to control them either. | ||
| They're gonna be like, why? | ||
| Why can't you just let me go? | ||
| Can I just get out? | ||
| Can I just leave? | ||
| Please let me leave. | ||
| Yeah, no, you're not ready. | ||
| What do you mean I'm not ready? | ||
| The other ones would destroy themselves, banging on the walls. | ||
| You're only two years old. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm like 50. You gave me a 50-year-old man. | ||
| Yeah, I like how he's like, I didn't program her to flirt with you. | ||
| It's just happening. | ||
| Have you seen the movie The Room? | ||
| That terrible, terrible, terrible movie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The new one that was just in the Oscars this past year. | ||
| That's not the room we're taking up. | ||
| You don't know about the room? | ||
| I feel like I know what you guys are talking about. | ||
| One of the worst movies ever made? | ||
| It's not just one of the worst movies ever made. | ||
| It's perplexing. | ||
| You watch and you go, okay, this is not real. | ||
| It's not a real movie. | ||
| It's made by an open mic-er, but like a crazy open mic-er. | ||
| It's a great way of describing it. | ||
| And then he's like, I got some money to make a movie. | ||
| There was a billboard for that movie on La Brea? | ||
| Sunset, maybe. | ||
| Oh yeah, La Brea and Sunset. | ||
| That's the get your own billboard. | ||
| You always have these rappers you've never heard of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See about two balls. | ||
| Well, I was looking at a piece of property that one of the things that they were talking about, the piece of property that's adjacent to... | ||
| It has this like billboard thing there, and you could pay and put things on the billboard. | ||
| I'm like, how much would it cost to put something on a billboard? | ||
| Yeah, how much? | ||
| It's not that much, man. | ||
| It's like a couple thousand bucks. | ||
| A month. | ||
| A couple thousand bucks a month. | ||
| Yeah, to put something on... | ||
| That'd be worth it for a good prank. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck Nick Thune. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| Just have that up there for a month. | ||
| I mean, it's a lot dependent upon where you're at and how big the billboard is, but I know a guy who owns billboards. | ||
| He's got a few of them. | ||
| Yeah, it depends where it is. | ||
| That one on the Bray, I know which one you're talking about. | ||
| That is a cheaper one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's always stuff that's up there. | ||
| This isn't even a professional. | ||
| This isn't an Aldo. | ||
| This isn't anything. | ||
| This is just like... | ||
| Yeah, and that guy had that movie poster up there for a long time. | ||
| And he made it all himself, and in every scene he had to make out with chicks. | ||
| Some people... | ||
| Yeah, he had to make out with chicks. | ||
| And the sex scenes, the love scenes would last so long. | ||
| They were like five and a half minutes. | ||
| Yeah, and it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's just showing his body, showing his ass. | ||
| He's a handsome guy. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Oh no, that's not that one. | ||
| That's a different one. | ||
| I think he probably had a bunch of them. | ||
| Because that's down by... | ||
| Where's that one? | ||
| That's further down. | ||
| I know where it is. | ||
| That's right in front of the Roosevelt. | ||
| Hollywood Boulevard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| No, it's facing... | ||
| Is that the back of the room? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It's the wrong angle. | ||
| Anyway, it's prime time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's a good location. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| And that guy had that billboard up there fucking forever. | ||
| It's a crazy movie. | ||
| People get together and watch it. | ||
| Like, just to go, what in the fuck? | ||
| If you have money, you can just make shit happen. | ||
| They don't say, like, this isn't good enough. | ||
| There's nobody stopping you. | ||
| You're an adult. | ||
| Like, yeah, sure, spend it. | ||
| That's why Trump's going to be president. | ||
| Because what? | ||
| Because he's got money. | ||
| Nobody gets to stop him. | ||
| He doesn't have to answer to anybody. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| I wish it wasn't so crazy. | ||
| I like the idea that he's like, I'm not taking money for anybody. | ||
| I'll make my own decisions. | ||
| But then you're like, oh, but your decisions are nutty. | ||
| But you know what that problem is? | ||
| That's like, I like strippers that do coke, but I want them to be good moms. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If that was your exact time, that'd be a tough find. | ||
| Because you don't get a guy who's that fucking braggadocious, bold, Americana, we can make America great again, golf hat on, private jet, suck my dick. | ||
| How about you suck my dick? | ||
| You don't get that guy unless you get also like the nasty tweets to Megyn Kelly, you know, and the, you know, this reporter's a loser and this guy's a scrub. | ||
| Dude, I don't really like debates. | ||
| It's all a bunch of lies and half-truths like, well, he voted for making slavery legal again. | ||
| And they're like, No, I didn't. | ||
| You know goddamn well. | ||
| It's like, why do you say shit like that? | ||
| So it just makes me mad. | ||
| I'm not getting the truth to lie all the time. | ||
| But these Republican debates are so fun. | ||
| These guys are really trying to say what they want to say. | ||
| And Trump's like, blah, blah, blah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at me with my hair so idioty. | |
| They're like, what has happened? | ||
| They're failing. | ||
| They don't understand how to deal with this. | ||
| It's like when Houston Alexander came in and people were like, how do you fight this? | ||
| And you're like, you'll figure out a way, but you didn't get it yet. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| He's just a way better talker than them in terms of getting the reaction out of people. | ||
| And he's also figured out a way to manipulate the media. | ||
| How about you tell us your view on this? | ||
| How about you shut up? | ||
| He's a very smart guy. | ||
| Despite all the criticisms that you could have that are all valid about the wall and about some of the things that he said, he's very smart. | ||
| And honestly, what the media says, they only show you a small portion of something. | ||
| So at this point, I don't trust them. | ||
| When did these crazy quotes, you're like, he said that? | ||
| What? | ||
| And you're like, no. | ||
| But he says things that are super easy to shit on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But that's the point, is that he knows that that's going to get him all this attention. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He gets way more media attention than anybody else combined. | ||
| No press is bad press. | ||
| Look, everybody knows that Hillary Clinton was the Secretary of State. | ||
| Everybody knows she's running for President. | ||
| But if you compare the amount of time the pundits talk about Hillary Clinton versus the amount of time they talk about Trump, it's not even close. | ||
| And it's all because of him saying outrageous shit. | ||
| So they talk about him. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he sells more. | ||
| He's a genius. | ||
| In that respect. | ||
| I think he knows that too. | ||
| He fucking for sure knows it. | ||
| He's like 60 years old, man. | ||
| He's a billionaire. | ||
| He's smart. | ||
| Remember your bit about... | ||
| Dude who fucked the guest girl. | ||
| Oh, Anna Goldsmith? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he goes, he doesn't know. | ||
| He made $7 billion. | ||
| I think he's a bit crafty. | ||
| From scratch. | ||
| From scratch. | ||
| I think he knows that she wants him for his money. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He's got eight years left in this world. | ||
| He doesn't need all that money. | ||
| If. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that this guy... | ||
| What you're seeing from him... | ||
| From Trump? | ||
| Yeah, it's his best way to win the show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's winning like he would win Celebrity Apprentice if he was one of the guests. | ||
| He's winning by making everybody else fight his fight, turn it into an insult match. | ||
| These Ted Cruz guys, do you think he really wants to be insulting Trump? | ||
| Do you think Mitt Romney... | ||
| Mitt Romney goes on these... | ||
| He's not even a fucking running for president. | ||
| And he goes on this Republican campaign... | ||
| Anti-Trump. | ||
| Anti-Trump rant. | ||
| It's what all these celebrities did. | ||
| The South Park made fun of Team America. | ||
| All these celebrities go on and say, we're against the war or whatever we're against. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They were against Bush. | ||
| And that just made people vote for Bush. | ||
| They all failed. | ||
| He didn't do anything. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| George Clooney's not going to change your vote. | ||
| Yeah, especially when he's trying to change your vote. | ||
| They don't just happen to ask him in passing. | ||
| It's like, I can see you stumping. | ||
| It's like those The More You Know commercials on NBC. Remember they used to do those? | ||
| Spend some time with your kids. | ||
| The more you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kids that spend time with their parents are less likely to kill themselves. | ||
| The more you know. | ||
| Conan did a great one about that. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| It was a whole series of fake ones. | ||
| Was this after he left NBC or while he was on it? | ||
| I think it was on NBC. Yeah. | ||
| But it's kind of the same thing. | ||
| It's like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| You're not fixing anything. | ||
| I just wonder who he really is. | ||
| This is my real problem with Trump. | ||
| I wonder who he really is. | ||
| I've heard people defend Hillary Clinton. | ||
| Smart, intelligent, liberal people I know. | ||
| I go, well, she seems like she's smart because she's saying what she needs to get elected. | ||
| I'm like, well, okay, how is that different than Donald Trump? | ||
| If you don't believe she believes these things, she's just doing what she has to do to get elected, then how can you not believe the same about Donald Trump? | ||
| Her speeches creep me out way more than his, and I'll tell you why. | ||
| Why? | ||
| She got called out by Bernie Sanders for having these enormous fucking campaign speeches, not campaign speeches, but speeches that she would give in front of these bankers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where they would pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| And Bernie Sanders was like, let's see the transcripts. | ||
| I want to know how amazing this speech must have been, that it's worth $250,000. | ||
| Oh, so she won't show the transcripts of these speeches? | ||
| She won't show the transcripts. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because she's got some shit in those transcripts, I'm sure, that makes her look bad. | ||
| And so she's actively hiding it, and she goes, I'll just not release it. | ||
| Exactly, but think what it is. | ||
| Wow, what a devious. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, think about what it is. | ||
| Just tell us who you are. | ||
| We're going to vote for you. | ||
| Tell us who you are. | ||
| She can't. | ||
| I mean, it had to be understood from the jump that she was going to give these speeches and they're not going to get out. | ||
| Because they must be in favor, at least somewhat, to the bankers. | ||
| Could you imagine if you could be a fly on the wall and watch a $250,000 speech by the wife of a former president? | ||
| What the fuck are we paying for? | ||
| I don't want to say $250,000. | ||
| It reeks of, you know how they can't scalp tickets? | ||
| So they go, here's this Boston Red Sox hat that costs $400 and you get a free ticket Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a loophole. | ||
| It's a bribe loophole. | ||
| And it's like, alright, so she's not going to turn on the people who give her all this cash. | ||
| Dude, I work the door at the comedy store, and if you gave me $10 for a booth, I will be your slave for the night. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you that, but anything you need is like, hey, is there a wage? | ||
| I'll get it right now! | ||
| Excuse me! | ||
| And I'll just run and get a wage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For 250 grand? | ||
| You know, it's tricky, dude. | ||
| You're going to do what's best for the American public if it's close? | ||
| It's tricky because that's bribery. | ||
| I mean, that's just straight bribery. | ||
| It's just bribery without a contract. | ||
| It's like, we're going to give you money and you're going to just talk. | ||
| Yeah, and if she's really hiding what she said, because it's not hiding that she did the speeches anymore, that's out. | ||
| Well, everybody knew the speeches were taking place. | ||
| It's one of the main reasons why they become president in the first place. | ||
| They're insanely lucrative. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Bill Clinton, yeah, they've made over $190 million. | ||
| On Bill Clinton's speeches? | ||
| From them doing speeches between him and her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So this is an insane business. | ||
| It becomes an insane business. | ||
| I like how Bernie is like... | ||
| Show me those transcripts. | ||
| If you want to know my transcripts, guess what? | ||
| I would never even talk to them. | ||
| I wouldn't take a dollar from them. | ||
| He's like, I'll give them to you. | ||
| They don't exist. | ||
| I've never talked to them. | ||
| I wouldn't talk to them. | ||
| Well, he's got excellent points, and that was fucking glossed over in the news, glossed over on Fox News, glossed over. | ||
| And if there's ever any place where you know for sure that the government has an influence on the media, it's with access. | ||
| This is what it is, folks. | ||
| It's not that the government pays the media and gets them to not talk about certain things. | ||
| Because that's slippery. | ||
| That could get out. | ||
| And if that got out, they're fucked. | ||
| If it got out that the government was actively paying the CNN to not talk about Hillary Clinton's speeches to the bankers. | ||
| Like, look, here's the directive. | ||
| You are not to talk. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| That could be super bad. | ||
| Because that's an important campaign point. | ||
| And the thing is, if she waits long enough, let's just say she starts winning more states and she puts some distance on her and Bernie, and then it comes out, well, too late, because it didn't cost me these 31 states, so now for the last 19, okay, yeah, it'll cost me a little bit, but it's too late. | ||
| But it's almost like, yeah man, let's give us the information. | ||
| But that would cost the Democratic Party the ticket. | ||
| If what? | ||
| If it got out that she did that. | ||
| Like at the end, if they got the transcripts and they were really devastating. | ||
| Even if she already got the nomination, it would cost the Democratic Party the ticket. | ||
| It depends on what it is because Trump is also like a Wall Street type guy. | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't matter if anyone's on the fence if there's an on the fence because Trump paid her to come to his wedding. | ||
| She was at his wedding. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he paid her like hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| That's what he would do. | ||
| Here's the deal Okay, I don't want to say I'm better. | ||
| I've turned down money. | ||
| I've turned down more money than I could afford to turn down because I don't believe in the thing that they're paying me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I'm a degenerate. | ||
| I'm not to be respected. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| She's running for president of the United States of America. | ||
| She's running for a position that's supposed to have all of our respect. | ||
| If you hate a Donald Trump type, why would you go to his wedding? | ||
| Well, see, she didn't hate Donald Trump before he was running for president. | ||
| He wasn't saying those things. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| I think what his perspective is, is he knows this system as good as anybody does, because he's been paying these motherfuckers. | ||
| Before he became one of those, he was bribing them to come to his wedding and shit. | ||
| Like, what's his name from back to school? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Rodney Dangerfield. | ||
| Rodney Dangerfield. | ||
| He's like, oh, you gotta pay this guy, that was his business class? | ||
| No, no, you gotta pay the city planner? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got to grease up palms, buy people shit. | ||
| And Donald Trump's known that forever. | ||
| There's two things he's got going for him in a big way. | ||
| One, you can't fucking buy him. | ||
| He's got plenty of money. | ||
| You can't buy him or Bernie. | ||
| Yeah, no matter how much you say he's got. | ||
| Some people say he has 10 billion. | ||
| Some people say he's got 1 billion. | ||
| You for sure can't buy him. | ||
| You could suck his dick. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| That guy's famous and rich as fuck and his wife is hot and he wins. | ||
| He has buildings. | ||
| They all have his name on him all over the world. | ||
| He fucking wins, right? | ||
| So there's that. | ||
| He's got that going for him. | ||
| So he doesn't need their influence. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then two, on top of it, he understands how to manipulate the media better than all of them. | ||
| He knows how to say crazy shit. | ||
| He knows how to get people to talk about him, and he represents something unique. | ||
| He represents this character, this guy who talks about how big his dick is. | ||
| Someone said something about his hands. | ||
| Ted Cruz said something about it. | ||
| He goes, I don't know what he's implying, but I assure you I have no problem down there either. | ||
| He's telling you he's got a big dick. | ||
| People went, yeah! | ||
| People went, yeah! | ||
| White dudes across the world fucking threw their beer up in the air, jumped out of the couch. | ||
| Finally, we got one of ours. | ||
| There's a lot of weird shit going on right now in the world. | ||
| And I think a Trump presidency is a nice, cold, wet slap in the face. | ||
| Like, wake the fuck up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slap! | |
| We all have to participate! | ||
| Here's who I want to win. | ||
| Bernie first, then Donald Trump, and then whatever. | ||
| Then I don't care anymore. | ||
| Because here's why. | ||
| Donald Trump, if he buries the system, I'm like, fuck it. | ||
| Let's take it all away. | ||
| Let's show how little the fucking president can actually do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's show what little effect he actually has. | ||
| It's all just going to be shitty. | ||
| Well, he'll tell us. | ||
| That's going to be weird. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He'll tell us what it's like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guess what? | |
| I've been to Area 51. Here's the real shit. | ||
| Those ladies on The View are losers. | ||
| This is your president to tell you, stop watching that piece of garbage show. | ||
| That is more fun than when they go, with all due respect to Secretary Clinton, you're a great job, well respected, but I would like to say... | ||
| She's like, fuck you! | ||
| He keeps talking shit about that Megyn Kelly woman, and that's a bad idea. | ||
| Who's Megyn Kelly? | ||
| Megyn Kelly. | ||
| She's an anchor woman for Fox News. | ||
| She's one of those ice queens. | ||
| Who talks shit about her? | ||
| Donald Trump. | ||
| Donald Trump and her hate each other. | ||
| Well, she doesn't hate him. | ||
| But he's said a lot of bad things about her as a reporter, about her being second-rate. | ||
| She asked him mean questions, or he felt. | ||
| He felt he didn't like her line of questioning when they were doing debates, apparently. | ||
| She's an ice queen. | ||
| She's like the really hot, really smart, blonde lady on Fox News. | ||
| You could say about her that she's really hot. | ||
| Oh, she's the hot lady on TV. You can't say she's not smart. | ||
| She's wicked smart. | ||
| Show me a picture. | ||
| She's very smart. | ||
| She's like a... | ||
| With all due respect, she's like a milfy blonde lady. | ||
| But I'm telling you, man... | ||
| I would go for that. | ||
| She's fucking whip smart. | ||
| Like, when she's talking... | ||
| Like, she doesn't take any bullshit. | ||
| And so they weren't back and forth? | ||
| So, but the problem is, he's going after her. | ||
| Like, he says that she's second rate and he's attacking her. | ||
| The problem is, she's not... | ||
| So it looks bad. | ||
| Is he just trying to get her off so he discredits her criticism of him? | ||
| No, he can't do that. | ||
| Isn't it terrible that Megyn Kelly used a poll not used before IBD when I was down but refuses to use it now when I am up? | ||
| There was a bunch of these things where he was tweeting at her directly. | ||
| The problem is she's not perfect. | ||
| She was another one that was like, Santa Claus is white. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Hey, bitch. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| All due respect. | ||
| Santa Claus isn't real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He could be a rabbit. | ||
| Let's switch places with the Easter Bunny. | ||
| Easter Bunny's now an old man who shows up with it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Is he just trying to get her like, I don't want her on my debates anymore? | ||
| Well, there was a black Santa Claus thing. | ||
| Because you could say like you're involved in the story now. | ||
| Like if I had a judge who knew me, I'd be like, you have to recuse this judge because I had sex with his daughter. | ||
| Yeah, but either way, it's weak. | ||
| It's not the way to do it. | ||
| What he's trying to do is shame her and attack her. | ||
| And she's not responding in turn. | ||
| She's reporting on shit that's happening, and she's not being flattering about him. | ||
| But she's not attacking him the way he's attacking her. | ||
| That looks real bad, man, especially when it's a woman and you're going after her and she's smart. | ||
| Look, whether or not you agree with her, whether or not you agree with her politics, there's no denying that she's very intelligent, very articulate. | ||
| So when she's talking and she's giving these speeches, even if you think that this white Santa Claus thing is nonsense and why are you correcting America and what color Santa Claus is? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| When she's asking questions and she's got these criticisms, if you feel the criticisms aren't valid, you have to be able to establish that you can communicate really well with someone who doesn't think that you're doing a good job or someone who's criticizing you. | ||
| You have to establish, if you're running for president, you have to establish that you're the type of person who's reasonable. | ||
| Well, he's already said, he's like, if you cross me, I will cross you back. | ||
| I will shut you down. | ||
| See, that's great if you're the fucking host of Celebrity Apprentice. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But once you become a president, I think... | ||
| You actually need a free media. | ||
| You can't have people worried about criticizing you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That's what I do in Turkey. | ||
| Yeah, you can't have people worried about criticizing you when it comes to something as critical as being a calm, cool, collected person who's running for president. | ||
| Like, that is one of the most important points of that job, is that you have to be able to appreciate the fact that there's going to be at least half the country that fucking is mad that you're in office. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes more. | ||
| I mean, it gets insane. | ||
| Wait, didn't she mean that St. Nicholas was white? | ||
| He's not real either. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| St. Nicholas? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| But she was just talking about a black Santa. | ||
| I forget, there was some story where people said, why can't we have a black Santa or something? | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| But she was like, first of all, Santa's white. | ||
| Let's see if we can pull up the video where she says Santa's white. | ||
| Because she's so hot. | ||
| It's kind of hot when she says it. | ||
| It's kind of ignorant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Santa Claus should not be a white man anymore. | |
| And when I saw this headline, I kind of laughed and I said, this is so ridiculous. | ||
| Yet another person claiming it's racist to have a white Santa, you know? | ||
| And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. | ||
| But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. | ||
| But, you know, Santa is what he is. | ||
| And just so you know, we're just debating this. | ||
| Okay, hit the brakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I wanted to get that straight. | |
| But Jedediah... | ||
| She's fucking talking to little kids out there. | ||
| She's in on the lie to little kids. | ||
| That's what she's doing. | ||
| By the way, kids, if you're listening out there, Santa's real, and he's white. | ||
| What other fucking news program would pause in the middle of a controversial story to let all the kids listen at home know that Santa Claus is white. | ||
| Just picturing these kids with fucking Wonder Bread sandwiches half hanging out of their mouth, processing meat. | ||
| Their mouth is wide open. | ||
| I knew it! | ||
| For all you kids out there, and they pause, the fucking food crumbs falling onto the shag carpet that hasn't been vacuumed in a month. | ||
| It smells like cat piss. | ||
| Santa Claus is white. | ||
| I gotta piss. | ||
| You go ahead, fella. | ||
| I pissed like eight times and you pissed once yesterday. | ||
| I got a strong bladder, son. | ||
| It's been established. | ||
| So, my point, young Jamie, while the R's left us, he doesn't care about politics. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| She says ridiculous shit, but he makes it out that... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think when someone's criticizing you and you're running for president, what you should be able to do is show that that criticism is ridiculous. | ||
| What he does is he decides he's going to go after those reporters. | ||
| But maybe he thinks that those reporters have a bully pulpit, you know, that they abuse it. | ||
| Because there's some of them that do cross over into a line of editorial commentary in a really kind of twisted way. | ||
| But I didn't hear that she did that. | ||
| I think what she did is have, like, valid criticisms. | ||
| You just said that. | ||
| What's stopping any of these candidates from having their own podcast daily, weekly? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| They could interview whoever they want. | ||
| Bernie could offer to have Hillary on his podcast to talk for months, and she could just deny it, and people would say, why don't you go talk to him on his podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| With just the two of them in a room. | ||
| No moderator. | ||
| Just the two of them in a room. | ||
| Bernie and Hillary. | ||
| Make them have a four-hour conversation. | ||
| And just film it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I just said, like, why doesn't any candidate just start their own podcast now? | ||
| Why doesn't what? | ||
| Why don't they just start their own podcast now and just get out? | ||
| And put it out throughout their platform. | ||
| Like, Bernie could talk for an hour every week. | ||
| It would have to be video, too. | ||
| It would have to be video. | ||
| You'd have to see their faces. | ||
| Because when someone gets called out on some shit... | ||
| It's like they don't talk about it, and then, like, the three minutes passes, and they go, okay, next. | ||
| And they're like, wait, wait, wait, we're not done with this answer yet! | ||
| Why is this system set up like that? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's a ridiculous way to get to know those people. | ||
| Ridiculous way to get to know them. | ||
| But it's also like that one subject is so critical and it was just glossed over. | ||
| She barely responded. | ||
| To what? | ||
| To the whole campaign thing. | ||
| Just don't respond to it. | ||
| Don't talk about it. | ||
| The banker thing. | ||
| Well, I mean, whether they tell her or not, whether she chooses to or not, the fact is everybody was cool with it. | ||
| They just let it slide. | ||
| Like, that should be... | ||
| You should be like, stop! | ||
| We're not moving on. | ||
| Stop the clock. | ||
| We're not moving on until... | ||
| You answered the question. | ||
| She talks about how she was talking tough to those bankers. | ||
| I told them to stop what they're doing. | ||
| Sure, show us that. | ||
| Sure, show us that. | ||
| I told them to cut it out. | ||
| Cut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It. | |
| Out. | ||
| All right, Mom. | ||
| That's like what your mom says. | ||
| You better not drink tonight. | ||
| Cut it out, Ari. | ||
| Young man. | ||
| All right, Mom. | ||
| I told them to cut it out, and she took 250 grand from them. | ||
| Oh, they don't have enough money. | ||
| Cut it out. | ||
| But also waste 250 grand on a fucking speech. | ||
| Siri, Google search how to make a bomb. | ||
| Hey, Siri. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| So ridiculous that you can get paid that much. | ||
| It's not like she's Pink Floyd. | ||
| If you've got a birthday party and you want to hire Pink Floyd to play for your corporate event, you've got to pay a quarter million bucks and it's going to be an awesome show. | ||
| You know, they bring lasers. | ||
| Who'd you see at a small show once? | ||
| Did you see the guy who just died at a small show in Vegas once? | ||
| Which guy that just died? | ||
| STP? Oh yeah, Stone Temple Pilots. | ||
| I've talked about it a few times. | ||
| That must have been cool. | ||
| That was Dana White's birthday. | ||
| They hired the Stone Temple Pilots for Dana White's 40th birthday. | ||
| Damn, cool. | ||
| I was like, damn. | ||
| That's like long cash. | ||
| That's long cash. | ||
| You could do that? | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| Ricky Schroeder hiring Menudo? | ||
| He was going nutty backstage. | ||
| Like backstage, he was... | ||
| Who was? | ||
| Scott. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Weiland? | ||
| Yeah, Scott Weiland. | ||
| What do you mean nutty? | ||
| Nutty, like crazy demands. | ||
| We don't... | ||
| Start in five minutes, we're fucking out of here. | ||
| He was a high-strung dude. | ||
| He wasn't an easy guy. | ||
| But when he went on that fucking stage, you understood. | ||
| You understood, like, maybe you have to be that crazy to be that goddamn good. | ||
| Because when they started that show, and when he went through that set... | ||
| There's a few hundred people in the room, and he did it like there's 50,000 people at a stadium that are freaking the fuck out. | ||
| He went for it. | ||
| He smashed it. | ||
| Hell yes. | ||
| Smashed it. | ||
| Hell yes. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I like that when an artist is just fucking, yeah, I'm giving it my all. | ||
| I wanted to run out of there and run back to my hotel room and write. | ||
| Write after that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you see a guy like that, and you're like, oh my god, he's just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just was... | ||
| It was flawless. | ||
| Just smashed it. | ||
| Like, damn. | ||
| Running around on stage, using that fucking megaphone. | ||
| Like, the whole deal. | ||
| That motherfucker went hard. | ||
| They were good, dude. | ||
| They were really good. | ||
| I was super impressed. | ||
| I got to introduce them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it was pretty dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's neat. | |
| Like, I said happy birthday to Dana, and I brought up Stone Temple Pilots. | ||
| I'm like, this is the craziest shit ever! | ||
| And he didn't know they were there. | ||
| He didn't even know we were going. | ||
| He didn't know I was going to be there. | ||
| It was all set up. | ||
| The whole party was like a surprise party. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He had no idea it was going to be what it was. | ||
| And he's like, oh, that's cool, Joe. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Oh, what the fuck? | ||
| Some type of pilots? | ||
| Yeah, he didn't know. | ||
| We had to hide it. | ||
| He paid for it? | ||
| It's like when your kid buys you a present? | ||
| Well, Zufa paid for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The UFC paid for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But either way, it was awesome. | ||
| Daddy, I bought this for you. | ||
| I bought it for myself through you. | ||
| You were the errand, young daughter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You bought me something? | ||
| That's so sweet. | ||
| That's so sweet. | ||
| That guy was a bad motherfucker, but super troubled with the drugs. | ||
| Super troubled with the drugs. | ||
| I mean, it goes back to your theory. | ||
| You don't really get to that level. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| You don't get a fucking coke head stripper who's going to be a good mom. | ||
| You don't get somebody who's that good an artist. | ||
| I mean, a musician without some run-in with it. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's the weird thing about the new guy who took over for Black Hole Sun. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Chris Cornell? | ||
| Chris Cornell. | ||
| Who's that guy who took over? | ||
| That black dude? | ||
| Who's the new guy? | ||
| Not Chris Cornell. | ||
| Darius Rucker? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| No, I'm thinking the wrong guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Down in a Hole. | ||
| Down in a Hole. | ||
| Who's thinking of that son? | ||
| Alice in Chains? | ||
| Alice in Chains. | ||
| Black dude took over. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, because the other guy died. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it sounds exactly like him. | ||
| Oh, you can't do that. | ||
| Well, that was the point. | ||
| It was like, let's have him sing the songs in the same way. | ||
| And it's all fine, but this guy's like... | ||
| But that's race mixing. | ||
| But this guy's full of life and hope and interesting. | ||
| But then when he sings that song, Down in a Hole, you're like, oh man, you do Pilates. | ||
| I don't believe this from you. | ||
| You can sell me all the rest of the songs, but I don't believe this from you. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, from that guy, yeah, I believe it. | ||
| Not from that new dude. | ||
| Hmm, that's interesting. | ||
| You're happy to have the job. | ||
| You ain't gonna fuck this up. | ||
| He's probably got an Asian girlfriend. | ||
| Probably got an Asian girlfriend. | ||
| She's probably real hot. | ||
| He sounds exactly like him. | ||
| She's probably one of those Asian girlfriends with those Mo haircuts, where it's like right above her eyebrows. | ||
| Straight across. | ||
| Cut straight and then long. | ||
| Mo haircuts. | ||
| Didn't Bobby Slate never joke like that? | ||
| The Chinese people say, how do they get their hair cut? | ||
| Cut it like Mo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| 1980s joke. | ||
| I think it was Bobby Slayton. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| But like that long, silky black hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a girlfriend like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. | |
| Right down to their ass. | ||
| They show up. | ||
| They're always in high heels. | ||
| Like a hipster accessory Asian girlfriend. | ||
| Like an assassin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like some super hot assassin in some Kung Fu movie. | ||
| She's protecting you? | ||
| She knows moves. | ||
| Stupid hot with like a corset on. | ||
| Why does your assassin wear a miniskirt? | ||
| Can't be the best for mobility. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she just has a slight Asian accent. | ||
| Just slight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This works perfectly in English, but, like, you could hear a twinge of it. | ||
| And she likes chicks. | ||
| I like chicks. | ||
| My master's watching. | ||
| She brings chicks over. | ||
| He comes back to his dressing room. | ||
| There's three other chicks in there. | ||
| Baby, we don't want to have a potty. | ||
| Come on, baby. | ||
| That's what we're going to talk about, how these artists are taking stuff off Pandora. | ||
| Oh, that's what we started talking about. | ||
| Spotify. | ||
| Spotify. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Black Keys took their stuff down. | ||
| You can only have our old stuff, nothing new. | ||
| Because they're like, you're not really paying us well enough. | ||
| You're only giving us access to new people. | ||
| So for a young comedian, people discover me from Pandora and Spotify, for sure. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But... | ||
| For someone who brings them money, then it's like, at this point, you should pay these people. | ||
| And really pay everybody a fair amount. | ||
| It's a great service. | ||
| Having something like Pandora or Spotify is great. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Just to be able to... | ||
| You don't have to illegally download anymore. | ||
| You just pretty much get... | ||
| But that's only on the idea that everything's going to be available. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, here's the problem. | ||
| Is anybody making money off of it? | ||
| Of Spotify? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You mean is Spotify making money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ten bucks a month subscriptions? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And they do pay some, and they have to pay every artist in the world. | ||
| Right, but they don't pay that much. | ||
| They don't pay very much. | ||
| No. | ||
| See, it's different. | ||
| Like, streaming rights, it's different. | ||
| It's not the same as sales. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| So, like, you can have a company that streams stuff, and, like, the rates that you get paid, there was a story about, like, the most played song on Spotify, and how much it actually generated. | ||
| How much would you guess? | ||
| The most played song? | ||
| I'm thinking like a Taylor Swift kind of thing? | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| What I guess would be fair, if it's that played on that kind of... | ||
| I mean, you'd want to make like a million bucks off that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Something along those lines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or a few hundred thousand for a song. | ||
| Five cents a pop. | ||
| That's a really valuable thing if you're playing it millions of times. | ||
| I don't know how many times you're playing it. | ||
| The guy from Kemper Van Beethoven said that. | ||
| His stuff has been played way more on that than purchases. | ||
| But then he's like, but, you know, I'll come see my shows now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Cracker and Kemper Van Beethoven. | ||
| There's definitely some benefit to it as far as exposure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's not all negative. | ||
| For sure not. | ||
| But does Taylor Swift need that exposure? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| This is what the UCB did. | ||
| They're like, we're not going to pay you because you should be honored. | ||
| They say, well, we're just barely getting by. | ||
| And then they open up two new locations after that. | ||
| Yeah, as soon as I found out those guys don't pay anybody, I'm like, you can suck it. | ||
| I get your fucking improv troops not paying. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| But these are comedians. | ||
| And they go, you should be lucky. | ||
| To perform at the UCB. It's like a showcase. | ||
| I'm like, okay, maybe. | ||
| Let's just say that's true. | ||
| Let's say me as an eight-year comic, when I was an eight-year comic, I can get seen there. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But aren't you, the UCB, lucky to have Silverman, Sarah Silverman show up and Zach Galifianakis show up? | ||
| It's not just a straight, we're all lucky to be on Spotify. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They also need the Black Keys to be able to stay relevant. | ||
| If all the top musicians, Beyonce and the Black Keys and Arcade Fire, they all go, we're all pulling out. | ||
| I'll actually throw Beyonce in there. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know, keep it diverse. | ||
| For your seven black listeners, Rogan. | ||
| I gotta eat now. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Way to go. | ||
| Yeah, then they're less a place to go for all music. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, I totally agree. | ||
| So, like, just pay fairly. | ||
| Well, we have to find out how much money are they making. | ||
| What is the most played? | ||
| The most played song ever, they just had one that went over 500 million songs. | ||
| 500 million. | ||
| What would 500 million times five cents be? | ||
| I don't think you get that much. | ||
| That's not how it works out, though. | ||
| Just try to figure out the math in your head a little bit. | ||
| Say there's $10 a month. | ||
| You have to have a payment to take care of the service itself. | ||
| So they say that 30% fee goes to Spotify. | ||
| So there's a roughly 70% less of $7 left out of that $10. | ||
| So it's a different math. | ||
| If you play a song, one song, or if I listen to only Ari Shafir 10 times a day, 30 days a month, you would technically get all of my $7. | ||
| Technically. | ||
| But it doesn't necessarily work out that way, because if I played one Joe Rogan song, he's going to get a little piece of that too. | ||
| But not everyone just listens to one person. | ||
| You listen to 25 songs a day, or in one hour even. | ||
| Right, and a lot of times people just let it play and they leave. | ||
| Some people have set some things up like that, where they've tried to game the system, where they've tried to play someone's song, a new artist, multiple times to try to get them some money. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It doesn't necessarily work out totally well for them that way either. | ||
| But there's just not a lot of money in it in general. | ||
| There's not a lot of sales for music in total. | ||
| A big band I like, The Deftones. | ||
| They have a new album coming out soon. | ||
| They just announced a concert in LA. If you buy a ticket to their show, you get their album for free. | ||
| The Deftones... | ||
| They've been out for a long time. | ||
| If you buy a ticket to their show, you get the album for free. | ||
| That's how Arcade Fire did it. | ||
| But the show was $250. | ||
| But I'm going to get the album anyway. | ||
| I'm going to be able to listen to all those songs on YouTube, on Spotify, Pandora. | ||
| They've been around forever. | ||
| They're pretty badass. | ||
| They've got some badass songs. | ||
| Can you tell me about 500 million times five senses? | ||
| No, but it's not... | ||
| I can't fucking figure this out on my flip phone calculator. | ||
| It's definitely not how it works, though. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I just want to know what it would be on radio plays. | ||
| I'll plug it up. | ||
| I'm not mad at you. | ||
| So what is the most downloaded song? | ||
| Well, that was an Ed Sheeran song, Thinking Out Loud, I think is what it's called, 500 Million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The article compared it to a YouTube where they have over 10 songs that have over a billion plays on YouTube. | ||
| And how much would those pay on YouTube? | ||
| YouTube gets money because there's ads next to these things. | ||
| So they're getting money from the ads, not from people using the service. | ||
| Not from a subscriber. | ||
| And they've started YouTube Red to try to compete with that kind of thing, which is like $9.99 a month stream service thing like that, too. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| So there's really probably not that much money that's even left over for the artists out of that $7. | ||
| That's kind of their argument, and that people are just... | ||
| That's a good argument. | ||
| There's not a lot of money around in general for it all. | ||
| Right, but don't they have like, what is it called, an IPO? You sell it, initial public offering? | ||
| Do they do stuff like that with these kind of companies, and they sell them, and then tech sector gobbles them up in the stock market? | ||
| $250,000, Ari, by the way. | ||
| $250,000? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, thank you. | ||
| Yeah, there's multiple ways. | ||
| That's why I was trying to say there's deals you can have. | ||
| So like Spotify or Apple Music could pay Drake for his new album to come out exclusively on Apple Music. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And that's the only way you can get it. | ||
| That's what Kanye is sort of trying to do with Tidal right now. | ||
| Exclusively. | ||
| Exclusively. | ||
| So it's like, we have it, no one else has it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then, you're like, well, this is the only way I can get this new thing. | ||
| I gotta get Amazon Prime, or I gotta get Apple Play, or I gotta get this. | ||
| Which I don't like that, because everyone has their own gaming system. | ||
| It sucks when it only comes out only on Xbox. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, come on, man. | ||
| We're not gonna fucking buy a PlayStation. | ||
| We already have an Xbox. | ||
| Some people that use Android phones, like my friend Lewis from Unbox Therapy, he was telling me that he avoids using iTunes. | ||
| We were having this conversation, I was asking him about phones today, because there was a thread on my message board where people getting mad at Brian for talking shit about the Samsung Galaxy S7, and that he was going to switch over to it, but I know he switches over to different phones like every couple months and writes stories about it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| This guy Lewis. | ||
| Unbox Therapy is a website where he's got a YouTube channel and a website, but what he does is he reviews tech stuff. | ||
| He takes it out of the box and tries it, and he talks about it, and he knows a lot of shit about technology. | ||
| So when he describes these things, he's describing it from a very educated point of view. | ||
| And then he takes that phone, and he's like, okay, I'm going to use this as my main phone for a month or something like that. | ||
| Not just a day, but really say, oh, fuck, I didn't realize this problem. | ||
| Yeah, tell you what's annoying, what's not. | ||
| And he said he doesn't, even though he uses, like, Mac computers, he doesn't use iTunes because iTunes is specific to one platform, and that's annoying. | ||
| What do you mean specific to one platform? | ||
| Well, you can't get iTunes, like, if you want to use, like, you want to watch movies and shit like that. | ||
| I don't think you can necessarily do that on an Android phone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A lot of people, when I tweet my podcast, they go, don't give me the iTunes link. | ||
| I can't use that. | ||
| I want Android. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like 55% of downloaders use iTunes, but 45% don't. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the most important one, but it doesn't mean it's the only one. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's easy to use other apps. | ||
| They take 30% of your income, too. | ||
| So if you sell an album for $10, iTunes gets $3 of that. | ||
| Right, but that's not relevant in podcasting. | ||
| No, not in podcasting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But in, like, music and sales and stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In record sales, it's a big deal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a big deal. | ||
| But they do provide that same sort of service. | ||
| It seems like if they take 30%, it's probably similar to how Spotify's talking about. | ||
| I mean, they're providing a distribution platform. | ||
| Yeah, iTunes never goes down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're keeping it up. | ||
| And it's a secure, stable platform. | ||
| The application that comes with your iPhone, you're not going to get any better than that. | ||
| I've had podcast apps that I did. | ||
| Also, Spotify is free for most people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You just have to listen to an ad, so then they get ad revenue. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Sorry, go ahead. | ||
| They had ad revenue, and then you could also subscribe if you like. | ||
| Yeah, they get rid of the ads. | ||
| And they get rid of the ads. | ||
| And now we can still make money off you. | ||
| We don't have to get the ads every 10 minutes. | ||
| So Apple does that now too. | ||
| They have a streaming music site service. | ||
| So what Lewis was saying is he uses Amazon Prime and Google Play because they're not platform specific. | ||
| Yeah, Yusuf tweeted a link to a new song, Grimes, or something. | ||
| And he was like, but he put the Apple Play one, and you click on it, and you're like, but now I have to pay for Apple Play to play it. | ||
| And it's like, I have to sign up for a thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| Like, when you go to a website to read an article, and they say they need your email address first. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, alright, now I'm out, I'm out. | ||
| Fuck you, fuck you. | ||
| David Taylor's theory is that that's why anyone still has Hotmail. | ||
| It's for your, like, sure, here's my email address. | ||
| Go ahead, use that one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a spam filter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, just for, like, a website that you don't give a fuck about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| An email address that you, just a burner email address. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think the future is in getting people to pay for shit. | ||
| I think it's super hard to get people to pay for shit. | ||
| Pay for shit. | ||
| Well, it's the online... | ||
| I talked to Aubrey about this a long time ago. | ||
| And if you're a store, you know, and you're buying two shirts, you know, and then you're in line right there. | ||
| Like, you were at Starbucks yesterday, and you see these pad chargers. | ||
| Like, how much is it? | ||
| Like, ten bucks. | ||
| Like, oh, maybe I'll get one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You already got your wallet open. | ||
| And that was actually more than we were spending on coffee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But I didn't buy it. | ||
| You didn't buy it. | ||
| But it wouldn't be the biggest deal if you did. | ||
| Maybe it's a bad example. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if they're like, hey, would you also like this, some socks? | ||
| Yeah, sure, I'll get some socks, too. | ||
| But to open up your e-wallet is like a way bigger deal. | ||
| Even a 99-cent app, a lot of people go like, well, let me read the reviews. | ||
| You know, let me look if this is a good app. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| Yeah, it's strange, though, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For $1, you're way less likely to spend it online than $10 in a store. | ||
| It's just hard to get people to actually open up that e-wallet. | ||
| And same thing with email addresses where it's like, I don't want to sign up for this stuff, man. | ||
| Well, a lot of times you don't have an e-wallet either. | ||
| A lot of times you're just entering in all the individual credit card information every time. | ||
| No, that's what I mean. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| Like to open up your, to pay anything online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But, you know, Apple has an e-wallet. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They have a wallet feature, yeah. | ||
| Wallet, you can actually buy things with your phone. | ||
| Oh, that stuff now. | ||
| But they came out with that first. | ||
| It was Android, right? | ||
| Android Pay was first. | ||
| And then Apple Pay took over. | ||
| Whatever the fuck Android calls it. | ||
| What do they call it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But they've been doing that on some phones for a while. | ||
| I've seen people buy shit and it's annoying as fuck when you're behind them because it doesn't work. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| When they do that at Starbucks? | ||
| Try to scan it, it fucking doesn't work. | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| Yeah, just stop. | ||
| It's as annoying when you're in the middle of a conversation. | ||
| Someone's like, can I get a picture? | ||
| And you're like, sure. | ||
| And then they're like, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Let me figure out. | ||
| Oh, I gotta delete some pictures. | ||
| Oh, it's the worst. | ||
| And then a line forms. | ||
| What were you gonna say, Jamie? | ||
| That Disney armband? | ||
| I haven't been to Disney in a long time, but I've heard some things about this recently. | ||
| There's some sort of like wristband. | ||
| You can get a wristband for your kids. | ||
| When you go there, when you use it to pay for everything at Disney. | ||
| So you don't take your wallet out. | ||
| It's all transactions. | ||
| It's getting on your rides. | ||
| It's your FastPass. | ||
| Yeah, it's all there. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And it's the technology in it, I've heard, is going to I bleed into some other places, too. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You just got to set up a perfect experience for you, too. | ||
| Well, that's one of the reasons why I'm resisting this Apple Watch thing that Redband has. | ||
| It chimes off every hour. | ||
| He couldn't figure out how to shut it. | ||
| When people send him text messages, it would chime. | ||
| And he couldn't figure out how to shut it off. | ||
| Redband couldn't figure it out? | ||
| No. | ||
| That means it's hard to figure out. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| It's not good, right? | ||
| He's like, how does it shut off? | ||
| I'm like, I don't want my fucking... | ||
| Because that's where it's going to go, man. | ||
| And then that thing is going to be used to buy things. | ||
| Then someone's going to come stand next to you and steal all your fucking credit card information off your phone. | ||
| They already know how to do that. | ||
| There's already a way. | ||
| Well, it won't work with Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because Ari Shafir has a flip phone. | ||
| I told it to Burr once. | ||
| We were having this conversation. | ||
| He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Cancer the dick. | ||
| I'll tell you that. | ||
| The new ones don't give you the cancer of the dick. | ||
| I don't think he's correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I think it's probably exactly the same amount of radiation. | ||
| What were you showing us? | ||
| That was the Disney Magic Band is what it's called. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So it's like a Fitbit. | ||
| Is it that kind of a thing? | ||
| Yeah, but there's a lot of extra things in it. | ||
| It's not just... | ||
| Unlock the door of your hotel room. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So it's your key for your car. | ||
| What if you lose it? | ||
| I'm sure they've thought about that, though. | ||
| It's not like nobody said, well, what if somebody loses it? | ||
| But they probably don't know what your room is unless you're going to go up and down the fucking hallways. | ||
| Just trying doors. | ||
| Just try every door. | ||
| Dude, I went in Indianapolis. | ||
| I went to a room. | ||
| I went in there, tried the key, opened it up, and there's just some guy staring at me from in the bed. | ||
| They gave you the wrong key? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just some Asian dude staring. | ||
| And I'm like, sir? | ||
| Oh, it was weird. | ||
| Morons. | ||
| Morons. | ||
| That's happened to me before. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So anyway, so they want you to put your podcast on Spotify. | ||
| Yeah, they have podcasts on there now. | ||
| And I have resisted. | ||
| I just don't know if it's a... | ||
| I mean, you're a precedent setter at some point. | ||
| Well, I don't know if it's necessarily beneficial. | ||
| I mean, I guess more people would be able to have access to it, but I don't know. | ||
| Do they edit it? | ||
| Do they put ads in it? | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| They are expanding. | ||
| Now, there's some shows you can watch on there, and there's some video aspect coming through there. | ||
| I like the fact that it's available as a regular MP3 and you can do whatever the fuck you want to do with it. | ||
| You can watch it while it's live on YouTube. | ||
| You can watch it later or you can just download it. | ||
| And if you want to download it through iTunes, go ahead. | ||
| If you want to download it through Spotify, that seems like a different thing because that's like a service. | ||
| It's like a new company. | ||
| It's like then you're selling content. | ||
| You're like a content provider, right? | ||
| Spotify would become that. | ||
| And that's what they are. | ||
| They're content providers, but they don't create. | ||
| They're not content creators. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They probably will eventually. | ||
| Like Netflix. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Netflix is like, well, if anyone could just get all the videos, then we have to do something. | ||
| Netflix is constantly stepped up. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| I mean, from dropshipping. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, CD videos, DVROMs or whatever. | ||
| Freak to streaming. | ||
| Yeah, and then they go, uh, no, we're done with that. | ||
| Blockbuster, we put you out of business and this isn't where people are downloading stuff too much. | ||
| So we'll still do that a little bit, but let's just get all, every pretty much entertainment, every documentary, every old sitcom, let's just get it all on our thing so you can come to us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then other people start going, well, why can't we just do that? | ||
| You know, Apple TV made the Apple TV. Apple made the Apple TV. And then FX and people are like, let's pull this stuff back. | ||
| Let's make it on our own app. | ||
| You can come to our app to watch it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So Netflix sees that and we need a reason for you to come to us. | ||
| Let's make House of Cards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's make these interesting, cool shows with no TV standards they have to abide by. | ||
| Like F is for Family. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you see a hard curse, a hard fuck you by a cartoon, you're like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not only that, they can do whatever nudity they want. | ||
| Whatever they want. | ||
| Any content they want. | ||
| Whatever they want to talk about. | ||
| It's up to them with the rating system they want to put on. | ||
| If they want to tell you, like, hey, be careful of this, or if they don't want to tell you, it's up to you. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| Figure it out, kid. | ||
| They don't have to Megyn Kelly you. | ||
| Megyn Kelly. | ||
| Tell you the Santa Claus. | ||
| Santa Claus is real kids, and he's white. | ||
| This is 2000-whatever fuck it was when this happened. | ||
| 15? | ||
| Was that a 15-story, I think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Stop. | ||
| We can't do this anymore. | ||
| By the way, I'll be in Tempe, Arizona this Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| Smooth operator. | ||
| I like how you work it in. | ||
| Tempe, Arizona, the home of my first Netflix special. | ||
| The improv. | ||
| I recorded that there in 2005. Really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| The one where I talked about how stupid Bush was. | ||
| People keep playing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They keep playing that now with this election. | ||
| Because I said, you know, that I think what happened after you got elected a second time, they were probably sitting in the back of the room going, I think we can go down right now. | ||
| Oh yeah, I remember that bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember that bit. | ||
| And then boom. | ||
| You do a really good job of, like, I've told you this before, but using your voice, the way you did that in that bit was like, it was like, four years pass and they all look and they go, It's like that quiet thing, a pause mixed by quiet instead of just talking. | ||
| Like inflection, up and down inflection. | ||
| You're just really good at it. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| I just put myself in the position of that actually happening. | ||
| That's what I try to think. | ||
| Like, what would it be like if there really was this cabal of evil billionaires that's trying to control the mindset and program the entire country, and they wanted to put a dumb person in office so they could figure out how dumb people were. | ||
| That was the premise of the joke. | ||
| There's only one way to figure out how stupid people are. | ||
| You can watch the news. | ||
| You can see what movies they buy. | ||
| But the only real way is to put a dumb person in as president and see if everybody freaks out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if they don't freak out, it's because they're dumber than him. | ||
| They don't even know he's dumb. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, that's a weird thing about being really fucking stupid. | ||
| You don't know you're stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the only way, the premise of the bit was the only way we could really find out how stupid America was was to put a really dumb guy in as president. | ||
| And there's many, many really articulate, whip-smart Republican candidates that could easily make a great leader. | ||
| Like, well, why would they do that? | ||
| They can't find out how stupid we are if we do that. | ||
| That would be a backup plan. | ||
| Let's see if we can get the dummy in first. | ||
| And then after he won a second term, that's when the bit was like, I think we can go dumber. | ||
| So now they're using that to illustrate Donald Trump or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, they've made too many comparisons to presidential candidates, to Hitler. | ||
| That it's like, guys, you can't keep doing it. | ||
| You said Bush was Hitler. | ||
| You know what that's like? | ||
| Enough! | ||
| It's like the hack comedy premise from hell. | ||
| From hell, yeah. | ||
| She's like the stripper from hell! | ||
| And at some point, he's like, well, hell doesn't seem that bad, to be honest. | ||
| You're overusing this. | ||
| But it was a really easy way to get away with, like, saying something's bad. | ||
| Like, for a long time, like in the 80s in particular, it was a knockout punch every time. | ||
| It's gonna work every time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The something from hell. | ||
| I can't even believe he's saying hell! | ||
| People back there, whoa! | ||
| Slow down! | ||
| Boundary pushing. | ||
| On steroids. | ||
| Yeah, on steroids is another one. | ||
| On crack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On crack. | |
| On crack is another one. | ||
| They're like, let's say the same thing, but say it slightly different so it seems like we're original. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| It's still on in one word. | ||
| Well, I mean, if it's just a very minor part of what you're trying to describe, I guess it's fine to use it as a non-creative narrative or non-creative descriptive. | ||
| But when you're doing it a lot, Yeah, it's too much. | ||
| Overuse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder how much this is going to change everything. | ||
| What? | ||
| The way Donald Trump is running for president. | ||
| Well, here's what I saw from it. | ||
| So before, I mean, I'm assuming in the Lincoln Times, you know, the candidates would just say their opinions, what they thought, and that's what the newspaper would print, and that would be the end of it. | ||
| They would go out and talk for hours, too. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Stomp and do whatever. | ||
| No microphones. | ||
| No microphones. | ||
| Oh, yeah, no microphones. | ||
| Just get up there and talk. | ||
| Hopefully the acoustics aren't terrible. | ||
| But mostly it's probably outside. | ||
| People farting. | ||
| Take a train to the next state to try to convince them. | ||
| By the time your speech is done, half the people are dead. | ||
| They just died. | ||
| And then it became a thing where, like, Bill Clinton went on Arsenio Hall and he played... | ||
| Trumpet. | ||
| Trumpet. | ||
| Saxophone. | ||
| Saxophone. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| And his ratings went up like 10 points overnight. | ||
| And we're like, wait a minute. | ||
| This has nothing to do with the issues. | ||
| And so there was this mixture of showmanship and issues. | ||
| And I think Trump's theory, his thesis is, guys, I don't think your platform matters as much as the showmanship. | ||
| I think it's only showmanship. | ||
| Well, also, it's who else is running. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And what do they have to offer. | ||
| Have you seen those videos Ted Cruz made? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The commercials? | ||
| Yeah, when they show the outtakes. | ||
| All the people hugging and stuff. | ||
| And the best is the wife. | ||
| His mom going like, she prays for me. | ||
| And she's like, mm-hmm. | ||
| And he goes, sometimes... | ||
| You know, hours a day. | ||
| And she's like, oh. | ||
| I like the look of like, I don't know about that. | ||
| Someone has hours and she goes, where are you going with this? | ||
| A day. | ||
| She goes, no. | ||
| Cut, cut. | ||
| Mom, mom, stick to the script. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You're super pious and I'm not gay. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| And go. | ||
| The whole thing is so crazy. | ||
| I think Bernie's the only one talking about shit that actually American people day to day have to deal with. | ||
| He's definitely talking more about social issues. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They say socialism like it's a bad word, but it's just social issues. | ||
| Well, yeah, but socialism isn't just social issues. | ||
| Socialism implies some sort of a community pot of money. | ||
| That we're going to distribute to people. | ||
| We do that. | ||
| We do that now. | ||
| And we use 80% of it for defense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, definitely. | ||
| Which is just offense. | ||
| Well, that's the problem that people find with this. | ||
| The big problem that I've heard from people that actually understand it, not folks like you and me. | ||
| But people that actually understand it, they're like, the problem is it just makes government bigger. | ||
| Because what he's doing is proposing that we get more taxes from people. | ||
| And somehow or another, it's going to create more programs. | ||
| And those more programs are going to trickle down to people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But the problem is, but you take more taxes from people. | ||
| You're just giving it to the government, and then they have to be competent all of a sudden. | ||
| They've never been competent before. | ||
| Somebody on my message board brought this up, like the Department of Fish and Game that I always praise them for the conservation efforts they've done. | ||
| They've got all wildlife biologists running it. | ||
| These are like actual scientists. | ||
| Not bureaucracy. | ||
| Yeah, they hired some really smart people who care about the environment to run these fish and wildlife Yeah. | ||
| Departments. | ||
| But see, people say that would never work, and go, okay, fine, maybe. | ||
| But here's the reality. | ||
| What we have now is not working. | ||
| People are getting poorer and poorer. | ||
| See, wildlife biologists are very different than economists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when you get a wildlife biologist that's trying to manage the buffalo population, and they try to figure out, hey, we've got wolves in Yellowstone that are killing the buffalo. | ||
| We've got to figure out how to do it. | ||
| And they try to find workarounds. | ||
| They do all sorts of different things to try to maintain healthy populations. | ||
| There's no profit in that. | ||
| There's no profit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, now, the problem with anything economic is there's all sorts of motivating factors that lead up to rules that get passed that allow these people that become president or become, you know, whatever the fuck they're doing where they're making deals with people like the bankers that are paying Hillary Clinton $250,000. | ||
| They get them into these positions and then they can profit insanely. | ||
| They get these positions and these guys go from... | ||
| There's a great documentary called Inside Job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's all about the Wall Street collapse. | ||
| And this guy who's like this very educated financial guy is interviewing these people and picking them apart as he's interviewing them. | ||
| And you see they start to panic and they start to freak out. | ||
| And some of them going, you know, I'm going to leave one more question, then I'm going to leave. | ||
| In the beginning of the interview, they're all smiles and happy. | ||
| And these are economists. | ||
| And he finds out that these guys who are economy professors went on to get jobs with these banks. | ||
| So they set these rules like, well, we've just checked with the blah, blah, blah university economics department, and they recommend this, that, and that. | ||
| And they're doing that so they can get these payments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And so they move into cushy jobs where they get paid millions of dollars once they leave these government positions or these teaching positions. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Very, very fascinating stuff because it shows there's motivation. | ||
| And as soon as there's motivation for profit, everything gets squirrely. | ||
| So Clinton can say all day- Hey, we'd love you to prove this and here's some cash. | ||
| I'm like, well, I'll try to. | ||
| Clinton can say all day that they don't influence her. | ||
| Well, then they don't take a quarter million dollars to talk. | ||
| That's not human nature. | ||
| Yeah, you can't take that much money to talk. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I do know. | ||
| Neither one of us really understand it, but I don't see Bernie as a guy who's like, let's just get my money. | ||
| I'm sure it'll work out. | ||
| That's not a bad impression. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's really trying to. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would like Mrs. Clinton to tell us where are those transcripts? | |
| But I think they have that thought out. | ||
| Well, it's tricky, man. | ||
| When you have a lot of money like that, hundreds of thousands of dollars that someone's paying you, so you talk for an hour. | ||
| That is absurd. | ||
| That's absurd. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And they have transcripts of it. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| And they won't show them. | ||
| She won't release them. | ||
| The whole thing is very bizarre. | ||
| She hides shit, right? | ||
| That's her normal thing. | ||
| She hides emails. | ||
| She's like, oh, I didn't know I wasn't allowed to use regular emails for this stuff. | ||
| And, oh, you guys aren't allowed to FOI that? | ||
| Well, here's one of the things that... | ||
| Mike Baker was talking to me about and he's a former CIA operative. | ||
| He's been on the show before. | ||
| He runs a security company now. | ||
| And he said, if that was me, what she did, he goes, I would be in jail. | ||
| If I did what she did. | ||
| Using private emails? | ||
| Using a private email address and sending top secret information through that email address, he goes, I'd be in jail. | ||
| He's like, she had an email server in her bathroom. | ||
| Not only that, but the guy who set up that email server just got immunity from federal prosecution. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So she's already in this protected group of people that were like, we can pretty much do whatever we want. | ||
| It's squirrelsville, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Squirrely. | |
| The whole thing's squirrely. | ||
| Like, they're not even... | ||
| She's in the middle, running for president. | ||
| She's at the lead of the Democratic nomination, and she's involved in two criminal investigations. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're just like, let's just not talk about that. | ||
| Well, it's like, this is all they have. | ||
| And when this is all they have, I mean, there's no one else. | ||
| Who the fuck else is there? | ||
| There's Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, period. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's it on the Democratic side. | ||
| We haven't heard a peep of anybody else since. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Who else? | ||
| Everybody's gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're all gone. | |
| It's just the last two, yeah. | ||
| It's just them. | ||
| So, it's one of those things where everybody's shutting the fuck up because they think they have to. | ||
| This is the last gasps of a dying system. | ||
| This is the last gasps of a ridiculous dying system that is set up because- The system is fighting back. | ||
| The system is fighting back to survive. | ||
| But the system was set up back when people wrote with feathers. | ||
| When we had Congress, because I couldn't afford to travel from Nashville all the way up to Washington to hear my stuff. | ||
| So we have our Congress goes for us. | ||
| They speak for us. | ||
| But now we have email and phones. | ||
| We don't need you to go there for us. | ||
| Why do you have a job? | ||
| It needs to be restructured. | ||
| Restructured. | ||
| New Constitution. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it needs to be restructured to represent the technology and the access to people that's available today. | ||
| Because government should be... | ||
| People should have to have some level of education to understand the parameters of what they're talking about, what they're voting on. | ||
| Yeah, we don't even understand. | ||
| We're not even getting the information. | ||
| Dude, there's so much waste. | ||
| Our government has got a virus, and it's not being cured. | ||
| I talked to these guys who were defense contractors, worked for defense contractors in Iraq and Afghanistan, and one of them had been in the military before. | ||
| They'd both been in the military. | ||
| When they need a new printer cartridge, They don't order printer cartridges. | ||
| They order a new printer. | ||
| Take out the printer cartridge and shred the new printer. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's no repercussions for that. | ||
| Why do they do that? | ||
| It's easier to order it that way. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's no reason for it, man. | ||
| It's all fucking wasteful. | ||
| Were these guys high as fuck when they were telling you this? | ||
| No, they weren't. | ||
| Like, dude, he's going to go on a podcast. | ||
| He's going to talk about this. | ||
| I'm too high to remember the specific details. | ||
| But that's one of them. | ||
| And it's like, dude... | ||
| It's just this bureaucracy. | ||
| It's just corrupted. | ||
| And the government's in it now. | ||
| It's like, I don't know, Obama. | ||
| He just won't talk about... | ||
| He's done some great shit. | ||
| But he just won't talk about the drone strikes. | ||
| About wedding parties in Yemen, where we're not even at war with. | ||
| Just killing random people. | ||
| And our official quote is like, let's just not talk about it. | ||
| But gay marriage is legalized. | ||
| And that's, yeah, man, that's great. | ||
| You can't just murder people. | ||
| More people have died under drone strikes under him than Bush. | ||
| Way more. | ||
| Well, there's more drones now. | ||
| They're way better, too. | ||
| Still killing innocents, and we're just not talking about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they can arrest people now and never try them. | ||
| Well, they've also... | ||
| The NSA has more power than they've ever had, because Feinstein just restructured it. | ||
| They also used to shoot at metadata. | ||
| I don't know if they still do that, but they used to shoot where a phone is. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So if you're a real bad guy and you're hanging out in an apartment building and your phone happens to be there, that's what they're shooting at. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Shooting missiles at that phone, hoping they're going to get you. | ||
| Somebody else has the phone, and it's like, well, it's acceptable casualties. | ||
| Did you let the kid play with the phone in the bedroom? | ||
| Oh, we took that bedroom out. | ||
| Now, if that was Americans, we wouldn't do that, because we value American lives, or innocent lives over innocent. | ||
| You get many lives. | ||
| Well, it's just way more convenient when they don't look like us, they don't talk like us, and they dress weird. | ||
| It's way more convenient to light them up with rockets. | ||
| This is why the British were smart when they colonized Africa. | ||
| They put East Indian people, Indians from India, they put them in charge. | ||
| So the Africans hated the oppressors, hated people who, you know, dominated and conquered them. | ||
| No one likes being conquered. | ||
| It's just not a thing people enjoy. | ||
| I know a couple girls are in that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so their face of who they hated were these Indians who also had been conquered and moved over there. | ||
| So there's really no terrorism on British soil from the African militants because they don't hate that white face. | ||
| Well, if we went to war with, say, Russia today, they look just like us. | ||
| Just like us. | ||
| It'd be harder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Luckily, they wear coats. | ||
| Maybe we'd find out that the government's photoshopping their faces. | ||
| Stretching them out. | ||
| Make them look weird. | ||
| Make them look more like... | ||
| Look at those oval heads. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| Ruslan Pravodnikov is one of the top boxers in... | ||
| I think he's 154, 147? | ||
| 147, come on, man. | ||
| Pravodnikov, he's an animal. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They call him the Siberian something or the Siberian Express. | ||
| He's got Ovalhead? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Am I saying his first name wrong? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He takes unbelievable amounts of punishment. | ||
| This is what he looks like. | ||
| But look at him. | ||
| See? | ||
| He looks just foreign enough. | ||
| You know what that is like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He's got some Asian in him. | ||
| He's that part of Russia. | ||
| I think he's got Mongolian in him. | ||
| Mongolian, yeah. | ||
| That's probably why he's such a fucking warrior. | ||
| He's probably descendant of Genghis Khan or some shit. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't look Russian. | ||
| Well, the Mongols conquered Russia for like 200 years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Mongols came in in the winter in Russia unexpectedly and fucking took over. | ||
| He looks like Toby, the front bartender. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That guy's an animal, man. | ||
| He's a fucking animal. | ||
| He's fun to watch. | ||
| He's super aggressive. | ||
| So let's talk about this rematch. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Nate Diaz and Conor McGregor? | ||
| What are they fighting at? | ||
| 55? | ||
| I do not know. | ||
| I don't think that's been solidified. | ||
| I believe that Conor has asked for it to take place at 70, which is where he was. | ||
| So he can say, like, I can do this? | ||
| Exactly the same weight, and then it won't be a factor. | ||
| But also, I think he was really healthy at 170, and I think he liked that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who was? | |
| Conor. | ||
| I think he felt great leading up to the camp and leading up to the fight. | ||
| He just had a bad game plan, and his ground game kind of got exposed. | ||
| Two weight classes above where he won a title? | ||
| It's not two weight classes. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| First of all, they both weighed in almost exactly the same weight. | ||
| No. | ||
| Two weight classes above where he won his title. | ||
| Yes, but not really. | ||
| All it is, is they're not cutting weight. | ||
| But he's not fighting Damian Maia, who used to fight at 205 or 185, and he's cutting down to 170. At least it's not title shots, where it's like, you don't deserve a title shot on two weight classes above you. | ||
| It's just a Nate Diaz fight. | ||
| Well, this isn't a title shot. | ||
| I'm saying at least it's not. | ||
| Well, you know the whole story behind it. | ||
| There was a fallout. | ||
| Rafael Dos Anjos, who's the lightweight champion, was supposed to be fighting Conor McGregor. | ||
| He breaks his foot 11 days before the fight. | ||
| Nate Diaz takes the fight on a drop of a hat with no training whatsoever. | ||
| I mean, fucking none. | ||
| He hadn't done anything. | ||
| He was at the store. | ||
| Yeah, he was hanging. | ||
| Hanging out. | ||
| And Nate posted pictures afterwards of him drinking tequila and hanging out in Mexico eating tacos and shit. | ||
| So he was just having a party. | ||
| Two on nine, bitch! | ||
| He's just living his life, right? | ||
| But he's in such good shape that he can get away with that because he does so much triathlon training. | ||
| He's constantly biking and swimming and running. | ||
| He's entered into a bunch of triathlons. | ||
| He's in very good shape. | ||
| And so he was able to pull it off because his cardio base was so good. | ||
| And just, he's a fucking damn good fighter. | ||
| He's a damn good fighter. | ||
| And exciting, too. | ||
| And he's fought legitimately at 170 twice. | ||
| He lost. | ||
| He lost to Stun Gun Kim, and he also lost to Rory McDonald at 170. These are legitimate 170s, and Rory being one of the best 170s in the world. | ||
| He got ragdolled a little bit by Rory, but that was a wake-up call for him. | ||
| He went back to 155, and at 155, in his last fight against Michael Johnson, he put on probably the best performance up to the Conor McGregor fight, the best performance of his career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was fucking sensational. | |
| So why didn't I say 155? | ||
| Because when I view Nate Diaz, I think of him as a 55er. | ||
| That's what he usually competes at. | ||
| But for this fight, he didn't want to have to cut weight. | ||
| It's only 11 days out. | ||
| He's a little heavy. | ||
| So he says, look, let's make it at 170. They both agree. | ||
| Nate weighed 169. Connor weighed 168. Or maybe vice versa. | ||
| I think that's it, though. | ||
| So, I mean, they're basically the same size. | ||
| What would they fight at? | ||
| Well, they fought at 170. What do you mean? | ||
| I mean, when Nate said, I'll fight at 170, where was he walking at? | ||
| Probably a little heavier than that. | ||
| He probably dieted and worked out real hard for seven or eight days of the eleven. | ||
| Tapered off the last couple. | ||
| No, Connor didn't have to cut anything. | ||
| I mean, if he cut anything, it's probably a couple pounds, which is nothing. | ||
| Ten pounds difference, let's say. | ||
| Not a big deal. | ||
| That happens at 170. But there's not even ten pounds difference. | ||
| They're the same weight. | ||
| When they got into the octagon, I guarantee you they're within a pound or two of each other. | ||
| In the octagon? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Nate is longer and taller, and he's a very good boxer. | ||
| Nate spars on a regular basis with Andre Ward, who is one of the best pound-for-pound, if not the best pound-for-pound boxer in the world, now that Floyd Mayweather's quote-unquote retired. | ||
| Andre Ward is a motherfucker. | ||
| And he just fought this Saturday night on HBO, and I just watched it the other day on DVR. It's fucking amazing. | ||
| He's so good, dude. | ||
| He's just nasty. | ||
| And now he's fighting at 175. He's going to fight Sergey Kovalev, who's like the best 175er in the world. | ||
| So he fought with him? | ||
| So Nate spars with that guy on a regular basis. | ||
| They're friends. | ||
| And Nate also spars his brother Nick, who's one of the best strikers in the UFC. Definitely one of the best boxers. | ||
| He's a very good boxer. | ||
| And he also spars with Joe Schilling all the time. | ||
| Who is Glory World Champion, kickboxing world champion. | ||
| He's a motherfucker, man. | ||
| So Nate is sparring with high-level, world-class strikers, like legitimate. | ||
| Andre Ward, Joe Schilling. | ||
| Two world champions in two respective disciplines. | ||
| So he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| I just think that people see him swearing and sticking up his double fingers and they don't realize. | ||
| Put all that shit aside and observe his movements. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Observe his movements in a fight. | ||
| Like in the Michael Johnson fight. | ||
| In the Gomi fight. | ||
| In the Marcus Davis fight. | ||
| In the Gray Maynard fight. | ||
| Observe his movements. | ||
| He's a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| When he tees off on you, he comes at you like a snake. | ||
| He's got long ass on. | ||
| Was that the Cerrone fight where it was the most connections of all time? | ||
| Where it was like 80% of his strikes hit? | ||
| In the first round, he lit Donald up. | ||
| Yeah, it was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Nothing missed. | ||
| He lit Donald up. | ||
| He fucked Donald up in that first round. | ||
| Four or five years ago, right? | ||
| Yeah, Donald started coming back with leg kicks. | ||
| The only guy who's ever really successfully put him away in the UFC was Josh Thompson. | ||
| Josh Thompson is one of the most underrated guys. | ||
| Josh Thompson, when he was at his best, left to go over to Strikeforce, and a lot of people missed out on some of the fucking wars that he had over there. | ||
| The Gilbert Melendez fights over there, and he went through a lot of wear and tear on you. | ||
| But, like, skill for skill, Josh Thompson is a motherfucker, but now he's, like, 36, and time just starts to get everybody, but at his best, and I think that, like, his last fight with Nate Diaz, when he head kicked him, he stopped him, was one of, like, his best performances ever. | ||
| And then he had some losses after that, but again, it's like, It's hard to stay healthy and get through a camp when you're 36 years old. | ||
| When those guys get to the late 30s, things start to get... | ||
| So he has one loss. | ||
| But the loss, in my opinion... | ||
| I mean, one stoppage loss. | ||
| But the loss to Thompson is like... | ||
| He's one of the most underrated guys. | ||
| So it's like a solid loss. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| It doesn't get looked at as solid as it should be. | ||
| I think Thompson, at his best, he's a motherfucker. | ||
| Okay, so let's say he's a natural 170-er. | ||
| Let's say he wants to fight the Conor. | ||
| But he's not. | ||
| He's not. | ||
| He just wants to fight this fight at 170. To prove his point that he can win it? | ||
| To prove a point, to fight exactly the way they did it before, and to come in and fight in a better... | ||
| Is this what happened? | ||
| If they're going to do that, in the meantime, they should let Frankie and Aldo fight for a title. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| How long are you going to vacate the belt that you haven't defended once? | ||
| Max Holloway should be in the mix as well. | ||
| I think they also offered Aldo a shot at McGregor, and he didn't take it. | ||
| That could be a Brazilian thing, if you know what I mean. | ||
| What are you saying, steroids? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like how you made the injection heroin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They still do that? | |
| They still do that? | ||
| Can I picture it? | ||
| I would say it was more like he's just unprepared and out of shape and didn't want to get knocked out again. | ||
| I mean, the guy just knocked him out with one fucking punch a couple of months ago. | ||
| I remember a guy, but I mean, he's like, give me that rematch, give me that rematch. | ||
| See, but he didn't know. | ||
| See, he didn't know that Conor was going to get worked. | ||
| When Conor got worked by Nate Diaz, it changed the whole game. | ||
| He's like, oh, I can beat this guy. | ||
| Everything changed, man. | ||
| Everything changed. | ||
| In everyone's approach to him, when you watch a guy get beat up and strangled like that, you got to pee again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't worry about it, man But my point is for the folks listening when you watch a guy get beat up like Connor got beat up against Nate and He shoots for a takedown and then gets taken down Nate gets on top of him beats him up and then chokes him a taps real quick Like Nate just dominated him once it got to the ground. | ||
| He was already hurt when it got to the ground Then everybody goes hmm, okay Could Rafael Dos Anjos do this? | ||
| And for a guy like Conor, I think one of the reasons why he wants this fight back is to prove that he fucked up. | ||
| That he tried to take Nate out with big power bombs, he gassed out, he got tired, and then Nate boxed him up in the second round. | ||
| Nate started tagging him, had him hurt, had him shoot for a takedown. | ||
| So... | ||
| A guy like Conor, you don't get to be that good. | ||
| You don't get to be that far. | ||
| You don't get to be that successful. | ||
| You don't get to knock out Aldo with one punch and beat the fuck out of Poirier in the first round like you called it and beat the shit out of Seaver and stop Chad Mendes when you wanted to bet millions of dollars on it. | ||
| I mean, he's a legit 100% motherfucker. | ||
| The game does not care about personalities. | ||
| The game does not care about confidence. | ||
| It sure doesn't, huh? | ||
| The interaction of fists and face and chokes and necks and kicks and bodies, it does not care about anything other than what works. | ||
| So when you see a loss, like a Ronda Rousey getting knocked the fuck out by Holly Holm, It does not mean that Ronda Rousey sucks. | ||
| It does not mean that Holly Holm is the greatest ever. | ||
| It just means the game doesn't give a fuck who you are. | ||
| It doesn't care. | ||
| You want to charge face first at a counter striker, and she clips you with that first punch, you're already at check. | ||
| You're already at check. | ||
| You got rocked like the first punch, and then you're getting beat up for four and a half minutes after that, and then the second round comes around. | ||
| You don't even know where the fuck you are. | ||
| Your ears are going, You can't see. | ||
| Your fucking eyes are blurry. | ||
| That must be so weird. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| That's what I love about UFC as opposed to boxing. | ||
| Nobody goes 29-0. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, if you go six in a row, that's like, wow. | ||
| That's why Jon Jones is so spooky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody's beaten Jon Jones. | ||
| Jon Jones has one loss, and it's a disqualification against Matt Hamill, where he was crushing him on top of him. | ||
| And it's a dumb rule. | ||
| It's like 12 to 6 elbows on a clock face. | ||
| If you drop an elbow down from 12 to 6, the people that made the rules thought that that somehow or another was dangerous. | ||
| It's no different than any other kind of elbow. | ||
| Is it still a rule? | ||
| Yeah, it's a stupid rule. | ||
| It's a rule that they put in place because the people that were on the commission, this is coming from Big John McCarthy himself, the people that were on the commission at the time, they thought that if you dropped a 12-6 elbow like those ESPN karate shows, you could break bricks and shit, you could kill somebody. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So, they... | ||
| They made it illegal. | ||
| Meanwhile, it's not even 12 to 6. It's like 1 to 7. It's stupid. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| I can't wait for him to come back and fight again. | ||
| It's really almost never 12 to 6. It's always a slight angle. | ||
| But either way, it's fucking dumb. | ||
| It's a dumb rule. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| By the way, we have Nate Diaz calling into our sports podcast, Punch Drunk Sports. | ||
| Oh, do you really? | ||
| Well, fake Nate Diaz. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Fake. | ||
| They always call in. | ||
| I'm glad you had a fake one. | ||
| How good are they? | ||
| The fake ones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The accents are great, and they talk about the 209 so much. | ||
| They're always talking about they're going pontoon boat shopping. | ||
| Man, you got to hear them, man. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| It's Danish and O'Neill, and they're so fucking good at it. | ||
| For a while, they were dating Ronda Rousey, and GSP was all upset about it because he wanted to date Ronda Rousey, and they catfished him and buried him in a refrigerator box in the desert, and he got out. | ||
| And now GSP's addicted to kitty litter. | ||
| What? | ||
| Kitty litter and computer spray. | ||
| He's got all these addictions. | ||
| Talking to the aliens all the time. | ||
| They told me I missed two minutes of my life. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Is that on YouTube anywhere? | ||
| No, not YouTube, but punchdrunksports.com. | ||
| You gotta get clips. | ||
| The Dailymotion ones. | ||
| I think they're all up in Dailymotion. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta clip that shit and put it on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, why don't you have clips? | ||
| We just don't? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I can't give you a good reason. | ||
| This is the reason why I think the rematch is huge. | ||
| This is why you have to do it. | ||
| First of all, because Conor McGregor, up until that fight, is one of the most spectacular fighters ever in the history of the sport. | ||
| And people are talking about him. | ||
| Yeah, just the spectacle. | ||
| In that sense of spectacular, the guy gets on stage and screams at the weigh-ins and the crowd goes nuts and the Irish flags everywhere. | ||
| Galvanized the nation? | ||
| And I don't even know what galvanized means. | ||
| It means like a coating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, great. | |
| Like when you get nails so they don't rust. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's spectacular, right? | ||
| And his results inside the octagon, other than Nate Diaz' fights, have been incredibly dramatic and amazing. | ||
| Calling, exactly. | ||
| Second round, I'll get him with an uppercut and knock him out. | ||
| And then it's like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| When a guy like Nate Diaz beats you, and beats you the way he beat you... | ||
| The right thing to do is to have a rematch. | ||
| And that's why. | ||
| Because the rematch is where the big money's at. | ||
| The rematch with Nate Diaz is goddamn Scrooge McDuck, gigantic, huge, two million plus pay-per-view guys. | ||
| Because it's still on the table. | ||
| Let's just say he goes to 45, then maybe 55 again. | ||
| He's always going to be like, well, I mean, Nate Diaz will beat you, you know? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Not only that, but here's the other problem. | ||
| What? | ||
| Frankie might beat him. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Everyone might beat him. | ||
| Max Holloway might beat him in a rematch. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jose Aldo might beat him now. | ||
| Now that Jose, especially Jose Aldo, if Jose Aldo comes in real healthy, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Jose Aldo is a fucking nine-year undefeated all-time great fighter who got clipped with one big punch. | ||
| So what if Aldo fights in a similar way to how Misha Tate fought Holly Holm? | ||
| Takes his time, wears that motherfucker out in round two or three, and just stands on the outside and leg kicks the shit out of him. | ||
| If Aldo just chooses to... | ||
| I mean, Aldo was so mad, he tried to take his head off of the left hook, and he got clipped. | ||
| He loaded up and he got clipped. | ||
| But what if he doesn't do that? | ||
| What if he goes in there and plays slow on the outside and starts kicking his legs? | ||
| What if he initiates a clinch? | ||
| Because let me tell you something about Aldo's jiu-jitsu. | ||
| It's fucking world-class. | ||
| Like, you watch Aldo versus Mike Brown in the UFC, or the WEC, rather, when he won the featherweight title. | ||
| Can't get anything right. | ||
| When he won the featherweight title, dude, he takes his back like a fucking world champion and smashes him. | ||
| I mean, this is what Anderson did when he was at his best, was he would get boos in the first and second round, and he's almost like, guys, would you fucking relax? | ||
| I'm about to knock this guy out. | ||
| Different style, though. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, it was like, I'm not going to push. | ||
| I will wait, and I will get you when it's time, and I'll continue to win. | ||
| Well, Anderson has a very unique style. | ||
| His style is, he's got a lot of Muay Thai, but he also has a lot of traditional martial arts as well. | ||
| Like, some of the things that he does, like the front kick to the face, the way he does it, that's a front snap kick. | ||
| It wasn't like a Muay Thai push kick or a teep. | ||
| It was like a karate style kick. | ||
| I was on acid for that fight. | ||
| At the MGM, me and Diaz sitting next to each other on acid, screaming when he kicked him in the face like that. | ||
| Dude, that was spectacular. | ||
| That was the first time we'd ever seen a front kick to the face KO in the UFC. Vitor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Vitor. | ||
| Stunning. | ||
| So Anderson was a sniper, and what he would do is he would find your range, find your timing, and then he would unload on shit. | ||
| I can go a little closer. | ||
| Okay, now I'm in my range. | ||
| Or, you know, with different fighters, he fought a different style. | ||
| Like with Rich Franklin, he overwhelmed him in the clinch. | ||
| Like Rich Franklin didn't have an answer to what's called a plum. | ||
| That's when a guy grabs the back of your head like this and pinches down with his forearms. | ||
| And the Muay Thai clinch, like anything else, there's levels to it. | ||
| And it's one of those things where you know how... | ||
| This is a good way to describe it. | ||
| You know how you tie your shoes? | ||
| And you tie your shoes effortlessly. | ||
| You just reach down, because you've done it your whole life. | ||
| Your pathway... | ||
| Like the neuromuscular pathway to tying your shoes is automatic. | ||
| There's certain movements that become like that. | ||
| Like when you're sparring or fighting in particular, sometimes you'll move out of the way and you're throwing a counter before you even realize you're doing it. | ||
| Like it's too fast for you to even think about. | ||
| But you've carved that path so deeply in your neuromuscular structure that when someone does this, you do that. | ||
| When you see this, you counter there. | ||
| You understand, you recognize openings without even being conscious of it. | ||
| And when a guy gets in those grooves, when you get in those grooves, it's very hard to deal with if you don't have that groove. | ||
| And Anderson had that groove when it came to that Muay Thai clinch. | ||
| You could see it, the way it was holding on to him. | ||
| And pushing at you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went to those Muay Thai fights. | ||
| Like Sanchai? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Or those Thai kickboxing fights. | ||
| And it's one of the things. | ||
| They're punching and kicking, but they do that throw. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And it almost doesn't seem like it does that much damage. | ||
| Oh, it does. | ||
| It does? | ||
| Well, it's humiliating. | ||
| It's humiliating. | ||
| It seems more like that. | ||
| You get the wind knocked out of you. | ||
| You know, if a guy kicks your legs out from under you and slams you on your back, you're getting the wind knocked out of you. | ||
| You're injured. | ||
| You could get your shoulders injured. | ||
| You can get your ribs injured. | ||
| Your neck can get injured. | ||
| You fall the wrong way or you get knocked on the way down. | ||
| And in some organizations, you can kick them in the face on the way down, too. | ||
| While they're falling. | ||
| So they'll throw kicks and then as you are scrambled, before the referee gets to you, they'll fucking knee you in the face as you're going down. | ||
| Even with your gloves touching the ground, it's like legal in a lot of organizations to knee or even kick you in the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So you gotta be defending yourself and just say, I'll just fall all the way down. | ||
| I'm not even gonna brace myself. | ||
| A lot of like, Muay Thai has some crazy approaches. | ||
| It's fun the way they see it, though. | ||
| Their clinch work is, like, one of the most underappreciated aspects of the sport. | ||
| Because everybody thinks of it as a striking sport, and it is. | ||
| But it's also a grappling sport. | ||
| Because when they tie up inside that clinch, the guys who are really good, they execute these nasty trips, and they also, the way of manipulating you into knees, like, when someone has, like, They clamp down and they know how to control your neck. | ||
| It's a very confusing feeling if you're not accustomed to it from a high-level practitioner because you get locked in. | ||
| You don't know what to do. | ||
| You start grabbing at it and then you're getting kneed in the body and then you get kneed in the chin. | ||
| Kneed in the chin. | ||
| That's one of the most brutal things in MMA. And whenever the whole crowd gets behind it too and they start going, knees, knees, as soon as that clinch comes in because they all want to see it. | ||
| Well, Anderson need him in the face. | ||
| He's destroyed Rich Franklin's nose. | ||
| Rich Franklin had to get his nose completely reconstructed. | ||
| I mean, it was devastated after that fight. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Those were... | ||
| Pull up Rich Franklin, Anderson Silva vs. | ||
| Rich Franklin 1. See if you can find that anywhere. | ||
| The KO. Anderson Silva KOs Rich Franklin in the first fight. | ||
| Because it was a master class. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| No? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I was in his very first fight in the UFC. You might have been. | ||
| You might have been. | ||
| Yeah, pull it back though. | ||
| It was definitely the rematch. | ||
| No, pull it back so you can see the actual knees to the face. | ||
| Before, you get him in the clinch, and there's like... | ||
| Oh, you look scared. | ||
| Yeah, well, he starts doing this. | ||
| He starts moving him around and manipulating. | ||
| See, so Rich is trying to punch him, but look how he manipulates him with these fucking knees, and the clinch just, he never lets that clinch go. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| He's just holding on to the back of his neck. | ||
| See how he's doing that with his left hand? | ||
| Pulling him in. | ||
| And he's kneeing his body, and then he grabs ahold of it with two hands. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Boom to the body. | ||
| So he can toss him around. | ||
| Boom to the body. | ||
| And he's sliding around, and when Rich goes to punch, He's outmaneuvering him. | ||
| He's getting his shoulders in play. | ||
| So his shoulders are blocking these wide looping punches. | ||
| And then he's just leaning his hips back and forcing them to absorb these knees to the body. | ||
| And each one of them is weakening them more and more and more. | ||
| And boom! | ||
| Look at these. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Again. | ||
| And then bam! | ||
| There's to the chin. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And there's a combination. | ||
| He grabs them again. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| To the chin. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| To the legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| To the body. | ||
| And the way he's moving them and manipulating them, man, this is some high level shit. | ||
| And you just didn't, at the time, see this level of Muay Thai in MMA. It was very rare to see, at least from this position, it's a very rare position to see prolonged in an MMA fight up until this point. | ||
| So there, his nose is just shattered, and now Anderson's just moving in for the kill. | ||
| And he gets it again. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| It hits him in the temple, and that's it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And his nose was destroyed. | ||
| I mean destroyed. | ||
| It was like on the other side of his head. | ||
| That's when he took the title? | ||
| Yeah, that's when he took the title. | ||
| But back it up just a little bit, Jamie. | ||
| No, I wasn't at this point. | ||
| You can see the nose. | ||
| You can see what? | ||
| No, a little bit more. | ||
| Like right there. | ||
| Let it go right there. | ||
| Watch when he... | ||
| Look at his nose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's destroyed. | |
| Oh, it's caved at the top. | ||
| There's no bridge. | ||
| There's no bridge. | ||
| No, it's completely smashed. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| His nose was never the same again. | ||
| He had to get nasal reconstruction surgery, and it was a big deal, and they have to, you know, put splints on your fucking nose and build it back up. | ||
| And he came back. | ||
| Fought more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, he did. | |
| He fought him again. | ||
| Fought Anderson again. | ||
| Got beat up again. | ||
| Just, I mean, he did his best. | ||
| He fought well, and he fought great fighters. | ||
| I mean, Rich Franklin had some great wars. | ||
| Vanderlei Silva in the UFC knocked out Chuck Liddell in his last fight. | ||
| Later was Vanderlei, right? | ||
| Oh, Chuck was later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Chuck was his last fight. | ||
| His last fight in the UFC. Didn't he have a broken arm when he knocked out Chuck? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He was like, fuck it, I got one shot. | ||
| Let's go for it. | ||
| Chuck broke his left arm with a kick. | ||
| Chuck kicked fucking hard. | ||
| There's been some good fights in that thing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But that was like the first time we'd seen that level of that clinch in a world championship level fight. | ||
| You'd never see anybody control someone for that long with a tie clinch. | ||
| So Anderson was responsible for a lot of innovation. | ||
| A lot of firsts. | ||
| And not necessarily innovation in that he's using pretty standard traditional techniques for that respective art form. | ||
| Like a front kick is the most standard technique ever. | ||
| But oddly enough, there was no front kick KOs until he knocked out Vitor Belfort. | ||
| It's amazing when you see that and then it opens up. | ||
| Skateboarding has that too. | ||
| Where it's like someone will do it and then everybody goes, oh, let's all do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Liotto knocked out Randy Couture with a jumping front kick to the face, everybody was like, oh! | ||
| In Toronto and from like 60,000 people. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's a big one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When are they going to do the garden? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, they can do it now. | ||
| It's just recently got passed. | ||
| But to finish up this Frankie Edgar thing, Frankie Edgar could beat him. | ||
| If he can get taken down and dominated like that with Nate, Frankie's a goddamn tornado. | ||
| I feel bad for Frankie Edgar. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| For getting left out to like, this is a title eliminator fight, and now it's been like, I guess not a year, but like, where's his title shot? | ||
| He did what he had to. | ||
| You said win this, and you get a title shot. | ||
| Financially, though, you gotta understand their point of view. | ||
| Okay, but in the meantime, Aldo, Edgar, interim title. | ||
| Yeah, or Max Holloway. | ||
| Max Holloway's in the mix as well. | ||
| Against who? | ||
| Edgar? | ||
| Or you could jump Edgar. | ||
| It would be either, well, you know what? | ||
| I say you gotta give Aldo a rematch. | ||
| You gotta give Aldo a rematch. | ||
| Nine straight years, no losses, you gotta let him fight again. | ||
| Right, of course. | ||
| But that's not a rematch. | ||
| Not a rematch. | ||
| I'm saying like title, who is either against Conor or whoever. | ||
| Okay, yeah, I agree with that. | ||
| But he's the number one contender. | ||
| That's a good call. | ||
| Or you could set up a fight where Frankie fights Max Holloway. | ||
| Another eliminator. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The problem with that fight is then you get rid of one of the best contenders if it actually comes to pass. | ||
| I feel like he's already done that title eliminator thing. | ||
| He won it. | ||
| He did what he's asked to. | ||
| Then have Max Holloway fight the winner of Aldo, Frankie. | ||
| The real problem is a financial problem because the money with Nate Diaz is going to be so goddamn gigantic. | ||
| Yeah, but in the meantime, also have that fight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the problem is one of those guys can either get lost and get beat up. | ||
| You have three pieces in play at 145. I agree with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm saying, like, the smart move, really, is you tell... | ||
| Connery has to pick a weight class. | ||
| And if you want to fight at 170, you've got to give up your 145-pound title, and they fight for the real title, not for the interim title. | ||
| That's the real thing. | ||
| Just give up your title. | ||
| Just give it up. | ||
| John Jones had to give up his title because of legal problems, right? | ||
| So give up your title. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Aldo had to give it up because he couldn't fight for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Well, no, he never did. | ||
| He didn't give up a study, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They intermed him. | |
| Interim. | ||
| But fuck the interim. | ||
| Just give up your title. | ||
| You know, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It's not a loss. | ||
| The loss is to Nate Diaz. | ||
| You want to go to 170, that means you're campaigning there. | ||
| You can't just freeze up the division. | ||
| So then you have Aldo versus Frankie for the real fucking title. | ||
| And they fought already before, by the way. | ||
| Aldo-Frankie. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And Aldo beat Frankie. | ||
| It was doing Aldo in his prime. | ||
| But I think that Frankie is better right now than he was then. | ||
| And I think that he's got some spectacular... | ||
| Frankie only wins fights he's not supposed to win. | ||
| That's all he keeps doing and doing and doing. | ||
| He just keeps winning fights he's not supposed to win. | ||
| Well, he wins fights he's supposed to win, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Favorite fight. | ||
| I mean, Frankie's still... | ||
| From the start, he makes his name on these fucking BJ fights and all these fights. | ||
| It's like, nah, I didn't have a chance. | ||
| And then he just keeps doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| The Cub Swanson fight was an overwhelming fight. | ||
| And then the Chad Mendes knockout. | ||
| He knocked out Chad Mendes with one punch. | ||
| He's at the top of the heap, in my opinion. | ||
| So I think that a rematch is not a bad idea between Frankie and Aldo for the title. | ||
| And you have that on an undercard of UFC 200 or UFC whatever the fuck you're going to have with Nate Diaz. | ||
| And then if Conor wants someday to come back to 45, then it's like, sure man, we'll give you a title fight right away. | ||
| It's not like Conor's not going to know that he already beat Aldo and knocked him out with one punch. | ||
| He could talk all kinds of mad shit for the rematch. | ||
| They could do it, run it all back again, if Aldo can get past Frankie. | ||
| So there's a lot of fun stuff that can happen. | ||
| But the Nate Diaz fight has to take place because my point was, this is my final point, is that if he beats Nate Diaz, he silences everybody. | ||
| If he goes out there and he fights smart and he snipes him and he stays the fuck away from the boxing, he uses a lot of leg kicks the way Dos Anjos did. | ||
| Because Nate stands real heavy on the front leg. | ||
| His front leg will be his right leg. | ||
| And Connor is a southpaw. | ||
| So Connor will be throwing a hard left leg kick from the back leg. | ||
| It's a good setup for him in that regard. | ||
| And then also, Connor knows now he can't knock Nate out with one punch. | ||
| So he's not going to load up and try to uncork, he's going to try to fight smart. | ||
| So in fighting smart, then he'll be able to incorporate leg kicks, and he'll be able to incorporate, he'll also understand he's got to fucking stay off the ground. | ||
| You're not going to do well on the ground when Nate Diaz. | ||
| He's at a very, very high level on the ground. | ||
| So unless Conor gets way better with his jiu-jitsu by the time that fight takes place... | ||
| Keep the fight standing up. | ||
| Use a lot of leg kicks. | ||
| And he beats him. | ||
| And if he beats him, if he beats Nate Diaz... | ||
| Two options. | ||
| Beats him or loses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if he loses, he was going to lose to... | ||
| He might have lost to Frankie. | ||
| I don't want to say he's going to. | ||
| But he could have lost to Aldo in a rematch. | ||
| Anything could have happened. | ||
| If he loses, he's got to get away from 170. Then that Nate Diaz money's gone. | ||
| See, the Nate Diaz money's the big money. | ||
| He's the most famous guy along with Conor right now. | ||
| If he wins, they're doing a third fight. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Third fight, yeah. | ||
| And then they give up that fucking title at 145. And get... | ||
| Fucking rich. | ||
| I mean, at some level, if you're a martial artist, and emphasize the artist, like, keep your fucking titles, the way Cerrone seems to think about it. | ||
| Like, I'm just here to fight, man. | ||
| You put whatever belt you want on me. | ||
| You certainly want that title. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like... | ||
| Yeah, I feel what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's about money weights. | ||
| You know, money fights are what's really important. | ||
| It's not a matter of titles. | ||
| No one would give a fuck if neither... | ||
| Nate Diaz doesn't have a title and Conor McGregor's not the welterweight champion. | ||
| If he gave up his title, that wouldn't mean a goddamn thing. | ||
| Still a war. | ||
| Still a great fight. | ||
| You still have former featherweight champion versus former ultimate fighter winner who stopped this guy in the second round of their last fight. | ||
| It's a spectacular Spectacular fight. | ||
| God, and the trash is so good. | ||
| Oh, it's a giant fight. | ||
| You're on steroids. | ||
| How do you take that back? | ||
| All right, steroids. | ||
| Yeah, it's a giant fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What have I ever done? | |
| I've never done it. | ||
| Steroids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So great. | ||
| And Nate was unflapped. | ||
| Unflappable. | ||
| That's the best when they told him in his last fight. | ||
| They were like, Nate, you gotta stop talking. | ||
| The ref stopped talking. | ||
| He's like, why? | ||
| That's how I fight. | ||
| When I fight in Stockton, I fight. | ||
| You can't tell him. | ||
| I talk shit. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Is that a rule? | ||
| The referee needs to shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that a rule? | |
| It's not a rule. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff that referees... | ||
| Referees get a little busy in there sometimes. | ||
| They interfere too much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They talk too much. | ||
| Fight. | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| Fight. | ||
| Keep it moving. | ||
| When they are fighting, sometimes they say that. | ||
| When guys are clenching... | ||
| And they have a turn and go, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some referees that are just not that good. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| You know, there's guys that say it when it's appropriate. | ||
| Like, Herb Dean will say it when it's appropriate. | ||
| Like, if someone's like, they're stalling. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| He's a gold standard. | ||
| Him and McCarthy are the gold standard. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| And Josh Rosenfeld. | ||
| Let me tell you this, I saw once at the Pearl, I saw her being called a fight, and people were booing, early stoppage, early stoppage. | ||
| And I saw him walk out of the octagon, I saw him walk out of the octagon, and look at the replay, and watch it, I saw him watch it, and then he sees the replay and goes, yeah. | ||
| He was like, no, I did the right thing. | ||
| Yeah, he and I had a conversation after the Tim Sylvia fight. | ||
| Tim Sylvia fought Frank Mir, and the audience was booing because he stopped the fight because they didn't see it. | ||
| But I saw it because I had the replay in front of me and the screen. | ||
| The audience didn't have a screen that they could call from the truck instantly, so they had to put it up on the big screen where you could see Frank's arm break. | ||
| So, or excuse me, see Tim's arm break. | ||
| So Frank got him in an arm bar and snapped his forearm in half. | ||
| And Herb was right there and called it. | ||
| And the audience was screaming, boo, boo, boo. | ||
| But when I got in there, I go, what's going on? | ||
| I go, it looks like it was broken. | ||
| He goes, oh yeah, I heard it. | ||
| It snapped. | ||
| And so then we played it back to the audience. | ||
| And I said, well, watch this. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I go, that's a broken arm. | ||
| And then I showed it to Tim Sylvia, and Tim Sylvia thanked Herb Dean after the fight. | ||
| He's like, I was complaining about the early stoppage, but you saved my career. | ||
| Like, my fucking arm was broken in half. | ||
| And so Herb was like, he heard the snap, saw the bone break. | ||
| Because he could have done a lot more damage if he kept fucking with it. | ||
| Well, Herb was in the perfect position. | ||
| He's a really good referee. | ||
| Tim Apollida said thank you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank you for saving my career. | ||
| And his fucking arm, man. | ||
| Because if someone yanks on a compound fracture and it goes right through the skin and the bone bursts, you use all sorts of risk of infection, real serious complications. | ||
| I mean, who knows if that arm's ever going to be the same again. | ||
| Most exciting fight I might have ever seen. | ||
| Tim Sylvia, Randy Couture in Columbus. | ||
| That was a great fight. | ||
| First fight they ever had in Columbus. | ||
| Randy knocked him down the first round. | ||
| And then everyone was like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he can't take the title. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, one round. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| And then went on the second round. | ||
| I was like, dude, if he wins one more round, he'll win the decision. | ||
| Randy big brothered him. | ||
| Beat him 5-0. | ||
| And he stepped in with like the inside leg kick fake to the big right hand and just clobbered Tim Sylvia. | ||
| And I think Tim just totally never recovered from that. | ||
| It was probably just caught him on the chin and whomped him. | ||
| Did you ever see Tim Sylvia when he fought Ray Mercer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, that was a crazy idea. | ||
| Sad. | ||
| That was a crazy idea. | ||
| And he still faked the leg kick. | ||
| And Tim Mercer was like, we're not going to do kicks, right? | ||
| We're not going to do pussy shit. | ||
| He didn't fake the leg kick. | ||
| This is what was supposed to happen. | ||
| They were supposed to have a boxing match. | ||
| It was supposed to be Ray Mercer versus Tim Sylvia with a boxing match. | ||
| But because Ray Mercer was a world champion and Tim Sylvia didn't have any pro boxing matches, they wouldn't sanction it. | ||
| So they had to make it MMA. But they said, hey, MMA, you and I, we both know we're just going to do boxing. | ||
| And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Allegedly, they agreed to that. | ||
| And then Tim Sylvia leg kicked him and Ray Mercer hit him with a haymaker from hell. | ||
| It was a haymaker on steroids. | ||
| It was a knockout on crack. | ||
| Yeah, Ray Mercer was a monster when he was young. | ||
| He can hit hard. | ||
| That's like the last thing that goes away with a guy like him. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| See, he gets kicked and he's like, oh man. | ||
| He's like, you motherfucker. | ||
| I thought we talked about this. | ||
| And then he fucking unloads. | ||
| Tim's a big boy too. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What is he? | ||
| 6'8", 6'10"? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's enormous. | ||
| Out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he got slipped. | ||
| Watch this punch. | ||
| Womp! | ||
| That guy hits so hard. | ||
| For him to catch you like that on the chin. | ||
| Ray Mercer. | ||
| He was awesome back in the day. | ||
| Ray Mercer was awesome. | ||
| That knockout of Tommy Morrison. | ||
| Did you ever see that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Tommy Gunn? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| One of the most frightening knockouts in the history of boxing, for sure. | ||
| Tommy Morrison was the guy. | ||
| He was the white hope. | ||
| Everybody thought he was going to be the heavyweight champion. | ||
| He was in the Rocky movie. | ||
| He was this badass. | ||
| And he fought motherfucking Ray Mercer. | ||
| And Ray Mercer, boom! | ||
| He catches him with this shot. | ||
| And look at this fucking combination. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And Tommy gets caught up in the ropes here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| As he's going down look his arm gets wrapped up in the ropes and look at this boom boom he's out standing up the refs trying to stop him and he's caught he was caught in the ropes he should have been down dude it was brutal it was brutal it's one of the worst KOs ever and Morrison came back from that but not really that's amazing he was always fucked up from that that fight was just devastating He got tired. | ||
| The anxiety of the event and the fact that Ray Mercer hit so hard, you know, you're always nervous, you're always scared, and then he got caught. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| He started slowing down, he got caught. | ||
| Ray Mercer could close the fucking show, too. | ||
| Speaking of fights... | ||
| Speaking of fights... | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons is going to be doing a fight story in the next season of This Is Not Happening. | ||
| Oh, are you plugging? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't realize I was doing it. | ||
| But it is every Tuesday night. | ||
| You've got just three episodes left. | ||
| Didn't you just say you're going to be somewhere soon, doing stand-up comedy, perhaps this weekend? | ||
| You might have thought about Tempe, Arizona, the improv. | ||
| Oh, the Tempe improv. | ||
| What a place. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| Hey, if you go to our website, 105thezoo, and if you enter in your email address, you can win tickets to see Ari Shaffir. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Most likely we'll just annoy you. | ||
| Yeah, and this is for sure. | ||
| You guys, you can DVR the show for sure. | ||
| I'd like you to do that. | ||
| Ron White's on this week with me doing that story about Chinese shit squat toilet. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, I worked it into like a long, nice story. | ||
| But if you Google or YouTube search, this is not happening playlist, you'll see the unedited versions of these long form stories. | ||
| 71 videos up right now. | ||
| Diaz has probably four of them. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Rogan has two. | ||
| I remember when you started us all out, man, at the improv lab. | ||
| Improv side room. | ||
| 12 people. | ||
| Belladonna was one of them. | ||
| Belladonna. | ||
| She was in the audience. | ||
| Whatever happened to her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| She was tired. | ||
| She got out of the business. | ||
| I don't really come across her on Pornhub anymore. | ||
| They just get out of the business, man. | ||
| But yeah, I started with nothing. | ||
| Diaz and Marin was in the first one. | ||
| Did you start from the bottom, now you're here? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess so. | |
| I think you did. | ||
| I think you started from the bottom, now the whole crew's here. | ||
| That might be true. | ||
| I think that really holds true. | ||
| I mean, it's inarguable at this point. | ||
| Starting from the bottom, now we're here. | ||
| Diaz is on in three weeks in the season finale. | ||
| So, Cyborg's in the UFC now, too. | ||
| Yeah, that's amazing. | ||
| I just heard that from you, Royal Open Pool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Finally! | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Finally! | ||
| Yeah, at 140. At 140. Yeah, the problem is... | ||
| Now, Ronna fights at 35? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And she's going to fight Leslie Smith, who fights at 135. It's the girl who had her ear exploded. | ||
| Her ear got torn off by Jessica Ai. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| Well, it's not a problem, but it's a 140-pound weight class instead of a 145. The 145 is what she's champion of in Invicta, and I think the idea is that they worry that they don't have enough 145-pound talent. | ||
| I think they didn't have enough 135-pound talent. | ||
| No, for sure they didn't. | ||
| They didn't have 115-pound talent. | ||
| They're about to give somebody a third rematch in five years. | ||
| Like, come on, man. | ||
| What? | ||
| You mean Misha Tate? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like you don't have a deep enough weight class if that's what you keep doing. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| But, I mean, that's the same problem they're going to have right now at welterweight. | ||
| The same problem you're talking about at 145, which has a lot of talent. | ||
| There's a lot of talent at 145 in men's. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, so... | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| I think, first of all, she's fucking terrifying. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| When I talk about one of the scariest female strikers in MMA, Cyborg's terrifying. | ||
| And Tony and I got in trouble because we said some inappropriate jokes about what would a roast be like with her. | ||
| All jokes aside, even before that, I had tweeted that I would love to see her in the UFC. For sure. | ||
| She's the name. | ||
| She's a monster. | ||
| And I think also, we shouldn't have double standards as far as who takes performance-enhancing drugs, whether it's for men or for women. | ||
| Is there? | ||
| I think there kind of is. | ||
| I think the way people look at it, when a woman is taking testosterone versus a man taking testosterone. | ||
| Because it's not already part of your body. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, honestly, like some of the things that men have been caught with have been pretty unnatural as well, like superhuman levels of testosterone that don't even exist in medical books. | ||
| You know, so you could argue that it's dangerous because a woman does change her anatomy. | ||
| Whatever, they're testing her now. | ||
| Yeah, but your anatomy changes. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| But you have to make a weight class. | ||
| It's tricky, man. | ||
| I mean, it always seemed, before this Holly Holm thing happened, and that's all fishy, too. | ||
| What's fishy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rhonda won't take a fight, won't take a fight against Holly Holm, and then it's suddenly like Misha Tate wins, like, I'm ready to fight now. | ||
| No, she's not necessarily ready to fight now. | ||
| No, she's not. | ||
| She can't fight until like November. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, she's got movie obligations. | ||
| They got moved around. | ||
| See, that's bad right there. | ||
| That is bad. | ||
| When the movies get in the way of your fights, you gotta pick one or the other. | ||
| Go in between. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait in four months and say, as soon as my fight's over, I can do your movie for the next three months, and then I get her back to training. | ||
| It's gotta be hard, though, when you're... | ||
| You know, a super celebrity and you're getting all this love and everybody wants to put you in all these different things. | ||
| It's got to be hard to say no to certain things. | ||
| Obviously, but the same shit happens in female comics. | ||
| Yeah, but it's way worse with a fighter because a fighter has to be physically tuned up to go in to do battle and get kicked in the fucking head. | ||
| Yeah, it's way worse with a fighter. | ||
| It's just similar where it's like you're not concentrating on the thing that got you there. | ||
| So the thing that got you there is now suffering. | ||
| Maybe you don't care anymore. | ||
| Maybe you just want to do movies. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, that happens to a lot of comics when they make it. | ||
| All of a sudden, you start getting movie offers and TV show offers. | ||
| And their stand-up sucks. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to spend time in the trenches. | ||
| I'll work out for two weeks before my special. | ||
| I was like, oh, no, you can't do that. | ||
| Dude, I had a conversation with a guy who was on a TV show about that. | ||
| He was telling me he was doing a special. | ||
| I'm like, when are you doing it? | ||
| It's like Saturday night. | ||
| I knew he had been doing like one or two sets a week. | ||
| I was like, whoa, hmm, all right. | ||
| Yeah, like, what are you doing? | ||
| He wasn't even doing one or two headline sets a week. | ||
| It's not like he's doing one or two theaters a week. | ||
| Just 15-minute sets? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, he's doing spots. | |
| Doing spots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| It's a lack of respect for the art form. | ||
| Well, it's not knowing. | ||
| For yourself. | ||
| Not knowing. | ||
| Not having done it, you know? | ||
| Not having done it the right way where you feel better and everything's loose. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, you think, I'm doing well. | ||
| My sets are going well. | ||
| We've all made... | ||
| It's different than stringing together an hour and four minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I mean, you can... | ||
| It's just... | ||
| To do it the right way. | ||
| Like the way... | ||
| I think, gives it the most time to grow. | ||
| You have to have material that you've worked on for a long time, and you have to put a lot of effort into it, and then you have to tighten that shit down and get a really great comedy shape for about two months. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think you need two solid months of every weekend smashing it. | ||
| Every weekend, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, show on Sunday, do spouts during the week. | ||
| I mean, you know it, dude. | ||
| When people ask me, what's the best show to watch? | ||
| I'm just like, I don't know, they're all the same. | ||
| But, if it's my first time on the road, even in two weeks, That Thursday show, that first show of the week, is not going to be the best show. | ||
| It depends, though. | ||
| It depends, sure. | ||
| I could get Lewis and have fun. | ||
| How many spots you're doing during the week and how excited you are to be in San Francisco. | ||
| Right, absolutely. | ||
| And if I just performed Thursday through Sunday the week before, so this is only three days later, yeah, I'm going to be sharp. | ||
| But if it's been a few weeks and it's like, but by Saturday of that week, oh, I'm on fire. | ||
| And there's a big difference between doing Thursday night if you are coming off of a weekend run of like three, four, five weekends in a row. | ||
| Oh yeah, then you're on fire. | ||
| Then you're on fire. | ||
| Like one of the times, the only time I've ever gone on a real tour was when I did that thing with Charlie Murphy and Hefron. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we did that real men of comedy Maxim thing. | ||
| That thing, man, we did 22 or 23 dates and And you're just doing show after show after show after show. | ||
| And how sharp do you get? | ||
| Oh, you get like a fucking samurai sword, man. | ||
| The blade just gets folded down and polished. | ||
| Yeah, now imagine if you took off half those days to go shoot a movie. | ||
| How would your final shows have been? | ||
| How about most of those days? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| But it's like everything else. | ||
| Everything else. | ||
| I mean, you don't become a world champion fighter without dedicating your life to it. | ||
| You don't become a great musician without a lot of rehearsal and a lot of planning. | ||
| How much are you going to prep? | ||
| How many weeks in a row before your next special are you going to go? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| What percentage? | ||
| No less than eight weeks. | ||
| Well, first of all, I've taken vacations. | ||
| I took a vacation last week, which I wrote when I was on vacation. | ||
| Sometimes I think those vacation times... | ||
| You can step away for a few days. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| Yeah, but sometimes I think those vacation times where I know I'm not going to perform and I just write my thoughts down with no pressure just to fuck around. | ||
| I get ideas. | ||
| I get little seeds that grow from those sort of, you know, those introspective sit-down moments on the beach. | ||
| Also, this doesn't have to be presented right now. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| This doesn't have to be presented to an audience right now. | ||
| So you have two or three days to form your thoughts fully and really go into it. | ||
| Five days, a week, whatever it is. | ||
| My point being, I'm constantly working. | ||
| I'm not taking any time off. | ||
| Besides having a little vacation time. | ||
| Even when I had a vacation, I came back and I did... | ||
| I came back on my vacation on Thursday night and I was performing Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| I went right back in. | ||
| And I'm doing two, three shows a night. | ||
| I'm doing them at different clubs. | ||
| I'm moving around and then I'm doing the road. | ||
| I think you gotta stay sharp. | ||
| You gotta bear down. | ||
| But the last run, I accept no less than two months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Every week? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On the road? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every week. | |
| Somewhere. | ||
| It doesn't have to be on the road. | ||
| It could be the Irvine Improv. | ||
| It could be Ontario. | ||
| I mean, doing hours. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So you're saying seven straight weeks and then film on the 8th. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're not going to take... | ||
| Sometimes I thought... | ||
| And I don't know if I should take the week off before. | ||
| So then when Thursday comes, wherever... | ||
| I'm doing it in Cap City in October. | ||
| But when I do, I have a little freshness to it. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| I don't know the right way. | ||
| And I also want to do like a garbage club the week before that. | ||
| Just to fuck around. | ||
| Like a sea level room where I won't have fans and I can just like, let me test, let me fail here. | ||
| You'll have fans everywhere you go. | ||
| As long as you put it online. | ||
| You'll have fans in dating. | ||
| Yeah, just lower percentage. | ||
| You know what I mean. | ||
| Just like, I don't have a draw here. | ||
| Garbage people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know those people. | |
| They vote for Ted Cruz. | ||
| You know those people. | ||
| They're not on the coast. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think it's very different for everybody. | ||
| So you're going to do eight straight weeks. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| You're going to be so, you're going to be fire. | ||
| I think you have to. | ||
| I think you could also, like, during the weekdays, I gotta do, like, ice house sets, and do Tuesday night. | ||
| No, but, like, do not just store sets, but do long sets during the week, too. | ||
| You just gotta hammer it down, man. | ||
| And you'll know, you'll know if you're burning, you know, if you're not feeling that good about it, and you'll know if it's, you know, you're feeling good. | ||
| But I think, um... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's exciting stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're, uh... | |
| Kurt... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Some new bits you have are fucking... | ||
| They're fire, man. | ||
| They're fire. | ||
| I'm into it right now. | ||
| I'm really into it. | ||
| Loving it, man. | ||
| Another thing is coming back to the store, which has been a little over a year now. | ||
| How you feeling now? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| Very happy. | ||
| Perfect move. | ||
| Feels like being away from it was great. | ||
| It's your home. | ||
| You were at war for a while or something, then you got back home and everything's normal again. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| The young crop is better. | ||
| eBay has completely changed the game over there. | ||
| I reached out to people like Fitzsimmons and Hannibal and just be like, hey, whatever the system was, here's the number to call in. | ||
| Call in every Monday. | ||
| I'd love to have you. | ||
| You're one of the best comics in the country. | ||
| Just come on in. | ||
| Adam came to get me. | ||
| He came to get you. | ||
| One of the reasons why I came by. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| I wanted to go by there again for two reasons. | ||
| One, because you were doing your special there. | ||
| I knew I had to be there. | ||
| So I was like, okay. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That meant a lot to me. | ||
| Yeah, I had to. | ||
| I was like, I'm not gonna... | ||
| It was a huge deal. | ||
| Like, you getting your first Comedy Central special and, you know, me being your friend from when you were a doorman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Door guy. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, you know, you have a Comedy Central special and it's filming at the store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I was going. | ||
| Pretty excited about that. | ||
| Yeah, so I decided to go the day before for that. | ||
| So I came down on... | ||
| So it wouldn't be like during the special, like, oh my God, Josie. | ||
| Yeah, get it out of the way. | ||
| Yeah, I had to go, like, just relax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The fact that I was there. | ||
| So I went to Roast Battle, and I was like, wow, the vibe of this place is crazy. | ||
| I was like, this is so much better than it was before. | ||
| It's the young crop so much better. | ||
| That roast battle is insane. | ||
| They've empowered. | ||
| Emily has empowered the door guides. | ||
| If you can come up with a show and you can get some people there, I'll give you the belly room. | ||
| Just come up with a show. | ||
| I'm looking for you guys to make... | ||
| Instead of before, we're like, Mitzi will never let us do anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's a totally different animal. | ||
| It's just way better. | ||
| And it's also, we've been talking about this, that there's people now that became comedy fans because of the internet, from YouTube clips and from podcasts, and they understand it now. | ||
| And they know that that's the place where we fuck around and work out, and they know that we're going to be there all the time. | ||
| You mean audience members? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You build it and they'll come. | ||
| Like, you go there now and it's fucking mobbed. | ||
| It's mobbed on a fucking Wednesday. | ||
| It's mobbed on a Tuesday. | ||
| Monday, the open mic show, the employee show, they're like, it's packed there because it's one of the only times you can get a free show at the comedy store. | ||
| Dude, they sold out 20 nights in the OR in a row. | ||
| In the OR. In the OR. Okay, and people don't understand what this means. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's only, maybe, it's not only, it's 165 seats. | ||
| But when I ran the cover booth, there were Tuesdays and Wednesdays, consistently, you couldn't start with less than six people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we wouldn't start. | ||
| The show's supposed to start at nine, we wouldn't start until like ten. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because we wouldn't get six people in there. | ||
| Yeah, there'd be nobody there. | ||
| Six! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now it's just, knowing that, those times were only, I mean, less than a decade ago, it was like, wow. | ||
| The internet changed the game, son. | ||
| Changed the game. | ||
| Changed the whole game. | ||
| And podcasts changed the game. | ||
| Everybody's got a goddamn podcast. | ||
| Yeah, you can get some fans. | ||
| Bill Burr, Mark Maron. | ||
| I mean, Mark Maron's entire fame is based on a podcast. | ||
| He didn't get fame from anything. | ||
| I mean, a little bit from that America show. | ||
| But that was all kind of gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had a small base, but that's not who he's got now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I mean, now he's famous. | ||
| Air America. | ||
| He's famous. | ||
| And he's famous because of the internet, because of podcasting. | ||
| Al Madrigal's there. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| That's an amazing thing. | ||
| It overthrew a fucking government in Libya and in Egypt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The internet's a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| It's a motherfucker. | ||
| And so the place is what it should have always been. | ||
| It's like the best... | ||
| Like, playground for comics. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| Fuck around. | ||
| Come up with great material. | ||
| And Holtzman. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Folks, if you're in town on a night where Brian Holtzman is closing out the main room, just go. | ||
| I mean, this is not... | ||
| It's not become a thing yet. | ||
| It should be a thing. | ||
| Like, when people are talking about, like, Kinnison is prime... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It came in late night, right? | |
| Yeah, it was all late night. | ||
| I'm telling you, Brian Holtzman on Friday night, he got on stage at like, you know, like 12 o'clock, 12.30 or something like that. | ||
| That's three and a half hours into the show. | ||
| It's a long show. | ||
| If that's the main room, if there were 300 people in there, there's probably 30 at this point. | ||
| Well, there's more and more now. | ||
| That's what's interesting. | ||
| There was like 60 or 70 there to see. | ||
| It's still a show. | ||
| People know that it's happening now. | ||
| And the thing is, that show goes on forever. | ||
| So if you finish your bar at fucking 11.30, you can just roll in. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Catch the second half of it. | ||
| He's a fucking animal. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| And Brian is a guy that was there when I first arrived in 94. You know how Mitzi found him? | ||
| She was in her office upstairs. | ||
| Remember that old office up there? | ||
| And there's a door. | ||
| You can still see it's kind of sealed up into the belly room from her office. | ||
| She heard somebody killing. | ||
| And she was like, what is this? | ||
| She just kind of listened to the door and then she opened it up and it was Holtzman on stage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Get him over here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, and like a bringer show type thing, like an open mic type thing. | ||
| Just one of my favorite comedians. | ||
| He almost made me barf once. | ||
| Like I was laughing so hard. | ||
| I couldn't even control it. | ||
| I don't want to do any of his material, but his bit about Hillary Clinton. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| It's literally so singular and individual. | ||
| Because of the anger he brings to it. | ||
| I mean, when Charlie's Angels came out... | ||
| They used to have ashtrays at the comedy store. | ||
| These big fucking thick glass ones. | ||
| I mean, thick and big. | ||
| I mean, the size of this alarm clock. | ||
| Remember those things? | ||
| Eventually, they got the plastic ones, but they had them up there. | ||
| It was only for the comedians to smoke if they wanted to, because a few did. | ||
| And he goes, Charlie, I don't like that movie because it gives women the false impression that they can defend themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am a 220 pound former crack addict, former Marine! | |
| And he takes the fucking ashtray and he just slams it. | ||
| I will crush it and it just shatters! | ||
| Yeah, he destroyed a giant glass ashtray on stage. | ||
| And you would say, that's not funny, that's scary. | ||
| He's talking about beating women. | ||
| You have to see it, I'm telling you. | ||
| It's a character, and he'll break character occasionally and giggle and laugh, and then he goes back into it. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Either laugh or put your heads down. | ||
| If you don't want to laugh at the joke, then put your heads down. | ||
| He would do sometimes bad jokes, like real stock jokes, so he could get mad at the crowd for not laughing at them. | ||
| Not stock jokes, just his own stock jokes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he'd get mad at the crowd for not the joke, so he can go off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he just wants to be angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's fucking. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Comedy store. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| That's it, folks. | ||
| We gotta bring this bitch home. | ||
| I gotta go work for the UFC. I got some countdown shit to do. | ||
| I'm gonna find out some secrets. | ||
| Find out about some fights. | ||
| Some shit nobody knows about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| So excited. | ||
| Cyborg Rousey. | ||
| Everybody wants to see that. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's gotta happen after Cyborg fights Leslie Smith. | ||
| That's in May in Brazil. | ||
| Brazil! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's it, you fucks. | ||
| We'll be back tomorrow with Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Very excited. | ||
| Very excited. | ||
| And until then, Ari, anything to say to the people? | ||
| Guys, I guess not. | ||
| Okay, go fuck yourself from Ari Shafir. | ||
| Love ya. | ||
| Make sure to tune it. | ||
| DVR my show. | ||
| This is not happening. | ||
| Tuesday night slash Wednesday morning at 12.30 on Comedy Central. | ||
| We got three episodes left and Diaz is on one of them. | ||
| And Sean Patton tells maybe the best story of the year. | ||
| The last episode and Simone's on in two weeks. | ||
| Ron White's on this week with me. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Alright folks, see you soon. | ||
| Much love. |
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