Feb. 2, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:35:58
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| We're live. | ||
| That was like a modified Brody. | ||
| That was like Brody with somebody else. | ||
| Who's the other person? | ||
| It was like, I copied two people's voices there. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Like Brody's more like, yes! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Positive! | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's more like Brody. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| A little buffer, a little drawn out. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe a little buffer in there. | ||
| Buffer. | ||
| It's time! | ||
| That dude blew his knee out once doing that. | ||
| He blew his ACL. That's how much he explodes into that jump when he goes, it's time. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| Did he do it live? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He popped his fucking ACL out. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Did he fall or did he just kind of like catch himself? | ||
| He just walked it off. | ||
| Walked it off and then got surgery. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, and he had to be like ginger on it for a while because he used to do crazy shit, man. | ||
| You know, when you filmed him doing the Buffer 360? | ||
| A lot of people forgot about that. | ||
| He's a madman, that guy. | ||
| Do you remember what UFC it was? | ||
| 100. Oh, that he hurt his knee? | ||
| I wonder if he had to do it after he tore it. | ||
| He had to go back on in the ring. | ||
| On a torn ACL. I think if he did, it wasn't for very long. | ||
| I think he just went ahead and got it fixed real quick. | ||
| And then, you know, because if you get your ACL fixed and they give you like these pretty lightweight carbon fiber braces, you could walk around in it like okay. | ||
| Like it's not cool, like it's not, you don't want to go long distances, but they can kind of brace you up pretty good with a minimal brace post-surgery. | ||
| You just got to be real careful with it. | ||
| You know, you don't want to hurt it again. | ||
| When I hurt my knee recently, I had to go to CVS and get like one of those knee things for my knee. | ||
| I had to buy like a cane and so I have all these like knee things. | ||
| Dude, how bad you hurt your knee? | ||
| Pretty bad. | ||
| I couldn't walk on it to the point where I bought a cane. | ||
| The same knee that you had problems with? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| What was the original problem with it? | ||
| I have this problem where my knee pops out of place and like it For like a week or so, I could almost not even walk on it. | ||
| It pops back in okay. | ||
| It's only happened a few times, but it happened recently, and it was so bad that I couldn't walk. | ||
| And when you go to CVS to buy a cane, all the canes are like feminine. | ||
| They all have glitter on them. | ||
| There's not like an old man cane that's gray or something. | ||
| No, it's all like sparkly. | ||
| So I have a nice blue sparkly cane. | ||
| What do you think that is? | ||
| Is that a marketing move? | ||
| Is there a lot of ladies that are hurting themselves? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's just so old people can see it. | ||
| They're like, oh, sparkly canes. | ||
| I guess when you get old, you don't care about if it's sparkly. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You can see it. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Hurting your knees is not good, man. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| And I constantly think about it too because it's it always happens when I'm just like doing something mild like I'll turn to the side But I'll pivot on it or something that just pops out you probably have at the very least like something wrong with your meniscus it could be like I used to have this thing called a bucket handle tear and What it would be is you know like a bucket handle like flip over? | ||
| You know one way or the other well it gets stuck and Like flipped. | ||
| Like a piece tears and then it gets stuck like wedged up. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I had that where it was bad for a while. | ||
| It would just kind of give out on me. | ||
| And then one day in jujitsu class, it just got wrapped up the wrong way, like upside down. | ||
| Like my leg kind of got yanked in some way. | ||
| My leg completely locked up. | ||
| It was brutal. | ||
| But it was a pretty quick fix. | ||
| It's a way easier fix than an ACL. Because with an ACL, they have to replace your ligament. | ||
| It takes a long time to heal. | ||
| But with the meniscus, like six weeks later, you can do jiu-jitsu again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| My old roommate had this thing where his shoulder would always pop out of place and he'd be like, oh my god, ow, ow, but then he would have to hit it against the wall to pop it back in. | ||
| Like Mel Gibson? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It was exactly like that. | ||
| Damn, that's not good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, see, like, stuff like that, they can fix that. | ||
| You should get that fixed. | ||
| Yeah, I don't talk to him anymore. | ||
| Doesn't that surgery suck? | ||
| Sucks. | ||
| With all the rehab? | ||
| Yeah, people that have serious shoulder surgery are pretty universal in saying it sucks, depending upon how badly you fuck it up. | ||
| But like, you know, like a guy like Cain Velasquez, he's had it, and he came back from it, but it took a long-ass time before he was fighting again. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Those are bad surgeries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the knee one, though, man, they might be able to just trim that shit. | ||
| Like, you should find out what it is. | ||
| Because if it's just a meniscus tear, dude, I'm telling you, they go in there, they scope it. | ||
| And if it's not that aggressive, it's not a gigantic tear, you'll be fine. | ||
| It's only happened like three or four times my whole life, so it's like, I'm 41, it's fine. | ||
| If it happens, it happens. | ||
| As long as you just don't move a lot. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| Continue your sedentary lifestyle, semi-sedentary. | ||
| Are you still doing your losing weight thing? | ||
| Yeah, I just did my first month, finished my first month, and it was 17.3 pounds, I think it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's incredible. | |
| Yeah, in one month. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible, but then I think, alright, I still have 23 pounds for two months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't think like that. | |
| Don't think like that. | ||
| Think that you're committed. | ||
| Dude, that's amazing. | ||
| That's a very impressive accomplishment. | ||
| It's hard to do. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I miss bread so much, though. | ||
| I haven't had any bread since then. | ||
| I haven't had any cheese or anything like that. | ||
| I almost snapped the other day. | ||
| I was just so hungry. | ||
| I was like, I just can't eat chicken or vegetables anymore. | ||
| Well, this is what it's like. | ||
| As you get older, your body just sucks more and more at processing the kind of food that you love. | ||
| Your body's like, dude, enough with the fucking spaghetti. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| It's just like glue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It tastes so good, though. | |
| One thing I noticed though, immediately, all my acid reflux, gone. | ||
| Like all that, like burping and just like stomach acid, completely gone from that. | ||
| I don't know if it's the cheese or if it's the bread or... | ||
| That's fascinating, man. | ||
| You know, we had this guy on Mark Sisson the other day, and he's the author of The Primal Blueprint, and he was talking about he had irritable bowel syndrome, which whenever I hear that, I don't even want to know what that is. | ||
| I feel like I have that. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| Yeah, IBS, you get shitty. | ||
| Diarrhea all the day. | ||
| Diarrhea all the time. | ||
| All day. | ||
| I usually have that, but that's from drinking. | ||
| That's not IBS. That's just death. | ||
| That's just death making its way through your veins. | ||
| The evil alcohol. | ||
| Yeah, well, he told me that he cured it all. | ||
| By just eliminating grains. | ||
| He doesn't take in very many carbohydrates at all. | ||
| He doesn't do any breads or pastas or things like that. | ||
| Most of it comes from fruits and vegetables. | ||
| Mostly vegetables, right? | ||
| And meat. | ||
| It was essentially saying that he had all these issues. | ||
| And obviously, what works for one person might not necessarily even be as good for another person. | ||
| They say that there's different styles of human. | ||
| You know, the people who are your ancestors come from specific backgrounds. | ||
| Your diet is going to be like... | ||
| I should find out if that's bullshit, though. | ||
| Because, you know, I've heard that before. | ||
| That always seemed like bullshit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It was like a recent study. | ||
| They were talking about it. | ||
| That there was like... | ||
| To eat your DNA... You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Remember that thing? | ||
| Like your genetic ancestors or something? | ||
| Yeah, they were trying to, like, say, oh, you're a specific type, and that type needs a lot of red meat. | ||
| You know, you're this type, that type needs a lot of carbs. | ||
| It seems like that makes sense, getting some kind of, like, you know, scan of your body, of what your body needs or lacks or needs more of than other people. | ||
| It just makes sense, right? | ||
| Yeah, it totally makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, especially if your body's like developed, like your ancestors developed in an area where they needed specific types of foods. | ||
| The ancestral diet, that's it. | ||
| Should you eat like your ancestors? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I mean, this came out pretty recently. | ||
| This was just at the end of last year. | ||
| But I think, is this saying that there's more than one type of person? | ||
| More than one type of diet? | ||
| I think this is just talking about a specific ancient diet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what I think this is. | ||
| Because I think that's what the ancestral diet idea is. | ||
| The idea this Mark Sisson guy was talking about that's really fascinating to me is that when you're taking in all these carbs, you're taking in a lot of sugar. | ||
| And when you eliminate sugar and eliminate inflammatory foods, your body operates more efficiently. | ||
| It's just healthier. | ||
| It has more resources to fight off illness and inflammation and things like that. | ||
| It's a fascinating concept. | ||
| So I think it might not work for everybody. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What the fuck do I know? | ||
| But I'm going to give it a shot for a little while. | ||
| I'm going to see what it's like. | ||
| It's pretty interesting because my diet went from McDonald's to Wendy's every day to pizza every day. | ||
| I really had the worst diet ever, and now it's just tons of vegetables, a little protein, and I don't feel tired anymore. | ||
| I feel like I can feel the food work almost. | ||
| It's interesting how just changing your diet from just crap to super healthy, how much you can feel it immediately almost. | ||
| Yeah, it's incredible, right? | ||
| And working out. | ||
| Getting the endorphins. | ||
| I've never had that in my life. | ||
| Two hours later, I'll be like, why am I so happy? | ||
| I'm bouncing around. | ||
| I've never felt that before. | ||
| I've worked out before. | ||
| I've never felt that. | ||
| But for some reason, this time around, I'm just like, oh my god, I'm happy. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| I'm happy. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| They've said that they've done studies that show that depression can be cured just as easily with alcohol. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Thanks, Joe. | ||
| With alcohol. | ||
| I'm out of here. | ||
| With exercise, rather. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were comparing it to people that got on SSRIs, and they were saying they're pretty similar results in a lot of people. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| People that really started doing a lot of cardio, doing a lot of running and things along those lines, that's something that's supposed to be specifically good. | ||
| You need both kinds of things for your life. | ||
| You need some kind of strenuous stuff, whether it's body weight stuff, push-ups or something like that, or anything that really gets your strength going. | ||
| And then you need something that's just cardiovascular. | ||
| When you do those things together, man, your body just relaxes. | ||
| It's more adaptable. | ||
| It's more just loose. | ||
| Is your bedroom completely blacked out, darkened? | ||
| When you wake up, do you see sunlight when you wake up in the morning? | ||
| Very little. | ||
| Yeah, why? | ||
| I just blacked out my room recently. | ||
| My window is right next to the sun. | ||
| When you wake up, it's just right there. | ||
| I've always done that in hotel rooms, and I've always felt like a creep. | ||
| Yeah, you feel like when you're in Vegas or something like that. | ||
| Well, I always feel like when I'm in a hotel room, when I'm closing all the windows, closing all the curtains, there's something about locking yourself in a totally dark room in a strange place. | ||
| It's just bizarre. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And I took, like, I found, like, there was a little crack where I couldn't, like, my blinds didn't fix it or anything. | ||
| So then I went to the store, the hardware store, and they had, like, these decals where you can, like, put it on your window. | ||
| So I made my windows, like, stained glass, thinking that way. | ||
| So now it's like I have this weird, like, blue room that just glows blue. | ||
| But it sucks, though. | ||
| I was like, why did I do this? | ||
| Because now... | ||
| I have no idea if it's daylight or nighttime anytime I'm in my room. | ||
| That's not good for you. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| You need a circadian rhythm thing going on. | ||
| Speaking of blue, did you see that thing that I posted today? | ||
| I retweeted, rather. | ||
| It was about some blue lava. | ||
| There's a place in the world that has blue lava. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Why is it blue? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's fucking Avatar. | ||
| That's Narnia or wherever the fuck those people are from. | ||
| Where were they from? | ||
| On Obtanium Island or something? | ||
| Where the fuck were they from? | ||
| I can't remember the name. | ||
| I can't remember their planet. | ||
| It made me think of something. | ||
| Have you ever heard of the Kentucky Blue People? | ||
| There's something like that. | ||
| While I'm looking this up, I'm going to look that up too. | ||
| Kentucky Blue People. | ||
| Someone told me about that and I didn't believe them. | ||
| Is that like the Jersey Devil? | ||
| Have you ever heard of the Jersey Devil? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's supposed to be like a flying demon that lives in the woods of New Jersey. | ||
| Remember that guy that got poisoned and he was all blue? | ||
| I wonder if it... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The Russian... | ||
| Was it a Russian guy? | ||
| And he got poisoned. | ||
| Oh, the guy that got poisoned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His face changed color. | ||
| Turned into Papa Smurf. | ||
| Well, he had all the scar tissue all over his face. | ||
| Remember that, too? | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
| Well, that was the crazy guy that did the... | ||
| That guy was using that colloidal silver shit. | ||
| He was on Oprah. | ||
| He passed away recently, unfortunately. | ||
| From this? | ||
| That guy, specifically, the guy that was on Oprah that was blue, he passed away recently. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I read a story about it somewhere. | ||
| He says this was an entire family. | ||
| Oh, that's different then. | ||
| This is a different guy. | ||
| I wonder if that was their diet, too. | ||
| Real blood disorder. | ||
| Oh, blood disorder. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Why did I have to repeat that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blood disorder. | |
| Like we don't speak the same language. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yes, blood disorder. | |
| Now the other guy was... | ||
| There's the blue lava. | ||
| But the other guy was blue because he drank colloidal silver every day because he thought it would like... | ||
| Heal, you know, like fixed diseases or something like that and Someone explained some scientists explained it might have been Neil deGrasse Tyson. | ||
| I forget who it was but they explained why Drinking colloidal silver would have that effect on your body. | ||
| I don't think it was Neil deGrasse Tyson I can't remember who it was. | ||
| But anyway, they went into this scientific explanation of why drinking colloidal silver can permanently stain You're body purple like that guy. | ||
| He must have drank like massive quantities of it. | ||
| But I forget what the reaction is, but the reaction's permanent. | ||
| Like fucking what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| I wonder if the blue is just like... | ||
| Like almost kind of like a fire that's around the lava that looks blue, kind of like a flame. | ||
| Oh, and this thing? | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| No, it doesn't look like... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The gas vents, called fumaroles, which blast hot sulphur gas, stain the surrounding landscape of bright yellow, and the ignited sulphur burns with a blue thing. | |
| My name is Reuben Wu. | ||
| I'm a photographer and a filmmaker from Liverpool, UK, but currently based in Chicago. | ||
| The blue flame is too dim to be seen in the daylight, so I had to wait until dusk for it to be seen. | ||
| And the moonlight was dull enough to show the flames as well as reveal the surrounding landscape. | ||
| I also used long exposures in many of my images, which allows for pictures which show an extended period of time rather than a split second. | ||
| I'm playing a horrible instrument while talking. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Why does that look so fake? | ||
| He used a photo trick. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Is that a real photo? | ||
| Was that real that we were just looking at? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why does it look almost like comic book-ish? | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, these pictures are incredible. | |
| This is incredible. | ||
| This photographer is fucking amazing. | ||
| He has a good camera. | ||
| But look at this. | ||
| The fact that he's captured this shit. | ||
| Is he the first guy to ever capture this stuff? | ||
| Is this something that people have known about? | ||
| I want to see video of it live, though. | ||
| See, that's the problem. | ||
| I wonder if this is just a photo trick, like, yeah, there's a little blue flame to it, so I'm going to keep the exposure open a little so it looks a little bit more blue than it would with your naked eye. | ||
| This is video. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| That just looks like fire or something. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of what he said it was. | ||
| It was like the methane. | ||
| The sulfur. | ||
| Yeah, red and orange. | ||
| Dude, it's incredible. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| They have sulfur problems here in Los Angeles. | ||
| You go through some of these places, it just smells like farts everywhere because of the sulfur. | ||
| Sulfur? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's sulfur. | ||
| In Calabasas, when I lived there, sometimes it would just smell like eggs everywhere. | ||
| And it's because of sulfur. | ||
| What, is it like a natural sulfur that comes out of the ground or something? | ||
| Yeah, it comes out of the ground. | ||
| Speaking of that, what is up with that gas leak? | ||
| Gas leak, yeah. | ||
| Apparently it's horrific. | ||
| Yeah, it's really bad, right? | ||
| Yeah, and it's going to take the months to try to figure it out and close it off. | ||
| It could get worse, right? | ||
| Something could happen. | ||
| It seems like somebody could accidentally smoke a cigarette and we blow up. | ||
| All of us blow up. | ||
| I don't know how flammable it is. | ||
| I don't know if it's something like that. | ||
| I don't know if it's something that's easy to ignite. | ||
| But I know it's a health concern. | ||
| I think there's a concern, too, that it might collapse further. | ||
| Like, they don't know exactly how to shut that thing off quick. | ||
| It's gonna take them some time and some engineering. | ||
| Couldn't they just pour a shitload of concrete all over it and just walk away? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think you can, man. | |
| It's gas. | ||
| I don't know how they do this. | ||
| I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind, my puny little mind, around what kind of knowledge it takes to stop a fucking gas leak. | ||
| A pipe. | ||
| It's natural gas, too. | ||
| It's different than like... | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I'm kind of asking. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I thought it was a pipe. | ||
| California gas hasn't dropped like it has all over the country. | ||
| It's pretty, it's like almost, it was under a dollar for a little while in Ohio. | ||
| And it's still well over three, almost four dollars someplace this year. | ||
| People love to hear that. | ||
| We're going back to the 70s, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| But what do you think? | ||
| I think it's a methane, though, isn't it? | ||
| I don't think it's car gas, so I was kind of wondering. | ||
| Yeah, I think it is a natural gas. | ||
| I think that's the whole point. | ||
| But it's a pipe, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| A pipe that pumps gas to all these people, and it broke. | ||
| And they say that the hole is really big now. | ||
| And it's like they have this fucking eight foot wide hole. | ||
| I think there's people that live around there that can't go home. | ||
| They had to replace whole neighborhoods of people and they still can't go home to this day. | ||
| No, they can't go home. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| No, they had to evacuate. | ||
| 2.5 million pounds of methane every day? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| Methane's air, so it doesn't really weigh anything. | ||
| So it could be a billion pounds. | ||
| 50 billion pounds of methane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| How do they measure it? | ||
| What's a pound? | ||
| Maybe it actually has weight to it. | ||
| That's how you get to a pound. | ||
| It still has to have weight. | ||
| That's how you're measuring a pound. | ||
| That's a lot then. | ||
| It has to be a lot. | ||
| When it weighs nothing, it's a lot. | ||
| It can float. | ||
| It's like saying, right? | ||
| A ton of feathers and a ton of bricks. | ||
| Like, it's still a ton. | ||
| Yeah, but this is 2.5 million pounds of shit so light it can float. | ||
| So it's like the individual particles are very light. | ||
| They're floating, right? | ||
| They're gases. | ||
| Maybe we're getting scammed and we don't even know it. | ||
| This Jackson guy is like, we need more money to get all those pounds of gas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| BP. Bro, you gotta weigh the can. | ||
| Gotta weigh the can too, bro. | ||
| Maybe that's what it pumps into things. | ||
| And then now it's like just blowing out into the air. | ||
| Maybe that's how they're measuring it. | ||
| That's what pumps through there. | ||
| The whole thing is nuts, man. | ||
| Yeah, it says they tried using mud. | ||
| They tried doing the concrete. | ||
| They tried covering it up and it didn't work. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| When I hear they tried to do it, but it didn't work, I fucking freak out. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| That is like the last thing I ever want to hear when there's a national crisis. | ||
| You know, well, they tried to do this, but it didn't work. | ||
| Like, oh, Christ. | ||
| Like, this is a hard one. | ||
| This is not easy. | ||
| We're just so lucky there's smart people out there. | ||
| We'd be so fucked. | ||
| We would be so fucked. | ||
| We're so lucky there's engineers that work on this kind of shit. | ||
| You don't even think about it. | ||
| We don't think about the streets. | ||
| Think about the fucking highway system and you complain. | ||
| You're like, oh, they're fucking working. | ||
| Jesus Christ, they got this lane cut off so they could fix the road. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But think about... | ||
| How, in general, how fucking cool it is that we've hardened the ground and smoothed it out all across this motherfucker, you know? | ||
| And everybody's like, man, the fucking roads ruin the landscape. | ||
| Absolutely, in a lot of places. | ||
| And this place is one of them, right? | ||
| It looks like shit. | ||
| It's just a bunch of roads. | ||
| We overdid it. | ||
| We overdid it. | ||
| We got crazy. | ||
| We put too many roads in one spot, too many buildings. | ||
| We ignored the rules. | ||
| Having food nearby and vegetables and stuff. | ||
| We ignored all that. | ||
| We just said, no, let's just fucking pile on top of each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| And that's what we did. | ||
| But the idea is fucking amazing. | ||
| When you're in a place like Montana and you're driving through these mountain ranges, the roads don't bother you, man. | ||
| They don't bother you. | ||
| You don't care if there's a road there. | ||
| Because you're looking up at this... | ||
| Insane natural beauty. | ||
| And you're just like, just fuck! | ||
| This is crazy! | ||
| This is like the most insane artwork you could ever buy. | ||
| Could never look as beautiful as this. | ||
| Like, really amazing artwork. | ||
| It's always amazing to see someone's expression, and when someone does something that's really dope, it's cool, it gives us all this good feeling. | ||
| Like, wow, that was amazing. | ||
| That's a cool piece of art. | ||
| That's a beautiful sculpture. | ||
| God, that's a pretty painting. | ||
| But when you see the mountains, man, there's something about those things. | ||
| Like a snow-capped mountain, you're like, fuck. | ||
| And it's limited if you think about it. | ||
| Yeah, like that. | ||
| Look at that fucking view. | ||
| That's not going to exist in 100 years, that view right there. | ||
| There's going to be so many drones flying around, Amazon Prime crap. | ||
| There's going to be people with their hoverboards up in the air. | ||
| That's not going to exist in 100 years, that view. | ||
| Well, we would have to preserve it. | ||
| That's what the idea of having... | ||
| Public wilderness, public forests, the stuff that's supposed to be ours. | ||
| That's what Teddy Roosevelt wanted to do way back in the day when they instituted these ideas and got public land, like signed off to us. | ||
| So that, like, there's giant swaths of this country that are ours as American taxpayers. | ||
| And you can go camping in them. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| But does that include the sky in the future? | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| That shit's going to be filled with advertising and stuff. | ||
| There's going to be a drone that just sits there for years. | ||
| They'll probably try to make some laws against that if it becomes a real problem. | ||
| But like Yellowstone, look at Yellowstone National Park. | ||
| That place is fucking amazing, man. | ||
| And it's an incredible place to visit. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Like, you have a real good chance of seeing, like, bisons and shit. | ||
| You got a good chance of seeing a fucking bear, too. | ||
| You got to be real careful. | ||
| Because they've killed hikers, like, more than, I think it was... | ||
| More than one attack, and I know at least one dead, over the last five or six years, because they think that these bears are getting too accustomed to being around people. | ||
| They know that if you break into someone's car, they usually have food in there. | ||
| They know that coolers usually have food in them. | ||
| They get smart. | ||
| And so once they come around people once, like, fuck, then they start coming around all the time. | ||
| I've been fucking with my neighbor. | ||
| I don't want to admit this. | ||
| It's all funny. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He must have got a new router because out of nowhere I got a new Wi-Fi network to join and it's unlocked. | ||
| I just used it the other day just to see how fast it was just in case if I needed to use it or whatever. | ||
| I forgot that I had it. | ||
| I think that's illegal. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Especially when you're admitting it. | ||
| You can't be like, oh, I thought this was my router's other name. | ||
| This is all a dream. | ||
| I used to read Word Up magazine. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But I forgot that I had done it on my phone, and I've been connecting to it. | ||
| Every time I come home, it just connects to his Wi-Fi. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So the other day, if you have Apple TV, you can play things on your Apple TV from your phone. | ||
| It's called AirPlay. | ||
| So I wanted to show a video to somebody, and I did it, and I'm like, why is this not working? | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Wait a second, what Wi-Fi am I on? | ||
| I'm like, I'm on the other guy's Wi-Fi Apple TV. So, like, I've just been going, YouTube, gay porn. | ||
| No. | ||
| And the other day... | ||
| Dude, that's illegal. | ||
| You better stop right now. | ||
| It's so fun to do, though. | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| Yeah, but it's super illegal. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Playing gay porn on... | ||
| I guess it is. | ||
| What if he had kids in there? | ||
| I'm just playing gay porn to so much kids. | ||
| That's exactly what I'm saying. | ||
| That dude's gonna buy kids just so he can sue you. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| That and printers. | ||
| When people have printers on their Wi-Fi, you just print out dick pics all day on their printers. | ||
| That's rude as well. | ||
| That's rude as well. | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| Have you ever wondered if we can feel Wi-Fi? | ||
| Have you ever wondered if we can feel electricity in a room? | ||
| Maybe it's not enough where we can tell for sure if it was happening or if it's not happening, but enough where there's just a subtle underlying thing that your body's experiencing. | ||
| It doesn't really make sense like a radio wave like radio waves Wi-Fi satellites I mean satellite radio and TV satellite signals GPS signals What's all this we're sure for sure is this not doing anything to us because we haven't really been doing that for that long Is that something to be worried about you know If you take a cat who's the most sensitive animal ever, | ||
| that cat's just sitting there, and you turn on something right next to it that has wifi, right next to his little whiskers, you would think it would even maybe twitch just a teeny bit. | ||
| I'm sure it doesn't. | ||
| Do you think so, man, when you remote control your cat? | ||
| If you remote controlled your cat, your cat would be like, hey, what the fuck are you doing to me, man? | ||
| I think if there's anything, the cat would feel it. | ||
| I think if any animal, the cat would be the first thing that... | ||
| I mean, the cat's tripping on ghosts, you know? | ||
| Yeah, cats have amazing senses, except the sense... | ||
| Like, they're not intelligent. | ||
| They're not intelligent like a person, but they have amazing senses. | ||
| Like, their senses are off the charts, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would think, if anything, a cat would be perfect. | ||
| But I would think that their senses are only around to do what they need to do in the natural world. | ||
| I mean, that's why their senses are senses of smell. | ||
| They can feel things. | ||
| They can feel the ground moving. | ||
| Their pads on their paws are really soft. | ||
| And they can walk really quietly when they're sneaking up on shit. | ||
| Cats are fascinating little animals, man. | ||
| Have you watched any of the cucumber videos? | ||
| The cats? | ||
| It's probably one of my favorite things. | ||
| For some reason, don't do this to your cat. | ||
| Supposedly, it's mean. | ||
| But if you take a cucumber, put it behind your cat when it's not looking... | ||
| If the cat turns around and looks at the cucumber, it will freak the fuck out. | ||
| Like, something in its DNA makes it think it's a snake or something. | ||
| But there's videos, thousands of videos on YouTube of people trying it. | ||
| Almost all the time, if a cat sees a cucumber just laying behind it, it will jump up and run away or break things. | ||
| Have you seen these videos? | ||
| Why a cucumber? | ||
| I think it's something in their DNA that just thinks it's like, oh, danger, snake. | ||
| But for whatever reason, somebody just found out by mistake that if you put a cucumber behind a cat, it'll freak it out. | ||
| And then there's all these animal people that are like, don't do that. | ||
| You're stressing your cat out. | ||
| And I can see because all the cat's reactions are like death. | ||
| Like, get the fuck out of here immediately. | ||
| It's pretty funny, though. | ||
| It's some of the funniest videos you'll ever... | ||
| See, it's cat and cucumber on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to freak cats out, man. | ||
| They start pissing all over the place. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If you freak your cat out, they will fucking piss in your pillow. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I haven't had a cat in almost a year, and I don't miss the litter box. | ||
| I don't miss that smell. | ||
| I don't think I might. | ||
| I might never get a cat again. | ||
| The litter box thing's a fucking real issue. | ||
| You have a box of shit in your house. | ||
| A box of shit and cat piss from an ungrateful roommate that doesn't pay shit, that gets mad at you when you try to trim their hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My cats get trimmed and they freak out about it. | ||
| It doesn't hurt them and I pet them the whole time when the lady's grooming them. | ||
| But one of my daughters is allergic to cats and it makes a big difference if we trim the cat's hair. | ||
| She doesn't have a bad allergy but it's certainly an allergy and she's been tested for it. | ||
| So when I'm Doing this, I have to fucking just hang out with the cat the entire time. | ||
| Like, just chill, man. | ||
| I'm telling you, there ain't nothing. | ||
| It's just a little massage with a little thing. | ||
| Do you trim it or do you have somebody to trim it? | ||
| No, the lady does it. | ||
| She's a professional. | ||
| But it's weird to see them fucking freaking out about it. | ||
| I had a cat once that loved it. | ||
| She loved it. | ||
| Spaz. | ||
| Like, Spaz would just chill. | ||
| Like, you would do it, and she'd just hang out. | ||
| Spaz is not around anymore? | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spaz. | |
| Yes, she was 19. Damn. | ||
| She made it a long time. | ||
| That was a cool cat. | ||
| She's a very cool cat. | ||
| I've been thinking, though, because, I mean, I've lived with cats my whole entire life. | ||
| I've been thinking of getting one, but I don't... | ||
| The pee thing is a real problem, man. | ||
| They get mad at you, they pee places. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For whatever reason. | ||
| And if you have another animal, it's just a lottery if it gets along with the other animal or not. | ||
| It's a total lottery, especially cats. | ||
| Cats usually don't get along with other cats. | ||
| Like, it took my 19-year-old cat a solid five years to get used to Oliver. | ||
| Oliver's like the easiest-going guy, too. | ||
| I love cats, man. | ||
| They're cool. | ||
| They're like having these weird little things that live with you. | ||
| You know, they're these weird little warm love buckets. | ||
| They just come over and just want love. | ||
| They just want to cuddle with you. | ||
| Like, my cat Oliver is brutal, man. | ||
| I can't watch TV without this motherfucker demanding massages. | ||
| He just like literally like headbutts me, drops his body into my lap, rolls around. | ||
| He like demands massages. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| You gotta cucumber that cat. | ||
| He's a funny cat, man. | ||
| My cat is funny as fuck. | ||
| He's so smart. | ||
| He just likes to chill and hang out. | ||
| And the other cat, the fluffette, the white one... | ||
| That one is... | ||
| She's a little bit more assertive. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| She attacks him. | ||
| You know, a cat's like, we'll play fight. | ||
| It's always her jacking him. | ||
| It's always her around a corner, and he'll be hanging out, and she'll be like... | ||
| He doesn't know that she's back there, so she knows he doesn't know, so her little legs start shaking, and her tail starts flickering, and she's moving real close, and then she pounces on him! | ||
| And fucks him up, and then he, what the fuck, bitch? | ||
| And he backs up, and they chase each other for a couple feet. | ||
| It's hilarious, man. | ||
| But they're both such pussies. | ||
| Because they're both ragdolls. | ||
| Like, they're the nicest cats. | ||
| Even when they fight, they don't even fight. | ||
| Even when they fight, they're like, ooh, you fucking bitch. | ||
| It's like, they barely do anything to each other. | ||
| They're like fake fighting. | ||
| You know, they like each other. | ||
| They have fun together. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, cats are some of the funniest animals that exist. | ||
| I wish you could let them outside to shit, though, like a dog. | ||
| It's just gross. | ||
| Do you think these work? | ||
| Yeah, they actually work pretty well, actually. | ||
| You would think that that wouldn't work, but I know, like, three people that do it, and it worked almost immediately. | ||
| The great Robert Schimmel had a bit about it. | ||
| He goes, you know, they can train cats to use your toilet. | ||
| He goes, yeah, great. | ||
| Now when you have to go, the fucking cat's in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he goes, well, fuck it, I'll use his litter box. | ||
| And he goes, then your friend comes over, would you have a fucking mountain lion for a pet? | ||
| Robert Schimmel. | ||
| God damn, I miss that guy. | ||
| One of the first people I ever saw do comedy. | ||
| He was so nice. | ||
| God damn, that guy was nice. | ||
| He was like one of the nicest people I've ever met. | ||
| He was so friendly. | ||
| Like, every time I saw him, it's always like a happy, like, warm moment. | ||
| It was so sad when that guy got sick, and then to recover from that, and then the car accident, it was, fuck, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of people that, you know, like, you go to the comedy store and you look at the walls of how many, you know, great comics that just fucking disappeared. | ||
| And I'll sit there sometimes and just Google everybody's name that's on the wall, like, you know, see where they're at now. | ||
| It's amazing how they just fall off, like, just disappear and never do anything. | ||
| Like, what happened to this person, this person, and this person? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, people get lost in life and people move on to other shit, too, though. | ||
| You know, sometimes people just decide they don't want the stress of performing anymore. | ||
| Maybe they like other creative endeavors. | ||
| You know, you and I talked about that for a while when you weren't doing stand-up. | ||
| You know, you were making these funny videos and you were like, well, you know, I'm already kind of a comedian. | ||
| You know, it's just my audience is the internet when you were doing videos, which... | ||
| That was an excuse because I didn't want to do stand-up. | ||
| I mean, after I did that Bob Hope joke, I'm like, I'm good. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I don't want to ever feel that pain ever again. | ||
| Yeah, and some people, the risk of that pain, it's just not worth it. | ||
| It's not worth it to do that to your life. | ||
| You maybe also like painting, or maybe also like writing books, or maybe, you know... | ||
| Some people, you don't have to do it. | ||
| You know, like, that's the thing about stand-ups, though. | ||
| Like, if you do it and you don't want to do it anymore, everybody's like, boo! | ||
| You don't even want to do it anymore. | ||
| Like, you know, you fucking sell out. | ||
| Like, people will say that about Aidy Murphy. | ||
| You know, like, man, he's not real stand-up. | ||
| He doesn't do stand-up anymore. | ||
| You hear, like, the hardcore bros talking like that. | ||
| I can see, it's hard, because to be a stand-up, you really still, even know how rich you get, if you become a movie star, you're a millionaire, you still have to go in practice and go to the comedy club. | ||
| So I can see where it's easy to quit if you get to a certain point where you're like, you know what, I'm a grown adult, I'm rich, I have a wife and kids, I don't want to go to this little shitty club and practice these new jokes, you know? | ||
| So I can see how it's easy to get out of comedy, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just don't want the pain of it. | ||
| It's exhausting. | ||
| Say if you started some pursuit in your life, like if you started off and you were a painter. | ||
| You went to painting school and all that shit and you got through it and you became a respected artist and you were painting all the time, but you fucking hated painting. | ||
| Like, you were done with it. | ||
| Like, you were done with it. | ||
| You wanted to go build sailboats. | ||
| You wanted to... | ||
| You have these other ideas in your head that you want to pursue. | ||
| Like, that happens to people, you know? | ||
| So, if they quit doing stand-up, you know, that's okay. | ||
| Do you ever think... | ||
| Listen to me, I'm all philosophical. | ||
| Do you ever think there's something that you haven't started yet? | ||
| Like, you know, I'm going to learn how to play guitar this year. | ||
| Is there anything in the back of your head that you've kind of fucked around with, like the idea of? | ||
| No, because I suck so hard at the new things that I'm doing already. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| You started becoming an archer, now you're fucking Robin Hood. | ||
| Well, I'm not good at all. | ||
| I'm constantly practicing at archery. | ||
| But if you compare me to somebody who's really good... | ||
| I put a lot of hours in. | ||
| I practice a lot. | ||
| I'll shoot sometimes 100 hours in a day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's because I'm kind of obsessed with it in some sort of a weird way. | ||
| You know, it's fascinating to me. | ||
| So that's one thing I'm already obsessed with that I suck at. | ||
| And when I meet you, like, compare me to someone like Cameron Haynes or a professional archer that you, like, might see. | ||
| Like, a friend of mine just sent me this photo. | ||
| My friend Johnny Rivett sent me this photo of this young girl. | ||
| She's, like, 20 years old. | ||
| And she's won, like, I think he said three world championships in a row. | ||
| And she's an archer. | ||
| You know, like, those people are, like, really good with bows and arrows. | ||
| Like, there's a total next level. | ||
| When it's, like, they're shooting at, like, 50 yards. | ||
| And they're hitting the bullseye every time. | ||
| And on the axe itself, at 50 yards. | ||
| They're just dead calm. | ||
| And just dead on the inside. | ||
| And when they release that string, nothing moves. | ||
| And that arrow goes sailing right into that axe. | ||
| And they can do it repeatedly. | ||
| They can do it, like, ten times in a row sometimes. | ||
| These people were freaks. | ||
| It's really interesting to watch. | ||
| We used to do archery in elementary school. | ||
| That was a part of our physical education. | ||
| And I'm sure you can't do that anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I bet not. | ||
| Is it illegal to walk around Robin Hood style with a bow and arrow? | ||
| Can I walk into an Olive Garden and not get kicked out if I have a... | ||
| No, they wouldn't let you in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's a weapon. | ||
| It is a weapon. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weapon. | ||
| It's a slingshot, too. | ||
| I had some friends who brought their bows to Vegas, and the hotel wouldn't let them take them up to their room. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| Yeah, they had to check them. | ||
| Yeah, they had to check in with the hotel. | ||
| It doesn't seem right. | ||
| No, it seemed... | ||
| Well, yeah, though it does. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Some fucking asshole's gonna be on your elevator with a bow and arrow? | ||
| Yeah, but you have a steak knife. | ||
| Just shooting people in the aerial? | ||
| But you can't, like, trust these people. | ||
| You don't know them. | ||
| These people, they come in, they're not even Americans. | ||
| They got a bow and arrow. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| I mean, what? | ||
| No, you can't have this in your room. | ||
| Give me that thing. | ||
| You know, like you come to the saloon, put your fucking gun in the bucket, sir. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You come to our hotel, give me your fucking bow and arrow. | ||
| No, you can't practice in your room and accidentally shoot the fucking television. | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| What if you get whiskied up and you're working on your fucking draw length in your hotel room and you send your arrow flying through the middle of the electrical box and cause a fucking 13-story fire that kills a thousand people? | ||
| Yeah, but what if you use the steak knife from your steak and you just start stabbing everybody? | ||
| I would think that a steak knife would be way more dangerous than a bow. | ||
| You've got to stop putting ideas in people's heads. | ||
| It's like airplanes. | ||
| I always freak out where you can't have a razor blade on the airplane, but yet you can have a MacBook Pro that you can smack over the head of somebody and probably kill them. | ||
| It's hard to grip those for real impact, but a skateboard. | ||
| You could fuck somebody up on a skateboard. | ||
| They were going to change it, but I don't think they did. | ||
| They were going to make it so that it's legal to bring pool cues on. | ||
| But I think they made it so that it's not anymore. | ||
| Because, like, they thought that you beat people up with a pool cue. | ||
| But a skateboard's probably a better weapon than a pool cue. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| More distance. | ||
| Certainly more distance than you and the person you're trying to hit with a skateboard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which makes it more effective in a lot of places because you could hit somebody and they can't hit you yet. | ||
| Pool cue's gonna break pretty quick, right, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One good hit. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That skateboard's got trucks, metal. | ||
| Depends on what it's made out of. | ||
| But most pool cues have multiple pieces. | ||
| And that's part of the problem. | ||
| It's not one gigantic piece of wood. | ||
| Because for the most part, if you see a beautiful pool cue... | ||
| What a lot of players like, they like the cue to be 19 ounces. | ||
| So they work on making... | ||
| There's a few people that like 20. 20's rare. | ||
| Sometimes you'll find the outliers that like something heavy. | ||
| But they're pretty specifically between 18 and 20 ounces. | ||
| Now, for a normal person, that would seem like, well, what's the difference? | ||
| Well, to the pool players, the professionals... | ||
| It's a touch that they develop where they know the exact weight of their cue. | ||
| And so the exact impact is going to have. | ||
| So they have to balance it out. | ||
| And a lot of times the way they balance it out is by using different kinds of wood. | ||
| So they use one kind of wood for what you see, but another kind of wood for under the wrap. | ||
| And it'll be a lighter, like a maple, similar to maybe shaft wood even. | ||
| And then on the outsides of the... | ||
| The front and the back it might even just be cored where they they drill through the actual hard wood and they stuff a core in there of a softer wood so the cue achieves like the desired look and maybe uniform feel but it has a lower mass a lower weight so you can get it down to like maybe even below 19 ounces or you know for reasonably well done cue but if you hit somebody ahead with that it's gonna break For the most part, possibly. | ||
| Yeah, but if you get one of those fucking house cues, like those full splice house cues, and you grab the hard end, the dark end, you can beat the fuck out of somebody with one of those. | ||
| That's a different animal. | ||
| Because that's one solid piece of wood. | ||
| Especially those old school ones, those are like the Dufferin blanks, you know? | ||
| It's like a rosewood on the bottom and a maple on the top. | ||
| And right from the splice where it's white, that stuff's gonna break. | ||
| But the stuff above it, you could beat the fuck out of somebody with the stuff above it. | ||
| That hard shit, you could hit them as hard as you want, you probably wouldn't break it. | ||
| Probably be pretty hard. | ||
| People are like, I'll fucking do it, bro. | ||
| Okay, maybe you can. | ||
| But maybe like a normal person, it would be very hard to break that on somebody. | ||
| You could do it. | ||
| You could be some fucking, you know, Incredible Hulk type character and just smash on the first attempt, but I would imagine, like, it's a much harder and denser, like, weapon than a standard, like, very pretty pool cue. | ||
| A lot of pool cues are, like, artistic. | ||
| It's really interesting because People outside the pool world, they would think, like, what are you talking about? | ||
| There's a collector's group of pool cue addicts, and they're addicted to pool cues? | ||
| They collect cues? | ||
| But dude, you'd be surprised. | ||
| There's guys out there that have collections that are worth a million bucks and more in pool cues. | ||
| Yeah, there's people that have coin collections of butterfly things, like people that collect butterflies. | ||
| That's the creepiest shit ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dead. | |
| You got a dead bug. | ||
| Pins all over it. | ||
| I've got a new one. | ||
| I've got a new one. | ||
| Terence McKenna in an old lecture was talking about catching bugs and that there's something like because we used to eat bugs a lot when we were like primates that there's almost like this genetic excitement thing that comes when you catch a bug that's similar to what happens when you catch a fish. | ||
| You know that thing that happens when you catch a fish? | ||
| You've fished before, right? | ||
| Have you ever fished and then ate it? | ||
| Once, yes. | ||
| Just once? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I haven't been fishing since dad, like 14, 15. He would always take me fishing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's, wow. | ||
| Yeah, from Fishinson. | ||
| Fishing's fun, man. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's a great way to catch a meal, too, right? | ||
| But there's some weird fucking primal thing that happens when you pull it out of the water. | ||
| You feel like Smeagol-like or something, you know? | ||
| It's like, oh, he gets this. | ||
| He pulls this out of his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, out of its water! | |
| It's flopping around the deck. | ||
| How's this here? | ||
| You know, there's something weird about it. | ||
| There's something weird about a fish. | ||
| Like you're catching something in some alien world and yanking it out of there. | ||
| It lives in the water. | ||
| There's a living thing in the water. | ||
| And you can see them down there. | ||
| You fucking cast to him. | ||
| And you throw a piece of meat that's covered by a hook. | ||
| And he bites the meat and you will fucking yank that hook through the top of his mouth. | ||
| A giant steel barb digs into his face. | ||
| And then he's still fighting. | ||
| Like hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like pulling left and right and left. | |
| The rod is pulling. | ||
| The reel is fucking... | ||
| What is that thing called? | ||
| The clicky thing on the wheel? | ||
| The drag. | ||
| The drag on the reel is... | ||
| It's peeling. | ||
| Because this fucking fish is pulling out line, and you finally get him in there, and you suck him out of his dimension, and he's flopping around in your boat. | ||
| That is a crazy experience. | ||
| It's a crazy... | ||
| You just pulled some alien creature. | ||
| It lives in the water. | ||
| 500 years from now, let's say, 500 years, they're definitely going to figure out how to take animals and make them be able to communicate to us. | ||
| They're going to make that crossover. | ||
| 500 years? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Maybe not even 500 years, right? | ||
| But when that happens, we're not going to go fishing anymore because we're going to be talking to a fucking fish. | ||
| We're all going to die. | ||
| We're all going to be vegans. | ||
| We're going to be forced to be vegans because of technology. | ||
| Well, if we do know for sure what an animal's feeling when it dies, it would definitely be way harder to eat meat. | ||
| Way harder. | ||
| That's... | ||
| That's the argument of like the the vegan movement that makes the most sense because if we really knew but here's the thing A lot of these motherfuckers, they don't even care about each other. | ||
| Like those deer that I eat, they kill each other all the time. | ||
| They fucking stab each other with the horns that grow out of their heads. | ||
| Bears? | ||
| Bears are like cannibals. | ||
| They're all cannibals. | ||
| People get angry like if you eat black bear. | ||
| Like first of all, black bear is delicious and bears are fucking monsters. | ||
| They're cannibals. | ||
| It doesn't mean we don't want to kill them or don't want to let them live or want to extinguish all of them. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, they're cool. | ||
| It's cool having these animals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they don't give a fuck about you. | |
| Gotta recognize that they do not give a fuck about you. | ||
| Until they start talking to us and then we find out they're just very hard to get to know but they really love you. | ||
| You just gotta take your time. | ||
| But could you imagine if you found out what they were thinking? | ||
| Could you imagine if you could read minds and you just looked out into a pack of wolves that was chasing elk up to the top of a mountain? | ||
| Do you know how terrified you would be if you could read the mind of a wolf? | ||
| You'd be like, oh my god, we've got to kill them all. | ||
| Oh my god, we've got to kill them all. | ||
| Dude, all they want to do is kill. | ||
| That's all they want to do is kill. | ||
| If we could read, but we don't read their minds, so we look at them like, oh, listen to them how. | ||
| They're just jacked that they got to kill again today. | ||
| You know, they have a problem with these elk that they find where wolves get into these elk populations and they decimate the herds. | ||
| They don't even eat everything they kill. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They'll kill like many elk and just leave half the body behind or more. | ||
| They don't just sit and eat it until they're done. | ||
| They kill again. | ||
| They kill again. | ||
| Just like dogs do. | ||
| You know, you ever heard of it like, my dog got at my chickens once. | ||
| My dog has killed two of my chickens. | ||
| It's a fucking real drag. | ||
| But it's instinct. | ||
| He's not a bad dog. | ||
| He can't talk. | ||
| He doesn't know. | ||
| In his mind, chickens are death. | ||
| You've got to kill that fucking thing. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Go get it. | ||
| It's programmed in him. | ||
| It's always a dog. | ||
| You literally cannot take it out of them. | ||
| I mean, you could grow them up with, from the time they're puppies, with chickens, just like I did with my cats or the dogs. | ||
| Don't think of the cats as the enemy. | ||
| But if they don't grow up with them, they don't just accept chickens into the fucking yard. | ||
| And the dog's seven years old. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| The fuck it is? | ||
| Oh, the chickens live with us. | ||
| They're our friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Your friends? | ||
| Yeah, your friends? | ||
| Your friends? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Just leave me alone with your friends. | ||
| I want to talk to them. | ||
| Just jack him. | ||
| He was just jacking. | ||
| It's not his fault. | ||
| It's his dog instincts. | ||
| He never knew that you're not supposed to eat chickens before. | ||
| He's a grown dog. | ||
| Wolves are very similar in that way. | ||
| They want to kill things. | ||
| And they're beautiful and they're amazing. | ||
| I'm not saying we shouldn't have wolves. | ||
| But people have this idea that we shouldn't keep an eye on those fucking things. | ||
| I'm tired of talking to people about this. | ||
| Yeah, wolves are awesome. | ||
| In Canada, they're using helicopters to shoot wolves. | ||
| Because the caribou population is getting decimated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just go on a jack and spree. | |
| The wolves just take over. | ||
| They just run rampant. | ||
| When they get to a sufficient population where they can just dominate herds and surround them, they're raising them like cattle. | ||
| They're monsters, man. | ||
| They jack gigantic numbers of them if they want to. | ||
| They're not conservationists. | ||
| Have you heard about the people taking dogs into New York City at night to take and hunt out rats? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| Like, little dogs, too. | ||
| Like, little, like, fun-loving, like, even, like, shih tzus and things. | ||
| And they just fucking just, just, you made me picture it, because I remember hearing, uh, I think Mike Rowe, the guy from Dirty Jobs, talking on, uh, the Opie and Jimmy show one day about it. | ||
| Like, he went out, I think he went out with these people for a few nights in a row and made a little documentary online. | ||
| I'm trying to find it right now, but, uh. | ||
| They said it was crazy. | ||
| They go after their backs and just break their backs and toss them around and just throw them and go after another one. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Hundreds will come out of a rat pile or in a dumpster and shit like that. | ||
| And the dogs just jacking them. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| But they just do that. | ||
| That's their instinct. | ||
| As an adult, I haven't looked at a chicken's butt, but is it like an asshole in a vagina like every other animal? | ||
| No, it is a... | ||
| I forget the word. | ||
| Egg hole? | ||
| Succulent? | ||
| What is the word? | ||
| There's a word of the opening. | ||
| I forget what the word for the opening, rather. | ||
| I forget what it is. | ||
| But it's a hole that everything comes out of. | ||
| Piss, shit, babies, everything. | ||
| That seems like an upgrade. | ||
| What's the name of that? | ||
| Do you know what the name of that hole was? | ||
| Find out what a chicken's hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just remember that old porn video. | |
| I've seen this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen this? | |
| What we're looking at is a chicken wearing sweatpants and it's fucking adorable. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| It's adorable. | ||
| I just remember that old video of that dude fucking that chicken. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I just wondered, you know, if that's legit. | ||
| People definitely fuck chickens. | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| It just seems soft. | ||
| Well, if you think about it, it's made out of feathers. | ||
| It's called a vent? | ||
| A vent, that's it. | ||
| That's the word I was trying to, the technical word. | ||
| But vent sounds like I can remember that. | ||
| But yeah, everything comes out of one hole. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| It has to be pretty dirty in there. | ||
| Oh my god, these dogs are just letting them loose on rats. | ||
| Oh god. | ||
| Oh, this is so crazy. | ||
| Oh my god, this is so crazy. | ||
| This doesn't show a ton of it. | ||
| I guess this is just a little portion of it. | ||
| There's more of it online if you want to look it up. | ||
| Powerful, Mike Rowe. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| Mike Rowe has some cool-ass subjects. | ||
| His show is fascinating. | ||
| That's the Dirty Jobs guy, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He did another one, too, right? | ||
| Did Dirty Jobs and another one. | ||
| This is fucking nuts! | ||
| These dogs jacking rats. | ||
| Oh, this is so fucked up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| He says down here it's unlike anything he's ever seen, which, after doing all the Dirty Jobs, that's pretty fucked up. | ||
| I've talked about this, I believe, before once, at least. | ||
| But there was one time where I was in New York, and yet I had to use a payphone. | ||
| I didn't have a cell phone at the time. | ||
| And it was early 90s, I guess. | ||
| Real early 90s. | ||
| And I parked my car at this gas station. | ||
| I was pumping the gas, I set the pump on it, and then I went over to the payphone. | ||
| And in the time it took me to walk from that car to the payphone, put the coins in and turn around, there was three rats on my car. | ||
| They were running over the top of my wheel wells. | ||
| They were running over the top where the wheel is and then down under. | ||
| And then another one would come up and jump up and go down under and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Like, they were everywhere, man. | ||
| There were so many of them. | ||
| It's so creepy. | ||
| Because I was watching it going, you can't stop these things. | ||
| Look how many of them there are. | ||
| And I was just thinking, like, what is it like to sleep in these buildings and hear those things running through your walls? | ||
| Yeah, this is fucked, dude. | ||
| But these rats can have, like, rabies. | ||
| Well, one of them made it. | ||
| One of them made it into the sewer, huh? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Killer rap. | ||
| They give the dog a rabies shot. | ||
| Simple. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| I did this podcast with Tiffany the other day in my backyard and it ran right over her foot. | ||
| I think it might have ran in my house, though. | ||
| And so now I've been freaked out thinking there's a rat in my house. | ||
| My cat, Fluffette, we're eating and the cat walks over to the fucking table with a dried out rat. | ||
| Like an old dead rat. | ||
| Oh, gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| I had some some work done on my basement and I'm just thinking maybe there was like something trapped in the wall that like as They were cut into the wall. | ||
| She got the old dead rat. | ||
| I have no idea where the fuck it came from But it was in my house and it was like a mummy man. | ||
| Oh, maybe it was under a couch or something or maybe it doesn't make sense We've tried to figure it out I'm trying to figure it out. | ||
| It's fucking so disconcerting. | ||
| I hate this mystery. | ||
| But cats will find shit. | ||
| You know, cats will find shit, man. | ||
| Don't they bring it to you, like a present? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird, dude. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| They do that. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| They're like little fucking massage demanders. | ||
| That's what they are. | ||
| They're little tiny massage demanders. | ||
| I make the mistake sometimes of trying to write on the couch, like with the laptops, trying to write shit. | ||
| And this motherfucker just is relentless. | ||
| He'll come up and just bang, headbutt my hand, step on the keys. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| And you push him off, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I know you pushed me off, but now I'm back. | ||
| And I want the exact same thing I wanted a couple of seconds ago. | ||
| But I'm just going to try to do it a little slower, maybe. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He just wants massages, period. | ||
| Give it to me. | ||
| I would have to spray him with water to get him off me. | ||
| They hate that. | ||
| They hate even just the sound. | ||
| But I don't want to do that. | ||
| I just want them to chill out. | ||
| Why don't you just relax? | ||
| Just hang out with me, man. | ||
| I don't have to demand attention, you fucker. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see that? | |
| There's, I guess, a new either movie or series, O.J. Simpson versus The People. | ||
| Yeah, you know, I was talking about this with someone, and it was a good point. | ||
| That the people that are growing up today, like the 20-year-olds, they don't even know that story. | ||
| Like, for us, it was a part of our life growing up because we were like, holy shit, he got off. | ||
| He got off. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Everybody was pretty much convinced he was guilty. | ||
| Except those people that needed to be convinced. | ||
| And the lead-up to it, some of the most popular movies, the Naked Gun series, we all kind of fell in love with this guy. | ||
| It was kind of like, what? | ||
| Not that guy. | ||
| And out of nowhere, that took two years of everyone's life following this guy's story. | ||
| And still, it's still fascinating to this day. | ||
| When you see him on TV, when there's some sort of a prison thing going on, and you see they have photos of him, and they're moving him around or something like that, it's like, whoa. | ||
| This is strange to see, man. | ||
| I wonder if there's any way to do any new evidence using today's DNA technology to find out if he, you know, like this making the murder, you know, you haven't watched it yet. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just making this murder things interesting because of like, you know, like the technology that they're using like and stuff like JonBenet Ramsey, like it seems like they should be able to find who killed her now using today's technology. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how much evidence they still have that they have saved. | ||
| I don't know how that works. | ||
| Do you know how that works? | ||
| I'm sure they have evidence. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They can go back in there and, you know, use the... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think the real problem with that JonBenet thing is that they had fucked up the evidence. | ||
| One of the parts of the murder case that was fucked up is there was like fresh snow. | ||
| And these people would have been able to find footprints in the fresh snow. | ||
| And these cops tread all over everything. | ||
| That was a big mistake. | ||
| And the way they investigated it, apparently there were a bunch of criticisms about the way they handled it. | ||
| They just had never handled a case like that before. | ||
| It was the Boulder Police Department. | ||
| Boulder's a small town. | ||
| And you don't have a lot of fucking crazy people murdering their kids. | ||
| Or, you know, allegedly. | ||
| They don't even know who did it, right? | ||
| They never figured out who did it. | ||
| Yeah, I still think it's the family. | ||
| Well, everybody thinks it's the family, but that's a fucking crazy indictment if you're wrong. | ||
| I told you about that crazy conspiracy theory the other day that the online world thinks there's some... | ||
| Crazy serial killer that's tied to this. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They've linked him to that JonBenét Ramsey thing too, the same serial killer. | ||
| He's done these crazy stories that have no explanation for who did what and someone else has got blame for it. | ||
| It's a crazy story too, but who knows if there's anything in there. | ||
| Well, I don't know, man, but the point being, if they wanted to try to figure out who the murderer was today, you would have a real problem, I think, with the evidence being contaminated. | ||
| I mean, how much evidence do they have? | ||
| How long does a body last before you can exhume it and examine it? | ||
| What can you get from that? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| I don't have those answers. | ||
| Remember those HBO shows, though? | ||
| The real autopsy series? | ||
| I can't watch it. | ||
| Dude, that guy used to freak me out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That Michael Baden? | ||
| You know that guy, the autopsy guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I couldn't watch those shows, but I'm not into that. | ||
| I don't know if we talked about this, but there's this bridge in Pasadena called Suicide Bridge, and it was made in, I believe, the 30s. | ||
| And people die all the time off this bridge. | ||
| They just go there and kill themselves. | ||
| I know somebody that was hiking... | ||
| And he was just hiking, and there's just a girl dead on the trail, because there's like a trail that goes on the bottom of it. | ||
| And then somebody told me, I don't know if this is true, but somebody told me that when they have huge rainstorms, that all these bones just kind of wash down from this big... | ||
| Okay, that sounds like some Scooby-Doo shit. | ||
| But yeah, they say the bones washed down the mountain and then like in the trail that you'll just like see like little bone here and there that From bodies that like jumped and were never found in this like side of this Wow, if there's that many people have done it. | ||
| I mean, it's totally It's not like they're gonna do a thorough job of cleaning you if you jump off a bridge and splatter all over the rocks Yeah. | ||
| How much can they clean up? | ||
| I think it's over a hundred people though jumped off. | ||
| The last girl, the girl that my friend took, he sent me a photo of her body just laying there. | ||
| But I guess that girl lived in Woodland Hills and she was like 38 and she just, that's it. | ||
| I'm just going to go to this suicide bridge and do it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's awful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Falling does not seem like the proper way for suicide. | ||
| It's fucking real, though. | ||
| I bet the rush when you realize you've pulled that trigger and done that. | ||
| I saw that video you posted that Andy Stumpf just was teasing you guys to go jump with him. | ||
| It looked like he landed on the ground at the end of it, but I think he was triggering his parachute. | ||
| Yeah, no, he triggered his parachute. | ||
| Oh, he's terrifying. | ||
| I don't know what it's called, but there's this thing in Mexico where it's a restaurant that's up in the air where you're sitting, glass bottom, in the middle of the air just eating. | ||
| Like a hot air balloon? | ||
| No, it's like a... | ||
| I don't know if you can find it, but it's like you sit down on these chairs and the whole thing is just kind of way up in the air. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| What? | ||
| And you eat super high up. | ||
| Oh my... | ||
| It's called Dinner in the Sky. | ||
| It's 150 feet in the air. | ||
| Why would you ever want to do that? | ||
| Dude, seriously, fuck that. | ||
| What if you have to go to the bathroom? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| What if you do? | ||
| What if you're eating with Mike Goldberg? | ||
| Yeah, but you have to put seatbelts on. | ||
| Sorry, we're going to have to lower this. | ||
| Like you eat with this... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, how do you... | |
| Oh, fuck the fuck out of here! | ||
| Oh my god, it's on a crane, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And it's in Mexico, so you don't even know. | ||
| You're strapped in and they're giving you food while this whole thing fucking sways back and forth in the breeze. | ||
| They're taking selfies. | ||
| Oh my god, you people are freaking me out. | ||
| I'm nowhere near that thing and I'm freaking out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My toes are crunched up. | ||
| My fingers are crunched up. | ||
| Heights, man. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The shit you used to do on Fear Factor, man. | ||
| I don't even understand how those people can do it. | ||
| I'm so glad that nobody ever got hurt doing that. | ||
| You could do a show up there if you want. | ||
| Oh, Marriage in the Sky. | ||
| Yeah, we could do a comedy show. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Let's just promote other people doing it. | ||
| Coco in the Sky. | ||
| I'll promote a Joey Diaz performance up there. | ||
| Hey, cocksuckers, welcome to Mexico, bitch. | ||
| From the clouds. | ||
| Dude, last time I did his podcast, him and Lee just dropped acid. | ||
| And then he gave us these stars. | ||
| And I wasn't going to eat one, but I ate one. | ||
| I was with George Perez. | ||
| George couldn't feel his whole entire face, the whole thing. | ||
| And then near the end... | ||
| Maybe he's like that song. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Feel my face when I'm a Jew. | ||
| I look over at Lee, though, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And, like, that guy, man. | ||
| He, like, Joey really... | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's not here to play games. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who drops acid to, like, nine at night on a Sunday? | ||
| Like a soldier. | ||
| Like a fucking soldier. | ||
| He's an original. | ||
| You gotta let him be him. | ||
| He knows what he's doing. | ||
| Oh yeah, I know he does. | ||
| Poor Lee, though, spent the night at the studio, though, and I'm just like, man, if you eat acid, that's like a 10 to 11 hour trip usually. | ||
| So Joey, after the podcast, was probably like, alright, Lee, take care. | ||
| And this poor Lee's just sitting there tripping on acid in this random office building somewhere. | ||
| Oh, how long does acid typically last? | ||
| It used to last, I would say, about 11 hours, too. | ||
| You're like, alright, I think I can go to bed now. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it's not cool. | ||
| It's like mushrooms times five. | ||
| It used to be. | ||
| I don't know if it's the same. | ||
| My friend just did a peyote ceremony. | ||
| Oh, holla. | ||
| Native American. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Would you ever do that? | ||
| Would you ever do the peyote? | ||
| Here's the problem with ceremonies. | ||
| You're doing them with a bunch of people you don't even know. | ||
| And there was kids around here. | ||
| You don't know who's going to freak out. | ||
| You know, when you want to do your peyote, man, you should probably be alone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or be with someone you trust. | ||
| I think, you know, if you get lucky and catch a good group, you might have the time of your life at a peyote ceremony. | ||
| Or you could just be hanging out with people who are completely out of their fucking mind and also do drugs. | ||
| That's possible, too. | ||
| Like, you don't have any control. | ||
| You're just guessing whether or not this is going to make sense. | ||
| No, thank you. | ||
| I think peyote, that's the one where you puke all the time and then it lasts days or something. | ||
| Peyote's a tricky one, man. | ||
| It's some sort of a... | ||
| It's from a cactus, right? | ||
| And there's another drug that's just like peyote that's also from a cactus that... | ||
| That I think you can also get similar effects from. | ||
| I can't remember the name of the cactus, but I guess in Mexico, you can find them all over the place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| There's a movie about it, too. | ||
| I forget the name of the movie, but there's a movie about this guy that's just trying to get this cactus and trip on. | ||
| What is the active ingredient in peyote, right? | ||
| Isn't there a... | ||
| Mescaline. | ||
| Mesk, yeah. | ||
| When I was in high school, it was mesk. | ||
| The kid dropped two hits of mesk. | ||
| And they'd say mush, mush, the kid dropped two hits of mesk. | ||
| He was fucked. | ||
| Like, I remember, like, dropping mescaline. | ||
| Like, people would talk about dropping mesk. | ||
| And I'd be like, you gotta be out of your fucking mind. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| You people are animals. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few drugs, like, in the early 80s, 70s, that it seems like people used to always talk about that, like, that don't exist anymore. | ||
| Like mescaline. | ||
| Yeah, like mescaline. | ||
| And there was something that... | ||
| Joey Diaz showed me a bottle of recently that I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I didn't know that existed. | ||
| Quaaludes, yeah. | ||
| That's the Bill Cosby drug. | ||
| Is that the Quaalude? | ||
| Yeah, well, allegedly. | ||
| That's what he allegedly was in trouble for, was procuring or giving these girls this stuff, allegedly. | ||
| You know, they're saying now that there's been some problems with the trial. | ||
| It's like the first day there was some article that was written today that I read. | ||
| They were saying that one of the key witnesses doesn't think that it's legal to prosecute based on the deal that Cosby got back then. | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He made a deal. | ||
| I heard that Bill Cosby was about to buy NBC and the Illuminati. | ||
| Yeah man, the Illuminati. | ||
| They're all trying to take him down, man. | ||
| What? | ||
| I've heard that too. | ||
| Yeah, where did I read that? | ||
| So this guy was essentially saying that he's not on Bill Cosby's side, but that the actual law, the way the law is written, he gave him some sort of a deal Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| you're anyway in court he he deposition so he was willing to do the deposition based on the fact that he couldn't get prosecuted prosecuted for it So now that they want to prosecute him for the same case, this guy thinks that that is not legal. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| Double Jeopardy kind of thing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We're talking about the same cases? | ||
| There's so many cases. | ||
| Yeah, it's another smoke and fire. | ||
| That's a terrifying one, though, that this guy was doing that to people. | ||
| We all know people like that, though. | ||
| Just creepy-ass guys. | ||
| Yeah, but that's such a deep level, man. | ||
| That's such a scary level. | ||
| Scary level of creepitude. | ||
| That's the scariest. | ||
| I mean, you're watching, you're looking at people lying unconscious. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And then you're fucking them. | ||
| Is it lying unconscious or just not remembering, though? | ||
| Is it just blacking out? | ||
| Who knows, man? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think a lot of them are saying it's blacking out. | ||
| You know, man, the trauma of that, can you imagine? | ||
| If you just thought that guy was really cool and you wanted to hang out with him and you woke up with one shoe on and your panties are down by your ankles and you realize what happened, you'd be like, what? | ||
| And you don't even know what to say. | ||
| You don't even know what to say. | ||
| You're like, what happened? | ||
| What? | ||
| And especially if you're drinking together, you're having fun, having a couple of cocktails, you don't think anything's going wrong. | ||
| This diet, now I have one drink. | ||
| I'm wasted. | ||
| And the other day, luckily I didn't drive, the other day I had like two or three drinks and super bravo blackout. | ||
| Like I had no idea how I got home. | ||
| I had no idea like anything that happened. | ||
| But that shit's scary because I existed as a human for at least three to four hours. | ||
| I even like I checked my phone. | ||
| I was texting people. | ||
| Well, they say honestly when you drink a lot that's it starts happening like later in your life that like people that are They're getting drunk like five six nights a week and I'm not saying you necessarily were but their their tolerance Starts to like drop off their body's ability to fight it off starts to like drop off and the propensity towards blackouts and It's when the way it's been explained to me by someone who had a problem with it, | ||
| that it gets to this point where it's just like super common to black out, where it didn't used to be. | ||
| So it just wears on you over time. | ||
| It's definitely where I've been like, oh, I don't remember. | ||
| Did I talk to you last night? | ||
| Like that stuff. | ||
| But it's just like you remember pieces. | ||
| This is the first time that I can remember that. | ||
| It was such a straight blackout. | ||
| I was freaked out. | ||
| I just sat there and I was just trying to remember anything that happened in the last four hours or whatever. | ||
| Cut to, why is my bathroom covered with blood? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah man, blackouts are terrifying because people, they black out and they get behind a wheel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is so insane that we have a culture that sells alcohol everywhere. | ||
| You can buy guns everywhere. | ||
| You can do all this crazy shit, but you still can't openly buy weed. | ||
| As if that's going to be the tipping point. | ||
| If this whole country just says, alright, let's all just relax. | ||
| Alright, we're going to let it through. | ||
| As if that would somehow or another make this whole thing fall apart. | ||
| I'm sorry, go ahead. | ||
| The whole marijuana thing recently, I keep on forgetting that it's illegal. | ||
| The other day, I was just like, wow, this is actually illegal, what I'm doing right now. | ||
| You just kind of forget that marijuana is still illegal. | ||
| Well, Brian, you have a prescription. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But the number one thing that cops are being trained for and And the court cases is marijuana DUIs now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend's a lawyer and he goes, dude, it's surpassing drunk driving now. | ||
| As far as like the money? | ||
| Just how many people they catch for marijuana DUIs. | ||
| And it's the same DUI. Driving under the influence is the same as alcohol. | ||
| How do they prove it? | ||
| They have tests now that they can immediately just test you and they're not the most accurate. | ||
| So that's the only thing that you have going for you. | ||
| But if they pull you over and there's smoke coming out of your window or they see a joint on you that just got burnt, they can test you now and go, oh yeah, you have marijuana in your system, you got a DUI. No matter if you have a license no matter if you have anything and it's totally like one of those things he's telling me I'm like Jesus Christ you know like I you don't think about that it is still illegal and yeah well even if it wasn't Illegal, | ||
| okay, let's just say it's legal right. | ||
| I think we can all Point to like at least one or two people that we know that probably shouldn't drive high and Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So they're impaired. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's a fucking way different kind of impairment than the kind of impairment that you would get from alcohol. | ||
| Like, it's not like a muscular coordination type of impairment. | ||
| It's a different impairment. | ||
| It's like a judgment impairment, perhaps, or just freak out, anxiety, like that kind of impairment and inability to recognize when to merge, when not to merge. | ||
| Oh, I'm fucking freaking out, man. | ||
| That could happen for sure. | ||
| That can definitely happen. | ||
| And that should be taken into consideration whenever you make it legal to do anything. | ||
| We agree that it's all legal to drink caffeine and get in your car. | ||
| We all agree that. | ||
| It's speed. | ||
| You could have a monster energy drink sitting in your cup holder when a cop pulls you over. | ||
| That's meth, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's an awesome meth. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| But it's obviously not meth. | ||
| But it's like probably like how much caffeine is in one of those monster energy drinks? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Dude, those things, if you don't want to play games, if you want to just get crazy, just chug one of those big ones, like the ones that look like the lemonade cans, those giant lemonade cans. | ||
| Chug one of those fucking things. | ||
| Monster Energy drink. | ||
| Those big giant tall boys. | ||
| Those things are ridiculous. | ||
| Not that much. | ||
| Really? | ||
| This says 160 milligrams per 16 ounce can. | ||
| Wow, what about Starbucks? | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| So what else is in there then? | ||
| Well, there's probably a lot of sugar, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| What about sugar-free? | ||
| They won't have sugar-free ones. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I would have thought it was way more. | ||
| I was going to add to what you were just saying, though, but there's a certain amount of people you know that shouldn't be driving anyway, even when they're stone sober. | ||
| They just suck. | ||
| They can't handle all the input. | ||
| We have a winner! | ||
| Jamie Vernon! | ||
| We're the winner! | ||
| Yeah, I know a girl that... | ||
| I don't think she knows she's driving when she's driving. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm constantly like, you know, the light's red. | ||
| The light's red. | ||
| If I wasn't here, you would have just ran that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was watching this lady text and drive yesterday. | |
| Completely in the wrong lane. | ||
| I was like, look at this bitch. | ||
| Completely in the oncoming lane. | ||
| Just crossing over two double yellow lines. | ||
| Phone in her hand. | ||
| Texting. | ||
| Looking up. | ||
| Swerves back in. | ||
| I was like, oh my god. | ||
| She just crossed right over into this. | ||
| Oncoming Street. | ||
| Have you ever had any kind of panic attack or panicky feeling from weed recently? | ||
| No. | ||
| If I have... | ||
| Any panic attacks I've had from weed have been... | ||
| The big ones have all been from edibles. | ||
| And the panic attacks have been more like... | ||
| Just a super hard, introspective... | ||
| objective view of life and death and the cycle of things and the Sun running out of fuel eventually, this planet no longer being viable for life, that all those things are gonna happen millions and millions of years in the future. | ||
| For you, not so much time. | ||
| Everybody, not so much time. | ||
| If you're born today, well, congratulations. | ||
| You only have a hundred years if you're really, really, really, really lucky. | ||
| So for all of us, This whole thing is a quick flash where we try to figure out what's going on. | ||
| It's a quick flash. | ||
| It's happening right in front of our faces. | ||
| And we're living it. | ||
| And while we're living it, we're going, what is going on here? | ||
| What are we exactly doing? | ||
| What are we exactly doing? | ||
| We're working and sleeping and eating and funking and going to the movies, but what are we doing? | ||
| What is this race? | ||
| What is this race of people doing? | ||
| What is this weird thing that only has a hundred years of life and just starts to figure out how bizarre and weird this whole thing is before it's snuffed out? | ||
| And the new ones, what they're Similarly short lifespan, benefit from all the information passed on by the ones before them, but still, go through life like it's a dream. | ||
| Still, do everything you do and think, is this real? | ||
| What is this life? | ||
| Like, what is the sky? | ||
| What is this infinity above my head that no one talks about? | ||
| Every day, infinity is above your head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you do? | |
| You pull the visor down, put your fucking shades on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, it's fucking so bright out. | |
| You're looking at the reflection of the sun off gases in the atmosphere above your head that you need to sustain life. | ||
| And we're just so used to it, we don't even think of it as interesting. | ||
| It takes a hundred years to stop you. | ||
| You could do your best, but you hit a hundred years, it's over. | ||
| It's not enough time. | ||
| So you just start to recognize the hustle as you get older. | ||
| Well, I think... | ||
| I think, you know, if you had kids today, I think they're a little bit luckier because I feel like we're on the cuff of being able to download us, you know, very soon. | ||
| And I don't think we might miss it just by like a couple years. | ||
| I think we will become incredibly annoying spammers of ourselves. | ||
| That's what we're going to do. | ||
| We're going to be able to download ourselves, then we're just going to fucking shoot ourselves into BitTorrent and mega-upload. | ||
| We're going to put ourselves everywhere. | ||
| Like, I want to go everywhere. | ||
| I want to go to fucking Europe. | ||
| I want to be in Turkey. | ||
| And there'll be doubles and triples of people all throughout this artificial world that we've created of hyperspace. | ||
| We're going to have like a hyperspace cloud drive of humanity that's going to be just as fucking crowded as Earth. | ||
| And we're going to go, shit, we don't have enough hard drive space in the fucking cloud, and these assholes keep copying themselves because they want to be immortal. | ||
| So rich guys would have a cloud server of 200 trillion terabytes, and it would just be filled with copies of themselves. | ||
| And then they would just send out fucking fake emails. | ||
| Click here to see some dick. | ||
| Whoa, I want to see some dick. | ||
| And you click there. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| It's an exploit. | ||
| It gets into your server. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| Makes copies of himself everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, you'll be able to get Joe Rogan in your cars. | ||
| Your car has your brain and all your past and all your memories, but your car's talking to you, and it's you. | ||
| It's like, where am I, bro? | ||
| Dude, imagine if they figure out a way to... | ||
| Not just download your consciousness, but take parts out you don't need. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, take parts out that you don't need, like your ego. | ||
| Take the ego out and have this consciousness be completely compliant. | ||
| We figured out a way to isolate the ego. | ||
| We're gonna remove it. | ||
| And we're gonna put this brain in cars. | ||
| So you get in your car and you're talking to you, but you don't have your own ego. | ||
| You're like, hey man, I want to have a say where we drive. | ||
| You can't have that shit coming out of your car. | ||
| Your car has to be completely compliant, right? | ||
| That's how I drive. | ||
| I don't take advice from my fucking car. | ||
| I'm driving, bitch. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| But if you could download your consciousness, your own consciousness, in your car, your car would be literally an extension of you. | ||
| And the car thinks it's you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The car totally thinks it's you. | ||
| I can't see. | ||
| Well, the car knows that you and it are one. | ||
| And that when you're together, you're the same. | ||
| But his place in life is to be your car. | ||
| It's so fucked up. | ||
| And you could start downloading you and everything. | ||
| So you could download you in the toilet, microwave. | ||
| You'd just have little Joe Rogan who thinks it's a real person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd get invaded. | ||
| Like someone would rig your door up. | ||
| Ding dong. | ||
| You open the door. | ||
| A million Bill Burrs come piling into your house. | ||
| Because someone decided to just copy Bill Burr and put all the Bill Burr files out into the internet. | ||
| You have to kill them all because you don't want a bunch of Bill Burr's talking all day. | ||
| So you have to be like, I'm sorry, Bill Burr toaster. | ||
| I'm gonna kill you now. | ||
| They would be like wolves. | ||
| They're really cool, but you have to control the numbers. | ||
| That many of any of us. | ||
| Imagine if there was a hundred million Jamie Verners. | ||
| You would go, listen, dude. | ||
| Enough! | ||
| There's too many of you fuckers. | ||
| If people don't think about that shit, man, if it's possible to download consciousness, it's possible to copy it. | ||
| If it's possible to copy it, it's possible to spam it. | ||
| We're fucked. | ||
| Joe Rogan dildos. | ||
| Don't put that there! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Get me out of here! | ||
| Well, do you remember when we were talking a long time ago about being able to recreate a celebrity in some sort of an artificial life that will have sex with you? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| That you could do that. | ||
| Like, you could make your own, you know, fill in the blank. | ||
| You could make your own Hillary Swank. | ||
| Maybe get a Hillary Swank fetish. | ||
| You could literally have a robot sex doll that is her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like it is her. | ||
| Like if you become like some super billionaire Donald Trump type character and you got long paper, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| That guy could, he has the cash, or one of those things when they first start get designed, he could do that. | ||
| He could do whatever he wants. | ||
| We're going to get there within the next, I'd say 100 years, where they're going to have these artificial people that you can have sex with that are, you're not going to be able, they're going to be like Blade Runner things. | ||
| You're starting to describe an episode of Black Mirror that you haven't seen yet. | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Listen, folks. | ||
| I swear to God, I haven't seen that show. | ||
| I'm not stealing. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Yeah, I have to see it. | ||
| I only saw the pig fucker one. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| The one you're talking about is really cool. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's a really interesting idea. | ||
| And the way they show you how it works is cool. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They're starting it up again, too. | ||
| How many episodes? | ||
| There's six, and then there's a special Christmas one they made a little after, and now they're going to start some more. | ||
| What's the name of the one I need to see? | ||
| The name of it? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| Like I said, there's only six of them, so it's not that hard to find it. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| I have the picture over here, but it doesn't say the name. | ||
| I think it's totally possible that we're going to be able to replicate what we are. | ||
| It might not happen in our lifetime or even our children's lifetime, but it just seems to me that they just keep getting better and better at fixing things and using, like, Willie Nelson just had a stem cell operation to fix his lungs. | ||
| Willie fucking Nelson, you know? | ||
| Do you think, like, Obama recently said something about how he's putting an end to cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A wall? | |
| An end to cancer. | ||
| Like, he's like, we are going to solve this shit. | ||
| It was kind of weird, because it's like, oh, yeah, no one's talked about cancer recently. | ||
| Why is that not cured? | ||
| Because they don't want to let us know that the Zitka virus is coming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds like an old school high school football coach that's ready to fuck up the world. | ||
| The Zitka virus is here! | ||
| The second, though, you can cure cancer by taking a shot or whatever, eating a pill. | ||
| Do you think cigarette smoking will come back? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I think everybody that's been pitching about it, everyone's just going to start smoking. | ||
| Yeah, if they figure out a way, well, listen. | ||
| It's super possible that they're going to be able to figure out a way to make tissue healthier than it is now, right? | ||
| It's for how long, at what price do you pay? | ||
| You're always going to pay a price. | ||
| If you use something abrasive on your lungs, like cigarette smoke, like even joints, I've got to imagine that if you're like one of those hardened leather-lunged hash heads that's just constantly... | ||
| Dabbing it. | ||
| I just gotta think that there's gotta be at least some like irritation of your lungs from the hot smoke. | ||
| Just some. | ||
| Vaporizers none. | ||
| Vaporizer doesn't do any of that. | ||
| But I would think that just smoke in general is not the best idea for you to take in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So cigarette smoke is real bad because there's all these chemicals. | ||
| So they might be able to figure out something that can regenerate healthy tissue and get rid of the bad tissue. | ||
| Maybe they could give you some sort of a flush, you know, where they would fill your lungs up with something and it would just eradicate all the bad tissue. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| They'll figure it out, though, dude. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| They'll fix everything. | ||
| It's going to be so many people. | ||
| It's going to be such a problem. | ||
| Because they're going to be able to fix everything. | ||
| Within, like, another... | ||
| How many... | ||
| Let me make a guess again. | ||
| Fucking totally unqualified guesses. | ||
| That's why airplanes still have ashtrays, because they're, like, waiting for it to come back. | ||
| I think airplanes still have ashtrays, just for nostalgia's sake. | ||
| They don't have the new ones, don't. | ||
| Some new ones do, and they even put them in the bathroom. | ||
| They put them in the bathroom, because if they're going to smoke, they want you to be able to put it out. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's no country you can still do it. | ||
| It's not like it's just an American thing, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I bet in Vietnam or some shit. | ||
| Get on a plane with one of those fat stogies. | ||
| All flights in Philly. | ||
| Do you remember... | ||
| Do you remember cigarettes on planes? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| I didn't fly until I was a freshman in high school. | ||
| My first time was flying to Chicago. | ||
| And it was when AOL first came out. | ||
| It was the first girl I've ever met on the computer. | ||
| And I met her in Chicago and I took all these photos of her. | ||
| And I found the camera the other day. | ||
| I never got developed. | ||
| All these photos that are on it. | ||
| I should do that. | ||
| But that was the first time I ever flown. | ||
| And that was already past the cigarette thing. | ||
| It used to be really strange. | ||
| It used to be this section. | ||
| Sometimes the only place you'd get a seat on the plane was in that section. | ||
| So you'd have to be in the smoking section. | ||
| It was like a joke. | ||
| Like a hack joke. | ||
| Like a reused premise over and over again. | ||
| The smoking section on a plane. | ||
| Like a dice clay had the best take on it. | ||
| You're in a fucking tube. | ||
| He's like, you're in a tube. | ||
| The fucking smoke's going everywhere. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's the preposterous idea that you could smoke in one area and it wouldn't affect the rest of the plane. | ||
| I just googled it. | ||
| Apparently there's still a rule in the federal code of regulations that they have to have an ashtray. | ||
| And I think it's only because in 1973 a flight crashed and killed 123 people and the attributed reason was because a cigarette was improperly disposed of. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So someone still has to light one up because they break the rule. | ||
| They still have to have somewhere to put it out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wow, what a crazy concession to the most bizarre fucking habit we accept. | ||
| It's so common. | ||
| It's one of the most common bad health habits. | ||
| It's such a strange one, man. | ||
| It's so persistent. | ||
| So many people are willing to sell their health short in the wide range of their life. | ||
| All the bad ears. | ||
| Just get rid of them. | ||
| Enjoy your life with cigarettes. | ||
| That's what people say. | ||
| That's what they always say. | ||
| That's the excuse. | ||
| I mean, I have a bit about it, but there's some kind of science where they say every pack of cigarettes takes off 30 minutes off your life or something like that. | ||
| They've figured out what... | ||
| The averages. | ||
| And then if you figure out how many years you smoke, then you're like, yeah, I don't want to live to be 100, so I'll live to be 77. That's fine. | ||
| There's a bunch of those bits out there that are exactly the same as that bit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, my bit was, yeah, it takes 30 minutes off your life. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I'll just wake up an hour early every day and have two packs. | ||
| Red Band Mac. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| The other premise though, it's like, that's a beaten premise. | ||
| The premise of it, but what am I going to miss? | ||
| Drooling and shitting myself? | ||
| That was one of those things. | ||
| It's the last 20. Like, there was a bunch of people that did that. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few bits that I have retired, and it's just amazing how, you know, with all this Amy Schumer stuff and all that, I saw a I met a girl the other day. | ||
| I didn't even know she was a comic. | ||
| And she told me her website. | ||
| And so later, after I hung out with her, I went home, went to her website. | ||
| And she's just a new comic. | ||
| Opened up her front page. | ||
| On the front page, she had a video. | ||
| Press play. | ||
| It was almost word for word, one of my bits. | ||
| And I was just like, wow, that's how... | ||
| Easy it is. | ||
| She's never seen me. | ||
| I've never seen her. | ||
| We've never met. | ||
| I've only done that bit a few times, but how she said it was almost exactly how I wrote it. | ||
| There's definitely going to be cases of that. | ||
| There's no way around it, and it's totally normal. | ||
| You know, Kurt Metzger had a real good point about it, and he's one of the guys who's involved in this whole thing. | ||
| He's the head writer of Amy's show. | ||
| And he said that there's oftentimes, and it's a fact, that people write the exact same premise. | ||
| And they have no idea. | ||
| They write it completely independently. | ||
| They know they wrote it independently. | ||
| And then they'll see it on something. | ||
| And it had already been done. | ||
| They're like, oh, no. | ||
| Happens all the time because if you can see funny in something other people could see funny in something It's not we're not talking about some insane bizarre esoteric Mr. Show with Bob and Dave sketch like they had some really bizarre if you stole one of those sketches like Dude, | ||
| it's pretty obvious that this they have like really bizarre original subjects It's a very strange show and the way it's seamless it goes from one scene to the next and and one each show is like an entire piece It's all connected Have you seen the new show? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| The Netflix one? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's really, really good. | ||
| But if you're just dealing with, like, standard subjects, like sex and relationships and marriage and diseases and work and drinking and, you know, whatever the fuck it sketches on, just normal stuff, normal life stuff, if you... | ||
| Other people talk about that too, especially with sketches. | ||
| Do you know how many fucking sketches have been put out? | ||
| We were thinking about this because of this whole thing. | ||
| Think about all the years of Saturday Night Live. | ||
| Saturday Night Live has been on for how many years? | ||
| What is it, like 30? | ||
| 30. 30 years. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So 30 years of 52 weeks a year. | ||
| How many weeks are they up though? | ||
| Are they up every week? | ||
| No, not every week. | ||
| They do seasons. | ||
| Seasons? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, just whatever the number is. | ||
| 33 or something like that? | ||
| Probably more. | ||
| Probably more. | ||
| To think of all those years of sketches, and each one of them is, how long is it? | ||
| An hour and a half? | ||
| Saturday Night Live is long, right? | ||
| Hour and a half. | ||
| Hour and a half. | ||
| How many fucking sketches is that? | ||
| Over all those years, it's hundreds and hundreds of premises. | ||
| And then you have Mad TV, which went on forever. | ||
| People forgot Mad TV went on forever. | ||
| And they had some great fucking premises. | ||
| Think about how many premises they burned or used, you know? | ||
| You know, they burned off, meaning you can't use them anymore because the sketch has already been done. | ||
| Like, there's so many of them. | ||
| And you can come up with the same ideas completely independently. | ||
| And you think that you're a fucking trailblazer. | ||
| You're like, oh, man. | ||
| I don't think that's the case in Amy Schumer's stuff, though. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No, because there are multiple sketches from the same sketch. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like the slap thing, the other thing. | ||
| What I think you should find out, if Kurt's headed brighter, you should find out who's the one that took that or wrote that sketch. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Maybe hold that person responsible, you know? | ||
| It is entirely possible that people could come up with either one of those things independently. | ||
| Entirely possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Where it gets weird is that they're both back to back in the exact same order. | ||
| That's where it gets weird. | ||
| So is it possible for that to happen? | ||
| Yeah, it's totally possible. | ||
| It's all... | ||
| I think... | ||
| He put it best when he was criticizing his own show. | ||
| He's like, if we're guilty of anything, we're guilty of being hacky. | ||
| He goes, a lot of the stuff's kind of hacky. | ||
| It's not true, though. | ||
| Some of those sketches... | ||
| No, I mean, yeah, it's true. | ||
| It's hacky, but that's not true of what happened in this case. | ||
| Because these are multiple incidences of the same... | ||
| Like, as an example, the slap-shap and the shaky thing. | ||
| That's two things. | ||
| Well, the thing is that they're back-to-back. | ||
| That's what makes it weird. | ||
| Because you've seen the Flintstones thing, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So the Slap Chef, the Kathleen Madigan joke, although I know Kathleen, she's hilarious, and I'm sure she came up with it on her own. | ||
| She probably didn't know that that had been a part of the Flintstones. | ||
| She probably forgot it or never saw it or who knows. | ||
| The magician thing. | ||
| Almost copied exactly. | ||
| Yeah, almost exactly. | ||
| The girl... | ||
| In the same order. | ||
| The black girl or the black person at the retail store, you know, the Keenan Peel thing or whatever. | ||
| It doesn't look good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It wasn't Keenan Peel. | ||
| They were on Mad TV, actually, at the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it doesn't look good. | ||
| No, I mean, it doesn't look good, but what I think... | ||
| I don't think she's guilty. | ||
| I think it was writers, and I think she needs to kind of stand up and be like, look, it wasn't me, and this guy stole two bits, and this guy stole two bits. | ||
| We're assuming they did. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| The problem is, first of all, for her, she's in the worst position, right? | ||
| Because it's her show. | ||
| She's got her name on it. | ||
| But if I was... | ||
| I looked at this completely honestly. | ||
| As little as I watch sketch comedy... | ||
| I didn't know that any of those bits had been done before. | ||
| I didn't know that the... | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Pretty much all of them. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| So if somebody tried to sell those to me, I'd be like, oh, that's a good sketch. | ||
| So I guess every time a sketch comes up, you've got to enter that premise into Google. | ||
| Jim Norton and I were just talking about it this weekend. | ||
| If you're writing hundreds and hundreds of sketches, if you're doing a Saturday Night Live or something like that, how do you find out whether or not this premise has been done before? | ||
| You don't have to worry about it. | ||
| What you have to do is do your own version of that premise. | ||
| But in this case, The Magician was an exact rip-off. | ||
| It was like buying a fake iPhone from China. | ||
| It wasn't a premise that they both played around in. | ||
| It was an exact rip-off. | ||
| It was almost filmed exactly the same. | ||
| Let's say it was the exact same sketch in the exact same order. | ||
| Whether it was a rip-off... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those... | |
| It's hard to say whether someone... | ||
| Unless they come out and say, hey, I saw that guy do it, and that's where I came up with the bit, and I tried to pretend I wrote it myself. | ||
| Unless they come out and say that, it's so hard to figure out what's going on. | ||
| Just being completely fair. | ||
| It's always hard. | ||
| The problem is there's multiple instances. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Those premises, though, hmm... | ||
| There's a few of them that are pretty original. | ||
| I thought the counter guy, like her not being able to talk to the black guy, was pretty original. | ||
| But who the fuck knows, man? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| It's possible if one person came up with it, another person could come up with the same thing. | ||
| Just you don't know. | ||
| And the real problem lies in when people lie and steal and then pretend they didn't. | ||
| So if someone is, you know, you have a bit, it's a killer bit, and this guy just swipes it and starts doing it and goes, dude, I came up with the exact same bit. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| And then starts doing it. | ||
| Well, then you got an ethical problem. | ||
| Then you got a real problem. | ||
| But if you both come up with the same bit, like a tell is probably the best at it. | ||
| And one of the things that Norton and I were talking about, like a tell will go up to everybody when he has a new bit. | ||
| If it seems like it came too easy, if he's like, where'd that come from? | ||
| Have I heard this before? | ||
| He'll text you. | ||
| Hey man, have you heard this before? | ||
| He'll call you. | ||
| Like he's real diligent about that. | ||
| And if somebody else already has one, just chucks it aside. | ||
| And I think... | ||
| That's probably the best way to be. | ||
| Just do what you think is original and try to find out if anybody's already done it, I guess. | ||
| But how the fuck do you do that? | ||
| See, what I do, or what I try to do, I've always tried to do this. | ||
| Except for you or Don Barris or Brody Stevens, I don't watch comedy. | ||
| I don't like watching other comics. | ||
| I don't want to be influenced by it. | ||
| And I think if you... | ||
| As a comic, if you follow that kind of rule where you're not really watching comedy, even if you did come up with the same present, you could say with a straight face, look, I've never seen you. | ||
| I don't watch comedy. | ||
| That's what I thought of. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You could definitely look at it that way. | ||
| But there's other comics that you always see in the back of the room. | ||
| They love comedy, like watching comedy. | ||
| So if that happened to somebody like that, you'd be like, dude, you've watched me do that joke 500 times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But that's why I would have to tell you, in certain circumstances, jokes that are really common, like the one that you did know that was really common about the last 20 years. | ||
| What years are you missing? | ||
| Like, if you smoke cigarettes, it takes 20 years off your life. | ||
| I like your take on it, though. | ||
| Your take on it's pretty funny, because it's a ridiculous red band math equation. | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean, it's like 30 minutes a day, just wake up an hour early. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's a ridiculous red band math equation. | ||
| But, um... | ||
| Can you copyright jokes? | ||
| I mean, I'm looking at it right now, you can, but would you, have you heard of someone doing it? | ||
| You know, I think, look, there's a lot of us, man. | ||
| I mean, if you think about all the stand-up comics in the world, there's probably... | ||
| Thousands of us, right? | ||
| And for the most part, there's very few problems. | ||
| And one of the reasons why there's very few problems is because we kind of police ourselves. | ||
| And we make it a big point about being fair and about supporting artists that don't do it. | ||
| And not supporting artists who do do it. | ||
| And just because someone has done it in the past, too, it doesn't mean that they're a terrible person. | ||
| They can never redeem themselves. | ||
| They can never... | ||
| No, it doesn't mean that at all. | ||
| It means they fucked up. | ||
| People fuck up. | ||
| People make mistakes. | ||
| It doesn't... | ||
| It'll take care of itself, sort of? | ||
| I think more than anything, man, it's comedy fans that are policing it now. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| And I say fans, and I use it in the loosest term possible, because some of them are actual fans of the person they're going after, and some of them are just not. | ||
| You know, some of them, they've been looking for some reason why this person is no good for a while, and then when they find this, they just go wild with it, and they love it. | ||
| So they're not necessarily fans of the person. | ||
| So if they're making a video about her, they're not necessarily fans of her, but they might call themselves comedy fans. | ||
| And so they see something like this happen and they get furious. | ||
| Just have to be real careful because there's a giant issue with it being a bunch of people writing on a show and doing sketches. | ||
| It's so fucking hard to know where those things are coming from. | ||
| It's just real hard to know. | ||
| It's interesting, though, that it always seems to happen. | ||
| You know, like you had The Mind of Mencia. | ||
| You got Amy Schumer's show. | ||
| I saw the other day a John Heffron bit that made it up in Key and Peele. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, and it seems like that maybe... | ||
| The people that write for these kind of shows don't think it's that bad, especially since it's all the same network. | ||
| Well, I think, first of all, there's some people that write, and this isn't to hold stand-up comics in some crazy high form of ethics and morality, but there's some people that write on shows that are not stand-up comedians, and their ideas about ideas are different than our ideas about our ideas. | ||
| What I mean by that is... | ||
| They can get away with it. | ||
| Some of them will pilfer an idea whether it's take it from a book and rearrange it Take it from a video and transcribe it and don't give the person credit who said it the first time when when people are taking Jokes from comedians and using them to create sketches with them and pretending that they came up with them on their own It's you know, it's not it's not cool. | ||
| It's right. | ||
| It's fucking gross But they probably aren't comedians. | ||
| So it's like if you had a really funny line for a joke that was a lyric of a song, and you heard it in a song, and you're like, ooh, I'm going to put this in my act. | ||
| I'm going to have this amazing punchline in my act that is from this song. | ||
| So the joke in the song is, I'm going to pretend I came up with it on my own, put it in my act. | ||
| It's like similar in that kind of a way, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| So like someone who's not a comic, I don't think... | ||
| I don't wonder if they would... | ||
| They're not even a part of the comedy community. | ||
| They're a writer. | ||
| Like, fuck this dude. | ||
| He's gonna gank his shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just gonna become productive. | ||
| What are the odds these people are gonna watch an old 20 years episode of What's Happening? | ||
| You know, or 40 years. | ||
| How long ago was that on? | ||
| A long time ago, right? | ||
| Who the fuck's gonna watch What's Happening? | ||
| You gonna go over all those premises? | ||
| No, there might be a hilarious premise that they could pull out of that. | ||
| Why did I say What's Happening? | ||
| What's Happening? | ||
| It's terrible for sketches. | ||
| I was trying to think of some, like, a ridiculous old sitcom. | ||
| I drew a blank! | ||
| One thing I always thought was interesting is, because just from watching so many roast battles and stuff like that, is how... | ||
| Roast jokes are like the same jokes that they've used for, you know, years and years and years and years just kind of rebranded and like, and it used to be totally acceptable before there was internet before there was TV shows, you know, like the Friars Club and all that stuff like that. | ||
| They're all kind of like, Taking from each other and reusing shit that Charlie Chaplin may have said. | ||
| It's just interesting that that's one of the few things in comedy that it's kind of like an unspoken thing, but who cares? | ||
| No one's getting mad if you reuse a roast joke that Milton Berle's mom made. | ||
| Yeah, but they probably would if they were roast fans. | ||
| Hinchcliffe would probably be mad because he's a roast fan. | ||
| Yeah, well now, with TV and stuff like that, it's interesting because if they have a roast show on Comedy Central, or somebody does a joke on that, and they reuse it in their roast a few years later, now it's like, oh, you can't do that anymore, even though you used to be able to do it, and that was the whole thing. | ||
| I wonder if that's what the whole thing was. | ||
| I mean, that's what it was in the Catskills days. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In the old days, they would have these resorts from Dirty Dancing. | ||
| That was Catskills, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wasn't it? | |
| Man. | ||
| That's how fucked up cigarettes are, man. | ||
| Cigarettes took Patrick Swayze. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, we lost Patrick Swayze to cigarettes. | ||
| We lost the dude from Roadhouse with the flowing locks. | ||
| Yeah, Sylvester Stallone flexes in the mirror every day. | ||
| He's still alive. | ||
| He's like seven. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| You know how popular Dirty Dancing was and how popular that soundtrack was that they released a soundtrack like two months after that had none of the music from the movie, but it was just called like Dirty Dancing Soundtrack Part Two. | ||
| It was just a way to sell another CD. That is every girl's dream. | ||
| A beautiful man who can dance is a really manly man who will fight to defend his right to dance. | ||
| He's got perfect cheekbones. | ||
| If I say that to any other girl... | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| This guy dances. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| If I was a girl, I'd have babies with that dude. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah, you're on vacation. | ||
| You meet this guy. | ||
| He's dangerous. | ||
| He's got perfect hair. | ||
| Beautiful features. | ||
| He's supple. | ||
| He knows how to move. | ||
| He smokes cigarettes. | ||
| He looks cool. | ||
| Cigarettes got him. | ||
| Dude, Patrick Swayze's not that old. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| Like, this fucking guy died from cigarettes, and he's not that old. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are way older than him that are doing great. | ||
| And there's women that have been smoking two packs of cigarettes every day since their whole life, and they're 102. Right, right, but they look like monsters. | ||
| They become monsters. | ||
| Their body morphs and changes to accept the cigarettes. | ||
| When you're like 100 and you're still smoking, you're like some fucking cigarette burning beast. | ||
| Some thing that's inhaling this chemical that's a new part of your system. | ||
| I've been smoking for about 26 years and I look like a fresh little baby. | ||
| You're a part of the system now. | ||
| You're in the matrix. | ||
| Everybody, NBC. Everybody. | ||
| How many do you do every day? | ||
| Like a pack. | ||
| A whole pack a day? | ||
| But you know, sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less. | ||
| I think that's another thing that I might do on my podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| That's one of my other issues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| That was him in the bitter end. | ||
| He was still smoking. | ||
| His body was rotting away and he had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. | ||
| Doesn't seem like a good idea to continue to smoke when you have cancer. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| But it's weird because he was still getting treatment. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| I wonder if he laid off of it for a while. | ||
| Man, it's sad. | ||
| And he did a television show because he was hot. | ||
| He was hot while this was all happening. | ||
| So he did a TV show, and I'm sure that didn't help him, man. | ||
| The long hours and the stress of the TV show. | ||
| I forgot about that TV show. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| But he went out the hard way. | ||
| Shit's real. | ||
| Oh, that's what it was. | ||
| It was called The Beast. | ||
| Mm, 2009. Wow. | ||
| Patrick Swayze. | ||
| Damn, that's weird. | ||
| Roadhouse. | ||
| Rest in peace. | ||
| He's the motherfucker, dude. | ||
| Roadhouse is the shit. | ||
| To this day, right? | ||
| To this day, if you're flipping channels and Roadhouse is on, just watch it. | ||
| Just watch it. | ||
| It's on. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's a pretty classic movie. | ||
| It's a slice of Americana. | ||
| It's like a piece of civilization just strapped into some cultural, iconic, ridiculine movie. | ||
| They just remade another movie that was a good one of his called Point Break, which I heard... | ||
| I didn't see it, but I heard it wasn't great. | ||
| The premise wasn't even the same movie, though, but are you worried about Roadhouse coming back out and being a totally different kind of thing? | ||
| Isn't it Rhonda? | ||
| Rhonda's gonna do Roadhouse. | ||
| It's gonna be different. | ||
| She has a vagina. | ||
| It's totally different. | ||
| Did you see her on Saturday Night Live? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| Her hair was good, though. | ||
| Did you hear it was good? | ||
| You know, certain people really invest in making it their own, I think. | ||
| And then there's other people that kind of just go through the motions. | ||
| From what I saw, it just seemed like the latter. | ||
| It just seemed... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She seemed like she did a great job, but she didn't like... | ||
| She's not a public speaker. | ||
| Probably hard as fuck to do for someone that isn't a public speaker. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Especially if you're not used to it, but... | ||
| Yeah, it's an iconic thing to do, man. | ||
| I'd be nervous as fuck. | ||
| Out of all years I've done stand-up, if I had to host Saturday Night Live, I'd be nervous as fuck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Would you try? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you ever asked, we wouldn't do it? | ||
| I'm not interested in working. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be just interesting, though. | ||
| I've done... | ||
| I think I've done too much work. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I'm interested in enjoying myself. | ||
| I just think at this stage of my life, what I'm becoming more and more cognizant of as I get older is you can work too much. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It's not good to work too much. | ||
| There's a good amount of work you should do, but there's a lot of people that pride themselves in working too much and wearing themselves out. | ||
| It's something they carry around like a shield. | ||
| If you don't have to do it, I understand if you have to do it, but if you don't have to do it, you should probably have some fun. | ||
| Don't get overwhelmed with the desire to succeed. | ||
| Your whole life could pass you by if you're one of those Gordon Gekko assholes. | ||
| Your whole life could pass you by if you're some crazy hedge fund sociopath on the loose just sucking numbers out of the matrix with his fucking computer algorithms. | ||
| Like, that guy is just connected to it. | ||
| He's a part of it. | ||
| So he's successful. | ||
| But along the way, he's not even having any fun. | ||
| You know, he's just living life in this constantly stressed, Adderall-induced, like, speedy, fucking decision-making, ass-kicking, fucking mode all the time, you know? | ||
| That guy ain't happy. | ||
| That's, um... | ||
| It's a weird way to live life. | ||
| Isn't it funny that somebody asked me the other day if I can find them Adderall. | ||
| I was like, no, I don't know anyone, but if you need cocaine, I can get that. | ||
| Like, how weird is it that backwards? | ||
| You've ever been whitewater rafting? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's something you should try sometime. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I've gone canoeing down the whitewaters. | ||
| Not whitewaters. | ||
| I shouldn't even say whitewaters. | ||
| Down a river. | ||
| There's some tricky spots like some spots near rocks and stuff like that, but nothing like real fast. | ||
| The white water stuff looks fucking dangerous. | ||
| Yeah, my dad almost died doing it once because he got caught underneath the raft and he said he couldn't breathe and he just gave up and then at the last second we was floating down somebody just grabbed him out of the water. | ||
| My friend Remy Warren, who's done the podcast a few times, not the last time that he was on, but the time before that, I think the first time he was on, he told me a story about he was in the woods and he saw a body come down the river. | ||
| The guy was face down in the water. | ||
| He saw some clothes. | ||
| And then he saw some gear floating down. | ||
| And then he saw a body. | ||
| And he realized, oh, shit. | ||
| And then he saw a woman. | ||
| And the woman was bobbing her head up in the air and trying to survive and getting caught up in the current. | ||
| And he ran into that fucking water, thinking that he was going to die. | ||
| Thinking, like, I just made the biggest mistake. | ||
| I'm going to try to help this lady. | ||
| I'm going to wind up dying. | ||
| He's a strong guy, and he's in really good shape. | ||
| He hikes a lot in the mountains. | ||
| He's very fit. | ||
| For his television show, it's called Apex Predator. | ||
| He did these VO2 max tests where they made him do sprints. | ||
| They found out he's got a very high level of endurance just because he's constantly hiking in the mountains, but still. | ||
| You jump into the water and you grab ahold of somebody, they can drown you. | ||
| They could flail and you might not recover and while you're flailing around you might hit a log. | ||
| You're going down this water, it's going really fast and what happened to these people was they were doing that in a raft and the current got really fast and they hit a downed tree. | ||
| And they got fucked up. | ||
| And the dude drowned. | ||
| And he died. | ||
| And the woman survived, but barely. | ||
| And she was freezing to death. | ||
| The water was insanely cold. | ||
| So this dude jumped in the water and pulled him out. | ||
| Find out what number podcast it is so we can tell people that are listening to this right now. | ||
| But it's Remy Warren. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it was the first time he was on. | ||
| That famous country singer just died. | ||
| Kind of the same kind of situation. | ||
| 439 with Dan Doty. | ||
| Episode 439 with Dan Doty. | ||
| That's the one? | ||
| Yeah, we also have it re-uploaded. | ||
| How many times did he come on by himself? | ||
| Oh, the story's uploaded? | ||
| The story's up by itself. | ||
| Oh, beautiful, beautiful. | ||
| Episode 439. He's awesome. | ||
| That guy's a good dude. | ||
| What was the question about this country singer? | ||
| Oh, the country singer. | ||
| They found his body and it seemed kind of like a similar thing. | ||
| Yeah, he died of hypothermia. | ||
| They were in a boat, apparently, and it just overturned. | ||
| And it was in the water and the storm was insane. | ||
| They tried to risk it. | ||
| They tried to go out there and he even made a tweet about it the night before. | ||
| Saying he hopes he doesn't die. | ||
| Like, man, the storms are no fucking bullshit, man. | ||
| They're no bullshit. | ||
| Like, there's a video that I posted today that I retweeted that someone sent my way about lightning striking. | ||
| Oh, it was a Matt Staggs one. | ||
| Matt Staggs sent it to me. | ||
| Lightning striking in the middle of this, like, there's a storm going on. | ||
| These guys are out on the patio, and they're like, wow, this is crazy. | ||
| And the guy's like, I wouldn't go out there, not with this weather. | ||
| And then, boom, the lightning hits the ground right in front of them. | ||
| Play this shit. | ||
| Wait till you see this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Dude, don't go outside. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Shit myself. | ||
| First of all, fuck lightning. | ||
| Fuck lightning. | ||
| Lightning is an asshole force of nature. | ||
| That is a shitty, dirty, cheap-shotting motherfucker. | ||
| Lightning is crazy. | ||
| There's no rules, either. | ||
| Remy Warren got hit by lightning, too. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I got two Remy Warren stories. | ||
| Remy Warren, when he was a kid in high school, got hit by lightning. | ||
| Woke up with his fucking ears going, He told that story on the podcast as well. | ||
| I think that was the same story. | ||
| Goddamn, Remy Warren's amazing. | ||
| That's what it all boils down to. | ||
| Remy Warren is amazing. | ||
| Lightning hit right in front of me once. | ||
| I was in the basement. | ||
| That's not the same as getting hit by me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He got hit and he was fucked up. | ||
| I was in the basement and they have those windows in the basement, like they have window wells and stuff like that. | ||
| And I was doing my laundry or something and lightning hit right in front of me outside though. | ||
| And then like the arms of the electricity like went all over like everything. | ||
| And it scared the shit out of me. | ||
| Maybe it was actually an evil villain teleporting from the future. | ||
| Terminator style. | ||
| Maybe you thought it was lightning. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Remember that scene when Arnold is naked and his giant Austrian schlongs hanging out? | ||
| Give me your clothes. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| That movie was the shit. | ||
| Meanwhile, that's about to happen. | ||
| Automated cars. | ||
| Fucking drones. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It just appears in that bubble that cut right through everything that was around it. | ||
| Remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like a little circle. | ||
| It popped up. | ||
| That red big old dick. | ||
| It's supposed to be like burnt metal. | ||
| Why couldn't they give him some clothes? | ||
| Why do you got to pretend that you can't teleport clothes, you fucks? | ||
| You know, why does he got to be naked? | ||
| You know, get out of here. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| Fuck out of here with that. | ||
| That's probably what it's gonna be though, right? | ||
| It is probably gonna be once they figure out teleporting. | ||
| You have to be by yourself. | ||
| The first day someone gets scrambled because there's a glitch in the matrix when they're teleporting someone and they come out a bucket of feet and eyeballs and dicks in their mouth and they're twisted like a pretzel. | ||
| The first time that happens, whoa. | ||
| That's gonna be a tough day. | ||
| But we accept a certain amount of car accidents, you know? | ||
| We accept thousands and thousands of car accidents every year. | ||
| We just think about how many people die. | ||
| If we were thinking, like, our real enemy is the automobile. | ||
| Automobiles are killing people with, you know, people driving them. | ||
| But the automobiles hitting into people, people hitting things in their automobiles, that's what's killing people. | ||
| If you really looked at it that way, the numbers are pretty high. | ||
| I think it's like 30,000 people or something crazy die in automobile accidents every year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If that was an enemy, you know, a robot enemy that came from space, was killing 30,000 people a day, we wouldn't be so fucking nonchalant about it, you know? | ||
| But because we're driving around, oh, the fly. | ||
| Is he doing teleportation, that what he was working on back then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, this was actually a remake of a really old movie from the black and white days. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| It was really awesome. | ||
| Find the old Fly. | ||
| I need to re-watch that. | ||
| But the Fly, the 19... | ||
| Was it 86? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 88? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 86 for that first one, but here's the other one. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So for the Jeff Goldblum one, it's fucking awesome. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Jeff Goldblum was such a bad motherfucker when he was young, man. | ||
| Especially in that movie. | ||
| Like, I really believed... | ||
| That's the original one. | ||
| Is that Vincent Price? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Look at that fucking picture! | ||
| Oh my god, Vincent Price. | ||
| He was the man when it came to old school monster movies. | ||
| But like, Jeff Goldblum in that Fly movie, you believe that he was really a mad scientist. | ||
| Like, I believe, like, this guy, the way he talks, he's just so different and interesting. | ||
| He had a way of talking about him, like, this guy could be some hyperhuman who could figure something like this out. | ||
| I totally bought it hook, line, and sinker. | ||
| Like, there's some people that play scientists, and I'm like, bitch, you ain't fucking smart. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Did you ever see the movie Sunset Boulevard? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Where's his dong? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Way different. | ||
| I bet he's got a giant dong. | ||
| Look at his confidence. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Large hands. | ||
| Bet it's a hog. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a huge dick, you can tell. | ||
| It's crazy to fly. | ||
| Let a fly in there. | ||
| Did you ever see Sunset Boulevard? | ||
| No, what was that? | ||
| That's a great movie. | ||
| I highly recommend. | ||
| I watch it. | ||
| That's my go-to. | ||
| I put it on every night before I go to bed. | ||
| That's not the mockumentary or a dramamentary or whatever they call it. | ||
| It's a movie. | ||
| Yeah, this is an old school classic movie. | ||
| Oh, old school. | ||
| Wasn't there a recent movie about Sunset? | ||
| Yeah, that was a documentary about Sunset Boulevard. | ||
| It was a documentary? | ||
| It was a documentary. | ||
| So there was no acting in it at all? | ||
| Okay, I got confused. | ||
| There's more than one that was out at the same time? | ||
| One was a film? | ||
| No, I think it's the same one. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| I keep hearing I have to check that out, though. | ||
| The documentary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| You really learn about the Sunset Boulevard. | ||
| You know, I was on Frazier's radio show the other day. | ||
| Frazier Smith? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Frazier Smith. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| There's not much left on Sunset. | ||
| Besides the rainbow and the comedy story, there's not much... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Everything's getting torn down and become condos now. | ||
| It's almost dead. | ||
| Dita Von Teese, rat. | ||
| I just went to the Whiskey at Go-Go for the first time on Friday. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I was surprisingly small. | ||
| It would have been awesome to see Motley Crue and Jimi Hendrix or anyone in the doors back in the day, but I saw a band for the first time when I was a teenager in high school, Orgy. | ||
| I saw they were on the billboard so I went and saw them and I probably should have just stayed home. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| That's where Lemmy's birthday party was right before he died. | ||
| Yeah, the Roxy and the place next to it, the rainbow, those are icons, man. | ||
| That rainbow is an icon. | ||
| The Rainbow feels like it was made by the same person as the Comedy Store. | ||
| You go in there and you go like, I feel like the same here. | ||
| It's a legit old school Hollywood place. | ||
| You ever eat at Dan Tana's? | ||
| Dan Tana's on Santa Monica. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's like you go into the past. | ||
| Like the menus, the way the waiters are dressed, the food's amazing. | ||
| It's really small, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Well, it's not really small, but it's not giant. | ||
| One side's more of a bar, but there's tables on that side, but the food is amazing. | ||
| The food is incredible, and it's like so old school, man. | ||
| The whole place is just, it feels it when you get in there. | ||
| You feel like you got class, like you want to order a martini just to be an asshole. | ||
| Like, come on, gentlemen. | ||
| It's right next to the Troubadour on Sunset. | ||
| That's the coolest place I've ever seen a concert in my life. | ||
| I've never been to Red Rocks, which I've heard is also cool. | ||
| That's a big place to see in Denver, but as far as a small venue where you can see a real awesome concert with maybe 200 people and real big names play there frequently. | ||
| Just for fun? | ||
| That's where they work out? | ||
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Yeah, it's a crazy spot, that Sunset Strip. | ||
| Yeah, but it's on the way out. | ||
| Well, it's becoming something different, for sure. | ||
| Like that giant billboard that's right in front of the store. | ||
| It's movies. | ||
| Whose idea is it to take a fucking road that already has plenty of accidents and put up A giant, fucking, multi-colored, super bright billboard that you almost need sunglasses to look at, and it's playing videos. | ||
| So you're watching videos as you're driving. | ||
| Well, what is this? | ||
| Well, what's he doing? | ||
| Well, that's wacky. | ||
| He just do a flip, crash! | ||
| Yeah, it should be so illegal. | ||
| People, you're not even allowed to text. | ||
| If you're not allowed to text, why are you allowed to read? | ||
| Why do you have a gigantic 100-foot fucking TV screen? | ||
| That's not a billboard, asshole. | ||
| If you want to have a billboard, have a billboard. | ||
| That's a movie theater. | ||
| You get a movie screen up there. | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| It should be so illegal. | ||
| Well, they let it be legal. | ||
| It's there. | ||
| So as we're driving, we're watching shit. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| Is it still images that keep changing? | ||
| No, it's moving images. | ||
| You'll see Chris D'Elia, like, Undateable! | ||
| This Thursday! | ||
| And they're moving around, throwing things and stuff. | ||
| It's completely just commercials. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure? | |
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I see it every day. | ||
| Even if it's still, when still images are moving or changing them every couple seconds or so, you're like, what are you doing? | ||
| Why are you distracting people? | ||
| I think they've made it illegal in a lot of cases. | ||
| It should totally be illegal. | ||
| I think that for some reason has like a get out of free jail card or something. | ||
| Get out of free jail? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Well, it's kind of like Times Square. | ||
| Times Square's got that path, too. | ||
| It's almost like part of the charm of the place that you go there. | ||
| You're just going to be, wow, look at all the lights. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| But the idea of Times Square is you're getting out of a cab or you're climbing off the subway and you're looking around. | ||
| You're not driving in that fucking thing. | ||
| How many people go visit New York and drive in Times Square? | ||
| I go, Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's a giant ball of neon. | ||
| It's chaos. | ||
| Like Vegas is the same way. | ||
| You ever see some of those casinos? | ||
| They have goddamn huge movie screens playing on the outside of their casino, showing you people singing, fucking rocking out, carrot topping, pow! | ||
| All this shit's going on as you're driving down the street. | ||
| And you're on coke. | ||
| And you're trying to drive slow. | ||
| Trying to keep it together. | ||
| What's this fucking movie? | ||
| Why are they showing me this? | ||
| Cirque du Soleil? | ||
| That's something that's pretty fucking specific. | ||
| Think about that show. | ||
| If you go to Cirque du Soleil, you need to see almost superhuman feats of physical fitness. | ||
| They had one of those Cirque du Soleil dudes. | ||
| This is like a perfect contrast to what we were doing. | ||
| We were eating over at, I guess it's like Wolfgang Pucks is right over by the Cirque du Soleil place. | ||
| We were eating and this dude was coming from the Cirque du Soleil like he had been working there. | ||
| And in the middle of the hallway while we were stuffing our face with food, this dude just starts doing backflips. | ||
| He did like one, two, three, four, five backflifts and landed and laughed and laughed with his friend and fucking buttoned up his shirt and got out of there. | ||
| But this dude just flipped through the air and then started going, feet to hands, feet to hands, feet to hands, jump! | ||
| And we were like, whoa. | ||
| We got a mouthful of linguine with clams. | ||
| Trying to put a fucking damper on this buzz before I go to sleep. | ||
| You know? | ||
| This dude is flipping, doing flips down the hallway. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| Parkour? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those guys, I saw a video the other day, this guy's just like on top of this building and just jumps down through this thing, like, jumps in through a window. | ||
| It's amazing what those guys do. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| I'm becoming a grumpy old man because this lady was like her son broke his arm doing parkour. | ||
| And I'm going, oh, is that what they're calling it these days? | ||
| Because when I was a kid, that was called being an asshole. | ||
| That's what I wanted to say. | ||
| I didn't say that. | ||
| I went, wow, is he okay? | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| I said, wow, is he okay? | ||
| But, like, why is it... | ||
| How come it has to have a French name? | ||
| How come it has to be international? | ||
| What you're doing is, you're a crazy fucker, you're running and doing flips off of railings and shit. | ||
| Alright, be careful. | ||
| This kid I know that, for his birthday, he does that. | ||
| That's what kids do nowadays. | ||
| They run out... | ||
| Rooms that just sort of look like... | ||
| Well, dude, I passed by this place, and right next to the place I was going, there was a parkour studio. | ||
| I was like, what is this? | ||
| They're teaching people how to do this? | ||
| And apparently they're all over the place now. | ||
| They're super popular, and they have ones that look like Super Mario Brothers. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, this one. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This one's in Los Angeles and it's just like grown adults fucking jumping around. | ||
| These are kids, man. | ||
| No, cats are kids. | ||
| This little boy. | ||
| This little child is doing flips. | ||
| Wow, these kids are freaks. | ||
| Wow, that's pretty impressive though. | ||
| Who's going to pay for their ACL surgeries? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Damn, that is really impressive shit, though. | ||
| That kid just doing that flip off the building. | ||
| You know, that is really impressive stuff. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| And they're just doing it to look cool. | ||
| I guess, right? | ||
| Are there competitions? | ||
| I mean a little bit. | ||
| Look at this! | ||
| American Ninja Warriors really picked up and that's kind of what these, that's the main competition I think these guys can go do. | ||
| What that guy just did was exactly what that dude did in front. | ||
| Back it up like a little bit. | ||
| Like to the dude that's doing, no, before that. | ||
| The dude that was doing the flips. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| That's what the guy was doing in the hotel. | ||
| Like, no bullshit. | ||
| Hand, feet to hand, feet to hand. | ||
| Have you ever even tried to do that, like on a diving board or water? | ||
| Yeah, I've done it on diving boards. | ||
| No consequences. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be careful. | ||
| I've hurt my back and neck before, too, so I'm very wary about things that might potentially be horrible for my fucking spine. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| These people are crazy! | ||
| It seems so strange. | ||
| To watch people move their bodies in ways you know you can't move yours. | ||
| Like, how? | ||
| What? | ||
| Mind off. | ||
| Like, if you saw yourself doing that, you'd be like, how can I do this? | ||
| What, do I have superhero powers now? | ||
| I find it more interesting watching people doing this kind of stuff in real life situations, like around the streets, because it's like they're ninjas. | ||
| They can break into buildings just by doing this parkour shit. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Like, double jump. | ||
| I know, it's weird. | ||
| Do a barrel roll. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| They can do things with their bodies that regular people just can't. | ||
| You just keep practicing. | ||
| But these are all like cement things they're jumping around on, are they? | ||
| What are these things made out of? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's probably drywall. | ||
| Drywall, yeah. | ||
| But wouldn't it just cave in? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're running around on drywall like that? | ||
| That shit has to be super flimsy. | ||
| It would have to be more than drywall. | ||
| That's wood. | ||
| It's probably like what they make skate ramps and stuff out of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| It just keeps going. | ||
| Is that a girl or a guy with a long-ass ponytail? | ||
| Is it a girl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She's doing flips and shit. | ||
| What if the future of UFC and shit is a room like this and both fighters just start on each side of their room and they're allowed to jump around and do ninja moves? | ||
| Dude, that's actually a great idea. | ||
| Like a quake room. | ||
| Yeah, like a quake room. | ||
| Entering into a quake room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Imagine if that would be the more sophisticated, high-level version of MMA, when we do it virtual reality style, that two guys start out in a building, and they don't know where the other person is in the building. | ||
| And so you have to be real sneaky and walk around, and you're allowed to hit the person if they don't see you. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's more realistic. | ||
| In a house? | ||
| Look back at boxing and you're like, look how dumb that is. | ||
| They can't jump on the ground and they can't do it. | ||
| Now, imagine doing this and be like, look how dumb that is. | ||
| We're in like an octagon? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| No, how about a building and this guy's trying to rape you and you're using shadows on walls and like... | ||
| I wonder if people would give up weight classes if they were willing to use weapons. | ||
| Like, okay, look, I'll take a 50-pound weight disadvantage, but I want brass knuckles. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm remembering this TV show. | ||
| I really cannot remember the name of it, but... | ||
| Double Dare? | ||
| It's almost like that. | ||
| No, it was like a real-life... | ||
| Roadrunner? | ||
| It was fake, but it was like real-life Mortal Kombat. | ||
| Killigan's Island? | ||
| And they shot around Universal Studios, and they'd go to different sets, and they'd be in a central area, and be like, this team versus this team, and the first fight's going to be here, and they'd go off to the lake, and they'd go fight at the lake, and then they'd come back... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah! | |
| What the hell was that? | ||
| I'm trying to look for it. | ||
| I have no idea what it was. | ||
| Oh, my... | ||
| I totally forgot about that. | ||
| It's almost like what you're saying, but, I mean, it was the wrestling WWE version of it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| See? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I'm a thief. | ||
| That's how easy it is to be a thief. | ||
| That shit... | ||
| We were talking about something that's completely out of the ether. | ||
| Yeah, but I like the idea of... | ||
| What if it was like the real world, there's a camera in every room, and one person started in the attic, one person started in the basement, and you're trying to beat up the other person. | ||
| But I think there's got to be an element of virtual reality. | ||
| To watch it, because we can't be there, right? | ||
| But to watch it and get the best angles, you should be able to watch the perspective of both people. | ||
| The perspective of the guy doing the beating up and the perspective of the guy getting beat up, the perspective of the guy that doesn't know the guys behind him, and the perspective of the guy who knows that the guy doesn't know and is sneaking up on him, ready to jack him. | ||
| That would be wild, man. | ||
| It would be wild. | ||
| To see something like that. | ||
| Like UFC mixed with like a horror movie. | ||
| Imagine if you could see the punches coming your way and see yourself getting knocked unconscious. | ||
| Like, boom! | ||
| Like, how's he seeing it? | ||
| Like, you see it. | ||
| You see the sparks that he sees in front of his eyes. | ||
| And your fucking consciousness dims in and out, just like he does. | ||
| It might be a way that they could almost experience getting fucked up and beat up to know how bad it is. | ||
| Would have a reboot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, do not panic. | ||
| If you're just listening to the audio version of this podcast only, you know what happened. | ||
| What happened is this goddamn TriCaster shit out again. | ||
| Is that like a normal thing with the TriCaster? | ||
| It's happened a couple times, but it hasn't happened for a long time. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's happened multiple times over our podcast. | ||
| Yeah, different versions of it. | ||
| This was a complete PC freeze. | ||
| Otherwise, other times it's been just an internet disconnection kind of thing. | ||
| Do we have to make an upgrade? | ||
| Is there anything we need to do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Should we upgrade our system? | ||
| That's like the best you can get. | ||
| You really can't get any better than a TriCaster. | ||
| Seriously, man. | ||
| If we can do it at the level that he's been doing it right now with something like that, you don't want it to be more complicated than that. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| That thing's perfect. | ||
| It just fucks up every now and then. | ||
| And then it gives us something to bitch about. | ||
| Fucking TriCaster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
TriCaster. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Those things, they're complicated as fuck. | ||
| They're gonna shit out on you every now and then, I think. | ||
| We're streaming things in HD. MKBHD, he stopped by here one time. | ||
| He makes those cool YouTube videos, sort of like Unbox Therapy. | ||
| I think he's friends with them. | ||
| He made a cool video recently talking about 4K and the state of it now. | ||
| Kind of like where we are. | ||
| You can watch 4K on a TV like that. | ||
| You can watch some of it on your phone, but really you can only get it from Netflix and YouTube. | ||
| It's going to take a long time before... | ||
| It would take what happened for us to get really good internet here. | ||
| You have to dig up the ground. | ||
| Put in some new cables to get the bandwidth to go. | ||
| Because it's a lot of information you're trying to send. | ||
| Yeah, but they could just also fix the math of it. | ||
| The compression could easily be fixed by like a JPEG version for 4K. You know, like something that compresses 4K down into something that, you know. | ||
| But would it have the same image quality? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I mean, like look at bitmaps and JPEGs. | |
| You can't tell the difference between those two. | ||
| With the naked eye, you can't, right? | ||
| But can you tell it if you're looking at it through a lens or anything like that? | ||
| People that are really... | ||
| T-Mobile just got in trouble recently because... | ||
| T-Mobile, what did you do? | ||
| Because unlimited data or whatever for like... | ||
| It's not unlimited? | ||
| No, what they do is they downgrade it to 480p. | ||
| So when you're on your phone watching 480p, you're not going to know the fucking difference between 720p and 480p on your phone. | ||
| I would know, bro. | ||
| I would know. | ||
| Horizon for life, bro. | ||
| For most people's phones. | ||
| Verizon for life, bro. | ||
| Fucking Sprint for the win. | ||
| Fuck Verizon. | ||
| Tang for the win. | ||
| AT&T. Yes. | ||
| Who was it that did it to you? | ||
| T-Mobile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, man. | |
| No! | ||
| T-Mobile was my friends. | ||
| Like, 480s bullshit, bro. | ||
| Who do you have right now? | ||
| This one's Verizon. | ||
| Verizon? | ||
| And then the same phones for the studio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like the new Galaxy phones. | ||
| I think this is the first series of Galaxy phones where they have features that are sort of built in that make you go, whoa. | ||
| Don't they all have wireless charging now? | ||
| Uh, yeah. | ||
| A gang of them do, right? | ||
| Yes, but you know what I've noticed with wireless charging is that it charges slow and sometimes you'll put your phone on the little dock thing and it doesn't sit right and then you don't have it charged and so then you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't know, it's still there. | ||
| Right now there's a company, I forget who it is, I think it's Apple that just filed a patent for wireless charging. | ||
| We're gonna die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're not gonna be able to breathe the air, it's gonna be filled with electrical currents. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| Well think about a dude, 250 billion gallons of methane are being pumped in the air. | ||
| Okay, and that's floating. | ||
| How many pounds of Wi-Fi are we eating right now while we're eating this podcast? | ||
| Maybe that's what's going on with America. | ||
| We're so overweight because we're eating Wi-Fi. | ||
| That's my new theory. | ||
| We're eating Wi-Fi and 4G LTE. The only thing it's doing is making more autistic people. | ||
| We were okay with 3G, up to 3G, and then we fell apart. | ||
| We're just eating too much. | ||
| It's weight. | ||
| And autism. | ||
| Well, you think it gives people autism? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Are you being serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's something to it. | ||
| Autism is just on the rise. | ||
| Autism is so hot right now. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of different causes that they think. | ||
| I think they think genetics, they think people when they get older and have children, much more likely that the children are going to have autism. | ||
| They become much more susceptible as the parents get older and older. | ||
| It's directly proportionate, they think. | ||
| But there's a lot of questions. | ||
| But what causes it, and whether or not it's more prevalent today, or whether the diagnosing of it is more prevalent, I believe that's debatable. | ||
| There's more people today, so obviously there's going to be more cases of it, but are they the same percentage of cases? | ||
| One of the things that they've always tried to correlate is marijuana with schizophrenia. | ||
| And the problems that were exposed, I think in the culture high they had this, where they were saying that the instances of schizophrenia have been uniform throughout history, when we've been monitoring it. | ||
| It's like 1% of the population. | ||
| 1% of the population is schizophrenic. | ||
| Just because that 1% may or may not have smoked marijuana, it doesn't raise it. | ||
| When marijuana becomes more popular, when it gets used more, it still stays at 1%. | ||
| It doesn't seem to vary from 1%. | ||
| It's just a 1% deviation. | ||
| It's like the quality control of God is not the best in the world. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think it's weed. | ||
| I think it's mushrooms and acid and psychedelics that actually speed up that kind of stuff. | ||
| I mean, I know so many people that have tripped and never came back. | ||
| If you have mental health issues, anything is not good for you. | ||
| Alcohol is certainly not good for you. | ||
| Mental health issues, you have a hard enough time just remaining stable when you're sober. | ||
| They're so good in bed. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| Yeah, unfortunately. | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| You know Tony? | ||
| Tony Zara from Columbus? | ||
| Remember Tony? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Rancid Turtle. | ||
| Rancid Turtle had always the best fucking explanation for that. | ||
| He made some play of words with psychotic and erotic. | ||
| We always talk about it. | ||
| But it's so true. | ||
| It's the common theme that everybody always says. | ||
| Like, the crazy girls are the best in bed. | ||
| True. | ||
| And probably girls think crazy guys are the best in bed, which is why dirty dancing was so appealing to young ladies in the 1980s. | ||
| Patrick Swayze, smooth, hairless chest, sleek body, moves like a dancer, flies across the room. | ||
| Is that I Had the Time of My Life? | ||
| Is that the one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I had the time of my life. | |
| Well, listen, bitch, you're only 18, okay? | ||
| There's plenty of years coming. | ||
| Don't get so crazy about nostalgia. | ||
| Oh my god, the good old days when I was 18. What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| How about you keep running it? | ||
| Don't get us kicked off YouTube. | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Have you ever had a clit that something pops out of it, almost like a cow tongue comes out? | ||
| Did you say a clitoris or a clit? | ||
| Yeah, but it pops out. | ||
| Just so randomly in the middle of talking about dirty dancing. | ||
| We were supposed to know what the fuck you just said. | ||
| Like a pussy boner, but when it actually comes out, sticks out and goes in. | ||
| It's called a dick, Brian. | ||
| You're fucking a guy. | ||
| Fucking a guy again? | ||
| Is it a bodybuilder? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| That does happen with bodybuilders. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, with female bodybuilders if they take steroids. | ||
| But it was like a pussy. | ||
| It was like a boner that was in the pussy that just came out. | ||
| I've never seen it before. | ||
| It freaked me out. | ||
| There's some crazy fucking videos. | ||
| Well, you're grabbing it like it's a fucking giraffe's neck. | ||
| Look at the hand gestures you're making are not polite. | ||
| It was a dainty little penis. | ||
| It was a tiny little thing. | ||
| Nothing to be offended by. | ||
| It was nothing that's going to scare children. | ||
| It's nothing that's going to hurt anybody's feelings. | ||
| Just a little tiny penis that's inside the woman's vagina. | ||
| I don't know why it's there. | ||
| Maybe you fucked her hermaphrodite. | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| No, I was eating it and it just started hitting me in the chin. | ||
| Okay, you're sucking a dick. | ||
| You're sucking a dick and you're on mescaline. | ||
| Okay, valiums. | ||
| You were talking about valiums. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Dude, somebody drugged you and made you bomb. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, there's a fucking nice dick inside my pussy, right? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, pussy's so hot. | ||
| You don't know why you're gagging. | ||
| I'm just eating pussy that feels like I'm sucking a dick. | ||
| Smelling that dude's butt. | ||
| You're like, that is not a girl's butt. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| You like that big dick inside that pussy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Meanwhile, you wake up all quaaluded out. | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| Who dosed me? | ||
| I just never saw it that violent before, like it actually come out. | ||
| You're getting just choked. | ||
| It looked like it. | ||
| Giant, fat, fucking... | ||
| Like a small boxer's arm. | ||
| Like a 135-pound champion arm. | ||
| You know, like a fucking one of them Mexican dudes that throws a nasty left hook to the body. | ||
| Like a Salvador Sanchez arm. | ||
| Ropey and fucking sinewy. | ||
| Slamming in the back of your throat. | ||
| Fucking quaaludes. | ||
| Okay, so an asteroid's coming. | ||
| And you have 10 minutes to run out in the street. | ||
| Do what? | ||
| Just fuck everyone that's else in the street taking off their clothes. | ||
| I don't think anybody's getting it up. | ||
| It's going to be the saddest thing in the world. | ||
| You get hit in the head by a rock and you're too nervous to get it up. | ||
| You're ready to bang your sister. | ||
| Finally! | ||
| We get to do this. | ||
| We've been staring at each other for 35 years. | ||
| Let's fucking do this. | ||
| She's like, fuck yeah. | ||
| I always wanted to fuck my brother. | ||
| You know, he spits on his dick and he's trying to get it hard and that fucking thing keeps getting closer and closer. | ||
| And she's like, come on! | ||
| Come on, we're gonna die! | ||
| You're such a fucking loser. | ||
| I always knew you were a loser. | ||
| Give me a chance to fuck me! | ||
| The asteroid is coming and you fucking blew it, Charlie Brown! | ||
| You blew it, Charlie Brown! | ||
| And you see the asteroid getting bigger and bigger, and the last memory this guy has as he transforms and changes and connects with hyperspace is him not being able to get it up while his sister screamed at him in the street staring at an asteroid. | ||
| It makes me wonder, though, because I feel like there's going to be a large amount of people, if that happens, that will run into the street and be like, that's it, let's just fuck each other. | ||
| All the people that no one wants to fuck. | ||
| They're like, finally! | ||
| Let's do this! | ||
| No, they're gonna run past you and they're gonna bang that hot milf that fucking mows her lawn in high-heeled shoes. | ||
| Every fucking street has that one crazy lady that just puts out the scent. | ||
| Puts that heat scent out in the air. | ||
| It is probably going to be mass rapes. | ||
| People just busting down doors. | ||
| That girl. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Miss Parker from Friday. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Miss Parker. | ||
| Miss Parker from Friday? | ||
| Oh, please go full screen with this. | ||
| Let me see her. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| The asteroid flies by. | ||
| The asteroid flies by, and there's all these people that fuck that shouldn't have fucked. | ||
| Then they have babies like Kanye and Catlin have a kid together, and it's called the asteroid generation. | ||
| I don't mean to objectify this young lady, but that is a very strong part of her anatomy. | ||
| Very strong. | ||
| I don't need to objectify her, but congratulations on hitting the genetic lottery. | ||
| Look at the height of that ass. | ||
| In that position, it should retain a little flatness. | ||
| That thing must look ridiculous when she stands straight up. | ||
| Let's see it now, Jamie. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Let's see her now. | ||
| No, no, don't do that. | ||
| Don't blow this whole thing. | ||
| Look at that butt shadow. | ||
| Don't be so mean about the universe in time. | ||
| Is there a photo of her butt just standing there? | ||
| Is that her right above? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark! | |
| Mark! | ||
| It's not her right above, is it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Does that hurt down there too? | ||
| Watering? | ||
| Right there? | ||
| Oh, good lord. | ||
| What is it about hips to waist ratio? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| What a good kid. | ||
| The genetic motherfucking lottery. | ||
| That's why it must fucking suck. | ||
| It must fucking suck if you wished you looked like that and you didn't. | ||
| Just looking at her. | ||
| Especially if you're a guy. | ||
| Say if you're a guy and you feel like you identify being a woman, but you really want to look like that. | ||
| But meanwhile you look like Ralphie Mae. | ||
| Or you look like Joey Diaz. | ||
| I think I'd be a sexy as fuck woman. | ||
| I've never dressed up as a woman. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| I think I'd be gorgeous. | ||
| I'm just clearing that up right now. | ||
| That's so not true. | ||
| Look at these hips. | ||
| You definitely have womanly hips. | ||
| You would look like you already shout out all your kids though. | ||
| Dude, we should dress up as a woman one episode. | ||
| She used to be a Barker Beauty, apparently, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| What a good kid. | ||
| We should see who could be prettier. | ||
| She was a Playboy? | ||
| What's that right there? | ||
| Why does it say Playboy? | ||
| She's got naked pictures. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| You know, that's another thing, I think. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with Playboy, folks. | ||
| Nothing wrong with naked bodies. | ||
| But there's nothing wrong with porn, either. | ||
| But we're not there yet, right? | ||
| Getting close. | ||
| People are getting closer, for sure. | ||
| It's way more acceptable nowadays. | ||
| Kids know what it is nowadays. | ||
| I didn't know that there was all this crap. | ||
| Anyone can just look at porn. | ||
| Do you think that VR stuff can save porn? | ||
| Save it? | ||
| Where's it going? | ||
| That's like, do you think that better cooking can save food? | ||
| They won't give it away for free, so you have to buy it. | ||
| They won't give it away for free. | ||
| Yeah, but see, dude, I think in a lot of ways, what's going to happen with some of the artists... | ||
| I use the most respectful term possible. | ||
| They can make personal appearances. | ||
| They can make a ton of money doing that. | ||
| Almost like musicians that don't sell too many CDs now. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Other than Apple, maybe Apple should get in the porn business and say, fuck it. | ||
| Stop being pussies about it. | ||
| Just get in. | ||
| You should have done it well. | ||
| Can you imagine if Apple just decides to go whole hog and has an adult app, okay? | ||
| And you open up their adult app, it comes on the operator, it's just called adult. | ||
| And you enter in all your information that shows that you're of a certain age. | ||
| And you know how you do the thumbprint thing? | ||
| You have to do the thumbprint thing to activate it so they know it's you and not someone using your phone that knows your code that isn't of age. | ||
| And then you watch as much fucking porn as you want. | ||
| They should do it. | ||
| They're stupid not to do it. | ||
| You could buy it. | ||
| Then the actors could get paid. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Notice I said actors. | ||
| Actors. | ||
| Models. | ||
| Luckies. | ||
| You ever see that Bill Hicks battle about models? | ||
| Like, here's Debbie modeling a 12-inch dick in her mouth. | ||
| I did it no justice. | ||
| I'm trying to remember it as I'm saying it. | ||
| You know Bill Hicks is Alex Jones, right? | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Your iPhone can be hacked with a photo of your thumb. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Of course it could be. | ||
| Your iPhone could be hacked while you're asleep. | ||
| Yeah, the government is already reading your tweets. | ||
| Your Twitter messages. | ||
| I tried that, though. | ||
| I was dating a girl and I did the whole thumb to see if it would work. | ||
| I did. | ||
| You did? | ||
| I'll watch you asleep. | ||
| Watch you asleep. | ||
| That's so rude. | ||
| So rude. | ||
| Not as rude as what Esther does. | ||
| Little Esther goes while her boyfriend's in the bathroom and turns on location shit so she can just track them all day long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Christ. | |
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| That's an option in your phone that a lot of people don't know is I can turn on my location tracking and send it to you so you can just track me for life if you wanted to. | ||
| That is so weird that people even want to do that. | ||
| They want to follow people. | ||
| What the fuck are you up to, Jamie? | ||
| How about people that would do that to their employees? | ||
| Make sure their employees stay within a certain range. | ||
| I don't want you going out on the road this weekend and getting all tired. | ||
| I want you to be fresh for work Monday. | ||
| But, Mr. Wilson, you can't tell me where to go on the road this weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, if you want a promotion, you'll be the guy that stays in and gets some rest. | |
| Is that possible? | ||
| I mean, if bosses can tell you that you have to have a piss test, okay? | ||
| If they can piss test you, what they're saying is they want to make sure you didn't smoke some pot on the weekend, right? | ||
| If you get there Monday... | ||
| I know guys who won't smoke pot because they worry they're going to get tested randomly at work and it would cost them their job. | ||
| You get fired. | ||
| So if you smoke a joint on Friday after work, you know, the fights are on, you get a pizza with your friends, you guys smoke a joint, you have a laugh, you watch pizza, and then you show up Monday morning. | ||
| Do you really think they're going to be affected by that joint? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| But they'll test positive. | ||
| They're going to test positive. | ||
| That's the same thing. | ||
| It's just like your boss is telling you mentally to stay put. | ||
| I mean, that's the same thing. | ||
| That's what they're doing. | ||
| I used to have to do that. | ||
| I remember when I would smoke weed, and I'd be like, God damn, I smoked weed. | ||
| Now I better not get tested in the next couple weeks. | ||
| I would be freaking out looking at the calendar like, shit. | ||
| And they can have a zero-tolerance policy. | ||
| They can write it into their contract because it's an illegal drug. | ||
| And they just fire you, man. | ||
| And you can have totally non-psychoactive levels in your system. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| Totally sober. | ||
| And also, there's no science that backs that there's long-term effects of, you know, you smoke a joint on Friday night and, you know, a Monday morning, some sort of a long-term... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's nothing. | ||
| And if there is, judge the person based on their performance at work. | ||
| Don't, you know, you can't, if someone's not doing their job at work, I mean, that's why they check each other out, and that's why they have assessments and stuff, and that's why you have meetings with your supervisors, and that's what that's for. | ||
| Okay, it has nothing to do with what, like, one person could be a fucking moron and never touch a drop of alcohol and never smoke and never do anything their whole life, and they could be a fucking moron. | ||
| You don't get brownie points. | ||
| You don't get extra points for not doing drugs. | ||
| You just don't. | ||
| It's like, what happens when the guy does? | ||
| Is he okay? | ||
| What if he has a couple of drinks on Friday, and he shows up Monday morning fresh as a daisy, he worked out the gym at 530, and he's fucking here ready to rock and roll. | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
| Like, it's stupid. | ||
| It's a stupid, like, distinction to put on someone, to think that somehow or another it's bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I read an article this weekend about Netflix. | ||
| They offer unlimited vacation time to their workers as long as they get their work done. | ||
| Theoretically, I guess you go get high and take two weeks off and come back. | ||
| Fuck yeah, Netflix. | ||
| Killing it again. | ||
| I'm addicted to Narcos, man. | ||
| I'm like seven episodes in now. | ||
| I did the seventh one last night. | ||
| Fuck, that show's good. | ||
| God damn, it's good. | ||
| It's a fucking well-made show. | ||
| It's like a movie every week. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's crazy that it's all based on a true story. | ||
| Pablo Escobar was insane! | ||
| Like, you gotta watch this series, folks. | ||
| You gotta watch this series, because it's all based on real events. | ||
| And you realize how unbelievably insane Escobar was. | ||
| And the amount of power and money that guy had. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's beyond imagination. | ||
| And they did such a great job of building up the production, of showing how they started making it and selling it and showing the impact of it. | ||
| Fuck, it's good. | ||
| Fuck, it's good. | ||
| Did you hear about the guy in Miami who recently bought a house, and when they were excavating some of the property, they found a safe, and it was Pablo Escobar's former house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| So he told the press, and the first safe got stolen, and they found a second safe, and they told the press again. | ||
| I don't think it's now being kept somewhere, so I don't think they've opened it or found out what's in it, but... | ||
| Guy's an asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keep your mouth shut, son. | ||
| Don't you have friends? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Get a friend and a shovel and a pickup truck. | ||
| It's time to get rich. | ||
| I wonder if that money's flagged, you know? | ||
| Probably if there's money in it. | ||
| If it's gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Open up the safe and it's just another safe. | |
| All people that Pablo Escobar hated. | ||
| Safe found within concrete of the late drug king. | ||
| Wow, that's amazing. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| They said the mansion was believed to just be used to stash cash, so... | ||
| Dude, you gotta watch this series. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| When you realize how much money that guy had, and how much power, and how much havoc he caused, and that it wasn't that long ago. | ||
| And now they say Columbia is, like, really safe and really nice. | ||
| Like, Columbia is a totally different place now. | ||
| Now that all that shit's done with, they're like, no, it's nice. | ||
| Like, they figured it out. | ||
| Like, Bourdain went there for a show. | ||
| And you see what it's like now, and it's like, it's really beautiful. | ||
| They actually worked their way through this issue. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Because people think of Colombia, and you think of the Medellin cartel, you think of the drug killings of, you know, it's like one of the most iconic things about it, right? | ||
| And then coffee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I also saw the drones being used to carry drugs over the border in Mexico this weekend. | ||
| And to prisons, even. | ||
| People are using drones to do things. | ||
| Madness. | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| Alright, I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It's 4.17 right now. | ||
| Wednesday, Brian Redband. | ||
| I believe there's a show going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're doing a Death Squad secret show with you and Ari Shafar. | ||
| How is it a secret if you're telling everybody right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because there's a secret guest that I'm not gonna tell you about! | |
| Oh, you're so tricky. | ||
| But John Heffron, Rory Scoville, Dean Del Rey. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And that starts at? | ||
| 8.30 Comedy Store Main Room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're full. | |
| And I'm doing Dom Herrera's show today at the Laugh Factory at 8. And then the Dean Del Rey show after that. | ||
| The 50th birthday show. | ||
| That's at the El Rey Theater. | ||
| And that's Brian Redband. | ||
| Chris, who else is with you? | ||
| Chris D'Elia, Bill Burr, Joe Bartnick. | ||
| Joe Bartnick. | ||
| Bill Burr, Chris D'Elia, and me. | ||
| We're going to have some fun. | ||
| And Dean Del Rey, of course, who's turning 50. Alright, you fucking animals. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Appreciate the hell out of you people. | ||
| The hell? | ||
| The hell? | ||
| The heck? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I want to say fuck, but I don't want to say fuck twice in a row like that because it sounds ignorant. | ||
| Good night. | ||
| Goodbye. | ||
| Much love. |
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