Jan. 26, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:16:06
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I won't take them unless I can actually sell it, but having to sell it more than once, which doesn't happen. | ||
| Well, you have Squarespace now. | ||
| I think we're live, right? | ||
| We're live? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| I like that one because it's real. | ||
| There's no disputing. | ||
| It's a really good product. | ||
| Yeah, but Chaley does my website and uses Squarespace, so he can actually tell the shit that it does. | ||
| Well, Red Band's made, like, no bullshit, like a dozen or more websites during the time in which it took to do a Squarespace commercial. | ||
| He would just slap together a bunch of pictures, call it Ari's Butthole, and put it up online in, like, 30 seconds, and I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| It's that easy. | ||
| Ari's Butthole. | ||
| Yeah, we made... | ||
| What was the one that he made? | ||
| Some gay one with Ari? | ||
| Do you remember, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was Burt Squirts or something? | |
| Burt Squirts was one of them. | ||
| But there was something about Ari's legs or something? | ||
| Something sexual? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari Shapiro's legs. | |
| He had his feet on the table or some shit like that. | ||
| Something like that, right? | ||
| Okay, so it probably doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| Maybe some fan picked it up in homage. | ||
| But it's a legit sponsor, right? | ||
| You can't argue with it. | ||
| Some of them, they get sketchy. | ||
| There's a couple I turned down. | ||
| Some luxurious sheets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh god, yeah. | |
| And I have no idea what it was, but I do buy nice sheets because I sleep a lot. | ||
| So they go, they're going to send you a free set of these luxurious sheets, and I go, these are $300 sheets that are shittier than the $59 ones I bought from some AAA promotion on an email spam blast. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not promoting that. | ||
| Money's not that good. | ||
| Well, we had this one called Lumosity. | ||
| Have you heard of that one? | ||
| And it's like brain games. | ||
| And they're actually kind of cool. | ||
| They're fun to play. | ||
| They're stimulating. | ||
| But games are good for you. | ||
| Like if you play chess. | ||
| Chess is good for the brain. | ||
| It's good for the brain to try to solve puzzles. | ||
| It's like an exercise. | ||
| So that's undeniable. | ||
| But I guess someone had fucked up and made some outlandish claims. | ||
| Like it helps early onset Alzheimer's disease. | ||
| Fucking memory loss. | ||
| And a lot of like, I don't know who said what, I don't know what happened, but they lost millions of dollars in court. | ||
| So they must have said some stupid shit. | ||
| They were one of our sponsors. | ||
| And while we were doing it, people were like, you know, what they're saying is... | ||
| Asbestos is one of my sponsors. | ||
| And that really went sideways. | ||
| You got in late. | ||
| You were a late adopter. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a bad product. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| It's fun to play. | ||
| They're stimulating little games. | ||
| But I guess they don't make you smarter or fix your fucking brain. | ||
| My problem is I would promote shit that's not my sponsor just because I liked it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I had to go to break. | ||
| So I'd just make up a fucking... | ||
| Stuff you like? | ||
| Or stuff I didn't even... | ||
| I would just pick random things out of... | ||
| Alright, let's say a Bangor, Maine wedding attire and just Google some shop and then do a whole really dumb... | ||
| Hey, you're getting married on Tuesday. | ||
| Wow, where is your wife going to get a wedding dress on short notice? | ||
| And do the actual company without their knowledge or consent and just do a really bad commercial just for fun. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| That's a real good move. | ||
| Yeah, but the things that I actually like, I bet on betonline.ag. | ||
| That's where I do my sports betting. | ||
| But I promote them all the time. | ||
| How am I going to get a deal if I promote them for free anyway? | ||
| I keep telling you that. | ||
| That's Brian Hennigan, my filthy, uncut Scotsman manager sitting in, who tells me, don't say anything for free. | ||
| Well, Brian, that's always a good move. | ||
| Don't say nothing for free, dude. | ||
| You're often on this podcast. | ||
| Very enjoyable. | ||
| We'll listen to you guys together. | ||
| The podcast is pretty badass. | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| It's so loose. | ||
| It's one of my favorites because it has no beginning. | ||
| It's just the conversations in mid-stride. | ||
| Is it on? | ||
| I don't know if it's fucking on. | ||
| Is this thing moving? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's my open mic. | ||
| I don't have comedy there, so I do a podcast as open mic just to keep in the mode of talking in an entertainment arena. | ||
| You're cross-training. | ||
| Yes, basically. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| I mean, kind of in a way. | ||
| It's a de facto open mic, where otherwise I'd just be watching fucking Netflix all the time, so I have to at least do something artistically, creatively. | ||
| Fuck, we haven't put out a podcast. | ||
| We need, you know, two a week we try to hit. | ||
| How many people does Bisbee have? | ||
| Just over 5,000. | ||
| Do you think that it's possible that you could sustain a small comedy club? | ||
| A small local comedy club? | ||
| We were kind of talking about this the other night at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I think if you put together a small comedy club, like 150 seats or so, you could fill that... | ||
| Even though it's a weird place and it's in the middle of nowhere, you could make it like a destination thing. | ||
| Guys like me would do it. | ||
| I would do it for sure. | ||
| The problem is... | ||
| And I make jokes about it, but the main source of income in Bisbee is permanent disability or handyman. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So no one charges. | ||
| I filmed my last special there, and the fact that I was charging money at all was reprehensible to a lot of the town. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fortunately, it sold out with out-of-towners within under an hour. | ||
| Probably a better move that way, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people in a small town, like, I'm a rich guy there. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Again, it's a destination at the weekend, meaning it's the same as every comedy club on the planet. | |
| It only makes money at the weekends. | ||
| And you could do that, because you're only, like, how far from Tucson? | ||
|
unidentified
|
An hour and a half. | |
| Yeah, see, that's not much. | ||
| Two hours from actual Tucson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's a fun... | |
| No, Joe's driving. | ||
| That's a fun trek. | ||
| Like, that would be a fun track. | ||
| You know, you fly into Tucson, fuck yeah, we're gonna go to fucking Stanhope's Comedy Club! | ||
| And then you take a drive, you rent a car, you Uber, if you're baller. | ||
| You stay at theshadydell.com? | ||
| Oh, you have a place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, no, that's a friend of mine, that vintage trailer park. | ||
| I look for reasons to stay there. | ||
| Hey, let's fumigate the house so we have a reason to stay at the Shady Dell 1950s Airstream trailers. | ||
| Oh, like those silver Overcooled looking ones? | ||
| Yeah, but everything inside. | ||
| Old records with old record players. | ||
| Silverware and cups. | ||
| They're all 1950s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They've got a tiki bus. | |
| Wow. | ||
| You could just go back and... | ||
| You could roleplay. | ||
| Hennigan got married there on a... | ||
| They have a 38-foot yacht that you can stay on. | ||
| Just landlocked? | ||
| A landlocked yacht? | ||
| Dry doctor, however you say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look how well that marriage went. | |
| Hey, citizen! | ||
| I don't want to insinuate that any crime took place on this podcast, so let's change the subject rapidly. | ||
| How ridiculous is that? | ||
| That all you have to do to become a citizen is you gotta get a person in that country to sign some papers saying you guys are together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, we'll let you in. | ||
| We'll let you in. | ||
| But you gotta be in love. | ||
| I gotta know this is real! | ||
| It's the fact that they'll fucking investigate. | ||
| Like, they don't believe it. | ||
| I would gay marry someone to get them in the country just for the 10 minutes of material. | ||
| Well, we were gonna gay marry each other on the Man Show. | ||
| Last episode of the... | ||
| Just to save each other's money. | ||
| Right before it was officially canceled, I remember I was in the Atlanta Punchline parking lot drunk, and I called Zoe Friedman. | ||
| I go, I know this show's gonna get canceled, but please, it was just when Massachusetts had legalized gay marriage. | ||
| I think it was New Hampshire. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| I feel like it was New Hampshire. | ||
| Some New England state. | ||
| It was big news, and I go, just let the last episode be me and Joe getting gay married, and then show how... | ||
| Perfect a marriage that would be. | ||
| We don't fight over the remote control. | ||
| You want to go bowling, I want to go fishing. | ||
| There's no problem. | ||
| Yeah, we explain how awesome the gay lifestyle really would be. | ||
| Other than the gay parts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Other than all the butt-fucking and dick-sucking? | ||
| It seems like a great time. | ||
| Will you do that before you get married? | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Just get it out of the way. | ||
| Every fucking sitcom with a married hetero couple is, uh, you wanna fuck? | ||
| I don't wanna fuck! | ||
| Well, what's fascinating to me is the reinvigoration of manhood that I witness in men that are in their 40s that get divorced. | ||
| Like, all of a sudden, I'm fucking alive again, you know? | ||
| Don't you notice that? | ||
| The saddest part is, it's men or women, but I notice the women who just, they had kids when they were 18, and they married some fucking dentist, and now they're pushing 40, and the kid's in college, and they get divorced, and they're gonna go out on the town, and we're gonna have fun tonight! | ||
| And they just stand out like they're trying to dance when no one else is dancing on the dance floor. | ||
| Yeah, it's sad. | ||
| It's way different. | ||
| They go right back to when they graduated college. | ||
| But now they're 41. But isn't it? | ||
| It's fascinating because like as a human being, right? | ||
| You're supposed to be like living in the moment. | ||
| You're supposed to be enjoying the moment. | ||
| Like you are alive. | ||
| Is it just the inevitable doom of the clock ticking in the background that makes it so sad? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's every morning for me. | ||
| I do not wake up a morning without thinking about how much time do I have left? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When will I die? | ||
| It stinks. | ||
| The Great Demise. | ||
| But I've been doing that since my early, mid-30s. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, if you think about it, it becomes inevitable. | ||
| I mean, that becomes something that you have to dwell on. | ||
| Well, you also have everyone bashing your lifestyle. | ||
| Because there was an era, the Sam Kinison era. | ||
| Probably a bad example. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Well, he died in a drunk driving accident, and he wasn't even drunk. | ||
| Yeah, he was sober, but where that was acceptable, and then it became unacceptable. | ||
| So I can name me and Ron White as the two comics of any tenure that still actually drink heavily and smokes cigarettes, he smokes cigars, whatever. | ||
| Dom Herrera drinks pretty heavily. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah, he's pretty open about it. | ||
| He drinks pretty much every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's not known for it. | ||
| Well, he doesn't bring it up a lot. | ||
| He doesn't walk out on stage with three drinks under his arm like Neil Hamburger. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But for real. | ||
| No, he'll go up there with a drink or so. | ||
| But Tom Herrera, he's such a great guy. | ||
| I just saw him last week or two weeks ago. | ||
| He's the salt of the earth, that guy. | ||
| That expression, he's no more true than that guy. | ||
| He's just so sweet. | ||
| He's such a lovable guy. | ||
| Every time I see him, I just can't wait to hug him, you know? | ||
| We were on a cruise ship. | ||
| I was just a passenger. | ||
| It was the Impractical Jokers, which I fucking love their show so much. | ||
| They put on a fan cruise, and I found it. | ||
| And I go, Bingo and I are huge. | ||
| Who was the Impractical Jokers? | ||
| Yeah, it was two weeks ago. | ||
| Who are they? | ||
| It's on TruTV, one of the worst networks out there. | ||
| Oh, that's a crazy prank show. | ||
| They're old friends and they do pranks like you would do with your buddies. | ||
| It's not like fucking Ashton Kutcher on Punk'd. | ||
| They just dare each other to do shit. | ||
| Shots fired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The thing is, when you explain it, Doug... | |
| There you go. | ||
| I'm the first to say it. | ||
| Ashton Kutcher, the guy you haven't heard about in eight years is a douche. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But when you explain... | |
| Explaining the true TV in Practical Jokers is kind of... | ||
| It doesn't sound that funny, but when you see it, it's fantastic. | ||
| They're genuine, and that's what I want to say. | ||
| For the record, I met Ashton Kutcher. | ||
| He was very nice. | ||
| But the show sucked, and I love hidden camera. | ||
| He was a very nice guy. | ||
| I worked with him on that CBS hidden camera thing. | ||
| I mean, I only got to talk to him once, but he was very friendly. | ||
| He's totally normal. | ||
| This valet driver, he's a fake. | ||
| And what idiot would just hand their keys to anybody? | ||
| Well, anyone who goes to a valet would. | ||
| Just a smarmy tone. | ||
| Douche. | ||
| He's a douche. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Ahmed Ahmed almost got in a fist fight with Travis Barker. | ||
| Apparently, Ahmed Ahmed, they were doing this prank on Punk'd where Ahmed Ahmed was telling me the story. | ||
| He got to get like in Travis Barker's face. | ||
| Who's Travis Barker? | ||
| The guy from Blink-182, the drummer covering tattoos, right? | ||
| He's from Blink-182, right? | ||
| Really nice guy. | ||
| Really cool guy. | ||
| Amazing drummer. | ||
| And just an interesting cat all around. | ||
| But I guess he just doesn't take any shit from people. | ||
| And Ahmed Ahmed, like, is a big guy. | ||
| Like, Ahmed Ahmed's, you know, 200 plus pounds, probably six foot one or something like that. | ||
| He's a pretty big guy. | ||
| Except for the intimidating part. | ||
| He's not intimidating? | ||
| No. | ||
| You wouldn't be scared of Ahmed Ahmed if you didn't know him? | ||
| No, not if you didn't have a suicide vest on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
May I be the first to say, how dare you? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I stole that from you. | ||
| That's part of my regular nomenclatures. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| That's so Joe Rogan. | ||
| It's not even mine. | ||
| I mean, that's just, it's out there. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hello, nice lady. | ||
| Hi, nice lady. | ||
| I know I stole that from Brendan Walsh. | ||
| Oh, hi, nice lady. | ||
| Hey, nice lady. | ||
| I use that all the time. | ||
| Hey, nice lady's a good one. | ||
| It's like so fucking pejorative, but not. | ||
| It's like when you don't remember a name and instead of saying, hey, baby, hey, good look. | ||
| Nice lady you can get away with. | ||
| Hey, nice lady. | ||
| I actually asked him once. | ||
| I go, did I steal that from you? | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't know you had to steal that from him. | |
| Is it Brennan's? | ||
| Walsh always said it, but I don't know. | ||
| I'm assuming he said it. | ||
| Sometimes you just meet a funny guy that, like, fucking works in the kitchen, and he has great lines, and you forget where you got him from, and then all of a sudden you're like, you're all going, hey now, or, you know, hey there, or, you know, whatever this one guy does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please hold. | |
| I use all the time, and I stole that from Captain Rowdy's wife. | ||
| Miss Kimmy is a comic, old comic Captain Rowdy. | ||
| And she'd answer the phone, and it'd be for Rowdy, and she'd go, please hold. | ||
| I've fucking used that ever since. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Please hold. | ||
| Eddie Bravo had these prescription pharmaceutical companies calling him up. | ||
| Apparently he had used his money, or used his number rather, on a credit card order and bought some pharmaceutical drugs. | ||
| So they would just randomly call him, like they gave out his number. | ||
| So he would just be fucking sitting around and they would call him and ask him if he wants to buy various drugs. | ||
| They sell them to you from Canada. | ||
| This was back when they could do that. | ||
| So Eddie Bravo would put the phone down. | ||
| He would walk away. | ||
| He would walk away for five minutes. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| I know I got my money here, so I'm like, hold on a second. | ||
| Yeah, I'm definitely buying some stuff. | ||
| In the industry, that's called a stroker. | ||
| From the old telemarketing days. | ||
| A stroker. | ||
| Someone who would just purposely keep you on the phone and fuck with you for as long as they could. | ||
| Which is actually a good move. | ||
| Well, we were fucking defrauding people, so you can't hold it against them. | ||
| No, it's fun. | ||
| That's a smart one. | ||
| You got a smart one. | ||
| You got one that didn't fall into the hive. | ||
| I hate bounty hunters just because they're cocks. | ||
| I mean, you have a point. | ||
| A stroker has a point. | ||
| Yeah, Stroker has a point, for sure. | ||
| Random phone calls, like especially the unsolicited phone calls, fuck them. | ||
| It's all, you know, there's no rules. | ||
| I just get the fucking robots now, and what I get now, I don't know if anyone else gets this, they mimic your own phone number, so it will have my same... | ||
| Area code and prefix, and then just screw up the last four numbers a little bit. | ||
| I assume the psychology is you recognize that phone number and then answer it, and then you go, oh fuck, that's my phone number, and now you're listening to a bot call. | ||
| Do you want to extend your warranty? | ||
| You have a limited time. | ||
| How many people actually buy into those? | ||
| I mean, it has to be worthwhile, otherwise they wouldn't just keep doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a numbers game. | |
| It's a robot. | ||
| It's a fucking computer. | ||
| So if you could just hit a program and then go off to, you know, whatever you do selling shoes. | ||
| Well, some people are just really fucking lonely, too. | ||
| That's one thing to take into consideration. | ||
| My grandfather, before he died, my grandmother died. | ||
| It was one of those classic stories where my grandmother dies, and my grandfather dies a year later. | ||
| Just didn't want to live. | ||
| But in that year that you didn't visit, he got lonely. | ||
| I was around here, man. | ||
| But in that year, he got addicted to buying things from catalogs. | ||
| He was getting cancer. | ||
| Was he in his 40s too? | ||
| No! | ||
| I mean, just like he was buying things, they would call him up and they would offer him catalogs and stuff like that. | ||
| He would get the catalogs, he would order things from the catalogs. | ||
| And it became like a problem. | ||
| He just would get it, just like his wife was gone. | ||
| You know, his wife was there his whole life, so it's like, you don't have anybody to talk to, and I think part of you just goes insane. | ||
| Like, part of you blows a fuse. | ||
| Like, the normal input's just not there. | ||
| Like, usually it's you and the wife, you and the husband, you and the, you know, and then it's gone, and they're like, where's that thing that's part of my life? | ||
| It's like a part of you dies. | ||
| They really do just want to die. | ||
| And that's how they go. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| How do you correlate that to shopping? | ||
| This is my beef with fucking hoarders. | ||
| Hoarders will do a montage like Intervention does. | ||
| Like, well, then her husband left for another woman and then she started... | ||
| Stocking the basement full of dollar store shit. | ||
| You don't know that the cause and effect... | ||
| There's no scientific... | ||
| It's like intervention. | ||
| Hey, tell me one bad thing that ever happened to you, and we'll do a montage about that, and that's why you're a fucking crack addict. | ||
| There's no scientific proof that's why you're a crack addict, but they try to pin it on something. | ||
| There's plenty of people who had great childhoods that are fucking crack addicts, but they need to have some reason. | ||
| It's just like chicks with fucking self-help books all over their shelf. | ||
| Well, I think it's not an either-or thing. | ||
| I think that's part of it. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of people that have drug addictions because of abuse, right? | ||
| I think we all know them. | ||
| There's a lot of people that get involved in drug addiction because they were abused as a child. | ||
| And whatever fuse blue, they're like constantly trying to put out that fire, right? | ||
| There's that. | ||
| But then there's also people that they just fucking can't do it. | ||
| They just can't drink or they can't do drugs. | ||
| They just can't. | ||
| They do it and then they get shark eyes and they're fucking gone. | ||
| They're just off to the races. | ||
| And we've all met people like that. | ||
| I know, Sean Rouse is what you're saying, but... | ||
| I'm saying Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Eddie Bravo's figured out how to pull in, though. | ||
| My point is, maybe your grandpa just likes to buy shit out of catalogs because he's bored. | ||
| Like, I'm gonna die soon. | ||
| Let me just buy some shit and jack up my credit card because I'm not gonna be around to pay this bill. | ||
| Once the family investigated, that wasn't the case. | ||
| But I can understand why you would think that. | ||
| I'm not saying your grandpa specifically, but people correlate. | ||
| Yeah, he was so old country though. | ||
| He was born in Italy. | ||
| He was as old country as you get. | ||
| Grew up on a farm. | ||
| Taught me how to break a rabbit's neck. | ||
| How you kill a rabbit. | ||
| He grew up in a place there were no catalogs. | ||
| Before I die, I better take advantage of all these newfangled ways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like magic. | |
| It was always the big thing that my grandfather worked in a factory that made a part for the atomic bomb. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was like one of those things that the whole family would talk about. | ||
| Grandpa worked in a factory that made a part for the A-bomb. | ||
| We're like, whoa. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It was like sort of a badge of pride in some sort of weird fucking way. | ||
| I don't even know if it was true. | ||
| That's why he drank, because he knew he killed all those people in Nagasaki. | ||
| He didn't even drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's a guy with no conscience. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| My grandfather was one of the nicest guys of all time. | ||
| He was like, even for back then, it's a hard time, you know? | ||
| He was not a hard man at all. | ||
| He was the nicest guy. | ||
| When someone dies, people say, and he was such a sweet man and a nice man, and my dad, even to this day when I was writing this book about my mother, Oh, your father was the sweetest person ever. | ||
| He really was. | ||
| And I couldn't even say that about my mother. | ||
| She was a real cunt towards the end. | ||
| She was a fucking bitter, spiteful, needy... | ||
| At the end. | ||
| At the beginning, she was just someone who had a kid too young. | ||
| I met her like three quarters in, and she was great. | ||
| Well, that's because she was on the show. | ||
| I actually went back writing that book because my memory is shit, and I watched the episode with my mom and your mom. | ||
| It's somewhere out there on some Vimeo or some shit. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| And there's a lot of things in the book that sound like bullshit, and I just sound like I got laid for the first time when I was nine years old. | ||
| Before you could cum and That sounds awesome. | ||
| But that's on that episode, where the episode was me and you, and we had cards. | ||
| Okay, which one of us? | ||
| We had embarrassing things from our childhood, and our mothers were on Jeopardy style. | ||
| Okay, which one of us did this? | ||
| And mine was, who lost his virginity in third grade in a church? | ||
| And bang, my mom slaps the button. | ||
| That's my boy! | ||
| That was the name of the game. | ||
| That's my boy. | ||
| And I'm like, you're verifying everything in this book that sounds like bullshit on tape. | ||
| Thank you, because... | ||
| A lot of stuff. | ||
| Do you ever have stories that you will only tell if there's someone in the room to verify because otherwise you sound like a liar? | ||
| Yeah, it sounds crazy. | ||
| Yeah, she verified five different stories that are in the book. | ||
| Well, you remember when we had your mom review porn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was fucking great at it. | ||
| She was great. | ||
| She would watch these DVDs and review them. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| It was humorous. | ||
| Like, it was really funny. | ||
| She was good. | ||
| She was good. | ||
| I saw her at her best. | ||
| That's when I knew your mom. | ||
| That's when she started drinking again. | ||
| It was right after the man show. | ||
| Oh no, really? | ||
| She had been like 22 years sober. | ||
| She was sneaking. | ||
| She'd be drinking cough syrup because she's a lifelong menthol smoker. | ||
| So she always had a cough. | ||
| So anytime you went to that filthy apartment, she had a little shot glass of cough syrup. | ||
| So she was kind of like weaning her way back into drinking but using the... | ||
| Codeine? | ||
| Fucking dollar store Robitussin. | ||
| I remember talking about it on my first CD. What year? | ||
| 2001, probably. | ||
| See, yeah, I think back then you could get the real shit. | ||
| She wouldn't get real shit. | ||
| She was a dollar store freak. | ||
| No, but I mean like NyQuil. | ||
| Like, NyQuil would fuck you up back then. | ||
| There was a comic that used to get one of the guys who worked at Rascals in West Orange. | ||
| There was a comic who used to get one of the guys who worked there to go buy him bottles of NyQuil. | ||
| He would just drink bottles. | ||
| A fucking NyQuil. | ||
| When my brother was in the Marine Corps in Okinawa, there was a whole bunch of them. | ||
| They called themselves the Robo-Raiders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| Because they would drink Robitussin until they hallucinated. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I can't fucking listen to this. | ||
| The regular NyQuil, I think, had codeine in it, didn't it, Jamie? | ||
| You could get so fucked up, like in an amazing way. | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I got sick once. | |
| Well, I've had two morphine experiences. | ||
| One of them was in the hospital after I had knee surgery. | ||
| They gave me this thing that you could press, and you could press it. | ||
| Every time you press it, you get more morphine. | ||
| And I was like, oh, let's see what happens. | ||
| I'm like, I am in agony. | ||
| They drilled some shit into my knee and replaced a ligament and cut one and took out bone and screwed it together. | ||
| It's fucking agony. | ||
| So I'm just like, oh, bam, bam, bam. | ||
| And it just took me to this amazing place of bliss. | ||
| I'm like, well, no wonder why that shit's hard to get. | ||
| No wonder why it's illegal. | ||
| And then the next time, I never would take medicine, but I got a bad cold, and I just needed to sleep. | ||
| And I couldn't sleep, so I took some NyQuil. | ||
| And it was amazing. | ||
| It was the same feeling that I had when I had surgery. | ||
| It's like the NyQuil just took me to this beautiful... | ||
| Like I fell back into the most amazing down pillow just of love. | ||
| Just... | ||
| I know people that are jacked on Vicodin. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Percocet? | ||
| It's an opiate. | ||
| Where I've taken Vicodin, it did nothing. | ||
| Even when I had one surgery in my adult life, it was an umbilical hernia, and they gave it to me as a painkiller, and I didn't feel any pain, but I didn't feel any high. | ||
| And I'm like, maybe this just doesn't hurt. | ||
| Well, I had a buddy that got into Vicodin for writing. | ||
| He would write on it. | ||
| He would take Vicodin and write music. | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
| He loved to crush up Vicodins and then he would take it and I don't know how he would do it. | ||
| He would snort it or whether he would just swallow them. | ||
| But he would say that his music would become very creative and he would do that. | ||
| I can't write on anything but fear. | ||
| Seriously, I write sober and afraid. | ||
| I'll write some shit down when I'm drunk ideas, and then sober me will have to go back and clean them up. | ||
| At best, I can remember the premise, and now I have to make this good. | ||
| There's drugs that are good for stage, cocaine, which I'm not a regular user of, but I've had shows where I'm just tired of saying this shit and do a bump before stage. | ||
| It's great for stage, but for writing, nothing other than fear and coffee. | ||
| Joey Diaz says that coke was terrible for him for the stage. | ||
| Joey said that coke would make him lock up. | ||
| It would make him feel evil and make him feel greedy. | ||
| He goes, it would take out the love. | ||
| The amount of coke Joey Diaz was probably doing is different than a small Bic cap bump that I would do like a 48 hour energy drink. | ||
| Do you remember that time we did mushrooms the day of the war? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I've never had cocaine, but I did have this fucking coca leaves tea from Jan Irvin. | ||
| He had this mate de coca tea. | ||
| It was tea that was made out of coca leaves, and you would drink it, and I just couldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| I was talking to you about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I've heard your podcast. | |
| But remember you and I were having this conversation about it? | ||
| I was like, this is what coke is like? | ||
| Oh my god, this is awful. | ||
| You've always said you're terrified of trying it, because if I like it, I'll go fucking haywire. | ||
| I think I'm terrified of it because when I grew up, I saw two people that I was pretty close to completely ruin their lives. | ||
| One was a really good friend, and another one was a really good friend's cousin. | ||
| And I watched their life just go to shit! | ||
| I've seen the same thing. | ||
| I saw a couple of fat girls get thin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| Do you remember when they had Fen-Fen? | ||
| Do you remember Fen-Fen? | ||
| I remember it existing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| I knew a girl. | ||
| Diet pill. | ||
| Truck stop speed, basically, but sold under a different marketing umbrella. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was really fucking bad for you. | ||
| I knew a girl who got on it, and she went from being, unfortunately, like... | ||
| Plump. | ||
| She was like... | ||
| Was her name Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it was a different girl. | ||
| She was like a little plump. | ||
| Three people out there got that reference. | ||
| Good. | ||
| That was a good movie, though. | ||
| Requiem for a Dream was the shit. | ||
| I almost forgot about that movie. | ||
| Anyway, she got on the Fen-Fen. | ||
| Lost a ton of weight, looked amazing, but then started feeling really, really bad. | ||
| Like, you know, you get, like, fucking heart issues, man. | ||
| I mean, you're on, essentially, you're on speed. | ||
| You're on speed for, like, a fucking year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And after a while, your heart's like, hey, fuckhead! | |
| We need some oil in this engine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're running about 88,000 fucking RPMs. | |
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| The fuck are we doing today? | ||
| She looked amazing though, man. | ||
| I mean, she went from being a girl who had this really pretty face that just couldn't get her body in order for whatever reason. | ||
| Her diet, drinking, you know, a lot of people just booze. | ||
| Just a story this week on Newser is where I go for my... | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Read Less No More or some dumb shit. | ||
| Some girl in Wisconsin froze to death leaving a party in a tank top and shorts at six below zero. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And then security cameras caught her walking like a thousand feet and then just curled up and fucking died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| And that's the vanity. | ||
| Where a chick will just underdress to be sexy. | ||
| That's why a chick always wants your coat when she goes, I'm going to dress all sexy. | ||
| And then it's 25 degrees out. | ||
| Can I wear your coat? | ||
| No, I brought a coat because I know it's fucking cold outside, whore. | ||
| How dare you, first of all? | ||
| This girl was drunk, so that's... | ||
| You gotta think, this girl has friends, right? | ||
| How the fuck are her friends? | ||
| Like, listen, if we're all hanging out, okay, and it's fucking six below zero, and I go, where's Doug? | ||
| Where the fuck is Doug? | ||
| Where's Doug? | ||
| Have you seen Doug? | ||
| I'm thinking, you blacked out when wandering off into the fucking Arctic. | ||
| I'm gonna go outside looking for you. | ||
| I would immediately. | ||
| If we were all hammered, if I knew we were fucked up, so she's leaving a bar, and she's fucked up, and her friends don't pay attention, she just curls up on the ground and dies? | ||
| Well, there's more to her personal story, but I'm using that as an extreme example of when you see chicks waiting in line at a bar, like Chilcoo Charlie's in Alaska, and there's a line around the block at midnight in the winter, and it's freezing, but they're all dressed up horrishly in fishnets and whatever, because they'd rather be in agony than look bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, there's so much power. | ||
| If you're a girl with a hot body, and you have fishnets on, and you walk into a bar and you have black leather shorts and fishnets and high heels, and you have a nice ass and great legs, you are a queen. | ||
| I'm like, you are a god. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| If you're a fat girl that can outlast her, you're gonna get the same fucking action. | ||
| It's not the same, Doug. | ||
| It is not. | ||
| For the lady, it's the same. | ||
| The girl with the fucking spandex. | ||
| She gets all the attention. | ||
| She might get on Instagram and get fucking millions of friends. | ||
| And Squarespace starts giving her money. | ||
| Millions of real, honest friends. | ||
| Like, salt of the earth, close to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| But enough. | ||
| It fills the void. | ||
| Like, it doesn't have to be raised that void. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The Kardashians made it. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| I never speak their name. | ||
| Paris Hilton started that fire and then she fucking vanished before the bomb went off. | ||
| She got out. | ||
| She didn't vanish. | ||
| She got out. | ||
| She got out of the game. | ||
| Well, it's like, oh yeah, just like old comics. | ||
| They didn't get out of the game. | ||
| They got replaced. | ||
| Yeah, but I think she actually got out of the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She didn't need the money. | |
| Well, she develops a bunch of business ventures that are extremely successful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She makes a fucking ungodly amount of money and decided to lay back. | ||
| Well, she realized that ego has a horrible byproduct. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That fame comes at a price, and the price became too much. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| She didn't need to be seen with her beaver hanging out. | ||
| It's probably Britney Spears, but they're all the same. | ||
| Didn't they all do that, though? | ||
| There was a time where girls were just showing their pussy. | ||
| It was amazing times. | ||
| Right when social media first started popping, those girls were fucking gangster about it. | ||
| They just said, listen, I'm going to put a photographer in a place where no fucking photographer would ever be. | ||
| And I'm going to pretend that that guy just accidentally took pictures of my pussy. | ||
| Because who the fuck lets a guy get on his knees looking up your dress as you get out of a Bentley? | ||
| That shit doesn't happen. | ||
| That's not what happened. | ||
| They have people, they have security teams that rival the Secret Service to make sure that doesn't happen. | ||
| Yet it happened to you in the most flattering way on the day you weren't having your period and you shaved your bush. | ||
| How amazing the luck of that photographer. | ||
| They always shave their bush. | ||
| That's where porn won. | ||
| Porn just won. | ||
| If Amy Schumer... | ||
| Shaved her pussy? | ||
| Had some kind of paparazzi shot. | ||
| This is my Amy Schumer thing. | ||
| I know you don't want to get into the stealing jokes thing, because I don't know. | ||
| I'm out of the business. | ||
| It's a good business to be out of. | ||
| But when she started doing... | ||
| I'm going to pose naked with my three rolls of fat because that's what a woman really is in Hollywood. | ||
| It won't touch a person like that. | ||
| I have a fucking grotesquely hangy ball sack. | ||
| How bad? | ||
| And I wouldn't... | ||
| It's worse than most. | ||
| Do you remember Joey's from... | ||
| I don't know if you ever saw that picture. | ||
| But he has a huge cock. | ||
| I have that picture. | ||
| He's got a huge dick and ball sack. | ||
| Yeah, but if you have a huge dick to compensate for the ball sack, then it kind of looks all proportionate. | ||
| I have a small dick with hanging balls where one hangs way lower than the other, and I would never do some kind of Annie Leibovitz fucking photo spread going, you know what? | ||
| The porn industry... | ||
| It doesn't accept people. | ||
| But this is the reality of cock and balls, and I'm just going to show it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| No one wants to fucking see it. | ||
| It bothers me that people... | ||
| It's not Hollywood that tells you what's attractive. | ||
| I think she's funny. | ||
| I think Amy Schumer is funny. | ||
| I actually watched her comedy special and laughed out loud alone on my lonely couch, but I was laughing out loud. | ||
| She's very funny. | ||
| She's funny on podcasts. | ||
| She's really funny on radio shows. | ||
| She's very quick. | ||
| I like her a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's not just her, it's people who go, you have to accept my body style. | ||
| I didn't not accept it, I just didn't buy a magazine to see it. | ||
| Yeah, well, I get where they're coming from in a way, but like everything, there's like... | ||
| There's like places that it goes where I don't agree anymore. | ||
| And that's one of those things. | ||
| If she wants to be like, hey, look at my fat. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| High five. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| A guy can do it. | ||
| Joey can do it. | ||
| Joey does it all the time. | ||
| I mean, in one of the pictures that I had for Vegas that Jamie put together, Jamie made this picture. | ||
| It's Joey from like the Joey karate days when he was like at his heaviest. | ||
| He had this giant gut. | ||
| And he's got his shirt off. | ||
| And he's like doing karate moves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean... | |
| It's because it's funny. | ||
| I mean, if I support Joey being funny there, why wouldn't I support Amy? | ||
| Melissa McCarthy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a picture. | |
| Look at that fucking picture. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| It's an ad for the MGM Grand. | ||
| We're there on March 4th. | ||
| But he's doing it to be funny as opposed to a woman that's Hollywood overweight trying to say, well, you know what? | ||
| This can be sexy, too. | ||
| Joey's not doing that to go, this is sexy, too. | ||
| As a fellow comic, I always have to look at it from the perspective of like, all right. | ||
| What is she trying to do? | ||
| Is she trying to be funny? | ||
| Or is she trying to say, I don't give a fuck? | ||
| She's doing one of those things, right? | ||
| And either one of those things is fine. | ||
| I'll tell you what she's... | ||
| My opinion of what she's doing is what I hope you fell into that I fell into when we were at that same age where we both started getting compared to Bill Hicks and getting too much fucking... | ||
| Hicks pressure? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you kind of try to live up to it. | ||
| I think she's so big that she feels like she is the voice for all females, because they're telling her she is, and she's probably overcompensating on some level. | ||
| Well, she's probably overwhelmed by the G-force of fame. | ||
| I mean, the G-force of fame that she's experienced, and she experienced it really quickly. | ||
| Like, Amy was on this show... | ||
| I get a Z-force of fame, and that was enough. | ||
| Not even two years ago, right? | ||
| So, less than a year and a half ago, she was nowhere near as famous as she is now. | ||
| Yeah, she's gonna go to Africa like Chappelle just to get away from this shit in a minute. | ||
| She's going to become trans black. | ||
| Does she have... | ||
| I don't even think she's like 30. Is she 30? | ||
| 32, I think. | ||
| She's 32? | ||
| She's really young, man. | ||
| Look, when I was 32, I was fucking retarded. | ||
| I'm retarded now, and I'm 48. But that's back when Yoko Hicks used to fucking... | ||
| Hey, I was Bill Hicks' best friend, and I want to do a video with you. | ||
| Oh shit, I have to live up to that. | ||
| Yeah, well, there was always that. | ||
| Like, you'd get compared to it. | ||
| Like, this ain't like Hicks. | ||
| Like, oh my god, I can't be myself. | ||
| There was like, you didn't want to have your own sense of humor. | ||
| You wanted to live up to this void that was left behind. | ||
| There was a fucking great piece. | ||
| You know Jamie from the Atlanta Punchline? | ||
| No. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| I ran into him at the Comedy Store the other day. | ||
| I'm sure I do know him, but I have no memory. | ||
| I guarantee you know. | ||
| Did you work at Atlanta? | ||
| Did you ever do the Punchline? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| All I remember is bad shows. | ||
| Fucking one of the all-time best comedy clubs. | ||
| It was a great club. | ||
| They just went under. | ||
| Parking issue so they're moving to a new location, but they took apart the old place and saved pieces of the stage and saved pieces of the green room and the green room had like shitty fake wood paneling and on that would actually actually be wood it might be real wood paneling but anyway on it it said so he doesn't get sued no no because I'm gonna have it here Yeah, there's one piece. | ||
| I said, can I please have the piece that says, quit trying to be Hicks. | ||
| I took a picture of it and I put it up on the line back when there was no Instagram. | ||
| They stole that from the Austin green room. | ||
| I don't think they did. | ||
| I think this was an old fucking club. | ||
| That club had been around forever, but everybody was saying that at the time. | ||
| There was a million half-assed hicks. | ||
| That's what you could call them. | ||
| Orators. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, like right now, there's like a hundred hotels. | ||
| There's so many guys who talk like Dave. | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| There's so many fucking hotels. | ||
| You know, there was a bunch of Patrice's when Patrice was alive. | ||
| There's a few Patrice's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quite a few Hedberg's. | |
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Well, they've kind of branched out into their own, which is what happens, man. | ||
| It's like, in the beginning, what's awkward is that we're watching it. | ||
| But we all kind of went through, like, I had a bad Richard Jennings period, man, where I was on stage, and I realized I was, you know, it was like open mic level one year in, and I was on stage, and myself, I was like, oh my god, I'm definitely stealing the way Richard Jennings talks. | ||
| Like, I was talking just like him. | ||
| The same cadence. | ||
| I wasn't even being myself. | ||
| But I realized that, like, just because I admired him and I was scared, I was trying to figure out how to do it on my own. | ||
| So, it becomes a lot of these guys, I think that's what happens. | ||
| Like, there's guys that have been compared to Hedberg that you can't really say that anymore. | ||
| Like, you watch him now and you go, oh, he's found his own little weird thing. | ||
| Well, Hannibal Buress, when I first saw Hannibal, he was fucking brilliant. | ||
| I go, wow, he sounds like Hedberg. | ||
| And then I go, I think Hedberg stole sounding black. | ||
| A little bit, man. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| He had one of my all-time favorite jokes about bananas. | ||
| Someone said, do you want a frozen banana? | ||
| I said, no, but I want a regular banana later, so yes. | ||
| We were going through the litany of our favorite Hedberg and Nattels. | ||
| I don't have a girlfriend, but I do have a girl that would be very upset if she heard me say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha! | |
| And I knew that girl. | ||
| His jokes, a lot of them were reality-based, even though that's probably why he hated the Stephen Wright comparison, where he was saying real shit. | ||
| He really did give free bread to a duck at Subway. | ||
| These things actually happened, and he wrote it in a way that was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were with him, sorry, when he wrote the joke about the tennis game. | |
| Yeah, we played tennis down there. | ||
| His first Letterman special, he did the joke and he dropped my name and I was all excited. | ||
| I played tennis with my friend Doug and I realized no matter how good I get at tennis, I'll never be as good as a wall. | ||
| He had a gang of them, man. | ||
| He was just one of those guys, man. | ||
| Just very unique. | ||
| It's very hard to compare him to someone else. | ||
| He's just his own little weird category. | ||
| Fucking Shawcroft has so much unreleased footage and she's such a... | ||
| Scared to put it out. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why wouldn't she put it out? | ||
| Well, because she wants his legacy to be right. | ||
| She's a fuck-up like all the rest of my comic friends. | ||
| She doesn't get around his shit. | ||
| So was it like stuff that he was working on? | ||
| He'd film everything. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I have this 30 minute VHS he made me from like 1993 that he shot while we were on the road doing like Montana run triple gigs and Vancouver and he just shot and edited back in VHS days. | ||
| It wasn't computer era. | ||
| He had to actually sit and fucking edit this and titled it for me and... | ||
| Autographed the two minutes. | ||
| He's like breakdancing in the winter on some barren road on a piece of cardboard in Montana. | ||
| We're making out in a kitchen in some fucking comedy club in Surrey, BC. And we kiss in front of the cooks just to disturb them. | ||
| And he pauses on it and plays, I want to know what love is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| He was doing that shit, though, in 93, and we were co-headlining a B room, so we were co-middling, basically, for no money. | ||
| I remember the night we got paid. | ||
| We were afraid we weren't going to get paid because this club was definitely going under. | ||
| You could tell. | ||
| And we had to stay in the owner's house. | ||
| And the owner didn't even live there. | ||
| And there's stacks of dirty dishes higher than the sink. | ||
| And it's just this bare mattresses we're sleeping on in the basement. | ||
| And we're like, we're going to get fucked out of our money. | ||
| And this is when... | ||
| If you don't get paid, you don't get home. | ||
| That's your gas. | ||
| That's everything. | ||
| And we finally got paid, and then they're taking us out into downtown Vancouver. | ||
| Surrey's a suburb, and the door guys that were cool are going to take us out to party. | ||
| They were telling me how hot the hookers were in Vancouver. | ||
| Streetwalkers. | ||
| But no, they were. | ||
| We're driving past all these hookers. | ||
| I go, these are really streetwalker hookers? | ||
| Like, they're fucking, for me, A-game. | ||
| For you, not so much. | ||
| And I'm like, what's the minimum? | ||
| And whatever it was, they said like 50 bucks. | ||
| And I go, alright, here's, I think I got paid like 600 bucks or something. | ||
| I go, here's the rest of my money. | ||
| I'm just taking 50 bucks so I can't get ripped off. | ||
| Drop me off next to her and pick me up in half an hour. | ||
| So they drop me off. | ||
| I go up to her and the minimum is 100 bucks. | ||
| A minimum. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I only have 50 because they told me it was 50. Nope. | ||
| So I just sit on a bus bench next to a hooker working a sidewalk for 29 more minutes waiting for my friends to come pick me up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not broke. | |
| Why would you go to a hooker with 50? | ||
| This is 1994, Cindy. | ||
| 50 bucks? | ||
| That's what the guys who dropped me off told me. | ||
| I was fucking whatever. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| 94, so... | ||
| 67, yeah. | ||
| Something. | ||
| Something along those lines. | ||
| I'll think about my dick. | ||
| Dick made the worst choices in my life. | ||
| Vancouver is one of the strangest fucking places. | ||
| Because it's Canada, but it's almost like America, Canada. | ||
| It's so Seattle. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Portland, Seattle. | ||
| Boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's right there. | |
| It's more San Francisco in the PC. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of wild people there, too. | ||
| Vancouver's got a lot of wild people. | ||
| Well, so does San Francisco, but the ones that are cunts are very... | ||
| It's almost like if Anchorage fucks San Francisco. | ||
| It would make Vancouver, right? | ||
| I was trying to think of a good heroin city, because there's a lot of heroin up there. | ||
| But in Anchorage or in Vancouver? | ||
| No, in Vancouver. | ||
| Yeah, there's huge heroin. | ||
| The place we play, Brian's never been there. | ||
| That's why he keeps booking me back there. | ||
| It's the rickshaw, and it's in the heroin district, which might as well be wherever all the fucking Syrian refugees go now. | ||
| If you've ever seen a full street flea market... | ||
| That's homeless people, like, every single inch of the entire street across the street from that gig is homeless tents, and you think, oh, is this an open-air market? | ||
| No, that's fucking homeless junkies. | ||
| The entire sidewalk for four blocks is just wandering vagabond junkie street people. | ||
| I don't want to, uh... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at the picture. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah! | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I just say it's a very good deal. | |
| How so? | ||
| You get what you pay for in this world, right? | ||
| No, no, the door deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The door deal. | |
| The door deal. | ||
| It's all standing. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| No, that's an actual restaurant. | ||
| So do you tell him, hey man, this place blows. | ||
| Generally I do, but sometimes I don't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I explain the financial alternatives. | |
| Financial. | ||
| Yeah, you can't let that get involved in your business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Can't let the financial alternatives get involved in your business. | ||
| Standing out in that back alley smoking and you're literally going, can I get some duct tape from my pant legs? | ||
| Because those rats are running so rampantly that you're just thinking, oh, that could run up my leg. | ||
| There's that many of them? | ||
| And raw sewage, like thick raw sewage. | ||
| I was just thinking about the poor hooker working for $50. | ||
| I keep fixating on that. | ||
| No, it was $100. | ||
| I get lied to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was 1994. But you thought it was $50. | |
| There has to be a girl out there that was working for $50. | ||
| Did you ever drive through Utah and you go through a drive-through in St. George and there's this perfect platinum blonde 19-year-old working the drive-through and you go, what the fuck are you doing here? | ||
| Well, because they all look that good. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I didn't get to Utah until I was in my 40s. | ||
| Well, you haven't lived. | ||
| You know what I do love, though, is Salt Lake City, like doing stand-up in Salt Lake City. | ||
| It's like everything has got like a little extra kick to it. | ||
| Because they don't get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, they get it. | ||
| They don't get it there. | ||
| That type of entertainment, so the ones that are into it are... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like playing the Antarctic, which I really want to do. | ||
| The Antarctic. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That space station. | ||
| The fucking... | ||
| Arctic station. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched a documentary on that place. | ||
| McMurdo, isn't it? | ||
| McMurdo. | ||
| I think everybody gets it now. | ||
| There's like pockets of people everywhere that get it. | ||
| So Salt Lake City, it's not just a giant Mormon stronghold. | ||
| It's also a bunch of people that just live there. | ||
| And it's beautiful. | ||
| But they have the stigma. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So people might... | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| And they're like, no, we're better now! | ||
| Well, it's a good spot because of all those things, because it's underrated, because everyone's so scared that it's a cult city. | ||
| And it is a fucking cult city, by the way. | ||
| I arrived at the airport a few months back. | ||
| Landed, as we're going down the escalator, you see these fucking people, welcome back, Elder Michael. | ||
| Like, welcome back. | ||
| They call them elders! | ||
| They're fucking 20, and they're calling them elders. | ||
| And they're coming back from convincing some people that don't even have, like, clean water. | ||
| That they need to embrace the Mormon doctrine. | ||
| That's why your water's dirty. | ||
| Joseph Smith hasn't been here. | ||
| It's so bizarre, man. | ||
| It's so bizarre. | ||
| They make them do it. | ||
| They make them go to these... | ||
| That's like part of their gig is that they have to proselytize. | ||
| They have to go to these weird places. | ||
| And missions. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking nuts, man. | ||
| A comic friend of mine went on the Tabernacle Tour. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Touring the Mormon Tabernacle. | ||
| And they have a tour, just like the Vatican would, and you can tour the Tabernacle. | ||
| And he just kept asking about the Mormon Meadows Massacre in, I think it was 1857. I know it was 9-11, where they murdered, the Mormons murdered all these people. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fucking unknown story, but Google it at home. | ||
| Mormon's Meadows Massacre. | ||
| So, yeah, but what about that Mormon's Meadows? | ||
| And they finally, someone pulled him aside. | ||
| Sir, I'd like to show you something this way. | ||
| And they showed him right out the fucking door, because he wouldn't stop with the Mormon's Meadows Massacre. | ||
| Did you know all about Mitt Romney? | ||
| Did you know the whole Mexico thing? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I'm gonna tell you something so beautiful. | |
| Mitt Romney's family. | ||
| Like, Mitt Romney's dad wanted to be president, but he couldn't be president because he was born in Mexico. | ||
| Because Mitt Romney's family fleed to Mexico when they made polygamy illegal. | ||
| When they made it illegal to marry a bunch of chicks, which is a part of their church, they went, fuck you, we're going to Mexico. | ||
| Because back in the 1800s, it didn't mean anything to live in the United States or Mexico, because everybody's on a fucking horse. | ||
| It's not like being on a horse over here is way more awesome than being on a horse over here. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| You go back and forth as you will. | ||
| I'm near a running stream. | ||
| I'm better than you. | ||
| That's all that mattered. | ||
| Especially in the 1800s. | ||
| The border was nothing. | ||
| It was non-existent. | ||
| So they didn't want to adhere to the new United States laws against their religious freedom to marry 15-12 year olds. | ||
| So they decided to move to Mexico. | ||
| So his whole fucking family's from Mexico. | ||
| Mitt Romney's family, his dad's from Mexico, his mom's from Mexico, they're all a part of the Mormon cult from down there. | ||
| Or religion, as it were. | ||
| But they have fucking guns and they fight off the cartel because they get kidnapped. | ||
| There's a bunch of fucking crazy shit that goes on down there. | ||
| There's a couple of different families. | ||
| And Vice went down there and did a doc on it. | ||
| Notice how I say doc because I'm in the industry. | ||
| I like to abbreviate shit. | ||
| It makes me look cool. | ||
| Twitter trains you to abbreviate. | ||
| I know, it's terrible. | ||
| No, it's good. | ||
| They did one of their hours, one of their videos online. | ||
| I'll just say that. | ||
| Good. | ||
| And it was all about these Mormons that live in Mexico still. | ||
| They have a fucking compound. | ||
| Like an armed, Waco-style compound. | ||
| And that's where he came from. | ||
| So essentially, it's like that guy from David Koresh. | ||
| Imagine David Koresh's son, okay? | ||
| Moves to Mexico and runs for president. | ||
| That is what it's like. | ||
| It's, like, that similar. | ||
| I mean, obviously, like, David Koresh, I guess, like, shot some federal agents and shit like that, so it gets a little trickier. | ||
| This branches out into a whole bunch of... | ||
| Yeah, but these fucking people, they have guns, and they have to fight off the bad guys in Mexico. | ||
| Like, they're stuck down there. | ||
| Like, this is where they've decided to, like, white people that look like they're from fucking Utah and they're living in Mexico. | ||
| It's weird as fuck, man. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| It's real weird. | ||
| But if we started to compound it because our opinions are not popular. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| I'm gonna go to some other country or place where no one fucks with us and we're gonna have this Death Valley party for life. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Definitely why not. | ||
| And you can't blame Mitt Romney for having fucked up parents. | ||
| He's not... | ||
| Down there fucking 12-year-olds. | ||
| He's not Warren Jeffs. | ||
| Well, you can't even blame David Koresh. | ||
| If David Koresh got into a situation where he had a bunch of people and he made them all have their wives sleep with them, like, that's fucking his con. | ||
| If you stop calling it a cult and start calling it a fan base, all of a sudden you're living the free-market American dream. | ||
| Yeah, the problem is you label it. | ||
| It's all about the nomenclature. | ||
| You gotta label it correctly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what the whole Scientology thing was about, the nomenclature of whether it's a church or whether it's so... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That Koresh guy was, like, charismatic, and he had a lot of fans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's really what it is. | ||
| They believe him if they're having a good time? | ||
| Who's to say his comedy stinks? | ||
| Yeah, and, like, these guys, if they want to stay, a deal's a deal. | ||
| You gotta let the cult leader fuck your wife. | ||
| That's just how it goes. | ||
| And it's not like we can't do the same thing in comedy. | ||
| Hey, sorry, buddy. | ||
| She came with me after the show. | ||
| Jesus says it's okay, man. | ||
| Brenda, did you really leave with that comedian? | ||
| How terrible. | ||
| I'm leaving this cult. | ||
| It's funny that even in 2016, there's ones that we'll buy and do, and ones that were like, pfft, that one's fucking stupid. | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's like, as a culture, as a society, there's like, we get the main ones. | ||
| It's almost like political parties. | ||
| Because it's just as ridiculous to have the Democrats, or the Libertarians, or the Green Party, or... | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Just having leaders is ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| All of it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's all some... | ||
| Ancient hominid bullshit that we have stuck in our genetics. | ||
| We think we have to have one leader that stands over all of us and fucking wears a special suit and puts his hand up. | ||
| We all applaud. | ||
| It's retarded. | ||
| It's retarded. | ||
| It's ancient. | ||
| It's so archaic. | ||
| It's just fucking stupid. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're the first guy to not... | ||
| Then you're a dildo. | ||
| Well, someone's gonna have to figure out how to break it. | ||
| Like, they're gonna have to... | ||
| It almost is gonna take... | ||
| And you know what it's gonna take? | ||
| No one running for president. | ||
| A charismatic leader. | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| And there you go. | ||
| You'd have to get a charismatic leader that definitely didn't want to fuck. | ||
| Listen, absolutely, everyone follow me in not following me. | ||
| Yes, that's the move. | ||
| People don't want to fend for themselves. | ||
| I think we're gonna have to come up with, in our lifetime, people are gonna realize that there's a lot of things that are just in place that we were born with, and the people that set them up, they just did not have access to the information that they needed to form those decisions. | ||
| Like, the reason why they started off the Electoral College and all the bullshit that we have to contend with today is because it made sense in 1776. It made sense. | ||
| They were just trying to piece together this thing, but to stick with that, To stick with that today. | ||
| Every time someone says, you know what, in the Constitution it says, well, you know what, if you can make a better constitution, make it. | ||
| If you can make, if that's, you gotta progress. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of things we have to agree on if we want to call ourselves America. | ||
| Because otherwise, we become some, like, you know, we become like a fucking... | ||
| Become like the man show with you and I versus the man show with Adam and Jimmy. | ||
| You become something different with the same name. | ||
| It's like, what is this fucking thing? | ||
| This is not what I signed up for. | ||
| Everybody signed up for America, and the idea of America is supposed to be freedom of speech. | ||
| That's like a big one, right? | ||
| But how many people today are in trouble for talking about shit? | ||
| I mean, how many people today are in trouble for revealing information or talking out about things that they feel... | ||
| Ellsberg versus Snowden, or... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chelsea Manning. | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Ellsberg's a fucking hero. | ||
| I like how you went with Chelsea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I like how you did the correct gender. | ||
| I did. | ||
| Yes, good boy. | ||
| I had a long night full of stimulants and Viagra, and the fucking chick I thought was a short thing... | ||
| Turned out to be a dude? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Bailed out, so... | ||
| Oh, you researched. | ||
| Yeah, so I was online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Just going, hey, Eros guide, is that a dude? | ||
| I can't tell if that's a dude from the picture. | ||
| I'm just going to not call. | ||
| Sometimes better than you porn is looking up hookers you could actually get and then jerking off knowing, you know what, for 800 bucks I could get her, but I'd have to wait 35 minutes. | ||
| If you really think the girl in that photo is actually going to come to your door, they should take your credit card and sell it to India. | ||
| They really should. | ||
| Whatever they do to your credit card, when you fucking call and leave that Visa card for the deposit, they got you. | ||
| I love that people actually buy credit card protection without knowing that, you know what, if you didn't sign for it, it's the credit card that's eating it, not you. | ||
| Where I went to the Bahamas once and came back and there was a charge for $7,000 plus for porcelain tile. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I do when I'm on vacation. | ||
| I buy porcelain kitchen tile. | ||
| $7,000 worth of it. | ||
| Yeah, and the fucking credit card company eats it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because that's what they have to do. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Did anyone steal your identity or steal your credit card? | ||
| We'll protect you against that. | ||
| No, the fucking visa will eat it. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Just leave that shit laying out, and then I'll say, I didn't sign for it. | ||
| I have this idea about information that money, essentially, it doesn't really mean anything anymore, right? | ||
| It's not backed by gold. | ||
| It's just all stored up on a computer somewhere. | ||
| We agree that $100 is $100. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that's data. | ||
| It's not a theory, it's a fact. | ||
| But it's data. | ||
| It's just ones and zeros. | ||
| There's no physical thing. | ||
| Well, the thing, what's happened with technology is technology is bringing people and ideas closer together quicker. | ||
| Like, if you have an idea, you tweet it, a fucking hundred thousand people might get a hold of that idea within a couple of seconds, right? | ||
| Videos. | ||
| You put up a video, it gets crazy, it gets viral. | ||
| A million people might see it in a day or two. | ||
| The more technology improves, the quicker and easier it is to get to people. | ||
| The quicker and easier it is to communicate. | ||
| Well, money is information. | ||
| And communication is just about information. | ||
| We might come a time where the bottleneck is money. | ||
| Like, we can't have possessions in order to be this one. | ||
| In order to everyone connect together in some sort of a weird, artificial evolution-induced... | ||
| Like, connection to technology that we're inevitably gonna have. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| It's gonna happen. | ||
| The bottleneck might be money. | ||
| I think we're gonna get to a point where the money's not real. | ||
| You said I should have been trippin' instead of drinking, because I have no idea what you said, but I nodded a lot. | ||
| I think we're gonna get to a point where there's no more money. | ||
| I think that's what's gonna happen. | ||
| We're gonna get to some weird point We're going to get to a lot of weird points that we're not going to be here for. | ||
| And the difference is you have kids, so you worry about it a little bit more than I do. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You go, wow. | ||
| I mean, everything from a hundred years ago that you could not possibly imagine that are happening now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is happening now. | ||
| Yeah, so a lot of weird shit we can't even imagine will happen, and I just won't be here for it. | ||
| But isn't it really cool at the same time? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's not negative. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Even the loss of money, this idea... | ||
| It's the negative people that are the problem. | ||
| We're global warming, and yeah, shit's going to go underwater, and it's not going to be the Maldives anymore, but it's going to be warmer in Wisconsin and... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You shouldn't be fucking and having that many kids next to a coastline. | ||
| Katrina. | ||
| Oh, we're gonna rebuild New Orleans. | ||
| Oh, the water's rising and you live under the sea level. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Drown your kids, you fucking asshole. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is outrageous. | ||
| You're not going to get to host our event now. | ||
| We're going to have you emcee our event. | ||
| And after that, we have rescinded our offer, Mr. Stanhope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| We cannot endorse your lifestyle. | ||
| Here's one thing. | ||
| Hey, drinkers out there, if you're going to bring your own booze and pour it into a Canada Dry Club soda bottle and you're mixing it with club soda, make sure you realize which club soda is vodka. | ||
| I just poured a whole fuckload of vodka in this, thinking it was a This shit could get real. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I could say the wrong thing. | ||
| That's a lot of vodka. | ||
| That's a lot of vodka. | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| A lot of it's ice. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You're a fucking pro. | ||
| I know. | ||
| As long as I don't try to smoke your weed. | ||
| Then things go south. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It could be worse. | |
| He could be drinking himself sober. | ||
| It's been a long week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What were you just talking about? | |
| You were just saying something that was really interesting. | ||
| What the fuck did you just say just before that? | ||
| Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. | ||
| About worrying about the future more because I have children. | ||
| That's probably true. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| It's not even necessarily worrying. | ||
| It's about, like, if I see a pattern. | ||
| And I see some things happening. | ||
| Like, I see a bunch of things that are moving in a certain direction. | ||
| Because, just like you, I don't have a conventional job. | ||
| I'm not overwhelmed with having to do shit that other people want me to do. | ||
| So most of my day is spent thinking about shit that I want to think about. | ||
| So when I look at this whole weird pattern, I'm like, what are we doing? | ||
| Like, what is this society doing? | ||
| We're some weird fucking builder creature that's making better and better technology every year. | ||
| Because that's ultimately what we're doing. | ||
| Forget about all the shit about the Kardashians and all the shit about the Democrats and the liberals and transgender rights. | ||
| We're making better and better technology. | ||
| All that other stuff just allows us to have fun while we're doing it. | ||
| It just creates conflict and resolutions and $50 hookers and all that shit just rolls up together. | ||
| But at the end of the day, what we're doing is making better and better technology. | ||
| That's all we're doing. | ||
| That's the one constant. | ||
| If we stay alive, we innovate. | ||
| If we stay alive, we keep going. | ||
| But if innovation, if you have to keep making more shit just to make people buy more shit, isn't this shit we have enough? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Yeah, it is rough. | ||
| For us, since we live a comfortable lifestyle. | ||
| There was some story today where if the 62 richest Americans gave away most of their wealth, everyone would live above the poverty line. | ||
| And you go, but then there would be a new poverty line. | ||
| So then those people, at what point do you go, well, I'm rich enough. | ||
| We get enough shit. | ||
| I live above the poverty line because Zuckerberg gave me a bunch of shit. | ||
| And now I live in a one bedroom instead of a tent or a cardboard box. | ||
| Well, then now you live in a one bedroom and you see the guy in the two bedroom and you go, fucking dick. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what's going to happen. | ||
| I'm below the poverty line again. | ||
| Yeah, you're not going to enjoy your studio apartment. | ||
| Fuck that guy with his fucking two bedroom. | ||
| You asshole. | ||
| You rich asshole. | ||
| Poverty line is a statistic just like football. | ||
| Well, there's a problem with getting shit for free. | ||
| There's always a problem with getting shit for free. | ||
| It's not a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You porn I thought was going to give me a cease and desist going... | ||
| Enough! | ||
| This is like free samples at the Safeway, and you just grab the whole fucking tray and ate them all at once? | ||
| You fucking asshole. | ||
| Stop with your cocaine and your Viagra. | ||
| Well, don't they... | ||
| I don't know if this is true, but you can tell me. | ||
| Don't they, like... | ||
| Isn't there like a conflict in the porn industry where the porn people aren't getting paid for those movies and they put them up for free and so like people shouldn't be supporting like those sites like there's like a there's like a dispute and a debate almost like the Napster days when what's his face from Metallica would get really mad. | ||
| Lars, Earl Rich. | ||
| Fucking it. | ||
| People still hate that guy from that. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I always swore if I ever saw him in a show, I would have him escorted out. | ||
| And then one time, you were with me in Mill Valley, the other guy, Kurt something, Hetfield, or whatever his name is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was there, Mill Valley. | |
| He was there, and I said, I always swore if that fucking Lars guy was here, and you're close enough, but I'm not gonna throw you out, and I just started giving him shit about... | ||
| I was, like, the first comic on Napster, like, they had a homepage where... | ||
| They'd feature an artist right before they shut him down. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| And that was the first comic feature when people first started finding my shit underground and then they shut it down because of that fucking Lars cunt. | ||
| And they made their bones off of people bootlegging cassette tapes of them because they couldn't get radio play. | ||
| You're shitting on what made you, you fucking little Weasley. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is he Norwegian? | ||
| What is he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Danish. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| There's no need to disparage an entire race of people just because of one man's actions, Douglas. | ||
| One man. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| He definitely didn't have good friends. | ||
| He definitely didn't have somebody who would give him some good advice. | ||
| I'd litter, too, and I'd kill the whole Indian race just for that one crying fucking guy on that commercial. | ||
| Sorry, that was a stretch. | ||
| That one didn't. | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| I don't point at every one of your jokes. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, if we fail, it's not because we didn't try. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Don't get mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aren't they still mad? | |
| There's only 444,000 hours of a Joe Rogan podcast you can fast-forward to. | ||
| How do you do this? | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| No, but I'm saying you put out like 48 podcasts a week and then you wrestle guys and then you do MMA and then you do 85 hours of stand-up and then... | ||
| I have my own kind of crazy. | ||
| I got my own kind of crazy to deal with. | ||
| Do you sleep? | ||
| Are you one of those guys who sleeps two hours a night? | ||
| No, I sleep good. | ||
| I like to sleep solid six, seven hours a night. | ||
| I'm not saying how do you sleep at night. | ||
| I got to get eight. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Am I like, do I have a problem sleeping? | ||
| No, I'm saying, do you have like, off hours? | ||
| I want to, this is my goal in life, and I've essentially achieved it. | ||
| I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. | ||
| Within reason, within moral and ethical obligations, the law and all that kind of stuff. | ||
| But I don't want, if I decide I want to go to bed at 5 o'clock in the morning, I don't want to hear shit from anybody. | ||
| Like, I don't want anybody telling me you can't go to bed at 5 o'clock in the morning, you can't sleep till 2 in the afternoon. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Tell me why not. | ||
| Why can't I wake up at noon? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| It's just stupid. | ||
| So all my life I've wanted to get to a place where I could go to bed when I wanted to go to bed, within reason, and wake up whenever I want to wake up. | ||
| So then if I decide to get up early, because I have to see my kids at school... | ||
| I decide. | ||
| It's not because I have a boss. | ||
| It's because I want to. | ||
| Because I want to get up. | ||
| I have an obligation to be with the kids, and I enjoy it, and I want to hang out with them. | ||
| I think that if you've got a goal in life, the goal shouldn't be be as successful as you can be. | ||
| It's not a money thing. | ||
| The goal is to make it as much like what shit you would normally do. | ||
| But you're a driven guy. | ||
| My point is the opposite. | ||
| You're always driven to do something. | ||
| It's the same shit every time I talk to a tell. | ||
| Why don't you just take a vacation and just go fucking sit on a beach somewhere because he's always... | ||
| You're positive. | ||
| Attell's always negative. | ||
| I stink. | ||
| I listen to my set. | ||
| My CD's no good. | ||
| Everything stinks. | ||
| He makes me sad like that because he's so brilliant. | ||
| He's such a nice guy. | ||
| I can't imagine either of you going to a remote beach and relaxing. | ||
| Oh, I relax. | ||
| I know how to do that now. | ||
| I learned how to do that. | ||
| Give me an example. | ||
| I go on vacations. | ||
| Where? | ||
| What's the last one? | ||
| Costa Rica went like six months ago with the family. | ||
| Had a great time. | ||
| Did some zip lining. | ||
| Fucking hung out. | ||
| Fed some monkeys. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| There was this thing called... | ||
| We called it a Pikachu. | ||
| I forget what it's called. | ||
| I think it's called a... | ||
| Somethingcito. | ||
| Somethingcito. | ||
| But it looks like a little raccoon. | ||
| But they're fucking super tame because they were hanging around this resort. | ||
| And they're just used to vacationers. | ||
| So they come right up to you and we were feeding them grapes and shit. | ||
| And he got so comfortable with us. | ||
| He took a nap in front of us. | ||
| Fucking thing's lying there. | ||
| Lying down with his fucking... | ||
| Legs up in the air. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Monkey screaming at you. | ||
| Screaming at you. | ||
| Coming over, trying to get food from you. | ||
| Chuck them some fucking Oreos. | ||
| They open the Oreo up and they eat the white part just like a little kid would. | ||
| Like, whoa, how many Oreos have you eaten, monkey? | ||
| So I go on vacation. | ||
| I go on a lot of them, actually, now. | ||
| Not a lot of them. | ||
| Every time you talk about coming to Bisbee, I go, you'd be so bored here. | ||
| We'd do some fun shit. | ||
| You know what we'd do? | ||
| Go get some archery tags for some javelinas and go fuck up some javelinas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I am against hunting. | ||
| Not against it. | ||
| I personally couldn't do it. | ||
| But a javelin, I could kill that motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, you could do it. | ||
| They're rotten beasts. | ||
| Well, when you told me that one killed your neighbor's dog. | ||
| Yeah, killed the fucking... | ||
| Then they hang around in packs. | ||
| They're like coyotes. | ||
| They're fucking awful. | ||
| They're little demons. | ||
| They're little demons. | ||
| If they didn't exist, if they weren't real, you'd be like, whoa, these are cat-eating, dog-eating little demons. | ||
| They just don't have the courage to go after a person. | ||
| But they would if your child was out there. | ||
| They're blind. | ||
| If somebody put a baby on the side of a Toyota Tundra and just drove a few hundred miles on the road and just left that baby there for an hour and those peccaries, that's what they are. | ||
| They're peccaries. | ||
| They're not even pigs. | ||
| Javelin, everybody thinks is a pig. | ||
| A pig is a different species. | ||
| It's a different animal. | ||
| That's that fucking creepy fucker. | ||
| That's a peccary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Peccary? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It looks a lot like a pig, but it's not. | ||
| My neighborhood is three streets and then hills to the Mexican border. | ||
| And I can tell when a pack of javelina are coming by the dogs barking. | ||
| Like, okay, dogs are barking on that block. | ||
| Now they're barking on this block. | ||
| And I go, oh, a pack of javelina is traveling that way. | ||
| That's so cool that you live in a place that has these things. | ||
| It's so interesting. | ||
| Yeah, they're like rats in fucking Vancouver behind the Rickshaw Theater. | ||
| Always be branding. | ||
| They're like little demons, man. | ||
| Like, if they didn't exist, and there was this hairy thing in a movie that would chase after people's dogs and tear them apart. | ||
| Yeah, that's where I'm the opposite of Ted Nugent. | ||
| I would kill that and use none of it. | ||
| But they're good. | ||
| You can eat them. | ||
| They're similar to a pig in a lot of ways. | ||
| Yeah, people in Louisiana eat shit they find on the road, too. | ||
| But you can. | ||
| You can eat a lot of things. | ||
| If you're in Shackleton's party, you can eat your shoe until you can find some seal blubber. | ||
| You can eat anything. | ||
| I think they taste good. | ||
| I think javelin is supposed to taste a lot. | ||
| Very pig-like. | ||
| Like wild pig, like wild boar, which tastes good. | ||
| I think you have to make it in sausages and shit, but people like it. | ||
| I brought Burger King. | ||
| You know why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You hate Burger King. | |
| I hate Burger King, and I told the Uber driver, I go, listen, I tweeted, I go, I'm afraid to be early because this is a weird, empty, industrial lot. | ||
| That I don't want to be sitting out in front of, cold, and waiting for you to show up. | ||
| And I don't want to be late, because you don't want to be late. | ||
| But I wanted to eat, so I told the Uber driver, we're going to be early, so we'll find some fast food, I'll tip you extra. | ||
| There's a fucking In-N-Out burger on the way up here. | ||
| Well, on the exit, there's nothing but this fucking industrial area. | ||
| This is an In-N-Out burger a mile away. | ||
| This is my Burger King. | ||
| Fuck Burger King. | ||
| Burger King only exists where nothing else is available. | ||
| So you get off that exit, there's an industrial park or Burger King. | ||
| Because if Burger King's next to anything else, you wouldn't eat anything. | ||
| Okay, if Burger King's next to McDonald's, you would go with McDonald's. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You know why I agree with you? | ||
| If Burger King was next to Payless Shoes, I'd go with Shoes. | ||
| I said that I'm surprised that every time I watch Naked and Afraid, they don't stumble into a Burger King where there's no other option. | ||
| They're the fucking worst, but I had to because there's nothing else around. | ||
| McDonald's brought the fucking breakfast menu to all day, but they didn't bring the McGriddle. | ||
| They didn't bring their greatest creation. | ||
| That pancake thing with sausage and cheese, it's the greatest creation they've ever made. | ||
| You can't have it all day. | ||
| They have a limited breakfast menu, but today on Newser, McDonald's soaring because they brought breakfast all day. | ||
| And if you know my body of work, one of my biggest beefs ever is no breakfast after 11. Because as comics, we're not usually up before 11. And I like breakfast. | ||
| And it makes no sense. | ||
| I'm not going to do the bit. | ||
| The point is that McDonald's brought breakfast all day. | ||
| I love the fucking sausage burrito. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| I heard that's a good one. | ||
| And their numbers are going through the roof. | ||
| I just can't take a risk. | ||
| Because if I'm hungry, I look forward to egg McMuffins. | ||
| They're so bad that I don't want just a regular egg McMuffin. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| That little circular ham. | ||
| Circular for no apparent reason. | ||
| Perfectly circular ham. | ||
| Like as if... | ||
| As if that even was related to a pig's ass. | ||
| Oh no, they breed the pigs in cylinders. | ||
| They breed them in sewer tunnels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They pack them in there and slice them thin. | |
| I think they're actually peccaries. | ||
| Peccaries? | ||
| But anyway, I'm addicted to those fucking things. | ||
| I love Egg McMuffin. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| Like, if I'm coming home and I'm hungry, I don't feel guilty about eating eggs and English muffins. | ||
| It's pretty simple and straightforward. | ||
| A little bit of processed cheese, but whatever. | ||
| Some fucking fake ham. | ||
| Well, you also work out like a motherfucker. | ||
| I have friends in Alaska that would party so hard How are you in such... | ||
| Well, they party that hard and then go to the gym for three hours and lift really hard. | ||
| I don't do the second part. | ||
| Yeah, that's going to be a problem. | ||
| He's gonna be a problem with this crazy lifestyle. | ||
| Everyone's been saying this for fucking 20 years. | ||
| Eventually. | ||
| You always have this conversation with me where you're like, how many fucking surgeries do you have? | ||
| Yeah, when you were just talking today about the fucking thing they did to your knee and putting plates and screws and drilling shit into your knee. | ||
| Well, we're talking about morphine, right? | ||
| Well, you had to go through that to get to morphine. | ||
| I could go straight to morphine. | ||
| That was 94. And skip the bad knee. | ||
| That was an early one. | ||
| That was an early surgery. | ||
| I've had a gang of them since. | ||
| Things break, man. | ||
| They do on me, too. | ||
| I got, like, three hernias work, and I don't lift anything. | ||
| If you get them fixed, it's so easy. | ||
| Eddie Bravo got two of them fixed at the same time. | ||
| They just stick these... | ||
| They have this webbing they put underneath you. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| I got the umbilical one fixed. | ||
| Did you get it fixed? | ||
| Yeah, but the other two... | ||
| I got a ventral where you're... | ||
| Abdominal, what would be your six-pack if I had one? | ||
| That splits apart. | ||
| Not a problem. | ||
| But the ventral, that's the inguinal. | ||
| That's the groin hernia. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| One word is why I don't fix those. | ||
| Catheter. | ||
| Oh, they have to put a tube in your dick hole. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Which I would have done if I was coked up after being dumped, calling hookers, and I'm getting a dominatrix. | ||
| Yes, but... | ||
| What about a morphine drip? | ||
| One of those ones that I got, the little button with your thumb, click, click, click, click, click. | ||
| I'd rather have a dominatrix do it fucking solid and go, you're going to just take this fucking catheter, aren't you, you faggot boy? | ||
| See, I'm so different than you. | ||
| What I would like to do, I would like to drink a bottle of NyQuil and listen to some David Bowie. | ||
| Just get there. | ||
| Ground control to Major Tom. | ||
| Just let them do their stuff. | ||
| It doesn't even involve me. | ||
| I'm up here in space. | ||
| I'm up here in space. | ||
| I don't have time. | ||
| I don't have time to think about that catheter. | ||
| That catheter is not a part of me. | ||
| How many surgeries have you had? | ||
| Not that many, honestly. | ||
| My nose, both my knees. | ||
| Wait, your nose? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a deviated septum, and I also had a bunch of blood that had pooled up inside the walls of my nose and become calcified, like a cauliflower ear. | ||
| You ever see like a wrestler's ear? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I had that in there too. | ||
| They had to carve out some holes, and they had to do something called trim your turbinates. | ||
| Your turbinates are like, I guess there's like these bumps inside the side of your nose, and they clean those and flatten them down. | ||
| I broke my nose when I was five. | ||
| I fell down a flight of stairs, even before martial arts, smashed my nose. | ||
| I remember crying and blood and snot, and my nose has always been crooked, even since then. | ||
| And then from that time on, I don't know how many... | ||
| Nobody ever says Rogan's gorgeous except for the nose. | ||
| But it's been broken a bunch of times. | ||
| But nothing compared to some people I know, man. | ||
| I know dudes who've had dozens of nose breaks. | ||
| I've had at least probably six or seven. | ||
| When you hear people bitching about athletes making too much money, they... | ||
| A professional athlete will have several surgeries in a season. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Football, right? | ||
| If your dad's getting a hernia surgery, you'll fly back from college because you never know. | ||
| And these guys just have surgery. | ||
| That's the big argument for steroids. | ||
| That's the biggest argument for steroids. | ||
| Steroids rapidly improve your ability to recover. | ||
| Rapidly improve. | ||
| So if these guys get a surgery, like a, you know, Achilles tendon or some shit like that, the difference between recovery when you do steroids and recovery on the natch, fucking giant difference. | ||
| I mean, absolutely gigantic difference. | ||
| They're not taking this stuff just for performance. | ||
| They're also taking this stuff for recovery. | ||
| It's in, in my opinion, I mean, done correctly, you should allow all athletes to do that, whether it's martial artists, whether it's anybody. | ||
| The problem is, if you're talking about a knee surgery, The real problem is you can get gains from that that will be permanent. | ||
| There's a certain percentage of those gains. | ||
| Gains meaning you gain speed, explosiveness, just from taking these steroids while you're going through rehabilitation because of surgery. | ||
| So it is tricky. | ||
| It is tricky because that cheating, whether it's playing football or what have you, that cheating will be permanent. | ||
| You'll be a different person. | ||
| You literally will be more explosive. | ||
| Maybe even only fractionally so, maybe a half of 1% or something, but it's measurable. | ||
| They can measure. | ||
| The tissues, they can measure the amount of gains you keep. | ||
| There's been some studies on it, so it's tricky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's problematic. | |
| How much explosiveness do you need as we near 50 years old? | ||
| It's a hobby of mine. | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I enjoy training. | ||
| It helps me. | ||
| For me, personally, we talked about I do too many things or I do a lot of different things. | ||
| One of the things that it seems like I have to do in order to stay... | ||
| Even is that I have to do a lot of physical activity. | ||
| If I don't do a lot of physical activity, whether it's like anything, I could go hiking, I could work out, I could do something, but if I don't push my body and drain some energy out, then I don't feel my best. | ||
| I feel uneven. | ||
| I don't feel relaxed enough. | ||
| I have to drain the battery. | ||
| So for me, to keep my sanity and perspective and clarity, I have to drain the battery. | ||
| That's why I do it. | ||
| The best way to do that... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I thought you were going to say cocktails. | |
| That works, too. | ||
| Everybody's got their own way. | ||
| Problem is, my way is prejudiced against... | ||
| People are prejudiced against my way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My way is the way of the meathead. | |
| You can always find someone who's, oh, fuck, he brought whiskey. | ||
| I thought I should just bring whiskey. | ||
| We got a lot of Jack Daniels up in this bitch. | ||
| I've been drinking Jack and Coke, but what I don't like is the Coke. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a fan of the Coke. | ||
| Drinking Coke or Red Bull or anything like that feels worse than, like, if you... | ||
| I'd rather do methamphetamine, which is the worst drug ever. | ||
| I talk myself into putting the Coke in there so I don't feel like a deviant. | ||
| Just drink it straight, Jack Daniels. | ||
| It seems like something someone is reckless. | ||
| Not if you drink it on the rocks in a proper rocks glass. | ||
| The nectar of the gods, baby. | ||
| You tinkle the glass and then you sip it. | ||
| Isn't that what Sinatra called it? | ||
| Isn't that like part of a Jack Daniels commercial? | ||
| The nectar of the gods, baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was one of the last... | |
| No, I think it was a commercial for Jack Daniels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was there? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty sure it was a commercial for Jack Daniels that featured Sinatra talking about Jack Daniels, calling it the nectar of the gods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was during one of his shows in Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Sands or something? | |
| Well, yeah, you know, they had that Rat Pack era, which is like one of the most amazing times. | ||
| Here, we'll listen to it. | ||
| Put your headphones on real quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this the one where he does it? | |
| I can't get to this whole fucking commercial, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the end. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You gotta, you gotta fucking try these in advance, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| Either way, the point is, no one was tweeting Sinatra going, don't die on us, man! | ||
| Right, they didn't know any better back then. | ||
| They didn't think you were gonna die. | ||
| First of all, they thought cigarettes would make you healthy, right? | ||
| That's back when, like, did you see the, uh, have you seen the Leonardo DiCaprio movie on, um... | ||
| Wolf of Wall Street? | ||
| No, the one... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The one where he played the FBI guy, J. Edgar Hoover. | ||
| The J. Edgar Hoover one, J. Edgar Hoover's mom was talking about him being sickly and how the doctor had prescribed him cigarettes. | ||
| And she'd be smoking cigarettes to become more robust. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Always wrong. | ||
| Don't... | ||
| Back then they were fucking wrong. | ||
| And J. Edgar Hoover sadly died when he was, what, 35? | ||
| No, he lived a full fucking life. | ||
| He did. | ||
| Dressed like a chick. | ||
| Unfortunately, but still. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So when you keep tweeting me, don't die on us, man. | ||
| I know I live an unhealthy lifestyle as far as we know, but I'm enjoying it. | ||
| So until you're a fucking doctor who's prescient better than the doctors who said J. Edgar Hoover's mother should be more robust from smoking cigarettes... | ||
| Well, you're a study, in a way. | ||
| If I was a scientist or a doctor who was trying to study people that are healthy and happy and why, I would study you because I would be like, well, here's this guy that's doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. | ||
| He's smoking, he's drinking, but he appears relatively healthy in comparison to a lot of other people that are not doing those things but are working full-time... | ||
| Solless, thankless jobs, and they're the same age. | ||
| Like, if I followed your happiness meter, like if it was a scorecard, and it was like a fucking college basketball game, and I could look at the happiness meter, you would be a dominating victory. | ||
| Over the 9 to 5. Over the normal 47-year-old guy. | ||
| I'm not saying it doesn't have its downfalls. | ||
| I wake up in sheer terror and I wake up... | ||
| Even when I'm home, I go, I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And I go right to Delta.com and see what the next flight... | ||
| And then I chill out and then I... Ease back in. | ||
| There's down times to this. | ||
| I'm not saying, oh, I'm happy all the time being a fucking drunk and a chain smoker. | ||
| But we all are freaking out. | ||
| I mean, this is like a core tenet of being a human being. | ||
| If you're paying attention, you're freaking out about your expiration date. | ||
| You're freaking out about the fact that this is a finite... | ||
| Experience. | ||
| It's gonna end. | ||
| And we don't know when and we don't know why. | ||
| And we're getting closer. | ||
| Yeah, and we're getting closer every day. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| It could have happened when you were two. | ||
| Happens to a lot of people at two. | ||
| Could have happened in a car accident when you're five. | ||
| Could have happened to a lot of people in car accidents when they're five. | ||
| But it's guys like you that make me feel like shit about just sitting and watching Netflix for four straight days not getting up other than to piss or get a snack. | ||
| But you enjoy that time. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I wish I could just go, hey, I'm just me. | ||
| Why can't I enjoy? | ||
| Why do I have to always think I see someone who can dance? | ||
| And I go, I'll never be able to dance. | ||
| I don't excel at any of... | ||
| Rather than focusing on what I do well, I too much focus on what other people do that I can't. | ||
| That's where obsessive struggle comes into play, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Because obsessive struggle, what I'm really into... | ||
| Is that what you call fucking groping men? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's jiu-jitsu. | ||
| But my obsessive struggle, it'll fall in everything. | ||
| Everything I do. | ||
| I'm not against groping men. | ||
| I shoot like a hundred arrows a day. | ||
| Archery, like I just shoot at targets. | ||
| I love practicing. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Okay, that's a great example. | ||
| If I shot a hundred arrows a day, I would be thinking, why am I not doing more with my life? | ||
| Like no matter what you do, I think I should be doing something other people that I respect are doing, but you do what you do and I just I can't get comfortable with just doing what I do no matter what it is. | ||
| I see someone else who does something I can't do and Well, I can't do that. | ||
| Maybe this will help. | ||
| This is some insight. | ||
| Here's one thing that's true. | ||
| If I have things to do and I don't do them, and I go shoot those arrows, then I feel like a fucking loser. | ||
| That's one weird thing. | ||
| Like, I can't just go fuck off. | ||
| Unless you hit a bunch of fucking bullseyes in a row. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't matter. | |
| Still feel like a loser. | ||
| That took me until I was in my 40s to realize that I can't have anything. | ||
| The price you pay for fucking off on something, the price you pay in mental mortgage is never worth it. | ||
| It's just not worth it. | ||
| If I have shit that I have to get done, I have to get it done. | ||
| Because if I don't get it done, it's going to fucking haunt me. | ||
| What is get it done? | ||
| And what is within reason? | ||
| And that's what I had to hit my 40s before I realized there's a point of diminishing return. | ||
| What is have to? | ||
| Well, it's like... | ||
| Have to get done. | ||
| Yeah, you have to take care of your kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Normal shit. | |
| But other shit, like exercise. | ||
| Because if I don't exercise, I do fucking freak out. | ||
| Because my body's just so used to it. | ||
| It's been doing it for so many years. | ||
| If I don't do some form of rigorous exercise, my body's like, come on, bitch. | ||
| What are you going to make us just sit around all day? | ||
| I understand that, but we all have different standards or perceptions of what we have to do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| You go, what do I really have to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I would consistently, obsessively make lists of shit I have to do. | ||
| And then I would find one from, you know, a year, six months ago. | ||
| That I lost and made a new list. | ||
| I didn't have to do any of that shit. | ||
| I think I have to do shit. | ||
| That's definitely true. | ||
| You definitely don't have to do anything. | ||
| You just have to survive, right? | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| But if you want to try to achieve something, like if you want to try... | ||
| If you have a Netflix special that you're going to film in six months, and you decide, I am going to piece together a perspective, and I'm going to try to get this material, and I'm going to try to take it on the road, but I'm going to need to have some life experiences. | ||
| So, I'm going to need to go to the Museum of Creationism that's in Kentucky. | ||
| I'm going to go there, I'm going to fucking sit down, I'm going to talk to the people, I'm going to gather some information. | ||
| If you have some shit that you want to do, then you have some shit that you need to do in order to accomplish the thing that you want to do. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| But it's only on your choice. | ||
| But that's when it's at its best. | ||
| And that's the beautiful thing about what you're doing, what I've been able to do. | ||
| Many people that are listening to this that are self-employed or they're artists or that are trying to do that, that's the ultimate goal, is to do what you're doing. | ||
| It's deciphering between what you have to do for you versus what... | ||
| You think you have to do for other people or to live up to the fans or to whatever. | ||
| What do I actually have to do versus what I think I'm supposed to do? | ||
| And that's what I can't get rid of. | ||
| So I always think I'm supposed to do, so I have to. | ||
| Well, here's a key. | ||
| Here's one key that I've found. | ||
| This is just my personal perspective. | ||
| Kettlebells, people. | ||
| That's what you have to do. | ||
| Kettlebells. | ||
| No, don't get an assistant. | ||
| When you get an assistant, you're just putting a band-aid on a problem. | ||
| The problem is your life's gotten too complicated for one person. | ||
| I have Brian. | ||
| That's who I am. | ||
| You guys have a partnership. | ||
| This is a completely different experience. | ||
| You have an assistant. | ||
| No, I don't have an assistant. | ||
| I don't have an assistant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But did you? | |
| No, never. | ||
| I won't do it. | ||
| I won't have anybody who makes phone calls for me. | ||
| Have you ever got a phone call from someone? | ||
| Hold for Bud, please. | ||
| My friend Bud would do that. | ||
| I'd call his goddamn cell phone, and the woman would go, Bud, cell phone? | ||
| I'm like, Bud! | ||
| You're not that much of a big shot, you fuck! | ||
| Answer your goddamn cell phone! | ||
| It ain't that hard! | ||
| I guarantee you Tom Cruise answers his own fucking cell phone. | ||
| There's a few people that just, they have someone who does everything for them. | ||
| And essentially they become like mommy. | ||
| And then it allows you to focus entirely on your task at hand, which is to feed this machine that you've created of employees and fucking hairdressers and all these different people that follow you that you have to carry around with you. | ||
| You become like an ecosystem. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| No assistance. | ||
| As soon as you need another person to figure out fucking where you're going and what you're doing and show you what your calendar is, you fucked up. | ||
| You got too crazy. | ||
| Stay low-key. | ||
| Because you're gonna absorb that assistance problems, too. | ||
| You're gonna absorb that assistance fucking pill thing. | ||
| Yeah, fucking all sorts of issues. | ||
| Taxes. | ||
| They never pay their taxes. | ||
| You're gonna take those fuckers in, man. | ||
| They're gonna be like stray dogs. | ||
| You're gonna have real problems. | ||
| Or a great friendship and, you know, a wonderful relationship. | ||
| You just gotta be lucky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you said that was the first thing? | |
| Yeah, don't have any fucking assistance, man. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| Don't do shit you don't want to do when you don't have to do it anymore. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| A lot of times people get famous, and they get successful, and they get wealthy, and then they start thinking, I just gotta fucking keep this going. | ||
| We need to do movies, man. | ||
| We're gonna fucking do our own soundtrack. | ||
| You don't have to do any of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do that. | |
| Don't do that. | ||
| Go back to when you and I were 21. You started when you were like 24? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was 21. 23. But essentially, we were in our early 20s. | ||
| What did we want to do? | ||
| We wanted to fucking make a living telling jokes and be the greatest thing ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wanted to get pussy. | |
| And I couldn't sing karaoke? | ||
| Yeah, get pussy, sing karaoke, and make a living... | ||
| No, I couldn't sing karaoke, but comedy was a thing I could go up and sign on a list and then try to get pussy. | ||
| Okay, so that's the embryonic stage. | ||
| But once you became a full multi-celled organism, when you became an actual guy who was trying to put together an act, what was the ultimate goal? | ||
| I just wanted to do it. | ||
| I wanted to be able to do it well. | ||
| I wanted to be... | ||
| You didn't want to have a day job. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| You want to be a pro comic, right? | ||
| That was a long time. | ||
| I spent three years of just going, I can't believe I'm driving to Montana 18 hours to get free cheese cubes at a happy hour and 125 bucks. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'm doing it! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did a gig with this kid named Scott Papakuri on a place called Block Island. | ||
| We stayed in a fucking storage house where they stored canned goods. | ||
| They had canned stock. | ||
| It was an island you had to go to. | ||
| The people were so drunk, they were barely alive. | ||
| The audience was filming. | ||
| There was no comedy to be had. | ||
| I never even got on stage. | ||
| They canceled the show when he got on stage. | ||
| He got on stage, he told 10 minutes of jokes, he fucking cut the mic off. | ||
| It was over. | ||
| It was a disastrous, horrific fucking set. | ||
| Have you had more fun since? | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| It was a good time. | ||
| It was a good time. | ||
| He used to have another gig called the Matapoiset Inn. | ||
| It was in Mattapoisette, Massachusetts. | ||
| It was like a hotel. | ||
| And then downstairs, there was this lobby that inexplicably had one of the best comedy rooms in all of Massachusetts. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Guys like Teddy Bergeron, Lenny Clark, they would headline down there. | ||
| Don Gavin, they would headline down there. | ||
| And I worked there at Gang of Times with the same dude. | ||
| So I assumed that this gig was going to be like his other gig, which was amazing. | ||
| But it was a new gig. | ||
| So we got in a boat. | ||
| We took off to some fucking stupid island in the middle of nowhere where these people are just drinking themselves to death. | ||
| Huzzah! | ||
| They were monsters. | ||
| They were just drunk, bloated monsters. | ||
| There was this woman. | ||
| She looks like Don Barris with a dress and a giant red Winston Churchill like Gin Blossom's face. | ||
| I almost got her off Eros Guide last night, but go ahead. | ||
| She's worth it. | ||
| She was just screaming at this guy who was on stage. | ||
| I'll never forget her. | ||
| I... I glorified the early days when I was in them. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I look back at some shit and go, ah, that's probably worse. | ||
| But most of the time I go, I can't believe I'm doing this in the moment. | ||
| I was having so much fun, fucking the ugliest strippers in the world, and just happy. | ||
| But that's before people had expectations. | ||
| And as soon as I got whatever level of popular I am, there's people who expect something and like, ah, fuck. | ||
| God damn it, I have to work. | ||
| Can't just go up on stage and eat a plate of nachos and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. | ||
| They paid good money now. | ||
| The transition has come full circle. | ||
| Are you OCD? Because I just drank straight off your bottle. | ||
| My herpes is only on my dick. | ||
| That's not OCD, is it? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That'd be germphobic. | ||
| If I was germphobic, I wouldn't be letting dudes sweat in my mouth. | ||
| Dudes have sweated in my eyeballs. | ||
| My ears. | ||
| I'm a guy sweating my ears. | ||
| I guess you couldn't be hand sanitizer guy and wrestle dudes in a fucking 69 position. | ||
| Well, not only that, but I'll do a 3,000 seat show and I'll go outside and take pictures with everybody. | ||
| I'll shake hundreds of hands. | ||
| Jesus, I remember the time you brought me to UFC in Vegas. | ||
| The only time I've seen it live. | ||
| And you walked through the crowd as they're all lined up to get in. | ||
| This monster aggro fucking... | ||
| And just everyone's just glomming. | ||
| Joe, can we get a picture? | ||
| You can't get a picture with 3,000 fucking people that are in line. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| But you just walk through like your fucking Moses Parton sees. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Gotta go. | ||
| Gotta go. | ||
| I have three people when I'm trying to rush out and I'm like, I'm such a fucking dick. | ||
| I try to run out the back door like Hedberg used to do. | ||
| Hedberg was legendary on a one-nighter with a hundred people, not asking for autographs because he's not famous, but he couldn't even deal with people giving him feedback. | ||
| He'd just run out the back door. | ||
| It's definitely an issue if you really are worried about that, if you're thinking about feedback, or if you're just worried about interacting with these people. | ||
| It's a weighted conversation. | ||
| They like you and you don't know them. | ||
| So it's weighted. | ||
| And the problem with weighted conversations, the big one, is that those can become intoxicating. | ||
| And you could only want to have a weighted conversation. | ||
| You only want to have conversations with people who adore you. | ||
| Those are terrible choices. | ||
| That's a reality that only exists for very few people. | ||
| It's not in our code. | ||
| We don't understand how to handle that. | ||
| Especially when it comes to you for no reasons like you're a child actor on a television show and you've never known anything else. | ||
| That's an impossible mathematical equation to ask some little kid to grow up in. | ||
| You are going to grow up and you're going to have requirements on you that no human being is going to be able to commiserate with. | ||
| No one's going to understand. | ||
| You're essentially a prince. | ||
| You're born and you're five years old. | ||
| You're on a TV show and the world screams whenever they see you on television. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I didn't see the movie, but I got cut out of it. | ||
| But I saw a trailer, the Chris Rock movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take five? | |
| Take five. | ||
| And I believe in the trailer, he says, that's the problem with being a celebrity is you can only complain to other celebrities. | ||
| Well, Chris Rock is in that level. | ||
| I think that's his line in that movie. | ||
| I didn't watch it because I got cut out of it. | ||
| He's so famous, we can't be friends with him. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, we're not famous enough to be friends with Chris Rock. | ||
| I say hi to him, and I go, hey, what's up, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice to meet you. | |
| And I get the fuck away from him! | ||
| He's too famous. | ||
| You know, like, every time Dave Chappelle and I hang out, I can't even believe we're talking. | ||
| He was at my 30th surprise birthday party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Which one? | ||
| Where was that? | ||
| Dave Chappelle. | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| Farfallo or something. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| That's what I was dating. | ||
| That's before I met you, probably. | ||
| I was dating Christine Hodge. | ||
| No, we were our third. | ||
| You're 48? | ||
| You're 48? | ||
| Yeah, you're a month before me. | ||
| You're older than me. | ||
| You're an old elderly man to me. | ||
| I'm your elder. | ||
| I'm a March, you're a February. | ||
| So if I come to the airport, I expect you to be there for the sign that says, Elder Rogan. | ||
| Elder Rogan. | ||
| We'll make our own Friars Club and you're going to have to get me in. | ||
| But if we were both 30 in L.A. at the same time, then you had to be in L.A. because that was 97. Were you in LA in 97? | ||
| Farfalla, yeah. | ||
| Christine Hodge made the surprise. | ||
| That's when we met, right? | ||
| It was around then. | ||
| You were in the book when I met you because I met you when my mother was on stage at the Union. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And someone said, Joe Rogan wants to meet you because he heard you have the same kind of comedy. | ||
| And my mother was on stage and you came in and I tried to drag you out so you wouldn't have to see... | ||
| I think Joey Diaz might have been the instigator. | ||
| I think Joey Diaz might have said, you gotta fucking meet Doug Stanhope. | ||
| He's one of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's one of us. | |
| He's a fucking soldier. | ||
| Because that was when Diaz was trying to figure out how to be Diaz. | ||
| Like, Diaz, between 96 and 98, was in his, like, hatching phase. | ||
| And then he burst out of his egg and became Joey Diaz in 99. And I'll never forget it. | ||
| Because I used to take him on the road with me, and all of a sudden I couldn't follow him. | ||
| Like around 98, I couldn't follow him. | ||
| I was like, fuck! | ||
| I wouldn't want to follow that guy. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| We were in West Orange, New Jersey, the same place where the guy bought for the comedian. | ||
| He bought a bunch of fucking NyQuil bottles that I was talking about earlier. | ||
| Yeah, same place. | ||
| I brought in Joey. | ||
| And this is also the same place where Joey notoriously would just... | ||
| He was a wild man. | ||
| He'd just disappear. | ||
| Shit would go wrong or right. | ||
| He'd have a fucking big bag of coke with some crazy girl and he'd be holed up and he'd never make it to a show. | ||
| So I didn't want to not use Joey anymore. | ||
| So I started bringing Ari on the road with me, other guys on the road with me as well. | ||
| So if Joey didn't show up, at least I had like one opening act. | ||
| I got booked at Uncle Funnies in Davie, Florida with Otto and George because he had such a reputation of not showing up for shows because he was a crack addict. | ||
| That they build it as a XXX show so they would co-headline us in case he went on a crack binge, I could cover the time because we're both of an ilk of XXX. Yeah, you'd fit right in there. | ||
| Well, back then, I could do... | ||
| It was just all dick jokes. | ||
| It's XXX. I'm not on you porn. | ||
| I did a bunch of Jersey Shore gigs with Otto and George. | ||
| Otto was awesome. | ||
| He was such a weird, soft-spoken, almost like a guy who... | ||
| He looked at old-school vaudevillian times. | ||
| He had this affection for those days. | ||
| We used to do these prom shows in Dangerfields. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you do prom shows with Otto and George? | |
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| I did. | ||
| Do your listeners know Otto and George? | ||
| Oh, you have to. | ||
| If you're a fan of comedy, I'll go out and say this. | ||
| He's the greatest puppet act of all time, right? | ||
| Well, he's the only puppet act that a comic would appreciate. | ||
| He stunk at ventriloquism, but his jokes were so awful, and he never changed them, and he never cared. | ||
| This is my favorite. | ||
| Madonna's such a whore, her pussy has a drawstring like a laundry bag. | ||
| I watched him in Florida. | ||
| That time he showed up. | ||
| He had some fucking classes. | ||
| And I would goad him into doing it, even though there was a partial audience that was black. | ||
| Don't you hate black guys with tattoos? | ||
| You're doing a great impression, by the way. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds just like George. | |
| Hey, brother, look at my tattoo! | ||
| Look at my tattoo! | ||
| I can't see your tattoo! | ||
| You should have done it in Whiteout, you filthy circus ape! | ||
| I walked out of the room on that one when there were black people in the audience. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You filthy circus ape. | ||
| He had some fucking relentlessly brutal shows. | ||
| That was the puppet talking, for the record. | ||
| The puppet got stabbed. | ||
| Yeah, I heard. | ||
| At Dangerfields in New York. | ||
| Yeah, I always thought that was an urban legend, but he confirmed it. | ||
| No, he told me about it. | ||
| He told me his mouth to my ears. | ||
| He told me his fucking puppet got stabbed. | ||
| He told me one of the most fucked up I've ever been, and I only remember because there was coke involved, and then you remember. | ||
| Coke makes you remember? | ||
| Oh yeah, it makes you alert and going, I shouldn't be able to drink this much. | ||
| But it was me and Otto and George. | ||
| It was 2005 in Montreal. | ||
| And it was me and Otto and George and Dylan Moran in a fucking hotel room at the Montreal Comedy Festival. | ||
| And I thought, I'm going to die. | ||
| I'm definitely going to die. | ||
| And the other people are going to die before me. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Fucking Dylan Moran falling asleep with lit cigarettes, waiting for more cocktails to be brought up to the room. | ||
| I was at the fucking gas station in Hollywood right next to the Laugh Factory the other night, driving home. | ||
| I never try. | ||
| I try to never get gas. | ||
| Hang on, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| If you're ever near the Laugh Factory and you need gas, we're going to stop and do a commercial break. | ||
| Go to the... | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| This fucking guy walks up to me and he's cracked out of his head. | ||
| There's something wrong. | ||
| Something wrong. | ||
| He's asking a bunch of weird fucking questions. | ||
| He's real speedy and fucked and he's smoking and When I went to pump gas someone had done some fucking sneaky trick where You know you press like what gauge do you want you press the button you pull the thing out they had left it already pulled back and And locked in place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So when I pulled it out, it started spraying gasoline. | |
| So I let it go. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And I undo the little thing that keeps it on, but there's gas all over the floor. | ||
| And then I start pumping gas in my car, and this guy walks up with a cigarette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| And he's got a cigarette just a few fucking feet from this gas that's on the ground. | ||
| And if the guy decided to just throw the cigarette on the ground... | ||
| I mean, we are literally depending upon the choices of a fucking moron To not have my car blow up, me die. | ||
| I'm literally thinking right now, I might have to sprint out of this position. | ||
| Because have you ever seen what happens to people when they get in those... | ||
| They say that you shouldn't even have a cell phone out. | ||
| There's potential for a cell phone to have a spark. | ||
| And that spark ignites the fumes. | ||
| That fumes ignites the gas. | ||
| And people have died like that. | ||
| It's very rare. | ||
| But it's one of those, the right amount of humidity in the air, the right amount of static electricity. | ||
| Weird shit can happen. | ||
| This fucking guy's just standing there with a cigarette, and he goes, hey, this is a nice car, man. | ||
| Where'd you get it? | ||
| I go, I got it from a car store. | ||
| And then the guy in the fucking loudspeaker's going, sir, will you step away from the pumps? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You cannot be smoking a cigarette while you're standing in the pumps. | |
| So this guy is angry now because they're suggesting that he shouldn't be near the pump. | ||
| So then he holds his hand up over where the gas is. | ||
| And it's getting real touch and go, man. | ||
| It's real touch and go. | ||
| And I'm like, I am not gonna fucking burn to death for some moron. | ||
| And I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do. | ||
| Like, what do I do? | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Do I jump out of the way? | ||
| Or do I just charge at this guy? | ||
| Like, there's one of two things that's gonna happen. | ||
| Either I'm gonna jump out of the way, and he's gonna light this whole fucking place on fire, and I might get to the road, I might get to Laurel Canyon before the fucking gigantic explosion hits, and all these fucking houses go up in flames, and And that's how it happens. | ||
| One asshole. | ||
| One stupid fucking asshole looking at me. | ||
| I didn't finger you when you were six. | ||
| I don't have any idea what happened to you that got you to this position. | ||
| But here you are, fucked up on something, looking at me, and you're holding a cigarette over where the gasoline spilled on the ground because the guy in the fucking speaker booth has chosen to pick on you. | ||
| It got real weird, man. | ||
| Weird when you said finger you when you were six because you were obviously doing a black guy. | ||
| No, it wasn't a black guy. | ||
| Oh, well, I thought it was a black guy. | ||
| He was Latino. | ||
| And when you said finger you when you were six, I thought you meant point you out of a lineup. | ||
| That's how racist I am. | ||
| There was something wrong with this dude. | ||
| There was probably a bunch of things wrong with him. | ||
| I think there was probably drugs, and there was probably something else. | ||
| It was stupid and drugs together, but there was definitely some drugs. | ||
| Because when he was talking to me, it was just like, there was a weird, it was like a fucking scary dog. | ||
| A scary dog. | ||
| Like a dog that just wasn't like, oh, what's this fucking dog? | ||
| Get out of here! | ||
| I have irrational fears of things blowing up, including balloons. | ||
| I left at Perkins once because there was a girl doing balloon animals on a Sunday morning for kids and just stuff popping and blowing up creeps me out. | ||
| You gotta get past that. | ||
| It's just a weird fear. | ||
| You should go to one of those camps. | ||
| They just wake you up to a fucking bunch of balloons. | ||
| Blowing up the fucking gas tank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
BB guns. | |
| E-cigarettes is a fucking sponsor. | ||
| I didn't quite turn down yet, but I told Chaley, do research, because I've read five or six stories about people having e-cigarettes blow up and shatter their entire fucking teeth and jaw out. | ||
| There's one that's, a guy got paralyzed and blew his fucking spine sideways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| You only have to read a couple of those stories where you go, no, no, I'll die of cancer. | ||
| Want to know one of the craziest ones I got for an ad? | ||
| They want to do an Uber for babysitters. | ||
| I'm like, bitch, are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| You think you're going to just have like a... | ||
| You're like, oh, do you... | ||
| Someone watch my loved one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Someone watch my child who can't even tell me what happened to him. | |
| Come on over, strange person. | ||
| Well, I'm sure... | ||
| Oh, the Uber driver actually babysits? | ||
| No, not a real Uber. | ||
| Like an Uber 4. But yeah... | ||
| They babysit. | ||
| Really clearly, this has nothing to do with Uber. | ||
| This is like the concept that Uber uses. | ||
| I need a driver to take me somewhere right now, right? | ||
| Okay, I need a babysitter to watch my kid right now. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I was like, you gotta be out of your mind, man. | ||
| They started describing it to me. | ||
| I go, no! | ||
| No! | ||
| I'm not gonna be a part of your shitty decision-making. | ||
| Like, even if it works out a thousand times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old are your kids now? | |
| The one time where it doesn't. | ||
| Seven and five, the youngest ones. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| I want to ask a question. | ||
| You're driving home from a gig, I'm assuming, at the Comedy Store, and you pull into that gas station. | ||
| I want to hear the doors in the background. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I find it's like the majesty of life. | |
| Until that moment, you did not think your life was going to be in peril that night. | ||
| True. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were just suddenly in that moment. | |
| Just trying to get some gas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the random beat of life, man. | ||
| That's what I do all the time. | ||
| I drive, it's an hour and 45 minutes from Bisbee to the airport, and every car that comes past me the other way, I wait in case they're drunk. | ||
| Are they going to swerve into me? | ||
| Douglas, that's called being intelligent. | ||
| I'm not afraid of death. | ||
| I just want to avoid it. | ||
| Well, you just don't want to die because an asshole is doing fucking trucker meth. | ||
| And he decides to start beating off all over his fucking steering wheel, and he can't hold onto the thing when he hits a possum, and his thing's all slippery like lube, and he fucking goes flying into your lane and hits your 2013 Suburban and turns you into a hamburger. | ||
| But I do that all the time until I'm drinking and then I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Exactly, but that's why drinking's beautiful. | ||
| Because what drinking does is it limits inhibitions. | ||
| It blows them away. | ||
| It takes them away. | ||
| It brings you to a place where you don't care anymore. | ||
| You're like, I can enjoy this moment. | ||
| There's some fucking magic shit in that. | ||
| The whole key to whether it's drinking, or smoking weed, or doing mushrooms, or doing nothing, or exercising, is like this harmonious balance. | ||
| There's a path. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You tweeted this today. | ||
| It's from your book, you fucking cunt. | ||
| Is this the shit that strippers put on their Instagram page? | ||
| Alcohol cannot... | ||
| Hang on, this is from Brian's book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alcohol cannot cure every problem in life, but if we remove the problems that it can't cure, then the path is clear. | |
| That's beautiful! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Pass that Jack Daniels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Patrick Robertson, A Tale of Adventure, my novel. | |
| That's a beautiful one on Amazon now. | ||
| The path is clear. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I have a distrust for people that can't drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Because I'm not saying that drinking is the end-all be-all, but it's also an option. | ||
| And as soon as it's not an option for people, there's two reasons why it's not an option. | ||
| It's either genetic, which I completely understand. | ||
| Because I know people that just fucking have that wacky gene. | ||
| They just have it. | ||
| Yeah, they turn into a Jekyll and Hyde fucking... | ||
| I've seen... | ||
| I dated a girl once. | ||
| At the fucking union, by the way. | ||
| At the union. | ||
| She was so nice. | ||
| I met her. | ||
| She was so sweet. | ||
| She was from out of town. | ||
| She didn't have anything to do with show business. | ||
| She was completely normal. | ||
| We went out one night. | ||
| We had a nice dinner together. | ||
| I'm like, wow, I think this girl's going to be my girlfriend. | ||
| I was convinced. | ||
| I was like, she's really cool. | ||
| She's friendly, and she's nice to waiters. | ||
| She's all the things that I like. | ||
| She's kind. | ||
| The next day, I go, because there's a comedy show. | ||
| I mean, maybe the next day. | ||
| The next day I see her. | ||
| Whenever I see her again. | ||
| And she's fucking hammered before I get there. | ||
| And she's shark-eyed. | ||
| She's gone. | ||
| And she breaks a glass like this. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And she just starts talking shit about something. | ||
| I'm like, oh, oh, oh. | ||
| Well, what a fucking 180. Hey, can we fuck really quick and then I'm gonna drop you off? | ||
| No, there was no fucking going on. | ||
| She might as well have been a small, hairy, sweaty dude with shit smeared over him. | ||
| Like one of those fucking things that those old plaster guys do when they're wallpapering. | ||
| She might have been covered in shit. | ||
| She might as well have been a peccary. | ||
| The whole thing was there's no way I was gone like my my survival instincts were like slamming on the brakes I was like what the fuck dude you came that close this being your girlfriend She's breaking glasses and looking at you like a fucking zombie. | ||
| I'm like Jesus Christ I went from one to the other one to one to like wow what a like a friendly nice person that'll make me Like feel really good when I'm around her we're gonna have some fun together Next time, shatter! | ||
| I'm thinking of her stabbing valets in the neck with a beer bottle and falling face first, chipping her fucking teeth on the curb. | ||
| I spent three years in one of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, I swear to describe that. | |
| I was there. | ||
| I was there for that. | ||
| But at her best, she was good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joel, you used two phrases. | |
| At her best, she was beautiful. | ||
| She was an awesome person at her best. | ||
| That's the most magical thing about people. | ||
| This is why I hate when people start to shame people or attack people on Twitter and go after people. | ||
| Because you cannot be defined by moments. | ||
| You're defined by the culmination of your life's experiences and your interactions. | ||
| And as soon as you find someone who's trying to just label someone or lock someone into one particular moment... | ||
| You're finding someone who's just trying to avoid all the flaws they have in their self. | ||
| No one's perfect. | ||
| None of us are. | ||
| And the idea that you can lock a quote down and put it... | ||
| Doug Stanhope said that he thinks that fucking, you know, whatever, this guy should get AIDS because his jokes suck. | ||
| You know, like, if you... | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I was trying to describe Chad Shank, the friend I'm staying with while I'm in town, and everything about him sounds, Chad Shank, well, he used to do this and that, bad things, and he can't leave the house because he's afraid he might hurt someone really bad or murder them. | ||
| Yeah, you were telling me the other day. | ||
| Yeah, he's the most beautiful human being in the world, but to try to explain him based on his own biography is fucking fantastic. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that, my brother. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that. | ||
| It's always going to be the case. | ||
| But he understands his own insanity and learns how to work around it. | ||
| And there's these flashes of awesomeness that come out of people like that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's flashes of awesomeness that come out of unconventional thinkers. | ||
| Unconventional people, or people that, for whatever reason, you know, the pressure came from a different direction and created some fucking weird kind of, like, personality diamond. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And that's Diaz. | ||
| I mean, Diaz is the epitome of some weird personality diamond. | ||
| And I'm not even just talking Joey. | ||
| Like, Nick Diaz and Nate Diaz, the MMA fighters for the UFC. Every Diaz. | ||
| There's a lot of Diaz's out here. | ||
| The fucking Diaz brothers. | ||
| The fucking Diaz brothers. | ||
| Scarface. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck Frank. | ||
| Fuck the Diaz brothers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Yeah, if you just read Joey Diaz's fucking rap sheet, you go, that's not a good person. | ||
| Well, actually, his rap sheet is not that extensive. | ||
| He got away with a lot more than he got in trouble for. | ||
| The point is, if you explained all the things that Joey Diaz had done wrong, you'd never appreciate Joey Diaz. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Like, if people in my community, okay, I live in a nice community of white people with babies. | ||
| If people in my community, they said, well, who's, what kind of people do you associate with? | ||
| Well, one of my best friends went to jail for armed kidnapping. | ||
| There was a guy that had coke, and he wanted to get the coke from the guy, so he tied him up, and he threatened him with a machine gun. | ||
| But he's pretty awesome. | ||
| That's what it had to do with fucking Krista. | ||
| I won't say her last name, but Krista. | ||
| I'm staying at this guy's house. | ||
| She just got out of prison. | ||
| It's a girl that went to prison for two years because she had fucking a lot of weed in her car and got busted in a weird county in Illinois. | ||
| You know those documentaries where they thrive on busting people? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like, hey, do you mind if I bring my ex-felon friend over? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it okay? | ||
| I know I'm staying at your house. | ||
| Well, people get scared. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Your friend's going to come over. | ||
| They're going to steal my checkbook. | ||
| Douglas. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Can you vouch for this girl or this Joey Diaz character? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| But the thing is, at least Joey Diaz has... | ||
| Well, they both, I'm sure, have talents. | ||
| But Joey Diaz has a very marketable talent. | ||
| He goes on stage and kills, and you forgive him for everything. | ||
| When Joey Diaz goes on stage and crushes, you go, I don't care what he did. | ||
| I don't care what he did. | ||
| Come on over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on over. | |
| Come on, let's party. | ||
| I mean, that is the reason why, like, in the late 90s, I brought an extra opener. | ||
| It was only because of Joey. | ||
| It's because I just realized. | ||
| Oh, that's what started that conversation, was Joey Diaz, one time the Lakeshore Theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I booked him the headline, and he just, at the last minute, hours before, he calls up the booker and says, I can't make it. | ||
| I got some shit going on. | ||
| He's like, but you're going on in a few hours. | ||
| He goes, shit happens. | ||
| I My favorite Joey Diaz story is I'm in Jersey. | ||
| I'm working at Rascals. | ||
| This is before I decided to start bringing the second opening act, and this is the reason why. | ||
| First night, he just doesn't show up. | ||
| He says he didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I didn't know the guy. | ||
| I didn't talk to me. | ||
| I wasn't sure if it was real. | ||
| And then the next night, they said they had to get some local guy. | ||
| The local guy shows up. | ||
| Literally, the show starts 40 minutes late. | ||
| The whole thing's a disaster. | ||
| Local guy does well. | ||
| We salvage the show, right? | ||
| Second night, an hour before the show, I finally get Joe. | ||
| He had a pager back then. | ||
| If he lost that pager, he was a ghost. | ||
| That was two years ago. | ||
| But the second night, I get him on the phone, and he goes, I'm not gonna lie to you, dog. | ||
| I never left Vegas. | ||
| It's a fucking hour before the show, and he wasn't even in New Jersey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's brilliant. | |
| And I had to make a decision. | ||
| I'm like, well, I'm definitely not going to not work with them. | ||
| So I need to get another opening act. | ||
| I need to give up some more money. | ||
| The problem with so many comics, and I'd say 90% of my friends, is they're great comics when they're there and they're on, but they're fuck-ups. | ||
| We tried to do that tour, the Unbookables, like 10 years ago or something. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem. | ||
| But the point is, they're all funny, but they're fuck-ups. | ||
| Oh, I'm 41 years old, and how do you rent a car? | ||
| I can't help you. | ||
| This is so funny. | ||
| You can't completely hold their hand and take them to the dance. | ||
| But once they're at the dance, you can tell them where the good music is. | ||
| Unless, after the dance, they start biting people. | ||
| Yeah, see, there's all sorts of levels of fucked up, and you gotta find out, like, you and I both have a functional level of fucked up. | ||
| Like, one of the things that you and I, I think we, like, very early on, I think we both realized we're fucked up in very different ways, but we're both functional. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Functional. | |
| And we're both nice guys. | ||
| That's one of the things when we worked in the Man Show. | ||
| We're nice guys. | ||
| A lot of people forget that's the most important part. | ||
| It's one of the most important things. | ||
| You see fucking guys that you thought, didn't you retire when I started comedy? | ||
| Well, they're still working there because they're nice guys and they're friends with the owner, even though they suck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice guy actually gets you further than it should get you. | ||
| Well, it's also the... | ||
| There's that. | ||
| But it's also the right thing to do. | ||
| Because I think you and I both remember when we were scared and when we first started. | ||
| And I know that you are really good with young, up-and-coming acts. | ||
| You're the reason I found out about Brendan Walsh, who I think is hilarious, because I saw you with him in LA. And that's how I found out about him. | ||
| And that's like, to me, there's certain people, like if Joey says this guy's funny, he's funny. | ||
| You know, if Ari says someone's funny, they're funny. | ||
| If you say someone's... | ||
| If you're taking Brendan Walsh on the road with you, I'm like, well, Brendan Walsh obviously must be... | ||
| He's in. | ||
| He's in the group. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He's in the network. | ||
| But a lot of guys think because they're funny... | ||
| You taking them under their wing is all they ever have to do. | ||
| And you go, alright, you haven't written a joke in four years. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| I've had a few of those guys. | ||
| I had to cut them loose. | ||
| But then there's guys like Ari. | ||
| Ari is, out of all the guys I ever took on the road with me, he listened more than any of them. | ||
| You would say something to him instead of him getting upset and saying like, yeah, but I could have done this. | ||
| He would go, oh. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's one of the only guys. | ||
| Duncan kind of, too. | ||
| But Joey and I had a very different relationship. | ||
| My relationship with Joey has always been praise and love and friendship in both ways. | ||
| And he's just always been so funny. | ||
| Ever since he figured it out, I can't tell him what to do. | ||
| I just love him and give him hugs. | ||
| And he's kind of the same way with me. | ||
| But Ari, when I met Ari, he was a door guy at the store. | ||
| I started taking him on the road with me and giving him money to do gigs. | ||
| The first time I took him, I think the first gig he ever did with me was the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| And Mike Young used to go on the road with me, and I called Mike Young. | ||
| It's back like the early days. | ||
| I had a flip phone. | ||
| And I called Mike Young. | ||
| I go, because Mike Young had to cancel for a wedding or something, you know? | ||
| And I called him. | ||
| I go, Mike Young, you fucked up. | ||
| I go, listen to Ari Shafir Killing. | ||
| And then I held the phone out to the fucking audience. | ||
| I go, you fucked up, son. | ||
| And I told Ari about it and he was fucking crying. | ||
| But Mike Young was always there. | ||
| The only reason why he was there was because Joey couldn't come to Denver because he had a restraining order. | ||
| Oh yeah, Joey and his fucking Denver days. | ||
| He had a restraining order with the club. | ||
| He literally could not go in the club. | ||
| He wasn't legally allowed to go in the club. | ||
| Oh, I thought he meant the state. | ||
| No! | ||
| That was Seattle. | ||
| I couldn't take him to Seattle. | ||
| I had to bring new guys to Seattle because he had some fucking domestic violence charge. | ||
| Well, the kidnapping happened in... | ||
| Yes, but it wasn't domestic violence in Seattle. | ||
| It was like something happened. | ||
| No, it wasn't domestic violence. | ||
| It was some form of violence in Seattle that was unrelated to his machine gun kidnapping a drug dealer charge. | ||
| So I had a fucking tank. | ||
| Totally different crew. | ||
| I had a Seattle crew, which consisted of Duncan and Ari. | ||
| That's how Duncan got in the mix. | ||
| Seattle and Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love Duncan. | |
| Duncan's the best. | ||
| Yes, he's great. | ||
| He drives a Mercedes now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He's got some crazy AMG dentist mobile. | ||
| I was going to say some shit, but I go, I'll ask you off the air about another thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, have you ever had to read the riot act to any support act? | |
| Have you ever had to discipline someone? | ||
| No. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| Don't fucking do that again in front of me. | ||
| Don't piss at a lady's daiquiri. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've been late three nights in a row. | |
| No. | ||
| Brian likes to find the worst thing when we're in a green room at an improv and a waitress comes back to bring us drinks pre-show. | ||
| Who's the worst comic you've ever had to work with? | ||
| That's the same thing I always ask. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there you go. | |
| I always ask the guy who has to drive you to the radio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The guy who drives you in the morning. | ||
| I always say, who's the biggest dick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Richard Jenny came up a lot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Even though, like I said, I was a huge Richard Jenny fan. | ||
| You want to say at the same time, who comes up the first? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Eddie Griffin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Well, he's crazy. | ||
| But again, Eddie Griffin, you go back to Eddie Griffin on, what was the fucking HBO, Def Comedy Jam. | ||
| Eddie Griffin on Def Comedy Jam, he had shorts on and crushed. | ||
| He crushed to the point where I remember watching him. | ||
| He was on HBO when I was like barely an opening act. | ||
| Maybe like some sort of a half-assed, fugazi middle act, right? | ||
| And I watched him on HBO and he fucking destroyed. | ||
| And I remember being so sad, thinking I will never be as good as this guy. | ||
| I don't have it in me. | ||
| There's nothing... | ||
| He was bouncing around on stage and he had like... | ||
| He had power and expression. | ||
| He was skinny and wirly, like some kind of fucking Jiminy Cricket character hopping on stage. | ||
| He had so much fucking performance, like talent in him. | ||
| I remember thinking, man, I will never be as funny as Eddie Griffin. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| I did ONA when they were ONA and Dice came in. | ||
| We're scheduled at the same time, and Dice came in and immediately lit up a cigarette, and Opie goes, uh, shit, uh, Dice is gonna smoke in the studio. | ||
| Like, I can't tell you no. | ||
| And there's no personalities like that anymore in comedy. | ||
| The Kinnisons, the Dices, there's no, I'm overwhelming, I'm a rock and roll star! | ||
| He was impossible to talk to. | ||
| He was a complete character. | ||
| I love. | ||
| I love. | ||
| But, let me tell you this. | ||
| The reason why you're not like that is because you're better than him. | ||
| Well, I know that. | ||
| But the same sensitivity to the moment that makes you become self-aware. | ||
| I'm not saying I'm good. | ||
| How dare you say you're better than Hicks? | ||
| I said it on Rogan's podcast. | ||
| I'm better than Hicks. | ||
| You motherfucker, you and Ari, I'm going to put you in a spaceship and shoot you right to the fucking sun. | ||
| I need some more hate mail, but the point is, tell me one thing. | ||
| You, guy that hasn't said anything the whole night. | ||
| That's Jamie. | ||
| Tell me one thing you know from Hicks' body of work that tells you anything personal about him. | ||
| He had opinions? | ||
| He didn't have enough time. | ||
| Did he date anyone? | ||
| Where did he live? | ||
| According to his fucking body of work, what was his day like? | ||
| What did he ever fucking do that made him a human being? | ||
| He had opinions, he could read a book and then make a dick joke in the middle of it and then make the point... | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Yeah, I'm fucking better than Hicks. | ||
| I'm not as good as most comics working today, but I'm better than fucking Hicks. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Well, I didn't die at 32. Well, he had a problem with cigarettes. | ||
| You apparently don't have a problem with them. | ||
| I'm way better at cigarettes than Hicks. | ||
| He was at a different age. | ||
| I don't breathe through my pancreas. | ||
| Well, if you go back, you are rude, and you're killing my heroes. | ||
| But if you go back to Lenny Bruce's day, like if you go to my house, I have Lenny Bruce posters. | ||
| I have in my, where I have a pool table in my house, and above my pool table I have Lenny Bruce at the Fillmore. | ||
| And then in my office where I write, I have this Lenny Bruce performance film poster. | ||
| It's a movie poster. | ||
| Bill Hicks fucking... | ||
| But listen, I'm never going to listen. | ||
| Bill Hicks winked at me. | ||
| In a giant poster in your house after I came out of the only time I ever did DMT. I swear to God. | ||
| I came out of this thing going, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness. | ||
| And then I saw there's a Bill Hicks. | ||
| I have a Bill Hicks where he's lighting a cigarette with the American flag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| It's in the pool room. | ||
| That's in the pool room too. | ||
| Whatever room I was in when I went, I gotta go. | ||
| That's the room where we did DMT. I worried about you that night. | ||
| I thought I lost you. | ||
| Because I got him high on DMT. We went fucking... | ||
| I think I gave him a way too big a dose. | ||
| Because he was the first guy I've ever met that foamed at the mouth. | ||
| Like, legitimately. | ||
| He had bubbles. | ||
| That's the poster I have in the pool room. | ||
| That's the one where he winked at you. | ||
| But you had bubbles coming out of the corner of your mouth. | ||
| You were moaning. | ||
| And you were going... | ||
| And I knew. | ||
| My first cognizant thought was, or memory, is saying, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what it'll do to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That wasn't the Bria improv, mate, was it? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| That was smoking his weed. | ||
| That was a mistake. | ||
| This was a smart move. | ||
| That was a mistake. | ||
| The DMT was a smart move. | ||
| We were doing the man show, and we came over to my place to try to write and try to storm ideas and come up with some new sketches and then deal with the hand that we had been dealt. | ||
| Because Stan Hope and I, we had this... | ||
| I don't want to name any names, but there's a bunch of people that sold us an idea that we could go in and do something chaotic. | ||
| Executives. | ||
| You don't have to name names. | ||
| They don't have names. | ||
| All they wanted to do was get us attached. | ||
| If we were attached, they knew they had some names and they could take that and they could resell it. | ||
| So that's what they did. | ||
| But then once we were working, once we were actually on the set, they had very different ideas as to what it would be versus what we had. | ||
| Our ideas were based on the conversations that we had that made us agree to do it in the first place, whereas their ideas are based on the old shows. | ||
| So there was a little manipulation, but that's just part of what the fuck happened. | ||
| So we went back to my place this one night, and I don't remember whether we decided before we got there. | ||
| It was at the end of this show, and we had to write these monologues or whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| And we were already going through such stupid shit. | ||
| We had this game show called... | ||
| It was called Make Me Hard. | ||
| That's what it was supposed to be called. | ||
| That's what Doug's original name for it was. | ||
| Because it was your idea. | ||
| Make Me Laugh was a game show where you get a contestant and there's three comedians. | ||
| If you can not laugh for however many minutes... | ||
| Tell him this. | ||
| I have to piss. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| I was waiting for you to wrap up because I have to piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep going. | |
| Make Me Laugh was a game show where a contestant had to not laugh while three comedians fucked with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So we were doing a spoof called Make Me Hard where someone tried to not get a boner during three acts and then we had a midget fellating a banana and then we had a lap dancer very hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| That pulls her dick out at the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I see. | |
| So, and then the guy's sitting there in what we called a weenie box that measured whether or not he was getting erect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| That was controlled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Boop, boop, boop. | ||
| Sorry, forgive me. | ||
| Is this the concept or what happened? | ||
| The concept happened, but at the last minute, the censor said, you can't say make me hard. | ||
| Go with make me stiff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, it was like, wait. | ||
| You're going to let a transvestite pull her cock out on stage. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But you have to just make sure you're employable enough. | ||
| I've got to make some change. | ||
| Oh, hard, that's too adult-oriented, stiff. | ||
| You can do stiff. | ||
| And at the last minute, all the fucking props people had to go make a new sign. | ||
| It's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| But we're doing a new show. | ||
| They were crying. | ||
| They were crying. | ||
| Like, no names, no names, no genders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crying. | |
| Joey Diaz was gonna introduce us, okay? | ||
| Joey Diaz was gonna come out, he's gonna be naked, he has Timberlands on, and a fucking baseball hat on. | ||
| He's got a New York Mets baseball hat on, and fucking Timberlands. | ||
| He comes out, and he's like, you know, ladies and gentlemen, let's get this party started! | ||
| Welcome to the Man Show, motherfuckers! | ||
| And they're gonna beep this out. | ||
| This is what they tell Doug and I. They say, We're going to let you swear. | ||
| We'll beep it out. | ||
| We'll show nudity. | ||
| We'll blur it out. | ||
| If you guys get sued, it'll be great for the show. | ||
| You know, Doug and I got together. | ||
| We got drunk and go, what do you want? | ||
| Do you want to do this? | ||
| They want to do this. | ||
| You want to do this? | ||
| He goes, let's fucking do this. | ||
| Let's fucking do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do... | |
| We're going to do this. | ||
| We're going to make the crazy show. | ||
| Once we got in, it was a totally different story. | ||
| Once the paperwork had been signed, we were committed to this project. | ||
| Then there was executives. | ||
| The executives sort of had control over the executive producer, who had control over the writer. | ||
| Everybody's keeping their job. | ||
| There's a bunch of things that Doug and I just didn't anticipate. | ||
| So we got to this position where... | ||
| We were doing something that wasn't what we set out to do and we didn't feel good about it. | ||
| And then there was like a bunch of arguments. | ||
| And one of them was how the show would start. | ||
| I wanted every show to start with Joey Diaz naked running out into the audience. | ||
| And this woman was crying. | ||
| Damn, I said a gender. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This executive, they don't- Zoe Friedman! | |
| You son of a bitch! | ||
| Damn you, Stan Hope! | ||
| I love Zoe. | ||
| Oh, she was crying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this really what you think man show crying? | |
| And I said, how about this? | ||
| I go, we'll do it both ways. | ||
| We'll do it the regular way first, and the second take, we'll do it with Joey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which was a fucking setup. | ||
| I can't believe she agreed to that. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| Because the second take is always boring. | ||
| Because everybody's seen the first take. | ||
| Like, it's a setup. | ||
| But she didn't see it coming. | ||
| She was playing checkers. | ||
| The whole fucking thing was a setup. | ||
| We're doing it better. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So, Joey comes out. | ||
| Of course, roars. | ||
| Everyone stands up. | ||
| Let's get this party started! | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Motherfucking Man Show! | ||
| Doug Stanhope and Joe Brogan! | ||
| Everybody standing up like this is the greatest opening for a show ever. | ||
| So I look at them and I go, told you! | ||
| I know it's funny! | ||
| It might not be funny to you, but you don't have a dick, alright? | ||
| You're not a man. | ||
| This whole idea of this is supposed to be a man's show. | ||
| The picture you already showed earlier. | ||
| A big fat fucking guy running through. | ||
| Giant balls like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose. | ||
| They were ridiculous. | ||
| His balls are comical in their own. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He does not look real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't have to sell me on Joey's balls. | |
| There he is. | ||
| That's Joey Diaz. | ||
| He's one of the greatest human beings ever walked the face of the planet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that Ari in the background? | |
| Yes, fuck yes. | ||
| That's Houston, Texas. | ||
| That place doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| That place I had a dude pounded on my door asking me for someone named Ed. | ||
| What's Ed, man? | ||
| He was looking for crack. | ||
| It was like a crack house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is Ed? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I'm going to take that back. | ||
| That's actually Austin, Texas. | ||
| That's not Houston. | ||
| That's Austin, Texas. | ||
| I knew it was Texas. | ||
| Now I'm regrouping. | ||
| That's the place that's down the street from Cap City Comedy Club. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| That's from a blog that I wrote called Happy Pills. | ||
| Do you still write blogs? | ||
| Not much anymore. | ||
| I keep it myself. | ||
| I write them, but they become material. | ||
| What I found was that I was writing blogs, and then I was taking some of the ideas out of those blogs, and I was turning them into bits. | ||
| But the problem was, people would be upset. | ||
| They'd go, Well, then there's this look and I saw that it was in your blog. | ||
| And I'll go, okay. | ||
| Well, I have to make a decision here. | ||
| Either I keep doing the blogs and the bits are in the blogs and people don't mind, or people get annoying and they start complaining that the genesis of the bits occurred in the blogs. | ||
| It's two guys. | ||
| It was two guys that said that and it gets in your fucking head. | ||
| They don't know any better. | ||
| Everyone thinks this. | ||
| But you know better if you think it through. | ||
| But initially, two guys, I won't do two shows in a night because I'm afraid someone will stick around for the second show and go, this is a magic act. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| They will. | ||
| And that's why I don't do two shows a night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know, I mean, you could look at it that way, you know. | |
| I've heard it said... | ||
| Go take a piss. | ||
| No, no, I'm just standing up. | ||
| I've heard it said that maybe it's not bad if someone goes to their first show and their second show. | ||
| A few people in the audience actually makes you think... | ||
| Because those people are there, you're aware of them, you have to do it fresh. | ||
| You have to figure out a way to put a new spin on it. | ||
| You have to figure out a way to present it in a way that maybe will be exciting for you, and that way will be exciting for them as well. | ||
| So in a way where instead of just pressing play, you say, even though this is something that I've said multiple times over the course of the last X amount of months that I've been working on it, I'm going to say it in a new and inspired way because I know these two people from the first show are going to be here at the second show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| He won't tell me if there's people that have stayed over. | ||
| Tell him! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, because he gets all fucking... | |
| We're on the party! | ||
| No, no, I get... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gets all fucked up. | |
| In my head, I'll try to do completely different material that's not even material... | ||
| I gotta care for that shit. | ||
| ...just because of two fucking people. | ||
| I've offered people their money back going, hey, I saw you in Manchester. | ||
| I'm going to come see you in Leeds tomorrow. | ||
| I'll go, I'll give you your money back right now. | ||
| Don't do that to me. | ||
| I told this dude in Manchester, if you're going to come, he said, lad, I'm coming to two shows. | ||
| I go, you got to get really fucked up. | ||
| The first show, the second show is novel. | ||
| The great thing about my audience is most of them are drunks and they don't remember. | ||
| I get emails all the time. | ||
| Hey, I hope that special is coming out because I was there, but I don't remember a thing from it. | ||
| Well, I think that potheads and alcoholics share that, the lack of memory. | ||
| This is what's beautiful about alcohol as well as beautiful about pot. | ||
| It's this desire to somehow or another embrace this moment. | ||
| And with pot, it's always the fear of getting carried away by the newfound ideas of what reality really is. | ||
| Whereas with alcohol, it's the ignorance of those ideas. | ||
| The point like, who fucking cares? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Are we doing shots? | ||
| Who's going to Mexico? | ||
| That's where it comes in with alcohol. | ||
| Whereas with weed, you know, you're like, I know how to get to the roof. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go to the roof. | |
| And you get on the roof, man. | ||
| It's just like, it's so weird to think that there's just a few hundred miles of this, like, fucking gas and, like, what is it, magnets or something? | ||
| Like, what's the magnetosphere? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Let me get my phone. | ||
| And you're fucking trying to figure out why the earth, it doesn't just absorb radiation from the sun. | ||
| Somehow or another it's been designed. | ||
| So there's like this seal, this like circular shit that you don't understand. | ||
| The magnetosphere and the ionosphere. | ||
| It's all fucking filtering gamma radiation. | ||
| That becomes your freakout instead of the alcoholic freakout. | ||
| Which is just a... | ||
| I'm drinking some of your Jack and then I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Where you going? | ||
| I don't know where. | ||
| You're not going anywhere. | ||
| Where the fuck are you going? | ||
| A drunk Uber? | ||
| Yeah, a drunk Uber. | ||
| Do you ever get an Uber and put your fucking headphones on? | ||
| Do you know what an ADR is? | ||
| That's where I'm going. | ||
| I don't know what it means. | ||
| Oh, that means you're going to do some Hollywood type shit with sound. | ||
| Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Yeah, I've been to ADR multiple times. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| During the Fear Factor days, it was one of the worst parts about the job. | ||
| Here's a fucking cold, hard, ugly fact about Fear Factor. | ||
| If you watch it on TV, especially on the Chiller Network, where it still plays like 12 hours a day, it does. | ||
| It's on all day long. | ||
| Not that it's a bad thing. | ||
| It's a good thing. | ||
| But if you watch it, a lot of the times when I'm talking, I'm not really there. | ||
| I'm talking in a sound booth somewhere where I had to watch the replay and maybe some shit didn't come across right because the sound was all fucked up or sound cut out or something like that. | ||
| If you ever watch Bar Rescue or any dumb shit reality show you're into, if they're not showing John Taffer saying, Well, get the hell out of my bar! | ||
| They're showing the back of his head. | ||
| He never said that. | ||
| He said it after the fact. | ||
| Is that what ADR is? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I just want to know what it stands for. | ||
| Especially on a reality show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Additional dialogue recording. | |
| Jamie's actually an audio engineer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Automated dialogue. | |
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| There you go, bitch. | ||
| Brian guessed closed in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was wrong. | |
| Shut up! | ||
| Why is this guy always interrupting? | ||
| Why is he like Red Band always interrupting? | ||
| Where the fuck did this guy get a mellow yellow t-shirt? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bought it online. | |
| I don't even know what it was when I bought it. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just thought it was a nice phrase. | |
| Well, it was a song and it was a drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I remember the Donovan song, but I didn't know it was a drink. | |
| Yeah, it was a drink. | ||
| Like a really shitty Mountain Dew. | ||
| Like a Mountain Dew for people who couldn't find Mountain Dew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like saying a lot of shitty Mountain Dew. | |
| I'm shit-faced. | ||
| Yeah, we're hammered. | ||
| Are you too? | ||
| Yeah, definitely not. | ||
| Is that your ride, I hope? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to get one of those. | ||
| I'm going to call one. | ||
| Call me Mountain Dew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was the song that Bob Dylan beat him down with. | |
| There's a film of him parodying Donovan on stage in London. | ||
| It's inevitable. | ||
| There's continency even amongst amazing musicians. | ||
| That's a good song, that Mellow Yellow song. | ||
| How dare you, Bob Dylan. | ||
| Fuck you, Bob Dylan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going nowhere. | |
| He wrote all along the watchtower. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| Goddamn, that was good. | ||
| That was one of the few songs where I appreciate it equally, whether it's Dylan or Hendrix. | ||
| Either one of them. | ||
| They got their own weird little bend on it. | ||
| You don't even give a fuck about music, do you? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| If you talk about football, that's the same way I feel. | ||
| I don't even give a shit about football. | ||
| Worst Super Bowl fucking ever. | ||
| You have said some outrageous things during this podcast, Doug Stanhoe. | ||
| This is uncharacteristic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, not the Super Bowl. | |
| Fucking Denver against Carolina, it stinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why does it stink? | ||
| No one cares about those teams. | ||
| Everyone cares about Peyton Manning. | ||
| Peyton Manning is a god. | ||
| I like Peyton Manning. | ||
| He does funny commercials. | ||
| Wait a minute, you've got the two most- He's funny! | ||
| Peyton Manning can actually do funny, and that's what I love about him. | ||
| Well, him and Tom Brady seem to be designed to make the perfect person. | ||
| If they could just get together and fuck the same girl- Tom Brady can't do funny? | ||
| And there's two sperm lassoed together, like one of those high school ropes we have to climb in the gym. | ||
| If the two sperm intersect the egg at the exact same time and create a superpower, Any time an athlete can actually pull off even a little bit of funny where you didn't expect it, it's hilarious. | ||
| George Foreman was hilarious when he was making his comeback. | ||
| They say, I won't fight a man unless he's in bed on a respirator. | ||
| I make sure they're off their respirator for at least eight days before I'll fight them. | ||
| That's a quote from George Foreman. | ||
| He was hilarious during his comeback. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was. | |
| So when comedy is unexpected, it's the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, George Foreman... | ||
| You ever been at a bar where you're saying some funny shit and they go, what do you do for a living? | ||
| After everyone at an unknown bar likes you and then you go, I'm a stand-up comedian and they go, oh. | ||
| Now they're judging everything you say. | ||
| You've had that before? | ||
| Yeah, I drink in a lot of unknown bars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you just start like, well, here's one of my favorite Doug stories. | |
| One of my favorite Doug stories is with the fucking boxing match in Vegas, and you were heckling, and HOLD HIM DOWN AND FUCK HIS FACE! IT'LL DESTROY HIS CONFIDENCE! This is the prelims. | ||
| This is the prelims of this boxing match. | ||
| Listening audience, you have to understand when you go to whatever is boxing or UFC, the undercard, no one's there. | ||
| They're all out getting drinks and waiting for the thing that they don't understand to happen that's at the end. | ||
| So it's dead silent bingo hall church silence. | ||
| So you can heckle from the back row, but Joe Rogan got a second row. | ||
| So it's absolutely quiet, and we're in there heckling. | ||
| Let me take it from here. | ||
| Try fucking him in the ass! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Let me take it from here because I wasn't heckling at all. | ||
| Because Douglas doesn't do marijuana. | ||
| Joseph does marijuana. | ||
| Douglas does alcohol. | ||
| Joseph does marijuana. | ||
| And Joseph's freaking out. | ||
| Because Douglas is heckling the boxing matches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm on your ticket. | |
| And I'm fucking laughing! | ||
| You're the one who brought me in, so I'm kind of your responsibility. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Try making him come! | ||
| That always knocks me out like a light. | ||
| Wait till two seconds to go and say, you just got punked! | ||
| I don't remember that one. | ||
| That was what I remember. | ||
| It was like five fights in a row with no one in the arena. | ||
| The boxers could hear you. | ||
| Well, no, no, no. | ||
| He's being too humble here. | ||
| He started getting laughs. | ||
| And that became a problem. | ||
| It became a problem because- It's always a problem. | ||
| There was one of them- I don't know, I think it was hold him down and fuck his face. | ||
| That was the one that broke the waterfall. | ||
| Hold him down and fuck his ass! | ||
| It'll break his confidence! | ||
| Let me tell you something about how Doug Stanhope will heckle a boxing match. | ||
| When he starts the right way, he doesn't just dive right into the hold him down and fuck his face. | ||
| He starts with some light jams, and then he builds up, and then it gets more and more bizarre, and then it got to the hold him down and fuck his face. | ||
| But when he said hold him down and fuck his face, I remember just hearing people go, oh shit. | ||
| Well, Don King showed up at some point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don King showed up. | |
| I don't remember the Don King heckle, but Don King showed up while you can still hear my heckles. | ||
| And what was the name of his movie? | ||
| Only in America. | ||
| Only in America can you... | ||
| I yelled something. | ||
| Only in America can you fuck over someone. | ||
| You had so many other signs. | ||
| But he was there and could hear every word I said. | ||
| Well, you started getting laughs. | ||
| And that's what had happened. | ||
| You started getting big laughs. | ||
| And then it became kind of a weird stand-up show. | ||
| Oh, it was so ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, it was so much fun. | ||
| He's one of the weirdest guys. | ||
| Virgil Hill, he was fighting that night, and Freddy Roach was his trainer. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Virgil Hill? | ||
| Freddy Roach was in the telemarketing business with me before he ever got into Parkinson's. | ||
| Or boxing, whatever. | ||
| It started out with boxing and then showed its true form when it became Parkinson's. | ||
| Him and his brother Pepper, they're both punchy as fuck, but I did telemarketing with him in the 80s in Vegas. | ||
| He's a nice guy, man. | ||
| I did an interview with him a long time ago for the UFC. It was probably like four or five years ago. | ||
| And he's such a nice guy. | ||
| Freddie Roach is so... | ||
| You know, he might be hindered by this Parkinson's disease, which he's pretty honest about, that it's trauma-related. | ||
| But he's pretty sharp underneath there, man. | ||
| He's not stupid. | ||
| Yeah, Parkinson's is one of those things. | ||
| I used to use that as an example of being drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My motor skills are slow and I'm slurring and I'm stuttering. | ||
| My brain's working. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And that's what, you know, CP or fucking whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chris Crazy Legs Fonseca, the Denver comic. | ||
| He's got whatever it is, cerebral palsy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's also a wicked alcoholic. | ||
| That doesn't help. | ||
| And that's what being a drunk is like. | ||
| Yeah, my mind is functioning well, but the more I drink your Jack Daniels, the more my mouth goes like this. | ||
| But you also make bad choices. | ||
| There's bad choices to be made. | ||
| Cerebral palsy doesn't call hookers in the middle of the night going, I won't care in the morning. | ||
| Yeah, but could you be expected to not call hookers in the middle of the night if you have cerebral palsy? | ||
| Like, at that point, all bets are off, right? | ||
| No, I'm just saying cerebral palsy doesn't regret having cerebral palsy in the morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| I was just drunk when I... Paid you $500 to not fuck me. | ||
| There's a long story behind this that I can't tell on the air. | ||
| Please hold. | ||
| Last night was a bad night, but we'll see. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Funny, old Robbie Krieger there. | |
| I don't know who's there. | ||
| You know, one of the things that I enjoy about you, Doug Stanhope, is that you still seem to be, at least to me, when I listen to your podcast especially, you're still trying to have fun. | ||
| You're still, no matter what weirdness comes your way, you try to break up. | ||
| Fucking chaos, road travel. | ||
| You're still trying to have fun. | ||
| Key word, trying. | ||
| You shouldn't have to try to have fun. | ||
| The same as a relationship. | ||
| You shouldn't have to try in a relationship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People say, a relationship is really hard. | |
| You have to really try. | ||
| Well, then no. | ||
| Do we try in our relationship? | ||
| We've been friends for fucking 15, 20 years. | ||
| I try to see you as much as possible. | ||
| That's the try. | ||
| Do you know I'm gonna have to like let's go to counseling to be friends? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you don't know if it's a good relationship You don't have to try when I hear people doing the counseling thing. | |
| I'm like, oh man Fuck awful. | ||
| Well, you know As long as you don't have to keep doing it like one of the problems with counseling Is a lot of people that need counseling... | ||
| You've done it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No. | ||
| But I have on my own. | ||
| You said it like you had. | ||
| Being like going into isolation tanks. | ||
| That's my own form of counseling. | ||
| Pot cookies or any sort of pot edible in an isolation tank is so much more intensely introspective than any other person that you don't really know. | ||
| Like, you know you. | ||
| You know you. | ||
| So if you... | ||
| If you do like some real heavy dose of edible marijuana in an isolation tank, you get to look at yourself in like a really weirdly introspective way, you know? | ||
| You know, I think that's one of the things that's so fun about alcohol, is it frees you from a lot of the nonsense that's involved in introspective thought with a finite lifespan. | ||
| You know? | ||
| How much are you going to figure out, bitch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How much are you going to figure out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to die no matter what. | |
| That's the freedom that alcohol sort of throws your way, is the freedom of realization. | ||
| That sometimes moments are critically important. | ||
| They are sometimes more important in the future. | ||
| The same way you must enjoy the theater of... | ||
| Like, smoking pot. | ||
| The way you chop up lines, you don't do coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The ceremony. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Chopping up lines and then finding a straw and doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that with alcohol. | |
| I carry my own cocktail straws. | ||
| Because I like a short glass with a small cocktail straw. | ||
| I like the ceremony of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something to that. | ||
| And then I get drunk, and you go, fuck it, I'm just gonna drink off a... | ||
| Well, you know what my thoughts are on that? | ||
| Rogan's bottle of beer. | ||
| Drink it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drink it. | |
| Look at the ceremony! | ||
| I have thoughts on that. | ||
| Do you ever go to the place where you grew up, and you visit, and you have this weird feeling? | ||
| I haven't been to the place where I lived when I was in high school until I was like 44, or 45, or something like that. | ||
| I went back. | ||
| And when I went back for the first time in all those years, it was really bizarre. | ||
| I was like, there's like an attachment of ideas that I have to this place. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I think that kind of carries on. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Having to write that book, memories I have... | ||
| Not shut out, I just... | ||
| They don't matter. | ||
| But I had to go back to write that book, and I... Just remembering these things that happened, I'm like, oh, that's that feeling. | ||
| When I was doing that dumb run for president and had to go back to a fucking high school to talk to people about it. | ||
| It was a short-lived, funny idea that wasn't funny at all, but walking into a high school, all that fear was... | ||
| Absolutely relevant in 2007, like I was in 1979. Right. | ||
| I'm terrified of being in a high school. | ||
| Someone's gonna beat me up. | ||
| Someone's gonna pick on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was just right there at the surface. | |
| So, yeah, there's definitely a correlation. | ||
| I remember when you were doing that run for president thing, and you realized, like, early on, there's no way you could do stand-up. | ||
| Because any money I made from stand-up would be donations to... | ||
| And then you have to... | ||
| I can't do taxes! | ||
| When I do my taxes, I just overpay on their behalf because I suck at math so bad that if you ever audited me, you'd owe me money. | ||
| Does that make sense though? | ||
| I stink at it. | ||
| But why would they be so terrified of people speaking publicly? | ||
| Because that's what it is. | ||
| What it is about your shows. | ||
| If you were a dentist and you were running for president, I would assume that you would still be able to work on people's teeth, right? | ||
| But as a public performer, if you are going to be some sort of a political figure, like you're going to have a voice on a soapbox in front of all these people with a microphone, you can't do anything else on a microphone. | ||
| Because it's kind of the same thing. | ||
| In their eyes, there's something that's really similar between someone doing a politician act and someone doing a stand-up act. | ||
| They're almost interchangeable. | ||
| They're essentially admitting that it's show business. | ||
| There's no two drink minimum at a fucking Donald Trump event. | ||
| There should be. | ||
| Should be. | ||
| It'd be fucking awesome. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| I love the Trump thing. | ||
| Just wait. | ||
| It's the countdown until someone screams nigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sitting in the audience, feeding them drinks. | |
| Just waiting. | ||
| Just waiting for someone to fucking pop the N-word fuse. | ||
| Just get them drunk enough. | ||
| Get a fucking giant room full of Trump supporters drunk enough. | ||
| People say that, oh, as a comic, wouldn't it be great if Trump got elected because you'd have so much material? | ||
| No, I'd have so much entertainment. | ||
| You wouldn't need material. | ||
| You know comics who just find a News of the Weird article and just repeat it on stage? | ||
| No, the joke was already written in the News of the Weird article. | ||
| You need punchlines. | ||
| Trump would be hilarious to me. | ||
| I wouldn't use it as material because it's inherently funny like a News of the Weird article. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, it does. | |
| It is kind of, right? | ||
| But how much weirder is he than Mitt Romney? | ||
| Because if I have to choose between a guy who's, you know, just a part of some weird fucking ideology... | ||
| Yeah, weird ideology, or a guy who's just a super ambitious... | ||
| Reality star, who's also a billionaire, real estate developer. | ||
| I'm going with that guy, even if he says he's an entertainer. | ||
| Yeah, he's an entertainer. | ||
| He's doing this for entertainment for himself. | ||
| Yes, he's a meglomania. | ||
| But maybe not just. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck about you or the country, but he's entertaining. | ||
| Maybe a little. | ||
| Maybe a little. | ||
| Remember when Barack first got elected and you thought, oh, maybe things will really change and within minutes you go, nah, nah. | ||
| Yeah, black people and white people are the same. | ||
| It's just the amount of money they have. | ||
| It was a moment where I think I kind of, for the first time in my life, understood that to be someone that gets into a position, like being the president or something like that, the idea that that one person makes all the calls for all the decisions that get made about all the functions of our government and education system and And first responders and cops and firefighters. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| There's no way you can pin it on one guy. | ||
| You just can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's nuts. | ||
| Name one president that has affected your life. | ||
| That your life wouldn't have gone that way regardless. | ||
| Ronald Reagan. | ||
| Him and his wife. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What happened to you that Ronald Reagan fucked up everything for your life specifically? | ||
| Just say no. | ||
| They're people, dude. | ||
| They said just say no. | ||
| Kim Jong-il! | ||
| Listen, I'm a fan of Narcos. | ||
| It's on Netflix. | ||
| I haven't watched it yet. | ||
| Get on it. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spoiler alert. | |
| You know why I haven't watched it yet? | ||
| Because I think that I have things I have to do. | ||
| And I don't. | ||
| So I'm putting off narcos until I have some time off from the life I have that's sedentary anyway, but I have a list. | ||
| What is it, creating a murderer? | ||
| I told you I'm too drunk to be on this podcast. | ||
| Making a murderer. | ||
| Have you gone there yet? | ||
| If you have not watched The Staircase... | ||
| Watch that, and then watch Making a Murderer, because Making a Murderer will make you very upset for about 24 hours, and then you, in hindsight, go, yeah, he probably did it. | ||
| Watch The Staircase, which is like 15 years old. | ||
| Where they give full access to the prosecution as well. | ||
| Making a murderer is completely biased. | ||
| They're trying to make you think that guy's innocent. | ||
| Then you find out behind the scenes, oh, that girl from the auto trader, he had called several times, answered the door in a bathrobe once. | ||
| She asked to not have to go there, the guy he murdered. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Actually, he did murder. | ||
| Sue me. | ||
| You think so? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The staircase, by the way, is available on Netflix, but only on disc. | |
| You have to order it. | ||
| This is a big, giant spoiler alert. | ||
| Didn't Whitney Cummings say to watch that? | ||
| Was her recommend? | ||
| Staircase? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I would fuck Whitney Cummings if I could just change her act. | ||
| You heard it here first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Her sister is my yoga teacher. | |
| She's very nice. | ||
| Let's not get fucking five degrees of Kevin Bacon up in this bitch. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Whitney, that was just a callback to an earlier joke and it's not at your expense. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Get me out of here! | ||
| I'm fucking drunk. | ||
| I gotta go home. | ||
| I booked a ticket. | ||
| I gotta leave tomorrow. | ||
| What's happening? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nine. | |
| Are you okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A.M.? No, I fucking left. | |
| I came here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A.M.? I didn't say which 9, but I have to leave at 9. Well, it can't be PM. That's a long time from now. | |
| I have no sympathy if it's PM. I'm drunk as shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're still okay. | |
| We're good. | ||
| We're all right. | ||
| Hannigan, you're in charge of this fucking ship, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a question for you, Joe. | |
| He has a question for you, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You used two phrases. | |
| Are they your phrases, or do they come from somewhere? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Obsessive struggle and mental mortgage. | ||
| I don't think I can claim either one of them, but obsessive struggle, I think, the first time I said it, I think, was just then. | ||
| I don't believe I've said that before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But the idea is... | ||
| Amy Shimmer said it. | ||
| Someone had a swing at a tee ball. | ||
| We should be careful about how we express our opinion about this Amy Schumer thing without being completely serious. | ||
| Yeah, it's another podcast. | ||
| I'm too drunk to defend my... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to jeopardize Doug's career. | |
| You live here. | ||
| I don't live around comedy. | ||
| You have more knowledge. | ||
| I would defend Amy Schumer, but with blanks, because I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know either. | ||
| I think what's been proven is that the real egregious ones that people believe are an issue were written by other people. | ||
| Written by writers. | ||
| That's why I was gonna use Amy Schumer, who I know nothing about other than I laughed at her special. | ||
| But there were times where Bill Maher did shit where you go, that's fucking mine. | ||
| Because I'm a... | ||
| I don't think it's his fault, though. | ||
| I'm not a pedestrian fucking comic, and I would blame the writers. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But I don't care, because I can write other shit. | ||
| Well, there was a time where they kicked writers out of the back of the comedy store, because they were writing for a sketch show. | ||
| And they were going on stage, these comics were going on stage, and coming up with these funny premises that would wind up on these television sketch shows. | ||
| It would wind up being acted out in a sketch. | ||
| And the people that were the writers of this sketch show would go to the comedy store and sit in the back room. | ||
| And they got kicked out. | ||
| Yeah, and they got kicked out because they were, you know, this was like in the 90s-ish. | ||
| You could get away with doing that kind of shit, you know? | ||
| Well, it's not, it's like, to put it all on her shoulders is where it gets weird. | ||
| It's like, who the fuck knows who's writing those sketches, you know? | ||
| Who knows who's writing those things? | ||
| The point is, if she's already said it, then it should be done. | ||
| If she said it publicly, if you're in the back of the comedy store when someone's working out some shit, I've had several people do shit that I already put out on DVD. One of them became famous because of one of Kevin Booth's word of mouth bit. | ||
| He's admitted to me that he stole that bit. | ||
| But I stopped doing that because I put it on a DVD. And he's a nice guy. | ||
| He's got some problems. | ||
| But I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I've got real problems in life. | ||
| It's just become... | ||
| It's not like saying that someone comes up with somebody else's idea they can never come up with their own. | ||
| Because you still can. | ||
| But... | ||
| You're way better off just trying to come up with all your own ideas. | ||
| If you came out with a story about euthanizing your own mother or attending that euthanization... | ||
| Like your bit. | ||
| I already put it out. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, the only way someone would ever be able to get away with it is if it was their experience... | ||
| And they acknowledged that they had heard of your experience as well. | ||
| If someone became famous because of that... | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| And you're going... | ||
| But if some open-miker tried to do it, you're going to be fucking called out eventually. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| My life moves on. | ||
| I have real problems in my life. | ||
| But let me ask you this, because that's an intensely personal thing. | ||
| If an open-miker, say, really did have an experience where his mother wanted him to help her commit suicide, and he went through with it, and she died, and he decided to... | ||
| Do a bit about it, but acknowledging that he had seen your bit as well. | ||
| Like, not going down the same... | ||
| If he went through with it, he would not have to acknowledge me at all. | ||
| Well, I think he should. | ||
| If someone stole that blatantly from me, that's a different story. | ||
| But... | ||
| And I still wouldn't give a fuck, because I have real problems. | ||
| But to eliminate doubt. | ||
| Like, if a guy only has on stage an hour, right? | ||
| You don't want anybody in a state of confusion going... | ||
| Doug Stanhope does a joke about putting his mother to death. | ||
| You have to address that, because it's a big joke that you have. | ||
| It's a really well-respected and enjoyed joke. | ||
| So if someone was a Doug Stanhope fan, and they came to see this new dude, and this new dude really did have to help his mom kill herself, right? | ||
| And he said, well, I just have to say, before I talk about this, One of my favorite comedians, Doug Stanhope, or a guy I think is fairly mediocre, but extremely exciting. | ||
| Like, whatever description he has for you. | ||
| He should have to admit, I'm a Doug Stanhope fan, I've listened to his comedy, I think he's great, and I couldn't believe this was happening to me as well. | ||
| Like, then he's talking about his own life experience. | ||
| Like, you can't eliminate a person's life experience from their repertoire, right? | ||
| But I think, like, to make it easier for everybody listening, they should probably acknowledge. | ||
| Like, if someone did have to help their mom commit suicide, they should have to say, in some sort of a way... | ||
| They shouldn't have to, but it would be smart to say... | ||
| I've done that, where I go... | ||
| Like so-and-so said, but this happened to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A question would be, going back to something Joe said earlier, which was, what if that person is Chris Rock, who's so much bigger, and nobody knows who the fuck you are? | |
| Well, then you ask Joe Rogan to step in and go, I'm sorry, Carlos, but Ari already did that. | ||
| And then you crush... | ||
| There's not a whole lot of guys that get to that spot. | ||
| His career, and I don't know if it's because you deflated his ego so much, or his confidence, or the people spoke out, but after that incident, he disappeared. | ||
| He went down to my level, where if we're doing a Wednesday... | ||
| At the Cleveland Improv, one show only, he's doing a Thursday, or vice versa. | ||
| But honestly, that is not a bad thing. | ||
| What his life is, is really good. | ||
| If he's headlining in these really nice clubs all over the country, he's not in a bad place. | ||
| What happened there was... | ||
| All judgment aside, there was like a blip in the matrix. | ||
| There was a problem with the operating system. | ||
| There was a real issue with how things were going. | ||
| And guys like all of us, anybody that was watching it was going, well, people are being... | ||
| They're being fucking victimized here. | ||
| We've got a real problem here. | ||
| It wasn't even taken from me. | ||
| He wasn't taken from you. | ||
| But it was some weird parasitic situation that had been accepted into the community because of sort of... | ||
| I don't like the term reverse racism, but there's some weird thing about choosing to like... | ||
| Pretend that some guy's Mexican just because you think there's a market for Mexicans. | ||
| And this guy goes in there and starts stealing people's bits and everybody accepts everything. | ||
| And then the artists are sitting back going, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You guys have found some weird vein, some weird river of revenue and attention. | ||
| And in this river of revenue and attention, you have to have a specific sort of stereotypical ethnicity. | ||
| So let's change your name. | ||
| But that's exactly where you should not give a fuck because those are not the people you want to talk to. | ||
| The whole idea that, well, oh, he only likes them. | ||
| That's why I always hate the audience instead of the artist. | ||
| If you can be a televangelist and make a lot of people clap, yeah, I'm going to hate you, but I can't hate you too much because you've got... | ||
| Just like we have. | ||
| We have a cult. | ||
| You have a cult. | ||
| I have a cult. | ||
| Our cults co-mingle. | ||
| But we're fucking leaders of a cult. | ||
| How dare you, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Reveal the game. | ||
| You have fucking t-shirts for your cult. | ||
| Well, they're just cool t-shirts. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| This is K-Man Coffee. | ||
| This is Tate Fletcher's shirt. | ||
| Point is, people want to be led. | ||
| And you get upset when they're led poorly by some... | ||
| He's not even Mexican! | ||
| Well, they don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, that's not the issue. | ||
| It's the audience who is always the problem. | ||
| No, people didn't feel like they could go on stage in front of him if they weren't famous, because he would do their stuff on Comedy Central. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And their stuff would no longer be their stuff. | ||
| Because if a guy's, you know, Lupe Fiasco, and he's going up fucking Thursday night at the Comedy Store... | ||
| I've been out of the loop for a while, but there's a million channels between the internet and TV and everything, so I could actually steal people's material and they would never know because... | ||
| It's such a broad spectrum. | ||
| There's not four channels like when we were kids. | ||
| And, oh, he said that on Johnny Carson last night. | ||
| You could steal material. | ||
| Fucking Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Fitzsimmons had a bit on one of his CDs that was one of my bits. | ||
| I know he didn't steal it. | ||
| And then I had one a bit. | ||
| And I called him up. | ||
| And I go, you know what, you hit one of my bits, and I'm doing more of your bits. | ||
| And he's like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, Fitzsimmons, he's a guy, if somehow or another you guys tread on the same territory, it's not by accident. | ||
| I mean, it's not on purpose. | ||
| It's definitely by accident. | ||
| It's definitely a case of parallel thinking. | ||
| But you would always know that if you know Fitzsimmons. | ||
| But I felt very comfortable in doing that bit even after I heard Fitzsimmons do it on a CD. Because I know he knows I didn't steal it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Yeah, I thought of this. | ||
| I know you... | ||
| Comedy used to be a very small community. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe it's bigger when you live in LA. Well, it is with a guy like Fitzsimmons. | |
| With Fitzsimmons, it's a real small community because he'll be 100% real with you. | ||
| If you've talked to him about... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No fucking Fitzsimmons. | |
| Yeah, he's not... | ||
| It's not possible for him to be a thief. | ||
| It'd be like breathing underwater. | ||
| He's never going to be a thief. | ||
| Bill Burr, I was... | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| One of the things we filmed for the BBC, I'm like, I have this, it's just a riffing, topical thing, and I called him up, I go, did you do that? | ||
| I swear I heard this on your podcast. | ||
| And he goes, I don't remember saying that. | ||
| I go, are you sure? | ||
| Because I'm about to do this thing for the BBC, riffing on concussions or something. | ||
| And I still swear he did it, but he doesn't know. | ||
| He goes, no, I don't remember saying that. | ||
| Go ahead, do it. | ||
| But thanks. | ||
| Good heads up. | ||
| So do you think you heard it from him, or do you think you also thought of it? | ||
| No, I think I heard it from him, and I checked with him, and he swears he never said it. | ||
| How can you remember? | ||
| No one talks more than him, if you think about it, because he's the only one talking on most of his podcasts. | ||
| I know, I don't remember my podcasts after I... Either he brings his wife in, and they have a little chit-chat, or it's him by himself. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| Did I ruin it with my Bill Burr impression? | ||
| I thought I did a great Bill Burr and somebody goes, stop doing that. | ||
| One person tweeted, stop thinking you sound like Bill Burr. | ||
| One person. | ||
| And it got my head. | ||
| Ruins the whole party. | ||
| You fucking cocksuckers. | ||
| You fucking cocksuckers. | ||
| Burr is the most amazing podcast to me because it's just Burr. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just him. | ||
| Have you done a podcast with him before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One time, and it was a terrible morning. | ||
| We just gotta wind him up. | ||
| Burr is like one of those guys, he'll like change subjects, like in the middle of talking, he'll turn another corner and take you down a road, another rant, and turn another corner, take you down another rant. | ||
| You just gotta like enjoy the ride. | ||
| He treated me like with such kit gloves, I was so fucked up wearing a leisure suit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You insisted on me driving with the top down? | |
| I'd just done four hours of blow with a fucking musical artist named Marilyn. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you kiss and tell? | ||
| Sweating fucking just olive oil and... | ||
| It was a good Hollywood moment. | ||
| Burr's one of the guys that I most look forward to watching right now. | ||
| Like, if I was a stand-up comedy fan, if I'd never done stand-up before and I was like, what do I like? | ||
| I would go see Burr every chance I could. | ||
| Burr and Joey Diaz. | ||
| If you could just give me Burr and Joey Diaz at the same comedy club every weekend... | ||
| You could live in Bisbee, Arizona. | ||
| Just have Burr and Joey Diaz every weekend. | ||
| I would take Joey over Burr only because I like to see the chance of a flame-out. | ||
| It's the difference between IndyCar driving and going to Tonopah Speedway where everyone has a fucking Vega with a Cessna engine jacked up into it and they hope it'll work. | ||
| Did you ever see that video of that guy? | ||
| Is this Tony Stewart, the guy that killed that guy on the racetrack? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some guy got out of his car. | ||
| Tony Stewart hit him with his car. | ||
| It's so crazy to watch. | ||
| But I remember thinking, like, that guy in NASCAR, like, that's NASCAR, that Tony Stewart guy, that guy drives on the dirt, too? | ||
| Like, he drives on the dirt in, like, a dune buggy. | ||
| And the people he drives with, they get mad, they get out of their fucking car, and you run them over? | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| They get out of their fucking car. | ||
| Could you imagine if someone in NASCAR got out of their fucking car? | ||
| How fast are those guys going? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
200? | |
| 200 miles an hour? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something like that, yeah. | |
| But that's kind of the same thing, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Kind of the same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's the idea that you'd get out and stand in the way of a car. | |
| That was bizarre. | ||
| The guy got out and stood there. | ||
| I think because the Tony Stewart guy's car hid his car, and so he got out. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, Jamie, why'd you make us watch that? | ||
| Dude got tumbled under that car. | ||
| God, that's so awful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A downer for the end. | |
| Dead? | ||
| That's so awful. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he's dead. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's dead. | ||
| His whole family was upset, and they blamed it on the driver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| His family was upset because he was killed? | ||
| They blamed it on the driver. | ||
| I don't know enough about driving. | ||
| I don't know enough about driving to determine whether or not he did something wrong. | ||
| I know enough tonight. | ||
| I can drive. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yee-haw! | |
| Ah! | ||
| I know enough about lawyers. | ||
| Right, but how does one make the distinction whether or not he's at fault? | ||
| That's a tricky distinction, right? | ||
| I mean, that guy just standing out there in the middle of the track, that's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was watching football yesterday. | |
| Where we're watching fucking helmet-to-helmet contact. | ||
| That's assault and battery, like, intent to fuck. | ||
| That's attempted murder, basically. | ||
| You're maiming people in a way. | ||
| I mean, you're smashing people. | ||
| If I head-butted some dude at a bar, could I get a 15-yard penalty and that's it? | ||
| But, here's the question. | ||
| Can you totally 100% be responsible for head-on-head collisions if you didn't intend them to be a head-on-head collision and you're running full clip towards some guy who's trying to not have you tackle him? | ||
| Like some crazy shit happens, right? | ||
| Like you have to take that into consideration. | ||
| But if it is intentional, would it not completely go to the criminal element where you go... | ||
| Yes, if it was against the law, if it was against the rules... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That happened once in hockey. | |
| Brashear, I think, where he got fucking whacked with a stick and the guy did time. | ||
| Horrific. | ||
| That was horrific. | ||
| See, hockey's a problem. | ||
| Here's one of the problems with hockey. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| That's one problem. | ||
| And one of the reasons why it's awesome is they let them fight. | ||
| Oh no, it's awesome because of HD. Now when you have 60 inches of high definition, now you can watch this fucking sport and you can love it. | ||
| Well, I love hockey too for the same reason I love music. | ||
| Because I have zero fucking talent. | ||
| I can't even skate. | ||
| If I got on skates, I'll fall flat on my ass. | ||
| I'm just retarded. | ||
| We did play basketball at a whorehouse... | ||
| Once. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| My basketball's not good. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| Ice skating's worse. | ||
| Joe Rogan is as talented as me at shooting horse. | ||
| I know a few things. | ||
| Hey, can I drop Dennis Hoff's name? | ||
| Because he doesn't get enough publicity on his own. | ||
| Before we get out of here, Doug Stanhope, I want to just tell you... | ||
| I'm leaving now. | ||
| You finish up. | ||
| I'm going. | ||
| I just want to tell you. | ||
| I love what you're doing. | ||
| And I love listening to your podcast. | ||
| And I love hearing about your antics down there in Bisbee. | ||
| And I wish you would just run for mayor of Bisbee. | ||
| And take over, and then we buy a comedy club, and we just fucking, you know, we get the bar, and free, because those people, they can't pay any money. | ||
| They get angry. | ||
| I have a comedy club in my house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's what I hear. | ||
| It's gonna work. | ||
| It's gonna work? | ||
| It's already working, correct? | ||
| No, just for comics. | ||
| You found a special in your house, right? | ||
| Yes, and except for the lighting. | ||
| Oh, shut up. | ||
| Was it too bright? | ||
| Yeah, slightly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can never guess it when the walls are pitchy. | |
| Did you guys plan this in advance? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I had an hour's worth of shit that either I hadn't done on tape or got cut out of other specials to make it an hour. | ||
| And I go, well, we're filming here anyway. | ||
| We have a crew. | ||
| Let's film one right in the house, at the funhouse. | ||
| And we put 35 people tightly packed... | ||
| And it fucking killed, except when you see the footage, it was too brightly lit. | ||
| Yeah, but you could do the reverse of what hot chicks on the internet do. | ||
| You could use a negative filter. | ||
| So a filter that makes it look like more gloomy, like maybe like a Batman movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He told me he can fix it. | |
| You should try to make it gloomy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't worry, I'll be fixed. | |
| You can do it. | ||
| The point is, the audience was great, and the audience are my friends, and they will laugh all the time, and I can film comics I like, rather than say, hey, go bananas, will you book my friend? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Hey, let's film it right here. | ||
| And my friends, I can pack my own house every fucking weekend and film DVDs. | ||
| I think you should do a show with all candlelight. | ||
| Just a small theater. | ||
| I had candlelight. | ||
| I had those fake little candles. | ||
| But someone overlit the motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, your house was badly wired. | |
| Your house was badly wired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I wasn't engaged in that job. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Listen, I can understand dealing with the unexpected... | ||
| I'm hard to work with. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| Electricity and weird, badly wired houses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've got a great partnership, though. | |
| No, you guys are an interesting group. | ||
| You really are. | ||
| The two of you together seem to work well. | ||
| Throw me out. | ||
| Why is that not a fucking thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's two things that bother me. | |
| Three things. | ||
| One, I can't find a pack of cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gave you fucking 400 cigarettes. | |
| Jesus Christ, he's got a carton in there. | ||
| He's been fucking someone in Mexico he won't talk about, so he keeps talking. | ||
| He keeps coming back from Mexico every two weeks with duty-free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this a family-friendly podcast or something? | |
| Not anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Fuck, now I can't remember the goddamn things I wanted to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swapcast. | |
| Swapcast. | ||
| I can't do it here because you do this live. | ||
| When we do podcasts... | ||
| A lot of people are drinking and they say shit. | ||
| They go, oh fuck, did I mention his name? | ||
| So we edit everything. | ||
| But if there's two comedians that both have podcasts... | ||
| Doing a podcast together. | ||
| It should be a swap cast where you both put it out. | ||
| Two birds, one stone. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've been pitching this since I've been doing it. | ||
| Well, you could take this one if you want. | ||
| Well, there's probably some cunt out going there. | ||
| Oh, Stan Hope already did it. | ||
| No, I'm saying you should steal that idea. | ||
| Well, I think that... | ||
| Can't do it with you. | ||
| Well, you definitely could do it with me. | ||
| You could definitely take... | ||
| We'll give you a copy of it. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| I think regardless of how many people are listening, whether it's 10 or a million, or 10 million, who gives a shit? | ||
| Everybody should just sort of like distribute it, you know? | ||
| The beautiful thing about podcasts is that everybody can get them for free. | ||
| And it doesn't hurt me to give you the copy of our show. | ||
| It shouldn't hurt you. | ||
| I want people to listen to your show because I listen to it. | ||
| There's plenty of fucking podcasts that I listened. | ||
| That you had the time to listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You do eight podcasts a day. | ||
| I figure shit out, man. | ||
| I got time. | ||
| I just don't waste it. | ||
| I get shit done. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I realized if I didn't drink, I'd have eight more hours in every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have sat in the funhouse in Bisbee and looked at Joe Rogan's activity on a spreadsheet and tried to work out when it is you're sleeping. | |
| You know, we're like, hi on a minute. | ||
| He's doing this, this, and this. | ||
| This never really happened, but it's fun. | ||
| Well, even if you did, I'm telling you, it just seems way more impressive than it is. | ||
| It's not that impressive. | ||
| Because like most days, like if Jamie and I do a podcast, we work for three hours maximum. | ||
| He works more than me. | ||
| He might work four and a half. | ||
| And we're done. | ||
| And we do that like three days a week. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| So there's a podcast, right? | ||
| And then there's the... | ||
| The fake research that goes into finding podcast guests, which is just really just shit I'm interested in. | ||
| I never think, like, wow, I've got a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's good. | |
| No. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| He's, uh... | ||
| Is this a character? | ||
| Are you going to come in in a wig? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| In a fucking... | ||
| You're right, he's cool. | ||
| Have you had Radley Balco on yet? | ||
| He used to work for a reason, now he's Huffington Post. | ||
| He's the guy that gets, he's an investigative journalist that does all the cops that stop people and bust them and steal their shit. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wrote a book last year, The Rise of the Warrior Cop. | |
| Oh, yeah, okay. | ||
| Yeah, no, I have that book, man. | ||
| Right, he's fucking brilliant. | ||
| Yeah, I have that book. | ||
| That's one of those books that I started, and then I just got distracted. | ||
| I never finished it. | ||
| Fucking unbelievable. | ||
| It's not even their fault, man. | ||
| That'll get your dander up. | ||
| That's the same thing we were talking about earlier, and I really believe it. | ||
| Book in my office. | ||
| Now I'm motivated. | ||
| ...about how technology progresses. | ||
| And as long as people stay alive and you can feed them and there's no famine, there's no diseases, technology is going to continue to progress. | ||
| I think that, like, the same thing happens with, like... | ||
| Enforcing the law, or trying to make money, or whatever it is that people pursue. | ||
| They try to improve upon whatever results they've had the previous trimester, semester, year, quarter, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| It's just an inherent part of being a person. | ||
| So if it's about busting people, you want to bust more fucking people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| It's a game. | ||
| And busting you becomes a game. | ||
| And as soon as there's a win-loss, then you're getting people that are addicted to winning in football or baseball or fucking whatever else it is. | ||
| Or dancing with the stars. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When is dancing... | ||
| That's a competition now? | ||
| Thank God, it's finally a competition. | ||
| For years people have not been judged for their expression of movement. | ||
| And no one would watch it. | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| No one would watch it until it became a competition. | ||
| It should be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right, it was one of your pits. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Everything's one of our bits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, the opera singing. | |
| It all becomes a bit. | ||
| When we've been doing it this long, you realize you're just doing an old bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a way. | ||
| It's always something you thought of before and now you're saying it different on a podcast in a conversational way and then you go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eh. | |
| And even in the most original thought, there's still a rhythm to it, right? | ||
| There's still that rhythm of three that we all follow, that for some reason works, and nobody knows. | ||
| Trained into us. | ||
| Well, trained into us a little. | ||
| You'd say genetic, because you're... | ||
| There's definitely... | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I don't know if genetics are real. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| I mean, of course, I know genetics are real. | ||
| But I don't know if, like, expressing ideas through jokes from one parent to child, I don't know if that's possible. | ||
| But people believe it is. | ||
| They believe that it's possible that memes and even racism might be passed from, and I don't mean memes like internet memes, but like ideas. | ||
| Like ideas might be able to be passed, like the reaction and contemplation and solution of an idea might be passed from parent to child, where the child almost immediately goes to the same resolution or solution that the parent did. | ||
| Almost instinctively, like they have it programmed to their genome. | ||
| But it's really controversial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've seen the footage of the monkeys with the salt, and yeah, that's exactly what that is. | |
| It is, yeah, in a lot of ways. | ||
| They've done it with mice, where they've figured out a way to, they have a citrus smell, and they would spray the citrus smell, they would smell it, and they would shock their feet. | ||
| And the mice offspring, who did not experience the same experiment, still, when they would blast the citrus smell, they would have some sort of a reaction, like a stress reaction, to like something coming at them. | ||
| I jerked off to the same video last night. | ||
| But I was coked up. | ||
| Who is the original How Dare You? | ||
| It's not me. | ||
| It's definitely not me. | ||
| I don't know who I got it from. | ||
| It's been around. | ||
| It probably was, like, serious originally. | ||
| I was gonna say Stern, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| How dare you? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Well, Stern originated everything. | ||
| Hey, now. | ||
| Was that the guy from Larry Sanders? | ||
| That was Larry Sanders. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That guy was crazy. | ||
| He is awesome. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I'm drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over, Doug Stanhoe. | |
| I have to drive really fast on the 405. Our podcast is done. | ||
| Brian Hennigan, tell the people how to follow you on the Twitter and all the Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I'm Brian Hennigan. | |
| We are not done, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| You relax. | ||
| We're not out of time. | ||
| There is no network here. | ||
| There's no one to yell at you about stiff versus hard. | ||
| I can't hear you. | ||
| What was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am Brian Hennigan. | |
| I'm Mr. Hennigan on Twitter and Instagram. | ||
| And you have a book coming out, I understand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a novel that's out just now. | |
| It's a republication of my first novel that was published in the UK a while ago, and it got great reviews, and it was never published in the US. Beautiful. | ||
| It's fiction. | ||
| I never read fiction. | ||
| And I try to read his book, but I know him, so I'm listening to the first 30, 40 pages in his voice. | ||
| And then I got past that and it was funny as shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I went to his apartment. | |
| I was staying there when he was away. | ||
| And I just left it with the last three pages unread. | ||
| Like I read the whole book and became so disinterested. | ||
| I didn't care about the last three pages. | ||
| I left it open like that. | ||
| He didn't notice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| That's probably a good sign. | ||
| My book, Digging Up Mother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Pre-order. | ||
| Joe Rogan is name-checked in on Amazon. | ||
| You can pre-order that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they'll be available in the UK. Douglas, my boy, will there be more visits to Los Angeles? | |
| Unfortunately, yes. | ||
| Why don't you just try to be one of those intercontinental motherfuckers and get yourself a fat spread out here and use some of that stand-up comedy loot to make your life look more ludicrous? | ||
| Well, we're waiting for someone to move out of our fucking rent-control apartment building. | ||
| Oh, that's all well and good. | ||
| But I think in the interest of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, if I could have stood this whole time. | |
| Um, uh, altruism, you know, help for, like, the young comics. | ||
| Maybe perhaps that rent-controlled apartment could be some sort of a, like, local dive, like, shack place where people can go and stay for the night. | ||
| Young comics to us are guys who've only been doing it for 15 years. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| And you can get, like, a nice place, like, where Sarah Silverman lives, where you get a view. | ||
| Got a dude who parks your car for you. | ||
| Come on, Doug Stanhope! | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Wrap it up! | ||
| We're going to wrap this up, Jamie. | ||
| Thank you, America. | ||
| We appreciate everything about you. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| Kettlebells. |
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