Jan. 27, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:16:43
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Boom! | ||
| Jamie's fast today. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| How are you, brother? | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Good to see you, man. | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| How you been? | ||
| I've been good. | ||
| Glad to be back. | ||
| Was the last time you were here was after all the Cosby craziness? | ||
| Or before? | ||
| No. | ||
| Last time I was here was in 2014. Right. | ||
| Early 2014. So it was before? | ||
| March 2014. Damn, you gotta remember. | ||
| When I was doing the press for Live from Chicago, my last special. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was that on? | ||
| That was on Comedy Central, but we're getting it on Netflix in advance of this special. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I'm doing Netflix now from now on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's just like so easy. | ||
| Easy for people to get. | ||
| They can watch it wherever. | ||
| They can, you know, they can find it months. | ||
| They can watch it the day of. | ||
| They can watch it months later. | ||
| It's wherever. | ||
| You can promote it whenever. | ||
| It's just, I'm really excited for this one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, Netflix is amazing. | ||
| I've become a Netflix junkie over the last couple of months. | ||
| All I do is that Narcos show. | ||
| Have you seen Narcos? | ||
| I saw the first couple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| It's pretty good. | ||
| Goddamn, that's a good show. | ||
| It's a really good show. | ||
| I'm seven episodes in and every episode I'm white knuckling. | ||
| Just grabbing the couch like... | ||
| I gotta get back. | ||
| But yeah, I watched the first couple and it was dope. | ||
| But they have so much fucking money now. | ||
| They can do whatever they want. | ||
| They can make TV shows that are like movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sort of like how HBO does, you know? | ||
| Yeah, they make some good stuff, man. | ||
| And they're easy to work with, too. | ||
| Who's the kid on your shirt? | ||
| You know, I did an interview yesterday. | ||
| With this woman, it was a thing for Vice, and so she gave me some shirts. | ||
| She brought me some shirts from this store. | ||
| She had got them for free or whatever, and so this is just... | ||
| Just a shirt? | ||
| This is my favorite shirt out of the three. | ||
| Just a cute little kid, and it's just fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it looked like it could maybe be me. | ||
| That's why I sort of like... | ||
| It kind of could be you. | ||
| Maybe a little bit. | ||
| The other shirts I did, it was one other shirt. | ||
| It was a woman... | ||
| Pulling down, like, it was a sketch of a woman pulling down her pants, standing over a dog. | ||
| That's a bit weird. | ||
| And there's another one that it's had, the text said, young Republican, and then it was a person in a Klan outfit. | ||
| And I was like, alright, I get what you're going for, but I'm still not rocking that. | ||
| So this was the winner out of the three. | ||
| That one, that's wearable. | ||
| That's a cute kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Young Republican. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Stop, everybody. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| So what has it been like, man? | ||
| You sunk the Cosby rape ship. | ||
| I mean, I didn't expect to still be talking about it now. | ||
| I saw you in January of last year at UFC. And yeah, so I didn't expect it to still be... | ||
| It's not about me, you know what I mean? | ||
| But people made it about... | ||
| It's just about... | ||
| I did a joke and people kind of... | ||
| But it's not really... | ||
| It's not about me at all. | ||
| But that makes the story... | ||
| Better for people, but it's not about me. | ||
| That's a good way of putting it. | ||
| It makes the story better. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, oh, he said it, but it's like, who gives a shit? | ||
| But it is strange, though, that just you saying it on stage, for whatever reason, it getting into a video, and then all of a sudden everybody was like, yeah, is that shit true? | ||
| Because everybody had heard about it. | ||
| It was one of those things that everybody had kind of heard. | ||
| Like you had heard rumors, but it was never anything like concrete, you know? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, that was like the match that lit the fire. | ||
| You know what really people forget about this part of it? | ||
| Because I remember being... | ||
| I was on tour in November 2014. I remember being on my tour bus and he had put out this thing, Cosby meme. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And then it actually had died down a little bit. | ||
| This was, let's say, November... | ||
| Tenth-ish, twelfth-ish, around that range. | ||
| And he put out Cosby Meme, Meme, and you could go on his site, different images, and then people started saying stuff about it. | ||
| And then that's what made it take off again. | ||
| People forget about that. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And it's actually, because I remember there being like Google Analytics About it, where it peaked for a little bit in mid-October, and then it dipped, and then the Cosby meme is what set it back off again. | ||
| The internet is so fascinating because nobody knows how to manage that kind of shit. | ||
| Like if you're like a PR person, there's nothing you can do. | ||
| First of all, whoever did the meme thing, I'm convinced that the dude who did... | ||
| I would imagine whoever did the meme thing was probably somebody who works on his website, right? | ||
| So somebody who works on his website is like a web culture person, someone who understands the internet, some tech dude or woman. | ||
| A tech person is gonna know what the fuck is gonna happen when they do that. | ||
| I almost think they did it on purpose. | ||
| That's my conspiracy theory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I think they thought he was a piece of shit, and they said, look, I got an idea. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| But it's definitely weird. | ||
| But I'm trying to, you know... | ||
| Move on. | ||
| Move on. | ||
| I mean, as I continue to say, it's not really about me. | ||
| I talk about the reaction to it in my... | ||
| Because it was... | ||
| Really, uh, crazy. | ||
| It was stressful, too, just to be in the, just casually, you know, going on social media or going on a site how I normally would, and then just seeing my name, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not looking for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, not Googling myself, but just going to a site, and it's like Hannibal Buress, like, oh, shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, and originally, initially at least, people were mad at you. | ||
| Yeah, some still are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| People just, they like, yeah, they think I'm part of a, it's a small amount of people, like vocal, but they're vocal online, so it seems like it's more. | ||
| Do you see that B.O.B. dude thinks that the earth is flat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a lot of fucking strange people out there, but that's one of the big conspiracies was that Bill Cosby was trying to buy NBC, and that they didn't want Bill Cosby to buy NBC, so they came out with all these... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fake charges. | ||
| Yeah, and then they gave me a role. | ||
| They gave me my own TV show as a reward. | ||
| Yeah, they gave you a TV show. | ||
| But you already had the TV show. | ||
| That's what's so stupid. | ||
| I had the deal in mid-2014. | ||
| Well, luckily, you're a very funny, talented guy. | ||
| So this isn't going to fuck you over. | ||
| I mean, and it was funny. | ||
| I could have, like, as far as leaning into it, Dude, like dozens and dozens of media requests that I didn't do. | ||
| Good. | ||
| I came to my place one day in fucking... | ||
| I've been on the road for a couple weeks. | ||
| I come back to my apartment. | ||
| It's an Inside Edition business card slipped under my door. | ||
| It got into my building as if I would come home and, oh, Inside Edition. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to go on there now. | ||
| They're very resourceful getting into my building. | ||
| Shh! | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| It was. | ||
| It was really creepy. | ||
| Like, people getting my cell phone out of nowhere. | ||
| Like, hey, you want to come in and talk about a joke? | ||
| I was like, eh, no. | ||
| But, yeah, it was all good. | ||
| B.O.B. thinks the world is flat. | ||
| And he was arguing with Neil deGrasse Tyson, so he wrote a diss song. | ||
| Did you hear the song? | ||
| No, I can't bring myself. | ||
| The song is, because B.O.B. is a pretty, it's funny because the song, even though it's full of fallacies and wrong shit, the song sounds good. | ||
| And then Neil deGrasse Tyson, his nephew or somebody who's also in the science, he put out a song, and his song sounds garbage, but it has the facts in it. | ||
| But it sounds... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Horrible. | |
| He has a horrible rap voice. | ||
| His voice is silent. | ||
| Why is this guy rapping? | ||
| This guy can teach me something. | ||
| He could do a YouTube video about why, you know, Mentos explode in a goddamn Coca-Cola, but I don't want to hear this guy rap. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| So it's weird. | ||
| That's unfortunate that the truth gets a shitty voice. | ||
| The internet is weird, man. | ||
| I wonder how much, if B.O.B. really believed that, of he just... | ||
| Because that's strategy. | ||
| People know how to manipulate people. | ||
| You can say something contrary and then people respond. | ||
| I mean, that's the nature of when people... | ||
| I got fans that'll... | ||
| You probably had to say, but fans will just be like, fuck you, you piece of shit! | ||
| And you're like, what's going on, man? | ||
| I'm a huge fan. | ||
| I just wanted to get your attention. | ||
| That does happen. | ||
| And so, I wonder if it's the same thing with... | ||
| Like, B.O.B., I know this will get people going. | ||
| Because out of nowhere, he doesn't tweet you. | ||
| I mean, I haven't checked his history, but I don't know if he has posed any other scientific theories outside of this. | ||
| But out of nowhere, he's like, you know what? | ||
| I'm about to post 10 tweets about the world potentially being flat. | ||
| It's like, I think he just wanted... | ||
| But there's a lot of people that believe it. | ||
| That's what's fucked up. | ||
| Tila tequila. | ||
| But... | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| When did you say Tila Tequila? | ||
| When was the last time you said Tila Tequila before she said the world is flat? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Tila Tequila popped off on Myspace. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We did Gathering of the Juggalos the same year. | ||
| You did The Gathering of the Juggalos? | ||
| I did The Gathering of the Juggalos in 2010. How was that? | ||
| It went well. | ||
| I did it for the stories and just for the experience and because they offered me more for one show than anybody was offering me at that time. | ||
| Teal Tequila did porn. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She did a good job. | ||
| She did a good job? | ||
| She did a good job. | ||
| She got potential in that market. | ||
| I went to the AVNs. | ||
| Oh, did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that like? | ||
| This year? | ||
| I just went... | ||
| Yeah, I went... | ||
| It's this weekend in Vegas. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| I went and walked the convention floor... | ||
| At first, I was a little bit trying to play. | ||
| I actually was self-conscious about being there. | ||
| Like, is this bad? | ||
| Is it, like, not a good look for me to be here? | ||
| So people were asking to take pictures. | ||
| Like, no, man. | ||
| You didn't see me here. | ||
| Oh, you told people no? | ||
| I tell people no, but then afterwards I loosened up and shit. | ||
| It was just, you know, talk to some porn stars and it's just an interesting vibe. | ||
| And walking around the convention floor, I felt comfortable being amongst other creeps. | ||
| Everybody's gawking at me. | ||
| It was fun though, man. | ||
| Sat in the front row at the awards. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Next to Dana D'Armond. | ||
| Oh yeah, I know Dana. | ||
| And Ron Jeremy was to the left of her. | ||
| Then some other porn lady was next to me in Lexington Steel. | ||
| And me, I think I was the only non-porn person in the first few rows. | ||
| Doug Benson was there somewhere. | ||
| I hope I'm not blowing his spot up or some shit. | ||
| No, I'm sure everybody knows he's a creeper. | ||
| I mean that in the best way. | ||
| It was an interesting vibe, man. | ||
| These chicks walking out, rocking around with their shit out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird, right? | |
| Because everybody loves sex. | ||
| I mean, sex is... | ||
| It's one of the favorite things that people do, but the idea of filming it is something fucking real taboo about it. | ||
| Real lockdown and taboo and even like the admission that you enjoy it is controversial. | ||
| Right, even though it's a Multi-billion dollar business with his own award show. | ||
| So it's definitely doing well. | ||
| Well, it's still a multi-billion dollar business and it's all free now. | ||
| That's what's fucked up about it. | ||
| Because it used to be a multi-billion dollar business and it made sense because they were selling DVDs. | ||
| But now the multi-billion dollar business is mostly pay-per-view in hotel rooms. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's where they make a lot of money. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One time I was playing Zany's in St. Charles. | ||
| Which is about... | ||
| It's a good gig. | ||
| It's outside of Chicago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By about 45 minutes an hour or so. | ||
| And so, you know, if I had a car, I would have just went to the gig and went home every night. | ||
| But I didn't have a car, so I got a ride out there. | ||
| And I stayed there for the weekend. | ||
| I remember... | ||
| I didn't have a laptop. | ||
| I didn't own a laptop at the time. | ||
| This was like 2007 or some shit. | ||
| And so, um... | ||
| I was like, I'm going to order some hotel porn. | ||
| But the stuff I kept ordering, I ordered... | ||
| It was soft porn, so it was showing no penetration or no anything. | ||
| It was just like the grinding. | ||
| And I was like, this fucking sucks. | ||
| I ordered another one, and it was still soft porn. | ||
| And I ordered a third one. | ||
| Soft porn. | ||
| So I spent $10 a pop on soft porn, and I kind of wanted to... | ||
| Go to or call the front desk like these movies aren't what I thought they were, but I just I just ate the charges That's how it used to be in hotel rooms. | ||
| They'd show no penetration and they'd show no cum shots Yeah, yeah, they would show like scenes of people on top of it didn't Bill Hicks used to have a bit about it Yeah, Billy Bill Hicks used to have a bit about hotel porn Because they used to do, apparently the way they used to film scenes is they would film a hardcore scene and a softcore version. | ||
| So they would have softcore scenes where they shot angles where they knew you couldn't see anything. | ||
| And they did it specifically just for hotel rooms. | ||
| All those hotel chains, like the Marriott's and all those, those are the biggest porn sellers in the world. | ||
| You don't think about it, but they're all in the porn business. | ||
| They make a fuckload of money off of porn. | ||
| Because, I mean, they're charging now. | ||
| How much is it now? | ||
| Like 20 bucks or something? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I haven't looked in a long time. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I go on the internet. | ||
| I haven't looked at that stuff. | ||
| I think it's like 20 bucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or somewhere close. | ||
| I mean, I guess that's the move if you want to watch porn on TV. Yeah, if you want to watch a big screen. | ||
| But sometimes you can't even rewind on those. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or pause. | ||
| Yeah, it's very restrictive. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Because I got to think about this at the awards. | ||
| Because they had awards for everything. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Best director. | ||
| What makes a good porn director? | ||
| I feel like I could direct. | ||
| I think I could jump into porn directing kind of easy. | ||
| If you just give me 12 hours to watch a bunch of different porn, give me the screeners for the best director nominees, I feel like I could mimic what they do. | ||
| Within my third directing. | ||
| Well, you gotta think that there's not a whole lot to it because it's just sex. | ||
| It's not like you're directing some car chase on a bridge and there's a fucking monster coming after the people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, this is real simple. | ||
| It's just fucking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you talk to the porn people, they take that shit super seriously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I wrote a piece on my blog a long time ago about a porn party. | ||
| Because I had a buddy that I used to do jujitsu with who was a director for a porn company. | ||
| And he held a party for the release of this film that he made. | ||
| It was like an art film. | ||
| And what he wanted to do was make a real movie with a real plot and real dialogue, but have people fucking it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we didn't know what it was. | ||
| It was just a bunch of guys from jujitsu who invited us to the party. | ||
| We all went. | ||
| We're like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| So they have this projection screen and they start playing the scenes. | ||
| So they play this movie. | ||
| And he gets out there and he's talking about it like they said this couldn't be done. | ||
| They said that what I was doing was just the industry wouldn't accept it. | ||
| But I did it. | ||
| I'm here. | ||
| And I showed them. | ||
| Yeah, the porn people. | ||
| This is back when porn made money. | ||
| We're talking like early 2000s, like 2001 or something like that. | ||
| So then Like we're watching the scene right the scenes ridiculous This this is ass-to-mouth scene this dude's banging this chick in the ass then fucking her mouth and she's making these gagging otter noises like Then someone says she's here and his car pulls up and the girl gets out the girl who's in the scene and she gets out with a dude and And the dude gets out, | ||
| looks at the screen, looks at her, raises his hand like this, and she's like, and he's like, you know, he's making these, like, we can't see what he's saying, but he's like, why didn't you tell me? | ||
| And she's like, I was gonna, I was gonna tell you. | ||
| And so we're like, do you think that he didn't know that she was a porn star? | ||
| Like, do you think that he didn't know? | ||
| Maybe he didn't know, so we had to figure it out, right? | ||
| So I go, hey man. | ||
| I go, come here for a second. | ||
| So the dude comes over and I go, did you not know that she was going to be in film? | ||
| He goes, dude, I thought she was a hairdresser. | ||
| I go, come on. | ||
| He goes, yeah, she told me she does hairdressing and makeup. | ||
| I go, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| And that's how he broke into her? | ||
| And she took him to this party. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She took him there. | ||
| She met him at like some bar. | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| How long before the party? | ||
| I think like the day before. | ||
| Ah, okay. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, she don't owe him shit. | ||
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| She tried to show him what she's capable of, what he can have. | ||
| I wish I knew specifically how long they knew each other. | ||
| I don't think it was very long. | ||
| If it's a week, she's trying to show him what's up. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| And just try to surprise him. | ||
| It was more like, hey, look what the fuck I'm up to. | ||
| You want some of that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| I guess. | ||
| But he came at the right time. | ||
| Because it was just ass, mouth, ass, mouth. | ||
| The way I describe it was like, the dude's ball slapping against her ass was like two chalk erasers. | ||
| Like chalk boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, slap, slap, slap, slap. | |
| And then he would go from that to her mouth. | ||
| And that's right where homeboy walked in, got out of the car, and was like, what in the fuck? | ||
| I got pictures of them together. | ||
| I got pictures of him and us. | ||
| It's all online. | ||
| You can find it on... | ||
| Her name was Gia Paloma. | ||
| She was like a famous porn star back in the day. | ||
| I think she's since retired. | ||
| So short life, those young gals. | ||
| It's not like something you could do like Meryl Streep deep into your 50s. | ||
| Well, it's Nina Hartley. | ||
| Does she still do it? | ||
| I saw her at the convention. | ||
| She had a long line of people waiting for her. | ||
| Well, she's a rare one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's a rare one. | ||
| Especially for girls, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's odd, though, man. | ||
| She did Kevin Pereira's podcast, and I was there for a little bit, because I just happened to be... | ||
| It was at the Ice House, and he had me sit in with her for a little bit. | ||
| But she was talking about how whenever she fucks, she doesn't just make people wear condoms, she makes people wear gloves. | ||
| What do you put... | ||
| Oh, you found the pictures? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She doesn't... | ||
| See, this is all true. | ||
| Oh, that's them? | ||
| That's the girl. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| And what's the caption? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| And the dude and the slut lol. | ||
| Not even that hot. | ||
| That's not my caption. | ||
| Oh, it's not your caption. | ||
| No, that's from... | ||
| Oh, Cliff Notes. | ||
| Oh, you talked about it on one before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Well, there's a blog. | ||
| The blog should still be up on my website, is it? | ||
| I found it on a bodybuilding message board. | ||
| Someone copied and pasted the whole blog. | ||
| Did you follow up with them at all? | ||
| Any update? | ||
| No, but I did run into the dude one day at Chipotle, like way back in the day. | ||
| Well, not Chipotle. | ||
| One of them Mexican joints. | ||
| But it was... | ||
| But that is 100% true. | ||
| A little fresh-faced young fella. | ||
| He looked like just an innocent young kid from the valley. | ||
| Had no fucking idea. | ||
| He was a nice guy. | ||
| He had a great sense of humor, I'll tell you that, man. | ||
| Because he was definitely dumbfounded by the experience, but laughing a lot. | ||
| He was laughing. | ||
| He wasn't upset. | ||
| Like, damn, I was going to marry her. | ||
| Was he laughing laughing or was it nervous? | ||
| Well, it was both. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was both. | |
| That's not a good picture of her. | ||
| She's an attractive girl. | ||
| He probably thought, hey, this girl's cool, man. | ||
| We're going to get our free guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meanwhile... | |
| I think he probably still went for it. | ||
| I couldn't... | ||
| Could be. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| I had a weird conversation with a dude who was there, too. | ||
| He was a male porn star and was talking very serious about how he has to keep his edge. | ||
| And I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| He's like, you gotta keep your edge. | ||
| You can't relax when you're on the set. | ||
| You gotta keep your edge. | ||
| And I go, well, what do you mean by that? | ||
| He's like, you gotta always be ready to fuck. | ||
| You gotta always be ready, like, wanna go, like, right now. | ||
| I'm like, really? | ||
| Like, that's how you, like, on the set, sort of like... | ||
| This probably sucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, go ahead. | |
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| There's some mental stuff to that, man. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is pre-Viagra. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, we're talking about 2000, 2001. I don't think they had Viagra back then. | ||
| I don't think they did. | ||
| I don't know what type of stuff they say to themselves in their head while they're doing it. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Find out when they invented Viagra, Jamie. | ||
| Viagra was, I feel like, 90s? | ||
| Mid-90s? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like Vag was 98-ish. | ||
| Look at you, you fucking nailed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
March 27th, 98. Jesus Christ, Hannibal! | |
| How good are you? | ||
| How did you nail it like that? | ||
| I just remember it being, I just remember the stories in high school and shit around then. | ||
| I just remember it being, and you know how everybody was making those late night jokes about it. | ||
| Oh, that's true, right? | ||
| That same joke. | ||
| Yeah, over and over and over. | ||
| If I get erection for five hours, call the doctor. | ||
| If I get erection for five hours, call another girl and call another. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of those jokes that nobody could say they got ripped off. - That is a joke that fucking everybody did. | ||
| What is your take on all this Amy Schumer shit? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've been looking at it. | ||
| I've been looking at it. | ||
| I don't think she would take jokes. | ||
| I don't think she would take... | ||
| And a lot of the jokes that... | ||
| Have you seen the most recent ones? | ||
| What's the most recent one? | ||
| There's a gang of them. | ||
| They put together some compilations. | ||
| There's a few of them that are definitely suspicious. | ||
| But the problem is, when you're looking like this, when you're scouring all the hours of stand-up that I'm sure she's done places, you can find similar premises and shit like that. | ||
| I think the real issue is whoever wrote for the sketch show. | ||
| Whoever wrote those sketches, at the very least there's an originality problem, at the very least. | ||
| But the Kathleen Madigan one is a real egregious one because you could totally come up with the same idea that Kathleen Madigan had about someone slapping food out of your mouth. | ||
| As a matter of fact, someone said, I think Ari Shaffir said that that used to be on the Flintstones. | ||
| There was an episode of the Flintstones where Fred was trying to lose weight and so he had like a robot that would slap food out of his mouth or something along those lines. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| But the fact that it was the same two bits back to back, like Kathleen had that, and Kathleen had, you know, I would hire somebody. | ||
| Kathleen Madigan's bit was about Oprah, about how Oprah's so rich, like how could she be so fat? | ||
| If I was that rich, I'd have people slap food out of my mouth. | ||
| I would hire someone to exercise me while I slept, like a baby, with cerebral palsy. | ||
| So they go from the slap thing right To the exercise you while you're asleep. | ||
| But back to back. | ||
| It's too close. | ||
| Then there was this one from College Humor that was a sketch about the audition for Two Girls, One Cup. | ||
| And it's the exact same setup. | ||
| I mean, Fred. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| He hired someone to knock food out of his mouth. | ||
| That's not the most original idea. | ||
| People have thought that before. | ||
| The real problem is they're back-to-back. | ||
| The same thing, back-to-back. | ||
| Then there's the College Humor one, which is the fucking exact same setup. | ||
| They're in the office. | ||
| They're going through the audition process for Two Girls, One Cup. | ||
| I mean, it's the same fucking thing. | ||
| And there's a couple other ones. | ||
| So, there's an originality problem with somebody, you know? | ||
| I didn't know that college humor bit. | ||
| So, like, say if I was doing a sketch show and someone came to me while we were doing a sketch show and said, hey, how about we do a sketch about the audition process for Two Girls, One Cup? | ||
| I'd be like, that's fucking great. | ||
| Yeah, what do we do? | ||
| How do we do it? | ||
| So, she might not have had any knowledge at all that those other bits existed. | ||
| Like, there's so much content out there today. | ||
| To be aware of every premise and every bit is almost impossible. | ||
| It's tough, man. | ||
| When I was doing my show, I would get pitched stuff and everything. | ||
| I don't know all comedy, obviously, but sometimes I would try to remember stuff, but you can't remember everything. | ||
| Well, back in the day. | ||
| I think... | ||
| We kicked people from In Living Color out of the comedy store. | ||
| I should say we had nothing to do with it, but when I was there, the comics were complaining so much that they got them kicked out. | ||
| Actually, I had nothing to do with it, but I remember being like, oh, this is cool. | ||
| They kicked the writers out because they had these writers that would come And they would hang out in the back of the Comedy Store, and then those sketches would appear on television. | ||
| They would take people's premises and turn them into sketches. | ||
| It was a real problem. | ||
| This is in the 90s, like the early 90s. | ||
| And so it has happened. | ||
| And my friend Kevin, a showcase for all these writers, and he did this bit about muffins. | ||
| He used to have this closing bit that he used to do about muffins, that if someone wants a piece of your muffin, you don't give them the muffin top. | ||
| You can have all the muffins. | ||
| He had a bit that he did. | ||
| He had a showcase for NBC. He had a development deal with NBC. Stump you want, but you can't be fucking with them. | ||
| You know, it was a funny bit. | ||
| And with Kevin, like, he's a funny guy. | ||
| You know, and Kevin is, I mean, first of all, his bit was way before the Seinfeld episode. | ||
| But, I mean, he's not a thief at all. | ||
| So then that bit came out, like, in the exact form on an episode of Seinfeld. | ||
| And this is NBC writers who went to see him live. | ||
| That shit happens all the time. | ||
| Those guys have to produce, and some of them aren't that good. | ||
| I've had some development deals with writers, or some development deals, and then you meet with writers, and you read some of the stuff they write, and these guys had... | ||
| This was in the 90s, right? | ||
| So this is like the sitcom boom, Friends and shit. | ||
| This is when I was on news radio. | ||
| These guys had big deals where they were getting a lot of money and they were fucking garbage. | ||
| Terrible writers. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| And they get desperado, man. | ||
| And they need premises and they'll go to comedy clubs and they'll fucking steal. | ||
| And it was a huge problem. | ||
| It's been a huge problem for a long time. | ||
| So you take away those sketches, and you go, well, you know, I don't necessarily think you can make her responsible for those sketches, because there's no way. | ||
| Like, if you were going to do your show, and you had a premise that somebody pitched you, what are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to go online and say, hey, has anybody heard this premise before? | ||
| You're not going to do that. | ||
| You have to ask around your friends, and your friends might not know. | ||
| You could ask me, and I've been doing stand-up for 26 fucking years. | ||
| I might not know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, you might ask 10 people, and those 10 people don't know, but then that bit gets on television. | ||
| Someone goes, Jesus Christ, I saw that on Mad TV. That was another one. | ||
| There was a Mad TV one. | ||
| There was a Mad TV one. | ||
| It was the exact same premise. | ||
| It was about a woman. | ||
| It was about Amy talking to a woman at a counter of a store, and someone had helped her. | ||
| You know, the person who helps her gets commission, and she couldn't say it was a black guy. | ||
| So she was trying a way to say it without saying it's a black guy. | ||
| She's like, um, he had dark eyes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and like, it's but the same exact premise as Mad TV. Right. | ||
| Did she know about the Mad TV? Who the fuck watched Mad TV? I never watched it. | ||
| Did you ever watch it? | ||
| I watched some of it, but not... | ||
| Maybe twice, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they were on for a hundred years. | ||
| Mad TV was on forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, how could you know all the sketches? | |
| I didn't realize how racist it was when I was watching it, but the Nail Lady sketch... | ||
| That's a good sketch. | ||
| That made that girl. | ||
| No, not the Bonquiqui. | ||
| Oh no? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's another one? | |
| I'm talking about the one, the lady that ran the nail shop. | ||
| Angela Johnson. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I think this is even before Angela Johnson was on the show. | ||
| This was like early in MADtv. | ||
| It was one of their signature sketches, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I forget what her catchphrase was. | ||
| Man, I'm getting old, man. | ||
| I don't remember shit anymore. | ||
| Do you smoke weed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Occasionally. | ||
| That's probably the problem. | ||
| Occasionally. | ||
| But no, no, Nat, I definitely don't smoke as much as you. | ||
| Get you some alpha brain, sir. | ||
| Some alpha brain? | ||
| I'll get you some. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna hook you up. | |
| We're out of here. | ||
| I'll give you a... | ||
| I got lick. | ||
| I got instant. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I keep this shit handy. | ||
| This is... | ||
| Without this, I'm retarded. | ||
| I smoke, but it has to be the last thing that I do. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I can't be out and about. | ||
| I can't smoke and do an interview. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's my favorite way to do interviews. | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| I did this thing. | ||
| Snoop Dogg has this turfed up football show. | ||
| Oh, a Super Bowl show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did it Monday. | ||
| And this dude... | ||
| He shot one episode. | ||
| As I got there, I'm supposed to be on the second episode. | ||
| His producer, they're trying to wrangle him so we can start shooting my segment. | ||
| He just leaves for 45 minutes. | ||
| So I go on the trailer. | ||
| He has a legitimate half-pound bag of weed. | ||
| And so he's smoking it. | ||
| I'm like, I can't smoke with y'all, man. | ||
| It'll be a totally different interview. | ||
| Let me get out of there before I catch a contact. | ||
| But then he just, you know, did a whole show and a panel show. | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, but you expect that, though. | ||
| Obviously you expect it, but it's still amazing when you see it. | ||
| I mean, obviously I know, but he's just like, yeah, he's just, you know, talking shit, cracking jokes, funny. | ||
| Like, he's like, he is Snoop. | ||
| Like, when you're around him, like, yeah, that dude's a motherfucking star. | ||
| Like, he operates like a star. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Snoop's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And he works his ass off. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| So many shows and shit. | ||
| Yeah, he's always got something going on, man. | ||
| Touring still, DJ gigs, three different web series and shit. | ||
| So what is he doing? | ||
| Things on YouTube or something like that? | ||
| I think this is going to be on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So anyway, back to the Amy Schumer thing. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It's not good, but it's also this... | ||
| There's like... | ||
| This momentum that's a part of it now. | ||
| It's like a feeding frenzy. | ||
| Ari Shafir had something like that. | ||
| Remember when those people were mad at him because he did a bit in one of his specials about a girl with one arm and everybody was mad at him? | ||
| He shouldn't have said her name. | ||
| Also, Comedy Central should not let him say her name. | ||
| Why the fuck did they do that? | ||
| I don't know how that slipped through the cracks because on one of my specials, I... Did a joke about my ex-girlfriend. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, I talked about having to introduce my ex-girlfriend at an open mic after, because she was a poet. | ||
| I hadn't seen her. | ||
| She just kind of ghosted me and didn't stop calling me. | ||
| So the joke was, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the cold-hearted bitch who broke my heart. | ||
| You may know her from that. | ||
| Returning my phone calls, also giving out mediocre blowjobs. | ||
| Please welcome to the stage. | ||
| Blank, blank. | ||
| But it was a couple times I would say her name on stage and they were like, you have to change the name. | ||
| And I was like, I changed it to something that's close to the name, but they were adamant about I had to change it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what happened. | ||
| I think they didn't. | ||
| See, the problem is he didn't make that special for them. | ||
| He made that special on his own and sold it to Comedy Central. | ||
| So I think Comedy Central just bought it and they didn't have to do any work. | ||
| So they just bought it and then aired it. | ||
| And then someone just didn't do their job. | ||
| He did. | ||
| I mean, that was a rough joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fucked up. | |
| Like, she stinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was that fat person smell. | ||
| It was just when you put a name to a mostly unknown person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, God damn her. | |
| And her name is... | ||
| I was like, shit, he's naming names. | ||
| They named their full name. | ||
| Yeah, it was rough. | ||
| While you live, you learn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We all make mistakes. | |
| But what he was saying was that there was a fire and you just gotta stay away. | ||
| Just let it burn out. | ||
| Let that fire burn out. | ||
| And I think there's a fire right now after her. | ||
| And a lot of it is... | ||
| Look, you gotta be honest about what's happening in her life. | ||
| She's a movie star now, all of a sudden. | ||
| She's had... | ||
| One of the biggest years that a comedian has ever had. | ||
| So she went from a year and a half ago to someone who would do well. | ||
| She'd probably sell out a weekend in Phoenix or some shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| She did well, right? | ||
| She was a year and a half ago from theaters, I think. | ||
| She was doing theaters? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So let's say she's doing like a... | ||
| 1500-seater or something like that. | ||
| Now she's doing 20,000 seats. | ||
| She's doing arenas, man. | ||
| She's doing arena tours. | ||
| So there's got to be some of it is the tall poppy syndrome, right? | ||
| People want to knock her down because she's taken off so high. | ||
| Objectively. | ||
| Stay away from that. | ||
| Look at the whole thing objectively. | ||
| There's an originality problem. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| There's definitely an originality problem. | ||
| The problem is whose problem is that? | ||
| Here's something that someone said. | ||
| Someone said, she's put out 15 hours of sketches in one year. | ||
| Of course there's going to be some originality problems. | ||
| What about that show, Key and Peely? | ||
| Is that how you say it? | ||
| Peel? | ||
| Key and Peel? | ||
| Are you trying to sound like an old man on purpose? | ||
| I don't know the name. | ||
| I watch it. | ||
| I watch it. | ||
| I don't even know how to say it. | ||
| Key and Peely? | ||
| What's that kid's name? | ||
| Key and Peely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's his name? | |
| Peely. | ||
| The soccer player is doing sketch comedy now. | ||
| Peel, right? | ||
| Peel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Key and Peely. | ||
| Those guys are fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And really original. | ||
| Really original. | ||
| They do some crazy shit. | ||
| You ever seen that bit they do about slap ass, about the guy who slaps asses in the locker room and he's got an addiction to slapping ass? | ||
| I haven't seen that one. | ||
| It's fucking funny, man. | ||
| And it's some shit that I've never seen before. | ||
| Whenever I see one of their sketches, it's always so out there and weird and funny. | ||
| They take them into a very dark direction a lot of times, too, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but original as fuck. | ||
| It's all original. | ||
| So, like, that show's been on for years. | ||
| And no one's coming at them for not... | ||
| So, it can't... | ||
| It's not just the tall poppy syndrome. | ||
| There's definitely an issue. | ||
| And it sucks, man. | ||
| It sucks to watch all the blood in the water, you know? | ||
| It sucks to see, like, her big moment, all this great shit happened to her, and all of a sudden now it's all this chaos. | ||
| I mean, I think it's just more... | ||
| It's one of those things where it seems like it's crazy, but it's not as crazy. | ||
| Because we're just the same way... | ||
| We're deep in it? | ||
| We're deep in it, and it's our world. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Like, my mom isn't like, hey, did you... | ||
| That's when it's big and it's deep. | ||
| Yeah, but your mom hasn't found out yet. | ||
| Shit's only been around for a week. | ||
| I mean, this has only been going on for a week. | ||
| This is a pretty fresh thing. | ||
| I mean, think about Mencia. | ||
| Like, when Mencia, like, that Cosby video came out, that fucking dude was still doing giant theaters. | ||
| He was doing like 10,000 seat places. | ||
| Within a year, all that shit was over. | ||
| Like, people don't like when they find out a comedian's a plagiarist. | ||
| They don't like it. | ||
| They get angry. | ||
| And I think someone wrote an article about this recently. | ||
| You tweeted it. | ||
| And who was the guy that wrote the article? | ||
| Okay, but the guy had a real good point, and he said if someone does something in a movie, and it turns out that that scene had been in another movie, like, oh, you stole that from Blazing Saddles or some shit, that doesn't offend people, because they know that you're just reading some lines from a movie. | ||
| But if someone goes to see Hannibal, they know that your shit is your thoughts. | ||
| Like, they want to see, what does Hannibal think about this? | ||
| When I go see Hannibal Buress, what are his thoughts on blank? | ||
| How does he feel about this? | ||
| I expect that you're an interesting, intelligent guy and you're going to have your own point of view. | ||
| Bill Burr is a perfect example. | ||
| You can count on Bill Burr kind of humor from Bill Burr. | ||
| That bit he did about Arnold Schwarzenegger, a great man! | ||
| Like, you ever see that bit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it? | |
| The bit about this fucking gold-digging. | ||
| We got an epidemic of gold-digging whores! | ||
| They took down a great man! | ||
| He's a great man! | ||
| It's such a Bill Burr bit. | ||
| I fucking love that bit. | ||
| But my point is, you're not gonna get anybody to write that for you. | ||
| He's not gonna steal that from somebody. | ||
| It's so obvious when you see the bit that it's his sense of humor. | ||
| And when you're not doing that, when you're doing just a bunch of like patchwork bullshit that some other people wrote for you or some clunky premises that you may or may not have lifted from somebody else and reworded, it offends people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're a faker, right? | ||
| So that's what happened with Mencia. | ||
| People were offended. | ||
| They found out it's fake. | ||
| You're not doing what you're saying you're doing. | ||
| You're saying, here's the world through my eyes. | ||
| But it's not really the world through your eyes. | ||
| You're just trying to push buttons and fucking bang on things. | ||
| You're trying to make things happen. | ||
| You're trying to use bits that work. | ||
| You're not necessarily showing people the way you think about stuff. | ||
| And I think that's what's unique about stand-up as opposed to anything else. | ||
| Like, if you found out that... | ||
| Jay-Z had writers. | ||
| Would it offend you? | ||
| It wouldn't offend me. | ||
| It wouldn't bother me at all if I found out that, you know, the Rolling Stones hired some guy to write their new album. | ||
| I'm not offended. | ||
| But if I find out that Louis C.K.'s new special Was written entirely by a team of writers and you know and he you know just sort of like Rehashed all the shit that they wrote down then I don't feel the same way when I like when I watch Louie I know that I'm gonna see Louie CK's thoughts on stuff every time you see him You know that that's Louie thinking about shit and it's so obvious when you hear it on stage It's like it's coming from his voice. | ||
| So that's the difference I think yeah with stand-up Definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
| What's the guy's name here? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Malcolips the Younger. | ||
| Okay, that's not even a real person. | ||
| How dare you, person, whoever you are. | ||
| Why joke thieves are bad by someone who doesn't believe in intellectual property. | ||
| Yeah, well, I believe in intellectual property and I definitely joke thieves. | ||
| Have you ever been swiped? | ||
| Has anybody swiped from you? | ||
| I've heard about it. | ||
| I hear about somebody trying something at open mic or there's been Lines where I'm like, maybe they took that idea of certain things or commercials and shit like that. | ||
| But I haven't really... | ||
| I take kind of... | ||
| Patrice O'Neal had a philosophy about that. | ||
| If somebody take a joke from me, then that means they needed it way more than I do. | ||
| And I'm just going to write more jokes because you can take one, I'll write 20 more. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So I've seen, I've heard about comics trying my shit or doing different things, but I don't really... | ||
| Engage it because it's like if you if you try my shit, I'm probably gone. | ||
| It's you know, good luck with it, man. | ||
| The problem with that theory. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What if someone does it and they become like Mencia? | ||
| They become huge when they do that shit on television and then you're like what if it's like a bit You have a very unusual bit about fucking Skittles. | ||
| It's like a signature bit, and it's hilarious. | ||
| Pick a subject. | ||
| But it's something that's real and near and dear to your heart, and maybe you worked on it for a long time. | ||
| There's bits that you work on that don't fucking work right away, and you try to figure out how to make them work, and then someone comes along and just swipes it. | ||
| You're not going to just... | ||
| Except that. | ||
| Well, I guess that theory, my theory applies to when people are less famous than me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They suck. | |
| Yes. | ||
| When they suck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you just assume. | ||
| They're never gonna make it. | ||
| But, I don't know, man. | ||
| It's definitely dicey. | ||
| I mean, Amy's a close friend, so it is dicey. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's just a weird thing. | ||
| That's exactly why it's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I like her a lot. | ||
| I think she's hilarious. | ||
| She's very funny and sharp in interviews and on the radio. | ||
| You know doing podcasts. | ||
| She's fucking funny. | ||
| She's sharp. | ||
| She's smart. | ||
| She's ambitious as fuck, but this is a it's very unfortunate. | ||
| It's very unfortunate You know, there's also a problem with apparently she burned through a shitload of material doing that show Like doing their show like a lot of her stand-up premises she did in the show this show is very important and then right afterwards she's got to do the HBO special and You know, in the HBO special, there's only the one bit. | ||
| There's only the Wendy Liebman joke, right? | ||
| Well, there's another Marc Maron one, too. | ||
| But the Marc Maron one that people are saying is like, boy, that's a pretty obvious premise. | ||
| But, you know, I don't know, man. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| You know, who knows? | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Is that? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We'll leave it there. | ||
| We'll leave it there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not good. | |
| She'll rebound because she's talented. | ||
| You know, I really think she is. | ||
| But if she was anybody else, though, how about this? | ||
| This is true. | ||
| If I didn't care about her, if I wasn't friends with her, if she was anybody else, people would want her head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If she was some asshole, you know, like if it was Mencia, like if this came out that Mencia had a new show and all this shit was on, people would want his head. | ||
| There would be blood in the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But she's a strong woman, she's a feminist, you know, this whole deal. | ||
| And people like her. | ||
| Like, comics like her. | ||
| There's definitely a more kid gloves approach from the comedy community. | ||
| Except for the girls that she stole from, or allegedly stole from, or they believe she stole from. | ||
| They went after her and then they pulled back. | ||
| Like Wendy Liebman and Kathleen Madigan. | ||
| They went after her and then they pulled back. | ||
| It's unfortunate. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you. | |
| You backed out of the whole conversation. | ||
| I didn't back out though. | ||
| He even pulled your chair back. | ||
| He even slid his chair back. | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| She'll be fine. | ||
| She'll be fine. | ||
| But, you know, that's why it's important to have original material like Pele and Kiki. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Keenan. | ||
| Keenan and Pell? | ||
| Writers, man. | ||
| Writers are a fucking problem. | ||
| If you don't know those dudes, if you hire a bunch of writers, you just don't know. | ||
| You don't know what their ethical process is. | ||
| You don't know how their creative process works. | ||
| You don't know, man. | ||
| And those guys have to produce. | ||
| They have to produce. | ||
| I knew a girl who was a writer on a crime show or something like that. | ||
| And she apparently had plagiarized some shit. | ||
| She got busted. | ||
| You know, she just cut and pasted or came up with some some shit that somebody else had already done and that was it for her. | ||
| Later, later in the season at my show. | ||
| So we would, you know, we'll send out, I'll send out requests for jokes about a certain thing. | ||
| And it was some writers, you know, each subject, they'll fucking crank it out, crank out 10 or whatever, a bunch of jokes. | ||
| And it was one writer close to that. | ||
| He just started, he was just sending in like one week-ass joke per time. | ||
| And I wanted to be like, yo, are you... | ||
| I never said anything about it because the season was winding down, but a part of me wanted to say, are you depressed or some shit? | ||
| You're only gonna give me one joke. | ||
| I wonder if I'm a bad boss because I didn't say step it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I knew him before... | ||
| Is he a comic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a problem. | ||
| But he wrote a lot too. | ||
| He was sitting in one joke. | ||
| I'm like, one joke, man? | ||
| The problem with comics is, if I'm working on your show and I come up with a fucking bang-ass premise, I'm gonna tuck that shit away and I'm gonna give you some half-assed shit. | ||
| Because if it's going to be in your act, you're like, holy shit, this could be my new closer. | ||
| This could make me. | ||
| This could be it. | ||
| I can't give this to Hannibal. | ||
| That happens, right? | ||
| With comics? | ||
| I mean, I could see it. | ||
| I could see it happening. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That's definitely what happens with comics. | ||
| If you're a writer, just a writer, that's a different thing. | ||
| Then you want to be known for your writing. | ||
| But if you're a writer and a comic, talk that bitch away. | ||
| Tuck it away. | ||
| It's just interesting, man. | ||
| This whole thing is an interesting time because the accountability is so high now. | ||
| I think that's good. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Because I think excuse Amy and say it wasn't her fault and it's all writers and everything like that. | ||
| Obviously, there was an originality problem. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| There's no getting around that. | ||
| I think that's a good thing, man. | ||
| It forces people to... | ||
| To be as original as possible. | ||
| And even then, you're going to have some mistakes or some parallel thinking. | ||
| Parallel thinking is so common. | ||
| Like a Viagra thing, right? | ||
| Like, if you have an erection for more than five hours, seek medical help. | ||
| That joke writes itself. | ||
| That's over. | ||
| That's... | ||
| There's a lot of things. | ||
| I got two kids. | ||
| I got a boy and a girl. | ||
| The boy is an idiot. | ||
| The girl is so sweet and smart. | ||
| The boy is doing this dumb shit. | ||
| The girl is over there doing this. | ||
| My wife is pregnant. | ||
| I joke about wanting to have a kid just so I can get 20 to 30 minutes of kid material. | ||
| With that, I get the trying to get my girl pregnant material. | ||
| Then the wife is pregnant material. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| She's pregnant. | ||
| She's all this shit. | ||
| Then I got the delivery of the baby material. | ||
| Like, oh shit, fellas! | ||
| Let me tell you, if you in there, do not look at the pussy. | ||
| The pussy is gonna be ruined. | ||
| That joke. | ||
| And then you got the having a newborn baby. | ||
| It doesn't do anything. | ||
| It's just there. | ||
| And then you got all of the toddlers. | ||
| There's plenty of material in that. | ||
| Yeah, but the jokes have been done. | ||
| They've been done to death. | ||
| There's no way around that. | ||
| There's no way around those. | ||
| Do you remember in the early 2000s, while Bush was still in office, there was a Chinese fighter jet collided with an American fighter jet, and the Chinese fighter jet's pilot, the pilot's name was Wong Wei. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Really? | ||
| His name was Wong Wei. | ||
| Wong Wei, W-E-I? W-O-N-G-W-E-I. Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That joke. | ||
| At the Comedy Store that night, Ari Shafir tells about it because he worked the door. | ||
| And the Comedy Store starts at 9 and goes till 2. He said, guys who would go on at 11 didn't know that someone had already did it at... | ||
|
unidentified
|
9, 9.30, 10, 10.15. | |
| You know, like, guys would show up five minutes before they set. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| They'd say it. | ||
| And the audience is like, are we getting punked? | ||
| It's the same fucking joke over and over and over again. | ||
| I would love a DVD of that night. | ||
| I was just picturing guys that haven't written in a while either. | ||
| And I was like, oh shit, this Wong Wei shit is about to kill it. | ||
| I'm feeling so creatively inspired. | ||
| Wong Wei. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guys who haven't written in a while, like, oh, I got this one. | |
| This is it. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This one wrote itself. | ||
| Sometimes I'll search a joke before I tweet something that's about something topical. | ||
| I'll search that on Twitter. | ||
| To see if somebody else said it already. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| And it's some stuff that's easy first thought that anybody can come up with where I was like, oh, yeah, I'm not that creative. | ||
| I didn't have a hot take on this Cavaliers game. | ||
| But it's weird because if it's your thought, like, shouldn't you just express yourself? | ||
| Do you have to go looking to make sure someone didn't express a similar idea first? | ||
| You know? | ||
| You don't have to, but it's just, I'd rather do that than tweet the exact same thing as somebody with 30 followers just tweeted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's tricky, right? | ||
| And memes, man. | ||
| That was another one that Wendy Liebman got pissed at. | ||
| Someone had taken one of her bits and turned it into a meme. | ||
| But without her face, so credit? | ||
| Yeah, they used a cartoon image. | ||
| Instead of her... | ||
| And she was pissed. | ||
| Yeah, if it was her face, I mean, they've done it a bunch of times to me, I'm sure to you too, with your actual face and a bit that you said, I have zero problem with that. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It means they like you. | ||
| It means they think you're funny and they took the time to say something that you said that they enjoyed and they put it in a picture. | ||
| I'm kind of upset that I never made blam blam weed and ham t-shirts. | ||
| You should. | ||
| It's not too late. | ||
| It's not too late. | ||
| Especially if I take you pig hunting. | ||
| If I take you pig hunting, then we can go out there with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people had that meme, like, immediately. | ||
| Like, while we were doing the podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Blam, blam, we eatin' ham. | ||
| Blam, blam, eatin' ham. | ||
| Like, that was one of the big complaints about that fat Jewish guy, was that he would take stand-up bits, and they would put them in memes. | ||
| They would steal someone's stand-up jokes and turn into a meme. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was, uh, you know... | ||
| And it became this thing, well, is he stealing jokes? | ||
| Because he's just putting up memes on Instagram. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| But yeah, it is stealing jokes. | ||
| Because he wasn't crediting people. | ||
| And he was also taking people's memes from their site and just reposting it without crediting them. | ||
| And then getting all of the new followers and likes. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Somebody... | ||
| I went out with this girl in New York who works with his management or something. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And... | ||
| I don't know how true this is or if this is just a one-off instance, but she said that he got booked to do somebody's prom or sweet 16. And she said he got $150,000. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| Maybe it was a bar mitzvah. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Well, if you're some fucking hedge fund guy and you got a son who's really into the internet, that's what he wants. | ||
| Dad, I want you to get me the fat Jewish. | ||
| All right, son. | ||
| If that's what you want, that's what you'll get. | ||
| Because Beyonce will do gigs like that. | ||
| She'll go to Bahrain, dance for some Prince, make a couple million bucks, head home on a private jet. | ||
| They do shit like that. | ||
| They'll do people's parties. | ||
| I know a dude, and at his party, he's some insanely wealthy guy. | ||
| He had Sting, Sting performed, and someone else liked that. | ||
| Like, some other big name dude. | ||
| And my friend went to this party, and I was like, what the fuck was that like? | ||
| They go, dude, we're watching Sting perform for 50 people at this guy's house. | ||
| Like, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's very crazy. | ||
| At Dana White's birthday party, Stone Temple Pilots played. | ||
| Stone motherfucking Temple Pilots in a small ballroom in Vegas at a hotel. | ||
| And they... | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| That dude, he's dead now. | ||
| He just died of a heroin overdose, I guess. | ||
| Or just fucking his body up until it quit. | ||
| But that motherfucker could perform. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody was paying attention. | ||
| Here's part of the problem, yeah. | ||
| We had to get everybody up. | ||
| People felt bad, so they're getting people up out of their seats and getting them towards the stage. | ||
| Like, watch this huge band. | ||
| They probably had to pay. | ||
| Who the fuck knows how much they had to pay them. | ||
| It must have been an ungodly sum of money. | ||
| But that fucking dude rocked out like there was 100,000 people in that audience. | ||
| He went full on. | ||
| I mean, full on. | ||
| It was really impressive. | ||
| It made me want to be better at stand-up. | ||
| It made me want to work at my stand-up. | ||
| I think it's easier to do that when you're doing music, because you got the music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't need momentum. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's easy to have the wind taken out of your sails when you perform for an inattentive crowd. | ||
| It's tough to just really... | ||
| Get into it. | ||
| I guess you can, but it takes a different... | ||
| For doing stand-up? | ||
| For doing stand-up, if you're doing it in front of people that are... | ||
| Half of them are eating, 10 of them are texting, and a few people paying attention and giving polite chuckles. | ||
| It's tough to be like, okay, I'm going to go all the way, because you're so dependent on the reaction. | ||
| Well, with music, you've got the band behind you, you can be like, I'm going to just rock this shit out and cast this check and go. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, and comedy acts with guitars, too. | ||
| They could do the same shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they still need the laughs. | ||
| The laughs is what builds it into being able to really... | ||
| Rock that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And be a pro. | ||
| But I found sometimes that people, if you, because I've done some gigs that are horrible. | ||
| I did this gig. | ||
| It's a nice paying gig in Chicago. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| It was this wide ballroom. | ||
| Most people talking. | ||
| Some people listening. | ||
| And usually I would call out, like, this shit sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is horrible. | ||
| This is a horrible performance situation. | ||
| But something in my head just said, you know what? | ||
| Just do the time. | ||
| Go a few minutes short. | ||
| And just don't acknowledge it. | ||
| And just pile through. | ||
| Do the time. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| Get the money and go. | ||
| And if you don't, sometimes you don't acknowledge that you're bombing, people think it went well. | ||
| Well, they might just be nice to you. | ||
| Or they might have just been nice. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I hated the meet and greet afterwards. | ||
| I had to meet and greet with some of the people with the organization or whatever and take a bunch of pictures. | ||
| After you ate it? | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't necessarily eating, but it wasn't an ideal gig. | ||
| It was just a cash grab. | ||
| A cash grab. | ||
| Yeah, it was like the meet and greet afterwards. | ||
| I hate doing a meet and greet after a so-so show because I'd rather be amongst myself and my friends. | ||
| I don't know any of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you were in the crowd that I hated as a group. | ||
| I wanted to talk to you, but I'm glad you brought that up because I remember you and I were at the same casino, that Tuya Lip Casino up in, it's like an hour north of Seattle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know that gig sucked for you because that gig sucked for me and it sucked so bad for Patton Oswalt that he did a fucking bit about it. | ||
| It's on his last CD. I've never performed for a place where people were more drunk and rowdy and crazy. | ||
| It is the most... | ||
| I mean, I had a good time. | ||
| It was fun, but I did an hour. | ||
| I might have done 10 minutes of material. | ||
| And I might be exaggerating. | ||
| You know, it wasn't that bad. | ||
| Like, they did seat a bunch of people... | ||
| I'm trying to remember if this is the right... | ||
| But I don't remember it being horrible. | ||
| Disastrous. | ||
| They did seat a lot of people... | ||
| Up front that obviously weren't fans of mine. | ||
| They got casino comps or whatever. | ||
| They lose a lot of money there. | ||
| So it was weird having these middle-aged, 50-something, like the first couple rows full of these Asian ladies that obviously... | ||
| Nothing against Asian ladies, but I don't think they were familiar with my work. | ||
| And they were in the front row. | ||
| So I commented on that, but it wasn't that... | ||
| That bad of a gig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, it was way better than the gig I was talking about. | ||
| There's another interesting thing about that gig, is that gig was where, this was way before all the Cosby stuff came out, the woman who was the manager came up to us, and we were talking and this and that, and I always ask people. | ||
| I said, what's the weirdest shit you've had to deal with? | ||
| Like, what's the most annoying comedian you had to deal with? | ||
| Like, what's the worst thing you had to deal with? | ||
| And she goes, Bill Cosby was the weirdest. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| She goes, first of all, he made us sit down. | ||
| He made the staff, powerful Jamie, with the beer, ready. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Very powerful. | ||
| I was about to ask him for another one. | ||
| Can I get one of those, too? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I feel bad with him drinking by himself. | ||
| Dope. | ||
| He made the audience, or not the audience, the staff sit and watch him eat curry. | ||
| They just sit and watch him eat. | ||
| He wanted everybody that was working there to sit down and watch him eat. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, apparently this is his thing. | ||
| Or was his thing. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| He would make... | ||
| Cheers, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers. | |
| Good to have you here, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ah, nueva cerveza. | ||
| He would make the staff, like the ticket people, the ushers, security. | ||
| They came in his dressing room and they watched him eat curry. | ||
| He sat down and ate and they just watched him. | ||
| He wants people to be around him while he's eating. | ||
| Maybe he talks to you, maybe he doesn't. | ||
| But he wants you to be there while he's eating his curry. | ||
| Yeah, I've been doing that for five years. | ||
| Then, at the end of the night, he wanted the security guard to tuck him in. | ||
| Like, he lays in bed. | ||
| He wants a security guard to tuck him in. | ||
| Put the blanket over him. | ||
| Tuck, tuck, tuck. | ||
| Tuck, tuck, tuck. | ||
| Shut the lights out. | ||
| And leave. | ||
| No, please no. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Please no, man. | ||
| There's some weird shit going on. | ||
| There was some weird shit going on with that dude. | ||
| Just the mind. | ||
| Now you just put me on another headline and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just by me being here. | |
| Joe Rogan tells Hannibal weird Bill Cosby story. | ||
| I've heard the curry thing from someone else, too. | ||
| I've heard it from someone else. | ||
| Someone else had a similar story. | ||
| That he did that. | ||
| That he makes people that work in these places sit and watch them eat. | ||
| If you're in a weird shit, man. | ||
| People are in a weird shit. | ||
| It's not the weirdest thing. | ||
| It's not awful. | ||
| It's just weird. | ||
| It's just weird, yeah. | ||
| What's your weird shit on the road? | ||
| You're very straightforward? | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty straightforward. | ||
| I take pictures with everybody after the show. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| That's the weird thing. | ||
| I go out and I'll do it for hours. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you feel? | ||
| Do you enjoy it or are you piling through after the tenth one? | ||
| Or do you just appreciate what it means to people? | ||
| I appreciate it, and what I do is I reset. | ||
| So every person, I don't go, man, another one, another one. | ||
| If you think that way, it'll fuck you up. | ||
| But what I do is I just reset. | ||
| This is me meeting this person for the first time, and now this is me meeting this person for the first time. | ||
| It's not the hardest thing to do for an hour or two. | ||
| It's not a big deal. | ||
| That's my weird thing. | ||
| It's not that weird. | ||
| It's an appreciation thing. | ||
| It's appreciation. | ||
| They pay money. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They're excited to see you. | ||
| But when it's 3,700 people, usually it's not all of them that do the picture thing, but it might be 1,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The one in Chicago is nuts. | ||
| There's a line up around the top, all the way down the stairs. | ||
| That took fucking forever. | ||
| But that builds. | ||
| People post that online. | ||
| They're like, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Some people might not even know. | ||
| They're like, oh, that seems cool. | ||
| Let me check out who Joe Rogan is. | ||
| And then they listen to the podcast or come to a show. | ||
| The weird part is when some people, even though there's a giant line, they got to talk to you. | ||
| They got to tell you some fucking story that takes forever. | ||
| You're like, yo, dude, there's a giant line behind you. | ||
| I need some advice. | ||
| Oh, this is the wrong place. | ||
| It's the wrong place for advice. | ||
| I don't like when people ask me to do some goofy shit in the picture. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Like can you just do, let's make a weird, let's make weird faces. | ||
| Can I jump on your back? | ||
| Nah, man. | ||
| Let's just look at this camera. | ||
| Let's get this shit. | ||
| Can I jump on your back? | ||
| Hold this. | ||
| I'm like, nah, man. | ||
| Let's just do it. | ||
| I'm happy to take the picture with you, but stop directing me. | ||
| I'm traveling around the country with this garden gnome. | ||
| I want you to hold it up. | ||
| Will you hold it up? | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| I got everybody. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I got Jay Moore last week. | ||
| He held up the garden gnome. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it only takes one person to weird you out for the rest of the night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The fucking dude in his garden, though, man. | ||
| I get thrown off easily by people sometimes. | ||
| Not thrown off, but I can just get put in a... | ||
| A weird spot. | ||
| Did you get put in a lot of weird spots after the whole Cosby thing happened? | ||
| Did you get heckled about it at all? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think one time I was talking about the reaction to it and then some guy was like, that's all you talk about! | ||
| I was like, I did like 40 minutes before I even brought this up. | ||
| But besides that... | ||
| Not really, because the people that want to heckle me about it aren't the people paying 30-35 dollars to see me. | ||
| You would think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you never know. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who knows next tour? | ||
| Some people just get drunk and they just can't fucking handle themselves. | ||
| They just don't know what to do. | ||
| It is an interesting thing where people sometimes think... | ||
| I did Ice House and I popped into... | ||
| It was a show in a small room last Saturday. | ||
| And... | ||
| I did a set, and it was just the most talkative crowd. | ||
| I started out, I was like, hey, so I don't know if you've ever been to Japan. | ||
| And it's like six people. | ||
| Like, no, no, we haven't. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's like, no, I wasn't asking you. | ||
| This is not a dialogue. | ||
| No, we haven't been to Japan, really. | ||
| I ended up yelling at them and roasting people for about eight minutes, did two jokes, and then... | ||
| Got up out of there. | ||
| You were in the small room? | ||
| In the small room, yeah. | ||
| The small room, so intimate. | ||
| It's only like 80 people. | ||
| Yeah, and it was packed, and it was just talkative. | ||
| Yeah, that was probably a bad show. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Yeah, it was just... | ||
| I think they just wanted to be roasted and yelled at, and they were all probably day drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'll happen. | ||
| What are you doing tonight? | ||
| You got a set? | ||
| We'll do Meltdown tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah? | |
| What time's that? | ||
| 8.30. | ||
| What time you done? | ||
| Probably 9.30, 10 at the latest. | ||
| If you want to come down to Ice House, sold out show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, me, Bill Burr, Chris D'Elia, and Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Shazam! | ||
| The big room. | ||
| It'll be a hot crowd. | ||
| It'll be a hot crowd too. | ||
| The big room is the shit at the Ice House. | ||
| That's the greatest room in the country. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Perfect room. | ||
| Can't be wrong. | ||
| And it's the oldest. | ||
| Oldest comedy club in the world. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Since when? | ||
| It's from 1960. 1960? | ||
| That's the oldest comedy club in the world? | ||
| Oldest comedy club on earth. | ||
| Did Richard Pryor ever perform there? | ||
| I'm sure he did. | ||
| He lived in LA. He had to have. | ||
| Everybody did. | ||
| George Carlin did. | ||
| There's so many fucking pictures on the wall. | ||
| Steve Martin performed there. | ||
| I mean, fill in the blank. | ||
| Stephen Wright performed there. | ||
| There's so many fucking pictures on the wall of people that were there. | ||
| It's one of the most classic comedy clubs on earth. | ||
| Maybe the most classic. | ||
| Next to the... | ||
| The store has like a greater history because there's more greatness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if you go to the store on any given night, like the other night, it was... | ||
| Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle. | ||
| Dave Chappelle went up and then Chris Rock went up. | ||
| Bam, bam. | ||
| Just totally out of nowhere. | ||
| I mean, that doesn't happen anywhere else. | ||
| The Cellar, sometimes? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those two clubs. | ||
| Like, where someone will pop in. | ||
| You know, like, Bill Burr will pop in, Louis will pop in, someone will pop in. | ||
| And if you're there for a show on a random Tuesday night, you might get to see one of the best comics ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just randomly. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| Well, I did a show with Chappelle and Rock last Thursday. | ||
| This past Thursday. | ||
| Rock popped in. | ||
| He was doing stuff about the Oscars and everything? | ||
| I was gone by then. | ||
| I went up earlier. | ||
| I brought up Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz brought up Chappelle. | ||
| And Chappelle brought up... | ||
| No, Joey Diaz brought up someone else. | ||
| And then that person brought up Chappelle. | ||
| And when Joey got off stage, I went home. | ||
| So I missed it. | ||
| But Dave was there the other night, man. | ||
| Fucking hilarious. | ||
| He showed up out of nowhere. | ||
| I brought him up and he smoked like six packs of cigarettes on stage. | ||
| I guess you're allowed to smoke on stage. | ||
| It's a performance loophole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a part of your performance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a theatrical production. | ||
| Like if you had a cigar on stage and you're playing some cigar smoking guy. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| But fuck, man. | ||
| No, he's fun to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There was a show, was it two years ago? | ||
| Or three, two years ago? | ||
| It was, I went on, then Kevin Hart went on, and then Chappelle went on and brought Rock on stage. | ||
| I want to say Marlon Wayans, Bill Bellamy, Questlove, and... | ||
| Where the fuck was this? | ||
| It was at the Comedy Cellar. | ||
| And they were all on stage at once, just passing the mic, cracking jokes. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| For about an hour and a half. | ||
| It was one of the craziest things I ever saw. | ||
| All on stage at the same time? | ||
| All on the little Comedy Cellar stage at the same time, just telling old stories and shit. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| The Cellar, what is that seat? | ||
| 100 and some change. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 110 tops. | ||
| Those little clubs, man. | ||
| There's something magic about those little clubs. | ||
| It's funny because everybody does stand-up specials in a big place. | ||
| But your best performances, like for me at least, the shows that I have the most fun are like a little place. | ||
| Well, yeah, just because you can... | ||
| The clubs are more fun. | ||
| The people are right there. | ||
| The energy is different. | ||
| You can kind of... | ||
| You could take more liberties as far as working out a bit, you know? | ||
| You can't really... | ||
| You can try stuff in a theater, you can't really work out. | ||
| In a theater. | ||
| But in a club, you can have some misses and you can lose the crowd, gain them back, that type of thing. | ||
| So the clubs are more fun, but yeah, the theaters just look better. | ||
| They look better, but there's some theaters that it works at. | ||
| Like the Tabernacle in Atlanta, that place is hot. | ||
| You shot there before? | ||
| Yeah, I shot there in my 2012 special, and I was just there. | ||
| I was just there a couple weeks ago. | ||
| That place is hot. | ||
| That is a hot... | ||
| Theater. | ||
| It's a theater, but the acoustics in it are amazing, and the way it's tiered, the people, even the people in the back row, they're pretty fucking close, even though it's a big place. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| There's a bunch of these old theaters in this country that when you perform there, you're like a part of a museum or some shit. | ||
| You're performing in a place that's 100 years old. | ||
| Yeah, and they charge you for it, too. | ||
| They charge you for the history. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| I didn't see it, but did you see Rousey on SNL? No, I didn't see it. | ||
| You didn't see it? | ||
| No. | ||
| What? | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| You didn't watch it? | ||
| I didn't watch it. | ||
| Joe Rogan didn't watch Ronda Rousey? | ||
| I didn't watch it. | ||
| You didn't watch one of the top UFC stars? | ||
| On one of the top... | ||
| Those are your worlds there. | ||
| I'll watch it eventually. | ||
| Comedy and fighting. | ||
| I'm not into watching things while they happen. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I like to wait. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Tell me it's good and I'll watch it. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| I wanted to hear... | ||
| I started out by saying I hadn't seen it. | ||
| But I just assumed you had and you would go off about it for a few minutes. | ||
| Killed some time. | ||
| That killed some time, but I just wanted to hear your thoughts on it. | ||
| No, I haven't seen it. | ||
| I'm sure it was good. | ||
| I heard it was good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you hear it was good, Jamie? | ||
| You didn't see it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's a fighter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you want to see a cook race a bike? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A fighter fight. | ||
| I would like to see a cook race a bike. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, if someone that I really liked was doing it. | ||
| But I don't watch SNL. I'm not a fan. | ||
| I don't think it's good. | ||
| It's too bad too often for me to get into it. | ||
| Like, the amount of good stuff that you get off the SNL versus the amount of, like, it's way more than it is good. | ||
| There's just... | ||
| Over the years, if you accumulate all the different sketches, I mean, goddamn, I mean, it's a classic show. | ||
| But on any given night... | ||
| Boy, you're gonna watch a lot of mediocre shit. | ||
| The Tina Fey, Amy Poehler episode, that was really good. | ||
| I was there for that. | ||
| It had some really great sketches in it. | ||
| I also have a problem with it because I did news radio with Phil Hartman. | ||
| And Phil Hartman had incredibly negative shit to say about SNL, about the environment, about what it was like working there, about all the backstabbing, behind-the-scenes shit. | ||
| He hated it. | ||
| He fucking hated it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And when he came over from the- Yeah, secretly. | ||
| Like, I don't think he was public about it, but- Until now. | ||
| Well, I think he's probably talking- Well, he's dead now. | ||
| Post-homisly. | ||
| Post-hominously? | ||
| Homus? | ||
| Is it post-hominously? | ||
| Posthumous. | ||
| Posthumous? | ||
| Yeah, Key and Healy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's stupid. | |
| Post-homisly. | ||
| Posthumous. | ||
| Posthumously. | ||
| Posthumous? | ||
| So, being alive is hotness? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's just, that's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Am I saying it wrong? | ||
| Posthumously, right? | ||
| Now that he's dead. | ||
| Now that he's dead, it's leaked out. | ||
| Well, you know what happened was, he came over when he did NewsRadio. | ||
| That was the first sitcom that he'd ever done. | ||
| And when he came over, he had this sort of standoffish sort of an attitude. | ||
| Like, everybody's competing against everybody else. | ||
| It was like, every man for himself. | ||
| But then, when he realized it wasn't like that, he relaxed. | ||
| And then when he relaxed, he and I became friends, and he would talk, and he'd tell me about it, and tell me about what it was like over there. | ||
| He was a funny dude, man. | ||
| He used to like, get high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he would get barbecued. | ||
| Get high and start rapping. | ||
| He would get high and go sailing. | ||
| That's what he liked to do. | ||
| I go, what'd you do this weekend? | ||
| Oh, I got high and I got on my boat. | ||
| I went sailing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In New York or out here? | ||
| Out here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was an interesting dude. | ||
| I never met anybody who was more professional. | ||
| He would have these notebooks. | ||
| When you get a script, I would fucking lose my script. | ||
| I'd be like, I can't find my script. | ||
| Is there any other scripts? | ||
| I'd get another script, and I'd read off that script. | ||
| But his script was in a binder, and he had different colored tabs for different scenes, like a yellow tab for the first scene, a blue tab for the second scene. | ||
| All of his lines were highlighted, and he had notes, like little annotations. | ||
| You put little fucking notes on the side of each thing, like hit it like this or do that, emphasis on that. | ||
| He was extremely professional. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I learned a lot about discipline and just being a professional, watching him work. | ||
| That guy was not successful by accident. | ||
| He was a hard-working, smart dude. | ||
| Married a cunt. | ||
| Alright, we'll be right back Well, you're allowed to call someone a cunt When they kill your friend No, definitely. | ||
| One of those times. | ||
| One of those times it's a free ride. | ||
| I was in Vegas and this is a weird thing that happened. | ||
| I met up with a friend of a friend. | ||
| This girl and her friend. | ||
| We hang out for a little bit. | ||
| Go to the craps table. | ||
| I couldn't explain craps to her. | ||
| She could not take in the rules of crap. | ||
| She was a little drunk, but still, not the whole craps table, but the basic 7-11 on the first roll is good, 2-3-12 is bad. | ||
| If you get anything else, that's your point. | ||
| You want to hit that point before you hit seven. | ||
| You probably couldn't explain it to me. | ||
| I don't understand craps. | ||
| You get a point. | ||
| If you have four, five, six, eight, nine, or ten, that's your point. | ||
| And you want to hit that before you hit seven. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But I said this to her eight times. | ||
| And she was watching the table also, so she was just like, Is that good? | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| If the guy is handing me money, it's good. | ||
| If he's taking away my money, it's bad. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Anyway, so we get back in my hotel room. | ||
| And her friend was there, too. | ||
| Long story short, her friend ended up leaving. | ||
| We fucked real quick. | ||
| And then... | ||
| And then I go, I hop in the shower. | ||
| I'm about to head downstairs to the awards, to the porn awards. | ||
| And then she was trying to make me fuck again. | ||
| She was like, let's do it. | ||
| Let's do it again. | ||
| I didn't come. | ||
| And I was like, no, we're done. | ||
| She was trying to force. | ||
| She was like, just, I'll ride you. | ||
| I was like, no, we already finished. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess I didn't get what I was like. | |
| And I was like, am I being a douchebag? | ||
| No, she was being demanded. | ||
| Also, that doesn't feel good. | ||
| I'm going to be like, okay, let's go again. | ||
| Also, I'm almost 33. It takes a long time to build back up to that. | ||
| Like, the second round is too much for me right now. | ||
| Well, it depends entirely on how attractive she is. | ||
| Or how attracted you are to her. | ||
| Both as a human being and physically. | ||
| Like, what she looks like. | ||
| And, like, it sounds like she's annoying a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, going to the porn awards was definitely more appealing than having sex with her for a second time. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Yeah, let's go. | ||
| She was just really... | ||
| Is it harder for drunk girls to come? | ||
| Because it's hard for drunk dudes to come, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So is it hard for drunk girls to come? | |
| So you might have been there all night, just pounding away. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are we done yet? | ||
| Not yet! | ||
| She was a mess. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| It does happen. | ||
| Yeah, I make some bad decisions sometimes. | ||
| Hey, we all do. | ||
| It's part of life. | ||
| Especially with alcohol. | ||
| It's amazing how many good decisions get made when you think about all the booze that's flowing around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially in Vegas. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Like when you go to Vegas, it's amazing that it's not just chaos and fucking street fights and bottles breaking over people's heads. | ||
| If you just look at like that, look at a casino. | ||
| There's a fucking hundred thousand people in there or whatever the hell it is. | ||
| Everyone's boozed up. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| People losing money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| People fucking up their lives. | ||
| Definitely people fucking up their lives. | ||
| My friend Andrew, he had this dude that he used to work with. | ||
| He used to work at a restaurant. | ||
| This dude saved up his money for 10 years. | ||
| 10 fucking years. | ||
| He had a savings account. | ||
| And he put together like 20 grand in the savings account over 10 years. | ||
| He's chipping away. | ||
| He wasn't making much money. | ||
| He's working at a restaurant. | ||
| Goes to Vegas. | ||
| He blew it all in one. | ||
| All gone. | ||
| All gone. | ||
| Came back just devastated. | ||
| 10 years of working overtime, putting money away, 100 here, 200 there, thinking about all those hours that he spent washing dishes and cleaning up and all that shit, just to blow it. | ||
| In a weekend. | ||
| A weekend. | ||
| Still hasn't recovered. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| Probably killed himself. | ||
| He said they're real casual, like... | ||
| People do it. | ||
| People do do it. | ||
| They definitely do do it. | ||
| You shouldn't do it over money though, right? | ||
| Unless you owe somebody else money. | ||
| Even then. | ||
| Pay them. | ||
| I think Robert De Niro owes somebody money. | ||
| That's why he's doing these shitty movies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| The Intern? | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| That was a work of art. | ||
| He did that shit because of integrity. | ||
| No, I heard The Intern actually... | ||
| Did you see The Intern? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I watched part of it. | ||
| Did you like it? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| I heard some people... | ||
| Did Intern get decent reviews? | ||
| Maybe, but so did, like... | ||
| There's a lot of shitty movies that get good reviews. | ||
| But I feel like as far as compared to this Dirty Grandpa one, have you seen the trailers for this at all? | ||
| I just saw a brief second of it where I saw De Niro making a De Niro face and it said Dirty Grandpa. | ||
| That's all I saw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it look bad? | |
| I feel like he owes people money, like with this movie, like doing a movie like that. | ||
| One of the best actors of all time. | ||
| Of all time. | ||
| Or maybe he doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| No, I think he owes somebody millions. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that they get that lifestyle going and they want to feed that lifestyle. | ||
| They just want a private jet. | ||
| They want private jets. | ||
| They want that house in Spain or wherever the fuck they like to vacation. | ||
| They want a boat. | ||
| They want a this. | ||
| They want a that. | ||
| They want a fat apartment in New York City. | ||
| They want a home in Beverly Hills. | ||
| They want a pow, pow, pow. | ||
| When you do that, you need to generate a lot of income. | ||
| And when guys get older especially, the money drops substantially. | ||
| That was a big thing that Robin Williams is experiencing He was talking about that before he died that the money just wasn't there anymore There was no there's no big money gigs like he would get interesting roles in these independent films, but they paid nothing Yeah, and that's why I did that CBS Mm-hmm. | ||
| We just needed to generate some money. | ||
| And he had some crazy estate. | ||
| He's got some amazing place in Northern California, like 24 million bucks, like hundreds of acres, just giant mansion on it, just like the total Great Gatsby house, you know? | ||
| I'm keeping my costs low. | ||
| Keep your costs low, Hannibal. | ||
| I'm keeping my costs low. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Until what? | ||
| Until 30 years from now. | ||
| 30 years from now? | ||
| Then you go off when I'm when I become the host of Family Feud Then I'm gonna start spending that shit What about the Price is Right? | ||
| No, Family Feud. | ||
| Family Feud. | ||
| I feel like Family Feud has more room for humor than Price is Right. | ||
| Price is Right, you can get some jokes off. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But Family Feud, you can crack. | ||
| You got a bunch of different people. | ||
| You get jokes off everybody. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Steve Harvey gets a lot of good laughs off Family Feud. | ||
| A lot of jokes. | ||
| You got people setting you up. | ||
| Softball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's set up in the questions, too. | ||
| You know, a lot of the questions are like, they're just jobs. | ||
| Just innuendo questions. | ||
| Just fucking, you know, clean dick jokes. | ||
| If they came to you tomorrow with a family feud, they go, look, Wayne Brady, he just doesn't want to do it anymore. | ||
| Is Wayne Brady doing it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wayne Brady's doing something else. | ||
| He's doing Price is Right, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Drew Carey's doing Price is Right. | ||
| Wayne Brady has some show... | ||
| Let's make a deal. | ||
| He does? | ||
| He's on Let's Make a Deal. | ||
| It's weird that they rehash these old shows. | ||
| Those shows have been around since like the 30s. | ||
| Cheap to make, tape, whatever. | ||
| How many they tape in a day? | ||
| Hundreds. | ||
| Ten in a day. | ||
| They just keep taping them. | ||
| Man, I don't know. | ||
| If they came to me today with an offer for... | ||
| I don't know if I could go in the... | ||
| It would have to be a nice offer for me to go in the game show world now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| I don't think I could do it again. | ||
| I mean, I definitely could do it again if I was broke, but I wouldn't want to do it again unless it was something unbelievable. | ||
| Did they pitch Fear Factor to you? | ||
| Fear Factor already existed. | ||
| It was a show in Holland. | ||
| It was called Now or Neverland. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And then they came to me. | ||
| Because I had a development deal with NBC to do a sitcom. | ||
| And they came to me and they said, hey, there's this thing, we want you to come in and have a meeting with it. | ||
| And I started making fun of it. | ||
| When I went in there, they didn't want me at first because I wasn't making fun of it. | ||
| Because they were sicking dogs on people, making them eat animal dicks and shit. | ||
| I was mocking it. | ||
| And then one of the producers was like, listen, this guy's not going to work. | ||
| He's like, he's not taking it seriously. | ||
| We need these people to be scared. | ||
| And then the other producer, my friend David Hurwitz, was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Look at what we're doing. | ||
| We need someone to mock this. | ||
| This is fucking ridiculous. | ||
| This show is ridiculous. | ||
| If it's going to be successful, we probably need a comedian. | ||
| You probably need someone to mock it. | ||
| And I wound up doing it. | ||
| But I never thought... | ||
| I thought it was gonna be canceled immediately. | ||
| How many seasons was it? | ||
| Six. | ||
| 148 episodes. | ||
| Which episode should we look for if we want to see you dead in the eyes? | ||
| Well, I wasn't dead in the eyes. | ||
| I did way better than that. | ||
| Right around episode three or four, I started getting high as fuck! | ||
| I would get so high that I could feel the earth spinning. | ||
| I would take pot lollipops with me to the set, and I would just suck on pot lollipops, because that's a slow release, and the pot lollipops will kick in like an hour into the show. | ||
| But I'm functional. | ||
| I know how to do it. | ||
| I can operate high. | ||
| Were you married doing Fear Factor? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you ever hook up with a contestant? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, that's not a smart move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not smart, but we both just agree that we do dumb things sometimes. | ||
| What's the dumbest shit that you've ever done because of your dick? | ||
| Oh, is this a bad question? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The dumbest shit I've ever done? | ||
| You just look down at your dick and you go, how dare you? | ||
| What the fuck did you do to me, man? | ||
| Get me in this fucking position. | ||
| It's definitely... | ||
| I mean, the girl in Vegas, that wasn't a good decision, but I was just like... | ||
| That doesn't seem like the worst decision. | ||
| The worst thing happened is she wanted to come and she didn't come. | ||
| But she is... | ||
| Now I just... | ||
| I don't like when I end up where I'm like, oh, this chick is just here for the story. | ||
| You know? | ||
| When I was in San Jose... | ||
| I was... | ||
| I brought this girl back. | ||
| I brought her a couple friends back. | ||
| Her friend... | ||
| The dude leaves. | ||
| Her friend crashes on the couch... | ||
| It's sweet. | ||
| The girl comes into the room with me and it happens and then I wake up. | ||
| I look over. | ||
| She kinda fucking with her phone or something. | ||
| And I'm like, I have my instinct here. | ||
| I'm like, let me see your phone. | ||
| And then I scroll through the pictures and she had taken selfies with me sleeping in the background. | ||
| And then I scrolled through some more. | ||
| She had posted a Snapchat the night before, hanging out in Hannibal Buress' room. | ||
| My face wasn't in the sleeping picture, but that would have been the implication if you were following her story. | ||
| See, I don't have a Snapchat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But these pictures were just on the camera log on her. | ||
| Like, these are the camera. | ||
| I wasn't on her. | ||
| But that's, like, if you do a Snapchat, I guess you could save the image that you put on Snapchat. | ||
| You could save it to your phone. | ||
| And so I deleted all that shit, and I was just like, get out of here. | ||
| What did she say? | ||
| She knew she was out. | ||
| What the fuck else you gonna say? | ||
| She was like, I just was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you're so nice and I really like you. | |
| I mean, she was young and goofy, but it was just... | ||
| I'm like, what am I doing? | ||
| These fucking goof nuggers. | ||
| But I don't also... | ||
| But I also don't want to date a famous chick and then have everybody in my business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That doesn't seem like a good move. | ||
| See, but you know the problem with that too is like a famous person is not more attractive to a guy. | ||
| If you meet a hot girl and she's just interesting and cool and she's not famous, or you meet a hot girl who's interesting and cool and is famous, one's not better than the other. | ||
| As a matter of fact, the famous one carries a lot of baggage. | ||
| Whereas for a girl, I think she meets a guy like you, like, oh, he's funny and he's smart and he's famous. | ||
| He's famous. | ||
| The fame means something to them. | ||
| Fame doesn't necessarily mean things to most guys. | ||
| I think it means something to some guys. | ||
| Just because if you watch TV or you see a girl in a magazine or you see her in a video, or if you just saw a bunch of dope-ass Instagram pictures, you're like, yo... | ||
| Is that attainable? | ||
| I would like to. | ||
| Is that attainable? | ||
| Because, you know, I heard stories about old school movie stars or whatever. | ||
| In the 80s, they just flipped through a magazine like, her, go get her for me. | ||
| And that's how they would pull, like, that was their Tinder. | ||
| I'm sure, right? | ||
| Just flipping through a magazine like, who is that? | ||
| Go find her. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| Like Maxim? | ||
| I definitely think those models, there's something to that for... | ||
| For some guys, it's an excitement to that. | ||
| Yeah, but if they saw that girl at a club, they'd be just as excited about her. | ||
| Yeah, without knowing about, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But maybe, you know, I mean, I've seen, you know, some that, like, man, I like that, I like that song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right, if someone's talented. | ||
| But then I do feel, it feels iffy. | ||
| It feels just weird sometimes. | ||
| Well, there's that whole world of, you know, you get in that red carpet world. | ||
| You get in that world of they follow your relationship because you put your relationship out there and all your photos. | ||
| I never did. | ||
| Even when, even in 2008 to 2000, when I had a girlfriend, Like, I didn't even put in a relationship on Facebook. | ||
| It wasn't to, like, mess around with other girls. | ||
| It was just because I didn't feel like strangers, you know, because I had some Facebooks. | ||
| I didn't feel like strangers should know who my girlfriend is. | ||
| Unless you see me out and about. | ||
| But you shouldn't just be able to go on my Facebook page and be like, oh, he's dating her. | ||
| Oh, look at them here. | ||
| Well, for the majority of people, it would be no problem at all. | ||
| But it's just a few creepers that it would be a problem. | ||
| It can happen. | ||
| The whole world is very strange when it comes to that shit. | ||
| Social media is a totally new landscape that our parents didn't have to deal with, their parents didn't have to deal with. | ||
| Nobody had to deal with it until this generation. | ||
| This is the first generation ever that's put their whole life out there. | ||
| I have friends who put their fucking kids, they put their kids' pictures all over the internet and everything like that. | ||
| I'm like, okay, I guess you could do that, but it seems like... | ||
| Did you ask the kids? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| All these fucking weirdos are going to know what your kids look like. | ||
| Yeah, that is weird. | ||
| I mean, with some people, that's how you get, you know, I mean, I guess you could make it private, but that's how you share it with family members that you just put it on Facebook and you share it with them. | ||
| There's also some people like to put that image out there. | ||
| That was one of the things that Phil Hartman and I talked about when he was trying to break up with his wife. | ||
| He was like, I think that if I got divorced, I wouldn't get the same movies. | ||
| And I said, why? | ||
| He goes, because my image is the family man. | ||
| Those are the movies I get. | ||
| I need my wife and my kids and all that stuff that's a part of what I'm selling. | ||
| And I was like, wow, I never even thought of that. | ||
| Because I was young and single, and I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I guess. | ||
| But some people look at it that way. | ||
| They want to sell a package. | ||
| Like, hey, look at me. | ||
| I'm a good guy. | ||
| Hey, here I am at my kid's birthday party. | ||
| Look, I'm holding a baby. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Comedians. | ||
| We're known to be degenerates. | ||
| You know? | ||
| We're known to be dirty people. | ||
| So much so that when somebody's not, they're like, holy shit, we like this guy. | ||
| Gaffigan, come do stand-up before the Pope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just going to say Gaffigan! | |
| I was just gonna say Gaffigan. | ||
| Brian Regan, where are you? | ||
| Brian Regan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come perform before the Pope. | ||
| Yeah, Gaffigan perform in front of the Pope. | ||
| You know who was most fucked up about that? | ||
| He was on the Colbert show. | ||
| Okay, Colbert, if you don't know, is a Catholic, like a serious Catholic. | ||
| And he's on the Colbert show with Maria Shriver. | ||
| And they're talking about how great it is to be a Catholic. | ||
| And they're on there, and I'm like, is this real life? | ||
| You guys are talking about a cult. | ||
| You're in an ancient cult of kid fuckers, and you're going to go see the head kid fucker. | ||
| He's the king of the kid fuckers, and you guys are pretending that this is all fun. | ||
| This is all great stuff. | ||
| Being a Catholic is wonderful. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| There's such a great tradition and history to it. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I was raised Catholic. | ||
| I went to Catholic school when I was a little kid. | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| To put my kids through that as an adult, to be an adult and somehow or another promote that, it's madness. | ||
| That is madness. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, yeah, I'm not a religious person. | ||
| At all. | ||
| I don't need it. | ||
| I think, you know, it's cool when they give people food and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, churches, I think, are great. | ||
| They do some good things when they donate. | ||
| I think churches are great. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I think churches are great in communities. | ||
| I think it's a good thing where people get together and just be nice to each other on Sundays. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Regardless of... | ||
| The songs are good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of good to that. | ||
| But Catholicism, man, as a religion, like... | ||
| Growing up in it and seeing all the damage that it does and the guilt, all the fucking guilt and weirdness that came to it. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Catholic school was horrible. | ||
| Horrible shit, man. | ||
| Did you go to Catholic high school? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Just up to eighth grade? | ||
| No, when I was early. | ||
| I only went to first grade. | ||
| Damn, it stuck with you that much? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| This woman, her name was Sister Mary Josephine. | ||
| This fucking cunt. | ||
| She was a monster. | ||
| She was just the meanest lady. | ||
| First of all, I didn't go to kindergarten, so that was my first time in school at all. | ||
| First grade was the first time in school. | ||
| You know why she was mean, Joe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because she wasn't getting no dick, man! | ||
| Catholic ladies don't be fucking at all. | ||
| They're angry. | ||
| Definitely that. | ||
| The nuns don't be fucking. | ||
| They need to fuck and then they'll loosen up a little bit, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the dudes, what are they doing? | ||
| That's why they fuck kids. | ||
| They're all bent up and fucking tightened up. | ||
| We had a kid in my high school that became a priest. | ||
| He was gay as fuck. | ||
| Everybody knew he was gay. | ||
| We knew he was gay and he was going to become a priest. | ||
| And I remember thinking, this is so bizarre. | ||
| This guy is avoiding pussy by becoming a priest. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, hey, Billy, when are you going to have a girlfriend? | ||
| Oh, the Lord's got me. | ||
| I'm all wrapped up in the Lord. | ||
| And he became a Catholic priest. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if he ever went... | ||
| I mean, I didn't talk to him after high school, but I assume he went with it. | ||
| But that was the whole thing. | ||
| He was going to be a father. | ||
| Billy was going to be a father. | ||
| Father Billy. | ||
| Oh, there he goes. | ||
| The fact that they think that there needs to be new people to teach religion. | ||
| Like, oh, we need new people. | ||
| Like, no, why don't you just... | ||
| Do you need somebody else to say this shit? | ||
| It's been being said. | ||
| It's nothing new to be added to it. | ||
| Well, it's an organization. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's an organization that needs members to grow. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a spooky organization. | ||
| The amount of, like, one of the things that happened when Ratzinger was the Pope, the last guy who stepped down, one of the reasons why he stepped down, it was revealed that that guy had relocated child molesters, and one of them that he relocated wound up molesting a hundred deaf kids. | ||
| A hundred deaf kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yikes. | |
| This guy, they relocated him to some new place, and Rat said they knew he was a pedophile. | ||
| I mean, it's not a new thing. | ||
| I mean, pedophilia in the Catholic Church is fucking bananas. | ||
| It's so rampant. | ||
| I mean, if you had that many pedophiles, say, like, in NASCAR, how long would it take for they shut down NASCAR? They'd be like, NASCAR is a fucking crazy pedophile ring. | ||
| But because it's... | ||
| The Lord! | ||
| The Lord's attached to all this kid fucking that somehow or another that guy's not in jail They just moved that guy to some new place and you know now you don't see him anymore, but he He can't he was one of those guys. | ||
| They were trying to cry. | ||
| They were trying to try him for crimes against humanity There was all these these people that were that were petitioning while he was the Pope to get him tried and And then he had to step down. | ||
| This new guy stepped in. | ||
| This new guy seems pretty cool. | ||
| It's like as far as Popes go. | ||
| He got rid of the throne. | ||
| Got a pretty decent normal chair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that should change everything. | ||
| He doesn't ride around the Popemobile? | ||
| What does he ride around in? | ||
| A Fiat. | ||
| A Fiat? | ||
| So if they shoot me, they shoot me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When was the last time they went after the Pope? | ||
| Right before they built the Popemobile. | ||
| Somebody shot the Pope. | ||
| I mean, people have shot the Pope before. | ||
| Look, you know who's going to shoot the Pope? | ||
| Someone who got fucked by a priest. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| And you're talking about thousands of people. | ||
| It is a bananas religion if you really stop and think about how many people have been molested by priests. | ||
| When I was a kid, I would hear about it when I was in Catholic school. | ||
| I would hear about it in hushed tones amongst relatives and people that the father did something to them and it was this and stay away from Father O'Malley and stay away from this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yikes. | |
| Yeah, I had a friend of mine who had to stay over during high school for like a track and field thing, and they made them stay at the church because he was in Catholic school, and he's like, I'm literally fighting this old guy off of me. | ||
| He goes, I'm 16 years old. | ||
| This guy's reaching his hand in my pants. | ||
| He's grabbing my dick. | ||
| He was drunk with wine. | ||
| He's like, I'm fighting this old child molester off me. | ||
| How old was this guy? | ||
| He was like... | ||
| The old guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, he's old. | ||
| But my friend was like 15? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, high school? | ||
| 14, 15? | ||
| We had to beat the shit out of an old guy. | ||
| Like, really. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Maybe the old guy's got skills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Been doing it for years. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| He knows how to molest kids. | ||
| He's got moves to use. | ||
| He's fucked up. | ||
| I mean, they must have moves, right? | ||
| Like, you have moves with girls. | ||
| Everybody has moves, right? | ||
| I don't really have moves. | ||
| Well, your move is, hey, I'm Hannibal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| I don't say that, but I was like, hey, what's up? | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| You want a drink? | ||
| All right, second location. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Let's go back. | ||
| Oh, you take them to a second location to show commitment. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| Yeah, you get them in a different environment. | ||
| Oh, this place is great, right? | ||
| All right, now let's go. | ||
| Yeah, you got to move around. | ||
| Yeah, move around. | ||
| That makes things more active. | ||
| It's a full night, a full evening. | ||
| Like dinner and a movie, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go to dinner and you go to a movie. | ||
| You got a lot of shit happening. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ba-da-ba! | |
| It's a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I mean, young guys that are trying to get laid. | ||
| I mean, that's why people wear nice clothes. | ||
| That's why people wear, you know, jewelry. | ||
| They drive a nice car. | ||
| Why do they do that? | ||
| Because they want a show. | ||
| Like, hey, look at me. | ||
| I'm something special. | ||
| Maybe a few good jokes they tell. | ||
| Maybe they're, you know, they're just a smooth talker. | ||
| It would feel weird to be able to fuck because of my car. | ||
| I don't have a car. | ||
| I don't own a car. | ||
| But it would feel weird. | ||
| I think that would feel more weird than fucking because of fame. | ||
| Like, off of a car. | ||
| Like, look at this shit. | ||
| Get in. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Well, you have to, especially in LA, you have to really come correct. | ||
| I mean, you gotta come with some strong fucking automobile if you want to fuck for your car. | ||
| There's so many nice cars out here. | ||
| You gotta have, like, a Bugatti. | ||
| We gotta have some shit that's a house. | ||
| It's a house on wheels. | ||
| You can't have an Uber sticker on that shit, no matter how nice it is. | ||
| Do they have stickers on Ubers? | ||
| Stickers or cards, they have a U. Well, if you have a Bugatti and you have an Uber, you could say it's a goof. | ||
| I like to pick people up, just freak them out. | ||
| There's some nice Ubers out there. | ||
| They got like... | ||
| S500s, Benzes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Trying to make those payments. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you have an S500 and you say, all right, look, I like a nice car, but I can't afford it. | ||
| But if I just work two nights a week for Uber, that would be my car payment. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can see it. | ||
| I can see it. | ||
| I've heard about... | ||
| Yeah, I've heard a lot about just Uber drivers pushing hard. | ||
| All levels of cars, but... | ||
| Definitely going in hard on women. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Not in a... | ||
| I mean, there's obviously been a couple stories of, you know, things happening. | ||
| But definitely just them like, yo, what's up? | ||
| Just really going in. | ||
| That's one thing I liked about being in Japan is that taxi drivers don't say shit to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Uber drivers talk too much. | ||
| Uber drivers talk to... | ||
| I mean, taxi drivers too. | ||
| But Uber drivers are way worse. | ||
| Uber drivers, it's like, bro, I just want... | ||
| When I was in Chicago, I was heading from my hotel. | ||
| My hotel was downtown. | ||
| Heading to O'Hare. | ||
| It was about 40 minutes. | ||
| Early in the morning, a little bit hungover. | ||
| I hopped into Uber. | ||
| It's a comic that I sort of knew maybe 10 years back in Chicago, driving a Uber. | ||
| And he starts, like, pitching me and shit. | ||
| And I hadn't seen him in years. | ||
| We weren't that close when I was in Chicago. | ||
| I got these ideas, man. | ||
| Can you link me with Stephen Merchant? | ||
| Who's Stephen Merchant? | ||
| Steven Merchant is the tall guy from The Office. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That was in the original, in Extras. | ||
| He's Ricky Gervais, worked with Ricky Gervais. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So he's just like, I'll ask him just, I hadn't seen this dude in 11 years or some shit, and now I'm like hostage on the way to the airport for 40 minutes sake. | ||
| Did he know that it was gonna be you or is it just totally random? | ||
| He didn't know it was going to be me because I have a fake name on Uber. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| It was totally random. | ||
| It was like, oh, what's up? | ||
| I don't recognize him. | ||
| But it was just like, oh, I'm getting pitched right now at like 6 in the morning. | ||
| Oh, and you're tired. | ||
| On a 40-minute ride. | ||
| You can't tell him to shut the fuck up. | ||
| You cannot. | ||
| He's just like, yeah, man, sounds like a... | ||
| Real cool idea, man. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's why I stopped using car services to take me to the airport because I just didn't want to talk to anybody. | ||
| I'd rather just listen to podcasts and just chill, drive myself. | ||
| And then when I get to, like, when I do clubs or colleges or whatever, or colleges. | ||
| Never do colleges. | ||
| When I do theaters or whatever, I just rent a car. | ||
| I like that better, man. | ||
| I mean, most of the time, you run into cool drivers. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| But the problem is, if you don't, it's a pain in the ass. | ||
| Like, if you run into one dude who just talks too much... | ||
| It does take your... | ||
| It takes your mental energy. | ||
| Like, it's really... | ||
| I mean, it's a bit of an exaggeration to say it like this, but it's like, for 15 minutes, somebody can kind of... | ||
| Steal your soul a little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Me and Tony Hinchcliffe were in the car once, and this fucking dude just joined in on our conversation. | ||
| Like, we're talking about some important shit. | ||
| You know, and Tony's asking me some questions, he's asking me for advice, and I'm like, well, I think, and the guy's like, what you should do is, well, you gotta tell her to blah blah blah. | ||
| Are you talking about a girl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, ho, ho, ho, the fuck on, dude. | |
| You're not even supposed to be here. | ||
| Like, you're just in... | ||
| You're here, but you're not supposed to be in this conversation. | ||
| This is a conversation. | ||
| This is my friend. | ||
| He's asking me advice. | ||
| You don't even know him. | ||
| And so the whole rest of the day was just bizarre because this dude was driving us around and just chimed in no matter what we talked about. | ||
| Looking at you in the rear view. | ||
| I'm like, dude, eyes on the road, motherfucker! | ||
| That thing is to see cars behind us. | ||
| It's not to have conversations. | ||
| When a guy's driving and he's looking at you in the rear view mirror, that motherfucker's holding your attention hostage. | ||
| Because anything can happen now. | ||
| Because he's not necessarily paying attention to the road. | ||
| And you're like, oh, Jesus Christ, what is this guy playing? | ||
| He might as well be texting right now. | ||
| He's looking at the rear view mirror. | ||
| Once I got in the car... | ||
| No lie. | ||
| This dude, he had either his phone, a bigger phone, or a tablet in the middle, and he was watching some type of Scientology YouTube video here in LA. While he was driving? | ||
| He was driving and kept on glancing at it, and I said, hey man, turn that off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| Yeah, because he was for real like looking down at the video. | ||
| He was like, sorry about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just... | |
| Yeah, I get that you have a lot of downtime, but now is not one of those times. | ||
| Stop looking down at this. | ||
| And he had... | ||
| Also, he had that shit in the speakers. | ||
| That's what made it worse. | ||
| Like this weird-ass YouTube and then Scientology is the... | ||
| What the fuck are you? | ||
| Who are you, man? | ||
| I had this dude... | ||
| That was texting the entire time. | ||
| He picked me up at the airport, and he was taking me somewhere. | ||
| And the entire time, he's on his phone. | ||
| He's got his phone in his lap. | ||
| And he's driving, and he's just doing this. | ||
| Looking down. | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| Looking up. | ||
| Looking down. | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| It was a fucking perilous, terror-filled ride. | ||
| Because we're on the highway, and this guy... | ||
| And I'm like, hey man, you're making me nervous. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Everything, no problem. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| I'll stop right now. | ||
| And then a couple seconds later, he gets another text in. | ||
| I've just got to answer this. | ||
| Look it down, look it up, look it down, look it up, look it down, look it up. | ||
| When you're looking down, your fucking car is traveling like 100 feet, 200 feet, 300 feet. | ||
| Anything can happen during that time you're not looking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A dude could fuck up and come in your lane. | ||
| Some shit could be on the road that you didn't see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stinks. | |
| Stinks. | ||
| Can't wait for rental. | ||
| In a few years, it's gonna be rental self-driving cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they already have that with Mercedes. | ||
| You know Mercedes has a self-driving car now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get in the fucking car, the S-classes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get on the highway, you press the navigation system, and you fucking get your hands off the steering wheel, and you sit back. | ||
| And that motherfucker drives itself. | ||
| It slows down. | ||
| It turns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But does Avis have that shit yet? | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| I want to be able to go to Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| That's going to happen. | ||
| I'd like to upgrade to the self-driving Mercedes. | ||
| That's definitely going to happen. | ||
| Well, when that happens, it's going to be more boring but more safe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if you'll be able to take it out of self-driving mode, but then you'll have self-driving cars and then assholes slamming into self-driving cars. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That'll be a problem. | ||
| It's going to get weird in the next five years. | ||
| Weird as fuck. | ||
| It's already weird. | ||
| Stuff is going to get really weird. | ||
| You want to see weird? | ||
| Go to Brody Stevens' Periscope. | ||
| All day long, he periscopes. | ||
| He periscopes everything he does. | ||
| He periscopes his drive to the comedy store. | ||
| He periscopes at the comedy store. | ||
| He got arrested last night for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brody got arrested? | |
| He was pulled over and the cops pulled up behind him and detained him, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He was in a spot where a robbery was... | ||
| Uh, reported, I guess. | ||
| It wasn't him. | ||
| Oh, so he didn't get arrested for periscope. | ||
| It just, at the same time, he was periscoping. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| They don't know, obviously. | ||
| They don't know he's Brody motherfucking Stevens. | ||
| I'm gonna step out real quick. | ||
| Oh, you gotta pee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How dare you. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty funny. | ||
| He, uh, he's sitting there talking to the two, just like a normal periscope that he does, and, uh, you see the lights come up behind him. | ||
| He's like, oh, oh, uh-oh. | ||
| And he came back up late, like an hour later, with a new periscope saying, like, what happened. | ||
| Yeah, every time I run into him at the comedy store, he's on Periscope. | ||
| I've been in like five of his Periscopes just saying hi to him. | ||
| He walks in with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| He walks in Periscoping. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a fucking character, man. | ||
| He's such a character. | ||
| But he's one of those guys that's embraced that aspect of social media at a ridiculous level. | ||
| Like, he literally will periscope his whole life. | ||
| Brian was doing it a lot for a while, but he's kind of abandoned it. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| He still does it some. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't do it at all anymore. | ||
| I haven't periscoped in like a year. | ||
| It's taken off a little bit more because it's on apps now for TVs. | ||
| Like, the Apple TV, it's built in there. | ||
| I saw something else had it built into it, too. | ||
| So you can watch it on a big screen. | ||
| Without having to have it just on your phone and having to choose what you watch and they're giving you things to look at now too. | ||
| Dude, I'm super suspicious about Apple TV now. | ||
| Because my Apple TV used to work great until the new Apple TV came out and now my Apple TV fucks up all the time. | ||
| It kicks me off and reboots. | ||
| It stops shows and goes right back to the main menu. | ||
| And then I'm suspicious about... | ||
| You want another beer? | ||
| I'm suspicious about the... | ||
| There's a class-action lawsuit that someone filed about the old phones. | ||
| They said that the old phones stopped working when the new operating system would come out because the new operating system is designed for the new phones, and they had made it so that the old phones were slow. | ||
| I wonder if... | ||
| I wonder if they would actually do that to... | ||
| Brian thinks so. | ||
| Brian's convinced. | ||
| It could also be a matter of just, like, they're making so much great new software that the old processors and whatnot just aren't made to use it. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not fun to think like that. | ||
| It's not acceptable, I guess. | ||
| It's not fun to think like that. | ||
| That's not the way they sell it either, though. | ||
| They sell it as though you should be able to use it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you should be able to have an iPhone 4 and fucking keep the old operating system and be good. | ||
| It used to work good. | ||
| Why does it work good anymore? | ||
| I don't want to fucking play games on it. | ||
| I want to watch videos. | ||
| I just want to... | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Right? | ||
| You need an actual opener. | ||
| They just announced their first time for the, I think ever, the sales on iPhones are down. | ||
| What? | ||
| I wonder why. | ||
| Because everybody has one. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| It's because everybody's switching to Samsung. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Are you switching to Samsung? | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
| Those new Samsungs are pretty fucking slick. | ||
| They are very slick. | ||
| The new ones are about as good. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| The new ones are about as good as an iPhone. | ||
| I mean, just as good with some features that iPhones don't have. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm being a shill. | ||
| I just did a Samsung commercial. | ||
| No, they're great. | ||
| Samsung's great, man. | ||
| I have a Samsung. | ||
| I got one of those Galaxies. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, the phone that we use for this podcast. | ||
| They're good. | ||
| You got one right there. | ||
| Look at you, fella. | ||
| You're not fucking around. | ||
| But do you miss, like, certain apps that are only iPhone native? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| All right. | ||
| I would. | ||
| I would. | ||
| Like, the Instagram for Android's bullshit. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| It's bullshit Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks. | ||
| You gotta update. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| The new one's better? | ||
| They fixed it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| The old one was dog shit. | ||
| Don't get defensive. | ||
| I'm not defensive at all. | ||
| I just started. | ||
| I'm having a good time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| I really didn't. | ||
| I wasn't defensive at all. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're live on the internet right now? | ||
| That camera's on? | ||
| That camera is live on the internet right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What's up, everybody? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It's been two years, man. | ||
| I know, it's kind of crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we got to do more shit together, man. | ||
| I really enjoy your company. | ||
| It's a fun time. | ||
| It's been good. | ||
| I'm enjoying it. | ||
| I got more stories. | ||
| More crazy stories. | ||
| Got any more you'd like to share with people before we wrap this up? | ||
| What's a crazy one that happened? | ||
| So I'm in Japan. | ||
| I went out there for a winter vacation. | ||
| Just for fucking around? | ||
| Yeah, a couple other comics went out there. | ||
| Eric Andre, Byron Bowers. | ||
| I love Byron. | ||
| Byron's a crazy person. | ||
| He's a great dude. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a good dude. | |
| He's a maniac. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fun guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a couple other comics. | ||
| Jay Catapretta, Nick Rutherford, Doug Pound, and a couple other people. | ||
| They took a trip out to Japan. | ||
| I popped out there. | ||
| Got out there January 3rd. | ||
| I was hanging out with this girl out there. | ||
| We go to this bar. | ||
| It's a nice bar in Japan called JBS. Jazz, Blues, Soul. | ||
| Also, a lot of the bars out there, the names of them in English are very on the nose. | ||
| It's a hip-hop club. | ||
| Alright, it's Club Harlem. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| Oh, the club that plays Soul. | ||
| Oh, let's call it Ebony. | ||
| Shit like really on the nose. | ||
| So we go to Jazz Blues. | ||
| So if you're ever in Tokyo, check it out. | ||
| It's a small bar. | ||
| I don't know the owner's name, but it's full of vinyl records and you can just request. | ||
| He has all types of vinyl records. | ||
| Is it a lot of Japanese people there or Americans? | ||
| It was some Japanese people, but it was in Tokyo at this bar. | ||
| In Tokyo. | ||
| In Tokyo, it's some, but you don't see a lot. | ||
| But the bar? | ||
| But the bar itself, it only holds 10, 15. It's a small spot. | ||
| 10 or 15 people? | ||
| If that. | ||
| Yeah, packed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| 10, 15. It'll be packed with 20-something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it's this room? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's this room? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It's smaller than this room. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So it's a nice little intimate spot. | ||
| Jamie, let's start a bar. | ||
| We can have a bar. | ||
| They also have this area called the Golden Guy, which is an area full of small bars that only hold four or five people, that are smaller than that place, like super small places. | ||
| So I'm at this bar. | ||
| The guy just knows the collection. | ||
| It's a wall full of vinyl, and then there's some behind the bar also. | ||
| So I was just like, what'd you want to hear? | ||
| I said, uh... | ||
| Stevie won the songs of the Key of Life. | ||
| And he just walks right up to the spot. | ||
| I mean, it's obviously Stevie, but he just walks up to a bunch of records. | ||
| He didn't even flip through none or nothing. | ||
| He just knew exactly what it was. | ||
| He just went, boop, grabbed it, put it on there. | ||
| So we're hanging out. | ||
| And it was just, I'm with a girl that was half Japanese, half white, but she knew Japanese and English. | ||
| And she saw a friend there, so they started talking in Japanese. | ||
| There's this white chick there that's super drunk, like blush on her eyes, is all fucked up and weird. | ||
| Like she had that stereotypical, like she looks central casting drunk, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like she was going to an audition to be a drunk lady right after she was at the bar. | ||
| So they start talking in Japanese. | ||
| She talked to me a little bit. | ||
| I found out she lives in the same neighborhood that I do, Williamsburg, Brooklyn. | ||
| They start talking in Japanese. | ||
| She's like, you know what they're saying? | ||
| I'm like, nah, she's just being played. | ||
| And then she says, is this your wife? | ||
| I said, no, that's not my wife. | ||
| She said, is that your wife? | ||
| I said, no, it's not my wife. | ||
| She's like, it's not your wife? | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Why'd you just ask me the same thing three times in a row? | ||
| Because she just asked me. | ||
| I guess she was that faded. | ||
| Her face turns. | ||
| And I just see her getting upset. | ||
| She starts flipping out like, fuck! | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You don't have to be disrespectful. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| He thinks because he's with a Japanese girl. | ||
| He's well-started. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think you're some cool comedian. | |
| So then it revealed that she knew. | ||
| I didn't tell her who I was. | ||
| I didn't say my job or anything to her. | ||
| So she knew me, but she didn't show the... | ||
| So now she is in a different... | ||
| She's just super upset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| You came all the way over here. | ||
| You're doing... | ||
| And then she started getting raised. | ||
| She's like, he's a monkey. | ||
| He's a monkey. | ||
| I'm like, yo, this is great. | ||
| Am I being called a monkey by a white woman from Williamsburg in Tokyo right now? | ||
| What the fuck is happening? | ||
| Wow, you should take pictures of her, put it up all around Williamsburg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen this dummy? | |
| I should have. | ||
| I thought about starting to film her, but it was just so weird that she, for real, all I did objectively, I wasn't that fake, so I'd have a clear recall of the situation. | ||
| I only just said... | ||
| You just asked me if this is my wife three times. | ||
| I told you no the first two times. | ||
| She just went off tilt. | ||
| It was one of the weirdest things. | ||
| Well, there's a weird thing that happens sometimes when someone's famous like you and they're not, where they feel like it's possible that you think you're cool because you're famous, like you think you're better than them. | ||
| So they look for any little thing, any little thing. | ||
| Oh, you think you're too good? | ||
| They're looking for that thing. | ||
| You think you're too good to listen to me repeat myself? | ||
| I've listened to it, but I'll tell you that you're doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so weird, man. | |
| Alcoholism. | ||
| When someone's that blasted, who knows what's going on in their mind. | ||
| She definitely was... | ||
| I could tell she was... | ||
| Because when she started getting raised, it didn't affect me, but I could tell she was... | ||
| I accidentally hurt her feelings, but she was trying to hurt you. | ||
| She was trying to hurt me. | ||
| And I could see she was almost on the verge of tears when all I said was, stop saying the same thing over and over. | ||
| Which I would say to anybody, if I said that to one of my buddies, they'd be like, oh shit, I'm fucked up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right, but if you don't know someone and you say that to them, especially if they're dumb and no one calls them out on their stupidity, it can be devastating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, sometimes people do have that sort of thing, though, when they meet you, like, that's that guy from TV. I've seen him on Comedy Central. | ||
| That's Hannibal. | ||
| I just want to go over and talk to him. | ||
| Hey, how you doing? | ||
| We were talking, and it was fine, but when she got into repetitive mode, it was just weird. | ||
| She couldn't handle you checking her. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Checked her too hard. | ||
| Well, it was a soft check. | ||
| It was light work, man. | ||
| Light work! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Light work! | |
| But I do find that sometimes where even... | ||
| I'll joke around with people too harsh. | ||
| It's like a fighter... | ||
| You know sparring with something like it's not the same like you can't act the same when you can but if people don't know you Then it's just it could they can be kind of taken aback and throw it off because it's like oh this dude's an asshole It's like no that's just how I talk with people Well, also, you're a New York comic, or you're a comic that lives in New York. | ||
| And New York, in particular, is a fun place to be a comic. | ||
| Fun place to interact with other comics. | ||
| But, like, people are fucking ruthless to each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But for fun. | ||
| Like, what did I just tell you, bitch? | ||
| And you would start, ah! | ||
| We would laugh. | ||
| But if you said that to someone in real life that's, like, super sensitive, like, what did I just tell you, bitch? | ||
| They'd be like, you don't have to call me bitch, man. | ||
| What kind of a fucking piece of shit are you, man? | ||
| You think just because you're on Comedy Central you can call me bitch? | ||
| Yeah, like even comics at the cellar or Keith Robertson and a couple other people, like, hey, what's up, stupid? | ||
| And then stupid over here says this, and that's how you talk about it. | ||
| It's just like, oh, this idiot. | ||
| Like, hey, stupid, you got a set tonight? | ||
| Stupid? | ||
| You just send that in a text, and it's just, no, it's done with love, you know? | ||
| Yeah, it's done with love, and that's something maybe we understand that other people don't. | ||
| I did a theater in Miami, and Wanda, Wanda Sykes, and Keith Robinson were doing the early show, and I was doing the late show. | ||
| Fillmore? | ||
| I think it might have been the Fillmore. | ||
| I don't remember what theater it was. | ||
| But anyway, when I got there, I said bye to them. | ||
| They were leaving. | ||
| And then I got to my dressing room, and there was two napkins that they left. | ||
| Wanda left a napkin. | ||
| I hope you have a great show, Joe. | ||
| You know, kill them, Wanda. | ||
| And then Keith Robinson wrote, I hope you bomb harder than you ever have in your life, your friend Keith. | ||
| I saved it, and I took a picture of it, and I put it online. | ||
| To me, it was funny. | ||
| But if someone's fucking real sensitive, and they see something like that, they'd be like, well, what the fuck, Keith? | ||
| I haven't seen you in 10 years, man. | ||
| This is the shit you leave me? | ||
| But it was warm. | ||
| For me, I felt good that he took the time to do that. | ||
| It felt good to me. | ||
| But he's great at that. | ||
| But that's that whole New York style of comedy. | ||
| It's a very different style than LA comics. | ||
| LA comics is not that sort of... | ||
| There's only a handful that I know well that I'm close with like that. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| It is different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, New York's a harsher environment. | ||
| I did have a situation where somebody joked with me. | ||
| It was a very specific situation where somebody joked with me, and I haven't talked to that person for five years because of that joke. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| You don't have to say their name, but what'd they say? | ||
| No, I won't say their name. | ||
| When I was in South Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina, 2011? | ||
| 2010, 2011. The day before my birthday, a few years ago, I was out there doing some shows with Aziz, and I was hanging out at bars, hanging out with a couple girls, hop in the car with them to go back to wherever the fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then... | |
| Wake up in a stretcher. | ||
| We got in a car accident and shit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is where I got this scar from. | ||
| So I had my skull fractured. | ||
| I had a few stitches right here. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's like the day before my birthday. | ||
| The way it was my birthday. | ||
| You woke up on a stretcher. | ||
| I woke up. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't remember like... | ||
| Or I don't remember... | ||
| I just woke up... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| ...in the hospital. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| So, uh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| So I'm in the hospital. | ||
| I tweeted out a photo of my fucked up ass face. | ||
| And to go back, a few years ago, it was a comic friend of mine. | ||
| I got tickets to see the Clippers or the Lakers. | ||
| And I invited him. | ||
| I picked him up in my rental car out here. | ||
| And I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. | ||
| And he was like, uh, you're not going to wear your seatbelt? | ||
| And we have back and forth. | ||
| I was like, nah, I'm not wearing my seatbelt. | ||
| Sometimes I don't wear my seatbelt, whatever. | ||
| And so I'm laid up. | ||
| After I posted this, I'm laid up in the hospital with my skull fractured. | ||
| And then this motherfucker, I hadn't even been talking to him that much around this time. | ||
| And I get a text, bet you're going to wear your seatbelt now. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| But I didn't think that was the right time. | ||
| My skull was fractured and I hadn't heard of him in months. | ||
| But I don't think he meant... | ||
| I don't think he meant it maliciously, but I think it was a bit tone deaf. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Depends on who it is. | ||
| Like, if it was a good friend. | ||
| Like, if I got in a car accident and, like, Ari, Ari Shafir, if he did that, I would laugh. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because he's such a close friend that he can't really do anything... | ||
| That would hurt me. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I think it was based off of... | ||
| He was holding on to this seatbelt argument from a couple years ago. | ||
| Oh, so you guys had like a real disagreement? | ||
| I don't think it was a real... | ||
| It might have been real on it, but it was just me being more like, ah, fuck a seatbelt. | ||
| You must not have liked that dude. | ||
| Because if you really liked him, you'd laugh. | ||
| Like if it was Keith Robinson, wouldn't you laugh? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That's like his style. | ||
| Like, that's something he'd say. | ||
| Bet you wear your seatbelt now, dummy. | ||
| Like, he would say... | ||
| You'd probably laugh if you saw that. | ||
| Man, it depends on how bad you're hurt, too. | ||
| When you're hurt, you're not feeling any jokes. | ||
| Your fucking head's pounding. | ||
| You got a fractured skull. | ||
| I'm in the hospital. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fractured skull. | ||
| Doped up. | ||
| It's my birthday now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't like that joke. | ||
| I was talking about it with a mutual friend, and I think I might try to bury the hatchet soon. | ||
| Five years later. | ||
| Hey man, listen, it takes some time. | ||
| It does. | ||
| I'm a stubborn person. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| Well, I understand. | ||
| Certain people can joke with you. | ||
| Like, someone maybe will hear you and Keith or someone like that joke around like that, and then they'll see you at a club, and they'll say some stupid shit to you, and they'll think it's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they think they can get away with things like that, but they're not in with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know? | ||
| So it's like, hey, man, fucking settle down. | ||
| I think it was because I hadn't even talked with that person for months and months, and it didn't even lead with a, you good, man? | ||
| Then the joke, it was just out of nowhere, the joke, and the last text was like six months prior. | ||
| Do you think that person is funny? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Real funny? | ||
| I think they're talented, yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't like them as a person, maybe? | ||
| Annoying? | ||
| Slightly? | ||
| I haven't hung with them in years. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's time and a place for everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Laid up in the hospital is different. | ||
| It really depends on who it is, man. | ||
| It just depends on some... | ||
| That's one of those fine lines where the right person can send you that and you'll be laughing your ass off. | ||
| But the wrong person can send you that and you'll be like, fuck this dude. | ||
| I'm not talking to this guy anymore. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| You think anybody sending you that, you'd be upset? | ||
| Like if Byron Bauer sent you that, you'd be upset? | ||
| I think in that situation, I'd be upset. | ||
| Maybe afterwards, talking shit. | ||
| Maybe talking, I guess, context. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I talked one time about... | ||
| One time I got a tweet. | ||
| I was like, I don't know why I checked my Twitter right before bed. | ||
| This one time, it was me and my girl. | ||
| We're about to crash out. | ||
| And I... I checked my Twitter, and it was like, hey, good show at the Comedy Cellar. | ||
| You got fat, though. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Right before I'm about to fucking fuck my girlfriend, I get... | ||
| You got fat. | ||
| If I was at the bar and I just happened to check, I was like, oh, you got fat. | ||
| I was like, ah, fuck off. | ||
| But right before bed, I'm like, oh, man, this is rough timing for that. | ||
| So I think it is timing and shit. | ||
| Timing is everything. | ||
| I don't think they meant it in malicious way, but that shit was like, really? | ||
| I'm drugged up in a hospital bed in South Carolina, of all places. | ||
| Oh, another detail that happened... | ||
| Because this is, it was coming into my 29th birthday, so I think it was 2012 or 2011. Anyways, so Aziz finds out, he comes to the hospital, and so he's there, and so there's nurses and shit, like, holy shit, Aziz, I'm sorry! | ||
| And he's like, can you chill out, my friend? | ||
| And people are like, can I take a picture with you? | ||
| I love your work. | ||
| It's like, you need to worry about this work right here, this TV show, the Hannibal Buress just got his shit smashed in show, where people, they were legitimately, Fanning out over Aziz over my hospital bed. | ||
| It was super unprofessional. | ||
| Yeah, that's not nice. | ||
| How fucked up were you? | ||
| Did they have you in one of those halos? | ||
| Did they have your head? | ||
| Not in a halo, but I was fucked up. | ||
| My forehead, I had a few stitches here. | ||
| Still got the scar from that. | ||
| Your skull was fractured? | ||
| Skull was fractured right here. | ||
| I think it was because I was wearing glasses and the glasses went into here. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How bad is a fracture? | ||
| Did they have to do anything? | ||
| No, it was just like a just let it heal on its own type of fracture. | ||
| They don't put a cast on your head? | ||
| Yeah, they can't put it. | ||
| Can they? | ||
| Probably if you want to pay for that. | ||
| We want to pay extra to give up an Iron Man cast. | ||
| So yeah, we had to push back production on... | ||
| I think that was going into first season of Eric Andre's show. | ||
| So we had to push back production because my face was all fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it was... | ||
| That's pretty gnarly, waking up on a stretcher. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's got to be a bizarre feeling. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Yeah, I don't remember. | ||
| Do you think about that when you get in cars now? | ||
| Like, when you get in cars, do you think... | ||
| I mean, that's a pretty significant... | ||
| I don't think, I don't really, it didn't, no, I don't think about, occasionally, but I don't think about it that much. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Who caused the accident? | ||
| I couldn't tell you, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I couldn't tell you. | ||
| I couldn't even, no, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Missing, just a missing chunk of time. | ||
| Just a missing chunk of time. | ||
| Fucking head injuries. | ||
| There's no, there's no fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's scary shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can bury the hatchet with your friend. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I've been growing up lately. | ||
| You're growing up? | ||
| Growing up, man. | ||
| Trying to be nicer, more positive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one thing about being more recognizable is that it gives me constant opportunities to work on my social skills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's funny. | ||
| So I'm like, oh, I fucked it up with that person. | ||
| That was weird. | ||
| So let me... | ||
| What did I learn? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Give people more energy. | ||
| Be positive to people. | ||
| It can help them out. | ||
| Well, also, it takes a little time to recognize that they're going to have a different feeling about you than you have about them. | ||
| To them, you're... | ||
| To you, they're a person that you've never met. | ||
| But to them, meeting you, it's weighted. | ||
| There's a lot of weight to it, a lot of gravity to the moment. | ||
| And sometimes people just get overwhelmed by it, and they fuck up and stumble. | ||
| And then they call you a monkey and scream at you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking crazy bitch. | ||
| One thing I stopped doing is I stopped correcting people that call me by character names. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I used to do that. | ||
| I used to be that dude. | ||
| I used to be. | ||
| Because I do the show Broad City. | ||
| That's probably my most popular character. | ||
| And people will say... | ||
| Lincoln! | ||
| Hey, Lincoln! | ||
| And I used to be like, no, Lincoln is a character that I play. | ||
| My name is Hannibal. | ||
| I used to be like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And now I'm just like, fuck it. | ||
| Lincoln it is. | ||
| Just say hi. | ||
| Hey, yeah. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Yep, it's Lincoln. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How you doing? | |
| How you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's tricky, man. | ||
| The learning how to navigate the waters of people knowing you and you don't know them. | ||
| And then also alcohol. | ||
| You know, you're out and they recognize you and they're drunk. | ||
| I remember I met this fucking goddammit, this guy's been in a million movies. | ||
| I'm trying to remember his name. | ||
| But I met him once. | ||
| It's probably good that I don't say his name. | ||
| I don't remember his name. | ||
| But I met him at one of those, you know, they have those press junket things they do where they have, like, NBC has, like, all their talent and all their producers. | ||
| TCA's? | ||
| Yeah, one of those fucking things. | ||
| And reporters are wandering around. | ||
| They interview people while you're drinking. | ||
| Yeah, they do it in Pasadena? | ||
| Or no? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was in Pasadena. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I was going on the hallway to the bathroom, and I ran into this dude, and I've seen him in a hundred movies and everything like that, and I was like, what's up, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're doing it? | |
| What are you doing here, man? | ||
| And I remember he was like, yeah, I'm working. | ||
| And he walked by me, and I was like, oh my god, I'm an idiot. | ||
| I just dorked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drunk. | |
| And, you know, and he didn't respond the way I thought he was going to. | ||
| He responded like, I'm a drunk dork. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that was the right way to do it. | ||
| But I remember thinking, man, I got to be aware if someone ever does that to me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because there's a feeling when you see somebody that's been in movies before and you're like, I fucking am! | ||
| You're that guy! | ||
| And, you know, it's just a lesson. | ||
| No, definitely. | ||
| I try to, you know, Be more appreciative and less dismissive, you know? | ||
| It's part of being a comic, too, is that there's this constant mocking thing going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you do have to turn it off sometimes. | ||
| Or at least, if not turn it off, turn it down to... | ||
| To two. | ||
| To two for 10. Just a mild. | ||
| Mild friendly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Life lessons with Hannibal Buress, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I gotta wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Bring it home. | ||
| What do you got going on, man? | ||
| Anything you're promoting? | ||
| Netflix special. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Comedy. | ||
| Commisado. | ||
| On February. | ||
| February 5th. | ||
| What does commisado mean? | ||
| Commisado means a military attack that occurs at night. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Where'd you film this? | ||
| I filmed it in Minneapolis at the Varsity Theater. | ||
| How is that place? | ||
| This place is great. | ||
| It holds about 500, 600 people. | ||
| Ooh, that's a good size. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How high is the ceiling? | ||
| I don't have those dimensions. | ||
| But is it high? | ||
| Is it a high ceiling? | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| It was alright. | ||
| This is my sweatiest special by far. | ||
| I was super sweaty, so people are going to think I was working hard. | ||
| Oh, that's a good size, though. | ||
| 500 seats is a good size. | ||
| Yeah, I did, because I wanted to kind of, instead of doing just two shows, I did six shows total. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Just to get comfortable in the venue. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| And then film the last two. | ||
| So I was there Wednesday, Thursday, Friday in Minneapolis. | ||
| And it was just, then by the end of the week, it felt like a, you know, just a club gig. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| In a bigger spot, in a club gig, but it was, it was loose, not loose, but it was just, it was fun. | ||
| Weird thing is that I think most times, well, at least in my experience, the second show is usually the better show. | ||
| This one, the first show... | ||
| Knocked it out of the park, and then the second show was weird. | ||
| We probably only used two or three minutes From the second show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And everything else is from the first show. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was good, and I'm excited about it. | ||
| Excited that the other two specials, Live from Chicago, Animal Friends, will be on Netflix also. | ||
| And, yeah, man. | ||
| Thanks for having me again. | ||
| Anytime, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anytime. | |
| This was fun. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| You've got an open invitation. | ||
| Just holler at me and come on by. | ||
| If I've got another guest, you can sit in and talk shit in the background. | ||
| Do whatever the fuck you want, man. | ||
| You're Hannibal Buress. | ||
| All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's it. | ||
| That's it for the whole fucking week. | ||
| It's over, bitches. | ||
| We'll be back next week. | ||
| A lot of entertaining guests. | ||
| I'll fill you in with details later, but I got some good guests next week. | ||
| All right! | ||
| See ya. |
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