March 29, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:01:58
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Brownies are $180 for two brownies, so they're $90 a piece. | ||
| And you've got these are $125. | ||
| Because my kid loves edible. | ||
| We're live. | ||
| This is too much. | ||
| You want one of these? | ||
| No, no, this is the bag. | ||
| Explain what's going on in there, Joey. | ||
| This is Force One, right? | ||
| These are the stars of debt. | ||
| So these purple ones are 200 milligrams. | ||
| This is what, you know... | ||
| Air machine? | ||
| I take one of those, I'll sleep for three days. | ||
| You just popped it like it's a milk. | ||
| Sure, who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? | ||
| How many milligrams are in those? | ||
| 200 in this one. | ||
| You just threw a 200 down the hatch? | ||
| I want some to go. | ||
| You got it to go. | ||
| Dice, I don't know if you know, but an effective dose is 20. And what is he popping? | ||
| Just pop to 200. An effective dose is 20. Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| He'll drive well. | ||
| I can't smoke. | ||
| I could open up with three of these. | ||
| I could open up with 600 milligrams. | ||
| That's so insane! | ||
| And just ride out the fucking waves. | ||
| You have no idea how insane that is. | ||
| I go to bed at night like a baby. | ||
| I put that mask on. | ||
| I sleep like a fucking baby. | ||
| Sometimes I get paranoid in my sleep. | ||
| And I wake up at 3 in the morning with my heart pounding. | ||
| I wake my wife up. | ||
| Come to the living room and check on me. | ||
| I'll tell you why I stay away from the edible. | ||
| Because, like, I like to smoke at night, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| All right, so I get high one night, and when I was at this one place, they gave me some edibles. | ||
| They gave me a bag of popcorn, okay? | ||
| So I'm all stoned out, and I just want something to eat, so I open up the popcorn, okay? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now, the next day, Valerie is... | ||
| She can't figure out why I'm not waking up. | ||
| I slept for 19 hours. | ||
| And she found the wrapper under the bed. | ||
| She was starting to panic. | ||
| Like, what happened to... | ||
| I slept till midnight the next day. | ||
| She goes, you ate this whole bag? | ||
| I said, I didn't know. | ||
| I was stoned out. | ||
| I just wanted something to eat. | ||
| It was popcorn. | ||
| I didn't think they really, like... | ||
| How did they even get it in the popcorn? | ||
| They make it with the butter. | ||
| They use cannabis butter, and they pop it in the butter, and then they might even sprinkle some butter on top of it, some cannabis butter on top of it. | ||
| They fuck you up. | ||
| They got fruit loops now. | ||
| Fruit loops. | ||
| They had a benefit, a pot benefit at the store, and they were handing out those bags, bags of that popcorn. | ||
| It was fucking death. | ||
| Death. | ||
| You open it up, it smells like pure weed. | ||
| I was so scared. | ||
| Pure fucking weed. | ||
| I felt so vulnerable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| I just love how open it is now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| We could talk about it. | ||
| You're popping them like Tic Tacs. | ||
| But Dice is not everywhere else. | ||
| If you tried to do this in Texas, they'll have cops waiting for you outside. | ||
| Yeah, but I have no reason to be in Texas. | ||
| You don't do shows in Texas? | ||
| I don't believe in it. | ||
| No, I've gone to Texas. | ||
| But like, you know, in Vegas it's great. | ||
| Now they're opening up places. | ||
| Yeah, they've got five stores, right? | ||
| They should. | ||
| I haven't gone to any of them. | ||
| I normally bring my own stuff. | ||
| You know, if I go to New York, I'll bring my own stuff. | ||
| It's one of the easiest businesses. | ||
| And at the end of the day, businessmen want to be businessmen. | ||
| They want to make some money. | ||
| And they look at this thing and they go, hey, do you know how much fucking money they're making in Colorado? | ||
| They made more money in taxes in Colorado from weed than they did alcohol. | ||
| That's never happened anywhere. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| I'll definitely take weed over alcohol any day of the week. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| You know what I always say with weed? | ||
| As stoned as you are, let's say, God forbid, there's some kind of emergency. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You just throw water in your face. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| It's not like alcohol, where you don't know what you're doing. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You could perform on the weed. | ||
| You could bang on the weed. | ||
| You could bang more on the weed. | ||
| It feels better. | ||
| Listen, you eat one of these stars. | ||
| You could keep banging on the weed. | ||
| You eat one of these stars, ain't no water gonna help you. | ||
| The fucking fire department's gonna come home. | ||
| You're eating like a pint of this stuff. | ||
| Yeah, he's talking about smoking pot. | ||
| It's affecting him already. | ||
| I'm watching. | ||
| I go home at night after doing comedy. | ||
| I'm so fired up. | ||
| The only thing that calms me down is one of these H-bombs and a fucking joint of death. | ||
| Like, I'll smoke three pipe loads. | ||
| It's hysterical. | ||
| Have you ever seen his Periscope show? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's the best thing on the internet. | ||
| I do it at 8.30 in the morning. | ||
| I just go out there and start giving advice and start smoking. | ||
| I got in trouble for doing it. | ||
| I was doing a periscope with wheels. | ||
| And I get a call from Bruce. | ||
| He's going, what are you guys doing? | ||
| Because we got all stoned out. | ||
| And now we're in the bathroom of my hotel room. | ||
| We turned it into a steam room. | ||
| And you can hardly see us. | ||
| You see my fogged up fucking glasses. | ||
| You know, and I get a call from him. | ||
| He's going, what are you guys doing out there? | ||
| I go, no, it's a new show I'm doing, the periscopical thing, you know. | ||
| And he goes, they're spending millions of dollars from Showtime to film this. | ||
| And you're doing it for nothing. | ||
| Get it off the air. | ||
| You know, right, Bruce? | ||
| I got a whole thing happening. | ||
| That's ridiculous advice. | ||
| Why would you take that off the air? | ||
| Because we were first going to film my series. | ||
| And they go, they're writing episodes about this. | ||
| You can't just periscope it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying to build an image. | |
| I'm trying to change his image. | ||
| He's killing it. | ||
| Who let the manager in here? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You gotta understand, this guy's got a history you would love. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, because number one, he built the whole career again. | ||
| But you can't tell someone to not do Periscope, or to not do Twitter, or don't have fun and do things online. | ||
| But I understood it. | ||
| When a network's putting up millions of dollars to first film a show about these things I do, you don't just put it up on the air. | ||
| It's only gonna help. | ||
| Fuck yeah, of course. | ||
| It's gonna get people excited about seeing you. | ||
| Well, the only bad part was, like, I had this fight with Wheels, like, where I attack him in the room, and Wheels is going, you know... | ||
| He goes, you know, I'm a wrestler, you know? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, okay, you know, I'm not worried about it. | ||
| And I'm having Eleanor do the filming, where I come into the room and I jump him on his bed, and he actually got me. | ||
| He flipped me up like a professional wrestler. | ||
| He legitimately got me. | ||
| Do you know how angry that got me? | ||
| I look like an asshole. | ||
| Did he tap you out or did he just pin you? | ||
| No, no, he pinned me. | ||
| I was done. | ||
| Like, he really knows how to do that shit. | ||
| He's like a genius with certain things. | ||
| Like, I would understand if you could do it. | ||
| I get what you can do. | ||
| But I'm going, it's wheels. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| He's on the bottom already. | ||
| I got him. | ||
| And he just flipped me. | ||
| Like a toy. | ||
| See, now, if you film that and put that on YouTube... | ||
| I put it on the periscopical thing. | ||
| Why would you ever take something like that down? | ||
| Because I got yelled at. | ||
| I know the way of thinking, but the more of you, the better. | ||
| It's just going to make people want to see you more. | ||
| It was funny fucking shit. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| I remember when you were doing that filming at the store. | ||
| You were doing that fucking years and years and years ago. | ||
| You do little sketches. | ||
| No, well, I want to take all that stuff now and just cut it up And do like little three-minute things and put it on that Funny or Die stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everybody was in it. | ||
| You were in it. | ||
| Everybody was in it. | ||
| Everybody played a part. | ||
| Bobby Lee, Ali Shafia, the foreign comic. | ||
| We'd call him the foreign comic. | ||
| And it was just these crazy... | ||
| I remember you coming over to me one night, and you go, Dice, can I ask you something? | ||
| Because I was using the comedy store like a set. | ||
| I'd be filming. | ||
| I changed all the lighting in the kitchen. | ||
| I put the red lights, blue lights for filming. | ||
| I was doing it for a year, and waitresses would come in to get drink orders, and I'd go, I can't have you in right now. | ||
| We're filming. | ||
| You're in my shot. | ||
| And everybody's asking managers, what show is this? | ||
| There was no show. | ||
| But everybody was in it. | ||
| Steve Renizzisi was in it. | ||
| Mike Black was in it. | ||
| Mike Black! | ||
| You know how I become friends with Mike fucking Black? | ||
| So, for whatever reason, I come over to this guy. | ||
| He's sitting in the booth in the kitchen. | ||
| And I go, hey, Mike, you want to be in the show? | ||
| And he's going, what show? | ||
| I go, it's a reality show. | ||
| And reality wasn't really happening yet. | ||
| It just wasn't happening. | ||
| So, people are like, well, what is... | ||
| I go, you just do what I tell you to do. | ||
| Just say what I tell you to say and do what I... I said, so what do you... | ||
| He goes, yeah, I want to be in it. | ||
| I go, okay, we're going to go to the top of the belly room, the steps... | ||
| I'm gonna throw you down the steps, okay? | ||
| And I gotta get a couple angles, so we'll have to do it two or three times. | ||
| You know, and he goes, wait a minute. | ||
| He goes, what do you mean you're gonna throw me down the steps? | ||
| I go, yeah, from the top. | ||
| So you just go with it, you know, just fall down the steps. | ||
| And he goes, I don't want you to do that to me. | ||
| I go, why not? | ||
| What's the big deal? | ||
| It's what you do. | ||
| He goes, what do you mean it's what I do? | ||
| I go, aren't you a stuntman? | ||
| And he goes, where'd you hear that? | ||
| I go, the comics told me that that's what you do besides comedy. | ||
| You're a stunt. | ||
| He goes, I'm not a stunt man. | ||
| I don't want to be thrown down. | ||
| I want to be in it, but I can't have you just toss me down a full flight of steps like that. | ||
| I'm going to get hurt. | ||
| So we had to do it in pieces. | ||
| Like a fake fall? | ||
| Well, no, he would go like halfway and then I'd go to the bottom of the steps to get the rest of the fall. | ||
| And then I'd try to like kill him with a chair. | ||
| And Ari Shafir jumps on me at the right moment to stop me from killing this guy. | ||
| It was always a funny thing to watch. | ||
| Just so I could do a line from Bronze Tale where I'm on top of him now and I go, I did this to you. | ||
| And he goes, but what will that mean? | ||
| I go, don't worry about it. | ||
| When it's edited, you'll see the whole series. | ||
| The image. | ||
| Yeah, I go, just do what I tell you. | ||
| Because I go over to comics, and I go, all right, look that way, and in four seconds say, that guy's going to have a fucking problem. | ||
| And he goes, but there's nobody there. | ||
| I go, don't worry about that part. | ||
| There'll be somebody on the other end at another time. | ||
| And that's how I would piece those. | ||
| So I want to take these tapes, just have some editor do like three minute... | ||
| Because I did it for two years. | ||
| They'd come to my house for a barbecue. | ||
| It wound up fighting. | ||
| Eleanor gets into a fist fight with Steve Renazisi's wife where he's screaming, knock the shit out of her. | ||
| She's got her up against the garage because she said, Eleanor, like, you know, is, like, the house is filthy. | ||
| You know, and Eleanor's screaming at me in the kitchen going, she said that when I'm so fucking nice to her? | ||
| I'll handle this right now. | ||
| And Eleanor comes out of the backyard. | ||
| Now the comic's sitting there, don't know this is gonna... | ||
| And she goes, hey, bitch! | ||
| This is to Steve's wife, right? | ||
| And she chases her, slams her against the garage, starts beating the shit out of her. | ||
| And Eleanor was a pro wrestler. | ||
| And there's Mike Black and Dave Taylor and Steve Simone and my own kid screaming, kill her! | ||
| Just fucking kill her! | ||
| And the end of that episode is Dave Taylor, you know, at night, sitting around going, do you understand? | ||
| Do you know why Eleanor did that? | ||
| Because girls like Tracy are taking guys like you from Eleanor all her life. | ||
| And Steve Simone's going, yeah, the way Eleanor was hitting her, like you could just feel it, you know, like raging bull, like she really wanted to damage her. | ||
| Yeah, it's hysterical. | ||
| That's why I would have barbecues, just to film. | ||
| It was non-stop, and he comes over to me at the store like, what are you doing exactly? | ||
| I go, it's a show. | ||
| It's my show. | ||
| What show? | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Where can I see it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It'll be around. | ||
| And you still have the footage? | ||
| All of it. | ||
| Hundreds of tapes. | ||
| Hundreds of hours. | ||
| You know, till fucking Pauly Shore, you know, stops me at the comedy store, you know, because my kids were in the show and they were like 7 and 11 at the time. | ||
| It's when I first broke up with their mom. | ||
| So they'd be at the comedy store with me, you You know, and Paulie Shaw comes over, and I'm filming this fight between Ari Shafir and Bobby Lee, where, you know, Ari's, like, throwing boxes of, you know, bottles over Bobby's head, and everybody's cheering to kill Bobby. | ||
| You know, and Paulie comes over, he goes, how many times am I going to tell you to get these fucking kids out of the comedy store? | ||
| And he says it in front of Dylan, who's a kid. | ||
| So I tell Steve Simone, I said, take Dylan outside. | ||
| Because that's severe to me. | ||
| So I figured I might have to really damage this kid. | ||
| Are you going to attack him? | ||
| Yeah, I was going to hurt him. | ||
| But I'm going, all right, then I'll get sued. | ||
| So I just lay into him, and I throw a glass at the wall to throw into the garbage, and I leave. | ||
| The next day, Mitzi calls. | ||
| She doesn't just ban me from the comedy store. | ||
| She bans my children. | ||
| I go, you're the youngest kids, Devin. | ||
| If you've never been banned from the store, it's not a good thing. | ||
| And you're the youngest to get banned. | ||
| You're not even eight years old. | ||
| You know how good this is for you? | ||
| And they go, but we're not allowed to go back in. | ||
| I go, don't worry. | ||
| It'll all be straightened out. | ||
| Who hasn't been banned from the store? | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| It's the greatest... | ||
| It's like a badge of honor. | ||
| You've never been banned? | ||
| After the shit you got... | ||
| What was the fight you had a couple weeks ago? | ||
| Oh, with Fucko. | ||
| But no, I didn't get banned for that. | ||
| You don't talk about that at all? | ||
| Because I heard about it. | ||
| Did you almost get into it with Wild Willie Parsons way back in the day? | ||
| No, he said some shit in the main room. | ||
| Well, you know, he was just, it was just crazy. | ||
| Look how nice and calm he is now. | ||
| That's what I love about him. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| Now I see, when we got there, we were the young guys. | ||
| And some of the older guys were on the way out. | ||
| They didn't like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So every once in a while, something would happen, you know? | ||
| And the same thing happens to them. | ||
| And it was like guys that were there for 10 years already and nothing happened yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| There was a few of those guys. | ||
| I'll tell you a great Coco story over here. | ||
| So we just became friends, like, the first year I know this guy, you know. | ||
| And he would tell, like, me about every restaurant in the United States. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He knows every restaurant, where it is, what they serve, if it's good, bad. | ||
| But one night, I come outside, and he's getting into it with some customer, okay? | ||
| And he's sitting on the back stairs, you know, and I'm just watching, because I wouldn't want to really see anybody get hurt, you know. | ||
| But, you know... | ||
| He thinks differently. | ||
| Joey thinks a little differently. | ||
| But he doesn't just want to hurt the guy. | ||
| What he does, he gets all heated up, and he grabs one of those tall glasses from the comedy store, and he breaks it. | ||
| Like he's still in the middle of Cuba with the sharp edge, and I'm going, Joey, what are you doing? | ||
| I go, put the glass down! | ||
| Put the glass... | ||
| And he really wants to, like, stab the guy in the throat with the glass. | ||
| He's a customer. | ||
| He's just a fucking customer. | ||
| And he starts laughing, and he throws the glass so the fight was over. | ||
| He's going to put this guy in the hospital. | ||
| Because the guy said something about his act. | ||
| You know, they're stupid customers. | ||
| I've seen you go after customers. | ||
| It's the funniest shit in the world. | ||
| I saw him and he's like, I don't even want to say what you were doing. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| But you were like trying to get to this guy over the crowd outside on the side. | ||
| That was that guy that came. | ||
| He threw something at me. | ||
| He threw something at me. | ||
| He came up to the stage. | ||
| He came up to the stage threatening me. | ||
| And he said he was going to wait for me outside. | ||
| That guy was an asshole. | ||
| He was heckling somebody before me, too. | ||
| Somebody who's real mean to somebody before me. | ||
| I don't remember who it was. | ||
| It's just the violence involved in comedy now is hysterical. | ||
| Well, this was 20 years ago, or whatever it was. | ||
| Yeah, but it's been going on that long, and it's been a nice build since then. | ||
| There's always going to be drunks. | ||
| There's always going to be drunks and drunk assholes. | ||
| I can't take the drunks. | ||
| There's some people that are drunk and they're fun. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| And there's other people... | ||
| That are just belligerent. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| They're not themselves anymore. | ||
| You do a 10 o'clock show in Vegas, you're asking for fucking trouble. | ||
| How about if you do a midnight? | ||
| Remember those Riviera shows? | ||
| The people that... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's... | ||
| Yeah, now I just, if somebody's really like that, I just throw them out of the room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the way to do it. | ||
| No, but I'll say, really, I go, I'm not making believe I don't like you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, this is my real emotion. | ||
| I go, I have a hatred for you now. | ||
| I go, you gotta leave this room now. | ||
| And then they think it's a joke, and there's like two security guards standing behind them. | ||
| I remember one guy looking and going, you're kidding, right? | ||
| I'm getting thrown out for what? | ||
| I go, you talked! | ||
| There is no talking in here. | ||
| Like it's a classroom. | ||
| It's just all in effect. | ||
| And I know how you perform, and I know how you perform, but I really get mad when they don't care what's going on with the performer on stage. | ||
| Chappelle was at the store the other night, and some kid was yelling at him. | ||
| Interrupting. | ||
| Just yelling shit out at him. | ||
| Just yelling. | ||
| Just yelling shit out. | ||
| What about this? | ||
| What about that? | ||
| Just different questions at him, and finally people just started going, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Like, one guy yelled it, and then it happened to be me. | ||
| Some other people in the room yelled it. | ||
| And it just got to this point where people were like, stop this. | ||
| But it should never get to that point. | ||
| The management should step in, right? | ||
| The bouncers, the door guys. | ||
| The bouncers, kids starting comedy. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing about the store. | ||
| They don't want to fight. | ||
| The one thing about the store that's always been amazing is how many people who worked there who eventually became comics. | ||
| Joey, Ari rather, Duncan, but because of that- I love Russell. | ||
| With the fucking puppet! | ||
| When people go running from the room, does he still do the fucking thing with the- Oh yeah, yeah, he still does the puppet. | ||
| Where he's like starting to pray? | ||
| Yeah, don't tell- Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Don't give the bit away. | ||
| No, I'm not giving the bit away. | ||
| I'm just saying what happens to people. | ||
| There's nothing better than sitting in the back of that room when people start getting frightened because of what's happening through the puppet. | ||
| And they start running from their seats to leave the store. | ||
| It's the greatest moment. | ||
| I smash my head against the wall at those moments. | ||
| Somewhere out there, someone has the original puppet. | ||
| Somebody stole it, right? | ||
| They stole the original puppet. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the original puppet. | ||
| The new one's actually better than the old one, though. | ||
| Who knows what that puppet did to this fucking guy already. | ||
| Whoever stole that puppet's got a problem. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you don't take that kind of puppet. | |
| Are you fucking kidding me with this here over here now? | ||
| That little puppet was fucking scary, guys. | ||
| Do you remember that Twilight Zone episode where the guy, the puppet, the puppet was fucking evil? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I sort of do remember that. | |
| The puppet was trying to get him to steal. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was creepy. | ||
| Now, who was the actor? | ||
| It wasn't Burgess Meredith. | ||
| He did the library with the glasses when at the end his glasses break and he can't read. | ||
| And who was the guy from The Odd Couple? | ||
| Jack Klugman. | ||
| Jack Klugman did The Pool Hustler. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| And Jonathan Winters played the other guy, the dead guy who comes back to life to play him. | ||
| That is a good episode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| That's a really good episode. | ||
| But that dummy one was one of the most disturbing ones. | ||
| Because the dummy would wait for everybody to leave and go, come on, you could rob her. | ||
| The purse is just right over there. | ||
| Just take it. | ||
| Don't be a coward. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| Today they would change the language a little. | ||
| There's Duncan. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Is this on film? | ||
| Are we filming this today? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So people know I'm on, right? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| We tweeted it, too. | ||
| Yeah, I'm Dice. | ||
| Anyway, just in case. | ||
| They know who you are. | ||
| This is the greatest show. | ||
| You know, you just get in it. | ||
| I've done this before. | ||
| You just get in it. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's like Opie and Anthony used to do their show. | ||
| There's no fucking around. | ||
| Yeah, just have some fun. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| What about people asking questions and shit? | ||
| Interview on interview. | ||
| Yeah, just have some fun. | ||
| Oh no, I don't think we ever really did a formal interview. | ||
| I wouldn't know where to start. | ||
| You're too friendly to me and too influential. | ||
| Yeah, we became good friends through the years. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I watched you turn into Joe Rogan. | ||
| No, serious. | ||
| Like, from the time you came to the store, like, you were figuring it all out, and you became this... | ||
| I remember coming over to Joe. | ||
| He has a hit fucking sitcom on the air, and I'd always see him at the comedy store. | ||
| I come over to him one night, and I go, how come you're here? | ||
| Like, you have a hit show. | ||
| Like, why aren't you on the road? | ||
| I was going, you know, there's a lot of fucking money on the road for a guy that has a hit show. | ||
| And that's, I think, when you started doing The Road. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I also told it to, what's his face, the guy... | ||
| Who's the guy that works with Whitney Comm a lot? | ||
| Chris D'Elia? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, you know, I would see D'Elia in the coffee bean all the time, and he crushes on stage. | ||
| And I go, don't you go on the road? | ||
| He goes, no, I'm writing material. | ||
| I go, the road, you have a hit show. | ||
| Like, what's wrong with people? | ||
| Yeah, I always thought as long as I was still doing... | ||
| Well, the goal for a lot of guys was always to get a TV show. | ||
| Well, Ari Shafir, I scream at on the phone. | ||
| Like when he started doing his show now on Comedy Central, I'm on the phone with him. | ||
| This is like the first season. | ||
| At the beginning, I call him, I congratulate him, I go, so do you know your next two or three moves? | ||
| You know, if the show like starts taking off. | ||
| He goes, no, I haven't really thought about it. | ||
| I go, why not? | ||
| You're waiting 15 years for this. | ||
| You talk to me about not having money to pay your fucking rent. | ||
| Now you have a show. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe a club tour. | ||
| Maybe record an album. | ||
| Maybe do a Comedy Central special after that. | ||
| You know, something like that. | ||
| So if they happen to take the show and flush it in the toilet after the first season, you have a career. | ||
| Because now people know you. | ||
| They're like fucking retarded! | ||
| They're retarded! | ||
| Well, Ari does a lot of stand-up. | ||
| No, now he is. | ||
| He called me recently and he told me all the shit he's doing. | ||
| It was 100% because of you I started doing The Road. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I remember where we were. | ||
| We were standing in that back area. | ||
| I don't even want to go back that far because you've done and come so far since then. | ||
| But it was like, whenever I see a comic doing well, I'll always look to like, oh, look, this is what you got to do. | ||
| You're nuts if you don't do it. | ||
| Well, it meant a lot to me because when I was a kid, way before I got into comedy... | ||
| I was a fan of yours, and I was listening to you with this girl that I was dating once. | ||
| We were in the car, and we were listening to it on a cassette, and we were fucking howling! | ||
| We were howling! | ||
| And this girl thought you were the funniest thing ever, and that was what made her cool. | ||
| Like, she wasn't uptight, because a lot of people, back then, you know, the people that don't realize, like, sort of the course your career's gone, like, Dice was unquestionably a different thing. | ||
| You were the biggest comic ever when I was a kid, 100%. | ||
| When you were filling up arenas, there was a different thing going on where people could repeat your shit. | ||
| They could say, what's in the bowl, bitch? | ||
| And you would see 15,000 people going, what's in the bowl, bitch? | ||
| It's so fucking crazy. | ||
| It was a different thing. | ||
| You know what frustrates me when I talk about the arenas with anybody? | ||
| You know, like, you know, they always bring up the garden, which was an honor, you know, to play. | ||
| It's the most famous arena ever. | ||
| And I did the two nights there. | ||
| But I always tell these interviews, I go, do you understand I did over 300 sold? | ||
| I go, the first tour alone was 26 cities. | ||
| Over 300 of these, and they'd be gone in a matter of a couple hours before the Facebook, before Twitter, before fucking followers. | ||
| I go, all people did was follow me into the fucking arenas. | ||
| I go, I wasn't tweeting and arguing with fans on Twitter, you know. | ||
| Well, it all became a thing. | ||
| It became a thing from Ronnie Dangerfield. | ||
| Yeah, it went that quick. | ||
| It was so fast. | ||
| It was gigantic. | ||
| And this is all word of mouth. | ||
| But my point being, then you hit... | ||
| There was a lot of backlash against you. | ||
| It was so insane. | ||
| It's starting again. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, yeah, I'm doing some interviews and like... | ||
| This one guy, I don't want to say what newspaper yet, because it's all giant papers. | ||
| They're doing these profiles on me now. | ||
| I'm going to New York next week. | ||
| I've got to sit down with the New York Times. | ||
| It's like crazy shit again. | ||
| This is like the build-up since I started doing your show from Entourage to, you know, to the Woody Allen thing and now Scorsese and now my own show. | ||
| It's like, you know, number one working with, you know, guys like Woody and Scorsese was unreal. | ||
| And... | ||
| Yeah, those are two crazy directors. | ||
| But this one guy doing a profile piece comes and he sees me in Vegas at the Laugh Factory where I've been doing like a little residency to stay like sort of low key till this hits now. | ||
| And I'll announce dates later on the show where I'm performing. | ||
| But anyway, and I really wanted to give this guy a real show. | ||
| And the way I perform now is very, very theatrical. | ||
| It's all acted out. | ||
| You know, I sit in a chair, I'll stare at a guy. | ||
| If a guy goes, I'm married 32 years, I'll actually fall down onto a chair and just look at him like, you're kidding me, right? | ||
| I've been married also a lot. | ||
| But not to the same one. | ||
| Like, I break it up. | ||
| You throw a redhead in, you throw a brunette in for eight years. | ||
| The same thing? | ||
| I go, you know, we might be becoming friends now, but I gotta tell you, as your friend, in a lot of ways, you hate yourself. | ||
| And the guy's going, I don't hate myself. | ||
| I go, you don't hate yourself? | ||
| You're fucking the same girl for 32 years. | ||
| What does that tell you? | ||
| You admitted to me you never had an affair. | ||
| Who does that in life? | ||
| Who doesn't want to go out there and stick every fucking wet box they could get their hands on on the tip of your fucking dick to the roots of your balls just for the goof? | ||
| And even if you get caught, you flip the switch on your chick. | ||
| You go, I did this for you. | ||
| You were busy with the kids. | ||
| You were busy with your new business. | ||
| I wanted to stay wet. | ||
| Every load she took, I was thinking of you. | ||
| Now go make me a fucking steak. | ||
| I don't want to talk about this no more. | ||
| So the reporter sees this? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| The reporter sees this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And gets upset? | ||
| So after the show, he says to me, but obviously my show's a goof. | ||
| It's comedy. | ||
| It's pretty obvious. | ||
| And he goes, Dice, now that you're being looked at as this great actor now, why would you perform? | ||
| And I'm like, you're kidding me, right? | ||
| I go, it's what I do. | ||
| It's what I love to do. | ||
| I love to affect people. | ||
| I like people to walk out of a room going, I've never seen anything like that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, you know, when you're looking at a guy in the crowd who's sitting with his wife, and he's with his best friend, okay? | ||
| A double date. | ||
| And I go, let me tell you. | ||
| He said, you got a best friend? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, this guy. | ||
| I'm friends with him for 25 years. | ||
| He's your best friend? | ||
| Did your best friend ever call you one time? | ||
| Because you got a hot-looking wife. | ||
| She's got them big kettleball fucking tits hanging down. | ||
| Every holiday he gets to hug her a little too close, maybe. | ||
| When was the last time your best friend ever called you and said... | ||
| Last night, I jerked off thinking about your wife. | ||
| And the guy goes, I go, never, right? | ||
| Because he's really not your friend. | ||
| I would call you. | ||
| I would tell you, last night I wheelbarrow fucked this animal. | ||
| She's walking on her hands, picking up water with her teeth for me. | ||
| You know, I go, and then you bang her the way I tell you, and if it works out like my scenario, I give you the next scenario. | ||
| That's a friend. | ||
| Not a guy hugging your wife, never turns around and says, Oh, I love your wife's fucking ass. | ||
| The way those pants split her fucking crease between her legs. | ||
| You might think your wife is ugly because your friend never takes the time to tell you how many loads he drops just thinking about her. | ||
| So don't tell me he's your best friend. | ||
| He's your worst fucking enemy in the world. | ||
| I'm the friend. | ||
| It all makes sense. | ||
| And you're getting negative feedback from this? | ||
| That doesn't even make any sense. | ||
| Well, because... | ||
| No, because it's all done as a goof. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Like the guy's going, well, why would you do that material? | ||
| I go, well, why should I go on stage? | ||
| And go, you've been together with a woman 32 years. | ||
| Obviously, you love your family. | ||
| You raise beautiful children. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear that. | ||
| But here's a question. | ||
| Why does it have to make sense? | ||
| Why can't it just be funny? | ||
| That's my whole thing. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| You know, I've always said that, like, when people ask me, like, what's your favorite kind of comedy? | ||
| Like, I just want to laugh. | ||
| Like, when Joey is saying the most ridiculous shit, I laugh harder than anything I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| It doesn't have to make sense to me. | ||
| He's in a coma. | ||
| No, I'm fine. | ||
| But it's like movies. | ||
| That's an appetizer. | ||
| How come movies can be ridiculous? | ||
| Ridiculous in what they're showing you? | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Especially violent. | ||
| I mean, think about how many violent movies there are. | ||
| Every fucking couple months there's some crazy movie where a hundred people get shot. | ||
| It's constant, right? | ||
| But a guy on stage just talking in ridiculous, absurd ways about sex. | ||
| Why is that pissing people off? | ||
| Even in comedies. | ||
| And it really started around the time they came with... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I said with those glasses on, too. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| But the thing is, it started with that Mary movie that Matt Dillon did years ago where she's got a load dripping off her head. | ||
| And everybody's hysterically laughing. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| But if you say it as a comic, it's like, why would you say that? | ||
| Because it's what I do. | ||
| But the way you're saying it, it's so over-the-top crazy. | ||
| It's absurd. | ||
| It's so absurd. | ||
| I don't understand why people don't just think it's ridiculous. | ||
| The last time I went to see a comic, it was me and Norton and Anthony Cumia and Bobby Kelly and Brian Redband. | ||
| You weren't there, were you, Jamie? | ||
| And we went to see you at the Riv. | ||
| It was awesome! | ||
| I had a fucking blast. | ||
| I had a great time just sitting there as an audience member, watching, and some of the shit you're talking about is so preposterous. | ||
| It almost makes me angry that anybody would have an argument with you, like, saying something wrong with what you're saying, because you're saying shit that's so... | ||
| Like, you were talking about how your kid could catch gay by the way you bang your wife. | ||
| But also now I'm getting questioned. | ||
| Who's Dice? | ||
| Who's Andrew? | ||
| So you know what the line is? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Because I wear the fingerless gloves all the time. | ||
| So I go, we share the same fucking closet. | ||
| What am I going to tell you? | ||
| I don't know how to separate the two for you. | ||
| They go crazy from that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they don't want to allow that for some reason. | ||
| Like, there's all sorts of weird art forms that they allow people to act differently in acting. | ||
| You become a character, and then you're who you are offstage. | ||
| But in comedy, for some reason, they want to combine the two. | ||
| Always. | ||
| And sometimes it is. | ||
| Some guys are exactly who they are. | ||
| But even now, I'm self-deprecating on stage. | ||
| I talk about getting older, this and that, all that shit. | ||
| Years ago, I never did any self-deprecating stuff. | ||
| It just wasn't who Dice is. | ||
| Dice was supposed to be just a comedic hero for people. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And Dice came out of your act where you used to do a bunch of different impressions, right? | ||
| All the impressions. | ||
| You have a fucking fantastic Stallone. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| He's got like a great Travolta. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Travolta. | |
| Travolta's off the chain. | ||
| I love Jack that he got to work with him. | ||
| The Joey guy, when I saw him in Grudge Match, I was like, that's fucking great. | ||
| Two of my heroes. | ||
| And you also do a mean-ass Travolta. | ||
| Who was one of the guys? | ||
| Oh, Pacino in the court movie. | ||
| Oh, did you do Eric Roberts? | ||
| No, Eric Roberts. | ||
| Eric Roberts? | ||
| Back when Eric Roberts was famous. | ||
| Charlie, they took my fucking thumb, Charlie. | ||
| Sometimes you gotta whack them. | ||
| You say you put your coat on and you don't say goodnight to nobody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| And that's just to humble them. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| That was a great movie. | ||
| Do me a favor, don't cook. | ||
| The contents of my balls is on your face. | ||
| Oh, I can't believe you remember that. | ||
| Listen, I'm driving by the comedy store one afternoon just looking for a free lunch. | ||
| See, maybe someone left a sandwich out at the comedy store. | ||
| And I'm rehearsing in the original room to tape. | ||
| I pull in there and the parking lot's kind of packed. | ||
| I'm like, why are these people here? | ||
| One in the afternoon. | ||
| This has to be 99. And I walk in and I hear piano. | ||
| And I look in there and there's like 20 old people. | ||
| And Jeff is on stage playing and Dice is on. | ||
| And he's doing this fucking thing. | ||
| Because I forgot it. | ||
| The contents of my balls is on your face. | ||
| Yeah, we take like famous standards. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I'm in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The contents of my balls is on your face. | |
| Can't take my cock out of you. | ||
| Your box is too good to be true. | ||
| Yeah, Frankie Valli really liked that one. | ||
| He even asked me, like, why would you do that to my most famous... | ||
| He did? | ||
| I go, it's hysterical. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| You know, I could have been swearing to God, but I wanted, like, a ballad. | ||
| Don't you think that the blowback is less ridiculous now, though? | ||
| Oh, no, 100%. | ||
| You remember when, like, they went after you? | ||
| I'm, like, embarrassed by the shit they're saying about me with the acting. | ||
| See, when you sit there and go, you know, when you came to know me, I was filling out all those arenas and all that shit. | ||
| Like, I take a lot of pride in that because I know I set a standard for comics that today when I see, you know, like, Louis C.K. call me before he went on at the Forum. | ||
| It's nervous. | ||
| You can't blame the guy. | ||
| It's 18,000 people. | ||
| And I'm going, Louie, you don't have to do anything other than who they've come to love. | ||
| Don't exaggerate it. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| Just be you. | ||
| Because it's so many people. | ||
| But what I love is that some of the guys have filled those places now. | ||
| And I go, of course, I took the heat for it. | ||
| You know, and I don't mind that history now. | ||
| I didn't mind it back then, but I didn't realize the effect it would have on the future of comics. | ||
| Well, it was very important, and it was overlooked by a lot of people who were, you know, they talk about free speech all the time. | ||
| Like, what happened with you was really overlooked, because it wasn't... | ||
| That what you were doing was anything more crazy than anything that was in the movies, anything that was in literature, anything that was in books or magazines, even, you know, articles. | ||
| What you were doing was just a really extreme version of stand-up comedy. | ||
| I mean, that's all it was. | ||
| Bigger than life. | ||
| That's what it's supposed to be. | ||
| Really fun to watch. | ||
| And some people decided that your character promoted, you know, in the most ridiculous ways, promoted misogyny or... | ||
| Hatred. | ||
| Hatred against gays. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| And it wasn't. | ||
| And that's the funny, it was just funny fucking jokes. | ||
| Right, but how come? | ||
| And it was at a time, you know, because I remember when Ellen came out of the closet, I loved that girl. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I had nothing against gay people, but at the time I was doing this act is when they were fighting for their rights, when they wanted to come out of the closet. | ||
| You know, but when I moved to Hollywood, and here, now, you know, like, you know, with, what's-his-face, Caitlyn Jenner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now, years ago, when I would do a joke about that, you know, I would go, and what's with these trans testicles? | ||
| I go, you meet the girl of your dreams, right? | ||
| You whiner, you diner, you take her home, you put your hand up a skirt, you hold in a tree trunk. | ||
| That's not hate. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And now today, everything's changed. | ||
| So, like, when that happened with Caitlin, there she is doing a two-hour interview about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, it's all accepted. | ||
| It's all good. | ||
| I don't care what anybody does. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But... | ||
| It's just like I couldn't believe that backlash, because I'm going, I say nothing about hating anybody. | ||
| Even with the sexist remark, when they call him a sexist, I go, it's not sexist. | ||
| I go, I happen to love women, and I love having sex with women, and I love making fun of how people make such a big deal over sex. | ||
| I go, that's all it's about. | ||
| So I like to paint these bigger-than-life cartoon pictures of people having sex, that they laugh at themselves. | ||
| Because we put so much on it. | ||
| You know, just so much on the act of banging your chick. | ||
| And it's the one moment in life with everything in the world that goes on. | ||
| I'm sure you guys are saying, I just lose myself in that. | ||
| When my balls are bashing into who I love for hours on end, that my own wife has to say, I'm only a girl. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But it just takes... | ||
| I'm kidding about that. | ||
| But the point is, it's like the one moment in your life... | ||
| You know, when you're blowing it out from the bottom of your nutbag, from all the pressure you might have gone through that day, you forget the world for those moments. | ||
| The greatest feeling ever. | ||
| If I could laugh hysterically and be coming at the same time, I could die at that moment and I'll be happy. | ||
| The two greatest things ever. | ||
| To laugh as hard as you can from like something the best buddy would tell you that you can't control. | ||
| The kind of laugh where you go, you gotta stop. | ||
| I can't breathe. | ||
| And you're blowing your load. | ||
| I could take death at that time. | ||
| All good. | ||
| That's a good way to go. | ||
| Yeah, but how do you get the laugh going? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard to laugh and cum at the same time. | |
| You have to play a prank on her. | ||
| And then you have to fight off guilt to really enjoy it. | ||
| You play a prank on your chick. | ||
| She looks at you. | ||
| The same prank I do to you that you might laugh hysterical. | ||
| She'll go, why did you say that? | ||
| I go, alright. | ||
| Let's go to the mall. | ||
| Ari and I were talking about that yesterday. | ||
| About how comics say and do the meanest fucking shit to each other, and it's hilarious. | ||
| We were talking about guys knocking... | ||
| Ari knocked a pill bottle out of some dude's hand. | ||
| Sent all his mints flying, but there was some, I guess, Valium? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| You had an Altoids 10 and there was a Vicodin or something in it. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| But that's typical comic shit, right? | ||
| Joey, you've been with the same girl for a long time now. | ||
| How's that feel? | ||
| Have you seen Little Joey yet? | ||
| I can't complain. | ||
| His daughter's adorable. | ||
| I can't complain. | ||
| We started talking a few months ago. | ||
| I wanted him to play this bouncer in Still Rebels' first video. | ||
| But he was out of town, so we couldn't use him, obviously. | ||
| Are you having more fun now than you've had before? | ||
| Thousand percent. | ||
| It's lighter. | ||
| Yeah, you seem real relaxed. | ||
| Even when everything was going great for you, in the past, you were real stressed. | ||
| Because I was under a microscope. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| And you were one of the only guys. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| There was Kinison, and Kinison died, and then you were still alive, and you were the guy that people would get mad at. | ||
| And I remember when Kurt Loder was mad at you. | ||
| Remember that shit? | ||
| The fucking MTV guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That I don't remember. | |
| What was that? | ||
| Wasn't he mad at you? | ||
| Kurt Loder. | ||
| Everybody was mad. | ||
| Did you do get banned from MTV for telling some jokes about feminine hygiene products? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What happened, if you want the little MTV story, that they keep throwing at me also... | ||
| What happened was, I was booked, Arsenio was the host, and I was booked to bring out Cher. | ||
| Which I looked at like that's because I'm a Cher fan. | ||
| She was coming to my show. | ||
| She came to the Wilton, the amphitheater, the LA Forum. | ||
| So when they asked me to bring her out, it was like, that's great. | ||
| MTV Awards. | ||
| So now a couple minutes before I go out, Dick Clark calls me over backstage and he goes, look... | ||
| You might have to stretch a little because Cher's getting dressed. | ||
| And I'm like, what do you mean she's getting dressed? | ||
| She wears nothing. | ||
| She wears a thong and some nylons. | ||
| That's the outfit. | ||
| And he goes, well, if you've got to stretch, Arsenio will come over and you'll do something. | ||
| I go, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's not how it works with me. | ||
| I go, I've been watching this whole show. | ||
| I saw Richard Lewis come on and just freaking eat it. | ||
| You know, Paul Reiser tried to come out and talk about... | ||
| This to an MTV audience. | ||
| You know, 6,000 people at the amphitheater. | ||
| Paul Reiser's talking about the hats that Frank Sinatra wears. | ||
| Crickets. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And my friend... | ||
| My friend Hot Tub Johnny says to me, he goes, look... | ||
| You could go out there, you could be a teardrop, or you could be a tidal wave. | ||
| He goes, look what this guy's telling you. | ||
| You're going to stretch? | ||
| So now, because he took me on the side, and as he takes me on the side after Dick Clark talks to me, they start introducing me. | ||
| So I'm angry. | ||
| So I come out, and I just go into my act. | ||
| The poem was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, the famous poem, I think... | |
| Georgie Porgie pudding and pie jerked off in his girlfriend's eye. | ||
| When her eye was dry and shut, Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| You know, so that was like the poem I did. | ||
| You know, and then I was talking about... | ||
| Did he kill? | ||
| Yeah, killed. | ||
| I was crushing. | ||
| You know, my manager at the time, Sandy Gallen, after I came off stage, they have all these tents with press, and they took me from each tent, and not one question was asked to me. | ||
| But I got press for two years after that. | ||
| I mean, every day. | ||
| And the arena shows, if I was doing one arena show, let's say in Milwaukee, there were three now. | ||
| So it's doing 60,000 people for the weekend rather than 20. I did over 12 million people in a four-year span in arenas. | ||
| Right after that MTV thing. | ||
| Yeah, when it got bad, I was doing 10,000 people a night. | ||
| So, you know, this is after they crushed Ford Fairlane, you know, and I'd be walking around New Orleans with my father and he'd go, you're supposed to be done and you're doing 20,000 people at the Sundome tonight. | ||
| What is wrong with Hollywood? | ||
| You know, it was just insanity for many years. | ||
| Well, they had just decided that they were gonna blackball you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was it. | |
| Push you on the outs. | ||
| And I remember watching it going, this is kind of fucking creepy. | ||
| It's kind of creepy that they all just decide that this isn't a valid art form. | ||
| That the kind of shit that makes me howl laughing. | ||
| Like, if you really meant what you said, you really were a bad guy, it wouldn't be that funny. | ||
| It's funny because it's a character. | ||
| Yeah, because I know I'm a good guy. | ||
| And it's ridiculous. | ||
| That's why I had this little argument with this interviewer, because after he saw me in Vegas, the guy I was telling you a few weeks ago, first he interviewed me in L.A. So he got to meet Max, he got to meet Dylan, and I know you guys know them and the kind of guys they are. | ||
| They're great kids. | ||
| I actually say they're the two nicest guys I've ever hung with in my life. | ||
| They're so well adjusted. | ||
| I'm not talking about the rock band. | ||
| When they're on stage, they are who they are. | ||
| They're rock stars on stage. | ||
| That's who they are. | ||
| But when they're off stage, they're the most respectful, funny, nicest guys I've ever hung with. | ||
| Not even as sons, just as guys, because they're both men now, 21 and 25. And to hang with them is like a privilege to me because they're just great guys. | ||
| They could hang. | ||
| They could talk to me about any fucking thing. | ||
| Imagine Dice being your dad. | ||
| No, but that's the beauty of them. | ||
| They know they could come to me with anything. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They just recorded their first full album, okay? | ||
| So there's one song called I Gotta Have, and I call that the sex song. | ||
| Because it's all sexual. | ||
| All the words are sexual. | ||
| And Dylan writes all the songs. | ||
| So the night before he's going to record it, he comes over to me in the backyard with smoking a blunt, you know. | ||
| And he says, Dad, did you ever really hear the words, Do I Gotta Have? | ||
| Because we're going to record it tomorrow. | ||
| I go, well, in the clubs, it's hard to pick it all up because of the sound systems, you know. | ||
| So he does the words, and it's all sex. | ||
| And I go, it's perfect. | ||
| It couldn't be better. | ||
| I go, and what's beautiful about it, it's not filthy. | ||
| It's just sexual. | ||
| And that's a great thing coming from a 21-year-old because what should you be talking about? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's all you know about. | ||
| But I'm saying, this guy got to meet my sons, hang with my sons, hang with Valerie, hang with Eleanor. | ||
| So he got to talk to me just one-on-one as a human being, and then after he sees me on stage in Vegas, it's like, why would you do that? | ||
| Now, who's Dice? | ||
| Who's Andrew? | ||
| I go, I've been, I've been, I'm sorry I ever took that name on. | ||
| You know, because it's like, it's the same guy. | ||
| I am from Brooklyn. | ||
| I do have an attitude. | ||
| I do smoke cigarettes. | ||
| You know, but I don't walk around my house, you know, grabbing my dick going, take that! | ||
| You know, it's a joke. | ||
| It's all a fucking joke. | ||
| I don't want to get mad. | ||
| It's too early in the day. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Don't get real mad. | ||
| But the TV show now, Dice, it is a hybrid. | ||
| You get to see different sides of who I am. | ||
| But are they trying to say, now that you're doing these big movies and you're doing TV shows, like you're on that vinyl show too, right? | ||
| You get all these legit acting gigs. | ||
| And these legit acting gigs... | ||
| They're saying, why would you go back to what you do best and what everybody loves you from? | ||
| Because I never stopped doing it. | ||
| But think about how crazy that is. | ||
| People love you for this one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Think of Robin Williams. | |
| Didn't Robin Williams continue a stand-up career? | ||
| Didn't Richard Pryor continue a stand-up career? | ||
| Robin Williams took a long time off, didn't he? | ||
| No, but even Eddie Murphy did the stand-up to whatever happened to him. | ||
| But even when he started doing the big movies, he was still doing concert films as a stand-up. | ||
| What's wrong with doing your first love? | ||
| Well, not only that. | ||
| What's wrong with doing it when, you know, that's what people want to see? | ||
| It's just bizarre that people would decide that the movie thing is more legit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like what everybody's really going for. | ||
| Well, you know, I love acting. | ||
| I've always loved acting. | ||
| That's why I even got on stage as a comic. | ||
| Because I didn't want to go to acting school once a week. | ||
| I wanted everyday training. | ||
| So I put together the act that you brought up earlier with Jerry Lewis and to Travolta. | ||
| And I took that all the way up to doing Don Kirshner's rock concert. | ||
| And... | ||
| After that, I was thinking, well, you know, at that time, a lot of directors would come in to the comedy stores. | ||
| As a matter of fact, the first movie I didn't get, but I got close to, was the movie Diner, you know, that Barry Levinson directed. | ||
| And he saw me at that, but now I was on stage being dicey. | ||
| So this guy flies me to New York. | ||
| He puts me in a school to learn the Boston accent with a teacher, and I was killing with the part. | ||
| And obviously I didn't get it in the end, but that's why I'd be on at the Comedy Store, because I just wanted to hone acting chops. | ||
| And then I finally did get, you know, Michael Mann when he did Crime Story, which was thrilling to me. | ||
| You know, to be in a show with guys, Kevin Spacey, David Caruso. | ||
| And you were fucking great. | ||
| Crime Story was a great show. | ||
| What's in your mouth, Joey? | ||
| Piece of gum. | ||
| I thought you threw another one in there. | ||
| No, I threw another one in before I got on the 101. You gotta loosen up the stress. | ||
| You gotta pop another star. | ||
| The actors that were on that show, you know, that was Dennis Farina. | ||
| That was Tony Dennison. | ||
| But, you know, when you're working with guys like Kevin Spacey, who was already starting to get known, and, you know, just everybody. | ||
| Michael Madsen. | ||
| You know, just Ted Levine. | ||
| You know, the Buffalo Bill... | ||
| You know, he's done a million movies, but the most famous is, you know, with Clarice, whatever the fuck. | ||
| You told me that story about how you got... | ||
| Crime story. | ||
| And that's everything I do in an audition now. | ||
| How you fucked around when the camera was rolling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They called you while you were at Rascals and told you you got it. | ||
| No, no, I got it. | ||
| What happened is I got it five months later. | ||
| What happened, I went to read for Bonnie Timmerman, you know, and I figured Michael Mann would be there, you know, like, you know, watching, but he's not there and she's just filming it. | ||
| So I get mad at Michael. | ||
| So I start talking into the camera because I was reading for the gangsters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I'm like, oh, so you're a tough guy. | ||
| You don't have to show up for a fucking audition? | ||
| What's your problem? | ||
| I'm not big enough for you to sit in an office and watch? | ||
| Okay, so after three days of not hearing anything, you figure, all right, I didn't get this part. | ||
| Five months later, I was visiting in New York, and my mother's waking me up going, your agent called three times already from William Morris. | ||
| You got to call back. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So I call her up. | ||
| And I'm having coffee with my mother, but what I'm hearing in the phone, I can't believe. | ||
| She goes, you got booked on the show Crime Story, five seasons. | ||
| You know, and this is what the pay is. | ||
| I think the pay started me at like $2,500 an episode. | ||
| Guaranteed 7 out of 13. ABC. You know, and I'm looking at my mother. | ||
| She's like, everything alright? | ||
| You know, is everything okay? | ||
| And I hang up. | ||
| I go, I just got a TV series. | ||
| I gotta go to Chicago Sunday night. | ||
| NBC. Oh, is that? | ||
| Alright, I'm sorry. | ||
| After Miami motherfucking Vice. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| Who does that shit? | ||
| That was nuts. | ||
| So it was paying off the acting. | ||
| You know, and then I did the movie Casual Sex near the end of that. | ||
| And then the Rodney special aired. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| I still remember Joe Rogan being in a motherfucking halfway house. | ||
| And I had furloughs. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And they said to me, the new rule is you can't go out on New Year's Eve, even if you have furloughs. | ||
| So they had conference rooms at the halfway house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I said, let me ask you guys a question. | ||
| What can I do in the conference room on New Year's Eve? | ||
| And they said, nothing. | ||
| I go, what if I fucking rent it? | ||
| And they go, you can rent it. | ||
| What do you want to offer us? | ||
| I go, a hundred bucks, and I want the air conditioner on all fucking night. | ||
| Because they always turn the air conditioner off. | ||
| I fucking put the air on, I brought, there was a TV in there, and I rented a VCR. And I told all the invics, I go, what are you guys going to do? | ||
| Sit in your fucking rooms? | ||
| Or you go watch this comedian, Andrew Dyson? | ||
| Nobody knew who he was. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Nobody knew who he was. | ||
| And I threw the fucking VHS in. | ||
| And that's what I did for New Year's Eve. | ||
| And at that moment, I knew I got to do this. | ||
| Yeah, that's what you told me when you came to L.A. when I first met you. | ||
| Would you like to buy a flower for the lady? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, so I could plant it in your ass. | ||
| I was crying not from funny. | ||
| I was crying because I had those thoughts. | ||
| This was the voice that was living in my head when I walked around and I saw somebody and people were like, oh, look at that lady's dress. | ||
| I'm like, she's a fucking dirty fucking cunt. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| But that's the voice I had in my head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So when I watched Dice... | |
| You're saying this is just a beautiful, poetic thing. | ||
| She's in 30 Conway FC. This is the voice. | ||
| You have no fucking idea the voices. | ||
| I was living in Boulder amongst Gentiles with slippers that thought the world was beautiful. | ||
| And in the back of my head, I had this inner voice that would always look at people and judge and go, look at this fucking Jamoak. | ||
| With his fucking Birkensox. | ||
| I bet his wife's a vegan. | ||
| The pH is off in her pussy. | ||
| When they're vegans, the pH is... | ||
| The pussy smells like a carrot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| It smells like fucking grass. | ||
| Because they're vegans, the pH is off. | ||
| So I would sit there and say... | ||
| I would say all these dirty things in my mind. | ||
| So the first time I saw you at that halfway house, I knew, I gotta do this, try it. | ||
| Because this guy, he's doing me. | ||
| This guy's doing the guy that's living in my head. | ||
| This was who he was. | ||
| It's good to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good to know about all the inmates around the country. | |
| Well, if there's more inmates like Joey, we just got to figure out how to get him out, calm him down. | ||
| Well, I remember when I met Joey, and he goes, you know, the back steps. | ||
| He goes, I'm here because of you. | ||
| That's why I'm doing this. | ||
| And that's a compliment to me. | ||
| You know, it's like, wow. | ||
| All bullshit aside, you were at the front of the line for free speech for comedians. | ||
| People can decide whatever. | ||
| No, it's offensive. | ||
| No, it's this. | ||
| No, it's that. | ||
| At the end of the day, it's a kind of art. | ||
| And you might not like it, but I'm not asking you to go listen to gangster rap either. | ||
| You listen to whatever the fuck you want to listen to. | ||
| I'm not saying you should go see a mob movie and watch a hundred people get shot up. | ||
| But if you want to do that, you should be allowed to do that. | ||
| And somebody should be allowed to make that movie. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| People like it. | ||
| I love the people. | ||
| I've been getting a lot of cool people coming to see me lately in Vegas. | ||
| I mean, it's like people I look up to that I like their music. | ||
| People have come way around. | ||
| Like this past weekend, Pitbull came with his whole show. | ||
| You brought 20 people to the show. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| And this guy's sitting there telling me, Dice, he goes, I was watching you before you made it. | ||
| Because I did, like, certain tapes that were out there, like, with Red Fox. | ||
| And he goes, I was watching you. | ||
| He knew when, in 87. And Rodney wasn't until 88. He goes, I saw you, like, before that. | ||
| So when they told me last night, they're taking me to see you, and this is what they call Mr. Worldwide. | ||
| He's unreal, this guy. | ||
| It blows my mind, the kind of people that... | ||
| He was seven years old watching me. | ||
| That's like crazy shit. | ||
| Bruno Mars a few weeks ago. | ||
| And these are people I look up to that I love their work. | ||
| How many seats is that place, the Laugh Factor, in Vegas? | ||
| Oh, it's small. | ||
| It's 340. Oh, that's nice. | ||
| And now, you know, I'll come back there in April, and then in May, they're putting me in the big showroom. | ||
| But I told Harry Basil, I said, you know, I'll go in the big showroom for that night. | ||
| I don't care, but I'd rather work... | ||
| Three nights for the same money in the small room than get more money in the big room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, because I love being on top of the people. | ||
| I'm not out... | ||
| I mean, there are certain big things that are now coming my way. | ||
| There is talk about going into the garden in September again because... | ||
| I sort of owe that to myself and the fans, you know, because things have built to this crescendo again. | ||
| So it's like, why not? | ||
| And plus, my sons could be there and see it all come down. | ||
| And that's thrilling for me because I feel the reason they're doing really well now is because I teach them by example how to go after something. | ||
| And about eight years ago when I had to start gambling again just to pay my mortgage, you know, I would tell my sons... | ||
| You had to start gambling to pay your mortgage? | ||
| Yeah, because I just wasn't making enough money in the gigs. | ||
| You know, so I quit gambling for ten years. | ||
| What kind of gambling? | ||
| Blackjack. | ||
| Are you just really good at it? | ||
| Well, I had 30 grand. | ||
| Long story short, I turned it into a million one-fifty in a couple days. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And I only play alone. | ||
| That's how I play blackjack. | ||
| And, you know, I was nice enough to give a lot of it back, you know, over time, but that's what gambling is. | ||
| But through these last few years of building up again, you know, trust me, Woody Allen didn't go, I want you in my movie, here's a couple million dollars. | ||
| It doesn't work like that. | ||
| But it was an honor to do a movie for him, so I still had to do the gambling, and I ended the gambling with getting all the money for them to record their album. | ||
| Because, you know, it's still not ridiculous figures. | ||
| I'm paying back taxes. | ||
| I'm taking care of things that take a few years to take care of. | ||
| But I also knew rock and roll was coming, you know, with vinyl and roadies and Guns N' Roses back together and now Jethro Tull. | ||
| And all these great rock bands are coming back, so I wanted my boys prepared. | ||
| So I gambled till I got every dime I needed For them to record, like I would call Dylan from Vegas and go, book another week in the studio. | ||
| It's handled. | ||
| And then I stopped. | ||
| Just done. | ||
| Because now I am doing well again. | ||
| I'm doing concert tours. | ||
| It's happening now. | ||
| How long did you gamble for? | ||
| Well, this last run was about eight years. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| But you did it profitable. | ||
| Yeah, I would lose, like any gambler. | ||
| And they show gambling in Dice the show, you know, because it's a hybrid of my life. | ||
| But you use that as a strategy to figure out how to make money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Well, you know what? | ||
| You know, when my back's against the wall, you know, when my back is against the wall, you know, the bottom line is I'm always going to take care of my family. | ||
| That's the way it is. | ||
| And I do what I have to do, you know, to handle those things. | ||
| You know, so, I mean, you know, Bruce over here would say, don't gamble, this and that. | ||
| You know, but, you know, I've helped him out. | ||
| I helped everybody out that needed the help when we needed it. | ||
| And now we're doing good, so I just stopped. | ||
| That's just a crazy thing to plan on. | ||
| To try to make money by gambling. | ||
| Well, you know, the bottom line is, when you sit down to gamble, number one, I only play alone with a dealer. | ||
| And you only play blackjack. | ||
| And only blackjack. | ||
| So it's just you and the dealer, that's it. | ||
| But whatever you put up in front of you, the only way to win is you've got to be willing to lose every penny in front of you with no fear to beat them. | ||
| And a lot of the times I won, and a lot of the times I'd walk out of there not winning. | ||
| But it's nothing I recommend. | ||
| You know, just like a performer, I had a certain feel for it. | ||
| You know, I mean, I could walk into a casino, you know. | ||
| I mean, years ago, I'd play, you know, half a million at a clip. | ||
| You know, that was years ago when I was doing, like, the arena shows. | ||
| You could gamble, like, a half million dollars a night? | ||
| I could win or lose a half a million in a half hour. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You know, there was a day I lost a half a million by noon, and by five in the afternoon, I won it all back, plus another 55,000. | ||
| It was plays like that. | ||
| But now it was more about win 10 grand, which to me is pretty simple to do. | ||
| You know, because I'm so used to playing gigantic figures from years ago. | ||
| So if I lose, if I sit down at a table of five grand and I'm down 2,500, I'm not gonna sweat that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I know I could get that back in 30 seconds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, most of the time I would. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So you win 10 grand, you call your kids, you go book the studio. | ||
| Let's get it done. | ||
| Joey, did you throw another one down? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I wish you a lot of luck. | ||
| I'll be there cheering for you on the 10th. | ||
| Thank you, Joey. | ||
| You know I love you. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| You're the reason I'm here. | ||
| Thank you for being here. | ||
| Mazel tov. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I'll see you Monday for lunch. | ||
| All right. | ||
| For 12 o'clock. | ||
| Jamie, I love you. | ||
| You want to sit? | ||
| Thank you to the Joe Rogan. | ||
| Where are you at this week? | ||
| I'm in Brea, so... | ||
| I'm in Boston. | ||
| I'm doing the Wilbur. | ||
| Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| I love you too, brother. | ||
| I don't want to make this short, but I've got to do these interviews. | ||
| I could sit with you. | ||
| We've done three hours. | ||
| We could do it again anytime. | ||
| I will come here anytime. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're the best. | |
| And Joey, thank you again. | ||
| For me, it's an honor. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Dice the TV show. | ||
| Give me a pound. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| Another great... | ||
| It's always great with him. |
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